65. Posted by Owl Grid

MaxYou're listening to Do By Friday, the weekly challenge podcast with Merlin Mann, Alex Cox, and me, Max Temkin. This week's challenge, uh, listen to a bad podcast.

Speaker AI have so many windows, sorry. Hi Alex, how are you? Hello. Are you a-

MerlinWhat the what? I'm here.

MaxHow even did you do that? I left my home and I got in my car and I didn't stop at any stop signs. I believe there's still one of those leashes full of children still hanging off the back of my car. And I drove in really quick so we could start the podcast on time.

MerlinSee, this is what makes me think I'm a crisis actor. I don't know how even I would know. I feel like I might be a crisis actor. Look to your left. Oh, my God.

Speaker ATwo of hearts.

Maxuh uh uh i think a couple i mean i think it's only reasonable to assume that a couple of those kids at that florida school are crisis actors you're telling me they're all victims he got

Merlinthat lifeguard in trouble in california yeah max what's a crisis actor well you know i didn't i don't think i ever heard that phrase until the last week and now it keeps coming up really well

Maxwell i don't know what it means you never heard you never heard it in regards to sandy hook because

Speaker AThis was a big Alex Jones thing.

MerlinMy sense is that crisis actor, I thought it meant people who posed as, who acted as people in an emergency, like where you would act like you're injured to be treated. But now I'm taking it to mean that it's people who professionally show up to make things look like the NRA is the problem.

Speaker AA crisis, that's, they're related.

MaxIt's not either or. It's sort of all of that together. But the conspiracy is, we'll just talk about Sandy Hook because the other one is more raw. But like after the Sandy Hook shooting, there was this far right paranoia that it was a false. Well, they felt. This is an Alex Jones thing, right? Alex Jones became, this is one of the things he's well known for. I don't know if he still stands by this or not, actually. I'd be interested if anyone knows if he said anything about it.

MerlinHe did a video where he explained that it was misunderstood what he was saying.

MaxI'm sure. I mean, yeah. How could you misconstrue saying there's mannequins? Yeah, at the time. Those so weren't real five-year-olds. The conspiracy was they felt that Obama wanted to take everyone's guns and that he was just waiting for the ripe opportunity to strike. And so what they did was they concocted a false flag operation, a fake shooting, where they fake killed kids and that no one really died. Or maybe one version of it is that nobody died.

Another version might be that some kids really died but that the shooter was pointed.

MerlinLiberals are so bad with guns. They don't even know how to false flag. So they probably kill people unintentionally because they're dumb and don't know what an automatic weapon really even is.

MaxWell, or that it was like orchestrated. And then, of course, like then it's like when you do inevitably get Democrats who go on Twitter or on TV or whatever. And they're like, we should probably think about regulating guns. They're like, aha, like false flag operation confirmed. You know, it only further proves the conspiracy. So this happened again with this most recent school shooting. And, you know, the kids from the shooting are, they fucking rule.

MerlinAnd their social media is so fucking tight. They're really good at social media in a way that Sean Hannity is not.

MaxIt is inspiring to me. I mean, I really think, I can't remember, what's the name of the school where the shooting happened? I should remember this. Parkland. Parkland. The Parkland students who have been speaking up, and there was that great BuzzFeed article where they had set up the war room in their parents' basement.

Those students are very, very inspiring to me. I like to imagine that if this happened when I was in high school, that that would have been me sitting on my parents' floor. But obviously the tools wouldn't have been as advanced. You couldn't have reached an audience in the way that they are. but uh there if there's anyone from parkland who's listening to this or anyone in that in the community or anyone who knows anyone like uh my my props to you uh keep going you're breaking through the those kids are getting through the media noise in a way that has not happened in

Alexmy lifetime i don't like to use the word hero but these kids are i thought but they're also so

Merlinclear-eyed if that were me i would just i would just be emo about it but they're very clear-eyed They have a purposefulness and a seriousness that people want to slag off. And it's like somebody was saying yesterday on political Twitter. I forget this. One of the women on political Twitter was saying, well, you know, if you've never been to a high school debate competition, go watch a serious high level debate competition and go tell me that those kids aren't qualified to have an opinion because their thinking is much more lucid than ours. But but it's also I mean, you're right. It is. It is. And who knows if it's time? I mean, that's as a debate point.

I don't know. Just keep trying, everybody. Let's keep trying. Let's not worry if we're there yet. Let's just keep trying. But the seriousness and the focus of it and the fact that it puts such a lie to the Bill O'Reilly's. We've gotten so used to the dissembling and fatuousness of their lies and the fact that we just go, well, that's just a thing that they do now.

MaxThe bad faith muddying of the waters and the kicking up sands where one of these shootings happens, and it's the natural healthy thing when these things happen and you're thinking about it to go, wait just a second. Maybe we shouldn't have so many of these automatic weapons. Maybe we should make it just a little bit harder to get them. And everyone's brain goes to that point. And then you have these fucking Sean Hannity, that fucking ape pounding on his desk going, it's not the time to talk about the politics. You have to wait. But the thing is, like, there's a school shooting every three days in America.

I mean, there's been days already this year where there's more than one school shooting per day. So it's like, well, when the fuck is the right time?

MerlinWell, Lovett said something really good on Pot Save America where he said, like, if you knew to a near certainty that 50 people would die in the next month because of Caesar salads, you'd be walking around all day knocking Caesar salads out of people's hands, recalling all of the lettuce. If there was problematic lettuce title out there, you know that we would be banning it and recalling it. It's just that in this case, we slip we slip into this kind of again, to quote another podcast, Stephen Metcalf was quoting Robert Frost saying something. You know, the problem with liberals is that they're so open minded, they can't even get behind their own argument.

And we allow ourselves to slip into that black and white thinking where it's like, well, should we ban everything? Well, we can't do that. Should we should we have more screening? Oh, does it have to be mental health versus versus gun control? Well, you know, you guys sure haven't done much for mental health in the last year.

MaxWell, I mean, a really, I mean, a good point on the mental health thing gets brought up every time. And I think a really good point is like, there are people with poor mental health in every country in the world that that's sort of a stable human thing, right? People are born in every generation who have all sorts of issues and problems. The US has no greater number of mentally ill people than any other country in the world. And yet we're the only country that kills ourselves in these numbers. And the difference is not the number of mentally ill people, the number, the difference is how easy it is to get a gun, the ubiquity of guns, how many guns there are.

That's the difference.

AlexIt's, I mean, it's a non-issue too. Like Emma Gonzalez, who did that amazing speech during that press conference. I was a periscope of her

Speaker Ashaving her head this morning.

AlexYeah, you may know her as the bald girl.

Speaker AThe bald girl, we call BS.

AlexYeah, and they're like mental, she's like mental illness. Yeah, we know. We told people for fucking years and no one did anything. And I thought every time I think it's going to be different.

MerlinBut look at the toll with suicide. I mean, this is like the biggest use of guns and killing people is in suicide. And that just that just sits there in plain sight all the time. People go, well, price of freedom.

AlexYeah. It's the darkest, the darkest pattern. People are never going to care about people killing themselves. So that's that's not going to change anyone's mind is going to like libertarians can be like, well, why? Why? Why not? Why not? People can. But seeing those. I don't think we've ever had so many videos from so many different parts of the school with terrified kids. fucking texting their parents and i thought like okay these are not adults but they're just uh i i don't know like the gray matter of their brains has shrunk just enough that they can make they

can organize and make coherent decisions and they're strategizing with how to like mac said talk to the media but also be like yeah this is my best friend died and also i said goodbye to my

Merlinmom dinesh d'Souza is going to say that you're being a crybaby about this god and that guy that guy should he's a bad person but but the way the effectiveness of firing back by saying like well what a horrible thing to say like i i mean just the straight talk a little bit of sarcasm but the straight talk of saying i was i was there this is a girl that i used to sing with and she's dead now and that's that you're you're a grown man and that's what you're gonna say to a person you don't know a child that you don't know like how debased would you have to be to think that's

Alexa way to pwn somebody none of these people also ever had gun drills in in school or intruder uh drills. That is something that I mean, I'm sure it happened after Columbine, but I don't remember a time in my life where we did not have intruder drills just along with fire drills. It was

Merlincompletely, completely normal. The first week of school, it's real hard for the five-year-olds. At my kids' school, the first week of school, you do fire drills, you learn earthquake drills, and you learn lockdown drills. And like I said, we were texting about this, and it's hard because you got to tell the little kids, no matter how scared you are, you can't cry because they need to not think that we're in here. How do you tell that to a five-year-old kid? And what are you

Maxdo you gonna arm the kids you gonna arm the teachers well I the I do just to bring it back like so I do think there is so just to end on a hopeful note with this cuz I don't want to I don't want to I don't want to complain about school shootings for the whole episode because that'll be a bummer I don't have a lot of good jokes about that but I don't have a lot of good material but I do right-wing Twitter the reason millennials can't afford a house we got We got to arm all the teachers. Problem solved.

I do want to say, like, I think these – I have huge respect to the parking kids who are doing this organizing. I do think, like I said, they are breaking through the noise in a way that is completely unprecedented. And, you know, I do think, like, we were talking about this with maybe this – I can't remember if this was the main show or the after show or whatever, but we were talking about – I met with a friend of the show, Joshua, a couple weeks ago, because he was giving me some advice on our previous topic of what to do when you meet a homeless person on the street.

