111. Heavy Petting

AlexThis is Do By Friday, a weekly challenge podcast with Merlin Mann, Alex Cox and Max Temkin. This week's challenge, have a holiday party.

Speaker AOh boy, hang on.

Speaker BHello.

Speaker AHey, there's that guy.

Speaker BAm I too loud? Am I too loud? No, you're delicious.

MaxNo, never. Previously on Survivor.

MerlinSurvivor.

MaxOh, ah!

MerlinIs that the noise? And then they make this,

MaxI like when they go to vote and there's the backward, there's the backward chanting.

MerlinI hate Jeff Pro so fucking much. Why? We were three episodes in before a catchphrase became, Shut up, Jeff. I'm going to go count up the votes.

MaxShut up, Jeff. When the challenge really gets cooking and he starts prowling like a big jungle cat and he's like, the contestant's getting real tired now. This is a true test of the upper body strength. Those arms are getting wobbly right now.

MerlinYou can just taste that delicious fried chicken. Shut up, Jeff. Fucking Jeff. You know, believe in yourself like Jeff Probst believes he brings anything to the situation.

AlexOkay, all right, dig, dig, dug. Three times, Cable.

MerlinCable Master's here.

AlexHey, it's Cable.

MerlinHow's it going? Welcome to our dedicated Survivor podcast.

Speaker BI don't think I've ever seen an episode of Survivor, so.

MaxWell, Cable, I'm here to tell you that this is the season to start. Everybody's talking about it, you know?

Speaker BI've heard rumors.

MaxYeah.

MerlinIt's real good. I'm going to tell you what I tell all my kids, Cable. It's a terrible, terrible show that's very good. I watch a lot of those. It's so bad. Everyone's here.

AlexOh, no. Oh, no. Oh, no. No, no, no, no, no. Everyone.

MerlinNo, Marco, no, no, no. I'm hearing voices.

AlexAll right. He's on video. Glad to be here as well. Yay. Wait, are we getting shunned already?

MaxCan I tell you my peeling story? I have a peeling story.

Speaker BYeah, I like to listen to those. Oh, hey, Cable. Oh, hey, Marco, how are you?

MaxOne time I went to the Apple store and I got a new phone. And, you know, I always go in and I have a little script. I've gotten enough iPhones that I have a little script for myself now where I'm just like, uh hello i purchased the new iphone i don't want the personal setup i just want the phone leave it in the box i know how to do everything i'll restore you know i know how to restore from backup i just want the phone please and they sometimes they don't listen and the guy started opening the phone and talking me through how to set it up and everything and then he peeled the thing right off the face of the phone no i think it was the iphone 4 that real nice that real nice

Speaker Bflat one oh yeah like the really strong plastic the really solid yes it was like the the flappy

Maxthe like yes and then it had one on the front and the back and i think that the guy peel both and i was and i was like visibly upset and and he was like was i not supposed to peel that and i was like no you weren't supposed to peel that definitely you were not supposed to do that that's a bad peel that's like half that's half the point of getting the new phone what else am i supposed to be excited about the camera did you ask for another one no i walked out like a cuck because i got i got peel cucked marco won't even peel my phone even after he sets

Alexthe whole thing up.

MaxWell,

Merlinmy lady woman.

Speaker BI'm extremely sorry to hear about that, Max.

MaxYou guys ever get a hangnail and you go to peel the hangnail and you think one of these times I'm going to get it and my whole skin's going to catch. No. And I'm going to peel my whole skin off like a snake and I'm going to go slow. Slow and steady, one smooth motion and you're going to go, this is it. This is my big moment. It's all coming off. No.

AlexNo. Never thought that. All right, everyone. Good night. Never thought that.

MerlinIt's like open an Amazon package. Just real slow.

AlexMax, can you introduce our first time guest on Dubai Friday, Cable Sasser?

MaxHello. Previously on Dubai Friday.

AlexNo, previously. No, previously.

MaxAt the Goliath tribe, there was a clear divide between the ATP crowd and the panic crowd.

AlexOh, boy.

MaxYou can see those legs are getting wobbly. But on the Dubai Friday tribe. He's been holding five pound sandbags for seven hours. I don't even know who's here. I'm hearing voices, but I don't know who's here.

AlexAll right, all right. Jazz girl, take in charge. Cable Sasser, welcome to Dubai Friday. Thank you so much for being here. We also, I believe, have Tiffany and Marco Arment on the line. Is that correct? I hope, maybe? Yep. Sure is. Yeah. Merlin's here, too. I'm an echoey monster because I'm in the kitchen. Oh.

Speaker BYeah, Tiff is ready to...

AlexI was told to be baking something.

Speaker BWell, baking in finger quotes.

AlexMarco, did you send your wife to the kitchen? She can come back here and use the good mic whenever she wants. We're very firm in our gender roles. Thank you. It's for America, you guys.

MaxI'm bringing back American values. Most importantly, though, what temperature is the house? Oh, over 70.

Speaker BWhat? We set everything around in the high 60s usually. We'll set things at like 68, 69, 70.

MaxNesty says 73 because the fireplace is on. Okay. Well, 73 is a very woke temperature. It's very woke. I feel woke.

AlexGod.

MaxAnd on 78, I would say you'd be canceled. Or excuse me, 68. You're canceled.

AlexRight.

MaxThat's a sexist.

AlexWell, the fireplace is on, so it's getting everything all toasty. Yeah. Holiday toasty. My heat is at 63. You're getting holiday toasty. I'm already a little holiday toasty.

MaxDid you guys do the Macintosh podcast just now?

Speaker BYes, we did. What did you talk about? You know, bullshit. Our usual. We complained about some stuff, and then we gave some tech advice.

MaxWhat, are they making new computers? No, they're good little tech boys. They're talking about stuff.

AlexOh, do you think the battery case is going to come out?

Speaker BYou know, we didn't talk about that. It sure looks like it would. It sounds kind of cool. I think it looks fine. The old one, we all made fun of it, but it actually was pretty good. It sure came out. We all kind of shut up about it after we tried it. So, yeah, it's not bad. Oh, we talked about RAD. What's RAD? What's up? RAD? It's NPR's new standard for tracking people in podcasts. Hey, you already did that show. The show's over.

MaxThe show's over. New show. It sounds like they're reinventing the podcast landscape with all new listener analytics.

MerlinMarco, let me explain all the ways that you can help me with this. There are so many ways that you can help me with this. You help me, you help Gimlet. Come on.

Speaker BThere are so many benefits to you if I do this. Help me help you.

I see.

Speaker BHelp me helping you. What does RAD stand for? Remote Audio Data. Good. Good. Solid. Really awesome dudes.

MaxSomething about it. It sounds cool. Like it does skateboard tricks.

Speaker BNo. I mean, it is a really good acronym for something cool, but this isn't that.

MaxWhen I think of what's cool, I think of like a cool guy and he's on the skateboard and he does like a 720 Ollie. and then right at the apex of the, when he's upside down, he does a dynamically inserted ad for a brand that I know and love. And then he comes back down and he sticks in the landing and he, you know. That is rad. Maybe he pops open a Mountain Dew.

AlexHe's the Poochie of podcasts. Oh, my God.

MaxAll right. Well, the Poochie of podcasts is our good friends at ZipRecruiter, who I recently learned are major advertisers on the Tucker Carlson program. One of the last brands not to pull their ads from Tucker Carlson. Thank you, ZipRecruiter.

MerlinI have to believe that your tweet is going to change a lot of lives, Max.

MaxThank you.

MerlinI'm going to drop it like a bad habit. No more ZipRecruiter.

MaxI'm taking a stand, Merlin. Use the code PODSAVEAMERICA for 20% off.

MerlinWell, what we'll do is Marco's going to dynamically insert an ad for ZipRecruiter that's also an ad. Then we'll dynamically insert that into everybody's Gimlet feed because we have a whole new show that we're doing with Cole Haan Shoes sponsored by Gimlet. Dynamic insertion. Jesus fucking Christ. I got dynamic inserted something, and it was just a show, and then there's a dynamic insertion. I got to listen to the fucking show, and at the end, there's two other ads for shows that they're doing. There's a meta meta ad. It's not okay. That's not super cool rad dog on a skateboard.

I don't like that at all. Dynamically inserted for her pleasure.

AlexYou guys know Casper.

Speaker BMake good.

AlexWait a minute.

Speaker BHang on.

Alexall right i think we should start the show are we starting the show wow that's a noise i made uh those are all my best jokes wasted cable sasser i know that you are a very very regular listener of do you by friday do you know

Speaker Bwhat my name is quick oh shit oh good answer good answer this must be this must be jen

Alexthis is indeed jen just frantically frantically googling

Speaker BYeah.

MerlinHow did I do? Did I get it right? Casey's here. Hi. How are you? Hi, Casey. Hi, Casey. How's it going, buddy? Happy holiday party. Hey, same to you. How's things? Oh, we got a lot of people here. Oh, my gosh. It's like a CNN panel in here.

MaxOh, it is. Let's all go around the table and say something that we peeled recently that was really satisfying.

AlexOh, my God. Something that we peeled? Yeah, you know, when you get a good peel.

MerlinDon't overthink it. Don't overthink it.

AlexOoh, I had some good tape the other day. real good i got a zit on the right side of my nose oh no i had a good label peel like it just came right off like in one piece no residue oh it was so sweet it was so sweet that is the sweetest nectar when it comes right off yep and then it left me with a sweet container like just a really good container i can reuse it's right like uh let's see because it's reduced reuse recycle so i'm in number two zone number two with the reuse peel in the label i'm gonna i'm gonna

Maxgive Dubai Friday's shameful call out of the week. Can someone do a bell or something? Thank you. It's Dubai Friday's shameful call out of the week to the Crate and Barrel Corporation for the fucking gummy labels that stick all over my plates and all my bullshit. They take so long. And they hurt my fingernails. It's a bad company. Stop putting the stick gummy labels on everything. I just want my

Alexbowl. You know how people are mad about plastic straws? Can we invent something like this adhesive is bad for the turtles so then everyone will just stop using it? and then it would be it would be good there's a whole bunch of sticky turtles like in this camp ad campaign yeah and they're all stuck to stuff yeah yeah they're all stuck together

Merlinseal the seal with an eel seal with an eel same kind of thing you got to have a setup of an adorable animal with like a with like a crate and barrel stick and then there's like a shark stuck

Alexto it too and like eating one edge of the turtles and it's like all stuck together in a big wad

Maxalex you're saying we're gonna have to do a false flag so what we're gonna do is we're gonna find the turtles we're going to stick them together with the crate and barrel things and then the city of chicago is going to pass an ordinance banning the stickers yeah just got to get the turtles to chicago i'm really into but trouble double triple turns out what if it turns out that the stickers are important to people say with disabilities and now who knows what the more woke position is shame on me oh well fuck riddle riddle me that batman

Merlinwe got my we got my daughter a loft from pottery barn it's totally sweet and we overpriced and

Alexit's wouldn't you say alex it's a pretty sweet loft oh yes i was very very jealous it's got it's got a desk it's got bookshelves it looks like what everyone wants their college dorm to be

Merlinand then is vastly disappointed so i'm so envious i i made her let me sleep in it one night but we um we uh it's got a sticker on it's got a sticker right there on the desk and it's it's not a nice sticker. I don't know if these pottery barn people are mobbed up at the crate and barrel people. I wouldn't be surprised if they're in cahoots. But it was a very, very bad sticker. So on the one hand, over here on the continuum, you've got the sticker where as soon as your nail pierces it, you know it's going to be a flawless peel. And then you've got the kind over here where you're like, oh, fuck. You started and it's already breaking.

