114. BONUS: Patreon Aftershow
2019Show notes
Transcript
Tap a timestamp or any sentence to play from there · machine transcribed (mlx:mlx-community/whisper-large-v3-turbo), expect mistakesSpeaker BBackpacks outside. Children with money only. Oh, hello. I didn't see you there. This is the number one Alan Rickman impersonator on Fiverr. I was hired by the Dubai Friday podcast to share this exclusive free after show with you.
You see, normally this after show is only for children with money who make a withdrawal from Gringotts to support the Dubai Friday Patreon for five sickles a month. If you like what you hear, then I suggest that you go to www.onlykidswithmoney.com to support the Dubai Friday podcast.
Syctum Semper, vanish me purpose.
MerlinAfter show.
AlexAfter show.
MerlinOh, what a mess. Oh, boy. It's all too much.
AlexThis is a bad one. I think that was a bad episode. No. We'll make it good. Was that bad? No. No. It was long. Cameron, was that bad?
MaxIt was good?
AlexAll right. So my intern, Jordan, is here. Woke Italian, man. Oh, God. No. Maybe we'll put it in here. Beloved new character.
Speaker AWelcome to the woke Italian chef. Oh, God. It's a me. I'm a little thing. I got my own baggage. I got to try harder. I want to be an ally for you. Have a spaghetti.
I'm going to make a tweet about the pills that I take. She's a curvy like a gabagoon. I love my curvy gabagoon girl. I'm so sorry. I shouldn't have said that. That was how you say look-a-sta.
AlexOh, God. All right. in the super secret sex channel. Max has put a photo. Did you just say sex channel? I can't say words.
MaxHang on. Why did John Cochran follow you, Merlin?
MerlinBecause I followed him. It's probably just a typical follow back.
MaxWait, did you watch the Cochran season?
MerlinNo spoilers.
MaxI have not. Yes, I've seen him in two seasons of the show. Oh, but the one where he's back.
MerlinFuck me, that's a good season of Survivor. Boy, they get real skinny. They get real skinny in that one.
AlexOh, it's always upsetting. when they get really skinny i'm like oh i felt so bad for eric i was like oh my god he's so fucked up he was doing great i don't i don't know who that is no no spoilers no spoilers uh eric's
Merlinin a couple seasons um james he seems like a ding-a-ling at first but he's pretty good now
Alexmalcolm that guy whoo that guy's an all-star that malcolm oh he yeah he's up there with par for
Merlinfor me um poverty shallow i keep every time i see her name i have to say it out loud parvati shallow.
MaxEvery girl deserves to know she can be a hero. Send girls to see Captain Marvel. Learn more and donate at GoFundMe.com. Is this problematic? Why don't we like this?
AlexBecause there's a GoFundMe.
MerlinIt's a Disney corporation. We're really going to donate money to the Disney corporation. Are you against that for black kids seeing
MaxBlack Panther? I'm against the whole conceit. If we're going to pretend that it's a social good for children to see woke superhero movies, why isn't disney donating the ticket sales to them like this is a billion dollar movie why aren't they gonna give it why don't they just give away a few thousand tickets to the underprivileged children it's not like you know do you see what i'm saying like why it's like it's all like it's
Merlinawful it's like you're saying it's not that different from like uh go fund me for health stuff it's like that shouldn't be something you need to go fund me for right i'm i'm like yeah it's or or but i don't know it's just it's it's repulsive i get it i get it i just there's so much backlash against the movie already and I want it to be great.
MaxWhy is there backlash against the movie? I don't know of any. Did I say something bad? Am I like an alt-right of like a Proud Boy now? You're a first level Proud Boy. I just don't like any superhero movies and I resent that everyone pretends that they're good when they're woke.
AlexI mean, to see Into the Spider-Man is really good. Yeah, but that's not.
MaxI mean, are people pretending that movie is like woke?
AlexNo. Yeah. I mean.
MerlinThat's kind of a loaded question. I think people enjoy the representation of that movie. Yes.
