136. Pink Keyholes

AlexThis is Do By Friday, a weekly challenge podcast with Merlin Mann, Alex Cox, and Max Tempo. This week's challenge, pitch a Shark Tank product.

Hey Merlin, did you hear there's going to be no National Pokedex in Pokemon Sword and Shields being released November 15th?

MerlinNone?

AlexNone. None. None. None. I know.

MerlinNone?

AlexNone.

MerlinLike the bread?

AlexAll right. How are you today, Merlin? Max is here also. Max is also here.

MerlinHow will you be able to tell them apart if you don't have an index?

AlexExactly. Exactly. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

MerlinGoogle Sheets. Google Sheets. Google Sheets. Is there a way to know if, when, or whether you have, as they say, caught them all?

AlexWell, there's basically an IAP now. You got to buy Pokemon Home, which is a counterpart to Pokemon Sleep and Pokemon Go. And all of them live in their home. This is not a bit. This is an actual thing.

MerlinThat is a slap in the face of this rich tradition we have of collecting evolving fake cartoon animals.

MaxWhat a shame. What a shame for the children. Once you get Pokemon Home, I have to imagine that's some sort of Ghostbusters style vault that you have in your house that contains the Pokemon. And they get so fucking mad. And they're going to be enraged. and what's gonna happen is one day the power's gonna go out and then you're gonna have to have the exterminator come over. He's gonna be shining his flashlight under the couch and he goes, I see your problem. Let me tell you, I see the problem right here. There's your problem right there. Your house is teeming with Pokemon.

AlexLook at these pocketable monsters everywhere.

MaxYou've got Pokemon home.

Speaker APika, Pika, bitch.

MaxI have a grievance that I'd like to bring to the attention of the podcast. Please do. So the last three, three times Veronica and I have gone out of town, Matchy has cat sit for us, and he's taken such good care of Captain Janeway. She loves him. He's always on time. It's escalated to this. It's escalated to this. It's actually the best cat sitter. And also, it's so responsible that Veronica, you know, Veronica and I, we're very particular about our cat.

We think about her a lot. You know, we've got a Pokemon home, but for the cat. And we always feel very good with Matchy watching the cat. And I have offered, you know, the first time I texted Matchy and I was like, could you cat sit for it? Because let me also say, Matchy does this professionally. It's part of their job is that they do.

MerlinDoesn't Matchy have that as like a special D&D ability, like a way to soothe animals? Isn't that part of his profile?

AlexBasically, he watches broken cats and dogs.

MerlinOh, no.

MaxI got a candidate for him right here. So I texted Matchy, and I said, we're going out of town. You know, we have other people that we cats at, but, like, they bailed or something happened. I can't remember, and it wouldn't work out. And so we texted Matchy. I was like, can I hire you, hire, to watch my cat? And now what does that mean? It means, okay, first of all, I would like you to do it. Would you do it? second of all i would say that that means for money if the word hire is in there i'm saying up front the deal is i'll give you some money for this so matchy came for like over a week

watched the cat the cat was so happy when we came back and everything was great and then i texted matches like hey just a reminder invoice me for that cat setting never happened then we had to go out of town again several months later invoice me

MerlinI just like the idea of a personal relationship where you request invoice. Well, isn't it? How else are you supposed to do it?

AlexI'm like, tell me how much to pay you. I agree.

MerlinNo, you're absolutely right.

AlexAnd I remember the reason this being weird the first time is Veronica just asked him first and like, hey, can you watch the cat? And of course, he was like, oh, yeah, totally. This is easy. It's a normal cat.

MaxI don't think this happened. But anyway, then we went out of town again. A long, long time ago. Then we went out of time again. And I said, Matthew, we're going out of town again for like another week.

Speaker AAnd I would like to remind you.

MaxOh, now you're in arrears. Yes. And I was like, listen, please, could you invoice us for the last time we cat set? And also, could you give me a quote so that I can pay you to cat set again for another week? $1,000 a day. As part of your career. I would pay it. As part of your job. Oh, God. As part of your career and your job that you do, would you also watch my cat? And he was like, yes, I'll do it. And then afterwards, I was like, please. He's gaslighting you. And then I was like, please invoice me. And then Matt, she was like, no, I really love spending time with your cat. I don't want to do it.

And then it was just.

MerlinOh, this is a long con, Max. This is a big grift.

MaxAnd then we were out of town just last weekend. And I know it was just one day, but you guys just got back from WWDC. And I texted Matt again. I was like, hey, I know you're just back from Dub Dub, but could you watch the cat again? And he was like, yes, did a great job. Everything was great. And I was like, please let me pay you. Please.

Speaker ALet me tell you.

MaxWhat? Alex. Please. Please. It's a valuable service done professionally.

AlexCall Maddie Cox iPhone.

Speaker AWhat's he doing? What?

AlexI have no idea. Oh, no.

MerlinNo, no, please don't.

AlexHe's appeared a number of times on the show for this very, not this very reason. Hello? Hey, you're on Dubai Friday. Are you in your lift? Yeah. Oh, okay. Max is here and we're literally talking to thousands of people right now. So if you don't want to get a ton of tweets, literally dozens of tweets, please invoice him.

MaxOkay. Please. I demand to pay you for cat sitting.

AlexPlease.

MaxPlease let me pay you.

AlexPlease. So then I know eventually that you're going to kill the cat and then we're going to be sued into oblivion. But for now.

MerlinNot if there's not a business relationship.

AlexExactly. All right. Enjoy. Enjoy work. Please let me pay you. Please. please all right who's the power pig now all right stop stop gaslighting this man please let me pay you i'm shocked you haven't hung up yet uh all right do you need anything before work or are you good to go well what is this we're in the middle of a show come on man

Maxokay all right love you bye oh i know gross gross um all right listen please all right here's the other option if i can't pay uh maddie what can i get him as a present that would be in the in the i mean listen at this i i actually don't know what it costs to hire maddie for cat sitting but i'm gonna say at this point we're a thousand we're sorry we're like at least a couple hundred dollars

Merlininto it probably i don't know listen max you went you went to law school in a strip mall you know how this works just because just because you choose to offer uh a proffer a proffer a proffer of a gift unilaterally may not absolve you of the business necessity of the invoiced amount. If it exists, which it doesn't.

MaxI would say that could be a quid pro quo or a patent. I'm not sure. I don't remember. It could be quid pro quo.

MerlinSo what kind of present? What are we talking about?

MaxYeah, I think we're, Alex, what do you think we're into? Because it's over.

MerlinAre we talking about an edible arrangement or like a clean vehicle? What are we talking about? Maybe an arrangement of edibles.

AlexI mean, we're never going to deny edibles.

MaxThe only problem is, guess how the only way I know how to buy weed anymore is.

AlexOkay, we're moving on. We're moving on. Anyway, the thing is, I truly don't know, because all of the cats and dogs that he takes care of are truly broken. Like Maria's cat that needs a wheelchair, it's like that. It's that level of brokenness. Your cats are normal.

MerlinIs it like a human wheelchair? Is it like a tiny little human wheelchair?

AlexHe just sits in a little wheelchair.

MerlinAre you talking about like a little cart?

AlexLike a leg cart? There's literally a little.

MerlinSee, now if it was a little tiny, like a Bran Stark wheelchair, that would be so cute.

AlexI swear to God, that is an actual thing.

MerlinBut that's not how money works.

AlexI know that's not how money works. It's uncharted territory because literally I have no idea how much one would pay. Okay, but so how much?

MaxAt this point, we're well over two weeks. I'm in the hole.

AlexThis is not my business transaction.

MerlinOh, not my circus, not my monkeys is what you're saying.

AlexAlthough now I'm wondering if he's doing a long con.

MerlinBut you know Maddie better than me.

AlexNot in business? We don't have any business transactions. That would be. Well, one of you.

