115. Junk Boys

AlexThis is Do By Friday, a weekly challenge podcast with Merlin Mann, Alex Cox, and Max Temkin. This week's challenge, wear a muse band.

Speaker AGood morning.

AlexGood morning, Merlin.

MerlinGood morning.

AlexI don't think Max has joined yet.

MerlinSorry I'm late.

AlexYou know, it's so late.

MerlinOh, my God. Oh, my God. Someday the story will be told. Oh, my God.

AlexCan you not tell the story of your drunk boys?

MerlinOh, no, no. I'd love to talk about my drunk boys.

AlexGood, good.

MerlinI'm talking about the story of Max. I'm talking about the story of tonight.

AlexOh, yes.

MerlinOh, my God. He can't. He is. Is it like this at the office? Is he literally incapable of being on time even when it's made later?

Speaker BOh.

MerlinOh.

AlexNo. You know what? I'm not going to comment on that. because it's his birthday.

Speaker AThis is,

Alexit's his birthday.

MerlinSure, you love your job security. Look at me, I'm out. That's when I like money. God damn it. I'm so tired of being the only voice of reason on every show I'm on.

AlexYou know, you know what? It's going to be a tremendous show. A tremendous show. All right. May I read a text message that you, a screenshot.

MerlinThe setup, the setup for this is, yes, you absolutely can. I want to hear it in your voice. Here's the setup. The setup is that I'm doing my second stage of purging in the office. The first stage was massive. The second stage is a lot of the cardboard boxes plus three contractor bags. I'm finally like, you know, Alex, I have so many cheap microphones. I got so much. I had a box with two computer speakers from the early 2000s in it. Like, somebody will want this. So I called the Junk Boys.

And I set up an appointment yesterday with the Junk Boys. Junk Boys, I was prepared to say to you guys, hey, listen, I'm going to get a ping during the show because they're supposed to come between 1130 and 130, which is when we're usually kind of wrapping up. Instead, I slept in a little bit. My kid's at camp. I wake up and they're like, hey, we can come right now. I'm like, oh, give me 20 minutes. And so I said to my co-host, can I, you have to admit this is a fairly rare thing. Do you mind if we start late and schedule a later starting time?

Speaker BMm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

MerlinAnd then I'm really so half asleep. And I'd gotten the phone call, and then once I approved it with you, I texted them back. And what did I say to the junk boys in his green bubble message?

AlexOh, it is green indeed. Hey, it's Merlin. Your next pickup. I made it, so come anytime. And I just want to pause for a second because you were... Wait.

Speaker BAre you okay? Am I?

Speaker AI think I'm not okay. I'm Tobias Funke. I just blew myself.

MerlinI can't believe. I mean, as I was typing it, I was thinking, I should take one time. You know how you are.

AlexNo, it's not. It's not that. It was fine.

MerlinWhat would you have said? What would you have said at that early hour? I was trying to say that I'm at the office. You guys could come anytime.

AlexYeah, I made it. So come anytime. I would have been like, oh, this is a ding-a-ling who made a text error. I don't know. And but then you responded, boy, comma, that was some poor phrasing. Anyhow, period. I'm here! Exclamation point. See you soon. Oh, don't you.

MerlinDon't you try to teach me about exclamation points. You're an exclamation point toady.

AlexOh, I am. Sounds good. Sounds good. What's the word? What's the rule? Every hundred thousand words.

MerlinI've had to throw that out. I've had to throw it out.

AlexI got it. I write. Nobody knows.

MerlinWell, I mean, the thing is, I think to most millenniums, if you text to them and say sounds good with a period, like an adult, they think they're going to prison.

Speaker BThey're going to jail for a crime.

Speaker ASounds good. Meet Detective Jigsaw.

Speaker BI listened to it last week again.

Speaker AAre you coming over to the barbecue? Greg, I'm so glad.

Speaker BI love them so much Alex I love them so much

Speaker Aanyway Detective Jigsaw I know I sounded like I sent it to my wife and I was like you're not going to believe what I just sent to the junk boys here's my junk come anytime she says with a C and a U and an M do you have a hole that can accommodate my junk come anytime

Alexwere these the 1-800 junk.com people

MerlinI don't want to say

AlexOkay. Yes. Okay. No, I just.

MerlinThey're really, really overpriced. They're so overpriced. They're comically overpriced.

AlexI just find them. I love it because they're kind of like a 1-800-Flowers-at-Cons.

MerlinRight. It was junk. They're the ones that said junk.

AlexYeah.

MerlinI'm just asking the question.

Speaker BYeah. The text isn't that bad until the second part.

MerlinYou think my trying to clean up after myself? trying to wipe up my jizz made it worse.

AlexIt was so bad. This is a situation where you leave the cum rag and go because then no one really knows. Oh, doctor. Oh. No one knows. Oh, this could be, who knows what this is. You know what? Just throw it in the trash.

MerlinAre we just not doing phrasing anymore?

Speaker BI didn't know you were going to be.

MerlinI'm going to do what I did with John Strakusa. I'm going to send you in yours, and Max may not know this. He's not permitted to know this.

Speaker BHe's banned from knowing this.

MerlinI'm going to tell you what previous load was shot last week and what the cost for the pickup was. And you may have thoughts about it, but you may not name the numbers. Are you ready?

AlexOkay. Oh.

MerlinEach one of those bags holds 42 gallons.

AlexOh.

MerlinSo they charge a lot, but then the stuff goes away. And I said, really? That's really? Okay.

AlexIs that an include tip?

MerlinOh, it includes the tip for sure. No, I tip as well. I over tip. I tip egregiously.

AlexYeah, I never know. So I always feel like I have to give an amount that is at least enough that if it's insulting, at least they get like a nice cocktail out of it because I just don't know.

MerlinI always feel like for work persons, and I do this for plumbers, I do this for anything, I try to tip a minimum of $20 per person. That just seems like a gentlemanly thing to do.

AlexAlso, those are like the only bills that exist in my world. I sound like Ms. Moneybags, but I don't use cash.

MerlinNo, $20 has become, it's funny, $20 has become so standard because of what?

AlexMoney, our slow cashless society.

MerlinAlex Bot, where do you go when you want cash money sometimes?

AlexOh, I know. Yes, yes, it's the bank. Oh, wait.

MerlinWell, I think it's the ATMs.

AlexI try not to go to an ATM because it's like...

Speaker BDo you go to a teller? Do you go to a bespoke teller, friend? Oh, no, no, no, no.

AlexYou go into that little, like, alcove right inside.

MerlinOh, like a lobby. You go into, like, a locked lobby?

AlexWell, no, no, no. Oh, actually, never mind. I take it back. Yes, yes, yes. Because you can go into most banks, scan your little debit card, and you go into the nice alcove where you don't have to interact with anybody. And you can do this after hours. and you just go to the nice little money robot and you can take out your money and they don't charge you.

MerlinBetter to risk mugging than an interaction.

AlexIt is. It's locked. It's locked. That's why you got to put, I mean.

MerlinIt's locked. It's locked. You're in the money zoo. You're in the money zoo. If you want to leave, you have to unlock the door. There's only literally one thing that anyone goes in there for, which is to acquire liquid cash. Look at me. I'm Alex. I'm a pinata. Hit me. okay so there's a chase there's a chase so i'm i use an online bank thing where you have to use atms of other stripes um and there are not there used to be a ton more of the um fee free ones but

when i go to the atm i get the max out so i'd pay the minimum fee anyhow there's a chase you should check this out there's a chase near my house that lets you choose what bills you oh tens, twenties, and fives.