Was it a warning label? What was it exactly? I don't know. I'll get a photo. It was probably something warning me about the loft.

MaxThis loft is known to contain chemicals known to the state of California to cause cancer and birth defects

MerlinOh no, my pregnant daughter

AlexNo, we have a giant sticker on our IKEA loft and it does not come off It says all over, don't remove and you try and remove it and it just makes a disaster

MerlinHave you tried Goo Gone?

AlexNo, I haven't tried it because it's particle board I'm a big fan of Goo Gone It'll eat right through, Jerry I use that stuff a lot

Speaker BMy son covered the back of his iPad with stickers uh lego stickers is he my curly oh god stickers are you my curly dad hello governor it was

Merlinimpossible for me to take those off impossible oh it's the worst gugon is awesome oh that stuff is up there with that coffee cleaner stuff i like it's just magic i literally used like a paint

Speaker Bscraper on the back of the ipad directly which made me very uncomfortable wait do you have this the spray one the spray yes i use the spray gugon it's great oh wow i even use the the gel version which is the goo gone that sticks which is the higher level of goo gone are you looking through

Alexour cabinet to see what we have well i'm walking around doing chores i'm hanging out in the kitchen like what else am i gonna do over here this mobile podcasting unit is is very distracting oh happy holiday party everybody we're gonna develop some spatial awareness marco arment who's to say marco arment is in an office tiff arment is in the arment kitchen Correct?

With Alexa. Yeah. Alexa, play Get It Started in Here. What's that song? Get It Started in Here. Alexa, what's that song, Get It Started in Here? Alexa, play that party song.

MerlinI think you stumped her. Alexa, what's the song that goes, Get This Party Started in Here? Alexa, stop.

AlexOh, we have someone else on the call.

MerlinHi.

AlexOh, is that the Ariadne Grande? What? Yes, we have.

MerlinAlexa, select number one.

AlexCasey, is this Casey Liss?

MerlinYes, it is. Hello. How are you?

AlexWell, I'm sure I am having a night.

MerlinOh, Merlin. Merlin, don't over-engineer it. It'll be fine. Don't worry about what we're going to talk about in what order.

MaxOh, I know what I want to talk about. So Cable's here. So, you know, Cable and I share an interest in discussing snacks and treats. And later in the podcast, now Cable's discovered a whole new sort of green pastures territory of disgusting treats that we're going to get into later tonight. I'm extremely

Alexexcited. But Cable and I... Wait, so it's later? So should I leave my mobile unit and come back later? Yes! Come to the office! Oh no, mine's already

Merlincooked! Oh, I've made terrible

Maxchoices already. I think we might find out if it gets better over time. Yeah. I'm going to find that out

Speaker Btoo. I suspect it doesn't.

MaxBut, you know, Cable and I, among other things, we have a strong affinity for sort of McDonald's branding and McDonald's history and McDonald's menu items. And we recently made some plans to meet up later this year in Chicago and check out the Sweets and Treats Expo at McCormick Place. And I think we're going to hang out with our friend Chef Mike at McDonald's. And we're going to have a whole weekend of disgusting treats.

Speaker BI have been to the Sweets and Snack Expo before, and it was an incredible event. I highly recommend it. Have you been,

MaxMax? You've been? Oh, I have been. Now, I went through, like, Homer Simpson in Chocoland where I was dancing from booth to booth to, like, orchestral music and eating things. And I came across a booth that sold exotic insects dipped in chocolate. And I just popped – before even I looked, I just popped one right in my mouth and I ate a cricket.

AlexWonderful. You're an adventurer.

Speaker BIs it also true that the McDonald's in Chicago has, like, a special McDonald's products from around the world menu? Is that a real thing? Oh, that is real.

MaxOh, my God. I got to go now. Oh, it's great. It's great. And I think, I mean, I can't make any promises here because this is not my tour to promise. But if Chef Mike is so kind as to show us around, they also have like, how do I put this? They have a testing kitchen environment at the McDonald's where they have every machine that's in every McDonald's everywhere in the country. Yes.

AlexOh, my God. This is where I'm meant to be.

MaxYeah. Yep, and I just sat there talking about food-safe temperatures with Chef Mike and pointing at different machines and going, how do you clean that? How do you clean that one? It was one of the greatest days of my life.

Speaker BMax, are you familiar at all with the McDonald's Vision 2020 program in which every store has been mandated to both remodel and remove any reference or vestige of Ronald McDonald from their store before 2020? What?

MaxI did not know that. Wow. he's getting just like completely memory hold he's out they're declouting him now wait why is we need to start some sort of trotskyist like rebellion to like preserve that like do we make some pamphlets like remember ronald yes no yes we do no one else because they're gonna they're gonna airbrush him out of uh all the pictures here we go cable we're getting it okay hear me

Speaker Bout we're getting a train okay i'm in all right uh i have a friend here in portland whose dad and this is top secret information was like the regional Ronald McDonald, like would, would travel to the stores, perform at the stores, uh, Washington, Oregon, Idaho, I think. And a hundred percent laid off last year. And it was like a devastating blow. It was not a good scene. So Ronald is dead. He's gone. No more.

MerlinThat's a, that's a tough career change. Mid clown. Everybody wants to hire a young clown.

MaxYou're going to have to go to a clown continuing education college.

MerlinYeah. You could just, well, you just go around and you get, You could hire two young clowns for the same price.

MaxThat's a shame. Now, Cable, that's a pretty good poll.

MerlinDo you really want to see a clown in his retirement, though? It's a long day to kill.

MaxEverybody, in your free time, look up Dana Carvey's show, Grandma Clown. But anyhow, Cable, that's a pretty good poll. But do you know about McDonald's secret website for black people, black365.com?

Speaker BNo, I did not know about this.

MaxIt's a wonderful little corner of the internet, my friend. And I don't know what it says now, but at one point it said, I believe the opening line on the site was like the roots of the majestic baobab tree. No, no.

MerlinNo, they did not.

MaxIt totally did.

Speaker BOh, yeah.

MaxGod.

Speaker BIt is not that now. I believe it's pronounced baobab. Baobab. Excuse me. Baobab.

AlexBaobab. Baobab. Baobab. Baobab. Baobab. Baobab.

MaxBaobab.

MerlinHey, hey, I think I see a little elfin boy up there.

AlexWhat? What?

MerlinLook in the program Skype.

AlexOkay. The program. We have our engineer. I'm not looking at Skype. We have an engineer. We're professionals here. By an elf, do you mean Link? Is Mr. John Syracuse here?

MerlinZelda. Zelda's the... Yeah, well, he doesn't speak until spoken to.

AlexHi, Mr. Syracuse.

Speaker AOh, are we starring now? Let me play your notes. John's here. I'm just over here eating some delicious treats.

Wondering why cable sounds so different.

Speaker BHow do I sound?

Speaker AI don't know. you got like a sort of a radio voice filter thing on. I joined the call, I joined the call and it was like, did you know what they're phasing out wrong? I'm like, oh, that must be cable. But why does he sound all weird?

AlexOh,

Maxis it the Roman Mars filter? Because that's a huge one. I think he's got, I think he might have the Dickerson. Maybe he's got the Dickerson.

Speaker BHe's got the Dickerson. I don't know how to do this. Yeah. I'll try to get more spazzy and loud.

Speaker ABecause I know what real life cable sounds like.

Speaker BI'm just not it. It sounds like you, it sounds like it's six in the morning and you've been up all night talking. and maybe smoking cigarettes as well.

Speaker AThis is his whiskey and cigarettes voice. Yeah, exactly. He must be these mug treats. Whiskey and mixed cigarettes.

MaxOh, I'm not supposed to mention the mug treats yet. Mixed cigarettes. Sorry. That's what happens if you spend a little too long in the founder's room. Right.

Speaker BOkay, I'll talk normally.

MaxWell, Alex, you know I hate to be a diva, but I did request eggnog and cognac, and what we have is vodka and hippie cow peppermint bark.

Speaker Bhave you had eggnog recently I tell you what it's not that good actually

Alexwell you bought the lactate eggnog like it's fake oh

Speaker BI bought two fake eggnogs one coconut milk based and one lactate one because I couldn't find anything good in the regular store that was right here neither of them are good they're both quite different but I'm wondering do I just hate eggnog is eggnog always mediocre is that why they only sell it for a week a year so that you don't realize the rest of the year.

AlexYou've got to have the homemade eggnog. Do you think so, really? Yes.

MaxYes. What is eggnog? It never occurred to me that that's enough of a food that you could make it.

AlexWell, you take an egg and you nog it. Oh, okay.

Speaker BIt's like a bunch of raw eggs and heavy cream, right?

AlexYeah, you just whip up the eggs. It's like meringue. You make meringue and you put heavy cream and sugar and all kinds of good stuff. Then you drink it. Then you drink it.

MerlinDid you guys ever have glug?

AlexOh. No.

MerlinOh, is that when the bodybuilders drink the eggs? Glug, let me just tell you, buddy. I'm going to warn you about glug, and it's still not enough warning.

AlexThe word glug is enough warning. The name glug is warning.

Speaker BI don't think I would drink something named glug just based on the name alone. It rhymes with glug. Like, come on.

MerlinGlugy, have a glug. People will say to you, now be careful. You're going to a holiday party with glug. Just remember, you're going to be real careful with that. And you go, thanks for the warning. It's basically all of the alcohol.

AlexI don't think they invite us to those parties.

MerlinOh, a jungle juice.

AlexJungle juice. Oh, I missed that.

MerlinI think it's got Aquavit. Is it Aquavit that's in it?

AlexNo, that's made in a big, huge storage Tupperware in the basement and dumped some fruit cocktail in there and all the alcohol and it's jungle juice. Wait a minute.

MaxI thought Glug was the hot fortified wine. What? That is not how you make jungle juice.

AlexCasey, how do you think you make it?

Speaker BHow does Casey make jungle juice? Does it involve Velveeta?

AlexCasey, is this like the thing of like you clink glasses and then the jungle juice is created?

Speaker BNo, no, no, no, no. Is it like bug juice? No, no, no. So you go to a wedding and you clink together two plastic cups. No.

MerlinAlso, that is an inside joke that no one will understand. You're supposed to hit it with a fork. Ding, ding, ding, ding, ding. No, no, no. Here's the thing. So if you're going to make jungle juice, first thing you need to do is if you're going to school in Blacksburg, Virginia, like I did, you need to drive to West Virginia because you need a bottle of Everclear. I'm out. When you drive to West Virginia, you get your Everclear. That's like an Aqua Feed is like Swedish Everclear. Okay, so there you go. So then you bring the Everclear back. Stop off in Ohio. It's right there, and they have Steak and Shake.

AlexWait, the whole point of Jungle Juice is there is no recipe. Yeah. It's the Jungle Juice. Okay, that is fair. It's an exploration. You forage and you pour. That's it. It's a bottle.

MerlinWell done. So it's a bottle of Everclear, a bottle or two of Sprite, and then some sort of concentrated fruit mix like Fruit Punch or something like that, like you would get in the freezer section. It is truly and utterly awful, but it will utterly destroy you, which is the whole point when you're 19, 21, 23 years old.

Speaker BSo you start with a bottle of Everclear, light it on fire, and then drink something better.

MerlinNo, if you're having a nog, what do you – Like, nog that you buy at, like, a 7-Eleven, that's just a bunch of eggs in a carton. Like, what do you – do you put vodka in that, or how do you spike it?

AlexYou usually spike it with rum, right? Yeah, rum or cognac. Well, I went into a Target, which at rush hour, you really shouldn't go into a city Target, and said, where's your eggnog? And a nice red-shirted person handed me a bottle of something. Max, what's in that bottle?

