116. Reply Guy

AlexThis is Do By Friday, a weekly challenge podcast with Merlin Mann, Alex Cox and Max Temkin. This week's challenge, find a weird SNL sketch.

MaxHello.

AlexHello. Max looks very cold.

MaxI'm cold. but I'm you know what I'm cold from is doing all this journalism that we've done it's fucking Robert Redford and Dustin Hoffman on the ones and twos coming at you from Dubai Friday behind the wheels of truth I think that I'm probably I'm um well I think I'm probably I'm Carl Bernstein but I also want to be Robert Redford that's fine if I mean if I have my if Buy my pick, you know?

MerlinAlex, you could be Ben Bradley. Put your feet up on the desk. Why don't you send a picture of Julia Roberts to the thread? What was that?

AlexShe's also a great investigator. That's all.

MerlinWas that, what was that? Not Silkwood. What was that? The PG&E one?

AlexNo, no. Erin Brockovich. Yes. Erin Brockovich. Everyone's favorite Academy Award winning film, Erin Brockovich.

MerlinI think your AI needs more training, I think.

AlexYeah, probably.

Speaker ASo you want to start with the journalism. No, I'm just, I'm so excited about it. This is the best.

MaxThere were a couple of things that happened this week that just made me so happy for this, like, cool little Dubai Friday world, and this was one of them.

MerlinYeah.

Speaker AIt made me very happy. We don't deserve it. We have really good listeners. Yeah.

MaxI also went to, this weekend, I went to Columbus, Ohio to visit the Billy Ireland Cartoon Museum, and that's awesome if you're anywhere in the Midwest or the Columbus area, definitely figure out some way to get a tour of that Billy Ireland Cartoon Museum. And then when I went down there, I had a little project I was doing with them. I couldn't get a hotel. And I was like, why would I not be able to get a hotel in Columbus, Ohio in January during a blizzard? Like, what is up with this? And then one of the hotels was like, we are like completely sold out for like MAGIFest

registrations. And I was like, stop right there. What's this? and there's a huge magic festival called Magifest and it's in Columbus. And so I just went. It was the same weekend I was there. So I got, so I wormed my way into this conference and it was awesome. I got to hang out with all these like famous magicians. And I took a workshop with Juan Tamariz, who's like the greatest, maybe the greatest living magician. It was amazing. And while I was there, I got, I met on like through Twitter

and just people saying hi, a number of Dubai Friday listeners at the Magifest convention. So thank you to everyone who said hi to me.

MerlinThat's good serendipity. Did you learn any new tricks? Sorry, effects?

MaxI did learn some. Yes.

MerlinI was walking down the street Sunday. I actually took a photo. I haven't sent it to you. And there was a two of hearts just sitting on the street.

Speaker AThat's one of the tricks I learned. I know.

MerlinI shat myself.

Speaker AI hate it so much. I hate it.

MaxI can't remember. I was in a fugue state last week. Did we talk about the MAGA teen?

Alexnope that happened on Saturday no Sunday

Maxso it hadn't happened yet it had not happened yet Alex you went to a Catholic school

Alexyep well I guess we're gonna go there

Speaker Aare we doing this though we have to do this I just have some questions okay shoot bring it on anybody else got an anecdote so according to all the replies on my Twitter

Maxjust wearing blackface to sporting events was like a big part of going to catholic school and it's just something i don't understand it's just a tradition it's just something

Alexthat you wouldn't understand it was just taken out of context you know all of our racially insensitive costumes at all if you watch the whole video they're also playing banjos yeah it's very culturally sensitive yeah we we really just like to leer at people silently as a number of our friends chant in the background um against marginalized people it's just the thing that

Merlinwe do people don't understand i was very upset the video um i'm avoiding this story like the plague it's just poison it's poison do you want me to explain it to you i could walk you through all the beats yeah yeah what's going on with that video what's what's happening we gotta take give me give me a take on the video i was just gonna say that the video that uh oh god i hate this the uh that the girls posted uh being taunted uh by the same boys that said uh it's not rape if

you enjoy it right it's uh an interesting exculpatory piece of evidence i don't know

Maxright and another and another video by another girl who walked by and got yelled at by them i mean what i mean i think it's obvious i think there's not even a i guess like the story to me is just in people's like reactions to it because it's like you know what's interesting is like So when Trump got elected, I spent – I still am reading fascism books, but I spent like two years reading fascism books. And I can't even – I haven't read a fiction book in years. I just – it's like I can't make my brain do it. And I just – I have a whole bookshelf full of Nazi books now. And all I started reading was like all the Hannah Arendt like Nazi books and Sartre and I don't know.

All these books are like fascism. And I literally have a whole – like there's a – I had a – I just had to move them when we organized the library. Because Veronica was like, your Nazi books are becoming pretty conspicuous in the living room. And a lot of them have like swastikas.

MerlinDid you decide to concentrate them?

MaxYeah. I isolated them. I created, what I did was I created some sort of encampment, some sort of concentrated encampment.

MerlinIt's like a containment area where you could wall them in.

MaxYeah. Right.

MerlinThey got to share housing with other books.

MaxSo one of the things that. Call it Warsaw. is in all these fascism books is like what was one of the things that they say is like it was so surreal like being alive in the 30s and the 40s in Europe as in the rise of fascism was like these things would happen like right in front of your eyes that were just plain like it was just you could just look at it and be like I see exactly what's happening here and yet the sort of social delusion of it all was such that people would pretend that it was

otherwise and and they would be the powerful people so then that's how it was and that and and there was a lot of writing about like keep a journal so that you can write down when this stuff happens because otherwise you will doubt your own sanity whenever when something plainly happens then everyone says otherwise and that's what happened here right like these kids were making fun of this old old native american man and there was a pair i guess a lot of protests on the hill and there was like the black israelites were were there and they were also yelling or

whatever but from that video like it was just so obvious what happened and you know what came out over the what's come out over this week is like that maga teen who was staring at the guy with just the most that kid is just just evil like that's that is an evil i know that look like i've been looked at like that of like you can't touch me do you know you know what i mean yeah it really

Merlinit really upset me but it's not that's that's what makes it i i don't love the word evil but that's the thing with a young person that you can recognize when you get a little bit older is a combination of i don't know you call it evil if you want but it's also kind of um confidence born of ignorance and of never having to face consequences too often like that kid's never had his ass kicked. And so he, he's, and again, he's, he's growing up and, and I, you know,

basically the Cincinnati airport is in Covington. So I know, I know this kid. I mean, I don't know him in particular, but I was raised in Cincinnati and I know my family and I know what was just normal to say and do in that area. I can't speak for Covington directly, but you know, I, I feel like I've known this kid and he's just, he's, he's never had his ass kicked and he's never had any reason one imagines to have to interpolate. He's never had a need to situate himself amongst other people and see what's really going on. Very few people, I'm guessing,

very few people in power that he's encountered have ever disabused him of thoughts and feelings and unintentional, unacknowledged cultural forces that lead you to be a kid who could go and do that and think it's okay.

