149. Regional Knife Law

AlexThis is Do Buy Friday, a weekly challenge podcast with Merlin Mann, Alex Cox, and Max Temkin. This week's challenge, watch the Apple Keynote.

Do you always hum at the beginning of whatever podcast you're recording just to, you know, break the silence but also make sure call recorder is working.

MerlinWhy do you care?

AlexBecause I'm interested in your life and I find it charming.

MerlinDon't you have other things you need to be thinking about?

MaxThese are the kind of pro-podcasting life hacks that Alex wants from the full Merlin Man experience.

MerlinOkay.

AlexMerlin Man. I threw him off.

MerlinI get as prepared as I can be. I'm posting through this whole thing. Okay? I'm listening to a podcast. I'm listening to the latest episode of Can He Do That? I'm posting some very funny Jeremy Renner material, and I have everything as ready as it can be before we start. Yes. Yes. I need to pause long enough to make sure call recorder is going. But here's the thing. You guys often call me while I don't know what's happening. I don't know what's happening. There could be people, I might have a guest to talk about The Bachelor. I don't know what's going to happen. Max might be in the midst of popping off on a bit that started I don't know

how many minutes ago. I don't like to be ego assertive. And so, you know what I do? I do this.

MaxYou know what I've been having?

MerlinWhat's that?

MaxIs emergency. Oh, God. What a racket. I was just looking at Alex's. What a racket. I was just looking at Alex's. Alex's got her big bottle of piss water here that we've previously discussed on the podcast. And I think that's, I think there's some sort of. Full of powders. There's some sort of energy powder in there. Some sort of green, greenish yellow. Does it smell like asparagus?

AlexNo. Oh, no. It smells like... Not yet. Yeah. It might later today, depending on how much I drink. I mean, there's a bunch of bullshit stuff, but there is also caffeine, which is the main thing that excites me.

MerlinYou would regard that as non-bullshit stuff?

MaxNon-bullshit. A couple weeks ago, when I was on the cards retreat, you know, we all live together. We're staying in this Airbnb. And often what happens... I mean, there's seven of us, right? So often what happens is one of the guys shows up a little sick. and inevitably you know what where this is going i mean we're all eating the same we're all eating the same doritos and there's just josh's all over the hand meats and we're just sitting at a conference table in an un unventilated you know living room and just we're all getting sick it's

happening and and like one guy showed up and he got uh eli got pretty sick on this retreat like he got no he got like like he had like a fever like he was sleeping all day like he was quite sick and I'm I don't know why I'm all I'm always the first one to fall like I'm usually the first one to get sick I think I don't know who knows why but um Eli went down and then two of the other guys got sick with whatever Eli had and I was like I'm next like I can feel it like I just know

Merlinin my bones you're not waiting for your number to come up yep yep and and I was like yeah it's

Maxawful right because you don't want to get it's not that bad but it's not I'm not gonna die but Like, damn, I hate, like, especially when you need that work to be, you know, contributing and be productive. It's just no good. And so I was like, there must be something I can do. Like, I don't want to just sit here passively and, you know, get, like, sheep to the slaughter. Just become sick and do nothing. And so I went, I sort of thought through my options and I was like, maybe I'll start taking the emergency immune plus plus.

AlexSo what does that supposedly do? Who told you to do that?

MerlinMax, tell me what does that supposedly do.

MaxSo usually what we do is we order a big old Amazon cart of just like stuff. And we get, you know, like toothpaste and deodorant and just shit that people need. And someone had gotten just a box of emergency immune plus plus. And I was like, you know what? I'm going to start drinking this and maybe it'll do something for me. Guess what? I didn't get sick.

MerlinWhy are you looking for your wallet here?

MaxThe light is better. Yeah, okay. So now I'm still... And so, first of all, I think it tastes pretty good. I have like a tangerine orange.

MerlinIt's got all that ascorbic acid in it. We're bringing up the citrus tones.

MaxIt's sweet.

MerlinIt's like a tang.

MaxIt's like a mild tang. It's a little effervescent.

MerlinYeah, sure.

MaxSo I start my day off with a big glass of emergency immune plus plus.

MerlinYou know, they said to the old lady, how do you live to be 100 years old? And she said every morning you get up and you drink a glass of milk for 100 years. so what I'm here to say is if that I am not I am not going to turns out you on this because I'm glad to hear that it's working for you have you considered maybe wearing a certain kind of beads maybe that would work too oh you get some beads or no I'm just saying maybe you could burn some

Maxsage you're saying you've got a rock that's going to keep the bears away that's right I would like to buy your rock yeah exactly right I would like to buy so now okay now you're I'm aware I'm not

MerlinNo, no, no, no. I'm not going to shame you about this.

MaxNo, I'm not going to. Listen, I don't think it works. I don't think. I actually, I've heard you talk about the vitamin C stuff, and I've read about it myself. And there's basically no evidence that taking a lot of vitamin C does anything to prevent illness, right?

AlexYeah.

MaxNo, you piss it all away.

AlexWhich broke my heart.

MerlinIt's like as a courtroom exhibit that I used to have to do a lot at my old job was to explain dose versus exposure. and the idea that you could hold an aspirin to your head all day and the headache would never go away, or you could hold a bottle of aspirin to your head and it would not make it go away any quicker because it hasn't crossed the barrier that it needs to do something useful for you. It's on your forehead, and forehead is not where aspirin do. So, you know, but in this case, I mean, vitamin C, you know what? See, now I'm doing it. I'm doing it. Look at poor Malcolm Gladwell.

Are you aware of what a terrible time Malcolm Gladwell is having right now?

AlexNo, what's going on?

MerlinWell, we have a lot to talk about. We have a lot of things in the doc.

MaxCan I ask you one thing before we move off of this?

MerlinListen, I am here at your pleasure. There's all kinds of letters in there.

MaxThere are. It could be maybe the zinc. Could that be doing something?

MerlinOh, gosh, zinc is huge. You want to get as much of that as you can on your forehead. Maybe get a zinc cream. You'd also repel sunburns.

MaxOh, you're saying that whatever you're drinking, it's not helping you?

MerlinI don't know. I mean, maybe you're a targeted individual. You want to take the precautions that you need if somebody is trying to burn your feet through the floor.

AlexYeah, what I think is happening is just the fact that you're taking emergency knows that emergency. You are aware that you're in an environment. We need to reboot, Alex. Emergency. She had a procedure, Max. Emergency.

Opioid. But you're aware that you could get sick. So you're doing this, but you're also probably subconsciously doing extra things.

MerlinThat's actually such a good point. You know what? So I would be the guy who says any diet will work as long as you're thinking about your food, right?

AlexYeah.

MerlinAnd so maybe that works for health, too, in general. Maybe you're aware now and you will be able to repel the germs you get from the Josh's touching your hand meats.

MaxLike I'm washing my hands and things like that.

MerlinYes, precisely. Now, all I know, I don't know. This is what, I don't even know who to trust anymore. I've got to be honest with you. I don't know who to trust. But they say that vitamins, if you want to get vitamins, your best source of vitamins is from a balanced diet. But then you've got to eat stuff like greens, things like that, which is fine. Everybody says they eat that, but nobody eats vegetables. No, no, no. What a jam up. I mean, you know, I'll have a roasted Brussels sprouts, but that's like a Toblerone for me.

That's not something I'm going to have every day. I'm not a monster. Let me tell you what else I'm doing. Yeah. Please. Anything you can share with me to stay healthy and sane, I will take at this point.

MaxI took a number of flights. You guys know I've been – this is my crazy time. But I've had – I was probably on maybe 12-ish flights in the last couple months and didn't get sick once. And I don't – again, could just be probably just random. But I'll tell you, I've been extremely diligent about my pre-flight procedure, which is I take a Clorox brand wipe out of the resealable, you know, little flat pack. I wipe down my seat. I wipe down my seat belt. I wipe down the tray table.

You know you've got to get into that tray table. I wipe down the latch of the tray table. I wipe down the little pocket in front of myself. I wipe down the little holder on the window in case I need to handle the window if I'm in the window seat.

AlexOh, my.

MaxI wipe down the armrest. You don't like to be handed things. Basically, anywhere where my hands might touch on the plane, I'm wiping it down. I'm wiping down the headrest on the back. I'm wiping it all down with my Clorox wipe. And then I have another wipe that I've started carrying, which is a Purell hand wipe. Oh, yeah.

MerlinOh, that's the operational towel.

MaxOkay, smart. And this is like what you get at a steakhouse. It's like a little moist towelette. But instead of being a moist towelette, it has – instead of whatever alcohol or whatever is on the moist towelette, it has Purell. And I wipe my –

MerlinSo you're saying after you clean your environment, you clean you.

MaxI clean my hands. Now, I'm curious – Who watches the Watchmen? Yeah. Do you think that's – maybe that's doing something? And also, I would love to know from Dr. Don – this is my question to Dr. Don – is do those Purell wipes do anything? Like, you know what I mean? Like, here's my – I do not really have the option of getting up to wash my hands at this stage of the flight because, you know, boarding is happening and all of that.

MerlinOh, do you really want to deliberately cover your hands in that water? Why don't you just drink the coffee?

MaxWell, that's my feeling. I've actually thought about the slot.

MerlinDoes that bathroom? Max, do you ever really think about that bathroom?

MaxBecause the other problem is even if the water is clean, you're having a lot of contact with the door handle.

