Do By Friday
Episode 64 artwork
Episode 64 · February 15, 2018 · 01:08:12

64. Problematic Clog

This week's challengeGet a haircut.
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Transcript

Tap a timestamp or any sentence to play from there · machine transcribed (mlx:mlx-community/whisper-large-v3-turbo), expect mistakes

AlexThis is Do By Friday, a weekly challenge podcast with Merlin Mann, Alex Cox and Max Temkin. This week's challenge, get a haircut.

Hello?

MerlinHello.

AlexMax isn't here. Let's talk about Doctor Who. oh oh no you seem a little soured no i'm fine i like starting on time no i mean oh we have to stop talking about doctor who is it bad that i think she's hot i thought matt smith was hot max do you think matt smith is hot which one is that big chin boy chinny

Maxoh he's the queen's husband on that uh he's the queen's husband on that show uh The Queen. The Queen.

AlexThe Queen's favorite show, The Queens.

MaxDo I think he's hot? No, he has a lumpy face.

AlexMerlin, can I start with follow-up?

MaxYes. Alex has got a whole thing of note cards here.

AlexWell, I stole them from Max because we did not get through the stack. We got through OP1. We got through the Starbucks uniform. I love that you brought the cards back. Wow.

MaxWow. Wait, this is like my worst nightmare in life. Is it all the little note cards I write? Someone's going to follow behind me and make sure I...

AlexYou left them in the studio.

MaxAnd they're going to yell at me if I did them or not?

AlexBetter Finder.

MaxI just left them in the studio like a goddamn ape?

AlexOh, Better Finder. No, we talked about that.

MaxBetter Finder Renamer. Hey, Producer Chris, can we turn Merlin up in the headphone mix the same way that we do every week that we record?

AlexHello.

MaxThat's great.

AlexStarting and purging design files. Oh, one thing. One thing that has haunted me. all week you came in all jazzed about a new credit card. Oh, right.

MerlinThat's his new credit card.

AlexYeah. Oh, I know. I just thought it was fine. This is like the time when you're like, well, for complicated reasons, I had to get to work a certain way.

MaxI just thought it was funny. Well, I don't even remember how this came up. You said you had a funny story about your credit card.

MerlinYou prepared a funny bit.

MaxI don't remember. I don't remember what I was going to say. But basically, I met with like my banker. I had my like once a year meeting with my banker and he was like, you should get a better. Do you guys remember?

MerlinI flushed the Chicago Tribune down his toilet.

MaxYeah. So do you guys remember when we, I think we talked about this on this podcast, the whole idea of like when I went to get the house, I realized that I had no credit because I've never had a credit card. And so, and around that time I like got, I changed from my college. I went for it. So I had my college super savers PNC checking account and like every dollar I had ever made was in my PNC college super savers checking account. And that was bad. So I got I went to I got a banker at some at a better bank and he was like, OK, you got to get a credit card

and establish credit. So now I use that. And then he came back to me and he was like, listen, like there's a you get now that you've used the credit card for a couple of years or a year or whatever. there's a better credit card that you should get. And I was like, you know, I was like, I don't really know how I feel about the idea of like better or worse credit cards because so a number one, a number one, I like, I've never paid a dollar on the credit card because you don't, I don't carry a balance, right? Like, so I don't, I only spend things on the credit card that I can afford and then I just pay it off immediately. So I don't really care what the

Alexterms of the credit card are that much. So I'm, I'm actually, so you had a credit card,

Maxbut just didn't carry a bail so no credit existed? Okay, so here's the deal. So I went to a better bank and the banker gave me that blue card that everyone has, the Chase Sapphire Preferred Card. I don't have that. It's a good card. I don't know. If you Google what's the best credit card, that one comes up a lot. And basically – I'm going to have to Google which credit card will they give me.

MerlinThanks, Simple. Beep, beep.

Alexamazon declined me all right i'm sorry max i want to hear the credit card story don't get a credit

Maxcard from a tech startup like they can't even get a credit card so okay so then i established some credit and my bank and i and my banker was like you should get a better credit card and i was like you know i don't really believe in this whole idea of like better credit cards because i heard a story on planet money that they were like they did a whole story and they were like what makes people choose a credit card and they were like and there was like this thing is like really well studied because banks want to know, like, why do people pick the credit card that they pick? And basically it's like, is it that they get better points on like travel? Or is it that the card is accepted more places?

Or is it that it has like great rates and they like figure out their spending habits? Or is it the limit?

AlexMax, did he look at you like a doctor looks at me when I bring a WebMD printout? I was just thinking the exact same thing.

MerlinThat's exactly what I was thinking.

MaxNo, we talked. You came in with a printed out article. Yeah. And I know I was describing this and I just thought it was funny. And basically they analyzed all the factors. And what they find out is that people choose credit cards.

MerlinTyping on his imaginary typewriter. Yeah. Oh, yes. And something very customized for you.

MaxHere's a credit card. So the Planet Money story was that basically people choose credit cards based on only one factor, which is how heavy they are when you hold them in your hand.

MerlinWhat?

MaxYeah. The heavier the credit card, the heavier the credit card, the more people want it and the better they perceive it to be.

AlexI'm literally the exact opposite because we've talked about it in wallets.

MaxI'm just saying. I'm just saying. Wow. I mean. Oh, no, I believe you. That makes sense. It's not literally every person, but that's how many people decide.

MerlinIt's almost like when they do sound tests. All of the things being equal, the one that's slightly louder always wins. So you have to really be careful which ones everybody thinks.

MaxWhen you go to Costco, the TV with the highest contrast is the one that looks the best.

MerlinThat's the way you should do it. You're running a little demo mode.

MaxYeah, which one has the best frame interpolation?

MerlinI like it when it looks really smooth, like a soap opera.

MaxI actually think that I'm going to start a movement where you go to your parents' house and turn on the frame interpolation.

