255. Phuzzy Pharma

AlexThis is Do By Friday, a weekly challenge podcast with Merlin Mann and Alex Cox. This week's challenge, make unreasonable death demands.

Hello.

MerlinAre you okay?

AlexHow are you? How are you?

MerlinYou're very quiet. What's going on?

AlexAm I actually really quiet?

MerlinNo, this Zoom thing is bad.

AlexI noticed today that while it says connecting to audio, that's probably when you're hearing the, this call is now being recorded. And there is a lovely little bouncing animation in the corner where it says, you know, Merlin Man. And I just think, wow, someone put a lot of effort into that. And I wish they would put that much effort into making Zoom work.

How are you doing? You seem low energy. Need some coffee? Is this a show? You know. It's a weird time to record.

Sorry. I'm sorry I interrupted. Go ahead.

Merlinbecause I am historically an upbeat, garrulous person with a lot of energy and a lot to say. I also sometimes didn't feel a lot of pressure that people think I'm having some kind of an episode. I'm not manic.

AlexWell, making the noise is something that, you know, even normal people only do when, I mean, hmm. it's it it might be a very different perhaps better program if if only one of us had a lot

Merlinof energy at the same time but don't you see the problem with you you people all of you people is us people the they people oh my god you overthink all of this stuff you overthink it i'm trying to find this funny picture i saw today i got a really funny picture in my recos it's a very funny picture of Marco Arment when we're all in New Zealand. And I don't know why. It's just so funny to me. It's Marco drinking a drink in this bar that we went to a lot where we did actually drink them out of bourbon.

But there's a stuffed peacock over his head and behind him. And it makes him look like some kind of an oracle that you would go and consult, you know, if you dare, you know. No, I can't find it. I've got too many photos. Alex, have we established – I need to just blow through something real quick. We've got a lot to cover today. Hello.

Have we established that I love you? That's funny how?

AlexI'm chuckling at something else. What were you laughing at?

MerlinWhat was funny? Something you can share with the rest of the class? Did you bring enough for everyone?

AlexThat was a lie. I've been trapped in a lie. So continue.

MerlinI can't find this photo of Marco. I favorited it earlier. Oh, here he is. Here he is. Is this him having a drink? Yeah, here's him. Here's Marco having a drink under a peacock. And I don't know why, but it pleases me. I'll send it to you. Now, listen, just to remember, ever since we left and came back, you are still under oath.

AlexMm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

MerlinHave we established, please tell the court, have we established that I love you?

AlexI believe so. Yes.

MerlinHave we established that my family loves your family? Have we established that?

AlexI think so. I hope.

MerlinHave we established to the extent possible with my meager skills and feeble agent attitudes that to the extent possible, whatever your journey is, I would like to support it? Have we established that?

AlexI think so. Yes. Okay. Am I in trouble? What's happening?

MerlinHow much longer are we going to be doing this insane recording time?

AlexHopefully just one more week.

MerlinBut it'll be less than a month probably, right?

AlexLess than a month?

MerlinI think I need to recalibrate. I might need to start taking a morning nap.

AlexOh, goodness. No, no, no. Yeah, actually, I just, this morning, it was established that I have been in brain school for a month. Because they were like, oh, yay, woo, you're, good job. And I will be only going there half of the, quote, going half of the day, meaning we can have our regular start time where you wake up too early and I have a leisurely mid-morning and then stroll into here.

MerlinOkay. All right. Well, I just hope that I can continue to be supportive in your journey, whatever it may be. to honor what you have been and what you are becoming.

Like you're some kind of an unfinished baked good.

AlexYeah, what is that?

MerlinBut have we established that I love you?

Alexyes again say it again again i i i love your your stupid face and i'm god it it is shouldn't

Merlinyou be like having dinner now oh man things are things are nuts here um hi everybody um so yeah like real talk things are crazy you can um i might slip you an early copy of directives we recorded last night because as you know i don't like to talk about my actual life i talk about parts of my life generally that i'm comfortable talking about but i would prefer not to talk about travel until i'm home for several days right i'm weird about opsec stuff like that and and i have it may not seem like it but i have my own sort of uh ideas of what it's okay to talk about with but

my my wife had surgery last week and uh on her her knee and she can't it's a heel like she has like not put any weight on it she's got this giant um ungainly brace and long story short as discussed on this episode of reconcilable differences it has understandably led to some

Alexyou know changes in how we have to do stuff i mean just a few with the whole not walking well

Merlinyeah but it's like but you should listen i'll send you this episode it's pretty good um and i'll tell you why um because you know first of all you know uh first principles clarice we all are tend to operate our lives whether we like it or not we tend to operate our lives with less tolerance and slack like whatever you're living is what you're living and like whether you deserve it or not like you there's nobody who's like ah i'll do twice as much stuff today or like there's nobody you know what i mean like it's like same way that delta can't rebook your fight because there's so

little tolerance and slack and in that i mean it's just that you really notice i mean if things were going badly right now, I would say fissures, but you definitely notice stuff like, oh, let's say, for example, the stuff in the division of labor that has sorted out nicely over 20 years, because there's some things one doesn't mind doing, other things one likes doing, other things one hates doing. And then, of course, there's all the things that one sucks at, and ergo, it makes sense that the other person does that thing. And I covered that in this

discussion so for example if it involves uh poop pee or barf i i have no problem at all with that i'm fine dealing with that whereas the other members of the house do not love dealing with

Alexthose things who is pooping and peeing okay quick sidebar sidebar who are there any um you know what

Merlinuh opsec but are we talking about our daughter likes to drop a deuce in the hall every morning and she says check me out and then she does a fancy dance and does kind of like a little peppermint twist you know and says uh every day is sunday now eat that i mean that's a power move all right just want to do it to establish that no it's mostly the cat the cat is being medically groomed as we speak the cat is at the and i have so much to say about this vet oh my fucking god um could you write that down i've increasingly gotten better about asking people write down write down

No, I'm a medical grooming and vet.

AlexYou're going to get a call from Ronan Farrow now. My God.

MerlinI wish. Expose me, King. But so that's happening right now. Our far now, she's down to four pounds. Our four pounds of cat are, they're going to knock her shit out. And they're going to finally, what I've been saying for two years, I've been saying, now imagine Black Lady claps. Shave my cat. Somebody please shave my cat. Shave my cat, please. And so, supposedly, they're working on that right now. But, boy, the last few days have been a little bit crazy.

AlexNot going to lie. I tuned into your Back to Work program because I was like, I wonder. I don't want to ask how the family is because, as we established, we love one another. But sometimes there's just so many things.

MerlinI think we've established that we love each other. Our families love each other as families.

Alexyes and i didn't want your like they're just oh there can just be a lot back when you went back

Merlinwhen you were just two lesbians walking a cat i thought you were delightful oh man and now

Alexit's a whole new world i'm learning how to play that on piano it's lovely so i'm working at a

Merlinslight disadvantage today part two because it's um part two is i did not get the sleep one likes to get last night. And well, because I recorded with that stinky John Syracuse. And because I was having a stressful day and I had to restore a phone and I had to buy a phone. Yes. And I had to restore a phone yesterday. I ran right up to the time and like two minutes before the call started, I poured myself an adult beverage and had half of an edible.

If I'm being honest, a little more than half of an edible.

AlexAll right. We got to save it for the after show.

MerlinIt's a very, very entertaining galactic grape. It's a very entertaining episode, especially when I forget what it is. I forget where the sentence began, but I think it's pretty amusing.

AlexOh, my God. I've never been. I don't think I've ever been so excited for a podcast episode.

MerlinI will. As soon as we're done, I'll send it to you. But then so but then things are a little disrupted. I forgot to have my sleeping pills on top of which I forgot to bring them to my little officina here you know my private office at quite tower and and so not only did i not have them at the time i would normally take them but i'm also in the middle of an experiment my own uh i'm an autodidact at this particular uh brain school i'm trying to take fewer sleep things and it's mostly going fine but i've realized i'm like my grandfather where it takes me like three or four gulps to get

Alexall these fucking pills down yeah i mean you got to be a horse at some point i should show you my

Merlinthe raw tonnage of pills i put in my body but it's you know some of this just shit like you know along the lines of like a sun theanine uh melatonin i also take a beta blocker which rules

Alexum and stuff like that oh is that the the heart or uh i've heard that i know it i saw it on an episode of house but i don't really know is okay is this to keep the incels away or is it a heart

Merlinthing or what i mean so far it's working um good good yeah the guy says look i'm hanging out here under the bridge to keep the alligators away and the other fellow says to him he says he says there's no alligators here and the guy says well you can you can see uh it's working i'm doing a good job uh yeah so look up beta blocker these things rule um they're pretty low for side effects people take them basically the basic idea is to i think um i think the the main on label thing is

like when you got heart stuff whether that's like a arrhythmias or i'm not a doctor or you've got high blood pressure that kind of stuff it helps you to calm the fuck down without being like a sedative exactly which is awesome like i don't i don't want to be on that train um and uh and so yeah but they're really great and and i've heard from certain people who work in proximity to uh doctors real doctors you know not just lecturopodists and phds but real doctors like

even they who are the most conceited person in the world they get kind of nervous before a talk and then they'll have a beta blocker.

