61. I Feel Like a Poor

AlexThis is Do By Friday, a weekly challenge podcast with Merlin Mann, Alex Cox and Max Temkin.

MaxThis week's challenge. Scoot, scoot. Alex, we started late today because you couldn't take a shit.

AlexWhat happened? Oh, it's a whole. All right. OK. Back it up. Back it up.

Speaker Bum scooting back it makes a sound and lights do you want to read the text alex i can read the text

Merlinif you want uh oh sure sure go ahead this is at uh 7 42 a.m pacific can we start 15 minutes late i could not take my morning shit on time for reasons related to this challenge

Alexand that's the thing i got to read at 7 42 this morning yep yep and hi zach hi merlin how's it Oh, yeah.

MaxHey, buddy.

MerlinJust a big asterisk on this episode as well. Friend of the show, Zach Age. Before we hear about the lack of morning shit from Alexandra, let's introduce our friend Zach.

MaxOur friend of the show, Zach Age, is in town. He's visiting me for reasons that I'm not sure, clear if I can talk about it on the podcast or not. Maybe we'll get into it. Are you doing that bro thing where you go to the gynecologist together?

MerlinYeah, I've never been.

MaxYeah, the bro. What is it?

Speaker AThe bro snip?

MerlinThe brosectomy? Yeah, the brosectomy. We're getting the brosectomy this week. You eat a steak. You eat a steak. and then they hit you with a speculum. We did have a steak.

MaxYeah, Zach's visiting and he rode the Scoot Scooter on the office yesterday so we thought it'd be fun to have him on. Save it for the show.

Speaker AAlso, I actually didn't know this

Maxuntil Zach came to hang out this week but Zach also worked on getting over it with Bennett Foddy, the number one game in America right now. He ported it to iOS. With Matt Bach. Have you played that, Merlin? Are you familiar?

MerlinNo.

MaxGo get it on your iPhone during the episode.

MerlinOkay.

MaxYou'll become so delighted by it. Tell me what it's called. Getting Over It with Bennett Foddy on iOS. Okay. It's the weirdest, most delightful game. And it's somewhere in between. It's like a toy. You can just pick it up and play with it.

MerlinDo you think I have enough skills and manipulating abilities with my little hands?

Speaker BYou're not a real gamer.

MaxOh, it's on Steam. No, no, no. Get it on iOS. You want to download it on your iPhone or iPad. Okay.

AlexSo, Zach, hi.

MerlinWelcome to the show. Our friend Alexandra is going to tell us why she couldn't take a shit.

AlexAll right. Oh, actually, I should show you my phone. Yeah.

MaxI don't want to touch it. No. What? Did it fall in the toilet?

AlexI don't take my phone into the bathroom. I'm not a monster. Oh, my God.

MaxI can grab it with my sleeve here.

AlexMax is holding my phone.

MaxOh, no. What happened? That's a really bad crack, Alex.

AlexThat's a real bad crack.

MaxFor someone who cares and thinks more about cases, iPhone cases than anyone I've ever met in my entire life. This is like, it's like an OCD level problem. The amount that you. It is very bad. You think about cases, you buy cases, you ask people about their cases. How did you do this?

AlexWell, so Merlin, I'm going to show.

MaxIt's like a really bad fracture. It's like the little, it's like the, it's like huge and it's like a little tiny spider lines going all over the phone. Like if you swipe on it, little pieces of glass would embed in your finger.

AlexI actually, okay. Okay, so here's the thing. First, I need to turn off. Oh, is it? Merlin, can you introduce our challenge? I think we should just get that right out of the way. What's happening with this program? It's not. It's my fault. I have a device named Kurzweil underneath me. It's underneath me, and he's making noise.

MerlinAlex smashed her phone, and she's losing her mind. It's been a day. Alex, also, please find your photograph of your mini iPhone cases you've eaten. Please find that photo you put up recently and put it into show notes. Okay. How many is it?

MaxCan we power through the story so your phone is broken and you can take a check?

Speaker BDo you want to hear the challenge first?

AlexWhat's happening in this program? I'm so sorry. This is literally all my fault. This morning has been a whirlwind.

MaxWe're going to have to start the show at any moment.

AlexClap. I'm not going to edit this out. Okay. So last night, I'm sorry. Okay. Story start. 72 hours ago is when I really got into riding. I was in Amsterdam looking at the birds. I had started this challenge, and Merlin will get into this challenge, but I was riding around a very fast device throughout the office, and I was really getting into it. I was very good at this. But as I was riding this device last night in the office, I wanted to FaceTime my brother and show him, look at how cool I am.

and as I was going about the office, I dropped my phone onto our concrete floor and it was right at the part where when we go from the main office to the theater where there's a slight dip so I don't think it would have shattered if I...

MaxSo wait, no case?

AlexNope, I have my case on it. Call it out what case broke your iPhone. This is the thing, guys. It is the Wirecutter's pick for the best iPhone X case and I assume...

MaxThey should have tested them for 5,001 hours. They owe you an apology.

MerlinYou should take the New York Times to court.

Speaker BIs it a bouncy boy?

MaxGet Jackie on the line.

AlexBut thank you to whoever sent this to me because I didn't order it. I thought that maybe I'd gotten high and then had another panic attack and be like, I need to protect my phone.

MerlinYour life is so strange, Alex. I want you to really go back and listen to everything you've said so far. Your life is very, very strange. Whoever sent me the case for this phone that I was using on the Scoot Scoot, I dropped it.

Speaker BCan't pick a shit. Okay.

MaxOkay. All right. Yes. Are you familiar with a man in the middle attack? Have it in your CSS. Now, okay. So now let me tell you something. So yesterday we got a little, yesterday I was going through the mail. I'm still opening like holiday cards that we got from different vendors we work with. and we got developer John got a letter from our domain provider we use gandhi.net just domains, no bullshit, they're great they're not based in the US and highly recommend them

and Gandhi sent us an envelope and inside the envelope were three YubiKeys do you guys know what the YubiKey is?

Merlinis this the thing for 2FA? yes, yes, it's a little

Maxit's a little USB

MerlinI bought one, but I realized I can't use it on my laptop. Yeah.

MaxYeah, they actually don't make... That's a whole separate story. They don't make a... Anyway, so I was at a conference this weekend, and I went to a session about how to not get doxxed and have all your shit ruined. And one of the recommendations was use a YubiKey. Do not have two-factor authentication to your phone. As you remember, having two-factor to the phone is part of how people like Matt Honan have gotten owned in the past, because people can get into your phone and get the numbers and all that. But the YubiKey is like a physical two-factor authentication device. It's a little USB dingus that authenticates you into your computer.

But anyway, Gandhi sent us a little holiday card and three YubiKey's come spilling out of the envelope. And John and I are staring at these things and we're like, I don't think we could use these. Because when you get one, whatever crypto is on the key, it's like you already trust the YubiKey Corporation. You're already deciding to trust them. Right. It's like, OK, it's a little contract between me and YubiKey. Whatever crypto is on this key is secret. But now there's a third party involved. Our domain provider.

Do you know what I'm saying? It's so strange. And I was like, maybe this is a man in the middle attack. But I think that what happened with you is I think you got a man in the middle attack with the case. Right. Someone wanted to break your phone. What do they do? Do they attack you with a hammer? No. They mail you a case and they say, hey, Alex.

MerlinCall it a wetware attack.

MaxThat's right. And they say, hey, check this case out. But guess what? That case, it's compromised.

AlexYou know what?

MaxYou're vulnerable. People know your vulnerability.

AlexYep, yep. And well, actually, my mom could have been a part of this. I've never called my mother a bitch. But last night, she was on the FaceTimer. And she was like, oh, my God, look behind you. And then I fell off the scooter because I was really, it was very frightening.

MerlinIt sucks. The thing that does suck about the Scoot Scoot is it doesn't seem to know when there's not a person on it.

AlexYeah, no. And then it rolls away.

MerlinThere's all kinds of ways it gets confused.

MaxAlex, this is one of the leading causes of death of like Periscopers and YouTube streamers. Hey guys. Hey mom. They're like on their hoverboard about to pop a Tide Pod in their mouth. And then it's like their mom is off camera like, Logan, dinner's ready.

AlexAll right. But seriously, thank you to whoever sent me this lovely gift. It can go in and out of my pocket, and it's grippy, and it does not acquire cat hair.

MaxI'm excited. I think whoever sent you this case should reveal themselves so that you can sue them.

MerlinI think it's called a perjury trap. They sent it to you on purpose. They know it's going to happen to you. This is sickening to me. Are you still using it?

AlexWell, this is why I could not take a poop this morning. I didn't realize how regular and healthy my bowel movements are. And usually I had to leave early to go to the Apple store. And then they're like, oh, we will have to take it for the day. And I'm like, well, I need my phone for today. So I have an appointment for tonight. But then I went back home and I'm like, hmm, something's not right.

MerlinYou lost your window.

AlexYeah. Yeah. Yeah. You know what? It went away. it's the darndest thing it just went away uh and it was like i'm like oh is this what getting old is and then i had a bit of a tummy ache and i'm like well i guess i'll just have um have one sip of coffee uh well hey about that well let's just say the issue has been resolved um and everything's back on track how was the quality um everything's fine it's it's fine i mean no did you have an

Merlinoff-brand poop was it was it was it when you depend on did you make a sausage what happened

AlexI guess it was business as usual. I think it was me panicking. I've never taken a shit in the office. Or I have, but I know for a fact that everybody has already been gone from the office.

Speaker BWe've discussed this.

AlexWow, my favorite game developer is in the room, and this is a great, great story.

Maxmerlin did you get getting over it

Merlindid you get my phone's on the other side of the room so it doesn't interfere with my usb pre 2

Maxit's real alex it's real i could prove it right now take your take your phone out of the microwave it's out of range no but i'm saying go take your go get it we'll we'll stall for you

Merlinno it'll make a noise it'll make and everybody will say crackle crackle crackle crackle i just

Maxate a whole breakfast bowl on the microphone. No one's going to complain about that.

MerlinWhy do so many people Google our website? I just...

MaxWe've been hacked.

MerlinI ain't been hacked. I have...

