166. Janey Made a Toodle

AlexThis is Do By Friday, a weekly challenge podcast with Merlin Mann, Alex Cox, and Max Tempin. This week's challenge, have a marijuana.

MaxDid you watch The Bachelor?

AlexNot yet, not yet.

MaxOh, are you going to watch it?

AlexYeah.

Speaker AOkay. Quinn, did you see it? Yeah, I watched it live. You watched it live?

MaxYeah. Okay, Verona, can I watch it last night? and I love that show so much. I got so caught up in it. When they were like, it's the most dramatic season we've ever had. Prepare your, they were like, buckle up for the live three hour premiere of The Bachelor and Veronica. I was like, sweet God.

AlexOh, that's the thing is I saw that and I was like, oh, they got me. They kind of got me. Like when the winners, oh, is Merlin not there? Wow, Quinn, what a professional.

MaxWell, I don't know if this is going to make it into the show or not, but Merlin does not like discussing The Bachelor.

AlexOh, he does not.

MaxDuring the Dubai Friday program. But I believe we're going to have a special bonus Bachelor chat with Max, Quinn, and Alex coming to your feed soon.

AlexIt's on the Patreon feed.

MaxWe'll discuss Peter. We'll discuss, what's her name? Hannah.

AlexI'm so excited for Peter.

MaxWe'll talk about whatever the other girls are. Probably Lauren, if I had to guess.

AlexI'm going to say Karen. Melissa. Sarah. Are any of these correct? I truly don't know. I think Lauren is.

MaxYeah, you've got Lauren H. Lauren B. Lauren L. Becca M. Oh, God. Becca Z. Becca S.

Alexand then of course there's Becky and Rebecca did you guys know

Maxhere's a fun Bachelor trivia did you know that Peter fucked in a windmill

Alexwait I think I knew that from previous

Maxit's weird they don't bring it up at all in the season you think that would be like

Alexyeah they don't mention it at all they don't mention that he's a pilot ever wait he's a pilot

MaxI can't believe they didn't say anything about that how degrading for the first woman, Blue Angel, too. I was like, this is so... I felt horrible for her. I was like, this is so... I was like, why are you making these young women wrestle around in diarrhea in front of a fan? Shouldn't you be getting a trophy?

AlexI was like, these women are so legit. What are they doing here? Please tell me they're giving them like a million dollars each. Oh, God. Oh, I'm so excited to talk about this with you guys. I'm worried that it's going to become like my new survivor. Like I'll start analyzing like, okay, this part's real. This part's not real. This part is almost not scripted.

MaxAll the critical theory that I love, they're all talking about whatever the trash was of their day. I mean, they're talking about like pulp fiction and garbage movies. And they're like, here's what it means about the culture. And I think it's completely, I think it's completely, the Bachelor is sports without sports. It's like the thing that everyone watches that represents like the zeitgeist. and there's all this packaged Disney image control that goes into it, I think it's completely valid to talk about that and be like, what is happening in our society?

AlexToo many people take it seriously. Is Merlin here?

MerlinHi.

AlexHi. Hey!

MerlinJust want people to be happy.

AlexWe were talking about infinite jest and nothing less.

MaxCan we talk about, yeah, we were talking about serious matters of the day. You guys excited for war in Iran? Who's excited? Let's all go around and say 1 to 10

Merlinhow much we support the troops. I've decided to not have any opinions about anything this year. Every time I start to give an opinion I have to give somebody $10. Maybe like Oral Roberts or something.

MaxI have gone... So Merlin's neither pro nor for, neither for nor against the war. That seems a little soft.

MerlinI'm a no-nothing.

MaxI'm a no-no. It seems a little soft on America. Alex, where are you at?

AlexYou know what? While I don't support the troops, I support each and every single soldier out there. Every one of our boys. Yep.

MerlinAre you supporting our boys?

AlexYep. Yep. That was a pretty good answer, wasn't it? Yeah.

MerlinThat was so good.

MaxI support the war, but not the troops.

MerlinOh. I support the president, but not the troops.

AlexOh, uh-oh.

MerlinOkay. They're not loyal enough to him. He's elected, right? Oh, yeah. I mean, somebody must have liked him. He's in there. Hillary should have won.

MaxDid you guys read... I sent you guys this article that I was... I don't know what it is in the news. You just made me think of it. But I sent you this Wikipedia article about this thing called Millennium Challenge 2002. Oh, yeah.

MerlinI didn't look at that yet. No, let me look at it right now. I've been looking at Masks of Danny DeVito all day. Let me give you the...

MaxOh, well, save that for the after show. That's the challenge. Oh, my God.

AlexNo.

MaxOkay, here we go. So let me tell you a little something about Millennium Challenge 2002. I really encourage everyone to go on the Wikipedia article for Millennium Challenge 2002 and read about this. But essentially, do you guys know what war games are? It's like a real thing that the military does.

AlexNow I know more about it than I ever wanted to.

MaxOkay, so this was a war game that the Pentagon ran in 2002. And it was two teams commanded by two, you know, you have like basically a general that commands the U.S. forces, which is called Blue Team. and a general that commands the generic bad guys in the Middle East who are widely understood to be Iran, and that was called the Red Team. So it was Blue Team versus Red Team, and Red Team was, they don't say in the war game, like, we're gaming out what it would be like to have a war against Iran.

They're just like, it's a country in the Middle East that has these properties, and the properties happen to match up with what we know about Iran. So that's the setup, right? it's a 10-day war game that involves a mix of real-life troop movements and mobilizations. So all around the world, there's parts of the US military that are actually moving around and doing stuff to pretend to simulate the war game. But also, it's just simulated on computers because you don't actually blow people up and stuff like that. So basically, the whole Wikipedia article is worth a read.

MerlinLieutenant General Paul K. Van Riper sounds like a real baller.

Maxvan ripper ripper that's his name general van ripper he's got he's got a lot of uh ribbons he was the uh red team right yep yep he's the asymmetric boy so he so he decided really early on he's like it does not make sense for a red team to fight the u.s in a in a sort of one for one

Merlinyou know equal playing field we used to say gorilla but now we say asymmetric it's where like you have you bought so if you're a country like say the blue team i'm not saying it's the United States. But if you are a blue team that has bought lots of very large weapons and very large transports to do very large things, people can do things much more lightly or against the civilian population. There's all kinds of asymmetric ways to fight a war that it's difficult or impossible for a large military to prepare for. Exactly. So very quickly,

Maxhe realized, he's like, okay, the US has complete dominance over information warfare. All of their stuff is like way more expensive uh way more destructive than what we have and so he came up with this ingenious strategy where they ran they used all sort of um pre-digital like world war ii era communication techniques so he had motorcycle messengers bring orders from uh the command to the front lines they used a lights to direct air traffic control so it was the u.s completely

lost their technological superiority advantage because they weren't able to intercept any radio signals or anything.

MerlinHe ran a Dunkirk on them.

MaxYeah. Jesus. So embarrassing. So then basically what they did was they completely shocked the U.S. side by having all this coordination without any radio communication or anything. So it was a total shock counterattack. And they just launched a bunch of like cheap, like shitty Scud missiles. And I think they did some like kamikaze boats and stuff.

MerlinYeah, it says here, thus warned of Blue's approach, Red used a fleet of small boats to determine the position of Blue's fleet by the second day of the exercise. In a preemptive strike, Red launched a massive salvo of cruise missiles that overwhelmed the Blue's forces, electronic sensors, and destroyed 16 warships.

MaxOh, God. So they crushed the United States.

MerlinWell-read. They were blue. They crushed blue.

MaxYeah, and then that was on like day two of the 10-day simulation, and so the Pentagon was like, this is unacceptable, and they basically reset. They unsank all of the battleships. They said, you did not sink my battleships. And then they ordered General Von Ripper, who was the red team guy, and they said, play worse.

They wanted him to throw it? Yeah. They said they said you're doing too well and so they re ran it and the United States won and they were like Yeah, we're well positioned to win a war in Iran and that's the intelligence that informs our strategy today They go we ran a simulation in 2002 and we won So did the Millenniums win?

