144. The Vanilla Hilton

Speaker BThis is Do By Friday, a weekly challenge podcast with Merlin Mann, Alex Cox and Max Temkin. This week's challenge, use two towels.

AlexI never know how long to wait for call recorder.

MerlinI think, me neither. I've started watching for when it kicks in, and I feel like it's a little under five seconds, but it really has taken the fun out of starting a podcast.

AlexI think then I should really call you at 10 59 55.

MerlinI'm always here.

AlexYeah, I'll get on that. Sorry.

MerlinNo, no, I'm sorry. No, I didn't mean it that way. So.

AlexSo.

MerlinHow you doing?

AlexOh, I'm all right. I was just telling Toby and our engineer, Cameron, that I'm like 75% sure Max is either in Vegas and or dead.

MerlinThings to do in Vegas when you're dead.

AlexMm-hmm. You're not on the instantaneous gram, but he seems to be hanging out with Matt King, which is the guy who eats goldfish. So, hmm.

MerlinWell, those are English words in a sequence.

AlexSee, but that's the problem, is that is an accurate, true sentence I said, and I wouldn't...

MerlinMatt Gold? No, Matt what?

AlexMac. Mac. Oh, maybe, okay. Wait, did you two understand the sentence?

MerlinNo, no, no, no, this is not a slam on you.

AlexI want to find the goldfish boy and see if he's good. Mac King.

MerlinMac King. That's a terrible name. Mac King Goldfish.

AlexM-A-C. Macintosh King.

MerlinThat sounds like a guy to buy voices song.

AlexYeah.

MerlinOh, hilarious magician Mac King. Okay. Is he canceled because he eats animals?

AlexInteresting question. I don't know.

MerlinIt says here he extends his stay at Harrah's. Oh, he's a Las Vegas magic boy. Oh, him. Okay. All right. Oh, he kind of looks like a Tom Wolfe impersonator.

AlexOh, my God.

MerlinA little bit.

AlexCan't unsee it.

MerlinNo, no, no, no. Wait a minute. Boy, if Ken Jennings played a Tom Wolfe impersonator.

AlexOh, I can't unsee it. Wow.

MerlinDo you see it? Look at that nose.

AlexOh, he is a delightful man. I'm wondering what... This is the show. This is... Oh, okay. Hey, Jordan, how... Cameron, have I been injured? Wow, no one's looking at me. Never mind. Oh, no.

MerlinAre they rebelling?

AlexNone of them are looking at me.

MerlinHow the interns become self-aware.

AlexSince dad's gone, I guess I'm just here. Fine.

MerlinYou're the Conrad Laurens now. Gather them ducks, baby. Oh, my goodness.

AlexWhile we entertain this before, well, I'll text him. That's all right.

MerlinI can know where to be. I can know where to be. It's, boy, is it ever silly season.

AlexI've noticed that. I, the first time in maybe 10 years, five years, I don't know. This is going to make me sound like I'm a happy person. But I texted the two of you and didn't get a response. And I was like, oh, no one's answering my text. And I was like, whoa, whoa. And like, you know, two seconds later, I'm like, of course not. Max is like, I'm literally like watching him play games with famous people. And Merlin has a child. And I just wanted to let.

MerlinWhen did you do this?

AlexI don't remember. I just wanted to let you know that you are appreciated. Again, it was like a 0.5 seconds, but I was like, oh, I cherish the relationship I have with my friends.

MerlinOh, I do too. I cherish it much. I think about it a lot how, I mean, I have text relationships with a handful of people on a daily basis. you guys are probably just about because Max creates a lot of new groups sometimes Max gets on a little bit of a tear and he makes splinter tear off groups where like with an increasingly large or small

number of people that I know that I'm included in so like sometimes he puts things in this channel first of all my sense is you guys don't talk to each other except through this channel because you talk a lot about things like buying camera lenses and I say, do you need me for this?

AlexI have maybe instigated this once.

MerlinSee, you're being very touchy.

AlexSee, I am.

MerlinI'm very sensitive these days. I don't know. I'm getting a little shrill. Why are you so defensive? I know. I know. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. You hate men. Why do you hate men? Just because we do all the crimes and make sex on you.

AlexI mean, there were no Oxford commas in that manifesto. So that was upsetting.

MerlinOh, yeah. Yeah. You really noticed that. There's that one. There's the one with Jen that's about Survivor plus whatever Max wants to put there. There's one with Jen and Kevin that sometimes he puts things in there.

So, yeah, there's those. So really, you guys. There's one with my wife and my daughter. John Syracuse are pretty often. That's mostly my big ones. I text Roderick to see if he remembers we have a show literally every Monday at 10 a.m. Do a little jumping in with Todd. Boy, there's a lot with Max in you. Oh, I forgot about the one with Dr. Don. That's another one. Oh, my God.

AlexAnd there's the one that says the dream team, which I don't.

MerlinOh, that's Kevin.

AlexThat's right. That's Kevin and Jennifer Kahn.

MerlinIt's Jennifer Kahn. It's confusing, though, because you only get two faces. So I imagine if I'm seeing this, Max is seeing this, and this is probably why he puts random weird Twitter links, which he doesn't look at anymore. Random weird Twitter links could appear in any of these. CGP Grey. Here's a weird one. Here's a weird one with Dan Benjamin and Jason Finn from the presidents of the USA. That's a very strange one.

AlexThat is interesting.

MerlinI think Jason has recently discovered the show and the inscrutability of Dan. So that's fun. Oh, there's another one with you two. what's that one sad journal comics squad oh that's that's another one with kevin okay all right all right paul of paul and storm there's jen there's you oh oh uh todd todd and john that's a good one when it happens todd and snell lift um just kevin yeah i how do i still have any blank faces i don't

like the blank faces anyways so uh i like that um oh and then of course then of course max started an entire slack for some reason that i'm involved in um anyway uh there's that um and then so i enjoy i enjoy these things but oh so the whole point of what i was trying to make i'm sorry it's early um is that i mean i don't want to make this a thing about having a kid it's everybody has a

kid in there's in a sense in that everybody has times when there's something they're just doing stuff with it could be cooking uh it could be watching a tv show it could be uh driving but everybody's got things where they're like i can't stop what i'm doing right now really even to acknowledge this you know what I mean and if you get enough of those going on you I find these weird patterns as I've said before I feel like I get at some point in the afternoon my time pacific time there will be this bizarre confluence of notifications happening on my phone we're like

it's just weird I guess just a lot of stuff happens in my life around like between like three and five which I would partly peg to central and east coast people having an end to their day or we're bored

Alexnear the end of the day. Yes.

MerlinWell, like, when do you, first of all, do you notice anything like this? Doesn't it feel like there are times where, like, it's all quiet for a while and then do you get bursts of activity? Oh, I love the quiet times.

AlexOh, absolutely. At the same time, as well as there's, like, a middle, it's, like, the dark texting group, like, where, you know, everybody is talking at, like, 3 a.m. and you never know what's going to go on there. Not gross, sexy stuff. Don't go there, but just, like, yeah.

MerlinFor me, that's night Twitter.

AlexYeah, exactly.

MerlinPacific Night Twitter is a fun Twitter.

AlexIt really is.

MerlinBecause people get a little silly. We have some drinks and everybody, that's the time that I've got to do things on Twitter of any focus. I don't really have anything to say, well, necktie Twitter is stroking itself in the day hours. But at night, that's not when I got something to say. So you feel like, so you communicate a lot at night?

AlexSo that's the thing is I am either texting and communicating with people constantly all day long or not talking to anyone for days at a time because I'm not super great. And just now our friend of the show, Mrs. Soup, a.k.a. Kathy, just texted me and she has a lot going on. She is a kid. And sometimes I go days.

MerlinShe's a very cute kid.

AlexOh, God. I had the pleasure of meeting her kid, and I got her a great birthday card, and now we're on cool terms. I'm very excited.

MerlinOh, that's awesome. Well, don't forget about my kid. Yes. She needs you.

AlexDon't worry. Don't worry.

MerlinI know that a kid is maybe not a thing you're going to have soon, but you already have some kids. You need to maintain these relationships.

AlexI agree. No pressure. Here's the thing. No pressure. Ellie got in early. Oh, good.

MerlinSo she's grandfathered in.

AlexThere's a grandfather in, and also she's the first one in that age bracket because, you know, you got to keep, I need to keep my interests up, obviously. So I can only have so many interests in each, like, micro generation of childs. Because a 12-year-old is going to want something way different than an 8-year-old.

MerlinYeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Do you have any 8-year-olds in your life? Because Kathy's daughter is, I think, just a little younger than my daughter.

AlexNo.

MerlinRoughly the same age?

AlexNo, just enough that she is in another world, which is great.

MerlinOn the younger end, though, right?

AlexYes, on the younger end.

MerlinOkay.

AlexGlad I made all these relationships.

MerlinNo, but I mean, she seems communicative, and she has a very expressive face. Have you ever seen Todd's kids?

AlexOh, my goodness.

MerlinOh, fuck Todd. I fucking hate Todd. Todd's like, oh, yeah, we went on vacation. Here's some photos. I'm like, stop showing me your fucking cute kids, you dick. his daughter is like she's like I have a I really enjoy kids who look like they could be in a children's book that's my favorite kind of kid is a kid who looks like they would be Max is trying to call in what's he doing oh boy I'm not gonna place my call on hold I'm gonna reject your call

AlexMax oh oh well well

Merlinwell I can do that but yeah oh anyway we should come back to this later um she made last night she made a shrimp heaven now poster

Speaker Aoh my god

MerlinLike, is it a horror movie? Daniel, we can't keep doing this.

Speaker AThat's so good.

MerlinWhat's my responsibility here? Anyway, I don't know what to do. See, I don't want to put you on. See, okay. Oh, yep. Okay, I was on the horns of a dilemma because my choice was stop talking to my friend Alex and having this conversation or reject Max. I think he gave up. Do you want to dial him in?

