148. Bopium

AlexThis is Do By Friday, a weekly challenge podcast with Merlin Mann, Alex Cox, and Max Temkin. This week's challenge, watch Finding Francis, the season finale of Nathan For You.

Let's call Merlin first and then see what happens.

Speaker BI like the mischief in your voice right there. Good morning.

AlexGood morning, Merlin. I'm sorry I'm late.

MerlinHi, Alex. How are you?

AlexOh, I'm great. Oh, boy. Oh, boy. Opioids, they're a thing, aren't they? Oh, my goodness. I know, right? We're going to call Max and see if he picks up. Guess who else is here. Guess who else is here.

Speaker BOh, shit, dog. Dream team.

Speaker ADream, dream team. Jen and Kevin by Friday. Yeah. Welcome to Thoughts for Your Thoughts. I'm Derry Murbles filling in for David Parker.

MerlinI'm Florian Margot Bliss. I'm Carol Ann Clark Kelly Todd Penis.

Speaker ADavid Parker took eight months to study the migration patterns of squirrels. He has not been heard from since. This is thoughts for your thoughts.

MerlinDoris Flabonian has been studying crows since 1954.

AlexCutting it off, cutting it off. The bit is over.

Merlinyou had a good run though

Speaker Bhi

AlexI never thought it would be the day

Speaker Bthat Alex had to kill a bit

AlexI know I didn't oh look at me

Merlinopioids opioid you taking your opioids popioid

Alexcut this out if it's insensitive

Speaker Aand not good at it really that's the part you want to cut out of everything that the show has ever discussed that's the part that you're like you know what that's insensitive go go go opioid that's not

Alexhow i would have edited the show no yeah there was like a wanda sykes bit from a while ago like man white people like the white people so white they can always get opioids and turns out really true in a scary upsetting yeah how easy has it been for you i they just won't stop giving them to me elixir how are you doing oh i'm doing all right i have people are listening to the after show, which you should be, go to patreon.com. What?

MerlinWhat's happening?

AlexWhat is happening? Patreon.com slash Dubai Friday. It's so cool that you guys are giving us all your money this month. Yes. Thank you. All of the money. You can hear last week's after show where I talk about surgery prep.

MerlinI thought you were buying your top surgery. I don't understand what's happening. What is happening? I thought Timmy Tumor was covered by cards against insurance. What's happening? Hold on.

AlexYes.

Speaker BInsurance against humanity.

MerlinJesus Christ. You understand I'm not in the room with you.

AlexNo, I am saying, Merlin, Merlin, okay, hold on. This almost made sense. Opioid. Tweet at me if this made sense. I was referring to last week when we talked about my surgery. And you can go to Dubai Friday. Nope, you can't.

MerlinThat's when you got surgery on your bottom.

AlexWait, patreon.com slash Dubai Friday. And you can hear the after show where we talked about surgery. And surprise, surgery is fine and went well. I'm just on a lot of pain killers. That is what I was talking about.

MerlinAre you deliberately leaving this ambiguous or do you want to say this is not anything?

AlexNo, it's just boring. No, it's just boring. Okay. There was. Oh.

Speaker CBut you said, listen, you told them that's not the kind of surgery they're guessing it is.

AlexOh, they're going to guess that I had like top surgery. No, no, no, no, no. What? You got surgery on your bottom. Or if I got. How would that work? Okay. I don't know. I'm not in the scene.

Speaker CI don't even own a twink. I'm so confused right now.

AlexI'm very confused about my own body right now. Wow.

Speaker BLet me put it on my calendar. Alex, you're going to start noticing a lot of changes.

AlexI'm actually very happy to have Kevin and Jen in the studio today because I realized that it was... Actually, Kevin, I don't know if you were here, but it was like months and months ago where I was like, Max, I can't shuffle your stupid card. Your hand tumor. I actually have an excuse. My hand hurts.

Speaker BI think I was here for that episode, actually.

AlexThat was foreshadowing. Yeah.

Speaker BThey've been setting this up for months. It's a long con.

Speaker AAll for this bit. It's a long con.

Speaker BThis is a plot point.

Speaker AWow. Next time Max asks me to do magic with him, I'm going to be like, oh, my hands. I might have.

MerlinAny medical condition.

Speaker AI might have the same thing Alex has.

AlexOh, no, it's spreading. It's spreading.

MerlinAny ethical magician will accept any excuse. You could just say, I've got a little endometriosis today. I can't touch your cards. It's not going to happen. Move on. You should be able to, you know, like in Japan, you can put a sash across your work area to let people know that you're busy. I think you should be able to ban magic. I think you should be able to make it clear that you consider it a form of assault, and they should move to the next cube.

Speaker AI do say no to Max when he approaches my desk with me. No means no. I hold up my hand and I go, no, no, no. You're coming closer. No, no.

MerlinStay out of my magic space.

AlexNo.

Speaker AThis is a no magic zone.

AlexI thought about getting a spray bottle. No mag. Like, what's the opposite of a magician? Because witches melts, but we should get a rolled up newspaper.

Speaker BHold on. No. Oh, you can shake a can of beans at him?

Speaker ANo.

Speaker CMax is no-no can. No. Down. Down.

Speaker BKennel. Kennel, Max. Kennel.

Speaker AStop it. No close-up magic.

Speaker BYou're a bad magician. Can we get one of those fences that play like a noise that only he can hear? Or a shot caller. A shot caller.

MerlinAn invisible magician fence.

AlexI've often thought about doing like he does a magic trick and then immediately we go into stressful business things. So then it's going to, you know, it's like the Pavlov effect. Or we like do clicker training. Where if he comes up to us and doesn't do a trick, like there's a clip and then he gets a griddle.

Speaker AI like to bargain. I'm like, you can do one magic trick and then we have to talk about work for five minutes.

MerlinOh, it's like a treat that you would give to a German shepherd you're working on.

Speaker BIt's like going to the dentist.

Speaker APut your cards away. Put that away.

MerlinHave you met my comfort magician, Max?

Alexdoes does the market fluctuate on that Jen like if you're closer to a deadline is it like okay

Speaker Aokay oh the closer to a deadline the harder it is to get them to work you know that yeah so I guess

Alexoh man we got to really leverage that market then so I think it should be like one trick a week during like slow season and then get them all built up for like I don't know the holidays or

Speaker Asomething it's a moving target you know it is uh should we try again cameron is he still in retreat land i have no he's on vacation he's he's on vacation veronica oh nice but don't try to break

Alexinto his house because there are multiple people watching it don't do it is that true yeah are you one of them uh matchy is watching janeway which means there are multiple people watching the house

Speaker Bdid they each know that they're watching the house are they sort of watching each other we found out

Alexlast night, Kevin. We definitely... Oh, no!

Speaker BOh, my God.

AlexShould we call Max? We did, and I've gotten a thumbs down from Cameron. Okay. Tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick. Tick, tick. You know, John and Kevin, we've never talked about what you're going to do from this month's Dubai Friday lucrative budget.

Speaker BOh, how we're going to spend our millions of dollars?

AlexYes, five million dollars.

Speaker BI want to live in this sentence.

Speaker AI want Max's cut. I want specifically the amount Max would get and I want you to give it to me.

Speaker BI think that that is fair.

Speaker AMax would also agree.

AlexWhat are you going to buy, though? What would treat?

Speaker BProbably more Pokemon.

AlexOh, I love little treats. Yeah. Wait, you would purchase more Pokemon?

Speaker BNo. To put in my house.

AlexLike real Pokemon? What universe am I living in right now?

Speaker BI don't know. You're on a lot of meds.

AlexI am. Like the virtual ones or a physical one that you can squeeze real hard?

Speaker BA little both. Oh, okay.

AlexYou okay there, Merlin?

MerlinOh, no. This is terrific. You guys need me for this one? I don't know.

AlexNot if you're going to just slander my favorite. No, no.

MerlinSorry. Yes, and. Yes, and. I know Timmy took a lot out of you. Would you like to introduce our guests? or are we going to be all cool and low-key and act like everybody knows who they are?

