317. Common Cavity

We wish you a Merry Cockmet, we wish you a Merry Cockmet, we wish you a Merry Cockmeth at the home screen left. Good icons we bring to you and your app Good icons for Copsmas at the home screen was bad We wish you a merry Copsmas We wish you're a man You a merry happy man, we wish you a merry happiness and your homescreen like that. Now give us your fucking money, now give us your fucking money, now give us your fucking money, Have to hit up Hello? Hello! Welcome to Do By Friday. Which is recording on a Friday. I don't think we've ever done this before. Good reason. Oh. Why do you say that? Oh, I know that your uh Fridays are usually your Saturdays. Yeah. And uh This Friday for me is like my Monday because of getting covet the day after Christmas.

You got coveted. I did, I did. I don't know if I told you about it. I don't know if I tweeted about it. I don't know that either. Oh my god. Your worldview. Um do should we make a remark or uh you know what I could do? I could have Santa Claus do a remark. We could run that at the top. Oh, oh, thank you. Take it away, Santa. Well We would need to run it before this part, wouldn't we? I don't know. Oh. Okay, let me okay, so now God, art is imitating life is imitating art. Um okay, let's cut to Santa Claus. Hello children, because now I'm impersonating a D script overdub. voice. Hello, hello, hello children. I am in QAnon and have a lot of issues with opioids. Ho ho ho. Um we recorded what we thought was gonna be the mm main episode.

And uh I don't know what happened. I got feisty. I uh in my uh brain fog just just got feisty. I don't know about that. Well, I don't know what's gonna end up happening, but chances are if you're listening to this, and I hope you are, hmm, that you you should have Oh sh was there some doubt? Was there some Well, I don't know. I don't know how to address people anymore. Everybody's vulnerable. You you uh you could if you're if you're a a member of of uh if you're one of our supporters, uh you can listen to the thing we recorded first. And this is so that's gonna be the before show probably. We don't know yet. I don't know why I'm even bothering trying to explain this. I it's just it's this icon continuity matters.

You know what I mean? Oh, absolutely. Much like representation. Listen, if Vince Gilligan could do it, I call him Vince. I call him Vince. I I call him um yeah, Vin Vincent Vin Vincent Gilligan. I I won't um Step on your back to dick, but the back to work episode, the part where you talk about Breaking Bad and Better Call Saul made me very happy that your family is You just have a passion for this show that I don't see a lot of people I don't know, having anymore, I I guess. Yeah, it's it's such a filmmaker show, as pretentious as that sounds. But the Ryan Johnson episodes, oof So good. Oh yes. He directed some very good episodes of that show. And um and I I like it a lot. And now we're right back to um Right back to Better Call Saul.

Jumping in in season two. Chicago Sunroof. Um Yeah. And I gotta find this somewhere. There's this interview with him that's so good. You know what? Never mind, I'm not gonna talk about it. I don't wanna spoil it. Don't don't. I have not seen the end of Better Call Saul. Just like I haven't seen the end of Fleischman is in trouble. Because I also identify primarily as a fan, as I I believe you do, but my spouse is also a fan. I gotta watch her with the phone. Somebody did I love a a Trump impression, um even or especially if it's a written impression. And somebody did one this morning. Can I find oh this is by Ben Rosen, who's at Ben underscore Rosen. And there's a picture of Donald Trump. And and I can't do the voice, but I'll try.

Um, Flashman is in trouble. Wow, I didn't know that. You're telling me now for the first time. Does he deserve it. I don't know. He's done a lot of very not nice things to Claire Danes. And we love to see Seth. Don't we love to see Seth again, don't we? Seth Cohen. But yes, yes, we're we're very closely watching the tri Oh gosh. I know that um continuity matters and that we said we were going to go uh right into the challenge. I'll do whatever you want. I no, I just have not been feel very bullied by you. Fi I am oh God, I uh I have been I You're always trying to contact me on Signal or Telegram or something. com and don't hear about um my unhinged activities. Uh the the I think it was. Um that's why I said it.

I agree. It's very wholesome. Uh you have been following the madness going on in the United States Congress right now. Yes? And Uh-huh. Yeah, yeah. I think I have. This is a leading question, as I genuinely haven't It it is oh it is the anniversary. Apparently you're now a gig economy worker from what I can glean. Um another another really excellent choice Oh my god. Okay. I'm not running for city council and but it hey, happy January sixth. Okay. The greatest the greatest uh injustice to our democracy, Merlin. Do you not r remember the uh Jan January sixth? We we were together on Oh, I remember that. Yeah, that'll teach me not to look at Twitter. Or mastodon. Um I uh yeah, see, so I don't know.

This is really confusing to me. I'm pretty convinced that I don't know how to do podcasts anymore. Not that I necessarily ever particularly did But um but yeah um but we yeah we talked about stuff and um I don't know um here we are now it's uh that holiest time of the year Uh it's Coxmas. And so in a little bit, Alex is going to drag your screen. Well, I mean not in a way to move the windows, really, until we have a true what's what what does a circusa want? A conceptual finder? Is that the thing that he wants? He was a physical finder? I don't know. He's I respect the windows in your house stay where you put 'em. Yeah, yeah. And so you have to get on the roof and Get all the rod out. Did you watch White Noise?

Tell me have you seen White Noise? No. No, should I? I can't recommend this because it was obviously made solely for me. Uh a weird movie for weirdos. Yeah. Yeah kind of, kind of, kind of. But there is a scene where he's kind of on the roof and it reminded me of our friend John. Um what do you want to talk about? Maybe not live well, I no you can't live that's a contradiction. Do you think he visits liminal spaces a lot? I know. I don't believe me. I think he exists in a liminal space. Yeah. Hmm. And I give that space two and a half stars. Oh, think they bought it. It came up again this week and I I I find yes, I did I did link to John's two and a half star reviews page just because I think it's something that people need to be Oh well I put that in the show notes quite a bit and uh it makes me yeah that that's me being a bully.

Sure makes you think. Really makes you think. You know, so Nation gets two and a half. Another listen, another time and plays I could give Forrest Gump four and a half stars. Well it depends on what the other violin case. You would need that to go to a different different time. Spoilers. I love it so much. Um what else is happening? I'll talk about whatever you want to talk about. I'm a little discombobulated. Just a little I'm just D do we have a s weep Uh is there a speaker of the house in uh yet? I'm I am going on Twitter right now. Oh fine. Don't do that. Don't go on Mastinon. It's way better. Oh my God. Oh my Tech Yeah. Yeah, it's where we all it's where we all get together and go like get get our Kluekas.

Talking about batteries you're gonna strap on to your face for that. Yes, I love it. I love it. It's so good. It's so good. Remember when I made you I I don't think you actually did it, but I wanted everyone to wear an otter box. clip uh uh for their phone, you know, so you can be like a construction worker and have one of those hardcore. Remember those tough yeah, I have a tough box. But I want a tough battery because I've always Like I I always have a backup battery, both magnified. You want like a ruggedized, a ruggedized battery. Yeah. Well, mostly I want a c clip on uh on it and I have tried to like you you can't drill a clip into a battery or rather you can But then it falls apart and it sparks happen.

So it's not meant the battery's guts come out? Yeah, yeah. It was a dumb idea. So all the battery part is it was that's that that that uh uh it turns out there is a battery in the battery pack. Whoa. Oh I know. Well you learn something new every day. Mastodon. Mastodon. It's the one with the not an elephant. Don't think of an elephant. Don't think of a mastodon. Do I what? God, this sounds like every podcast. But um but yeah that's that's one thing is like it's just it's it's finally gotten to where like there's just not as much stuff at all there anymore. But uh you know you'll see sometimes the refugees from Mastodon showing up when they want somebody actually see what they're saying. I'm so sorry, outside the Federation.

It's me. I still don't know what it means. But I mean it's like it's like trying to replace airport terminals with AA meetings or something. something. It's it's it's you're like, wait, are you sure you sure this is doing what you think it's gonna do? Like many folks have said, I am not looking for a Twitter replacement. I am it would have definitely come there anyway. I Yeah. I like being horny for computers around a bunch of uh people and there's another place to do that and it's it's I'm reliving my youth. I feel 80%. That's really interesting. That must be nice to have that privilege. Yeah. I only go I only go places where underrepresented people get I make them feel heard and seen. Yeah.

Okay. And I call people out there about, you know, how they're how they're managing things and who they have And shamed properly today. I like to do that. And then I strap batteries to my face. Strap, strap, strap. Uh you don't strap it. Magnus. Your problem is, go on. What are you talking about? You y you uh you uh you just m magnet it. There's no straps. Oh. And then then Chu Chuck has to call Ernie in to to put the put the batteries uh into into the tape recorder. He's trying to do it with his tongs and it's not working. I don't know this bit. Uh oh sorry, it's better better call saw. What's your um I'm he has a sensitivity to electricity. The uh Oh no, that's right. Oh no. He knew he oh he knew how to use the lantern.

