250. All the Anxiety Holes

AlexThis is Do By Friday, a weekly challenge podcast with Merlin Mann and Alex Cox. This week's challenge, life lessons of teppanyaki. Good morning. Oh, good afternoon. Oh, that's right. It's still, despite, sorry, I'm late.

Despite me being late, it's still morning where you are.

MerlinGood afternoon.

AlexHow's your morning? What's your velocity?

MerlinOh, man, I am flying.

AlexOh, do tell.

MerlinUm, yeah? You want me to talk?

AlexOh, yeah. Well, you know what? I haven't even opened the dock.

MerlinI guess it's a podcast. I need to talk. It'll be hard for me, but I'll work through it.

AlexI feel like this is the situation you have with Syracuse and your doc. I don't know whether I should come in hot or do the thing that people do where they go over what's going to happen during the show. People think we do that. And I'm like, oh.

MerlinWell, everything's all fucked up now that, I don't know, using Zoom is, I'm sorry, I don't mean to back on Zoom, but it can be a little bit frustrating to use. Whereas with Skype, again, this is like being excited about an ex-girlfriend you hated. But Skype, at least, I understood how it worked. And with Zoom, I'm constantly making the same errors over and over, probably because I've got Skype on the brain. But the time was, Skype pops up. It goes boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop.

And you hit it and the show starts. That's my preferred way. now with this i finally did turn off the extra layers of make me click buttons because i can't tell one of us is muted it says oh you're now recording with computer audio beep boop boop and and then it says it like that says beep boop boop i don't know why it seems kind of weird they should fix that but you know and then eventually it kind of starts and fuck man you you lose the um you know even that little bit of hesitancy you know and you you lose the the hot

Alexopen. Oh, you should file some feedback for that.

MerlinI will. I'll definitely do that. Every time I've tried to send any kind of a hey, this thing just crashed on Monterey, perhaps unsurprisingly, it just beach balls until it just never sends, which is funny.

AlexOh, it's almost like they don't want to hear

Merlinit. Okay, so here, before I talk, do you want to do what we could do? Something we talked about on You Look Nice today that I think is smart is that, you know, now we do a thing where we just, we come in cold and we sit there and we remark on each other. And then we talk a little bit and we just hang out a little bit. And of course, eventually without us even realizing it, the show starts.

AlexEverything is in the show. This is in the show. Wow. Is that why you do have the cold hope open? Oh, God.

MerlinWe do a cold hope. Cold hope.

Alexthat's my third rap album cold hoping i was saying that on wednesdays i actually wake up well quote early and by early i mean 7 a.m in case something needs to be taken care of in the morning that uh but before we recorded like my landlord dougie deciding to pop in

Merlinfor some reason or you know uh get a hobby dougie jesus yeah and and the neighbors are moving so

AlexAlthough I need to make sure that they don't park in front of our garage so Matt can get the car out for work. And it's, you know, so I have a routine.

MerlinThere's dogs to walk.

AlexI know. I know. Oh, and but this morning I just had a bit of an interruption with my own gastrointestinal system, both to the north and south.

MerlinSo when you said that, I assumed, I assumed, OK, this is not the show. We're going to do a thing now where I mean, we'll probably release this just because we're so we're so thirsty for content. And we have kind of unintentionally raised the bar that this is now a five-hour-a-week podcast. No.

AlexI mean, yeah.

MerlinYes. But this is not the show. But now when you said that to me this morning, and I don't want to speak out of school, I've been admonished by our worst friend of the show, John Stracuse, who you should never say what somebody says in texts. Because he gets dirty.

AlexNo.

MerlinNo. No. No. When you said that, when somebody tells me, and I got words on the brain today, And that's a lot of what I've been doing that brought me to this particular velocity, which is not viscosity. But I've added a bunch of new items to my words I dislike list, the one I read to you recently. I just added a whole bunch this morning because I've had it. I've had it with the way people talk. I've had it. But with that said, you had said you had gastrointestinal pump. Now, when somebody says that to me, I think they've got the trots. Oh, sorry, that they've got wet, absolute paint job shits.

Because if it's a fart, you can still just mute. If you have to barf, I don't consider that gastrointestinal.

AlexOh, really? Oh.

MerlinWell, I don't want to out you as a barfer, but it sounds like you had some tummy trouble today.

AlexI have literally thrown up on this show multiple times. I know.

MerlinWe try not to abuse it. It's sort of like Creed on The Office. You've got to use it just enough. Or like, so we could double down, as they say, which doesn't mean what people think it means. That's going on the list, double down.

AlexOh, well, now I don't even, double down.

MerlinOh, double down makes me very angry. Double down. People don't know what it means. And then when you say triple down, well, can I just tell you guys triple down is not a thing. We'll talk about it. I'll save it for the show, double down. Creed. You got to use Creed just enough. They use Creed very lightly. And I know from listening to the podcast about The Office that, you know, he kind of snuck his way into the show to begin with. He used to be the guitar player in the grassroots in the 60s, which is kind of cool.

AlexThe roots? Wow.

MerlinThe grassroots. No, no, no, no.

AlexOh, I'm like, what?

MerlinTotally different head.

AlexThat would be on brand for Creed the character, but.

MerlinI don't know. I don't know if he played on Midnight Confession. I don't think he played on that, did he? in my midnight confessions when I tell all the world that I love you. I don't know if he played on that one, but he was definitely in the band. And that's barfing on this show, like barf day. That would be like putting a hat on a hat on a hat.

AlexNo, that's like a puke in a shit. I don't know.

MerlinPuke in a box? Okay. Alright. Anyways, send the follow-up here. Boy, I got a lot to say.

Alexuh you doing okay you do yeah we're doing uh oh how is alexander feeling i'm i am you know uh

Merlinduring my am i allowed to call you that is that a misgendering thing have you put that name behind you i like the way it sounds it has good mouth feel if you want me to call you something different i like lexi you said in passing lexi i kind of no no you don't like it is that like liz liz liz

AlexI tried. Well, that's the name I tried to do. Oh, wait, no, I've tried Lexi and Allie.

MerlinAllie's adorable. Allie. It was adorable. That's a cute name for a dog. Allie. Allie.

AlexI wish that's what people call. Oh, that would be sweet. No, Alexandra is a fine name. In fact, I would encourage you to say Alexandra Elizabeth, which is, you know, the proper Christian name.

MerlinOh, that's a good saint name. Okay. And it's okay if I say, if you ever want me to call you, like I say to my kid all the time, because I know, I mean, I know there's a lot going on that I don't get invited to some meetings. So I check in once a month and I, you know, I check in, I check in. I say, hey, is there anything I need to update? Is there anything I need to know? we agreed a long time ago as we did here and we actually agreed it's okay to say you guys in our parlance that's okay you told me a long time ago it's okay to say you guys I think that's a thing where you do need to ask consent

but sometimes I say something I said since time immemorial is like I'll be on a break from a podcast and I'll say hey I hope everybody's day is going great this is how I write hey I hope everybody's day is going great how you girls doing because that's what I say and I want to make sure, you know, that's still okay. I like to check in on what words we should use. You know what I'm saying?

AlexYes, and if...

MerlinBecause words mean things.

AlexBut yes, and if you have two women in your family who are like to be called by girls...

MerlinI don't know what I've got. Everything's changing. Everything's up crazy. Fakakta upside down. Everything's always up in the air.

AlexBut that means it's good because you're checking in and then... checking in but i don't want to be invasive i know and i think what is uh i'm i'm i'm doing the thing where i kind of talk to listeners now i know i know that we don't like that uh but we could start doing that if you want uh you have been very gentle with me during my you know like sick slash stress slash mentally from work whatever uh it's whatever we're calling it and

Merlinyou know every time well in a in a weird way did i make it weird no no you didn't make it no no oh my goodness i'm your friend and i want you to feel like i'm your friend piece of shit

Alexyou i know you have a stupid fucking face don't make me end the meeting your face is so fucking stupid oh i know if i told if someone told me i was pretty i would be just very enlarged

Merlinthat's like when somebody tells you your joke was humorous yeah no i was very humorous and why

Alexand you laugh yeah well that's why like when a boss is like when a manager is like hey you guys the reason that it was typically hey brother yeah yeah it was that that casualness of i'm just your friend here and i'm just talking to you like i'm one of the guys like that that's sort of where the both like just the patriarchal grossness comes from like i i use guys amongst my friends

but not like to address an audience which would be weird no i i mean like to just go to the very

Merlinobvious to go to the extremely obvious but salient example i mean there's a word well there's a very famous word that that like a version of which is okay to use in a certain community and not anywhere else right there are a number words uh like that a version of the end

Alexa version of the end yes i mean i i think so that is just but like even but like when dot com says