AlexThe fact that it's called Millenniums The Millenniums didn't win It's so funny It's so bad Oh god And also the Pope hasn't commented on it yet and it's just very What? it makes it sound like what does that mean Alex that mean that mean okay it is well established that I'm the Catholic character

MerlinI know you're the jazz Catholic whenever something happens in the world you're awaiting you're awaiting a remark a remark from the man with the pointy hat yes

Alexwell did you see how he slapped a lady

Speaker Athat's no good get those missiles out of there that's no good

Alexhe's he's from Argentina he doesn't sound like that's how people

Speaker Afrom Argentina talk don't be racist I'm sorry

AlexI mean, again, he slapped a woman. I've never laughed at anybody slapping a woman before.

Speaker ACorta el pelo detrás de las orejas. Te se a missteca con ensaladis sobre de postre fruta. Vamonos.

MaxI got this holiday gift basket that I'm just opening from a general contractor that we are not on great terms with. Do you think this is safe to eat? Oh.

AlexNo. It's sealed.

MaxWhat's the treat? It's a milk chocolate drizzled popcorn, which if I'm being honest, I really do want to eat. Yeah, that sounds delightful.

MerlinSee, the thing is, if now Lieutenant General Paul Von Ripper, that's exactly the kind of thing General Van Ripper would send to a bloor.

MaxHe goes, yeah, right.

MerlinA boat comes up, putt, putt, putt, putt, putt, putt, putt, and inside of it is a big bastic full of popcorn filled with chocolate and anthrax. Oh, by the way, did I mention it as anthrax?

MaxAnd you go, I know that this is Red Team sent this over to... That's how they get you. To foil and to beguile my efforts.

MerlinThey have superiority and air power in popcorn.

MaxBut that's on the one hand. But on the other hand, I want those tasty chocolate-covered treats. Yeah, that's complicated. I'm going for it. I hope I don't get diarrhea from this.

AlexI wonder if Max is still under the influence.

MerlinOh, influence. I forgot about that. You guys.

AlexHe's an influencer, yeah. That's good. Oh, well, yeah, it's good. I'm sure arsenic tastes good at first.

MaxYou're going to wish you had that Toto, baby. I haven't fully paid the contractor yet, so if they kill me, it would be that.

AlexYeah, yeah. I'm going to be buried in Wrigley Field.

MerlinIt's in the dock. It's all in the dock. We're all pro-war.

AlexNo. Okay, sure. Yep.

MerlinI'm just anti-troop. I want to see domination by land, sea, and air. I want our big wet boy to come out and sniff some more. Boy, he sounds... Can I be slightly impolitic for just a minute? Alex, can I have your benediction? Yes, please. He sounds so coked up and gay when he reads off a teleprompter.

AlexHe does.

MerlinNo, seriously. Doesn't it sound a little bit...

AlexHe's the gayest president we've ever had by far.

MerlinOr like maybe he's making fun of somebody who's gay and he sounds very bored. Very strong. Very strong.

MaxI literally don't understand this joke. Is this his sort of voice?

MerlinAlex, can you give Max Benediction too? Domini, Domini? Oh, give him a homosexual indulgence. It's a joke? What's the joke? Is the joke that in some way there's a voice? I'm going to look that up on Urban Dictionary.

AlexI think there might be a voice.

MerlinHomosexual indulgence.

AlexOh, well, do you remember at the RNC? I certainly am not familiar. I've never noticed any sort of voice. Let's say, let's take away just, you know, any stereotypes. I'm just going to say that the RNC as a whole, the decoration looked like some men's decor that I've been to. Just like a subgroup of men who have golds all over.

MerlinOkay, so I got permission for Alex. Can I have permission from Max to cite something from Chapo?

MaxPlease do. Yeah. Please do. Let's fucking, let's go. We're all going to die anyway.

MerlinThe whole RNC has some really big Uncle Magic going on. I'm telling you, you, God, you know those guys are going to come tuck you in at night. You just, you can just tell they're going to come. Here comes the uncle.

MaxCan I get a phone chart? My phone has 1%. This is bad.

AlexUh, intern, intern. Intern. Can you please bring a phone charger in? Please come in very strongly. There should be a. Very strongly. Oh, no, I made eye contact with him. Oh, no, oh, no. This is a disaster. No, you both have to die.

MaxAre you his intern now? Is that how it works?

AlexNo. Oh, you're right. He dominated me. Yeah, I think so. Yeah. Oh, okay. He left. Quinn is becoming different.

Speaker AWait, Quinn's there.

MerlinHey, Quinn.

AlexYes. Cameron is ill, which makes me very sad. He's super ill.

MerlinHe's sick, man.

AlexHi, Merlin.

MerlinHi, Quinn. Feel better, Cameron. Oh, hey, it's actually you. Um, no. God, now she's listening to us. Ooh, let's take all that out. Ooh.

MaxUh-huh.

MerlinOoh.

MaxI wouldn't drop a marker.

MerlinYou ever notice when Trump sounds like he's really coked up in Millennial when he's reading off of Teleprompter? I don't get it. Is there some voice?

Speaker AHe just sounds so goddamn bored.

MerlinAnd now I guess it's becoming increasingly more reported. Many people are saying that he really absolutely does need glasses and refuses to wear them. And they pump up the type as big as they can get it on the teleprompters. And what was the one he tripped over this morning? It was a pretty good one. He didn't do the and trick. I missed the and trick.

MaxWhat's what's that? That's where he says a word wrong and he'll go like he'll say, oh, it'll be a virtual

Merlinkitschbring and blitzkrieg.

AlexOh, yeah, yeah, yeah. OK, OK. Yeah.

MerlinYeah, so big sniffing and then somebody says, oh yeah, a compliment. It'll be a huge, huge strongly a compliment.

MaxIt's like when, you know what that reminds me of is it's like when my cat goes to like jump onto a counter and misses and like falls down.

MerlinAnd then you just sort of dust it off and you're like, yeah, I meant to do that. Yeah. I was going for that. Oh shit dog. You know, my very special lady friend got us a family Christmas present. Guess what we got?

AlexIs this the fat boy?

MerlinOh, we got the fat boy too. We got a little robot.

AlexUh-huh. Yes! Oh, my God. Your life is about to change.

MerlinI love it. Will she eventually use it? Please tell me she'll eventually use it. Were your cats reluctant at first? Our cat adapted immediately to it. Okay.

AlexMm-hmm. Same.

MerlinBut Janeway's smart. Ours is an idiot.

AlexWell, honestly, I think she's just going to sit. She has like a cushion or she sits on the couch, right?

MerlinOh, she has doubles of everything. It's almost as bad as my daughter. She has... We have... At some point, my wife decided... My wife decides things by fiat. I think she feels things in the air that I don't. She's decided, for example, she figured out one day by fiat when the lizard likes to go to bed, so we have to turn the lights off. She's also decided by fiat that the cat wanted an extra set of food and water in the hallway. She decided by fiat that the cat needed a third cushion. So our house is like, I don't know, it's like a cross between a B&B and a putt-putt golf course for a cat.

Can you get it through the windmill? Wow. Wow. Oh, boy. So we got a litter thing. Okay, so, and what about, what, Francis and Nez, do they use yours?

AlexYeah. Oh, yeah, they love it.

MaxMerlin, did you get the Bluetooth one where it sends you a push notification when your cat takes a shit?

MerlinWe got the litter, I don't know, we got Litter Robot 3. I think it's the nicest one. I cannot get the Wi-Fi connected. First of all, okay, two things about the Litter Robot. First of all, it's incredibly ingenious. But it is very much, B, it is very much a Rube Goldberg device. where there's a million ways that it can go wrong. I think I might be having a problem with the cat sensor.

AlexBecause... Oh, here's... Okay, sorry.

MerlinWhat's going on? Well, so do you guys remember setting it up with the app? And you press the two top buttons until...

MaxShould we explain to our viewers what this is?

MerlinOkay, yes.

MaxAll right.

MerlinMerlin, go. I sat and watched this thing for an hour. I just did it over and over and watched. So you get this thing called a litter robot. Welcome to the first world. Okay, okay. Wait, before I get in trouble with the millenniums, let me just stipulate. Our cat, as I think I've said before, this is not funny, I think our cat has proprioception issues. I think she does not have, I'm not shaming her. I don't think she has an awareness of where her body parts are at a time. She has the coldest, wettest piss of any animal I've ever encountered in my life.