MerlinTurn the brightness way, oh, and the sharpening.

MaxI love the sharpening. And here's the angle on my charity, on my cause, is look at how much joy it brings to people to lead that charge. Like, you've got to go to your parents' house and turn off the frame interpolation. Eventually, the frame interpolation is going to be turned off, and they're going to lose their cause, right? You're saying you go in and turn it on, and now you're the counter. I'm like a counter-revolutionary, and you need something. The joy is in the struggle. That's right. You're the Mao in the living room. Right.

AlexWait, is that the end of the credit card story?

MaxOh, no. So basically the guy, okay, so I told the guy the heaviness thing and then he was like, well, he was like, that's interesting you mentioned that because the card I was going to recommend is called the J.P. Morgan Palladium card and he takes it out of his wallet and drops it onto the table and it's like a sheet of, it's like a solid piece of sheet metal and it like clatters onto the table. did you did you did you unconsciously go yeah i picked it up i totally would yeah i picked it up and he's and he was like let me

tell you a little bit about the rates and the benefits and i was like stop talking i have i want it uh do you have it with you no i applied i applied for it i don't know if i'm gonna get it

Alexor not that's that's how it works yeah i got i got rejected well i get very scared every time it like regarding credit cards because like for various reasons and like health stuff i racked up a bunch of credit card debt in college and now i can pay i'm lucky enough that i can pay it off and like no no no you can't pay it off all at once and i'm like that doesn't get you man i'm like what wait what and and how how like but bankers and non this is like taking blackjack

Merlintips from someone who owns a casino let me tell you how the system wants to get you it's like sean hannity talking about the media it's like what are you even hear what you're saying that

MaxObama portrait was covered in semen. I had so much cum.

MerlinHe had so much forehead cum.

MaxA lot of people are going to tell you that you should

Speaker Akeep zero balance on it. That's an inaccurate thing.

MerlinReally rack that up and then pay up just a little bit. Only the interest. The interest is the part that people are really looking at.

AlexI have like five cents of interest every month. I don't know what's happening.

MaxThat Obama portrait was so covered in cum you could really tell he was eating his seven almonds. Where's my bell? Come on to the bell.

Speaker AThank you. I consider myself a human guinea pig. So what I like to do is I'm a light-repreneur. Something I call content jacking.

MaxHey, Merlin, that Obama portrait was so covered in semen that you could really tell he was eating his seven almonds. Do one more for safety.

MerlinGo ahead. All right, we'll get one more take.

MaxYeah, it's Sean Hannity complaining about the media. Am I right? Did you guys see this? Did you guys hear about this? Sean Hannity saying that the Obama portrait was covered in gum. Boy, that President Obama, he must have been really eating his seven almonds.

AlexHey. Hey, hey.

MerlinA lot of these baseball players today, they've got really silly names. Good story, Max. So you're hoping to be in receipt of a Palladium card. You're hoping to get a card.

MaxWe'll see. If I get it, I'm going to come in and tap it on the microphone. and you can hear how heavy it is.

AlexI really want to hear it drop. I don't know why. I just...

MerlinI got one new card in the new format. The new format? Oh, I see. The chip and pin? Oh, God. Fish and cushion. Let me go grab my wallet. Hang on.

MaxLet me tell you my idea for a funny Tumblr that I... Don't say anything funny. I'll be right back. I got my head on. Well, that's almost certainly assured.

AlexYou're really getting in on Tumblr at the peak of Tumblr.

MaxNo, I thought of a good, I thought of a really funny, like, single-serving tumbler that I should do that I always, that I forget about. But I remember it all the time that what a good idea it would be. But do you guys ever know when you, do you ever notice when you go to, like, CVS or whatever, how they have, every one of them that doesn't have the chip and pin working has a more ridiculous system to tell you that than the last. Like, they have, like, some sort of, like, cardboard box shoved in there. And it's like, do not put card. Like, you know what I'm talking about? Yeah. The tape gets increasingly stronger each place you go.

Oh, the best is when it's just taped over with the clear tape. When it's just like scotch tape. It just says no chip. No chip. And then the other one is like some of them have like a little branded plastic flag that comes out of the credit card thing where it's just like the container store will be getting a chip and pin system soon.

MerlinBut I thought that would be fun.

MaxI thought it was 2016. Someone should just take a picture of all of those and make like a single serving tumbler. That's a good idea.

MerlinI have one. So I have two, two of my cards have chip boys. Oh, actually, this is a dead card. Take this one away. And I have one that has the number in the back not raised. And it feels it feels I mean, it's like it doesn't feel much more substantial than like my ACLU card. Oh, oh, oh, fucking kidding. God damn it. So last year when I was exactly a year ago this month, when I was fretting about the election, I joined the ACLU and give them a monthly contribution.

Only because in the 90s, it became a running bit that liberals were all like what card carrying members of the ACLU was the joke. And they sent me. I was so excited. They know me. Right. Right. I'm just like the sucker waiting for the Palladium card. They sent me a fucking credit card size, beautiful ACLU membership card. And I thought it was so baller. I kept it in my wallet. It was so cool. Right. So now I'm the ACLU guy. You're a literal card carrying member of the ACLU. Literal card carrying member. Guess what? A year later, they're like, oh, yeah, we read out to your account. and it's like this little it's like less than paper

it's like the sticker that you remove from something is the new card

Maxoh yeah I got I know what you're talking about did you get this?

Merlinit's like a decal you'd put on your car window

Maxit's like a decal yeah I got that this year too I'm gonna have a word with them alright I have two can I promote can I promote some stuff quickly yes please now that you mentioned the ACLU

Merlinyeah tell me what are you excited about what's going on in your neck of the woods

Maxso I have three things to promote number one for listeners of the podcast you should probably know that we have a Patreon We do a second episode of Dubai Friday every week where we talk about our, well, this week Alex and Merlin are going to reveal their credit scores live on the air in the after

Merlinshow.