MerlinThat's a big assumption. Yes. No, no. You're touching. Here's your guarantee. Here's the Delta guarantee. There's shit on everything. You go into that bathroom, and there's been splatter that's gone everywhere. It's touching everything. It's been aerosolized. And you're in a little vertical coffin full of shit pustules. It's covering everything. Here's the thing. I'll say it again. You know what, America? You need to hear this. You're enjoying the movie. You got the pee time out. Great. Now it's time to go to the movie theater. And you're going to go. You know what your guarantee is? No matter what you touch in there, it's been touched by somebody who just shot.

MaxThese fucking bovine monsters on the airplane that surround you on the airplane. Do you know what I ask you this? When they get up, first of all, it's unconscionable to be on a four-hour flight that people take a shit. I honestly boggles my mind. How have you not prepared your life so that you don't have to make a shit?

MerlinYou're saying you should have, like, as a prophylactic, you have, like, three or four modium?

MaxDon't people plan their shits? Like, what is wrong?

MerlinWell, that's very privileged, Max. Some of us have disorders.

MaxOkay, all right, fine, but fine. You're telling me?

MerlinThe shit lord is not something that one can always just conjure at will. Sometimes the shit lord comes to you and says, it's time.

MaxYeah, he's the one that knocks. I understand that, but I'm just a high – you know, 40% of that plane is going to get up and take a shit during a four-hour flight. They don't all have some sort of disorder, right? A few of them do. No, you're right.

MerlinYou're right.

MaxIt's poor planning.

MerlinThink about those cushions they're sitting on. Think about how many farts have been in that cushion. It's just collecting. You think they clean the farts out every flight?

MaxPeople are animals. You're on a flight. You're on less than a cross-country flight. You're getting up and you're taking a shit. I can't believe it.

MerlinI know. Run your finger along any edge and it's just chock-a-block with boogers. So many boogers.

MaxAll those people. Okay, let me ask you this. All these people, they're all getting up and they're taking a mid-flight shit, right? Yes, yes. Now, do you think that they're having a nice, normal, hard shit?

AlexNo way.

MaxWell, it's a completely way. Because also they're traveling. They're traveling.

MerlinNo, it's a really good point. Is it a normal, hard shit?

MaxYou're eating a McGriddles. You're eating a McGriddles at the airport. You've been traveling.

MerlinYou're touching things.

MaxYou're touching things. Yeah. Everyone, every single person on that plane is having a crazy clown shit in there.

MerlinIt's a loose, they're having a loose tan stain.

MaxYes. It's like a broken lawn sprinkler. It's just, it's just wet. It's just, it's just a, it's just an awful.

MerlinSometimes you'll see it. Even after the toilets made that big noise, you'll still see a little bit of the loose tan stain hanging to the side, clinging on. Oh, like, like old cigarettes. Like someone's been smoking in there for 30 years. Oh, sure. Absolutely. Well, some people, you know, you get into a pattern. You know, you like to have your coffee. You know everybody on there's had coffee. You know what coffee does to a person. Tan stains.

MaxSo here's my question to Dr. Don. I know, and again, I know you always have to say this when you ask, when we give Dr. Don one of our little, one of these little research assignments that he loves so much. But, you know, Dr. Don, could you give me a straight answer? I mean, I know, I don't want to hear some, oh, you haven't studied it. It depends. Yeah, there's factors. And yeah, I fucking know there's factors. It doesn't depend. tell me tell me tell me how to protect myself in a world that's trying to undo me could you please i i mean come on man this is just one fucking straight answer dr don how hard is it it's your

whole career just tell me am i better off washing my hands in the airplane bathroom or wiping my hands with a purell towel or is the purell towel so useless as to do nothing and i have to say that i i would maybe i also want to get dr chapman to talk about this professor chapman to talk about Because, you know, I think Dr. Don might be in the pocket of Big Purell.

MerlinI don't think we could say anything, but, like, I do have my concerns. I've wondered sometimes if he's getting money from Big Dyson also. He comes up with, no, no, no, no, I respect the man. He is from New Jersey. But he dithers. He dithers a lot about giving a straight medical answer about how to protect oneself.

MaxYou know what I mean? You know, if I go to my doctor and I'm like, doc, listen, just give me the advice here. Should I be eating, you know, French fries every single day? Is that good for my heart? He's not going to go, oh, well, there's a lot of factors and studies and it depends. He goes, no, fucking stop it. You're hurting yourself.

Speaker AHmm.

MaxBut doctor, I am the tan stain.

MerlinThe Atlantic. I'll just make this reserve reading because, boy, this is a hell of a thing.

MaxDo you guys carry any of those? Sorry, I'm sorry. I can't stop thinking about it.

MerlinYou had a question about hand washing?

MaxI have the little flat Clorox wipes, and then I've got my Purell's. Do you guys carry any of that stuff?

MerlinI have my assistant do it. I think I might have run out,

Maxand I don't have an Amazon Dash button. You know, Merlin, you turned that out.

MerlinThey discontinued the Dash button. It's disrupting our entire workflow. Wait, what? The Dash button stopped working on August 31st.

MaxAll Dash buttons?

MerlinYou would know that if you were actually using it. Read a book.

MaxWait, all Dash buttons stopped working?

MerlinAll Dash buttons stopped working. You could probably make one with a Raspberry Pi. I don't even know what that is.

AlexOh, I use the virtual ones now.

MerlinOh, that's sad, Alex.

AlexI guess I haven't needed to use it. I apologize.

MerlinWell, I finally got my daughter into a wholesome workflow of realizing when you notice that you're about to run out of this thing that you like, that you drink. You push the button. You push the button, and then that gets delivered. Why would they discontinue those? Oh, God, the email about it was so opaque. It was like, Amazon is always experimenting with new ways to be-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de.

MaxBut no, they just discontinue. I guess they want you to put an Alexa everywhere.

MerlinI don't. Well, but see what the, you've got to be sure it's going to be the delivery window you want. Save it for the show. Now, Max, I don't have an answer to this. I feel like I should. I worry about leakage from a Purell bottle. No, the wipes. The wipes. Yeah, I haven't explored. Okay, so tell me what wipes to get.

MaxAlex has got them.

MerlinI just ordered some pocket knives, so I'll also get some wipes. Oh, I have to put knives on our file. Oh, knives are on the list. Don't worry, buddy. I got two different knife lines in the spreadsheet.

MaxWhat do you think about my, fuck, what was it? Knives and something.

MerlinOh, yeah. I have Marco on to talk about knives, and it's very close to the keychain challenge. What was it?

MaxIt was knives and something.

MerlinKnives and Flashlights.

MaxYes, that's a great episode. Knives and Flashlights Power Hour.

MerlinYou said that. My God, Max. Well, you did it again. Yes, Max, that's a really good idea. We should do that.

Speaker AThat is.

MerlinIn the Slack that you made us join, you told Marco to come on the show. And Marco said, I don't actually know that much about pocket knives. And you said we should do this. I totally agree. Marco. Marco, I asked Marco for a feature today, and I think he might do it. He's a good man.

MaxOh, my.

MerlinTell me what to get. Clorox wipes? Is that what I'm supposed to get?

MaxWell, there's Lysol wipes, and then there's Clorox wipes.

MerlinSorry, point of information. Order! Are these how I clean the things or how I clean me? The seat. Oh, yeah, yeah. I've got Clorox wipes here at my office.

MaxBut what you don't want to carry in your backpack is like the big tube where they all come out like a mouth coil.

MerlinLike baby wipes, yeah.

MaxYeah, what you want is, yeah, you want the ones that come in a little plastic sachet. Okay.

AlexOr I'm sending you my current favorite. It is the Purell hand sanitizing wipe.

MaxThat's the second order, but that's for your hands.

AlexRight, right. That's not for the seat. That's the operational tail. This is the size I want for those Lysol wipes. No, no, no, no, no.

MaxYou need a lot of wipe.

MerlinDo they make them a man size?

MaxYou're not wiping enough. If you think you could do your whole seat with one of those, you're not wiping it off.

MerlinIf you're not bleeding, you're not done.

AlexNo, no, no. Well, like I take one of these for my hands and then one of these for the seat.

MaxNo, no, no, no, no, no. Absolutely not.

AlexAll right. All right. Dr. Don, we're going to need to do a-

MaxI frankly would like the- Dr. Don, come on, do by Friday, you coward. I'd like the Clorox. I would like the Clorox wipe to be bigger, frankly. I'd like it to unfold like a parachute and I drape it over the entire person's seat in front of me. Maybe I get it a little in their hair.

MerlinOh, it's like the people on my list who are targeted individuals who they sleep underneath a blanket that's like a Faraday cage. RFID blocking. But it's more than that. And there's the one lady, my new favorite lady, my new favorite lady on my list. Wow. Wow. She likes to make videos of when she was asleep. So there's the first lady, and she does videos where she talks about how they shut off her video so she can't see what's going on in her refrigerator and makes a noise. That is a do weapon, which is like a pin number. Way of the future. way of the future, but this other lady

who's a real pistol, she's got a lot going on. Oh, look at that. My watch beeped. Oh, it's Alex. Hey, I do a podcast with you. I'm clicking. I told you to stay off until later. The second lady, the new lady that I'm super into, she sleeps under this. It's almost like a Harry Potter cape, but it keeps out the weapons that target her.

MaxIs it one of those space blankets?

MerlinYeah, it's like a space blanket, but it keeps out the waves that are being used to torture her as a targeted individual. And then she makes a video in the morning. She makes a video of how it was vandalized overnight by people.

