168. Cliff Hickinson

AlexThis is Do By Friday, a weekly challenge podcast with Merlin Mann, Alex Cox, and Max Temkin. This week's challenge, try a new bath technology.

MerlinHello.

AlexGood morning. How are you, Merlin?

MerlinI am fine. How are you?

AlexWell, I'm looking for Max, but then I realized I could be the baddie, and maybe he's at home recording, and I should know that, obviously. So, you know, just checking in, checking in on that.

MerlinWell, QED, last episode, I didn't see anything about it in the Super Secret Text channel, so I'm guessing you don't know. Am I right?

AlexOh, oh, really? Huh.

MerlinWell, because isn't this our new, isn't this our new, this is no. No. This is our new understanding. This is our concern, dude. What we've got is the private text channel, and that's where you two communicate. Okay, let me ask you this. He'll never hear this. What is the net, say on an annual basis, what is the net percentage of your communication with Max that occurs via the text channel versus other means?

Alexhmm is it over 50 so not in person oh it's definitely over 50 percent um okay all right

Merlinbut aren't you one of the big shots there isn't that like kind of a big deal there uh unfortunately

Alexwell hmm do do magic tricks count as an interaction because if you take those away then there's even more communication happening in the text channel i get it i get it it depends

Merlinif you want to apply what i'm going to call the who's afraid of virginia wolf rule so where we're really abuse abuse is is a form of affection and so really you know sometimes a slap is a kiss you know what i'm saying look in your ass look in your i don't want to look at my ass box look in your ass i don't know any coins i don't know i don't know who own coin who own coin why does it

Speaker Amake you angry that young people don't use what are coins you're so fucking weird holy shit you're such a weirdo it's not weird oh no go alex really you don't that did you see i i know that you mute

Alexthings but you did you see in the responses it was like a pretty 50 50 and i was upset actually to do you mean physical coins or crypto?

MerlinYeah, yeah, because you know a lot of the adults a lot of the adults who quote unquote own coins are going to take a minute to go yes, Alex, I own coins.

AlexNo, no, no, no.

MerlinThere's so much about it that's weird. Should we save it for the show or is this the show?

AlexYou know what, I think this is the show because if we talk about coins with Max magic is going to happen. So let's, sure, this is the show.

MerlinI haven't thought this through but I'm going to say there's at least four things that are so fucking weird about this. One is the idea that you said in our super secret private text channel. Can I just lightly mention what you said?

AlexPlease.

MerlinOkay. You said to Max, oh, you just bought this book by, I think, by something called Bobo. You bought a book by, was it Bobo?

AlexI think it's Bobo. I think Bobo. Yeah. Bozo.

MerlinYou bought a book by Bobo on coin magic. Fine. Okay. I guess that's not weird. You're going to learn coin magic. You know enough that coins exist that you would like to be able to do coin magic. arguably the single most significant piece of close magic that involves an object fucking everybody has. Okay, fine. You bought a book by Bobo. Bobo would teach coin. And then you go, ha, ha. And a thought occurred to you, and the way you phrased that thought was, I don't own any coins.

I don't own any coins.

AlexCorrect.

MerlinOkay. So we're up to arguably one and a half weird things. And then we get to you texting in our super secret private text channel to say, I bought Book by Bobo, but now I know a coin. So how could coin? And so, okay, that's fine. That's fine. I thought that was the end of it, and I forget what I said. But I think I said something along the lines of, Alex, you are so fucking weird. And then this is where, in my opinion, where it gets good, where you go from being a millennium to a super millennium. and this is when you decide to go to the internet and ask the internet was it a poll i believe it

was a poll yes it was a twitter poll oh okay you had a twitter poll you say hey other millennials um does anybody else here not own any coins and our response to that was jesus alex and whenever i say that on twitter that's that's you should here's how you let me do the line reading for you Jesus, Alex.

AlexThat's nicer than I hear it in my head, actually. Oh, you think it's more like, Jesus, Alex? Yes.

MerlinHow do you, do your reading, do your reading of it.

Speaker AJesus, Alex. Oh, wow.

MerlinOkay. I'll take that line reading. I say sabotage. So anyway, and then, because it's just, it's already weird. I mean, it's not weird to me. It's a new thing I'm learning that somebody like you, I guess you've never had your debit card turned down for some reason. You exclusively use cloud money. You don't have money money. You use cloud money on plastic card or watch. I do.

I use. So no on coin.

AlexOkay. Money is fake anyway. So why does it.

MerlinI'll tell my two landlords.

AlexYes. Well, I scream that to him as he installs yet another dishwasher.

MerlinPerhaps I'll put them in beads or hand stuff.

AlexWell, here's what I'll say. He only takes his fake money via a card. No check. Can't pay my landlord with a check. So I need to use.

MerlinExactly. I just. Oh, fuck me gently. There are exactly two things. The two single largest, well, per purchase transactions every month for me are the rent on the home where my family lives and the rent on my private office. And anytime, they are the only two things in this great God's green earth that I have to pay with a paper check. And why do you say paper check? because my account that I use on the internet stopped doing what they call bill pay. It used

to be you could send a check and it was so great because the money would immediately go out of your account. No worries. If you're a poor kid, this is how you spend your life. If you're a poor kid, you spend your whole life going, uh, I, however much money I have today, I will almost definitely have no money tomorrow. That's how you live every day. And, um, yeah, so that's the two. And here's the fun part for me, uh, as a, as a Gen Xer, uh, every, every attempt I have ever made to say, ah, you think you might take some form of payment that's not a paper check? Now, first of all, now, I really do sound, I sound like a compulsive gambler or something.

But I'm like, and, you know, and I'm not paying as fast as I should now because I'm going, oh, I hate this. This makes me uncomfortable. And every time I've said, you think you might want to, I don't know, take PayPal or I don't know, is there a way I could send you a cashier's check for six months at a time? because I have that, but I have that, but I might not have it tomorrow, and I want the money to go away. I want it to be gone.

AlexNo, I...

MerlinBut no, and they look at me, what, like some kind of character actor from the 40s that just embezzled from the bank.

Hey, hey, it looks like, look at this, I found this wallet. We should return it. You want to hold it? anyways uh so okay tell me the results i haven't looked at i had uh two kernel panics this morning which is fine i hadn't had that in a while so i'm way behind on the internet

Alexyou need an iMac professional don't think i haven't thought of it for for the first time i really got to push it and it was very exciting uh we bouncing something or uh doing a movie uh yeah yeah oh man final cut pro works on a real computer because right and because that's an apple

Merlinapplication it's optimized for all the cores and stuff right oh my god that must feel so good

AlexIt's very satisfying. I shouldn't do this, but I'm like, well, you are a work computer, so I need to put you to work. So I just tried. I'm like, let's pretend this is 8K. So I rendered it up to 8K just to see what would happen.

MerlinI didn't know that was a thing.

AlexIt really isn't. You basically just double the file size.

MerlinIt's like a CES demo phenomenon at this point.

AlexYeah, it's super. Oh, no, no. 8K is a real thing. I have nothing to shoot in 8K.

MerlinI mean, is it? Oh, OK. But it's not a consumer technology, right?

AlexOh, yeah. No, it is. Yeah, the red shoots in 8K. YouTube, in a lot of places, you can see it play in 8K. Yeah, no, it's...

MerlinBut it has to be a pretty... I'm sorry to take you down a rabbit hole here. But for that to be meaningful and significant and worth it, you'd have to have a very large display that you're looking at, right?

AlexIn my head, or in my mind palace, I can vaguely see a difference. but I think it's one of those things where you need to...

MerlinOn the iMac screen?

AlexOh, I'm sorry. No, no, no. Oh, I can't see the 8K on an iMac. No, no, no, no, no. But I've seen 8K on a screen, like a very large TV, like 66-inch.

MerlinI would say over 66, because on my 55, that would be lost bits. Most deaf see 4K. The difference between 720p and 4K, I can't believe in the period of like five years, 720p was how I rolled for the longest time. Because we had an improbably, our first quote-unquote HDTV, which we got in the early 2000s, was I believe it was or mid maybe 1080i. So it wasn't even 1080p. So 720p actually kind of looked better. Anyway, I got a 55. And if I'm doing an ultra 4K, ultra HD Blu-ray, it looks really, really good.

Even regular 4K, not on Apple or anywhere. I mean, like non-streamed 4K does look amazing. So you're using your, you haven't rendered an Exquisite Batman yet, but you did just for shits and giggles make an 8K a render.

AlexOh, I just wanted to see how it would render 8K footage.

MerlinOh, I do shit like this all the time. I'm constantly testing. Well, you know me and the spreadsheets. I'm constantly testing and recording everything. I mean, I'm like the subject of a Harper's essay on a sad man in a hat who writes down the price of eggs. Like, I do the craziest fucking shit.

Only some of which has been revealed. But let's just say I do have shortcuts that will take me directly to a given spreadsheet on my phone. So I can obtain some extremely specific information. I would do, I should get one. I should get, I like this. This is still, this is such an unusual computer for me because I've had this since 2015, 2016. It's a late 2015 iMac 4K. Or excuse me. Is that right? 4K?