Merlinit you know it sounds really bad like like don't say it but no i think i everybody's got their own personal languages and this again see also the last like 80 episodes of this show yeah we're stealing too had a girl valor really oh okay i wouldn't want to do that try and post the right episode oh hey no matthew is i'm talking here i'm the jasmine let the jasmine talk um but uh and there is a this is the part of the problem with having to pretend that where what what people we have we're trying to pretend we're someone that we imagine is more likable and admirable

instead of being who we are there's slacks all over this goddamn country where people are going fucking ham on the culture getting all crazy and saying saying dumb shit because like good like that's where it belongs like go be horrible with your friends that's why you're they're your friends you know i'm saying and like there's different kinds of again not code switching that's the wrong term probably but the um uh what's the word i'm looking for like there's maybe it is code switching but there's a certain way that we can talk to each other in private that we wouldn't

Alexwhat you do in public a good example i think i forget which show oh actually it was a gender reveal which is um like a very good podcast game show okay it's a podcast about uh another podcast about gender uh that and the risk sometimes is when if you are not talking to somebody in your community like uh mal blum who is a lovely artist i'm just pitching all the things i like today i

Merlinguess i like the name i like the name mal is it oh it's so good that's one of the lumberjanes one

Alexof the lumberjanes yes yes it is it also well and they're also trans and it makes it like the name of alex it just makes it convenient easier on for like whatever assumption people see that's what

Merlini'm worried i'm worried i'm i'm blowing up your spot i'm scotching your deal no when i when i call

Alexyou that no the the only people who aren't allowed to call me alexandra are the people that i don't like who's that can you name all of them right now oh yeah yeah i've got i have the list right here

Merlinremoves large scroll it's uh yeah it's just called twitter

so we're good but we're good we're good on language i've been gentle to you thank you

Alexfor saying that yeah i wouldn't say the word transsexual like when straight cis people say transsexual in a jokey way it does and the the joke that um is very funny i think is that like you need to earn those syllables which again is a joke it does not mean but no no no but it's there's

MerlinThere's definitely a grain of truth. Oh, let's do that thing where I ask you to do my emotional labor. Tell me about the difference and preference distinction between transgender and transgendered. That feels like a fairly recent one, and I get the feeling that one is more preferred. You want to educate me on that?

AlexOh, transgendered, I think, was briefly used.

MerlinIs that like a sexual preference kind of thing?

AlexNo, that's a dog whistle type thing from the right, but it's not a common mistake, I think. And if it's a, like, when I say mistake, it's like when I say viscosity and I mean velocity.

MerlinI know what you mean.

AlexYeah, and it's like, oh, also it just, God, I'm such a, I'm a grammar bitch too, though. And I'm like, well, that just doesn't make sense.

MerlinOh, boy, you go off, they. I'm going to go off on words. You go off on grammar. I read my daughter some Cormac McCarthy this morning.

AlexOh, Lord.

MerlinAnd there's so much that I like about Cormac McCarthy. But the gentleman does not use a lot of commas.

AlexNo.

MerlinI think he traded all of his commas for the Cesar. Wait, I get a ding for that.

AlexThat's a good ding. You like that? Thank you.

MerlinI'm on Creed Bratton's page. I'm going to put that in notes. So you were barfing. I've been gentle. Yes.

AlexNo, I was just puking because I've been trying new medication, and sometimes it upsets my tummy a little bit, and it can be a bit unpredictable, but all good. I think, was it last week or two weeks ago, you mentioned that you wanted to give me space in that space to take care of my health?

MerlinI wanted to give you space, but in the sense of like, and it's hard to describe without sounding like you're trying to be weird and not be someone's friend. You know, stay safe.

AlexYeah.

MerlinI, you know, I think it's one of the kindest things that you can do with people and it's very difficult to do. It comes to me easily as a person from the Midwest. But I think there's something nice about saying like, well, listen, first of all, if you ever want to help somebody, like I said, you know, and I didn't do this well with Matt. But if you ever want to actually help somebody offer something specific, otherwise, because if you just say, let me know if you need anything, like that's, you know, that's the equivalent of stay safe. Hey, be careful at Chernobyl. You know, stay safe. It's like, oh, thoughts and prayers.

Rush to the hospital.

AlexI'm going to talk about this. I fucking hate words.

MerlinSo angry right now. Anyways, but what you can do, number one, it's always two things with me. Number one is if you actually want to be helpful, you could offer something specific and say like, hey, would it bum you out if like I sent over a hot dish or like had some order some Grubhub for you, something like that. Or, you know what I mean? Like offer something specific.

And then the other one here is I don't know. We don't really have, once again, with the words, the words for this. But it's not – yes, it's space, but I think one of the kindest things you can do for somebody is to realize that they would benefit from fewer expectations for a while and to let people know in a way that's not insulting or is not – God, almost ableist where you like make somebody think, oh, you know, you're not very competent right now. So do whatever fucked up thing you need to do.

But I don't know what the words are, but I think a nice thing is to reduce the number of expectations that someone has. And because we share a certain amount of weird wires, the problem is we will interpolate, we will fill in all the anxiety holes title where we will go like, oh, shit, this person's not contacting me because they don't like me or they think I'm bad or they don't think I'm, you know what I mean? Oh, absolutely. capable but i don't know what the words are but you know it's almost like like you know you keep referring to that that phrase that you and your partner use in lieu of i love you i feel like we

almost need something like that to say you know hey in your own time yep like just say hey look it's good like if if this were taking too long today to record i would say to you hey i got a hard out at xyz time do you want to just skip this one you know and it's like i say to my kid like, listen, don't stop assuming I'm ever saying anything passive aggressive to you.

AlexYes.

MerlinBecause the truth is, I really like you and things are cool. And if I need to say something to you, I will say it and I'll do it in the kindest way that I can. But I hope you would do the same for me. I don't want to guess about the status of our relationship based on what's not being said.

AlexThe thing that I like about all of that is I don't know if we need words for it, though.

MerlinI well it would be great if we had words but also we only because we need you need like you need to actually like a like you know the equivalent like war games turn your key sir you need an acknowledgement with the other person that you both understand what was just communicated I think

Alexwe just need a little bit of more vulnerability to and I'm not talking about uh sorry again I'm talking to the audience why the fuck i'm why uh but a lot of hand what my sixth grade sixth grade teacher once said to us when uh one of my classmates parents had died pretty suddenly she's like you know uh during times like this people probably aren't going to remember what

you said to them, but they are going to remember if you did say something, which I've always...

MerlinOh, wow. That's a lot of pressure.

AlexWell, yeah. Again, well, listeners now, Catholic school. I also feel like you're a little bit talking around... Jokes have left the room. I'm bipolar and took a leave from work, which is why sometimes we check in about my health.

MerlinOh, yeah. Oh, yeah, it's good. It's good to remind the people, even as we bleed, as we bleed listeners and bleed supporters. I think it is it is still very important to it to assume that occasionally they'll be a new person.

AlexI thought we had an oh, no, we had a few people contacted me who who had come to the show new. And I was like, oh, hello. Oh, good luck.

MerlinWelcome. Welcome.

AlexBut I try to tell people if I can't do something specific, I'll often just say, I doubt I can be helpful now. But if so, let me know. And no need to respond.

MerlinBecause, I mean, the problem is, like my friend and boss, Giles, said, I can't afford your loyalty right now. A phrase that still rings in my head. I told you about this, right? No. Yeah, I told you about how, like, yeah, it was my dot-com job. And the guy who hired me was a dear, dear friend of mine. And I was being a real, I told you this, I was being a real dick with him because it was looking, because it was 2,000, things were definitely on the decline. And not only was I being really thirsty about constant reassurance that my job was secure, on top of that, I was also being a dick about, like, hey, you know, I really should get a raise and blah, blah, blah, and all these other companies.

I could go on monster.com right now and da-da-da-da. But then I made it all a thousand times worse by saying, you know, because I, you know, I know it's really important I be here and I want to be loyal to you. And I want to, you know, I want to give you the opportunity. Like, really all as you can, you're probably all cringing right now because what a terrible thing to say. And he was always really cool about it until, and I didn't do this constantly. But it finally happened often enough. And on the wrong day where Giles just looked me straight in the eye and said, Merlin, I cannot afford your loyalty right now.

Like what you're calling loyalty. I mean, I'm paraphrasing or interpolating here. But like what he was saying was this thing that you are passive aggressively calling loyalty is really a kind of dark emotional blackmail. You're trying to extort me because of our relationship. And that's not cool. So like, you know what, whatever you're calling loyalty, take a dirt road. Like I can't have this conversation about how loyal you are all the time. And I really, I felt exactly as bad as I should.

I was ashamed of what I had done. And I used to feel ashamed about how I would, like people with depression or people like you say who are grieving. And I used to be one of those people that was like, you know, I would just say what I thought was helpful, but it was just dumb shit. Like, you know, I don't know. You just say all the most cliche stuff and, you know, I'm sorry for your loss, which is not that bad. But, you know, I would walk right up to the edge of cheer up. You know what I mean?