AlexIt's like the end of The Good Son.

MerlinI don't know that, but that's probably what it is.

AlexIt's very funny to me.

MerlinIs that part of the good eye on the Skype, he says. Eye on the Skype.

AlexI think Cameron's patching him in.

MerlinBeep boop.

AlexNope. I hear some ruffling. I see somebody joined. Could it be shuffling?

MerlinIs that our magic boy?

AlexHuh?

MerlinHuh? Yeah, so. She's had a third wave of interest in papercraft that's turning out to be really fun. She's gone through these three waves of papercraft over the years. First, she was really into that. Remember we did the challenge where you go to that app

and you can do those easy ones. She's now making sushi and trees. She's making full 3D trees. She made a vase of flowers that looks like a vase and looks like flowers. And there's paper everywhere.

MaxThere we go.

MerlinHello. Hey, there's a magic boy. Were you hanging out with Matt King, the goldfish magician?

MaxI was hanging out with Matt King.

MerlinIs this your card?

MaxMy close personal friend, Matt King.

MerlinMatt King. He looks a lot like Ken Jennings if he's cosplaying Tom Wolfe.

MaxHe's my childhood hero and greatest living comedy magician.

MerlinWow. Really? Yeah. No, really? Yeah. Huh. Did you see him on TV and stuff?

MaxHe, Matt King.

MerlinWell, how did he become your childhood magic hero? Where did you get exposed? Was he on like Showtime or something?

MaxWhen I had my bar mitzvah, I didn't want to do like, you know, bar mitzvah stuff. And so I just wanted magic. And so Matt King came to my bar mitzvah. That was my bar mitzvah. You got Ricky Jade. I got Ricky Jade.

MerlinThat's what happened to Ricky Jade.

MaxYeah.

MerlinOh, man, that's so cool.

MaxYeah.

MerlinSo is he still at Harrah's?

MaxYeah. yeah that sounds right I think he's at Harrah's you can tell

MerlinI've spent a lot of time researching comedy magician Matt King

Maxyeah he's actually the number one if people ever go to Vegas they're like what's the coolest thing to do in Vegas it's Matt King's show in Vegas it's the funniest thing in the world

Merlinwe went to Vegas in 2000 the summer of 2000 my lady friend and me and we met my one of my best friends from back in Florida, my old housemate, Dennis, who was awesome. Not the one whose cat pooped on my pillow.

This is Dennis who said, if you see any bread, it's not here. That bread is mine. It doesn't exist for you. And we went to see the weirdest show. It was in the downtown area, which as we know is code. Downtown's not quite as glitzy as the four corners where all the good stuff happens.

Speaker AAnd who did we see?

MerlinWe went to see, what was his name? Marty, not Marty Feldman, Marty, one of those like 70s comics. And it was such a weird show and he had like a hot wife. Marty Allen. That's who he went to see. You know, there's those guys who get a hot wife. You know what I'm talking about, right?

Go Google Marty Allen.

AlexOkay. All right.

MerlinHis famous line is, hello there. So we went to this casino that had mostly like nickel slots and Marty Allen and his hot wife.

Speaker AI want to bring her out. She's a wonderful singer.

AlexOh, my goodness.

MerlinThat's his act? Well, he used to be on, he was on a lot of, okay, so this is always the kind of career that I dreamed of for friend of the show, John Roderick. I've been saying to John Roderick for years in a way that frustrates him, you should be this generation's Charles Nelson Reilly. You should be the guy who's on lots of panel talk shows, is what I said. Oh. So Marty Allen, he's probably a little before your time. Do you recognize that guy? Wouldn't that be great for him?

AlexI am very upset. How? Where is this hot wife? Is this what was...

MerlinOh, he looks like he passed. He passed a few years ago.

AlexHe looks like Danny DeVito in It's Always Sunny.

MerlinHe's always had funny hair. Marty Allen, hot wife.

AlexHot wife.

MerlinKaren Kate Blackwell. Karen Kate Blackwell.

AlexKaren Kate.

MerlinKaren, K, all K's. K. Is he having Tic Tacs again? I think he has an automated card shuffling machine.

MaxI'm just opening the windows. So we're at, this convention is at the Orleans, which might be the worst hotel in Vegas. The worst casino.

AlexWait, what convention?

MerlinIs it one of those ones that used to be a nice casino?

MaxI honestly cannot tell, but it is.

MerlinThere was one called like the Gold Coast or something like that. There was one where like, and you walk in there and it's like one of those YouTube videos of a place that used to be a mall. You just go in there. It's just huge open ballrooms with nothing happening.

MaxI haven't left this building in 36 hours. Like I checked in, but I have not gone out. I haven't seen the sun. It's just this whole convention is happening like in this casino. And it's, I think I'm losing my mind.

MerlinDo you do any gaming while you're there, Max?

MaxNo, there's no gaming. It's just, it's like talks. Yeah, it's talks about magic. And then there's lots of shows.

MerlinI'm sorry. I'm sorry to sound dim. What is the thing that you're at? It's a magic convention?

MaxYeah, I'm at Magic Live, which is the biggest magic convention. Oh, cool. That's great.

MerlinI think in the world. Well, you must really be in your corn. that's exciting for you you get to you get to rub elbows with all those magic people i'm having so

Maxmuch fun but also everyone got extremely sick after gen con and so i'm also just i'm dying

Merlinoh no i saw stew stew is sick i saw every almost i think there's something you know there's this

Maxthing that it's everyone calls it they're trying to be cute and they call it the con plague or the con funk or whatever and like it's disgusting and what it is is that people i don't know man and they don't wash their hands, and everyone's touching each other and sharing food, and I'm sick. Did you get sick, Alex?

AlexI didn't, but I took extreme measures this year. Like, I don't think I had a...

MaxYou can't be more extreme than I am. It's impossible. Like, I'm Purelling, I'm washing my hands, I'm elbow-bumping people.

AlexMax, Max, did you drink any open containers, or, like, did you drink any sort of liquids out of glasses at any dinner?

Maxwow don't do it someone might have put their thumb on the glass no i think that everybody's

Alexgonna come in with the milk come in with the milk you think because we're with people who are clearly exhausted and like this person's clearly getting sick and so i just have you see how i kind of have that dasani water bottle that looks like it um is filled with pee because it's got my little caffeine powders i did not drink a single open thing uh yeah you are you're going full you went

Merlinfull Howard Hughes in the sense that we're making a little joke here. It is very

Maxupsetting at these things watching Alex walk around with her piss jug.

AlexAnd it just gets bigger day by day as I get more and more tired and I add more.

MerlinYou got a big piss jug. You should carry two. You should carry one that's clearly water and one that clearly looks like yours.

Speaker AI do literally in my backpack.

MerlinIt's like when Nathan doesn't want to screw up which of the tubes is for pooping and which of those.

Speaker AChili, not chili. Chili, not chili. I love that show so much.

MerlinWow, okay. But you were Howard Hughes-y in the sense that if somebody hands you.

MaxI've got a new Howard Hughes. Okay. I won't use the glasses in the hotel room.

MerlinOh, fuck no.

MaxOh, that's so smart. That's so smart. I just have to say that if I was a housekeeper in a hotel room and I had a hundred – I assume there's some sort of boss that's yelling at me, you know, faster, faster, go, go. We have to get all these rooms done. I bet they're under a lot of workplace pressure and their job is very hard. And I think that if I was in their shoes and I came into the room and I would kind of squint at those glasses and I'd go, were those used? And then I would go,

Merlinno, I'm leaving them. This is before we even get to first principles. When you get to who has touched your toilet paper, who has touched your glasses, who has touched, I got to talk about the coffee maker in a second. But ask yourself this, who just touched all those things? The person who's been cleaning hotel rooms. Oh my God, the coffee maker. That can't be good to use. Ask yourself, well, ask yourself this. How often does that coffee maker, number two, how often does that coffee maker get a real good clean? And then number one, imagine what happens

to that coffee maker. Out of a hundred visits, all you need is one person coming in the coffee machine. That's all you need. And now that's just part of your drink now. You know, I mean, one German, one bored German, like there's not a good job, Don, and you just come in the coffee machine in the German style.

MaxHey, Siri, send a text to Dr. Don.

AlexOh, boy.

MerlinOh, das Kaffee ist gut.

AlexOh.

MerlinOh.

AlexYou know, while this is happening.

MaxDr. Don, we're recording Dubai Friday. Goddammit. And we need to know if it's safe to use the coffee machine in the hotel room.

AlexThe answer is going to be no.

MerlinCould you ask him if there's a way to know a German came in?

MaxNo, I already know the answer. Dr. Don's going to say it depends on your risk tolerance, and it depends.

MerlinOh, yeah, and your attack vector.

MaxAnd please don't give us any, quote, it depends nonsense answer, unquote.

MerlinAnd, like, to what level of certainty? Has he ever done a threat matrix on German coming? That's common.

MaxMerlin wants to know if you've ever done a threat matrix on the coffee machine.

AlexOh, I'll do lieber. Here's a new thing that I've decided to do in hotels. No turndown service. No, you just keep do not disturb on the entire time.

MerlinOh, yes. Oh, no, no, no. No housekeeping at all.

AlexNo housekeeping at all.

MerlinI love that. I love this.

MaxYou can tell how bad a hotel is. I think that one of the signature tells of how bad a hotel is now is how much they really really push the like we're green angle. And so, so I take it for granted.

MerlinThey should just put up a big bamboo sign that says, fuck you.

MaxI take it for granted that. So this one says this one, I've got to save our planet placard, like by the sink saying like, just throw your, your wet towels on the ground. And then I've got one on the bed saying like they were, it's like, it says like, throw this little sign on the floor. If you want us to change your sheets,

Merlinwe change, we change the sheets monthly. Cause we love the environment.

