135. Spencer Bledsoe

Speaker BThis is Do By Friday, a weekly challenge podcast with Merlin Mann, Alex Cox and Max Tendon. This week's challenge, unconventional fancy.

Speaker AWhat time is it over there? What do you got? 8 a.m.? 8.02. That's not that early. I've become a morning person now. Oh yeah?

AlexWhat's wrong with 8.02? 802.

Speaker AI'm waking up at like 7 a.m. now. Wow. Every day.

AlexOh, wow. Every single day, you say.

MaxI'm just going to call you angel in the morning. I mean, like a year ago, I was staying up until like 4 in the morning, like gaming and waking up at. Gaming. Yeah. Waking up at like noon. Porn hub.

MerlinYou know what? You know what? Okay. Okay. I'm going to have a lot of apologies this episode, but let me open with this one. Oh, my God. What happened?

AlexThat was me. That was me tripping to get something.

MaxAlex is doing some vocal warm-up exercises on her end. This sounds really good, Alex. Alex. Ahem.

Speaker BAhem.

MaxAhem. Ahem. Ahem. Bring back my pig. Get her out of here. She's going after Jarvis.

AlexFuck you, Harley Jarvis.

Speaker AI have a private mind motion to tell you guys about. Okay. We accept your apology after that? Yeah. Okay, go ahead.

MaxDo you guys ever wake up and you have a word in your head?

MerlinYes.

MaxI have all the things in my head. Sometimes I just wake up and I have a word in my head. And this week, one day I just woke up and I had the name Spencer Bledsoe, who was one of the survivors from a season that I watched six months ago.

MerlinSpencer Bledsoe.

MaxAnd I literally sat. Spencer Bledsoe. And I literally sat bolt upright in bed. I woke up at 7.15 a.m. and I sat straight up and I went, Spencer Bledsoe. And then I got in the shower and I was washing my hair.

Speaker AI think you just got activated.

MaxAnd I was like, Spencer Bledsoe. Oh, my. And I was sitting in my car, backing out of the garage to go to work and I was like, Spencer Bledsoe. I was in line getting my coffee at the coffee store and I was like, Spencer Bledsoe. No. Oh, no. Oh, no. Isn't that weird?

MerlinNo, it is. I can't shake it. I mean, once it started, I can't end it. It's there until it goes away. until it's tired of beating. It's basically like a bully who will just get eventually wear himself out beating me. Like a word or a song. And Peggy. Like there'll just be something. Oh no! Right? And it's just, you don't, you know, ancient Chinese secret, huh? Like whatever it is, it's just gonna, it's gonna just until it's, it's like Robb Stark just beating up on Ramsay Bolton. You know, eventually it'll just send me to the dogs,

but only when it's done with me. Fucking hate it.

MaxSpoilers. What I'm looking for at this stage in my life is to become less crazy as I age. Like, I would like to have peaked and now to become more and more normal. And I do not want to wake up and sit up, just bolt out of bed and go, Spencer Bledsoe. Spencer Bledsoe. Thank you for that.

AlexAlex, does this happen to you? Spencer Bledsoe. Spencer Bledsoe.

MerlinYou're a deep sleeper.

AlexDo you get this? Yeah. Oftentimes, it is a song or like, I mean, yeah, Ann Peggy, Spencer Bledsoe. Spencer Bledsoe. I'm fine. It's okay, Spencer Bledsoe. That's all I will be able to think about for the next year of my life. Oh, God, the wiki is very good. He's from Chicago, guys.

MaxI believe he's currently a grad student at UChicago. And I've thought that maybe that the reason that I guess he came up in my sleep or something was I knew that in the back of my mind and my brain was telling me as I was asleep I'm supposed to befriend him.

Oh.

AlexEconomics student at the University of Chicago. We got to find him.

MaxI believe I knew that for some, like I don't know why, maybe because I read the wiki I guess, and it was somewhere in the subconscious, and it was back there, and it wasn't like I was watching an episode with him when I fell asleep. I last saw him on Survivor, I mean months and months ago. I don't know why.

Speaker AI just woke up and I was like Spencer Bledsoe.

MerlinThat's the thing, and the more you try to find a reason for it, the worse it gets. you just get deeper into the brambles because there's not a reason for it. I mean, unless you can construct one.

MaxI think we should, maybe it's a sign that we need to have him on the podcast and hear me out.

MerlinSpencer Bledsoe? You're talking about Spencer Bledsoe?

MaxSpencer Bledsoe? Spencer Bledsoe. And maybe we'll have him on. He'll be like, could you please introduce yourself? And he'll be like, I'm Spencer Bledsoe. I'll just shudder in ecstasy.

I can finally finish. I think that's probably what our listeners, I think our listeners, If I've been hearing the listener feedback correctly, they're crying out for more survivor content. More survivor content.

MerlinDrum Logo Tower, Bibb City, Large Greens, James Bond on Motorcycle versus Ice Skater on Narrow Ship Deck, All postal workers on disability. Drum riser towers. Endurance. Missing children, but funny. The wire. Tattered clothes. Obama often dark. Allentown. New York City. Permiso. Just a few of the things that I have dreamed about. That was on, oh, that was 2013. That one's going way back.

AlexOh my God, that was chilling. I'm not.

MerlinBibb City large greens.

AlexI'm sorry that I made light of it. It is much too early for this. Merlin, what is the Here's the Red Bull

MaxWhat do you think is the instinct that you have to not publish that as poetry? Because a lot of people would write that down That's not poetry? No, but hear me out A lot of people would write that down and they'd go, this is poetry that people have to know and they would call themselves a poet and they would give talks about being a poet and they would have a Patreon where you get poems from them Oh, right, that's so good And it would be worse than that, too It's not that it doesn't work as poetry It's pretty good, I'm intrigued But what is it that you think where you look at that and you're like, I don't know, I guess I'll just read this out on a podcast.

Do you know what I mean?

MerlinIrony strikes zone. Day thought kills night thought.

AlexAre you okay? Am I?

MerlinCosmic four square. Cosmic four square living astronaut. Third person beats stress. No devices.

MaxThird person beats stress. No devices. That's the title of your book. Yeah. Check out my SoundCloud. I'm telling you, I think that there's some sort of, you know how they can take a jellyfish gene and you put it in a mouse and you can make the mouse glow or whatever?

Speaker AOh, right. Sure. You incept. Yeah. Well, I think it's a, what's that thing called where you put the genes in?

MaxCRISPR? CRISPR. Yes. Thank you. CRISPR. CRISPR. I think we need to find that gene that makes you not publish that as a book of poetry and CRISPR it into some people. Wait, wait, wait

Speaker ASo do they become the publisher, the writer, or the dreamer? The publisher, the writer, and the dreamer Spencer Bledsoe Which one? Well, I mean

MerlinI mean, if they get incepted with my jellyfish poems Will they replace me? Are they a life model decoy? Are they a Skrull?

Speaker BPoets, poets, Skrull

Speaker AI just want to protect my children I've utterly failed to communicate my idea Wait, okay, so let's start

Merlinover. Okay, so the world, all we know is

AlexThat's why it's needed, Matt.

MerlinThe thesis statement is the world needs more poems.

Speaker ANo, no, no.

MaxRight? No, no, no. No, no, no, no, no. That's where you're wrong, my friend. No, what I'm saying is that I admire, I respect and admire the instinct that you have that

Speaker Ayou write these things down in a notes document and you're like, you know what? And I never share them. How do we incept the mice to not publish? That's the glowing jellyfish gene that we need to somehow get into the population. Okay? I mean, it's just everybody. It's not just millenniums.

MerlinReally, everybody needs to stop posting.

MaxYes. These are the kind of thoughts that I think a lot of people have. And then they go, this is very profound, and I need to put it out into the world. And I really admire your restraint that you don't go around saying, here's Merlin's dream tumbler.

Speaker BThat's what it would be called.

MerlinThe head thing. Tiny pores open in head. Variations on guys named Ken.

MaxWhat?

MerlinWhat?

MaxGo? What? Hmm?

MerlinA subsidiary of Knight Company.

MaxNow, I've seen a lot of movies.

MerlinKnight Company is me, my mind, my company, and my process. Knight Company is best known for Knight Factory.

