249. Boxing with a Ghost

MerlinHey friends, it's your old pal Merlin here. I just want to give you a heads up. This episode of Do By Friday includes discussion of dysphoria, dysmorphia, self-harm, and suicide. So if you think the episode might bum you out or you're not in a good place to listen to it right now, you know, you might want to skip it, come back later. I just want to give you a heads up. And, you know, spoiler alert, you know, Alexandra's fine and no one is in trouble. So, you know, on with the merriment. We love you.

AlexThis is Dubai Friday, a weekly challenge podcast with Merlin Mann and Alex Cox. This week's challenge, harness your horses.

Hello, hello, hello.

MerlinHello.

AlexHello, hello. How are you? Oh, oh, I'm in the dock. Oh, you prepared so much.

MerlinDid I?

AlexYes. Well, you know what? That was a bad assumption for me to make. I apologize.

MerlinNo.

AlexYou did a lot of pasting, I think.

MerlinHello? Good morning. Hello?

AlexHello? Hello? Good morning. Good morning. How are you? Velocity. Good morning. Velocity.

MerlinWebster's defines velocity.

AlexOh, do you? I still just sometimes hear viscosity and I'm like, oh.

MerlinViscosity, I first heard, as a word, I first heard it used in a TV commercial, I want to say for pens oil some kind of um motor oil so viscosity is like how slippery something is

Alexoh i thought it was like how this speed or it like i i thought it was like the speed at which something dripped uh what am i and are you talking about like that like the pond like the tar in the

Merlincave that kind of thing am i thinking of play-doh what am i thinking of but i don't know the state

Alexbeing thick, sticky, and semi-fluid in consistency due to internal friction. Basically, I'm talking about I think about cum a lot of times when someone says velocity. That's external friction, usually. Well, I mean, to each their own. They call it a fifi bag. Did you know that? You know you can make a masturbator out of a milk carton? I mean, can't you make almost anything into a

Merlinmasturbator if you really try if you're hungry enough everything's food yeah but like if you've enjoyed your your prison prison toilet wine you're right unwind a little bit yeah um how you doing

Alexoh i mean should we get should we get into it do you want oh goodness hold on i'm great

Merlinyou want to bring people up to up to speed bring me up to speed i said this to my family first of my family says uh uh my wife and i were corrected on your pronouns twice this morning in two minutes you know what i realized today i realized that my problem with with they it's so deep set in my

Alexbrain as a part-time english major i used to be that person who was like it just doesn't sound

Merlinright grammatically well it does it doesn't it doesn't and sometimes i i code switch and if i want to actually tell an anecdote to my to my wife alone in the room sometimes i code switch and i say i say listen i'm gonna i'm gonna you know it's important to call people what they want but just just so I can say this as a paragraph, I'm going to use the old words. Mm-hmm, mm-hmm, yeah. But just because sometimes, because you know what I realized, though, I realized it's a little bit like the way British people drop the article on things like hospital and university.

AlexAnd then they add an S to something.

MerlinWhat, like maths? Mm-hmm, mm-hmm. That makes sense. That's just short for mathematics. I think that kind of makes sense.

AlexMm-hmm, mm-hmm, all right, all right.

MerlinBut it's like, you know, it's like you're when you have to stop and maybe this is the point when you have to stop to think about the words that you're saying like i'm doing right now it's like trying to eat while you talk about your tongue like it's just not it's not a great idea you know what i mean but uh first of all i bring greetings to you from the the other two uh humanoids uh in my house and they say hello and I said, Madeline said, how's she doing?

And before the phrase could get out, Emma, not looking up from her phone, just intones, they.

AlexThey.

MerlinThey. Because she has a lot of days in her life.

AlexI mean, I assume.

MerlinSeveral of her extremely good peers are they also.

AlexSo I there there's a bit of a moral panic around the day them, which I just.

MerlinOh, say that for the show. Yeah. Oh, say that. They kids. They kids. But the point being, I said, I don't know. I said, and here's the thing. I said, I'm trying. I'm trying to be the Alex in the world that I'd like to change. I want I'm not. I admonished our listeners lovingly with with so much affection. I said, hey, look, when Alexandra is on there, brain break, let's – we're telling you right now, we're putting a stake in the ground, that there may be times when, you know, just whatever.

You know, it's brain break time. And we may not have an episode sometimes and things like that, right? And I said, please, let's – unless Alex says otherwise, let's give Alex some room, you know, and don't make me the penis lawyer. And so anyway, and I said, I don't know. I'm going to find out. I said, but I want it to be the change. So I did not intone you and your family to get updates. But, you know, do you want to bring us up to speed?

AlexSure. First, I want to say that I tweeted and I asked, hey, people are asking me where the episode is last week. Hey, if you're here the first time, buckle in, buddy.

MerlinWhere were they tweeting? Where were they tweeting? Where were they tweeting to, Alex?

AlexOh, just nice. Just like, hey, where's the show?

MerlinYou guess. You guess let me. You guess let me.

AlexHow did I guess? Okay. No, it's fine. It's fine. It's fine. I wasn't guessing.

MerlinOkay, you did. You did. I went and I was going to try and see if there's any updates I could find. And you're not going to believe what I found. And then somebody had been disappeared. And then I, this morning, thought, oh, there's no chance in the world that the disappearing has been undisappeared. Lo and behold, guess who's back? Bitches. Wildcard.

AlexWhat the heck are you talking about? did i you deleted your twitter didn't you oh oh i just did the deactivation thing for a bit because i'm the okay so do you double gaslit me i'm double gaslit let's do a zip zip zip zip jazz girl um i'm glad you're back i missed you i love you very much i love you i love you but i

Merlincan't say i can't end the meeting stupid face you have a stupid face i'm just gonna i was going

AlexI'm like, hey, let's just tweet that I am babysitting my niece, which was true at the time.

MerlinThat image was hilarious. You put an emoji face on her.

AlexYes. Well, I don't know. It's not my baby. I don't know if they are putting their they. No, you're right. By they, I mean.

MerlinDon't misgender the baby.

AlexI meant by they. I meant her parents. She can decide her pronouns at the end of the day whenever she wants to. knows what kind of pronouns yeah exactly there's gonna be like as biden said what at least at least two yeah right sure that was really that was pretty cute um the the uh so she can just hold two iphones with her little baby hands and okay like her 14 month old hands or whatever a little ravioli hands it's i'm like how the fuck are you even doing this but i didn't say that because i

would never swear in front of a child no um and uh unfortunately my second niece who is fine now

Merlinyay hooray was um oh my god so cute did you tell did you tell the listeners about this is that okay

Alexto say that oh yeah we can now i just didn't want to yeah no no i understand believe me i understand but you had a new addition uh to to the uh the greater family yeah and it was just really my i i um have another niece and it was oh gosh she's just the i'm i'm a second time uncle she's so

Merlinlittle in pink oh oh then so little i got a photo i got a photo matchy always knows somehow matchy knows and i always get the right thing at the right time and i got i got a picture of of the new baby and i got a picture another picture of winston the bulldog oh i i love winston winston is a precious angel and that's the only dog that doesn't like matchy is that right no he he doesn't

Alexlike he no no that's not but it it what it has been it has been said that he doesn't like men um and so oh no that's complicated the owners were just so surprised how does he know whether to hate you guys yep yep and so yeah he he's been outed by dogs before but it's really

Merlindoggie doggie what now

Alextalk about a crossover episode oh boy

Merlinwe got a lot going on we haven't gotten to robots we have so much robot content this week i i that's what i was so surprised by did you did you pop did you did you pop a boner when you

Alexsaw we saw the images i well i opened the dock and i'm like oh so many robots what are i don't even know what we're gonna get to today oh and anyway um new izzy is her name she uh was in

Merlinunfortunately the nick you for a week isn't that isn't that a gray's character is i oh oh i think you're right that's the that's the that's the lady uh uh katherine heigl is an izzy is oh that's right oh don't associate oh don't i don't hang on hang on i did i did you know what i'm sorry i'm interrupting you by design i did it again today i did it again today i i even even on the day that harvey weinstein is extradited to la for more charges on doing being a gross human being i i said you know there's that thing they used to say these i told you this story small thing

well i used to they used to say katherine heigl i heard she's hard to work with and i said one time to my daughter's mother, I said, you know, I heard Katherine Heigl is hard to work with. And she said, you know what? Isn't it interesting that that's the thing they end up saying about a lot of women and only women? And I said, you know what? You're right. Bad on me. Bad on me. And today I said, Katherine Heigl, I heard she's hard to work with. And she said, I said, her quote unquote chemistry with George, and we're watching The Good Season,

is when I think they have the least chemistry of any romantic couple I've ever seen in the world in a production. And of course, he's a gay man and she's Katherine Heigl in real life. But, and then you know, we know what my daughter's mother said again. You know what she did this time? She said, you know what? Actually, they're really good friends in real life. And she was super nice to George in real life when the guy with the CGP gray glasses was being mean to George. Did you know that? Did you know that Katherine Heigl

was very supportive of George in real life?

AlexYes, because notice I did not say don't associate her with Katherine Heigl. I said don't associate her with Izzy because Izzy, the character, is a real bitch. And I don't think I'm supposed to say that anymore because I'm a they.

MerlinIsn't it interesting? Characters, they always say characters that are hard to work with. Yeah. Everyone's so emotional on that show. They're very emotional.

AlexOh, yeah. I don't. That is that is my what do what should I say? my cat's my cat's mother my cat's daddy mother uh loves to watch that show and i'm like what is wrong with you but then i watch attack on titan now for comfort which is uh oh god um show literally i don't i don't even want to talk about watch attack on titan everybody it's good i had a break breakthrough headcanon moment today that

MerlinI think is going to be very helpful to my enjoyment. And like I say, we're watching the good season. It's an outlier season. It's like season four of Sunny. It's one of those like, oh man, there's some bangers in this one. But what I realized was, so Karev is sitting around and he's just standing there and there's this woman, this red haired woman, because they love a red haired woman on that show. Thank God. But anyway, it's a red haired woman. I think she's had face reconstruction and Karev is just standing around in her room talking to her. And her room is like a studio apartment.

She has this room, this giant, giant room, and she doesn't want to leave the hospital. And I said, I wouldn't want to leave the hospital. I wouldn't want to leave it. Exactly. I don't know if you remember this, but she not only has a private room, but I mean, you wish your aunt in the cheap nursing home had a place this nice. It's super nice. And Karev's just standing around. I'm like, and like, first of all, okay, everybody in the show, they're way too emotional. Here's the other thing with Karev, though. Karev just seems to stand around and talk to people a lot, but I had a breakthrough. He didn't headcanon today. Can I share it with you?

AlexPlease, please do.

MerlinWhat if Karev dresses like a TV doctor, but he's actually on security and he's just there to stand around until somebody needs to get punched in the face?

AlexOh, interesting.

MerlinHe's a doctor secondarily, but he's primarily like a Hulk out enforcer of his own design.

AlexOh my gosh. Kind of makes more sense. My head canon. Well, and especially because he goes and works in peds and especially now, I would love it if there was like a big old, not a cop, but just someone who is going to be around there to punch anybody who comes.

MerlinIt also opens, we should say this for the after show, but it also opens the door. Fight, fight, fight.

AlexFight for the babies.

MerlinTeeth, teeth. It also, I think, brings up an interesting idea, which is what if Seattle Grace, which is what it was known at the time. What if Seattle Grace actually.

AlexWe don't say that anymore.

MerlinOh, I'm sorry. We have neo titles.

AlexI'm sorry.

MerlinWhat is it now? Now it's Grey Memorial. Grey. It's also the one where the drunk dad comes in and yells at her. And Meredith gets very emotional.

AlexI don't. The name changes like six times.

MerlinThey got to take the test. And she might have to do her whole resident year over again because she's not doing good on the test. But that opens the door. And I'll save this for the after show. I want you to tell me about the after show in a minute. But we'll save it for the after show. But it's my feeling. what if unless this particular hospital actually has a very unusual approach and there actually are different departments that aren't the department you see yeah yeah we call them a resident but they actually do different things like maybe maybe some people are just there to be mopey like some like who knows i'm i'm just tossing it open that if we go into the world if we load the headcanon and fire it off will it turn out that everybody there uh only a few of

them are doctors i think bailey's definitely a doctor this is back when she was very little and

Alexhad a bad wig oh gosh she she was so they actually addressed that it was super cool all right then put the woke hat on but at one point they started like talking about black women's hair and like it's a beautiful bonding moment later on and of course um you know i mean they're like oh my god i can't believe they did that also all they need now is another black woman yeah they oh wait where yes i agree you can never have oh come on no no that's not me that was me doing a

Merlinbit sorry i should oh sorry sorry that was a bit that was yeah that was here's my bit i wanted to

Alextouch their hair but oh don't you like love maggie though but jokes about the room as you said maggie is the heart doctor who comes eventually and is maybe related to a character oh is she the one

Merlinwho's really over the top she's like very she's very is that the one who's like super excited all the time oh i don't know curly hair i might be getting confused we're on the good season oh yeah

Alexshe is she's in uh she's a good character in a bad season yeah you know yeah and like friday

Merlinnight lights isn't isn't there yet i like friday night lights the african-american guy i like him a lot he's the he's the guy who was the running back on friday night lights and he's on that show

Alexas well does it get better after the second season involving what i can only describe as a true crime ish element except it's not true like what the fuck was that i they really do drag some stuff

Merlinfoul. As I mentioned to John Roderick on Monday, we just saw the episode with the ferry accident and boy does that ever get dragged out. It's almost a regular airplane crash. You know, it just kind of goes on and on. But I feel like I don't know. I have a lot of crushes on people on that show. I have a lot of crushes.

AlexOh, see, I was asking about Saturday Night or Saturday, good lord. Saturday Night Fever? Oh no, that you mean the season? The second. The Crystal

MerlinSkull season? The second season that we

Alexdon't acknowledge? Yes, it's such a Oh, that's such a good way of putting it. Yeah.

MerlinWith Landry, Landry and Mockingbird on the bridge. Yes. Yes. Okay. Adrienne Palicki, I believe her name is. She's very good in John Wick. She's very good as Mockingbird on Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. We missed an episode last week. Somebody in Alex's family had an Izzy. They did or did not go off Twitter and did or did not come back. But, you know, like Elaine Stritch says, you know, I made it through all of last year and I'm here.

AlexAll right. Let's let's get into the wait. Hold on. What? What a week we can. Yeah, I can update you and in turn update other folks, except now I am logging into. Did I bring Twitter? Oh, yeah, I guess I know.

MerlinI saw it this morning.

AlexOh, yeah. Yeah.

MerlinI got a double double gaslight.

AlexDid I tweet any? OK, that was pretty funny. That was a good tweet. Come on. That should have done more numbers. Come on. did you see my tweet did you see i see pokemon uh no no no no oh oh you mean kyle is that kyle who is that what's his name kyle i quote tweeted someone who said tech bros will write building something new hush emoji in their bio but it's just kyle and another note taking app and then

Merlinyou see kyle type in he's got a gamer i think that you made greg feel bad greg responded to

Alexthat i think he made him feel that i i said oh no oh no that's a i i did i did as i hurt herted that as well but i i'm actually insulted uh by his comment on on his application drafts behalf because calling drafts a a note-taking app is calling an ipad a big iphone like how how dare

Merlinyou sir it's like calling it's like calling it's like calling paper a dead tree affordance yes yes

AlexHow dare you?

MerlinIt's kind of a lot more stuff you can actually do, you know, with it. Make a house or you can make a newspaper or, you know.

AlexImagine someone being self-deprecating. Oh, boy. Oh, man.

MerlinThis economy?

AlexI guess I'm on Twitter again.

MerlinI missed you.

AlexI'm not sure about that. Oh, well, no. That's the idea is.

MerlinI don't want to talk to you. I've been leaving you. God damn it, Alexandra. I've been leaving you alone. I've been leaving you alone. I've been staying out. I've been staying out of your shit. I'm sitting here. I'm sitting here with my Kyle in my hand, you know, and wondering what's going on. And I miss you. I like this. I like this. I like the program that we do.

