303. Fishing for Coupons

AlexThis is Do By Friday, a weekly challenge podcast with Alex Cox and Merlin Mann. This week's challenge, try CBN.

MerlinIt's Do By Friday.

Alexit's do by friday well if folks are listening they know that already not that anyone listens i am great how are you oh that yeah if folks if folks are listening if if folks are listening to this they've just heard me say this is do by friday oh sorry podcast yeah do you listen to Which one are you?

I'm the one mad about everyone and everything getting food. I hate my delivery food drivers. Cut that, Quinn. Cut that, Quinn. That's fine.

MerlinTotally fine. Yeah, why would they put it behind the door where you could see it?

AlexSorry.

MerlinCould you feel my discomfort, Alex?

AlexOh, my God. I was like, I wonder. is, I just...

MerlinNo, please continue. We're not cutting that. Keep going. Dan had something he needed to talk about on our productivity show. Oh, that's true.

AlexThis is a productivity show. And quick story. Someone didn't deliver a food order correctly.

MerlinFive guys.

AlexFive guys and fries. a wonderful i know it wasn't it was uh fuck it was something else they don't know it was i know

Merlinthis it's uh uh yeah it's one of those texan places one of those hipster ones yeah yeah

Alexum but i just i enjoy when people bitch about a delivery going wrong because it's one of my favorite hobbies get it like make no mistake it's a lot of fun to do but i really like to uh sort of assess a person's mindset when they bitch about anything really um and for a long time on this show we've talked about how frustrating specifically fedex and uh ups and like the mix of that with

Merlingig economy stuff has fucked up deliveries well i mean it's i i let's let's i'm gonna say what i think is a true thing which is when you for me sometimes the way that i order something that needs to be delivered some things are more important than others and i think it's difficult i don't want to already show sympathy to these these monsters that deliver the wrong food but um But like some things are more important than others. Like in – like the joke – this is a true thing.

It's a true thing that one time – and I'm not bagging on Instacart, although I wish they'd stopped sending me photos of shelves. But like they didn't have number – I wanted two number four coffee filters boxes. And they replaced it with number – I mean they basically changed the multiplier so that there was a multiple of number twos. And it's like, well, it doesn't work that way. It isn't like, you know, two 12-packs equals a case. These are different sized things.

That's fine. You know, you don't know all the things. But a lot of it you can put on the apps. But sometimes one part of it is more important than another thing. Like how, I mean, this is, if there's anything that needs a name, on this show and in my life for probably at least four years, the thing that most needs a name is when I want to get a thing, but I haven't reached the minimum for delivery. And so maybe the top off. You got to do a top off.

AlexLike you have not reached the end of the supply at your house or you haven't like you can't order the minimum from Amazon?

MerlinNo, the thing that I'm trying to say is in all deliveries, there's sometimes one factor that's more important than any other factor. And nobody knows that usually but you.

AlexAnd no one puts in place something in place for other people to know that because it does not matter to the other people.

MerlinAnd there's not a way to like star one item and say, you know, think about how you are with food. And if they replaced the thing you thought you were getting with a thing that's not a kind of thing you eat, like that's a bummer. If there's stuff on a kid's burger or Alex's burger, really this applies to you.

AlexOn me, if there's anything touching my buttered noodles, I don't.

MerlinYeah, don't touch my noodles. But I mean, an example that comes to mind is when you're making something maybe for an event dinner, but you're just whatever. Like you're making a thing and you're missing one ingredient. You realize you're out of panko breadcrumbs or more significantly, let's say you're out of, say, fresh cilantro. And if you've left it ticked, I go through and I pick. I'm very specific in my replacements. So you really shouldn't have to send me a photo. But that's okay. But I'll say very specifically, you know, if we need cilantro for this, say, salsa that we're making, fresh cilantro cannot be replaced with dry parsley, which sounds like an odd thing to say.

But like when you're there and you're running around and you're trying to, you know, make rent and you're in a hurry and like that kind of thing happens. And then there's other kinds of things. Let's take another extreme example from the world of being an Apple person, which is like, you know, and let's just leave aside all the chicken problem stuff for a minute. But like, like if you ordered a thing to be delivered, whether it's an Apple device or, you know, something from Amazon or whatever, and you're going to be like in or out of town at a certain time, like that creates an inconvenience. And has there ever, in the whole wide world of sports, has there ever been a time when you've ordered something because it'll arrive tomorrow?

Maybe it's for a trip or maybe it's for a project or maybe it's for a whatever. And sometimes I'm on the horns of a dilemma. Do I want to walk or bike to, you know, a store that has this? Well, if I can have it delivered tomorrow, I'll do it. But then you get the mystery thing where, first of all, it's like 7 o'clock the night before, and it says it hasn't gotten on a truck or anything. And you're like, I'm not going to get this tomorrow. And then you get that weird, it'll show up in the next 48 hours probably. In each one of those instances, and I'm sure you all can come up with your own, there's one aspect of this delivery that's more important than the others.

And I think sometimes it's difficult for people to know that. And finally, you can also troubleshoot this on your end through the app by saying, oh, I ordered this thing and it says it'll be delivered by 10 o'clock tonight. I rarely need.

AlexWell, you're conflating two, I think, very different services because like, hold up, hold up. Maybe it's the CBN or CBC or whatever.

MerlinThat's the Canadian Broadcasting Network. Yeah.

AlexYeah, like the Amazon delivery system of it'll come between 5 and 10 p.m. tonight versus groceries or like take. Oh, but you know what? There's Amazon Fresh, isn't there?

MerlinI may be conflating that and I'd love to hear more about that. But what I'm saying is that, like, the black box for me is I ordered a thing. You told me it would be here at, you know, within this window. And you don't know, like, whether it's the window or the product or the whatever that's the most important part of it. They can't know that. And I think that makes it complicated. But like I say, so I may not order it if it's not going to arrive in time for a trip.

Right? Like, you know, I got my big checklist and one of the things on my checklist, because I'm weird, is the week before we travel anywhere, back when we used to travel, one of those things is make sure that we've got everything we need, supplies, whether that's like shaving cream or, you know, could be a cable or whatever. But if that arrives after we've gone, it's not nearly as useful. Like, I've got shaving cream in my house, but I don't have the cute little shaving cream, right? That's what I'm saying. And ditto with food. Now, the way you can do that on your end is it says, you know, there's a handful of ways you'll see something on Amazon where we'll say, it'll be there tonight.

It'll be there in a day. It'll be there in two days. Or then you get that mystery meat one that's usually like a marketplace thing of like, this usually ships in X days. And you're likely to receive this between September 8th and September 15th. Like, you know what you're getting into. And if you get one of those, you can go like, yeah, I'm not going to do that one. And in the case of food, well, you can say, well, only like you can say in any of the apps I use, you can sort by rating, distance, how fast it's likely to deliver.

And sometimes that effect, like if you have to go somewhere.

AlexIt's like designing a character in like Skyrim. It's very stressful to me.

MerlinIs that right? What's stress you out about that? Consequences? Implications? Implications?

AlexAmazon sometimes now wants you to group things together so that it'll come faster.

MerlinWell, yeah. I mean, if you were on your Amazon days, you want fewer shipments in one box? They might as well just all say, can we do this cheaper, please?

AlexYeah. And that's the thing. I'm like, how do I just make this the least stressful for everyone involved? I don't need this to come until September 18th or whatever. But you want to bring it by 5 p.m. today? I mean, like, who is that's fucking over somebody? Who is that fucking over? And it makes me deeply uncomfortable.

MerlinI'm not in a position to address that because I don't run Amazon. What I am in a position to say is, hey, it's your fucking app. It's your service. It's your supply chain. It's your all of those things. And don't think for a second that they aren't aware that that affects. certainly they could look at my behavioral data and know that all the things being equal i'll pick the thing usually that ships faster but like i'm i'm not even getting into the whole like labor issue or whatever we certainly could i mean we can complain about lots of things that won't change

and we'll keep using anyway but like that's a good virtue to signal but like i don't know about I for sure will.

AlexAmazon is different than like I did not finish listening to Dan Benjamin complain about the about the burgers behind the door. Yeah. The delivery driver who was clearly lying to him and clearly wanted to ruin his day. And he just wanted an apology from this gig economy worker who's making less than poverty wages.

MerlinWell, that's why I said what I said, Alex. Show me the lie. It either goes flawlessly or you have to move to another town and start over. There's no such thing as fixing an order on a meal delivery, not a meal, whatever, DoorDash, Caviar, Grubhub. There's no way to really fix any of those. And you learn that when you call the restaurant. They call the restaurant. You call the restaurant and they're like, we're not even on Grubhub. They just get orders on our behalf. Did you listen to that radio lab by any chance?

AlexYeah. Well, I saw that you had put a great Radiolab episode in the notes, which, what's it called? Gigalab? Yeah.

MerlinGigiverse.

AlexGigiverse. And it's all about the problematic, not just problematic, but the inefficient and broken ways.

MerlinI mean, let's not give you a better word for it. Unethical. Well, the unethical way of, in that case, trying to leverage a local pizza place into using their service. And they did that by charging less than that place charges as a kind of a loss leader so that they could go in with the data and go, hey, look, look at all these pizzas that got around. I won't spoil the story for you because it's a funny story.