AlexOh, yeah. That's what I was, because I was like, it's not a benzo, but it's a.

MerlinNo, I don't like, well.

AlexYou know what? All right, jokes have left the room.

MerlinIt's called, you know what? I'll say it. I'll say it. It's called propanolol.

AlexThe propanolol. Laugh out loud.

MerlinPropanolol laugh out loud.

AlexI can't even name the medications I'm on because most of them are. Oh, no, I mean, I can. Well, why would I have to? Because they are written down.

MerlinThey're having fun with it, huh? Mixing it up a little bit?

AlexNo, no. I mean, that too. Hey, everybody, if this is the first episode of Dubai Friday, God, I'm sorry. But I go to brain school. I'm helping. I had a nervous breakdown. And now I'm helping my brain. But, I mean, yeah, there's big turnover in meds. But also, they change the, what is it? not off generic. There we go. Like, I know Lamotrigine and that's the only one I can like pronounce.

MerlinLamotrigine is Lamictal. Otherwise known as Lamictal.

AlexYeah.

MerlinAnd it's for seizures, but it is good at my, my libertarian shrink explained this really well to me a long time ago using his hands and showing like the thing is your personality, your, what was the word he used? It's a good word. not simply your mood, but also kind of like your basic Weltanschauung. It's like, you know, the problem is what we don't want to, like you can imagine this like when he held his two hands up and was doing this kind of like left and right thing, up and down.

You don't want all the jelly of your emotions to all these like end up pooling at this one end of the receptacle. The idea is you want to keep this even. And what this does is it doesn't like stimulate you. It doesn't sedate you, but it lets Alex be Alex. And a lot of people take it for bipolar, right?

AlexYeah.

MerlinI had it for ADHD. Brett Terpstra had it for ADHD. You and I believe, friend of the show, John Roderick, have taken it for bipolar.

AlexYeah, it's good stuff.

MerlinAnd it can give you a deadly skin disease.

AlexSo, you know, keep an eye on that. I mean, every day it's like, is the rash going to happen? Is today rash day? Which is like. like, it has never happened.

MerlinIs that like leg day?

AlexYeah, exactly. You know, there's trauma day, there's optimistic days, there's rash day.

MerlinThis is the worst Mickey Mouse Club ever.

But then I did have a point this morning and I'm just about done here. This is a very strange time to record. So this morning I woke up and I hadn't realized that I spaced part of my handful of drugs last night. And I do have trouble sort of unwinding after night podcasting. I don't love night podcasting, but, you know, I complain, but who listen? And it was an entertaining episode. But then this morning I was kind of having a little bit of the redux of my Detroit incident in the sense of like, ah, like I can't breathe and I'm hot and I'm having anxiety thoughts.

And also on top of it, there was like three different songs in my head that were all battling at the same time.

AlexOh, I hate that. Have you ever had that? Oh, absolutely.

MerlinIt's one thing to wake up and you got satisfied in your head and you can just kind of run through it. but then i saw i had like fleawood max sarah in my head um i think i had dr worm of course in my head and anyway it was it was it was but there was a point this morning i was kind of in a sour mood and i said to my lady friend again my my kids running running around and it's just she's talking like a person's not trying to sleep and i think at one point i might have said am i bothering

anyone and um uh but anyway i did have this thought where like i was like i feel like the dream would be give me a giant fucking adderall at 6 a.m and give me an ambien at 6 p.m and i'll never bother anyone again oh because my mother-in-law um my beloved mother-in-law uh r.i.p for real uh she was living an Ambien lifestyle.

AlexOoh. Good way?

MerlinHave you known people who take Ambien? Have you known people?

AlexYeah. I have taken it for, like, a brief... Luckily...

MerlinHow did it work for you?

AlexI mean, it's... When you need it, you need it. But when you're bipolar, and sometimes you have a lot of energy, and sometimes you're real depressed, it just, again, asterisk, asterisk, asterisk. Oh my god, Alex. But I know, I know. I just get... I don't know.

MerlinI'm going to get you another one of those shock watches because at this point I just need to work on your conditioning.

AlexI know.

MerlinYou're a bird who's scared of pellets, I feel like. So you just keep walking in a circle, you know?

AlexOh, God. and I can do the A.

A. A.

MerlinWouldn't that be great? Even the idea of her prescription running low, she would get a little panicky.

AlexYeah. Yeah, I've known people who, like, you know, a mistake will happen where a drugstore doesn't have it, and then it's a bad time for everybody in proximity.

MerlinYeah, yeah. So, you know, I guess I should probably exercise. Rather than, say, subscribing to a new scooter, I should probably walk more.

AlexYeah, well, you got the beta blockers, so you don't need to worry about that. Beta blockers, Bluetooth.

MerlinSo that's good. How's brain school going? If you can say.

AlexNo, actually, genuinely really good because I am only doing like half the day of talking. And just then I get to do other things like work on my, quote, job of podcasting. And I'm going to have like a real normal schedule almost again. It's very exciting. I'm well, I'm very excited.

MerlinInteresting. No, you should be excited. Now, so you're doing this over Zoom, right?

AlexYes, most of the time. Sometimes I go in to, you know, get a blood test or whatever.

MerlinI'm not going to report on you. I'm not going to report back to your brain doctor. But I am curious, how often are you more or less single-mindedly paying attention to the Zoom call? How often are you either kind of looking at your phone or looking at, I don't know, whatever you look at? sad Twitter or Reddit or whatever. Do you find yourself going, ugh, and you just gotta look at something? Yep.

AlexSolid. I mean, I would

Merlinlike to... Self-soothing. It's a form of self-soothing.

AlexYeah. And the best part about this particular program... Stop asking me people, please. I just... I don't want to be doxed again. But what's really great about this particular program is, like, acknowledging, oh, yeah, we are gonna be totally distracted we are going like on top of folks having like panic attacks and disassociative episodes and things like that it's this world in which half of us are on zoom and some of us are like sometimes um if i need to be there i like uh they actually have everybody

be on zoom no matter what because for group for group therapy sorry like if it is a one-on-one type thing it's different but yeah there is the acknowledgement of this really sucks but we are going to do our best and um like judgment free zone if you are just not having it and not paying

Merlinattention that's cool that sounds like a cool facilitator it right right and that's i mean

Alexbecause yeah it's zoom can really suck especially like telemedicine has some great aspects yeah you You know, Zoom contains multitudes.

MerlinYeah, everybody's different. Everybody's different.

AlexRight. And honestly, knowing that your doctor, as long as you are making progress towards where you want your brain to be. I got excited and threw my pen. Whoops. That's fine. And not having the judgment of, you know, you are just playing threes for two hours.

MerlinAs long as you're not like distracting, right?

AlexRight, right. And as you know, as long as it's not a perpetual thing and like you're, you know, quote unquote getting worse, then it's like whatever.

MerlinOr like or, you know, performing a Jeffrey Toobin or something.

AlexThe.

Merlinwell this morning when i took the cat for her medical grooming and i you know the problem is i went in loaded for bear because i gotta tell you about this place maybe we'll talk about on the after show but this place is just it's a i think it's a mill it's just oh well it's like

the way i identify it to my extremely supportive uh currently slightly uh enabled wife was that it's they do like this cat person weird cat person version of good cop bad cop we're like well i think this place maybe you don't get this with yours but like whenever we do anything well first of all see also as i as i said not long ago on the internet any call from a service person always begins with a stern lecture like even if it's not my fault i guess

it is my problem and so like i have to sit for the lecture for whatever it is same reason i stopped going to that dentist whose mother was the dental hygienist and would give me a a xeroxed packet every time i came in about how i was going to get grave heart disease if i didn't floss more and it's like just listen you over there shave my cat you clean my teeth don't i don't i want i want to pay i will pay half again as much to come in here and just get a thing taken care of we have a

ratty ass tiny cat that needs all the hair cut off shave my cat but then of course you know they want to mention that you know so but the way they do the good cop bad cop is you go oh precious angel and you know like all this all now i'm talking about it we'll talk about it well okay you just

Alexseem very distressed about the about the cat is they bug the shit out of me alex i told my family

Merlinthere's a pretty hard low five figure figure digit or not digit um number there's a a currency number in the very low five digits that represent this cat you want to adopt i have an idea in mind about how much I'm willing to spend for the lifetime of this cat.

AlexYou have spent, I think, multiple top surgeries on this cat, and there is no judgment whatsoever. I'd do the same if I could with my cats.