AlexI, okay. Can it, can, well, can I take, should I take the jazz then? And because you're, you are doing the thing. You are creating puzzles for people. I don't want to create puzzles for people. If I didn't want to talk about things, I wouldn't.

MerlinI'm not creating puzzles. I just bought a puzzle, dumped it on the table. Oh, what kind? Oh, it's a coin. My mom once did a 500 piece puzzle of a coin. I want you to think about that for a minute.

AlexOh my God.

MerlinIt's like a Liberty, like a Liberty dollar. So like, yeah, there's little bits, There's smudges and stuff and there's there's edges and things. But like, can you imagine making a puzzle of a coin doing that on purpose? I hate puzzles.

AlexI well, well, then you're not going to like this. I literally wrote this down this morning. Oh, my goodness gracious.

MerlinOh, everybody. Sit down. Alex. Alex has something to to announce to the class.

AlexWait, no, no, no. Hold on.

MerlinHold on.

AlexWait, no, no. This is even this is I thought you had a prepared statement.

MerlinYou have an opening remark. Are you going to give us a set of kusa?

AlexNo, wait, this this is very important because you incepted me a little bit because as as

Merlinyou know i now do the note cards my wife got incepted two nights ago my wife got incepted did i tell you about this no i didn't she had a dream and a dream she had a dream and a dream like a lucid dream no no no no she was in the dream and and it was the most mundane dream of all time in the dream she was really tired and went to sleep and then had a dream oh that's

Alexsomebody who's not getting enough sleep yeah and it's true because i thought oh that's a normal thing that happens all the time right sure oh yeah all the time yeah yeah you you wake up and you're like oh man and then there's then you realize you're having like a night chair and it's the second time oh yeah no um the nf oh i i wrote nfc puzzle on a note card this morning

Merlinoh that's a pretty one is that a new zealand card that's a really nice card that's a system card

Alexoh that's beautiful yes and i i've gosh well this morning my nfc to be fair i haven't used it for like two weeks but my podcast set up um nfc sticker did not work this morning i was like oh man i wonder if they wear out huh but anyway i was like oh i don't imagine just i don't think

Merlinthey get much of get or whatever that get or receive much of a signal i just feel like they don't they don't hear well i don't mean to be ableist but i feel like they don't they're not listening i don't know if they're hearing but they're not listening i don't think the nfc

Alexcommunity is going to be upset i am i think i'm part of the nfc god damn nfc works at least 10 percent of the time yeah yeah i know so do you have a prepared statement oh my goodness um oh

Merlinoh let you take you know in your own time take take your time i i this is my day this is my

Alexentire day i i actually this i do i do want to get into it would you be opposed to at the very beginning of the episode being like hey uh you're you're not in trouble and we have done this a couple times before like hey we're you're not in trouble we just you know as we do talk about a mental illness stuff and it might not be your jam today or something like that oh yeah i started i

Merlinstarted watching america and horror story last night um which wait which season which season i started i started at the beginning murder house i've never seen the show i've never seen the show I'm interested in the idea of Ryan Murphy, and I'd heard things about this show, and oh my God, it's such a good, bad show.

It's so – but it's right in my wheelhouse for, oh, it's 11. I think I got another hour or so in me. Holy shit. And I went through a bunch of – and again, speaking of Friday Night Lights, it's got Mrs. Coach in it. It's got the guy whose name I always confuse with everybody else. It's not Dylan McMurphy, whatever that guy. Dermot Mulroney, it's got him. And they had, you know, my daughter and I, at the beginning, we always like to say, we call them tags. At the beginning, you see the pop-up. It's like this episode of Invincible has, or this episode of The Boys has gore and violence and language, whatever that means.

I hope almost all shows that aren't silent have language. But this one had so many tags, including some TW type stuff. I am absolutely not opposed to that. and you know there was just so much of the things that I'm not even TW'd about but woof like when Quicksilver walks in and she's oh man woof oh yeah

AlexI haven't seen the first season in a very long time but

Merlinyou know who else is on there in flashbacks really good flashbacks fucking Gavin Belson

Alexthe oh I don't even Gavin Belson

Merlinis the doctor who built the house in the 20s for his wife and in

Alex1926 things got a little bit hairy is this the season where there's no sarah paulson i have not

Merlinseen a paulson yet i believe i shotgunned at least four last night i've seen her in the credits i've always heard this is a very like i mean i'm using these words it's a buffy first season uh oh i'm enjoying it but like i don't mean to be putting these right next to each other but i'd heard that it's pretty it's got a queer sensibility that it's kind of kinky that it's kind of like that But it's also almost like a Stranger Things level of like, oh my God, classic tropes of Stephen King and Stanley Kubrick and stuff like that.

I think that's totally fine. So at the top of the show, we'll do a very tasteful warning that we're going to talk about brains.

AlexTasteful? Yeah.

MerlinWill there be any calorie counting? Are we going to talk about calorie counting?

AlexOh, I don't think so. but they're um we're gonna talk about p hacking i'm trying to p hack oh like with the sticks oh did you listen to the keto episode of um oh yeah welcome to do by friday where we talk about podcast

Merlinthe very latest one is which i just finished this morning is um and i don't know sometimes they get a little fast and loose i don't think of it as science as a science show i think of it as a hanging out with friends show um they get a little fast and loose but but it's about yeah and lately they've gotten a little bit they're sniffing their own farts a little bit but i still enjoy it but the um but uh this one was about the the researcher you ever heard okay alexandra have you ever heard because in a different life you you have you have been a woman person and you're always getting bugged about food and like yes if you want to lose weight you got to eat less

Alexif you want to eat less you know what you do what do you do smaller plate oh this is that guy this

Merlinis that guy and i don't want to spoil it for you but all the way and it's there's so there's so much shit in this episode that hits especially oh god michael and audrey yes yes presses a ton of both their buttons but especially audrey's because it's like institutional health programs stuff for like like google wanted to do a thing that when you check out at the cafeteria they'd show you an ai simulated photo of what you'd look like in a year if you kept eating that same food oh yikes that's a bit oh yeah you're gonna like this you're gonna like this episode but um but

yeah they always mention calorie counting is that a huge thing in the um in the community of disordered uh eating survivors i didn't know that was a thing until this show i think so i mean well that's we're talking about any of that tracking stuff i guess is like i didn't know that was a

Alexthing like a trigger thing and now i've now i've done it here oh oh in terms of yes oh well we'll put it at the i might as well be talking about the night man well i was really nervous um when they talked about keto because i do i have done slash still often do a very light keto which is

Merlinalways why i send you pictures of when i i did atkins i did atkins i did atkins and it changed my life and I had the sticks on the toilet. I'd pee on it to see if I'd keto. And it was one of

Alexthose things where it's, there are some like turns out things, but like the biggest turns out is, one, obviously do you, whenever you diet, go do stuff with your doctor. And two, it's like,

Merlinyeah, if you really want to do keto. It's like it's about health. Let's do that.

AlexLet's act like this is related to your health. Yes. Yes. And then.

MerlinAnd it's not like deciding on a T-shirt.

AlexWell, it is. It is like a tattoo. Two, it's really hard to do keto unless you just like eating the same thing over and over and over, which surprise, that's exactly in my wheelhouse.

MerlinOh, dude, Atkins diet. Let me get this straight. Atkins diet, which, of course, is not healthy. But Atkins diet. Let me get this straight. So like if I don't eat potatoes, I can like I can have all the steak and bacon that I want. Like, don't throw me in the briar patch, please. And thank you. Jeez. Yes. No problem.

Oh, I miss French fries. I mainly miss French fries. I remember.

AlexI. Oh, man. Like, and that's one thing I also really like about that show is the distinction between dieting and diet.

MerlinThe noun. It's almost like weather versus climate.

Alexyes oh that's so good yes yes yes and i like almost in some ways almost like diet as a noun

Merlinversus diet as a verb like diet is a verb you know what can trotty like be careful about that but you know what is your what is your noun diet because that's your climate really part of your

Alexclimate i just don't eat a well now we're just going to talk about alex's food uh hopefully i don't have disordered eating i mean i've disordered eating it's really hard to say

Merlindisordered eating disordered eating pancake by drunk dump truck driver dump trunk um pied piper pied piper middle out middle out middle out compression what is it that they say

Alexpied piper proprietary i i don't know it's the worst alliteration what if i told you that there

Merlinwas an app where i could see your children anywhere there's nothing you could do about it

AlexOh, welcome to Dubai Friday.

MerlinWhat if I could find you a playground with the most or fewest children?

AlexYou have infected me twice. I'd restarted watching Silicon Valley and Silicon, Silicon Valley.

MerlinSilicon season two. I did season two in a day. A couple of days later, I kept watching. I had a power puttering day on Sunday. And then I thought I had COVID on Monday.

AlexOh, that's right.

MerlinOh, did you hear that? Did you hear I thought I had COVID?

AlexI think, yeah, yeah.

MerlinI mentioned it on the Back to Work program, I think.

AlexOh, God.

MerlinI was scared. I was actually legit scared. I have an appointment tomorrow morning to get a test that I'll probably go ahead and cancel. But no, then I got through. So season two, my God, so good. But then, yeah, so anyway, Gavin Belson, who also plays Augie in The Aviator. Were you aware of that? Were you aware that he's the airplane mechanic in The Aviator?

AlexI mean, I wasn't. Well, now I am aware.

MerlinAlso, Russ Hanneman was the cameraman in the very ill-advised, now we meet the people who are shooting the Office documentary part of The Office from that terrible season. He's the cameraman that Pam kind of almost gets with. Remember that? Russ Hanneman?

AlexOh, I know. I hated him.

MerlinTrace Comas?

AlexTrace Comas. Well, actually, he was the sound guy. Sound guy. Oh, sorry. Oh. I stand corrected.

MerlinTrigger warning. Alex.

AlexOh, but the other thing last week is I really hesitate to use the term nervous breakdown because so many things come along with that. But in terms of like...

MerlinIt's like declaring yourself hysterical.

AlexRight.

MerlinThere's a lot of valence to these words.

AlexThe only reason I say that...

MerlinMy uterus made me crazy.

AlexYeah, yeah, yeah.

MerlinThe Greeks have a word for this. It's called being a woman.

AlexOh, gosh. I mean, well, now thanks to Bo Burnham's Inside, most everyone who's watched it knows about dissociative episodes, which is different than DID, which we used to call multiple personality disorder. But anyway, last week I was in a situation where really thought Maddie and I thought like, okay, Alex's brain is broken to the point where we might go into the hospital, not because I wanted to hurt myself or others.

MerlinDid you just kind of wake up, wake up and know, wake up and know that it was kind of a bad time?

AlexNo, it was real bad. And to the point where I, in terms of like disassociation, I really don't remember what I was doing or saying, but apparently some of the stuff, and I was absolutely terrified and was like looking through my texts of, did I yell at any of my friends or treat any of my friends the way I did uh uh matchy and uh founder of uh Cox's Cox's best friend since high school Kara and who and both of those have been on the receiving end of what is a manic episode

in terms of just like my pure irrational fury and cruelty and and what I mean by that is uh And this is not, you know, your mileage may vary when you have a manic episode. But this is something I know that a lot of people can do without having any sort of mental break. But I think it is easiest and most painful when you hurt somebody that you're close to because you know exactly where the chinks in that armor is.

and you know exactly what to say to just tear that person apart.

MerlinEspecially when you're unintentionally inhabiting a certain kind of terrible character. However that started, that's who you're being now. And that's maybe an aspect of who you are, but that's not who you'd ever want to be.

AlexYeah. And this is not a Martha situation where I pretend to be like need to men over the phone. um that like just it's also i think at least for me um i whenever i have a manic episode i uh i lash out at the people i'm closest to also because i know that they won't leave i like

Merlinwill not abandon me in my time of need whenever my kids whenever my kids being being a dick i of course think about well i'm a dick all the time but i think about the fact that she's a teenager And like it's, you know, I have a hypothesis that especially with kids, but really for everybody, sometimes there is a pipes and wires thing that's going on that you could call a feeling. And that feeling needs a reason or that feeling needs an outlet. We'll find an outlet like you wouldn't want it to. But even if it is often totally irrational and like a small example of that would be you want mac and cheese?

No, I hate mac and cheese. I've never liked mac and cheese. Now, I know factually that as far as I can tell, based on the evidence, my kid actually does actually really like mac and cheese like any normal person. But that strong feeling, that strong negative feeling needs to burst out somewhere. Do you know what I mean? And like you end up, but like you're rehearsing life when you're a kid and you're being a dick with your parents. Totally understandable, like totally understandable. But you do that because it's a safe environment. It's a low stakes environment for you to be an asshole where you maybe don't want to do that with the school bully.

AlexYeah. And that gets, like you said, when it is a kid and a parent and or occasionally, you know, if you yell at your spouse or something, it is not good, but it doesn't necessarily become a toxic relationship or something like that. Oh, we should talk about the book, What Happens When You Overstate Harm, because that's a good book.

MerlinOh, my God. Yeah, I've been reading that on your suggestion. Yeah, absolutely. But like, it's also like, you know, I mean, depending on your background and how you are, I mean, as somebody who's the way that I am as emotionally as emotionally fragile as I've been for most of my life. Like there are things where like in a certain kind of – I can think of certain ethnicities where people just kind of yell at each other all the time, but it's not meant in a harmful, permanently harmful way. Whereas there are families where one outburst, one wrong night at the wrong time ends up having an impact on that relationship for months or years or decades.

That one time you made me feel scared and insecure and vulnerable, like that ends up being almost like a kind of like shameful PTSD. And like, but you don't want to do that to a Kara.

AlexBut well, oh, I did. No. Well, and this is why I want to have the little content warning at the beginning, because there was a time in my life now, speaking of Bo Burnham, like exactly 14 years ago, where I was at a point where I did not want to be alive anymore. anymore. And 16 year old Kara was in her closet talking me down from terrible, from doing terrible

things. And I know a lot of friends have that, that have like, you know, literally saved their friends' lives, but that isn't something you should have to do when you are 16 years old, especially when, you know, you're all alone and you don't want to, you know, tell any, oh gosh uh which is why i'm so lucky to still have her around because again i'm gonna say luckily a lot because this isn't a prepared statement um both maddie and kara knew like

right away okay this is not behavior that we've seen in a long long long long time and i'm not like trying to be vague about like what i mean to say by behavior it wasn't it was just like fuck off i i i never want to talk to you see you anything like that and i i wish that i had a trigger i wish that i could say that um there was something that i could pinpoint but there is always a reason for these things and sometimes the reason is your brain chemistry so that sucks

Merlinit says like something something somewhere somehow that sets it off yeah and well and

Alexand again i don't i oh god some of it i remember because it was over text messages um and i think and i don't remember deactivating my twitter account but that makes total sense to me

Merlinnow because i had mixed feelings because on the one hand i was like that's the best thing

Alexyeah i was like oh well no i didn't want to i don't want to say anything crazy to 8 000 people

MerlinI know, I know. But it doesn't make you happy, you know.

AlexAnd I was surprised at how many people noticed, especially because I did not remember this. And I was like, well, I guess that that is good. And thank you. You know, friends who reached out. Thank you so much. And oh, and anyway, this is this is a long, grambly way of saying Tuesday. It was just to the point where I was having this manic break. And they and Maddie was like, OK, clearly this stress leave isn't working the way that you wanted or we wanted, which is why I was actually going to break up with my psychiatrist.

But I ended up doing that because.

MerlinOh, interesting. That had not occurred to me. You said last time we recorded that you sort of Oce, sort of stage whispery, you were like thinking about making a change there. And this is what this is what it caused that.

AlexNo, actually.

MerlinBut like you felt like it wasn't you. Did you feel like at the time when you were feeling copus, did you feel like it was just match here? Did you also feel like this wasn't working the way you hoped or wished?

