189. Blood Niece

AlexThis is Do By Friday, a weekly challenge podcast with Merlin Mann, Alex Cox and Max Temkin. This week's challenge, order something from B&H.

Speaker AGood morning.

AlexGood morning, Merlin. How are you doing?

Speaker AHey, how's it going?

AlexOh, my God.

Speaker AWhat's wrong?

AlexI don't know.

MerlinOkay.

AlexAll buildings matter. How are you doing?

MerlinI'm great. I mean, what are you going to do? What can you do? I'm good. I'm good. My daughter is in receipt of a second, second, second gift from you.

AlexOh?

MerlinAnd you made her very happy once again.

AlexOh.

MerlinAlexandra sent my daughter watch bands, and it's really, she loves them.

AlexYeah.

MerlinYou're so nice.

AlexHappy Pride. Happy Pride.

MerlinI think we should call you Auntie. Auntie. Auntie.

AlexAuntie.

Speaker AAuntie. Thank you for my pride, Auntie.

AlexI love my rainbow, Auntie. With my blood niece, if you will.

Speaker AIs that how you derive your power? You pull out the heart plug and... Come on to Auntie, blood niece. Auntie requires you're fresh. You're fresh.

I'm getting a little dizzy. Oh, come to Auntie.

AlexOh, gosh.

MerlinAnyway, you got a blood niece and you got a... See, I always get confused. Now, what's Cara's your... What do you call Cara?

AlexCara is my best friend or platonic life partner. I've got Matchy, who is the gay, queer... Who the fuck knows what we are anymore? The life partner.

MerlinYou know what? You just earned yourself 50 cents in the gender jar.

AlexI... And then I have a blood niece Who came out of my sister-in-law's vagina

Speaker AAnd she's amazing

AlexWell, that's what happened

Speaker AWell There's all kinds of things

MerlinThat I could choose to describe In more detail It was so nice of you to get those gifts For my daughter

Alexwho came as a result of me fucking my wife vagina uh well sorry that's just one thing that that's one thing that uh most happens to most children oh are we having the d are we you're

Merlinfinally gonna sit me down for the talk is that it i'm finally gonna get the talk

Alexthey uh um but my my brother-in-law and not my brother-in-law damn it my uh blood brother my blood my blood sibling and sister-in-law were like uh oh say hi to auntie allie and i'm like shut this down shut this down and and matry's like oh it's auntie alex i'm like shut it down

Merlinwe're shutting this down oh not to change the topic but are you in a family where you get to

Alexsay aunt we we do get to say aunt and not aunt god damn it god damn it i'm married into this

Merlinfucking new england bullshit family that says aunt and of course um uh my wife my wife has a blood sister named ann or annie and so now whenever i say her name i end up saying auntie annie because no fucking person says aunt in ohio do you think it's a midwestern thing i bet it's

Alexa midwestern thing we say aunt like a person oh 100 yes we would um you would be mocked and bullied in my school.

MerlinGood.

AlexIf you said aunt.

MerlinSo auntie Alex has a blood niece. Yeah, yeah. And you love her very much. Does she smell good? I bet she smells good. Did you smell the baby? I didn't smell the baby. Why don't you smell the baby? You gotta smell the baby.

AlexBecause I don't know. Because I haven't been tested for COVID.

MerlinIt's the second best thing to a blood boy. It's just really, get it in there.

AlexIt really is. Oh. she's got a big head so it must be a big uh hopefully wrinkly brain

Merlinyou know that's what they say you know large feet large um you get uh so what what are we

Alexdoing here what's happening god i don't know do do we talk about uh how we're a problematic show because i said fuck all cops on twitter and other places do we seed the floor what are you talking

Merlinwhat are you talking about oh i got it we're hang on okay we are a problematic show because i'm sorry i'm trying to i'm trying to piece this together i guess i'm not following the trades so you said angry cop things and now people don't like us yeah so sorry thank you for your service

Alexokay oh is this because of the guy on discord oh yeah we we banned uh pretty much everyone from our discord who was like listen not to play devil's advocate but like the the word devil's

Merlinadvocate him. The devil doesn't need, the devil does not need an advocate right now.

AlexI think that guy's good. He's got plenty of

Merlinpeople actively working. He's got an entire phalanx of attorneys working on his behalf. Don't worry. The devil is good. Don't worry. And when I say, not bad meaning bad, but bad meaning good. What?

No, we can talk about that if you want.

AlexNot all violin players.

MerlinDon't bring pain upon yourself. Auntie Alex. Don't do it.

AlexOh, I'm...

MerlinStupid can't stick to you, baby.

AlexOh, yeah, no, it truly doesn't. Nothing has bounced.

MerlinI don't believe that for a second. I think you think about things.

AlexThink about... Oh, yes, I do. I think about too many things too often. But let's unpack this for a moment. What do you think?

MerlinAbout what?

AlexI don't know. You said you think I think about things.

MerlinWell, no. I mean, if we're going to talk like people here, I do sometimes – you've explained this or begun to explain this to me in the past in a way that I think I start to understand it, but then I ultimately do not. It seems like part of your approach is to like you're going to make fun of yourself better than other people can is the idea, maybe.

AlexOh, absolutely. Yeah.

MerlinIs that externalized or is that – I'm asking this as a question, and really I mean it more as like, what do you call it in psychology? An accusation. Be careful not to get too good at that. Unless, unless, unless it's helping.

AlexThis is something that beloved character Hannah Gatsby talks about in Nanette, the very long TED Talk.

MerlinIs she a Warren supporter?

AlexI don't, is that?

MerlinAre you talking about big structural Hannah?

AlexBig, big, but there's this whole bit in the net about, you know, if they've been punching down on us by they, I guess she means the system as a as a gay comedian. like yeah other comedians have been punching down on so many people so let's not continue to punch down on ourselves which just feels like in just another thing to give up like i it's not like

being queer is the most boring thing about me i'm so weird in so many other ways and there's so many other ways to make fun of me and like that so i think it's it's that it's like that one thing where i'm like you can't you can't take that i always feel like i mean like i'm not a scholar

Merlinof this let alone somebody who's experienced this but it strikes me that part of the long-standing um well okay like like you look at certain kinds of famous a famous sense of humor one famous sense of humor, I think, understandably, is the Russian sense of humor, which is such a black sense of humor. In Russia and the Soviet Union, I think, in particular, there's a very, like, there's a Wikipedia page about this. It's remarkable, the kind of, boy, you think American jokes are dark.

But I think there is a different but not totally dissimilar thing in queer culture, it feels like. I'm not trying to queersplain. I'm just being, like, if you go back and watch something, like I say, even going back to watching something like Boys in the Band or looking at the way Polari works or any of that stuff where it's about, I don't know if I said that word right. I've never said it out loud. But the idea of, like, sort of the way you read somebody or the way, you know, you kind of do the dozens with people or there's just this constant, you know, it feels like there is this only slightly coded way

of dressing down your peers. Kind of like in the way John Roderick talked about, you know, in high school, where like you just almost have this almost like sibling relationship of just merciless teasing of the people that you love the most until you like make them insane. And it feels like that. It feels like there's a historical precedent for that in a whole bunch of different queer cultures that includes not only, and am I going to tear you down, Mary, but like I, but you're never going to, you're never going to knock me as hard as I can, you know, sort of knock myself.

AlexYes. And it is hard to distinguish what sometimes what of that is just internalized self-hatred and what of it is, you know.

MerlinIt's like lawyers know all the best lawyer jokes.

AlexYeah. Yeah. And I don't know. I don't really even know what we're talking about because there's like two there's two separate things. There's reclaiming all reclaiming jokes that are made about you and then just actually hating yourself. So I I think I mean, I don't know. One thing it's like I feel weird talking about my own sadness in the midst of, you know, the country burning and the George Floyd protests.