AlexIt's so good. It's a very well it that episode of Radiolab reminded me a lot of my favorite daddy Nathan Fielder and the Nathan for you episode where he tries to take down Uber by organizing some of his cab driver friends. But then, oh, turns out the guy who owns the cab company realizes he can make more money driving for Uber. So they just scrap the whole idea.

And part of what makes it so hard to infiltrate the gig economy services from the delivery end of it is because if you want to be like a journalist or just a scumbag like me who wants to, like is just curious, if you try working for DoorDash or Grubhub or whatever and you fuck it up, then in the future when you try to sign up again,

there's like, you're totally like-

MerlinYou mean as a delivery person?

AlexAs a delivery person, you get the, like you're on the blacklist of no, no, no. We can't do not hire this person. And I've been told now there is a list. I don't I do not know if this is true, but it seems like it's something that if it isn't true, there's something probably just as bad. But let's say you are really like you're either a journalist or you're just trying out Jordache because you want to make some extra money and you're bad at it or you don't do the hours that they like.

MerlinYeah, you don't meet their – Their quotas or whatever. Yeah, right, right, right.

AlexAnd you end up on a list so that you – once you stop working for them, you can't sign up again. And that list is possibly shared with other apps that have like sweetheart deals. For example, Uber Eats and Postmates sometimes work together. So then you're really fucked.

MerlinThat sounds like collusion or –

Alexwhat's the word sounds pretty i don't know i mean uh evil but also legal well like like an

Merlinantitrust matter like i don't know you're allowed to do that yeah what that's crummy well uh i mean

Alexyou're you're not supposed to do a lot of things but i just yeah my kid says that all the time

Merlinsince my kid was very little something will happen on a tv show or movie going like that isn't that illegal i'm like yeah it's illegal but you know people still do that but uh i anyway all All I'm trying to say is I don't I don't have a way to personally I don't have a way or interest in like legislating all this stuff. If you do, that's fine. I'm happy to talk about it. All I'm trying to say is that like everybody's fucked up. Everybody's got problems. And yelling at the dasher is not a good strategy.

AlexIt's not just let's say your driver is a total like bitch, too, because there are assholes. even if they're an asshole or if they're the nicest person in the world sometimes they literally just the app especially Postmates just makes it impossible to fix your order because there are so many tiny pieces

Merlinin place. You gotta go and try and find the trap door that has you talk to somebody on the phone and they're usually pretty nice but they don't have much they can do apart from start the order over, like give you a credit or something but they're not it's not a problem dissimilar from education or medicine, where you don't have a project manager to help you with this stuff. I keep saying this over and over, but it's years of using these kinds of things. Even back in the day when you just order a pizza,

it's always been the same, which is it either goes flawlessly or it's a complete cock-up. Because if it is a cock-up, and it's owing to the fact that that restaurant was really busy tonight, well, you're better off to just go somewhere else or do something else. But like they're not going to like send you a written apology that Meemaw's birthday was ruined because her Big Mac didn't arrive. You know, it's like that's not how they're set up.

AlexHe just wants an apology. Just wants an apology. That's all he want is an apology. I actually like I am one of those people I did I use Postmates and Grubhub or and DoorDash you know all the great economy apps all the time and now when it gets fucked up which it does awesome I am just like and I go to the customer service thing and say I would just like a credit and not have anyone get in trouble.

And it seems that's the best way to get like $50 put back onto your account. And I'm like, oh, is this a hack I've found? I know that that doesn't make me a hacker by Syracuse's standards. But often the credit ends up being more than the actual order because I think everyone knows that it's bad and no one wants to be in trouble and no one wants to be sad.

MerlinBut it also highlights, though, how little, to use your word, how little, in some way, how little agency those gig economy services have in terms of stuff. What they have is you request something and they send somebody to take care of it. That is pretty much the – and then they have lawsuits they deal with. But apart from that, that's really all they've got. Like if they were being honest, they would get you on the phone and go, look, loser, do you want us to get you another burger from another place or the same place? Here's what I can do.

What I can do is exactly what we do, which is ask somebody to bring you a burger. Like what I can't do is change the world. That's not in my remit. But that's the bottom line. So then some of those poor customer service people have to get on there and like bow and scrape and say, oh, you know, I'm so sorry. And like, blah, blah, blah. This is not how we are. And, you know, but then the other problem becomes, and this is admittedly a little bit of an edge case, but there have been a handful of times where I've contacted customer service, and someone's really more out of goodness in my heart.

Like there's been times when like we, there's a place, a couple of handful of times where we've gotten food from a place that we get food from all the time. And one reason we get food from them all the time is because they're really consistent. and you know they're really good and it's always you know equally good and one time i got food from a place that we got food from a lot that was at least nasty but probably was bad like food that

Alexwas like when you opened it you went this is not the way oh like it would be sick if or like something like it needed to be thrown in the way like the food was was wrong like if i if the cook

Merlinhad smelled it or the prep person or whoever had smelled it they'd go like that's that's not right and i have occasionally you know and i feel like that's the problem the problem i'm trying to describe is like hey um hey uh you might even know our name like we order from you like all the time like maybe at least a couple times a month or whatever and you know us and i'm not gonna i'm not saying this to be mean i'm not saying this to make you feel bad i'm saying this because we love your place but just so you know this one side was like pretty weird and i think and i'm trying to

say without sounding like a dick is like i think that might have been a little dangerous now they probably got that call from more than one person but you know what that's an edge case that is an edge case they think i'm fishing for coupons title oh but then there are also things like One of my original OG Instacart stories was the 60-degree milk. Do you remember that anecdote?

AlexNo. Oh, I mean, go on, but without the diarrhea part, I guess.

MerlinIt's not as great a story as the guy who walked on foot to deliver my soup from another county that one time. Oh, yeah. That guy's a baller. And then, you know what's nice? I forgot this, but I got – I had another – like years later, I got a delivery. That guy was for some service. And he texted me and said – he reminded me of that and said, hey, I don't know if you remember this, but one time you ordered something and my car broke down. And then I walked into your house and you gave me a big tip.

And I just want to say, I appreciate you being nice about that.

AlexAnd I was like, you just made my year. I made me so happy. No, that is heartbreaking because it shouldn't have to happen. And it shouldn't have made your year. And it probably made his year, too. And that's just so sad that human decency made people so happy. I'm glad it did, though.

MerlinBut in the one case, and I'll do this quick because it's an old story. But one of those, you know, so the thing that poor Dan was describing is something we all get sometimes. We get a little bit frustrated.

AlexI just want an apology.

MerlinOh, my God. I have to do a show with him, Alex.

AlexI know.

MerlinYou go tell him about it. You go confront him. Jesus Christ. I'm permanent on staff. I'm an enjoined penis lawyer for everyone I know. Everything anybody in my world does ends up being reflected on me, and I love that.

AlexI think you are nice to delivery drivers, possibly to a fault.

MerlinSo, but have you had those kinds of things? There are ones that stick out in my mind. There are things like my laptop that was at the same corner for several days that never got delivered. You know, there was the, the soup is a famous one. But one time, like, have you ever had those ones, though, where it's like, to talk about another podcast episode, that episode of This American Life Called Fiasco, you know, where the Peter Pan play goes wrong. like have you ever had like a delivery that was like a fiasco like where it went from yeah and

so my my favorite and you know no shade of lemonade but years and years ago we got in a delivery as when my kid was still drinking milk a lot so it was a while ago and we did it got in his car and trying to remember exactly how it went long story short it it didn't come didn't come didn't come i was like hey is this coming what's going on with that you know because again i just want to know should i get on with my life you know a lot of it is i'm blowing an evening being the project manager or like administrator for this and that's not fun but the stuff never made it and

i i'm trying to remember exactly what the long story short they said okay we're gonna read that's gonna get redelivered in the morning and i was like okay okay fine um and now i have mixed feelings about this. Apparently, that Instacart person, something happened. They couldn't do the delivery. I guess there was kind of a dearth of communication. They took my groceries to their house.

AlexOh, no. I've had this happen. And then delivered them the next day. And when the milk arrived,

MerlinI did, because I am that guy at heart, stick a thermometer in it. And it was 60 degrees, the milk the milk the yesterday milk it was 60 degrees and that made me sad and i kind of felt like you know maybe that's not such a great thing but you know once again like if this is we're not we're not talking about having a personal assistant we're talking about somebody who maybe wants to make eight dollars on their way home from work and you know or whatever it is and you know and i'm i'm

The world doesn't need to know this, but I'm desperately sympathetic about that. I had one. Okay, this pulls together. And then we got to really talk. We got to start the show. I had one. It says, you know, Instacart now. I don't know if it does this in Chicago, but it delivers all kinds of shit. You can get like Bed Bath and Beyond. And I have utilized, I mean, Container Store you can get. It's kind of weird. A sports basement. It's like a mall?

AlexOh, my gosh.

MerlinYeah, a sports basement, which is where I get my bike stuff. but like you know one that's on there that i utilize is uh best buy because sometimes i just need a thing sometimes i just need a samsung two terabyte ruggedized little blue hard drive you've seen the ruggedized ones with the rubber on the outside they're really cute no i'm ruggedized now i like the ruggedized you have that with your rugged watch and i um and i'll sometimes uh do that now and but of course let's what else let's bring it all together the symphony crescendo i also have to do like a top off to like bring it up to the amount in some cases but like what did

i get i but it was one of those it was just a total fail on every side because there was something that i needed you know what it was it might have been when i was trying to do my canning stuff last week with my pickled peppers but anyway there's a thing and i ordered here's the thing i need and the thing i need is eight dollars but i need to get other things so i employed all of my skills One of my skills is what I call competitive ordering, which is you order a thing with the replacement of another thing, and then you order the other thing with the replacement of the original thing.