MaxAll right. Well, here's why I want you to play Getting Over It is... Oh, my God. Because we had previously done... I'm trying to get Merlin to play good iOS games, which are out there, which are out there, and I really think you would like because they fit into a habit and usage that you already have. And I tried to get you playing Clash Royale, which I think is low-key one of the most brilliant and accessible and good game designs on any platform in the last few years. You and Syracuse shit all over it on your podcast. Zach, back me up here. Clash Royale, very good game.

Yeah, I agree with that. Very good game.

AlexOkay, so I'm wondering though, Zach, what makes Clash Royale a good game to you? Because you are, I'm just going to say, I think you are brilliant and you make my favorite iOS games and our listeners really, really love your iOS games. I'm sorry I'm bad at making I can't a contact and I'm also playing get over it maybe you could tell

Merlinthe people some of the other games have you mentioned the bad chess game and our listeners

Alexwill remember one of our challenges was really bad chess and oh yeah that's right another uh game you made type shift um wait that's yes that um that's a fun game it is a very fun game and people have always been upset that uh cucks is not recognized in the merriam-webster dictionary

MaxI'll talk to them about that right away yet I'm a big fan of uh flip-flop solitaire which I think is the smartest. I've never really been a solitaire junkie until this game came out. And I am, well, it's not solitaire. It's like an even more spider solitaire or something. But it's like, it's spider solitaire plus some new mechanics. And I probably played, I'm probably approaching 100 hours of playtime in this game. Like I play it every single day. It's crazy. I always, it's like a, it's like spackle. It just fits into whatever minute I have

to pull up in an app and like play a game. It's so good.

AlexI feel like, Zach, you're one of those people who really cares about people's lives and lifestyles and stuff like that. But it's really damaging to, you know, like if I had been able to take more morning shit, I would have probably been playing flip-flop solitaire. And like every moment of my life is just encompassed by like threes and really bad chess. That's all it is. Marley, do you take your phone into the bathroom?

Speaker AI don't know.

AlexOh.

Speaker AThis is so much adoration, you guys. I'm so uncomfortable. Oh, welcome. I feel like I really fit in right now with the whole vibe.

MerlinAll right. I don't like video games, but I respect them. And your games... No, you don't. Like a game of threes. No, I hate video games. But you don't respect them either. It's got a lot of class and polish. And I really actually do appreciate... I was playing threes yesterday. I got almost 4,000. Really killing it. But no, I think you do amazing work. And I'm honored that you're here. Well, threes has nothing to do with Zach.

AlexI know. It's Asher.

Speaker AI'm not Asher. I put the little faces on the edges.

AlexOh, yeah. I was just mentioning it because you're all part of the same friend circle.

MerlinThe same Rack King of Video Boys.

MaxAll the great Video Boys. Asher made Puzzle Juice. And then at the same time, you were working on your letter game. Yeah, Spell Tower. Spell Tower. But I like Puzzle Juice. I think Puzzle Juice is better. That's mine. That is totally fair. That's my take.

AlexAll the great games. Max, do you remember when Merlin interviewed Asher on Roderick on the Blind?

MaxYes. I felt like I was like, am I hallucinating right now? Did I take mushrooms right now? You know how you guys have guests all the time on Roderick on the Blind? Hey, if you want to pitch us, just.

They can email Francis. Yeah. I think there's only ever been one other person other than you and John ever on Roderick on the Blind. And then it was my buddy Asher, and he just all of a sudden Asher pops up.

MerlinYeah, he was funny. He's funny.

MaxAsher's great. What was Roderick's famous quote, this is not a game for vulnerable people?

God.

MaxAll right. We have so many fucking things to talk about.

MerlinWe can hold on from the challenge. We've heard about Alex's poopy time and crack screen. Did you have anything else you wanted to bring to us this week, Max?

MaxI had my electrician was over the electrician was over at the house last week doing some um finishing up some stuff in the basement the whole studio I'm building for myself and uh he needed to oh fuck what was he doing he was I don't know he was tinkering with some lighting fixture he had his hands all up in the guts of this lighting fixture and pieces were coming out and stuff and and he was just like putting two wires together to like turn it on and then like taking the wires apart to take them off and I was like oh I know what it was it was it wasn't the it was the it was the fixture in the switch and then the light switch and he was

just going in between them and like touching wires and making it go on and off and i was like and i was like i was like hey guys shouldn't you uh turn the circuit breaker off because when i tried to install a switch the other day the first thing that on the internet that it said to do is turn the breaker off i'm sure they love that and he goes and he looked at me and he was like no like we don't do that and and i was like don't you get shocked because that's what google said would happen and he goes i had something more than a strong cup of coffee that's amazing i just

Alexi just thought that was pretty cool that's incredible did you want to try it then yourself

Maxi would have no absolutely not i turned the circuit off circuit off like a cock but that's a strong that's a strong alpha move is that you don't even turn the circuit off you just pull the wires apart with your bare fingers any electricians so but first number a number one when i was trying to install them so i god i get there's so much i have to talk about so i tried to install a wemo light switch into my house and so I was at this conference this weekend and I was talking to someone about that I've been going to the gym and I've been like lifting weights and they were like and this is like a fitness person who was we were talking about I don't know we're talking about gym

shit or whatever and he was like have you noticed that your testosterone's gone up and I and then I was and I thought to myself I don't think I would even know what that I don't know what it would feel like to have high or low testosterone or any comparative feeling about that at all

Merlinit's like it's like asking somebody blind from birth how they feel about colors yeah it's like

Maxblue is good are people always ask like do you dream with pictures it's like how would they know like what they don't have any comparison like how do you see purple yeah whenever i meet a colorblind person i always want to act like who like can't like like like ben from cards is like hardcore red green colorblind like like it's a disability red green colorblind like he cannot distinguish them and every time i talk about it with ben i want to know what does it look like what do you see and he's like i don't know how could i just and it's so frustrating i just want a straight answer just tell me what it looks like but anyhow so he oh so you're lifting weights and

installed some electronics so he said does your is your test have you noticed that your testosterone has gone up and i thought about it and i was going to be like well i don't know but then i thought you know the other day i did have an urge i had a an overwhelming urge to install a wemo smart smart light switch by myself by myself in our bedroom i was like i should just do this and i was like i have a drill and i think i'm pretty sure very well protected yeah i'm pretty sure i have a drill and and i opened up the box and i opened up the box for the wemo smart light switch

And it was like, there's four wires. And you just put the green on the line and the red on the other one. And, you know, the neutral and so on and so forth. And it had a little picture. And I was like, I could do this. And so I unscrew the plate of the, I turn the circuit off. I unscrew the plate of the light switch. I unscrew each of the switches. And I pull them out from the wall. And on the back of the light switches, this is in my bedroom. I just was like, maybe it would be nice to have a smart light switch in the bedroom. and I could turn the lights off from bed

without getting out from under my weighted anxiety blanket. And I pull the light switch out from the wall and it has like eight wires coming out of it. There's like a green-white stripe and like a purple. It's a multiple-choice light switch. So it's a low-voltage. It's a 10-volt low-voltage light and it has crazy carnival wires coming out of it. And I'm holding the Wemo. I'm holding the Wemo light switch in one hand

and looking at the eight wires coming out of the other one, and I'm like, I don't know what goes to what. So I was like, maybe I can just try. I was like, how many, in my head, I was like, how many permutations could there be? Because I brute force puzzles in games like this where it's like, well, how many options could there be, really? And so I started doing it, and I was like, combination? It's like a game of Battleship, but with your life. And the thing is, order, it's permutations because, wait, Zach, which one is order doesn't matter. permutations or combinations order doesn't matter so there's fewer i'm not a mathematician anyway

there's fewer of them so i did the math i did the math and it's not that and it was like this is reasonable so i so i wire it up and i'm like i'll try that and i go into the other room and i turn the breaker on nothing wire it up number switch it over by one wire it up process of elimination brute force brute force attack brute force attack and uh anyway it didn't work and i broke the light switch but then but then i also tweeted hey i said i was like are there any electricians that like follow follow me on twitter and i got i got a hundred replies from people that weren't

electricians oh my god and they were like i know stuff about light switches not interested and then i got dms i got about three electricians who very helpful who are listeners of the show friends of the show and they very helpfully walked me through it and explained to me that it absolutely wouldn't work and that I was pretty dumb for having tried it. They were like, please hire an electrician.

MerlinOwing to your testosterone levels, you went and docked some women.

MaxI had to yell at them

Speaker Aon Twitter. It does sound like your testosterone has gone up.

MaxYou know what I did is I waited until a woman made a joke about how men always explain their jokes to them. Then I did a joke reply where I was like, this is me explaining the joke to you. I was that guy. That's always funny. Listen, if you're a listener of the show, always do that.

No one's going to get upset. Always reply to a joke tweet with the thing that's being complained about.

Oh, anyway, so, and then also I wasn't able to understand. I couldn't put the plate back on the light switch. So we just had like cords and light switches hanging out of the wall for about a week until the electrician could come and fix my mistake. what was the electrician's reaction to your work uh because i've had this happen with plumbing

Merlini've had this happen with other small home repairs where they just they arrive and it's just like it's like like i tried to do my own colonoscopy they're like what have you what have you begun here yeah he was like he was like did he cuck you yeah he was just like he was like yeah don't don't

Maxtry to do this by yourself like hire a professional but what was the resolution do you have you got so the wemos the wemos like basically don't work they're a great product but they basically don't work anywhere in my house because my lights are too complicated aren't you a human excuse me

Merlinsorry uh are you a hue person aren't you are you a phillips hue person oh no absolutely not

Speaker Bit took everyone in the room way too long to get the joke um no the hue is a bad product and it

Maxsucks uh no i have normal grown-up i have normal grown-up lights i have normal grown-up lights i I have halogen and LED all through the house. This is going to be Les Mis all over again.

MerlinSo that it looks good.

MaxNo, I bought a Hue thing, and I installed the Hue smart bridge in my house. No, you did it wrong. You did it wrong. It also happened the first time you tried Les Mis. And I got his, listen, it got, I was like, I installed it, and I was like, hey, this is pretty neat. And I even set it so if I wake up and go to the bathroom in the middle of the night, all the light is red, and I did all the right little tricks. And then I got as far as explaining to Veronica, okay, here's the deal. We can't use the light switch anymore. And tap, boom. This is, god damn it, Max. This is what I'm talking about. You need a tap switch or you need the dimmer switch. No, no, no, no, no. Let me tell you. You don't cuck yourself. You just put a dimmer switch right next to it. You're good to go.