MerlinLet's just say it's good that turned out to be a fairly soft five-digit because every time we go in, there's more shit that they say we've got to get done, including before we can give the cat some unnecessary geriatric cat surgery, We have to make sure the cat can handle being – I almost said euthanized – being sedated, anesthetized. And so there's a whole other – there's a battery of tests just to find out if we can get the cat knocked out for this –

they're talking about maybe having to do some heart surgery and stuff like that. And it's just – but the good cop back, they go, oh, precious angel.

AlexIs this savvy man? Oh, she's the cutest cat we've got in here today.

MerlinMap, map, map. Look at that. And it's like, this sickens me. Don't patronize my cat. This cat is a grotesquerie. Don't pretend that she's anything. I mean, and she started eating wet food. Again, what we call them, wetsies. And when she eats wetsies, she gets this terrible Van Dyke beard of cat slurry.

AlexYes. Ew, ew, ew. Fun. Are you the one who wipes that?

MerlinNo. My poor, beleaguered, constantly guilty-feeling lady friend is the one. It's like you can't keep up with this cat. She's like just four pounds of grotesquerie. But I can't wait. I hope she makes it through the procedure today. We'll get this here. So the good cop is all of this meow, meow, meow stuff.

AlexI took some photos.

MerlinI'll send you this fucking place. But then it's like, oh, and I noticed we never really pick back up on dealing with the urinary tract concerns and the possible heart therapy and all of this stuff. So we're going to give you an estimate on the quality of care thing. and you can look over that and see if you want to do those blood tests today. And I was finally like, look.

AlexYes. Oh, no.

MerlinWe really want to shave the cat. So it was difficult to find people to shave the cat to begin with. We take her to people that I think didn't treat her very well. And she's a real, she's gross, and I wouldn't want the job. But there's a lot of jobs I don't want, and that's why I pay other people to have that job. And I was like, look, let's, you know, let's pump the brakes. We'll look at getting these tests done. I don't want to sound like a cheapskate, but let's shave the cat and then look at the $400 worth of blood tests to find out if our geriatric cat, our probably 12-year-old cat, should have open-heart surgery.

And then she gives me the equivalent of kind of a whoa, whoa, whoa. And she says, oh, I'm just here to give you options. There are a lot of tools in my toolbox. And I said, well, that's a good place for you to have tools. But, you know, the whole time it's like good cop, bad cop. But the reason I mention it here is because I got a mask on. The doctor's got a mask on. And, like, all of my usually very subtle body language is lost. I'm just angry-looking eyes, you know, in need of a haircut.

And I don't know. It just bugs me. If she's dead, I'll be sad. But I hope Billy shaved her before she died.

Alexsee well i think what you you do you have a dentist vet i don't think they necessarily

Merlinhave it's basically like having a mechanic when's the last time you took and i know john sarcusa disagrees with me because he's always the the good cop but like when's the last time you took your automobile to a mechanic and they said not only is your car fine but we're gonna give you money everything is fine there's always a problem if you call a plumber they're gonna find a problem. You take your fucking hairy ass dumb Van Dyke wearing piece of shit cat to the goddamn cat doctor.

And by the way, they also did that Walgreens thing where they're yelling my personal information which I don't like.

AlexOh my god. I'm very concerned about your vet.

MerlinAlex, I gotta find you this photo. I come into the place this morning I drop off the fucking cat at 9.30 and I drop off I bring in the cat and And I say, hi, my last name is Mann, here for a drop-off at 9.30. And so now we've got to go through the whole thing. There's the whole, oh, is this Savvy Mann? I was like, my name is Merlin Mann, and I have a cat.

AlexWell, that's par for the course.

MerlinGood cop, right? And then it's like, okay, let's just go over, and I want to check on the phone numbers we have for you. And I said, yes, you called me yesterday, so that same number is fine. So let me just, I said, look, the one that begins with 415, 555, that one. And she goes, oh, 415, 555, 1234.

AlexOh, my God. I'm talking like this.

MerlinAnd I'm throwing a shape. And the shape that I'm throwing is, please stop yelling things about my life in this place. They do this at Walgreens, and it makes me crazy. It makes me crazy. It makes me crazy. Anywhere where like I always think about Matt Honan and I think about like anytime somebody says, well, for your address, we have 1234 anything street. Is that right? And you're like, dude, I'm supposed to give you that. Not you give me that and say, is that right? Because if I was stealing this dumb guy's shit, I would say, well, of course that's right.

Anyway, this goes on. Now she's reading off my Google voice number and saying, I've also got 415-555-4321. Is that still a good number? And I said, that's fine.

AlexYou can take that off. Oh, is that a landline?

MerlinAnd I said, it is not. I'm speaking very quietly here. Anyway, the whole thing's a clusterfuck. The cat might be dead for all I know. And there'll probably be like a post-mortem feline fee, you know?

AlexOh, absolutely. Yes, they do that. For medical disposal. Oh, God. Yeah. Oh.

MerlinWell, the good thing is if we do have to put her down, it's going to cost practically nothing. She's really little. She's so disgusting. She's really, really gross. But, you know, maybe they'll put the ribbon on her. Who doesn't want to wear the ribbon? In which case, you know, I will get a photo.

AlexAnd, you know, I'll send it to you. Meow.

MerlinYeah. I think if we did get her a gravestone, you know, apropos of the challenge this week, The gravestone would just say, she was fine. She wasn't great. I wouldn't say she's beloved. I mean, she's fine.

AlexYou can use your 4K monitor as the tombstone. Oh, that's true.

MerlinOh, that would be so sweet. I'm going to send you. I was sitting in the office. Now, please do not read what it says on this bookshelf. But they did take the trouble to have a bookshelf made that is branded with. I'm sending it right now. branded with the name of this particular place. But I wanted to just show you some of the literature that's available in the lobby of our medical groomer.

AlexOh. Oh, my.

MerlinYeah, they have lots of books you can read. You can read your cat a book while you're waiting. And then they have lots of literature, how to feed a cat. How do I know if my cat is in pain? Feline house soiling. Vaccination. And you know every single one of these. You know these have got to be put out by either pet food companies or probably cat pharmaceutical companies. And I bet the last page of every single one of these is, you need cat lamictal and open heart surgery, nursing care for your cat, feline hyperthyroidism, feline anesthesia. What can I cash for my cat?

Alternatives to declawing.

AlexThis is, I mean, like I'm reading these and these are all like talking points and important things for your cat. Absolutely. But yeah, no, you've got like fuzzy pharma going on around here. Like, oh yeah, literally the bottom.

MerlinIs that P-H-U-Z-Z-Y?

AlexYes, I thought it was cute that I made that.

MerlinOh shit, dog, that's good.

AlexBut yeah, literally the bottom of these brochures are sponsored by, yeah, no, this is a one sheet handout for, and you know, my former lady man friend, he takes care of all of these issues and I will, I must share this with him.

MerlinCould you zoom in on, there's a small Lucite holder for business cards and all I really want you to read is the name of this company and then the deck describing what it is. Could you please zoom in on the business card with the roses?

AlexI have, I have.

MerlinWould you want to read those two lines to us?

Alexa gentle rest in home pet euthanasia which no thank you no no no i prefer she die here there's no atheists in foxholes alex and

Merlinthere's no uh there's no euthanasia in uh in this office oh my god i don't know if my cat is in pain feline pain management is the name of that one oh gosh it's just what a fucking racket anyway oh my god so i had half an edible and uh and a beverage and i recorded with syracuse

Alexi'm i'm glad that you got to have your substance to oh thank you am i on substances oh man well i've tried i've been trying i don't know why i'm suddenly so

Merlindisclosing about this thing that i was so bristly about when when we first had to do

Alexmarijuana challenge but we never did the marijuana challenge well you guys did you did that i did no i did and both you and max were like do you want to be known for that and i'm like honestly at this

Merlinpoint man but you know what it is it's just it's i know exactly what i'm in for and it's just very

Alexeasy to deal with you know what i'm saying oh yes yeah that's the i that one of the best parts about my current brain school actually is just, and I've probably said this before, not having to explain what GamerGate or doxing or swatting is because it's like, you don't want to have to talk about that every single day.

MerlinYeah, you got to be careful. You know, like I said, with travel stuff, you got to decide whose event it is and then how much agency you have over directing it. And sometimes, you know, you get to be the compliant bottom and just kind of come along for the ride and well, so to speak. and you do what everybody else is doing, probably without a mask.

AlexSo anyway, I should probably check

Merlinand see if I've gotten a call about my dead cat. Nothing yet. Still keep getting beeps with D&D on. That's kind of bumming me out.

AlexI mean, I'm saving the phone stuff for the after show, but I have so many questions because I had a similar situation. Well, you said you had to...

MerlinOh, shit. Yes, yes. Okay, so yes, we will talk about that. We will talk about that. And I had a heck of an experience at the Apple store yesterday. Woof.

AlexOh, I've been a beta cuck real bad this week. Oh, yeah, me too. I don't have any blockers for those, no.

MerlinI still want that universal control.

