26. People Have Died Here

AlexThis is Do By Friday, the weekly challenge podcast with Merlin Mann, Alex Cox and Max Temkin.

Speaker AThis week's challenge, try powders.

MaxIt's 7 a.m. right now. Where are you? Hawaii. Hawaii.

Speaker AIt's pretty great.

Merlinhate the food hate the food wait is this a is this a bit it's not a bit i just i don't like i

Maxdon't like spam and shave ice ah literal what is wrong with you this is honestly this is some of the best food i've ever eaten in my life yeah right i'm not gonna argue with that but like

Alexall of your instagram is spam photo literal spam and no no sunsets there's no dolphins

Maxoh we're working all the time i don't have a time to see any dolphins but i did eat a spam musubi from 7-eleven and it's one of the best things i've ever eaten it was incredible listen

Merlinto you anthony bourdain did you have do you have roosters where you are when we were in hawaii there were roosters and they got up really fucking early every day uh on this retreat

Maxwe're staying at uh former united states president barack obama's house so i can report that there are no roosters here okay well that's just you're the only cock there that that's sure

Alexsomething. Am I right?

MaxWe're staying at Obama's winter White House. Sure, Max, whatever.

AlexOh, no big deal. Alright. Alex, is he

Merlinwhat he's saying true?

AlexI don't know why he would lie about this. I don't know how he could lie about this. We're all taking

Maxturns sleeping in Obama's bedroom. Oh, not good. We all have one night in Obama's bedroom. We all wake up And the person staying in Obama's bedroom comes out and goes, well, let me just say good morning.

MerlinThe mattress was...

MaxLet me be clear. I slept very well.

MerlinI slept very well. Mattress.

AlexSo on the last day, are you going to get someone to pee on it? Do it. You should just take pictures of each other peeing on the entire house.

MaxI mean, we've befouled this house, but it's not politically motivated.

Speaker AMore like farts against humanity.

MaxI am drinking Obama's coffee out of Obama's coffee mug. I'm about to sit in Obama's chair by Obama's pool. Whoa. Yeah, it never gets old. Everything in this house is Obama's whatever.

Obama's porn stache.

AlexObama's mustache comb. I bet it's the most tasteful porn, and it's only women wearing black or blue suits. Gray or blue? I'm not, I don't know the canonical suit. Is that a thing?

MerlinI think I could kind of get into it. Like blazers?

AlexOh, yeah, definitely. Well, I'm sitting at what I guess would be Max's desk in the studio and drinking Max Tempkin's Diet Coke. So there's that.

Speaker AI got that going for me.

MaxAlex you're gonna be like that teenager who died from drinking too many energy drinks that was so sad that's I just want to say for the record that I just want to say that he drank so he drank like what was it a diet or like a seven up or something no no no cafe latte and

Merlinan energy drink and a diet coke was that right I've had that much in 20 minutes in my life but that's less than Alex had on the last episode of our show I went back and listened and I feel like I heard a can cracking about six times during the show it was the array of energy drinks in front

Alexof Alex was frightening I've cut down to about two a week it's it's getting better how big are the two is it like a barrel no no no it's like the the two like a sweetums child size

Maxi'm trying to decide what to do here i think i was going to sit in obama's chair but i think i'm going to walk down to obama's beach and maybe i'll i can take a picture of the sunrise oh nice oh

Alexthank you that would make your followers very happy is so is is there a desk that's like have you named any of the desks in the house like is there one that was clearly his desk

Maxso in if you if you google this this house has a wikipedia entry and there's photos of obama signing some legislation and like having meetings here. And we think we found like most of the tables and stuff where he was working in those photos. Oh, my goodness. This place looks nice. Oh, it's it's incredible. We had this is the first trip. So one of the cards partners lives in Hawaii, which is why we did the retreat out here, because he's always the one who has to fly like eight hours to get to our retreat. So this time we all flew to him and we hired like a planner to like figure out how we all

should travel here. And she did a very nice job and found us this incredible house.

MerlinAre you in Obama's helicopter right now, Max? No, I'm walking down to the beach. Oh, sorry. Okay. I'm just sitting here drinking seltzer like a bitch.

AlexI know. I mean, I have to be honest. Before I had this Diet Coke, I went to McDonald's at 8 a.m. this morning and said, may I have a frozen Coke, please? And then sat there for 20 minutes while they turned on the frozen coke machine. Good for you. I have to walk through

MaxObama's plants here. Hang on.

MerlinEvery time you add Obama to something, it sounds like a Maya Angelou book.

Speaker AObama's plants.

MaxA little too close to the waves. This is so soothing. Are you doing this over your phone, Matt? How are you doing this? Do not get the Zoom recorder in the back current.

AlexIt's a big week. We can't lose yet.

MerlinWe have got a... Oh, God. I don't even know where to begin.

MaxOkay.

MerlinMax probably doesn't have anything to read. He doesn't have his files with him.

MaxOh, I think I've got my phone. I don't know. Who cares, man?

MerlinYeah, that's right.

MaxIt's the Hawaii lifestyle. Yes. Nothing matters.

MerlinSorry you've reached Fiji.

MaxOh, this is very pleasant. Let me send you guys a little picture of my recording studio here.

MerlinDo I need an Instagram for this?

AlexNo, no.

MerlinOh, did you see those Snapchat earnings?

AlexMerlin, going to be honest, normally I would be all on this earnings train, but those waves sound so good. Holy shit.

MerlinYeah. You love to chill. You just love to chill. Just spark a doobie and prop it up at the beach. Just kick your feet up. Walk the cat.

AlexI would be terrified to ever consume some of my artisanal herbs in public. I've never. Oh, really? Oh, my God. That's so fucking beautiful. Oh, no. Do you have a little teacup there?

MaxYeah, it's Obama's cappuccino maker. I made a cappuccino.

Speaker ADid you make it the way you like it?

MaxYeah.

MerlinLet me tell you, it's not a big glass of milk. Man, Obama gets it, man.

Alexthis is the future democrats one oh i i this is great radio listening to waves and looking at a photograph that none of our listeners can see but you got a coconut you got a lid from uh

Merlinlooks like a lid from a calistoga you got a coconut you got some kind of like is that obama's trash

Maxit's obama's trash oh man there's been all week all week there's been kite surfers that seems to be kind of the cool thing happening on the beach, at least in this little area. Have you guys ever seen a kite surfer?

AlexOh yeah, I've been kite surfing.

MaxYou? Wait, excuse me?

AlexOh, well, sorry. Yeah, it's like one level up from parachuting, or parasailing, and I was like, oh. So we're talking about the thing where you're behind the boat, and you're in sort of like a hang glider type thing, right? And then the boat pulls you along.

MaxThis is very different. Well, not very different. On this one, this is a guy on a surfboard. And he is holding, he's standing up upright on a surfboard. No, you're on a surfboard. And you're surfing, but you're also holding a huge sort of parabolic kite that's, like, bigger than you are. And this kite is pulling you over the waves, and you're moving, like, he can go, like, backwards over the waves and do, like, huge jumps. There's no boat anywhere in the area.

AlexSo it's this thing, right? I just sent you.

MaxOh, look at that. That looks really dangerous.

AlexI've done that. I just look way less cool doing it. It's just way more sad.

MerlinWhat are you saying? You're a hard body. I bet you look great.

AlexWell, I just fall down a lot. Hang on.

MerlinYou've done that?

AlexMax.

MerlinThat does seem weird. No, Alex, don't front. It does seem really weird that you've done that.

