33. The Alp Got ‘Em

AlexThis is Do By Friday, the weekly challenge podcast with Merlin Mann, Alex Cox and Max Temkin. This week's challenge, pack a bag for Italy.

MaxHello.

AlexHello.

MaxAll right, hang on. I have to figure out how to make this play through the speakerphone.

AlexAre you in your fancy German car?

MerlinYes.

AlexOh. Hey, Merlin, how are you?

MerlinHey, buddy, how are you?

AlexI am so excited.

MerlinI am curious about your excitement.

AlexIt's just been a big week.

MerlinYou threatened us on our super secret private channel.

AlexI didn't threaten. I was a little worked up. I was a little just, I'm just excited to arbitrarily yell at each other about our decisions that don't affect anyone else. Because it's just something that I like to do on the internet. You do like that.

MerlinYou millenniums love to bring this kind of trouble on yourself. I'll never understand it.

AlexYeah. Yeah.

MerlinI got roofers.

AlexI heard.

Merlinthey're really they're really they're really they're really chowing down today there's a lot of repeated banging they haven't used a leaf blower but now they've brought a truck

Alexand they got the orange tube they seem nice did you listen to that program the program where you uh discussed your the guys your guys yeah yeah i'm so i'm so do you listen to that regularly Yes.

MerlinWow, that's so cool.

AlexNo, no, no, no. I like you. Listen, I feel like...

MerlinI like you too, Alex. You guys, you millenniums, you don't accept affection. You're suspicious of being loved. Admit it. Admit it. You're suspicious. Listen to that noise you're making right now. Yeah. That's your heart. That's your heart breaking.

Alexit's definitely not you know like a decade of you know bullying and internalized misogyny none of it oh no I'm totally into the misogyny

Merlinyou guys are the worst but is it my challenge this week

Alexit is it is indeed

Merlinbut this is the show I might make you guys listen to compliments for an hour I'm not gonna do any challenge

Maxthis week

Merlinyeah you are you're really good at challenges max you're a very successful entrepreneur and everyone likes you okay you have great taste in music you're a handsome man um i would change

Maxthe glasses so i think it's clear i think it's clear that the um falcon car is not going to work out for me you sound fine but um uh i have a new car that i think i'm gonna get oh okay can i can you guys look it up yeah yes okay it's called a twizzy t-w-i-z-y this is my new car is that the

Merlinis that the home camera that gives treats to your cat oh it's a oh the twizzy look at that

Maxno but i could drive in this car with my cat look at it so what is it so it's like okay so so this is essentially this is my new vehicle um i'm a large man in a small vehicle there's nothing humorous about this situation.

MerlinIt's like if a Segway had intercourse with Ultron. Yeah, it's like

Maxa smart car, but you know the Italians have looked at the smart car and they've gone, this is much too big for our streets, much too big. And they've sort of bisected it lengthwise. It's a cut in half hot dog style. And then it's just half of a smart car with four wheels. And it's not even wide enough to fit the wheel bed of four standard wheels so the wheels sort of jut out of the sides.

Speaker AIt looks like a sexy lawnmower.

AlexIf anybody has seen the program Silicon Valley on HBO, the car that Peter Gregory drives, like, this is not that much of an exaggeration of what,

Speaker Blike, this is pretty much that car.

MaxCan I get this car? No! No! Pros and cons. Pros and cons.

MerlinOh, no, you need to, well, first of all, I got to tell you, the Calculate Finance calculator is down on the renaudakota.uk site but this is it's it's 7 000 pounds which i think is about 400 american you should get a couple you should get you should get a flight of these you should like

Maxelvis like elvis would buy pickup trucks well okay what about this office hagrid this is how they get around they get to your office how do they get there in a twizzy i was gonna say i take

Alexback everything i said this should be the official uh company fleet of cars and like we god i just

Maxwe all need to come to work on these we really only have like the three parking spots up front and we could fit like a hundred of these in there you guys you have to go look at this you got to go

Merlinsearch for twizy this car is very i wouldn't even call this a car this is very very small

Maxcan you get them in the u.s do they have some sort of link of like purchasing in the u.s do you order online in a shopping cart like amazon i think so i think you

Merlincan just it's for if you get uh free shipping if it's over 25 france's funkiest car finally

Alexhits america yes yes it does indeed it does of all the words funky is not what i would describe this that's like when they tried to make the kia soul into a cool like rapper car like it was like all the cools are driving no my new whip

Maxhave you actually driven this max no i've just uh we've i've seen them driven people drive these around in italy there's a lot of uh little smart cars and motorcycles and stuff and um i see these and every time one of them goes by i think that's the coolest thing i've ever seen i i really want to get one of these and drive it around chicago and then people and People would be like, ooh, there goes that guy with that weird tiny car.

AlexI bet in their head they'd be like, you know, that car really looks like something called a Twizy.

MerlinIt's rebranded in the U.S. as the Nissan Scoot.

MaxNo!

MerlinIs it really? Yeah, it says Scoot on the side.

MaxI would yell that. You actually, it doesn't have a horn. You just have to yell that at people when you're in traffic. Scoot!

Speaker AScoot! Scoot!

MerlinExcuse me. My other car is also a scoot.

MaxOh, my God. Merlin, jump in the scoot. Let's go to Dub Dub. I can't get my doggo in the scoot for Dub Dub.

Speaker ADub Dub. Dub Dub.

MerlinI don't think we've addressed this for our audience yet, but in as much as you're comfortable sharing your location, Max, could you tell our listeners where you are right now? I don't want to compromise my operational security. Wait a minute.

MaxAre these people honking at me? Am I the one I'm honking at? Okay. I'm with Veronica. We're in Italy, which is a country in Europe. And we're driving around. We're actually leaving Italy right now. So we're on the highway and we're crossing into, we're driving up to Switzerland and we're going to spend the night in this town called Lugano. And then we're going to drive up to Germany. Wow.

MerlinIs she allowed to talk? Can we say hi to Veronica? I've never talked to Veronica.

Speaker BHi guys. Hi Veronica.

Speaker AOh my God. She's real. I figured you were like a blow up girl or something. This is so cool. Hi Veronica.

Speaker BI have no blob.

Speaker AHow's the Alps?

Speaker BLovely.

MaxRight now we're in a sort of a line of like a toll line to like get the ticket to get on the tollway. And everyone's just honking. Italians, they love honking. There's more honking here than in Chicago.

They roll their windows down. Hey, scoot!

AlexI've always wondered like who standardized the honk? Like, why, it would just, you know, like the credit card machines now that, like, oh, you did the right thing.

Why can't it just be like bloop bloop? And I would love it if I was just driving down the road and someone was like, scoot, scoot, in a nice way instead of.

MaxOkay, what about some sort of, you know how we love on this program, we love IoT connected home devices. and we had our Pavlox, which were the sort of smart devices that we could trigger to shock each other to administer just a small but irritating electrical shock. Okay, what about this scenario? What if there was some sort of Internet of Things cars where instead of honking, it would sort of administer a mild electrical shock to a car that you could target in your vicinity?

MerlinThat's a good idea.

MaxBut it would be microtransaction-based. So you'd pay...

MerlinOh, you could Venmo somebody a shock or whatever the equivalent is.

MaxEvery time you use the scoot net, you'd pay me 25 cents.

MerlinThat's pretty good. You get wuffy. The more you use it, and then you get the, what they call it, the network effect, right? And you could power the car through the electric shocks, maybe.

MaxRight. Now, why will people adopt this? Why will they install it in their car? Because it's definitely a fetish. That is...

MerlinI was a very bad driver. Scoot, scoot. You can attach it to your balls, you know?

AlexSo quickly, like, I feel like this hasn't been addressed. As soon as self-driving cars, like, people are very excited, like, oh, I can read on my way to work. No, everybody, like, all men are going to be masturbating on their way to work. I don't know.

Speaker AWait, what do you do when you read? It's the new shaving.

AlexLike, there's got to be, I'm sure, like, my problematic boyfriend, Elon Musk, is like, okay. he's like developing some way to turn cum into a battery like there's gotta be some you know

Speaker Afloors, floors, floors I love floors I love my floors because apparently he's Goldfinger

Alexhe's a very handsome man

uh max what so you've been taking a lot of pictures of sunsets which i which i really really appreciate uh as well as pictures of penises from the renaissance i think i actually don't know anything about italian history or uh like any of the places you're going what's what's like the coolest place you've been or the coolest food you've eaten i know that you eat food uh

MaxWell, I didn't know anything about Italian culture either, or history, really, but I've been here for six days, and we watched some YouTube videos, so I'm prepared to answer 100% of your questions.

As you know, Italy is a small province. No, it's a peninsula. It's in the Mediterranean.

MerlinMax, quick question. Is it a land of contrast, do you think?

MaxOh, absolutely. You got a Vizcaya over here, you got a Vizcaya over there. They have both wheat, which they make their signature dish called a pasta with. And they have corn, or as the American Indians called it, maize.

