34. The Duck Goes Coin Coin

AlexThis is Do By Friday, the weekly challenge podcast with Merlin Mann, Alex Cox and Max Tepkin. This week's challenge, go to the zoo.

Oh, you picked up. Hey, Merlin.

MerlinHey, buddy. How's it going?

AlexMy voice is pretty annoying, but other than that, pretty good. Why? What happened? I just have a sinus infection.

MerlinIs that why you were out?

Speaker AI'm a gremlin.

AlexYeah. However, I'm down to only two sinus infections a year. If you'd like the gory details, it's great. I do. Max is here.

MerlinDo you, um, I remember once I had a sinus infection and my nose exuded something that looked like Oreo cookies.

MaxHello. Is this on?

AlexYes. Is it on? You have to turn up your mic amp. Or your headphone amp.

MerlinDid you watch that video?

AlexI did. I watched the anti-ASMR video. Yes. It was so upsetting. I just,

Merlinit starts out bad and then it just kind of gets worse. Doesn't it?

AlexOh man. So you know how you don't like to talk about the show on the show? There's. Yeah,

MerlinI do. I'm familiar with that phenomenon.

AlexThere's, there's this noise in editing and I never know. Cause I'm like, it's Merlin like seltzer, but, but do we keep it, keep it in? And I looked at Coke. What? Who listened? Nobody cares about that.

MaxWhat are you talking about? Guys, I don't know if I can do the show if I know that Tiffany Arment is listening.

AlexOh, I know. Did you watch the video? Oh, my God.

MerlinDid you watch the video? So it's this Life Hacks channel. First of all, my daughter has become obsessed with Life Hacks. She read the David Pogue, like, How to Run Your Life book, which probably should have done a tech edit.

MaxNo. Wait a minute. Does she know about 43 folders? 42 folders? How many folders were there? 42 folders.

MerlinNo, she doesn't know about any of that.

Alexthat's like not knowing your dad you should tell her about the hipster pba merlin she's very into

Merlinlife hacks videos and she loves the david pogue uh book of life hacks and she's obsessed with these videos and some of them there'll be like 39 minutes of food hacks and and so a lot of times it'll be stuff like ding ding ding ding you get self-love music you know and it's stuff like hey you can spin an egg to know whether it's fresh and put it in water and then you can make a dress for your fork and there's all this kind of stuff some of the a lot of them involve eggs there's one

where there's one where like they do these super porny like close-up shots of like you take the lid you take the lid from a bottle and then a razor sharp heated stick and make tiny holes in it then you can put it on the bottle and you can water your plants with it it just goes everywhere squirts all over the window it's so timid eric the one that i sent to alex is the worst video that's ever been on the internet. It's the worst video. And so it opens with this excruciating, what felt like 11 minutes of somebody taking a Russian Coke can and with an incredibly sharp knife, incredibly sharp knife,

you cut an aluminum can in half and then you cut it in half on the other side. And you have to carefully, with a hole poker and more sharp knives, you mark holes on it, you poke holes in it. It gets better. Because now you take bolts and washers and nuts and you're going to put them into one part of that. Then you put more poking, more heated things, more extremely sharp knives you hold in your hand like you're cutting a fucking bagel.

AlexGod, I'm having flashbacks.

MerlinAnd so you make little, oh, I see, you're making little feet for this, and you put a hinge on a Coke can. And then what they do is they put in some tinder, and they start a fire in their home. And then they put in half a hot dog bun.

MaxWhat else are you supposed to do if you need to heat up like a single can of beans and all you have is like a very sharp knife and several Coke cans and pokers?

MerlinThe other cocan hack, which took about six minutes, was that you make a slot in it and use it as a bank.

AlexWell, you're not addressing the final 38 minutes of the video.

MerlinNot even getting the good part. We're not even getting... So they don't tell you what they're doing. They don't mention things. Like there's one where they say, crush up some corn chips in a bag and put it on chicken. The next shot is someone eating the chicken. They leave out the part about cooking. but it's a ding ding ding ding ding ding ding so they start out and you see this like a paper cut out pattern that's like a you know it's a triangle ish thing and so you take the triangle thing you find a large piece of clear plastic you put it on there and then you get two different

kinds of special saws and a drill press and you can make make your own fidget spinner and then

Maxthey show you how to make three more fidget spinners have you guys seen the there's there's like a subreddit about life hacks and there are people who post their like little tricks and tips that they come up with around the house and they're all like i like i would for sure i couldn't tolerate doing any of these like a lot of them are like uh uh nail a garbage can into the or a garbage bag into the wall and then you don't have to own a garbage can put your recipes on a pants

Merlinhanger and put it in your kitchen and we just and so we're just we're just screaming boo we scream boo bad life hack or or we say just buy a plant squirter or often it's not not my daughter so here's how to fold a jacket to pack and my daughter my daughter says david poge already said that so i said honey you know why we can afford three security cameras

Alexthat's left this big life hack money uh man i i remember back when we were doing uh our our previous show, Top Scalps, which was not annoying and not about a terrible season of a great reality show, you both got very upset because you found out I didn't own a bed. And now I do own a bed, but really- Oh, yeah.

MaxYou used to sleep on sort of a nest of clothing and rags.

MerlinShe slept on a pile of Pokemons and cat toys.

AlexIt was a 25-year-old mattress, but well, now it's just a place where I have to clean dust out every week.

MaxOh, a bed is a terrible inconvenience. Yeah. All right, guys, I haven't read any news. I've been really sick of the Trump news lately. I think we've somehow crossed some sort of... We've crossed into some sort of territory. You say this every week. Every week. I know. We've crossed into some sort of new territory.

It happened like a month ago where it's not funny to make fun of Trump anymore. The only funny thing is Trump himself. And I find him extremely funny. But it's actually like really depressing. Like all these like, I don't know, like calling him a drum for whatever is. It's just starting to make me all want to die.

MerlinDo you know about the origin of the red rose, Max? There were some really choice ones. What's that? Do you want to put a red rose in your name?

MaxOh, well, that's the famous symbol of the anti-suffragettes, which, as you know, the left is just a movement designed to deny women the right to vote. It's an anime icon with a master's degree. That's one of the main political aims of the left. Alright, well anyway, I have some real gems this week, so I feel like it's back to our favorite bit on Dubai Friday. Reading new stories about Donald Trump.

New York Times, Washington. him. Dear Donald Trump tell it, his first six months in the White House should be judged in part by the legislation he has signed into law. At rallies and speeches and on Twitter, Mr. Trump repeatedly boasts of the bills he has signed, 42 as of this week. He has said no president has, quote, passed more legislation, conceding once earlier this year that he trails Franklin Delano Roosevelt, who he notes, quote, had a major depression to handle. On Monday, he went even further, claiming to have bested all of his predecessors in turning bills into law,

Quote, we've signed more bills, and I'm talking about through the legislature than any president ever, Mr. Trump said at a Made in America event at the White House. Quote, for a while, Harry Truman had us, and now I think we have everybody. Turning to Vice President Mike Pence, he added an aside about news media fact checkers. Quote, I better say I think, otherwise they'll give you a Pinocchio, and I don't like Pinocchios. Now, before I proceed with the story, what do you guys think about this?

AlexI just kept wondering, I'm like, is it the day quill that's making me not understand this? Or is it just the typical Trump dialogue that is making no sense? I don't know.

MaxI mean, this is a thing he said multiple times very confidently and with a lot of clarity that he's passed more legislation than any other president in history. I don't even know what that means. I mean, what is that? I don't know what that means. I mean, he signed more bills into law than any other president. Yeah, it's true. that he said that many times why would he lie why would he lie about it's like the most easily googleable it's just it's so fucking farcical it's like he's just he just owns everybody

Merlineveryone's his bitch now there's a link via your political twitter list this morning i forget where i read it i don't have it at hand but it was basically this story a very upsetting story about well there's a reason that he says these things which is because everyone around him only tells him good news, only flags positive media from things like Fox and Friends, because, and you could kind of imagine that from the beginning. Obviously, he just surrounds himself with the worst human beings who are incapable, have

no experience in these jobs, and they're incapable. But on top of it, he will go fucking nuts on even or especially his senior staff if he gets the whiff of anything but total success. So basically he is just, I mean, I know this sounds obvious, but I really want you to think about this, that it isn't just that he is ignoring this stuff on his own. It's that he is surrounded by people who are assuring him that he is doing the best conceivable job. And if it weren't for these enemies, these 11 to 300 million enemies who are out to get him, that he would be regarded as the greatest president.

MaxBut you know what's one of the craziest things about this is because the left is like full, I mean, I don't know about the left. The liberals are completely consumed with Russia. Russia is like the single focus of the entire, you know, hashtag resistance. And they're all like, you know, fucking Louise Mench on Twitter this morning was like, I've got my inside sources are saying that they're pursuing the death penalty against Paul Manafort and Steve Bannon for their collusion and their espionage with the Russians. because, you know, Louise Mench, as a legal expert, she knows that usually before you make an indictment

or get a verdict, you usually try and figure out the penalty, whether you're going to kill them or not. That's how the justice system works.

MerlinThey're looking at a lot of others. I mean, they're pursuing it actively for Bannon, but they're looking at the death penalty for a lot of others.

MaxWell, I mean, I checked in with my sources, and they all agree with what Louise Mench is hearing, so I think our sources are in agreement on that.

MerlinThank you. Thank you for real journalism, Louise.

