165. His Name Is Alan

AlexThis is Do By Friday, a weekly challenge podcast with Merlin Mann, Alex Cox, and Max Temkin. This week's challenge, continue the holiday party. This is the after show from last week's episode. Normally, only our Patreon subscribers have access, but we thought we'd give you a treat for the new year. If you'd like to hear all our aftershows, go to giveusyourfuckingmoney.com.

Speaker AAfter show!

MerlinYes, yes, perfect spot for after show. We made it.

AlexWhat a good spot, Merlin. Bravo.

MerlinI'm definitely in for some. I don't know how I can send it to you right this second, but you could also take it out of petty cash, but I'm in. I'm in for...

MaxWell, we're, we're, we, the, you know, this start, the bit started as if one of you guys buys a Mac Pro, I'll buy a Mac Pro for Alex. I'm in for $1,000.

Speaker BIt's not a Mac Pro, it's an iMac Pro.

MaxI bought a Mac Pro. John bought it.

Speaker BOh, wait. Wait, wait, wait.

MaxOn this program.

Speaker BIt's on this program. It's right next to me.

MaxYou know, I bet I would get. I also have a Mac Pro. If I put this on my Apple titanium card, I would get some sick points.

Speaker BYeah, you get, you get 6% back.

MaxWin, win, win.

Speaker BYeah, you get 6% back if you buy it now.

MaxOh, because it's December.

Speaker BThat's right.

MaxYeah. Holy shit. I can't afford not to get this. That's right.

Speaker BYou literally can. The more you spend, the more you save.

Speaker AThat's true.

Speaker BThat's how they get it.

Speaker AYou know.

Speaker BThat's the real magic of retail. Merlin might have some green stamps for you.

MerlinI do. I have S&H green stamps. It's the most wonderful time.

AlexOh, Tiff, how early, how soon can I jump off that dock into the sea and drown? Hey, wait. Hey, wait. Alex, why did you ask what Pink Monkey was?

MerlinYeah, what is Pink Monkey? What'd that mean?

AlexOh, no, I meant like, have you had an experience at Pink Monkey? Because I see...

Speaker AThe strip club in Chicago?

AlexYeah, it's a strip club in Chicago, but I also see their vans everywhere. And I was trying to see if I could get a stripper to come to the office, but it doesn't look like it can.

MerlinA van that says Pink Monkey.

Speaker BWho's stripping at the Pink Monkey?

MerlinSo what does it do? Do they strip in the van?

AlexYeah, they have a stripper pole like in the van, I guess. Are they lady strippers or dude strippers? But primarily lady strippers, from what I can tell.

Speaker ABut are they very small?

AlexHow do they fit in the van?

Speaker AIt's a normal-sized van, Merlin. Well, then, is it a smaller pole?

AlexHere's the thing. You don't need a lot of vertical space. You need horizontal space.

MerlinMaybe I have an impoverished imagination about a stripper van with poles.

Speaker AI feel like the stripping, the van is not where the stripping happens. The van is sort of a transportation vessel for the strippers.

MerlinOh, it's more like an egg carton, an egg carton for strippers. Okay.

Speaker BThey all pile out of the back and immediately freeze solid.

AlexHey, Tiff, will you come to my bachelor slash bachelorette party?

Speaker AYeah.

AlexOkay, good. Aren't you already married? I am already married. However, we did it.

Speaker AAre you just going to have a fun party?

AlexWe're just going to have a fun party.

Speaker AThat sounds good.

AlexThat's literally all it is because, well, no, after we had a date set and a venue set, but then Trump got elected and we panicked. So we're like, the deposit isn't that big. Okay. Yes, yes, yes, yes. Kara Fagan married us, our best friend, for years and years and years. I remember this. Yeah, so we've been married for, oh, God, three years. I'm so fucking old.

Speaker AThat's how long Trump's been in office. You've been married for three years and you're so fucking old? Are you serious right now?

AlexI'm 29.

Speaker ABy the way, I want to go back to the party. Let me give you some marital advice, too. Like, stop. Everyone stop. It's just talking about a party. It's generally not a good idea to say, I've been married for, oh, God. I'm 29 I'm 29

AlexI've never founded a company I don't have children I am a baby in the eyes of the world Don't you have a cat? I do have two cats

MaxAlex, what year were you born in?

Alex1990

MaxAlex, you were born the same year that Toy Story came out

AlexI know No, it came out in 1995

MaxMaybe Rocketeer

AlexI came out I came out the year Beauty and the Beast came out.

MerlinI'm so glad.

Speaker AYou know, they say your life is just kind of constantly coming out. Yeah. That's why you need to take the masturbation quiz.

MaxThat's why you have a Bane mask on the end of your penis.

Speaker AI know.

Speaker BIt's like a Lenny Kravitz had one of those.

MerlinDifficult to urinate into this trough.

AlexI really thought the urinal trough was like a family guy joke.

Speaker AAnyway, wait, when is this party?

AlexWhen's your party?

Speaker AYeah, wait. Can we all go?

AlexProbably. Oh, Kevin, come to. Everybody can come except for Mike. That's what you said. I don't know. I have never been to a strip club. I have never done any of the bachelorette shitty things. And I feel like it's a rite of passage as someone who grew up white in the suburbs. That makes it sound like I've transitioned into someone not white. Cool.

MerlinYeah, I would say going to a strip club. Going to a strip club for the first time is something you definitely want to concatenate with the idea of picking a mate for life.

AlexNo, that's the thing. I've already got.

MerlinYeah, there's no filthy feeling associated with that.

AlexListen, listen. Merlin, I've got all the bullshit behind me. Like, we've got, you know, the shared bank account.

MerlinWhoa, whoa, whoa. What are you, a Bonnie Raitt song? What's happening?

AlexI just don't know. I just don't know.

Speaker AWait, this place is like right by Columbia.

AlexYeah, yeah, that's how, because the vans were parked everywhere.

MerlinThe one in New York?

AlexNo, Pink Monkey.

Speaker AThe Pink Monkey in Chicago.

AlexNo, the fake school we went to.

Speaker AThis place is literally like steps away from my dorm.

MerlinPink Monkey, how much to get in?

MaxRobin Tanner says 30 bucks. I've never been inside of a strip club, but if I did go to one, I would go to the one right by the new I.O. That's called VIPs.

Speaker ANo, if I wanted to go for... Isn't that like a dance club, though? Yeah, that doesn't count.

MaxNo, I think it's a strip club. That's what they call themselves, right? It's a strip club, but it has good parking.

Speaker AOh, well.

MaxIt's so...

Speaker ANo, it's like a nightclub. Yeah, yeah. I went to a strip club once in college on a weekday in Erie, Pennsylvania. Yeah, you can't have a weekday Pennsylvania strip club.

Speaker BIt was just a bunch of dancing cigarettes on stage.

Speaker ABasically, yeah. Yeah, like, I mean, Erie, Pennsylvania is basically made entirely of cigarettes. Let's give them something to talk about. It was not. It didn't make me want to go back.

MerlinDancing cigarettes doing a canned candy party.

Speaker AMerlin, everyone else is, everyone except John is too young to understand that. It's in the way that you use it.

MerlinI want to go to a strip club. I don't. You really don't. But in my, in my, no, no, no, dude. Oh, oh, you do not, don't go there with me. but no.

Speaker AMay I recommend going to Erie, Pennsylvania?

MerlinYeah, I recommend going to a strip club with all of my friends who liked it more than Roderick and me. Whoa, no thank you. Wow, even Roderick.

Speaker ADid I frown on you bringing like a pen and like a pencil and a pad to like sketch them as they dance? Can you just hold still for 20 minutes? Yeah, please hold that pose.

MerlinIt's very interesting. Follow me in my mind palace. It's going to be like a working class, Pennsylvania or New Jersey, like a turnpike you go there and the music is all stuff from the mid to late 80s, it's all going to be like Top Gun. I'm telling you, it'd be huge. The heat is on.

Speaker ABy the way, I was looking up some things, and Alex is younger than the Sega Genesis.

AlexKevin, do you think we could rent out the Dolphin?

Speaker AThe Dolphin is closed.

AlexOh, damn it. What if we rented out a strip club with a bunch of, I would say people we are mutually interested in and just made them play Taking Back Sunday and Dashboard Confessional and made them dance to that for hours.

Speaker ASad dancing, yes. Is Dashboard Confessional sexy? Yes! I was in LA recently, and I went to a strip club in LA. What? It was the very first time I had ever been to a strip club. It's called Jumbo's Clown Room. What? That's not a good name. Hard pass on that one. It's an all-female-owned and operated strip club. And honestly, I was very like, I don't want to go to a strip club. This is wild. And I went there, and I was like, this is cool. Because nobody got naked or anything, but people were dancing, and they were doing cool shit on the pole.

They were doing stunts and shit. Is that a strip club? Were there clowns?

AlexThat's not a strip club, then.

Speaker ABut they didn't get naked naked.

AlexIs that more of a burlesque club? Yeah, that's a burlesque club. Yeah, it's a burlesque club.

MerlinIt sounds like a weird bar. Oh.

AlexLike, we have friends who do burlesque. They're dancing for them, not for you. Yeah, strip club, sad. Burlesque club, happy. Yeah, well, I know this is a problematic opinion.

Speaker ABut it is, like, it has a pole, right? Like, explicitly, there's a pole in the middle. So it's, like, the concept of this is, like, we are doing, like, quote, unquote, stripper things. Where we're, like, spinning around and people are throwing dollar bills at us.

AlexOh, Kevin, you'd be so canceled if this wasn't the after show.

Speaker AAnd they're also firefighters.

AlexYeah.

Speaker AI also, this is the one strip club in L.A. that I, the only reason why I went to it is because I was recommended to it by all of my queer female friends from L.A.

AlexSo basically it was like hot, it was boobs is what you're saying, but you didn't get to see any nip.

Speaker ANo, no, yeah. I mean, it was just like, it was just like, it was like going to a burlesque show. What's the point if no nip? and also it was basically just like going to a dive bar that also happened to have a stage where people were spinning around on a pole.

AlexHere's the thing. Going to a dive bar and then also looking at people who are far more attractive than me of the same gender, does it feel like...

Speaker AYeah, it would just be like discouraging.

AlexYeah, exactly. Yeah, well, it's called life.

MerlinTo take out the dive bar part and add forever, and that's just life. You just see everybody that's more attractive than you. Well, this is why I don't go to L.A. Yeah, that's just me. No.

MaxOh, no, you mustn't. You must not go to L.A. No. Alex is younger than the Power Mac.

Oh, I know.

AlexI know. I'm aware. Trust me, I'm aware.

MerlinSo, wait, 1990, is that right? Does Alex have an iMac Pro coming to her? I don't, thank you. Oh, yeah, what's going on with that? Where are we staying with that?

MaxIt's in my shopping cart, but I thought this was part of a broader bit where one of you guys was going to get a computer. Oh, my God, I will give you money.

Speaker AYou thought this was sort of a suicide pact.