AlexI'm learning so much.

MaxSo we, so I don't know, we flew into Rome, and we spent a couple days in Rome. And Rome is very much based around ancient history, I would say. So, like, we saw the Colosseum and some other stuff that I forgot the name of that's, you know, a lot of, like, pillars and stuff. And it's cool. It's amazing. It's incredible. One of the things that kept coming up as a theme, this is very, I feel like John Roderick here. I'm, like, holding forth on historical matters about Europe.

So one of the things that was cool was the ancient Romans knew how to do all this stuff, like, build domes. And then everyone forgot. Right. And so they were like people like look the ancient people for like thousands of years looked at the ancient Romans and they were like trying to they were like these people were geniuses like they were the greatest people who ever lived. And then there was the Renaissance in like 1500 and all these people like Christopher Columbus and Michelangelo and some other.

AlexAll the great Ninja Turtles.

MaxAnd so they were like, people like, look, the ancient, people for like thousands of years looked at the ancient Romans and they were like, trying to, they were like, these people were geniuses. You got Donatello Perspective.

Speaker AThey were the greatest people who ever lived.

MaxAnd then there was the Renaissance in like 1500. And all these people like Christopher Columbus and Michelangelo and some other folks are maybe like more Renaissance based.

MerlinDo they have a Duomo? Is that where they have a Duomo?

Maxyes yeah it was I mean Rome I think so like when you know we flew in and we were like jet lagged and we did just sort of like a forced march of like tours through like ancient Roman stuff and it was good because it like forced us to be awake and like you know we got some like travel energy out of the way and then we went to Florence and like chilled out a little bit more and Florence is a fucking great city I could 100% I could live in Florence it's like it's like just the right mix of like quiet and exciting, amazing food.

It's like, it's literally picturesque. You can literally just point your camera in a direction and pull the trigger and it's an incredible picture. And there were like magical moments of like, I was like, I did a little Periscope last night, but we were just like walking, looking for basically a square, like a palazzo to have dinner in. And, you know, there's these like outdoor cafes and you just sit there for five hours and like, drink apricot brandy and eat pasta. And we sit there and read our books and have a long dinner.

And we start hearing music, and we walk into this huge plaza, and it's like the one outside with all the classical sculptures and the replica of David outside, all lit up in the night. And there's just a bunch of children playing classical music, like the most beautiful classical music. And it was just, it's like, it's like, it was like very Disney. It was like, this was like engineered. It all seemed very expensive. It seemed like it was just set up right for us to walk into.

AlexYou walk into a different corridor and there's a specific smell.

Speaker AYou go to the character breakfast.

AlexI'm curious. Not that I would know that you had been to the Sistine Chapel based on like a picture you took. Because there's no pictures in the Sistine Chapel. but did they give you a slight a short lecture about how that if you were to eat any bread there it did indeed need to have gluten because that's that's i don't know if you've been keeping up with the news but that's a big thing oh you've been to the vatican and john spicer hasn't

Maxoh i wonder how it feels about what are you talking about oh yeah did the trump russia

Alexstory finally die uh well i don't know i don't know what you could be talking about but the pope officially said all eucharistic hosts must contain gluten there can be uh gmos but you there can be no gluten-free hosts yeah and that was the biggest thing that happened in world news this week

Maxwas there any sort of reasoning behind that uh no that's i think that's where all the jesus is the

Merlinjesus is in the is in the gluten probably yeah i think the pope is not above the occasion with all due respect i think he's not not above the occasional slightly arbitrary statement i doubt there's anything in the aramaic about gluten but i don't know i can't read aramaic i'm not mel gibson

Maxhey alex i'm um uh at the uh i forgot to mention but at the office i'm expecting this package uh could you keep an eye out for it it's gonna be the uh it's um uh no reason uh it's just these huge stone tablets these are biblical passages and um the the uh from address will not be filled

Alexout all right all right it could be for anyone yeah it just says it just says i swear it's tiles

Merlindefinitely commercial flooring

Alexmerlin have you been getting a lot of like uh i'm i'm genuinely curious curious because now if you google email just other things might come up that aren't necessarily directly related to the product of email but are suddenly is 43 folders getting a ton of hits i don't know i don't even

Merlinknow where to find it anymore all right i'm really i'm really overwhelmed by by email making a comeback i thought we were done with this i really did it's it's um oh max you're you're not missing out buddy you are not missing out this week it's uh no i see i i i i i but even then even then if you want to go take the somebody like had a whole article about taking that email conversation and turning into something that you could read on a page and i'm like yeah exactly it's it's a mess don't email anybody just stop emailing people we have to stop the email it has to end i'm

Maxcontemplating when i get back not even just deleting all my email without even looking at it If it's important, they'll email me again.

MerlinI am totally on board with that. I am totally. This is something I was at MG Siegler who did this at one point. He was just like, I'm just not going to do email anymore. I'm just not going to do it. And I don't know. I still find that my email volume has gone way, way down over the years. Because I think I have people pretty scared. And also people don't use it much. And it is funny because email is the bozo bit in some ways. Okay, hang on.

MaxI have to get a ticket.

MerlinOkay.

MaxOh, all right.

MerlinRequest receipt? Are you using an Italian machine?

Maxuh oh oh no okay hang on there's a spot for a credit card okay eat your card

Merlinno be careful make sure there's no skimmer the robot has an accent the robot has an accent oh

Maxno no no i think it wants me to put something in that i don't have 180

Speaker AIs that a Lyra? Oh, that's a pretty voice.

MaxHmm. Uh-oh.

MerlinOh, no.

MaxI got one of my cards. Hang on.

MerlinI think you've been hacked.

Speaker BOkay, I'll just narrate over here. Hey, Veronica!

AlexIs it like an American-type toll booth? What's happening? Can you illustrate the scene?

Speaker BSo we just got through it, but it's like a toll booth, and some of the toll booths on this road just give you a ticket, and then you pay later. So it marks where you entered the highway, right?

MerlinOh, like a turnpike.

Speaker BYeah, this one wanted us to give it money right away, and we got really confused. So it didn't like my car.

MaxThese people, there's not a word of English on any of this stuff. They've got a whole fucking civilization here, and they don't speak English to each other. They've built all these buildings and all these highways, and they do it all with their little squawks and beeps. Maybe they forgot. Maybe they forgot how to speak English.

MerlinIt's the 1400s all over again.

MaxThey're bringing the coins. They're just not even money. They're just trading each other valueless little slips of paper. It's good.

Merlinthe whole civilization can you try to reason with it

Maxwe honestly we really haven't had a lot of trouble i uh just uh waving um euros around and then the four words of italian that i picked up like si no grazie this could be a kobayashi

Merlinmaru type situation max maybe maybe they're challenging you to see whether you're worthy of Alps. Maybe you're supposed to hack the system. Then you eat an apple.

AlexI lost half of that reference, but I can't stop imagining the little Italian machine.

MerlinIt's probably, I don't want to be racist, but it's probably a mechanical Turk. There's probably a tiny Turkish man in there who's talking in a fake

Maxlady's accent. Put into your money! I tried to rent a small, I tried to, here's the thing. We haven't been driving around like Roman Florence. We've just been driving to these cities, parking the car, and then walking like, you know, fucking human beings. These cities are notoriously awful to drive in. I mean, they're all like one-way little cobblestone things with like bikes and motorcycles just like zipping up and down.

AlexI mean, you'd know that if you'd watch the Lizzie McGuire movie like

MerlinI've told you to. Or Roman Holiday. You should see if you can get Roman Holiday on YouTube. It might be super helpful.

MaxUm, but, uh, uh, so I tried to pick a car that would like, you know, for like the actual,

Speaker Ais that what I want?

MaxNo. Okay, straight. I tried to pick a car for like the actual drive that we're doing through the Swiss Alps that would be like a good, safe four wheel drive car. So I, I got this like a BMW five series. And then when we got to the thing at the airport, they didn't have that. So they upgraded us to a seven series and it's an extremely nice car. But, uh, this car is like a fat ass. Like it's hard to drive around these. It's not pleasant driving around these streets. I got the full insurance, so I'm okay to scratch the sides.

Making good use of that full insurance package.

AlexI'm trying to see the difference between a 5 and a 7. Oh yeah, this is like a scoot, scoot car.

Speaker AIt's two more.

AlexYeah.

Speaker ATwo more BMWs.

MaxThey just trail behind. I feel like a regular Marco Arment in this car

MerlinIs it black?

MaxIt is actually Is this what he had? Is this what Marco got?

MerlinI don't know, I think he's got a special bespoke black BMW It cuts people off in traffic for you BMW 7 Series Oh, that's a big boy, look at that Future of luxury is here Sophisticated performance A new era of the No, I don't want, you know my location BMW you know how we feel about being on germans lists i don't want to be on a german list

Maxmajor uh european uh toilet uh discussion i have a couple of i have a couple of items for follow-up follow-up number one um the first hotel we stayed in in rome they did not have in the hotel room rolls of toilet paper there was no roll of toilet paper we didn't discuss this did you notice this How do you not discuss that?