Audience of Dubai Friday, heed my words. Listen to me. Oh, no. Merlin is wrong. Do not buy a supplemental thing. Listen to me. There's only one good smart home device, which is smart light switches that wire into your existing thing in the wall.

MerlinAnd you know that because there's all bare foam.

MaxBecause I tried everything and the other ones suck. Don't put a fucking extra tap switch in your house with a normal light switch. So how many Wemo switches do you have installed and are working right now? So I have, so I, so this Wemo doesn't, didn't work for me. But I got. So to clarify, now that you're an expert on, on things, home lighting, how many of these do you have installed right now? It's zero. But wait a minute.

Speaker BOh, geez. I'm sorry.

MaxBut wait a minute. I got, I got a different product called Leviton. Your testosterone is so fucking hot right now. You were shitting on Leviton the other day. But I got a different product called Leviton. No, no. And they're in my basement and they're fucking awesome. I can control the lights. I have different lighting scenes. Leviton is like the Canada of smart products. You don't want that. Well, the only thing that's going to work in my house, it turns out, is some sort of homewares. It'll come to me.

AlexIt's like a high-end homewares thing. Yes, it's incredibly expensive. It's not Leviton.

MaxIt's something else.

AlexThey call it. All right. You go to the website. It says port logistics and freight, military logistics, air freight, and bespoke. What is this?

MaxYou sure have the right thing? Get a Leviton. Here's what you want, everyone. Get a Leviton smart light switch. and then you put it in your wallet and I can say, you know what I can say? Okay, Google, turn the lights off and all the lights go off.

MerlinHow long have you been using

Maxthe one you installed? I don't know, a couple weeks. You definitely have one that's installed that you're using. I have four smart lights, four Leviton smart light switches and they rule and I can even go, Zach, what did we do last night when we were playing video games on the TV? I said, okay, Google, put the movie lights on and all the lights changed and dimmed so that there was no glare on the screen. You can go from different scenes. Are you able to control multiple rooms with it? I only put them in one room, but eventually, yes.

Speaker BOkay. All right.

MaxAnd what you can do is if you have an Alexa or a Google or a whatever, a smart, what's the Apple ball?

Speaker BIt's not.

MaxThe home ball. If you have a home ball in your room, basically those things know to associate the switches in the room with it. So if the Alexa's in the kitchen and you say, Alexa, turn the lights off and you're standing in the kitchen, it's smart enough to just turn the kitchen lights off. It's very cool. Sorry to everybody whose lights just got turned off. Alexa, turn the lights back on.

Alexa, set the temperature to 76 degrees.

AlexOh, no.

MaxAlexa, order cards against humanity.

AlexAlexa, confirm. No, no, no.

MerlinAnyhow.

AlexAll right.

MerlinGoogle Saudi Falcon plane.

AlexI'm curious, though. You were saying, OK, Google, have you switched?

MaxI received with, so I bought a bunch of electronics for my basement. And I received a free Google Home, the little one. And I like it. The mini. And I like it.

AlexOh.

MaxI like it a lot. And I also put one in our bedroom. And the idea is that we can use voice to control. So when you're in bed, you can just use your voice to set the temperature and turn the lights off, which is pretty fucking great, to be honest. That's a situation where you do not want to get out of the covers.

MerlinYeah. I've never heard of this. There's a lot of scuttlebutt at my kids' school about what the best voice control system is, and a lot of them prefer the Amazon product. One kid says, in particular, the Google product is way better at giving you terse answers that are smart and also really good at, guess what, Googling. That is really good for search stuff.

MaxOne thing I like about the Google one is without a lot, it barely has any setup. It's not like Alexa. It just goes. You don't have to install apps.

MerlinWhen you get an Android device, you enter one thing, and you've got all your stuff on there.

MaxYeah, and I have to say, nobody tell me why it's creepy. I don't care. I know the deal with the devil that I've made. But I can say, if I'm sitting in my office, I could say, okay, Google, what's on my calendar? And it has Google Calendar. It just knows. That's cool to me. The Amazon product also does that.

Speaker AMerlin, when your kid comes home from school and you ask them what they did, they tell you that everybody sat around and talked about what kind of voice-controlled device was the best device?

MerlinThat's a really good question. I have a window of about 14 minutes where my child is interested in talking to me after school when she's very enthusiastic. So I find out who's in trouble. I find out who got sent to the office. I find out who's on the outs, who's eating weird stuff. And yeah, sometimes I get some really random stuff. I find out that Portugal the Man is currently the third most popular band at her school. I find out very interesting little out-of-context tidbits.

MaxPortugal the Man sounds like one of those Coachella, like AI-generated Coachella bands. Yeah, it's like a Markov band. yeah uh wait a minute now did you guys get sent to the office when you were in school

Merlinvery rarely yeah i was the only when i in seventh grade i was the only person in my entire uh lower school like fifth sixth seventh grade i was the only person in my school that did not receive a demerit all year long i was terrified i was terrified of authority i got sent to the office

Alexto get little rewards and award yeah my kid gets that she gets to go pick something out of the

MaxThey were like over the intercom. Oh my God. Alex Cox, please report to the office. You've earned one treat for knocking on your fellow students. Alex Cox.

AlexGood girl. As we've discussed previously on this program, that's like my one regret in life is actually behaving and doing homework. Look at me, Alex.

Speaker BI do my homework like a person.

AlexThere was no consequences. And now I'm an adult and I have real consequences in life, hurting myself and breaking my very expensive phone.

MaxNot taking a shit. I think I got sent to the office at least once every year that I was in school.

AlexWhat happens?

MaxOh, well, so the thing is, I was always like Al Capone getting busted for tax evasion. Like it was never, like I never got sent to the office for something bad. I honestly, I didn't have to think about it for a second, but it was always for like yelling too loudly during playtime. Or like it was never,

Merlinit was always like. I bet you got caught up. You know what? I bet you got caught up in a dragnet because sometimes when the teacher's having a bad day, lots of kids get in trouble that don't deserve it. I've seen that happen a lot. I bet you were in a drag net.

MaxI mean, I did genuinely bad stuff in school. Like I figured out how to like not like read books and not learn anything for an entire year. And like, I don't know. I just genuinely like created havoc in the school. But I never got in trouble for any of that. I only ever got in trouble when it was not really my fault. But I think you're right. The teacher had a bad day and I was already pushing buttons. and then it was just like the straw that broke the camel's back was like I was like too loud or some shit. I also did learn that if you made enough trouble in gym class

and like were disruptive enough that you would get sent out in the hall to read.

AlexThat sounds great. Yeah, exactly.

MaxSo that happened a lot to me.

MerlinShower down to get an A. Yeah.

AlexWell, I want to ask the three of you though, what happens when you get to the office? Like is there, do they yell at you?

MerlinIt's mostly a childhood version of white torture. You basically just have to sit there and feel that. A long, long time ago. It's mainly white torture. Mainly it's being nervous and scared. And then you generally get a little talking to.

MaxI think a lot of times it's just the teacher needs a fucking break. Yep. So they make you sit. So you go to the office. You have a piece of paper. It's like Max was sent to the office for throwing up something. the classroom or whatever and then you like uh go to the office and you you give the paper to the secretary and you sit in the in a chair for like 20 minutes just sweating just trembling and sweating and then eventually the principal or some authority figure comes out and sits you down at their desk and they're like you you were very bad like how what can you do to not make this happen again

and then they like walk you back to class but it's it is purely like it's like psychological games.

AlexI remember, I think it was last year on New Year's Eve, I was talking to you and another co-founder of Cards Against Humanity, Josh, about detention and how detention was basically like, I mean, it's obviously punishment for the parents because you need to drive your kid back and forth, but you would sit in a room and do homework and read all day. And that sounds, that would be paradise for me. And you have to be quiet.

MerlinEveryone has to be quiet.

AlexBut I would be able to get away from my siblings and just read quietly. in an air conditioned room all day. I should have been a terror in school. I would have had much better quality.

MerlinYeah, don't throw me in the briar patch. Zach, what made you a bad boy?

Speaker AI only got sent to the principal's office once and it was because my friends and I had been running for a student office without actually running and making inappropriate posters.

Speaker BThat's so cool.

Speaker AAnd we got punished. What was one of the posters that you made? Oh my God. I think I just made posters that looked exactly like whoever other poster I see. And I would just put them up right next to them. And then I wrote vote for Zach with no position. Oh, your culture jam.

MerlinThat's good. The situation is.

Speaker AYeah, we were disrupting. You were ad-boxing. Oh, God. And yeah, so just the one time. And then they sent me to the principal's office. and they, oh, well, actually, and then my friend, his last name was Johnson, and he made a lot of very lewd posters.

MaxAbout LBJ?

Speaker ALBJ, yeah.

MaxI like me, and I'm going to get my trousers measured. We discovered LBJ Johnson.

Speaker BThat's pretty dirty.

Speaker AThe way that you got posters on the wall is you had to have them stamped, and the woman who stamped them was very nice and very old and she would stamp anything.

MaxOh my God, I had the same hack. Well, eventually we stole the stamp because we realized that. Oh my God! Yeah, but yeah, yeah.

Speaker AYou're all monsters. Monsters! He made a poster that was just vote for Johnson but the whole thing was written in a, if you've ever seen those like poems that are written, you know, in the shape of like a Christmas tree, you can kind of imagine. Except it was LBJ. Imagine, yeah. And I was there for that one. And she went, this is a very interesting poster. Is that a rocket ship?

Speaker BIt's very creative. What did you say?

Speaker ASo we got sent to the principal's office, and we had to scrub desks, and the dean called me Shakespeare for the rest of the year, which kind of felt like a badge of honor. I mean, I think they were just sort of messing with us.

MerlinBecause your principal was Matt Foley. Did you guys have the imminent threat of corporal punishment in your school? Absolutely not. What? No. Shit.

AlexI was born in 1990.