MaxYour credit card boy, I will give you $1,000 American dollars toward that.

Speaker AOh, my God. Matching grant. Matching grant. Who will match my grant? Check out. Check out. Check out. Check out.

MaxWhy don't you guys read an ad for one of your usurious suitcase companies and give the proceeds to Alex? Listen, here's the deal.

Speaker BYou've got money, and we want your money.

MaxYou know what? Actually, wait a minute. I'm outraged that you guys read that ad. You should donate the proceeds to Alex's audience.

MerlinHow dare you? Identify the gender of the iMac. How does the iMac like to be an address?

AlexOh, no, I've already named him Alan. I knew as soon as I got my next iMac, his name would be Alan.

Speaker BAlan? Aren't you the one who didn't know who Alan Alda was in the last episode?

AlexNo. Or Jonathan Petter. No, no, no. He's named after Alan Turing. Of course.

Speaker BMoen says Alan Alda, and Alex says who? The iMac pro. I don't know who Alan Alda is. Read a book. Oh, Marco. You don't know who Alan Ald is

MerlinI don't know what CBS is Is this a figure in computer science or in TV? What is television? Tiff, do you know who Alan Ald is? He's from Long Island

Speaker ADidn't he make those special keys or those wrenches? He invented those weird wrenches

AlexThe Alan wrenches? Oh god, he looks like Mitch McConnell Who the fuck?

MerlinAlright, alright That's why Billy Joel wrote that song It was about being an Alan wrench

Speaker BWho on this podcast knows who Alan Ald is besides me and Merlin? I'm raising my hand right now.

MaxObviously, I know who Alan Ald is. This is a podcast, Casey.

Speaker BAnd Max. All right. It would seem like everyone I asked had no idea.

MerlinDoes anybody here know who Jonathan Penner is? No.

Speaker AHe's the magician.

MerlinHaven't seen it.

Speaker AYes. Exactly. He's that magician that says nothing. Jonathan Penner. Oh, I see. That's a ding.

MerlinThat's a dingo.

Speaker AThat ate my baby.

MerlinOkay. Hey, baby. I made an Inglourious Bastards. My daughter's been watching Inglourious Bastards. It's a very good movie.

AlexWait, wait, wait. Wait, wait, wait. Emma's been watching Inglourious Bastards?

MerlinYes. Oh, yes.

AlexOh, my God. She's so much cooler than me.

MerlinIt's upsetting. She's watching. Well, yeah. Yeah. And now. Yes, and? That's over. No. No. What was the one that got me last night? I don't know. Sometimes these, when we do these things that I call. What did I call it, Syracuse? Anachronisms?

Oh, analog. Chronologies. Chronologies. Thank you very much. We're watching Silicon Valley, and we just started. We're into season three. I had to skip a little bit over middle out, but fast over. Just a little bit. Which was a very – I forgot how very, very funny that scene is. Oh, my God. Zach Woods. Zach Woods, who you love to see him in – what is he? He always plays someone named, like, Jared or Zeke or something like that. He's on Silicon Valley. He's on –

The Oscars? What's the office? Yeah, of course. Is it Gabe? Yeah, Gabe. So he was born the year I started. It's like hugging a skeleton.

Speaker AI love him so much.

MerlinWhat if the GPS could track your child? I could find it anywhere. He was born the month I started my senior year.

Speaker AOh, my God, Max. You did it, Max. I'm so proud of you. Yes. Yay! Ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding.

MerlinMax just put in the chat the image, the order confirmation image. Oh, look at that. That's a lot of money. Oh, I'm not going to give you money for this. That's a good one. Oh, my gosh. That's a lot of money.

AlexThat's a lot of money. That is more money than I've ever seen in a bank account.

MerlinI'm totally in for this. Well, let's talk offline about settling this. Let's talk offline.

Speaker BYou're going to get $469 cash back. Nice. Nice.

MerlinSomething funny. Nice.

AlexOkay.

Merlin469 blazer

AlexI would just like to say alright silence I'm a jazz girl as I would just like to say

Maxthis is so eloquent I'm being moved by your words Alex

Alexsilence this is a jazz girl Kevin and I were actually talking earlier this evening about meeting people from the internet and how it's often disappointing, or rather, I thought that it was always going to be disappointing. But there are so many kind people that I've met in real life who are just amazing. And it's a little bit, it's and hot.

Speaker BIs this about the penis people coming to your apartment?

AlexWhat? Shh, jazz girl. Are you dying? I don't know. It's just, I wonder what it is about podcasts that makes people nice.

MerlinCan I have your computer?

AlexYou're all very nice and I love you. Okay. Resume of this talk.

MerlinAll right. Now, let's get to the important stuff. John Syracuse, if you had to give three words of advice to somebody who's going to be getting a new computer at their home or office, what does she need to do next?

MaxOkay, number one, you're going to leave that sucker in the box for as long as possible.

Speaker BDo you have a place to put it that isn't covered with cat hair? You need to prepare the way.

MerlinPrepare the way.

AlexI have a, yes. You must prepare the way.

MerlinIf you want your buy, buy us a drink.

AlexSo I have a standing desk that literally, so it's from the container store.

MaxAlex, Alex, there is not a square inch of space within a 20-foot radius of your desk. It's completely filled with little bins and organizers. You might have a clutter problem. There's like old Mac boxes just stacked up under your desk. Like, it's a full, there's no room for this computer.

AlexNo, no, I agree. And that's because my parents, you've had this too, right?

Speaker BThat's because my parents, how's that sentence going to end?

AlexWhen your parents decide, like, everything that they've ever purchased for you everything that they've like they think you own they just give it to you like maddie and i are just in the process process of throwing everything away because our apartment everyone goes through

Speaker Athat yep the parents give you back all your stuff and they're like here's everything and you're like

Alexwhat do i want with this you're the one that cares well and that's the thing 90 percent of it is literal trash and then i find like a photograph of me in kindergarten and i'm like okay i guess it's fucking worth it that we're going through all this bullshit. But yeah, we actually, the one wedding present I requested was this desk from the container store, which is the size of a lunch tray, but it is, no, no, no, no. It is 20 inches by 16 inches because that is where you can fit an iMac, a extended keyboard,

and not just a magic mouse, but a magic trackpad, because that was like my ideal setup. And I also have this measurement on my wall in painter's tape.

MerlinThat's your Cinderella slipper.

AlexYeah, no, no, no. Right now it holds a picture of Ray, but there's a paint area, or painted, you know, like painter's tape, of like this area of the wall is reserved for both acoustic foam and a computer if we ever get it here. So why is everyone laughing? We're laughing about the naked Batman. Since the iMac Pro came out.

Speaker BThere's another podcast going on.

Speaker AThere's a second podcast happening. We're laughing about the Batman dick. Still. Still. Let's talk about Batman dicks. I'm not wearing hockey pants.

AlexI'm here for Batman dicks. I swear to me. Especially Christopher Nolan. And, oh, man.

MerlinI think we might be done. I'm not going to bury another MacBook.

AlexMerlin, you fucking know that PowerBook 12-inch was one of the best laptops ever made in history.

MerlinThat was a really good computer. Yeah, I know that was a really, really good computer. Ours are, I discover sometimes are, I don't know, I'm just very lightly organized enough that I will sometimes open a box and go, whoa, the battery swelled in a lot of things. And it's like, ah, I feel like I need to do a Mr. Robot with a drill press. Yeah. I keep him around because I'm like, I don't know what's on there. That could be slightly less controversial porn than I get now, but I still don't want it out there.

AlexWait, do people save porn? It's like hot sauce. Do people save porn on their computers still?

Merlinlike people monsters i i don't know i don't oh no oh you wouldn't know that you're used to the

Alexinternet i truly don't understand how porn works i have no here's the thing what do you like print yours out here no no no okay okay here's what i know about porn look at that look at the hairstyle

Merlinon this gal signed by trump with here's the good news alex you're apparently going to have four terabytes of space to put your pornography on you very shortly. Oh my god. Alex, make yourself a note. So you remember when you wake up first of all, before you go to bed tonight, drink water and take four ibuprofen. Oh no. But also leave yourself a note. Kevin has seen my process.

Speaker AYeah, Alex is so hydrated today. I've been today. Alex took a nap. Alex ate french fries. But also, you should have

Merlina note in the morning or a reminder. You know what I mean? Gotta recover from all that diet

AlexPepsi or whatever. Oh, I already have texted in Matchy a number of times. Oh, in fact, do you mind if I call Matchy? He is expecting... Please do.

Speaker APlease do. It is a yearly

Alextradition now. It is.

Speaker AMarco, did you say Diet Pepsi, you monster?

AlexOh my god!

Speaker AIs it Coke? I don't know. They're both garbage. Who cares?

AlexOh!

Speaker AIs Pepsi okay?

MerlinOh yeah. Who's Alan Alda? Is he a kind of...

Speaker AMatchy?

MerlinI'm confused. Is that something that comes in a bottle?

AlexWhat's New York? Hey, Matchy?

MerlinI'm confused.

AlexYes, Alex. Oh, no, I'm just calling you as is tradition this year. That's all.

Speaker BWe are so sorry, Matchy.

AlexHello, everybody. Yeah. I'm not sorry. Oh, John Syracuse, John, Tiff, Marco, Kevin, Merlin, and Max are all here. And Casey. And maybe a Mac. But maybe an iMac. Wait, who did I miss? Who the hell is Casey?

Speaker AJesus, Alex. And Alan Alda wants to tell you. Fuck me. Casey just bought you an iMac Pro and you forgot it. I forgot.

AlexFuck you, Casey Liss. Woo! Hot Lips Houlihan. God bless. And there might be an iMac Pro. I'm not sure. But would you be, I've invited Tip to our strip club party. Would you be willing to.

Speaker AAnd Kevin. Wait, that was a real.

AlexYes, and Kevin. No, I am 100% having a bachelorette party because all of my friends have been doing it. And I'm like, this is terrible. But also, I know I can do it better than all of you. Please tell me when it is. When is it?

Speaker AThat's a recipe for happiness.

AlexI haven't budgeted it out. The iMac Pro was first. Well, now you don't have to buy that.

MerlinI've never gotten less happy comparing myself to others.

AlexMaddie, did you get home? Hey, Maddie, seriously, did you get home safe?

Speaker AOh, yeah. I'm home with, you know, being a boring adult with a fat cat on my lap watching Netflix.

AlexWait, which show on Netflix? That matters a lot. It does matter.

Speaker AI watched it on Quora, which is Kristen Bell's new show

Alexwhere she... Oh, we've talked about it.

Speaker AOh. We've already talked about it. Oh, well.

AlexGlad you listened to the most popular podcast that I'm on.

MerlinAlex, tell me that she has said hi. You know, I just... I hear you talk

all the time already.

AlexI love you, but... Oh, bitch, please! You're about 90% of the challenge with you. Wow. That's true. Alex is going to get called out

Maxfor this on your podcast.

AlexNo, no, no. I helped me sleep on the floor. They literally helped me sleep on the floor and sous vide de bra. Sleeping on the floor

Maxis more of a one-player activity, though, right? Sous vide de bra is my pole dancing.

