164. My Hog Is My Business

AlexThis is Do By Friday, a weekly challenge podcast with Merlin Mann, Alex Cox and Max Temkin. This week's challenge. Have a holiday party.

MerlinWhich one of you is watching me because I literally just put my headphones on and then the phone rang. That would be me. I am watching you. John should not teach his son to drive.

He should get him a segue. That's probably true. Ladies. Ladies. I don't know if this is going to work at all.

Speaker BHello? Whoa. We're still in the technical difficulties. Hello, hello.

MerlinIs that Kevin?

Speaker BThis is the Kevin voice.

MerlinHi, Kevin. I think you're on your computer mic.

Speaker AI am. Let me pull my mic closer to you.

Merlinshwerp hello look at all these faces can you hear is this better yeah you sound great uh hey everybody that's kevin hey guys hey kevin hey kevin kevin that's everybody this is gonna be so hard to listen to no it's gonna be terrible um i have as i mentioned i have three handles for max and four for alex while we're waiting kevin can you give me tips on how to draw butts I hear that's a little more challenging than people would have originally thought.

Speaker ASee, it's not as hard as you might think, though.

MerlinThat's what she said.

Speaker AOh, there it is. Damn it.

MerlinMichael, I didn't know you were coming.

Speaker AThat's what she said.

MerlinMy daughter and I cry every time. Oh, so Kevin was telling us how to draw butts. Tiff, you like to draw things. Do you draw butts? Yeah, can I send you a butt? Where can I send a butt?

Speaker ASend us a butt.

MerlinOh, just anywhere.

Speaker ATwitter.com. I'll send it in the chatty chat.

MerlinOkay, CPC.

Speaker BOh, God. Upsetting lack of drawings in the show notes for that episode about butts.

Speaker AHere, wait. I'll put those in the holiday party channel really quick. All right, I'm sending it in the holiday party. I still have them all. Ready for some party ass? Party asses. No. Yes. You know, the way to draw the butt is you draw yourself and then you erase the rest.

Merlinerase everything that's not a butt

Speaker Berase everything that's not shaped like a butt

Speaker Ayeah

Speaker BI'm all butt

Speaker Aalright here it comes clicking

Alexwhy do you have Casey's face oh no is everyone here already everyone is here

Speaker Boh wow that's a really good butt Tiff see it's three quarter view it's not head on

Maxso an angled butt is okay

Speaker Ait's a sexy angled butt

Speaker Bto the left we have the polygon version where you can see the different facets. Chiara-scuro. Oh, I see.

MerlinWhoa, whoa, whoa. Tiff, did you draw that? I did. With the muscles and stuff?

Speaker BIs it from that statue that we can see on the side of the picture? Yeah, yeah. The cast. It wasn't a live butt. It was a marble butt.

Speaker AThat's a marble butt, yeah. Marbled butt.

Speaker BI mean, it looks marbled. You have drawn live butts, though, right?

Speaker AI have, but mostly not like butt on. I'm not standing behind the model.

MerlinSo wait, so Kevin, you put three images in the Super Super Channel. there's one that's a bunch of hearts slash penises we know who that is one that's a bunch of hairy asses and then one that's a bunch of seemingly angry butt faces

Speaker Bthey do look angry don't they I had real questions about whoever it was that said I think it was Alex who said butts are just like boobs without nipples they are not that was Merlin hey Mark are you recording me

Speaker Ayeah cool

Alexeveryone's recording Yay!

Speaker AOh, yeah, everybody's recording. But it's so weird because no one had to call me, so I feel like hovering over here.

MaxYou're channel two on mine. Don't worry. We're recording on separate tracks, and sorry, Quinn, for everything.

AlexYou're the one person I know who gets looped back to work every single time. I'm not one of those people.

Speaker BSo can someone identify the butt pictures now, by the way? What's one, what's two, what's three?

MerlinYou know what number one is. You know who that is.

Speaker BThe penile butts are Alex's. Those are Alex's crimes. Yes, yes, yes. She might need to study up on anatomy a little bit.

Speaker AA little bit.

MerlinNo, no, this is how an AI works. This is how an AI works. You feed it lots of things. You give it one, and then the other, and then a third that's not the thing. And this is her AI. It's returning. This is not butt. It's insertion.

MaxWell, I think the problem that Alex has is that their computer just isn't fast enough.

AlexI agree. I know.

MaxOh, true. So true. I think, Alex, so have you ordered the iMac Pro yet? You can get it tomorrow.

AlexI could have gotten it. The Apple store just closed, and I have a friend who we all – who am I thinking this is a weird flex? We all have friends who work at Apple stores. They're like, are you going to get it? Are you going to – you know, we're closing soon. I could put it aside. I could put it aside. I'm like, no, no, no, no, no.

Speaker BOh, no. You've got an iMac pusher?

AlexOh, yeah. Yeah, many an iMac pusher.

Speaker BThat's how they get you. Oh, boy.

AlexBut one day.

Speaker BFirst wire's free. All right. So drawing number two, the series of the speckle butts. The hairy butts and the angry butts are both mine.

Speaker AAre those hairs? I thought they were freckles. How hairy are they? It's hair or freckles or zits or whatever. It's butt texture.

MerlinOh, I see. I thought it was adult acne.

Speaker ADo people really grow hair there? You have like, does hair grow on a butt like that? No. I don't have hair. You're going to make me. Aren't you Italian, Tiff?

Speaker BDoes hair grow on a butt?

Speaker ABut it doesn't grow there. I think everybody has a fine layer of hair covering every part of their body.

MerlinThey call it the Long Island follicles. Seriously. Here, Tiff, check my butt. Do I have it?

Speaker AYeah, let me see. Let me see your butt.

MerlinYou strike me as a waxer, Marco. I can see that.

Speaker AYou do a little bit, yeah. Yeah, see? He totally told his hands down. Butt hairs.

MerlinHow are we just finding this out? How long have you two been married? I don't know.

Speaker BHow often do you look at a man's butt?

MaxJeff recently told me that I had this large birthmark on my back. I never knew about it. It looks like a tramp stamp. I didn't know about it until two weeks ago. He's like, what? Are you sure it's a birthmark? Yeah. Apparently, it's been there for the entire time we've known each other, which is quite a long time now. It's always been there. And I never knew about it until two weeks ago. Hello? Hey!

MerlinSpeaking of butts. He has such a story.

AlexYou missed the part where we just talked about pegging.

MerlinYou never know when you're going to have to, let's be honest, identify a body. So, you know, it's like. Yeah, that's exactly what I was thinking, too. Yeah, well, yeah. And it's like, you know, when they bring you into the hospital, it's like returning a rental car. You know, they want to circle all the dings.

Speaker BOr if the aliens try to replace him with a clone, she'll know. Yeah, that's true. They'll leave off the birthmark.

Speaker ALet's just hope he doesn't lose his butt in a horrible accident.

MerlinMarco goes off half-butted. Hi, my name is Marco Arment. Like hundreds of Americans every year, I have lost my butt. What did you guys talk about on ATP? John's going to teach his son to drive for some reason.

MaxYeah, also, you know, the Mac Pro apparently has a few more things we can talk about about it.

MerlinNo. How's it going, Casey? I'm great. Thank you for asking, Merlin. Glug, glug, glug, glug. You've always been my favorite.

MaxWho do you think is going to get drunk enough to get a Mac Pro while we're on the holiday party? Alex.

Speaker BIt's got to be Alex, right? It's got to be Alex.

AlexWho thinks that people know our Patreon? who thinks I'm going to buy a Mac Pro?

Speaker BYou're going to get someone to buy it for you. You're going to get Max to buy you the iMac Pro.

AlexI would say that an iMac Pro is definitely something for my work.

MaxI get all of my computer advice from the ATP program, and I've heard that the hosts of that program have not personally purchased one.

AlexWhat? Yes, they have.

MaxWait, who's both? One of us has.

Speaker BHe's not even caught up.

MaxHe's such a... No, I'm quite behind, but did someone get one?

Speaker BYes.

AlexI'm sitting next to one right now. Fake ATP, girl.

Speaker BDo you hear this noise? That's me hitting the Mac Pro.

AlexOh, my God.

Speaker BThat's my head, dude.

MaxNow, to be fair, none of us have actually used one yet. True, true. But John is sitting next to one for some reason.

AlexEmotional support.

MaxAnd Casey and I both have iMac Pros now. So, really, the entire cast of ATP is telling you to get Alex at least an iMac Pro.

AlexMike has an iMac Pro. Steven's got an iMac Pro. Jason has one.

Speaker Aeveryone has an iMac Pro don't you want to be cool Alex?

Speaker Blet's not go too far here

AlexI did just buy that MacBook Air for $150 on Amazon that I adore it a little 11 incher

Speaker Aoh nice

Alexthat's satisfying I've always been a fan of 11 inches some people say it's too much I don't know

MerlinAlex is a bezel queen she likes those big bezels but you cannot lie.

Speaker AIt is. It's all about the bezels. That's what they say. Big old bezel.

MerlinYeah, it's not the size.

Speaker ANo, no, no. It's not the length. It's the bezel.

Speaker BThat's how you use it for your work. Again, perhaps see a doctor.

AlexAll right. For everyone's sanity, I think we should do a virtual roundtable and say who we are. Hello, my name is Alexandra Cox. I am the co-host of Dubai Friday. You're the jazz girl. I'm the jazz girl of Dubai Friday, the program that you're listening to now. My other co-host, Merlin Mann. Hi, Merlin Mann.

MerlinHello, Alex, and thank you so much for joining the holiday party. Let me introduce you to our breakout hit character, Max Temkin. Hi, Max. Hi, everybody. I'm so happy to be here. Thanks for having me. It's so good to have you.

Speaker BMax was killed on his way back to his home planet.

MaxEvery time Max isn't on screen, people should be going. Where's Max?

MerlinWe should also introduce the Cards Against Humanity something something print boy and brand manager for Dubai Friday. Hey, everybody. It's Kevin Budnick. That's me, the print boy. Yay! Print boy. I'm the print boy.

AlexAnalog Alex. Woo!

MaxYeah, I'm like Alex, but with paper. You know, Kevin is kind of a painting goblin. Oh, shit.

Speaker AI'm a little bit of a painting goblin. In a way.

MaxIn a way.

Speaker AI would be if I were confined to only live in the print shop.

MerlinI've never seen you not in the print shop. Kevin, we're going to take your door, and we want you to stay in here and paint. There's a shower. There's a toilet. You got a toilet? Of course.