AlexOh, yeah. No, it's not going to happen. SharePlay is not going to happen.

MerlinDo you really think it's not?

AlexNo, I don't think it's going to happen.

MerlinI don't need SharePlay, but I want to use my iPad with the thing.

AlexThe iPad.

MerlinYeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

AlexI feel like I'm a very, like an apathetic, incidental computer show right now. But I'm so excited about all the little, you know, the big expensive event next week.

MerlinAnd now we're officially at that point where I've been playing with beta stuff for so long that I don't even remember, like, exactly what's new. But, like, my kid will look at my phone and just be like, wait, whoa, whoa, whoa, like, what is that? And let me just say, unsurprisingly, huge relief in our household that they changed the whole safari thing.

AlexOh, yes. That was like an actual panic.

MerlinBoth of them said independently, but you can turn it off, right?

AlexAnd I was like, I hope so.

MerlinIt's really bad. We got some stuff to talk about. We got a challenge. I had some stuff in here, but I see here under news and topics. did you try to dissolve your ego

Alexoh yeah maybe we should say for the well okay

Merlinno no that's fine we can also talk about pilot youtube and Lulu Miller Lulu Miller

AlexLulu Miller what a treasure my gosh

Merlinmy goodness I slept on that because you kept talking I'm Alex check out Lulu Miller

Alexfish fish fish

Merlinand then I listened to that podcast on the media, we'll put it in show notes, on the media episode, interview with her from last year. Oh my god, like I said, when I texted you on the internet. My gosh, what a terrific episode, and what a like, and like her whole thing, well, which I imagine is kind of your whole thing with this book, is like, it just blew my mind open. Before I even get to the queer stuff, and the chaos stuff, just the like, oh my, I'd never thought quite, it had never been explained to me quite so clearly

that there's a science stuff of like the physics and maths of the world. And then there's this whole area of science where we just made a bunch of arbitrary decisions and acted like it's real. And then ranked them. We ranked species. I had no idea that that was a thing. Yep. Yep. I mean, you know, it's going to

Alexbe a great story when someone asks Lulu Miller, so is now the time to bring up Hitler?

MerlinThat was so there was two very funny Brooke lines. One of them was, is this a good time to bring up hitler and the other one is like i a phrase had just gone through my head when they were describing the not i mean it was the sterilization of people but just the the description of this of this whole process of like well science demands that because your mother is a prostitute we have to sterilize you and a phrase went through my head and like as the phrase was still going through my

head brooke goes that's gross and i thought the same thing i thought that is just gross i i i jumped in hard here we can talk about your ego we can talk about the pilot um but do you want to give people a uh a whistle stop uh lulu miller lulu miller introduction

Alexum uh oh like wait a whistle stop as in where it should start well okay so she's the uh she's on

MerlinAnd she's on Radiolab.

AlexShe initially, yeah, she was like of the class of, you know, This American Life interns that graduated to WNYC. And she co-hosted Invisibilia for a while.

MerlinOh, I love that show.

AlexAnd now she is actually one of the new co-hosts of Radiolab.

MerlinDid Crow Witch leave?

AlexOh, yeah. He retired. He was.

MerlinHe's in the They Might Be Giants documentary.

AlexOh, that's right.

MerlinI was delighted to see him in that. Now, is he canceled or it's just Bob Garfield that's canceled, right?

AlexI think it's just Bob Garfield. That was the other thing that I loved about.

MerlinWell, there's a lot. WNYC has some stuff going on, I think.

AlexIt's like the Harvey Weinstein thing of it's like, yeah, no, we know. We all knew. You're just paying attention this time.

MerlinI really like Robert Crowe, which I don't want him to be canceled. I like him.

AlexOh, well, see, he got out. He didn't live long enough to become the villain. Oh, I see. He retired and was like, bye-bye.

MerlinI see. Bye-bye. Go home to mommy. But you had been talking about this book. Lulu Miller has, as far as I can tell, a single book out, and it is called Why Fish Don't Exist, which, okay, let's be honest. Well, first of all, I already really like the podcast called No Such Thing as a Fish, but Why Fish Don't Exist sounds like a terrible, turns out book.

AlexMm-hmm. And yeah, yeah. And even she admits like it's pretty cringe until you read the book. And that's why I didn't get into that podcast for a while. Not Why Fish. Gosh, I always do this. Oh, it's just Fish Don't Exist, right?

MerlinI think it's called Why Fish Don't Exist.

AlexNo, no, no. The podcast that's also like a turns out but not turns out.

MerlinOh, No Such Thing as a Fish.

AlexThere we go. Thank you.

MerlinGo listen. Listen. I posted this on the internet yesterday. The link will go away soon. Go listen to probably the episode before last, but they have a segment on lichens that is so in your fucking wheelhouse. Just trust me on this.

AlexWhat's a lichen? Is that a shit? It's like a mossy thing.

MerlinIt's like a mossy-ish thing. But that's all you need to know. All you need to know. It's got a human component and it's got a fascinating nature sure is crazy component to it.

AlexI, okay. Yeah, nope. Totally. My wheelhouse.

MerlinSo we had this in reverse. We had this.

AlexNo such thing as a semen chest. What? That's the one.

MerlinThat's the one. And that is a time stamp to segment number three, which is very good. And it's about lichens.

AlexSemen chest. Sorry.

MerlinAnd it's that segment where they have fun with that phrase. that's just a good time oh man put that into notes as well so this is like my daughter and me with chevy chase what i'm calling the 90 10 inversion which is like she knows old chevy chase 90 of what she knows about chevy chase is old chevy chase on the community 90 of what i know

Alexabout chevy chase is not old chevy chase really oh oh i'm sorry sorry like old as in age not older work. Gotcha, gotcha. He's a bald Danny.

MerlinYeah, but so is that what happened here where you're like, Pfft, Lulu Miller, you know, Simpsons already did it. Lulu Miller already did Fish Talk. I don't want to hear English people talk about facts. Was that your thought?

AlexI think so. It was more of, it was more of like, this is just Radiolab with fewer steps, right? But no, it's a good

Merlinshow, I think. What? No such thing as Fish? Yeah, yeah. Oh, it's a fantastic show. It's a super good Friday listen. Highly recommended. Really delightful. So basically it's these, I feel like I'm really repeating myself a lot lately, which makes me think I'm repeating myself. But there's a show in England called QI, which is short for quite interesting. And it's like one of those quiz shows that's, it's almost like You Bet Your Life, where it's, yes, it's a quiz show, but it's mainly a chance for David Mitchell to be very funny.

And some of the researchers for that show have a podcast where they talk about the most interesting fact they've come across this week. And then they all sort of build on that and they have a lot of fun with it and they make, you know, semen jokes.

AlexIt's absolutely wild to me how much. No, it's a bit. No, I won't. I'm really glad that the BBC and the CBC really exist because we sure don't have anything like that here. Our WNYC is, you know, an NPR situation. I'm just glad that they have money to make nice things because, yeah.

MerlinYeah, well, you got to pay a fee for your television over there.

AlexYeah, I don't want to sound – which is the bad one, envious or jealous? I don't know.

MerlinI think this is expensive and costly all over again. I think I have a distinction that's almost exactly wrong. I think when I tend – when I say the thing most of us mean, I prefer the word envious.

I'm envious of you having a chance to go to brain school. Oh, so that was my point. was I wonder, so what you miss in live interaction, it's cool, though, that you can see expressions because nobody's wearing a mask. That's how the cat thing, the cat derail started.

AlexOh, wow. That's what I was going to say about that.

MerlinBecause if you're in person, you're all wearing a mask, right?

AlexYeah, yeah. Well, when you're in person, yes, you are wearing masks.

MerlinBut you're all crazy, so you're not making eye contact.

AlexYeah, that's the thing.

MerlinAnd so, but tell me, Neil, the part I'd love you to fill in here, and I really do recommend you listen to this episode of On the Media. It's really good. There's kind of just two sections to it. The one is Lulu Miller and talking about basically her journey with learning about, I think she came at it through this very interesting guy who wanted to take like the work of Linnaeus and like go forward with that and like all the different kinds of things and start giving them names and binomial nomenclature and all that.

And what was the other one about? The other story is about, um,

AlexOh, it's about, it's about Dewey Decimal. How fucked up Dewey.

MerlinI had no idea. 90% of religion is Protestant.

AlexYeah. Oh yeah.

MerlinWhoa. Obama doesn't go with the presidents. He goes with the civil rights. Jesus Christ.

AlexYep, yep, yep.

MerlinBut the part I would love if you can say, the part that sounds really cool is, what's the part that's like a personal and memoir part? Is it about meeting her partner? It's about, she says that it is also about trying to put order on chaos. Would it be a spoiler for you to describe what that is in the book?

AlexOh, see, I'm actually genuinely torn about it because there are certain things.

MerlinI bought it with money, So I'm going to read it, but I just I thought maybe you could tickle the the reading bone for people.