AlexAll right. Maddie, I'm going to take a lift home so you can go to sleep, okay?

MerlinGood night, Matchy.

AlexOh, I am enjoying my TV

Speaker Aand it's only like 10.30.

AlexOh, that's...

Speaker ASo y'all have fun and I miss you guys. All of my friends. Maddie, there's going to...

MaxOn Alex's new computer... This is Max. On Alex's new computer, there's going to be a folder called work documents. Don't ever open... Don't ever go in that folder. Please don't open it.

MerlinListen, Maddie, it's so important to stay out of the indexes and directories. Don't go into that at all.

AlexHere's the problem. Maddie also likes Matt Smith. Anyway, Maddie, I love you. Have a great evening.

Speaker AIf you see any Batman content, please avoid.

AlexI will see you later tonight, hopefully.

Speaker AI love you, too.

AlexBye, everybody.

Speaker ABye, Magic. I have a request. I have a request. Yes. I want some magic. Oh, no. I do.

AlexHere's the thing. I meant to bring this up.

Speaker AOkay. The magic is that we just convinced Max to buy his $7,000 computer.

MerlinYeah. I'm still thinking about what happened. And I think you did some ultimate fucking David Blaine shit on him. And he just bought a computer. And you made it happen. And you didn't contribute.

AlexLook behind you, Merlin. Here's the thing. Oh, my God, two of hearts. We were making fun of people who are majoring in improv and majoring in poetry, which are both real at Columbia College Chicago. There's nothing wrong with majoring in poetry. The remarkable performances I've seen in my life are magic shows, like, specifically close-up magic shows.

Speaker ATalk about something you can learn, right?

Speaker BSo real magic or just tricks?

AlexOh, my God. Anyway.

Speaker ATricks are something a whore does for money, John.

MaxOr cocaine. Or cocaine. Merlin, do you have a deck of cards?

Speaker AOr an iMac Pro.

MaxFuck.

Speaker AWait, wait. I'll get a deck of cards right now. No, it's got to be Merlin.

MaxIt has to be Merlin. It's got to be Merlin. It's got to be Merlin or not.

MerlinOh, fuck no. Merlin, I've literally

Alexidolized you for 12 years of my life. Will you please, please let us enjoy a magic performance

Merlinwith you. I just don't know if I have them. After the last time, I got all of them out of the office. Merlin, didn't I give you a bicycle? I even got rid of my oblique strategies cards. I just didn't want to have anything that looked like a card in my house anymore or my office.

MaxWait, are you in your office or are you at home? What are you wearing? I don't know. I don't know. Opsec. Which location are you in? There's a lot of people here in their arms. It's important. Which location are you in? I've got a dog in my office. Fuck. I know I left a deck of cards there. Darling, it'll be okay. Shh. Shh.

MerlinWhere's the deck that I left?

Speaker AYou have to find it.

MerlinThat's the magic. See, but if I go and find the cards, that gives you time to plant something.

AlexNo, it doesn't. Okay. When was the last time I was at your office last?

MerlinSee, Alex, you're what's called a confederate. He just bought you off with a computer.

AlexThere's probably cards in my ass. No, no, no. Listen, in the back of my brain, I know this isn't real. You're just confusing me.

MerlinNo, no, no. Stop confusing me.

AlexHere's the thing.

MerlinWhat? What?

AlexKevin and Max can attest to this. I drink about twice a year. Once is this show and another once is New Year's Eve. And then fun Alex comes out. But the last time I was in your office last and I nearly had a panic attack. So I was unable to do anything nefarious whatsoever because I'm like, why isn't Loopback working?

MerlinYou guys talk amongst yourselves. Search for the cards. There's a couple places I might have cards. I'm going to mute and take off my cans and don't fuck with my office while I'm gone, okay?

Speaker ASo if we're just going down all the things that we want to own, I have like an Amazon shopping cart that's like primed and ready. Send it over. Let's go.

MaxYeah, let's buy some stuff. You got a wish list? Let's go. Link it.

Speaker AIt's mostly anime. Link it up. I'm out. Max is out. I'd be happy to buy someone some kinky anime.

AlexBring it on.

Speaker AIt's not kinky. Oh, I'm going to buy it.

AlexI'll buy you some kinky anime.

Speaker AOh, I thought all anime was kinky. That's manga? I just want to own Paprika and Perfect Blue and Night is Short. It's just safe stuff.

Speaker BTwo of those are pretty kinky. They are, actually. Perfect Blue is. Perfect Blue is really good. That's on Merlin's homework list.

MaxThere's another Batman in this chat. Wait, John, you read anime books?

Speaker BRead? No, we're talking about movies. These are movies.

Speaker ASend over the link. How do they work? I feel like I feel like John and I would have a lot to talk about in terms of media that we need to assign to people.

Speaker BHave you seen Promare?

Speaker ANot yet.

Speaker BEveryone keeps promoting that to me. I feel like it's not my jam.

Speaker AIt's not showing in Chicago right now. I missed it when it was here, and it's out of theaters in everywhere except for Salt Lake.

MaxWhat? I can't believe John Siracusa was a fighter jet guy, and now he's like an anime guy. This is really defying. What's the difference?

Speaker AIt's a mystery.

Speaker BGood anime.

Speaker AThey're loud. They're fast. They're bright. They make fire.

Speaker BIsn't this fighter jets? It's also Colonial Vipers from Battlestar.

MaxDid anyone see that stinker of a Star Wars movie? Not yet. We saw it. Not yet. No spoilers. No spoilers. No spoilers. I haven't seen it. I can't spoil it. I haven't seen it. I liked it. You did? No spoilers, but I thought it was good.

Speaker AMe too. Okay.

AlexThat is a spoiler!

Speaker AI hated it. It was the worst. Oh, it's a spoiler. Sorry, I had an opinion about it. Why haven't you seen it yet? I'm going tomorrow. I'm going tomorrow. Even I've seen it. We woke up at 9 a.m. and had a drink at Alamo Draft House.

AlexIt has been very busy over here at CardsAgainstHumanity.headquarters.

Speaker ADot headquarters. I don't know. Is that a real TLD? It wouldn't surprise me if that's a real TLD. Alex can only think of things in terms of online.

MaxI think I'm not going to see it. I think I'm going to pirate it and then half pay attention to it while I watch video games.

Speaker AOh, bullshit. No way. Someone will be like, hey, you want to go see it? And you'll go see it.

MaxFool me once? Shame on you. Fool me five or six times in theaters at full price? Shame on me.

Speaker AWe'll get fooled again. I would say if you enjoyed... You're worried about full price at a theater. If you enjoyed episodes... $8,000 computer. If you enjoyed episode seven, I think you'd enjoy this. Which one was... Oh! The one before the last one.

MaxOh, the Force Awakens. The Force Awakens. I have the worst opinions about Star Wars, but The Force Awakens was dog shit, and then the second one was quite good. I actually really liked it.

Speaker BI agree that you have the worst opinions about Star Wars.

MaxForce Awakens is not dog shit. You probably won't enjoy this. What? They took a bunch of Star Wars stuff, and they just put it into a blender, and they made it into a smooth, drinkable paste. And it was just like, here's a bunch of nostalgia. You know, it's like the fucking pills from Watchmen. You just take it, and you're like, what is that? A lightsaber? I like that. Spoilers. Oh god

AlexTiff Tiff They wouldn't be saying this If it wasn't the Patreon episode They wouldn't They wouldn't do it Behind the paywall

MaxMerlin did you get a deck of cards? Hide Hide behind the paywall You cowards Yes Look at Slack

MerlinYou cowards Slack Slack Slack Slack God damn cowards I cannot destroy these These are a collector's item

Speaker AThey cannot be destroyed I've opened these just for you Oh how nice You cannot put them in your mouth

MaxMerlin I've never seen these cards But I'd like you to Just in case I put them in some kind of order I'd like you to shuffle them Fuck you Fuck you I just shuffled them Twice Fuck you Okay

MerlinAlright Fucking hate this Alex It's like oh you know Why don't you put your dick Under this rolling pin We're done with dicks

Speaker AHave I ever met Your dick before It'll be okay It'll be okay It'll be okay

MaxAlex

Speaker ADo you have a safe word

MaxAlex I would like you To think of a card Don't say it But just think of it Wait So wait Let them shuffle

AlexOkay I got it

MaxShould I just put these aside Just put them aside We'll need them in a second. Okay.

AlexOkay, I thought of a card, but I shouldn't share it yet.

MaxDon't say it, but I want you to lock in the card so that you're 100% decided on it.

AlexAll right.

MaxYou got it?

AlexI am decided. I'm seeing Kevin's illustrations right now.

MaxI don't want to get into a thing where Alex is changing back and forth. Make sure it's a real card. It can't be like Glibzorb of Glow. Make sure it's a real card.

Speaker BNo, but don't. Pepperdine Blu-ray is $8. All right. Newsflash. You got it? All right.

AlexI'm actually literally looking at a version of this card in a thing that, yeah, yes, yes, I have it.

MaxHey Siri, work lights. My lights just turned off. Is that part of the tour? Hey Siri, work lights. Sorry, illusion. No, it's just an inconvenience I've created for myself. Okay.

Speaker AAnd don't you have to hire some guy to come out to actually change it? Josh.

MaxHey Siri, work lights. His name is Josh Terminal. Yeah, I pay a guy to come and hit the light switches for me. Okay, Alex, what is your card?

AlexThe eight of clubs.

MaxEight of clubs. Okay, Merlin, take the deck. Do not shuffle it. Do not remove any cards. Don't do anything. Put it on your desk by your computer and just hit it.

Speaker AWhat does that mean?

Speaker BJust hit it with your fist. This is just the joy of commanding Merlin to do things.

MerlinJust hit it with your fist. Merlin, spin around in a circle. Do you need to know which X-Men I just did? No.

Speaker APunch Wolverine.

MerlinI just spanked Storm.

MaxNow order my Mac Pro. No stroking. One card is going to go down to the bottom of the deck. Shit. Fuck. What is on the bottom of the deck? I fucking hate this.

MerlinI don't know. Okay. Wolverine, two of hearts. Oh, wait.

MaxYou almost got it. You got the two of hearts down there. No, no, no. Just so you know, it was literally the two of hearts. Okay, well, that's part of it. But hit it one more time. Don't change anything, but hit it one more time. I hate this. I hate all of this so much.

MerlinHit it one more time. It's like a dream inside a dream inside a dental procedure.

MaxWhat the fuck?

MerlinHit what?

MaxHit the deck. Hit it again. I'm impressed. What? What am I supposed to do? And now one card is going to go all the way to the bottom. Do I put Wolverine two of hearts back in the deck? Yeah, sure. and hit it again, and one card is going to go all the way to the bottom. Well, okay, I'll put him on top.

MerlinSorry, sorry.

Speaker AHe likes it on top.

