97. Are the Magicians Here?

AlexThis is Do By Friday, a weekly challenge podcast with Merlin Mann, Alex Cox and Max Temkin. This week's challenge, eat some pho.

MerlinChanging inputs, toilet, toilets draining. Oh, God, this is loud. Okay. Okay. Hi. Hi. Hi. Hi. Are we loud? No, you guys are always good. You're always ready.

AlexOh, yep, yep, yep, yep.

MerlinToilet just keeps running, doesn't it?

AlexWhat?

MerlinMust have had some dirty, dirty work to do.

AlexHow are you feeling today, Merlin?

MerlinI'm fine. How are you?

AlexMy car got broken into. But other than that, it's, well, broken into is a strong word for someone who opens the door and takes everything when the car's unlocked. but people might remember the classic do by friday character blue lives matter got blue lives matter guy because he's the one who uh previously was like oh you guys didn't you left your garage door open up up you need to pay me back for my two thousand dollar bike but we're like we're pretty sure we didn't leave the garage door open two thousand dollars is a lot for a bike there was

no fucking way that bike was a thousand dollars we saw it every day uh that's okay insurance covered it but again again oh oh all of the doors of the garage are closed uh but but the most upsetting thing is they took my i i had purchased an airport express um the apple product that talks to my all my devices i'm not fancy enough for an euro so uh if you do you use that use that for extender and for speakers for just an extender i don't know what that means i'm sorry um you're

talking about the little square dingus the little wi-fi router yeah dingus yeah yeah yeah right right right yeah you use it to extend your wi-fi no it i just use it for my wi-fi that's you use it for your wi-fi wait is that not should i not be doing that alexandra no put a put a fork in it

MerlinWe'll talk about it later. I want you to speak your truth.

AlexOkay.

MerlinWhen did you discover your car got broken into?

AlexThis morning. This very morning as we record this. But I'm on time.

MerlinI'm not. My toilet's still running. I haven't got my coffee. I'm getting it right here.

MaxI did a pour over. Getting a coffee.

MerlinSo let's interrogate this. Now, you have a garage. I do. It is a garage with a door. Three doors, in fact.

Alexwere there any signs of tampering or break-in no other than all of the cars in the garage being uh having open door well one was smashed but it wasn't our car do you think it's an inside job no no well by if by inside job you mean the bored teenagers in the apartments near us that's probably what that's probably what i mean yeah yeah

MerlinBored teenagers. Jesus, this sucks.

AlexDo you fear when your child becomes a teenager? Aside from the fact that she won't like you anymore.

MerlinThat's what I fear.

AlexOkay.

MerlinNo, she's on her own. I don't care. Whatever. She'll become a hellion. I don't know. I don't even know what to be scared of. It's hard to know what to be scared of. It's comforting to think you know what to be scared of. but part of the way life gets you is that uh they find life finds a way is uh is that the way nature finds a way dinosaurs find a way what do you say what's the phrase i think so teenagers

Alexfind a way daughters find a way to hate their fathers how's your relationship as it stands

Merlinthese days with blue lives matter guy he he smokes you keep to yourselves mostly um well he

Alexallegedly he possibly could smoke a lot of marijuana on our deck and offers it to us and we're like, no, we don't want your... Is he an active cop? No, we don't.

MerlinHe just cares about the blue line.

AlexSo we are pretty sure he is either an ex-Marine or...

MerlinThere's no such thing as an ex-Marine.

AlexOh, yeah, you're right.

MerlinYou're right.

AlexWell, that's why...

MerlinTell it to Bob Mueller.

AlexDon't want to... It's Mueller time.

MerlinIt's Mueller time.

AlexOh, God. My favorite thing is that he... Have you ever, do you, don't want to give up the op sec, but have you ever had a garage or been in a garage?

MerlinYeah, I've been in a garage. I've been in, I've been in at least 39 garages.

AlexOkay. Yeah. So, so are you familiar?

MerlinI've been in lots of different kinds of garage. I've been open garage, closed garage. In England, they call it a car park.

AlexHave you, oh, have you played a guitar in a garage?

MerlinOh, shit dog. I recorded a video about steampunk eyeglasses in a garage.

AlexWas that a garage? It's a garage.

MerlinOh. Don't be creepy.

AlexWhat's the difference between a garage and a shed? I made an assumption that was a shed. I don't know. It's like a bag versus a sack.

MerlinA shed. Now, a shed. Now, there's one they use where my wife is from back in Rhode Island. They call it the shop. And that's where you go and you drink Narragansett and talk about boobs in cars and stuff. You can say you're going out to the shop. I don't know. I don't know. So we, for OPSEC reasons, are in a very safe neighborhood. I think I mentioned to you, for just geographical reasons, we're very close to a police station. And so there's rows and rows of San Francisco Police Department cars chock-a-block with our own.

So I think that partly discourages. That puts a little bit of squelch on the break-ins. But San Francisco's got a giant break-in problem. And anyway, it's not very interesting. But do you feel, I remember thinking when I was a little kid or even when I was a young adult, I remember having this terrible fear of the personal violation of having something broken into. I don't feel that as much today. Weirdly enough, I don't think it would bother me as much today. It's just stuff. But do you feel violated when they take your Airport Express?

AlexReally, Apple is the villain here. But no.

MerlinThey stopped making good routers.

AlexYeah. Well, apparently they were never good, and I shouldn't have used them, right? That's what you said. They were never, ever good.

MerlinIs that what I said? Yeah, I think that's what you said. Do you leave your Wi-Fi access point in the car all the time, or do you ever plug it in and use it for internet? This is where I store this.

AlexIt's like a turkey baster. You put it where you need it. This was an important part of this. Okay, okay. Classic Alex story that I did not mention.

MerlinAre you a targeted individual? Are you worried about Wi-Fi?

Alexdo you think you might be getting gang stalked the airport express was one that i had recently purchased before that they ran out of the apples at the apple store and it was still boxed in my car oh no that is a replacement air express it it uh yeah yeah i have i have two used and i was like i'll just i'll just pick up an uh a big oh no it was one of the tall boys that does time machine because I used to use Time Machine like a monster.

MerlinWell, I have that at my office. At home, I've got the Eero set up. But yeah, I've got one of those at work for Time Machine, which I think works. I test it sometimes. I need to test it in advance of Mojave. But you know what's weird? There was a time when I thought, there's no way I'll ever be able to use anything but an Apple dingus because I need to get to my printer and back to my Mac-do-do-do-do. I use that a lot. And now I just run screens on the apps that I need or the computers that I need to get to.

And no, I mean, I don't know. I don't know. You know, you taught me something today. I did not know you could use an Airport Express as a standalone AP. I did not know that.

AlexOh, yeah, yeah, yeah. That's cool. It's, yeah, I enjoy it quite a bit.

MerlinDo you get the different bands?

AlexI don't know what that, oh, no, but.

MerlinIt's all like probably G.

AlexYeah.

MerlinG and B.

AlexI don't know what D is. I just know we have G.

MerlinG is in God and D is in Bupkus.

AlexI'm unfamiliar with the letters D.

MerlinYou don't get N as in Nathan.

AlexNo, no, no. But it's a very small radius that it has to cover. So it's fine. It's fine.

MerlinYou got renter's insurance.

AlexI do.

MerlinThat's smart.

AlexThat seems like, as you would say, a jam up. The only time I've used it was to pay for an ex, or I'm sorry, current but pot smoking Marines bike.

MerlinOh, the retired Marine.

AlexYes, yes.

MerlinYou never ask him about it. It seems like people who have been Marines seem like they want to talk about it.

AlexYou're right.

MerlinDo you think he's stealing valor, Alex?

AlexWell, that's the thing. Can't you, if you have, oh God, what if someone died? I bet he had someone who died. Like there's flags everywhere. Does he have any tattoos? He does, but I don't know what the, they don't look like army tattoos. I've never seen him. He was not in the Army.

MerlinHe was in the Marines.

AlexGod damn it.

MerlinJesus. Is there an anchor? What about a plane? Was there a plane? This is from NASA. Sir, this is a NASA tattoo.

Space Force.

AlexOh, God. Oh, I wonder. Okay, hold on.

MerlinShould we save the Elon Musk stuff for when Max arrives?

AlexOh, yes. We should say Max is at a city council. It doesn't matter where Max is.

MerlinWhat matters is he's not here while we're recording.

Alexdon't don't don't don't valorize him no no no no no no i well i was going to drag him because um a meeting he was going to got canceled uh and i think he's at breakfast right now good for him have a little breakfast uh do you eat breakfast we've never talked about your breakfast situation

Merlinno i'm really glad you asked i have a very strange i'm sorry i have a very strange way of eating i shove it in my ears who are you talking to merlin read the room i have a strange way i am very wired around the idea of meals i am not a snacker i'm opposed to snacking it bugs me i don't like snacking um and so in the morning as you know uh we record on wednesdays and so i listened to

a Slate Culture Gab Fest. I drive my daughter off at school. I try to keep a distance away from her so I don't embarrass her. And then I come home, I'm listening to Slate Culture Gab Fest, and I'll sometimes have some boar's head pepperoni. That's my Wednesday go-to morning meal. But no, I don't. I don't. If I could, if somebody could produce for me either a spicy chicken sandwich or an easy eggy breakfast, I would eat it more often. Now, I have a trick for microwaving eggs to a delicious poachedness, but I rarely remember to do it.