AlexI kind of disagree with that because it's that look on his face that he knows it's not okay and it's not just that he's never been beaten up. He knows that he's protected. He know he won't be beaten up. He knows that this is going to get him more credit in the long run.

MerlinI don't think that's contradictory with what I was saying. He's never had reason to believe there's any consequences for being that confident and ignorant at the same time. Because it's what aligns, one imagines, I can't speak for him, but one imagines that that aligns with not just his friends around him, but his folks and the people at his school and the people at his parish. Like there's something about what he's doing that doesn't feel wrong to him.

AlexOn someone like someone on the Supreme Court who has done exactly the same thing as he and his friends probably will do and everything was fine. Like I.

MerlinI'm not I'm not I'm not excusing him. I'm just saying like I got friends in their 30s that have never had their ass kicked. And I'm not talking about being physically hit and beaten in a fight. I'm talking about the confidence you have of never having a colossal failure that forces you to look at how you have situated yourself in the world. You're allowed to just roll along feeling that everything is just fine. I'm avoiding the P word here, but that's what we're talking about. He rolls along through life feeling just fine because nobody's taking him down a peg for it. My example I've given before, and I know this is an old one, but this is really true. I was raised in Cincinnati until I was 12.

Then I moved to Central Florida. And then when I got my job, I moved to Tallahassee, which might as well be Georgia. And I had this realization. Then, of course, I moved to San Francisco. And I had this realization that curled my hair. I had never been, I can tell you, this is dead fucking honest. I had never in my then over 30 years of life on this planet been around a lot of powerful, competent black people in positions of power. I'm just being dead honest. I had not seen it.

All the black people in Tallahassee mostly live in an area called Newtown, which might as well be a ghetto. And they were treated terribly. I was, even me, 30, thinking I was pretty fucking woke. It wasn't until I moved to the Bay Area that I was like, no, there's all kinds of different kinds of people in positions of power because that same – it's not okay to be like that. You're going to have to go get your mind right when your boss is a black lady who went to Harvard, and you're going to have to deal with that. And I'm guessing this kid has not encountered a lot of that. He has not been forced to confront what it means to behave in the way that he's behaving and how not just embarrassing that will be to him someday, but like how farcical it is for an American to behave that way.

MaxWhat came out this week was like his mom is like a vice president at some sort of like financial services company. I can't remember. Do you remember the company, Alex?

AlexNo.

MaxIt was a one that I've heard of. She's a vice president at some big finance company or something. I can't remember. And they hired a high-powered like PR and crisis communications team to deal with this. and that's where you started to get this this narrative that was like fabricated by pr people and i i've worked in pr for almost my whole life and i know i know pr bullshit like a good spin when i hear it and the spin they came up with was really i mean credit where it's due like they came

up with a a very good sort of bullshit pr angle which is oh the full tape actually exonerates him because he was putting himself in between right these two violent people now that's not that that's exactly what I'm talking about with this fascism stuff of if you it's plainly like it's obviously now it happened like you know it's like who are you gonna believe me or your lying eyes kind of a thing but like it's it what it is is like a permission structure for everyone to defend this kid it's like just enough of a yes yeah that's it that's it yeah good PR is about it's not about

like telling the truth it's about sort of giving people a permission structure to believe the things they already want to believe and half the country wants to believe in this kid because they think what he did was awesome, which was, you know, staring down this American Indian guy, this protester who was like, has an incredible story. Go look at that guy talk, by the way. He's a veteran, and he was at Standing Rock. He's incredible.

MerlinThat's what PR does, though. I mean, you're the expert, not me, but it seems to me that a lot of what PR does, especially in crisis mode, is to find some way to, they wouldn't put it this way, but it seems like the first goal of PR is to minimize the one big story that's damaging. And then in so doing, provide a kind of cover that lets you fall back to the thing that you already believe if you're inclined to be on that person's side anyway. And you can see it today with Bryan Singer. You can see it with all of these different stories where the main thing you want to do is get out there in a way that makes it less difficult for somebody who already kind of sides with you to continue to hold that position.

And I think you do that by trying to minimize or mute or deflect from the big thing that everybody's talking about. And then once the big thing everybody's talking about goes away, if you're lucky, it gets a little easier to go back to normal.

MaxWell, I thought it was also very obvious. Like, you know, there's also this sort of human centipede of right wing information. So basically what they do is like, you know, whether it's this PR firm or whoever is trying to sort of put the counter narrative out, they were like, well, the whole video exonerates him. And then they also tried to make it a story about like a liberal rush to judgment, which is just kryptonite to these like journalists and Twitter personalities and sort of people because they're like they're they'll they'll be the first people to fucking bend over backwards going, oh, I prejudged the magazine without having all the facts, even though I fucking looked at it with my own eyes and saw literally exactly what's going on.

But, you know, they start this stuff. They, like, put this information out. Like, the full video exonerates him on, like, 4chan and the – what's the – the MAGA Reddit?

AlexNot the Donald. The Donald.

MaxYeah, or the Donald. Yeah, that's the one. Yeah, yeah. And then that stuff gets picked up. Like, 4chan and the Donald gets picked up on Breitbart and InfoWars and, like, the very fringy sort of alt-right things. and then that gets on to like the slightly one degree more reputable right wing source.