MerlinIs it possible that all of Europe is a Kobayashi Maru scenario?

MaxI forgot about it until now. Okay, so instead of rolls of toilet paper, they have like a little plastic dispenser, almost like it would look like, you know, like a thing you'd get soap out of, and it dispensed little individually folded squares of toilet paper. So each one was like a C-fold paper napkin that you'd get at a restaurant, but it was toilet paper material. and honestly I didn't mind it, it wasn't bad it saved me the work of having to rip the toilet paper myself are you kidding?

you didn't like it? no why didn't you like it?

Speaker Bum it was rough, one

Maxwell the quality of toilet paper in a hotel I mean yeah, it's not been great

Speaker Byeah, but also like imagine like wiping with tissues it was just one at a time It was weird.

AlexWell, yeah, and you kind of have to, like, make a different estimate in your mind, I feel like. Oh, I had no idea.

MaxI had no idea when I would be done.

AlexIt was wild. Oh, wait, wait, wait. Did you do, like, one at a time, or did you just gob it up? Yeah, no, you'd go one. You'd go one. You'd try a couple. Yeah. I never.

MerlinThat's like eating your pasta one strand at a time. Max, are you a folder or a water by nature?

MaxOh. Oh, fold, fold, fold. there's not even this can't possibly be a debate what could you do with the wad oh don't get

Merlinliterally don't get me started oh my god merlin are you a water i'm a folder i'm a gentleman i'm

Maxdoing a nice little fold people wad it's like have you ever painted a have you ever done like that a paint like an arts and crafts project when you're a kid where you took a sea sponge and you dip it into paint and you make sort of a model texture with it yeah no that that that's

Merlinno that's no way to paint that canvas no sir you're you're just smearing it you're just getting

Maxit you're just putting you're getting it everywhere no that's not painting alex am i getting the

Alexfeeling you're a closet water no i well i will say though i have on occasion wadded but only because i've been in situations where there was there was no folding in like there was just it was just not happening like like we've discussed before it's a rite of passage that at some point you're going to use off-brand Scott toilet paper for your ass. And it's very uncomfortable and horrible. But there's just, like, you've never been in a concert venue where it's like you cannot make those little squares happen. It's just, like, it's time, it's physics.

There's so many factors. And you're right. But the trick there is just to use, like, three times as much WOD. But I guess that's how you get Fatbergs.

MaxYou know what I like about the concert venue when you sit down in the toilet stall? they have those huge rolls of toilet paper like a wheel of parmesan cheese and they've got two of them one on top of the other i'm very comforted by that when i sit down in that stall i'm like

Merlinokay we're i can work with this you're well you're well equipped for whatever comes up

Alexyeah yep i don't want to be normative here but this brings up the fact that you you guys have been sitting at a con who shits at a concert why like when you go to like a convention when we go

Maxto a convention yes i've unfortunately i've had to shit at conventions yeah the heart wants what

Merlinit wants love will find a way i've i've been i've been there i've i've i've seen the pitcher's mound i've lived it that that's that's no way to live them the the multicolored pitcher's mound of the public and and sometimes you just got to get in there last time i was in a portal that i put down my beer because I had to urinate. My beer started to fall off the toilet paper thing and I went like this. I went, whoa, whoa, whoa.

I ended up pissing all over myself and beer went flying everywhere. The lesson is, be careful where you put your beer in a port-a-lip.

MaxOutside. If you sit down in a bathroom and you see one of those huge rolls of toilet paper like it's a spare tire on the back of a Jeep, that's you know what that is that's the sign you know it's like one of those guys like waving an airplane in with his like orange blinkers that's the venue waving you in saying you are free you are free and clear to flush the chicago tribune down this toilet go ahead we do not care what

Merlinhappens to this bathroom you are all clear free to land mr attempt can come on in here and drop your dub dub. w-a-a-a! a-a! a-a! a-a! a-a! a-a! a-a! a-a! a-a! a-a! a-a! a-a! a-a! a-a! a-a! a-a! a-a! a-a! a-a!

Speaker AI hate them so much. I hate them so, so very much.

MaxTopic number two regarding Italian bathrooms. The bidet situation. Which I'm not going to make a whole thing out of, except the previous country that I went to where there was bidets everywhere was Japan. And in Japan they're like fancy toilets. So you sort of sit on the toilet and it sprays your butthole with water and then it has a little fan and it dries you off and you just sort of sit there and this thing happens to you i tried a few times and i was like it's not for me i recognize that it's objectively a cleaner better more sanitary system but i'm i'm not it's it's not my it's not

my lifestyle the ones in italy they're like okay it's like a kitchen sink faucet coming down horizontally with a bend into a shallow bowl. And I'm staring at it. I'm like, I don't know how to use the stuff I wanted to. Like, that's not the angle that my butthole goes at.

MerlinWell, I mean, is it for your dingus or your behind? Is it for your behind? Are you supposed to sit in like a sitz bath? Like you've got a hemorrhoid situation? Like, what is the... You fill it with water and sort of splash it.

MaxYou do brownie because I'm nodding.

Speaker BDid you use it today? No, I had to look up.

MaxItalian butt soup? You looked up. What did you search for?

Speaker BHow do I use a bidet? What did it say? Well, it said there's two ways, obviously. You can wash your back or your front. And you just sort of, if you need to, like, fill the basin with water. And then you're kind of, like, sitting in a puddle of water.

MerlinThey call it Italian wedding soup.

Maxit's like it's like a it's like the wad situation all over again you're just making the problem

Speaker Bworse for yourself but also so if it's your if it's your back that you're washing um you can kind of like bend forward to get the faucet to clean you off instead of like flashing yourself

Maxoh okay when we were when we were in jip when i was in japan there was this thing that kept coming up we went to what we did uh too many tours and things we went to like too many like of the same like Shinto shrines and stuff. And there's a thing in almost all of these shrines where there's sort of a pool of standing water and, you know, sometimes like a little spigot dripping water into this sort of basin. Very peaceful. And what you're supposed to do is, what everyone does is you go up, when you go to the shrine, you rinse your hands under the little spigot of water

and then some people will sort of splash it onto their face and some people will like drink out of this like pool of standing water. And the guide who we were with, they were like, ah, you like do this to purify yourself because the ancient japanese believed that the water would cleanse you and and i'm gall for that i get it but now like we understand that that does not clean you that like rinsing putting into your mouth the water that 10 000 tourists have just put their hands into is not a sanitary solution right like we know we actually know more than the ancient japanese

Merlinon this topic it seems it seems like kind of like cleansing yourself by trying to copulate with the Dyson blower at the movie theater. No, I'm so clean down in my basement area. I can go back up to the baby driver. No, no, no. This is, I mean, I think there's an old world idea of water as being this cleansing thing. But like once there's other people's debt shit is in it, that's not clean anymore. That's not even water. Like that's so bad.

MaxYeah. Once your, once your butthole is touching that water, it's not a cleaning solution anymore.

MerlinYeah, that was Mark Twain said that.

MaxIt also, the same situation, honestly, really perplexes me when i see a janitor mopping a floor with a bucket of like fetid gray water

Merlinthey're just scooting there's just scooting gray brown water around on the floor like what are you

Speaker Adoing and they're working so hard at it but to what end like what is it doing have you ever seen

Maxsomeone actually working hard at that though like i i i have actually had that job i've actually had to mop a floor i had a for years i i mopped floors and i used the i did what i was told because I wasn't paid enough to care about the job or the cleanliness of the floors meaningfully, but I would never do that in my house. It's crazy. Oh, exactly. It's not cleaning anything. You're just redistributing the dirt and the germs in a more equal fashion.

MerlinIt's like germ communism. You're making sure that whatever the nastiest thing in that water is is now everywhere. It's like the whole mad cow problem. You take the least of our cows is in there causing a problem for all the good ones. I think I see an alp.

Alexoh is that an out all right i just realized that the only countries i've ever been to uh cgp gray has made a video uh about it so like someone he needs to do one on italy or or japan i mean he did one on vatican city but vatican city not not technically in rome hmm have you been to that special sub london oh the sub london no i was just in uh heathrow for about an hour and i count it

Maxthat totally counts that if something happens in current events regarding England on Twitter you can be like well let me tell you about London

AlexI have spent at least 20 minutes in the official Harry Potter gift shop let me tell you how I feel about the Prime Minister

Maxexports are gruel and decent comedies

Alexso the Tories and Edgar Wright yeah you got the torch

Merlinand Torch the... I went to the pub, the Torch and Lori.

MaxDid you guys see Baby Driver? Should I see it?

AlexI haven't seen it yet. Twice.

MaxPeople don't seem to be crazy about it, which makes me feel like maybe I'll really like it.

MerlinWe should save it. This should not be your first Ed Dubb joint. I think I've seen his films before.

MaxI can't remember.