Alex5K. 5K.

Merlin5K. 5K. And it's great. It doesn't have lightning, which just feels weird now. But this is the rarest of computers over my life. Wait, what? Well, it's got Thunderbolt 2.

AlexOh, wait. Wait.

MerlinNo, I'm sorry. Not lightning. the other one, Thunderbolt. Thunderbolt.

AlexNo, it doesn't have fucking... Sorry. It doesn't have...

MerlinIt's early USB-C. It doesn't have USB-C.

AlexHave a little bit too much fun last time. You know, alright, you want to make fun of me? Poor kid, have you ever done the swipey swipe in your bank account? Alright, I should also say, poor kid, not poor parents. Very different.

MerlinListen, I invented, I fucking invented the swipey swipe.

AlexIs my bank account still there? I invented that swipe. Exactly, exactly. You need, that's the thing. when you have cash, you're holding the cash, and you're like, okay, I have this. Someone's going to have to physically take it from me. Whereas you're like, okay, is it going to go into my bank? Are you going to go?

MerlinOh, no, none of that money, no, you say money's not real. None of your cloud dollars are real. That's just, it's like you don't own your house. You own part of a piece of paper that says you're allowed to pay for a house.

AlexThe, I don't, I don't know.

MerlinGo ahead, no, please go on.

AlexIt's very, I don't know.

MerlinSo tell me again about your case against money. What?

AlexIt's very scary. I don't like it. I want it. I would love to have more of it. But it's very... No. Where would I put cash?

MerlinOh, my God.

AlexCash makes me so nervous.

MerlinOh, is it because your landlord doesn't let you have cash?

AlexI would not. Well, he certainly won't take it as a payment.

MerlinYeah.

AlexBut I don't know.

MerlinWhere would you put it? There's lots of places. You get a fake shaving cream can. And you could get one nice way if you want some, you get a little mini stack and then you put it into a sous vide bag and you seal it. Oh. And then you write how much it is on it. And you feel like Pablo Escobar. It's really cool.

Speaker AMm. Mm.

MerlinBut I, no, it's, I don't want to talk about it too much because it makes me very anxious. But no, my relationship with money is really fraught. It's, yeah, yeah, it's, you know, I don't want to be a fake PTSD girl. But there have been like, you know, I think because of my personality, and you probably don't get this because you're not anxious, but as an anxious person, one aspect of the anxiety that I struggle with is that I carry not only extremely minor wounds for a very long time, but the anticipation of being re-wounded sort of defines.

a huge amount of my life and becomes just you know what dan told me is called the second arrow like i am i am i am lord of the second arrow hello hey buddy how's it going oh i am we'll talk about vulnerability let's do this thing i'm having a week how are you doing did you

Maxbreak the mount well no no it was broken at the time that i it was not broken oh my god

AlexWhat did you do? All right, that's another one million. Okay, did you unscrew this thing?

MerlinYou should spend more on the studio, Max.

MaxI went to pull this up to my mouth, and I went like this, and it fell down. So then I started adjusting.

MerlinLook, I'm trying to tighten it. You put a mouse in his mouth? What's happening? What is happening? What's happening?

AlexHe broke my mount. No, it was broken.

MerlinOh, the mount.

AlexYes.

MerlinI got an extreme restraints thing.

AlexHe turned the microphone in. Stop hitting it. It's so expensive. Oh, no. Oh, that's so expensive. Oh, my God. Quinn, Quinn, was this broken this morning?

MaxYes, it was broken. These aren't the mounts you're looking for.

AlexOh, well.

MaxI'm going to take it apart and fix it. I do like how they look, though. Were they expensive? No.

AlexThey were the same as the other ones. Like 30 bucks. I don't know.

MerlinAlex, can I give you three words?

Alexsubscribe and save. Oh, yeah.

MerlinJust start getting a mount a month.

AlexHere's the interesting thing. Have we considered spending more money on the studio?

MerlinYou should spend more money on the studio. I think another $50,000 should get you through the month.

AlexI'm going to throw up.

MerlinDon't do it in cash because Alex does not have coin.

AlexAlex, this is terrible. The mount is terrible?

MerlinIs the mount not working as you expected, Max?

AlexNo. I guess the mount is not working as expected. Try hitting it.

MerlinHit the mount.

AlexYeah. Hit it even harder.

MerlinIs this what you were talking about on Slack, Alex? is this where you were arguing with all the mount boys?

AlexNo, I've been trying to, like, because people in here are animals.

MerlinIsn't that what you're talking about with Marco and Jason?

AlexIs this what you're talking about? I love how Marco and Jason are like, I've never had a mount that's broken. And I'm like, just has your child ever touched your microphone?

MerlinExcuse me? They don't employ gorillas like Max does, or allow or permit or seed gorillas. They say, hey, who's got the studio at 830?

MaxMerlin, let me tell you something about our office. We are lousy with apes. This place is teeming with apes. And they come in and they get unleashed.

MerlinDo you remember, Max? You bought those nice headphone cables? My beautiful retractable iPhone cables where you go. Just gently pull them. Pull them just so gently. Just so gently.

MaxYou gently pull both sides. It goes ticka, ticka, ticka, ticka, ticka, ticka, ticka. And it gets longer. They just yank with both fists on one end. And they go, why isn't it coming out? It's not coming out.

Speaker AAnd they go, and they rip it out. Also, they poop everywhere.

MerlinTough. You had a tough week, Max? What's going on besides besides punching the mount? What's going on?

MaxWell, well, we're very we're opening this this this restaurant is is preparing to be birthed and it's just there's a lot going on. Mm hmm. no birth it's a fraud industry am i right uh i don't know why anyone would ever open a restaurant

Merlinhonestly it i think about it all the time i think about all the time i honestly i said this to roderick before like i don't understand why people open restaurants it's like first of all what like what do they say 50 uh going during six months i don't know if that's true but it strikes me as true and even then like you have to work you restart every day oh god every day it's a new it's a new

Alexbeginning dealing with people i'm gonna go vomit people people ask my family almost every day like

Maxwhy haven't you guys ever started a restaurant i know i honestly at this exact moment in time i actually don't know what we were thinking i've had i've also had like actual stress nightmares about this this particular project almost every night for like two years i mean that seems on par

Alexif you i mean i didn't have them you wouldn't well if it wasn't we weren't doing the board game cafe

MaxI'd be probably having stress nightmares about something. It's not like I started having stress nightmares as a result of this, but I'd be dreaming about that I forgot to study for a class.

MerlinThat's the nice thing about anxieties, Max. It's kind of like an endless tub of baby wipes. When you pull one up, well, you pull one up and you think, got that, and you go, oh, looks like another one came up. Get rid of that one. Eventually, I'll die. Yes, you will. I have stress dreams constantly, but the only ones that I have consistently had over time, you know, in the same way that a lot of people talk about, it's such a cliche, the school dream and the naked at school, I didn't study for the test all year or whatever. But for me, all my stress dreams, mostly that involve work, are about working in a restaurant,

which I've done many times. Yeah. So it started out as when I first got a job in a restaurant, which is a very funny story. my dreams were about my house being in sort of like an immigrant apartment over the restaurant that I worked at and every time I bussed, it was like a Hydra every time I would bussed a table, like two more would get dirty and it was kind of like a Fantasia type situation and there's other ones that are just like involve some kind of logically

implausible premise and then a logically implausible non-solution It's hard. It's very hard to run a restaurant.

MaxMy primary recurring stress nightmare throughout my entire life has been that I have either a huge paper project final, just some indiscriminate sort of work product that needs to be done for a college class, and that it's not that I didn't study for it, but it's that I didn't realize that I was enrolled in the class, or it's like I hadn't, it's almost like, oh shit, you needed to have been doing this and I need, and it's specifically that I need that to graduate and then part of the nightmare is that I have to like,

sometimes I have to go back and start over and I will have these, I've had these very vivid scenarios play out where I'm like my age, I'm like 33, but I'm in high school again and I'm just fucking going through the motions, waking up at my parents' house and I'm just so miserable, like counting down the days like you know we're having to get up in the morning remember having

Alexto get up at like six in the morning well 5 a.m if you're a newspaper yeah our first our first bell

Maxin high school was 7 15 i had a couple times what happened was something i'd wake up and i'd be like oh my god like i cannot believe i have to get out of bed you know in chicago it's like i well i don't know here it's it gets really dark in the morning like before you wake up right so it's dark and it's cold i'm like what the fuck like i can't believe i have to be up now and i would go shower get all my shit together i'd get dressed i'd go down in the kitchen i'd be like making breakfast and i'd be like and i'd be like where is everyone i guess everyone's like sleeping in today and then my mom would come down and be like it is 3 30 a.m in the morning why are you awake right now

oh my god oh that sucks because i had no you know you just wake up and you're like yeah i guess it's probably time to go yeah that happened a few times well it might as well that's the thing though

MerlinThat's the irony. It might as well be three. Or it might as well be six. It might as well be ten. You never wake up and go, hey, I'm ready to take on the day.