MerlinIt's like the graphic you retweeted. Like there is, there's a funnel for this that goes from the far, far, far of either side but especially the right to get sort of sanitized

Speaker Aand repackaged through whoever Rush Limbaugh or whatever it is. That graphic was, is two years old by the way. It could have been 10 years old

Maxbut then it gets into like the Daily Caller and the Gateway Pundit and these sort of like shitty, basically they're like, what are they? They're like WordPress blogs pretending to be newspapers. It's like it's money laundering for hate. Yeah. And then it winds up on Drudge. And then once it's on Drudge, it can go on Fox News and conservative talk radio. And then once it's on Fox News and conservative talk radio, it's sort of news. Then other news organizations are like, okay, now we have to report on this. And whatever quotes are out there, oh, that we have to say that we have to report on both sides

of this. It's such a crazy arbitrage of the news economy, but it's exactly what happened in Gamer gate it's exactly what happened during the 2016 election and it's exactly what happens in all in in all of these sort of minor cultural flare-ups like that thing in Virginia or or the the Covington Catholic kids or whatever and it's just sad seeing everyone fall it's depressing seeing that everyone still falls for it like we've learned nothing like the media is no more well-equipped to deal with it in my timeline there were smart people that you and I know who

were tweet who were like you know whatever like like people Apple people or whatever who were fucking sent me 30 tweets who were getting into a back and forth usually I wasn't arguing with them but like my followers were or whatever where they were like you judge this kid and you're no better than the Nazis and you you're this is 1984 he what did he do he did a they were like one of the lines was like what was like looking at someone the wrong way is like a crime from 1984 was like a stupid like talking point and like who's the real Nazis here and like suddenly it was like wait a minute now I'm a Nazi for

this kid is actually a Nazi? And all I'm observing is that that's what he is? I don't know. The whole thing sucks.

MerlinIt's all gross.

MaxAnd now he's having hamburgers with the president.

MerlinI hope they aren't from Wendy's.

Diggit, digit, digit, digit, digit. Journalism. You guys ready to bring the journos? Yes. Ready to get on necktie Twitter with me?

Speaker AWhat are we doing here? Do you want to set it up and then I'll read it? Is that the plan? We could trade off a little bit.

MerlinI've prepared some parts here where I'm trying to redact the specific details of our deep throat. We were in receipt from a dead drop that we won't tell you about. You cannot access. From a dead drop, we have received some insider information from a person who has identified him or herself as a D.C.-based Cox's Cuck with working knowledge of White House logistics. This is a fan of the show. Thank you to our listener who heard us talking about the fast food incident at the White House with the Clemson Tigers team last week and was able to provide some color and detail to this event as a a denizen of D.C. and B someone with, as we said, White House logistics.

This is just the beginning, but we're filling in some important details about what happened with Hamburger Gate.

Speaker ABreaking news, breaking news live on CNN. Moments ago. We've got Wolf Blitzer in the Situation Room. You're in the Situation Room. 17 screens, nine chyrons. If it's Wednesday, it must be hamburgers.

MaxListen, so we weren't speculating. Did we talk about the hamburgers last week?

MerlinWell, I've been out there begging Dr. Don for some... My question was, if you look at that goddamn, that Washington Post wonderful graphic showing where all the food was laid out, I was like, what is there a chance that this stuff? Well, we certainly know. We know it's going to be gross. We know we know it's cold fast food. But I was just wondering as a lay person lady, as you say, Alex, I was wondering about like, is this deadly? Should I pick this? Should I skip the dipping sauce? If it were me, I wouldn't touch a French fry that was 45 minutes old. You've got to be kidding me.

And so we started asking about that. And then we all think amongst ourselves. We were like, this seems really gross and bad. How long was it from acquiring this fast food? And I think we've all stipulated. Max, you said in particular, you'd rather have a fresh burger than some of the white tablecloth dining that you've had in your life. We all agree fast food can be great. But when it's old, it's not great.

Speaker ANo, it congeals.

MerlinIt does.

Speaker AIt settles.

MaxYou don't want it to congeal. You know what happens is when the fibers from the bun become sort of one with the other ingredients such that they can't be separated because it starts to emulsify.

AlexOh, yeah. It's horrible.

MerlinI mean, really, after the cheese is not melted anymore, that to me is, that's the beginning of not good fast food.

AlexWell, the worst thing to ever happen, probably to anyone ever in their life, is when they pick up a six-piece chicken McNugget, and then all, you pick up one piece, and then five are still attached. And it's like, oh, no, no, no, no, no. Because it was fresh, and then they dried together, like the grease has, oh, it's so bad.

MaxA new Chicken McNugget, one of the great... I mean, put that on the fucking Voyager spacecraft and send it to the aliens so they can judge us by our works. That's how I feel about the Chicken McNugget. Amen. Thank you. That's probably one of the greatest achievements of mankind. But a cold Chicken McNugget? No. No. No. Not good. Merlin, this is really...

Speaker AI want to say, credit where credit's due, this is Merlin's scoop. You were really on this beat. It's a version of access journalism, I have to be honest.

MerlinSo I had DMed with this fella, and we were talking about what the intrigue, how did the food get there? What do we know? How old was it? And here's our message from the inside. There's a McDonald's about a block from the White House. That's likely pretty easy for some staffers to run across the street to pick up. Google Maps says there's a Burger King in the Pentagon, likely possibility. Otherwise, you have to go up to the Adams Morgan neighborhood where there's no parking, which is in traffic about 20 minutes back to the White House or go elsewhere out to the Virginia Burbs. There are two dominoes each within a 5 to 10 block radius, northeast and northwest of the White House.

But the one that I find most fascinating is Wendy's.

Speaker AThere is no Wendy's close to the White House.

MaxThe closest option is what we in D.C. refer to jokingly as, quote, the Dave Thomas Circle. It's a Wendy's in the middle of a triangle intersection of two major six-lane diagonal roads. That Washington Post piece I link to is a pretty fun deep dive on why it's so hellish. There's also a Wendy's way up in the Petworth neighborhood, which for a lot of reasons I think we can rule out. My office is a few blocks away from the Dave Thomas Circle, and there's a bar just east of the circle where my team gets drunk on occasion, and it's always a mess to get there and then figure out how to get home after.

I hate it. Getting across D.C. east-west is rather difficult, since Le Fon's original street grid didn't really account for modern car movements and evening rush-hour suburban exodus traffic patterns. At the time of the hamburger event, the city would have been pretty gridlocked, and plus it was raining and nobody in D.C. knows how to fucking drive in the rain, especially Uber, Lyft, taxi drivers. And I would assume it would take easily half an hour to get from that Wendy's to the White House. 45 minutes is more realistic if New York Avenue was a mess.