MaxThank you for your service. but she uh the frustrating thing with the russia story is like the worst i mean the worst thing that's going to happen with russia is like that there was some sort of collusion which i'm sure there was like i'm sure trump did some some shady shit and his awful sons did some shady shit and maybe they get like the trump family and some of the senior white house leadership and then you know what happens mike pence is president or uh some other senior republican who's actually competent and can pass legislation. Like, people don't understand that the only reason

that we don't have this Republican health care bill passed, it's, like, not anything that we did. It's not, you know, the hashtag resistance on Twitter. It's not Congressional Democrats. Like, they haven't even fucking slowed this thing down at all. They have not exercised any political power to impede or slow this thing down in any way. It's only the incompetence of Donald Trump. And it's only that he goes on TV and, like, directly contradicts the, you know, the media narrative.

MerlinHe scores his own goals faster than anybody can put it on the board.

MaxIt's unbelievable. And speaking of which, so do you guys have any guesses as to how Donald Trump's legislative agenda actually stacks up to previous presidents?

MerlinIs it actually like two or three?

MaxNo, he's not done horribly. So the New York Times says he's passed a 40—they say as he approaches six months in the office on Thursday, Mr. Trump is slightly behind the lawmaking pace for the past six presidents, who as a group signed an average of 43 bills during the same period. Mr. Trump has signed, I guess, about an average number of bills. But this part was pretty funny.

Almost half the other—oh, and this is pretty funny. So I guess Trump has signed like 40-some bills into law. but Truman and Roosevelt had both signed more bills into law by their 100-day mark than Trump did in almost twice that time. Truman had signed 55 bills and Roosevelt had signed 76 during their first 100 days. And then it goes on to say, but almost half of the other bills Mr. Trump has signed into law are ceremonial or routine. The president includes in his count laws like the one to rename the federal courthouse in Nashville after Fred Thompson, the actor and former senator

who died in 2015. Even the Republican leadership in the Senate does not count those kinds of bills when they tally their legislative achievements. What's happening? Are these sound effects?

AlexNo, I tried to do a sound effect. It wasn't funny.

MaxOh, okay. By contrast, Mr. Trump's tally includes three laws to appoint members to the Smithsonian Board of Regents, another to seek research into better weather reports, and one to require the Department of Homeland Security to manage its fleet of vehicles more efficiently. that's so fucking funny to me that he's like counting that there's a separate bill that they have like inflation of the piddly shit that they do like appointing regents to the board of the Smithsonian and Trump counts each of those as a legislative victory and then he goes he goes he goes

folks folks I gotta tell you we have more better legislation than anyone more more legislation than Franklin Delano Roosevelt I'm not gonna get any Pinocchios we got more bills than all these guys it's the best legislation

MerlinMike Pence just nods he nods and nods I hate his fucking nodding. Get you a man who can nod at your inarticulate lies the way that Mike Pence nods at his inarticulate lies. It's so disturbing to watch. That's very good.

MaxWe should get at one of those morning zoo shows, we should get someone to just nod along with whatever crazy thing we say on the podcast. Oh, you get a laughing black lady. Doesn't Howard Stern have a laughing black lady? All right, we got to start the show. All right. This one's an old one, but it was really funny.

Vox. President Donald Trump, oh, and it has a great Dubai Friday twist at the end. This is from Vox. President Donald Trump apparently forgot to book a hotel room in Hamburg, Germany for the annual Group of 20 Summit of Key Global Leaders and was stuck scrambling to find somewhere to stay, BuzzFeed reported Thursday. Did you guys read this?

Speaker AYeah. No.

MaxThis is so fucking funny to me. The White House apparently waited too long before making a reservation for Trump and his traveling staff for the summit, which begins on Friday. All the luxury hotels in the city were completely booked by other world leaders, leaving the U.S. president, who had made his name in business building luxury hotels without a place to stay. He's new on this. A local German news outlet, Hamburger Abendrglatt, reported on Wednesday that the U.S. government wanted to stay at the Four Seasons, but they were turned away because it was already booked. Trump's advanced people are so fucking bad.

Do you guys remember when he did an event standing in front of garbage? Yes.

AlexYes.

MaxYou have a whole staff of people to make sure that you don't take a picture in front of garbage.

AlexThat was my job, was getting people hotel rooms for a year.

MerlinI was going to say, as somebody who does this as part of their job, does that just give you the wet shits when you think about forgetting to book a hotel for an international conference?

MaxI mean, I recommend if anyone is if any one of our listeners is interested in like what goes into being an advanced person for presidential campaign, check out Alyssa Mastromonaco's book that she just put out. And she was Obama's advanced person. Really fun read. Really funny. She writes in a very funny and honest way about being like one of the most senior women in the White House.

MerlinAnd I had a friend who did that for Dean and Clinton, Hillary. and he first of all he's probably the best manager that I have ever worked for he runs the best meetings I've ever been in I mean you have to be so organized he would have every have you ever heard me talk about this Brian Mason is this guy's name and he used to be able to run a meeting where he would you ever heard me talk about that concept of scheduling guests for a meeting

you ever heard that on Back to Work this idea that like the meeting starts at this time, this topic starts at this time, and then at 15 or 17 minutes after, this person has eight minutes to present this. I'll give you a two minute warning. And then the next person has to walk in. And there's a propulsiveness to his meetings because he's planned out like every nanosecond of it and knows what has to be accomplished and what the action items are when everything is done. It takes a certain kind of very, very special mind to do that kind of work. And like, if you're not detail oriented about stuff like just booking a hotel,

Like, can you imagine?

MaxI mean, are there any wheels left on this bus? There's all these mediocre white men, and they all have huge round heads with goatees that are sort of swallowing the lower half of their face. And they all just have like a thumb up their ass, and they're staring at each other going, did you book the hotel? Did you book the hotel?

And you have fucking Eric Trump with his slack jaw, and he's going, my father. My father, he's a great man. He always remembers to book a hotel. My father was a very tall man. He once lived for three months in a tree and the tree paid him. I have to get to the end of this story. Okay, so Trump couldn't book the Four Seasons. They were turned away. Quote, the delegation from Saudi Arabia had actually already claimed the Four Seasons as well as rooms in several other nearby hotels.

Saudi King Salman won't be at the summit. A former finance minister is representing the country instead, according to the Financial Times. but but the king usually travels with a huge entourage camels for fresh camel milk and a golden escalator according to a hamburg-based weekly news magazine now that takes an advanced man or woman but probably a man wow exactly now the saudis are planners they've got fresh camels for camel milk can you imagine that you wake up in a foreign city and you're brought your morning glass of uh you take your morning constitutional yeah and then you're brought your glass of camel

milk and you take it and you spit it on the floor and you go, this isn't fresh. These camels aren't anywhere near here.

MerlinImagine, so you wake up every morning and you do not have to call anybody to know whether the golden escalator is there. You just know you start walking. You start walking and you've got feet on gold. How do you travel with a golden escalator?

MaxHow do they physically take it? Where does it go? How is that possible?

MerlinIt's probably like the stair car. on Arrested Development. You're going to get some hop-ons.

MaxNow, I'll tell you, because I've been living in hotel rooms for the last couple weeks, I have not purchased a golden escalator, but I did go on Amazon and I bought a travel shower mirror. explain please this is just thing you can buy it's a travel shower mirror so it comes with it's got suction cups on it right yeah yeah it comes with its own little detachable suction cup and it kind of packs up flat and do a little you know one of those like do you know when you get like an electronic thing from a not apple brand like like when you buy like an anchor um batter power battery oh when it comes with a necessary drawstring bag it comes

with a little velvet drawstring bag like you're the fucking queen of England and here's your jewels are being presented to yours. I don't know why every electronics company feels like they need to give me a faux velvet bag.

MerlinI got that from my headphones. My headphones came with a drawstring bag and I was like Oh, it's like, oh, I hate the touch of plastic and rubber to my fingers.

Speaker AI need the velveteen massage of a Plantronics bag. I need eight cents of

Maxmock velvet. with a string that's going to break immediately. That's classy, Eustace. But anyway, it has one of those, and then the mirror doesn't break.

AlexThat's cool. All right, but I'm still stuck on why do you need a travel mirror? Are you in like hostels?

MaxSo I can shave in the shower. Shower shave.

AlexOh, right. Yeah, we covered this.

MaxI mean, I normally, when I'm staying in a hotel, I just sort of man up and I shave over the sink, but we were talking about it on the podcast, and I was so frustrated. is like, I just want to have a good shave. I don't want to stand over the sink like an animal. Just cold, trying to splash little palmfuls of water. Eh, eh, eh. Just splashing onto my face. You need that big Avengers cup.

MerlinGet that big Avengers cup. You fill the Avengers cup with hot water. No! You pour it right onto your face.

Speaker ANo!

AlexYeah, men have a real tough time shaving. It must be such a burden every day.

MaxAll right. The Verge. This is a tech follow-up.

AlexThis is such a tapestry from so many outlets.

MaxThis is all the good boys. The Verge, Vox. We got all the explainer articles. Okay, this is sort of a tech follow-up one. I just really enjoyed this. I feel like these are the kind of business lessons that people want to hear when they listen to the podcast. And we obviously, for our startup, Office Hagrid, probably there's some lessons here that we can incorporate. because there's no such thing as failure. There's just the opportunity to learn from mistakes. Failure is a gift.

AlexOh, God. The article.