Oh he knew how to use the lantern I like things. Um, but you were what were you asking? I yeah, I had something to say, but I forget what. You were saying what your problem was. Yeah, my problem. But also, uh yeah, I I I'm just uh you know, I'm thinking about this. It's too bad this isn't the after show 'cause I have a lot of good after show topics. I thought we were gonna have a regular appetite But um I guess we still could. There's no reason. You know, we had we haven't had like a a four hour content week. That's that's hyphenated. um in a while. So we we could do that. But But yeah, I got a lot of thoughts. You were you were you were um asking questions in the um before show about, you know, haha resolutions and doing anything different, state of mind.

And I I do have some things like I'd like to talk uh let's talk about that at some point. Really? I would like I would like okay okay let's get let's get my dumb uh not dumb as the a thing the Merlin, would you permit me to I think I make that face a lot of it? Nineteen takes. Nineteen takes. And then okay, so here's the thing. Here's the thing. They had to Walt we know that Walt has acquired. I forget how this exactly happened because it's kind of confusing in the way it comes. back up but they figured out walt was so in like whatever blah blah blah s5e one walt now has an m6 m60 i think like a machine gun And they're like, hmm, wonder if that'll ever have to come back. And Vince's like, oh come on, let's get going.

We gotta finish. And they're like, hey, look, Vince, I hate to keep bringing this up. But you know, you did make it clear that Walt has a machine gun. And that's gonna have to come up at some point. We gotta resolve that. He's like, you know, manana manana. We'll get to it. And then finally there was basically like an intervention where they're like, Vince, so have you s you haven't so have you seen the end of breaking Yes. And I agree with you that it should have ended a lot earlier, but that's my right thing. Oh there's gonna be a machine gun. in the last episode. Don't worry about that. Oh, you know what? I hmm, I like that ending a lot more now. Now that you know why why he had to get a garage door opener.

Yes. And do you do the most improbable? Oh shit. Like I'm bought into this show, but really? Mm-hmm. It just shoots in a circle and Okay. Anyways. Uh that's a very good show. Yeah, but like uh yeah, the new the New Year's ponis and it's it's most mostly I think somewhat coincidental. Just continuing to think a lot more about that pump anticipation theory. But also, what was it? It was something was it related, something weird? Pump anticipation? Pump anticipation. Oh, yeah. No, no, no, no. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. I had that breakthrough when I was filling our dishwasher. I I uh I had a breakthrough about pentas Participation. We can talk about it more another week, but I I think it is it's something I'm interested in talking about.

Uh but I want it now. I'll talk about it now. But don't you have to go drag people's screens I I do, I do, but uh uh we could have uh after show of the after show. We could do that. Let's do that. You know what? Let's well, see, I don't know anymore. Voice is terrible. This whole week is terrible and it's all because of me. I'm sorry, Al No, it's all because of me. It's all because I'm I'm the one who uh wanted to talk about fascism and uh uh hotel bar. I think what you specifically wanted to talk about was contacting people via uh Chinese social media apps So that you could then get on other social media apps to talk to them about litter boxes. Oh yeah. Mm. We might have to get another uh litter box.

It's very exciting for for me. Because they stopped making the litter box. the you know, the shit sphere that I like, the poop. Yes, the litter robot. And they uh I guess they made another one that's supposed to be quieter, but it I I don't care about how quiet it is. I'm no John Syracuse. As long as it gets the poop into the basket and I do not need to touch it. Yeah. Oh really? See I think you know the hot lady the hot lady, I think she was in like a like a hot waitress outfit in the old commercials She's back and now she's in more more foncy ensemble. And it looks and it does look because you know I had two little robots. Long story. Um but uh I think this one does look kind of upgraded. I think they're still iterating it.

There's a lot to improve about. You might get a second sphere. Do you have the do you have the full no space for that? No, I still have the original sphere and its motor has been replaced. I I gotta say. Um a nice thing about uh having a spouse who's a boy now, he is b he does the handy stuff and he fixed the motor and the belt, I think, is what the little strappy is. I've said this for so long. One reason a lot of Well, I want to be sensitive about this, people who, or side fine, sign female at birth. One reason they're terrible at things is those those boobs. And so they're that's why I need to get rid of mine. They're increasingly. Huh? Mustars and gardons. This is all so confusing. I mean there uh there is something to be said about power tools and like leaning over a workbench.

This isn't even a bit. Talk about a drill. Um I find it interesting that you get litter box ads and I don't but I am on all of the spyware apps. Oh never mind. I f no, never mind. Okay. There we go. Never mind. Wh wherever the tiny room is w where where you go to get all of your information, I wish there would you crack the door and get a little more air in there. what other people see. I well you see stuff that a lot of other people don't see. I uh Well well that's why I have multiple TikTok accounts. This is no, this is in the before show. Continuity. We've we've already done this. This Did you trick that lady at first? No, that's why no one would that that's why no one wanted to talk to me because they thought I I was gonna be like gotcha and secretly recorded and like that's Yeah, no, it wasn't that it no one would uh that people were like you would change the change the address on the forms.

The m what? What uh there okay Are we going to I will not do another uh uh Uh d do we need to do an after before show because I'm I don't wanna do a like We'll drop we'll drop we'll do a pod drop on our own podcast. Oh fe exc excuse me, the term is feed drop in the I had this feeling when I went to urinate on the break that I was wondering if I suddenly had this U feeling my blood ran cold for a second when I realized I I wonder if I was using the wrong word, but I think Kalowaka is the word for what I mean. I mean in theory it is. I don't know if it's the genus, the species, the phylum, the whatever, but I always liked it um um platypuses, the the whatever order, whatever they're in, uh monotremes.

Monocreams. Is it really pronounced cloaka? Is this Oh let's look up cloaka together. It's not clear. Maybe this will be the before show. It's it's Clawaka, right? No, there's no way it's Clawaka. Why is there no way? What would you say? Okay, it's fine. There there is a cloaca? Yeah. Clo Kloeka. Huh. It wouldn't occur to me to pronounce it like that, but you might be right. I don't know. Now I'm now I'm scared to go to Wiktionary because they got typos. Cloaca. uh it's pronounced cloaca. And it's common cavity. Really? Really? It's common cavity at the end of the digestive tract for the release of both excretory and genital prop I love this. I'm gonna read this. It's pronounced cloaca. A common cavity.

At the end, a common. Um Common. So you gotta be careful with the word like common, 'cause the implication of common is not what you think it is. If you mean widespread com Or frequently seen. Common, it's one of those things like poor that has a valence to it. Anyway, a common cavity, or one that's shared, I guess, amongst many of these. This could be written better. A common cavity at the end of the digest. Why'd you say common? A common cavity is the end of the digestive tract for the release of both excretory and genital products in vertebrates and certain invertebrates. Ooh, archaic meaning a sewer. I did not know that. I learned something too. Oh, that makes so much sense. Sewer, I barely even know her.

Better call Saul. Get somebody who can really stand up for you. Just look at this veteran. Just look at Fudge. I helped Fudge. Alright, so Claika. Well we can't release it now. You know what I'll have to do? I gotta I'm happy for you. I'm happy for you. We can release the Wonder Woman episode. That was problematic just because We didn't like Wonder Woman. Oh, I'm sorry. You did like Wonder Woman. I I was not saying Wonder Woman. Yeah, and then you but then you got Zach Zack Snyder and the Justice and the Slide. Lomo with the bullets and the dust. Boy, that guy loves dust. His budget for CGI dust must be very high. Hmm. Need to get I still don't know if that shot in uh um Triangle of Sadness is real.

Never never asked Dodge with the puke Oh, I I bet it's I bet I I bet it's yeah. I bet it's been jazzed a little bit. Ooh, that's Ooh, I like the sound of that like a jazz vomit. Ooh. Well and like and the scene that the the thing that God, I'm so sorry. This is inscrutable. I'm so sorry to inspect. This is absolutely, this is oh man. I'm gonna just become a writer. This is ridiculous. I can't I can't talk anymore. Well as as we've uh determined, all writing is bad. So give us your fucking money dot com. Um but wait what was it talking about? Better call saw? What was I saying? Cloica? Cloica, Better Call Saul writing. Um uh Oh, you're gonna be a writer. Oh, um uh-uh, coloika. No, coloaka guy I listened on our break.

I listened uh to get down with the sickness because I couldn't stop going cloak. Wait, I I should know that. Is it nine-inch nails? I believe so. Yes. Okay. Yeah. Yeah. All right. Uh Kalaka. I think Kowaka sounds nicer. I think Kloaka sounds coarse It I mean, I still can't believe it's codify and not codify. It feels like a prank. It feels like a prank. It uh what? What? Well, I mean do you remember the whole reason I brought up the uh I pronounce it kawaka? The whole reason I was bringing that up is the is that W on we have many holes. Yes, yes. I feel like I'm really overselling this before show. It was not good. But but was that was that there's a reason that we get confused about our whole feelings.