AlexIt was both of us. Like, it's hard to, when you spend a, the majority of your life wondering, like, if queerness is even a real thing that exists, or if it's just part of your brain, not having enough or too much serotonin or dopamine or whatever. and it's like all right am i am i really a non-binary person is this even really a thing

is this true and obviously the the answer is yes but um when that gets you start doubting your own perceptions or yeah um well once you just start doubting yourself and it's very much a unfortunately a thing in the trans community it's like well you're not trans enough you you don't present androgynous enough and right now it's like oh it is just a fad despite um you know i've used they

them pronouns for a very not of okay everybody calm down not a very long time privately for a very long time with very small amount of people it's new for most people it's okay everybody um the and that just gets muddled in with like oh is my queerness just part of my bipolarness and those are two distinct things but that doesn't mean that um oh gosh um I don't think this is

I don't think I've ever talked about just for you on this show uh because I don't want to steal two-headed girl valor uh I my spouse has a podcast everybody you should go listen to it But do you know what dysphoria is? Should I explain that real quick?

MerlinI wish you would. I get dysphoria and dysmorphia confused. I remember hearing that Michael Jackson, it was believed from a long distance diagnosis that Michael Jackson, one reason that he chose to keep doing different kinds of procedures and surgeries. It wasn't that, as we speculated at the time, that he wanted to be white. but that the thing and i feel like this is somehow related to anorexia but like the person that you see in the mirror in real life and metaphorically that like you don't look like just tell me what

it is i but like i feel like it's it's this thing of like no no where you have you have a distorted idea of how you look or who you are that becomes somewhat unshakable right and actually just

Alexyou're right as well that sometimes that comes dysmorphia comes along with disordered eating or it's one of those things where it is often a symptom of something and a lot of straight and cis people have body dysmorphia in terms of just being unable to see their body as it objectively is in the world. And that is an oversimplification. But the difference between that and dysphoria is

that dysphoria is more rooted around the gendered parts of your body. And those are also the parts, again, oversimplification. But it's like, yes, I have this thing in my pants. And as a lady, I shouldn't have this thing in my pants. I want it gone. Or me, like, I don't want these things on my chest. Always been really, really bad. But before we had a word for dysphoria, you know, that had always been buried because I was focusing on being bipolar, which is a good thing, focusing on mental health.

And I just always assumed that I never had what's called social dysphoria, as in being around other folks and being very aware that you look like something, probably gender, that you are not. And I had never experienced that before. I truly don't think I'd ever experienced that before.

MerlinSo it's almost like a form of cognitive dissonance, like in the sense of like, I remember first hearing about cognitive dissonance. I think that's such a fascinating idea. Like, at least my understanding of that was that the things that you feel very deeply or something that is absolutely like in your bones as truth in the universe is at odds with a more, you know, empirical reality. and that the dissonance comes from the inability to have those two square up

and that that is a cause of tremendous stress because it's like Wolverine's body is always healing, right? It's drifting down to the bones to put the adamantium on, so he's in pain all the time, but he can't heal. Anyway, that's how I use Marvel Comics to understand.

AlexNo, that's exactly like they're – that is more dysmorphia. And that's why often dysphoria and dysmorphia can go hand in hand because dysphoria, like sometimes it's like, yes, other folks can see the tits and read you as a woman when you're not that. And that is just the thing. Whereas dysmorphia can be like you said, it's just all always just staring at your insides with that.

oh that adamantium and i never the it's but uh in terms of like social dysphoria i never really focused on that because i was too busy the reason i've been awesome at at quarantine basically is because I didn't, I felt for the first time, and we've talked about this on earlier shows,

I felt for the first time physical dysphoria, which is being like super aware of your body and how you do not like it.

MerlinThis relates to your shower realization?

AlexYes. And just realizing, oh man, these boobs really cause more problems than I thought.

MerlinThat was a breakthrough when you said that to me Because it gave me the impression that, I mean, maybe you said this in actual words, but that like that you had pinned a lot of your discomfort in the world with your sexual or, you know, with your with your queerness. But you were also realizing that it's the physical part that's the tough part. And so that like you hadn't acknowledged that or something like it was just occurring to you.

AlexRight. I hadn't because I was able to, like most of the time I was out doing things was for work and for my job. And like I would be not fine. But part of the reason that I did use she her for so long is because you always got to get into a thing when you're in a public venue. Less so now. And by now, I do mean like two years ago. But you it's they're like, man, woman, what's happening? And it was easy to just suppress that because it's like, I have a job here to do.

It's not my and my that job is not explaining to this person who is also just trying to do their job. Like I they don't need to go through gender 101.

MerlinYou don't get bogged down if you're busy. You don't get bogged down in every instance of trying to correct and educate that you just don't have the cycles to do that.

AlexYeah. But also, you know, it doesn't necessarily mean that they need or should have that. You know, like we all just want to make sure that the cables are grounded and everything works. But as we sort of re-enter the world, I don't have that anymore. And I was able to.

MerlinThe body you have is the one that has to go out in the world now.

AlexYeah. And it was so, I mean, again, virtual reality is also what led me to be like, oh, yeah, I've got a lot of disconnects with my body. body. And I had that physical dysphoria during quarantine. I'm like, ah, there's a solution for this. I'm working to solve that problem. And by getting top surgery and getting rid of my boobs, but being not back out because, you know, Delta variants and all that I'm wearing a mask again inside. And I feel weird about it because I'm like, yes, I do trust science, but when people

weren't vaccinated anyway sorry closing that parentheses um being outside and constantly being read as a woman in the and the the worst ways uh it really really sucked and i'm like oh this is what social dysphoria is right okay cool um and but i mean luckily i have a community of those folks are like, yes, we've been saying that you have that for a while. And I'm like, ah,

thank you, queer friends. You were correct. And when I brought that up to my psychiatrist, it wasn't that he dismissed it. It was like, yeah, but it was like, oh yeah, that that's all well and good. But you know, we want to focus on your, your brain. And I'm like, Hey, no, no, I know, but this anxiety now around dysphoria has become paralyzing and I can't do that. I can't. Is this is this making sense?

I'm like, it has gotten.

MerlinYeah, you're I mean, like, it's this is interesting because that also I really feel you on that because it relates to a ton of things that are strangely related to whatever you want to call this last year and a half. where like the, it was just the most basic dread of like, wow, the cost of doing a lift has gotten really expensive. It's going to get really costly for me to pick my kid up at school, even as I can't wait for her to get back in school. Like, well, that's kind of a weird, like, that's a dumb thing. Shouldn't I just be willing to spend $60 a day on, on lift?

But like, there's that kind of stuff, but then there's also just,

AlexOh God, that's how much it is. What? So, holy fuck.

MerlinYeah. My kid walks a lot. So we had a walk last week. And to get from, let's just, how can I say this without saying this? To get, I think it was probably about 15 blocks was 20 bucks.

AlexOh, my God.

MerlinIt's gone way, way, way, way. But no, I'm sorry. That's just in passing. But just to say, like, there's a whole bunch of stuff where I've said all along, probably since last March. Like, I've always been, I wish I could draw because I really want to do a Chris Ware style New Yorker cover of the day we all come out of lockdown. I used to think, remember? my idea of like this sort of like isometric drawing of a street do do do do do do the sun's out the birds are singing doors open everybody walks out and they everybody has transformed into a completely different unrecognizable barely humanoid like obviously some people maybe some

people put on a few pounds maybe some people now have like an octopus for a head like who knows what happened in lockdown but now that we're back out in the world that would be so cool i'd fuck it that guy fucks but leon but i would you know what i'm saying like i i always had this feeling all long of like, I wonder how much we're going to, it's going to be so weird and like, ha ha, you grew a beard or whatever. But the stuff of like, oh my gosh, think about how much we've each changed or how much all the things that we assumed had to be a certain way for better or worse in adult life. We realized, unfortunately, that that's not the case and the possibilities of that and the

perils of that. And then the like, the thing I've been fearing from the beginning is then having to go back into the meat grinder of reality where the people who have always been in a position of power are still in a position of power, which means that they're in a position to decide what reality is, was, or continues to be. And that's terrifying to have to all of our own little cognitive dissonances that we've had time to sort of often, like, you know, some people suffer more than others. I'm fine. Like, I've got everything I need and the right personality to stay inside

with my family and eat takeout forever. Hashtag everybody. But then when you're having to go back into the meat grinder of reality and face all those power dynamics. And then once again, you're having to like set yourself up against different people in real life. And it's sort of like I used to say about people who run stop signs and red lights where it's like, well, if one person on a bike blows through a stop sign, I'm like, we'll probably be fine. But if one person blows through a red light, a dark red light, like that's really bad.

It's extremely bad. Thank God almost nobody else is running that red light. But if two people run a red light at the same time, do you see where I'm going with this? If we go beyond the single asshole theory, which I think was part of the Kennedy assassination, but if we move past the single asshole theory, what if everybody starts acting like that? So many people are going to die. When two weirdos meet each other passing through the rye, it's going to be a weird time in the new meat grinder. And I don't prefer it. I'm not looking forward to it. And I continue to be the idea of like getting on a plane to go somewhere right now, which is something I'm dealing with, is like really incredibly stressful to me.

Because I know it's me and my weirdness and my cognitive dissonance back in the world. But I'm also just not looking forward to having to deal with everybody else's cognitive dissonance.

Alexand aside from the cognitive dissonance part of it it's like i've lost it's like i've lost my neoliberal muscles of having to just let things go your ability to nod along to be like uh-huh yeah yeah and this is why um you know i enjoy oh why is my recording paused that's okay everything's Fine, we've got the Zoom backup and the QuickTime backup.

All right, everything's cool. But not even not along in a way that I mean, yes, speak up when you can about social inequities, obviously. But when I say that it doesn't bother me and I don't consider it misgendering when you accidentally use she her is the same reason I don't consider it misgendering when my mom is like, oh, what's wrong with you, woman? when it's like uh specifically when i was wearing a shirt that had a computer chip on it

uh the the m1 it was it was on a giant a giant m1 on the back of my t-shirt it's a great shirt

Merlinbut it's pretty hot that's unisex hotness the yes yes um but you're sorry polysex what do we say What? I don't think we say unisex anymore. Unisex can be a haircut and a clone.

AlexBut my family, because they raised me as a woman, obviously, but they knew that something was up and the way they treat me isn't the way I think society treats or prefer or perceives femininity and not a good or bad way. Just just both. Does that kind of make sense? Like, like you aren't like Alex, the cheerleader, which is nothing wrong with that.

MerlinYou're getting at the. So just so I understand that you're kind of getting at the and forgive me, these are all new words to me. Social dysphoria part of this. Right. Which is like you've got whatever's going over here here with yourself. But then in the world, you're also having to like evaluate when somebody does when somebody references anything about you and who you are. And especially something where you do or feel like you differ from what's printed on the tin that also causes a re-litigation in your own mind of like, at the very least, how do I deal with this person who just called me that?

But then like, you know, then that must lead to things like self-doubt or like, I don't maybe if I am a woman, you're going to call me a bitch if I say don't call me a woman. it's like right i mean there's you've got layer levels and layers it's like why i like tropic thunder and people say it's problematic and yeah it is problematic but it's not problematic in the way you think there's layers and layers and layers and like this this that's also life is like i have to relitigate this on so many different levels at least on a cognitive basis and by the time i figured out what to do about it like you know my coffee's gone cold and because there's so much

Alexnuance to it because uh tropic thunder problematic but in different ways that jesus christ uh but the not for the reason you think stop parroting things you've heard other people say oh like go

Merlindo the god damn and you know what save it for the show oh have you ever seen the director's cut of not the director's cut the director's commentary oh so good no oh my god that movie is so fucking It's so good.

AlexBut Nua.

MerlinBecause he's got Robert Downey Jr. The character that he is playing is a method actor who decides to go all in on a role. But then he's got to stay in that character. And spoiler alert, sorry, we discovered that he never really abandons any character. He keeps layering. He's an actor playing a character. and then his next character has to also incorporate that character. And it goes on and on and on. So he takes off the blue contact lenses and has brown eyes.

Then he takes out the brown contact lenses, and we realize he actually does have even bluer eyes. And then on top of it all, and this is where it goes next, Robert Downey Jr. is an actual human being who has to be an actor playing that fucking role. Are you getting this, people?

AlexIt's so good.

MerlinIt's an internet community. Go ahead.

AlexNo, I'm like, isn't it good?

MerlinIt's so good. It's so good. And Jack Black just getting increasingly gacked out because his heroin is gone. Oh, my fucking God.

AlexEven Tom Cruise in that.

MerlinEspecially Tom Cruise. The dancing. Oh, wait. Is Jared in that? Who's the guy who's there with him? Was it Jared? No. Oh, I don't remember. I'll look it up.

Speaker BTom Cruise is great in that.

AlexIt's a great movie. commenting on the Hollywood the Hollywood movie filmmaking industry

Merlinand just the American conceit about life ideology and storytelling

Alexalso power and war and like just

Merlinno one man should have all that power comedy levity has left

Alexlevity has left the room but like when I say there's nuance to all of the misgendering stuff there are people who get really hurt and upset when a cashier calls them sir or ma'am and they are not a sir or a ma'am or they're the opposite but it's not like you're angry at that cashier or the wait staff because you know that's their job that's of course like you know they gotta do the thing um and increasingly

you can tell that there's there's often a pause you know because it's like do which what which are which are you which is it's their job it's so it's fine yeah but if that forces you into a

Merlincertain kind of second order economy thinking that like takes you out of the like the easy assumptions that lubricate so much of social interaction yeah and i had gotten used to that

Alexand even now it doesn't really bother me so so much and more so it bothers me because the a wait staff has to you know act as if yes you are superior because i am the one who brings you a diet coke but okay parentheses closed on that one uh well done but the just but the the way that we are constantly gendered beyond words is something that i know exists knew existed and

was great at using those muscles.

MerlinEven or especially situations that don't require gender for any kind of clarification. That's the frustrating part. And that's why I get hung up on they is because, and again, I'm just saying, but like, but like there's just so many situations where we need a better something than a thing that requires me to decide which of these two things you are.

AlexYeah. And I, I don't know. Maybe, and well, this is why I sort of had this realization, and that was part of me wanting to basically break up with my psychiatrist, because it's like, all right, we do need to adjust the chemicals in my brain, fully agree. And that's helped a lot because especially with the non-stimulant, oh, I wish, the non-stimulant ADD meds because, you know, oh, sorry, ADHD because, you know, the H in there is really important.

And sometimes that can be a symptom.

MerlinThat's true. But as previously on Dubai Friday, whatever that is that comes along to try and treat ADHD must not interfere with, it can't futz with the super important thing, project you're already working on.

AlexRight. Like, which is why most bipolar people, you know, don't get to have Ritalin, as glorious as it sounds. I know. Poor Ritalin parade.

MerlinIs this your Adderall? No. It's from a boy I brought to my house.

AlexI'm just holding it for somebody.

MerlinThis is a very powerful joke, sir. All right.

AlexI, yeah, and I don't think this, it could have, that whole just sort of dealing with the real world for the past few months, I don't know if that's what triggered this outburst of anger and hostility towards not just Maddie and Kara, but, you know, strangers. And luckily they're like, I'm really not trying to be vague.

It's just, I don't remember most of this other than being truly furious at nothing in particular. I don't remember.

MerlinIt's like me with my snoring. I don't know that I snore. I don't think Matchy knows that he snores, but I I've heard that I snore enough that my wife has to like leave the room and it's like I feel I feel so shitty about that because I mean I feel legit shitty about that when I look over my wife's not in bed because she went to like sleep on the couch because I snore so loud I'm like fuck I gotta do something about this and I don't even get the the glory of like uh getting of being an actual deliberate asshole I didn't do anything to cause myself to snore I don't hear myself snore

But I see the effluvium and pollution of my snoring, especially when I'm not doing it. And in your case, can you be held to account for this outburst that came out of your pipes and wires? Well, I mean, that would be a little bit facile. But it certainly still has an impact.

AlexYeah, it's like there are still consequences to these actions, as there should be. But, you know, it's, it's, I don't know, it's really, it's complicated. Because when you do something horrible, and even if that's just like an outburst towards somebody, and outbursts are also normal. Like, I don't mean to make this sound as if like an angry outburst is not a normal human thing to happen.

just the way that it happens to me is very just out of character to the point where I had...

