326. With Respect, Col. Yarmulke

Hello. Hello. Why are you so upset that I open a can of in this case an 8. 4 flowing ounce of red bull sugar free before an episode. I thought you were c home. I'm sorry. This is Due by Friday, a weekly challenge podcast with Alex Talks and Merlin Mann. This week's challenge, watch the season premiere of Survivor. Uh my my my son's friend. Ava. I have a very a vital secret message because lives may hang in the balance. And this is the only safe channel that I can use for the Oh no. Okay. And uh I can't I can't I can't say who told me this, but uh I heard it was okay for me to say hello to you on the program. That's the message. Oh, okay. I cannot say anything more about it. Alright. I w I will I I'm not gonna repeat it.

Oh no, that's it. Good night everybody. Oh that's it. Actually that was my nice tea timer. Hey, Google stop Oh, that was such a good bit. Um hi Ava. Uh hi hi. Do you want to say hi to Ava? I didn't ask if it's okay for you to say hi. But I think you can they could is this is this piggybacking? Oh that's true. I don't know if I'm I Are we piggybacking? Is that what that's called like two of us go into the same trough? Is that what we're doing? I uh see but I didn't get permission to say hi. Fucking said it has to I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I I because Supermindry gonna send you something. Anyway, uh why am I so mad at you, Cans? Uh Secret Ava might save the world. Uh consent. Consent decree.

Apollo Creed. Creed three. Uh I would appreciate it. You're not dragging her name through the mud. I don't know of these references. Oh You were well you were gone, Slice Alone was here. I don't you know what don't tell me. I'm gonna find it. Especially a stallone tangent. I'm gonna find them. I'll f I'm I'm gonna find I'm gonna find the rest of the game. I can't tell you who told me to tell you this. That's called the Stallone Tangent. From an episode of the Flop House, which is also a podcast. I can't tell you why. This is very Dan Brown. Don't look it up. This is very Dan Brown. I'm throughout this program. Hey, could we can we give give Ava throughout this? Oh see now it feels creepy. Oh it feels so creepy.

You know what's you know what's great? For reasons I can't really get into now more than ever, it's a trans person talking to a child for the invitation of another trans child. I think I think I think my son is a groomer. Alex, that might be the whole episode. I that's all that's all. Okay, I've I gotta listen back because I'm goofy. I'm goofy I overslept him out of it. But that felt really fucking funny to me. Well, I just w I hope that I have the consent to do this, but I just want to hang on the whole party. Soft paws, like a cat. Soft. Wait, no, is this the show? Oh okay, never mind. It could be the show. Soft paws. That's funny. Okay, Ava, Ava, you should never have been here. No. And Billy, I'm gonna report you.

Uh to to uh Fox News. No, no, uh uh directly to Governor Abbott. Just fly down there. I mean, Oh that's so interesting. So do you think do you think maybe um maybe Ron DeSantis And uh and and Greg Gabbot could have like a little little slap fight over where we have the Billy Ship to. The thinking uh I want it I want it I just I just watched that Oscar Isaac's movie The survivors of the Holocaust would not call it this, but I just watched that movie about the nineteen sixty Mossad mission mission that got Eichmann. out of do you know about this you know about this historical event, right? I think somebody identifies that that the person I mean I I don't want to trade in cliches here. But the the the person who is generally described in the English language as the architect of the final solution.

Oh yeah They found out he was they got a tip that he was still alive. What? And and like so many of so many of the greats was living in Argentina. Oh, oh, oh g I I didn't know it was the okay, plea no, please go on, please go on. 'Cause like you know it's weird. So like y even when I was a kid you would hear about the odd like Adolf Hess. Like who was the one guy that was in a prison by himself? Uh that was always a big thing. I don't remember. We we just know that the the the buttons. But I mean like like um so many of them did d definitely die. So many of them got captured, maybe even went to trial. In the case of like Goebbels, like he got a sympathetic guard to let him take his own life, basically.

