169. The Golden Age of Huffing

AlexThis is Do By Friday, a weekly challenge podcast with Merlin Mann, Alex Cox and Max Temkin. This week's challenge, watch Picard.

Good morning. I really appreciate how early you get up for this show. You do? Oh. Yeah, because...

MerlinBless your heart.

AlexYeah, like this is a, I don't know. Are you a night owl, Alex? What do you think?

MerlinI'm going to say you're probably a night owl.

AlexOh, yeah. Well, it's not so much I'm a night owl as I'm like, I have good sleep hygiene. I go to bed at 1130 every night, but then I get up at three and then stay up until five.

MerlinThat's my lady friend every night, every night.

AlexYeah. And then I sleep until then around 5 to 8 a.m. But anyway, Max is in the building. And I've told him we're recording. So we'll see how that goes.

MerlinWhat do you do for the time that you're up?

AlexOh, I do the thing. It depends. Usually I'll read a book with the hope of I will get bored. But usually the boring books just make you angry. like reading. Yeah, yeah.

MerlinYeah, no, I can see that. I can see that.

AlexDo you just sleep through your ladies' lady time?

MerlinHmm. I, what I try to do is not get too strong of an emotion about it. Hmm. I try to catch myself going, oh, darn it. Because if you do that, then you're going to be all, oh, darn it. And now you're frustrated. Second arrow. You know what I'm saying?

AlexOh, yes.

MerlinBecause now you're mad about being mad, or you're sad about being sad, or you're anxious about being anxious. Does that make sense?

AlexYes, it does. Because I have, in fact, been listening to the very beginning episodes of that show, Back to Work, where you only did three episodes of, because Matchy is obsessed with it now. What? Really? Well, like, I've tried...

MerlinDoes Matchy hate me?

AlexNo.

MerlinOkay, good. Okay, good. I really, I'm willing to pander. I'm willing to even fib. I really want Matt you to like me, and I'll do what it appears I need to do to earn it, even though I always have it by other means to. I will pay pal him $60.

AlexAnd unlike my friend Jen, he better accept it. Yeah. Well, it's also funny if, oh, I don't know if people know that we both Venmo'd Quinn a unspecified amount of money, and she, our dear editor, did not tell me how much. I didn't ask, but I was like, hmm, I wonder if Merlin did more.

MerlinNo, no, I haven't done. No, no. Oh, all right. I'm in the, listen, listen. I'm going to, I'm in the midst of, I'm trying to mature some of my banking. And I'm in that weird phase where I want to make sure there's enough money in all the things because it's all very fluid. You know what I'm saying? And then, like, so, like, if I get a check from Max and I don't cash it for a while, I'm like, oh, whatever. But then my landlord doesn't cash a check for a while, and I'm like, ah, ah, ah.

You know what I'm saying?

AlexI don't know how you live that life. I mean, we've talked about the, like, we both have deep.

MerlinI've been poor since I was about eight, so, you know.

AlexWe both have deep money insecurities, but they're very, very different.

MerlinOkay, yeah.

AlexI mean, that's why I love my fake digital money, because I can see that it's gone, and I know that I don't have it.

MerlinBut a check, Alex, a check just hangs out there.

AlexYeah, it's terrible. I literally wish that you could have, like, for some reason, there's no app that will do this for me. I have it in a spreadsheet of, like, okay, this is what your actual balance is, because, yeah.

MerlinOh, this is not the show, unless it's the show, which is fine. Here's the thing. I've been very satisfied with my make-believe online banking service for a pretty long time. They give you a debit card with a pretty high daily allowance to take out, which is cool. And up until July, they had what's called a bill pay service, where you go in, and yes, you can enter the name of J Random Corporation, but you can also enter in the names of people, like a person that you send a check to. And so up until July, you just go in and you say, hey, send this person a paper check.

But the money, like I said last week, leaves your account right then. So I don't care how long they take. The money's gone. It's out at that point. They take it out. And now a couple things happen. One thing is they stopped offering that service for your convenience. In order to serve you better, we're going to have fewer things that are cool. And so that's – and now I've been like, ah, ah, I got to figure out a paper. But here's the other thing with that online banking, make-believe online banking service. Unlike a lot of services like a Quicken or a Mint or whatever, you don't have a way to even go in and enter that you sent the check digitally.

So like you're saying, I've got to sit there and stand over that and make sure that every little bit is accounted for. It's very stressful to me.

AlexYeah. I don't know if this made it into the show, but I check my banking app like I do Twitter. Like, okay, what changed? Oh, yeah, is my account still there? What changed?

MerlinYeah, absolutely. Because it's all make-believe.

AlexYeah.

MerlinYou know? It's like a demented relative's love. It could just go away. All right. Which one? You're Scott, right? No, I'm Alex. All right, Scott.

So I'm dealing with that. I mean, I don't want to make myself sound like I'm in some kind of financially dire straits. I'm not. It's just that I'm looking at, I don't want to say too much, but I'm looking at three different piles of something and making sure that this thing moving to there leaves enough in that. It's a little bit of financial Jenga. But I will send Quinn some money, a princely amount of money.

AlexI sent her $26.03 because I found out there aren't people I Venmo anymore. So I was like, I must get rid of this balance.

MerlinThere aren't people I Venmo anymore.

AlexYeah. Explain that sentence. There aren't people I Venmo anymore. That is a normal sentence most people would understand. Venmo is a verb now. It's like saying Google.

MerlinOkay, but I'm just asking the question. Does that mean that fewer people are using Venmo and consequently you're paying them? Or are they using the other card now? What's happening?

AlexOh, no, I'm pretty sure it's just because drugs are legal now in Illinois. That's more of it. Yeah. Okay.

MerlinAll right. That's cool. So I'm sick.

AlexI was wondering. My whole family's sick.

MerlinWe're all sick. We're sick with three different things at our house.

AlexOh, that's fun. Are you passing them? Have you ever done the thing where you like pass all of them around? So then you're sick for three times as long.

MerlinI think, to answer your question, the thing that my kid had a week ago this evening where she was real barfy and had to come home from her sleepover thing. That was, I think, some kind of bug. As they say, stomach bug.

I got this Chestel thing a couple days after and I think she might have caught it from me. So she got double sick. She's getting pounded. Now my wife wakes up this morning And she sounds like Patty and Salma Tackle box Kind of chunkounder Remember when he surprised you Remember when he surprised you with a tackle box So that's what I'm doing there Anyway you know I hate all this money stuff

AlexIt's all bad Anyway go to giveusyourfuckingmoney.com

MerlinI'm just saying It's like the whole check thing It's got to end It's got to end If we're going to use our make-believe money We should be able to just send it straight to people And then, like I say, they look at you like you're a hobo Where's your bindle, Merlin?

AlexMerlin Alright, do we want to just keep going? I have not heard from that

MerlinThis is the show Whoever's here for the show gets to be on the show

AlexOh, you know what? Good point I just feel bad I don't want to say that your voice sounds bad Because it doesn't I just want to empathize

MerlinNo, I'm very sick Bath Technology. I'm closing that one. And where'd my other one go? What'd I do?

AlexWhat'd I do? I wasn't going to say anything, but I don't see any show notes.

MerlinYeah, I made a show notes. I made a show notes one, six, nine times. Nine times, Mrs. Bueller. You know, Ed, with your bad knee, you shouldn't be throwing anyone. We watched Ferris Bueller again last night. Oh, my God.

AlexReally?

MerlinUh-huh. That was her suggestion. We watched a little bit of Star Trek. And she's like, let's watch Ferris Bueller. And I was like, we can do that.

AlexThat's, when was she first exposed to Ferris Bueller?

MerlinOh, probably about a year ago or so.

AlexOh.

MerlinI forget exactly how, I know so many lines from that movie. Like a lot of lines.

AlexYou know, you could just come to Chicago, not to max out.

MerlinOh, and I could do that funny bit where I repeat funny bits on stage. You remember that part where he says, let my cab run go? That was funny.

AlexI actually don't remember that part at all.

MerlinAnd that was really funny. And then he says, worst performance, worst performance. Well, they bought it. Worst performance.

AlexThat is a very good one. I recall Central Park in fall. I'm very triggered by thinking about things filmed in Chicago right now after watching Work in Progress

Merlinbecause of just Jussie Smollett? what?

Alexno after Work in Progress it was just a very upsetting show

Merlinthis might be unless you're saving it for the other show this might be a point to lightly discuss that program

Alexalright let's discuss the program that really fucked me up. How did you come to Work in Progress? The gay Showtime

Merlinshow. Yeah, it's part of their gay block on Showtime. They got sexy lesbian ladies and then they got Work in Progress. How did I hear about it? I feel like I heard about it probably, I mean if I had to guess, just probably The Waves. Oh. I still want to call it Double X. I know. But I love that show. I love Jean Thomas. I would like her to be my friend. And I promise I wouldn't ask a lot of her. I would just like to be her friend online.

