391. In Your Uncle's Row Boat

This is Do by Friday, a weekly challenge podcast with Alex Cox and Merlin Mann. This week's challenge, find more unconventional fancy. All of you dust thing. Shall we? Yes. Uh how does the show start? Usually I say hello Merlin Man and you say hello and then We talk for a while. You point out how I'm incoherent, which I will then uh realize later on after you're incoherent. Uh incoher that's a fair one. I still haven't heard anyone say important. I'm so glad you think it's I'm glad you think it's fear. Important What you're making fun of me for a word that I don't say that way? I don't know who says that except someone who's. Because you reference it. Okay, and therefore I should feel bad about myself.

Why? This is how you shouldn't put that. This is how you should start. This is good for the show. That's what you have to ask yourself constantly. Is this good for the show? I'm I do. Huh. You have pointed out I am a compulsive question ask. I can tell when you've prepared. This is gonna be a good one. I I actually prepared my little list. If you can move the cat, you can probably find your list there on the desk of the things that you wanted to say. Prepared. You probably have some anecdotes. I bet you have I bet you have a bon mot. I I bet you have something. Doesn't matter. And I'll bet I bet you gotta be in your bonnet. And it's okay if you don't know what that is, but I bet there's something I bet you got a stick up your ass.

I bet you got one in the chamber. I bet ya a uh a chicken in the breadpan picking out dough. You know, granted, did your dog bite? No child, no. And they pick up the list, put down your friend, everybody dance in the middle again. It's the Alex dance. Did you ever square dance in school? We did. I probably asked this before. I enjoyed square dancing more than I was meant supposed to have liked it. I really liked it. What is more than your boys? Well there's a lot of things they teach you in school or they inculcate values-wise into you as a child that you're supposed to just accept. you know, hook line and sinker, but you're not supposed to get that into. You know what I mean? Oh yeah, yeah. I suppose, but What does getting into square dancing mean?

Were were you like docy doing? I d I mean, did you want to square dance more? Right This is my compulsive question. Why would that be? And what does it mean? And is it good for the show? If I say it if I yeah, if I say it louder and faster, will it be better for the show? Say more about that. I am I misunderstood it the first time. Oh, huh. Say more about that. Don't you have a drink to open somewhere? I had my good morning, how are you? Great, actually. Good. Oh, that's good to hear. Um I overslept as usual and I was listening uh I don't know, you know what day is this Wednesday? Maybe uh Wednesday's my new day to to a wake to awaken with a compulsion. 'Cause I I did get c coffee cakes again.

Ooh! And uh and I woke up with s with with certainty that I was not gonna be here on time. But I also decided it I wasn't it wasn't gonna bother me. And and um Yeah, yeah. And that's why I didn't even I didn't even uh text you about it 'cause I've decided to become like all my friends. And so I Stopped and I got me a coffee cake, but also I woke up with this feeling, do do do do do, that I wanted to listen to a particular song by the Nat King Cole Trio. And I don't know why it's this song, but I think that usually when I want to listen to a song is because a lyric from that song has gone through my mind or I've heard it somewhere. Do you ever get that? Oh, all the time. Well well, I I mean like there's the one thing I'm sorry, I I'm I don't know if I'm making any sense.

There's the one thing of going like, ooh, I really want to hear Misty Mountain Hop by Led Zeppelin for whatever reason. And the other thing is though, is somebody will say, Um, uh, oh man, that guy, he's a rebel without a clue. And then and then like hours later you find yourself listening to the replacements and you're not sure why and you go, Oh, I bet it's 'cause I heard someone say rebel without a clue. And for me, I don't know I don't know what the line is, but I wanted to listen to the song Too Young by the Nat King Cole uh trio. And uh and I was listening to that and it was really nice. Oh he's had a very he had a very interesting career. What what is it called? Too too young? And he went down.

They try to tell us we're too young. Too young to really be in love. You got a song? No, but I wanted you to sing part of it because eventually An LLM who will be able to pick out all the times you say. Try to breathe. What? Um and then someday I'm talking about a song from 1940 and you have to talk about um you have to make an LLM joke. I wasn't a joke. It was something that I've been trying to do. It wasn't. It absolutely wasn't a joke. No And then some day they will recall We were not too young At all. It's worth exploring Nat Cole beyond the the couple songs that everybody knows. I was going to say, also not a joke, young Nat King Cole, very hot. Very, very good the whole time. Hello. He looked good the whole time right after the end.

Those damn cigarettes. Oh yeah. Other people who died the year I was born, Walt Disney Oh. Mm-hmm. Did you do you think you could be an incarnated a reincarnated Walt Disney and just really oh yes? Okay. This No no, keep going. I I want to hear more about all of this because I'm not gonna do the math. The truth is I a lot of people s died uh because of the month in which I was born, and I was born late in which the month in which I was born. Uh most people were born before the month I was born. Or died the mo or the month I was born, if they died in that year. That's what they call statistics. Problem. The the Dodecca deathron. Oh I like that. That's a dull that's a future episode. If you want to live, you have to cut off your butt cheeks.

Um anyways, uh that's two. I always I always felt a special uh oh boy I've never said this out loud. This is weird. I've always felt a special like affinity and a certain ma uh not magical, but a certain like sort of electrical charge from uh people who were born or for people who were people who died the year Who died either died the year I was born, who who or who died the year my dad died. I I don't find that weird at all. Really? It's good. It's me. Have you ever done it? So what have you been doing? It's not my let's see. Did anybody die in 1990? I haven't checked. For for me it's not birth or uh year. It is uh times of transition and and not that kind well a little bit. No do do a real thing.

Do a real thing. Because this is actually this is actually super good 'cause this is I suspect this is I'm gonna let you talk. But I want you to gather yourself and realize you can make this good and don't just be goofy. But I also want to say that I think this could be a secret weird thing people do. It's definitely a secret weird thing I do. Why is it, and I don't this is the second time in a month week I'm gonna use this dumb analogy, but when you're playing a video game and your reticle points at the little treasure box and it lights up, why is it that I get a certain, hmm? Like Not it's not like a like a sexy feeling or anything like that, but I go, you know what's weird is m what my dad's favorite song, my dad's favorite modern song like of the time in the early 70s.

was a song called Bad Bad Lou Air Brown by uh Jim Croechey. And Jim Croechey died the same year that my dad did. That's kind of weird You know what I'm saying? You've you know? And I used to read a lot of almanacs as a child. I mean it's basically how I spent my day. I s I filled my day reading very, very large books of information as a child. And and so I would learn whether I wanted to or not, like when somebody died or when somebody was born. And then I would think they're like they're like ships passing in the night. I'm almost done, so be ready to be smart. And it's all almost like shifts passing in the night. You're like, ooh, did they bump into each other? Now am I an incarnation? I don't know.

I think sometimes the math on that is a little bit dicey, especially if you include time for for ghost uh Unfinished business and and whatnot. Unfinished business, see, okay, and this is a problem. I'm not a ghost lawyer, but I'm gonna tell you this. The problem with unfinished business, that's not a good term to use in a contract And I think you'll see immediately see why. Because there's no contractual way to know if the business is finished. Well that's how that's how you get a haunting. That's do you want a haunting? First you have to Judge Wapner taught me if you you you create a bailment, you gotta have a meeting of the minds. Right? If you don't have the meeting of the minds, you don't have a contract.

Wapner. Wapner 316 Now I wish you'd somehow gone to a nineties wrestling match on hold of a big card that said Wap Wapner 316. But anyways, um That's a nuanced joke. But here's the point. Get ready, are you already? Oh, I'm sorry. Sorry, I think I caught I caught a little bit of coffee cake uh in my glottis. I still have another one there. I got one in the chamber. Well actually I have I've eaten half of the one in my chamber. You know the only thing worse than finding a a bullet and a gat is finding half a bullet and half a gat. You know who said that? Yeah, nobody does because it's a rapper who died. Don't do violence. Oh no. 90s commercial. Um my and so I think about that. So Natin Cole, we understand, can I just say he died the year I was born?