AlexIt's 13 degrees off.

MerlinThe good news is you're going to get really good at painting. And somebody introduce somebody else.

AlexOh, how about we go with John Syracuse69. Hi.

Speaker BNo numbers, Alex. I wasn't thinking specifically. In fact, I had forgotten that you had 42. But yeah, you totally fell into the 40 trip. Hi, I'm John. I'm one of the hosts of ATP. I'm here.

AlexOh, and you recently co-hosted an episode I've literally been waiting for for a decade since 2009.

Oh, yeah. And can you introduce your other co-hosts?

Speaker BI have to introduce my own co-host. What kind of place is this? Oh, my God. What is happening? I feel like this is the first episode of the Marvelous Mrs. Maisel season three where she forgets to introduce the other people. Sorry, spoiler alert.

MerlinLadies and gentlemen, it's Tiffany Arman. Hi, Tiff. Who?

Speaker AWho is this person? Who's on the line? You sound like now I'm in trouble. I feel like you're... Tiffany Arman, get over here.

Alexcome on down sorry mom Tiff what are you up to these days

Speaker Awe're not done introducing what am I not up to these days that's what I'm okay yes you jumped on my up to's

Speaker Bshe's gotta say what she's up to and who she is I'm up to no good she's drawing butts too

Speaker Athat's right

Speaker Bbetter butts than us yeah that's a good butt

AlexI bet so that's what they say about my butts

Speaker Asomeone's gonna clip that and take it out of context They're good butts.

MerlinLet's see. Who are we up to? There's John Sturkiewicz. Oh, and then you got Tiffany's better half. Hey, everybody. It's Marco Armit. Hi. Are we still the better half of Tiffany?

MaxYeah, better is a strong word.

MerlinFriend of the show, Casey. Hey, everybody. It's Casey Liss. Hi, Casey. Hey, everybody. How's it going? Well, let's wrap it up. I love you. All right. It's been great talking to everyone. Okay, good night, everybody. Good party.

Speaker AYeah, my martini's almost gone already.

Speaker BEveryone go around the table and say what they're thankful for. What are you thankful for?

AlexIt's been seven minutes.

MerlinI'll be the one asking the questions here, me and my toilet place. Oh, my God. Are we done? Is this enough?

Speaker AWe're seven minutes in and I've already finished my first drink. What's everybody drinking? I have a peppermint chocolate espresso martini. Whoa. Wow. I know. That sounds sinful. It is.

MerlinThat should come with seven ibuprofen.

Speaker ASomeone's not going to be able to go to sleep.

MerlinWoof. Oh, man. That would give me a dinger. Woof.

Speaker AI've had three white claws.

MaxI just opened up a bottle of wine. Pussy. So basic. I have a large, hazy IPA. I'm getting classy drunk. In your wine cave? What kind of wine is it, Max? It's a bottle of Ruby Port. Ruby Port. That's my pole dancer name. It says 1670 on it, so maybe that's when it's from. Nice. macavity. How are those legs? Got long legs. Is that a question to me? Yeah, yeah. Yeah, it's a wine question. It doesn't have legs. It comes in a bottle. He's a fake

Speaker Bwine girl. He doesn't know anything about wine.

MaxOh, man. There's a lot going

Merlinon in here. You're supposed to just swirl it around and say somewhat amusing.

Speaker AYeah. And then when you see the drippy bits, those are the legs. Yeah, you want long drippy bits. The clingy drippy bits on the

Speaker Bside of the glass. You can watch those drippy bits and see how even though they continually drip down they never exhaust themselves how does that work it's called

Merlinrecursion and then we've got oh there's that tito's so so it looks like alexandra you're having a tito's and diet coke from mcdonald's i am okay i have a question for john john were you one of

Maxwere you ever in um let's say like seventh grade and you designed a perpetual motion machine in

Speaker Byour spiral notebook where the fuck is this coming from no and by seventh grade i knew perpetual motion machines weren't possible? Come on. Read a book. Read a book? Seriously.

MaxI knew a lot of people like John growing up and there were basically two categories of guy. You had one guy who would... The people who

Speaker Bunderstood thermodynamics and the people who didn't.

AlexOh!

MaxYou had one kind of guy that would invent perpetual motion machines with magnets in their spiral notebook and another kind of guy who would draw very intricate pictures of tanks.

Speaker BOh, you're close. You're close. You know, in seventh grade I was drawing very intricate pictures of Battlestar Galactica vipers and f-16s you are the other guy yes wow that's the dark side no that's the good side because i'm drawing fictional things that are cool instead of like ridiculous things that we know are not possible like perpetual motion machines i mean what's next i'm going to be drawing the the the individual humors of the human body or the ether that everything like debunked science from previous centuries a female clitoris all these men

AlexJohn, what are you drinking this evening?

Speaker BI am drinking water. All right.

MerlinIs it on a different level than your computer?

Speaker BIt is. Okay. It is on a different level from all the computers in this room, the ones in boxes and out of boxes. Oh, my word. John, when was the last time you had alcohol? Let's see.

MaxAre you getting out a leather date book?

Speaker BI think I probably took a sip of one of my wife's alcoholic drinks at dinner sometime in the past few months.

MerlinNo, but when have you actually consumed an entire drink?

Speaker BOn purpose? Yes.

MerlinDid you do it accidentally?

Speaker ADo you frequently get tricked?

Speaker BYes. Sometimes I get roofied or whatever. Let's see. I can't remember. It's probably a long time ago, and it was probably a glass of wine at a family dinner many years ago.

Speaker AWell, I'm ready for another one.

Speaker BI'll be back. Yeah, you're covering all the drinking for me. I think you've got it covered.

MerlinOkay, there's my Canada Dry. Oh, that's a good Canada Dry. I figure somebody, you need a designated driver for the first part of this, I figure.

Speaker BWhy is that not me?

MerlinOh, shit, that's right. You got your Canada Dry, you got your Advil. I know, I love that the Advil is right next to the Canada Dry.

Speaker BAnd the Altoys, because we don't want to have to smell his stinky breath on this podcast.

MerlinI have to look at my pictures. Just look at the Canada Dry. Don't look at everything.

Speaker BLook at the jug. Oh, no, the jug.

MerlinWhat percentage is that isopropyl alcohol? It's not very safe to have it next to a Buddha.

Speaker BThat's not the pee jug?

MerlinDomino, that's not canonical.

Speaker BI like the symbolism of the Buddha beset by rubber bands.

Speaker AI like how small your Ewok is.

MerlinWhy is that a dental pick? Why do you have teeth? Oh, God. Dental pick. Buddha needs rubber bands. I hate all my friends.

AlexWhat's coming out of that glass bottle? A dental tool?

MerlinWhat? It's a... At least he needs braces. Soy sauce. It's an empty soy sauce.

Speaker BWhat's in the bottle, though?

MerlinWhat's in the bottle? It's just my dental pick.

Speaker BYeah. He does home dentistry and lizard husbandry.

MerlinSo I fit in my food tube. That's Domino.

Speaker AThe dental pick is eerie and terrifying.

MerlinI don't like this. Can you solve my riddle?

MaxLook, if you zoom in on the bell, you can see the reflection of a lot of other things in the room. It's called recursion. Oh, yeah, that's right.

Speaker BWe can reconstruct the entire room from that picture.

MerlinNo, there's nothing to see. Oh, my God, it's my hog.

Is that triggering to you, Alex, to see all those lenses on the camera?

Speaker BWe can read the text off his screen.

MaxIt's December 20th, 2019. I'm doing a podcast with Dubai Friday and ATP. My hog is out.

Speaker AIt is blue.

MerlinI took my hog out 35 minutes ago. That's my secret. I'm always hogging.

Speaker BSpeaking of inappropriate things Max might do, I have not seen the Survivor finale, so please no spoilers.

MaxI will not spoil the finale, but is there anything that you would like? I did attend the finale live with my close personal friend Jeff Probst.

Speaker BI looked for you in the audience because we started watching it.

MaxI was there. The Discord found it.

Speaker BYou got clocked so fast. There's a picture here. There were multiple photos. Show me the audience picture because we started watching it but then had to stop.

Speaker AYeah, I'm going to go back and find the photos. There were at least six people in the Discord who were like, Go for Max.

AlexI thought at first it was creepy, but then watching it, you are clearly there. And I was like, oh, holy shit. you can see a lot like so were those like primo seats yeah we we were in the like like foj section

Maxso um we were we were yeah yeah so that was like jeff's like friends and family who were with us and uh wasn't worth playing for we got we got brought in we got a very vip treatment from the cbs corporation and then we got brought into our seats and we're sitting right on the aisle and And Alon goes, one of us is going to high five Jeff when he comes in with the votes. Do you want it? Should it be me or you? And I was like, fuck no. I don't want to be on anything. And so Alon stood in the aisle and then he gave Jeff a big high five when he came through.

Speaker BWhy is that arrow pointing to his crotch?

AlexOh, interesting. Oh, no, that's I think that's that's the that's that's the hand. That's the hand for the high five.

MaxYeah, he's putting the hand out. So that's Jeff coming out with the jug of votes.

Merlinwill you accept um non-spoiler related questions i would be honored um i have a lot but i'm gonna keep it i'll keep it short um so i uh i've seen a lot of those uh reunion-y finally episodes and i'm often struck by how odd the music is to me and my own taste and it seems like they've got some real cirque de soleil shit going on sometimes and uh how was the music what what was was the music distinctive was a jimmy buffett was it the uh the the muscular guy from dave matthews band

what what what were you working with that's problematic no because that's what they get you're going to get like an electric a violist and a theremin repairman sometimes the music choices when they go to break and it's like what is happening am i having a flashback uh what was the music like did you enjoy it so this was a weird fin i have not been this is

Maxthe first finale i've i've been invited to and it was different because it was pre-recorded uh it was the first one that was not actually live it was like live to tape in case anything happened oh creepy dan yeah because because of that whole situation and yeah it was also in a different studio than it normally is so um as far as i hope i'm not wrong about this but i don't think there was any music in that was audible to like the audience while the thing was being broadcast so in other words when jeff was doing when he would go to the camera he'd be like come when we're back

We're going to talk to this guy about this moment. And then the music swells. Like, I think he was just saying in the camera and what we were hearing was the audience applause. So any music I think was added in post.

MerlinAm I misremembering? Don't they have?