MaxAlex, do you have work-related stress dreams?

AlexOh, yeah. About this work? Yes. My most common stress dream is being, I know, right, is definitely being tied down in a hospital, but often it's like I am being kidnapped from the office. Is that because there's a cat sitting on you? Wow. Yeah, that's my new game.

MerlinOh. Oh, no. One of my stress dreams. Wait, we didn't hear Alex's. Oh, I'm sorry. I thought it was being tied down in a hospital.

AlexNo, we didn't. I mean, mine's are just being sad. Your Merlin man's pointing right over Alex. Mine are scary and dark. They're not cute. They're just very sad and upsetting.

MaxI want to specifically know your work-related stress dream.

Alexum that i that you guys have taken away health insurance um that that's that's the number one one oh come on really yes do you really dream that yes literally well and that it goes with the hospital one of also i'm being tied down in the hospital and then through the glass someone's pointing at me and they're like i just know that they're saying oh god they don't have health insurance like that is oh god my like it is that's the one thing that reoccurs across all my

Maxis this based on like uh do you have a rational fear of this that i'm going to be like alex these cables are not organized correctly i'm taking away your health insurance the the well i don't

Alexat will employment i don't know i don't know how laws work that's that is like the by far the like like my health insurance uh gets taken away if i have not studied for a test in math class um and then suddenly trin shows up and is like i hate you you've disappointed me like it's not and then two male nurses come by and then tie me up in a closet. Like, they're very dark and terrible.

MerlinI have that dream too, but it's not stressful.

AlexIt's very relaxing. If they're ladies, it's

Merlinvery different. Okay, let's go to the archives. Here's one from this is, oh, this is New Year's Eve. Yes! Here we go, ready? For me, sir. Saw four or three famous people. Max's house, apartment building in San Francisco.

MaxMe? My house? Yeah, yeah. I'm in your dreams?

MerlinYeah.

MaxI'm in your dreams, bitch.

MerlinYou and Cliff Hickinson. Ask me who Cliff Hickinson is. Who's Cliff Hickinson? No fucking idea.

But San Francisco was in a flat suburb of Los Angeles and Las Vegas. the next line just says cliff hickinson lady from the moist water bottle controversy eagle nest a famous technology man in the elevator with a vest max apartment was on second floor accidentally went much higher gate by the pool outside max apartment building is taylor swift there at the end of this very long dream saw max again outside apartment building confirmed names of who i saw this is where cliff hickinson came up he was about to travel and do a talk about

magic trick videos. He said he asked people in the Discord about Cliff Hickinson. So that's one. Let's see. Oh, this is one just from a little week ago. Cliff Hickinson. Cliff Hickinson. Staplers.

Staplers and executive tabs. Tab systems. I understand staplers, but tabs are the important house. Grandparents' house, but a swamp Shack. Extra door. Extra door in the back. No one ever saw and no one believed me. Clean it out. The furniture is hollow. Looked nice when we were done. So many guns in the outside cabinet. And then 47 handguns. Sun came up and there was briefly a clothesline. Appears like a rainbow.

Who do you think Cliff Hickinson is? I think he's a guy in his 50s who is very prominent in some field. And his name rings a bell.

MaxIs Cliff Hickinson, is he prominent in a real field like microbiology or a bullshit field like video games or magic?

MerlinNo. I mean, if I do the Snap to Grid for Cliff Hickinson, I think he might have been an actor in the 60s or 50s.

MaxOh, that's interesting. I think he's wearing a nice...

MerlinMaybe like a guy who does a comedic turn on Love Boat late in life. I feel like he's wearing a nice collared shirt. Yeah, but I mean, like everybody, his ties got narrower and his hair got a little longer. Cliff Hickinson.

Was Taylor Swift there?

MaxWell, I'm glad that Cliff Hickinson in your dream was hanging out in my apartment on the second floor.

MerlinLady from the moist water bottle controversy.

AlexOkay, really though, the moist water bottle, that does actually ring a bell. Is that a thing? Was there a controversy with the moist water bottle? It's like prez and I

MerlinHow's the song go? Prez and I You know that song That's the Italian guy? Prez and Colin and Sinan Chuzel So he invented this fake way Of an Italian person hears that song And they think it sounds like an American person Talking Do you know the song Alex? Prez and Colin and Sinan Chuzel

AlexCan you play it? Please play it. I'm ready to find it.

MerlinThe guy's name is... I think his last name is Catano. That's so early. It's one word. P-R-I-S-E-N. I'll find it for you. Get ready though. It is a fucking earworm. Yeah. Adriano Celentano. Alex, I know you don't own coins. this was considered this was considered entertaining in the 70s. Check that out.

MaxIs that your dad? No.

MerlinJohn Hodgman.

MaxNo, neither.

MerlinCliff Hickinson?

MaxWho is that? That's Cliff Hickinson.

AlexThat's Cliff. Oh, no.

MaxHoly shit, that's Cliff Hickinson. Is that Cliff Hickinson? That is. I mean, I Google image searched him.

AlexOh. You know what came up for me with Cliff Hickinson? Can you send this long, Merlin? I'm not finding it.

MerlinYeah, I just sent it. It looks like if John Hodgman and James Urbaniak had a very tall baby.

MaxI switched my internet. I had so many internet woes. I spent a couple weeks ago maybe 11 hours on the phone with Comcast trying to solve various internet problems. And then they would make changes and that would create more problems. And they kept... It was... I'm sure I'm sort of preaching to the converted here, but it was just such a fucking nightmare because every time I needed help with something which was constantly because nothing was working, there's no, like, you're starting from zero every time and you're fucking waiting on hold

and you have to go through the little voice. It's just like, put your zip code in, hit the hash sign, type in your account number.

MerlinYeah, and there's no continuity of care. Like, a lot of places that are really good at that, like, they pull up your file and go, oh, yeah, I see you spoke with, you know, Marjorie earlier today.

MaxThe thing that started to drive me out of my fucking gourd was that I would go through the little robot, and you'd be like, and they'd say your zip code, and you'd be like, one, two, three, four, five. And they'd be like, did you say seven, nine, three, two, seven? You're like, no! And you're going through the robot, and you're like, technical support! Technical support! and you're mashing zero and you finally fuck fuck fuck you answer all their operator fuck yeah you answer all their questions and you negotiate with the robot and you give it logic puzzles so that it short circuits

and then and then it puts you through to the operator and the operator goes uh hi who am I speaking to and I go this is Max and they go Max could you please tell me your zip code and I'm like what

Merlinwhat did I just do right that was it was like it was it was like you know the big signs they put around nuclear waste like don't go here

Maxnothing good ever happened here and you're like... One of the very nice Indian ladies who came on to ask me to power cycle my modem, even though I knew that wouldn't help, she came on and she was like, could you please tell me your account number? And I was like, let me ask you something. I was like, I was just on hold for 20 minutes and I repeatedly keyed in my account number. They asked me and I looked it up and I told the robot my account number and I hit the pound sign. And let me ask you, does that come up on your computer screen? Like, what did I do that for? Yeah, like, where does that go? Yeah, and she goes,

Sir, I don't know why you're irritated with me. I'm just trying to help. And I was like, you're the 20th person I'm talking to. You know what? Moderator Matt from the Discord was at my house. We were hanging out.

Speaker AIt's their jobs.

MaxWhat?

Speaker ATo be.

MaxBut I'm just saying Matt can confirm how insane.

Speaker AIt is insane.

MaxIt was horrible. It's absolutely insane. Anyway, the end of the story is I got so fed up with them, I switched to AT&T. So I have AT&T fiber at my house now. And I've been dealing with the AT&T people.

And I have AT&T business now at my house. And the AT&T people said, I was going through all the sales and stuff. And the guy on the phone was like, he goes, what's your off-site disaster recovery plan? And I was like, excuse me?

MerlinAnd he's like. Mine is be dead. Yeah.

MaxYeah, and he goes, in the event of a catastrophe where all of your on-site equipment is destroyed, what would you do? And I was like, well, I guess the staff would figure it out. And he goes, well, let's say that your staff all perishes in the disaster and all of your data is lost.

AlexIs this a real question or a party game?

MaxIs this a party game?

AlexNow you're not just dead, but all of your employees are lost.

MaxYeah, basically, that's what they were like. They were like, what if your staff all dies and your office burns down and you lose all your computers? He's like, what's your plan in that scenario? And I was like, I don't know. I was like, I would probably kill myself, but I haven't really thought too much about it. But yeah, probably I'd kill myself.

MerlinWas it in the service of selling you?

MaxYeah, yeah. They were trying to sell me like offsite backup. I think maybe he's just lonely. They're trying to sell you back plays. They were trying to sell me, yeah. they were trying to sell me backflays but without any encryption where i assume it's just i assume that who's backing up my dad in that scenario is just the nsa but uh yeah i don't think they've ever gotten that answer before because he's like what would you he's like what would you do then what if everyone died and your your server burned down i'd be like i haven't really made a plan

Merlinprobably i'd kill myself and he was like mr mr temkin uh thank you very much uh we want to get you fixed up as soon as possible. Has it ever occurred to you that we might be living in the fingernail of a giant?