AlexOh my, you found the unicorn of ATMs.

MerlinI know. This is like, this is the, this is the Holy Grail of John Gruber's college years. They're like the no fee ATM that gives fives and tens.

AlexOh my gosh.

MerlinNo, but you can go in and you say, I want $500 and I want it to be four hundreds, four twenties, and two fives or whatever that would be, four fives.

AlexOh my gosh.

MerlinAnd it just gives it to you. Isn't that nice?

AlexThat is lovely.

MerlinYeah.

AlexI tend to, I just realized the place that I get cash is my 7-Eleven where I buy mints and then get cash back because I'm one of those people because I can be like, may I please have a friend?

MerlinOh, you're so cute. I could tell when you were born. It's a little treat for myself.

AlexI don't know. I don't know.

MerlinWhat kind of mints? What kind of mints?

AlexOh, they are the ones that have the nice little speckles on them that makes it look like you're eating a kind of ostrich egg.

MerlinAnd they're like in a little pack like birth control

AlexYeah No no no Are you talking about the ones that you bite them And then they like squirt in your mouth They deliver their junk

MerlinThose are gross

AlexThey're very bad But they're like the three hour There's that and then like Fix your breath for three hours But generally I'm a Listerine strip person It's like yeah Car wash for your mouth It's great.

Speaker BMm-hmm.

AlexIt's cats like it too. Does your cat enjoy mints of any type? Like the scent of mint or somehow the flavor of mint?

MerlinI don't. We know that the only thing she likes at all historically has been salt. If you put salt on your fingertip, she'll lick it. But we discovered, as long as I'm standing for cat treats, there is a brand of little kibble treats called greenies and greenies are like chicken and other stuff and i think they're they're good for your cat's skin and stuff and it is it is really like it is like the only the only thing where we say you want a treat and we jiggle it and you want

a treat and and she comes in she goes and that's the only thing now i've never tried mint i never

Alexthought to try it's it's not i don't think i it might actually be toxic but i there's just this affliction i have with one of my cats um and and it isn't i think an affliction as you would say i i've been it's winter i've been using the carmex uh but like when i go to sleep at night and uh then i will sometimes wake up with a cat's mouth or a tongue in my mouth and it's very unpleasant very it's exploring your mouth it's exploring it yeah it's not great and he has a

very sharp tongue uh so then i get then it looks like i have like cat herpes because it starts to

Merlinbleed a little bit uh well your cat licks hard enough to give you give you like velcro herpes

Alexyeah yeah he has little like talons on his tongue no they got little grabbers on there i think that's for the isn't that for grooming don't they have hooky tongues so they can groom i mean they're very clean but i i i don't need to be cleaned um but yeah uh however it it's a great motivational tool for training i know you don't believe that my cat can sit stay and come but you know oh come on phrasing oh my god it's not that bad you're a good boy aren't you no no clean that up you dirty

Speaker Bboy you're a dirty dirty cat hello junk boys would you like to see my junk there are so many levels

Alexand it's so early there that they wouldn't have oh god then you need to be the guy who sent the

Merlinawkward text message and they it wasn't awkward it was very man it was a very masculine explanation

Speaker Bthat's a word for it it was a turgid

Merlinturgid erect explanation hello boys welcome to my private office oh oh sorry that's my chunk look at me i'm louis ck um so a topical matter so so alex i'm on a fad diet i have created a fad diet of my own design Long story short, I'm having, it's having effects.

Speaker BIt is good.

Speaker AOh, good.

MerlinI've cut out, I'm trying to get less than 20 carbs a day, 20 grams, and cutting out gluten as much as I can altogether. Now, when do you pee on your ketosis sticks? Do you do it first thing?

AlexI mean, you can do it whenever, but I-

MerlinDoes it differ? Does it differ? Because I feel like I may get different results. I'm very early, I think, in the process.

AlexWell, to test if your body, we should say, testing if your body has ketones requires There's either a blood draw or which is what I did. I'm so normal. Or peeing on a stick that and it's like, congratulations, it's a ketone. And then it takes some people like three days.

MerlinIt gets a darker. Mine get a darker color of red from white to pink to red. And then you hold it up, hold your urine stick next to the thing and you can see roughly where you are.

AlexYeah. Yeah. And some people it takes like three days to get into the dark red. Some people it takes like three weeks. Mine was about a, I didn't, I tried like a weekend, but then holidays happened. It took me about a week. Holidays happened. And then, but so I did the, the, the, the fad fasty thing. And then it just took like three days and I got deep, deep. Fad fasty thing? Yeah, you just basically don't eat for three days. Not super recommended.

MerlinAnd that causes like a panic reaction in your body and it starts making things. When I did it 15 or so years ago when I was doing Atkins, straight Atkins, I did the, It looked almost like a litmus strip. But these are like a bespoke, like plasticky. They look more like Apple made them. They're just like a white strip with a little nubbin on the end, like a little mini sponge, and you pee on the little mini sponge.

AlexYep, yep. It looks like a cheap birth control kit. But I wish. Birth control or pregnancy detection? Well, I mean, you don't know.

MerlinBecause there's a big difference. If you're trying to prevent having a kid, if you didn't match, you want to wait a little longer. I peed on everything and I'm still pregnant

Speaker AThe test works

AlexOh my god Oh man Junk boys

Speaker AJunk boys Clean up this bastard of my strips That's what I use for birth control Ma'am we should go My lights are automated Welcome to our new show Before Max arrives Scheduled for 920 So he said he'd be here at 925. It's now 947.

AlexMoving on.

MerlinWhat else we got on the board?

AlexOh, I'll just share my quick theory about why.

MerlinOh, is this your gasoline theory?

AlexYes, yes.

MerlinYeah, I want to hear this.

AlexThis actually isn't my theory. Someone presented it, a coworker presented it to me. Because we were just like, man, why is it just so good?

MerlinI love it. My daughter, my wife doesn't. But my daughter and I both love markers, gasoline, any of those. What do you call that class? Like benzene, like a solvent, like almost like a solvent smell.

AlexAnd so it's it's markers. And this is actually good markers and like car gasoline. Both of those. A lot of people have positive associations with from their childhood. Like if they remember, oh, we're going on a fun car trip and then you're filling up the tank. or like if you got some sharpies and you're probably doing a craft project.

MerlinSo you think it's a psychological.

AlexI mean, I rather believe that. And then I like to huff things.

MerlinWell, I am thinking I wasn't going there. I was thinking more like there is isn't there a genetic, a roughly genetic reason why you're a super taster?

AlexOh, yes, yes, yes.

MerlinI mean, there's that. There is in the one in my wheelhouse, People of certain ethnic backgrounds tend to be more likely to get certain autoimmune diseases. You got sickle cell with African-American people. I'm not saying these are all the same thing. Just that there are certain genetic and I don't say ethnic, but genetic dispositions to certain kinds of things. Right. I mean, I don't know. I mean, I always wonder about that. It's like superpowers to me. Like people who can see. I'm a man. So my entire life, I've never been able to detect the difference between black and navy blue to any certainty.

Oh, interesting. Unless it's very bright light. I've had a lady friend who said she's pretty sure that women are better at discerning subtle distinctions in colors than men. I don't know. Do you find that to be true?

AlexI don't. I don't want to be normative, but I find that we probably care more as a control group. But I don't know.

MerlinYou see a plaid and you're saying to yourself, is that the right plaid? Those polka dots, are those the right polka dots?