AlexWait.

MerlinI'm guessing you eat like a Cheerio type breakfast.

AlexIt depends. I will either have a, more often than not, it is a tablespoon of peanut butter. So I have a serving of peanut butter.

MerlinRight out of the container?

AlexI mean, that's the most efficient way.

MerlinDo you decant it into a separate thing like a ramekin? Or do you just, like you did, or do you just stick your face right in it?

AlexI mean, if the container is a spoon, then yes. You know what, really, you've opened my eye out.

MerlinYou hug your wife seven times. Have a nice day. Hope the car's okay. It's just another morning in Chicago town.

Alexyou you told me to talk about something that i'm uh excited about and i was like people like you

Merlinalex they like it because i interrupt you um please stop doing please stop interrupting alex especially max i know i know it's a big problem people love people love your personality your enthusiasm, your laughter. I like it when you're happy. I'm not trying to be normative. I'm not

Alextrying to tell you to be happy. I'm not telling you. I don't identify as happy, Merlin. Why don't

Merlinyou smile more? Why don't I talk less and you smile more? Oh, God. Don't let them know that

Alexyou've been sticking your face in peanut butter before. I just thought you seem like you're very

Merlinexcited. You got your with with Matthew, Richard, Don Corleone, and Casolini. You're doing a lot of automation things. You seem like you're very interested in what's happening with iOS 12

Alexand automation. You seem genuinely excited about it. Oh yeah. Me and Michael Corleone have a new show and it is, I'm, I am. It's called Computer Town. Yeah. Computertown.net. And I am genuinely very, very excited about iOS 12. And it's strange to be, well, strange in a good way, but I can't remember the last time I was more excited about software than hardware and I am just very pleased about that especially from the big fruit company yeah when they when they get it right they really

Merlinget it right this is this has been a good one from the stability of the betas over the past few months like there was one that they fixed quickly that was kind of a shit show but but it has been from the I was on from I think beta 2 developer beta 2 and uh it's been a champ uh it's been real real good like the worst thing you get is like becomes a little unresponsive sometimes settings

Alexcrashes but like apart from that it's been really solid the only problem i encountered was an occasional springboard crash maybe once a week but that happened way more on ios 11 so really i was

Merlinlike it's pretty exciting because like fairly early on i don't remember when they introduced the thing. I have a terrible memory for these kinds of things, but they introduced the thing where you could go to settings, click on Siri, and you could see suggested things you can do with Apple apps to do automation things. And then, I don't know, what, three or so betas ago, they introduced the shortcuts app, which was basically a workflow. So all of your workflow

Alexstuff was in shortcuts. Mine got wiped out. Really? Yeah, I don't know what happened.

MerlinI have a bunch called untitled something, like where I never finished making it. I got confused and just stopped.

AlexWell, that's the thing. I pulled out with workflow because I thought it was going to go away.

MerlinIt's the Catholic way. They call it the rhythm method. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. So we're not – it's early here. Max is coming. Oh, yeah. So did you delete your profile and get off the beta? Is that what happened?

AlexIs that what you meant? No, I didn't. I was never on the shortcuts beta. so i updated from workflow to shortcuts and then oh i see bye bye uh did you listen to the new so but but what i'm very really excited about is the the new hatred of the internet that's sweeping the nature nation and i'm always shocked when people are like oh man oh no do you buy friday is an idea uh and i can't i still can't accept that people enjoy um the words that come out of my

Merlinmouth so you want shortcuts shortcuts shortcuts to workflow to the internet is angry to our show's not out yep yep no might need a little bit of interstitial tissue to wire that together for me

Alexbut it's it's i'm that way i'm that way my bim bam doesn't come out on mondays much anymore and it makes me angry that's part of my monday workflow oh it comes out on tuesday i'm all

Merlinsad what am i gonna do complain about it where would i complain uh the discord

Alexgo to the discord hey merlin logged in cool oh you're in the so you're not in the bim bam fan

Merlinfacebook group yeah you're missing out something i would need in order to do that that i don't have uh no i have no interest in that fan community i just like this show nope hard hard pass on those Um, Justin had his vasectomy.

AlexOh.

MerlinStill wearing the jockstrap. He went to a water park.

AlexOh, I haven't heard. No spoilers, no spoilers. God.

MerlinI like it when people want the show out. It makes me happy. It makes me happy. I surreptitiously upload whenever I can. I upload. This is a very well-known secret among the 11 people who enjoy my programs. wherever I can as soon as I get what I knew to be the final version I upload it where true

Alexbelievers can find it if they want to oh I see I see and you I still don't know where that is I'm sure it's a situation on another website well I'm not like that fancy maximum uh fun place I

Merlindon't have like some special jive and crazy names you can iterate the uh numbers for the episodes and just go download them. You can even have a little script that does it.

AlexOh. And I encourage people to do it.

MerlinI think that's a wonderful thing. You could do a shortcut. I need to learn more about what to do with shortcuts. We're getting off topic. Max is going to be here soon and be yelling. Tell me what you're, what do you, like, I can, maybe should we look at what we've made so far? Well, no. Okay. I'm clicking. I go to settings. I go to Siri and search and I could see the nine shortcuts that I have made for myself.

AlexOh, I have made very few. What? I will take. Well, because I'm learning. I don't want to. I, you know, I don't. It's like starting. I assume.

MerlinYou want to learn how to do it right before you dick around with it.

AlexYeah, it's like going to an orgy for the first time with like a robe and a giant like tank of lube. You just got to go and watch first.

MerlinYou don't want to seem too thirsty.

AlexNo, exactly.

MerlinYou think it's off-putting when you go to an orgy like that?

AlexI can only, it makes it sound like I've been to an orgy when I say I can only assume I haven't been to an orgy. But there's a little part of me where I'm like, hmm, huh. I'm just, or.

MerlinBring a small thing a loop.

AlexExactly. A personal size. Or a towel instead of a robe, maybe help clean up afterwards. Tiny, tiny towel. Oh, gosh. Well, it's like cleaning up after a party, right?

MerlinI don't know if I'd want to clean up after that party.

AlexI mean, if you're the one who made the mess.

MerlinIs that what they do when you go to an orchard? If you could say OPSEC, do they put down a tarp? Are there like round beds? Do you get on a round? I know everybody's wearing a bathrobe. And then there's a bowl full of car keys because you have to drive to be able to get to it. And then do you put a tarp down?

AlexI can only imagine that it's like a sexy leather tarp or something, you know? Because you can't have one of those tarps that looks like one of your special Ikea bags. You know, there's like a big blue.

MerlinWhat do you know about my Ikea bags?

AlexYou've talked about, Max. I love Ikea bags. Max, there's a chair out for you. There's headphones down. It's all prepared. So you're wearing a bathrobe. Your keys are in a bowl.

MaxYou're wearing a bathrobe, yes. You've got a sexy leather tarp. I've sat in the other chair for like two years. I can't just change.

AlexI know, but with these mics, it's great because they're so directional that like directly across, there's no bleed. It's wonderful. And editing is way easier.

MerlinHow do you know when it's time to move from light socialization and white wine spritzers to boning down? Is it boning down? Is it just petting? How do you know when it's time for Orgy's time? What did I walk into? Oh, Alex is telling me how orgies work.

AlexUh-huh, uh-huh. What?

MerlinWhy do you know how orgies work? Opsec.

AlexWell, here's the thing, too. I wonder if, you know, I'm definitely part of the-

MaxOrgies aren't real, are they?

AlexWell, that's what I was wondering now.

MaxI think it's like a chupacabra.

AlexYeah, what if a bunch of cool people are just like, you know, we're going to say-

MerlinOh, you think it's middle-class snipe hunting? I would not be surprised if there's been four orgies ever and they all ended in an emergency room.

AlexEveryone cried. Like, there's no way there's not tears.

MaxMy honest assessment of this is that the orgies are something that happened a couple dozen times in like L.A. in the 80s. And then it's mostly like urban legends and stories. Okay.

MerlinIt's sort of like razor blades in apples at Halloween. Yes. Well, it certainly happened. Well, somebody's putting needles into the strawberries in Australia. Somebody's doing that, but that's probably a copycat.

AlexThe copycat's needle strawberry man.

MerlinHere's what I've learned, Alex, so far. So it's been offering up suggestions to me for several weeks now, and it'll say, oh, do you want to do this thing again? And so I get funny stuff. Like, I'll have three suggestions under messages, and it's like, do you want to text, I buy that for a dollar, to Dubai Friday? You know what I mean? You know what I mean? Where it's like, do you want to do that again? I'm like, no, that was just a thing I did once. most of mine are things I could already probably do with just my voice. I say, I can say show my favorite perspective in OmniFocus.

I do that one. I can say show my, show my day in calendars five. I'm doing that. I have one called kill the lights. It turns off all the lights in the house, uh, record a new voice memo, find my daughter's phone, stuck my wife on find friends. And one I haven't mastered yet, but I really want to get is view source. I think, I think Syracuse might have one for this, but I want to be able to view source in Safari and I haven't figured out how to do.

AlexOh, Oh, that's a built-in one.

MaxOkay.

AlexI can share it with you.

MaxYou guys have almost assuredly been following this closer than I have, but did I see Federico post that you can have the Siri voice commands go to if-ta-ta-ta now? No, the opposite. They took that away. They took it away?

