125. Uh Oh!

AlexThis is Do By Friday, a weekly challenge podcast with Merlin Mann, Alex Cox, and Max Temkin. This week's challenge, take a walk.

MaxAre we recording now?

AlexPlease say we're recording now. Good. Okay.

MaxGood, good, good. I might have another one. Hold on.

AlexHold on. This is awful. Hold on.

MaxOh, Alex. I know. It's upsetting. Okay, I got to do a bigger one than that now. That's a challenge. Merlin's not here, so Alex and I are having a dominance display. Who can belch louder into the microphone?

Speaker ACan I hear myself? Can I hear my... Now I can in one ear. Now I can hear in one ear. Oh, it's the...

MaxAlex? Yeah, I broke it this morning. It's all donked up.

Speaker BNo, it's been broken for months.

MaxYou danged it.

Speaker BYou danged it.

MaxIt's all donked up.

Speaker BNo, see? It's been broken for months.

Speaker ACan I hear... Nope.

Speaker BThat entire seat is extremely cursed. That's the one that fell off on me last time. Why did you have me sit here then?

AlexBecause I thought it'd be funny because this is normally where Max sits.

MaxOh, nice. I'm getting cocked here.

Speaker AYou are such a cock.

MaxAlex, these need to be fixed.

AlexThey're all broken. No, is that one broken? Yes. Cool, expensive studio you have here.

MaxOh, these burps are going to be so much better. Are we recording now?

Speaker BMy goose is loose over here.

MaxAre we recording? Okay.

AlexThat's because this morning I tried to fix them, and then a bunch of washers came out. Hey, everybody.

MaxWelcome to Dubai Friday. Hold on, hold on, hold on. It's America's number one challenge podcast. Oh, hosted by Jeff Probst.

AlexI can't. Come on in, everybody.

MaxCome on in, guys. Come on into the burp house. Merlin is out this week in a horrible turn of events. And Alex and I are now. There we go. I got some. Alex, be a gentleman. Alex and I. Alex, Jesus. Alex and I are now competing in a dominance display To see who can have the loudest belch on microphone To see who's the new podcast daddy Alex that one blew my hair back

AlexNo no no no this is nothing This is nothing

MaxJen I was just immediately prior to the podcast I was in a meeting with Jen And she watched me eat a Chipotle burrito In about 20 seconds

Speaker BI guess it is noon

MaxI just housed a Chipotle burrito

Speaker AAnd you dribbled it on your shirt It went everywhere We were having like a serious boss to boss meeting There we go Nice. Holy shit.

AlexIt's not fair. I haven't had any food today. And this is flat Diet Coke because I like flat Diet Coke. So I've let it sit for a while.

MaxJoining us in the studio this week are Cards Against Humanity illustrator, Kevin Budnick and Cards Against Humanity's community manager? I don't know. Head Jen. Head Jen of Cards Against Humanity. Best Jen. Thank you. Jen does all of the work of the CEO of Cards Against Humanity and has all of the responsibility of the CEO.

Speaker AAnd I don't get paid. I'm here in a volunteer. I'm here in a volunteer.

MaxYeah, we met Jen on Twitter, and she was like, can I come by the office and help out with some stuff? And now she basically is in charge of the company.

Speaker AI started in the mailroom, started at the bottom, now we're here. And you know what? I don't want to get paid because I just want to help the company.

MaxJen, I feel like you may want to get out in front of your rude comments about people who work in mailrooms to imply that it's the bottom, and maybe get that public apology out of the way. You're disrespectful.

Speaker ATo all my fans, I just want to say I am going to keep learning, keep listening

Maxhave you prepared anything in the notes app

Alexwait wait wait no Jen what about the power bottoms you've upset them now about the ones who want to be in the showroom yes I want to be I'm I feel like I'd be a power button

Speaker Await can I share an anecdote of one of my one of the early days at cards please we were it was like the first time we were looking to ever hire interns to help us out like with a lot of the care package and stuff we sent from the office and Max was like yeah or we weren't sure if we were hiring a contractor or an intern and I was like well just say we're looking for like a college student and Max was like just put an age range on it and I was like Max I don't think we can do that I think that's ageism and you went Max Max you went so if an 80 year old man came into the office and wanted to do our mail we would just

have to let him do it? If he was in college yes! If he was extremely qualified? And I was like how great would that be? And now I think about that. Grandpa Man. Now he's the president.

MaxOh, no.

Let's see. What else is happening? Engineer Cameron is out this week, and he's replaced by Engineer Quinn. Hi, Quinn. Hi, Quinn.

AlexYeah. Are you taking edit notes as this is happening? time stamps for every time I burp. Oh, now she is.

MaxLook at that. Now she's scrambling.

AlexI was going to take notes, but at this point, I think it's hopeless and I just have to figure this out later. Just too much gas.

Speaker AThere's like clouds in this room.

MaxChallenge this week was to take a walk and I did that this morning. Well, I started yesterday. I was like, it's kind of getting warm out. So I was like, I'll take my skateboard everywhere. And this morning, I took my skateboard out to my first meeting. got hit by a car whoa holy shit and like and also i want to clarify because i realize people say that and it sounds very dramatic it does and i didn't get hit by a car a little bit i fully got hit by you're here now yeah i'm i'm feeling i'm like a little weird yeah i got i walked away from it i i fully got hit by wait wait hold on wait what time did you get hit by a car okay it was

I can tell you exactly I believe it was because I texted the first thing I did when I realized I could still text stand up was I texted my meeting and said I was running late

Speaker Bthat is so responsible you didn't do the power move of I'm running late I got hit by a car what do you think I said yeah 100% I was like I hit by a car I'll be a little late I was expecting it I thought you just said I'm running late but I'm running late I have some burp related issues I am the captain now.