I did this with croutons yesterday. Okay. Sometimes you have to order very aggressively, very competitively. Yes. But this poor bastard – and again, the fucking site said all this stuff is there. It's in stock. And, you know, if you learn the tricks, you learn that like with like Safeway or wherever, it will sometimes say – it will say out of stock, right? It will be grayed out. sometimes it'll say request and that means on instacart that there's a pretty good bet that they don't have that so you know i don't order that but anyway and this this poor bastard went there and i think there were a total of five items in the order it came to like 70 bucks or something

but and like i just kept hearing the bloops and again now we bring in merlin's love of hearing the bloops bloop bloop bloop bloop and the bloops and the bloops and the bloops and there was like of the five things i wanted one of them was like oh you know what it was i need an sd card for something. And that was ultimately why I was there. That was the prime mover in why this order happened. And all the other stuff was just, you know, whatever. And they had, like, of the five things there, they had, like, one thing in stock. And for the first time ever, the Instacart shopper was like,

um, you know, this is really not enough stuff for me to drive to your house. And I said, oh, okay, well, you know, I understand. Like, that's, you can feel free to cancel. He said, only you can cancel it. And I said, oh, yeah, but great. Now I've got no SD card and homework. Okay. So, okay. I don't see anywhere in the app to do that. He goes, you got to call the 800 number. I said, oh, okay. So now I'm not getting, I'm thinking to myself, now I'm not getting the stuff that I wanted.

And I've got homework that involves a phone call and being on hold. Okay. But I'm trying to be like a decent person. And so I did. I had to call them. And like, I didn't want to be a dick about it. I didn't want to go, meh, just cancel the order. But I did. There was this little bit of like a southwestern Ohio part of me that was like, yeah, it sounds like a lot of stuff's out of stock and this fella didn't really want to drive up to deliver it and can I cancel it? But like that's weird. But it also further highlights the basic fucking problem.

What do they do? They send people to places to bring you a thing. That is it. They don't have a lot of flexibility in other ways. And every time, I have to tell you, and I have started collecting the weird photos that people send me from Instacart because it's going to eventually be – it might be for the challenge that I have in mind. But I'm eventually going to create a collection of insane photos of shelves that people send from Instacart.

AlexI've never gotten this.

MerlinThis is fascinating to me. Well, I got it last night because my little lordling was out of salad supplies. So I had to get salad supplies for the little lordling.

AlexEven in that?

MerlinFor today's school lunch. Hey, listen. My kid wants to eat a fucking salad. I will support that.

AlexNo. Good. But supply?

MerlinYou ever made a salad, Alex?

AlexI, honest to God.

MerlinI don't know what a salad is. Do you even know what a fucking salad is?

AlexI am told vegetables exist.

MerlinYou just buy a box that says salad and pour it in a bowl?

AlexSometimes I eat green things. But was it supplies to eat or to make? Ingredients?

MerlinAll very good questions that further highlight how you don't know what a salad is.

AlexI'm going to have a Diet Coke now. All right, so you're getting your salad supplies.

MerlinBut, you know, I have go-to top-offs. What did I call it? What am I calling it? Top-offs?

AlexTop-offs.

MerlinTop-offs. We do things a little bit different here. Top-offs. Are you familiar with top-offs? Or what you call small plates. Did you see that TikTok, by the way?

AlexWhat?

MerlinOkay, TikTok. No, I haven't. TikTok restaurant.

AlexI'm in another universe. Really, man? Just ask me if I've seen a TikTok.

MerlinYou shut your whore mouth. Now, what I do, I've got go-to. I've got, oh, boy. As long as we're going deep inside baseball. Deep inside baseball. There are times where I will, oh, boy, this is bad. I'll combine a top off with an I'm pretty sure it's out of stock and I can kind of artificially inflate it because I know what – the stoke that my kid and I are addicted to, the iced coffee that we're addicted to. Like I got to keep that in stock for both of our needs. And they're often out of it.

And so I'll know I'm going to make that one, get me four of these and give me a refund, not a replace. Now, that's not very nice of me, but I do something.

AlexBut anyway, my classic top off. Yes, it is. It doesn't fuck up. You're not fucking up the driver or the delivery person.

MerlinThat's a little bit deceptive.

AlexSee, okay, all gig economy apps are basically video games, but they treat everyone on all sides as NPCs.

MerlinI agree. I could write. I bought a book about how to play Pac-Man. I should write a book. I should write a book. I should write a book about how to game that system, how to get free coops. Got to get your coops.

AlexBut at least you're playing it as if everyone's a PC and you are considering the player character on the other side.

MerlinThey're a PC and I'm a Mac. Okay.

AlexOkay.

MerlinAll right.

AlexSupplies.

MerlinSo my classic top off, 12 packs or 24 packs of seltzer.

AlexMm-hmm.

MerlinBecause I can always use more seltzer. It's not going to go bad, have it around. And so if I need to do a little top off, I'll add some of those. And I need them anyway, right? But, you know, and I could send you a photo of this last night. My favorite ones, and I think sometimes this is an ESL situation, is that there would just literally be a photo of shelves.

AlexOh, I see.

MerlinSometimes they give you a little cue and say, like, you know, this thing you want isn't here. Here's what they have. And they send you a photo. And you can't zoom in, right? The photo is, like, embedded. There's no way to, like, you can't zoom in on it with my weird eyes. And it's like, wait a minute. So you want me to go look at these shelves and like – this happened to me once with lampshades and it was a real shit show.

But no, I get those all – you don't get the photos of just shelves, huh?

AlexI don't really – and this is not a I am better.

MerlinYou love doing – you call it your marketing. You go there. What? You put on your house dress. You get an apron. Oh, okay. You hop into the Volvo. and you go do your marketing for the week. Is that what it's called?

AlexNo, I just, we have a jewel close to us and we go there. Not because we do not enjoy the door dashing. If I could be lazy and get things delivered to me, I absolutely would. But it's like we're so close that that's not an option.

MerlinI told a friend of the show, Greg Tortoise, this morning that this weekend my family had food delivered from 600 feet away this weekend.

AlexSee, and that doesn't, I doubt that's a failure of you or the place or the driver. It's just in the system. It's like this place goes to this place.

MerlinThat food's food. I just sent you a photo and I can tell you from looking at it, from context clues.

AlexWhat the fuck?

MerlinNo, no, no. This is the kind of photo I get because you know it's not there, which you can't see. The purple stoke, which is the only one we like. We've tried all of them.

AlexOkay.

MerlinPurple stoke, the bold one is the only one that we like.

AlexAnd so they need to send these as like a proof of work?

MerlinWell, this is where we get into my theory. This is where how I, because I'm a superior person who's trying to grow, have developed empathy. When people do shit like this or when people are like super needy, you get a needy shopper sometimes. I'll bet that's because a lot of people they deal with are buttholes. and they're mad that they didn't have the like, I don't know, hand-turned cilantro that they requested or whatever, or like, you know, you got the wrong size noodle or, you know, whatever.

AlexWell, and then you have people texting them like, no, this is the right house number. You're wrong. And this goes to your wisdom document.

MerlinIt does. Everything goes to the wisdom document. It's all I can think about. It's fair money or inconvenience if you're white. Because, so what Alex is looking at here, I'll put this in the notes somewhere. And usually that'll be accompanied by, so what we're seeing here is a shelf with orange stoke and blue stoke, which are no good, and then a big empty area where the purple stoke used to be because that's the only good stoke. This is S, T, long O, and a K, right? Stoke. And they'll say like, this is all they got, you know,

do you want anything, you know, from here?

AlexAnd I usually say, hey, you know,

Merlinrefund is fine or whatever. But like, it's but the empathy part is i i don't imagine they're doing this because it feels good i don't imagine they're needy with all the texts oh it's my play here's hey here's a text expander style thing with lots of emoji i'm your shopper and i'm blah blah and i go thanks and then they go you're welcome and i'm like oh i want to be nice but like the whole point of this is i don't want a high touch experience i just just you know but you know i'll bet sometimes i get this and i feel like

I had a tweet about this that has since disappeared, but I'm imagining people at home who've placed an order and the person goes, sir, they're out of Lipton family size tea bags. Do you see anything here you would like? I don't believe that they are. You must demonstrate to me because I think you're doing this just to fuck with me. I bet they actually have them and you just didn't look. And that's why people say like I even asked in the back and stuff. I'm like, no, it's all fine. It's all fine. It's all fine. You know, you and I are part of the same system, Senator. You know what I'm saying? We're all part of the same hypocrisy.

AlexSo close.

MerlinSorry, Syracuse. Well, some people like to play their little games. My wife, Mrs. Geary. Did you know the mother doesn't have a name in The Godfather? She's just known as Mama.

AlexI feel like I did, but that's probably wrong.

MerlinI don't think she has a credit. She's great in those movies.

AlexIsn't she? Oh, nope. Sorry. I'm thinking of Goodfellas. Didn't Syracuse's mom play one of the moms?

MerlinYeah, Syracuse's mom. Oh, God.

AlexSorry.

MerlinSorry.