MaxI've seen a lot of movies where once we get the CRISPR drug, I've been led to believe that there's some sort of glowing sort of EMP-type device that we detonate, and it aerosolizes it, and we can get a whole city all at once. Okay, like the Joker would do. Like a Raz al-Hanood.

MerlinYes. Bless you. Russell Hanu? Is he the one who was born in it? No, that's the other guy. I think you're thinking of Gladiator. Russell Gould. Russell Gould? Russell Gould. What's his name? Ken Jennings? No, who was your guy? Spencer Ackerman? Spencer Bledsoe. Spencer Bledsoe. Spencer Bledsoe. Spencer Bledsoe. Parvati Shallow. Parvati Shallow. Parvati Shallow. Now that one, boy. Woo! That one's been... You know what it is? And the thing is, I experience it on many levels.

because... You know the big Parvati Shallow news. Hang on. What? I want to hear... No. You know what? Yours is better. God, I'm tired. No. My brain says... At first, my brain says Parvati Shallow, but you know what else it says? It also says Porvati. Because in my brain, I also say it like Russell. Say it like Russell says it. Porvati. Porvati. And then my brain also says it as Poverty because for the first few episodes, I thought her name was Poverty. Yes. Poverty Shallows. Parvati Shallow Spencer Bledsoe

Spencer Bledsoe

Maxso for their big 40th season so it's not the next season it's the season after next oh come on

Speaker Bno stop no they've announced spoilers it's not a spoiler but I don't care it doesn't matter

Alexwe I mean open doors

Merlingauge occupancy

Alexdo you not want to know the publicly announced

Maxlike theme of an upcoming survivor season

MerlinI not only don't want to know I don't want to know what I didn't want to know and you told me anyway I didn't want to know I didn't tell you You did you put it in the channel You put it in the bespoke channel And I begged you I begged you I pleaded you I was there feeding you please Please don't tell me feeding you Jack

Speaker APurity of essence peace on earth They're doing an oops all winters

MerlinI'm sorry, go ahead. I also still owe you an apology.

Speaker AGo ahead. Well, go ahead. Please apologize.

MerlinNo, I know. This is not usable, any of this. You were saying, okay, so go ahead and tell me.

Speaker ASo it's oops, oopsie, oopsie doopsie, all winners in the box.

MaxIt's oops all winners. And I think Parvati Shallows, they've announced a bunch of cast that's returning, and I think she's one of them.

MerlinOh, God, I love her. So we could see a Parvati. We could see, well, we see a Boston Rob. Is he out of the game?

MaxBoss and Rob is going to be back I believe he's not in the next season like as a contestant but they're going to have the gimmick next season

MerlinIs he going to be like a force ghost?

MaxYes James Earl Ray?

MerlinWho played the lion?

MaxSo the gimmick of the upcoming season is if you get I don't know exactly how it works but somehow you can get sent to this thing called Island of the Idols and there's like two survival idols there was it Sandra and Boss and Rob?

MerlinOh, I thought you meant like a fetish. I thought you meant like you collect like a tiki doll. You're saying Sandra is there. You collect a Sandra.

Speaker AYou bring that back from Handjob Island. You like hang out with them and they give you advice. Like an oracle? Like an oracle. Like a force ghost. Okay, the oracle at Sandra.

MerlinOkay.

MaxYeah. You have to bring Boston Robb your lightsaber and he throws it away.

MerlinOh, because you couldn't bring your own. Well, who's the maester Qyburn? They threw him out of the citadel. You get your Qyburn crystals. You go and you make your own lightsaber with Sandra. Exactly.

AlexQuestion for the table.

MerlinYes.

AlexWhy would, like really, why would anybody actually do that? Unpaid, go on an island. You're not participating for the million dollars, and you just stand there in front of a gigantic tiki head of yourself. What has...

MerlinOh, would you get a cool chair? Would you get like a throne to sit in? Alex, I bet they are paid. I bet they're paid good.

AlexI mean, I'm sure they're paid, but not like enough.

MerlinBut you said why would you... Yeah, right. No, exactly. How many things would you cancel to go sit on an island in front of an idol of yourself? How much are you being paid? It depends. It depends. Do you get like a per diem, do you think?

Speaker AYou know, a lot of people want to be on TV. I think it's like people wanting to go back to Nam. They got to get back in this shit. You know what I'm saying?

MerlinYeah. I don't claim to understand it.

MaxI think a better way to understand it. I think that money is enticing on reality TV. And by the way, did you guys know in Survivor that you get money even if you don't win based on how far you get? Yeah. Do you know how much? Oh, really? Oh, no.

AlexI didn't know it was based on how far you get.

MaxYeah, I believe if you make it to the final three, you get like six figures. Oh, my. Oh, interesting. Yeah, I think that's, it's in the rule book. But yeah, you get a lot of money just for being there. But I think you're underestimating, like, Americans want to be on TV. Like, they just do. Like, it's not really like a super rational thing. I think that people just, they see a TV camera, they want to draw. I mean, a lot of Americans, they see a camera, they're like, I got to be on this thing. I need attention. People have to hear, they have to see my deal. They have to hear what I have to say. Spencer Bledsoe.

Spencer Bledsoe.

MerlinAnd you look at somebody like Johnny Paycheck, Robert Fairplay, you look at somebody like that, and you could tell his heart wasn't in it. Even like his one season, he concocted the business, you know, Ducci died, right? And then he came back. And wasn't he trying to sell basically the same version of the lie again? And he kind of like pretty much voluntarily went out after like one episode. You could tell his heart wasn't in it. Do you remember that when he came back?

Alexsomething like that. And Jeff was like, I'm done with you. Fair play. I'm done. Like, I don't even quite remember what it was.

MerlinI'm also super interested in the summary executions. We're like on a handful of occasions. We talked before about like when, how interesting it is when somebody throws a curve ball and says, Hey Jeff, can we, can I, can we, can we parlay here? What I want to do is split up this salad between everybody. And he's like, I'll allow it. But I'm also interested in times where like, fuck it. Let's do tribal council now, bitch.

Speaker AThis hot fruit salad and cream that's been baking in the sun for eight

Maxhours.

Speaker AWhile we set up our key... Peaches, pears, grapes, all the fixings in heavy syrup. Yeah, we set up our key lights and get the actors in.

MaxNine hours, you're baking in the sun. You come in and eat the deli meats.

Speaker AAnd then every time that happens... Who wants a burger made in Fiji? I'm good. I'm good. Worth playing for? And for the winner, you'll get to enjoy the Survivor Egg Salad Bar. Just like a huge vat of egg salad, mayo, bread, all the fixations. You were playing for it? Flan, a bowl, a spoon, sunlight, flan.

MaxThey always come into the picnic zone, and it's been obviously sitting out there just sweating in the hot tropical sun for eight hours.

Speaker AYou solve your puzzle, and you look under it, and it's just a bowl of mayonnaise. Just festering egg salad.

Maxand they come in and they're starving and so they start cramming these egg salad sandwiches into their mouth just going insane eating them and then they go back to camp this happens every season of Survivor and then they go back to camp and they all start vomiting and then they're always like I guess we ate too much it's like are you fucking kidding me

Merlinanybody want to guess what those were eggs of what want to find out what you were eating for

MaxHave you guys, you know how sometimes on, I think this is great. I think this is why people are tuning in this week because they want to hear this.

MerlinWell, they said there's survivor content.

MaxYou know what? Survivor, they do the extreme eating challenges. They got to eat like a ball or something.

AlexThey haven't done that for like years, right?

MaxI don't know. Have you guys ever had one of those come up, though, where you've eaten something on there voluntarily that they're making them eat? No. It's happened to me several times.

AlexOh.

MaxWhoa.

AlexI think one time you had made me. I mean, yes, I voluntarily ate it. But there was something, some sort of transparent bug thing or fish thing that I had definitely eaten. I think it was like a fish eye or something.

MaxI've eaten a fish eye.

AlexYeah. Yeah. That's probably it.

MaxI've eaten, I've eaten like, I swear I've eaten like a handful of the dishes just voluntarily because they're delicacies.

MerlinAnd finally, it's a room temperature six inch Subway BMT. Biggest meatiest tastiest. Oh no. How long has it been out here? You'll find out. Really struggling to keep that down.

They open their mouth and you just see the congealed bread around their gums. I finished it. I eat it.