Before he could be. Anyway, I mean why am I going to cares? 1960. I care. I mean a lot of People. But they got so here's what they gotta do. This is and I I guess this is it's obviously based on a a real event. I'm not gonna t use this to s just I'm that's the rough historical shape of something that happened. The specifics I can't say, but They sent him Mossad and L well whatever the other one is. The um Bet said Bethsheba, I think that's not it. The big police uh agency named after David's bride, I memory serves. But uh no who was with Bashima, was that David? Ah, what was Ruth's deal? She started uh successful high-end chain called uh Chris Steakhouse. And you say, well why is it called Ruth's Chris Steakhouse?

And I the Bible said it, I believe it, that settles it. Yeah, exactly. So anyway, it's about the Holocaust. Yes. And uh and I'm just gonna tell you the way it goes in the movie. I I'm I'm I'm done with this. Um no, I'm no no I'm not not nearly done with this. I'm I'm done with apologizing for using language. Okay For now. Anyways, you got it's the Holocaust. Uh uh yes. And and so, and so basically they get tipped off In this movie, this beautiful woman, she looks like a young like a young uh Jennifer Connolly. Um and she meets this boy, and the boy's name is like uh what was it? Uh like I don't know. Like his name I think his name's like Nazi Eichmann or Tyler Eichmann. Tyler Eichmann. Whatever.

It's something like that. Anyway, and she's like, Huh, that's funny. So what we find out that his father is Adolf Eichmann. They realize Hong Kut forward, way forward, way forward. They're they realize there's the only way to do this is to get him out. There's almost no way to get him out of the country, back to Israel to stand trial. And everybody on the team's like, oh yeah, you know, I got a solution. You want to hear it? And they're like, listen, Moisha, we've already heard shoot him. We've all Moisha, we have all we have heard shoot him on site So many times that's not what the mission is. And they're like, oh, did I mention that I'm literally the only person in my family that's still alive?

And that was just because of an oversight on one soldier's Oopsie poopsie. He's like, listen, listen, I I um I uh I hear you um Steddel or whatever his name is Yeah. His name is Städl Holocaust. Cause you can tell he's from, you know But it became Austro Hungary. You know? Myth, a lot of that. It's all part of that same sort of, you know, Danube Blue or not. You know, Prague. So anyways, they're like, we've got to get them out of the country. So but this is going to involve a team of people going in Flying in different flights, getting there different ways, and they're gonna get there. I'm sorry, I don't know why it feels so important for me to tell you this. I just love this story. And they're gonna have to like figure out how to grab him and get him on a flight And again, hands go up with respect.

With respect. Excuse me, sirs. Yes. Yeah. Um With respect, Colonel Yamaka, if I could just once again suggest that we kill and just I'm I'm just I want to be so I want to be super clear about this. I know it can be confusing with names and over time our memory fades. This is the guy who was the um the architect of the final solution. And like listen, there's two things you need to know about this. Number one, oh this guy was definitely the architect. Like there's a there's a reason it's like pretty easy to move up here. There's no one left. Okay. That we got that guy and we can't shoot him. So you just so we're all clear about that. Can't shoot him. Can't shoot him. Oh I think children are walking by.

That's what that noise is. Um so anyway, and so uh oh uh uh Shoshana from Inglorious Bastards is there. Um I love. Yeah, and she plays the doctor who's gonna give him this this um I guess a sedative, a hypnotic, but like give him the proper dose of this stuff to make it seem like he's drunk. And all of them are gonna pose as the crew of an L commercial flight, and they're gonna have to act like he's high uh drunk on Fournet. Hmm, oopsie poop it says. Hmm. I can't believe I've seen it. And that had something to do that had something to do with Ava, you know, and the agendas. One of the oh yeah, you know what it was? It was the f fighting about my kid for adjudication. And he's saying, look, I'll confess to this.