MaxAnd it costs only $5 a month. That's our premium feed. You can go to giveusyourfuckingmoney.com and find out about that. That's number one. Item number two, Cards Against Humanity. If you're in Chicago, we are bringing back our live show. You can come catch us on February 23rd at the Greenhouse Theater.

AlexNo, they can't. Is this a slate?

MaxIs this a slate? Oh, it's sold out? Oh, I thought I had to plug it. No, it's sold out in 24 hours.

AlexNever mind. I thought we had to... Wait, wait, wait. No.

MaxI thought I had to push tickets. Someone told me I had to push tickets.

AlexNo, no, no, no. Never mind.

MaxDon't come to that.

AlexGo fuck yourself. But go to cardsagainsthumanity.com slash Chicago, and you can sign up for our local mailing list. No, we don't need more people.

MaxWe already sold out. We're not using the other app. In the future. That's number two. And then number three, I am the... This year, I am the co-chair of the ACLU's fundraising, annual fundraising lunch. And that means I have to ask people for money. If you would like to join me in supporting the ACLU and raising a bunch of money for them. This is not public at the time that we're recording, but by the time the episode comes out, it will be. So you can go to—

MerlinCan we get a link for show notes?

MaxYes. There'll be a link in the show notes, or you can go to my website, which is maxessentialism.com. If you're in Chicago, hit me up on Twitter if you want to come to the lunch, and I will send you information on getting a table for yourself or your company. It is fully tax-deductible. I probably don't need to tell people who listen to the show how good the ACLU is but They're really sticking their thumb right in Trump's eyes. Can you talk to somebody about getting me a better fucking card? Can you can you put a no I'm serious? I will I actually will bring that up with the next time I talk to someone

MerlinOkay, I don't be a dick about it

MaxBut I mean I feel like the kind of that's a that's a signature thing that the ACLU does is that you get the cards get nicer every

MerlinYear, I feel like rather than degrading You know, there's that thing where like you turn on your Comcast and you get a real good signal for a minute And then it slowly degrades over time as a way to say bandwidth I feel like they're doing that to me psychically So like if you could get me like a more baller card every year

MaxMaybe it's just like It's like how do people pick which charity lunch to attend It's the one that gives you the heaviest card Okay

MerlinYou know what that's a good point Anything else you want to promote Max?

MaxAre they thinking Are people going like oh is it the Charity Navigator score Is it the important work that they do Protecting women's access to reproductive health Here in Illinois Way to the card You can't send people a fucking flimsy ass windshield decal

MerlinIt's bullshit, man. It's like a sticker that doesn't have sticker on it.

MaxYeah. It's the worst.

MerlinFucking ACLU. I don't know why I'm helping these people.

MaxPatreon.

MerlinGive us your fucking money.com.

MaxYou will not be receiving any card. You get nothing.

MerlinYes, you there. Alexander. Alexander, are you having a nice Ash Wednesday?

Alexday did you get your forehead done i did there's always a conflict for real yeah but but here's the thing um as most people know well no most people don't know you listen to this show you don't watch it i when i'm stressed out i tend to like puff like play with my hair no actually no not just when i'm stressed anytime ever and uh that's my secret i'm always stressed yeah yeah it's just always my hair looks the same way anyway um but i can't about my podcast until

Merlinlike on ash face everybody likes yours better fuck you okay so uh anyway alex it's wednesday and you're stressed out so you're rubbing off your jesus cross no i wasn't i wasn't stressed

Alexbut like uh i noticed uh i was my hand was all dirty and i'm like i'm not reading a newspaper oh oh um and then it's my they were very thick ashes so my forehead was quite dark and i'm like I was like, do I wash this off? And so I just kind of smeared it more. And so now there's a bunch of ash deep in my pores. And you can't really see it.

MerlinDid you see? I want to come back to this. But I'm curious on Twitter or elsewhere. Did you see Mick Mulvaney this morning?

AlexNo.

MaxYeah, it looked like his exoskeleton was peeling away from his face.

MerlinWell, he has a real. I mean, OK. So first of all, good for him. He went and got the ashes. It's real dark and real crossy. And now I'm just standing by waiting for the report that Donald Trump is mad that he had dirt on his head. I'm going to go ahead and put a stake in the ground here. By the time this comes out, there will be a report from inside the White House about how Donald Trump thought he looked dirty on TV. It's real serious. He's got a big cross. Did you see it, Alexandra?

AlexYeah, I'm looking in now.

MaxDid you guys see the story about Steve Mnuchin's sad, hot wife? Yeah. I like that outfit, too.

MerlinIt's a good outfit. It's not a popular opinion, but I thought it was a really nice outfit.

MaxApparently she's sad about all the false friends out there on social media and that people are mean to her and her husband. And there was like a whole lifestyle piece about how upset she was that people made me.

MerlinBetween that and Quincy Jones, it's been a good week for like, should you really have said that interviews?

MaxWhat can you explain? I kind of miss the Quincy Jones thing. They were talking about it on GabFest this morning.

MerlinBasically, he's a guy with no more fucks to give. And a part of the fun of an interview like that, I'm cribbing from GabFest, which I always listen to as I'm preparing for this. Part of the fun of that is like, is he a reliable narrator? Is he just telling a story? Like, does he actually think the Beatles couldn't play their instruments? Like, does he actually think that Michael Jackson is a plagiarist? But like, it was a very silly interview that I think you have to take with a grain of salt. People were way more amused and entertained by it than I was. Like, I thought it was a bit of a, I mean, he was kind of like taking the piss a little bit.

AlexIsn't he like a villain to most people? I'm like, no, no, people like him.

MaxYou might be thinking of Phil Spector.

AlexI don't know anything.

MaxIsn't Ann Perkins from Parks and Rec, isn't that his daughter? Yes. Oh.