AlexOh my.

MerlinAnd then she takes a photo of a clock. So you know what time it is often her feet are in the video. And then she will also, she does a screen grab of her phone app that captures the radiation that's being sent at her. And then she scribbles on the screen in longhand and says, I burnt my feet through the floor. And then she takes a picture of the clock.

AlexI think, no, this isn't real.

MaxMerlin, you know your 70% isopropyl alcohol that you like, that you turn me on to? 70 or 90, yeah, yeah. So I carry, I have a bottle of that in my office, and I periodically use it for, I'll wipe down my Apple keyboard.

MerlinI literally downloaded an app for cleaning my keyboard this morning and cleaned it with the alcohol literally before we started recording.

MaxThat's nice. I'll use that. Did you know there's an app for that?

MerlinI didn't even know I needed that, and now I have to buy it. You get an app and you open it. You get an app and you don't have to reboot. You get an app and you open the app and there's only one thing that works in the app, which is Command Q. So you can really get in there with your keyboard without having to reboot.

MaxI use the wireless Apple one and I just turn it off.

MerlinDo you tap it to dump out all the detritus?

MaxOh, I get in there and I pound that thing. And so much like you could build a golem out of all the little... Max, save our village. Save our village, Max. I'd pay to see a Max Golem. Definitely if I ever needed to implicate someone in a murder, I would tap their keyboard, harvest their DNA, and then sprinkle just a light dusting on the corpse.

MerlinDid you see the Nathan For You episode called The Anecdote?

AlexOh, it is probably my favorite.

MaxIt's very good.

AlexWait, wait, can I? Finish.

MaxYou're going to love this. This is my last thing on cleaning wipes.

AlexOh, my God.

MaxThe 70% isopropyl alcohol. Is it really?

AlexThe 70% isopropyl alcohol

MaxYou can get that as a wipe Okay

MerlinIt's alcohol as a service

MaxIndividually packaged It's called ass It's like a little moist towelette of 70% isopropyl alcohol And I carry them in my backpack

MerlinI'm trying to remember which is 74 And which is 91 for The 91 evaporates more I've got 91 here I've got a tub of it right here But okay alright

MaxAnd the final one I'll carry is we have the Zeiss cleaning wipes. Oh, those are good. Yeah. Like for glasses.

AlexYeah. Right here for lenses.

MaxThose are the very high quality. Yeah. I'll do my screen with that too.

AlexOh, you're not supposed to do that, but I do it anyway.

MerlinNo, you don't want to get that on your screen. For screen, you could just use water, turns out.

AlexWho does that? Who really takes a warm washcloth to their laptop? The people who clean my room.

MerlinNo, that's... Listen.

Speaker AI want to do a screen.

MerlinNo, no, no. Nope, save it for the show. Save it for the show that cannot be named.

Speaker AOkay.

MerlinThere's going to be a podcast recorded that is never, ever released where a handful of my friends and I will talk about things the housekeepers do that drive you crazy. Why do you turn this scale? Why do you turn this scale 90 degrees? Who turns a scale 90 degrees? Oh, which power supply will be slightly unplugged this week? It's a new game I play. Oh, my God. Who puts a banker's box in front of how the cat gets into its plastic? You did that on purpose. Anyway, that's a show that will never be released.

AlexAll right.

Speaker ADig, dig, dig. If you break something, if you break something, just say so.

MerlinIf you break it, just say so. We won't be mad.

MaxListen, you're telling me I'm going to buy one of these fancy-ass phones, and I'm not going to wipe it down with abrasive chemicals? I'm going to really get in there and see the XDR, baby. I'm paying for those pixels let me see them

MerlinI get, what do you use Alex? I get that stuff, I get this whoosh, whoosh is the one I use whoosh

Maxfor real, I shouldn't be using a Zeiss cleaning wipe on my Apple screen what's the active ingredient?

Alexbecause there's alcohol in it, you're not supposed

Merlinoh shit, no, no, no, that'll take no dude, that's like how your laptop you know how your laptop eventually gets the keyboard pattern in the screen or how it gets those smudgy areas, that's because you're going to get that same thing. You need to get whoosh. W-H-O-O-S-H.

AlexBut it's not going to...

MerlinGoogle whoosh.

AlexIt slowly erodes the screen. I'm probably saying this wrong, and Syracuse is going to be sad.

MerlinNo, I did. It happened to my MacBook Air back in the day. Whoosh, award-winning screen cleaners. Yeah. So I had finger spooch that led to the keyboard because you put your keyboard in your backpack.

AlexA finger spooge?

MerlinA finger spooge. But you put that in your backpack. It gets compressed. It's pressing the keyboard against the screen and degrading it because of your finger spooge. But also, if you use a cleaner on there, you're going to get some little islands in the stream. You're going to get some real smooge. Yeah. Smooge is different from smooge. It's a spray. I want the whoosh. I like this. I'm not married to this. But the other thing to know is if you get a microfiber cloth, which you should have many of, I have a pile of them, make sure to wash them periodically because they become less useful if they've got spooge or sleuth.

AlexDo people not wash them? What?

MerlinSee, Alex, you're doing the thing again. You're doing the thing where you think people understand how to make films. People don't know how to make films, and they don't know that they need to wash their microfiber cloth.

MaxAlex, do you know the black and white wipes that we have in the office called screen cleaners? Yes. And there's a wet and a dry? Yes. Is that appropriate to use on my Mac?

AlexYes. Oh, sorry, sorry. I do not know. You know what I'm talking about?

MaxThey're the larger, they're a two wipe system and we have them in the supply room and they say screen wipe. I'm panicking because I've wiped my screen with those many times.

AlexI am 90% sure. It says screen wipe right on it. I know. I think.

MerlinMight be too late. You should get a new, you should get a new computer.

AlexThat's, that one's fine. The Zeiss ones aren't, but they are fine for like an iPad or an iPhone.

MaxWhat about a camera lens?

AlexWell, yeah, it's, it's made by Zeiss. That's what it is intended for.

MaxOkay, but nothing is anything anymore.

AlexYou're telling me everything is a lie. Oh my God. Okay, Zeiss.

MerlinOh, it's all a lie. Don't worry about that.

AlexZeiss, we made it visible. Lens cleaning wipe. Lens cleaning wipe. Contains 1%.

MerlinSmiling Asian boy.

AlexCube smitted us. Safely and quickly clean eyeglasses, sunglasses, lenses on cameras, binoculars, webcams, and many others. And I take many others to mean the glass on my iPhone. So, we'll see.

MaxThat's how you bring out the XDR.

AlexExactly. I want to see all the nits.

MerlinHoly shit. Back to work episode 85. Schrodinger's Soap Holder. This week Dan and Merlin discuss how to use a public restroom. And I like this episode because it's an old episode from 2012 where Dan and I basically played a public restroom as a D&D module.

AlexYeah, I did not enjoy that episode.

MerlinIt's a really good one. Operational towel, one safety towel.

AlexIf you think you're anything like Max or myself, don't listen to that episode. It's very upsetting.

MerlinWe just talk about, really, it's about, yes, it is about, you know, a fantasy RPG, but it's also about decision making. When it comes to bathrooms, you are your decisions. Did you go into the bathroom? Bad decision. Just shit your pants. Shit your pants. Turns out Malcolm Gladwell says that's actually better for you if you shit your pants.

AlexOh, good.

MerlinMalcolm Gladwell reaches his tipping point, The Atlantic.

AlexThat is an amazing title. I know the editors typically make the headlines for stories, but what a beautiful, beautiful.

MerlinOh, I know, yeah, yeah. Boy, this article's a hell of a read.

MaxSo let's see. So I bought the knife that Merlin got really excited about.

AlexAnd Alex, there's one on your desk. Oh, and you got me one, too, yeah.

MaxWait, which one is this, the little cute?

MerlinOh, no, you got the Star Wars knife. Did you get the Star Wars knife or the little cute guy with the grip? The little cute guy with the grip.

MaxIsn't it adorable? Yeah, I feel like it's a knife that a little girl could use to stab a robber.

MerlinWell, it needs auxiliary sharpening, but the four factors are amazing for opening a clamshell package. Why don't you make a noise, Alex?

AlexIt terrifies me. It's incredibly useful. It is illegal in Chicago. Why? And I love it. I don't know. I'll put it in show notes. Why is it illegal? To carry one around in Chicago. You can't carry any knife. It's a tiny knife.

MaxIt's like a little knife. Do you mean out of my house?

AlexChicago. No, no, no, no, no. It's like an open carry type of thing.

MerlinYou can have marijuana for whatever reason, but you can't have an adorable knife that you saw on Lockpicking Lawyer?

AlexThat's just sad. This knife is wonderful. I've literally had it for two days and have used it three times. It's wonderful, and it terrifies me.

MaxI'm fully switched over. I have to say I'm liking it better. The Kershaw, I'm always a little worried. it's so sharp that kershaw that i'm always worried that i'm going to somehow like cut myself as i'm opening or closing it or handling it or it's going to like fall off the table and stick into my foot and this knife i feel it's like very under control no for sure yes but you know what you talked about

Merlini know you know how to sharpen and hone knives but that's why this is a challenge for a future episode is i want to learn how to do it i've tried to watch youtube videos it's kind of like getting into cameras or comics like there's a lot of like just me about how the correct the right way to do it but and i know i'm doing it wrong but i want sharper knives i want super sharp knives and i think i'm gonna need a whetstone with two sides oh you get a 1000 side and a 6000 side and you soak in water and you flip it over and you got to keep the angle two quarters high real time update

Alexuh real real time follow-up sorry jason uh i've discovered the site a sharper future knife rights web page oh i mean well they're too focused on their knives there's something about a guy whose

Maxwhole thing is knowing the peculiarities of regional knife law.