MaxOkay, The Verge. The sharing economy has made it easier for communities to peer exchange anything from a spare bedroom in your house to car rides and bicycles. But the model doesn't work for everything as one umbrella-sharing startup learned the hard way. Just under three months after launch, China-based e-Umbrella has reportedly lost almost all of its 300,000 umbrellas available to rent across 11 Chinese cities.

E-Umbrella had investment of 10 million yuan, approximately $1.47 million when it launched in April, and it charged customers 19 yuan about 290 per umbrella deposit. However, the founder discloses that an umbrella costs the company about $8.80 to replace. There's your problem, right? They gotta make it up in volume, yeah. There's your problem right there But despite the losses He plans to add 30 million more Available across China by the end of the year

AlexThat's fine

MaxThe idea isn't a new one either Over in the US a startup named Brella Box Pitched a similar concept on Shark Tank And was called quote The worst idea ever heard on the show

Speaker ABy one of the panelists If you're going to have like a building without a doorman

MerlinAnd you want to add a little bit of class to it You put some umbrellas down there You know if you can't fail fast fail hard That's what I always say

AlexIs there a statute of limitations on things that you're stolen that isn't considered grand larceny? Oh, like if you can... I want to tell a story, and I don't know if I... Well, okay. Nobody listens to this show. This is true. Just tell it. Have either of you ever waited in line for an Apple product?

Speaker AMm-hmm.

AlexYeah, like I do every 15 minutes. Have you ever waited in line for just an Apple store to open so that you have the privilege of buying something in the store? For example, maybe when the Lincoln Park Apple store opened, it was very exciting. I came home from college. I came from Milwaukee to the store opening, and they were handing out umbrellas because it was raining, and it was so exciting. There were apples on it, and it was great. You go through the store, and then as you're exiting the store, there's somebody taking the umbrellas from you.

I'm like, wow, what a good idea, but fuck that. So my friend and I snuck out with the Apple umbrellas, and I still have it today. It's the best umbrella in the world. and I wonder how much they lose on people stealing umbrellas.

MaxWhat do you think is the deal here? Does every Apple store have a secret cache of Apple-branded umbrellas in their basement somewhere?

AlexI think it's, well, they get special stuff for every store opening. Like, I have a shirt, too. It's probably.

MaxBut you're saying every time there's a store opening, every Apple store receives Apple umbrellas?

AlexI mean, I don't know. It was like 10 years ago.

MaxYou know, we should ask. I don't want to, I don't want to, I poached a, I don't know what they call it, like a storeroom manager, the like backroom manager of the Lincoln Park Apple Store who works here and we should ask her.

AlexYeah, yeah.

MaxThat's a good idea. What the deal is with the umbrellas.

MerlinI would love it if you brought her on. I mean, she's probably still under statute of limitations, but I'd love to hear some stories.

MaxI have to check and see if we can have a guest. I have the various approvals and procedures I need to go through. I'll get back to you on it.

AlexThere is like a five-year non-disclosure at Apple Stores. Because I remember I was like, hey, I have this show. You want to be on it? and the person working there is like, yes, in five years.

Speaker AWow.

AlexYeah.

Speaker AWow.

AlexOh, boy. Max, do you have any more follow-up for many of the great Vs?

MaxI have one more. This is a one more Trump follow-up that I really enjoyed. This one was just out, I think, yesterday. This is from Raw Story. And it's basically just one of these, like, shitty articles that's, like, explaining what a book says. But this one says, According to Devil's Bargain, Steve Bannon, Donald Trump, and the Storming of the Presidency by Bloomberg's Joshua Green, Trump grew irate over an article published on August 13, 2016, and confronted Manafort about the report's contents.

Quote, how can anybody allow an article that says your campaign is all fucked up, Trump demanded of Manafort. The article, titled Inside the Failing Mission to Tame Donald Trump's Tongue, described an irate and volatile candidate whom aides were afraid to approach in person. Quote, you think you've got to go on TV to talk to me? Trump reportedly asked Manafort. Quote, you treat me like a baby. Am I a baby to you? He continued. I sit there like a little baby and watch TV and you talk to me? Am I a fucking baby, Paul? Oh, my God.

Now, I'm not, I wasn't there when this happened, but I personally guarantee you this is exactly what he said. It's too perfect. Of course Donald Trump yelled this at his campaign manager. I sit there like a little baby and watch TV and you talk to me? Am I a fucking baby, Paul? Of course that's what he said. The following day, an article detailing Manafort's $12.7 million payout from a pro-Russian party in the Ukraine dropped. Trump's son-in-law, Jared Kushner, reportedly approached Manafort and demanded his resignation. Quote, I can't do that, Manafort told Kushner, insisting if he resigned it would make him look guilty.

Yeah, no shit. Quote, at this, Kushner's demeanor hardened, and he glanced at his watch, Green writes in Devil's Bargain. quote we're putting out a press release at 9 a.m. that says you've resigned Kushner replied that's in 30 seconds whoa no thanks for the leisure time boss devil's bar oh and then this was also incredible devil's bargain also details the moment Trump soured on New Jersey Governor Chris Christie reportedly on election night Christie sat down next to Trump oh god and as it dawned on the candidate that he was gonna win even as others in the room avoided congratulating

the businessman. So Christie figured it out early, I guess. Trump reportedly quote, flashed a look of annoyance, clearly resenting the intrusion. As Christie informed him, President Barack Obama would be calling him directly. Hey Donald, the president talked to me earlier, Christie told Trump, referring to Obama. If you win, he's going to call my phone, and I'll pass it over to you. Hey Chris, you know my fucking number, Trump, a noted germaphobe, reportedly said, quote, just give it to the president. I don't want your fucking phone.

What a fucking child. He's such a child.

AlexTo be fair, I wouldn't want to touch Christy's phone.

MaxNo, I wouldn't either. What petty nonsense. Like a sitting governor comes up to you and says, the president's going to call on my phone, and you say, I don't want to touch your fucking phone.

MerlinThat's crazy. I bet it smells like Jimmy John's and butts. For sure it was McDonald's smell. The implication is that this is why this was a rift that became the primary rift in their relationship began with the cell phone problem.

AlexOh.

MerlinNo, they're saying, if you read on, the thing I read said that basically this was the beginning of the end for their relationship, supposedly, is they never healed this rift.

MaxOver the phone? Yes, over the germs.

MerlinSo crazy. I'm going to read from the internet. Chris Christie phone.

AlexI don't think this is fake. I'm going to bring this to Snopes.

MerlinOh, Snopes it, Snopes it. This is exciting. Well, you guys edit it. Don't worry about it. You're going to edit the shit out of this. It'll be fine.

AlexYeah, none of this will be in the show. Nothing comes up. So it's not fake news, but it's not confirmed. But it's not like the strippers who threw up on each other.

MerlinWhy can't we just have that one?

AlexI wonder. Obviously, there's the best case scenario that will never happen is that the whole administration goes to jail. But I feel like has Eric Trump done anything to put himself in jail? Is he going to be lonely if that happens?

MaxCan I ask about this? Because I know we started talking about this before. Because I know this is everyone's fantasy, right? This is the whole Louise Mensch thing of like, oh, they're going to get, my sources say they've got to Paul Manafort and Steve Bannon and they're going to get the death penalty. Okay, so all these people get put to death. What do you imagine that solves? Don't you understand that they were voted into office by the American public? How does it help to get rid of Trump? Like, do people, are people really that short-sighted?

Are they really not, do they not understand that, do they not have like any engagement with the sort of systematic causes that put Trump into office that made people think that he was a good choice? He didn't steal the election. He was elected.

Speaker AYeah.

AlexI mean, I know that like, I was just very tickled by all the people who were very upset about, it was an NPR or the AP tweeting out the Declaration of Independence on the 4th of July. But an equal number of people were like, wow, this is really brave. What strong statements. We have to resist. There were people at our side who were like,

Maxthis is so inspiring. Everyone on Twitter is fucking Keith Olbermann. They're banging their shoe on the table going,

Merlinsir, at long last, have you no dignity? Does he record that show in a gas bathroom? I've tried to watch it, And it sounds like the recording, you know, like when you Skype, you do like a podcast with somebody who doesn't do Skype a lot. And you go, are you sure you're not talking into your computer? I'm pretty sure. I'm pretty sure the computer.

MaxYou've got the wrong mic selected. How long last have you no dignity, sir?

MerlinHe very first did that. And it was during the Bush administration, if memory serves. And he did this. He was just full of righteous indignation this one time. And it went viral. and he did the whole like you know have you no decency sir type thing because he likes to say sir a lot because that makes him sound like he's being very courtly and and he went on that was what 14 years ago and he's still doing it but but now but now he's doing it in like an airstream

Maxtrailer it's really really strange he one of these days he's going to be sitting there and he's going to be wrapped in the american flag like a like a shawl over his shoulders and he'll be yelling at the president mr trump let me tell you this you have finally crossed the line and The American people will take it no further. And then in the distance, you're going to hear, sweetie, dinner's ready.

Speaker ACome upstairs.

MerlinIt's time for aqua yoga, Mr. Overman. Who keeps moving my pants? Put down your computer and come up for dinner. The nurse is stealing my money.

AlexI like how Max's old wife voice is kind of like Mark Simpson.

Speaker ARemember when he surprised you at the tackle box?