And what I took away from that conversation and what I've been thinking about a lot is when you pass a homeless person, there's a million reasons not to give them money. You can kind of come up with, you can sort of intellectually rationalize a lot of reasons why you're not going to give them money. Oh, it's just going to make things worse. He's just going to spend it on booze. You can't help everyone. Giving this guy $5 doesn't make a scratch. We're just enabling him. Oh, I read online that he's made that these guys, panhandlers, make $60,000 a year or whatever.

Most of them are funded by George Soros. You can like, oh, it's not I pay my taxes and someone else deals with this. You can come up with every reason. But you know what? Just making eye contact with the guy and saying hi and giving him a dollar, it's just, how could that be worse than than not giving him a dollar right it it just doesn't add up you could

Merlinhomeowner you could homeowner explain to him about why you're not doing it i guess and that

Maxwould be real helpful it just doesn't add up it's like it's like the guy's fucking sitting out there in the cold and how could he be not be better off with five dollars than not having five dollars like there's just a certain like if you if you can if you could just get a little bit of perspective on it and step out of all those rationalizations like it is kind of insane like the guy needs five bucks and you have the five bucks and the marginal utility to him of the five dollars is so much higher there is there is the kind of logic to that with the gun thing to me of like i i know that it's a complicated debate and there's all these back and forth and points and counterpoints

but like if you could just zoom out like there is a kind of logic to it which is like if it's a little bit harder to get guns like the there will be less of these shootings like how could that not be the case. Like, of course it's the case. It's obvious.

MerlinYeah, especially when it comes to stuff like these high-velocity rifles. And, you know, a lot of people like Kamala Harris. I mean, we won't make this the whole show, but I'm with her in a way that I kind of wish I weren't. But like, people need to see what these guns do. They need to see what this does to a child's body before they try to make this about states' rights and freedom. It's really appalling to think about. It's something somebody else said yesterday on Twitter. I'm sorry I don't have the quote here, but it was a woman, an African-American woman on political Twitter saying something along the lines of, you know, one of the weirdest things

right now or one of the saddest and like most difficult things right now is that like if they hadn't been there to document it with their phones, with texting, with taking photographs and videos, it's so strange that you have to prove that this thing happened. It's so odd that adults of presumably good heart and conscience, oh, I don't know about that, but that they can say like, you Show me the receipts. How do I know that this really happened?

MaxI have such a good thing about this, and it's funny. But I promise it connects to what you're saying, which is that people don't believe in it if there wasn't the receipts. So I have a little video I wanted to play. We can link the – Alex will put it in the show notes, so you can go to DubaiFriday.com.

MerlinOr OfficeHagrid.com.

MaxOfficeHagrid.com, and you can watch the actual video of this. But basically, I'm not going to play the whole thing. It's about two minutes long. And this is a piece on CNN yesterday. And basically the CNN reporter found a woman who went to a Russian troll organized Trump rally. Right. So you guys heard about this, that there was the Russian trolls and they found out that they were making like Trump voters go to these rallies. And then they would also organize a counter rally.

MerlinThey would make people on both sides go to these rallies.

MaxRight. So they basically found a woman who went to one of these rallies and went to her house with a microphone and said, hey, how do you feel about this? This was done by a Russian. And I just thought, you know, I feel like so before I play this, like the reason I think this is funny and why it's important to me is think of how like so much of the political discourse on the left has to do with this Russia shit. Right. And we're like Mueller is going to take these guys down and the whole country is going to flip over to our side and everyone's going to see what how things are with Russia. OK, so this is this is not just a general person. This is a woman who specifically went to one of these Russia organized rallies.

rallies. And this is her response to CNN going to her house and telling her about it.

Speaker BWhat part of it in this is a cover up? What are you saying? That's not true or what? The Russians, I don't care if they were involved or not. That's that to me is the least important thing. But they were involved with you. Did you guys know that? They weren't involved with us. You know, just make sure that you report it correctly, that, you know. But you guys were involved with Being Patriotic, right? Very, very patriotic, but not... Being Patriotic was the group that contacted and helped organize some of these activities that you posted on your own Facebook account.

Those were legitimate. Those were Russians. They were not Russians. I don't go with the Russians. That group was Russians. I don't go with the Russians. I don't go with the Russians. Well, apparently you did. No. Maybe you didn't know it, but you did.

MerlinI don't even know any Presbyterians.

Speaker BI don't want to have anything to do with you. Well, I'm talking with... Those people that were with me were all Trump supporters. Very, very much so. And all apparently following the direction of groups that were associated with Russians who were actually infiltrated. BS. BS. And please, please report that. I don't believe that. That's bullshit. I know all the people that were with me, okay? They were at my meetings. They're all Trump supporters, okay? Yes. Did you realize that you guys were in communication electronically with Russians?

Not me. Not me. I don't know. You were posting stuff on the Facebook. Hillary Clinton was, and so was all her bandits. Some of the stuff. You were in charge of the Facebook account, right? You were posting and reposting almost word for word. He's waving a piece of paper in front of her. The information that was coming out of this internet research agency in St. Petersburg. No. You don't believe that? Nope.

Alexokay so someone from cnn found fran drescher of the republican it's bullshit i don't know i don't go with any russians anyway that's what all the russian stuff is going to

Maxamount to yep yep yep yep yep yep because there's no moral like clarity to it i don't know like it's it's like so abstract like who gives a shit yeah no one come commented about how good my friend

AlexDrescher laugh was. So moving on.

MerlinDo it again. Do it again.

AlexYeah.

MerlinThat's a good laugh, Alex.

Speaker BJazz break.

AlexI'm back on the Claritin D. Chicago has had 20 degree temperature increases.

MaxIs there stuff? Is there, what is it?

Alexspores it's well i actually i don't even know but the barometric because the barometric pressure changes drastically every day you're itchy do i have it and sad wait why does the pressure affect

Merlinyour allergies uh oh it's a combination i i think it's very much i i was i had the craziest fucking snot this weekend because we were in a different place with i think it's a combination of barometric pressure and humidity and when those things change like when you you're you're never in air

Maxconditioning and then you are in air conditioning that alone yeah i have okay i have felt like i am a little bit sick yeah like two months yep that's allergies and is it yes okay so i went to that

Merlini have a sore throat that's leading to a cold and oftentimes remember i went to the i remember i

Maxmentioned a couple weeks ago i was going to the doctor i was feeling i was felt like i was in that like getting sick mode you know into the day before you're sick you're like i can tell i'm getting sick and i was so i mean i mean i was so fucking worried about it i was like because i always thought I was getting the flu I always thought it was one day away from getting the flu or something so I eventually went to the doctor and I've been like I've been a little bit sick for like two or three weeks and he said refer me to an allergist and I've been skeptical of that but you're saying I should go and do the allergy test and maybe I have allergies oh yeah and

Alexhonestly they're probably just gonna be like well you can have surgery or claritin d um and the

Merlinsurgery is painful and long and I've done it your wife keeps telling me why because I I snore and I've moved to breathe right strips. I'm trying really hard to sleep in a certain way. But one of the things is like, this is really, this is TMI probably, but when I sleep ever since college probably, maybe high school, my classic sleep position used to be on my back with my left hand over my face, drawing my left cheek open so that I could fucking breathe. She says there's a surgery that you can get

that will basically blast open your sinuses and they make a bigger sinus passage for you. Have you ever heard about this? Challenge. Yes, I've had. I've had. There's a challenge. We all eat this. Kiser permanente. Here I come.

AlexI've had this done. They scoop your sinuses? You got nasal board? Yeah, they scoop. Well, there's two surgeries. You can get them completely removed, which is what I will probably do after.

MaxYou get your whole sinuses removed?

AlexYep.

MaxAnd then what do they put in there? Like a flexi straw? Yeah, how's that work? A crazy straw?

AlexI just put two crazy straws out of my nose the rest of my life. Oh, how fun would that be? One of our devs, Buddha, has had that done, too. It's, you just need. Is he Buddha? John Buddha. He's a great, maybe. That's a cool name. Yeah, he's wonderful. He makes great bread.

MerlinIt'd be so awesome to have a normal name and a weird name. You could pick which one you want to use.

AlexRight? Oh, man.

MerlinSo fucking cool. We'll always have cocks. Yeah, I'm scared to do that.

Speaker AI don't like people doing things to my body. Have you ever gotten a. Not so he gets $20,000. I had my tonsils out when I was a kid, and I remember not liking it. Oh, yeah, right. That's in your throat. Yeah, like the whole experience of... Talk about a false flag.

AlexOh, yeah. That's the big adult conspiracy.

MerlinEvery half generation, there's one of these fads. For a long time, it was adenoids. You got to get your adenoids out, whatever the fuck those are. It's the one that makes you talk like Jerry Lewis. And then you've got the tonsils, and then there was the braces, and then nobody got braces for a while, and then everybody got braces again. And now it's just totally understood that every kid's going to have some kind of orthodonture. And I just wonder how much of it... It's kind of like John Roderick and the Pills where I'm like, I don't know. I don't know if I trust you guys.

Something you read in the newsletter. Now you want to bore my nasals.

MaxYeah, I agree with you that these things move in trends.

MerlinYeah, man. My kid's orthodontist, man. That guy is making some serious bank. It is crazy. It's like it's booked super tight with six chairs. Also, all the women have tattoos. It's very strange. One of them has a dream catcher on her neck.

