60. A Tumbleweed of Pubes and Dust

AlexThis is Do By Friday, a weekly challenge podcast with Merlin Mann, Alex Cox and Max Temkin. This week's challenge, pimp your sleep.

MaxThis part of the podcast is so awkward because we're just sitting here across from each other, but I don't want to say anything to you because it's like Merlin's going to join. like it's not you know i mean it's like i don't want to be like hey are you feeling better because that might be funny and then you want that on the show so i'm just sitting here silently like you

Alexdon't exist it's weird it's really awkward that's how every single podcast i do and i i don't look into people's eyes i don't it just doesn't happen i think merlin's here i can't even i can't even imagine it oh no it's awful i merlin have i ever actually looked you in the eye ever in life i doubt

Merlinyeah i highly highly doubt it yeah you were a little googly eyed that time we got you in a car

Alexoh that was a good night that was a good you've looked at me we've had nice conversations why would you say something like that oh no i i'm just bad at uh looking people in the eye um someone once described it described it as uh did someone have a conversation with you about how you should look people in the eye.

MaxYeah, that's definitely a conversation I've had. I mean, no reason. It's the same reason that I find model train videos on YouTube just incredibly compelling. I mean, not any particular reason. It could be anything. But you wouldn't want to have to look

Merlinthe conductor in the eye the whole time. No, no. Is that H.O. Scales?

MaxNo, it's when you guys were both in the men's bathroom and you were using the urinal next to each other and you made eye contact and Merlin said,

Speaker AAlex, are you a McMillan man?

Maxoh man yeah I think I'm remembering that

Merlinabsolutely it's what is it it feels you don't like looking people in the eye what what's the feeling that you feel when you're realizing you're not looking someone in the eye

AlexI don't see this is what I

Merlindo this is the thing I'm doing a thing with you that I try to do with my daughter which is to not just go like why don't you look people in the eye instead I try to say things like how did it feel in the dream when the lobster was eating you like how did you feel about that instead of going lobster that's weird encourage the person to talk about it

Alexhow did you feel

Merlinwhen the lobster was eating you

Alexyou know what well I'm not into lobsters so they typically don't do that in my dreams we're just friends

Merlinwell you don't get You don't get to choose what turns you on or what you dream about. That's the truth. Ever thus the pity. Do you feel, is it too intimate?

AlexIt's just weird. It's just weird.

MerlinLooking at someone in the eyes.

AlexYep. It's just weird.

MerlinCan I, okay, you want some pro tips? Yep.

AlexSure. Sure.

MerlinI can give you a lot of pro tips for getting around in life as somebody who's a closet introvert. One is, and this is really good for people, especially who have weird eyes. Pick an eye.

AlexOh yeah. I actually pick the bridge of the nose. And I think that I get away with that often.

MerlinYeah. I got other tips, you know. I got really good tips for walking. You should ask me about my walking tips. I have really good walking tips.

MaxI find it very distracting to make eye contact with people. Like, if I'm looking into someone's eyes, I can barely focus on what they're saying or what I need to say in the conversation. So, like, the more intense or serious the conversation and the more it requires me to think. You seem too real. I just can't do it. I just start my eyes just start drifting back.

MerlinOkay. Okay. When you're realizing that you're feeling that discomfort and you don't want to look them in the eyes because it's taking off your game about what you're thinking about saying next. What do you do? Do you look at something else? Do you pretend you're like, do you feign a stroke? Like what do you do?

MaxWell, I usually I'll like look behind them in my eyes. My eyes dart around like there's like a fly flying around behind them.

MerlinYeah. Yeah. I mean, it's funny. I feel like I'm sort of in the middle ground. I mean, it seems a little bit silly to say that, oh, you know, you're a generation raised looking at a screen because I'm a generation raised looking at a screen. I don't mind eye contact, but I must tell you, I even have acquaintances who look too much in your eyes. Yes. And the expression, if somebody has too much, even like too intense of a neutral look while they're looking at you, it looks like they think you're a hot dog or a pork chop like in a Warner Brothers cartoon.

Or or or they're smiling while they look too much in your eyes I think it's an elf. Is that an alpha move? I bet that's an alpha move

Maxdoesn't ever freak you out when you're looking at someone in the eyes you're talking to them and you you because you you Fixate on like what a whole person they are and that they have their own Whole the judgment of you and that this conversation is playing out completely differently in their head and they're gonna remember it differently and like

MerlinThey're judging everything you've ever said everything you've ever said is so stupid. Why am I talking? Why am I? I mean, it doesn't don't you isn't it overwhelming? It can be. It can be. You know, it really does vary a lot from person to person. I mean, maybe an overused term is warmth. I would like to think I'm a relatively warm person. Like, you know, I like meeting people. I like talking to people. I am extroverted to a point.

MaxYou're a person who very precisely monitors their humidity. Yeah.

AlexSo for a second, I thought when you were like, I'm a very warm person, I thought you actually meant your body temperature. And I'm like, how does this pertain? You worry that you're standing close.

Speaker APlain clarify the terms for Alex Bot. It's going to be a loopy Alex Bot.

MaxRight click, find synonym. We celebrate the risk takers, the idea makers, the ones who determine their own fate. We celebrate entrepreneurs.

Speaker AThis is Shark Tank, and tonight, the American dream continues. Bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum. accessing human thesaurus i mean thesaurus can you believe that the dog lady got a deal

Merlinthe dog costume i didn't see that one yet don't spoil for me oh my goodness my daughter insists that i've watched the two new shark tanks and i don't remember seeing them who is the dog lady the panda costume i think i didn't see this you would remember it if you saw

Maxlast one i remember is the two that included the watermelon shorts i i've been i my shows so so boy how do I talk about this I have a system wherein shows that I want to watch appear on my hard drive as they come out

Merlinboy what you really don't

Maxknow how to do this in a timely fashion and then I watch them and it's weird because it's brought me back from like years of you know like I don't have cable or anything and so I went for years without ever watching any contemporary television because I didn't have cable so I just watch like old episodes of Seinfeld or whatever like I was living in in 1994 and now I feel like I'm like back on the train of contemporary TV but the only two shows that are coming out right now that are like on TV and I'm getting new episodes of are The Bachelor and Shark Tank and I feel like

I feel like every night I go home and it's like just smashing my head with a hammer like I'm like I'm like lowering my IQ it's that and then and then looking at the watching the president's

Merlindoctor lie about his height and weight 239 oh come on this is the this is the like this this this is the conspiracy i i second least want to get into i don't i the one i most i don't want to think about what he's like quote unquote down there that is a thing i need to move aside from

Maxmy mind totally normal he's got all the normal stuff that everyone has you know all the parts I'm gonna say a little pigtail they're big okay all the normal stuff that people have and guess what it works just like tremendous it works just like you know in the way that it's supposed to work that all people's work but better yeah right well and it's nice

Merlinthat he's not obese he's right below obese so he definitely is not gonna have that thing where he's just pure gunt and you're not even gonna see his unit it's gonna be almost like he has an Audi like it's gonna be that level of barely there but you know People are posting the photos of the previous president and him standing next to each other with their wives. And Obama, who's a pretty solid 6'1", looks about the same size or a little bit taller. And no way! That guy is 260 if he's a pound.

