138. You’re Dirty and God Hates You

AlexThis is Do By Friday, a weekly challenge podcast with Merlin Mann, Alex Cox, and Max Temkin. This week's challenge, bring the funny.

MaxHello?

AlexHello?

MaxHello? Hello? Ping bong. Oh. Hello? Hello? Anyeong. Hi. Mm. Ping bong. Mm. I have a grievance to air on the podcast.

MerlinYou?

MaxI have a number of grievances. Continue.

MerlinIt's kind of weird.

MaxRemember I got hit by a car a while back? I do. I decided to go on the journey of buying a helmet. I went online and I looked up. Oh, no. I went online and I looked up. It's pet sitting all over again. Oh, it's pet sitting part two. I went online and I looked up what the best helmets are. I found one that was getting a lot of attention and I think it's like Danish and it's called the Huvding. And it's basically an airbag. And it's basically an airbag that goes around your neck. You're so busy. It goes around your neck and it inflates when you get into an impact.

It goes, what? It's a neck airbag? So it looks like a scarf and you clip it around your neck. And at the moment of impact or where you lose equilibrium, you have to charge it. Is this what it really looks like? Yes, when it's inflated.

And it's Okay Look you should go on YouTube And look at it Because it's amazing I sure will It's amazing Like watching it in action Is amazing And I thought Well that's I thought this is a helmet That I could tolerate Because it doesn't Obstruct your field of vision

MerlinWhen you're on a skateboard And this thing inflates You're gonna look so cool Can you be vaping When it happens Listen I don't care

MaxIf I look cool When I get struck by a car At that point You already don't look cool I just wanna I just wanna avoid Any brain damage It's all the moments When I'm not being hit by a car Would one of your teen friends be shooting it for your YouTube channel? But at all the moments when you're not being hit by a car, it just looks like a scarf, which is fine. Okay. Yeah.

AlexNo, it looks real bad.

MerlinIt looks really stupid.

AlexIt looks so stupid either way. No, it looks good. No.

MerlinI would keep it this way all the time and just be like, fuck y'all, man. I have an inflated hood. It looks cool when it's not inflated.

AlexWell, Joyce, you need to wear it all the time so people think you're like an iron neck man. because otherwise they're going to know

Maxsomething is up. First they ignore you. First they ignore you and then they make fun of you. No, no, no. I want you to be safe. Be safe. And then they accept you. You guys are all going to be wearing Huvdings in a few years.

So anyways.

MerlinThis one is beautiful and she looks insane.

MaxLook at this. It's like a little neck break. It's like a little scarf. Charging.

MerlinYou have to charge it.

AlexBecause that's what I do every time I get on a bike or a scoot-scoot to charge my helmet. You've got to charge your scarf.

MaxIf you've got to charge your scarf, collar and cover. I already charge. The helmet that I have, you have to charge. But anyway.

AlexDo you have to charge it like once a month for the light?

MaxYeah.

AlexOr do you have to charge it? See? No, no, no, no, no, no. This thing you have to charge like every day.

MaxNo, you charge it once a month.

AlexOkay.

MaxAnyway, so I really wanted one. And I think it's really cool technology. And it is used in Europe. It was praised in a study at Stanford University. It is used in Europe. And here's the thing. I would wear it. I'm not going to wear it. In fact, I own a really nice helmet now, and I don't wear it most of the time. But this I could really see myself wearing more often. So anyway, you can order it in the United States. I don't know why. I assume we have some sort of regulatory environment that doesn't allow this thing to be sold. And so I started thinking, like, who could buy this thing for me?

And my dear friend, Mike Hurley, was like, I will get this thing and get it for you. So he had to already jump through some hoop just to get it in the U.K. and I think he had to order through some weird website third party thing where they ship it to you. And had to pay in Ethereum. Did he? I don't know. I think it's technically a munition. It's not cheap. It's $350. It's less in euros, but in dollars it's $350.

AlexAnd it only works once, right? It's like an airbag.

MaxEvery helmet only works once.

AlexOkay, fair. Fair, never mind.

MerlinThat's what happened to Kramer. That's why Crazy Joe Davola kicked him in the head. He had to get a different helmet. He traded it to Newman, if memory serves.

MaxOh, my bullying didn't work. You're supposed to throw every helmet out after you get into one impact with it. Throw every helmet out. There's no such thing as a reusable helmet. It's like milk. So Mike shipped me the Huvding, and it was destroyed by customs officials. They sent Mike a note saying, we've destroyed this property. So I didn't receive it. I assume that means it's not legal for me to have in the United States. Or it would have exploded in transit or something.

Speaker BOh, that's why.

MaxI just want to pay Mike the $350 for the helmet. I really appreciate that he went to the effort. It's not his fault that it didn't clear my illegal helmet, didn't clear customs. Just a quick question.

MerlinDid you mention it to him more than once?

MaxI have asked him 50 times. It's driving me insane. Max, what was his response when you said you wanted to pay him? What did he say? He was like, just buy me a drink or something. What did he say?

AlexHe said, let's go out for a nice dinner the next time he's in Chicago.

MaxThat's completely unacceptable. The nice dinner would cover the time that he put into this project, but not the money. You should go to that aviary place where they spit on Eric Trump.

Anyway, listen, we need to get some sort of peer pressure campaign or something. Maybe I'll buy some of those ads that we found in that company that would do a custom advertising campaign. campaign and I'll just have them target Mike and I'll be like you know what you should put on one of your 14 to-do lists is accept $350 for Mac you should buy him more check marks he can put on his phone with stickers he's fucking bulletproof because I keep trying to like I tried to like Apple pay him he's wily that guy's wily yeah I tried to like Apple cash him the $350 and he's

Alexlike oh it doesn't work I'm in England wait wait wait wait why don't we by we I mean you buy a sponsor relay for like just one show. Buy one ad. That's probably the amount of time.

MerlinWait a minute. Wait a minute. Are you saying we do it on our program whether he wants it or not?

AlexNo, no, no.

MerlinWhy don't we start doing ads at what we would charge? No, he's going to owe us money. Okay. A lot of good ideas. Who's the tosser now, governor?

MaxOkay. Alright. A lot of good ideas stuff up in the air now. Let me, how about this? What if I sponsor one of Mike's programs and the sponsor message is an apology note to me where he apologizes for not accepting my $350? I think that would hold up in a course. Yeah, I'm going to do it.

What program, what's the best one to do it?

AlexI mean, I would say, what if it's wrecked it? Oh no, Mike has to say it.

MaxI need Mike to read it. I'm trying to think of one where he

Alexdoes all of the spots. And I can't think of one where he...

MaxWell, I can probably specify. I'm the ad purchaser. I can probably specify that Mike leads it.

AlexThat's true. That's true. I would say either Upgrade or Cortex. Cortex would be funnier because no one would have any idea what was going on. I know.

MaxI don't want those people to get mad at me. I'm just going to do Upgrade. Oh, that's so good.

AlexOh, that's good too because it gets us in as an early bid to win an Upgrade-y.

MerlinCan I make a small request? I'm not married. This is your project, but Mike writes all the ad copy that I have to read, and he writes it as an English person, and I have to translate it on the fly. And so he says things like when he refers to a company, he refers to it as a plural rather than a singular. And I have to like, it drives me bananas.

MaxMerlin, is male pattern baldness getting your knickers in a lorry?

MerlinTry putting your trousers in the boot. Oh, boy. All I'm saying is I want to write some, I want to assist, I want an edit on whatever you write that makes it ridiculously American English. And I think we should also request that he affect. It should definitely begin with howdy. Howdy, folks.

AlexI think if you pay more.

MerlinHe should have to do it in an American accent and he has to try. He has to actually fucking try.

AlexIf Casper can hold hosts hostage because they said latex, this is a reasonable.