AlexI tend to become a different person around. I really, really like the ocean. I hate beaches. Beaches are terrible. But once you get into the ocean, it's great. Interesting. Yeah, I'm a big title person. How was it?

MaxWere you able to like stand up on the thing?

AlexOh, for like 10 seconds at a time? Yeah. Nice.

MaxI was not like... These guys are just fucking flying all over the place. It looks so cool. And eventually, I've been watching them all week. We've been sitting at Obama's table like arguing over whether Mexicans is funnier than a Mexican for over one hour. I'm a pickle. and I'm just like staring forlornly through the window at these like, at these like fucking awesome kite surfers just flying through the sky. And I eventually Googled kite surfing accident compilation. And I highly recommend, I highly recommend it.

It's a lot of really good ones of them. Just like, cause what happens is like the wind catches you and it just sort of.

AlexOh yeah.

MaxAnd then the wind keeps dragging you over the rocks.

AlexIt's horrific. But also keep in mind, I do this in Naples, Florida where there is no surf. So I'm just, there's a lot of wind and I'm just like, okay, keep pulling, keep pulling. Uh, but I highly recommend parasailing for anybody

Merlinwho doesn't want to kite surf. Yeah. Alex does sports. It's your sports corner. I'm very impressed.

AlexUh, Max, what's the best thing that you've done other than deciding between, uh, articles before

Maxwords in cards. The best thing we've done, we ate at a place called Mitch's Fish Market, which is kind of by the airport, and that is some of the best sushi I've ever had in my life. And we went, actually, thus far, the only recreational activity we've done is we went snorkeling at Hailua Bay, I think that's the place. And it was pretty cool. They make you watch this, it's a park, but in order to enter the park you have to watch this horrifying informational video and they're

like don't provoke the animals and they show this like gnarly ancient eel like coming out of a cave and like baring its teeth at you and i don't know why they show why would they show that to you before you get in the water because i was i was terrified of the eel i made the other guys go

Merlinfirst the entire time i bet part of it is just sensible part of its liability you ever been a place we have these at our beach where it says it's one of those signs that begins with people

Speaker Ahave died here you ever seen those times no it's so great no it's like no no no seriously i know

Merlinyou're used to blow here's the thing i know you're used to blowing off signs and having your child carrying a bowling ball into the surf it's important for you to understand people have died here

Maxoh my god we need to put that up on our office first thing you see when you come in

MerlinReturn your office supplies to the office supply room. People have died here. Add that to the whiteboard for me. I want that one on the sign.

AlexOh, for people who don't know, I know you guys don't like to talk about the show on the show, and I don't like to talk about the office on the show, but we have a marquee on the Cards Against Humanity office. Oh, okay. Yeah, that's what I'm suggesting. People don't know that. Why would people know that? People aren't creepy.

MerlinI follow you guys. I'm one of your, like, seven followers on Twitter, and I even suggested my wife follow it because it's funny.

AlexFave every selfie. That's why I don't tweet anymore.

MerlinWill you put that into show notes, please, Alex?

AlexPut what?

MerlinGrace, would you please put a link to your funny sign Twitter into the show notes?

AlexI will.

MerlinI've been trying not to look at the news. Is there anything going on? No, it's all good. Basically, everyone is, it was avocado toast, and now it's who doesn't like Jimmy Fallon is what we're talking about today.

AlexI mean, there's new MacBooks coming out. There's an automation conference that I'm really excited about. What else? Handmaid's Tale's getting pretty good.

MaxYou guys want to hear about my slave?

AlexI mean, the answer to that really is no.

MaxAsk me about my slave. Can I ask you a question about the slave story that I'm a little bit confused by? I don't even know what this is.

MerlinThis is the most trafficked Atlantic article ever, and it's a sad story about somebody and they didn't realize they had a slave.

Speaker ANo, this isn't funny. Oh, God.

MaxIt's not funny. It's in the Atlantic, and I thought it was a very beautiful piece, and it's about a guy who grew up, and his family were first-generation immigrants, and they had a slave. Yeah. And he wrote about the very complicated relationship that he had growing up with his slave. It was complicated.

MerlinThat was the nature of the relationship? It was complicated?

MaxOh, God. Every... Oh, my God. The waves are slowly encroaching on me here. This is bad. Basically, when it first went up, everyone was like, wow, read this really touching article about this guy and his relationship with his family's slave. And then by the end of the day, everyone was just ripping this guy apart and talking about how it was an object lesson and how bad slavery was. And people were mad at him for writing it and mad at him for having the slave.

And it's like, why are they mad? It wasn't, he didn't, it's not his slave, it was his parents' slave What are you supposed to do when your parents give you a slave?

AlexUh, get rid of the slave I can think of a lot of things to do

MaxHe tried to, it's in the article

AlexCheck your privilege I'm gonna say hard pass and I'm okay with not liking this guy immediately I look forward to reading about, what would you call this article? The accidental slave? Oh god, this is so, oh that's

Maxno that's

Merlinthat's the NBC sitcom that will be based on the article

Alexit got pretty complicated toward the end nope nope nope nope nope

Merlinmy slave oh my god now what network would that be on? is that a CW show? where would that be? is that maybe FXX?

Alexoh no this is this is definitely CBS it's gonna it's gonna air right after the Big Bang Theory and nobody's gonna question whether or not it's

Speaker ABazinga

Alexdid you know

Merlindid you know the Bazinga guy has a partner? he's a gay fella he's a gay fella

AlexOh, is he gay? Really? Oh, wow. Nobody knew that.

MerlinI bet Max didn't. Bazinga! You guys, we have so much to talk about. I mean, do we want to even attempt to discuss anything?

AlexThe other day, someone's like, I really like your politics show. And it's like, it's not so much that I engage in any of this. I was like, the politics show happens.

MerlinSome people also like the Apple technology show that we do.

MaxTime Magazine. In about four weeks, Trump expects his wife and youngest son to join him in the mansion, and when they arrive, life is almost certain to change. But tonight, it's all business, and the Blue Room has been lit with nearly a dozen votive candles. The table is set with yellow roses, and the Washington Monument is neatly framed in the south window. The waiters know well Trump's personal preferences. As he settles down, they bring him a Diet Coke, while the rest of us are served water. with the vice president sitting at one end of the table. With the salad course, Trump has served what appears to be Thousand Island dressing instead of the creamy vinaigrette for his guests. When the chicken arrives, he is the only one given an extra dish of sauce.

At the dessert course, he gets two scoops of vanilla ice cream with his chocolate cream pie instead of the single scoop for everyone else.

Speaker AOh, boy.

MaxThe tastes of Pence are also tended to. Instead of the pie, he gets a fruit plate. Mother, mother. Who's prepared the fruit plate? then it goes on to say uh so everyone made fun of trump getting two scoops of ice cream when everyone else gets one scoop of ice cream which also you know what the other here's the i have a couple of observations about this observation number one is he's probably going to die soon because this guy's eating two boats of gravy and two scoops of ice cream with his he he eats the a burnt steak he eats like a like a milk steak boiled over hard every single night with ketchup

MerlinAnd I believe the ice cream is served with chocolate cake a lot of the time.

MaxYes, it was chocolate. It was two scoops of ice cream with his chocolate cake. And did you also see the interview that Trump gave where he was like, Trump does, he believes in like a Victorian theory of health. He says the body is like a battery that can be depleted.

AlexIt's so crazy.

MaxRight. He's like, all the marathon runners I know, they all like blew out their knees and like died young because they used up all their energy. But I don't, he's like, my only exercise is I stand behind a podium for 30 minutes a day. So that's all the exercise I need. Like, he's probably going to keel over and die anymore.