MerlinOh, my God. That's the thing. If you went to the principal's office at any time when I was in public school, up to and through the mid-80s, yeah, there's a pretty good chance that you would be hit. And the student handbook even had an explanation, a really, a disturbingly dark fetishistic explanation of, like, what you were allowed to use to hit a kid with. Oh. Yeah, yeah. Most teachers had a paddle on display in the class.

And, well, you might remember, Alex, about Mr. Fennell. Mr. Fennell with his paddle with the star on it. And he would hit you until the mimeograph star broke. What?

AlexYeah. I mean, that was the thing. it was kind of like a joke because I went to, you know, Catholic school all my life. And, but that obviously, you know, I, I only had a couple nuns as teachers. Um, and the, the joke was like, ah, the, like ruler will let you with the ruler, but that never, that never became a thing. And in fact, I, I remember, um, my, my parents also never did like hitting or spanking or anything like that. And I have vivid memories of one time of like my mom pulling me aside,

probably because I wasn't making eye contact with somebody. And she pinched me, and it hurt so bad. And I started crying. And she was absolutely horrified because she didn't mean to do that, even though she was mad. But yeah, I'm a snowflake. Never got hit.

What an upper. Thanks, Merlin. Well, was that still a thing when you went to military school, can you ask?

MerlinNo, no. They would do more like Gitmo kind of stuff, like stress position type things. Oh, God. No, I mean, this is covered in that Roderick on the Line episode. What was it called? Everybody knew what Mr. Fennell did. And yeah, so the principal at the junior high was entirely empowered to SWAT U, I think up to five times. I never got it, but I lived in constant fear of it. I mean, it's like the guy who didn't throw up since Star Wars came out, but he still thinks about throwing up all the time. I lived in constant fear of being hit.

And it's like I said with my daughter, like, you know, she accidentally got hit in the nose the other day while playing a game where you try to punch a ball away. And we're talking about that difference between like somebody hitting you accidentally versus somebody hitting you on purpose and how it's a thousand times worse when somebody hits you on purpose.

MaxOh, and in third grade, Andy Rubin hit me in the head with a metal baseball bat and I'm still mad about it.

MerlinMy cousin hit me with a nine iron. I had a concussion and they were scared to take me to the hospital. I think it explains a lot.

MaxI have a number of topics related to the coffee shop experience. I have a couple of bullet points that have accrued about coffee shops. Can I switch topics? Oh, yeah. Can we make the whole coffee shop out of black box? Yeah. Number one.

Okay. First of all, so I went to, over the holidays, I went to a Starbucks signature store. Do you guys know what that is?

AlexI do indeed.

MaxI actually went to two different Starbucks signature stores. Because the one in Wicker Park now is like a signature Starbucks store. And then I also went to one in the suburbs. And in both cases, it was just because I wanted a milkshake drink. And I was out and not at home.

AlexThis is a safe space. It's okay. You don't need to qualify when you went to Starbucks.

MaxSo I have a theory. The Starbucks signature stores, by the way, it's like where Starbucks is really pushing to sort of, they do experimental stuff. So the one in Wicker Park, for example, they have a pour-over bar, a separate pour-over bar.

MerlinSo is it more sort of upscale?

MaxYeah, they're basically trying to do like third wave or I don't know, whatever it is, coffee. Like fancy coffee like you'd see in an indie coffee shop like in a Starbucks. So they have like good correctly roasted beans. I think they call Starbucks Reserve and they have like a pour-over bar. But here's my theory, and I'm really hoping that a listener of Dubai Friday can help confirm this. But I have a theory that if you work at a Starbucks signature store, if you're an employee of a Starbucks signature store, that you're required to wear a hat.

I think you're required to wear a cool hat. because at both of the Starbucks signature stores that I had, everyone, every single employee had a knit beanie or like a Pharrell hat or like one of those little rimmed hipster hats or a fedora.

AlexMax, I know this is a bit, but I... It's not a bit. I'm actually thinking

Maxthat it might be part of the uniform.

AlexIt literally is. How do you know? Because Maddie works at Starbucks and they have a handbook that is a style guide of how not just the hats, but how your entire apparel down to the shoes, which doesn't make sense.

MaxAt a normal Starbucks, you do not have to wear a hat.

AlexNope. Yeah, at a normal Starbucks, it depends on like how lax they are, but like the corporate handbook, it says you have to wear a Starbucks, like the little baseball cap. Oh, they want you to wear a baseball cap. Or part of their style guide.

MaxBut what I'm saying is, so I think someone at Starbucks corporate, they were like, all right, guys, we have a marketing problem. We got a big problem on our hands here. People don't think Starbucks is cool. They don't think it's high quality. And they do think that, you know, the whatever buzz killer espresso, you know, that you go to your local neighborhood shop that does not just serve you a big tall glass of milk, which I do not want. I do not want a big tall glass of milk. Now, people like that coffee and they like that store. They don't like our store. And the tide is turning. What do we do? So they're like, they went into the store. They look around. They're like, what's the difference between the Starbucks and this store?

And they're like, okay, everyone in this store, they're wearing a cool hat. We got to get everyone wearing a cool hat. They did exactly that. And I literally think of these Starbucks reserve stores. They're like, what do we do to signify that you're in a good coffee shop? And it's like, they do have different interior design and stuff. But also, I think that they're like, you have to wear a cool hat.

AlexIt goes a step further. In urban areas, you don't need to cover your tattoos at Starbucks. Where in suburban areas, you do. There are style guides for different areas.

MaxCould that be a signature store thing? It could be as well, yeah. Like maybe at the signature, I think at the signature store, they have a different uniform code.

AlexMaybe they have to have tattoos as well.

MaxIf you're a listener of Dubai Friday, we will protect, I will protect your anonymity. I'll do something involving a PGP key, which I think is a thing.

Speaker BSend me the, send me the thing.

MaxSend me the uniform code. I want to know what the rules are about what kind of hat you wear to create the illusion that a Starbucks signature store is like a hipster coffee spot.

MerlinYou're like the Julian Assange of Starbucks.

MaxYeah. I want to be the Glenn Greenwald of Starbucks. Okay. You don't like women? Send me the papers. Yeah. by the way, I don't know if anyone's ever gotten tweeted at or about by Glenn Greenwald, but he might be the, have the worst audience on Twitter. It's abominable.

MerlinI think he also had a little bit of a stop clock problem.

MaxI've been tweeted about by, on the one hand by like, yeah. Oh, big stop clock problem.

MerlinI've been tweeted about by like, like, I think he's one of those ones, maybe a little bit like some of these Mac rumors people. Yeah. Where it's like, they really, they accidentally nailed it that one time and they're still getting by on the strength.

MaxYep. Absolutely. No, absolutely no doubt. But I've gotten tweeted about by Mike Thernovich many times, and it's no big deal. I mean, a few people send me nasty tweets, and I move on with my life. But holy shit, the Glenn Greenwald tweet, it just doesn't end. It's just like tons and tons of people just bothering me for weeks. It's crazy. They're a really, really bad audience.

MerlinSo what are you going to do? What do they call it, a pigeon drop? You've got to create some kind of a sci-fi secret channel where people can send you this PDF.

MaxI think just DM me, or you know what you could do is you could email me. It's max.temkin at gmail.com. No P in Temkin. And just use like a mail. Here's what you do. Here's what you do, folks. Go on Mailinator, which is like the disposable email client, or Gorilla Mail, or one of those like disposable email clients. Just mail me the guide. We'll talk about it on the show. Are you offering a bounty? Oh, I'll send you a treat. But the thing is, in order to receive a treat, you would have to tell me like an address. so if you want to be anonymous the treat is that we'll make that listen the tweet is here's the

treat the treat is that you work at starbucks and your job sucks and we'll make fun of it on the podcast there's your there's your treat number two what do you guys do okay so now a lot of the coffee shops i go to they have the square checkout experience right yes now what do you guys do when you create a coffee shop and you ring up because today zach and i got a little bit of food we got some drinks made the the the little thing pops up on the square and it recommends a 20 tip what do you guys do in that scenario

AlexI tap the 20%

Maxyou do 20% at a coffee shop on the credit card

AlexI yeah

MaxMerlin

Speaker Acash I do cash if I have it but how much cash

Merlinno one should ever use a credit card at a coffee place that's insane you've got a Starbucks card that goes zippy zap that's fine but like sitting there waiting for your fucking pin chip thing to go through and you put in your god damn no don't do that there are people with lives here lives hang in the balance oh no cash no

Alexcarry ten dollars with you it's the opposite it's the opposite here where they have to open no like if i were to go into a starbucks with cash it like my neighborhood starbucks um they would look at me like what's happening like they have to get the key to open the thing because normally everyone's like in it just in and out with the app or with apple pay oh my god i'm telling you apple pay

Maxwith, if you know what you're doing, listen, listen, here's the...

MerlinNothing beats Apple Pay.

MaxHere's the deal.

MerlinWhen they have it and it's working,

Maxit's the best. I do have a caveat for this, which is if you're using Apple Pay for the first time, don't do it when there's a line because you will fumble with it and it will be weird and you're going to have to do it a million times.

MerlinAnd sometimes your card gets disconnected for absolutely no reason and it's really embarrassing.

MaxSometimes, yeah, sometimes you have to like go into settings and put... Have you ever had that

Merlinwhere your watch just stops working? You're like, I have money, I swear.

MaxYeah, sometimes it's like, or it's like... I feel like a poor. Sometimes I try to pay with something, and then it's like, open the settings app and put your CCV number in. It's like, fuck you, I'm trying to buy a coffee. There's people in line. So you have to go in. You have to be a fucking operator. This is a special ops mission. You have to go in. You're sealed Team 6, okay? You can't be fumbling around your little Batman utility belt looking for the flashbang. You've got to know the hotkeys. You've got to go in. Do you know what I'm saying? Yes. Double tap. Tap the card. Hold it to the reader.

Boop, boop. Done. Walk away. Hands up in the air.

MerlinIf you're doing a Munich thing and you're going to try and rescue some hostages, let's not have that be the first day you decide to learn how to repel.