AlexYes.

MaxI thought I saw that maybe it was in Federico's review that they said that there was a way to do it.

MerlinThat sounds amazing.

MaxIf that's true, my Tici scale is set to fully engorged.

AlexThat's off the charts.

MerlinAutomated content balls. Siri voice if-ta-ta-ta-ta.

AlexDo you actually-

MerlinUse Siri to control your own lights.

AlexMy favorite thing is now creating rich- Oh, those links. The links are so good. Because now you really don't- I've had to do like no work. Now, you shared that with me.

MaxDid you guys already talk about what devices you may or may not have purchased?

AlexOh, no, we haven't. No. I don't want to share. I don't need to share that information.

MerlinMy answer is going to be very short, but I think you went all in, didn't you? You were very enthusiastic about this, Max. You sound like you were very pumped and ordered things.

MaxI stayed up late. I stayed up late, and I got the watch. I got the same watch I got last year. Series 4 aluminum 44? Yeah, I just got the metal Link band, which I think is the least dorky looking one. And I got the big boy, because Alex told me my current watch bands would work on it. and then I got a big iPhone and a small iPhone because I don't know which one I want. So I'm going to try them both.

AlexThey're the same size. You have an iPhone 10. Okay, I see the, okay, yeah, because then you'd have to wait. All right, all right, fair.

MaxSo if I get the big one and I don't like it and I return it, then I will have to wait. Mr. Howell. Yeah, if I'll order all of the devices.

MerlinThat's a good idea. And then you can get Dew running on there. You can all your checkmark apps.

AlexDew, Dew, Dew, remind me.

MerlinTo Siri, OmniFocus. To Dallas, to Dallas.

AlexDid you see the To Dallas trailer? Of course I saw it. Oh my God, I loved it.

MaxSo no one got any devices except for me. No, I got the big tennis.

MerlinI got cucked so fucking hard.

MaxWhat happened?

MerlinI was tired and I went to bed before midnight. Oh my God, that's how they get you. This is how they got me. I got up to do my business at like 410 and I was like ha after I'm done with my business I'll order and the watch was already back order to October 12th to 19th so now I'm just waiting see if it shows up it won't show up on Friday

MaxMerlin you know what you can do is if you go when it gets into stores if you go on the Apple app you can check your local store for pickup I've been doing it three times a day it's sitting here in my

MerlinBastic right now

Alexoh wow you're thirsty for the watch Well, I've been thirsty for the watch.

MerlinMine broke. It's my first device I ever broke. Oh, that's right. I forgot. First device I ever personally broke.

AlexI'm the only person who got a new phone. No, I've got a big tennis, and it's coming on Friday. The silver, because I got the black last time.

MaxThe women's phone.

AlexYes. I've never had a girl phone. No, I have, but I don't like the girl ones.

MaxThe black one is for boys, and the silver one is for girls, and the rose gold one is for rich people. Oh, okay. That makes sense. That makes sense. Like if you're Khloe Kardashian, you're going to have that rose gold iPhone. She's the little one, right? She's the one who just had milk with cereal for the first time.

MerlinIs that a thing? Oh, God. Let's see. So, yeah, I got 44 Space Gray.

MaxI love the Sport Loop. Love the Sport Loop. Thank you. Alex, I'm sending our producer to get me a water. Hopefully the podcast doesn't crash.

AlexIt's going to burn down. Oh, man.

MaxWhat does it mean if those little red lines stop recording? Is that good or bad?

AlexI'd say neutral.

MaxIt's chaotic neutral.

AlexWe've got to back up.

MaxIt's fine. Hey, welcome to Dubai Friday, everybody. Hey, Dubai Friday! Here's the part of the show we don't have to edit out.

AlexChallenge ourselves. Alex just said a lot of gay slurs, as I do. Sorry.

MaxAlex, you were just telling us about your opinions on the Netflix comedy original special Nanette by Hannah Gadsby. Oh, boy.

MerlinYeah, did you think she slayed Queen, Yas?

AlexYes. Do you think they should give the whole Emmy show to her? Uh-huh, uh-huh. Wait, was she up for an Emmy? I did that thing where I thought Sandra Oh had maybe died because she was trending. And like, oh, no, oh, no. Her parents are so cute.

MaxOh, my God, right? I love them.

AlexDid you guys watch the Emmys? No.

MerlinYeah, I don't either. I watched the Oscars. I follow Dave Weigel. Everything I need to know, I learn from Dave Weigel.

MaxI go to Sandy's Oscar party every year. And basically, it's like a potluck where everyone has to bring a dish that's a pun on one of the nominees. so Veronica always oh what a nightmare it's so much fun Veronica always bakes something like exquisite and she always calls it like she made a pie and it was like bridge of pies like a couple years ago oh that's pretty good and then I always bring one and then I always make something like what fuck what did I make I think I made like like locks like canapes with like locks on them and I just called it like and last year I just called it like shape of water canapes

like I don't I never do the puns

Merlinit's like one of those Halloween costumes

Alexyou have to explain fish fish fucking can of fish wait wait wait this this year what what were there there had to be some puns by call you call me by your name right it was the end you guys it

Merlinwas the tv shows not the not the not the movie shows no i but i want to i want to hear the gay peach puns oh but that's for okay that's the oscars that's not tv um let's see that's on youtube

AlexMerlin, I have a dilemma for you that definitely isn't related to something that happened with me and my employer last night. If someone who pays you and someone who's very pregnant is screaming at you to do two separate things, who do you listen to?

MerlinOh, this is good. This is like when you get hired at Google. They ask you how many marbles can fit in a Ferrari.

AlexExactly, exactly. Okay.

MerlinJust to clarify, there's a person bossing you around. There's some kind of a fearless leader with a yardstick walking around like Mussolini.

AlexActually, I will say that this fearless leader was like, and then there's someone shouting, give it to me.

MaxI believe I was scooting around on your Segway at the time. I was doing little laps around the office.

MerlinRestore the leader to mobility. So what happened? Let me tell you.

MaxLet me explain the story. So I had to go on TV last night with Melissa Harris.

MerlinBe better if I answered before you did. But go ahead. How pregnant was she? Quick question. How pregnant? How pregnant was she?

AlexI believe eight months. Very, very pregnant. Okay, please continue, Max.

MerlinAll the way. All the way pregnant.

AlexThank you very much.

MaxVery, very pregnant.

AlexAll right. Max, proceed.

MaxOkay. So Melissa and I had to go on TV last night. We were on Chicago Tonight, WTTW, which I learned last night stands for Window to the World. I did not know that. I had heard jokingly people call it Winneka talking to Waukegan, which is funny because it's only people in the suburbs watch it. but uh anyway so i had to go on it's live tv and i wore um my t-shirt that said fuck the fcc and i need to change it and i thought that would be fun well melissa came in and she to pick me up

to go on tv and she was like you absolutely cannot wear that on tv and i was like well at least let me try and let them make me change it and she was like you have to change your shirt and she was like does anyone have a shirt and alex alex the fucking vichy okay regime in the office here called the collaborator she holds up one of my american flag t-shirts and she she's like i have one in exercise and it's his shirt and he can wear it most is like that's a great idea alex just

Alexturned on she betrayed me immediately i didn't know what this was and i i was showing it to kara because i had just purchased one of max's uh bespoke trump flag shirts where he colors A flag shirt, of course.

Yes.

AlexLike a good employee, I purchased it and it came today and I was showing it to the founder of Cox's Cox Cara and I was like, oh my God, it smells so bad because- It smells like vinegar. It smells so much. It's very strange. And then Melissa comes over and is like, do you have extras of this? And I'm like, no, but do you want it? Like if a pregnant woman asked me anything, I'm always like, yes, it is yours.

MerlinThat's a good way to go.

MaxMeanwhile, she's chasing me around the office. I'm on the Segway and she's kind of waddling after me trying to get me to change my T-shirt and I'm dodging and weaving. Is she your agent? I didn't understand her response. Does she represent you somehow? Melissa is, she does like a media and like PR consulting and we, Melissa and I work together like on different projects. Okay. So this project, we do a poll. So I do it for my political clients and she does it for her corporate clients and we split the cost of the poll and it's just like a poll of Chicago and then the WTTW wanted to have us

come on and talk about the poll.

AlexThat's cool. And I love Melissa.

MaxBecause she's a media consultant, like if she comes in and sees me wearing a t-shirt that says, fuck the FCC. WTTW. She's going to know. What did her shirt say? She wore like a suit. She's pregnant?

AlexShe's a pussy lady.

MaxI don't know how to describe it. I never know how to describe women's clothing.

AlexDid she smile?

MaxMelissa's so good on TV. She's a fucking professional.

MerlinShe's so good on TV. She looks better without all that makeup.

MaxBig smile. Tons of energy. She always looks like happy, like she wants to be there. She like her voice gets real loud and she talks quickly and she looks great on TV. And I'm like mumbling into the camera and I look sad.

AlexNo, see here. Well, this I put this on Twitter, but this thing happens whenever cards is mentioned in anywhere, anywhere. I get a million texts from my parents like, oh, cool. I guess you still have a job. Hopefully don't let anyone fire you. I'm going to try my best. What a nice way to put it. I know. Right. I've actually said that.