AlexOh, Lord. You know what? He should take it as a compliment. He should take it as a compliment.

MerlinOne goes east, one goes west. So what?

AlexOh, Scorsese, Syracuse. That's all those Italians.

MerlinThat was one of his first, one of his very first movies. Yeah. It's called The Americanos. And it was about white people who used to live in Levittown. Sorry, so close. Hey, how's it going?

AlexGot a lot of velocity, I think.

MerlinNo, I don't. Would you stop noticing me?

AlexI apologize. I will not listen and steamroll you and just keep talking about something.

MerlinNo, no, I do that. I do that. Well, I feel like I need to ask you, and we can cut this out and throw it away, but like you look, I feel like you look very forward and are excited about big Apple announcement events like the one that was held this morning as we record this, September 7th, 2022.

on a Wednesday, of all things. And you seem like you're pretty excited. You look forward to that. You like knowing about the new phones and stuff like that. Did you want to talk at all? I don't know if you have a place where you prefer to talk about this, if you have a more popular show. But did anything happen today that you have feelings about?

AlexOh, I mean, it's funny because this is like the busiest day of the year for a lot of our friends because they all do the computer things.

MerlinFind out what their next couple months are going to look like.

AlexYes. We found out that iOS 60? Sure.

MerlinYep, got the release candidate a few minutes ago.

AlexYeah, and it's coming out on the 12th, and I'm like, oh, I'm not going to talk to a lot of people for the next week.

MerlinAre you acquainted with a lot of developers, Alex? It sounds like you really run up that crowd. Oh, not even.

AlexI'm very cool and know a lot of developers, but also I know a lot of reviewers who are very stressed out right now. and the YouTube boys too. It really sucks for a lot of people. That's rough.

MerlinYeah, and what are the shovel bloggers going to do? What are they going to write about now? Headlines like, here's everything we know so far about the Apple Watch 14 and why you probably shouldn't buy it.

AlexDid you see the AirPods Pro 2 though? Those are pretty cool.

MerlinThat's spoiler alert. That's the only thing I see myself picking up right now. Um, partly because mine keeps falling out of my weird ear, but they sound great. I love my AirPods Pro. Love them.

AlexI get excited about stuff that makes people's lives better.

MerlinAnd I don't want to be like Apple corporate and be like, you are going to die. Not interested.

AlexNot.

MerlinOoh, accessibility is for losers.

AlexBoo. to toy uh i i do enjoy apple's new strategy of trying to be the company that makes extreme sportswear for people who are in the desert or deep underwater all the time it's that sure is a choice yeah that'll be so good for all my

Merlinall my scuba work i do yeah that's i'm forever planning out my dives no i'm not gonna be that guy just because it's not for me doesn't mean it's silly but as i said earlier on the internet I do kind of, it does kind of make me feel like their idea of, it's like going to REI, where I feel like, ooh. I mean, I know REI exists to make people like me feel adventurous. And I get the feeling here, it's like, oh, I'm going to need that because of all the times. Like, you know, I might be stranded in the middle of a desert or something.

And for me, it's more like, you know, trying to find another Apple device. It's what I use Apple devices for.

Alexand now it's got a speaker on the bottom thank you yes i'll take it well i thought like the the fun thing about um what is it crash detection or something on on the new phone iphones and apple watches there's this thing called uh crash detection for something it's like oh it'll call nine-to-one if you get in a car crash i'm like this is the best marketing idea ever because you know what everybody is going to do on youtube and in tiktoks and you know joanna stern's already

putting together a budget to crash a car to test all of these features and it's going to be like the new i like the new viral thing is going to be iphone car crashes and i'm very excited for

Merlinlike the way people like to to hit uh hit uh figures of children with their tesla That kind of thing?

AlexWell, that was a thing, too. But what was it? Oh, when AirDrop became popular, the youths started just air spamming.

MerlinWhat's that called? Let me guess. Drop bombing?

AlexYeah. Is that what they?

MerlinI don't know. Okay. Everything stupid needs a name now.

AlexWhat is the island?

MerlinYeah. Yeah. That's good for them.

AlexI love this stupid name so much.

MerlinI don't want to be the... But what jumped out at you? There were three big sections. I thought this one... This is boring.

AlexWe're not an incidental computer show, but I am very excited about an iPhone that's purple.

MerlinYeah, you've been wanting this for a long time.

AlexPurple just makes me happy. Although it kind of is like a pussy purple flavor. Oh, boy. Purple is a flavor.

MerlinThere's grape... A pussy purple.

AlexIt's like a pussy purple. It's not a real purple.

MerlinOh, you mean as in a wimpy version?

AlexYeah, yeah. I don't know how I feel about that.

MerlinLocale version.

AlexBut seriously, AirPods Pro with the fucking transparency mode that now will not mute, but dampen certain frequencies or certain decibels.

Merlin45,000 times per second.

AlexI don't know what that means.

MerlinJust like me and my mean bone. So you think you get out and you know you're going to order a phone, huh?

AlexNah, no.

MerlinNo?

AlexNo, no.

MerlinI did break my AirPods Pro.

AlexI don't know. Okay. That's fine. Well, actually, it depends on how Matchy's battery is doing. because unlike me, he actually needs to use his phone for work because the stupid...

MerlinYou can get those replaced for pretty cheap for what it's worth. We did that on the Lordlings phone one time and it made a big... Okay, sorry. Oh, I see what you're saying. Yes, yes.

AlexBut if it's costly, then it might as well just get Alex a purple phone, you know?

MerlinGet a purple phone. Come on. You know who you're talking to here. I'm not going to shame you about a phone. It's the world that will shame you about a phone.

AlexShame me. I want. Oh, no, no, no. I want to deeply.

MerlinI got other things to shame. I got a lot to shame you about.

AlexYeah.

MerlinYou have very problematic views of water sports, I realize.

AlexI'm like, oh, they kept saying. They just kept saying water sports.

MerlinIt's only for gays now. Is that it?

AlexNo. I'm not going to do it.

MerlinJust because I like to sit in portalets and wait for, wait, wait for, let's be honest, women to come in and urinate on me. You know, I'm a little toilet baby.

AlexThat's exciting. We call it reverse bidet-ing now.

MerlinThat sounds very Urban Dictionary. I gave this chick a reverse bidet. Magnifique. L and Z. I don't even want to think about what that is.

Let's talk about it. I was trying to get you stimulated, talking about things that you're interested in.

AlexOh, no, I am. I'm genuinely so excited. I just have nothing new or interesting to say about it. Like, yeah, I'm there. Oh, I'm very excited about the temperature tracking thing, but it was on. That's coming in the Apple Watch, but it was unclear. I guess it's only in the new ones, but I don't know. Cycle tracking, a.k.a. just, you know, period apps.

It's just nice to see it talked about in the open.

MerlinYou don't have to touch your woo-woo at all for it to know. You don't have to look for mucus and stuff.

AlexWell, I'm sure you do, but it's nice to get a –

MerlinWill this affect the rhythm method inside of the Catholic community?

AlexOh. Oh, interesting. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. I didn't even think of that.

MerlinNeither did I.

AlexI was like, this is another – this is a great way to market it.

MerlinPope announces he's very excited about new computer device. It's real good. And you can have all of the, what's the word, for knocking boots that you want. And then watch I tell you, it's not a good dime. Because he's definitely Italian.

AlexYes.

MerlinWhere's he from? Brazil? Where's he from? The other one was Germany. Didn't they have a German one for a while?

AlexThey did. They had a whole...

MerlinHe kept invading the other Vaticans?

AlexHe was the first one, Benedict. He was the first one to, what's it called? No, he was in Italian. He was German. He was in Hitler Youth or Nazi Hitler Youth.

MerlinIt was a different time.

AlexIt was like a cartoon. Muppet Babies, Nazi Babies. Abdicate. It's not called Abdication, but it's kind of like that because we make them royalty. Anyway, I really like the color purple.

MerlinBut he's infallible, so the quitting was good.

AlexIt was good, yes.

MerlinHe did it quietly. He did quiet quitting. I'm only going to do one of the biggest services. The masses are too long. I need some Francis time.

AlexI've been trying to find one.

MerlinI need to, ah, it's so difficult to say. I need to shame more the young people about what they want, how they want the genitals to be manipulated. I need to do a, what's it called? A papal nuncio? What's it called? You put out a declaration, you nail your theses to the door? Who am I thinking of? Actually, no, that's very Protestant, isn't it?

AlexYeah, yeah. He had some valid takes.

MerlinMartin Luther, you mean?

AlexYes.

MerlinHe was German. I think he, if he serves, he was German. Was he a Lutheran or did he precede Lutheranism?

AlexI'm not smart enough to make these Christian Catholic jokes. Luther. Nope.

MerlinLuther Vandross is not. Let's say you do it. Give me your type five of Catholic Cameron. Let's hear it.

AlexOh, good Lord. Something, something. Boy buttholes.

MerlinI would workshop that one a little more.

AlexYeah, maybe.

MerlinI think so. Oh, they call it, boy buttholes, they call it draining the cup. They really get in there. No.

AlexThat's bad, bad.

MerlinNope, nope, nope. Okay. Well, I think that's the show.