MaxOne time they made them eat one of those eggs Like the Cardassian opens for Jean-Luc Picard When they capture him

MerlinOh no With the one with the lights Oh god yes I don't like those We should talk more about Survivor I got a lot of thoughts about Survivor

MaxLet's move on to the apology Hey guys welcome to Dubai Friday Challenge yourself challenge your friends Hey what's up Alex so you're in San Francisco this week huh Yep

Speaker AWBC, Dub Dub, Dub Dub in San Fran Oh wait, where is it? Saracen Jose

AlexYes, yes it is

Speaker ADid you say Saracen Jose?

AlexSaracen Jose

Speaker ASpencer Bledsoe

AlexSpencer Bledsoe

MaxLook up Balut real quick B-A-L-U-T What? What is it?

AlexThis sounds familiar

MaxI mean this should be a challenge Do a Google image search for Balut Oh no B-A-L-U-T Challenge No, no, no, no, no Merlin, I could see you make this for your whole family Old Balut sausage night Oh, no. Oh, no, no. I have not. I will say I've never.

Speaker AYou'll be even better. Easter Sunday. I've never eaten this, but I've heard that the beak and the claws are kind of crunchy. Mm. Mm. Tastes like chicken.

MaxAnd I think you have to spit the feathers out when you're done.

MerlinI want to hear how things are going in San Francisco at Dub Dub. But all I wanted to say was, I hate it when you're fucking right, Max. It's so galling to me when you're right, because you're wrong so much. It's just, it's, no, no, no, in a good way.

Speaker AIt just grinds me down. I can't think of a time when I've been wrong, but what was I right about in particular? That's part of your gift.

MerlinBut, you know, you nailed this, and I hate that you nailed it. I think you should leave. You were right. You were right. You were right. You were right. You happy now? You happy now, bitch? Yeah. You were right. You were right. You said, hey, I've done your homework. Did you watch these 11 things I told you to watch? This is everything right now.

Speaker AMillennium's one large toilet paper. Watch this. So isn't it good? Oh, my. Well, obviously. I'm just catching up on how our- Merlin, welcome to the Turbo Team. Hey, I'll look at your art book. It's just a little hole for farts. Find a receipt from Home Depot.

MaxI'm telling you, if you were to watch Steven Universe- I was doing it to get you away from the air conditioning.

AlexHold on. What? No, no, no. What? You're saying that- You're apologizing to Max because out of the dozens of shows he has suggested- Yes. The one, you have watched one that you enjoyed and he gets an apology?

MerlinHe's like a stop clock that is impossibly right every few days. His slugging percentage is extremely low.

He refuses to accept that I have actually watched a whole fuck ton of Steven Universe. But you're not watching it right, though.

AlexYou're not watching it right.

MerlinWhat? You got the gems. Some are one gem, some are two gems, some are more gems. God, no. I hate this. No, come on. You guys, I get the gist. And there's that one song. This is the song we sing in many different ways.

AlexThere's so few things that make people happy.

MerlinAnd then his dad's got the sunburn and car wash. And then his mom, oh, everybody loves her mom. Then the big gem comes in. Everybody's sad. And then Pearl makes a face like this. And then you can become three gems. And then the gem they all become at the end was extremely disappointing and ugly. And it was a fucking Voltron. Couldn't they make a prettier gem?

AlexSpoilers. What? I'm going to make a change.org petition to Merlin Mann's watching Steven Universe wrong. And then, because every change.org petition is successful, you're going to watch everyone in order and enjoy all of the songs and listen to them multiple times.

Speaker AAttend, attend, signer la petition. Signer la petition.

MaxI just want to apologize to all of our listeners. I know that this is very upsetting to you that Merlin is not enjoying Steven Universe correctly. and uh he you know as you know merlin does not have time to watch steven universe because he's on a mission to give his wife the most orgasm she's ever experienced

Merlinhis goal is to do that in one day right he has 24 hours 24 hours yes 24 hours one wife i'm pretty sure she got close once in 2002 so i'm not exactly slighting it she had she was real real close but I was tired. I was shagged out, and I was trying some new nootropics.

MaxThis is actually too upsetting. I actually don't want to talk about this. I don't want it. I don't want it. No. No. But it's a new. I just want to acknowledge that we've, you know, it's like, listen, it's like Alex Hanawald, right? Like him, don't like him. I think that we should respect that he's sort of doing a new human achievement that hasn't been done before. And I just want to say, however you feel about this, we've reached a new, it's like reaching the summit of wife guy. Okay? This is it. Oh, yeah. He's the king of Mount wife guy. Yeah. you know you're not supposed 10 years ago no one even thought that you could climb

wife guy mountain

Speaker Aand now people are going free solo he's fucking free solo on wife guy

Merlinhe free solo on his wife so hard does she get a vote in that this this is there you know what we can't talk about this as I stipulated he seems like a nice guy but uh there are times where she just wants to watch your stories and he's like he's coming in a sweatsuit okay here we go i had a lot of water

Speaker Ai had a lot of water i think he's got one of those headlamps like a minor i got a new triple dong a tool belt Okay, so that's nice. That's a nice thing. Anyway, we're all happy for, you know, his achievement. Yes.

Speaker BYes.

MerlinPound sign. Pound sign come all day. I invented that.

MaxAnd Merlin has to apologize for, sorry to bother you.

MerlinI'm sorry to bother you.

MaxIt's a very good...

MerlinI keep coming back to it. And yes, I am now officially obsessing about it. And did you see Dave Weigel's request that somebody answered last night?

Speaker AWhat's this? Where they put the focus group guy on a Fox News graphic? I did see. Yeah, it's very funny.

MerlinOh my God. You suck, Paul. One of the kid-driven talks... We have my kid's graduation this week and it was real nice and real sweet. You know, but the try-hards get to go up there. Can you say what she graduated? Yes.

No, I'm not going to do a joke. No, she's in elementary school. But they call it promotion. No, no, I know. Don't give me the dash talk. I know it's not actually an achievement. No, shut up.

AlexYes, it is. Fuck you.

MerlinIt's hard. Look at that girl. She's the same height as Daenerys now. Can you believe her? I didn't think she was that old. I'm crazy. Khaleesi. Wow. But you know the tryhards get to get up there and give their speech. And it was really sweet. And one of the kids doing a speech was like, oh, no, I came in here and I was very scared. And then my teacher helped me. And I turned to my wife and I looked at her. I didn't roll my eyes. I just looked at her. And then I drew my mouth very close to her ear and I said, teacher's pet.

Teacher's pet. I am doing the best at this. You suck, Paul. Where's the

Speaker ADo you know about the soundboard? Oh no Soundboard of I think you should leave?

MaxOh shit dog

Speaker ANo of that guy Hang on

MerlinOh they have one of the guy What is he? You think he's probably Italian?

MaxHang on Hang on Hang on Where's this fucking soundboard? Here Okay check this out Okay

Speaker BA good steering wheel that doesn't fry off while you're driving. You have the good car ideas. Now you have to marry your mother-in-law. That is a good idea. Too small. Too small. What about if it is stinky inside? Your mother-in-law. If you don't, that means you yourself are meeting yourself that you suck.

Oh, my God. He amirder. I cannot think of any good idea because this guy keeps funny.

And he dabs.

MerlinOkay. Anyway, that was – you know what? And I can tell I love it because – I can tell I love it because they keep oscillating between which is my current favorite bit. I have also editorially gone in and figured out which episodes I can show to my kid so that some of these have now entered the canon.

MaxWhich ones can't she see out of curiosity?

MerlinWell, I got a fest over on Baby of the Year. Oh, because it's boring. Because of the oral. I got a fest over the oral and Baby of the Year. And I got a fest over – well, you know, she's seen some of the hot dog one, but I got a fest over the funny part. I got a fest over the porn sites.

MaxYeah.

MerlinBut no, but nachos, fully loaded nachos, totally fine.

Speaker AThat's a good sketch. Yeah. That's a sleeper sketch. You picked a good one to get me hooked, though. The Honk If You're Horny was a great introductory sketch.

Speaker BThank you.

Speaker AI think I'm good at finding...

Speaker BI grew up in a small town.

Speaker AThings were hard.

Speaker BWe had to find ways to make it...

Speaker AMy stomach hurts.

Speaker BWe had to find a way to make things a little funny. When he opens the trunk. He opens the trunk. He has a trunk full of four. Why does he have that?