AlexOh, yeah.

MerlinAnd the work in progress that I'm still kind of sitting with and I'm not comfortable with but is a little better is I'm so sorry. I hope someday it becomes less terrible. That's what I've got. What I've got, like, never try to talk somebody out of being sad.

Alexif that worked we'd all be happy yeah that's i i i think i maybe i got this from you but but sometimes i'm like i really hope tomorrow sucks less like i mean yes exactly that's that's perfect it's just i mean that's the thoughts and prayers used to mean something yeah but again if

Merlinyou really care in the same way that you would offer a covered dish um i mean and you know the person well enough, like in that, in that sweet spot of like, they're not your greatest friend, but they're not just somebody you met at the taco place. I mean, you, if you got, got it in you, you could actually say things like, I can't imagine how much you're going to miss them. Like, what do you, you know, don't tell me like, like, what do you, what do you, what do you, what do you love about them? Like, what's, what's a thing that like, you're going to hold in your heart as a, as a great moment. And like, I don't know, that's not right for everybody, but like,

if you want to be helpful, be helpful. Don't just try to clap out of the relationship by saying something that, like, you could have seen on a Hallmark card. Anyway, I hope it all becomes less terrible. I hope you stop barfing. Sorry about your barfing, your gastrointestinal barfing.

AlexYou don't get a ding for that. It's still...

MerlinI'm not asking for a ding. I just hope it gets better soon. Your face is fucking stupid.

AlexAll right. Oh, I did the thing. I thought you were being passive-aggressive. Oh, see, or bell-aggressive.

MerlinYeah, well, I invented sarcasm.

AlexNo, Chandler Bing from Friends did.

MerlinI stole that joke from my friend Dan. My friend Dan said that in 1988, and I thought it was the funniest thing I ever heard.

AlexThat gets a ding.

MerlinHe actually said, I invented sarcasm. I was like, that's really good. That's really good. It's very Douglas Hofstadter. Can I read you a paragraph? It's just to lighten the mood, and then we'll come back to your medications and your barfing. No.

AlexWell, that's the thing. There's nothing. There are no updates for my medication and barfing, except I spent all week. I mean, I basically have been watching Silicon Valley all week.

Merlinand I still I still want it's all I go I watch it's an affliction Maddie is also getting back

Alexinto it so basically uh during the day when I am if I'm puking I'm uh I'm just watching Silicon

MerlinValley it goes down so easy yeah and yet yes if you want to pay if you if you want to pay attention there's fucking so much there I mean uh T.J. Miller's line readings especially the last three episodes of season one are so, when he's on stage and the lights come up and everything, and Jared's been in the shipping container, and those last three episodes of season one, I watched them last night. For the second or third time this week. Where are you right now in the series? I

Alexam on the end of the third season and the beginning of the sixth season because I am watching,

MerlinI've already seen it. You're a jumper. You jump.

AlexNo, I actually am. I'm a looper.

MerlinI jump. I jump all the time.

AlexWell, I'm a looper only because that I am just basically rewatching it as I am watching it for the sixth time because I've seen I forgot how much I love this show. I mean, I'm in denial about how horny I am.

MerlinI know. I know. Me, too. I'm exactly the same way.

AlexAnd I can't I know that it's not for everybody, especially many of my friends, because they do computers and they can't enjoy it in the same way. But it's still, God, just the way Jared, I mean, talk about.

MerlinOh my God, every line.

AlexOh, it's so good. Donald, you've come undone.

MerlinI love that. Are you very interested? Somewhat interested or not interested?

AlexOh my God.

MerlinMr. Carr. I love what he does. Mr. Carr. Oh my God. And like once you get into Jared, you realize that pretty much every single line is a gift. His delivery, his line readings on every single line are so flawless.

AlexWhat is this actor even? I forget his name.

MerlinZach Woods.

AlexWhat is Zach Woods doing?

MerlinHe's on. What is he? He was on later seasons of The Office.

AlexWell, yes, he was Gabe. because I did a problematic because when Matt was changing his name he considered Gabe and I was like no, no because I don't enjoy that character

MerlinGabe and Jared are both really a type I would have said no to both

Alexbecause I just wouldn't have I would have every time I would have heard Richard, Richard, Richard I'm just staying in solidarity

Merlinand he's in the garage and he has to move his stuff I haven't slept in a box in years and the ongoing thing of like Gloria and how he has many friends who are seniors he's like was he talking about hospices or something he's talking about something and like talking about how most of his friends are elderly

AlexI haven't slept in a box

Merlinin years

AlexI would have

Merlinwell how'd you learn to do manicures Jared it was a way to survive on the streets

Alexhe's like Kenneth

Merlinwhen we, you know, in 30 Rock or like Peppermint. My daughter and I talk about this stuff a lot because there are these characters and, you know, anybody who's watched these shows, I'm not telling you anything new. A character like Kenneth on 30 Rock, like Creed on The Office, like Peppermint Butler on Adventure Time where you're like, huh, that's interesting. And just these little clues come up. Like when Creed talks about like, you know, I've been in a number of cults. Being a leader is good because you make a lot of money, but If you're a member, you have more fun talking about the group sex in San Francisco.

How would I even know? On and on. And when he has to steal his identity, it's by Creed Bratton. And he holds up his passport and you see he is actually Creed Bratton. There's that. And then the Jared stuff. It just makes me so happy. Oh, God.

AlexSo that is literally what I've been doing all week. As you know, my spouse is like my comms person. God, I'm making it sound like he's my assistant.

Merlinuh but wow i see like well you know you have a uh like a uh like a um who am i thinking of there's got to be a good example from silicon valley and i'm just spacing on it i mean oh god

Alexlike a healthier version of jared right now except the or kind of your i know monica is not an

Merlinassistant but like are you laurie and that's monica oh god that's actually a very good yeah Your personal Milton justifying the ways of God to man.

AlexAfter all.

MerlinLet me explain.

AlexMonica.

MerlinPeter. Peter's not big on walking.

AlexWhen I.

MerlinHe hasn't run in a very long time.

AlexWhenever I want to annoy him now, just Monica, Monica. Monica.

MerlinOh, I keep on. I've watched this show so fucking much. My wife doesn't see it, but I can feel myself sometimes. and I'll say something, do something, move a certain way and I'm like, I sound like Laurie Breen, don't I?

AlexOh, yep, yep, yeah.

MerlinIt happens to me all the time. You know, the Russ Henneman with whom I am acquainted, like there's just a certain way that Laurie talks and I feel myself doing. And then at times I'll do it like Richard Hendricks. Is that how you talk all the time?

AlexYeah, yeah, it's a great... Oh, and you were going to read me a paragraph you liked.

MerlinI read this to my daughter while we were waiting for our bagels this morning. The judge, like a great ponderous gin, stepped through the fire and the flames delivered him up, as if he were in some way native to their element. He put his arms around Glanton. Someone snatched the old woman's blindfold from her, and she and the juggler were clouded away. And when the company turned into sleep and the low fire was roaring in the blast like a thing alive, these four yet crouched at the edge of the firelight among their strange chattels and watched how the ragged flames fled down the wind as if sucked by some maelstrom out there in the void, some vortex in that waste apposite to which man's transit and his reckonings alike lay abrogate.

As if beyond will or fate, he and his beasts and his trappings moved both in card and in substance under consignment to some third and other destiny. Fucking A right. Fucking A right. Now, I cribbed that from Stephen King's On Writing, where he read that. And that was my first exposure to the actual words of Cormac McCarthy. And I was like, what the fuck? Because I read On Writing, I don't know, 10, 15 years ago. And just it's one of my favorite books. But when he gets in the second part of the book where he talks about, you know, writing.

And he read that. And I was like, holy shit. Because I like, I've never been like, I don't really get James Joyce. I will someday. I do get William Faulkner, I think. So I like this kind of bullshit. But he takes it to the next level, the McCarthy man. That is from Blood Meridian by Cormac McCarthy.

AlexI would not have ever enjoyed him, I think, unless I had first read slash heard The Road via audiobook.

MerlinYeah. The audiobook of Blood. I got the audiobook of Blood Meridian. And this guy, Richard Poe, who reads it, is just, it's perfect. He sounds exactly the way you would hope.

AlexOh, hey, listeners, all my parapals, going to talk to you again. Any good audiobooks, send them my way. Just let me know. And if they've fallen off the back of a truck, even better.

MerlinAnyway, hey, Merlin, sorry, I blacked out there.

AlexBut Richard Poe, I'm not finding this on Audible. Audible. Oh, there it is.

MerlinAudible.com.

AlexHow is it that Audible, I mean, okay, I know that it's because Amazon, but sometimes the Audible player is so, so bad. It is worse than Spotify. It's worse than Apple Music. It's just.