AlexI was reading something the other day, and I don't know the validity of, I've never heard of it, from the week. And it's called It's Time to Talk About Trump's Mental Health. And there's this clip from the Larry King show where it's still, and it's from 1990, and it's still, like, crazy Trump. But he's way more articulate. He does the same thing where he, like, repeats words and phrases. But you don't sound, he doesn't sound fucking crazy. Like, if we, if he had Alzheimer's or if he developed, like, early onset dementia, would we know?

Would anybody be like, eh?

MaxWell, he's also, like, he's sleeping, like, four hours a day and eating garbage and constantly stressed. Like, and he has been for, like, two years because he's been on the campaign trail. Like, it's like his normal baseline level of unhealthiness and, like, not taking care of himself and not sleeping times, like, two years. And I mentioned. Also, okay.

MerlinOh, go on. I was going to say, I mentioned this to you guys yesterday when I was, well, now that I've got Hulu TV, I get to watch press conferences on my iPad. But I was watching his press conference with Erdogan, which he said, I think, three times, Erdogan. They got the diacritical right in his tweet, but he kept calling him the wrong name. And I don't mean to be Kent from Veep here, but it was really, really frustrating because every person watching it knew that he was pronouncing it wrong. But in that press conference, he looked, even for him, uncharacteristically weird colored, like tomato-like. It looks like his – it looked – as you know, as a professional, I can't diagnose people from a remove.

But he looks like his blood pressure is going through the roof right now. He does not look like he's having a good time right now. And on top of it all, all this stuff – see, I don't even have words to talk about what's happened in the last two days. Because I still have not gotten permanently broken to where I get used to how insane everything is. And it still feels freshly insane every day, which I can't believe after 120 days. But he's going to fucking overseas. He's leaving town. People are going to be rooting through his drawers.

Speaker AHe's bringing all of his people with him, mostly. We'll see. We'll see if he goes.

MerlinOkay, here's what I was saying last night.

Speaker AI said this last night on the Tudor.

MerlinBecause you know how much he hates every aspect of this trip. He hates it. He likes to poop on his own potty. You know, he pees in somebody else's bed, but he likes to poop on his own potty. He likes to be in his big boy bed with his trucks, and it kills him. I know this is old news, but can you imagine the prospect, him looking down the barrel of 10 days of international travel in different places where he can't dependably play golf, get the Coke he wants, or have good cell phone coverage. Can you imagine? Just the prospect of that must be so unnerving.

Israel, apparently, reportedly, is talking about canceling because of the, again, apparent risk, the person who was put into harm's way because of his revelation of information. But then on the other hand, like you say, Max, it would be a total cuck move to cancel the trip at this point. He would look – he knows in his head he would look so weak for canceling it. What do you think is going to happen?

MaxOh, I think he'll go. And I think – the other thing I'm concerned about is he's giving this speech in Saudi Arabia on Islam.

AlexOh, that's right.

MaxSo he has four days to learn about Islam.

AlexIt's a lot more complicated than he thought.

MaxI'm guessing it'll be like his Mexico visit where he'll sort of give a timid speech. He's not trying to go there and start a religious war, right? He'll go there and he'll read his teleprompter and he'll say some timid stuff. But then when he gets back, he's going to say some really crazy shit.

MerlinThat's what he did with Mexico.

MaxJust like in Mexico.

MerlinOn the same day, he came back and said things that were essentially antithetical to what he had just said. Because he is, you know, I don't usually talk like this. I've been up in my powders. I'm becoming more of an alpha. I'm going to say it. He's fucking chicken shit. He is so scared of confrontation. He's so scared of any any situation where he could potentially not look the way he thinks that he looks. This is a narrative that now is making everything makes so much more sense to me now is that every decision he makes is based on whether he looks weak. It's not even whether he looks powerful. He wants to look powerful.

But mainly is that he cannot look weak because it and he needs constant, constant reminders that everybody likes. Did you see where his staff is now using his name in his briefings? They use his name frequently in the briefings. It's the only way they can make sure that he will keep reading it is if he sees his own name.

MaxFrom that Time article about the dinner, there was one more paragraph that caught my interest. They said, at length, Trump discusses the small details of military procurement, including the reasons why more costly digital catapult systems on new aircraft carriers don't work as well as the old driven systems. Quote, time and material means you're going to get your ass kicked, he said, of the common government contracting method, which often leads to cost overruns. Whoever heard of time and material? So I was very curious about this because the notion of Trump eating his two scoops of ice cream and holding forth on why the digital catapult systems on new aircraft carriers don't work well, it caught my attention.

I was like, that doesn't seem right. That doesn't seem like a thing that Trump could sort of hold forth about at a dinner party to a reporter. and sure enough time has also released a much lesser known transcript of their conversation and this little thing on the catapult uh was in there and i will now read it to you are you guys sitting down okay yep yep ready this is all a quote from um united states president donald j trump you know the catapult is quite important so i said what is this sir this is our digital catapult system he said well we're going to this because we wanted to keep up with modern technology

I said, you don't use steam anymore for catapult? No, sir. I said, ah, how is it working? Sir, not good. Not good. Doesn't have the power. You know the steam is just brutal. You see that sucker going and steam's going all over the place. There's planes thrown in the air. It sounded bad to me. Digital. They have digital. What is digital? And it's very complicated. You have to be Albert Einstein to figure it out. And I said, and now they want to buy more aircraft carriers. I said, what system are you going to be? Sir, we're staying with digital. I said, no, you're not. You're going to goddamn steam.

The digital costs hundreds of millions of dollars, more money, and it's no good.

Speaker AOh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

MerlinAnd also another great example of this tick that I guess pretty much everybody acknowledges at this point. Listen to the way I'm saying this. Is his whole, like, who could understand this thing? Nobody could ever expect. People are saying. He cannot stop projecting pretty much everything that's on his mind in the moment. Or as the uncharacteristically very articulate David Brooks said, it's like six fireflies leaping in a jar.

MaxWell, but David Brooks, first of all, we got to talk about David Brooks for a second because I learned an amazing trivia about him recently. But what he said in that piece, it's not that the fireflies were in Trump's head. It's that he was making fun of that he said the smartest people in the world and all the foreign intelligence agencies and every reporter in the country, they're trying to figure out what's going on in Trump's head exactly like we are right now and they're speculating about it and trying to figure out what's the motive, what's the strategy, what's the plan

Merlinwe've got this perverse situation in which this is quoting David Brooks from his article when the world is led by a child third to the last paragraph we've got this perverse situation in which the vast analytic powers of the entire world are being spent trying to understand a guy whose thoughts are often just six fireflies beeping randomly in a jar

Maxyou know congrats to David Brooks too because he just got married, and I've got the New York Times style section article about his marriage. It says, New York Times columnist David Brooks wed Ann Snyder as former research assistant on Sunday. And I saw people talking about this, and I was like, oh, that's interesting. I wonder what her deal is. And I went to look on it, and this woman was, he started cheating on his former wife with the research assistant on his book, which was called The Road to Character. And then to his, I guess, to his credit, question mark, he eventually dumped the wife and married the

research assistant. So Mazel Tov. That was very brave. The Road to Character by David Brooks. Maybe he and Newt Gingrich should get a show together.