MaxBut check this out. When you check in, they go, we're committed to eco something. And if you decline to have any room service, we'll give you 10% off.

AlexWhat?

MaxInteresting.

AlexWait, on the whole. Oh, I'd probably do that.

MaxThey're like, that's just how much we love the earth.

AlexSo much. Here's the problem. And this will come back to our challenge. But I'm like, all right, I see these carts going around. And all these towels are just exposed to the open air all the time.

MerlinThey're just wet towels touching each other.

AlexYeah, and I'm wondering if you have checked out of your room and it appears like there's been no, like you haven't used the towels. Like, do they just put those back on the cart and then put them, like those have been right above a toilet. If the person before you has not put the toilet seat down and they have flushed, it's just a direct funnel upwards.

MerlinIt's effluvium. Oh, it's just a big poop capture.

AlexWe stayed at a gross hotel this weekend.

MaxDid you see the picture that Professor Chapman posted of it's a restroom and like a bathroom? And then it's just a wall of kegs of beer being stored in the bathroom.

Speaker AOh, no.

MaxAnd he's like, I wonder what the sanitizing procedure is for these kegs.

MerlinOh, but I'll bet when it gets real busy, you still spend 20, 25 minutes doing a tank wipe. Yeah, I bet they get real in there. Oh, God. Yeah, well, you really got me thinking about it, Max. I think it was you that got me thinking about the if you don't close the lid, it sprays everywhere. It gets splattered that you can't see everywhere. I think I do. I do really. I do think about that now.

AlexHow do you not?

MaxLet's see. I had another. I had I talked about this last week on the podcast where at the where were we saying at the Hilton in Indianapolis, Alex?

AlexYep. The Hilton Indianapolis Garden Inn.

MaxNo, no. We weren't at the Garden Inn. That's a different hotel.

AlexIt's the one with the circle. That's I don't know. The one where you pull in in in suites.

Maxthere's four Hiltons in Indianapolis but we were staying at the vanilla Hilton not the Garden Inn, not the Conrad just the Hilton and I had an issue where I talked about this on the show where I checked in at like 2 in the morning

Merlinoh yeah yeah with your lobby cart right

Maxand they would not give me a cart they said we're not authorized to give you a cart and so a lady had to unpack my things and bring all my shit up and unpack it and like it was it was just i just didn't like it i just didn't it was not a service that i wanted i just wanted to bring my own shit up to my room but you know when we go to gencom we drive and so my car is like before i do the laziest packing right i have all this like shit in my car and like inefficient stuff yeah yeah i do need the cart and uh then when so when i went to check out

i don't know why i was just like i had like a rough day and i and i was tired and i just needed the cart and so I went down to the bellhop or whatever and I was like may I please have a cart to pack my own room up

Merlinand they were like please have a cart

Maxplease. May I please have the cart and they said no we have to send someone up to pack your stuff up. So it was

Merlinjust to be clear now that means it was not one angry rogue agent. This is policy.

AlexI watched this all weekend.

MaxIt was crazy. I thought maybe it was like the 2am shift you know that whatever. Right and maybe somebody

Merlinfor whatever reason got a vibe about you. You seem like a cart thief to them or or you're going to come on it or something. Maybe they knew I was a magician. They could tell you. People got a vibe, but you got it again.

MaxYeah, so I go. This was in the middle of the day, and I go down. They had the carts. They weren't out. I could see them right there, and I said, may I please borrow a cart, and I promise I will bring it back in five minutes. I just need it to bring all my bags and stuff down because I have all these grocery bags with board games and prototypes and shit in it. And they were like, well, we could send someone up to pack all your stuff up. And I was like, no, thank you. I just want the cart. I don't need that. And they go, well, we're not allowed to do that. Our supervisor would fire us if we let you have the cart. And I said, well, does anyone at the hotel have a cart that I can borrow?

And they said, no, we do that service. And I was like, well, this is ridiculous. I was like, I've never stayed in a hotel where they wouldn't give you a cart. And they were like, well, we're a full service. The guy says to me, well, we're a full service.

What's the thing? Valet. We're a full service like valet service. because it's like also the guys who park your car, right?

MerlinOh, I remember the first time we went somewhere. I mean, I think this is weirdly related. The very first time when my wife and I stayed somewhere, because I grew up in Florida, where there's a giant parking lot for everything. And I remember the very first time we stayed at a hotel where you had to valet park your car and you had to pay $30 a night, full stop. If you've got a car, same deal? Do you think it's a similar deal here?

MaxThere was no other parking available at this hotel. I actually parked in a parking garage for two of the nights because I couldn't stand to use the valet.

MerlinWow. Okay.

MaxBut yes, it's the same deal. There's no parking lot at the hotel. If you're parking at the hotel, they're valeting your car. That's the only thing.

MerlinBut I just mean in that sense, A, it's a revenue stream. But it's also a way for them to conclusively say, we don't even have, like Apple's saying, we don't have a way to get to your data. In their case, they'd be like, well, you have to do valet parking. And I wonder if it's a similar thing here where – but like they're not going to – that's not a revenue stream for them. You might get a tip. But like why would you be so aggravated? Why would you be so hostile like that?

MaxI gave the girl five – the first time we brought my shit up, I gave her five bucks. But I was under protest. I said, I really don't want this service. I said, please just let me bring my own things up. And then I felt like I had to tip. What am I going to not tip her? So it's not her fault. So I gave her five bucks. So anyway, on the way – and then I couldn't let it go. So I went to the front desk and I said, I'd like a cart. And they were like, we don't have any carts. And I was like, what kind of a hotel doesn't have a luggage cart? Like, that's like a core competency of the hotel of letting me bring my bags up and down. And they were like, well, it's only the valet. And then at this point, I'm getting into it with the guy.

And so the valet comes down and he's like, I could be happy to send someone up to pack your stuff up. And I'm like, but I wouldn't be happy to have that happen. And he goes, well, it's our policy that any time that you have a valet cart, It has to be attended by one of our staff people who handles the bags. And I said, well, it's my policy that I never have a staff person with me that I always handle my bags myself. So now our policies are in conflict. And we have to resolve this somehow. And the guy goes, well, we're a full service valet, so I can't let you do that. And I said, well, right now it's a no service valet because there's only one thing I want, which is the cart, and you won't give it to me.

And he goes, well, that wouldn't be service. And I said it would be service to me because that's what I want. And then in the end, I didn't get the cart.

Merlinokay you should have demanded trial by combat

Maxi choose the mountain

Merlinwho will be my champion

Maxi could i don't know i couldn't let it go i never get into those like customer service altercations I'm like the opposite of a let me talk to your manager guy. And I just couldn't, for whatever reason, I just couldn't let it go.

MerlinYou go through this thing where you're like, I went through this recently with UPS in a way that became extremely comical. And even as I was on the phone, and I was having a conversation with a person who was saying English words, and I still couldn't understand what anyone was saying. I was very confused. And she just kept saying, this has been updated. It is at the warehouse. I said, I understand. you've had it out for delivery for four days now and then it goes back to the warehouse and she says that's correct and i say okay so when so i realize i sound i sound like a character in a

kafka novel when will the thing arrive at my house and she says well the latest update is that it's it's currently at the warehouse and i said i understand that i said i said the thing is it had been out for delivery three days and then on saturday i called you it was the third time i called you and I said you I said it's not here and they said it was at the warehouse and they said they left called they left me a message and said it'll definitely deliver it on Monday it'll be on and then on Monday it went out and then at one o'clock I got a delay exception and it said it had gone back to the warehouse and she says that's correct it's currently at the warehouse

I said I said I'm really explaining this so poorly um I feel I feel really bad to keep bringing this up this is a very costly this is a very costly chair for me it was a lot of money when do you Do you have a new chair? I got a new chair. When will the chair arrive? And she said, well, the latest update that I have from your local warehouse is that it is at the warehouse right now. And I said, thank you. Do you have any? What I'm wondering is, do you know when the chair will be delivered? Because it's been out for delivery for four days. And she said, I've just checked.

And if you just give me a minute, I will contact the local warehouse. And so I was on hold. And then she came back. She said, the latest update is it's currently at the warehouse. and I said thank you for that update. Do you have any sense of when, given that it's been out for delivery every four days and has a delay exception every afternoon, do you have a sense of what the problem might be? Is something wrong? Is the chair broken? Has it been recognized as ammunition in customs? Is there anything that you could tell me about when it would actually be delivered? Because the thing is the reason I bought it was to have it and Amazon went ahead and used y'all for the delivery part.

So it's been out for delivery for four days. do you have a sense of when it will arrive? She said, currently the latest update is that it's at the warehouse. And I said, okay. I ordered it last week from Amazon and then they used UPS. Do you have a sense of when it will be delivered? And I think she put me on hold again. And she came back and said, it's currently at the warehouse. Is there anything else I can help you with today? I said, no, thank you. Thank you. I'm very

Maxsatisfied with my care. The best is when you finally defeat the

Merlinswordsman the left-handed swordsman the final the final customer service boss

Maxit's your personal ups canon yeah yeah so you you defeat the left-handed swordsman and the giant right and now you get to the final stage oh no and they put you and the guy and you're just about to do the poison challenge and the guy goes let me put you on hold for one final time you wait

Merlinon hold for 40 minutes and then it just hangs up on you oh i love i love that and then you call back i okay so i did i did make my daughter cry when you call when you call back in that scenario they

Maxalmost always make you fight the left hand towards men again you start right back in the beginning

Merlinyou gotta fight the left this the six-fingered man is is you have to start you basically start over and you'll have they go well do prima dos and then yeah and you go back through the whole thing again and they say what's your tracking number and so from the other room my my daughter heard me i had a whole drafts document to keep track of all that was happening she heard me from the other room um say help help operator fuck fuck operator help agent agent and she came in crying she said what's wrong i said shh i'm being helped fuck fuck operator agent agent help fuck fuck

Fuck. Okay, I just need to get a... I need to know your tracking number. Fuck, fuck, agent, operator, help, help. I sounded like a robot who had become self-aware the minute it realized it was going to die. Tears and rain. Tears and rain, operator, help, help. Fuck, fuck, fuck.