MerlinIt's a little bit inscrutable at doing the stuff that feels like table stakes. So like when I bought, I have to admit with shame that I have not owned a copy of, I have not bought with money a copy of John Dickerson's Hardest Job in the World. And then he used to now that there was.

AlexSorry, what?

MerlinPriorities are like arms, Alex. So anyhow, I did buy it on the Kindle and then I popped for the Audible because I knew that he had read it. Sorry, John. Sometimes I fall asleep listening to it because it relaxes me.

AlexWell, guess what I was listening to while I was puking. I got through all of rec tiffs at 1.5 speed, but still.

MerlinJesus Christ. I'm sorry. Are you that busy?

AlexNo, just go off, jazz girl. He has a wonderful voice.

MerlinNo, but that means I had occasion to open Audible. Last thing I listened to Audible probably was The Rook, I feel like, which is a big family listen on car trips. recommended. But anyway, I opened it and I was like, gosh, it's really, I mean, everything's kind of in here, but it's in a weird place. It feels like an app from what, like eight years ago? It feels like it has not... It's got that tabby bottom thing that is not as in favor as it, you know what I mean? The incredibly generic,

I don't know if it's called TableView or whatever, but whatever they're doing, it does not feel very bespoke. And it is funny, and I apologize in advance if you're listening, Sarah, but it is a funny thing that Amazon properties being like Amazon, not Zappos so much, but Amazon, IMDB, and Audible. They all have uniquely bespoke terrible experiences in their own way. Anna Karenina as a website.

like no such thing as a fish i'm trying to uh spoil anna karenina every week

Alexyou ever listen to no such thing as a fish it's a very good show it is a very good show i i pop pop in and out because i love the fact that fish don't exist but both the well the podcast the book and the completely separate fact of that fish don't exist it delights me i'm very into octopuses lately.

MerlinNo kidding.

AlexOh, yeah.

MerlinOh, yeah. I was running out of stuff, as always, running out of stuff on Netflix. I ended up watching the Richard Ramirez thing again last night. Oh, my God. But I keep looking at that Octopus Teacher. Oh, that's a pretty good one. The Night Stalker one's pretty good. And I keep seeing that Octopus Teacher, and I'm like, I know this is like, I just know there's jokes about this. Is it any good? Should I be watching Octopus Teacher?

AlexI haven't seen this, and it's a, quote, date night tonight.

MerlinIs it a shape of water thing? Is it something he fucks? Does he fuck the octopus? Do you know?

AlexI don't know. That's the thing.

MerlinCan you fuck an octopus? I mean, I guess you can fuck anything if you're horny enough.

AlexI mean, if you're that determined. I still don't know how you would do a doorknob if you have a PNN. Whatever. Wrap it around.

MerlinOnce again, you bring in terminology. So I'm going to add that to keyhole. That's another one you brought me, doorknob. Now, doorknobbing. I know doorknobbing from my days in litigation.

AlexWait, what?

MerlinWhat?

AlexLitigation? What?

MerlinWell, no, I used to work at a place that did legal support for toxic tort litigations.

AlexOh, I thought that you were literally a litigator. And as we know, lawyers are not litigators.

MerlinBackground in bird law.

AlexAll right.

MerlinDoorknob. No, no, doorknobbing. I don't know what that means for you. And I'm not sure I want to know. That used to be in the early days of breast implants. Dow Corning got in trouble because it would make your boobies all hard. I think they call that doorknobbing.

AlexOh, my God. I didn't know this. Yes. Oh. Oh, no. Oh. Oh, yikes.

MerlinNo, no, no. Oh, come on. Really? Are you looking at photos?

AlexNo, no, no. Oh, no.

MerlinI was looking at... Are you looking at rigid boobs?

AlexI, uh, in... Oh, well, now I'm looking at pictures. But the top definition on Urban Dictionary is when a doorknob is put into the vagina and turned, which I believe can totally happen. and I would find very impressive. I just wouldn't want to see it.

MerlinIt would have to be detached from the door, but that sounds like exactly the kind of thing a ninth grade boy would make up. I was totally doorknobbing this chick. It's like, really? How did you get her on the door? Did that take persuasion? No, I just have spare doorknobs in my teen room.

AlexI need a fucking break. Oh, God, Silicon Valley again. It's like Limp Bizkit. How would anybody get to that?

MerlinSometimes it's a wheat thin. Yeah. It's a wheat thin sometimes.

AlexLike if that was a thing that actually happened, who was like, you know what would be a fun idea?

MerlinI know. Ron Laflamme. Okay. You know what? I got a lot of stuff here, but we should probably get into the challenge. We can save it for the after show. Alex, where would people find the after show for Dubai Friday?

AlexOh, well, you can go to patreon.com slash Dubai Friday. And that's where if you want to give us money, which I would very much appreciate now if you've seen the Internet.

MerlinListen, seriously, let's put this let's put this Michael Hobbs shit behind us. It's a cute thing to say or not. I were seriously we're bleeding listeners. I need your money.

AlexPlease, please give us money. Merlin has a child. I have a cat and boobs I want to get rid of. uh also the eventually you know you're this hot hot content we're gonna want to be live at the show floor when the uh apple goggle google goggles drop um merlin's gonna hold a live concert um oh we want to get the 80 000 elizabeth ann seaton robot oh yeah so there's a lot of

But seriously, everybody makes the show easier to make and less stressful. And thank you so much if you are a patron. And if not, please go to you can go to giveusyourfuckingmoney.com, Joe Rogan Club or Joe Rogan podcast.club and patreon.com slash Dubai Friday.

MerlinWell done. That was a journey. Good job.

AlexIt was, you know, peaks and valleys.

Merlinlet me make sure i closed all my other threads i think we're good um oh yeah i got words i got words anyway let's um let's get to if you want to hear me talk about uh uh words you know you can

Alexhang around you know if you want to be here for that or after showing for the word yeah i'm very

Merlininterested in how that's gonna go i'll just i'll give this whole bob odenkirk thing it's a bummer but like there's so much of the language that i hate oh no used no no no no no no i don't want to talk about Bob Odenkirk, but I'm saying that because this is hugely covered right now, I'm seeing a lot of the words that I despise. You get one for free. I don't like the word hospitalized because it sounds like you're turning someone into a hospital.

If I hear the phrase rushed to the hospital one more fucking time, I'm going to lose it. Because I've been to the hospital a few times and there's no trip to the hospital that's ever not been a rush.

AlexOh my god.

MerlinThey ambled. Has anybody ever ambled to the hospital? Has anybody ever sauntered to the hospital? Has anybody ever dropped by the hospital? No way to go to the hospital, but to be rushed to the hospital. Otherwise, you wouldn't need to go to the hospital.

Save it for the show, Ash. Did you do the challenge? Did you do the challenge? It's okay if you did. No, I had a feeling you wouldn't. It's totally fine.

AlexOh, no, I did. but because you were such I think you were being kind Oh yeah, one night I sent you links

MerlinI sent you links one night, didn't I?

AlexYou did, you sent me links via email but I've been good and I

MerlinBecause it was late and I didn't want to clot your box I didn't want to like, you know and I get the D&D message from you Oh god, we've got to talk about focus I'm going to delete all of them and start over I'm losing my goddamn mind

AlexI'm going to like it when they work

MerlinWell, I'm going to like it when I say never send anything in the true, in the do not disturb style. And I actually, then my watch doesn't ding. Why is my watch dinging when I've said don't do anything? Why is it happening? What am I getting wrong? And it's on. I see the blue thing. It's on.

AlexI think it's just, I think it's just broken. That's all.

MerlinI bet there's a lot of logic. You know what I'm saying? I bet there's a lot of logic at play. Setting aside, like, is this synced and up to date with all of these? But like we talked about that direction of like, hey, it'd be fun to have one of these for every different show. You know what I mean? But now I'm going the other direction. I'm going to delete every one that I can and start over. I'm going to have one called Do Not Disturb. And if it works the way I expect, I'll try others. That's what I'm here to say.

AlexThat's what you've got to do is don't even start with the basic Do Not Disturb and work impersonal. Like the first thing I did was delete those.

MerlinStart with a totally fresh one. Yeah.

AlexI don't. because they,

Merlinit's interesting the way they seed you with some that like the either can't be deleted or have things that can't be deleted. You know what I mean? Like the sleep one obvious for obvious reasons is dependent upon health. This is not what we're here to talk about. Save it for the show.

AlexWhy are we like big on, uh, I think both of our, we, we are on the same velocity today, which is not probably not good, but there, because we have a dig dog, uh, challenge.

MerlinI had extra time. I had extra time. And so I had two cups of coffee.

AlexOh, Oh, okay. There's a lot for me.

MerlinDid you like my haircut?

AlexDid you notice that it's a handsome haircut? Yes, it is. Did you do that with your dog clippers? Cat clippers?