AlexYou know what? I think we can introduce them for—

Speaker BIn-universe at this point.

AlexAbsolutely.

Speaker AWe're part of the Dubai Friday-Centered Universe.

Speaker BThe DBFEU.

MerlinNo, you're the dream team. You're the absolute— I mean, no, I'm going to drop the bit and say that it's a delight when either of you is on and having both of you is a thrill. It's our friends who like to visit us on the show. It's Jen Bain and Kevin Budnick. And please, each of you say where people can learn more about what you do and where you'd like to be reached or not reached or not reply.

Speaker AOh, hell yeah. Okay. So I have a podcast with my best friend, Train, FriendshipingPodcast.com. We give advice sometimes and talk about friendship. And plants. We talk about plants.

MerlinYou can find out how your friends are like plants.

Speaker AYeah, yeah. We'll spend a lot of time comparing your friends to ferns. Fernshipping. You'll love it. Poor succulents. If you want to harass me on Twitter, my Twitter account is Jen Dangerous with two Ns. feel free to send me all your bad takes. I love it. It fuels me.

Speaker BI drink them up. Kevin, you're up. I am a cartoonist and illustrator. You can subscribe to my Patreon for a dollar a month to read my comics, or you can just follow me on Twitter at Knitted Sweater because I post them for free there as well. If you want to give me a dollar, that's awesome. That's pretty much it.

Speaker AKevin and I are part of Cards Against Humanity. Kevin is the official illustrator of cards. It's all the good posters that you email me and ask if you can have. And I say, yes, but my intern will be the one to send it.

MerlinAnd he's also the official, I like to call you the brand manager.

Speaker AOh, yeah. Oh, yeah, that's right.

MerlinYeah, I make all the. Because you make all of our things. Did you know you did that? You do that. I do do that. You do all the things for us. I do do that. Yeah. You do do that. I do do.

Speaker AThis is off to a great start.

Speaker BSorry, I kind of killed the momentum a little. Cool episode, guys.

MerlinCan you guys check on Alex just real quick? Alex is scream laughing.

Speaker Bokay in a good way alex is on a lot of meds alex has two one and a half diet cokes right now what are all those alex has one and a half diet cokes at she's got a big one one of those half

Speaker Aones and then another cup i got really upset okay so marilyn let me paint a word picture for you

AlexOn my left, there is my sippy cup. It's from the Ello brand of sippy cups because it's easier for me to sip.

Speaker CSo lost.

AlexBecause I only have one hand right now. And then on my right, I have two cans of Diet Coke. One is one of those cute cans that you like to hold and think you're a giant. And one is a normal size. And I couldn't tell which one was colder, so I took them both. And that's why I have two now. But also, it's very upsetting. Plus the sippy cut. And the sippy cup. I'm supposed to stay hydrated. So water and everyone's delicious, nutritious drink, Diet Coke.

Speaker BThe human brain is just a fantastic machine. It is.

MerlinThe way that it works.

Speaker BIt does need occasional maintenance.

AlexIt is fascinating. I think this one's colder.

Speaker CHe needs a little tune-up from time to time.

AlexWhich one's colder?

Speaker CI'll take both.

MerlinOh, me-oh.

AlexOh, I like them cold.

MerlinYeah, me too. Can't get it cold enough for me. I like it real cold.

AlexDid you ever have either of you or all of you? Wow. It's not either when there's more than two people. Oh, boy. Look at this brain genius over here making connections.

Speaker AHer synapses are firing.

AlexGoing all over.

MerlinControl, command, power button on Alex.

Speaker BPower cycle to Alex spot.

MerlinJust cycle or just sing her a little tune. Yeah. So what?

AlexCold beverages. Yeah? Hold up. All right. All right. Oh, there was a perfect temperature on my... Stop it. It's a real question. It's not a bit. There's like a perfect fridge slash freezer temperature, depending on your choice, where you can put a can in for 30 minutes and it doesn't freeze over, but it becomes all like a slushy and it's just magical.

Speaker AOh, that does sound nice. Right?

MerlinOh, my dorm fridge here at the office is whatever that temperature is. It is that.

AlexSee, it's dorm fridges. Yes.

MerlinYeah, because I have the tiniest little bit of ice in every seltzer at work.

AlexI noticed it was so good. And I'm like, is this a leecher or a bug?

MerlinI keep it. It's like a blood boil. I've got to keep it right on the edge. It's edging. I want it to be compliant. But, yeah, I don't want it to be explosive. So back in the day, I put a 12-pack of bush and bottles into a freezer, and that's a bad idea. Especially if you've been drinking. You don't put glass in the freezer. That's a bad idea. but you can get your dorm fridge to be uh just where you'd like it to be because they're not well made they're they're simple machines you know but yeah like a cold beverage are you doing okay you seem like you're doing all right your your work oh no i am i i i'm

Alexrecording this podcast this well i think you do make money though the oh not this month yeah not this month because it's ours normally i would be i would be doing work yeah i didn't it was Cameron's so great. I didn't have to touch any buttons because I came and sat down in the studio and for a real long second thought, which one do I sit at? So that's where I am today.

MerlinCan I ask a question that I've been putting off a little bit? Oh, go for it. And you can feel free to cut this out if it's inappropriate. I mean, you had a medical procedure on your human hand. Has this given you any new opportunities for medical slash robotic appliances? Do you get like a special AI pointing stick or anything? Is there anything that you got to be a little bit more robotic as your meat body fails you a little bit?

AlexUnfortunately, it went better than expected. So I know, I know. However, however.

MerlinWas there a plan B to give you a robot hand?

Alexthere's no there's if you uh some people if they have like if they can't remove the tumor they put in a little device that shoots out radiation at scheduled time it's like the internet of things of tumors but they just put it right in your hand and so i've had to go every morning to get like my little tumor zapped until now to meet tiny tumors no more um but i really wanted this i wanted as a strong word but you know if i had to have it i wouldn't have been against the new miracle

technology that is putting a little radiation machine into my hand uh however however this the pain honestly though not that bad and i keep thinking if i wanted to put a medical device like you know an nfc chip which is totally definitely a medical device it wouldn't hurt that bad

Merlinyou would just like oh you mean you do it yourself a little homebrew project a little

Alexlife hacking exactly and especially what like my hand looks like now it does look like i slashed it open and sewed it back together so i could just say oh it happened to the other hand oh so it's yeah i've got a running list for dr don about like cleanliness and medical procedures so we'll see how that turns out what what it's full of sick people you go to hospitals full of sick people that's the worst place to be no but this one was so clean anyway really you didn't

Merlinget the sepsis or anything? I hope not.

AlexOr, Jen, Kevin... Oh, wait, wait, wait. Kevin was at PAX. I was.

Speaker BYou were at PAX. Are you carrying anything? I didn't get sick. Do you have the germ? No germs. No concord.

AlexNo concord. No conflague.

Speaker BListen, I don't like to talk about this because I think if I do talk about it, eventually it'll unmake itself and I'll jinx myself forever. But I don't typically get sick after shows.

Speaker CYes.

Speaker BI have a a decent immune system. Let's go and say that. And now that I've said it out loud, it's all bye-bye. You're totally screwed. Although after Gen Con, I did get sick for like four hours. I had maybe the most fitful night's sleep I've ever had. I sweat more than I've ever sweat in my life. Like in my bed, I was like, I'm getting the flu. I'm going to die.

MerlinYou might be going through menopause.

Speaker BThat's what it felt. I was like, why do I feel like?

MerlinDo you find yourself watching the Golden Girls a lot? Be honest. Yeah, no, that sucks. It sucks to be sick in a hotel room. I feel like we're always talking about hotel rooms.

Speaker AOh, it's like hellish.

MerlinWell, it is because there's so much. I feel like when I go to a hotel room, I'm not trying to do a bit, but there's so much in there that's so foreign that we just kind of look past. There's so much you're just not going to think about about a hotel room. But I find if I'm feeling, let's say maybe I drank too much even, but especially if you're getting sick and you're like, oh, shit, I'm getting sick. in a hotel room and I'm here for two nights. This really sucks. To me, the foreignness, it becomes like, like what?