But I think you say this very well, like because there's horrific pain and injustice and suffering in the world doesn't mean towards one group of people for, you know, all of America's, literally all of our country's history. I think it's good for white people to to feel that especially like quote white minorities like people who compare the gay experience to black folks I'm like no no like most of us there there

was a closet for most of us like I got to be a white woman for my entire childhood and was the like literally the most protected class in history um the uh by protected i mean let me put my waistcoat over the mud my lady um but yeah it's gonna be so difficult for you wearing all

Merlinof these corsets that we gave you to make it hard to run away i don't know it's just uh

AlexI have DB. Oh, sorry. Oh, hello. Hello. Sorry. Matchy says hello. Hello. I'm Matchy. He walked in and the media said, I'm not talking to you. I'm not talking to you, which I think defeats the purpose.

MerlinI'm not here. I'll just be here for a minute. I mean, not here for a minute.

AlexI'm not every, it's, just pretend like I'm not here.

MerlinI'm not trying to, I'm not trying to judge you and I'm not even really trying to help you. That is none of my business unless you would wish it. I just want to make sure that, like, you know, I hope people can be terrible to other people, especially strangers. You've probably never known that, but people can be terrible to strangers and don't even realize how terrible they are to strangers. And I don't know. You know what? I'm going to stop talking. I hate the idea that you would become an unnecessarily overavailable accumulator of self-hate.

AlexInteresting.

MerlinUnless it's helping.

AlexNo. I think even over the course of how long you've known me, I think I have sort of, well, maybe plateaued at the amount of self-hatred. It's all about flattening the curve. But really, I don't know. You've never...

MerlinNo, no, go ahead. Ask me anything. I'm an open book. Actually, I'm not. But no, no, I'm just trying to understand what you're asking me.

AlexI'm struggling to understand what I'm asking you as well. Because I think this started because a bunch of people were, not a bunch, I was actually very pleased.

MerlinYou spend, it strikes me that you spend, I'm sorry, let's try to, I'll frame where I'm coming from on this in a way that will hopefully be more sensible. I can rarely tell the extent to which it is a bit how much you look, especially on the internet, for the edgiest conceivable thing that you can find.

And sometimes that's, like I say, we kid or not, that you get a different internet than I do because you find the most fucked up shit and seem to really like roll around in it. And I can get that. But you also seem to run straight into the fire if there's anything that could be an attack on you. And like, then you sort of roll around in that sometimes. And that's what I struggle to understand sometimes, whether that's like, oh, here's my thing, everybody make fun of it, or whether that's, and like, that's the thing that's foreign to me. And while I'm not trying to sound judgy, I am saying that is the part that's perplexing to me,

like I say, unless it helps. If it helps, that's good. If that makes you strong like bull, and you're just developing the immunity against that by extended exposure to it, My only fond hope, like for anybody I love, would be that you not do it just to prove you're as terrible as you think you are, because that would suck. I feel confident saying that to you because I really like you. And I would want to say that you don't suck. And I would hate to see you overperform the amplification of vulnerability that makes it harder and harder to figure out who you really are, because that would suck.

I just want people to be happy, Alex.

AlexI know.

MerlinSorry, fuck this. This is too deep. I'm sorry. I hope you have enough metaphysical distance from that performance to realize that you're awesome and the world can suck a bag of dicks. You can quote me on that.

You get mad because Alex said that? Well, fuck yourself, buddy. I don't care. I have a more pointed opinion about that. To quote the great Bobby Hill, I don't know you. That's my purse. Fuck you.

I'm sorry if you suddenly have an unusually strong feeling about anything that vaguely involves me or people I know, but fuck you. It's a terrible time and terrible things are happening. And if that is the hill that you want to pass out on, that's fine, fella. But keep your hands off Auntie Alex.

AlexI don't know. I think it is part of like I have all the calluses of Gamergate. I have developed some skills from the like dregs of, oh, I don't even know if the Proud Boys were around then. It was just, you know, the ethics in video game boys.

MerlinIt kind of feels like it's just the same rancid bottle of pee with slightly different labels every few years. And I feel the same way where like the overflow of what we called this at the time, just like, you know, lonely old violent men, like whoever the fuck these people are, they keep showing up and they still can't grow a mustache. And, you know, they're obviously very sad. And, but I mean, you know, you look at somebody, I bet, I have not researched this, because I will not pull up a whole ton of top level domains that are out there. But I'll have,

I have to bet that, um, setting aside the, I believe, lesbian woman who coined, uh, the term involuntary celibacy, I bet that was a pretty funny joke amongst people on 35chan for a while. Just a funny joke. Just a funny joke. Oh, I'll never get laid. I'm an involuntary celibate. I'm, you know, I'm droopy. And, uh, but then, boy, it just didn't seem like it took very long for that to go from a laugh to a laugh cry to a cry.

AlexYep.

MerlinI think we should skip this week.

AlexI don't. I disagree. Or why?

MerlinWell, now Max says he's going to be here in 30 minutes. And I don't know how we make this into something that's usable.

AlexQuinn.

MerlinBut, or, or, unless.

AlexUnless. Oh, we, well, and then.

MerlinNo, you say we just keep going. Keep making a marathon.

AlexKeep it a marathon and then throw it away.

MerlinMake it heavier.

AlexNo, not heavier.

MerlinI don't know. I have poop in my garage right now that I have to meet a plumber to do later, so I can't.

AlexLiteral poop?

MerlinOh, sorry. Plumber's coming out. A second plumber. We've had one plumber come out twice for $600. They haven't fixed it. So now we have a third plumber visit happening this afternoon that I have to be there for. So I'm looking forward to that.

Alexso uh all plumbers matter it's it's a weird time there's a thin pipeline people to be I mean, how can you do a funny, silly podcast when you see so many, not just friends, but, you know, human beings in pain?

MerlinThis is why there was no humor in the 50s and 60s.

AlexYeah. What? I mean, I don't know. Yeah, you're right. It probably isn't a good idea to stay up until 3 a.m. watching Cops People.

MerlinI love that show. Is that the musical one? Cops People, they're coming around. They got sticks instead of dicks. They're cops.

Alexi i this this is the i remember this is the question i was going to ask you uh when's the first time you felt like an adult i promise this will go somewhere no it's okay um i mean just i

Merlinmean that further information oh just you were like i have you're asking a liberal arts major when did you first feel like an adult I could see you know this shit for five days which what uh which kind

Alexof adults all right I don't know

Merlinwhen I when I well somewhere after object permanence and before tomorrow

Speaker AI think

Merlinum I don't know I mean there was some there were somewhere I mean like okay so I'll try to I'll uh I'll disambiguate this for myself uh the different kinds of development uh the kind of development that's that's physical the kind of development that is uh emotional psychosocial uh then the kind of development i think the most interesting sense of that question for me would be oh shit of like oh this is a different kind of problem that i have now where you know and and it's it's the it's that uh sort of like life kind of tumbling over uh

like a shelf of books onto you where you go, oh, oh, I shit. Why do I have to realize five things at one time? Why do I have to realize how relatively small and transient most of my problems have been my whole life? How did I never realize how much mostly other people took care of those problems for me? How did I never realize just how little I had to deal with that would leave a mark? so like I remember realizing in the sitting

this is not my sole final answer to the question but one that always sticks out in my mind was to cut a long story short so my girlfriend and I had gone to Manhattan to go to museums and hang out and see Manhattan in 1989 over what's called the interterm the you know ISP, the month of January between the two quarters 414 scheduled. So anyway, we went to Manhattan and stayed at a YMCA that I think is now gone near Madison Square Garden.

And, you know, I had come into some money in my second year of college. And I knew I was not tracking my spending and future needs as well as I should. and I have a specific recollection of being very agitated to where I couldn't sleep. So I went down to the lobby of that YMCA and it was the first time I ever sat down and like really thought it all the way through.

And I remember realizing I don't have enough money to pay for college. I don't have enough money to pay for my next semester of college. And I remember that really kind of landing on me and just kind of, yeah, I don't even think I had a piece of paper. I might've, but I remember just doing the basic math on meeting my net. plus being able to pay for school. And I remember just the sense of like, I was just trembling because it was, again, it was like that bookshelf full of books just landing on you. I would say that's one. That's one where I feel like an adult.