Speaker BI don't know. So I'm drinking this. Were you in the fridge section or was it just like a random part of the store?

AlexIt was like the holiday section. Have you been in a new Target?

MerlinAutomotive section seems good for eggnog. Alex acknowledges drink reception. Marco, it's funny.

MaxMarco, it's funny that you ask that because I'm staring at this bottle of tippy cow rum cream peppermint bark, and it's not bad. It tastes, I don't know. It sounds like heavy petting and regret.

Just put it in the coffee cup. On one side of the bottle, it says made with real dairy cream. And then if you turn the other side of the bottle around, it says no refrigeration necessary. Oh, God. That's when consumed within six months of open.

AlexSix months? Yep, it is. Very much room temperature right now.

MaxAnd it's not, I'm going to say it's not hot, but it's not cold either.

AlexOh, no. All right, I got my mom's eggnog recipe. You ready for this? It has six egg yolks, one cup of granulated sugar, two quarts light cream, six egg whites, a half a cup of confectionery sugar. Then you take all that, you mix it. Okay. In a large bowl, beat egg yolks until thick. Gradually add the sugar. Beat until light. Add cream. Beating until well combined. Slowly stir in rum. Refrigerate. Cover until well chilled. About an hour before serving, beat the egg whites until frothy. Gradually adding confectionary sugar. Beating until, you know, it gets floofy.

And then you put that on top and you sprinkle it with some cinnamon.

Speaker BSo it's basically an uncooked lemon meringue pie without the lemon and with rum. Yeah.

AlexYeah, it's cocktail pie. Crustless cocktail pie. I decided to treat myself with a tiny bottle of Tito's, so I'm having my Tito's and Diet Coke mixed together. It's very exciting. Why are you ruining that Tito's with Diet Coke? It's the holiday tradition. Casey, go have your Everclear. My goodness.

MerlinI mean, I love me some Diet Coke, but if you're going to have Tito's, just do it properly. Is that Zeph Chancery on the label?

AlexOh, on the label of the tippy cow?

MerlinNo, no, of the Tito's. Because it looks like it might be Zap Chancery. And that's what always puts me off.

MaxWell, it's Zap Chancery, but I think it's like, it's like, it's made, it was made italic in a program that will inflict italics on typefaces without an italic face. I want to go with Mistral. Do you know how there's like some programs where like if the typeface doesn't ship with an italic, it will just sort of rotate every character 30 degrees? It makes sense. It sort of forced this typeface into an italic formation.

AlexOh.

MaxThat's an assault. That's an assault. It's like a forced march. It looks drunk.

MerlinI know that I kid about Tito's, but then I get it on a plane and I'm real happy. They just give it to you. They just give you the little bottle. It's so nice.

AlexWhat planes are you on that they're just giving you alcohol? Well, never mind.

MerlinOh, sorry, sorry. I'm sorry, Alex. but we have a thing called money. We use plastic card for money. Give money plastic cards. Your playing boy give you Tito with a forced italic.

It's me, Tito. Hey, happy holidays, everybody. It's me, Tito. Tito, you know Tito's a pan man. You know Tito's a pan man. Tito sounds like the doodler.

MaxI like to get in a workout before school. Merlin, you're going pretty hard at Alex, but have you considered this? What if she wins immunity? Now you're fucked.

AlexUh-huh. Or what if I can block Merlin's immunity?

MerlinOh, I got a double idol. I got a double idol in my little penis pouch down here. It's going to throw you off. Now, how did they get the null thing in there before they even went to count? No spoilers. You know what? Save it.

Speaker ANo spoilers.

MerlinSave it. Save it. Save it.

MaxYeah. Wait, John, are you going to watch Survivor?

Speaker AI've been watching Survivor since the first year, but I didn't. Layers of an onion. Oh, my God. Layers of an onion. I took a break last year, so I'm behind.

AlexHow have you kept this secret? You're a secret survivor.

MaxI don't know. I'm not going to spoil anything, but on the David vs. Goliath, this is my first season of Survivor, and there's a character in David vs. Goliath who is my Syracuse analog.

AlexHe is the best. Yes. He is everybody's, like, OTP.

MerlinYou guys, when he tells the stories, he tells the stories. Oh, my God. He's up on the cross. Oh, my God. Yeah. There is a crucifixion. There is a live crucifixion on this show. Anyway, we're having eggnog, and we're going to have treats.

AlexYes, yes.

MaxIs that right? Yeah, Cable. So, okay, so let's get into this. So I follow with great interest Cable's Twitter feed where he posts his disgusting treats and discoveries. And there's been sort of a new genre. Like this is like brand new, like unsettled territory here. It's something I've never tried, and it's something called a mug treat. and Cable's been posting about these. Mug treats. Mug treats. Mug treats.

Speaker BOh. They just sort of showed up. And from what I can gather, this was maybe like an Instagram slash social media thing that the food conglomerates decided to piggyback off of and sort of cashed on. That's exactly right. Posting recipes for mug-based things.

MerlinPeople were making these at home on their own. I mean, there's also like, it seems like a second cousin of Just Crack an Egg. Have you seen Just Crack an Egg? No. Yeah, it's the same deal. You take a mug, you crack an egg in it, and you have whatever kind of breakfast holocaust that you want by putting an egg into something from this brand. It's called Just Crack an Egg. Just Crack an Egg.

AlexWhat the fuck is wrong? Just Crack an Egg.

MerlinAnd with these, like, you just put the smallest amount of milk or water in some of them. Add a tablespoon of water. Or apple juice. We don't have apple juice. I'm going full eggnog. I have so many of these. And my wife found these today. My wife found them. She made a noise from the pantry. You ordered the variety pack, right? A variety pack?

AlexWe got three.

MerlinOh, no, I got two variety packs, and I got one of my own, too. And my wife, I actually heard coming from the pantry, what is this? A, it's pancake in a cup, and B, it's for my work.

Speaker BI have some questions about the pancake one. Yes. I assume that's not separate pancakes. It's just like a mug of a pancake, right?

Speaker AIt makes a stack of pancakes when you're micro-edged. Well, hold on.

MerlinIf you look at the box, there is a stack of three miniature pancakes next to the mug.

Speaker AYeah, the box wouldn't lie.

MerlinPart of your balanced breakfast. I'm looking at all the boxes here.

Speaker AHere's the thing that's going to blow your mind. I don't want to spoil the pancake one because I've already had it, but there is this particular aspect of the pancake one that really puts it over the top in terms of grossness.

MaxSo this is something from the Duncan Hines Corporation. Correct. I'm going to open the box. So one thing I'm curious to find out is on the front of the box, it shows a sort of a mug and then a fully formed baked treat where there's like a spoon coming in and scooping it out. And what I'm curious about is what's in here? Because is it going to be like a goo?

Speaker BNow, you're specifically referring to the mug treats, right?

Speaker AI did this already, and I can tell you what's in there. But I think the brand gives you a hint. Duncan Hines.

Speaker BYeah, so is it basically just like a bunch of small cake mixes with a whole bunch of weird stuff?

Speaker ALook at what the first ingredient is on every single one of these boxes. It's sugar, right?

Speaker BOr flour? Sugar.

Speaker AWhat's your guess? What's the first ingredient?

Speaker BOh, yeah, sugar. Pancakes? I'm going to say sugar.

AlexFlour. Flour.

Speaker BFlour.

Speaker AFlour?

Speaker BIs it flour? Sugar. It seems like it's very much like oatmeal packets, but it's like...

AlexOh, there's a lot of packets in here. Max just opened it.

Speaker AI originally thought there was going to be a cup inside there, and I was disappointed that it wasn't like a cup.

MaxYeah, I too expected a mug. Why does this thing assume that I'm classy enough to own my own mug?

Speaker ADon't use a mug that you care about.

MaxWhy would I be buying the mug treats, like individual breakfast treat for one, if I owned a mug already? What does this thing think I am, a Rockefeller?

Speaker AWell, you've got to already own a microwave.

MaxFour envelopes, no mug. No, John, they've got a microwave at the library.

Speaker BPlease don't use my coffee mug for this.

AlexI'm using my coffee mug. It's Aperture Science. We're doing science. It's doing it in the Aperture Science mug.

MerlinThat's reasonable. Alex, did you end up getting a microwave? Did you end up getting an Alexa microwave?

AlexAll right, quick. All right, it's going to be a good story. It's okay to say no. It's going to be a good story. One, I ordered the microwave. Two, the USPS man in an email said that the Alexa microwave wasn't coming. Three, I just went to Target and bought another microwave. four uh my uh the lovely spouse of mine matchy went to uh ups and was like is is there a package here and uh five now there are two microwaves in the studio one alas enabled one not it's

10 points to griffin did you get a tbsp we need a tbsp a teaspoon no no we need a tbsp tablespoon A tablespoon. No, I asked that. And then, but this, okay.

MerlinAre we doing this? Are we doing this?

AlexYeah, I'm already making mine with nog. It's good, it's good.

Speaker BOh, no, no, nog. Which flavor are we starting with?

MaxThe pancakes are going to be nog cakes. Alex, we got to get a TBSP.

AlexAre you afraid to not use a tablespoon?

MaxCan we describe what's going on? I'm starting with the Duncan Hines. I'm starting with the Duncan Hines brand blueberry muffin. You have blueberry muffin?

Speaker AI didn't get blueberry muffin.

MaxYou didn't get blueberry muffin.

Speaker AOh, what a rip-off. I got double pancakes, by the way. The worst flavor.

AlexI got red velvet, which is the most lie of a cake.

MaxOn the front of the package, it says on the front here, why not try adding one TBSP chopped nut prior to baking?

AlexEw.

MaxDid you get me chopped nut? No, I'm sorry.

AlexI'm going to try the buttermilk pancake. I should explain that I was trying to send everybody these same treats.

MerlinSmell the powder. Smell it. Smell the powder.

AlexYeah. Nobody has the same, though, because it's almost regional. I couldn't get everybody.

MerlinIt smells like Alex Jones powder, Alex. It smells like Alex Jones powder.

AlexI know.

MaxI know. Cable, please, could you tell us, can you kind of tell us, describe the mug treat landscape to us? Because there's multiple companies that make these. Yeah.

Speaker BSo, you know, everybody's fighting for this territory. It's hot business. Hot mug treats. Dot com. You know, both Duncan Hines and Mrs. Butterworths are both going head to head. Duncan Hines has the perfect size for one, whereas Mrs. Butterworths has the breakfast for one. And they seem to be in fierce competition with each other.

MaxDoes anyone make a you will kill yourself in a hotel room after you eat this one?

AlexOh, man. That is on brand for me.

Speaker BWho want to buy things for one? Want to be reminded of that? That's what I don't understand. It seems very sad to me. And that's why I think Betty Crocker Mug Treats, you know, that's a much better name. It's less depressing. The other advantage of Betty Crocker Mug Treats is that it also includes the frosting, which the other ones definitely do not, which you will notice soon. So there isn't enough sugar in it.

AlexOkay, I'm running the microwave and it's messing with all the equipment. Max is eating his raw. Max is eating his raw. Oh, Max. This is what, is it like cookie dough?

Speaker BYeah, it's good.

AlexOh, okay.

Speaker BIs it like fun dip? Is it like a packet of sugar? Oh, God, what a time.

MerlinStirring this around with a plastic knife, takeout knife, 837. 837 on a Monday night is the saddest I have ever felt.

AlexOh, oh, there's some smells coming from the microwave I'm not comfortable with.