You got me. It's me, the literal architect of the literal final solution. I'm not actually You know, I I he he basically looks like if Fredo Corleone had lived another five years. Oh spoiler alert he didn't The thing about Fredo is that Fredo is smart, not like people say. In some ways I feel like he was kind of he's the oldest. And he was stepped over. Oh god. Oh my god. And so and so what Ben Kingsley as fr uh sa as uh Fre the Ghost of Fredo title. So Ben Kingsley's the ghost of Fredo, and he says All right, what am I gonna do? You're killing me with this questioning. What shall I do? He says, I will confess because that's how Adolf Geikman talks. And he says, I'm I'm I'll k I I I'll I'll go be tried, but like you're you're And he's really charismatic.

That's a big part of this. You see it on the screen, and also we know this historically. This guy could, you know, uh sell ice to to to uh somebody that has eyes. He was a solutioner. That's that's the way it did. Yes. See he's uh yes, and he his solutions tended to be At least in the plan final. Mm-hmm. Yes. So he says, all right, Smarty Pants. He says, you're you're you're saying I was a crimer. And you're saying I crimed in Germany, I'm a crimer, I crimed in in Poland or um, you know, where all these places. He goes, Okay, so why are you taking me to Israel? a country that didn't exist when these crimes supposedly happened. Which if you think about it would be pretty good. Gotcha, gotcha. Uh huh.

That's a pretty good corporate moment. Yeah, yeah. Mm-hmm. Um And so he's it's a lot like that with the way that my kid'll end up. You know, I just I saw I saw I saw a photo this morning that I liked a lot and it was a photo of a of a white cat uh flat on the floor with a sh with a shelf on its back holding books. And and and the caption for it said something like, Hey, you know, uh you could be uh be what you want to be in this world. You can be a bookshelf if you want. It's very funny. And my thought is, just because I know people like Ron DeSantis and Adolf Eichmann love this kind of irony, you could make my kid into part of a bookshelf at the new new college. Okay. And you could no, really, you could you could do it.

You could do the whole like, you know, remember Schindler's list, like what are we gonna use to pave this road? And they're like, oh, I got a good idea. Let's go over there. I got one. Well, I think that would be fun to walk on. Welcome to the Merlin Man. Um the Merlin Mann Memorial Merlin Mann Memorial Shelf at Governor DeSantis's new new college. Is that a smart assistant? No, I wouldn't say so. I don't know. I don't know, her dad wasn't very bright. You good? Alright. Got my break at three. Ron. What hey hey Billy, what are you? I'm a bookshelf. Why are you bookshelf? Cause I help I help groom. I help groom groom my friends. Or my dad's podcast co-host. What's the best state? Is it Texas or is it Florida?

Florida. Say say say it louder. Sing it. Not in a gay way. I'm not no, I know, I know. I said that way on purpose. That's basically this is why we paved the road this way. I'm sorry I have not slept a lot lately here. Call me crazy. The the climate of Buenos Aires does not agree with me, but I just feel I feel like I should one more time just raise my hand to say Should we shoot Eichmann on site? Or you know, and the thing is I feel like it's a word game here. We're we're we're stuck You know, uh I I mean you c you c you could you could slit his throat. You could use him as pavement, you could turn him into uh, you know, a very lovely memorial bookshelf Do we have to just hold him for 10 days while we wait to die because the LL plane won't come?

That's the third act. You know, I follow all the commandments regardless of whether they are in order. Which character is this? Like I should know? I I from an earlier reference I think my name might be Moisha Shtel. Or are you general rabbi? I do Genital rabbi. Who? Genital fuckby. Every rabbi is a little genital. I mean, the great David Wayne. General Jewy Jewish. No, I'm just doing other people's jokes. That never happens. How are you, Alex? You know what? I'm uh I'm not a bookshelf. Yet. When they came for the bookshelves, I said nothing Because I wasn't a bookshelf yet. Oh my god. It would it's kind of like it would be like I mean, I'm not saying that Ron DeSantis is like Paul Pot. I'm just want to be super clear from the outset.