MerlinYou saw Scott Pilgrim, right?

MaxYeah, right. Who is Scott Pilgrim? Great question. That's what it's all about. I saw the one where there were aliens and they went drinking around the world.

MerlinNot a good first. Not a first good ed dub.

MaxNo, and then I think I saw the zombie one too.

AlexSo he's seen the Cornetto trailer. That young man is very handsome.

MerlinWhich one? oh yeah follow-up

Maxokay I have a more internet of things related follow-up so I have new grievances to share with you to air on the podcast regarding all of my internet of things devices so we're so we're out of town and listen again I don't want to I think this episode when does this come out yeah don't listen anyone who gets any ideas about possibly penetrating my home defenses taking my cordless drill my playstation I have a series There's a lot of booby traps. There's like oil-slicked floors and BBs everywhere.

Speaker AChristmas ornaments.

MaxAnd I've got cardboard cutouts of Michael Jordan.

MerlinAnd is your brother armed? Is that right? Your brother's probably a real beefy guy, right?

MaxHe's huge. He's huge and he knows the food.

Speaker AMy brother is a very large man.

MaxNo, you do not want a piece of that. So anyway, don't get any ideas. But basically, we're out of town, and all of my Internet of Things devices are constantly just beeping and buzzing my phone. And I'm completely powerless. I can't do anything about it. I'm constantly getting, like, oh, your Nest Cam is detected at 4 a.m. in Chicago. My Nest Cam has detected a person. I see. I need to get into the thing.

Speaker AOh, God.

MaxThat's the worst. My Nest Cam has detected a person in the garage. And I'm like, I don't know what to do with this. So I like, you know, I'll like text my brother and be like, I can't really do anything about this, but I think there's probably someone in the garage.

MerlinOh, garage updates from next door. Next door. Neighbor Jason writes to say subject line, random guys in car asking to rent garage notes. My wife was coming back from the beach today and around around two. And these two men in a large blue car insistently kept asking my wife if they could rent our garage. she ended the conversation abruptly any thoughts description of vehicle involved color blue make unknown model unknown year 1985 type car i don't know how you can know a car is from 1985 without

Alexknowing what kind of car it is i mean maybe maybe you know how the whenever the uh guys on i've only seen a few episodes of top gear but they kind of have this like car sense it sounds like like they just sort of hover over a car and they know they got like a 10 000 hour kind of thing yeah just eyeball it yeah you're probably right i'm i i keep getting really excited uh because i actually turned on notifications for next door uh but it's always like hey someone buy my couch and right now it's raining in chicago and it's like flooding anybody else have issues anybody else seeing this

You have flooding, Alex? Oh, my. Chicago? Like, I keep freaking out because I've got those, like, emergency alerts on iOS, and they've been going off since last night.

MaxOh, you mean flooding like there is flash flooding, not your apartment is flooding.

AlexRight. Yes. However, next door, although it seems like nobody is reporting that they have had any flooding, they like to post asking if other people have experienced flooding in case they do yes uh my i it's a classic scam because what are they trying to do they're trying to gain

Maxingress into the property so you've got uh you've got your uh your tunnel man you got don cheetle now he's down below and he's going to create an artificial fatberg it backs up the sewer creates flooding now now you could come swimming up through the basement you with there's water you can wait for the repair people to come in and then you slip in in your PG&E uniform

Merlinthis is how they get and then you got flood boy flood boy goes on next door and makes these posts and then when people don't answer they know that they're probably flooded and should come up through the drain

Maxclassic scam if you actually create flooding and the next door person says oh I called to see if they were supposed to be there guess what they're going to say yeah they were supposed to be there

Merlinoh floods the MacGuffin that's the distraction heist but the bigger heist might be happening over here where it's just dry and arid.

Speaker AYes. Oh, man. Well, we're going through our mountains and tunnels. That was perfect.

MaxAre you guys still there? Yeah! Oh hey, cool!

MerlinWe lost you, you went...

MaxNo, I think it's a small one

MerlinOkay

MaxOkay, here's another Holy shit, that's beautiful Oh my god Holy

MerlinThis is crazy!

Maxwe're like looking off of this is like a fucking postcard veronica's taking pictures we'll put it in the show notes it's like a green verdant mountain with like little white houses built

Merlinall down on it i don't i don't want to be normative but do you think you might want to just enjoy that instead of talking about your travel to-do list no no i think veronica was

Maxreally i'm enjoying me recording a podcast during this drive uh oh i know what i was gonna say okay uh oh tunnel uh uh iphone five swan

Speaker Aiphone follow-up

Maxi've learned a lot from uh when we go into all these like art galleries and stuff i spend about half of the time looking at the paintings and about half of the time watching tourists try to use their iPhones. And I've discovered two things that are just fucking absolutely mind-blowing about people's, the way that they use their phones. The first is, number one, everybody zooms in, even though on a painting or whatever, and they don't seem to know that zooming doesn't

it's not adding any information. You would be better off just taking the picture and cropping later.

Speaker AYou might as well just throw your phone at the painting.

MaxThat's number one. Number two is these people, I've seen so many people standing in front of like a Botticelli trying to take a picture. Oh, the Alp.

AlexI think the Alp got him.

MerlinThe Alp got him.

MaxOh, I still hear you.

MerlinYou were losing you pretty bad.

MaxWhen they're trying to take their pictures of paintings that they're going to treasure and remember forever, every two seconds they're constantly being prompted to join a Wi-Fi network. Like, before their finger can grace the trigger button, it's like, do you want to join the Duomo Wi-Fi network? Like, no. Like, they're frantically, like, constantly hitting no.

MerlinThey leave that on? I never leave that on. That's crazy.

AlexMerlin, we're not normal people. This is...

MerlinOh, man, I turned that off a long time ago.

MaxWho would ever want to be interrupted by whatever they're doing to be like, do you want to join one of these six Wi-Fi networks that are password protected?

Alexdid i think the alp the alp got him no we're no hey buddy going through the tunnels

Maxthat's a spicy meatball i'm just uh stunned by how the how beautiful uh these um mountains are

Alexand how this can be a good one yeah this is a great radio just i just sit here small bits of italian words that max is trying to say coming in and out

Merlinlet's just let's let's send each other hot fuzz uh gifts while we're waiting i just sent you the

Speaker Aswan proceed with the show hey buddy hey don't wait for me just proceed with the show all right

MerlinI can hear you. Are you our hype man? You'll just be coming in occasionally and just to shout encouragement.

AlexAlps! Everything's so beautiful! Tom, Tom! The sound of music was not really shot here.

Speaker BHey, guys, we're at the border, so we're going to not talk. I don't know that, for sure. Oh, no.

MerlinYou know what you should do in those videos, Max? You should assert your rights. Videotape the whole thing and assert your rights to those people. You let them know that you're a citizen. Why do they even come to the country if they can't speak the language?

Speaker AI believe you just... It said stop, but... Oh, here we go.

MerlinStop.

Speaker AWait, wait. Stop.

MerlinOh, my God. Is he getting black bagged? What's going on?

Speaker ASorry.

MerlinOh, boy.

Speaker BYou're my face. Highway. Highway. You go inside your office. Passing inside. Okay. Oh, shit.

MerlinThe last we ever heard from him.

AlexI keep getting very nervous. All right, we're being detained at the border. Hang on.

MaxI'm going to bring this with, and we'll just see what happens. No! Yeah, yeah, no, no, this will be fun.

MerlinThat's a good idea. You should do that.

Speaker AI'm so sorry, Veronica.

Do you watch Game of Thrones, Alex?

AlexI do indeed.

MerlinI just boned up on the last two episodes of the last season. I forgot that Filch is in Game of Thrones. I forgot about that.

AlexYeah, I think we've talked about this. There's only 20 actors in England, and they've all been in Harry Potter.

MerlinWell, just not to correct you, there's been 20 British actors ever. There are six working at any given time, including Bill Nighy. You've got Filch. He's the mumbling guy in Hot Fuzz. He's also the first Doctor now.

AlexOh.

MerlinDid you watch the last?

AlexI have not, no. See, when I-

MerlinThe second to the last episode is really, really good.

AlexHow I consume my media is basically, I see an incomparable episode pop up, and then I think, oh, I should go watch that. And then I do that and listen to all of you be funny about some sort of media I either deeply enjoyed or deeply hated.

MerlinOh, shit dog.

Alexdid we lose max uh oh well uh dibs on his parking space okay

Maxor now or shalom oh no it just means it's like coming out of the phone and not the speaker talk I think they usually take a little ticket to pay to use the highway. Can I help?

Speaker ANo, I'm sorry, they're blue. She's been in her passport. It's a key.

AlexAre they being put into a bag? What's happening? Oh my god.

MerlinIt's called an Italian bag. The thing is, if he gets beat up in an Italian bag, this is going to go so viral. Which this is going to be. Bruce Springsteen will write a song about him.

AlexI think they're going to end up in the trunk of a Mini Cooper. Do they have... Do Mini Coopers have trunk... I don't know. This is...

