329. An Eccentric Driver

This is Do by Friday, a weekly challenge. Podcast with Alex Cox and Merlin Mann, but with special guest host Cara Fagan. This week's challenge: confess your Catholic guilt Hello, hello. Do I not get headphones? No, you do not get headphones. I'm not gonna know what I sound like. You sound fantastic This isn't we're It doesn't get me in the podcast zone. I could get you a pair of headphones. That don't plug into anything. Just so I can wear them and feel professional. No, then I wouldn't be able to hear well at all. Uh you're not Merlin man. Hi, Cara Fagan. You're doing this. Hi. What did you record? Yeah, we're no, we're re recording. Uh I didn't, although Matt's still using the microwave. This is this is what we call a punk rock show because We aren't in a studio.

We are recording in my living room. There there's cats. One of them has cancer. Maddie is making dinner and the microwave's gonna beep really loud. We're down-to-earth people here. You're just not gonna say anything, are you? Nothing. I left such a good clean open. I'm not speaking like the host on that show. I'm not speaking like the host of a show. Isn't that what this is? Are you saying I'm bad at my job and I'm I didn't say you were a bad host of the show. But I'm not speaking like I'm the host of a show. I there there's nothing uh in my voice that has changed. from hitting record. No, I don't mean the tone of your voice. I just mean you're I'm saying we're coming to you live from my living room, setting the scene.

I haven't talked about my cancer cat yet on this show. I'm so sorry. Uh but you are Cara Fagan and the founder of Cox's Cox. I am the founder of the word Cox's Cocks. Cucks. Do you know what are Cox's cucks, Karen? Um they're your fanboys. Well, I assume they're all boys. three uh um oh what is what are what do the turfs call uh there's at le at least three adult human females as jk rowling likes to say but they're he him I assume I uh uh the I don't know. I don't know. Um I just assume your audience is male. I I really don't know, and I don't like to think about it because Do some analytics because I do want to know. Uh I have you ever listened to this show before? Oh, I should say You have sent me clips.

I've listened to a couple clips. Ah. Uh but I've told you why I'm not super comfortable listening to a podcast of you because I am used to being able to respond to you. And talk back to you and make fun of you and say whatever I want back to you. And if you're just talking in my head and I feel the urge to to make fun of you or, you know, retort anything you're saying. I'll get so frustrated. You just get to talk at me uninterrupted. I don't wanna I don't wanna listen to that. If I wanna hear you, I can call you. Uh but uh that that is why I decided to have you on the show instead of not instead of uh You're the last person I could get. I did not You weren't my first ask. I didn't think I would have been, though.

Anyway, now you can retort. Because Merlin is uh out for the week, dun uh don't be creepy. I'm not giving away where he is because I was gonna ask, but now I won't. Yeah, no, don't, don't Um, I genuinely don't think I know, actually. Everyone's entitled to a week off. Or at least four. I was gonna say, one one week? Okay, Reagan. That's uh Oh, this is difficult because normally Merlin does most of the not most of that. It's not that Merlin does most of the talking. but I can predict when he's going to go on a like I can predict when he's going to tell a story. And then that's when I drink my Diet Coke, or in this case a cocks on the rocks, which is Diet Coke. And Tito's vodka, but now I don't know when you're gonna talk.

So talk so I can drink it. Yeah, I don't I'm not an experienced podcaster like Merlin, so don't expect me to go on any big monologues, but you you can you can talk at me and I will I'll respond to you and try to not think about the fact that there's an audience here. Uh there's like I I don't I don't want to think about how many people listen to the show because then it'll just make me sad. Uh uh uh Kara, you are on the do the do by Friday. Oh god. Uh you're on do by Friday because this week's challenge I still haven't decided how to pronounce uh or how how it should be named. Hmm. Hmm. Is uh this week's challenge, Confess That's funnier, but it's not really, I don't know. Confess, that's the challenge.

Uh or um, you know, uh profess your Catholic guilt, um, share your Catholic guilt Merlin I I I also like the titles to be uh are their challenges to sound funny, but Merlin has a specific cadence. He likes them and I I I and I thought that I knew what the it was, but I d I don't. We need a style guide for this show. For people like you who never listen. Yeah, sorry. I don't know the all the c customs and The Mores of Duba Friday. Again, not the first person I asked, but that that's okay. Um Because you and I were going to do a podcast together and We've been talking about it for like seven or eight years. Uh how long have Kara, where did we m meet? And how long have we been friends? Um, I believe the year was 2005.