Like some kind of like a Julianne Moore movie. Like suddenly the entire place feels very dangerous and ominous to me. Like down to the, I never think about the bedspread. Never think about the bedspread.

Speaker BOh, don't. Just don't think about it.

MerlinRight. And like, and there's just so much, you know, don't think, because normally if you're fine, like you don't think about it. But to me, that's when I get really super loopy and become like I'm in a 90s movie.

Speaker CI started thinking a lot about what's happening in a hotel. Paranoia.

MerlinA little bit. Yeah, well, I mean, it's so foreign and strange, and sometimes it's way too quiet, and sometimes it's way too loud. And what's up with those curtains?

Speaker AAnd you don't have any of your resources. I got my specific meds, and you've got to go get the meds. And all hotels have that little crappy shop where everything costs like $19 to $35.

Speaker BAnd it's all expired and covered in sticky.

MerlinIt's like a $48 Imodium. I have a sick box at home. I wrote about this on my website, 43 Folders. I think it's a good idea to have a box set aside of all of the stuff you are going to want to comfort yourself when you get a cold. Get a bankers box. I don't care. Just have all this stuff. Well, now that I've got a kid, I don't really have any room for anything that I like. So the box has fallen into disrepair.

But no, usually in the linen closet. But it could be stuff like, okay, here's the thing.

Speaker BFirst aid kit.

MerlinA first aid. It's like, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker BThat's what you're describing, a first aid kit.

MerlinBut it's like, I feel like, you know, I'll speak for myself. If I'm getting a cold and I need to power through, I'll have me a daytime Theraflu. Now, the Theraflu, basically, it's like burning nitro. Like, I don't feel like myself, but I don't feel dead. And sometimes that's the preference. But guess what? You probably forgot you're out of Theraflu. So, like, you make sure you got Theraflu. You put that in the box. Whatever is your comfort things you're going to want, make sure. It's like having a second set of cables. You really want to have this somewhere and don't touch it.

Speaker BIt's a go bag for getting sick.

MerlinIt kind of is. And you don't have it. Like Jen said, you're stuck in that room with all those microbes and that bedspread. You guys, the bedspread.

Speaker AIt's on your bed.

MerlinI'm allergic to every hotel room.

Speaker AI always wake up something about the pillows. I know hotel rooms are like a rich topic on Dubai. They are, yeah. I think you guys talk about them. It's the number one hotel room podcast on the internet.

MerlinEverything's fine? It's like my version of a Lovecraft novel. It's like, I'm fine as long as I don't think about it. But when I start thinking about the thing that we're even looking at it or having knowledge of it might kill me, that's hotel rooms. Oh, totally.

Speaker ADon't look too closely at it.

MerlinDon't look too close. It's Eldritch Horror.

Speaker BYou can't know its true name.

Speaker CI'm going to finish my poopus.

AlexCameron, want to try Max again?

Speaker AOh.

AlexI found a post from March 2005 on 43folders.com. Oh, don't look at that. Blinders, sick box, subject lines, phone hacks, and six months of 43 folders.

MerlinOkay. Can you tell me what your IP address is just real quick? Fans. You're going to get man hammered.

AlexI just.

MerlinBring it in the van. Don't stop. Don't look at me. Don't look at me.

AlexOh.

MerlinLook at the bedspread.

AlexI just really like the phone hacks because I forget that those were like phones were a phone.

MerlinI was there. I was there when that became a thing. I got grandfathered in.

Alexto to phones

Merlinusing to appending the word hack to other nouns and acting like that's normal oh

AlexI wasn't even shamed see you self-shamed yourself

Speaker Ctry these new cock hacks

Alexyou weren't

Speaker Chave you tried these new bedspread hacks hotel hacks how to hack your hotel coffee machine you can turn it into a steampunk wooden bicycle more inside

AlexKevin and Jen Merlin don't listen Have you seen the Vimeo video Steampunk Guy? No. Oh, well, I'll send it to you later. It's very good. It might be in the show notes. I don't know.

Speaker AIt'll have to be at this point. Nathan Fielder did an interview with Bill Simmons. Do you guys know who Bill Simmons is? From The Ringer. Oh, yeah. Oh, shit. This was a while ago. And they got on the topic of steampunk. And Nathan was trying to explain steampunk to Bill Simmons, who writes a lot about, you know, So, yeah, he's like a Chuck Holsterman type of guy where he writes in depth about a lot of sports and athleticism and pop culture things. And Nathan's trying to explain steampunk. And he goes, it's kind of the opposite of sports.

So good. Oh, boy.

Speaker CI have a desk that used to be a rowboat, and I've fitted it with brass.

Speaker APut a gear on it.

Speaker CYeah. What's that wheezing noise? That's my desk. Why? Why? Have you seen the rivets? It's got rivets. It's got hydraulic lips. It's got brass fittings and a diving bell helmet. Wait, on your desk? Yeah.

It's got room for a Derringer.

AlexI don't even know what that word means.

MerlinIt's a tiny pistol.

AlexOh, well, well, well.

MerlinIt's like a pistol you put in your titties. It's like a titty pistol.

AlexOh, like the Westworld ladies.

MerlinLike a Deadwood, like a Deadwood pistol.

AlexOh, okay. I also haven't seen that show. Oh, man. I just can't. Jen, Jen, don't you dare. Don't you dare. I can't touch. No. Oh, yes, yes, yes, yes. Oh, hello, governor.

Speaker CSo he's got goggles and a monocle? How does that work?

Speaker AHello.

Speaker CBoth.

Speaker AHow could both?

Speaker CHello. Come into my dirigible. It runs on mustaches.

Speaker Boh god little sun buttons I don't want to know

Speaker Athat guy looks like BJ Novak lighter

Speaker Bhair complexion I want to really

Merlindo a close reading of this outfit so I'm guessing this is like an oh no inexpensive Amazon costume is that what it is

Speaker BThis is definitely adult.

MerlinWhy are the goggles fixed to his flattened top hat? Are they goggles for his hat?

Speaker CIt's really odd.

MerlinI don't understand fingerless gloves. You know, commit.

Speaker CCommit to the gloves.

MerlinCommit to the gloves. Either gloves or no gloves. Who are half gloves for? I don't know.

Speaker BSo you can feel the breeze on your tips.

MerlinIf you have to express a dog's anal glands.

AlexIn your dirigible. You got to feel the breeze.

MerlinOh, you have to feel the dirigible. Yeah. It's a fixed structure. Okay. That was a good one. Let's button it up.

AlexI know.

MerlinWe actually have some things I noticed here. It looks like a few of us have added things.

AlexOh, is this show? I'm going to open those show notes. It's a Google Doc.

Speaker BThere it is.

AlexThere it is.

MerlinOh, no. No. It looks like Sawyer from Lost, but he's got a meatloaf shirt.

Speaker BIs this any band from the mid-2000s? Is this an Evanescence?

Speaker Cwhat that's not an Evan Effin Evan Effin this is the girl wasn't she the girl

Speaker AAmy Lee there were also men in that band this guy looks like he's about to shoot up a middle school

Merlinsorry I'm being normative I'm sorry

Speaker Agod all of them do

MerlinI owe you an amends I'm sorry

Speaker Aokay we're gonna delete him

Merlinokay bye bye

Speaker Agoodbye no more of that alright I'm looking at the show notes see Jen posted something here she did oh yeah have you guys news and topics you guys ever heard of Burning Man

AlexOh, yes. But tell our listeners just in case.

Speaker AI know it was last weekend. Well, I can't really do that because I've been on this earth for like 30-ish years and I don't fully understand what Burning Man is. But I didn't know until like this year that there's a thing called Burning Man Misconnections. And it's all the stuff people just write after the whole event is over trying to find each other again. And they're very good. Here's one.

MerlinWait, this is real?

Speaker AYeah, these are real misconnections.