Speaker BNo, they do. They used to have live music, like someone would be banging on the drums and the camera would swoop over the drum banging people and the chanting people. Yeah, they have.

AlexBut remember, this isn't it's not live. So that's why the sound is so pristine. That's I don't know. it genuinely bummed me out, not because it wasn't live, but because it wasn't live to tape. And there are all those really organic, awkward moments, which don't happen in the actual episodes of Survivor, as our friend Deep Throat Debbie told us, like, all of these amazing ways they capture sound. But this felt like a talk show, kind of, which, meh.

MaxIt was a, the whole thing was very impressive. It was run with, like, a real military, like, you know, Everything was very precise and started on time. And I don't know.

Speaker BYou can impress Max by starting things on time. You should take that note.

AlexI mean, I really, as we know, I'm a friend. I'm not a friend, but I'm a big fan of Jeff Probst. And he looked like Steve Jobs during this whole finale. And I was there for it.

Speaker AI bet that did a lot for you, didn't it? Oh, right. pre-cancer or post-cancer? Pre-cancer? Too soon. Too soon? I hope when Jeff Probst ages, he sort of gets that silver fox thing. Oh, I do like that silver fox thing. What do you mean when he ages? Is he not aging now?

MerlinNo, he's not. Oh, no. He's getting a little bit Mickey Rourke. A little bit Mickey Rourke.

Speaker AHe's in sort of a Paul Rudd stasis.

MaxHe's puffing up a little. He has Benjamin Button disease.

Speaker BHe's going backwards. He's got hair dye is what he has.

MaxMax, that blur looks just like you.

AlexOh, God. Wait, Merlin, is there a doc?

MerlinYeah. I'll give you a link to it again. But nobody's allowed to screw it up. Okay? No shenanigans.

AlexUh-huh. That's like saying, oh, no one applaud until everyone's name's been read. Okay.

MerlinDon't jump on my stamp collection. Oh, shenanigans.

MaxAll the survivors I opted We opted not to meet the survivor contestants Because I thought it would be awkward But all of them

Speaker BYou didn't want to be inappropriately touched

MaxYeah, those people weren't there But They were like More small, I don't know There's something about seeing I've seen so many hours of those people on TV Somehow you'd imagine them to be like bigger

Speaker ANo, you just have a bigger TV that's larger in size.

MerlinYeah. Well, in volume, yeah. Yeah.

Speaker AI think that's a thing that people say whenever they meet someone from TV, right?

MerlinAny celebrity looks super small. Well, when you meet somebody, I feel like when you see somebody from TV, one of the first things you notice, and this is a cliche, but it's true, they're shorter than you think and their head is huge.

Speaker AYeah.

Speaker BJulia Stiles, super short,

Speaker Agiant head, dirty flip-flops.

Speaker BYou flew right into your head like you couldn't avoid it.

MerlinSebastian Gorka.

AlexOh.

MerlinNow that's a case for a head.

AlexYou know what's somewhat disappointing? I have always been a little bit upset how when I meet almost every podcaster that I've come into contact with, they're all way hotter than I would have thought. Like, I didn't think they'd be ugly, but everyone here is like way hotter than, yeah. It's just, oh, Syracuse is taller. Like, oh my goodness.

MaxMike Hurley is a beautiful man.

AlexOh, right? He is.

MerlinHe is. He's very clean. Yeah. Sharp. He's a sharp dresser. He's a sharp dresser. But he's cleaner. He's cleaner than you'd expect for an English person.

Speaker BIs he also articulate? What are you saying here? He's very articulate. He's very clean, unlike the rest of the Brits.

MerlinWell, that's because the British Toilet Association has run so poorly.

Speaker Bthey run such a tight ship over there he's got thighs like steel from poisoning those stress positions on the toilet

Merlinit's you know Boris is already taking down the NHS the BTA it's all going down

Speaker Aoh your knees shaking you're not doing it right

Merlindon't strain at your bowels stand yourself a wreck governor it'll come right out won't it

Speaker Afor queen and country you guys sound so authentic it's incredible

MerlinEverything's a squatty potty if you have to go enough.

Speaker BNo one brought up squat toilets in that stress position thing. Is the squat toilet the ultimate stress position or the opposite?

MerlinThe squatty potty. Squatty potty. Wait, doesn't somebody here have that? Squatty potty. Doesn't someone have that?

Speaker AWe have several in the office. Probably Lex.

MerlinThat's the kind of thing I'd expect you to have, Merlin. I know. I'm really good at it. But when you go pro, it's like they say with skiing. Syracuse knows this. You only need the poles when you suck and when you're really good. Intermediate skiers don't need skis. ditto is true for pooping it's a it's when you're starting and when you're going pro that you want

Speaker Bto squat you don't need poles when you first start skiing sure you trim that part of the analogy off nope you learn you learn to ski with no poles hands on your knees no poles pizza pizza slice pizza slices wedge make a wedge make an a oh the wedge yeah yeah i don't know we don't we

Merlindon't have super advanced technology you know who here has a bidet oh we will one day max has one

Speaker BI'm calling it.

MaxI don't. I've thought about it, but when I was in Japan, I tried a variety of different technological toilet butthole sprayers, and I didn't love them.

Speaker AWe're going to go super toto, right, Marco?

MaxYeah, yeah. We had one in a crazy fancy hotel a couple years back, and I only had it for, what, was it two days?

Speaker BAnd your butts still talk about it today. Yeah. We think about it daily.

MerlinOnce you have the butt washer. You have to use it twice. You have to use it twice. The first time you use it, if you're not used to that kind of thing, it's a little upsetting. But then the second time.

AlexIt's like your first orgasm.

MerlinOkay. No. Upsetting? What?

AlexUpsetting isn't the word I would use, Alex.

MerlinI don't think my first orgasm was that upsetting, Alex, but you do you.

AlexYou know what? It's so hot. Sometimes you kiss a boy and it just doesn't work out. All right, bidets, butts. Go on. Wait. Oh, no, now I get it.

MerlinOh. It was a gay joke.

AlexOh. Oh, no, let's let's get away from the. OK, bidets.

MaxLet's bring it back to the butt sprayers. Someone someone explain it on Slack to me. What a bidet? No, the joke. The joke. Yeah. I love how we went somewhere with the conversation where going back to butt washers.

Speaker BThat's right. Kevin is going to bravely try to explain the joke in Slack. But then, you know, Max is just going to say, yeah, but how does it work? Just give it to him in bullets. Just relay the joke. He's just going to ask you how it works. The nature of the joke is thus.

MerlinWhat does it do, though? Step zero of joke. Beginning.

Speaker AKevin, give me the bluff.

MerlinJoke acknowledged. Kevin, just give me the bluff, okay, buddy?

Speaker AThe sound of my fingers touching the keys right now because I'm in such a tiny little... I'm in one of the cubbies, and I feel like every move I make is like 100 decibels. Yep, yep, it definitely is. This is awful.

MerlinEverybody focuses on the water, and the water is nice, but I think what gets short shrift for our Americans is the air. See, how long... I only had a brief time with this.

MaxHow long was I supposed to sit there and let it blow my butt?

MerlinUntil people start knocking.

Speaker ABecause I felt like I needed more time. We have to use it, too. Until your boss comes to your door and is like, nope, you're a time theft. That's what I'm going to do with Sniffy Dope.

AlexAlex, are you playing Pokemon Go? No, I'm just thoroughly rinsing my ass.

MerlinPokemon Go to the bathroom. How did she not win? How did she not win? Do you remember that? Do you remember when she said that? Go to the polls? When Hillary said Pokemon go to the polls?

AlexOh, yes. No, I tried to. You did say that. It's like fight song. I just need to put it in the back of my mind so I don't walk into the sea and die.

MerlinI've got high, high hopes. Oh, I see. That's the joke. Okay, thank you, Kevin.

Speaker AThat's the joke, right?

AlexAm I right, Alex? Hold on now.

MerlinThat's the joke. That's the joke. Skoy, you look like a homosexual. I think how did he get it from context it's more really more of a comment than a question I think Kevin is just kind of force sensitive to that kind of thing

Speaker Ayeah I have an extremely exposed comedy nerve oh yeah

Merlinhe's not a day too hard

Alexoh hey comedy who here has taken an improv class

Merlinyes and what counts as an improv class I read a book about improv. I've read two or three books about improv. I've never had a formal class. Is that like your mom sending you to acting camp?

AlexWell, I just get a lot of shit for not...

Speaker ANot that I've done that.

MerlinActing camp. Oh, my God. And one time at improv class? I believe it would be a little something like this.

AlexOh, God. Merlin, when did you have the opportunity to take an improv class?

MerlinI didn't take classes. I read books.

AlexOh, well.

MerlinThat's the same.

AlexYeah.

MerlinIt's the same thing. No. No, I'm scared. I'm scared to do that. I'd be scared. Anybody else? Anybody here? John Syracuse, you've probably done that.

MaxI've heard Merlin on a bunch of podcasts before. Does that count? I've paid American currency to take improv classes. Was it with one of the big groups? Did you show up? Yeah, I studied under Del Close. Oh, come on.

Speaker AWait, are you name dropping? No, I still-

MaxYou took a second city. With the Shondra Levy thing? No, I took classes at comedy sports and then ImprovOlympics. Oh! ImprovOlympics. Okay. Wow.

Speaker AWell, I studied under Patrick Stewart. I don't know if you've heard of him.

MerlinOh. I've already seen everything. Girl, very hot. She's one of the two books I read. It was the Truth in Comedy book.

Speaker BSo, Alex, why were you asking that?

AlexIs there a reason? Oh, I just wanted to hear Kevin's experience with improv, because he implied that he had gone to an improv class, and I didn't know that.

Speaker AOh, me?

AlexYeah.

Speaker ANo, I haven't.

AlexOh, well, get on it, because you and I...

MerlinKevin went to art school, Alex.

AlexNo, you and I are the only ones at the company who haven't taken an improv class. I thought I was the only one. Is that real? Yeah. We did a poll.

MaxThat's fucked up. That can't be true. That can't be true. We do have a lot of improvisers who work at Cards. That's everyone I know. Everyone I know is an improviser. Also a lot of liars, so, you know.

Speaker AWell, I can't picture. Well, I guess I'm thinking of our black box logistics people and shipping people.

AlexOh, I was not going to. Yeah, yeah.

MaxDo you know a lot of our interns at Cards are improv majors? Oh, yeah, and they all know each other. Their major in college is improv. They're getting a degree in improv.