Well, not in a good way. I felt like an adult in a bad way. I was like, wow, my pants are really fully down here and I have nobody to blame but myself. And there's nobody who can come in and mop this up for me, nor should they. That was a good one.

AlexNo, that's a very, very good one. I think, especially because as you alluded to, and what's also obvious is there's, I think, genres of adulthood that you find yourself in where you have the sitting down in the YMCA of like, oh, fuck. And I'll play the queer card. A lot of, there's very much a Peter Pan syndrome for a lot of folks.

Because you couldn't be yourself for most of, I'll just, fuck it, I'll just talk about me. Couldn't be.

MerlinYou grow up having to pretend that you're somebody that you're not.

AlexYeah. And it sucks.

MerlinAnd knowing that you're somebody else and knowing that you feel like your only sense of survival is to be somebody who you are not. That's true for you, to the hundredth power. That was me in some ways in a much, much, much smaller way, having to perform certain kinds of masculinity I never felt particularly comfortable with or good at.

But, like, I think everybody does that. But, boy, I bet you had to do that a hundred times more than other people.

Alexuh yes and which is why also there's like this fear of immaturity of like okay I've only been like a real adult for so long and am I qualified to do anything but there's the kind of other side where there's not a lot of people I could go to who I could look up to or emulate in some way or you know like that no one was gonna have some it no one's gonna sit down with you and have the

talk of like okay this is why uh some people are going to hate you this is how to keep yourself safe here's some stuff to do to you know make yourself feel better and part of the reason is there aren't a lot of older gay people in communities that I was in when I was younger because they all died in in the 90s from AIDS and as a result of that any basic a lot of people who

are queer in and in their 20s are like the elders of the community right and like as I I continue to say that I am 29 as long as possible since I'm going to be 30 soon and I'm very excited about that but a lot of people I talk to are younger than me and sometimes much younger and especially yesterday watching uh young queer black kids suffering so much knowing that it's not my

place to support them and just sit and listen and that's obvious and there's no problem with that at all but watching that the that pain is is really rough and normally um there's something that i

Merlincan do to help and uh it sounds like you have a lot i mean you haven't talked about a ton um on the show but i feel like it's it's been important to you to help like i don't know i mean if my gut is it sounds like you're very interested in helping like a kid who's no longer welcome at home and yeah that kind of thing like maybe with you know um like it's isn't like isn't homelessness

Alexlike a pretty huge problem amongst queer kids yeah lakeview has the high uh the neighborhood i live in um has the highest uh homeless queer population in the country which makes sense oh that's a feather in your cap uh i know oh boy not all midwesterners um i mean but it makes sense right because we're in chicago is the arguably not arguably is the biggest city and arguably the most liberal city in the midwest so sure yeah where do you go to when your parents kick you out and like what's

what's a train that will get you somewhere uh and especially now with there's you know a lot of resources and i hope that i can help provide some of those resources uh it's i i i think this

Merlinneighborhood's a pretty good place to be so is this a part of what kept you up last night was

Alexseeing that oh well and knowing that there i have um a lot of friends who've been arrested and i mean not a lot like lots of people doesn't take that many to yeah it hurt exactly it doesn't as soon as you have one friend who's been in jail it feels like a lot this is why this is why it's so

Merlinconsoling to hear from so consoling to hear from the president when when he says even one is too many, you will not have died in vain.

AlexMm-hmm. Yeah.

MerlinI don't know. What does he think that means?

AlexI don't... Well...

MerlinHe uses it in... It's another one of his... in his little fake spiritualistic religious toolbox. It's right up there with looking down on us right now.

AlexOh, God. The fucking Bible. I know that there are just so many means, but the fucking Bible. It's like, what do you think

Merlinit's the end of... You think it's like fucking end of Return of the Jedi? Who do you think is looking down?

Speaker Athis is CNN

Alexoh god oh man I this is none of this is good Quinn cut all this out what? no I'm kidding see that's another thing when I speak about I feel very like the token queer and that's something for my other podcast go to 200girlfm.com

Merlinwell are you telling me I should meet another queer is that what you're saying seek out another one

Alexfor this show specific kick me off

Merlinalright well bring in more if you want we can get a half a dozen of them if you want bring them in stack them up like cordwood no like Stephen Colbert my black friend hey yes you are such an interesting to me from afar. I've hung out with you perhaps three or four times, maybe ever. But you strike me as such an interesting, unintentional pastiche of American intersectionality in a way that is

certainly confusing for America, and I imagine must sometimes be very odd to you.

AlexI have no idea what... Okay, let's unpack that. How so?

MerlinI mean, really?

AlexYeah, what?

Merlinyou grew up in the midwest in a fairly comfortable family presenting boy am i ever gonna get notes about this between hmm okay there's a reason we have a gender jar in the house and it's because i mean like me watching like um what was called work in progress yeah oh like i i'm i was a hundred percent invested in that show, paying a hundred percent attention to that show. And I would still

occasionally have to do a little bit of arithmetic in my head about what I should, quote unquote, should call the relationship between these two people. You are in a relationship like that now.

AlexYeah.

MerlinI mean, do you think, is that fair to say?

AlexYes.

MerlinLike if you had to explain to a bus driver, you didn't know what you're working with relationship-wise, is that a thing you could do without using your hands? It's like it would be, you know, and of course, you know, you could reel off the lingo, but the person would just stare blankly at you blinking. Like, what the fuck does that mean?

No, I don't know what keyhole means. Could you just please pay your fare and get on the bus? Having grown up as a, I imagine, straight presenting, woman presenting, woman, young woman, right? But then you also have some, like all of us, you have a certain, you know, we all have our things with our pipes and wiring.

AlexOh, my broken brain? Yeah.

MerlinWell, you got pipe things, you got wire things, you got physical things. You have an interesting array. There are elements to what you're working with where if you could choose any number of ways to primarily identify how you want the world to understand you. I mean, I would have absolutely not a single problem in the world that the primary way you chose to ally yourself, to present yourself was as a disability rights advocate

for folks with mental, emotional, et cetera stuff. Because I feel like that looms as large. I don't know. I'm not you. I don't have any way of knowing, but it feels like that looms large in your life, in your history, in your personal story that you have about your life. is that like when I say intersectionality, I mean, yeah, you're white or whatever, but you tick off a lot of boxes on the form.

AlexOh, yeah. I mean, in the oppression Olympics, I wouldn't get a gold, but maybe a place.

MerlinWhereas I don't. I'm the default American. I am right now the default American. I am like the median. I am the mean.

I mean, you know, all the rounding errors and decimals are the little people. I'm just that strong 5 out of 10.

I'm sorry, I'm not trying to explain your life to you. I just think that, I do think it's fascinating that, I don't know. I don't know. Sometimes it feels like you struggle with that because if you were to admit that each, not all, that each of those things is difficult in its own way. Difficult, difficult, lemon difficult. Like, you seem to be reluctant because you're worried you'll be called out about the other thing. And it's like, well, I don't know. All those things are really fucking hard.

There's nothing about what you're dealing with that is easy. And if anybody wants to be mean to you about that, they can share that bag of dicks with that other guy over there.

AlexReally? No one's that mean to me. Also, I have like...

MerlinThis is me trying to be your big brother you never asked for. If you want me to beat them up online, I will do it. I couldn't win a physical fight to save my life, but I have made a lot of men cry repeatedly in ways they don't tell other people about.

AlexOh, God. Isn't it a good feeling?

MerlinWell, I don't think it's responsible to use carelessly. And my favorite teacher, probably in all of high school, was my drama teacher. And I still have the yearbook that she signed to me. And, I mean, so I'd been in, like, the senior play, and, like, she'd just been so good to me. I was in drama club, and drama club.