Speaker AThis might be my fault. I told you to go for a walk on last week's after show.

AlexOh, no. He wasn't walking.

MaxYeah, that's true. So it was 9.07 a.m. outside of the Aldi on Milwaukee Avenue. Oh. So basically, I was just taking my skateboard. I was in the bike lane, just cruising down the bike lane. And a guy just pulls into the bike lane. He was trying to go into the Aldi, and he just pulled into the bike lane. And he pulled right in front of me. And it was exactly the amount of time. I mean, he probably pulled six feet in front of me or something. So it was like exactly the amount of time where I was like, I couldn't stop.

It was not enough time to bring my skateboard to a stop. But I did realize I was like, that car is absolutely going to hit me. Oh, yeah. Did you go into bullet time? Like 100% that car was because you're going to matrix bullet time. And so I flipped onto the car and I rolled over the hood. Shut up. That's what you're supposed to do. Yeah, I rolled over the hood and I fell on the floor. and one of my shoes went flying. Why does that always happen? And my glasses fell on the street. My glasses.

Speaker BOh, no, my glasses. Oh, no. My glasses. My scoot, scoot. Oh, no, my scoot, scoot.

MaxWere you wearing your helmet? What helmet? Yeah, that's what I thought. Yeah, no, I don't own so much as I don't. Were you wearing your reflective vest? Yeah I was wearing all my My high viz I fucking get on my t-shirt and jeans And I ride my skateboard So I was like Lying on the dirt In the street really Because I fully flipped over this car And then I was kind of like Am I dead? No It was like my first thought I was like did I die? Hello? Can anyone hear me?

And then everyone was like don't get up And I was like

AlexOh my god

MaxThat's correct. Don't move him. We're in the perimeter. So a lot of spectators stopped, and they're like, don't move. Don't get up. Don't get up. But I was like, what am I going to lie here on the street? That's not dignified. So I sort of did a little scan, and I was like, I think I'm OK. And I got up. And then the guy was like, and then someone was like, do you want to call an ambulance? And I was like, how am I supposed to make that decision? I don't think so.

Speaker BDid someone Did like a pedestrian Or like a bystander Call somebody 10 people stopped Did anybody No one called Like the police

MaxSomeone asked me Do you want to call an ambulance And I was like I don't know how to answer that Did the driver just Keep driving No he stayed Oh okay He stayed He didn't Like the driver was weird He was like I don't know Like an older dude Like 50 or something And he like Works in the mail room

AlexYeah didn't He didn't get the job And was bitter

MaxHe was just Falling back To the skateboard

Speaker B50 year old College student

MaxMy rampant ageism comes back to bike. And then he was like, afterwards, he was like, do you want a ride? He's like, I'll give you a ride to wherever you're going. No, you just hit me with your car. And I was like, no, thank you.

Speaker AYou just hit me with your car. I'm not going to get in your car.

MaxHe's going to take you to an undisclosed location. And he wouldn't give me. And I took a picture of his driver's license, but he wouldn't show me his insurance. So I don't know. Maybe he doesn't have insurance. I don't know. He's been a little cagey about the old insurance. I see. but I got his phone number and I called it to make sure it went to him and good job to be of mind to do that I would have been like

Speaker AI'm sorry my fault I'm so sorry that I collided with your car yeah is the car okay is the car okay yeah

MaxI did put a nice dent in his hood hell yeah I have a nice picture of it fuck yeah you did the hood of the car it is pretty doll bent

Speaker Amax size I have a I have a question when you hit the car now that i know you're okay i feel okay to laugh about this when you hit the car did a bunch of like magic cards shoot out in the air oh that'd be so good

Alexi would be worried that like certain devices would start stabbing him like that would be

Maxthe downfall you know i did have magic stuff on my like like sonic like sonic has has coins you guys all heard the story of when um brian eno and david byrne got mugged and these muggers drag David Burns off and David Burnoff into the into the bushes and he just goes

Speaker Buh oh

Maxthat would have been funny if I get hit by the car and I was just like uh oh uh oh

Speaker BI'm gonna be late for my meeting

Maxthat was one of the first things i thought of i was like did i die and then i was like oh man i didn't leave enough time for this tuesdays am i right um so let's see so then the guy okay so the guy was like can i drive you and then i was like no and then he's like what can i do for you and i was like well i was like maybe the next time i was like when you're driving just before you pull into the bike lane like just check out the bike lane

and see if there's anyone there because like I think I'm okay but like next time you could kill someone and then he went into a whole thing he's like oh there was another car and there was a woman and I couldn't see and it was blocking my view and there was nothing I couldn't and I was like okay let's take it for let's take it as a given that there's nothing to learn from this and you couldn't have prevented it and there's nothing to do differently and and you're completely blameless and you're never going to learn any lesson from this. Right. How about this? If you can't see into the bike lane, don't pull into the bike lane at a high speed. Just wait. And he was like, no, I'm not going to give it to you.

I got no satisfaction. Wow. No apology. No like, yeah.

AlexIf I had just committed a felony, I'm going to agree with whatever.

MaxI have his number. Should I text him anything?

AlexAsk him if you can call him and be on the podcast.

MaxShould I call him? Yes. Do you want to be on my podcast? Yes, yes, yes, yes. Well, he's going to defend himself. He's not. Let me give you a spoiler. He's not going to be satisfying. He's going to be like, whoa, someone else was doing something else wrong.