AlexThe well, there's I mean, spoiler, she turns gay. But like, that's not really the point of it.

MerlinThere's probably because of teachers, right? Teachers that made her gay, that kind of thing.

AlexYes. Because of teachers, there was a satanic ritual.

MerlinThe clergy tried the clergy tried to keep her straight as an arrow. But it's those liberal union teachers. you know reading writing and finger banging

Alexare are you so you weren't familiar with uh david star jordan before before this right that's the taxonomy guy yes yes no not at all i never heard his name neither neither had i um but it turned it's it's just um i i think the reason they put the the on the media episode is great because uh david star jordan the sub kind of the subject of a lulu miller's book was like

really yay eugenics but people don't really know he was yay eugenics the few people who know who he

Merlinwas you hear eugenics and you think of like hitler and wagner but this dude was in like

Alexindiana yep yep yep yep and there are indeed some hitlery things and some perhaps murdery things like i that's the thing you try oh so you don't know about the stanford thing i i they mentioned

Merlinvery quickly in passing that somebody may or may not have killed i think a colleague or something

Alexyeah like i could tell the whole story of this book and the writing of it is just so brilliant that like it wouldn't matter but just some of the huge shits oh but he he came he came to it by

MerlinShe makes such a great point. She has so many good things to say that even the stuff, the kind of stuff she just drops on the floor in passing. Like talking about how people who become collectors or who get into these taxonomy things, it often can be after some kind of a sort of traumatic event as a way to bring order to your life and the thrill you get of adding something new to the collection and all that. I was like, oh, that's super interesting. Well, it's sort of like, I mean, okay, I'm going to say something sexist, even though I, well, it's true, but it's sexist.

AlexIt's just locker room talk. Go on.

MerlinIt's just, you know, it was a different time a minute ago. But I've known a lot of women in particular who would do something with their hair after a breakup. They cut it off. They dye it. They do something. I know there's dude versions of that. But I think in my case, like I clean sometimes. When I'm feeling stressed out, I want, like you've heard me say probably, I need to control a small area. And so that resonated with me. I think there are I think when we've had something traumatic or pseudo traumatic happen, I think it's very natural to want to do something that lets you have control agency and a sense of order.

AlexOh, dude. So wait. OK, this this isn't a spoiler because it happens.

MerlinAnd then his fish is all his fish fell down and they lost the tags.

Alexall the fish fell down and the tags but but the other like inciting incident for her even writing this book was a breakup from like i don't know she'd been with this guy for like seven years um and that's at the very beginning and like the the way that um i mean she alludes to it in the interview she did just like how you know she started this book trying to find or order in her own chaos and uh i also like reading it what also resonates is the obsession and comfort that

comes with that obsession and compulsion to like you know you're one minute you're cleaning and the next you're like forcing chemical castration on people i know that's but she does it in a way

Merlinthat doesn't sound slippery slopey was he also the guy who said every species is a thought of god i don't know huh one of the people i feel like it might have been that guy but that the part of and this is what but it's the slip i mean slippery slope we ever use that term but to go from it would be neat to know like how many kinds of beetles there are and what the differences are to go from that to like well what let's learn what is a beetle and what is not a beetle and going further

to that of like well here's a rule that everybody has to follow now about what's not a beetle and but then on top of it all to go and here's all the things that are better or worse than beetles that's because now when but like it is a slippery slope just in that sense of where frog and water turns out whatever the thing of like well this started in this one place and it ended up someplace completely different. And if you just start with point A and end with point Z, it sounds nuts, but there's no single step in that progression that doesn't make sense,

especially at the time and for that point of view. I thought it was fascinating.

AlexIt's, I would say even you might actually enjoy, I don't know if you're an audiobook person, but her voice is just so pleasant and I've read the book and listened to it and it's she's hot

Merlinshe is hot I didn't want to say it

AlexI feel bad for the dude she dumped that's not bad for everyone Alex I mean oh gosh may live an interesting time oh my god we've been talking for an hour oh dig dug transition

Merlinno it hasn't really been an hour has it

AlexIt's been, wait, no, it's been, I know I started recording.

MerlinFive zero, five zero minutes. Oh, okay. So, okay, real quick, though, just real quick, real quick, because I actually don't have much for the challenge, personally. Do you have good stuff for the challenge?

AlexA little bit, yeah.

MerlinDid you, the pilot guy video?

AlexThe pilot guy video. You, you.

MerlinAm I being mean? Am I being horrible?

AlexNo, no, no, no, no. You, so you kind of pulled a cocks. were just out of nowhere texted me something random. And I am always thirsty for that.

MerlinWhat did I say?

AlexOh, gosh, I don't even remember. I just looked at the video.

MerlinOkay, let me go look. So looking at my private text channel with Alexandra.

AlexAh, there's Marco. Oh, ah, the peacock.

MerlinIsn't that great?

AlexI forgot about that picture.

MerlinI'll put that on Slack. Oh, so what I did was, and see, I need to learn where text goes alongside photos and videos because I get it wrong a lot. So I texted to you a YouTube video. And what I said was, if I can quote myself, I can. The longer this video goes on, the more I think this guy has never actually left the house. And what this is, is a practical, real-world review. I don't want to drag this guy, but maybe I was just in a certain weird mood. But he's reviewing this bag that gets good reviews for being a pilot-style, like, carry-on bag.

and it's a pretty cool bag it's like you can do lots of different things with it it's got pieces and parts you can put it together you can like it's a really it's a cool looking bag but it's one of those like you know what it is alex it's sort of like the zooming in thing where it drives me crazy that all i want you to do is look at this one thing and all you see is everything that's not that thing this guy thinks he's doing a review of a bag did i mention he's dressed as a pilot

AlexHe's dressed as a pilot, and the thumbnail has the goggles.

MerlinBut you see why I put the picture of Leonardo DiCaprio in our document? Because he's no Frank Avagnale.

AlexNo. I don't think he's going to.

MerlinThis guy, I mean, first of all, learn to tie a tie. If you're going to wear a pilot tie, and if you're going to have wings, it shouldn't look like the ones that I was given in 1974 for flying on a plane. But just there's so much.

AlexThat was a real thing that happened? Oh, my.

MerlinThey used to give you little wings.

AlexOh, I thought that was just like an apocryphal, like, oh, the old, oh, kind of, I got wings.

MerlinNo, it was really sweet. They were so nice to you. But I started watching because I was like, oh, this bag looks cool. And so I did my usual thing. I did a search on YouTube, and I went, bap, bap, bap, bap, bap.

AlexOh, oh, sidebar, sidebar. So wait, you learned about this bag in advance and started looking for it? Yeah.

MerlinHow did I discover? This is a part of my, this might be a challenge someday. Because people do ask about it and seem to find it interesting. How do you navigate the world of deciding what thing you want to get? And I didn't realize until somebody asked me about it, but I actually do have a four-step process.

AlexOh, shit, dog.

MerlinFor vetting things.

AlexHow long have we known each other? And you know how horny I am for vet. Oh, my God. Shit. Oh, yeah.

MerlinAbsolutely. All right.

AlexI call myself down. Can you write that down? Yep. Writing that down.

MerlinTiny, tiny pen. Force to bed. Partially put the pen partway in. A tiny, tiny pen. Okay. So for the second part, let's just say it came up on, I don't know, that you might also like on Amazon. And so I did jump straight into some of my step four, which is the looking at fake spot and review meta. It seemed copacetic mostly. And so I just went. And like I say, I just go do a YouTube search. I type in or paste in the name of the thing. And then I go dip, dip, dip, dip, dip. And add a bunch of stuff to watch later. So I can sit on my television in my home.

And I started with this guy's video. And sometimes you just watch something and you're like, this feels weird. Did it feel weird? Did it feel weird? Wait.

AlexSo did you also watch this on a big screen? I mean, you have a theater. But you have a nice big TV. So you watch this in four games?

MerlinWhen I watch YouTube, well, so generally, I mean, sometimes, like the John Mulaney interview with Seth Meyers, I watched on my sidecar iPad.

AlexOh, we, I didn't want to talk about that, but I kind of, oh, I have so many hot takes.

MerlinAre you mad? Are you mad at him?

AlexNo. I think the people are fucking psychotic, like an actual lack of empathy.

MerlinWhy? Are people mad at him or something?

AlexYeah, because they hate Olivia Munn or something.

MerlinWhy do you hate Olivia Munn? I don't know.

AlexShe said she made fun of fat people. I think at one time I have truly have no idea. But I just want to put that Seth Meyer video in notes because, God, it's so good.

MerlinSave it for Karma Suck Corner. It's such a good video.

AlexI love that guy. I cried. It was beautiful.