Speaker AMake sure you stir it good. Do not leave any unstirred powder. Trust me.

AlexBut, John, I have a problem. I have chocolate and vanilla. I have dark chocolate and white chocolate chips in mine, and I'm trying to figure out, like, on the red velvet one, it looks like there's cake, but is it not going to, are the chips not going to melt? It's very confusing.

Speaker AThat'll be the least of your concerns, believe it.

AlexYes, that is the Alexa in a... This looks...

MerlinAre you okay, Tiff? What happened?

MaxLooking vile. No, I'm not okay. Alexa, make my mug treat. I told you not to use a mug that you like. Do you know how to do it?

AlexI have genuinely no idea.

Speaker BI want to point out specifically that the mug treats box says, do not eat raw brownie batter, just as a heads up.

AlexI don't know what's going to happen. Oh, no, he has the pancake batter. He'll be fine. This looks like an 80s villain's brain.

Speaker BIt's just terrible. The real bummer with the mug treats is there's, you know, on the package they show this beautiful swirly line of frosting. There's no way to put on the frosting that makes it look good. It's not possible. I'd be surprised if anything could make this look good. That's a fair point.

Speaker AThe mug treat doesn't make it up to the top of the mug unless you have a very, very shallow mug. So it's kind of like sad at the bottom of your mug.

MerlinBut they insist on a big mug. John, they did see you coming with that one, and the package does say,

Speaker BDidn't fill your mug? Don't worry. Our mug treats rise to the perfect height for each flavor. Oh, gosh. Shut up, Jeff.

Speaker AThey're hanging a lantern on it, which is basically saying, does our product suck? Yes, it does suck. That's exactly what they're saying.

AlexNot only can we not get Alexa to work on the microwave, it doesn't... Alexa, wire rack treat for one. All right, for anyone who needs to know, wireless headphones don't work next to microwaves. Oh, right. substitute three tablespoons of water with three tablespoons of tea i i could not make alexa

Maxrespond to my voice command it won't obey me alex and i had to push the buttons like a neanderthal yeah i think that what happened was you turned the alexa on and i wasn't here and it imprinted on you and it's only loyal to you it thinks it thinks you're its mother now i know and the Microwave isn't loyal to me.

MerlinIt's like Conrad Lorenz. Yeah.

AlexOh, no, my baby microwave.

MerlinDid it really only cost $60?

AlexYeah.

Speaker BThat's a ripoff. Yeah, I think that was a third-party Amazon seller who price gouged you. There's no way this should cost that much money.

Merlin$60 for the microwave.

AlexNo, no, no, for the microwave. It was $60.

Speaker BI take it all back. That sounds... That's for an Alexa-enabled microwave? You may have also been price-couched in the microwave.

AlexBut I have to say, I've never purchased a – well, now I've purchased two microwaves. But $60 seems like something – no, that's like a toaster price. This is advanced electronics.

Speaker BYou have purchased a lot of toasters.

AlexI have purchased a lot of toasters.

Speaker BDid any of them cost $60?

Speaker AThat seems low to me.

AlexYeah, yeah. Well, it's less expensive than most good Qi chargers. It's very unnerving. And it's sitting on a wooden chair in the studio. Oh, holy fuck. Wait.

MaxI fucking made fire. I have a mug muffin.

Speaker BWhat is happening? See, normally if I would microwave a powder and a liquid together and this consistency would result, I would think I did something seriously wrong.

AlexOh, number two is done.

Merlinif you ever um if you ever left a coffee with half and half on your desk over a weekend

Maxthat's pretty much pancakes oh merlin do you ever have the coffee with half and half on your desk over the weekend and then you come in one day and you make a new coffee and you put it down but it's in slightly the wrong place and you're using the computer and you go to reach to get the coffee in your normal place but that's the old one you get it to your lips and you're like something's a little

Merlinoff but it's too late to stop it takes a second he's already in the mouth yeah the tribe has spoken

MaxI think my mug is too big. Oh, no. Oh, no, no, no.

MerlinOh, no, no, no.

MaxCable, are any of these? Let me ask you. I have not waited the full two minutes for mine to cool.

Speaker AYeah, you've got to wait two minutes.

MaxBut let me ask you this. Your funeral, man. Cable, are these good? Are any of them good?

MerlinI don't think so. My daughter has. I saved the triple chocolate cake for my daughter tonight. And she said it's not bad for cake that's not that good. Yep.

Speaker BThey're all just extremely average at best. Which you would say when you're 11. The pancake one does smell very strongly of artificial maple syrup. No, that's because I put the eggnog in it.

AlexI put the eggnog in it.

Speaker ANo, I'm kidding. Marco is right. That's the thing about the pancake one. The pancake one includes maple syrup flavor in the pancake batter, which is a terrible mistake.

MerlinIt smells like a bus station made of maple syrup.

AlexThis apple smells horrible. I've never smelt an apple like this before. Yeah, there's nothing natural in any of these things.

Speaker AHere's the thing about cake batter. You would never make a cake in the microwave. Like, there's a reason you bake cakes. Wait, you're using my Tesla mug for this?

AlexSorry. Oh, no, my Tesla mug. This company's going down, and it's taking the mug up.

MerlinHey, Marco, that'll be $5,000.

AlexYeah, right.

MaxWait, Marco, you drive a Tesla car. You let that car drive you on the highway at 100 miles an hour using a computer, but you don't trust their mug to make a cupcake?

Speaker Bcake it's not the mug i don't trust in the situation it's the ingredients he doesn't trust

Maxthe ingredients with his mug yeah like i kind of like the mug it you know it it eats i think it

Merlineats a little dry mine eats a little like us it's like it's like if somebody made like savory country mashed potatoes out of out of pus and grandma it's like muppet felt if you took a

Speaker AMuppet and put them through a blender?

MaxIt's dry box potato. Mine eats a little sandy. Is that something Tom would say?

AlexMine eats a little snotty.

MerlinThe thing that was most alarming to me was that as you're stirring it goes from nothing but powder with a smidgen of water mixed in to suddenly it's a batter. It's instant. It is the most weird thing.

AlexWell, that is how batter works, Casey. Yeah, that is called instant batter. As you stir in liquid, it becomes better.

MerlinNo, but there was no, like, progression from one state of matter to the other. Cable, do you know what I'm talking about here?

Speaker BYeah, it blew my mind, actually.

MerlinSo I'm with you on that one. Exactly.

AlexNo, I'm out.

MerlinI've still got, I've still got, I also got some Betty Crocker's Merc Treats. I got some hot, hot fudge. Do you have any crackers? God, what have I got?

AlexNo, not available in the Chicago land area. There's no crackers? It would have taken $88.73 to get that.

MerlinI went to Amazon. I got a giant, I got like a 10-pack from Amazon. I got Betty Crocker's mug treats, hot fudge brownie mix with fudge topping. That's the one that I just tried. How was it?

Speaker BIt's so dry.

MaxI don't think I can finish it.

Speaker BI really want you to see how you apply the frosting. I feel like it's a critical part of the equation. So if you feel like making it, give it a whirl.

AlexHold up. I don't have frosting. I feel like.

MaxNo, this brand doesn't. That's what Cable's saying is this brain doesn't have the frosting.

AlexI can't eat my red velvet cake without frosting.

MaxIt's tasting better now. Do you just sort of spray the frosting all over there?

MerlinKind of breakfast bukkake?

AlexNo one asked for that.

MerlinNo, in a wholesome way. In a wholesome way.

Speaker BOh, man. Yeah. There's no way, Max. All you can do is just sort of cut the package open and hope for the best, and it's going to be disgusting no matter how you do it.

Maxso oh do you like cut a corner yeah yeah it's volatile you're gonna you gotta you gotta have

Alexyou got a little chopped nut of frosting oh oh a real-time follow-up this is so fucked up the i just got an email saying welcome to your amazon basics microwave no they're welcoming you they know they know they're watching you but all i did was hold i guess because i bought it through my

MerlinAlexa account? It seems like you're enjoying mug treats.

Speaker BYou think they're reporting back how bad your taste is?

MerlinPeople who bought mug treats also bought mug treats.

Speaker BPerfect size for one. Are they going to start emailing you passively aggressively like, are you sure you want to be eating that?

MaxIf you enjoyed a mug treat for one, you may also enjoy this noose.

Speaker BI feel like it's only appropriate to start with the breakfast ones To start with the pancakes, right? That's almost a part meal of the day

AlexOh, cool Oh, God

MerlinIs that the sake one?

AlexNo, that's the burnt mouth That's it, now I can't taste anything You got mouth meat? Mouth meat?

Speaker BThe pancake one is still incredibly hot But honestly, it's not as bad as I expected Me neither. Me neither. It's not good, but it's not as bad as I expected.

MaxWell, I did make that with sake. Is anyone having the blueberry muffin? No, I think only you have that. It feels like someone... It sounds like someone described a blueberry over the phone to a scientist, and they sort of took pretty good notes. Okay. Some kind of a blue fruit inside the hot confection.

MerlinYes, yes.

MaxI'm not unimpressed with how close to a blueberry they got for having never tasted one.

MerlinNow question, is it alright if I use various powders for that? Pass you the pancake. Alright, yes, the sweetness is a desirable quality of that. Okay, alright.

Speaker BI think my favorite thing about the Mrs. Barber with breakfast for one is the chef's quick tips on the package, one of which is simply, try it on a plate.

MaxOkay. If you spread it out into a disc shape, does it make one pancake? The contempt for their audience is just so palpable. It's just like, it's like, hey, you fucking animals, try eating this on a plate. Do you ever think of that? Try putting it in your mouth. Consider buying a shirt you can tuck in. Fucking dogs. What are you eating this from? A bowl on the floor like a common dog?

Speaker BTry sitting on a chair.

MerlinMerlin, have you seen the Duncan Hines website for these perfect size for one things? Because they have your bell in the auto playing introductory video at the top of the page. Let me find the, what's the. I will put a link in the robot for you. All right. But, yeah, so they say that it is ready in a hot minute, which you know is something that was brought up by committee. And they have a red-colored bell for you. Actually, it's almost like a red velvet cake-colored bell. Ooh. Oh, this is on brand for the show.

Look at this.

MaxHey, there's Chef Joe. Hi, Chef Joe. There's a prominent QR code on the powder pouch, and I scanned it, and it took me to the Duncan Hines website. and it says I can join a large community of bakers

Alexbakers it promised me delicious

Maxthat sounds like swinging don't do it yeah it does want me to put my keys in this bowl that's weird it's like calling yourself a fisherman if you go to the store and buy fish

Merlinhi I'm Johnny Hollywood

MaxHello?

Speaker AHello? Who's that? Who's that? Greetings from the North Pole. Oh, my God. Santa?

MerlinIt's Santa. Is that Santa? It's a holiday miracle.

Speaker ASanta? Have you all been good boys and girls? Yes, Santa. Hi, Santa. Yes, we have. Oh, bullshit. Bullshit. You and you nice. The rest are mostly naughty. Hey, Psychic Santa knows. I know when you're sleeping. I know when you're awake. So don't bullshit Santa Claus for Christ's sake. I'm so upset. What is happening? Max, listen, I'm afraid Santa has some bad news. Uh-oh.

AlexMax is dead.

Speaker AWe're not going to be bringing the boys and girls that crappy Cards Against Humanity game this year. First of all, a lot of the elves don't think it's very funny. But it's really the reindeer. The game is just too goddamn heavy, and the reindeer got together, and they put their hooves down. Last year Blitzen blew out his ACL and filed for workers' comp. So fact is, they finally unionized and Santa don't need the teamsters up his ass.

It's either you or the Instapots and Mrs. Claus got a little something going on on the side with them.