AlexIt's fun for me to get quiet. Like the quitting. Oh, that's what I was interested in. Do you ever think about the person who came up with the term quiet quitting it's like the new inbox zero i yeah exactly yeah yeah i just i'm like i wonder did anybody actually read it did anyone read it i can't find the original source but i'm sure there's some guy just sitting somewhere like

Merlinno no well i imagine in the similar to the shovel blogs i bet there's a lot of as the kinds of posts i've seen about my my seemingly simple and straightforward approach to not letting email run your life i bet there's a lot of really really awesome posts out there that are like um quiet quitting and why it can't work i deliberately misunderstood this thing that

Alexi heard about and from my headline and i have an essay and suddenly cal newport comes knocking it's got it can't be fun everyone sent me a galley never sent me anything oh no that guy's that guy's

Merlinpicked my brain like a farm worker. I never hear from him. Really?

AlexCal Newport?

MerlinHe's fine. He's fine. They're all fine. He seems fine. I haven't enjoyed his book.

AlexThey're the gig economists of the brain.

MerlinWhat's his big book? Intense Work. What's it called? Serious Business. Deep Work.

AlexLike Purple. Get it all up in there. Did you hear? There's 43 empty folders. hear about this know about this yeah oh thank you so funny it's funny it's really funny the first time i saw it i was like oh merlin's mentions merlin's mentions yeah

Merlini couldn't help like i said on slack eventually it was nice once it had passed it was nice it was nice while it was happening it wasn't it wasn't that funny i mean it's it's kind of like along the lines of someone well it's kind of like it's kind of like cancer being in the news and somebody going hey did your dad die that way it's like yeah thanks man thanks for remembering me

Alexhow you been no it's not like that it's a little like that oh no i i mean i can't prove he's dead

Merlini mean but yeah he hasn't written in a while um that was that was funny and then it was yeah so So, yeah, it's all pretty wild, though, the whole thing with Mr. Trump, sir. It's all pretty crazy.

AlexI don't really know what's going on. I don't even know what really happened except that there were 43 empty folders. And Trump is representing himself in a case, maybe.

MerlinWell, there's more to it than all of that. I truly don't know. Well, good. We'll just keep talking about it then, by all means.

AlexI'm just going to steamroll and just keep talking. I have opinions. I just want an apology. I'm sorry, Merlin.

MerlinSorry about your burger. I think the concern was that there were, and this was a concern that was covered by a lot of the talking heads on cable news, but the concern was these empty folders are folders for, like think of it more like a cover sheet, really. Like if you just walked into your house and found what was obviously the top page ripped off of a stapled thing and it said top secret, secret compartmented information. We'll look at this in a skiff only.

Check it in. If you just saw that sitting around, your first thought might be, huh, it's weird that this is here by itself. I wonder where the stuff that's actually secret is. That was the concern initially, is why are these all... We shouldn't talk about this. Although I do have a thing. Why should we talk about this? I do have a thing I'm obsessing about and I have nowhere to talk about it Please do. So you saw the famous photo of all of these documents, like, fanned out kind of on the ground next to some, like, magazine covers in a banker's box.

You saw the photo at Mar-a-Lago, right? From what purports to be the president's office, right? You saw this, right?

AlexNo, definitely not.

MerlinThe famous photo for this entire – what we're talking about here is the documents that were seized from the ex-president's golf club.

AlexOh, Washington Post has an annotated photograph for it.

MerlinOkay, so that photo came out. This is so fucking boring. the photo came out and of course everybody's very first response was oh my gosh can you believe that Donald Trump had all of these documents splayed all over the floor by his public not his public but by the swimming pool there's so much about this that's monkey balls but that photo came out and of course everybody in you know pussy hat news goes fucking bananas about how the president just splays this shit all over

the place, notwithstanding the fact there's obviously a little sign there to indicate that it's evidence and blah, blah, blah, blah. And then people came in and said, I think then, and then of course the right ring go, oh, and then, you know, as somebody kindly pointed out on Twitter, Eric Trump is out there talking about my father's very tidy and blah, blah, blah, and this wouldn't happen. And I think in the fullness of time, I feel like the story, why am I telling you this? The story became, oh, no, no, this is just a photo to show you the stuff that was like in the boxes that were seized.

So either that stuff was sitting around on the floor like that, probably not, or people took it out of the boxes and like laid it out there. And they're both completely – because Alex, they're talking about – so when you've got SCI level information, top secret, SCIF only information, there's a whole process. If you follow this stuff like I have, you learn that there's a whole process. There's somebody who is in charge of making sure we know where that thing is.

You sign it in, you sign it out. It's got to be in a skiff. There's this whole, all the people who are X, all the talking heads who used to be in government and had access to this stuff are like, I've never seen anything like this in this way. It's like, I don't know. It would be like Oppenheimer seeing a lump of nuclear fissile material sitting around at a Starbucks. That's not really where this belongs. But anyway, the part I'm struggling with is, like, Alex, they're talking about, like, pulling fingerprints off the documents to figure out who might have handled them, which is a thing they do even on non-stolen documents.

AlexThat's terrifying.

MerlinOkay. But, like, if you were going to be looking at these documents to pull fingerprints off them. Oh, and then on top of it all, then there's the other thing of like finding the quote unquote special master for this is going to be a real trick because you have to have redonkulously high security privileges to even like know what's in these things. It's really complicated. So now, wait, so that stuff's on the floor. How'd that stuff get on the floor? Did the FBI people like take it out, presumably wearing gloves and like lay it out?

Like, you know, Pablo Escobar's, you know, piles of money and guns. Like, the whole thing just really troubles my mind. Something about it seems weird.

AlexWell, and that's why I kind of muted most of the things, because it felt a little Rachel Maddow and Russia type of stuff.

MerlinOh, that's a perfect way to put it. Yeah.

AlexYeah. Like I'm looking at this photo now and it even says this image contained in the August 30th court filing by the Justice Department shows documented documents seized by the FBI. So, yeah, I feel like that implies that this was and there's a little to a sign in the same way that you'd see like the chalk outline around a body and go, I wonder if somebody died there. This is a scene from The Wire.

MerlinLike, I don't want to have that argument because then I'm going to sound like I'm saying Mr. Trump was set up and I'm not really saying that. I'm just trying to like, I don't know. I guess I see why they released it. But I don't know. I don't know. We got him this time. That's for sure.

AlexYeah, we got him this time. I true. This is a bitchy thing. But I'm really like, wait, do people seriously think that Donald Trump is going to jail? Like, there's no way a United States president is going to jail. And I really hope that someone is going to, you know, that enough people listen to this show that maybe one person will clip it. And then eventually it's like, Alex, you were so dumb. Donald Trump is in jail. But there's no way. No fucking way.

MerlinWell, and I don't disagree at all. And I think if there is a little bit of derangement on the pussy hat side, it is my question for all these folks is like, so what do you ultimately, I sound like a cop, what do you want them to do? What do you ultimately want to have happen? Like, what is your payoff in all of this? Is that he finally, I think part of it is just our nascent, like national frustration that Donald Trump gets away from with everything. And like, OK, so, you know, I understand like I would like the bad man to go away.

I would like there to not be future bad men. But if we look at it a little bit more critically, we'll see that there's already numerous cases of people who don't get away with shit the way that Trump does. I think one of the things like Ron DeSantis draws in a lot of money, but he's utterly bereft of charisma. He does not have, on a national level, I don't think Ron DeSantis, well, I'll probably regret saying this or predicting this, but I don't think he's going to do great nationally. I think he seems like a fucking hillbilly. I think he seems like a pretentious, full of shit hillbilly.

And I think people are going to look at it. And his bit that works in Florida, I guess because of something in the groundwater, every time he talks about something being woke and wokeism and woke, that's his bit. He's like a mom in 1980 that learned the word gross and now uses it way too much. Mom, quit it. Governor, stop saying woke all the time. But, you know, I mean, I guess – I don't know. There is a part of me that sometimes thinks like I want the bad man to be responsible and accountable as well.

But like we spend so much time thinking about this guy still. And it's like, it doesn't feel wholesome.

AlexThey just want an apology. They just want an apology.

MerlinBarack Obama did this week, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

AlexYeah.

MerlinImagine, I don't like to do this too often, but imagine if Hillary had blah, blah, blah, blah. Yeah, imagine that. And imagine that instead of that, these people see him as a fucking folk hero. And everything that he does in their deranged fucking brains seems like something that makes them more free and masculine and American. Like how many more times do you need to be told that's how this works? And like, but we, we have to, it starts with us. We have to quit acting like any of this is like fucking normal or replicable in exactly the same way.

And like, ah, CBN.

I had one bit of follow-up. One bit of follow-up. I missed this last week. A week before last in the after show, I had mentioned that an acquaintance of mine, I hope he's a friend. These are both friends of mine, acquaintance friends, one of them had created a mesothelioma blog to capitalize on the big keyword values on Google Ads. And I'm informed by a friend of the show, Matt Howey, that, of course, it was Michael Buffington, not Andre Torres.

They've both done many, many great things.

AlexBut those are such fancy names. Michael Buffington. Yes.

MerlinYou think that has too many syllables?

AlexNo, I think it's, no, it has a great mouthful. Michael Buffington.

MerlinMichael Buffington.

AlexMerlin Mann.

MerlinIs Michael Buffington, who's the name of the guy that says, let's get ready to rumble? What's that guy's name? Michael. Michael, huh, now I got to look it up. Let's, yeah, I think he copyrighted that. Let's get ready to.

AlexNo way. I mean, well, actually way, because that seems like something that's very possible, but wow.