If you're listening out there. So I feel like it could be that could be Gab Fest. But anyway, I just I'd heard it described as. How did I hear it described? It was described as being this like funny, but also very warm and sweet show about a queer. how does she present herself?

AlexShe's a queer dyke. She's not a lesbian. Lesbians are old.

MerlinLesbians are old.

AlexThat's right.

MerlinThat's right. And then this person called Chris who is so gorgeous and interesting and just like greatest boyfriend material ever. I did also find myself tripping over myself many times about people's genders and it was very confusing.

AlexThat's the point because it's hard.

MerlinIt's so hard. I guess so. But anyway, that's how I heard about it. And we had a night to ourselves, my lady and I. And I was like, you know, we should at least check this out. This sounds kind of fun. That was interesting. And supposedly they said, you know, it's got a lot of sort of, how do you say? It sounds so patronizing. The kind of people you don't see on TV. Like normal-sized people and people who.

AlexIt has fat people and queer people. It features the kind of people where you look at, you're like, what?

MerlinBut even like, what's her name? Is it Cameron? No, what's her friend's name?

AlexCampbell, yeah.

MerlinCampbell. But even somebody like Campbell, who like, I mean, like, how cool that that lady gets such a fun role. Like, I wonder how many other great, she's probably going to be the fat best friend in almost everything she's in.

AlexYeah.

MerlinYou know what I mean? I don't mean that disparagingly, but that is a type.

AlexNo, yeah. She is fat and tall, which is not, it's like the two strikes against an actor.

MerlinBut she's also, she's deeply hilarious. And once you start doing the flashbacks, oh, my God. Okay, so it's a show about this. Not lesbian because lesbians are old.

AlexLesbians are old.

MerlinSo queer.

AlexOh, you can say queer dyke. It's not a slur. No, no, I'm just forgetting. I'm so sick.

MerlinI'm sorry. Anyway, and she ends up through this series of things like dating this trans man.

AlexWho is 20, like 23 years younger.

MerlinWho is exquisite and probably has got to be in the top 3% of gorgeous androgyny. Like legitimately, you cannot tell this person how they were born.

And anyway, so I'm sorry to go on about this. It's your show. I felt, as I said to Machi on the internet, I was reluctant to even say anything to you. Because on the one hand, like me suggesting this show to you is like, what? it's like this is so fucking in your wheelhouse that it caused me physical pain and I felt like kind of an idiot to go

Speaker Bhave you seen this work in progress you might want to check it out it addresses some of the stuff that's on your mind you might want to check it out

Merlinit's a little bit about your life and stuff you should check it out and I'm not saying it's you but there is this not lesbian but this queer dyke person

Speaker Bwho has some human interaction

Merlinand mental health issues but is extremely lovable and so goddamn funny and enjoys a beer at a party. What is that, Miller Lite?

AlexYeah, it's her Diet Coke, and it fucking freaks me out. Yeah, Miller Lite.

MerlinMiller Lite. And I don't know. Tell me how you feel about it.

AlexWell, whenever I had heard of the show, and it was on, you know, like in the list of stuff, but it was right after, it airs right after the L word Generation Q. so like the zoomer l word which i it looks very fun eventually i'll watch it um but they sure are pretty yeah they are all very pretty shane's back though so shane who is it uh shane shane from the original show shane is that flesh dance the moving on don't know that reference the jennifer beale

isn't jennifer beale's on that program i have no idea i've actually never seen all of the l word I'm a fake lesbian. Lesbians are old. But I tried not to project myself too much onto, like, the gay and queer characters in media. Because that can be a lot for a person to do. Because then, you know, like, when it's a villain, it sucks.

MerlinUntil the last few years, it was pretty certain you'd die tragically.

AlexYeah. You'd fridged. When I saw Boys Don't Cry, that wasn't a good experience for me. Good movie. Not a fun time. And so Maddie and I were like, oh, cool. Oh, this is in Chicago? Oh, fun. Oh, yeah, sure. Let's watch this. And then I saw you tweet, watch now. Not to me, just on Twitter. And I think you had a similar tweet about Watchmen. And I'm like, oh, okay. This is serious business.

MerlinYeah, because sometimes it is, for me, it's a case of, and I don't know, I could probably do that better. But it's a case of if you trust if if you don't distrust my taste and you think that sometimes we like similar things. It's my way of trying to say there's an urgency here to like don't don't miss this because it's very good. But also don't sit on this because like you should get to experience this. I feel like in the same very fresh way that I did where I was like, what the fuck is this?

AlexYeah.

MerlinI mean, and I don't as with Watchmen. Yeah.

AlexYeah.

MerlinAnd so you jump in. It's the first goddamn episode.

AlexOh, boy.

MerlinTalking to the therapist. I want that wallpaper so much.

AlexI know. Yeah. Right?

MerlinI can't find it anywhere. The wallpaper of the therapist. I love that it's exactly the same expression, like, on the poster as when she died. Oh, my God. It's so fucking perfect. She killed her therapist. I heard you killed your therapist. and like just the fact you're so i was so involved in her rant that that shot up angle of her oh god you know like ranting and like being what was she talking about it was so demented

Maxlook at this i did not do this the what i didn't do it all right all right the can you can we just

Alexestablish that i didn't do that you that's correct what did what did max break uh he didn't break anything. Nothing happened.

MaxThat is 100% that's not my fault. It was a pre-existing condition.

MerlinWe're going to cover your pre-existing conditions. You cannot bill me for that. They want to take away your second amendment. We brought Veterans Choice.

MaxMerlin, you sick, buddy? What's going on? You sound sick.

MerlinNo, I'm good. I'm great. You sound a little sick. I'm a little sick.

MaxIf you don't admit it, it can't happen. I'm a little twisted.

AlexExactly.

MaxI'm a little twisted.

MerlinA little twisted. I'm the joker, baby. I'm a little twisted and dancing on the stairs. I'm dancing on the stairs because I'm a little twisted.

MaxAlex, why is there so much duster over here?

AlexWhat do you mean why is there so much duster?

MaxLook at this shelf full of duster.

AlexIs that just the word dust? Oh, yeah, because it gets too cold when you're cleaning out. We blow these little buttons every morning.

MaxYou blow the buttons.

AlexAnd you, otherwise you need to wait because it goes through like one button, one mic, and then it's too cold and you're supposed to wait. So instead of doing that. Are people huffing this duster?

MaxNo.

AlexI didn't know you could do that. Let's not talk about, wait, what would you?

MaxOh, please. Don't pretend like you don't know that you can huff the duster.

AlexNo, no, no. I know you can huff.

MaxAre you talking about like spray air?

AlexYeah, we're talking about compressed air.

MaxYou get your huff duster. I love that band. You put your podcast files on there. It creates a private RSS feed.

AlexNo, Merlin, don't worry. I genuinely am like, wait, are you seeing dust on the shelves? But duster.

MerlinMax is moving pretty fast this morning.

AlexYeah. He's moving very fast this morning. Duster is compressed air.

MerlinDuster.

AlexYou know, like you spray into the MacBook Pros at the like 45 degree angle.

MerlinAt the angle, yeah.

AlexAnd Max is telling me you can huff it, which.

MerlinYeah, you can huff anything. Don't please. Don't pretend like you don't know if you can huff it.

AlexWell, I mean, you can. But like, what would happen?

MerlinNo one's impressed by that. You get a little euphoric, I imagine. Or maybe you get deep inside. I don't know. But it cleans out the dust. That's what it says on the tin.

MaxMerlin, you ever huff anything? I'm not.

MerlinI'm not reading. Yeah, sure. What'd you huff? Oh, you know, Rush, locker room, done Whippets, mostly Rush, amyl nitrate, as they call it in the community. And I would have that. And sometimes I would have, yeah, like I say, Whippets, nitrous oxide, street names.

AlexThat's what I know, the Whippets and the Whiteout. But it always scared me too much. Oh, and glue, right? That's what Charlie Day does.

MaxI think I missed the golden age of huffing.

MerlinOh, yeah. It used to be in the 70s. Everything got you high. Yeah. Then they took out all the good stuff. They took out the benzene or whatever. No, no, no.

MaxBy the time I was in high school, if I had a can of spray mount that I was using for like-

MerlinYeah, like putting on foam core or something?

MaxYeah, like building something. People were like, what's he huffing? Is he getting high?

MerlinMm-hmm, mm-hmm, mm-hmm.

MaxIs he spraying into a bag and then breathing the fumes in?