God, that really does sound like something you're just, drama club. But she wrote the sweetest, saddest, smartest thing in my yearbook, and she's like, you're very intelligent, and you're fast, and you're funny. just make sure you always try to use those things for good yeah I mean you have a super power fuck you I never liked your yoga I didn't like your movies I didn't like any I didn't like your fucking Birkenstocks

Speaker Ano she's amazing

Merlinand sometimes you need someone to tell you to do that anyway if you want me to go out and you know what I can bring my flying monkeys I only bring them out in very very important circumstances maybe I could borrow some of Syracuse's

Alexthat's the weird thing now is I I've got the flyers I can send people that is a weird feeling but that's something

Merlinit's so shocking when people learn that helps absolutely no one except for the person who wants their ego to be burnished by the ownership of monkeys

AlexIt's, yeah, I don't know how I feel about it.

MerlinIt's not a good look. Not a good look at all.

AlexYeah, yeah.

MerlinSo you're up till three is what you're saying. Did you sleep in?

AlexToday, no. The other day I did, or Tuesday I did. I don't fuck, no.

MerlinI like that thing where I'm way, way, way under slept two days a week and way, way oversleep like three days a week.

Speaker AYeah.

MerlinIt's a very erratic schedule for me right now. And I don't know what given night it's going to be. As far as I know, it's not because I did anything differently. See, I'm still on, I can be honest with you, man. I'm still on COVID. I mean, yes, obviously. I'm also on George Floyd. But like, well, boy, am I ever, we just recorded Rectives last night. And oh, boy, I'm still on COVID. I mean, when I say that, it's not, okay, see, see, why would anyone try to defend themselves? I'm still not done with the way we dropped COVID right at 105,000 deaths.

And yes, importantly, we're doing this next thing. But like, holy shit, am I fucking terrified? What's going to happen in the next week or two? Yes, I'm scared that we're going to continue to gas our people and attack them with those majestic horses. But I'm also so fucking terrified about what this is going to mean for COVID.

And the other thing I just keep banging around with that Syracuse and I ended up talking about a lot is like, what's the thing that this administration has wanted more than anything for weeks? Well, on the one hand, yeah, let's... Let's get COVID in the rearview mirror and get people to talk about something else. But also, to that purpose, we're not going to win this election unless we get, quote unquote, unless we, quote unquote, reopen the economy. And let's ask ourselves, are we closer to reopening today than we were 10 days ago? I'm going to say, not really.

How about perhaps very much the opposite direction? Our target is boarded up. So, you know, I hope everybody got out in time. but right i mean in that case it's like of course we will stay open because america has to stay open in these now more than ever it's like oh you're gonna steal these minecraft shirts

Alexput up the boards i'm like steal the soap juice steal the sanitizer and like i don't know and

Merlinthere's just there's the i i have my own sort of personal intersectionality which is i have all kinds of different stuff I'm worried about, largely with other people that I, largely with other people I don't know, but with some people I do know. My kid had her official last day of school for the year yesterday, Tuesday, June 2nd. And I very selfishly would love for her to be able to have a, well, I mean, what I'm trying to say is I very selfishly wish that she could have a life now. I mean, she's going to turn 13 this year and she hasn't seen any of her friends for three

months. I mean, really think about that. Think about being 12 and not hanging out with another kid for three months. Now, in fairness, thank God these kids are, first of all, her friends are all really smart and cool. And they have phones. Or iPads are similar. So, like, there's all these insane different text channels going on that I think is great. She's got one friend, I told you, she's got that one friend, her Hot Topic friend, where they, she and this boy,

they are their own drama club. And it's just all the darkest humor you can possibly imagine. The weirdest fucking memes you've ever seen in your life. And that's just the two of them over here. Then there's one with like 18 people on it where they occasionally will throw each other off for an hour and then they bring them back in. And thank God she has that. I'm not sure the Zoom stuff has helped that much. That's my selfishness. Isn't that awful? That this privileged white man would like for his, isn't that, how dare you? Are we doing a bit?

AlexYeah. Yeah. How dare you want the best for your daughter and her friends?

MerlinHow dare you wonder if your daughter will have, even have a future that's terrible?

AlexHow dare you think about the future of your family?

MerlinWhy are you not out there right now? Why are you not putting yourself under the treads of the tires?

Speaker AWell, and that's...

MerlinWell, I mean, you know, I do have bowel disease and a family and hollow bones like a bird. I'm probably not the best candidate for tire boy.

AlexYeah. And if you happen to, this is the first time this has happened. I ended up, I think, giving myself diarrhea from just pure fear, which is new. I was like, oh.

MerlinI got it last night from Chipotle.

AlexI mean.

MerlinI did. No, no, seriously. Right before I, I didn't tell Syracuse this, but you ever get the kind that's, it's not just wet and explosive, but foams a little bit. You ever get that?

AlexNo.

MerlinYeah. I almost want to. Nice tacos, buddy. Yeah. Woof. Because you worried so much. You gave yourself, like, probably like, you gave yourself an ulcer in your youth, correct? Or I don't say you gave yourself an ulcer, but you got an ulcer out of worry mostly, right?

AlexThird grade.

MerlinThird grade ulcers. Yeah. Love that band.

AlexWoof. I think this is, I mean, you're right to be, yeah, I agree. The, and we only have one bathroom. Not that like, like Matthew's heard me shit many a time, but only having one bathroom and needing to live there for a couple hours isn't, isn't the best. But okay. All right.

MerlinBut also I bet the landlord gets mad if you groan too much.

AlexI wonder. I have the picture.

MerlinWait, wait, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. You're making a Babadook in that toilet? In my house that I rent to you?

Speaker AWait, wait, wait, wait.

MerlinYou're baking brownies in my toilet? You're telling me you're going in there and producing a deuce? You're doing that in my house that I rent to you? You know, people need to use that toilet.

Last thing I need is a liberal shitting in my house.

AlexOh, God. sorry go ahead you uh so you uh uh gave yourself diarrhea no but i think you're right in covid is at the front of my mind too because it's like oh now here's the excuse for the big uptick in in cases it's not it's not because we're crammed we could we could start being less shitty we could

Merlinstart being less shitty about so many aspects of this problem as our friend a friend of the show hey, we can say that now, Alexander Petri. Oh, you know, maybe the police misunderstood and thought that we wanted more police brutality. Well, how about we stop killing the black people and then let's start moving toward some economic justice and stuff like that. But, you know, like, for example, today I think it's going to be very interesting. This will come out if it comes out. This show will never come out. If it comes out, it will come out on Thursday, June 4th. As I sit here now, I have not seen the update,

but posposably today they will be announcing a decision about charges, more charges coming in Minneapolis. And I'm really,

I mean, how do I say this? I'm not, you know, now I sound like the classic guy where I'm like, I can't wait for this problem to go away. But like, I do hope that that is an indication we're moving in the right direction that these other four ding-dongs are gonna, the other three ding-dongs are gonna get arrested. Am I making sense with what I'm saying here? Yes. Because I do feel like that that would take some of the extremist heat off of things from the one end. You know what? I'm not sure how I feel. I'm not sure. I don't, you know, I feel dumb even saying that because

it sounds like I'm trying to say, how do we appease the blacks? And that's not what I'm trying to say. But I hope that fewer people will get hurt. You know, I think yesterday it seems like, while not great, it was way better than like Saturday and Sunday. Yeah. And the thing is,

Alexpeople, when I say people are going to die from these protests, like, yes, people are dying and it's horrific. But primarily my job was just giving out hand sanitizer and water and extra masks. I'm like, people are going to die because...

MerlinDid you listen to Election Profit Makers yet today?

AlexNo, no.

MerlinOh my God. The second episode in a row that is just, I don't know what, I won't lie about what He's having. But David has been on such a fucking tear on that show. You listen to the Morning Zoo one, right?

Speaker ANope. Nope. Oh, my God. It's so good. It's so good.

MerlinAnd he just goes off on the Pod Save America masks.

AlexOh, my God.

MerlinAnd this week he went to a protest near where he lives in L.A. And as like the fuddy-duddy old guy who brought stuff to – he says, I'm usually on offense. This year I'm on defense. I'm going to be out there helping people, cleaning out people's eyes. It's very, very funny.

AlexI have never been a front lines.

MerlinAnd that was you, Dave. You were a defense. Like all the great X-Men women, you bring the defensive skills.