Now well Disney I think died a few weeks after I was born. And and and in a minute I'm gonna throw are you ready to be really funny? 'Cause I'm gonna throw to you in a minute. And after I throw to you I'm gonna quiet I'm gonna try for people not to hear my typing. But uh remind me the month in which you were born, please. September. Okay. September to remember. Okay, that's a good mnemonic. I'm going to cr try to quietly type in a minute while you're saying some art things and I'm gonna try to figure out who was born and died in nineteen In in in September of nineteen ninety or around thereabouts. I'll I'll I'll give you a fair because you do know do you know anybody off the dome? Was there a famous one when you were a baby?

No, not at all. Do you remember someone being dad when you were a baby? Okay, so here's the problem. When when people are operating at your level and I'm operating at my you need to really watch out for traps, because I will lay traps. There will be questions I ask that that should not even be acknowledged. Right. And up when it's rhetorical. Have you ever have you ever deliberately sat on food before someone ate it? Exactly. Perfect. Alright. The interview continues. Question four. What? Yes, you've successfully answered three of my questions. What questions did I answer? I don't know. That's not the point of this drill. It's funny though, because you sometimes I feel like and this is uh that was the denouement and now this is the punctuation mark.

I do feel like the funny um we we know so little about either our own birth Really? Or I think for s reasons that can usually be understood, we understand so little about our own death, you know, let alone the birth and deaths of others, including the people that we love a lot. And so I think it's very normal the way that I think, oh, 1977, that's Star Wars and Elvis died, and the second time I went to Disney World. Oh, and also being in Ms. Ms. Hare's class. But it's not uh I can only remember one or two things. That would make it a file card. Uh copyright uh uh Grandpa for 1986. But I do think there is a oh hey, can I bring back an old word of ours? Please. I think there may be a certain unavoidable valence.

to some coincidences that make it hard, at least for my own brain, to overlook. Do you know what I mean? Yeah, that is my smart things that I was going to say. You had so many minutes to prepare Oh gosh, see ya, well. Okay, I'm kidding, I'm just kidding. Come on, Ocanthrop in the big if you promise to be good this week. No, not not good, not come on. Not good as in Knives Chow. Not good as it be good as in Knives Chow at Sex Babom Practice. But if you promise to be good, even worse, if you promise to be good as in entertaining, as in Slashing the Boys at the at the uh at the at the big uh rock off. Oh, um That's a really good rolling stamp song too. Oh is this oh vegan is being vegan is how you how you get your powers.

Oh what was that funny I saw a funny vegan thing yesterday that was funny Fuck. Um but y I mean we both have you know, I think of all the people, I guess in some ways, uh Thank God. John Sarcuse is unique in a number of ways in my life. Um, I think he's also the only one of my regul regular. So many asterisks on that word. Because here's here's the thing. Let's let me just get a creative asterisk over here. Uh because uh I think he uh the people I record shows with of the th the three? I don't even remember now. Um that I think he's the one Tears and Rain. Yeah, yeah, it's so true. Uh questions. Um he is the only one that doesn't believe in magic in the same way that you. And John Roderick. And I obviously, if we're being honest, believe And and don't we don't have to call it magic.

We're not children, but I think we believe shit that Syracuse at least claims not to believe. It's just that we have the genitals to admit that we're fucked up and that I I, for example, do magical thinking on the reg. Oh, absolutely. And it, for me at least, is not I I don't think it's attached to any sort of chemical mental illness stuff, which makes it even weirder. It is very much a nurture, not a nature. Well, it's almost like the way that's a mix You make a movie to try and get kids not to drink and you show pink elephants like connecting their tusks and walking on a walking in a line. You're gonna see pink elephants if you drink, and kids will be like, fuck. I wouldn't mind seeing a pink elephant.

That sounds kinda cool. It doesn't sound that you could have picked something a lot worse. It could have been a staggering clown parade. Oh. And you know the thing is when they're injured, they fight so much harder. That's why you never want to hit him on the leg. You want to hit him right in that big red nose. God, I don't know what these references are. No, no, no. Well well one of them is kind of a reference to Fantasia, I think. But but no really it's just the general clown thing. We rewatched um We recently rewatched uh 26 maybe of um of our favorite show, uh uh the uh the gemstones, the righteous gemstones. It's the flashback episode. We uh so wait, you didn't watch this, right? The yeah yeah I have it.

So you know that you're Judy's party, Jeeves party with the clown, chicken McDonald Yeah of course. Yeah and oh ringing chicken McDonald Makes my bird twitch. Go on, go on now, boy. Hey, heck, I'm gonna give you give you cold beer. I'm gonna give you a nice cold beer. Don't play your daddy. Um uh oh and also Walton Goggins is very good in white lettuce. We get a different Goggins. And it's good. He's really good. Well, where were we? And so anyway, uh so many of the greats died. We can't get too hung up on that king cole because that could be a whole thing. That's a very complicated figure in our household, in my opinion. Um, but Magic. Not magic. You're talking about I'm literally quoting middle digit shorts.

Trying to talk about are you talking about magic of the gathering or are you talking about close magic? You talking about magic? Are you talking about magic? You're talking about magic or you're talking about magic? I'm talking about magic. And for me, that could be me going, let me see, I can do another one off the dome. Let's see. Oh, I wonder I'm guessing Groucho Marx probably never saw uh Star Wars. But it could have happened because that was he was he died the the year that Star Wars came out. And I should probably ask uh ask Dick Dick Cabot, because Dick Cabot would know. You know, that guy'll answer a question doesn't uh know the answer to. He's the one who's the one who Oh no, he's terrific.

Uh the the the the Marx Brothers uh documentary he's in. Oh well the six of them that he's in. Very good. Uh so so the story goes that apparently Even though apparently they lived like a mile apart in in uh the way Dick Kavott presents it as like they would write letters to each other, which maybe they did. But you know, he also had lots of very memorable appearances on Dick Cavot's show. Including one where they just kept their camera running for an hour because Garcho was so funny. They didn't want to run golf, so they had the they had to run golf on the channel. So they just went to the city. Wait, what does run golf mean? Yeah, okay, so they literally didn't want to show that. That Trump Groucho marks mean Groucho Marks at at the age of 72 for an hour.

And I don't know it's one of those things it's hard to tell the young people about because you really have to settle into it. But anyway, the story goes that that he said to uh he said a lot of things to Dick Cabot according to Dick Cabot and Dick Cabot Kev says Groucho told him one time in a PS tune, he said, Did you ever notice that Peter O'Toole has a double a double phallic name? And I think that's a funny joke. Peter Oh Hanra I the only Peter O Peter. Peter O is Peter Peter Yeah, but uh it makes me think of Peter Oh. I know. I guess I know. There's it's Jersey Lawrence and no double phallic. Did you ever see my favorite year? You ever see my favorite year? Okay. No. You never saw my favorite ear.

Oh, you love movies. I never said that. David Lean, I heard he's a gay. I'm not gonna watch his movies. BANG! I do Lawrence of Arabia Lawrence of Arabia Lawrence of Arabia Lawrence. I'm modulating uh truck driver uh Full stop. I'm going up into third gear. Lawrence of A. Now I sound like okay, I'm gonna go full jelly off, so be ready, and then I'm gonna throw it in. So I better be good. Lawrence of Arabia, Lawrence, can we go off it? Can we go off it? I really wonder what my neighbors are thinking right about now. Funk soul brother, check it out now. Okay, and so people die. Like that was my problem. Fucking fucking I didn't know my dad was gonna die. They lied to me right up to the end and I'm grateful for it.