I'm just telling you. And he's getting broad. I mean, no, I'm not here to trump shame. But come on. Have you seen how much bigger he's getting? He's bulbous.

MaxThe thing I saw was that someone was like, you know, if they had reported his weight at one pound heavier, he would officially be obese.

MerlinThat's right.

MaxSo they basically worked backwards from we need to issue a medical report that doesn't show the president is obese.

MerlinYeah, they back solved from obese. Yeah.

MaxOnce I saw that, I became a – that's the moment that I became a girther.

MerlinHere's the thing, though, is that people are saying – like the Pod Save America guys who are all standing up to say, hey, look, no, wait a minute. This guy is a really good doctor. he took good care of us in the White House. He's a straight shooter. With that said, some of that stuff sounds pretty... Okay, I'm going to send you a photograph. I sent this to you once before. I'm going to send it to you again. Okay, look at that photograph. Yeah.

AlexIt just looks like if you put a pin in him, he'd pop. Like, fluid would start gushing from him.

MaxHe looks like the fucking Danny DeVito penguin. He's made of meat. He's just solid ground beef from the tips of his toes all the way up to his ears.

MerlinIt looks like somebody's pounded some veal for him, and he's carefully put it in layers in some kind of a man vest underneath. It looks like if you dropped him out of a window,

Maxhe would just splatter like a bag of milk.

MerlinYeah, it would just be like anal leakage. It would just be kind of like a pizza grease stain all over the sidewalk. I wish him well. I wish him well. I'm glad he's going to get some exercise. That's going to be good.

MaxHe looks like Slimer from Ghostbusters.

Speaker ABut you could see from that shape,

MaxMaybe would have an Audi at best the president suffers from a condition known as slimerism

MerlinLargely unknown etiology that causes you to look like the hot dog stuffing. Hmm. It's a lot like

Maxmultiple chemical sensitivity

MerlinOr like more jellins or leaky gut. Yeah, like one hit theory. It's one of those things is not very well described

MaxHe's got the he's got the he's sensitive to electricity like Like Better Call Saul's Brother.

MerlinOh, like one of those, like, I don't want Wi-Fi in the house, people? Yeah. I believe that I am personally acquainted with people. I know I am personally acquainted with people who are very close to people who have that thing. There is someone in my family who has some serious issues.

Serious issues. And that person does fret 24-7 about waves and beams. It's definitely a thing. She wants everything turned off and unplugged.

MaxMerlin, do you have the anxiety? Oh, I got a touch, yeah. Alex, you have the anxiety, right?

AlexOnly a bit, only a bit.

MaxIsn't it amazing? Have you guys ever had something where you're suffering from some extremely real to you malady? Like an example would be you're nauseous, your stomach hurts, you're dizzy, you have a headache. And you're just like, what is this? Did I eat some bad seafood? Am I getting the flu?

You go on WebMD and you're like, is it cancer? And you're just working backwards for everything. And then you realize like, oh, I'm very anxious right now. Like, this is purely an anxiety malady that I'm experiencing right now.

AlexI mean, yes, so much so that I was completely in denial that I had the flu. I was just like, no, I'm just really anxious. And it took Maddie taking me to the doctor to be like, no.

MaxNo, no, you have the flu. That's funny. But I don't know. I mean, anxiety and depression are, it's a hell of a thing. It's the worst. And I think a lot of these things of people's like, oh, I'm sensitive to the Wi-Fi rays. It is, you know, well, I mean, the Better Call Saul is probably a pretty good portrayal of that. Like, it's real to him.

MerlinWell, and the way I've tried to describe it to people, and yeah, I should probably get this dealt with. But the thing that's difficult to describe to people that are normal, and we talked about this recently on a recent Roddick on the line a little bit. But just to put a finer point on it, I think one difficulty is if you're an anxious person, somebody will say to you, well, what are you anxious about? And somebody being very helpful will say, like, well, you know, let me try and talk you down from that. Let's do a little bit of mini CBT. Like asking what you're sad about. No, thank you. But, well, yeah. Have you tried listening to classical music?

Yes, absolutely not. I mean, that's like it's a candy man or something. I'm not going to say it. It'll show up. If I talk about it, it'll definitely happen. But the main problem with being an anxious person is the what you are anxious about.

MaxHe's right outside the window wrapping his long fingers against the glass. Like, don't say his name.

Speaker AOh, no. Oh, no. Why? Don't turn around. That's how I get in. I get in when you turn around.

MerlinBut I don't know how to describe it. I don't even have a good analogy for it except to say that, like, the stuff that you are anxious about are really secondary. You will find something to be anxious about. The condition of anxiety is that almost anything will make you fretful and cause intrusive thoughts that you have trouble getting rid of. And if you're like me, I can take the smallest thing and run with it to use a great word. I can catastrophize almost anything in a way that I know is not rational. And then that makes you like be more procrastinating.

It makes you be more anxious. And that's the thing. Anxiety has a habit of chaining where you will make these. I find I will make these leaps from one incredibly innocuous thing that probably isn't there to like the worst possible thing that I can imagine. And then that's all I can think about for hours. You know, follow what I'm saying, though? I mean, somebody helpful will say, like I might say to my wife, oh, God, I'm feeling really anxious today. And she will very helpfully say, like, what are you anxious about? I'm like, well, I'm anxious about like 90 things. But the main problem is that I'm anxious. It's the anxiety is is not it does not require it isn't like a fire.

It does not require actual components of fuel. It's a thing that will start casting about for whatever can seem to be made real by my mind turning it from literally something that does not exist into something that is the end of my life.

MaxWhenever they have those huge California wildfires or like Northwest wildfires, there's always some story of like we authorities just learned the fire was started by two teenagers who like started a campfire, like lit a firework. you know they always trace it down to ground zero of like someone left a match in a garbage can by accident or something like that right it's like who fucking cares because the the underlying issue is that you had this like desiccated old forest with with no uh care given to it just sitting there waiting to go up like a tinderbox and like burn down an entire city but so it doesn't matter

it's like if it wasn't those kids with a firework it would have been some other kids with a firework

Merlinlike it's like right right it's it was all just waiting to happen well you know i feel like i remember my first compulsive anxiety that I can remember started in college and it's pretty novel. My first compulsive anxiety that I can remember was a morbid fear of accidentally closing a cat in a door. I didn't have a cat at the time, but I had a constant fear that if I let a door close on its own, a cat would try to run in and it would be crushed. Right. And I have still have things like this to this day. I've never deeply thought about that, but it could happen. Right, the thing is

You don't need a cat to have that Because a cat could appear

MaxCats are very bad at that Moment of judgment

MerlinWhere they're like, I think I could make that Right, like what are you, Harrison Ford? No, you're a fucking cat, get out of the door

AlexSpeak for your own cats, guys I don't, I mean

MaxSometimes I'm about to close the door And she's like She tries to go flying through it Like the Death Star And she's like, I think I can make that and she cannot make it. She flies into the walls like the TIE fighters.