MaxI prefer when we don't get that I had an expander in my mouth to expand my palate and that was really bad it was this big huge piece of plastic and you had to get in there with an Allen wrench every few weeks and crank it so it would pull your jaw apart

Alexand it was an attempt to make again also help my sinuses but also make my mouth bigger which I don't know why that's supposed to help

Maxyou gotta have a big mouth

Alexyeah they're like we're preparing for the dicks I don't know why like let me have a tiny mouth if you ever want anyone to love you you gotta have a huge mouth

Merlinyou might you might have a partner that wants you to accommodate two penises it might be something where they've seen some internet porn which you know you know they're gonna ban that a child

Maxdoesn't know if they want to accommodate penises and how many they might want to accommodate so you wanna so it's not that they wouldn't know that don't inflict your you don't inflict your

Alexjudgments on the child you know what they they inflict yeah my denta my orthodontist was heteronormative. Yeah, it's

Speaker Aan oral normative.

MerlinYes, yes, I totally agree.

Speaker AYou're saying it's like the gender reveal cake of oral surgeries.

MerlinRight. It's full of bees. Nobody ever plans for bees.

MaxThat's the gender reveal cake of orthodontists. They open up the mouth and they see if it's big enough to fit a

Speaker Ascaramuchi-sized diet coke can in there. You mean a serious fucking hog? You're talking to like a full-on Idaho potato? Don't. A huge hog. You're scraping the skin. You're scraping the skin. We've got to turn that Allen wrench a few more times. I can't fit the whole potato in.

MerlinDigga, digga, digga. You can get something called a Frida Baby. A Frida Baby. You guys know about a Frida Baby? Frida Baby is a thing. It's a tube. It's a tube with another tube. This is the mucus sucker.

Speaker AYeah, you suck the mucus out of your kids' nose.

MerlinHave you done that ever? No. I haven't, but I'm very intrigued by this adorable packaging.

Speaker AI would suck. Frida Baby. If I had a child, I would suck their mucus. Yeah. Oh, is that like eating the placenta?

AlexYou ever seen a placenta?

MerlinI don't think you eat it. Well, you could. I mean I think it's good luck right it's like you open the cookie you read it and if you like the fortune you eat the other half you know what I'm saying degunk your baby's nose with a Frida baby Frida baby uh yeah I don't know dick accommodation is it's an issue Frida mucus okay yeah there we go I got a website

AlexI'm trying to find I'm trying to find this I mean oh no mmm nope

Speaker AI bet you could do it yourself You should try it, Alex. I had some follow-up. Remember I said...

AlexThree, two, one. Hey, Max, do you have any follow-up for us today?

Speaker AThe card makes a noise. The card makes a noise when you throw it on the table.

MaxI have some front matter. So I said, remember I said a couple weeks ago I was worried that Veronica was going to get the flu from her students and that she should make them all line up in procession and wash their hands under very hot water? We got medical input on this, didn't we? Yeah, Dr. Don, our microbiologist friend of the show, Dr. Don, wrote in, And he said, it doesn't really matter if you wash your hands with hot water or not. And that is, which is great. I did not know that. I was always taught growing up. I remember this really specifically, that the piece of advice that I heard was that you should always wash your hands with as hot of water as you can stand.

MerlinYeah. I've heard that too. And you should sing two verses of a song.

MaxI mean, that probably just makes sense, right? I mean, I can't see any way that—

MerlinWell, here's one thing with the heat. You know what? We should finally just break down, get all of our questions in place, have Dr. Don on and settle all of these issues once and for all.

MaxDr. Don, teach us how to wash our hands.

MerlinTeach us everything. Teach us about the foods and talk about the sous vide. But, you know, the other thing is like suds, right? You're going to get more soapy suds action when it's hot. That's for sure. Don't you think?

MaxWell, it's, you know, for me, it's that I'm actually, I do believe, God, I hope I'm not wrong about this. I do. It does make a lot of sense to me that the length that you wash your hands for does have a big impact. And like when you see surgeons like scrubbing up for surgery, like they're really do a job. They're getting in there. They really get in there and they're washing for quite a while. And, you know, it is like it's kind of a numbers game, right? It's like every second that the soap is being scrubbed on your hands, you're you're the odds that you're it's like rolling the dice over and over to kill more of those germs and get more of those germs off your hands. So that that makes a lot of sense to me.

So maybe the thing with the hot water is just that people are more tolerant of washing their hands for a longer time if the water is nice and hot. Hmm. Does that make sense?

Speaker AMm hmm.

AlexYeah.

MaxYou have to ask Dr. Don.

Speaker AWe've got to have him on. Yeah. What kind of soap do you guys use?

AlexI switch between antibacterial, which I know people are like, don't do that. Don't do that. But during the winter months, I feel like you just got to. And then I use the Target brand stuff method. I don't know. The nice sudsy stuff.

MerlinMethod's nice. I like Mrs. Meyers. I use the Mrs. Meyers. I think it's lemon verbena.

AlexFancy soap boy.

MaxI have a soap from the fancy soap store brand that I like that has a little pumice in it

Alexis this the like ace what is it aesop aesop yeah yeah I found an aesop hand soap with a little bit

Merlinof pumice in it oh my god oh my god like that stuff you use to get um what's the stuff gunk goop there's that stuff you can get to get like grease off your hands the orange I have that too

Maxin my garage that's that orange soap with the with the with the yeah it's like it's pumicey I love that stuff. I really feel like you're doing something with that pumice.

Speaker AYou can feel it going to work.

MerlinYou know what's nice that we use? Is it Method that makes the grapefruit scented spray? You ever use that? A spray? Yeah, Method brand. Method cleaning products, APC pink grapefruit spray bottle, 28 fluid ounces. It's such a nice smell. What is it? When you want to clean a counter.

Oh, it's a cleaning spray. One of those guys.

MaxWhat do I clean my – oh, I made – so for our counter cleaning, So we have stainless steel and wood counters. And on the wood counters, I do a little bit of soap and water, and then I oil them.

MerlinDo you do mystery oil?

MaxYeah, yeah, and then the booze block mystery oil. And then I do – and then on the stainless steel and on some of our stuff, our other stuff, I just have a little spray bottle, and I make a little diluted bleach. I think it's like 10 to 1 bleach or something like that. When I say I do it, Veronica does it because she knows how to make that dilution correctly.

Alexdid you put your home pod on your kitchen table and i don't have any rings i don't have any people i don't either i'm like i don't have furniture fancy enough furniture here comes i feel it

Speaker Acoming dude one of max's patented rants here's something on the home pod all these people are such fucking babies everyone's such a fucking baby it's a good speaker what more do you want What more do you want? It's a good speaker.

MaxIt's loud. I like it. It's loud. It sounds good. It looks cool. It's small. It's a fucking AirPlay speaker. What do you want? You're like, it doesn't wax my balls for me, so don't buy it. I'm giving it a don't buy recommendation until they patch in the ball waxing.

MerlinThat's what Marcus says. Marcus says buy a product based on what it does now, regardless of whether it waxes your balls.

MaxI know. Okay, I get it. Some people want a fucking smart hub to open their garage door and make them coffee. Don't buy an AirPlay speaker for that. Don't buy it. There's other, buy some fucking oink, wink,

Speaker Apub, Winklevoss smart hub. Like a meth? You're talking about an oink? What?

AlexGet two large white men

Maxto just really turn your You buy some internet website off. of things bullshit and then you listen.

MerlinYou go outside, you take off your clothes. Some people, listen, some people want

Speaker Aone of those fucking smart hubs where Russian hackers can mine Bitcoin on your home network. Okay? Did you see the thing about Slate? What? Did you see this? Oh, yeah. Slate was so fucking dark. Yeah. What was it?

MerlinSlate. The story was going around. Not Slate. Sorry. The other one. Salon. That Salon. I don't have it in front of me, but it's something like how if you have an ad blocker on, it'll like basically do Bitcoin mining while you're visiting the site.

It's not Slate. It's Salon. Salon Bitcoin ad.

AlexI don't know if we have time for this, but I heard.

MerlinNow mine cryptocurrency while reading the news. Dateline, Fortune Magazine. Ad blocking software has cut a hole in the purses of media companies over the past decade. As part of its plan to combat the trend, media company Salon is jumping on the cryptocurrency bandwagon. Starting Sunday, Salon began asking its readers that use ad blockers to turn over spare computing power in a bid to mine a cryptocurrency known as Monero.

Speaker AMonero.

MerlinMonero. Canyonero.

Speaker AAll right.

Speaker BGood job.

MerlinGood job.

MaxThis is the new pivot to videos, pivot to crypto.

MerlinI know, it's true.

MaxDo we have time to... If you're complaining, if you bought, if you got an AirPod or whatever for the Siri ball, for the purpose of complaining that it doesn't, they're like, it doesn't control every smart lampshade in my house. Like, you're a fucking baby. I was very disappointed to see that. Get a hobby. Take up model trains.

AlexDon't complain about my fancy Apple products. Complain about the axles on model trains.

MaxI got one of these things, and the reviews were so bad. Everyone was fucking bitching about it like little babies. When I got it, I was like, oh, I guess this is a real dud from Apple. This thing really must suck. And I plugged it in, and I was like, play Radiohead. And it fucking blew me out of my chair. It's so good. How could you be disappointed with it? It sounds good throughout a room, right? It sounds great. wherever you put it. It sounds fucking awesome. I don't, it boggles the mind that people don't like this product. It's such a good product. It's a really good AirPlay speaker.