What's wrong, Daddy? Shh. Daddy's being helped. It's at the warehouse. Shh. That's the latest update. It's at the warehouse.

Alexit's been out for delivery four times oh wow i had no empathy until the robot um time to die

Merlini really felt like i was losing my goddamn mind because i did reach a point where i had been through this for five business days and the same thing happened every day and no one would admit

Maxit was weird that's so strange did you get the chair yes i'm sitting in it now oh is it nice Oh, send us a little chair pic.

MerlinNo, it was costly. I don't want to discuss it. I'll send you a photo, but you're not allowed to talk about it.

MaxSo Dr. Dr. Don wrote me back. He says, I have not done a threat matrix on the hotel coffee machines. And he goes, I have used hotel coffee makers before. If that helps you gauge risk. And he said, it's pretty low risk. The water is boiled and the coffee is not that dirty.

AlexYou didn't ask about drinking the coffee. You asked about using the coffee maker. that's way too different things.

MerlinWell, yeah, like what if you boil the water in a toilet? I mean, it's still a toilet. That's okay. No, it's got a flecks of poop in there, but it's boiled, it's fine. Get Professor Chapman on this.

MaxThat's a handsome chair. You know, that kind of looks like the captain's chair from Voyager.

MerlinIt sort of does. The arms move a lot and without much touching, and Syracuse recommends taking the arms off,

Speaker Awhich I'm not sure I'm ready for. Oh, that's an arm-off chair.

MerlinBut it's extremely adjustable, and yeah, it doesn't look like

MaxYou gotta get Alex in there. Every week she'll take one part of the chair off to

Speaker Adisorient you. You're coming in one day. There'll be no wheels.

MerlinToday, two wheels, one arm. Left arm. Left arm, two wheels. Like, check my sheet.

Speaker AI'm helping. Toby, Toby.

MaxI think this is what Alex would do if she was like a Bond villain. She'd be like, Mr. Bond, let's see how you deal with three wheels, no cushions. Not so easy to roll. now we should he'd be like he'd be like can you go back to beating my testicles please

Merlincan i have the rope beating again oh no he's like a wheel off my rope beating chair who gets a chair like that that's so weird you go to like extreme restraints you're like i would like something that's kind of like a toilet where i could make a government agent sit on it and then i hit his balls with a big naughty rope it's a naughty rope and he's a he's a bad boy you know

Maxit's not really discussed in the James Bond canon, but he's 100% infertile.

AlexI've often thought about if I were to torture the male anatomy, I don't really know how, like I don't, I really have no desire to ever kill a human being, but I bet there's a situation in which I'm going to have to torture someone's balls. And I don't know how to, could I kill somebody?

MaxLike as a Patreon reward?

AlexYeah, like, okay, so we've got that $100,000 Patreon reward. If I full on cut them off, do you bleed out? Like, do you poke it with a stick? I truly.

MerlinLike fantasy cut or like real cut?

AlexNo, no, no. Like, full on. I just saw Midsommar, so I'm a little bit like.

MerlinWell, that's a medical procedure, Alex. I don't know if we're authorized to do that. You could fake cut it. You could make them give you money. You could do financial ball smacking. That's huge right now.

AlexSo I've heard. So I've heard. I'd be the worst dominatrix.

MerlinYou should hack. You should be like that lady who hacks into your computer. You should do that.

AlexI could do that. I can get into your Wi-Fi. Like, oh. Well, not with Eero.

MerlinI think you're already torturing them, Alex, just by not being interested in them sexually. I think that's all the torture any man needs.

AlexYeah. I want a manifesto written about me. Wow.

MerlinMore like a woman of Festo.

AlexMore like a fee Mesto.

MerlinCome to Dubai, sweetie.

AlexI feel like there hasn't been a lot of Arabian Prince activity lately. And it makes me a little bit worried that they've killed all the Falcons. Because what else are you going to talk about on Reddit with Arabian princes?

Merlinthere's a rumor there's a rumor that mbs is dating lindsey lohan what what wrong did i dream that i don't know mbs lindsey lohan she's got a lot of balls in the air what's going on between lindsey lohan oh no lindsey lohan oh my gosh she's very dewy um oh oh my gosh she's so moist

Alexshe oh man she's kind of i feel about her the same way i feel about amanda binds where like i just wanted to be your best friend as a kid like when you want to be best friends with somebody in high school and then you realize oh really dodged a bullet there oh no lindsey lohan i just want i

Merlinjust want her to be happy you think she likes falcons in what sense like in a sexual way like in an intimate way no just as a sporting hobby oh i bet she fucking loves who wouldn't love a

AlexWho doesn't like Falcons?

MerlinFalcons are badass, man.

AlexYeah, no, no. Who wouldn't like a hog? What were you saying about hotel rooms?

MerlinThat doesn't matter. I feel like one way to quickly gauge how much you can trust. There are many ways to gauge how much you can trust your hotel room. I think if you only can check one thing, look behind the television set.

MaxLet's look right now.

MerlinHang on. I'm going mobile. I'm going mobile. I can almost promise you it's going to be more dusty than you would like. but they're also maybe it's quite quite clean back there okay well then you're that's okay that's just the first pass i'm saying if you walk into a hotel room oh no wait if that's real real bad you know that place has not gotten a good cleaning in a while it's it's quite dusty back

Alexthere i actually feel good about this because i often do like i you know i often break the rules and pull everything out to get to the hdmi something or other and usually it's pretty clean cleaner than my my tv all right all right what what's step two oh oh i mean there's a whole

Merlinbunch we should i mean i think i've covered this on back to work but i have an entire i had never

Alexheard the i have never heard the tv one that is very good well i have a whole protocol i go through

Merlini mean like for example max mentioned seeing the green placard uh in the bathroom well that's a rookie mistake because the first thing you do when you walk in there you look at the behind the tv and you say, should I even be here? I pick up every piece of marketing material and put it in a drawer. Anything that has printing on it from the company has to go in a drawer.

AlexSame.

MerlinThat's one. Fake plants go in the closet.

AlexOh, but you touch the fake plants? Why?

MerlinWell, I mean, you know what? You're right.

AlexIs this an aesthetics thing? Because I totally understand that.

MerlinOh, it's a sanity thing. I need to make it my own. You know what I'm saying?

AlexAll right.

MerlinTake all those pillows off the bed. Throw them away. throw the pillows away, take the bedspread off the bed.

AlexAbsolutely. Absolutely.

MerlinThat is covered with cum.

MaxFor me, there's something about being in a hotel room where I'm constantly, I'm never, okay, let me start here. Whenever you're living out of a hotel room or whatever, you're never like on time for anything. Like every single thing in your life is a last minute panic, right? Like when you, Alex, do you agree with this? Like when we're at these conventions and you're in a hotel for a week, like you're never like, oh, look at that.

MerlinYou really lose track of time in general, don't you?

MaxWell, it's just, it's just, it's like you're working these long hours. I mean, you have like, you have like, you know, like literally like 19 hour days. You're not sleeping. Like you're, you're, you're whole, you have no routine. Like everything is chaos. And then it's like suddenly like people are texting you and they're like, let's get breakfast in five minutes. You're like, ah, running around.

Speaker AYou're like, where's my, where's my everything.

AlexTravis McElroy's here. Where's Max?

MaxYeah.

AlexYou need some piss water to be on time. I'm telling you.

MaxIt's a really crazy situation. And so then you add to that that you don't know where anything is. Like all your stuff is just scattered. Now, I have my little Red Ox valet, right? I'm staring. I'm looking at it right now. And it's got my wallet, my hotel key.

MerlinA little snappy basket? The snappy basket?

MaxThe snappy basket.

MerlinFirst thing I take out. It's always on top of my suitcase. First thing you do, take out the Red Ox.

MaxWe should have like an affiliate deal with them.

MerlinYou should. I love that thing. Yes, that is a very important piece. Because that's where you put your wallet, you put the keys.

MaxMerlin, I've got to give it up to you. You said this, and we all made fun of you in the Alps episode. And then I thought about it, and I thought about it, and I said, you know, I never know where my keys and wallet are in the hotel room. And so I bought the little—

MerlinYou know what it is? The Red Ox Snappy Bass Stick is home. That's home. You start, that is home. When that goes down, that's where the important things go. because the hotel room will eat everything unless you keep it. I don't even take things out of my packing cubes. I put the packing cubes into a drawer maybe. Who knows who's come in that drawer?

AlexOh, no. You put things into drawers? I apologize.

MerlinIf I'm there for a while, if I'm there for a while, sure.

MaxI will open the drawers to deposit any of the sort of hotels, papers. I'll unplug any sort of – Oh, you know what they fucking love now are these like iHome phone docks that you glow. They just have a million lights and LEDs on them.

MerlinWith a 30-pin jack on it.

MaxYeah. So that immediately gets unplugged, and it goes into the drawer. It all goes into the drawer.

MerlinDo you unplug all your phones? Do you unplug the phones?

MaxOh, everything's getting unplugged and putting in the drawers.

MerlinI put the phones in a drawer, too.

AlexI'm afraid that I'll set on fire and not escape. That's my one thing I don't unplug.

MaxAnd then here's the key thing. Here's a technology that you should consider adopting, Merlin. then the drawers are never opened again the drawers must always remain sealed because then when you go to pack you've now eliminated that one thing of like is there something in a drawer

Merlinpsychologically you have removed all of the hotelness that you can so if you do leave everybody leaves a charger behind sometimes something like that but now you know I mean also you know I use an anchor hub where everything is in one area I'm not one of those idiots who fucking oh just plugging my phone in this wall over here, put it behind the chair. Like, no, don't do that. You want to minimize the amount of spread that you can do. I just don't like living out of a literal suitcase for more than a day or two, personally. But I like this technology.