AlexOh, God. All right. Merlin, I have a question for you. You know, back when you were Merlin Mann and you wrote a wonderful piece called Better, you had some opinions about politics and I'm just wondering how just for your like mental capacity how can you just sit and watch this all day like i can't i have to like

Maxliterally wait wait wait merlin used to write about politics no merlin used to talk about not

Alextalking about politics yes yes it didn't matter as much well that's well can i can i answer the

Merlinquestion max why don't you enjoy obama's beach for a minute and let the big boys talk um no i uh no that but you know what actually max is right that's exactly the difference is that what frustrated to me was that was during the heat of the obama uh campaign and as much as i hope that obama won like really really hoped i found it this is not very interesting but you know i all my friends were so ass over tea kettle about barack obama and were buying fucking posters of him and i was

like and there was this part of it that like was so and then everything just got so me me me me me and like, oh no, they did this and they did that. And it's like, okay, I get it. I get the import of this. I get the importance. I hope he wins too. But you understand that like, when you start buying posters of a political candidate, you're moving into a really fucking weird realm. That is an Illinois politician that you are trying to elect. Do you imagine that how many other, what are you gonna put Blagojevich on a poster? It's an Illinois politician. That's his job. His job is to be a guy who gets shit done.

But like having like Shepard Fairey posters about him was really frustrating. but yes i mean i'm glad he won yay yes you're trying here just just to be clear you're explaining this to guy who's staying in obama's house i love i mean i've never loved the guy more than i have in the last 120 days let's be honest no i like the guy but he's a fucking politician like you

Maxyou you of all people i will say this i of all people understand i have a different interpretation of this which is i've worked for a lot of politicians i've worked for a lot of Illinois politicians um and their Obama is uh uncharacteristically special there there is only I mean it's possible in my lifetime I will only ever have one one Obama that I work for okay I

Merlindon't have access to that information but as a consumer of news I'm just here to tell you that we treat the more that we treat anything like fucking pro wrestling the further we get from reality it's fine to like sports it's fine to be interested in politics but when you start treating it like it's the fucking yankees like that you're moving in the wrong direction and i i hope you could at least partially agree with that because that seems to very much go to your occasional twitter rants about how ranting on twitter isn't enough so that's all i'm trying to say now with

Maxthat said i do i do i do agree with that but also i like i want to win elections and and appealing to in group identity is like pretty much the only way to win elections right now so it is sort of like, you know, I building that cult that having the propaganda and the cult of personality and all of that around an identity issue is like pretty much what gets people to vote nowadays. Kind of depressing.

MerlinAs far as today, take that feeling that almost all of us have had at some point in our life, which is that feeling of my job feels weird right now. Like the environment here feels strange. Things keep getting weirder. There's talk of layoffs. I'm talking about a very benign example here, but let's take something as benign as, okay, I've been here for a couple years. I'm really starting to worry that my job is going to go away, and you become an insane person. You start looking into every single detail to figure out what it means.

You're reading tea leaves and throwing chicken bones and doing all kinds of bullshit to try and make the world make sense in a way that it can't be made to make sense. Now, take that and add some real stakes to it. That, to me, has been the world since July. where every I have this like everybody I not like everybody like many people I have this like unresolvable feeling of there is no way this could happen right exactly alongside I can't believe that this is happening and then on top of it all it seems to get approximately one and a

half times worse every week for a while that's why it's hard to walk away from because I know there are stakes and I know that even though this guy is going to go down at some point there's going to be, if not irreparable, at least very consequential structural damage to what we think of as how a country runs. And I don't even have to make this about my daughter. I'm going to make this about me. It makes me incredibly sad and anxious. And now I'm that guy who's trying to listen in on conference calls that the boss is having to figure out if I'm going to get fired. Only the stakes are incredibly high.

MaxI actually think it's more fundamental than, I think that people are worried about losing their jobs or they have economic anxiety or whatever that all those those sort of explainers are i think that's almost too rational in a way i mean that's certainly a component of it but i think what people i know no i was i was that was an analogy i didn't make i'm not trying to say this is about jobs what i'm trying to i i understand i see i see i see i mean people yeah all i was all i was going to add to that is like people are worried about losing their jobs but they're worried about more importantly they're worried about what the their identity which is

what the job represents they're not worried about you know the way to understand politics is is very similar to design it's not about what it is it's about how it feels so people aren't worried about losing their job which is which is what's happening to them they're worried about how it feels which is emasculation you're uncertain you know the consequences of not having a job are terrible in this country you lose your health care you lose your dignity and that's why that's why it sort of expresses itself in terms of like you're worried about a black man fucking your wife it's like it's all about being emasculated and getting getting cocked right it's like it's

people people go it's it's about it's about like losing their station and their dignity more than it's about losing their paycheck anyway who wants to read the alex jones thing

Alex, hang on. How did you, can you tell me, I'm sorry, I'm watching the guys out here, they're just starting to kite surf, and I'm trying to imagine you on this board, and there's this huge fucking parasail overhead, and you're bending your knees, and you're fucking catching air, going backwards off these waves, and doing like flips and shit. You did this?

AlexI want to make it clear that I did not do any flips or any kicks of any sort, And whenever there was even the slightest bit of surf, usually I would fall down. Like it is. And the reason that they have the only reason that there was a boat nearby is that if you're really fucked it up, like usually like the kite will stay in the air and you just kind of like pull yourself back up. And also my board was like attached to my feet, kind of like a boogie board. So like if I fell off, the board was still attached.

So again, many caveats. It still looks fucking ridiculous. And I think I might go visit my grandparents in October and I will take a lovely GoPro video and make a fool of myself. But, yeah, it's a lot of fun. Paddleboarding is fun, too. Everyone should do it. Anyway, Alex Jones. I like Alex's Sports Corner.

MerlinSo as far as I like Sports Corner, too, as far as just a little bit of prologue here, I guess I have been aware of Alex Jones. You guys have not made me, but helped cause me to be, I'll admit it, obsessed with Alex Jones. I'm obsessed with Alex Jones.

Concurrently, but on a separate track, I'm very interested in Roger Stone. I watched that very good Netflix documentary about him.

MaxOh, my God. That was so good. It was really. And the thing is, I said to my wife. I was fucking morose after I watched that documentary. I was trying to pack for this trip, and I was watching this documentary. And I wound up sitting on the floor in my closet and watching the last hour of it on an iPad. And afterwards, I got up, and I was like, I need to go outside and take a walk. Like, I can't continue living my life.

MerlinBut I did, having watched that, I said to my wife, you really might want to check this out. This is pretty good. And it's probably not what you expect. I mean, parts of it are absolutely what you expect. This being the same week we watched all the President's Men. But I said, you know, it's kind of surprising. I certainly, I don't like him. I don't admire him. But he is definitely very, very interesting. Like Alex Jones, he's very, very interesting. And you kind of can't help but wonder about the layers, the layers of Roger Stone. But all I'm trying to say is –

MaxThe whole thing where he had to leave the Bob Dole campaign because he got busted trolling for huge black men with big dicks to have a threesome with him and his wife.

Speaker AYeah. And posting photos of them nude. That becomes interesting. What?

MerlinThat becomes interesting in a minute. You know who's obsessed with gay guys is straight guys who are definitely not gay.

Speaker AYep. Yep.

MerlinIs it just me or is it like, boy, they are so interested in what goes into where, when. Oh, man, are they interested.

MaxWell, and also like the thing with Roger Stone is he plainly hates himself. Like he's such a fucking, I mean, where's the like AMC, you know, like Mad Men story about this guy? Like this is like, what a crazy anti-hero. Like he totally gets off on being loathed by the public. Like he has this whole like humiliation fetish. Like he's constantly self-sabotaging and like fucking over his like friends. Like it's crazy. It's crazy.