AlexOh, there was an egregious, oh, wow. I bought a shirt recently and it was a plaid shirt, but they said, enjoy your flannel. No, no, no. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. And this is a clothing store. This was a relatively nice clothing store.

MerlinOh, they're making the category error. They think just because it's plaid, it's got to be literally cotton flannel. and this was not.

AlexIt's been a month and it's still bothering me.

MerlinActually, hi, you might remember me. I was in here a month ago. I'm the lady who pees to avoid pregnancy. It's been driving me crazy. I just had to let you know. This is not flannel! May I use your bathroom? Don't ask.

Would you like to see my junk? It's a glen plaid pattern. You made it worse. I have a flannel fanny.

Speaker Athat's what they call her they call her flannel fanny it's not flannel

Alexthat's good they probably like that oh yeah the the person with ripped jeans and a ripped sweater was they were like okay sure some places they love to talk you go to a hot topic boy

Merlinthey love to talk they're talkers oh really that oh because i'm a little kid there and we were you know it was on vacation so we're getting more stuff than we usually get and she'd found this cash. She's got a really cool Steven Universe jacket with a big star on the back. All the hot... I mean, my daughter is right in the wheelhouse for Hot Topic. We've got Doctor Who's stuff. We've got Miyazaki's stuff. We've got Wings of Fire stuff. And they were real talkative because I think they knew we were dropping a lot of coin. Because, yeah, I imagine they'd get a cut.

AlexNo, I don't think so. No, at Hot Topic? No way.

MerlinNo way. I don't like the talking. I hate the talking. I don't like talking to my junk boys. The last Junk Boys, the previous, the penultimate Junk Boys, the guy came in, you know, do you really, do we need to talk? You know, and he goes, oh, you got a lot of X-Men posters.

Speaker AThat's true. I did go, oh, you like comics? And I'm like, I do. I like comics.

MerlinNo, no. The last person left these here. The last person left. When this was a bubble tea place, it was covered in X-Men posters. So I kept them.

AlexWhy don't you just say, I'm not sure. I'm just helping out a friend here.

MerlinCould you claim that you've got some kind of a grave disease and it takes too much energy for you to talk?

AlexI've considered, ooh.

MerlinMaybe you feign use of some kind of a medical appliance and you're out of breath and you're like, I used to love lots of things.

AlexI've told my friends.

Speaker AHave you seen my Dark Phoenix?

AlexYou could have just held it up and kept holding it and just been silent and look at the Dark Phoenix and look at him.

MerlinYou should see my Dark Phoenix is, there's a reason when John Roderick came to my office and we recorded here in that, I don't know if you've ever heard of it. We had a fairly epic episode where John picked through my Marvel dolls. And the Dark Phoenix is kind of, cuts a pretty harrowing figure. I will take a photo for you because she is quite a figure. I got a regular Phoenix and a Dark Phoenix.

AlexOh, I miss their movies. I want them to come back. The X-Men's? Yeah.

MerlinThe thing is, they're going to do, I think, a Dark Phoenix pretty soon with the lady from Game of Thrones, who I like a lot. But I don't think she's a good Jean Grey.

AlexWhich lady? There's many ladies.

MerlinThe older daughter.

AlexOh, yeah, no.

MerlinYeah. I wouldn't have cast her.

AlexMan.

MerlinI'd put a Rachel McAdams in that. Just because I'd like to see the fitting.

AlexI'd love to see the fitting. I'd say Emily Blunt.

Merlinoh Emily Blunt should be in it

Alexyeah she's lovely

Merlindid you see Mary Poppins? you were excited about her falling in a bathtub

AlexI was it's cool she falls into a bathtub and it's a practical effect and not a CGI situation and I just like when

MerlinI can't believe how many movies with bathtub effects are ruined at this point

AlexI know it's another affliction I have every time I'm like oh that's not real

Merlinif I know it's done with computers

Speaker AI can't finish she's so wet she fell backwards she's so confident and wet I'll give you a spoonful of sugar

Speaker Bshe's crawling on the mat

Merlinoh my god she's so game for it oh yes I'll fall down the bathtub should I wear my hat yes wear the hat wear the hat

Speaker Bit's just that i i haven't even seen the movie oh you haven't i i don't know i don't know i don't

Merlinhave i don't feel compelled yeah there's not that many movies i want to see i want to see the favorite i keep hearing about like the favorite i unequivocally want to see because i love the lobster and it looks amazing and i'm i'm i'm so gay for olivia coleman i just love love love and i mean i love all of them they're all great that i'm excited about my wife wants to see some of my kids at camp for three nights and so we have some theoretical time to do whatever and we're trying to pick a movie she wants to see beale street which i heard is very good but not that that very

Alexgood i heard it's like it like a yeah there i mean we're we're in like the pre-oscar season release mode so it's like yeah yeah yeah yeah uh i oh man i i want to wait i wanted to wait until max was here is he here nope um but uh as you know we did our secret krampus and max will be it was secret santa among the lovely cucks in our discord go to uh give us your fucking money.com yeah i heard that went really well yeah i received um have you seen the film sorry to bother you yes

Merlinthoughts pass interesting really i uh i thought it was very ambitious

Alexno i mean i i liked all the ambition about it yeah it it was just i i went into it completely

Merlini love weird i love weird movies i don't that one didn't quite land it for me but i i love the

Alexweirdness of it there is a keyboard in that that movie uh that my secret krampus got for me on ebay

Merlinand wow yeah yeah and it's so sorry to bother you keyboard i don't remember it specifically

Alexlet me see if i can find it i did the first time i might i don't know i must have talked about it on a podcast somewhere or something but there's this shot and it's close up of the keyboard and he just hits the button and then it's when he does i see i don't even want to spoil it that's when like that's like the first time the craziness happens okay okay okay but did somebody know that

Merlinthat was something that how did somebody know that's something you wanted i don't know i i mean

Alexi wasn't like man i really i really want this prop from this movie i must i'm like that i'm not no i

Merlindon't have a problem with that alex i went on not it might have been ebay it might have been ebay one of the like four things i ever bought on ebay i bought the version of a panasonic boom box that John Darnielle used to record his early albums.

Speaker BYes, yes, yes, yes, yes.

MerlinThat's, I mean, I am not insensitive to the desire to own totems, believe me.

AlexWell, that's the thing. I did not-

MerlinBut then I said to myself, does this spark joy?

AlexDoes it? I feel like it would spark. I was like, does this keyboard spark joy? And I'm like, oh yeah. And now it's next to my vintage, my vintage iMac cat bed.

MerlinYour vintage iMac cat bed. Okay. That's Sounds like a lot of joy got sparked

AlexThere's a lot Showing off your junk Uh huh That's cool

MerlinThat sounds really nice How did they find out If you can say without spoiling the effect How did they find out that's a thing you wanted

AlexI don't know And I don't know

MerlinOh Max is probably involved Ruining dinner again with one of his effects

AlexOh did you see that on the internet

MerlinI couldn't watch I saw a floating dollar bill and I close the cab. Max needs to stop doing this. This is a form of assault. It's a form of caped assault.

Speaker BI never thought...

MerlinDoes he ask first? Does he ask permission before he does a trick? It's already happening and you don't know what to do?

AlexYeah, it's do you want to see a car trick? Do you want to see a car trick? It's like...

Speaker BDoesn't matter what you say. I'm gonna do it for you anyway. Then I'll go away. You used to be my employee, but now you're not because you wouldn't watch my trick.