Most people don't have an AirPlay speaker. Most people don't have a way to put the music from, most, do you know, people don't know, most people do not, they listen to music on their speaker on their phone. Most people do not have a way to take the music on their phone and hear it loud. That's what this does and it's really good at it.

AlexIt also has, Okay. I don't want to jump on your rant, but it has a fucking accelerometer in it. So you pick it up and move it around, and then it knows, oh, I'm in a different spot. So it changes.

MaxWhen you go into the Apple store, you know how they have a table for the MacBook Pro, or the Pro and the Mini and the computers, and they have a table for the laptops, and they have a table for iOS stuff, and a table for watches, and guess what the other table is? It's fucking Bluetooth speakers. Oh, it's so bad. Bluetooth speakers. Here's one that looks like a guitar amp. Here's one that looks like a giant pill by Dr. Dre. Here's one that, you know, it's like, and those must be a massive product category that people go into the Apple store

and they buy Bluetooth speakers because everyone has this problem where they're like, I want to hear the music on my phone loud. That's the problem everyone has. This is a fucking great product because it lets people hear their music loud. Mm-hmm.

AlexYou like it? I had no complaints. It's really good. Well, I had no complaints, but now I know that my furniture isn't nice because I have no ring. I just want, I know. You feel like a poor. I'm a poor.

MaxSo what does the ring do? It soaks up the oil?

AlexYeah. What is it?

Speaker AI don't know.

AlexI just know that I'm a poor. It's thirsty?

MaxIt's a thirsty ring?

AlexThirsty ring. Some people were like, oh, this is, they should have just, actually, they should have just use sex toy material because that doesn't leave a mark on my dresser like okay buddy i just sent in the super secret channel i sent you a link to a speaker that i saw the other day at the apple store what the fuck is this thing what oh my goodness i would i walked in and i'm like what is this new humidifier that i have in there and i i still know it's another one of these things

Merlinit looks a little bit like Eve. Oh, God.

AlexBut it's gold. It's so mad.

MaxAny gold or silver. It's a $3,000 orb, and on one end, it has a picture of a lotus flower. Like a Jedi logo. And then on the other, it does look kind of like Eve. It's got this gold apparatus.

AlexLet's not drag Eve.

MaxEve is a beautiful robot. This is terrible. Looks like a lumpy BB-8.

AlexStop comparing it to the good-looking things. This is just...

Merlin$2,990. Oh, and they got the new Phantom. The Phantom's only $1,690.

MaxWhat do you want to bet that the HomePods sounds better than this thing? Without ever hearing them, I bet you anything the HomePods sounds better.

AlexOh, yeah, I listen to both right next to each other. I mean, and this is in an Apple store, but I'm like, why are you selling this? I mean, I guess the margins must be great. I don't know. It's the ugliest thing that I've ever seen in an Apple store.

MaxWell, maybe Apple, now that Apple has the HomePod, maybe they're like, we need something to price anchor this, so we need like a $3,000 cheaper to make the home cod look reasonable. Look at this gigantic terrible thing.

Merlin45 day trial.

MaxYou should get it, Max. You know where this would look really good is next to my bespoke timepiece with the aluminum balls.

MerlinMonero.

AlexDo we have time today for Max to explain Bitcoin? I heard through the grapevine you now know No, I don't.

MerlinI mean, go listen to the talk show episode with Glenn Fleischman.

Speaker AIt's really good. Yeah, that actually is. That's a very good explainer. I mean, there's not. I mean, I don't. Can we not talk about cryptocurrency?

AlexLet's dig dug.

Speaker AYeah, I don't want to.

AlexI don't want to get into this. What is Citizen Updates?

Speaker ACitizen Updates.

AlexOh, okay.

MerlinDigga, digga, digga. Citizen. Okay, so you may recall from previous episodes, if you're new to the show, hi, welcome. Give us your fucking money. that I have for a long time been a fan of Nextdoor, which is a site where you go in and identify the neighborhood that you live in. You have to do some basic verification to show where you are. But then you get to read the nonsensical ravings of everyone in your neighborhood who thinks everybody in a hoodie. There's a good one recently. Remember the eclipse? Someone was very concerned that there were young people with hoodies out taking photos of nothing in particular. And everybody was like, that was the eclipse and everybody was doing that.

Huge, like 30 response trip thread. But what were they taking pictures of? They could have been-

MaxTaking pictures of the fucking eclipse. But that's a perfect, but no, but don't you see that? Oh, you're saying this is another. The perfect cover to case the joint. Because if there's some sort of Ocean's Eleven style team that's trying to gain, they're trying to gain ingress into your property. What better time you go out there with your hoodies and what better time than the eclipse? And it's like, oh, you're taking pictures of the seal on the garage because you have your little Chinese acrobatic guy who's going to jimmy in there. No, no, you're taking pictures of the fucking moon.

MerlinYeah, a striking amount of the stuff on Nextdoor in crime and safety. A lot of it is about package theft, and then a huge amount of it is stuff like, somebody was looking at a pickup truck yesterday. So I discovered via Nextdoor that there's an even, like, if this is the opioid, the real stuff, the fentanyl of Nextdoor is an app called Citizen. And Citizen is an app that works in Manhattan. It works in New York, Metro, and San Francisco are the two cities that it works in. And basically, I think the way it works is it monitors 911 calls, lets you know when something is happening, and then gives you updates to it.

So I sent you some screen grabs from, this is all just happened yesterday. 1900 19th Avenue, suspicious man carrying metal objects. Officers on scene didn't verify the report. Woman stealing children's jackets. A woman is reportedly stealing children's jackets in the park. And then just a bunch of these in a row. Man yelling at people on street. Mission in 23rd. Man pulling woman's hair, Ingalls and Jamestown. Man waving sticks, screaming at passersby, Shotwell Street. And then you can see, if you go back to our super secret text area, you'll see that there is a...

Alex, what is that emoji? I think this is the emoji.

AlexThe indignant white person emoji? I have no idea.

MerlinYeah, right. It's the gentrified yellow man. And if you go, reading about suspicious man carrying metal objects, you can click on that. You can bang on that face and then you get a certain number. It's like hearts on medium or whatever. Claps. It's like a clap. And you find out what people are most disturbed about.

Man carrying metal objects.

AlexIs this just a bit or do you actually get any value of this from your neighborhood?

Speaker AThis is part of my own spec script for Black Mirror. I just got a warning about my phone. What? What if?

MerlinWhat if the emoji? If you see something, say something. Say something. What happens is, though, I got it on my phone as a lark and a larf, and then I had notifications on. So if anything happens near my house, I get a notification about it.

And if I hear sirens in the area, I can go drill down and say, what are sirens about? What even is that for?

Speaker AI had some funny news stories. Oh. Do it.

MerlinBring it. Do you have more of the citizen?

MaxDo you have more citizen updates?

MerlinNo, and that's really it. It's just funny. This app is so fucking hilarious, though. It really is such a black tar heroin version of concern about the neighborhood. And you can see here, for folks who don't have it or it's not in your area, you get the details of the tick-by-tick update of what the police are doing, what's been reported. You see it on a map. There's a record button. So if you're at the scene, you can record what's happening at the scene of the crime.

and it streams directly into the Citizen app. You then have the ability to hit them. It streams it? So it's like criminal periscope?

AlexOh, God.

MerlinA fire hydrant blew up near my house a couple weeks ago and I was like, oh, I need to check that out. So I went outside because there was a guy shooting it live on Citizen. And I could see the guy standing by the fire hydrant shooting it live on Citizen.

MaxAlert! At the corner of Dingle and Dingle, there are children and they're quote-unquote wilding out in the fire hydrant.

Speaker AWhy are they holding a rope? They told me no one was supposed to be in the area. They're chanting and jumping over the rope in some sort of rhythmic fashion. They're moving very slowly. Is this Zumba?

MerlinIs this Zumba?

Speaker AMax, Max, what have you been reading about in the news? What's going on in your neck of the woods? I saw a great story. This is from Agence France Press. Agence France Press. Agence France. Narrow urethra.

MaxSo this is a report on the upcoming Russian election. AFP, a homophobic video urging Russians to reelect President Vladimir Putin has gone viral less than a month before the country's election. The video, which appeared on social media on Friday, tells voters that if Putin's rivals win, they will take Russia into a quote-unquote nightmare future in which they are forced to cohabitate with a gay man. the video stars well-known screen actors but it was unclear who published it it has had more than three million views on the facebook page of a pro-kremlin political

analysis in it a middle-aged man dreams of a future without putin who is expected to win a fourth term in the march 18th vote in one of them the character sees a gay man sitting in his kitchen filing his nails and eating a banana suggestively it's nice that they get hand fruit though

Speaker Ai just that what a fucking that kind of rolls what a good political ad

Alexlike game recognize game you know uh i'm seeing a screen or uh just like a frame of this and what

Maxif we made that ad for donald trump like if donald trump wins re-election you will be forced to cohabitate with a gay man. And you just show...

Speaker BBobby Newport.

MaxYou just show a gay... You just show an older man... He has the earring, but it's in the gay ear. And he's just very slowly eating a banana. And looking, making eye contact in the camera the whole time. Make America great again!

Well, only one of two things would happen either Republicans would turn against Trump and they'd be like I'm gonna have this gay man sitting in my house eating a banana or that's scenario number one which would be fine I would love for them to turn on Trump because they don't think that he's homophobic enough or scenario number two they'd all they would all get behind it and they'd be like I'd love a gay man to live in my house and eat a banana you see what I'm saying like

Speaker AI have a gay man I took a homeless gay teen in my house just to own the libs I'm gonna wear a diaper while this man fillets a fruit in my house. I have a team. He vlogs every day from my basement.

