35. A Bear of Honey

AlexThis is Do By Friday, the weekly challenge podcast with Merlin Mann, Alex Cox and Max Temkin. This week's challenge, go to KFC or Taco Bell.

Hey Merlin, how's it going? Hey, how's it going guys? Are you okay with Merlin's volume this week?

MaxAnd like the cool first half of this podcast didn't happen.

AlexOh, boy. No, we'll definitely, let's say there's a cut into what just happened here. What is next?

MerlinMax is either beat mixing or... I'm heading into work. I'm running late. Oh, okay.

Speaker AI had to go to a... Why don't we just wait?

MerlinWhy don't we just wait until he gets there? Yeah?

Speaker AI'm just leaving my house now. So just start the podcast and pretend everything is normal and I'm on my way in.

AlexNo one's going to notice a sound difference at all.

Speaker ANo, it's the same podcast that everyone knows and loves. I've got my theory balls in my ears, and I'm heading in.

AlexThat's what's happening. I understand. This is worse than a phone call should sound like that.

Speaker AI'm taking my skateboard into work like a grown adult.

AlexOh, no. Wow, I hope everybody enjoyed that.

MaxI had a meeting this morning that required me to wear a suit. And then it was downtown and I took the L back. And it was 100% humidity on the L. It was so fucking hot. It wasn't even that it was hot in the little tunnel. I mean, it was probably like 85, 90, somewhere in that range. but it was the humidity and I got home and I was going to jump on my skateboard and come in and my suit was like wet. Like I literally could have, I could have wrung it like a bar rag and little salty drops would have come out. So I like went upstairs and like I changed and I was running

late and then I just thought I would call in. And it turns out that was a great idea and it was really fun. Nothing was wrong with it. All right. What is in front of me here? Please explain.

AlexUm, all right. So Merlin, do you just want to explain your challenge real quick? And then I will, let's just get into this.

MerlinOh, yeah. Well, the idea was you go to the Taco Bell or KFC, or in my case, the KFC slash Taco Bell, and you order at least three things, hopefully some things you've never had before. And then you eat it on the air and we talk about it. It's a way to, you know, expand our palates a little bit.

MaxAnd Alex, what is this? A Diet Coke?

Alexno don't see Max you should have done your research KFC Taco Bell and Pizza Hyde are owned by the yum brands yes exactly and yum is owned by PepsiCo so what we have here is a two Pepsi Max's I don't because because that's your name

Maxis this like a Coke Zero is this like diet Pepsi for men I have no idea okay I'm not gonna drink some stuff some fucking diet Coke like a woman you gotta see my

MerlinOh, shit. This is good. I'm going to send you a picture.

MaxOh, it's a little... Did you try this? No, no.

AlexDo you want one? I'm very nervous.

MaxIt's like a little strong. It tastes like fruity or something. There you go. All right, Merlin. So what did you get from the KFC... Why don't I compromise your OPSEC?

MerlinNo, that's okay. Don't post my receipt, but here's what I got.

MaxMerlin, I have... Wait a minute. I've got concerns. Whoa. If you, if you, here's my thing is if you reveal too much about the menu items that you've purchased, it could not, couldn't someone sort of triangulate?

MerlinI think 100% could. It becomes an SAT problem. Mr. Brown rides on the train next to a sack of potatoes. Like how many people live in, you know, Romania? Same thing.

MaxBecause if you know three things that you ordered, you can triangulate the position in the middle.

MerlinSomething you know, something you have, something you feel.

AlexI mean you guys are joking but as I learned they do not have every item of like the KFC family you didn't have a zinger that sucks you don't have a zinger so I'll start off

Maxis that like when I make one of my hilarious anti-semitic comments on the podcast it's a zinger

Alexyou old scamp okay so the only KFC's we have in Chicago are either like 30 minutes away. Is one of these yours and one of these mine? No, I have already done my... Why do I have two

Maxboxes of food?

AlexOkay, so here's what happened. I wanted to do the spirit of the challenge and go to a KFC restaurant, but they're really, really fucking far.

And so, like a privileged asshole, I just, last night, ordered Postmates.

MaxHell yeah.

AlexAnd so I picked three. Okay, what did I get? I got a chicken tender meal. I thought you got some Colonel Strips.

MerlinI thought you got Colonel Strips.

AlexYes, which included a biscuit and like potato wedges. So basically a McDonald's meal. Well, okay, we'll get to that.

MaxDid I open this? Am I clear?

AlexGo right ahead. Am I cleared for approach? Go right ahead.

MaxSo the first thing is it opens like a little sailor's hat.

AlexYeah, it sure is a box.

MaxOh, look at this. That's delightful. It's like a little origami.

AlexI had never had KFC before.

MaxOkay.

AlexOh, no.

MaxOh, boy. You never had KFC before? What?

AlexNo. I don't like food.

MaxI don't know for sure if I've had KFC. I feel like I've had KFC. I've had Popeyes. We have Popeyes in the city.

AlexYeah, that's thing.

MaxI've had Popeyes. I go to that drive-thru at the Fullerton on Damon.

AlexOh, the one that's impossible to get in and out of?

MaxThat cursed intersection. It almost cost me my life every time I go, but I do go there a couple times a year.

MerlinIt's worth it for that spicy dark.

MaxI have a styrofoam. I've opened up the little sailor hat, and inside there's a styrofoam dish, and it has a plastic lid, and inside there's some sort of viscous brown goo. Sounds like nice potatoes and gravy. Okay. Well, I don't see any. Oh, yep. Oh, wow. It's like one big potato in there. Yeah. Okay. And then there's some sort of, and then what's this?

Speaker AThis is an orange.

MaxNow I have some sort of wrapped. I think that's the zinger. That's the zinger. It's a spicy, crispy. So you do have a zinger. Yes. Spicy, crispy sandwich. Zinger.

MerlinIt's got a lot of lettuce. Mine's got a lot of lettuce on it, but the bird itself is pretty good. It's no Chick-fil-A, but it's pretty good.

MaxDon't, when you get a fast food sandwich, don't give me hot, wilted, wet lettuce on the sandwich. No one's ever been like, this hot lettuce is going to make it better.

MerlinIt's hard because lettuce is one of those foods that they have a lot of. I think they want to find things to do with. I don't think people are buying salads like they used to.

But lettuce, I'm guessing, is a pretty... You think the salad crowd has probably given up on fast food at this point. See, that's the funny part, though. It used to be if you go and look at the menu, when they first started posting the full nutrition facts inside the KFC. I'm pretty sure, or Taco Bell, I'm pretty sure the taco salad was pound for pound the highest calorie at least dish. Turns out. Well, if you eat a fucking corn chip like the size of a scoot car, it doesn't matter what you put in it.

MaxDo you know what I like? I like the little shredded lettuce that goes in the McDonald's hamburger. Oh, yeah. Now, that's a good product. That's like what lines the bottom of a gerbil's cage. That's right. That's what you're talking about. And it has an absorbent property. It stays. It's not disgusting by the time you eat it.

AlexOh, my famous bowl. Oh, Max is eating it now.

MerlinThat's not good. It's not bad. I mean, I would put pickles on there, and I would do less of that watery lettuce, personally.

MaxNow, is there a... Oh, shit. I'm forgetting. What's the homophobic chicken place? Oh, Chick-fil-A.

AlexChick-fil-A. that Merlin just said he enjoyed.

MerlinOh, you do like a Chick-fil-A? Yeah, just by virtue of the fact it's literally the best chicken sandwich available. It's insane they're so freaking good. I know. I wish that they weren't homophobic. It doesn't stop me from being here. Well, just leave that part on your plate.

MaxIf their chicken was a little bit worse, then I would boycott them for being homophobic. Alex, what are your thoughts? I'm sorry. I feel like I should apologize to you.

AlexI've never eaten at Chick-fil-A but not because of any you know like oh they're

Merlinyou guys are raised in some kind of mirror universe how have you never had KFC?

AlexI don't understand how you don't have KFC in life in some suburbs they just don't have them

Maxthere's no KFC's where I grew up

Alexyeah and same with now there is a Chick-fil-A in the neighborhood I grew up but I've never eaten there because they're closed on Sundays we had like Brown's chicken

MaxI think that was the chain

AlexOh, yeah, and there was... What's the one with the... Well, I'm saying the one with the bird isn't helpful. Oh, the bird one.