AlexYep.

MaxSo, honest question. I know this is a cliche phrase, but what do you do with that? You teach.

Speaker BYou can be a bard in the aftertimes.

MaxThat enables you to take more advanced classes that you pay additional money for after you graduate at different improv theaters.

Speaker BIt's a pyramid scheme.

MaxOh, like most of college. Yeah.

Speaker AIt helps you sell cutco knives. Exactly.

MerlinIt's an inverted triangle. My niece is in that system at UCB. And she teaches there and classes there. And it's kind of a cult, but she is actually genuinely funny. The thing is, the not funny part of that is that it used to be, for somebody my age, you could do creative and liberal artsy things. And most of the people I knew who'd been to liberal arts schools had become lawyers and stuff. Not necessarily always doctors, but, like, it is kind of an interesting thing, an interesting decision to make to do a major for money in improv.

What is their plan?

Speaker AIf you take an improv class, does it actually make you funnier? Do you actually learn something? No. Or is it just more honing the skill that you already inherently had?

MerlinNo. It depends on where you do it and what their approach is, I think.

Speaker ATiff, I feel the same way about art stuff.

MerlinWell, I mean, what I'm trying to say is that, at least from the books that I've read and the classes I haven't taken, is there are such very different schools of thought, where there are some straight improv, like who was talking about this recently. There's the kind of improv that's just very much about authenticity and don't try to be funny. And then there's the kind of wackadoo, you know, Chucklesville, let's get a big laugh and get an SNL, you know, kind of thing.

AlexI want to hear Comedy Man's take.

MerlinYeah, what do you say, Comedy Man? Is that me?

AlexThat would be you, Max, yes. Casey.

MerlinYeah, it's definitely me.

MaxDefinitely me. Well, I think Kevin was going to say it's similar to art, which is what I feel I kind of agree with, which is like. Oh, see, I think I disagree with that. There's only one way to get there's only one way to get good at improv, which is just to do it and put in the hours and get comfortable on stage, like not knowing what's going to happen next. And one path to to have that stage time is to take classes. But there are lots of like you don't have to take classes to do it. You can just do it and then you're you're bad at it. And then eventually you're not bad at it.

AlexNo, I mean, checks out. like any sort of art.

MaxYeah, like Kevin has said the same thing about drawing of like at some point you just have to draw a lot and then you become less bad at it over time.

Speaker AYeah. I don't know. I think people could be taught to draw.

AlexAre you willing to accept this challenge, Tip?

Speaker AYeah, because I think I have been taught to draw.

Speaker BAs someone who just paid to be taught to draw. Yeah. I hope you do believe that. That's not fair.

Speaker AYou were already good at drawing.

AlexYeah.

Speaker ANo, I wasn't. I was horrible at drawing. Don't give me that. I could not have drawn that butt like a year ago. And that's a really good but, too. I know I'm proud of that but. But I wouldn't have been able to do that but a year ago. Right. And this is such a – I'm going to hijack the podcast and start talking about art philosophy. Let's go. No, let's go. I'm on that. I'm ready. And my feelings about this. But it's like because I like there's an ongoing discourse on comics and art Twitter about like whether or not art school is worth it and stuff, right?

And like I also – like maybe what I said just a second ago is sort of like honing a skill that you already have is reductive of like something that like you can learn. But you can also like – like any schooling is what you make out of it. And, like, the people who actually give a shit and practice are the people who will actually develop the skill.

So, like, if I wanted to become an artist or if I wanted to become an improviser, I would actually, even if I wasn't paying money to someone to teach me how to do it, I would take that upon myself and learn how to do it, right? but like so like maybe it's not maybe it's not that the skill can't be taught it's that like the the issue with people who don't like go on to anything after that or whatever like is that they just like they don't keep up the skill or whatever

Alexhmm well people ask me all the time about going to film school and Kevin and I went to the same college and I'm like well I was one of those asshole preppy kids who Pretty much all my AP credits were taken care of in high school, so I didn't have to do any shitty, quote-unquote, real classes at art school. So all I did was make films and radio constantly, just over and over again.

Speaker AYou did it in your free time, though.

AlexWell, no, no, no, but both. And I was just very lucky because I knew exactly what I wanted, which is very, you know, I mean, I also transferred there because no 18 year old should ever make any decisions whatsoever. But it is like a test of bureaucracy. Like, can you make art as well as get through all this bullshit? And as we know, Columbia College Chicago is like the bullshittiest of bullshit. Like, it's so close to being a for profit college. it's it's rough but I I don't know most people I know who've gone on and been successful in their

fields it wasn't even because they took a lot of classes about their field in college it's just they knew how to work the system and were able to practice that in their free time so yeah I agree

Speaker Awith everyone I think in order to be an artist or successful at art you do not need to go to school but I do think it's a skill that can be taught if you are willing to learn. Yeah. I, I, I didn't mean to disagree with that. Yeah. Cause that, that's where I'm coming from. It's like, I feel like I couldn't draw. I've always wanted to. And I, but I always told myself, Oh, people who know how to draw are just, they just do it. And it was like magic to me. Like you either had this talent or you didn't.

Speaker BYeah. That's a fixed mindset. You needed a growth mindset.

Speaker ARight. And then I realized like, Oh no, if you're really willing to like pay attention or learn techniques or have someone teach you techniques, It really can be a skill that you can learn. You're not just born learning how to play the piano. You have to practice at it. And drawing is something that's the same thing. But drawing ends up having this mystique around it that you are either a kid that draws or you're not. But I think it's a skill like any other that you can learn throughout time if you are interested in learning it. But I don't think you need school to be an artist.

Speaker BEducation is an accelerator. like because i feel like with a lot of things that i learned i learned a lot of things on my own and then had formal education i'm like oh my god this would have saved me so much time you're like something you like derived yourself from first principles painfully and then someone just tells it to you and puts it on the board and it's like yeah someone discovered this in you know 1622 it's here like just like this is a thing and so it's such an accelerator like on the other hand if you learn i think we're talking about if you learn the formal thing you're just not that into it you're never going to get good right yeah but if you're so into it that you're trying to learn it on your own it is way faster to have someone knowledgeable and say like here's

the fundamentals and here's the things you have to know it's like oh thank you like it lets you jump over all the stupid mistakes you were gonna make and at least know like what you're supposed to be doing and what is possible and if you're and if you're kind of a a top-down learner it's like give me the broad-based concepts so that i have a landscape that i can know where to explore

Merlinit really helps to have some education that's it's exactly what i was gonna say is that there It's funny because ironically there is this oddly intellectual cliche about any kind of education, you know, contrasting intellectual and education here. But like there's this intellectual thing of anti-intellectual thing of like, well, just show me the trick. Show me the thing. Like show me how to draw Skippy or whatever. And you're like, well, it's not just about drawing Skippy. It's about like trying to give you some kind of a framework for understanding this. And like sort of to what John's saying, it's almost as though you've had this pile of pages in front of you that you could have looked at the whole time.

It's just that now somebody has not only put them in order, but they've given it to you with a table of contents. And you go, oh, I see. Like this is the order to do this in. And like, you know, and that's expertise in so many ways is helping somebody understand as much as they're capable. Like here's the stuff. Here's the handful of things to worry about. And then here's a ton of stuff not to worry about. And like, right. But like at the top of the worry about stuff is just keep doing that, man. whether that's making films or doing the improv or whatever. And the people with that, what I consider anyway, anti-intellectual bias, think it is just about like you show up

and, well, certainly to some extent you get your ticket punched, but they're like, oh, you know, you're just privileged enough that you showed up at this thing and then somebody told you the secret that, you know, proles like me aren't allowed to know. It's like, well, that's not accurate. And it's also, it's a bummer that you see yourself on the other side of that line and don't have access to even mentorship that could like help guide you. It's a power.

AlexI mean, that's kind of the thing. I feel like we're skirting around is you need those mentors. And increasingly, you're more likely to get somebody who is just an adjunct, who's just trying so hard to work in their own field as well as teaching. Like, again, this skews more towards the arts, but the majority of my professors were working in their field, which was cool because we got to learn about that stuff.

But also when someone doesn't have a passion for learning, it also kind of dilutes. It feels like it dilutes the passion of their work in general. And I think maybe that's also just the sadness.

MerlinAnd of their teaching. Exactly. You don't have to be that curious of a learner to get a job. Not no shade, no lemonade. But like there's a certain, like I used to say this all the time about guidance counselors where it's like, oh, my God, the people in the world that you at least want to have be a guidance counselor are so often guidance counselors. I think we talked about this, Syracuse. But like, yeah, I mean, it's like I was having this conversation with one of the other moms the other day. I mean, she and I have very different views about stuff. But we were just talking about how, like, she's like, oh, yeah, so important, you know, we had to go to the good school.

And I'm like, yeah, but the problem is, like, at the good school, if you don't get the good teacher, like, that's going to suck. Whereas it can really work out that you get the good teacher at the school that's maybe not as great. And so when people try to do those kinds of apples to apples comparisons, like, eh, I don't think that works a lot of the time. And, you know, and, again, it depends on your kid and their learning style or you as an artist and your learning style. God, this got boring. I'm so sorry.

Speaker AWell, it also, it is very much person to person. Like, blanket statements don't help anybody out when it comes to creative efforts. And, like, yeah, like, there's also this thing where it's like if someone is willing to – the person teaches you the thing, and if you're excited about the thing, then you accept the thing, and then you process it, and then you do the thing. But if you're not excited about it, then you don't. You don't do the thing.

AlexYeah, I often wonder if you can be a good teacher if you're not an enthusiastic learner. And, you know, it kind of is oppositional because on the one hand, you've got this guy who has spent 50 years in his field and is like, no, my way or the highway. And you get that expertise and wisdom, if you will. Oh, this is we're making the worst podcast ever. And I'm still sober.

Speaker Ano we're not dude this is my podcast that I like do

Alexwe're just ripping off sorry Julia

Speaker Awe're making the worst podcast ever and it's exactly like

MerlinAlexander stop art shaming maybe we should ask Kevin to teach us how to draw dongs now

Alexoh I would love that because I feel like I'm halfway there

Speaker Adraw some more body parts who cares fuck it draw dicks we can draw feet we can draw net worth feet are hard feet are network i'm thinking about starting to sell feet pics how does everybody feel about that oh my god yes tiff tiff i want to

i want to have a highbrow intellectual conversation with you about art when we're not drinking that sounds great oh actually no that sounds awful okay we should be drinking well okay yeah no so 50 50 50 50 we'll start we'll start sober and we'll get drunk i dig that there was a i in a previous life. I also owned a podcast that I... It was a bright and shiny new podcast. It was chrome and beautiful and then fell into disrepair. Oh, no.