MaxAnd what's the card on the bottom now? Six of hearts. Yeah, it might have gone a little lower. Check under the deck. The bottom most card? No, like under the deck. But where is it on? Your desk? Look under your desk.

What? Did it go down there? No There's boogers and stuff What's down there? Is it in something?

MerlinAh shit Check your jug

MaxI hope the jug's empty Oh Jesus I hope the jug's empty

AlexOh no Is there like a

MaxDo you have like a case down there?

MerlinA case of what?

MaxLike some sort of box or container case Like a computer case

MerlinOh I don't think so I hate this What's down there You win You win the magic

MaxWhat's down there

MerlinI don't know There's garbage in a jug That I haven't peed in

MaxIs there like a Is there like a Is there like a drobo Down there

MerlinOpen up the drobo And look inside No I mean The drobo's put away No I don't see Open the drobo

Speaker BPull out the third drive Take all the drives Out of your drobo Put them in different slots

MaxChange the Change the bumpers on the drives

MerlinI don't know where the bumpers are

Speaker AIs your position correct?

MerlinCan I leave now?

MaxI don't like this You win magic When do you get around to it? Look in that Drobo Why would I look in the Drobo?

MerlinWhy would I look in the Drobo? Do I really have to look in my Drobo? What's in the box? I've got a Drobo But the Drobo's in a box inside a cart And it's far away And I haven't used it in two weeks Merlin, what's in the box?

Max wins. I don't know. So I know this wasn't the trick you wanted, so it's not officially magic. But literally, after three shuffles, the card that I did pull out was the two of hearts. So I'm hating life on that. I'll send that to you.

Speaker AThat's less magic and more you're fully cursed.

MerlinNo, I think I willed it. I think I willed it into being. There's your show art.

Speaker AIt's the power of the mind.

MerlinFuck you. This is horrible. It's the power of the baby. It's prosecutable in Illinois. This is terrible. The power of the babe.

AlexGod, magic turns Merlin into me as a 12-year-old girl.

MerlinLook, I don't, I don't, I don't. I have a 12-year-old, I have a 12-year-old girl. I own a 12-year-old girl. She's fine. That's problematic. I've leased, I've leased a 12-year-old girl to own.

Speaker AI used to own a 12-year-old girl.

MerlinCan't break the seals. You got to take her to the right mechanic.

MaxYou know what I mean.

Speaker AOh my God, that really is the two hearts.

MaxMy internet turned off and on again. Did Merlin look in the Drobo?

MerlinYes. Do I really have to look? No, I will. If you want, I will go over to the cart with the box, and do I have to really look in the Drobo? Look in the Drobo.

Speaker AI would like Merlin to look in the Drobo.

MerlinBut see, that's a misdirection. Then you're going to do something while I'm away from my desk. He's going to fly to San Francisco, sneak into your office.

Speaker AWhat's he going to fucking do?

MerlinEven I am like, what is he going to fucking do? Okay, fine, fine, fine. Hang on. Oh, fuck, I hate this.

Speaker AWhat does it mean to look in a Drobo? If he did this, it would be truly insane. While Marlon is away, what are you doing, Max? It's a card trick. Tell us the secrets. It's magic.

AlexI literally had to write down my... Oh, there we go. I got it. I literally had to write down my card because there's so much fun going on.

Speaker BYeah, we've all forgotten it already, too, so good job writing it down. Six of clubs, was it?

AlexEight of clubs. Eight of clubs. Eight of clubs. Yeah.

Speaker AI don't know. I'm drawing Batman's butt.

AlexOh, thank you. Thank you.

MerlinThis call is over. This show is over. What's in the drobo, Merlin? Merlin, everything is over.

AlexNo. Did he really do it?

MerlinThere's an eight of clubs in my drobo. That is impossible. Don't even start with me. What the hell?

Speaker AYou're fucking lying.

MaxYou are lying. Merlin, what cards are you using? What cards are you using? Ask yourself. Ask yourself who would lie. Who would lie about this? Are you fucking lying? No. Merlin, I refuse to believe this. What cards are you using? because I didn't know what deck you would be using, right?

What card? Fuck you, Max. What's the deck that you're using? The deck. Look, you won. You won.

Speaker BIt's always a red deck, right?

MaxNo, the deck that Merlin's using.

Speaker AHe's using an X-Men deck.

MaxThe point is you psychically ruined. You're using an X-Men deck. But, okay, here, check this out.

MerlinOh, no, no, no, no more. Don't hurt my X-Men. I already got your fucking clubs.

Speaker ANo. Say for it.

MerlinFuck you. Wait, this makes no sense because I thought I, I guess the drives were already in there God, this sucks Hold on This sucks How does this work? How do you imagine this turning out well with a friend? You do this to somebody

Speaker AOh my goodness It's like go check your towels

MerlinYou thought that was clean? It's all about trust Merlin, do you enjoy being in this abusive relationship? I don't know, I guess Okay, Kevin Let me do one more thing

MaxOh no, don't do Kevin Kevin, leave. Kevin, can you say a card?

Speaker AAny card?

MaxAny card in the deck.

Speaker AThis better not involve me.

MerlinThis really seriously better not involve me. Holy fucking shit. I'm so angry right now.

Speaker ASix of diamonds.

MerlinSix of diamonds.

MaxOkay. My whole office is there. Wait, Merlin put it in the... Merlin, in your... Listen to me. Merlin, in your... We need to take your X-Men cards and we need an X-Men target. Is there anything in your field of view that's like a big X-Men target?

MerlinA big X-Men target. I mean, technically Domino was in X-Force, but, like, I do have these X-Men playing cards. Would that help?

MaxDo you have, like, a – is there, like, something you can shoot those cards at? Oh, shit.

MerlinI mean, on my – no. I mean, like, one of my dolls or something?

MaxNo, like a big – like, we need, like, a – Oh, like a – well, like, say, a poster. Like a poster?

MerlinYeah, sure. I could shoot it a poster. Would that help? What do you have? Oh, I've got several X-Men posters right here. Would that help? What's the biggest one?

MaxIs it giant-sized X-Men number one? Okay, Merlin, take the cards, and you're going to shoot them at the giant-sized X-Men. I love that comic. I love that comic. You're going to go and shoot the cards at the thing.

Speaker ADon't.

MaxAnd do it so we can hear it on the microphone.

MerlinI got to shoot, throw it like a Ricky Jay? Yeah, do a Ricky Jay at the poster.

Speaker Bjust spunk your load right on there let me bring let me let me

Merlinhow much time they call loading

Speaker Bloading cards right it's not a magic thing yeah load unload zip teller

Merlingolf smoke prestige all right let me go get it hang on fuck shoot shoot the kids Ricky J the cards I like how this

Speaker BThis magic also involves Merlin making a mess of his office.

MerlinOkay.

Speaker BYou say that, it's not already a mess. A bigger mess, sorry.

MerlinPosters here. I'm going to throw my card at it. Ready? Yep.

Speaker AOkay.

MaxYou did the whole deck? Throw the card at it. Huh? You did the whole deck. Do the whole deck. Throw a whole deck at it? Ricky J, the whole deck at it.

Speaker AWhip that whole fucking deck. Yeah, at once?

MaxLike that.

MerlinOh, okay. This is getting hard to clean up. These are collector's items. These are from the 90s. I see. Listen, here we go. eBay exists.

MaxIt's fine.

Speaker AI'm going to look up how much they cost. Oh, there it goes.

MaxAnd Kevin, what card do you want?

Speaker AThe card that I set. The six of diamonds, right? The six of diamonds was the one.

MaxMerlin, that six of diamonds is in the poster.

Speaker AIn the poster?

MerlinI'm cleaning up my collector's items.

Speaker AI have to get all my statues.

MerlinLet's go look at the poster. Oh, shit.

Speaker AWhat does it mean to be in the poster?

MerlinOh, fuck me.

Speaker Bthis implies some shit yeah remind me never to allow max anywhere near my home you are you are

Alexbanned you're banned from my life oh god he will be burned at the stake check your butt crack what

MerlinWhat you've done to the X-Men. Holy shit, Max. Is there a card in there? Yeah, it's the Six of Diamonds.

AlexWait, wait. What X-Men poster? How's a card in a poster? I was there more recently than Max.

MerlinOkay, so my posters, I've never officially hung them on the wall. So I have pieces of a wood-like thing. I'll send you a picture. It's what my posters are hanging on. Ha ha. And so there's a bulldog clip holding it to that piece of wood. And guess what? There's a playing card that's been there for I don't know how long. Maybe 30 seconds.

AlexFucking bulldog. Wait, wait, wait. You need to send a picture of the postcard. You need to shut it. Because I remember, again, I was entranced. I was entranced by your office. Ten fucking years of this sad, sad, lonely little queer. And I do not remember a large X-Men poster there. And I was, like, taking in everything. What? I have four.

Speaker BI have like four X-Men posters. You have X-Men banner blindness?

AlexPossibly, actually.

Speaker AI don't like the hair on Wolverine's arms. I need to find these playing cards on eBay.

MerlinOkay, this is admittedly I had to re-simulate how I found the card, but I will send you what was there. Max, you're a bad, bad person. That's so fucked up. If I find another goddamn card. Actually, you know what? I literally don't want to know. Oh, my fucking God. I'm going to tear my shit wide open. This is so... If your dishwasher starts to have trouble draining, check the drain.

Speaker BReally, King?

MerlinOkay. All right. Well, there you go. That was fun. Good job, guys. Oh, my God. Tell me this is not real. It was also in my Drobo folded up in the Drobo. Wait.

Speaker AThe fold it up in the Drobo is wild to me because I don't...

MerlinI haven't used the Drobo in years. So, Syracuse, you heard in the second to the last episode about me. You got mad at me for how I do backups. And I'd gone back into the Drobo to pull out a bunch of old photos. I haven't touched it in literally years. It was in a box far away. And only someone who was an extremely bad person would seek out my Drobo. My Drobo.

Speaker BI could have damaged it.

MerlinI think you're hacked.

Speaker BIt could have been blocking the airflow.

MerlinI'm not even sure it's Max.

AlexYou've been hacked?

MerlinThis might be an Ocean's Eleven thing. There might be an Asian man crouching in one of these boxes. Not the Asian boy. It's an Ocean's Nine of Diamonds. Well, like, why did he not get credit in Ocean's Eight? Because, like, he was super important to the plot. No spoilers.

Speaker BOh, was he? I like how you protected the poster from the clip with the, what, the wad of paper towel or whatever. It's very smart.

MerlinOh, my God.

AlexThis is, like, how my landlord wishes that I would hang these up.

MerlinHey, he's vulnerable. Let's have a little fun with it. Let's have fun with the vulnerable guy.

Speaker AI can't find these Marvel, I can't find these X-Men playing cards on eBay at all.

MerlinI think they are from, I'm going to guess, probably mid to late 90s. Well, the funny part, the accidental trick, it's, let's copyright on it. Oh, 2013. It's not so bad.

Speaker BAccidental. 2013.

MerlinOh, there they are. I found them. Accidental. No, the ironic meta magic trick is that the 1 in 52 chance of that first card being a two of hearts, does kind of fuck with my head a little bit.