MerlinIt's got red letters. You gotta do it. If we put it in red letters, he has to do it to make good, and then he owes us more money.

MaxCan I specify that he has to use propanity 30 seconds before and 30 seconds afterwards?

This is a great bit. I love this so much.

MerlinOh, you're going to be so fucking rich. He's going to learn. He fucked with the wrong guy. He hoveding the wrong fella.

MaxYeah.

MerlinStrap on your hoveding, Mike.

MaxI'm coming for you. That ad read's going to get... I'm going to place that ad thing, and his helmet's going to inflate.

MerlinYou know, it's so easy to write, and it's very difficult to say things out loud. I'm going to twist that guy's tongue into some fucking knickerwads. Oh, my God. It's going to be so hard to read.

AlexI just Manny's apology is available in

Maxtwo different colors red leather and yellow leather red leather yellow leather red leather yellow leather Spencer Bledsoe the sixth

Merlinsixth

Maxboy let's see I have

MerlinI'm sorry I'm sorry you've had to go through this this is terrible Max

MaxI have a good amount of follow up would you want to talk about Eric Trump getting spit on real quick No, no, give us your follow-up. No, that's it. That's my follow-up.

MerlinShit.

MaxNo, I just think it's funny. He went to a bar in Chicago. Have you been there to Aviary?

MerlinNext time Twitter is very, very upset about this.

MaxAviary, the bar. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, Alex and I have both been to this bar. It's a very fancy cocktail bar in Chicago. And in fact, the owner, Nick, was on our program, Top Scallops, to talk about the restaurant wars. And I think Nick was like on a flight when this all went down last night, which is my worst nightmare, that there's some sort of like PR disaster that happens for cards. and I'm on an airplane and I can't do anything. But it was on Twitter last night that Eric Trump went into this very fancy bar aviary where it's very sort of molecular gastronomy,

sort of inventive. It's like foam drinks? Like the one that always stands out in my mind is you get a pretty classic old-fashioned, but it's frozen. It's not frozen. It's a liquid old-fashioned cocktail and it's inside of a spherical ice cube. So you have a spherical shell of ice with a perfect old-fashioned inside of it. And then they balance the ice on a glass, and they have this slingshot contraption. And you pull back, and you fire it, and it smashes the ice.

And the whole thing explodes into a cloud. And the cocktail comes crashing into the glass. It's incredible.

AlexIt looks like the fanciest vape in the world.

MerlinEvery person who orders it has to work in his soup kitchen for a week. My slingshot was wet. Two stars Two stars I didn't get spit on

MaxSo I guess Eric Trump Yeah he went there last night And one of the front of house people Spit on him which is really exciting Kudos to that guy There's no way this is the whole story There's no way

MerlinWhy? You think Nick would hire somebody Who spits on a customer? On Eric Trump? Yeah

AlexI actually 100% would believe that. I don't know about Garrett, but I think Nick would.

MaxIsn't it like a dream job to work at a place like that? But probably not as big of a dream as spitting on Eric Trump. That's a good point. It's a fair point. But listen, all I want to say is, first of all, I strongly agree with spitting on fascists. These people have, they are the ones who have broken the social contract, and they should be given no quarter in civilian life. They should never be able to walk into a bar or get into a taxi or go anywhere without people being mad at them and shaming them and spitting in their face.

Maybe stop short of doing physical violence to them, I guess. You'll have to figure that out for yourself. I'd be so sad if somebody spit on me. It would be very upsetting. I really wouldn't like that. But also, you're not putting children in concentration camps. You don't know that. You don't know that. I was thinking about this. If there was a Cards employee who spit, if Eric Trump came to one of our comedy shows. I mean, the first thing is we wouldn't do the show. We'd send everyone. We'd say we would rather disappoint everybody than give one moment of laughter to Eric Trump.

AlexOh, no. We would. I don't think. I think you would do.

MaxYou just make fun of his gums all night.

AlexA show. But like just.

MaxNo, I would come out and I would say, go fuck yourself. You've ruined the show for everybody. That's the show. You're not welcome. That's the show. It's perfect. I would. Furthermore, if we if you did come to one of our events and I had an employee who spotted him and didn't spit on him, I'd be very mad at that employee. You would have an expectation at this company. We have picked out people for far less. Yeah. Wow. No, you have to spit on Eric Trump if you see him. Jesus Christ. It's the only civil, like, we'll get into this fucking pretzel ethical logic in a minute because I have a really good one in my follow-up notes.

But, like, if you're living in some sort of fucking worldview where you owe some sort of deference to these people by not spitting on them in public.

AlexDo you guys need me for this one? I am. Oh, I can't believe this. I completely agree with Max. Yep. Uh-huh. I know. Tweet at me.

Maxdon't tweet it Merlin it's fine it's fine which I also think that game you know that game that you like like that uh guys will play with each other where they just sort of just swiftly do like one tap on the nuts and then run away oh docking oh yeah it's called tap tap is it called tapping

Merlinis that what it's called tapping up and you flick somebody on the penis yeah just in a not gay way

Maxyeah it's not gay no uh no but I I do think that that's also permitted I just touch your dick Because I'm competitive.

AlexNo, I think he'd like that.

MaxI think one swift, one swat to the nuts and then you scumble away. One big gummy smile.

MerlinMy father is the most prolific topper in New York City. My father discovered ice in 1967.

Speaker AAll right.

MaxAnd then what else? I have a bunch of concentration camp follow up. Yay! Finally! I don't know. I'm trying to figure out what's going to be less depressing to talk about first. But maybe, Alex, do you want to talk about your... Alex, welcome back, Alex.

MerlinWe missed you.

MaxYour unexplained absence. We missed you so much.

MerlinThe episode was so bad. Alex, as everybody said, the show's not the same without you. We knew it while we were doing it. And I think it's a testament to how beloved you are that so many people said, yes, that's all. You shut your whore mouth.

AlexWe can't talk about spitting on Eric Trump, but you get to say this to me.

MerlinThat's going to fix a lot. That's going to fix a lot of shit. Swat yourself on the nuts one time. Ow. Shit. That was too hard. Ow. God, I'm not doing it because I'm horny. I'm doing it because I'm competitive. Ow. That's on my pant spot. That's my bathing suit area. Penis man. Ow.

God, what the fuck is wrong with men?

MaxOh, boy. I hope it was a big, thick loogie. I hope it was like a viscous. I hope it was a good one. Like it was the one day you forgot the clarity. The one thing is like, do you know in the movie when you're tied down and you're being interrogated and the guy's like, tell me now or I'll kill you. And then you spit on his face.

MerlinI watch those movies all the time. Yeah.

MaxLike, like, you know, when, when you're supposed to spit in the right in the guy's face, I don't think, I don't think under that kind of pressure, I'd be able to produce a good spit. Oh, you got dry mouth. Yeah. Yeah.

AlexThat's well, actually, that's why I think it would have been a great loogie because if you're working at like the aviary linea wherever, and it's like crazy white glove service you your your your anus is clenched your mouth is completely shut unless you need to talk so there's got to be like build up you know and like you're not going to be sniffing so there's

Maxa lot of stuff to work with there yeah i agree oh i know what i wanted to say hey if anyone knows who the guy is just reach get tell me privately if there's like a bail fund or a legal defense

Merlinfund or something because i would gladly contribute there's any chance that like he accidentally like he said he sprayed it instead of saying it no no he walked up to the man and spit spit in his

Maxface which is awesome he spit in his in his eric trump gummy face yeah it's awesome uh and also if you if you do wind up getting fired come talk to me we'll we'll we'll hire you that's that's a you know that's the kind of thing my father says that's good moral it's good it's good moral character

Merlinif you go and spit on any of the people and i will pay your legal bills i'll give you one of my six coats that I'm wearing.