MaxI think I'm good at picking the starter episode of things to get people excited. And I always appreciate when people do the same thing. When people recommend something to me and they're like, here's the one to get started.

MerlinIt's just one of my special talents that I have. God, I'd love to be better at that. I'd like to think that I'm good at that, but I'm not sure that I am. But it is a gift. to know. Well, let's see, my metric, as I've said before, my metric, and I have friends that I do podcasts with who disagree with this, but the thing I want to give somebody is the, like, okay, look, and you face this with the discourse, because everybody likes something, and then all these people don't like something, and you don't want to get caught up in a thing, but I want to be the party that can say, okay, I love this thing. I'm

obsessed with this thing, and I will sometimes have a somewhat unconventional first episode. I'm going to drive Syracuse so crazy. But what I want to give you is something where you can say fairly quickly, I want to value your time as the potential new fan of this by saying to you, you're going to know pretty quickly whether this is for you. A lot of people are like, I'll just watch the whole first season. It's like that's not a suggestion. That's not viable. You need to give somebody something. So I'll say to somebody, watch The 11th Hour. And if you hated that, don't bother.

If you hate The 11th Hour, Doctor Who is not for you, right? If you want to start at the beginning, start at the beginning. It's a real old show. But I like to give somebody something where they'll be able to go fairly quickly. You know what I'm talking about? You will know fairly quickly whether this is for you. Yeah.

AlexI'm afraid of making Syracuse a man.

MerlinAnd I try to make it a good one. I try to make it a good one. It might be a weird one. But what do you do, Alex? If you're trying to share your wisdom with people, how do you help them get started with things?

AlexI return null, as you say.

MerlinMm-hmm.

AlexI'm afraid of making it. But let's just say yesterday Syracuse had texted me something, just a completely normal question. And I had nearly a panic attack and came up to him. It's like, OK, what do you need? What's wrong? He's like, no, I'm just, hey, hi. So I'm very afraid of the man. He's very domineering.

MerlinHe did that to you?

AlexHe did. He did. He said, hey, are you here? And I lost it. I was very upset.

MerlinSo were you parsing that for what it actually meant?

AlexWell, exactly. And then I lost.

MerlinDid you think you were in trouble?

AlexI thought immediately it was like you, Max, my dad and my dead grandpa all texted me at once saying like, get over here now. And I don't know. And then I lost service and my brain broke.

MaxMaybe Mr. Syracuse. I needed an HDMI cable. Oh, right.

AlexWell, honestly, you never know.

MaxProduce my dongle.

Alexit's making me very self-conscious to not have all my dongles that sounds like john that he

Maxwould just randomly he would just randomly text you and be like do a small errand for me

Alexsend a rave into casey this

Maxso what happened what i'm curious i haven't listened yet but the atp thing went good where we brought them a toaster?

AlexNo, it was a disaster. Nobody liked it. Nobody tweeted about it. Okay. I saw some, I'm not on Twitter anymore.

MerlinOkay. Well, circle back to me on these audiences because I want to talk about these audiences, but we have to talk about how this, this should be remembered as the WWDC of Alex Cox. This is your year, kid. What? I agree.

This is your,

Merlinthis is fucking, this is fucking your year. Don't listen to the audiences that are there. They want to know about Swift bug UI or whatever the fuck, but the people, the real people, the people who actually like you or think they like you, are very excited for Alex this year. They're very

Maxexcited for Alex this year. I agree with this. It's all downhill from here, Alex. I know.

AlexThe entire time, I'm like, well, it's been a good run.

MerlinDo we skip the audiences? They're terrible. But audiences don't know how to audience anymore, and it makes me very sad. So, real quick, at the graduation ceremony, and this could be privilege. I understand this could be privilege, but every single fucking kid, I was clapping almost the entire time. I clapped for everybody. And I didn't go woot woot when my kid went by. I clapped for everybody. Because everybody. But see, that could be privilege. That could be that you brought your whole family to say it. And said, I'm going to. Our family's going to clap louder than anybody else.

So I don't want to shit on that. But like, it's a bunch of children at a graduation thing. You don't want to. There should not be a clear winner. Unless it's like a Hunger Games thing. But like, then you go to WWDC and it's like. That's the noise the audience makes. I listened to some of the ATP. I listened to a bunch of the ATP. The audience seemed dead as hell. Like super dead. Am I wrong?

AlexThe thing with the Mac Pro, it's like people got real excited. And then it just, I don't know. It's like someone turned the air conditioning off. And it's like everyone's now festering and getting like, oh, it's so expensive. It's so expensive. Like, well, no shit, guys. Like, I feel like people don't or the audience here does not know what a reference monitor is.

MerlinI was I was talking just about like if you're if you're if you're not there for Casey's bits about Tito's vodka, like, why did you buy a ticket? Why did you come to this show? You knew what you were in for with this show. Like, why did that audience? Was it just the mics? It's just I don't know, man. It just makes me sad. It makes me sad that people just don't audience well. Get into it, man. Fucking put your back into it.

MaxI've seen a lot of takes about that Apple, the Mac Pro and that Apple monitor. And I think they're really, I think people are pretty misinformed about this because I think they think that, oh, it's just like a Dell computer monitor that you put on your desk and Apple selling one for 5,000 bucks or whatever. Yeah. I think people like, do you know anything about this Merlin? The idea of like, do you know like a reference monitor that's used for like video editing?

MerlinWell, I know what I heard from ATP talking about, like, and I didn't get to see the Dob-Dob. I was recording stuff and I haven't had the chance to watch it. But I mean, I have a gloss on what happened. So we shot. No, but you're talking about comparing it to a 40 something thousand Sony reference monitor, right?

MaxYeah. So we shot this like political ad, this fake political ad for this like Republican candidate that we invented for our politics pack. And I did and I did all the editing for it. It was shot in 4K and I needed to correct the color grade the footage. And so I don't own a color reference monitor for video editing. I have the you know the LG like Apple monitor and that's good enough like for like 80 percent of what I need to do but on this project it was like 4k footage and I you know I wanted it to be professional so I had Alex go out and rent one of these reference monitors for me because they're

they're literally too expensive for me to own Alex do you remember how much it was for me to rent it for about like three or four days while I was working on that uh well the plan for three

Alexor four a day was $750 but for as long as you kept it it was $1,500 yeah and but but honestly that wasn't that long it was like seven days and it was fifteen hundred dollars well i need to get

Maxinto the rental market so that's that's like to rent one from like a like a like a you know professional like av like rental house that we work with so like i people do have no concept of i mean i like i haven't seen the monitor so i don't know if it's any good but if it's as good as these other products like i that thing is an amazing product an amazing product but it's just i think people see stuff from apple and they're like well that's not for me and so it's too

Merlinexpensive. Well, and that, and I don't want to get too wound up in this because it's, uh, people get a little silly about this, but the, uh, I mean, I still have, actually, I can see it from here, my Mac pro that I bought in, I want to say 2007. And, um, I believe that the entire life of this particular class of Mac pros, internally, this is not just a relay FM bit. Like it's been called the cheese grater for over a decade.

For over a decade, everyone who owns them or knows of them can quickly, like I, like, like you're not going to confuse it with the Yosemite G3 that I had. I used to, my, my first big tower that I own with my own money. I had a quadra 800 at work, but the one I bought with my money when I went indie was Yosemite, Yosemite G3, which is the blue and white one with the door, you know, and all that. but like it's been called a cheese grater for over a decade anybody I'm not trying see now I'm being that guy I'm being comic book guy about this but like it's been called the cheese grater for that entire time by the people

who spent thousands of dollars on them the entire run up to this the years and years of run up like when the shitty trash can came out everybody said wow it's really different from the cheese grater and I don't know where I'm going with this but like fucking Twitter is so goddamn stupid because it's like it's like you know read one chapter of Harry Potter type people who are like, is anybody, put on your Mark Twain mustache and come out and go, is anybody else,

Speaker Bdid you see this stuff that Apple's

Merlintrying to vend to me? It's a $75,000 computer. I already own a cheese grater. And you're like, you fucking idiots. You're so fucking, I don't want to be that particular guy. All anybody has wanted, here's the story for the last few years. Make a modular, actual computer for computer professionals that has upgradable parts inside of it and works really fucking well and has the fans that we need and doesn't look like something you'd put tampons in at a junior high. Give us an actual fucking computer for adults.