Maxbut that's how i always that's how i always tell people they did a good job at the office you're not fired good job on this yeah for now let you live another day for the moment uh dave

Alexcox dad just saw max on chicago and i immediately responded which shirt was he wearing a black t-shirt so i don't know what the answer is to that yet um and i said what did it say he doesn't remember uh dad thought it was live and i said it was um they helped fund from some survey uh they did indeed and that was the end of the conversation and then my dad just texted me a bunch of photos of max on tv that he had taken i'm like are you gay for my boss what's happening right now it was very strange your dad's a handsome man the uh have you my dad looks like a dude beard

version of me just blown up uh well now you made it weird yeah yeah wait i'm trying oh damn it i'm trying to find um oh he's no rachel bresnahan the the how much makeup were you wearing a lot because it doesn't look like you were wearing that much makeup bravo they got a brush all up in there oh man merlin how often do you wear makeup how often do i wear makeup yeah um i

Merlinyou know not as often as i'd like i think i could really use it at this point you know with uh my eye bags and stuff you know when you go on cnn if you're i don't know what

Maxif it's different if you're in the studio, but if you go in remote. Yeah, it is.

MerlinIt's different when you're in the studio. Well, whenever I go in the studio, yeah, I definitely get mad.

MaxI mean, like, in a real studio, but in their remote studios,

Merlinlike in Chicago. If you're, like, literally in the Situation Room.

MaxRight, right. I think that's a more, in Atlanta, I think it's a more professional operation, but when I've been on, it's all the cable news. When I go in Chicago to their little, like, remote outposts, there's no makeup or anything, so one thing that's funny is everyone you see who's, like, on the screen, you know, like, friend of the show Renato he's calling in from Chicago right so he's like on the screen but he's just being filmed in a little box in a little studio in Chicago and there's no service for those things are so bizarre well the one in the one here is just like a skyline it's like a huge

MerlinTV of the loop it's not even a window it's just a big TV it looks fine MSNBC they do lots of ones with like books like there's like books in the background and like a globe and stuff like that It looks like a high school play.

MaxWell, a lot. So MSNBC, I think, is more liberal about you can Skype in from wherever you want. And then I think people sort of build those little sets for themselves in their office.

MerlinOh, there's like that Steve, what's his name guy that's always in his house with the flag talking really loud.

MaxYeah.

MerlinThat one guy.

MaxBut anyway, what's funny about the remote ones is there's no services or anything like that.

MerlinThere's nobody there with craft services and concealer.

MaxYou just come in and a couple of angry cameramen clip a mic onto you and sit you down. But like what's funny is you have all these important people coming in to be on CNN You have all these important guys come in and they just do their own makeup in a little mirror

MerlinHuh, is that something you think you might want to work on? Obviously, you're on the ascent as a media character. Do you think you'd want to start getting better at that? Would you get like a little palette you carry around with you like a little case?

MaxI think I would need to go on YouTube and look up some makeup tutorials

MerlinYeah, you want to learn to do the eye crease you want to do the eye crease in a smoky eye I mean, it's not something you know makeup YouTube is a thing

AlexOh, yeah. Oh, definitely.

MaxI heard it on a podcast. Oh, shit, dog. Veronica and I went and saw a great movie that I would recommend to both of you, which is the Bo Burnham movie, Eighth Grade.

AlexI heard it's really good. You saw it? Yes. Yeah.

MaxI thought it was great. I thought it was one of the freshest movies I've seen in a long time. Veronica was very moved by it. I was a little less like, I don't know. The story wasn't quite for me in the same way.

AlexIt's almost like you've never been in Eighth Grade Girls.

MaxYeah, but I thought it was, nonetheless, I thought it was a really beautiful movie. And it made me really think, I've been thinking a lot about, it must fucking suck to be a kid in school right now. Like, because the pressure kids have already to like compare themselves to each other and the dumb bullshit of who, you know, of like who has what and who, whatever. There's a YouTube component to, or an online video component to this, right?

AlexOh, yes. Oh my God. I would never say that Bo Burnham is more talented than Hannah Gadsby. but I will say like I am excited to see what he directs in the future like that's very exciting to me Alex the pool sequence in that movie the the pool party sequence I can't it's very tense

Maxit's like one of the most well-directed and well-shot things I've seen in a movie in years like I heard you're really pulling for the character yes I've heard many many people on

Merlinmy podcast they talk about this and they say it's a it's very but not for eighth graders is what

Alexthey say I think you'd love it Merlin I actually think eighth graders should see it like parents are like, but they're going to be like, yep, I'm the, yep, that tracks. I thought, I thought it was

Maxgreat. The other thing I thought about is, um, the disparities now between like, I always feel like part of popularity, I don't know, at least in my school, part of popularity and part of your social standing and everything was always related to your family's money in a weird, in a weird way that I didn't understand at the time, but now I can see it more clearly. And it must be so accentuated now when everyone's on Instagram and social media and Snapchat all the time because you can so acutely see who's on a ski trip and who stays home for winter break, you know?

AlexI mean, I feel weird. I felt weird even in high school having an iPhone because it was the... Shut up! I didn't say that to my... Nope, nope. You had to give a PowerPoint. But that's the thing. Like, I didn't want nice things in high school.

MerlinWhat kind of cell phone did you have in high school? yeah oh geez kind of cell phone ride to work for a living

Alexi i worked very hard i had to buy them myself

Maxi had the little nokia pill phone with that you could play snake on

Merlinmy senior year in high school you were living it up we had our phone was from a time life magazine subscription giveaway it wasn't even shaped like anything did oh serious serious

Alexquestion did you guys have car phone like not you but like did your parents ever have car phones that was like a fixture in my life like my parents i it was very weird yeah my parents always had car phones i didn't know that that was like uh like my family wasn't rich but it's one of those things where you grow up and then you're like oh i was on i was definitely on the outside looking in

Merlinum for for that phenomenon because the first car phone that was ever anywhere near my life was the top producer in my mom's real estate office that's the term apart he was like the big wheel and he had a car phone in the 1970s in the late 70s and then i mean then like the um the guy who kind of did operations at the company i was at how did it work merlin how did it work barely at all how did a car phone like what was the mechanism you would have this just this this giant thing with an antenna like like a boomerang on top of

your car but even into the late 90s before like the motorolas came along that people would get you know in the late 90s like actual you know like the star tax or whatever um but it was the most hilariously perfect rich guy thing to own because one of the unique characteristics of any kind of what we now call mobile phone car phone back then was the person on the phone could hear and be heard fine and the person on the other end could never hear fucking anything the other person was saying it was like this unique character it was like so uniquely a rich guy

thing to have that they understood everything perfectly and you couldn't tell what the hell was going on and then you had to listen to him yeah i'm over on the beach it's really beautiful i'm in a bathrobe oh lord oh yeah what was i i found the box i still have the box from my first cell phone i found it when we're cleaning out the garage last week had a nokia candy bar phone in 1999 was the first phone i ever had merlin have you ever heard of a book called it's all too much

Maxyeah it's all too it's just i thanked it for its service and put it on a shelf Did it bring you joy in your life?

MerlinSparks joy I think it's full of like some of my daughter's knickknacks now I have so much stuff I need to get rid of We had yet another trash pickup Yet another like the second one in a month Like last week Oh my god we have so much junk

AlexWhat does that wait

MerlinYou mean like a take anything day? No we call two dudes in a truck And they come and take your stuff for you It's so freeing

MaxAlex, I don't know if this is like a Chicago area thing, but do you remember Take Anything Day? It was like an annual holiday. It was bigger in our house than like Christmas or Hanukkah. So once you put up a Take Anything tree.

MerlinMazel tov. We'll take anything, even the tree. Have you atoned this week, Max? Have you atoned? No, I don't know. What do I have to atone for? That's a good point. What about you, Alex? Did you atone? Catholics are almost Jewish. Did you atone this week?

AlexAre you talking about going to confession? No, I don't do that. That's the one thing I don't, another reason I'm going to hell.

MaxI will, I will, I will apologize. I will offer a sincere apology to anyone that I've wronged who listens to this podcast. Thank you. And if, but only if they're a $10 member. If you're a $5 member or not, if you don't subscribe on our Patreon, then I don't apologize to you.

MerlinWhat are you talking about, Max?

MaxTalk a little more about this.

MerlinWhat are you talking about?

MaxOh, right. Well, thanks, Merlin. Thank you for reminding me to go to the Money Zone this week. Let's go throw it, throw it to you. I want a munch. Do, do, do, do, do, do. Do I Friday? we don't have any ads on this we don't have anything to sell you we're not selling you some sort of toothbrush subscription

Merlinservice yeah you don't get like a box of apples or servers submerged in oil like we're just giving you the pure unadulterated product another

Maxexample of something we don't have to sell you is a website where you can place bets on sports

Alexalright putting a pin in that it's called contract wagering Max and it's totally legal

MaxBet DSI. They advertise on a number of podcasts that I listen to. I think they might be on Earwolf.

AlexOh.

MaxBut anyhow, we are completely listener supported, just like our dear friends at WTTW, although I think we produce a slightly higher quality of product.

You wear any shirt you want on here. We don't care. Yeah.

MerlinYeah. We're not scared of the FCC.

MaxAnd you can support us. You can go to giveusyourfuckingmoney.com. You give us $5 a month. And what do you get for that? You get a whole second episode every week. Although Merlin objects to me calling it a whole second episode because technically it's like an abridged after show where sometimes we're sleepy and we just sort of run into the microphone and complain that we have to do it. But if you want to hear that. Also, we did.