MerlinLike Famous Recipe?

AlexI don't know. It was like a rooster type thing. Oh, J.W. Birdington's?

MaxOh, Red... Redman. Redman.

AlexI don't...

MaxRedskins? I was talking about Alex.

AlexYeah. Potato Johnnies. But again, I don't like any... Like, I'm not a healthy eater.

MaxLittle Red Hen? Yeah, like... What about Famous Recipe? He's just making a fork. No, that was a place. Little Red Hen. I don't want to say too much because people can triangulate my position.

AlexGod.

MaxI think Little Red Hen was a place and they had good fried chicken.

AlexOh, yeah. It's also a Golden Book folktale. There's... Oh, this is spicy. This has got some flavor.

MerlinThe zinger. Oh, double chalupa. Oh, God. This one.

MaxSo Merlin, okay, I'm sorry. I cut you off. So you went to the combination KFC Taco Bell. What did you order?

MerlinI got four primary items. I got an a la carte famous bowl. I got a fill-up box with a zinger. That means I got a zinger and eight Aussie mash and grave, medium drink and a cookie. I got a double chalupa a la carte, and I got a double dia, which I overpronounced a little bit when I ordered it.

MaxSo I've also never been to one of these hybrid fast food restaurants. Of course you have. I pass them on the highway on trips and stuff. What's the inside? Describe it. Very, very small. Is it two counters or one counter?

MerlinThere's one counter, and then there's that fixed seating. And ours is probably, I'm going to say the dining area, excluding the cooking and cash register area. The dining area is maybe 350 square feet.

MaxOh, shit, dog. I just opened the other sailor hat, and there's big pieces of fried chicken in here.

MerlinOh, see. Is that going to be the strips? What are those, Alex?

AlexWell, okay. So hold on. everybody let Alex tell her story um last night I just did the Postmates thing uh ordered what I ordered but then I get a call from the Postmates people saying oh none of this is actually on the menu except for the biscuits uh terrible about that yeah they're like this is totally out of date and I'm like okay um just get the closest thing I guess and so what I got was what I thought that I initially ordered it looked like a chicken tender meal and I ate one but then another one look different and i don't know i can't tell the difference between like a breast and a thigh

or a i i don't know it was it was gross everything was soggy um and then i had actual diarrhea and i have pretty healthy bowels guys just gonna i've never uh okay so so today you're saying it has all the healing powers of a kombucha yeah so i had a fast food kombucha but but then merlin gave me some tips and this this uh afternoon for max i just called the postmate and said i know that this menu is out of date. Please just get whatever is freshest. And I don't mind what it costs.

So I guess. Oh, I should give her a good tip. What do you think, Max? I didn't realize. Yeah,

Maxyou know what? This is not like very fresh chicken, but it's good. It's really good. To be fair, it came from the loop. It's like super well seasoned. I like the breading to chicken ratio. It's a great piece of chicken. I am not going to eat this chalupa though. Good job, Colonel. So I didn't realize that you were able to empower the Postmate to make these kinds of decisions.

AlexNeither was I until this experience.

MaxThat's really what I want. Can I be like, get me some sort of lunch that's not going to make me sleepy afterwards.

Speaker AIt's like the right ratio.

MaxLike it tastes good. Here's what I need. I need a lunch that tastes good so that I'm excited to like, I don't want it. I don't want it to come and I open it up and I lose the will to live. Like sometimes I order, I'm like, I'm going to be a good boy. and I order some sort of like kale and salmon, you know, bowl and quinoa bowl. And it shows up and it's just this sad paper bowl.

MerlinThat's a recipe for like an airport meal when you get something like that. You're like, oh, this is an airport bowl.

MaxYep. And I, yeah, and my sad airport bowl arrives and I open it and I lose the will to live. I'm like, I should just, I shouldn't even go on if this is what I have to eat. So what I need is some sort of food that inspires me to go on living my life, but it's also healthy enough that I'm not sleepy afterwards. I don't want to feel like a – This lunch, I'm going to pay for this in about 45 minutes. Oh, no. This is going to be real fucked up. I'm going to get a good nap out of this. Listen, for all of our listeners, this is the high part of the podcast. It's all downhill from here. As soon as this food kicks in, we're all going to be leaning back in our chairs,

falling asleep, going like, Trump, man.

MerlinYeah.

MaxHis hair is weird.

MerlinDance like no one's watching.

Alexfor some real i i take a sip of this pepsi max and i'm like oh gross but then just as a reflex i keep picking up and drinking it so it's like it's definitely a i i'm a diet soda person because i like the aspartame but this definitely has uh like the bad real sugar in it because it's It's like, mmm.

MaxThis biscuit's not very good. Oh, I just... It's very doughy.

MerlinIt helps to have somebody on the inside when you're ordering. In my case, there's a manager there who I'm in her confidence. And so I will frequently lean over and I will say, you know, what's fresh? And she'll say, everything's fresh. And I say, oh, you, what's really fresh? And she'll say, the popcorn chicken.

Speaker AI'll say, well, give me the popcorn chicken.

MerlinThat's the key. I mean, no matter what the food is, if it's not fresh, it will not be as good. and also candidly a lot of the Mexican food at the Taco Bell is not not super good you got to be

Maxreal you know you know what's interesting about that is that is that there's you're kind of you could kind of be on the inside or the outside now if I just go into this KFC I guess in the loop and I go in and I say what's fresh like they don't know me they they have no reason to disclose that information so they're going to play some fucking games with me in there you know exactly like you saying they're gonna be like oh it's all fresh yeah it's all good now I think there needs to be Do you know how some menus, like In-N-Out Burger, they have the secret menu, and you can go in, you can order animal style or protein burger? I think there needs to be some sort of secret handshake or signal where you can say, listen, I know the code word.

I'm an insider. And just give me the good stuff. You know, like you come in and you lean in. Yes. And you're like, what does the cougar hunt at night? And then they're like.

MerlinAnd they respond back, the blessed one is amongst us.

MaxYep. No, I don't even think they respond.

MerlinI think they just slide over a thing of popcorn chicken. They pull back on Shakespeare's head. The entire restaurant turns around and the secret menu kitchen is revealed. Somebody's in there sharpening a knife. What will it be today, Mr. Temkin?

AlexNeither of you are obligated to answer this, but how often would you say that you have fast food? Not like takeout, because, you know, especially in cities where we have you, You can get relatively healthy takeout. But how often do you have fast food?

MerlinA question.

MaxI have a lot of qualifying questions.

MerlinOh, yeah, absolutely. We're two big questions. Does it have to be a fast food chain? And do cheeseburgers count?

AlexYes. Or I'm sorry, no and yes. We do have some places in Chicago where it's just hot dogs or just chicken, and there's only one location. but it's still like definitely fast food three times a week oh wow what you're telling me if i

Maxgo to small cheval and i have a hamburger that counts as that's the same as mcdonald's i oh i

Alexsee what you're saying i don't know well i actually think it's probably worse for you than mcdonald's

Maxbecause there's two what are you talking about mcdonald's is all fucking pesticides and and it's a patty of like antibiotics and now wood chips and preservatives small cheval i don't know You don't know that?

MerlinYou don't know that. Don't disparage the good name of McDonald's.

MaxNo, no, I read about, I saw a YouTube video.

MerlinOh, right. Google it, people. Lose change. I think I saw my Netflix special about that video.

MaxNo, okay. Here's my big qualifying question. So I would say I frequent a McDonald's probably three times a week. However, 99% of the time I go to the drive-thru and I get a black coffee. That's like, that's like, I don't think that counts. if I have to go anywhere in the morning I go through the McDonald's drive through on Armitage and I get a black coffee

AlexI did not think

Maxabout that and I also want to add I also want to add I'll fucking go to the grave defending McDonald's coffee it's very good black coffee and the fries they got really good fries too it's way better than Starbucks black coffee I will take that shit to the grave fight me fight him send a message to Alex Cox on Twitter

Alexuh how about so merlin you really three you are a very fit man this is very impressive thank you

Merlini have a lot of anxiety no i mean i i eat um the thing is i am uh and we could just sit here and parse your question all day but the actual the thing inside the question is i would say more like how often do you eat takeout convenience food would be another way to put it because you know there's all kinds of ways to parse it but there's a lot of times where uh there's like a i don't say high end there's a mid a mid-end burger place that we like to get pretty often it's my daughter's favorite burger we'll get that um i am pretty much um it is frowned upon for me to have a lot of

chain fast food in the house and it's a very it is frowned upon and the garbage will be picked through and i will be chided and so for example you know there's always the running bit where as soon as we get get in the car to go anywhere i say okay well if you girls really want popeyes I guess we can stop. And they go, ah, shut up. It's not even funny as an abstract joke. And I say, okay, fine. We'll stop at Popeyes. Because that's the best. Fresh Popeyes is a great thing. But no, I mean, I have a Taco Bell KFC very near my house.