AlexOh, that should be part of the interview process for cards. Oh, would you spit in Eric? No, no, no, no. I don't know if we're allowed to ask that. No, exactly. No, no, no. You just put a fascist in the room. Like we set a fascist trap. Oh, interesting. We'll get him in the room.

MerlinHe gets in the X and the net falls off.

AlexYes, yes. And then once he starts talking, if the potential employee spits in the face, it's just another thing to add onto their resume.

MerlinYou should try this with Jen. See if Jen would spit on a fascist.

AlexI already know the answer. I already know the answer to this. Yeah. I know. Wow.

MerlinJen would do a swat and a spit.

AlexYeah. She would set her dog on him.

MerlinWould she tap him? Would she tap him first? Throw him off his game? Now you're throwing him off his rhythm. Jen is almost spitting my face over comma placement.

AlexYeah. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, boy.

Oh, let's quickly talk about where I was last week, just so people... We missed you. Thank you for sending me wishes and stuff. But I planned to be on the show last week, and I was just doing a routine checkup for something I've addressed on the show before, the tiny bump on my hand that doesn't let me do magic tricks anymore.

And they were like, does this hurt as they're poking at it? And they did a small biopsy, like one of those really small biopsies where you just, they don't even cut it open. and they just put a needle straight in and suck it out. There's not even a mark anymore. And I was like, I mean, a little bit. And they're like, okay, we'll give you a prescription for Vicodin. And I'm like, mm.

MerlinNo one, not even your hands, has such small biopsies.

AlexWait, you've never had a little biopsy?

MerlinI don't go to the doctor. But it's like a needle they put in?

AlexYeah, well, it's a pretty big needle. I love to think about a needle going into my hand. Yeah, who doesn't?

MerlinIf you don't like that, you're a fascist.

AlexOh, boy. And I'm like, can I just have something other than break it in?

MerlinThat's how it happened. I thought it was a regular prescription. It was an in-office thing that went, that got all okay.

AlexYeah, so I was, and they were, and because, like, you know, my brain bits are broken, so I'm on stuff. I'm like, I just don't want to mix that. And they're like, all right, we'll give you a shot of Tripadol. Trip, I can't say it. It's the stuff that basically they have to shoot, not in your butt, but on your butt. So I wasn't thrilled with that. But I'm like, okay, it's basically really strong ibuprofen. Turns out, allergic to that.

So that's why I wasn't on the show.

MerlinSo you had a reaction in the office?

AlexOh, yeah. I don't remember anything. Oh, no. I don't remember telling Maddie to text you guys. I don't remember. like I I mean I was fine when I woke up because they just gave me like Maddie didn't text us we

Merlintexted you and then Matt she responded oh okay yeah so yeah we're like yo hey heads up is everything good you still coming of course I I assured Max that I think what I said was I'm sure she I'm sure she's fine yeah and I was like I'm sure she's lying on the side of the highway

Alexin a gutter oh well the first thing I did when I woke up was indeed like oh shit I'm gonna be late for Dubai Friday um and nope um but a number of people reached out thank you very much I'll be all right and uh but there was there was the like conspiracies going around I I got someone to take it down on reddit but people were like did something happen between like you and Marlon and Max and I was and and I was like no no no I like and I I was serious I'm like no no no I just

I think twice. I think twice that they're making you say this. Wait, wait, what did they say? Tap on your nose. Tap on your nose. Was this a Reddit post? People reached out to me privately. Fucking psychos. Well, if you remember, this is my favorite Reddit post that has been on our Reddit of all time, which is, why is Alex on a fuck you basis with Casey Liss? And then there was all of this speculation. And this was years ago. Oh, you guys can't be in the same room with each other. I know. It's a disaster. And he texted...

MerlinSexual tension is just...

AlexOh my God, kill me.

MaxIt's more if Alex and Casey get in the same room.

MerlinIt's like my uncle. Oh my God. It's nothing but nut swatting. Oh my God. It's like a crazy, like a screwball comedy, you guys. We have to pull them apart from each other.

AlexOh my God. Just nut swat after nut swat. Ow, ow, ow. And I said... Merlin, I apologize. And I said, I had an epic blowout. No, I said, I had an epic blowaway fight with Merlin. The show is over. And I thought by saying blowaway...

MerlinOh, thanks for pulling me in on that, buddy.

AlexThank you. Well, because he assumed it would be Max. And I'm like, you don't think I could take that. Come on now. Come on. He's like, wait, what? How? And I took a really long time to respond because my hand is still a little messed up. And I type real, real slow. And he just proceeded to be like, hey, is everything OK? What's going on? How can I help?

MaxYou shouldn't get along right now.

AlexNo, no, no. No, no, no. And then we talked about it. I hate the internet so much. I fucking hate the internet so fucking much. No, no, no. Casey was, no.

MerlinListen, if you're listening to this program, you may listen to this program. You are not allowed to have any thoughts about this program, or you will be banned. If you have any thoughts about our relationship and whether you are seeing the relationship, you are banned from listening to the show. You should go listen to, speculate about Mark Maron. Oh, yeah, Joe Rogan. I heard he's got. Something happened with Joe Rogan?

AlexWhat? He has a lot of fascists on the show. Oh, wow. Wow, wow, wow. It sucks. So much sexual tension. You're welcome. Oh, wow. Too many people ask me if I listen to Joe Rogan. It upsets me. I'm like, do I look like the kind of person?

MerlinI know, I know. It's like serial all over again. It's like, oh, I love podcasts. I always listen to it.

AlexNo, no, no. No, Merlin. No, no, no. Because I listen to serial. I listen to This American Life.

MerlinNo, no, no. You know what? This is like a Monty Python sketch. This has to end. We can't talk anymore. We're going to do this show, but we're not going to talk. to each other anymore. We're not... I haven't quite worked it out. Maybe we'll play string quartets or something.

MaxOkay, I'm going to mute myself. You talk for 30 seconds. And then I'll unmute.

MerlinOkay, let's do round robin. Ready? Okay, go. I'm on the I'm on the Walgreens.com page. Shut up. Shut the fuck up. Hey, guys. I'm on the Walgreens.com page for dry mouth products. because I thought it might be funny if I had some of these that I could mention on the show. And there's a whole bunch of them. Oh, my God. Check it out. There's one called TheraBreath. It's dry mouth oral rinse, 16 ounces. You can find it at the store. Add it to cart. Over.

MaxI had some further concentration camp updates.

AlexNo, no, no. We each get a term. We each get a term. Who said you could go for it?

MaxNow we've got to start over. I thought the bit was over. Now we've got to fucking start over. God damn it. Okay. This is why we shouldn't talk. I thought the bit died out. I'm sorry. I didn't realize we were still riffing.

Alexset a timer for 30 seconds hold on hold on end of bit end of bit i have a quick grievance to say there have been some rumors going around that in san jose at wwdc i was scoot scooting around with rosemary orchard and that's how she broke her ankle no no no she was scoot scooting around with our other friends and i came to the rescue on a scoot scoot from target with a brace with and So, yeah, I did not break Rosemary Orchard's ankle. Was she trying to automate it?

Excuse me, excuse me. Sorry, sorry, my bad. The end, the end. Oh, the timer's going off. All right.

MerlinOkay. Oh, wow, you had a real timer.

AlexYes, I commit.

MerlinWe still doing this bit, huh?

AlexNo, no. Follow up, please.

MerlinI always 13 rules. I had some concentration camp updates. Max, you got to get on it. You got to go buy an iPad and put iOS 13 on it. It's so fun. then we can talk about it on the program for your work. We can do that for the challenge this week.

MaxOh, please. Let's do it. Yes, please. Yes, please. I'll do it.

AlexYeah.

MaxSo good. All right.

MerlinWell, if you want to hear us. Now, listen, everybody out there, don't do it. I have to do this for my work. Nobody else is allowed to do it. Hey, I write about Apple stuff, so I do it, but don't you do it.