MerlinNo, cat clippers. No, no, I went to see my operator.

AlexJudy?

MerlinYeah, I went to Judy. I said two and a half on the sides, flat top on top.

AlexOh my gosh, you've reunited.

MerlinAnd then I cut off the comedy biker beard.

AlexOh, I'm so happy. Well, it'll be fun while it lasts.

MerlinI love my haircut. I feel like a mouse in the back. I have very soft hair. I don't know if you know. I have very soft, fine hair. And in the back, I feel like a mouse right now. Like I'm doing it right now. Oh, it feels so good. Wish you guys could touch my hair.

AlexIt genuinely, I hate, hate, hate getting haircuts, but I love how it feels afterwards.

MerlinI used to go to a guy that would give you a massage with one of those creepy Swedish hand massagers. I used to go to an old school barber. You know what I'm talking about? Yes. Like those old school, like a doctor would use on a woman who had quote unquote hysteria. He puts that on his hand and then he would massage me. His name was Joey and I loved him very much.

AlexOh, gosh. I miss those.

MerlinHe was right next to my cigar shop, too. I'd go downtown. I could go to my favorite block in San Francisco.

AlexDid you smoke cigars? Okay, moving on.

MerlinYou know, it's like smoking five macanudos. No, I – you haven't watched it. I think you should leave. You should watch that. So the point being – and then Stacey's bookstore closed. That bummed me out. My cigar shop understandably left. Joey moved to a different area. so what am I talking about here I'm talking about market between Montgomery and Sutter maybe but everybody knows where Stacy's bookstore used to be first bookstore I ever went to in San Francisco

Alexthat makes me really sad

Merlinthree stories plus a basement not including the mezzanine yeah exactly

Alexafter Powell's that's like the second bookstore I knew was like a famous bookstore

MerlinI used to go to my when I was trying to write my ill-fated book because I thought you know I would try different locations I'm typing. I do everything but work. But I would go to the cigar store and I'd type there. I used to hang out with a rabbi there who was really interesting. He was a very interesting guy. He might have been an ex-rabbi, but he was super interesting and a talker. And so sometimes I'd close my laptop and we would just hang out and talk. And he would tell me things about Judaism. So I've written songs and stuff based on this guy. It's very interesting.

AlexOh, my God. I have so many. Oh, well, let's do the – see? You know what we're doing? we're giving all of this away for free what what you doing go to do by friday dot uh wait patreon.com slash do by friday if you want to hear more about the rabbi songs because oh my goodness rabbi songs oh god uh and and your links here are very good i i i read the same thing the the knolling i didn't know what knolling was anyway this week's challenge it reminded me of knolling

MerlinIt reminds me of Colette. It reminds me of Noling. Yes, yes.

AlexWell, this week's – welcome to Dubai Friday. This week's challenge was learn something from – I thought I could do it.

MerlinI think I want to call it – it doesn't have a verb. I normally try to add a verb. I have a style guide, and you and I disagree on the style guide. And then you go off on your own sometimes, and then you do the thing, and then it doesn't match what I was going to put for the other thing. And that hurts my style guide.

AlexWell, that's why I am happy to use your style guide, but where does it live? We do not have a set style guide.

MerlinI'll put it on my GitHub. I'll put it on my GitHub.

AlexI finally have a GitHub account. I was dragged into it.

MerlinOh, that's interesting. I'm going to start putting more of my stuff up there. I got my Twitter bios up there. I'm going to start putting up my words I hate list. Excuse me, words I dislike.

AlexOh!

MerlinAnd I got to update my Twitter bios. I got some bangers. It lacks a verb, but I'm going to say that this week's challenge, colon, space, lessons from teppanyaki videos.

AlexAnd what is teppanyaki?

MerlinTeppanyaki is a style of cooking that has its roots in Japanese food and culture, but it's a pretty Japanese-American. As they say in some of these things, it's really kind of more for the American palate. But the four-syllable explanation is Benihana. If you've ever been to Benihana, that's what we're talking about. Now, you know, I'm not going to go too long on this because nobody cares but me. But I do care. But Benihana is fun because it's event dining.

It's legit fun. But, you know, it's event dining. They're throwing eggs around. They're doing the taka taka taka thing. They're very, like, would you go to Benihana if it was just a meal without somebody shucking and jiving? Well, that's the fun. The performance of doing the tricks and the rice and the onion volcano and all that. I'm sorry if all of this sounds like Esperanto. These are all things that happen at Benihana, and it's fun. But teppanyaki is also like a pretty legit style of cooking that is also popular in Japan.

And the teppan, you can go look it up. It basically means like, you know, hot thing for cooking. But teppanyaki is a thing where you go and you sit at the equivalent of like a bar, and there's this very hot surface in front of you. that you really don't want to touch. And then a person comes up and you order your meal and they come up and they cook the food in front of you on this very, very hot sort of griddle. In a nutshell, that's what it is.

Does that mostly explain what it is?

AlexYeah, because my explanation was going to be Benihana and the independent restaurant Domo 77 where people who went to St. Francis High School decided to go to before prom.

MerlinYeah, exactly. That's where you find out you got a shrimp allergy. Wrong night to try shrimp. That happened to my friend Chris. Oh, that's so bad. His date did not learn she was allergic to shrimp until they left the restaurant and were on the way to the dance.

AlexOh, gosh.

MerlinYeah, that sucks. Apparently, her face got very, very puffy.

AlexOh, goodness.

MerlinBut that's a good look. You know, you're glowing.

AlexYeah.

MerlinIf it were medically possible, I'd say you're pregnant.

AlexOh.

MerlinWould you like an app that can...

AlexAnd then he's at the show. He's pitching me out.

MerlinAnd if that's too embarrassing, you can get a suppository. Remember that? I love Andy Paley so much.

AlexOh, I heard it. He heard my head down. Lori is pregnant, too.

MerlinSo here's the funny thing. And you know what? I'll be quick about this.

AlexNo, no, no, no.

MerlinWait, who's texting me? Who's texting me? Oh, my God, it's my family. What's going on? So we get a notice in the mail last week or a week before. It's like, oh, hey, everybody. By the way, you know, we're replacing a Transformer. So Wednesday morning, we're turning off the power for four hours. It's like, ah, really? But no, it actually was quicker than that. But it might be something related to that. So here's the thing. There are these sorts of videos. And I'm trying to like, we talked about this here, I think.

AlexYeah, in passing.

MerlinLike trying to come up with what the name of this kind of thing is. And I found myself saying erroneously, it's like ASMR. But it's already, it's like saying on acid. Oh, it's like the Jetsons on acid. I'm like, stop, come up with something new. But like ASMR, I think has a specific meaning, which is it's definitely not about sex. There are ladies out there buying heads that have microphones in the ears because it's definitely not about sex. Anyways, I say I'm saying here what I wrote down in my outline is that it's somewhere between ASMR,

knolling and what friend of the show, Matt Howey, describes as competency porn. So there's certain kinds of videos that I would include things like we talked about this, the pressure washing videos carpet cleaning videos car detailing lock picking lawyer like what do these have in common um for me there's something strangely comforting about them they're usually relatively short videos or you like you and your sand cutting videos wouldn't that be kind of a version yeah that's quite closer to asmr yeah but the i like the repetitiveness i

like the like i mean like even though this guy so this this guy that i favor if you want to check out teppanyaki videos i would suggest uh aiden films one word a-d-e-n films is the user on youtube and uh he basically goes i think he it's hard to tell because one of the things i love is there's a minimum of talking i like videos you still hear everything that's happening and you can hear other diners but like the most you'll usually hear him say is medium rare yeah yeah

AlexYeah.

MerlinI want to say he might be, I want to guess maybe Australian or he sounds or I don't know if he's Dutch, but like there's a slight accent. He sounds like a native English speaker. But he goes in there and he just sits down. You see the menu. You see them pour his beer. Like you see the person cooking and he just tapes it.

AlexAnd you can tell that he has an Android phone because the microphone follows the sound. It has that automatic Samsung thing.

MerlinAh, interesting. I thought it was a GoPro because he does those big jumps, 2X jumps. I don't know.

AlexI only, I think I watched like four or five. So I.

MerlinDid you watch Olive Wagyu? Did you watch that one?

AlexYep.

MerlinI did. Did you get upset? Did you get upset at the garlic part because a couple of them were a little burnt?

AlexNo, I found that I hated these videos so much, but not because of. It was all very fun and soothing. I don't know why. Maybe I am pregnant, but I every like the meat stuff too much, too much. I was like, oh, maybe it's because I've been reading about the Donner party too much.

MerlinI don't know. Don't watch the lobster ones. It's very important you not watch the lobster. Yeah, no. Or the giant shrimp. Oh, yeah. Shrimp are like kittens. They're just like wriggling around.

AlexNo, no, no. They're all so smart.