MerlinThe daughter with Peggy Lipton from the Mod Squad, who was my first crush. Brady's Bits. Peggy Lipton. Peggy Lipton. Let's look at pictures of Peggy Lipton.

MaxI just re-watched almost all of The Office. If Peggy Lipton would wear that Mnuchin lady outfit. The American one. The British one is, I mean, I watch it and I think it's brilliant and funny.

MerlinBritish Parks and Rec? What are you talking about?

MaxThe British office. Oh, yeah. But it is a little cruel. Like, it's not something I want to re... It's not like a place I want to go back to. It's so much better.

MerlinIt's different, but it's so dry.

MaxRight.

MerlinIt's so dry.

MaxIt was really revolutionary when it came out, and now when I go back to revisit it, it mainly feels kind of mean to me. Really? Wow. I mean, I'm not like dragging it. It's just not a – it's like I loved it when I watched it the first time and I don't ever need to see it again.

MerlinIt's definitely very awkward. Racial.

MaxI do like – Based on factors. Do you guys ever watch Extras?

AlexOh, yes.

MaxExtras is very funny. Extras holds up – I think Extras holds up better than The Office, the British Office. By that time, I've seen everything. I've seen everything.

AlexMerlin, I want to know about your – I'm looking at Peggy Lipton. Not doing it for me.

MaxShe looked like the doctor? Let me see.

AlexNot doing it for me. Just a blonde lady.

MaxWow. That's a picture of Rashida Jones.

AlexWait, wait, wait. No, no, no. No, no, no. See? See? There's a bunch. There's a bunch.

MaxGoogle. What's her name? Peggy Lipton. Google young Peggy Lipton. That's your problem.

AlexOh, that's. No, no, no. Okay. They're black and white photos of. What year, Merlin? I'm not going to say. Yeah, no. Same. I'm out of this conversation. Same stuff. Same stuff. I want to be excluded from this narrative. She's very attractive.

MerlinI don't harsh on your questions. You crush on one of the worst people. You crush on one of the five worst people alive right now.

AlexYeah. I want a ball gag. I was four years old, Alex.

MerlinI was three years old, and I had a crush on a blonde lady, and you're harshing on it. That is really.

AlexI'm sorry. No, she's very. I'm glad that I'm the person on this podcast critiquing a wolf. Max, did you have a first crush? Was it a Star Trek lady?

MaxYeah, Google. Do you have that Google thing still open? Yes. Google 1997 Denise Richards. oh god yes yes those eyebrows oh my god i was an early i just want to say i was i just want to say i was an early adopter of denise richards as being hot i saw her in starship troopers and i proclaimed her as hot she used to be in magazines she was like a model lady yeah but i oh yeah i found her i yeah i had photographs of her but uh but then she was in like a bond movie and stuff and everyone agreed that she was hot but i was early i was early to that party starship troopers

AlexYou guys seen that movie? No, I've not. You've never seen Starship Troopers? It feels like a boy movie. I don't know.

MaxIt's like one of those things like Animal House. This is the challenge. Okay. So Starship Troopers is by Paul Verhoeven who made RoboCop. Problematic. Wait. He's problematic.

MerlinOh, he's super problematic. Who is he? Why? Is he really? Anybody who was traumatized by the Nazis is going to make some weird movies. Okay. Well, I guess I don't know the weird-

Speaker AWell, he's a Dutch. He's a Dutch.

MerlinIsn't he?

AlexWhat does that mean? He enjoys bad cookies? I don't know what that means. Wooden shoes? Yeah, he's got his problematic clogs.

MaxWhat's going on? He loves windmills. I love windmills. So I think RoboCop is like a great and enduring movie. The original RoboCop is a great and enduring movie because it's like part good action movie. And it was earnestly, I think, received as like a good, like, what was it? Like late 80s action movie. But also it's like biting social commentary. I think like all the corporate stuff and that design that the design of that ed robot that falls over

yeah but it's it's such a it's such a send-up of like reagan business era and like that whole era of like industrial design and fashion and everything like it's and I think that gets lost in the thread of like also that that's a good action movie and starship troopers in my reading of that film is an equally brilliant social satire.

MerlinIs it ultimately about xenophobia?

MaxIt's about a lot of things. No, it's about the American movie-watching audience, I think, is mainly what it's about. But it fails as an action movie. It's so... It's so... Is it pretty campy? Oh, my God. It's so campy and so goofy, and the action is so over-the-top, and it's so gross, and there's gratuitous nudity and all that. And I think people took it earnestly the same way they took RoboCop, and the movie fails in that way, but I still love it. I'm totally thrilled by that movie and I think it's brilliant.

It's really divisive. Film people have really different opinions.

MerlinI feel like that's absolutely accurate. There are people who just unironically love it and other people who are like it's the most dangerous kind of trash.

MaxYeah. Well, it is the most... It's both and that's part of the satire. It is the thing that it's... That's the kind of satire that I like is when you fearlessly inhabit the thing that you want to make fun of. Like the Ricky Gervais office, right? That show is hard to watch because he fearlessly... That's the difference between the British and the American version is Ricky Gervais is really inhabiting that character and letting you see him for all of his flaws. In the American office, there's a kind of cowardice of like, we're going to redeem these characters

by the end of every episode.

AlexYeah.

MaxRight.

AlexThis is one of those things where I know that I'm going to go watch it and have a very strong opinion that is either completely agreeing with everything you say. We're definitely going to watch it because it's going to be my next challenge.

MerlinIt's so good. Okay, stop. Peanut butter, stop. I'm getting terrible pseudo-robot voice from you guys. Is it me or you? Are you hearing me okay? Yeah, I hear you okay. So it's probably us. You're dropping out and getting wibbly-wobbly.