So we started putting down piddle pads around her box because she just walks up, puts her front paws in the box, and then pisses all over the floor. Now, guess what? I have a piddle pad and a box. And now also, oh, by the way, did I mention there's a liner in the litter thing that no matter what I do, lips in such a way that an eighth of an inch of cold, wet urine fills the entire side. And I can't even get the clumped poop out without turning over the thing. And I'm going, oh, it's so cold and wet. How could this be so wet?

It's so disgusting. And then I hold it up. I hold it up with my family. I go, the brown bag. I say, you feel how heavy that is? That's all cold, wet urine. Do you know what I do for this family?

AlexOh, wait, wait, hold on. You take, you have a litter genie, right? Which is like the diaper genie, but with...

MerlinNo, no, no, no. We have a...

MaxOh, God, Alex. Wait, you can make your child shit in a robot? I didn't even know that was an option.

Can I explain what this thing is? Yes, please. We still haven't accomplished that goal.

MerlinSo I wanted to just state the case of I was not looking for a first world technological solution, but if this thing works, it will be miraculous. So all I wanted to get off my chest was that it's a bit of a thing to make sure it's set up exactly right. I think it keeps thinking the drawer is full. When you get solid red light on power, does that mean it thinks the box is full?

AlexWell, this is the one robot in the house that Matchy is responsible for.

MerlinThat's smart.

AlexBut I think that's right.

MerlinBut I'll let Max. Max can explain the particulars, but it is such a fucking brilliant, albeit Rube Goldberg.

MaxWell, let's just start. Can we just stipulate for our audience that it's a sphere that your cat takes a shit in? It's filled with kitty litter.

MerlinIt's a globe, yeah.

MaxAnd then it's sort of a, yeah, it's a globe with like a porthole that the cat goes in.

MerlinIt's got like a really thick rubbery bottom that the litter sits in. And then after the cat has done his or her or their business, they're not a they. My God, you got so angry. You were so angry. So then it goes, and it turns. And first of all, it turns counterclockwise, and all of the litter and the leavings start to turn like a very, very low-key dryer. And then so what happens is the stuff that's not clumped, meaning the good litter, goes through the screen into a little holding area.

It turns back and then the rubber thing gets like pushed out and that all drops in through this hole and goes into a receptacle like a Mr. Show pooping chair. Goes into a thing in a drawer. You don't do it. And then it goes back and then the clean litter goes back in and you're good to go. Is that pretty close? Yeah. It's brilliant. It's brilliant to watch because there's like five different things where it's like.

MaxIt's a self-cleaning like shit box for the cat.

AlexYeah, that's all. We don't have. Both of you don't have enough respect for the listeners. But here's the problem, Merlin. I don't think you have it calibrated correctly because—

MerlinYeah, it doesn't understand weight and floor.

AlexWell, the thing—we had to keep adjusting it for my cats because they started to really like it, and they loved watching their shit, like, turn around because they loved their shit.

MaxJaneway is hypnotized by it. She sits there and waits for it to go.

AlexYeah. Oh, that's so cute. And so we had to, like, make it as far as possible.

MerlinOur cat runs out of the room in shame because she knows that she's just literally urinated all over the floor.

Alexthen you need to make it as light as possible wow have you considered putting a wait are you doing

Maxthe vine of the what animal is that that goes that's the thing that my wife craves

Merlinwhat is that what's the animal goes wow my well no what my wife's one one one night one night my wife who i love and is way smarter and funnier than me she goes you know because the cat always

Speaker Agoes, meow, meow, meow.

MerlinIt's become incorporated into my dreams because when she meows, she meows at nighttime in the early morning 13 times in a row.

Speaker AShe goes, meow, meow, meow, really dolefully.

MerlinMaybe she needs another set of food and water in a different part of the house. In any case, one time my wife said, you know, every time I go and I feed her and I say, yeah, yeah, get some greenies.

Speaker AI want one.

MerlinAnd she talks in the cat voice and she gives her, she says, just once I wish she'd say thank you. I wish just once. Just once she would look up at me and go, wow.

MaxDo you guys know?

AlexShe's in awe of you. What if it's so cute?

MaxWow. Is it one of our cards videos that we show at the show where it's like an animal and it goes, wow, wow.

MerlinI do love, I still love Yas Kat. Yeah. And now my daughter's really into TikTok. So this will come up later in this episode. I'm learning so much about memes. You know what I'm talking about?

MaxWhat kind of animal is it? I know the southern accent. I don't remember. I can't place it. Wow. Oh, that's so cute. Gentle now. Um, so it's really good.

AlexOh, actual, actual hot tip for you and everybody. You, you want to have bowls of water in different places, but you don't also want to have food there because cats will drink way more water if they, if it's not by food, because in the wild, they're not used to have it. She read that.

MerlinThat was one of the original things. Well, what happened was we put it out for when we went away for a couple of days.

AlexDid she get confused?

MerlinBecause you know, you're in that weird window where like, you know, it's not quite long enough to have the cat people come. so like we put out extra stuff in case we die in an automobile accident and she'll be okay um you know like it like a chernobyl cat and so yeah so we um it's a turtle is it a turtle

Alexthat goes wow oh that's even cuter uh wow turtle i don't know uh all right yeah i found it yeah

Maxit's the turtle that goes wow okay here we go i'm gonna put the i'm putting the microphone up to my laptop so we can hear this

AlexIt sounds too much like that turtle that fucks. Wow. I knew that it would be.

MaxI knew this was a good meme. We should bring this meme back.

AlexYeah, bring it back. It's not good. All right, wait, wait. No, I need to share a meme. Hold on, hold on. Yep, hold on. I'm playing it on my iPad.

Speaker AOh, wait. Wow, wow.

AlexListen, listen for it. It's coming up. It's a cat's egg. Well, hi.

Speaker AThat's so cute. Why can't ours do that just once? Yeah.

MerlinNo, twice, twice. Once, I want to hear it once that only I hear it, and then a second time when I definitely know other people heard it because then I'd feel crazy.

AlexYou want your own special treat, but you want to prove it.

MerlinWhat I'm going to try next, I have so much troubleshooting to do in my life. I'm trying to get a new router hooked up in my office. It's driving me crazy. I need to fix the cat box. Okay, so what I'm guessing is, A, because there's a lot of like, you know, I think this was a Kickstarter-ish thing. And so they build these by hand.

It's nice. It's well-made. And actually, the documentation is extremely good as these things go. You get a paper booklet that you can read like a person. But my guesses are, number one, something for some reason got screwy in the setup, and I just need to do a super hard all the way down reset. Number two, something's wrong with the sensor, and therefore the red light keeps coming on because it thinks the cat's in the box when I'm trying to set it up on Wi-Fi. Third one is I need to be much more explicit about doing a reset and putting it on like a board. Because it needs to get recalibrated to even say like if you've got grout in the floor, which we do, that can screw it up.

So there's all those things. But it's really frustrating. I can't get the app to start up. Because you've got to shoot the serial number.

MaxI will say the networking utilities in the Wi-Fi one. the first thing I'll say is you don't super need it because the only functionality that it really has is it sends you a push notification when your cat takes a shit.

MerlinOh, good. Well, I can live without that. Okay.

MaxYou don't need it. I mean, it's a nice – I enjoy it.

MerlinI figured it would be a la the fantastic Eero app. I was – that's like my new – I mean, they've been a sponsor of many things, and I'm a fan, and I buy them with my money. But like Eero – you guys don't have reason to use an Eero app ever, have you?

MaxNo. No, I'm on the – I have a Ubiquiti.

MerlinUbiquiti, right, right.

MaxUnify Ubiquity lifestyle.

MerlinBut the Eero is, to me, the gold standard. And also, I just bought a new printer. So on the other end of the spectrum, I bought this OfficeJet printer by HP that will apparently do just about everything. And there's a documentation page somewhere for just about everything. But there's four different branded names for how to print from something that's not the current network. And it's like you're so overwhelmed. Whereas with Eero, you just go in and say, like, okay, like, you know, I want to go set up a port forwarding for this. Oh, cool.