AlexI get it, but you don't. Don't subtweet our friends. Don't subpart our friends.

MaxThey all talk like that. They sound like that. If you guys want to hear us plan out the challenge for next week and talk about the risks and benefits. Here we go.

MerlinHere we're going to buy the hovding.

MaxOf doing iOS 13 on your personal iPad. You can go to giveusyourfuckingmoney.com. You sign up for the Dubai Friday After Show where we plan out the next week's challenge in the after show every week. And you'll get that as your own private RSS feed. That's the whole Dubai Friday After Show. and that's $5 a month. You go to giveusyourfuckingwine.com and you'll hear about that in that segment.

MerlinOne time someone tried to tap my father at a museum and now they're in jail.

AlexOh boy. I want to hear about the camps where the children have concentrated.

MaxWell, I do have a comedy, believe it or not, I do have a sort of a comedy angle on this, but I thought that I would first, before we get into the funny parts about the children concentration camps, I did want to just mention, because Merlin and I were really despairing about it last week, and I did listen back to the episode. It was not a good episode.

AlexNo, I disagree. Well, maybe it's because I was sad.

MaxIt was a very bad episode.

AlexAnd then I thought, I was like, then you guys made me sad. It was perfect.

MaxI listened back to it, and I felt that one of the disservices that we did was we were really despairing and navel-gazing and talking about how upsetting it was to have concentration camps happening to other people. But we did not really— Oh, is there a GoFundMe we should go to or something? No, we just didn't get into any actual factual content about what's going on with them. Oh, so we're going to do that now? I just got a couple of quotes from a few different articles, and I thought it would be useful to talk about it just so people know what the hell we're talking about. I sadly have had many people tell me that this is one of the primary places where they get their news.

AlexHave you guys heard that? Oh, all the time. I don't blame folks who are international. Like, okay.

MerlinListen, I'm speaking to you, the listener, at this point. You are forbidden from getting your news from this show. You're forbidden from thinking about this show. This cannot be an important part of your news consumption, Dubai Friday. It just can't be. And I'm not even doing that fake Jon Stewart thing where I go, ha, ha, I'm just a comedy person. No, seriously, read a fucking book. I'm going to mute now. You guys talk.

MaxAll right. Well, so we know about the concentration camps, these Trump concentration camps. I mean, obviously, they've been going on forever. You guys might remember a year ago, there was the big protests over the child separation policy. And this is basically people who come over the border, some of them, many of them legally because they're claiming asylum, which is not illegal. They've committed no crime. And they just sort of get, as well as people who do have residency status or something but they just get mixed up into this because they're just sort of rounded up by ICE and CPB and stuff.

And they get put into these temporary, what they're calling detention centers. And some of them are old abandoned Walmarts. Some of them are tent cities under a bridge. Some of them are just like old military bases, but they get very hot in the day. Some of them are very cold at night. Some of them run the air conditioning all the time, so people are freezing. Last week, it was in the news there was a government lawyer arguing before a judge that there's a legal requirement. They provide detainees with safe and sanitary conditions.

And she was making a legal argument that they do not have to provide toothpaste or soap as part of creating safe and sanitary conditions. You can watch a video of the government lawyer making that argument just on YouTube. But we mainly know about the details of what's happening today from an article last week in New York Magazine. This is an interview with a lawyer who went to one of the detention centers on a fact-finding mission. I'll now quote from this lawyer who said, so quote, Oh, I know what I wanted to tell you. This is important. So on Wednesday, we received reports from children of a lice outbreak in one of the cells where there were about 25 children.

And what they told us is that six of the children were found to have lice. And so they were given a lice shampoo, and the other children were given two combs and told to share those two combs, two lice combs, and brush their hair with the same combs, which is something you never do with a lice outbreak. And then what happened was one of the combs was lost, and Border Patrol agents got so mad that they took away the children's blankets and mats. They weren't allowed to sleep on the bed. They had to sleep on the floor on Wednesday night as punishment for losing the comb. So you had a whole cell full of kids who had beds and mats at one point, not for everybody but for most of them, who were then forced to sleep on the cement.

And what was striking to me, that's just one little wonderful detail from this article that you love to hear about. but the thing that really stood out to me as someone who's spent a lot of my life like obsessing about Holocaust and Holocaust stories is, did anyone read Anne Frank's Diary of a Young Woman?

AlexMany versions of it.

MaxDo you remember how she died?

AlexThey don't know.

MaxNo, we do know. Isn't it like typhus? Yeah.

AlexWait, wait.

MaxYeah. So I think the popular conception is maybe that Anne Frank was killed in a gas chamber or something like that. But she died of typhus, which is how most people die in concentration.

MerlinLike a month before the camp was liberated.

AlexIs this like an official stamp of like?

MaxYeah, we know that.

MerlinOtto couldn't take that part out.

MaxAnd also, we know, I just want to say.

MerlinHer periods were so bad. I thought she'd be a believer.

MaxPart of the deal with concentration camps, it's not that you're gassing and executing everyone. It's that you're putting them into unsanitary conditions and then they just die of disease. And you go, oh, well, they were bad people. They weren't cleaning themselves. And of course, typhus, I believe, is actually spread by lice. So just a nice little, you know, just a nice little thing to think about. I guess I'm not going to keep reading. This is a good one. This is a really good one. It's a good bit. Oh, God. Sorry.

MerlinWhat do you want? What is this in service of? We're telling people what we're telling people you're giving people background on why. Well, I have a thing. I have somewhere it's going. Okay. I'll mute again.

MaxThis is also funny. There were other stories that we've heard from children, such as that one of the guards has an older child who's 17, serve as the unofficial guard inside the rooms. So he tells the kids what to do He tries to keep the room neat and straighten up the mattresses and everything Now the guards reward him with extra food And when a 7 year old saw that this older boy was getting extra food by being helpful He asked if he could help Are you kidding me? Clean up the room and keep it neat So that he could What is that a juden rot? So that he could get extra food And the 17 year old chastised him for this And then when an older sibling tried to stand up for his little brother

The guard intervened and reprimanded both the little boy and his older brother So you know you love to see it

Merlinthat's it isn't that what it's called jude and rod uh yeah that sounds right that's no like that's

Alexthe that's the people who would get no wasn't it like gets up oh jr or yeah well i mean there was

Merlinthe i mean this happened in the ghettos this happened there would be people anyways

Alexwhy am i why am i gonna mute again so no but i truly don't think people it's it's people like like i i did not grow up jewish so i didn't get the constant narrative of like people are could be coming for you it was the constant narrative of like you're dirty and god hates you but i i my great grandparents my great grandpa uh survived a consecration consecration oh boy so he survived a concentration camp and like we would we would grow up with these stories

and then but reading you know and then it was this constant narrative and obsession of just like oh my god i can't believe they went through this and reading stuff like this i don't know it just It shakes something to your core. And like I'm much farther removed from this than most people. So I can't even imagine. Like I don't know how people aren't talking about this 24-7. I don't know why. Especially like Catholic folks. I don't know why. I'm not like trying to break into the gates and like throwing ourselves against the walls.

Like it's I don't know. I'm just sad.

MaxI've thought about that. I've thought about that about once a day since I read this. I was like maybe I should go there and do something. And then I'm like what would I do? Like really think it through. Like what would you do?

AlexIt would eventually be, you would be in jail and then nothing, yeah, like I think about it every day.

MaxSo, okay, well, here's a funny Dubai Friday angle on this. So there was a story that came out last night, and this was, do you guys know the furniture company Wayfair? They're like, they make this kind of cheap IKEA. They got just what you need. Yeah, they do like IKEA quality, but slightly designy furniture on an online.

MerlinIs it Wayfair? Is Wayfair the, nobody laughed at my joke. Are they the ones on MSNBC?