Take all of my money. And then a run-up as recently as the last week has been, I wonder if it'll look like the cheese grater. Everybody knows it looks like a cheese grater, you fucking dick. So then it comes out, and here's Twitter with the Mark Twain mustache. they're like, here's a picture of something I have in my kitchen. It's a joke. You fucking dunces. You're so stupid. I hate you. I hate you so, so much. And anime guys over here going, well, typical.

I can't believe anybody buys Apple, beep, boop. And then people now, of course, then you got the backlash to the backlash to the backlash in the industry. They're like, well, actually, I'd still rather have the Sony because nit, nit, nit. And you're like, okay, fine. Everybody fucking calm down. Calm down. is what I'm saying.

AlexI don't know what just happened. That was, okay. Whoa. I need, whoa, whoa. Merlin Mann just came back in form of comic book guy and it was watching a Pokemon evolve, but like it, oh man.

MaxMerlin's been charging up like Goku for six years, not talking about computers.

AlexHe went super saiyan.

MaxHa ha, ha ha. You can't fight my fireball.

Speaker AHa ha.

MerlinI just had an anime war with myself.

MaxListen, I've watched a lot of these godforsaken press conferences. I mean, there's honestly, I know it's like the professional one or whatever, but these things really should not be two hours. Yes, Nate! Oh, my God! I think we can all agree. He's popping off. Here he comes.

MerlinNo, no, it's boring. It's the world's world developers conference. Max, every sentence you have where there's a comma, in it, you know everything before the comma is meaningless.

Speaker AListen, just do a long one.

MerlinListen, I don't want to seem like I don't understand this, comma. Yeah.

Speaker BBut I know this is a conference for developers,

Merlinbut there's too much developer content.

AlexI don't want to be homophobic. But. I don't want to be racist.

MaxBut. You know how they have the stupid State of the Union for platforms or whatever? Do a long one for developers, but the thing that they broadcast and advertise to the public, make it a tight 45 minutes. And that's long already.

AlexOh my God, no.

Speaker ABe like, we have a new computer. Why do they talk so much about independent watch apps? Was that really necessary? Who needs independent watch apps? Why do they keep showing all those screenshots?

MaxYou know what? One sentence, show it. Be like, go online if you want to learn more. That's the thing. But anyway, I've seen a lot of these godforsaken press conferences, but I think we can all agree.

AlexIt's not a press conference. It's a keynote. The press conferences.

Speaker AOh, excuse me. They didn't take any questions. They didn't take any questions. It's not really a press conference.

AlexIt's not a press conference. It is a keynote presentation of the Worldwide Developer Conference. All right.

MaxI've seen a lot of these two-hour Apple advertisements. Oh, my God. I think we can all agree that this is the best one they've ever done.

Speaker BWhoa. Whoa. Swivel, swivel, swivel. Woo.

MaxI'll forgive all of the problems because I think they made some really good editorial decisions in the type of content. You know, Apple... I owe you another apology. Here's the thing. I think that all these companies have to choose, you know, which celebrities they're going to do endorsement deals with and whose statements they're going to stand behind. And, you know, I think it was really brave brave of the Apple Corporation

to officially endorse everything that we've ever said on Dubai Friday. Yeah. By showing us in the keynote.

MerlinOh, yeah. I didn't want to crush the bunny, but that was pretty fucking cool.

AlexThat was the... I didn't know if you were going to talk about it.

MerlinYou can't talk about the show on the show, but that was really...

MaxYou guys didn't know that was going to happen? Fuck no! How would we know that? Tim Cook called me last week. He was like, hey, can we put you in the keynote? And I was like, yeah, dude, go for it. That's cool.

MerlinCould you tell us the call, but do his voice like he's Bill Clinton? That seems to be the prevailing way to do Tim Cook. Hey, Max. Hey, Max. I just wanted to give you a heads up.

MaxHey, Max. I feel your pain. No, he said, we can't pay you, but all three of us are allowed to go into any Apple store and steal any cable that we want and walk out with it.

MerlinWe get absolution. Apple absolution?

MaxWell, it's like pre-absolution. Apple absolution plus. And I said, Tim, how will you know that we're not stealing it? And he said, well, we'll just know.

MerlinOh, because of censors. Oh, yeah, this is good.

Speaker AIt's like an indulgence. You go to the Catholic Church.

MaxAnd I think he also mentioned that all of our users, all of our listeners could do that as well.

Speaker AWe should call them users.

MaxAnyone who listens to the Dubai Friday podcast, I believe the deal is you're allowed to go into your local Apple store. And you just take any cable off of the wall that you want. And that's yours.

MerlinIf it's at Apple or Home Depot, it's not technically stealing.

AlexIf you take a plant Yeah right You're rescuing the plant

MerlinYou're not stealing it

AlexExactly

Speaker AI've stolen a nut from Home Depot

MerlinStolen nut I stole a nut A little nut You can name every kind of nut

MaxHexagon Sexagon I've gone into Home Depot And I needed one of something And I just took it and left Wow Wow

AlexWhat the Wait Okay it's not a bit now Alright No

MerlinWell, no, because he's saving them money. If you think about the overhead of him having to actually go. Well, no, he didn't.

AlexNo credit card transaction.

MerlinNo credit card money. Nope, nope, nope. Didn't have to bother the time of a semi-retired man in an orange vest. La, la, la. You didn't have to, like, bother that guy.

Speaker AYou know what I'm saying? They make it up in bulk. I don't know what that means, but that's something people say. Stealing at scale. Yeah.

AlexI mean, they're too busy building walkers for children and not a pipe.

MerlinOh, that was nice.

AlexThank you for your service. God. Quinn cut that out.

Speaker BI'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

MerlinThis black man was beaten by police for 35 hours and somebody bought him a Coke. The heartwarming story of the day. This man's entire life is informed by levels and layers of social injustice over which he has no control. He was allowed to leave jail early to go to court. heartwarming story of the day this woman wasn't allowed to make a gorgor but they did give her a pamphlet heartwarming story of the day

Alexoh what a great episode this is going to be

MerlinMy favorites are like, you know, this security guard was a week from retirement when the school fell on his head and he didn't have insurance. So they got him a Netflix account. Heartwarming story of the day. Yeah, there's still a lot of room to grow.

Speaker AAnyway, you're in San Francisco for a fancy, fancy dub dub. Yeah, Alex, what are the highlights? Tell us about it. I've never been.

Maxnow were you did you go to that did you go to the talk where they their two-hour ad you know

Alexyeah i was in the front row oh nice yeah yeah it's cool it was really cool pretty cool yeah

Maxyeah i mean i just watched i just watched the two-hour ad at home like a cock you saw it in

Merlinperson huh yep i was i was recording a uh two hour and 40 minute roderick on the line oh god it's it's a journey it has to be two episodes because of the the june um well it's it's just because roderick but like it's gonna be a thing to edit and figure out where it's really quite a journey but uh long story short that was on uh the day while da da was happening and i um yeah i was paying paying attention like i do but then i looked over and i

saw a big number on one of my uh one of my menchies somewhere and everybody's like and i was like holy shit we just we just our thing was in the thing why couldn't they pick a better time okay so here's what happened should we say what happened do people know what happened

Alexwe should say because we're being coy and stupid happen uh i'm so we're just in our friend's hotel

Maxroom watching the keynote i'm personally i'm very excited to see how alex explains this story i am

Alexso excited. Okay. All right. Once a year, the Apple Incorporated gets together and they do the Worldwide Developer Conference and they broadcast their keynote presentation so that everybody can watch. So excitedly, myself and some of our nerd friends were watching the keynote presentation in our hotel room. And there are these slides, you know, slides, right?

MaxYou all got together to watch the ad together at the same time? It was a press conference. Yes.

AlexI apologize. I apologize. You know when there are slides, like there's this program called Keynote. Some people might call it Microsoft PowerPoint or a Google slide. They do one of those, but it's really, really fancy. And they talk about the new features. And one of the new features, there was a screenshot. And, you know, a screenshot is something where, oh, you know what? I don't know if it's a screenshot. Never mind. Never mind. Excuse me. Strike my last sentence from the record.

Each slide contains something they're showing off. And they, one thing. Fuck me. And during the press conference. During the press conference, one of the slides.

MaxAlex, didn't you go to college to learn how to make movies and tell stories? She's a communicator, Max.