Speaker AMax, just call and ask. Just call and say, I'm the person who hit with your car this morning. How are you? How's your day going?

AlexIt's like when Seinfeld calls his car when it's been stolen.

Speaker ABut what's the bit?

AlexJust call him.

Speaker AThe bit is now you want to be his best friend.

MaxNo, but we need a bit. There has to be a bit.

AlexNo, there doesn't.

Speaker AYou can't. If you're recording this and putting it in the show, you have to tell him legally. Yes. No, not anymore.

MaxIllinois. Illinois changed that? Oh, wait. I'm not a lawyer. Don't listen to me, but I do think we got rid of two-party consent.

AlexTwo-party recording state.

MaxI think it changed. I think it changed recently in the last year or two.

Speaker BSo one time I got hit by a car on my bike, and both of us were in the wrong. I was trying to turn left from a lane where you could only go forward, and the driver was trying to go forward from a lane where you could only turn left. And someone immediately called the police Like right away Like I had no say in the matter I was fine But then a fire truck came Cops came And everything And they had to They brought me onto the fire truck To check me out

And be like Hey, do you have a concussion? Are you like They like Oh, how do you know if you have a concussion? They know They're paramedics

AlexDo you feel concussed? I have been asked that before And it is the worst question What would that feel like?

MaxI mean, I think I always feel like I'm in comfort. Let's do the test. Max, who's the president? Oh, bummer. I'm not going to answer on principle. I won't say it.

Speaker AThat's the correct answer. Okay.

MaxHillary Clinton, she won the popular vote. I'll remind you.

Speaker ADo you have a headache?

MaxYes.

Speaker AAre you nauseous and vomiting? You're burping a lot. No, no. I'm not nauseous or vomiting. Are you confused or dizzy? Yes. Almost always. Yes. Slightly. Are you sensitive to the light in this room?

AlexNo.

Speaker AThere's not much light. Difficulty concentrating. This is just you at a normal desk.

MaxThis is Max. I know. See, that's the problem.

Speaker AAre you always concussed?

MaxI think you're permanently concussed. Another thing that's confusing is my pupils are slightly different sizes, but they're always that way. Always. Oh, yeah. I know that. It's in my dossier. Good. You guys, like if someone is like, it's medically important, you have trouble concentrating. What would you say?

Speaker AI would say what? I wasn't paying attention. Yeah. Could you repeat that?

Maxcool shoes i have a question alex did you casually drop into our text conversation about a couple weeks ago that i taught you some magic tricks and you were practicing those magic tricks and then you noticed something weird in your finger and you went to the doctor and the doctor looked at your finger and said it was a tumor yes does anyone want to touch it you have a finger tumor do you do you want to touch it yeah okay tell the whole story so post the other fingers and then

Alexand then poke the middle finger. You gotta do it kinda hard. So then poke, but then poke the middle finger. No, no, no, lower, like where the knuckle-

Speaker BOh, yeah! There's a thing there.

AlexIt hurts quite a bit.

Speaker BIt feels like you have a ball bearing in your finger.

AlexYeah, that's my tumor friend. Can I poke it?

MaxIs that weird? That's crazy. Is it weird? No, I mean, yeah. Where do I do? Poke here? It feels like a BB. Right there. Yes, what is that?

AlexThat's my small tumor friend. So they were like. Are they going to take it out? Well, they tested.

MaxCan you, Alex, please, I beg you. I'm begging you. I'm begging you. Could you start the story from the beginning? Okay. Pretend we haven't already heard it.

AlexI haven't heard it. I haven't heard it. That's the thing. I was doing some card tricks. I was doing some magic card tricks. And I was like, huh, that kind of hurt. And then a couple days went by and I'm like, why is this hurting? And then I was just kind of poking around and I'm like, oh, my middle finger, it hurts when this happens. And I just kind of poked at it. And I'm like, nah, nah, nah. And I just went to the doctor to get my nose and face checked out because sinuses.

So is anything else going on? And I'm like, OK, this is going to sound crazy. But there's a little, like, it's not visible. But there appears to be, like, a bump on my finger where the, on the inside of my finger.

Speaker AOh, no, my fingy.

AlexMy fingy hurts. and there's kind of like what you can't see it though so I'm sure it's nothing and they kind of poked it around they're like hmm that that sure seen you know it's probably a cyst huh huh and then they took an x-ray of my hand and they're like oh yeah it's just this little tumor it's probably benign uh and they're like can we get a biopsy and then I'm like well I'm gonna be traveling a lot in the next two weeks is this something where if it's cancerous in a if I do this in three weeks i will have died i'm like no it's fine so after after this after uh pax east

hey if you're at pax east uh dm me at alex cox finger poking me no i will not let you put my poke my finger but let's hang out i'm at alex cox on twitter uh and then after pax east i'm

Maxgonna get a biopsy okay wait so you're already getting into your pack schedule but wait you

Alexdon't know if it's cancerous or not well they said it is 99 like just this benign cyst that is in my finger and i did ask however so i've been doing a lot of magic tricks lately

Maxyou got you got a curse this is because of the magic this is really important yes okay listen to me yes if they go in and they're taking stuff out of your hand if they're cutting open your hand yes you've got to put an rfid in there they've got you open so here's the thing here's the thing

Alexokay okay i haven't finished i haven't finished the story and they asked me have you ever had a hand implant and I was like, oh, no, but I thought about it. But I'm interested.