MerlinIt's a 501c3.

MaxIt's a 501c3 called Knife Rights Foundation. Have you ever encountered a guy on Twitter that's a type of Twitter character who knows all the... You know too much about that thing. Who knows all the age of consent laws.

Those are the product of a different time. Do you know what I'm talking about? He's like, I'm actually in Alabama. Alex just did a piss water test. Oh my God.

MerlinIf you put them in a van while they're in a mall, that's the equivalent of consent in New York.

MaxI think it's automatically suspicious

Speaker Aif you know almost anything about consent laws.

MaxAnd similarly, if your whole thing is knowing, well, in this state, you can have a 3.5-inch blade protruding from your pocket. You're definitely going to stab someone, allegedly. Allegedly.

AlexAll right.

MerlinWe got so much to talk about here. My God.

AlexWe do, we do. And I know that Chapo Trap House covered the Jeremy Renner incident, but I just want to touch on it. Please, please, one of you explain what has happened with Mr. Renner and his application.

MaxWell, I would refer people to, damn, who? I already forgot the guy. The guy. It's. Yeah.

AlexIt was an Atlantic story.

MaxIt's not Jesse Farrar. No, the article that the guy. No, no.

MerlinYou're talking about the guy from Block Party.

MaxYeah. The guy. He wrote something on somewhere. The guy from Block Party.

MerlinSo there's a very fun podcast with Canadians called Block Party. where they talk about the week in social media and they have a guest to talk about somebody, a celebrity that blocked them or somebody that they had to block. And some of the episodes are very fun. The Alex Goldman episode about William Shatner is really funny. And that guy was on Chapo, Gray Wolf, the Patreon feed to talk about what, he was the guy who led to the Renner app being pulled. And he describes how flimsy this whole thing is. It's basically a white label app

that I think Max should have created and released Express X is the name of the company I believe

Maxin lieu of us having a whole thing about it because I think unfortunately we just missed I feel like we kind of missed the cycle

Merlinit's such a good episode

MaxI love the Choppa episode I listened to it on a plane I know everyone has this story of oh we listened to it on a plane and I laughed and everyone looked at me I got home for the flight

Merlinand I wanted to jack off

Maxand then Jeremy Renner texted me I fucking lost it repeatedly on an airplane

MerlinThis is just so we know, this is on the Patreon only, the Gray Wolf feed, so you have to be a member or still. Well worth your $5 a month. Oh, one of the best $5 I spend each month.

AlexUnsubscribe from us for one month to listen to this episode.

MaxBut honestly, I would say people should just read. It's on Deadspin, and there's an article by Stefan Heck called, and the title of it is, I broke the official Jeremy Renner app by posting the word porno on it. And the article is so funny. he's a very funny guy yeah

AlexI didn't even know who this guy was

Maxand now I love him should we do a little reading from this article just so people get a little taste

Merlinand all credit to Chapo who once again beat us to it

Maxso this is from Stefan Hex article and he's the guy who figured out how to troll this app but he goes the second thing you will find upon installing the app and if you have not already installed the official Jeremy Renner app please feel free to take this parenthetical as an opportunity to do so, is that every push notification you receive through the app looks as though it's coming directly from Mr. Renner himself. You will also soon notice that you receive a push notification every time someone replies to you. What this means, as you've probably figured out by now, is that if you post, looking good, Mr. Renner, under a blurry photo of Jeremy driving a dump truck

and someone named FootballJersey97 replies with, quote, there is diarrhea shooting out of my penis, your phone will buzz and you will receive a notification with the words, Jeremy Renner colon there is diarrhea shooting out of my penis next to a little picture of Jeremy Renner's face.

Now, I do not develop personalized vanity apps for celebrities. However, if I did develop personalized vanity apps for celebrities, I would think that one of the things I would try to avoid just right off the bat before we got to much of the complicated stuff would be any situation where it is extremely easy to make it look like the celebrity in question was personally messaging you about the stream of diarrhea shooting out of their penis. and then he goes i'm getting ahead of myself here's how it all began and then you get the whole story but like it's i mean what a good writer like what what a funny like you know

trolling it's like i i don't want to you don't want to celebrate it too much but like damn sometimes you just get a good target you get a good target a target rich environment and you're just like it's just so joyful you know i don't i don't think it's do you know i'm talking like

AlexWell, no, no.

MerlinI mean, especially if you're good at it, make it a sport.

MaxYou're not harassing women game developers here, right? No, no, no. It's like a celebrity's vanity app, and it's just so funny.

MerlinWell, it's also an instance of punching up versus punching down, to be honest.

AlexI mean, the thing that he responded to was an actual post supposedly by Jeremy Renner in the app that said something like, what are you doing this weekend?

MerlinIt says, have a rockin'. So, okay, just one more thing, because this is worth explaining. This is the thinnest possible concept for an app, based on what this guy is describing. You're a celebrity. So I think it's good. I think it's expressaxe.com, and you'll see celebrities you don't know. And so, but the idea is, it kind of, it's just basically an app that sits atop your Instagram feed, and it makes it look like you're getting posts from that celebrity. then then you can go in and buy uh buy beans that allow you in stars that allow you to have

your response to the celebrity show up higher in the comments so you feel like you're getting like that backstage weezer experience so in this instance the post goes out and it says from from uh jeremy renner actual have a rocking weekend everyone what's the plan uh he i mean

Alexhe was shit posting, but that wasn't harassing anybody.

MerlinSo Stefan said what, Max?

MaxHe's wearing like, he looks like an LLB. The photo of Jeremy Renner is so fucking funny. He looks like an LLB in catalog. And he's been like heavily like, look at his like the lines. Like he's definitely like weirdly like Photoshopped in front of his tree. And then his hair is all like clipped in Photoshop. And then he's holding little binoculars like he's bird hunting, you know, like bird spotting.

So Jeremy Renner posts, having a rocking weekend, everyone. what's the plan and then a Stefan Heck posts I will be looking at porno on my computer and then and then um Jesse Farrar replies and goes at Stefan Heck nasty not cool and uh this is again from the Deadspin article Stefan writes I'm not gonna lie to you for about 12 seconds I truly believe that actor Jeremy Renner thought porno was nasty because it says I'm looking at screen graph it says jeremy renner now and then big bowl with his photo with his photo yes jeremy

renner picture of jeremy renner's face like a tweet nasty not cool it looks like he's saying it

Merlinyeah yeah and you can and you can also then go in and change your username they never thought to like make it impossible to have a name that includes jeremy and renner in it so you can take it take the grift even further you know the way that like somebody like uh ken clippenstein will change his username when he gets retweeted by somebody you did that you're into that you're into you're very into that right the idea that when you get retweeted by some idiot necktie person you change your username to be something that messes with them you can do stuff like that well it's a whole

Maxi mean it probably has i mean you've probably had this happen at least once of like it's a horrible feeling of like you know you make some joke on twitter and you're doing your thing and you're like oh i'm riffing and i'm doing my thing sometimes you make one it just starts to blow up right and you're like you're like oh 20 retweets 100 retweets and then you come back and you're like, you know, damn, 2,500 retits. And it's getting bigger and bigger and bigger.

MerlinAnd now you have to move.

MaxWeird flex, guys. And eventually, I mean, it's not planned, right? It's like this is a...

MerlinWell, no, it's not like you have any agency over it. All it takes is one person who has a lot of wuffy retweeting it or quote tweeting it,

Maxand all of a sudden your life is over. It's just random. And then eventually, and you're like, and then for a minute you're feeling pretty good about yourself. And you're like, man, I'm funny and people like me and I'm good at Twitter. And then all of a sudden it's like, you know, retweeted by Ben Shapiro, or I can't even remember who did mine and i'm like fuck like i don't want to be funny to that guy like i'm not trying to make him you know that's not for him that's not for you you know and so you change

Merlinyour display name to ben shapiro drinks piss exactly exactly yeah yeah i mean you know it also it also anytime that happens and god this happens to women two orders of magnitude more i've started retweeting women less just because if it's a really really good tweet this sounds so shitty to say but i want to amplify funny people i want to amplify like cool people but i also don't

Maxwant to subject them to assholes because once because there are people out there. Wow, Merlin, that that's pretty cool. I've only been retweeting women for a year and I didn't even tell anyone.

AlexI only retweet black.

MaxI'm sorry. I'm not here.

MerlinThat's why I transitioned. I transitioned because I'll only tweet as a woman.

MaxI'm not I'm not I'm not there, but I'm having trouble hearing. Were you applauding? I couldn't hear. Oh, I'm sorry.

MerlinOh, God, you're so brave. No, no, no. Because the problem is and I see this with like there are women that I follow. And it's true for men, too, but it's really true for women. Especially if they have like a cute photo, right? The thing is, what somebody, there are people, okay, look at Brett Stevens. Brett Stevens found that one incredibly small, no big deal tweet about him, or sorry, it was pointed out to him, forgive me. It was pointed out to him because he would never.

AlexIt was brought to his attention.