MerlinNo. because the problem is what is Burning Man? It's like desert super bowl for tech douchebags, right? And so you go and it's really costly and you run around and you wear goggles and shit. Don't count on sand, it's playa dust. Shut up. And so the problem is you find something you wanted to fuck or have a deep conversation with but you were tripping, they were tripping and maybe that person was a third of a dragon. How do you find them? There are a lot of

Speaker Adragons. Were there? That was a guess. Yeah, that was a good guess. Good job. Here's a good one. Hold on, hold on. This sounds kind of silly, but I noticed a camp that was raccoons themed two spots away from us around 3.45 a.m. and on E during our strike day, and I'm so sad I never got to say hi. I'm a huge fan of raccoons. That's nice. Oh, here's a good one. We shared a sunrise Friday morning at Burning Man. We met at the trash fence. The trash fence.

Speaker CThat's a trash fence.

Speaker AOh, the trash fence. To the girl from the social mixer who had free kisses written across your chest.

Speaker BOh, no.

Speaker AAre you reading these?

Speaker BI'm just staring at the Burning Man Reddit page right now.

AlexIt's like I want to go in, but I just can't. I can't do it.

Speaker AHave you guys visited the Red Pill page lately?

MerlinNo, no.

Speaker ARed Pill, that's a fertile environment for us.

MerlinSo Black Pill's the really far down incel one. red pill is just like you learn the truth about trump what's red pill remind me is it red pill

Alexi don't know red pill it is indeed the like mra oh guess what guess what the lesbians and the feminists have pulled the wool over your eyes and here here because of the matrix but it's different from black pill black pills incels is that right black pill i think is just like they wanted to be more hardcore and mean and scary. Like, they're the ones who actually shoot a skill. You're not mean enough. Yeah, I think, I could be wrong.

I'm not familiar with all of the pills other than the ones I'm on right now.

MerlinOh, male rights, male rights, male rights association?

AlexOh, the MRA, yeah, that goes. Male rights. What's it mean? Black pill. Black pill may refer to a suburban area of Swansea. No.

We don't have to go down this road if it's too depressing. Oh, no. Yep, nope. We're not going to do that. Alex found something.

MerlinMen's rights activist. That's it. Found it.

AlexYeah, the MRA.

MerlinNo, you just kept saying MRA like it was meaningful. Listen, listen. I know you love Reddit. Sorry. Because there's some of them that are really good. Have you gone to slash underscore robotbastic? I don't know what the fuck why are you there why do you go there my extension for blocking websites broke and I stopped using Chrome but it used to be I could just ban websites and I could say I just don't want to see it and so for years and years and years I just didn't even see Reddit because it was always it became like up there with Wikipedia in returns and so I just stopped thinking about Reddit until you

people every week you talk about Reddit and something and it's like you guys

Speaker BGet off Reddit This company has forced me to be on Reddit

MerlinYou gotta get off it And I don't want to hear a single word about how some of them are good Everyone keeps saying that

Speaker BThat's a number one HR complaint I need Facebook for my work I saw you standing there by yourself in your red coat I said I liked your coat And you turned to me and said you lost your pink bike With a Polaroid camera on it I helped you find it And we spent some time afterwards visiting the temple And writing down our wishes

Speaker Awhat the fuck is Burning Man

Speaker Bsomeone tell me for real we said we'd see the sunrise together but I didn't see you at our meeting location we only had two hours of sleep so I figured you didn't wake up in time I wish we exchanged our contact information because I felt a connection with you I hope we cross paths against you

Alexokay so these are all men right

Speaker Bno actually I found one that's a woman really really time lord slash Francesca searching for sunshine slash Seth you go to Burning Man you pick your burning name oh you get a burning name oh really that's a thing yeah I think you get a name

Speaker AMine is Jareth Jareth

MerlinJareth

Speaker AThat's also my steampunk name Jareth is also my steampunk name

MerlinIt's also my Starbucks name

Last night I ordered an empanada at a new place, awesome place. And the woman said, what's your name? I said, Bob. And she said, oh, cool. And I said, and I felt like kind of a dick. She was really nice. I was like, yeah, it's just my order name. She says, yeah, I use Bob.

Speaker CWhy?

MerlinShe says, I use Bob sometimes, too. And I'm like, what?

AlexBut why would you tell that?

MerlinIt's the only name anybody ever needs to give.

Speaker ABut I, no. No, no, no, no, no. Why does Merlin attract too much attention? The name senior?

MerlinAct like you're a racist white man in my neighborhood and do an impression of someone in my neighborhood saying Merlin.

AlexI understand that. But why did you talk, tell the person that's, Bob, that's not my real name?

MerlinWell, I did it really low key. I whispered it just like I did now.

AlexOh, that makes it better. And her ears.

MerlinI got in real close and I said the churros are for my daughter.

AlexAnd she replied, I do too. Yeah, I do that too. You'll never find me.

MerlinNeither of the names is real.

Speaker AMerlin, are you afraid that she'll be like, Merlin, man, from Dubai Friday? oh my god

Merlinwe're fellow bobs we bobs must stick together I don't I don't like to give a name for my order could you just write something complimentary about Donald Trump on the bag

Speaker Adid you see this was forever ago I doubt you saw this this might be one of those things from my corners of the internet but someone posted a photo of like their takeout bag and it said BLM on it and they were like, oh, wow, this Chinese place I ordered from is totally woke. It says Black Lives Matter. Then they were like, no, I just ordered beef lo mein.

Imagine the disappointment. Oh, my God, Black Lives Matter. Oh.

Speaker COh. Oh. I guess all lives matter.

MerlinOh. So anyway, yeah, you're right. I shouldn't have done that. But sometimes if I feel like if I'm going to have a relationship with somebody in the neighborhood over time, I want them to know. You know what? I shouldn't. It's dumb. But I feel like I want them to know I'm providing Bob to you as a service. But then when I talk about how I gave.

Speaker BI'm doing this for you.

MerlinI'm doing this for you because I love you. Now, when I explain why I'm doing it, I guess that sounds weird and creepy, especially if I lean in to gain their confidence.

Speaker AI'm doing this for you because I love you. Okay?

MerlinBecause I love you.

Speaker AAnd I'll be back.

MerlinThis empanada is for me. I promise. The churros are for my daughter.

AlexI swear she's real.

MerlinI can dump her if we need to. What time do you get off? A caora. Que es la significada de Bob.

Alexoh we should start the show what we haven't been recording that uh that was that was comedy gold

Merlinwhat are you talking about whoops you guys suck oh my god do you think do you think the pumpkin is coming i don't know nathan steampunk oh you put the steampunk in look at that there it is that was a funny bit it was okay no no you didn't watch it what do you don't even know we're talking about i uh i had a little fun with steampunk oh jen you don't even all right i don't know just

Alexplay a second of this oh hey everybody i'm merlin and uh welcome to my workshop oh lord uh this is

Merlini do a lot of my projects i keep all my tools and i put together uh all the things that what are you like 20 here um like that if you know me at all you know that i am a tremendous ardent fan of steampunk steampunk literature and uh steampunk culture it's uh for me it's a lifestyle you know This is such a big piece of how I've kind of put my whole life together. And I just, I really believe in the authenticity of kind of getting it right and making it part of who you are. You know, it's not just kind of a weekend costume event for me.

For example, these glasses are steampunk glasses. I don't know how well you can see that from home, but these actually are made, these frames are made out of the writing desk of Jules Verne. So good. This is so good.

vision of you know seeing who you are but my big v vision of steampunk is very much very much helped all brass fittings too i would i would note um really so everywhere uh i have a i have a steampunk steamboat is this the most convenient way to get around no there's not water you know in a lot of the middle part of san francisco so you know again i'm not here for convenience i'm here you know if i may say to kind of keep it in period to keep it real if you like um and so

and so i don't like to shortcut this um i've had a hang-up in the past because uh i love masturbation and uh it's something that just it's such a thrill for me but it's i've had a problem because i haven't had um a reliably steampunk way um to kind of bring self-abuse into this other part of my life and you know i'm sure you can see how that becomes frustrating for me uh but you know actually i've I've come up with a solution that I'm very excited about. This is a steam pump penis pump.

