225. The Cocaine Window

AlexThis is Do By Friday, a weekly challenge podcast. This week's challenge, pick a totem.

Rabbit, rabbit.

MerlinRabbit, rabbit.

AlexI don't understand the rule, but I'm going to follow it.

MerlinWell, hang on. Pre-PC, pre-PC. Keep talking.

AlexPre-PC. That's when they used stone tablets. I believe it was the Rosetta days, I think. We walked both ways for the roses. I wish there were purple roses. The red ones are, oh, I guess you could cross-polity them. I wonder if that works like an animal crossing.

MerlinUh-huh. Animal crossing. When you ask somebody, do you do the, what did you have for breakfast? When you need somebody to test a mic, what do you ask them to say?

AlexI do the breakfast thing just because I've learned, well, not only is it standard amongst, you know, the NPR radio interviews.

MerlinYeah. It's not something weird or offensive. I like to say, what's the second to the most recent thing that made you want to masturbate? And that's a good way to check for room noise because it's real quiet after that. Shh.

Shh.

MerlinOh, and the answer is the woman who plays Princess Diana. Okay. She's young! What? Not that young. She's a fashion icon. She's got a really good stylist. I read an article about her today in Vogue, and I read another one about her in Harper's Bazaar.

AlexI mean, it is bizarre.

MerlinIt's a different spelling, Alex. Don't be racist. Speaking of racism and breakfast, get back. I asked me what I had for breakfast.

AlexWhat did you have for breakfast, Merlin?

MerlinCheck one, two, sibilance, red, leather, yellow. I had, and this is very racist, I had a Mexican Coke for breakfast and it was amazing.

AlexOh, wait, really?

MerlinYeah, every morning, one of the parents and my daughter walked down. Oh, you might have heard me mention a cafe.

AlexYou make it sound like there's more than two. Sorry, go on. Serial monogamous, okay.

MerlinWell, the other ones need a break. We're in a quadrumple. it's a pop-up bubble yeah so like i was saying racism um let's say for uh how do you say it uh i forget how to say it

Alexoh which word what are we doing here what's happening i'm the alex now i'm the jazz boy

Merlinyep yep so one of the parents and uh and our daughter uh walked down to the cafe that used to be owned by the lady who's never heard of sandwiches. And we get a bagel. We usually get a bagel. My parent will get a coffee and a kid gets a Choco Choco. You know what I'm saying? And for some reason, I saw that Mexican Coke staring at me. I didn't really want a coffee yet.

And sometimes I'll get a fizzy water, you know, just wait outside and, you know, hang out. I got a Mexican Coke. And for one of the few times in my life, Alex, this is so satisfying. Isn't it wonderful to get exactly as much of something as you want? given what a rarity it is. At New College, we used to say there's two doses of drugs, too much and not enough. And with Coca-Cola, it's real easy to not realize you've had too much, especially in this economy, where I used to drink probably 100 ounces of Coke a day.

I was a Coke boy. Before I was a jazz boy. And so anyway, I had a 12-ounce bottle. And when I say Mexican Coke, I've asked about this, and I've been told it's okay to call it that because that's what it is. It's Coke that's made in Mexico with, I think it's pronounced azucar. It's got real sugar and it tastes like old Coke. And I had 12 ounces of that on ice. I had some of it.

AlexOh, wait, wait, wait. Sorry. Hold on. Hold on.

MerlinHey, Quinn. Quinn, do you like Coca-Cola? We're a Coca-Cola family. You get an eight pack of those 16 ounce bottles from the Pony Keg. You bring your old bottles for the return and it's a lot cheaper. It's cheaper than cans. It's just cheaper than that abomination, those two-liter bottles. Don't buy those. Unless it's a party, don't buy two liters. It's going to go flat. And the thing, the main performance characteristic you're looking for with a Coca-Cola, I think, is the fizz. You know, once it's lost, it's like French fries. I listened to a whole planet of money about French fries and the difficulty of, they deliver French fries on a motorcycle.

They deliver French fries on a motorcycle in Tokyo.

AlexAll right, go on, go on. Sorry.

MerlinOkay, and they deliver French fries on a motorcycle in Tokyo. It's difficult because anybody will tell you, by the time you've driven out of the parking lot, the French fries are already not as good. This is a known issue. And so in Japan, they've been really working on that. They've been working on new kinds of potatoes that they can get.

They deliver French fries on motorcycles in Tokyo, and there's a huge demand. So anyway, it's a lot like Coke. How's it going, Alex? Did you get a drink?

AlexOh, well, here's the thing. Oh!

MerlinOh, that sounded like a bottle opening.

AlexIt did. This, I have a Mexican Coca-Cola here, which I think is okay, since a literal Mexican man sold it to me and asked, would you like a Mexican Coke? And I said, yes. Oh, well, I mean, I shouldn't infer his race, although it is a Mexican restaurant and he did have an accent over the phone. And I was like, sure.

MerlinYou sure he wasn't a Mick or a Limey?

AlexI don't know if those are slurs, so I'm just going to say no.

MerlinIs Mick Limey one of the men on Grey's Anatomy?

AlexAre you talking about the hot bipolar guy, Andrew?

MerlinAndrew. Oh, wait a minute. Wait, is that a late? That's late in the run, right?

AlexIt is. It is.

MerlinOkay.

AlexSpoilers for mental illness. Oh, I hate when they do that.

MerlinI'll say it again, Alex. I know it's going to get me canceled. I never remember any of the men on Grey's Anatomy. First of all, I can't keep Steamy and Dreamy straight in my brain. I know one has a hat with boats. And then I get confused with the guy who hulks out and beats people up, Alex. I think Alex is a Nick.

AlexHe should be a Nick. You need to just say.

MerlinHe's McPunchy. McPunchy?

AlexMcPunch. I was going to say for a while we had similar haircuts. But now I think my, hmm, huh.

MerlinI often think. Oh, that's so interesting. And so he, yeah, I'm your person. Punch.

AlexOh, see, well, you've triggered my diet coat.

MerlinHe said I had to put down a person. I had to write down a person. When she goes to the doctor, remember, she says, I have to write down a person so you're my person. That's how it started. We have a mug. We have a mug. We have what's called Sloan Kettering. What's the name? We've got a mug of the hospital that says you're my person.

AlexDon't, don't, don't listen.

MerlinYou like that scene? It comes up again later.

AlexOh, really? It comes up again and again?

MerlinRemember the one with the plane crash?

AlexRemember when they danced it out? Oh my gosh.

MerlinOh my God. It's made Children's Hospital so... Children's Hospital was already extremely funny to me. But now it's made it extremely funnier. In the very first episode when they're having the fake pillow fight, like pseudo lesbian thing on the couch. Oh my God, it's so goddamn funny.

AlexI couldn't figure out why a portion of my friends didn't enjoy that show. And I realized, oh, you're all artsy-fartsy millennials who have never seen...

MerlinYeah, they never watched those medical ER or anything like that.

AlexRight. So if you didn't watch Grey's Anatomy, all I know about ER is that it took place in Chicago, and at one point George Clooney was on it.

MerlinHe sure was, yeah. I think that catapulted him into fame, that and being from Cincinnati.

AlexI thought it was I was going to make a joke about a movie that no one can remember the name of and then I couldn't remember the name of it Duplex? No, that's another movie

MerlinAmerican Beauty

AlexOh, I hate that movie It's the most beautiful thing I've seen in my life

MerlinI realized on the air recording what Dan mentioned yesterday it occurred to me yesterday I'm so proud of this, Alexandra without a visual cue we were talking about American Beauty And I was saying, I don't think it's a very good movie. I think it was a movie of its time. The marketing for it was very interesting and aggressive. And now the whole thing feels really creepy and badly done. And then I was remembering, and I was telling Dan how every time my lady and I see something blowing in the wind, we say, that's the most beautiful thing I've seen in my life. Do you remember the creepy neighbor kid?

AlexOh, I hated American Beauty before. It was cool and canceled because of that particular scene. and I didn't see American Beauty until I was in my 20s. And I just, I do a similar thing of, oh, it's beautiful. Every time I see trash blowing in the wind and I just, he's so creepy. He's so creepy. Like, oh.

MerlinSo can you imagine him? Imagine his face in your brain right now.

AlexI do. I am. It's so bad. I hate it.

MerlinDo you know him from anything else? Because I figured it out without a visual cue using only mind math.