Mr. Temkin, thank you so much. That checks out with your social security number. Fuck, marry, kill. Gilligan's Island. Mr. Temkin, has it ever occurred to you that the green that you see is different than the green that I see?

Mr. Temkin, I'm so into your hair

Maxright now. Who am I speaking to right now?

MerlinWho am I speaking to?

MaxOh, hi. This is Beth. Thank you. Thank you for calling service of customer. Hi, Beth. Thank you so much for calling AT&T. This call may be monitored for quality assurance purposes. May I please have your zip code? I just entered it a minute ago, and it said that- Beth, have you ever really looked at your hands? I mean, really looked at them.

AlexAll right. We're going to listen to this song now, because we've pulled it up. Do the cold, maids, stay warm, freezing, call the 992's off.

Speaker AAll right.

MaxDo you get the bit, Alex, of what's happening here?

AlexThey think the children think it's Italian and the Italian children think it's English.

MaxIt's a fake English song. This is what they think English sounds like. This is what they think American people sound like.

AlexDid I? I just...

MerlinAlso, he kind of invented rap. I kind of like this song. Oh, I absolutely fucking love this song. As long as you reject everything black people ever did, it's definitely the first rap song. It's a crap song.

Speaker AIt's so good.

MerlinWait till the lady comes in.

Speaker AAll right, skip to the lady.

AlexShe's coming up.

MerlinIt's the lady. Yep. It's coming.

AlexYep, yep.

Speaker AEye, eye, eye, slam, and any good stuff, go with finger. Eye, eye, eye, slam.

AlexThat's enough. That's enough.

MaxI fucking love that.

AlexI love the video. You undo it, and then you're able to swivel. It makes it easier to swivel.

MaxBut I'm telling you, mine is fully tightened, and whatever. And it's hanging. It's loose like a wizard's sleeve.

MerlinWhen you call Apple, what music do you pick? Do you pick music or silence?

AlexYou can pick? What?

MerlinOh, wow. Oh, wow. Oh, I guess your privilege got delivered. You never have to call Apple?

AlexNo, I've never gotten a choice.

MerlinHoly shit, I call Apple like twice or three times a month.

MaxAlex has one of her employees have one of their interns hire a task for her to go to Apple.

AlexI literally do not. Once a year I have an intern.

MaxIt's an old lady who ate a fly type situation. Yeah. Okay.

AlexBut really, what is the question?

MaxOh, my God. That's our whole company is an old lady who swallowed a fly.

Speaker AWe need to make the money to buy the mounts to start the restaurant. Talk about a stress dream.

MaxBecause I'm always like, Jen, can we get these boxes moved from out of the door? And then Jen gives it to one of her people. And one of her people tells an intern to do it. And the intern goes on Craigslist. And then the Craigslist person. That's just efficiency. That's efficient time management. The Craigslist person goes to Home Depot and gets one of the day laborers.

Speaker ABuenas dias, senor Max. Buenas dias.

MerlinOh, shit. Um, let's see. Yeah, my wife's screen shattered less than two months after it went out of AppleCare+.

AlexBut what is that question? I have called Apple, but I've never gotten, would you like to listen to music or have silence? The correct answer is silence.

MerlinWell, we find a customer, take a call, you have your choice of music. Oh, weird. If you'd like to listen to, let's see, if you'd like to listen to modern pop hits, press one. No. If you'd like to listen to classical, press two. If you'd like to hear jazz, press three. and then I think silence is for or maybe like something like fuck core or something I don't know yeah no I picked classical it was Debussy it's always Debussy it's always Claire de Lune do you think they'd be mad if I

Alexcalled I just wanted to see

Merlinit's also fun though speaking of the old lady and her flies it's also fun that I have to play the blocking game because Apple of course is all Apple numbers are blocked because why?

AlexOh.

MerlinSpoofing, spoofing, spoofing.

AlexOh, really?

MerlinDo you guys ever get weird Chinese spam calls?

AlexYes, but most of them are caught by RoboKiller, and they have never been a Chinese voice.

MaxRoboKiller is the one that I'm using, and I have to say it is shockingly effective, and I think that's a Marco app. I think that's where I heard about it.

MerlinI got one that's somewhere between a Brian Eno composition, a Markov chain generator, and like an ad hoc restroom sign. And I want to find it for you because it's so good.

Speaker AOh, no, no, no, no.

MerlinI know. Oh, fuck. I can't find it. What if I still have it? I really want you to hear it. You guys talk for a minute.

Alexno no i i'm enjoying this please continue continue all right let's go through merlin's

Merlinlet's go through okay here let's go through merlin's voicemail and see if we can find i want to hear all the voicemail all right let's see what we got oh this one's good 33 minutes calling you back in order on your amazon order okay that's a real one um let's see you get a lot of voicemail huh oh do not call this press two now uh i did um let's see

Speaker Aoh what's this one if you wish to receive another reminder hang up and we will contact you in the

Merlinokay all right i get a lot of very very high quality voicemails so you're getting these calls that are just oh well well like i say i got call protect and that has helped a lot oh yeah this is a pretty good one here's one yeah okay cool we'll do we'll do oh fuck i can't find it i had i had the best one but it's just if i can find it we'll cut it in here and it's like a uh chinese lady telling me about a dhl thing

but it sounds like a stress dream. It was really bad.

AlexWait, are these still coming to your regular phone? Like they're getting through and they are still, you know, stopping everything you're doing on your phone and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah is calling.

MerlinNo, no, no, no. Oh, okay.

Speaker AJesus.

MerlinQuit edit that to be funny. I'll find the DHL call. So what I've got is I used to have four, four, four different spam blocking apps running at once. And probably John Syracuse would tell me that makes me less safe. But in any case, but still stuff would get through. And here's why. Because the way spoofing works is they spoof, you know, they call it the neighborhood spoofing. So they'll spoof a number that looks like it's definitely in your area code and maybe even in your same, you know, three number area.

You know, because that used to be meaningful. It used to be you could look at a phone number and know not just the city, but like what part of town it was. anyways um and so i really at&t call protect has brought that way way down from where it used to be but given that spoofing is literally just a random phone number that gets you know hijacked

Alexto to do this you you don't get these i mean i i guess it's much better for me since i got uh robo yeah that's that they all get called protect i want that uh oh you want that it no it's it's

MerlinBasically, hi-yah at the network level.

AlexThey told me I couldn't have it because I'm grandfathered into the original iPhone.

Speaker AYou're still on the data?

AlexStill on the data.

Speaker AOh, dude.

AlexBut they were like, we'd be happy to move you over if you want the service. And I'm like, no, thank you. So I'm still on. Really, the throttling isn't that bad. Like maybe at the end of the month, I notice. But wow, it's still going strong. I should have stressed streams about losing this. It's very nice.

MaxI think that I have that unlimited calling or data thing, but then there's been some months where I'm traveling a lot, and I'm at the point, I don't even use the hotel Wi-Fi anymore because it sketches me out. I just use LTE the whole time I'm in the hotel. And I've got...

MerlinAs soon as I arrive at any place where I have access to Wi-Fi, well, first of all, I have a VPN running all the time, but I'll immediately do a speed test of the, quote-unquote, premium Wi-Fi versus the LTE, and with a couple really specific exceptions where we're literally in the desert and didn't have coverage, it's usually maybe two orders of magnitude faster. I mean, it's been, and I'll frequently send these to Syracuse. There was one where we were in 29 Palms. It was something like two megabits down

and 18 megabits up. And I was like, what?

MaxI have a nice little, I have a thing that you're going to enjoy for your internet phone. Oh, please tell me. Go get this app called Usage Widget. Oh, okay. Usage Widget. Usage, and you put your, like, the day that your cycle restarts?

MerlinYes. Okay. You've got to get this thing. It's really, really good. Yeah, I will. Why do I want to find this so much? Anyways, you know, I'll tell you where I notice it. I've got a cellular watch, Apple Watch, and when I charge it, okay, let's be honest. I put on my old watch while that one's charging. So there is a watch currently connected to my iPhone, but it's not the one that's on the charge stand. You feeling me? And that's when, so basically I'll notice that. So I only do it for like an hour twice a day. But that's when I'll hear lots of calls on the watch

because the watch technically has a different phone number when it's not currently paired and on with a given iPhone. You know what I mean? Not actively on. it's getting calls from that other number that's associated with the watch ergo it's not being protected by the spam protection on my phone and that's when I'm like holy shit I don't know how people live like this

Speaker Adoes that make any sense you know what I'm talking about yeah oh yikes

Merlinthe whole like what's the thing they call it I think it's called something like you know air sync or something but AT&T has a name for that thing you're buying when you get that and it is so fucking janky and such a hack that pairing with your phone

Maxworks at all. Do you guys get the notices from AT&T where it's like we're throttling you because we're going to throttle you because you continue to use this much

Merlinbandwidth? I get it from Comcast on the 20th of every month.