Oh, man.

MerlinI'll say, Alex, please call us. I'm calling all of her Skype numbers. Oh, God. you're like loki you just you're like a combination of like loki and like i just pressing all the buttons i want something to happen but you're like you're like a tumbleweed you just you just show up and you start spinning and screaming and it's it's so you're such an element of chaos in whatever you enter um alex please call us hot snakes what

Speaker AI love snakes.

MerlinI love luxury. Oh, wait. Is that her? Hello?

AlexHello.

MerlinHey.

AlexSorry to interrupt. You know what? Okay. One, we decided to take a little restroom break. Two, I have a vagina. It takes longer. Three, the horror that one experiences when they see that they're getting a Skype call from their boss, a video Skype call from their boss while in a bathroom.

MerlinI just discussed this, Alex. He's an element of chaos. Everything he does, he called all of your numbers. Everything's bouncing. He's screaming.

Speaker BI never thought this was a horror I've experienced in my life. And he's a magical assaulter.

MaxAll this has to stop. You've got to stop the effects. I'm sorry I was late. I do want to say that I was late because... 47 minutes, but what? No, I was receiving an award from the Gillette Razor Corporation.

Speaker ABecause I was being recognized as a woke Twitter ally. On behalf of Mr. Timkin, we're going to eat a ninth blade. This blade is called Max. It's going to be called the Gillette Max.

MerlinThe Gillette Max.

Speaker AGet woke.

MerlinShave that shit.

Speaker BI hate it so much.

MerlinI can't wait. Can I just stipulate? I know there's a thing out there where Gillette did an ad saying the men shouldn't be jerks. I've seen the backlash and the backlash to the backlash. This is a big week for backlash to backlash. And all the guys, all the like own the libs people are mad because it's testosterone. Women shave.

MaxWell, they're all flushing their Gillette razors down the toilet.

MerlinThat's a good idea.

MaxWhich is very funny.

AlexIt's very funny.

MerlinHiring plumbers to own the libs.

AlexThey're breaking them in half and cutting themselves.

MerlinOh, my God. Okay, somebody give me the rundown on this, please. Give me the full rundown. Take your time.

MaxI don't know what to add other than what you said. I mean, it's amazing how much. To me, I guess, I don't have a take. My only take is it's just incredible that how much, I guess, of our contemporary discourse, people are willing to be like, what does a razor company think about gender politics? Really? We're all going to talk about this now? Like, it's just amazing that it just, like, it just, like, captured, like, every, it's just, like, everyone just walks right into the mousetrap every time, and now I have to talk about it.

MerlinAnd it all becomes about, it isn't even so much about what happened, it becomes about, it seems as an outsider, it becomes about reacting to the reactions.

Speaker BRight.

AlexI. Well, that's what I'm doing. Okay. It was so, you wake up in the morning, and as you do, go on Twitter and see all your friends retweeting an ad. And I thought, oh, it's going to be a wholesome funny ad, like an Apple holiday ad. Instead, it's this creepy horror film about it's all shot like a Zack Snyder situation.

It's so weird. Can we gather around, people? Look at all of these men who could be rapists, but they're not. It's so weird.

MaxIt's like, men, men, it's time to nut up. The Gillette Corporation is calling on you to become a soft boy.

AlexStop assaulting women. Gillette shave with soy you dick and then my other favorite tweets where people being like I rather switch to a women's razor like Venus than buy Gillette who owns Venus it's like every razor company is owned by uh Procter and Gamble that owns Gillette and Venus and it's just

MerlinI can think of two guys who were tired of paying a lot for razors and they decided to buy a German

Alexfactory i was wondering were they just so mad about the german factory why is harry's not speaking

Merlinup i don't want to get into what you call call out culture but i think it's time for harry and

Alexdollar shade club speak up at this point yes and and blip and all of the great subscription services yeah now there's lady once uh you got gloggum all the great razors hey if you want to skip a month

Merlinyou just go in and tell your stylist just skip this month for me they pick up they pick a razor

Maxfor you every month. What was that one called The Scrazer? And it was the one on Indiegogo that shaved you with a superheated laser. Yeah. And it's just obviously a scam, but everyone's real mad about it.

MerlinSo Alex, the ad itself, which I still have not seen, it didn't land for you?

Speaker BNo, it's a gigantic...

AlexIt's Procter & Gamble telling men not to rape women.

MerlinIs it virtue signaling? Are they virtue signaling?

MaxMerlin, a number of Our grown ass adult male friends and colleagues who you and I and Alex personally know posted this video on Twitter yesterday and in all urges said this ad made me cry. You need to see this. Watch all the way to the end. Yeah. Thank you for your service.

AlexYou know what? I'm not going to shame anybody for enjoying an ad. I typically cry at the Apple and John Lewis Christmas ads every year, but I don't like suddenly go outside.

Speaker AIt's a photo of Lin-Manuel Miranda using a computer. Oh, my God. He's in the outfit. Now I can finish.

AlexOh, you know, speaking of, it's somebody's birthday today.

Speaker ABirthday, birthday boy.

MerlinHow many Spanx for you? 31? 31? 31. I think I'm 32.

AlexYou're 33 years old.

MerlinWait, am I 33? Is this a trick? Is this a magic trick?

AlexOh, and I was talking about Lin-Manuel Miranda, but if we want to make it about Max, okay. All right.

MerlinYeah, what's he done for Puerto Rico lately?

AlexWhere's your prize deal?

MerlinMaria.

AlexWait, hang on.

MerlinOh, God. Philosophy major. No, I'm 32.

AlexOh, nice. Oh, I have it on my calendar, Ron. I'm sorry. No, thank God I'm 32.

MaxNo, I was born in 1987, and it's 2019 now, so I'm 32.

MerlinOh, thank God. That's when I was a philosophy major.

MaxNice. probably like uh was in a fugue state for a year and trump was still president oh boy

Merlinthis is i my my friend jason snell and i use this phrase a lot it's called dropping a decade when you start doing that when you try to instantly recall when something happened and you get it wrong by a decade it's a hell of a feeling oh my god that weezer album came out 10

Maxyears ago sorry i mean 20 years ago oh no i still well i still think of the 80s as being 20 years

Alexago. Yeah.

MerlinIt's like Doctor Who. It's like a fixed point in time. Like you've got some kind of an idea about something that becomes the

MaxDoesn't it seem like the 90s were 10 years ago and the 80s were 20 years ago? 100%. I miss the aughts. Like it's weird just for math purposes. It's weird that the 90s were 20 years ago. I think I could collapse the No wait. God damn it. They're 30 years ago. No no no no

AlexThey're 27 and a half years ago. So it is 30 years ago. No, it's 27 and a half years. I am not 30 years old. 27 and a half years.

MaxSo the 90s were 30 years ago. The 80s were 40 years ago. Yes. So you know what's crazy is the 80s are as far away now as World War II was when I was born.

AlexAre you a BuzzFeed article today? What's happening?

MaxOnly 90s kids will understand Max. I was born closer to the construction of the pyramids to when the Weezer album came out.

MerlinThat's so interesting. I was looking up today. It says, we are as far today from Elvis Presley doing Jailhouse Rock as Jailhouse Rock was from The Invention of the Trumpet. I read that today.

AlexNo.

MerlinHave you seen the Brimley Cocoon line account?

AlexNo.

MerlinWhat's that? Brimley Cocoon? Is that the guy who has the diet?

MaxYeah, the diabetes.