Wait, seriously? So fuck yeah. I'd ask as as recently as a couple weeks before. I I said a thing to my mother that was in retrospect so unbelievably heartbreaking that I I'm reluctant to even tell you the anecdote. It was so sad. But anyways, it worked out fine. Oh shit! Did you hear me? Oh my god. Oh my god. Sorry, I'm gonna throw to you in a minute, so be ready to be very funny. So funny. Did you catch any news in the last day or so uh that involves the resolution of something that happened on Survivor. Several years ago. No. Okay, may I send you a headline while you're being smart? Please. Yes. Do you do this stuff? Do you do this? Or like they could also just be like, oh, I re you know, there's the funny stuff like how I am That I I just this is one of those like I don't understand.

It's one of those like, you know, like synesthesia or what's one of the classic ones where you're like, I had no idea that this isn't how everybody sees the world. You know what I mean? Synesthesia, famous. Well, like I didn't know uh like sort of the subvocalization like something like subvocalization or um what I wanted to do. So subvocalization that's like reading that's like reading aloud uh uh like reading a life aloud to yourself. It's y yeah, it's like if you read something like that. Reading Life Aloud really sounds like a nineties self-help book. No, it sounds like a Ricken book, really. I mean not even the nineties would publish that. There's another terms of this when we read aloud to the world, are we not also reading aloud to ourselves?

It's like Devin doesn't want him to be successful. Dr. Rick in Hale PhD. It's always funny, always funny, because all of you people who demand that people call you doctor. If we for whatever reason fail to because maybe we don't care or it's not appropriate for the context, just remember you sound like Rick and Hale. I think that has brought a lot of people around. I've uh come around. Well now you hear it. That you hear. You don't hear important, but you you do hear you. I've never hear heard important But also I'm not sure. Are you aware that you say are you aware that you say rune instead of ruin? Yeah. Yeah, yeah, but you don't notice it enough to stop doing it. Oh, absolutely not. I don't think I I wouldn't if I could.

Yeah, no, I wouldn't if I could. You couldn't. You should try to do it in Manhattan. I can't. No one says can't. You sound like I can't. No. I can't. You sound like somebody in a Preston Sturgis movie. I tried all the different ways I can. I can't figure out a way to do it. I can't get my head around it. What kind of monogamy are you talking here? Hey, you put your glove inside a glove and slap your boy in the face. That King Cole's coming around. He's a dress because we're too young. We'll be in love Listening back, I bet I said Nat King Cole. Like I just don't say T's. I don't, I don't know. Oh, you don't see T's? I do up high. I'm not gonna go woke it go broke. No, are you kidding me? You gotta you gotta go to Kent on Stoke.

And and um and and that ain't no joke. I used to make the mic smoke. Um Magic. No, imagine me like doing that Doug Hanning thing. Where I'm kind of making making a lazy rainbow through the sky as I look off in the distance and I go. Well actually my hand goes just goes zoom, but the sound it goes is woo woo and rainbows and sparkles come out and I go magic live. Oh Of all the characters. Oh no, well I mean okay fair, fair a little bit little bit. Uh no, it's well I mean they're all cartoon characters, they can't feel So oh so we're told. Yeah, I know it's just gonna it's gonna be just like it's gonna be just like animals and then AI. You know, for I have no idea what you're doing. Well, there was a time when people didn't think all that much about whether w whether or how animals felt things and why we should care.

Oh, oh I yeah, yeah, okay. No bit bits aside, that's uh there was a lovely No, there was a lovely uh bit where you talked about Bando on the most recent rectus just listening to r right before we we recorded this. Well and uh like yes, we we project um you're talking about how we project uh personality and feelings onto animals. But from from specific We guess a specific reason why they're doing what they're doing right now that is just part of it's just a piece of this much bigger, ongoing puzzle of trying to figure out the world of your animal. And then like basically describing the world of your animal and creating an entire world for them. Like, oh, he thinks he's people. No, I think he probably does not really think he's people.

But you seems persuaded that he does. He is an animal. I don't think he knows what being people is. I some people think that that projection is harmful in some way, and I suppose it could be, but also some projection towards yeah, but also some things that we project on the other humans with similar consciousness uh uh can also be harmful. And we also don't know that like the uh a lot of animal behaviorists The I think both y you and Syracuse have mentioned this, um are like, well they might understand and they will be the first to tell you, no, no, we have no idea. And we have no idea what they are th thinking we have no idea what uh what they know and that is the coolest part and that is the biggest mystery because they're projecting something onto us.

Because very they are reacting not in a Pavlovian s sort of ooh God what a gross guy sort of way. Yeah, super gross. Do you ever see the photos? Yes. You ever seen what that little that little spout looked like when they put it through the dog's cheek? Yes. Because a lot of times people just present that as, oh, this guy, he's really smart. He taught dogs how to anticipate the food was coming because he would ring a bell and that would cause him to salivate. And you're thinking it's gonna be like a wolf on a pork chop. In a forties. It's not, it's much more scientific. And ergo more troubling. Well, it's scientific. Oh god. But I mean, I don't know. This is gonna be just a little spritz, quick spritz of my my patented science spray.

But um I think uh there are things that I that feel analogous from the animal and human world. I mean, look at something like, you know, Skinner and the pigeons like pecking, you know, to get the pellet. Right. Or I'm thinking about every every ill every photo. Be careful in what photos you put in an intersec textbook, because that is what people will remember. Yes, I remember the dog. Well they somebody had to specifically design a little spout to stick in and when I say cheek, I don't mean up front, I mean way back. They put this spout into the permanently into the dog's face. So they could track how much it's elevated. That's fine, that's science. I also I also do remember BF Skinner's uh well what what purported to be if BF Skinner's uh pigeons.

I don't know if they're personally his he might have been lent Lint pigeons. Um that's where you put ash on your head. Or Red Pigeon. They went out of business even though chicken soup is hell bottom. Remember monkey? The monkey hugs monkey hugs the soft thing rather than the the the the the milk wire. Yeah. That's sad, sad, sad little monkey. Remember that? That's s yeah yeah and it had an upsetting little head and so I saw a headline in Apple News yesterday. And uh of course I My two main sources of aerobic uh uh exercise are hiding distracting items in safari. and not clicking headlines. It's a form of resistance training, if you think about it. My not clicking headlines is a big part of of that's why I'm so I'm so vivid as a person.

And it says something like, um And I just want to really underscore. You really want to avoid, don't never click on any headline. Obviously that includes a question mark. Never begins with the word this. Just just notice it. From now on you will notice how shitty every headline, no headline should begin with a question mark. That is not what a headline is for. It is known. You are answering a question, not posing one. Mm-hmm. But Yeah. The this uh begins with this. No, yeah, I retract my brief thought. This Prime Minister I needed more time to think about these. This Prime Minister insists pe peace peace in Europe has come at last. More inside. No, I'm talking about Neville Chamberlain, who was better than people thought or think.

He was even in the splendid in the vibe. Oh, you caught this in the Hitler stuff. He got he got kind of a bad rap It was bad talking to me. That's the thing. He was not a coward and he was smart and it's that's the part that bugs me is when people act like, you know, oh, you know, uh the French like to surrender and Neville Chamberlain, blah, and it's like, oh God. Even in The Splendid and the Vile, which is an amazing an another amazing Eric Larson book, which is a you know, Fawns over Churchill and I in a way that I like. very fair to Chamberlain and i it kind of gives the backhanding question of like, well, okay, if you were him, what the fuck would you do? How okay, how would you go against Hitler?