MaxI don't get it regularly, but it's like when I have a huge travel month and I'm on LTE the whole time. It's like when I'm streaming a lot of video

Merlinbasically. One time when we were out as a family that happened and it ruined my whole trip. I was so fucking angry. I talked about it on one of the shows. It made me so goddamn angry. It was the day before the cycle flipped over and the only way that i could have more lte in a place with no wi-fi was to change my plan they would not give me any i've been with them since 2008 they did not give me any grace um or like just you know dude just we okay fine i'll stop streaming netflix in our cabin

Maxthat's fine but you're like and i was just i was so goddamn mad i got an ios topic i got an ios topic yes i think i'm i think i'm getting emotionally to the place where i might um i might switch over to an ipad for everything except my desk at home i might i might get like that same computer that alex has the imac pro because i i think i've damaged my your laptop is supremely broken yeah so basically i have a 2019 macbook pro i have a really really nice

MacBook Pro and it is tons of problems with it. And I think what happens is that I run it in clamshell mode like all the time and Alex thinks it baked itself like a lasagna.

AlexSelf-baking lasagna. I thought I was crazy but I'm pretty sure ATP or someone talked about that recently and it is

Merlina thing. Yeah, because Casey runs that way,

Alexright? No, he got an iMac Pro. No, now we all are cool.

MerlinNo, sorry, Syracuse is the one that runs like that at work, right?

AlexYeah, he has to at work. But I don't even know what Pearl is most days. Like, that's not a huge hog. I mean, I'm sure he has a huge hog. They call it legacy language.

MerlinNobody really uses it anymore.

AlexYeah, yeah.

MerlinGet a horse.

AlexLike, I had a really old laptop that the screen got all wonky and the CPU fried itself. But I don't know.

MerlinI want to talk about this, Max. I would like to try and talk you out of it. I would like to try and talk you out. Oh, you think it's bad?

MaxYou think it's not good? Because I realized... I might be misunderstanding. I'm texting. So I had a business trip just like last week, and I went to this crazy wild animal preserve, and I brought my Mac because I was like, I'm going to be working, and I have to design stuff, and I don't know. You know what? I used my iPad the whole time because it was so much easier to deal with, and it has a radio antenna in it.

AlexJust get a 16-inch MacBook Pro, pack it in your suitcase,

Maxand I don't want to carry it around.

Alexwell why will you carry it around? you're not going to notice it when you're in I have a small suitcase, I can't fit it in there the, you can I don't want to travel with it did you go back to the tiny suitcase you can sit on, the zook, zook, zookery

MerlinI have this, zook, zook, zookery that's the Phil Collins song I say the word

Speaker Azook, zook, zookery oh boy I

Alexyou're going to get an iMac Pro, which is a wonderful computer, and then you're going to find... Where is that thing, by the way? It's on my desk.

MaxI couldn't see it in the mountain of garbage

Alexthat's covering your desk. Oh my gosh. Have you seen my desk today? No. It's beautiful.

MaxAlex, are you a sloppy girl?

Speaker AWell, here's the thing.

MaxAlex is a notably messy area. Just every square inch of space covered with boxes for things.

Alexit's a disaster. It is. It is a complete disaster.

MaxAll I'm saying is if you want to keep that health insurance, you should probably clean your desk.

MerlinAlso, you were enrolled in a master's program and didn't know, and your thesis is due last week. I know. Sucks.

AlexI still don't have any coins. Except a single challenge coin. Someone called me out, and I do indeed.

MerlinNo, no, no, no. A normal person says I don't have any coins, Alex. You don't own any coins.

AlexI don't own any coins. Oh, was that part of the weird thing too?

MerlinDon't you have? It's just the entire thing is weird.

AlexI didn't know that was part of the weirdness. I didn't know that was part of the weirdness.

MaxWhy are you trying to talk me out? Wait, I want to go back to talking about my iPad setup. Why is it a bad idea?

AlexYou're skeptical? Go ahead, Merlin.

MerlinWell, I mean, okay. So to me, I'll jump straight to the advice suggestion. Yes. Which is buy a nice over-rammed 16-inch today. and when they put up the 13-inch, sell that or give it to a loved one because it's a really fucking good computer.

MaxWhen they do then upgrade the 13-inch?

MerlinYeah, but what I'm saying is buy the one I bought. Buy the 16-inch today and then when the 13-inch comes out, sell that one or repurpose it.

MaxI just bought the, you know, whatever. I don't know, what is it, the 15-inch?

MerlinSo instead of buying the thing you need, you want to buy a different thing that won't do what you need?

MaxBut it's like I baked it. I baked it, Jerry. Baked it.

AlexIs it? Baked it, Jerry.

MaxBaked.

AlexYou have many gremlins you could send to the Apple store. I don't want to spend. I just spent the money on this laptop. But then you're going to sell it. Then you're going to buy an iPad Pro?

MaxWhat are you talking about? No, I already own an iPad Pro.

AlexBut then you're going to get an iMac Pro? What's happening?

MerlinWhat's the question? There's no decision here. Just use it. What's happening? What's happening? I don't know. The main question is, do you decide to mentally and emotionally switch to an iPad and then stop using a Mac mostly?

MaxWell, no. So basically what I would do is get out of the laptop lifestyle and put a desktop computer at my desk like Alex has done. And then any time that I'm not at my desk, I would just have an iPad available. Yeah, you're fine. That would work. Yeah.

MerlinI want an iMac Pro. I want one too. I wish I was as lovable as Alex.

MaxI want to use a big external monitor and not have... I think the laptop, I think it cooks it.

MerlinThe laptop cooks it? Oh, because of the baking, like lasagna.

MaxI think it's baking it.

MerlinWhen you run it closed all the time

Maxand it's hooked up to a monitor, I think it's bad for it.

MerlinWell, I cannot speak to that except through speculation. I know for sure that used to be the case. It was like, you know, you could feel... I used to do that sometimes with my 17-inch PowerBook, which you could make a family-sized shopping mall pizza on. It was very, very large. But yeah, that thing would get pretty, pretty warm.

MaxDo you guys have good app suggestions for sketching and taking notes and that kind of a thing? Do you use your iPad for that? Alex, you bring your iPad to meetings.

AlexYeah, and I type on it. Oh, you do text notes? Yeah. I mean, well, that's the thing. Sometimes I go to meetings and write on it because I have to because it looks less rude because everyone else is writing on a piece of paper. But then I just use the notes app and like transcribe them later. Or, well, if you really want to, you can like get the OCR data from notes now. But it's a whole like you have to hack it with shortcuts and it's a pain in the ass. So Nebo is cool, though.

MerlinOkay, I'm going to propose a thought experiment or a thought technology that may make this easier for you to decide. This is not funny. But do you have the keyboard cover, whatever the fuck it's called, Folio or whatever? Do you have that?

MaxOh, I have the, no, I have the Apple one. I like the Apple one.

MerlinOkay, so here's what I feel like it comes down to is, here's an experiment for you. Make yourself use nothing but the iPad with whatever the fuck the cover is called. What's it called?

AlexIt's a smart keyboard cover.

MerlinSmart folio, smart cover? No, not...

AlexOkay.

MerlinWhere do I get folio from? The thing is, if you can tolerate that...

AlexThe other one is the folio. There's no smart...

MerlinThat's the shittiest part, because I hate that. I hate typing on that so much. And so, if I do, I've got a bunch of really, really good Bluetooth keyboards, but now I'm carrying around an iPad and a keyboard.

AlexOh, I love this keyboard.

MerlinI quite enjoy the little foldy Apple keyboard.

Speaker AOkay, well, then you're set.

MerlinWhy are we having the conversation? I don't know. Also, get a Logitech MX Master mouse and turn on the accessibility.

Speaker AOh, my God. Right?

MerlinIt's so fucking baller.

MaxHoly shit. Yeah. I love it so much. What other question? Can you plug the iPad Pro into a screen?

AlexYes, but not any that you own right now because you have the LG 5K. Okay. You need the 4K version. Do we have one in the office? I don't. Maybe a lot of the Blackpacks people do. Can't you use the multimedia Fatboy Dingus? No, not to power the 5K.

MerlinOh, like a monitor, McMonitor. All right, all right, all right.

AlexYeah.

MaxWhat does it do when you connect the iPad to a screen?

AlexWhat does it do? It just mirrors it. That's all it does. Oh, so it's just. Yeah.

MaxYou still interact with the iPad screen, but it's just mirrored bigger on the computer screen. Great. It's like writing on two legal pads at once.

AlexWell, no. What I do is I just put it. Well, at home, I have this shitty old monitor that is still twice as big as an iPad screen, and I just put the iPad on the floor, and the HDMI runs up to it. And I use a Bluetooth keyboard and a mouse and that's how I use the iPad.

MaxAll right.

AlexYeah, it's the mouse isn't as ugly like the, or whatever the cursor circle thingy is. I don't know. People, it's not that ugly. It doesn't look that weird.