He hates himself. There's something in him. There's something in himself that he hates. He's either a masochist or Welsh.

MerlinThat's really the only explanation.

AlexAll right. I'm going to hold up. Hold up, guys. I am going to take a guess if some of our listeners, the only political information they get is from Max's Twitter feed. and Merlin's Twitter feed. So can you guys each... Wait a minute.

MaxThat can't be.

AlexAt Dubai Friday, if the main source of news is Max Temkin's Twitter feed.

MaxNo, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. I've been spreading the gospel for months. I retweet weird Twitter jokes. You can't read my Twitter for news.

AlexWhich is why I would like one of you to do a tweet-length explanation of who Roger Stone is.

MerlinMax. Roger Stone is a longtime GOP operative and self-admitted dirty trickster who has a tattoo, a photorealistic tattoo. I don't know if this will fit in the tweet. Photorealistic tattoo of Richard Nixon between his shoulder blades.

AlexPerfect. Like angel wings. Perfect. Thank you.

MaxHere's what you need to know about Roger Stone. As a young 20-year-old, he was involved in Watergate and doing dirty tricks for Nixon on committee to reelect the president. That's all you need to know. And then extend that man to a 60-year-old man who had a very successful lobbying firm with Paul Manafort, who I think – what's happening? Hang on. I hear – oh, that's my alarm. Is that Obama's alarm? It's Obama's alarm. It's time for me to wake up. So he had a very successful lobbying firm with Paul Manafort, who we've talked about on this podcast.

That's the sleazebag sleazebag who lobbied for, like, all of these tin pot third world dictators and tried to make them reputable in Washington. And then they both worked for Trump to get Trump elected. Anyway, this documentary is fucking fascinating. I don't know how much of it is like Roger Stone. Well, in the documentary comments on this, like a lot of the stories in this are probably Roger Stone, like self-promoting. Like he's kind of has this like Forrest Gump narrative of his own life where like he's there.

MerlinHe's a he's a fabulist and you can tell that he's a bit of a showman. So, yeah, it's kind of difficult to know exactly what it is. But like he really wants there's certain things about him that he wants you to know. He's a snappy dresser. He loves Nixon. And and you should remember him. He's on brand as the Dirty Tricks guy.

MaxThe thing I didn't know from watching that movie, which the movie specifically says that there's no way to know if this is true or not. But Roger Stone claims that he instigated the so-called Brooks Brothers riot in Florida in 2000. so what happened was they were the recount that what happened was there was the building in miami dade county where they were doing the recount for gore v bush and all of a sudden there was some bullshit story of some democratic operative was like trying to steal the ballots i don't know some like rumor went around to all these protesters outside it was so chilling and and all of a sudden

these like protesters who were mostly wearing like blazers and polo shirts and stuff you know there were Republican pro-Bush protesters who had been, what the Republicans understood that the Democrats didn't was that the cameras were, that although the story was about Gore v. Bush, what the cameras were going to show was the building where the votes were being counted in Miami-Dade County. So even though no real decision was being made there, it was a decision being made in the courts and on the campaigns, they were just like, the Republicans were like, we got to put on a show outside this courthouse.

So they rallied like hundreds of these like Republican operatives and people, and they were all showed up wearing their like blazers and their Brooks Brothers uniforms.

MerlinIt was like just screaming and chanting and fist pumping. I mean, it was very, very weird.

MaxYeah, and then when this rumor went out that some ballots were being stolen or something, they all stormed this, I guess, courthouse or whatever. And it was terrifying. There's footage of it in the documentary. It was a terrifying moment. So I've been aware of Alex Jones.

MerlinI have been aware of Roger Stone. What I have not been aware of until the last few days on Max's political Twitter list is that they've taken to periscoping together.

MaxI'm sorry. Roger, I highly recommend one other piece of the puzzle here. actually I would recommend before the Roger Stone documentary or before anything else like the one thing that everybody should read or educate themselves on if you want to understand this nexus of alt-right stuff and how it intersects with Trump world and what their what their deal is read the John Ronson book The Elephant in the Room and it's not a book it's like an essay it's like a it's sold really good it's sold on the Amazon like Kindle store but it's not book length it's like essay length and it's an incredible expose of how the journalist John Ronson for who

You've probably heard him on This American Life. He kind of created Alex Jones. He discovered Alex Jones and helped create him. And should I tell that story? That's kind of a funny story too.

AlexAlso, even if you hate John Ronson, Ron Johnson, it's short enough that you can tolerate the writing to get the story.

MerlinYeah, but what about Jonah Lehrer? Look at how they treated Jonah Lehrer. It was awful. You ever heard John Ronson talk about that? is how his friend, he wrote an entire book based on how social media savaged his very good friend, an excellent turns-out scholar, Joe.

No, it turns out that was bad. Oh, what? So I've seen this budding bromance between Roger Stone and Alex Jones, where they, I only know this as screenshots of them doing a periscope and ranting about stuff that's happening right now. But this is something I found last night on the political Twitter list. This has reported on, Alex, help me out. You know gay things. Towlerode? Towlerode?

AlexHow do you pronounce this? Towler, I originally saw it on like Media Matters.

MerlinI thought it was Towel Road.

AlexThat does not sound like a website that people should go to. Oh yeah. Oh no, okay. Towel Road. It's a something, something, gay iconology is uh yeah you're right you're right this is a gay thing all right right wing

Merlinnut job alex jones and his fellow trump buddy conspiracy theorist roger stone had an interesting conversation on info wars uh says here yes you say media matters has the transcript quoting roger stone i want to raise this question though why is it that general mattis general mcmaster john brennan formerly the cia michael hayden formerly cia james clapper why these guys guys all have shaved heads, Alex Jones, because that's part of being a leather daddy. Is it some secret, Stone continues, is it some secret club or something that they're in? I mean, it defies the odds of coincidence that every one of these guys have the same kind of look. There it is, extraordinary.

By the way, McMaster's a smirk at the end of this, kind of gives the whole thing away. Yeah, he looks like he could suck a golf ball through a garden hose. So, leather daddy, says Alex Jones.

Speaker ABecause it's part of being leather.

Merlinhe is very very concerned about masculinity and energy isn't it weird now i'm gonna be that guy i'm gonna leather daddy these guys isn't it weird how obsessed all these guys are with masculinity and and not just power but energy like trump was always going on about how low energy everybody was oh you know chuck todd with his sleepy eyes it's it's so bizarre that this old frail old man who eats cake every night is so concerned and then and can't go down steps without some help from uh you know, the, the, the, the prime minister of Germany, he's so concerned about energy

Alexand masculinity. It's, it's, it's kind of uncanny. I, I, I think it's also, it's a matter of like, it, it seems like dudes are kind of into like their poop and it's like, whoa. So if something else goes up there, what happens? And I just think a lot of people are curious. Yes.

But no, I too have become sort of fascinated with Infowars. And I knew it in the back of my head that it was streaming basically 24 hours. But I had enough.

MerlinYou cannot even guess. Obviously, you know it's going to be a bonkers presentation. The wonderful part is it's almost impossible to guess what batshit kind of thing he will talk about. What out of the headlines in the last few days he will come up with as a conspiracy theory. Because I got to tell you, he's got me on the run. I am constantly amazed with what he has found a conspiracy about.

AlexYou just tune in at any time, and it's always something. Like, I mean, it's fairly repetitive. But, like, there's never a moment where it's like, oh, yeah, so this bill was signed. No, he's always about to rip off his shirt or always like, oh, I know they were trying to, they were going to, Vice did the hit piece. As you know, as you know, as you know. I like yours back. It's driving me crazy.