MerlinI got a really nice series of DMs from a pal of mine. Well, you know, I'll tell you later. So I thought, OK, this bag is cool. And what is it that's cool about this bag? Well, it looks like a lot of these kinds of bags, like, you know, Briggs & Riley type roller bag, like a well-made roller bag. But it's cool because it's got lots of pockets and lots of flexibility. So you can, like, unzip the whole back of it, unzip the whole front of it. Guess what? Now that's a new mini bag. You can do all this cool stuff with it. And it looks really rugged.

AlexThis is like an AP course on, like, a bag in a bag.

MerlinOh, I'm glad you said it.

AlexThis is a 300 level. It's great.

MerlinYeah, yeah. And it's actually in the crazy part, it's not actually all that costly. But I was like, I don't really need this. But I'm always looking. I'm interested in bags. I can listen to people talk about bags.

AlexWell, I mean, you got to use it to hit an old lady. Yeah.

MerlinOr hit an old lady. You can keep one cable in this pocket and a second cable in that pocket. Oh, do you have a pocket for your expired maps and two sets of headphones? Because you're a pilot, definitely.

AlexMm-hmm. Definitely a real, real pilot.

MerlinOkay. I don't want to be an asshole. I just thought this whole thing was so bizarre. And I didn't, I was having too much fun with it to go and find out if he is actually some kind of somebody who's learning how to fly. But the way he kept talking about it as though he flies commercially as a pilot all the time, I got a feeling he doesn't. It seemed like he was just wearing an outfit, Alex.

AlexYeah. Okay.

MerlinHis maps expired, Alex. I think if you're a commercial pilot, you shouldn't have expired maps and not realize it until you're on screen in your YouTube feed and go, oh, that one's expired.

AlexHave you visited? So you didn't visit the website?

MerlinThis is why you're here, Alex.

AlexIt's only going to give you more questions.

MerlinAlex, you're here because I knew you would zoom in. I don't zoom in. What would you like to share with the class? And we're not here to drag this guy. We're not even going to talk. Well, I guess you can find it. But he put it out there. I didn't do anything.

AlexOh, God. Well, so immediately I go to this page that was made in 1999, perhaps. No, maybe 2001.

MerlinOh, so it's like Netscape compliant?

AlexYeah, yeah. This will definitely run on Internet Explorer, like five. But it's Arrow. He calls himself the Arrow Nerd.

MerlinOh, no. Are we punching down? We're punching down, aren't we?

AlexNo, but here's the thing. That is what I was worried about when I watched this video. I'm like, am I just being like a real dick about this?

MerlinI'm not trying to expose this guy. I just want to articulate how fucking weird, how fucking weird this video felt to me. And I could not precisely put my finger on why it felt so weird. All he wants is to have the Velcro included. He shouldn't have to pay extra to have Velcro.

AlexIt's very...

MerlinVelcro operates because it's got two layers.

AlexI genuinely... What?

MerlinWhat? You have to take a little little side excursion on your flight to tell me about what Velcro is.

AlexOh, God. As I was watching this, I'm like, what must it be like if this guy is on a plane? If you are a flight attendant or God forbid he interacts with a real pilot.

MerlinAnd like like Frank Abagnale learned. And I did put I put I put catch me if you can into notes. but I do recommend his I mean he's the way he is he's a performer but his Google tech talk Frank Abagnale is the guy that Leonardo DiCaprio plays in Catch Me If You Can which I think is a terrific movie I think Leo's great in that it's fun just that amazing

Alexunderrated performance from Tom Hanks too

Merlinabsolutely underrated Tom Hanks but also it's that like the whole story and like his background and stuff is really interesting what he managed to pull off and then pull off again is amazing but i also think it's fun just for the trade craft of how he learned how to make a real looking check from like uh was it eastern or pan am and how he learned uh like how to make a make a fake id and like how he learned like where he could get a uniform it's it's a it's

Alexa fascinating story if i mean if i i feel like one thing that our listeners have in common with us is they're also often horny for logistics. Oh, God, yes. And that is basically this movie for me.

MerlinThat should be our offshoot podcast, Horny for Logistics.

AlexMm-hmm. Constantly and forever.

MerlinWet for process.

AlexOkay, my main thing, and what doesn't make me feel, I have very complicated feelings about the term punching down.

MerlinThis is an African-American man who's full of beans.

AlexWhat? That doesn't matter.

MerlinWell, I worry. I worry that we're trying to drag, drag, drag the black pilot.

AlexThat's like, you just did a Mac and Dennis. It's an old man. Is it an old man or a black old man? That's two things. It doesn't matter. It doesn't matter.

MerlinAt first, when Frank said that, I thought Frank was the one that was going to sleep with him. Old black man is also in an episode of Community. I love old black man.

AlexHe's very funny. Yeah, he's...

MerlinHe lays across the bottom like a dog.

AlexStop saying the least.

MerlinYou're eating the dog. Newsflash, asshole.

AlexAnyways. Well, the... I will say that when you go to this website, one of the drop-downs is courses and pricing.

MerlinOh, interest for... Courses for what?

AlexExactly. And then you can click on a private course page, instrument course page, or commercial course page. And, of course, I've gone to both. And they all just say sign up with a question, already a member, log in.

MerlinMaybe he has one of these for lots of different kinds of trades.

AlexThat's the thing. I don't know what the fuck is happening. And, of course, he has a Patreon.

MerlinWould you like to become a locksmith? Would you like to become a Hanso sword crafter? Maybe he's got a whole bunch of these that are all just, probably not Squarespace, but Wix maybe. Some kind of roll your own WordPress.com site.

Hot as stories on pilot classes.

AlexGod, I think I need to back this guy on Patreon.

MerlinIs it in notes? Where is it?

AlexI don't think so. Schedule a flight review here. What does that mean?

MerlinOh, flight review, huh?

AlexOh, my God. And these images have to be stock footage, right? Or like all of them. This is like the not even.

MerlinOh, my goodness. Yes.

AlexLook at this guy impersonating a pilot. It's got like a guy impersonating someone who is being a pilot for Halloween.

MerlinDid you see in the upper left? He's still got the Google site verification.

AlexYep. Yep. I thought I was like, oh, what's I must have some weird tracking thing on. Nope.

MerlinAlex, please confirm for our audience that you literally just sent this to me and I'm seeing it for the first time.

AlexI literally just sent it to you. You are seeing it for the first time.

MerlinPlease view source. It's a Wix.com site.

AlexNo!

Merlinokay schedule a flight review here oh look at that 3D it just lifts right off the page oh yeah instrument rating and then there's oh look view course affordable oh wait there's him holding up money oh there's him holding up money oh the referral program

Alexoh no get scheduled now hang on hang on

Merlinlet me just make sure you get this

Alexokay I hit get scheduled now and it opened my alternative browser brave i do i have something set to like email default no no what okay well clearly i think you got hacked yeah yeah there's something have you tried have you tried vivaldi yet no oh no is that the browser it's cool oh oh that's a nice name yeah that's a beautiful name um challenge this week's challenge was inspired by a i believe the uh fives list you made of

unreasonable demands for your death i think i should be in the doc something like that i this

Merlinwas much more of a dead end than i anticipated um i thought this was going to go more places that five site is a good site i should i should make sure that that's preserved somewhere um because it's real screwed up and the WordPress is, please don't hurt my site. I don't think I even know how to log in anymore. Just go on Wix. wix have a I just go have a think

Alexthat

Merlinyou

Alexyou Professionals are using it.

MerlinOur thanks to Wix for supporting Do By Friday and all the great shows. That's where it started. So I thought it'd be funny to come up with some, so I'll read this in a second because I don't have that much extra to add, but it was December 11, 2002, five requests with regard to my eventual death.

AlexOh, too soon.

MerlinOh, I never forget.

AlexYeah, yeah.

MerlinDecember 11th. It was the 11th of December. Do, do, do, do. And I just thought that would be fun. And now I think it's kind of stupid. And I don't really have anything very good. But the idea was to come up with some incredibly, some stupid, it could be needy, could be egregious. Many of mine are extremely violent.

AlexWhat? Okay. All right.

MerlinYeah. What should happen after you die? The thing is, there's a lot of people talk about this, you know, the legacy stuff. You have my passwords. I would like to, as ever, as in, he died as he lived, a tremendous burden. And I would like to, you know, instead of making it easy on people, I would like to make it a lot more, I would like to make it basically an endurance event. You know, some kind of grand genial pentathlon of just a lot of blood and pain,

which there's probably a German phrase for.

AlexOh, for sure. Blutton Pond or something. There's a lot of porn, murder porn of, oh, American. I don't want to spoil American Horror Story. But the thing.

MerlinAmerican Horror Story or American Crime Story?

AlexNo, American Horror Story. I'm very excited for American Crime Story, though. Sarah Paulson as a tip, right? Yeah.

MerlinIt's very well acted. It's pretty breezy. But Jesus fucking Christ, Sarah Paulson is so goddamn good.

AlexShe is. Oh, I mean.