MerlinWell, I mean, it's, here's a funny thing. I mean, most of us have had the experience at some point of, in my case, my kid does this all the time, but where I'm using my computer and I tap the menu bar to go to the top of the page on my Mac.

AlexYeah.

MerlinRight? Yes. Which isn't going to work because it's not an iPad. But, you know, that's a gesture I use constantly on iOS is clicking in the top to get to the top of the whatever I'm looking at. But another funny thing was the first time that I was using, I want to say the one generation ago Bridge Keyboard or maybe one of my, oh, you know what it was? I got the Jason Snell setup where I had a really, I had a, I even had, I think it was a DOS or whatever that clicky mechanical Bluetooth keyboard is that's overpriced.

AlexThe Wasti or whatever?

MerlinNo, I don't think it's that. It's, but no, it's one. Somebody was just selling one on my Twitter. The other one is I got that mount that looks a little like an iMac, an old iMac. So anyway, you put it into this mount so that it's like, I sent you photos of this. Like when my kid and I were painting, we were hanging out that one time. I sent you a photo of this setup. So anyways, and the amazing moment there was I'm typing, typing, typing, doing my thing. And my right index finger goes to look for a touchpad. And I was like, oh, that's an interesting sign.

MaxWhat the fuck? Did you guys see this tweet that Kevin just sent us? It's from the Twitter account at Mr. Peanut. It's verified. It says the estate of Mr. Peanut. And it says, it is with heavy hearts that we confirm that Mr. Peanut has died at 104. in the ultimate selfless act he sacrificed himself to save his friends when they needed him the most please pay your respects with hashtag R.I. Peanut

Alexthere's a tear

Merlinthere's a tear coming from the monocle because monocle make tears

Speaker Ais this an Epstein thing? what is going on?

Merlinoh man you know what I bet it was? I bet it was a peanut allergy

AlexI don't know they're trying to viral advertise me it's a I already understand

MerlinThey're sunsetting the character, probably.

MaxNo, I already get it. It's part of their Super Bowl ad campaign.

AlexOh, the big game? Yeah.

MaxHe'll be back.

AlexHe'll be back.

MerlinOh, like for three days, he'll be gone and roll away the stone. Yeah, it turns out it's a different universe. Oh, Joseph of Arimathea.

MaxYeah, it's an X-Men situation.

MerlinOh, absolutely. Oh, I see what you're saying. Crisis on Infinite Peanuts.

MaxGot it. Got it.

MerlinGot it.

MaxOkay. Do you guys know the Cohn's tweet about Mr. Peanut at Skull Mandible? It's one of the greatest tweets. Is there anything more capitalist than a peanut with a top hat, cane, and monocle telling you other peanuts to eat? Oh, yeah.

It's so perfect. It's perfect. Did you guys watch any of the impeachment hearing last night?

AlexYeah, but then I got too sad and watched an episode of Criminal Minds, And then it made me even sadder and I went to bed. How about you, Merle?

MerlinNo comment.

AlexOh, okay. All right.

MerlinBecause if I have a comment, you know what I'm going to say. And you know if I say what I want to say, I'm going to get in a butt ton of trouble.

AlexI truly don't.

MerlinWhat do you want to say? Say it. Pop off. No. Go off, King.

AlexOkay.

MerlinI'd like to see some... Some of the managers are stronger readers than others.

Speaker AWe all know that. It's okay. We all muted it.

MerlinAre you seeing the people get ripped on Twitter for even mentioning this? No thank you. Hard pass.

MaxWell, I am not on Twitter, so these people can't hurt me anymore.

MerlinWell, that's like saying you're going to deal with bill collectors by getting rid of your phone. That doesn't make sense. They're still out there.

Speaker AHe's still there. Mischief managed.

MaxIt's not, though, because I don't. They have no power in this realm. They don't know my true name. They only know my handle.

See, they only know... Those people don't know my true name because they only know Max Temkin.

MerlinYou should pop back up as like WizardCock72 or something. Just come back up on a new account.

MaxThey only know at Max Temkin. They don't know Cliff Dickinson. Dickinson. Mmm.

Speaker AHa ha ha ha ha ha!

MaxTake a, take a, take a, take a, take a, take a challenge.

Speaker AChallenge! Challenge!

MaxOh, boy. The Democrats, they sent out their dumbest, sleepiest people. They made these long, rambling speeches, and they sounded, they were all, every Democrat that went out there was just a sleepy freak. and I was like

Merlinthese presentations should be 10 minutes long why is there so much for developers in this developer keynote the republicans went out

Maxfolks I hate to say it they argued so well they were so fun to listen to

Speaker Awe love them

Alexthey spent so much time on catalyst the republicans came out

Maxthe republicans came out and they were like listen they're telling you themselves They can't prove the case. They don't have the documents. We're wasting our time. Let's go, people. And then the Democrats would come out and they'd send their sleepiest.

Speaker AWhat are you talking about? You got this exactly wrong.

MerlinWhat the fuck? No, the Republicans came out and went booga, booga, booga. Oh, look, ice cream truck.

AlexIt was like, look over there. Look over there.

MaxIf you're not listening too carefully to like the actual substance of what's being said, which most people are not capable of doing, I thought the Republicans were confident and succinct and they sounded engaging and they just were more yeah that whole thing about obama was really compelling and and then the democrats would come out i was watching them argue but the black man did it too and they did it too and then they come up in there in six different ways they how they explain how what you're saying is factually not true i thought you had this absolute parade

of like sleepy freaks come out for the democrats and just slowly bore me into submission and i was They're talking about it was actually, but it was actually Mr. Putin's scheme all along. And I was like, what?

MerlinYou did not watch this. You did not watch this.

MaxI did. I watched it for like five hours last night. And I was bored out of my skull. I didn't understand a fucking word of what the Democrats were saying.

MerlinYeah. They should write it down phonetically so it's not so hard to read.

AlexDigga, digga, digga, digga, digga, digga, digga, digga, digga, digga, challenge. Challenge. Merlin, it was your challenge this week, I think.

MerlinHuh?

AlexWas it?

MaxI think it was Max's challenge. Max is a big bath boy.

AlexThe challenge was to use

MaxA new bath technology Pimp your bath You know I thought a lot I have a lot of You know the thing It's the Roderick thing right Where he's like the friend was like Think of me every time you use a water fountain And I think of John Roderick Because he one time said that he eats a meatball sub in the bathtub

MerlinOh yeah And a crossword and coffee And he's got it all in there And then he's got a system for keeping the water hot for hours

MaxThe thought of eating anything in the bathtub is very, very upsetting to me. But there's something especially. You ever had shower bacon? Especially about the meatball salad.

In college, I would sometimes have a shower apple. I have had a shower apple before. That sounds like a euphemism. No.

MerlinOh, man. This chick was so drunk and I totally gave her a shower apple.

Maxsometimes you have a shower you've had a shower

Merlinyou've had a shower beer right that's the canonical one that's the normie yeah shower beer yeah I had a pilsner in the shower I'm pretty crazy I had a shower apple

Maxnever have I ever had a shower apple

Merlina shower apple is nice it's not sliced you eat it whole like a block of cheese

Maxit was cold and crisp it's nice if you take it out of the refrigerator the thought of eating a meatball sub in the bath is just so, I don't know why, but it just pushes my buttons. It's so upsetting. But you know what? The one thing that I'll have is a tea, but not with anything. Once you put sugar or anything in it, now it becomes a food.

MerlinBut if it's just a tea. So what I'm trying to explore here, and I hate to ask this directly, is that you seem to have a lot of concerns in life about what I'm going to generally call cross-contamination. Yes. You think about that, right? Oh, sure. That we're only really one unintentional link away from a good thing and a horrible thing. Touching.

MaxAnd then that, yeah. Think about this. If what you're eating spills in the bath, how upsetting would it be to be bathing in it, right? And if the meatball sub falls in the bath, it would be very gross because you have to fish it out of the bath. Does anybody hear it? Yeah. It would be wet. You'd have to fish it out. And now you're sitting in the bath of a meatball sub, which is not appealing to me.

MerlinWell, no. Now you're food.

MaxIf I spilled a little.

MerlinYou're food. Once food enters hot water and you're in it, now you are food.

MaxIf you spilled a little chamomile tea in the bath, it wouldn't bother me. I'd be at peace with it. You'd pee in the bath? No! Okay. But you could spill a little chamomile tea. That's not bad. That doesn't bother me. But if you had sugar or flavorings or something in the chamomile tea and you spilled that in the bath, now it's no good. Now it's sticky. Now it's food.

MerlinYeah. My shrink and I talked about this for probably 20 minutes last Friday. And we're just talking about the whole like, yeah, some people do get a little crazy and OCD. But then you're also like, when I see people walking down the steps to go into BART or Muni, and they touch that handrail. And you know what I mean? The way you touch a handrail, as you do with steps, right? And they put the palm, in the classic style, they put the palm of their hand on the railing as you walk down the steps into the BART station.