Anyways, that was fun, you guys. Thank you so much. Happy holidays.

Speaker AOh, you're deciding we're done now? Yeah. Vote you off the island, buddy.

MaxNothing ever ends.

Speaker BNo spoilers for Casey.

MerlinI understand that one. I understand that one. It's okay. It's the spring of 2019, and I thought I had a friend named Max.

Speaker AMy X-Men playing cards new sealed Marvel 2013 will be here on Friday, December 17th.

MerlinThey're pretty cool. 27th.

AlexOh, nice.

MerlinI'll be in the office. These are so good. These are so classic. Before we go, Max, when does Alex's computer arrive?

AlexExcuse me, we're not going anywhere.

Speaker AWhere are we going? Yeah, I'm not going nowhere. I got to pee, though. Yeah, I got all night.

AlexI mean, I'm going to have to pee, but I'm here for the long haul.

Speaker AI also have to pee really bad.

MerlinWhat is this, like 6.14 your time? I get confused. I get confused about time zones. 6.14 there, is that right? Sorry, that was me doing you, Casey. Oh, yeah, definitely not. Who the hell is Casey? I don't understand Earth.

The spinning is canonical for this slice of fear.

AlexListen, listen. We all know that I'm the Casey of Dubai Friday. I'm so sorry. In his defense. Casey from which show? In his defense, he is not that robotic.

MerlinCasey from which show?

AlexCasey seems to have a soul, unlike I do.

MerlinAw, thanks.

AlexYou seem to actually love your children.

Merlinoh uh wait so wait we do have more things to talk about oh so uh who hasn't talked in a while tiff are you there i'm making jokes left and right i'm ready to go do you remember do you remember when michael did the improv like somebody's got a gun remember that and he like whispered

Speaker Aeveryone's here it's like why are your hands behind your head i've literally been taking

Merlinnotes of all tiff's zingers i love the last episode the last episode the thing with kelly and Ryan and the baby. I think it's sweet that Donna Noble gets the baby, but that part's kind of weird, but almost everything about the rest of that episode is exquisite. Agreed. It's so good. What are you talking about? When Jim says, I can't do it, and then Michael walks in, I literally, I know, so good. As in like 11th hour, I literally saw him.

Speaker AGutenprong. Right? Or Gutenprong. Gutenprong. Right. Tell us about your heartiest soups.

MaxWelcome, children. Veronica, I recently rewatched the Michael Scott Paper Company arc. Oh, that's a great arc. It's so good. The one where he's melting down and then Pam's melting down is such a good episode.

MerlinAnd they're arguing over who has what corner of the room. You know, Threat Level Midnight just last week. It just came out. They posted it last week on YouTube.

Speaker AI know. For my show, I think we're going to do a special members episode or something and talk about that one.

MerlinHave you back on? That was so fun talking to you.

Speaker AWe should have a party. I have a new co-host for real co-host. Who?

AlexCan it be an exclusive? Is it Jenna Fisher? Can you text us? Office ladies? Office ladies? I'll put it in the chat.

MerlinI'll put it in the chat.

AlexOkay. Okay.

MerlinOffice ladies is not great, but it is fun. It is fun.

Speaker AWhatever. They took my idea.

MaxYou know, I think podcasts have finally made the big time.

Speaker AUh-huh. Tink. Tink. Tink.

MerlinOh, Brendan's not going to get a pardon. Who? Oh, sorry. I'm thinking about... No, it's not a podcast, but I'm thinking about the guy from Making a Murderer.

AlexOh, God. That broke my heart. Yeah, that sucks. Is that his name?

MaxIs that Brendan Dassey? Did that just happen?

Speaker AWhere are you seeing that? Is that a thing happening right now?

MerlinToday. Yeah, today. Oh, woof. Ouchie. That's so fucked up. No, I don't like that. I don't know how you can watch... I mean, if you could find the unedited footage of him in that room for the entire time he was in that room, I don't know how you could watch that and go like, that's so fucking terrible.

What else are we enjoying for podcast right now? What are we talking about? What's going on?

AlexOh, oh, oh my God. Of course you're wrong about.

MerlinOJ, OJ, OJ, OJ.

AlexYou're wrong about, oh, the Marsha Clark episode.

MerlinThe Marsha Clark, the Kato Kaelin, the entire OJ arc has been so good.

AlexLiterally, Marsha Clark and the whole OJ series is up there with my Syracuse Mac Pro saga slash. Textbook. Textbook. Yeah. It's so good.

MerlinI sent my shrink. I told my shrink about several things this morning when we had our monthly session. I sent him the you're wrong about about Stranger Danger. I sent him the reply all about is Facebook spying on you. I sent him the Huff Duffer on Jim Fairness in the 14-second work year. And I sent him the 12 million phones, one data set, zero privacy. So that tells you a little bit about our relationship.

AlexWell, here's a question. Who here would like to share whether they are seeing a therapist or a psychiatrist?

Speaker AI am. Oh, me and Marco are. Yeah, every Tuesday. Like romantically? I don't know. What kind of work does he do?

AlexKevin publicly sees a therapist.

MerlinHe always makes me look the other way, so I can't tell. I assume he's a psychiatrist. It's called pegging.

AlexI bounce around amongst therapists. Really? But I'm going to make an over... Are you therapist fluid?

Speaker BShe's writing a book.

AlexOkay.

Speaker BThe guide to Chicago therapists.

AlexWell, here's the problem. My psychiatrist basically functions as my therapist because he's been with me so long and knows the history of my family's mental illness and is writing a thesis about it. It's very upsetting. Are psychiatrists not otherwise therapists?

MerlinYeah, I'm confused.

AlexNo.

MerlinAnd also, do you still have to pay even though you're a thesis topic?

AlexOkay, actually, all right, all right. This is an actual learning moment. Okay, okay, okay. Psychiatrists have an MD. A lot of psychologists—

MerlinPsychiatrists are MDs who can prescribe drugs. Yes.

AlexRight. Knew that. Psychologists typically have a PhD or a PsyD, whereas therapists can have anything from a PhD to something involving social work. And that is not me being a cunt right now. I've had amazing therapists who are just like social workers.

MerlinTherapists are like cobblers compared to MDs.

AlexRight. Oh, my God. No. They're not even podiatrists. Yeah.

MaxWhich is also not a real thing. You know what it is? It's like when they're on MasterChef, and it's a bunch of people who are good home chefs. Oh, yes.

MerlinBut they're not ready for the game.

MaxBut you want that dish to be restaurant quality. Yes.

AlexYes.

MaxI know you're the best baker in your town.

MerlinYeah. You can get $180 an hour to say, how do you feel about that? Great therapist. Thank you. Oh, my God. This is amazing. The Kleenex cost extra.

AlexOh, God.

MerlinAnyways.

AlexAll right. Gonna get into identity politics. It's fucking free to see my therapist who's got like a million degrees. To get the fucking 50 cents worth of testosterone, it's $100 a week. Anyway. No, like the way that psychiatry and therapy works is this strange juggling act that only America has. Yeah. Like most other countries, you have a psychiatrist and therapist or you have a just general practitioner and a therapist who tells your general practitioner, I suggest lithium or Prozac or whatever, whatever, whatever.

But here we need to see like two doctors. And I've been seeing I got really lucky. It was a roll of the dice when I was 18. And I just happened to stumble upon a psychiatrist in the suburbs who was awesome and who is just kind of fascinated by me because, like, while mentally ill, that's the least interesting thing about me. Like, I'm broken in so many other ways. And he's just like, so you just don't like talking to people, right?

And I'm like, yes, that's correct. And before this episode, I'm like, Kevin, I need to be in the studio alone and we cannot eat dinner together. Which I feel like isn't that weird because Merlin, after you record a podcast, don't you go and be by yourself?

MerlinYeah, I do. I get quiet. But I mean, yeah. Also, I want to follow up on this because you're a very important character in my family's life. You added a giant amount of value to my daughter's understanding of life. and like well it's like i know i know oh who cares but like oh it was on mac break yeah really exciting but like you are you are you and and maddie both are like you have no idea what a role you have in helping my little person understand the world and like that's i know that's off topic

but it's like you have no idea how much this isn't fair not to mention all the stuff i've said on the podcast well max you come up a lot you come up tons because my it mostly has a cautionary tale Yeah, my daughter's menarche consisted of two of hearts.

AlexDon't create novelty card games. You might be a millionaire.

MerlinSorry, I made it about me, but you rule. Go ahead.

AlexHey, here's the thing, though. Technically, I have drunk texted Emma, so there is that. To be fair, okay, verbatim, I don't still watch the anime a ton, but colon it's and then it's a picture of or a gif of yamper and pikachu rubbing cheeks because they're both electric pokemon yamper is the one who looks like a corgi and they're just very cute it's just like i'm a straight man but basically i'm not sexist i'm not racist

i'm sorry you're talking about your therapist you're talking about everyone doing tonight

MerlinTherapy is good, but you're also describing something that, like, again, I had talked about this with my dude today. It's just that because we're switching insurance. God, this is really interesting. We have the worst. We chose poorly a while back, and we're with Kaiser. And they're hilariously. Kaiser. Kaiser Soce.

Yeah, similar kind of thing. You're not sure what's going on, and you don't want to meet Kevin Spacey. It's a very similar thing. No, we're switching to new. knew how we're in the enrollment period we're moving to a different thing um why am i telling you this because what you're describing is like i don't even have a good analogy for this but like it's funny how we still treat mental health like some kind of anomalous specialty where like if you go to your physician and you're like hey you know i've got this giant fucking head tumor from my head cancer like oh wilson you did the head cancer guy but you're like ah i'm sad a lot and

I want to sleep. And you're like, well, that sucks. Like, we'll send you to this person over here. And that person is allowed to give you the bottle of this many pills every month. But they may not be the best at helping you understand from a more, like, occupational standpoint, like how to therapeutically improve your life. Right? Isn't that kind of what you're saying? Like, you may not get the person. So if you find the psychiatrist who's like, yes, this will be a really good snake to clean out your drain, that may not be the same person who can be like, oh, yeah, so tell me about ninth grade.

Like, those can be extremely different people. Believe me, in Kaiser, it sure ain't covered. And it's like, it's really fucking complicated.

AlexNo, and it's fucking wild.

MerlinBut like your doctor, if you have a physical problem and you're like, oh, shit, you totally have that weird eye cancer and we need to get that out. they're going to like really fast track that versus hmm you're complicated to understand let's yeah grind you through a variety of different russian people that you have a lot of trouble talking to and maybe eventually you'll get a bottle of something god i mean i literally

Alexhad to spend so much time being like yeah my hand has cancer yes it's it's not just mental unfortunately my hand has cancer like and max don't listen to this cards against humanity supplies some of the best health insurance like across the fucking in the comedy card industry they are a leader in this it's amazing and completely comprehensive like so when i tell people like oh your patreon goes to supporting trans and mental health uh like insurance costs

that's not because my employer doesn't provide it it's because it's just not considered part of the spectrum but also you need like three letters to be like yep uh these cells are cancerous the same way you need like three letters to say yes uh this person is trans and it's fucking wild.