MaxPlan ahead. Learn how to use the pressure cooker before you go on Top Chef. You know that they're going to give you pig intestines and you're going to have to use the pressure cooker. Every fucking season, they always give you a fucking hog ear or a cow stomach and you have eight minutes to cook it. Every season. Listen to me. you're a quick fire and you'll make a paella yeah every season i've watched 22 seasons of top chef and in every single one of them they give them organ meat or or or or um or a short rib or

something and they're like you have 10 minutes to cook this every season without fail it always happens and every season half the chefs are like i've never used a pressure cooker in my life let's make risotto don't go on top chef if you don't know how to use a pressure cooker you you will fail like i guarantee you it will come up and you're gonna be handed a pig ear and you're gonna have to cook it and it's only gonna work in a pressure cooker just know how to put the goddamn

Merlintop on the pressure cooker what are you doing let me figure on top of that because here's the other thing i think that a lot of these millenniums they think they're good at paying for things they think they've got this wired real tight i don't think they've had an adult figure in their life to walk in and say you're not paying well you're not paying fast enough if you're getting if you're getting some lifesavers really we've got to wait for the boop boop with the chip and then you put in the pin and all that no well no we need camps for this we need to train these

Maxdon't don't remove card don't remove card don't remove card don't remove card don't remove card

Speaker Bsuccessful transactions now everyone's glad the mix is quiet aren't

Maxhere's can i just quickly say my objection is i don't think that the correct amount to tip in a coffee shop is 20 because and it depends i guess it depends on exactly what you're getting but Like, okay, sometimes I'm not even getting a mixed drink. Sometimes I'm getting like a croissant.

That's it.

AlexOh, I see what you're saying. Do you know what I'm saying?

MaxLike if someone's taking something out of a – our donut store. Forget the coffee shop. Yeah. You go to the donut store. They take a donut. They put it in a little piece of wax paper, fold it over it. They hand it to you. You tap your phone. You walk away. Is that a 20% tip? Is 20% of the value of that donut – No, no.

MerlinHere's the correct – If you're buying one person's worth of stuff that does not require a huge amount of hassle, there are two amounts that you should tip. $1 is standard. And if you're a nice person and like the place, it's $2 and some change. What was left over for change? Oh, man. 20% seems like kind of a lot.

MaxHere's my deal. I will take any—

MerlinWell, you know what, though? What does that mean? That means it's $2 on $10. That's not terrible, but I wouldn't automatically hit that button.

MaxNo, I always downgrade to maybe the 15% tip or the 10% tip because 20% is too high. You're showing your buying power. It's too high. But if it's a cash transaction, here's the amount that you're going to get is whatever changes in my hand and a dollar bill. Yes.

Speaker BZach, please, please.

Speaker AI think I tip pretty high, but I tip like $2 to $5 basically any time I'm in a tipping situation.

MaxYou go up for a $300 meal at Alinea, and you're like, crisp $5 bill for you, garçon.

Speaker AYeah. See, well, you got to save money on the top end. It's a progressive tip. Put some extra rolls in the bag.

MaxHere's the thing. If the guy's coming out, and he's fucking scraping my crumbs and cracking pepper on stuff, I'll give him a 30% tip. He's working. That's his whole thing. But if you're handing me a donut and a wax paper wrapper, I don't think you earn the 20%.

Speaker AI don't go to coffee shops very often, and I think it depends. Probably it's a little bit different at, like, a major Starbucks or something like that. But my wife used to work at a diner, and she was the counter person at a diner. And nobody who works at the counter at a diner ever, ever gets tipped. It's always the people who are actually preparing the things.

MaxBut the people at the counter are, like, they're, like, doing a fucking ballet down there. They're doing more work. They have more customers. Because they're also, like, answering the phone and dealing with, like, to-go orders.

Merlinand so I always dealing with caviar and Postmates and all the different ones

Speaker Athat's a lot now it's like a real nightmare so I guess I'd like that's where my tipping comes from I think probably at like Starbucks probably the person at the coffee counter is being paid the same as the people who are prepping the coffee

Maxif I've got I don't want anyone to think I'm a stingy tipper because if I if I have a meal I have actually tipped I've gotten it depends like if we have like great service at a meal I have tipped the value of I've given a hundred percent tip on meals before if we have like a great like a great experience or someone like, or you know what I love is if a server gets to know us enough to know that we want to try interesting food and then they, they tell us what to try and they're like, oh, the, try this or you guys might like this. Or like if they push us out of our comfort zone and make us

try new stuff, like I will give up, I will give a hundred percent tip for that because the whole value of the meal was that we had this great person who did, is good at their job and did, did a great did it made the meal memorable and good for us but i don't know i feel so weird about the default the 20 default on like a like a coffee shop tip that feels that feels egregious it feels wrong to me i i think that's fair i i just assume that everybody's being paid poorly also like what about like self-service stuff like sometimes you'll be at a convenience store or

something where it's like and there's like a tip option or something like that and it's like what anytime you have like a square reader there's like a tip option and sometimes you did all the

Speaker Awork yeah it does seem strange that it's like invaded all processing yeah it's weird it's like

Merlinsometimes i feel like i'm also like uh i don't want to be ageist but i also feel like i'm offsetting old people because there are people as somebody who's worked in a fair amount of food service stuff there are people who think the tip is whatever is left over in coins oh you're gonna

MaxYou're going to be a Mr. Pink.

MerlinYeah, right. Sometimes, like, you know, there's sometimes where I really, like, our kids go into a camp, and one of the options is you can pay for your kids' camp and more, and we're going to pay for two kids' camp because, like, that's a thing that you do is you pitch in. So, like, I'm constantly thinking about, like, holy shit, how many people come into this place and tip nothing or tip joke amounts? And it's like I feel like I'm offsetting that a little bit when I over-tip.

Speaker ADo you think we're going to start seeing tipping on all transactions? When you order from Amazon, there will be a tip option.

MaxThat is there. Maybe not Amazon, but any delivery.

AlexRight now has a tip. Yeah, there is tipping on everything. A $20 suggested tip. And that was the one time in my life. Almost always five. That was the one time in my life I was like, oh!

MaxI feel like I've even done courier and delivery things and apps and stuff where they basically say, hey, we barely pay these people. Do you want to give them a tip? That seems really fucked up. Fuck you, man. Don't put that on me. Why don't we have no tipping and pay them a fair wage? In fact, I even mentioned Alinea in my joke, and then in the back of my mind I realized one of the core beliefs of Alinea and that whole restaurant group, which is the highest of high-end places in Chicago, is they charge a real fair price for the meal,

and there is no tipping allowed in the building, and they pay their people above. And guess what? People stay at Alinea. I know I'm friends with front of house people that have worked there for 5-10 years which is unusual in the restaurant industry they've been at that job for a long time

Merlinthey're happy with the setup?

Maxyeah because they don't have a tip they earn more than fair living why isn't the whole world like that? just charge me more for the dinner

Merlinand pay everyone a fair wage I might be out of date on this but I really do feel like this is true I've been a waiter, I've been a busboy I've done a lot of that kind of stuff and one of the funny phenomena at least living in retiree Florida is that sometimes the people like Max, who may not have high expectations, but tip fairly and well, regardless of what happens, and then there are people who are dangling the idea that there's going to be this big tip if they get all this extra stuff, and they're frequently the worst, worst, worst. Oh, my God. You mean there's people who say... The more they're like,

they're more seeking out some kind of vigilante justice about how they've been treated.

MaxYou're saying there's people who basically do what I do, but they say it in advance. They're like, hey, if you do all this stuff for us, I'll give you a big tip.

MerlinYeah, and you would know, for example, who the high rollers were. Somebody who would give you a dollar at the beginning of the meal or something. Small stakes. It's Pasco County. No, but I mean, it's true. I mean, I think this is true just in society in general. There's probably an 80-20 rule somewhere. There's a Pareto principle somewhere in here about people who are the most demanding and loud are also the least grateful.

MaxWell, it's like how Warren Buffett eats a McDonald's sandwich every day for breakfast. Oh, God, I love that so much. Based on the market economy, he picks the sandwich and his wife puts the exact change in his pocket. It's like, what are you doing, man? Go get a healthy grain bowl. Look, I don't have as much money as Warren Buffett, but I had a fucking brown rice and black beans bowl.

MerlinI'm starting to think- You ever been happy to tuck into that, Max? You ever been happy to tuck into a grain bowl? It was pretty- I don't know, Zach had one. It was delicious, but I'm starting to think there's something to these preservatives. They do such a nice sandwich at the Starbucks. You can get something on a ciabatta.

MaxI do think the McDonald's breakfast sandwich lineup is the best thing in this. I mean, that's not even a controversial. I feel like that's a popular opinion, but it's for sure it's the best thing on the box.

MerlinIt's some pretty good breakfast sandwiches, too.

MaxAll right. Final question. What do you guys do in a store? Ask for your email address.

MerlinLie.

MaxLike I've had to go to Best Buy a couple of times in the last few weeks because I have to buy like, you know, speaker cable or something that it's like, you know, I'm in a situation where it's like, I need this right now and I can't wait a day on Amazon.

MerlinThat and for years, that and zip code is presented like something that's legally required.

MaxYeah. In order to the I don't know if anyone's shopped at a Best Buy. Has anyone been to a Best Buy in recent history?

MerlinNot in years.

MaxIt is. I went three times in the last couple weeks because I just needed shit, and I was like, fuck, I'm just going to go. And the checkout process is in.

MerlinBecause you get the offer of insurance.

MaxThat kind of stuff. Insane. Insane. So you go up, and before they start ringing you up, can I get you a Best Buy credit card? Do you want the insurance on it? Do you want this? Do you want that? And you're like, no, no, no. Then they begin. Now. End of. Now that initiates the checkout process. begin checkout process now you're interfacing with the computer and it's like zip code email all this information then all of a sudden it's like do you want the best buy credit card you're like no and then another screen pops up and it's like wait before you say no here's the benefits features and benefits of the best buy credit card and you're like still no and they're like that's

that's just that's pure dystopia and then like a screen pops up and it's like choose your insurance plan and you have to like search you have to like scan it like it's a puzzle for the like no insurance plan option.

It's dark patterns all the way down. It's terrible. So what do you do? But all the time, like any time I go to a store, every retail store wants your email address. They always ask for it just as like a matter of procedure. What do you guys say?