MerlinI mean, in addition to being unrecognizable, like, you know, I guess she does a better Linda Tripp than John Goodman did. We had a lot of fun with that. But I thought it was funny at the time. I was horrible. And now, you know, I'm trying to be less so. Hey, listen, I give money to your wrong about. So I'm paying my way out of this. Consider it an indulgence.

She's a maligned woman.

AlexOh, God.

MerlinNot her, but Monica. Beanie Feldstein, is that her name? I love her so much.

AlexShe, yeah, books, the not gay one from Booksmart. Oh my God, I love that movie so much. It's so good.

MerlinOh, the other thing I wanted to ask you real quick before I forget, related to pilots. How far in are you on the other two?

AlexOn the other two? Of his videos?

MerlinSo if you tell me that you have not at all watched any of the TV show The Other Two, it would make me very happy because I think that would be a good challenge. have you watched any of the TV shows the other two?

AlexOh, no. Never heard of it. Got it. Got it. Thank you. Save it for the show. You go to patreon.com

Merlinslash Dubai Friday or giveusyourfuckingmoney.com because we need it.

AlexYes, please.

MerlinAnd we're going to talk about all these things. Put a pin in that. Could you please write down the three words? The other two. Would you write that down, please?

AlexYes. The other two.

MerlinDon't Google it.

AlexA whole page. Well, I was about to, but two and a half men

MerlinI'm going to pitch you on this. Well, you remember there's all those times where like like i feel like three times a year you say to me holy shit how did i never know about this yeah halt and catch fire which is oh yes this is maybe not quite a halt and catch fire uh but we'll talk about in the after show uh your death my my death my are we circling back to my

Alexdeath um oh i just i thought not ego death didn't succeed on that one but oh that's a shame well you can always try again you know i know yeah yeah i am well but now i'm 31 and it's like are you

Merlinpenalized for guessing do you imagine i don't know like if you like you come at the king oh jeez too soon oh too soon yeah oh no no that's michael b jordan no no not michael b jordan who's uh who's the chess guy the chess guy is uh is uh is barksdale the young barksdale no he's the one who teaches Michael B. Jordan how to play chess.

AlexAh, fuck. I don't know.

MerlinOmar was not involved with the chess.

AlexI, oh, oh, it was, um, you're right.

MerlinYou come at the king. Yeah, it's, it's, uh, Avon? Not Avon, but.

AlexNo, the kid.

MerlinBodhi? No, Bodhi.

AlexIt might be Bodhi. Yeah.

MerlinYou come at the king, you best not miss.

AlexOh, God.

MerlinOh, what a great scene. It's a good-ass show.

AlexAnyway, have you heard The Wire?

MerlinI'll never hear Farmer and the Dell quite the same again.

Alexoh oh oh too soon oh man god that breaks my fucking heart yeah that was sad uh anyway dying

Merlindying i don't ruminate a lot about death i'm much more concerned with other things i'm much more concerned about my my my my past traumas than my future death i figured that that'll be fucking cakewalk just fucking die like my cat's gonna probably be dead let me check my phone I don't see anything.

AlexI mean, well, as we've talked about this show, there are certain thoughts that I've had where I didn't realize that was not a mentally healthy thing to think. So I just also try not to think about death too much in terms of, except I do not want to be a burden post-mortem.

MerlinBut it's like the weather. Like, what are you going to do?

AlexExactly. Right, right. And the answer for me is, well, I'm still supposed to make a will. I don't really know how to do that. I'll be Googling that. It is making sure my spouse has all of my password.

MerlinMaybe you can incorporate. No, come on. Don't.

AlexWhat?

MerlinYou've already given that enough.

AlexWhat?

MerlinNow it's your time. You're never going to get to retire, so you might as well get to die with a lack of dignity.

AlexOh, well, that's the thing. I have a feeling that my death is going to be funny no matter when or where.

Merlin100%.

AlexIt's going to be funny.

MerlinIt's going to be the kind of thing where as I'm dying, I'm going to think, I wish this were an autoerotic asphyxiation because it would actually be more dignified. It's going to be something where like, you know what it's going to be? I'm going to trip on a croc because crocs don't move. They don't slide. It's so easy to trip on a croc. And I have enough of them that then it'll become apparent that he actually had six crocs.

I got office crocs and I got house crocs. I got some Crocs that don't go outside.

AlexI can't. Oh, really? You've got an indoor?

MerlinI will not wear them with a fox. I will not wear them with a box. I will not wear these dark black professional Crocs.

AlexOh, my God. I can't stop picturing a corpse amongst a bunch of Crocs.

MerlinMaybe. Okay, here's my first one. My first one is I want it to be an open casket where you can see how ghastly I am, and I want you to put a single Croc on my face.

AlexWell, are these the professional Crocs? Are these the ones with holes?

MerlinIs it professional Crocs? These are the kind of Crocs that a chef or a medical professional would wear. They're not open Crocs, and they do have sports mode, in case you need to run through the hospital or kitchen.

AlexYes, yes. I have sports mode, but mine are not professional. So your bloated corpse would be a little bit obscured by the Crocs, right?

MerlinAnd actually, if you can make me look even fatter and wetter, I'll be super into it. Give me extra jowl and then kind of push my head forward a little bit, that little satin box. Oh, number two, you're not allowed to play any of this at the funeral.

AlexOkay, okay, go on.

MerlinTo have a good laugh because Merlin would have liked that. No, I wouldn't. Fuck you guys. You didn't even play my tape.

AlexGo on, go on.

MerlinBut you think you'll die absurd, huh?

AlexAbsolutely.

Merlinmishap some kind of a mishap something where you should have known better maybe

Alexit'll be a mis no it'll be something where I did know better but refused to listen for example to like hacking a scoot scoot to make it go faster or like

Merlinor like Patty Harrison and her tables like the kind of thing you know tables heat my house you know what I'm saying have you not watched it yet have you still not watched it

Alexno I haven't but I I do know what you were. I know.

MerlinBut some way, some way very, very absurd. Like you're turning around to find why it is that it looks like Eddie Munster through your tables in a mud puddle. Like and then you crash and you're dead.

AlexOr like I can especially see myself somehow setting my house on fire. Oh, God, yes. Too many. Yeah. Like that is there's a reason I'm not allowed to turn on the oven. And like, you know.

MerlinThere's a reason I'm not allowed to turn on the oven.

AlexWell, it involves a microwave, an Easy Mac, and it just...

MerlinOh, too soon.

AlexToo soon.

MerlinDid you do an absolute paint job?

AlexNo. Listen, sometimes...

MerlinIf I do an absolute paint job, believe me, you're going to know it. You used to small a slice on the mud pie.

AlexOh, yeah. Well, I'm not allowed to touch a plunger anymore now either.

MerlinTell me about that. I was using a plunger just a minute ago.

AlexI mean, they're versatile tools.

MerlinYou can't use it for anything?

AlexWell, I mean, that hasn't been discussed.

MerlinOff limits. Alex, Alex, leave it. Leave it. I'm really good with plunger. I'm so good at plunger.

AlexWell, I mean, as long as I don't move to Texas, I probably won't need it for anything, for multiple reasons.

MerlinOh, interesting.

Alexboy what's going on in that place oh my god it's really scary so death um you're you so you're set

Merlinon a casket then oh i don't know i just want it to be incredibly uncomfortable and again like this goes straight but it's funny though i realize you you need to go set aside some time and really sit through and watch the entire season too of i think you should leave but like think about how many wonderful bits like the season you've seen. You've seen season one totally, right?

AlexMany, many, many times, yes.

MerlinExactly, right. But think how much of his humor not only involves death, but literally involves a funeral. I have to go over there and sing a song.

AlexIt's funny.

MerlinFred Willard? I'll play her up. That's not necessary, New Jo. Now, remember the old organist, the woman who couldn't make it because she's under the weather, is Peg. Peg is the name of the organist. The replacement organist is named New Joe. I don't know if that's continuity, but it's super fun to me. And then have you seen The Coffins yet in season two?

AlexNo, no. I haven't seen any of season two. Not at all? No, no. Oh, my God. Well, because I want to be able to watch it in one sitting as I did the first season.

MerlinHave half an edible, half an edible.

Alexhalf of half of an edible uh who's to say what's in that edible and just uh enjoy it um yeah you're really supposed to cover up the mirrors but i i am i realized a casket is it's too it's too easy like if you want to really inconvenience people they usually they usually don't list the cause

Merlinof death. Shut up. Get him out of here. Tiny, dinky, daffy. Pancake by drunk dump truck.

AlexHold on, hold on.

MerlinAll right, go, go.

AlexSo you're not familiar with the whitest kids you know, right? That needs to be a future challenge because it's just, oh, God.

MerlinWhere would I find that? Is that like a Comedy Central or a YouTube thing?

AlexI don't even know, actually. I will find, I mean, it was.

MerlinHow did you find them?

AlexI truly do not remember. It's one of those things.

MerlinIt's because you're a scene kid and you're like always going to the comedy shows?