One reason we get confused about our whole feelings is because our holes and our body do do all sorts of different things, especially the ones that are usually not visible when we're clothed. Right? Yes. So that was my point. Was like no wonder people c confused about uh cat boxes and and uh my childhood friend Billy who thought that women got pregnant by UPing in their mouth. And my w what I was stipulating was I believe or what I was uh proposing was that I think we get confused when we're young because we don't know how all that works. Let alone the innumerable. I just don't know if I still know. I like I still I'm still I mean I could act real smart about it, but you know. Yeah, no. I um and I think and no wait, what did that have to do with Better Call Saul?

Why'd you bring that up? Uh I know. I I God. I need a nap. Well uh I think, you know it i i I'm I'm the host now. I'm the host now. Let's just get into Coxmas And then I want to hear about your productivity because I uh Oh, really? When have I ever been uh sarcastic about wanting to hear you talk about productivity. Because it's not you actually talking about productivity. In that case I want to hear about your sex vulnerability. In that case I want to hear about your sexual preference. I Isn't that the word for it? Or did I just deliberately misunderstand something instrumental about your existence? No, I don't dive me. Productivity? Words don't mean anything. Do I want to talk about my efficiency or my effectiveness?

Merlin, I want to talk about your priorities. I want to talk to your priorities. Pirate is nuts. slash last slash the the time of the year's challenge is Cocksmas which is a fake holiday I made up probably like 10 years ago when I was bored at a family party and tweeted a screenshot of my phone. Because I thought that the icons were arranged in a pleasant w way. Wait, wait, you probably were a teen, almost. Yeah, I think I think I was like odds. I'm like odd. No, no, it was no I was it's that's how you talked back then. No, I was sad and lonely. You're 31 right now? Now I'm 32. I'm thirty. Okay. Um it's not that I don't like being 32. I just don't like the mouthfeel. Like 34 feels a lot better than that.

Alex, I have such strong feelings about the aesthetic. of things like that and nobody understands me. Nobody understands me. Wow, the Google images stuff for Cloaca is really bad. Oh, you don't think I was looking at that? Half of the birdass? Yes. Birdass bird? But is it a but is it an ass? That's Oh my god, I'm not on TikTok that often. I mmm I'm not I am thirty-two. But I wish I was thirty four. Alex How many uh accounts on TikTok are you willing to admit you have? Willing to admit three. You're not on there much. Um That doesn't mean I'm mmm There was a thing that came up and it was probably somebody linking to something, but it's a a dog who gets his little pug who gets excited when he go gets to go to Pet Smart.

Oh I think I've seen that one. Oh my god. Oh my god. And so but I think uh in a way it was I felt like it was sort of like with the Kenji Lopez L Lopez alt videos where I'm like I watched to the end because He's amazing. And also because I want to see if the dogs get a sample. Like feed the dog. Feed the dog. I can't finish until the dog gets a bite. God damn it, Kenji. Um but in this case I was kind of like, oh just let the dog go into pets more. It's so cute. And the guy turns to the dog and he goes, uh Madeline showed it to me. I'll see if I can find. I think Madeline showed it. Oh, I'll find it. But the guy, if you see this as a dog, a dog is sitting in the passenger seat because it's the path passenger.

And and the and it's is the guy goes, Captain, do you wanna do you wanna go to Petsmart? And the dog's like, and because it's a pug It always looks like its eyes are rolling back in its head and it's just losing its shit. And then they arrive at Pet Smart and of course he's really milking it. This poor captain really wants to go into Pet Smart and see his friends in the in the little doggy area. Yes. But then you get to see the dog. And you see the dog's butthole like as it's walking? Tip tip. It's just walking along and not alone. I'm just like, look at that dog's butthole. It has a really cute butthole. It's just out there. It's got that little curly tail. God, it's like Maybe we should just look at videos I've seen that people have shown me recently.

This is this is you watch everyone else's videos that are sent to you, but you don't have to be a little bit more. Have you seen a little girl who's an explorer? Have you seen that yet? Um is her name Dora? Because we've seen the one. I think her name is. I don't know the name. It's on it's an Instagram account. I'm not gonna acknowledge that. No. Um that wasn't even a joke. No, I know. Um oh boy, I'm gonna make this even harder. I'm gonna gonna make work for you. Uh this is a video that was uh sent to me. I think my this is an Instagram video that my wife showed me. I think this was uh boosted by I wanna say Viola Davis Um would you please watch this video and then will you please drop in the audio?

Alrighty. Oh, this is in Intriguing. Alright, three, two, one, go. Explorers don't care about how messy their hair is. They care about they they care about How they they're in de how they're in danger, how their friends are in danger, they care about love, and they care about lots of other stuff. Okay? Important stuff. So you're telling me Fuck yeah. It doesn't matter what your hair looks like. Because you're an explorer. Yeah. Okay. I'm sorry. I need to take Oh she goes. She goes yes. Yeah. Yeah. She puts a hat on. And I think that was mom mom says you gotta run a brush through your hair before you leave. And she's like, I'm an explorer. I do not need to brush my hair. That's what the fucking hat's for.

Kid! Oh my god! Oh Dora's got a lot of video. Uh oh. Oh I love Dora. Oh, she's the best. Where also along came Abby, um, is her handle, I suppose. Oh, this Dora. I thought you meant the one with the uh with the with the Die ego. Bik pak. Oh no. Um did you on did you have any luck? Uh I know things were a little difficult. Did you have any luck over the weekend? Uh working uh working on that song uh uh yeah yeah i gotta hear it because of this um a map um a map I'm a map. Okay. That's what you came up with for the map song? Yeah. How about the backpack song? How's that coming along? Backpack. Backpack. Wait. So the one song goes I'm a map, I'm a map, I'm a map, and and then the backpack song goes backpack, backpack?

Backpack. Normally uh I can you say easy jok easy joke? Talk about negative comedy points. You are usually great at uh qu quoting impersonating, just doing uh bits But I am going to make it even harder for myself and just put in a little bit of Brian Regan actually doing it right here because holy shit. Alright, here we go. I'm the map, I'm the map, I'm the map, I'm the map, I'm the map, I'm the map, I'm the map, I'm the map, I'm the map That's it. Oh fuck, cut that out. Cut that out. No. I we've quoted it so many times we've put it in. In fairness to me though, yes, okay, but the omnibus joke is a huge running joke in our family. And I now I feel the need to prove it to you. The omnibus Well, like there's one that comes up a lot in our house.

Every time you hear the word, whether it's on a Survivor Challenge or just someone talking about Australia. Every time somebody uses the two-syllable word outback, Mattel and I at exactly the same time both start singing, Outback Steakhouse. Stake from the Outback. I'm I'm obsessed. I'm obsessed with all of this. Uh-huh. K KQED KQEDERY ONET YOUS PEOS KQE D for a long time. They their streaming sponsor, which is what you have to listen through before you can stream KQED, understandable, but like um is uh something called Comcast Business. And uh the the the motto or the whatever it's called for for that is uh Comcast Business, built for business. Well that seems reasonable. Is that is that your fun is that your final?

Is that really? Is that the one marked final final? No, I love Final Final V two. Final Final V two final. Shit. Oh that's the one. What about one where I'm in a spelling bee? Have I ever told you about that one? No. No. Boxing? No, I'm just stealing Ryan Ring of Bitz. The one place where you should have valet parking. Is that an emergency room? No, you go ahead. Say hey. Say hey. Take luck. You too. Case you're ever in a situation to fly on a plane, you too. Oh boy. Oh challenge. Uh this fuck, I feel really bad about that. Um about stealing Brigan Brian Reganfeller? You should about you guys thinking like that that's not part of uh actually a like a larger exploration of my own. I did forget about no no no.

I forgot about the app backs You're co uh you're you're right. It was just you just used the two Brian Regan uh examples. It's just that when you're exposed to it over and over. There's other ones like you know the but the thing is those those songs so songs like that are so catchy. There's one that I get in my head, I think I've told you this, but one that I get in my head probably a couple times a month month at least, which is Bill Cosby used to do a thing on Captain Kangaroo called picture pages, which is where you would like draw or you know, there'd be some kind of like a drawing project and look what it turns into and that kind of stuff. And uh the song goes like this, picture pages, picture pages, time to get your picture pages, time to get your crayons or your pencils, picture pages, and it goes on like and it's very catchy.

Sometimes I'll just start singing that to myself. And uh and and now that is clever. That's that that I think that's a good song. Yeah, I never thought it was What about Abkhavki Jekyllmanaka Stuwitzis? Do you think that's good song. What? That's Big Bird's song about the letters of the alphabet. Really? Mm-hmm. Are you oh you're not fucking with the Wait, is the uh the whole thing? No, that's from the old that's from the back to the old school. I had that on my Sesame Street cassette. So you're You know it must be old. Uh this is alright. Uh something else. So I'm going to start you wanna start over? Let's start over. Uh three two one it's due by Friday We should actually start over. Oh we actually start over No What about um I don't want to live on the moon?