And it is generally a locus of regret. It's where I have blown my fucking day. I'm a dummy. And now I've got to eat something. And so the irony for me is like I spend a lot of my day trying not to eat starchy things. I know I get more energy from protein and vegetables. And so I'll get a burger and throw away the bun and stuff like that. But I'm surrounded by starchy foods here. It's all starchy foods that would make me want to go to sleep.

MaxI wish I didn't know how much better I felt if I don't eat carbohydrates. It's a marked difference. If I go like a few days without eating any carbohydrates, I feel amazing. I wish I didn't know that. I was a lot happier when I was like sleepy all the time, but I could eat whatever I wanted.

MerlinWhen I went on that stupid, deadly Atkins diet, I mean, as I've documented here, I had a lot of very important secondary health benefits to my chronic life. But no, I mean, honestly, within two or three days, I wouldn't do it because I was like, hey, this guy says, this dummy says you can eat all the bacon you want. I'll take that there. And by the third.

MaxAnd you want to tell me about a powder that you like?

MerlinBut by about the third day, it was like, you know what? If I have some of this leftover bacon and a hard-boiled egg with salt, that is surprisingly filling. Still not full? Two slices of salami. Like, and the truth is, like, if I do that and I stick to that, I feel markedly different. So anyway, the point being that if I really fuck up, I'll be like, oh, shit. Like, I've got to go pick my kid up, and I can't be too insane. And I go in there, and, you know, I'm just covered with shame. And I'm like, yes, give me the three-piece chicken dinner. and then um then i'm sad and it makes me sad so like after this i already have a nap schedule

i've cleared my day so that i have a nap after this this is not something i can do often do you guys do you guys know about ego depletion no oh yes i do this is good talk about that

Maxturns out um it's a it's a psychology idea i think actually i actually don't think it's doing too well there's like this replicability uh crisis in psychology where a bunch of the turns out stuff

MerlinIf it turns out, it's not actually, turns out, double, triple turns out, it's not actually

Maxtrue because no one can replicate the results. And so anytime you hear about like a surprising psychology study, you should be very suspicious and go find out if anyone has like replicated it. And I think I've actually heard from people in the field that the ego depletion stuff is not holding up particularly well. But the theory goes that basically people have a certain amount of like ego control about each day. So you wake up and you have a certain capacity to make responsible decisions. And if you make a lot of hard decisions and you like go to the gym in the morning and

you like don't eat carbohydrates, by the time night rolls around, you're, you know, you're much more likely to like eat an entire Costco box of candy bars or something like that because you've like lost executive function throughout the day. And I don't know, anecdotally, that definitely seems to be true for me. Like if I have like a long day or like if I'm coming home from something and it's like late at night and I'm just like exhausted. And, you know, it's you know, those days where it's like you do like have a whole day of work. And then after work, you like have a second day of work of like shit that you have.

Oh, yeah, absolutely. When I'm coming back from that and I'm like, you know, part of me is like proud because I'm like, oh, look at all this shit that I got done. But the other part of me is like, I should go to Burger King.

MerlinI think we can. I think we can. I've heard this talked about a lot. I think there's an easy way to unscience this and just say in terms of like lived experience. which is like after doing a lot of things that are neither easy nor fun, it's almost impossible to not crave something that's easy and fun. That's, I mean, that's as simply as I can think to put it. Like if I've got jury duty all day and I'm just like, like I want, I want all of the food and the TV when I get home. Just nobody talked to me. I just want to sit here and do this thing. And some people, I mean, some people have the grit or whatever you want to call it to like power through that stuff.

But I think most of us are like, I need something easy and fun now. I think that's hard to dispute for most normal, honest people.

MaxI don't. two more years of writing poop jokes at this pace, and they're going to find me with, like, four hookers and, like, a heroin needle coming out of my arm, just surrounded by half-eaten zingers.

And I'd be like, he was ego depleted. Classic theory. Turns out it was replicable.

AlexI mean, I have days like that, and then I, like, get into bed, and I'm so proud of myself, and I'm like, yeah, I stuck to my almonds and all my gluten-free crap. Good job, Alex. Oh, should dog you're eating almonds? Almonds are like the main part of my diet. Really?

MerlinI'm so good. And that's a big source of protein for you, huh?

AlexYeah, that's definitely my biggest source of protein because I'm not tired and they give me energy and they're tasty. Low sodium.

MaxThat's my diet. Every night I retire to my study to read my books. And seven almonds. I have exactly seven almonds. It's just an original diet that I came up with.

AlexYep, just line them up on the desk. It's definitely not an idea I got from anywhere else. But then it's like three in the morning and I'm very anxious. And I'm like, well, I wonder what's open right now. And this happened a lot when I was living pretty far from the, before we had moved offices, I had lived pretty far because I didn't want to get an apartment before. And anyway, so if you live in, like on like the south side of Chicago, it's, if you don't have a car, It's hard to get to places that are like drive-thrus.

MaxWait, how far on the south side?

AlexNot super far. I was just in Bridgeport. But Bridgeport is now like hipstery, and they've taken away all the good late night fast food places, and Postmates won't deliver. So Domino's became like the staple of my diet for six months.

MaxOh, yuck.

AlexIt was real bad.

MaxDo you ever go to that Sharks on the south side? They have that lemon pepper chicken?

AlexWell, yes, but do you think I would have lemon pepper chicken? No, that's right. Too much flavor.

MerlinLemon pepper chicken.

AlexDomino's is really a lifestyle, though. You get the app, and then you... Do you like fried chicken? No. It's very greasy. It was very unpleasant.

MerlinI think it's one of the great foods. Oh, it's perfect.

AlexI mean, anything that's fried is like... What are these little paper envelopes? I have no idea.

MerlinCould be cookies.

AlexOh, shit, dog. It's a cookie.

MerlinYou got a cookie.

AlexYou want a cookie? I'm like the Creskin of chicken. No, thank you. No, thank you. What am I going to do with two cookies? I mean... Make a sandwich.

MerlinBreaking news, I'm not even fucking touching this double chalupa. This is a terrible, terrible thing they've made me. And I kept seeing on the sign, I thought, oh, ho, ho, I've got to try this. They don't currently have any of their funny sandwiches made out of meat, which I was kind of bummed about. I was hoping to have a sandwich made out of meat. But this chalupa is just sad. You got a picture of it. It's the last. What is a chalupa?

AlexChalupa. I was going to ask that.

MerlinThis is a double chalupa. It's like this fried tortilla-ish. It's almost like a churro, inside of which there is their ground meat product, something juicy. They got some, oh, it's got cheese. It's got the lettuce product. It's got what looks like some diced. Diced tomatoes aren't as bad as some go, but no, this is terrible. I sent you a photo of it. That's the, you can see it.

MaxNow I like a hard taco from Taco Bell.

MerlinThat's a good ass.

MaxI think that's one of nature's great foods. I mean, and I don't even do the deluxe with the sour cream. Don't sour cream it all up, people. Listen to me. At that point, you're just eating sour cream.

MerlinSour cream is fake news. A lot of people think that makes something fancy and it doesn't. It's one thing to put avocado.

MaxYeah, it is not good. Do not get the deluxe taco. You get the fucking basic taco. I think it's like 89 cents. You got like three of those hard tacos from Taco Bell. Yeah, and put some fire sauce on it. One of the great foods. One of the great foods. It's perfect. It's so satisfying.