MerlinThe glory days had already gone by. I still have a very strong emotional attachment, not in a good way, to a photo in a health, I want to say a health book from probably eighth grade. And it was a picture of a skinny shirtless teenager with a bag over his head. Black and white photo. High contrast. Dead. Fucking dead. Because he put the bag with the glue rag over his head.

Huffing it in. Huffing it in. 38 special. Now he's fucking dead. Dead. Skinny dead boy.

AlexThe, oh man, I also think I miss the golden age of huffing, but not the golden age of dare. What is it? Dare?

MerlinIs that where you do the, on the arteries to make people pass out?

AlexOh fuck, what is the drug prevention, drugs, alcohol, running around? Dare to keep kids off drugs. Ah, yeah, but like, I don't know what the-

MaxWas that national or did we just have that in Illinois? Oh boy, oh boy.

MerlinOh, boy, if I got an episode of a podcast for you.

AlexYou got to listen to the You're Wrong About episode of Dare because it was. Surprise.

MerlinIt's a racket.

AlexYeah. Yeah. I mean, and it was really great to just hear that everything that I thought about as a fifth grader was indeed true. Like, it was all fake. It was just so the. You know what? The best thing that came out of it is the teachers got a break. So, you know what?

MerlinGood for them. But like there was just this entire, there were all these different utterly irrational things that at the time people like me would look at it and go, pa. And now today we know it's all irrational. There were devil worshiper kid diddling nursery schools and stuff. That wasn't a thing.

AlexYeah.

MerlinHi. Welcome. Come on down to JJ Kid Diddler.

AlexMy school was really tuned in to all of the Macs that's not plugged in. Or it is plugged in. Oh, it's farting. There's a water cooler in here. I hate the water cooler, and it made a weird noise. And anyway. Why do you hate the water cooler?

MerlinIt hydrates you.

AlexBecause people don't. They can bring in their own water bottles. It's just there to serve.

MerlinDoes not have my piss powder that I enjoy.

AlexWater coolers feel so unsanitary. I don't want to talk about it. Dr. Don can.

MerlinYou worry that it's been in someone's butt?

AlexI feel like that nozzle.

MerlinOh, it's so convenient.

AlexNo one cleans it. I don't know. And if you do clean it, what do they clean it with?

MerlinProbably a filthy sponge.

MaxYou think it's like Pawnee, like people come in and they put their whole mouth over the

Alexnozzle? Like, I...

MaxAnd they depress the lever and it just gushes down their throat?

Alex100%. Hopefully not in here, but the one that's like out there during events, I bet someone drunk has put their head under the water spout and just pulled the lever and gone to town.

MaxLet me ask you this. Are you guys worried about this coronavirus? Have you changed your life in any way? I'm having trouble understanding if it's something. Basically, here's what I'm doing. I wake up every morning and I open Google News and I look at the story and I'm like, is the coronavirus like a pandemic that's destroying society yet or not yet? And this morning I woke up and it was like, the story was like a doctor was killed in China treating the coronavirus. I was like, I guess it's not a global pandemic yet.

AlexIt's not good. It seems to be, well, our good friend of the show, Dr. Don, was telling me yesterday, you know, take precautions for this just as you would the normal flu, which, you know.

MerlinTypical, typical New Jersey dithering.

AlexYep.

MerlinIt's exactly what you'd expect from Dr. Don at this point.

AlexI'm like, well. It depends.

MerlinIt depends. I'm a doctor. It depends. Everything depends. I would give you a straight answer about your health if I could confuse you anymore.

AlexI have changed my life.

MerlinThanks, buddy. Thank you.

AlexYeah, I read about it every morning and get stressed out.

MerlinMy concern is that it's too late to do anything about it.

AlexOh, it's not.

MerlinBecause, because, at least according to National Public Radio, which I've mostly stopped listening to because I don't want to hear or read anything anymore. They were saying this morning about how the city where this started, there was an opportunity to sort of keep things cordoned off there. But they, a lot of people traveled and they're still like figuring out how many people have this because there's been so many exposures.

AlexIt's not good. Well, I texted a number of doctor friends. Some I haven't. I did the shitty thing where I haven't talked to someone in years. And I was like, so, hey, how's your kid? Anyway.

Speaker AYou're divorced.

AlexHow's it going? Oh, sorry. I saw your mom passed away. Sorry about that. I missed the funeral.

MerlinR.I.P. R.I.P to a real one.

AlexBut it seems like it is mostly the same people who are at risk for pneumonia are dying from this the same way. Like it's kids and old people. So if you're an old, careful. Be careful out there, folks. I don't know.

MerlinI guess I'll probably go out less.

AlexOh, yeah.

MerlinSo let me see. coronavirus lands in California. Flight full of Americans fleeing Wuhan. Wuhan. Coronavirus lands in California. Passengers will be quarantined. Q-U-A-R.

AlexWhat a fun way.

MerlinQuarantine.

MaxMerlin, do you have the coronavirus now? Is that possible? Yeah.

MerlinNo, I've been very sick for a week. And I'm muting a lot because I have a rattling cough.

AlexBut I sound cool. We're not Syracuse. You can cough here. It's a safe space.

MerlinWe had a perfect storm last night, and I had to reschedule, which is very rare with Syracuse. But anyways, we're here. We're queer. Get used to it.

AlexTears queer. Coronavirus. Max, did your dorm have the panic about the bird flu or the hog flu? I forget what. No.

MaxThere was no panic. I, I, I, we, we really didn't have any like, uh, news. As far as I can recall, I don't think we had any sort of like, uh, any sort of like, uh, Ebola scare type panics or anything like that.

AlexIn my dorm, uh, my roommate in my first year of college, she got the bird flu and a bunch of people like on our floor and across campus got the bird flu, which then like later everyone realized oh it's it's just basically the flu but you need to be a little bit more hydrated and just watch it more um but she was put up in the hilton and got food delivered to her every day via room service because everyone was so afraid the jesuits were really afraid of this so they were all quarantined like at the milwaukee hyatt that's like the fanciest hotel and oh my god that sounds

amazing yeah in college you say it's in college yeah yeah no she was we were like talking every and she's like, this is awesome.

MerlinWell, there's a lot of times in college I could have used some free food in a place to sleep.

AlexRight?

MerlinJiminy Christmas. I was like a Tuscan Raider. I was just like going from room to room.

MaxJust like, what can I eat here? What happens if you get that coronavirus? It's like the flu, right?

AlexIt's more like pneumonia.

MaxIt's more like pneumonia.

AlexSo it is a lung type disease. Why am I explaining? I should never explain.

MaxIs that a lung type disease?

AlexThat's like a grass type Pokemon. Yeah. I don't know why I went into it. I went into I went into No go on Why did I go into this Go on I'm interested to hear more Okay okay Oh It's a lung It's a lung type disease Why did I do this

MerlinLet me write this down Why

AlexWhat have I done

MerlinIs it a disease Or an infection Because I don't think We say disease anymore

AlexI think it's an infection I don't know

MerlinIs it a lung type infection

AlexGod I went into that With the confidence Of a white man Like so

MerlinOh I'm sorry I started to trigger you Sorry We'll take care of that In a hurry It's an infection, not an infarction. It's a gravy boat, not a navy boat, is what you're saying.

Okay. And that's your lungs. It's a lung involvement issue.

AlexI don't know. I was told from a doctor that it's more like a pneumonia because it affects your lungs. not your whole... So where you get

Merlinlung water? Like a hydroflask?

AlexA hydro... Okay. I'm not sure.

MerlinAnd the question then becomes, you get water lung, and you've got the mask on. And then yeah, it sucks.

AlexHave you ever done the mask thing?

MerlinNo. Most people supposedly, at least in my neighborhood, the natives, when they're doing that, they're trying to protect other people. It looks like they're trying to protect themselves, but I think it's considered a polite thing to do if you think you might be sick to do that. But then there are definitely people who are doing it because they don't want to get sick. But I'm not sure how much those Walgreens masks make a difference, but I don't know.

MaxSo I have a flight coming up, and I was thinking maybe to wear the mask. And I have non-coronavirus reasons to wear the mask as well, But, which I can share. Please do. Which I, I read a thing a while back that said one of the reasons that the flying can fuck with your sinuses is that it's just extremely dry air. Like it's like zero humidity air. And putting the mask on, it retains like some humidity in your breath and it's better for your.

MerlinOh, it's like a sauna suit for your nose. I get it.

MaxIt's like a little easier on your sinuses if apparently if you wear the mask. Like Tupperware for your face, right? It's been this like idea in my back pocket for years after I read that online that I was like maybe I should be wearing the mask on the plane You should get some kind of Immortan Joe set up like just get it like a little biome you could live in Not to mention you turn that little fart blower on on the ceiling and you aim that right at your face I I know that I I you cannot tell me that that air is not blowing bacteria into your it just has to be

MerlinThere's it's just like a Dyson laser beam. I mean, it's like a Dyson but shooting straight at your face

MaxYou can see a sort of green crust growing around the rim of that thing. Look at it.