Like th there was no cowardice. for another European war. Certainly not in America, but for obvious reasons also not in in you know in Britain. And like once you start seeing those Britain, once you start seeing those photos of how much all the royalty of Europe and r and Russia like look the same, you start getting it. It's like and like it we oughtn't forget just because it happened at a time when this kind of thing seems indecorous to us now. if you look at a picture of Tsar Nicholas next to oh who is the famous one, um King Shit. I don't remember. But but you know, you know, the King of England and the Tsar of Russia were May not brothers, right? Were were they were were were cousins? Well they were something.

Well, I mean like you never seen two two early photographs of two people that look more alike. Also remember, I mean there's just this huge and remember like from from what you learned watching the crown. The the connections with Germany and Russia and all of the protectorates and it's just all just w you know, one big upper class, you know Oh you it's not a relay show. You can say circle joke. Our logo's not round. The uh it kind does it look like Meta's logo? Anyway, uh Oh the new one that's like two halves of a circle. I uh I just figure everything's special, so I never ask. I uh whenever you ask them almost everything's special and you don't want to get into it They don't make anything that's not special like the after show.

I don't know. I don't I mean I can't have time to listen to all of them. I do have time, I just choose not to, but uh it's uh no, everything's very special with those guys. You don't want to upset them. They're they're young. Too young to really be in love. Wait, there you uh uh am I am I ba uh am I baby? How did baby uh how is baby formed? Am I I'm no longer young. I am thirty four. Do you wanna pick one bit or do you wanna just I am the incoherent w one um this. And what did you do to the show? And what did you do to the show? What did I do to the show? Ruined it. I am sorry. It's important, yeah. Um I put this on the internet. Imagine. You said it twice now. Yes, I almost like praying. Yes.

I kept putting off-watching conclave because uh the uh hold Hold on. Because uh Pope John Paul II died when I was in eighth grade and being confirmed. And that felt like It fucked up. I'm not it's not it's like not that necessarily you think you did that, but you certainly would have to be questioned by somebody. Uh-huh. Well and I'll we totally did think. I I mean uh we th I thought I did it. I did. Like 100%. I killed the Polish Pope. That was just I did. And then Uh we got a pope that speci like? Yes. And what's weird is like Pope. Like the first Polak. Woof. I mean he was beloved by a lot of people, but he did lose the recipe for ice. I don't know this story. Oh gosh. You didn't hear about the time that you wanted to put screen doors on submarines?

You never heard about that? Sounds very drop. What uh screen door is. What screen country is he from? Pope. Screen tourist ice. Pope. Uh uh Okay, alright. See this is how you can tell I'm Polish too. Pope comes in and he's got a giant he's got a giant. No, I'm I'm not doing that you're doing that, which is fine. You're allowed to do that. But anyway he comes in. He's uh he's he's got he's in he's in the he's got all his gowns. He's got all his gowns and hats. He's wearing his Stevie Nick scarves There's a Neil Young fan shooting at him. He walks into uh fucking uh St. Peter's Basilica, whatever, I don't care. He's got his his hands are overflowing. with horse shit from the Swiss Guards horses.

Le Cheval de Suisse. And he comes in, he's got his hands full of shit. The great, the great, the great What's this John John Paul John Paul George Peter the Second? John Paul George Peter the Second comes in, hands full of of shit. And you know what he he says to the crowd? The crowd's weeping. They're waiting. What is what is uh uh what was his name, Carol? Was that his name? What what is the I think it's his name, Carol with a K. What's what's he gonna say? What's he gonna say? Why does he have all that shit in his hands? He goes, he goes, hey, look at what I almost have stepped in. Because of where he was born Now this pope cause um I've made it through the second act of conclave twice and I just have not been able to finish it 'cause I Whatever.

I watched it one. I watched it two two-thirds of the way through once alone and two-thirds of the way through once with Billy, and I still haven't watched the end. But people seem to think it's good. I like Ralph fine. And I and of course I like the touch. I like it all. But um but yeah, I know it's so funny though, because then I heard the current non-Polish Pope. Do we still say that? The non-Polish Pope right now he's a he's a gotta he's a god of the water and alongside real bad. One one on one side, one on the other. And as a young person, he'd had some lung things, so they had to take out part of the papal lungs when he was a youth. Did you know that? No. He's already down like half a lung.

Ugh, yeah. Well mm uh they like keeping it short now because it w it JP was very popular. Oh short short rain. Oh I see. I thought you meant in terms of like when you could still report it as a crime. Okay. It's a statute of limitations. It's not a concept here. We have a very small country, it's around by me. Uh I I watched Conclave last night and again this morning and the homily like twice. Homily, homily, homily Uh for other. Is it the homily at the end, I'm guessing? No, no, no, no. It's the basic one at the beginning. It is But uh uh a friend of the show, Matt Vanover, was like, Alex, this was put uh this movie was made in a lab for you. It truly was. But the the Pope dies when I was confirmed.

Um I never learned how uh that's why so few popes so few pop so few popes have died because you've been able to keep it out of your pants. Yes, exactly. Oh no, we lose another one It's a it's a that confused kid on the train in uh in a ear noise. Uh oh god. And then I looked at my cute neighbor and just all downhill from there. Um But there was then a uh uh the uh a react a somewhat reactionary pope was elected. Not an Italian that everyone expected. But uh Pope Benedict the n wait, seventh seventh, yes. Uh seventeenth, sorry. And he was a uh a German. Gotta gotta keep those uh keep those Popeheads at arm's length. Yeah. Well, I I this is actually uh something I'm not proud of. I initially was like, oh fuck this guy because he is he was part uh I mean not just like, you know, he was a really conservative, but also like he was part of the Hitler Youth.

What the fuck? But at the time I did not realize that the Hitler youth was the YMCA of Germany, that just every child was like it was more than Girl Scouts. just were in Hitler youth if you were in the U. S. again Vol Volksgemeinschaft is not just a river in Egypt. Like it was a there was uh what they call Nazification. It was everywhere. Do you remember what what part of Europe he was from? Germany. He was he lived in Germany. So like is he like Bavarian or was he do we know because like you know there's the Germany is kind of a made up country to begin with. Do we because is he from like a big city or the country or like where was he from? I know he was ordained in Bavaria based on the uh Wikipedia from last night.

Um Pope Ratzinger. Uh yeah. Oh John Ratzinger, the guy that's in all the Pixar movies. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You know what of course uh you know sorry I'm not gonna do I'm not gonna do him. Pope Pope Benedict the XVI Yes, which is seventeen, I believe. Yeah, seventeen. Um but then he abdic Wait, wait, XVI isn't the 16th. God mmm No, I just like when you're confident and wrong. Because you're wrong so often and confident so few. It's it's part of my gender affirmation to just have the unearned confidence. I ask you specifically not to affirmate. That hurts the pope. Let's see, Archbishop of Munich Or as we call it, there what do they call it? Moon Munchin, is that what they call it? Uh death of Pope Chum Paul, Pope Mar pfft Oh wait, is this the guy who quit?

Yes, and what did he quit, Merlin? Oh, um, I think to avoid things that would embarrass uh the the the the the Holy See. Well I I did it. Was it as long as long when Max was in trouble because of the show? No, no, no, no, no. Is it our fault? Did we kill him? No, well, n I made him abdicate because in uh February of twenty thirteen he resigned, which was right after After I had celebrated publicly my first Valentine's Day with Matt. Um, so that was And like it was the first time I had ever brought, you know, a then girlfriend, like a part like had a real partner with and it was really So I killed a Pope and then I made one so mad he quit. Uh and he died in twenty twenty-two. I don't know how I I don't think I killed him.