MaxSanta, did I hear yourself describe... This is so candid. Did I hear you describe yourself as a psychic Santa?

Speaker APsychic Santa, yes. As a matter of fact, I'm right now finishing up before my holiday delivery schedule. I'm at the Candy Cotton Lounge at the Circus Circus Hotel in Reno, Nevada. And you can come see me there.

MaxSanta, that's a pretty big claim, claiming to be psychic.

Speaker AOh, I am. I am. Absolutely. Listen, is Merlin there?

MerlinYeah.

Speaker AI knew you were there, Merlin. I'm psychic.

MerlinI know. You could tell. How's it going, Santa?

Speaker AWhat's up? I'm okay, Merlin. Do you still believe in Santa?

MerlinYeah. You know I do. You know I do. You're fucking psychic.

Speaker AYou hear the bell, right? Okay. Merlin, would you play a little game with Santa? Yes. It's called Naughty or Nice. Will you play along? Sure. Yes. Okay. For the purpose of this game, you get to choose whether to be naughty or nice, Merlin. and Santa will show you how he knows which. Just remember, in this game, being naughty means you always lie, and being on the nice list means you always tell the truth.

MerlinCan I ask one question?

Speaker AYou already did. Okay. Naughty, you lie. Nice, you tell the truth. Okay. Okay, Merlin, pick up a coin or something that will fit in your hand and close it up in your fist.

MerlinAll right.

Speaker AYou got something? Yeah. What do you got? What's in there?

MerlinIt's an American quarter. It's a quarter.

Speaker AYeah. And only you know what hand it's in?

MerlinI hope so. Just do it. Just do it. Just do it, Santa. Just do it.

Speaker AAll right. Pick in your own mind which role you want to play for this game. You want to be Naughty Merlin and Lie or Nice Merlin and Tell the Truth. Don't tell me now, but just commit to it right this second. And now answer me in the character that you have selected, Naughty liar, truth teller. Is that quarter in your right hand?

MerlinAm I supposed to be naughty or nice? Would I pick? You get to pick what you want to be. Okay, I'm going to be nice and say it's in my left hand.

Speaker ANow don't tell Santa what you're going to be.

MerlinI'm going to do whatever you tell me to do and just hope I get back to my family. I'm scared, Santa. I'm real scared.

Speaker ANaughty or nice, you pick don't tell me. Okay. lie or don't lie is the quarter in your right hand. Pick in the character you want to be, liar or truth teller, tell me yes or no is the quarter in your right hand.

Yes. Merlin, so nobody can see. Change hands, don't change hands. Put it behind your back. All right. And when you're ready, tell me that you're ready. Oh, shit.

MerlinOkay, Santa, I'm ready. I'm ready.

Speaker AI'm going to ask you another question. One last question. I think I've got you figured out. Let's see how this works now. Santa wants to know, did you just change hands?

MerlinAm I naughty or nice?

Speaker AYou're going to stick with the same character you answered in before. Nice Merlin or naughty Merlin? Lying Merlin or truth-telling? No. Did you switch hands? No. No. Okay, so from this, Santa already knows you're a crappy liar. It's why you tell the truth most all the time. The quarter is in your right hand right now.

MerlinFuck you. Fuck you, Santa. I know Max puts you up to this. All due respect. All due respect, I have a family.

Speaker BI have a family, Santa. Well, Merlin, you were such a good liar. It was magic that he figured it out. I know.

Speaker AGuess what? Santa does great on 50-50 stuff. How many more times should we do this to make sure that Santa really is?

MerlinJust until I can leave.

Speaker AThree, four more times. No, no, no.

MaxI'm so tired.

Speaker AIt's really a great sport. Thank you, Santa. I really appreciate it. Thanks for making it short.

MaxDo we have time for one more trick, Santa?

Speaker AWell, we could try something different. First of all, I want to make sure that nobody can accuse anybody of helping me with texts or secret messages because Santa don't roll that way. everybody uh whoever you are there alex are you there there's i i feel like there's a clicking

Alexnoise happening and i can't tell if max is oh okay i'm spinning a quarter and i'm clicking the packaging for the blueberry muffins okay i didn't know if there was some like santa echolocation going on but other than that i think yeah no communication happening okay so make make

Speaker Asure that everybody's phone is not within their reach no text messages can go to santa answering these questions max's hands are in the air put his put his ipad down on the floor and put his laptop someplace else and everybody else we're going to make this as clean as we can okay am i like to play hold down you can continue that's fine um here's what i want to know how many of you in there have uh read a book in the last month i read lots of books alex has i read in

MaxIn my free time, I would rather read than watch TV. Max is naughty.

Speaker AI figured somebody that was able to read. Are there any books around there, wherever you are, in that studio or the office or whatever you got?

MaxWe have probably some in the library. Oh, no. Oh, no. Why is there?

Speaker AOh, no. Please don't. Alex doesn't sound happy about this. Alex, we're going to leave this to you to pick. No.

AlexNo.

MerlinOh, God. Alex, don't. Could you pull a book, please?

AlexYeah, hold on.

MerlinWhere are their books?

AlexDo you want me... Are you going to... Santa, are you going to guess what book I have picked up? No, that would be too easy. Okay, you're right. Do you want to know?

Speaker ANo. How about we keep it a secret? Does it have more than 100 pages?

AlexOh, God, I don't... I mean, I think so, yes. Yes, it does.

MaxThat information is usually printed in the book, Alex.

Alexthere's no way of knowing

Speaker Ahow many people are are are there with you uh right now alex that you can see honestly i don't

Alexknow anymore uh there's there's one there's max temkin and there's our engineer that would be two

Speaker Ayeah that's not one that would be two i'd like each of you let's start let's start with max max Can you come up with a single digit number between one and nine, one and ten? A single digit.

MaxYes, Santa.

Speaker APlease do. Say it out loud. Four. Four. Can somebody write that down?

AlexNot it. I only have digital things around me. I'm writing it. Four. Very good.

Speaker ASomebody's writing four. I have a lot of pens. Mr. Engineer, what number would you like to pick?

Speaker B17.

Speaker AA different number than four. 17. Single digit. Let's make it a single digit. Five. Oh, Santa, really? Psychic Santa's really working for his money tonight.

AlexAlex. Yes.

Speaker ANow you get to pick a single digit that's different than those two. It was at five. I missed it. I'm writing stuff down.

AlexAll right. Would you like to know the single digit?

Speaker AYes, please. We need to make a three-digit number, so you will make the final digit there.

AlexThree.

Speaker ASo the number is four, five, three?

AlexYes.

Speaker Aall right that is totally random there's no way santa could have known that number in advance there's no way i could have put it in your head maybe i could have put it in your head

Alexbut as far as you're concerned there's only 10 numbers

Speaker Aon your own time we're gonna learn about the modulus operator the book opens left to right

AlexOkay, yes. No, oh my God. So, like in theory, yes, there are 400. Okay, so yes, there's 453 pages, but there's 454 sides.

MerlinAlex, keep them on the line. We almost have the tap. Keep them cool.

Speaker AAlex, I'm going to make this easier on you.

AlexYou're going to have to check all the books now.

Speaker ACan you reverse the number for me? I think this will make life easier. Still a random number that you guys picked.

AlexOkay. That would be 354.

Speaker A354 can you please turn to that page and i want you to scan the page very quickly i need you to find the largest word you can find on there a really big three dollar word not a little teeny

Alextiny i this is this is like a very stressful poll uh okay oh my god i think we might be the

Speaker Bworst audience that magic santa has ever had no psychic santa psychic santa did a show the other

Speaker Aday worse than this. Alex, for trademark reasons, he's not magic.

AlexAlex is touching the word.

Speaker AOkay.

AlexCan you memorize the word, Alex? I sure hope so. Do you need me to write it down?

Speaker AWrite it down if it helps. Yes, please. But don't let anybody else see it.

AlexOkay, okay.

Speaker AWe're almost done, Alex. All right, all right. Merlin, my best to your family. I know.

Speaker BThank you. I'm watching them right now.

MerlinIt's tragic because it's true.

Speaker AAlex. Yes. Alex. Can you please clear your mind for me?

AlexYes.

Speaker AWill you close your eyes? I think you picked the worst person in the podcast. Yes.

AlexYes. My eyes are closed.

Speaker AIt's Psychic Santa's superpower. Oh, God. picking the worst person. Alex, please imagine that you are standing facing a huge blank white wall.

AlexOh, that's upsetting. Okay.

Speaker AAnd in your hand is a can of spray paint.

AlexYeah, yep. Am I spray painting my word on the wall? Slowly. Just the first letter. God damn it. San serif.

Speaker BTreats.

Alexam i saying it out loud or just doing it no no no no no no santa santa is psychic santa is going to try and get into your mind okay what you're seeing on that wall i'm slowly slowly painting it yep hope i'm spelling it right all right all right it is a big word it is a very big word I see

Speaker AI don't see the first letter but I see some bees in there are there any bees in that word big bouncy bees yes

AlexSanta bee hornet wasp

Speaker Aoh no I hate this first letter Alex that you wrote on that wall straight line up and down

Alexgod damn it okay yeah

Speaker AWell, she did leak it. Two. Two lines. One on top. Is the first letter F? No. As in Frank? No. I'm seeing E. It's not an F, then. It looks like maybe it's an E. I don't know. But it's the Bs. This is a big word. This is a long word.

AlexI mean, I hope. Yeah. All right.

Speaker AOh, God. All right. What is that first letter, Alex? Help me out so we can let Merlin see his family.

AlexIt is a K.

Speaker Athere is no such thing as a K.

MerlinOh, God, don't anger Santa.

Speaker AOh, wait a minute. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Alex, read the word in your head out loud to yourself, quietly, louder and louder and louder, as if you're screaming it mentally.

AlexYep.

Speaker AOver and over and over again. Yeah.

AlexI'm screaming.

Speaker AOne, two, three. One, two, three. One, two, three. That's three syllables. Four syllables.

AlexYeah.

Speaker ADa, da, da, da. You said it started with a K. Yes. Well, Santa doesn't understand silent Ks.

AlexGod damn it.

Speaker AOh, my God. The word is not knitting. It's not. Where's the B you told me was in there? There are no Bs. The word is knowledge. The word is knowing. The word is knowledgeable.

AlexYeah. Let me see that. Am I right?

MaxLet me see this. Yes. What book is this?

AlexWell, this is the bestseller and the not award-winning movie, The Da Vinci Code. Well, I memorized that whole book.

MaxSanta, how did you do that? I spell knowledge of it. Oh, my God. All right. Thank you, Santa. Santa, I heard that Mrs. Claus might want to DSLR this year for Christmas.

Speaker AYes, absolutely. she would love that, of course.

MaxAll right, I have a series of questions and preferences that I need to gauge before I'm able to assist Mrs. Claus. So we'll discuss that.

Speaker AOkay, well, remember, Mrs. Claus is hoping to get her husband an Apple Watch. So maybe you can help with that.

MaxWe'll see.

AlexSanta sounded real Jewish. I don't know what that was about.

MaxWell, just like Jesus. I genuinely have no idea how Santa found the word that Alex wanted. Magic is a form of assault, and it needs to stop.

MerlinAnd magic needs to stop. Magic should be a chargeable offense. And he should go to jail for his crimes. Anyone who helped him with his crimes should go to jail with psychic Santa. Because it's fucked up, and it's a form of assault.

AlexMy God, I'm so mad. It's triggering.

MerlinIt's wrong.

AlexI'm so mad. I'm so mad. And it is not woke.

MerlinMagic is not woke. Stop the magic, Max.