Metro was always an underfunded on-fire nightmare, so even if someone schlepped all the birders on a granny grocery cart in the rain, oh, excuse me, on the train, it's still 45 minutes. and they would have had to have changed trains to the busiest metro transportation at the busiest time of evening. It makes it so much worse.

AlexOh my God.

MaxBut here's what's occurring to me. I don't mean to interrupt this, but maybe that they sent the fucking presidential motorcade and it had the sirens and they could stop traffic and they had a police escort. Is that a story? Listen. Listen, deep throat. Listen to me. This is fucking Wolf Blitzer here from Dubai Friday. Someone should look up if they spent taxpayer money to send the fucking motorcade because then you wouldn't have to worry about traffic at all.

Speaker AThat's true. See, you really have a nose for this story. Because I am like Trump, right?

MaxI could think like him. And if I'm Trump and I'm like, I'm hungry and I want my McNuggets and I want my sauce. I have my nugs. Fucking send that. And they're like, Mr. President, there's no way to get. It's going to take 45 minutes to get them back in traffic and they're going to congeal. And that's where Trump, I think, I think he does have the kind of genius where he'd be like, send the motorcade.

Alextremendous well but then you know me steve bannon steps in and oh he's still wow that's a weird reference he still exists i'm like no no no mr president there are all those snowflakes out there who are gonna notice that i think they sent a police car like one of the special or the secret service cars that aren't that it's not like pure you can't tell it's a motorcade you're just like hmm, that's some county car.

MerlinBut think about your coordinating all of this. There are people running around doing all of this, like on the day and date. And so they said, so add that half hour, 45 minute transit mess to whatever additional time those burgers were made and stacked and sitting in the Wendy's before pickup. The next section we're going to redact a little bit. Essentially, this is where our man on the inside gives us some technical details on how he's very good technical details on how he's able to establish basically a rough timeline of this. So now we're getting down to instances here. On hamburger night, the president was returning from an out-of-town event via Marine One.

The pool cameras that normally stake out the South Lawn to record the president departing Marine One and walking into the White House had to very quickly scramble once the president was inside. They rushed to the state dining room, and Trump just started talking as soon as the press walked in at 5.50 p.m. So nobody had time to clean the rain off their lenses or even get a good white balance. That's why he's still wearing a coat, and everything has kind of a purple hue, and it's foggy. That's why he was wearing the coat. I think he just wears that because he thinks it's slimming. If you know more, let us know. All the lenses have been out in the cold rain for hours before being brought into a room with hot steamy hamburgers and heat lamp pizza.

AlexOh, my God.

Speaker AOkay, Max, bring it home for us. Okay. After he did. I was looking at pictures of Trump in the coat.

MaxI got to stop. Okay. After he did his show and tell, the Clemson team came in and ate, and as they ate and gathered to watch him speak at the podium after dinner, the pool fed the tape of the hamburger tables and the president's initial remarks. By 6.21 p.m., everybody had finished eating, and the pool had finished feeding all their tape back, and the Clemson boys were standing around waiting for the president to walk on stage. And what I believe is the East Room and give remarks, which he did at 6.47 p.m., we had a live signal for that. I have no idea when the birders would have been delivered, but there was at least a 10-minute window between the press coming into the room to start recording and the team coming into the room to start eating and about 20 minutes of milling about and eating.

I think it's safe to say that it was at least an hour, and if not an hour and a half from when the burgers left Wendy's to actually being eaten and probably more for the staff to stack them on silver platters and get the room set up. The press had to come in and set up the president to speak and the team to walk into the room and start picking up the cartons. So there you go. If you have any questions, you know where to find me. Yeah, in the fucking parking garage. Now, let me add to this my own. I've done a little bit of my own deep throating on this. You've been freelancing on this, Max?

I've been freelancing on this. And you know what I've been thinking about is they ordered like 100 hamburgers. And if you go into a McDonald's at dinner rush and you say-

MerlinIf you ordered 10 hamburgers, it would take a while. Yeah, right.

Speaker AUnless it's super, super duper busy and fast, there's going to be burgers piling up the whole time. Right. So you have to think about this.

MaxThey're going to go in and order 100 hamburgers, right? And the first hamburger is going to sort of hit the plate. And how long until the last one hits the plate?

Speaker AWhat do you think? A half hour?

AlexIt takes about three minutes.

Speaker AIt used to take about three, four minutes to make a burger. Let's say due to the advance of modern technology, it takes 1.5 minutes.

MaxThat's still over an hour. Even if it's only a minute and a half per burger, which is half the time of when Merlin worked at McDonald's. That is one magic burger. That is one magic burger. So you're talking about two and a half hours. You're talking about two and a half hours between when the first burger hits the wrapper and the last burger. So now you follow the story of the first burger. It's sitting around for, let's say they're even faster. Let's say it's only sitting around for 45 minutes, maybe an hour.

And then another hour. You're talking about two to two and a half hour old McDonald's hamburgers.

AlexI'm calling it all of the food is at least four hours old.

MerlinI think I feel a challenge coming.

AlexNo, no. Why, Marlon? No, no, no, no, no.

MerlinI think we may have to take one for the troops. I think we should get some burgers, wait two and a half hours, and then test them on the air.

MaxYes.

MerlinWe'll just call out the motorcade.

MaxI could contact my dear friend Chef Mike at the McDonald's test kitchen And ask if he would help us with this Oh please do Tell me he's going to

Speaker AAnd he's going to bring in some tasty grilled burgers

MaxWe'd have to simulate it You know we have the data To simulate this exactly We could have a team standing by With a fucking stopwatch We could go Mythbusters We could be like go go get in the car go

Speaker AYes. It fucking screeches out. Oh, I think this is, like I said, I think this is just the beginning.

MerlinI think now people are going to hit us up on Telegram. They're going to let us know. They're going to hit me up in my secure pigeon box and let us know what else can we do to get to the bottom of the hamburger mystery.

MaxI've always wanted to do that move where you park somewhere really quickly and you sort of like, you sort of Tokyo drift into the parking space. Yes. I've always felt like there should be some reason for me to have to do that at work. And this could be it. I've got the burgers in my car. You can do it on your skateboard. The clock is ticking down. It's like, you know, 44 seconds, 44 minutes and 59 seconds. Music intensifies.