MerlinMax, you can't be made happy. I don't care about politics, but I know how I feel. And so all I can tell you is that, and I brought this up again and again, because I think someone needs to bring up this baseless and indefensible point of view that I have, which is that I'm tired of feeling insane. I have felt insane. I mean, I personally felt insane my entire life. but the the the banana cookies experience of the last two years has made me feel every day like i'm

out of my mind because it's it really is like will ferrell you know screaming about taking crazy pills where you're like can can can people just not see what's happening and you can't say that in public anymore it's not cool it's not really that cool to say that in public anymore instead you just go oh yeah cool like yeah i feel crazy that owns i i you invented that that's you you do that yeah you're the one who does that you invented that anyway all i'm trying to say is that i think there is an occam's razor to this of us of us poor stupid whatever we are uh title which

is that like we're tired of feeling crazy and feeling like there's so many things in plain sight that are just simply wrong not off like not you know not not a bummer but like flatly wrong and then it gets double wrong and it gets quadruple wrong and then like every day that goes by and this is why people love needling whoever we are. They love needling us because they know that we already feel like we're insane and then we become very crazy and also I think Louise Minch might be a false flag but that's a separate conversation.

But that's why and that's why every night I sit there and I watch fucking MSNBC and I see Rachel Maddow explaining the headlines to her cats or whatever she's doing and I go through this every night.

MaxShe's rustling papers in the...

MerlinSomebody out there, please do this for me.

MaxCould somebody please... I can go Rachel Maddow. Hang on. No, seriously. And do you know what Donald Trump says to the American public?

AlexNo, you gotta lean on the table, Max.

MaxYou know what Donald Trump is saying to the American people? That's right. It's lies.

MerlinSo somebody take one of those top-of-the-show picks with Rachel Maddow and then intercut it with a room full of 60 mangy cats. Like you do it. You flip, do a 180 and you see all these cats just blinking while she's talking.

MaxWhen she's squaring the papers on the table and a cat comes up and rubs its little cheeks on it. She sounds like an insane cat lady.

MerlinAnd once you see it, you can't unsee it. Well, Mildred Pierce, it's been another busy day.

AlexMax, did you keep up with all this?

MaxNo, I didn't pay any attention. I'm glad.

AlexHow many hours of sleep did you get every night?

MaxWell, we did a lot of morning tours and activities. It was so fucking hot when you were in Europe. So we really tried to wake up early, get out at 7 a.m. so we could go do stuff before it got hot. And then we'd sort of chill out and nap in the afternoon. and then especially in Italy. Italy is like an incredible country. Everyone just goes out for dinner at like 9 o'clock. Like they're just all out drinking wine, hanging out in the streets and the plazas. It was delightful. So then we'd just go out late. But we were not sleeping a lot.

We were getting like five hours of sleep or something because we'd stay out all night like, you know, drinking wine and reading at a plaza and then wake up early.

AlexThat sounds like a delightful episode of Gilmore Girls.

MerlinWhat was your most surprising thing you learned about these countries or about yourself? What's the thing where you came home and you went, hmm, that's interesting. I never thought about that before. Anything that made you change your point of view?

MaxSo when we went to Florence, you know, that's where the Statue of David is. And the Statue of David is like basically in its own museum and it has a huge line. And we sort of talked about it. And there's other museums. And Florence is like one of the best art cities in the world. So there's other museums, right? We really wanted to go to the Uffizi, which is the Renaissance Art Museum. And we were like, you know, if we spend a day and go to the Uffizi, we probably will not have time to go see the David. And we were like, that's fine. I've seen pictures of it a thousand times. I don't need to go see it. And when we mention that to people, we'd say we're going to Florence.

They'd say, you're going to go see the David? And we'd say, no, we're going to skip it. We've seen it. And they're like, no, no, you have to go see it. It's much more impressive in person than you think it is. And I would say, well, because so many people said that to me. And I would say to them, well, okay, but you just told me that it's more impressive than I think it is. So now I know, now I'm calibrated correctly, and it won't be more impressive than I think it is, right? Because I'm accommodating my estimate of how impressive it will be based on you're telling me that it'll be more impressive than I think it is. Like, I think it'll be a four, and you're telling me it's going to be an eight, so I'll upgrade it to a 6.5.

MerlinThey just, you should really watch the wire, you.

MaxThey just gave you the, you should really watch the wire. Yeah, exactly. but something that's much more I mean the statue is way worse than the wire no matter how good the statue is and so we went to Florence oh and the other thing is people would say there's a replica of the statue of David and like a plaza outside the museum and even though it's an exact life size one to one scale replica you have to go see the real thing because it's much more impressive and in the back of my mind I was like that's fucking crazy like you're a lunatic if you see a replica and then go see the real thing

and say the real thing is better so sure enough we go and we saw the replica and we were like, wow, that's pretty big. It's pretty good. And then we had this museum pass and we had free time and it was free to get in. And we're like, all right, fine, we'll go see the David. So we went to the museum and we went in and we saw the David and like, holy shit, that thing just, I can't describe it. It's got some magic to it. It's more impressive than I thought it was going to be. It just fucking stops you in your tracks. I don't know what it is. I don't know why.

MerlinYou got cucked by David.

MaxOh, my God. I got cocked so hard by...

MerlinBut I'm so glad it turned out that way. There's so many replicas of David. The art museum right next door to where I went to college had one. And, you know, it was on the cover of my textbook. I had to see his dingus every time I went to psychology class. But I think it's a remarkable sculpture, you know? But, you know, it's like a Cameron from Ferris Bueller type situation. Seeing that stuff in the flesh, like seeing it, like being there and experiencing it in person, it's a markedly different experience. not just because why is that that's crazy

MaxI don't know

Merlinit's insane

Maxwhy would it be that way we talked about

MerlinVincent van Gogh and how like a Vincent van Gogh painting has three dimensionality that you can't get in a photograph we you know there's things like you take like Colorfield artists or Mark Rothko where you really

Maxbut I've seen the statue but I've seen the statue the replica in Vegas before and it wasn't

Merlinthat great

Maxit's because you were drinking a yard of beer at the time that's a really big statue well I wasn't but presumably

Alexsomeone who enjoys fun would be there was i haven't prepared anything to read from the internet uh but there was an article that i i didn't know how to take it because it was all about the placebo effect and how it is like it's more effective than people would think and i wonder if that's kind of how it is when people see art like i know so many people who've cried as when they've seen moda lisa or just been in the same room as a van gogh and they're like there's just something in the route but like is it so is it like gerda church i don't know it's so like i don't want to diminish

Maxthose feelings at all i just it's fascinating so the statue of david is actually in a sort of purpose-built gallery where it's like it has like a special dome over it and it's like lit in a certain way and it's on this huge pedestal and it's like way up in the air and i think that probably the environment probably does contribute to your sort of feeling of awe of this thing i'm sure that's a component of it but no it's probably kind of like a like a feels more i think you were

Merlinkind of getting at this like sanctified it has a church-like uh well and it literally is in a

Maxin a church it's in a what it's called a basilisk a basilica thank you

Alexyou go down top riddle welcomes you No spoilers.

MerlinSpoilers.

Speaker AWhat if, what if, um, hmm.

MerlinWhat's that called? What's that called when you put your soul into somebody? A crookshank? What's that called? When you put part of your Voldemort into somebody. What's that called? What's that called? A Weasley?

Speaker AA fleshlight. A fleshlight.

MerlinWhen you cut yourself into seven parts and you put yourself in a fleshlight. What is that called? I know this name. Horcrux. Is it possible that David's a horcrux? I'm texting you my new favorite Wikipedia photo Which is a pretty close up Shot of his dingus

MaxAlright Dega Dega Dega follow up So when I was in I was complaining last week on the episode That we were going to all these museums stadiums and I'd be standing in front of the statue of David taking in its grandeur and then my pocket would buzz and I'd look down and it'd be like there's motion detected at your front door and I go oh thank you ring I can't deal with that right now uh very very flawed piece of technology

uh and then I was talking about this you mentioned that you just got a ring so I'm curious what you're um tell me about it what are your impressions yeah how are you using it what was the why did you decide to get it talk me through the whole thing what is it first of all explain to our

Merlinlisteners what is the ring doorbell first of all this is a segment that is has mainly only been in our private channel and it's called pound sign merlin shit list because these are each one of these things is worse than the other all of these things suck they're not really can i play the

Maxtheme song for i have some theme music for merlin's shit list yeah go on tell please give us your um

Merlinyour review all of these things are terrible they're all they're all terrible and even the ones that are good are bad and so i bought a fucking cordless drill and i went and i installed installed my ring doorbell and got it configured and like it's just buzzing all the time and dogs are walking by and that might be a palm tree and did you know that there's a delivery ah and then the other thing goes off and now my new iq cam can't be mounted upside down because they took that feature out. The canary thinks I'm gone when I'm home.

And so I'm walking around and I've got my dingus on the camera. No, canary, I'm home. Stop looking at my dingus. Each one is terrible.

Speaker AHave we lost Merlin? No, I'm here. Okay, good. It's produced by Chuck Dursk.

MaxIt's Merlin's Gadget Corner. Merlin, tell us your pick of the week. So, guys, the new Apple iOS developer preview is out, version 3. Let's list our pros and cons.

MerlinHey, you know what would be great?

MaxIt's if I could have Wi-Fi again.

Speaker ABecause I haven't had Wi-Fi since that one came out. Every time it just restarts all day long and it just keeps restarting and then I lose the Wi-Fi. If I turn off the Wi-Fi and I restart, it will hard reset all the way.