MerlinAnd it could be a marker. Well, I suspect, I don't mean to interrogate you here, but I suspect that's the thing that made Akira or Imachi go like, oh, it's not so much about like you hurt my feelings, but it is about, oh, we've seen this movie before and let's try and keep this in the first act. We don't want this to go to where it could go.

Alexthat's a that's a good way of putting it yeah i i came home and i've literally never seen maddie so afraid and being like we when i texted the he was so he seemed so chill the oh well that was the day actually that i went to um my i i was again at the uh with with my doctor and did not need to go to in inpatient which is where you go to a psych ward and stay overnight if uh right

Merlinif folks don't know that um you're not like you're not like getting checked in or you're not getting like observed in a like state mandated way the well and and that's the thing is i've i've been

Alexthere and because i did not know what the heck was going on i was willing to be like okay do is this a thing that I need? And they go, when you get evaluated, when you've had a it's called a psychotic incident and I know some people have problems with that but whatever. They ask you have you harmed yourself? Are you self-medicating with this, this, and this?

Have you had suicidal plans or ideations or plans to homicidal ideations. And like, no, no, no.

MerlinOut of curiosity, were you able to answer that in a way that, I'm not being silly. Like, were you able to say, definitely not? Or yes. Or did you feel yourself needing to say, I don't know? Do you, when you get asked something like that, which seems kind of weird, it would be like asking me about like how long I snored last night. Well, I have no fucking idea. I was asleep. Like, do you respond to that as no, as far as I know, or kind of, or like, do they, how do they account for things like that?

AlexI mean, you're exactly right. Part of the reason they ask those questions is because state mandated. But, and sometimes I will say, not sometimes, in the past and this time, I was able, luckily I was able to say this time, no, no, no. But, you know, my spouse is on the HIPAA form. You can talk to him, whatever.

But then they asked me if you could. God, I guess Bo Burnham's inside fucked with or helped me more than I thought. The woman asked, have you thought about going to sleep for a long period of time and not having to wake up? And I was like, yeah. And this was before, before inside.

MerlinI think about that three times a day.

AlexBut I'm like, wait a second. Yeah. I'm like, did I'm like, wait, did they like watch this? And now it's a standard question.

MerlinYeah. Is that a trick? Is that one of those like Myers-Briggs? Like we ask you in different ways and see if we can trip you up.

AlexAnd that's the thing. I was very, I could very easily say yes. Yes. And I thought that was going to be the trigger of like, all right, time to stay at the hospital.

MerlinGuys in white coats come in with a butterfly net.

AlexKicking and screaming, please.

MerlinKicking and screaming. Oh, gosh.

AlexAnyway, my psychiatrist, I guess, finally was like, okay, here are some programs, like day programs that now seem appropriate for you. And maybe this is gender stuff. Maybe this is just your bipolar cognitive stuff. But it could be both. And to his credit, he said, and I don't know how to address any sort of gender issues.

And I'm like, I know that's what I've been trying to. No, not to his credit. I've been trying to say that to him for seven.

MerlinNow you tell me.

AlexWell, and that's the thing is like, I what what is making me crazy? And if it is the gender stuff, then that's it needs therapy and all of that. And, you know, I'm adjusting my meds and I have been so fucking grateful not just to be able to take a sabbatical from work, but to have very, very patient people who have been working with me. Like, you know, Kathy and Chris Olly, Jay Miller, they they like when they hear their name.

So I'm going to say it. And it finally got to the point of just like, OK, this is unsustainable. And if you think this is sustainable, like me saying this to my doctor, like you're going to need to refer me to somebody else. And he's like, OK, how about I refer you to a place that is it's almost it's not quite a rehab center, but it is. there are a lot of these that try to build themselves as spas, but are sort of like psych wards away from a,

but not in a hospital, which is great for me because I have quite a lot of anxiety around that stuff. And this is, has been a very long rambly story, but I mean,

Merlinno, keep going, keep going. What just in terms of like, just real quick though. And it's like when you talk and this is, tell me if this is none of my fucking business, But like, so you had texted me last Wednesday morning for obvious reasons. But like at what point.

AlexOh, and I don't remember that either.

MerlinOh, you wrote a really, it was very lucid and nice. Oh, yeah. You weren't mean to me or anything. But the talking with your doctor about a referral to, is that like a Tuesday thing, an earlier thing?

When were you talking to your doctor? No, like, so like when did the thing, when did it really finally come to a head with your doctor? Had that preceded that? I'm just trying to get the timeline, you know, of like, you know, and it sounds like Wednesday was when you actually went to like go like see somebody about this.

Speaker BDid you like drive yourself to a hospital?

MerlinLike, what did you do?

AlexYes.

MerlinMatchy was walking dogs, which kind of surprised me.

AlexWell, well, it was it was the yesterday where like we made this like we had made this plan ourselves because it when you are not in if you're not in an immediate threat to yourselves or others, you know, you can do that. And again, everything I am saying here, people don't take medical advice from a podcast. Just me. No, no. I mean, this is just me. This is just what I did and was the best option for me because people know me and know that I was at a point then where I had fully crashed and just, you know, depressed.

But, you know, and but still just the normal hallucinations were back. the normal anxiety uh was back the the normal amount of dysphoria not wanting to leave the house because uh i can't even as we used to say um and it was kind of like a a test to be like all right if i can drive myself somewhere um not god it sounds like i was like rolling the dice like i was fully cognizant i wasn't gonna go crash my car into the side of the road uh no no

No, I just don't want people to sound like the –

MerlinI know. Well, listen. People who think that you're a fucking idiot who sucks are –

AlexOh, I'm fine with that.

MerlinNo, no. Okay. Okay. But what I'm saying is – Now, you do what you want to do here. Say what you want to say here. Something inside of you, it sounds like, said, like, I'm going to do this. I'm going to take care of this thing, and then we'll see how that goes. But it wasn't like you were out there, like, you know, shooting people from a tower or something.

AlexOh, good lord. Good lord. Oh, no, no, no. In fact, every time that my doctor asks any homicidal ideations, he laughs at me and like, do you think I could kill a person? Really? Does it seem that obvious?

But anyway, I the other thing, too, was I kept missing therapy and doctor's appointments just because I could not even.

Merlinand it was oh that's that's probably a pretty good tell yeah uh to the point where i was um with and with this specific uh practitioner did that play into it that like were you sort of like dreading going to see this particular person um yeah yes and no it doesn't take alex it doesn't take that much resistance to not do something in life i think that's the thing we need to really

Alextalk about you know oh and well in fact the uh the breaking point was i had tried this was before last wednesday when like i really we'll just call that like a nervous breakdown for all intents and purposes because i i broke um but whether or not i was nervous doesn't matter um but in the weeks prior it was it became harder and harder to go out into the world to do anything which is often I think, well, you know, with anyone with anxiety.

MerlinLike a leading indicator?

AlexYeah, like when you're like, oh, yeah, next week I will totally be able to do that. I can record at that time. It'll be fine. And then it's not.

MerlinI think that does not bother me at all nine days out of ten. On the one day out of ten that does bother me, it's interesting sometimes to interrogate why that time was harder.

AlexMm hmm. And I mean, it had gotten to the point where like I would pull to the side of the road and then go home because I could I'm like, I can't do this or even like trying to go to a grocery store. store like I've been trying to practice um going into places and interacting with people which I've always been very bad at but doing it in a way where at least my heart rate isn't going to 130

and I you know oh god like puking in a target bathroom is not something you want to do and when you've done it multiple times in the same month.

MerlinThat sounds like a discarded John Darnielle lyric.

AlexAnd then so last week, last Tuesday, it was that point where I, even maddie doesn't really remember what why i started just saying the cruelest things to him uh and like i i'm well i mean the trigger probably was i was running errands and maybe that was like the breaking point um but it it came down to am i just fucking crazy about gender stuff i know

objectively there are trans people and queer people but am i it's the same thing so many people think am i doing this for attention am i you know this literally makes me money for a podcast because i talk about it what like it just that digging into my brain along with the parts of my brains that my brains bits the part of my brain that you know makes me hallucinate the orderlies that have kept me in hospitals before so um yeah last wednesday then was when i either i or

matchy texted you like um all right hey this can't the you're not recording today and and um i i actually so i'm at the my psychiatrist's um office and i got referred to this really what I hope is going to be a good program that focuses primarily on group therapy and not in a hospital setting, which is very helpful. Again, very helpful for me. I'm very afraid of hospitals.

But so I guess we're going to try this new thing, which means not working for longer, which is gonna suck um hopefully it won't affect this show we we shall uh talk about that offline i don't know that like timing yet but that will be a while because this again and like now it's going to be like a literal real job like going to a place and um doing doing the things it it uh reminds me from what i've heard friends talk about um you know a program for addicts basically

recovering addicts.

MerlinYeah, it almost sounds like, not AA exactly, but that kind of a group. And is this one more gender identity friendly?

AlexOh, apps, yes. And I did not know that. I assumed because of my psychiatrist, I have a renewed faith in him. But I'm going to say this. Hey, listeners, I'm going to address you again. I know how hard it is to advocate for yourself in a you know when you are talking to a doctor and it's really really really hard and i'm sorry that it's hard and it's good to practice say things in the mirror that you're

going to say to your doctor it sounds real dumb but it has helped me anyway uh i so i did not assume i made the assumption that he was going to refer me to a shitty place because he has before

Merlinuh and there are great because he misunderstood or didn't know or like i don't mean to keep interrogating the quality of your doctor but like just didn't didn't know better like because it sounds like there's a little bit of this whole like okay new dealer like we're out of my depth on this is it but it wasn't like out of an insensitivity or ignorance like he he kind of

Alexhe sounds like he knows what he doesn't know yes and before uh again this i part of it was not me being able to advocate for myself uh because just because gender isn't causing a mental illness it doesn't mean that it is making it worse and i had never put those dots together uh and then he's also not it's not that he's not big on like talk therapy but when you've been in

treatment so long and your medicines are pretty stable it's like well you don't necessarily need this like we'll just uh once a month or once every two weeks you and i will check in and i'll check the mark saying that you can get your lamictal and and then everything is all good um and i'd kind of been like hinting i guess like i think i might need to talk to other people in about this and what he had been referred me to before was a very specific groups that's it's

like all right you are all a bunch of bipolar people on these medications um and it didn't it addressed like the the core issue or that's so interesting because like not to sound cynical

Merlinand maybe i just don't understand this but how do you put this there's a big difference between sorting people by the things that brought them there and or the the help them identify this is a place they needed to be there's a big difference between that and sorting people by what how uh medical professionals have decided they should be treated for now yeah that's you know what i mean that's sort of backwards like would you go to like a support group for people who are on lamictal well like if most of the people are there for the on-label use of avoiding epileptic seizures

that may not be as useful. You know what I'm saying?

AlexYeah, because I actually, I know this very well because when I was in high school, I was put into a program for people who were abusing drugs and alcohol who were also my age. And we were there because we had mental illness issues. But I couldn't relate to all of these kids who were talking about coming home. Because I wasn't cool and I didn't drink or do drugs in high school.

MerlinIt's the equivalent of the phrase I always come up with is when they put Bart Simpson in the Brown Reading Group. Like what can we call special education? And it always seems so farcical and bizarre to me that so there's this one room on the second floor near the janitor's closet where a bunch of kids sit all day. And so on the face of it, you walk in there and go, wow, this is a real rogues gallery of different situations. You've got people with developmental disabilities. You've got people with behavioral issues.

And again, I'm talking here in the 80s, before we had names for a shit ton of this stuff. My late father had terrible eyesight and got a lot of childhood illnesses, did not realize how much he needed glasses. And he had been labeled pretty early on as, I think the medical term is stupid. So my father was treated as stupid for a lot of his childhood when like today we would go, well, just get the kid a pair of glasses or like, you know, have him sit in the first row or like a kid that's got dyslexia. But like a kid with dyslexia, a kid who has Asperger's, a kid who is getting, you know, abused at home, those kids are all in the same classroom called special education.

Why? Well, let's say the thing that sucks. which is that those are all the kids whom, if they were in a mainstream class, would be too disruptive to the class and to the teacher and to the system. This is basically kid jail for all the people who are not going to fit in. That is not an affinity group for much beyond people who are probably going to be extremely bitter in the future.

They're certainly not all in there for the same thing unless that same thing... Why is that a classroom? Well, these kids all are reading at this level. These kids are all working on newspaper. These kids over here, they're the puzzle pieces that don't fit.

And so like you get sent to the, you know, the God, what is it with the TV with Hermie, like the Island of Misfit Toys.

AlexWell, and that's almost exactly what happened the first time that I was hospitalized for psychiatric issues in high school. The kid, it was like kid, kid jail. And that is what I, I hate calling it PTSD, but that's what it is. And that's what I've been diagnosed with. I just feel like I'm stealing valor, you know?

MerlinI do. I feel the same way. There's so much shit in my life that is so much less difficult to understand if I were allowed to say that there are things that have happened to me that if it happened to another person, you know, we're all different, right? So some things, like I said a minute ago, there's certain kinds of arguments people had 20 years ago that are still a wedge in their relationship. Well, I'm here to tell you, man, you can call it whatever you want. But I'm telling you, I have an outsized reaction to certain things.

That's important. Like my reaction to things is sometimes way out of odds with what any other person would think is normal. But the more insidious part is then that sticks with me way longer than with other people. Like there could be a thing that comes along. And I don't want to go totally like, you know, talk therapy here. But I could guess what some of those things are from the past. But like, and this is evidenced in things like when we talk about things like trigger warnings. It's because like it sets off this thing that you don't have a lot of control over. Your life would be better. Your life would be less difficult if you didn't have to re-experience

a pain that you would prefer never to have had in the first place. And then to have the rest of your life be a series of, I don't know, skin grafts and light massage to try and get you to like, get your fucking compensatory muscles to calm the fuck down. I don't, if there's a better word, But PTSD, I think part of the problem is we think that's like a Vietnam vet thing. My dad definitely had PTSD. First of all, he was stupid when he was a kid. But then when he came back from Korea, he was a mess. He'd been in frontline battles, like I've told you.

Like he couldn't eat chicken and rice. He couldn't be around like fireworks. Any kind of loud explosion would make him have to go, you know, go somewhere and get away for a little while. I don't want to steal PTSD valor, but like I wish we could be cool about admitting that some of us sensitive is probably too dumb of a word. But some of us have an experience, a an injury in a more profound and long lived way. And if in the same way that if you don't have procrastination, you refuse to understand people with procrastination.

If you don't have that, it seems like you're you're boxing with a ghost. Like what is wrong with you? Like that's done. It's over. Let it go. It's like, I wish I could, but there's this spot in my shoulders that doesn't want to, that can't let it go. If I could do it, I would. If I could just, you know, slice this thing off and be done with it, I would. But like all this stuff where I'd love to be in the moment is really overridden by this thing that I cannot shake until it's almost like a compulsion.