MaxCan I let me ask you this? Yes. Okay, this is getting a little weird, but just go with me on this journey here. What if it's part of it that you can't remember? What if someone else, what if you were given the implant and that's a whole part of it is that afterwards you don't remember? My God. That's true. Maybe the aliens did it or the government. It could be QAnon.

Speaker BI would be so excited if this was a big conspiracy. Or counterpoint, they're going to open up that cyst, and cards are just going to fly out of it. And it's a trick that Max has said.

Speaker AYeah, I did it.

Speaker BUh-oh. Uh-oh.

MaxHonestly, just being able to open the door to the podcast studio with a little chip in your hand would be so cool. A ding-dong on your finger.

Speaker AWhat if someone steals your hand? I don't feel like you guys are thinking this through.

MaxWhat if someone steals your hand?

AlexI think about this every day, Jen. Especially because, oh, okay. Does everyone understand the hand story? Can we move on?

Speaker AI feel like I understand it.

AlexOkay. There was a beginning, a middle, and an end to that story. And there will be follow-up later. Okay. I'm very excited about the follow-up. But yesterday, I got an email. I swear to God, this is somewhat kind of sort of pertinent. Yesterday, I got an email from my landlord just about how the basement was leaking. And he's like, oh, I guess the hot water heater hasn't been working. But good news, now it's fixed. So you're going to have hot water again.

I didn't know that we didn't have hot water. I just thought that we lived in a shitty apartment building that only had lukewarm water.

MaxDo you have any idea how many kinds of illegal it is for the guy to text you and be like, hey, come on surprise, I was in your apartment.

AlexThat is called discovery evidence. And I was like, okay, that's nice. But then I came home and he had, because we also have locks that don't work, he had to remove the lock. This is not an apartment that you are describing. You live in his house, I think. Well, he owns it. But unfortunately, he-

MaxYou have to move.

AlexHold on. This is the beginning. Oh my God, you're going to be murdered. This is the middle of the story. We will get to the end. And I swear, it's sort of pertinent. And he, but then I was pissed off because he broke our, he tripped over our litter box and then broke it. And I was very upset.

MaxAlex, you can't have some guy. Oh, he broke. That's a B&E. Your landlord can't just come. He has to tell you like 48 hours in advance. I know.

AlexI don't know. But then he's like, oh, so, you know, we should get some new locks. And I asked, oh, if I pay for a smart lock, can we get those? And this is the man who won't allow us to nail anything to our wall. So we have nothing on our walls. But he's like, oh, sure, that's fine. So I'm now researching what locks have RFID capabilities. And there is a person in Seattle who can legally implant a little RFID chip into your hand. So then I'm not going to have to carry keys to my home.

Why isn't anyone else excited about that? Come on. Everyone listening is like, woo.

MaxThere's so many other things. Alex, this is an unsafe living situation. You have to move. He's fine. Number one, he's not fine. He changed the locks. Probably not. It's not fine.

Speaker BConsidering his track record.

MaxI think there's two things going on. I think it's like a boiling frog thing. If it got weirder and weirder and it's here and it's full. You're right. He's gaslighting you. It's fully unacceptable now. But also, like, you have no judgment. Like, you... This is true. You've lost all sense of reality. Just trust me, Alex.

AlexAre you dizzy? This is the only place I've lived that was in a dorm room. Like, immediately... Oh, my God. Alex, you need to move. Well, it's...

MaxYou need to move. Talk to our real estate person. She helped, like, Eric find a really cool apartment. You don't even need a real estate person. You don't need a real estate person. You go on Craigslist and Domu. No. Look at the card. Look at the car. Oh, my God.

AlexYeah, let's get back to this. Let's call this man. Very nice.

Speaker AYeah, you really got a crack in there. It's a Max-shaped hole.

AlexOh, and here's a picture of Max laying on the ground.

Speaker ANo, just kidding.

AlexSee, now you have to keep this picture, Max, and then whenever you're late to something. Oh, text him the picture. Text him the picture. Yeah, just text somebody and be like, sorry, got hit by a car.

Speaker AText him a picture of yourself laying on the ground. Wait, wait, the text should be, uh-oh, got hit by a car. Oh, nuts. freaking dang I got hit

Maxam I right? so here's the picture one of the bystanders sent me so look so so see the skateboard is like

Speaker Aoh no you're sitting on the ground in this picture

Maxoh my god

Speaker Byou have to put these in show notes or something please can we put these on the Patreon

Maxcan we put this in the Patreon please listen everybody I know that you want to see the pictures of me getting hit by a car and here's the thing is you have money and we want your money and you can go to GiveUsYourFuckMoney.com. You can become a $5 member of the Dubai Friday Patreon.

What is it? Jen zooms. Oh, my God. Let me see. Jen zoomed all the way into my face.

Speaker AI'm sorry.

MaxI'm sitting on the curb. I'm hurt.

Speaker AI know. You look like someone who just got hit by a car.

MaxThat's what happens.

Speaker AIt's very sad, actually. It's kind of breaking my heart. It's very sad. Okay, you know my trick for becoming unmad at people is to imagine them eating an ice cream cone alone in a mall?

AlexThat's also going to help.

Speaker BThe two bystanders just looking down at you. It's quite endearing, actually.

Speaker AI think Max is ready to move on from all of us laughing at him. I feel like now we're bullying.

MaxI'm actually not mad at the guy. I'm not mad at the guy. I'm more mad. There are people who have not invited me on their comedy games panel at conventions that I've gone to, and I'm actually more mad at them than I am at the guy who hit me with his car. That's fair. Because they knew what they were doing.