MaxOh, I don't watch it. I don't know. Oh, yeah. Me neither. It might be.

MerlinYou get just what I need.

MaxIt might be. It's like a trendy online. It's like you can buy cheap knockoff mid-mod furniture for your urban apartment on Wayfair.

AlexOh, hello. This looks lovely.

MaxYeah. Sorry. It's going to collapse in a year. Check it out, Alex. Hashtag home. so anyway it came out yesterday that wayfair was was this company wayfair was supplying beds to the detention centers and the employees got really mad and they the the management sent a letter saying hey the customs and border patrol or whatever they're just paying customers and we'll sell anyone a bed and so there's a way uh you know uh i believe tomorrow there's a waypoint

walkout and their headquarters in boston all the employees are going to walk out So solidarity at least from two-thirds of the Dubai Friday program with the workers at Waypoint.

AlexWayfair. Wayfair. Waypoint is a – not podcast.

MaxOh, right.

AlexWow.

MaxHow dare Patrick. I'm really upset that Patrick is selling beds to ice.

AlexPatrick and Austin. Woof.

MaxNo, it's Wayfair. Solidarity with Wayfair. And if you do want to quit, you should quit, first of all. Definitely quit. But come and work for us if you do. God. And here's the funny Dubai Friday angle is, guess, can you guys, can I say, I'm going to put a link in here. So this is a link to a Twitter search for the phrase Wayfair and Conflicted. Okay. Guess what the take is on Twitter. Oh, no.

AlexI mean, it's like, I like Wayfair, but.

MaxResistance grifter, professional resistance grifter Louise Mensch says, quote, I do not get this at all. Did we not protest that the children were sleeping on the ground without blankets and Now we're protesting companies supplying the beds? Oh, no. Go fuck yourself.

AlexFuck off with this.

MaxDan Kaminsky on Twitter. I'm juggling two strongly held opinions. One, in support of Wayfair workers. They didn't sign up for helping to build baby prisons. Two, in support of the kids in these prisons. They need the beds. Holy shit, give them the beds.

AlexOh, no.

MerlinAre there no prisons, no workhouses?

MaxIsn't this, this is like,

AlexI think they should be sent to the poor house.

MaxWhat fucking capacity people have to tie themselves into these ethical pretzels where they're like, ugh, just sweat pouring down their face. It could be good to give the prisons the bids to the child prisons. Or it could be bad. There's no way to know.

Obviously don't do it. It's obviously bad. There's no nuance to this. Do not do business with them. It's not nuanced in any way. You must not do business with them. But I've already paid my student debt.

AlexIf you went into a jewelry store and found out someone got it for free.

MaxWhat the fuck is wrong with people? What is that? Is that some sort of cognitive dissonance and you're like wrapping yourself into a pretzel? Like, what is this?

MerlinWhy did Wayfair have to go and fuck up right as I was about to buy a chair from them? Now I'm conflicted.

AlexI literally was. As soon as you said Wayfair, I was looking at the website and then I'm like, oh, cancel, cancel, cancel. I do not want this $9 pillow. Nope, nope, nope, nope.

MerlinI was conflicted on this because they do need beds. But yes, this. Let's see here. I'm very conflicted on this. I hate for Wayfair to make money on this. But at the same time, I would rather kids sleeping in beds. I just don't know emoji.

Thank you. Thank you, Panda809.

MaxYou cannot be part of this machinery. If it came out somehow that like... You're saying you throw yourself on the levers, you throw yourself on the gears? You can't be part of it. Like, you just can't. Like, isn't there any moral line for these people? Everybody needs a hashtag home. Everybody needs a hashtag home. What about the children? Think of the children. If it came out that CPB was playing cards against humanity in these detention centers, like in between their shifts. You spit on them? I would rather shut down the company than sell a single deck to them.

Like, I just won't be part of it. Is that from Rules for Radicals? Hashtag home. Isn't there any moral line for these people?

MerlinJesus, save this episode. Save. I don't have time to record a second episode. Save this. Alex was out last week. It was terrible. And now you made it more terrible.

AlexNo, no, no. This is being kept in. It's being kept in. Quinn, Quinn, keep it in. And don't even, don't even. Here's the other thing. Why do people, when they screenshot someone supporting fascist ideas, they blur the username of them on Twitter? I'm like, why? Because civility.

Okay. Okay.

MerlinYou know, the social contract goes two ways. If you don't want to treat people. Is that what you learned in the strip mall? It's a meeting of the minds? Is that what they call it? It is. That's what Judge Wapner says.

MaxThat is the civic space. It's a two-way street. Does it create a bailment? If you're not going to agree to the social bonds of giving people human rights and human dignity, and you think whole groups of people should die. You're not going to be able to have foam in a glass sphere. Yeah. You're not. You lose your right to not have people spit at you.

MerlinCould I get a straw, please? My father's straws were his idea. Moving air was a thing he thought of in 1978.

AlexHey, weed's legal in Illinois, so we got that. Thank you to the Cards Against Humanity Corporation for single-handedly legalizing marijuana in the state of Illinois. Oh, boy. That was good. You got anything for us?

MerlinNope, I'm good. You guys keep going. Okay, all right. I wasn't going to dive into this because I feel like last week was a pretty depressing episode, and I don't like to bring, I mean, I don't want to say I don't like to bring politics into the show, but I don't know. I just...

AlexHave you listened to the show? Merlin, you changed and made better Max's Twitter list.

MerlinOkay, all right, all right. I wasn't going to say this. I'm pretty sure Levi's has discontinued the commuter pro jeans.

AlexOh, yeah.

MerlinNo, no. And it's problematic for me. No, no. They still make the shitty ones, but the pro jeans, they're not making anymore. What about my needs? Who's going to buy me a little bed? No, those were the last good ones. I know. Well, go look.

MaxI'm pretty sure they're gone. I don't like to bring politics into the show. I'm sorry. I'm looking at, I mean, I'm on the Levi's website and I see Levi's Commuter Pro 511 Slim Fit Stretch Jeans Black. That's my jeans. You see them on the site.

MerlinCommuter Pro 5, they're off. It says out of stock. No. I think they're done. I think they're done, Zoe. No. I know. You got me hooked. You got me hooked. You did that. so I like the regular ones the regular ones are nice but these are the ones you guys got the fancy pockets on the inside now what do you do the 511s well you got me for the challenge I had to buy pants and so I bought pants and they're reflective because I ride my bike in them I guess but I really liked them and the fit was fine and I liked them a lot and then I got the pro ones and I was like shit dog

now this is some pants these are some trousers I could put in my boot these are fucking trousers and like the pockets are special and nice and I think they're not making them anymore. And I think that's a goddamn... It's literally worse, literally worse than concentration camps. They're reinforced in a crotch to prevent blowout.

AlexAnd they've all been sent there.

MaxOh, this is very upsetting. Oh, now I'm upset. H-O-A in Mexico.

AlexI was under the assumption that Levi's did the thing that Disney sort of used to do where it's like, oh, buy these now or they're going away. Going to the vault. Yeah.

MerlinSorry, Ariel. you're not going to be a part of anybody's fucking world.

MaxNow you live in a vault. How often are you guys rotating out the jeans? How often are you guys rotating out the jeans?

AlexOnce a year, but I buy shitty old Navy jeans.

MerlinOkay. Shitty old Navy jeans. I wear the same pants every day.

AlexWell, same.

MerlinAnd they're really due for a clean and right now.

AlexBut how often do you replace them?

MerlinOh, are you fucking kidding me? Until I'm hanging brain out the front. But how? I will wear them until they literally fall off my body.

AlexNo, no, I'm serious. Like, OK, let's let me ask this then. No, no, no. Like, at what point are your jeans? Would your jeans still be acceptable in your wife's opinion? I'm just curious how long they last.

MerlinWell, that's a very, very different question, isn't it?