AlexIt was really good. It was about art. Everyone,

Maxgo... All the letters turned off so that it just said Dr. M.

AlexOh. Remember when Casey was obsessed with the fucking car that Angela Abar drove but couldn't remember her name? A god walks into a bar! A god walks into a bar!

Merlinreally that's how we're that's how we're that's how we're playing this

Speaker Bno he doesn't he hasn't you haven't finished watching the whole thing don't

Alexno i'm only like two episodes in man i'm not saying i'm not saying anything except that he doesn't know the name of the character sister knight or whatever he knows the car alice sister knight or whatever

Merlinyou're making fun of me uh tough crap you know what he's our guest

Alexi'm sorry i'm a hostile host would you like to say something hurtful about

MerlinAlex? No, no. I will take the high road. It's okay. Good for you. It's just like that, Alex. How's that feel? How's that feel?

Speaker BYikes. Are you rubbing your kindness in her face?

MerlinThat's accurate. I think that's what's happening.

Speaker BTheir face. Oh my god, I lose the game.

MerlinHey, can we go back to bathroom furniture and appliances and plumbing? Max, did you install a urinal in your fancy house? No. What? Why?

Speaker Bshould have why really what's the ultimate luxury what are you doing no because then someone has to

Maxclean that you know i guys i don't i have to say i i don't i don't care for you you're a sit peer i know i love to sit i love to sit down and pee i get my i get my phone out i play some iphone games i see what's happening in the world that's so good so you're you're a sit peer i will often it

Speaker Adepends on what's happening in my life can i introduce you to my son because he's a sit peer and I don't want him to feel alone.

MaxOh, there's so many sit piers. Listen, if I'm in a public restroom, I'm trying to have as little contact with that toilet seat as possible. Oh, that's different. If I'm in the comfort of my own home, I will often sit. I'll get a magazine. I'll read a magic book.

Speaker BHow long are you peeing?

MaxYeah, how long is this taking you? 40, 50 minutes.

Speaker AI mean, even in a public restroom, I'm a stand pier.

MerlinA better question is how long are you sitting? You don't have to be peeing the whole time you're sitting. Don't be a monster. Thank you. It's just a chair. It's just a reason to be in a place with a book.

MaxSome serious time theft going on here.

MerlinYeah, you just don't want to get prolapse. Be careful because prolapse is an issue, so be careful.

Speaker BYeah, watch for the hemorrhoids.

AlexWell, as long as we don't have the standard issue toilet, it's fine. But I'm curious why a urinal in your home is superior. Like, just what?

Speaker AThat just feels like it would smell like pee all the time.

MaxIf I went over to someone's house and they had a urinal, I don't think I'd let them babysit my children.

Speaker AI agree! I agree. I agree. Second. What's your ice budget like?

MaxWhy don't you just install one of those big metal troughs like they have at baseball stadiums? Do you put one of those little stickers of a fly in there so you have something to pee on? Just pee out the window. Just pee out the window.

Speaker AA window is shaped just like a urinal. Yeah, sure.

Speaker BIt's not a sticker. They bake it right into the porcelain.

Speaker AAre you buying bespoke urinal cakes? This one was crafted by hand.

MerlinI like the trough idea. That could be really nice. Was that Marco that asked about the trough at a baseball stadium? When were you?

MaxI have occasionally been to sports stadiums. When?

Speaker BNot recently.

MerlinMy mind is blown.

Speaker BThose troughs are out of favor these days for sure.

Speaker AEverybody remembers the first and maybe only time that they pee in the trough.

MaxI have a trough story that's very good that I can't tell. Did you see Jeff's huge hog at a trough?

AlexOh, my God. I think about that picture of him. Don't you think about both Jeff Probst and Matt Smith's dicks at least once a month? What?

MerlinWhat are you talking about? I've got to say, this is not a problem I have. The doctor? Are you talking about the doctor?

AlexYes, the doctor. I don't know. They both had... I don't think the Jeff Probst one is leaked.

MerlinI knew you thought he smelled good, but now you're talking about his English hog?

Speaker BFish sticks and custard.

AlexYeah.

MerlinFish fingers.

AlexFish fingers. There was no custard. thankfully there was no custard involved in the picture but no he did a little mirror pic

Merlinno no

Alexhe and his girlfriend

Speaker Ahe and his girlfriend did a very

Alexpeaceful

Speaker Ais it in our thing? that's what she said

Alexis this real? no it is for sure the Jeff one I don't think is real somebody's got a gun

Maxwhere's the Jeff Probst one? we're looking at Jeff's hog? I mean that's terrible that someone would put that up but which website?

MerlinJeff Probst.

MaxWhich website did it? What, is it his actual hog?

AlexNo, I don't think so. It looks a little...

Speaker AIf you just Google Jeff Probst naked, you'll see it. But this is Photoshopped for sure.

AlexI think it is. Like, I, you know, again, I'm not an expert, but...

MerlinWell, let's get some more eyes on this. Wisdom of crowds. What am I looking at here? Where's Jeff's hog?

AlexOh, hold on, hold on.

MerlinOkay, Jeff Probst penis. Fine, welcome to my history. Safe bird. Naked pics and sex scenes at Mr. Man. Oh, no. The only reason I... Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, no. I don't want your notifications. No. No, no, no, no, no. Oh, no. Oh, no. There's so many... Oh, there's a man eating another man's butt parts.

AlexOh.

MerlinIt's called Two and a Half Men.

AlexHmm. Low-hanging fruit, if you will.

MerlinThe tribe is ready for some poking. Jeff looks awesomely fit while serving bacon in the buff. Hmm. I don't think it's that Jeff... Is it... Is that... That's not Jeff Post. He showed up.

Speaker AI don't think it is. So you're going to get a lot of crossover from an appearance that he did on the popular sitcom Two and a Half Men, where he was apparently wearing a diaper.

MerlinTwo and a Half Men.

Speaker AOh. All right. I got a picture. Here it comes. Oh, those are Teddy Whities.

AlexCan someone find a Matt Smith stick? I cannot.

Speaker AThat's a... Oh, Tiff. I see you, Tiff. Just hug. What am I going to do with you?

MerlinWhat have you been baking up?

Speaker AYou're such a ham. Oh, God.

AlexIt's so cute. It's pink. It's very cute. This is a hog that I would stroke.

MerlinOkay, Jeff probes penis. It's pink.

AlexIt's hairy.

Speaker AI mean, what else could you want in a hog? Exactly. It's a thick hog. It's a little moist at the tip.

MerlinOkay. Wow, he's got man boobs, like in a good way. He's got musculoboobs.

AlexYeah, Tommy from Survivor's pecs were upsetting because I'm like, don't they jut out like a little bit too much? Like he's like a Ken doll that like.

MerlinWhere are we now? Are we on Jeff's nipples? What are you talking about?

AlexTommy from Survivor. His pecs just stuck out too much. It was weird.

Speaker BTommy from Survivor. Was he the redhead?

AlexYeah, he's the ginger boy.

Speaker BIs that a TV show? Yeah. No, I thought they were proportional. He's a very tall, broad-shouldered person, so everything scales up.

MerlinI think you might have some kind of a second-person body dysmorphia, Alex. I think you see people and you're confused about what they're working with.

AlexYou often try to diagnose me, and it would take a long time. No, I have not found it.

MerlinWell, you do have a lot of very general speculation about strangers' bodies in a way that I find very interesting.

Speaker ANo!

MerlinDid we find Jeff's dick? Has anyone really found his hog?

Speaker AI mean, I found it if you need to see it.

MerlinNever mind. I'm closing all these tabs. Delete history. Okay, command Y.

Speaker AYou just do DuckDuckGo.

MerlinWe could all practice drawing it. Clear history.

Speaker AYes.

Speaker BLast hour. Oh, draw Jeff's dick. Remember when everyone was doing draw something on the iPad? Oh, I miss those days. Oh, so good. That's it.

MaxThat killed the conversation. Well, no, I think we all clicked on Casey's link.

MerlinUh-oh. Uh-oh.

Speaker AOh, it's true.

Speaker BReally? Oh no I don't want to click on a link Can't you just put it in the chat So I don't have to click on the link

AlexC-U-M-M dot co dot

MerlinOh I don't like that URL Oh my god Oh my god Is that an original Van Gogh Is that a Van Gogh

MaxThis is an infraction

MerlinOh wow That's not right Oh that's not how penis do

Speaker AOh

MerlinWhat is happening Did somebody use some kind of masking tool on his voice? I'm turning my head like the lizard does. I'm turning my head just like the lizard. I'm trying to understand. There's an arrow pointing down. So he's not a cut man.

AlexNo, yes, he is. You got to zoom in. See, this is why you need to zoom in. He's a boxer boy, though.

Speaker ALook at that tan line.

MerlinI'm not going to zoom in. Does he keep his clothes? Wait, is he recently divorced? What's happening? What am I looking at here? So Jeff Probst is naked. Let's be honest, in front of a Van Gogh.

Speaker AWhy is he holding it up?

MerlinDo you see the one thought at the bottom? I don't think those are his clothes. This is a Photoshop. He does not have any of those clothes in real life. That's nothing like what he wears.

Speaker AYeah, yeah. But the rack of shirts behind him is all blue. Think about it.

MerlinYeah, it doesn't have his special secret pockets. It's his tactical shirts. This is 100% a Photoshop.

AlexTiff, can you confirm that this is a Photoshop? Oh, if you click on the Photoshop,

MerlinThere's a lot more dicks. Samuel L. Jackson naked. Oh, why is everyone standing like that? More naked men. Okay. Art of ha-penis. Art of ha-penis. One thought on Jeff Probst's naked cock.

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Speaker AEven if this isn't Jeff Probst, this guy has a lot going for him, and I'm cool with it.

MerlinOh, no. What is this? No. This drawing. Oh, it's from an article about circle jerks. But the art for this, you guys. Anywhere you click, it brings you to more penises. Well, go to the art of Ha Penis.

Speaker AHe just looks so happy in the picture.

MerlinWhere is that? Just the top homepage. And look at the left area called Is Circle Jerk A Sexual Practice? Oh, Ha Penis. And I'd like you to look at the art for that one.