AlexI don't like anything from Taco Bell which is very inconvenient because all of my friends it's like the cool thing in Chicago to like Taco Bell if you are a designer I feel like just all my designer friends love Taco Bell and we go to Taco Bell and now one of the like big Chicago things also is there's a Taco Bell Cantina oh yes the fancy Taco Bell it's a fancy Taco Bell you can like get alcohol there oh yeah you can get a vodka slurpee and it's like a blueberry wild freeze or something but whenever I go there

I order a plain shell and a blue vodka slurpee and now they know me

Speaker Athat thing is right that thing is right by my house

Maxoh shit I compromised my operational security

Speaker Aoh no

Maxredacted

Speaker Aedit that

Merlinuh my famous bowl now the famous bowl is a hell of a thing it's a big tub of mashed potatoes with gravy on it they put in some popcorn chicken uh they put in some uh what else is in here i forgot about these mashed potatoes let me try is that corn corn mm-hmm can you see it in mine yeah okay It looks a little bit like an egg cane.

AlexYep, yep. Oh, look at that.

MerlinIt sure does. Corn, white and yellow cheese, gravy.

MaxThese mashed potatoes are... That is quite an experience. Quite up to the grade for you? What are these? Is this a potato? Did this start as a potato?

These are not... I can report that these mashed potatoes are not good. They're like liquidy. They're like liquidy. Oh, no. They're very, very easy to eat.

AlexOh.

MaxThis is not a good food. And I don't know what this like. Why is the sauce shiny?

AlexIt looks like baby food that has been on a sidewalk too long, and someone scooped it back up and put it in a styrofoam container. Oh, this is very bad.

MerlinThis is not a good food. I'll tell you what's nice. Let me just send you a quick shot here. Yeah, so if it's too runny and moist for you, wait half an hour, and you'll be able to...

MaxThat is like a liquidy...

MerlinBe able to put it at a 90-degree angle like I just did and it doesn't move.

Speaker AIsn't that pretty?

MaxOh, no.

MerlinYeah.

MaxOh, no.

MerlinMm-hmm.

MaxOh!

MerlinIt's looking into my cat's anus. It stares back at you.

MaxOh, my God. Oh, this bowl is really gross looking.

MerlinWhich one? Mine or yours?

MaxNo, I didn't get a bowl. I kind of wish I had one.

MerlinOh, the famous bowl is really, really, it's not good.

AlexNow, Merlin, why do you have so many extensions? And why do you use Chrome? Why aren't you using Safari?

MaxI thought you liked OmniFocus. It truly is a lot of extensions on your browser.

MerlinYou can't see that, can you? Oh, I'm zoomed in, buddy. You guys are the worst. Merlin, do you know if you zoom in on this side? I see an avatar for Dan Benjamin and John Syracuse. I could identify all of your friends.

AlexOh, yeah. Look at it. Oh, we know all. What do you got running here?

MaxA little Pinterest? You're getting Pinterest.

MerlinOr HTTPS everywhere. Pinterest. You think I'm an old woman or a homosexual? I got a lot of good ones. I'd go through them if you want. I got a lot. I got all the great extensions.

MaxOh, well, I mean, it's time for our Friday show. It's time for Merlin's extension corner. Merlin, what's your picks of the week? Thanks, guys.

MerlinToday, I want to talk a little bit about-

MaxTurn it over to Merlin, the productivity llama.

MerlinHi, guys.

MaxSo, this is our top four Chrome extensions of the week. Keeping around old life hacks is bad.

MerlinBack to you, Max. All right, let's get it closer. See, now I'm going to have to crop this because you're going to be looking at all my folders.

MaxI have things started on my Google Chrome where- This probably started six months ago. But suddenly every website I go to, it's like, do you want Google Chrome to remember the password to this website? And I constantly have to click no. And I want Google Chrome. Stop it. Stop. I never asked you to do that. Stop asking me to save the password. And I'm sure, you know in Google you have to type some bullshit into the thing and it's like you go to like flags and you like scroll down and there's 700 settings and you find the one you want.

MerlinOh, you're talking about when you get in deep to the Chrome colon slash slash or whatever it's called. Is it flags? I always have to Google.

MaxI have to Google how to do it. And you type some, you type something in, you know what? It's like, it's like when a patient is having brain surgery and they have them like, they're like a doc. I don't want to lose my ability to sing opera. So they have them sing opera while they, while they tinker around in their brain. And if they hit the part of the brain that lets them sing opera, they, they stop singing and they're like,

Merlinokay, don't take that part out. They smell ham. But doctor, I am Pagliacci. Yeah.

MaxBut that's, all I'm saying is like, that's what it's like when you go into that flag section of Chrome and you're, you're poking around in the patient's brain you're like i may disable the password memory thing or i might make it so that um uh hackers can uh under know what i'm putting on my Amazon get your uh

Merlindrill i um right you know what's good is to go in there and you can shut off some of the uh some of the ugly uh ui elements sirk used to tell me how to do this well i've um the big one for me

Maxis like whenever i install chrome i have to go in and like there's some triple double secret probation setting where you can just tell flash that it never has permission to run

Alexyou know i'm talking about yeah yeah you guys do that i i well oh yeah no i got extensions for that

Maxyeah same i have an extension called flash block and then there is no that's not a thing for chrome anymore like if you google like black flash on chrome they're just like go into the double secret

Merlinyou know flag section and turn off flash let's see prefer html over flash uh what else do you have here run all flash content when flash setting is set to allow boy there's a lot of flags essentially

Alexthe link there if you want to go in we're we're a tech podcast this week this is also very topical

Merlinum what are the best ones i've got here i've got add things i'm using better as my uh blocker on safari and really really digging it uh that is good so i'm mobile on mobile safari yeah yeah yeah And desktop.

MaxI'm a big one blocker boy.

MerlinWell, you might want to check out better. It's pretty smart. Let me find some info for you.

AlexBetter blocker. Well, let me open the Johnny Ive Wall Street Journal story because I cannot do that anywhere.

MerlinI'll tell you, one thing they've got is they have the best ad blocker blockers that I've seen yet.

AlexOh.

MerlinI mean, I think they strive pretty actively to keep up. And it'll also do things like they do a really nice job with making a page look normal. They do some jiggery pokery to like, you know, like on Politico, if you have the ad block, if you have blocking on, like you get those weird like indentations. I mean, there's those kinds of things where like I think they improve on that. And I don't know. I think it's a really good product. You should check it out. It's called. Oh, God damn it.

MaxI left my garage door open.

MerlinWhat?

MaxNo. In my, hey, no, I put it down remotely. Oh, no. I just, I just figured it out. Hang on. I can zoom in and see if my cordless drill is still there. It is. I can see that it's there.

MerlinOkay. My corn's great. Corn and gravy.

MaxVery bad. Very bad. See, I was in such a fucking hurry to call in and do this podcast. I left my garage door open. You give so much.

AlexCordless drill is secure. When you're anxious late at night and you just think that the world is burning, do you ever check in on the office and just go to Arlo? No. Okay. All right. I don't do that. Just to make sure everything's all right? No, never mind. Yep. Never mind. Never mind.

MaxWhat were we talking about before that little heart attack?

MerlinI've got one called Markdown Link Generator that is amazing. Markdown Link Generator, it's just a real handy little thing. You just click wherever you are and it makes a beautiful markdown link.

MaxAm I looking at this thing better by ind.ie for $4.99. Better.fyi is the website. There's a little firewatch shield with a triangle on it. Yeah, it's got

Merlina gay pyramid and a heart. That's the Illuminati. I looks back at you.

AlexAre you appropriating our triangle, Merlin?

MaxYes. No, that's actually God's, that actually represents God's love because God created the rainbow. Did you see that? They're like the ark is lit

Merlinup in a rainbow because it represents like God's creation. Technically, we're appropriating everything from God, if you really think about it. I mean, really think about it. Oh, shit. That's a good point, Merlin. I just blew your mind?

MaxYeah, I got lots of those. Cultural appropriation. Stop appropriating nature.

MerlinSo I got, okay, I got the double chalupa. Fuck that. That is not going to happen. And then I also got the double dia, which is a case.

Speaker BOh, God. Oh, no. This is not good.

MerlinListen to this. This is the, it's a quesadilla. What is this? Is that a cement block?

MaxWhat is that? It's just the food.

MerlinOh, no. Oh, I get the chicken. Okay. Oh, no, no, no, no, no.