We were 14-year-old freshmen at UPSEC, my god. What? Oh well. Do we have to edit that out? I don't know. Probably. That's gonna be a bleep leep bleep. Well you're a freshman at Beep High School. St. Beep High School. Ha ha ha lady of bees. All right, that that was good. Oh and then after we graduated we went to different colleges and uh then I uh got hired at Cards Against Humanity. And uh you needed a job. I'm working at David's bridle in Pier One and I would like to work elsewhere. I I remember when I uh went to Pier One and bought stuff from you and it was Oh my god, it was That was the most shameful feeling. No, there's something wrong with that. There's something wrong with that. You were but you were like trying boss me around.

No, I wasn't. I was awkwardly trying not to. Because my mom was there and I was like, it was deep in the case. I guess I just felt a sense of like I'm I'm professionally helping you as a customer. Well that's weird. But hey Then uh I got laid off from my job and you still have one, so look how the table centered. Uh okay, so I have officially had this job. Longer than you. Oh, that's true. No. Can we cut this out? This is sad to talk about. Why is it sad to talk about? Yeah. Most no Uh I uh Merlin thinks this too, that it is sad that uh not sad that, but he doesn't understand why I uh do DoorDash or like gig economy things, and I'm like, Merlin Have you been a queer person in tech trying to get a job in 2023 because I got some news for you.

It's uh not going great. But he he's just is like, Why do you why are you doing a job that requires you to leave your house? And I'm like, What uh what's wrong with leaving the house? Yeah. Well, I mean it's uh but But what's great about it, it's not like do it I I don't think I could do um Uber or Lyft like that That would be so stressful. Not just for safety reasons, just for like I'd immediately get one star just from being so awkward. It would have nothing to do. with gender, just be like, what the fuck is this person doing? It would oh god. I think it would be a in a bigoted way though. No, no, that's the thing. I wish I would love it if someone w if I was an Uber driver and someone got in my car and was transphobic.

I would love it. Because at least then there's like a reason. Whereas I know that people would just be like, ooh, yik, yikes because of my personality, not because of anything else. Take your side. No, that's that's the uh uh they would just give me one star. Uh I but actually don't people know that now that like if you give someone one star, you're essentially like telling Uber Lyft that you've been harassed because I will never ever give someone one s less than five less than five. Yeah, no. I've never I've had some terrible, terrible ride shares and they always get five stars. The well I yeah, I was actually going to say I have given one star like three one stars, but that was a like Yeah, you've gotten legit hate crimes.

Because I don't know why you'd you'd worry that you would be awkward because my favorite drivers don't say a goddamn word the entire trip. That's That's the best kind. I h I hope maybe I should try it at least once. Oh, see now I wonder Ooh I I'm scared of driving people to places where there's nowhere to like park and pull over and I Would have to try to avoid the bike lane and I don't know. The whole the parking at places is what does it for me. That's the thing though. We live in a gig economy world in which we always expect or at least I always expect wherever I go there to be an Uber driver or a Lyft driver. Um, either double parked or just Sure. It's oh I'd be such a bad drive. Alex, I hate to break it to you, but you kind of are a bad driver too.

I'm a bad driver. I'm not a bad driver. I am a bride. You're a below average driver. I have never gotten a ticket. ever. Wow. I've got into multiple accidents, but but never a ticket because uh one time I cut off Someone who I think was in the Ruff Russian mafia. Uh so he but but it's okay. He he didn't want to call the police and so that completely went away. It was in high school. And then another time I got uh cut off, like just he was he was really bad, but it was an Uber driver and he was illegally driving a car and uh he was lucky both times. Yeah, I know. That's and I'm a good driver, so I haven't ever gotten in any other accidents. Sure, okay. I uh I I I'm just a cautious Hmm, I'm an eccentric driver.