AlexI don't want to.

MaxThe next time, I'm going to send you a picture when I get on this flight.

AlexWhich channel will that go through? I'm looking forward to that.

MerlinYou should start a new one called the Sky Guy Boys. Have you ever really looked at the nozzle, the little fart blower?

AlexI've looked at it a little bit, yeah.

MaxI'm telling you, if you go up to twist it and you really look at it, there's always a ring of dark green boogers and moss. Oh, okay.

MerlinMaybe it's seasoning, like for Pam. Yeah. Maybe that's, what do they call that? Like when you get it on brass, it gets a, what do they call it?

AlexOh, oxydation.

MerlinOxydation. Oxydation. It could be that It could be It's got the brimation

Speaker APatina Is that what I'm struggling for Patina

MerlinThat'd be a pretty name For a girl Oof I was 13.3.1 Is out That's exciting Ooh Yeah Wait

AlexIowa what

MerlinWhat now Iowa Iowa Iowa Iowa

Alex3.1 What

MerlinWhat Four days

Alex13.3.1 13.3.1

MaxAt the time of this When this podcast comes out There will be it will be like three days until Iowa. Wow. The Iowa caucuses. The next time we talk, it will be living in a post-Iowa caucuses world. Bernie Sanders will be that much closer to being the nominee.

AlexDo you really think it'll happen?

MaxNo, I don't believe in anything anymore.

AlexI can't let myself believe it.

MaxIf you believe the polls, Sanders is going to win Iowa.

AlexExactly.

MaxBut I don't believe the polls. But at what cost? I don't have a point here. I just like saying it. Beating Trump.

MerlinThat's the cost. Okay. All right. All right. All right. Cool. USMCA.

Alexdo you ever have fantasies though about uh this is not like i i have like fantasies in my head about how all of the debates against trump would go off the various candidates not based on like their qualifications but just pure entertainment value because that's where we are in the world

Merlinand it's bad but whatever oh so you're talking here about like a like the long anticipated push up contests between Biden and Trump?

AlexWell, oh, God, I have to usually clear that one out because it gets too sad.

MerlinOr too sexy.

AlexWell, no, no. But can you imagine, like, Trump against Mayor Pete and, like, just trying so hard not to use slurs and then getting confused and, like, it's...

MerlinIt would be like me watching Work in Progress. I mean, like, a program. Now, wait a minute. That fellow over there. That fellow over there. Is he a gay or the other one?

AlexHe's a troop, but... He's not a twink.

MerlinIs he a twink?

AlexHe's handsome and his voice is deep, but the husband...

MaxMerlin, I'm so delighted that you're enjoying

MerlinWork in Progress. Thank you.

MaxYeah, Merlin, I'm so glad that you found this show.

MerlinI'm glad I made you happy with enjoying it. It's very good.

MaxNo, I'm glad. I love that show. I want it to succeed. I think it's a good barometer.

MerlinJust don't use the dead name.

MaxIt's a very good show. Yeah.

MerlinYep.

MaxI think it's a good barometer that you're digging it.

MerlinOh, okay. Yeah. I mean, I like TV.

MaxMerlin, you're a tastemaker.

AlexWait, have you seen all... You're an influencer.

MerlinI'm an influencer.

AlexAll right. Since Merlin and I were talking about this beforehand, wait, so you work with... I can't believe Becca Levine, who is... Everyone should Google her and work outside cards, but she's one of our senior card writers, and she's amazing. She just happens to be an extra in the scene, or one of the scenes.

MerlinOh, yeah, with reading the book, right?

AlexYeah, yeah, yeah. What is your relationship to her? Can we be friends with her? To Becca? No, not Becca. To Abby? Yeah, yeah. Abby's like...

MaxShe's a big deal. Well, now she is, but Abby's like a long... No, she's always been a big deal. She's a longtime fixture of the Chicago improv scene. I think she's one of the most beloved people in the Chicago comedy scene. she has a great laugh and so like I think almost everyone has a story of like you go see an improv show and then you hear Abby's laugh in the audience that must be so nice she has a great laugh

Merlinand then she goes

Maxand then you go oh Abby's here like it's just like you're like it's like some people just have that that crazy that crazy laugh right and yeah she's like she's like very she's like very welcoming and she's like I don't know she's like one of those people that like you know a lot of people okay

MerlinWhat you're looking for is cool. She sounds cool. She's so cool.

MaxShe sounds so cool. A lot of people get into improv because they want to get a job working on TV. And they're like, well, slum it, doing these stupid improv shows for a few years. And then I'll move to L.A. and I'll get a job on some sitcom. And some people, and that's fine. I mean, I'm glad that that's a path for people. But some people, on the other hand, they enjoy the scene. They enjoy the work. They like the shows. And they're here to do it. And that always seemed like Abby to me. She stuck it out for a really long time. Like she's been doing it for the entire time that I've been interested in improv in Chicago.

And she's really fucking funny. And like she's amazing and everything that she's in. And it's just like couldn't like that this show got made and that it's so good couldn't have happened to a better person.

AlexIt is so weird because I actually think the first one of the first improv shows I saw in Chicago that wasn't like comedy sports or something. Okay, Merlin, when I say comedy sports, do you know what I mean?

MerlinIt's going to be one of those laugh-along Olympics.

AlexYes, yes.

MerlinKind of like West Side Story gang.

AlexYeah, yeah.

MerlinGangs of yuck-a-mucks.

AlexIt's not a good time. But we're spoiled and in Chicago. So we see a lot of really good improv. And it was the first time I'm like, hey, someone on that stage, there's something different about them. They look a little bit like me. Huh, huh. So that obviously attracted me to her performance. but then realizing that people actually like her was like, oh, oh, this is very pleasant. And I'm just very excited. And I hope the show gets, has it been picked up for a second season? I need to know what happens with Chris.

MerlinWe still haven't watched the last one.

AlexWe watched all the other ones. Oh, I had to say, this should be, I don't want to, I like the circle. I don't want to talk about it. Okay, cool. Because they're so, oh my God.

Anyway.

MerlinI met Pete Rose twice.

AlexI don't know who that is.

MerlinI DMed with Prince. You've mentioned that before. I'm still not entirely clear on how that worked. How do you know it was Prince? Yeah. He told me it was okay to be weird.

Alexeveryone everyone's sick right now i'm not not me i'm not i can't get sick i'm too busy for that

Merlinnope you haven't got time for the pain no okay no time whatsoever for the coronavirus what else is going on I'm going to be better by next week this has got to end this has got to end

MaxI had a very funny thing this week we were do you guys know the Bob's Burgers episode with the magicians where Sazerac comes in and he's like tormenting them so we had a thing he licks the lunch meat I love that I was hanging out with a bunch of magicians in Chicago and I realized we were doing like the Sazerac the thing where it was like these people have been sitting at the table for three hours sharing one plate of french fries

Merlinyes exactly oh my god oh I love him I love his beard I just love the whole thing about him that's a good show

Alexhow often do you perform illusions

Maxfor service workers zero I don't perform at all for people last night we were at the diner at like one in the morning. And that was my Instagram that you're referring to, yes?

AlexWell, no, I've seen you do magic and public a lot.

MaxSo last night, we were at the Hollywood, Simon and I were at the Hollywood Grill and we were like, we were just working on stuff and the waitress was really interested and her and one of the kitchen staff came out and we did some tricks for them. But that was a case where they like, she was like, can I bring someone over and we can see some tricks?

AlexAnd that's fine. Yeah, you get a pass on that.

MaxIn that scenario, we actually did like Simon, like I did some tricks and Simon did some tricks. And then we sort of had to get them to leave. They just were standing there like, okay, next. Like what else? Show me some more. Like it was like at some point we were like, okay, and that's the end of the tricks. We both sort of like put our cards away.

AlexWell, the way that I have always gotten around that is like always, good God, maybe like once a month you're practicing, magic at a table and doing doing a thing with people and then the waiter comes over and is like oh uh can I pick a card and I just go no we're gambling and then it looks very awkward but they leave you alone and they think you're cool because you're breaking the law in a restaurant oh yeah

Merlinthat's smart that's good it's good to have cover stories for all your stuff everything most stories

Alexin my life are just a, like, what is it? You supposedly lie like 15 times a day or something, which seems very odd and scary. But I'm very conscious of all of the lies in my life are to avoid talking to strangers

Merlinbecause you just don't want to do it. Or that's your cover story, at least.

AlexAt least that's what I'm saying now. Who knows? The one, the one, the one, the one,

Merlinthe one I've never understood is where supposedly men think about sexual intercourse every like eight seconds. I've never understood that one.