Do you want me to do a reservation while I'm here? Yes, I would. Thank you. Put in your UDP, put in your TCP, and you're done. Like, Eero, even for the most advanced stuff, is so great.

MaxGod, this is boring. I'm sorry. Well, if you're, like, ever out to dinner, you know, with your family, and you want all your phones to buzz at the same time, and you all take your phones out, and you look, and it goes, your cat just took a ship. Janie made a toodle. yeah and then you go

Speaker Awow wow that's the turtle you can have that

Maxno that's the noise you make when you learn that you're when you're out at a nice when you're out at the getting your zeppelin of prime rib and right before the zeppelin arrives it goes and you take your phone out and you go litter robot just completed a cycle and you're like wow

Speaker Athe cat took a shit

AlexI want actually to reach out to a friend of the show, Rosemary Orchard, to see if there's a way to set a... What? Fake. Okay. Her name.

MaxThat's a fake name.

AlexAll right, yeah. This mystical creature I've created. because there has to be a way to put this information into a spreadsheet because I want to know if my cats are regular. Because I know they shit when we get home, but I don't really, like, I don't know the intervals and I don't know which one's going. So there has to be a way that, like, if you get a certain push notification from your phone that it goes into the spreadsheet at a certain time.

MerlinSo you want this happening at the phone, at the device level?

MaxMaybe this is too mean. Maybe this will need to get edited. Quinn, drop a marker. but Rosemary Orchard sounds like one of those names when you're reading a really lazy comedy and they do a joke and it's like someone's like oh well what's your mother-in-law's name and you like frantically look around and you're like Microphone Mic Logic Pro X

MerlinSylvia Blister

MaxJennifer Name I thought that was funny I think there's only two good versions of that trust me I've seen every comedy every purportedly funny thing ever filmed And there's only two times that that joke was ever actually funny. And the first one is when Job is telling Michael how much he loves his new wife, you know, Leslie Knope, that he married overnight.

MerlinOh, right. The war criminal pointed at Gitmo. That wasn't her pointing at the naked guys at Gitmo.

MaxYes, yes, yes, exactly. And she and he's like, we love each other. She's filing for divorce. And he's like, how could she do this? We love each other. and he's holding the divorce paperwork. And Michael goes, Jobe, quickly, what's her name? And he goes, Krindy. And Michael goes, Krindy's not her name, Jobe. And he looks down at the paper and he goes, ah, Saul Zinsman. Nope, that's her attorney.

And then the other good one is where Dwight is out of the office because he's trying to over-usurp Michael. And Michael's like, what's the name of your dentist? And he goes, Krintist? And Michael goes, your dentist's name is Krintist? And Troy goes, maybe that's why he became a dentist.

MerlinThis is unrelated, but very similar, which is the episode, I still quote this, probably just about every day. But there's the one, it's the one where Jerry Blank is trying out, so Strangers with Candy. And Jerry Blank wants to try out and be a cheerleader. Do you remember this? And there's, of course, it's, you know, Amy Sedaris in makeup. She's supposed to be 47 years old, and she's just horrific. And there's all the cute girls that are trying out at her high school. Oh, because she's back in high school. Anyway, and she's showing up for cheerleading, and it's like, you know, you spell out the name of the team or the school, whatever it was.

Give me a T, give me an A, and all that kind of stuff. And then at one point, they're like, did you realize that Jerry can't read? And she's like, do you know what that spells? And she goes, Fandango.

Hobo camp. Imagine her with the overbite going, Fandango.

Speaker AChip out there There's one more that's very funny

AlexBut I know I will mess up the joke No no no you need to go to the show notes To get the joke Because Merlin and I Work very hard on these show notes And there are about five people Who when something isn't in there I get like 20 DMs Which is okay I'm sorry I did not want to put the picture of the dead child that we talked about and all got sad. Yeah.

MerlinAnd listen, stop asking for Batman. Go find Batman. We're not going to show you. Did you random Max and exquisite Batman yet?

Speaker AWow.

MerlinHey, Alex, That's where people go to find show notes for episode Diggity 166 of your Dubai Friday program.

AlexI'm not Dan Benjamin. I don't fucking know.

MerlinAlex, in as much as you can say. In as much as you can say, as you're comfortable saying.

AlexOkay. I'm going to guess here. Dubai Friday. Wait, no. DubaiFriday.simplecast.com. Alex, what's the episode number?

Speaker AQuickly.

AlexYour show notes slash creed. 62. Slash. Dot gov. Slash. Where are we at? Where is the-

MaxI guarantee you we're more than 62 episodes into this program.

AlexNo, 162. 162. That's too many. Is it? No. It's 166. I feel like... Wait, really? 160...

MerlinOh, my God. www.creedthoughts.gov. www.creedthoughts.com

Speaker AAnd now she's stomping on my heart. What's her first name? Quickly. Crindy. I'm not Crindy Jones. Saul Zinsman. That's her lawyer. Okay, okay, okay, do mine.

MerlinI'll find the timestamp.

Speaker BNext up, Jerry Blaine.

Give me a V-I-C-T-O-R-Y. V-I-C-T-O-R-Y. What's it spell? Whig!

Jerry, what does V-I-C-T-O-R-Y spell? Fandango.

Hobo camp? Hobo camp? I'm sorry. The language is illiterate.

Speaker AIt's a dolly zoom.

Speaker BWe will postpone these tryouts until after we have all recovered from Jerry's shame. If you're not staying.

AlexOh, my God.

MerlinI love her so much.

MaxI love her so much. It's a horrible joke. It's amazing that we each have one of those moments of basically of that joke that sticks out for us because it's such a horrible joke format.

MerlinYou think so? You think it's kind of lame? You think it's too lame?

MaxIt's a noted hack joke to be like, Susan Lampshade. It's just a terrible joke. It's a horrible joke. I mean, you should never write that. It's just there's something about the way it's done in Arrested Development and it's just the actor maybe.

MerlinYeah, yeah, yeah. Well, you know, it's funny to get to watch that with my kid who's not going to get some of the references, but she loves it. And I was saying, like, isn't it amazing? Like, you can get the analogist and stuff. Stuff that goes by so fast. And they just trust that you're going to notice. And what I said to her was, I feel like this show came out really at the beginning of the age of what I would call the age of TiVo, where people were creating stuff knowing that people could go back and rewind and watch it again. You know what I mean? You couldn't have made that show where the jokes are so fast in another era.

This is something in an interview with Amy Sedaris, who we just saw in the Strangers with Candy video. My father called me late one Sunday evening, excited with the news that my sister Amy—oh, this is David telling the story. My father called me late one—excited with the news that my sister Amy was scheduled to appear in a magazine article on young New York women. Can you imagine? My God, put a camera in front of that girl, and she'll shine like a diamond. Between the single men and the job opportunities, her phone is going to be ringing off the hook. So anyway, going forward here, she told—she arrived with unwashed hair, and she said to the makeup person,

and I want to look like someone has beaten me up really, really bad. The makeup artist did a fine job. The black eyes and purple jaw were accentuated by a series of scratch marks on her forehead. Puss yellow pools surrounded her blistered nose, and her swollen lips were fenced with mean rows of brackish stitches. Amy was enchanted with her new look. Following the shoot, she wore her bruises to the dry cleaner and grocery store. Most people nervously looked away, but on the rare occasion, someone asked what had happened. And my sister smiled as brightly as possible saying, I'm in love.

Can you believe it? I'm finally totally in love. And you know what? It feels great.

Speaker AWow. Wow.

AlexI mean, while we're just talking about how other people are funny, we should just stop this and play all of the Flophouse's Star Wars. Oh, Alex is into the Flophouse.

MaxSo was that your first episode, Alex?

AlexI had previously listened to one. I made the mistake of listening to one that I had seen the movie for. Yeah, that's a mistake. And I was kind of like, meh, meh.

MerlinThat's just all about chemistry. And they had so much chemistry in that episode. But I almost, you know, well, I didn't want to make Todd sad by tweeting about it. But I really wanted people to make sure they heard that episode because it was, you know, when they're in a room together, the chemistry is especially so good. and you could feel Stu and Dan having more drinks. And it was so goddamn funny. I'm so glad you liked it because it's a little bit of difficult mode flop house. Well, no. But also I like what they said.