That's let's go with that. That's what I am. I hit someone in the Mariana's parking lot and one of Like the first few weeks of me working at cards and my car slid in the snow and hit someone parked at Mariano's L And I like was writing a note to leave on the car and as I was doing that the the lady came on to her car and I was like, I'm sorry. What how did that like exchange oh God I She was a very nice lady, um and she let me just pay out of pocket for it. Oh but also I feel like maybe work should have paid for that because I was on an errand for work. You should you should have ended up. Having to owe this lady like seven hundred fifty dollars. They did you tell like that actually probably bet they were.

tried to tell a lot of people because I was hoping someone would be like I didn't know about this. I know that you got towed for yeah. Look, I had not been a driver in this city for very long. How is it that you still have a job and I No idea, dude. I'm sure everyone who has ever worked with us is shocked that I'm one of the ones still still there. Uh no. No. See, this is you're right, this is depressing. I don't want to talk about this. I don't want to talk about my cat that has cancer. I don't let's talk about your dead dog. Or how your grandma died recently. Let's talk about it. And back to well, yeah. Grandma died in November, and Zoe, my dog, died in January. Yeah. Blumber of a winter it's been.

What was the third death? Um I feel like it was a famous person I liked. Yeah, I'm trying to think It wasn't Lynn Bramer from XRT. That really upset me. Oh yeah. Yeah. Love Lynn Bramer. That was I played in a softball league with him too, and I would hear him talk in real life. And I'd be like, oh, so starstruck because I've loved I've loved XRT and Lynn's been And everything he's done since I was a small child. No one's going to know what you are talking about. They don't Oh, they're not in the Chicago area. If they're if they are in the Chicago area, they should know Lynn Brian. Yes, yes. A famous radio personality from Chicago. Chicago. Yeah. And I I think some people will also know you as a famous Chicago personality because you are again the founder of Cox's Cux.

And uh pr a pretty big deal, Merlin Mann is to uh email as Kara Fagan is to Cubs Twitter. I don't understand that analogy, but sure. You're a big fucking deal on I'm a medium sized deal. You're a big okay. You're a big fucking deal on Cubs Twitter. 3K is a very modest following. No, but like that's the thing. Like you don't have any bots. And especially now. I have a very engaged I have my own cocks' cucks. I have to say your replies are a thing to behold. They're just Don't be mean. They're usually nice. They're y they are usually very nice. But I I just miss when Twitter was like You, me, and our high school pals using it as a chat room. Yeah. I never intended for strangers to chime in on the things I was saying.

I I I wish I was still just speaking to my pals, but I am by caring about a male dominated interest and and being a young lady and say occasionally tweeting funny things about baseball. And I uh got into tech and people were like, Oh yeah. Just like you know, just like your situation where people were like, Oh yeah, we've got a girl who likes baseball. People were I I I you know, I was There are plenty of girls who like baseball, by the way. But not all of them are on Twitter. But for me, Sneaky Sneaky Me was like, Yes, I'm a woman in check and then pa We I I I must mention my transness at least twice every episode. It is in my content. Plug the other pod. Uh uh to go go listen to uh actually, hey Matt!

Matchy. Maddie. Oh, do you have your headphones in? Come here. Come plug the pod. I have a mouthful No, we're talking about the five. Well we're we're doing a punk rock episode because Merlin isn't here, so we're doing you know, it's it's a punk rock due by Friday. Evening. I don't uh you can uh talk with your mouthful. Punk rock. Leave him alone. Punk pod. We're punk podding. Uh go check. You need to talk into the microphone. You mean our podcast, too, had a girl FM on Transistor and Instagram and Twitter? Yeah, yeah. Yeah, go check it out. We did a D and D episode and I loved it and it was Former editor of Do By Friday, Quinn Rose. It's about Dimension Twenty and it's really nerdy, so go check it out.

Also, I think your thing stopped Recording so none of this matters. No fuck me. How long ago did that happen? Uh oh no it it um rec No, it's fine. It thought it w um uh uh it wanted to use your airpods. What happens if I finish this drink? As we took our drink break, what did you ask me, Kara? Please, please. Ask me uh uh ask me again, all right? Do we ever have to pause for ad reads? Kara, normally Merlin and I have a challenge every week. But it's more of uh like a a MacGuffin or a red herring, depending on how you want to use McGuffin and red herring and how you define them. to talk about whatever. And uh the challenge this week was b basically to express Your Catholic guilt because as you mentioned, you and I went to bleep high school together, and I have a lot of Catholic guilt all stored up.