Oh, my God. How have I not seen this?

Speaker BOh, no.

MerlinBecause it's from 11 years ago. Research and historical documents.

Speaker AYou need to catch up on my Merlin content. Yeah. That used to be funny. From the last 12 years. I got a lot to catch up on.

MerlinThis glass piece. That is artisanal.

Speaker AHow do you do this? You just stand in front of a camera

MerlinStammer is funny Especially if you know what you want to say But just stammer it's funny Because then people are with you Because they're waiting for the diving catch People love the diving catch

AlexAlright I'm sorry Thank you for indulging

Speaker AI'm reading all these comments On this video This is so cute

MerlinThe internet used to be nice I left so hard you would not believe

Speaker Atears are running down my face oh that's brilliant tell her about phone guy someday

Speaker Boh man i can't wait to watch tactical internet pants

Merlinyou can see my little baby that's 11 now all right should we get back into character i i don't i have wait i have like an almost real

Alexquestion um in in the days where you were a public speaker yeah what sort of did you take from that into like the internet funny bits because you were are are sorry are an amazing public speaker

Merlinand and then uh r.i.p to a real one here's a photo of us together he did he's dead

Speaker Aand i love him my first my first job opening for him

Merlinoh my god here's to a real one the original the original steampunk tugboater oh my god here's a photo of us i love him

Alexi'm trying to think of who i'm trying to think of who died recently and it made me mad because Epstein. Yeah. All right, you do a real one. No.

Speaker COh, God.

MerlinYeah, the photos.

Speaker COh, it just gets me. Oh, I just went in to see why this is trending. I thought Frito-Lay had died.

Speaker Amy favorite Epstein tweet I know you guys have covered this again fertile ground for you all but my favorite Epstein tweet was wow if he really did kill himself that's a really good friend

Merlinoh it's funny because it's true the internet used to be so nice so upsetting

Alexoh my but really

Speaker Ato Jen's question how do you when how do you not hate yourself enough to look at to film your face

Alexyeah Yeah, and you're just really, really good at it.

MerlinOh, thanks. I don't like putting anything on the internet anymore. It's just not fun.

AlexI know.

MerlinI mean, it's really not fun. Everything has become Twitter. Everything has become Trump. And it's so sad because it used to be, I don't know, maybe, you know what it was, naivete and privilege. Naivete in the sense of not really thinking through what shit could happen and having it not happen enough that it didn't trouble me. but then also just like it's the privilege of like again now Alex I'm finally reading that Gia Tolentino book but like thinking about just thinking about like her point that like women have always had to think a lot about how they present themselves for millennia let alone in the internet

age but yeah I mean it's just not fun anymore I mean anything everything is not fun uh and so like I keep coming back to Twitter because like it used to be you could like people if you had a bit people would take a minute to understand the bit before they tried to play along. That's an old thing on a forum, right? Back in the day, on a forum, somebody had a little bit of a bit, and there'd be bits on a forum, and people would play along because they understood the bit. And now more and more, it's just everything stops within seconds because of the classic explaining your joke to you

or of like, I don't know, I've looked at Twitter, don't understand anything you're saying. It's like, okay, that's good. You can Google stuff.

Speaker AThere's no moment where people read the room.

MerlinCorrect. Yeah, that's a really good way to put it. It's like, yeah, I mean, well, and it's also, you know, I was thinking about it. I was taking a shit the other day and thinking about this. And I was thinking, that's not really germane to the story, but it helps you understand my process a little bit. I was just thinking about how, like, there are always different angles where you can make something stupid or you could try to make it into your thing and the way that you like to do your thing. Maybe you're like, yeah, I'm a potted fern and I respond as a fern. That kind of shit. But like every there are different angles you can take. But the best of these things is when more than one person does read the room, as you say, understands what the bit is.

And then people build on the bit in a way that it is generative rather than the sort of, you know, people will yes and with you because they understand what to do rather than trying to turn it into something that it's not that they to make it something they can understand. And I mean, shitposting can be funny, but it's just, it's not cool. There was a meta, there's a meta filter thread that I still look at once a year that I love. That I could probably find. And it's one of my all time favorite meta filter threads where somebody had said something and then everybody, it was, it was dorky, but funny.

Every single person that responded, it was low enough volume that there was time for no dupes or anything. Every person that responded is like first person's response was like, you know, perfunctory comment from person saying first. second comment and every single person played along and you just keep reading and reading and reading and waiting for the tower to fall over for the Jenga to break because somebody comes in and goes what why is

Speaker Ceverybody doing this why are people doing this I never understand anything that's happening here

Merlinbecause it would break the bit you know anyway it's not fun anymore why did I do it then because I didn't know what to be scared of or to be concerned or hung up about You know, the truth is, I don't, I'm a white dude who's 52. I'm not that hung up about how I look. I'm not. But it's like, I don't want to have a conversation about things that are in the background of things. Like, it's so gross to me that, like, you can't take a minute to see the thing that I'm, you're trying to make this into your thing.

And then more people trying to make it into their thing. And it's really fucking weird. And they want to make it into something weird. And then it's funny that they've made it weird. And it's like, ugh, you people are all the worst. And, like, you deserve the cat.

Alexyou have i feel sub potted all right fine i'll zoom out of your garage that looks very nice oh

Merlingod see you're doing the thing i know i'm exactly doing the thing we have comedy shows at cards i

Speaker Afeel like you guys mentioned this before but before every show all the performers before they go on stage and do improv with each other is they clap each other on the back and they go i got your back back right and then all of us that are working at the show uh also start to do it to each other because we like to we like to pretend we're performers we want to feel included but i always think like you know this is the promise that like i'm not going to let you go up on stage and fail i will fail first or i will participate in your bit but i will not make you look or feel stupid and every time i've seen the performers do that i always think this is the opposite of twitter

Merlinyeah yeah that's a good way to put it oh jang yeah yeah it's it's um i understand this i'm not gonna i'm not doing this as a bit i understand i don't like howard stern as a thing i've listened to Howard Stern. It just seems mean and deliberately stupid. I know he's beloved by people that I respect, but there's the Baba Booey thing, where apparently when you get near a microphone or a camera, you say Baba Booey. I don't know what that means, but it's a shitpost. It's a form of shitposting. And like, you know, if one person does that on the Today Show a month, that's kind

of funny. If everybody does that all the time without ever making their own Today Show, it's not good somebody needs to have the temerity the confidence and the awareness to say like i'm gonna create a proscenium where my little show exists and like and that will that will be this little special gossamer thing that lives for a little while until somebody comes along and yells baba booey but like at this point it's so exhausting to make fucking anything because of all the baba booey and just it's like i i i'm a pretty if i want to be i'm a pretty good shit poster it can

be very funny but like just the whole need to come in and be the kid who runs on stage and takes a shit while someone's singing it's just like where are we going with this how does this turn out great fucking make something you piece of shit go do something merlin's nagging you go make something have have have the confidence the temerity have have the have the stones to go fucking make something more than a pile of shit that you point at. Ah!

AlexI love Merlin. I know. Merlin Riddling. It's so funny. It's a good...

Speaker CYou two boys! Bopeoids! Bopeoids!

MerlinThis is not the show, right? This is not in the show?

AlexThis is in the show because I was... I don't know how I got to, like, Gen Z Twitter the other day, but I was there. What's Gen Z Twitter again?

Speaker BGen Z Twitter is just like... J-E-N-N. Zitter?

AlexLike Generation Z.

Speaker ASo younger than us? Yeah.

Speaker BHow do I Google that?

MerlinThe other day I saw that there was a band called The And and I was like, wow. Oh my God. That's rough.

AlexThat's rough. Yeah. Just honestly, just go to Lil Nas' Twitter

Merlinand that's... Oh no.

Speaker BAll the people that reply to Lil Nas.

MerlinLil Nas or Lil Nas X, Alex? I apologize.

AlexLil Nas X.