Speaker BAren't you like a professional storyteller? There's no word. No, no, I'm not. Very much no. Let me explain.

MerlinA color is a way that light causes... You told me to start from the very beginning. I should go further back.

AlexFrom the very beginning. Let me go.

MerlinThere was an explosion that created the universe. A sort of large band.

AlexYou know what? Okay. And then one of the slides contained our program on...

Speaker BI don't know this is funny anymore. contain our program.

AlexOh my god. Our show was on an Apple on the slide. The Apple keynote. I don't know. I was so freaked out that I had to re-watch the keynote. I had no idea what the fuck happened for the rest of the...

Speaker AI feel like that should probably clear it up for all of our listeners. Thanks for tuning in, guys. So thank you very much, everybody. Give us your fucking money.com. I feel like no one can have any

Maxquestions after that?

MerlinJust to explain the bit a little bit here. This is normally where I would jump in in a very frenzied way to the best of my ability, try and super explain what Alex just said, but I'm just going to let it lie, as they say. So anyway, our content was on a slide.

AlexOur content was on a slide.

MerlinWe got featured in a screenshot on an Apple Watch that has since reappeared on the developer site and in the independent watch breakout session for developers. And our people who have listened to the program and enjoy it, saw it, and told us about it, and just have been sharing those appearances in the wild of it. And on the one hand, it's beyond cool. I mean, wonderful feeling for me. I'll speak for myself. That's so cool. My wife is proud of me for the first time literally ever.

She told a family member about it. My daughter touched my arm and said, that's really cool. I think she even texted you, Alex. She texted you. She texted you to say congratulations, Alex. My family is proud of me for the first time ever, and they don't listen to the program. But then the other part is like, how? How did this happen? Why the timestamp where we're complaining about Twitter? They go right to the timestamp where I made fun of Jonathan Axios.

AlexYou know, maybe they don't like the show.

MerlinYeah, maybe they're beefing with Axios.

Speaker BHey, hey, I just published something on my CMS. Here's 17 links. I'm Jonathan Axios.

MaxIt's a tremendous honor, and I hope for all of our friends in podcasting, anyone listening to this, that if you work hard on your show, that you can have your intellectual property used in an Apple advertisement for no compensation.

Speaker BOh, my God. Eleanor said, did they ask you?

MerlinAnd I said, no, they didn't ask me. She said, why wouldn't they ask you? I was like, well, and then I went into dad explaining mode where I'm like, well, if it was a. . .

MaxI assume it's reciprocal, so we're allowed to use, like, the Apple logo and the Apple brand and any Cards Against Humanity advertisements that we do because it's an honor.

MerlinWhenever you do a press conference, whenever you. . .

MaxYeah, well, it's an honor. It's an honor, I think, to be in an ad for Cards Against Humanity. And I think that the Apple Corporation will really appreciate that I've selected them to receive this honor.

MerlinYeah. I checked the stats. I checked the stats, and it didn't move the needle.

AlexPlease, whoever did that, thank you. Thank you so much.

MaxThe payday was pretty sweet, though. I think we're all pretty happy about that.

Speaker AYeah.

MaxYeah.

AlexUgh. Yeah. No, it's cool.

MerlinSo it sounds like it was a real talk, though. It sounds like, yeah, well, yeah. Max, don't answer. But it's very, I felt.

MaxYou know what's weird is Alex and I gave a talk at the Apple store, and that only took like an hour or two, and they gave us each a free iPad and a pencil or whatever. But now they're using our logo on our show to sell their $1,000 laptop stand or whatever, and we don't even get a, they should give us an iPad.

Speaker AHoly shit, and you know what they should do? Give me a treat. They're lucky that Kevin's not litigious, is what I'm saying. Well, it was a work for hire.

MaxOh, work for hire. Yeah, we own it. They're lucky we're not litigious. Give us a treat, Apple. I don't want to sue you. Don't make me sue you. Don't make me do court on you. Yeah. Let me go into an Apple store and steal any cable I want. Uh-huh. Oh, my God.

AlexThey literally gave you the biggest treat. Well, I mean, you're right. It could have been in the iPhone.

MaxHaving my name used for free in their advertising.

MerlinOh, thank you. My name and my likeness. Don't make me blog about this. I will medium about this.

MaxAlex, I think if you keep doing this quality of podcasting when Tim Cook dies, you can be buried in his pyramid with him. Hey, Alex. Alex, you can bring all you want.

MerlinBring all your turbans and your cats. Come on in here. Did you know I like to smoke cigars?

MaxYou can be entombed alive in Tim Cook's mausoleum right next to Craig Federici.

Alexdig dug should we actually talk about our challenge challenge i think we're gonna have

Merlina lot to talk about this week this is a good one this week uh this week this week the challenge was my challenge and um as we mentioned in the um after show last week uh we have a um a google spreadsheet that i think max is either not aware of or doesn't have access to where i try to Jot down ideas.

Speaker AIs this a reel or is this a bit? What? The spreadsheet. What? Is it a bit?

MerlinIs it real? So, and I try to capture in there ideas that have come across. Sometimes it's things people have sent us on Reddit. Sometimes it's... Is it in here? Is this it?

AlexAh!

MerlinAh! What are you doing? No, get out of here. Get out of the... Oh my God, Max is in the dock.

Speaker BHe found it. He found it. He found it. Oh no, this is worse than Chernobyl. Oh no, no. What's he doing? He's putting in lower Mipsum text. Oh no! Oh no! Spencer Bledsoe. Spencer Bledsoe. Spencer Bledsoe. Spencer Bledsoe.

Speaker ASpencer Bledsoe. Say it three times. It's almost like praying. Is this the doc, though?

MerlinYeah.

Speaker AWell, no, this is the doc. Oh, no. I was so close to doing a really good exercise.

MerlinOh, no. What are you? Don't select all. Don't select all. What are you doing? I'm banning you. I'm banning you from the doc.

Speaker BOh, no.

MerlinStop moving.

Speaker AOh, God. Stop moving. Hold still so I can ban you. First you're going to find me.

Speaker BOh, he's triple clicking. He's triple clicking. Oh no Look I'm using Gesture based select You can never catch me I'm too efficient

Speaker AWith like keyboard shortcuts You can never catch me I'm using Emacs Behind seven proxies Look at that You want to see my name? Boom expanded Boom expanded Phone number

MaxBoom expanded

MerlinL-O-R-E-M Boom expanded L-O-R-E-M L-O-R-E-M 600 characters Of Laura Mipsum

MaxThat's not even shit. Look at this. I have one for Lauren Mipsum wrapped in HTML tags. Oh, I just got got. I got getting. Suck my nuts, Merlin. That's my patented text expander shortcut.

MerlinHa ha, ha ha. You can't fight my fireball. I am baseball cranny.

MaxLook it, I got this guy.

MerlinYeah, FLL. FLL. Flip, flip, flip, flip.

MaxFlip, flip, flip. Wait, shit. I might have changed it.

MerlinHmm.

MaxFuck.

MerlinI don't know if any of my... Oh, look at that. Will it work?

Speaker BOh, look, it does work.

Speaker AOh, no.

MerlinOh, no.

Speaker AIt does work. Oh, my God. I can't believe this works in a Google Doc.

Speaker BOh.

Speaker AAll right. Here. Here's a good one. Here's one I have. Look at that.

MerlinOh. Uh-oh. Oh. This is a very good Doc.

AlexThis is a very good Doc.

MerlinSo, anyway, we have a spreadsheet that's not the Doc, and you are banned from going to the spreadsheet. and so we looked back at some old ideas and I had noted to my co-host that there were some where I don't remember anything about how the idea came about because sometimes you write them down quickly you know that terrible thing where like you don't remember what you were thinking or what you're doing and anyway there was one that we came across it's been sitting in the spreadsheet for months now and that was the challenge for this week and the challenge this week was unconventional fancy

Alexmmhmm unconventional Would you stop?

MerlinAre you making like Korean emoji? What is this? Is this a makeup tutorial? What am I watching? What am I looking at here?

AlexSpencer Bledsoe. Spencer Bledsoe. I can make these little faces.

Speaker AThat's a pretty good one, right?

AlexSpencer Bledsoe.

Speaker AUnconventional fancy.

AlexUnconventional fancy. It's so early. It's 8.56 a.m.