Speaker AOh, boy.

MerlinIt's middle-aged, Archie Bunker-looking guys.

Speaker AMarco put a screenshot.

MerlinWhat is? This is com.co.uk, two Ms, for a double dose of my mimpin.

Speaker AC-U-M-M dot C-O dot U-K

MerlinIs a circle jerk a sexual practice Is the question

Speaker ACum dot co Cum dot co

MerlinThose ones are doing it on a dartboard Don't waste that in the toilet Put it on me face

Speaker AGet it in me golf

MerlinWait there are rules

Speaker ANo there's rules Yes kissing fondling nipple play No no ass play No sucking

MerlinAnd the second rule of circle jerk

Speaker AThere's rules

Merlinyou do not talk about circle

Alexis this no no one needs to

Merlinif you're here tonight if you're here tonight you got a circle alright has a lot of people misunderstand that movie does anybody

Alexknow that this is a real the triscuit thing is is a real deal when you talk about the soggy biscuit yeah yeah yeah limp biscuit or whatever what yeah I

Maxdon't know anyone who ever did that it can't be real. I've never. There's one basic problem. Here's the basic problem. I also never went to camp. I think there was a lot of gay things happening at sleepaway camp.

Speaker AThe bloke with the largest penis wins a prize.

AlexYeah, this sounds like a rainbow party situation. Have you read the

Maxcomments on this, by the way? No. Read the second comment that begins with, I'm a straight man, and then let me know if you believe that guy's a straight man at the end of that comment. Okay, let's see here. Oh, look

Merlinat all, there's so many penises. Okay, oh.

Speaker AOh, why did he take off his van to take this penis picture. Where are we here?

MerlinWhy not just leave your shoes on? There's a guy with Vans. You look at the guy with Vans? Yeah. Yeah, he took his shoes off. Yeah, well, he likes to be comfortable. Yeah. That looks like, it looks a little bit like a Cornish game hem.

Speaker AOh, dear.

MerlinWith two eggs underneath it?

Speaker AYeah, a little bit. Oh, yeah. I don't even know what we're looking at anymore.

MerlinWell, it's a hog. It's a hog in a pair. I guess he likes to, I don't know, skateboard? He's got big feet.

Speaker AI feel like the zipper would be uncomfortable there in that sensitive area.

MerlinYeah, I don't like that at all. You wouldn't want to be hanging over it like that. No, no, no. It's the zipper of Damocles.

Speaker ANo. He should clean his grout, too. It's dirty.

MerlinHeterosexual soggy biscuit. Okay. Heterosexual soggy biscuit. Okay.

AlexI mean.

MerlinVagus nerve.

AlexIf the goal is for something to be the soggiest, like, I don't know. I feel like.

MerlinWell, that's the problem is that you win by, you lose by taking the longest to ejaculate, which seems like an odd metric.

AlexI found history's greatest gift. Oh, Kevin. Kevin. Yeah.

Speaker BWhy is he getting an eyeball?

Speaker AHe's coming out of the eyeball. That was, no, that was on the first page.

MerlinWait a minute. Did you see that? That was with Jeff. Alex, what have you said? Alex, shame on you.

AlexNo, no, this is a very tasteful. These are tasteful nudes. Is that Darren Criss? Tasteful nudes.

MerlinWell, it's definitely bigger on the inside. It is indeed bigger on the inside.

AlexThat's the first thing I thought. And I'm like, hmm.

MaxWhere are the tasteful nudes? I'm looking for them. Probably not on this happiness site. Alex, what am I looking at? It says gaymalecelebs.com. That would be the Levin's Doctor.

AlexShould we link this in the show notes? There's not show notes.

MerlinAll the letters from the sign are missing.

AlexThis slack is being burned to the ground. Yeah.

MaxYeah, you probably shouldn't have show notes for this episode

MerlinIf anybody puts David Tennant in here We are broken up forever Do not even

AlexNo, no, but notice that the bottom is cropped He's got a croppy bottom

MerlinHow do you know he's a bottom? How do you know he's a bottom?

AlexHe's not a bottom, he's a heterosexual man

MerlinWell, how can you tell that he's cropped? I guess he is cropped, he looks a little bit gentile

AlexBoth, literally in the slack

MerlinAlex, I was doing wordplay I'm on a page for the power of mindful masturbation for men. Oh, you can zoom on this one a lot.

AlexYeah, you really can. He's well-groomed.

MaxI don't want to, I don't mean to, I don't mean to insult anyone by asking this, but have you guys all seen the gif of Lenny Kravitz's penis popping out of the leather pants?

AlexYeah.

MaxOoh, I would like to see that. I feel like I have.

AlexDisappointing. Disappointing. I expected more.

MaxIt's one of the all-time funniest things I've ever seen in my life.

AlexIt's just, it's like one of those things where I, I don't know. It felt a little bit like Winter's Bone for me. The first Jennifer Lawrence film that got any notoriety. Winter's Bone. I was so, so excited. And I'm like, oh, it's just a dick flopping around.

MaxThere we go. I got it to animate. Oh, there we go. It's Alex. It's more of the gestalt. Hell yeah.

Speaker AWhere does it come from, though? When it's looped like that. This is the first time I've seen this actual game.

MaxIt moves in a very funny way.

AlexIt frees itself. Okay. Are you going to see my hug? I have to say, I retract the statement. The looping gif? Incredible.

Speaker AIt rules. How did he recover from this?

AlexThis is very good.

Speaker AI know. Janet Jackson showed her boob and she was like over. Lenny Kravitz is known for two things.

MaxNo, I mean like what did he do immediately afterwards? I think he covered up his penis with his hands. Did he finish the song?

Speaker AI believe he was photographed covering up.

MerlinThey call it a hammer-on.

Speaker AHe can't take his hands off that guitar. I think Lenny Kravitz is known for two things, and it's his dick being exposed and having big scarves. Is it? That's the thing you're thinking of, Steve and Tyler. No, that's not Lenny Kravitz. That's the guy from, yeah, that's the guy from Aerosmith.

AlexNo, but he's also someone's dad, right? I don't want to close my eyes with my hoggle phone.

Speaker BAnd not wearing underwear with leather pants, I guess.

MerlinYeah, right. Actually, I'd like to take a minute to tell you about our sponsor.

Speaker AYou can't wear underwear with leather pants.

MerlinOur sponsor this week is Tommy John. Your junk will never fall out of your leather pants. Ladies and gentlemen, idollator.com. Lenny Kravitz gave fans a little more than they bargained for when his leather pants split on stage in Stockholm last night on August 3rd. The 51-year-old had crouched down to shred his guitar when the wardrobe malfunction occurred. And like a true rock god, he continued playing with his penis swinging in the breeze. Oh, Lord.

AlexGod damn it. Poor Janet Jackson.

MaxProbably it's better that you just finish the song and not just, like, stop, you know?

AlexNo, no, no. I agree. I think he did a great job. Good job, Lenny. I just wish our pal Janet had the same, who was able to have the same narrative. I know. But no, no. You don't even really see the nipple.

MerlinMerlin, this is really funny. Who sent the Johnny Depp? Who is that? That's Matt. That's very, very good. Oh, my God. That's so good. So I was looking at the power of mindful masturbation for men. Just real quick. I know you guys like to take online quizzes. Here's a real quick online quiz. It says, use words to describe the advice as an older man that you would give to your younger self about masturbation.

AlexAll right.

MerlinGently touch your asshole.

AlexOh.

MerlinGently massage nipples. Smoke a joint. Stand up for, like a Prince song, stand up for masturbation. Edge. Just the four-letter word edge. Include prostate massage Love yourself Breathe is really important What about dance?

Speaker AWe didn't get there yet

MerlinFind all your erotic zones Be noisy as you spunk your load Watch yourself in the mirror Swallow the kuh Wait, be noisy as you what?

AlexHold on, hold on Swallow what?

MerlinBe noisy as you what? As you spunk your load Be noisy as you spunk your load Like how people say Be noisy as you spunk your load Gesundheit Be noisy as you spunk your load Watch yourself in the mirror Swallow the kuh I love to spunk the load exercise your pc muscle you don't call pc anymore enjoy it daily jamaic muscle in this group enjoy it daily i would have worded a lot of these differently marco what was your favorite dance dance make a wish urethral insertion dash sounding cup your balls involve

your whole body take your time or other let's go to the results i think i speak for all my uh

MaxAll my boys when I say we love to spunk alone.

AlexHello, hello, hello. I put this all over the room. I spunked in that fanny, I did.

Speaker AI'm giving you a toilet as well. This is a place of business. This ain't for spunking.

MerlinThere's no spunking in here. This ain't for chisms and pairs. I'm issuing you a citation from the Queen. You spunked on the toto. This is a terrible segue, but when you guys go all braish, I can only imagine Mike listening to this and his head fucking exploding. While we're talking about Mike Hurley,

Alexhow has no one made fun of him for wanting to be a police officer when he was younger? What the fuck was that?

MaxThat's some fucking, that's some Mitt Romney shit right there. That's society.

AlexHe was like, oh no, no, I want to be a detective, oh I did. Whoa, wow.

Speaker BWait a minute, did Oliver Twist just come in? What just happened?

Speaker APlease, sir, can I have some more?

Speaker BI think this is like if someone tried to imitate you, Alex, and they did a southern accent. Yeah, a little bit of accuracy that we're having.

MerlinI see. I've always wanted to be a London body. I always wanted to put a handcuff on the bad guy and make him spunk my jizz. Now when Bill cuts me for some reason, I've transitioned into a voice that's like this, and my wife, Camille, with the mindful masturbation.

Speaker AThere's not enough room for spunking in this town for the both of us.

How did dance only get 31 votes? Wait, I need to see the votes. Did you send the votes? There needs to be more dancing and masturbation. I hope you dance. I need a vote. Where's the link? Send me the link. I want to vote. I want to vote. I want to vote.

MaxLet's get some vote stuffing going on.

Speaker BThat's not one of the options.

MaxThat's what they call it in the UK.

Speaker AOh, no. There's so many dicks on this page. That's something else. Put that in other. No, write that in another.

MerlinDo you think somebody's actually tallying those? Sure. Who's reading the other responses to this? I think it's probably Robert Cumm.

AlexOh, this website's so good.

MerlinHello.

AlexHello.

MerlinI'm Robert Cum.

MaxYou know me from cum.co.uk. It says specifically right here, enroll in this class with a master of masturbation, Bruce P. Grether.