MerlinBe sitting in tweet deck, looking at, he would never be sitting in tweet deck, looking at returns, live returns for his name appearing on Twitter. No, but there are people who will just be looking for some string of text that they have a hot take on. Right? I mean, that's a thing. Especially in like, you know, Magichai Twitter. It's a thing where you just look for that. So the other day, you know, I'm not going to bust a gun about this publicly, but let's just put it this way. Never forget. There's a lot of bullshit out there about celebrating first responders that is fine except insofar as we never talk about the people who actually suffered from an event.

We never talk about the people who actually were wiped out, wiped off the face of the earth by a fucking hurricane, or who just went to the mall that day to get a fucking Cinnabon and got shot. We don't talk about those people because that's too weird. What we talk about is the first responders who handled it so well. And so one day, last week, I was like, of course, you know, our wet boy was having one of his days, and he talked about all the brave, brave first responders at this or that terrible event and how brave they are. He loves the first responders.

He loves the troops. And all I tweeted was, oh, this guy sure loves him some first responders. And then Reply Guy comes in, and he's like, oh, that's a shred. It's very – the first responders – and you know. You know. You can just go through on these kind of – not this guy in particular probably. You go through. It's like Yelp reviews. It's like Amazon reviews. It's like Reply Guys always click on – next door. Always click on the username. and fully 35% of the time, it'll be somebody that is a one-issue voter who has this one hard-on for some issue

and they will just go in and blast those people. Now, now imagine you're like a cute girl who's like a developer and like you had a really good, funny, sick burn about something and now everybody collapses on you and now your life is over and your replies are gone and you have to move. I hate it. I hate it so much. I fucking hate it so much. I should get an app.

Max, get an app.

AlexYou okay? You okay?

MerlinNo, no, no. I'm fine. I'm very grateful. So that's what's happened with Jeremy Renner. Did you have any more Jeremy Renner content, Alex? Are you aware of his Amazon store?

AlexI am now aware of his Amazon store. I thought that would also disappear, but nope, still up there.

MerlinYou can find out what the bow and arrow guy, the bow and arrow guy, can suggest archery equipment to you.

MaxThe thing that was so, so basically, I don't, I didn't even know this was a program Amazon had, but I guess that Amazon has certain celebrities or whatever, influencers have like a like a shop on Amazon and what it is is a page of products that they like endorse or recommend and it and it has a special layout on Amazon which is actually a pretty like special and resource intensive thing that you get on Amazon they basically it's it's what we used to

Merlincall a thin affiliate a thin affiliate store like you basically skin you know you get like a you know an ID tag but like yeah so like you'll see I just saw an ad for today click here for this like whatever it's called the Jeremy Renner collection or whatever but yeah and it's just weird do you think there are people at Amazon who reach out to celebrities to do that? I think probably for sure.

MaxI think I mean I think clearly Jeremy Renner's got some sort of publicist team that's like you know hey like get get me out there and this publicist is in knows all these tech people right and he's taking meetings and doing sales with this app company and Amazon. It's probably somebody my age

Merlinit's somebody right on the cusp of being a boomer. Jeremy Renner probably doesn't barely even knows

Maxthat this all this shit is happening right he just goes on a photo shoot once a year and then they use the photos but it's just what's so funny about the amazon thing because he's he's uh endorsing and selling all this outdoor gear you know you know boots and face paint and compound bows and it's just knives and shit and you know like industrial like bear repellent and and it's like it's so fucking funny do people think are there amazon shoppers who go and they're like oh oh jeremy renner like i remember him he's yeah he has like superpowers with a bow and arrow i should

Merlinget the same gear he uses.

MaxDo people know that that's a comic book? That's not real, right? It's not like Jeremy Renner is really good at bow and arrow, and so they hired him to play Hawkeye because he was good at bow and arrow. You don't think that was the case, huh? No, I don't think he really has those powers.

MerlinIt's like back in the day on blogs, there used to be a thing that us blogging types would notice, which was sometimes a celebrity would just be mentioned and I had fun with this in an audio piece I did once, but you would find these odd comments from people who, like, there would be an article that mentioned Oprah. And suddenly there's somebody in the comments speaking as, not only as though Oprah was the person who wrote the article, but basically as though Oprah was there

and would see the remarks. And this could be, this is also the kind of thing where people are saying, oh, Max, what's the thing with the Iraqi dinar, where people bought all the Iraqi dinars, and what's the phrase in the community for that?

MaxThey think Trump's going to revalue the deal.

MerlinYeah, exactly. And so they're constantly talking to Donald Trump and begging him to please do that revaluation so they can become millionaires. But it's all the people who are just talking to strangers. It's so strange. And so I guess the idea is you come across this. Jeremy Renner presents, colon, the fall outdoor event. Check out his curated storefront, deep discounts, and tons more. Literally tons more. This is a boomer. A boomer wrote this. No way is this person under 55, whoever put this together.

Alexare there other renner type stores i can't find another record heaven ain't got a name

Merlinhe's got his new record heaven ain't got a name wait that's it right what what what's happening

Maxis this real no oh no no this is the thing alex it's in the chop it's all in the chopper episode

Merlini'm so glad you're bringing this to us jeremy renner or his people are having a big moment right now. There's some kind of weird ass B-list this whole full frontal attack that the team Renner is doing and I'm not sure where they're going with it. So we get stuff like the Amazon store, we get his album, we get his app. I don't even know what else is out there. We should explore the Rennerverse and find out what is there other stuff we don't know about.

MaxCan you get a cameo? Can you get a cameo? Do by Friday into the Rennerverse.

MerlinOkay. Let's do this one more time. First

MaxI'm the one and only Jeremy Renner.

MerlinNo, I'm the bow and arrow, man.

MaxI saw a funny, I saw a good tweet I wanted to tell you guys about. I'm curious what you guys think about this. Love a tweet. This was a tweet from a Denver Post reporter, Meg Wingarder, and she says, From my inbox, a proposal to protect schools from shooters by installing a sprinkler system that sprays olive oil so an attacker would fall and not be able to get to the classrooms.

MerlinWhat could possibly go wrong? Can I read that again? Is it EVOO?

MaxIs it extraversion? Oh, well, I think you're getting cold press first press or why bother? Okay, yeah. So here's the tweet again. This is a journalist from the Denver Post. And she goes, from my inbox, a proposal to protect schools from shooters by installing a sprinkler system that sprays olive oil so an attacker would fall and not be able to get to the classrooms.

MerlinAnd it would be peculiar to just the attacker. There would be some kind of an X in a net so that the olive oil only affected the attacker. Nobody else would slip in it. Do they get slip resistant? Maybe they get some face-off boots. Right. Face-off prison boots so nobody else falls down except for the attacker.

MaxSo you're saying it's going to create a – it's sort of the Titanic model of crisis management where you're going to be – now here's the thing is that you're going to slick up those hallways real good with the olive oil. Yes. Right? And so the shooter is contained in an area, right? Now here's the problem. All the other people are in there too and they can't run away because the floors are covered in olive oil. Right.

MerlinHow would the children get out and how would the first responders get in? Are they thinking of the first responders?

MaxI mean, I think this could be a big business. I mean, listen, let me put it this way. I think America, what is America looking for? Solutions to school shootings. And we're not going to do any of the obvious stuff that works. We're looking for what I would describe as like Acme Corporation style shenanigans.

MerlinIt involves a teeter board and an anvil.

MaxYeah. Okay.

AlexThe only thing that stops a bad guy with an anvil.

MerlinIs a good guy with some olive oil. But we also want clean energy. So what you do is we're eating better. We want clean energy. So we're going to take the French oil to run the first responders vehicles. Also, that same oil, it doesn't need to be first press necessarily unless it is a private school. If it's a public school, you can get that shake, the shake weed of oil. Any kind of oil will do. And you just spray that egregiously and maybe set it on fire.

MaxOK, so let me throw out an idea here. And, you know, there's no wrong answers in brainstorming, right? Let's try to, you know, we'll try to yes and here.

AlexThere's no stupid questions, just stupid people.

MaxYeah. but here's what I'm thinking what if you had some sort of system where when the shooter shows up you've got a juicy piece of cherry pie and he gets distracted from the shooting

MerlinIs it cooling on a windowsill? Is it a pie

Maxon a windowsill? I think it's aromatic and maybe he smells the smell waves and he begins to float but then when he gets near the pie a baby grand piano falls on him

MerlinIt's a way to bring music back to our schools What do you think about that? I think that's such a good idea. So the key is to figure out what kind of pie is going to be most enticing to a potential angry killer. So the thing is we can't stop the guns. God knows we can't stop the ammunition. But we can certainly introduce the pies.

MaxOkay. What if every school is – okay. How about this? What if you do a painting of a tunnel?

MerlinSee, this is exactly my thinking. My thinking is that you do. You have a Trump loyal tunnel that says shooters exit here. And there's a painting of a pie on it.

MaxOh, okay. Where it's like, okay, wait a minute. No, no, no. You know what? No, they're going to see straight through that. But you know what you need to say is like, it would be like bullies and cheerleaders this way. Oh, that's even better. Because that's who you're going for, right?

AlexOh, my God. Oh, wait. Okay.

MerlinSo what you're saying is maybe it's not a tunnel. Maybe it's an extremely – maybe you get like a Chuck Close to come in and do an extremely realistic door that says stuck-up bitches in here. Yes. And then right next to it, so it's got stuck-up bitches and chads. And then you choose the door. Yes.

MaxYou choose the door. Okay. So you're going to have some sort of thing where it's like a big poster and it's like chad meeting, meeting of the chads happening this way.