MerlinAlex has never said invoice me. One of you is a wife, so who owns him? I don't know.

AlexOh.

Speaker AHow do you know which one of you is allowed to sit in the bathroom?

AlexWait, which one's the man now?

Speaker AI need some sort of flow chart here.

AlexYou know, I've got to say. Who gets the dowry?

Speaker AWhich one's mad about the remote?

AlexWho gets the spot on the couch? Who gets to put their phone there? Who's the daddy? The good spot. Yeah.

MerlinWell, Father's Day is coming up. Who gets a card? Who gets a card?

AlexWho gets a card? That's the problem is we both get. Oh, this is another thing.

MerlinAre you the daddy? No, I thought we decided yesterday. I asked if I could call you mommy, and you agreed that I could call you mommy. So are you switching this up on me?

AlexDon't be parent-normative. You can be, you can, see, I believe a mommy and a daddy serve very different purposes.

MaxI know we're doing one of our hilarious homophobic bits right now. No!

AlexNo, no, no, Max, this is transphobic.

MaxOh, I'm sorry. Yeah, come on. Thank you. But in all seriousness, please, I want to get some, why is this bothering you? it's driving me crazy because if i feel i feel awful like maddie does such a good job and he's so responsible and i just want to pay him for doing the thing that he does for it would be like if someone asked me to design a game for them for money and then refuse to like let like pay me like it's weird it's it's like their job i feel terrible the okay here's here's an

Alexhere's a sort of it's like if someone asked you to play test a game versus design a game I also would probably charge him for that. That's actually true.

MaxNo, I mean, it's all a bad example.

AlexIt's all bad.

MaxCan I get them a present?

MerlinAlex, you don't get rich in life by refusing money. You know what I'm saying? Yes.

MaxWhat's something that Maddie would really like that's in the hundreds of dollars range? To be left alone? Other than that. Other than that.

AlexHow expensive is the cat robot?

MaxThe Pooh Sphere?

AlexThat's a great idea. I'm going to get you guys a Pooh Sphere. Honestly, that seems about...

MerlinThat's a four-figure. That's a four-figure, isn't it? I looked at it once.

Speaker ANo, no, not no.

AlexI don't care what it costs. The normal ones have gone down, I think. It's just money. I don't care. See, and I think that's the other thing. We have many socialist friends who watch our cats, and we always barter with them because they won't take our money. And it's like, I actually understand where Max is coming from. Like, please, I grew up this way. How do I give you money? Just let me give it to you.

MaxHow do they buy their socialist bread if they don't have money? Yeah, but here's the thing is Maddie does this. It's not just a favor because Maddie does this as part of his job. And the opportunity cost of watching Janeway is that Maddie doesn't have another client that's paying them. Does that make sense? Do you know what I mean?

AlexYes, I do understand capitalism, unfortunately.

MerlinI think it's more that you realize that you are unintentionally in debt and you don't know how much

Alexand you don't know how to fix it. It's a Midwest type thing.

MerlinNo, certainly. You absolutely have a personal sense of justice. We see that all the time. But I'm saying that Max is sitting there because here would be me. Like, I know I'm in debt, but I don't know how much and I don't know how to fix it. It's a living nightmare.

AlexOne day, Maddie's just going to come knocking on the Temkin door and be like, hello, hello, excuse me.

MaxIf she's tapping her shotgun against the door. Time to invoice.

Speaker ATap, tap.

MaxNo, no, listen. If someone asked me to do something in the realm of my professional. That's what they did to my boy. If someone asked me to do something for them in the realm of my professional responsibilities that I do for money to make a living. And they asked me to do it for free. And they were a friend and I liked their thing or whatever. I might say yes, but I'm fucking gritting my teeth and I'm looking at the clock and I'm going, how much am I in this for? That's true. And it's like a one time. And then if they don't ever thank me or offer to whatever, make it right, I'm carrying that.

You have no idea how long I'll be mad about that. Decades. Oh, yeah. And I'll be thinking about what the fuck that person had me make their website and they didn't even thank me. And they just came to me with problems and I updated and it doesn't work anymore. And it's like I'm still mad at people who ask me to make their website for free.

AlexI hope they don't listen.

MerlinLet me ask you this. Let me ask you this. You go out to dinner. And this came up on a bim bam question I heard recently, an old one. But, you know, there are those situations where I think the question on the Bim Bam was like you're with your like I think it was with his like his girlfriend's family invites him out to dinner. And he wasn't sure like because you know how it is. You have times in life where you just don't have any dough. And it's like I've been to dinner where somebody decides to order wine and it like wrecks me for the week. Right. Those you're like, you know, that feeling.

Right. You know, that feeling of like, oh, I really can't. it's so easy for this to be something I can't afford at all. And even if I can barely afford it, this is not how I would spend the money. Let me ask you this. If a party involved in a dining out experience has the intention of paying for probably all of the meal, at what point is it ethical? At what point is it moral for that person to announce their intent to pay for all of the diners?

MaxOh, what a good question.

AlexOkay.

MerlinOkay, because this is so – I mean people don't do Dutch as much as – like you used to. Like we split it up six different ways. It's the worst. No, but like if you're going to do it, are you going to pay for everybody? Are you going to pay for some? Are you going to pay for the poor college students? And is it your obligation from an ethical standpoint to say it before you order?

MaxWhen you sit down, when do you say it? I have this problem. I have this problem in my life all the time because I have a lot of broke-ass friends. I got really lucky, and I had this card game that was successful, and I can afford to go out to eat and take my friends out. And I have a lot of broke-ass friends who can't really afford to go out to eat. And so I often – and I love sitting in restaurants and talking to people forever. And not like Alinea, just like a normal-ass diner or whatever. But it's still like I always will pick up the check. And I always had that fantasy, even when I was broke and I was in college. And I always had that thing in the back of my head of, man, if I ever make a ton of money, I'm going to fucking love picking up the check at the diner.

and you'd be like, you know what? Everyone's pancakes, I'm buying them. You know what? I always thought that was like, I had a few people would do that for me sometimes and I would go, that's the coolest. And not to seem fancy, but just because it's such a nice thing to do. No, and so I was out in college one time with, I wish I remember who, someone who had some money or something. I don't remember. And they did this move where they had somehow called ahead or gotten up from the table and gave their card to the waiter and said, you know what? Don't bring the bill. Just charge me and I'll get it from you later.

And that way no one knows what's happening. And I was sitting there having dinner and I was doing that thing where I was looking at the drinks everyone was ordering and I was sweating and I was like, ooh, how much cash do I have? And did I overdraft my account? And that real panicky. Absolutely.

Merlin100%. I could feel it right this second.

MaxHow humiliating is this going to be for me? And then there was that moment of we were done and someone was like, okay, well, we can't leave. We didn't get the check. And then the guy was like, you know what? I already took care of it, guys. everyone have a great night and I was like the relief I felt with like god damn that's like the coolest thing in the world okay so you

Merlindo it but you're a withholder until

Alexthe time that a check arrives that guy pulled a power move a little bit he knew that you everyone there was broke and what was your college kids there I don't remember

MaxI wish I remembered the whole circumstance

Merlinwas you worried they do you worry they're gonna order lobsters or something because my my move would be to just quietly say, Hey, you know what? Um, I would love it if you'd let me take care of, uh, tonight. You say, that's it. We're done. Now everybody order. Cause, cause then you're like, Oh, like do I,

Maxdoesn't that in a way, is that too, is that too,

Merlintoo potlatch?

MaxOkay. My, my fear is that that in a way that, that colors the meal.

MerlinYeah, no, I know. Well, and it's like, it gets rid of all the mystery. It gets rid of the mystery.