Speaker ANo, no, no, no, no.

MerlinOkay. I feel like I've probably had enough of this food for today.

MaxOh, I've pushed. I have a little like 180-degree arc of brown food just surrounding my mic station here. And I pushed it all away and changed.

MerlinSo far, I've eaten an entire zinger sandwich. I've eaten almost all of the famous bowls I've eaten part of my auxiliary mashed potatoes and gravy I did not touch the chalupa and no double dia I have eaten

MaxI have eaten three chicken strips one sort of gummy mouthful of beige mashed potatoes half of a zinger sandwich one chocolate chip cookie and one of these Pepsi for men's

MerlinOh, you're, oh.

MaxDid you hear they're going to discontinue Coke Zero? Yes.

MerlinPeople are sad.

AlexWho cares? One of the co-founders of Cars Against Humanity drinks Coke Zero. Some people care quite a lot. Doesn't Monk love?

MaxNo, he's a Diet Coke man.

AlexOh, okay. We all love Diet Coke.

MaxI mean, I respect him a lot. Can we all agree on the simple fact that Diet Coke is the best tasting Coca-Cola beverage? Yes. Not for any health-related reason. purely on taste and aesthetics Diet Coke is far superior to any other

MerlinI guess I will not vote in this one because I don't want to throw off your ratio

Maxwhat? what do you like a regular Coca-Cola?

MerlinI don't drink soft drinks except very very rarely but I'm still tasting Diet Cokes I had in college I just you don't like it? at one point I decided I wanted to be a Diet Coke person and I tried that I was closer to becoming a Coke Zero person and it never took. But honestly, you know, I'm back to the old man stage where like a small Coke is plenty of Coke for me.

MaxA Coca-Cola is not a good beverage. It's like thick and syrupy. I feel like I'm not like a hummingbird, like sucking it up through my proboscis.

MerlinIt's just too much. I drink a lot.

MaxIt's like a heavy laden with sugar.

MerlinWhen it's really hot out, the first sip is really, really good and you get further down and it's like, ooh, like this is work.

MaxYeah, yeah. It's like drinking an entire bear of honey. Oh.

AlexIs that a bear's worth of honey? A bear of honey.

MaxWall Street Journal. Ticket toot. Washington. Less than a month into his new job, White House Press Secretary Sean Spitzer needed to keep his food and drink cold. He wanted a mini fridge. One of the great leads of all time, by the way. He dispatched a top aide to a nearby executive office building where junior research employees are crammed into a room surviving on lean cuisine frozen lunches. Mr. Spisser wants your icebox, the aide said, according to people familiar with the incident. They refused to give it up. So Mr. Spisser waited until at sundown after his young staffers had left to take matters into his own hands.

He was spotted by a fellow White House official lugging the icebox down the White House driveway after 8 p.m. That's good. Do you have some like overworked, underpaid young employees like busting their ass to work for this unappreciative, like awful president, probably loathed by everyone around them in D.C., just showing up, dragging their carcasses into work at 5 a.m. every day and they're totally broke. They're eating lean cuisines every day. You come in and your boss's boss's boss's boss has come in and stolen your refrigerator.

That's nice.

MerlinThe thing that really stuck in my mind, maybe I'm maybe I've just become too much of a fancy lab but i'm like why don't you just like fucking call costco like go to the costco website and they will bring you a refrigerator that's how i got mine i'm trying to find it right now i've got a costco dorm fridge oh here we go i don't want to triangulate here i got the danby 4.4 cubic foot compact refrigerator energy star qualified and and they just brought it out to me that was all there was to it like why would you go steal somebody's refrigerator spend whatever 200 300

bucks get a refrigerator let's find out how much this one costs well you know what's weird is that

Maxum i don't know i don't want to divulge anyone's information but uh we had a friend of the show was a a uh white house a staffer in the oeob and uh wrote in on twitter and said that might have been my refrigerator which i bought with my own money and left behind for the next people to have oh my god he said sean spitzer stole a gift that's the democrats in a nutshell right this is the this is what the democrats do is they're like listen we when we came into this shitty building that you know this crumbling infrastructure that

is not enough to house the staff required to work in the white house we had no way to keep our lunches so i out of my own pocket i saved my money i went to the store i got a refrigerator i brought it into work then the next guy gets in and i don't like him i don't like him i don't like anything that he stands for, I disagree with him. But out of principle, when they go low, we go high.

AlexOut of principle,

MaxI'm going to be the principled good boy and I'm going to leave the fridge behind so we can have continuity of government, peaceful transition of power, and they can inherit this refrigerator. And then what happens? You make that show of goodwill and the fucking press secretary comes in and fucking steals it for his, I don't know what he keeps in there, his cocaine or something. His gum.

His cinnamon gum.

AlexThat stuff is not good when it's melted.

MaxThat's the Democrats. That's the Democrats in a nutshell. And then they go and hug John McCain.

MerlinOh, my God. Looks like about $260 you get one of these. You get a Danby 4.4 cubic feet.

AlexThis is a nice-looking fridge.

MaxWell, rest in peace to a friend of the show, Sean Spitzer. Sean, come on Dubai Friday. We'll have you as a guest. I'm not authorized to offer that, but I can bring it up with my co-hosts.

AlexWe'll see.

MaxYeah, I mean, there's procedures. But, Sean, come on Dubai Friday. Sweetie.

AlexI like how you're on a first name basis.

MaxOh, he's a listener. He's part of the Powder Nation. He's a Cox's cock if there ever was one.

AlexI mean, I feel like there's so few people, including Republicans, who feel empathy for this man that maybe he has a censor. And why couldn't he meet the Pope? I know.

MaxListen, I made a bad joke on Twitter. Sometimes I see everyone making jokes about something. this is like this is the curse of being like a designer or a comedy writer or knowing about fonts or like there's all these things those are terrible curses to have it is because like you see people like I could see people making jokes I'm like all you I don't even agree with this premise like I'm not on board with with the sympathy for John Spicer or whatever I fucked that guy he's a fucking collaborator when President Rosalind takes over he's going out the airlock

with all the other Cylons. So I don't even agree with these fucking sympathy jokes, but I see people making their lame-ass jokes, and they're getting faves, and I'm like, I can't help myself. I had to do the goddamn Harry Potter joke. And I don't even agree. I don't even on principle. I won't even stand by that. It was a cheap fave grab. I wanted those faves. I made the joke, and I got them. And it did not bring me happiness, let me tell you. It was hollow. It was empty. It was a hollow victory.

MerlinCommunions love to laugh. They love comedy. I love to just laugh and laugh and laugh. Happy, happy comedians.

MaxI couldn't stand people making their lame, bad jokes.

MerlinBecause they weren't landing it?

MaxAt least if you're going to do it, be fucking funny. Do a good version of it. But then I made it and I was like, here's the fucking joke you want. Here, I hope you animals enjoy this. And listen, I know a lot of our dumb listeners faved it. And they're like, that Harry Potter reference, it's just like that. It's not just like that. it's not just like that

Alexwhat a curse

Maxyou don't just fucking wait for the main bad guy to show up and defeat him and your problems are solved that's not how politics works it's not a story there is no hero defeating Trump is not like defeating Voldemort because the death eaters are still in control of the government it is not the West Wing it's not Harry Potter it's not any media it's not the Marvel Cinematic Universe it's the real world and you have to engage with politics in reality it drives me insane

Merlinyour self hate is delicious it's so expansive

Alexit really is, it's impressive

Merlinyou can't be made happy you can't stand having the joke and you can't stand not making the joke and then we tell you in our secret private chat Max don't make that joke and then you make the joke and then you're like I made that joke and now I'm sad what's wrong in the world it's because of your gift for fonts It's made life hard for you.

MaxI can't not do it.

MerlinNo, I know. I cannot not do it.

MaxListen, do you know what would make me happy is not being on Twitter? But I can't do it. I know. I wake up and I immediately go on Twitter and I'm like, what did the president, the president woke up in the middle of the night and he went to pee and it hurt and he was angry and he tweeted something.

MerlinWhat was it? Let's find out. He's been pretty voluminous. His mornings have been voluminous lately.