Speaker AThey call it a boot. Mm-hmm.

AlexI wonder if what we're doing right now is a felony. Are they in a government center? This is... This... Oh. Mm. Should I hang... Should I hang up on him? Or should we keep...

MaxUh, let's see. Oh.

Speaker AHe's good. He's really...

AlexWait, is he speaking Italian? This is...

Speaker AHe's speaking Italian.

AlexYeah.

MerlinIt's good. They're not gonna think it's weird that people are laughing on his phone, right?

AlexNope. Nope.

MerlinMm-mm. They're very jolly people.

MaxOkay, we've purchased some sort of sticker. Oh. It was 40 euros.

MerlinWhat is that in money?

MaxI think it allows us to drive on the streets. Hang on, I can put them back on speaker.

Merlin40 lira in your... Hey, buddy.

AlexOh, everything alright?

MaxYeah, we had to buy a sticker, and I tried to drive away from the customs guy, because I thought he was waving me i thought he was like go on but what that gesture meant was stop and buy a sticker for

Merlin40 euros oh it's a little it's a little differences 40 lire is uh two cents in america

Maxthey look so swiss in there like a cartoon of a swiss person

Merlini believe it looks a little something like this

Alexi i feel like being detained in switzerland has to be either incredibly pleasant or just incredibly confusing. It's probably like going to jail in Eagleton.

MerlinI bet it's like Eagleton jail. I bet it's pretty sweet.

AlexAm I in trouble with these pastries for me?

Speaker AWhat's happening? Would you like some canapes?

AlexHave you been released? Is everything alright? Are you back on the road?

MaxWe had to go into a little office and buy the sticker. And now we're putting a sticker to the windshield for the instructions on the sticker back.

Speaker BAnd it's the upper corner.

MerlinIs he going to lose the deposit on his whip, Alex? You know, it's continuing. I'm still doing four a day. We made it!

AlexI'm so happy. Is this the part where Julie Andrews waves to you?

Speaker AHow do you solve a problem like the Twizy? Plug in the positive energy today. Reviews are loading on the site for Twizy. starting from 6,995 pounds

AlexGod, can you believe they put Barbra Streisand and Funny Girl instead of her? There's so much injustice

Merlinin Hollywood musicals

AlexLet's make that a challenge

MerlinInjustice in Hollywood musicals

AlexGet justice for Julie Andrews

Speaker ADon't get me started on Marnie Nixon Can I literally beg you?

Speaker BInjustice in Hollywood musicals

MerlinMarnie Nixon, the way they treated her a flibbity jibbity will-o'-the-wisp a clown

Speaker Athese jokes

Alexthis segment is the only segment of any podcast my mom will ever listen to and she'll find it so fucking funny

Speaker Aand i just want to thank you This is a clown.

MerlinA clown. Those lesbian nuns love to argue. They're just always bickering. Bickering, bickering. Look at me. I'm an Austrian nun.

Speaker AI got it all figured out. Is she a flippity jibbit? Is she a will of the lisp or a clown? What the fuck? Who hung the Santa's heart in Santa's heart She will make clothes out of curtains very soon. No one likes the Baroness and even the Captain.

Alexi don't know if you know this max i really like musicals

Merlinmy captain is a very large man is max supposed to be gay in that do you think do you know his buddy the uh the entrepreneur agent guy you think he's supposed to read as gay

Alexin that? I think so.

MerlinI'm sorry, I'm asking you as a person, when you view that text, do you think he's meant to telegraph as a gay man? I feel like he is. I feel like he's a classic Hollywood sissy. Yeah, like,

Alexexactly. It's not supposed to be like... And a Jew, probably a Jew. A little bit of a Jew.

MerlinGay Jew. Gay Jew, that's like a kaiju. Oh, okay.

MaxOh, I know that guy, the gay Jew. He steals people's jokes on Instagram.

Speaker ANow I have your guilt.

AlexAll right. Dig a dug, dig dug, dig dug, dig dug. Before we potentially lose Max to the Alps or more Swiss guards, do we want to do our challenge? or at least have Max do his portion?

MerlinYeah, I do.

AlexMostly, I'm just really, really curious.

MerlinYou know, we haven't asked Alex. Have we asked who's driving the car?

AlexOh, yeah.

MaxI'm driving. Oh. What? Hmm.

Speaker AHmm.

MaxI'm driving. Veronica's navigating, and she's doing a very good job.

AlexThank you, Veronica. Oh, you didn't tell Veronica the challenge?

MerlinI think the Alps got him. Oh, man. I got Alped. those famous swiss tunnels you know all that said this is going much better than i expected i like veronica can she be like a semi-regular on here veronica is the best

Alexlet's plug veronica's comic book um it's oh no my veronica the plug her comic book plug it so veronica burns uh atomic size matters she made her thesis her PhD into a comic book about, and it's just, it's so good. You, you're, you're, you should get it. Yeah.

MerlinI'm looking at, I'm looking at her internet website right now.

AlexYeah. She's a very talented. Which I discovered by searching for

MerlinVeronica Chemistry comic book, first return.

AlexEvery year at our, we've got like a big New Year's Eve party at our office every year. And now, now we do a talent show. Oh, do we, I think they all got them. but but she'll do these crazy chemistry tricks yes chemistry tricks you know the magic

Merlini don't want to be negative but this is an electron

Alexuh but yeah she wrote an amazing book um max are you there there's no max okay there's only zul um dig dug dig dug dig dug uh while we how's it going buddy hey merlin

Merlindo it again i cut you off do it again

Alexwe should do a podcast uh this is fun i do oh yeah yeah people seem to be liking you know what i'm gonna say thank you to all of the i know that people don't like when i address the listeners on the show but i'm gonna say thank you nice people who've said a lot of nice things about the stuff I make on the internet this week. It made me very happy.

MerlinDo they think you're dying, Alex? What happened?

AlexYeah, right? Oh, real-time copyright John Syracuse. 2010. 1997. I got a text from Dr. Burns, who is Veronica in my phone. She is an actual doctor of chemistry, saying, call us back in a minute. We are switching to a new cell carrier. I will let you know when we have service again.

Speaker AOh, my God. That's amazing.

AlexI wonder if you need, if like once. Hey, look at that.

MerlinI see Max. Hello.

MaxHey, it's breakout hit store Max. I'm back. All right, so the challenge was to go to Italy. Did you guys do it?

MerlinOh, it's amazing.

AlexYeah, beautiful. Lot of stone penises just everywhere.

Maxbust a nut on that duomo uh so as i was saying by before i was so rudely interrupted by the mountains um the challenge uh this week was to uh because the last week i we were i was in the midst of uh packing for this trip and i was very stressed out about making sure i had all the right like dongles and adapters uh my challenge was to describe your packing list or a system of preparing to pack for a trip or what you you know keep ready to go any of that kind of stuff

MerlinI am prepared. I did this challenge. Should we drop it into the super secret text exchange?

AlexOh, please do. I'm driving, so...

MaxOh, yeah, all right.

AlexI'm curious, though. Max, do you have any, like... Do you have a system? I want to dive into yours first before the Alps take you again. Do you have, like, a regular... Just a regular list or procedure or ritual while you're packing or before you travel?

MaxI do. I'm like, I have like, I'm very like gear based, even though that's not really very important as compared to like being organized. But it's kind of the way that I'll like just deal with my travel anxiety. So I have, first of all, I have a, the best, I have the greatest suitcase in the world. I have a Zuka bag, Z-U-C-A, and it's small. I have the Zucca like airplane one, like not, it's, it's a very, very small suitcase. It has a rigid metal frame.

So nothing can like, you know, even if I have to check it or whatever, like nothing gets broken. Um, it's actually sturdy enough that you can sit on it like a chair or you can pull it up to you and use it like a desk to put your laptop or iPad on, which is amazing. It looks in the airport.

MerlinIt looks almost like a power generator. Like it looks like industrial. This is so cool.

MaxI do occasionally get questions at the airport. People are like, what is this? Is it because it looks maybe like a speaker or something? But it's just a zipper, and then inside it's just empty. And so what do I like about this? So it has the rigid frame. It's very sturdy. It only has two wheels. I fucking hate these four-wheeled bags because I find them really hard to, like, navigate on the floor. And the two wheels, they, I don't know, that's just, I find them really hard to, like, deal with. And the two wheels are, they're like rollerblade wheels. They're those, like, big, puffy rubber wheels.

MerlinLike a razor scooter. Like, they're real big, like, polyurethane looking.