All made of stars. I would prefer not to have that. Let's reboot. We already have latency issues where we lose the rhythm of the conversation, which drives me insane. I hate the fact that, I hate when we say something at exactly the same time and then it sounds like I'm saying it half a second later. It drives me nuts. Boy, Phil Spector had some great

Maxhair. Look at that hair. Boy, I hate when we say something at exactly the same time and then it sounds like a... Yeah, so look at that. Are you

Merlinexploring Phil Spector, Alex?

AlexNo, I'm, no, I pay attention to this show.

MerlinNormally. Have you, well, you just added it to notes.

AlexI'm just getting ahead of the curve. No, I have not.

MerlinYou should go look at pictures of Phil Spector.

AlexOh, that sure is a mustache.

MerlinYeah, but the hair. I appreciate the hair.

AlexOh, oh, oh, okay, okay. I'm seeing it now. Let me see. Yep, yep. Oh, God.

MerlinIt's all different varieties because it's all fake. It's all fake, but it's gotten more outlandish over the years.

AlexWait, wait, wait. This is a man who chose this look?

MerlinYeah, this is a bald man, and that is fake hair that he chose to have in court.

AlexOkay.

MerlinNow, keep going, though, because he's got a whole bunch. He's got one. He's got a little bit of a shag at one point. He's got a kind of Tommy Wiseau going on at one point. He's got a lot of excellent looks.

AlexThe one where he's bald and smiling.

MerlinWith the hearing aids? There's one where he looks like Moloch from Watchmen. It's kind of upsetting. Oh, gosh.

AlexI want to hear about the mystery pill you took this morning. Oh, wait. Oh, yeah. Hold. Sidebar. No, you were both very selfish and did not ask me about my first crush, which was Emma Watson. The end. Mystery pill. Problematic.

MaxFrom what?

AlexProblematic. Okay. She and I are the same age I was watching.

MaxYou're still a pervert. You're still a pervert.

MerlinRead it in the fucking book, bitch.

MaxIt's very problematic to sexualize.

AlexYes.

MerlinMy God, do you know how they fixed her up for the movie? She's supposed to have real tangled hair. You know what? God.

MaxOh, yeah. Plus, I made her white when J.K. Rowling said that in the books she was clearly black.

AlexDumbledore was definitely gay the whole time.

MaxJ.K. Rowling's... Yeah. She recently said...

MerlinShe was originally a small person from the Pacific Islands who was trans fluid.

MaxAnd she talked to the rock.

MerlinRight.

MaxI saw I accidentally clicked on the Twitter moments tab the other day. And the story that popped up was J.K. Rowling says there was at least one Jewish wizard at Hogwarts.

Speaker AStop talking. You're making it worse.

MaxStop. Wait a minute. I have a... Hang on a second, Alex. I have a bone to pick. I have a bone to pick about this Emma Watson situation. Some time ago, we wrote a Cards Against Humanity card that was like how wrong it is to sexualize Hermione Granger.

Speaker ANo, no, no, no, no, no, no. You're making it worse. Don't do it. Don't do it. No, it's a good card. Okay, well... No, he's just asking a question. He's just asking a question.

MaxA lot of people in this office got mad at that card and they said, we can't publish that. and we said why can't we publish that we're saying it's wrong we're saying how wrong it is

Merlini think this has gotten cut out of previous episodes so max please tell us about the emma

Alexwatson card that almost was what is the text of the card no it's i think i played it it's in the

Maxgame what is it it's how wrong it is to sexualize hermione granger but it didn't it never got into

Alexthe game wait really oh maybe it was a play test and i thought and where were you just asking the

Maxquestion we said it was wrong in the card and people got mad at us and i'm not in the writer's room i don't know it wasn't in the writer's room there's other people in the company got mad and

Merlinsaid you can't make that joke yeah i don't know we're saying it's a question it's literally just a question we're saying it's wrong conversations about this anymore yeah i think it's okay for

Alexanother 10 you know this is this is a controversial hot take but i think it's okay for one 10 year old to have a crush on another hollywood 10 year old who is a very smart wizard and could travel

Merlinthrough time she was so okay all right all right but like would you feel comfortable looking for sexy pictures of her when she was 10.

AlexWell, but that's the point, is I was not... Yeah, no, no, no, no. I'm not... Men are terrible and creepy.

MaxNo, but when you do it, it's cool. Yeah, right.

AlexWhen a 10-year-old... Okay, okay. Oh, this is actually a new thing that I was very... Are you familiar with standing?

MerlinUgh, yes.

AlexThis recently came into my lexicon. I'm shipping standing. And people liking this... I hate this generation so much. It's so gross. It's so gross. And the poor Stranger Things kids who are harassed and have to act like they're 35. Oh, man.

This is sad. I'm just, I'm done.

MerlinI'm a lipstick thespian.

MaxSo I'm a stan of Steve Mnuchin's sad hot wife.

MerlinIt's just hanging in her closet. It's toxic. She can't even wear it anymore. Hurts me too. Yeah. It's a good outfit. She gets sad whenever she puts her evil gloves on.

Speaker AI know.

MerlinTo touch the money. I'm sitting in my stamp collection. Oh, that poor bastard. He's just like, what goes through his mind? Like, what could possibly go through his mind?

MaxHe looks very hapless whenever he's in a picture.

MerlinHe looks like he's... He looks like the very thing, should I be standing somewhere else? Yeah, he never looks like he's like 100% sure of what room he's in.

MaxAm I supposed to be?

MerlinAh, your name is on the money. Your name is on the money, Stephen. You make a signature on all the money. It's on this money's and that money's. Your name is on all of the money's.

She goes into her Darth Vader chamber. So, first of all, I'm trying a new kind of caffeine. I have two new pills. I have two new pills that I'm deploying. One is I'm taking a new kind of science caffeine. It's a slow release. And I'm also trying a new, as part of the stack, I'm trying a different pill. And I wish I'm just starting today. This came up because you said this morning. How did it come up? We were talking about a pill challenge.