AlexI know it is. It is. I'm changing the question.

MerlinOK, so let me let me let me reframe your reframe, which is the point at which my daughter says, could you not wear those when you pick me up? Right.

MaxHangin' brain. Hangin' brain. Title.

MerlinWhat are we going to do about this? Now listen, can you use some of your estimable political power or spitting abilities to try and get us some last, like hanging on to the pontoon as it leaves Vietnam. Can you get us some commuter pro jeans before they're totally gone? Are we going to have to go to fucking eBay? I'm going to email the Levi's Corporation.

MaxYou guys, he's in the tribe. Email them. You know, I feel like an idiot, but someone a while back, I think it was during the pants challenge, a listener emailed me and said what I liked. They said, we make artist anal blue jeans in the city of Chicago, and they're, would you like to come and see how they're made? Oh, fuck. I want to go. I want to go. And I think I just didn't get back to them or something, and I really regret it. This is like Simpson not following up with Chad Abumrad.

MerlinThis is going to haunt me forever. What the fuck? You had a pants opportunity and you blew it?

MaxYeah. Please email me again. I'm really sorry I let that pitch go sailing by. He liked our show.

AlexThis is like a stranger handing me a crunchy bar and me not taking it.

MaxLet me take it and turn it. Let me take it and turn it. All right. What if we get a blue jean company to make the commuter pro jeans? We reverse engineer them and we pivot. Oh, God. And we pivot Dubai Friday into a jeans company. What, are we still going to make the wind jackets? I want them. We got to talk about it. Can we talk about it in the after show, please? Yes. Okay, great. We're going to talk about the exclusive Dubai Friday wind jackets in the after show.

Merlin35 texts in a row is not the same as talking about it. When I say, just so you know, I'm speaking to you in band here because I love you. You're my friend and I love you. Oh, God. If you want to know why Merlin and Alex are fighting, look no further. Well, sometimes I'm making ziti and I really, I can't do, I don't want to make a business decision at that moment. And so what I'll say is I'll say this.

MaxIs that a Sopranos? Does that mean you're like hunting some Russian in the woods and you're like, daddy's making ziti?

MerlinI will say I was hanging brain. I will say to you, Max, whom I love, I will say, this sounds like a cool idea. New text. Let's talk about it. Then you send me more links. You send me more links and ideas and you explain, no, these are wind jackets. And I say, that sounds like a really good idea. Let's talk about it. My hands are literally in ziti at this point. I can't make a business decision while I'm boiling pasta.

AlexI just, I don't understand why you engage. Me? Yes.

MaxOh, okay. Yeah, you're just encouraging me. Oh, shit, you're right. Exactly. All right, let's get, challenge, please.

MerlinWe need all three of us in this relationship to keep it healthy, for sure. This is, uh... If we ever take off these bathrobes and stop sharing a bed, we're fucked. Yeah.

MaxSo you can hear us air the grievances of the Dubai Friday polycule in the after show. Give us your fucking money. You can't make a polygon without a triangle. You just go to giveusyourfuckingmoney.com and we're going to discuss all the wind jacket drama that you are dying to hear. Yes.

MerlinExactly three lines, exactly three angles. And if we're pivoting to a jean company. Look, you can have it say Dr. Dawn. That's really a good idea. We should talk about that. Look, it can say podcast. That's cool. we should talk about that here's what we're looking with a logo on it oh you can put that's that's cool you know we should talk talk about that alex i'm so glad you're back let's go what the challenge that you gave me the challenge the challenge that you assigned as my challenge and then the challenge that you modified in the text channel and i said let's

Alextalk about it yeah oh i will say i i did i swear to god i listened to i almost forgot to listen to the after show not gonna lie but then i listened i'm like wait what's the challenge and then i was in our super secret text channel and still wasn't super that's when he announced the modification yeah and i'm like wait so it's i i i think i did the the challenge but until someone says

Merlinchallenge this week challenge this week is mine and the challenge this week uh is to bring the funny you go out there and you look uh i looked on the youtube you go out and you find something funny and you share with people because everybody wants to laugh does anybody remember laughter like that's what we're here for we're here to have the laughs did you guys bring some laughs

Maxthis week yeah my one is i thought that i thought that maybe i could find these and get them all to be like under a minute and i you modified my challenge to add lots of extra editing work is i think what you did yeah i can't i cannot possibly get these under one minute like it's just not possible all right so let's do round robin style and we'll go around and play some funny videos

Merlinall right i i i i you know what uh prima nocta i get to go first take it away okay so are you all set up for this yeah okay i know you guys know this i don't care it's very funny it still makes me laugh oh so uh praxis praxis praxis praxis i uh i uh i tried to pick ones that would do well with audio some of them require a little bit of quick setup and then they really work as audio i tried to keep them kind of short here's a time stamp link for alex while alex is pulling that up i will tell you this is from a wonderful tv show called upright citizens brigade that aired

in the 1990s uh and so this is uh this is a pretty short short sketch where it's two guys playing golf and we find out that they're brothers and as you'll see in a second one of the brothers is asking the other for business advice uh for an upcoming meeting suck so anyways i finally got a meeting with bellamy the bacon bits king now i know my campaign's awesome the problem is

Speaker Aeverybody i talk to says bellamy's a real ball breaker that's what they say yeah well nick you're You're my brother, and you're incredibly successful. Yes, I am. I was hoping that maybe you could give me some tips that might give me an edge when I meet with him. Okay, sure. Here's a good one. When you greet him, give him a good firm handshake, and don't release until he does. No, no, no, no. I want something different, something special. Wear a red tie. Power tie. That's Bush League. I'm talking about a secret weapon here, Nick. Oh, a secret weapon, huh? Yeah. Okay, I think I know what you're after.

But if I tell you, you gotta promise not to tell anybody else. I promise. That's a sort of a long-term strategy. When's your meeting with Bellamy? A week from today. Oh, not much time. But it might work. Yeah, okay, sure. Every time a penny passes through your hands, stick it up your ass. What? And then spend it. I've been sticking $30 in pennies up my ass for the past 11 years. That's 3,000 pennies a day.

21,000 pennies a week 1,092,000 pennies a year To date, that's 12,12,000 pennies Eight times the population of Nebraska Those pennies were in my ass You think you're better than me? You're not better than me You handle my ass pennies every day You pick up my ass pennies for good luck You throw my ass pennies in fountains and make wishes on them You give my ass pennies to little daughters to buy gumboes You handle my ass pennies every day.

All of you. You all handle my ass pennies. I laugh at you before you can laugh at me. Because your pennies have been in my ass.

AlexOh, boy. Oh, well, I think I've already done the challenge wrong, as that is four minutes, and mine are all under 60 seconds.

MerlinOh, no, you're better than me. You think you're better than me?

AlexWell, I also thought these were supposed to be stand-up bits.

MaxI thought they were supposed to be – all of mine are stand-up bits too. But that's okay. Two out of three of us did the channel.

MerlinCut mine out. Cut mine out.

MaxNo, that's fine.

MerlinI'll go find some stand-up. Yo, Toe.

AlexTank. Tank. Walk. Oh, boy.

MerlinWe should just talk about them. We should just talk about things we like.

AlexBoy. Should I go since I'm all queued up? All right. It needs no context because it's a stand-up bit.

Speaker AMy apartment is infested with koala bears. It's the cutest infestation ever. Way better than cockroaches. When I turn on the light, a bunch of koala bears scally.

And I don't want them to, you know. I'm like, hey, hold on, fellas. Let me hold one of you. and feed you a leaf.

Why do koala bears, they're so fucking cute. Why do they have to be so far away from me? We need to ship a few over, and I will apprehend one. And hold them, alright. And put them on the back of his head.