MerlinOh, meeting of the chads. No never alones allowed. Forever alones. What do they call them on 4chan? And the guys who, like incels, no incels allowed.

AlexBlack pills? No black pills. There's incels, yeah.

MaxAnd then you've got some sort of tiger pit in front of it with spikes. Okay.

MerlinBut you would, that's good. And that's also, it's easier than cleaning up oil at a school.

AlexOh, that's very true.

MerlinYou know, the janitors are already very busy.

AlexMm-hmm. Blood, you can absorb that pretty well with a sponge. Yeah. From what I'm told.

MaxWhat other systems do you think we could have to foil potential school shootings? What's a complicated problem?

AlexWhat if the school just has an escort at every entrance? You know how there's like... A hooker?

MerlinSorry, a sex worker?

AlexAny sort. Yes, a hooker.

MerlinSo you bring in an escort. Okay.

AlexYeah. And they just, instead of having a metal detector, you just have that person at every door.

MerlinOh, and she distracts him with her feminine wiles?

AlexYeah.

MerlinSo you get a sex worker, you hire a sex worker, you get him like a yellow vest, but a very revealing maybe with like a push-up vest and then that does like a waistcoat and then they're by

Alexevery door saying uh hello handsome um exactly right exactly would they have some sort of and they're like oh your jawline is fantastic like there's a little script for alex what's the uh

Maxi feel like there's got to be some tech angle here you know so we can wet our beaks or are they going to have are you thinking some sort of rocket shoes or like like a big spring-loaded

Alexsledgehammer. Oh, I see. So that if it like prevention in case it doesn't, it doesn't work.

MerlinBut also, I think I think if I understand Max, what he's saying is it's all well and good to protect the children and the escorts and the first responders. But like, how do we wet our beak in the sense of we would like to see a recurring subscription fee for some kind of a spring loaded gun that we install at the school or or we you know what anvils as a service. It could be something where you keep this there. Do you know when I was in when I was in high

Maxschool my town that i grew up in they bought into some sort of program oh fuck i wish i remembered what it is and it was an acronym it was like safe for respect and it was like you know and it was something like that and it was like every symbol every letter like it was like one of those like bad wedding speeches yeah like dare like like like dare yeah yeah but it was like it stands for like you know like like uh bravery like like honesty or whatever and it was like and it was like a package it was like some sort of like fucking music man came to our town and sold this to the

city and they put it on the back of all the stop signs and then another territory yeah they they put it on the back of all the stop signs in town and then they and then they like had a big roll out in the school and it was like they all they were doing was yelling a bunch of you know adjectives

Merlinat us right they were like they tear a phone book in half throw a frisbee through the net

Maxthey were like yeah these are our eight things and it's like you know courage honesty true you And I was like, what the fuck? Like, who bought that?

MerlinBut there are curricula. Max, there's so much curricula like that where it's just plug and play. It's got a clever name, like you say. But there's a curriculum that gets introduced to something. And you say like, okay, we suddenly had this budget open up for morality and ethics or whatever. And then there's companies there. You could have a Pearson, somebody who's ready to come in with a productized, acronymized idea that you can plug and play. That kind of thing, right? And all the letters are meaningful.

MaxYeah.

MerlinI think we could do that. Now, what would ours be? Oh, it would be ACME. It would be ACME. ACME. Academic care means everything.

AlexOh.

MerlinRight? But you got ACME. Just for the sake of argument, you get a box of, I don't know, ACME mousetraps for academic independence. and then those get dropped out of like a big door or a big sack. No, you get an Acme sack. You get a sack of mousetraps that are loaded. Those fall down. The incel steps onto those. And now you're going to re-up that subscription. Like no problem. You might even get the thing from Apple that says your subscription is about to –

I need the Acme mousetraps. It could be a whole line.

Alexi'm i'm going with the the the like the reverse condoms with the teeth i'm i'm reverse condoms with teeth okay yes and i put these i put these in the guinea me for this one oh this yeah oh no alex oh no wait what oh no oh what is this yes oh yes it is who does it is it

MerlinDoes it hurt the Chad or the lady?

AlexNo, it hurts the Chad. Okay. The lady puts it up there. The incel.

MaxCan you explain this from the beginning? Just imagine someone is.

MerlinOh, Alex. This is a very abrupt pivot for Acme.

MaxImagine, Alex. Imagine there's people listening to this and they're not looking at your phone.

MerlinImagine they don't have this Wired article from 2007 in front of them.

AlexI was addressing Merlin. Now I shall address you, the audience. Hello. Hello. There is a product that was developed for actually for folks in Africa so that they wouldn't be assaulted for.

MerlinSo it's not good enough for us. Is that what you're saying?

AlexYeah. Yeah. Basically. But but it looks like a vagina dentata, which is this folklore thing with a vagina with teeth inside. Yeah. And it looks like a condom. But or I don't know what would you.

MerlinIt works on the same premise as a raccoon trap. Here's the problem with a raccoon. A raccoon does not understand. He sticks his hand into the box, and all the little punchy stakes are going into his little hand now. He doesn't understand. All he needs to do is let go of the nut or whatever raccoons eat, and he can pull it straight out. In this case, you're saying that Chad comes in.

AlexHe literally comes in. Oh, man. lined with 25 razor sharp teeth,

Merlinwhich fasten to an attacker's penis if he attempts penetration. Just the tip? Even just the tip?

AlexJust the tip. Just the tip. And you need to sell it as a subscription service. And I don't think you would get a subscription service with the mousetraps because it seems like these are one use only.

MerlinYeah, but I mean, pick up any bottle of water and it's got an expiration date on it. If you tell people that their teeth vagina... or cups or their mouse traps or their escorts or even potentially the Trump loyals. The Trump loyals, maybe it has a disappearing paint, or maybe it turns into a pro-violence message if you don't re-up with us.

You know what? Maybe it turns into an ad for vape. If you don't re-up, you're Trump loyal. And we know what we mean here. It's like when you painted a fake tunnel on something, right? But maybe it has an actual tunnel behind it. We just don't tell you. And so if someone does run into the painting, it turns out it's actually a tunnel. You should have bought the upgrade where we don't actually install a tunnel. So it's all there in the document.

First, you have to solve my riddle.

AlexIt is a morning. Wow. Or an afternoon. What time? Oh, it's afternoon for us. Bird spotting. Are you going to be okay? We started a little bit late today. Are you going to be able to have your pho at your regular time?

MerlinOh, no, I'm great. I'm great. Oh, my cool baby comes home on her own now.

AlexOh.

MerlinI know. We had a challenge, kind of. Let's save the challenge for the after show. It's too depressing.

AlexThat's not what. Okay. That was a weird thing to say. Why is it? I mean, I think I know why it's depressing. But pretend.

MerlinGuess what? You guys got got. I already talked about it.

MaxWe got cocked?

MerlinWe got cocked by Syracuse.

MaxDoes he have a better jawline than us?

MerlinHardly. God damn it.

MaxI'm going to shoot up this podcast.

MerlinNo, Slenderman beat you to it.

AlexHe's stealing revenue from us, really?

MaxHe's getting all the cheerleaders. Wow.

MerlinI think I'm blackpilled.

MaxOh my gosh.

MerlinHe loves the internet. I could see him going on a forum.

MaxAlexa, how do you buy a gun? Oh, oh, no.

AlexNo, no, no. Alexa, stop. Alexa, stop. Stop. Stop. Please. Alexa, order a gun. Alexa, stop. Alexa, stop. Alexa, confirm. Alexa, confirm. Alexa, stop.

Speaker AStop.

AlexStop.

Speaker AAlexa, thank a first responder.

MaxConfirm, confirm. Oh, happy 9-11, guys.

AlexUh, yeah.

MaxI was only waiting this long to see if you remembered, but, you know, I guess I'm the only one who's remembering 9-11. Did you? Oh, sorry. Did you see the Giuliani video? Oh, no.

MerlinWhat happened? Oh, dear. Oh, there's so many good layers to this.

MaxShould we watch this together? Yes.

MerlinSure. Let's go to the Twitter account of the mayor of 9-11.

MaxWait, so are we not doing our challenge? We're not going to talk about Apple?

MerlinNo, we can do it. That's fine. That's fine. We can totally do it. Never mind. Never mind. We'll forget. We'll have to show. Have to show. Where can you hear us talk about Rudolph Giuliani, the mayor of tragedy? Where can you hear us talk about him?

MaxOh, you can hear that and all of my carefully laid out plans to take down this, the cruel podcast that's cucked and blackpilled me as I turn into a corn cob a corn cob at giveusyourfuckingmoney.com and support the Dubai Friday Patreon now you're probably wondering how you know because we could be years away from actually bringing any of our wonderful Acme products to market to protect the children and you're probably wondering how can you support us

until we get these things until we're up and running because we do project hockey stick growth I mean like you know there's that we could literally sell the hockey sticks it's like as Nathan Fielder says when some guy's like I don't think this is going to work and he goes no I've run it through in my head at many I've run it through in my head a lot and it works every time he goes every time I run it through in my head it works perfectly why is it

Merlinwhen he says the phrase my beard I laugh and laugh I was in disguise so I decided to wear my beard

Maxhelp us support

Merlinthe children and thank the first responders.

MaxThat's right. That's right. I mean, yeah, we're developing our various... Do you know how many

Merlinof these kids could be future troops? Have you thought about that? Yeah, you're bullying a future troop. Keep them alive for now. That's what we say.