MerlinLil Nas was my father. Lil Nas 10. It's pronounced Lil Nas 10.

Speaker AAre these the people that don't know what that red room in Stranger Things was? Because I've never seen photos be developed before. Oh, yeah. Is that that generation?

AlexI think so, yeah. I'm like, what's a CD? What's that kid's name?

Speaker CPaul McCartney was in a band before Wings.

Merlinthat joke is all even that joke is 30 years old no gen z is like the real young kids right that's

Alexlike my is my kid a gen z you're i think your kid is at the like start of i i don't know it's like 20 years old to 10 years old so i think she's okay so if you've got a benjamin button thing going on

Speaker Aokay but i don't know like their sense of humor god this is amazing i haven't looked at little naz's twitter it's so on august 30th he tweeted poop please y'all ain't ready for this conversation

Alexhe's having fun he's having fun so what a good tweet but the thing they've like taken shit posting and they do they just make it their own thing and be like you don't understand this oh well and the like recursive memes i i don't know i don't understand them but i love them and i was talking to my sister and i was like okay what this um and she's like i don't know it's just funny and it's like they've taken all of the stuff that we've ruined about memes and the internet and the like you too-ness of what merlin's talking about and they are making their own things and just

i i don't know it was really refreshing or i was high on opioids i don't know

Merlinthat can be that that can be super fun i mean like especially when it's in like i'm just talking you know forums back in the day or as you say fora like back in the day like it was a fun thing and there were so many like in jokes for that particular forum and in a certain way. And like, it became funny or live journal was like this for me also. And then people would come like, would come wheeling by and just be like, what is happening in here? Like, what is this room? What are you doing in here? And it's nice that that can still exist. Also, it is more, um, uh, shitposting for fun in a vernacular is more resistant to being

fucked with than for example, sincerity. Like when somebody comes on to Nextdoor, and I've never had the guts to do this on our Nextdoor, but when somebody comes on to Nextdoor and does a Nextdoor-style bit and is obviously parodying Nextdoor, some people think it's really funny because they obviously get it and they're lurkers like me, or they're so mad and confused. They're like, sir, this is a secure channel that's only to be used for discussing blacks. Oh, no, children going door-to-door asking for candy.

Ha, ha, ha. It's kind of funny. and they're like, wow, did you report this to the police?

Speaker CThey told me no one was supposed to be in the area.

MerlinDo you have any nest footage that you could share with the group of these children? Were any of them blacks?

AlexWait, wait, do they do that? Like share video footage?

MerlinOh, dude.

Speaker BOn Nextdoor?

MerlinRing is a whole thing now.

Speaker COh, yeah.

MerlinIt's all ring footage, but also it's all links. The thing is, like if you want the uncut shit, Like, if you want the really serious, like, put it in my veins shit, you've got to be on Citizen. And pure racism. Well, I think it's, well, here's the thing. Citizen, like, if you, the thing, if you want to be, so, like, our next door is all, like, package thieves. Like, mostly package thieves and coyote in the area. And did anybody see the accident at thus and such? Did I hear shots? There's a lot of that. but of course a lot of it is

the like here's some ring footage of somebody on my porch kind of thing but citizen is a thing that's in I think just San Francisco and New York metro right now and it's I guess they like monitor the scanner or something or 911 so you get push alerts about crime in your neighborhood immediately and so people get the citizen alert and then they screenshot that and dropping it in next door. And they're like, did anybody else see this on Citizen? So you get these multi-levels

of no one was supposed to be in the area type stuff.

Speaker COh, shit.

MerlinYou start sharing intelligence on the guy who wears a helmet and carries a pointy stick around. Where is he? What happened with the restraining order on him? There's the guy with the face tattoo down by the 7-Eleven. Has anybody dealt with him lately?

AlexOh, my God. Oh, no. I'm looking at just the screenshots from the app store. and oh my god they put that in the app store huh the no but the it's yeah it's only available in

Merlinsan francisco yeah yeah it shows basically it shows you like on a map yeah yeah yeah

Alexand it says like a video 400 feet away child locked in vehicle like as if that go do something

Merlinlike this looks like it looks like that's perfect perfect way to put it yes wow do something

Speaker Athing i got somebody else do it somebody should do something about this can somebody please think

Merlinof the children i got an alert over the summer and i turned to my kid and i went oh my god and we both ran to the window and it was an accident like two houses away we got a push

Speaker Bnotification about oh my god this is so horrid that's terrifying no it's it's like oh it's the

Merlinpanopticon the pan pizza pan pan religious panopticon this is like in the dark in the batman

Speaker Amovie when he's like looking at all the crime. Yeah. And the big screens. Oh yeah, he can see in his little manic suit. Yeah, and Morgan Freeman's like, this is mythical.

MerlinMaster Bruce, why are you looking into that changing

Speaker Croom? I think it might be crime.

Speaker AOh my god, this app is fucking crazy.

AlexThey like make it look ominous on purpose. Why do you want this?

MerlinYeah, I'm trying to look at some of the screen grabs I've gotten.

Speaker AI gotta tell you, this is making me feel... Bad. Yes! Paranoid. Paranoid. Yeah, I'm starting to feel weird about this. You? Yeah. Store burglary.

Burglary. Someone's burgling.

AlexOh god, there's a trailer. Oh no.

Speaker AI want this. This is all going in show notes. Oh, man, I could totally see this ruining my life. This, oh, I am shocked that it hasn't ruined people's lives yet.

MerlinWell, I mean, like, all kidding and silly aside, like, between the crime and safety section of Nextdoor and things like Citizen, it's not difficult to see, like, a little bit of dystopia right around the corner. Or to wonder what dystopia is out there right now that we just don't have a UI for. Like, what kind of shit is going on that we're just not even seeing?

Alexokay so they have a i'm seeing now citizen headquarters so are do you know if they like call 9-1-1 or if you're reporting stuff and then this group of people is just deciding what to put

Merlinout i think they're probably listening to a scanner because i'm trying i apologize i'm trying to find some screen grabs for you but i think they're listening to a scanner because they will frequently be like oh there's an update to this and such story oh oh also and by the way oh boy By the way, if you have the Citizen app and you get the push alert and you're close enough, you can run and start streaming live video. Yeah. Which is like some straight up 80s Robocop type shit.

Speaker AI feel weird. Man, I thought it was weird on the Dark Sky app that you could report lightning. Yeah.

Speaker COh, oh, lightning.

Speaker AOh, oh, oh. I got to tell the, I got to tell. It's here. It's here. I got to tell Dark Sky about this.

Speaker BOh, oh, there's fog. I got to tell Dark Sky. Wow. This literally does look like... So they put it in night mode, too, which is like...

AlexYeah.

MerlinIt's the most ominous of modes.

Speaker BIt looks extremely ominous. It looks like... Oh, hey, no incidents found at our current location. It's good.

AlexAll right, all right. Unlike the trailer, in which there's a pop-up 200 feet away, man with gun at playground, and then the woman just turns around. Oh, my God. 200 feet away?

MerlinAlso, it makes the single best sound on iOS. I don't know how they come up. Somebody did a real good job with this sound. Obviously, I can't really describe it, but you know how usually when you get a bespoke alert for a given app, it'll be like, you know, beep boop or whatever. And this one's like, pum pum pum.

Speaker COh, no.

MerlinSo even over the, if you're listening to music or a podcast without headphones, it's like, pum pum pum. And it's got this like haptic feeling to it. If you're listening on headphones, it sounds like somebody just hit you twice. It's really upsetting.

Speaker ASomeone's thumping you in the back of the head. Do something. Do something. Go. Go to the corner. Shots fired. This looks exactly like the Spider-Man video game. Oh, it does.

AlexEach villain is someone peeing on a wall.

Speaker ALook at this tower. This is like literally in the video game.

MerlinOh, my God. Okay. I will go and I'll pop in real quick and see what's happening so I can get you guys up to speed on where we are right now.

Speaker AGive us some crime updates.

MerlinFrequently, it's that a car flipped at the mall because of the new speed bumps that you should have learned about from next door. They flipped another car. Let's see. Attempted assault investigation. Now, did they attempt the investigation or was the assault attempted?