MerlinAnd they're not going to solve it that afternoon.

AlexOh, yeah. No, no, no.

MerlinSomeone is going to have to be your health attorney to make that happen.

AlexYep. And again, don't listen to this, but our healthcare provider was so, or our middle lady was so amazing who was like, yes, we're fucking getting you in physical therapy 100% right away. And it could have, I mean, I don't know. It could sound really melodramatic, but this could have fucking saved my life. Like I've been in physical therapy every single day for the past six months or whatever. And like, oh, it's just fucking ridiculous.

Like the fact that I, you know, need to go to therapy every day so that I don't have incredibly debilitating pains. And I had to jump through so many hoops as well as my employer had to pay someone thousands and probably tens of thousands of dollars to jump through hoops just to be like, hey, you see this giant thing that's protruding from my hand? Like, this might not be great.

MerlinYeah, like if that was on your breast and they were like, oh, don't worry, you just need a better fitting bra. You'd be like, really? You know, it's like you run into these things where they're like, they give you the George Costanza, get out of here. And I won't say this on air, but I have an anecdote about a get out of here that turned out to not be a get out of here in my immediate family. A horrible misdiagnosis in my household that was basically caused by that sort of like, oh, you know, this will be fine.

Here's a cream kind of thing. And then it was only that person's interest and knowledge and background coming back to say, no, you really need to look at this. And they go, oh, yeah, that's totally what that is. It's the thing you thought it was six months ago. Well, thank God that's a fairly trivial thing as those sorts of things go. But, like, let's stack that on top of I just hate going to the fucking doctor. John Roderick does not want to go get a colonoscopy. Like, it sucks to go and talk to your doctor.

Alex15 out of 10 about anxiety. Yeah.

MerlinRight. And so, like, when you stack all of that alongside the whole, like, well, let me just doubt all of my own thoughts and reckons about my health. and let me just live inside this anxiety about talking to authority figures. And let's set aside that my doctor's orthodontist was a huge dick who was constantly trying to make us feel guilty about us tightening the retainer wrong. No matter where you go, there's always somebody there doing some power shit on you. And then you are this totally powerless project manager for hopefully making sure your shit works together.

And there's nobody there to help you with that. It's maddening to me. Is anybody still here besides Alex and me? Is anybody still here?

Speaker AI'm just listening to a cool podcast right now.

AlexMerlin, yeah, yeah, yeah. Kevin, you and I are the only people who have health care from an employer right now, right? Everybody else here is self-employed.

Speaker BNot me. I got a job.

AlexI got a job. Sorry, John. John has a real job, too.

Speaker BA jobby job. We got a real job health insurance.

AlexReal jobby job.

Speaker BIt's real, and it's not spectacular.

MerlinWell, Merlin has... You have a health insurance through your wife's job, right? Yeah. Yeah, I won't go to the doctor.

Speaker ABecause they're going to put cards in your ass.

MerlinNo, because if you go to the doctor... Okay, let me ask you this. When's the last time we went to the mechanic and they said you're good? You would imply that I...

MaxTheir job is to generate problems. Yeah, they're getting paid to do stuff. They're not getting paid not to do stuff.

MerlinExactly. They don't get any plus bucks for going nice job. You could probably walk more.

Speaker BI get paid to run tests, though, so there's that.

MerlinIf you're covered for that.

AlexHere's the thing, though. When you're white and in Chicago and your mechanic is like, yeah, I'll give you a discount. This is free. Hey, whatever.

MerlinHey, give me the Polish lady discount.

AlexYou seem like you're hot at work. Yeah. You play that queer card, and then it's like, yeah, I'll recommend you to everybody. and I'm like, yes, do that gender manipulation. I am all for it.

Speaker AMy doctor's cool as shit. He's very nice. He's very old. His hairline is receding, and he tells me that I'm great. And that's it. And then he's like, maybe you should go get an ultrasound at this place. And then I'm like, okay, cool.

MerlinNo, no, that's the problem. It's like with Kaiser, when we go to Kaiser, so we've had several experiences with Kaiser where we go in and it's like talking to your wine mom friend who worked at a hospital once. Where you go in and you're like, oh, our daughter has, you know, the speech thing. She has some trouble with L's and R's and W's. And they're like, oh, yeah, well, let's go through this thing and we'll do an evaluation and let's have a read off these cards. And then very soberly, the person says, yeah, yeah, yeah, there's a lot of things you could work on with this. Thanks for coming in. You're like, uh.

Okay. Okay. So is that going to be like a referral to some kind of like a, oh, no, no, no, no. But, you know, that's definitely a thing you're going to want to work on. So thank you so much for coming in. That happens all the time where it's like it's you go with our people. And this is, again, my shrink said, believe me, what you don't want to do is have your health care provider and doctors be the company that provides you. the quote-unquote insurance for that health care.

AlexOh, hell no.

MerlinAnd I was like, yeah. This is like you. I mean, there's so many things I cannot say on air about this. But like, it's so fucking mental to me that like it's like when you watch MSNBC. Let's say you're the kind of person that watches the Intelligence Committee hearings. And you see that ad for the thing where you're like, hey, do you have an automobile that you need to get to work? Well, at some point it's going to break. You should get this thing that's kind of like insurance. And when your car breaks, we'll pay for it. with the mechanic of your choice. And you're like, oh, I'm not an idiot. Of course, I would definitely want to go buy that.

It sounds amazing because my car is totally going to break one day. And I just have the weirdest feeling that it's going to be real hard to get them to pay for the mechanic of my choice to pay for my out-of-warranty car repair. But what if it's that for your liver? What if it's that for your heart? Where now you have to go litigate the case with somebody. I'm sorry.

AlexNo, this is true.

MerlinIt makes me so fucking mad that, like, we are, like, it's, okay, so have you ever ordered, let's say for the sake of argument, and then I'm going to literally mute. You order something from, let's say, DoorDash, Grubhub, similar. You order it. Nope. Like, nope. Never done it.

Oh, my God. Come on. Postmates, similar. Well, here's the thing. If you order from one of those services, there's basically two states for that service, which is it went flawlessly or it literally cannot be improved or helped in any way. It either goes 100% fine or the entire system, the wires in the system have melted. This is what led me to getting 60-degree milk from Instacart because the guy had put it in his refrigerator overnight.

Like most of the time you're like, hey, you know, my pho got here in 25 minutes. Cool. Five stars. Five stars. You brought me food like I asked. But then sometimes you're just like, wait a minute. You brought it to Marin? You took it over the bridge? And then like there was confusion and then the computers went down and you're like, and there's like literally no way. They're like, wait, we'll give you a $5 credit for a thing. But help me understand what happened. My daughter had a sleepover with six girls and the orange chicken never came. who do I talk to about improving this?

You're like, $5 credit is the only solution for fixing things. 60 degree milk. You know what I'm saying though? I feel like that's the condition for so many things. I say this to my lady friend all the time when the order gets fucked up and they put like we ask for extra meatballs but they put that on the pizza and the meatballs are on the box of the pizza like taped on and you're like, what is this? And like it either goes Totally flawlessly. No cheese left beef.

You either go totally flawlessly or let's try again next week. That's it. But, like, oh, great, let's apply that to my pancreas. That'll be fun.

AlexOh, my God. No, no. I can't believe Boris Johnson's going to be in power. Woo. What a time to be alive.

MerlinSo, yeah. What are we excited about right now? What's going on? What are we excited about? What's going on?

MaxI think we got him this time. I was going to say, can we get a max ruling on the impeachment?

AlexWe got him this time. Seriously, what was up with Tulsi? Yeah.

MaxHe can get acquitted in the Senate and reelected, and then we won't get another chance to impeach him. He'll just get to do increasingly insane crimes with total impunity because nothing mattered the first time.

MerlinCool. Yeah. Pretty fucking

MaxDo you think though I think we'll probably nominate I think we'll probably nominate Biden I think we're going to get a Trump vs. Biden election It's going to be so good He's going to win He's going to have like a huge Well Biden's going to have like a Mondale scale loss

MerlinIt's going to be so good Yeah of course Back when I was a lifeguard Shoeshots cost $45 Popsicle Movies were made Made out of serpentine And And Bananas were a thing You could buy That you could put Put on your head And wear it around

Speaker AWe had to tie an onion To our belt As was the style At the time Zip-dap

MerlinZip-dap Yep A lot of love From movies You're all falling into Cosby again They touch the hairs on my leg Touch the hairs on my leg

Speaker AOr Cosby-ing

MerlinAgain There's a chocolate cake Behind you Jello And my wife Camille is coming in And she's making the face like this You can't Sorry that was my Louis C.K I apologize

AlexYou had to ruin it with two rapists at once

MerlinThe Cinnabon's covered with jizz And it's making the face The pudding pops

AlexThere's a possibility of The Dems overtaking the Senate Right? No

MaxNot mathematically Maybe if many states decede from the union.

MerlinIf California splits into three states, then we could do it.

Speaker AThat would be pretty fucking cool, though.

MerlinIt would be like a hydra. It would be just like nine times worse.

Speaker AThink about it.

MerlinYeah, but you know how we used to worry about Obama not making it to inauguration? Right? You ever think about what if they decided to... I can't even say it. I can't even say it. Like, I'm just saying, like, there's enough nuttiness out there that I could see, like, when you look at the electoral map of the fucking six states that matter, like, I could see some fucking bananas shit. What, militarize or some shit?

Kind of. Or, like, you know, I mean, like, if it were me, oh, I'm not going to say it. But, like, if you were to take out certain people, like, you could change the balance of what is happening in this country. So basically the balance of what is happening in this country is already very heavily because the way we count everything weighted towards certain conservative states. You could fuck up the balance. I mean, like apart from the disenfranchisement and fucking with the elections. Yes, I read the same magazine you do.

But setting that aside because election interference is not really.

Speaker AAre we out of the show right now? No, I think this is the show, buddy.

AlexWe are in the after show.

Speaker AThis is still the show.

MerlinCome on, let's make it funny again.

MaxYay! Star Wars. Guys, we're fucked. The Democratic Party is not going to do Puerto Rico statehood or any of the shit that would make any difference. And even if, by the way, even if we do somehow have some miraculous win, the Supreme Court will invalidate it. Their political, we don't have the votes there.

MerlinNo. The deck, it's basically like if Max Temkin was running your magic trick. We are so fucked. And everything where we're like, well, that wasn't in the rules. You're not allowed to move your knight like that. And like, well, fucking check it out. I got a laser. Like, I can move my knight however I want. It's like there's so many ways that we are mega fucked in the next year. Well, like, even when we're in power, we don't have any power. No, no, no. Because we feel like we're like the ones who almost won the spelling bee all the time. And we, like, really want to apologize and, like, be recognized.

And, like, we don't fight the same dirty way.