AlexWell, that's, I'm not exactly, well, as you said, or as you mentioned earlier, my bipolar, my brain bits don't always behave. And there are times where I have been so angry that I have not been in a good place headspace wise to be around other people. So I'm often just a, you know, I'm backup. I am. I am. I am very strong. I can carry water bottle, a lot of water bottles. I really like giving out hand sanitizer and not touching people.

MerlinThe only person I know who, when they get drunk, wants to arm wrestle people.

AlexI'm very good at it

MerlinI'm not going to do it I'm not going to bring an arm to a gun fight

AlexOkay

MerlinI don't know what we're doing here

AlexYou are doing basically a reverse. You seem to have some, a reverse. You've taken it and turned it back on yourself, I think.

MerlinWhat do I do?

AlexKeep mentioning all your.

MerlinAre you saying I did a reverse on the Alex?

AlexYeah, you did a reach around. um and like i keep saying as i said before as if i'm on a fucking radio interview uh can you tell i've had media training jesus um yeah i can tell it really comes through with everything i know

Merlinextensive media training

Alexvery good at it very great succinctly putting my points together um and then i'm what that i'm being self-deprecating or uh or what uh and maybe feeling guilty or not wanting to talk about things

Merlinbecause of the privilege you have but oh i mean i don't know i mean i don't i think that um i feel like uh i feel like sometimes it's difficult to say anything because either sounds like a cliche or an excuse but i do believe in my heart of hearts that um sometimes it's beneficial. See, here's the thing. If I wanted to be politic about this, or sound like a cool guy, I would say something like, this is our time to listen. And I do think it's our time to listen.

But really, what I'm trying to say is, I don't have anything to add to this that is going to make it better. I will keep doing what I'm doing, which is trying not to harm other people and spending tons of money on things, and donating and things like that, which I will keep doing that. I don't think it will be that beneficial for me to be another person changing the color of their Twitter icon. I think it's really quite shocking how much we've internalized that that's helping anything. Maybe it is.

Perhaps it is, in which case, good, because there's lots of that going on. I'm not sure Emma Watson putting up five or three black images on Instagram. and so what then there's backlash against that and so what does this lead to this just causes us all to try and like fucking gnaw on each other's shin bones and everybody wants to be everybody wants to be loved by uh by the black girls and so you really really don't want to provoke a black girl understandably and so so people are bending over backwards right now to

do all kinds of uh pretty wild performances and i think some people i look at what griffin newman is doing, for example, or I look at what, like, what's her name? Rosa from Brooklyn Nine-Nine. People like that that are, like, donating a ton of their money to, from, like, I played a cop on a show, and so I want to donate money. I love stuff like that. I think that's really useful. I do think, though, that there is this desire to be liked by the cool kids that is causing people to bend over backwards in a way that I wonder how much in the long term it will

help people.

Speaker AOh, yeah.

MerlinAnd then it becomes the game where you're like, okay. Then it becomes almost like a gang initiation where now I need to show the people that I want to like, admire, and respect me. I want them to see me dunking on other people. And of course, those other people are going to be people who are far more similar to you than they are different from you. And now we're right back to the narcissism of small differences. and people were just fucking beating the shit out of each other

about who's doing a better performance. And then that turns into the problem is that it bends pretty quickly into parody to where you are doing, it's really just a different flavor of black lady reaction gifs, which people really fucking need to stop using. That's such bullshit. But that's what you're doing. You're just out there going to say, oh, Yas Queen, please witness me over here helping you. And if that's working, great. Where the fuck was this for the last five years?

How will it be that useful for every single person to pretend they're a fundamentally different person over the period of five days? Where were you all the rest of that time? Were you slowly helping push that rock up the hill? Or is this a thing that you're going to drop just as quickly as you dropped, I don't know, neon clothes in 1989? I don't know. I mean, I hate to sound jaded about this, But I'm also a little bit sick of feeling like we get this instant hot take machine where we're expected to just tear one another apart.

People who we considered like pretty decent people a little while back. We expect them to act like they're extremely different from whom they are or whom they were last week. And I think it's really disingenuous and I don't think it's helping. If I thought it was helping, I would nod along. I'm just not sure that it's helping. I think it's helping raise the temperature in a way that is not super helping. I don't know. I don't know. I'm going to have to listen to this and decide if we should cut it out because I'm probably going to get a lot of people very upset about that.

And I don't want to get people upset. I certainly don't want to get yelled at. But if I thought this was helping, I wouldn't say anything. I don't know if it's helping. a week from now will we all still be doing all of these things the same things will we be able to look back a week earlier and say wow I really made a difference with that that time that I really I really fucking yelled at that that other person who believes 99% of what I believe the time that I fucking tore them apart wow I really I really landed that one

that helped a lot of people I was really terrible to that person and I think it helped a lot of the black people I we are definitely keeping who I definitely still care about very very much we we are definitely

Alexkeeping this in because you are this you are acting the same way you did last week in that you have always tried your best and listened to people I mean you want I talk well no no no I'm

Merlinnot trying to say I'm any fucking hero no I'm just all I'm trying to say is like a 53 old 53 year old man out there yelling at other people that they're doing it wrong. Let's look at, let's just roll tape. How has that gone in the past? You don't need another guy like me out there. What I have to bring is the occasional jabs and jabs that might be helpful in giving somebody a reframe on something. Plus it keeps me amused and keeps me from self-harm. That is my fun thing. I don't really consider that activism.

I don't think I should get any kind of metal. It's just sometimes it's like I think we really get confused about light and heat in life. And I think sometimes we feel like if we generate enough heat, it must be creating light. And in my experience, it just makes the room too warm.

AlexYeah, that's definitely staying in.

MerlinI don't know about that. Don't you think that was all a terrible thing that I said that I'm going to be in tremendous amounts of historical trouble for? I'll be history's greatest monster next to Max Tempkin.

AlexFifth greatest monster. Oh, no shit. No. Fifth greatest monster. Yas queen.

Speaker AI roll the black lady.

AlexDon't you? Don't you?

MerlinGod damn it. I mean, when is Twitter going to confront the scourge of black lady reaction gifs? There's no way everybody posting those is a black lady.

AlexAh, man.

Speaker AAm I the only person who notices this? Am I losing my mind?

AlexNo.

Speaker AYou go to Twitter moments and it's like 500 black lady reaction gifs?

AlexIt's very, I'm like, why are we doing like digital blackface now? You're doing blackface. Yes, stop it. It's weird. It's so, and not just when Republicans do it, but every time I'm like, unless it's like, not all gifs. No. It just feels icky.

I just.

MerlinIt does. And it really, it feels like a little bit of a costume. blackface is too strong a word for it probably but it does definitely feel like a like check out my jivey pants look at me doing the boogaloo dance i can jive man jazz

Alexi i think it's sort of similar to uh the sort of i don't like to call it no restarting this sentence i don't think calling anything digital gentrification is a a good or good thing. Like it's a really extreme word for what I think about when.

MerlinGentrification is, the way I came to see that here in San Francisco is I'm mad at everybody who moved here after I did.

AlexYes.

MerlinNow, listen, now classically gentrification, I think absolutely means there's an, there's an opportunity, a market opportunity here for us to go and exploit this area that is likely, we're likely to see an increase in property values and stuff like that. That's, you know, classic gentrification. It's gentrification, like, it happened twice in the Western edition here. So what started out as Japantown, a bunch of those people got sent to camps in World War II, and guess what? Their houses were turned into housing for the black people who were going to build ships.

And then guess what happened after the war? It became a slum. It became a ghetto. And then, now today, those folks get pushed out so the tech folks can move in. You know, shot and chaser. But yeah, in San Francisco, like, you know, it's another white guy with a messenger bag on a bike. And like, you're so mad about the gentrification that's happened. And it all seems to have happened since after you moved here. It's the weirdest thing.

AlexIt's wild.

MerlinI'm a gentrifier and I moved here 20 years ago. Yeah. 20 years ago, my friend. I moved here in November of 1999. I've been in the same place the entire time. and I am still a gentrifier. I've been in my neighborhood longer than almost anybody in my neighborhood.