Yeah, I feel like you've got to make it your own, but, you know, there's just so much calm in there. I mean, just so much historical

Maxcalm. I've also got my magic stuff. I've been struggling over the last year with, like, how do I travel with my magic? How much magic stuff is the right magic stuff to bring, and how do I travel with it? and I've put a lot of work into like over the years like I have like a podcast rig that I'm talking to you on right now and it's quite small like I've bought enough like Marco products that it all fits into it all collapses into nothing it can share a packing queue with my socks and my suitcase and I've really had to do a lot of work on the

magic problem to figure out what the right amount of magic is and I got it down so small for this trip I'm so excited that's a nice feeling that's a really nice It's one little zippered pouch. It's like a half of a toiletries pouch. Very small.

AlexI have to think about how Max gets his magic tricks into things and wondering, like, why can't be... We've talked about this. There aren't a lot of magic pants made for women, but why don't they make, like, tampon pants for women? So you just have little holsters that are hidden, like, at your ankles.

MaxOh, like a bandolier.

AlexYeah. Like you just, there are so many, there's so much bullshit we need all the time. And I.

MerlinLoad, snatch, misdirection, tampon.

AlexThere was this commercial in the late.

MerlinHe's putting out the cigarette. He's grabbing the golf tee. He's got the, he's got the tampon. He's wearing his magic pants.

AlexDo you remember the commercial where this is when there was like the new tampon technology of basically it was small. Like that was the only thing.

MerlinLike the OB? Like when the OB first came out?

AlexThe, I don't even, see, I don't, no, no, no, no. I think it was after that. But there's this commercial. It is a high school class. One girl's passing a colorful thing to another.

MerlinYou can put it like in a clutch. Yeah.

AlexYeah. And the teacher goes, come up here, bring that with you. And the girl brings her lovely little tampon to the front. And he goes, well, did you bring enough for the whole class? And she's like, just the girls. Ha, ha, ha. And that's the whole commercial. And I realized it worked really well because I still remember that weird thing.

You're making a me noise. What's wrong? Is it because I'm talking about tampons? I'm sorry.

MaxDo you know the guys from, do you know the, so we complained about they don't make the commuter jeans anymore, right? The Levi's commuter jeans. The nice commuter jeans. And then these, the good ones. I mean, they still make them by name, but it's a different product and they suck. And so we got an email from our friends at Dearborn Denim, and they said we make high-end, awesome blue jeans in Chicago. So they invited us to go visit the factory and check out the jeans, and you already anxiously emailed them back. And you said, if we do it but I wear a pair of Levi's, will I be in trouble? And they said no.

And I went on their website to see what their deal was, and then I got so excited about their offering that I went that – I stopped everything I was doing that day, and I went to the Dearborn Denim store, and I got two pairs of pants. And they're amazing. So here's number one. Here's the first thing they do right. It's called Dearborn Denim. So here's the first thing they do right.

Have you ever – okay. You know Levi's? What I like about Levi's is they don't look like anything. It's like Westworld when they see something not from their world. It doesn't look like anything to me. I really would prefer to not be noticed for the type of pants that I'm wearing. and so to me if you get any brand other than Levi's they generally have some sort of crazy they've got fucking flames on them or they're distressed or they have like racing stripes there's something on them where you're like

Merlinto your point they're trying to look like more than Levi's on purpose correct and

Maxthere's something about it where you look at them and you go these are weird man like you're trying to get noticed for your pants and

Merlinhey nice pads are those prescription pads

Maxmore power listen more power to you if you're like if you're like flames flame decal on your pants guy i mean that that's cool but uh that's for me but um uh what's cool about dearborn denim is they make very very super high as far as i can tell super high quality denim that feels amazing and it it's not the same as levi's but it it just looks like darted knees

Merlinyeah well i love darts i love darts are so thoughtful that's a nice nice way to finish

Maxsomething those are their somewhat goofy commuter ones which i didn't do i just did the normal i

Merlinjust did the normal skinny jeans okay well i'm on the wrong page then okay yeah just just look at

Maxthe normal the normal commuter they're the normal skinny jeans but here's the thing so here's the deal when you go to the dearborn denim store they do not sell pants by length they sell them by waist size so you select the pair you want by waist size and then they measure you and they hem them in the store while you wait to your to your specifications and uh you have no idea what a fucking game changer this is for me oh i absolutely do oh my god like if you're not i mean i have a i'm a weird i'm in a regular height so i always need to get my pants hemmed but if

Merlinthere's people out there all of my body i have this improbable you know like models look like every part of them's long where you look at a model and you're like they have long legs and a long torso how is that possible i have short everything i have short everything my penis is amazing but my rise is very short and so it's and so everything i feel like i i look like i'm trying to make some kind of like old man joke with all my pants and then they're too long and then it's

Maxjust it's just all their jeans are just are just huge tubes of fabric that go down forever and then they and then they and then they measure you in the store and they hem them right there and i was like this is the greatest they have two stores in chicago the store was super nice the guy was super helpful he hemmed the jeans for me and it's all i've worn since i'm fully converted over under your born denim i give them my my strongest endorsement you're selling you're selling past

Merlinthe clothes i need to have these right now okay so i see tailored relaxed slim why don't you come no that's not gonna happen i did slim tailored okay well what's the distinction between tailored and slim slim is tighter tailored is normal relaxed is jokey jankos yeah okay so tailored is normal is that right tailored is normal i believe that's right yeah what am i looking at

Maxhere 10 ounce 13 ounce we can get 13 ounce dark wash now i did black i i did all black jeans because i've decided because i i kind of want i'm going for that kevin budnick look like kevin always looks cool in those dark jeans right right he's got the stems for it yeah 10 ounce stretch

Merlindenim. I'm going to start out with, I'm going to start out, I'm going to do 35. But they're not going to hem them.

MaxThey're not going to hem them for you because you're not, you have to come into the store. You're missing the whole thing. Well, I can tell they're

Merlingoing to do something like hemming because guess what? They've got different sizes of length that aren't just even numbers. Here's the thing though. I'm going to get 35, 31. Look at me. I'm a hideous freak. Everything about me is odd numbered. 35, 31. That's not a pair of pants I've ever seen in my life. They don't make them because apparently I'm a hideous freak. Oh, this grotesque read does not deserve odd numbers. Hang him by the neck until dead.

MaxSo, Alex, here's what I'm thinking. I think we need to go to tour, to hang out with the Dearborn Denim people and tour the factory. And then I think we need to start to get them to make special pants for us.

MerlinDo they make wind jackets?

MaxI already want special magic pants. I need some special features in my pants for magic. And I think that you should get your tampon bandolier pants.

AlexI want my hand.

Maxin the ankle just one little how hard could that be it's one little piece of fabric and they sew it in

AlexI can see

Merlinand they support Apple Pay so I just bought pants

Alexoh if that doesn't get you to Chicago nothing will

Speaker Ado you ever think

Alexabout what I like to have this thought experiment every few months of I wonder what would get Merlin to Chicago but it ends pretty quickly it doesn't go

Merlinwhy do you want me there? what would be the purpose of that? so we can hang out and eat prime rib I mean can we just do it by Skype?

Maxyou'd be on one of those telepresence robots you'd come rolling into the steak place you'd be like what are the sides please?

Speaker Athe sides

Merlingreen spinach please

Speaker AI love you

Merlinokay I've ordered pants they don't have tampon well they might have tampon holes i don't know it might be a special

Alexlike when like those video stores that used to have like 18 plus it's like you can only

Merlinenter here if you have a vagina i bet you gotta go through the swinging western saloon doors yeah

Maxor there's there's velvet like the velvet thing wow alex that is not that is not very woke of you is it?

AlexNo, I'm sorry.

MerlinAre you saying they're porno pants? Oh my gosh, all right. Performance characteristics of porno pants. Oh, I mean, it's all pants.

AlexYou put a phone in.

MerlinIt's like a union suit, but for a dick. It's got two little buttons, and you just pop it open.

AlexThere's got to be some kind of wicking material, right?

MerlinOh, to wick away moisture?

AlexYeah.

MerlinWhat if you want to put it in a popcorn box?

AlexOh, I see.

MerlinI don't know. I mean, I think we need to plan for every woman.

AlexAll right. All right. So for your penis.

MerlinYes. For my penis, which is awesome, even though I have a short rise.

AlexThat's very big. We've established.

MerlinIt's been highly commended. Yes.

AlexI wonder, oh, what if it's like one of those silent Velcro type things? Like it looks like it's a zipper fly, but really it's just you quietly.

MerlinIs that a Werner Herzog movie? The doc just crept over as I entered the theater.

AlexTick-tock challenge!

MerlinWell, also I prepped for this one. I did too!

AlexI know, I prepped for this. Did you see my prep? No, no, I need to go back into the doc.

MerlinNo, tell us your bit. Merlin, go through the bits that you wrote. Oh, do your bit first, Alex. I have to... I'm going to have a bit.

MaxWhat's the deal when you're on an airplane?

Speaker AYou're telling me one kid's allergic to a peanut, so we can't have peanuts?

MerlinYou had something. I think this is you, given that it's not... Oh, I see your pink cursor. Oh, yeah, that's me?

AlexWow, you made me pink. Wow.

MerlinI didn't make you anything.

AlexCan I change your color? I can change your color? Oh, wait, I don't know. I see you as pink, too.

MerlinBecause John Syracuse is pink and it's upsetting to me. I don't think I can change your color.

MaxPut your cursor in the cursor resting zone.

MerlinIn the cursor resting area. Dig, dig, dig, dig.