MerlinWe've already decided that we have to edit out a very funny bit. There's at least one and probably two bits we've already had to cut out of this show.

MaxI already said something that I know I'll get in trouble for. So we already decided it has to be edited out. But I think Alex is going to put it into the after show. So if you listen to the after show, that's the new mini game of the podcast is try and spot the thing I say that has to be edited out.

Plus this week, Alex will give us her full review of the Netflix original comedy special Nanette by Hannah Gadsby.

MerlinOh, you're talking about Hannah Gadsby? Is that her name?

MaxHannah Gadsby. Yeah. Yes, Queen.

MerlinHey, the updates on member treats.

AlexOh, the member treats are going out next week if all goes according to plan.

MaxSo as a reminder, we've got the little character portraits. I don't know why we're reminding people they can't get them anymore.

AlexBut just so you know, you should feel terrible if you didn't get these. You missed out on something great.

MaxYeah. We've got the little character portraits. You should have talked about it on the show.

MerlinWe should have mentioned it.

MaxWe've got the little character portraits of Max, Alex, and Merlin. And then we have a surprise treat that I don't think we're going to give away yet that will come in your package that was made by a craftsman who listens to Do By Friday. And everyone's going to get one little extra treat, a lanyard.

AlexI walk by these streets every day. What you call small plates. And because we ship them out of the office, our lovely friends at Black Box, the other company Max Zones. So I just look by them and they make me smile.

MaxSomebody needs to run a David Farenthold on you. You're self-dealing.

AlexNo, listen, I've secured us a great deal with a major industry player in the shipping industry.

MaxHow bad is the flooding near my golf course?

MerlinI have a very special reason that I like that but I can't tell you

MaxI would say the black box in terms of water black box is one of the wettest shipping companies there is

Merlinin terms of water many people are saying just in terms of boxiness the boxes are very black or as we say African American box

Maxshould we all go around and say which Mario character our penis looks like yes yes yes

AlexI was like, oh, it hasn't come up yet. We're going to just breeze right back. It's me, Mario.

MerlinThat's a make-a-lot of spaghetti. I'm so mad. It's a bad plumber. When I get angry, my mustache gets so sharp. I'm going to go ride on the turtle now. ah that's so good

Maxah that's nice yeah this episode is never going to get posted

Merlinand if you missed that that'll be in the after show we need a new sound for when something's definitely not going to be in the show oh the present the present's horrid hog

Maxit looks like toad

Merlinwell the thing is it's an implied show it's an implied show the implication is To be mushroom-like, it must have a proportional problem.

MaxOh, God. Right. It's going to have a real narrow shaft. You've got a narrow shaft.

MerlinYou've got a knobby boy at the end.

MaxNow I'm thinking it's probably going to be bigger than a Sharpie in terms of circumference, but not as big as a jumbo Sharpie.

AlexOh, no.

MaxYou know what I'm saying? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

AlexI bet it's...

MaxYou know what? It's probably, it's circumference-wise, I'm going to go with one of those classic yellow highlighters.

MerlinOh, yeah, yeah. The classic. You know what else it could be? I don't know what you call it.

MaxYou call it a metonymy, a synecdoche? Where what if it's shaped like him? Like, what if it's like a small homunculus of him? Oh, my God. And it's got little hands that do his gestures.

MerlinI bet it's tapered. I bet it's tapered in a way that, like, it gets a little bit thinner in the middle. And then it's got a big knob at the end. Not a big knob, but like a normal-sized knob. But if you did like a Peter Jackson forced perspective, it might look like a normal presidential penis.

MaxHave we considered that it kind of, okay, I have two possibilities. I just want to, let me just throw this out in the stoop and see if the cat licks it up. All right. No, number one, what if it kind of, number one, what if it kind of unleashes itself, unscrews itself like a pig's corkscrew shaped penis? Okay. Do you see what I'm saying? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yes.

MerlinOr maybe it's not as mushroom-like until it gets inside like a dog's penis. So the dog, you make extra intercourse, it gets inside, she can't get away. Or she has to stay until she signs the NDA.

MaxI don't know if we've thought about this, but what if it kind of uncurls itself like an iguana's tongue?

MerlinOkay.

MaxOr like one of those party favors? Okay. Oh, okay. Or like a popper. Or like a puffer fish. Like a puffer fish. What if that's how it unfurls itself?

AlexOh, wow. Melania, thank you for your service. What service? I know. There's no service. Oh, she's dead.

MerlinI don't think that Volkswagen's been in the garage for a long time.

Alexit was kind of disappointing that stormy daniels didn't describe her bits because i've always thought that kirby is um a lot like the lady penis what do you how if you want to know what

Maxstormy daniels bits are like i mean i am sure i could find out that's saying there's something out there where we yeah she's mainly she mainly directs like let's say there was someone you went

Merlinto high school with okay for the sake of argument somebody's on amazon prime when you were in high school. But she directs now. She sits in one of those

Alexfolding chairs, doesn't she? Oh, really? Good for her.

MerlinYeah, she wears job purse and probably has a riding crop. Again, again!

AlexPut down the leather tarp! Oh, God. The other... The other... Oh, wow. Oh, I... I discovered Footloser Twitter. Oh, yeah.

MaxCan you explain this from the beginning? Yeah.

AlexSo we talk a lot about how I stamp on stamps for a living because young men usually enjoy it. But they're, oh, God, I hope I favorited it. Oh, and I hope that nobody saw that I did. Are you horny on Maine, Alex? Oh, no, no, no. For Siri shortcuts, I am. Oh, my God. oh boy well there's um not just domination max is doing something and i don't oh boy

oh here come the fans you notice you have an extra long um headphone cord for this very purpose um foot loser uh user foot loser foot loser but it's Specifically, it's a mix of financial domination and women shaming the men with their feet. Like they need to lick the women's feet, which is like normal. But, okay, backing up.

For that genre, it's normal. But there's a whole, like, there's like goddess Twitter and then there's foot loser Twitter.

MerlinTalk about like a humiliation component.

AlexYeah, it's a mix of humiliation. but like they're all they all have a club and they all talk to each other i gotta say compare

Maxtheir goddesses this makes a lot of sense to me because now i like um i like a i like a productivity app right that's a that's a thing that i'm into but can i does that mean that i can just use anyone no i like omni focus that's my thing yep like if you give me tick tick i'm i'm not it doesn't it

Merlindoes nothing for me i i can't doesn't have the keyboard commands i see what you're saying it's

Maxa very specific kind of productivity yeah it's like i mean i get it that it's in the same category but that's not how the human mind works. The heart wants what it wants. Right? So you can't have, what are they? You can't have a goddess but if that's not your thing but you could have the other one. The foot domination.

MerlinYeah, I mean like that's how it works. Like there's something that might be very repulsive to somebody else that you find very interesting. Like using Todoist. Princess Daisy, Princess Peach. I can't find my penis. I'm looking at all the characters.

AlexSo Bowser.

MaxYou might be a, maybe you're a Koopa Troopa.

AlexYou know what? What if we forget?

MaxIs that a Koopaling? You know what, Merlin? You know what? I'm just guessing here because I don't have any firsthand knowledge of this, but look up Bullet Bill.

AlexOh, boy. I don't know what that is either.

MaxOr, alternately, again, maybe Thwomp. You might be a Thwomp man.

AlexOh, Bullet Bill seems very difficult. Oh, dear. No, no, no. I couldn't live up to that. Maybe a Thwomp? A Thwomp? Is that one of the big?

Maxmaybe Birdo. Oh Birdo. Yeah. We'd all kill to be a Birdo. Just pink, pink and adorable. Yeah.

AlexA little bow on it. These are all, I feel like, you know, there, there are many, many, many kinds of genitals and there are also many, many, many kinds of Pokemon. So what if really just all the Pokemon that you get in Mario Kart? No, I don't know if you're kidding or not. And I don't know why it makes me sad that you don't know that there's no Pokemon characters.

MerlinI'm not using Airport Express. That's my access point. Don't you try to shame me.

AlexI live in a studio. If I had an Eero, all of the Wi-Fi would just go to my brain. Wait a minute. I'm sorry.

MaxI know that we're not staying on a topic wall here, but should we have a higher tier of our Patreon where you can see all of our feet? Oh, I see. Listen, if people want to give me $20, I'll show my feet. Maybe we can take pictures of other people's feet. Oh, like feet on the street. our new segment listen if you would pay $20 to see our feet get in touch because I think we could make an offer

Alexmaybe watch us eat that they're getting whether they pay for it or not I have given that away for free no more

MaxI cut my finger pretty bad

MerlinI noticed you had a splint. I zoomed in. You look like you had a splint on your index finger.

MaxThat is correct. Yeah. I cut myself right across.

MerlinIt wasn't a live photo, so Hakuna Matata.

MaxYeah, it's the most embarrassing injury I've ever given myself. So I was working on a project this weekend with a bunch of folks from out of town, and we had all these really interesting people who were helping me kind of brainstorm on this design thing. And I had my friend Jordan, who's a professional magician, was in town and helping me work on this thing and Jordan and I, Jordan was staying with me and so we'd just stay up, we stayed up every night of this thing, of this event for like four nights until like three or four in the morning showing each other magic tricks and Jordan

like teaching me stuff and it was amazing. It was one of the most fun, it was one of the most fun weekends of my life. But I was trying, at one point, I was super tired because we'd been staying up all night for the whole weekend and at one point I was trying to show off and I was trying to show Jordan a trick where it's a trick where someone picks a card and then they pick a number so they're like 15 and then you take a knife and you stab down into the deck and you lift up 15 cards and then there's

the selected card.