MerlinThe other one, the one that I have to tell my daughter every morning, we have an old house and the various doors in our house, like if you have a door that's ajar, it will seek out some sort of a position very slowly. We have some doors that want to open on their own and we have like our front door wants to close on its own and every morning as I'm seeing my daughter off in the morning, I say, remember honey, the door wants to kill you. You must always be cognizant because what's going to happen is you're going to turn and think there's space. But there's going to be door. And it's going to be edge of door. She's going to grow up and marry a door.

And because of the nature of your binocular vision, you're not going to see it. You're going to break your nose. And then we're going to die and be in debt for health for the rest of your life.

MaxShe's going to grow up and marry a door. And you're going to have no one to blame but yourself. I love doors. I don't know. They just frighten and arouse me.

MerlinThis is what happens. She's going to get a fucking neck tattoo and marry a door.

MaxThe door is going to die. And she's going to eat its ashes very slowly. She'll be on some TV show.

Speaker AMeet Dory.

Merlinshe comes home from college with a small pickup truck with a door in it

Speaker Adad there's uh someone i'd like you to meet you're always trying to change me i was born like this

Merlinoh god then it's gonna be an atlantic piece about it oh my god there were doors all over

Speaker Athe house and he acted like it was normal but then when i brought one home that i finally loved it except in me he said this door wants to kill you.

MaxOh, you're saying there's going to be some sort of door cat person? Well, she'll be like a choir doors.

MerlinShe'll be a door hoarder. We have fun, don't we?

AlexDoug a dig. May I present my unsolicited list of celebrities that I would be afraid to meet.

MerlinFollow up. I would love to hear this.

AlexThank you. Thank you.

MerlinDo you want to hear? Can you, can you, without, without tooting my own outie, could you give a little context on how this occurred to you?

AlexWell, I believe I was listening to another program you do called Reconcilable Differences with a friend of, frenemy of the show, John Syracuse. Frenemy of the show. I don't know. That's perfect.

Speaker AYou're enjoying me wrong.

MerlinStop liking me.

AlexWell, all right. I've compiled a list. So we talked, hang on.

MerlinSo what we talked about was John has this fantasy that I get to meet all the celebrities and I don't deserve it. And there's people that he likes more, likes more than I do. People he's like weirdly obsessed with that I get to meet. And it's not like a huge deal. I meet him and they're nice and whatever. And now he gets all mad about it. And the truth is he's scared to meet anybody because he doesn't know what he would say to Bono.

AlexWell, and that's the thing. I realized that this list would have been a lot longer had I not met you, which is very strange. Come on.

MerlinReally?

AlexWell, yeah. It would be Merlin Mann, Jason Snell. Jason Snell's face was on the back of Backworld forever and ever. And that's the only magazine I read growing up.

But now I have a list of like, okay, here, if I had to meet these people. I was a little nervous to meet Jason Snell. Yeah. You know what? You're right, actually.

MerlinYeah.

AlexI was.

MerlinBut this is the kind of thing where like if somebody like you were at a hotel. This happened to me with Yellow Tango where I was at South by Southwest and the elevator doors opened. And technically we were waiting for an elevator next to each other, which was very awkward. But one of my all time favorite bands was suddenly there next to me. So like imagine it's a hotel lobby where there's an event going on, like a Comic Con type thing. You turn a corner and who is there that makes you shit yourself?

AlexOh, wait. Are you? Are you?

MerlinOh, I'm just trying to give you a context for like you walk around a corner and there's a person there that makes you go. Holy shit. And you might have to talk to them. Who is that person? Who freaks you out?

MaxMerlin, what's the best? What's your favorite Yolo Tango album?

MerlinOh, I can hear the heart beating is one. Correct.

MaxWhere's the bell?

MerlinAlex, do the bell.

Speaker AI don't have the bell.

MerlinI shouldn't be touching anything. Also, my introduction was the album Fake Book, which is not a good introduction to Yolo Tango as a thing. But that's the first album I heard. I love it dearly. But Heartbeating is One is, and I first heard it driving down One, the beautiful California highway that you can, when you think of California, you're thinking of One. That beautiful highway overlooking the Pacific. And I first heard that album. And so I imprinted on it really hard.

Speaker ABut he was really, Iroh was nice.

Speaker BBecause, of course, I was like, hey, you're from that band I like.

MaxThat's a good, that song, that bass line. That's a good driving montage song. It really is. What were we talking about?

MerlinSo Alex, Alex, you're at Comic-Con, and what? Alison Bechdel comes around the corner. Who's going to freak you out? Who is it? Give me some names.

AlexOh, okay.

MerlinAlison Bechdel. Alison Bechdel?

AlexYeah. uh actually yes um but masha masha guessing i don't know who that is okay you should check her out she's right in your wheelhouse oh okay all right um we we got oprah ellen tim cook john darneal you're so weird uh okay what would you what conversation could you have with oprah i well all right you know what i'm gonna extend my unsolicited list i would say oprah uh hey thank you you're the one who got me and my mom into the kindle ellen hey uh cool you i came my my mom

guessed that i was gay when we were watching your morning show hey haha that's funny uh tim cook oh yeah thanks for being gay again uh john durneil um hey i really like your new podcast thanks for doing that it it means a lot uh oh carrie fisher don't need to worry about that anymore oh wow too soon uh carrie fisher hey it's really cool that you came back as a ghost um want to talk about the medications brought.

How'd you do that without an umbrella? A spoon full of force power makes the medicine. Ryan Johnson, hey,

Speaker Aanti-bysigar stuff is cool, right?

AlexShonda Rhimes, I don't even fucking know. I'd be like, Shonda Rhimes, thank you for actually demanding money from the menu. I don't know. fucking Shonda Rhimes Oscar Isaac hey you're one of the few men where I bet your penis isn't ugly and then yeah I know Enne Obama I don't know Shonda Rhimes and Enne Obama I would run away thank you for listening to my unsolicited list the end

Merlinlet's see I bet I could come up with some more for you

Maxmusicians are a tough Merlin you're screwed here because musicians are a tough group of people to idolize because they're really disappointing personally most of the time. Don't you agree? Not as much as comedians, but yeah. Ooh, well, comedians, I've hung out with some comedians that I really, really like. Well, exception that proves the rule, you know? And they, no, no, no.

I mean, that I like them as stand-up, like, you know, like, I don't know, whatever. like because we do we do shows and festivals and stuff tons that are really nice i'm just saying

Merlinthat as a people but i'm saying i like i've met lots of comedians that i like as performers right

Maxand i meet and then i meet them in real life and they're like not in a quirky funny way but in a in a really sad desperate way they're like very upsetting people it's it's i mean one of them is

Merlinthat this kind of basic test of if you were seated next to this person on a plane how would it go and that could just be as simple as like they're just a normal person and they're not a weirdo but I would not want to be seated next to most comedians on a plane. They're very, a lot of them are very unpleasant, like serially unhappy, unfunny people. Yeah. Yeah. Musicians, writers.