MaxListen, not out of respect. We could be years away from our cherry pie bear trap technology. So please support us. Go to giveusyourfuckingwending.com. You give us $5 a month what do you get in exchange you get access to the super secret private rss feed of the dubai friday after show that's where we plan out next week's challenge most weeks the weeks that i'm here we remember to do it of course if i leave everything goes to shit but uh that's where we plan out the next week's challenge so you can follow also also tell them about the discourse tell about the discord what's it follow along at home oh yes and we also have well this is not just

for our patreon members but in fact for all of the wonderful listeners of the dubai friday uh nation out there. We have a Discord server and that's where you can gather to talk and it's actually a very wonderful and friendly little corner of the internet that is well moderated by our outstanding moderator team and I think the link to that will be in the show notes. I don't remember how people join that but maybe someone on the Discord will buy us like a vanity URL or something like that so that we can say it on the podcast. Come and join us. People are always doing

nice things for each other and they're like I don't know they're like buying each other pizzas and making nice comments and talking about the news. I don't know what they do in there. They have a whole civilization. They're scurrying around and chitter-chattering and things. It's very nice to watch from above.

AlexI lurk often, and I'm like, how can strangers be this nice to each other on the internet? Because we've made a regime.

MerlinWe keep waiting for it to break.

AlexThat's true.

MaxHonestly, anyone who – I've empowered – I had trained the mods early. I trained them like child soldiers, and I was just like, you have to kill indiscriminately and feel nothing. And so anyone who crosses, anyone who they get a weird vibe from, they just terminate them from the server.

AlexYeah, if I find you vaguely upsetting, nope, nope, no more, no more.

MerlinIt's not my job. Here's the thing in life. It's not my job to explain why you're creepy.

MaxYeah.

MerlinYou know, that's the thing. That's the thing. I'll try to give you some pointers on the journey, but I'm not going to cancel anything to take the time to tell you why you're being creepy.

MaxBig rookie mistake. Sometimes people join the server and a lot of people on the server have modified their usernames to put their pronouns in. And one of the first things people will do when they join the server occasionally is they'll make some joke. They'll do funny pronouns and they'll make some comment about it. Guess what? You're getting fucking banned right away.

MerlinOnly I'm allowed to do that.

MaxDo you know how lame? It's not even that it's offensive. Do you know what a bad joke that is? I don't want to hang out with you. That's a bad joke.

AlexI did it.

MaxNo bad jokes allowed.

AlexI did it first. I did it first. But you're different.

MerlinYou're special. You're privileged.

AlexYou're allowed to do it.

MaxYou're above the law. It's different when you do it.

AlexYou're basically a god to these people. I haven't plugged my other shoulder there. I keep thinking maybe I should. I don't know. Go in and add everybody.

MaxYou're basically a deity to these people. You can't stop it at this point. They're all there because they think you might post a picture of your feet someday.

AlexI've been thinking if you... I think I might put a picture of my hand in the Discord. Whoa.

MerlinYour good hand or your problematic hand? Oh no

AlexYou're fucked up Dumbledore hand Yeah My Franken hand It's getting It's something She has a silver hand

MaxNo no It's the Dumbledore She has a crumpled up Little wizard hand

MerlinOh I thought you meant I thought you were talking about When Peter Parker gets the silver hand And he's so grateful

MaxNo it's Alex drank the poison No what is it No she put the curse Oh sorry

MerlinI made the wrong reference

MaxShe put the curse ring on And then her hand got all Oh that Dumbledore hand And then you gotta put it In the water fountain Yes

MerlinNo spoilers Okay, okay.

MaxWell, no, I think soon she'll be drinking the, she'll drink the insanity poison. It's fine. Everything's fine. That might be the piss water.

AlexOh, dear big business boys, do we want to talk about the thing that Kevin has?

MaxNo, let's just let's send it. Oh, I'll say, well, here's what I'll say. What's happening? We have another, we have another layer of the Patreon. Another layer of the Patreon. And that's for our elite $10 people. These are our real killers who would, you know, eventually they'll kill for us. And if you sign up on the $10 level, we just send you little treats in the mail. And it's been a while since we sent a little treat in the mail. But we have a fucking banger coming probably, I would say, in the next, I think we're probably, what, three or four weeks out maybe?

AlexI don't know.

MaxWrite the thing. Okay.

AlexI am going to say. It's a banger. It's really.

MerlinWell, easy. Let's manage expectations.

AlexYeah. Let's not do that. I'm going to say. You'll probably get it by the end of the year.

MerlinYou'll get it sometime in 2022.

AlexYou'll get it when you get it.

MerlinYou get what you get and you don't get upset. You'll get it during Trump's second term.

AlexOh, boy. Second of eight. Oh, man. Oh, boy. Well, I didn't say last.

MerlinHe's threading. He's threading. He's threading his administration. Yeah.

AlexI will just tease this out and say that I am very excited to use this product because I haven't been able to for a while. So by the time I get it, I will be able to play with it. And I'm excited.

MerlinYou're making it sound a lot like a dildo.

Speaker AAll right.

MaxIt's a fun. Let's not, don't get too excited. It's a fun little do-by-friday gigaw. Yes. I mean, why are we doing it? It's we want your money, and you can go to giveusyourfuckingmoney.com. You give us $5, or if you want a treat, if you want to be a good boy and you want a treat, you give us $10, and you'll get a little gigaw that we'll send you in the mail. Okay, our challenge this week was to watch the Apple keynote, which we did. Yes.

AlexIn our theater, in our office, in complete darkness.

MaxIn the Steve Jobs Theater.

AlexIf you die, can we call it the Temkin Theor? The Temkin Village.

MaxIf I die, I'm going to die.

AlexIf you die and... I'll let you die. I tried to destroy your city.

Speaker AI won't allow you to die.

AlexWe'll circle back to this. Whether or not he can die.

MaxI like how you say if you die.

AlexI know. Well, well... I'm dying. I'm dying.

MerlinSo the challenge was to watch the Apple keynote, the September event in which they announced the iPhone and other things took place at the Steve Jobs Theater in a spaceship. And they talked about a bunch of stuff, introduced some new products.

MaxAlex, your reactions go. You got very excited. You got very excited with the purple phone. That's what I remember.

AlexThat was all right. All right. This keynote was a roller coaster for me because after, you know, the whole Apple TV plus announcement, which is their streaming service, where they're basically giving it away for free and begging people, please, please buy this. You bought an iPhone here.

Speaker ARight.

AlexYou get it for the whole year for free.

MaxWe'll also throw in a U2 album. For $4.99 a year, Tim Cook will show you his feed on Apple TV.

AlexPlease, please, please.

MaxI can't wait to see what you do with this.

AlexI am genuinely excited about Apple Arcade. And there was a slide showing off a bunch of the games that will be coming.

MaxDid they give a price for that?

AlexYes, it's also $4.99.

MaxOh, I'll pay for the fuck out of that.

MerlinFor a family. That's a good price for everybody gets it.

AlexYeah, it's pretty good. And like Apple TV games too. And you can see in the top left corner, friend of the show, Zach Gage is making a game with Pendleton Ward.

MerlinWait, I know that name. What's that name from?

AlexAdventure Time Guy.

MerlinOh, Penn from, okay, yeah, yeah, yeah, okay.

AlexYeah, yeah.

MerlinWow.

AlexReally?

MerlinThat's cool.

AlexRight, right? I should use the internet more.

MerlinI'm way behind on this.

AlexI was zooming into all the things. I'm like, wait, wait, what's happening? What's happening?

MerlinDid you know that was Finn's original name?

AlexOh, was Penn?

MerlinYeah, in the pilot he's Penn.

AlexThat, that, oh, I, okay, I, well, I don't want to talk about the pilot. The pilot's very good and I quote it all the time. It's so good. It's very good. It's so weird. I love it. I love it. Mathematical. Oh, ah, okay. So then, then we get to the iPhone 11, which is gorgeous because finally, finally, finally, there's a purple iPhone. But of course there's no telephoto lens. There are two lenses, but one is a widescreen lens, not a telephoto lens.

MerlinAre you talking about the less costly one or the more costly one?

AlexThe iPhone 11, which is the less costly one. That is just the iPhone 11. There's no Pro Plus maximum involved with this. It's the one that comes in pretty colors. I got all excited. But then the big boys came out, the iPhone Pros. and seriously though that camera wow not even so much the photography but the video shit you can do oh my god okay alright

I'm rebooting

MerlinTim said that we'll enjoy it he actually demanded it

AlexI'm very excited to see what I do with it

Speaker APhil was very aggressive about letting us know that we will

Merlinlove this but it does look cool and also you can make a Hollywood movie with it That's why it's pro.

MaxAll right. I lost my shit. I had to leave halfway through the keynote because I had actual work to do. Wow. You know, I was hoping that my partner would call me and tell me that they were transitioning their gender, and then I'd be like, not now. I'd cross the app at the keynote.