AlexWait, wait, wait. I'm sorry. I'm jumping from Kevin Spacey.

MerlinTell me what kind of clue you want. Don't look at the internet. I'll know.

AlexI'm not. You'd hear my, oh, well, I do have my quiet keyboard today. Say TV or movie.

MerlinMine died, so I'm having to use them. The example that jumped to mind that I remembered is it's a movie. It's part of a popular series based on a book, more than a trilogy, more than a feeling. It's not Boston. and it's based on a popular series. Protagonist is a young woman.

AlexOh, oh, is he from Divergent?

MerlinThe original.

AlexOh, Hunger Games?

MerlinYeah, Battle Royale is the original. He's the game designer.

AlexIn Hunger Games?

MerlinThe guy with the weird, with the pointy facial hair?

AlexOh, wait, wait. Oh, no. So he's, oh goodness gracious. See, I turned everything off so we wouldn't have a delay. And now I'm sipping this Mexican Coke, which is very sugary, but in a nice way.

MerlinHe was killed by a telephono explosion. I think I'll have another drink of Mexican Coke. I will find the picture for you. And I'll send it to you in the text messages. I was proud of that. I had a Mexican Coke Hunger Games.

AlexHave you ever had a, well, I don't even want to call it a Mexican Fanta because it's just a Fanta. Like we just have shitty American Fanta.

MerlinI like Fanta type beverages and I really, I'm not a connoisseur. I'm the sort of person where I could not Pepsi challenge a 7-Up versus a Sprite.

AlexOh, I'm sorry. I apologize. Go on.

MerlinIf I feel like I might be able to do Dr. Pepper versus Mr. Pibb, pretty certain I could literally Pepsi challenge Coke versus Pepsi. that always seemed farcical to me. Like how can you not tell the difference? You know, it's one of those things like you, the super taster or like John, Don, Don and Don kind of thing. Goat fronting, they call it. And I, you know, I love, I do like a fizzy pop, but I like it to be very fizzy. I like a Welch's grape pop.

Do you have a preference amongst orange pops? How is it different? Now, wait, did you say Faygo?

AlexNo, no, no, no. What did you say? Fanta. Don't you want to want a Fanta?

MerlinIs Faygo the Juggalo one?

AlexI believe so. I believe that's the favorite soda of one of the McElroy properties. I know some of them are Pepsi Boys, which is...

MerlinOh, let's see. Yeah, you got... Oh, God. I can't remember them now. There's R.C. Josta. You got R.C. Josta.

AlexOh.

MerlinAnd I choose hugs, not drugs.

AlexWelcome to Dubai Friday, the show where we love other shows. And now pop. I'm so glad that you said pop because I get yelled at. I like that word. I love the word pop because it pops.

MerlinIsn't that – that's Midwestern. Is that Midwestern? Yeah. Mm-hmm. Here you go. Oh, wait. Is that you?

AlexOh, did I pop?

MerlinPop. No, I apologize. Pop. I still have a sound I can't track down.

AlexHave you noticed it?

MerlinHave you noticed an occasional – I don't know if it's overdrive, like limiting, Or if it's because there'll be like a little bit of a tick. It sounds. I don't know what it is.

AlexI assumed it was me just because every week now. Because you're a woman. Yeah. I mean, it's the. Oh, double canceled. But but also I'm always making like the mouth noises. And right now, since I have opened two glass beverages and and it's hard to drink them without like because it's not you know me.

MerlinYou mean like making slurpy noises?

AlexYeah. I prefer a Diet Coke, as it is known. Yeah. But this is just, oh, 1997, the Coca-Cola company. Oh, yeah.

MerlinThat's when they had the cocaine in it. Cocaine-o. Okay. I'm sending these. I wish. Yeah. You know what? Put it in the sheet. I think I would have cocaine.

AlexOh, really? I don't know if this, I mean, I know this is a bit, but I.

MerlinI tried it exactly once, exactly once.

AlexDid it have the effect on you that you expected?

MerlinNot at all. At the time, I was a daily ephedrine user slash addict. Loved ephedrine. Broke my heart when you couldn't get it anymore. It does weird stuff to your penis, but let's not talk about that. I call it barbelling. But what happened was I came home and my roommate, Tony, whose cat used to shit on my pillow. It looked like a little brown egg. And Chuck the Cat hated me. I came home from a night out with friends and my housemate and another guy we work with who was an alcoholic RN were doing cocaine.

And I was like, oh, hey, guys. And I'm of that age where it's like, ew. I just missed the cocaine window title. I just missed that window.

AlexWait, what's the cocaine window?

MerlinThe period where, I'm going to say the period perhaps starting in the 70s, but definitely in the early 80s, where it was still regarded as pretty harmless.

AlexOh, I thought you meant in age range.

MerlinNo. I mean, I was really scared. I really imprinted on the posters and photos in health class in some ways. You know, and not the cigarette stuff always seemed kind of silly, but those pictures with usually like a blue or a pink background and a bunch of needles and super colorful pills and bags of white stuff. I did. It really got to me. I was like, oh, boy, this all represents, you know, really bad stuff. So I'm like, hey, hey, Tim. Hey, Tony. What's up, guys? Would you like some? This is something like I think what they said, would you like some cocaine? And I said, I've never done that.

I'm kind of scared, but I guess I'll try it. And I had some and I went to sleep. nothing like ephedrine. Ephedrine's so much better. Where's the justice, Alex?

AlexOh, oh, interesting.

MerlinMaybe it's like marijuana where it would have taken me a while, but I'm really glad. I'm glad I didn't. I don't want to have cocaine.

AlexAren't you curious?

MerlinWell, I am curious. Of course I'm curious. Now I'm a grown ass man with a family. I got a lot to lose. Why not try more drugs?

AlexYeah, well, here's the thing. Did you ever take drugs? and i i i'm not talking about like uh you know pcp and the i'm not like there's there's no dell

Merlinwell talk talk about anything you want i'm i'm i'm my uh my life is an open book not really

Alexno no i'm not like not like laced weed or anything like that but like let's say a tablet of something and you just were we're like oh yeah oh i'm i'm really excited oh you mean like in that party way of like somebody's got a fistful of pills and you just take it no that would scare me uh you just mean like have i taken druggy drugs oh i mean well but this is this is a roundabout way of saying that i took a druggy drug thinking that it was lc lcd lcd i popped in an lsd sound system uh i i thought

it was acid but i come to learn later that it was some like uh who knows like x something the person who gave it to me was like oh yeah that uh oh no wait that was an acid that was a blah blah or literally something do you remember do you remember roughly do you remember roughly what it was um i think what they said was literally ecstasy or something and because when i took it

MerlinThat's really not encouraging, Alex.

AlexNo, no, I agree. This was in a...

MerlinNo, I'm not judging, but I'm saying when somebody is like, here, take these drugs, I think it might be this. There's all kinds of things now about the chain of custody there. No thank you.

AlexWell, this is the thing. I found this out about two weeks ago.

MerlinDo you remember the effects it had on you?

AlexYes, I thought, oh man, I just feel manic. This is honestly not even worth it because it's not as good as the mania.

MerlinSo it might have been something a little speedy.

AlexYeah. So I think it was just a little speedy.

MerlinWell, and they used to cut – they used to call it Molly now, whatever that means. We just called it ecstasy.

AlexYeah.

MerlinBut people would cut that. I mean it's got – I think it's got pretty racy amphetamine-like stuff in it because you're not going to go to sleep anytime soon. Just believe me. You would be cursed with – any sleep you have would be accursed.

But yeah, and they would cut it. I think they would cut that stuff with speed sometimes. I don't know. I'm just saying words. I've had a lot of drugs.

AlexI mean, it was just a little tablet and I was 22 and now I'm 30. And at 30, finding out that I have never had LSD or acid, I'm like.

MerlinOh, interesting. Now you lost your LSD window.

AlexI think I've lost the window. Well, I also.

MerlinYou know, you and Matthew should have ecstasy. You love to talk and touch each other's hair.

AlexYou should do it. No, I have no interest. manufactured drugs because I take those legally because I have to.

MerlinOh, they call it a busman's holiday. On the bus, well, the bus driver's day off. You know what he does? He rides on a bus. You know what I'm saying? The cobbler's kid has no shoes.

AlexOh, I'm just thinking about that. It's so sad. Oh, God.