I've always wanted to have a suitcase handcuffed to my wrist. alright it's not a full joke there

Alexthat's just a Mitch Hedberg bit

Maxhe's so good there's so many people doing Mitch Hedberg and there's it only works for him

Alexdid you ever see him live? no I never saw him live

Merlinno I was a baby I mean like his he has the kind of bit where like you know he's part I feel like he's part of a tradition of people you know kind of like Stephen Wright people who are like committed to a certain character and so much of the joke is in some ways dependent. Like if, you know, when we do that joke, like if you're a middle school kid and do those jokes, it's not as funny because you're not Mitch Hedberg, right? But like, and it's, and so like in an environment like where people are drinking and yelling and stuff like that, you would think, oh God, this is going to fuck it up. He handled it all so well.

It did not break character the whole time. And he was so fucking funny the whole time. He was incredible. He's, oh God. He's so fucking good. Sorry. Sorry. It's like, sorry for the convenience.

AlexThat was what I know. Okay.

MaxAll right. I'll do my, I'll do my, I only have one short one. So I'll do that one first. And this is of course the great Brian Regan.

Speaker ARight in the park, we saw another family. They had like a five-year-old boy holding a helium balloon. And he accidentally let go of his balloon. The boy started crying. And his parents are like, why are you crying? It's a balloon. We'll get you another one. I'm like, japers, grapers, folks. Sometimes I don't think adults try hard enough, you know, to understand what kids are going through You know, if you wanted to relate to what's going through Imagine if you took your wallet out and it just started floating away Why are you acting like that?

It's a wallet, we'll get you another When I want, I want Oh my god

AlexOh god no I'm looking right now

MerlinI don't watch a lot of stand up comedy

AlexI'm looking for things That's why it was a challenge You guys just suck

MerlinI know I spent more time You have no good stand up ideas I fucking hate you guys I spent so much time on this getting time stamps exactly the right part. I wrote for this challenge.

AlexI wrote. Yes, I want to hear it. I want to hear it.

MaxMerlin, just go through your videos. They're fine.

AlexJust because it's peanut butter doesn't mean we don't eat it.

MaxWow. That's why we need Alex, really. Jesus. What?

AlexYeah, clearly.

MaxSo profound. Uh-huh. Just in the interest of keeping the show moving.

MerlinI'm right here. I'll give you mine, but you're not allowed to be mad at me because it wasn't my challenge that was my challenge. And then I wanted to find comedy. I like sketch comedy, and I like audio comedy.

AlexI agree. I agree.

MerlinGo for it. Pass it on. Pass it on. Pass it on. We are out of it. We've got to get it together. See, now? Okay. All right. What will play better? You know what? Okay, I'm going to go with the Exit 57 one that I'm sure you guys didn't watch. Did you guys watch it yesterday?

AlexNo. Yeah, can you send it again?

MerlinOkay, this is a show called Exit 57. Sorry, sketch comedy. Fucked up the challenge. Peanut butter, peanut butter. So this is a show that you will know better from the people that were on it than from the actual show probably. So like Colbert used to be on here. Actually here in a minute, Amy Sedaris used to be on there. And this, I don't know why, this sketch gets me. The setup is, it's like a break room in an office environment. And there's a woman sitting at a table by herself. And then two other women walk in and start talking to her.

Speaker AHey. Hi, you guys. Hey, Vicki. Hi. Hi, aren't you eating lunch today? No, I'm not going to lunch Oh, how come? You always eat lunch I know, I'm just so mad Why? Well, I got to work this morning I went downstairs to get an orange juice I drank a whole bottle of Jameson's whiskey Shot by shot, by mistake I thought it was orange juice I was drunk all morning I couldn't get any work done Vicki, you gotta get it together

Yeah I know, and I've got that huge report due by the end of the day. Oh, well, we'll help you. Oh, that's okay. You shouldn't work too late, because Teasdale's big bashes tonight. I can't go to the party. Why? I mean, everyone's invited. I know. Well, I went to TOG's to buy a new dress for the party. I spent my entire paycheck at Off Track Betting on the trifecta. I'm so mad. I don't know what happened. Well, you can borrow one of my dresses. It's all right if I don't go. I know everyone's talking about me.

Oh, well, you were a little late this morning. I know. I was watching TV last night and nothing was on. So I went down to get a fudgesicle and wound up having sex for money.

I'm so mad. I spent $65.

AlexVery good.

MerlinSo that has led to two. Oh, that was tasty peanut butter. Two over decades long bits in our house that you can probably guess. She's so mad. You got to get it together.

Everything Amy Sedaris says is so funny. Just the sounds that her mouth makes. Did you guys ever watch Strangers with Candy when it was on? Yeah, yeah. Do you remember the one where she's trying to be your cheerleader and they realize she can't read?

Jerry, what do you think that word is? Fandango. hobo camp Chipotle Alex you're up

Alexkeep it moving

Maxkeep it moving what do you got

Alexthis this this was my first exposure to Tig Notaro and it's a bit she did on Conan but I still think just the audio holds up I was performing in Seattle

Speaker Aand um when I was on stage I moved the stool next to me just slightly and it made this weird noise and it caused the entire audience to laugh collectively. And I was like, oh, that's all you guys needed? So I just kept pushing the stool and they kept laughing.

So I just kept pushing the stool and they stopped laughing. So I kept pushing the stool. They started laughing again. It just kept going like that for a while, a good 10 minutes. So I was just curious what you guys would think if I push the stool here.

Oh my God.

I feel like maybe some of you aren't into it. That doesn't offend me. If you're not, raise your hand. If you want me to stop a couple of you. Maybe it's because you haven't heard it enough. Oh, my gosh.

See how it just keeps doing that?

AlexOh, boy.

Speaker AFor those of you that do like it, that's going to be on my new CD.

AlexAnd please look for it. the, it's called stool movement. I decided to play the whole two minutes because I wanted to.

MerlinI don't want to, I don't want to, I will not analyze that, but it would be fun to analyze why that's funny. All I'm going to say is, I didn't think she'd do it and then she did it and then she committed and she kept doing it.

AlexOh, it is my, oh God, it's so good. It's so good. I'll put the link.

MerlinKristen Charlotte is a horse. Kristen Charlotte is a horse. All right.

MaxSo there are some stand-up comedians who I think are primarily funny because of their acting and their delivery. Right. I would put Brian Regan. I think Brian Regan is a competent writer, but he's a fucking brilliant performer. And his noises he makes, his mannerisms on stage. I mean, they just make me belly laugh. Even when the thing he's observing is a little bit, you know, an airplane joke or something like that. And then there are comedians that are primarily writers and their stuff is very heady and funny, but they're not the best.

They don't do like act outs and stuff. And then there are people who are the both like they're just nail it. And Tig, that bit from Tig was both for sure. Like such a fucking funny delivery. Like it wouldn't have worked. That bit, you can't have done that bit without the acting that she brought to it and her character. But also you have to like how fucking clever to come up with that premise and write it and write it out.

MerlinI mean, it seems like the kind of thing you only could do if, I mean, it sounds stupid, but like you would have to know it's going to work. Like how would you know there can't be a carpet there? There's all kinds of stuff where like how would you know that's going to work?

MaxIt's her, I mean, to me the best comedy is that you have a worldview and you bring the audience into your worldview. Yes. And then they start to see the world like you do and then just anything is fun. It doesn't matter what you're talking about. Like you're not have to say funny things. It's that you're saying things funny. But anyway This is my favorite stand-up bit ever That I've ever heard And I think it's the best writing ever in stand-up It's a little long I think I can get it down to like four or five minutes But we'll have to cut it off at some point But this is a George Carlin bit And this is from

I believe the album is Jammin' in New York Over 90% Over, way over 90% of all the species

Speaker AThat have ever lived On this planet, ever lived Are gone They're extinct we didn't kill them all they just disappeared that's what nature does they disappear these days at the rate of 25 a day and I mean regardless of our behavior irrespective of how we act on this planet 25 species that were here today will be gone tomorrow let them go gracefully leave nature alone haven't

we done enough we're so self important so self-important. Everybody's going to save something now. Save the trees. Save the bees. Save the whales. Save those snails. And the greatest arrogance of all, save the planet. What? Are these fucking people kidding me? Save the planet? We don't even know how to take care of ourselves yet. We haven't learned how to care for one another. We're going to save the fucking planet? I'm getting tired of that shit. Tired of that shit.