So you just basically deliberately ground your hand into 80 feet of San Francisco. Now that's on you now. That's on you now. And then you get on there, and then you're going to grab that pole, you know? And then, so then what do you do? You're going to get yourself a treat. You're going to go to McDonald's. You're going to, maybe you put some salt in the bag with French fries, you shake it up, you put it on. And then what do you do? You eat those one at a time with your hands. People do that. There are people who do that. There are people, it never occurs to them to wash their hands after they, as I say to my daughter, go wash your hands.

You're covered in San Francisco.

Speaker AAh!

MerlinOh boy. We talked about Dyson dryers.

MaxI think a lot about it at a convention. I generally do not shake people's hands I do the like elbow touch which is at least at the gaming conventions that's kind of an accepted convention

Alexso fucking stupid

Maxwell I don't want to touch everyone's hands

Alexno you don't have to bump elbows with people people are like oh you don't hug want to bump elbows yes you do yes you do Alex bought you have to

Merlinand here's the funny thing is you tell them I don't want to shake your hands I just touch my ass or something like you come up with you're the one with the cover story it's like a long con and you say to them oh sorry I was just expressing my dog's glands. I'm just going to give you the elbow.

AlexOh, yeah, no. Six months of hand, like having to have my hand bandaged, I realized how happy I was not to make up lies how to not shake people's hands. It was great.

MerlinOh, interesting. Was that on your right hand?

AlexYeah, yeah. It was great. I'd be like, oh, sorry. And then we'd just go about our business and be totally fine and normal. You don't need to touch each other to start a...

MerlinYou don't pee in the bath at all?

AlexWho? No. Why? Why?

MerlinNo one pees in the bath, Merlin.

MaxSo what did you guys get? What kind of technologies did you guys get? Oh, wait a minute. Let me finish my anecdote. Sorry. Sometimes I will go to enormous lengths not to touch people's hands, but then you see your friend and you shake their hand. And if your friend has touched other people's hands, you're like, great, now I touched everyone. I think about that all the time. It's like, you're not touching anyone, you're not touching anyone, and then you see John Roderick. You shake John Roderick's hand, and you're like, now I shook everyone's hand who shook John Roderick's

MerlinEvery time you shake somebody's hand, I want you to think of a water fountain. Oh, God.

MaxAll right. Well, I got... So I have the following bath technology that I have deployed. I got a bath shelf. And this is like an extending wooden thing that sits on the lip of the bath hub. And it's got a little area for a drink holder. You can put your hot chamomile tea on it. I got a drink holder, too. It's got a little metal bar that flips up. And you can balance your iPad on it. So when you start to fall asleep, the iPad doesn't... precarious. Hang on, hang on, hang on.

MerlinYou will have an iPad in the bathtub, but not a meatball sub. Correct. Okay, cool. But you don't pee in there at all, right? Oh my god! No one's peeing in the bathtub.

AlexAlright, alright. To pee in the bathtub...

MerlinDo you wash your legs?

AlexYou got some... No, I'm not a wash my

Maxlegs person. Do you pee on your legs? You ever shit on your balls? Alex, do you wash... No, I'm not one of those pigs with the huge balls. Oh boy. You know the pig that we all know and love? I'm gonna send it to you guys just in case. No. Alex, do you wash your legs?

AlexWell, funny you ask that. You can hear about that story in the newest episode of Two Headed Girl. Go to twoheadegirlfm.com. Yeah. So no further comment on that.

MerlinNo, I stepped on that. Do that all the way, please. Hey, may I wash the legs? Yeah, yeah. What's going on with these nuts in Congress? Airplanes, am I right? Hey, Alex, did you ever wash your legs?

AlexYeah, you know what? You can find the answer at twoheadegirlfm.com. All right. Moving on.

Speaker AIt's really two-headedgirlfm.com?

AlexYeah, I couldn't get .fm. I was like, I couldn't get two-headedgirl.com. Or two-headedgirl.transistor.fm.

MerlinOkay. That's pretty weird. You didn't want to go with .limo.

AlexNo, unfortunately. Do not go with .limo, .play, .horse, .pizza. They're getting a little wild now. Yeah. Yeah. All right. Hold on. What am I looking at with the pig shitting? Oh, it's not our thread. I'm sorry. It's not your fault. It's Max's fault.

Merlinwww.creedthoughts.gov.

AlexI guess it's a dog or a pig shitting on its balls. What's happening? I'm sorry.

MerlinWhat's happening right now? I'm missing it.

AlexWhat's happening? Oh, God. If you go into one of our many, many. Oh, no. Oh, God. What is this?

Speaker AIt's funny.

MaxIt's one of my favorite pictures. Look at it.

MerlinZoom in. If I click on it, was it poop? What is it? It's poop. It's shit on its balls. Yeah, it's funny because it looks like a penis on his balls. Oh, no.

AlexOh, no.

MerlinHe's already fully evacuated and it's just hanging there?

AlexYeah. Yeah.

MerlinOh, geez.

AlexThat's a shame. Poor pig.

MerlinPoor pig.

AlexYou know what?

MerlinYeah, yeah, Alex. Poor pig.

AlexI'm a hypocrite.

MerlinYou're so lousy with big pig.

AlexListen, the pigs I eat, they have the dignity of not having to. they're slaughtered before they're shit on their balls.

MerlinSome pig. Wow.

AlexSome pig. Okay, Merlin, what bath technology did you get? Wait, wait.

MerlinHe didn't finish his anecdote.

AlexOh, Max, what was your anecdote? No, that's it. Are we in the bath? Are we? Okay, Merlin.

MerlinSo you got a shelf and you used it. Did you use it? Over.

MaxMax? Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah. Okay.

AlexOkay.

MaxOh, I got a pillow. I got a bath pillow.

AlexOh, whoa. That thing seems like it's going to get very mildly and gross pretty quick. Wait, wait. Look on Amazon. Bath pillow. Bath pillow. I'm trying to think of like, is this a comfort thing or a safety thing?

MerlinIf it gets any pee on it, you can just use like some apple cider vinegar. I call it ACV.

AlexOkay. If it gets pee. Okay. Okay. So this is, I see some that are sort of for like protecting. I got this one.

MaxGorilla Grip Original Spa Bath Pillow features powerful gripping technology, comfortable.

AlexOkay. So this isn't for not banging your head. This is specifically for resting your head as well.

MaxAt some point, you're taking a bath that's so long that you need this.

MerlinOkay. Oh, yeah, because of fatigue or you don't want to get deep vein thrombosis on your head. Correct. Right? So you got to walk around, you get those special socks, and then you can walk around on the plane. But don't go in the bathroom because people have peed on that.

AlexIs this what's going to happen when I turn 30? I'm very upset.

MaxI know. I don't know what any of that shit is.

Speaker AOh, my God. What are you talking about? I'm upset by the bath pillow. Just, oh.

MerlinOh, oh, oh. I'm going to try to send this. Oh, shit. No, that's my family. Don't send that. Where you are here. In a bath? Okay. I don't know if this will go through. Did that go through? Something's gone through. Something's don't go through.

MaxThis has gone through. Oh, very exciting. Merlin got the...

MerlinI'm sorry, Alex. I didn't mean to yoink your chest.

MaxOh, shit. Please tell me everything about the Lux Bidet Neo 320 self-cleaning dual nozzle, hot and cold water, non-electric mechanical bidet toilet.

MerlinYou should literally try to stop me because I got a whole bit... Alex, do yours. Do yours.

AlexUnless you want me to do mine.

MaxAlex peanut buttered. I can tell.

AlexNo, well, on the bath part, of course. There's no fucking way am I taking a bath. You don't take a bath? Well, I don't have a... I do not have a bath. You don't have to pee in there. I don't have to. If I really tried, I didn't.

MerlinThe water's real warm. It's very stimulating.

MaxOkay, I think we all know.

MerlinWe've established what Merlin's fetish is. Oh, God. My fetish is laying on the bathroom floor of my office trying to install a $59 pfadet. I'm dirty like that. You don't have a bathtub.

AlexNo, I have a... Well, here's the thing.

MerlinWhat had happened was...

AlexI'm already in hot water, if you will, because I tried to install a shower in my... Good Lord. I tried to install a... Alex, take a breath.

MerlinWhat are you trying to tell us? Buffer over. I tried to install...

Speaker AI think Alex got hit with a man in the middle attack.

MaxAlex, flash your PRAM. Take a deep breath. Okay. Zero, one, zero, zero, one, zero, one, zero, one, zero, zero. Can we get Alex rebooted into safety mode?

Speaker AI need my little iOS tool.

MerlinWhat you want to do, you want to hold down Command S on Alex.

MaxOh, boy. Try unplugging all of the USB devices from Alex.

MerlinRight. Count to ten. Cycle our internal router, if you know what I mean.

So, Alex, what had happened was what? You tried to install a shower?

Speaker ANo, I put one of the... You tried to put a shower in your shower?

AlexI tried to put a shelf in my shower. A shelf in your shower? A shelf.