I don't know. The other thing is that like, honestly, in this, in this day and age, uh, there are people, people are so much more attuned to the idea of like, people might recognize them because of social media or YouTube or whatever, that I think people are more prepared for the idea that they might be, you know, recognized by somebody and calibrate for that, I imagine.

MaxDon't you think? I get very nervous. There's different people who I have spent time in my life imagining dialogues with. So like writers that I've read a lot of or like a lot of philosophers or podcasters that I listen to. And I sort of imagine what it would be like to talk to them. And then I get really tripped up if I actually ever get to meet them. Because you're working against your own expectations of what the conversation would be like. And like, you know, the thing is, like, sometimes you imagine that you'd meet someone and you'd start talking about some like, I don't know, some like technical thing or like, you know, I don't know, having some sort of zippy dialogue like it's from one of their novels.

And like, that's not how life is. Right. You wind up talking about the weather or, you know, if you're at a convention, you talk about if you're tired and what food you ate. Like, it's a weird, it's weird. It's not how you imagine.

MerlinYeah, it's also an example of that, like, sort of disproportionate familiarity with somebody. Oh, that's so, that's brutal. Where one person is more familiar, you know, with the other. And if you feel awkward about it, you start having, you know, mouth diarrhea. You start saying all this stuff, you know, and you feel like, you know, kind of a jerk.

AlexI don't think I've ever shared this story, but it just popped into my head, you know. Well, maybe I'm catastrophizing this, but when I met Tiffany and Marco Arment for the first time, it was a fucking disaster. We were on the same plane going, I forget where it was, but we were on the same plane and they had a layover in Chicago. Tiff is so nice.

Speaker AShe could not be any nicer.

AlexOh, oh, I know. It wasn't them. Wasn't them. And I remember saying, oh, God, I was so, I believe, I said, hi, I really like your husband's work. what the fuck is wrong with me? And then I'm like,

Speaker Aand I like your Instagram. I like your, I like your pens.

AlexOh God. Tiff, I'm sorry. I know. I bet you remember this perfectly because then I remember we met later and she's like, oh yeah, you're the one who talked to us on the plane.

MaxYou had a whole conversation with Tiff Armand and you guys didn't pass the Bechdel test.

Speaker AOh God.

MerlinOh, and Allison Bechdel's over in the next seat just looking at you, shaking her head.

MaxJust nodding slowly.

MerlinIt's not that hard, girls. It's not that hard.

MaxFollow-up, CBS. A government watchdog is expressing concern over the dangerous misuse of the laundry detergent. In this latest social media fad, teenagers are putting detergent pods in their mouths in what's being called the, quote, Tide Pod Challenge. Ingredients in the pod include ethanol, hydrogen peroxide, and polymers, a highly toxic mix of detergent meant to wipe out dirt and grime. That line sounds like it was written by the Tide. Yeah, it kind of does.

MerlinThey slid that in there. Yeah.

MaxYeah. Manufacturers have been concerned about toddlers mistakenly ingesting them, but now teens are popping them on purpose and posting videos of the results online reports CBS news. 19 year old Mark Pagan, who did it on a dare told CBS news he knew better, but he did it anyway. Quote, a lot of people were just saying how stupid I was or how, why would I be willing to do that? He said, no one should be putting anything like that in their mouths. You know,

Merlindo they swallow do they swallow it or do they just put it in their mouths the pot well well

Maxthe pods are bright and colorful and to children they look like candy oh thank you and at least 10 deaths have been linked to ingesting tide pods two were toddlers and eight were seniors with dementia why well they do look delicious number one they do look very appetizing now i don't do the laundry pods but we do the dishwasher pods and every time I put one in the dishwasher I'm

Merlinlike one of these days I'm gonna eat one of these well I think what we're overlooking a little bit with these things is yes they absolutely look like some kind of delicious Japanese candy but they also feel really good oh that would be nice in my mouth don't you can you imagine imagine if

Maxit was a candy the how pleasant it would be like a gusher when it like burst in your mouth and all the syrup came out. Now, have you guys ever gone into a Lush, the soap store Lush? Yes. Yes. Don't you imagine, don't you have a fantasy of eating everything in the Lush, like Homer in the Land of Chocolate? You run from station to station and taste all the soaps? Yes, I want to lick all the bath bombs. They look so appetizing.

MerlinBecause you know it would also be a little bit like a pop rock. You know it would sizzle a little bit in your mouth.

MaxAnd they're all on butcher blocks and they sell it in rapid paper. It looks like Whole Foods. It looks like a fudge store.

AlexHow can they do that? So I know what you do with this.

MerlinAre these those choky candies, Alex?

AlexNo, those are, if you search for, in their super secret chat, I've sent you some pictures of bouncy balls. And if you search for forbidden snack on Twitter, they show you actual things that I would personally want to eat.

MerlinYeah, it wasn't the same thing, Alex. I know this is an emotional week for you. But just at least putting a Tidepool in your mouth amiibo style seems right in your fucking weird house.

AlexNo, and that's the thing. But that's the problem is like it's soap, guys. It's soap. This is not anything exotic or cool. Like you want to have the bouncy ball. You want to have like the rubber bands. There's way more interesting things that someone would want to swallow. Rubber bands. Tell me more. I just feel like they would have an interesting consistency if you put a whole bunch of them in your mouth.

Speaker AOh, you think? There's not a thing you've ever tried.

AlexThis is just idle speculation on your part.

MaxHave you ever eaten anything with your hands right after you've handled a bunch of rubber bands?

AlexOh, no.

MaxThat's like money. It's one of the worst tastes. It's a very bad taste.

AlexHowever, if you just buy a fresh pack of rubber bands with different widths, like the really skinny ones and then the slightly larger widths, I imagine that it would be an interesting mouthfeel, as you call it.

MaxNo, they taste terrible. That's what I'm saying. Even fresh rubber bands, they have some sort of powder on them or it's the rubber itself. And they taste awful. They have this bitter, like acrid taste. It's really upsetting.

AlexWell, I mean, that's your opinion, but one might say that it's-

MaxMaybe it's like a Switch cartridge.

MerlinThat's so irresponsible. You sent me a photo of L'Oreal Kids' cheeky cherry shampoo, and it looks like a little character smiling with an eyeball. Who doesn't want to put that in their mouth? Exactly. Come on.

MaxMerlin, you have a Nintendo Switch, don't you? Yes. Have you guys purchased any cartridges for the Nintendo Switch?

MerlinJust the little games.

MaxYeah, yeah. That's what I'm saying. You have some of the physical games? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay, when you get home, I want you to take the game cartridge from the Switch. You're going to put it in your mouth very briefly. Is this true?

Speaker AAre they bitter?