MerlinLet's get ready to rumble, guy. Michael Buffer, the great Michael Buffer.

AlexYeah, that's one of those names that sound fake. I don't like it when people have fake sounding names.

MerlinI know, I know, I agree. It sounds like one of those, like a Fletch kind of name.

AlexOh, yeah.

MerlinDr. Rosen, Rosen. Dr. Rosen Penis. You just feel like you're making it up, I should go.

AlexYeah. And people might be, excuse me, Alex, you believe in people changing their names all the time. I'm like, well, yes, I do. I respect that person's experience, but I will still make fun of them if they change their name to Michael Buffer.

MerlinThe lived experience of Michael Buffer? Are you even ready to rumble? Because I'm getting the feeling that you're not really ready to rumble.

AlexI'm not. My viscosity is all messed.

MerlinCan we at least get ready to rumble? What's your feelings on the rumble? Are you ready at all for it to rumble?

AlexChallenge. What else?

MerlinI want to talk to you. I also want to talk to you about a new thing I found. A new tech thing I'm excited about.

AlexOh, go on.

MerlinNo, let's talk about our challenge. Remind me. Oh, I also got to find you the TikTok with the restaurant. And I want to talk to you about Tamper Monkey.

Alexyou ever use grease monkey back on firefox oh the oh you know to the extension well grease

Merlinmonkey was just real quick grease monkey was this cool thing i mean there's been others since but the og as far as i know was on firefox where grease monkey was uh you could basically upload user scripts that would like do shit on sites you could like change the way you do things on a site through these JavaScript injection things. And I didn't realize until yesterday, as always, the way I learned about tech is when I got an itch to scratch, which should be instructive. But I discovered, because I wanted to do some poker-y-jiggery on the web, there's a thing called Tamper Monkey.

This should maybe be a challenge. Tamper Monkey, you install, it's available on the App Store, and you get it. And then you can install these user scripts that change things on websites, like the Grease Monkey of old.

AlexThis looks like a Pokemon Tamper Monkey. I'm also going to put into show notes, show notes, notes, Grease Monkey, the, um, the, the solvent. I don't know.

MerlinIt's really great at cleaning shit.

AlexYeah. No, you, I feel like you would actually really like it.

MerlinAre you talking about the stuff in an orange thing for when your hands are dirty?

AlexI, no.

MerlinNo.

AlexI think they have one of those. I don't know. I've been in many a car garage and whatnot. Car garage, Jesus. I know cars.

MerlinYeah, you're a real gearhead. You're a real automotive enthusiast. You're a regular guy from that English show where the guys are mean. The driving show. Tamper monkey. Tamper monkey. Tamper monkey like Fritos. Tamper monkey like Tab and Mountain Dew.

AlexOkay. Reference acknowledged. There we go.

MerlinOkay. Shit. Fuck. Go.

AlexSorry. Oh, no. I was going to ask.

MerlinThat's never happened before.

AlexI was going to ask what Tamper Monkey does, but we can do the douchey thing of go to giveusyourfuckingmoney.com.

MerlinNo, that's not going to happen. That's not going to happen. We have so many masturbators. We have to talk about the whole concept. We have to widen our discussion to masturbation in the news in general.

AlexIt really is the new crying.

MerlinLike, Jesus. I can't believe it didn't occur to me until this week to employ the method I am now employing. And it's given me so much joy. We might talk about masturbation. Not, I mean, we could talk about ours. Mine's not very eventful. I mean, it's, I don't know. It's like trying to poke a hobo with a cooked noodle.

AlexOh, boy. Patreon.com slash Dubai Friday.

MerlinWhat? He rides the rails. He's sleeping. Poke, poke, poke. And the one I did, the reason, what I wanted was, it doesn't matter what I wanted. what I got was so for example now when I go to IMDB and look at a movie there's a whole bunch of extra icons that have been added that will take me to the what's the word I'm looking for so I'm on a page, I'm looking at something I could go and look at it right now like a person

but if I click here it takes me to the Rotten Tomatoes page for that movie stuff like that it lets you do things like add it to your media ecosphere is all he would say about that. But we could look at Tamper Monkey.

And what else are we talking about? My noodle?

AlexWe're talking about monkeys and masturbation. This looks super cool.

MerlinYou can tell it's good because it's not a very pretty sight, so you know it's good.

AlexYou know what's upsetting?

MerlinWhat?

AlexI'm not going to say that that's true, But I find that just the less code and the less crap that's on a site, not just the faster it is, but sometimes it is more maintained. I don't know.

MerlinWait, wait, wait, wait.

AlexThere's like a, I think there feels, it feels like there's sort of a small website movement, movement, that sounds dumb, trend happening now. But I kind of like it.

MerlinThere's a movement.

AlexYeah.

MerlinWhere you get a great workout just from moving somebody's house.

AlexI've never been to the gym in his life.

MerlinNo.

AlexBut not just since, like, blot.

MerlinI'm going to refer to my beard. Okay, go, go, go. What are we talking about? Monkeys and masturbation.

AlexBut, like, we talk about blot all the time, and I...

MerlinThat was going to be my challenge this week.

AlexOh, okay. Oh, oh. Oh, see, I'll save it then. I'll save it. I like lightweight websites.

MerlinNo, no, no. Oh, I'm sorry. Please go. I'm sorry.

AlexNo, no. I don't want to be site phobic, but just lightweight websites.

MerlinOh, I see what you're saying. And so are you worried? Are you concerned that Timber Monkey is going to make it too heavy and weird?

AlexOh, no, no, no. The opposite. It seems like the people that have created this really care about the Internet, which sounds like a dumb thing to say. but I don't know how to put that in a, I don't know how to put many things in eloquent. Oh boy, eloquent. Woo.

MerlinDefinitely feels like an escalating war, war, escalating something to me where like as all of these, especially as God bless you all. I know it's your work, but like as so many websites do more and more and I swear to God, I'm ready to throw, I'm ready to like, I'm not gonna say I'm gonna cancel it, but Defector is making me fucking crazy. It's maddening to me how much they want me to log in. And to log in to Defector, I have to go click on the link, which is a real, like, I don't know. I mean, I know it's a little indie site, but, like, Jesus, dude,

let me use a fucking password. Well, it says people who used to work at the other place. And David Ross there, and I want him to be my friend, so I don't want to say anything mean. Oh, that's true. But, you know, Daily Beast, they all do that. But like even for sites, I'm serious when I say this about this frustration is if I haven't been on Defector for a couple of days, David Roth links to something and he has great taste and he writes there and I want to go look at it and I click and I go. And again, like I said on the internet last week to the people at Defector in a super nice way because I'm really good at being nice.

I was like, hey, love what you guys do. I'm a day zero subscriber, have been for two years or whatever. I was like, is there any chance y'all might consider adding a password login? Because I really don't want to have to check email to look at your wonderful website. Thanks for what you do. Kind of thing. And like, it's frustrating to me that I have to go to email to like log into a website. But then once I am logged in, then I get this weird fucking pop up that doesn't want to go away. Where I'm supposed to pick a name for the chat room or whatever. And then I get another thing. I get a dick bar at the bottom about like, you know, just there's, I have anybody logged out and then log back in as a typical user to see what this experience is like for somebody who's giving them money every year.

Like, I don't mean that in the mean, like, I'm going to talk to your manager way, but more in the like, you know, I, I'm happy to support what you do, but I would like a little bit of consideration in seeing a little bit less of the things you regard as valuable promotion things. like taking the ads away is fine but i can take away ads on my own i'm there because i like you i like you defector i want to read your stuff and like when i have to deal with javascript layover not like we don't call it like all the fucking subscribe to our newsletter all that kind

of junk and hush works on some of that but not nearly enough um it just drives me crazy

AlexI'm sending you a shortcut that I use. It's also a website.

MerlinOh, look at that.

AlexIt's a 10-foot paywall. There are a lot of sites that are under the radar, like here, put in this URL and we'll scrape everything. But this one's public.

MerlinYeah, I saw one this week that does an archive.org-like thing, purports to fix that.

AlexInteresting.

MerlinSo wait, so this is, is this an app or like it's a website?

AlexIt's a website and it probably.

MerlinIt's called Hop Any Paywall provided by 12FT, 12 foot it looks like. Oh, neato.

AlexBut I, it makes me feel gross to use it. Not because I am, you know, an upstanding moral citizen who never uses DoorDash or Amazon.

MerlinWall Street Journal needs that money.

AlexBut I am getting pretty close to emailing Bluebird customer support and being like, I paid $300 and I can't even read these stories still. Wow.

MerlinWhat kind of – whoa, does that get you access to the Pirates of the Caribbean club? Is that annually?

AlexYeah, it is.

MerlinHoly crap.

AlexIt was $300. and I'm like I was like you know what I read this every single day and there are a lot of writers who and friends who work at Bloomberg okay sure and that was dumb no I don't you do I don't know no yeah um the uh but there's the thing is there's Daily Beast there's Defector there's so many sites that have subscriptions that like you said yes good happy to pay for but when the renewal comes up, it's like, eh, nah, nah. And normally the idea is like, okay, cool. The

subscription is for a year. So you'll forget. And then you're going to pay for a year, which is

Merlinwith Apple. I liked it with Apple. Like there's times where I've like, I mentioned this recently in that the frustration about like, God, I just want to find an app that works. I'll pay for an app that works. I just don't know if this is going to do what I hope it'll do until I subscribe for a year or subscribe for a month. And I do like that ability to like, well, I subscribe to this for one day and I didn't like it, so I'm canceling it. At the end of the month, I won't be re-upped. You know, but you're not going to get that in a lot of places. They're just going to re-up you without incident, I think.