AlexNo one would get anything done. I just don't.

MerlinI just, like, is it that good? Really? That often? Really?

AlexLike, what do you imagine

Merlinis going to happen?

AlexYeah. I think about,

MerlinI think about Slay the Spire every eight seconds. Slay the Spire? Is that an iOS game?

MaxYeah. I'm thinking about it right now. No. Wait, Slay the Spire is not an iOS. No, when it comes out, I got excited. When it comes out for, it is coming out for iOS this year. When it does come out for iOS, that will be the end of my, you'll never hear, that's it. I'm retiring.

AlexThe office is just going to be empty.

MaxYou've earned it. You've really earned it. Yeah. You should. I'm thinking about Slay the Spire right now. Slay the Spire.

MerlinUh-huh. That's different from Tyler, the creator, right?

MaxIt's on the Nintendo Switch device. Oh, I have that. Yeah. It's a card game. It's fun. Oh, cards.

AlexWell, but no, no, no. Merlin, it's a digital card game. Oh. Yeah, exactly. You do it with your fingers. Exactly. Oh.

MerlinYou guys, I'm really sorry. This show will never be released.

AlexYou do normal cards with... Wait, wait. You do it with your fingers, but you do normal cards. You use your fingers with normal cards.

MaxAlex.

AlexWhat?

MaxAlex.

AlexWhat?

MaxListen.

AlexOkay.

MaxDigital. Digital. Digital.

MerlinDigital. Digital. Digital. Shingy. Shingy.

MaxTech profit. Tech profit. Did you ever see that interview we did with Shingy? You ever seen that? Nope. The next big trend is unfollowing.

Alexoh that's a funny video i should find that i i recently found somebody who in my life told me uh you're right merlin i do say things weird a person told me yeah i can't unfollow these people because it'll hurt social capital and they they use the term social capital which i thought was weird is this a thing for people who like aren't you know like the linkedin vc people social capital No? No?

MerlinShingy. I don't know.

AlexI don't know. It weirded me out.

MerlinThat sounds like a made-up thing from a Mark Zuckerberg charity.

AlexIt sounds like something from a four-hour work week of like, hey.

MerlinWhat is an example of social capital?

AlexExactly. I don't know. I'm like, does that mean friendship? Does that mean professional opportunities? I don't know. I don't know either. I'm like, you mean power? You mean friendship? I don't know. This is why the mute button is great.

MerlinDavid Shing interviews John Roderick and friends. Here it is. Wait, what?

AlexYes.

MerlinRoderick goes Shingy? Shingy.

MaxI have a question for you, Merlin. I'm going to send this to you. Yes, you there. Can I ask you, Christian? When we did our holiday party, you set a card. You said, are you going to make a card appear under my pillow? And I said, what card do you want to appear under your pillow?

MerlinNo, you told me there was one under a pillow. and I looked at all the places a pillow has been. You've gone through my things. I don't like it. I don't feel good about it.

MaxNo, no. You're misremembering this a little bit.

MerlinI'm very vulnerable. No, you misremember. You do that. I'm very vulnerable right now.

MaxYou said, is there going to be a card? You were joking. You were doing your old jokes, your old japes, and you were like, is there going to be a card under my pillow?

MerlinAnd I said, I just don't take magic seriously.

MaxAnd you said, what card should be under my pillow?

MerlinAnd you said,

MaxI don't remember what it was, six of clubs or something.

MerlinOkay.

MaxYou're telling me you never found that card under your pillow?

MerlinSure.

MaxAlex, can you confirm that?

MerlinWhat will please you? What will please you and let this chapter end? There was a card there, right?

AlexThere was.

MerlinSure.

MaxWas Marilla's name card was under his pillow?

AlexYes. Okay. Although I wonder, hmm.

MerlinBecause you're going through my things. You never found it. That's a good feeling. I should come to your house and go through your things. You're welcome. I invite you to. I wasn't talking to you. I was talking to Alexandra. I'm going to go through her things. Their things. I'm going to go through thy things. No one's, number one, there's so much wrong with that. Number one, the landlord doesn't want anyone to come over. Number two, the landlord doesn't want any things to be gone through. The door is not for visitors It's only for tenants

MaxYou're going to have to get a letter from the landlord to even have things

MerlinIt's okay though because he just pops in sometimes

Speaker AHe'll be like oh a new guy

MerlinJust making sure the walls aren't in use

Speaker AAre these walls in use?

MerlinThe load bearing curtain

AlexOh god

MaxAlex, can you get your landlord on the podcast? Can we have him on?

AlexYes. I wonder if I...

MaxLandlord Lives Matter.

AlexOh, Blue Lives Matter guy moved away. Oh, no. Really? Yeah. I don't... Oh, man. Yeah, it's very sad. Except he left his dog. So...

MerlinHuh. Is his dog... Does his dog serve?

AlexYeah, exactly. I actually made... It's a giant, terrifying German shepherd, And I guess I just assumed that this is also a Marine. But no, the dog has stayed with his girlfriend or whatever. But no more Blue Lives Matter flag.

MerlinI got my new mount is arriving. Not my mount, but my, what do you call it, scissoring? The thing where you have the mic that floats in the air. That arrives today. Wait, there's a floating mic? You say umami? Yeah. Why don't I have that? The thing that the grills tear apart. No, not that. The other thing. The thing where I can clamp it to my desk. Oh. Oh, well, don't get these ones. Look at this.

AlexAlex, watch this. Yes, that one's broken.

MerlinI know. I know. They're just so poorly made. That arrives today. It's got a channel I'm pretty excited about. Do you think one of our listeners out there knows the good boom, the good one? I want to know the good boom, and it's got to be a clippy. I don't want to screw things into my desk. I will not do that. I want a good clippy.

AlexYeah. No, I know.

MaxHave you ever had a desk that was the right girth for the clippy? No, no, not at all. This deck is 100% not the right girth for the Clippy.

MerlinI don't know where they come up with the standard for that stuff. But in this case, this is a lunch table that I stole from my cafeteria in 1988 and still use. And it's got, if you imagine, one of those folding tables. It's real solid. At least for 30 years, it's been good to me. And it's got the edge, but then it's got that little metal piece that the boogers go on. So I've got a pretty narrow rim to which I can affix this. But I don't want to put screws in it. It doesn't even technically belong to me. It's actually spray painted on the bottom It says Hamilton Center on it

AlexAnd I just one day

MerlinI just like doot-doot just walked in What's the girth? The girth? The girth? The girth? Are you talking about the depth? No the girth The girth is probably about an inch But then you got the booger railing

MaxAn inch is pretty good Here's the problem with a lot of my desks The girth on the lip is dramatically More than the girth about half an inch in And that's no good for screwing the little shock mount on.

MerlinOh, yeah. You want that to be flush.

MaxYeah.

MerlinFlush and flat, like David Shingy.

MaxYou don't want it to be hanging by a thread.

MerlinI'll see how it works. I'll see what that does. I don't like having all the cables around and pulling things. I don't like it. I just took everything off my desk. I just did the thing. I did the thing where I took everything off my desk and set it aside.

AlexI comboed. Condoed.

MerlinCondoed.

AlexMarie condoed.

MerlinI moved it all off my desk, and then as I need stuff, I'll bring it back to my desk. But sometimes you just got to start over. You know what I'm saying?

AlexOh, you basically did.

MerlinI terraformed. I terraformed. I Gaia bombed my desk.

AlexYou did what I have been trying to get you to do to your iPhone, but to your desk.

MerlinOh, God, I need it. I need it so much. I do the thing now where when I get updates, I do go through and manually see if I need it. And then I'll, this is why from right to left to delete stuff I don't need.

AlexTumblr's still in the lower right-hand corner.

MerlinOf what?

AlexI'll send you my home screen. Sure, sure. Okay.

MerlinI defer to a ghost.

AlexIt's a sad day.

MerlinWell, only you.

AlexIt's a sad day.

MerlinBecause you care about the oddest things.

AlexI'm aware. I don't think it's a good thing for me to care about.

MerlinWe haven't done this in a while. This will be fun.

AlexThis will be fun.

MerlinNo. Is there anything embarrassing?

AlexI don't think so.

MerlinI'll send you mine.

AlexFuck me. God damn it. Why? Editorial? editorial's done with. It's gone. Move on. Oh my god. Alright. Merlin.

MerlinThat is quite a home story. That's good stuff I use.

AlexListen.

MerlinThere's one in there called Home. There's one in there called Move. Calendars, Health, Buy Stuff. Money.

AlexHere's the thing. Money.