Pope Emeritus. That sounds very made up. Yes. I'm he he was um in Conclave uh the the Wait is Conclave true Uh no, it's based on a novel, but uh which I now desperately want to r read. Um Jesus Christ, that fucking movie. I I like I like that. It's fun. I mean it's it's it's trash. It's beautiful trash. It is very it's like a very high end showtime movie. And I hate to join this particular crowd of extremely unlikable online people, but it's another one of those movies that doesn't even look like a movie. It's it's it's it's high-end TV with peop with with longer takes. But that is the story's garbage. That's what Catholicism is. And there's good writing in Catholicism. Uh the uh sometimes well well after Robert Lowell Robert Lowell and s and Thomas Aquinas come to mind.

Oh but think think of all of the just absolute ludicrous timing uh happening in that movie. The revelation of the guy with uh the baby daddy stuff Like being in the middle of the nth round of voting. Yes. And Rafe and Ralph has to say to him, like, eh, you know, the jig is up. Like, you had your you had your fun. But like, you know, he kinda he kinda gives him the carlow where he's like, look, you're gonna go we're sending you to Vegas. Get in the car. I'll explain it to Talia Shire. I'm a godfather your son I wouldn't kill you. I'm smart, not a small. Hey did I say Carlo? I guess I meant I meant I meant I meant Polly. Oh I thought you said Freyday. No, no, no, that's not in that movie. Remember he kicks out the windshield?

Ah, that's such a good movie It's when and so when Mike says to him today, he says, don't don't lie to me, he says I settled today, I settled all the family family's business. Oh and he sits down in the way only Al Pacino can sit down. His y'all Pacino's character, Michael Corleone, is very gifted at sitting down. You could learn a lot about sitting. Are you still there? Yeah. Yes. I'm thinking about how he sits. Oh he'll just s very slowly very slowly with his legs parallel and often with his hands, like just north of his knees. And he does it very slowly. But in that case, he is Carlo, right? Who's who's uh who's Connie's uh terrible husband that Sonny beat up? Oh shit The guy who narked him out the guy who narked him out to uh Barsini Yeah, the the guy who maybe like, oh fuck pacifism, just show you.

But he's the guy that the guy that James Conn actually hurt really bad in that scene. Did he? Yeah, yeah. It's pretty rough to watch. You g even when you could tell he's pulling his punches or pulling his garbage can hits, it's it's still pretty rough to watch. It was those wingtip shoes. Nothing hurts like a wingtip. Nothing hurts like a wingtip. But she had it coming. She was being she was being a little guinea brat. The fact that I got that line right should show you that I'm just making a joke. I I under s I understand. I don't need to laugh at all the jokes. No, but thank God you don't need to understand them. Oh god, no. And also with you. It's Yeah, have you lost your bell? I haven't heard your bell in a while.

And you'll hear the bell when you are in the bell I don't no no no. On other shows, that's what's surprising me because I haven't earned the bell. They'll hear the bell. They'll hear the bell. I see. When they earn the bell. I see. None of us oh all three of us I see. We're just testing? Is that is this a testing thing? Ready? Stand by. God, I hate your bow. I know, it's not very good. Nah, sorry. Um, um, but I think that goes for lots of things. And now you're making me realize something. that should be obvious, but the a a belief, like so many things, me like so many beliefs, uh, they really turn on a pretty high level of At the very least, I'm gonna try and put this neutrally but fairly. There's there's so many things along the lines of magic, things that I would call coincidence.

Like there's all these different kinds of things. And a lot of times what it It really comes down to this. Even thinking f even pausing to think that a thing might be a thing requires such a level of self-absorption and such a level of Kind of not self-aggrandizement exactly, but thinking that like you're the chosen one or something. To think that you're not not you, but like, for example, that oh my God. I I I fingered a girl and then um the Pope died. Yep. Or for me, I mean, I've had a lot of those. Poor like I've I don't know, I don't want to get into it. But my my level of magical thinking is much more grand. Like it's not it's not as simple as like oh you know, I eat meat for the first time in two years and spring started late.

Fucking guy of bullshit. I'm talking about like like no no no like I have set off chains in my head I have set off chains of events through my sins and my misdeeds. There's a way that I got Elon Musk to where he is today. I have talked about this with Savannah. It's sort of like, you know, at the at the end of um you know, at the end of the first uh of the two last Harry Potter movies. But you know when they all go outside, they all stand outside Hogwarts and point their wands at the sky to try and make the bad guys stay out. Yeah. Yeah, what's that movie called? Um Deathly Hollow, the last two. But isn't there a scene where where uh where uh Professor uh uh uh Gomorrah or whatever. Everybody goes outside and you point your pony little uh wand at the sky and then that's gonna make the bad guys stay out, right?

That's kind of I think we've that's something we've all done. Yes. We just didn't know. We didn't know we were pointing our wands at the sky. Too long for a title, but uh maybe not. Uh wands at the sky. Um I think so much of my magical thinking ends up being so curvy that it it It becomes even more uh incoherent. Like I was with uh the rabbit in the hat, I was with you But then you do what? Like you caused things to happen in the past? Yes, I have. That's that's the magic. That's crazy. Well there's the other part too of Okay, I know that there are things that I yeah that like the mental illness aspect is like, okay, I know that thing is not is not real, and s then m it even more so m my magical thinking becomes like, huh, well, like of course it can't be real, but th Then it g becomes even more twisted and inconvoluted of like, all right, Savannah Million and I making jokes in twenty thirteen then that made people fans of Elon Musk that was connected to Gamergate because uh we uh hung out with Zoe that day and then worked next to Anita.

And like it just Snowballs and snowballs. Oh no, you should not you should have only told your lawyer about this. That's f oh you definitely had a role. Oh, uh yeah. Just because you know what else if I could say, and let's just point this out for the people who have uh fucking brain or John Syracusa, I don't understand. S Why would you ever think like that? Brother, because you can make the connections And the more tenuous at first that it feels, the more it feels like the end of a mystery. And solving a clue that nobody else noticed. And you go like, oh, it was that particular thing. And then I got into Marvel movies and he was in that Iron Man movie and I thought it was funny. Yep. And I laughed so hard at the Rick and Morty.

No, I just I just I just wanted my uh I just wanted my my hard goods store in uh Warsaw to thrive. So I put on the pin. Kek. Do we still say that? Lowly. Oh fuck me. You did it, man. You ate the booger. I did it. Um I don't I don't like this challenge, but we can do it. I don't think I think what we're doing now is more interesting than this challenge. If you have something good, do it. But like I don't want to talk for an hour about the challenge. It's not interesting Uh the the challenge was to uh examine your unconventional fancies. I almost got it. No, no, no. If the thing you wrote isn't that good, it won't matter what the fidelity is. And I love when you speak with confidence about something that's not accurate, but you're very close.

I know. Yeah. I know. I know whatever. Something having to do with finding either an unusual unusual source of uh luxury in your life that doesn't have to be expensive Something like that? Yeah. Follow-up to unconventional fancy. It was the follow-up to how we were enjoying uh Blackwing pencils specifically and how Oh sorry, you know what? I fin I didn't finish one thing. Can I finish this? Johnny Fairplay's grandmother actually died now. I wanted to laugh. My first instinct was to laugh. Of course I will I laugh too. Well that's what I when I sent it to my family, the line I sent him with was, dude, she's actually dead. Okay, sorry, continue. I don't like that guy. Jeff, bring him back to the party.

Who plans that with somebody before the game starts? Who plans that? Oh, I absolutely would. Are you kidding me? Like, yes, I would. You think you're that organized? No, I don't know. I challenge this week is to score sympathy points by saying that your grandmother died while you're on a TV show. And then somebody else didn't only But it was also one of those episodes where like the family gets thrown in the water and stuff. It's like it was a very upsetting episode. I'm so glad they stopped doing that. I thought fine I made me 'cause like that's boy talk about a when I say unfair, like just uneven. thing to do. Yeah. I mean if that was like if that was like a Rosa Parks looking uh grandma, like would you just dump her in dump her into the drink?