MerlinWe bring up two apples, bring it all the way up, all the way up, back to it again. I get to reselect Wi-Fi until guess what? Bing bong. Time for it to restart again. Every time it restarts on its own, I lose my Wi-Fi and I got to start it all over again.

MaxIs it on your iPad?

MerlinYeah.

MaxCan you watch? Is Plex working?

MerlinI don't use Plex on my iPad. What?

AlexHe doesn't take baths.

MerlinNo, no, no. I'll watch something on a bath. No, I use my big boy TV for Plex mostly. Man, I never watch anything on the TV.

MaxI do everything on my iPad. I don't know. I take it with me while I'm doing chores and stuff around the house. Yeah, chores.

AlexI mean, I guess...

MaxNo, you got to reconfigure your doorbell every night.

MerlinYeah, when your canary gets moved, and now it's just taking a picture of a lamp all day. And the Arlo. Don't get destroyed on the fucking Arlo.

MaxOh, I got to buy special chargers for the Arlo. The Arlo wouldn't work on the USB chargers that I had.

AlexArlos are... Oh, God.

MaxAlex, so have you learned how to make the scheduling triggers work for the Arlo. I spent some time on it, and I got it working.

AlexYeah, but they suck. They suck so much. No, it's good.

MerlinNow I think the Arlo is good. The camera's fine. The camera is fine. The software is terrible. It's so bad. It's so bad. So right now, as we record this, I have an honor, if I may, an honor I'd like to share with you, which is that I have the number one negative review for a product on Amazon? For the Arlo? No, no, no, for the Nest Cam IQ.

MaxThe new guy? Oh, so it's bad?

MerlinSo I shouldn't get it? No, it'll be fine for most people that don't need to use it for anything. Basically, if you set it... We can't wait to see what you don't do with it. If you set it on a flat surface and don't need it, it'll be fine. It'll be fine. It'll track movement. Hey, look, your cat's moving around. But no, it no longer comes with any mounting equipment. First of all, it weighs probably two pounds. It has no mounting equipment. It comes with, guess what? A camera tripod mount.

MaxSo.

MerlinNo.

MaxAnd what's great is. Wait, you're telling me you don't have a series of camera tripods set up in your home?

MerlinI'm not going to tell you what I've got because of my OPSEC. No, here's the problem. Here's the problem with this thing. So it's meant to like be photographed for a website. It's meant to sit on a shelf next to like a vase. But if you want to put anywhere, what's so great in the diagram is like this thing is super flexible. It goes back and forth on it like a gooseneck. And it'll go from side to side 160 degrees. Well, my math tells me that's almost all the way around, except what they really mean is it'll go, get this, 80 degrees to the left up to 80 degrees to the right. So it doesn't even go 90 degrees either direction.

So try mounting it on a wall. Guess what? Everybody's crooked now. And putting on a ceiling, no, can't do that because guess what? They took out rotate image because I'm guessing they've got 4K capture to 1080 output. so they're probably doing on-device pokery jiggery. So if you buy a camera mount, a fucking tripod mount, yes.

MaxDo you put these inside your house? Yes.

MerlinReally? That really bothers me. Oh my God. Point it at the door. Point it at the door. Point it at the door.

MaxWhy not have it outside the door pointed in and then you can see if someone's out there. What? Are you creating your own Panopticon? I have mine on the side of my house looking down at the door. And if the doorbell rings, I can open up the dingus and I can see who's there. And then I can see if it's a mailman or if it's a team of burglars posing as a mailman.

MerlinI use the Nest Cam, point it at our front door, and I identify zones. And so it'll give me a ding ding if something happens on the front porch versus in this entry area. And the one that I've had for two years has been fine. mounted upside down with about a nickel's worth of 3M adhesive and it has worked fine.

And now I bought this extremely costly camera. I set it up and it's cool. I pointed at the street and I go, hey, look, this big dog, little dog and it'll zoom in and it'll follow them as they walk along, which is great. But anyway, that was just super. These things, this is all, you know, three weeks out of four, I'm excited about this stuff and then sometimes, you know, it's like Apple stuff.

MaxI gotcha. Go. No, I got, I'm just saying, I gotcha. I've sapped all your excitement about home automation

Merlinoh no I mean I'm still kind of excited about it but like it's also stuff like if you've got a ring doorbell and you hook it up to if ta ta ta like your options are like make a spreadsheet entry when someone hits it with their finger it's like what like no I want big patterns I want interesting things all these things are like so Dale Gribble it's like oh this is going to be really great every time my train comes around it's going to donate $5 to cancer like what is this stuff doing it doesn't work that's all i've been saying since we started

Alextalking about home automation this is a home this is automated security systems it's all the same

Maxit's all sort of stuff that like doesn't no actually work well here here's the thing though

Merlindo you get what the iq does that's cool like what it does it is so here's the great thing It's capturing at 4K, which is bananas. Now, why would you want 4K if it only outputs to 1080? Well, the answer is brilliant, which is if you have it sitting perfectly flat on a shelf somewhere and it detects motion, it gently zooms in and it starts following the thing that's moving. And then it says, hey, this is this person's face. Is this a familiar face? And you add it to familiar faces. So then, I mean, how fucking great is that? So you go, that's the mailman.

Don't sweat it. Or like, you know, that's. And so you can do that. That's great. except you can't mount it hardly anywhere at all and have it still work. It's just that it's the...

AlexSo you're kind of selling this to me right now. So could you say, yes, that's a familiar face, but I want you to track it? Because this could be a really great cinematic camera for time lapses of my cats.

MerlinOh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah. Well, I mean, you can go read the reviews, including my one negative review. But no, it does. And it'll say it's not... I don't think it's very perfect at it yet. I only ran it for just like a little bit to like get it set up and then I was so excited and of course I hadn't really thought through like how it was going to get mounted but anyway I'm not normally that guy but in this case I was like you know that is pretty costly to take out a feature that is used by that many people and there are a lot of people that are bummed about this I don't know it's just that it's if there's one thing that bugs me about a lot of this stuff

and this goes for Apple stuff too is that everybody thinks it works fine because they're not using it as much as me or they're not trying to use it for something in production as much as I do where it's like I feel like some people's impression of this stuff is like I managed to set it up and it didn't break five stars and it's like no man like I expect you to do all kinds of stuff for me I expect you to like adapt quickly and and make my life good you know not just be

Alexsomething I don't return. Semi-serious question. What do you expect from these security systems? Is it purely just because if someone breaks into your house, the ring isn't going to stop them?

MaxWhat the ring advertises that it does is someone rings the doorbell and I'm not home. It buzzes my pocket and it says, someone's at the doorbell. I can open up the app and I see a little video of who's out there, and the ring has a little speaker in it, and I can say, hey, sorry, can't come to the door right now, go away. And then that person, because they're wearing a PG&E uniform, but I called PG&E, and they said no one is supposed to be in the area, and they're a burglar, and they're just, what do they call that? They're scouting? Casing the joint. Casing, thank you. They're casing the house.

They're probing for vulnerabilities. They're trying to establish my schedule, my rhythm. So the ring, it throws them off. It throws a wrench in their plane. They hear a little voice coming out of a tiny speaker, and they're like, oh, the man is inside. And they run away. They scurry away in fear. That's what's advertised. But what actually happens is I get a notice on my phone saying, someone's at your door, the doorbell is ringing. I swipe the notification, and then I stare at a little spinner on my phone for the next 20 minutes while it tries to ring software.

MerlinMax, Max, I have not yet, and this is not very far from a pretty well-functioning Eero, I have not yet been able to get the app up, open it, and get it to a point where I could respond. I have not yet been able to do that. before someone leaves.

MaxIt literally never works.

MerlinAnd there's no pulley-downing dashboard dingus for it. That's a natural pulley-downing dashboard dingus thing. There's no watch app for it. It's just like, oh, here's your thing. It makes a ding-dong sound. Oh, guess what?

MaxThe ringtone can be a barking dog. Don't send a notification to my watch saying someone's at your front door trying to enter your house and then not also have a picture of it. Don't send me a horrifying push alert with like nothing to follow up on and then a thing that doesn't work. And the final, here's the icing on the diarrhea cake is that the one thing that the doorbell is supposed to do is when someone pushes the button, it rings. That only works about 70% of the time. Did you buy a chime? Did you buy a chime for it? Yes, I bought the chime. It only works about 70% of the time.

And that's the exact wrong amount for it to work. It doesn't work infrequently enough that I've learned not to trust it and I've taken some countermeasure.

MerlinBut I'm amazed that I can walk almost across the street and still be streaming Accidental Tech Podcast live, and that'll work. But somehow the camera... Oh, and also you have to set it into this. You have to agree to put it into I will waste your battery mode in order for it to come up quickly. And even when it's come up... Do you have yours in come up quickly mode? No. So basically there's two modes. There's one mode which is like, I just bought this thing because I'm a fucking idiot and won't really use it. It doesn't matter if it comes up quickly. or you can say basically be in a sort of ready state yeah well no i have it in like the ready

state i've got it in like commando mode and like still it's like i'm sitting in the movie theater i'm sitting there enjoying spider-man and it's got somebody's dinging your ding dong and like and now at this point people are looking at me i'm like it's cool it's my doorbell and like it should be the jetsons i should be going hello and they say flowers for mildred and i say oh they're next door and they say have a nice day and i say have a nice day and then they steal all my cameras.

AlexI'm very sorry.

MerlinI sent you the link. I sent you, I think, five David Peaces. Oh, I'm reading your whole Amazon profile now. Oh, yeah. I got some Sloan reviews in there.