AlexOh, motherfucking challenge? What?

MaxOh, shit, dog. From the intimacy of his home, Bruce speaks directly to you and encourages you to follow along as he demonstrates his style of mindful masturbation. This class includes full nudity and step-by-step explicit erotic touch instruction. in this class you can learn how to stretch and prepare your body for masturbation. Am I not stretching enough?

AlexI think I'm doing something. You're not stretching beforehand? This is 10,000 hours of orgasmic yoga.

MerlinYeah, you're going in cold. Get to number three. I have a lot of questions about number three.

MaxAll about lubrication. All about it. Number three, how to ejaculate consciously.

AlexOh boy. Uh oh. Hello. There are going to be no showdowns for this episode. Oh, boy.

MerlinA variety of strokes to increase the intensity.

Speaker AThis is a red band podcast. What does that mean?

MaxIs our slack going to get suspended? Alex will put a content advisory before it. Like a seven-minute content warning. Also, Alex, I think if we make Quinn edit this, it's technically workplace harassment. No!

AlexShe doesn't work for you. This is the...

Speaker AWe should probably let her know, though. Do you think any of this is going to surprise her, really? Oh, yeah, no, not at all.

AlexMarco, do you need another drink? Yeah.

Speaker AYes. Do you want me to get it for you? I need a new Nagasaki.

AlexYeah, my beer stopped working. What's Nagasaki? Is that a sake?

Speaker AOh, that's funny. It's a... Hold on. Let me get the recipe. Yeah. It's eggnog and sake. Yes. Oh, God. What?

No. It is exactly as bad as it sounds.

MerlinOh, my God. Why would you do that to yourself? Why wouldn't you do that to yourself? I broke down. I'm almost as bad I'm having a Fernette. Do you have like a...

AlexI don't have a lot of poop troubles unless I'm sick, but do you just have a bucket underneath you when you drink this? How does this even... Oh, my God.

MerlinIt's garnish with four.

MaxThat's why you have a litany of bidets and urinals throughout the house. You drink a bunch of Nagasaki's and you're ready to spunky load anywhere in the house. That's when you get the trough installed. I'm not wearing hockey pads.

Speaker AWe're here to spunk, aren't we?

MerlinThat's a heck of a Batman you got there, Kevin. Oh my god.

Speaker AHe's not wearing hockey pads. Superman's mindful masturbation exercise men only.

Maxthis is the funniest this is the funniest picture i've ever seen in my life

Speaker Abang penis hold on because there's an entire article attached to it and there are also other

Maxpictures i mean there's nothing funnier to me than than a picture that has a guy looking really serious and then his penis is out because like as like as a straight man penises just look funny to me like they're just like these funny little things hanging around like so to see somebody totally dead serious and there's just this thing flopping around.

AlexThat's very funny. I mean, I can say as not a straight man, I also find it incredibly funny.

Speaker AOh, there's a butt. And it's hairy. It's so funny.

AlexIt's just dangling.

Speaker AHe's barreling the camera and he's like, yes, my dick is out. I'm the Batman. Bane porn.

MerlinOh, there's Bane porn. Yes. Oh, no. Oh, you guys. I just found the sweetest thing. Oh, this is so sweet.

AlexOkay.

MerlinNobody cared about him until he put on the mask.

Speaker AOh, no! What are we looking at?

MaxSomeone describe it. I lost the thing. What are we looking at? Go to the Slack. Go to the Slack.

MerlinNo, someone describe it. It's a penis with a Bane mask.

Speaker APenis with a Bane mask. Turtle power.

MaxOh, look at it. It's right on the tip of the penis right there. It's right on the glands. It's a Bane topper. Yes. If I take that mask off, will you die? It would be extremely painful.

Speaker AIf I was born in the pussy. I don't see you.

MaxOh, wait a minute. Wait a minute. I thought of a better bit. What if Batman goes, if I take that mask off, will you die? And then Bane goes, I would get extremely soft.

AlexNo. No.

MaxKeep working. Not one to be workshopped. First thought, best thought. Improv rules. Edit that. ADR that in. We'll get that in post. I don't think you know what ADR me. That's what Quinn needs. More work for this episode. Marco, put that in. Put that in that. What's that thing where the noise comes out? Oh, a speaker? A mouth? Marco's got the program and it makes the, you put a graph on it and the sound changes. Oh, yeah. That thing.

Like an audacity? Isotope, that's the one.

Speaker BOh, boy. Yeah, that's their tagline.

MerlinNow, wait a minute. This is, no way, this can't be

Maxcanonical.

AlexWait, hold on.

MaxThat Bane has a similar but smaller mask on the tip of his penis? I mean, I think that's canon.

AlexDo you think he's uncircumcised?

MerlinWell, now I think I may be really breaking terms of slack. But so wait, so he's having intercourse with Catwoman, and then who's the other person? Oh, interesting. Kathy Kane.

Speaker AHmm. Cassandra Kane? Cassandra Kane. Is that not Batgirl? Wait, so is she the one in the wheelchair, canonically? No, that would be Barbara Gordon. Cassandra Kane, I believe, was one of Batman's wards.

MerlinBarbara Gordon, of course, after she got fridged in The Killing Joke.

AlexKevin, do you know where, what's that video where they switch Batman and Catwoman? That was so good. Oh, my God.

Speaker BThat was so good. Yeah, it was from the video game where they switched the models.

AlexI know that people were like, oh, this is a feminist icon. And I'm like, no, it's just a fucking funny.

MerlinStop guessing people's motivations, Alex. It was very funny.

AlexIt was very funny. I do not know this video. It was very funny indeed. I'm looking at all of these things on company property, and there's an iMac Pro in this. Oh, delete that from the bag. Delete that from the bag.

MaxWhy don't you have an iMac Pro yet?

MerlinMax, buy Alex an iMac Pro.

Speaker AWhat are you doing? There's glitter. Ding, ding, ding.

MerlinOkay, how about this? Okay, what are we talking about? What are we talking about here? What is it, 50 grand? What if we all bought it for her right now? What if we all bought it for her right now? I'm in. I'm in. I'll buy half. Okay, you're going to do half. Alex, go do your configuration.

AlexI'm deeply uncomfortable right now. Wait, what?

MerlinYeah, we should be. You're going to owe us. You made this. You willed this. You willed this into being.

AlexWell, here, Marco, this is my config. When the iMac Pro first came out.

MaxHas anyone ever said this thing looks like a cheese grater?

AlexIt doesn't. No, no, no. No, no, no. Not the Mac Pro. Not the Mac Pro. God damn it.

MaxAre you talking about the Mac? Yeah, I just looked at it. It looks like a cheese grater.

MerlinOh, my God. I don't need any more RAM for my cheese grater. How many nits in my cheese grater?

Speaker AA little bit twisted. Wait, what happened to Syracuse?

Speaker BI was looking for the Batman video.

MerlinYou can grate cheese on it. How many NX Vid on the slots is in the cheese grater? Does it have PCMCIA cards? What about Apple Talk? Can I get that on the cheese grater?

Do you like the keyboard?

Speaker BMax, did you see the video of people actually grating cheese on it?

MerlinOh, boo. Why don't you just grate a hat with a hat?

Speaker BAs we discussed in ATP, they also, that same company, they grated the cheese as a stunt. They do teardowns, so they had a video of tearing it down. But the first step was them laboriously removing the cheese from the thing. They just put it in with little tools. So funny. Wait, they grated the cheese on it when it was still assembled? I think it was just the case.

MaxBut do you remember back in the day, it used to be a big genre video that whenever a new Apple product would come out, there would be like a big YouTube video where someone would like take it and like smash it from a tower. They'd be like, I'm dropping it off a crane.

Speaker BThey still do that. They do that with the phones. They cut them with knives. They try to bend them.

MaxWhat is that? How is that?

Speaker BIt's just like the stamp collection.

MaxIt's so fucking weird. Well, it's that capitalism is the most efficient way to divide resources, which is why people buy some expensive. they buy something for $5,000 and they smash it so they can make $5,001 in ad revenue. Yes! I'm just shocked that anybody is making enough from YouTube to make that

Merlinactually work out. I am too. I am too. I talked to my shrink about this for an hour today. About YouTube? I'm really upset. No, I'm really obsessed with the ad economy and when you learn more and more about what data gets harvested and you're like, wait a minute, I don't know that much about advertising, but I know that even at my most generous guess about what you get from sales against these Instagram ads you've run. Have you guys ever thought about it? Like, it doesn't add up. Like, it really doesn't add up.

MaxI'm more thinking, like, in general, you probably don't want to be the client that your shrink talks about when they drink with other shrinks. But I think, Merlin, you might be at risk of this.

AlexMy psychiatrist wrote a book about my family.

MerlinNo, he's a libertarian. I'm the sane one. He's the one who says that I, yeah, well, I can't talk about it. After show. After show.

MaxMerlin, I agree with you. I agree with you that online.

MerlinHe thinks everybody at MSNBC is on the same payroll, but not the one you think. Go ahead. Online advertising doesn't work. It doesn't work.

Speaker BIt doesn't make sense. Half of all advertising doesn't work. We just don't know which half.

MerlinNo, we know.

Speaker AThe podcast half works.

AlexYeah.

Speaker AYeah. Unless. Unless. Unless. I mean, I own a Quip and a Casper and a MeUndies. Unless. Unless. Nobody? Thank you.

MerlinUm, unless it involves setting a cookie so that when you go other places, like I sent John Roderick a link to this, this, uh, hilarious website with this dingling catalog about, you know, getting a $4,000 cabinet to put your feathers in and, uh, uh, bespoke acts. I'm sure some of you have gotten this catalog. It's like a bearded man catalog. Tools like your grandfather had. And it's like, and he, all he got was Instagram ads for that thing after that cookie got set. I'm not saying this is the whole picture, but I think part of the picture is some companies

Maxadvertise. I'm on Amazon right now and they're trying to sell me a poster of Jeff Pro's penis.

So Alex, which iMac Pro are you getting?

AlexWhich iMac Pro is Max Buyinger? Literally once a week I go and configure an iMac Pro and since it came out And here, well, I'll put it, I think, can you put a bag into a chat? Let's find out. Let's find out.

Speaker AAlex, did you type that into other on the quiz? You typed that into other on the quiz, right?

MerlinI would have told the young me to do my old bag, Janet.

Speaker AConfiguration in it.

MaxJust take the base model and bump up the storage, and that's great.