It looks really nice to the camera. It does look very cool. But when they showed the app where you can record all the camera angles simultaneously and then later edit between them, I lost my shit, especially the front and back. camera together. I mean, I'm going to use that. That's a really perfect documentary. That's an unbelievable. That's that's actually like different and better than I own a lot of weird, weird cameras. I mean, I have like a one of those little 360 cameras and a little I have, you know, stabilized cameras. You know, we have a lot of weird little camera devices. I am telling you,

there is nothing on the market like that. That is a unique. Yes, that is years ahead of its time. that is really like a like a little it's like a little you know thing like message in a bottle from the future it's very like old school apple to just drop that all of a sudden there's and

Alexand just be like yeah this is a thing now i i like my my jaw genuinely dropped and i made a weird noise that upset kevin budnick uh also film make pro is an app that's been around forever and you can get it now i highly highly recommend it i got that i i started i started using that when we did

Merlinthe video blogging challenge and got the DJI mobile. Alex, what does it do?

AlexIt just has better manual controls and you can...

MerlinAnd it's supported by that gimbal, so you can do stuff, whereas you can't do...

AlexYeah, I don't use that.

MerlinSorry, what gimbal?

AlexThe DJI. Oh, it is. Don't we all get that? Yeah.

MerlinThey have a new one that looks really good, too.

AlexI'm in denial about it because I'm not going to buy it. Here, all right.

MaxSo wait, can you tell me what... I don't understand.

AlexOkay, part of the first.

MaxWhat does that have to do with the gimbal? I'm trying to get my head around it.

AlexPart the first. There's an app called Filmic Pro that allows you to just take advantage of the iPhone camera in a more granular way because you can set the eye.

MerlinYou get to pick combinations of resolution.

AlexRight.

MerlinAll the various things, more options.

AlexWell, and also you can set focus and stuff that a real camera can do. It's like Halide for video. Yeah. Yes, yes. I love Halide. Part II, it integrates with the DJI iPhone gimbal as well as I think another. Sorry, yes, yes.

MaxBut when you say it integrates, I'm trying to understand what does that mean. Max, Max, Max, Max. There's a handheld gimbal that I thought we all bought. I own it. I own it. But what I'm trying to understand is how does the app.

MerlinOh, my God. You seek first to understand. It does not support many, many different kinds of apps. This one integrates with it so that you can open up the Filmic Pro mobile video app, which is a very capable video shooting app for iOS. And what you can do is you can then – it will enable you to use and manipulate the Osmo mobile like they work together. That's the thing.

AlexRight. You know the little nubbin? I'm following you.

MaxI'm following you that the app works with the gimbal. And what I'm trying to understand is what does that mean?

AlexYou know the little nubbin on the gimbal that allows you to just move it around? Yeah, the joystick. Yeah. Okay, so it's not called the gimbal clit? Great. Sorry, sorry. I'm not going to eat today, am I? We're having a week. Okay. The reason why that works better is you can push the buttons and it will automatically go. You can set it to different things like follow focus or change the iris.

Oh, so it's basically. It integrates with the hardware in a way that you can manipulate the software via the little dinguses on it.

MaxSo the little buttons on the gimbal work even when you're in the other app.

MerlinThe hardware understands the software and the software understands the hardware.

MaxNo, that part I get. Exactly. I mean, what you could say is they work together. I never know if it's my fault anymore. What features, so I'm with you. What I want to know is like, what can you do with that? What features? They said it's still at the warehouse.

Alexoh oh and always on Apple Watch

MaxI'm excited to see what I do with it

Alexyeah yeah I'm excited you will love it I can even more subtly look at my

Merlinyou fucking whore you will love it you will love it so fucking much you will buy this you're a goose I am the gavage you will buy all of these things and you will be happy you will love them you will be happy buy them buy the green phone buy the green phone and you will be happy

MaxI did get a big laugh when they showed the always on watch because like the whole pitch for that is like don't you fucking hate how you go to look at your watch and it's off I guess what now it's got a compass what kind of animal lives their life where they look down and their watch is off I mean how could we go how could you wake up and get out of bed

MerlinI just tap it with my nose and I can see what time it is

Maxwhat yeah how could you people who filthy animals go through your miserable lives without being able to look at your watches. What is wrong with you people? Anyway, we have a new watch where it's always on and everyone's just like, ah!

AlexOkay, no, no.

MerlinI don't think you understand. Are you getting it, people? Are you getting this? Are you getting this? It's a watch where you can look at it and you'll see what time it is. Are you getting this?

AlexHold on, hold on.

MerlinAnytime, there's time for time. the time to look is now because you know you don't have to use your nose who knows

Maxreal time follow up I've sent out to my network this program I was talking about that they had in my hometown with the acronyms that was on the back of the street the music man and I have it it's called the six pillars of character I don't know the six pillars of I'm reading from the city website honesty, grit, blood, sweat, toil, tears, regular BMs. So I'm looking at it.

Oh, so here they are. I'm going to read from the website, but I'll just jump ahead and say the six building blocks of character, trustworthiness, respect, responsibility, fairness, caring, and citizenship.

AlexShit-a-ship.

Speaker AShit-a-ship. Shit-a-ship.

AlexShit-a-ship.

MaxShit-a-ship. Shit-a-ship.

Speaker AOh.

MaxLet me read the little spiel. The six pillars of character is an integral part of the Highland Park community philosophy. This is so William Bennett. To become more productive citizens of the future. This is so Bennett. Children's need to develop a set of core values so that they can build on and call on throughout their lives to guide their behavior and attitudes. They also need adults serving as role models of good character. Six building blocks of character, trustworthiness, respect, responsibility, fairness, caring, and citizenship form the foundation of character education.

These building blocks are inseparable parts of a complete attitude that will help children reduce risk behaviors, improve achievement, and develop personal integrity and for adults to live together in a civil manner. This is a bunch of fucking gobbledygook. It doesn't mean anything. It's pure.

MerlinIt's pure. It's not even boomer. It's just it's so fucking Bill Bennett. You remember Bill Bennett and the entire fucking rolling shit show of him in the 90s and his virtue books and all that stuff? Remember how he'd go on and on and on about virtue? It's that same. And then, of course, what? Was it a gambling problem that he had?

MaxIt's just subliterate pablum. Honestly, I think a Markov chain generator could—

MerlinYeah, no, it's that 50s citizenship, shit-a-shit-ship kind of bullshit.

MaxIt's crazy.

Merlinit's crazy oh boy that's a that's a long acronym but i think we could make it work s-h-i-t-i-s that's a long acronym but that's a lot of these goals cannot be i swear to god this is written by

Maxa markov chain generator that went to like a leadership course and got an mba these goals cannot be they were probably you know what i think that one of the people who reported me for marijuana in college. They probably took some sort of fucking leadership class and now they sell this. They go town to town selling this program. These goals cannot be accomplished through the efforts of any one teacher, parent, or institution. The responsibility for developing a nation of morally conscious students must be shared by all. Only through shared commitment can we hope to raise the level of character consciousness.

What the fuck? Well, those are words. It's drivel. It's drivel.

MerlinYou know what it is? It's like the thing that nobody It's like the secret. There's a secret that nobody tells you until you're old enough that you can't turn away from the life that you've already had. And that secret is that for most of your public schooling, you're going to learn how to stand in line and not be a problem. Pretty much everything you do up through a certain grade. Yeah, I mean, like the thing is, it's all it's just a series of different kind of like shittish and ship Turing tests to make sure that you are compliant.

That's what it is. And in this case, look at every one of these. Tell me, I hope I'm looking at the right thing here. So you've got, oh my God, it's all the shit adults want you to think makes you successful in life. Trustworthiness. Yeah, stand in line. Respect.

Speaker AStand in line.

MerlinResponsibility. Stand in line. Fairness. Well, it's only fair to stand in line. Caring. The best way to show caring is to stand in line. And six, shittish and shit. Stand in line. Did you just step out of line? What's number five? Caring. Do we care by getting out of line?

MaxNo. I can't wait to buy a new watch.

MerlinWhat about self-restraint? Do you have self-restraint? How's your citizenship? Check your citizenship game.

AlexOh, wait, wait, wait, wait. I can't wait to buy a new watch.

MaxWhat did you order? What did you order? What did you order?

AlexYeah, didn't you order a watch already? I did.

MaxI got the black. I got the same one I always get, but I did the black metal. I think, does Marco have the black metal? And it looks dope. It looks so cool. Black metal. Is that the one where they burn churches in Sweden?

AlexYeah, I think so. Midsommar. Did you get like a Milanese loop? Yeah, I got the same. I love this. Oh, yeah.

MerlinThat's a sucker's game. You can always get aftermarket bands.

AlexNo. Well, I think I'm going to pull a Max and tell the story again. I have both Milanese loops because my mom bought them for me because she didn't want me wearing a sports band at fancy events. And I really, really like them. They're a good little fidget.

MerlinWow, that's super passive aggressive, Mom.

AlexWhat pillar of character was that? Merlin, what treats did you get?

MerlinWhatever they tell me to get. I'm a goose and they'll feed me till they're done.

MaxI'm a little pay piggy. I'm going to buy all the shit.

MerlinThis feeds into a challenge idea that I have. Oh, wait.

MaxSorry. I'm a nasty little apple pig. You're a nasty pig boy. I hope they step on me. I hope they make four pro phones this year. I hope every quarter there's a new profile and they have more nits in the screen.

MerlinIf you hit me in the balls with a phone really hard, it would hurt so much.

MaxYeah. Yeah. They've all got us strapped out in that James Bond chair and they're just pummeling our nuts. And they're just like, and they're just, no. And they're like, look at the color depth. You have to have it. And I do have to have it.

MerlinI promise I'll buy it. Can I go? I promise. It's Dolby Atmos. How many nits? How many nits? I don't know. what pillar did I break

Show notes

Transcript

149. Regional Knife Law

Show notes

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