Speaker AThe results have been in Grebitor. Diabetes.

MaxSaturday is treat day. Who's Brimley? Brimley Cocoon sounds like an Instagram famous cat. Look at that.

Speaker AMe like pancakes. Oh, Brimley Cocoon.

MerlinThis will not, because you're 90s kids, this won't mean as much to you, but there's a Twitter account.

AlexMax is an 80s kid. I'm a 90s kid. Go on.

MerlinWell, just because when you're pointing, well, you weren't a sentient kid then. Nevermind. Fuck it. You guys don't deserve it. You haven't earned this. Nevermind.

MaxNo, my first memories, What was really cool was people wearing big trench coats and then those tiny little skinny glasses. Oh, like Matrix. Matrix style was very cool. But do you know those 90s glasses where everyone had those real? I've been seeing a lot of that on those glow up posts that have been being done. Where for a while, everyone had little tiny rectangles on their face.

MerlinOh, like a fantasy ecla. Kind of like everything's coming to it. Yeah, that's a little bit of a throwback. Yes. Yes.

MaxWhat is that? Those look horrible. We're just the right distance away from that, that those look insane now.

MerlinSo Wilford Brimley, the actor, was I think 51 years old. Whatever 18,530 days old is. Wilford Brimley was that age when he was in the old person movie Cocoon. And so this Twitter account, which I'm obsessed with, points out celebrities who have now reached the age that Wilford Brimley was in Cocoon.

And it's pretty wild for somebody my age. Damon Albarn from Blur is the age that Wilford Brimley was in Cocoon

AlexNone of these words mean anything to me

MerlinHave you ever seen Cocoon? The movie Cocoon?

AlexNo

MerlinDo you watch Golden Girls right?

AlexI do yes

MerlinOkay imagine like Golden Girls at a retirement home La la la Now anyway Fuck it moving on Alex I sent you a picture of my jeans gray

AlexThe one in the middle who looks like she I get that she's supposed to be lifting something

Merlinin the air. No, I didn't pose them. I thought we were going to just pee and come back to the program. Oh, wait. I just abruptly set them up.

AlexSo then she has the... So she did not come in that position.

MerlinOh, my God. Phrasing. God damn it. Phrasing.

Speaker BYou did this to me.

MerlinSo left to right, in no particular order, left to right is her as the Black Queen, her as Dark Phoenix, a little version of her as Phoenix, a big version of her as Phoenix, and then her as the mostly original

AlexMarvel Girl. The middle one is there's a lot of dust on my keyboard did you notice that i wasn't going to comment um

Merlindid you want to comment on the other picture that shows you what my desk looks like did you

Alexhave remarks or questions the thing is at this point i it is actually after listening to so many programs it is kind of what i expected did that dust bring you joy merlin does it spark joy yeah Yeah, it's exactly.

You know what? I was surprised by the Canada dried sparkling water can only because I thought it looked different because I'm a LaCroix person.

MerlinDoes that can spark joy? Shit. Yeah. Shit, dog. Yeah. So what do we got here? We got the I'm working on getting a show number two for work. I don't like the show number one, but you can see my daughter on my Amazon show. USB pre. I got some I got some masking tape. Oh, I got, you know, a Max. lower right under the iMac screen. That's your dongle wire. I'm loving this dongle wire. I bought

Maxthree of them. I'm already onto a better one that I found at the container store. Fuck me gently. I bought three of these. Well, wait a minute, because I found a 6FC. I found a six-foot cord. You've got a 6FC? I found a

Speaker A6FC. Oh, that would change the game. And it's braided. I like the braided ones, too.

MaxIt's braided and it's a 6FC.

MerlinIf you want a cable that wants to be straight, you want braided. If you want one that likes the coil, you might like an unbraided. But I love the braided i bought braided on all my minis my reversible minis you get into reversibles you ever get into those no no i'm sure you have alex it's the ones where you could put you can get a usb to whatever the one is that's a tiny trapezoid um is that mini or that is mini okay uh you can get a usb to mini that is you can't put it in wrong the usb the usba and the mini are both if you like

reversible. There's no wrong way. You're no longer playing that 50% of the time, did I get it in the right way? Any way you put it in is right, if you know what I mean. Sorry, phrasing. This is my Buddha, my Buddha. You can see my Ewok. I've got my John from They Might Be Giants nasal stuff, salt. Oh, Kershaw. Got the Kershaw.

Yeah. So anyway, that's my desk. Brimley Cocoon. Brimley Cocoon.

Speaker AI'm three today. day.

MaxBon, bon, bon, bon. Bon, bon.

Speaker AI'm Brimley Cocoon. I can't have diabetes.

MaxWe had the diabetes conversation Diabetes medication

Speaker AKids with diabetes only

MaxOnly children with afflictions What if someone's listening to this for the first time I mean they're gone now

Speaker AEspecially because we did a tight 25

Maxbefore this that is bean nannas let me let me ask you guys a question i have a discussion topic okay i don't mean to i don't want to you know i don't want to force it but can i can i bring up a discussion topic that i've got here please do yes do you guys have any sort of morning routine that you do when you wake up of course yes tell me about it what do you do how do you wake up first

Alexof all oh how do you wake up okay so i typically wake up before my alarm i should say that this is only in the past like three months or so, but I wake up typically without an alarm at 7 a.m. I have a backup alarm for 7.30 on my Apple Watch that like, what's it called? Auto-wake, there we go. That goes like, bzzz, bzzz.

MerlinAre you doing auto-wake?

AlexYeah, yeah.

MerlinYou're doing the companion to the sleep app?

AlexNo, because I use...

MerlinOkay, sorry, sorry, I interrupted you. I apologize, go ahead.

AlexI use the different one because that one, And that one is too smart for me.

MerlinIt's too complicated.

AlexIt looks like a very upsetting clock.

MerlinIt's so fucking complicated. I'm terrified it's going to go off in the middle of the night because I stir.

AlexSorry.

MerlinWe want to let Max get to his bit. We've got to finish.

AlexSorry. Okay. No, this is an actual good suggestion.

Speaker AYou guys ever have a situation where you're waiting in line at this particular Starbucks and somebody with a hat walks in? You guys go first.

Speaker BI'm going to tell you the story. I'm going to tell you the story. Hey, you guys. It's going to be an old story.

Speaker AThere's no bit.

Speaker BWednesday is bit day.

Speaker AMax has arrived 47 minutes late and has an anecdote.

MaxHey, guys. You got some questions? I've written my jokes out on note cards in advance of the podcast.

Speaker AJoke number two. Coming in hot. Hot hands, big content. Did you ever give your name as Trump at a Starbucks and then wait a long time to get it to own the libs.

Did you ever do a home pregnancy test in the restroom of a Starbucks? Did you ever ask a workman to check out your junk?

MaxBit number three. I was flushing my Gillette razor down the toilet the other day.

Speaker Athis washington post is not accurate but it is quite humorous the conservatives or the what was

Maxit the liberal like libs like sent had this meme where they were sending roses to nancy pelosi and then and then the conservative dsa roses i don't know i don't understand it and then the conservatives had a counter meme where they sent bricks to nancy pelosi to like build the wall or whatever and i just saw like a picture of the bricks being sent to her office and it's like i fucking i fucking hate our politics it's so i hate all of it i hate all did you see the fake washington post they were giving out oh outside the white house where it's like trump resigns yeah trump leaves abruptly drunk drump leaves he's like an orange cheeto he hates it when we say that he

Merlinhates when we call him that so alex you you get up in the morning you do your pregnancy test you flush your razor down the toilet and then i drink you go to the bank and put your chicago

Alextribune in the toilet yep yep and then i drink an entire glass of water and uh and then shower and then i do we want to actually i i don't know if max is serious let's you know what alex alex let's keep it real short so we can get to his bit yeah exactly okay i read for 30 minutes then i take a shower and then i come to work the end all right merlin how about you feel so cold out that's a

Merlinthat's a really good question, Max. I get up in the morning, I make sure all of my robots are synced with my sleep and weight. I weigh myself, I have a seltzer, and I say hello to my family and make some coffee.