MaxOh, yeah. They taste awful. That was the first thing I did when I bought a Switch was I opened a cartridge. Before I even opened the system, I popped open a cartridge and put it on my tongue. Because I had heard about it, not from reviewers online.

MerlinSo what I was talking about, K-O-N-J-A-C, Conjack Jelly Candy. Digga, digga, digga. Breaking. 2001, Houston Chronicle. Jelly Fruit Candy is linked to choking deaths in kids. They come packaged in small containers, perfectly sized for kids. Squishy, sweet candy in mouth-watering flavors such as mango and grape, peach and coconut. They're messy, gushing juice when the foil cover is peeled away. Another bonus for children who like to make a statement when they eat. Moms see them as a fat-free snack that comes with a piece of preserved fruit in the center. They're yummy, said this young girl, age 10, after squeezing one of the candies.

But then they make you choke. They had to ban these. They had to ban these because it looks like a tide pool. It looks like a tide pod. And you put it in your mouth and then you choke on the binding agent. You shouldn't joke on a binding agent.

AlexNo, no.

MerlinTrigger warning.

AlexMax is opening something.

MaxI have birthday treats.

AlexYeah, it was Max's birthday yesterday, I think, but your party's tomorrow, so I don't, or the OPSEC never mind. But there are treats happening.

MaxAw.

AlexAre they from listeners? Did you just go all, have you changed your opinion on cards?

MaxNo, it's just nice that this person sent me a present.

AlexOh, okay. Merlin how long until you could throw away a birthday card

Merlindepends on who you're dating I guess if it's a card that's meaningful to you oh I got a life hack for this but generally just fucking throw them away as soon as you get them unless you have a system

Maxthis person sent me a variety of executive desk toys oh nice did you get the little balls clacky balls No, this is some sort of heavy metal gear, and you put it on your desk, and it's on like a fidget spinner, like a bearing. Oh, wow. And you spin it, and it has little joke answers like a magic eight ball. Oh, that sounds nice. So someone comes to my desk, and they're like, can I have a raise? And then I spin this, and it's like, tomorrow. And the trap door opens.

Speaker AYeah.

MerlinThere is, what are these officially called? I just call them project folders. But these cool, I've been way into these things for years. You can get these things. They're kind of like a cross between a file folder and an accordion folder. And the idea is, so just Google project folder, and you'll see that there's like a little accordion folder, and it's got stuff on the front where you can write about like what's in it, what the status of the project is. I love these things. I use it for tons of stuff at work and at home. It's a great way to just collect a little pile of things. And so here's a life hack. If there are things that you want to save from a time, an occasion, an event, a holiday, get one of these per that thing.

So if you had five birthday cards that you really liked, you put them into one of these folders and you write what stuff is in there and write the date. The other nice thing is when you've got a little kid at Christmas, there's lots of little things involving paper around the Christmas holiday. You've got the letter to Santa. You've got Santa's letter back to you about his opioid epidemic. You've got lots of signs that get made. My daughter likes to go into pages and with emoji write up whatever the menu is for a meal that we're having and then put it on all of our plates.

And so for those kinds of things, make a folder.

AlexOh, that's so smart and good.

MerlinIt's so good. And so what you do is all of those, if it is things you really want to keep and, you know, you aren't ready to Marie Kondo them, put them in a folder like that and then have an area where you keep all those together. And you can go back and revisit them and go, oh, here's all the nice things from 2012.

AlexI mean, I read that book you recommended, It's All Too Much, which is basically the Marie Kondo book, except sane. But not crazy. Yeah.

MerlinIsn't it striking, though, Alex? Isn't it striking how very similar it is to what became Marie Kondo? It's like Marie Kondo without unnecessary OCD.

AlexCrying and cleaning the book. I cannot go to recess.

Speaker AI must tidy the room and weep. Someone move the chalks. I must move back the chalks. Thank you for your service, Tiny Chalk.

MaxAll right. I have another news story, and I couldn't be more excited to have found this news story because we get to make fun of it on Dubai Friday before Chopo Trap House does. They fucking get me every time. You guys have no idea the havoc that they've wreaked on this podcast that I find the same.

AlexI wanted the water one so bad.

MaxI know. I know. I had it all excerpted out and ready to go for us. And then they did it. And it was like, ah, fuck. All right. But this one they didn't get to yet. This is a New York Times style piece about the crypto community. Did either of you guys stumble upon this article?

Speaker AI didn't, but I heard about it.

MaxIt was quite good. I heard it was really pretty bananas. It was quite good. So I've excerpted it, so I just have the good parts here. This is from the New York Times earlier this week.

Dugga, dugga, dugga, dugga. New York Times. The cryptocurrency community is centered around a tight-knit group of friends, developers, libertarians, Redditors, and cypherpunks who have known each other for years through meetups, an endless circuit of crypto conferences, and internet message boards. over long hours in anonymous group chat san francisco bars and the settler and settlers of catan game nights they talk about how cryptocurrency will decentralize power and wealth changing the world order i know that they drop settlers of catan in there so they sound really like nerdy and quirky but that's a very basic ass game i know it's such a normie game

as the kids played monopoly they should probably be playing like like uh netrunner or something Anyway, whether it's all built on sand or not, the crypto castle has risen. There's an actual house called the crypto castle, and the king is Jeremy Gardner, 25, a rakish young investor with a hedge fund who has become the de facto tour guide for crypto newcomers. Early one afternoon, he opened a bottle of rosé while he charged half a dozen external batteries so he wouldn't ever have to plug his phone in in Ibiza, Spain, the next week. Quote, I do ICOs. It's my thing, he said.

an ICO is an initial coin offering. Initial coin offering, right. He wore a pink button front and pink pants. Quote, to me, it's a couple of VCs and a lot of charlatans. You don't say. Oh, yeah. About eight people live in the crypto castle on any given night, and some of Mr. Gardner's tenants brought out snacks, Cheez-Its, and a jar of Nutella. One of the bedrooms has a stripper pole. Mr. Gardner leaned back into the sofa and rested his feet on the table. He recently did an ICO for a startup after party. You can ICO anything, he said

He runs Distributed, a 180-page magazine about cryptocurrency that comes out about once a year He is now raising $75 million for his hedge fund, Awesome Ventures He said his closest friends are moving to Puerto Rico to get around paying taxes Quote, they're going to build a modern-day Atlantis out there, he said But for me, it's too early in my career to check out He wears a bracelet from his Burning Man camp, Mayan Warrior And a necklace that is a key on a chain I was given this necklace and told that my net worth would go up, and it's gone up 6x since then, he said.

Speaker AThat story checks out.

MaxYeah. Dad, by your logic, I could say that this rock keeps bears away. I'll take it. How much for the rock? The taste factor. Jesus. He drew a chart to explain the crypto community. 20% for ideology, 60% for the tech, and 100% for the money. That's 180% Drawing a circle around it all A roommate on the sofa perked up And asked if he'd ever invest in his lucid dreams startup

The idea is a headpiece that induces them Mr. Gardner did not seem impressed Probably not, he said A reality show wants to follow him around But he's skeptical that it can add to his life Quote, I literally have a date with Bella Hadid Not having a reality show, he said Who's Bella Hadid?