MerlinI'll go through this really fast, but just just to provide some context for this, for folks who are new listeners. Hello. Is that I don't know how I discovered these, but I've been very attracted to them. It's been fun to discover. I think I mentioned my downstairs neighbor, the family downstairs, we found out that like we were talking about something and I mentioned something in passing. Oh, you know what it was? There was a truck out front. I was like, hey, what's going on? She's like, oh, we're having our couch cleaned. And I was like, oh, that's cool. I was like, you know, I actually have to admit, like I kind of like YouTube videos where people clean things. And she's like, oh, you mean like pressure cleaning videos and like car detailing videos?

And I was like, oh, my God, yes. One of us. And, you know, I guess this is a common enough thing that I could say, like the Polish carpet cleaner who breakdances at the end of the video and people know what I mean.

AlexYes. I don't know the breakdancer. Oh, I. Yes. Yes.

MerlinAnyway, the point is that there is something fun and repetitive about it. Give another example of kinds of these things, these kinds of things that you like. What are because I know you're a weirdo.

AlexOh, yeah.

MerlinYou must watch things like the sand cutting or, you know, like the Japanese guy who makes tiny food in a dollhouse. Like what's an example of one of these weirdo videos?

AlexYeah, because it's hard to explain that I don't like this specific type of video because it's like someone – food for me is like someone speaking in a different language or like reading a poem in a different language. Even if I kind of knew –

MerlinIt would be like watching somebody work at it for you. it's almost like watching somebody um um work in the at the cash register of a gas station right where it's like well this is how the fuel gets in i guess but like i'm not sure i need to

Alexwatch 60 of these well and yeah yeah but and it's like i don't you're not a food person you don't love food well and i i can't i also i can't appreciate too much meat too much too much meat um but i i think that i lean more towards competency porn because i was often fell victim to productivity porn as a youth and i really like when people do note taking and make graphs in

like now it's a big thing to look at people's graphs in obsidian and like watch them bounce around because it's oh really okay yeah and it's uh like it they're not really presented as you will actually be productive and learn about productivity through these things it's like look at this no of

Merlincourse not it's like when we did that bullshit bullet journal thing watching those it's like oh this is very pleasant and definitely not work yeah yeah if this is fun if it's fun enjoy it but this

Alexis very silly yeah and i mean their uh sand cutting has become a bit out of fashion i think in asmr stuff but have you seen the phenomenon phenomena uh i can't do it without the puppets uh it's a big trend on tiktok and twitch of people doing like tricks with either water bottles or ping pong balls just constructing gigantic obstacle courses and doing trick moves those

I find soothing because it's almost like I don't get a rush or I don't know. I haven't gambled enough to get a rush. But when that ball finally goes in the hole, like, I mean.

MerlinOh, yeah. I know what you mean.

AlexOh, man. But, yeah. I am interested, though, because, like, watching people take notes and watching someone move, oh, lawn, mowing lawns too, like when you get those lions.

MerlinFor some reason, I thought you were going to say moving lawn furniture. Well, I mean. And I thought of that guy Max brought to us. The lawn chair review guy.

AlexYeah.

MerlinWhich I'm still like the samurai sword guy. I have so much trouble believing that's real.

AlexI don't think it's real. It's a limp biscuit situation, I think.

MerlinOr a wheat thin. Well, you know what? Actually, let's let's go through this and I'll keep I can keep this pretty short. I mean, I do really like steak and these videos do make me hungry. So I don't want to go on about this.

AlexThat was my question. Is it like do you enjoy? Is it like I would like to enjoy this food or are you impressed by the craftsmanship? I don't know.

MerlinI have so many bullets here and it feels silly to even talk about this. but I prepared for this challenge more than almost any other challenge. Well, no, no, I want to keep it short. And, um,

it's hard to describe. So if y'all go, I'll go and watch a bunch of these videos and then come back to do. Hello. Um, things I love about this. Uh, well, first of all, I'm, I mean, there's, there's some similar, one of the things that was most bewildering to me in the last few days is, um, which shouldn't be because the internet's weird. Google's weird, But I do – if you watch enough of these, you start to notice some similarities and some patterns, which is not surprising. Like if you go to McDonald's at different places, you're going to notice similarities and patterns. Well, I can explain why that is at McDonald's because there's training, quality, service, and value, QSV.

And now I think cleanliness also has been added, but I'm not sure. It's been a while. I don't read the trades. But there are these similarities that cannot be a coincidence. So, yeah, there's the similarity of like, oh, yeah, this is the funny bit where they throw the shrimp in the hat. That's bullshit. I don't care for those kinds. I appreciate the acrobatic artistry of people doing it. I'm not here for the flashy stuff. I'm here for the process, the way that food is prepared. and the way that like in other similarities like i you know it's pretty like it'll generally start

out they'll give you some kind of a soup there's stuff like that but like you know the big part is mainly they're cooking a steak or they're cooking seafood uh there's certain kinds of vegetables you see you know used and reused a certain way they cut mushrooms caps that i've never seen before um so i mean like there's all that stuff but i had so much trouble googling for in different ways around the phrase principles of teppanyaki or philosophy of teppanyaki. Same. Because I do feel like there's a, well, I feel like obviously there's training in like how

to use a knife and how to use, some people use, you almost always use two different, we've got an implement in each hand. Sometimes it's two of these little spatulas. Sometimes it's a spatula and a fork, like a long fork. You know what I mean? Like it varies from person to person, but that's obviously a big point. The way you put olive oil or, or, you know, whatever their oil is or soy sauce, the way you like pour it onto the spatula and like distribute it. Like there's all these different similarities, but, and I'm interested in all of that stuff,

but it's the, it's the, the thing I spent all this time writing down is like what I would call what I want to learn about, which is the, the, the process, the philosophy,

Alexthe just approach like okay can i go through a few of these okay i i cannot emphasize this enough i wanted to do this challenge because i i wanted to hear merlin talk for a long time about this

Merlinjokes jokes have left the room as you said no no i this is a terrible challenge i just i no no it

AlexIt is so, okay, we all, not, most people look at knolling photographs all the time, including me. So I want to hear about your version of that. Tuck it. Go, go off.

MerlinOkay, all right. I'll get, let me do a few of these. Okay, so the person comes up, usually the chef, and there's a real minimum of extraneous everything. It's, you know, I'm avoiding the M word because I despise it. but it's not minimal, but like it is very austere, kind of mostly kind of dignified and formal. Your chef comes up and they do the thing. And like I say, the extent of conversation you need to have with your chef, if it's not Beniana, is like, how do you want your steak prepared?

That's pretty much it. When they arrive, the order is already there. It's a very Disney World sort of like, you know, process. But some just along the way, before we get to the two specific stuff, something we talked about on here. And the reason Colette is in that, in our doc, is that this is a sense of mise en place. This idea of like when you arrive, first of all, everything's very, looks, looks, looks great. The griddle is very clean. You show up. And usually what happens, the chef comes out and kind of greets you, you know, but now there's a waitstaff that's doing all of your like mostly delivering your things like your drinks.

The chef might prepare a soup on the spot for you. All very minimal communication, which is kind of cool. But then everything they do that the chef does has a purposefulness and sort of intentionality to it. There's not a lot of extraneous anything. And I feel like that's one of the principles or one of the part of the philosophy is this like minimal waste, minimal bullshit, like minimal seasoning, minimal ingredients.

Right. so like and they don't fucking play with the food like men in america do like men in america love to keep jabbing in a fucking steak like you know like they're worried if it's dead yet and yeah there's some there's some but every move for somebody who's really good at this every move is is so elegant and and i'm jumping ahead a little bit here but like when i say no waste like for example if you get like i don't know if you ever had wagyu beef but it's really costly um but regardless of okay Here's a big one. Here's a really big one. Minimizing waste. A combination of minimizing waste and treating every single thing they cook like it's the most important ingredient, even if that's one sliver of garlic.

Everything – and they don't make a big show about it. But like everything that – every little single thing that they make, the way they beat an egg, the way they pour it, the way that they take the rice to add to the egg to make your fried rice, everything seems so purposeful and, you know, it's just moving in a direction. And the fact that so many people have the same sort of assured velocity in how they do this, I think is really cool. Minimize waste. Okay, so, and this is, and I've got, I've learned so many actual cooking things from this.