MerlinI'm going to go to conventional fancy. Is this the show?

AlexUnconventional. I can't say.

MerlinSo he was originally in Brains, right? Wasn't he in Brains?

AlexHe was in Brains.

MerlinOkay. He was in Brains. I do remember that. Yeah. And he came back at some point. Yeah. Spencer Bledsoe.

AlexSpencer Bledsoe.

MerlinBoy, this doc's a mess now.

AlexAnd Jeff apologized. Jeff apologized.

MaxHe's a good survivor player.

AlexHe's very?

MaxI would love to have him on the Dubai Friday program.

AlexSpencer Bledsoe.

MaxSpencer Bledsoe. unconventional fancy what the fuck did that mean

Speaker Ayeah exactly

Merlinexactly I gotta roll this document back this is a goddamn mess I'm trying to the things that you've got as text expander shortcuts oh I made too many bloodsos oh no no no no I gotta get rid of it too many bloodsos too many bloodsos it takes a lot to make a survivor you know what I'm done I'm done I'm done with the episode let's Let's do a do-over. Do we get a do-over on this? I don't want to read anymore.

Harley Jarvis is the most aggressive baby I've ever met.

MaxDid you? Fuck you, Harley Jarvis.

MerlinFuck you, Harley Jarvis.

Speaker AI hope you die, Harley Jarvis. Merlin, how did you interpret unconventional fancy? What did this mean to you? Exactly, right? Okay, good talk.

MerlinI want you guys to go first. Okay. Okay, so you're bitten on the bit. The bit was, it was unconventional fancy, and if you'd given us your fucking money at givingsyourfuckingmoney.com, you'd know that it was just kind of a moment where we're like, I don't remember what this means, and the challenge was unconventional fancy. Unconventional fancy. Unconventional fancy. Spencer Bledsoe. Mm-hmm.

AlexMm-hmm. You know, I took it to mean you just do something a little bit fancier than you normally would do that's just off-brand, if you will. So right now, I am drinking a Red Bull that came out of the mini bar, mini fridge, whatever the thing.

MerlinWhoa, yeah, no. That's big.

AlexYeah, I think it's probably $12.

MerlinDid you check the card, Alex? What's that going to cost you? How much?

AlexNo, I didn't. Nope. Merlin, I didn't even think about it. I bet that's $10. I took it.

MaxAlex, it's pretty impressive that when we picked this challenge, you planned to do that the morning of the podcast in your hotel room. Oh, come on. In advance. That's pretty good.

AlexYou can ask Matchy because he was like, what the fuck is a challenge this week? And I'm like, I don't know, but I'm not going to sweat it because you know what? I'm going to use the, oh, I can prove it. I can prove it. I have many, there are witnesses and I took a photograph.

Oh God, I put the bait on this one, not this one.

MerlinNo, you did not. Already?

AlexWell, I don't, my iPad isn't for like my job, jobby job, but yeah, it's totally, don't install that.

MerlinOh, I heard, don't they have like a special admonition this time around where they're like no seriously seriously seriously don't do this yeah okay yeah there there have been many

Alexpeople are like oh seriously like seriously don't yeah seriously don't want i know we always say like

Merlini know we always say this but like really seriously these betas are like really you really don't want

Maxto beta these is what i heard oh don't they're saying do not put the betas on yet well they

Merlinalways say that but apparently yeah supposedly i think especially on ios there was like an extra paragraph of no no like you know we always say that thing but like this time like seriously don't

Alexyeah it's just not I mean that's the thing it feels like a real beta is how I've been

Merlinthat's how I self identify

Speaker Ashe's a real beta so Alex at the last minute grabbed a red bull

Alexout of her mini fridge hold on everybody calm down calm the fuck down whoa there sure is something in that super secret text channel

Speaker AI don't like looking at this, Max. Why'd you send us a snail? I don't like this. It's a snail eating a carrot.

AlexThis screenshot is from right now, but as you can see.

MerlinOh, no. The intimacy kit.

AlexSo I just wanted to make sure that I could get something.

MerlinYou should run Bartender. You need Bartender on this thing.

AlexThis is my work computer. I need it to work. uh and but the uh i i so i wanted to check that the this hotel did have one of the fancy very expensive things i didn't look how much like it cost no no no but as i went to look for the fridge with the little fancy drinks i found that there's also this little just drawer of fancy snacks and a box that says intimacy kit safe is sexy and i have a feeling i know what's in there you know

Merlinwhat i i i officially i officially as somebody you know i don't know you should open it and find out what's in it is it just a condom or is it going to be something cooler i you know what this is an

Alexunconditional fancy i'm gonna go do hold on it looks very 70s it looks like before you guys were

Merlinborn before you guys were born you could buy condoms out of a machine at a gas station and this has that aesthetic of like a gas station condom machine alex i'm calling bullshit i think

Maxyou took a picture of this mini fridge because you saw the intimacy kit and you thought it was funny and you just put it in your in your thing and now we accused you of doing exactly what you did which is thinking at the last second of like oh i forgot to do the challenge i'm just gonna grab a red bull out of here and then you're like how can i prove that i looked at this mini fridge before and you're Like, oh, I took the humorous photo of the intimacy kit earlier.

AlexOkay, hold. I heard Max screaming from the side of the room.

MerlinMax, look at the metadata. Look at the metadata, Max.

AlexLook at the metadata.

Speaker ABut that has nothing to do with what I just said. It sure does. I agree. No, it doesn't. She took this photo three days ago.

MaxTwo and a half days ago. Because she thought, but not because she was planning to drink the Red Bull. Because she thought the intimacy kit was funny, which it is.

AlexYeah, it's a, which I've also now, I think, officially purchased the intimacy. oh no it's not just the intimacy kit oh oh real time update holy shit hold on hold on okay oh my god this is so stupid we're all enjoying this

Speaker Adoes it have does it have does it have fantasy components is it like an eye patch or something chippendales dancer just burst out of that intimacy kit other goggles to get goggles is there a miner's hat in there with the light on it oh no oh no the love box the love box and

Alexit's best by the it expires at night september 30th 2020 never forget good all right so in here we've got some life so just to be clear you showed us there was the end of the

Merlinbox and this is the front of the box.

AlexYes, yes. This was the top of the box and it was obscured by that jar of nuts. Looks like cashews.

MaxOkay, so Alex forgot about the challenge and just scrambled and pulled something on the fridge at a random randomly. Like a dog with a bone. Alright, we all know what happened. I took it very literally, which meant not only did you have to do something fancy, but it had to be an unconventional fancy. It has to be unconventional. so um veronica and i uh got a little bit dressed up and we went to a magic show and we we hung out

Alexwith some magicians at the chicago magic lounge see that's not unconventional for you though

Speaker Ait's objectively unconventional going to a magic show it's oh my god it's

Merlinthat's like me that's like me putting on a tux to do a podcast like

Speaker Aunconventional fancy unconventional fancy spencer bledsoe

Merlinwhat's doc's a mess what's in the box what's in the box what's in the love box

Alexyeah i mean well oh my god i gotta send you another photograph because i am pleasantly surprised but also confused dental dam

Maxalex maybe there's um if you if you had some sort of um mission involving your uh your partner your spouse.

AlexOh, and in 24 hours... It's full of lottery tickets?

MerlinWait, are those lottery tickets?

AlexSo, I... Oh, no. Oh, God, no.

Speaker AI had to turn sideways. Wait, why is there lottery tickets?

AlexOh, no. Now I know what it is. No, okay, so, this lottery, supposed lottery ticket says Wild Cherry.

MerlinLiquid Love, it's set in Mistral. Test your luck. fonts. Liquid love. We'll set this in mistral.

Speaker APeople will think it's about surfing. This is so, so bad. What are you supposed to do with the mint? How does that play into sex? You jam it up.

MaxYou put it up your jammer. You put it up there. Is that for people who open the intimacy kit because they think it might be more candy and they're confused? Why isn't there more candy in here?

Speaker BI'm still disappointed, but not as disappointed as I could be.

MaxExcuse me, is this the front desk? I'm calling in regards to the intimacy kit. I opened it comedically for my podcast, and I was disappointed to learn that there was no confectionery or sweet treats enclosed within.

Speaker BWhat if this is actually...

MaxWhat is the refund policy on the mini-buy intimacy kit? Because I was told it might be candies, and when I opened it up, I was surprised to learn that there was no candies in there.