MerlinWhen the Greyhound bus driver said that I was the one that did an absolute paint job in the bathroom and they had to turn around and go back. I've been watching so much Tim Robinson. Well, well, well, look who it is. Remember that where he goes to the gun store? One of that episode of the characters where he goes to the gun store for self-protection and then every gun he holds up. He's talking about basically threatening somebody who realized that he took a huge dump somewhere.

Well, well, well, if it isn't the maid at the La Quinta Inn who yelled at me in the hallway in front of everybody about the absolute paint job I did in the bathroom and how I should get in the shower and clean myself off before she comes in and fixes the mess.

AlexI think we can officially endorse I think you should leave as a Dubai Friday property that we enjoy along with Patriot.

MerlinWe learned about it from our friend and I love it so much and now my kid enjoys it which is kind of surprising. She's, you know, but like she, I think she sort of forgets or overlooks how much she loves the thing. She honestly has, like she can do whole, like me with Steve Martin in the 70s, she can do like whole passages of John Mulaney. She just did the JJ, a ton of the JJ Bittenbinder bit on the way to get a bagel this morning.

AlexI feel like I married your daughter. What?

MerlinI love that movie. she's a really she's really she's a really cool kid oh god i mean she's she's she's very cool you want me to set you up you want me to be your uh what your yenta is that what it's called i mean

Alexi did marry both of my parents as as well it's very upsetting that i'm like this is a stereotype

MerlinOh, you mean in Matthew. Just so we're clear here.

AlexYeah, I did not marry my parents or a minor.

MerlinSomebody's going to come to your house and play with Barbies in the basement for an hour. Going to have some serious questions. I also want to talk about cutting my hair. I want to talk about suspenders. I want to talk about what was I thinking? Oh, so I've not in notes in the doc. For the notes, I have added...

AlexDo we have a doc? Do we even have a doc? Let's still go first. Oh. Let me see.

Merlinmy... Did you see the clever pun I did?

AlexNo, I... You didn't see my clever pun. This morning I went to look because I had some notes and I went to put them in the doc and... No, I did it at 9.30. Ah, there we... Okay.

MerlinLook at the message. Look at your messages. Look at all the things I've sent you.

AlexWell, now I see it. Oh, there's a good old Doc the Dwarf. Oh, that's not a... Doc the... I think we say

MerlinWe say little person.

AlexAre they seven dwarfs? Oh, yeah. Oh, that movie. Oh, it's very scary.

MerlinThe dwarf pronouns. They or she or somebody still has to explain this to me. So Doc is a pun.

AlexYes. Yes. Did you get that? That I sent you.

MerlinUsually I say Doc exclamation point for some reason. And then I paste it in. In this case, I sent an image of the cartoon character Doc.

AlexHe doesn't have normal facial hair. Not to be normative, but he has the bottom.

MerlinYou're right. I don't think it grows down from his chin. I think it grows up from his neck.

AlexIt's a, yeah, it's, he's a reverse neck beard kind of thing.

MerlinAnd then scroll down, scroll down for creepy eyeball.

AlexI know.

MerlinScroll, scroll, scroll. Do you see him? Did you see him? Is that not the guy from American Beauty? Am I wrong?

AlexNo. Huh.

MerlinLook at him. Look at that camera. He's so creepy.

AlexHe's so creepy. He looks like every guy in every fictional film class. Oh, God.

MerlinWho's the guy I like that did Metropolitan and Henry Fool? Whitman? Is that his name? Whit Stillman? Still Whitman? Slim Whitman? What's the guy's name?

Whit Stillman?

AlexHenry Fool.

MerlinHenry Fool with my very close friend James Urbaniakin. Did you know that? Did you know he's in Henry Fool?

AlexNo. No, I did not.

MerlinHe's my close personal friend. Oh. Yeah, no, I met him and I have a photograph of me with him. Very bad haircut. Simon Grimm. And Hal Hartley? I'm confusing Hal Hartley, I think. Oh, and Parker Posey. Now, who did Metropolitan?

AlexNow, that's a name I know. But let's just go.

MerlinOh, man, I just watched Spider-Man 2. Spider-Man 2 might be the best superhero movie, pound for pound.

AlexWhich? Spider-Man 2?

MerlinSpider-Man, oh, not Amazing Spider-Man 2. Spider-Man 2, the one where he, Mary Jane, is in the Oscar Wilde play. And he's got, he fights the guy from Raiders of the Lost Ark. Alfred Molina is Dr. Octopus, who has eight arms. Eight arms. Get it? Eight arms.

AlexAnd that is the Dashboard Confessional one. This is how I know it.

MerlinThey're a band. Whit Stillman did the movie Metropolitan.

AlexWhit Stillman. That's Whit Stillman. That is such a fake name.

MerlinWhat's Stillman? And you know who's in it is Lorelai's boyfriend. Luke? No. Sorry. No. Hey, spoilers. No, no, no. Well, you know she has that boyfriend for a while, the handsome guy.

AlexDigger?

MerlinMike?

AlexYeah, the guy who's a lawyer. Yes. I liked him.

MerlinOh, yes.

AlexWhen in doubt, marry the rich one.

MerlinThat's interesting. What makes you say that?

AlexWell.

MerlinThe when in doubt part is doing, as they say, a lot of work there, right?

Alexexactly exactly any doubt at all if you knew what you wanted you'd already have it yes yes and you know if you're marrying out of necessity go with the rich one i mean i i don't know i enjoy

Merlinyou know what they should say in your church you marry out of necessity because you did something out of wedlock

AlexIt's called a long gun wedding.

MerlinOh, I did such a good job last night. Holy shit, dude. I wanted to do a new thing where I wanted to do a number one on the sides and a number two on top. But then I realized the cat clippers, I think, don't have a number one or I couldn't find it anyway. But the cat clippers are amazing. I bought a second one just for work. You know, I'm doing the Marco system. You know, I got two of everything.

AlexYou know what I mean? Yes.

MerlinYes. So, you know, two is one. So, you know, I fell asleep on the couch and I woke up and I said, I still want to cut my hair. And so what I did was, what had happened was, I did a number two on the sides and back.

You'd be spanking me right now. I'm like, back, butt, and balls.

Alexrandom it's gonna get in this random car just just

Merlinyou're the one you're dressed but you're dressed as a hot dog so she welcome to dubai friday the

Alexshow with alex cox and merlaman who really liked tim robinson it is a cinderella story

Merlinin his eyes i guess oh we just quote things we like and so anyway so what what had happened was I did a number two, if you know what I mean. I did a number two on the sides and back and button balls. And then I just left the top to grow a little bit. So I got exactly the same plus one differential.

AlexOh.

MerlinAnd then I shaved really, really well. I'm so smooth right now.

AlexOh, you're a manatee. Taking a cue from.

MerlinVery smooth, very smooth. And I like the way it looks. I think I need a little more length on the top as against the sides. Otherwise, I look deranged. I look like Vincent D'Onofrio in full metal jacket a little. Or maybe I look like, oh, you know, I look like a little bit is, it's not good. So that's what I'm doing. The cat clippers are amazing.

AlexI've been referred to as a chia pet quite a bit lately because it's- Is it like a twink? Wait, do you not know what a chia pet is?

MerlinYes, I do. No, I'm just thinking it sounds like something in the community, like a hanky code, where you say you're into sloppy bears and chia pets.

Things haven't been going so great with Tony for a while. Okay. Welcome to Dubai Friday, a show where we talk about things we like, like Bob's Burgers.

AlexAnd our hair. And our hair.

MerlinYou're a chia pet.

AlexThings haven't been so great with Tony.

Merlini just love that also i love that i love bob's response he's just definitely curious about something and i also just love the ongoing thing of oh yeah what it looks like yeah you screwed up another one he's like no he's putting in the toilet sale is in your mouth and so i cut my hair you go chia pet chia the chia family is out out of control at this point from what i can tell It seems like there's a Chia of everything and everything of a Chia.

AlexHmm. Hmm.

MerlinWell, no, you can get like, okay, let's go look up. We're going to look on the internet. This is going to be Welcome to Dubai Friday, where we read the internet. Ch-ch-chia. Chia pet. And I bet you're going to see Joseph Enterprises, home of the Chia pet and the clapper.

Baby Yoda. They got a Baby Yoda.

AlexOh. Oh, no.