Speaker AOh, God.

MaxIsn't there something about all the sort of, like, Nazi authoritarianism with, like, the leather uniforms and the riding crops and the, like, high boots and stuff? Like, it's very gay. Oh, no, there's a whole book about it.

MerlinWait, really? Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. I hear a lot of people believe there's a book about this that you can get out there.

AlexGay Nazi leather daddies.

MerlinOkay. Leather SS.

MaxI read William Shire's Rise and Fall of the Third Reich, and it's sort of an out-of-time book because he talks a lot about the perversion and sadism. And I think he's just talking about that there were, like, gay officers in the SS and stuff. So it's hard to draw the line of, like, what exactly he's talking about. But it seems to be implied that there was a whole BDSM authoritarian obedience culture, some sort of weird psychosexual thing with the Nazis.

AlexWell, and it was also like, if you were afraid of being pink triangles, you immediately were like, that's, I mean, there's a theory of how there were a ton of gay Nazi youth because they were getting boners around dudes, and they were like, all right, it's only a matter of time. So they, you know, they join up. And it's very sad and really upset.

MaxPlus, young gay men are overachievers. What? They want a system they can get recognized in. They're very ambitious. Yeah, they're hard workers.

MerlinI cannot remember the name of this book. It was banging around toward the later years of my college. Ben, my girlfriend at the time, had read it all the way through. And she's like, well, duh, once you read this, you see it, it's so obvious. But also, I mean, you think about the whole Weimar, like pansexual culture. I've got a wonderful book about basically Weimar sexuality that's super interesting. I mean, there was a lot of crazy shit going on in the like cabaret era in Germany. And like, do you imagine that not a single one of those guys was involved in a little bit of strange? I mean, come on.

MaxI mean, it's like it's like the same thing of how we were talking about, like men who get a little too obsessed about other men's sexuality. like it's not not that they're like interested in it or whatever but it's like their there's like some of these like conservative columnists it's like their main focus is how other men have sex and like i think if that's your your main issue like there's that's weird right there's like something a little bit weird like there's something there's something in there's something in yourself that you're mad about or you're insecure about that you have that that's your

motivating like this is the this is the issue that energizes my crusade it's like well that's

Merlinreally more says a lot about you. I felt the same way about the gay marriage dust up where it always seems so strange to me. I mean, I understand like from a fundamentals standpoint, why you would say, I mean, you know, if you just hate gay people, just say you hate gay people. Like that's okay. Like if you want to be awful and you want to be a terrible human being, why don't you just be honest about it? Why don't you say you want to take healthcare away from people? Why don't you say you just hate gay people, but don't speak in code. And I always found it very unpersuasive when people would talk about how their own marriage that they treasure, obviously, more than anything

in the world, is damaged. Mother. Mother, the institution, as well as your whole thing you've got going on with your particular spouse, that that is undermined. How am I supposed to explain this to my child? I don't know. It's your shitty. I don't know. It's your shitty child.

I think every time I'm about to say something about wanting to explain it to my daughter, That line from Louis C.K. goes through my head. I don't know, man. It's your shitty kid.

AlexMom, I saw two women with scooters and a cat on the leash.

Speaker AOne of them was climbing a fence.

MerlinLesbians love fences. If we don't keep lesbians off of the fences, what am I going to tell my children? What will I tell my children?

MaxDiggit, diggit, diggit, diggit, challenge. Merlin, you should have received a box.

MerlinIt's right here in front of me. It is addressed to Dubai Friday, Powder Nation, Merlin Mann at Address Redacted.

Speaker AOh, Merlin, you shouldn't read your address on the podcast. You know, there's a way to read. You could have a Pearl script to reverse engineer what your address is. I'm just concerned about your privacy.

MerlinCan you read the from address? The return address is Free Speech Systems, LLC, based in Austin. I want to protect their privacy in Austin, Texas. I received a box at my door from Free Speech Systems, LLC, Austin, Texas. And I thought, I wonder if this is Dan Benjamin. Probably not.

Can you please proceed to open the box? Okay. I have brought my special. Remember this, you guys? Remember this from the early channel? Ready? My special bespoke cop knife for opening packages. I brought it in especially for this. I am opening a box. That is 6x4x4.

It's apparently going to contain some free speech. I can't lie. I know it's it.

MaxOh, shit, dog. There's some little crabs coming out now. Oh, my God. Oh, Obama's crabs. They're little crabs. They're like walking sideways towards the waves. Oh, my God. This is like from a Pixar cartoon.

MerlinOkay. Alex, have you opened yours?

AlexYou know, so I've opened it, but I didn't know we were doing this, so I'm going to run and get it. I'll be right back, guys.

MerlinThis is going to be fun to edit. She's gone. La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la.

MaxLook at these crabs. I've got to take a picture of these crabs.

MerlinYeah, yeah. Photograph the crabs.

MaxThey're going crazy. Oh, God, they have my name now.

MerlinOh, shit, dog.

MaxI did put your email address in, too.

MerlinOh, thank you. I remember when Trump put up that—we probably talked about this—but the Republican candidate put up that, you know, what do they call it? Not a push-pull, but a click-pull. Go in and, like, give us your opinions on how unfairly the media is treating Donald Trump. Do you remember that? Mm-hmm. And it was, like, 60 questions, and I did it. I said that, and I went, I think he's treated very fairly by NBC. I think he's treated very fairly by MSNBC. I got to the bottom and like, okay, enter your email address.

You can't click go until – and I was like – and it was – I was covered with sunk costs because I just fucking sat there going like, I just filled out that entire fucking form. This is more form than I have filled out since 1999 probably. That is not an accident, my friend. They don't want you to abandon the form. I know this. we used to we used to design we used to always design our forms we were dicks we would design forms where basically you put information about your name right identity and then what you're

interested in your aspirations that goes on the first page right then you click to continue and that's you start getting into the business dark dark patterns dark patterns dark web dark deep state book bag hello hello um hey so alex uh alex alex not jones i have open i have opened my box

Alexhave you opened your box uh i i did the other night i came into the office and i didn't want to talk to anybody so i came in rather late and i was snooping through everyone's mail as i do that's not funny that I don't actually do that.

MerlinWhy did I say that? I don't do that. What?

AlexNo, but I see, you know, I'm putting boxes on Max's desk, but I see Dubai Friday, Powder Nation, and immediately I know that it's got to be something from our friend not Alex Cox, and do you want to describe what we received,

MerlinMerlin? Well, not included in last week's episode was like, because it was Basically, there was a flash. We realized this had to happen. And then we all, like, as one said, don't say another word. This just needs to happen. And it fucking happened. I am so excited. Before me sits a 315-gram, 11-ounce, canister of InfoWars Caveman True Paleo Formula made with cartilage and bone broth and paleo and grease.

Speaker ANext generation of advanced paleo nutrition.

Merlinand what's funny is you're so used to seeing those uh fucking raping mooks that buy those giant buckets of this shit you know you see you see like those guys who have their powders and it's usually you know what i'm talking about it's it looks like it looks like like gallons in a bucket so when i looked at this on the website i thought wow 60 dollars but you know it's probably going to be a big tub no no it weighs about half of a bag of pete's coffee and it was 60 this is

AlexIt's like a large Gatorade. I expected a gigantic, it's called Caveman.