Speaker AWhat are you doing in the morning, Max? Do you have a morning routine

Maxeven? Oh, Merlin, thank you so much for asking me that. Well, I've got a little schedule to read to you here. 7.45 a.m. I wake up having had, on average, seven hours and 41 minutes of sleep. I have analyzed my sleep over the past four years and I know this is the perfect amount for me. I turn on the near-infrared light at the end of my bed and sit there for seven minutes meditating to focus my mind for the day ahead. I take shots of probiotics and Quentin Isotonic, a supplement that comes from plankton and contains enzymes to help me stay

hydrated. My name's Quentin Isotonic. And a glass of filtered water. 8 a.m. Take a shower using natural products as the chemicals found in shampoo and shower gels can be toxic. Weigh myself and use a litmus test strip to measure the urine pH levels. For pudding, room temperature water.

8.20 a.m. I turn on my human charger, a device that looks like an iPod with an earpiece that shines light into my ear to give me energy. And I make my bulletproof coffee using a tablespoon of coconut oil, some chaga mushroom powder, great for the immune system, and a little bit of potassium, colostrum, and collagen. I use a low mycotoxin coffee. Some brands contain mycotoxins, toxic chemicals generated by molds. While I'm having my coffee, I fill out a spreadsheet on my computer, inputting my weight, my urine, pH, my hydration, and how well I've slept.

I then sync my OORA tracking ring, a sleeping and activity tracking device that I wear all day with my phone, and I look at the data on how well I've slept and how much deep and REM sleep I've had. Then I get dressed and I stand on my balcony in my flat in South London, which clears my mind. then I feed my mind by reading for 20 minutes. And it goes on like that for some time.

So this is an article. That's not my schedule. It was a bit. It will be.

MerlinIt will be. You're going to get some collagen in your coffee.

MaxYou'll do that. This is an article in the Times about what these people do for their daily schedule. I had to sign up for this thing and put a credit card into it to read it. I'm just going to save the HTML and give it to you. How do I do that? Oh, my God. What is it? Oh, it's just the Times website is like impossible to read.

MerlinOh, I'm a subscriber.

Speaker ANot the New York. No, it's some other weird Times. Oh, it's called literally the Times. Yeah.

MaxNo, no. You have to pay.

Speaker BOh, no.

MaxBut they finally got me. I mean, I had to. They put a big X on the ground and they were like, here, step into this X if you want to see what the crazy rich people do.

MerlinYeah, I saw this getting passed around and screenshotted. This is amazing. It's fucking wild. The thing in the ear is a mind blower. That's amazing. You shoot a light in your ear, and what does that do? It brings sparks joy?

MaxSomething. 5.55 a.m., I wake up and immediately rehydrate. Your body is the most absorbent after you sleep. Well, that's science. That's true. So the first thing you put in is the most important. I have a glass of Rebel Kitchen raw coconut water and dilute it with a normal – wait. What? Hang on. Listen to this. I have a glass of Rebel Kitchen raw coconut water. You should be drinking slightly pink coconut water, not white, as it's more concentrated. Yeah, it's fresher. It's fresher. You don't want white. It's more concentrated. And then I dilute it with a normal water at a ratio of two to one.

Wait, what?

Speaker BWhat? Okay.

MaxUh-huh.

Speaker BUh-huh. Okay.

MerlinI take multivitamins and vitamin C boosters. And then I just sit quietly for a while thinking about how great it is that I definitely don't have a spectrum disorder.

MaxMerlin, it's funny that you mention that because what her next thing is is then I do some meditation where I might recite my mantras. One of them is, quote, all my relationships are harmonious and full of love. He's imagining him crying.

Speaker AEvery mantra should be uttered while crying. Oh, man. That's fucking wild. That's fucking wild.

MaxAll my relationships are harmonious and full of love.

Speaker AThat's also been incredible.

MaxAll my relationships are harmonious and full of love.

Speaker BAct now.

MerlinCall now. Call now. That's it. I'm sending you screenshots of my fitness pal. Jesus. That's crazy. No.

Well, you missed the part where Alex and I talked about peeing on a stick.

AlexYeah.

MerlinBecause we're stick peering now.

AlexFor your ketosis?

MaxKetosis. Are you both doing that? My parents are doing that.

AlexThe thing is, doing it by doing it, I mean, I'm just trying not to eat many carbs. Stop it.

MaxI mean, it's horrible. It's horrible. I mean, I'm sure we'll get notes, but it's horrible for you. It's really bad for your health in general.

Speaker BI don't know about that.

MaxI mean, I do think you lose weight, but it's terrible for your health.

MerlinIt depends. It depends. It depends. It depends. If you have conditions like I have, it can have a salutary effect.

AlexMm-hmm. Mm-hmm. And if you have a brain like me, yep.

MerlinIf you've got autoimmunes, if you've got autoimmunes, cutting out the gluten makes a difference.

AlexMm-hmm. Yeah. Well, you can't judge.

MerlinIt takes all kinds.

AlexI'm not, like, making fat bombs as much as those look delicious. Fat bumps.

Speaker ATry my tasty fat bumps. Oh, shit, Merlin.

MerlinWe got a reply from Lisa. She's already back? I just saw you email me. Okay.

AlexWhat? Huh?

MerlinMax has been receiving an email from a woman who says she's in Chicago and wants to see him.

MaxI get a new kind of spam where an email address that's just Lisa emails me and says, Hello, Max. I'm here in Chicago. And I've been getting that a couple times a week.

MerlinWell, she does have an AOL account, so that checks out.

MaxIt somehow makes it through the Gmail spam filter. I don't know how. So I just replied back.

Speaker AUh-huh.

MaxSo she said, hello, Max. I'm here in Chicago.

Speaker AI don't think she's responded yet, has she?

MaxOh, yes. We got it. Oh, I see. You didn't get BCC. Hang on. Let me forward this.

MerlinYeah, make sure I'm in the loop on this.

MaxYeah.

MerlinLoop me in.

MaxOkay, I just sent it.

MerlinWe should cut over to Spark and do a group email with her. Mm-hmm. Hmm. It's phrasing. Do you want to see my junk?

Speaker AOkay. Did you get that, Merlin? I hope it didn't go to spam. Well, I mean, it is spam, so. Okay. Yeah, see, that's the problem. You're locked in here with me.

MerlinLet's see. I don't think I'm getting it. Important. Oh, let's see. Oh, yeah, would love to meet with you. Oh, okay, so Max, what are yo doing? I am 30, lonely housewife that is looking for an affair. I'm ready to try almost anything in the bedroom. So if you want to see my selfies, you can see them right here, and there's a link to my photos. Well, Max, we haven't talked about this. We should probably, as they say, negotiate this. But I think the three of us should work out some kind of an affair. Would you be into that?

AlexWhat is happening?

MaxI think I'm the Mr. Wonderful in this situation, so I'm going to need some sort of royalties.