Like, for example, you know, something a lot of people know that it's very good to know is if you are preparing beef, if you're making steak, you know, the only fat that really matters is the fat that's in the marbling, right? that's in the like, but like a big chunk of fat on your steak is like, that's no bargain. Like if you buy a nice piece of meat, it's got a big chunk of fat on it. Guess what? You can just cut that off because a little bit of fat on the edge is good. A lot of fat, not great. But in any case, when you get your, your steak and it's usually beautifully presented on a plate, there might be

like a leaf under it. It looks great. They show it to you. And, but when they prepare it, one of the first things the chef does is to like, like finalize the cut of beef. And that includes doing stuff like cutting off unnecessary fat, trimming things away. And so you get this beautiful, like kind of canonical idea of whatever that cut of beef is, it just looks gorgeous. But does he grab that beef and throw it in a big trash can? No, and no, and no. That he very carefully, and it is almost always a guy, sometimes not, but the chef cuts off that, the edges of that

It cuts off the kind of like tiny little weird piece at the end, the little tail. But not only do they not throw it away, he'll cut that up into small slices sometimes and prepare it separately. He's not going to throw that away. That still gets used. Sometimes the fat is used because a lot of people don't know when you're cooking a steak, one of the best oils you can use for cooking steak is steak. The fat from a steak actually is a really good oil. I use canola oil, but you know, that works too. But he doesn't throw it away. He cuts it up in little tiny slices, almost like bacon bits, and then is going to prepare that.

In this area, the center part of the teppanyaki grill is the hottest part. The big part was a little bit of a colorful brownish spot. And then the edges, the further you go out, it gets less hot. So you can have different things working. You could start the scallops over here, and then they get moved aside. But all of this has to be timed, and it just looks like there's no effort involved. But let's go back to the steak. Is that wasted? Well, no. There's going to be a little bit of oil poured on there. And then the steak is placed on the griddle.

And then there's exactly two seasonings that are used on almost every one of these dishes. Some dishes also get things like soy sauce. You know, at the very end, soy sauce gets added to fried rice. But you know what the two are? Freshly cracked salt, freshly cracked pepper. once. You apply, we put it on the grill very carefully in this beautiful way. Sorry, I'm going on. Crack the salt, crack the pepper, and then you don't play with it. It sits there and it cooks. And maybe you're working on other things. You might turn it a little bit, but then almost every

single one of them, this is where I'm so perplexed about learning how this is taught. They take the spatulas and will scrape aside in a beautiful way. They'll clean up the grill while the steak is cooking. So you kind of like scrape away this oil and in this beautiful gesture, you pick it up with just these flat spatulas and put it into this little mystery hole where any waste you do have goes. And sometimes you'll take a little bit of that oil and put it on top as a kind of like a little like a like a baste or a marinade or whatever. Some places they put a little like

brass hat over it so it can steam depending on the food. But in any case, that's all you do. You're not playing with it. You're cooking it. That's steak now. It's cooking. And then when it's time to turn it, there's just this beautiful gesture of like, they'll kind of tap it a little bit just to see how done it feels. Not with their fingers, but with the spatula. And then there's this beautiful way of like turning the steak over. Guess what? Other side, salt and pepper. That's it. That's the seasoning. The seasoning they use on everything is pretty much salt and pepper. Now, on the one hand, like I said, you add soy sauce for rice, but salt and pepper not only

is pretty much the only seasoning on everything, but it does go on almost everything, including things that will get soy sauce. So this could be beef. This could be chicken. Sometimes you'll see, like, you know, it depends on how many people they're cooking for. This could be all kinds of different proteins. Certainly things like tofu. There's almost always some kind of a vegetable component. But now let's get to this next. Does this make sense so far?

AlexNo. I will quit this podcast if you don't stop feeling bad about

Merlinthis. I don't know why. I don't know. I think you feel bad about being late and now you're being too nice to me. Oh, no. This is tedious. This is incredibly tedious. I'm describing something nobody's seen. It sounds mental.

AlexNo, it doesn't. It doesn't. Because what you are describing is basically a performance or what I saw in a good way as a performance, which is why I kept trying to find out, like, is this a style guide? Is there a style guide? Yeah.

MerlinYeah. Or like, what's the name of the class that you take for this? Or what is the book that you read about this? And there's a lot of ching-chong bing-bong out there about, oh, principles you must know about Japanese culture. It's like, no, that's not really it.

AlexYeah, there wasn't anything I could find that wasn't vaguely racist.

MerlinYeah, exactly. Well, I'm glad that interested you. But then there is this sort of very ineffable, difficult to describe. But like I said, there's a minimum of waste. But then there's also – and there is like mise en place.

AlexBut is that part of the performance or the cooking? Which is – that's – I'm like, ooh.

MerlinWhich part?

AlexI don't know. the minimum amount of waste.

MerlinOh, oh, oh, like, are you like, like, who tells you don't fuck around with the food and throw it, throw it and like, don't, don't like, don't throw it in a big trash can, like do it in this way. Everything is very dignified and very, and but like, do they need to keep cleaning as they go? And do they need to keep wiping off the spatula in exactly the same way between two white towels? Do they need to keep doing that? I don't know. Somebody trained them to do that. And I think it's really cool and satisfying. And this one's a little bit complicated, but these are related things.

Everything a good chef, everything that they're cooking, there's no glop of food. There's no big pile of food that they're making. When these guys saute garlic on the grill, often it's the first thing they start. And they're sauteing garlic on the grill. They're not throwing a bunch of jarred or frozen garlic on there with a big pat of butter. They've sliced up this garlic, and they're cooking the garlic one slice at a time, examining each slice. And then as it's about to get to the right level of brown, they move it to the side, to the less hot part of the grill.

If one gets too burnt, they pick it up in a very dignified way, say thank you for your service, and put it in the food hole. But again, it's just every single piece is important. Now, unlike America, where you go to like a fucking claim jumpers and they just bring a big back loader of food and dump it on your plate. Try the pie. We'll give you six pies. I think of that when Patton Oswalt talks about how Black Angus steaks. It's very confrontational.

AlexAnd like. Listen, they're tendies. It's so good.

MerlinYou're going to get our delicious potato bombs. Oh, you're going to get a salad. All right. Strap it on, Peggy Sue or whatever. But in this case, like, no, you know what you get? Like, you don't get a giant, like, glop of food. This isn't like what you'd get at a buffet. Like, each one of you gets one mushroom cap. Each one of you gets one zucchini piece. Each one of you gets, like, usually, right? It's not like a thing where they just, like, put a big spoon into a common bowl and dump it on your plate. He's cooking a mushroom cap for you.

And each piece is treated like it's extremely important. There's a lot I like about that. Combine that with the minimizing waste. Now, the next one of these, which is very difficult to explain, is something I can only describe as maintaining the integrity of the food, right? So like in America, if you think about making stir fry, for example, and like I said, they've got things like fried rice where it ends up getting mixed. The way fried rice gets mixed is just beautiful to watch. The way it's more like folding versus like mixing, it's just gorgeous to watch.

but like i i don't know i i hate to slag my own country but like there's a lot of places where it's like oh here's your glop do you want do you want more iced tea but and so for example though when i say maintain the integrity of the food your food always looks like food um so and sometimes it's pretty macabre when you get into like lobster well like when they cut so like you get the steak they've trimmed it up it looks beautiful now there's all kinds of stuff again i wish i understood the training. You don't slice it up into cubes and then throw it on the grill. You cook the steak

most of the way to the way the person wants. And then at some point, this varies, but it's this variation that I am obsessed with. So the steak's just about done, you're pretty sure. Almost all of them will do this one thing that I love, which is you take that steak, in this case, you bisect it right down the middle with one beautiful slice. And then they'll turn it with the spatulas so that the side that's been exposed by being cut is now on the grill. And they'll finish all the sides that way. So it's seared, gets a sear on all the sides. And then at some point, and this varies,

but at some point they will then, in the most beautiful, but then they'll put it back down. And now it makes a steak again. Imagine a steak being like puzzle pieces, but it like still looks like a steak. And then they'll cut it into different pieces. And it varies, but it's got to be chopstick sized. They might cut it into six, eight, 12 pieces, but then they kind of form it back together so that it looks like the steak they started with. And then when they serve it to you, when it's time to be served, they use the spatulas to pick up your portion of steak, still looking

like a steak, and beautifully putting it onto the plate. They'll usually turn one piece so that you can see the inside. They've also at this point given you things like soy sauce, wasabi, salt, all in little tiny dishes on the side. And then finally, when they're ready to give you your plate, long story short, they pick it up, they hold it kind of up in the air, not pretentiously, they turn it 180 degrees toward you and set it down and make kind of a gesture. It's gorgeous. It's absolutely gorgeous.

AlexIt feels like a very dignified presentation.

MerlinYes, absolutely. Yeah. But everything's special. Everything is deliberate. Everything is purposeful. That's most of the big stuff. I got a lot more, but that's pretty good to start. but it's not for everybody but I think you can find videos like this that you would enjoy I do like some Aiden films will sometimes do these ones that are like street food where you go out and just go to see different street food in Asia which is really quite a scene sometimes but I don't know

I do think when we talk about competency porn I think it's really enjoyable to watch somebody who's good at their job especially if it's something that you find difficult or hard to understand, but maybe even more so, I guess, watching somebody who's good at your job that you do understand. Like me watching somebody who plays melodic, beautiful, technically brilliant guitar in a way that makes great music, like I know enough to know that not only that that is difficult, but more importantly, I'm thoroughly entertained by watching this thing that I theoretically know how to do.