Speaker BWe attempted to investigate the assault.

MerlinHey, at least you tried. I don't like ambiguous writing. There's no need for ambiguous writing. Did the car murder the woman? Be clear. Be clearer in your writing. No wonder the series failed, Richard Gere. Murder car. Murder car. Oh, don't worry. They're bringing people from over from Sony.

Speaker CIt's going to be awesome. All right.

MerlinDo-go-do-go-do-go. Let's talk about TV, you guys. Hey, seriously, real talk. We should talk about TV.

AlexReal talk, guys. Now that we're all really sad, let's talk about Nathan for you. My husband, Nathan Fielder. Oh, you have a real husband. You don't get to do that. I have a fake husband. Alex. What would I have is real?

Speaker CAlex Cox.

AlexWow. Once again, you go to giveusyourfuckingmoney.com. I had never seen Nathan for you until about a week ago. Any of it?

Speaker AAt all?

AlexI had seen a couple clips you had shown me, but it was on Comedy Central, and it was in that that short period of my life where I wasn't pirating things so I had no way to watch it uh but recently it was it was put on Hulu and don't don't worry Jen the microphone probably won't fall

Speaker Aon you hopefully I did just punch the microphone I know it was and I thought nobody noticed and then Alex okay I think I fixed it there was a look of panic I got this I got this everything's gonna be

Alexokay uh and then i just started binging it and i think this is technically jen's challenge this

Merlinweek nope no nope i had no part of this it should be it should be you know what let's retroactively

Alexmake it jen's challenge oh it's jen's challenge yeah this week's challenge comes from jen yeah can you explain uh before we get into specifically what the challenge was what nathan for you is

Speaker AOh, I've not prepared anything. Nathan For You is hosted by this guy, Nathan Fielder, who went to a business school and got really good grades.

Speaker BIn Canada. A Canadian business school.

Speaker AIn Canada. You know, I read an interview with him recently, and he said someone asked him about, like, did you really get good grades? And he said in business school, or his particular business school he went to, they let him negotiate grades because they're like, in the business world, you can negotiate anything. so he said he would go to his professors and be like well my bike uh broke and i fixed the tire instead of calling a cab on my way here so that shows initiative and i'm very enterprising and they'd be like okay b plus wow i've seen him i've seen nathan nathan fielder do um like a live show

a couple years ago he had a he like came and did a q a at northwestern and it was like the best the best thing i've ever seen because he really is that guy i think he definitely turns up the the awkwardness um but uh he is like a genius at interviewing people and just leading them along to say something weird without but you know you know what he does that i really like is he doesn't really entrap people he doesn't really trick them he just lets them keep talking like no one can sit

Alexin an awkward silence better than he can right the like the the whole premise like yes i will make your business better i am funny businessman it's opt-in great it's opt-in it's cool it's great And I thought it was hilarious. But then just watching him interview people is actually what got me in. I'm like, I will never be able to interview anybody as well as he does.

MerlinThis is just so people, two quick things, and I'll jump back. But two quick things. First of all, he was on John Benjamin Has a Van, which is a very funny show. He was the John Benjamin, you know, Bob's Burgers guy had a really good show called John Benjamin Has a Van. And he was an actor on that. And I recommend that to y'all. The other thing, and this already gets us into the way this show gets my head reeling. First of all, it's a total delight to watch. But there is this level of like, hmm, how much of this is what it seems to be?

Because as you say, the essential premise, and we're going to get super into this, I think, because we have to in a couple episodes. But the premise that it's so flimsy and the premise, if you stop for a minute to think about the premise, it doesn't make an ounce of sense, obviously. because the premise of the show is that he goes and fixes a business. There's never any indication those people ask to have their business fixed, although maybe that's what happened. But he obviously goes, and the whole bit is he goes in and he's going to ruin this business by adding his improvements to it.

But there's not any real breaking of character to let us know how in on the bit those people were, who, if anybody, is an actor. Because in some cases it's like if this person was an actor, that's hilarious. If this person wasn't an actor, that walks right up to the level of mean and abusive. Did you see the one with the haunted house, making the haunted house scarier?

AlexNo.

MerlinDid you see that one?

AlexOh, I have seen it all twice.

MerlinThere's one where he decides that this haunted house should be scarier. And so the way he makes the haunted house scarier is that they break character inside the haunted house to tell people they may have just gotten a communicable disease. they have to be rushed to they have to be rushed to the hospital by people that people meet them in hazmat suits and won't let them leave and it goes on and on and on and finally it says haunted house exit at the hospital

Speaker Cand you're like wait a minute

Merlinand then the bit of course that's leading up to the bit which is he thinks it's good publicity for the haunted house if someone sues them because the haunted house was too scary and the way he seems to want to do that is having this African American couple go through this and you're like oh god that's awful but then he does it with like five more groups of people

Speaker Cand you see it and you're like

Merlinokay I know this can't be 100% real how would you get a hospital to agree to do this but I'm sorry I went on longer than I expected to but that's part of the fun of the show is how flimsy the premise is they just run with the premise but I can very rarely see the cracks of what is real and not with this show and because it walks right up to the edge of truly mean and jackass or Ashton Kutcher-y. It's endlessly fascinating. Once you start thinking about this show, you're going to laugh

and laugh and laugh, but you're also going to think about it so goddamn much. Did those people know they were going to camp on a mountain? Did they know that?

Speaker BThey got so into it! Yeah, and you know that behind the scenes they had to sleep and talk about what's happening here.

MerlinThey had to get them to sign off on all of that.

Speaker AThe producers behind the scenes they must do so well to explain people like you're not in danger just sit in this moment a little longer and I think what he does to like approach businesses I think what the show does is they sell it as reality TV and that gets people to sign on. Yeah.

AlexWhich and if you think about it I don't know like once you have agreed to a reality TV show I think it's kind of an agreed like

Speaker AYeah I know they don't over explain the show when they're trying to get into when they're trying to like do a do an episode somewhere they like they don't explain it's a comedy show yeah

Alexthat's for sure they just like you just know like oh like if you've if you've never been on a reality tv show like you don't know what's going to happen you don't know what goes on behind the scenes and i think that's like part of the magic is you know they don't know what they're signing up for necessarily but they know it is a thing so i never thought it was mean most of the time i was distracted by the logistics and like i just had a logistical boner the whole time of like oh my god how are they pulling this off like how where they had to go build that room and make a tiny little

Merlindoor or they had to find a way to get that antique shop and like that's one of my favorite antique shop it kills me that poor guy in the outfit when he breaks the plate on his way out oh my god and nathan's response totally straight is like well do you want the pizza or not

Speaker Aman i uh it gets alex i know what you mean like it makes there's a couple times where i've watched watch the show with max and we like are like oh my god i can't watch it my my wife just she's just like i cannot watch this this is just oh yeah i can't watch it i i watch it with my husband i can't watch it by myself because it makes me too cringe but if i have someone to share in the horror and cringiness then i can somehow do it and we there's a couple bits he's done that like max and I were like oh that ran pretty close to what to what we like to do at cards and we're oh yeah the

whole time I'm like oh this is so much better than me like oh this is the kind of comedy we're chasing but my favorite yeah my favorite my favorite moments in the show are the stuff just like Nathan just doing stuff like when he's when he's doing the the daddy's watching rhyme and the girl calls him the attractive woman calls him Nate and he's like it's Nathan it's Nate's fine either way It's casual.

MerlinThe way they build up over so much time, build up so much footage of him being awkward with people in general and women in particular.

Speaker AEven animals.

MerlinTo where they are able to do a montage of him being awkward with women.

Speaker AI mean, even dogs. Like, even when he tries to pet a dog and the dog, like, yelps.

MerlinWell, every time he walks into a room to greet someone, there's always just a VO of him. And he walks in and he does this odd bow when he extends his hand. He does this really straight. It isn't a bow in a sense of like being, it just doesn't seem to know how to interact physically with another person. And it's just, it's so odd. So anyway, to understand for those of you that are not going to watch the, whatever, four seasons of this show, the basic premise is there's usually two of these per half hour-ish episode.