MaxYou know, in the way that I feel like when I see matchy now, I'm like, feel weird because I'm like I owe you something you know I feel I don't know what I don't know

MerlinI owe you something but I don't know what and it's killing me but I feel guilty I feel guilty

Maxit's weird I feel like I feel weird it's on it's on my mind so so okay if and if you go and if I'm like hey I'm taking everyone out for dinner that conversation is gonna be a little weird because everyone knows I'm paying for it and I don't want it to be weird oh yeah sure I don't want to

Merlinestablish a power now they have to watch your magic effects here's why you are again you know

Alexon top of, well, I'm going to call out Max's privilege here. Thank you. You're welcome. You're welcome. At least when you go out to dinner with a group of people that's like all the broke-ass game developers, I don't think anybody, well, actually, I've seen people assume, and it was weird. But all the interns are like, hey, how are we going to split this? And Max is like, everyone calm down. So I can understand that move. And like everybody knows dad is going to either pay or not be or say like, hey, these are great.

They're cheap.

MerlinI'm not going to pick up anybody by their lapels and shake them till coins fall out.

AlexRight, right. But I can understand in a like.

MerlinOh, we'll pay for your club sandwich.

AlexLike, well, exactly. What do you do in a situation? Like, I also don't have this problem.

MerlinThis is giving me hives. Just hearing this is fucking giving me hives.

AlexRight, right. Like all of my like there's I think there's also this understanding amongst millennials also like who doesn't have a job, who is currently working on a freelance thing. And it's almost like a before dinner. It's like, hey, is this place? There's way less shame in saying, is this place too expensive for like everybody to go? Do you think we should go someplace more low key? Like there's way less shame associated.

MaxI have I have a lot of friends who if I invite them, you know.

AlexWell, and that's the thing with you, though. what about when it's all the fancy boys like who picks up the check the cards the cards guys no

Maxno like uh we can come back to that because they squabble over it like like little boys yeah they go oh i didn't eat any of the cheese plate oh fuck you yeah we used to we used to go out to lunch at

Merlinmy office in tallahassee we used to go out to lunch and and on many more than one occasion i i was like look we got to get back to work and they'd be like oh which one had the aftermarket cheese on the fries and I only had a Coke.

Speaker AAnd I would go, I would go, oh boy.

MerlinI would just grab the check and I would go, leave the fucking restaurant now. And I will cover the tip because everybody knows, you know, everybody does a thing where you throw in a buck or two at the end and Brent, fucking Brent, who was a PhD, would go last, leave the table last and peel a buck or two off of the pile, the fucking PhD would do that. And I would say everyone leave. Get in your vehicles. Get in your vehicles with your fucking gun, Bruce.

Get back to the goddamned office. I will once again cover the cost of this meal because your squabbling is killing me. No one cares about your chicken breast, Brent. You fucking cock. It's the worst. it's the worst. Now, here's the other thing. I don't know if we'll ever do a challenge where we get to pitch a business idea. But there should be, as I have... That's my origin story.

It started at a barbecue place on Thomasville Road.

Speaker AI can picture it.

MaxIt's like the lights start flicking. Merlin puts his palms down on the table like a real power pose.

MerlinStep away from the table. Oh, Brent. He's going dark Merlin.

I've always said that we need more. Like, we don't know how to talk to each other anymore. We don't know how to stand in lines. Something, something, opinion piece. But here's the thing. Don't we all agree that there should be a mutually understandable way to signal to a person driving a car on your behalf? There should be a way to signal, as the consumer, you could say a hand signal, just a code word, to say it would be fine with me if we minimized talk.

What? Don't feel like you need to talk to entertain me. And you could kind of have this cool thing, like a Yale handshake. It would let both of you know it's okay if we don't talk. That is very necessary, I think. Now, maybe we need something similar when you go out to lunch. Hopefully not with Brent. But there should be a way to signal, I got this. Maybe some kind of Jedi mind move. But is it Max's concern that then that sullies the conversation at the diner when you do the hand gesture?

MaxWell, I'll say the bigger – okay, here's the bigger thing to me is – the thing to consider is I love going out to – especially – I fucking love sitting at a diner. You get those big, thick coffee mugs and you just sit and talk with someone for like two hours. Those are honestly some of the best memories of my life and some of the best ideas and the most fun conversations. I live for that. And I have a whole lot of friends who if I'm like, hey, let's go to the diner and sit and talk. That's non-trivial for them to order dinner, right?

They were planning. That was their night that they needed to stay home and cook for budget reasons. And what are we talking about? We're each going to order $20 of food? I mean, maybe we go crazy and we each order $40. I mean, the value of that conversation is if I were to pay for that whole tab, it's so much more than $100, than $80.

Also, you don't spend that much at a diner. I'm just trying to make the point.

MerlinEven if you've got pancakes for the table, the entire thing, like you say, the value of the interaction, the environment, the conviviality of getting to have just – it sounds stupid. As you get older, you start to realize the value of just being with a little group of people for a little while. And that sticks with you so much longer than like, you know, five episodes of TV.

MaxIt's really it's really nice. When we got the when we ate the Zeppelin of steak with with with Todd. That was a wonderful. That was so much. That was a lot of fun. I think you paid for that, didn't you? I don't remember. I'd had some drinks. I gave I called I called ahead and gave them my card.

MerlinOh, you're so.

MaxAnd I said, don't bring that. Don't bring the check to the table because I didn't want to fight about it.

AlexOh, my God. Oh, my God.

MerlinWell, my greatest effect was after you left. I took a few dollars off the table. but i just the whole thing my chicken breast was rather dry

Maxthe whole thing of like it's it is it's a weird it's a weird power and emotional thing because it's just it's very fraught and and it's weird because like i know they're sweating like well what if i get you know twenty dollars of food or whatever and i'm like i don't give care like what am i going to go to my i'm going to go to my my grave and i'm going to be mad that i've spent $20 to have a great conversation with my friend for hours? Are you crazy? We got...

MerlinAt a time when my then girlfriend, my now wife, and I could scarcely afford it. I mean, literally scarcely not afford it. We were both in a situation where we did not have a lot of extra cash. We ended up getting a four-quadrant cock-up where it was like the other person chose the place. Very fancy. The other person dropped in some wine that's over $100 a bottle. The whole thing just went so wrong.

And the entire time we were just sitting there just sphincters locked, hoping that we were going to be able to get out of this thing alive with our dignity. It's the worst feeling. Because you can't go like, oh, don't you think maybe we could just have sparkling water? Oh my God, you just ordered another bottle of wine? Do you realize what this is doing to me? It's the worst feeling.

AlexI hate it honestly at this point in my life I usually don't go out to dinner to places unless I know that I could buy everyone dinner because it could you know what the and in fact that's good and the other thing too is there was a place like uh we went with some friends to like a number of dinners over the course of the night and I'm like where it was like understood like don't worry this is how like these restaurants split the check this these ways and i'm like guys do not

stress out i would like to pay my share equally even though it's going to look like i'm having plain food but it's just the same amount of like care and preparation it's so weird that you have

Speaker Ato say that but you're right at this michelin star yeah i was like no one and and then however

Alexthey still did it but i was like like please no one stress about this like i'm going to be drinking like you guys, it's still prepared. I'm going to be eating the bread. The experience is it.

MaxIt may look like I'm hooked up to a nutrient sack just absorbing my proteins and my macros through the bag.

MerlinI will insert these nutrients into my cloaca and exude a milk-like substance like all

Maxmonotremes. But please, everyone, please understand that the value of the experience is worth. It's all I care about.

AlexWell, honestly, it's easier now.

MerlinEnjoy taking all those lives while I eat bread.

AlexWell, okay, okay. Let's get to another level. Please. Don't mind me.

MaxI'll be over here just taking my Ketrasol White.

AlexAre you making fun of my energy tablets that I'm having right now in my water? I can't tell.

MerlinOh, how's it working?