MerlinMoney. I can name every kind of nut

AlexSay Hall and Pepper

MerlinYou quit naming all those nuts

AlexI love that movie so much

MaxPeanut Red peanut Black peanut

AlexI think this podcast should just be Me looking at the whole screen While you quote I saw a headline the other day

MaxMustachio nut. I think Kevin said, this was an extremely cursed headline. I believe Kevin sent this maybe in our chat. And the headline reads, Planters hits pause on Mr. Peanut's Super Bowl funeral following Kobe Bryant's death.

MerlinI'm going to read it again. It's one thing to have courage. And it's another thing to have courage about courage.

MaxI'm going to read it again. Oh, God. Planters hits pause on Mr. Peanut's Super Bowl funeral. Super Bowl funeral.

MerlinThe big game.

MaxFollowing Kobe Bryant's death.

MerlinThey hit pause after the death. They hit pause on the Super Bowl funeral after the death of the basketballman.

MaxKobe Bryant's private helicopter flew into a mountain, and the Planters Peanut Corporation, they all scrambled. They're like, everyone get in on the weekend.

Speaker BCome in, come in.

MaxWe have to cancel the Super Bowl commercial of Mr. Peanut's funeral. Give me punch up, give me punch up. Yeah.

AlexSo Kobe Bryant dying was very, it felt very sad. I was sad. I'm not a basketball person, but it seems sad, like very tragic. But now I need to know, what was this commercial that they felt they needed to get rid of it? Like what association did it have to basketball at all? I just want it so bad. Yeah, I want it. It's like the pee tape now. I've let go of the pee tape. Now I want to know about the funeral.

MerlinNo? You don't want to see it? No, no, I'm just trying to unpack this very, very carefully. Okay. I think they're looking to do so. Shake it up. Shake it up a little bit. Shake it up with the brand. Shake it up. I think it's what they planned. Yeah. And then the basketballman died. And then, you know, it's the house that Staples Center built. And so that's, you know, they're doing that now.

AlexWhy can't?

MerlinBecause death. Too soon. Too soon.

AlexPeople die every day. Oh, I see.

MerlinWell, but also it proves he's not Jewish because I think you're supposed to do Kaddish and then he has to be buried within three days.

AlexIs that correct?

MerlinSomebody check me on that. Check my mail.

MaxI wonder what snacks you would bring to Mr. Peanut's funeral. I don't know. I mean, you wouldn't want to be too on the nose. Not to the funeral, to the Shiva.

MerlinOh, you sit in Shiva. Oh. Yeah. I mean, I don't know. Like marzipan? What's a thing that Jewish people like to eat? Marzipan? Corned beef? Soup? What else would you bring?

AlexEverything on the British frame.

MerlinI usually bring salted nuts. Salted nuts? Extra chairs. Probably extra chairs. That just seems like it's in bad taste, though. They're literally sitting. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. I don't know, man. It's complicated. It's a tough time. Did you guys listen to the dueling Bidens?

AlexYes. Did I ever? On episode one.

MerlinI need to go download that. It's just brain meltingly weird. Episode one.

AlexNo.

MaxDid you guys listen to episode one, the podcast, or just that episode? The podcast. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I've heard a few episodes.

MerlinYeah. Okay.

AlexYeah. Like, if someone recommends a particular episode, I will listen. But this one with Felix from Chapo is beautiful.

MerlinAnd the other two guys are very, very funny, too. They really are. Back then, I was lifeguard down in Wilkes-Barre. And you had a guy selling long cars. You get any kind of long car, come on down Chevrolet dealership. The whole other thing you're bringing along. And listen, Jack, that's not the kind of song you're going to sing.

AlexNo, it was so upsetting.

MerlinYou bring a long car.

AlexIt was so upsetting. It's so good.

MerlinBut you have to understand, it's so long and so weird. It's almost like a David Lynch thing. It's not all extremely funny, but it just keeps dipping in and out of extremely funny and extremely weird and extremely non sequal. So what we're talking about here is this podcast. It's similar to an idea that I had a million years ago. Every episode is the first episode, right, of a podcast. And this one is three different people, including Felix Biederman from Chapo, each doing a joke. Like as if there were three, Joe Biden in the room, but three different people were Joe Biden.

And they're all just talking like Joe Biden. and it's pretty goddamn funny.

AlexI think I, like, you can't, I'm not doing a good David Lynch movie. You just can't turn it off. You can't, like, you can't turn your ears away.

MerlinYou want to try just dropping the needle just somewhere in the middle?

AlexYou know what? You know what? Drop the needle. That's good. Oh, my God.

MerlinJust see what happens when you drop the needle. Is that Brendan, formerly of Chapo? Oh, I don't know.

MaxNo, I don't think so. I think his Twitter name is Deep Beige. No, I'm saying the principal's motor. Oh, no, no. I'll tell you about that in a second.

Speaker A...campaign deal, God rest his soul. What they think is it's time for trick-or-treating and going out there and getting what's given to them. And it's like, well, no, pal, now is not the time for dress-up. Yeah, people don't want no handouts. They don't want any kind of freewheeling. They don't trust it. They want to go to the quarry, and they want to bust rocks for their gravy. You know what I'm saying? It's something that is the cornerstone of America right there. It's like back in the day when you met a woman, you used to be able to just go ahead and put a little bit of her hair in your mouth. And it was inconsiderate rude or weird or anything like that. It was just something that you did. It was a little playful thing that you did is put a little bit of a girl's hair in your mouth. And nowadays, you got all the PC police and everybody telling me,

and I'm growing and learning.

AlexSee, I was trying to find a good place to stop, but you can't.

MerlinYou just can't. More, more, more. I want a little bit more. Give me a little more.

Speaker AMore so than I did even as a baby. I learned more this year than I did. I learned almost nothing as a child and a baby the whole time compared to now.

Speaker BI want to tell you about one of the great friends I met on this campaign. And believe me, campaign, get more friends than any app.

AlexWhat's going on in a campaign?

Speaker BJack, you say you don't have enough friends? Well, why don't you buckle up and run for president?

Speaker AI highly recommend everybody run for president at least once in their life. Absolutely.

Speaker BYou can make more friends. Your address book won't even fit in your pocket anymore, and I guarantee that. But I want to tell you a telly tale about a longshoreman.

MerlinAnd it's over an hour long. It's over an hour long. And of course, they're coming in with their longer cars. Oh, God. And you're going to have trouble getting that kind of candy that you want to get. Oh, God. You want to get, you know, Freemason snowy treats coming on down. And that's the thing. And I'll tell you what, Jack, when I was a lifeguard, I met a lot of people coming along to touch my legs. And that, you know, that's just a free... Hey, listen, buddy, that's freedom.

AlexOh, God.

MaxThe thing I sent you is a podcast by two dudes, Brendan O'Hare and Corey Snorowski, who were...

MerlinOh, that guy! That guy from Twitter. I know him.

MaxYeah, they both are former ClickHole writers. And they're just two of the funny... They're sort of like weird Twitter guys. They're just two of the funniest people alive, I think. And they have this podcast called This Is Branchburg. This is not the first time I've linked it to you, but... Oh, I don't remember this. I'll totally listen to this. This is, to me, the funniest podcast that I've found in years. Really?

MerlinWow.

MaxI really recommend this episode three, The Principal's Motorcade. It is so fucking funny.

MerlinI already recommended this several times, but I'll recommend it again.

MaxAnd, oh, Merlin, produced by Tim and Eric.

MerlinNo, Tim Heidecker. Tim Heidecker. Tim and Eric. Tim and Eric. Your Kickstarter sucks is extremely fucking funny. Episode 132, Mr. P, is very a good starter. is just from less than a couple weeks ago. But God, the chemistry these guys have is so great. They're so goddamn funny. I think they're from, I want to say Tennessee. And they're so funny. And the way they go off on some extremely bad Kickstarters and play the videos is very funny. But it's another one of those shows where it's really like,

if you like these hosts, you'll like the show. I'll put that in show notes.

AlexI recommend Noble Blood, which is... Noble Blood.

MaxNow, do I have to subscribe to Red Scare to get that?

AlexNoble Blood.

MaxNo, that's Dana's podcast. You know her? Yeah, we went to high school together.

AlexOh, yeah. I met Pete Rose twice. Yeah, I one time saw... Who's Dana?

MaxDana Schwartz. Dana Schwartz. Hashtag resistance Twitter poster. Okay. I think she's probably pretty famous for that.

AlexI liked her talking about Marie Antoinette.

MaxHer podcast, both of her books are very funny. And I definitely recommend the Twitter account Guy in Your MFA, which is her. She's really fucking funny. I think she's gotten a big Twitter following for posting about anti-Trump stuff in 2016. But I actually enjoy her primarily as a comedy writer. Dana Schwartz, zzzz? Yeah, that sounds right. Okay. But she wrote, she has two books out.