Speaker AAnd I fucking Tokyo drift into my parking space. And you kick a sick ollie. Probably Jen's car is in there and I just slam into her car. Hey, that's my car. Shut up. I'm on a mission. It's a challenge.

MerlinFollow up.

AlexYes.

MerlinOkay. As you know, Max, tell people how even can they hear the after show? What's the deal with that?

MaxOh, man, we haven't done this in a while. Well, you know, due by Friday, you may have noticed from listening to it, We don't really have any ads on this program. And we're out here doing fucking hard-hitting, deep-throat journalism, getting the scoop on the hamburgers that no other podcast has. We're fucking out here reporting on our scoops that we bring to you. And we're not advertising a mattress or a meal kit or a fucking toothbrush with refillable things or a razor company.

MerlinI send you a new one every three months, just like Dennis tell you to.

MaxYeah. We're not doing any of that stuff. So you're probably wondering, well, how does Dubai Friday make money? And here's the thing is that you have money and we want your money. And you can go to giveusyourfuckingmoney.com and you can become a member of the Dubai Friday Patreon for only $5 a month. And you will get, in addition to supporting the show, you will get a free extra episode every week. I don't know why I say free because you are paying for it. You will pay for it and receive.

MerlinThat's true. It's free once you pay.

MaxThat's for sure. Once you pay it, it's free. That's a good deal. That's a good deal. You will get a bonus episode every week, the Dubai Friday After Show, where we plan the next week's challenge. Usually we're pretty sleepy, and we don't care as much what we say.

So that's where we really say our crazy stuff. Yeah, that's when the gossip comes out. To find out what we really think of the Maga teen, you should subscribe. I mean, we give you a little taste. This one's free. This one's free, but if you want to find out what we really think of him. Yeah.

Speaker AListen, the full tape available only in the After Show will reveal the story. Give us your fucking money.com

MerlinOr don't Isn't there another Don't we have a new alternate URL? Kids with money only Is that right? Kids with money only Is that right? Did we get that? Did somebody get that for us? I think it's only kids with money

AlexOnly kids with money.com

MerlinKids with money only

AlexOh, did we get both of them?

MerlinKids with money only.com

AlexAnd only kids with money.com Man, people are just scooping up all of these for us. That's very kind.

MerlinYeah. Scoop them, man. Scoop them. And we, you know, we appreciate the support. It helps us do this hard-hitting journalism that necktie Twitter's scared of. Fuck them. As we learned in last week's, we had an abortive challenge from Max. Max's original challenge in the episode last week was, hey, look, where did you source that wonderful article about self-care in the

Speaker Amorning? What was that from? Oh, God. It was something like the financial bureau and I had to pay for it. I had to put my email address in and my credit card. But you had an excellent

MerlinTikTok, as they like to say in Necktie Twitter. A TikTok on self-care in the morning from this person. And one of the things this person does is uses an item that we had not heard about before. This is an item called the Human Charger, made by Valky. And it's basically it looks like an iPod nano that you stick in your ears and it shoots light at your ears. Oh my God. You got this thing. I'd already ordered it before you guys decided that wasn't really the challenge.

So I've been going deep with the human charger. It shoots light at your ears and that kills your depression. Oh, good. It makes you feel better. This is super quick. This thing is such a piece of shit. It was $200 and it's such a piece of shit. It is a four quadrant failure. It is so fucking bad. It is so cheap. It is really, really cheap and chintzy. And you got to charge it up with the USB mini. And then you plug in the headphones. But guess what?

They aren't headphones. They're earplugs with lights. You can't even listen to audio when you're using it. All you can do is stick these cheap ass earplugs in your ears and it shoots light inside your ears for 12 minutes. and then uh it was it the whole the whole thing stemmed astern is such a shit show and then i mean maybe i should do it more but turns out i did not i did not reap benefits from this particular

Alexitem of self-care human charger we'll put it in show notes oh political podcast and tech podcast

Merlinyou didn't get it all here i gotta do it more because i already do the sad light i already do the sad light every day and so maybe maybe i'm already full of all my vitamin d and healthy depression killers.

AlexAre you sure that you were supposed to put it in your ear?

MerlinIdiocracy, right? This one goes in your mouth.

MaxDid you feel anything?

MerlinNo, I just I set a reminder, as I do, and it had shut itself off automatically. I mean, I don't know what to say. I should have read what it says, but there was a part of me that was thinking, oh, it would be kind of cool. I could listen to a podcast maybe while it's shining in my ears. I don't know what made me think that. But you guys should buy this because it is so stupid. It's got these little chintzy little headphones with the buds and the light shoots out. I don't know, man.

It gets like a 3.2 on Amazon. I checked out ReviewMeta and it's not too bad. It's not as bad as a lot of this kind of stuff. Do you guys use ReviewMeta? Have we talked about ReviewMeta? I have never heard of this. There are services. What's the well-known one? FakeSpot is a well-known And one, if you drop a URL in a fake spot, it gives you... Actually, you know what? Just for fun. Go do this right now. Go look up something on Amazon. Oh, how about boner pills? I'm going to search for boner pills on... Boner pills for men. Okay. Oh, horny goat weed.

And look for one. Oh, yeah. Here we go. Oh, here we go. Leesine with a subscript to. Leesine 2 with royal jelly. Most effective natural amplifier for performance, energy, and endurance. go to something just copy the url new tab go to review meta review meta.com oh this one's not too bad but look at look at the magic look at well fake spot fake spot's good but

Alexreview meta is like science okay yeah because fake spot gives it an a yeah yeah this actually

Merlindid pretty good but anyway for anything you're wondering about go to review meta and look at what they break down. They really get in there. And they do stuff like the trend over time, where they unverified purchases down to people who only post reviews about like a certain brand. It's really, really, Max, I think you would like this. It's very sciencey.

Speaker AI, you know, I've never, man, I've never taken the time to like verify these reviews. This is

Merlinkind of blowing my mind. The example that a lot of people give is something like Bluetooth headphones. That's kind of the poster child for like, it's such a commodity, right? There's so many Bluetooth headphones on Amazon that it's one of those places where people or companies do plow a lot of resources into getting reviews puffed up. And Amazon has done some things to address this there. I think it benefits them to not have this all be shitty. But ReviewMeta and FixSpot are both really good for this. And there's a browser plugin on iOS, like an extension. So you could just be on

an Amazon page and hit it and it'll look it up for you. It's not perfect, but if you go, hmm, is this really a 4.8 with 7,000 reviews? And sometimes it's shockingly not. That's one to grow on.