MerlinI don't know That sounds like a model

MaxAs the holiday party And then skip to They have the cryptocurrency holiday party As the holiday party filled up A cryptocurrency rapper called CoinDaddy Aria Bominjar, 28 Was just getting ready to perform Formerly a commercial real estate agent Mr. Bominjar Works full time at CoinDaddy After becoming a self-described crypto millionaire Quote, you think I would dress up like this if I wasn't? Right now all our entertainers Come from inside crypto Excuse me quote right now all of our entertainers come from outside crypto culture not inside crypto and we've

got to change that he said he pointed to his outfit a long white fake mink coat gold heeled shoes and said it's gold right it's gold it's a niche and i'm gonna fill it he says he is going to shoot a music video soon for a song called quote lambo party and another called crypto mom about quote all these moms who are pumping their children's savings accounts into crypto

MerlinDentaCoin is the first blockchain concept designed for the global dental industry. The DentaCoin ERC20 token is configured to be used globally by all individuals. DentaCoin aims at improving dental care worldwide and making it affordable through crowd power. Numerous blockchain-based tools will be developed and implemented. DentaCoin, the cryptocurrency, cutting to Twitter by Matt O'Brien. DentaCoin, the cryptocurrency to pay dentists with, is down from a high of $2.3 billion a few weeks ago to $469 million today.

They're having a tough time. DentaCoin.

MaxIt's Bitcoin for dentists. I can't believe that there, A, that there was a special currency just to pay dentists with, like nightmare coins. But blockchain. Yeah, and B, that it was worth a billion dollars.

AlexWhat a world. I mean, I still can't believe the Kodak one exists. Yes. Oh, wow. I mean, just because there are two separate Kodak products that came out of CES, our beloved camera company, just like a miner that was, I guess someone just licensed the Kodak brand and slapped it on it. And then their own cryptocurrency, which has it launched yet? Do you launch a cryptocurrency?

it's i'm still it's an ico right yeah yeah yeah it's a launch yep uh i don't know oh wow bella bella hadid look at her yep yep that was that's something that's in my she parts her hair in the

Merlinmiddle a lot um these are things are these all things you've put in your mouth yes you sent me some things in the suit first of all i appreciate that amazon link i sent you that's animated what is up with that who is who is bella hadid oh she's a model bella hadid so you've put laura so uh let Can I voir dire you on this, Alexandra? Sure, sure. Okay, question. And you're not allowed to text the White House while I'm asking you.

L'Oreal Kids, Cheeky Cherry Shampoo. Has it ever been in your mouth?

AlexI couldn't. It was the fruit punch version. I could not find a photo of it.

MerlinOkay. Oh, okay, okay. Whoosh, shower jelly.

AlexYes.

MerlinOkay. That's got lemon, lime, rosemary infused jelly. Oh, that's food grade. That's not a problem.

AlexYou can eat anything from Lush.

MerlinEverything's food if you're hungry enough.

Alexkleenex cool touch facial tissues i found this uh i actually have some by me right now i found this out because my cat kept licking them and i'm like well must there must be something about this

Merlinright yeah it's not like the cat's an idiot uh silly putty color changing silly putty okay so

Alexthis was my favorite thing to chew on as a child because it it changed based on temperature so if it got hot it would become the purple would become pig so but really the only way to do that was to put it in the freezer and then put it in your mouth that's so funny you should say that we went

Merlinto the science museum my daughter and i uh recently and i picked her up some of that you know there's that it's kind of popular you get in a tin it's that putty and you can get in different styles you can get like copper you can get hyper color yes she keeps putting the hyper color in her mouth to change the colors and it's driving her mother insane she likes to make her teeth uh appear in putty and it's making her mother lose her mind look it's pink honey don't do that in front of mom wait till mom leaves to put the putty in your mouth i'm okay with the issue is don't do it in front of mom oh there's so many things we don't do in front of mom we don't talk about watching

scenes from kill bill no just the fighting just the fighting oh just wait what does that mean just the fighting just you know i think she needs to be exposed to kung fu i i think it's important for a child to be exposed to Kung Fu.

AlexI mean, she's not

Merlinaccepting the book. We're getting up to the episodes in iClaudius. Why don't you watch Kung Fu Panda? She's seen, his name is Poe, I've been told. His name is not Kung Fu. Please, Mr. Kung Fu

Maxwas my father's name.

MerlinKung Fu is the monster. So, of these things, so it sounds like Silly Putty Changeable Color of Silly Putty is your long-time

Speaker Afave. Do you still turn to that sometime in moments of need? You're feeling anxiety, someone's trying to look in your eyes like an animal? Remember, Alex, remember we bought that thinking

Alexputty. Oh yeah. I used it for a really long time until it got so disc, like there was the hair

Maxand dust. It does acquire, it does, these things do acquire a lot of hair. About three

Alexmonths later I'm like, I better replace this.

MaxYeah, at some point it becomes like a tumbleweed of like pubes and dust. Put me in your mouth. Yeah. I have mouthfeel.

MerlinA tumbleweed of pubes is something I didn't

Alexneed. No. Oh.

MerlinNo, no, no, no.

MaxWe should talk about the challenge probably.

AlexMan, I killed this challenge.

Speaker AI'm so happy to hear this. Yes.

AlexIt was my challenge this week, and it was fairly general, and the challenge was to just pimp your sleep. And I interpreted that as, I think I talked about this before, but I got a Fitbit, and I'm Ted cruising it now, So I've got my Apple Watch and my Fitbit.

And it's just, it's way better at tracking sleep. And it's also better at tracking standing.

MaxCan I see what the Fitbit looks like?

AlexYeah, yeah, yeah. Did you get the HR charge? No, I got the Ulta HR, so like the skinny one that still has the heart rate. Is that the skinny one?

MaxOkay, skinny one, okay. Do you wear that to bed? I don't want to touch it, you're sick. No, I don't want to touch it, you're sick.

AlexYeah, yeah. It was fun to watch Max recoil. Look at the lights. Cold and flu season, you guys. It's bad. Well, I felt really like, oh, my God. I can't believe I fucking didn't get my flu shot. And the doctor's like, oh, no, no. It wouldn't have helped.

MaxDon't say that.

AlexOh, good.

MaxNo, no, no, no, no, no. It's very scary. I think the flu shot was wrong this year. I think they basically guess what they think they should put in the flu shot. It's not perfect, but it helps.