I am not saying he's like one of the most craven um war criminals. He's too dumb to be that. He's too- But he's a lot like Pol Pai. You know, a every uh you know, every oak starts uh as a little acorn. You know, that's that's all I'm saying. Ron DeSantis is Popas Little Acorn And here's the thing, what Paul Pot did is like he started getting pretty broad at a certain point. He's like the Turkmenistan guy. Like he's doing a lot of big swings. So he's doing stuff like first he's like, oh, we gotta kill everybody uh who teaches at colleges. Literally. This is what Pol Pot did. And so they went ahead and they said, all right, we'll just go kill all everybody who's a who teaches at a college. You know Just it's like you know, it's like a roach.

You see one, you don't know how many there are. You know, let's go ahead and kill some students too. And Oh yeah, you know what? That's right, 'cause the professors taught them. That's that's good. And then he got to a point where he was like, also, men who wear glasses. That's the thing. That's the thing that happened. They executed people because they wore glasses. Yeah. Oh that was good. I like what you did. I see I see what you did there. Better or worse. Better or worse. I had a fairly good joke about that on Roderick on the line. It was something about I think writing a musical about an eye chart. And he he didn't laugh. I thought it was funny. It's called E can't go on another second. It's it's too perfect.

Why What are we gonna do? It's too perfect. I don't know. Come on in, guys. Come on come on in, yeah. Come on in. I you I didn't even drop your buffs. You're a bookshelf The game has really changed in season forty-four of Survivor. All right. We've just found out that uh everything this season is gonna involve the fetishes of our producers. It's gonna be all people covered in mud. Busted ass feet, and for some reason swimming. Because the game has changed in C no the game has changed. I love it. This week's challenge uh was to watch Survivor. Uh can I I just need to say something. I I must break the silence. I I I kinda like the the i the the idols. I kinda like the like knights. I kind of like the five.

Alex, I'm gonna score you a uh a podcast foul. Because you you stopped me doing a great introduction that was gonna eventually build up to only one thing I had to say really this week, which is I cannot tell you how much I love that there's Halberds. And armor. I love the fun. I want if I were if I were uh Donald Trump Jr. , I would want that as my room. Mr Mr. Trump Jr. , are you ready for your interview? I'll go ahead and grab a torch and uh dip it into the flame. Cause in Don Jr. Fire's life, life right then. This dad can't even be bothered to use his own reality show catchphrase. There there wasn't a lot of things. Fuck off. I'm so excited for that show to come back. Oh my god, we're so deep.

We're so uh you still I told y I I well I uh you wouldn't know. Uh Billy's watching it on his own account. The Oh no, I I saw that on on the I mean I don't do what time like you ever watch something on the wrong account and you get yelled at. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Or maybe you're the person. I'm the yeller. I know. I know. This is you know what it is? It's full can it's it's empty can not empty can person. Finish the can, not finish the can person. You are one of those. You're either the person who doesn't like in your case I think you said Matt is the one who leaves partial drinks around the house. Yes. Yes. And you hate it, right? Yes. And I I'm the one that does it around the house and my wife hates it.

Mm-hmm. Right? You're always one of those. You gotta be in that diad of the relationship. Yes. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. There can only be one. So go ahead, return to your fucking point. I agree. Oh my god. No. When he first does it and then he throws it into the ground like he's 11. I love that. He throws the knight, the sword, into the fan. His dimples are getting very deep. You know what? I I I I like Uh what is he, 60, 60 year old Jeff I was told by my by my bookshelf. According to my bookshelf, he's uh uh well over sixty Really? Oh man. Which of course then I and I just sit there for a minute and I just wait because it's just a matter of time, as I first learned with Robert Downey Jr. Oh, uh you're y way younger than him.