AlexBut more and more people know that because of Apple and other services that are like, hey, you're paying for too many subscriptions. Cancel. Cancel. And so then smaller sites like the Daily Beast that I assume have a – like I haven't dug into it, but all of these paywall, these like sign-ins seem similar. So I have to assume it's like a certain standard or a copy and paste type of thing of we put this over our site so that this is how you're always going to have to like log in.

MerlinThat's probably, I mean, like, if you're talking about what I think you're talking about, it's one of the things people point to in terms of early success of Dropbox was that they provided developers with, like, a full SDK to make it easy, like a drag-and-drop proposition to add Dropbox to your app. That kind of thing where, like, you've outsourced your, what would you call it?

AlexLike, I assume there's a, like, Squarespace for paywalls type of thing because so many are easy to get around. Like that's how ad block and whatever works. So I don't know, but they're going to get, I don't know. I worry like you worry about the internet and I try not to be a Debbie downer about podcasts, but yikes. It's getting harder and harder to pay for things and not have.

have. No, but even if you're paying for something, sometimes it's still, if you want to pay for something, you need to pay for it in the Wondery app, or you need to pay it on Substack or Apple

MerlinNews. Wondery, or Pineapple Boy, or Fresh Drop.

AlexFresh Drop.

MerlinOh my god, we think you're going to be so excited to hear this episode. One of our sister companies. I hate that I

Alextold you about feed drops. I hate it.

MerlinYou guys really love what you do, don't you? I can see the Beatles doing that. Just going, ooh, if you like our brand of Liverpudlian music, this album also includes a single by Jerry and the Pacemakers. We think you'll really like it. We're on vacation.

Ferry, cross the Mersey. Challenge. Oh, you know what? I do need a new tea.

AlexYou do?

MerlinSo, do you want to talk?

AlexWe should do this challenge very quickly.

MerlinOh, sure. Oh, no, no, no, no, no. Do it really fast. It's just not, I'm down to like.

AlexYeah, got it.

MerlinNo, no, you can do it really fast. I have very little. I have very little to say about this, unfortunately.

AlexDid you get any of the CVM?

MerlinI had it before the challenge.

AlexDid you try it?

MerlinWhich my youngster now reminds me. Is that a form of cheating when you've done the challenge before the challenge? I'm like, well, no, put differently. Sometimes I want to do the challenge because it's something I've already done. You've already seen all that jazz. Shut up.

AlexThat seems a little Alex-phobic because I was excluded. That means I'm excluded. But I couldn't, like I thought that I had CBN.

MerlinChallenge this week was weed related. And the challenge this week was.

AlexNo, turpin. Okay, go ahead. Turp straw. Turpentines. Anyway, go ahead. Go ahead.

MerlinI'm sorry. No, you're doing great. Why don't you introduce it and I'll go get a tea because you're wearing me down. I'm a nub at this point.

AlexI know.

MerlinNub. Nub. Nub, nub.

AlexAll right. this week's challenge was to try CBN, which is a compound or a cannabinoid, a.k.a. weed. Oh, oh, it's a cannabidol and cannabinol. So that's CBD versus CBN. And you're like, Alex, what the fuck does this mean? I don't know. I don't I truly don't know from WebMD uh you may have heard of tetrahydrocannabinoil

THC the psychoactive chemical in marijuana that produces a high but unlike THC CBD and CBN are dubbed as milder drugs that means they are non-psychoactive and don't alter your mind instead they are touted for their medical benefits end quote but oh Merlin's back uh Merlin, I know that you have tried CBD a number of times, but the first time it really fucked you up, right?

We're talking about CBD, the gas station slash podcast advertised, like non-THC stuff.

MerlinI don't know. Yeah.

AlexOkay.

MerlinI've had a... Wait, I don't know how to make your extension work. We'll come back to it. Your shortcut. But I have, since the pandemic, learned to really enjoy edibles. I like how controlled it is, like knowing what I'm getting out of it. The CBD thing was like when I tried some CBD oil and my two experiences with CBD oil, I guess like some people's experience with edibles in general, I guess. But CBD oil was like either 90% of the time nothing happened or on two occasions I lost my fucking mind and felt like I was tripping, which I can't think of anything besides CBD oil that would cause that.

But I have been told that's impossible. I don't know how tight the quality control is on CBD oil, especially the kind you get at a gas station. but i i but this came up i i don't know if this is how it came up but i recently took a flyer on some edibles i think they're called tranquility one to one to one but the point is it includes something called cbn which i'd never heard of before and i i googled around a little bit so basically this stuff's got thc which is your good old-fashioned marijuana

And you'll find out, like, oh, is this, you know, sativa, indica, like, whatever. And then you've got your CBD oil. And then you've got something called CBN. And that was the challenge this week was to try something with CBN. CBN, according to the websites, is a thing they put in the marijuana edibles now that help you specifically with sleep. Did I get that kind of right?

AlexI think so.

MerlinI don't need to use long words. What I'm saying is it's weed plus weed-like things. And it supposedly helps you in a certain way. And in this instance, the CBN is specific. It's being widely tested right now as a way to help people with chronic pain and sleep issues. And it's like, well, don't just say this about every weed thing.

AlexYeah, I tried it because I got some for free and it didn't seem...

MerlinI can't tell the difference. Here's my review of edibles. They make me feel just a little bit high. I don't know if I'm sleeping any better or differently. I mean, like, because, like, but, like, you know, when you buy the, as the hippies say, flowers, like, when you buy, like, buds of weed in a jar like we do now, when you buy that, there's usually, yeah, they'll tell you what the, is it.

So, Sativa and Indica are the two big ones, right? Are there other ones?

AlexYes, I like to remember it.

MerlinIn the couch, correct?

Alexyes that's like the typical you are stoned and hungry and less like trippy and more just like haha i really like rick and morty well i don't know i think in um i thought indica was the one

Merlinthat made you you know like high in the like classic sense usually where some of this you know what i'm i swear to christ if anybody out there contacts me in any way about any of this you're banned from this show forever. Okay, but here's the part that I find a little confusing.

How do you want people to contact you, Alex? What's the best way to do that? Do you have a pod drop where you'd like people to drop in

Alexan episode? That's the thing. It's like, how would people figure out? I don't know. Here's your call to action. Figure out how to contact me.

MerlinThere you go. Okay. Alright. Alright. We're gonna have to get Cloudflare to stop. Anyway, the the here's the thing though is like when you buy your flowers as the hippies say a big feature of that is the what's the word strain what strain is this and they usually have funny names and it's like oh this one is a combination of Allison muffin top and Andalusia diarrhea pan and you're like what what I got one recently called

it was called meat breath like meat breath Yeah. But they said, oh, no, meat breath. And it's a combination of this and that, which is a combination of this and that. And, you know, Denver skylines and rectal surgery. And you're like, oh, I don't know what any of this stuff means. But it must be meaningful to somebody. What I'm asking you is, how come we go so fucking banana pants about strains when it comes to smokable weed? And there's so much less in there about, if you like, strains when we're talking about edibles. Because wouldn't that have a big impact on the effects?

AlexIn theory.

MerlinIt isn't just like you go to CVS and buy a big bottle called THC. I don't understand it. Because I'll bet you you could accomplish a lot of this with the right THC, I'm guessing.

AlexYes, I think a lot of it has to do with branding. When you are in states where THC is legal, like California and Illinois, way it's still controlled substance but you can go to your fancy hipster uh i can go to my phone and have it delivered that but uh in a lot i'm not going into those places i'm not a druggie

MerlinI just consort with them.

AlexBut a lot of the CBD claims at this point feel very wellness-y and kind of...

MerlinOh, I agree. There's a phrase. Actually, a friend of the show, Dennis Gephardt, a phrase he used to use. He said, yeah, I take ginseng. Not the boner kind, but just the regular kind. Like, yeah, because it's an adaptogen. Like, it's good for what ails you. And I feel like that's kind of where we are with some of the CBD stuff where it's like, you tell me what's wrong with you and I'll tell you that CBD will help you with it. You're like, well, how – what's the – is there a mechanism for that or is there anything I need to know about how that works? Oh, you can't get high. You literally can. All right. Well, that sounds all either too good to be true or too stupid to be real.

Like, what the fuck does it actually do?

AlexYeah, I don't –

MerlinSomething science studies. Sweden.

Alexlike there there are uh types of cbd that actually i think it was like a fancy podcast kind they advertised somewhere in my on my friend's show and they sent me loomy i think i don't know and and i was like oh yeah i think loomy's the one for your uh butt stink the butt what huh what loomy loomy is also a kind of camera strap oh but loomy's that lady

Merlinon MSNBC who talks about making your cooch not stink. They're good ads.

AlexOh.

MerlinBut see, so had you tried how, you've had marijuana, have you had CBD enough and a different, I mean, what's your CBD oil or whatever, tinctures, edibles, whatever. Have you had enough experience with that to know when it's doing something, whether it's doing something, and how much it's doing something? No. Because I've come up like, Yeah, I got nothing on CBD oil.

AlexI thought that I would have something interesting to say about how it made me think or feel, but I don't.