AlexWell, that's my thing is the base model, but with more RAM and more storage. I just feel like the I don't think they're going to make this again. Like, I think this is a 10 year computer situation. Like the the first iMac I had was the Snow Leopard. Oh, fuck. It was it was the first one released after the puck mouse. So it was the apology mouse, the the the nice regular laser mouse.

and it did not have Leopard on it. No, no, no. It was much earlier. So it was 12 and that was the only iMac I've ever had because then after that it was the PowerBook 12 inch and then the BlackBook or the the, mmm, backing away from that joke. BlackBook.

MerlinYikes. The results have been

Alexincredible. Yeah, and then I've had work computers. So the but like, oh man the the original rather not the original iMac but that signature design and like also the fact that i didn't have a wi-fi card in it and i could sneak an ethernet cable like i i this is one of the worst things i ever these this is one of the worst lies i ever told my parents um or rather secret i kept from them i just uh i need this for school i rent no no no oh god remember when there

was that key command and it brought up like power points and or like pie graphs because yeah

Maxsyracuse i'm gonna do that in fifth grade i convinced my mom when i was driving her car all around town like a race car her toyota camry uh and it was getting terrible gas mileage and she's like you know my car's getting really bad gas mileage and i told her oh yeah because it's

Alexthe winter and it needs to use more gas to keep warm i mean that's not true that makes sense no i would just run an ethernet cable down downstairs like every night and then Rip Green Day CDs and it was, oh, what a time.

Shut up, Casey.

Speaker AThat wasn't me. I'm quiet.

MerlinMCR played tonight. Did you know that, Alex?

Speaker ATonight. Tonight they did.

MerlinYeah. I think tonight they started their tour.

Speaker AI know.

MerlinCan we go back to what Marco asked? What config is Max buying you for your iMac Pro? Here, Max.

MaxClick this link, put everything to the max, and then hit buy and send it to Alex. Well, that says iMac Pro. No, I don't want, I do not want or need a Mac Pro. Like,

MerlinI'm in a weird. Oh, yeah. iMac Pro is good for you, Alex. You need this. I know. You need this

Alexfor your schoolwork. You need this for my homework. Yes. No, the, the. Let me see how much money I have. The iMac Pro that I always configure has, I believe, uh, hold on. What is, um, let me go

Maxinto my bag because that's where. Alex, what would you, what would you do with this? Would Does it go at work or at your house?

AlexWell, here's the thing. One for each. Yeah, here's the thing. There's very little room in my house for a computer, but I did spec out.

MaxAlso, your landlord won't let you have one. You can't hang on the wall. Yeah, you got to call him and ask for permission to plug anything in.

AlexThere is a square. Wait a minute. Whoa, whoa, whoa.

MerlinAre you using a shower curtain? I think I was pretty clear. Let me see if I can get back to you to send a picture. Whoa, whoa, whoa. Is that a spatula? in my kitchen oh my god

Maxoh lord wait wait you own shoes did you guys see the post the post that was going around that was uh what's that website that crazy website Merlin where the people complain about their neighbors next door next door and it was a lady going can you all stop cooking it's upsetting my sensitivities and allergies that's so good oh that's so funny

Merlinokay let's see I checked my bank I have some money I would give. Let's find out. How much do we need to split this up? Well, it depends. So, Alex, what's the configuration?

AlexOh, my God. This is not happening, but I'm going to show you. How much are we talking about?

Speaker AYou've started telling us like eight times. What's the configuration? Alex, it's Christmas.

MerlinCome on. Answer the question.

AlexChannel. I should. I'm trying to get a hold of Matchy because I do have a place in my. There's like three choices.

Speaker AJust tell us. Yeah. It's time for a Christmas miracle. That's what it's time for.

AlexNo. There's not. It's just an up spectrum. Yeah, let's do this. Speck of RAM.

MerlinI want to go home and watch more of the OA. So let's wrap this up.

MaxThe Christmas miracle is having Alex tell us what she wants. Alex, what's Maddie going to tell you? Does he need more RAM? No, no, no, no, no. What's the deal here? No, no, no, no.

AlexI would just, they're in it.

MaxSo, base plus 64 and 4 terabyte. That's what we're looking at here, right?

AlexDoes that, yeah. Does that, because I don't think I need, I don't edit video often anymore. Like, it's not.

MaxGood call. Max, hit order.

AlexOh, God.

MaxYou know, Alex, I'm going to go ahead and bump you up to 2 terabytes.

AlexIt's already at 4 terabytes, dude.

MaxOkay. Oh, 4. Okay. The base, but 64 and 4 terabytes. Marco, your configuration didn't come through. So how many GHZs am I putting in it? The 18 core. Eight? No. Don't do that, Marco.

MerlinDon't do that. I tried. I tried, Alex. That's a good friend right there. 18, 19, whatever it takes.

MaxI don't know.

MerlinWhat would you do with all those GHZs?

AlexI literally would have to work on a Pixar movie. or Call of Duty. That's...

MaxAlright, so if Max is paying, it's the 18 core. If everyone else is paying, it's the 80.

AlexOh my god. I'm too drunk to know if this is real.

MaxAlright, memory, 64. Graphics, any of them. Who cares? Storage, the highest. Wait, wait, wait. I need to know the GHZs. Wait, you're going too fast.

Speaker AThe 10 core? Let's go 10 cores. Go 10 cores. How many Batman dicks? Yeah.

AlexWell, which Batman is it?

MaxAlex if you if you if I get this for you you're gonna have to render me the most exquisite Batman I'm gonna need to see you can do that that's a possibility come on Alex you can do that right

Alexlike a 3d hog I mean I will not do this at work but yes I will do this I will photograph a model in my home I will buy I will rent out someone with a gigantic beautiful dick peeing into some

MerlinOh, they call it a red boy.

AlexYeah, yeah. Well, like a blood boy, but a penis boy.

MerlinYou could get a bat red boy.

Speaker AYeah, beautiful dicks only. With the ray tracing these days.

MerlinIs that prostitution? Can we imagine what it would be like for Alex to try to procure someone with a beautiful hog to come to their apartment to be photographed? Can we just envision?

AlexOh, it's called a stripper, Casey.

Speaker AIt's really not hard to get someone with a hog to come to your house. Yeah, it wouldn't be that hard.

MaxAlex could get that in 20 seconds in the slack.

AlexI'm doing it. I'm seeing, okay.

MaxI'm going to put it in the Discord right now. Let's go. I'm going to go at everyone. At everyone.

MerlinNo, no, no, no, no. Alex is looking for a... It's like the John Mulaney bit about how jokes don't go over well in court.

Speaker AOh, no. He's typing. I can see it in the Discord.

MerlinI'm just imagining the testimony when it's like, so tell me a little bit more, Miss Cox. And so all these people, these more powerful people, they lured you in with the notion of getting a high-end computer if you made a penis. As a condition of my work, I had to make a hog.

MaxAll right, so Max, click 10 core, click 64 gigs, click 4 terabytes, click add to bag. 4 terabytes?

MerlinYeah, 4 terabytes. What year is this? Come on. Yeah, of course. Okay. Yeah. Well, at this point, you wouldn't redo your setup with a NAS. You would just get a couple SSDs. This is the computer I have. 10 core, 64 gig, 4 terabytes.

AlexDone. Kevin Budnick, have you ever heard of Pink Monkey?

MaxAlex. Alex, for the love of God. Stop changing the subject. Buy a fucking computer. So what am I getting? How many MHZs?

Speaker AI don't understand what's happening right now.

MaxDid you get those MHZs and GHZs? 3.0 gigahertz 10 core.

Speaker AI'm googling Pink Monkey.

MaxClick that. 64 gigs? 64 gigs. Yes. Leave GPU the same. Who cares? Four terabyte SSDs. Share your screen with Marco. Alex, are you going to game on this? Pink Monkey is a strip club, Alex Sure, then get the middle or high GPU Who cares?

AlexListen to Marco

MaxWe're going to do four TVs Alex, you don't need any of the magic mice And trackpads or anything We're not getting you the Vesa mount adapter Get the gold cables Big blue button at the bottom Add to bag

AlexI'm just drinking straight out of the Cheetos bottle right now

Max7199 if you have it right Atta girl That's 7,000 That's $7,199. And you're doing it right. Add to bag, and then you've got to get AppleCare Plus because it's really cheap for this amount of money. Add to bag.

AlexAppleCare Plus is a little bit absurdly cheap.

MaxOh, I'm going to get a Thunderbolt cable. Yeah, you need one of those, obviously.

MerlinMarco's like a character from the Middle Ages, like in some kind of a Chaucer. How is Alice going to move her bolts around without Thunderbolt?

Speaker AWhen I began this call, you didn't know what you'd be buying. Marco is Bacchus for technology. We've struck quite a deal, haven't we?

MaxI just want to point out that two people have already volunteered to model nude for Alex. Oh, yep. Since we've been talking. Well, yeah, because there are so many men who are obsessed with their dicks. They want to show them off. I don't know if I can get that. Oh, that's my greatest fear.

Speaker AIt's getting really nasty in there.

MaxThat's a good fear. That's a terrific fear. Of getting shown one or showing one off? No, I don't want anyone to see my hog. A lot of people are afraid of public speaking. Yeah, that's private information. That's my hog is my business That's why I don't like a urinal I have questions about your hog, Max You should be able to sit It's fine, it's normal It's normal in the way that everyone else is

Speaker AIt's not Batman size, but it's okay

MaxIt's not weird at all

Speaker ASo while you're worried about that

MaxClick add AppleCare Plus And then click check out with Apple Pay Okay, I've added it for It's $100 to get AppleCare Plus for an $8,000 computer That's why it's a no-brainer It's a good deal It's one banana Marco, we're gonna go 50-50? I didn't hear that. What?

Speaker ASo click check out with Apple Pay. No, I'm in.

AlexI'm in for granted. How are you doing tonight?

MaxMarco, let's go. 50-50, buddy. Shut up and let them do this.

AlexCasey, I'm from the Midwest.

MaxMarco, let's go. Let's click I'd like it delivered. How's your hog, Alex? I have it all ready to go. Deliver now. All right. So go in for Apple Pay. Buy with Apple Pay. Double click and face your phone and done. Let's go. I'm going to do let's go 50-50 on it. I'll put in 50 bucks. Yeah. Oh, my God, my God!

164. My Hog Is My Business

Show notes

Transcript

164. My Hog Is My Business

Show notes

Transcript

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