In some cases, and I've said before, the one I would recommend personally, the Gateway episode, as it's increasingly being called, my favorite is Guest Station Slash Caricature Artist. and the way they're slightly interleaved with each other. But yeah, the basic premise is that he goes in and he fixes your business for you with the most terrible, like beyond you look nice today, worst idea ever for a business. Like for the first episode begins with him telling this guy that his frozen yogurt shop would be more successful if they had a poop flavor. That's the first.

So that's the context.

AlexDo you think this show was designed as is or it absolutely evolved? Like, I know this sounds like a leading question, but the first couple, like, the first season is like, eh, I thought it was fine. Really?

MerlinYou didn't like Gas Station?

AlexI did. Like, that was the one, that one and the Santa, the Santa drinks for one. I think it just gets better and better. And I wonder if they realize, like, oh, the bad business isn't funny. It's the implementation of it. Because before they didn't.

MerlinWhen was the Smokers Welcome episode?

AlexOh, that was the third season. Probably fourth season.

MerlinThird or fourth.

AlexYeah, it was towards the end.

MerlinBecause I really, not the second, but I need to talk about that episode. It's like a Borges story. Like what they pull off in that episode is so goddamn bananas.

AlexWell, I think that's why the later seasons are better. Because they do show, real or not, the logistics that go into it. Even if the idea is like, you know, like the smoking one. I'm like, you know what? I would not have bad, not have bad. But then the implementation of it.

MerlinYou go halfway. Can we spoil this episode for people?

AlexYeah, all spoilers for Nathan for you. The show can't be spoiled.

Speaker AIt's too good.

MerlinNo, no, it's pure implementation. So basically Nathan has decided, apparently by Fiat, that the 1881 Club, it's this bar in Pasadena where he basically gets footage of the woman who runs the bar, owns the bar, saying, yeah, we've lost a lot of business since people can't smoke in here. It's the flimsiest of concepts ever. But his bit is, okay, we need to find a way for you to be able to have smoking be allowed in this bar again. It starts out real simple. And so he finds some bullet point in California law that says smoking indoors is legal if it's a substantial part of a theatrical production.

So he's decided, long story short, and this is the first half of the show, is this hilarious bit where he goes, okay. So what we're going to do is we're going to get two theater seats and a curtain and put them in the corner. And we're going to tell people it is a play. It's a play called Smokers Allowed, a theatrical production. And that's the sign that he hangs underneath the bar sign, Smokers Allowed. And so he somehow carrals these two women to come and watch the play. And it is a genuinely funny, like very meta, very postmodern bit where a curtain opens and it's just a bunch of people in a bar drinking and smoking.

And that's the play. And it's funny. It's really, it's very, very funny.

Speaker AThis one made me so uncomfortable.

MerlinBut then it really blooms because Nathan has realized and pitches to the bar owner, maybe this place would be more successful if it put on a real play. That was the night of activity that just happened. So Nathan gets all the camera footage, pours over it, hires transcriptionists to write down. It's like Borges, basically. Or like Synecdoche, New York. And creates a binder six inches thick of this script of everything everybody says.

And he casts it.

Speaker AYes. Yes. He casts it.

Speaker BIs this the Pink-Haired Woman episode? Yes. Yes.

Speaker AOh, man. She went on Twitter and talked about it, by the way. Well, I'll bring that up later. Go ahead. Yeah. In a good way.

MerlinBut anyhow, this one really got me thinking about, because this movie, as we used to say in college, foregrounds the idea that they're having fun with your expectations and reality. They're having a lot of fun with that in this episode, where eventually now they've installed seven theater seats. And you can go in and they show side by side. So they've done three days of rehearsals. They're so good with bad fake beards on this show. But everybody's enacting everything that happened that one night as a play.

Speaker AJust a night in a bar.

MerlinYeah, and the guy's showing off his skateboard deck, but that has to happen right at the moment that the three people at the bar are taking the selfie.

Speaker AOh, yeah.

MerlinBut there's this actual tension where you're rooting along for this fake play about a fake incident in a fake reality show, but you're totally invested in it when it's fake all the way down, to me.

AlexI, yeah, you put it best.

Speaker AYeah, I, uh, that's in the first season, right?

MerlinI think it's third or fourth.

Speaker AYeah. In the first season, there's a, it leans a little more heavily on Nathan's loneliness. And at the end of the episodes, he always asks the client to hang out.

Speaker CThe private detective or the private investigator.

Speaker AThey suddenly are kind of like, um, no, I don't think so.

MerlinAt one time, he's hired a private investigator to find out if somebody, to find out, I forget the initial reason, but then the private investigator doesn't want to hang out with him, the private investigator is a pistol. So he hires another private investigator to find out if the private investigator's excuse for why he couldn't hang out is legit. And then that private investigator doesn't want to hang out with him either. Oh, my God.

Speaker AAnd then is that the episode, there's also an episode where he wants to find out if he's a fun person. so he takes

Speaker Bthe person's pee, his urine

Speaker Aand he has it analyzed to see if there's any feel good chemicals like serotonin or anything. And he's like I just want you to know that you did have fun with me and I analyzed your urine.

MerlinHe decides this moving company has high labor costs so he decides to turn it into a fake workout where people That was so real. With the poor guy. Yeah, I've never been to a gym. And that weird facial hair. So anyway, and that, of course, he has to bring the private investigator back in for that to find out whether the spokesman has been using the gym equipment inside of the tiny storage shed that he got him. Yes. Anyway.

AlexOh, yeah. We should make clear that this is the same private detective that he uses throughout the entire series of the show.

MerlinYou got the private investigator. You got the judge. You've got the guy who does a photo. he does aging people in photos and he has no idea what he's doing he's just using photoshop and making people i know remember when he gets the gender of the kid wrong and that one yes that's a boy are you sure okay so i'm just being chris farley but it's it's a show about uh messing with your idea of reality in some ways which brings you up to the finale oh wow this is like

There's so many layers to this. There's so many fucking layers to this episode. Kevin, you didn't get a chance to watch this very, very, very long episode.

Speaker BI did not.

MerlinIt's okay.

Speaker BDid not.

MerlinYou'll still get paid.

Speaker BOh, God, thank you.

AlexI was so worried.

Speaker BI can talk about the live-action Aladdin. I can talk about Glass, the M. Night Shyamalan movie, but only the first half. And the Bo Burnham movie, Eighth Grade.

AlexSomeone was on a plane.

Speaker BThat's what I am. I can't play. Yeah.

AlexI'm like, what in the... Okay, there we are.

Speaker BTwo two-hour flights. Or four-hour flights to Seattle.

AlexYes, yes. That is a full workday on a plane. Yeah, it was great. Do you get those days off? Jen, do we get those days off?

Speaker BKevin was on vacation, so no. Yeah, we didn't go on cards business. That was not a work trip.

Speaker ACan we talk about finding Francis real quick, though?

Speaker BYeah, let's talk about...

Speaker AReal quick? Are you kidding me?

MerlinShould we do that in the after show? Because we're up to an hour and 15. Sounds good.

AlexYes.

MerlinKevin, say something funny.

AlexOh, no. Go. Quit. Otherwise, you don't get paid. Come on. Come on. Come on. Come on.

Speaker BNo.

AlexI got nothing. I can't say orgasm. It's just a mic, Kevin.

MerlinOh, God. We're killing our... How do we find a bit in there?

Speaker AHow do we...

MerlinHow do we find an out?

Speaker AGet us out of this, Cameron. Guys, just hit the eject button and move on. Bye. Oh, wait. Hang on. Hang on. Hang on.

MerlinReady?

Speaker CEverybody ready? Everybody ready? Yep, yep.

MerlinYou're ready to laugh, okay.

Speaker CAnd by the time we got there, they were all out of violins.

Speaker AYou're kidding me.

Show notes

Transcript

148. Bopium

Show notes

Transcript

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