Do you like that song? Uh yes. Oh You wanna hear me sing it like Ernie? Yes, please. I would like to visit the moon, but I don't think I'd want to live there. You know, Taco Also near Aaron Neville sings it and his is more like this. I would like to visit the Because you know he's the touch, the feel of cotton guy. The fabric of house See that help? Aaron Neville from the Neville Brothers. He's the guy with the thing on his face that sings like that. Ha ha ha ha. Yeah, it's just a song that makes me cry, so I'm just not commenting. But I don't know. Want to live on the moon. And they they each have their little beds. Yeah. You know, as long as I'm stealing jokes. Why why why did old timey people wear those wear those long hats with the ball on the end?

Like Evan Easier Scrooge. Why would you wear that to bed? Why is that? I know there's a certain kind of like Victorian look of like a, oh, I'm in my smoking jacket and my fez with a little ball on the end. Why would you wear an oversized long hat with a ball on the end? To bed. I don't think that actually happened. Is there interesting. I no, I think eh Uh I don't know. I bet ye you know, Syracusa is a big hat boy these days. I feel like he would know the history of bedtime wear. I bet he's more aware with what he's mad about in English bedtime wear. That's true. That's true. Oh, you're not gonna believe the the episode that just came out today. Shit dog, things are going really pear-shaped. Wesley St.

England. With with the whole with the whole fucking frown thing, it's getting weirder. I am like five episodes behind. Oh, okay, never mind. Yeah, no, no, I'm uh so behind on all of the episodes because I can't. I know I don't need to d I I know I don't need to listen to the show, but it's my cat's favorite uh I um it's the dumb one? Yes, the dumb one's favorite podcast for some reason is Reconciles. Does it shit differently listening to it? No. It's just like a regular schoolgirl. It's claw waka goes. Um This week's challenge was to celebrate To celebrate Coxmith Coxmith. No, what's the one you like? Losing my mind with this song Merry Cocksmas. I could do that all day long. You don't need oh, the way you do guided by voices, I could just Carol of the Bells all de Oh deck those halls.

Alright, Cocksmith is a fake holiday that I made up if you somehow have only listened to this episode of the show when I Oh god I'm so sorry. This is my home screen. I know, I so do I. So do I, which is what makes it. Oh god. I I've talked about this before, but what I found so funny about like the um early days of the iPhone home screen i Since they were all so similar, there wasn't as much fighting about how it should look uh rather than i like the uh this was the height of the Mac versus PC uh like PC master wa race weirdness and the but also the d early debates of where does your doc go and and all of that. And I found out a max Yes. And I found it really amusing that people had very, very strong opinions about it in a way where it wasn't like a joke.

Now it's like all in good fun. But do do you already know that's a good idea? were like you could watch Silicon Valley with having no knowledge of the actual internicene wars um about space And they even so they they they cover they get you up to speed on that pretty quickly and even do an as you know Bob of like well wait once you pass it through the whatever the formatter or whatever or the compiler, it doesn't matter, right? And Richard continues to believe yes, yes, it does matter. You've got to do it this way. It's one of those things where like, right, where like it but like you could underst it's it's fun when you can understand one of those fights even if you don't really understand that fight.

Wait a minute. Why would you care where that thing is? Like Like, you know, you get in your car and you're drive. Why would you care what the knobs are like? And like, oh god, don't say that to the ATP guys. Like there's a lot of knob talk on that show, obviously. It's like when trans people are yelling at each other, the like, oh your dock is on the le well the dock should obviously be on the left and it should be a little bit more. Your doc should be wherever it was assigned at first. Respect science. Um a signed assigned bottom at burning. That's you. That's you. Your bottom at bird. It's me. I I do that. I used to be Arab but universal uh control screwed that up for me. It did, no. Oh boy.

You see you adopted the bottom. I was born into it. Oh boy. Um so so jokingly I will let you move the shock. Max, I hope you hear this someday, boy. I'm doing Max. I'm doing Max doing Bane and I hope everybody knows that. Oh, I mean stealing Max. Jokes, uh Brian. We're getting jokes here, accused of jokes. We're just taking all that valor in. And a whole bit I do called Dumb at School. Oh sticking it up the Cluica. And so what happens is it's that holiest time of year when um Alex encourages people to send uh to send Alex uh screenshots and you've Uh clarify with people what you'd like them to do, what you'd not like them to do. But at the end of the day, as we say, um in offices all over America, um, at the end of the day, it's really about Alex making completely arbitrarily making fun.

Am I wait, am I killing the bit? Alright, I'm well no, I mean because no no no. Cut it all out. Cut this show out. Oh this This whole show is a trauma. It's a fucking trauma hole. It's a place where trauma collects. Oh, and then we trauma pulls dog paddle in it. Trauma puddle's really good. Trauma puddles. Did you do Trauma that's not in uh the body keeps the score, is it? I think you the trauma puddle. Oh. I don't think so. I know that's a that's good. You did see it. I'm gonna start writing all this down. Oh welcome, welcome. Day one has come a long way. It is the closest thing I had to do. Like like where ever note people were like, oh yeah, like eventually like you could use your I don't know what the fuck, you could use your phone as a diving board or a McDonald's.

And you're like, why would I want to do that? Okay, those are terrible examples because No, they're great examples because there's all kinds of shit never know nobody fucking needs and they blew resources on to build their platform. Whereas if you're listening, Alex, what I'm trying to say is day one, every dollar's on the screen. Like everything they're doing in there is so fucking cool and like carrot, I finally popped for the full carrot. Oh my god, thank you. See oh no no I've been at I've been a I guess a tier one or a tier two, but I finally popped because I saw Dan. Well and that way my family gets it. Exactly. Exactly. And the kid, uh the little lord, is getting into carrot now. So that's really.

And and not because of the snark, but because of the customization. Holy fucking shit, those cards. are wild. See, which is why Coxmas is important and naked. But can I just literally beg you to not act like you're the first person to use carrot? No, I'm acting like you're the last person to use characters. I knew Jason Snell when you were still texting people about your home screen. That's all I'm gonna say about that. But I can use my I can use my Natatmo. I can use that as my personal weather. I don't even need to like it's so cool. So my Natatmo, is that what it's called? Neatmo? What's it called? I I like to call it neat mo just because replaced my old school one. Um but why was I saying that to you?

Because day one I feel like I say this a lot, which means I probably say it a lot, but like you remember in the early days when you start using an iPhone and you get into an app and like there's just I I I do still think of Twitter clients, maybe Tweety in particular. um but those apps were invented. Oh no shit. What was the Nevin one? Was the Nevin no one Nevin worked on? Was that Tweety? But like there was so much But we're not sure. But if you were curious and you started, you know, reading, or if you started like swiping just to see what happened, you'd be like, holy shit, there's so much stuff in here. That I, you know, so like for example, hidden, and this is sort of like the triple dot, the hamburger menu in Reader, where like if you go to that triple dot on iOS, for an entry, you've done this, right?

So you create a new entry in day one. Yeah. And then you get that that innocuous little triple dot. You click on it and it's like, holy shit. Like your phone was here. This device was here. This is if you click here and you're listening to Apple Music, I will grab that a la like a live journal or a scrabbler. I'll what music was playing. the temperature like all that stuff it's all in there you don't need to get if all you want to do is type you don't even need to learn markdown it's so intuitive you just start typing but anyway I just want to give a thumbs up to day one Because uh I've started using that and I'm and uh I I'm trying to use it more and I'm trying to write things down. Uh huh. Oh, that makes me so happy.

Yeah. I don't really it hasn't really exactly found a place yet, but I can feel that it probably will. I don't like the prompts. I did a couple of the prompts. I like that you can make your own templates. I like to make fun of the prompts in my own interest in I They're so writing things and who made this distinction recently? Uh somebody somewhere, I read too much. Somebody made the distinction between a diary and a journal and like what you who the intended audience, maybe that was on ATP, but I I don't write this with the intention of anybody ever seeing it. So like when I do the prompts, I'm usually a real asshole about it. Yeah. Just like really snarky about it. It's like, what's your favorite movie?

Here we go. Uh where I've been, The Office. My mood is a little deranged. People I saw. Yikes. Accomplishments. I stayed alive. I didn't freak all the way out. Probably some other things I'm not thinking of. I realized uh uh s I realized that some of the way I feel is about love and then I said yikes again. Food I ate left it blank. None of your goddamn business. You know, keep your eyes out of my cloaca. Or as Alex says cloaca. Do you have any uh zaps? con connected to it like um because no because that's part of the omnibus effort you don't get to hear today because this is about Cocsmas which is trying to minimize the amount Yes, this is part of the continuum. Try to minimize the amount of unnecessary over-engineering and catching myself earlier in the bump or the derail.

And uh what what do I say? What is in my uh after show stuff? Alex likes the web. It's very i I think. What does that have to do with what I just said? I Well, you won't get to find out because it's Coxmas. Um, uh it's it's Zapier. Uh my my door is ringing. I'll be right back. I'm sorry. No, your doorbell is ringing. Doors can't ring unless they're made out of bell. Yikes. This is unusable. Cloaka. Oh. Oviduct. O V I D U C T. Ovidduct. The tube through which an ohm or egg Passes from an ovary. Ew, gross. Ugh. Ugh, gross, gross, gross, gross. I apologize. Uh never had to get in. Uh we were talking about clo Kloaka oh and uh day one and Yeah. Uh I gotta close this cloaka page. This is bad. I just wondered about the Ovid Duck, don't ask.