Um yeah. Same. Do you uh do you want to confess your sins? Uh oh, I don't know, dude. I didn't Come prepared even though you kinda told me what we'd be talking about. You wanted to have a whole podcast based around this and you can't even name one thing? I've got a fucking document. Oh boy. D really, do you still h uh harbor Catholic guilt? Because both of us also went to Catholic school when uh we were like in in grade school all the way through to senior year of high school. K through. Senior year of high school. K through twelve. Although I did go to public school for kindergarten in half of first grade. Why? Uh because the local Catholic school was full when we when we moved. I signed up too late, so I got put on a waiting list.

I still remember the kid who moved, his name was Luke, and I replaced Luke. Oh man, if if l if it weren't for Luke, we might not be right here. Yeah. I would still be in public school. Where I don't know if I can Safest on the show. Go go go on. We I would still be in public school with my Is there any when you want to cut something out, do you ever like Go like ah like yell loudly into the mic so it spikes and you can see where to cut it. Not I think we honestly could clap into the mic. No, uh I clap at the beginning to sync the tracks, but we don't really cut much out, honestly. Okay. We probably should have. I assume this episode is gonna be hacked to bits. Right? Yeah, sometimes like we we have our uh uh infamous Sure, that's the word I'll use to describe them, are infamous jazz breaks, but that's more an aesthetic.

What's a jazz break? Is it like just like an intermission? Yes, yes it is. Cute. Kara, are you going to uh share any of your Catholic guilt? Or did you peanut butter? Did you peanut butter? I don't know what that means. Yeah, you don't even know what that means. Peanut buttering is when you do not complete the challenge challenge. Almond buttering. Why? Where did peanut butter come from for that? It comes from that like card game that is called bullshit, but. You can't say bullshit when you're in grade school. So you'd be like Pelone. Oh well that I didn't I played it with baloney. Uh that's Way better than peanut butter. Yeah, th listen. Ma Max brought it and then I uh was like, oh yes, mostly because I like peanut butter and one day I hope that we Uh I I think it's like one of the three things you eat.

The yes. Exactly. We literally have chocolate-covered peanuts on the table right now. I uh uh but but also I think you more almond buttered, and that's when you Uh y you haven't really completed the challenge, but but you're almost there. Because you're not sure. I'm not a member of this show to uh why was why would I be obligated to complete a challenge? I because I asked you the c I forgot this is a challenge show. I thought we were just gonna have a conversation with that I would be able to come up with things on the fly. Uh well what would we have a conversation about? I don't know, dude. What is what is Catholic guilt and how is it different than regular guilt? Because I have a lot of regular guilt, I don't know how m how related to Catholicism it is.

Wait, really? Okay Like is it is it just like s you've sinned? So you wanted us to have a podcast called Catholic Guild where we you don't even have any Catholic guilds? My Catholic guilt has been just ingrained in me since I since literally kindergarten. No, I'm a very like shameful person, don't get me wrong. Yes. And that's a good thing. Yes, exactly. But I don't know if I wouldn't have been that way if I weren't raised Catholic. I think that you would uh have a lot less trauma when it comes to like internalized shame because I definitely uh would I uh should well I'll I'll start with number one on the things I am guilty about, which is all the queer stuff. And that could be an entire list list on its it uh uh own.

Like it I mean You feel bad about the queer stuff? I feel I still have internal guilt about you do not have pride. No. This is well this is like a genuine bit on the show that we we've talked about where I'm When you have uh like over 12 years of people telling you it's a sin to be who you are, then it It kind of gets lodged in your brain. And then especially if you want to change your body as one uh might want to, and you've been told for twelve years that your body is a temple for God. But I never believed that stuff when I was a kid. Well, you were smarter than me and you skipped kindergarten in first grade. That's where it was. They Yeah, they ingrained anti religion into me in kindergarten.

So did you in public school. Did you not like uh I uh did you have like s I mean it wasn't I don't know, like I Uh Catholic school's weird because it's not like a private Christian school. Like we had science and like we were taught evolution and all of that stuff. I yeah, I honestly didn't mind. the curriculum and the experience and No high school was pretty good uh pretty good. Like we had to a pretty good place. Yeah. We had woke The religion department was the wokest of them all. Yeah. We unironically uh w had uh classes in social justice, and uh that was very much a part of our school's St. Francis, he was the the service dude, right? Saint Saint Saint B. The saint of s of uh of animals, maybe.