Speaker AVery shellfish.

AlexIt's so hard to say. But it was one of those that hangs over the shower head, you know? And the shower head broke off.

MerlinWell, that's going to put a lot of stress on there. Yeah, it broke off. You got to get that cleared.

Speaker AIt broke off. Oh, no! Oh, shit!

MerlinRing, ring, ring.

Speaker AI'm like, hey, hey, Keith!

MerlinDid you say you were trying to do auto-erotic stuff, or did you cop to the truth?

AlexNo, I... Well...

MerlinI'm channeling charity.

AlexHere was my, here was my issue. Um, I was like, I can cop to the truth, which was that I put it on there without putting anything into it. So literally I put the, you know, you put it on like a necklace. And so I put it on and it just broke the thing off. Uh, and I could have been like, listen, if this is what broke it, uh, without putting anything in it, we should probably get the shower head replaced. right but um i just said hey keith can you come over there's a problem with the showerhead uh

and what had happened was uh he came over and when i wasn't home apparently and i came home and the showerhead was replaced he just comes into your house when you're not there yeah like yeah uh but then he's there right now i he probably is um whatever yeah he's probably in

Merlinsome kind of bespoke outcome.

AlexHe's probably just... Jerky jerking it so right. You know what? More power to him.

MerlinGood for him.

AlexYou know what I mean?

MerlinChase your bliss.

AlexBut then I found one that goes over the door. So that's on its way.

Speaker ARing, ring, ring. Hey. Hey, buddy. Maybe he's right not to let me hang things on the walls. Maybe it's just me. It's mainly hanging-related problems.

MerlinIt all checks out. You can't have curtains. You can't have paintings on. Wait a minute. Holy shit. You can't have, you're not allowed to have drapes like a person, right?

AlexExcept for the ones that came pre-installed. But I don't have drapes on the, there's drapes in the bedroom that are this lovely shade of brown.

MerlinWait, it's drapes that were provided by him?

AlexOr the previous tenant. I have no idea. Wait a minute.

MerlinYou've got other people's drapes?

AlexI have no idea. Oh, gross. I literally am afraid to ask. because if he says, yeah, that they were just there.

MaxAlex, let me help you find a new apartment.

AlexYou know what? You have a very easy way to find a new apartment. Everybody, go to patreon.com slash Dubai Friday.

MaxAlex, I have a guy. Let me help you find a new place where you... This is a disaster.

AlexIt's not a...

Speaker AIt's fine.

MaxYou're going to be murdered. You're going to be... I'm not going to be murdered. Do you understand you're going to be murdered? You're going to be murdered, and then people are going to be mad at me and Merlin because they're going to be like, why did you allow this to happen?

MerlinWhy didn't you... Yeah, I'm going to hear from Syracuse. So why didn't you save her? Let me ask you this. Are you allowed to hang paintings on the wall?

AlexNo. You can't attach anything to the walls.

MerlinYou're not allowed to hang drapes. You're not allowed to hang paintings. Is there anything? We're going to get you out of there.

AlexNo. Would you meet with my guy?

MerlinMeet with this guy, Alex. You're not committing. You're just looking. You're just asking the question.

AlexYeah. I'm just looking. I'm just going to the dealership. Just to look.

MaxJust to look. You sit down. You have one meeting with Cliff Hickinson. You're never going to. Your life's never going to be the same. Cliff's going to get you fixed up.

MerlinAlex, what do I have to do to put you in this apartment today? Hi, I'm Cliff Hickinson, attorney at law.

MaxFor the love of Christ, would you please tell me about your bidet?

AlexPlease, please.

MaxAll week you've been texting us about the bidet. I want to know. And I've been so scared that you were going to tell that we were going to get cocked by Syracuse, by the Chad Syracuse. Where you tell him.

MerlinAnd the worst part is it's a total Ozymandias situation where you will find out. He already did it 35 minutes ago. We record so early before the episode comes out, it's been sitting there in a sealed envelope the whole time. Yes, you get exclusive information on Lux Bidet Neo 320 self-cleaning dual nozzle hot and cold water non-electric mechanical toilet attachment blue and white.

MaxNow, why did you – okay, how did you decide to get this? How did it come across your radar?

MerlinSo what had happened was first I said to myself, so I like a bath. I usually make it too hot because I like a hot bath, and it's not funny when it's too hot. And so I take baths. And so what happened was I got a new thing of Epsom salts. And by the way, people out there, magnesium, it's a known problem. Watch out for magnesium. That's all I'm going to say to you. Now, a lot of you know that if you eat magnesium in a supplement, it makes you shit and shit. And then you think, are you aware that magnesium can also go through your skin?

So be careful because it'll make you shit and shit. So I got some Epsom salts. I got the Sip Caddy, Cup Holder Caddy. Oh, who names these? And I got that bath pill you saw. But let's get to the good part. So I think it might, I definitely, you know, I love a bidet. I love a bidet.

But, and my in-laws have a Toto washlet that I have a very intimate relationship with. And then Alex was doing one of her, hey, internet, here's an opportunity to make fun of me on the internet. Who won coin? and she goes hey what was your question what do you recommend for a bath technology and like of course there's you know lots of guys jumping in going total washlet that's 400 bucks

and we don't really have a way to accommodate that at home right okay so you're with me we don't have an abundance of electricity because we live in a hovel but then I thought to myself wait a minute I have another bathroom and maybe it ain't going to be a Toto washlet, but I know there is an outlet in there and I'm not concerned with this aesthetics as anybody can see. And I should get this. So I got Luxvidade Neo 320. Now, what's cool about this also, it's non-electric. This is so fucking Tim and Eric.

This is so Tim and Eric. So Max, you don't want this. Let's get that out of the way. You want a washlet. You want a Toto washlet. You do not want this one. This is kind of like a steampunk ass washer.

MaxOkay.

MerlinIt doesn't have power. It works on water pressure. It just hoses your anus so hard. I tried it. I installed it. First I installed it. I said, huh. And I was standing there after I finally got it on. And I bought a new toilet seat because my bathroom is very David Fincher. And I thought, this is cool. And I moved the thing. And it shot all over my pants as I stood there. I went, wow. That's known for its reach. Then when I finally did take a dump, I said, holy shit.

I've got a bidet. I should totally use this. Now, here's the thing. In its current way that this works, because of the way my sink is, long story short, I don't have a way to hook up the hot water to this. I am going to do that. Right now, it's hooked up the cold water. Where does the cold water come from? You put a T-junction on the water that goes into your bowl. So it comes out of the floor. Some of the water goes to the bidet. Some of the water goes to the tank, right? Apparently I have very good water pressure

Because I barely turned this thing on And it hit my anus So hard and so cold Guys, imagine me shitting Now imagine water hitting my ass

MaxHang on, you're moving too fast Oh, okay

MerlinI got a bidet, I should try this

MaxNow in this scenario Did you hit your mute switch or not?

MerlinI jumped three inches off the seat Whoa! But I wasn't complaining

Speaker AI should send you a photo

MerlinIt's really It's very David Fincher I took a photo When I was texting with you guys Or slacking with you guys But I didn't send it Because I didn't want Syracuse to see it And make remarks about my bathroom So anyway, it's fucking great $60 for a non-electric bidet And you just hook it up But yeah, it was not Guys, guys, so much trouble Getting the old toilet seat off Not the way I wanted to spend my day With the wrench It doesn't have the pop pop Yeah, it was so gross

Because you've got to take the toilet seat And lid off In order to install this It's real janky, but I love it I can't wait to get the hot water. I'm so pumped. But then, another reason, Max, the best part of Wake It Up is not just Folgers in your cup. It's also the air that gets blown at your hinders when you get a Toto. So get a Toto washlet.

MaxIs that a whole new toilet that I have to buy or is that a post-market? No. Is that an aftermarket?

MerlinNo, it's a fairly reasonably aesthetic. I wouldn't put it in a bathroom that a lot of people use because you're going to get gas. You're going to get hot pots. But I would... But it's yeah you can go look at it. I think it's $440 or something. Okay. Yeah But boy it just sprays it no matter how lightly you first you hear this like this is just selling And then it just goes It really goes it hits you right it's aimed Maybe I just sit well but boy it knows right where to go

MaxOkay almost every time I take a shit it's it looks like this

AlexIs the Toto wash looking to help me? Oh, I see.

MerlinSo it mounts right onto your balls. Okay. What if you greased between? The picture is so funny. What if you greased your scrotum between the balls so it slides?

MaxAlex, how could you work at this company and not think that that picture is funny?

Speaker AThat's the thing. I'm just, I'm immune.

MerlinNothing is funny. Mr. Tampkin has some questions about some photographs you see.

Speaker AIt's so funny.

MerlinI understand that you're a comedy card game. There's a certain kind of ribble. Would you feel like that's the kind of thing you want to say to an employee? What? It's a pig shitting on his balls.

AlexWhat's wrong with that? Alex, do you want to see a live pig? No. Ha ha!

Show notes

Transcript

168. Cliff Hickinson

Show notes

Transcript

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