AlexAbsolutely. Yeah, that was not a, no, everyone get your flu shot. Man, I love, it's always taking your heart rate. It's always got the, the Fitbit always has those like beady little green eyes. But yeah, so I was tracking my sleep and I guess because I had the flu, I have an abnormally large sleep time of nine hours and 12 minute average for this week. yeah there's lots of little stars it's gonna be really just as as opposed to last week where the

it was six hours and 30 minutes but uh i also do you still have the flu right now uh no i'm i'm told i'm not contagious i'm told that i'm not i'm told that i'm not am i gonna get the flu i don't want to get the flu no you're not gonna get the flu you need to get the tamil flu oh a fun well

Merlinif you can't i i wonder max like a birken bag with your other things no no no no uh within a

Alex10 mile radius all the pharmacies uh from our location are out of tamiflu so i wonder if like a birkin bag max could somehow acquire this like if you think you have connections for that max

Maxcould you get tamiflu if you decide i would just drive to a clinic or something outside of a 10

Merlinmile radius justin uh is on it right now because his wife is is a doctor and i think she's sick right now um is is it do i get the sense it's prescription only is that correct yeah god i should have married a doctor that would oh i can't have this i won't get sick i can't get sick i've

Maxbeen washing my hands i've been washing my hands so much that i'm i'm starting to look like the the guy from fantastic four oh yeah oh yeah you're coming a lizard person yeah i'm becoming a lizard

Speaker Aman it's oh god you should moisturize but see but even then so last night i was telling people i had

Merlinto do a performance thing last night and i was like and it was a bit through the entire show was i won't get sick i can't get sick i'm not i will touch you with my elbow maybe i signed for an instacart and they went and washed my hands because i touched somebody's phone who knows

Maxwhere that thing's been you go out in public you touch anything you go to the coffee shop you have hot hands those hands cannot touch your face no no somebody somebody says oh here i've got some sanitizer some hand sanitizer i'm like nice try no that does nothing i mean like think about

Merlinthat think about this is like this is oh god why do i don't want to go down this path like think about the faucet at the movie theater when you wash your hands think about the faucet anywhere what has touched that faucet over and over and over dirty fucking hands you're gonna clean your hands by touching the dirty thing so i'm gonna get your hand sanitizer you a stranger you a stranger you're gonna squeeze your sanitizer right into my hand i don't think so i don't know where that

Maxnozzle's been i guarantee you like in pawnee whenever there's those public hand sanitizer things is people who put their mouth right on the nozzle. So last week, Veronica got very sick. You got to put a cage over it. Yeah. Last week, Veronica got very sick and I didn't. I was extremely sanitary. I did not get sick. I was so careful. And I DM'd our friend of the show, Dr. Don. I said, Dr. Don, what do I do? How do I not get sick here? And he gave me very good advice. So basically, we washed everything on like the high temperature setting in the washing

machine and I did sanitize on all the dishes and I used a I cleaned all of the like like furniture and stuff with a diluted bleach mixture. Did you bite into it first and then like you got to get a

Merlinlittle taste. Yeah. Just to check. Yeah. Dateline CBS News 2007. British hospitals are banning neck ties, long sleeves and jewelry in an effort to stop the spread of deadly hospital born infections according to new rules published Monday. Hospital dress codes typically urge doctors to look professional, which for male practitioners has usually meant wearing a tie. So you think about this. You think about a doctor who goes through the hospital, and his tie, his or her tie, his tie, is just going to become a disease sink. It's going to become like a sick sponge. And you walk around, and that's touching people,

and you're touching your hands, and you're stuffing a scope? Come on. Sleeves? Forget about it. I think all doctors should perform nude.

AlexI don't understand doctors who wear normal clothing to examine people. It's like, what the fuck are you doing?

MerlinYou should dress like a Bitcoin miner.

Speaker AHey, guys.

MerlinI'm going to hypnotize you with my hat. Why in my head do Bitcoin people seem like pickup artists? Do you think there's any shared DNA there? I don't want to get sick. I can't get sick. I won't get sick.

AlexDid you pimp your sleep? Oh, yeah. Oh, hold on. Hold on. And I've got to say, the weighted blanket is a fucking game changer.

MaxIt's very good. I got mine and I really like it.

AlexI don't know. I think it's because my bed is a multi, and I know this is bad. You're not supposed to work in bed. You're not supposed to read in bed. But I do because it's comfy there. Yeah. But it's like when I use the weighted blanket, something snaps in my brain where I'm like, okay, sleep time. and uh and this happened like before i got sick the very first night i had it i was like oh oh this is nice and i think it was the fastest i've ever fallen asleep so kidding yeah so i i

think i successfully pimped my sleep how about how about you berlin well um okay can i can i pivot to

Merlinasking max because i do want to respond to this but i'm curious about max because max it sounded like you for a little bit not sure you're a little on the fence because you thought it might not be warm enough did you did you end up acquiring and using a weighted blanket yeah i just got this with

MaxThe one on Amazon. And I don't know what I'm going to do when I get the Kickstarter one, the Gravity Blanket. Maybe I'll just give it to someone in the office or something.

MerlinBring it to the office where it can get full of diseases.

MaxYeah, I mean, maybe I'll just give it away. But, yeah, it's great. I like it. I feel like I sleep better with it. I don't know. What more can I say? I use it with our normal comforter.

MerlinI'll hop in. Sleep is a big issue for me. It's something I've talked about a lot in a lot of places because sleep, I mean, without going into too much repetition that everybody knows but ignores. Most people don't get as much sleep as they need. Sleep is important for taking out the garbage in your brain. Sleep is important for physical, mental, and emotional renewal. And treating sleep as something that you can medicate your way into can be tough because there are various kinds of things that might help you fall asleep but then screw up your REM sleep so you're not getting the full repair. It's something I've

made a practice of for a long time is trying to get better at sleep, and I've got a multi-multipronged approach to that. So for a while I've been doing this. And I do treat my bed, well, the thing is I do lay on my bed and look at my iPad during the day. But at night, I only get in bed when it's time for bed. So we've got a Casper brand mattress that we actually do like a lot. I've got a weighted blanket. I've got one of those Hello Buckwheat. I love the bean pillow. I've got one of those. The bean pillow is nice. Mine is good and full. I got an extra pillow so I can stick extra bean in.

and it's nice and solid. And I like that way better than those dumb regular pillows. But yeah, the weighted blanket, I think, is a really interesting option. So I mean, I want to put people at ease that you do not have to feel like a weirdo for using this, even though you will probably feel like a weirdo for using this. I don't know if it's been clinically proven. I don't know if you guys got the Chinese blanket I did, but the materials that came with it seem to say that it's good for everything, which I'm always a little suspicious about.

AlexCBD oil. Can't take too much of it.

Speaker BThere is no unsafe dose. I just think that's really interesting that you were quote unquote tripping because science has shown that there's no way.

MaxIt's good for your multiple chemical sensitivities, your leaky gut syndrome, your morgillons, your electricity sensitivity.

MerlinIt hasn't been shown to cause morgillons. There's literally no morgillon dose.

MaxBoy, our cat really likes this blanket too. It's a good texture for her.

AlexYeah, what is that? Well, and I find that obnoxious, though, because when you add 17 pounds to the 20 pounds that's already on top of you, it's like, not so much, buddy. Your cat weighs 17 pounds? Yeah, he's officially fat.

MaxOh, come on. No, no, he's one pound below being obese.