Uh I'm sure I've mentioned it on the show before. Uh but In grade school, it was oh, it owes I I don't know. Grade school for me was rough, not not even like because of the typical bullying, but just because You're constantly like just pummeled with all of the things that you should feel bad for Did your school really emphasize hell? Yes. I was in my elementary school. We didn't talk about that too much. I'm not like one of those kids that remembers like worrying about burning in hell all the time. So you're a Jew. Unfortunately no. It's true. Jewish people are cool. They are. There's so much like If you think about doctrine and stuff, like uh Judaism makes the most sense out of uh like I haven't looked too far into it, but I trust you.

Did you have a I mean you had a first communion, uh, but did you have a first confession? Yeah. How how'd that go? That is the weirdest concept I think to look back on is confession. Yes, it is. Um Yeah, I imagine those could go really giving you trauma type level stuff. Oh yeah. Mm-hmm. I uh my I w mine was just like the the sins I confessed were normal kids stuff. Like I don't listen to my mom and dad. And I don't I'm not like putting God first in my life, which is like bullshit like that that you have to come up with in your head. Like The waiting to go next was so nerve wracking. I had like a fucking script going into it because were you like confessing like Like gay stuff? No, not when I was w when I was that like it was second grade, so Ooh, how much time has it been since your last confession?

Sorry if this Because that's what you have to say when you go in there. Bless me forever I for I have sinned. It has been however much time since my last confession. Probably Ten years and even that was I think I might have done one in college. Oh yeah, no, it was college. I I was dabbling in college for a little bit. I did confess some of the gayness when I was a senior in high school at a uh retreat that was for like uh it was for it was uh peacemakers. I I remember a couple that we went on together that were really memorable experiences. Oh yes. Though God When people I liked retreats. They were good. They were tr trauma bond situations most. I had a great time. It it like introduced meditation to me.

And I didn't realize that was what it was, but it's like close your eyes and picture like you're in a beautiful field and Jesus walks up to you and you he hugs you and he says, like, I love you. And I don't know, it was it's and like pretty music's playing and it was just a really nice, chill thing. I've never felt more like religious than I do on a retreat. Mm or than I did. It w it was really God is awesome. Yeah, because it emotionally hijacks you, plays you a lot of music. Well, I still think out of the- young adults are all like passionately telling you how much God loves you. No, I just liked it when they put on the pretty music and i especially adoration of the Eucharist, which is basically mindfulness.

Like Yeah. So much of this religion stuff like really works for people because Yeah. I Yeah. I Mer I mean, Merlin and I do actually talk about how uh how much like our our childhoods were influenced by the the church in just in terms of just like that community building aspect. Because he lost his dad at a really young age, and it was like the church that really stepped in to help him and his mom. And We don't uh kids do say, but really we don't uh like I I mean I don't know. I don't know. There's nothing There's nothing like that. And I'm like a total hypocrite because I think I would want my kids to go to Catholic school. I don't I don't know. This is a fraught I don't know. Yeah. Most yeah, exactly.

Yeah. And it just, you know, also has some religion in there. Yeah. And uh oh god, I feel well, I think uh I I feel like um, you know, Saint Bernard is uh looking down upon us. from his uh Capitol Hill and like, hmm, you don't believe in this I came. I can't see my Bernie vo I can't That was the worst Bernie Wait, what's something for him to say? Bernie tomorrow. Everyone in Chicago, please. Yeah. Well you've got a you can't disappoint your fans. You've got a live tweet opening day. Yeah, Cubs opening day tomorrow. Oh very, very excited. Yeah, it's it's gonna be uh Oh my god, have we been recording for an hour? No, we've been recording for half an hour. Okay, good. Good Lord. Uh oh good Lord.