AlexI was very engaged in your other program, Roderick on the Line, where John Roderick talks about all the medications he's on and how difficult it is to find a bespoke pill case, which I, you know, that really resonates with me because about once a week, all my pills are at the bottom of my backpack and they're like covered in cat hair. Oh no.

My lamotrigine.

MaxOh no. So it's just a tumbleweed of pills and cat hair?

AlexIt's really sad. It's like just the picture of mental illness.

MaxThat's a little callback. Yeah, I know. I caught that.

AlexYes, I was. I thought we were just going to let it ride, but nope, nope. Got a ding. reference acknowledge your name is on all the monies well and the thing that John Roderick was talking about that really oh no you were about how

Maxis this the pill that someone sent to us on Twitter

AlexI'm asking Merlin

Maxwhere did you find out about this pill Merlin I don't remember might have been Twitter I think someone just sent us this pill on Twitter and you just ordered it and now you take it oh my god I'm just taking powders that people tell me to take on the internet

Speaker AI did that

Merlinholy shit I might have done that Yeah, you got Amazon Prime. Thea Cream. It's part of my stack now. It makes me cum so hard. Well, it is sold by a company called Double Wood LLC.

MaxDouble Wood Supplements. Yes! Yes! This is so good! Double Wood Supplements. I have to take them on account of my neurourethral. Don't play lawyer ball.

AlexHuppersine.

MaxThea Cream Depot. Oh my God, Merlin, it's a nootropic. This is the same thing that Alex Jones sells.

Speaker AOh. Oh, you want to really get it? Am I boosting my T? Alpha GPC.

MerlinYou know what? You guys don't deserve to hear my firsthand report. No, no, no, no. I was going to report to you live from the show floor, but now I've lost interest.

AlexI want to hear. I need to stop looking at Hermione Grandeur Pictures.

MaxAre you exceeding 400 milligrams per day?

MerlinNo, no. No, no. I'm taking an easy ramp in.

MaxBecause it says on there, don't exceed 400 milligrams per day, but I have it on good authority that to really get the results, you've got to hyper-stack it. Well, there's literally— You've got to turbo-stack it.

Speaker AYou want to really get in there and turbo-stack. You want to get in there and boost that.

MerlinYeah. No, no, no. Just took one. So far, so good. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

MaxI mean, this isn't really subject to any sort of FDA testing or approval, so as far as I can tell, the maximum dosage is— I mean, what is the FDA really? That's just an opinion of theirs.

MerlinWhat is the FDA really? I mean—

AlexI really like how the other product, Hooperzine, it says third party tested which is good oh great you know you can also tell this is real science

Merlinstuff because the label has a picture of a like a molecule yeah diagram oh wow this must be this

Maxmakes me think if i see a picture of a molecule on it here's the thing if i see a picture of like a pomegranate on it i basically think you know what this doesn't work but it's harmless because these people don't know what they're talking about and it's just uh it's just a fruit but if i see a picture of a molecule on it i'm like you know what these people know enough to be dangerous

Merlinplease please show this show this to your lady friend show this to your lady friend and ask her

Alexif this is anything please i'm literally texting her right now you are yeah is this molecule

Speaker Ais this anything

Maxis the depot made of theocrine yeah it's sold it's called is that the name of the company theocrine no no no double double wood no that's the seller on amazon but i think the name of the The manufacturer of the drug is called Theocrine Depot. And I was just thinking what a funny – what if you're just driving downtown and there was – you passed a store called Theocrine Depot.

AlexOh, no. It's Theocrine at the very bottom. There's tea, a little leaf. That would be a pretty – that's a pretty name for a girl.

MerlinAnd then my daughter, Theocrine. Theocrine, get in here.

Speaker AYou get your powders in this house right now. Theocrine.

MaxIs that problematic?

MerlinWho could say? Oh, it says here it's proven safe.

MaxMerlin, I think you should be safe. I think you should be safe. You should turn that into a joke about how wrong it would be to make that joke.

Speaker AIs it wrong? Is it wrong? Wait a minute.

MerlinHuh. I think I put an afro on an afro. I think I got this guy over here. We got no soup. It says here that it's proven safe and effective. Tea cream.

Speaker ATea cream.

MerlinIt's a potent energy-boosting supplement related to caffeine but more effective and non-habit forming. It says here it's non-toxic and has few side effects.

Maxoh you know this is all part of your so this is all part of your drive to wean yourself off of

Merlinuh coffee because the coffee was the coffee was no you misunderstand you misapprehend um you seek answers but you do not know the question uh i am i'm trying to i'm trying to get off the need to drink coffee every morning uh to feel like i'm doing a thing right and now you and now instead of well here's the podcast people get to know my fucking business when it

Maxdoesn't even matter but merlin here's the deal i get that this makes a lot of sense because coffee it's like you you go through your life and like who can find a coffee like you want to cough that's a big problem is like some mornings you wake up and you're like oh i need a coffee but where would i find a coffee it's such a rare and exquisite treat but now you take these theocrine pills and

Merlinthose are everywhere you get those anywhere on time i am on time for stuff max just for what it's worth you have no time for stuff no i'm on time for things you're on time well yeah yeah How's it going, Alex?

AlexI promise I'm not looking at pictures of Emma Watts. She's my age! Yes, that makes it okay.

MerlinYou know what? You are retroactively okay to look at pictures of her being a hot 10-year-old. No, no, no, no, no, no.

AlexPerks of being a wallflower. She was so, it was such a mediocre. Okay, since we're an accidental health podcast now, you've put in the notes here. Was that a mean joke?

MaxWait, are they talking about how hot they thought Emma Watson was on this episode?

AlexNo, I don't. Dig Dug. Merlin, why are you ditching your Fitbit?

MaxI want to go on record as saying that it's wrong to sexualize Hermione Green.

AlexThank you.

MaxThank you. I think a lot of people might be confused about where I stand on that issue. Thank you.

MerlinAnd I'm saying that someone finally had the courage to say it.