Tired. I'm tired of fucking Earth Day. I'm tired of these self-righteous environmentalists, these white bourgeois liberals who think the only thing wrong with this country is there aren't enough bicycle pads. People trying to make the world safe for their Volvos. Besides, environmentalists don't give a shit about the planet. They don't care about the planet. Not in the abstract, they don't. Not in the abstract, they don't. You know what they're interested in? A clean place to live. Their own habitat.

They're worried that someday in the future they might be personally inconvenienced. Narrow, unenlightened self-interest doesn't impress me. Besides, there is nothing wrong with the planet. Nothing wrong with the planet. The planet is fine. The people are fucked. Difference. Difference. The planet is fine. Compared to the people, the planet is doing great.

AlexOh boy.

MerlinHe was good. He was so good. The best. Should we do one more?

AlexYeah, Marlon's got one more and I've got one.

MerlinNo, no. I've got a few more. I do have another, but you're not going to like it because it's not stand-up comedy. You can't use iOS 13. It's not stand-up comedy. Man, I need it for my work.

My late father was a wonderful man. And he had a great sense of humor that even I can remember from being seven years old. And my father's favorite comedian was a guy who was one of the early TV stars and whose style of comedy was so very odd. If you haven't ever checked out Ernie Kovacs, listeners, go out and find some Ernie Kovacs. Because to say he was ahead of his time is not even getting close. Anyhow, timestamp here. This is an album I had as a kid and I would listen to incessantly.

And for some reason, this was probably my favorite thing on the album. I think it plays well as audio because it is an album. But there's so many times in life, three or four times a month, I think of this bit for reasons that will seem obvious maybe. The bit is called Drungo.

Speaker AIn each box, you will find 33 green ping pong balls cut in half called semis, 11 blue simulated plastic squares called drill eggs, 17 yellow rectangular markers called jundos, 11 pink wooden triangles called pink wooden triangles. 143 arrows with orange suction cups on the ends 106 arrows with red suction cups on the ends 113 arrows with Glenn Platt suction cups on the ends Two arrows with steel tips dipped in poison karari One deck of cards with pictures of famous Chinese rickshaw pullers of the early 11th century on their fronts

One large droomo board with a catch set on automatic time lock How to play First open the Drungo board when the automatic time log goes off Take out the 441 pieces and the Rickshaw Puller's deck of cards Then disassemble the Drungo box and reassemble it Following the 30-page instruction booklet to form one Drungo board A card table, four chairs, and a self-revolving automatic Susan For a centerpiece on which you can place fruit, nuts, or bits of candy for your guests Any number of players may play Drungo

Two, three, five, seven, eight, thirteen, or one hundred and six Whole towns have been known to play To begin, the player who rolls the highest number on the 11 pairs of dice Which you will find under the drillings and red plastic triangles Goes first He does not use the pair of dice The 12th pair in the jungle box marked high roller first Should he use the high roller go first pair of dice in error He will be penalized when not to go second Unless the person going first also used the high roller go first dice In his trial roll, which he will go third The highest roller going second and the lowest rolling going first

unless the lowest roller has more than half the drillings or one third the pink wooden triangles in his possession at the time of the opening of the game, in which case no one goes first. Okay, that's good.

MaxThat's so fucking funny. Ernie Kovacs. What year was this? I don't think I've ever heard Ernie Kovacs stand-up comedy before. About 1955. Wow. Wow.

AlexHoly shit. Dang. Very good. Dang, dang, dang. All right. This is my last bit with the caveat of it's a Maria Bamford bit.

MerlinOh, my God. Yes, yes, yes, yes. I talked to her once and it was amazing.

AlexOh, I have a Maria. I'll save it for the after show.

MerlinAnecdotes.

AlexAnecdotes. Oh, do I have? All right. There's this bit Maria Bamford released that was just like the Maria Bamford Christmas special.

MerlinOh, my God. I love it so much. With Burton Blossy.

AlexYep, yep. She's just sitting on her couch, talking to the camera. It's a great gift.

MerlinI made it for you.

AlexAnd there's Merlin.

Speaker AIs it the John Dewey?

AlexNo, no, no, no. I did not select anything from that because she is sitting down the bit I selected. Oh, standing. She is standing. We recently married. Only nine months, so we've been having a lot of sex.

Speaker AA lot of fudging and wedging and lotions and potions and unguents and poultices and jams and jellies and sauces and salsas and mustards and custards and foams and soups and smoothing milks and hustle bustle, hustle bustle, hustle bustle. Hammer, anvil, hammer, anvil, hammer, anvil.

Speaker BNothing's been consummated, but we've been doing some furious hand-holding and our palms are raw with desire.

AlexOh, God, I love her so, so much.

MerlinI love her so, so much.

AlexAll right, Max, what is your last one?

MaxI have one from one of my favorite stand-up albums ever, and this is Ellen DeGeneres' album, Taste This. And this is probably her most famous stand-up bit. I think she was on that Dave Letterman Netflix thing.

Alexmy next guest needs no intro production.

MaxShe talked about this bit and how it changed her career, but I do think this is one of the all-time great stand-up conceits and executions of all time. And it's just the whole thing is kind of like one act out on a premise, and it's just – think of how could you have written this. Like it's so good. I don't know. This one blows my mind. It's a better concept and a better execution than probably any comedy thing I'll ever do.

Speaker BSo here's the thing. I feel like that everything on this earth is here for a reason. That's just my opinion. I think that there are no mistakes. And I think that even if you don't understand why one thing is here, you find out later it works with the ecosystem somewhere else. It does something. I don't understand why we have fleas here, because fleas do nothing at all beneficial. But I thought at times like this, when we can't figure it out for ourselves, wouldn't it be great if we could just pick up the phone and call up God and ask him these things? Just pick up the phone, call up God.

Yeah, hi God, it's Ellen. Ellen. Degenerous. Degenerous. What's so funny?

No, I never thought of that. It does sound like that, doesn't it? I get it. Listen, if you weren't too busy... Sure, I'll hold on. the eyes of the gate onward christian soul yeah now just sing along your tape it's not a tape they're good

listen god there are certain things on this earth i just don't understand why they're here no not fabio No.

No. But there are certain things that mean Jesus Christ. No, I didn't mean that. That was great. We're still talking about that. Now I was thinking more about insects. No, bees are great. The honey. That was clever.

You're welcome. I was thinking more about fleas. They seem to have no beneficial... No, I didn't realize how many people were employed by the flea collar industry Not to mention sprays Well, I guess you're right Of course you are Of course you are Yeah Yeah Well, you got a little cold, God bless you Yeah, bless yourself

You could just bless yourself, couldn't you? Yes, I'm still doing the comedy. Uh-huh. Oh, you got a joke for me.

I'd love to hear it. No, I got time. Of course, you know that more than me, huh? That was a joke. Go on.

No. Who's there? That who? Godzilla. it's incredibly funny uh-huh

Speaker Aanother one

Speaker Bwho's there got who got a dime whoa i don't have time for another one no i just remembered appointment i have to get to so i gotta go how about that god who gotta go cute stupid all righty it was good talking to you too and I'll see I'll talk to you later

Speaker Aoh god

Alexoh we got two lesbians onto the show good job everybody

Thank you.

138. You’re Dirty and God Hates You

Show notes

Transcript

138. You’re Dirty and God Hates You

Show notes

Transcript

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