MerlinRichard Simmons, Bob Ross.

AlexOkay, this is not a chia pet. This is just a baby. This is out of control. Yeah, these are just plants.

MerlinNo, this is some Funko bullshit, man.

AlexYeah, no, I am not. I mean, welcome to the resistance, Funko, but...

MerlinPennywise? From It? Really?

AlexActually, that works. That works. Morty works.

MerlinI mean, Bob Ross kind of works, but I think it's upsetting. Now, Jack Skellington would not have that hair. That doesn't even make sense.

AlexNo. Yeah. These are just plants. Oh, goodness. This cat doesn't look like... I mean, if there's one thing...

MerlinI mean, I don't like to do this too often, Alex, but like the child, as we call him.

AlexUh-huh.

MerlinGrogo? Drogo?

AlexMm-hmm. Drogon?

MerlinBaby Yoda.

AlexMm-hmm.

MerlinWho's excited to get a Baby Yoda Chia pet?

AlexChildren.

MerlinThe Chia is in his baby cart.

Alexit's not even on his titular head i know and and i i looks like he's neglected right it's just he looks like he's been abandoned in a clover patch and i'm just like oh okay

Merlinoh that is do the hand thing do the hand thing oh man um so and uh um oh i want to talk about suspenders we could talk about oh the karate kid come on what okay that's gonna be show

AlexWhat are you looking at? The karate kid.

MerlinDaniel-san. Daniel-san is a chia pet.

AlexOh, you're still looking at the thing. You know what? I'm feeling like both of us having our very sugary Cokes this morning. Maybe there's 150 calories in this thing. I'm sorry. I do not want to be like that person.

MerlinYou want straight meat? You can get straight meat. You want straight meat?

AlexWow. Wow. Straight meat? What? What?

MerlinStraight meat.

AlexStraight meat.

MerlinYou know, two and a half, three pounds of Black Forest ham. Talking about ridged chips, ice cream on the side. I've captured that. Welcome to Dubai Friday. And, okay, here we go. You're ready. You asked for it, you get it.

Good morning, Alex. How are you?

AlexOh, I hate it.

MerlinOh, no. That's terrific. Okay, it is, of course, three minutes after the hour of 10. And we're going to be talking about challenges. We like to challenge our friends and challenge ourselves. It's Dubai Friday and I'm wearing suspenders. Well, it's doing a snappy sound.

AlexOh, you're really?

MerlinI'm all in. I'm all in. One day. I knew. I knew. I knew yesterday afternoon.

AlexI literally just dropped something in surprise. Sorry. Sorry. So I am not feigning surprise. Please, please go on suspenders.

MerlinI have a short rise. I have a short rise.

AlexI don't know what that means. In the downstairs area, I thought you had a barbell situation. What's a short rise?

MerlinYeah, well, you can get barbelling from the ephedrine. That's hard to get now.

AlexOh, the Yoda one's bad.

MerlinOh, Chewbacca. I'm closing this. This is sickening.

AlexI know.

MerlinI think I'm pretty normally proportioned. I feel like I'm pretty normally proportioned. I'm somewhere near, probably not anymore. Maybe there's been an influx of Dutch. But in America, I'm very close to an average height. I'm around 5'9 or something like that which is probably a little small a little small

AlexI think you are

Merlinit's the pictures that got small

Alexlisten you need to be 5'10 because I think I tell people that I'm 5'8 and you are definitely it's always two inches with me it's always me

Merlinand so i think i'm normally proportioned and i i know this is true for a lot of the ladies in my life it's like you go somewhere and you're like what is happening with these clothes and i know it's very different with women pockets aside the whole dress thing average size is you know what 12 or 14 just crazy what women go through with clothes but it's not that much better for men so like i don't know what the fuck is wrong i don't know what is wrong with my body alex but

my proportions are so fucked especially in my bottom half bottom one off to half but you know i you get pants and if the pants are comfortable i'm a 34 30 or a 34 32 i'm probably closer to 35 now but anyway uh you get the pants that are comfortable and fit the legs are fucking six inches too long it's not a hemmable pant when i get sweatpants they practically go around my feet oh and then my tank gets lonely because i just have cloths swinging around down there like who

Alexhas a rise that long i you know well i assumed that was the the reason for long pants because i i i'm like a uh man so desmond long pants yeah sounds like one of the merry men do you do you have a i i well that's here here's the here's the thing marilyn here's here's here's the thing so so so um i was doing a bit and then started actually stuttering uh but i i enjoy a thin

sweat pant or pajama pant you know you mean like sort of a light um light lighter cloth yeah

Merlinyeah something no as of as against the kind of sweatpants that you would get like when i was a kid, which were like almost a quarter of an inch thick cotton with the fucking, what do you call that? Like the grabs your ankles? Ooh, that doesn't sound good.

AlexNo, you know what I mean? The elastic at the bottom and you can't take them off with one foot.

MerlinYou know what I mean? You got to use two hands. I say to my wife all the time, rule number one is stay out of an active working area. If something's an active working area, don't put stuff there or do things there. If I'm making a roast, that is not the place for you to put your spinach. That's an active working area. Other things I say that everything in life I should be able to do to the extent possible with one hand and without needing to move anything. And we talked about it this morning. If I grab a grocery bag out of the grocery bag bag, I don't want an explosion of bags because you didn't put the fold to the back. You know what I'm saying? One hand, move nothing.

If I have to move a plate to get to a plate, if I have to move the coffee filters in this

Alexeconomy, no gracias.

MerlinAnd so same with sweatpants. I want to be able to take it off with a toe.

AlexWell, well, I have some. You know what I mean?

MerlinLike as against having to like put your fucking hands on pants and push them down and step out and you fall over because you've been drinking. What am I, William Holden? Like it's not fun. I don't like that.

AlexWell, but it's hard to find a good sweat pant like that. You know, if you can't find a proportion.

MerlinI got sweat pants for Christmas. Oh, do you have six? My wife got me fancy sweat pants.

Alexgo on

Merlinbecause all the old ones I got from American Apparel by the way American Apparel why were your pants so long? I don't know you're my American Apparel pants? Pants too long I don't even want to say the brand because these were very costly they're not cashmere but she got me they advertise on MSNBC I think they're called Velouria or Velon vulva pants

Alexvulva pants

Merlinvulva long pants it's 2 p.m on a wednesday here's vulva can you imagine touching that pole can you imagine like in that scene in showgirls where she licks the pole oh it's like can you imagine can you imagine everything that's on that pole yeah well especially

Alexafter watching the movie uh hustlers in where i found out that it's not just the uh stripper going around the pole, the pole itself moves and it's still something. Not that it takes away any of the talent.

MerlinIt moves in like a Cirque du Soleil kind of way? Is it on a turntable or how does it move?

AlexI'm sure there is a fancy, like there is a cylinder and then there is a larger cylinder and then you spin on it. It's not like a fireman's pole.

MerlinIt rotates.

AlexYeah, rotating. that's the yeah you got like yeah yeah yeah which just makes me happy because then vulva pant isn't gonna get you know like uh pole burn yeast yeast infection at best yeah oh yeah they think about it sanitize ladies sanitize i i i i i apologize i want to hear about your uh sweat pant anyway

Merlinthey're really nice they're really nice and they have everything they want so the other ones i I have two pairs. This is really, really bad. So they're called my dad pants. And when I get home from work, when I arrive at my house from the office sometimes, in the pre-suspender days, I'm like, man, I'm tired of this belt business. And I got a good belt. I got an arcade belt. It's a great belt. But I'm not getting what I want out of the pants. And so then I put on sweatpants. you know and the ones i've been wearing for over 10 years i have two pairs of american apparel

sweatpants that uh oh so by the way if anybody used to follow me on twitter these are the pants that i will be wearing with my iphone in my pocket when i carry too many things and my pants fall down outside once a month that's those they're real loose they got no string no string and they have holes and holes and holes they have some holes where they're just big holes i cut off the bottoms because American Apparel pants are too long. And I got holes and holes and holes, and nobody likes them. I mean, I like them, but my family doesn't like them. And the people who have to see my MeUndies,

when I'm picking up toilet paper, my pants fall to the ground with my iPhone in it. The iPhone has just enough weight to pull my pants down. And I'm carrying so much, I can't get there in time. And then I have to shuffle like a crab.