Mm-hmm. Yeah. He looks way better. We don't comment on appearances anymore. You know, I I Alan Ruck, don't you think Alan Ruck is so good as Connor? Wow, what? D do you know like he's in like his mid sixties? I mean, yeah, I mean if he was playing a little younger in f yeah, yeah. He looks so much better than you. I get I get I can I get I get nothing. I get I mean you know I mean Everybody in my mother's yearbook. Not like people say. No. You don't talk to a man like Mo Green like that. He was banging cocktail waitresses two at a time. So anyways, the Holocaust had been fifteen years beyond. Anyway, I watched all that Oscar Isaacs movie. Um what we we're talking about um Survivor. It's it's um Yeah and everybody's so much better looking.

Uh I don't want to find out how old Bob is. That would probably just break my heart. Oh, I've got to be able to do that. Looks like James Joyce. I love all of the biggest. Or Tantan. It's a little like Tantan also. I love that tan tan. Did you just call Yam Yam Tantan? Oh no. Sorry, was that racist? I I I just called him a Just mix them up with a Star Wars character. It's pronounced yum yum. Really? Oh I'm sorry, did I mispronounce your very weird name? It's not pr it's spelled jam jam, but it's pronounced yum yum My name is Alec Murdoch. My name is Adolf Eichmann. My name is Methuselah Fiddler on the Roof. Um anyway, two life to life survivor Survivor survivor to life We're not doing this episode credit it.

This episode was fucking outstanding for so many reasons. And and just like my my pitch about why you have to understand Grogu to understand Mandalorian. Um I I I feel like You it's you can have fun mechanics and wack-a-doo shit, but like I uh this this to me already feels like I don't want to go crazy, but kind of like like heroes versus villains. Where I'm like, oh my God, there's uh there's nobody here who's driving me crazy. Uh some some of it is nice to have one, like a Phillip, obviously, but I kind of love almost every single one of these people. Franny! I want to be friends with Franny so much. I think there could be a showmance go uh going on with with Franny and oh fuck, what's his what's the little guy?

Oh the well uh gosh, there's there's so many like little gay Christians. on on this one. There's so many. There's like like there was okay, so there's there's the guy, he's like, oh my anxiety's going through the roof. I didn't the one thing I didn't want to do. Oh I love that guy, the software guy, the um Asian fella. And then there's um the oh oh oh oh the um the the guy who solved the puzzle with uh the the really smart girl. The NASA, there's the NASA guy, I love him. He yeah, he he put on 30 fucking. Oh my god, wasn't he adorable? Holy shit. This guy's gonna be. As you know, I've had shits bigger than that. I I don't I I love even the dingle like like they're kind of set up. Oh the drunk counselor it was the mud mustache at one point.

Oh my god, how do you at first like I I I knew what was gonna happen. I already watched I've watched this episode three. Really? Oh this needs to go on the list. Oh Alex, write this down. Things that need a name. Um And this needs a name. Um, when I watch it once by myself, a second time with another member of the family, and a third time with all three of us. Oh. I I think I'm gonna call it batting the cycle. I don't know what that means in baseball, but I'm gonna call it I'm gonna say I for this episode of Survivor, I battled the cycle. Battled? No, I fought the law on the law one. I fought the law on the law cold one. I battled demons. I've been undressed by kings. I've seen some things. And uh don't know what this is uh okay.

Alex Alex, just be glad you're here. They're gonna be studying this I it didn't this episode's gonna this is gonna be the this is gonna be the kind of thing my kid won't get to take. Uh yeah, Stephen Fishbeck 'cause I'm the kid. Uh he and Cochrane do a like a a breakdown it's called Survivor Know It All. I love that. Well Cochrane. There's another one. Oh Cochrane. But it's not that people are over the top. I liked watching how the people interact with each other. You know what I mean? Like on all all pretty much all of them. I and I felt like it was really starting to click the uh sh certainly this is editing, but like when the fire of guy is turns out to be like nice. And he's like, you know, I thought there would be somebody here that I could hate, but I really like everybody here.