Um, so hey, let's do this. It's time. That's actually How are you gonna show people what you're showing me? What's this gonna be? I'm gonna put on my block blog. Um and I'm going to share my uh gorgeous, absolutely beautiful, definitely uh spend a lot of time on this keynote presentation. Oh awesome. Perfect. Uh yeah. And I will see that here because you're gonna show me in the Zoom meeting. Mm-hmm. Yeah. Uh uh uh have you ever seen a Zoom presentation? Like have you ever sat through a uh a meeting where you have to look at slides? I don't know. A virtual meeting? I I'm No? Oh god. I mean I don't I I I don't know. I mean would it help? Yeah, uh no I don't know. I bet you're gonna like do a screen share thing, right?

No? Oh yeah, no, no. It's not that in it's not the interesting except that's the thing. I I just I wouldn't know how to answer. I didn't know if it would screw up your deal. Oh no, no, no. It's it's should we do a hard reboot of the whole program, literally from the start? This is the first time. Do every challenge over? Do by Friday. I have wondered if like we've thought about revisiting challenges. I'm like, what if we just started with the one and then is you even the shitty ones like the Steve Jobs movie and oh god that would be all right all right that sounds like our you know what that should be that should be our YouTube channel channel. Oh God. That no no no. That should be um we should make TikToks that are the best of due by Friday, all all the great hits, you know, that's oh sorry.

That'd be sponsored by NordVPN. Uh no no comment. So you're gonna go to Alex's black rock for that, and it's time get ready, you're gonna get dragged. Choo choo choo! Uh yeah, I just Just thought it was funny that people got so up their own clue uh cluacas about other people's tech choices and I wanted to play into that because w one time someone made fun of my uh desktop wallpaper and I t I twotted uh this is the m best Home screen, all of yours are bad, and I just had this is like the first time I had fun with Twitter strangers too. And we all just shared home screen and s and made fun of them. Uh it was honest to God, was fun. And then and the um I it i it's the the only reason that like I take the not take it seriously, but I actually still uh do this is because every year I find out about cool apps and stuff.

But uh we will get to that. Um let me share this with you. I will need to Uh you you ever been to like um for example like a baby shower or a wedding shower and there's usually one person like in the case of a wedding shower it might be like a sister or the bride's Bridesmaid, but somebody who's there who writes everything down and makes sure they know who to write a thank you note to, like what it was for. Do you need me to do anything like that here? Do you want me to oh wait, something's happening? You're start a screenshot. sharing. Oh shit. You should not be allowed to take over my screen like that. Exactly. Exactly. Yep. Yep. That's why I I yep. That's why I was very excited about this.

Horrible. Um I yes, I would I wanted to note that um yes that I didn't even write anything down of Because no, I I would just like you to remember that um the I could not find the original tweet because I got rid of l all of them and I was um too lazy to find it in my archives because I couldn't figure out How to open the JSON file in the right format. Um the I believe it was the year Avatar came out that I uh originally did Cocsmas. So key keynote just had this lovely key Oh is that an Easter egg Alex? Um I mean is it an Easter egg if I talk about how beautiful papyrus is and how it's Beautiful. It's especially an Easter egg if it comes out of your Easter coloaka. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Yep. Used it so I mean the movie.

The whole fucking movie. So um the tails have to mingle and you gotta put your tail inside your dragon? Yeah and But we all remember um Yes. We all remember where we were when Sigourney Weaver first appeared as a tall blue lady in a Stanford teacher. Mm-hmm. Yep. Well, and uh the the great quote by uh Natiri, I see you, which is an entire slide. Is that uh Zo Zoe Zoldania? Uh I belie I believe so, yes. Um more importantly, I see you, Jake Scully, the uh Mar I'm sorry, not former Marine, the because he's always a Marine. Um so I get get it? I see I see you. I see your home screens. I see you. I see you. Um in the late nineties, which is where you do a presentation and then explain w what it means as you're doing it.

Yes. Are you getting it yet? Uh r re real talk. Uh keynote, seriously underrated application. It's difficult to make things as bad as I have made this. Um the hours I used to spend and stuff like like macromedia director like to try and like make interactive things that would you know eventually be. flv files. Oh my gosh, it's amazing what you could at least last time I opened keynote was probably 10 Seriously? Oh I mean for what? What would I do with it? Boom boom chill. Mmm. I was I spent hours in it the other day. Let me tell you about something called flock. up. I'm the first person that ever made an Ethernet port turn in using an explosive fire dissolve was able to turn it into a dollar sign.

I didn't Did I mention that the Ethernet port was on the side of the planet Earth? Oh so so it was on the side, not the bottom. You're on the bottom. I know. Signed Ethernet at birth. Eyub. I see you said Jake Scully. I see you. Uh there's a number of like tropes when I put on Twitter or now also Mastodon, I'm like, hey everybody, uh send me your home screens and I can tell you why they're bad. And there's these fucking jokers who every year send me uh Android, uh their Android home screens. Now I'm that's why this looks weird to me. Yes. I I've shared three Android home screens with you. And you know what? Uh uh bits out out the window, I don't really care if people use uh an iPhone or Android.

However, Android, the whole appeal to me is the idea that you can make it look however you want. And this feels like stock Android. Like Why? Why? I uh Is it is it because of the design language aesthetics? Is this is this would it be germane at this point for me to mention the word material? Yes I think that's what I love the material for what it's worth. I learned about the material, all the numerous material icons through Home Assistant. I think it's so cool that they've done that. A la, you know, the way SF um Whatever the hell that's called. What's that called? The uh the cool app with all the icons. Uh SF symbols. Yeah, SF symbols. Um but yeah, no, I I that's a good question. No, it is.

I I I I had the Very first uh Android phone. I know, I know. Okay. You and VMware. Anyway, um but I think mobile It was a I think it was called a G1. Mm-hmm. And it had the little flippy uppy, not flippy uppy, but slidey uppy, kind of like a like a like a T Mobile um kind of like a doesn't matter. I but you know what it does because it had a nubbin too. P people really loved their nubbins on smartphones. Yeah it was kind of like the nipple on a uh ThinkPad, right? Yeah. It's a nubbin. Not a not a nip. A nip needs an areola. There's no areola. That's just a nip. I I apologize. Oh na next up. Okay. Oh sorry. Go ahead. No, no, we don't have time for that. I'm just gonna hum a lot. Okay. Good apps bet Okay, sorry.

Go. Are people gonna see this as an animated keynote thing? No, they're just little voices. You did all this for me. You put up all this wicker just for me. Oh yeah. Yes, all this. Oh, but this beautiful, beautiful, well ex Executed uh keynote. Color your mini golf ball. Uh-huh. Hot dogs. Too small. Oh, you like Tim Heideker before he was a producer of documentaries? Mr. Uh here is another theme I see in people's iPhone screens. They have a gr like a Top-tier apps, but just uh placed in such a way that it makes no sense. A good home screen should either w not I'm sorry, not either, should both be uh as Aesthetically, but also ergonomically uh uh l just just What what am I saying? Um it just should be really ergonomic.

Design is about more than appearance. Yes. Are you am I understanding that there's an element of um what my what my kid calls uh aesthetic. There's yeah, the the verb uh uh aesthetic to the verb to aesthetic. Or like we aesthetic, aesthetic almost But you're you're saying like it has to be like I and I I face that sometimes when I'm laying in bed at night and trying to read reader read read reader. And I got my CPOP mask on and I can't see I can't see the screen very well out of my right eye and it's difficult and then I can't do the reach and I don't like to have to use my right hand on my phone and I hate it. I hate it. So I gotta do that I gotta f do that mystery meet pull down reachability thing.

I know. I know some uh but like jokes love through him. It needs to be pretty or it needs to be no but it needs to be like like usable is what you're saying. Yes, yes. And again, please remember this is this is a bit, and I'm not I don't actually care about the channel. Should I try to guess who these people are? Um no. That was a strong answer, but also no. Uh I uh uh this The uh I appreciate that this year uh iOS has the ability to have focus modes so people have like different home screens for different focuses. Right, right. And I uh like how Kara can give you different cards depending on the weather. Yes, indeed. I I think that's really n I think uh just for what it's worth in passing, I think that is really neat.

I have barely begun to explore this on iOS, but I do think it is really neat. At this point all I have is like as I think I told you whenever they introduced the thing, the incredibly unapple, like probably a year or two ago. Hey, guess what? You know those pages you got? And you know how what a pain in the ass it is to delete apps? At Guess what? First of all, if you don't use an app, we're gonna take it away. Don't worry about it. That's gonna go away. But also, if you don't like those pages, just click on these little uncheck these and you just won't see those pages anymore. Oh, I love I disagree. Like the way Android does it is Is what Apple it seems like Apple's approach in theory would be we're gonna provide you you think about something back in the day like Font DA mover, like a clever way to work within the so you probably don't know what that that is.