Once a month, Alex, I will carry too much stuff. I go through the kill zone. I'm concentrating heavily. on either carrying two bags of recycling or bringing up the giant bounty paper towels. I'm using two hands and I don't want to drop it. And that's when my pants fall down. I have to shuffle like a crab.

AlexWell, I have a solution for you, sir, because I do this. Oh, see, well, that's- Sweatpants suspenders.

MerlinThat sounds like an emo band you used to like. Ba-dum, ba-dum, ba-dum, ba-dum, ba-dum.

AlexOh, well, I was going to say, if you're like me, you can just twist the side of your pajama pants and then use a chip clip.

MerlinThat's adorable.

AlexChip clip.

MerlinMatthew, where's my chip clip?

AlexI need my pants clips. Matthew was like, oh, we need more chip clips. I keep losing them. And I'm like, oh, yeah, I wonder where they went.

MerlinYou should get a whole bunch of them because they're definitely not being used for pants.

AlexYeah, they're definitely not at the bottom of the laundry at all. Nope, nope, nope, nope.

MerlinAnd so for me to find the accommodating position for my pant, and I wear pretty much the same pants every day, by which I mean I wear the same pants every day. And, you know, a pair of 501s with a bunch of holes. I'm also bringing in a new pair of 501s where I'm trying black. And I'm not sure how I feel about it. But, no, I buy them big. You know, I buy the raw ones. I get a 35, 32, and then I'll sit in a hot bathtub, and then I'll sleep in them for a few nights after they've dried, after they've dried. And then you break those in, and then you don't wash them for six months. You know about this from Put This On, I'm sure.

AlexOh, God, that show. Oh, that was so good.

MerlinWell, that very first episode is where I learned about the dark wool light.

AlexYeah, sponsored by Instapaper is all I remember. Yes.

MerlinJust like Lord of the Rings, you get the dark wool light and washing that on like a cool to warm. But the problem is, and certainly some part of this must be I don't want to feel my gut. Right? I don't like body awareness. I don't want to be aware of my body.

AlexIf I could be a Futurama head in a tank, yes, do it.

MerlinI don't hate my body, but having a body is a bummer. I don't like the way stuff feels. Now more than ever, the person likes to be comfortable. So I want my pant to go somewhere where it doesn't want to stay. My daughter has a kind of a 40s goth school shooter aesthetic. She likes to wear pants real high.

AlexShe doesn't look like a school shooter. She's much better dressed.

MerlinWhen she has her full goth thing and that new trench coat, it's a very powerful look.

AlexWell, I know there's no such thing as the mafia, but the, you know.

MerlinOh, right. You're wrong about it.

AlexTurns out it wasn't the trench coat mafia. Remember that? Remember that?

MerlinI do.

AlexI do.

MerlinI do. I mean, you know, these troubled teens. So I can't get the pant to stay where I want. So let's be honest. I mean, I don't have a gutty gut, but I'm a 54-year-old man. I've earned this.

AlexYou know what I'm saying?

MerlinWhat do they say? It's not a beer belly. It's a sex battery. So it's a lot to print on one hat. And so for me, whatever the opposite of that would be. I mean, it's a drain battery for anything but sex. Hakuna Matata. Also, I can't drink beer. And so anyway, the suspenders, all I'm trying to say is that now with the suspenders i don't need a belt insert joke okay about the anyway but the point is these are fucking great because you know you you uh what does it say you set it and forget it right you get the

suspenders the way that you want the pants stay where they go so you stand up and you don't need

Alexto go and readjust have you ever tried suspenders uh i believe i wrote in our challenge spreadsheet like have you have you even met me or something like that yes i have oh so you saw you saw it in the challenge sheet try suspenders i i i have i i had a uh a phase let's say i have met you i've

Merlinmet you i've been i've urinated in a bathroom with you yes yes taking selfies in in a bathroom

Alexin the bathroom i know i know it's alex i'm i i i uh tessa pets oh i see you have been have you met

Merlinme? That doesn't go there. That goes in notes. We've got to redo this document. Try suspenders line 430. Whoa! You added so many challenges. What do you think about Eat Like Rock with Dwayne Johnson?

AlexSave it for the after show. Merlin, did you know we do? I reread

Merlina manual yesterday. I'm rereading a manual and I think we should reread

Alexa manual. Redact it, redact it, redact it.

MerlinUncancel someone. Hey,

Alexlistener did you know that we have an entirely separate second show after this one merlin and merlin and i when we're done recording we go take a little little pee break and uh etc sometimes

Merlinwhile we're gone a coup starts well i i look at twitter and i pee and i often i don't always send it to you but that's often when i give myself 10 to 15 minutes to make some piece of fan art about what we just did and I almost never sent it to you. So for example, last week I did make a logo for nipple pay.

AlexYes, please.

MerlinNo, but it doesn't read as a nipple. It just looks like a circle in a circle because if I made it too on the nose I think that's a little graphic. If you did a full Bumpy Areola which used to be my pole dancer name I was not successful. It's 12pm on Wednesday. Please welcome Bumpy Areola. You know what? Y'all ready for this?

AlexOh, God.

MerlinSo you go to giveusyourfuckingmoney.com.

AlexMm-hmm.

MerlinAnd you can choose to support what we do here and the body parts we want and don't want and the pants that we would prefer. And this is part of how we make money for life. So if you wanted to do that, that'd be great.

AlexYeah. please please for reasons um and you know my friend harry used to say yeah herod as in a king

Merlinyes okay oh wait you are the christ you are the great jesus christ no no no his name his full name was um i don't be creepy but he had the best name uh my friend from gainesville harry who he which he spelled with an i because he had michael stipe hair um hans let's see his name's Hans Friedrich Harum Monkhorst.

AlexOh.

MerlinSomething like that.

AlexOh, my. Oh, my. Monkhorst. Oh, my.

MerlinI learned a lot from Harry. Harry's a good man at Thoreau. I loved Harry so much. And we both liked R.E.M. too much. And sometimes I borrowed his guitar. He had an amazing sense of smell. He could tell if I had gone into his – because everybody in New College used to leave their doors unlocked. And so I had an open thing where I was allowed to use his guitar sometimes because he had a 12-string. and if I had walked into his he wasn't there. If I had walked into his room grabbed his guitar, left for an hour come back and return the guitar. He'd say to me

Alexlike at dinner. Wait, what kind of guitar? What kind of guitar? Oh,

Merlinno, it wasn't Fonzie. But I don't remember. I still have my busted ass Yamaha from that same year. Still have it. He'd say were you in my room earlier? And I said, yeah, is that cool? He's like, no, that's fine. I can smell that you've been there.

AlexOh!

Merlinamazing amazing sense of smell oh that's oh and if you borrowed if you borrowed his shampoo he was very he's a very mellow guy but he was very clear about you can't just leave this in the shower with the top open because it dilutes the shampoo i still think about that because my family doesn't close anything. Oh, wow.

AlexDid he ever indicate like what you smelled like? I assume he didn't mean... No, just everybody's got a smell.

MerlinRight, right. At the time, we had both dated this lady.

AlexIs that how you found out? Well, I wrote a song about her

Merlincalled All of Her Men. So she, everybody loved Rachel. And she smelled amazing. Like on her own, she smelled amazing. But then she also, her conditioner, I think she used like white rain some kind of like cheap conditioner. Oh my God, she smelled good. You like smells. You say Matt Smith smells good. Do all doctors smell good or just Matt Smith?

AlexYou know what? I don't know.

MerlinI bet you David Tennant smells good.

AlexI bet he has really good smelling hair goop. Like, you know what I mean? Like there are some people.

MerlinI wouldn't want to sniff his beard though.

AlexHe has a beard now?

MerlinHe's got a beard a lot of the time.

AlexDavid Tennant.

MerlinThere's a very, very fun. I don't even know what this is, but there's that show he's on with that one guy, the guy from 30 Rock and the English guy who's Liz's boyfriend.

AlexYou know that guy? He played

MerlinTony Blair. Broadchurch is so good. Anyway, they did a table read of Kate Winslet. Who's that actress I like?

AlexIs it a brunette with big eyes? Nope. Oh, God, I love brunettes with big eyes. That's my type.

MerlinNo, no. The woman who's Simon Pegs X in Hot Fuzz. She's in Ocean's 8. She's that lady I love, the icon. Not Kate Winslet.