AlexDo you ever do this with wire cutter? Well, I mean, I have some opinions about the wire cutter. And, oh, really? Fuck that. Oh, I guess their iPhone case picks are never right in any way, shape, or form.

MaxWhat are you reacting to? What's happening right now?

AlexYou can't see my screen? Oh.

MerlinI've been on a tear on three different podcasts about Wirecutter lately.

AlexI first discovered the Wirecutter controversy that you created, or rather, I first discovered.

MerlinI was reporting on it, Alex. I'm a reporter. Look at my necktie.

AlexYeah, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. When you started reporting on the Wirecutter, I was like, oh, I can sort of see that because for years, you know, you go and if you're an iPhone case aficionado slash absolutely insane like I am, you go, all right, what do you get? And for the past like four years, it's been the silk iPhone grip case, Kung Fu grip, lightweight protective base, grip slim cover, black tie affair. And it's such a piece of shit. And I don't understand. It is $11.99.

MerlinSilk Kung Fu grip. Okay.

AlexAnd it has an A on fake spot and passes most on review meta.

MerlinOh, yeah. It does fine on review meta. Look at that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's natural reviews.

AlexOh, well.

MerlinYeah, water cutter. Did you get the battery boy?

AlexOh, my God. I love my battery boy so much. What's your battery boy? Look at this. Look at this.

Speaker AOh, you got the new Apple case.

AlexFinally. Finally.

Speaker ABulbless battery case.

AlexBulbless battery. My thick and curvy.

MaxThe new Bulbless battery from Apple. Hey, ladies, do you like my bulbous battery? It looks like it's melting. Bulbous battery basket.

AlexIt's voluptuous. It's a voluptuous game.

Speaker AI've got the best take of bulbous batteries. The Rubenesque bulbous battery basket.

AlexYou know what, Max? I don't even need to be charging it. Oh, what's that? Yeah. It charges wirelessly.

MerlinIt's really smart.

AlexMm-hmm. It's smart. is a voluptial smart battery.

MerlinNo, it actually is smart. I saw maybe Rene Ritchie, somebody was talking about how it works and it's really smart the way that it knows. It takes a very, it's got this matrix of decision making based on what is the level of your phone? What's the battery of the case? What's the charge of the case? And then what kind of charger are you using? Like how much power is it pushing through? And it seems to intelligently decide how to allocate that. Obviously, like usually, you know, do your phone first. Like if it's plugged in, In the case, it'll do the phone first and then fill it up. But I got it. I like it.

If I left the house more, it would be super useful. I agree with most people that, A, if your phone that you love and will have for two years runs out a lot, I think it's a pretty no-brainer purchase. But I still think an external battery is a good way to go just for in general. But it's nice. It's nice. It's a little bulbous.

AlexI disagree. I love it. It's perfect. Everyone should buy it. It is heavy. What I remember not liking about this

MaxWhen I used to have one is That when you put it in your pocket It's like tacky It has a texture to it And it kind of grabs your pocket And the other stuff in your pocket And when you pull it out of your pocket All this stuff comes out

Speaker AReportedly the white one is very linty

AlexIt is Linty is a good way to put it

MaxDo you guys block a lot of people on Twitter? Yes I used to just mute people and I got kind of schooled about that by a friend of the show, Anita. And it's that, I don't know.

MerlinThey'll keep arguing and you won't see it?

MaxYeah, basically. And they'll bother people in your mentions and things like that. So it's better to sort of, you know, on the one hand, I really agree with, I think it's the Brandon Ward Dell tweet where he's like, if you block your enemy, then they get a screenshot of the block and they can post that. And the number one rule of internet combat is never give your enemy content.

MerlinAh, for me it's real simple. If somebody's just being a ding-a-ling unintentionally, I mute them. But if somebody's being a dick, clearly on purpose, it's a no-brainer. I do think there's a distinction. There's people out there who just don't have social skills. But hey, here's a heads up. If it's the first time you've ever contacted somebody you don't know, don't be a dick. Even if you didn't mean to be, don't be a dick because I don't need that.

MaxThere were probably 100 people who replied to me about the MAGA team. And were just like, they had a well actually about it or they wanted to have a conversation with me. And I was in such a bad mood about the whole thing. And seeing his face scared me so much. I just blocked them all. I blocked like 130 people.

That's the first time I've ever done that. Just anyone who replied to me. Yeah, anyone who replied to me and they were like, well, I'd love to, you should watch the whole video or I'd love to show you this thing. Oh, God. I just blocked just immediately.

MerlinI do it more as a pastime. When I'm on political Twitter and I go into something and see mentions, I just look for flags and eagles and neckties. click click click click click just for future purposes like i saw him once i didn't like him i don't want to see him again i don't want to see magamom69 again like no sorry magamom there was

Maxthere was one guy who was tweeting at me and he just and he wanted he was like he was like wow you're prejudging this teen without knowing anything or whatever wow wow and i was like and then i was like what is this like you're do you like are you like getting paid to do pr for him or whatever and then he was like no and then he was like well i just think it's blah blah blah it's wrong to judge or online it's snaps of judgment or whatever and there's like so what This is just a hobby then. You're not getting paid. You don't work for their PR firm. This is just your hobby. And then he kept going. He's reply guy. That's reply guy. Yeah, he was reply guy. And then he was like, I just think that, well, here, I'll find it.

And then I was like, no. Oh, boy. I think I can find it. Let's see. No, no, no, no. Yeah, yeah. No, I found it. So it's a verified Twitter account. And he just goes, and he goes, and I go, do you work for their PR agency or something? He goes, no, I don't. I'm just trying to spread the truth. Why is it so hard for people to grasp? Watch the video for yourself. You can scroll through my Twitter and look at all the hate I retweeted about him yesterday because I thought he was a racist asshole. And I just replied, so this is just your hobby then? And he goes, trying to spread truth on both sides in the middle of a seriously problematic divide? Yes, I guess you can call it a passion project.

Is that a terrible thing?

Speaker BWhy are you engaging with these people?