MaxThat's because it's so powerful. No, no, it's concentrated. It's so powerful. It's going to up your masculinity. It's going to turn you into such a caveman. You have one quarter teaspoon of this, you turn into Alex Jones. What are you going to do with a huge, it's so powerful.

MerlinI think my daughter pointed out to me last night, she was so excited to open this because I told her what it was. And she's not as obsessed with Alex Jones as I am, but she's pretty into it. Wait a minute.

MaxHow did you explain this to your daughter?

MerlinWhat do you mean explain this? We watch his videos all the time. What are you talking about? She knows Alex Jones.

MaxOh, my God.

MerlinI don't know. It's your shitty kid. So we've talked a lot about Alex Jones. She gets a little upset sometimes because he's so emotional. And then we turn it off. But anyway, so she goes to the site. And I told you guys in the text channel, the first Google search that she did from her own big girl account on the Mac, The first Google search she did was Alex Jones Caveman. I sent you a video of her reading the site. But the beauty part is she goes and she said, and she covers up the screen. And I said, don't touch the screen. But she covers up part of the screen.

Speaker AAnd she says, how much is one of these?

MerlinAnd I go, $59. And she goes, okay, how much are 10 of these? And I actually guessed right.

Speaker AI said, is there any chance that it's $599?

MerlinThere's no discount. If you buy 10 of these, there is zero discount. It's hilarious. And this is supposed to last you how long? There's a button there where you can have it automatically delivered every 14 days. So is this 14 days of caveman? Oh, 15 servings.

MaxOh, it's like Blue Apron for powders. Oh, it's a better way to powder.

AlexSo every two weeks, you just get your Gatorade's worth of caveman.

MerlinBut I just want to clarify. Like, if you bought, like, what's that coffee company with the metal cans? Illy, like I-L-L-Y. it's almost exactly the same form factor as like a canister of semi-fancy coffee i'm i also had

Maxassumed i had also assumed in the in the web from looking i haven't seen it in real life i've only ever seen it on the website and i had assumed looking at it that it was like a huge drum of powder exactly like those big protein things and i'm i'm just like this is just making me reflect even more because the other thing is like it costs they're charging you a lot for shipping but their shipping costs are very low so they're probably making a little bit of money on the shipping too like this is a fucking great racket you guys we've oh we have got to get merlinmanpowders.com

Merlinoff the ground like we're it's a wasted it's it's not even it's not even it's not even funny it's not a joke the thing is though here's the thing we are not ready to fully express our powder nature until we have actually finished this challenge i don't even know what the exact challenge is yet but i hope i'm gonna eat some fucking powder and and once we do the thing is let's not even plan it yet because we may not even have the right you know what i'm gonna say it we don't have the right state of mind yet we haven't had the caveman after the caveman i think it's going to be very clear to us what to do with the powders that might involve buying something off of tim ferris's store and

putting our own label on it that's called an oem we could do that what they call white labeling we're gonna make a fuck ton of money with powders we can't wait to see what you do with it let's remember to like and subscribe all right i'm taking my police tool and no alex i have not

Alexopened it have you opened yours oh wow it it just looks like ovaltine okay i'm cutting i'm sawing i'm cutting my caveman it smells like chocolate it is this is ovaltine or sweet miss like so so

Maxwhat are the purported what does this do for you i can't remember which which one we bought what are the effects because i need to prepare myself because this is going to be a dramatic transformation so what i want to know is how do i prepare myself for the i need to prepare myself for this the physical and psychological effects that this is going to have on me when I start using.

MerlinWell, let's just just in the interest of research, let's go and look at the actual website and what it says in for store and bring on the caveman. Oh, they have Trump shirts, a Bill Clinton rape whistle.

Let's see here. I think that's Barack Obama's weed whacker guy. OK. All right, so caveman.

So we read the ingredients. Okay, so this is the part that had us cracking up. A return to ancient traditions and practices. In ancient times, man roamed the earth in a constant state of hunting and being hunted. There was no room for weakness. Every time an animal was caught, all of its parts were put to good use, from skin and guts to fur and bone. From the way we interact with one another to the way we eat, our modern society has completely discarded many of the ancient traditions and practices that our ancestors held dearly.

One such ancient practice that is quickly becoming one of the biggest new trends in today's health world is the creation and consumption of what is known as bone broth. The simmering down mineral-rich bones and collagen-rich joints into a liquid powerhouse of nutrition.

MaxA liquid powerhouse of nutrition?

MerlinBecause this is all part of the ancient tradition of... Wait a minute. That's a fucking cards against humanity card right there. Well, you know, in ancient traditions and practices, they used to get a canister of $60 powder. That's how they would express their masculine enthusiasm.

MaxSince the days of ancient Rome, the wealthy elites have put centerpieces on their table to demonstrate their wealth and power.

AlexWe licked our fur and ground the bones into oval teeth.

MaxAll right. So here I am today. right now total total cuck i'm total cuck i'm soaking my feet into uh obama's swimming pool and uh i'm gonna start i'm gonna start taking this powder i'm gonna become a huge alpha male

Merlinand then what's gonna happen uh also just for what it's worth i opened up it's now all over my desk it's like it's like an al pacino movie in here um yeah but also the canister it is a jar of ovaltine it's very very fine and and just for what it's worth as with so many products today it's about maybe four fifths full uh yeah yep yep yep all right so what do you do how do you take

Maxthis oh no it's all over my pants what does it do what is it i want to know what does it

Merlinancient traditions max ancient traditions uh it's it's it's here's the thing caveman it's more than just high quality bone broth but the high quality chicken bone broth what It's chicken bones? That seems very cock, literally.

It's even what a chicken says. A chicken says cock. It's only one key aspect. It's only one key. Who writes this stuff? It's only one key aspect of the overall blend of ingredients. That's a hell of a sentence. Instead of only bringing you this premium form of chicken bone broth, we were committed to creating a multi-ingredient formula that would even surpass the expectations of our own formulation scientists. So it's got science. It's got bones and chickens and science.

AlexWhat about additional info? Oh, so I feel like what we're missing is we did not get the entire package, right? Because there's still no... Did we get cucked, Alex? We cucked ourselves.

MaxDid we cuck ourselves?

AlexYeah.

MaxWe didn't get the whole package? What?

AlexLike, it says, you know, we're supposed to really buy into this lifestyle, and so we're only getting the caveman aspect of this lifestyle. We don't have any of the drops or the lotions.

MaxWhat else is there? What does this powder do? There's nothing. I'm going to pee the pool here, so I can't look it up. No, it must.

MerlinIt's ancient traditions.

MaxIt enhances what?

MerlinIt's traditions. It's got turmeric root, chaga mushroom, bee pollen, and other ancient super nutrients.

MaxBut what does it do? Why would I take it, though?

MerlinTradition. Ancient practices.

AlexWe've lost it.

MaxWe have lost the ancient tradition of eating pork. So they don't make any claim as to this is going to up your tea or make you shoot hoops better.

MerlinIt's got goji berries. But the problem is that from the ways that we interact with one another to the way that we eat, our modern society is completely discarded. many of the ancient traditions, are you listening? And practices that our ancestors held dearly. So that's why you need $60 powder. Oh, it's got stevia, you guys. It's got stevia leaf extract. You love stevia.

AlexOh, really? Oh, now I'm excited.

MerlinSo, okay, let's read how to take this.

AlexOkay, so suggested use. As a dietary supplement, mix one scoop in an 8 to 10 ounce, scoop in 8 to 10 ounces of water daily with or without food or as recommended by your physician or healthcare provider, which as we've established, podcasts are basically adequate healthcare providers.