Speaker BIt's entirely intact except for the mints.

MerlinNo, but what if this is for an extremely specific sexual fetish?

MaxThat's what I think, because maybe you're supposed to be doing something with mints.

MerlinYou like jamming mints up your jammer and then coming on lottery tickets.

AlexWait, wait, do you really not know what these lottery tickets are?

MerlinNo.

AlexYou took the photo sideways, Alex. I can't see. Okay, so the lottery tickets, if you'll read, test your luck. Scratch the entire game area. Find three matching symbols straight across to win. Check the back of the card to see what you've won. Can you guess what the back of the card contains?

Speaker ALegal fine print? Oh, is it like do it on the floor? That kind of thing?

AlexThere is a prize legend on the back. A lemon is a sensual massage An anchor Is a blowjob A bell is sex, sex, sex That's so funny A cherry is wild cherry bonus And who the fuck What? I don't know I don't know what that is

MerlinBlue raspberry liquid love Set in mistral

AlexOh I didn't see Oh my god

MaxIt's flavor lube When I was in Alex Do you remember having to do the ISAT and the IGAP and all those Illinois achievement tests in school?

AlexOh, yes.

MaxSo for decades, Illinois State ran a memory test where basically starting in first grade, the teacher would stand up. This was a standardized test provided by the state. So you have one of those little books with a pencil where you'd fill in the circles. And the teacher would read a list of definitions. And then you'd have a test on how many of them you could remember. And so the teacher would go, a LEP is a ball. A LEP is a ball. A corf is a tiger. A corf is a tiger. Do you remember these?

Speaker BMm-hmm. They're very simple.

MaxIs this like one is a bun, two is a shoe? A pillet is a shoe. A pillet is a shoe. A tay is a hammer. A tay is a hammer. Do you remember any of these, Alex? Are these mnemonics? Are they mnemonics? No, no. They're random.

AlexA foot is a shoe. A tay is a hammer. They're just testing gibberish. It's just to test your memory.

MerlinI feel like I've had some kind of an embolism.

Speaker AWhat?

AlexExactly. Exactly.

Speaker AIt was a standardized test that was done for decades every year. Oh, just pure memorizing.

MaxYes, just random words. Can you remember what it is? Do you remember a flicks, Alex? Flicks?

AlexNo.

MaxA flicks is a comb. A flicks is a comb. I guess it worked.

AlexNo, they were different.

MaxA hillet is a window. A hillet is a window. A trink is a wastebasket.

AlexNo, they changed it every year.

MaxNo, I'm quite sure of this. The test was that every year it was the same, and they wanted to see how much you learned over your five years in elementary school or something like that.

AlexThen this is definitely different. I remember I'm 13 years old.

MaxAnyway, it's a real, it was a thing. I had to do it.

AlexI know what you're talking about.

MaxI had to do it every year as part of the like, I sat test or whatever. But anyway, that little thing on the back of your, this is all around about way of, it would be very funny if that was, if the little thing on the back of your card was read like that. a lemon is a blowjob a lemon

Alexyou know what yes it would have been really funny if I had done that quit making it sound like I did

Maxyou know what I'm talking about what was another one tell me another one

Alexno I the things that we did I said things like did you do the ones also

Maxsend me a picture of the back you're not doing my bit send me a picture on the back of the lottery card

Alexoh my god Oh my god Unconventional fancy Spencer Blitzo

MerlinWinning location Liquid love Fresh ends Are you supposed to eat that?

AlexIt seems to be edible lube

MerlinEverything's edible if you're hungry enough

AlexExactly

MerlinI can't finish if I don't need a lottery ticket Unscratched

Speaker AThank you An anchor is a blowjob A bell is sex, sex, sex One is a bun. Two is a shoe. Oh, yeah. Okay. A cherry is a wild cherry bonus. What? What? So lemon... Exactly.

MerlinEssential massage is a lemon party? Blood job is an anchor. One is a bun. Two is a shoe. Bella's a sex, sex, sex. Bella's a sex, sex, sex. Wild cherry bonus. Sex, sex, sex.

AlexWhat? Sensor blood soap.

MerlinLemon party. Lemon party. Lemon party. Wait a minute.

MaxLet's go. almonds water at the uh so when veronica went to the magic lounge there was this 22 year old kid in the close-up gallery called daniel roy he's in college i think he was studying maybe like molecular biology or something like that and he did a gambling demonstration um did you guys watch

Merlinthat movie dealt about richard turner the card guy no oh i yeah no he's the guy well you don't spoil it but it's it's a it's a but but he's got he's really good at magic and you're going to be surprised when you find out stuff about him.

MaxUm, it was, it's an, I believe, yeah.

AlexIt's not a spoiler. Isn't it?

MaxWatch, watch Delt. It's a documentary about, anyway, he does a gambling demonstration, so he shows ways to cheat at cards and he, this was one of the best live magic acts I have ever seen in my entire life. It was like a 22-year-old kid. I'd never heard of him before. Wow. I just sent you his YouTube channel and I have not watched these videos, so I don't know if they're if they're very good, but, but certainly explore it. He's amazing. He'll be very famous someday. Unconventional fancy. That was my unconventional. And then I invited him to hang out, and he came over to the cards office, and we hung out, and he showed me card tricks in the writer's room. So that was my unconventional fancy. Well done.

AlexOh, my God. I think we've cracked it. He looks like Spencer Bledsoe, but brunette.

Speaker AI think he looks like Jonathan Axios. Doesn't he? Merlin, you have to tell us what you did for unconventional fancy. Do I? Mm-hmm. I thought about it a lot.

MerlinI had some bullets. I got some bullets here in NBLT. So here's my process. a very fancy version of something mundane, or an unconventional version of something fancy. That's the notes that I made. I thought about making a crazy mustache because I shaved off my facial hair.

But I ended up getting a bamboo mat from Amazon Prime. It's got a bamboo mat.

AlexBut which one of those is it?

MerlinWhat's that?

AlexI know it's unconventional fancy. Yeah, unconventional fancy. It's unconventional fancy. Yeah. But isn't this something you would conventionally buy? Is it just super fancy?

MerlinI would never treat myself to a bamboo mat. I mean, you know, it rolls up and stuff. It's got like a, yeah.

MaxI've been advertised these bamboo mats, and I've been very intrigued by them because I think they look really nice. And my hesitation, and why I haven't bought one, is I feel like after you get out of the shower, they wouldn't be very good to stand on.

MerlinOh, you're talking about one of those kinds. They say specifically not to use this in a shower.

Speaker AYou stand on it in the Japanese style? Not in a shower. Okay. After the shower.

MaxOkay.

Speaker ALike, you put it, you know, by your sink, right? Like, is that where you put it? But I just feel like it wouldn't feel good. I feel like it wouldn't feel good on your feet. I put it in front of the toilet.

MerlinI thought, why don't I treat myself to a mat to stand? I put it on, because, yeah, it's got like a rubber backing, and then, you know, you feel like a king when you get to stand on a bamboo mat to micturate. You know what I mean?

AlexOh, my God.

MerlinA little bit unconventional, a little bit fancy.

Speaker AI will eventually have to clean it because splatter. I'd be spoke to Turlet Matt. That is pretty fancy. It's not something I normally buy for myself.

MaxAnd, you know, I think we should probably talk to Dr. Don about this, but I think you could have a whole Survivor spread on there. The egg salad, the mayo, the sandwich.

Speaker BCome on in, guys.

Show notes

Transcript

135. Spencer Bledsoe

Show notes

Transcript

0:00

0:19

0:28

0:30

0:34

0:37

0:51

0:59

1:02

1:07

1:08

1:19

1:21

1:29

1:32

1:33

1:45

1:46

2:01

2:02

2:17

2:49

2:51

3:12

3:15

3:16

3:38

3:56

3:57

4:02

4:16

4:17

4:29

4:33

4:34

4:47

5:10

5:35

5:38

5:41

5:48

6:20

6:22

6:25

6:28

6:35

6:52

7:01

7:11

7:19

7:31

7:32

7:38

7:40

7:42

7:44

7:45

7:55

8:09

8:12

8:27

8:30

8:36

8:37

8:37

8:39

8:41

8:43

8:48

9:06

9:37

10:07

10:08

10:12

10:17

10:22

10:23