Hi, I'm a fireman from the Bronx. And it's like, oh, they're so cute. The firemen always do good. They don't make it to the end, but uh uh but they they stick around. And also, I mean like oh gosh, there's a there's a there's so other elephants in the room. Yes, the theme with the least fanfare conceivable. I mean they love branding seasons. And yet there's absolutely zero fanfare for the fact that there is a very clear medieval knights and dragons and castles theme going on that is completely not integrated into anything else so far. Oh yeah. Well no, Tribal Council looks like it was designed by Andrew Tate. Like it just walked in and I'm like, is this a castle? What's happening? Okay, like look here.

If you showed me a tw 20 second clip from this week's Final Council and said what is what season is that? What's that called? I would say Survivor Colon Dungeons. Yep, yep, yep, yep. Honestly, like I'm not No, I know. Like if anybody saw that, you go, Whoa, what's the theme? And they're like, huh. They're like First of all, number one, the weird thing, there isn't a theme. Oh really? Yes. And yet it is one of the most distinctive themes they've ever dreamed up, as well as being boner juice for me. Like You fucking kidding me? Like girls with good teeth sitting around armor? That's an American boy's dream. I I think it's an intentional uh I I think they're intentionally burying the lead because Pretty much everything we saw in the teaser happened in the first episode, which is a good sign, typically.

Like b b bad for movies. Good for for shows if it's like Well they well they feel like they got an edit out of this that's sufficient without ha excuse me. Oh almost swallowed some of the juice. I um I think that's a good sign because it's like m you know when you see uh something I've said before about like I love jokes about butts and farts and like god the SNL bit about like uh uh gr gr grandma's grandma's new boyfriend having her set up at funeral at the funeral and animated and smoking a cigarette. I think stuff like that is extremely funny. I got a pretty dark sense of humor, but I don't say. We just laughed about What was the first half of the first? Is this the reason I was castled? Is it all over for me now?

God I don't know how I'll break the news to my son, the bookshelf and my frow. You know, it's funny because I don't think zero mu no, what what what's the guy's name? The shtle is a city. What's the city called? Is it called a uh Uh uh Potemkin Village, what's it called? What's the c you know the city? It's um I I I uh no unlike your bookshelf, I am not up to date on my World War II stuff, even though my first Do you think Feather on the Roof took place in World War II? No, no, no, no. I'm saying that it's a few years. No, no, no. 1987 Wait, you say Fiddler on the roof happened? Yes. I went to the danger zone. That's like the people who are like, did you know did you know that Lamius was in the French Revolution?

No, yes, I know, it's not I think actually what I'm doing is anti-Semitic rather than I should have just said yes, I I'm mistaken. Loisha, I have a strategy that can might bring you back to the public square Oh mois! Contrition! You must be contrite. Always with the fiddling. I love that. Did you grow up with fiddler? Was that big in your house? I was big in my house. That was actually the first play I ev I I barely remember it, but that was the first Broadway show I ever saw live and I don't know why I've messed a side of that. It wasn't. Well no no that was I mean that was like I don't know, I'm not gonna this oh boy, why would I even think something like this, let alone say it? It's in some ways it represents at, let's say, a period during which It it it w it wasn't that Broadway was dying, certainly.

It it wasn't that Broadway was going away. It was that like The whole idea of uh musical theater had already it was definitely the end of the classic period And there's so much great stuff. I mean, and not just the dumb stuff you see as a kid, but you know, but it's something like Funny Face, American in Paris, um, I mean, you know, but like You know, because then right around the corner you got hair and Jesus Christ Superstar and God Spell and Pippin and all that shit, right? It's just that like that was one of the last banger. Everybody loved it and can agree that it was important and beautiful. Well, not everyone loved people. So let's see, so spell spill our single cow's milk. There's some people who don't like the new music.