They but they did, they do like it. I hope you win, sweetheart. I love you. Look in your Bible, there's twenty dollars. I like the notes or um the letters from loved ones. Wasn't a fan of the loved ones' visits. We're really There's a burger. Man. There's a burger that I used to get. Bourbon Street Burger. App from Applebee's. Yeah. With my daughter and all I've ever wanted in the entire world was to be on a TV show where I get to have that only it's in Fiji. What? This is the thing. Can I just also remind you guys? I know you guys don't hear anything. Oh fucking Merlin's crazy. I already sent in three YouTube videos that I hadn't watched about how he doesn't know anything. Thanks. You're all extremely smart.

You've searched on the internet and you're yelling an answer. No. But but what I what I what I am saying is every time they talk about this food, and I believe me, I understand. Like I I eat often enough. I eat like at least two or three times a week. And like I understand it's nice to have food and if I were on that island I will just say also QED that is not I would not thrive in that environment. It'd be nice to give food. But every time, every time they say anything, especially involving food, it's so important that And put 'em it's so vital that you always add the two-word phrase in Fiji Now I don't know if y'all have ever had the fortune, the good fortune, to be on vacation in an impoverished third world country.

I have. And just because they call it Oriental night does not mean that that's a night that you should be prepared to to to to bump up to that table and enjoy some of those uh some of those some of those Oriental dishes. Yep. You know, the d in the Dominican Republic As somebody who's been to the Dominican Republic, I'm just here to tell you I know to add in the Dominican Republic to the name. And it's not I don't mean that in in anything approaching a racist way. I mean in an extremely fucking practical way. You know what you could also change that to? In your uncle's rowboat. Yeah. It's Oh my God. You know what's so you know, God, what's your favorite? Like what's your if you could have like one fancy dish, what would it be?

Oh what I've always wanted to have that dish where you feed a bird to another bird and then like you put it in a ham And then you elect it to Congress and then it it gets it gets recalled, but then it gets eaten by a larger goose. What is that then called? And you're like, or I don't know, p piet of terror or whatever. I don't fucking know. And but like, oh man, you know, I would love to have creme brulee on our on your unc in your uncle's rowboat. Like take the fanciest thing you think is fanciest. But if but what when they but like even when they s but here's the thing. Even if it's a brand even or especially if it's a brand name, if it's outback steakhouse steak from the Outback If it is uh what's the fucking uh a bourbon burger?

What's that place? Uh Applebee's Bourbon Street Burger from the You belong in Applebee's. That sounds like that's that sounds like something Applebee's That sounds like something that Heydrich would say. You belong into Applebee's They renamed it from because of it. They changed the name of the camp. It was named from a nearby river. Now it's called Applepeace. Oh, it's See, I'm not gonna lie. I don't expect you to laugh. I'll I'll I'll wake you w when when it's a good one. Yeah, but here's the thing. Uh oh boy, you know what would be we great would be to uh like oh man I really hope I can get the COVID vaccine in your uncle's rowboat. What I'm trying to say is Yeah, instead of thinking about the brand name Applebee's and the brand name, the fucking brand name, Bourbon Street Affliction, or whatever it's called.

No, imagine about this. Imagine that you're going imagine you go out shopping in Fiji. Let's say you go out to the store in the Dominican Republic. Oh I better pick up some ingredients for my bourbon burger. I'm gonna pick up a few pounds of what I'm sure is extremely high grade beef. I'm gonna get it's got an egg on it, so I'll need to buy some local eggs. I'm gonna get all the I'm gonna get all the natural sauces and luckily I have a fully trick tricked out professional industrial kitchen and refrigeration place to put all of these things. There will never be any concerns about having to shoot this over three hours in the middle of the day in Fiji. I would love to have that. I would love to have this.

I would love to have this beautiful Thanksgiving meal with all with all the fix-ins in Fiji. That is part of their d deal with Fiji and the island that they bought. They made a deal with Fiji. Yes. Okay. They have uh In Fiji they Yes, in Fiji they Did you know they shoot in Fiji? Fiji's a big taxer. They they they're a big taxer. That's the new era. That's still in the new era. I like the new era. I they've got rid of a uh mmm. Well, you better look under your seat because you'll discover there are three Devil Beware challenges. You can only open two, but two of them need to be opened after the next person who's shorter than you, shorter than you gets voted off of tribal council. Now if there's nobody voted off of tribal council within the next two calendar weeks, then it rolls back over and you have a you have a retroactive uh Cocoa Beware challenge.

Oh, is it has it gotten to that level? We're up that late. Oh yeah, we're that late in the process now. It's it's been this this this new era. Um things have changed and a lot of people really gotta get their head in the game. I uh I uh really think you should try watching the Traitors because it has all of the failings that will put a It's just a b it's such a Ain't no gay like a Scottish gay, because a Scottish gay It's charming. Yep. Yes. I love wraps. You know what's good is you get a wrap with all that lettuce in it. You know what? Those are good. Those are really good in Fiji. We're plan for? No. Oh gosh. Absolutely not. Can I just have something that people who have lived here for centuries eat?

that is not weird. Could I have something that's neither an eyeball nor a a book depository burger. Like I don't want anything cute. I don't want anything clever. I don't want anything branded. I don't want anything that can go bad. Like I'm not gonna have like a scotch egg. Like I don't want anything we don't I don't don't get cute about this. The more specifically fancy this food seems, the more I know that it's going to kill one of us. Yeah, but it's an unconventional fancy. So you know, Unconventional fancy. Spencer Bledson. Okay, if you're gonna keep pursuing this, I need to make another coffee. Do you want to do that? Do you want to do that thing, that bit where you talk to the audience that you like to do?

Yes, yes. But uh please. This will probably be Enjoy your coffee. I'm gonna say less than hopefully less than two minutes, but I don't control the uh Uh oh God, what is it what is it the uh the onion knight says? My lord my my lord I do not speak for the wind, or what does he say? There's a great line. Uh uh no that was P Pope Bratzinger. Um Pope Bratzinger Norm! They used to say when he come in. Did you watch the Sir Ant Live special? I uh no, I've been watching it in clips. Oh god, it's so good. So good. And when fucking fucking motherfucking fucking Merrill Street rolls up in a scene with Kate McKinnon. Oh my fucking God. I've watched because you know I love that sketch, right? You know that sketch, the the the the abduction sketch.

Which is an okay good sketch. It's a wonderful sketch for when you've got a celebrity. Right. Ryan Gosling is incredible in that one. First time she goes, yeah, it was a little different for me. And the flicking her moves. You know, Don Donald What was a Donald Ducking around? Shirt, no pants. Um Whoa, she has funny names for her polls too. Uh do you mind if I make a coffee? Please. Okay, it is currently uh 1141. Oh shoot, with the train going by? I think I just made it easy to kill me. I think I just became a soft target. I just triangulated exactly what you're doing. Yeah, the police keep trying to burn my foot through the ceiling. God, you remember that woman I used to I used to stalk on Twitter?

Yeah. With the weird feet? Oh man. Yeah, she was what I think of as as like one of your guys. She was one of my guys. The w the one in the the one in the not in the empire, but the woman out in like Contra Costa, there's a woman out east of here who was she was my special gal. And she's the one that thought her whole family in her suburban neighborhood was out to get her. The Asian the Asian woman, um, married to uh an American guy. Uh and uh they had a kid and the father would was supposedly turning the daughter against her. Remember that one And she would constantly just take photos of of things on the street that she thought were surveilling her? Oh yeah. She was my favorite targeted inner individual.