AlexDon't, I mean, don't you kind of feel that way about, or at least I feel that way, about Tumblr, sort of.

MerlinHow's that?

AlexIt was, it started as a really fun, cool thing that, you know, all.

MerlinOh, yeah, yeah, yeah. It was like basically cool live journal.

AlexYeah, yeah. And then it was mostly the tech kids and then it kind of got shitty. So all the tech people left and then.

MerlinAnd then they took the porn away. And like, what even is the point? There was such good porn on Tumblr. There was. Fuck. But you could find exactly what you wanted. You could get so specific. So specific.

AlexDidn't know. I seriously didn't know. I also didn't know there was porn on Reddit.

MerlinAnd I'm like. Well, I never appreciated Vine until it was gone. So, you know, get in my boat. There we go. Yeah. You know, here's the thing. Here's the thing you can do when you're an old person like me is, is, you know, I have a real mixed history with the idea of hypocrisy. It's something that I've spent a fair amount of time thinking about. It is like, it is weird how low the bar is for hypocrisy in so many ways, where, I mean, it's like, there's like the classic genre,

this kind of like, I don't want to name names, but on like one of Max's shitty political lists, where there's a style of like, meh, you know, left-wing guy. who's like, put up screenshots of two things. Like, wow, you used to think this and now you think that. Hmm, hmm, interesting. Four hours later. That's funny. And it's like, okay, well, wait a minute. That's fine. But like taken as a movement, what you're really saying is never get better. Never improve. Oh, interesting. That's interesting.

You had slavery until the 1860s. You know, name their last three albums. like four hours later. What the fuck? You're basically, all you're trying to say is like, oh, wow. Yeah, everybody that I don't like is a hypocrite and nobody should ever try to improve because I've got receipts. And it's like, wow, that is so fucking toxic. Nobody's ever allowed to get better. Nobody's ever allowed to admit that they're wrong. Nobody's ever allowed. I mean, really?

Like everybody on the other side is a hypocrite and everybody on your side is flawlessly consistent in their beliefs until you find a crack in their armor. And now we're right back to fucking the lottery. And it just makes me so goddamn sad. And I'll tell you a thing I think about sometimes, because there is such a strong brand incentive to look like your bullshit's always been the same. And boy, was that ever good bullshit and nobody should ever criticize you about it. But sometimes you'll get this thing where it's like, hmm, wow, well, hypocritical much?

You know, kind of thing. And my response to that, I kind of want to, I don't want to argue with people on the internet, but my response to that in some ways is, yeah, so what now? So, okay, yeah, all right. So if I'm a hypocrite, what now?

So you're saying that. Was that supposed to be something no one can ever have a defense against? You can never have a defense against being a hypocrite. Because merely calling someone a hypocrite necessarily has, you are done now. You are finished for life. Or is it a sentence? You know, as in like, you found me guilty and now the sentence is, I'm going to wear the Scarlet H title. You know, whatever. But like if you, but what if our response to that was not, oh, I am pwned, corn cob.

And what if the response to that was instead, I am exactly the same height I was a minute ago. I still poop and pee roughly the same number of times every day. I still have basically the same relationship with everyone I know. So you've decided now that I'm part of this great class of irredeemable hypocrites. What do we do now? What is that? So, all right, you just took this giant swing at me. Now what happens? Okay. You know what I'm saying, though? It's like we only that only tears us apart if we let it tear us apart.

AlexAnd there's the the the idea that you're changing people's minds or that you're helping. I mean, I am I am a hypocrite in the sense that sometimes I lash out on Twitter. Sometimes it just I boil over.

MerlinBut what if it didn't matter that we're hypocrites? What if everyone what if what if everyone were a hypocrite? And what if it's only our ability, nobody has ever been more terrified of being called a hypocrite than someone who's constantly calling other people hypocrites. That's why I say it's like the lottery. You could either be the one person getting the stone, spoiler alert, you could either be the one person who's going to get stoned to death, or you could be the person who gets to throw the stones. I mean, I don't think there's anybody who's giving points for style and keeping score.

You're either stoning or stoned.

AlexThere isn't like, yeah, there isn't like an elements of style for how to perform anti-racism. Like that's not, it would be cool if there was.

MerlinDo not say you are nauseous unless you are certain you have that effect upon others.

Alexbut i i mean i think about how how i've changed like of course i've done incredibly racist things like in high school being afraid of black men like oh is that just how because i learned that

Merlinthere's nobody i haven't been horrible to alex yeah there's this is this america man oh god the

Alexhomophobia and transphobia especially in high school and like my first year of college like ramped that way up.

MerlinWell, it's like the couple on Parks and Rec, the religious couple, Marsha and

AlexMarshall. Oh, yes, there we go.

MerlinThe one guy is like the most over-the-top ridiculous 70s caricature of a gay guy you've ever seen in your life and he's terrified of gay people. Isn't it funny how so many of these chodes that used to be into conversion therapy turn out to be gay?

What is the deal? I mean, am I wrong or hasn't there been like at least two or three of those?

AlexOh, there's been. I shall compile some for show notes.

MerlinAs I sit here today, I feel very bad that I electrified, electrocuted all of those children. Now I will electrocute myself.

AlexJust put it right on the ball.

MerlinAuto electric is auto electric.

AlexI set my balls of watching gay porn because it helps.

MerlinI'm a dirty man.

Is that anything auto electric? It sounds like the name of Montreal album. We just want to get choked till we're dead.

Speaker AWe just want to electrocute this forever Do you like that band?

AlexI would say I like them I'm not a scholar of their work

MerlinWell, no, no, no This is not a test I'm not asking you that I want to send you a link If I may If you'll permit it To a live performance of that song Suffer for Fashion That I watch very, very often We don't have to watch it now That's usually something we save for the after show But since this show will never air, we just want to remote till we're done.

AlexIt's kind of like guided by voices where I there's some things are like, holy shit, this is amazing. And then other.

MerlinWell, they also there's a lot of material there.

AlexThere's a lot. There is indeed a lot.

MerlinOK, so so question. Do you like rock music?

AlexI have been told that I do.

MerlinOK.

AlexI do. Yes.

MerlinOh, look at that with a little bear. This is, by the way, the graduation bear. This has always been in any given year. So, okay, what I'm looking at here is I sent Alexandra a photo of a dorky tradition in our family, which is at the last day of school, we always give our kid like a couple little presents. And we always give her this really fucked up stuffed animal that you can buy at Walgreens. And it's like a bear with a cap and gown. and the thing is every year

it's the worst stuffed animal you've ever seen in your life and every year it gets worse it's so fucking ratty it might literally be made of white rats it's so weird this little gown is velcroed on it doesn't match up in any it's just it's so horrible anyway that's her with her little bear I'm sending you this link

Alexit's like a little carnival toy that's

Merlinyes very much so or like a claw machine kind of thing yeah hey we'll do it one two three go

AlexI have not received it yet, but...

MerlinOh, I think that's you. I just sent you my balls. Oh, no, my balls.

AlexAh, here we are.

MerlinAll right. Let's see. How do I go back to the beginning?

AlexI have it pulled up on YouTube.

MerlinWe don't have to watch the whole thing. I just want you to get a feel for this.

AlexAll right.

MerlinOkay, ready?

AlexThree, two, one, play.

MerlinOh, my God. this band actual musicians in this band are so fucking good they're just so happy i think they're so and they're so queer and fun and just like swinging for the fences the check what listen for the bass player listen for the bass lines especially

AlexOh shit Yeah

MerlinJust stay for the chorus

Speaker AI love the Asian singer guy

AlexIt's not supposed to happen like that. Oh, this is very good.

MerlinAre they good?

AlexI love this.

MerlinThe backup singer guy. Isn't he adorable?

AlexYeah, I don't think I've ever seen their faces.

MerlinWhat they look like performing? They're all just so happy. No, no. I mean, you hear them and they're in... Shit, what's the Anna Wintour movie? September issue.

AlexYes, yes, yes, yes. The Vogue, yeah.