AlexOh, do we, so, well, do we want to talk about the, oh, God, I can't even say it. Trump's method of liking tweets?

MerlinPlease.

AlexAll right.

MerlinReading series.

AlexI'm going to do a Temkin. Intelligencer. intelligence sir trump's method method of liking tweets is needlessly complicated the irony of donald trump's twitter dominance is that apart from his apparent mastery of micro blogging of the micro blogging platform he's largely a luddite he doesn't use a computer he's likely never downloaded an app and as political politico reported monday he does all of his news reading with the exception of Fox News chyrons on paper.

He even has his staff print out the Drudge Report for him.

MerlinThat looks great on a resume, by the way.

AlexYep, totally. Printed out the Drudge Report.

MaxThe Drudge Report, by the way, has no articles.

AlexLike, all of these is just links. It's just a headline. But the most eye-popping revelation from Politico's dive into Trump's reading habit is that in his decidedly analog method for liking... I can't read. First, a quick reminder.

All right. The president has even been known. I got it. I got it. I wasn't prepared, but now I got it. The president has even been known to send printouts of tweets he likes. After he liked one Gats tweets, he had it printed by a staffer, signed it, and requested that no Oxford comma again. Wow. And requested that it be sent to, is it Gats? Gates. Gates congressional office where the now framed tweet hangs. So I can't tell from the original Politico article.

Does he do this with every liked tweet? Does he just like go through Twitter and like them? And then he has people print stuff out?

MerlinI don't think so. I think he's using I think he's using the Twitter app. Him or or Pascal or maybe who? No, Scavino. Right. Scavino is another one that does a lot of his stuff. I've heard many different reports about how he does this. I've heard that he dictates, but like there's just certain things. I don't know. I think he probably uses the Twitter app, don't you? There's no way. I don't know. I just, I don't know. I've just always assumed that. But on the other hand, he also very much strikes me as somebody who does not read replies.

I think when he retweets and likes and all that stuff, the stuff, the really, really awful stuff, I get the feeling that could be him, but I get the feeling that's probably Scavino. Scavino finding something he knows that Trump would be into. So whenever people say Donald Trump tweets this, Donald Trump retweets that, I was like, well, I mean, that's kind of like saying UPS tweeted that. Well, no, somebody who works at UPS tweeted that. You know what I mean? I think there's a team of people who are probably involved. I mean, let me ask you this.

Have you ever seen any photos of him holding an information phone?

AlexNo, no, no, no.

MerlinI mean, given how much he appears to be engaged with Twitter, doesn't it seem like, I mean, have you ever seen like a lump in his pocket from a phone? Like, it's just weird. It is strange that like, given how much, but I guess again, on the other hand, there's not that many photos of him watching TV. So I don't know.

AlexI think he always has a phone on him, even if that phone isn't charged. It's like he wants that power of he's got the phone.

MaxNo, I think he's from a different, he's from another generation where it's more powerful to have someone else hand you the phone when you want it. He doesn't like being handed things.

AlexYeah, but he had the little pissy fit where he wanted to keep his phone when they tried to give him like a lockdown iPhone or something.

MerlinBecause he had that incredibly compromised Android phone.

MaxIt's not like in his own pocket though. It's that he didn't, so the issue is that he probably has some staff person or aide who carries around all the shit with him. He's got a Gary and the Gary hands him a phone and he doesn't want a phone he doesn't know how to use. He only knows how to use the Android. It's all about that he doesn't want to do any work to learn a new phone.

MerlinYeah, but now, no, but I mean, the activity on the phone is now, or on Twitter, it's always iPhone now. As Todd and other people pointed out, it used to be you could tell the ones that were from him versus his staff. Boy, God, that was a fun time. When it was from an Android phone, you knew it was him. And if it was from an iPhone, you knew it was one of his staff. And Todd and some other people did some really good research on that.

AlexI still think even if it isn't on him, his Gary always has a phone that's like, quote, his. You know what I mean?

MerlinHe's so into phones. Now, look at how often there's a phone in the picture in this photograph. He loves phones. He loves being photographed, like talking on the phone in his fucking car. I think he loves phones, and I think he loves signing things, which was what inspired me to do a fast whistle-stop tour. So in this case, he loves signing a piece of paper that has a tweet on it. And then he gives that to somebody so they can frame it. Somebody horrible from Florida like Matt Gaetz. So I just want to do it. You can click these links if you want. I know many of these are already well known. I just want to do a quick whistle stop tour of some of the things that Donald Trump has autographed.

AlexAll right. Go for it.

MerlinJust real quick. There's a time he visited people after a storm in Alabama. And he signed Bibles. There are photos of the Bibles that he has signed. He signed a wall at a storm shelter where there had been a tropical storm and people in Houston had been evacuated. He signed a shelter.

Snopes checked. He did sign a lady's chest. There's a photograph of that. He signed a $20 bill that's available on eBay. He signed a copy of Playboy that he was on the cover of. And my favorite, as pictured in our show notes, is when he sent a printout of a map to Bibi Netanyahu. he signed it and then pointed to the Golan Heights with a sharpie arrow and said, nice.

AlexOh my God.

MerlinBut he signed a map of Israel. Because, you know.

AlexNice.

MerlinWhat do we mean when we say on the nose? Nice. Wow. Nice heights. Wow. So that bit wasn't very good. But I'm very intrigued by how much he loves. And then, of course, it became a whole meme where he loves signing something. And you have to admit, he has a very cool autograph. But he loves holding up the thing he just signed, like he just made poopy. He's like, check it out. I totally signed this.

MaxYou have to understand that Trump is kind of a cosplayer. He's this kind of dumb guy.

MerlinThe poor man's idea of a rich man. Was that Annie Leib? Yeah. Who's the lady you like in New York? Alex, what's her name? Haberman? No, yeah, yeah. It was at least... All the Jewish women in New York? What? Fix this so that I sound smart.

The writer, the dykey writer in New York that we love. What's her name? Fuck.

AlexThat's literally half of the lesbians in New York. What are you talking... Alison Bechtel? Is that...

MerlinThree, two, one. Somebody once said that Trump is the poor man's idea of a rich man.

AlexAh, yes. Alison Bechtel.

MerlinWrong dyke.

AlexWait, which one?

MerlinWho am I thinking of? It's not Annie Leibovitz. Fran Leibovitz? Fran? I don't know. Who's the dykey writer in New York?

AlexOkay.

MerlinAlex, you know all these people. Dykey writer New York. Aren't you on a slack with all these people?

AlexThese, I literally don't.

MerlinFran Leibovitz. Frances Ann Leibovitz.

AlexOkay. Okay. I genuinely on my life don't know who that is.

MerlinAnyway, three, two, one. They said it's in the warehouse. They said it's in the warehouse. And that was the latest update. And I said, thank you for that update to the information. So the reason that I bought it from Amazon and that they sent it through the UPS service is that when I bought the chair, which is very costly for me, it's a lot of money for me. I don't want to sound like I'm dunning you about this, but there's a lot invested in this chair. I said, do you have any sense of when it will be delivered as the chair that I purchased from Amazon and sent through UPS? And she said, according to the latest update, it's still at the warehouse.

So, Fran Leibovitz. Boy, I really took you off. Cosplay, cosplay.

MaxNo, that's okay. He's just, he's, he's a, he's a, he's, he's not a very smart man. He's a pretty dumb guy. And he just sort of, he just sort of in the eighties, he realized that he was going to basically be an actor playing the part of an eighties business guy. You know, I don't think that he makes any deals. Like, I don't think he's involved in any of this stuff. I think that he's basically licenses his name. And then he has this incredible instinct for like attention. And he realized, like, like, it's not even he realized. It's like the grifters around him realize that Trump can go around and sort of get – he commands attention.

Like there's just something about the guy. He's got that sociopath instinct of like he can make the whole room just like look at him and talk about him and make everything about him. And he was good at manipulating like the tabloid press and then the real press and now the whole country. and he's not doing it for any reason other than that that's just like instinctually what he wants to do but he's like cosplaying this this these increasingly important roles in society and so

Merlinthe republican party i mean it would be like saying a bear is good at sleeping or a lion's good at eating it's like it is just his instinct as you said he's realized that he's a he's he's a man who came from money who was then able to play the role of someone who had money let's not even talk about the fact that if he just stuck it all in an index fund he'd have 10 times more money today because he's an idiot. But you really nailed it, though, because you get to the time of The Apprentice, where now he is cosplaying himself as a more successful version of himself, which then did actually

bring him money such that he could license his name.

MaxBut I think Trump was ahead. I think he's always been a little bit ahead of his time, even now, in the way that he understands optics. He understands how to give those pictures to people. It's like cosplayers know. they're like, well, I'm not going to exactly become this video game character. But people who are really good at cosplay and they're really good at making those costumes, they're like, okay, if I were to break down this character, the things that make you recognize them are like the shoulder pads, the weapons, and the makeup. And if I can nail those three things, you'll buy it, right? And Trump gets it. He's like, in order to cosplay as the president, I need to hold up a lot of binders and I need

to sit at a desk with a phone on it. He's really good if he gets those.

MerlinBut he's also very committed to it. Whereas somebody like Delaney just looks like an idiotic thumb up there cosplaying some kind of gravitas public official.

MaxDo they so not understand? But also, like, listen, Trump realized that. But then there's like the whole meta layer to it. Right. Of like Trump realized or Trump didn't realize any of this. But like what the Republican Party wanted was someone they needed someone who could be both at the simultaneously, both at the same time, someone who could sort of play the part of the president. but also that they knew was just playing the part, but in their heart was actually this racist xenophobe who would do awful things in order to get them high-paying manufacturing jobs,

commit war crimes, lock people up indefinitely in internment camps. Do you know what I mean? Basically, what they really want but they can't say is someone who will violate human rights and turn America into a fascist state so that they can have a high-paying manufacturing job.