MerlinOh, that's a really good point because you're already so into it. You know what you love? You love weddings and funerals because people spend very emotionally. And I think that's true for Chicago Affairs.

Speaker ARight.

MerlinAOL, okay. Well, you know, I'm email fluid.

MaxI was looking for do you guys ever go to wipe and you wish that there was some sort of spray that you could put on the toilet paper

Speaker BI thought that was a good idea I thought it was a good idea you can ask you guys a question I thought it was a good idea okay what's happening

Merlinwhat was happening Alex are you doing a bespoke wipe spray

Alexno on Shark Tank there was a product that's like basically it was a Fatberg prevention device where instead of using a pre-moistened wipe on your ass.

MerlinYou take toilet paper and it sprays emoluments on it.

AlexYou just spray the toilet paper.

MaxOkay. Okay, that's cool. So it's less dry and abrasive.

AlexWell, and also you don't ruin the office toilet, which is what appeals to me. Man, I went on

Maxwhen I was in college, my college only sprung for this awful single ply sand. Oh, like Scott.

MerlinLike a Scott, like a real nasty toilet paper.

MaxIt was so bad. And I took it up with the college, and I couldn't even figure out who made the purchasing decision. I couldn't figure it out. But I eventually contacted the—I figured out the vendor for the toilet paper, and I contacted them, and I said, I'm with the college, and I want to meet with you to discuss the supply of toilet paper to the college. And we had the trade rep come out to our college, and they brought samples. And then I brought the samples to various administrators in the college. and I never was able to successfully switch the toilet paper over for the college.

But I was always like... Good for trying. Good for you for trying. I spent a year of my life just trying to get better toilet paper for the college. But I'm telling you, like, you know, listen, I was at Chipotle the other day. And do you guys remember, did you guys ever go to Chipotle right when it opened, when it was an exciting new restaurant?

AlexI don't think so.

MerlinI remember there was a lot of buzz. there's a lot of buzz about like wow for this kind of quick dining experience the quality is like surpassingly high and yeah that was the buzz for a long time well it was like this is a fundamentally

Maxdifferent kind of qsm dining experience i used to we had i think we had a i don't know if it was early in the national scale or not but there was a chipotle where around where i grew up and and um one of my one of the highlights for me is that you would you would get your your burrito bowl made and then when you went to you check out and then there were all these like awesome condiments by like the drink station. So they would have all these kind of cool hot sauces.

MerlinOh, like at a real authentic taco place where you could make your own. Yeah, I love that in a burrito place.

MaxWell, the main thing was they had all these different hot sauces, and then they had like a little bin of limes. And you just grab fresh lime, and you blast it on your burrito bowl. And it adds a little fresh lime in that burrito bowl. It really wakes it up. Game changer. Yeah. I mean, it really tastes very fresh.

MerlinI do that with my pho. But that ability to add cilantro and lime to something elevates the entire meal.

MaxSo Chipotle used to be like that. And then over time, they got rid of the limes, but they had a bin of lemons. And so I would still hit the burrito bowl with a lemon. And it wasn't quite as good. It was a little junkier, but it was at least some sort of, you know, acid on it. And then now when I went in there and they got rid of the lemons. There's no free citrus available at all. It's just plastic silverware that you can take out. And they get rid of the hot sauces, too. And it's like they used that to me was like one of the defining elements of the Chipotle experience. and then you know they had some consultant come in and say,

hey, actually you could save $47 million a year if you got rid of the free lemon slices.

MerlinBecause of the buying, the cutting, the refilling, like every aspect of that, like this would be a no-brainer for you to take this joyful thing and instantly save $40 a day.

AlexNo, that was always the plan. Like it was a bait and switch. Oh, you think they did it Jeff Bezos? Yeah, absolutely. Oh, I see.

MaxFirst one's free.

AlexUh-huh.

MaxWell, they're getting the market share. They do care about customer. What do they care about? profit they care about customer acquisition it's about acquisition yeah now they've got us by the short and curlies that's so unpleasant yeah i mean you know it's like it's the same thing with the toilet paper at the college of like you know back in the in the heyday when everyone could you know when when the economy worked and everyone could go to college for a hundred dollars they probably had two luxurious two-ply toilet paper and then at some point the consultants came in and they were like oh you could save up fifteen hundred dollars a year if you switch to sandpaper

MerlinShit dog, taking a dump during the Johnson administration would be a joy. Everything was so overfunded.

MaxWell, I think you'd have some sort of croupier who would come and bring you moist towelettes to wipe with.

MerlinSomebody would come in there. Would it be somebody who was like from your kind of age and class bracket? Or would they intentionally try to lean on how fun it is that you've got your own like, Porterhouse, please deliver my moisture.

Speaker AHe has tongs and hands them under the door to you. Yeah, a bathroom croupier. I think that's I think that's for roulette but I'm not sure

Merlinit sounds fancy though right a croupier like when you say something like croupier or like sommelier if you had a wipeier yes there we go a moistier

Speaker Aporterhouse please deliver my moisture yes Mr. Max and iron my newspapers One dollar

MaxOh we have fun Dress me

AlexAre we going to talk about the thing?

Speaker AWe should talk about the thing

MerlinWe'll talk about 9-11 another time

Alex9-11? Are we going to talk about the hamburgers at all?

MaxOh, I feel like we got to have Dr. Don on for this. Merlin, I saw that you said something about that. What is Dr. Don? I mean, I'm genuinely, maybe I'm missing it. What is it? Dr. Don talking about a food safety issue with the hamburgers?

MerlinOh, no. Well, so a few days ago, our president agreed to have the football team come to the White House. They had won some football games. And he said, in this real mangled way, said, you know, many people are not here. They were going to have the kind of food that they would really enjoy. So long story short, please read the Washington Post article about this. The Philip Bomp article about this is amazing. It includes a diagram of where the food. My man P-Bomp.

Speaker AHave you seen P-Bomp? Have you seen his article about this?

MerlinMy main man. My main man P-Bomp. Main man. System of main man. Check out that. So long story short, Trump decides to, and this all happened like relatively quickly. You get him in his big boy overcoat standing in this area where they have now had delivered pizza, McDonald's, Wendy's, Burger King. They're on silver platters. Where was the pizza from?

Speaker BI think it was Domino's. It was indeed.

MerlinYeah.

Speaker BDomino's.

MaxThey want ladies to have babies. Domino's isn't bad. I mean, sometimes that's what kind of, you know, it's its own. It's like Subway. It's like Subway. It's consistent.

MerlinIt's its own thing. It's a comforting junk. But, okay, so, I mean, I'm just doing a rough timeline here. This is why I feel like we need Dr. Don. Like, I heard that he was, he tutored about how he was getting burgers for these big boys. And then there's the scene of him. He's a very busy man. He's in the White House. Why are the Democrats coming over? And he's in his overcoat. He loves this overcoat now. He's in his overcoat, like speaking extemporaneously as all the burger boys run around lighting candles and making everything real pretty.

And I'm just thinking, like, if I get Postmates to deliver me like Jack in the Box, even if they're real good about it, it's still not very good in the 20 minutes since it was made. I feel like this was, I feel like, I can't say, and this is why we need Dr. Don, I feel like those Big Mac were sitting in those piles for at least an hour, probably two hours. What's your gut on this? I mean, before we get to the safety and tastiness, how long do you think they were out?

MaxI see where you're going now with this. You're right. Those would be disgusting.

MerlinBut they would be, wouldn't you say, would you stipulate at least an hour, they were out at least an hour?