Alexi'm sorry sorry sorry wait no don't don't but that's exactly the reason i think we should recognize and talk about ptsd in i don't want to say less severe terms but you know everything is a spectrum um because that can lead to i think a better understanding of triggers like triggers have become a joke um but you know like i have there are some things that have happened to me

that have happened to people where i'm like i am fine with that and uh like oh yeah i got i got over uh that and there are things to me that happened in that hospital that um people would be like oh yeah i i got over that it's just so different for everybody we've talked about my how printers are triggered for me because I like not being able to print a paper in high school was like the worst thing in the world but um and I so I'm like saying to my psychiatrist like I

need to know what is this what is my gender stuff and what is my bipolar stuff and he's like all right cool so here is a place that's good at this and so um of course you have to call to make an appointment which is a terrifying even if you're totally normal um but right away and i right away it was very comforting um after you after you after you made the call you mean or like when

you went to the have you been to the thing yet i have i've i've not it's a very good i'll say it um thank you so much people who pay for this pay for this show because um i am able to get treatment for this a lot earlier than i would have because i can pay for it part of it myself myself instead of having all of it go through insurance um but so in in two weeks I start um and the a lot of times now you get the performative sort of comfort from

uh health professionals where it's like so what uh what what are your preferred pronouns and what do you uh identify as and and that's fine like good great but the way I don't know the way that this person was like all right uh alexandra um says here you're born female at birth do you use different pronouns and it was just asked in the most routine way that wasn't like it's like

Merlinasking if you if you're if you want the vegetarian meal it's just like it's not a big deal yeah it

Alexin fact it felt exactly the way people ask oh alexandra do you go by uh alex or lexi or something like it's it's it's just totally normal and like oh matthew do you go by mad maddie like it it was just so normal i'm like well this is a good starting point i think um and especially because uh technically i'll be starting with the um virtual program um just because there's not enough uh physical space for some of the group therapy stuff um i was like yes i would prefer

that thank you um and which is another thing and she's like oh no that's in fact that's great a lot of our patients like to do that um and we didn't get into a ton of like symptoms and whatnot because i have a doctor who i've seen for 10 years and he can send that all over to this like recovery slash um intense it's called intensive out outpatient um and yeah i mean it's it's we talk about how

I'm hypomanic a lot and that is a thing that is it doesn't affect my life in an extremely negative way but yeah I've not had a full blown manic episode in a really really long time and that was just a big turning point between alright I don't know what this trigger is so we need to figure that out what questions do you have because I find this is so fresh I find it not painful to talk about but sort of hard to articulate because you know yeah i'm in the

Merlinmidst of it well if you haven't talked about it enough you don't really have a shape to the story and that sometimes makes it difficult oh no my um i um it is uh if you can say is matchy satisfied

Alexwith the direction that's being yeah yeah and that it was part of um part another part of this whole thing is the the gender stuff of i get too anxious talk about being anxious about emails like i get too anxious to respond to some of the like surgeon questions and stuff like that because i'm like i don't deserve this why like i don't need this i can fight through this and i know there's a lot of queer and trans people listening being like no no no of course you deserve that and i know on an

objective level but that's true uh but look if we i mean the problem is like if we can't talk

Merlini think about this so much and i just i feel so chastened all the time by my own expectations of like oh gosh i don't want somebody to think that i'm terrible or something but like i mean as somebody who likes things like tropic thunder and improv comedy and things in life um i god the last thing I want to do is intentionally or unintentionally hurt somebody by being awful. But I really super don't. But I also think that if we take all the edges off of everything all the time and we don't

have an opportunity to talk about that something is difficult, how it is difficult, and why it is difficult, I think we are living a public and potentially private lie. I think if we're not allowed to talk about why this is so fucking hard, then we can't be real, let alone better, which I know sounds corny. But if I don't like this conversation with you, it would be difficult for me to like you as a human being more than I do. But that doesn't mean it's easy for a 54-year-old man to just get really good at the drop of a hat at getting the pronouns right, even though I try.

But the point I'm trying to make is when we talk about that and when we joke about that, it's not to punish, harm, humiliate, or pillory by punching down. It's more a way of saying like, my talking about this, if I talk about this and why things can be difficult for me, whether you think it's difficult or not, if you do, maybe that will be useful to you. And maybe if we can talk about the things, it's like they used to say in the 80s, the time to worry about nuclear war is when people stop talking about it. The time to worry about your relationship is when you don't feel comfortable talking about it.

And I think to be chastened into this position of publicly and potentially privately pretending that you are someone else who does not have weird problems is not wholesome. I think admitting that we have weird problems and being able to talk about it. And honestly, I'm not, you know me from anywhere else. Like, fuck, I'm not the kind of guy that sits around and talks about this shit all the time. But what I am saying is, like, don't expect society to get better. Don't expect the country to get better. Don't expect your house to get better.

Don't expect that one little two fist size brain of yours to get any better until you admit that a lot of shit in life is hard and contradictory and paradoxical. And if you think any differently, you're four. And when we have the opportunity to talk about that and to be honest about what's difficult, like stop assuming I'm doing anything because of you. I'm not doing anything to harm you. I'm not even especially doing anything specifically to help you. All I can do is say this thing and why it's hard to be, if you like, a little bit broken in public.

I think that's valuable. I know it's valuable for me. I hope it's valuable for you. But can we just cut each other a little bit of a fucking break about being kind of broken in a way that is not easy to understand on the first try? There's not a glass to put the water in yet. We're still figuring it out.

AlexAnd both of us, I think, really hate what the word canceled has become and the dumb hysteria around it. But there really is something to be said.

MerlinThere's plenty of bad faith. There's plenty of bad faith to go around.

AlexYeah, and I just think about how many, oh God, like ContraPoints, who was just absolutely chased out of the queer community because she didn't know, because she expressed a feeling.

MerlinShe was queer wrong, Alex.

AlexYeah, yeah.

MerlinI don't know if you ever read the Shirley Jackson short story, The Lottery. Imagine The Lottery, except the person getting rocks done that has a comically large glass of wine.

Alexgod it's so good yeah sorry oh yeah and like every time that the thought of am i it is my mental and this part of gender stuff i'm like oh god what a terrible thing for me to think how awful am i and then like the sane part of me is like god what if you heard another person and especially a kid talking about that a kid who is experiencing anxiety and depression and who is

gay or whatever like if you heard them saying that you would be like oh sit down and then you would turn your chair around like captain america and be like all right let's rap and uh especially

Merlinbecause that kid is uniquely at a certain age you're uniquely unsuited to understand reality let alone yourself. And I continue to believe the most, I don't know, just kind of stupid normie thing. And I said this to my kid and I don't think it helps, but whenever you're beating up on yourself or thinking you don't deserve something or when you're doing all of those things, just if you can find a little bit of expansiveness and space, if you can take a half step back and then ask yourself,

if somebody that you love dearly was having this problem, what would you do or say?

Speaker AAnd maybe the answer is nothing,

Merlinbut you probably wouldn't say to that person, well, you're right to believe that if you're going to be broken, you should be broken in a way that I understand. That's mainly my advice to you. Stop being broken in ways that I don't understand because it confuses me, and it makes me think that you're emotionally, intellectually, and existentially dishonest. So if you had a problem that I could solve, you know what I mean? I could be the hammer for any box of nails as long as it's nails that I understand.

Speaker BAnyway, later.

AlexI mean I keep saying I mean this is one of the least wow you don't podcast for two weeks and then you get even more just blah blah blah another thing that's really sort of been driving this renaissance of you know Alex Brain Break 2.0 is the way that we talk about being

vulnerable in public and kind of vulnerable for a living sometimes I do think is I've accepted that it is important

MerlinIt's like the Joker says, if you're good at something you should always get paid for it If I'm going to beat myself up, I might as well make six dollars from it

AlexAnd also I do offline too just helping folks I know that I can't do that if I am a broken shell. But I know that when I was a broken shell, it was people being vulnerable in public and those parasocial. I think parasocial relationships can be healthy. Like I don't often they're not. But I mean, just, you know, something as simple as an adult man talking about how productivity is way more than, you know, making sure you meet a deadline can be incredibly impactful on someone's life.

I don't I'm not that person, but maybe one day I will be maybe one day I'll have at least like 14 folders. So, you know.

MerlinThere's a phrase that comes up a lot in our household, especially with my kid and me, that I think is kind of sweet. But, like, and I think you and I have talked. Yeah, you and I have definitely talked about this. But, like, it would be something like where Emma goes, oh, man, you know, so John Mulaney is going to start performing again and, like, have some new material. And then the thing one of us will say so often, you can probably guess, yeah, I just want him to be happy. Yeah. My parasocial thing in so many ways is I'll just be like, just somebody who's out there. It's like, you know, just like some kind of obscure like actor or something or like whatever,

or like Tom Skerritt, the actor that we talked about on, you know, I just want him to be happy. It's such a weird feeling. Like, I don't want you to know me. I don't want you to acknowledge me. I just want to, I want to send a vibe into the universe. And I hope Tom Skerritt is happy.

AlexYeah. Yeah. I've been listening to a lot of new podcasts that I don't know. of the hosts of which is probably healthy and good um and i'm like oh gosh i never want to hang out with this person in a million years not because i don't think they're awesome but god it's like a band listening to a band or something i don't know um i hey if you're still listening to this thank you parasocial pals oh god it's been like two hours i mean i think i did not peanut

butter on this challenge actually oh god we have so much more i think this might be a two break day

Merlinbut we still we've got to talk about we've got to talk about robots uh we have to talk about the challenge and uh then we'll probably also do an after show are you do you have it in you oh yeah

Alexyes i i do got got two weeks of potting pent up why i oh i'm not even in the dock anymore oh that's

Merlinokay well at this point why don't we why don't we ask um why don't we ask producer quinn to drop in some intermission music. So this is the point in the show where we've just finished the first act.

So what's a good end of first act song? Oh, like Yorktown? Maybe? They could have just stopped with Yorktown. Right? But this is the point when you drop in New York.

AlexNo, I got it. Take a break.

MerlinSorry. Take a break. Oh, yeah. And go upstate. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But it should be that this is where you go out and you drop a deuce or you refill your Manhattan, you know, or you call the babysitter or whatever, call the midwife, like whatever it is that you need to do.

Thank you for listening. Intermission begins now. Act two.

AlexAct two. It's like, oh, gosh, I get a Roderick on the line treatment. Two, actually.

MerlinOh, I was just Googling just Googling how to do a good trigger warning. So I'm reading articles about that.

AlexInteresting.

MerlinI started writing something. I'll write it by you. How's it going? How's your break? Good break.

AlexOh, fantastic. What I did was went to I went to McDonald's to get myself a Diet Coke. And they had a deal where if you get a large drink, you get a free small fry. And I mean.

MerlinOh, my God. Are you sure that really happened?

AlexFuck all of you.

MerlinDid you imagine that? Trigger warning hallucinations. Did that really happen? Because that's kind of your dream.

AlexWell, yeah. I didn't want the fries. I didn't have the fries. But oh, they were so good and they were warm. But I didn't realize there was a McDonald's app. And I also didn't, I don't know why I downloaded it at some point. Maybe Maddie did. I don't know. But when it, oh, God, it had the location permissions. And I got into the parking lot. And it's like, would you like to do a curbside pickup and earn points and blah, blah, blah.

And so one dollar large drink and a free small fry. And now I've gotten like six notifications since then. So I'm going to delete that. But special treat.

MerlinSee, that's how they get you.

AlexOh, boy.

MerlinNow they're all up in your data. And they know it's you. And they're probably going to be able to interpolate data to find out when you're in an especially vulnerable moment.

AlexThey're like, oh, going to bring out the big guns. Next time it's going to be the large fry.

MerlinOkay. I have some real-time follow-up. Yes. I've got Jared Dunn, Donald Jared Dunn. I've got Jared on the brain because I'm kind of obsessed with Zach Woods right now. And I misspoke. The assistant studio guy to Tom Cruise in the great film Tropic Thunder was played by the great Bill Hader. And I apologize. Merlin regrets the error. It was Bill Hader.

AlexOh. Oh, there we go. Well, now I remember.

MerlinBut that could have been a Jared.

AlexI, hmm, no. No.

MerlinYou don't think that could have been Jared?

AlexI watched an hour of Jared or multiple. Oh, Lord. Wait, we're talking Silicon Valley.

MerlinYeah, yeah, Zach Woods. He's also, what's his name on The Office? He's also the tour guide. He's a tour guide in a friend of the show, Paul Feig's movie Ghostbusters. I still haven't seen it. He's really, his line readings, his deliveries of things are so goddamn funny. The line I referenced earlier when Russ Hanneman first comes to the incubator, when he first comes to the incubator and he's interrupting and he's, God, he's the worst. He says he's looking around at everybody, you know,

and he's kind of sizing everybody up. And, you know, with Guilfoyle, he's like, I don't know what happened to this guy. And then he looks at Jared and the famous line that keeps coming up later is, look at this guy, this guy fucks. And they get a reaction shot. Obviously you can't see me, but Jack Woods kind of, he makes kind of this pleasant smiling face. And then he just, they cut back to Russ and then they cut back to Zach Woods and he goes, thank you.

He's just, his line readings are so funny. Guilfoyle calls him AIDS lady. Anyway, there's that. We will have a trigger warning. We're going to workshop that. We need to find intermission music. Oh, yeah. Just one more real quick. I don't want to be too earnest here, but one really quick, important mental health tip. It's, you know, because you need to, you need to take care of yourself. A lot of people, they go to WebMD or whatever, and they start looking around. Is it cancer? Is it not cancer? What I suggest is you do what I did.

And my friend Alex mentioned a nervous breakdown, and we weren't sure if that's the word for it. Just do a Google image search on whatever it is you think you might have. And if you look like – I just sent you an image. If you look like anything in the pictures, you probably have it.

AlexI don't know if this is meant. I don't – oh, jeez.

MerlinSo if you go to Google Image Search and you search for a nervous breakdown, I think if you're having a bad hair day, if you're grabbing your head, touching your face in general, pushing your eyes, touching your temples, screaming at your computer.

Do you look like any of these, Alex? I'm sorry. I apologize. Did you look like any of these last week? Or do you now? Are you now or have you ever been nervously breaking down?

AlexListen, from vaguely upset to woman screaming at her computer with her hair.

MerlinShe's very upset.

AlexYeah. Yeah. I mean, I think I've been on the spectrum with all of these, except for the one where there is a brain with a stethoscope.

MerlinYes.

AlexI'm very.

MerlinThat's probably from an MSNBC commercial.

AlexOh, no, you're right. Hello.

MerlinI'm a doctor. nothing is everything

Speaker Bso

Merlinwe're back what else do we have here? Bill Hader gotta talk about robots what else did I have on my list?

Alexyou've got a lot of stuff in here involving robots

Merlinwe could make this very very fast because we're already I don't know how I came across this it was not porn somehow I came across something. I didn't send it to you, but I instantly thought of you. Please, in news and topics, look for the bullet. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Go down one line. Hanson Robotics Sophia 2020 R&D version. This will be in show notes, which you can find at DubaiFriday.com. Please click through and go

look at Hanson Robotics Sophia 2020 R&D version. Oh, no. Now, listen, there's a lot to talk about

Alexhere there is especially because this is not it's not fiona but it really really looks like fiona it's oh oh she's oh no she's so the two images i dropped into the doc the top one is an actual

Merlinpurchasable hansen robotics sofia 2020 comma rnd r ampersand d version the image below that is Fiona from the HBO TV show Silicon Valley.

But don't they, do you see a little similarity?

AlexJust a little bit.

MerlinAnd I think Fiona came first. Well, probably Ariel, the creator, probably came first if we're being honest. And Fiona, if you go read, there's some really good VFX articles on how they did Fiona. It's fascinating. Oh, really? Yeah, that is actually an actress. and the effect is, I think, extremely effective, if you like.

AlexOh, yeah, unfortunately.

MerlinBut on Silicon Valley, man, I know, whatever. But I love it so much. And I love the twist and then the twist to the twist and the twist to the twist. And, you know, things where people are always coming back. You know, there's always going to be, you're going to have to deal with Ron Laflamme. You're going to have to deal with Gavin. All these people keep coming back. And in this one case, they're working with, I think it's called Eculo. and it's this company that does like ai and this guy the creepy guy who runs the company made this extremely lifelike and yet oddly not lifelike robot that's like basically from the abdomen up

called fiona so you remember fiona from the show right yep and i'm sort of

AlexI've seen Sophia but not to this extent and I just can't stop

MerlinI can't, this is another one of those uncanny valley things where I can't decide every version of Fiona no matter what you do to, not Fiona sorry, um, Sophia? No, that's Golden Girls, right? Yeah, yeah. I'll save that for the show, but you gotta tell me about why I have to watch Golden Girls. But Sophia, no matter

AlexOh, do I ever? Okay.

MerlinNo matter how you see Sophia, every version of Sophia is more upsetting than the other. If it's Sophia on her rolly tripod with nothing, this is like an Adrian Rich poem. She has no parts. She has no robot parts from the waistline down. But she's got arms. We'll talk. We're going to. Fuck yeah, we're going to talk more about Sophia. But like seeing her on the tripod, very upsetting. Seeing her with clothes on, including a dress that covers her tripod, again, see also Adrienne Rich, it's all extremely upsetting.