Do that again. No, no, no. There are also some people who don't like the new Ben uh Ben Platt play, which uh it's you know you know. What the hell are you talking about? Uh there's there's some Julie McJre sins in uh that that uh Broadway show as well. So I I um I'm so confused 'cause I if you're trying to not offend anybody By not saying something, you're doing it in the worst conceivable way. I've given up. But what does it have to do with filling on the roof? Because it's because there was a similar response to uh both of those musicals. I I apologize. See, this is what happens when I am. Uh there oh wait. I I mean when I ask you a question, you have an opportunity to answer and go no Merlin.

I'm not losing my mind in real time. Here's what that has to do with fiddler on the list. Well No, just that a bunch of Nazis were both really upset about both both musicals. You know, there's a lot of bad faith in musical theater. I th I think we would agree. Yeah, I'm not sure. Uh Jerry Orbach. Jerry Orbach's eyes. Anyways, um do you know that bit? Do you know that bit, that John Mulaney bit? I'm sure if I thought it was a good one. Well, I'm gonna give you the connection. I just started I just sang a song called Song Try to Remember, which is from Fantastic. Which at the time was one of the longest running shows on Broadway of all time. I think Katz finally beat it, but uh and starred the great Jerry Orbach, who many of us know as Lenny Briscoe, On Law and Order, who's also Don't Put Baby in a Corner Guy.

And Jerry Orbach, uh, who, you know, on order for so many years, uh when he died, uh his like his whole body got donated to people. I guess. Or specifically, there's there are two people in New York City, I can't say Manhattan, but like who like there's who got Jerry Orbach's eyes? And John Mulaney claims to have seen a billboard one day that said something like, you know, something something like thanks to thanks to Jerry Orbach's eyes, two New Yorkers can see now or something. No, no, it's one of his old it's on one of his old records, yeah. Records. Jesus Records. Heard the new John Villada record? I don't know. I'm not a big fan. I don't like this in this jazz. What does she say in Tar? She says, uh, oh yeah, yeah, yeah, you're so you're so gay bones uh for uh Veras.

Veras Edgar, the guy, the Frank Zappa guy? Yeah, yeah, but did you know that he described jazz as being music by uh black people, marketed by Jewish people? Only he said it not as nice as that. Yeah Tarz a good movie. It's hard though. I mean, you know, it's like, is it okay to still like uh, you know, uh anything, including Fiddler on the Roof? And then Krusty's dad, the rabbi, would say, could you repose that as an ethical question? He says, Rabbi, is it right to buy a Chrysler? It was a very good car. Chrysler's a very reliable automobile. Many of you didn't realize till just this moment that that's the voice of Jackie Mason. Don't just use the word hole anymore. I have to be honest with you.

I got okay. I got the thick envelope from Florida. I'm in a lot of trouble in Florida, just so you know. Generally, if you get the thin envelope from Florida, it's the opposite of college. Title. Florida is the opposite of college. We're in college, you get the thick envelope and you're happy. That means it's not just saying thank you for your application, you're a piece of shit. The thick envelope, that's when they say give us some money, right? Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Yes. Anyway, I'm gonna do that. Like this joke, give us your fucking money. com. You're in a lot of trouble with Florida. My my the uh I really need to watch my step because a bookshelf may hang in the balance. It's like Adolf Eichman said in 1960.

Just tell me my family is okay. Oh my my my grandma called me yesterday and was like, Can you and Matt visit? And I was like For now, maybe. Although Oh, you mean oh so you you took you heard what your your sweet sweet gr Mima said. And you thought, like, are you still at large is what you heard. Are you still do you still have personal freedom of movement? I should probably stay near a phone She's like, well, well is it safe for for well she actually asked a good question of wa so can Matt keep his testosterone with him? And I'm like I think so, but he can't be with minors at the time, so we can't visit with our nieces. So I uh Ronnie's g if if Ronnie's nearby, uh We'll see. Grandma, don't worry.