And I don't think I interacted with her more than four or five times ever. No it 'cause the other ones are just they're so joyful. No, that was a that was a very sad one. No. Depends how how much uh the uh have hate in in their hearts as well. If I only laugh at things that aren't sad. I mean that's that's a Canadian. Like where you're not going to be able to do that. Not everything is everything. I didn't say that. Not everything is everything. Okay. And go do your coffee. What do you mean by that? Not everything is everything. No, I heard it the first time. The words were clear enough given what you're capable of. What does that mean to you? No, it's a guy I got plenty of time to make a coffee.

What does that phrase mean to you? We've had to do that. No, don't type. I don't want to hear a single one of those little fat fingers on the case. My cat, we're looking at my microphone. It's my Oh, someone changed my toilet to a refrigerator. Everything's confusing. We don't want the internet. There's weather. That's you. You do that. Oh no. Um What does that mean? Life is difficult. This is my chair. Uh I I know you took off your chair. You don't need to worry about my chair. What does everything is not everything mean to my chair? Or not everything is everything Okay, I'm gonna go get a coffee. Don't worry about it. Um okay, I will be back. It is now 11. 43. Uh and I'll see you in a minute.

Okay? Yes. Stand by. Hello friends. I uh realize that almost all of my unconventional fancies as we're calling them again. have been talked about ad nauseum on this show, one of which is the chair I am sitting in that I got at the beginning of the pandemic. uh and I was never a t a t a chairperson. Y y you know, you know us chair people. It's a very, very comfortable office chair. And uh recently I was at a workspace that had a really shitty office chair and I'm like, oh, I suppose at 34, like it will hurt your ass if you are just sitting for six hours in something uncomfortable. Uh and I I I don't know, that made me also think about the other just teen C practical things that I think feel somewhat luxurious like my Tom Binbag that has w I believe they're called Endless straps.

So the straps you put on your shoulder are really soft and really really comfortable. And all of these things, like the fancy desk chair and uh the silly Tom Bin Bag that all you know, all the um um All uh the the one thing uh that brings all this together is that I've had them all for at least half a decade at this point. And m most of my uh uh fancies are uh unconventional only in that most people wouldn't spend as much time or money on something and that's kind of what I think brought a lot of Apple nerds together in that even though we had a lot of different tastes, all of our tastes were very particular, like mo more than uh opinionated, s somewhat r radical in how we want our things. But I I d guess that is just something that I'm very grateful that was kind of put on to me as a kid, being a apple and a Mac nerd.

Um, I rather not have something than have a shitty thing. Like I literally would rather not have a computer. You better hope that never gets cut out and put out on its own. What uh uh well Do you remember what it was that you just said? That I would rather not have anything than a shitty thing. Like food Oh there are starving children in Africa. Well if that joke's not funny, I need you to do something new. But do you realize how much it sounds like you're you're the most insane privileged person in the world when you say that? Uh you're not, but that makes you sound like that. I know, but not ever uh really uh Uh that uh uh there are uh for for example, uh I actually just saw last night uh you got to uh uh uh play Tiny Glade, which makes me so so happy.

Uh and I looked at how you're playing it and I'm like, oh this this isn't for me. And I m you looked at how I'm you looked at two screen grabs Of a Mac. And that told you quote how I'm playing Tiny Glade. Oh, Geo4. I went, um, I I missed it. Oh, how I'm playing it as in the way via the way through which I am able to play it. Yes. And I realized in terms of like my let's say luxuries, my things that are like unnecessary and nice. I'm like, oh yeah, no, this is not for me only because I really enjoy holding like holding a controller or a station controller. The yeah, but it just uh I don't know, it's just not for me and that's and that's okay. Yeah That's a really good point And that's okay. Yeah, no, it's a very it's a very good point.

Uh that's kind of how we've grown a lot, especially learning about how uh again, I love when people talk about in Wii's the Wii's uh the the Apple and Mac users and how we are. You know, we have a very we're very particular about things. No, I have I have I would put it differently. I would say that people who use Macs uh like to win at everything and refuse to play games that they can't win. The okay that's a very good way of putting it. I can think of three dear friends of mine in this very second and that's how they are. They have to win. And if there's a situation where they can't win or won't win or shan't win, they just don't play. And they they kind of like go, oh I don't do that. I don't know.

I don't play these kinds of games. I do not play such games. Oh, I thought you meant in in l life. What did I mean? I uh I uh you're talking about video games. No no no no I mean I mean in life. Oh, alright. Oh. I don't know if that You ever you ever noticed John Gruber has never pulled for a team that mostly loses? No, well Now say to yourself, wait, that's a that's a strange question. Uh who's your best friend? Who's your best friend, Alex? Don't think it just say words. Kara. What's Kara's favorite team? The Cubs. Do they win all the time? No. Is there anybody who loves the cop that loves the Cubs more than Kara? Uh probably not. Thank you. Do you see a point in that? Yes. Oh no no I I do but Some people just want to be right.

Yes. And if they can't be right They don't they don't want to play. Yeah. Don Sarkisa has never lost an argument because he refuses to agree that it's an argument if he knows that he can't win it. Yes. He only fights. It's like it's like debating Cory Doctoro. Like he'll always win every argument as long as you have an argument in the way Cory Doctor wants But or John or Syracuse, honestly. Like I I don't I don't even now I just have fun with it. Now I just make mouth noises because I know I'm helping him with his cosplay of always winning everything. Because he has he has all these these cultural critics who follow him around very closely, making sure that his logic always lines up. Or it's like it's like that time I had to sit there and watch Jesse Thorne Who's fine?

Interview a really famous comic book person on stage. Uh I think self by so it might've been XOXO But like, you know, this is Jesse would do this all the time. Jesse can get into like which specific neighborhood in Oakland a rapper came from. Like he is he knows a lot about rappers from the East Bay. But as soon as anybody mentions graphic novels, he makes this noise. Yep. I didn't know he was one of those. Have you ever met people like that? who are who have feelings that are so strong, so just intractably real, not just feelings about something, but like it's like a part of their personality. Like you can argue I mean yeah, there's not even a way to make a joke about these people. Like I could try and come up with some kind of a a joke about Linux or Unix like operating systems.

And I could make some joke about how this guy uh will argue with anything as long as it's about why Debian's the best. Yes. Well And but like so if you decided that you want to come in, maybe not even have an argument, but just maybe have um a discussion. uh about the rules of about like Australian rules football. But that person, like like, like a lot of my dear friends would just go, oh, I don't know anything about that. Instead of trying to say, like, well, explain the rules and I'll give you my opinion about it. Because they can't win. They can't win, they won't win. They don't control the information and they don't control the idea of when someone has won something. It's very important. One way to know whether somebody's good at a sport is to see whether it's been decided that they won.

Now, if you're the one who's leading the team and also deciding who's won the, in this case, argument. . That's not a particularly fair way to proceed through life with with people who operate in good faith. I mean I You've lost this argument already. Uh no, I don't have a I I agree. I just I'm gonna drink this coffee now. I love that you did can we just start you know what? Can I just say from now on you'll continue in a minute when I'm ready We we should just start doing a thing where you just whenever when I get tired of this, what we're doing here, and I want to make a coffee, you could just do the challenge yourself and then I come back and join back in and try to figure out what he said.

Yes. We don't edit for content. Oh yeah. No. Not anymore. It's it's pretty well did I except all the slurs I said that you kindly edited out. I do try to cut out as many of the slurs as I catch. So much of the time you're speaking in code. And using um sort of neologisms. Dog wood yeah. Dogwoods. Well whenever you call people dog don what? Don't backbills? What do you call people? I made a really good point. It's a shame. It's a shame that most of you won't get it because you're Apple people. Mm-hmm. It's that you're Apple people because you choose not to understand things that could that could broaden your idea of what you're wrong about. That that is I've already thought about all the things that I'm wrong about and I've decided that I'm really good at it.