MerlinBut I feel like this features prominently. Their songs feature prominently in that movie.

Alexbut that guy's uh super interesting i'm i'm just watching this on silent now i'm enthralled i don't know i i i miss concerts that's i know i know really that's the move i um

Merlinwhat were we doing uh we were oh i was about to compliment you oh please i love that how

Alexyou say I haven't had caffeine that's probably why or rather caffeine is slowly kicking in

Merlinwe were talking about auto electric

Alexauto electric I like to put batteries down my throat what's wrong with that don't kick me

MerlinI'd say it's more like a duck

AlexI'll just do your battery

Merlinokay so so things that I do I speak I I rise I rise what about me

AlexI talked about not having a lot of any queer people to look up to as a kid. There's nothing I could watch on my computer that my parents could walk by and not freak out about.

MerlinI don't know about your grown-up years. My grown-up years, it was very much like concatenated, especially male homosexuality and child molestation. Like that was, they might as well have been the same thing.

AlexExactly. But an amazing space was nerdy Apple Twitter in the early to mid-aughts. There was, you know, this guy, the Merlin Man, who, sure, talked about Gmail for a little while, but mostly it was about focusing on it.

Speaker AHe's talking about Gmail again. He's always talking about Gmail.

AlexYeah, you know, priorities and how to be a happy person. And I think you're a testament to change. And fine, I won't say you. There are a lot of older adult, older white men.

MerlinI really feel like I'm waiting for another shoe to drop here. I really feel like this might be. No. Is this an intervention? Is that what it is? No, no.

AlexNo, unless you want to stop being friends with people and you want to stop learning as a human being. But even by learning, I don't mean like, oh, you're bad. All of my old white tech friends are bad.

MerlinI'm knowing Neil Dash. Yeah.

AlexBut I don't I keep thinking about WWDC and how bummed I'm going to be. I'm really so sad to not see everybody.

MerlinThey should bring it back. None of this would have happened if they kept it in San Francisco like they should have.

AlexOh, boy.

MerlinSo we were watching Monster Factory last night. We like to go back and watch old Monster Factors. We were watching the second part of Turbo Vicky where we see Dick Cheney slicing up those waves. And, of course, the bowling. God, Griffin and Justin are so fucking funny. on that show. The Turbo Vicky ones, like I forgot how funny because I always think of, of course, like Final Pam or, but like Turbo Vicky and Dick Cheney are, it's so funny. But like watching that bowling,

I was like, oh man, we're saying to Emma like, God, I was like, when was it? Was it December that we went and hung out with Todd's family and we went to their house. We bowled and went out to dinner. I was like, wouldn't it be so great to like get to do that again? I was like, I can't believe I'm craving bowling in Marin County. I was like, it would be so fun to go out to dinner and bowl. I said, maybe we should make a pod. And she's like, we should do that. I was like, they're pretty far away to have a pod with. I think you're supposed to, if you make a pod,

which I'm still not persuaded is a great idea, I think you're supposed to do it with people who are very near you.

AlexWait, a pod?

MerlinI crave bowling. Yeah, the idea is you, no, this is like a funny, this is such a white lady thing. You get with another family or group of people. Well, in some cases, people are like moving in together with another family. But the idea is, especially if you've got a bunch of kids, you take, I might be getting this wrong. My understanding is you, each family agrees to take extraordinary measures to continue to be super safe so that you can interact very freely with that other family.

AlexOh, so not like a chicken pox party.

MerlinWell, no, no, no, no, no. It's more like, imagine that there's two couples that have been terrific friends for 30 years and they have a combined five kids. and maybe there's a beloved parent that lives with them or something. This would be a way to say like, look, we can keep hanging out and having barbecues and not having to worry about this.

But anyway, and it's funny because I don't think it's become like a huge idea yet, but it's definitely a very interesting young idea because there's also this consideration of like along the lines of Elaine wondering if putty is sponge worthy where it's like, hmm, like if I do this, I'm going to have to really commit and I have to really trust these people because there's a little bit of, not prisoner's dilemma, but something along the lines of there are seriously big socioeconomic and health costs if we break the pot.

AlexYeah, that's, oh, that sounds like a great idea that becomes a bad idea so fast.

MerlinWell, I mean, like if you're like duplex mates or something, it seems like a no-brainer provided that. But like, for example, Syracuse's wife still goes to the office, office make office. Like she's got to go out and, as John says, become the house's exposure vector like every weekday. It sucks.

AlexWell, Maddie's back to work today. I've been out, obviously. Pride is back. Woo. I'm so excited.

Speaker AI'm so excited.

AlexYeah. It's yeah. And so.

MerlinShit. We're not ready for this. Alex, we're not ready for this.

AlexI know.

MerlinSo many people are going to die.

AlexYep.

MerlinDo do do.

AlexOh, my God. But it's because of those protesters. It's because everybody went outside. And the administration now has a reason.

MerlinWell, they're fucking. The protesters are out there like very carelessly choking, barfing and coughing on other people. And it's like, OK, I don't know why you're coughing so much on other people, but you took off your mask. Why are you using that to, quote unquote, rub your eyes like what you're coughing on all of these people? Like that's not social distancing.

AlexThere's I in a couple of days, though, the president's going to stand up and say, hold this upside down Bible. COVID. This spike we're seeing is because of Antifa. Antifa is intentionally spreading COVID to shut down the economy.

MerlinIt's called Antifa.

AlexThe Antifa right.

MerlinBoy, he's really, I said it and I wasn't so sure at the time, but he has definitely turned a corner. He's definitely gone. Official full bunch old school bananas.

AlexYeah.

MerlinYou know, he has a Twitter account. I don't know if you've seen it, but it's pretty, pretty wild right now.

AlexI didn't think it could get worse.

MerlinAnd just the whole grandpa thing. So did you actually, we talked about this on our channel, but did you actually listen to the whole call?

AlexI didn't. I couldn't get through it.

MerlinIt's rough. First, the audio quality is very bad. It's like listening to that QAnon guy's podcast. Like, I really want to hear this, but it's killing my ears. Yeah. But no, and he's such a Fox News grandpa. It's all so wild. And when he says, what did he say? MSDNC, the lamestream media. That reminds me of like in the early 80s when moms started saying gross. You say, mom, don't say gross. Adults don't say gross. Wait, really? Oh my gosh. Did you see MASH last night? It was so gross.

Mom, that's not what it means. Stop saying it like that. We have a friend of the family. Oh God. Have you ever heard me say this? Thank you.

AlexYes, I think.

Merlinin that tone yeah you know we do it all the time on the show yes thank you um that that's a bit on the show okay so when i'm saying that i'm saying that in the voice of a beloved family friend um who worked at a public school in the east bay and um i think she she's like a fun mom so imagine me doing like amy poehler and mean girls like hey girls i'm fun mom and um she was I think she saw herself as like a character from Greece or something, like cool mom, teacher librarian.

And she would start picking up a lot of the au courant vocab and stylings of young girls, you know, high school girls. And so she was constantly like dropping references to like Paris Hilton and then like all this stuff. and she started having this sort of like that kind of like sing-songy like high school girl way of talking and somebody would say something and she'd go thank you which is the wine mom

the East Bay wine mom of like Yas Queen thank you

Speaker AI don't know why that's so funny to me

Alexbecause cool moms are funny

Merlincool moms are funny if you girls want to drink here

AlexI just like it As long as you're at home under my room.

MerlinI love Amy Poehler so much. I could not get Emma into What Hot American Summer and it broke my heart. Even like the Paul Rudd scenes. She's like, no, I just don't like this.

Speaker AOh, really? How can you not be into this? Every person you... It's got... It's got... It's got... What's his name from? Nine-Nine. Your favorite.

MerlinGod, now. Boyle. It's got Boyle. And it's got Camarino, who's in Everything We Love. My God.

AlexYou should shame her.