AlexWe've talked about many a celebrity and I've known about five of the names this episode.

MerlinWhat if I started mentioning Canadian pop bands like I do with John Sarcusa? Could you Pepsi challenge it?

AlexNo, no way.

MerlinIt's not Kate Winslet. She was Catherine Hepburn in The Aviator, and she's an extremely famous actress that I love.

AlexOh, The Aviator.

MerlinOh, God, I'll look it up. I want to get this done right, so show me all the blueprints.

AlexQ-U-A-R.

MerlinCome in with the milk. Put the cap in my left hand. Isn't it funny that that movie begins with the word quarantine? You ever think about that?

AlexNo. Oh, no.

MerlinRemember, it begins with a flashback in Howard's Cate Blanchett. and not to be confused with Kate Beckinsale who was also in the aviator and his mother's washing him with that creepy black bar of soap talking to little Howard about how I has to be clean Q-U-A-R quarantine so the suspenders are great

Alexoh circle back suspenders

Merlinalso I put a link into what will be show notes to an episode of Reconcilable Differences

Alexfrom May

Merlinit's called Zaro Droogs and it's where John and I talk about drugs. And if you want to hear about the incredibly bizarre drugs I've taken, you can hear it there.

AlexThat was – no, no, that was clickbait. I got all excited for that. There was no new information in that episode.

MerlinI talked about San Pedro. I talked about 2CB. I talked about tab acid. I talked about cube acid. I talked about – I imagine I talked about all this. Hawaiian Woodrowse seeds, Alex. they put poison on the seeds so people won't eat them and get high. And so one of the rituals with Hawaiian wood rose seeds is you sit there, sit around in a group, you take Hawaiian wood rose seeds in your left hand, come in with the milk, a razor blade in your right hand.

Oh, Lord. And you shave off the poison they have deliberately put on the outside, and then you make a tea and you trip balls.

AlexOh, yes, yes. Well, that's why I think I should be allowed at the age of 30 to maybe not acid or LSD, but I want a mushroom or something because I've read how—

MerlinI've never done mushrooms and I feel like I should have.

AlexWell, exactly.

MerlinDon't you see cartoon characters, Alex? I heard you see cartoon characters. I would be so into that.

AlexI want to. I want to. And because I spent like a month reading How to Change Your Mind by Michael Pollan, I feel like it would be an academic exercise. But you shared your drug experiences and I was like, yes, yes. Okay. Okay. And then what I was, but what I was there for.

MerlinWhat did you want that you didn't get?

AlexI was there for a friend of me of the show, John Siracusa.

MerlinOh, fuck that guy.

AlexI wanted to hear just about any, any, any sort of high school debauchery.

MerlinI want to hear about one goddamn time he goes, wow, I'll have a glass of wine at Christmas. It's like, shut the fuck up.

AlexOh, okay.

MerlinTell me something crazy that you did. Tell me about a time that you were in Thailand and somebody put something in your drink. Tell me something like that. Give me some Hunter S. Thompson shit, John.

AlexWell, but that's the thing. I didn't even want that. I don't expect him to walk across Germany without shoes. I was like, oh, did he get drunk and then say, fuck the police and smash his malt liquor like a John Mulaney? Or did he?

MerlinThey ruined that guy's house.

AlexThey just ruined it. Or like, oh, I tried a cigarette. But no, none of that.

MerlinYou want me to kill him? That sounds like a real asshole. Oh, gosh. See you tonight in improv class. Hawaiian baby wood rose. Other names. Argrea nervosa. Argrea speciosa. Baby Hawaiian wood rose. Baby wood rose. It's 3 p.m. on Wednesday. Please welcome baby wood rose.

And it says here, Hawaiian baby wood rose. Hawaiian baby wood rose is an ornamental plant that is related to the Morning Glory plant. It grows in Florida, California, and Hawaii. The seeds are used to make medicine. Despite serious safety concerns, Hawaiian baby wood rose is used for pain relief, but it's more famous used as a hallucinogen. Internet sellers promote Hawaiian baby wood rose as a, quote, natural LSD.

AlexHuh. Wait. Well, oh, I mean, isn't that what mushrooms? That's sort of what mushrooms are. Because I'm an expert, because I read a book.

MerlinIt's my understanding. LSD can be a pretty harsh, sharp – LSD, you've got to be careful in my experience.

AlexYeah.

MerlinYou don't know what's in there and holy shit. I have days like today where I do think to myself, I wonder how different I would be if I hadn't taken drugs. I do think about it. I think about it twice a month. I'm like, I did a fair amount of hallucinogens in college and a little bit after.

The pot doesn't do anything.

Alexwe would have never been friends as younger people just really we well oh no i i would be the person like going to your going going to your band's uh shows trying to like hit on the the girls at the at the show but oh you would have loved it i know i know girls in the 90s oh my

Merlingod the baby doll dresses and the bangs combat boots oh shit dog yeah those were like peak dike days they could climb a fence is what i'm saying big dike days we don't i see they're allowed to say that you're yeah trouble i'm don't use the adjective version of that or causes a rift uh yeah i mean i'm gonna add to the sheet is do drugs we kind of did that with pot before i

Alexrediscovered pot but i'm gonna put do drugs no i was chided by both you and is that the right word chided i'd yeah i'll take chided yeah what do we yell you about yeah you guys were like do you do you really want to be be known as the person who who's who is paid to do drugs and i'm like i mean don't throw me in the briar patch i mean i mean well this is the future that liberals want

Merlinchallenge this week guys i think from me yes and the challenge is if you've ever seen the movie inception you know that there's a bit in the movie that we learn um i think it's uh leo says to Elliot, hey, listen, you need this thing called a totem. And a totem is

an item that you have that you're so familiar with. Nobody's allowed to touch. Nobody else is allowed to be aware of it. Stop me anytime here. You wish. But the idea is you get a totem. So you will be able to have, in his case, he spins this cute little top that you can buy, of course. It's a very SkyMall purchasing decision. But you need something that you know extremely well. And then basically, I don't know if you have to, you can remind me, but the idea is that it has something you're so intimately familiar with that you will have a way to know whether you are in someone else's dream.

Tell me if I got that right.

AlexI believe so, except I don't think that you mentioned that this is from the Christopher Nolan film inception.

MerlinChristopher Nolan with the, yeah, yeah, yeah.

AlexI forgot about that scene with the walls, like where they actually walk around and move. Yes.

MerlinThat's an amazing, I mean, I have to imagine from a technical standpoint, that's when the mirror when elliot figures out how to like move the the mirror around and it's basically like getting what he's talking about like make a maze make her draw a maze in one minute that uh no what is draw a maze it'll take me one minute to solve or like i don't tell me what your plan is otherwise you know marianne marianne uh what's her name will show up will And Marianne.

AlexShe pops up everywhere.

MerlinRIP to a real one. I don't know how to say her name, and I'm embarrassed. It's the Marianne Cotillard? Oh, I don't know. Cotillard. I don't like the sound of that at all.

AlexI do not either.

MerlinMarianne Cotillard. Large max. Saturday is treat day. What are we going to do by Friday where Elliot Smith moves mirrors around? did you see how quick they changed their name everywhere it was pretty cool

Alexoh yes why was it cool oh here's the thing

Merlinand now they're getting divorced and that sucks

Alexbut when Elliot

Merlinmade

Alexhe uses they slash them pronouns

Merlinbut when Ellen says now I'm Elliot and like yay it was so cool and as we all know Elliot's wife is she's a dish she's so cute now they're getting divorced I said to my daughter I think it might be a little bit of an against me situation

Alexwhere like

Merlinyou try and like but every relationship is so fucking hard to begin with

Alexyeah

Merlinand then like can you be I mean and sometimes it really works out great and people stay together for 50 years but I totally understand

Alexyes hopefully oh shit

Merlinyou do that

Alexyeah I really don't want him to be my practice wife but yeah sorry anyway stardom divorce that it genuinely

Merlinbummed me. It was kind of cool the way they changed it so many places so fast. Well, you

Alexgotta prepare for that. In fact, I remember helping. Tell me about that. Because if someone's going to troll you...

MerlinWhat we're talking about here is... Am I dead naming when I do that? But just for people who are more familiar with the... Probably, unless they follow this Mishigas, is that there was an acting person who we know from what? X-Men movie?

AlexJuno, which is where...