But I just, I really enjoy it.

AlexI think I focused more on why, because there were parts of this that I did enjoy. It was truly just a diversion to the meat parts, so I would kind of skip around.

MerlinSometimes you need a break from Silicon Valley, right? Got to have a Silicon Valley break.

AlexWell, I would just kind of fast forward, but yeah, it is almost like sand cutting. But I'm like, why are these so appealing? And you can't really, like, there's really, we don't know why. There's a bunch of pop culture or, you know, pop science and psychology type things. But it's like, am I aspiring to be this good at something when I'm watching?

MerlinLike, competency porn? Or is the repetition soothing?

AlexOr is it like the way that we think cute animals should be protected? because it's just in our brains. I don't know. I think it's interesting and weird. Not weird to like or watch them. I think everyone has a version of this.

MerlinOh, that's really the bigger point because this extends for sure. It extends to the detail geek, the Canadian car detailing guy, which, you know, his repetition is so repetitious. There's so much, not repetition, but you know what I mean? Like he always does things in the same order. he says the same things. I've said this about the lockpicking lawyer. Regardless of whatever, it could be the lockpicking lawyer just doing a 30-second, like, slashing open a slash-proof bag. I bought that knife because I really like it.

AlexOh!

MerlinOh, shit dog. That's the one. No, dude, this is...

AlexBe careful.

MerlinOh, no, no. I've already stabbed myself. This is the best knife I've ever, ever, ever owned.

AlexOh, that's hyper-age.

MerlinBut anyway, no matter what, it's always the same way. Like I said, it always ends with him saying, Okay, folks, this is blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. In any case, that's all I have for you today. In any case, you know, blah, blah, blah, and have a good day. He always says exactly the same thing, and I find that comforting.

And like I said, there's versions of this with, there's all kinds of versions of things like this, but this one is mine. And finally, perhaps, I have actually gleaned what I would consider to be some pretty good, just from observation, picked up a few good things in how I cook. I've seen some. I think they kind of do this in the olive wagyu video, but there's ones where like I've really thought about this, where you cook the steak or whatever, but especially a steak most of the way to how you want. And they can choose at any point to plop that down in front of you. And sometimes these chefs take their sweet fucking time finishing everything and the food's just sitting there on the plate while they're – and I'm like, oh, my God, I would lose my mind.

But I have seen ones where they will prepare the steak 80%, 90% of the way, cut off that half, cube it up, and give it to you, and then wait until you're partway through eating that before they give you the next part. I love stuff like that. I love stuff like that. What was the final thing that I was going to say about this?

Something with – oh, and there's other versions. There's a really cool – I think I said to the one with the – yes, I know I did because I said I wish a woman would cook meat for me at my table. There's like hibachi ones where people will come and like do hibachi. But that one's great. You probably didn't watch that one, but where she makes a fire with, like, this wood charcoal at your table. Like, the whole thing is so, like, kind of meditative. Anyway, oh, yeah, so other things I learned. Use more salt than you think. But salt at the right time.

That's important. Use more salt than you think. You can use more pepper than you think. Do things, like I say, like working clean. Like, you know, keeping your, as Colette would say, you know, keep your area clean. That searing on all sides of a protein makes such a difference. Like most people think, oh, you cook a hamburger. It's this side and then the other side. Well, if we're making tofu, I've stopped trying to treat it like a pan of tofu and more like whatever, 30 cubes of tofu.

It changes the way you think about the food when you think of it not as a glop, but as like separate things. Like rice, as Dr. Katz says, you know, you're cooking a rice. It's a rice that you're cooking. In this case, you're cooking however many N number of cubes of tofu. Act like you care. Sear it a little bit on all the sides. Learn what parts are hot, right? Don't feel like you have to play with it, break it into pieces and dump all kinds of shit on there.

Alexanyway i as you're talking about this i'm actually thinking about you know what they they also look very maybe not calm but but stoic a lot of the time yeah yeah yeah what's happening

Merlinwhat actually it's pronounced flacket no how does risha pronounce it um no i was gonna say placid

Alexdo you love his attorney i love his attorney

Merlinron laflam not ron laflam i love ron laflam too talk about the the the guy who uh in jail in the car wash you know that he celebrated and he had some kombucha which he was not told had alcohol in it and he ended up striking a police horse he struck a police horse with a shovel as other charges a crew.

I love the court scene. It's such bullshit, but it's so funny. The expression on Gavin Belson's face when he thought he's won, and the judge calls that, and he goes, ah! He turns over, and he just has this expression on his face, like, ah! It's like, no, you're about to get crushed, and half of your employee agreements aren't good. Love that lawyer. Lawyers are funny.

AlexLabor laws.

MerlinPlacid.

AlexJust gotta watch. Well, I was flaccid after this. Real quick, watch the video I sent you.

MerlinToo much meat.

AlexNo.

MerlinOh, I love this. I've seen this one. I love this one.

AlexI loved it until some certain part.

MerlinOh, did you get to the lobster in this one?

AlexNo, no. Just watch it. I'm so angry. I'm so angry.

MerlinOkay. So what Alexandra sent me, and I watched this with my family just last week because even my wife thought this was kind of cool. So it's a guy making a crepe and has this beautiful technique for making this crepe. Gorgeous. Maybe I didn't watch it in the end.

Alexit's hypnotizing it's beautiful well okay there's strawberries strawberries i'm happy so far

Merlinand you turn it okay oh yeah my kid even liked this oh it's beautiful it is okay and then you make it like an ice cream cone and stick it in the paper i'm scrubbing what do you not like about it

Alexbut but no he turns the camera away at the best part with the flipping because i love watching

Merlinpeople oh oh no no you never say oh sorry i should mention you never in this guy's videos you never see food being eaten or you never hear food being eaten no i'm not talking about that

Alexoh what's the best part then what's the best part the the part where she folds i don't know i was too angry that the camera panned away when the crepe is folded because that's part of oh the

Merlinmost important i see what you're saying she full oh no he got distracted and now he's looking at other diners i was oh no now what does todd call that is that a kansas hop what's that called

Alexi just called it a crib block what's a kansas i don't i don't even want to look at it i made i

Merlinmade i made this and i was not going to send this to you but it's not even going to be that funny but i'm going to send this to you now because we're almost done i need a ding to get us out i'll put this in notes too somehow there's another one of these channels that i watch sometimes and i you know it's funny because you'll see these like piggyback ish i don't even you don't know who created this kind of thing. I do know there's a lot of people who sound like CGP Grey, for example. I know there's a lot of people who sound like Wendover Productions. I don't know who started it, but I know there's something that's being copied. Anyhow, there's this one guy who really specializes in street food.

And it's pretty good. Like Aiden Films, as you see, does some. I forget what this guy's name is, but he has a bit. And his bit, he and his partner, his girlfriend or whomever, like go out and like you watch the food being made. They made your fried rice. And it's really good. They put it in the container, whatever it is, whatever food it is. But I feel like this guy's bit. I'm going to go ahead and send this and you can click it when you're ready.

Hang on just a second. Okay. But they get the food. You watch the food. But then his money shot is then his girlfriend holds up the container. Don't click it yet. Girlfriend holds up the container so you can see it. And then using chopsticks or fingers or whatever, she grabs some food and she takes a bite. And she always makes, does exactly the same thing. And I've impersonated it for you here in this video. I'm so nervous. It's okay. It's very, very, very short.

But I want you to imagine that ramekin full of pocket knives, two-factor devices, and a fidget cube. imagine that that's some fried rice and that the pen is some chopsticks and then please click to watch the video and this is what happens in every single video the thumbnail looks like a youtube

Alexthumbnail where your eyes are big and there should be some big text next to you like oh you'll never

Merlinguess what oh okay playing it's not you're really you're really kind of killing the bit it's not that funny i just want you to see this face because if you ever watch this guy's videos you're going to know this face.

AlexOh, God. Oh, no. No. It is that.

MerlinI think it must be somebody's special thing that she's very excited about the food and nods vigorously with her mouth full. She goes,

AlexYou lost like $20 by sending this to me. You could have uploaded that to OnlyFans. What are you doing here?

MerlinOnlyFans. Oh, I don't like it. I don't like it. See, I would do an OnlyFans. I mean, I would jerk it to steak cooking, like whatever. I just want to put like it's the comments. If you weren't allowed to comment, I would do it. You know what I'm saying? Maybe get a moderator. Do it sexier. Come on the log, you dirty boy. Dirty boy. Act like you enjoy the rice. Ha ha ha ha. I am your mom. What? Why is my mom here?

Thank you.

250. All the Anxiety Holes

Show notes

Transcript

250. All the Anxiety Holes

Show notes

Transcript

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