MerlinI'm not saying it's a scam, CBD oil. So we're talking about three different things here, I think. THC, CBD, and CBN. And CBD, I'm not saying it's a scam, but like there is there is a lot of that unobtainium kind of feeling to it of that, like, you know.

AlexOK, so I take it back. Like I can definitely tell if something has there like if it has THC and CBD and there is a very high CBD content or like a four to one or something, then it's like, oh, OK, this does make me feel sleepier versus something that's like very little CBD. This is all TFC.

MerlinBecause according to the people on these marijuana sites who, you know, give facets for these different things, you know, there are certain kinds of weed that like can be very – they make you creative or stimulated or they make you more awake than sleepy. Whereas the shake weed we got in Florida just made you get a headache before you fell asleep mostly.

AlexOh, God.

MerlinRight? But like so you can tell and so you're – if I hear you, you're saying that even setting aside what you're pretty sure is a THC effect. You think CBD oil does help you with sleep kind of probably maybe?

AlexI mean not sleep necessarily. Just relaxation.

MerlinSee, that's what I want. When people talk about the different kinds of highs and they're like this kind of high or that kind of high. And like I want the one that like makes my body go dead. I want one that like – because part of what I do a lot of the time and if I'm being honest, the thing that comes out of my concerns about too much caffeine, too much stimulation, all these things is like as much as I can drink a lot, I can drug a lot. But like caffeine I think has more of an effect for longer than with other people.

and I always one of the first things I look up on any drug that I'm prescribed or that I'm taking is like stuff like the half-life and how long it'll take for it to be like out of your body and you know all that kind of stuff and like I don't know I just I I I sometimes need I really just wish my body would relax and I'll do like that sort of gut not guided what's it called the you know progressive relaxation thing where you try to and like I've known my points like there's my point, like my sternum, my shoulders, my back, there's certain areas that when I am

relaxed, that's the part I notice doesn't feel like it's being held together with staples. It's like the staples are gone and those areas are relaxed. I want that marijuana or CB whatever. That's what I want. I mean, my problem with sleep, generally, I'm one of those people where I have no problem falling asleep. Like whenever I go to bed, I'll be asleep. And I generally stay mostly asleep. but like I can tell whether that's from my apnea-ish things in the past. I just know I'm not always sleeping very deeply or –

I'm not getting the full suite of sleep things and I do feel like what I need from something like this is body help.

AlexBody help?

MerlinWell, I already get brain help. Well, I'm sorry. Let me – I feel like I'm talking a lot about marijuana. If I have – my usual amount is like, like I say, like half of a galactic grape. My go-to. A galactic grape is fantastic. I think the company's called Kana Nano or something like that, Nano Nano. Shit's fucking great. And I've gotten stuff from your place too when you put that on the internet. I've gotten stuff from that place too. I've got some watermelons from those guys. But the thing is, my brain will be fine. I mean, that's one reason I enjoy edibles.

It's a very controlled amount of what makes me, to use a Syracuse phrase, I think you'll know what I mean. It makes me less prickly. Like I'm less like, and I'm less like, you know what I mean? I'm just, I'm less like keyed up and like, because I'm forever in COO mode at our house. So I'm fucking doing everything all the time. And, you know, I just really feel like I'm spinning plates a lot of the time. And when I do want to be done with spinning plates, it's nice that that can, it's not because I want to be super high, although it is fun to be a little high.

I really like the fact that it has salutary effects on the parts of my personality and mind that could use that kind of help. So the feeling a little high part, THC is fine. Like, at least the edibles that I get for that are fine. What I'm curious about personally, and I didn't mean to monopolize this. What I'm curious about is, like, I don't know how to ask for advice on this. Like, are there any of these that, like, are particularly good at, like, making your body calm the fuck down, bringing down your heartbeat, all that stuff that, like, I know is an issue for me?

AlexYeah, and I think that...

MerlinDoes CBD help you with that, though, do you think?

AlexI don't. I truly, truly don't know.

MerlinCan't tell.

AlexI know. Can't tell. Well, it's so poorly regulated. Like in some cases, the states where THC is legal, like you can get a better handle. Like you said, like you can tell exactly how much is in a certain gummy or whatever. Whereas if it's a product that doesn't have THC in it, it's really like ambiguous. It just says like, no, THC.

So it's legal here because of the farmer's bill here. Just take it. It's fine. It can't make you high. It'll make you puke a little bit. But the so I truly don't know because it's like, yes, I feel a little bit high when I have some of Maddie's gummies that are like four parts CBD, one part THC.

MerlinVery mild.

Alexyeah and it's like oh this is this is nice but i i mean we this is kind of where this challenge came from i'm increasingly um nervous about dependencies on a bunch of yeah uh prescription drugs so i would i would love to believe like a lot of wellness bullshit like i bet a lot of people metaphorically sleep better if they think that like CBD is helping them a lot or maybe it is

actually helping them a lot and maybe it is physically helping me but I can't get my butt

Merlinout of my head. Well yeah but you I mean like I'm not saying you're doing this but like it's the thing is there's never mind but I just feel like there's there's so much shit that is around that could if you're somebody like me anyway there's a million reasons I could be feeling assertively a certain way or actively feeling a certain way, there are fewer things that I'm confident can make me not feel that way. Right. And that's where you get into, that's where I get into trouble with something like, well, did this white ginseng adaptogen to what I needed? Well,

I didn't throw up and I feel fine. So I guess it works. I used to feel that way about vitamins where like I used to, when I was a little kid, I, you know, my mom would give me like Flintstone vitamins. And at one point in the early 2000s, I thought, oh, I heard about these food based vitamins that are supposed to be really good. And it was four fucking horse pills with all of this shit in it. And it was supposed to be really good. It's supposed to be the best brand. I mean, physicians and PhDs I've talked to a lot of time, they're just like, you know, you're just peeing all of that stuff away. You know, when you take vitamin C that way in particular,

or any of that stuff. That's not how, I mean, to go back to my old days of courtroom exhibits, it's just because you hold an ibuprofen to your forehead doesn't mean your headache will go away. And like, yeah, there's vitamins in there, but that's not how vitamins do. Like, go eat some fucking kale, dude.

AlexWell, yeah, and a perfect example, I think, is like hemp oil or hemp cream, where a lot of scientists have been like, no, no, no, CBD cream, maybe not.

MerlinOh, it supposedly helps locally. Like, does transdermal help? See, now you're going to get inscrutable emails.

AlexNo, that's the thing. I'm genuinely curious, but there's very little information.

MerlinI am too. What I'm saying is if I know you and you actually know this shit and, like, you know a lot about it, like, I would love to know what I can take to make my body fucking unwind. That's what I really want. So maybe I need to get in the couch is what you're saying.

AlexHave you tried cocaine?

MerlinOnce. Are you there?

AlexYep, yep.

MerlinOkay. I tried cocaine exactly once. Exactly once. And it didn't do fuck all. I went right to sleep.

AlexWhat?

MerlinYeah, I know. Well, see, now if it was somebody who's normal, they'd probably be like.

AlexYou have the most ADHD in the world, maybe.

MerlinOkay. And that's why the first time I took Adderall and it made me calm, a friend of the show, Leslie Harpold, said, uh-huh, that Adderall I gave you? I was like, I'm not sure this works. I got a fuck ton done, but I feel really calm. And she's like, yep, you definitely got ADHD. Because if taking Adderall makes you feel calm, that means you've got some serious fucking dopamine problems. I am a machine. I will make 5,000 words. Beep, boop, beep, boop. That was me. Still miss it. Still miss it. You know what? I shouldn't get into drugs.

But have you tried cocaine?

AlexThis has been Dubai Friday. Oh, wow. We have a challenge podcast. We're done. We're done.

MerlinDid you do it with a priest?

AlexNo, we're done.

MerlinYou only did it with the laity.

AlexOh, we're done. We're done.

MerlinThat's what they say in Chicago. Get laity.

AlexDing. Ding.

MerlinIt's not the show until I say it's done.

AlexDing.

MerlinStop saying ding. You cooked up right now? No. What about K-Hole, Alex? Have you ever been in a K-hole?

AlexI don't know what that is, but it sounds scary.

MerlinI don't either. Is that Ashton Kutcher? I don't know what that is. Is his name K-hole? Is he still married? Who's he married to? Deborah Winger? Somebody? No. You think he's ever done cocaine?

AlexFamily guy.

MerlinHe's married to Family Guy. Holy crap. Holy crap. It's Ashton Kutcher. Now we're done, you bitch.

Thank you.

303. Fishing for Coupons

Show notes

Transcript

303. Fishing for Coupons

Show notes

Transcript

0:00

0:22

0:23

0:51

1:02

1:09

1:10

1:12

1:18

1:28

1:40

1:41

1:49

1:55

2:33

3:05

3:36

4:04

4:13

4:25

4:34

4:53

4:58

5:41

6:19

6:54

7:08

7:22

7:24

7:40

8:11

8:43

9:13

9:16

9:22

9:28

9:35

9:45

10:08

10:38

10:47

11:12

11:42

11:51

11:52

12:01

12:24

12:56

13:27

13:30

13:32

14:04

14:08

14:31

14:33

14:40

14:46

14:53

15:20

15:43

16:13

16:38

17:09

17:31

18:02

18:37

19:04

19:15

19:48

20:14

20:19

20:50

20:52

21:14

21:24

21:25

21:28