Alexand fuck so where are we all going well i mean yeah where are we gonna go where should we go my my first president i was ever able to vote for well any of elected official i was able to vote vote for coincided with obama so when i was 18 so honestly right now it it's not that it felt like coasting but it was like all right cool we're gonna have eight years of this guy that is

stable he's the establishment but a little bit like you know alternative whereas now i guess i i truly always concerned the um believe the winston churchill thing of like oh when you're older you will get more conservative if you're not a anyone who's not a

Merlinconservative anyone who's not a liberal by the time they're 20 is hard yeah hearted hearted anybody's not a conservative by the time they're 40 is hard-headed something like that right and

Alexnow i'm buying like the complete works of marx and i i i don't know it it feels like as i guess what you would call an adult which is apparently me um men are buying you computers so you are anybody with an iMac pro um it's it's a sort of thing of like where like how leftist can i be as a also as a god

if you're actually a catholic oh this is a problem if you're actually a catholic you are left of anybody in the you are left to Bernie you are like way left

Merlinon social stuff?

Alexoh yeah for fucking sure but how many Catholics are actually Catholic? exactly exactly but that's how my brain just works because four years of that what does that mean?

Merlinyou mean in terms of like believing in transubstantiation

Alexor like in terms of no no no no no no no believing in the like heaven we are it is our goal to make heaven a place on earth and is a great episode of blackmail you know what that's worth you know what that's worth less shitty like it's it it is our goal and missions as a possible well they say that in heaven love comes first yeah oh heaven is a place on earth um god my

Merlinfirst concert the go goes yeah good okay so catholics catholics catholics yes catholics

Alexbut it's it's a sort of thing of like i don't know man like ah AOC awesome lover to death but like could I vote for someone like Dolce & Gabbard no like it just makes my skin crawl I like her gray streak

MerlinI love the gray streak

AlexI mean that is incredibly hot that is a powerful powerful gray streak oh man have you ever wished that your significant other would get like a gray streak or a gray like silver fox thing yes

MerlinChip doesn't have to wish do frosting do frosting whoa whoa Wait a minute.

AlexYes. Marco's brave.

MerlinAre you saying Tiff should stop doing a rinse? Let it just go?

Speaker ANo, I'm saying she doesn't have to wish for it because I'm all gray. Marco's gray. Oh, I see. She's all natural. I don't die. No way.

AlexNo, no. Marco, you have gone into adult hair. I can't believe you're all still here. Why is this happening? I know. This is incredibly stupid. Is Casey still here? What is happening? Oh, there's Casey.

Speaker AHow do we wrap it up? How do we wrap it up? I'm running out of white cloths. My butt's just getting better and better. I think we can agree. Kevin, I've got half a bottle, three-fourths of the Tito bottle. It was a small bottle, Alex. Can we get a goop to bring me more white cloths? I might do that. Actually, I really have to piss.

Parmesan. There's a certain wine. The French champagne.

AlexBasically, my hot political take is I want everybody to live as a well-off white person like I did as a child. Because most human beings don't hate themselves as much as I did. So like, anybody who lived with moderately middle-class families and an ability to get an education until college, like, you'd be pretty good.

Speaker AWhat are we growing up for?

MerlinI finished I'm so sorry Quinn Hey Alex do you have any opinions about the Plymouth or Chrysler Prowler?

AlexThis is tough because my grandpa gave my mom what is arguably the worst color but we're also no it's like this orange

MaxI think this, I kind of dig this car. Oh, this weirdo thing. A prowler? Really? I kind of dig it. Wow. I like that they at least tried, someone tried something. Good for them. Someone did try something. I feel the same way about the Cybertruck. I feel the same way about the Cybertruck. I'm not going to buy one, but you know what? Yeah. I'm glad to see someone doing something.

MerlinSo like, there might be a miss, but that shouldn't stop you from a big swing. Good for them. They went for it.

Speaker BI would much rather be seen in a Cybertruck than this thing.

AlexOh! Well, actually, no, maybe. I agree, but that's mostly because I'm like, look, everybody, I'm a robot. But no, I'll bring the prowler to work sometime. I'll be like, Mom, my boss needs me to prowl. Yeah.

Otherwise, my insurance will be taken away.

Speaker AThis feels like a video game car in the same way that the Cybertruck also feels like a video game car.

AlexOh, God. Kevin, your wish list is poor.

Speaker AYou don't have your address on here. Oh, really?

AlexYeah, right?

Speaker ASo I could send your wish list items to myself. Yeah, right?

MerlinSo wait, wait. Are we buying things for Kevin? We're buying on my animus. We're Kevin by Nick PayPage.

MaxWhere's your wish list? Wait, where is it? Oh, Plymouth?

Speaker BOh, shit, I missed all of this. Where are we? Don't forget to add Perfect Blue.

Speaker AHe didn't put it on the list, but you could get that one. I didn't. Perfect Blue is only available $69. You should get that.

Speaker BIt's out on Blu-ray now, I think.

MerlinYou saw it wrong. It's out on Blu-ray. It seems very ambitious. Is there a link in here somewhere?

AlexWhere can we find? Here, I'll put a new. All right, here we go.

Speaker BButts, butts, butts. There's a whole lot of butts and dicks up there.

MerlinPlymouth Prowler. There's so many penises on my computer.

AlexNo, a Plymouth Prowler has nothing to do with dicks.

Speaker AMy shit is all fucked with dicks. Really? Really, Alex?

AlexYes!

Speaker AReally?

AlexThen why is it in this chat room next to all these dicks? Admittedly, I am not familiar with that many penises,

MerlinI think Freud said the absence of a dick is what would make any person want to buy this. Are we out of the recorded show? No! We're recording the show! Send me the goddamn link to Kevin's! This is still the show? This is the after show! We're buying treats for Kevin. Buying treats for Kevin.

Speaker AI thought that ended a while ago.

MerlinBuying treats for Kevin's dick.

Speaker BThere you go. Melania Act is on there.

MerlinOh, Kevin. This is a very not-that-interesting

Speaker Awish list. PlayStation 4 is So, Alex, can you bring me, like, whatever random beers are in the fridge?

MerlinMy wish list is way better.

Speaker AYeah, yours has those horse heads on it.

MerlinA PS4 controller charging station?

Speaker AFor convenience.

MerlinI'm going to send you my list because my list is so much better.

Speaker AYou're like, well, if you're buying things. Can I tell a story that probably only the ATP boys will appreciate this, I suspect. Same for ATP. Can I tell you a bathroom break during your story? You absolutely can. Marco, you do you. It's absolutely fine. I won't be offended. Okay, so this was a wish list that I made literally an hour ago because people were buying things for Alex, and I was like, hey.

MerlinOh, smart. Wow, that is so smart. Yes.

Speaker AYou've got to put that address. I can't send anything. But also these were things that I had browsed and I was looking into. I was like, hey, after Christmas, maybe I'll have a windfall of cash, and I can buy some animes on Blu-ray. Look at all your dolls, Merlin. But the PlayStation thing was the what? I was looking at all of Merlin's dolls on his wish list.

MerlinI do have a lot of dolls on my list.

Speaker AAction figures, please.

MerlinAlso, the Matt Howey ice machine is also on my list.

Speaker AI'm going to go to your oldest wish list item and buy the oldest thing on here.

MerlinNo, please don't. It's going to be something about ideology. It's going to be ideology. Merlin's $1,800 wish list item has two and a half stars.

Speaker AWait, Tiff, you just put mine up there. Peak photographs from the Kinsley Institute from 2001. Oh, is it about sex things? Well, it has like a lady shoving her breasts between a picture frame.

MerlinOh, that sounds like me.

Speaker AIt's only $12.

MerlinI would be into that for the interaction for the, you know, Arthur Kessler would say it's, you know, the collision of two matrices. Yeah, you need to tidy this up. This is a messy list. I've tidied a little bit. It goes back to 2001. Oh, how did you get the end so fast?

Speaker AI scrolled. I'm a fast scroller. See, that's the thing is I just built mine today. Long fingers. And so I've never had an Amazon wishlist before.

MerlinYou're a fake wishlist girl.

Speaker AYes, it's true.

MerlinGod, I used to want books. What is happening? Ah, the funniest one in the room, the lies, Del Close. A Del Close book is in here. Oh, my God.

Speaker ASelf-help, Serenade. Brought to light.

MerlinHey, can I tell an embarrassing story about Alex Cox? Yes. Is that okay? Fuck yeah. That's what we're all here for. Yes, please. Tell the story. So like a year or two ago, Alex Cox was in Florida? Florida. She was in Florida. They were in Florida. And so- So Casey, throw them all out there. She goes by it. She now goes by it. My pronoun is it. They were in Florida. The plural is it.

Speaker AThey were in Florida. And they sent me a text message. And it was actually a picture message. And it was a picture of a very expensive automobile.

MerlinAnd I looked closely and I thought, wait a second. That's a Bentley. Alex is driving a Bentley. Oh, my God. Alex is driving a Bentley.

Speaker AAnd so I said to Alex, do you realize what you're driving? Do you understand what's happening right now? And Alex said, no. And I said, no, no, no.

MerlinDo you really realize what's happening right now? No. You're driving like a $150,000 car. What?

AlexOh, no. Are you telling this story that I told you in confidence? Welcome back, Alex.

MerlinBut like an older classic? No, it wasn't a classic Bentley. It was a new Bentley. But still, Alex was in a Bentley. $150,000 Bentley. And was like, wait, what? This is $150,000? No. No way.

Alexwhen i try to explain to my to people like what my family is like i'm like you know how you read the jungle um my grandma and grandpa are the baddies and they're the ones that upton sinclair didn't like yeah they're they're the bad baddies who i don't think i know they have a bunch of union workers so i don't think they like busted unions or anything but oh i don't know i just am uh Glad that Mr. Max Stempkin, who I love dearly as a friend and employer, gave me a job so I don't need to be working at the Kaminsky Meats pork pecking plant.

Yeah.

MaxWhat kind of health plan do they offer?

AlexOh, actually. Is it Kaiser? It was slightly better than cards. However, we were on the family exclusive plan. So it was different. they were paying for family and not i i assume it was something like what marco pays for because you don't pay for a business you pay as an individual with a family yeah right yeah it's a ridiculous amount of money per month yeah yeah it was it was fucking bonkers and they were like

oh alex gets to go off this oh hello well and like the enthusiasm in my family's voice was i've never seen it they're finally happy again they're like oh wait what um although although they still pay for my cell phone bill and i thought for a long time i'm like okay okay no no no no all the phone calls you make everybody all right everyone calm down the the the you calm down

My mom had the... You clammed down. All right. All right. All right. Clammed down. Clammed down. Clammed down. Listen, let's calm the privilege down. My mom and grandma had the first iPhones, right? So I inherited that iPhone plan. So I am grandfathered into the unlimited...

MerlinYou're still in? You're still grandfathered in on data? Holy shit. Yep. I accidentally lost that a few years ago, and I was so goddamn mad. I did not know. Because they're not empowered or required to say, oh, by the way, you, OG AT&T man, will be un-grandfathered when you change the plan.