But like back in the day on a Mac, if you wanted to move, in this case, fonts or desk accessories, you'd get a um you'd get this interface where you like kind of move things from left to right or right to left. to install versus uninstall. Like Apple of old would come up with a clever way of helping you manage your apps eventually, right? New Apple's like, you know what? You don't need all that. All those I bet they I bet they're like me. I bet they know that I don't use of the four hundred or whatever apps I've got, that I use six of them. And I I bet they could say, hey, Gordian knot, you're out of here. Just hide those pages. So and I do like the idea of having a page that could be your page for a particular DND or focus mode.

I think that's such a neat idea. I I have m m not many. I have four. Um this this person. No, it's a fucking mental. It's not a good thing. Su First of all, you have four different focus modes to begin with. Uh, I have to say though, in 2022, which is when I received this, who is using Pandora? I didn't even know Pandora was still you know the music app? I didn't even know it was still Yeah, I do know the music app and uh people without as much money as you is who listens to Pandora They're not going to be a good thing. Or people who don't like paying for music. I okay, that is what I thought. That's what they play at the hot dog place. It's just on in the background. I okay, no no no no no no I am going to fight you on that because I was wondering like oh is this a like last FM thing?

Am I just being a a bitch? But it has more ads than free Spotify. I thought it might be uh, you know, stop being poor wrongs as I'm I'm But also they do have Apple Music, so I guess I feel like it just has bad taste. I feel that way about ads on YouTube where I'm like, I don't you could charge me fifty dollars a month. I would pay that. Like I anytime I'm looking at I'm watching my kid, and I'm like, kid, you're on the fucking family account. You should never have to see an ad. It's bad enough my kid uses TikTok. in my house where my where I live where my children play with their toys. But like I just I I watch I do watch I watch a lot of YouTube and I don't hesitate to watch YouTube but I would watch so much less if I had to sit through All that stuff.

And I know that's a little bit of a mean flex. Okay, Pandora. But they've got it looks like a custom icon, right? I'm guessing no, that's is well, it's one of Pandora's custom icons. Yeah, like they're going all fucking tumbler with changing up their icons at random time. It's oh I hate it. I hate that. I hate seasonal icons. That's very that's a very sparkly phone case. thing to do. Yeah, yeah. No. I uh also but do you see what this person is doing though? They're they're trying. They've got Audible and Overcast together, kind of an orange. the change through the day. So you're you can't see this because you're it's a listening medium. There's a doc. This appears to be the f the first and only page from what I can gather.

You've got four things at the bottom. You've got four icons and judging by the color it looks like those are straight icons and not a series stack. Above that, you've got an area that's got in this case mostly affirmations, and above that two of the small ones. Yes. And they're all ugly and I'm not paying attention. Are they all smart stacks? I'm I don't think so. No, they are uh manual flippies, which I don't think. Oh, but like but they are but no th it's not like they change this all the time. It's some kind of Yeah, okay, sorry. Okay. Yes. Um but but the question is what are they trying to do here? There i well i i yeah, the the widgets at the top, no idea. It's it it's bad. The placement's bad.

The cute little I like the I like their cute little I I'm I'm so Sucker for the stupid affirmations. I think it's cute when someone I don't like them on my phone. Like I have a I'm like, oh this su So fucking stupid. And then when someone else has it, I'm like, oh, you you love yourself enough to I'm like, I'm so broken. Uh but they yeah I see what this person's trying to do with the thing. Isn't it? You know, you know, actually that was drawn by a baby. who's very sick. Oh then I love it. Oh but it's nice. Uh g I'm very happy for this person who is on the reader beta that both of uh us is a reader. The R uh boat both. The RSS app that I do. I did two different versions of that app and they're both gray.

Uh yeah, it's very confusing. Um But uh the reader from Readwise, which is mm, nothing. Oh I see, of course they have the reader from Readwise. You hate that icon, I kinda like it. Oh god, I hate it. I don't think it should have the uh I don't think it should have the suggestion of two different page turns on the icon. The the the logo the logo has a page turn in the R, which is clever. But then I think they they get uh as the Brits say, uh too clever by a half, adding a Page curl. I I don't mind a page curl. No, Insta Paper was the only uh the only icon that ever did it right. Like it was like, yeah, that is you're slightly turning a page. No. Reader, I love you. so much but it's a beta, so it's uh it's okay.

You're uh same I well n I'm a bottom. There's a difference. Uh the assigned beta birth. Uh Well, better part of being trans, being a b I'm bait about him. Uh the uh uh however this person's also doing something that w this is a theme. uh ha having another beta app on their home screen and it's like i I I call it the beta flex. I don't I don't like it. Uh and omnifocus four, omnifocus five, I don't know. How do you tell the omnifocus? It um only because I know that icon because you know I'm I'm one of those. But but in the And just because just because I I will I will hopefully speak on behalf of people who wonder what the fuck is happening in this episode. Uh there are there are little dots that represent things next to your name.

Yes. If you are on a beta, there's an ugly ass little yellowish orange dot. The direction I was gonna go was if you see a dot, here's what the different colors mean would be also be a helpful way to do it. Well what's is there any oh I guess Isn't there one for updated? Yeah, blue is updated and you haven't opened it yet and I I think that's it. It's just it's a mix and it's stup it's fucking stupid. Um all right. I I um I only included this because I wanted to show you an example of something that I find accept. And I don't really know how to describe this to the audience other than there's a bunch of good apps and like they're mismatched and it's kind of a jumble, but for some reason it just I don't want to puke on it.

Despite all of the uh uh all of the badges, I'm not sure. What Alex is talking about here, because obviously you guys can't see this. Um that's why I like you can't okay, how would you describe these? Well you would need to say what we're looking at for people to understand what you're talking about. We are all of these we're looking these slides are all iOS home screens. Right. And some of these icons, fixture icons for apps shown on these home screens, have the emblematic little red round thing with a number in it in white and that lets you know normally notifications of some kind. This person has six hundred and ninety-seven overcast episodes well uh episodes in overcast Which I would I wonder how many okay, whoever did you're probably gonna die before you listen to all of these.

Like there's no way. Um Uh uh next next slide. We'll do that. Uh this these two habit. This is an old habit. Yeah. Hey, somebody listens to rectifs. That's cool. Freaky. Fucking freak habit of keeping your phone, the phone app on your home screen. It's almost like they're different people. Oh god. It's it it's either another flex of people. That's it, that's a joke. The entire thing, why are you looking at Instagram? Yeah. Oh God. Um I do like You know, if comparison is the death of joy, I think Instagram is the death of everything. And you guys think you like it is the funny part. You think it makes you happy. No, no, no, this has been the party line for three years amongst the Marcos of the world.

It's like everybody's like, yo, well I'm still on Instagram because you know it's the only good thing left. I'm like, mm-hmm. Yeah. I well okay. You cannot you have never been on Instagram. You deleted Facebook before. Uh have you ever had an Instagram account? Yes, Alex. Wow, you didn't friend me. Oh my god. This this You're really good at this. Wait a minute. Okay, who's calling? So Alex is Fuck, never mind. Go ahead. What Alex is saying is Alex thinks that no one needs most people don't need a phone in their little cradle down there. No one. No one needs it. Yeah, no one. What if they need to have make calls as well as place calls? Is that allowed? You can put something different there? Okay.

You could have a shortcut to call people. I can make my own water too. Well So are you saying that you and San Francisco buy water bottles instead of using the Yes, just because specifically because I hate the environment. Mm-hmm. Yeah, you do you hate the earth and I I I buy bottled water, I throw out the water, I don't even use it to water plants, and then and then I put um things that can't biodegrade. into it. Like my soul. Yeah, no, I I I get what you mean though. It it's interesting though that the people I obviously there's gonna be a little bit of a sec self-selection bias to these, but it is kind of cool though that it's nice to see people are using widgets. It b that's something that uh surprised me, actually, quite a bit.

But we will get to the this. This is not uh you're not celebrating. No, we're not saying the nice things. No. Uh also look at everybody has ivory on their home screens. Oh look at me. I got into the beta. I'm cool enough Alex isn't y on the ivory beta yet, and uh Alex refuses to mastitute about the ivory beta until someone gets me an ivory. I know. Okay. Next time. Oh no, this, no, this, oh, oh bull. That number on the phone is very upsetting to me. Oh. Uh yes. Yes. Um this is in alignments now. We are we are uh on uh like there there's another home screen uh genre which I think of as chaotic good. Like they Uh the they use apps that are good most of the time, but they're just placed in the most random fucking areas.