Speaker ATom, you don't have email. That's what I say. For like 20 years, my mom has just gone, no thanks. That's it? And it really throws people.

MaxThey say, oh, can I get your email address? And she just goes, no thanks. Yep.

AlexOh, that's lovely.

MaxThat's kind of ingenious.

AlexOh, my gosh.

MaxI do Merlin's thing. I say, oh, I don't have email. Yeah. And a lot of times I'm on my phone. A lot of times, or sometimes the other thing is sometimes they'll say, can I get your phone number? And I'm on my phone texting while they say that.

AlexOh, I say it's an iPod.

MaxAnd then I say, oh, I don't have a phone.

MerlinI think the no thanks thing is really good. When I go to the Walgreens four or five times a day, if it's just a very small amount, and I'm paying with cash like a person, and I know I'm not going to benefit from any discounts when they say, you know, your phone number, you just say no thanks. That's what you gotta do.

AlexThank you for bringing civility, Zach.

MerlinThank my mom. Because I don't think the people who are charged with doing that take any particular joy in asking.

AlexOh, actually, now I have an idea because I do need to go to a store and have my phone repaired. I'm gonna give them my mom's email address because she's responsible for this incident.

MaxOne time, my dad signed up for some sort of political list or something in my name and that person's, like, in my normal email address and not some sort of crazy alias. And it's just, it's like, I'm still paying for it. I'm still paying for it. I probably, my email, probably.

MerlinTry giving money to Hillary Clinton. Holy shit.

MaxWell, just don't use your real email address.

MerlinOh, but you give some money, you give some money to a liberal cause and goodness gracious me, it's like 80% of the hard copy mail that we get. It's like, there's a crisis going on.

MaxGod forbid, move on. God forbid Move On ever gets your email address. Pretty grim.

MerlinWhat are you going to do? No, no. You've gotten counseled on this. Going forward, what's your response going to be?

MaxI think I'll just say no thanks. That's actually pretty good. Is that what you do, Zach? Yep. You say no thanks? You could Seinfeld them and ask them for their email.

MerlinWhat's your email address? You know, he's zag on them. It's been a good transaction. Let's keep in touch. Yeah. In case I have some questions later. Oh, no.

AlexCan I take a picture? you just say to the person horrified or and sad are you or enthusiastic are you hitting on me or

Maxare you hitting on me oh you know what i should say is like my email address is contact at best

Alexbuy.com i sometimes like it's it's very different because just just give me your phone i'll type it

Maxin for you i know it really i mean this is all funny but it does feel like these people are they have to do it. They're on Death's Door. These are not happy people behind the counter at the Best Buy.

MerlinDitto at Barnes & Noble. We've got a local bookstore that we go to probably every 10 days or so. But at Barnes & Noble, it's the same Death March. Not as bad as what you're describing, but still pretty bad. They really want you to get that card. They really want you to get the membership card. It's like, I do not prefer that. I will not have this in my wallet. This will corrupt my wallet if I get a card from every place where I ever spend money. But you're right. Death's Door is a good way to put

MaxThe other funny sign of the imminent decline of all of these stores and how badly they're doing is like, so Alex, you go to the Best Buy and Armitage by the office?

AlexWhen required or in a hot panic and need a new iPhone case.

MaxI'm very familiar with that store. And okay, two things about that store. Number one, there's some sort of like Hogwarts style spell happening in that store where it's like a curse. That store has been like cursed by like a dark wizard where when you go in and you just want to get to the place where you're like I just need to get to the speaker section to get the speaker cable 800 people come up to you and they're like can I help you can I help you can I help you what do you need do you want you looking for dvds you want to buy a phone what do you want what do you want what do you want I got it they're all like there's a thousand there's a thousand

carnival barkers and I'm going in there at prime time baby 5 30 o'clock at night when everyone is off work and they're all stopping at the best buy but the store there's your crickets and I walk in and 900 people descend on me and they're like can I show you this thing you want to learn about this they're like do you want uh smart home devices what do you want we got it then and i'm like no no leave me alone i'm just going to speakers and then i walk over to the audio section and i'm holding and then eventually it comes down to i'm holding two spools of speaker cable in my hands and i'm like i don't know which one i need and then i'm looking around and i'm like yes please help me i need someone and they're all gone it's a curse i'm telling you it's like some sort of

it's like some sort of voldemort magic is happening where the fuck do they go well that's that's when I need the help is when I'm stumbling around holding two different things in my hand.

AlexBecause they don't actually know the answer. They can tell you where the Alexa is. But I go in and I'm like, oh, do you have any A to B cables? And they're like, you know, USB A to B. And they're like, ah, ah, ah.

MaxAlex, you roll into that Best Buy like Ron Swanson. You're like, they're like, can I help you? And you're like, I know more than you, son. Please and thank you. But the other, okay, here's the other thing with that Best Buy that's a sign of how badly they're doing is when you do, then when you do go to checkout, it used to be that you would, the experience was you would walk up to the checkout counter. Now what they've done is they've taken boxes of televisions. Okay, so picture how big a TV box is, right? They have boxes of TVs and store displays and piles of things, like piles of PlayStations.

And they've built a little maze so that you can't go to the checkout counter. You have to actually walk through, you have to slalom through this little maze. and they have like piles of stuff for you to pick up. Like, oh, maybe I'll just get a drone or a video doorbell. Like, they're just like, they like won't let you get to the checkout counter. It's like the final, it always feels like-

MerlinYou have to run a retail gauntlet.

MaxYeah, it feels, it's like the hedge maze from the- Shining? Sure, I was going to say from the fourth Harry Potter book with the Triwizard Tournament. Read another movie. Yeah. all right what was the that would have been a good place to end but what was the challenge

Alexoh merlin can you tell us what the challenge was this week

Merlinchallenge this week the challenge falls to me and my challenge is to ride a scoot scoot so specifics of the challenge yes you there oh please go on you are you were to uh now see here's the thing i had to i had to uh french this up a little bit to make sure it was something that would make sense to our listeners in the event they decided to do it so you were to acquire or borrow a self-balancing scooter preferably a fancy segue and the challenge to you specifically if available please try to ride it for at least a mile uh to get it out of beginner mode uh and

And then I want you to be prepared to discuss your experience. And if you found it useful, what might you find it useful for? Most importantly, after time writing it, please discover and share the name that you are giving to your Scoot Scoot friend.

MaxOkay. So, first of all, origin story of this challenge, you bought us a little segue and you drive it to work. And we've been making fun of you pretty mercilessly on the podcast. And you were like, well, maybe you should try one. It's pretty fun. That's sort of where we're coming from on the challenge.

MerlinThe general idea was, and the joke became, not joke, but I was saying, like, expensive. Like, take a ticket out of our shared money. I think you guys would enjoy this.

MaxOkay, so Alex and I both got the Scoot Scoot. I got mine, I think, a day or two before Alex. Let's see. So I bought the – what did we get, Alex? We got the same one.

AlexThe Mini Plus Pro.

MaxThe Segway Mini Plus Pro. So this is – I believe this was made by a different startup. I think that this is a product that was originally made by a different startup, and Segway acquired them.

MerlinOh, interesting.

MaxI think. I mean, because that –

MerlinBut just to clarify for people who haven't seen one of these, We're not talking about one of those hoverboards that blows up in a shower of sparks. No, no, no.

MaxBut we're also not talking about one of those normal segues like a police officer rides through a park.

MerlinYeah, the one that Jobe rides around.

MaxYeah, it's not a Jobe. Exactly. So what it is, it's kind of like a hoverboard, but it has big segway wheels on it. And it has a little mini bar that comes up to about knee height. And you steer it by sort of pushing on that knee bar. and it's self-balancing like I said. So I've also ridden the little hoverboards that Vine stars and rappers ride around that explode and those are not stable and you cannot go fast on them and they feel, if you're an adult, they feel pretty bad and chintzy.

This is not that. It feels solid, like a step.

MerlinYeah, it's just a step. You just step onto it.

MaxYeah, I told that to 30 people yesterday because we were taught everyone in the office how to ride it and I gave everyone your little speech. It's a step, just step on it. Don't try to balance. It's just a step. is useful to everybody? Every single person almost fell off the first time you got it.

MerlinYou know why? Because they're not treating it like a step. It's just a step. It's just a step. The problem is you're going like, oh, it's a step, but I need to go, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, when I get on. Don't go, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Just get on it. It's just a step.

MaxWith the Mini Plus Pro, there was a surprising amount. I didn't read a single piece of paperwork or instruction that came with it. I just stubbornly figured it out on my own. But there was a lot of assembly that you had to do. Did you find that, Alex? You had to connect the little cords and put the little bit build the little stem that comes on it i still have one extra cord i do too that's a that's for the camera this thing so this thing has like a secondary use have any of this okay so so the smart pro mini boy has the fat boy has a uh the little man the

fat boy it's got a camera mount and you can use some people use it as like a moving like a gimbal for your camera.

MerlinOh, I don't have that at all.

MaxSo that cord, I believe that cord is important if you use it like a gimbal for a camera.

Speaker AThat's what the remote control is for.

Speaker BOh, the plot thickens. Oh my God.

MaxYeah, so this thing has like a secondary use as like expensive camera equipment.

Speaker BOh, that's what that icon is.

MerlinMine was just you, mine was you like you take it out and you have to screw in the steering stem, but that was, that's the only thing I had on mine.

MaxThere was a little more assembly than that on ours.

MerlinOkay.

Speaker AMakes a lot of noises for camera equipment.

MaxThere's an app, and I haven't really played with this, but I hope that you can turn the noises off in the app because they're extremely not helpful.

MerlinThis is so different from mine. I'm so interested in this.

AlexDoes yours not make any noise?

MerlinNo, just the delicious sound of wheeling down the street at 10 miles per hour. No. I think yours is fancier. I think yours is fancier than mine.

MaxWell, first of all, ours goes faster than 10 miles an hour.

MerlinYeah, yours goes like 14. Is that right? Yeah. That's so cool. I wish I could get that out of mine. My beeps at me want to try to get too fast.

AlexWell, so does ours. Zach, do you want to talk about your experience of riding these little scoot-scoots?