Meh. This is uh And I can't be bad at it because I don't do it Th yesterday I read probably my favorite ever comparison of Mac OS and iPad OS that wasn't. Oh god, please don't keep it to yourself. Nope, nope, nope, nope is it they're based on the same code base, Glaglin? Nope, nope. It was Steve, it's Steve threw an aquarium into an iPad factory And see, there's hardly any water in there. Go back until there's no iPads left. He was that demanding. The uh passion that people I know who are like that I am a part of or rather we're a part of communities where you're right. There are people who just needs people should like what they like of the quote correct opinion, but I'm finding that now th that f a lot of folks have accepted that, you know, i one of the biggest companies in the world doesn't necessarily have their best values And uh that I'm not saying like that.

That would be a different difficult factual or counterfactual to prove. I feel like one that is easier to prove is the error is not with Apple. It's with the people who think that they were looking out for their best interest. Yeah. And I don't want to be Well no, I mean I don't think it's nefarious, but but there's a lot of people doing some pretty crazy fucking acrobatics right now. to try and make it seem like, well, at least Apple's trying and being a good guy. And it's like, well yeah, they are, but but it's funny that at once we are so forgiving about Apple because they're our guys, and at the same time we're so angry about other people who are not our guys. And all those other quote unquote tech companies we don't like.

Yeah. recognized the cognitive dissonance that were you know as a c Yeah, it's a good point. I have a new posting rule. I d I strive to not post anything that someone's seen before because that's kind of been my You would know because you have seen everything. No you know you know. You got up early to see everything. I do, I know all too well what you mean. You're trying to avoid set you're trying to do that anneal dash thing where it's like the famous Anil Dash scene it You don't want people you don't want to give people stuff that they've already seen. You want to give them something new and hopefully also interesting. It's not just that it's obscure, it's something that would be a point of view that they're not aware of.

Am I wrong? Uh well I'd be just talking about uh I I'm not sure. No, it's literally something we've never seen. You just Google for most obscure word definitions and post that. No, just talk about how I'm like well no one knows I I want to show people my cat and how she knocked over my AirPods and I talked about this just last night. I talked about your cat knocking things over just last night. She she's a fi you know, she's she's grown up. She's a toddler, um and it's a per it's a beautiful nightmare. Like I know that uh there's a lot of things. I think that was my Kanye West impression. Oh. Well you don't like beautiful dark twisted fantasy? No, it's perfect. It's absolutely perfect, and therefore it would be disingenuous albums.

It would be disingenuous of me to act like I don't like it because he's a piece of shit. And yet There are always going to be those uh people and they are annoying and you're pitching on this idea. You are the one I'm the hunting board. You're the you're the book holding up like, hey, look at the what I almost stepped in and Foxantino. But it wasn't until today. I uh uh thought that, you know, Apple was a perfect company and I was also, you know, sixteen years old. And p it's not that people are stupid. You got a reason too, I love that. No, no, no, no. You got a reason for why you can accept that you were wrong instead of just going I was wrong. I was wr well, that's uh no, no, no, no, hold on, hold on.

I know you're the first person who's ever done that. No, but uh then um because I knew everything when I was sixteen, as all sixteen year olds do, I held on to that. Uh yeah. I held on on to that uh f far longer than is appropriate or n normal. And uh no, I take it back. Um because I don't think I don't know Folks should not be shamed for suddenly realizing, oh yeah, maybe it's kind of gross. Or also maybe I don't need to. I love it when you're brave. Or you know what I especially love when you when you think you're being brave. That's the you that I like the most. Oh what no? I'm being very brave. You're the hero. I'm gonna step on this soapbox up here, getting up here on my fancy chair and soapbox and say, Child Soldiers made that soap.

Look at the photo I just sent you. Let's see. This is a new cat in Billy's life. That's Kirby. Look at Kirby. Kirby! You know what Kirby does? What does Kirby do? Oh, this has been this is this has been uh the way it's been explained to me is that Kirby, let's see, where are we? I gotta find this in the thread here. Okay, so Artemis' cat will just kind of walk up to you and just like dump in your lap. Like, no, no, no, as in like, as in like You know, go boneless. Just like drop comes bonus cat in your lap. And it's like hello, I'm Kirby. I am your new job. You will you will you will the your new job is Kirby. Kirby! But look at look at how sweet. Here's one of Kirby in Billy's lap. Look at how sweet that cat is.

Oh. Isn't that a s but look at those eyes You know what I would name this cat if this is my cat? Well, Kirby's a great name, because I would claim it's Jack Kirby. I'm stealing valor valor in that way. But um I would name this cat, I would name this cat Blackie. Because my best friend, my best friend John, uh and his sister Dawn, whose names rhymed in Ohio, that sounds like the beginning of an Irish poem My best friend John and his sister Dawn had names that rhymed in Ohio. Wait a minute, I think I'm writing a Librick. In Long Island it said that you're never quite dead as long as you're eating a prawn. No no no no no no Mary Mary Mary Okay I'll work it into a limerick and look at that look at that and the cat Kirby Kirby just comes up and sits on you That's what I think of as kinda no bones mode where i the cat melts.

Yeah. I am loaf. Yeah. Well, and and what Charlie our cat Charlie's such a cute name for a cat? She goes flat, like in a way that She went boneless. Sorry, I'm not quoting the great children's book Canuffle Bunny. She went boneless. The little kid collapses on the sidewalk and has to be picked up. Sorry, sorry. Bone, no bones, no bones mode. No bones mode. That was the name of my skateboard group. Oh God. Yeah, yeah. I gotta work on that limerick. That was pretty good. I have nothing to say about this challenge. I I I could, but um I'd rather just edit this and put it out. Yeah, no, I uh I just there goes the coffee cake. Really like my my oh you get it out of there? Is there what's it called when there's a a a glottal a g Oh yeah.

I get gl I get rice. I get rice in my glottal. Ooh. Hot. Hmm. Well it's hot. It does get passed back and forth between my mouth area and my nose area. Sometimes it feels more. Oh yeah, I've I've talked about this for years. When I eat rice, I I get a I get a glottal pass. Oh because well because of white privilege, I get a glottal pass. No good point to stop because there's no good. No. Hey look how Kirby isn't Kirby sweet? John and Don had a cat. When they got a when they they had a they had a Labrador Retriever, which is a an African American colored dog, and then they had a uh a a cat. And they were both of that same complexion. And Dawn, who was a toddler at the time, not John, got to name both of them and she named each of them Blackie.

And Blackie the Cat and Blackie the Dog. And Blackie the Cat would chase Blackie the Dog around their very small Cincinnati house with Blackie the Dog. having a look of sheer terror as he tried to outrun the cat over the couches, across the area between the couches. Blackie, stop chasing Blackie. So much wisdom. From from the from the mouths of a babe come words of child. Now get back to Long Island and go Buck Wild. Mary, Mary, Mary, as much as you can carry. And Chuck Berry photographs you in the toilet. How do you say Chuck Berry? Did you say Barry, Barry, or Barry? Ber Chuck Berry. Right. And so when he died they had a Chuck Chuck Chuck Barriel. They had to bury Chuck Berry. Chuck Barriel?

Yeah. Okay. They buried Chuck Berry. Those are two different things. I see, but they had to take him over on the Fieri. Which is which is that boat that makes you scared. I don't think we say that. It's not Pete Buddha Judge. We welcome you to the name. raw transcript