MaxWell, he's got some sort of awful kidney stone, and it's bothering him, and he's cranky late at night. I mean, I really try not to be like, Trump wants you to pay attention to this or not that or whatever. It's like he's not – there's no fucking mind games. But I do think when – I think this health care bill is very close to spiraling out of control. Like this situation is precipitous for the Republicans. It is very bad. And I think Trump truly believes in this idea that if things are not going well, one of the best strategies he has is just to create chaos of some form and that somehow in the ensuing brawl, you know, it's like a Looney Tunes fight where everyone just gets enveloped in like a big dust cloud and he'll be the one that gets like thrown out of the dust cloud.

MerlinI don't think it's even that complicated. I think it's, God, we got to just, Occam's raises the fucking shit out of this. He doesn't like feeling bad. And he doesn't like feeling like he's losing. And he doesn't like feeling.

MaxIf he doesn't like feeling bad, he shouldn't eat these mashed potatoes.

MerlinI totally agree up here. But also he just, he doesn't want to be seen looking like he's not winning. And he's got to say something. He's like somebody who's losing an argument like with his partner and then just like, yeah, yeah, but I'm good. Like I got you a nice thing for Christmas, right? Like he's trying to come up with all of this stuff. that he can throw and maybe it's to try and reach the base. Just if there's ever any concern or guessing, just know that he's saying it to make himself feel better right now. Yep.

AlexCan we listen to, Max has said this, that there are no funny jokes anymore. Only the Trump family is funny. And I still- Nobody is funny on Twitter.

MaxStop trying. Stop trying. Either tweet earnestly or tweet like Donald Trump. Those are the only two options.

AlexThe funniest thing to me is still this short clip That's not playing on my laptop.

Speaker BWonderful Americans were savagely murdered by an Islamic terrorist. This time, the terrorist targeted LGBTQ community.

Thank you. Thank you, Donald.

MaxThank you, Donald, for protecting the L-G-B-T squinting, looking at a Q card. Q, thank you for protecting us. What do you think he thinks the fucking T stands for?

MerlinIs there a way to spell that more phonetically?

AlexEvery month, I just, like, it's very sad. Thank you for protecting us from terrorists and kicking half my friends out of the military.

MaxWhat do you think the T stands for Trumps?

Alexthis is definitely the first time he said it in his entire life

Maxmy father is gonna do great things to protect the lgb trump community

Merlinyou gotta be careful because he he did with fake news he might do it with that one too you know questioning hillary's 30 000 tie-dyed emails well it just it's just democrats often

Maxthink that they can use, that they can do this sort of, by your own logic, these idiot arguments that they think are going to trip up Republicans. Like the one I'm seeing today after the trans people can't serve in the military tweet is people are saying, oh, Trump, he doesn't think we should have the strongest fighting force. Like he is for like weakening our military. Like that's going to fucking trick. Like there's going to be some Republicans scratching their head out there going like, oh well I hate trans people but I also do want a strong military so like which one do I support

like there's that they're not you're never gonna get them in like they're not like a it's not like when in a role-playing game where you have to defeat a robot by creating a logical paradox or something like that and they short circuit it doesn't it you're never gonna get them right like it just stop try it stop trying like you're never gonna make like like Trump fucking owns the like dumb analogy the dumb like like concern trolling analogy game you're never going to beat him on

Merlinthat it's just and you know i forgive me for getting to where i i think i'm where max was a week or two ago where i'm just like you know i'm just not even looking at it i need a little break need a little break um and you know anyway distraction distraction is a strong word but like boy it it for for not being a very bright guy he really is good at getting to change the headline for the entire day why are you not why are you all

Speaker Anot ignoring that bullshit

Merlinand just looking at the healthcare.

Speaker AJust look at the healthcare. Stop.

MerlinDon't be a crow. Don't be a crow. Don't stare at the healthcare.

MaxThere's no question that despite all of the other frightening things happening in the country, you know, Russia and LGBT and all these myriad issues, you know, who knows what's going to happen with the LGBT in the military? I'm going to guess probably nothing this week. There's no way to Well, because he didn't actually, I mean, the thing that came out after he made these tweets is he didn't actually talk to anyone at the DOD about this.

MerlinNo, no, I said to Alex before we started recording it, it's written in the style of someone who's a brand new landlord and leaves a note in the lobby of the apartment building. Please be advised that from now on all parking spaces will be in odd order. Thank you, the management. He's like, oh, done and done. I've done it. I'm finished here.

MaxYeah, I mean, for one thing, it's like the other issue is like it's unenforceable. Who decides who's trans and who's not? I mean, that's a legitimate question. And, you know, as many people have also pointed out on Twitter, there have been trans people either, you know, who pass or who nobody cares or whatever, who disguise themselves so they can serve. Since the Revolutionary War, there's always been trans people in the military. There always will be trans people in the military. We're never going to go back to the days of having a witch hunt to figure it out. Like, it's very hard to roll back that kind of social progress in the military.

But all of that – I'm sorry. I didn't mean to go off on a whole thing.

MerlinI want to fucking agree with you for a second. And like the thing is, and I, I'm going to, this is probably going to end up being very insulting to almost everyone. And that's going to have to be okay for a second, but it's insulting to both sides of the, of the continuum. But I think what a lot of us liberals, us smart people who are real good with logic, what we don't understand is the people that you are fighting with are not wracked with uncertainty, concern, and questioning in the way that we are. And we think that we can use like, you know, it's like the boot has no quarrel with the ant.

You know, when we throw all this bullshit at them about like, huh, you see, if Obama did that, there'd be a big meeting about that in Congress. And you're like, they're not like that though. They're not going, no. But the Republicans treated Hillary in this way. Right, and they're just going, you know what? That's great logic. I hate fags. Next issue. And you go like, do you realize how shocking that is? Like, no, it's not shocking. I've always hated fags. Next question. And you go like, but they're not homosexuals. They're trans. You go, yeah, I know. I hate fags. Move on. Next one. And you're like, but did no one see what they're saying? And they're like, no, I've always believed this. It's never going to be hard for me to make the decision about this. And you adding more words to this particular pie is not going to make it any more persuasive. That is my position.

MaxIt's a politics of domination and bullying, and they respect the power. They respect Trump saying, this is how it is, and I'm going to show this group that's weaker than me what's what. That's all there is to this. There's nothing more. And they don't even care. I actually would say my judgment about this is it's very unlikely that anything will change regarding the status of trans people serving in the military.

MerlinEspecially not tonight. Not tonight. Not this week. You got other stuff. Go look over there.

MaxMy feeling is I would be very surprised if it actually happens. But again, Republicans, I don't even think they care if it actually happens or not. What they care about is Trump is saying the right thing, right? He's like, I am one of you. He's like, I also like to bully these people. I am also threatened by the way the world is changing. I also want to reaffirm that you have cultural power and people like us are actually powerful and in charge. But I really didn't mean to derail about the trans-military thing because I do want to say like the only it's it's very very clear that with all the myriad issues happening the one thing

that matters this week is health care this is the domestic policy equivalent of the war in iraq and i don't know for our listeners if you're old enough to remember like what it was like when we went to war the war in iraq but it was like everybody lost their goddamn fucking minds it was very twilight zone it was like being in a zombie movie you were you know it was like what is wrong with you people like we're just gonna do this like no one's gonna do anything to stop it

MerlinEverybody had concerns, but voted anyway.

MaxIt didn't matter. It was like this unstoppable. It was like the train has left the station, and we're doing this war, and there was this fucking pageantry of debate.

MerlinYou guys, you guys, this is the wrong country. I know. We're going there. Like, it just was unstoppable.

MaxOr they would fabricate some dumb evidence that nobody believed. Even at the time, everybody knew it was bullshit, but they were like, wow, we can't be sure. There's facts on both sides. You know, it was like, and it was like, it felt so dumb. And there was this theater. There was a theater. there was like the kayfabe that we were talking about of debate and of protest and like oh we're gonna like decide this but it was already fucking decided there was never anything that was gonna happen other than this war was gonna occur and the same fucking thing is happening with healthcare right now you have a theater

of hearings in congress but it's decided like they're repealing Obamacare and I'm telling you I know I've said this before and I don't know why I'm yelling at the people who listen to this podcast it's like 10 people who aren't gonna do shit but I'm just mad about it It's like there has to be blowback for these people. Like it's done. I don't know that we can do anything more on this bill, but just create – like this has to be the worst week of their lives. Like they have to pay for this. If they do this and they don't at least pay, if we don't make them pay for this, then this will be the next thing and the next thing and the next thing and the next thing.