MaxI'm saying it's wrong. Thank you. I'm saying it's wrong. Thank you. Okay. So no one is allowed to get mad at me because I'm simply.

MerlinOh my God, you're so brave. Oh, gosh. Oh, my God. You know what? There's going to be so many people out there wearing diapers and dressed like Hermione Granger. Wah, wah. Max wants to save space. Wah, wah, wah. I just made a doodle in my Bastic. Yes, you there, Alexandra.

Speaker AWah, pulling the lips. Pulling the lips.

AlexI'm not allowed to laugh fairly on the show.

Speaker AI'm wearing a wig. I got a wig and crooked teeth.

MaxYeah, Alex, what is that laughter? What are you doing, a little Paul Schaefer character here?

MerlinWhat are you doing? You trying to be the next Jimmy Fallon? Look at this guy over here. What are you doing? You trying to be Jimmy Fallon? Is that Jimmy? What are you doing now? You're like the Jimmy Fallon of podcasts?

MaxIs that what you are now? Is that what you're going for? That's going to be so sad for this guy. So basically the story behind this. I assume that was a translation error. That had to be a translation error. Basically, this was a guy from Germany, and he sent us a tweet to the at Dubai Friday account, I think yesterday. And he said, hey, I just listened to my first episode of Dubai Friday, and Alex is super annoying, laughing all the time and everything. What is she trying to be? The Jimmy Fallon of podcasts? And I clicked on his and I clicked on his and I clicked on his profile and that's his only tweet. He's never tweeted before or since.

So he felt he listened to one episode. This is this guy's story. OK. He was like one of his friends podcasts. Well, yeah. One of the one of the one of his friends was like, you got to listen to the show do by Friday. He's like, OK, I'll check it out. Downloads the podcast, subscribes, listens. Doesn't like doesn't have chapters. Doesn't like Alex's laughter. Writes an email to the show. Writes a tweet to the show complaining about it. Next episode he listens to, we're making fun of him. We're putting him on blast.

MerlinOkay, I'm going into Simplecast and using the early beta preview of total downloads by Citi. I'm drilling into you fucking Germany. I'm going to find this guy.

MaxLet this be a lesson to any of our listeners. If you complain about any of our female hosts of Vocal Fry, we're putting you on blast. unless you're a $10 member at giveusyourfuckingmoney.com, in which case you can say anything you want

Merlinabout Hermione Granger. In which case, Hermione Granger will dress in a diaper and just jump on your stamp collection. That, by the way, that's actually with the Germans. Not very good. It's that kind of conversation that brings the Germans to the podcast. It brings all the Germans to the yard.

so did you hear anything back from veronica yes real-time follow-up the answer is just yes

Alexand then i remembered that veronica has a real job oh fuck it's a caffeine derivative oh my goodness yeah oh yeah there's molecules all over the place on the internet science site look

Maxat that wait so veronica said it's a caffeine derivative yes tell her max said happy valentine's I got you this HDMI switcher Well it's for both of us

MerlinBecause I know you like to switch inputs

Speaker AClick Click

MerlinHey honey you ever notice how there aren't that many HDMI parts on the TV

AlexWell happy Valentine's Day

MerlinAlright we should talk about our challenge

AlexOh no hold on hold on Are we up to that?

MerlinI don't even know what time it is What I wanted to say to you, Alexandra, is that I don't know if I'm totally right. You know, the thing is, I've owned probably three or four Fitbits since I got the Apple Watch because it just keeps falling apart and I need a new one. They're not very well made. The main reason I've been keeping the Fitbit, the two reasons, far and away, number one, it does automatic sleep tracking, which means if I take a nap when I go to bed, like it automatically does sleep tracking. And that's the main thing. How do it know?

I think it's a little bit Disney magic. You don't move. Well, it's looking for – well, we'll get to this in a second.

MaxWhat if that's after I eat a big meal?

MerlinI do kind of wonder about that. I think it's looking for a difference in heart rate, less movement. It's using some kind of combination of things that now is done totally fine by an Apple Watch app that I'll get to in a second. But I also like that it automatically detects if I'm walking more than 10 minutes, it counts it as a workout. I don't have to enter that manually, which I like. But the truth is, I mean, I've now been living with AutoSleep, the AutoSleep app for iPhone, for long enough that I've gotten past the redonkulous UI. We talked about this, Max. This is the app that's like a companion.

The same people who do your hard app make this sleep app. But you're not asleep with a watch on person, so it's probably not for you.

MaxI would do it. Is it AutoSleep?

MerlinYeah. Okay.

MaxSo I use AutoSleep. I use AutoSleep, but I just do the thing where I just – whenever I charge my phone, when I plug my phone in at night, That's approximately when I go to sleep.

MerlinOkay. Yeah, that works. You could also, if you charge your phone a little bit twice a day, this is an underscore David Smith trick. But like if you, if you take off your watch in the morning and charge it while you took a shower and get ready, put it back on, do your day. And then when you're, when you're home from work and mostly like cooking or something, like put it on the charge stand again and you'll be plenty good to sleep with it if you want.

MaxI, you know what? For the most part, I come home from work and I put my Apple watch on its charger because Because it's not really comfortable if I'm like lounging. I don't really want to.

MerlinPart of it is I'm just trying to make myself use it for more stuff. I've got the fanciest newest one and it is very capable.

MaxSo I'm trying to just make myself. Okay. All right. I have so many questions. And by the way, we don't have time for this this week. But I'm doing a bunch of home automation stuff. Yay!

AlexWow. That was an interesting noise.

MaxIt's kind of.

MerlinIt's going to be fun to watch you do that while avoiding the entire. Avoiding the entire Hugh's family of products.

MaxThe North remembers. Hugh can suck my balls. Let me tell you this. Listen to everyone.

MerlinWell, they'll suck your balls so much better than that other bullshit you're using.