Oh, that's also on my list. All the times that I see it. We take the name in vain. Yeah. Um that's Jesus Christ is so like Satisfying to say. That's one of my favorite surs. Yeah. I don't see what's disrespectful. It's because No, that's the thing. Oh my God is like it's I've die sometimes, sometimes still in the back of my head, just like as I have on my list here, um typing exbus. I feel a little bit guilty. What's that? Like Chr Christmas, but with an X. Yeah, yeah. Because it's like, yeah, fuck you Christ. Get out. I'm not even gonna do it. He's gonna do a big satanic X. Yeah, it's satanic Oh God. The war on Christmas was oh what a classic. See every year. You know, not not having Trump in the office means less than a We can't say Merry Christmas anymore.

No one's no one's putting um Okay, I thought it I thought it was like an urban myth that people told uh uh Starbucks baristas that their name was Jesus Christmas or yeah. Yeah. So they'd have to write it on the cops Yeah, and but then I I well w one I saw it happen at a Starbucks multiple times. Uh Jesus, not Merry Christmas. Um but then I saw someone say that their name was Santa and it was but and and this keep the Santa and Christmas Starbucks And and and like it was one of those really small Starbucks. It it was the one by the Apple store in in Chicago. Oh yeah. And uh Like he was like, okay. And this was definitely the most like irate of all the people who are like, my name's Merry Christmas.

My name's Jesus Christ, born on high, meh meh meh meh. And it was so weird and th Santa Santa. Draw a little picture of me in my sleigh on the cup too. Everyone's favorite Christian figure. I mean Saint Nicholas, so I guess. Yeah. Uh okay, I've I've confessed that I feel guilty about taking the Lord's name in vain. All of the gay stuff. Uh uh did mmm You've had relations, I assume. I I'm not saying that. I'm not confirming or denying on the in on your your show available for downloading to the whole public. Well we well how about we talk about it on on the Patreon? Uh give us your fucking video. Find out if I've had sex or not. Go to w dot patreon. com s uh I assume slash do by frightening to find out if Cafe can have injured This is the free version, so you don't get to know Oh, I also um Oh, not capitalizing God.

Um drinking when I was uh not of age. Although I have a note here that I don't necessarily think weed itself is a sin because there's no proof that it damages your body. So like if your body is a temple, then I was gonna ask how is underage drinking a sin? Uh Uh because you're because you're treating your well, y you're not treating your body uh like it's a temple because you're drinking too much and I'm doing that right now. Well and And you are um uh notor uh uh honoring thy mother and thy father. So Why? Yeah What's what's mom and dad got to do with drinking? With underage drinking, your parents wouldn't be mad if they could- Oh you're disobeying. Yeah, right. Honor thy father and thy mother.

Yeah, I I I forget the vernacular. There's uh The Catholic Church changes it up a lot in terms of our weird prayers and stuff. Like now when I go to church, I'm like, oh, I don't know the Catholic channel. They changed the words and still every time I find myself at a wedding or funeral I d I can't I don't remember the words. They're not the same ones that were ingrained in me when I was seven. That's the thing, it's not even so much not remembering that it's changed, it's just the reflex of uh it like Peace be with you. Yeah. And also with you. And with your spirit. And with your spirit. Like, what the fuck does that mean? Like what are they? They made it more hippie. They changed the pronouns in the in the um apostles' creed, right?

We're not we're not that woke yet. Uh oh I love Pope Francis. Pope Francis He's pretty woke. Uh and Pope Francis is in the hospital. Did you see that? Pull through buddy, I did. Oh boy. Oh boy. I hope he can get well soon so we can put on that AI coat for real. Oh so you thought the AI uh pope was liberated. For like five minutes and then I f found someone saying it was AI generated and I'm like, yeah, of course. Why why would this too good to be true? Well, I mean, because The Pope wears weird ass shit and the Vatican is a weird place with weird. The Pope has drip Catholic Catholic aesthetic is so cool. So badass. The Goths appropriate it. It's weird to z that's the one so cool. I mean I know it's dark but but zoomers are super into it now.

It's very Yeah, I have like a a mesh top with like Renaissance angels all over it. Like it's it's in fashion. So weird. I don't know. And uh well and I'm like the that's the thing. You're not Catholic if you can look at that and not feel deeply uncomfortable. Oh when I'm bored at church, those are so like nice to look at. They really are. See now I The church of my childhood was no stained glass, very, very plain building. So that was a huge bummer. Th when they redid uh my uh childhood church, they tried to make it a bit more like presbyter. I can tell I've been to that church. Yeah. And and you could tell it's like, oh, we're we're like hip. And the but the old the old church is still standing and they use it as like an auditorium and it fucking slaps.