AlexOh, but that's the thing, too. It's not just like they came.

MaxAlso, they're not, those burgers aren't all made at the same time. That's the other thing. No. Even before they leave the restaurant, because he ordered 100 burgers. So even before they left the restaurant, the first 80 were already probably sitting there for 45 minutes.

AlexAnd they have to be inspected.

MerlinIf you get a Chicago, a busy Chicago McDonald's burger and eat it within a minute, it is one of the great things in the world. Almost any fast food in a busy restaurant. I've said this for years, but it's true. I worked at McDonald's. I used to steal burgers right off the grill when I was cooking them. A very, very, very, very fresh fast food, fresh fries, fresh burger is an American wonder. But even, let's say, what, 10 minutes later? 10 minutes later of a steamy Big Mac sitting in that box, you know that bottom bun. You know the heel of that thing is just wet at that point.

It's a wet burger. You got a big table full of steamed hams. You got steamed hams? That's the term from upstate New York. No, but think about all those things. You've got the special sauce seeping into probably the middle part. You follow me on this? Like even just, let's just, before we get to the deliciousness, whatever you want to take it in, I'm here to say that if fast food sat in a heated room.

MaxI think the newspaper and the meat is really going to sog up at that point. You want to develop your flavor profile. I think it might eat a little soggy. Big, bold flavors. I think it eats a little wet. It eats a little cardboard. Yeah.

MerlinSo jump in anywhere you want, but I would not be surprised if they sat there for at least an hour and a half. And I have had, I don't know if I've ever eaten a piece of fast food that was in a heated room for an hour and a half. Remember, it's cold there. It's fucking cold. It's snowing there.

MaxI was just looking through my jokes to see if I wrote anything about this. And the only thing I had is I got into a really stupid, I got in a very stupid Twitter fight last night about this, but that's the only thing I had about it.

Speaker AWhat happened? What happened?

MaxI was, you know, our friend of the show, Nick Kikonis, who's the owner of Alinea Next and Royster and all those. Oh, yeah.

MerlinHe also did his own version of Open Table. Was that him?

MaxYeah. They have TOC, the restaurant ticketing system. But Nick was on, a friend of the show, he was on back when this was a Top Chef podcast to talk to us about Restaurant Wars. Nick is a dear friend. And he made a tweet where he was like, what was that team? They're like the- Clemson-Tigers? Utah Panthers or something.

MerlinThe team that was there, I think, was Clemson.

MaxI don't know anyway and he was like so Nick was like he goes I could care less about college football but I'm personally inviting the Clemson Tigers team and the coaches to Chicago to experience what an actual celebration dinner should be I'm not joking someone let them know what the Alinea group does it'll be worth it and first of all all credit to Nick that's actually like a brilliant marketing scheme and he got fucking 4,000 engagements on it or whatever like it's a good tweet I should have thought of that like like offered to take the team to a better meal but uh so i'm just i guess that's why people

jumped on this because it has like it has like so many engagements but i just replied back to nick because i i just give nick a hard time and i was like nick to be fair i'm not convinced that i've ever had any dish at a restaurant that was better than a big mac ratio and that did not go over well uh so then nick replies back and he goes nothing wrong with fast food from time to time but when you knock off a national championship it's time to teach our youth that their experiences to strive for moving forward in life it's performative that's perform well it's like i i don't maybe i

i don't know what i don't know why why do i do anything on twitter why that's a sir that's a sir tweet that's such a sir tweet why does anyone do anything on twitter because i'm just punishing myself but and i was like yeah yeah obviously the president is a monster but i was like but then i was like let's not pretend that fine dining tastes better than mcdonald's like like i do i i did and No, I stand by this. The team doesn't want some sort of fucking fancy dinner.

MerlinI would take a fresh quarter pounder with cheese and a large order of fries over a ton of fine dining experience.

MaxYes, exactly. And I said, give me a focus group and Chef Mike, my friend who's the test chef at McDonald's. And I said, we'll destroy your most expensive prawn balloon or edible table or whatever. Oh, my God.

Speaker AWhy are you doing this? Don't do this.

MaxAnd people got so mad at me. I got so many replies. of people going, getting so mad at me. One woman goes, Mr. Kokonis, I believe you need to invite Mr. Temkin to Alinea to show him what actual good food is.

Speaker ASir.

MaxAnd then I replied back and I was like, no thanks. I ate in an Olive Garden one time and it wasn't good, so I don't like restaurants.

Speaker AI'm not there, I'm not family. Someone goes, is this satire? Honestly, I am confused or possibly sad for you. Is this satire is a world-class way to start a tweet.

Maxand someone else goes

Speaker AI really have to put Big Macs at the very bottom

Maxof my own list of eats all kinds of seafood and pastas are at the top all of the as one of the players commented that meal was more of a middle school field trip than a championship celebration pwned I'm a Terrazano's girl I guess you have your personal croupier serve you lobster every night If you ever saw me eating a McDonald's hamburger Your fucking monocle would pop out

Speaker APorterhouse, porterhouse, use the long tongs And pass me my lobster under the stall

MaxA croupier Make up a fresh organic cat food For a brimly cocoon I got in one

MerlinBefore we go to our topic, you guys don't watch SNL at all at all, right?

AlexOccasionally. I'm going to be that person. When I know someone who's made a thing on SNL, I'll occasionally watch it.

MerlinOkay. I will not make you watch this now, but in the after show, I would like us to please watch this very good sketch together that I sent you.

MaxItalian restaurant. Oh, man. Did you see the oil baron guy that my friend Eli wrote? oh yeah

Speaker Byes

Maxoil baron guy yeah yeah career it's called career I'm gonna find don't worry about it we'll watch it we'll make a little SNL playlist

Merlinoh oh no no no that's the greatest no no no my daughter and I watch that twice a week oh no look at me boy

Speaker Bgrind him into dirt

AlexI miss Eli

Maxyeah former cards contributor Eli Mandel wrote that yeah it's so good you're weak like HR Pickett yeah that's our That's our dear friend, Elon Mandel, who's toured all around the country with us doing our car live show.

MerlinThat's the greatest, that is easily the greatest sketch of the year. I mean, the writing is great, but Adam Driver's fucking, have you seen this, Alex? Yes. His commitment to that character is unbelievable.

Speaker ACrush him! And then he nails it. He nails it. He hits the bird with the cane and you're like, how did he do that in live? You're weak like HR Pickens.

and then the ending the twist at the end is so fucking dark sired you from my loins he's got a croupier you know he's got a croupier okay

Alexchallenge this week's challenge was uh alex's it was um the challenge this week was to use the Muse to headband to meditate.

And you know what? I'll go first. I'll make this easier. I think I lost mine, my unopened Muse to. And for that reason, I'm out.

MerlinI have a feeling this could be very fast. Max?

AlexI got a feeling.

Speaker AI got a feeling, Max. Okay. Here's the deal. All right. After show. After show. I have my Muse, too. You have an excuse note written in peanut butter.

MaxIt's fine.

Speaker AIt was a lame challenge. It's fine.

MaxNo, it wasn't. No, I really want to play with it.

Speaker BYeah.

MaxI promise. I'll have my homework tomorrow. I have it sitting by my bedside, and there's like on the box. I haven't opened it, but on the box, there's like a QR code, and it's like scan here for the Muse app, and every time I look at it, I get so tired.

Speaker BBut you're just going to...

Show notes

Transcript

115. Junk Boys

Show notes

Transcript

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