Speaker BSo, Merlin, what made you feel worse, that or this pancake mug thing? Oh, no. At this point, kind of seems like an old friend.

Speaker ADid anybody finish the contents of a single mug?

MerlinI'll never finish again.

AlexThere's no.

MaxI had about three spoonfuls, and I don't think there's any, a drop of moisture left in my body. I think it wicked every drop of moisture from my body.

Speaker ADid you put teaspoons in instead of tablespoons?

MaxWell, we didn't have TSPs or TBSPs. Alex got plastic spoons, and she was just like...

Speaker AThat's not how big. Do you know how big a tablespoon is?

MaxI know. No, I did a lot of TBSPs. Is it as big as this table? God damn it.

Speaker AI think you might not have put enough liquid in it. You're just eating dry batter.

AlexOh, no. I'm eating what looks like red diarrhea. Like skull? Yeah. Oh, well, I got a bunch of other trees. Hold on.

Speaker BAll right. Oh, good. There's more.

Speaker ADid anybody use water versus milk? I used water.

Speaker BAll I had was water. Only used water.

MaxAnd almond milk. Was the eggnog one good? Did it somehow imbue any more moisture into the tree? No. No, it was pretty good. I also used almond milk in one of them. Why do the Armands have so many non-dairy products in their house? What now? I don't know.

AlexThey have every kind of milk. You don't need to know. They use all parts of the milk. I don't need to explain my art to you.

MaxSo I think I'm going to do, I really want to do this for the new season of Survivor. So the idea is that I'm going to start a Survivor fan cast, and it's going to be concurrent with the next season of Survivor. And on the first episode of the next season of Survivor, we'll do our recap episode, and there will be 20 people co-hosting the episode.

MerlinCelebrity fun, people you know, podcasters.

MaxAnd every week, one person will be voted off of the podcast. Yes! And the way it'll work is... Voted off by whom? By the other hosts, by the council.

MerlinYou've seen Survivor. And the producers, and the producers. The producers get a separate show to talk about why they made the show that way that week.

MaxExactly. And my thing is there's going to be backstabbing and scheming, and everyone will just have those side calls to scheme and form alliances, and they'll just record those, and they'll get edited into the show so the listeners get to hear the whole drama.

Speaker AYou're going to record all the side calls, too?

AlexOh, can I make an audition video? Please let me make an audition video. Oh, my God. That's such a good tip. Oh, that's so good.

Speaker BOh, believe me. We're doing audition videos. It's going to be great. Hey, guys. Who's doing this massive amount of guest coordination and editing every week?

MaxOh, who could say?

MerlinBut probably Alex. You know, Marco, I did make a note. I did make a note. That's what most of Max's fugue states. I said, huh, that sounds like a lot of work. Go back in the text and find it.

Speaker AHe's mad with power after the waspy hornet thing.

MaxThere's no way to know who's going to be doing this work. But if I had to guess, I would say Alex.

Speaker BThere's one way to know for sure. It's not going to be you.

MerlinHe's got a McDonald's museum to go to.

AlexI'm already scripting my audition video. I'm ready for this.

MerlinI demand to be removed the first week.

AlexNext time it snows, get in the bikini. Hi, I'm Tiff.

MerlinI want to be the ding-a-ling who goes out in the first episode. So I could say I was on the show, but I had no work to do. I'm probably already revealing. Hey, guys. I'm Merlin.

AlexHold on. Dig, Doug. Dig, Doug. Veronica, can I offer you a beverage of some sort? No, absolutely not. Don't accept anything that you see in a mug. Okay. Yeah. Please, please. Take whatever you'd like.

MerlinCan I ask you a question? You ever want to have a nighttime beverage and a morning pancake? Hi. Ask no questions and drink this. Or eat it.

AlexHi. Casey, Casey. Do you still have your mug?

MerlinYeah, I have all three mugs.

AlexYou're talking about food mug or liquid mug? Have you, have you, which flavor do you have?

MerlinI have the pancake, the apple, and the red velvet.

AlexOkay, put the Tito's in the red velvet. I'm out of Tito's. Oh, no. Seriously?

MerlinWhat? I'm not an amateur. I mean, I have more downstairs, but I would have to go all the way downstairs to retrieve it.

AlexI wanted to have a special moment with you, but okay.

MaxAre you stirring the Tito's into your mug treat?

AlexYes, I'm stirring my Tito's into the-

MaxYou're like sopping up the last of the treat with the Tito's, like a biscuit and gravy?

AlexIt's too liquidy, so I think I'm just going to put another packet in and see what happens. This is not a good decision, Alex. Marco, you like that pancake because of the eggnog.

Speaker BI got to say, the pancake one was the least terrible one of the three. I agree. You're welcome. Yep, I agree. I disagree. I think it was the worst.

Speaker AWell, I'm making one. Can I have a cup?

MerlinBecause you didn't add eggnog, John.

Speaker AThat may be true. That's probably true. I'm with you, John.

MerlinHas anybody tried the powder by itself?

Speaker AOh, yeah. It's good. It's really good. You're not supposed to. We talked about it. Dr. Don said, like, the flour can have the bacteria in it. don't eat the raw flour.

MerlinThat's right. You gotta let it season. You gotta let it age like a rib roast.

AlexWell, apparently we're eating fecal matter all the time anyway. So a minute and 10 seconds in the microwave is gonna kill all that? Good job, microwave. So I just walked into the studio. Yes. By the way, Max said, hey, you should come on the show and come in and it'll be like 11 o'clock. Just come by. And he didn't tell me when he was leaving.

So So that's why I'm late. But then I walked into the studio and I had this wonderful moment of looking around and trying to figure out what really was happening.

MerlinCSI. Bung, bung.

MaxCome on. Opsack. Opsack.

MerlinWhat do we got here? What am I looking at? What am I looking at? I got an Alexa microwave. I got a bunch of bullshit and cum in cups. And I got two dingolings talking to a Santa on a psychic phone.

Alexthere's peppermint bark rum and also something called snowball it's a crime scene oh the snowballs we didn't even get to the snowball and then some kind of like candy rudolph alex knows how to party candy canes oh yeah big holiday party hot cocoa m&ms hot cocoa look at how seductive that green m&m is she's very sexy that's her trait did you notice that her eyebrows are on her winter hat So do you think the hat is part of her? Well, green is the color of horny.

That's what everyone says when you wear green.

Speaker ADo green M&Ms make you horny? Is that just a Long Island thing?

AlexYeah, it is a Long Island thing. High five, John. Strong Island.

MerlinIt's not just a Long Island thing. That even made it to Ohio.

MaxJohn, did you have a lot of green M&Ms when you were growing up? Just the normal amount.

AlexThe standard dosage. Yeah, I've heard some things about you, John. What's going on there?

MerlinHe's a horndog. It's all because of those green M&Ms.

AlexYeah. And Long Island. the M&M's I'm reading the ingredient list they were partially produced with genetic engineers fancy tasty

Merlincan I just say one thing I'm sorry just real upsetting thing it looks like Santa might still be on the call

Speaker BSanta's always on the call Marlon

MerlinSanta's icon is still there it's coming from inside the house it's still here fuck me gently You psychic old man, why are you still here? For holiday cheer, Merlin.

Speaker ACleaning up a lot of reindeer crap, that's all.

AlexI hate Reno. Oh my god. Santa sounds familiar. Just so just.

MerlinSanta on the roof.

MaxI think Santa butt dials me sometimes.

AlexSanta has that stabby music. His bell sounds stabby. Oh my god. Oh, my God. Veronica, now you're an expert baker. Can you please give me your opinion on these? You really got to try them. They're a lovely treat.

Speaker BHow much do you value your palate?

MerlinThere's one person I don't trust saying, put this in your mouth. It's Alex.

Speaker BThere's a bit of a risk.

AlexShe's not handing me an atrocity in a mug. She's handing me a Cracker Jack. Yeah. There's a treat in the treat, too. It's probably a card inside. Holiday sugar cookie popcorn. Yeah. You're welcome. Okay, so I really love popcorn. I know. Except I hate sweet popcorn. It's the worst. No Chicago mix? No, Chicago mix is stupid.

MerlinWhat? Oh, no.

AlexWhy would you ruin perfectly good cheese popcorn? Oh, my God.

MaxOh, my God. No, you didn't. Oh, my God. Alex has really opened up an old wound here. Oh, my God. Put her handles up.

AlexOh, okay. Everything's fine. I'm so upset.

MerlinAlex, you can find comfort in the mugs. Popcorn is lost on me. Just go tearing through those mugs. You'll find comfort there.

AlexOh, so I did. Now I have two packets of the red velvet cake and, I don't know, a table spubble of whatever.

MerlinIt's great when I try to make jokes. I think you forgot to control something out.

AlexYou forgot to escape Alex. Oh, God. You have to turn the volume button up, then down, and then hold the side button for five seconds.

MerlinInstructions are confusing. Words can mean a variety of things.

AlexA tablespoon of vodka, a tablespoon of water. oh god no are you making instant mouth

Merlinare you making instant mouth cocktails what are you doing

Alexoh my god what's happening no I just had the vodka red velvet cake and that's the oh my god how did it make a chocolate

Speaker Byou're a super taster why did you do that which one do you put in my tesla mug what's the middle one like the oatmeal or something

Alexthe tesla mug if it doesn't taste like pancakes and it's not red it's the

Speaker Bapple cinnamon one. That I think was the worst one by far. I made that with almond milk. That was really rough.

MerlinI don't know. I torn. The red velvet and the apple were both real bad. Because the apple

Speaker Bhad both a bad taste and also a really off-putting texture. The other ones I feel like the texture wasn't as bad. To be fair, almond milk makes everything worse. There's nothing I've found that almond milk makes better.

AlexI like almond milk. It makes my stomach better, okay? God. Could you guys do a

MerlinTop four at this point. Have you had enough?

AlexTop four milks? That's a good one. Putting it on the list. Going on the list.

MaxI like a little black coffee with almond milk. That's actually one of my favorite coffee drinks. No, just black coffee. You just need the black coffee. That is a coffee drink by itself. Top four milks. That's a good drink, but try it with some almond milk. It opens up a whole new world of coffee flavors. I've tried it with almond milk.

Speaker BIt covers up coffee flavors with shitty flavors.

AlexOh, it's going on the list. Top four milks.

Speaker AOh my goodness gracious. Top four milks?

AlexYeah.

MerlinWe did woodland creatures.

Speaker ASo you're going to do actual milks or not?

MerlinThere's got to be quotes. There's air quotes around there.

Speaker AYou could have goat milk, cow milk, human milk. But once you say almond milk, that's not milk.

MerlinAlmond milk.

Speaker BYeah, cashew milk.

AlexOh, milks and quotes. It's the milk of the oats. It's a milk and quote. You can have top four milk-like things.

Speaker ATop four milk substitutes.

AlexNo, John, it's not your show. Oh.

MaxIn Illinois, there's a Republican milk magnate named, I think his name is Jim Oberweiss. And he's of the... Oberweiss?

MerlinThat's the Nazi-est name I've ever heard.

MaxHis name is Oberweiss? Yeah. Oberweiss! And he's a Republican and he makes... But his milk is delicious. Alex, you've had the Oberweiss milk. It's delicious milk. It's very good.

AlexMy favorite ice cream of all time is the chocolate peanut butter Oberweiss. Oberweiss! It's so good. Oberweiss!

MaxThat's so good. Max Schnell. He ran against, in the year that Barack Obama ran for Senate, the Oberweiss milk baron was the favorite, the wealthy Republican who almost bought the race. Imagine if he lived in a state where someone who was rich could just buy the governor's seat. It would be a crazy dystopian fantasy man. Governor Unterschranz.