And I don't understand the okay, okay. I am track. Who rides trades? There are two there are there are true two uh home screens on this slide. Um the first one has uh on what is on deck is that like a skateboarding app? I I don't know But like all these other apps, uh Fantastical, Peakelc, Overcast, l love it all. Yay, yay, yay. Um the next screen. Slide. No, no, no. Not the next slide. The next home screen. It's something down from that 956 I'm seeing. Messen oh, they have also Facebook Messenger. What okay Um and and the the phone app is not only on the h home screen, but there's uh 956 on the badge. Is that meaning voicemails? I uh what does it mean? I think it means both, possibly. I don't know.

Oh, and also uh not uh not only is there the phone app, there's the contacts app. Underneath contacts? I w I personally wouldn't do that. that but I get it. No fucking no fucking freak ass nature. And under that there is a uh I believe it's it's a the finance a finance folder and I can't C uh but well already whoever you are you have different banks Fargo I don't know the blue. Citibank and then wallet. Okay, yeah, we got Will Spargo, Citibank, Chase and We get it, you spend money. Also Twitter in your doc, which I like Twitter. Well, you should take issues. Uh uh on their that would be very g give me your ten day with activity on. That's pretty good. Fuck, I'll do it. I'll throw myself I'm gonna send you my home screen.

When we're done, I'm gonna send my home screen and my battery screen. Well here here's one thing that you should take uh as just a total affront to uh iPhones. The camera isn't isn't just uh i i in a place where no one could reach it with a thumb, like unless you are a a na'Vee from avatar, but it's on the wrong side of the screen. The camera is in the top left. You wouldn't you wouldn't allow for control center or swipe. Left to right. I uh uh uh and no, no, oh oh I'm s I apologize. Yes, I would allow that, but why have the camera app on there and apply next Next to the photos app when you can't even fucking reach it. Alright, next slide. Um this I I call it folders. Oh no. Oh no, so many folders.

That's a lot of folders. I have come around to the badges on the folders. Yes. I've I've come around to being like, okay, I'm I know that person. Yeah, that's MB right there. And I will say This is, um, I I uh the this person w can be identified. Uh Kate from the internet, uh Matt's spouse. And I'm afraid to make fun of her, but be mo I know, I'm very afraid to make fun of her. Uh but but seriously, what the fuck is this? Have you ever been in Mexico? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Fucking are Lock it more like a cock it or lock it. More like phone. Phone on page. Phone entertainment. What? Although uh locked up people. Lo Lock it's a fun uh app that we made that is a challenge and you hated it and I still use it and love it.

Uh but but again Uh what are you uh you know what you know what for her I'll allow the phone in the dock because she's uh she's married to someone in another country. Like Fine. That okay fine fine. Did they know that when they got married? The I I wonder if she and Matt were like, hey I was gonna ask if they've met, but I don't know if that's an appropriate question to ask anymore. We had a dinner the other day. It was lovely. Dinner online. Okay. Changing lives. Okay. Okay. Whose voice is that my voice? Is that Liscope? Excuse me. That's that guy. That's the guy from San Francisco. Excuse me. The grievance faggot. Um the okay, same slide, next home screen. I have no idea what is going on with this person's motivations for how they because as we all know, the iPhone home screen is just This is not their home.

This is their second page. No, no, no, no. Because the Wait! Oh! Merlin. Merlin, holy fuck. You're right. You're right. This is oh, oh, oh god. Uh okay, so this person Because they maybe maybe they they were worried about showing you their home. Screen, maybe How how could it be worse than this hundred? I don't know what Y N A B you're not uh ballistic. No, that's uh you need uh I use that. It's you need a budget. So it tells it it yells at you Well obviously I use it too, I'm a huge fan. I uh I'm great with money. Syracuse uses it too. You're just not one of the cooler. Uh yeah, there's just folders ev everywhere. Th there's a camera in the middle. It's a little eclectic. stupid looking. TikTok and Doc?

It'll be a little bit more. What's the middle one? Is that Tweeter or Tweeter or Tweedle? What's the middle one? I think that's Tweetbot. Yeah. Which is uh made by a company that does ivory which I was I just didn't recognize the it looks like a leaven to me. And I didn't recognize that because it's custom. Why are you making that noise? What does that mean? The vine? No? Okay. Next slide. This is chaotic evil. Okay. Um, there's just three home screens here. One is an Android phone clearly made to trigger. I Okay. There's there's this android screen. Oh, that's okay. We're we're not on that one yet. There is an this Android screen. Well you showed me a picture of a lady, I'm gonna notice. This this Android home show.

I was assigned Y Nab at birth. Oh I hate uh God that's So the one on the left, they're having fun with you with the one on the left because they've made a wallpaper of I genuinely don't think so. I think that this Oh, this is on Android? This is on Android. Yes. Yes. There's a lot of interesting aesthetic decisions here. Someone should go to the Hague. Someone should uh Yes. There should be a tribunal at the Hague about whatever led to this. being a little bit more than a little bit. No busy there's uh you know, don't make fun of them don't make fun of them, don't make fun of them. I'm just saying, hit me up, I will help you with this. Mm-hmm. Busy day. Busy day. Day day six of twelve. Seven of twelve.

What you what I yeah, what I so they did the thing where they dragged across multiple Yeah, I I could help you make this more, I know this is not an actual legal term, I could help you make this more actionable, whoever you are. Yeah, Professor Icon Iconia. And alright, sec a second. IMDB? Wait, are those apps this person has? Yes, these are all apps. IMDB Tumblr. There's a lot. Is that a Patreon? Chaotic Evil. Chaotic Evil. Yeah, I think these are these folks are having fun with you, I think. Yeah, yeah. Yes, craft and notion. Uh yeah, next oh god, next uh next. Next animation and tot. We need to talk, buddy. Okay, you know what? And no I thought I was here I thought I was here to be somebody who could give you some stick about giving them stick, but this person needs to be thrown into the back of a van and taken somewhere right now.

Right. This is some Mike Hurley level shit. This is just You got craft first of all you're paying for craft and you're paying for Notion. You're using Talk. No, we don't know that. Oh I didn't even see Notion. Oh god. Uh yeah, yeah. And they're not. Don't they do kind of similar things? The yes, yes they do. They shut out those pages with emojis on 'em. They do me, I do support me. I've got a PKM. Also, Uber Eats on the home screen. I just Well I unless you are an Uber Eats driver, which you're not, because well at least not based on this because there's a separate app, why do you need it on your home screen? Like just uh well I uh Yeah, and why is it forty one degrees at 10 PM? Who's coming up with this stuff?

All right, uh la last uh screen uh or screen. I just want to say whoever this is, she has great eyebrows. Pass that along. We're we're gonna get to this. But th this person has a uh You say you don't like a good eyebrow? I uh about Kim Wexler. Do you ever look at Kim Wexler and go, man, that lady, she's got great everything. She's basically like a walking piece of fanfic Everything everything there's so many things about her. There's a lot of feet, there's a lot of eyes, there's a lot of there's a lot of stuff with Kim Wexler. And I just want to say I think she has great eyebrows, is what I want to say. I want to say, now that we're uh we're we're done objectivi uh objectifying these strangers, why there's a big difference.

If you don't know the difference, you don't deserve people. Huh d Dig Doug, um to have Imgur the Imgur app. That that is imager, which is a uh gif gift. This is I M G U R. How do you pronounce that? Uh Imager. You're adding a lot of vowels that are not in evidence. Well, did you notice that uh this this wallpaper actually actually is from Day of the Tentacle, I believe, which is a game. Yes, I'm sure I know that you're very familiar with that. I leveled up to the boss on that. Oh, good for you. But look at the case. Yes, absolutely. Why would you have those Kloaka like zoomed in? That's because you're upset by holes. Right? Isn't it this does this upset you for the same reason that you wouldn't like I thought you didn't like those things that have holes in it.

Well, uh I'm not like uh uh the uh tripodipophobia tripodipophobia, I think, but nothing. Areolophobia. Yeah Uh I I do funny I find it funny though that there's also a folder just for remotes? What does that mean? I can't even looking at it uh uh there's so much that's where you would go to like use your remotes. What what's the record? What's the record in the dock? Well is that like a custom map for discs FM or something. I don't know. It's some album. Super interesting. No camera. I think this person has a very interesting approach. Photo. Okay, yes, a chaotic approach. Um, this, this okay, next slide. Apple has created uh something that I just have I find I know what you're talking about the back I I see what you were I Apple, I see what you were going for.

Whatever it was, this is not good. It's it's n uh not it. They didn't have to do it. Anytime you change your goddamn wallpaper, it wants to change all your pages too. I hate it. I hate I hate it. And what did you call it, Alex? I called it I called these butt smudges. Butt smudges. Like when you get a little book, we get marking. Yeah, it later. Everybody likes reader. Look at all this reader. It's a good RSS app. I don't know what narwhal is, but that's a cute icon. It's a Reddit app. I have Apollo on my phone, but I'm not sure. I don't use it. You have a oh that's interesting. Uh all of all of these apps. I don I've already imagined you dead. How would you have that? Why are you not on Discord?