Speaker AI kind of liked it. I liked and agreed with a lot of what they said.

AlexOh, the chimpanzee.

MerlinThe chimp. The chimp blacksmith.

MaxI've decided I don't think I'm going to see the new Star Wars movie in theaters. Wow. You're good. It'll come out. Don't worry. You'll get a chance later. That's my feeling. I mean, I am going to watch it.

MerlinI'm going to watch it because of how good the compositing looks in the trailer. Oh, the compositing looks amazing. The visual effects really across the board. A lot of people don't realize how much stuff is CGI. I think it's a practical effect, but it turned out that part is so good.

MaxYeah, I don't like when it's done with computers.

MerlinEspecially that the management of the compositing team was very, very good. You really, it shows. I mean, it's... It comes through in every frame. I mean, it's all to tell the story is what I say.

MaxReally, yeah.

MerlinAnybody that was involved with the visuals just might be their best work.

MaxBut I've just decided it's like seeing these Star Wars movies in theaters is not the thing that makes me happy about them. And I'm glad that this trilogy connects with people and they have great feelings about it. But it's not my thing. I already have my Star Wars movies and I'll watch it. I just, I've just decided, I just, I just, why would I, why I keep doing it? Like it just makes me feel bad after I see them in theaters. So why?

MerlinAlex, try Bullet to the Head. That's always my recommended first episode. And if you like their personality, you're going to like Bullet to the Head. I'm glad we got to talk about that movie, though.

AlexHey, I mean, do you stay through? Obviously, we all stay through the credits of every movie.

MerlinOh, man, I hate that button that lets you skip credits. I'll go just to watch the credits again. Veronica's a big sit-through-the-credits person.

MaxAnd so when we see a movie together, we always sit and stay through the credits. Because I think her thing is that, number one, it's like you want to reflect on all the people who made the movie. And just see their names. It's like, hey, they worked really hard to make this thing. And then number two is like it's a moment to process the movie before you like go out into the lobby and you get other movies advertised to you. Oh, that's a really good point. Because like the other thing I've talked about this on the show before, but if you ever are leaving a theater and you listen to the dumb, inane shit that people say when they're walking out of the theater, it is so embarrassing.

I feel ashamed.

MerlinWell, your emotions are still so hot and new and weird. And you haven't really, like you say, you haven't really processed it into anything more than just like how you felt a few minutes ago.

MaxRight, but everyone has to have some little quip that they make Upon walking out of the theater with their friends And a lot of times it's like people will be like There was a big plot hole It's just they say the dumbest It's funny and upsetting to me And I just super don't want to be that guy So I'll sit with Veronica But on the other hand, if I go myself to a movie Or with a friend or something I'll leave before the final scene I don't want to get to the parking lot

AlexWell that's the thing You either need to stay until the end of the credits or be the first one out of there so you can get the first lift.

MaxYeah, I'll look up the plot somewhere on Wikipedia later to see how it ends.

AlexEvery Lucasfilm, we wait and go, that's Todd. Yeah. At the end, and it makes me so happy. I mean, we've talked about this, but they are, like, no joke, there are so many talented people. and you can work your entire life in Hollywood and be like the best, even like a low level guy, be the best gaffer in the world and never work on a good movie in your life. And it's just, it sucks. It's not your fault.

MerlinIt goes further than that. Like I've had friends who had made a good living as a writer of screenplays and none of them had ever been made.

AlexYeah, Sam. Yeah, yeah. It's wild.

MerlinI think also people should turn off motion smoothing. Well, I'm actually pro motion smoothing Well, I just, as long as it doesn't help the troops

MaxI had a little mini film related topic to ask you guys about Oh, can we, actually as a lead into this Could we talk about the treats? Please, I think they're out there Yeah, so due by Friday We don't read any ads or anything on this program so we won't read an ad for a mattress that has just the right sink and just the right bounce. We won't be reading an ad.

AlexNo air purifiers.

MaxYeah, no air purifiers where the technology definitely works and it's not a scam. We won't be reading ads for, fuck, I don't even know, ZipRecruiter. You won't be hearing any ZipRecruiter ads.

MerlinWhat about Rocket Mortgage? Will this message be brought to you by Rocket Mortgage? Oh, shit, I think it might be. We're not using the other cards anymore.

MaxYeah, but Dubai Friday, we have a weird funding model where it's just listener supported. And you can go to giveusyourfuckingmoney.com and you become a, what is it? Powder Nation or Cox's Cut? Yeah, a member, whatever it is of Dubai Friday. And so if you give us $5 a month, that will give you the special RSS feed of the Dubai Friday after show. and if you give us $10 a month at the Cox's Cuck level,

you get the RSS feed of the Super Secret After Show but you also get, periodically, you get a treat in the mail which is something weird and interesting that we make for you.

MerlinWhich we're not obligated to do.

AlexNo, no, no. No, we do it. It says on the page.

MerlinYou give us the money because we want the money. Here's the thing. Give us all of the money because we want the money. It's a treat because we're giving it to you. Don't expect too much.

MaxYeah, so we have not committed to what the treats are or when you get them. I haven't even committed to doing this show. But a couple times a year, we'll send stuff out to people. I just want your fucking money. And the treat that we did, we wanted to do a little holiday treat for people. And so we made Series 2. We have these little Dubai Friday prints that we're making. How would you describe them?

MerlinJust pure genius of Kevin Budnick on display once again.

MaxYep, that is a friend of the show, Kevin. So I think the idea for those was like, what if there were Dubai Friday Funko Pops?

MerlinYes, what started as Funko Pops, I tried to get us down to trading cards, and we ended up somewhere in between, which is bespoke handmade drawings by our brand manager and very good friend, Kevin Budnick. And the first set was the three of us, and like a G.I. Joe or a Barbie with our gear, each of us with our gear.

AlexBut it wasn't sold separately, so really, it was a super treat.

MerlinSo yeah, the second series of three came out, and who's on those?

MaxSo I can't remember It's Merlin's cat Merlin's cat Wow

AlexMerlin's cat Big wet president

MaxBig wet boy Our big wet guy And Jared the time guy Hey it's me

Speaker AGerald the time guy

MaxHey Gerald

AlexYeah I realized When we were sending those out Also these are so exclusive Not even Merlin

MerlinNo I don't get these I just don't get things Well Merlin Do you give us $10 a month

AlexOn Patreon

MerlinOh I fucked up Didn't I I fucked up I'm gonna cancel My strong songs and my technology connections and my gray and give it to us.

MaxIn Omniphone. Yeah, I mean, people, I'm actually... It's actually very sweet because when we send these little prints out, people put them up at their desk at work.

MerlinThey take a photo. It makes me so happy to see that these are.

MaxOh, I love seeing them on Twitter. I like it. I also like, you know the other thing I like about the way we did these is they're not like a branded, it doesn't say like Dubai Friday on it. It's just a little drawing. It's like a little mini.

MerlinYeah, it doesn't have like an MSNBC bug in the corner. like it's like it's just a thing it's just a little

Maxcartoon based like a little mini print it's like what like four inches by four inches it's like a little print probably six yeah

Merlinbut but but that's just one part there was another part that I think people have found extremely special

Maxbut it's like okay well you know what's good though is like you put that thing up in your in your cubicle or you put it up on your fridge or whatever and I like that it's like maybe someone else will see it and they'll be like oh Dubai Friday and that's Gerald the time guy right but it's not like a big like it's not a big ad no no exactly

AlexOh, look at it. You got Gerald. Well, now that we've talked about the thing that people can't get anymore.

MerlinEvery time Max is not on screen, people should be asking where's Max. Where's Max?

MaxHe's gone back to his home planet. What are we talking about? Oh, right. And then the other thing we made was a deck of playing cards. Also, a hand-drawn by Kevin Budnick. So Merlin is the kings, Alex is the queen, and I'm the jack.

MerlinAnd there's lots of – well, it's too late now. You can't get them. But there's some nice little Easter eggs in there, too, as some of our friends have discovered.