AlexNo, I like, yeah, I'm glad Wonder Woman exists. For what, pig people? God, I fucking hate, like, I don't like being the bad person who hated Wonder Woman and is a bad feminist. And I'm all for people going, like, yeah, people should see Black Panther. People should see Captain Marvel. But this GoFund, oh, hashtag Captain Marvel challenge. like i i see where you're like i i i am on both of your sides like i'm like if you're gonna reduce
Maxyou know what this is only makes sense if you reduce feminism to like a consumer preference right do you buy the feminist brand or the not feminist brand right that's just to me like i'm i'm i'm do you not want to cure breast cancer why are you not eating yogurt why are you not eating pink yogurt but it's like it's like someone who's in i'm interested in feminism as a political movement beyond a consumer decision beyond like you know it's like i'm interested in environmentalism beyond do you use a reusable grocery bag or not and it offends me that that this is this is what
Merlini was talking about the problems and levels thing like yes i totally i totally agree when starbucks
Maxis like oh we're gonna give you like a like a shitty paper straw and donate one cent of our coffee to like rebuild the amazon rainforest it offends me because i know that what's what's So here's why it bothers me. Because what they're selling to you, there's this idea, and I don't know, and I wish Kulman's here because she could tell me what this is from, but there's this idea in philosophy called interpassivity. And it's the idea that, like, you can have your anti-capitalism performed for you as part of the transaction. So when you go to Starbucks, you're aware, if you're a woke ally like myself, you're aware that when you purchase the coffee, you're being implicated in this very unjust and racist series of decisions that go all the way back to the oppressed farmers who make slave wages, who I presume who pick the coffee beans.
I don't actually know anything about it. I just assume someone's getting dicked over when I get a coffee at Starbucks, let alone the baristas who make it. Now, you know that you're complicit in the system and you're profiting from it and giving money to it when you buy the coffee. So what does Starbucks do? They say, oh, we're going to give one cent from your purchase to so-and-so cause to the poor kids or to rebuild the rainforest. And so what they're doing is they're selling you the relief from the anxiety of your participation in the transaction as part of the same transaction. It's all one transaction that you create the problem and solve it all with one purchase
just by giving the one cent to them. And it's the most devious form of capitalism. Likewise, I think people know that something is kind of sad and fucked up about these Goliath companies that Disney owns. Like every movie I see is produced by the Disney Corporation, and there's only seven media companies, and there's only a few big movies, and they have these recycled IP that we're going to be forced to like, and we're going to see a fucking blitzkrieg of ads for Captain Marvel until I give a shit about it and submit and see it.
It all feels bad, but then I'm also, it's part of the marketing that there's going to be a big sexist controversy of can a woman be a superhero and there's going to be people who get mad and people who get mad at the people who are mad. And we're going to have to go through this whole song and dance and it's all in the, it's all the design. It's all part of the pageantry of rolling out the movie brand so that I go see it. And then now I'm not only am I consuming the movie and I don't even have to feel bad about participating in the Disney mega corporation and all the people who were exploited and all of the cultural hegemony and everything because I'm actually all the cartoon mice forced to wear gloves.
I'm actually but I'm actually being woke. Right. I'm actually. Yeah. Yeah. I see what you're saying. I'm performing my politics by seeing it. The whole thing is disgusting to me. Who doesn't want to wear the ribbon?
AlexThere's but there are so many levels because like, yeah. Oh, cool. I am excited. Captain Marvel looks real fucking good. But yeah, who made that movie? Who wrote that movie? Who is making billions of dollars on that movie? Not the actors in it, not the grip on it. So I have no problem with seeing Captain Marvel. But yeah, it's gross for folks to be like, yeah, this is my form of feminism. This is a political action I am taking. But I still want them to exist.
they're still uh i don't want them to be perceived as better just because uh we've got someone with long hair is a superhero but i i don't know like why why what's the problem with the would what's the solution then like what like do you think that do you think so so let's say that we buy the
Maxpremise that we want women to see like a female superhero or whatever like do you think that there's a chance that captain marvel is going to solve any problems in this movie without violence uh no do you think that she's gonna like meaningfully like confront power structures that oppress women in this film or she's just gonna participate in violence as an equal of the men and that's oh yeah no i'm not saying we should some kind of feminism but it's not
Alexit's not a kind that i'm interested in not a good kind of feminism no i'm exactly she's half she's half cree like you know it's identity politics well that's why i'm not saying like oh let's let's campaign for young kids to see these incredibly awful violent movies like but i i don't know there's something about like encouraging kids to see moonlight or something like that but i uh i don't know like encouraging people to consume any type of media has when it's someone's
profiting from it is is devious and weird but i i rather ask ask me about the scholastic book fair Oh, my God. There's so many. Jesus Christ. Is that not woke? Oh, wow.