Speaker AYeah. I think you got your priorities all figured out. I'm just saying.

MaxThis is totally a normal. I have some of those grudges of how you didn't invite me to some panel that I should have been on. But you hate going on panels. Yeah. Yeah, but I want to say no. You want to be invited. Yeah, you need to invite. Yeah. Yeah, I want to say.

Speaker Awant to go to parties. I want to be invited to the party. I mean, I wasn't on the TKO panel and it doesn't bother me. We had someone drop. You should have. Wow, that was good to know. I mean, it's not like I was there. Oh, wait, I was there. I was. Were you really?

AlexWere you there that day? Are you fucking kidding me? I was taking

Speaker Apictures of the thing for you fools. Oh, yeah. Now you know

Alexhow I feel every single day. Thank you for your service.

Speaker AOh, Alex is there. Alex, you are the star

Maxof a podcast with Max Duncan and Merlin, man. Alex, where were you during Situita?

AlexI didn't see you at all. Everyone, everyone go home. Alex, for the record. Everyone, go home. Let's go to bed.

Speaker BReally, though, we should.

AlexWait a minute. Kevin and I should actually be asleep right now.

MaxCan I finish this ad read, please? Yes. Finish this ad read. So you go join the Dubai Friday Patreon. It's giveusyourfuckingmoney.com. You give us $5 a month. You get the exclusive after show, where this week we will be joined by the boys from Loading Ready Run. what do you think the crossover audience of Dubai Friday and Loading Ready Run is?

AlexOur friend Ian who is in Loading Ready Run but will not be here. I think it's one guy. Seemingly pretty significant.

MaxIan, you better become a $5 member, man. This is content just for you, buddy. But I think Graham and Beej from Loading Ready Run will be joining us in the after show and we will post the pictures of me getting hit by a car and looking real sad sitting on the sidewalk. And you can have that for the low price of $5.

Speaker AYou're making your home screen. Can you text me that? Yes, thank you. I just need that.

AlexPlease do, because I just realized we'll never get it unless someone else has it. You really do look like a lost child.

Speaker AYou look like you're lost at a mall. Has anyone seen my mom?

MaxIn my defense, I just was hit by a car. Look at my skateboard is right under the car. Yeah. Is the scoot skating? Yeah. Okay.

AlexOh, good. All right.

MaxIt's fine. Yeah, the skateboard is unscathed. Good. Yeah. Well, thanks, Boosted.

AlexOh, wow.

MaxYeah. All right, I have the picture. Thank you. Wow, look at the car. I don't know if you can see the hood of the car. This is a picture. It is dinged up. It's all fucked up. Yeah, it's real bad. Oh, yeah. So I went over it this way.

AlexDid he ask you if you had insurance? No. Like, what happens if I've been in one? No.

Speaker AOh, God.

AlexI have been in two car accidents in which it's 100.

Speaker AOh, no, Jed, what are you doing? Just looking at it. Oh, okay.

Speaker BIt looks kind of like the guy in that gif that... It's like the woodsman, like the frontiersman, and he gives a thumbs up or whatever. Actually, no one reminds me of the Ikea monkey.

AlexOh, my God!

Speaker BWhat the fuck is the Ikea monkey? It has big Ikea monkey vibes. Yeah, same energy.

AlexYou don't know what the Ikea monkey is. No, I'm looking it up right now. How do you not know this? I don't know. Jesus, Alex. Wait, is it in a coat? Yes. Yeah.

Speaker BIt's a little capuchin monkey in a coat. What? Same energy.

AlexLook. Big IKEA energy.

Speaker BOh, boy. That was my challenge. It was a very challenging challenge. What did you guys get hit by?

MaxChallenge, get hit by a car.

AlexOh, boy. Dig Dug, it was actually Jen's challenge this week. Yeah. I did go for a walk. I kind of cheated because I go for a walk with my dog every day. Start from the beginning as if no one's heard the after show. Oh, OK. Oh, yeah. That felt good. That felt so good. I made the challenge.

Speaker AI don't know what I'm supposed to be. I don't know what you're saying.

AlexExplain what the challenge is. The challenge was go for a walk. And why did you choose this challenge? Because I go for a walk with my dog almost every day. Got you, fuckers.

Speaker AMavvy, my Labrador, does this cute thing where I'm, like, walking around the sidewalk. And, you know, spring is here coming, sort of. So people are, like, some people have their, like, the shops on our street sort of have their doors open. And Mavvy does this cute thing where she just, like, will turn and start to enter a store. As if she was just like, oh, I saw that blouse in the window. Oh, is that on sale?

Speaker BOh, it's important to small businesses. She's special. It's so important to shop local. Shop small.

Speaker AShe knows which shops in our neighborhood have treats. Some people leave out treats for dogs. Oh, she's so smart. Yeah. She just remembers this stuff.

Speaker BWow.

Speaker AI know. I know. I'm so impressed by her ability to remember something.

Speaker BJavi, are you dizzy?

Speaker AWho's the president? Yeah, yeah. She probably thinks I'm the president, which is pretty cool.

Speaker BYeah.

Speaker APretty dope. There's a coffee shop in our neighborhood called Pilates and Coffee, which it's better than its name. Better than its name. And they let dogs inside, and they give them Puppuccinos, which is just a little cup of whipped cream. Mavvy sticks a little face in it and gets it over her nose, and then she licks her nose. I know. So now Mavvy drags my ass toward the Puppuccino store. She's a smarty.

AlexI just want to say.