AlexMerlin, this is what, he brought a tank of lube to an orgy. He did. First orgy. Go on.

MaxOkay. So I did the trick but one of the incredibly important details if you try this trick at home which I do recommend definitely do this trick but one of the very important details is you must use a locking knife right? Oh no! When I practice this trick I use the Kershaw and that's a locking knife That's a sharp ass The Kershaw is great because when you flip it open it fucking stays open it has a little mechanism

and it goes click and it's open now when I went to do this trick for Jordan I used a folding knife and I went to stab it folded right in on my hand did you maintain the illusion I did find the card good job good job but I did need to go to the urgent care clinic

Alexoh so not the emergency room you know what

MaxOh, this is why you're asking Twitter if you need stitches. Yeah. That's a good place to find out about your medical care. This happened at almost 3 in the morning, and I went on Twitter, and I was like, can someone tell me? It was like, is there a nurse on Twitter? I know that there's nurses who listen to this show because they write in, and so I was like, can someone just tell me if I need to go to the ER? Because I don't want to go to the ER. I want to go to sleep. So Joe Kim, he used to work in an ambulance. What's that? Not a nurse.

AlexIn EMT.

MaxEMT. There's a difference. Yeah, Joe's an EMT And he was up And he was like, you're fine Tape it up and go in later So I went in the next day And it's okay

AlexBut that's gotta be

MaxI mean, come on guys That's an extremely embarrassing injury, right?

MerlinLet's hope that's the worst it ever is Because that's actually not That's not the worst There are sillier life-threatening injuries

MaxThat you can have Trying to show off Trying to look cool And show off to a magician And I cut my hand open

AlexBut I think it all depends On what noise you made As it happened I played it real cool Okay, see? then maybe it's more impressive.

MaxI finished the trick, and then I was like, I've cut myself. I need to go upstairs.

AlexExcuse me. And was sobbing to a towel. For one moment.

MerlinYou'll notice this gauze has not been treated. Please notice. Would you like to respect it for yourself?

AlexIt is an open wound.

MerlinLook inside. Look inside.

AlexYeah, no, I disagree. I think it was cool. You took it, and you turned it, and you made it cool, as long as you did not. Yeah, that's a very cool injury. As long as there was no visible tears in front of the magician.

MerlinYou're going to get to a point in life where like me, you think about everything in terms of what will you eventually have to write on an emergency room form.

AlexThat is serious. Trying to impress magician.

MaxOh, well, that was a big, I went into the urgent care thing and they were like, what's wrong? And I was like, I cut myself. And then I thought that was all I'd have to say. And then immediately they were like,

Alexhow'd you cut yourself?

MaxAnd I was like, uh.

AlexOh no, oh no. I was like, oh no.

MaxI was like, I cut myself. I don't know. I actually did not tell them I was I didn't think it was important that they know that I was trying to impress a magician by doing a magic trick

MerlinOh boy Was it during the afternoon or late at night? It was late at night

MaxIs this something you've just done one time or have you guys been doing it all night?

MerlinWe've done it all night long It was a long night of me trying to impress a magician With a knife And then it stopped and now I'm here Can I change the channel? Oh boy

Max, how's your asshole email app going? Oh, I'm still in love with it.

MaxReally? That's awesome. I love it. It's great. Wow. I love it. It's great. They shipped an iOS update and the new app is great. It's even better than before. Very cool. It's great. I mean, this thing is super actively developed. There's good changes coming all the time. I'm think I'm always thinking probably developing while they're on the Google hangout with people well That's the only way to that's the only way to do it Let's see they offered they were very excited that I Talked about it on the show and they offered to send me a free t-shirt and I said no, thank you

I'm never gonna wear a t-shirt for your email app That's about the extent of it. I do I like it. I'm sticking with it and cool So I've started to learn you know, they have so it's like I would describe the keyboard workflow as like Gmail plus So they adopted all the Gmail shortcuts and then they've added their own. And I'm at the point now where I've learned all of their keyboard shortcuts, like for snippets and things like that. And I'm fucking flying. I'm so fast on this thing.

AlexCan you change that? No.

MaxYou know what? Honestly, I have not dug that deep into the settings because I just want to learn it their way. That's smart. But also, if you know the Google ones, like they're all there, which I do. So like you don't need to. That's good. I wouldn't. Like, I don't know. Like, have you changed the Gmail settings?

AlexNo, no, no. there are just some app like as much as i enjoy making fun of this app i love when they when email apps use gmail shortcuts and you don't need to change them spark tries but it doesn't have all

Maxof them maybe my close personal friend rahul will hear this and he'll add customizable no no i'm not

Alexasking for it i'm not asking for it i just i'm not even on the thing i did not get i got a stock email from rahul and then another email from somebody else did it have a smiley face in it i don't remember i don't is that triggering for you we'll put you to the front of the line oh i

MaxSo you know what's funny is they have their own – you know how in Gmail you can be like Marcus Bam and unsubscribe and then they do some sort of trickery to – Exclamation point. Yeah, yeah. But what I'm saying is Gmail will also try to unsubscribe you from the list without you doing anything. So this app also does that. And it's like fallback, fallback, fallback. If it can't do it, can't do it, can't do it, is it just replies to the email and it's like unsubscribe me from your list. And you don't have to do anything. It just does that. That's cool.

AlexThat's very good.

MaxAnd so when I signed up for Superhuman and I started using it, they very graciously added me to their email list so I could keep up with all the latest tricks and tips. Oh, the call's coming from inside the email. Yeah. And when I got it, I immediately did the keyboard shortcut for mark a spam and unsubscribe. And, oh, you can also go also in that same thing. There's also an option of mark all emails from this sender as done. Like send them to archive. Like a black hole. Yeah. I would like to risk, if I may, a parliamentary procedure.

Go ahead. Oh, wait, let me just finish my story. So I got their first spam email or whatever, their marketing email or whatever, and I hit the unsubscribe thing. And then what was funny was their own email app couldn't subscribe, so it went to the fallback where it had to email them, like, please unsubscribe me. And then I saw that it did that, and I just replied back, hoisted by your own petard. Did he send you back with a snippet or send it to his assistant, move everything to the BCC?

MerlinI don't know, but those are all features that you can do with Superhuman. Superhuman. I mention this sometimes, but I'm not going to stop mentioning this. I am personally a big fan of the Gmail web interface or Mailplane. And if you don't know what we're talking about, and I'm just going to say there's a pretty good chance you don't know what we're talking about, go into anywhere in Gmail on the web and then hit shift and then question mark. And you will get a little pop-up of all the keyboard shortcuts that are available that you probably didn't know existed. Do you know about B?

B is a new one. People don't know about B. I've never heard of B. What's B? It's new because of the new feature. What's B, Alex?

AlexI don't know. What does B do? B. Snooze.

MerlinPulls up the snooze. Little HUD pop-up. Oh, so they killed Inbox.

MaxDid they? Yep. Yeah, rest in peace. Thank God. They're killing it, yeah. Inbox is being killed, but then I guess they brought all the Inbox stuff back into Gmail.

AlexIt's not as bad. Like, it's bad. It's like every time Gmail changes.

MerlinAll I'm saying is, I mean, there's some good ones to learn. You learn JK. You learn stuff like that. I'm just going to say, if you want to be like me and not do email, learn left bracket. Look it up. Do we know what left bracket is? You know left bracket?

AlexMm-hmm.

MerlinI don't want to tell people what that is. Remove conversation from current view and go to previous or next.

AlexI don't want, yep.

MerlinPick it out. Also, the Gs and the asterisks are very good to know. What's asterisk?

MaxI'm constantly doing G, I, and G, A to go between inbox. Oh, right, right. What's asterisk? Asterisk is to select, select all.

MerlinSo if you do asterisk A, it selects all. I didn't know that. So when I'm in my inbox, I'll do asterisk A, capital E-I, and that takes everything in your inbox, marks it as read, and moves it to archive.

MaxNice.

MerlinThree little keys. My worst nightmare is accidentally doing that. You can always go back, go to GA. Or you can hit the slash and go to the search bar. You don't need to use a mouse for email.

Alexleft bracket left bracket left bracket oh i miss when merlin made music oh thanks

Maxall right well that probably wraps it up do we all do the challenge and eat our fa tomorrow oh wait

Merlinchallenge this week's challenge is Merlin's oh hi it's me breakout hit character Merlin challenge this week was to get pho which is a kind of Vietnamese soup I got a lot to say about this the idea was to have pho and talk about it I'm glad you have something to say about it Oh, I have so much to say about it. All right. I have an opening statement.

AlexOkay.

MerlinI want to talk about what pho is. Pho is a kind of savory, hearty Vietnamese soup, usually beef, can be chicken, with rice noodles, different kinds of vegetables and pepper things in it. I have so many reasons that I love this. I'm going to be very quick about this, but why do I get pho so much? Well, one of the great things is it is weirdly satisfying and it's weirdly hackable. Like, first of all, you just get pho in a restaurant and it's great. But if you get delivery pho, delivery pho travels very well.