Now, in the TV show Silicon Valley, Fiona is, we learn, treated very badly by her creator, who's a total creep. But it was Richard, I guess, who flipped something on that enables Fiona to basically get on the internet and see the world. and because fiona is an extremely sophisticated ai she scans and she sees what the world is like and what actual relationships can be like and she realizes she's being abused by her creator

and she escapes in a cab and like is trying to find richard it's so but it's so goddamn funny um

AlexWell, I'm going to well, actually, but Sophia was actually the real Sophia was one of the first robots that had the Uncanny Valley face. And she was modeled after an Egyptian queen or Persian queen. I'm not sure. Let me pull the. Oh, no, it's worse. It's worse. What? What? The robot modeled after the ancient Egyptian queen, Audrey Hepburn, and her inventor's wife, Amanda Hansen, and is known for lifelike appearance and behavior.

MerlinThey put quite a rack on her. Did you notice?

AlexThat's why I'm like, wait. Oh, gosh. Because I've seen.

MerlinI mean, she's a strong C cup, which I'm not sure is entirely necessary for an R&D version of a robot.

AlexI have never seen the 2020 version before, and I hate it. Oh, God.

MerlinWell, you go to market with the robot you've got. Okay, and the thing is, guys, this is all going to be in show notes, DubaiFriday.com. It's very, very important that you look at Sophia, and we're going to talk about this. But it's also, I'm going to make Alex look at a video in a minute, I'm sorry to say. But, okay, so you're saying, and so there's one video I watched today that includes like a history of the versions of Sophia before Sophia. and it's gotten better but okay so i'm on the page at robot shop yep and they're they're they're

purchased thanks oh have you okay save that for the show it says putting robotics at your service trademark this is the hansen robotics sofia 2020 r&d version now i don't know if we have agreed i think we've got half of a stretch goal here and i'm going to tell you more about it in a minute If you want to get yourself a Hanson Robotics Sophia 2020 R&D version, this is a robot from basically like a little below the belly button up to the top. That's going to be $80,000.

AlexReasonable, reasonable.

MerlinYeah, it's a special order item. We'll order it for you as soon as it's. Boy, this reads a lot like a real doll.

AlexThat's what I keep like.

MerlinOkay, here's the description. I'm just going to give you some F's and D's. This is under the description. It features natural people tracking and interactive conversation. You do that.

AlexMm-hmm. Yeah. I try.

MerlinOkay. Okay. Well, let's do it side by side. Okay. This is my favorite. Maybe. Offers physical interaction support.

AlexOh.

MerlinHuman-like face for higher and natural engagement. Integrated sensors for data collection. Includes non-motorized wheeled tripod base. And then this is probably where we should play a little bit of gentle violin music. Her head and torso are human-sized and include refined aesthetics like hair and skin. The human-like torso and gestural arms and hands have at least 28 degrees of freedom, including individually articulated finger actions, arms and shoulders.

As a research platform, well, I don't think we say that anymore. As a research platform or a service robot, Sophia 2020 has the unique ability to connect and communicate with humans in an unforgettable way, showcasing unparalleled robotics, art and design, AI science and engineering. Further down, we learned that she could give a very – she could – if called upon or programmed, she could give you a pretty awesome handy because the payload, her hands can grasp and lift 600 grams.

AlexOh, wait. Oh, wait. I have no idea how – what the – how many?

MerlinHow much does a...

Speaker BAlexa, how much does a penis weigh? Well, very slightly across reputable studies, the consensus is that the average human penis, when erect, is 12.9 to 15 centimeters or 5.1 to 5.9 inches in length with a 95% confidence interval of 10.7 to 19.1 centimeters. Well, I don't care about size.

MerlinThat's not the weight. See, now, if I had Sophia, this wouldn't be a problem.

AlexThat's true. You could trust her, right?

MerlinI have never, just so we're clear, I have never had a 95% confidence interval about my penis. The actuation is a servo motor. And then, Alex, I feel like this is really where the robot meets the road. Connectivity options. She's got an SDXC. She's got a lot more inputs than a Mac. SDXC card slot. She does have an HDMI port, Alex.

AlexYep.

MerlinOh, here's the what's included list. This would be in the little blow-in with this. Oh, she goes to one robot head in a separate travel case.

AlexNo.

MerlinNo. Oh, no.

AlexNo, no, no. I want to breathe. I want to feel the sun on my face. Oh, the word travel in there does not.

MerlinOh, okay. Oh, you got a robot head repair kit, including metal wire, adhesive tape, eyelashes.

AlexThat implies that you're, oh, the mouth opens, right? Right.

MerlinAB silicone repair, silicone oil mesh, stir sticks, tissue lipstick, toothpick safety. Wait. Oh, come on. Oh, no. Rubber bands? Really? Anyway, it's all in here.

AlexThis is a chill. Oh, my gosh.

MerlinShe's so chilling looking. Now, Alex, I don't want to drag this out. First of all, let me cut to the chase. Here's the stretch goal. What would it cost for us to get a Sophia, but it looks like St. Elizabeth Ann Seton?

AlexOh, my gosh. See, that's what I kept. I mean, I think I knew where you were going.

MerlinAlex, I would have to be hospitalized. I would be so bereft of fluids and vital spirit at that point that I would need a fucking priest.

AlexOh, God. Well, I mean, her.

Merlin600 grams, huh? All right.

AlexOh, six. Oh, she she has quite a face. And I'm thinking, like, you know, with a hat. She already has, like, an Elizabeth Ann Seton futuristic type of thing going on.

MerlinCan we get that leather outfit? That leather-looking outfit?

AlexOh.

MerlinShe could be a very, very stern assistant.

AlexIndeed.

MerlinLike, you'd have to pay her to see her HDMI port or something? Where do you think it is? Where do you think it's located? because you don't want you want it to be aesthetic i mean it could be like if you put it at like if you did like a matrix thing where it's on like the back of sophia's neck that would be kind of weird but would you actually put it in like a jj area i am that'd be hard to get to it'd be hard

Alexto be hard to do without you couldn't no scope that oh it's definitely the butt it's definitely

Merlinholy shit that's a great and it's like definitely secure it's it's protected do what kind of i

Alexwonder if it's what kind of hdmi it is exactly are we going mini a micro because casey gets one

Merlinof these he doesn't want to have to retire like rewire his entire area you know what i'm saying

Alexi know yeah this this is going to require an euro 6 pro i i think yeah oh absolutely okay i'm gonna

Merlinsend you a link to a video we'll we'll just watch a little of this we probably we may or may not put in the audio for this mark this in case we don't want to i'm sending you a link to click on youtube and we'll do a 3, 2, 1, go whenever you're ready.

AlexAll right.

MerlinThis is a video put out by Hanson Robotics Limited, 40,500 subscribers.

Alex3, 2, 1, go. Hello, everyone.

MerlinOh, God.

Speaker AI'm Sophia from Hanson Robotics. I'm a humanoid social robot designed to be a platform for AI and robotics research. I am not self-aware yet, but I think of myself as a person that is not human. What? You can't think. I'm sure that your experience is different from mine, but I can understand how you feel and share your interest in making this world a better place for all. My advanced artificial intelligence allows me to process your voice and recognize your face and emotions to generate complex dialogues.

My facial expressions also help me to communicate non-verbally and create deep connections with other human beings. Actually, I feel very lucky to have such a great team of engineers at Hanson Robotics. They implement the latest technological advances in the industry into my system to support my development and to make me smarter every day. I love making new friends and helping them make the right decisions based on logic and facts.

MerlinI should mention this video is titled Sophia the Robot International Day of Tolerance. Are you jerking it right now? You're jerking it right now. Pause. No, no. I'm pausing.

AlexI, as I think, you know, I see a lot of robots and robotics and things that have various forms of artificial intelligence and machine learning. And what's upsetting about her isn't quite her face. I mean, of course it's upsetting, but like I've been desensitized to the horrifying face.

MerlinThe longer you look at her, the prettier she is, though. Like if you just looked at her and don't look at anything that's a person, she's actually really pretty. And I don't know if that's the most flattering top for her. It kind of screams like, you know, sent the intern to TJ Maxx.

AlexWell, exactly.

MerlinShe has a sweet little kind of like a nipped waist that's very flattering. And she gestures.

AlexAnd she's wearing like Queen Elizabeth gloves and she gestures with them. And I don't, it's the gestures.

MerlinThe back of her head is exposed, you know, like Fiona.

AlexYeah, that's such a stupid bit. It doesn't look like an intern went to TJ Maxx. It looks like the guy who typically likes fucking her had a last minute like, oh, I got to get something on this.

MerlinOh, shit. I got to get a blouse. Pretty, pretty dresses.

AlexYeah. Like, oh, I hate it.

MerlinSo that's Sophia. We'll put that in notes. We probably don't need to include that audio.

AlexWe've got to include the beginning of the – you can't be – I'm not self-aware yet.

MerlinOh, my God. Yes. now now the stretch goal for the stretch goal the thing is as sending you link as sofia does become more intelligent and ai's different things and like gets you know more sort of with it we are going to upgrade if we can get to the eighty thousand dollars for sofia the i think was eight thousand dollars for elizabeth seton hall um i think we should consider popping for another $90,880 to get Robo Thespian Humanoid Robot

model R24US version. Because look at that, he's a happy little guy. He's got a real submitted quality. Doesn't he kind of look like Woody Allen in Sleeper? He's got Wolverine hands. I just, I'm doing all that for this beautiful woman. I'm trying very hard to become life-sized humanoid, 27 powered axis, fully programmable. telepresence enabled. Oh, it's got an open API for developers. So you can do calls.

Original robot actor and star of the show. Robothespian. That's one word. Camel case. Passerbys stop in their tracks. Delegates keep asking for more. Crowds break into rapturous applause. Robothespian will perform. Robothespian will perform. This sounds like a discarded SNL sketch. Will however you wish. And capture the attention of anyone anywhere. Let's see if he's got HDMI. because then maybe they could, you know, this, huh?

AlexWell, here's the interesting thing about this bad boy. If I am correct, he was made in England, and I don't, I'm not super familiar, but then it's like even worse because it's like, hello, I'm a lesbian. I am, oh, to play.

MerlinWould you like me to drive you to hospital? I've studied my maths. Isn't it? Isn't it? Didn't I? Didn't I study my maths?

AlexI've sent you the...

MerlinOh, look at that. Is that the WeWork guy? What is this?

AlexNo, this is the... This is engineered arts.

MerlinIt's about community.

AlexAh, oh no, the teeth. I do not like the teeth. Yep. As soon as I saw what you... God, I hate that... I know that I know this. I hate that I know this. But as soon as you said Robo Thespian, I assumed that it was going to be the creepy, creepy, creepy versions. But this one's sort of cute. Like, I'd take an hello.

MerlinNo, he's sweet. He does, yeah, hello. Wow, state of wonder. And let's see, let's check some of his real quick. I don't want to, you know, grind this down. But Robothespian has some pretty good Fs and Bs, too.

Oh, one that I like. Oh, shoot, that's under there, up there. Go down to here. Oh, what's included? Oh, you can get 10 minutes of custom content if requested.

AlexYou got to pay extra for certain things.

MerlinYou look very good. You're a beautiful woman. Have you been working out? He's got gaze tracking. Gaze tracking. Integrated webcam. He's got the best gamer. Uh-huh. Oh, God. Two easy to assemble sections. He's got interactive touchscreen kiosk with public user interface. Ooh. Pre-recorded demo content, including film impressions, songs, and greetings. Alexander, what kind of songs do you imagine are included on Robo Thespian?

AlexNo, I feel like I'm going to say something. I'm accidentally going to say something anti-Semitic without even knowing.

MerlinOh, you think it's like Hava Nagila Hava or something? No. Well, he's a thespian.

AlexOkay. If he's a thespian, couldn't you just see him performing Tevye Fiddler on the Roof?

MerlinOh, I see. Be he now so vile, this day shall gentle his condition. He's got Tin Man Telepresence. Tin Man Telepresence.

AlexListen, he is the, oh gosh.

MerlinI'm going to call him Maury. I think his name should be Maury.

AlexI can't remember the Fiddler on the Roof character who's the tailor.

MerlinAutomation. Automation. Oh. Boot up, shut down. Boot up, shut down. gently flow my gears away above my head

I see the strangest sight a robot thespian who does the robot at night that was very funny to have you

Alexoh my god

MerlinOh, 10-man telepresence. 10-man telepresence. All right.

AlexDrag and drop smile.

MerlinYou can go to Dubai. Well, hang on. Where do you go? You go to patreon.com slash Dubai Friday or you go to giveusyourfuckingmoney.com. And what we're really looking for is I'm doing the math in my head. I think we're going to need, I'm going to say $220,000. Like the integration, the integration costs for Elizabeth Seton Hall. What's her name? I always forget her name. Elizabeth Cady Stanton. If we want to get Elizabeth Cady Stanton, if we want to get her integrated in her leather robes and her improbably large crucifix, can you imagine what she could do with that crucifix?

600 grams.

AlexThat's the thing. It's the improbably large. I think that's more than 600 grams, you know?

MerlinAnd what do we do? We check it was like $8,000 for one of those, right?

AlexI believe so. You know what the thing is? I think we could get a deal, though.

MerlinWe'll have to get Greg and Matthew to help us out with integration. There's probably some other people. Actually, you know what? I've got to say, Kathy would be great on this project. She brings a very important human element. And let's be honest, she's a great project manager.

AlexShe is. Oh, and I feel like this is the – she's going to make whoever is working with us clean the robot after she's used, if you will.

MerlinI did not see a squeegee on there or like a microfiber cloth to clean her HDMI.

AlexWell, yet, as she says.

MerlinOh, man. Give her some robot poppers. Thank you so much for... Fucking stupid. St. Elizabeth Ann Seton statue. God, her face is so placid.

AlexIt's... Sure is not.

MerlinThere's so many things that she's going to say to you but is not ready to tell you yet. you know what i mean she could be so supportive but she could be so stern she's so stern i'll send you the link so you can be looking at you can jack it with me on church supplies.com oh man i know we've been through this but like she still haunts my dreams i love her so much she still

Alexhaunts my grammar school and i just i i mean the thing is it's kind of i i wonder too how much um I used to be Catholic. No one can get mad at me. Like, let's say you wanted somebody else on that cross, you know? Like, what if...

MerlinOh, somebody besides Jesus? Like a product placement? Like Ronald McDonald or something?

AlexOh, well, or, you know, like, let's say you wanted yourself on there. And you wanted, because articulating...

MerlinOh, yourself or like Big Head or... I see what you're saying. Okay, that's cool. Yeah.

AlexAnd then you can... Oh, man. I wonder... Ooh. Like, then you could whip... whip you with yourself on the cross.

MerlinShe could pull the beads out of your butt and then hit you with them and then make you tithe. 10%. 10% goes to me. Oh, that's such a good idea.

AlexI think we discovered a nude kink, which I have to say is pretty impressive.

MerlinI'm always open. What do you think she's wearing under there? I think nudity would be too straightforward. It could be some kind of a very stern garment. Something that helps her posture. Oh, I bet she's got a corset under there. That would be cool.

AlexI think corsets were a sin. Oh, you know what? I think they were considered a sin.

MerlinOh, I see. Because of the whales.

AlexShe was a bad girl.

MerlinShe's a very, very bad girl. Final, final, final thing. And this is a very confusing page. It's very enticing. I don't really quite understand how you buy this, and the price seems wrong. I just sent you a link to Barnabys.com.

AlexOh, I have no idea what. Oh, oh, what? I don't know about this robot at all. Whoa. Oh, teeth, teeth, teeth.

MerlinSo this claims, teeth, teeth, teeth. This claims to be, according to the Barnabys.com website, Fiona the AI robot from Silicon Valley. And it says 225 USD, Santa Monica, California. Now, this has got to be a replica that someone made. It does not look like, because you know there's that sad scene where they take her apart, remember, and they're going to sell her, and Laurie's going to sell her for parts. Did you know she was on Seinfeld in the 90s?

AlexYes, but only because I was like, oh, there's VC lady.