Like the g the the the pews are awesome They are you know horrendous. No, they're they're they're terrible. Like I'm sure that those kneelers they rarely are not a torturous exp experience. Yeah. I I I know that oh god, that's also on my list. Horizon uh horizontal praying, which sounds dirty now that I'm saying It sure does no praying in bed. That's that was like You in in grade school you were never told like it doesn't count if you're horizontal prey. What? Yeah, you gotta kneel by the way. Oh my god. Yeah. You that this is making a lot of sense that you're uh less fucked up. They yeah. They just well I just really emphasize like God loves you and you should love God too, so you go to heaven and that was the main my main takeaway as a Small child, I think you had a more scary Catholic education when you had when you went through K through eight at your school.

Uh should have gone to my school. It was really close to that. Oh yeah. So not about him smiting us or anything. No, it wasn't about it it wasn't so much about God. Well it was that's the thing. It was it was God loves you so much. How dare you do this to him to like how dare you let the devil do this to you? Like how you know what I mean? Like It it wasn't uh it it always was God is love. So you if you don't love God, then clearly you're going to at the very least be in limbo. Like that was that was very much I also wasn't too scared of like death when I was young. I just kinda assumed I was just gonna live forever and I still try to live under that delusion because everything else is too scary.

Um, so I wasn't worried about hell. What is one thing you're guilty about? J just one. You never had something you were guilty about? Oh my god, all the time. We I've said I I'm I feel very shameful, very guilty. Yeah, but you haven't. I don't know how Catholic it is. I don't know how much it has to do with sin. I don't know. Just mean things I've said and done haunt me forever. Confess. Confess. Confess. Uh oh god. Confess. There are yeah, there are so many snapshot moments ingrained in my mind forever of like when I was when I was cruel and I can't forget about it. Go on, go on. Go on. One of one of them, a really bad one, is I have a sister who's ten years younger than me. And my parents and her went to go drop me off at college, uh, my freshman year, and we were unloading all the stuff into my room and she was there and she was helping and she put um all like my soaps and toiletries in the bathroom but just like put them all around the sink, taking up the entire counter and and was like, yeah I put these away for you.

And I like I was like, no, you gotta put those in the in the cupboard. So I like yelled at her. I was so stressed out from like, oh my God, I'm in college now. There was like Erin, what did you why did you do that? I said her name. Um, and she I still remember her face. She was so I hurt her feelings so much. She was like, because she was we were like best buddies, and I was leaving her to go to college, and she was already like not feeling good and that just broke her and she started crying. You fucking monster. Oh god. Things like that they don't they don't leave your brain when it's especially when it's someone you care about. That's like Yeah, that's the all the system talking. Just being a a bitchy sister and or like a my early teens when I was just a bitchy friend and Wade, I was there during your early teens.

What bitchiness did you do? No. No, I pulled I got nervous because I genuinely don't have an answer ready for this and I don't want there to be a lull on the pod. Oh editing. No, I've lost my rhythm and now I'm shutting down. I think we need to do an after show. Don't don't lose it yet. Well, our entire friendship is mostly guilt for for me and uh How detailed are we getting on this show? How detailed are getting has been shared? How much will we share? I don't want to make it we've never been in a relationship. I since I I feel what I feel like I'm I'm I'm hinting at there being a secret pass. Oh ew, no So I just oh fuck ooh. I'm not gay, guys. I hear it. Oh God Well, we've we've talked about this.

When you and I go shopping together it's a good thing. Oh, I know we read as a gay couple. Yeah, and I hate it. I hate it so much. Like it oh God, it's It might as well be incest. It's a good thing. It's so oh god oh I hate it. I hate it. See, now I want the show to end because it oh god. No, just our whole relationship is guilt because I was such a bad friend to you when I was unmedicated and bipolar and well unmedicated and undiagnosed and I was a monster to to the well I mean It did suck. But yeah, it wasn't fun. Well, that's part of Catholic guilt is uh not Yeah, having shame about things that that you could not control and that situation I largely could not control. So it's you know I forgive you.