MaxNow, you have a real skateboard. You're a longboard or skateboard? Both. You do both. Okay. And you just ride a skateboard around New York? Yeah. Okay.

Speaker AYeah, if I need to get somewhere quickly. I like walking. I'd rather walk, but I can skateboard.

MaxOkay. So you have actual skills. Well...

Speaker AYou can balance on stuff. Technically, yeah. But skateboard, I mean, to balance on a skateboard is really like a 10-minute learning curve.

MaxIt seems very scary, but it's not. No, it is not. No, it's hard. To balance on a skateboard and kicking and learning how to stop and learning how to fall off it is hard.

Speaker ALearning how to stop and fall is hard. It's hard. But the other stuff is not as bad as you would think. I think people get on a skateboard and they think that it's just going to go right out from under them. And that feeling goes away very quickly.

MaxHave you tried, so I'm comfortable on a longboard, but have you ever tried one of those little skateboards that the kids have?

Speaker AYeah, that's what I ride around. I have a shortboard. It's like a little shorter than like a standard skateboard, but it has big wheels. Not a shortboard.

MaxI'm talking about the little ones.

Speaker AOh, like a foot?

MaxYeah.

Speaker ANo, that sounds a little much.

MaxJust like a large skate?

Speaker ALike a Healy? Like a shoe?

MaxAlmost. Yeah, basically. But they're like real small. They're like definitely the coolest thing. Or they were a year ago or whatever. They're like, I see kids, I see people wearing them all over Chicago.

Speaker AThat seems crazy.

MaxBut it goes in your backpack.

Speaker ARight. Yeah, that makes sense. Yeah, so, but I could not get up on one of those.

MaxLike, I couldn't do it. I couldn't kick and balance on it. Like, I just didn't have it. Challenge. Next. Dugga, dugga, dugga. Oh, no. The head injury challenge.

AlexBreak your clavicle. I still haven't bought a helmet. I really need to.

MaxSo, okay, so yeah, so you learned it yesterday. What was it? What was it? But you also have skills. What was that like?

Speaker AWell, I didn't, I don't agree with the step thing, but my story was even worse for people. which relates to surfing. If you've surfed, the way that you get up on it is the same way that you get up on a surfboard, which is you just have to do it, and then it's done, and then you balance. You don't try to balance while you're getting on it. But that didn't help anybody.

It turns out nobody's ridden a fucking surfboard.

MerlinI just did not find this difficult at all. I mean, I wonder if this model is different. See, when I say it's just a step, what I'm really saying is your mind is telling you, and you've certainly seen this with skateboards or bronco bulls or anything like that. It's like when you get on, your natural inclination is to overcompensate to balance. And the thing is the thing does the balancing for you. What I'm really trying to say is don't act like you've got to go whoa, whoa, whoa to get on there. You just need to be fucking calm and let it do the work. Right.

MaxNow that I'm comfortable with it, I know exactly what you're talking about, which is your mind is telling you that you're getting on a board on two wheels and that it cues a certain muscle memory in your legs of like, this thing's going to be real unstable. So when you get on it, immediately try and crack.

MerlinSo like start rocking back and forth and waving your arms like a deranged chicken.

Speaker ABut you do, I mean, when you're on it, you do have to balance a little bit or at least you need to like have control over your own sort of like lean.

MerlinYou've got to be aware of your body, yeah.

Speaker AAnd I think that like for me, the thing that was weird about it, at least the model that was here, is that if you put weight on it, you're not going to. Like if you have half your weight on it and half your weight off of it, you're not going to balance correctly on it. It's just impossible. And so you really just have to like get on it. And then once you're on it, it's not hard.

MerlinAnd the frustrating part, the scary part is, and I think, you know, I don't know how you get around this, but you realize how not actually smart the thing is in those situations. The way I would put it in my head is it's trying to interpret, is somebody on this or not on this? And while it thinks there's somebody still on it, it does crazy stuff. and run into a wall and bounce around and do all this stuff before it realizes. And that's the part that I think is kind of scary.

Speaker BIt's adorable when that happens.

MaxMy other notes on it are, it's very fun to ride. I mean, once you get, I mean, well, so here's the pros, the biggest pro and the biggest con to me. Biggest pro is it feels really good to ride. It actually feels so good to ride that you don't consciously have to think about it. You can just-

MerlinNo, not at all. It's almost meditative.

MaxYeah, you can just sort of think to yourself, I want to go over there, and it just kind of goes. It feels almost psychic. Yes! As long as you're going forward.

AlexNo.

MaxI nailed the backwards after two minutes of practice. Yes, yeah.

MerlinGoing backwards, it's like, have you ever had to back up a car with something you're towing? And the thing is, unless you really know the tricks, you will always turn the wrong way, because your brain is telling you the wrong thing. You've got to put your hand on the bottom of the wheel, and there's this whole technique for doing that. And just so you know, you can also turn off the ability to go backwards for more than just a little bit. But you're right. My main problem is when I'm wheeling it by hand, and I've had this thing for months, and I still always go the wrong way when I make it go backwards. And it goes, whoa, whoa, whoa, off in another direction.

It's really counterintuitive.

Speaker AThat's why I kind of feel like if it's a smart thing, it should just do it the other way. Why do they default to behaving like a car?

MaxAgain, there is a... you know what they should do is when you get on you have to use the app i'm the smart mini pro boy you when you do it the first time you have to have the app on and the app has a tutorial that it teaches you they should fucking do the halo thing where they're like back up and go left and then whatever you do they just set it to that yeah that's what i mean but i mean i think like

Speaker Anaturally i don't i don't think there are that many people who are going to assume that the way

Maxthat this thing goes is you know what it works for me it works perfectly for me i have no problems with it but I do think if there's not an option in the there probably is an option in the in the app to be like reverse the the backwards and if there's not they should add that because I'm sure that half probably about half like half of people invert x-axis right so the upsetting part is that

Merlinwhen it becomes so natural if you were to choose to ride this for a period of time it becomes very natural to use and in my case I just wheel around the corner and just like ride into my office and it's and it's real easy but there are sometimes when i'm caught kind of abruptly and you have to do a move where you have to stop and have you guys tried just rocking back and forth yeah it's like it's so it's so fun but there becomes times when you're like oh i need to move to give a wide berth to somebody going by and you maybe panic a little bit and go the wrong way and then you overcompensate and pretty soon you're like that old person who's hit the accelerator instead of the brake

that's the times that i really feel like oh this is i'm on a machine that i need to remember yeah

Maxlearning well okay so anyway main pro a number one it feels really good really really good when

Merlinyou're on it extra double super credit from this just can can we it's probably is it more fun than

Maxyou expected oh it's way more fun than i expected it's way more intuitive i mean the electric skateboard you are paying attention i mean i love that thing and i think it's i think the electric skateboard might be more fun to ride because it's like uh you're you're like doing it when you're riding it but this is easy to ride it's it's peaceful it's just like you're just you don't not even doing anything you're just you're just like think and boom it's like that some people

Merlinmake that distinction of riding versus driving yeah you don't you don't drive a rocket you ride it like in this case this is more something that you're riding where it sounds like that skateboard

Maxis something that you're driving oh you are driving it you're looking for if there's a fucking pebble if there's a yeah if there's a pebble in the road or a bump it's like you better know that that's coming up and and do adjust your body you're constantly adjusting your body weight that's like even the electric skateboard which is like the lazy man they very lazy man skateboard you i if i ride it a lot in one day like the next day my like core and legs are sore because you're

Merlindoing a lot of right with this you mainly i found that you mainly just have to it's hard to describe you mainly just have to keep your knees not locked yeah like you're not you're not don't crouch but You've got to keep your knees loose. Between your knees being loose and the natural mechanics of this thing.

MaxThat's the key to balancing on anything ever.

MerlinI think you're probably right. I haven't tried to do curbs on this thing, but I have no intention of doing that. You can roll over grass and dirt.

MaxI can't get up on a surfboard, but a surf term that I like is the idea of hang loose, which means don't have your body weight.

MerlinSee, I like the phrase shock a bra.

MaxI mean, that really encompasses the Hakuna Matata and surfdom. It's like don't have your body be rigid when you try and do it. You have to have your body be fluid so that you're—

MerlinAnd you've got to fight. You've got to fight. Your inclination is to tense up.

MaxYeah, right, right, right. I'm just relaying advice that's been given to me that didn't stick of how to get up on a surfboard, but I like the idea of it, and that's when you get into a flow state on a skateboard and you have a great ride and everything's working. it is kind of a loose like your body is just like your muscles are kind of slack and you're doing micro adjustments of your weight and stuff and like that's kind of how to balance on anything ever and also like if you're if you're ever on something and you're gonna fall like just let your just don't tense up just like that's the secret of like falling off a skateboard too which

is which is another important thing of like just know how to land so that it's like loose and you roll if you're like if you're like rigid you're gonna break your arm i really i kind of feel like

Speaker Aeveryone should learn how to fall off a skateboard it's such a good skill it comes in handy all the

Maxtime like i just like urban aikido the other day yes it's helpful the other day i just like slipped on the ice and like i had like muscle memory from falling off a skateboard so that i managed to fall in a way where i didn't get hurt but like yeah people like break their shoulders

Alexand shit doing that zach did you teach max how to fall off a skateboard no no max has learned on

Maxi watch you i honestly i watch i watch youtube videos like so like when i got my when i got my longboard i was like okay i can ride this but i'm not it's not safe like i don't know how to do critical things like stop and uh or whatever and then i went online and it was like how to ride a skateboard and there's also really good videos of how to ride a skateboard in a city and everyone is like one of the main skills you have to learn is how to fall off and you and i just watched a lot of youtube videos and found a place with grass and you practice yeah i think it's less so more so

Speaker Afor actual skateboarding and less so for longboarding but like if you really skateboard you have to learn how to fall because that's what you spend all your time doing is like you're trying

MaxI've taken some bad spills on the longboard. One of them was I tried to ride across train tracks.