AlexOh, we got to. Well, this is. Hold on. This is a genuine question that I think I figured out. Your pupils are dilated. What's happening over there?

MerlinShe's going dark out. She's going Dark Alex.

AlexI mean, really, that's a problematic phrase. But what happens... Oh, sorry.

MerlinWe don't say that anymore. You're in a good mood today. I like this.

MaxWait a minute.

Speaker AIs there a sports drink?

MaxThere should be some sort of sport drink called Ketrusel White. I can't believe no one has done this before. There's three people listening to the podcast who think that this is very funny.

Speaker AI have no idea what this is.

MaxKetrusel White. Is it copyright?

AlexDid they trademark it? Oh, okay. I see what you're saying.

MaxWhat if you could get some sort of like one of those like, you know, Gatorades at the gym and you're like, yeah, hang on. I got to get a Ketris all white. I got to slam this thing.

AlexAgain, this is like me making a Pokemon joke. What happens when you're going out to dinner with your in-laws? That's very funny. And you, the space jokes.

MerlinI just gave you a pity bell.

AlexA pity bell. Oh, the pity bell.

MerlinLittle pity bell. Let's have a tiny one here for little jokes.

AlexI've gotten a number of pity bells in my day. It's so little.

Speaker AIt's so little. It makes sense there's a little bit of pity. There's no shame. Little pity bell.

MerlinCatch yourself white.

AlexWhatever that means.

MerlinIt's funny. So, in-laws.

AlexIn-laws. What happens when you want to, like, okay, my family grew up middle class, and it was very much like everybody splits a check unless it, or like all the families split the check unless it is the father of somebody because everyone was in the same social class the like the families were middle class and the grandparents were all like upper middle class and it was i don't know how it happened it was just kind of understood

Merlinand there was i think i know i i don't want to interrupt you but i i totally know what you're saying and i think you're right in fact it is that we call it going dutch i don't know if that's racist, but when you know, there's never any question about whether you'll split the bill. And it is actually necessary. It's almost like a little bit like Middle Eastern or something. There's a necessary amount of haggling to be sure that it is exactly right. So it's like my friend Michael Ferguson used to say when we lived together in college, he said, if you talk about the money once, you never have to talk about it again. And if you don't talk about the money,

you will unintentionally be talking about it for the rest of your life. It's that kind of like clarity in relationship. The siblings at this level always interact this way. Now, if Big Pork is in attendance, like at the end with the throne and whatnot, then in that case there's a good chance the bill will be picked up.

AlexYeah, you know I'm getting an extra chicken breast when Big Pork is there. Like, it's no question. But my...

MerlinBig Pork said in their regards.

Alexbut like okay so so i mean there is the obvious like performative uh haggling amongst the dads before grandpa like the the mini porks are like oh i want to pick it up i want to pick it up but Big Pork is like, he's called ahead. He's like slipped the waitress like money to basically be like, no, really, they're going to fight you.

Just run this card. But if you know you're, and this is coming from, I feel like a really dick place. Like, you know that your in-laws are from like a much lower middle class. And you really just want to take them out to dinner. Not even like, like they, okay, TGI Fridays. one of their favorite restaurants don't at me their vodka slushies are great there's no there's

Merlinno accounting there's no accounting for taste the heart wants what it wants nobody has accepted it

Alexmore than they have exactly exactly and you just you just want to like be like please it's it's like their once a month thing like let me spend the like fifty dollars like please let me let me get you the fully loaded nachos oh god like they still slip us gas money and i'm like oh I know. Well, like, I understand. That is, like, they really truly, like, my family finally understands that I do have a job. Exactly. Exactly. Like, they understand, like, okay, for the meantime, Alex has a job.

Like, we don't need to make sure that, like, she's not dead. But they, like, my in-laws truly don't understand, like, what I do. And, but now, I think I figured it out. I find out where we're going for dinner.

MaxOut of curiosity, Alex, how would you explain it to them?

AlexHow do I explain it to them? Because I think I might have a theory about what the problem is. Okay. So exactly. I tried to, because they're in my in-laws and I'm close with them, I tried to explain what my job actually is, which is a lot and many mazes. And the other problem is I mentioned podcasts. No, no, no. Never again. And now I just say I work for Cards Against Humanity. and I do tech for events and I manage the studio and basically make sure all the cables are plugged in.

And that has kind of stopped it and then they just want to hear about the game and then it's like, yeah, it's really fun and move on. But they're like, wait, so a pod, what is it? I didn't know people used iPods. Oh, however-

MerlinYou gotta be careful because if you were to say, like I make movies or now that's gonna pivot to, oh so you're in Hollywood like you have to be careful what language you use with stuff like

Alexpodcast because you end up explaining less exactly yep yep um and yeah so so now they're kind of in like okay you can pay rent good that's fine but I they still want to pick up the check every time but I think I've got it I find out where we're going in advance or I know like all their favorite restaurants and I have I have acquired a number of gift cards for each of those restaurants and I'm like oh don't worry I have I have a gift card and this has happened for three

Merlinmonths in a row and I wonder oh you're at dinner with them you whip out the gift card when they're

Alexlike uh when the check comes they're like no no no let me get it you're like oh wait a minute I'm

Merlinpretty sure I have a gift card like literally and you do the Amy Poehler thing where you're you're like I act like you're looking for your wallet oh look at that I have exactly the amount

Alexwe need it i mean i don't i i say i i'm i'm like oh i found it in the whiz palace i have a stack of applebee's gift cards that have like uh like there's applebee's tg fridays

Merlinchilies and alip garden if you had like a like in the 90s you have a cd wallet like that big book of cd it'd be awesome if you open it up and it was just loaded with gift cards hundred gift cards for every chain restaurant. Who wants Arby's?

AlexThey have like $50. No, no, no. That's the problem. Is there going to figure out if I just put like if I start refilling an Olive Garden gift card every month, they're going to figure it out. So I have one that's clearly says like $25 on it and they're like, okay, we'll do the remainder and it's like $5. This is so

Merlindevious. You are so good.

AlexThat's so devious. It's not devious. I am telling no lies. I am not being misleading by saying I can't use this in Chicago. The only, well, I guess it could be there. I found out there is an Olive Garden actually disgustingly close to our office. So I'm very nervous about that. But I'm like, the only Fridays is downtown. We're not going to go downtown. No, no, no. Let me use it.

MerlinYou know what? I think you should leave them. Maybe you should have, you have the Grand Hospitaliani A. if it's at a you get an Olive Garden or whatever the maitre d at TGI Fridays comes over and says congratulations you're our 15,000th consumer this one's on us and then just drops a bunch of gift cards on the table

Speaker Abut that's a lie

Merlinyou know what I'm saying Max isn't that basic misdirection just basic misdirection look over there look at the man over there

AlexI'm fine with misdirection straight out like if they were to ask me did you buy these gift cards so that you would pay for dinner. I would be like, oh, you got me. And then we'd all have a laugh, but really they probably would resent me for the next 20 years. But that's a gamble I'm willing to make. The other thing I can think of, I've thought of doing is if they're like, oh, you always have gift cards. I can go, well, I don't know if it'll work. And when the server comes over, I can say, can you just check

and make sure this gift card works? Because that's technically not a lie. I don't, the machine could be broken.

MaxOh my god, you are a dark horse, my friend. This is an unbelievable con. This is like an Ocean's Eleven style heist on your family.

MerlinI think this fell out of your purse. Stack of gift cards.

MaxYou've got a demolitions guy on the roof ready to detonate the EMT so that the power goes out. You've got a Chinese guy in the trolley. Yeah.

AlexOh boy.