This will just be how Congress works. So I don't know that there's a lot of hope to like stop what's happening with health care. but people keep saying this dumb shit where they're like wow the Republicans are really going to pay if they do it they're not going to pay you have to make them pay and when I say you I mean like you the person listening to this like there is no one else other than you like what I am I don't know what people think like political activists and politicians are going to do like we're already doing what we can I'm fucking calling my congressman like anyone else like that's what there is I mean that's it if you feel like they should be

punished fucking go out and punish them That's all there is. It's like I don't know how else to express this feeling of like there is no man behind the curtain. There is no mechanism other than you picking up your phone and doing it. Like you're this, you know, like I even have talked to people who like work in the Senate, you know, for the Democrats in the Senate. And they're like, yeah, we can't do anything. Like we just show up to work and we watch this fucking steam train rolling through. And like, you know, it's like, what can you do? And, you know, I don't know. I don't know what they can do. Like, you know, they're hoping that people at home, they're hoping you figure it out.

So let me know if you figure it out.

AlexWell, I mean, that's the thing you say. We have to make them pay. But like what? I'm leaving voicemails. Like what? Good.

MaxKeep doing it. Yeah. Keep doing it. Call Dick Durbin's office and say, throw your body on the floor of the Senate and don't make it get arrested. I don't know. Like, do fucking do something.

AlexIt's like watching and like.

MaxThese fucking Democrats, like they're all like hugging John McCain after he comes back and he crawls out of his deathbed to strip healthcare away from millions of Americans. Like, what a piece of shit.

MerlinYeah, but then he gave that speech. That was a very moving speech.

AlexBut then he fucking, he said,

MerlinI won't vote for this bill in its current form. And then he fucking voted for the bill in its current form. Well, he's a maverick. Did this morning. He's a maverick.

MaxWild card.

MerlinHmm.

AlexI'm glad that the KFC Taco Bell has not deterred anyone. I do have like a throbbing MSG headache.

MaxOh.

MerlinI love MSG.

MaxYou guys want to talk about balls? Yeah.

AlexWait, what?

MaxWall Street Journal. I promise this one's good. businessmen Rob Ferretti and Jeb Lopez skipped work for a day of booze, steaks and prescription drugs at a hideaway outside Washington, D.C. The two pals married with children made a convivial and somewhat vulgar video as they drank and giggled away the hours before heading home. Neither man could drive afterwards, but their wives were remarkably supportive. Mr. Ferretti, 36 years old, and Mr. Lopez, 44, had enjoyed themselves under the supervision of a doctor for what

some are calling, get ready, a brosectomy. A vasectomy with friends in a cushy setting of couches, snacks, big screen TVs, and in some clinics, top shelf liquor. Quote, we thought it was going to be painful, said Mr. Lopez, who described the procedure as feeling like the sting of a rubber band. After that, we were just laughing. I guess it's from the alcohol, but we had such a great time. Hundreds of thousands of American men get vasectomies each year, according to the American Urological Association. Now that's a professional association, by the way. typically the procedures cost about $500

but gregarious types willing to spend a few thousand dollars are getting the procedure done together at clinics that look more like club launches quote we felt that it looks sterile like a doctor's office then guy oh excuse me edit this so I sound smart quote we felt that if it looks sterile like a doctor's office then guys wouldn't feel as comfortable said Shane Geib the urologist who snipped Messieurs Fioretti and Lopez leather sofas TVs and wood paneling at Dr. Gibes

Obsidian Men's Health in Tyson's Corner, Virginia help put patients at ease he said fake news Wall Street fucking journal, bitch

Alexthat's true

Maxso what doctor lets you drink while you're getting surgery? I demand I demand that you that I can defend my honor I demand satisfaction Google Google brosectomy Wall Street Journal this isn't some fucking

MerlinBorowitz report bullshit I checked and said no I know are you sure did you actually mean extreme cucking? Hmm. Let me see here.

MaxGo on Snopes. See what Snopes says.

AlexWell, now Snopes is problematic. No, they're problematic. You've got to donate now. Yep. No, it's sure.

MerlinYeah, you know what's a good idea? Give your website to your ad company and let them run everything. What could possibly go wrong?

MaxA limousine recently delivered a group of biotech employees from the same firm, he said, with jazz playing in the background, quote, I move like the wind, the doctor said, finishing each man after a song or two after about eight minutes. Okay, there's also a photo of this man, like, in a robe, holding a drink.

AlexI was so self-conscious, I snuck KFC into this building. Do these guys have no shame at all? He's like cheersing the camera.

MaxWait, you snuck KFC into the office?

AlexI was like waiting by the door for the Postmates. I'm like, I can't let anybody see.

MaxWhat do you think people thought when Kara brought 500 coffees in for the coffee episode?

AlexBut it's not. No, no, no. It's different.

MerlinI brought my daughter home from school. We go wash our hands. I come out. I walk into the kitchen and she will have something with the kernel on it between her thumb and her forefinger just looking at me. Like, what have you done? What have you done?

MaxMax how do you see the Wall Street Journal do you subscribe no no oh you mean how do I view it

MerlinI can only see the first paragraph of any of their articles

Maxoh you just it used to be media media right 101 how to source invent the paid you can only see three articles a month thing method number one Google News incognito mode incognito mode solves your problem 90% of the time. Just open the page in incognito mode. Because then it doesn't know how many articles it's made in a month. I think she might be Google. Article number two, excuse me, method number two, rather than click on the link, Google for the thing.

A lot of sites drop their paywall if you enter the website from Google for whatever reason. I don't know. They must view that as customer acquisition or something. So if you really can't get in, if you try everything else, Google it.

And then method number three, I don't have this. I actually forgot what it's called but there's a chrome plug-in do you know where i'm going with this there's a chrome

Merlinplug-in that you're the google search bot no no no no oh well that would be awesome that's that's some of what better does some of what better does is say show me what this page would look like with all the without all the horse shit because i'm pretending i'm google very interesting very very

Maxinteresting uh i would love to try that is fascinating but no what i'm talking about is there was something i think it may have been called like bug me not or something like that yeah and basically it was this huge database of everyone who is willing would contribute their credentials to different login sites. Totally. I totally remember that.

MerlinIt started out as a coupon site and then they got into like shared passwords.

MaxThat's right. And so basically you could go to almost any webpage and you just click the little button and it'd be like trying 500 different logins and you'd find one that worked and then you're in.

MerlinWell, the dirty little secret that came out, I'm sorry, I want to get back to your brosectomies in a sec, but it was the dirty little secret that came out of you because I'm always like, wait a minute. First of all, I, you know, I, I subscribe to the Washington Post and the New York Times. I do not want to give my money to the Wall Street Journal. I'm not going to give my money to Forbes. But yeah, sometimes I'd really like to... Wait a minute.

MaxIf you don't give your money to Forbes, how are you going to find out what the Forbes thought of the day is?

MerlinIt takes a heap of living to make a house a home. You can continue in 20 seconds. Hi, I'm Todd Forbes.

Jeremy, let down the portcullis. So, apparently, everybody's always like, oh yeah, check it out. Link, hot link, thread. Beep boop. Wall Street Journal. And I'm always like, fuck you guys gently. How do you see the fucking Wall Street Journal? Are you people telling me you fucking subscribe to the Wall Street Journal? What the fuck is wrong with you? And they're always going, I'm thread, burpee, Wall Street Journal. And then the news came out like two months ago that for years, years, the secret lying in plain sight is anybody could log into the Wall Street Journal with username media, password

media. And they only closed that like in the last two months. And all of a sudden, there's not so many Wall Street Journal links.

Maxcan you believe that media media the worst for me is trying to load news websites on my phone yeah it's like i can handle it on my browser like i i don't know like i guess i run enough i i guess i i think what happens is i run enough browser plugins that like it basically shows me the news article without too much bullshit i smell a challenge here opening a fucking news website on your phone and there's a fucking there's a dick bar on top dick bar Dick bars to the left of us. Dick bars to the right of us.