MerlinYes, I will shame her. You know she has it coming. There's the funniest thing. This was pointed out on a recent blank check, and it's so goddamn funny. Remember at the beginning when, I'm sorry, I'm spacing out, where David Hyde Pierce is doing plant things, and Janine Garofalo is drinking coffee with her friend on the steps, and they're toasting. And there's this succession within three minutes where on the one hand,

she accidentally flings the hand spade, like the little shovel, and it flies off the handle, literally, and goes, and you hear this crashing of like crashing noise, like a terracotta pot breaking, and it's funny, because it's a great sight gag, like the ghost flying here, and then a few seconds later, he drops something, and it goes, the exact same sound. Then they cut to the cafeteria, and Camarino throws something in the trash and it makes the exact same sound.

Describing it is not funny. Hearing it, it's hearing the same dumb audio gag like three times in three minutes is so fucking funny. But like Paul Rudd, the whole thing with Paul Rudd and like grudgingly cleaning up his mess in the cafeteria

Speaker Aand picking up the chair. He's so mean to his girlfriend. God, Paul Rudd is a treasure.

Alexhe's almost as bad as the rock climbing guy oh yeah exactly the first time i saw that i was really young and it's a weird movie it's a very weird movie well it it is and i thought that that was just what uh high schoolers looked like right well it's also you wouldn't i mean were you aware

Merlinof the phenomenon the 70s phenomenon i mean obviously you're aware of the concept of summer camp but were you aware of summer camp movies as like the one of the the slasher and coming of age movies in the 70s and 80s were you aware of that i mean i i knew that like meatballs and stuff like that no no no no that was bill murray's first big movie was meatballs it was like a summer camp movie really yeah it was uh slobs versus snobs classic yeah i i mean i

Alexassociated it with only the slasher stuff. And like that, I

Speaker Adon't know. Sleepaway sex camp.

AlexI know that people I thought people went to summer camp to make out and make bracelets.

MerlinTo have intercourse and be killed.

AlexYeah, that's why my mom wouldn't let me go.

MerlinDon't have intercourse or Jason will get you. What are we doing here?

AlexI don't know. I thought Max was coming on, but I don't think so.

MerlinI think we should just let him do his thing. I'm not sure him coming back to talk about what he wants to talk about is going to improve this.

AlexNo, I think it's just going to be sad. going to be sad. Should we get to the challenge? I actually really want to hear

Merlinabout... Oh, Jesus. It's an hour and 20 minutes, dude.

AlexWell, let's

Merlintalk about... Okay. All right. Challenge. Challenge. This week's challenge I think was to order something from B&H Photo. Yeah.

AlexYes, it was.

MerlinWhich is out of everything.

AlexIt is indeed. Yes.

MerlinI mean, everything I went that I needed to buy. How did this start? This started as...

AlexBecause you're doing video stuff.

MerlinWe've got to stop doing these buying things, one-week challenges until shit settles down. It's insane to keep trying to do this. Because there are actually a bunch of things B&H Photo has that I desperately want right now more than ever in these challenging times. It's like I'm trying to, like, pimp out my video setup, and I could use a bunch of stuff. And big things, little things, you know, all those things. And nothing I want is even available to order right now. Every single backdrop that would accommodate my needs is backordered right now.

AlexA backdrop? What now? Interesting.

MerlinWhat I want is, I think what I would like to get is at least six foot wide, at least six foot high, one of those big, I don't know what it's called, not a rack, but a stand. where you could have a green or a white or a black or whatever you want background. And there's sets of those you can usually get for anywhere between like 50 bucks and 150 bucks. They're all backordered on Amazon. They're all backordered on B&H.

That's the one thing that I would like. And then I want some various kinds of like just photo setty-uppy things that would help just trick this out a little. I need to figure out how to get less shake from side to side in my ring light when I put it on my desk.

It's just like, it virtually hums with how unevenly it is seated and just like no matter what you do. So that makes everything look shaky and nauseating. Stuff like that. Yeah. But so, yeah, I had to wing it with some other purchases. What did you get from B&H Photo?

AlexOh, well, it's on the way. This was the product that had the shortest back or the... Wow, I'm really broken today. This is coming tomorrow. It's the Luma Cube, which I think was originally a Kickstarter. And it's just this little block. It almost looks like a fidget cube, but it's a bit bigger. And it's a light, and you can put various filters on it.

What the fuck?

MerlinHow big is it? It's really little. It is like fidget cube sized.

AlexIt's a little bit bigger, but it easily fits on top of any DSLR.

MerlinOh, and it goes on a, not a hot shoe, but what do you call that? A mount?

AlexHot plate. Hot mount. Hot plate. Hot shoe. Hot plate. God. Hot plate. It fits in any shoe mount. Shoe mount, blood boy.

MerlinHot pug.

Speaker ABunk bag.

MerlinOkay. I'm buying this right now. I want it. Give it to me. I want it. I like my ring light, though. Loving the ring light.

AlexDoes it bother you to... Well, I guess you like it, so I guess the answer is no.

MerlinWell, I mean, I still have so much to figure out about making it work. I did three different tests. I didn't need to do this in 4K, but I did three different tests where I did with no covers on the light, white cover, whitish-bluish cover on the light, orange-ish-reddish cover on the light. I did that then with three different levels, tested that with three levels of like all the way down. Sorry, off, all the way down, middle, all the way up. And with office lights on and off. And I know enough to know that they look different.

But I'm going to need to just start doing it and like have Adam tell me which one of these looks good. And which will help us look most the same at the same time.

AlexThat's the problem.

MerlinI think that's trickier. Yeah. And that's why like it's funny to get a green background. Of course, do you want to put green background stuff on the internet? Probably not. But a white or off-white background would be nice as well.

AlexOkay, that's what I was curious about.

MerlinBut also, I don't want to have to get one that's 20 feet wide, because you've been in my office. It's a very narrow aperture, the part of the office where my desk is. So I've got, I should know this off the top of my head, but there's probably not more than six to eight feet width. so i can't i don't really want one of those 20 foot long rolling runway style things but this is cool i'm gonna get this oh it's costly but it looks really good

Alexit's cheaper than most good flash flashes for camera flashlight yes flashes for camera Oh, boy.

Speaker ASee, it's a fleshlight?

AlexA fleshlight. You saw, I assume, the Lunchbox project that Sandwich Videos launched?

Speaker AMm-hmm.

AlexOh, it's so good. It's so cool. And that's why I'm not worried about media. Because, well, no one is nearly as smart or good at commercials and video as the Sandwich folks. He's got a really good eye. the man like oh that's it the way they hacked that together well okay what we are talking about um sandwich what is it called sandwich video sandwich industries i don't know it's adam's

video commercial making company and they're fantastic and now you can see their ads on tv which is weird. But they launched this, I guess, like project or sub company. I'm not sure, but it's called Lunchbox. And they have this workflow where they will make professional high quality commercials remotely. And they tried it with their own team to make a commercial for Slack. And it's brilliant. You know, their DP taught everybody how to use a camera over Zoom.

And as someone who's done that, it's really, really hard. So, wow. Not just how to film, but how to light things. I was blown away, basically. The skill and thoughtfulness.

MerlinYeah, what a clever idea inside of a clever idea.

AlexYeah. Oh, my God. Watching the levels from a phone via FaceTime. Oh, my God.

Merlinthis is so boring but so good yeah he sent he sent one when when we were fixing to do our first recording coming back to this whatever a month or so ago um he sent us uh he's like uh sorry i'm you know these are crazy right now sorry i'm running lady lady and he sent this insane screen grab from zoom and i was like oh my god it's like a borges short story you're using a Zoom call to set up a camera where you're... For a fake Zoom call. It was completely...

I was like, okay, no, please take your time. This looks very, very complicated. It's so hard to do. I mean, it was like when I used to try to help my mom fix her Firefox settings remotely. Oh, my God. Do you see the Apple? Do you see the Apple? I don't see the Apple. My Firefox is down. in the upper left hand corner there should be like an apple she says well I see it says finder to the left where it says

do you see the

Speaker AI don't see it my neck hurts

Merlinokay I'm sorry your neck hurts

Show notes

Transcript

189. Blood Niece

Show notes

Transcript

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