MaxAnd then I was just like, have you checked out model trains? That could be a good hobby for you.

AlexStop talking to these people. Why?

MaxAnd then I blocked him. And now I have the block.

MerlinNow people will know who he is because they can search Twitter for the words he used.

MaxWell, I think you should. If you have any thoughts about this guy, you should share them with him on Twitter. And yeah, he's still fucking going. I blocked him, but he's still going on here. Look at that. Damn.

AlexI'm just so... You have the knowledge that Twitter makes you miserable. And I understand. I don't know, Alex. Don't you do anything that's bad for you and you can't stop doing it?

MerlinAlex doesn't do anything like that. I don't know what you're talking about. Nothing.

Speaker Adamn why aren't I allowed to have one I live such a fucking healthy productive life you're like a monk I am like I don't drink I don't do drugs well mostly

Maxand can't I have one can't I have one fucking vice that's self destructive that makes me want to die

AlexI'm sorry

Maxwhere I spiral out of control and it just causes me I wake up in the middle of the night in a cold sweat where else would you go to ask the question

Speaker AJesus Christ guys I can't have one thing I'm really sorry

Merlinthere's so many one things you feel like you can't

Maxso Merlin that's a two thumbs down don't buy recommendation on the official Dubai Friday product guide.

MerlinOh, for the human charger? Yeah. Oh, yeah. It's me. I'm like Jakob Nielsen making that face with the thumbs down. What are you going to do with it? What are you going to do with it? I'm going to try it again. I mean, it's real.

MaxAre you going to Marie Kondo it? It was expensive.

MerlinIt was expensive. You guys are going to help pay for it, though.

MaxYeah. What if we...

Speaker AI mean, are you going to keep it long term? No. What are you going to do it? Are you going to throw it out? I've used it twice. What if we do a little giveaway?

MerlinAnd my ears are on it, too, so they can get my DNA and stuff. Yeah. I mean, we could do that. Sure. I could stick it in a... I accidentally bought two covers for an iPad, and I had to send one back, so I finally have returned something. So I'm really on a... I'm in a groove right now. Dig it, dig it, dig it! Challenge!

Was it your challenge, Merlin? It ended up kind of being my challenge. According to that Twitter account, it's my challenge. Set it up.

AlexOh, okay.

MerlinSo, like, what, Matt Chrisman? I'm your sin eater. I watch Saturday Night Live, sometimes live. What can I say? I've watched Saturday Night Live my whole life. I've watched it since I was nine years old. And I like some of it, and I love some of it. And it's actually become a thing with my daughter, where there are certain videos on YouTube of Saturday Night Live that we watch over and over and over. So this has a slightly personal component to me. It's something my kid and I share,

or especially like the parody commercials and stuff like that. But anyway, I dropped in some fairly recent sketches last week and made you guys watch them. I think Quinn cannily cut out a lot of it. But I just wanted to make the case for you guys that there is good stuff on Saturday Night Live sometimes. But in particular, I want us to talk about some of our favorite weird sketches, some of our favorite 10 to 1 sketches, other things that you could go out and find and share with us. And it basically came down to, at least for me, I made a short list of a few and I think we each agreed to pick one that we would play on the show. Does that sound right?

MaxThat does. You know, I so I went into this and I was my my original plan was I was going to pick all of the mango sketches because I kind of I don't think SNL generally is very good. Like I think there I see what I mainly see on like Twitter video or whatever is like in like Twitter moments tab are those like fucking horrible political sketches where it's like, you know, Alec Baldwin Trump things, which are just so embarrassing.

MerlinThat is not aged well. The reason those were funny at first was that he was doing a very broad impression and oh my God, it's Alec Baldwin. So like the first few times he did it, it was funny just because it was Alec Baldwin doing a broad impersonation. It's not aging well over a year into it. Right. And it's actively getting stupid. In the case of the last one, it was actively stupid.

MaxI think we've probably talked about this before, but there's a big difference between an impression and an impersonation. Yes. And Alex Baldwin is a he's doing an impersonation of Trump, but he doesn't have an angle on the guy.

MerlinI never remember which is which. It's like comedian and comic.

MaxSo an impersonation is pretending to be someone, like you're an impersonator. He's like a Trump impersonator. And an impression is like you've got a comedic angle.

MerlinYeah. Yeah, or like in the case of, I'm not sure what you'd call this, but like Dana Carvey, where like he doesn't actually sound like George H.W. Bush, but he captures something about Bush that becomes almost definitive. Correct. There's certain kinds of people.

MaxYeah, and a lot of comedians have talked about the idea of with an impression. There's this idea of breaking an impression. So it takes a while for people to figure out how to break an impression. And there have been legendary people like this on SNL who break it. And once it's broken, then everybody can do it.

Speaker ASo when people do a Nixon impression—

MerlinBut look at somebody like James Adomian. He is so invested in every one of those that he does. He's clearly—he's not just going to say stuff like, not going to do it. Like when he does Elon Musk, he's done his research on Elon Musk and is able to like make it so funny and so fucking weird. I fucking love that guy. His Gorka. Oh, my God.

MaxOkay. So anyway, I went into this. I went into this and I was going to pick a bunch of mango sketches because I was kind of don't. When I think of SNL, I mainly think of that. It's like pretty bad and embarrassing and it's like not my thing. But I was fucking shocked how many good SNL sketches that I love that I was able to easily make a top 10 list. And I picked mainly new ones from the last six or seven years. I kind of can't believe it.

Speaker ABut there is such good shit on SNL. It's just mixed. How'd you do, Alex?