AlexUh-huh.

MerlinUh-huh. What else? A review of the book that published your tweets. Oh, that was good.

AlexOh, that. That was a good one.

MerlinYou should read that. That's a good one. These cooking bands I bought aren't as good as they used to be. I used to be Merlin Mann I could get mad back in the day, couldn't I?

AlexWow, this is

MerlinNot sweet, not at all

MaxOh, that's so funny God, I'm full of shit

MerlinI am so full of shit That doesn't mean a bowl of Jolly Ranchers I leave by the door Can be scooped into a trash bag And sold at the flea market Simply because someone has a spare trash bag And the bonehead desire to make a fast buck

Speaker AThis is really good

Merlin91% one star that may be trying a little hard yeah well I'll pass it through another edit I'll have my staff look at it 91% one star

Maxwait 927 people found it helpful

Alexare all of your reviews Markdown compatible I mean it should be

Merlinit should be backward and forward compatible that's what's nice about Markdown you can run a text file on your toaster if you wanted to

Speaker Aoh shit Merlin's Amazon wish list

MerlinOh, yeah? What do I got on there?

Speaker AOh!

MerlinLet's see.

MaxHere we go.

MerlinAll right. Let's see. Where's my list? I do put things. I put things on there sometimes.

MaxAn 8-terabyte MyBook Thunderbolt Duo. Yep. Desktop RAID external hard drive. A Netgear Orbi home Wi-Fi system. Yep. A Sound to Sleep Dream Series air mattress with comfort coil technology and internal high capacity pump queen size.

MerlinQueen size. iRobot Roomba 980 Wi-Fi connected robe.

MaxI have that. That's the Roomba I have. It's great. Alex told me to buy it.

MerlinBandai Tamishi Nation.

MaxWait, are you cheating on Casper here?

MerlinYeah, I'll take my Casper when we go camping, Max. It's a better way to sleep. Friend of the pod. Look at that Freddie Mercury. Isn't that cool? That's very good. Isn't that badass? No, no. Oh, Nintendo Switch. Great purchase. This is often, this is so like, okay, so you've got like, you've got like your shopping cart and then you've got your save for laters. these are kind of like a save for later but it's also like hey if you wanted to give me something you could do that I need to really clean this up oh some of these are old oh look at that

look at Carol look at Carol from The Walking Dead

MaxSpire Mindfulness and Activity Tracker for iOS and Android I have a list uh oh

Alexwhat's on my list a guitar a lot of books a guitar a pan or a pot. I don't know. Some design stuff.

MerlinThis is pretty standard. You want a Gretsch guitar.

MaxThose are the guitars that all my favorite guitarists play, but I don't know how to play guitar, really. I just know, like, chords.

MerlinWhen we add a 2012, your oldest item is Contributions to Philosophy by Heidegger. It's really fucking boring.

Speaker AOh, Jan Sichol.

MerlinThat guy's great. He's a baller. Who? Oh, the new typography. You should get that. That's a really good book. Yeah. No, honestly, it's a really good read.

MaxOkay.

MerlinYeah. Yeah, I was very into that stuff.

MaxThat's why it's on my wish list.

MerlinI know. I'm going to get you a Gretch. What's my oldest item? Let's see. I did a cleanup a while back. I wonder what my oldest item is. Probably a Sloan album. X-Men and Philosophy.

Wally's Sticker Book. Oh, my God. I got a lot of stuff on here.

AlexMax, how do you feel about the, like, Simpsons? Wow, I bought a Simpsons kick today. Like, Simpsons and Philosophy. Disney and Philosophy.

MaxAll those and philosophy books, like I've been gifted them a lot. So first I'll say I have a lot of friends who write for those because they hire just like grad students to write essays. Someone's like, oh, we should collect, I don't know, like a family guy and philosophy book, and they hire a bunch of grad students to do it. So they're good employers of like philosophy grad students, and I'm happy for what they do. The books aren't very good. I mean that's one of the interesting – I have a great – oh, shit. Let me see if I can find it.

So there's this incredible thing. Here it is. So, oh man, this is too long for me to read the whole thing on the podcast. But there's a great, I think it was like a Reddit AMA or something with a philosopher. And someone asked, what distinguishes a professional philosopher from an amateur? And what can amateurs learn from professionals? And it was so fucking interesting. So I'll just read a couple of these. But he, this is the guy's answer. He says, professionals tend to be able to see several moves ahead in an argument, even those with which they disagree.

This is to some degree from reading other philosophers but mostly from having many, many conversations about the big questions before. In chess terms, you know the opening lines of most positions even if you don't like the position. And then with regard to these like and philosophy books or any sort of like how would I put it, like outsider philosophy or just like cute or themed philosophy or really any sort of secondary literature at all. He says professionals tend to understand that the great historical philosophers were writing in a tradition to other philosophers. Their audience, for the most part,

was not young, untrained, unread intellectuals. So professionals know that one is going to be in for a lot of confusion if someone picks up Kant's critique of pure reason for personal enlightenment. Unfortunately, the expectation that great philosophers will give their readers wisdom is so strong that when it doesn't happen, people get turned off to philosophy. And that's largely how I feel about it. you know there's very few like there's very few like voice in the wilderness like outsiders who have some critical contribution of philosophy

that they just sort of come up with like it's a very you know you start with like Plato you know 2000 years ago and like work your way forward and it's very in a tradition so it's like I get very skeptical of these like secondary literature books and I think a lot of people pick them up and they're like oh I'm gonna like get some wisdom out of like philosophy and friends and you know I love Rachel and I'm gonna see what it says about philosophy and learn some wisdom and they don't really learn anything and then they're frustrated and they're like, I don't like philosophy, I tried it.

MerlinI think a lot of times you take something, you try to combine these two things. You put your chocolate and your peanut butter together and it's frequently a mistake. You're not going to be able to really do a lot with Kant by mashing it up with the family guy or whatever. But I want to share a book that I had when I was a child that I think did this very well. It's the 1977 book, The Force of Star Wars by Frank Allnut, which I sent you a link to. And this is a book that very carefully explains how everything in the first Star

Wars movie, because that's all that was out at the time, is basically a parable for the New Testament. And I'm going to try and find you a little bit of... Go on. Apparently the entire unabridged audiobook is available on YouTube.

AlexOh.

MerlinSo that's something to look at. Basically goes through and talks about how, I mean, basically that Obi-Wan Kenobi, if memory serves, Obi-Wan Kenobi is Jesus. I think maybe Darth Vader was maybe the false prophet.

AlexOh. Huh. Mm-hmm. Man.

MerlinThat would be a good challenge to listen to the audiobook for that.

AlexYou're big into YouTube right now, right?

MerlinYeah, I'm pretty big into YouTube. Of course, the app. Play the music. The app is such a piece of shit.

AlexHave you ever used the CISO app? Don't even get me started. I can't even. I had to download some things I wanted to watch because that fucking app did not work.

MaxThere should be some way. So let's say that you want to watch a TV series, you know, Game of Thrones, right? And the HBO app is just constantly cocking you. And every, oh my God, it's awful. You can never find a series. There's like pre-roll ads for other shows on HBO. shows you're already paying for. I'm a paying goddamn customer.

MerlinAnd the most important stuff you have to do requires these horizontal scrolls in this

Maxtolerance of about five pixels. And then pretty soon you're somewhere else on the screen. And then, God forbid, you want to watch more than one episode in a row. You have to go all the way back to the home screen, scroll, scroll, scroll, select the series, scroll, scroll, scroll. Everything's in a different place.

MerlinAnd then everything's in a different place because they're promoting something different.

MaxThere should be some sort of system, some sort of place on the internet that's not publicly accessible, but where people just sort of post these files of the shows. And then you can download them and put them on your computer and watch them in the way that you choose.

MerlinI'll let you understand what you're saying here. You're saying the idea is that these apps are difficult to use. You take the file that would represent what you would get via the apps and services, but you would have that as a sort of freestanding piece of media that you could watch in a way that you like to watch. It would be a way to do that.

MaxYeah, that's what I'm thinking. I know that that doesn't exist. That would be illegal. But if it did exist, that sounds like it would be a really good system for watching these shows. Because you'd see it and it wouldn't have any of the ads or any of that nonsense.

MerlinYou think we could make money off that?

MaxI mean, this is risky. This is like hiring a hitman to kill your wife on the dark web. It's like all CIA officers. It's all undercover. Every hitman on the internet is an FBI agent. Is that right? I didn't know that. It's 100%.

MerlinThey're all FBI agents. It's like Googling how to do insider trading without being caught.

AlexDid you hear that story? Did you hear that? No.

MerlinOh, God.

AlexI mean, I'm pretty sure I know what the story is. Yeah. Based on the content.

MerlinHow to bury your wife.

AlexSiri did a funny thing for a while where it was like, where do you put the body? It would just take you to an abandoned park.

MaxWhen I get framed by the police for murder, my search history of just constantly looking up serial killers and reading about the methodologies of various serial killers is going to be so suspicious.

MerlinOh, my God. I really don't like to think about it.

AlexSerial killers?

MerlinWhy not? No, no, no. I don't like to think about how... I don't think I have that much that I would be actually that ashamed about, except how it reveals my poor taste, where it would just be like so like comparing like different versions of like the Wonder Woman crown for three hours or something like that. It's like the amount of detail, trying to find an exact quote from a movie or something like it. And just the whole jury would be like, who cares this much about this thing?