I'm making America great again.

MerlinI like to twist a wire around his neck while I read him verses from the Bible. That's kind of like what happened with fake news where it's so easy to forget right now that there was this brief flash, this window, whatever, a year and a half ago, where fake news is what liberals used to call these stories. I don't even remember. What was the original meaning of fake news

Speaker Athat liberals, what were we talking about

Merlinwhen we called things fake news before? Trump got on me.

MaxAm I going to this is your you're you're you just built a little bear trap and you put a little you put a little jar of honey in there for me, Merlin.

AlexThis is like somebody being like, hey, Merlin, how should I empty my inbox?

Speaker AYeah, it's like, so what exactly is a context and focus spend more time with my productivity app?

MaxBriefly, there's such a long history of liberals coming up with these these thought technologies like fake news, these sort of intellectual arguments. And then they immediately get co-opted and turned against us. Like the, probably the classic example is the idea that people say, um, that people say with the, with the pro-choice movement, I'm not criticizing this, but it is the main argument where people say, you know, my individual rights as a citizen of my own body, trump your sort of personal, um, ideology and preferences.

Right. So you have this belief system where it's wrong to have an abortion or whatever. But that your that's your beliefs. And this is my body. Right. So my autonomy and my freedom is the highest value when we make our laws. And then that's fine. I don't think that's personally for me, that's not the strongest. That's not the way I would choose to sort of frame that debate. But it is the dominant way that it's framed. Now, now you turn now you turn around to the quick sidebar.

AlexI don't often look at Max when we're recording but I just noticed while you were talking about a woman's body you were just gesturing as if it was your body it was really good

Speaker AI'm very animated Max's body Max's self I'm trying to put on a good show for the people

Alexokay okay pro choice

Speaker AI'm doing an Instagram picture where I'm holding my stomach big news you guys some personal news

Merlinso

Speaker ASo I have an announcement.

MerlinEven the name. Like anti-abortion is such a fucking baller term for what they're saying. They're saying we don't want you to abort babies. We go pro-choice.

MaxIt's pretty abstract. But if you want to see how quickly that gets turned around. By the way, here's the correct argument for abortion, which is we like abortions. We want to have them. End of argument. It's a thing we want. It's popular. It's safe. It's a medical thing. We want it. That's it. End of argument. It's the thing I want.

MerlinYou fall right into the trap when you start going into all of the specifics on why this is something we think we can persuade you about. You will never persuade them.

MaxI love abortions and I want them and I want everyone to be able to have them. That's the argument. But anyway, look at how quickly these arguments get co-opted against us because then you get to the gun control debate and you're like, oh, maybe we should probably think about regulating these things. And everyone's like, wait just a minute. My personal rights aren't trumped by your ideology. Like just because you think that people shouldn't – there's some principle and people shouldn't be able to have guns. What about my individual freedom? So it's like I don't neither side like really believes these things like people just sort of want what they what they want and they it's that we should but we just we want to intellectualize everything and never engage with the like simple like moral truth of it.

Anyway, that's my yeah, that's that's it. It's just that the stuff always gets fucking turned against us. The same thing happened with fake news where first it was like people were like they were freaking out about this Facebook bullshit that doesn't matter. The fake news on Facebook isn't even a thing because the only people who see it are already partisans.

MerlinOh, and as long as we're really going to have a downer episode, we're getting into a thing now that I think should be – well, it's very concerning for me, which is after the indictments last week, now you're starting to see the op-eds on, well, maybe this election was not legitimate. It's like, oh, God, please, please, please, please, please. Even if that's true, please don't go down that path right now. Right. Because that – oh, my God, that is such fucking red. That is such red meat.

MaxThink five minutes ahead of how that argument will be used when Trump is like, we can't trust the election, so we need to postpone them until we figure out what's going on.

MerlinThe single thing, I mean, obviously the tentpole for Trump is that he wants to be liked and admired and seen as a winner. I think that's really, I mean, there's lots of knock-on effects from that, but I think that's, regardless of how you feel about him, positively, negatively, whatever, I think it's fair to say that he's someone who's very concerned about how he looks and that he always be perceived as a winner, at least in his own mind. And then the first major knock on effect of that is like, oh, why doesn't he say anything against Putin? He, again, now I'm parroting what other people have said, but the single biggest sore spot for him is he did not think he was going to win.

Nobody thought he was going to win. You think Paul fucking Manafort would have signed up for a free job with his background and his history? You think he would have gotten that fucking job if anybody in that administration thought they were going to or anybody in that team thought they were going to win? Right. No, no, not at all. And the single most sensitive spot, and you see it, it is reflected in pretty much everything he says in one way or another, is that he does not want to be seen as illegitimate. Because ultimately, he feels that he is illegitimate and he is projecting that onto everybody.

And it's the one single thing that he is most sore about. And you see it in everything he says. So when you say stuff like, well, maybe it is time to look at what happened in Wisconsin and Pennsylvania. Shut up. Stop doing that. Stop the impeachment talk and stop the talk about was the election legitimate? Because that is going to be that is going to be the death of your side.

AlexI felt like a crazy person this week because I'm like, God damn it. I hope Trump isn't impeached.

MaxIt also just doesn't. Well, even if he is, it just it doesn't matter. You've identified almost one of the only things in American politics that you as a like a private citizen have almost no control over. Right.

MerlinIt's utterly political in that truest sense of the word. If there's not the political will to do this amongst the people who are in a position to enact it, it's like this 25th Amendment bullshit. You think Mike Pence is going to say, oh, yeah, dear leader should be taken out? Stop. Stop saying that. You sound insane.

MaxThere's so much that we could do on our side to seize power and exercise power in the way that Republicans did. In very practical ways with practical language. They did it methodically, methodically for eight years under Obama. They said, we don't like this. And so we're going to get elected to a local office and we're going to seize the machinery of power and then we're going to get in there and do whatever the fuck we want. And that's what we're paying for now. So they didn't, I mean, I guess they did do a bunch of like Benghazi and a bunch of bullshit like that. But, you know, it's like, don't do that stuff at the expense.

Like if you're not also organizing, finding local elections, like giving money to causes, like just engage in your community and find like some issue you care about. like, well, maybe it's guns, right? Why don't you give some money to those kids? They have their, what's that? We'll put in the show notes the link to their website. They're raising, they have a GoFundMe, right? They need a million dollars to do this march, this walkout in March or whatever. Why don't you give some money to those kids instead of posting on Twitter about your fucking expert legal opinion about Robert Mueller? Like, what was your thing, Merlin? Like, everyone's a fucking constitutional lawyer

and a figure skating dancer.

MerlinFor a long time, everybody in my Twitter feed would become a sudden law expert. Yeah. Occasionally they become an economics expert, but now all of Twitter is an expert on law economics and ice skating. Right. Instant expertise. Right. Triple axel. What do you think, Alex?

AlexWell, nothing. Nothing that I'm, you know, I'm boring with this stuff and I'm just a big ball of constant fear at 3 a.m. on right wing Twitter. And well, do either of you watch Scandal? Yeah.

MerlinNo.

AlexI have gotten, it's a crazy show, and people know how much I love Shonda Rhimes, and this is last season. And I keep thinking, the whole theme of the show is protecting the Republic, and how things get fucked up.

MerlinI'm sorry, I'm not trying to be that particular guy. What is the basic idea, the storyline plot of Scandal?

MaxSo there's a woman named Olivia Pope, she's loosely based on me, and...

Speaker ARough sketch. It's a sketch. It's what you call a composite character.

MerlinI see, but mostly based on you.

AlexOkay, plot a scandal.

MaxAnd then every episode, it's like she helps some congressman who gets into a car accident and he's hiding information and then the staff is wringing their hands. They're like, what's going on? What's going on? but it turns out he's gay and they would get outed. There's always some bullshit twist to it. It's like house, but politics.

AlexYeah, and it's one of the smart TV, but not smart TV shows.

MaxThat could be satisfying. Yeah, it is. You know what, though? It is pretty smart. It's smart in the way that house is, which is it's good for what it is, which is like it's an episodic, like you just watch one and it's a little mystery with a twist and there's zippy dialogue. It's network TV.

AlexIt's monster of the week, but the- Okay, so anyway, you were talking about- But the monster is us. Yeah.

MerlinWhat if the monster was the friends we made along the way?

AlexAll right. I'm going to put a pin in Scandal because, you know.

MerlinChallenge, challenge, challenge.

AlexMaybe, maybe. Because, you know, the wacky adventures of Olivia Pope slash Max Temkin can take a while to unpack. Should we get into the challenge?

MerlinOlivia. Oh, wait a minute. Okay. Olivia Pope. That's played by Kerry Washington. Okay. That's good casting for you, Max. little on the nose I mean you and your smart business suits and your cool hair

Alexall those white hats

Merlindid she ride a skateboard vroom vroom vroom

Alexdick doug challenge is there going to be some peanut butter involved with this challenge

Speaker AI sort of did it

Alexoh I mean you know what good enough I did

Merlinshould I try to describe it I'm not sure I described it very well

MaxMine's going to make everyone mad and upset, though.

Speaker ASo maybe I should go first so we can redeem it with your guys.