MerlinJuno, the pregnant person in Juno.

AlexYes.

MerlinOh, so cute. Because of the belly, not in spite of, so cute.

AlexBecause of me.

MerlinLook at that little tummy. Isn't that cute?

AlexNo, it was very upsetting.

MerlinOh, because you were young.

AlexYou were a young man. Yes, yes. I mean, I had never gotten close to any.

MerlinMichael Cera in a sweatband, you never got over it.

AlexOh, oh my gosh. See, that was what I.

MerlinHer name's Knives Chow.

Alexshe's chinese i i don't want to like steal a bisexual valor but everybody in in scott pilgrim

Merlinis just very hot oh my god oh my god it's like when we watch the boys and i was like everyone in this is so pretty yes yes i love it's like frenchy we have agreed that every show that's Gruesome and stressful, like our beloved The Boys, the favorite show in our house right now. There needs to be a – there's just one episode of The Boys where the – call her the female. I forget her name. But, you know, the cool girl. And she and Frenchie are a little bit of an item, you know.

AlexBut there's this one where they bake and Frenchie is teaching her how to bake.

MerlinAnd it's like – when we get to – Em and I are always like, there should be – for every show like this that breaks our heart over and over, there should be like a Christmas special, a holiday special. where they just bake and have fun and watch The Price is Right. Like something just really mellow where we just get to hang out with these people. And Homelander's not going to show up and throw Ryan off the roof. God, that guy's a jerk. He has a good Twitter. Have you seen his dog on Twitter? He has a very high quality dog.

AlexDig, dig, dig, dig, circle back. Totem. Divorce, totem. I was curious.

MerlinAnd so you prepare to say, I want to navigate this carefully

Alexbecause I'm legit.

MerlinI'm not trying to be cute about this. I don't want to hurt anybody with my words. But so like when would you call is that part of transitioning?

AlexOh, oh, so you mean. OK, so. All right.

MerlinWe're circling back to like you're like you're like, you know, and you're like this is this is the person that I am. And it's, you know, like back in the day to make a lot of things official in life, you used to have to print something in the paper.

AlexYes.

MerlinSo like, you know what I mean? Like you say, OK, I've just formed an LLC or blah, blah, blah. And you have to have like this. I think what a public statement about it. And I think it must be a little bit like that where you're like, there's going to be the big reveal in a while, but there's a lot of prep work to get to where I announced that this is who I am and who I've always been, perhaps. What goes into that? When do you when you must start that pretty early?

AlexOh, well, I mean, I was talking more about the logistics of coming out via like social media, like that aside from the whole legal name change situation.

MerlinWhich can be very, very challenging.

AlexOh.

MerlinOr at least historically, it's been something where they're just going to give you this driver's license to be a dick.

AlexIt's still like – Chicago's – or all of Illinois actually is fairly like really progressive in terms of trans rights. It's great, but it's still really hard logistically and financially. But in some states, it's just like –

MerlinYeah, just what you need. You just need, on top of everything else, you need another bill.

AlexYeah, yeah, yeah. Like, here's a bill for existing.

MerlinYeah, just generating an invoice for your humanity.

AlexYou're welcome. But I mean, but I think you were asking if the name they went by previously is considered a dead name. And it's different for each person. Like for Matt, he –

MerlinDoesn't dead naming classically mean you deliberately misgendered me with this name that I don't use anymore? Isn't that a big part of it? Yes. It's a sort of – I don't know. More than a microaggression. Like you're actively trying to tell me I'm somebody whom I'm not. You're not allowed to do that. And when you call me by that name.

AlexMm-hmm. Yeah. Right? Is that kind of it? Yeah. Call me by your name. That was a terrible movie. Oh, God.

MerlinThat movie.

AlexTerrible movie. Eat the peach, eat the girl, whatever.

MerlinGoddamn peach. I still... No.

AlexYeah.

MerlinOh, speaking of eating.

AlexYeah, I know.

MerlinI could eat a peach all day. So tell me more and then we'll talk about totals.

AlexAll right. Dead naming is when you refer to a trans person by the name they were given at birth. And but but but with the caveat that not the majority of people I know refer to it as dead naming. But, for example, Matt does not does not consider the name he was given at birth his dead name. So like dead naming is a thing that you, you know, do.

But people often just refer.

MerlinOh, I see. It's like the verb other people do versus the noun that you observe.

AlexYeah. So dead name is a noun and it's not necessarily a negative noun for some people. It's just what it is. Negative noun. Negative noun. These guys were great. I had the first EP. But it's I mean, it's hard when you're like I there are people now that do like consulting for how journalists are supposed to like cover this kind of stuff to, you know, respect any humanity.

MerlinSure. Well, the reason I mentioned it here is like, I mean, I'm not trying to do this to be a dick. If anything, I'm trying super hard to not be a dick. And I'm probably overperforming this because I realize now how hurtful it is to get that stuff wrong. And I've gotten that wrong a lot, usually unintentionally, sometimes for effect. And that sucks that I did that. But I'm just trying to say here, for example, like, okay, so like, God, I get so confused. Wendy Carlos. This is so confusing because one of my favorite American poets is William Carlos Williams.

And you've got Walter Williams became Wendy Williams, and that has nothing to do with William Carlos Williams. It's very, very confusing. But if there's somebody who became very well known with one name and identity, like how do I talk about the actress from Juno without being an unintentional asshole?

AlexI think that he came out and also said, like, hey, you can like you can mention what I was known. I was known as Ellen Page. But because it is it's really hard because you want to respect that person's identity as well as support them like while coming out. And so it's I mean, and it was easy.

MerlinOtherwise, people aren't going to know who you're talking about. Right. I mean.

AlexYeah, and you want to share and celebrate that person. And it's, yeah, it's a...

MerlinDid you listen to, you heard the EPM, you heard that, we talked about it last week, but the whoops all Miss Connections episode, you heard that?

AlexYes, the, yeah.

MerlinThere's a great line in there from somebody saying that, I think saying I'm a trans woman and I want to meet a person, da-da-da-da, but I don't want to have to walk them through trans 101.

AlexYep.

MerlinI love that phrase. Can we do that here? I would like to start a new segment called Alex does unnecessary emotional labor where I ask you things that I need to be educated about. And you famously have absolutely no need to tell me about. I think that would be very useful to me. But I got a corker. I got a corker. I got one. I don't know who to ask because it sounds difficult. It sounds like I'm being dim. May I ask you a question?

AlexYes, please.

MerlinIf you are a person who has parents, which I'm given to believe most people have in some form or fashion.

AlexYes.

MerlinSo for the sake of argument, let's say, you know, I'm Mary Smith and I have these two parents. Well, let's say I'm, what is it, Alex and Bob or whatever. So like I have these two parents. One was born a man and one was born a woman. My father, whom I love very much, is now a trans woman.

Alexwell do you want me to get into the you would be corrected i want to get you i want you to get into the no i want you to get into the mom and dad tell me correct me go go go so so people uh prefer to be like were like assigned at birth assigned at birth right yes okay fuck i'm sorry god damn it cut that out quinn cut it out no i i would actually i i if you are comfortable i would say keep that in because you asked can I ask you these

questions and I was like yes.

MerlinI was kidding. I agree. Well hopefully somebody else can learn. Alex is here to do everyone's emotional labor. Where do we stand on that? Have you fixed all the things? Did you do everything?

AlexWait. Fix the implicit everything?

MerlinAll the emotional work? Oh gosh. Okay. A sign at birth versus the thing I said that's

Alexa bad okay yeah but well and also it's the also the reason to sort of correct people for with that is is not just well a lot of times it is virtue signaling like if you had not asked me i wouldn't be like wow um but later i'd be like no that's the point that's the point of the segment if you're gonna do the emotional labor i should make some dough off the exactly exactly so so when someone says AFAB or AMAB, then you know that it is someone...

MerlinAssigned female at birth?

AlexMm-hmm. Yep. And that's... Oh, okay. Right. So...

MerlinWhat about... What is ACAB?

AlexI mean, that's an opinion about cucumbers.

MerlinCucumber lives matter.

AlexYep, yep.

MerlinWe'll get it to you by Friday. And so, like so many things, I'm going to guess.

AlexOh, sorry. You call that person.

MerlinMom or dad, depending on your shared personal preference.

AlexOh, yeah. I mean, it's each family.