AlexOh, yeah. God damn it. I am like a fucking snake at the AT&T store. I'm like, what are you doing? What are you doing? Fucking no, no, no. No, no, no. I want this. I want this. So, yeah, I keep that. However, I'm like, Mom, why won't you just let me pay like the 30 bucks a month for the plan? But that is something that my mom can hold over my head, which I think she should be allowed to do after everything she has given me.

And I'm like, you know what? Okay, you were the one who gave me this unlimited data plan in the first place. you can you can give me shit about not coming to like the thanksgiving pre-pre dinner with the third cousins like you know what the thanksgiving pre-pre oh merlin we have so many thanksgivings

Merlinoh no does your family do a lot of that i'm sorry there are 20 grandchildren do they do a lot of the

Speaker Aassignment of guilt is that a thing i want to wishlist shame i want to wishlist shame merlin because I'm trying to buy you this Wolverine and you don't have an address.

AlexOh, I sure do. Wait, Kevin, I'll help you with this. No, I sure do.

MerlinWait, no, no, I do. How did you want to dress? God damn it. Don't buy me the Wolverine.

AlexKevin, what did I miss?

MerlinYou guys should gang up and buy me the Cersei. The Cersei?

AlexWhat is that, a sex doll?

MerlinBuy me the Cersei. Oh, boy. Buy me the Cersei. I'm sipping my wine. Sipping my wine as I look out the window

Speaker A3-0 Game of Thrones Cersei Lannister

MerlinOh the homosexuals Are buying me a Cersei

Speaker AMax's wish list is also in the chat Wait shit I don't actually want any of this stuff

MaxThat's the problem

Speaker AYeah I say we all do Then why did you put any wish list

MaxWait didn't Alex buy A Balmuda toaster oven for our show Yes but Alex sent it back to the office And it was just destroyed It was just, there was fucking glass and heating elements like all in the box. And Alex just puts it on my desk and goes, here's that toaster you wanted to check out. And I was like, and I opened it up and I was like, cool.

AlexYeah. All right. It didn't seem to work that well. I did pay with that for.

MerlinYou were forbidden from buying me things from my list.

AlexAll right. I paid with that for my own money though because I felt like. Are you sure you don't want the Circe? After some three men made me be on stage and it was incredibly awkward, I was like, well. Everyone's getting Hatchimals. You know what?

MerlinAt least last year, the conversation broke off into two parts.

Speaker AOh, God.

MerlinKevin, I'm glad to be your friend. Don't buy me a Cersei or a Wolverine.

Speaker ANo, I cannot afford a Cersei for $150. Oh, my God.

MerlinGet Max to buy it from my work.

AlexWhat would you do with this?

MaxMarco and Tiff, what are the big toys in your house right now? It's Minecraft everything.

Speaker AHe entered his Minecraft phase.

MaxDoes he play the Minecraft game, or is he just into the IP?

Speaker ANo, no. He's super into the game, and we're in that 10-year phase of his life now, I guess.

MaxYep, and Lego. Minecraft is great. You guys don't dig it? I like Minecraft.

MerlinI don't know much about it, but I don't have any problem with it. You have no idea how much I saved the day. Can I do a quick anecdote?

AlexPlease do.

MerlinSo my kid has been having trouble. Like, Minecraft has. So she's basically using my login, my coins. She logs in. And so a couple of days ago. God, this is so fucking dramatic.

AlexI want to know.

MerlinShe can't log in. It's taken a really long time. It's saying connecting, dot, dot, dot. And so me, I'm trying to be fucking John Syracuse. And I'm like, hang on, let me go look on my iPad and see what it does. And she gets frantic, as kids do. She's frantic. And I was half proud of her because she said, maybe I should delete the app. And, like, that would fix it. I was like, yes, that could fix it, but let's make sure you're backed up and everything. Ba-da-ba-ba.

And long story short, I intervened to say, like, please, like, really think about what you're doing. We have not done an official iTunes backup. I have not checked your iCloud backup recently. She deleted the app. She installed it. She brought it back up. All of her worlds were gone.

Speaker ANo.

MerlinOh, no. Oh, fuck. 59 worlds.

AlexOh, damn. Oh, God. That's a loss. How can we help fix this?

MerlinSo you think you've seen a meltdown? The two greatest meltdowns in my daughter's life. The second largest meltdown was the time her 59 realms disappeared. The largest meltdown was day two of Minecraft when she accidentally overwatered her potatoes and lost it for two days.

Speaker AOh, the potatoes.

MerlinThey were in a pit and she overwatered them and she couldn't turn it off. She didn't know what to do. She panicked. And she went fucking ballistic. holistic like she fucking lost it because her 59 her 59 worlds were gone well you know fuck minecraft for not for like keeping all that local per device so yeah wait a minute like who cares about dad dad's trying to help dad logs into every device and looks and there's a different world set on every one of these like fuck and she's screaming like literally you have no she says

I'm being very calm she says you have no idea what a huge part of my life this was and I said that's true and I said yeah but who else are you going to call to fix this thing I told you not to delete Ghostbusters because you have because you did not have a local backup and we have not used like third party apps to go into the source files and backup fucking

Speaker AYou think you do like all that phone view stuff, that kind of thing?

MerlinYes, exactly. And so I was like, fuck. And so I'm trying to help. She's yelling at me. And at one point I turned to my daughter and she just did one of the most candid, angry moments. She said, you have no idea. And I said, don't ever speak to me that way again. And so I was very fucking angry. But here's what I did. What I did was I went and I checked her iPad. her latest backup was 9.30 p.m. the day before.

AlexOh.

MerlinAnd I said, look, even though you're the worst, and there's no reason that I should help you at this point, I'm going to try something rather heroic, and I give you no promise because you don't deserve a promise. You deserve no assurance. The father who bought you this iPad, bought you this Internet, and bought you the mind coins, and had nothing to do with you deleting your world, is now doing everything that he can to try and make this better. He's going to save your ass. He's just going to do what he can.

I said, I'm going to try this. And I went to general settings, restore, reset, ding, bang, boom, delete it. Ticka, ticka, ticka, comes back up, restore from iCloud from 930 p.m. I put in her password, which is a better password than she would like. Deal with it. And this morning she woke me up to say it worked. All the worlds are backed. You know, and I will get credit for that for exactly that two minutes.

And that is it. I saved her realms. I saved all of that. I saved the realms. You have no idea how big of a part of her life this was. I had no idea how big a part of her life that was.

Speaker AYeah.

MerlinBut no, no, no. But imagine that with her screaming. With her screaming.

Speaker Bso would you prefer the situation that i have in my house which is that my children blithely assume that there's nothing they can do with their devices that will cause any problem that i can't solve so they would never get panicked because they'd be like whatever dad'll fix it like they they don't care they don't take care of any of their things give me give me uh give me a recent

Maxexample i say that i say that too when i break something i go syracuse will fix it me too yeah

Speaker BLike it's like deleting their files, like, you know, not saving things, you know, hard powering off computers if they don't understand what's going on. Oh, I thought I had a thing and I can't.

MerlinJust unplugging USB devices.

Speaker BI can't find the thing anymore. Can you find where it is? Like what thing? I don't know. The thing I was working on. My homework assignment is gone. I can't do this thing. I can't. You know, the microphone doesn't work. I don't know how to do this. And they just walk away. And they just like, tell me when it's done. they don't even hang around long enough to tell me what the problem i hate that because i'm i'm

Merlinlike i'm like this is like like for you like you really need to figure out how to troubleshoot this it starts with what if i don't have my house keys yeah they don't even want to be in the room but you know what i mean like it starts with like for me it's like you know when you leave the house

Speaker Bclose the door to the house we're working on that one we're working on that one close the door

Merlinmake sure you have your phone and you're not actually physically leave the door entirely open but like it's like to me it's like it's so desperately not complicated that it makes me insane which is like you should have all the things that a fucking human adult would have in their wallet you got money you got a key you get your phone right you've got your like airpods or or whatever your you know given pods are i can fit my airpods in my wallet well but no but like feel like like Hear me out. All the things that you, as a sentient, smart, seasoned adult human, would have,

including whatever your transit card is. Like, are you riding transit today? No. Do you bring your car? Yes. I always bring my car. Like, do I need to get in the house on my own this afternoon? No. Do you have your key? Yes. You always carry all of those things. And every morning, we reset the timeline. And I say, like, do you have the things? John, Syracuse, get my back.

Speaker BWell, it's time for somebody to start cutting some trail, I think.

AlexOkay.

Speaker BReally? Here's the thing. Yeah, it's time to cut some trail.

AlexIdeally, that is how iCloud would work. And I think my spouse, like, they're fairly in here.

MerlinMinecraft worlds should be in the cloud. That's fucking insane.

Speaker BI still have 900 backups of all my kids' Minecraft worlds. Well, tell me how you do that later. Because when they're 40, they're going to be like, hey, can we get the Minecraft worlds up for the slideshow? or whatever, and I'm like, yeah, sure.

MerlinThat one time I got the Finn and Jake skin to do the sexy thing. How do I get that back?

Speaker AWait, what? I heard a sexy thing, and I woke right up. Finn and Jake skin to do the sexy thing activates all the bad parts. Why?

MerlinYou want your booties?

AlexEverybody, Chicago is a stock skin in Minecraft. Stock skin. What?

MaxWhat is? What?

AlexStock skin.

MaxI don't know what any of these words mean. Chicago is?

AlexChicago. What's Chicago? Chicago, if you go into... I think it's a city. Okay, Chicago, if you go into landscapes and search for Chicago, you can start building your world in Chicago.

Speaker BIt's past 1 a.m. here. I'm going to turn into a pumpkin. I just looked at the time. That was my deadline.

MaxOh, God. We're really cutting into John's destiny tonight. No, no. I got to go sleep. I got to wake up early tomorrow.

MerlinHe's got to upgrade the armor class on his dress. just gotta go see the taco truck

Speaker Bwhere they drop all the sword blessings gonna take the family to see Star Wars early tomorrow

MaxI love you, I love you, I love you I'm the Pope John, why don't you sleep during Star Wars this is more important

Speaker BI already saw it, but this is the family showing tomorrow morning I'm not giving you any opinions unlike other people who like to spoil you

MaxI'm not gonna watch it, I won't be watching it

Speaker Bso you can just tell me if it's good or not you will be watching it, it's mandatory You don't know about that. It's a new...

MerlinI don't know what I'm going to do. How will you not be watching it? Did you see they're already pushing out updates? Did you see that tweet? To Star Wars? No. Worse. This is a day one patch on the Star Wars movie. Like, I'm not going to try and find it this quick. But, like, somebody had posted a note that went out to theater owners that was like, you know, we're pushing out this update to cats. And apparently they've updated, they've improved some of the graphics. like fucking three days

Speaker Breplaced it with a coherent movie alright everybody I'm going to sleep

Speaker Ahave fun editing

Speaker BQuinn I'm sure you can make a show out of this

Show notes

Transcript

165. His Name Is Alan

Show notes

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