MerlinI mean, this is your whole hillbilly elegy bullshit, which is that like, and you do really feel for people who are featured in those New York Times profiles. That sucks. Like it's, you know, it's like you say, you always root for what do you say? You root for the wall, not the egg or the egg, not the wall. Right. Right. You're always pulling for the underdog. And like you certainly feel for these folks, but like it is it's weird how it is ironic in the extent to which the drive for on the one hand, these men who used to have what they regarded as.

We're going to look back on this period of like, oh, you could just go go to Detroit and get a job making $15 an hour and send your kids to college. We're going to look back at that as a glancingly short period of time. Or you can work in a coal mine.

MaxWell, you could have you could have a job in college and pay for your tuition.

MerlinOh, right, right, right. No, because the thing is, though, everybody's trying to get back to this time that never existed because they're trying to cherry pick all these. Anyway, the point being, you got the men who now feel incredible. They don't want to say it, but the part that kills them is how disempowered they are. And their women, the women in their life, hate seeing them that way. So, of course, they're all going to pull for this guy who seems to be exacting vengeance on what they perceive as the cause of their problems.

MaxBut Trump is, it's such a complicated thing to explain. But Trump is like, on the one hand, he's not even good at the cosplay, right? Like he's so bad at projecting this image of like a competent adult. But that's also what people like about him is that the sloppiness of that he's just barely pretending to be this sort of guy in charge of the system. But that, you know, we all know what he's really about, you know.

MerlinAnd you can interpret so many things from him as a wink, whether you're a white nationalist or whether you are a QAnon person. You can so you can interpret so many things. I am so into fucking bananas QAnon lately. Like all the codes and the counting and the numbers, and it's all so crazy right now. But like he leaves enough open to the imagination that like he's either going to be lauded for being a straight talker who isn't afraid to say what everybody else is thinking, or he's going to be seen as the secret genius who's going to finally do the D class this week.

And you can tell because the number 17 appeared on the screen.

MaxBut the badness, But the fact that we all know that he's just pretending to be president and he's good at staging these photos. He's not good at staging the photos. He's doing the photos in a way where you look at it and you go, he's staging that photo. But it's crazy because it drives us out of our minds. And I go, he sucks at this. He's not even good at it in the way that Obama was good at it.

That's so appealing to his people. Like they fucking love that shit. They love it. The hogs, they love it.

MerlinYeah, they love to see it. And because it's like there's nothing worse. And there's been elements of this in every, I mean, I can play act as somebody who's from a lower middle class because that's kind of where I'm from. Let's be honest. I'm from the lower middle class.

MaxWill you do the accent? Will you do the accent?

MerlinI feel very strongly about Donald Trump. That's an Ohio accent. So sorry.

MaxWe should probably move on from this because it's not very funny. But it's the other thing is like I do really – I really don't like the take on – I mean it pushes my buttons that the sort of accepted take on Twitter is that these people are – that like what describes them is that they are racist and that they're primarily motivated by doing racism and that that's – they wake up every morning and they all go, how can I do the most racist thing? And that – it certainly looks like that. Like I understand. It certainly appears that way. It looks like that. I get it. Yes. But I actually don't think it's that.

I actually think these people, I, I, and then those, then they flip out when they get those people flip, by the way, they get very offended. They legit for real, legitimately get very offended when you call them a racist because I, they don't identify, I, I, I mean, not the people who belong to Stormfront. I mean, there is a small percentage of them that actually are like primarily motivated by racists, but that's like, I mean, you're talking about like total in the country, like less than 10,000 people, I think. I mean, it's not a, they basically don't exist.

MerlinMost people who are legitimately racist are very proud to tell you that they are legitimately racist. And setting aside us virtue signaling SJWs who say, oh, well, you're casually racist. Well, no, it's just they like seeing their big wet boy win.

MaxAnd also, just to be clear, they're doing racist actions. It's just that it's not – that's a byproduct.

MerlinIt's not motivated by the desire to be racist.

AlexRight. They are racist, but they're not trying –

MaxWell, I don't know that. I mean, it depends how you want to how you want to how you want to slice that thing. But there's the J. Smooth. There's that there's the J. Smooth thing of like he's like, it's not helpful to tell people they're a racist, but it is helpful to tell people that they're doing a racist action. Right. Because when you say to someone you're a racist, they go, oh, well, then the die is cast. And so, OK, I guess I might as well be, you know, they have no reason to stop.

MerlinThis is why sometimes I feel like I'm up against the wall with phrases like homophobia, where like, well, man, homophobia is such a lame word for what's actually happened. It makes no sense. Well, because it's one thing to say that you are claustrophobic, where you have a phobia of small places or being enclosed in something. But homophobia used to describe like legitimate hatred of the idea of homosexuality and homosexuals is really lame. I mean, that's not homophobia. That's hatred.

Like call that what it is. And in that same way, like, I mean, with the racism stuff, and this is why I mentioned this a long time ago, and I feel like I sounded like an idiot. But that's what, remember when I said that, like, what is it that motivates Jeff Sessions at the time? Like, is he really that motivated or what motivates Mitch McConnell? I think Mitch McConnell likes to win. I think he's just, I think he's a scrapper who likes to win.

AlexHe just must be some sort of sociopath because he, but that's the thing, he has won. Like what? Yes. It's baffling. I don't know. And it's kind of scary to me. That's he's like the one guy where I'm like, why?

MaxI think these people want I think they want cultural. And I mean, so I think I know everyone's going to get mad at me for this, but I think these people basically want the same thing we want, which is cultural and economic power. And there's only so much of that to go around. And someone's going to have it. And there's going to be haves and there's going to be haves not.

MerlinBut it's a zero sum game for them where if somebody else wins a little bit, you feel like you lost a lot.

MaxWell, so here's where I would differ a little bit on that. So the first thing is, it is a zero-sum game. People have cultural and economic power or they don't, and there is not enough for everyone under our current system, and the system is set up that way. That's how we've got the world set up. but that being said the reason i think that they fly off the handle is that if you have all of the cultural and economic power and then you lose a little bit you you lose your mind right what then if you go to a fair distribution it seems like you're on the bottom but that could be prone that

Merlincould be pronouns that could be just simply acknowledging that somebody should be allowed to name themselves and say who they are that that by itself is the beginning but what is prone like

MaxLike, all of these battles to me, I'm trying to take a step back and I go, what is pronouns? Like, is anyone really, is that really what we're mad about? Or is it really that you have trans people who have chosen the battlefield of pronouns?

MerlinWell, I mean, before you're allowed to buy a house, you have to have a seat at the lunch counter. None of this stuff happens in one day. And part of it is getting to tell the world who you are rather than being told by other people who you are. And then, you know, it's a new kind of redlining.

MaxAnd that's why – no, that's exactly it. And it's like I don't really think that America cares that much about pronouns in the same way I don't think America really cared that much about lunch counters. But I think we all – just to say the obvious, we all know that this is a proxy battle for a much bigger cultural war. Like what we're really talking about is like –

MerlinThe only reason I brought up pronouns is that's one where I've arrived at. You know what? It does not cost me fucking anything to call somebody what they want to be called. Right. And that costs – well, boy, I'm really virtuous to be able to say that. But it's like why can't other people just go like that's not a zero-sum game? Like that for me – like do I lose culturally –

MaxNo, no. It's not that the pronouns are a zero-sum game. It's that I think there are people in this country who feel like if there are trans people who can be out and have full human rights, that it threatens their cultural hegemony. that they no longer have complete control over economic and cultural control over how everything works in America.

MerlinIf a woman can even be counseled about what to do with a baby in the future, even the idea of that counseling—

MaxLet's talk about abortion. Abortion's not about abortion. Abortion's about sex. It's about sex without consequences.

MerlinIt's about babies third, it's about fetuses second, and it's about women first. It's about being able to fuck with women and their economic viability and their power.

Maxwell and i and i well yes and also how we doing alex and also it's about and it's yes it's it's like it's yeah it's cultural and economic power and then it's also like it's also this thing of like oh women shouldn't be able to have sex without consequences that's only something that

Alexmen should be able to have i think you guys are talking not acknowledging that there are two different types of people like the people who are actually transphobic and fear like because they've been raised to fear people who are different and think that yes you are they're going to take my child and molest them behind the dumpster and then there's mitch mcconnell who is yes he if he loses that scrap of power it he dies inside but that that is where i don't know it's like where where

does the sociopathy begin of like using that fear to to have that power and then but then actually

Merlinhaving that fear. When is it tribalism

Alexversus like when is it? When is it tribalism? When is it? Because there are people who are genuinely afraid of black people and genuinely afraid of gay people and it's absolutely absolutely insane. And the Mitch McConnell he doesn't not want women to have power because he doesn't give a fuck. He wants himself to have power but there are

MaxAlex it's hard for me to believe do you really think that like a lot of americans think that trans people will molest their children or do you think that they they don't want trans people to have rights and in order for them to achieve that political goal they're gonna say they're gonna say whatever they need to say and one of those things is oh i'm worried that's

Alexwhat i'm saying these are two different types of people there are people who if there weren't people who truly absolutely believed that and that number is shrinking and they're real like every day that number shrinks but also then the number of grows of like oh if i say this i can get more people to believe me i can get more people in my tribe but if that fear that inherent fear wasn't there what would the how would it start you know like you're not gonna like turt like turfs turfs to

Maxme is a good example of this because like the turfs don't believe any i don't think they believe any of this stuff about trans people i think they just feel like oh well if trans people get full rights, then we lose, then our little corner of the movement loses some power.

AlexExactly. But there's, there has to be some, there's like patient zero, right? Like there's someone who comes up.

MerlinYou're sort of saying like you couldn't fake that kind of strong feeling unless it came from somewhere.

AlexI truly don't think that you could, if it did not start somewhere that.