MaxYeah, and they're, like, they just handle so well of, like, you know when you get to those little, like, bumps getting on the escalator and stuff? Like, this bag just, like, I just, like, it just goes. Like, it works perfectly. And then it comes with its own system of packing cubes, which I've adopted. And the packing cubes go into the bag, like, one on top of another in a sort of vertical stack. so when you get to your hotel you just sort of lay the bag down and pull the cube out that you need and it makes it very easy if i take a long trip like on this trip i can actually live out of the

bag which is which is great and all my shit stay is very organized and i'll say like if you're not into the packing cube lifestyle you have no idea how many clothes you can fit into a small bag and

Merlinhow much shit you can cram in there once you once you go to the packing cube lifestyle it would be like just throwing all of your dishes in a pile in the kitchen it's it's crazy to once you've done

Maxit once you're like i will never go back um now do you fold or roll into your cubes i'm a roller

Merlinyeah roller rolling's better i do for shirts i do folding for for for socks panties and whatnot i usually just do a roll i have a bunch of different ones from different companies and i deploy them

Maxbased on like the size of the trip basically uh so i'll do so i do i'll do i'm a big roller i'll roll anything even a suit and if you go on youtube there are tutorials of how to roll like a men's suit so that it doesn't get destroyed and wrinkled and then i also travel in my like dop kit um i travel with a um a little travel bottle of this thing called downy wrinkle releaser and it's basically kind of like a febreze like substance and if i you know i didn't like i don't have it on this trip because i don't have any nice clothes but like if i go somewhere and i have a suit i

spray it on the suit and i give it a little spritz and then it just sort of it's just fucking magical. It's like putting it in the bathroom when you take a shower. It just sort of like, it just sort of like comes unwrinkled. Um, and then, uh, let's see. Uh, and then my only other, uh, tip for, uh, I have a couple other like specific ones, but my big one is, you know, I travel enough. Like I would say if you travel once per month or even maybe once every other month, like, like pack a suitcase travel, just get two of everything and not your clothes, but like your travel shit so like an example is my apple watch charging cable that was something

where i was like i do not want to unplug this special little plastic disc every time i get into an airplane so i just brought a second one and the second one just lives in my suitcase and

Merlini don't have to stress out about it anymore that's actually a really good idea i think that's true for i mean obviously there are people who like pack up their toiletries you know from the bathroom but I've got a kit that I, and as you'll see from my list, a big part of my thing is having these things that I reuse and then when I get home, a reminder to refill them, replenish them, and stuff like that. But I agree with you. At the very least, have a small, maybe a small, this sounds like overkill, but maybe a small USB hub that's just for when you travel. I've got one I like that does USB.

MaxSorry to interrupt, Merlin. There's motion at my front door. Thank you, Ring. Thank you.

MerlinOh, no. I had to buy a new cordless drill to put a Ring thing on my front door, so I had to very do by Friday week.

MaxOh. oh you got the ring yeah put it in the put it in the notes put it in the notes we gotta talk about ring later all right uh i'm sorry to interrupt no no no no interrupt but i mean i

Merlinwould say i mean one thing and this is just a good idea because you never know what kind of notice you're gonna have uh having having like a like a clean shirt and suit always ready like don't you know launder it or don't get it dry clean when you need it like have that always ready to go and then as far as like i mean really just a separate toiletries thing that's always ready to roll and then i think like i said i got this one i can find it for notes but i got one i think i saw it off i don't know wire cutter but it's a usb c3 plus four uh usb whatever the blue ones are

and that thing's great i can't keep track of all the dongles and then and then some and then some cables you keep some uh keep down the cobbles in there and i'll send in the one that i bought

Maxbecause I actually did some research and found the smallest footprint USB charger, multi-USB charger that has like that, I don't know what they call it, that sort of like high voltage output that charges like a MacBook or an iPad or something.

Speaker AYeah.

MaxAnd I have one that has four USB spots and it plugs into one outlet. And I just basically keep an iOS cord, like a lightning cable, my apple watch cable and two micro usb cables plugged into that thing at all times and it lives in the outer pouch of my suitcase first thing i do when i get to the hotel room i unplug the whole block with the cables like in it i like take it out of my suitcase plug it in by the bed and then last thing i do before i leave the hotel pull that thing out with all my cords wrap it back up back into the suitcase and that way i never lose a cord i never have to move it when i get home it's always

Merlinthere when i need it very smart my first thing that i unpack out of my bag it's really dorky it's it's always the thing on top that i take out first and it's the dumbest thing in the world it's the thing made by this company called red ox called the travel basket and it's the this thing that packs flat i'll send it i'll put it in here for you and basically all it is is like i it it's very important to me like at home with my wallet and keys being in the same place i like having a thing that i put stuff in in a hotel room and so this thing basically it's got these snaps on it and it turns into like a little uh little it's called a like a valet right a

travel basket so basically it's this thing that you first thing i do is put that down i put my wallet and everything in there and that is my bulwark against madness it's in notes wow that's

Maxa good that's gonna that may make its way into my rotation let me oh look at these colors let me throw out and i had an adjacent tip to the um to the keep a clean shirt and a clean suit so i think when you're packed for travel when you have to go for like 10 days somewhere and you're packing for travel you know what it really exposes uh it really brings out the a-team of your clothing like it really you know you know what i mean like you know what you want to bring you know you're you know you're like first round draft picks of like t-shirts and and stuff when you're getting

ready to pack for the trip and you're like your good underwear and you know the stuff you want it's like if i die on this airplane i'm dying with my like my like blue like linen shirt right just just own that clothing like get rid of everything else that's my that's max's life advice minimalism just no but i'm saying like just if you have that shirt it's like this is my like go shirt you should get five shirts from that brand oh yeah that's me and i hate to admit it

Merlinthat's me and mac weldon like they they're my go-to for like three items they're costly but man they're good their their white t-shirt is my go-to t-shirt it's got the long tail like that Chris Anderson article and it always stays tucked in. It's very thick.

No, but I mean, I don't, again, it's one of those classic like, I don't care what your version of this is but find out what your version of that is and then stock up on that. I just replenished my gold toes, didn't look back. It's great, throw out all the grody socks. But no, I mean, the thing is you've got to figure out like, the last thing you want to be fretting about is like, did I forget the high wattage? See, I put Marvel stickers on all of my dolls.

AlexHold on, I am, I'm very sorry to interrupt them on this podcast. I apologize. The problem with finding the one thing you like and then getting dozens of it is that I did that. And then I came to work for Cards Against Humanity and it fucking matched all of Max's stuff and oh, he's gone.

MerlinThat's a very strange coincidence.

AlexWell, okay. So remember Trunk Club, which it's the mailing service. They mail you the stuff. And it's all very costly and like way too expensive for me, except I got one trunk and I'm like, okay, these are like the three things that I really like. You know what the one thing was? A light blue shirt with an Oxford collar that I had six of. Guess who else has that shirt? Oh, come on. That's not fair. so now i've so so now this is a life hack if you ever work for uh cards against humanity

and uh happen to have the same shirts as max temkin whenever you think you might be on camera make sure and and now so i always uh in the desk behind or i'm sorry the drawer behind my desk i keep a separate folded shirt that is a different pattern or color in case oh that's so smart you're so ready uh yeah that because that literally happened one time and i went i went to an old navy to buy a shirt so we put it match yeah okay talk about our list yep i would i have so many

questions for you give me yours uh oh your my list it's oh i'm just gonna you know i'm just gonna read it real quick because it is not what as well you're not gonna read it you're gonna send it to

MerlinI sent you mine.

AlexOkay. Okay. I'm sending it via a bunch of screenshots because what I.

MerlinWhy don't you redact it? I mean, why are you not sending me? What is happening here? What, what, what are you hiding?

AlexNothing. It's, it's just long and what. Okay. So my, my big, you know, life hack is I have a separate to do list app just for my travel and packing list called clear. I think. I don't even know. I just. Oh yeah. Yeah. Yeah. This is very. Mike Hurley. This is so Mike Hurley.

MaxIt's even yellow and orange.

AlexIt's not. It's just for this one. Well, it's because my it's just easy. It's an easy thing to like it auto repopulates when you're done.

It's very easy to add stuff like as you are packing and like with one hand because usually if I need to edit it, it's something like terrible has happened and I haven't had to edit this listed in a very long time.

MerlinIf I were the kind of person that criticized screenshots of things, I would clean your clock. This is asinine.

MaxThis is a horrible way to live. I have a dilemma here, which is we're about to arrive at this hotel. I think if I pull up to the hotel, it's going to initiate the service process.

Speaker AOh, no.

MaxWherein they tell me where the pool is and get my bags. How do I avoid this?

MerlinDrive back to the guards.

MaxLook up on the phone how to say I'm recording a podcast in Swiss

MerlinHang on Does he speak Swiss there? No

Speaker ANo it's a chocolate

MerlinI'm recording a podcast I can do it in Latin Ego sum and podcasts Spanish Let's see let's try it on Francaise

Speaker ASure okay Oh boy

MerlinDo they speak German there?

MaxThey speak like every language here.

MerlinAll right, let me try Italian. Okay, here we go. I am a registrar.

MaxVeronica knows French, and I know how to speak English slowly, so we've been making it through.

what's alex what else is what's in your what do you have for travel because you have to travel i know how much you travel because we travel all the time together uh yeah i pretty much do the

Alexsame thing you do i have there's nothing in my life that's like too expensive that i don't have two of except for my phone lap and phone and laptop um you know what i should get a second

MerlinCan I also just say something very quickly to cover my ass?