AlexI wish Rescue Time could show me how long I spend searching for very obscure GIF. And then I'm like, why is there a spike in my, like why am I using Logic on a Sunday night or Final Cut on Sunday night? I'm like, oh, that's right. I was making a GIF to tweet.

MerlinHave you used GIF wrapped?

AlexYes, because Casey List tells me to use it every day. So now I do. It's pretty good.

MerlinIt's on my pound sign list a little bit, but it's good for what it does. And I think they're trying to introduce new things, but it's handy. And you know what's neat is, because, did we talk about this already? It's just using Dropbox for the storage. so you can go in on your Macintosh and go. I like to give everything a name that'll make it sortable so all my Parks and Recs will stay together.

AlexOh, so you're a gift saver.

MerlinWell, just for the ones I use a lot, like Ron Swanson with headphones, drinking scotch, and nodding. I got to use that a lot. That's critical to my workflow.

I can't read Next Door this week because it's all sadness. There's been a lot of coyote attacks. Nope. They got a pupper. They got a pupper.

AlexIt wasn't Big Dog or Little Dog, right?

MerlinNo, Big Dog or Little Dog are fine. Oh, good. It was a dog on a pupper. One lady had to fight it off by kicking at it. Almost hitting it with the kickings.

Speaker AOh, no. Oh, no. Dingle and dingle.

MerlinSomebody got Bella.

AlexOh, no. Oh, no.

MerlinThey got Bella. Isn't that sad? See, that's not even funny. I'm not going to read that.

AlexNo, don't.

MerlinCoyotes. Yep, Golden Gate Park. It's lousy with coyotes.

AlexI just have a lot of now looking for part-time nanny posts. And it's like, what are you doing that this is where you're putting? I mean, I guess people actually use your Nextdoor app, and it seems like people know each other. But on mine, it's basically a Craigslist. People are selling random stuff. And there's the one guy who posts the police reports every month. And that's the only thing in crime and safety, because nothing happens in my neighborhood except, was that gunshots or fireworks? It's always fireworks.

MerlinThere's so much gunshots. It's gunshots, people checking cars, attempted break-ins. Watch out for Prime Day. It's Prime stealing off your porch day. There's a lot of that. Loud bangs in Golden Gate Park. Urgent, urgent. Small fire at Dingle and Dingle. Better safe than sorry. Car broken into at Dingle and Dingle. Car break-in. SFPD Pride safety tips from Lieutenant Troy Dangerfield.

He's got a link. Let's see. What are some good safety tips for Pride?

MaxYou may know me from such films. Always remember to park on a well-lit street so people don't steal your spark plugs.

MerlinHi, I'm Dusty Baker.

MaxI want to talk to you today about Pride. Oh my God. Did you guys read the oral history of Planet of the Apes, the musical on The Simpsons? Oh, I haven't read it yet.

MerlinI instant-papered it.

MaxIt's so fucking funny. It's so good. And then I re-watched it, and it's the most brilliant bit of comedy.

MerlinDoesn't somebody breakdance at one point?

MaxI hate every chimp I see from chimpanzee to chimpanzee.

MerlinDr. Zayas, Dr. Zayas.

Speaker ADr. Zayas, Dr. Zayas. It's so good. Help us, Dr. Zayas.

MerlinYou know what's good is The Simpsons.

AlexAre we going to do the challenge this week? Oh, fuck. Doug-a-dig-a-dug-a-dig-a-dug.

MerlinDo you guys want to start over? Should we start over? Yeah, yeah. Hey, everybody.

AlexHey, Berlin.

MerlinHey, how's it going, everybody? It's breakout star David's penis. Good. Did you guys go to the zoo per our challenge? I did. I went to the zoo.

Speaker AI didn't go to the zoo.

AlexDid you go to the zoo, Max? We'll get to that. We'll get to that later. No, I didn't go to the zoo.

MaxOh, what happened? How did you fail to go to the zoo?

AlexWell, it was a beautiful weekend here in Chicago. I'm like, ah, let's go to Lincoln Park. And we drive to the Lincoln Park Zoo, which is a free zoo in Chicago. It's amazing. It's wonderful. And then the parking situation there, like all the children. And I'm like, we don't need to do this. And so we drove to the Shedd Aquarium. And it was apparently a free day. Oh, no. You gotta check for free day. Always check for free day. I know. And so then we decided to go see Spider-Man instead.

Oh. But, and the reason I wasn't able to get into the Shed Aquarium on free day is because I realized my membership expired. So in the spirit of the challenge, I renewed my Chicago Shed Aquarium membership so I can go see my beluga whale friends whenever I want. Although beluga whales are not whales.

Speaker AHmm. They're fish.

AlexI think that counts. And the porpoises there are not dolphins. They're definitely porpoises, even though they're... My feeling... Max, did you go to a zoo?

MaxHell yeah. You went to a real zoo zoo? Yeah, we went to the Munich Zoo. We went with like three babies.

AlexOh, so you look normal there.

MaxYeah.

AlexGood. What were your impressions of the zoo?

MaxWell, the German zoo was like very clean and very beautifully designed and very considerate in the way that it was like laid out. The signage was great. All the German names for animals were hilarious. Like they call elephants like the nose horn. It was called like the nose horn boys or something like that.

Shit, there was like a bat house that you went in. Oh, shit. Fuck. I have a video for you guys. Hang on. I'll put it in the double secret channel. There's a bat place that you go in, and it was called... Deflater Mouse. Deflater Mouse. It was. Yeah. It was like the Flater Mouse grotto or something. It means flying mouse, right? It was just the flying mouse house. That was what it was called. It was fucking hilarious once we realized what it was called. But this mouse thing, it was one of the most horrifying...

Or mouse thing. The bat thing. one of the most horrifying experiences of my life. Oh, really? Let me send this to the Double Secret channel, and I'll hold it up to the mic and play it so you guys can play it and we can listen to it together.

AlexOh, no. No, no, no, no. No. No. No. Oh, my God. Oh.

Speaker AOh, my God.

AlexOh. Why is Veronica laughing when I'm being chased by bats?

MerlinThis is horrible. This is so horrible. This is like a found video.

AlexThis is scarier than the Blair Witch Project and the...

MerlinYeah, I know I hear him. It's haunted. This is haunted. I don't like this. I don't like the green light. I don't like the darkness. I don't like Veronica laughing. I hate all of it.

MaxOh, they're just touching your head, too. Oh, my God. Like the downdraft from their wings is on the back of your neck, and you can't really see anything. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Because they kept flying. They were like their little talons were dragging over my hair. Oh, my God.

MerlinAnd the thing is, if they're hitting you with their talons, but not just straight up fucking running into your head, they know what they're doing they know what they're doing they know they're fucking with the proles with those tiny little claws fuck that

Maxit's not an attack they're just firing a shot across the bow no it's like a cat rubbing up against you

Merlinthey think it's fun

Alexif you ever took a foreign language class was a big draw the like oh here's what the Germans call this is what the Germans would call moo like that that's oh yeah yeah that's a great so so in german a cow is ma or block in and then

Merlina dog is wow or wolf oh god that's so bad okay so i forgot a web page there's a name for bees

Maxbrubbin or something in indonesian apparently a dog a dog says guck guck guck yeah a bird is

AlexThat's not what a dog sounds like.

MerlinNo. A tortoise is a shield toad. A raccoon is a wash bear. A slug is a naked snail. A bat is a flutter mouse. A seal is a sea dog. A squid is an ink fish. Platypus is a beak animal.

MaxIn Japan, the sound a mouse makes is choo, choo, choo, choo, choo. That's problematic.

AlexA pig in German says grouls, grouls.

MaxIn Italian, a mouse goes squeet, squeet, squeet.

Speaker AScoot, squeot.

MerlinI know we're offending someone somewhere. How to name, probably Casey. How to name animals in German.

MaxIn Turkish, a duck goes like this. Vac, vac, vac. Wait, why in French a duck goes coin? What? What? That can't be right. In French a duck goes coin, coin, coin, coin. A porcupine.

MerlinA porcupine. A porcupine. A porcupine. A porcupine is a water pig. A porcupine is a spiny pig. A sloth is a lazy animal.

AlexA horse goes, why, hern?

MerlinSay that again.

AlexWhy, hern?

MaxWhy, hern? A hippo is a river horse. Oh, the frog noises are good, too. In Hungarian, the frog goes, brr-k-k-k-k-k-k. Oh, I like that. Brr-k-k-k-k-k-k. And in Japanese, the frog goes, kiro-kiro, kiro-kiro, kiro-kiro.

AlexThese are just great anime characters.

MaxIn Korean, the frog goes, Gagool, Gagool. Gagool, Gagool. That sounds like the meat that they eat on The Sopranos. I think it's the kind of meat that's upsetting David Brooks' high school friend.

MerlinBecause they don't know about Gagool.

MaxThey want to go to Mexico. I took my uneducated friend into the store. can you fucking imagine having lunch with David Brooks it would be insufferable this man clearly obviously first of all this entire anecdote is completely made up but if it wasn't made up can you imagine how awful it would be to have lunch with him he's like I took my uneducated like rube of a friend into this restaurant and everyone there was ordering gay ghoul and he was like what is this and I was like let's just go to an Arby's they got the meat

MerlinI just found out I just found out our Arby's closed, and I was so sad.

AlexWhere are you going to get your curly fries?