Speaker ADo you always pick up the poop every time?

MaxEvery time. Yes. What the fuck? If I had a dog, well, I don't have a dog, but if I did, so don't get mad at me already. We know what hypotheticals are. If I did have a dog, I probably would never pick up the poop. What? Only if someone was watching me. A lot of people are like that. Yeah. What? Wait, really? I don't want to pick the poop up. I always do. It's too gross. I just want to clarify that this is why I don't own a dog.

Speaker BYeah. I mean, you're doing the responsible thing by not owning a dog.

MaxBut if I did have a dog, I would let it ship wherever. I don't care. It's not my problem. You recognized your poor behavior. and you've pre-corrected. You know what? Good job. I'm not going to bend over and pick up a little thing of poop all the time. I'm not going to touch poop.

AlexThere's bending down. Oh, God. I just realized you have the cat robot so you never have touched animal shit. Have you ever touched animal shit in your life? You have to empty the robot. But do you touch it?

MaxEmpty the robot. Do I touch it with my hands? Yes. How do you empty the litter box?

AlexOkay, so...

Speaker BAlex crawls around in there.

AlexYeah. I just want to make sure clean, Kevin. You've got to take the turn.

MaxYou've got to turn that with your mouth. It's imprinting. You drop them one by one into the garbage.

AlexYou just got to do a scoop.

MaxDo you pick them out like raisins in the trail mix? Okay. Set them aside. All right.

AlexSo, no, I put a bag over my hand and then pick it up that way because sometimes- Don't you use a scooper? You got a scooper. There is a scooper.

Speaker BI've emptied your litter box before.

AlexBut have you noticed there's very different consistencies between the two animals? Yes. So rather than having to clean shit off of the scoop, I just get my hand- because then I just wash my hands afterwards rather than having to wash shit off of the little scoopy.

Speaker BThat is maybe one of the most frustrating things about doing the scoopy is if you get the scoopy right in the center of a big wet cat leaving, then it gets all over the scoopy. And the scoopy has little tiny holes and things in it. It's got little spikes on it. Yeah, yeah, no. It's very hard to clean.

AlexYeah, I stand by my method. It's fine. Kevin, did you go for a walk this week?

Speaker BInadvertently, I went for a walk all over the Greater McCormick Place Convention Center.

Speaker AI've read that that's based on how many square feet, the biggest building in the world.

Speaker BYeah, it's huge. I think it is the biggest. Yeah, it's unreal. It has four giant conventionals.

Speaker AThere's always a car show going on.

Speaker BYou can have three or four different full-on conventions or trade shows that are happening at the same time.

AlexI have snuck into various conventions almost every year.

Speaker BWhich, considering how many conventions could be going on at any given moment, the security there could be tighter. Yeah.

Speaker AI mean, we did have to go through metal detectors every time we came in and out. Not if you used a certain elevator. Not if you used a certain elevator, though.

Speaker BNot if you used the lobby elevator to the fourth floor.

AlexI'm trying to... How many steps?

Speaker BOh, step tracking? I, via my Pokemon Go app.

AlexOh, okay. So that's a great idea.

Speaker BCan figure out how many kilometers I walked.

AlexYeah.

Speaker BWhile we were there.

AlexI took 30,000 steps a day. Damn. Or wait, 20,000.

Speaker ASorry. I took 30,000 and 10. Oh, my God. Can I tell you guys about my idea for a Kickstarter project? Yes, please. Okay, listen. You know how people that run marathons put stickers on their car that say 26.2? No, but now I do. You've never seen a 26.2 sticker? Yeah, you have.

MaxOkay, here's my idea. Is this one of those things of now that I've heard about it, I'm going to see it everywhere? Yes. It's 26.2. What is it?

Speaker AWhat's 26.2? The marathon. The distance of a marathon.

Max26.2 what? Miles. You can't run that much.

Speaker AYeah, you can. It's never been done. And there's also half marathon stickers. Have you ever run that much? I've not run a marathon, no. So it's impossible. I want to make stickers that say 26.3.

Don't you think people would be mad? You know what Peter Sagal would be into that?

AlexVery good.

MaxYou should talk to Peter Sagal about that. I don't need Peter Sagal to do this.

AlexYeah, what was that? What was that transition? Hold on. Because he's a runner. He's a runner.

MaxHe writes about running stuff, and he likes his weird running humor. I mean, I'm a runner, too.

AlexI just don't run nearly as much.

MaxYou run?

AlexIt's easy. Where? Easy there in a gym where there's air conditioning and a soft treadmill. That counts. That's running.

Speaker BThat's running. Yeah. I don't do that. It doesn't have to be field running.

AlexYeah. It hurts. I don't like it. Outside hurts.

Speaker BI have my how many steps I walked. Thursday through Sunday. Let's see. I walked 10,000 steps on Thursday. This is a rough estimate. 15,000 steps on Friday.

11,000 on Saturday. Do I just have a way shorter gait than you? 9,000 on. Yeah. I mean, I have very long legs. Alex, are you two-stepping?

Speaker AI'm doing the John Mulaney where I'm just walking wrong. You're like in a marching band. You know how they take huge high knee steps?

AlexFour.

Speaker BFour.

AlexOh, well. Six.

Speaker BThat's eight. What's eight plus six plus four?

AlexWait, no. Fourteen. Jesus.

Speaker BEighteen. I walked 18 miles this weekend. Oh, OK.

AlexThat's almost a marathon. Yeah. Yeah.

Speaker BCan I get a sticker?

Speaker AThere's a joke in the office where Andy Bernard is like, yeah, I've walked two marathons.