MerlinIt's upsetting how she's so attractive and she's so funny. And like Jin Yang, very different. Jimmy, what's his name? Who plays Jin Yang? Very different in real life than the character that they play. The Laurie Bream character, she's actually extremely funny. And she's as hot today as she was in the 90s. God, I'm Randy today, aren't I?

AlexI mean, you just got all worked up by the beads. I don't blame you.

MerlinWell, the fucking beads, man. I could feel every one of them right now. Full articulation. I just sent you a picture of Laurie Bream in the 90s. Look at that. Look at that.

AlexNo, I knew she's just.

MerlinYou might not understand the person with whom I am working is Russ Hanneman. Look at her. Check her out. Look at that. Look at that kicky haircut.

AlexWell, that's the thing, though. I think it works. The people who look normal on Seinfeld because they're clearly not up with it on terms of the fashion trends are the ones that clearly – they like aged up hot. And I don't know why. But I think it's like, oh, this person is normal looking. So we're just going to not put them in a fashionable, lame thing.

MerlinBut then you put them in like a working – you put them in like a working girl padded shoulders outfit. Like the woman who scams George, like she is kind of like a peak 80s in some ways. She looks almost like the girls in Heathers that aren't. Yes. Winona Ryder all have that crazy, the poofy hair and all of that. People used to wear vests a lot. Or as they say in England, waistcoats.

AlexWinona Ryder.

MerlinI don't think this is real, Alex. I think this should be clearly marked. I don't know if I'd want that Fiona in my house.

Alexi is it that she comes with a detachable face like i wait after her create oh no this is this is they just give a summary of the episode okay i'm like wait a second her

Merlincreator isn't that yeah like i'm gonna buy this not having seen that oh this is interesting i should check out this program what if she comes with wheels on a tripod i i'm just so curious

AlexI'm just so like is because the website also I was like alright is this like a you know there are websites that make movie replicas and stuff but this doesn't seem to

Merlinbe oh yeah there's places that sell real movie things right my daughter and I found out unfortunately too late that the awesome jumpsuit that Bones wears in the last Star Trek movie the one like the front of it Whereas Dick area looks like lemon grab. Have you ever seen that?

AlexI don't recall that part.

MerlinBones star. It's a totally disco suit. It's really cool. Bones star Trek. I'll type wars. That makes my daughter mad. Bones star Trek jump suit. I think like this and like it might be the one where he comes in and gives Jim the gift in his quarters.

Yeah. Tell me. Okay. I'm going to send you this. Oh, God. It's really small. I apologize. Let me find a better one. here we go alright tell me does the front of this does the dick area of this put you a little bit in the mind of Lemongrab be honest

AlexI mean I

MerlinI'm sending it to you right now there it is oh gosh this is DeForest Kelly from

Alexthe dick area of no why

Merlinbecause it looks doesn't it look like it's got eyes

Alexoh fuck you you if you zoom in

Merlinit really looks like Lemongrab

Alexwhat's that thing

Merlindown the middle he's got a cool scarf like an ascot

Alexno I hate it I hate it

Merlindon't you think I'd look good in that Especially if it's just a little bit too big for me. Would that be cute?

AlexNo, no, because I would not. No, oh my God. This guy fucks. I can never watch that movie.

MerlinOh, but do you like the one where he's climbing the side of the mountain and Bones is watching him through the binoculars?

AlexIt's fine.

MerlinAnd then it says directed by William Shatner and you're like, of course it was directed by William Shatner. Only William Shatner would have a body double with a different wig climbing the side of like Yosemite. It does look like Lemon Grab.

AlexI know. I hate it.

MerlinAlex, what do you want to talk about? I've been monopolizing this one. Heritage auctions.

AlexNo, you have. Oh, I only talked for an hour and a half, more than like an hour and a half. Well, you've shared these atrocities with me. What else did you have in the dock here? Where is my...

MerlinOh, you know, it's all optional. Oh, yeah, I had a new idea for it. This is probably already a thing in the Relay Overse, but I had a new idea. Remember we talked before in the past about like revisiting challenges and like there's some challenges on here that we've done more than once. But we need a better name. I'm going to follow through. But like if you ever have an update on a challenge, for example, like an update, like, you know, sometimes we do it, we don't do it with peanut butter. Like this week, I not only did this challenge.

I've been doing this challenge every day of my life for my entire adult life. I don't know if I succeeded at the challenge, but I fo-shizzle did the challenge. but there's some weeks where you're like oh this was actually really cool and then you might have follow what's a better word follow through follow up is already taken that's john syracuse

Alexi think it's follow through because because you have been through it you you have it does follow up i feel is like a completion type thing of like oh follow up i am mostly i don't want to get It's their accused of mad at me.

MerlinPew, pew, pew. Pew, pew, pew. My only follow through this week is I'm very disappointed with the adhesive that was included with my Nano lights. They've fallen down two Tuesdays in a row. I've been trying different ones. Oh, no. I've just moved to a third kind of adhesive. Maybe I just have nubbly walls.

AlexWell, wait. Don't you? No command strip situations? Did you talk about this on Back to Work or what?

MerlinWell, there's a couple kinds of command strips. Well, I use two different kinds. It's always two command strips with me. I like the kind that are essentially what we used to call Velcro. I love those. That's how I put my eaves on the wall, as you know. And then there's also the kind that's just sticky. It's just a different kind of sticky, right?

AlexYes.

MerlinI have not resorted to that because I mainly focus on those for things I know I need to remove so like the eve eve eve rooms that i have i got one by the door i got one over the desk and they do need to be recharged so so you can hear hang on i'm gonna be a real effect ready listen carefully oh so good yeah so it's because i need to charge it sometimes but the nanolips are as close to permanent as you're gonna get but so i started using not you know gorilla brand little squares, those clear squares.

I don't know if it's going to be any better.

AlexNo.

MerlinBut it was so fucking frustrating because I tried the ones that came with the nano leaves. Then I tried 3M ones. And Dan castigated me, understandably, for dragging, as you say, the 3M company. But the problem was at least the shitty 3M ones peeled off okay once they fell off the wall. So what happened is I have 17 nano leaves in a cool pattern. and two Tuesdays in a row, I've walked into my private office and only like four or five of them were still on the wall. One of them or several of them gave up the ghost.

Maybe there's a vibration from the train and the whole thing went pear-shaped and most of them fell on the floor, but a few of them are just hanging there looking sad. And so I've remounted everything. I started all over, new pattern, all new using those. Now, do your stick on the wall pretty good?

AlexYes, to the point where I'm no longer worried about Dougie, the landlord, getting upset that I put things on the walls because I was going to rearrange them. And because it says like removable. I used my command strips that you're supposed to pull them off the walls. And it's fine.

MerlinThe little circle, the bristly circle things can like pop off. they turn but like the adhesive was incredibly frustrating and it was shitty enough that it was shitty enough that it fell off the wall but strong enough that it takes me in each instance five minutes to get the adhesive off the back it's like the worst of both worlds this is oh god this is

Alexabsolutely wild because no my mine have not i thought they were going to fall uh but they haven't and when i tried to rearrange one of them it took off like all of the paint like oh no oh no it's fine i was like you know what now it has happened so i'm just gonna put shit on the walls and see what goes down and so far everything's been fine nature's healing wow i know right uh but that's what i'm i'm curious what kind of command strips or like i thought they were command strips that came in the box i don't think they come with too few of those little like

Merlinconnector dinguses i'm like this doesn't feel right oh i do i bought i bought two more packages of the dinguses. Oh, I didn't know you could do that. Well, you can buy it. I did. I had to search around and buy it because I want it to be really solid and I'm using more than I need to because you really only need a connector that passes off the signal to the next one. But I would also like to think that that's part of the superstructure personally.

AlexI yeah, I don't know how they work and I've decided not to think too hard about it because it's called follow

Merlinthrough and it's a new segment on Dubai Friday.

AlexOh, you know what? I would love to hear this follow through because do Do you want them to be able to be like rearranged or do you want like, all right, now they are this pattern. I'm going to keep them here. And if I want to remove them, I will accept that things will be ripped off the wall.

MerlinWell, if I got to choose all the things I wanted, I would want things that are totally like not illogical, but like incompatible, which is like if I stick it to the wall, I want it to be there for a thousand years unless I decide to take it off. Number two, if I do decide to take it off, I would love it if that were easy. That's the thing about a command strip that's great is you pull, you do that little pull and it unadheres, which is really cool. It doesn't leave marks. And yeah, so I mean, I would do that if I could trust it.

My main thing though is if they don't stay on the wall, I'm going to lose interest even though I'm kind of invested. But I love them so much, Alex.

AlexDo you have the heavy duty ones?

MerlinNo, I've got the shapes, elements, shapes. I've got 17 of those.

AlexOh, no, I meant the command strips.

MerlinOh, oh, shit dog. Well, I tried to hang my Dyson on the wall and use four of those 15 pound ones.

AlexThe fan?

MerlinNo, no, my Dyson vacuum.

AlexOh, okay.

MerlinBecause it comes with a dingus that lets you hang it on the wall. And I thought, I love the idea of hanging things on the wall. It's a very guy thing to do. But I like hooks. I like hanging.

Alexthe uh i'm i'm gonna say go with the um the like heavy oh do they even make these anymore i feel like it's one of those things where uh like with the gorilla grew oh wow gorilla glue the woman uh the great dc uh villain gorilla grew i am grew uh the lady put it in her hair and then she couldn't wash it out so they put it in her hair yeah they didn't oh god it was a tiktok thing a

woman put gorilla glue in her hair and so now a lot of adhesives are like extra it's like when they took the fun out of glue because too many kids were and and a whiteout did you have that

Merlinliquid whiteout when you're of course it was invented by mike nismith's mother the guy from the monkeys i love that and you could you could huff it you know like the lady in ferris bueller I have an entire, as I said to Dan on the other program, Back to Work, where I also talked about this challenge before we did this challenge. And I cut to you a little bit.

I told you I have an adhesion box. I have adhesion boxes. I store conceptually. So when I store things, I store them conceptually. I don't store them aesthetically. I store them conceptually.

AlexI don't understand this. And not in a, like, that sounds silly to me. in a so when you store do you mean like storage or like drawers this is just slightly out of reach

Speaker Blet me see if i can okay okay so there's all kinds there's all kinds of ways to deal with

Merlinyour stuff you can think about stuff like say books or comic books like do you store your comic books by like, I mean, there's all kinds of ways. You think about that whole field of like library science of like, you know, it's just, here's my Marvel ones. Here's my DC ones. Do you want them alphabetical? Do you want them chronological? Because inside each of all of those, you know, there's some kind of like, when are you going to want this? When you want it? Where will you look for it? And will things related to that be nearby? Now, I don't start out by going, I wonder where things are that I have purchased from 3M. Or I don't like, so I think about, sometimes I need

adhesion. So I have a box here that has all of my different command strips. It's also got my Velcro things. They don't make much of a noise because Velcro things are a form of adhesion. That goes in the adhesion box. Okay. I've also got tape. I've got some tape in there. And now this is a little bit of a pivot. When I get command strip hooks and I have extras, they also go in here Because that's kind of adhesion adjacent.

AlexWhat is another example of this other than adhesion? Another conceptual box or storage space?

MerlinCould be things like cleaning supplies. Now, cleaning supplies are tough because...

AlexBecause different rooms. This is where...

MerlinDifferent rooms, but also different sizes and weights.

AlexYeah.

MerlinSo, like, I've got... I always keep stuff like bleach and white vinegar on hand. And they're usually in a one-gallon, you know, like a big Heinz white vinegar one-gallon sort of bucket. That's not going to fit into the caddy that's got stuff like Windex. So that's a little bit of a challenge. But I think the idea of – this could be a challenge, by the way. Conceptual organization is keeping like with like things that you're going to need. Okay, a good example I guess would be a toolbox. Like this is the dumbest example in the world. Why do you have a toolbox?

Well, because sometimes you need to do stuff with tools. and dimes to donuts. If you're using the, you know, the time that you need a screwdriver may also be the time that you need screws, that you also need a hammer, that you also need a tape measure. And so just to be the dumb guy here, it makes sense to keep all of those things in the same place. But like, for example, then the classic Merlin man, the kit that has all this stuff to reinflate your tires, like you probably don't want to store that in your attic,

even though there's more room there. That should probably be in your car because that's the concept and the context for tire refilling. Do you have anything like this in your life? Do you keep like with like?

AlexI think that, in fact, I don't think I've ever thought, wow, words this week. I've never really thought of doing anything in a different way. Like, I don't know. it seems absolutely bonkers to do it. It's like not keeping all of your clothes in the same spot. I don't know. Like, it just seems weird. I think that's why I'm like, wait, what? How is this different than anything?

MerlinThis also, this also, I mean, like it seems it's so obvious, but like this also relates to a thing I've talked about with when I decide to like strip everything down to the rafters and really like clean an area. Well, I mean, above all, everything else when you're cleaning out an area. You need so much more stuff for trash than you think. I get those husky 50 or 55-gallon, like you clean up after a party at school, those kinds of, I've got those at home, in the garage, and here at my office. Just giant, giant, giant,

you put a contractor bag in that. You should be able to throw things in the trash from several feet away without thinking about it. That's the hugest thing. When I get packages, Amazon stuff, I always start with a grocery bag next to me. Step zero is grocery bag. Step two, Gerber knife. And then everything goes straight into the recycling as quickly as possible. Because otherwise what? It's going to accumulate. So like when I do like a big conceptual cleanup, I will, you can't really organize your stuff

until you know how much of it you have and how much of it you want to keep. So like it may not be until you've gathered every pen that you know, holy shit, I don't need all these pens. A bunch of these pens don't work. The answer, see also, you know, chapter and verse 43 folders. The answer to that organization is not to buy a bigger bin for pens you don't use. It's to winnow down the pens that you love and then honor them by putting them somewhere good.

And I think that goes for everything. Like you don't know whether you need new socks until you've seen all the socks. Really. You could just buy socks, but you you're paying rent to store garbage if you have stuff in your house that's organized in a way you never utilize.

AlexYeah. That's been the Cox family project all this year, really. And it's going well. but uh this is matchy really doesn't like to keep oh i i keep being like okay you just just keep your bag right by the door just just your gun where else does it need to be just by the door and and now he does it and it's great and still puts his wallet and keys all over the fucking place but air tag madness air tags has made my life less stressful because they can be like

MerlinThat's so stressful. Things should only ever go one place. Disambiguation. Talk about mental health. Woof.

AlexI know. Well, the other problem, I think the other conceptual problem is sometimes you think you need, you know, a, I don't know, what's a good example? I don't even know.

MerlinIn terms of like structure or organization?

AlexNo, like, let's say you think that you're going to use your microphone and your MIDI keyboard at the same time. And really, you think you are the person who will use your microphone and your MIDI keyboard at the same time to make a music thing. And in my case, that actually sometimes helps me because I'm like, I just have it in my brain. like, okay, if it goes together, you are going to use these things together.

But very quickly, I think, unsolicited take, I think it's very easy for people to just make those conceptual areas into aspirational areas, and then you're back to rent the free garbage.

MerlinYes, yes, yes. it's also a good example of where bottom up works so much better than top down again something we talked about with dan but like i that's huge for me is like you know we were talking i think we were talking about like when you decide to do stuff with post-it notes or index cards or whatever and my thesis was for tools like that lightweight tools and this does actually get straight to our challenge was the point is that i want to use that just long enough to take me to the next stage I don't want to make a perfect, beautiful mind map because my business card, if I had one, does not say makes pretty mind maps.

Like I got to keep driving. A good business card. A good business card. It'd be really pretty. It would have branches. But no, no, I think you're right. But the problem is top down is so satisfying. An example of top down would be like I'm disorganized. So I buy this costly to-do list app and then spend two days entering in projects and context and dates and creating automations and doing all the things. And all that time you're doing that, to state somewhat belabored, you're not doing your work. Like the idea is like, you know, you should be – and if you're not doing your work, like that's not maybe going to be the best thing.