Oh What do you think about forgiveness? Oh fuck, we're going to go for into the forgiveness? Oh. That's a whole can of words. That's a well I Uh honestly, this is also something Merle and I talk about. Uh I don't like I like I don't use the word evil lightly. I don't think there are many evil people. I think people do many evil, like horribly evil things, but I I don't I don't know. And I am much more in the forgiveness camp to most people. Like I've basically been canceled for believing in forgiveness. More than I supposedly should. So yeah. Why? What about let's let's transition. What about you, Kara? Mmm. Mmm. You forgave me for so much of our childhood and the trauma inflicted upon you. Well, there was, you know, a couple years of me needing space from you and the things that that Th that reminded me about that part of my life.

And you know, we were we were best buddies and that wasn't gonna go away. You're really making it sound like we're gay. Like you're what Kara is saying, they'll be like uh sort of lost touch during college for like a year because I was gonna say that would have probably happened either way. Like, even if I didn't cause you That's okay. I forgot you. You diverted like you oh you just steered the forgiveness shit away and you're the one who asked and uh I I uh believe quite deeply in forgiveness. And I mean, I don't know the root of uh uh like Catholicism, it's it's not repenting like unlike a lot of sort of Protestant religions like repentance isn't a big part of uh Catholicism because there is confession.

And uh the idea being once you're uh we've also talked in uh talked about, you know, um just Oh god, fuck, what are they Oh sorry, wow, it escaped my uh brain. Which you know, you could buy indulgences back in the day, you know? If you wanted to do a little hanky panky uh with it with another man, you know that's cool. You can just pay and yeah. Undone. Oh, I wish you could still do that. Pay to unhave gay sex. Again, uh give us your fucking money dot com and No one can prove I there's no children in my relationship. There's no uh and legally legally I am married to a man So there straight yes ish Oh goodness Uh you're uh here's the problem with this episode. You are coming off way too normal and far, far less uh shameful and anxious than you are.

Yeah, yeah, exactly. Yeah, you're all wrong. I'm trying to turn on the the funny chill persona. Yeah, I don't like it. The ice jingling rat. Mm-hmm. Cocks on the rocks. Mm-mm. Cocks on the rocks. Does the do the cocks' cocks Know about special drink. Yeah. They can make it at home. Cheetah. Yes. Hey everybody. I hope right now you're enjoying Remember that uh remember that theoretical A sponsor break that Kara thought that we might. Tito's vodka. Tito's vodka. You are deliri- Literally the best vodka in the world. Tito's Pay us. I mean I us. What is that wait, what is there's being a few years. I assume I'm getting paid for my time. I mean uh that's ooh that's true. Having paying podcast guests is like the big ethical shabbang uh in m in like podcasting world at the moment.

And uh we've never paid to have a guest, but I have provided food and more importantly liquor. He paid me and Tito's vodka. And Jewel Osco brand peanuts. Oh yeah. And leftover McDonald's fries. You actually ate All of them. I was like I was setting up a track and I'm like Jesus Christ. Oh see it did it again! Oh fuck Oh, I don't I don't like this. All right, Kara, uh normally we don't have like an outro to the show We just ring a bell. Or rather Merlin says something the something funny. He rings a bell. I'm sorry, I can't do that. Yeah Well, but if if people want to find you on the internet, like you have a job, so you don't have anything uh to shill really, but where do you want people to find you?

I wish I did have something to shill. Um Stew well tell people where they can find you on the internet. Um I'm mostly just on Twitter at Kara Fagan, K-A-R-A-F-A-G-A-N. Every other letter is an A and I only realized that a couple years ago. That's fun. Uh what how is your name displayed when you go to an airport, Kara? So I fly a standby and my name is always on that the the video board and the gate and it shows the standby passengers' names by um the first letter of their name. dot the first three letters of their last name. And what's your last name, Kara? Fagan. F-A-G-A-N. So could you pronounce what is on the board when You uh are at the airport and you see your name. Um do I get a pass from the community?

Uh you get a pass from the community. Thank you. It is part of my name. Uh it says K Fag. Use it Fag! Use it Fag! Use it back! You gave me a pass! You can't take it back! No take back! No take back! Use it back! Edit that part to be on the paid pu the paid portion. They get the faggot for free. No, I'm gonna get fired and canceled. raw transcript