Alexthat's not even that kind of a joke i know but when jed says it it's way funnier i probably

Maxwalked i probably walked what is it 23.2 26.2 26.2 i probably walked that many miles in a whole weekend of packs i could see that because you do like nine miles a day at packs

Alexyeah yeah i remember looking at your thing yeah because we that's sick to me and packs is four days versus yeah yeah and then is this packs this weekend four days too yes yeah they made them all

Maxfour days now it's just never stops and then there's like another money and they just keep

Speaker Ajust they just keep happening every year like uh-huh one just happened and we're just going

Maxto keep doing them i guess yeah they keep adding more yeah yeah it's nice to be out we're kind of out of the pack circuit which is which is pretty nice honestly except kevin and i yeah they're

Alexgoing at Alex Cox at knitted sweater uh come say hi it's it's gonna be fun um Boston's terrible but the rest I don't mind I don't mind Boston their roads were made from cows what part of

MaxPenny Arcade are you most excited to see in person oh my god are you gonna get the merch

Speaker BI'm gonna totally reference that webcomic right now

AlexI'm not enjoying having so many people in the studio Because I still can't look anybody in the eye But I'm just like rotating on my chair And it's very strange I like to do this

Speaker BYeah, scooting back and forth

AlexYeah, I do it anyway while we're recording But I can just do it like You've got like little

Speaker BKindergartner I have to pee energy

MaxOh, you know what else was funny? Did it happen this week? This is not It's a non sequitur I just remembered it So I went and did a podcast with Adam Savage and we took these pictures together because we both have ruler tattoos. And you guys know Adam's office or have you seen his builds he does on YouTube where he makes crazy contraptions and things?

AlexI have been there about four times. Oh, cool. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker AOkay, well, I feel officially stupid.

AlexI just went to Jeff Probst too, just the other night because, you know. Last night. He blew Alex out. Okay, no, I want to hear about the tattoos.

MaxSo we posted this picture of me and Adam comparing our tattoos and I got like a hundred comments of people and okay so in the background of the photo there's like a pool table and for whatever reason Adam had all of his prop replica guns on there and so it's like the Hellboy gun there was like yeah there was like a phaser there was like the Han Solo pistol like to me I don't really know almost anything about guns but to me like they're plainly like sci-fi toys

like they look like like crazy contraptions and we put and I posted the picture on Instagram and on Twitter and I got like a hundred people who were like what's with the guns man what's with all the guns what's with all the guns they thought we were at like a shooting range like it was so weird and people were so got mad at me they're like why are you hanging out with all these guns like if you're gonna bother if you're gonna zoom in on the photo and yell at me about something like at least look at that it's a wacky sci-fi blaster

Speaker Aoh my god there's like a photo there's like a

MaxR2D2 I know R2D2 in this photo I know

Alexthere's so many things

Maxto zoom in on. There's a small mannequin child. Are you on my Twitter? Yeah, I'm looking at it. Look how many replies are like, look, what's up with the guns?

AlexLike, it's crazy. What's wrong with people? They're next to gigantic action figures. This is very strange.

MaxThis is super weird. It's like a weird, it's like the worst, it's like Merlin's worst fear, right? Because they zoomed me. But then they didn't even look at the context. They weren't even curious about the broader thing. That's the fear, though. I get Merlin's coming from. They're like, what can I nitpick on? but they weren't actually like if people are interested in the photo and you want to zoom in

Alexand look that's fine there's some cool shit yeah that oh and and like i am a person who is terrified of guns like at at c2e2 there were many many not sci-fi guns because pub g and apex led what is it kevin apex legends yeah yeah like so sure they have the little orange tip but i'm like oh god oh god every time because you could just paint orange on the top of a real gun i mean and as Someone who never went through security the entire weekend. It just made me a little nervous. But these guys, these are toys.

MaxWhat were we talking about the other night? Yeah, it was very funny. So they do have security. You're supposed to go through these stanchions, and you go through a little rope line, and there's metal detectors. And in theory, it prohibits you from bringing a huge gun into C2E2. But literally every time I went into the convention center, one of the stanchions was down, and I would just look around, and I would walk through. And even though there's security guards, no one stopped me. They were all just like, oh, I don't know, I guess he's supposed to be doing that. And someone was like, all the guards at C2E2, they all have a sight radius. They're from Zelda.

And if you're just outside of it, they can't perceive you.

Speaker BThis was Tom's realization at the end of the weekend. The guards at McCormick Place are just video game security guards. They're just NPCs?

MaxYeah, you just throw a banana and they all turn to look at it. You can walk through it.

Speaker AA little exclamation point. You throw a glass bottle.

MaxA lot level is high. Jump into a trash can.

Speaker BFive stars. Better get under your cardboard box.