MerlinI'm so fucking mad about this.
AlexOh, boy. I don't know if people know about the Scholastic book fairs.
MerlinScholastic, I think, has a pretty tight relationship with school districts and specific schools. The sense is that when you do these book fairs, the school makes some money off it. I don't want to be disloyal to my school, but we had a book fair not long ago. And it's like a week long. It's a four-day thing. It's Monday through Thursday. They take over the library. They bring in pallets and pallets and pallets of books and toys, basically, posters. And then there's volunteers that work there. And the school gets some of the money.
Just random data points. So that's four days. You can't really use the library for four days because Scholastic has a store set up there. Okay. All right. Fine. And at one point, every class goes there for an entire class period to look things over and to see if there's things they want to buy. It's scheduled that every class goes for a full class period. And we bought lots of stuff there because we bought lots of stuff there. It was just this crazy shit show.
Ugh. It's made me so sad.
AlexI didn't know this happened in public schools.
MerlinSo we went after school. And the place is full. And there's a volunteer by the door who has a job to do. She's a mom at the school and she's got a job to do. Her job is to stand at the door. My daughter and I are actually the first one's in. We tore ass to get over there. And I got out of the way. I just let my kid do her thing, hang back. and I happened to be standing by the door where people came in. And little kids, kindergartners, first graders, kindergartners, like little kids. And she says, backpacks outside, only kids with money. What? Backpacks outside,
only kids with money.
AlexWhat? Oh.
MerlinAnd she kept saying it so loud and she's getting exasperated because all these kids are swarming in and she has not proved that they have money. How are they kids with money in the library? Oh my God. So John Syracuse loves when I do things like this. So this was John Syracuse, his response to this boy, they must love you at school. I said to the lady at the door, one of the moms, I said, do you think there might be a better way to phrase that? And she says, I'm volunteering here. That's what they told me to do. I said, I understand. But like when a grownup says to a little kid that they can't come into something other
kids are going to because they don't have money, that could come off a little bit hurtful to somebody. If I didn't have the money, that would be hurtful to me. And she said, well, thank you very much for your opinion. I was like, okay, fine, fine, whatever, whatever, whatever. But then we found out, we got an email from one of the kids in her class, her mom, that they didn't have money for Christmas. And it had been a problem. They basically had a link to GoFundMe. And a lot of the other parents were like, oh my God, I can't believe we're doing this. This is so odd. And for a week, my wife and I were the only ones who'd given them any money.
And just the idea of that just hurt my heart. And then she wrote us a really nice thank you note. And she said, yeah, it's been bad for a while, but it got really bad during the book fair because everybody else got to go and buy stuff. And I was like, I'm sorry. That just hurt my heart so hard. Every single bit of that hurt my heart. It hurt my heart that the school was resurfacing, repurposing the library to be a store that only kids with money were allowed into. And there could be a little kid who didn't have money for a Christmas tree who wasn't allowed to go in.
And I was like, ah, this is my last year at this school and I don't want to make a big dust up. but I'll say what I said to that mom.
AlexWait, that's when you should make a big dust up, right?
MerlinIt's pretty hurtful is what it is.
AlexIt's gross. Yeah, burn it down. Yeah, I mean.
MerlinI mean, they have their reasons. Everybody in a job has their reasons. And yeah, I mean, I've made a lot of stinks about a lot of things. So I don't know. No, I'm just sharing. I'm not here to encourage activism. I'm here to just share an anecdote about like this shit's complicated. And like, yeah, it was really gross. And so my kid had a couple hundred dollars worth of stuff that we bought there. no problem like yeah she got lots of great stuff and um because we have that but not everybody has that and when you turn that public place into a den of money changers like it has an impact on the
Alexlives of little kids i had no idea public like my school did that every year but we were a gross private catholic school that you know you do everything for money when you're a church and so it was like yes we are inviting this capitalism in into our school and we're making it is fun you know uh it shut down the school for a week like it was really oh it absolutely just come in and kind of take over yeah yeah um especially because it was a very very like small area and it was it was indeed the library uh and and that's so fucking ironic it just hurts me so much how
ironic that is and and the cafeteria and just like um yeah oh and and our cafeteria was also our gym because it was really small. So no sports happened, just nothing. It was like, and if you weren't buying books, like they literally had a room for kids who were not buying books. Like it was so.
MerlinOh my God.