MerlinTake it, take it, take it. Challenge. Challenge this week was kind of a collaborative challenge, kind of for me. So we talked about this in the after show. If you want to learn about the challenges and what we're doing, you can give us your fucking money at giveusyourfuckingmoney.com. And we do a whole separate show every week, an after show that's a lot of fun, where we make fun of people and gossip about our friends and do terrible things. And we decide on a challenge. And I had discovered, so like my experience of podcasts is pretty vanilla, where like if I find out about a podcast or from a friend of mine, I'll go and add it to Overcast, right?

I will periodically, increasingly less so, I will go to like what's popular on Overcast because that used to be a good place to find stuff. But I very rarely, like it isn't like the old days of Yahoo, like where you would just go to Yahoo. Like I don't know if you guys are young enough to remember this, but there was a time when If you wanted to find stuff on the internet, like John Syracuse's YouTube lyrics site, you would go to Yahoo and go like, oh, show me stuff about this thing. And there was a lot of discoverability in that way. Eventually Alta Vista came along and improved that. But for a long time, you kind of had to roll your own.

And I absolutely do not roll my own with podcasts. I listen to dozens and dozens of podcasts every week. But it's almost entirely organic, where I like maybe it's a guest on one show or something my friend was on and I go and listen to it, etc, etc. Well, I was going to take one of my beloved afternoon naps, and I was feeling a little bit racy. And so I thought, oh, I'll go get something to help me relax. And so I went into Overcast, and I started searching, and I found such a grimy underbelly to the world of podcasts that I should have known existed, right?

You know about SEO sites, especially SEO sites about SEO, which are very well SEOed. You know about stuff like that. I never think about that with podcasts because I have amazingly good taste. So I'm searching around. I'm looking at stuff like at one point I discovered something about affirmations. I was looking at self-hypnosis. And as I described in the after show last week, I was just amazed at how much shit on there is shit. How much stuff is just like the classic example of keywords separated by pipes in the name of the show. The classic SEO technique of keyword stuffing in one way or another.

How much of that shit is out there. So I downloaded a couple things and listened to it. and it was the opposite of relaxing because it was mostly promotional things for a website and a book and another thing and you can go get the full episode of this for $8.95. So my challenge, and I don't remember precisely what I said, but I think what I said was...

MaxMerlin, to your point about keyword stuffing, I actually have a funny anecdote that just happened this week about this. So I did like years ago or whatever, maybe two or three years ago, I did some guy's podcast called like, called like The Business Lunch or something like that. I don't know.

I sit down today with Max Jemkin. You're going to love this guy.

MerlinHe's a no bullshit character.

MaxYeah. So it was like one of those. And I don't know. It was like the business story of cards. It wasn't a particularly good interview. It was fine. It was completely mediocre. And it's just like one of those things where you know you're in for a fucking wild ride when you sit down with the guy and then he reads your bio and the intro live on the episode while you're there. Because what it indicates is like, I won't be really editing or making any effort in this at all. I won't even be recording the intro.

MerlinWell, you're not talking to Terry Gross. So that guy has probably not done a real deep dive on anything more than realizing you're well known for something.

MaxCorrect. So I did this podcast and then he fucking, I think part of the thing is like, it's like about like SEO. The podcast is about like my like business hacks. Every one of these shows is ultimately about marketing. Yeah, it kind of is. And so he uses his own podcast as like an example. And basically any bullshit marketing hack that people tell him he employs on the podcast. And so it has this crazy, like first thing is when he did it, I started getting my Google alert. went fucking crazy because it was on every platform it's like i it's on like pod beans

Merlinand youtube the snake has stopped eating its tail the snake is now eating its mouth yeah yeah it's

Speaker Alike fully it's fully turning inside out like one of those like tubes that you that you roll

Maxa mobius snake yeah but like so so first of all it started popping up everywhere and then the other thing that was really funny was he basically took like four juicy quotes that weren't even that good that I said of like, the secret to business is you've got to try really hard, you know? And then it's like Max Temkin, you know, on how he created Cards Against Humanity. And then what he does is about five times a week, like once a day, one of those quotes gets like auto posted by like, you know, it's always called like, like, like, like owl posted by like owl grid or something like that.

MerlinI know exactly what you mean.

MaxSo one of those fucking automation things. and he's like, the three surprising hacks, Cards Against Humanity founder Max Temkin says they don't want you to know. And then it's always some link where it's like surprise.meet or something

Speaker Alike that. Slash like 2465F or whatever. Does it have a Verit number? Yeah, it's got a Verit number on it. And then you click on it and it takes you. The page refreshes 14 times because it's going through these different trackers and portals. And you're like, what is it I'm supposed to?

MerlinIt becomes insane. It becomes like Kafka. You're like, what am I actually supposed to consume here? This feels like an endless series of links to other things about other things. What is it? What do you want me to do? Let me go. Let me out of this.

Speaker AIt's like he learned my true name. So now his magic has power over me. so then you wind up on some website that's fucking like it's fucking like sound tunnel.org and it's like wants to install a dot it like starts downloading an exe file on your mac it says here you need to update flash

Speaker Bwhat is this hot tips.com so i didn't download that

Maxso um so eventually it's like um registry yeah and uh eventually uh uh i just blocked him on twitter because i didn't want to see every fucking day it was one of these things and then there

Merlinwere always like three bots that liked every one of those posts you're so nailing exactly what i

Maxencountered so wait so there's a crazy twist that happened this week okay so so i saw i subscribed to the subreddit our podcasts right there's a reddit for podcasts and what that means is like when there's a popular post on our podcast it pops in my general feed on reddit right even though it's a niche subreddit reddit does a good job of surfacing like hot threads in there and i saw one that popped into my into my reddit this week that was a post by this guy called like how i got my podcast featured on itunes how i got my podcast featured on itunes and he was like so from

running my popular productivity podcast, the hot business snack or whatever, I I realize that there's a couple of things you have to do. What iTunes wants to feature, first of all, host your podcast on Libsyn because Libsyn will reach out to iTunes for you to promote your juicy episodes. Here's what you need. A guest that's popular but hasn't been on any podcast before. and like two they have to be like an in in studio guest like an in-person guest because you need to

take a selfie with them because the selfie and the plus your logo is like what itunes does on a feature so anyway he like had some he had some fucking idiot on his podcast and they took a selfie and he did all the tricks and he went to libs he's like i asked libs here's what he said he's like i think he said something to the effect of i asked libson to tell itunes to feature every single one of my like episodes so he's basically that you know there's some guy at libson who gets these emails who's just like i'll do anything to get this guy to shut up right it's like i'll do anything to make him stop so eventually they like sent one to itunes and itunes said okay and and

he wound up like featured featured on itunes and he did a whole blog post of like how i hacked the itunes algorithm and then oh shit the funny like coda to this is in the comments someone was like how many new listeners did you get and he posted like a graph and he got like 50 new listeners from a week of a banner feature on iTunes.

MerlinOh, shit. Oh, my God. That's amazing. Well, I don't think I've ever discussed this publicly, but there is a somewhat well-known guru that is a particular thorn in my paw and has been for a long time.

MaxDon't say who it is, but just say enough that I know.

MerlinWell, you might be aware. He likes to eat a lot of things. Oh, Gary Vee. Gary Vee. Yeah, right. good job, man. Inherit a winery. The best wine, Roland. One tip those Hollywood vinologists don't want you, the O&O files don't want you to know. Inherit a vineyard.

Speaker ASo we're not saying who it is, but if you do eat

Merlinalmonds, you will come. Please remember to like and subscribe. You will come clear across the room. You come so fucking hard. Egg whites, man. It's all about the fucking egg whites. I consider myself a human guinea pig. And this guy had, you know, reached out to me and done a whole overture and sent me a galley copy of his book and he seemed like a nice guy. And so I agreed to have lunch with the guy because he seemed like a nice guy and he was cool and very charismatic. What did you order? Did he make fun of you?

He then went on another podcast and talked about how he'd hacked the system to get me to meet with him.

AlexHoly fuck!

MerlinSo I don't talk about that a lot, but when I do that funny voice and it hurts his feelings so hard because he's such a good guy. Was it recent? No, this is years ago. How did he hack the system? Well, he did the usual, like, let me tell you a little bit about myself. Yeah, I invented breakdancing in Venezuela and I discovered an obscure rule for handball.

Not a Chinese car, like a nice car.

Speaker AThat's the greatest thing I've ever done, Alex. Single greatest thing I've ever done. So yeah, cut that out. Wait, you want the whole story cut out? It's funny.

MerlinNo, it's fine. But wait, what was his hack? I was told by someone who was acquainted with that.

Speaker AI'm seriously asking this. Now that this is out of the episode.

MerlinWhat did he say that the hack was? He was interviewed by a friend of mine who I had been interviewed by. And then I heard about this. And then, yeah. So anyway, it wasn't meant to be like an, oh, Merlin Mann's an idiot thing. But it was more like, you know, if you're going to get your message out there and build your brand, like you're going to have to do exactly the kind of shit that we get emails about 15 times a week

Maxright it's like tricking it's like you're gonna have to trick them to step into your net like the key thing you're gonna have to like yeah you're gonna have to like step one they have to step onto the x and then step two it's like deploy your your your your giant net that falls from the tree it's like but see most people think merlin the thing is most people fixate on the net okay the net the net the net that's all you hear about the secret is it's not about the net hacks it's about

Speaker BIt's really about grappling hook.

Speaker AYou hear so much about the net. What kind of net should I get? How big should it be? Listen, forget about the net.

MaxIt's all about the X.