Why? Because I thought I could do it. It looked like a small bump. Have you ever gotten blood on your shoes from the fall? I was wearing a jacket, and the whole sleeve of the jacket ripped open, and I got a really bad skinned arm. That was the train tracks. and that was like on the that was the worst case scenario it was like gravel and like

Speaker Abroken glass and shit yeah i had a really bad fall in college and i fucked up my ankles and i got blood on my shoes and i remember just being like how do you get blood on your shoes this is

Maxcrazy that's kind of cool i'd be pretty proud of that i was totally i was like i was like that's

Speaker Anot cool i got blood on my shoes 900 cc's of adrenaline so i was like yes go inside yeah

MaxYeah, there's a lot going on in your head, not the least of which is sometimes your skateboard keeps going, and you're just like, fuck, I've got to get my board back. Yeah.

Speaker ASo actually, in general, I felt like the Segway was really fun to ride, but I felt really kind of, I don't know. Have you ever ridden like an actual scooter? Scooter. Like a Vespa?

MaxNo.

Speaker AOkay.

MerlinI found it very difficult to change gears.

Speaker ASo the thing about riding like a Vespa is you feel like you're riding a motorcycle, but you are riding a scooter. And so and that's how I felt with the with the Segway is like I felt like I was riding a skateboard. But in reality, I was standing perfectly vertically straight and like moving like a weird hovering wizard.

And so I don't know. So that was like, I kind of felt like, oh, I would rather stick to like a skateboard. But I was very impressed with the braking. Like I really think that whoever is designing electric skateboards could learn a lot from the way that it brakes is just so natural and like convenient. On the segue? Yeah.

MaxAnd the way that you brake on a skateboard. Yeah, because it uses your body's natural. Yeah. It's like when you're going and the wall's coming, your body automatically starts going like, up, up, up, up, up, up. Don't want that to happen.

MerlinYou just lean back a little bit and it interprets that as we slow down.

Speaker AIt's so good. And that I'm more interested in than interpreting my body to go forward. Like I think deciding to go forward and making actions to go forward is easy. But like stopping on a skateboard is such a nightmare. Mostly you just leap off of it and it careens into traffic. Or you like drag your foot on the ground and fuck up your shoes. It's like a terrible, it's a terrible design. They're not designed to stop at all. Yeah.

MaxYeah. I mean, the longboard is a little easier because I feel like you can catch the back of, you can jump off and catch the back of it. It's kind of cool. And then like run. Yeah, that's kind of the coolest trick. But on the electric one, you just basically, you have the... Right, so those have a break, right? Well, yeah, you just go backwards. It is the same as the Segway, right? So you start to slow down, and then you go hard back, and it just stops. Yeah, it's pretty cool. Anyway.

AlexWhat did you name yours, Max?

MaxOh, I didn't name it. I didn't know that was part of the challenge. I'll probably call it the Scoot Scoot.

AlexNo, they're all Scoot Scoots.

MerlinAlex don't peanut butter me drop some science tell me how this went for you

Alexthis is my favorite challenge of all time it's up there and I writing

Merlinthis oh my god I had not anticipated

Alexthat writing this thing there was a moment last night where I was like is this the happiest I've been in 2018 oh my god yes I'm so glad you feel

Speaker Bthat way it's utterly blissful

Merlinbut do you feel that delta between people asking you oh god that sounds so dorky and you're like yeah it is dorky it is but it's so fucking stupid.

MaxYou don't care how dorky it is. I love it. I actually didn't get to this, which is the main downside, which is you look awful riding this. You look terrible riding this. I actually don't. So I have not ridden it outside of my house because, well, the weather's been bad, but also you can't take it out in the rain, can you?

MerlinI think.

MaxYou definitely cannot take an electric skateboard while it's actively raining. Could you ride it through a puddle?

MerlinI think they advise against that, But I'm not here to advise anybody to do dangerous things. But once you're comfortable with this thing, it's more rugged than it looks.

Speaker AYou just got to get that Best Buy warranty. You don't want to get the insurance on that.

MaxYou look awful riding this.

MerlinYou know what, though? I mean, it used to be if somebody drove an automobile down the road. I mean, there's so much hilarious documentation about this. People would literally line up to laugh at people driving cars. That's how it works. I mean it was that whole like idea of like get a horse this may have been

Maxbut when was this in 1857 or whatever

Merlinwell this is the 1857 of Segway

Maxbut I'm just saying like in 1857 I wouldn't have driven a car either well they couldn't because I wouldn't want people to laugh at me Twitter in 1857

Merlinno it's it is it's funny though because I mean like you can feel feel me on like what I was saying

Maxlet me say something about this okay I'm about to pop off on one of my patented rants here

Speaker Bdo you want to mess

MaxYou know what I like about these very nerdy convention guys? I want to show you my Funko Pop collection. That guy, right? That guy is... One of their big talking points that you'll see on forums or that they'll post on Twitter, you'll hear at conventions or whatever when they're in line to uptake a shit and they're talking about the politics of the day, the issues of the day in the forum. What they'll say is, oh, I was born in the wrong time. I should have been born in medieval times. I would have been a knight.

And like, you wouldn't have been a knight. You would have been a big fat guy who collected dolls. And like, probably the knights would have bullied you.

Do you know what I'm saying? Yeah. Yeah. Like, or like, if you were in Star Trek, or people want to be like, I wish I was alive in Star Trek days and I could be a commander on the starship. But it's like, you're not going to be a commander on the starship. you'd be at best you'd be a janitor on the starship wait where was this going all i'm saying is if if any of us were alive if what all i'm saying is if you were alive in 1857 you'd be you'd be doing the same shit that you do now which is it would be worse i would absolutely

be you would have already died in childbirth yeah but uh there's no lesbian uh challenge coin in Yeah, yeah. No, no.

Speaker BI burned at the stake already.

MaxBut all I'm saying is like...

MerlinYeah, it's the witchcraft challenge point.

MaxIf people would have laughed at you for driving a car in 1857, I wouldn't have driven a car. I don't want to be laughed at. I don't want to be laughed at in 1957. I don't want to be laughed at in Star Trek. I don't want to be laughed at now. That's why you ride that cool skateboard.

AlexThe skateboard is legitimately cool. Skateboards are cool.

Speaker BIt's definitely very cool. Very, very cool.

MaxIt's cool.

Speaker BDo you do tricks?

MaxNo. Zach, help me out here. Riding a longboard is cool.

Speaker AYeah, it is cool.

MaxNot to other skateboarders. You're basically like pollution to other skateboarders. Skateboarders hate longboarders. But to everyone else, you look cool.

Speaker AI think it's skateboarding, longboarding, electric longboarding. And also everybody looks cool. Oh, you're the bottom of the food chain.

MaxBut still, you're still skateboarding. No, no. Here's the thing. People who skateboard have utter disdain for you if you ride an electric longboard. Like they couldn't think that you're the worst person. but that but that being said that's a tiny but the most people if i'm ride this thing down the bloomingdale trail and i'm going to work most people are like that's a cool guy on a skateboard like the public does not gape with their mouths open how do you get out of the shire i think i

Speaker Athink it's just i think it's like there's like a uh the the pose and the way that it that you have to interact with it it's just it's like a cooler thing it's hard it's hard to look uncool on a skateboard, I think.

Speaker BHmm. I would, I...

MerlinYou guys are sniffing your farts so hard right now. You guys look so dorky on a skateboard. Well, no, I think I also like...

AlexZach can skateboard skateboard, though. Oh, sorry.

MerlinSorry, bro.

AlexFreesh. I will say that I don't... There's something about this stupid thing that it's just such a delight. And part of your challenge, I believe, was to think about what we would use it for. And there's a grocery store a half mile away from my house, which is like normally- Perfect amount. Yeah, it's like perfect walking distance if you want to go get a thing or go do a thing. But if you want to have groceries, it's just like, oh, that's a lot. But it's also the half mile

Merlinis definitely in the hesitation zone. Yeah. Where if it was two blocks away, you'd go there in your PJs. Exactly. Half a mile is like the hesitation zone.

MaxAlex, would you ride this? Are you going to ride this scoot scoot to work?

Alexactually I'm trying to figure out a safer like a safe route

MaxI don't think you can go down Ashland on this

Alexno you can't go down Ashland but there are like other ways like I could do like diversity and like no no no no no no

Maxdiversity is diversity does not have a protected bike lane

Alexwell that's the thing though I need to do sidewalks because Savannah was like a biker's gonna kill you

Maxno no no no no no no no listen you can't ride this thing on the sidewalk It is dangerous to ride this on the sidewalk. You have to ride it in the bike lane. This is more like a skateboard. You cannot ride something with wheels on a sidewalk.

It's not safe. You'll see what I mean when you try it. You'll see what I mean when you try it.

MerlinI ride exclusively on sidewalks.

MaxYou do?

MerlinYeah.

Speaker BI live at the sunset.

Speaker AI have some skateboard wheel recommendations for you later, man.

MaxReally? Oh, man. Do you know how to adjust the trucks on a skateboard? Yeah. I tried to do it and I made it worse

Speaker Ayou get a hex wrench

Maxokay just a hex wrench yeah I can help you with that there's a thing on the on the reddit

Speaker Aare your wheels hitting your board is that are you getting

Maxum no they're just a little they're a little loosey-goosey so I loosened them because I wanted a better turning radius and I overdid it and there's also some horror stories on what's the board that I have Alex the boosted board yeah there's a thing on the reddit boosted board of they're like all these people who are like posting a picture from a hospital bed and they're like yeah the trucks came off my boosted board pretty cool you should also

Merlinmake sure you also all the warp the kick flint.

MaxIf you only warp

Merlinthe kick flint, you're going to get a lot more brustic in your incline. Yeah. Let me walk you through our Donnelly nuts. Yeah, the thing

Maxis that we bolster 12 hex nets to

Merlinthe...

MaxUsing a field of half-seized sprats and brass-fitted nickel slits, our bracketed caps and splay-fixed brace columns vent dampers to dampening hatch depths of one-half meter from the damper crown to the spur of plinth. How, you may ask? Well, we bolter 12 husknuts to each jerrygirdle, which flex tandems, press a task apparatus of 10 vertically composited patch hamplers, then pin flam-fastened pan traps at both maiden apexes of the gym joints. You know, just a little something like that, Merlin.

MerlinYeah, the one with the girl's name.

MaxAll right, we're probably good.

Thank you.

Show notes

Transcript

61. I Feel Like a Poor

Show notes

Transcript

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