MerlinOh, my God. Now, here is, can I give you, okay, I love this. Can I give you just one note to be careful? Okay. All right. So, have you ever seen it happen? Let's say, for example, you're King Pork. Like, at a certain point, somebody goes, oh, it's funny, I found this figurine of a pig I'm going to give, because I think of, when I think of this person, I think of pigs. I had a friend who was an elephant lady. We're like, every birthday, so one time, one time, right? It's like Cooter Burger.

It's Cooter Burger all over again. One time they said they liked elephants, and then somebody gave them an elephant. And then, especially if you're a lady, not another birthday or Christmas goes by that you don't receive an elephant. What is that sketch?

AlexFirst birthday from SNL.

MerlinOh, my God. I'm an angel. Oh, my God. It's so good.

AlexOh, boy.

MerlinYou have become the chicken.

AlexWait, was there an end to that story? You just told an Alex story that was basically a question, and the answer is yes?

MerlinNo, I did more of a John Siracusa where I just tried to tell a joke with bullets.

MaxListen, I've got to keep this thing on track because I've got to get to my worms shortly. Oh, the worms.

MerlinWhat I'm saying is be careful that you don't become the TGI Friday's gift card lady is what I'm saying.

AlexWell, that's why I vary it up. I have a bunch of gift cards. That's why. challenge.

MerlinWow, Merlin's full of beans today.

Speaker ANo, it's Alex.

MerlinAlex, she's there feeding me, feeding me. Alex is the one who's got the beans.

MaxNo beans. No beans. No beans.

Speaker ANo beans.

MerlinJack, you and me, and I was there feeding you, feeding you.

MaxOh, boy. Bring the ruckus. Hang on. I'm having a problem here where my headphones are cutting in and out, and I'm having a lot of trouble hearing.

AlexOh, no. Cameron?

MaxWell, maybe if you paid Matchy, they'd work better.

AlexWe just replaced that one. Did you, though? I don't think you did.

MaxThese guys, yeah, but we didn't recess them. It's loose. I mean, it's not been replaced.

MerlinWhat kind of work do you do, Alex?

MaxOh, I disappoint Max. I disappoint Max.

AlexYeah.

MaxThis one is working. This one might have been replaced. He sounds nice. This one hasn't been replaced because it's just loose. It's like a loose tooth. It's just wiggling around in there. Oh, that's it.

MerlinLike Fred Van Vliet, am I right, Alex?

MaxReady to pop right out. Hey, are you guys watching Barry? Is anyone watching Barry? No. Are you watching Barry?

MerlinI have a season two drop-off problem lately.

MaxCameron? You watching Barry? Did anyone watch season one of Barry? No.

MerlinI'm not watching Barry. I didn't even watch Patriots season two. I don't know what's wrong with that.

MaxI know. You didn't even watch season one of Barry? No. Merlin?

MerlinYes.

MaxDid you like it? I didn't watch it to the end.

MerlinOh, okay. But yeah, I heard it's good.

Speaker AAll right.

MerlinNo, I loved it. I loved it. But even Killing Eve, Killing Eve has been a real slow burn for the second season.

AlexOh, I...

MerlinIt's so good.

MaxI really liked Barry. It hit a lot of the same notes for me as Patriot or Breaking Bad. I mean, very funny.

MerlinAnd just to say not in the obvious way. It's not just about Hitman stuff. It's also like this impossible balance of humor, sweetness, grisliness, right? Like without being campy and Quentin Tarantino about it. It's amazing what they are able to balance with that show.

MaxI really do. I'm really digging it. And I just sort of powered through season two. And it was so good. Okay. All right. I'm going to put it on the list. Give a big old recommendation to Barry. And it's short. You know, there's only eight episodes and they're 30 minutes. Yeah. I like that. It's generous.

AlexIs this the spy show?

MaxThe premise of Barry, I mean, I won't tell you anything you won't learn in the first 10 minutes of the first episode. But the premise of Barry is he's an ex-Marine and he got out of the service and his life was really shitty. And then he became basically this like family friend got him into like a world of crime where he became a hitman. And he's really he's unbelievably good at killing people. He's like a super when he's when he's in that mode.

MerlinLike he's utterly professional and like he just gets the shit done.

MaxYeah. He's like an incredibly good hitman. So he gets a contract from the Chechen mob in Los Angeles to kill the head of the Chechen mob. His wife is sleeping with her fitness instructor. So they hire Barry to kill the fitness instructor. so he goes to LA and he starts tailing the fitness instructor and the fitness instructor goes into an acting class taught by Henry Winkler the Fonz and he gets pulled on stage as part of this acting exercise and it changes his whole life and he decides he wants to become an actor but he's

Merlinhorrible he rediscovers this like this is like not not not just a sensitive but he discovers something about himself even in that short being an environment and being on stage he this thing that he just can't like shake.

Speaker AYeah.

MerlinSo he decides he has to be coming after.

MaxBut he's horrible. He's horrible at it. So the show is sort of about, I mean, to me, it's about what happens when like you're really good at something, but it's not the thing that's good for you. Also, it's got a little bit of,

Merlinyou know, a little bit of a Breaking Bad in the sense of like, you know, he's not gonna, there's a constant threat of people discovering one of his worlds, you know, in the other world. And it's just this constant sense of like, how long will it be?

MaxWell, what I thought was really smart about Breaking Bad was Breaking Bad had this real exploration of consequences. So in other shows, you kill someone, and then that's the end of that guy. But in Breaking Bad, you have to get rid of the body, and then you dissolve it in a bathtub of acid, and then the acid goes to the floor. So that was almost the thesis of Breaking Bad, is that one thing leads to the next leads to the next, and there's no thing where it's like, oh, you kill them, and you're done. You kill them, and you're just getting started. And Barry really embraces that, of nothing is clean in that show.

like everything leads to the next thing, leads to the next thing in a way that I find that to be, I mean, I think that's pretty clearly borrowed from Breaking Bad, that, that storytelling idea, but I just find that to be so compelling, such compelling storytelling.

MerlinThere was a pretty good show on HBO that did that for six years.

Speaker ASo. What's that?

MerlinOh, there used to be the show on HBO for the first six seasons of it. Things had consequences and meaning. So. What are we talking about? Deadwood?

AlexAre you a little salty there, Merlin?

MerlinNo, I'm fine. I'm still rewatching. I'm still rewatching two or three old episodes a night.

AlexOh, wow.

MerlinIt's just frustrating how good. It's frustrating how good.

Speaker AOh, you're talking about the Game of Thrones.

MerlinYeah, the Thrones. It's just frustrating how fucking great that show was. And then you watch the end and it's like, I don't know. It's like a community theater play. They thought they had three hours and they actually had 30 minutes. Anyway.

Speaker AYou guys got to make some worms.

MaxLet's do the show. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We got the worms coming in. Coming in hot. All right. So whose challenge? Alex, I believe.

AlexIt was my challenge. Alex, challenge. Challenge this week was to pitch the sharks.

Speaker ADun, dun. Dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun.

AlexHe said I love this show so much. Squad. Oh, people may be familiar with the television show Shark Tank on ABC. They celebrated 10 years of dreams this season with a whole.

MerlinThank you for your service. It was so good. This whole episode's going to be about veterans with a wife that pretends to like them.

AlexOh, it's...

MerlinThey're both very fit.

AlexIt was rough.

MerlinGod, I hate the veteran stuff.

AlexOh, they are.

MerlinSo, Shark Tank, you go in and there's a bunch of ding-a-lings and rich people. And it's based on the English show Dragon's Den. You go in there and you pitch these folks on your business idea and they can decide whether to invest. Wait a minute.

MaxThis is a bad one. We need the intro. I'm trying to find it.

Speaker AWhat?

AlexWhat the hell is going on with this? Okay, hold on. Ready? Ready? No, I got it. I got it. Okay. There we go.

Speaker Asince shark tank ignited America's

Merlin10 years Entrepreneurial spirit.