AlexI kind of had the opposite experience. my main like taken of SNL when I'm sorry what's happening Merlin I know you're not in the same

Merlinroom yeah I'm not I'm not I'm on a whole other coast yeah I have no way there's food has been

Alexpresented okay to to max I forgot to eat and I was getting cranky okay that's why I ordered food and I got you a french fries oh that's a whole story there's not even a story so food is how we fix

Merlinthat is that the idea i i guess so so when he gets cranky give him food alex i i guess so but

Alexwell thank you but i can't eat the french i can't eat the fries that are french yeah yeah sorry um you can't eat french fries the oh god we'll go listen into the after show oh and there was an oh this morning was an incident oh boy yeah you had a nut incident uh i did i did not it were

Merlinthey visible were they visible in your leavings uh no no no no no i i ate accidentally ate something

Alexwith cashews and it's been a morning um you having like a griffin day well uh yeah but i isn't he a

Merlindownstairs and i'm an upstairs person oh no you made bar fees oh oh god oh no since 7 a.m this

Alexmorning um i've been trying to just keep down benadryl like you know how you always have the story of uh of or like what what will someone have to write on the emergency room form oh yeah I think about all the time yeah and I'm like I'm not going to use my EpiPen because I typically don't use my EpiPen uh unless there it's like real real bad and I think okay yep I'm gonna die and then you're supposed to go to the emergency room afterwards and I don't want to be the one

who's there. I don't want to have to be the person who's dying in the back and Maddie has to write down, didn't want to use an EpiPen. So basically I was just...

MerlinReading your medical record, it must be the last part of the Survivor Challenge. Doctor's having trouble with his puzzle. She's figured out she's allergic to cashews, but she's also taking some brain medication on some kind of a fat diet. Having trouble. Coach's got six parts in his puzzle.

MaxToday we're playing for a reward We've got one EpiPen You want to see what you're playing for?

Speaker AOnce again, EpiPen's up for grabs I've got nothing for you

MerlinYou didn't find any that tickled your fancy? Because you're not a regular watcher anyway

Alexyou wouldn't know what to look for probably right there there are things that come into like like max said i'm like oh great another look at it's uh kate mckinnon who i who i love being forced to do a sad hillary clinton oh right well i bet i know i've got some fucking bangers for you and i'll bet max does too i well i i didn't i did not peanut butter there are a few I made like a playlist of 10 that I'll also share, but how do we want to do this?

I think I have one that holds up well. Incomparable draft style. Oh, boy.

Speaker ADraft style. It's off the board. Merlin, go. Number one, your pick. Spider-Man.

MerlinOh, you want me to go first? See, okay, that's a lot of pressure. I'm trying to think of one that you guys will like. Okay. Well, let me ask you ones you've seen. Have you guys seen Wells for Boys?

AlexNo, I don't think so.

MerlinThank God. Okay, sending it right now. This is my daughter's favorite.

Speaker BWith Fisher-Price playsets, some kids can be four-star chefs. Some kids can win the race. But some just long to be understood. Oh, it's me. Introducing Wells for Sensitive Boys from Fisher-Price. Wells for Sensitive Boys to wish upon, confide in, and reflect by. Some boys live unexamined lives, but this one's heart is full of questions. Just hear how much he loves the well. You don't want to do the commercial anymore?

Okay. Do you want to go watch E2 Momotumbien? Yeah? Okay, he wants to go back to the well. He'll enjoy running his little fingers around the edge of the well. On days when he's had too much, he'll lean on it and contemplate his reflection. Some kids like to play. Others just sort of wait for adulthood. Oh, my God. So what is he putting in there? A secret. Who grow up to have a wildly passionate

and successful creative life. But not just yet. Spencer! Spencer! Spencer! Spencer? Yes, you're right. Also, check out other cool new toys for our sensitive boy line. Oh, my God. Like balconies for when they're ready to announce something. Or a shattered mirror to examine the complex contradictions of their being. That thing's weird. I don't get it. That's because it's not for you. Because you have everything.

AlexEverything is for you. And this one thing is for him.

Speaker BWell's for Boys by Fisher-Price. Don't just give him a Barbie. I mean it is like that that's just part of it

AlexThat's very good Okay, sorry very very very good. I can't believe I've never seen that before oh my god

MaxThat's it's super well written Yeah, I mean someone wrote the fuck out of that

MerlinYeah, some of the best ones and the weird ones and the 10 to 1 sketches, but especially with the commercial ads, it's the precision of what's in and out of it that's so good. I got another one for you in a minute that's, I think, very much like that. But yeah, it really, it's, yeah, super well written and edited. So yeah, that's one. That's why I like the weird ones. And you guys know what I mean by a 10 to 1 sketch. It's the sketches that they probably weren't going to do, but they're short on time and they end up at 10 minutes to 1. They put in a sketch that's completely bananas. Yeah, I got a few of those. So that's mine. That's my first one.

Speaker AAll right, Alex, first draft pick.

AlexOh, gosh. Boom. Okay. Hold on. Now I'm going to change things up for something that was, I guess, from my childhood, basically. And everybody, I'm sure, has seen it. The Dear Sister Lonely Island sketch.

I don't think I know that. No, actually, it's a digital short. I put it on the playlist without even re-watching it.

Speaker Bhey man what you doing nothing just uh writing a letter to my sister cool it's pretty crazy i uh i haven't seen her in years it's uh it's weird because What you say That you only meant well Well, of course you did What you say That it's all for the best

AlexThat's not playing for either of you Have you seen it? Oh, you know Okay, that, alright Merlin, do you know what this is I guess somewhat a parody of?

MerlinNo

AlexOh, interesting

MerlinOh, the OC? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

AlexThe brother goodbye scene?

MerlinI don't remember that. Oh my gosh.

AlexAll right. We'll figure out how to cut that.

MerlinIt's still funny. Still love me some Bill Hader, man.

AlexWell, that's the thing is I don't understand how people would find that funny if you were not familiar with the OC. Did you guys see Barry? Wow. Yes. Barry fucking ruled. No, no. You didn't like it? I mean, I had complicated feelings. I couldn't believe how good that show was. Oh, the show? Oh, I thought, no, what's buried? Have you seen buried the film?

Speaker ABarry, Barry, Barry.

AlexOh, sorry.

MerlinThat explains that. Hate it. Hate Bill Hader.

AlexFuck that guy.

MerlinHate his balance of drama and farce and comedy. I'm sorry.

Speaker AWhat a fucking idiot. Hate Bill Hader.

MaxI have a feeling you guys have seen this, so there's probably no need to play it. But my number one draft pick for a personal funniest SNL sketch that makes me laugh the most. Farewell, Mr. Bunting.

AlexDo you guys know that one? Farewell, Mr. Bunting. That sounds...

MerlinI don't want to go. I want to go in cold. I might have seen it. Okay. All right.

Speaker BSit down. As you all know, Mr. Bunting will no longer be teaching here at Windermere.

Speaker AI sing myself...

Thank you.

Show notes

Transcript

116. Reply Guy

Show notes

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