AlexAnd I mean, at the time I was really excited to get the newest Pony Pals.
MerlinThe thing is everybody sees that.
AlexYeah.
MerlinEverybody sees that you're in the brown room. Yeah. Like you don't get to be in the room with the kids with money who get to have stuff and a self-esteem. Did we talk about the Bo Burnham movie,
MaxEighth Grade, on this show?
MerlinWe did.
Maxdid you see it yet Merlin?
MerlinI'm meaning to see it
Maxit's on my plaques if you want to watch it
Merlinit's on my list, it's great, it's so good
MaxI think your daughter would probably like it
Merlinyeah, I've heard a lot of people say it's good for grown ups and some kids
MaxI fucking loved it but I thought that you should watch it and I'm curious to get your thoughts on it but I thought that class was a very interesting subtext in the movie, never really discussed but it was there you know the movie obviously taught as sort of about how kids use social media and i thought it was very interesting it was very apparent that one of the divisions between the cool kids and the kids that weren't cool was that there were the haves and have-nots and it was very obvious on social media you know what used to be more of like when i was in school it was maybe more of a
subtext of like there were the rich kids who when they would come back from winter break they'd have like ski lift tags on their jacket that they would leave there for a while so you could sort of see that they went on a fancy ski vacation. But now it's not even a subtext. It's like explicit, right? Because you're constantly on Instagram and Snapchat and stuff with people. So you can just see what people have and what vacations they're taking and whatever the nice car that their parents have and all that.
MerlinTheir lack of concern or self-consciousness about sharing aspects of their life because they got nothing to hide. They got something to show. That's right.
MaxYeah, that's a good way to put it. When I was in Hebrew school, Well, we had a Jewish book fair. Tell me more. I bought, I believe.
MerlinIs that where you get those little rolls and you put them on your hair? Or like, what is that? I'm thinking of something else.
MaxAre you talking about a curler?
MerlinIs that what it's called? I don't know.
MaxA Torah? A Megillah? I don't know about a roll. A mezuzah. It's a mezuzah. You don't put a mezuzah on your hair?
MerlinAnd you can't touch the book, right? You got to touch it with the stick.
MaxWell, that's true.
MerlinNow I'm just doing you look nice today, Bits.
MaxHey, let's move on.
MerlinWhose challenge is it?
MaxI think I recall I bought a biography of Steven Spielberg.
Speaker AMazel tov. Oh, my God.
MerlinIs he not a very successful filmmaker?
AlexChallenge next week is, I guess it's my challenge, is to use the Muse. I should have pulled up Muse head. Oh, yeah, that was on my list.
MaxThe Muse you can use. Get the Muse 2. That thing was fucking expensive Are we sure this was going to be worth it for the challenge? Take it out of the money
AlexOnly kids with money
MerlinOnly kids with money You know what? That's when we should change the name of the Patreon Backpacks outside Only kids with money She was so fucking mad at me She's like I'm just doing my job That's what they told me to say
AlexChallenge
MaxWe're going to hear that in all the war crimes trials for the Trump administration. Right, right, right. They told me to say that.
MerlinBackpacks outside. So just for our listeners.
MaxBackpacks outside, only kids with money.
MerlinWhat?
MaxThat's so funny. Backpacks outside, only kids with money.
MerlinOnly kids with money. And I was just like, I was really, I understood what she was trying. Basically, this glass people said to her.
AlexWait, wait, wait. Everybody, everybody pause. Cameron, do you want to stop the recording and start the recording?
MaxWhat happened?
AlexNothing. It's just preventative.
MaxAnd you're looking at two down on Tuesday, and it says pitch to the head informally, and you've got B blank, blank, blank, blank, blank, and you're just sitting there sweating with a pencil in your hand. And you're like, boy, I don't know. Is it boner?
Oh, thank God we didn't record that.
MerlinI expressed to John Roderick a few, I don't know, probably weeks or months ago at this point, I was talking about basically the idea that I'm not against the idea of meditation as a thing, but I'm not that personally interested in meditation as a spiritual pursuit. I would say on the one hand I'm much closer to a psychological interest but to be dead honest I just want results and I don't fucking care how I get it and a listener somewhere told me about this thing called the Muse headband and it was really dumb
but I just wanted you guys to try out this thing basically this is this Muse 2 the new edition of this you put it on and you choose the kind of meditation that you want to do and it's doing it's recording it's watching your brain waves it's watching your breathing depending on what you do and I just want you guys to try it I mean, I'm stealing your challenge here, Alex, but that was how it came to me.