AlexYes.

MerlinThe reason I was telling you wrong things was I was identifying my language as Latin. I was accidentally translating from Latin to Italian and German.

AlexLike the funny, not funny YouTube bit that, what's his name, stole. Who's the new wannabe Johnny Carson SNL, not Jimmy Kimmel, Jimmy Fallon.

Speaker AJimmy Fallon.

AlexOh, what a guy. All right. uh febreze what about our convent birth fees mints meds travel pedal ipad to toothpaste wrist wrist strap shirts passports jeans sweatshirt underwear socks bras toothbrush razor comb face wave chapel pencil headphones tweezers buttons and pins buttons and pins car wash sunglasses iphone iphone charger laptop charger laptop jeodorant toothbrush what a watch charger q-tips and mini usb charger let me summarize it for you well this does not include the rituals i have before what was that

oh my goodness oh oh okay that was that was not a scoot scoot that was

Merlinso like david lee roth um so it's terrible terrible alex how do you live like this what do you mean this is also why am i not in your contacts. How come you don't have me in your

Alexcontacts? What do you mean? You're in my...

MerlinWhat? No, I'm not. I got a raw email address here. What's going on? Are we not pals? I have so many questions, and this is why I don't look at people's screens because everybody's wrong. This is a mess. What a goddamn mess.

So, we got Lysol wipes on here twice, and you wouldn't even know.

AlexOh, do I? Well, you know what? You never can have too much.

MaxOh, boy. I travel with those Lysol wipes. When I get onto the airplane, have we talked about this on the show first thing i do it you're gonna wipe down your tray the seat the armrest the whole thing on the because on the flight before you got on the plane someone just

Merlindied in that seat and then where they put where they put a baby on there it's like it's like people who have that filthy sponge full of water that sits on the sink and they just use it to like

Alexmove move those garbage germs all right well okay so it seems that part of the issue you take with my list is there's no actionable items, but those live in my, like, daily. There's no organization.

Speaker AThere's no organization to this. It's just a blah.

AlexAh, ah. Well, here's the...

Speaker AAh, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah.

AlexYes, exactly. So I'm a very, very, very, very anxious traveler, and I travel a whole lot. So I've developed some, you know, hot tips and tricks, also known as Weird Alex ticks and compulsions to help with that. And so part of this is I go through...

MerlinOne, two, three, four. One, two, three, four.

AlexOne, two, three, four. Okay, no, the number I count to is six, but...

MerlinWhat about your dolphin count? We have to 13, right?

AlexOh, yeah. Okay, so, all right. Real quick.

Speaker AExcuse me, I'm getting an Amber alert. No, no, I'm...

MaxIt's one of the wonderful... Hang on. It's one of the wonderful features of the BMW 7 series is if you get within like 30 feet of something, it just starts constantly beeping at you.

Speaker AOh, boy. You're about to hit a hotel. You're about to hit a hotel. You're about to hit a hotel.

AlexI'll address my 13 dolphins in a second. But the cool thing about the clear app is that you can just physically move the items on your list around. So like before I'm traveling, I like to put them in a new order every time just because it makes me feel better. Like I think about I visualize where they are in my apartment. And then usually I'm putting I put them in the exact same spot. So it rarely changes. It just feels nice. So that is part of the ritual. Another part of the ritual now is having my suitcase out at least 48 hours before I go.

Because my cat, the dumb cat, Francis, has separation anxiety. because of course he does i have a cat with allergies and separation anxiety he takes after his mom um and and i usually don't have to worry about laundry or anything like that because pretty much all of my clothes are the same like i got rid of all of my t-shirts are various uh like they're various podcast t-shirts but they're all made of the same material so just grab a bunch of those uh put them in the wire whatever the wire cutter has as the their choice of packing

cube again folder or uh sorry roller not a folder not a folder and uh that's that that's about it however for like play in transit type things uh max in our super secret text channel asked about how i deal with anxiety on planes and the answer usually is medication however if you find yourself in an emergency situation uh i find it helpful to take very deep breaths and count to 13 i also like to visualize dolphins jumping through waves because i am a crazy person but it no i think

that's nice i've been trying it it's nice it's not that weird i realized the other day when i like there there are some things that you don't know until you're an adult for example i didn't know that uh alex was a typically male name i just thought that it was a genderless name man if if the if gay is like really nurture over nature i i didn't have a chance um but like i i didn't realize that when people said like oh i like going um on walks on the beach and sunsets that it was like a

trope i really really really like walks on the beach and sunsets i don't know why it's really great um yeah i also went when i'm traveling uh pace around my apartment a lot and talk and ramble really quickly much like i'm doing now because i'm just thinking about traveling so the end

Merlini think that all sounds very healthy we all gotta cope in different ways they're totally normal and

Alexfine oh and i need to hug my wife three times uh unless unless three one two three one two three Unless she is the one driving me, in which case we need to be in the third spot that she drops me off in the airport. I usually am at the American Airlines terminal. So we go to the third spot and then she drops me off there.

MerlinThis sounds very manageable.

AlexYeah, totally fine.

MaxAlex, do you own any special stuff that you pack just for bringing to hotels and planes and stuff?

AlexNo, just, I mean, it's the same thing I have at home, except it is the version that lives in my suitcase. I might add this little square dingus, though. The, what is it, the red ox? Travel basket. Yeah, travel basket.

MerlinTravel basket, basket de travel.

MaxVeronica, what's your packing method? It seems to be sort of haphazardly grabbing things from around the house and then packing the maximum amount that fits into your suitcase.

Merlinit's gonna be the rocks all over again isn't it

Alexoh no my rocks Veronica what size suitcase do you typically travel with?

Speaker Bthe normal size probably the biggest size that fits in the overhead compartment

Maxhave you guys ever seen one of those old timey sexist cartoons where a woman comes back from shopping and the butler gets out of the car like 30 boxes and like a hat box.

Speaker AI've seen that. I've seen that. Yeah. That's kind of what it's like. It's going to be a cold night in the Alps.

MaxWe're actually both fairly white travelers.

Speaker AWait a minute, am I right?

MaxWe bought a lot of Parmesan cheese, though.

Speaker AYou could use that as wheels on your Twizy. Or toilet paper.

Merlinmy daughter asked if we could buy a wheel of cheese and i said no we don't have room for a wheel of cheese i think she just likes the idea of like just going in there with like a paring knife and just cutting off like a pound of cheese at a time was was this a dad answer or do you

Alexactually not have room for a wheel of cheese in your home you have a house talking like a oh my

Merlingod you're talking about like a lavash or you're talking like a full-on cheese wheel like a like a like a legitimate italian cheese wheel oh i i see what it's like the size of one of those

Maxroll of toilet paper that they have in convention center.

MerlinExactly. It's the size of like a Twizy wheel.

Speaker BAt least. I don't know if it is. I feel like that's a very manageable birthday gift that you could give to your daughter.

MaxYou know what? Yeah, what is that? Like four or five

Merlinhundred bucks? Four or five hundred bucks for a wheel of cheese and I'll buy her a dorm fridge. She can put it in her little room.

MaxI saw a wheel of cheese. And then like a switchblade so she can carve off what she... The Italians call it a stiletto.

MerlinHere's your stiletto for your cheese wheel. Put it in your

Alexdorm fridge dumminy dumminy now merlin we gotta get into your lit like because i i am like a notoriously oh the the other like hot tip and trick i have is it's not i just make sure wherever i go I know where the nearest Walgreens is

and where the nearest Supercuts or similar haircut place is. But okay.

MerlinOkay, there's two things to understand about my list before you start taking pot shots. Are you looking at it in a task paper compliant app? Can you collapse? No, no. I'm looking

Alexat it in text edit.

MerlinOkay. All of these sections are collapsible and hideable.

MaxNo, I'm here. So what's a task paper compliant app? What is that?

MerlinLook in the Google Doc. The key to mine is that almost everything I could conceivably need is in here. I might do half of the things that are in here, but this is everything that I might need to think about. And it's very well organized mostly into sections. And the big sections are like, uh, there's basically like the, the before leaving packing and after returning and also on location, which is not super important. But the idea is that there's a bunch of stuff I need to do before I leave.

There's the packing that I need to do. And then there's stuff I'll need to do when I come back. And so, and then I refine it each time I come back and I improve this list each time.

MaxWhy does it say next time, next time, bulldog clamps, gallon, Ziplocs, court Ziplocs? Yeah. Are you going to dismember a corpse?

AlexYeah, this is a great murder list.

MaxAre you going to break down a duck?

Speaker AWhy did you go with duck of all the animals? A duck is hard to break down. Oh, okay.