Speaker AStop worrying about the bear and focus on the honey. It's all about the X. How do you get them to step on the X? Hey, what's this? Wow!

MerlinMy ankle. Oh, no. But that's the thing. It's like, I mean, like, I don't want to do my thing.

Speaker ADon't fucking come to me asking what thread count the net should be if you haven't even figured out how to get a person to stand on the act. Yeah, it's the law of attraction.

So that's...

MerlinFuck up. I hate that.

Speaker AOh, God, I fucking hate that. Okay, once you're an expert, you can get into, you know,

Maxlinen versus synthetic. You're an expert. Organic fibers versus synthetic fibers, okay? Leave that to the experts, okay?

Speaker AThat's what you call your 1% gain. You're the expert.

Merlinbe sure and check out my podcast about my article about my book about my podcast about my article my netcast good my netcast joke gets nothing there okay that was good i know you're gonna come back you know what you're gonna text me tomorrow with how good the netcast joke was

AlexWe all heard it. Merlin, I want to do... Yes, you there. Challenge. It was net hack, not net cast.

MaxExpert.

AlexDig Dug, challenge. Merlin, I want to hear your terrible... Actually, hmm. Hmm. I mean, it's your choice.

MerlinWait, so to finish the setup from 20 minutes ago... But wait, before you finish the setup... The idea was to go in and find a pod...

MaxBefore you finish the setup, what was... Okay, I need satisfaction. I demand satisfaction. What was the hack that was employed? So you're saying this personality went on a show and they said, I employed this hack to get Merlin to step into my net. What was the hack?

Speaker AI think he emailed me. But that's not what he said. He said, I employed my 12-step system. You've got to dentist them. What was it? Trying to find... Did he neg you or peacock?

MerlinWhat was he doing? Let's see here. Oh, God. iTunes best of 2016. Okay. So the idea was, one idea was you go in and legit try to find-

MaxWait, I'm not going to get any satisfaction on my question.

MerlinSure, you just got it. See, that's the hack. The hack is to keep talking about the thing you want to talk about.

AlexI see.

MerlinAlso, it helps to begin all your sentences with so. Somebody on Shark Tank did that the other day, and I almost lost my fucking mind. That is the most annoying, as you may know, I have a very strong feeling about beginning your sentences with so. It's a really dumb maneuver that they teach you. The first time you have a class on how to be on TV, they teach you how to reframe by beginning your sentences with so.

MaxI was reading and watching Anthony Bourdain in bed last – or the CNN show, the Bourdain show, in bed at the same time last night. And Veronica was making fun of me because she's like, how could you read a book and watch the show? And I was like, I'm getting about 90% of both of them. It's basically working. And she goes, what book are you reading? What's your book about? And I said, it's a book about The Wire. And she got really excited. And she goes, ooh, a book about wire, like copper?

She's like, that's really interesting.

AlexOh, I'm wondering, is it okay for a nine-year-old to think young Michael B. Jordan is attractive because now he's super hot, but... He wasn't nine on The Wire.

Speaker AHe was like, what was he, like 16?

AlexWas he Wallace? He was Wallace, yeah.

MaxHow old do you, I think he was like 16 on The Wire, right?

AlexWell, he's still very young. I just opened the iTunes visualizer. How? How? Why? Oh, God.

Speaker AYou've got to take your CBD oil and play some Pink Floyd.

AlexOkay, with the CBD oil, another one of my bosses was in the office the other day. No, because you're not going to finish. I want that satisfaction. Oh, God.

MerlinSo the idea was that you go on to Overcast. Oh, God. So the idea is you go into Overcast, and one option is, one branch, is you go in and you try to find a podcast about something that you actually legit want help with. But along the way, discover interesting things that you could share.

Oh, boy. But the idea was challenge Ivan Adenoids. This week's challenge, get some help. How'd you guys do? Sounds like Max peanut buttered.

Speaker AI didn't peanut butter. I just picked one. I just picked one that's going to make everyone upset. Maybe I should go first.

AlexOkay, let's hear it. This is the saddest.

Speaker AOh, yeah, if we're going to be upset, we might as well go first. Why not just screw the whole episode? Well, because you guys will recover. Yours will be funny.

MaxMaybe I'll do mine in the after show.

Speaker AOh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay, all right, here's the deal.

MaxIf you want to be sad. If you want to hear my podcast that people will get mad at me for picking, you have to go. Here's the deal. We record two episodes every week. There's the after show. No, we didn't do it. And you go to giveusyourfuckingmoney.com. You give us $5. You get a whole second episode of Do Guy Friday. and also Merlin will reveal the trick that was employed to get him to have lunch with Oh, this is the one trick

Merlinthat those pro bloggers don't want you to know Yep Alright, what did you guys pick?

AlexI have a selection of clips. Merlin, would you like me to proceed or do you want

MerlinFor your picks?

AlexYeah, yeah, yeah, yeah

MerlinActually, cut this out

AlexSo, three

Merlinto I um hi I'm Merlin man popular pro blogger here's how to reach me

Speaker Awould you say your would you say your pro blogger part two

Merlinuh I would say I'm pro-life um blogger hi I sat down today with myself uh so Alex tell me a little bit about your methodology for, I'd love to hear your samples, but I also want to hear like, what was your, how'd you start out? What were you thinking about? What were you looking for?

AlexI was looking for a sleep podcasts because I'm so, so I'm not a great sleeper. Um, as my Fitbit loves to tell me every morning. And I kind of went down that path and most of them were just kind of bored. They were basically white noise podcasts or it was like after there was one that was like an interruption after 10 minutes of white noise it's like if you'd like to continue please visit whitenoise.com um but then i just on a lark typed in productivity in

overcast my did you find anything alex oh god nothing nothing like your productivity like

Maxsubscribing to a huge number of podcasts on the topic.

MerlinI would just say, where possible, look for show art that involves either a check mark or a watch.

AlexOh, God. Look at all the check marks. There's pencils, too. In our super secret channel, I've sent the...

MaxIf that was your podcast feed, it should just look like Mike Hurley's phone.

AlexJust nothing but 12 check marks and timers. No, you didn't. oh uh i'm sorry dina um but i expected just like shows that i have listened to or or i listen to

Merlinyou have good taste right you have good taste you have an expectation about like what a normal

Alexfucking podcast yeah yeah and i'm i'm guilty of sometimes getting you know real high and listening to a bunch of productivity podcasts it's fun it's a it's a fun lark but uh no that's not what popped up i will figure out a way to put this in the show notes there were dozens you're saying wait

Maxa minute let me just paint this scene here you're saying that you get really high and you lie face down on the couch listening to a productivity podcast and out of the little tinny speaker it's like did you know you can shave five minutes off your lunch every day if you blend all your food

Alextogether i first of all space up so that i can't when they're like oh this this is how i'm lying

Maxon you like most people don't think about how much they time they waste chewing as as the cat's

Alexrubbing his anus on my face. I'm like, oh, man, I should really throw away all those pencils. I spent three years

Merlinturning all of my chairs into standing desks. Now I get to work while I'm eating. And eat while I'm working. I don't eat.

I realized how much time I was wasting every day with eating. Oh, God. No, I just have a drip that comes from my standing desk.

Speaker AI call it, it's a tactical slurry.

Speaker Bokay well knowledge

Merlin47 lambos in my lamborghini account my daughter i watched that three times a week i'd come up here in the hollywood hills all right six bookcases for my 2 000 new books i I only have 47 Lamborghinis in my Lamborghini account. Knowledge. Like Warren Buffett TEDx talk.

AlexHave you guys watched that video? You know what I'm talking about. No, I do not.

MerlinYou don't know Ty Lambo?

AlexOh, I thought you were talking about Warren Buffett TEDx talk. No, I don't.

MerlinWell, no, this episode's shredded, so I'm going to find this video and send it to you, and you'll have to watch it with me.

AlexSo much editing. Oh, boy.

MerlinSo you have some medication. I enjoy some medication. And you lay on your back, and you learn about productivity.

AlexYeah, and then I go and I'm like, hmm, this, you know what? My dresser could be a standing desk. But for this challenge, I just typed in productivity and dozens upon dozens of shows with just people's, there are so many people's, there are just so many faces on folks's, folks. So many white faces.

There's a bunch of white ladies and young men who are standing next to clocks, as you said. Sometimes they're sitting next to a microphone in case you weren't sure. Holding an oversized checkmark. Yeah.

MaxWait a minute. Where's that voice coming from? How did they get that into my phone?

AlexOh, I see you're wearing headphones. You're the real deal.

MaxWait just a minute. How's that guy getting into my phone to talk to me?

MerlinHi. Hi. Hi. My name is Susan Effectiveness. Every morning, I stand by a cliff as the sun rises and thrust my fists into the air. I stack stones, zen-like, for 30 minutes. I used to stack for an hour, but I realized it was more effective to exalt my hands up into the air high. I'm Susan Effectiveness.

AlexWell, so Susan Effectiveness also takes the form of the productivity advisor. Susan Effectiveness?

Speaker AThat's so fucking funny. Oh my God. Hi. Do you think she's friends with David Avocado Wolf? Your main man. My main man, David Avocado Wolf. All right.

AlexAll right. Hi. Max got to play his funny CNN video. So I would like to play this podcast called Structure Is Your Friend. What's happening? Sorry. Go ahead. Oh, okay.

MaxPlease proceed.