MaxLittle peanut butter and all kinds of fun stuff like that. It's from my work. And then I made a video that is 90 minutes long where I teach some of my favorite card tricks. And I also went out to some of my magician friends and asked them to teach some tricks. Wait, did you upload that? Oh, yeah. It's up on the thing. Oh, shit.

Speaker AI can see that.

MaxYeah, so I taught some card tricks in there. It's been cool. I've been watching on the Discord. People have been – Discord's like the little chat room that we have for the show. and people have been learning the tricks and then like doing them for their like family and friends and stuff. It's actually very gratifying and fun to see people doing a little magic and getting into magic. Yeah. And it is – I think it's too late to get this stuff. Like if you – let's say you became a $10 cuck today. It's not like we're sending you this stuff because you missed the window. But if you become a $10 cuck, you'll get the next thing we send. Yeah. And that will be the next round of treats and it will be something new.

MerlinI mean like so lots of little asterisks and footnotes. I learned a long time ago not to overcommit, but I think it's a pretty good deal because our show is really fucking good, and we appreciate your support. There are sometimes other little treats that we put in for members only. Don't expect it. Not too often. But quick just credits. Credits, brags, and thank yous. Thank you so much to Kevin for doing this. And excuse me, for doing all the stuff he does for us. I love his style so much. And I also wanted to say, I saw the numbers on this, and we spent some dough on this, so you should be really grateful.

We turned that cash right back around and brought the value back to the cucks. And I guess I just wanted to say I really do genuinely appreciate everybody who's supported the show. I don't want to bust a gut about it, but it's really nice. And I feel like for the size of our show and knowing the number of downloads and stuff, it's been really—this is not false modesty. I'm really fucking proud that like so many people help the show. That's all. Let's get back to the bits now. Thank you for your service.

Unless you're a troop. Oh, also I don't support

Alexfirst responders. That's the other one. Support the troopers,

Maxnot the troops. If you don't, if you're not a $10 cuck, you will be drafted into the war with Iran. I think you get, I do think you get, I'm not an expert, but I do think you get some sort of

Merlindeferment. Well, if they show up with the jackboots on the door, if you don't have the tattoo or flash in the gang sign, of the Dubai Friday Cucks.

MaxOkay. First they came for the free members, and I said nothing because I was not a free member.

AlexAnd then they came for all of Powder Nation.

MaxYeah.

AlexYou know what's so funny?

MaxNext to one of the coffee shops in my neighborhood that I go to all the time, there's a vape shop. Oh, no. One of those real pop-up-looking vape.

MerlinDarth Vapor.

MaxDarth Vapor. One of those real pop-up-ass-looking vape shops. And as it's been there for six months or a year or so, And as time has gone on, the store's window has become more and more political where they go. There's a huge sign in the window now that goes, flavors saved my life. Like write your congressman and tell him not to ban flavors.

MerlinThey become the more activist vape shop.

MaxI want the mint. And every time I walk by it, I think like first they came for the mango flavor. And I said nothing because I didn't vape mango.

MerlinYou can have my Virginia tobacco blend when you peel it from my cold, dead fingers.

MaxYeah. Then they came for my low-ohm cotton candy drink.

Speaker AAnd I said nothing because I didn't rip sick clouds. I was ripping sick cotton. You took away my constitution rights.

MaxOn this video, all right, here's my filmmaking question that I had. So I made this magic video, right? And at the beginning, I have this little montage. I set up the little chubby camera that we like and I did the motion time lapse of setting up the studio. Did you see it, Alex?

AlexNo, I have not yet. Fuck you guys.

MaxLet's learn some magic tricks.

MerlinThere it is.

MaxYou didn't watch my brilliant video. I didn't know it was posted.

MerlinI don't spend my day on Patreon.

MaxSo this is very rude.

MerlinOh, it's on Vimeo. That's cool. Okay. Should I give out the passcode? Is that cool? No, no. On the podcast?

AlexIt's for the patrons. Even if you, I think. It's for the $10 hucks. Yeah. Wow.

Speaker AWow.

AlexAlso, I have a feeling Max put music in there that shouldn't be there. So if too many people watch it, attention.

Speaker AWe'll get content ideas. Sorry, Radiohead. So, okay, so I had this montage of setting up my studio,

Maxand I was going through iTunes, and I was going through all the music I'm listening to, and I'm like, what little music should I put over this time lapse? Oh, this is amazing, Max. Thanks. Oh, it's got motion. Yeah. Wow. That's that little camera that we got. It does that. Yeah, the chumbie. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So do you know what I realized was, wait, let me just play it. I was thinking about montage music

MerlinWell leave off Well you're going to want to leave off the Watchmen part

MaxWhy?

MerlinBecause then people will know You're going to hear from the Desmond Decker estate

MaxHere we go I'm playing it This song

MerlinLove this scene so much

MaxI like we went back and rewatched This thing That sequence Of him like building the space suit Amazing.

MerlinIt's so good. This was on the jukebox. We had a free jukebox by the pool table in my college. So I've heard this song so many times. So many times. It's a good song, though.

MaxSo the first thing is that song is as stuck in my head right now as any song has ever been. I've just never heard the song before the Watchmen thing. That was my first exposure to it. But a total fucking earworm of the song.

MerlinYeah, it's really good.

MaxIt's also how good that montage is. It's just such a pleasing, like, it's such a great montage.

MerlinI love the way it slows down and gets a little stuttery at the start of the verse. I love that part.

MaxYeah, well, it's like that song you don't know. It almost sounds like a gospel song at the beginning. It takes a couple, you know, you don't really.

MerlinThat's one of the OG OG reggae songs, like from the, like, post, like, Rocksteady era.

MaxA fucking great song. Fucking great song. Great montage. and I was thinking, when I went back and watched that montage, I was like, I realized, A, I was like, this is such good storytelling. Like, they packed so much. You really get a sense of how long he's there and all the work he's doing and also what a genius he is. And, you know what I mean? He's like, you see all the multiple, like, versions of things he's making and where he's scavenging everything. Like, it really sells the idea of, like, how hard he's working for this.

AlexNow that I think about it, montages are kind of like, well, what's her name? Jokes. Like, a montage is horrific, unless it's done well and then it is just brilliant.

MaxAnd so I was thinking, yeah, so that was my first thought. I was like, this is the best montage in any media that I've ever seen. But also I was thinking, I'd love a good montage.

MerlinMe too. Me too. I was listening back to, they did the incomparable on Elf and I was forgetting how many hilarious montages, to me, hilarious, because I'm one of the people who likes Will Ferrell. There's so many hilarious montages in Elf. I agree with you. It's just that when it's used for lazy, 80s styles storytelling, That's what made it bad. It's just, you know, you burn two minutes. You know, montage challenge. I'm going to write it down.

MaxWell, that was my discussion topic. I was going to ask, do you guys have any that stand out in your mind? Oh, yeah, sure. Like, that's a fucking cool montage.

AlexI mean, yes, but should we save it for a challenge? I could make this a challenge.

MerlinI feel like I remember Devil Wears Prada having some good ones.

AlexYeah, it was all right. Do you remember the Pitch Perfect one?

MerlinI'll say The Wire. Makeover montages can be, there's two kinds of montages that get way overused, in my opinion. The makeover montage and the Rambo getting ready for combat, strapping the knife to your calf kind of thing. Under which I would also include stuff like, I love MacGyver, but MacGyver had a lot of very silly montages. What was yours, Max?

MaxWhat's one that comes to mind? I would say, this is an easy pick, but the wire, the sort of end of season wire montage.

MerlinEnd of season ones? Oh my God, yes.

MaxWell, I think season four, the one with the school, I think is probably, or no, it's season three or four. They're all fucking-

MerlinSeason four is the school. Season three is basically season one, part two. Yeah. Season two is the doc. Season five is the paper. Season one's the one that ends with McNutty on the boat, right?

MaxYes.

MerlinIt's such a great ending.

MaxAll of those montages are really well done and they're also kind of notable because it's the only time there's non-diegetic music in the whole show. And so it's the only time, you're watching hours and hours of the show and the only time you hear a song that's not coming from the scenes in these montages. And they super stand out. I mean, they're...