Conceive of. And this milk baron almost bought the race, but then he got beaten by Seven of Nine's husband.

Merlinoh right isn't he the sex guy is he isn't he a sex guy he did some sex he did some sex things

Maxwith seven of nine and it came out in the press and then he had to resign and then there was the crazy guy uh who ran against obama and obama ran away with the election and then if you recall he

Alexwas president for eight years yeah he's still president in our house our kid doesn't know I don't have the art to tell it wait really yeah we say President Barack Obama

Speaker Ait's like the Star Wars prequels in my house

Merlinyeah right every night we just say it didn't always used to be this way and it probably won't always be this way I hope

Maxyou know before it gets too late because I don't know that we actually discussed any sort of end time or parameters on this show with Cable hey Cable I'm so sorry I apologize for everything that's happening Cable, as our very special honored guest, do you have anything that you want to plug on the podcast? Maybe such as a game about a goose?

Speaker BOh, sure. We got a goose game coming out. Untitled Goose Game.

MaxA big goose game.

Speaker BWhat happened today? Oh, and Firewatch for the Nintendo Switch came out today.

AlexYeah, it did!

Speaker BAnd play both of those video games. Untitled Goose Game will be coming out next year. And Firewatch for Switch is out right now. So, thank you.

MerlinI also want to say, Cable, I think of you every time I'm walking down the street. And I see a sewer lid that's been dropped in a way where the stripe doesn't match up. At the wrong angle? Yes. I still think of you every time I pass that. My daughter does not even know. She does not even know who you are. But she goes, that guy would hate that.

Not wrong.

MaxIsn't there that story of the guy who told John Roderick, think of me every time you use a drinking fountain?

MerlinOh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

Speaker AAnd none of us remember who that guy was, but remember the story.

MaxYeah. But what a cable, that should be your thing when you meet people, when you get introduced. You should be like, hi, I'm cable. And you look them right in the eye and you go, well, you see the manhole cover and it's not lined up. You think of me.

Speaker ACable's oversubscribed on things that remind people of him.

MaxYeah, that might be true.

Speaker AYou get the fireworks.

MerlinYou get the crappy snacks.

Speaker ANintendo merchandise from the 70s purchased from Japan.

Speaker BProtective plastic. Yep. Peeling.

Speaker ACompetitive peeling. Fireworks. Dueling fireworks. That's correct. People. Like, there's a lot.

Speaker BThere's a lot there. Lots to remember me by, I guess.

Merlinwhen you buy food at odd lots think of me oh my god it's like the grapes of wrath the grapes of every time someone sees one tile that's different from all the others

Speaker Bi really i really appreciate all of you trying these horrible mug treats too it's nice to know

Alexthat i don't do this by myself they're they're boy they're really bad i i so bad we've tried a

Maxlot of horrible things for a podcast though tiff is there have you made a a real mug treat uh you know uh not not one of these abominations but a treat in a mug no no i an artist anal mug no i

Alexgenerally have more friends that i can share my treats with so i don't make it like cake pans like a human you mean you don't get you don't get on a line with eight people and just share check your privilege check yeah i know i'm checking it hard and i'm telling you all about it

Maxbut isn't it part of isn't it part of being a professional instagram influencer that you have

Alexto make i don't you see that i'm an influencer now i'm influencing people to buy slippers you got the moccasins i've already been shamed too because you know uh uggs treat their animals bad so we're not allowed to buy them anymore i treat my cat poorly i don't cut stairs

Merlinthat's fine are you are you an influencer now tiff do people give you stuff for stuff

Alexno i don't even have the swipe up i don't have a swipe up i can't i can't influence without a swipe oh god i don't you want to swipe up oh i want to link to so many things and i just can't no i know get that affiliate link action you got to get it but can't you should you should get that british boy to do it i don't even have i don't even have a blue check mark it is you know how embarrassing that is running around with all these blue check marks all around you and you have

Merlinnothing you're just they have blue check marks on instagram i didn't know that either they do

Speaker Bactually but twitter you're talking about twitter but they also have them on instagram but only for

Merlinlike really big brands oh take mine please take it please please literally take mine please no i

Alexjust i feel like a fraud i have all these podcasts i'm gonna change my birthday i'm gonna change it all i don't want it i do not want it no tiff you and i are the only people on this show right now that don't have blue check marks that i think there's a pattern there it's because i wrote them a letter asking for a blue check mark making fun of them hi alex uh-huh oh wait this is even worse oh my god why is it only the women without blue check marks oh my god i don't know but i

Maxcould i could tell you the temperature of that office is a is a balmy 66 degrees fahrenheit

Merlinmax turn up the temperature control the women

Maxwe're punching it up to 70 i demand that you raise the temperature You fascist.

MerlinAlexa, set thermostat to 62 degrees.

MaxActually, it's a part of my meditation practice that I sit in extremely cold temperatures. And am I suffering? Yes. But I choose to just experience the suffering.

MerlinIt costs me $14,000 to be bitten by mosquitoes.

MaxOh, what headline did I see today that made me... Update. What was the headline that I saw? I think I can pull this up pretty quickly. But I saw a headline today and I was like, this headline makes me want to move to one of those remote islands in the Pacific where there's still a Japanese soldier who thinks that World War II is happening. And let's see if I can find it. It was the – okay, here we go. The headline was Jack Dorsey sends envelope of his beard hair to Azalea Banks so she could craft an amulet to protect Dorsey from ISIS.

AlexOkay.

MaxThat sounds about right.

AlexOkay.

MaxJack Dorsey Jack Dorsey Okay Yep Sends Envelope of his beard hair This is not real There's no way that's real

Speaker BIt can't be real

MaxEnvelope of his beard hair It's Jack Dorsey It can be real To Azalea Banks So she could craft an amulet To protect Dorsey from ISIS Plus I think it does Plus 20% to lightning damage Ivanka Trump's ex-boyfriend Bingo Goobelman is arrested alongside Maroon 5.

MerlinStop trying to make Bingo Goobelman happen. It's not going to happen.

Alexwait marco you have a tesla mug yeah they gave him a good story good story but really you paid eight thousand dollars for a tesla mug at this point hey no we also got an umbrella and a jacket

Speaker BYeah, those jackals didn't give me a second umbrella with the second one. What jackals?

MaxDig it, dig it, dig it. Follow-up, problematic follow-up based on the source from Fox News, but it's still a funny story. Electric scooters being dumped in California Lake as popularity explodes. Electric scooters may be billed as an easy and environmentally friendly way to get around, but as their popularity explodes, the cheap mode of transport has ironically wound up turning into another form of pollution. In October, cleanup crews at California's Lake Merritt in Oakland fished out 60 electric scooters. 60? Yeah, according to the executive director of the Lake Merritt Institute.

We've been having a fair amount of the e-scooters come into the lake or be thrown into the lake, rather. This can be very damaging to our marine environment because they're not natural things that go into the lake.

MerlinAstute. But there's also now a tertiary gig economy of going and fishing them out.

AlexOh, I would be so good at that.

Speaker Bmotion machine make money are you guys familiar with the replacement kits for the scooters where you can swap out the internals and then it becomes your scooter this is a real thing go on

Merlini think i have that on my plex

Speaker Bwow you can buy these magical kits from china and so forth and uh yeah you just you take one of the street scooters and you swap out a couple of parts and plug it in has a really sweet ios app that controls it and all this other stuff seems like a lot of scooters will be gone soon

Maxthat's some fucking 20 that's some like 2018 captain crunch shit what you can't have a nap

Merlinyou can't have an app for there's no app for easy news allowed but you're allowed to have an app for don't laugh cable that's not funny you don't know what that is no it's a laugh of pain

Speaker Ait's a laugh of pain it's a laugh of pain but yeah he doesn't know what it is he made unison

Merlinbut he made a whole unison app yeah i know anyways that's really weird it's really weird

Alexwait why it's that's amazing this is oh it's all fun and games until your scoot suit gets taken

Maxover used to love you but now i love someone else alex we should this is i mean i is this a challenge steal a scooter possess a scooter sounds like a challenge hijack a scooter repossess a free scooter

Alexyeah hack a scooter i'm currently looking up different laws that have like what is considered a felony and like what's grand larceny in like portland and san diego now wait a minute one of

Merlinus has gone to law school one of us has gone to law school in a strip mall and it's not you

Maxthat's true that's true very true i think that uh well i wonder what our official show lawyer matt would have to say about that matt uh write in and tell us if we're allowed to steal these

Merlinyou can always put them back isn't it eminent domain like if it's in your way isn't that

Speaker Atechnically eminent domain if you walk past a scooter every day for seven years it's your

Speaker Bcommon law possession right in georgia yeah i think it is you were threatened by the scooter

Merlinthat's right if you share an ant yeah yeah i think it's no i think you're redistributing

Alexthe scooters what you're doing yeah you're reducing the number of scooters by reusing and recycling tier one and tier two yeah it's good oh boy that was the most pathetic belt

Speaker AWait, wait, wait. If you fish one out of the lake, how about if you fish one out of a lake? Then you can repossess it.

Speaker BThat seems reasonable. That seemed like it was abandoned. Well, then you were just, you were fishing, and you caught something.

MerlinOh, under maritime salvage laws. Yes. Max, have you studied maritime salvage laws?

Speaker AI learned about that in Uncharted.

MaxYeah, I mean, that's international. Merlin, that's international waters. I actually happen to know that one. That's international waters.

MerlinSo once you get that scooter, you're allowed to gamble on it as well.

MaxOh, yeah.

MerlinThe showers are so small, though.

MaxIt's like the dark web of the oceans.

MerlinWhy are the showers so small? Hey, hey, where can we find whatever you're doing on the internet, you guys?

Speaker AWhat? You guys? Sorry.

MerlinSorry, team. Problematic. No, no, team with a Y. Team with a Y, where can we find out what you're doing? You're neck of the woods. I'm so tired. I got magic tonight I'm tired I got Dan in the morning Isn't it like 9.30 there? Yeah really I go to bed I go to bed like a person

Speaker ADid you have a nap today Merlin? That's maybe the problem

MerlinFull hour

Speaker ASometimes when Merlin doesn't have a nap He's crazy

MerlinI slept for 11 hours today

Speaker AWait a full hour?

MaxOh Wow Is it a full nap? I'm jealous I have a question I have a question Maybe we can wrap up with this So I got a lot of very nice feedback about our mystery challenge that I produced.

Speaker ASounds like a great question so far.

MaxThank you. It's really more of a comment than a question.

Speaker AMore of a comment about how great I am.

MaxThank you for recognizing that, John. I just want to say. And people said you should be nominated for podcast awards, and I don't think there are podcast awards, so I thought that we could start the podcast awards, and we should all give an episode of a podcast that we like this year that should win an award. What about the Upgradeys?

Speaker AI believe there already are podcast awards, and Roderick Online has already won one. They're called the phonies.

AlexMax, we've literally won a podcast award.

MerlinWe have? Yes. Haven't we all won upgradies? No, no, we haven't. No, but I like your conceit. Your conceit is, like, tell us something you love from a podcast. I didn't win an upgradie.

AlexYeah. True.

MerlinI love this. I love this challenge.

AlexIt's because of that blue check. God damn it. Okay. Wait, is that a thing that's going to happen now, or is that a challenge for future times?

MaxNo, I think we should all go around and say an episode of a podcast that we love. That we've heard recently that we love. And then we'll call it the Golden Friday.

AlexLet's not call it the Golden Friday. Oh, no.