MerlinI'm allowed to have Arby's once a year, and so we went to the grocery store near the Arby's the other day, and I said, I'll help you put the groceries in, and then I'm going to walk over and get the Arby's. And it's closed. It's a AAA now. I had to text my wife. I had to text my wife, no more Arby's. Meet you at the car.

I've never been to an Arby's.

MaxWhat do you get there?

AlexI get curly fries, and that's about it. There's a lot of meat situation.

MerlinGet a Jamocha shake.

AlexIt seems like, oh, so I know that you would never do this, Max, but what sort of like European fast food did you encounter, if any?

MaxOh, we did peek inside of, you know, I wanted to check out like a McDonald's and a Burger King because there's always some funny stuff on the menus. And we really just did not have time on the trip, unfortunately. But when I was in Japan, we ate at a McDonald's and it was fucking wild. There was like a shrimp burger, and we got it in the airport. Oh, that's cool. It was just oozing with sauce. It was like the sauciest. You just opened up the foil of this shrimp burger, and it was just sauce, like immediately flowing.

Sauce all day. Oh, it was just cold. It was like an au jus. It was just everywhere, but it was like a mayo.

MerlinDid you go to the zoo, Merlin? I did. My daughter had camp at the zoo all of last week, And so I would pick her up several days, not every day. But anyway, yeah. And so on the last day, we then had a wonderful afternoon just walking on the zoo. And she was telling me everything she learned. She showed me how they'd renovated the petting zoo area. I got a bunch of pictures I could send you. I met an alpaca with my same name.

They have two alpacas. Merlin made alpaca. They have an alpaca named Gandalf and an alpaca named Merlin. And I got to see them. and I got a picture of the zoo lady with Merlin. I can send you.

MaxWe rode on a little puffer. Did the alpaca have a productivity podcast?

MerlinSure did. Had a bunch of index cards and a binder clip. And we had actually legit one of the top- Hipster PVA. I hate my success.

Leave the bag in front of the door.

Maxdid you pack did you pack binder clips for the window shades

Merlinappend a document um so what else i got some we saw some ranchos uh we rode on the train uh it was we had a really nice day the uh the koalas were unusually uh animated it was a really really nice day but let me just pivot to my general feeling about zoos which is very much like my general feeling about circuses which i find them impossibly sad and i've never agree i i

mean like i have fun at the zoo one problem is our zoo i've said this before but one problem with our zoo is no matter where you go anywhere in the zoo you're pretty sure you're standing behind whatever you're supposed to be looking at there is no like front of house at our zoo everything looks like the old mall at our zoo. They took away our elephants. This is in show notes. They took away our elephants because most of them died within one year from lack of care. And then the other ones had to be taken off to some Sierra sanctuary to be like taken away from the

zoo. Somebody was I believe killed by a tiger on Christmas Day a few years ago. So our zoo's had some problems. It's just that ever since I was a little kid, something about the zoo and not always obvious things has made me very melancholy. And I don't know why that is. It's not just like, oh, that's sad pacing.

MaxMost American zoos, the idea that animals in a zoo should live in an environment that looks like their natural environment is a very modern idea in zoos.

It's probably my favorite audio thing, like episode of a podcast ever, is this 99PI episode called The Wild Ones. and it's readings from this book with my friend Chris Funk from the Decemberists recorded all this music.

MerlinYou don't know Chris Funk.

MaxYou don't know him.

AlexI know Chris Funk. I know Chris Funk. You drop.

MaxChris makes tabletop games.

AlexYou name drop people all day. Man, you're a nice band. I? I? Did you know that I not only work for Cards Against Humanity, but I know award-winning game decider, 30 under 30 candidate winner, Max Temkin.

MaxAnyway, everyone listen to The Wild Ones. It has this incredible bit about conservation and zoos and the history of zoos. And it's very, I mean, this episode, it's so funny and sad and wistful. And I totally get what you're saying about a feeling of melancholy. And if I go to a really nice zoo, a modern zoo, where the animals are in good habitats and they're well cared for. I don't feel quite as sad. But there is something sad about it. It's a feeling of like, this is all that's left.

MerlinThat's why I say sad is too on the nose. Melancholy, not even bittersweet, melancholy. I mean, there's certain kinds of things I can be very specific about, which is I get, it's sort of like me and feeling bad about my clothes and which shirt I picked when I was a kid. Same feelings here. We're in a little bit of OCD of like strange numbers of animals in this one area. And I'm like, I wonder if they make friends. I wonder if one of them feels left out. Or like learning that, I'll never forget seeing a plaque in the birdhouse at the Cincinnati Zoo,

explaining that this is the place where the last passenger pigeon in the entire world died. You're standing in the place, you're standing in the place basically where a species went extinct. And they had a little, I almost want to cry. I'm thinking about it now. Extinct animals made me very sad as a child. But I'm looking at this plaque with this grainy black and white photo of the last living passenger pigeon. And I still think about it. It made me so incredibly sad. And there's just something. Have you heard this documentary, The Wild Ones?

I'm going to say not. I've listened to a lot of that show. I like it a lot.

MaxThe music is so good. The storytelling is so good. It's so sad and so interesting. You will fucking love this thing so much. It's so good.

AlexI think I know exactly what fucked me up with zoos is that I have memories of watching Free Willy 2 and Flipper before I ever have memories of going to the zoo. So immediately, the whole plot of those movies is like, this is terrible. Get them out of there.

MaxAt the German zoo, we saw these snow, I think they're snow horses. They're like horses that are like donkeys or something that live in the snow. and what they were called the sign in German said they were called Erwildfurt Preswalski Preswalski was the name of the animal

Speaker Aand that sounded really it sounded like a detective

Maxon the wire to me like Preswalski get your ass in here I need your badge and gun on my desk by the end of the day you're fucking done here Preswalski

Speaker Astarting in August you're a teacher

Maxand then just a sad horse clops out

MerlinDid you guys get the photo of where the ranchos are? The tarantula display is in a building that says pachyderms on it. Because that's where we can't have elephants anymore. And it still says pachyderms.

MaxI like that the elephants all died and they had to evacuate them. But they've tried to fix it with some upbeat branding. They're big. They're hairy. But are they scary? Tarantulas. Enter here. Special exhibit.

MerlinOh, here's an article from 2009. No elephants at zoo again ever. The zoo's been elephant free since 2005. After half of the zoo's elephants died or were euthanized and the survivor was trucked off to the Sierra foothills where it later collapsed and died. That led city supervisors to pass a law saying the zoo may not have another element until the zoo builds a 15 acre enclosure.

Speaker AOh, God.

Merlinit's all it's near the beach they don't have that many acres i don't think

Alexi mean you could see on orcas and on some other dolphin like their dorsal fins flop over because they're sexually so sad like they they have found a physical way to show us how upset they are and

Merlinoh god oh read a read a very uplifting report of the elephant elephant's habitat and how they suffered from such ailments as peg leg and ingested sand while walking around their pachyderm house.

MaxSure. Sometimes I'm so happy that I eat a bunch of sand.

AlexI'm never sad when I see pandas in zoos because I'm like, you belong there.

MerlinPandas are so sweet, Alex. You think they're not smart,

Alexright? No.

MerlinYou think they're useless?

AlexThey're completely useless. and we should domesticate them and ride them around.

MerlinThis is your Pawnee and salad. This is your thing where I'm not your libraries, where I'm not sure why you feel this strongly about it, but it's clearly on brand for you. You fucking hate pandas.

AlexBecause we should be saving manatees and animals that contribute to the ecosystem, but no, we just give money to fucking pandas that are totally useless. I do not want pandas to die.

MerlinOh, it's like a high school dropout with a PlayStation 2 just floating in a pool eating fucking cabbage all day. Nobody needs a manatee. Manatees are a play. Do you know what they do to the boating industry every year?

MaxYeah, yeah, fucking. Yeah, with their Mike Cernovich smooth brains.

AlexI hate skiing. Listen, if you've ever touched a manatee, let me tell you, you can look at pictures of manatees all day long. but once you're in its presence, it's very magical.

MerlinIt's not enough to just see a copy of it. You've got to see it in the flesh, right?

AlexYeah. It's like a David. Something comes over you. I don't know.

MerlinIt's just funny because I don't mean to make this all about the circus, but it is a lot like the circus where there's something basically, there's all kinds of things that I think are very, and I'm not trying to do an internet bit here, but I honestly do. The circus has made me sad since I was a very, very young child. And as long as we're sharing wonderful experiences, we had some friends who were much more successful than us and they had those suites you can get I guess they do this everywhere now it was a big deal in Cincinnati when our hockey arena got those big suites with the sliding doors and bedrooms and a bar and all that stuff

you get a fancy suite we went there one time to go see the Russian circus was in town and we got these beautiful seats but the thing was from where we were we could see the stuff it was basically at a 90 degree angle so we could see everything that was happening on stage and we could see everything that was happening backstage. And I watched a man beat the shit out of a bear for two minutes and I still can't get the image out of my head. And so I think about, well, that's what I've seen.

Maybe he was just trying to milk him for his bile. Well, you know, maybe he was Compromont.

AlexYou were seriously scarred by animal experiences. This is where the last pigeon died. What are you going to go without?

MaxI mean, you see, everyone says how horrible, everyone loves to complain, but what, are you going to go without bear bile? How will I get my half erections? Yeah, how else are you going to get a boner?

34. The Duck Goes Coin Coin

Show notes

Transcript

34. The Duck Goes Coin Coin

Show notes

Transcript

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