MerlinWhat about Finding the Bodies in Goodfellas with Layla? Ooh, that's a good one. I think it's a good one. I think it's a... Alex, you like movies. What do you think about that? No, that one's... Where they find the frozen in the truck and the bodies in the car. Now you don't think so? Well, here's the thing. This is the wire one.

MaxThis is the good wire one. This is like season three, maybe. You ever know this one?

MerlinDo you know this one? I don't remember it.

Speaker AI don't think so. That's so good.

Alexseason three a lot happened again season three anyway well here's the issue with like gangster like oh we caught them at the end type stuff after got the godfather part one ending i feel like no other montage lives up to it but it's it's pretty good and and also though in goodfellas there's that single tracking shot through the club and that's that's like my my my jam from yeah that's

Merlinreally really good yeah yeah you know um i'm trying to think oh no not children of men what am i thinking of i don't think that has a montage um i did hear for some reason i woke up really early woke up at like three or four and i ended up listening to a ton of king crimson and uh it's just really weird how like you can be hearing a song for most of your life and then it's in a piece of media and then that becomes your new context for it like there's this scene where i think when they go to Michael Caine's house in Children of Men, he's playing in the court

of the Crimson King. And it's that's so like I imprinted on that so hard that now it's what's obviously one of the greatest of all time King Crimson songs. And when you hear it, it's like, I don't know. It's just weird. It's so strange. Moments snap together like magnets. Are there any montages in Equus? I don't think so.

MaxI sent you a good one in the thing.

Merlindingus oh my oh my um this is the opening okay stand out in your memory merlin i see carmella um i'm looking at the sinatra song oh it was a very good year i don't remember this so this

Maxwould be like 1999 2000 it's fucking awesome oh yeah this is like magnolia level stuff this is this is the opening of soprano season two that's an all-timer montage for me oh yeah this is great I'm going to put this in my Bastic. Okay, save.

AlexWait, what? Hold on. Hold what? What's your Bastic? Do you have a YouTube Bastic?

MerlinOh, just my Watch Later. Yeah, my Watch Later. Oh. I'm a big Watch Later boy.

MaxLet's get to the challenge, because I've got to go. What do I have? I have something going on at one.

MerlinAre we saving Danny DeVito for the after show? Yeah. Oh, yeah. Okay, cool. That's our challenge.

MaxOh, boy.

MerlinAll right. Oh, well. Hmm. Uh, hmm.

MaxWe'll discuss. Okay, okay. The challenge this week was enjoy a marijuana. Do a marijuana. Do a marijuana. I had thought, well, I picked this challenge, and I had thought that, well, on January 1st, marijuana was legalized, and I thought, of course, Alex and I would go scurry out, and we'd go buy, we'd go to this wonderful candy shop of legal marijuana, the dispensary, and we'd just go buy some treats, and we'd take them home and smoke them. I personally would roll it up like a cigarette and smoke it

in the privacy of my own home. But lo and behold, there were huge lines at all the dispensaries, and they're all sold out. Really? No kidding.

Speaker AHow interesting.

MaxIt's fucking bone dry. There's no marijuana in the city of Chicago.

AlexYep. No other way to get it.

MaxWell, I personally was so excited to find out what it was like to smoke the devil's lettuce, but I still don't know.

Speaker AThere's no way of knowing.

MaxThere's no way to know what it's like. Nope. So I did not do the challenge per se, but I'm happy to have a talk about the weed. Well, did you? Did you, Alex?

AlexWell, I guess I did the... I didn't.

MerlinListen, if the challenge is to have marijuana, you just have to make your peace with saying whether you did it or not. I don't think we should be too clever about this.

AlexYeah, I did a drug. I feel like the statute of limitations is up. Also, I'm white, so weed has always been legal. Here's the thing.

MaxThis is my advice from being a lawyer.

MerlinYeah, you went to that law school in the strip mall.

MaxYeah. It's not legal to buy marijuana from a dealer, but if you have it, I don't think it's illegal to have it.

MerlinExactly.

MaxOh, right. You forgot how you got it. Yeah, well, the cops will be like, do you have a receipt for that? And you'll be like, no.

MerlinAnd they'll be like, okay, go about your business.

MaxYou know what I mean? It's like, yeah. No, I think it's fine.

MerlinYou should ask him to say, say, show me your dick. Cause the only way you can prove it's really a cop is if they'll show you his dick.

Speaker ASir, I am, am I being detained?

MaxI am a sovereign citizen. I have the constitution on this card.

AlexOh God.

MaxI did. You know what I was thinking? I was like, it's also legal to grow. Like you can have like up to like four marijuana plants or something like that. And I was thinking maybe now that it's legal, I should start growing weed like in my greenhouse. But then I was like, well, it's like legal to grow tomatoes and I still buy those at the store.

MerlinI think they're going to Al Capone you if you do that. I mean, that's I mean, like, so ha ha. Here's the joke that it has been deregulated for a long time in places like California. It has been legal in places like, well, let's go even further. San Francisco has its own pretty whack, not wackadoo, but like pretty extreme laws about stuff like guns and certain drugs. You know, Berkeley in San Francisco, or Berkeley in particular, is a community where they're really always pushing the envelope. But the thing is, just because it's legal in Berkeley does not make it legal in California.

And just because it's legal in California doesn't make it legal in the United States. And there's all these jurisdictional issues. As I understand it, I mean, you're the one who went to the strip mall law school. I understand there's a lot of complexity to this. And at the same time, you could have stringency of like, okay, well, this county in Georgia has these crazy anti-abortion laws. But like, is that the same here? Like Mississippi, your hallways at your abortion clinic have to be a certain width because it needs to follow hospital guidelines. And there's just such this morass of the ways that laws at different levels of jurisdiction collide with each other.

And I feel like I'm not a marijuana person, but my understanding is that what you're saying a lot of times is, yes, it's legal for this or legal for that. It's legal for this purpose or that purpose. But that does not obviously supersede federal law. It's just that they're not, from a jurisdictional standpoint, they're not enforcing that federal law unless they want to Al Capone you.

AlexIs that right? What was his, like, the law?

MerlinOh, that he killed a lot of people who went to jail for tax evasion.

AlexYeah, yeah, yeah. Al Capone killed people? What?

MerlinWell, no, it's also, it's the same thing. It's like, why do white people get pulled over so much less than black people? Because black people get pulled over, they trump up some charge, beat the shit out of the person, and, like, you come up with these, It's like that's when people, this is what white privileged people don't understand is like even a speeding law can be used to, I mean, you either know this or you're rolling your eyes at how obvious this is. Even a law about speed limits will have a different level of discrimination based on selective enforcement.

AlexRight.

MerlinDo you have my back on this? Isn't that correct?

AlexYeah.

MerlinSelective enforcement. We made the joke about being white. Selective enforcement is a huge thing. And when we say, oh, this law is good, this will protect us from the bad guys of whatever our imagined bad guy is, what we're really saying is we have one more tool in our toolbox to basically discriminate against people who we'd like to jam up anyway.

MaxWell, I mean, there's an obvious problem along those lines with Chicago, for example, with the implementation of the marijuana law, which is you're not allowed to smoke. So if you're poor, let's say, you live in an apartment building, and most of these apartment buildings have a rule that says you can't smoke indoors, right? And you also can't smoke in any sort of business or anything like that in the city of Chicago. There's no sort of indoor smoking in any businesses or places of work or anything.

And there's also prohibitions against smoking on the street and in public parks. So even though you have sort of a right to smoke marijuana by law in Illinois, you don't actually have the ability to practice that right. So I would sort of take issue with the idea of saying, I mean, what is a right, right? It's like, well, it's like you don't mean anything.

MerlinA right is whatever you can eventually defend in court.

MaxI guess, but it's like, but you don't meaningfully have the opportunity to smoke marijuana.