It does not need to be eaten immediately. It doesn't get as screwed up as like trying to get something with fucking toast.

MaxNow, your place, they do it correctly where all the little condiments are packaged separately. You get one deli-tainer full of broth and then another-

MerlinA deli-tainer of broth and maybe meatballs. There's a bowl. It depends on the place, but the bowl usually has rice noodles and stuff. In this case of mine, usually it has the proteins and the noodles and things like green onions will be in there. And you get a separate bag with bean sprouts, cilantro, lime slice, a sauce that I don't use in a little bucket.

MaxIs that the sweet sauce, the plum sauce? I think it's like a hoisin kind of sauce.

MerlinAnd then what's the other one? What are the big leaves? Well, you've got your Thai basil.

AlexBasil. That's it. It's basil.

MerlinAnd that usually comes in. So you get like three containers. So just quickly, one reason I love the taste of it, I'm very into a very custom version of this with what they bring me. I love that you can make this into any dish you want. For my kid, I just tear her off some of the rice noodles and throw it in a bowl with a little bit of broth, and she's very happy. I will get into my system and what I do later. I just recommend this as if you can get this as a delivery food. It's a really good delivery food, and it travels well, and you can do lots of different stuff to it to make it the way that you want.

AlexLike your girlfriends.

Merlinsorry come on you're taking me back that was very funny sorry go on 65 women have signed this letter oh boy so uh and i just think so and and i get the feeling that i mean it's maybe a little bit probably of a how does one say large city metropolitan thing like if you don't have a Vietnamese community. I wouldn't trust the pho.

AlexOh, I didn't even think of that.

MerlinWell, there's lots of different kinds of things like this. There's Thai soups like this that are delicious. There's a kind of like, get number eight at our local Thai place, which is like slices of duck.

MaxDidn't you recommend that fancy ramen to me that's like the Tom Ka, the like real spicy coconut internet ramen. I still got a bunch. Fuck, that soup is good. It's really good. It comes with two packets. It's pretty good for what it is. If it's got two flavor packets that you put in at different times, that's a high-end soup.

Merlinyeah yeah it's got like non-dairy creamer and then like a like a zesty pack anyway that was my opening statement i want you guys to try that i want to talk about i just i like the idea of food that you can do stuff to like when you get a salad and you make the salad the way you want it's nice i mean like if you're at work and you just need to get food for a shit ton of people you get burgers or pizza or whatever but i like food i'm not saying get an eating disorder about it but i like food that you can do stuff to to make it the way that you like it that's some of the food that i bond the most with is where I have some kind of like a weird process for how I do it absolutely

I like a little did you guys do the challenge oh yeah this is one of my favorite challenges we've ever done on Dubai Friday I already do it three times a week Alex how did it go for you

Alexboy well um as people know I'm not a huge fan of flavor um and and I got oh I deleted the postmates app because i'm trying to not order food at like 3 a.m um i don't have magicians to keep me company just i just have my feelings in sad food so i i ordered from uh foe's thai cuisine and i got uh this is very exciting the uh fuzz noodle soup i don't know why it's possessive but

it is and uh it was really gross did not enjoy it did you get separate containers i'm not trying

Merlinto micromanage this but did you get it in does it come with the noodles in this and the broth in that

Alexit was all together and i took one bite and was like pass but then i decided uh fuzz noodles fuzz or wait uh fuzz thai cuisine i have literally never heard of that and we live in basically the same neighborhood i you got you got shafted a little bit there alex because if they put it all in one that's going to be yeah and also yeah i did order it from the office and i just put pho in postmates um but then i i was out to this was when i was at the office and someone came to the

door saying are the magicians here and i was like uh what a weekend and but then i went to a vietnam right and then they ran away it was she didn't run but like it was at such a brisk okay um i i was Are the magicians here? I'm going to tell a comprehensive story. You have a story about the second time you got pho,

Merlinand then someone came to the door and said, are the magicians here? And then they left.

AlexOkay, circling back.

MerlinAm I with it so far?

AlexCircling back. If we all remember Max's story about how he stabbed himself in front of a magician.

MerlinMax told a story, yeah.

AlexMax told a story involving magicians. And so it was very pleasant. Our friend, hi, Mike's all in country.

MerlinIt's getting better. Your stories are kind of like a game of 52 car pickup.

AlexAll right. One time there was a car. Shirt was blue. He was rolling an onion on his belt.

MerlinThat was the style of the day. Why are dollar bills that size? One time when I was seven.

AlexSo the magicians ran away. No, no, no. Okay. Okay, Max and the magician friends and a bunch of board game creators were hanging out in the, I feel like you guys switched between the writer's room and your house all weekend. So at some point you did a lovely trick in that within like five minutes you had all disappeared from the office. And I was just like, oh, okay. But then someone came to the door and they were knocking on the door, not ringing the doorbell, which I thought was interesting. And I opened the door and just the first thing she said,

are the magicians here? And I just went, uh. And she's like, oh, I bet they're Max's house. Sorry, bye. And like briskly walked back to her car. And I texted Max and I'm like, I don't know who it is, but I think someone's coming to your house.

MerlinIt sounds like something the delivery man says to Ethan Hunt before he gives him a tape that blows up. Are the magicians here? It would be commodious to meet a magician.

MaxSo we're hanging out at my house, like watching YouTube videos and cooking. And Alex texts me and she goes, a woman just came to the door and she yelled, are the magicians here and then she ran away anyway she's coming to your house now bye i didn't know what and i was like and i was like is this how i'm gonna die

Alexyeah i was like i can't not if this is a weirdo i can't not say anything i i assume that everything

Merlinjodie foster told me to kill the magicians you hear a rustling sound outside you look out at somebody staring straight in the eyes as he pulls hundreds of scarves from his sleep

AlexOh, God.

MerlinSo you ordered pho a second time. The magicians were not there.

AlexNo, no. I was at a lovely Vietnamese place that I can't remember what it's called, but friend of the show, Margaret, knows what it is, so I'll find out. I love this place. So then I ordered. I was like, can I have pho, but just completely plain, just like chicken broth and the rice noodles. and they looked at me like I was five years old and which is fine um and they brought it back but then I couldn't then I realized how much I hate pho oh my god it's like you're slurping up worms and the taste you'd think like because I like the plain taste that I would enjoy this no no you're

just slurping up worm carbs it's very strange I don't enjoy it uh hard pass for future pho well

MerlinGood for you for doing it, though.

AlexI am genuinely shocked that you eat this many times. I'm interested to hear what you have to say. No, you're not. You're not interested at all. Yes, I am. Because I'm like, how does Marlon do this all the time?

MerlinBut I'm very proud of you for trying. I know this was a stretch goal for you. So I'm glad you did it. I appreciate you trying it. Did you put lime on it?

AlexNo, no. Although I did eat rice paper the other day. interesting texture and flavor as well it kind of tastes like a seaweed actually

Merlinthey put paper in the name you'll eat pretty much anything that's very true try this dog paper what does that mean

MaxMax how'd it go for you I don't know is this a terrible challenge is this dumb is it bad that we did this it was good for us I don't have almost anything to say about it I got delivery pho it's a food that I fucking love and I don't have as much as I should in proportion to how much I love it and also you're right it's great it's great it travels while it's great delivery item i'm glad that i ate it i don't know much to say about eating pho i don't have a funny story but i think it was a great challenge because you and alex both had uh interesting things to say about it

Alexpeople are going to ask so where did you where's the best pho delivery place in chicago well

Maxpho one thing i think that's you know merle weren't you talking with was this maybe with roderick you were talking about what is it a high floor low ceiling yeah yeah yeah right yeah it's

Merlinthat notion in like in all kinds of stuff in business like a high floor is something where even the nearly worst version of something isn't that bad and low ceiling is the idea that like even if you got the best version of this it's still maybe not even that great is that fair to

Maxsay um uh you know what i would just say fa has a has a a high floor i actually like meatball it's

Merlinlike meatballs i actually don't think it's even the worst meatball you had is still like an okay

Maxgood meatball yeah i don't think pho has a low ceiling though i think that great oh yeah absolutely when it's really rich and fresh and has all the right herbs kind of mixed in with it it's like transcendent but um yeah fuzz uh what i like about fuzz it's a it's a high floor ceiling like the worst pho delivery is still like a great meal like you're it's gonna be awesome yeah you can't fuck

Merlinit up yeah i agree what's hard you know there's certain kinds of things i made the thing about toast like there's been times when i've gone out to have breakfast somewhere and the toast can't even make it to the table and it's already like stone cold except now it's got greasy fake butter on it like that that's one of those like that's probably like a low ceiling kind of thing like the best toast you've ever had in a restaurant it's not as good as toast you know you're gonna

Alexhave at home i don't know i don't have anything that interesting to say wait wait i mean not as good as toast you're going to have it my brain just short-circuited what well like toast is

MerlinI'm calling this out to contrast the idea of like, so pho arrives and usually in a plastic bag, you've got to get a deli-tainer of the broth. You've got usually a bowl or another deli-tainer that's got the rice noodles and the other stuff. And then you've got a bag with all your fixins in it. And then in a minute, I'll talk about suggestions for that. but uh i've had that delivered where like i won't eat it for like an hour and as long as you heat up the broth it's still like perfect there's other kinds of food where like by the time it arrives

your delivery food you know i'm saying like am i making any sense at all there's certain kinds of delivery food where you're like i will never get this anywhere but a restaurant again because it was so gross the way that this arrived that i had to deal with it i guess i've i am quite the toast

Alexenthusiast and i've never uh ordered toast to go my wife is a super toast enthusiast i've had some

MerlinShe's doing a lot of interesting things with avocado and tomato right now.