AlexOh, no. And yeah, this, I mean, I'm sure we'll get into it next week, but I want to understand how dragging your brain waves and how it. There's another app.
MerlinThere's several apps on the App Store that are not the official Muse app that will show you the raw data.
AlexAll right. I am. I wonder if I can wear this to church and maybe with a hat over it.
MerlinI wonder if I can wear this.
AlexNo, because to Sunday Mass. I wonder if... Wait, do you go to Sunday Mass? Yes. Every Sunday? Occasionally.
MerlinYou know what you should do? You should put a problematic feather in it and say you're a Native American.
AlexOh, God. Or a pickup artist.
MaxOh, wait. Wait a minute. A pickup artist. A cyborg pickup artist.
AlexOh, God. Cameron, why can't I hear Max right now?
MaxI can't hear me either.
AlexYeah.
MaxOh, I think I hit my button.
AlexOh.
MaxThat's fine. Alex, you can say that you're a cyborg pickup artist. You could go to the Marvelous Miss Marvel, and you could wear the feather. Here's the deal. You're going to wear your muse with the feather in it, and you're going to go- And you throw your drink on somebody. Yeah, you're going to go- It's called nagging. You're going to go, hey, ladies, notice anything interesting?
Are you hypnotized by my rings?
MerlinSo, yeah, do this headband. My big tip is- It sounds gross. You really do need to wet the contact points. It works a lot better. Wet the contact points. Wet the contact points.
AlexMax was like, wait, why do we both need one? And I'm like, ah, I have a feeling we're both.
Speaker AKids with money only.
AlexOh, God, it's a big banging on the table.
MaxThey should have Alan Rickman work at that book. That book, that book, that book.
Speaker ABack back. Backpacks outside. Cloaks and wands outside. Miss Grinja.
Kids with money only. Kids with money only. You there. Produce your coins. Draw your coins from your purse. Show your water scholastic books. Maker of the Harry Potter series. Quite successful, I think you'll find. You there.
MaxWe didn't even talk about the big Harry Potter.
Speaker Ayou there you have no coppers to share i said kids with money only merlin do you know how
Maxhow jk rowling periodically like pops her head out like a like a groundhog and she makes a proclamation like a cup i remember last year she at one point she was just like uh there was a jewish student at hogwarts okay bye do you remember that oh is this the thing about shit so she just i don't understand this tell me about what happened last week where they said actually Hogwarts only got plumbing like recently and before that the young wizards and witches they would just do a dookie wherever they were standing and they would use a spell to clean it up so you would just
if you had to go if you needed to make a number two you'd just let it go and it would just run down your legs and you'd be standing there in your soiled wizard rose and then you'd get your wand and you'd go Vanish me poopus And it would It would clean itself up
Speaker AIt's not very good
AlexAs soon as you think about it Like Underage magic is banned And like What do they do Mom Mom
MerlinIt's just more proof That this place Is the most poorly run Educational facility Of all time
MaxThere's kids sitting In the dining hall And they're making Eye contact with each other Just in public And just pissing at me
MerlinImagine, like, all the phone calls you have to make on a Monday morning. Yes, that's right.
Speaker AYour young daughter was killed in one of the challenges when a shark boy was unable to remove her from being bound underwater. Also, apparently, your son has shot himself. Uh, excuse me one moment.
And I'm back. All right, that'll do it.
MaxI'll do it.
Speaker AHe he he he he he. Do do do do do do. All right. I. Children with money only. mr. potter have you no wizard coins go to gringotts go to gringotts if you were a choir scholastic poster of the golden state warriors if you wish to have a funny pen with a puppy on it perhaps you could produce the coppers.
You're not a kid with money. I'll go sit over. I'll go sit over here. Ron Weasley! Ron Weasley!
Ron Weasley! You and your strangely red-haired weirdo family live in a treehouse. How could you afford to be in the scholastic area? Was I not clear? Only kids with money! Go shit yourself in the brown room, Weasley I'm crying Your father works for the government Your father works for the government You can't afford scholastic books He's a government worker He's on a partial shutdown You've been furloughed As a non-essential wizard
You've been furloughed Furloughed to ask, ban Kids with money only
Thank you.
Thank you.
You're gonna have to work on it. vocês your face.
Alexperò Oh
GRRRRRRR You