MerlinSo when you say fear, it's not like fear as in catching a cold, it's fear of Frankenstein's monster. Yeah. That kind of fear.

AlexYeah.

MaxI think part of the fear is, to the extent that it's real, which I'm not 100% sure about, part of the fear is that, have you seen that clip? I retweeted occasionally, but it's the, I can't remember her name, but it's the woman who was like a lecturer about racism. And she said, how many white people in this room would like to be treated how this country treats black folks?

AlexYeah.

MaxYou know what I'm talking about? No one raises their hand. And she goes, the fact that no one raises your hand tells me, you know, exactly. We all know exactly what we're talking about, right? so I think that part to the extent that people fear like trans people black people any of these you know Muslims immigrants any of these minority groups part of the fear is bound up in the way of like you see how poorly society treats them and then you're like well if they get power I'll be

Merlintreated that way and I can't when people say that what they're really saying is I don't want to

Alexbecome the other that I perceive them as there's sort of a third group though because there's all of those people who they it's not that they don't like black people and they're they don't want to be treated like them and we all know what we're talking about but there's another it's like there are all these people who it's like oh yeah i'm not racist but if your kid dates a black person oh god oh i'm fine with i'm just being practical yeah i mean i just don't want their life to be difficult that's but merlin that's like the total truth like my parents like they yeah no it's

totally fine but then when you realize what your kid is going to have to live with or and that's kind of the part i i do think that parents truly many truly were afraid not uh some definitely are afraid of like some trans person like raping their kid behind a trash can but they are more afraid of they're somehow going to be convinced oh yeah the stancing and stuff that's cool that's an awesome lifestyle and then they then their child loses power and they're well we've we've got

Maxourselves set up in a way where it's where if you have a lot it's amazing and if you don't have a lot it's hell it's awful it's untenable and we all kind of know that we all kind of fear being on the wrong side of that and i think that's that's explaining everything you said when people are like oh well i'm not a racist but i wouldn't want my daughter to date a black guy what what they're saying is like right now we're on top and I don't want her to take any action that would result on her fall you know moving moving that far down and to me it's like well on the one you know it's like

Alexyeah that that that is that's I mean I'm not saying that's right but it is rooted in fear

Maxno well right but it's a but it's not but all I'm saying is like it's it it's the the dad the dad who says that right like it's not motivated by the fact that he he hates black people and he wakes up every day going, how can I oppress black people? It's that he's scared of the unjustness in the world, which is a real thing. It's really scary. I'm scared of that.

MerlinYou don't think it's partly that he just wants to keep up property values? You know what I mean? That sense of like, no, no, no. I mean, I don't hate black people. Well, meaning, as soon as the black people start moving into my neighborhood, that starts affecting me. Not because I hate black people because I want to retain my home value.

MaxBut this whole fundamental cultural and economic like inequity piece that I'm talking about, like one of the big tools there is property values. Like we've put a number on it so that it can be measured and we can be scared of, we can have a proxy war. Like that's the lunch counters of, of, oh, I don't want my, I don't want where I live to lose cultural and economic power. I'm just saying like a lot, like, it's just, it's just, I just, anyway, it's just, I don't know if I didn't know why we originally got it. I can't even remember

the thing that originally got us talking about this, but it's just, to me, I think all this, to take a step back, the whole reason I brought this up, and this is, to be clear, all going to be edited out. What? Fuck no!

MerlinDid you guys read about Gia Tolentino's dog Luna? Who? You should read about it. Gia Tolentino, no, no, the woman who writes for The New Yorker. She's really good. And they did a feature in Jezebel about her dog, Luna.

It's really good. It's really good.

MaxWhy isn't there an article about my cat? I'm a famous podcaster.

MerlinShe has described this in 2018. Luna was the subject of a New Yorker radio hour, very good show, in which Tolentino called her, quote, an objectively bad dog. and she jumps on people. But she's a sweet precious angel. She's a Pyrenees. What a mess. A Pyrenees mixed with a border collie. That's going to be a handful. You know what?

MaxLet's get into the challenge.

MerlinHey, I'm a cindulous. You've got to check out this dog. It's a very high quality dog.

MaxSo the challenge this week was my challenge. I picked a challenge submitted by a friend of the show, John. Not that John, the other one. And John's challenge was instead of using one big towel, use two small towels. And he sent us a really nice email with some clarifying information. And basically what he said is he does not get fully dry from one towel. And so by using like one towel and then that towel absorbs the first level of, you know, it's like a, it's like when the ants need to cross a river and they just throw themselves into the water and then they walk over their corpses.

Oh, like Game of Thrones. Like Game of Thrones. Human wave. Human wave, right? It's like you're sacrificing the first towel so that the second towel can actually dry you off. and I follow the logic there and then he also said he gets the towels get mildewy and one big towel kind of never fully dries and I do I think you would I get where you'd have that problem if you lived in like LA or a tropical climate or Florida or something like that

Merlinyeah

Maxnow did you guys try this were you into it

MerlinI want to just mention in passing I had a friend also named John in college I was closer friends with his roommate Chris hi Chris Cauldron if you're out there but John always said that he, Chris would be like why are there so many towels in the bathroom and he says I get wetter than other people and Chris always thought that was an odd thing to say but like your friend John I think there are people let's put it another way, I don't know if they are empirically, scientifically wetter than other people but I think there are people who would prefer a higher level

of dry and I think he's on the right track with this treat yourself to two towels I think there's nothing wrong with that

Maxnow here's the other thing i have a lot to say about towels probably not enough time on the podcast to get into it but most towels are really bad like the amount of when i go to my friends houses and i stay with my friends and their towels suck so much ass like they don't try

Merlinit's like people it's like pillows where people think you want a soft pillow you don't want a soft pillow you want to you want and you want to you want to give me a hard pillow yes hard pillow hard towel you want a towel that will just are the hello what's that hello hello give me the bean pillow. I want a towel that'll damage me. I want a towel that puts a hurting on me. I want it to really get in there.

MaxSoft towel. Give me a fucking break. One of those looped cotton towels. Those are great. Looped? They have little loops on them. The little micro loops. They're made of cotton.

MerlinI thought you meant a moebius towel.

MaxOh, no, no.

MerlinOkay. Alright.

MaxI mean like a...

MerlinHonestly, hotel towels can be great because they've been washed so many times. All the softness is out, and now there's just raw, scraping dryness potential.

MaxYeah, you got to get all the softness.

MerlinOh, man, you get in there with some dial soap and then finish yourself off with one of those towels. God, take a layer of skin off. Now you're clean for a minute, but just a minute.

MaxOh, boy.

MerlinYou're dirty inside, and you carry that with you.

MaxI don't have this problem. I get fully dry from one towel, and so the two small towels versus one big towel did not help me, and based on my life and my bathroom, my towels do dry. Well, lately, actually, to be fair, since the entire time we've had this challenge, I've been living in hotel rooms and I just throw my, because I care about the earth, I throw my towels on the ground.

MerlinHow about you? How wet are you, Alex? Do you need to really get in there?

AlexAll right. Some people do get wetter and it's because of hair thickness.

MerlinLike my hair. Oh, boy. You should start a podcast with Syracuse where you can talk about your hair suitness.

Alexthe well he talks about the bot i'm talking about the upstairs not like he is just a fuzzy fuzzy man um from what i've seen actually no you really need to get on instagram just to see the pictures that syracusa takes and the pictures taken of syracusa because he is very much a snack man he is a handsome handsome man he's like a thirst trap account he he really does um anyway

Maxthe syracuse is becoming an instagram thought he is he a mood how will you know will you know if

Merlinhe's a mood right now? I don't know what that is. What if he's everything? Could he be everything? That's very possible. He could be a mood. He's a snack. He's a snack man. He's, I mean,

MaxI can't, I can't, I can't even, I can't even with him. You can't even with him. Oh, that's a shame.

AlexAll right. I need to find this. Uh, okay. Anyway, the, the issue I've always had with tells is they are, I don't get them that wet except for one particular spot, which is the hair spot, the head area. And then it's just like the middle of my towel is basically sopping wet and then the rest, no problem, getting dry. But this, so this, there are very few challenges that have changed my life. But this one, two medium towels,

you've got one hair towel and then one, I only need a small towel for the rest. So basically I like take the big sopping, like not the big but the the medium-sized soppy towel and that goes on the good like the the space in my bathroom where something will actually dry because i'm a monster and usually like use a new towel every day because i hate i hate dolphins um but now no like it everything is fully dry and then it's like fluffy and new so i have been using two medium-sized like hand towels uh and

especially because in hotels and I haven't wanted housekeeping or anything like that. There's a lot more small towels than big towels, which doesn't make sense, but it has worked out for me. So this was a great challenge.

MerlinGood challenge.

AlexAlthough it did not, the results were not what I expected. Like I don't get too wet all over.

MerlinI don't, you have such a short haircut. It's strange to me that your hair generates that much water.

AlexIt was fucking hell. It was hell, Merlin. It was, oh. Which part was hell? It was so bad. Having long hair. Sorry. Oh, you've triggered me now. Jesus Christ. I'm sorry. Do you ever have nightmares about hair?

MerlinHair, hair, hair.

AlexNo, no.

Speaker ANo, not really.

MerlinWhat happens in your hair? If you can say, what happens in your hair nightmares? Oh, no. I just have.

AlexI literally have nightmares about my hair growing back and being very long. And apparently this is also a very common dream for like a lot of queer women because it's like, ah, going back to that period. But lots of men have it too. And I don't, I don't know why. I don't like having a lot of hair. It's too much. It's too much.

MerlinYou know how like at a bachelorette party, sometimes they have a penis shaped cake?

AlexYes.

MerlinThe other night I had a dream about a cake shaped penis.

Show notes

Transcript

144. The Vanilla Hilton

Show notes

Transcript

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