AlexNo, no, no, no, no. Oh, God. Well, okay. Do you? How did you get into Saturday Night Live? Do you remember that?

MerlinYeah. I had a sleepover at Darren's house when we watched it one night.

AlexOh, fine. Okay, fine, fine, fine. I'm sure it was like I.

MerlinI can remember the exact episode. I can remember the exact episode. It might have been Steve Martin. Well, I remember one of the fake commercials was for a Hot Wheels style thing called Meat Wagon. And it was about one of the film segments from season one or so. And it's about an ambulance. And it was funny. It made me laugh.

AlexHow'd you learn about starting to laugh? Look at us now. I don't remember. I just has always been there.

MerlinDid you watch Exit 57 and the other one? No. Sorry. what's the one with our friends from wet hot that's i know this shit shit uh the state the

Alexyeah yeah okay oh did you watch the state when you were a youngster yes well no not no not when i was a youngster like i i wasn't cool enough well no no but like i was saying like we were

Merlinwatching wet hot we watched wet hot i don't know at least twice a month so we're watching wet hot night before last oh my god i love that movie so much i just i uh every time christopher maloney's funnier oh my god get them taters every single time you gotta fondle his sweaters

Alexwelcome to dubai friday the same references i will i we where we talk about david wayne

Merlinour patron saint um but i wondered like because that's around the time i think that he started on svu and i was wondering like i wonder if there's any kind of pollution you know the way like john c reilly kind of plays it's not that he's ashamed of it but plays down the tim and eric stuff yeah He's like an Academy Award nominated actor, I think. And he didn't want that to be the top thing on his CV.

He's Steve Bruhl.

AlexDr. Steve Bruhl.

MerlinSorry. But I wonder if that was company interference. Now, here's what's funny though. I was watching this and I'm just like, oh, fucking Ken Marino. Ken Marino, also in the other two. And Party Down. And he's always doing the same character and it's always perfect. But I was thinking it's so funny because I know Adam. I've heard Adam talk about the state a lot. And I became aware of X57 because of Amy Sedaris. I did watch and love Kids in the Hall in reruns. I adored it in reruns on Comedy Central.

But it's so funny. It's like when the Mr. Show joke about like we're from different generations. You know, I'm into Star Wars and you like that Empire Strikes Back shit. It's like if I were two or three years younger even, I think I just missed my window. I never saw any of those shows.

AlexThat makes, yeah, no, that actually makes a lot of sense.

MerlinBut now, I mean, I love those actors. I mean, everybody, Michael Showalter is just, he's so goddamn funny in that movie. Oh, my God. And David Wayne, remember David Wayne sent us the sound?

AlexThe, I, I was about to say, when.

MerlinI think about it all the time.

AlexWell, and I – this is creepy, but I'll say I have re-listened to his appearances on Mac Power Users a couple times, I think, because it's not –

MerlinFind out how he deals with PDFs and all the paper.

AlexWell, and it's just – I will admit, yes, it's creepy.

MerlinWhat kind of scanner do you use, Director David Wayne? I was about to tell you how I write really funny comics. What about your scanner?

Alexlisten if that's what that 30 second button is for in overcast to get through that okay and but i know no i just really like listening to um how he works and writes especially on set and

Merlinespecially with like it's interesting to work with funny people he's he he and um i i had a

Alexnever mind you can you okay no dumb flex dumb flex but no it's not a dumb flex because you

Merlinhappen to be friends with someone he and his writing partner had a very mature process for how they used that i was found extremely impressive with how they would write children's hospital yeah in google docs it was it's incredibly fascinating and very grown up and like not fiddly and not like minimalist it's just they just fucking do their work and just try to avoid

Alexfinal draft as much as possible oh god i in those i don't know if uh you know you want you want to talk about your weird flex i don't know if you've talked about a final draft with them personally

Merlinbut like they almost downplay it did i had a call i did i had a call with the the three of us had a call about that and we opportunities for improvement really david wayne is fantastic and i love him very much michael showalter brilliant joe low joe low shows up out of nowhere and that my kid was super excited because she loves uh boil on nine nine and when when he shows up like driving the

Alexvan and what i forget about that every time oh my god i i know i forget so much about that movie

Merlinlike i know paul rudd's in it but i forget how improbably fucking funny paul rudd is in that movie

Alexis i why is he so mean why is he so mean to katie he's so i've never had more fun watching a man baby when he picks up his chair okay let's talk about death oh baby let's talk about death and me well the okay so the um one of the founding members of the whitest kids you know passed away a couple weeks ago and it sounds like one of it like his death probably sounded like it was a little bit embarrassing probably like um he like he got drunk or something and fell down and it's

super it super sucked obviously but like his uh the the rest of his friends got together and like i know everybody's been wondering and and uh yep uh he he died sucking his own dick like but hey finally achieved it and i can't do it justice because unless it it's a whole bit but the i i feel like that one that is definitely how i will die some sort of mishap uh but but two i demand that no one take it

that I don't want it to be taken that seriously. Like, people can do what they will. I demand a roast of some sort, in fact. Like, because grief is a weird thing. Oh, otherwise

Merlinyou're cursed. You're cursed to wander the earth until you get your finished business of the internet making fun of you one last time.

AlexYes. I want the internet to make fun of me, but also

MerlinAlex can eat and popcorn like this.

AlexOh, my God. Moving on. But the – I was – like my actual like real thing is like, okay, if I – according to my ID anyway, like if I die, take all of my organs and put them in as many people as possible. Oh, God. Here we go. So – well, shut up. No. Oh, I don't do it. But God forbid I want my corpse to go somewhere before it's bloated. And OK, well, and so but I'm like, all right, how do I have a ridiculous like a ridiculous funeral that makes anybody everybody deeply uncomfortable if I don't have a body?

And I want my body to go to science because, yes, you're welcome for my service. But but what if I had a prestige type situation? and as far as i know it's difficult to get people to volunteer to uh have their bodies like examined while they're decomposing actually i think there was a uh radiolab bit about this where there's just like fields of corporate corpses you're talking about like vivis vivisection

Merlinvivisection uh isn't that where you operate on a living person and like your is it i don't know

Alexi don't watch gray's anatomy as much as the rest of the people in both of our families did you know

MerlinMeredith Grey is in Catch Me If You Can. Did you know that?

AlexReally?

MerlinEllen Pompeo is total. She's a steward, excuse me, a flight attendant. What? Catch Me If You Can.

AlexWow. How crazy is that? Oh, my gosh.

MerlinSurprised me, too.

AlexOh, my God. That's weird.

MerlinSo make use of this vessel. What did Marshall Applewhite call it? Your vehicle? Your box?

AlexYeah. I think it would be super funny to have. I just think it would be super funny to be floating in a vat.

MerlinEspecially if it went a little bit itchy and scratchy, like a little bit itchy and scratchy, and they pull out your intestines and start swinging them around. Boing, boing.

AlexI just, you know, like, that's the thing. I want to be able to have people who are also horny for logistics plan and enjoy the postpartum, postpartum, postpartum.

MerlinPostpartum.

AlexThe ultimate postpartum.

Merlinbut not postpartum depression you have postpartum elation because everyone's going boing boing with your insides let's dress her up like a fancy society lady and serve spinach dip out of her ocular sockets too long didn't mourn just enjoy it have fun with it oh no reggae don't play reggae

AlexIsn't that culture, like, death appropriation? I don't know.

MerlinNo, my wife's family, they listen to too much reggae. It's like the default music for things.

AlexUh, we can cut this out. But, but, wait, the Rhode Island? Yeah. The Rhode Island reggae?

MerlinThat's, they're beachgoers. They're beach people. No, they're on island time.

AlexYou know?

MerlinWell, I hope you like jamming too, you know?

God.

AlexOh, my God. Oh, see, I really thought we could wrap this around, do a nice little reach around about the Order of Chaos and some type of death. I was totally going to try to pull Roderick, but no, this is just, it's lost to the...

MerlinWell, referring to my fives list, did I read that on the after show last time? I think I did.

AlexBut do it again. Do it again. Do it again.

MerlinWell, I don't really have much else. Fancy society lady, that would be fun. I think I have it here somewhere. No, it's actually not that funny. But one of them is, one of the items, I think it might be the final one, is something like, you know, if it's all possible, I would like my body to be torn, my remains, to be torn apart by vicious dogs while Fleetwood Mac's tusk is played by an enthusiastic high school marching band.

AlexAnd the thing is that you probably can get that to happen.

Merlinlike Fiverr or something. Maybe like a one-man band. But no, so I played the video for my daughter this morning. She's like, that's a pretty good song. I was like, well, go and do Likewise.

AlexTake me apart.

MerlinDog me. Dog me.

AlexDog me.

MerlinGet the fuck out of my way, bitch. okay i'll see you at uh half past the hour then m'lady yeah my my they my they fuck my they

Show notes

Transcript

255. Phuzzy Pharma

Show notes

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