I definitely recommend the guy in your MFA Twitter account, which is also, I think, yeah. Oh, I feel like I've seen that too. Yeah, that's so fun. It's one of Jen and I's favorite Twitter things, and it's very, very funny. And then, yeah, she has this awesome podcast, Noble Blood, that is doing very well and everybody loves. A neck and a necklace. Okay, cool.

MerlinShould we do our, we're running a little long here. Should we do our challenge? Yes, what was the challenge this week? Challenge this week, I feel like might have been mine,

Alexbut it feels like a max. No, Dig Dug. It was me, I think, technically. Which one are you? Yeah. I wanted us to watch. Alex, what's the challenge?

MerlinWhat's the challenge even?

AlexI'm getting there. I'm getting there. I'm getting there. I wanted us to watch the first season. Not season. Damn it. Cut. Keep going.

MerlinYou're doing good.

AlexI got it. I got it. What's the challenge this week, Alex? Alex, what's the challenge this week?

MerlinWas it your challenge?

AlexWatch the first episode of Picard on CBS All Access. It's wonderful. Beloved Pokemon Picard.

MerlinAnd then he becomes Picardmander.

AlexDid you watch it?

MerlinFuck yeah.

AlexMax?

MaxI watched it.

AlexI watched the first scene and was so taken aback that I'm like, no, I need to watch more of this for context. Because I know the thing with him and Data. But then he talks to his... I'm spoiling literally the first minute of this episode. and he talks to his dog when he's getting out of bed and I'm like, that is a reference that I don't understand. No, it's not. And I want to understand this show.

And I was talking to someone who was like, yeah, this feels like the Star Trek that I wanted as a kid, but there wasn't production values,

not special effects, but there wasn't the cinematography that this show has. So I peanut buttered real hard. because I'm sorry.

MerlinI'm so lost. You started to watch it and then decided you said I need more of this, but you turned it off.

AlexI need no, no, no. I need I need more context. I need the backstory. I need to watch the episodes from like Max's guide to. Yeah. And there's another one that's like, OK, watch these five episodes. If you want to know what's happening in Picard.

MerlinWhat's that? What's that two parter with Spock? Like intuition or integration or something like that?

MaxIs it homecoming?

MerlinNo, it's the one, but it's one that explains a lot of the Romulan backstory stuff. We were watching that last night.

AlexYes, yeah. I'm like, I don't fucking know.

MerlinWell, I mean, that's funny, though. Max, obviously, I imagine will have the most to say, but I had the same feeling of... Unification. Unification, yeah. I immediately got Doctor Who vibes from this in the sense that even when I didn't, I knew I did, I could tell there was a reference to something going on, but I didn't know what it was or I had a vague idea. I knew that some... Can we do spoilers here? Is that all right?

Alexspoilers now

MaxI mean it's the first episode of a show we can't spoil that for people

Alexyeah no I didn't turn it off because of spoilers

Merlincan or shouldn't

Alexno we're spoiling now

Merlinso the character at the beginning that involves a gambling enterprise I knew there had been something involving I've tried to avoid spoilers I've not watched the whole series of Next Generation but I knew for example that there had been a sacrificial something something with that character and then involved the last scene involved playing cards. I knew that. So I figured something was going on there.

But there's a lot of stuff. Like I think, isn't one of the jokes with the dog that like Jean-Luc Picard is French, just raised in England. He is French, but he's never like spoke French on the show. Is that part of a joke? It's not a joke. It's that a lot- Oh, I'm sorry. But like a thing, if you'd watched TNG a million times, you would pick up on a lot more obviously.

MaxWell, he's, yeah, he's French. Picard's a French name. He has like, there's like Chateau Picard wine is like, is like a thing that's appears in the series a few times. And then there's a few episodes. Well, there's an episode after he, after he gets kidnapped, after he gets turned into a Borg during Next Generation. He goes back home to the vineyard in France and he has sort of dealing with the trauma of that. We just watched that one too.

MerlinIt's a great episode, right? Yeah. Well, there's a bunch of really great ones. I've been using a combination of your guide and different, like, you know, X best, you know, episodes ever. Anyhow, I'm a basic bitch. I fucking love this. I thought it was great. I take the note from my boyfriends on the watch that, like, eventually all IP-heavy franchises eventually become about themselves, and that's kind of a bummer. But I thought this was very well done. I thought it looked beautiful, and it made me feel good things.

I really liked it. And I'm very excited by, I usually don't watch previews, but holy shit, previews, babe. Oof. Oof. What did you think, Max? Did you like it?

MaxI did like it. I will continue watching it, which is more than, I watched the pilot of Discovery, and I was like, you know what, this isn't for me.

MerlinOh, it gets better after the pilot. It really does. I know.

MaxBut she has a role. It's really good. I watched the pilot of Star Trek Enterprise, and I was really, way back in the day, and I was very disappointed and had that theme music and the pilots pretty bad. And I was like, this is no good. And then, you know, whatever, five, six, seven years later, I went back and watched the whole thing. And I was like, no, it was all right. It was pretty good. It wasn't the Star Trek I love, but it was a fine show. I assume I'll go back and watch Discovery at some point and I'll feel the same way. Picard, my feelings about it are it was, I mean, clearly like the nostalgia is like built for me.

These little like nostalgia mouse traps are built for me. and I'm just going to keep getting my tail caught in them. Anytime they're going to have Data, and it's Picard and Data talking to each other in a dream, and he's an old man. It's like, what do you specifically wrote that for me?

MerlinI'm not made of stone. Of course I'm going to watch that.

MaxYeah, so I'm going to watch it. To me, Star Trek is about a certain thing, which is people sort of solving problems nonviolently, and then they do clever Star Trek stuff to save the day. And that is sort of what I like about Star Trek is there's these rules that they ask you. Star Trek asks you, please invest in this. Very similar to Harry Potter, actually. They say, please invest in this universe. We're going to teach you 100 things about this universe.

In order to watch the show, you're going to learn how the transporters work and the transporters can't work if the shields are up and the tractor beam goes like this and this is what the weapons do. You're going to learn all that shit to understand Star Trek, right? And the rules are consistent, usually. generally, yes. Once you learn that, it pays off because what happens is when you have those rules, the best writing in Star Trek, within the framework of those rules, they do something genuinely very clever. And you're just like, damn, that's like, it's not like a fake clever thing.

It's like they actually, someone smart, like thought of a clever way for them to use diplomacy and technology to like solve this problem that they have. And they all sit around the table. A lot of the best dramatic scenes of Star Trek are the crew, which are, they're all smart, competent, measured, calm people sitting around the conference table talking about what to do. And then they make a plan and they do the plan and the plan works. I don't want to say like, that's like the only good Star Trek episodes or like the, or even the only, it's not like certainly not the only good way to tell stories or do TV, but that's, that's to me, that's like at the heart

of Star Trek. That's the essence of it that I personally really like. And there's not a ton of other media like that. Like if I like, I've, you can't really find that anywhere else. And I think in the modern era, in the 2010s and beyond, there's almost no appetite to make that. And so what everyone wants is Star Trek to be something else. They all want Star Trek to be Star Wars or to be a space opera or an action show or a spy show or a noir or something that it's not really. And so to me, it feels like they sort of took the Star Trek IP and pasted it onto

an action show and there's like shit's exploding and there's this girl jumping on top of a staircase and the guy vomits acid on her and it's just like okay okay alright

Alexit's not bad

Maxit's not that it's a it was a like I said I'm gonna watch it it's fine but it's just not they're not interested in the special parts of Star Trek they're interested in the sort of trappings of they like the like production design of Star Trek they're like what if they all wore these costumes and it looked like this but they're not interested in the like in the ideas of Star Trek. It doesn't feel like Star Trek. It just looks like Star Trek.

AlexWell, I think I made the right choice then in turning it off because I'm fine with the nostalgia type things. Not nostalgia, but I like a good Doctor Who reference even though it's pandering. And I honestly think the reason I haven't gotten into Star Trek is because I haven't tried. It's always like, okay, this is on in the background and it shouldn't be like that or so I'm told I'm watching it wrong. And I think it's interesting that there aren't,

like why aren't there shows like this? It feels like there was Star Trek and then people liked the West Wing because they were supposedly solving problems. And there's not like-

MaxThe problem was in the West Wing, it was a bunch of smart people who were like super, it was sort of confidence porn in the same way as Star Trek. but they actually didn't solve problems. And in fact, they didn't even aspire to solve problems, right? The end of every West Wing episode is, well, we didn't do anything,

Merlinbut we're at peace with it. And it's just like that fantasy has not been so great. There's also this thing, there's so many things about this. One thing I think about is, for example, there's all kinds of art and media movies from the past hundred years where you look back and you go, that was really good and very important, but also problematic in some ways, to use that word I love, But, you know, like Gone with the Wind, it's a good movie, but like a lot of what's going on there is pretty fucked up. And what's funny is, and so one could make the argument in that case of, well, you know, it's easy enough to throw Gone with the Wind under the bus.