If we can make it to the rock and roll what used to be the rock and roll McDonald's, we might be able to hang glide to Canada. I'm sorry, dear I'm sorry, dear, you're gonna what? Grandma Oh Grandma well have have you ever seen that movie about when the Nazis? You know, we moved to Argentina and then Oscar Isaacs and uh Nick Kroll. But wait a minute, Nick Kroll is in it. Yes. What? He's really good in it. Oh my god. Are you saying the guy the guy with the witch hat from uh what we do in the chat? Yes. Yes. Oh my god. Is that what it sounds like when you two talk? I think the bloody hat might be cursed. Chinese. Oh my goodness. But did I see again I interrupted you. You you got a software envelope.

I know. No, no, this is uh uh uh okay okay, well, uh elephant in the room, there's a new star. uh this season, or at least in this episode. Uh and that's a uh un uh his name might have been something like Ron. But whoever the medic from New Zealand is, he got a workout this week. I I I Dr. Joe is gone and I I I wanna know what happened to Dr. Joe. I I was like I heard this I was like mad this is really good. She said, Yeah, I can't wait to watch. She said, I heard there was a record number of injuries. And I said, oh. And I was like, wait a minute, is there buzz? Is there buzz about that? And she's like, well yeah, like I'm not I don't read the trades, but like I know enough to know that there was a record number of injuries last night on Survivor.

Yep. It it was just there was there was some f a little bit of false advertising there though because only only one person went home. And I mean yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. There was um I mean the one I the I always uh the one that always sticks with me is I always hate the things where somebody's blindfolded and somebody else has to like guide them or something. There's yelling and there's Fingers getting jammed and running in. You know what I'm talking about? Yeah, and then and then they add sound effects whenever someone runs into something and I just like it. Oh, but like do you remember the one where the woman Her eyes were covered with her buff and she got like nailed in the head, like something swung like on a rope.

Yeah, I do. Yeah, but she was really bad. The whole top of her half of her head was just covered in blood. Yeah. And and I know that like head injuries usually look worse than they are, but that looked oh. Anyways, um I I am excited for this season. I love the people. Uh once again, the one person who has ever been a regular host on this show. Like you do you remember names of things? Is that why you were originally on Top Scallops? I uh originally you were on Top Scallops. When you were an engineer, you would be so Max and I used this whole thing started as a podcast about Top Chef, which is a dumb idea. Like why would you have two busy-ish people do a Top Chef recap podcast? Like who who would what?

And I guess you got conscripted, probably cub probably grabbed out of the unisex bathroom and dragged into a room and said, You're gonna produce this show for Max. To to actually to be fair, I was like, Oh, you're produ you know what you don't have time to edit. I should I should probably produce that for you because I wanted to I wanted to be cause I knew that I knew that eventually he wouldn't be able to remember things and I knew he would ask me. And not at all because he wanted to hang out with me at all. I I d I m no comment. No c no comment. And so eventually it was kind of a bit. the the show was supposed to be and and it it started out as like I from the outset, I mean Max remembers everything better than me, but like I couldn't we couldn't remember the names.

Well we couldn't remember I'm saying on the show though. Like we couldn't remember the names of contestants. And really it was like it was like some kind of like early onset sadness. Uh because I don't want to say dementia, that's so mean. No, but then it became like, oh, I forgot like what what the challenge was. And then I don't remember anything that happened in the last twenty minutes. And you were finally like you just had to step in. At first you were trying to cue us gently. Yeah, I was like, it's guys, Rosotto, Risotto, it's the fucking in the risotto is a thing in top chef. Risotto and So he yeah, he made the three critical errors. He agreed to do front of house He made risotto, and that risotto was a dessert.

There we go All she does is scallops for Christ's sake come on. This is top chef is not top scallops raw transcript