AlexI thought it was going to be a funny bit. I'm going to play this podcast in its entirety Structure is Your Friend Wait the whole podcast? Yep It may not sound fun What time commitment are we talking about here? 2016 Laura Stack All Rights Reserved WWW

MaxWait I'm going to freak out if you don't tell me how long this is Structure is especially important

Speaker Bif you're working in a group

AlexOh wait I've got it on my I've got it on my gremlin Don't do this to me I'm sorry How long is this? Don't worry Don't tell him Just let it happen Just let it happen

Speaker BYou need to make sure everyone is on the same page. Let's just let it happen. Structure is especially important if you're working in a group. You need to make sure everyone is on the same page in terms of who's responsible for what and when. A checklist or written procedure can be a great asset here. Simply note everything that needs to be accomplished and who's responsible for doing it. If your process stalls, you'll have no problem figuring out where the problem lies. Have each person document exactly what and how they do every piece of their jobs.

If someone leaves the organization, you'll be able to fill the role and know exactly what shoes need to be filled. I'm Laura Stack.

AlexAnd that's the podcast.

MaxWait, I literally didn't understand anything. I don't take away one idea from that.

MerlinAlex, Alex, what if we just, without mentioning the names of any of these shows, what if we just started playing audio?

AlexAbsolutely, absolutely.

MerlinI've got some more. Don't read it. Just play it.

AlexI just really liked her show notes. They were just lovely.

MerlinSo good. You should have. So play mine, please.

AlexOh, wait, wait. Hold. Oh, God. Actually, seriously. iMessage is just. All right. This is Merlin's show. It's going to. This is one.

MerlinOh, I got a bunch.

AlexOkay. Here we are.

Speaker BAll right. It's time for some grocery shopping. I resolve now to mindfully purchase items that are in line with my health goals and desires. Eating begins here. Well, before I ever taste the food, I am aware of the variety of products in this store, but I have a clear focus and strategy for this trip. What I bring home is what will live in my kitchen. So wait, you're saying I shouldn't just randomly wander into a grocery store and buy things at random, blindfold myself, like pin the tail on the donkey? It'd be nice to have some affirmations for it. So I stick with what's offered on the perimeter of the store

rather than what's in the middle of the store. Smart. What if I need flour? Even when I see great deals, I take this moment of opportunity to reflect I will not buy cookies with courage and affirmation. I purchase without over-purchasing or under-purchasing. I monitor how much food I will need until my next day. Hang on. This is really too fast. I've got to take notes. You don't have time to say it after her. Did you just over-purchase or not to over-purchase? Based on what I want in my life. Or under-purchase. Don't under-purchase either. Stay out of the middle of the story. Just get that part. Stay out of the middle of the story. I'm mindful of everything I know about empty calories.

I remember that eating to avoid facing problems is creating more problems. I know which foods are my weaknesses. and I know how to say no to buying and eating them. I can make changes and adjustments to what I put in my body. Food is a life source. Okay, that's probably good. You should stop this. And you really get that sense of accomplishment.

AlexWhat's happening? You feel happy. Are you being haunted by her? Is she a ghost? Oh, no, no, no. Not like this. Not like this. Ghost, be gone. You know, you never have to put up naps on iOS.

Speaker AIn the name of Jesus Christ, the power of Christ compels you. Be gone from our studio. What business do you have, your spirit?

AlexI release you. I'm going to go with one of mine.

MaxShe's haunting me because I bought a bag of Funyuns the last time I went to Mariano's.

AlexI'm not going to play the whole thing, but it's three whole minutes. Oh, my God.

Speaker ADoes she do one of those every week?

AlexNo, this is a different person. This is a different person. No, I understand that each of these people do one of these every week. Oh, sometimes more. Sometimes it's daily. Jesus Christ

Speaker BThe Time Advisor Helping you invest wisely Because time isn't money Do you want to be more productive Without working longer or harder

AlexOkay that's enough That's enough

Speaker AWhy does he have that fucking like radio intro The Time Waster Time Waster Bobby Newport

MaxAnd then he comes on and he's fucking recording into his laptop microphone. Hi, it's me, the time guy.

MerlinAlex, cue mine up, please.

AlexAll right. All right. Here we go. Man, I know now why you make that noise. It's very effective. Oh, God. Oh, God.

MerlinSusan, effectiveness taught me.

AlexOh, okay. Here we go. This is Seduction Debunked.

Speaker BWe can see the matrix of seduction. You've got the questions. We've got the answers. Here is the official seductiondebunked.com podcast with Maurice and John.

Speaker AI think this is Melania Trump's podcast.

Speaker BThank you for joining us again in our little conversation here about seduction. So welcome to SeductionDebunked.com podcast, where we teach you and talk about all things about seduction. My name is Maurice.

MerlinOkay, so you know about this, right? If you want to sell some kind of phony baloney nootropic, your website has to be, don't buy this nootropic. So people who are skeptical, they find that. In this case, this guy's whole site is called Seduction Debunked. And he's a middle-aged...

Speaker A168 Opportunities Podcast, number 99. How to Maximize Google Analytics to Drive More Leads. Yeah, there's a little pause button on there.

AlexIf you hit that, it'll stop playing. It's freezing. Lately, Overcast has been so fucked for me. Well, then again, I did just download about 30 productivity. All right, Merlin, go ahead.

MerlinNo, that's it. That's it. Let's see. I got another one here. Oh, my God. I was very interested in the law of attraction. That's been an interesting one for me. I wish I could find the timestamp for this one.

AlexAll right. Let me go. I've got just a couple more.

Speaker AToday, I'm asking the question, is routine good?

Speaker BOh, who could not? Welcome to the Productivity Podcast, the show that will supercharge your productivity fast.

Speaker AGet more done with actionable, easy-to-follow advice, and become a Jedi Master of Productivity. And now, introducing your host, Paul Miners. you can fucking if you listen to this podcast you can become like luke skywalker you can

Maxactually buy locate so you can be blending up your lunch in one room and filling out

Speaker Awith different hair and filling out no cards in the other room

Maxif you strike me down i shall become more productive than you can possibly imagine

Alexokay but the thing with like all of these pockets they have that crazy radio introduction and then

Maxthey're talking if you die as a productivity ghost if you die and you're a productivity jedi you come back as a ghost but you just you show up in the office and just tap your watch and

Merlinlook at people oh god oh um i don't have the exact time stamp but uh try this one just went through

AlexOh, I had this. I had this one. Okay, cool. This will be our last one because I also had this.

Speaker ALife hack or do not life hack. There is no try.

Speaker BWelcome to the Power of Your Mind podcast. I'm Victoria Gallagher, your host. Have you been attempting to use law of attraction or hypnosis to attract financial abundance, soulmate, or career success? Would you like to be happy, motivated, and successful? Oh, you got me back. Enjoy more fulfilling relationships.

MaxYes.

Speaker BYou'll become struggle and gain mastery over your life. Then join me on this amazing self-help podcast where you'll unleash the power of your mind.

Speaker AWhy did she say it like that? Podcast. Stop. Try this podcast. Podcast. Okay, stop it. Stop it.

MerlinThis is a good one, though, because she explains brainwaves.

AlexGo on.

MerlinI want to hear a little bit more, actually.

AlexI don't.

MerlinShe explains brainwaves. Yeah. And it helps you learn which brainwave is best for doing the law of attraction. Oh, good. And then you have to be very specific about what it is that you want, and then you ask the universe for it. You know what I like about that is that's actionable.

AlexMm-hmm. It is. Exactly. Exactly.

MerlinThat's exactly what Susan Effectiveness coaches.

AlexAll right. This is my favorite. Hold on. There's one that's really good to end on. Seriously, overcast keeps crashing.

Speaker BSuccessful.

AlexDon't listen. It's very funny. It's very funny. Look it. Overcast is totally fucked. Hold on. Hold on.

MaxFile a ticket.

AlexMarco, help. Wow, they're losing the functional high ground over there, huh?

Speaker AMarco, help. Oh. Oh. Oh.

AlexOh. All right. This is called Hypnosis Self-Help featuring Hypnosis DJ Frost.

Speaker AOh, yes. Lost Hope Radio

Speaker BYou're listening to Hypnotist DJ Frost Positive Words Techno Trance Consciousness From DJFrostStudios.com

AlexStick with it, stick with it

MerlinIs this the drop? Is this the drop?

Speaker BNot yet, not yet. That's not the drop. Ready. Imagine. Powerful.

Open. Meaningful. Instinctive.

Vital. Words. Healthy.

AlexSo that goes on for five minutes, and he's just saying words the entire time.

MerlinDJ Frost, the podcast pilot, has been recording and creating his own audio and visual productions for a number of years, while engaging and influencing his audience in several of his specialties. He has produced 15 hypnosis albums that are actively selling on a number of sites, including Amazon and iTunes. His audio podcasts on hypnosis are always being downloaded every week. They're available on iTunes. He's done one on past life regression, hypnosis for weight loss, confidence booster with a picture of a tiger, overcoming fear of flying, hypnosis for stress relief, hypnosis self-help, and hypnotist DJ Frost gastric band self-hypnosis.

And that's got pictures of almonds next to a measuring tape.

MaxI'm going to lay down a new intro for Dubai Friday. Are you guys ready?

AlexI'm ready. Productivity.

MaxHappiness. Humor.

MerlinHi. Confidence. Hi, I'm Susan Effectiveness. I'm sitting down today with DJ Bane, the podcast destroyer.

Speaker AWellness.

Speaker BMotivation Brainwars Alright

Show notes

Transcript

65. Posted by Owl Grid

Show notes

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