Speaker AAnd we're still blazing a trail. For those who take their fate into their own hands.

MerlinBy working hard.

Speaker AI present to you, Smoverals. Oh, my God. By working smart.

MerlinThe ultimate sleep solution that stops mouth breathing in its tracks. by

Speaker Awe're celebrating a decade of dreams

MerlinHe instilled a strong work ethic in each of us.

Speaker AAnd the dream continues now.

MaxWe need your money.

Speaker AWhat are your sales? A dollar. Wow.

MaxWow. Wow.

Speaker AUh-oh.

MaxThe fall of our actual negotiations between entrepreneurs and investors, sharks. The sharks invest their own money at their discretion. No offer is being made or solicited to the viewing audience. Dude is droopy.

The following are actual negotiations between entrepreneurs and the western sharks. The sharks are the rest of their own money. No offer is being made to or solicited from the viewing audience. Why can't I get a girlfriend?

MerlinAnd now we cut away to another follow-up of Barbara visiting the Lobster Brothers. Lobster Brothers. We have a truck.

Speaker AYeah.

MerlinHey, it's Lobster Brothers. They're back. Hey, now I'm in a Bed Bath & Beyond. What? What, you put lobsters in a store? Yeah, we got 17 more trucks. Mr. Wonderful.

Speaker AShredded it up and put it in a fucking cup so I can sell it at weddings. He loves weddings at funerals because people are emotional.

MerlinI don't understand. There's lobster in the...

Speaker ADun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun.

AlexYou know what? Honestly, 10 years...

MaxIt's a lobster place where you make your own lobster. We give you the dough, the sauce, the cheese. You pound it. You slap it. You flip up into the air. Kramer, you can't have people putting their hands into a lobster tank.

Speaker AYou get to make your own pie.

MaxAnd you slide it into the oven.

MerlinYou want to come on a lobster, nobody's going to stop you. He's so old. He's living for so long. Oh, my God. Come on a lobster. I'm going to put that on my list. That's good.

So the idea was, was it your challenge, Alex?

AlexYeah, it was my challenge. And the challenge was, and I kept it pretty open. I was just like, create a Shark Tank product. Because, you know, if hundreds of Americans are doing it for over 10 years, why wouldn't we? But before we start, real quick, are there any Shark Tank products that you use on a fairly regular basis?

MerlinOh, you know what we got? that we it's actually according to my i don't i'm not a consumer of this but my my wife and my daughter love it are those bantam bagels the bagels with like cream cheese in them they're supposed to be really good now shut up bagel people i don't care i don't care about cheese sticks and bagels i'm talking about my family that's supposedly really good um you bought dude wipes one time didn't you alex and then you were using them on the wrong parts the well we we bought

Alexthem on amazon for a bit at one point and then we we found out that they were not only stealing Valor, but they just bought guns for fun. And then I was like, no. Fun guns.

MaxYou know, you have to know how to do that. You can't have people shoving their arms into a 600 degree oven. It's all supervised, Jerry.

Speaker AIt's so good.

MaxI'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm in a K-hole now. That's what I like to call a Kramer hole.

AlexOh, my God. Looking at this list of the most successful products, I'm upset.

MerlinI have a Scrub Daddy. Sponge Daddy? That's a Scrub Daddy.

MaxI have a Scrub Daddy. It's pretty good.

AlexI use a Scrub Daddy almost every day.

MaxIt's a really good sponge.

AlexIt is.

MaxThe big selling point of the Scrub Daddy is that when it gets hot, it's soft, kind of like a normal sponge. But when you put cold water on it or when you squeeze it out and it's dry, it gets hard and rigid and you can use it to scour. That's the opposite of a man.

AlexThat's cool. That's nice. I love it. I mean, we all use the ring doorbell, the infamous, you know. I don't know why I said that. I don't have a ring doorbell. I love that product.

MaxThat's a great product. It works every time I use it. Very reliable.

AlexI'm glad that guy's a billionaire.

MerlinYeah, it's extremely reliable. It's just, it's amazing the convenience of being able to pop up that video stream in like milliseconds. Right away. Come back.

AlexCome back.

Speaker AI'll sign.

AlexI'll sign. When I... When I...

MerlinIt's literally... It worked once. It was just because my landlord was curious.

Speaker AI'm back! I'm back!

MerlinMy landlord was just looking into it, all fish-eyed.

Speaker AI was like, hey, how's it going? It's okay, it's me. I'm in the doorbell. How's it going? Do you need to get inside? I'm not trapped in there with you. You're trapped in here with me.

AlexOur office used squatty potties for a while. And then I hope in one day they all disappeared.

MerlinClean those. Do you clean those regularly? Everything you add to a bathroom needs to be clean.

AlexI didn't. I didn't. I would not allow one into my home. but I just found out that Kodiak Cakes, which are these basically weird keto pancakes, started on Shark Tank. I didn't know that. Oh, cool. Yeah, they've got a bear on them. They're lovely.

MerlinYou know, but we don't have time to get into this. You guys gotta go make worms, but there's so much about that show that's just such a fucking jam up. It's so weird. I mean, one of them being, of course, you never hear about the deals that don't go through because it turns out to be just utter fraud. What a terrible way to try and get actual money for your business. There's so much about it. It's so, so, so stupid. But it is entertaining, partly because of the ding-a-lings. It can be.

AlexWell, yeah. And now they've got the folks that clearly don't want or need money. They just want to be on the show. And I'm like, oh.

MerlinIt's the equivalent of Pebble being on Kickstarter.

AlexYes. You know what I mean?

MerlinWhere it's like, no, you're mainly just using this as a way to pre-order. You're not really here for support.

AlexI mean, I don't have a huge problem with that. I don't know why I jumped in hardcore.

MerlinIt screws up the power dynamic if they don't need the money. That's the problem.

AlexI don't know. Okay, take the Studio Neat guys. They're like, okay, clearly this cat thing, nobody wanted it. Glad we did. I did. But clearly, do you remember that? The Studio Neat guys were going to create a cat laser that was basically an automated, like a home automated cat laser thing. And it didn't go through on Kickstarter. And they're like, yeah, we could have afforded to make this, but we're really glad we didn't. and they do the same thing with their expensive pens and nice paper because we don't know

MerlinI just bought one of their notebooks

AlexI love it it's a pretty notebook I love the pano book but I love the tote book even more

Merlinpano books so cool

Alexso challenge challenge how do we want to round robin this should I go first

MaxAlex I feel like you're already blowing your pitch

Alexconfidence alright sharks has this ever happened to you as I pull up this note this is excuse me this is the time where one of you is supposed to say it's okay

Merlinlisten listen listen Ms. Cox I can't understand your accent and for that reason I'm out

Alexit's not something

MaxI would use and you know I can only invest in things that I would use I only eat human flesh so for that reason I'm out you know I think that this would be I think this would be a great fit in my wedding services you know I love to target people when they're getting married because they're irrational

Merlinso emotional I love to come on so many different things but not lobsters and for that reason I'm out they're so wise

Alexsharks has this ever happened to you you go into a hotel and in your room you have no idea how to work the shower head. You find yourself turning the knob left, right, then left, right again, only to get mixed results. The water is either boiling hot, freezing cold, or it won't turn on at all. There has to be a better way. Introducing, we couldn't figure out a name, Hotel Handle Job, the Simply Showerer. The Handle Job. The Smith Handle.

I mean, that's the way. The Handle Job is good. I thought it was pretty good, But I mean, that was the first one, obviously. But patent pending. And by pending, I mean, I Googled how to patent something in Illinois and closed that. And I'm like, I'm not going to dedicate that much to this bit. A plastic mold that just goes around your shower head. And you might ask, how does this work? Well, well, we've programmed all of the, like, it has only the biggest moment of my life.