It was a different time, et cetera, et cetera. I feel like in some ways almost the opposite is true with Star Trek, where you cannot appreciate how unusual TOS was for the time that I feel like. Like it was, it wasn't a show that was just always on the bubble of like just about getting canceled for its three years. but it was so unusual.

MaxOh, yeah. Any Star Trek... Well, the original series did get canceled, and then all of the other ones were just like, it's a miracle that they got...

MerlinBut, I mean, it was never a big... It was not a big success in the way of, like, a Brady Bunch or something, right?

MaxYes, of course. Right, right. But, of course, like... Well, TNG was, for a few seasons, was primetime, was a big, big crossover primetime hit. But they also had a weird distribution model that I don't understand, where it was on different networks in different cities.

MerlinYeah, went straight to syndication. So all I was going to say about TOS, though, is that. To what you're saying here, Max, that I think is extremely interesting and for the time, is that like in genre fiction, you do usually get a fair amount of world building and rules to help you understand what happens and doesn't happen in this universe. And like you said, with Harry Potter, what did you say with Star Trek? And then it actually enables you to operate, I think, in a narratively efficient way, where you don't have to say, well, it isn't like every week they've got to go, hey, why is nobody ever talking about money? And you're like, well, money's a solved

problem. Don't worry about that. We assume pretty much that there's usually some wackadoo hybrid people on, like there's some combination of this extremely wild or unhuman species crossed with the human. And there's innumerable examples of things that are closer to human than the alien that they are. I still don't completely understand how Worf isn't killing everybody. But the point is you do have the vocabulary. You jump into that and now you can fairly efficiently tell these stories, they're not all going to be great. Pivot to now. Things have changed a lot. The levers of

power have changed a lot. It used to be if you were NBC, you offered a deal with somebody. And then that person got the budget to make this kind of show without continuity that could be written by different people. And you know what I mean? So like, I just think that today, you're usually gonna get somebody like, for example, like Noah Hawley doing the Star Trek movie. Very excited about that. I mean, Disney, Star Wars, they've played with this a little bit with the Star Wars stuff. And apparently it looks like the results of that have not been great. All I'm trying to say

is that today you can still do a lot of those things. It is established IP. It's not that different from Marvel in the sense that you're really not allowed to create too many new characters. You're going to iterate on previous characters that we own. And then we figure out how this all fits together. There's talks now of the Emperor maybe showing up in the next season of the Mandalorian. We were like, uh, really? But I think that's the difference is that now, the difference I'm trying to say here is like, if, in my head, Mad, I said this to Dan yesterday, I feel like Mad Men was where things really took a turn in some ways.

Where we first saw more than just like good TV, but prestige TV, where you could see how people that normally wouldn't think of doing TV would start doing TV. And then you flash forward, what, 10 years? And look where we are now. Like TV's the place to be. That's the place David Fincher can go and say that was the best movie making experience I ever had was working with Netflix. Right. So that's all changed a lot. Nobody wants to do episodic, you know, villain of the week stuff anymore.

MaxWell, listen, I don't want, I've said this before on the, I think we've talked about this idea before on the show, but like I don't want new Star Trek necessarily, like as a fan. I want new things that make me feel the same way that Star Trek made me feel. and unfortunately my verdict on the first episode of Picard is it is more Star Trek in the sense that it's like they're wearing the Starfleet uniform and it's Picard on the screen and there's data and there's all the check that one off and check that one off and there's that reference

and there's that and there's that and it's like yeah there's all the things I like but that show did not make me feel the same way that Star Trek made me feel and that's what I want I don't care if it's

Merlinwell we're not talking about the rise of Skywalker in the room here sorry I meant to say elephant where you do so much hand over hand fan service oh my goodness you're so raw from all the fan service and it's just this whole tour of like oh one last time with this CGI robot or whatever and you're like is there a story here or is it just how long is the treasure hunt gonna go and really Han Solo's back really and like you know what I mean and you're like that's that's deeply there's

they were, don't listen to this anybody, especially Todd, they were scurrying so hard to run the other way from the very interesting things that Rian Johnson had done. They were clearly trying to run so hard the other way, right up to the line of saying, fuck you. To like, nope, psych, no, none of that happened. Sorry, you gotta be special, you gotta be in the club. It hurt.

AlexIt hurt.

MerlinIt really hurt. Hey, don't look over there, look over here, look, it's Han Solo.

AlexNo, no, the parents are, yeah, yeah.

MerlinI really liked him in that movie in the 70s, that was great.

Speaker Abring him back bring him back did he die

Merlinyeah he's dead okay so is he a force ghost no it's just that he's he's CGI sensitive and he can just appear up here

MaxI like Kylo's red sweater very nice I haven't seen the film but I heard the compositing was good

Alexyes oh my god it was so good

Maxespecially the management

Merlinof the compositing was

Alexmm-hmm

Maxoh boy i don't know i i um yeah you guys are gonna keep watching picard right hell yeah yeah i'm gonna keep watching i mean patrick stort patrick stort is good he lifts

Merlineverything he's in my daughter is so gay bones for all things star trek right now and it's like it's all she thinks about.

MaxThat's delightful. We can't get her on to like talk about a Star Trek episode with us, can we? No, no. She's still learning English. We were so awkward.

MerlinOkay. That's La Significa de Han Solo. I don't want more.

MaxI don't want more Merlin. I want new things that make me feel how Merlin makes me feel.

MerlinI know, just because you get a suede jacket. Yeah. Yeah. Nobody looks good in a suede jacket. What are you doing, Picard? Take that off. That was in the one I was just talking about. It's called Max Intuition. integration. What's it called? What's the one I'm thinking of with Spock?

AlexUnification. Unification.

MerlinHe's got a real baller like suede jacket in that. There's a lot of shoulder pads in that show. My goodness. So many pads. Now, I feel like I saw you in a Star Trek shirt one time, Max.

Speaker AIs there a photo of you with your little communicator boy?

MaxIs there a photo of you in a shirt? I have a Star Trek hoodie. Oh yeah, I wore that to the premiere of the Star Wars movie.

MerlinOh, that must be it. what was I gonna say about Star Trek yeah no I liked it I thought it was really fun and it's got that lady that lady from the senate race is gonna be on with the face jewelry she's gonna be on and then you got the other guy the lady from what?

Maxyou know Illinois

Merlinam I right?

Maxoh yes right they teased that Jerry Ryan is back as a 7 and 9 I'm pretty excited for that

MerlinJerry Ryan is gonna be on He's in seven and nine. You got a beardy number one. Yeah. And what was the other thing about Star Trek? I forget. Star Trek. This show will never be released. Star Trek.

MaxStar Trek. Let's see. I felt I was pretty bored during all of the mystery. Like the whole story. I felt like they were. Yeah. The date of daughters part. Oh, my God. Wasn't she great, though? I love that actress. Wait.

MerlinOh, fuck. Alison Pill? Oh, no. You're thinking of Scott Pilgrim. She was good, too. No, no. No, no. What did you say? Scott, if your life was a face, I'd punch it. Yes. But no, no, the lady who plays Data's daughter, who looks like Jessie Char, that lady.

AlexAll right. I'm going to look this up because I didn't see it, obviously. Oh, of course you didn't see it. You turned it off because you want to see more of this. I do. I don't know.

MerlinIt's so confusing to me.

AlexWhy is that so? I want to watch thing in order.

MerlinYou turn it off because you want to see more of it?

AlexWhat is it? I want more like. Background? I want the smart. Yeah. I want more background. I want.

MaxSo I actually really agree that a lot. I was so consumed when I was watching the episode by going, oh, that's a reference to that. No, that's a reference to that. And it's like the camera lingering on the like Picard Day banner. And it's like, what? Like they had to like make a big show of having that thing, like from that throwaway joke from that one episode. Like I don't know. Yeah that looked like a real Toys R Us type situation. And they're like oh now they're playing the flute music and that's the flute from the flute

Merlinepisode. From when he was in the thing with the life and he had the life and learned the flute. Right. I don't know. I know. I was very

Maxdistracted. I found all that stuff distracting I thought it would have been a much braver choice for them to let go of all that stuff and have like a new story with I don't know whatever I know I know I'm grumpy I don't like everything we talk about on Dubai Friday it's stuff that I don't like but Well we should pick something you do like Yeah I don't like anything

MerlinLike magic Fill your life with laughter and love

AlexIs that a new Marie Kondo book?

Speaker AMmhmm Hey

169. The Golden Age of Huffing

Show notes

Transcript

169. The Golden Age of Huffing

Show notes

Transcript

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