Why were you on Discord that one time? Oh, you see Maryland's on Discord wall? Oh my god, the day you went on Discord, I thought that like something truly, truly terrible would happen. So you're you're part of the problem. This is why you can't say anything about Mike Ermintra without people thinking he's dead. People like you. You're the one posting that Denzel Washington picture. That's you, right? No, no. Oh, I'm so relieved. I thought Uncle Redenbacher had died. Whoa. Again, contacts on the home screen. Don't really uh uh just alright. But I mean other than oh god, there's just badges everywhere. Uh a lot of badges. Okay, everybody, you have a Tesla. I get it, you have bank. Send a Tesla, okay.

Oh, I don't even want to g dignify these butt smudges with more uh attention. So uh we we reach Oh look at the sweet dog. What a face. Look at that face. What kind of dog is that? That's a mix of some kind. It's beautiful like b beagle, terrier. Yeah, like a houndie meets. I bet somebody fucked Corey. Oh my god. Look at those beautiful lives. How do you think dogs get made? They don't just come out of the cloak on their own. This listen to Do by Friday the podcast. And they pay for ATP or steal it. Uh-huh. Um there's Ball Money. Where they live in Ball Money? That's gotta be Scottish. Oh, is it Bali? Don't say it. Never mind, cut that out. Cut that out. Battle mini. Oh no, this is public. Um the people on the right, they're so cute, and they have a dog too.

And you've now just demonstrated why these people have cheated. Because how can I judge A home screen that has an adorable puppy that listens to one of my podcasts. And The uh podcast. Yeah, and and specifically set the says, oh don't make fun of me and my fiance who and they're fucking adorable and actually cute. You still have time to fill your rings. You can do it. Nah God I don't care what 838 that is. That that's what my rings look like all day. Alright, so now we get to dashed, which includes uh my home screen on the or one of them on the uh furthest right hand. Uh Final final slide. So here's the I haven't seen all my cards yet. I'm trying to breeze through the expected period. Expected period I like what Apple has been doing in terms of like sort of embracing the idea of a a home screen uh potentially being a dashboard that you glance at.

And I i but it's really hard to do still. You gotta like have for there there's a uh Well also has 'cause there's always new stuff rolling in And like, you know, you you get a new app, you may not be aware. I don't know how you bubble that information up without being like kind of annoying and invasive, but there's you do have to be a little bit, I don't know, just I guess I'd say a little geeky. to like do this stuff. Yeah. Apart from even just like being aware that it exists, to like spend any time with it, it's a little bit geeky. But the uh I I don't know 'cause like the w uh widgets are so close to being good. They're so close because uh and I know the stock widgets or widgets is a thing Uh w widgets is a as a thing.

Like having um which side like a lot. I no, I'm not saying the stock widgets are bad. It's just Uh the fact that you can't interact with them is so unintuitive. Oh, that it's that it's basically like um it's basically app launching with an associate's degree. Yeah, yeah. And no, no, that was I do so uh It's like app launching with uh a bachelor's degree from a Florida liberal arts school There we okay, fair, fair. Not not punching down or up. I'm just punching myself. Why do you keep hitting yourself? Why do you keep hitting yourself? Um Oh, I hope this person oh that's what you're talking about. I hope this uh person got their period if they wanted it. If not, uh congratulations or uh oh. Um but they're probably vomiting if based on movies I've seen It's a lot of emails they got.

Oh yeah. Well, you know, I thought you would appreciate maybe that uh no one seems to be at Inbox Zero these days. kind of strayed from the the pack. Um anyway, th this has been th thank you. Well, you're not done, are you? I most of Coxmas uh happens On Twitter and more so. Seven takeaways from Coxmith. I hate that format so much. Seven takeaways from Coxos. It's always it's always takeaways and it's often seven. Sometimes it's five. The the uh reason it i I've been told the reason those are often odd numbers instead of even is that it makes the reader feel like you only uh wrote what you needed and then I invented that prime numbers. I invented that. No, I did. I invented prime numbers used in lists.

That was me. With uh the answer to the Jills in podcasting? No, I'm talking about I'm talking about 43 folders. The uh and and five oh in fives And mmm. Hmm. Five five five's prime. I guess, you know, depending unless you're doing some kind of new math, I don't know about. Okay, I got my screens. So much. I'm gonna send it to the final uh Final slide, uh another uh a great quote from Where's my goddamn cigarette? Yeah from uh Dr. Grace Augustine or Sigorney Weaver as Normal people will know her. More like Sig Horney. Uh Nope. Okay, so I don't need to not in no particular order. Wait, I gotta make sure I'm not sending anything weird here. Um, I don't actually care. I think this will be fine. I can always cut it out if I uh if you discover something horrible.

One, two, three. Well, I should probably look, because I don't want to fudge the whole thing. I've already fucked up this episode. so bad. Alright, that's good. Alright, so here are this is a my home screen, my battery screen, and my lock screen. And I'm texting this, I'm clicking, and there. Oh wait, I'm getting texts from the family. Oh, see fucking cheese. I know. Gotcha. Gotcha. Shut up. And those oh I'll send you a photo from today. Oh my god, and you even have one of those dumb affirmations that is good too. Oh fuck you. And I did it in the Unicorn. Yeah. Oh fuck all of this. Well the I'm gonna I'm gonna I tricked you because yes, this is all real. I just did it just now. But the main thing you need to know is that that's pure Siri.

When I'm in DND, all I'm seeing is those Siri suggestions. Look at the color of the font. How do you feel about that? I got a page that's nothing but Siri. I believe Let it let it figure it out. I say. In yes, I I am uh oh the little wardling. Um I respect the series suggestions uh because y you know what you it keeps you honest. You're you're clearly an honest man because you've got Grubhub on uh No I don't no I don't Siri's got Grubhub Exactly, Siri um has decided that you that Grub has learned and is what it's done. Oh, look, and someone's on the Eve beta. All right. Yeah, so far the value added to my life by the matter transition is far less than zero. Don't do it. Really? Yeah, it's a huge it's a huge hassle if it doesn't go through.

You gotta re-add the device normal style to HomeKit. I just was so I was so pumped to get in. Actually, I take it back. I'm sorry. This is that's not entirely true. So basically what you look at here is one, two, three, I can't do numbers. Four four icons across and s six icons down so no we you don't use any wig well no sorry the top four are perma um icons you can tell from the light gray that the other ones are series yeah yeah yeah So those are the ones I keep on the homepage. I look at look at fucking uh uh editorial. No. You know what sucks is it also I uh I think that Mr. Tortoise is eventually gonna find a way to get you out of this, but uh the the thing that I uh It's the stupidest constraint, it's all it's all just my Dumbhead.

I just like using task paper on a Mac. Yeah. No, I I hey Macs are cool again. That's that they're they're in. Macs and bow ties. Oh god, I love the editorial icon though. It's really good. Um and so and then there's a picture of the little lord with um weather scanners. Um send me your battery page, please, in exactly the same format. See what you use. So that is a ten that is a 10 day with activity on. Okay. See, I need I'm a slow tight. This is weird. I don't know about these. Wait, I'm in How's I how do I have an hour and thirteen minutes of Grubhub on screen? Wait, battery health injury. Maybe that's my maybe that's my Instagram. Wait, so are you battery usage by app? Is that how you work?

Um yeah, so there's you should let me look real quick. So you're in battery and then Scroll in uh do last 10 days and then click on to like show activity. Because if you click show activity the blue link under probably screen idle. Yeah. Oh, you're dark all the time. Oh, show activity. Oh, okay, hold on. Yeah, I just had percentage there. Know what the top app is. Uh that is a new game I have uh cool been playing called uh Marvel Snap and it's just uh how many hours have I play Oh god Ha ha There's not that much there's not that much Tic Tac on here. Uh no, I don't really I I don't actually no I'm a big fan of uh all doing it. Oh my god. Um I have a I have a Twitter account for every podcast I I do.

Um but yeah, the past this is very much a COVID homes or uh Well is there anything that we can learn from this? I'm sorry, go ahead. So I apologize. No, I'm just I'm surprised reader isn't up here, because that's been like Big Oh no, I've been using it on my iPad. That's why. Anything people should learn from this? Are there any takeaways uh from this year's uh holiest of seasons, Coxmas? Do better. Do better. Do better. But it won't matter. But it won't matter. The point is you'll never do well enough. You'll never, it's yeah. It's it's just It's always gonna be bad. You're going to be bad. It doesn't matter but please us. You're going to be bad. Oh uh it's very, very bad. But did you know if you have custom shortcut icons now uh and if you have the dynamic island, you basically get no pop-up.

So like all I have a ton of custom icons now just because I Nope. Uh like you know how it used to um well I guess you don't you wouldn't know because you don't use uh shortcut on the home screen, but it would uh uh there's an open app. Yeah, yeah, we're had to do that two-step yeah, yeah, yeah, because my kid did that with uh his icons. one point. It's it's aesthetic. It's a it's aesthetic, the verb. Yes. Oh boy. Um that was the uh Merry Coxmas, everybody. Thank you for being whoever wherever she or they are. Yeah. This is Mary and I love her very much. raw transcript