MerlinI feel like a swan. Part of the key to the system is that you don't realize what you didn't have until you're in the situation where you didn't have it. So when do you write down what it is that should be different next time? When it occurs to you in the room, you go, fuck, I should have brought bulldog clamps because they're great for many things. What is that? Max, have you ever been in a hotel room where the curtains are OK good, but it's hard to get them to close all the way and it lets light into the room?

MaxOh, I've never had that situation before. No, that's every hotel. That's obviously every hotel room.

MerlinTwo bulldog clamps. Done.

MaxVeronica's like waving her sleeping mask around as if to indicate what is wrong with this person that he travels with his own special clamps instead of the sleeping mask that i hold

Merlinright here in my hand i got a hat for that is that what that means the italians love to use

Alextheir hands yeah so are you are you not a sleeping mask person merlin are you like he can't wear a

Merlinhat like a gentleman i wear a hat to bed every night like a gentleman all right now here's the thing with the ziploc here's what you need to do with the ziploc bags you start you when you travel I don't care where you fucking go. Shut your whore mouth. You start with a large two-gallon Ziploc bag. Inside the large two-gallon Ziploc bag, you know what you got? Number one, two more two-gallon Ziploc bags rolled up. You take four, one-gallon. So rolling up inside of your bag of bags, you've got two-gallon Ziploc bags, one-gallon

Ziploc bags, cord Ziploc bags, a handful of perhaps five, I'm so angry right now, five Soaping towels

Speaker ACause you're gonna need bags

Speaker BWhy? Okay wait Max made fun of me For like running around the house And grabbing random objects And sticking them in a bag We might need these rocks

MerlinOh my god You're gonna spend nights sleeping on the can by the cheese wheel holy shit no you need bags you're gonna need bags you're always gonna need

Speaker Apaper towels you have those and then guess what you roll that you roll that entire god damn it I'm going down your

Maxlist and it says to bring a roll of gaffer's tape

MerlinMax have you ever had ever stayed in a hotel room where there are annoying sources of light beyond the curtains that won't close oh my god

Speaker AYou're telling me you're bringing a series of clamps and clips and a fucking roll of gaffer's tape?

MerlinYou've never been disrupted by the light coming through the peephole? You've never been disrupted by peephole light? Peephole light. You put a towel under the crack of the door, peephole light, you cover the peephole light, and yes, and yes, and yes, you snap the awesome gaffer's tape, you put that over every motherfucking LED in the entire room until it's black like night.

AlexOh my god.

MerlinEverything on this list is to make the room dark.

MaxCan you imagine being the person that cleans Merlin's hotel room when he checks out? And there's just fucking clamps hanging off of everything.

Speaker AAnd the discarded organs of a duck.

AlexWhen I was at Dub Dub, I had this huge crisis where one of my jeans ripped. And I was like, oh, God, I need to throw them away in this hotel garbage can, I guess. And I felt horrible. you are destroying you're just defiling this room do you know what it costs to get a hotel room i'm gonna ruin that place oh oh boy um anyway okay um um we don't have time to go through all of these well i i have a question you have a stationary section is that typically one that you visit

like why i just where why why i don't go to target and i have a child i i have a child alex why do

Maxyou have bubble bath on your list because it's nice to take a bath you get one of those little

Speaker Arubberies you people are animals and i don't bring it every time this is the complete list i don't have to do everything on here i can take any of these off that i want there's nothing other than i have to do these are all things that i could choose to do the thing is the list is complete I never have to worry about whether it's on the list

Merlinand I can just take off what I want. I can cross off what I want. I cannot do any of it at all. I don't have to bring bubble baths. I don't have to go anywhere. No one can make me go anywhere. I don't even have to leave my house if I don't want to. And if I do want to leave my house, I'm going to have a way to make it nice and dark. I'm going to close everything up and I'm going to bring a fucking duck.

AlexCalm down.

MerlinGodfrey Daniel.

AlexAll right.

MerlinThis show's over. You got to throw out the old leftovers. The day leaving one is very important because that is when the anxiety is reaching its peak. And that's where I go through and I do all of my rituals.

MaxWait a minute, further down it says hack snacks for me, colon. Big Avengers Cup for ice water. Yep, yep, yep, yep.

MerlinHave you ever had a satisfying drink of water out of one of those tiny little disgusting glasses? No, you bring the large Avengers Cup and then you go and you fill that up and you have a nice big water.

Speaker AAnd you can...

MerlinAvengers Cup.

Speaker AIt has premium nuts to eat. why does it say why does it say specify the baby I just

Merlinas opposed to the ones I shove in my ass for pleasure

Maxokay then it says further down the list it goes on to say I'm locash that's just common sense I'm surprised you don't travel with it but okay wine or similar and then one that I'm very curious about marketing and water cleanup you know what it is you know what that is i do not

Merlinknow what that is you walk into the room if it has drawers you open the lower drawer or you open something with a door on it you pick up every piece of marketing material and every eight dollar bottle of water and you put it in that drawer i don't want to see a single piece of printed material in the entire room plastic plants they're going in the closet they're going in the closet they're going in with the fucking ironing board and the complimentary umbrella fuck that fuck that turn it all off oh did you know that we have a spa yeah i do in the drawer into the cauldron handsome so this is uh you know then i come home i turn off my hue routines i plug in and charge

devices refill pill sub bags because i got sub bags i got a bag and i got sub bags i got a bag with several bags in it inside my green bag i have a bag and inside that bag are all those tiny pill

Alexbags do you have tiny pill bags i have no i have containers because otherwise my tiny pills get

Maxcrushed i have two i travel with two pills i have my i have ibuprofen and claret and d and i you know

Merlineven then i only need like a couple that's adorable you don't have any imodium you have no imodium at all no if i get diarrhea i'll go get imodium yeah you pick up a cheese wheel well and part of part

Alexof the traveling anxiety for me is if like i if i'm gone for more than a week which i often am i need to like pick up all of the pills that help my brain work and the most expensive thing a dub dub was going 30 taking a lift for 30 minutes out into the suburb um to go to a

Merlini want to spend an hour i want to spend an hour in manhattan trying to buy two ibuprofens it was completely disorienting okay i'll take a picture of my bag my bag of my pill bag bag

Alexibuprofen's a little different than lamictal it's a little bit easier to find you gotta be careful

Maxwith that stuff i was in seattle with ben and we were having like a pretty tense i i don't remember what we were meeting about. We had a pretty tense meeting with Amazon that was one of those meetings of this will set the future of our livelihoods. This was a couple years ago. And we were fighting over, I don't know, some Amazon bullshit. Their fee increases or some sort of dumb exclusivity they wanted or counterfeits. I don't know what the thing was, but there's all these things where we've had to enter into these complicated negotiations with Amazon. So this was one of those. And we were meeting.

We'd escalated the issue for many months over emailing calls and we had gotten this meeting where we were with like some sort of like vice president of of amazon of like the toys and games uh department in amazon so like important people where you could tell when you walked into the room everyone else was like scared of this guy right so they were like big important people in amazon and um this was the same meeting where the fire phone had just come out and we were like sitting in the meeting waiting for this vice president and they were like they were like 16 16 identical amazon men in like v-neck johnny ive t-shirts like all sitting

lining the table and i and i made some joke and everyone was out and they had their iphones we were too awkward to like make conversation everyone had their iphones out and i looked around and i was like so uh don't set the fire phone huh and then it was just all looked up and they were they got really uncomfortable they did not have a sense of humor about it at all um so as we were getting as we're coming through to this walking through amazon to this meeting i think we've been out drinking the night before or something and ben had uh you know he had sort of an upset stomach from

the drinking. He was a little bit hungover. We're walking around with this guy who was like, he wasn't the most important guy at Amazon, but he was an Amazon executive that we had set this meeting up for us. He's giving us his little... You know when you go through an office and I don't know if you've ever had this experience. They're trying to take their balls out and show you how cool they are. They take you on this long, winding serpentine tour of the office and they're like, here's all the resources we have that we could crush you. it's like when you go to ancient Rome and you see the Colosseum. It's like,

we built this to show how Rome could destroy your village in a moment. It demonstrates the power. So we're walking through this huge Amazon building and everything is all like glass and whiteboards and it was very impressive. And Ben's just looking really uncomfortable and eventually he sort of stops the guy and taps him on his shoulder and goes, excuse me, do you have any diarrhea medicine?

Speaker AWhat a power move! That's such a fucking power move! What a way to disrupt that. Oh, my God. Excuse me. I imagine Paul tugging on his sleeve. Excuse me, mister.

MerlinI have to drop a deuce.

MaxBen was like the alpha for the rest of that meeting. Everybody respected him.

MerlinI have to call it the gorilla mindset.

Speaker AExcuse me, mister. I've got to make a wet number two.

MerlinI gotta drop a florid deuce I have to blast a moisture bomb Excuse me Mister I have to back tinkle Excuse me Can I borrow your whiteboard if you know what I mean Excuse me Mister I just had to land Apollo Excuse Mister

Thank you.

Show notes

Transcript

33. The Alp Got ‘Em

Show notes

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