MaxSo basically that says that what they're saying is this doesn't do anything, so it doesn't matter how you take it. They're like, talk to your doctor, don't have it with food, without whatever.

MerlinThe FDA will not, as I understand it, the FDA will not let you claim any benefit or causation. You have to be super careful about the side effects usually, but you don't have to say fuck all about what it actually does. You can name it however you want. And then you can say, you can even say a little bit of bullshit. Like I've bought some little bit of bullshit products and it'll just say with an asterisk, these claims have not been verified by the FDA. I mean, I think it's very boilerplate.

MaxBut that's, but you understand that's part of the conspiracy. That's where the Jews and the, and the goblins get together to undermine Alex Jones and his every move.

MerlinThese statements have not been established, or excuse me, I'm sorry, I don't have my glasses on. These statements have not been evaluated by the Food and Drug Administration. this product is not intended to diagnose, treat, cure, or prevent any disease.

AlexI put it in the water.

MaxWe have got to get into this racket. I know. Oh, you're going to do it right now?

AlexWhy not? Why not? Why not?

MaxWell, it's not. Well, all right. So maybe. All right. All my chilled water is fizzing.

Speaker AIt's so chunky. It's so chunky. I guess I'll do it. Wait, is this?

MaxI feel so left out. Yeah.

AlexI don't actually know how much. How much is 10 ounces? Is that a cup? So I've got a cup and a half here.

MaxYou know, actually, this isn't a bad idea. Alex, maybe I should be having you taste more of my food and try my medicines before me. I'm kind of, I'm just thinking through this and I'm like, you know, who knows? It took years before I realized she was my slave.

Speaker ASlave, taste my powder.

AlexAll right, I'm going to send you what this looks like. This is the suggested amount of water. It looks like the result of some kombucha that I would expect.

MerlinAlex Jones on his site has an even more masculine alternative to man wipes, dude wipes. It's called Combat One Tactical Bath. Unleash the power of one with this broad spectrum hygiene tactical bath.

It's got Pentagon technology, you guys. It's got broad spectrum hygiene management, optimizing natural skin function.

AlexIt lets skin be skin.

MerlinOh, my God.

AlexI've really got to whip this Ovaltine to get it to not. Oh, wow. It really looks like diarrhea on a spoon. Oh.

MerlinI just realized something. First of all, I have a frat boy, like, solo red cup with, here's the problem. I've got the correct amount of water, but it's totally tap water. It is not unfiltered. it might have fluoride, so I'm not sure this is even going to work. It might cause a chemical reaction to even put it in there. Because water has never had this kind of truth.

Speaker AOkay. I'm scooping.

MerlinI'm scooping. Oh, God. This is very... Oh, it's all over me again. I feel like Elton John. Okay. Here we go. This Focac de Arab over here. Okay. I'm stirring. I'm stirring. Oh, God.

AlexYou really have to get in there. Here.

MerlinThis is... I'm going to need a hand mixer. Does he offer a combat tactical hand mixer?

Speaker AI gotta... There's some bizarre troops

Maxthat blend their powders in the field.

Speaker AOh, God. Oh, God.

MaxOur nation's most tactical operators.

Speaker AOh, it's really, really... Oh, God.

AlexI'm gonna wait for you to try it. Okay.

MerlinOh, God, it's just... Oh, it's just covered in sludge.

AlexYou really gotta get in there.

MerlinYeah, I don't think I got in there enough.

Alexoh Jesus Christ oh this looks good does it smell like chocolate milk or Ovaltine to you like it

Merlindoesn't it smells like somebody explained chocolate milk to somebody and like via fax then they kind of tried to reverse engineer it from whatever oh god yours is as bad as mine

Speaker Ait's not just me oh no no no oh dear okay all right here I go oh I'm really getting in there

MerlinOh, it's got huge bumps.

AlexAll right, I'm going to try some.

MerlinIt's like if a beverage could have cold sores. This is very unpleasant.

MaxOh, my God. It looks like a theme park where someone will vomit into a 64-ounce soda cup and then just leave it on the side of the ride.

AlexI'm going to say that did not taste gross.

MaxOkay, here we go.

MerlinOh, God. Oh, no. Oh, that's not good. Oh, it's very unpleasant.

Speaker AOh, shit, stevia.

AlexYou can, I mean, it really delivers on the promise. You can still taste the powder after you.

MerlinIt's like licking a shoe made of urinals. It's really, really unpleasant.

MaxOh, God. Do you, let me ask you this. Is the fact that it doesn't, is the fact that it doesn't taste good, is that a feature or is that a bug or a feature? You know, does that sort of sell you?

Speaker AThat's a good point. Maybe.

MerlinOh, fuck. If you can't, if you can't drink it, you don't deserve it.

Speaker ARight.

MaxBut it's like medicine, like something that's good for you and up the tea and makes you a big, strong. It should taste good. It should be bitter.

AlexOh God. Well, the other day I was asking somebody, Hey, you know how you put like, vitamin C into a, into water, like the powder. I'm like, can't I just eat the powder? Yeah. So, and they're like, yeah, that should be fine. All right. I'm going to try just some of the powder. I've deposited some into my hand. Huh? Huh? Here comes the stevia. Hmm. Yep. Yep. Honestly, uh,

it's really quite unpleasant uh it tastes about the powder tastes exactly as you would expect it to i think the water kind of dilutes it so really i feel like people should just be snorting it or

Maxsomething this is the fact that it tastes bad is it's only all everything that we're learning about this powder is further convincing me that we really need to get we really need to go all in on the powder-based model of revenue model for our podcast and really accelerate our release schedule here. Because the thing is, it doesn't even have to taste good. No, it doesn't have to be good. It doesn't have to work.

AlexIt just needs to be powder. All right, I retract my earlier statement. It does not taste better as strictly a powder because then it dissolves in your mouth. But the certain, like, maybe it's the bone. It stays, it just, oh, it's sand. I have sand in my mouth.

My whole time.

MerlinIt's numb.

AlexMerlin, you've got to try the powder.

MerlinOkay.

AlexYou need to lick your finger into a microphone. That's what the listeners want. That's what I'm doing. Oh, God, it tastes hot.

MerlinIt tastes like it's been warmed. Oh, no. Oh, no. It's like a child's drawing of chocolate.

MaxStarting on Monday, which is when I get back, we all need to take the recommended dosage of this every day and report back how alpha we are.

MerlinYou know what? You know what? That's a good idea. Because remember I gave you initially, I hate to admit this, but I don't want to admit it, I gave you pushback on kombucha. You mentioned it. I thought it was silly. I tried it once. I thought it was weird. And then pretty soon I was splattered all over myself like a champ. So this is probably something where I just need to dig in. I also wonder if it might be good in milk.

Cold milk. I'm not sure. Is that the traditional way, though? It says water. So I could probably be doing myself dirt here. So what have we got? 21 grams in here. 80 calories in a serving.

Oh, it's got a gram of fiber. Nothing wrong with that. Wow, it does have 12 grams of protein per scoop. That's pretty good. That's a lot of protein.

AlexI didn't consume an entire scoop.

MerlinNo, you didn't.

AlexYeah, I just put the, I did the scoop, and then I put it in my mouth. It's like a quarter of a cup.

MaxWell, assuming Alex doesn't get diarrhea or die, this is the challenge. We got to take it all next week leading up to the podcast.

AlexIf you are listening to this episode, I'm fine.

MerlinIt's like a canary notice.

26. People Have Died Here

Show notes

Transcript

26. People Have Died Here

Show notes

Transcript

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