MaxI've had some fucked up toast at restaurants. It's a big deal in New Zealand.

MerlinIt's like a real food there. It's like a whole thing. Toasties.

MaxSo in terms of pho in Chicago, my top spots, you're going to want to go to like Little Vietnam, which is like Argyle Street. You're going to have pho lily is really good. Pho 777 is really good. Tank noodle. Classic. I love the dining room. I love the vibe. I don't think it's technically the best Vietnamese food in Chicago, but it's a beloved place. And if you live in the Chicago area and you've never been to Tank Noodle, do yourself a favor and go in there.

Lake Colonial is a fancy French-Vietnamese fusion restaurant that is pretty good. But the nice part about it also is it's street food.

MerlinOh, yeah. I mean, it might as well be like Suv Laki or something. It's the kind of thing. It started out, I think, as a street food in Vietnam that you could just... Yes.

MaxOh, it's a very, it's a working, it's like a working man's meal kind of a thing. And I'll recommend one more. This is a weird outlier, but it's, it might be my, my favorite Vietnamese spot right now, which is, it's in Pilsen, which is weird, which is kind of a, I would say like a Mexican neighborhood for the most Mexican slash hipster neighborhood. And this, there's this little Vietnamese place called Hai Su Vietnamese Kitchen, and it's a very limited menu. It's kind of like modern, more like modernist Vietnamese, but also that fish looks good. But also like very home style.

Like all the flavors are spot on. I love that place. Oh, this looks great. I go there pretty often. And they also have a great dining room. And they make a killer Vietnamese coffee. Killer Vietnamese coffee. What is that? Vietnamese coffee. You guys have never had this? No. Yeah, I've had it tons of times and I'm just asking because I'm an asshole. Oh my God. What is it? Okay, so what you're going to do is you're going to get like a ball jar, like a glass. and you're going to put your sweetened condensed milk, like a couple of tablespoons in the bottom. Oh, no. But it's not a whole glass of milk. Oh, God. No, it's a couple of tablespoons of sweetened condensed milk.

Then now you're going to get that little Vietnamese coffee dripper, the little metal. You've probably seen this, right? The little metal thing.

AlexYep.

MaxAnd you're going to put your beans in. Now, I know there's one style of this that I don't know. Oh, yeah. It may be Vietnamese or it might be Thai. This looks like bubble tea, but worse. People love the New Orleans coffee, the Café du Monde with the chicory in it, that real burnt-tasting Café du Monde coffee. And then you drip that as almost like you make a syrup, like real thick, like a lot of coffee and a little bit of water. And it drips into the sweetened condensed milk, and you stir it up, and it's amazing.

That does sound good. It is really good.

MerlinI like places where you get to noodle with your own food. I think it's fun. We've got a place. I'm not going to mention my Thai place but there's a place out here in the avenues called Old Mandarin Islamic Restaurant and it's kind of a nominally Chinese restaurant but it's one of those restaurants where you sit down at the table and it's got the big boiling broth thing in the middle

Maxand you dip all your own stuff into it. Oh, the hot pot. Oh, I love that. I love that. It's so good. There's always one or two things at the hot pot that I've never seen in my life before. Just a sort of doughy ball with fish in it or like a sort of leafy green that I've never knew existed before.

MerlinWell, let me ask you an important question. Do you eat the variety meats? Is it thinly sliced on like a platter where you... Well, okay, so like here's what I get. Well, okay, so I have a whole process. It's not that interesting. But I generally start with the like deluxe pho, which is pho, you know, it's got the noodles, but it's mainly in the proteins that come with it. And that comes with well-done brisket, I believe, rare or nearly rare ribeye, meatballs, which are those weird,

like, kind of squeaky meatballs that Vietnamese places have. And it's got tripe and it's got, like, the little cartilage thing.

AlexDo you eat the tripe?

MerlinI have had the tripe and cartilage. I always pick out the tripe. Do you know what tripe is, Alex?

AlexI don't know.

MerlinTripe is one of those meats where we don't want to call it what it is.

AlexExcept you look at it and you go, oh, that's... No. Or it's right next to the sweet... No.

MerlinIt's the edible lining from the stomach of an animal.

AlexIs sweetbread testicles?

MerlinNo, sweetbreads is the thalamus. Brains? It's the thalamus. Oh, the thalamus.

AlexOh, God. Eat your glands, boy.

MaxEat your glands, son. No, listen, sweetbreads are great. The tripe is very rubbery. If I die of the Hillary Clinton prions, it's because I was eating too many sweetbreads. So listen, I've had tripe, and I've had all kinds of different awful meats that were incredible. That were like some of the best.

MerlinOh, OFFA.

MaxYes, the organ meats and whatever. That were, I've had them and they were unbelievable. But they're really hard to make well. They're really hard to get to sort of, they don't want to take the flavor of what they're cooked in. So it's very skilled and you really have to put a lot of love into it. And it's one of those things that you need to, it's like a slow braise for a really long time to get it right. And same with the cartilage. most places are it's a kind of a toss off thing where it's like oh it's more

Merlinand it looks it's real slimy it looks like honeycomb

Maxit's got little little holes in it

Merlinyeah it does but like you can see like this used to be this is a slice of something that used to be part of a body

Maxyeah it's not ideal I've had that and it was transcendent I've had a great version of that really but when I go to the local the neighborhood Vietnamese place and get delivery I am not usually going to town on the tripe because I don't

Alexsome gizzard to go

MaxI don't think it's the best version of it. It's usually pretty chewy.

MerlinI feel like my process is going to be very boring. I will give you one tip. One tip that I think is very important. Pretty much any place in San Francisco that delivers, you will get an unusual thing, which is that there will be a sticker on top of the deli-tainer with the broth in it, and it will say, reheat before you eat it. It's extremely important that you reheat the broth. So what I would say is I've got one...

MaxNo, Marlon, you reheat that broth at 100% power?

MerlinOh, shit dog. I get me a 1,000 milliliter, as you say, one liter beaker. And I put the whole thing in there. I put it in and I start at two minutes. Because if it's super hot when it arrives, which it won't be, but if it's super hot, you don't want it to be boiling unless that's what you really like. But just remember, this is physics, right? If you pour that into a cold bowl with your cold ingredients, you're going to lose a lot of that heat. So you want it almost boiling when you pour it in. and it's so much better.

MaxI made a grievous error. The sweetbreads are not the thalamus. They're the thymus. Excuse me. I got myself confused. Covered with shame. We'll have to cut it out and put it in the after show. It's not the gland. It's the pancreas.

AlexOkay. I'm sorry.

MaxI'm sorry. I'm sure. Please don't email me. I know. I fucked it up. Again, I was trying to show off for a magician, and I cut myself. Flew too close to the sun.

MerlinOh, that's probably good. That's probably good. My tips are boring. My tips are boring. I have a sec. What I do sometimes is I get a secondary steak at home that I cut up, mostly frozen, using a knife or a mandolin. And then you get super thin meat. And then you get a super hearty meal. And I put in some sriracha. I put in some soy sauce. I put in some MSG. I put in some accent. And then you mix all that up. Boy, is it fucking good. I'm going to have it in like an hour if we finish this goddamn show. It's so good.

AlexI am curious. Well, Merlin, I am actually very impressed with the amount. I don't know. Like, we make fun of you. And you put a lot of care into what you put into your body, which is nice. Let's not go crazy.

MaxWell, you know, Alex, as they say, the unexamined life is not worth living. And I respect that Merlin thinks so deeply about every step of the pho.

MerlinSome kinds of things are just jamming into my face.

MaxI mean, sometimes it's like... When you eat the pho, is that a parallel project, an OmniFocus?

MerlinYeah, it could be. I mean, there's sort of like a... You can have a single action task for decanting it. And then I sit down, I tuck in, I'll watch some Nicole Wallace.

MaxI imagine that the delivery comes and you get your iPad and you're holding the iPad in one hand and you get the pho in the other. And you're like, now what's my next item here? That's exactly how it works. Discard the plastic wrapper. And then I schedule a nap.

MerlinNext. This is very good nap food. I highly recommend planning. this is basically the prelude to a nap, which I highly recommend. You watch some Nicole Wallace, you have some pho, and then you just lay down and you sleep for 34 minutes. Fucking best.

AlexHave either of you ever thought about legal cannibalism?

MerlinLegal cannibalism. You mean from a legal standpoint or a culinary standpoint?

AlexBoth.

MerlinLike, okay, so when it becomes legal, who are you going to eat first?

AlexOh, I don't know. I was just thinking because I accidentally...

MerlinHow do they pick who gets eaten out? Is it like a purge?

AlexI mean it's probably going to be poor people I'm bougie I don't like the street food pho and I'm very interested in cannibalism you wouldn't eat a human like you know when you bite your lip have you ever eaten a white?

Merlinhave you ever eaten a white? you're so savory

Alexoh god

Thank you.

97. Are the Magicians Here?

Show notes

Transcript

97. Are the Magicians Here?

Show notes

Transcript

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