Alex, did you go on a walk today? or did you go on a walk this week did you get hit by a car did you get hit by anything no i've never

Alexbeen hit by car i've hit other cars with my car but i was not i used to have this like fleeting

Speaker Athought in college when when i was i was maybe trigger warning content warning this i would think like if i get hit by this bus i don't have to turn this paper in oh everybody's had that thought yeah or i don't have to go take my final tomorrow if i throw myself in front of this bus

Alexeveryone's had the also i've i've had this too where i'm like oh maybe if this relative i don't like dies we won't have to go to their christmas party anymore i think that's worse that's almost

Speaker Athe opposite of what jim was saying possibly everyone's i'm just reading max's menchies right now wait this guy's a do by friday listener so i don't know if you want to i don't care okay so okay good i hope he hears it yeah this was another thing okay here we go this is some

MaxTwitter drama that I'll describe on the radio. So he, so I put these little free libraries up on the Bloomingdale trail. I've talked about it before on the podcast, but this is this, like, it's kind of like the Highline in New York, but it's like the Chicago version. And I'm very involved with this and I'm on the board of Friends of the Bloomingdale trail. And I'm at the, I have just reached the end of a more or less two year campaign to get these little free libraries up on the trail. And this, we had all these issues we had to navigate from the city where they were like, at one point the city was like, someone from the city was like, well what if someone puts child pornography

in the Little Free Library like then what and I'm like well my first thought was like well my first thought was like I don't think child pornography is disseminated in printed form like I don't think anyone's like printing it I think it's mostly like you download Tor and you go on the dark web but uh

Speaker Asounds like you know a lot about child porn this guy's in charge of our Little Free Libraries

MaxI know that much I know that much

Speaker Aremember when I tried to use Melissa's computer to go on the dark web why remember we were about to do a panel we uh she remember we were at the school business and Max was like whispering in my ear go on the dark web

Alexdon't love the tour browser go on the dark web and I was like okay yeah okay did she like burn her computer afterwards I cannot imagine we didn't

Maxactually do this we did not access oh that's disappointing we were just doing I just thought about it. No, we did not go to childpornography.onion on the Tor browser.

Speaker AThat reminds me of that tweet that's like not involved in human traffic.

Speaker BMy not involved in human trafficking shirt is making people ask a lot of questions already answered by my shirt.

MaxOkay, so I put these little free libraries up on the trail, and I was feeling good about myself. I mean, you know, my bad for feeling any joy or satisfaction at all, reaching the end of this two-year journey to put these little things up. and I post a picture and I was like hey they're up like check it out and then this dude this don't say his name don't say his name don't dox him I wasn't going to say it

Alexjust say his address yeah just give out his phone number

Maxso this dude goes this dude goes hey these libraries are awesome but do they oh do they come with a little librarian in them because if not they're just a box with books and I and I was like oh my god I was like oh my god like twitter

Speaker Ahello I'm your librarian actually they do come with a little librarian it's me and a librarian he also doesn't know I've been assigned to work in this library in the park the doing decimal system let me know what I can help you with don't put mutual pornography in here

MaxI was like I can't believe this guy is mad at me I'll stop you I can't believe he's mad at me he's like taking it out he's like here's my moment I got to sap all the joy from this. So my first thing I was like, well, you know, thanks. As you know, I came up with the name Little Free Library and I invented this whole program. So I'll definitely take your comments under advisement because I was like, well, I didn't call them that. Like someone else did. Get mad at them.

Speaker BYeah, we should start conscripting pixies into service for us.

MaxHello. Hello. And then I realized like also like what the fuck is he doing? Like this is his life. It's like he waits for someone to like put a Little Free Library up. is he like, he's like searching the hashtag Little Free Library or something and then he's like, and then you see someone put someone up and they feel good and they're like, check this out. I did this cool thing for the neighborhood and then he's like,

Speaker Aum, actually.

MaxSo I was like, hey man, I'm sure you don't get this a lot but thanks for putting me in my place. You know, I was feeling pretty good about putting an enormous amount of work into this and it's really nice to be reminded that it sucks and I'm bad.

AlexThis guy has to be like a librarian or something. He is. I looked him up.

Speaker AHe's involved. By looked him up, I mean I clicked on his name

Alexlooked at his bio yeah good oh yeah yeah yeah like but the thing is boxes with books are still great

Speaker Afree boxes like well i think it's shaped like a little house i have i have heard that librarians are a little sensitive about them but um wait how deep does this go i don't think it's like a huge

Alexcontroversy i just have a librarian friend who but sort of they're taking our jobs like yeah that's like i don't go to library like i go to libraries because there are amazing services not to take a free book and they're buildings you can go inside they're an amazing resource you should

Speaker Ahave built a real library what's the matter with you what this library is neither little nor free max i think what we're getting at is you should care about this and not that

Maxit's like you know i feel the same way of like it's like all these like blue collar like factory workers they lose their jobs and their lives are shitty and then they're like you know what we should do is like get mad at immigrants because like we can fight over these breadcrumbs and it's like the immigrants are taking the crust out of my mouth right like I get it that it's hard for libraries out there like I I'm I have done work with the ALA and I've raised money for libraries and I care passionately about it but like is your beef really with little free libraries is that the thing that's doing it or you know it's like is that who's taking your your lunch well when I see

Speaker Aa little free library I always think never going to library again yeah yeah I probably got everything

Speaker BI need right here. This doesn't have internet or a bathroom. I don't need that.

MaxIsn't there anything to do with your time? Like, let's say that your single thing in life is preserving libraries over all else and that you're just on Twitter to like scold people who do anything that's not pro-library. Like, isn't there anyone who's hurting libraries more than me by putting these up?

AlexI mean... Amazon.com? The thing is, I get a little satisfaction seeing... Because Max is famous enough where you are a man who gets reply guys every single time. Every time. I know. It's never good.

Speaker BIt's never good enough. It's not a beef. Here's a fun thing for me to engage with someone who I think I have a funny joke that I can tag onto.

Speaker AHe also replied and said, I'm sorry. I love you or something. Yeah, he said, I'm sorry.

MaxI hope your day got a little bit better, which is funny because I was subsequently hit by a car.

Speaker BHa ha ha!

Show notes

Transcript

125. Uh Oh!

Show notes

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