MerlinOh, no, I totally agree. Well, here's another way to look at it is smoking laws, which started out when things really started to tip in the 90s and the environments really changed. As it happens, my wife, the university med school that my wife works at is the host of this giant archive of all the smoking files that came out and stuff like the letters. I've told you about this. The letters of agreement with Sly Stallone had this many appearances of this brand of cigarette in the movie and all that kind of stuff. But when that finally tipped in the 90s, and the FDA got their game on,

then you started seeing lots of public health laws. So as early as the 80s, I've told you the story about when I worked at a restaurant, and on the last day before the law passed, we had to have a non-smoking section. So my boss sent me to the hardware store to buy a no-smoking sign and put it over the worst table in the restaurant. So that, already, that's a little bit of a loophole. Now we've got a non-smoking section. Fuck you. but it went from being public health laws to being employment laws. So in San Francisco in the late nineties, I want to say they made a, a like an OSHA style law,

not OSHA, but you know, a employee law that you couldn't have smoking in a place because it harms the employees. Right. Which is an interesting angle. But then what happened? Guess what? Owner in places that were all of the employees are owners. It's okay to smoke. It was just the weirdest thing. It's just like loophole after loophole of these kinds of things. Well, you've seen the Nathan Few thing with this, right? Which one is that?

MaxOh, smoking in the bar with the play? Yeah, if you're allowed to smoke if it's part of a play.

Speaker AYes, exactly. Oh, my God, I love it so much.

MerlinOh, the two ladies in the two chairs. Oh, my God, that episode is so good. So anyway, let's talk about happy things. Who likes marijuana?

MaxI enjoy occasionally the marijuana. Oh, you know, here's a question I would love to throw to you guys, but also I would be interested in feedback from the Dubai Friday listeners.

I have a question about this. So, you know, when you – so, like, I've been to a dispensary in California, right? And it's like a fucking – like an old school, like, candy shop. There's just so many marijuanas that you can buy. All varieties and different parts of – different percentages of different chemicals.

MerlinAre they mostly, like, really clean and tidy organized?

MaxThe one that I went to was very, it was almost like science-y feeling. Like it had like a lot of, you know, those like sealed plastic containers and everything was sort of crisp and hygienic. It didn't feel illicit or dingy in any way.

MerlinWell, as opposed to, say, going to a place to buy a bong in the hate, where that would be a very different vibe.

MaxCorrect. No, it wasn't that at all. It wasn't stonery at all. It felt sort of strip mall health clinic. Yeah, it was fine.

MerlinLike a place you get a flu shot.

MaxYeah, exactly. But my question is, does it, I'm interested in your guys' thoughts about this. Does it actually matter what you buy? Or is it all basically the same? Hmm. I would, I think it's a little bit like wine maybe, where like maybe if you're like a super connoisseur, you can like slightly taste the difference or whatever. But most people can't really tell even the difference between red and white wine.

AlexOh, really?

MerlinIt's all tangy. Blindfolded. This is tangy and tastes like wine Where's my ribbon?

MaxBlindfolded, most people cannot tell the difference between red and white wine Including like wine You can go on YouTube and look it up but there's lots of like fun BuzzFeed videos where it's like we took wine experts and blindfolded them and they couldn't tell the difference between this type and that type

AlexOh yeah, that documentary Psalm, that's just like Oh, so bad It's a good documentary, everyone in there is a terrible person

MerlinI'm Craig Middlebrooks, and this is my debit reward card.

AlexYeah. Oh. I will say I have seen, like, there's a difference between Indica and Sativa, right? Is there? Yeah. Yes.

MaxIsn't it interesting if you read the, if you, like, take a little baggie of weed and you're like, oh, this is the one that chills you out. And then you smoke it. You're going to feel chilled out. And if you have the same weed and it was labeled, like, this is the one that's, like, good for creativity. You'd be like, wow.

MerlinOh, it's like a potsebo.

Alexeffect yeah well here's here's the thing indica a pure like a pure indica and a pure sativa and it's it's also like what what is quote pure anymore like most of the stuff you buy is a hybrid and it has it's like uh i think like nutritional supplements like there's all these claims or whatever but since it's not regulated you don't know what effect it's going to have on your body something it'll make some people really energetic and un-giggly and other people they're going to be super paranoid and want to hide in the closet.

Like, it is different, but it all depends.

MerlinSo I'm trying to find this on the internet. Sativa is a heady thing. Indica is a more, like, feeling stone thing. Is that right?

AlexYeah. To remember it, you think of it as Indicouch. So if you have an Indica, you're definitely gonna sink into a fat boy beanbag.

MaxI've never gotten the same answer twice from people about what the different type. I think it's all me.

Alexthat's not no wait wait wait hold on i'm interested what have they said it's everyone's

Maxgot their own oh this is more of a body high and this is more of a head high and this is an upper

Alexand this is down it's all fucking made up well that's yeah because all the plants have been like chemically those two there's like actual scientific names for them or whatever but any sort of hybrid like people are just growing plants and mixing them together like it's essentially a weed so and again it's not regulated so it's like who knows melatonin works great for some people it gives me horrific nightmares and i don't like it i will say really interesting yeah i do not like

Merlina melatonin um are you listening to the dream again are you back on the dream yeah oh yeah love

Alexit it's really good and scary they took like a like a long like hiatus right it's well they

Maxthey do it in seasons so yeah but no but i mean like there was like season two i have like the

Merlinfirst like three episodes yes and then i don't have a new one since like november oh yeah well they took off for the holidays they were off for the holidays but this is and they're basically backing up chapter and verse everything i've been hearing from my shrink for years about like the quality the lack of quality control right in especially indian and chinese generics like it's it's horrifying and did you hear the one about that one drug that had 60 different impurities in

Alexit it was like all those people have been so scary and the oh there's i mean slight spoilers but like Some of the supplements have literally, it's like, ah, male enhancement. And they're literally putting off-brand Viagra into them. So you're just, oh, it's so scary. The only supplements I take are caffeine, really. So other than our challenge thing.

MerlinDid I ever tell you this story, though? My shrink is adamant about, look, we're going to put you on this one. If you really want to do the generic, we'll do the generic. But I really want you to monitor this and talk to me. And he's told me, I mean, he's a very interesting guy. But one of his anecdotes was he had a patient come in and it was clear that something was extremely wrong. And was like, well, are you still taking your, I want to say, what's the one that's not Lexapro? What's the one everybody takes for antidepressant?

AlexLike Paxil or something? Or Zola?

MerlinAnyway, but like there was one and she'd been on the generic of that. And he adamantly believed that she had not been taking it at all. But it was generic. And it was just like, so there's two things. People will tell you they really want you to believe. They really want you to believe there's absolutely no difference, which is just scientifically untrue. What a generic needs to have is this much of a thing. Okay? So when you say it's this, it's St. John's Wort. That means this needs to have this much St. John's Wort in it.

And then, well, first of all, is it? And is it the right amount? But third, like what the fuck else is in there and who's checking on it? Guess what? Nobody. It's bananas. So that's, we'll probably get to this later, but this is one of my, you can't fight big CBD, but like this is one of my concerns with the CBD oil because CBD does one of two things to me, absolutely nothing or it makes me trip.

Speaker AYep.

MerlinAnd there's no other reason for me to believe that I'm waking up tripping, like honestly feeling like I had half a tab of acid, which I've had many times. Well, there's no unsafe dosage. There's literally, you could take the entire extant amount of CBD oil that ever will be created and give it to your family and literally, literally nothing can happen except for minor improvements.

AlexIncluding your child. Yeah.

MerlinIt's an adaptogen, Alex. It's an adaptogen.

AlexWell, I mean, I think that's because it's not like wine. Wine is alcohol. Like it's going to have most wines have the same alcohol content. And like we're not talking about taste.

MerlinThis is the this gets to I'm really running a little long here. This is what gets to the question with me and marijuana. I have a whole sordid history with marijuana that I've talked about before. Suffice it to say that while most drugs, I can have all of the drugs or I can have all of the alcohol, there's something about marijuana where it either does nothing or way, way, way too much with me. And I know CBD oil is supposedly not marijuana and there's absolutely no THC that could even possibly be in there. But why is it that my body either feels absolutely nothing or way, way, way too much based on a difference of drops?

AlexI think you have an allergy to some specific thing. And it's... What's bad? Like, what? You can be allergic to a plant. Like, there are many... Oh, no, no, no. I'm allergic to troops. Hold on. Oh, boy.

166. Janey Made a Toodle

Show notes

Transcript

166. Janey Made a Toodle

Show notes

Transcript

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