Oh, boy. It has a built-in waterproof LCD screen. And you just plop this shower head on, and suddenly a PDF shows up of the shower instructions. Shower instructions? Sure, I stopped taking notes at this point. And then simply and easily turn the shower to your preferred temperature. Sharks, who's ready to get into the shower with me? Thank you.

MaxSo how does it work to set the shower temperature?

AlexWell, I'm glad you asked. You put on our patent pending, both design and utility patent, onto the shower head. And then it knows intelligently how to turn it on because.

MerlinYeah, because of technology. Were we allowed to do this?

AlexBecause of technology. Wait a minute.

MerlinWere we allowed to do this as part of the challenge? Did you not know there's a patent pending?

AlexHere's the thing. wait did i misunderstand the rules here because i came up with an actual business is it a business or a product because uh because mine wait a minute could i have just

Maxwhat about can i just sell like something from harry potter sure hold on i i went if you got a

Alexpitch you gotta have the right pitch i went into so okay i i hi sharks have you ever wanted to

Merlinmurder someone with a spell hey sharks are you tired of cleaning shit out of your own pants

Alexoh boy also everyone is gay I thought about this and I was talking to some of my friends and I who like manufacture products and I realized I could have reached out to like the people who actually menu like the studio neat guys or like the like Sherry or some of the people that we've worked with but I was too embarrassed and I'm like this is a waste again this is a waste of their time Also, this is a real job that they have that I don't want to pay them for. Oh, I see. They should invoice you.

Yes. Okay. So you create a 3D mold that fits over any shower head, right? One of the twisty ones. Okay? Okay. It's just, you could have a rubber band. Really, it's just the waterproof LCD that suction cups onto the screen that you can Google the PDF of the instructions on how to turn the shower head. That's it. And yes, those exist. And yes, I had to Google them a number of times at various hotels of various costs.

You'd think that a Four Seasons would have a reasonable shower. You would be wrong. I don't know how to do that. For some reason, baths. And the question that might come up is, do you have this product for baths at all? Well, here's the thing. Those are clearly labeled. No one's ever had a problem with it. Yep, there's traditional bath conventions all around the world. but in America and Europe, all these shower heads are completely different.

Huh, I'm in. Yeah, mm-hmm, mm-hmm.

MaxI don't believe that this works. It's got technology, Max. And for that reason, I have to be out.

AlexBut technology. Oh, all right. Well, thank you so much for your time. Can you make a vegan version?

MerlinWhat about a pink one for me?

AlexThat's why I'm here today.

MerlinWell, as you know, I have 400 patents. I have 400 patents for tiny boxes on QVC, and for some reason there's lots of holes in my dress. And my relationship of Bed Bath & Beyond will be such that your LCDs will be printing out PDFs in every strip mall in America. Why are there holes in my dress?

AlexI like the shoulder holes.

MerlinKey holes.

AlexYou just made a funny trans joke and you don't even know it. I'm going to start.

MerlinI'm going to have a product called Pink Key Holes. Pink Key Holes. I got one for you, Lori. This joke is funny.

Speaker AIt's like three people.

MaxYou like pink. That was like the catch or sell white of trans jokes.

Speaker AWhat? Okay. Can you explain it to us? Keyholes. All right.

AlexKeyhole is just a type of top surgery you have.

Speaker AWhat is it?

AlexIt's just... Oh, God. It's a surgery you have in that... What? What are you talking about?

Speaker AWait, whoa, whoa, whoa.

AlexWhat are you talking about? Keyhole, there is a type of what is referred to as top surgery.

Speaker AI was talking about a tire.

AlexI was talking about when there's holes in clothes. I know. I know. But the reference is... I know, but it's funny. But the flea bag pants suit.

MerlinThat's what I was talking about. Holy shit.

AlexI wasn't talking about trans parts. I know, but that's why... Jesus, fuck. I know. That's why it's funny. It's funny.

MerlinI was just trying to felt a normal conversation.

AlexThis isn't for you. This isn't for you. This isn't for you. It is a funny joke for the one member. This has got to be the worst episode of this podcast we've ever done. Can I get a fucking answer? It wasn't offensive.

MerlinWhat is a keyhole? What is a keyhole? It's technology, Max. It uses technology. Is that something that is that something that trans people have keyholes installed into them?

Speaker AWhat are they keeping in there?

MaxThere is only Zool. What the fuck? Is that an option? Sounds like something I could use for magic tricks. Ticka, ticka, ticka, challenge.

Speaker AYou guys ready to start?

Alexoh i mean there's keyhole there's di there's parry no no no no no direct input box

Maxwhat the fuck is happening i want all wait a minute i want this am i missing out you're saying i could have a keyhole there is there a whole is there a whole codex is there

Merlina whole codex of parts that i don't know about is there a pdf that i should print out about all these things I don't know I'm saying?

AlexOh, boy. The thing is, this will be an episode that Matt you will actually find funny and enjoy all his favorite things.

MaxI just want to say that if I could have a keyhole installed, I would do that. That sounds cool as hell. You can put your keychain on there. What do you keep in there? It's like a safe deposit box? You can put a lipstick?

AlexNo, no, no.

MaxIt's what you take out of the keyhole is what you take out.

AlexYeah, yeah. What you take out. You get rid of the man boobs. Yeah, yes. All right. Dig Dug.

MaxThat's not what your keyhole can do for you. Right.

AlexExactly.

MerlinAnd some Johnny Ives. Right. So what?

AlexWhat can Garamoni do for you? All right, Merlin, your challenge, your, no, your product. Did you create a product or a service or a company? Oh, what? Yeah, there we go.

MerlinShould I go?

AlexYep, go. Go, go, go.

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Well, check us out at giggy.io, and we'll gig the gig for you by re-disintermediating you from the gig economy ecosystem. That's right. We take the order. We make the order. We give the stars. Maybe your fucking friends are so thirsty for approval that you want to harm yourself. Maybe your stupid sister-in-law posted a bunch of ugly baby photos, or maybe your syphilitic uncle likes memes about how Michelle Obama is a gorilla that works for Saddam Hussein. Well, meet littlebird.limo. We'll smell their farts and post your hearts by pretending to like everything in your social media hell world. Little bird, we step over the shit for you.

And finally, this is something we're working on right now. do you have almost nothing to say but want a sassy black lady to pretend to say it well ooh girl.biz launches in quarter three bespoke black lady reaction gifs made by actual sassy black ladies for you so sharks who's ready to change the way we almost use the internet was

Maxsuper fucking online this is the plot of that new amazon movie uh laquisha oh my god you're right oh girl oh that movie's gonna go places we should watch that challenge oh that's no

Alexvetoing that.

MaxWhat's it called, sister friend? What's it called? Look at on YouTube for the trailer for Loquisha.

AlexOh, it's so bad.

MaxI sincerely believe this might be the worst movie ever made.

MerlinI agree. Oh, no, no, no, no. I saw this. No, no, no, no, no, no. Oh, no, no, no. Google, no. I didn't look for this. Take it out of history.

Speaker AOh, no.

MerlinAnyway, I don't know what percentage to offer. I mean, I'll probably be the, I'm thinking for shit like I'm offering here. I'm thinking 100 grand, but I'm going to ask for something and say, oh, you get like a 5%. You know what I mean? One of those terrible kind of deals.

AlexNow, can I ask how much of the company do you own?

MerlinOh, well, I mean, that's an excellent question. I'm just shuffling cards right here. Well, a lot of this is still speculative online activity. So you're pre-revenue? Well, we see a revenue positive growth stream that could involve, you know, a lot of synergies amongst millennial lifestyle-preneurs. So, yeah, pretty much.

AlexOkay. See, now I don't know what my—

MerlinYour uncle doesn't have to have syphilis, but it's not helping.

AlexAll right. So are you selling us all three services? I lost count there.