MerlinWhat about when you're talking about biology, though? How do you say, let's say your AFAB progenitor. becomes a trans man how do you talk about that in terms of literally the biology stuff am i being am i being joanne here all right it just seems like you have to you have to work that out yourself

Alexit's whatever you prefer it's well and that's the thing it's like like why would you want slash need to know not uh or royal you um like why do you need to like know what is some in someone's pants

MerlinBecause you want to know if they're supposed to be in this bathroom or not. Thank you very much. This has been emotional labor, unpaid, unnecessary, emotional labor with Alex, or as I like to call it, Trans 101.

AlexTo be continued. Totem. Okay. This is going to be quick.

MerlinI think this is going to be very quick.

AlexI just want to know, well, I want to know why you thought of this challenge. Is it because Inception came onto Netflix and it just got in your brain?

MerlinOh, no, no, no. We own it. I mean, as much as the EULA lets us own it.

AlexCan you ever own, don't, are you saying you own Elliot Page? Wow, wow, wow, wow, wow.

MerlinI thought we had an arrangement. No, no, no, no, no. You know why? Because I was doing what I'm doing exactly right now at the same point in the show last week. And yeah, we had watched some Inception recently. It was a fascinating movie. I just love Tom Hardy. He brightens everything he's in. Anyway, great movie. But kind of the two parts to the totem thing. On the one hand, I disambiguated this for the challenge in my head.

So the idea in the film is you've got this item that you're extremely familiar with that you always carry with you and would let you know if you're in somebody's dream, like QED, as we discussed. And I don't know. And to me, it's interesting to split those into two things if you're talking about reality stuff. Like, first of all, how would I know if I'm in somebody else's dream is a very interesting question to somebody like me. But also, I was playing, as I said last week, with this three-part brass thing from my blue Yeti mic stand.

AlexMm-hmm. Oh, yeah.

MerlinAnd I mentioned my troubles. I'm trying to get – I finally figured it out. I finally cracked this nut. Trying to figure out how to do camera stuff at my desk in a way that's not going to make me drop a camera.

AlexCool.

MerlinAnd so there's this little – you've got one of those arms, right?

AlexWell, save it for the after show. But, I mean, I do have at least one arm outside of my body. Okay.

MerlinSo there's this thing. First of all, you got the, what is it, probably a 5.8, 16? I don't know. But anyway, you got this one thing that fits into the hole for, you know, the arm. You got this middle brass thing that's whatever that functions as like a washer. Not a washer, but you know what I mean, so you can tighten something up. And then that attached, the bolt then goes through this other, which is the smaller size, which is probably three-eighths maybe. And these three pieces are made of, I think, brass.

It is so satisfying to play with this thing, and it really wants to be my total. And so why did I want to do this? I don't know. I like touching things with my hands, you know. And maybe it's because it's on, what did you say, Netflix now? I don't know why. What did you come up with?

AlexWell, as soon as you proposed this challenge, I immediately knew what I was going to choose because I have a totem. And listen, Stephen Hackett and Mike Hurley, don't listen. You're banned. You're banned. Don't listen to this part. That's a bummer. Okay. So I think or I previously thought that challenge coins were stupid and they were a dumb Kickstarter reward. And I'm like, these are all bad. And then one of them, I think, gifted me a Relay AFM challenge coin at some point.

Cool. And it is so good.

MerlinOh, yeah.

AlexI got one of those somewhere. Yeah.

MerlinIt's pretty heavy, right?

AlexIt's very heavy. It's very satisfying. It helped when I had my tiny tumor in my hand.

MerlinI remember your hand tumor.

AlexYeah. Handy, we called them. Yeah. when i when i was oh sorry they doing doing doing my handies i i uh would would practice like just moving it around and i needed to practice my fingering because you probably got to like

Merlinstretch it and yeah yeah well yeah because like you got to get back that did you have you did have some like not atrophy but like loss of like fine skills and stuff like that yeah i can't do

Alexi can't do my magic tricks anymore so you don't need to worry about that can you pick can you

Merlinpick your nose can you pick your nose with it to any level of satisfaction oh i haven't tried but

Alexyou know i've got a project for later it's hard the older you get i think it's harder to pick your

Merlinnose because you get big you get big fingers and then your nostrils your ears your ears grow but like you know you got to get a finger in there oh i so you move it around do you do that thing that you that creepy magic thing where you make a coin turn around your fingers is that what

Alexyou're talking about yeah that's so that's what i would practice doing what's that call what's that

MerlinWhat's that thing called?

AlexWell, I never – Magician never reveals their secrets. Oh, it doesn't reveal the name of it. But here's the problem with my challenge coin right now. Challenge? God. Now we should make a challenge coin. I have proposed that and I believe it was shot down by both of you, but it was because –

MerlinOh, okay. That sounds like me. I do that. Yeah.

AlexYeah. No, no. it the the thing is i play with it like every single day basically all day i'm sure people have heard me dropping it during various podcast recordings the way tiff drops pop tarts there's such a funny episode there's like 30 kinds of pop tarts so gross oh hey hey everybody listen to uh top four oh welcome to Dubai Friday yeah we like podcasts here but um there's like i i know every part of of this coin like if you can ask me where stuff is

like i i would say oh yeah i know it inside and out but then i went to put um the picture of it in the show notes and i don't know i always thought there were 18 little spokes on the side Here, let me send you this. But I think I might be in a dream right now. Because do you count 19 little spokes?

MerlinOh, no. It's not adding up. Oh, God. Alex, that had not occurred to me. We should have taken that into account.

AlexWell, that's my thing. Holy shit.

MerlinWe could be in one another's dreams or somebody else's dreams.

AlexRight. And now I'm like freaking out.

MerlinOh, my God. What if we're in Roe Rogan's dream right now?

AlexIt's, oh. I know. Oh, Rogan.

MerlinPresident Rogan's Dream. I love that movie. It's like this by Whit Stillman.

AlexOh, I mean, what? That's... I mean, exactly. What if Mr. Stillman put 20 little spokes instead of...

MerlinThey call me Mr. Stillman.

AlexAnyway, this is also...

MerlinOh, these shoes are horrible. What are these shoes? Oh, my God. What have you sent?

AlexOh, when you talked about just one handies, those are shoes that I hope to buy.

MerlinGive us your fucking money.com because we're going to be talking about the Nike Go Fly E's. That sounds like me trying to pronounce something. Go Fly E's.

AlexYes. A horrible name. And the Go is in all caps.

MerlinFly E's is in camel case.

AlexBecause it's easy. It's easy. Get a horse.

MerlinIs it for flying? Okay.

AlexBut anyway.

MerlinHow many ridges? 17, you think?

Alexjazz break merlin what what was uh your totem because i don't know if i'm in someone's dream

Merlinand or hallucination you know i didn't really get one i didn't really get one um i mean i continue to play with the brass dingus but um but i i i mean i this is one of those classic merlins where like i did the challenge but i didn't like win the challenge you know what i I mean, because sometimes, do or not do, there is no try, as Elizabeth Holmes had printed on a wall. Do you know what I'm saying? And the baby Yoda has chia hair now, is what I'm saying. I mean, I did. I thought about it a lot because I'm very interested in dreams.

I know dreams are brain garbage, but I find them very interesting. I had a professor at New College, Dr. David Dykstra. He was great.

AlexYou can't say that word. We're done here. Sorry. Sorry. Это MLMAD он из исторических Cait Europa та Pandora актуально терял эту жизнь по центру bana pine Он lum связывается на свой канал « Zoom».

Show notes

Transcript

225. The Cocaine Window

Show notes

Transcript

0:00

0:20

0:22

0:23

0:27

0:30

0:52

0:59

1:09

1:21

1:22

1:38

1:41

1:50

1:52

2:00

2:02

2:09

2:13

2:33

2:39

3:00

3:32

3:56

3:59

4:37

4:40

4:42

4:59

5:06

5:09

5:12

5:37

5:41

5:44

5:50

5:55

6:00

6:01

6:01

6:04

6:21

6:24

6:26

6:35

6:42

6:46

7:01

7:03

7:05

7:08

7:09

7:12

7:29

7:44

7:47

7:54

7:58

8:09

8:10

8:16

8:46

9:08

9:12

9:15

9:23

9:28

9:33

9:39

9:58

10:01

10:02

10:04

10:10

10:12

10:15

10:31