MaxSo moist. He's so wet. I disagree. And we'll send an email and we'll be like, congratulations, you have been considered for Golden Friday. And for the low price of $900, you can request a trophy, an exclusive trophy, limited only to the number ordered.

MerlinMax, who's who among American podcasters? And you're going to be in the book. You're going to want to have a copy of this, a bound copy of this.

MaxCongratulations.

MerlinYou have been nominated for who's whom among American podcasters. In this Auguste tome, you will be featured.

MaxWow, Merlin, the stars are out tonight. Roman Mars is here.

Speaker BHi.

AlexGod damn it. God.

Speaker BThis is Roman Mars. You can't understand a word I'm saying. I use too much bass in my voice. I'm a gigantic voice liar. The microphone is in my mouth.

MerlinI'm told that this is another show that we do. Hi. No, he's really nice, but that's terrible.

AlexHe lies about his sexy voice. I think that's a problem.

MaxI think we might have a special guest appearance by Michael Barbaro. Hmm. Hmm. Barbar Barbaro. Oh. Hmm.

MerlinHa.

AlexWait, Max, are you doing a bit? Is there another person on the line?

MerlinNo, it's literally Michael Barbaro. His glasses have already gotten smaller since he started talking. Oh. I'm reading this.

MaxThe kit that... I'm trying to find out how to buy the thing that Cable just sent us that will convert the button screwdriver to my suit.

MerlinSo, mention... Does it have to be from the last certain amount of time? Or could it be from, like...

MaxYeah, I would say any episode where in the last couple weeks where someone did a bit that was like a lot of production went into it.

MerlinHow about this? How about give us an episode of a podcast that might get you hooked on a new great thing? There we go. Mine's going to get stolen. I know it.

Speaker BI'm going to say it won't be stolen by me because I'm going to make Merlin feel really awkward and nominated an episode of Roderick on the Line. That was very recent. It was The Slow Destruction of Bueno. was last week's episode of Roderick on the Line.

MerlinThat's so recent.

Speaker BI starred that in Overcast. It's taken me a long time to find. That is his own reward right there. I still have yet to build the feature that everybody wants, which is a list of your starred episodes.

MerlinI didn't want to ask. I didn't want to ask. I never wanted to ask.

MaxI was just about to ask, how do I find my stars?

MerlinI star all my own episodes. Is that fair? Oh, no, that's the one we had for sponsors. No, no, no, no, no. What do we talk about in that one? Oh, that's the one with John and the Whip.

Speaker BIt's the drug one.

MerlinWith the Whippets.

Speaker BYes. Yeah, it's about Whippets and LSD microdoses.

MerlinDid you know, Marco, did you know there's literally, literally no lethal dose of CBD oil? You could literally drink all the CBD oil that has ever existed and you'll still just be fine. It's literally impossible for you to feel anything. I give it to my whole family. Anyway, gosh. she's so hot

MaxI'm going to nominate an episode of my my favorite funny podcast the Mac or I brothers will be in Trolls 2. Yes! My gateway drug. Now, I actually think they're correct. There's so little of this podcast. There's only like 10 episodes. Over two years. So just go listen to the

whole fucking thing and the first episode will absolutely grab you. That's how you

Merlingot me hooked on those ding-a-ling boys was that one podcast. They had edibles, they had edibles, and after a show, they realized that they will be in Trolls 2.

MaxThe McElroy will be in Trolls 2. But the second to most recent episode as of the time of recording which is the one where they talk to the reporter i think that is you know people often say um oh the podcast was so funny i had to like pull my car over i was laughing or whatever that's like a thing people say to each other or whatever whenever anyone says that about anything that i'm involved in i always assume they're lying because that can't actually happen but that did happen to me while i was in los angeles i was driving on the highway up to

La Cañada Flintridge and I had to pull over into like the side lane. You told

Merlinyour Tesla to pull over. Yeah.

MaxI requested. Alexa pull over. I was laughing so hard when they were talking to that reporter.

Speaker BYou signal into the media and it'll figure it out.

MerlinI heard the one with the one I remember is the one with the writer from Trolls. Was there one more?

MaxNo, no, no, no, no, no. This is the reporter from Variety and they're talking about how they're going to cover the story. Oh my god.

Merlinso good that's the funniest don't be like syracusa keep at it with with these guys because i swear to god it is you don't know that i haven't kept at it you don't know my life i know you haven't i know you tried i gave you the one you weren't into it that's fine but i'm just saying too don't i know me you do that that's right good pick and that's saying the mccleroy brothers will be in trolls too and they got their site it's a mccleroy.family right yeah i hope people

Maxfind out about the McElroy brothers. I mean, they're doing great work, and it's a shame that they haven't broken

Alexthrough yet. I know, right? I really

Merlinpull for them. I really pull for those little guys.

Speaker BI'll give you a second one. Our friends Arik Devins and Alan Pike made a new podcast called Fun Fact, and it's pretty fun. It's pretty good. Fun Fact. Yeah, that's a good one.

AlexYeah, check it out. I can only think to nominate myself. Do it, do it. We had a really good episode of Make Do with my studio mate, and it was really emotional. People said they pulled their car over because they were crying. So, suck it. Wow. Oh, yes. Wow. Oh, no. I did. I cried on the bus. Oh, yeah. Yeah.

MaxWait, you were listening to a podcast while you were driving a bus?

AlexI said riding.

Speaker ALadies and gentlemen, we're going to have a slight derail from our arrival. I'm getting real into this little story.

AlexI don't know how words work. Oh, all right. Casey, how about you? Is Casey still here?

MerlinHi. How are you? Hi, Casey. Hi. So, you know, Merlin hasn't felt uncomfortable enough this episode. So my recommendation is Reconcilable Differences, Episode 93, 40 Gronks, which was in no small part about getting older. And even though I am a spring chicken compared to those old shits, I am feeling ever more like an old man. And listening to my favorite old men talk about being old men was delightful. And I was laughing my ass off as I was running errands listening to that.

So thank you, gentlemen, for doing that.

Speaker BYeah. I also starred that one because, like, for the same reason I think you, because Casey and I are about the same age. And so, like, I like listening to that show to kind of see, like, what's in my future that I can, like, prepare for or try to avoid.

MerlinGather close, children, for I am a cautionary tale.

Speaker BYes, exactly.

MerlinI just sent you guys in Skype. I just sent everybody my workout from helping out my daughter's basketball practice. So imagine my back being a hinge. And then all those orange smudges are me.

So your back is a hinge. I got it. My back is such a hinge. I got up to urinate last night and I almost passed out. That could have been the CBD. Oh, but there's literally The thing is, Marco Buy all the CBD you can locate And then literally drink all of it when you get it Because there's no way There's no such thing as a toxic dose

Speaker BThat's kind of like when Alex says Take this small square of this edible chocolate That'll be fun

AlexAlright, moving on Veronica, what's your favorite podcast? I have a good one It kind of breaks the trend of People nominating podcasts Where it's just people sitting around And talking to each other

Merlinthat's how I feed my family

Maxthat's what all of us make it's just sign language is it one where they did like a high concept serial parody

Alexdid they maybe make a 20 minute documentary and spend a whole week creating a really twisted narrative that was beautiful

Speaker Byou probably need at least 99 more employees to do that

Alexno that was not my favorite Max got us so we'll call this no no no so this is from september but i just listened to it recently it's an episode of gastropod does anybody oh yes um it's called mango mania how the american mango lost its flavor this was great i listened to this and it rolled it was amazing it was all about how um we can't get good fruit in this country and uh how people are trying to get uh more flavorful mangoes

growing here. Dr. Veronica,

Merlinis the mango going the way of the banana? Is it like a monoculture problem? What happened to the flavor?

AlexI don't think so. I think there's, so as they explained in the podcast, they have many different varieties of mangoes in India, but they don't grow them here for both climate reasons, but also political reasons, and they get into all the details of that in the podcast. It's called

Speaker BGastro? Gastropod?

AlexGastropod.

Speaker BIs it because the mangoes vote Democrat usually?

MaxOh. The mango episode was a banger.

AlexIt really makes you sad about fruit.

MaxTitle. What's the good mango called? It has a great name.

AlexAlfonso? The Alfonso.

MaxThat's awesome. What a good boy. Yeah. Such a good boy.

AlexIt's supposed to taste like creamy wonderfulness. I don't know.

MerlinI still can't find a jazz apple.

Alexoh god or uh who else uh syracuse i'll steal merlin's this is the podcast we were just

Merlintalking about don't do it don't do it don't do it don't do it i'm doing it because i'm the one who told you to listen to it september september 24th 2016 no you're gonna talk about the other

Speaker Aone oh no no that's a good one that was a good one yeah yeah this is without fail uh alex bloomberg podcast uh and it's the episode where he interviews ira glass his mentor it's yeah ira glass the man who launched a thousand podcasts. It's a show ostensibly about two public radio nerds, but now they all have podcasts. So I think if you make a podcast, it's worth listening to. Just to hear how insane their life and workflow is.

MaxIt was really good. So I have to listen to this now, whatever this thing is.

MerlinWell, it's the podcast I refer to as the podcast that got jammed into, I believe, one, two, three different Gimlet feeds in the last few weeks. Ha, ha, ha. Ha, ha, ha. One, two, three. Semitic rat king of podcasters.

AlexI could not escape this episode, but it was worth it.

MaxWhat's it called? Say the name one more time.

Speaker AWithout fail is the show and the episode is, I can't tell the episode number because it's a bad website.

Speaker BHere, I pasted a more useful link.

Speaker AOh, look at that website. That's a good website. Go look at their webpage, Marco. They have a thousand badges listed in Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Google Podcasts, Pocket Cast, TuneIn, Stitcher, Radio Public, Breaker, RSS.

Speaker BNo overcast button. I should give him a bunch of money and see what happens.

MerlinJohn, John, all credit. Is that not what I said?

Speaker BYeah.

MerlinI said Overcast is not a partner. That's why Mashed Potato Downloader or whatever is there.

Speaker AApple's not giving them any money either. I don't know what TuneIn is. TuneIn's probably giving them money.

MerlinTuneIn? Oh, come on. Really? I don't know. TuneIn is where all the public radio stuff comes from.

Speaker BI've been in the podcast business for a while now. I still can't figure out what TuneIn is.

MerlinTuneIn is like, it's like an aggregator of all kinds of like bizarre feeds, but it's like where tons of public radio ends up. It's a hub of hubs. Well, let me explain.

Speaker BIt's a public sub of hubbub hubbub.

MerlinNo, but if you ask your tube lady to play your local public radio, it'll probably come through TuneIn. Nobody's taken mine yet.

MaxNow, what's a Stitcher? It's like a podcast app, but worse. Lex got pretty mad at me because I went on his podcast, and then he told people to listen on Stitcher at the end, And then I said, don't listen on Stitcher unless you're an idiot.

Oh, Cable, do you have a podcast pick for the Golden Friday? Is he still here, Cable?

Speaker BI don't really listen to podcasts.

AlexWhat?

Speaker AOh, my God, you're that guy. How about the zip drive attachment for the Dreamcast? I'm sorry. Well, sorry.

MaxSee, Marco, think of how much software you could ship if you didn't spend all your time listening to podcasts. There are good podcasts that my friends run.

Speaker BI know Steve in town does one called Tone Control, which is like interviews with game developers that people really like. So if I listen to podcasts, I would probably listen to that one.

MerlinWow.

Speaker AThat's very generous of you. Speculative recommendation from Campbell. That's great.

MerlinYou know, if I liked fisting, I'd probably get this kind of gloves.

Show notes

Transcript

111. Heavy Petting

Show notes

Transcript

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