AlexYeah, our cat weighs six pounds. Well, the vet, he's part Bengal. The cat, not the wild cat. You say part Bengal?

MerlinLike the big, the Bengal, like the big, big tiger boys?

AlexNo, no. So, so no, it's Bengal is a breed of cat.

MerlinYeah, yeah, yeah. It's like a Savannah. It's like one of those big semi wild cats, right?

AlexYeah, not semi. No, no, no. Savannas are terrifying. They're like actual cheetahs. But he's.

MerlinOh, I have a Savannah cat story.

AlexOh, wait, really? Really? Okay. No. All right. All right. Dig dug.

MerlinRemind me, because I want to circle back to this. Cats, weighted blankets, fat cat. So the weighted blanket, you get this blanket and it's okay. I realize this seems kind of weird and outsider. I'm just here to tell you, it has helped me so much. It is like, as I said to you guys in texting, it's like sleeping inside of a hug. It looks like a fairly normal blanket, fairly normal thin blanket. But I guess sewn into it are some kind, at regular intervals, are some kind of heavy bead. So that they're well distributed. It's even. It isn't going to be like a heavy comforter where it all gets balled up at one end.

It's evenly distributed. It is a little bit of an adjustment to get used to. But I don't know if it's just I've psyched myself into it, but I feel like it really does help me sleep. It tells me it tells me it's sleep time and tells me to calm down and lay here. And it's very comforting.

AlexYeah. I mean, this might have to do with my my enjoyment of putting strange things in my mouth. But guys, please don't tweet at me saying I have pica. I'm not I don't fucking have pica. Anyway, the like it's kind of I think like lavender or something like white noise. I immediately was like, OK, yeah, this is this is sleepy time. I don't know who cares if it has medical benefits what is Max opening now oh that looks interesting is that another birthday tree

Maxso many weird items

Merlinwho are the people Max without saying names are these people you know strangers

Maxthey're like acquaintances they're like not my close friends they're like people that we do business with send me like executive gifts for my birthday vendors and things like that

Alexif you want to send Max anything for his birthday, you can send it to Dubai Friday, 1917 North Elston Avenue, Chicago, Illinois, 60642. I am concerned.

Speaker AIf you listen carefully to the podcast, you can find out the address where you're at.

MaxThis spinny toy is very cool. Oh. This is my favorite.

AlexSee what I'm talking about?

MaxIt's like you spin it.

AlexI'm not going to touch it, but I would like to touch it in the future. That is very cool.

MaxYeah, it just spins around, and then it gives you an answer.

AlexTomorrow. It's kind of like a fidget toy that's like vaguely threatening too. Like it's very like, that's like something that the godfather would have on his desk to play with. It's very good.

MerlinYeah, I don't have that much. There's not that much novel stuff for me to add. I mean, the other tips, again, I've said this other places, but I mean, it does really, you don't think this matters, but it does. Try to get the room as dark as you can. it really does make a difference because even though you're not aware of it even when your eyes are closed your light will pass through your eyelids and light hitting your eyes tells your body it's time to be awake so and to that point i would also say things like you know i do this with the hue switch where i have one there's a hue labs thing where you can

say when you hit this button give me the relevant lighting for the time of day so if i hit the but number two when i wake up it gives me a very blue like morning time to wake up light Yeah. And then at night, try to minimize the amount of blue light. I know this is not total science, but like it does make a difference to not expose yourself to a huge amount of blue light to make an orangish reddish light at night. I think that helps a lot. And then the basic part of sleep hygiene is to just understand that like it's a zero and a one, like I am going to bed now. It is time for sleep. Before I do that, I will prepare myself to have bedtime and I will not do

things that make me not have bedtime, you know? And I don't know. I think it really can make a difference. Um, what's the last thing? The last thing is if you're going to try to change your sleep, in my experience, if it works for you to set an alarm and make yourself get up at an arbitrary new time, good for you. In my experience, it's the other way around. You have to change the time you go to bed in order to make a difference. And if you consistently go to bed at a particular

Maxtime, you'll have much better results. Last night we had an incident wherein I was, well, like, so yesterday I was, we have like a bunch of house guests coming this week. So I was like cleaning the whole house and like putting stuff away. And I, in the course of my cleaning, I like slightly moved our Roomba like one inch. I like moved the whole charging station of Roomba over. You know where this is going.

Speaker AYes.

MaxAnd at about five in the morning, the Roomba's downstairs in the kitchen. And we're a whole floor up behind like a closed door. But all of a sudden I hear, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop. Please charge Roomba. Please charge Roomba. And it woke me up and I was like, oh my God, that's annoying. And then I just started to drift back off to sleep. And then it goes, beep, boop, beep, boop, beep, boop. Please charge Roomba. Please charge Roomba. And I was like, well, it's probably just set to do that twice.

And then I sort of lied there waiting for it. And a minute or two later, beep, boop, beep, boop. Please charge Roomba. Please charge Roomba. Max, Max, that's white torture. You're getting white torture. And at this point, Veronica's starting to wake up. And I had to get up. I had to get up. A long, long time ago. Put on pants and like walk downstairs in the kitchen and adjust the Roomba and move it over one centimeter so it was making contact with its precious little charging pad. Don't you think if you worked at the fucking Roomba Corporation that you would program this thing not to detonate at five in the morning that you would just you'd say, hey, why don't we wait until there's daylight to start setting off a literal like a klaxon?

MerlinYou know, I realized this as soon as I had a dumb fucking baby in my life. Here's something, world of industry. Nothing should ever make a noise when you turn it off. That's one thing.

Speaker ANothing should ever make a noise when you turn it off. You know my other favorite?

MerlinThis is why I no longer pair my phone with my Echo devices. You're sitting there. You're having your sleep, and suddenly it goes, Bluetooth disconnected, in the middle of the night. Thanks, buddy. I'll get right on there.

Speaker AAh, Bluetooth disconnected. Oh, beep boop, beep boop, beep boop. Do you ever fall asleep?

MaxHere's the thing you don't need to do anything about at 2 a.m. So now that I'm on the new iPhone, all my headphones are wireless, right? Do you ever fall asleep wearing the wireless headphones?

AlexYeah.

MaxSo not the Apple pods, but other brands of wireless headphones. Like over-the-ear headphones. Oh, the over-the-ear ones. They sort of helpfully announce to you when they're shutting themselves off. Boundary level. Medium.

Speaker AThanks, buddy.

MaxYeah. Just starting to drift off to sleep. I'm listening to Frasier just desperately trying to shut my brain off just so I can get some sleep.

Speaker AGive me the sweet, precious gift of sleep. Finally. Let me escape this nightscape hellhole.

MaxYeah. Finally just like, you know, experiencing that sweet release of death. And then all of a sudden, directly into my eardrums, iPhone connection lost.

Speaker AThere's the salads and scrambled eggs.

Thank you.

60. A Tumbleweed of Pubes and Dust

Show notes

Transcript

60. A Tumbleweed of Pubes and Dust

Show notes

Transcript

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