MerlinOne of my top bookmarklets now is kill the dick bar. Kill sticky. Do you have that up there?

AlexNo.

MerlinThere's a bookmarklet. Go Google kill sticky. And it's a bookmarklet that you click it. And it's smart about sniffing out. Is there some element near the top of the page in the CSS that's going to make a dick bar? And in some cases, like the New York Times does that really annoying. Here's other stories. You're like, no, stop following me. You hit kill sticky. Boom. Done. I took you off your brosectomy and I'm so sorry there's all kinds of problems with that story I realize it's probably an endoscopic procedure that's very simple and non-invasive what licensed medical

person lets you have drinks in a place where you get minor surgery

MaxI don't think you can I don't even think you can get I remember asking like when we went and got tattoos I was like am I allowed to be drunk when I do this and they were like absolutely not yeah they were like absolutely not they were like they were like we're not going to be accountable for some decision you make when you're drinking well that's i mean that's like a standard

Alexuh tattoo thing but i just imagine that this is a very that this is a private practice that has a ton of malpractice insurance and it costs five times more than a regular vasectomy would and

Maxyeah it's a the only i guess that the humor for me partially comes from just like how fucking crazy people's conceptions of masculinity are. Yeah. Because it's like, there's this whole macho, like, I'm just out with the boys, just hanging with my dogs, getting our balls snipped, you know? It's like, we're just going to have a fucking, we're going to go into the man cave, there's going to be some leather chairs, some hot girls, some sports on the tube, we're just going to get our balls snipped. Just me and my dogs.

You know what I'm saying?

MerlinHey, bro, bro, bro, bro, bro, can you keep those for me? You put those in a bottle or something for me, I take them home? Yeah. Check it out, Linda.

MaxBro, watch this. I'm going to chug this shit and then get my balls snipped.

MerlinYeah, yeah, yeah. Let's go out. You and me tonight. We'll go and blow a guy. We'll blow a guy. You and me, we'll blow a guy. We'll get some drinks. We'll shoot some darts. Maybe we'll blow two guys.

MaxJust me and my boys. Yep. Having a night on the town. Suck them some dicks.

MerlinIt's not gazing. Don't swallow. We'll go down to JJ Glory holes. It's like a Dave and Busty stick to blow people. It's super masculine. Yo, bro, bro. Bro, bro, bro.

MaxJust me and my dogs. We're out on the town. We're just gonna blow dick after dick after dick

MerlinWe're gonna blow so many fucking dicks And we're just gonna get mani pedis and some white wine And we're just gonna go fucking chomp down on some fucking burger dicks Just fucking loaded nachos On the side Just fucking balls in my mouth man

AlexGod Bro bro

MerlinHold my solo cup

MaxBro let me take this dick out of my mouth It's a better way to cook No this is off to be edited out

AlexDog dick dog dick Dog dick

MaxIf I have this cookie sitting in front of me.

AlexEat the cookie.

MaxI'm already feel bad. I'm trying to weigh, is the cookie going to taste good enough in my mouth versus how bad I'll feel in 10 minutes?

MerlinYou're a cookie precog. You already know how it's going to turn out.

MaxI know. The precogs are never wrong. This cookie is going to put me over the top. but I'm going to feel nauseous if I eat this. What's funny is that's me with KFC every time,

Merlinwhere I'm like, don't get in there. And you're like, yeah, but you really like that chicken so much, and you're so hungry. Tell Kara to clear my schedule. I'm going to eat this cookie.

MaxGrace? Max is going home early.

MerlinJack into the Matrix. California.

MaxJust having a night out with the bros, jacking into the Matrix, if you know what I mean.

Merlindo do do boo boo did you have something about how you don't like pandas are you still going to carry

Alexon with this i i i need to tell my read my panda story all right um okay so the the the the the what is it the telegraph um is this the world's best job zookeeper pretends to be panda as he cuddles cups so what this is is a zookeeper dressed up as a panda in like he stands up like a terrible Disney or Six Flags attraction character. Not like a panda on all fours or anything.

No, just a standing up two-legged panda, wrestling and playing with panda cubs because if the pandas have any interaction with humans, they will die in the wild because they're useless and terrible and so bad at existing. Why, like someone is paid and they have to smear the fucking suit with urine and panda feces because, and that tricks the pandas like if you dress up as a giant cat your cat's not going to be like oh cool another cat like that's how fucking stupid pandas are can i run a theory by you here yes so

Maxyou know how a lot of people are like they're like they're like oh they're like the tumblr generation like these kids these they're all snowflakes and they're trigger like oh like are you like triggered go right on your tumblr about it and complain about you know you take your degree and like gender and write about other kin or whatever. You know this whole like Tumblr community where everyone has a fursona and they're all other kin and they're like, well, I'm actually a mermaid trapped in a human's body or all of this. Okay, I think a lot gets said about them

that's very mean and disparaging. But however, who's going to grow up to wear the panda suit and help the pandas procreate? It's these Tumblr kids who are, the panda is their fursona. So we're, I mean, I think this, we're raising a generation of animal, you know, fuck assistants. I don't know what the clinical term for that is.

MerlinSorry. That's what it's called, fuck assistant. I hadn't even thought of that. You're right. There's so many kinds of animals that could be tricked into thinking it's a, you get somebody who, that's a man dressed as a large, well, a species fluid person comes in as a fox with giant boobs. And then they're able to go in. And what's great is the zoo

Maxdoesn't even have to provide the fox costume. No, no, it's already there. It's dry cleanable.

AlexGod, this fucking video. The pandas are like humping the head of this. They're so dumb. They're sweet.

MerlinThey're so sweet.

AlexYeah, let's domesticate them. People got mad at me. Go read the Wikipedia page. These animals are classified as carnivores. They are supposed to eat meat. They don't. They just eat bamboo all day. Look, they want to snuggle, Alex.

MerlinThey're snuggling.

AlexThey're like me on a bad day just eating a loaf of sourdough bread, and then they feel terrible. and people are like, oh, deforestation is ruining their habitats. No, hundreds and hundreds of years ago, people learned how to farm and they cut down a little bit of bamboo and now there aren't as many pandas.

MerlinWe should teach the pandas to code. Maybe somebody can come in dressed as like someone with an associate's degree who teaches coding online. You can come in.

MaxListen, if the pandas didn't want to live in the zoo, they should have applied themselves and worked harder and not earned the right. To have a studio apartment. Too much of that bamboo toast.

MerlinBreaking. Snooty the manatee dies and a Florida community mourns. Two days after his 69th birthday, Snooty the manatee. Nice. Nice.

Speaker AI'm sorry. I'm sorry.

MerlinGame recognized game. Rachel Sperling. The manatee drowned after being trapped by a hatch door. Oh, man. After being what? Dig, dig, dig. You have to cut all of that out. Two days after his 69th birthday.

AlexNo.

MerlinNice. Nice. And Snooty the manatee has died. And what the South Florida Museum says was, quote, simply a heartbreaking accident, unquote. The manatee drowned after being trapped by a hatch door. The oldest manatee in captivity, the aquarium staff, is heartbroken, literally heartbroken, says Jeff Rogers. Look at Snooty. He got trapped in a hatch door? Trapped in a hatch door. La, la, la. What does that mean?

AlexLike, to clean out tanks, there's typically a little holding period. Wait, why do you know this? I really like dolphins and marine mammals, guys. They have a little, like, holding door. Fuck pandas. And so this is terrible. It wasn't a freak accident. These people killed poor Snooty. Snooty was born.

MerlinLet me put this in another way. So Snooty was, as you know, 69.

AlexNice.

MerlinSnooty, that makes Snooty born in 1905. 48. Nice.

MaxI mean, good for him. Listen, if he didn't want to get trapped in a hatch, he shouldn't have had a smooth brain. He should have a smooth Mike Cernovich brain. Listen, don't make me get my calipers out. He's got the manatee mindset. Have some wrinkles in your brain if you don't want to get caught in a hatch door. That's what I always say.

MerlinThat's where all the ideas go. That's a life hack. Look, it's snooty. Get a job. Yeah. Get a job. He's like Keith Hoberman. Mr. Manatee sir if you want to own a house you should not be slipping through a hatch sir

AlexMillennials are killing the manatees

Show notes

Transcript

35. A Bear of Honey

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