MerlinListen, I owe a lot of money right now.

MaxI'm really tied up in my jet ski business.

MerlinYeah. We're going to install a jet ski in every place where you currently have a doorman. We're going to install a jet ski in there, and the jet ski will sign for your packages for you, and you don't have to tip it at Christmas. I'm going to be selling nickels for a quarter.

Hi. Hi.

MaxMy name is Brocious Broford. Hi, Sharks. Oh, my God. I know someone in Laquisha.

AlexOh, no.

MaxI do. In Laquisha.

MerlinOh, my God. This Jeremy Saville character seems to have a lot of roles. Jeremy Saville. I have a friend who's in this movie.

AlexThat's crazy. I can unfortunately imagine many people, like there are so many people who were just, you know, in a union. They're putting up lights and then they're like, oh, wait. It's a job. Oh, wait. Oh, wait.

MerlinOh, no. Oh, no.

AlexOh, God.

MerlinOh, no. Oh, no.

AlexGod. And oh, God. And then they're all turning and looking at like the two black women on set. And they're just like.

MerlinLet's see if there's any Laquisha black lady reaction gifs. Let's go look.

AlexOh, no.

MerlinOh, no. Okay. Laquisha gifs.

MaxIs this the after show?

AlexThis is.

MaxNope. Nope. Nope. You haven't done yours. Okay. Thank you everybody for coming to Dubai Friday. Go to give us your fucking money. What? Hold on. Hold on. Hold on.

AlexNo, no, no. Thank you so much. We've been Dubai Friday. You're not peanut buttering. No, no, no, no, no. There don't seem to be any Laquisha gifs yet.

MerlinYou know, let me tell you something, though. I did this very good. We're short on time, so we could cut out.

MaxI did an actual business. Oh.

MerlinWell, that won't stand a chance.

MaxOkay. Yeah, I know. I feel like I did this wrong. The problem is that I was talking to Veronica on how hard it was for me to do this, and the problem is anytime I come up with a funny idea for a business, I actually do it.

MerlinWait a minute. You actually made an actual business?

MaxNo, I came up with a really fucking good business that someone should actually give me money to do.

AlexMatchy and I were like, there's a 6% chance that Max actually creates an LLC or like of existentialism.

MaxThere's probably not enough time to do that.

MerlinSmell their farts and post your hearts. How is that not a money making machine?

MaxAll right. That's pretty good. Give us business. Here's the business I came up with. Yes. I have this idea that I think we should take like abandoned warehouses and industrial buildings. Like you could go on in like Avondale in Chicago. There's a lot of sort of abandoned warehouse buildings. You buy them pretty cheap, okay? And buildings need a ton of work. So you're going to pull the roof off and you replace it with like a glass roof. And you're going to turn the entire building into a huge city block sized greenhouse.

And inside you're going to like terraform it. And you're going to make like hills and trees and groves and cool area, a pond, like cool areas to sit on. There's going to be like bugs and it's going to be like a whole real ass four season outdoor thing. And it's a co-working space and it's a membership model and people pay and you come to work in the park. And there's like hidden power outlets. There'll be really good Wi-Fi. And there's like a membership model.

Alexbecause of gentrification I'm gonna have to be out there's no way

Merlinyou could do it you replace the roof so it's still temperature controlled

Maxit's four season in Chicago because it gets real depressing in Chicago when you can't sort of lie in the grass for six months I don't like that about Chicago

Alexyou can if you dig deep enough

Maxbut I go to like I'll go to our Field Park Conservatory or something like that, and I just think there should be something like that where you can pay a little bit or be a member, and then you go in and you just lie on the grass with your laptop and do some work.

MerlinIt's like WeWork, but good and not creepy.

MaxWell, it's not WeWork in the sense that you're not there. You wouldn't go there every day for meetings to run your company. It's more like a coffee shop. Oh, yes. You'd go for a few hours, and you'd go for a walk with someone,

Merlinthat kind of a thing. I think that's not a bad idea. I'm interested in, you go ahead, Alex. What were you going to say?

AlexI, this isn't a real, how would, how in any, how? This isn't a real, how? I mean, but.

MerlinUnlike her shower PDF generator.

AlexMy shower PDF generator, it is more likely.

MerlinYou will shower in a moment.

AlexI'm not saying that it's more likely that mine will be successful. I'm saying, like, how would, would you just have to get a bunch of VC funding? Let's say you're not Max Duncan.

MaxI'd need like probably $4 million to do this. And I think you'd easily make that back on a membership model. Plus you'd have like coffee shops. You'd do wedding rentals during the weekends and things like that.

MerlinI love weddings. That's when I serve my cupcakes, also funerals.

MaxYeah, but you could have some real expensive sort of four-season wedding rental venue. You do corporate team building and shit in there. You do buyouts. You do private events. You could have like a band shell and have concerts at night.

AlexI feel like this absolutely It doesn't Well not in the Not in the co-working sort of like I mean Why not just donate Four million dollars to a public I mean I know I know

MerlinAnd you're asking me for that? My money to give away?

AlexHere's the problem Merlin If we say anything good about this idea Somehow it's going to happen And then I'm not going to have a job anymore and then or my job will be digging a hole.

MerlinMax, take off your headphones.

AlexAlex and I need to talk a few minutes ago. I'm going to be just, you know, in mulch all the time.

MerlinI don't know, Max. I mean, I love the idea of it, but I'm not sure about the practicality. Do people put their hands into the oven?

AlexActually, what is interesting about putting, like, there's so much, like, mixed up and conflicting research about how much solar panels will actually help cities. But I wonder if...

MerlinHmm. Hmm.

AlexI don't know. Now I'm thinking about the reality of it.

MerlinMy only thing I think about is parking. Is parking a problem?

AlexWell, people in Chicago... There's two classes of people in Chicago. The people who park and the people who don't. And I don't even mean that by wealth. It's just some people have had cars forever and they still have them. And then there's people who walk everywhere or take public transit.

MerlinRight.

AlexSo I like that's an issue with any space, although because it's an Avondale, which is a far north neighborhood of Chicago. And it's kind of being like it's not it's kind of one of those things where it's already gentrified. So it's not like Logan's like Logan Square, which is a western neighborhood of Chicago. there are just like empty lots and it's a bummer to go around there I'd take the what would it be called Max?

MaxThat's a good question like solar punk solar punk solar punk

Speaker Aindustries

Merlinyou want to be my latex salesman yeah

Maxthat's a good ass idea someone if someone is listening to this podcast and you're you're like idol rich and you just you want to do something fun you should email me and give me um i could probably do this for like three or four million start with one start start with one

Alexyeah that was that we're still in the after show now right the we're still this isn't the after show this is the main show now don't you guys have to go make fucking worms what's happening I have like 40 minutes before the worms are here. Exactly. Before our final.

MerlinCan we say something? Good job, Max. Should we say something funny? I don't want to run out of time. Alexa, stop.

AlexWe're not going to run out of time. Max, will you quickly explain the worm situation?

MaxYeah. What's the worm situation here? I got a worm guy coming.

AlexYeah.

MaxMy worm guy. For nature's little recyclers.

AlexYes. Thank you.

MaxThank you. At my indoor outdoor co-working space, the worm vermiculture is going to be a big factor because we're going to have to get compost.

MerlinWhat's it called? Solar Punk? Solar Punk?

AlexDo you really not know what Solar Punk is? I mean, it's something both of you will make fun of me for liking, but so never mind. I think Solar Punk is cool as hell.

MerlinSolar Punk is really cool. Solar Punk.

AlexWhat's your favorite Pokemon, Merlin?

MerlinOh. I don't know enough to make a joke. Finger Bangitus.

Jaz, Jazintin, Jazam. Salazar, Salazar, Frenzel.

Show notes

Transcript

136. Pink Keyholes

Show notes

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