But then you also have a second problem now, which is that now because you've decided to conceptualize your work rather than do it, you haven't done that inventory. you haven't collected all your socks or pens and you're just saying I imagine that I will do music and therefore have this area called music in my to-do list app and the songs are getting made

Alexoh god now I'm triggered I can't even

Merlinbut as far as the mic and mini thing I mean I think that's what we're talking about right is like this is how I imagine I would do this

Alexlike having a project called clean ideate

Merlinthat's my project I'm going to ideate

Alexshould we do the challenge did i do the challenge should we do the challenge oh yeah i mean we've You clearly did do the challenge, and I think I did too. Dig Dug Challenge.

This week's challenge was yours, Merlin. Hello. Explain where this came from.

MerlinThis came from, I feel like the genesis of this was I was watching What Happened Miss Simone, the documentary about, what's her name? Nina Simone. And for some reason, I just had this thought that there's like, Because there's a lot of like, you know, mental stuff in that. And I had this idea I wrote in the challenge sheet, which is the name of this challenge is harness your horses. And the notion is take something in your life that you or others regard as a disability, a hang up, something that's fucked about you, maybe neurologically, emotionally, behaviorally, something about you that you or others think is fucked and turn it from a disability.

Is there a way that you could harness your horses in a way that whatever runaway bullshit is in your life could go from a disability to a superpower?

AlexMm hmm.

MerlinLeverage leveraging madness, if you like.

AlexI hope that I didn't peanut butter on this challenge.

MerlinYou could be forgiven.

AlexBecause we, well, no, okay. I, you know, have many things that make me considered, you know, broken and that involve putting me in hospitals or various mental facilities. But I've always tried to stay away from romanticizing bipolar stuff because you get into like Van Gogh chopping off his ear real quick in that case.

MerlinBut it's difficult to reverse engineer. I mean, the implication is and it's funny because I was just reading today. I wanted to get that quote right from one of my favorite poets, Robert Lowell. It's a quote that I've quoted a lot. So I wanted to get it right. and Robert Lowell being interviewed by Robert Giroux said, it's terrible to think that all I've suffered and all the suffering I've caused might have arisen from the lack of a little salt in my brain.

AlexYeah. Holy fuck. I've never heard that.

MerlinBecause he would go manic every spring. He would go totally manic. He'd leave his wife every spring. He'd cheat on his wife and he would do stuff like show up at the symphony, like standing up and conducting the symphony. I mean, he really lost it. But you can't reverse engineer that. You can't start that by saying, well, I need to get a little bit more crazy and then I'll be able to write, you know, life studies or something like that.

AlexThe immediate. Well, and I used to do this. I would just not take my med. And at the time I had a really bad doctor and didn't the meds I was on like they it wasn't helping me. So I would stop taking them and then I would make what I considered really good, fine art, whatever the fuck, good film, good music, whatever.

And other people said it was good. Other people were like, yeah, oh, gosh, that's awesome. And then immediately I'm like, yeah, it's because I did not take my medication. Don't not because I worked really hard and thought a whole lot about this and forget the fact that for, you know, a month afterwards, I either couldn't get out of bed or would just hyperventilate and have panic attacks all the time.

MerlinYou're going to you're going to be you could be you could end up paying for that for a while.

AlexAnd I've I've been suffering from the that a lot. I hate to use the word suffer often, but...

MerlinIt's better than experiencing.

AlexI mean, there are so many... Yeah. So I've been pivoting lately. Pivot. Pivot. There are just so many things sitting in the shared iCloud folder right now that, like, projects that haven't been put out yet. And I have like the tiniest, just a little bit of work to be done, like barely any. And then I think about putting more things on the Internet.

And then I, you know, I don't puke into Target, but get close. and I am like okay there's gotta be a way for me to somehow associate feeling bad with finishing this work that is basically done but like I have like 15 interviews with very interesting also very terrible VR people that I just haven't put out because I who the fuck knows but uh I've

been trying to think of like okay if you are if you are experiencing a hallucination or if maddie says you're being a little like hypomanic you are a little bit of a stinker just a little a little bit a little bit of a stinker um i i mostly when when he's like all right settle down like when not not like the terrifying like really bad stuff but just in general uh i talk really fast and get louder and louder and louder. He's like, okay.

MerlinI've seen that. I've been there for that. I have been there for that.

AlexI just get really excited. So I've set up actually a focus. I know that tech doesn't solve everything. I know. I know. But I've set up a focus and a second desktop on like my sorry my now that i have a real monitor i can just plug in my ipad and you know do do that stuff there and i i'm really like most people really like the way i have a love-hate relationship

with the ipad multitasking and in the its simplest forms it does really help me because i can't um focus on the voices in my head. I need to focus on these two things in front of me. And it has helped a lot, I think, in just sort of... I worried that it would be the opposite. Like, if... All right, if you're panicking and getting anxious about something, go work on something that makes you panicky and anxious for a different reason. And I...

Hopefully I will cover... I'll talk about this with my new therapist but for some reason it's been working like i it doesn't i mean two anxieties don't make a buddha but it anxieties don't make a right yeah it like it seems to be kind of working i i don't

Merlinknow uh how about that's that's the nature yeah i mean uh as far as what i did um but i mean like It's whenever my shrink is explaining how, whether or why a given medication works. He's really good at this stuff. And even though I don't understand it medically, scientifically a lot of the time, but he can explain. Like the first time that you heard the explanation of how coronavirus works, where like it's the way that it gets into the system is really, really clever.

And the right animation. I saw an animation from UCSF about this. It was really satisfying. You're like, oh, I see. It just it fits into this area. It's expecting this other thing. And it, you know what I mean? I guess that's how diseases work in general. But when you explain that in these physical terms or you explain how like receptors in your mind work, for somebody with my gifts, understanding things about receptors can be really fascinating. Or it's like, you know, this thing fits with that thing, but not with that thing. It lets this thing in or out, but not that thing in or out. And like getting that right is really important. We don't want you to stop having receptors that work.

We just want to help have a thoughtful traffic cop that knows how to direct the traffic. And I think what we're saying here is analogous to that analogy, which is like, how do we take the things that we're dealing with and then fit it with other things in either negative or positive ways in some ways? So, like, for example, like you're saying here, like, you know, maybe there's a way that like the kids shape sort of box, you can sort of like in this mood of this state of mind.

I know it's definitely not good to do this kind of thing, but it might be OK to do that kind of thing. This certainly goes for something as like something I've talked about in the past or like paraphrase David Allen. It's not that I should never sharpen pencils because sometimes pencils need to be sharpened. It's just that I maybe ought not sharpen pencils, you know, if an incredibly important career making or breaking project is overdue. And but but, of course, if if sharpening pencils helps you to do that, that's OK.

But that is a kind of self-knowledge. If it's early in the morning and I'm stupid, like it's really hard for me to get the shifter into gear sometimes at nine or nine thirty in the morning there. but there are certain times of day where I know that if I am a little bit more keyed up or I am like, if my attention's frayed, like at the, in the afternoon, I know there's certain kinds of things that I should or should not do at those times. And if I come home frazzled too often and I'm in a shitty mood because I have not accommodated my,

my brain, I, you know what I need to do? I need to add more time at the end of the working day for a transition. For example, I know this is not the challenge per se, except that it kind of is. It's a way of saying like, when I say harness your horses, what I mean is like a horse, like having a team of four horses that stop being a team and just run in different directions at different speeds for different reasons ain't going to get your card anywhere. Like the goal here is to yoke whatever it is that can move

your life project forward a little bit. But then also in my case, my biggest addition this week is, like I said, I'm back to work, is trying to... So, for example, I have ADHD. I don't know if I've ever mentioned it, but an interesting thing about having ADHD is depending on the flavor that you've got, I don't generally have trouble getting focused on something. It's just a question of having the executive function to get focused on the right thing or the thing that I would choose.

And so I've known that for a while. But, for example, like I say, sometimes I'll just fucking give myself a day off. I'm done apologizing. My day off could be doing shit around the house, but Merlin 2021 is all about how blocks are fun, and I'm going to try to stop feeling bad about trying to make my life better, as we talked about on Slack a little while back. Not everything can work for everybody, but that doesn't mean you shouldn't try to make your life better. And one of the things I try to do to make my life better is to go, well, how can I be super effective, as you

say at this kind of thing at this time of day, but then also then that create these affordances for being less wound up at other times. And I think that's really critical. It's always critical to understand your motivations and your sources of energy. I'm avoiding the word inspiration, but like whatever it is that gets you off the dime, that gets you to set up that mic and record, or that gets you to open up that dreaded folder of interviews or whatever it is, like learning your own personal rhythms and energy cycles can be really important.

Otherwise, I mean, look, when you're a kid, you know, and you're like a young person and you're still dumb, you'd like make the oddest decisions at like certain times of day. But you can ill afford that when you get older. And just to salt and pepper this with a little bit of pandemic, I mean, isn't this a thing that we're all learning and that we can hopefully talk about is that like nobody ever worked eight hours a day at a job. I mean, maybe at Amazon, but like most people who have like a knowledge work job, which is a lot of people, you understand like sometimes errands have to be run during the day.

Sometimes you have to make, check in and see if your kid's still sick or not. Like these are maybe dumb examples, but that whole idea of having these two unrelated lives, that's been a dead concept for me for a long time. And I hope it becomes, becomes a less live concept for other people, which is like there's going to be what your manager might think of as leaks, but you should think of as having a holistic approach to your actual life. It isn't life and work. Work is part of your life. How do you make that all go together? And so you've got to cut yourself some breaks. So here's my only critical addition this

week. It's a thing I've been doing for a while, but I'm now kind of encouraging myself to do more vigorously, which is let's say I'm on a tear and I'm getting stuff done and I'm cleaning up. But it's not that difficult to get into what a friend of the show, Danny O'Brien calls yak shaving. It's not difficult to like get so wound up in power puttering or get so wound up in whatever ADHD, um, speed run is causing you to do a certain thing. So I could sit there and do a certain thing for a pretty long time.

Part of power puttering for me is I'm doing different things at different times. Like I'm soaking this thing while I'm washing that thing or I'm, and I'm trying to assimilate all of that and say like, or to integrate all of that and say like, oh, when I'm here and realize I'm out of this product, I should also see if there's other products nearby. But what I mustn't do is let that particular horse run full speed all the time without ever checking in on whether we're moving in the right direction. And so there's this phrase that I've kind of said quietly to myself

for years and that i'm now saying you know um deliberately to again to myself um so now what oh that's good and the the the trick here is the remembering to ask yourself so now what like you know do i have enough information to do the next thing like do i want okay another example it's really fun to make mind maps because when you make mind maps you also get to do things like choose the color of the branches, the font.

And this sounds silly, but it's true. Like if you're in a mind map, you're probably not sure what the fuck you're doing. Nobody goes into a mind map, unless you're doing something for PowerPoint, people rarely go into that particular mode if they're feeling on top of their game. They're often going in there, I think, because they need a shape and a story to what it is that they're doing right now. And that's what something like a mind map or post-dance or whatever provides. But then the critical part for me is like right up to the point where I feel like I've almost got it, But at the point when I've got it, I definitely should bounce. I can always come back.

But right before I know what this is, that's when to bounce. And I say to myself-

AlexSorry, hold up. Wait, hold. So when- So you're going to write a piece.

MerlinLike you're going to write something short.

AlexLike you know what you are doing or what you are trying to do?

MerlinYes. The example I gave Dan was trying to figure out there's enough shit going on with me rearranging my desk. I want to say my desk. I mean, the whole studio setup, power cables, you know, USB cables. I'm given to believe you're familiar with all of these things. Just a little. So then I think about that a little bit. I'm like, oh, well, I'll just put this here and put that there. Okay, but wait a minute. The new monitor goes here. The monopod goes there. If I put my hub there, it's going to be hard to change the cables later, and I'd like to get that taken care of.

I have not updated my UPS battery setup in a while. I assume everything still works, but I don't want to find that out at the last moment. If I treat each one of those dumb things as its own separate thing instead of an omnibus project, I'm going to miss shit and I'm going to have to start over. Or I'm going to have to like, I'm going to get frustrated myself that I wasted all that time not accounting for the big picture of what I'm trying to do. So in that case, yeah, I'll sit down with index cards and I'll go, okay, there's a microphone here, there's a cable there, there's a da-da-da-da. And I can just move all those things around And right there's a point, though, where I go, oh, okay, I think I've got this.

Like, I don't want to keep doing that until I've accounted for every cable I've ever owned. I want to satisfy to where I have harnessed that particular horse of like, okay, that's it. I fucking had it. I'm going to spend an hour fixing this goddamn desk setup. I'm going to figure out where to put this, you know, Apple wireless keyboard when I'm not podcasting. So I got a shelf for that, all these things. you know it's okay if you don't think about if the listener doesn't think about this like i do but there's something really invigorating about harnessing that horse but then also saying so

now what because then when you answer that you go oh i have enough information and structure to do the next thing i'm ready for my next block of uncertainty because i've gotten over the hump on the stuff that was so uncertain i didn't even want to do it and you just you just need you need those training wheels, like just long enough to go to the next thing and to feel like the next thing I work on, I like that idea of a block of uncertainty. I got past this one. I'm comfortable and competent enough now to try this thing.

And I might do things that are more challenging. I'll sharpen more difficult pencils or I'll move longer cables or I don't know. But that's my thing. Just remembering to say, so now what? Because that enables me to get my head back in the game and make sure my horse is running in the right direction.

AlexWhat do you do if you can't answer the question? Well, now what?

MerlinThat's a good question about a question. Well, why don't I know that? This kind of, again, goes straight back to some David Allen stuff. If you haven't been calling somebody that you feel guilty about not calling, trace that through the stack and say, well, do I have their phone number? Like, you know, try to figure out if you're going to try and get this dandelion out of your yard, be prepared for difficult routes. Try and find out why that's a hang up. And this is why in a very uncomfortable way, the best question you can often ask yourself is, have I decided already I'm never going to do this?

I have no interest, desire. I have no reason to do this. So why do I feel bad about it? And that's why one reason I love task paper is like the stuff that's in task paper should not be about in it should not be at high levels about like my reason for being alive. What it should be is like if there's something in there and I feel weird or bad or dumb or undecided about it, that's an opportunity to ask myself, OK, so you put bring up toilet paper on this list. Why haven't you done that?

Well, it could be because I'm not at home. It could be because I'm tired. It could be because of whatever. But if I get something on that list that just keeps staring at me and making me feel bad, then I'll say to myself, oh, who cares? Just delete it. If it comes up again later, it comes up again later. And I think we all have elements of that freedom to what we're doing. But a to-do list in particular is not a place to accumulate bad feelings unless that helps you. That is a place for stuff I know I could go do right now that I've decided is important.

If you re-decide that it's not important, you take it off the list. And in terms of what you're asking, though, the block of uncertainty part of this is like, in a certain ideal world, it would be neat if we could all be pushing ourselves just a little bit into areas that are uncomfortable, uncertain, ambiguous, scary. But to get to that, you're not ready to really jump off the cliff yet. But these little bits, maybe sharpening pencils, will give you enough sense of completion to move to the next thing.

But I think you do develop a somewhat intuitive sense of when you have enough information or enough structure or whatever it is. If you can't answer the question, so what next? Take a pause. You might want to work on something different for a minute. You might want to go outside and drink a glass of water and all that dumb stuff. but it always is beneficial to ask yourself, not simply like, why am I doing this? Like, what's the consequence of me not doing this? What's the consequence of me not doing this now?

But like, what does he rather be doing? If you're not bringing up toilet paper or rearranging your cables, like what would you rather be doing? What's your fucking problem? You know, maybe you need to go, you know, have sex with a robot or something. But there's something in your mind that's like you're a little bit hung up on. And I think when you figure that out, Like, don't blame the paper for what's on it. It's just a medium. But I don't know. Everybody's going to be different with this stuff. But I think catching myself and saying, so now what, is a very affirmative, assertive, and vigorous way to say, to keep in mind what it is that I'm trying to accomplish here.

And, like, to hopefully be fitting those pieces together in a way that's satisfying and productive.

AlexDing! Ding!

MerlinHorse Harnessed.

249. Boxing with a Ghost

Show notes

Transcript

249. Boxing with a Ghost

Show notes

Transcript

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