MaxNo, let me tell you something. The best... Listen, you guys have sent me down the wrong road with home automation. The way to start is not smart light bulbs. Smart light bulbs are awful. The way to start with home automation is smart light... Also hate Les Mis. Listen to me. The way to start with home automation is smart light switches. It's the switch. They go in the wall. You never have to charge them or worry about them. They just always work. And what's cool is like – so basically in my office, like my little like cave that I built for myself, I have all my lights and like the ceiling lights and stuff on dimmer switches that are smart switches.

And I can use a voice assistant so I can go, okay, Siri, turn the lights off. Or I can even do different scenes. I made if to rule. So I can say – or I think Google has this one where you can go like, hey, Google, put movie lights, put the movie lights on, and it dims them appropriately. It's really cool.

MerlinIt is cool. It is cool. I also use an app called – these have all gotten better. But now you can also have functionality around sunrise and sunset where you don't have to change it manually. That's come a long way.

MaxYou can do that with if-ta-ta-ta or – so the ones I'm –

MerlinYou know me also does that.

MaxSo the ones I'm putting in my house are the Lutron brand of smart dimmer switches, and they're HomeKit compatible, and they work with every smart assistant. And they're a little bit costly, but unlike the bulb, you put them in once and they work forever.

AlexAh.

MerlinMm-hmm.

MaxAnd they don't need any fucking wiggle.

MerlinYeah, so how long have you had those installed, Max?

Speaker AJust to check, and we covered this a few weeks ago.

MerlinHow long have you definitely had that installed and using it? Like a month.

Speaker AMm-hmm.

MerlinOkay. Why? All right. You've had it installed and using it actively for a month. Yeah. Why?

AlexHey, Merlin, have you ever heard of the Philips Hue switch? I prefer the Zigbee family of products.

MaxThat way you don't have to deal with the light bulb. Here's the thing with the Philips Hue switch. It's an extra switch that you glue to the wall. Do you see what I'm saying?

AlexI rest an apartment. I can't take things. You absolutely can. You just need a screwdriver. It's so easy. Max, you know those lovely house, the house prints that you got me one year for Christmas? Yeah. My landlord came in and was like, those can't be on the wall. And I also had them on command strip. And he watched as I took all of them down.

MaxOh, I know.

Speaker AWhat are you talking about?

MaxYour landlord said you can't hang a painting in your apartment that you rent?

AlexYou can if it is not in a frame. But if it's in a frame, it can fall and damage the floor. Even though we've lived here.

MerlinHe's going to be responsible for that. Oh, no. This is a very real issue.

Maxlandlord coming into your apartment and making comments about your paintings i've home paint i've like fucking repainted and installed nest thermostats in every apartment i've ever lived in and no one ever said anything and i got my security deposit my house is not compatible with

Merlina nest thermostat so uh what i do is i sleep you sleep with the watch on the nice thing about this is what i want to tell you about alex this is a very exciting thing are you using auto sleep uh

Alexno i'm using sleep watch not for any particular reason just because i there's something i just

MerlinThe UI for auto sleep is so weird, but they do the greatest thing in there. It's such a hack, but it's so fucking great. In settings, you go in and you click on, it's not called sensitivity, but under advanced settings, you can click and it says, okay, here's 10 different options for how you slept last night. From the most conservative, like you barely slept at all, to the most egregiously overdone, like, oh, you slept a solid 12 hours or whatever. Pick the one of these that is the closest but more conservative of how you actually slept last night.

So when you get into the 4, 5, 6 area between 1 and 10, you'll find the one where you're like, okay, that one's definitely too liberal. That one's way too conservative. This one, it's just about right. You click that one, and it adjusts across the board for your new setting. Does it do it retroactively? Fitbit basically has sleep sensitivity on or off, and that's it. but like if you wake up and you're like i feel like i slept better than that last night like you can go in and say yeah this is how i slept last night speaking really cool uh speaking of

Alextoo liberal just went on the app store to get this and uh for today they have swipe right for true love and there are two old men cuddling on a couch and uh i think i think they're implying that these they are in a homosexual relationship why is that also look at there's like pills Is that an abacus?

MaxIs that gelt? Yeah, why is there a framed picture of two? Oh, is that them?

MerlinThat's them when they're young. Oh, I see. Was it Bitcoin? What are they doing? They got a pen and an abacus and some Bitcoin? What is this?

AlexI have no idea.

MerlinThe app is muted. He's got the little... What is happening in this image?

Speaker AIs this the NSA?

MerlinI think this is the NSA sending a message to someone.

MaxIt says, swipe right for true love. Tales of couples who found more than romance on Tinder. What more than romance can you find on Tinder? is it felching is that the word for it um swipe right for true love good for them they found like

Merlina bone marrow match we found a new way to bone down

Alexmax it was your challenge wait whose challenge was it dig dug someone help merlin uh merlin's No, it was a collaborative challenge last week. That's true. Yes. If you want to hear how we pick our challenges, you can go to giveusyourfuckingmoney.com and pledge and you'll get a whole second show every week. Did I do that right?

MerlinLoaded with tea cream. The challenge was, what was the challenge? Oh, the challenge was get a haircut. Yep.

AlexGreat radio.

MerlinWe got, what a great radio challenge. We had some angles to it, but the idea was you were getting a haircut and, you know, that was mostly it. I didn't really sell it. Somebody else do it better than me. Okay. Three, two, one.

Alexso at the time it felt like a really i a really good idea max was like oh get a different haircut i'm like oh okay because normally i just you know walk to my super cuts and i'm like i just do the thing um but i i thought okay i'll i'll give myself a treat and go to a nice little salon um so i had my friend i was literally just like can you make an appointment for me here's my calendar that was you and cara right yeah uh former former renee cara wait a minute why did

you have cara book you a haircut because i don't know where to go or what to do i don't i see i

Maxdon't know how to girl i really don't do you bring in a picture of a 10 year old emma watson give me that give me this you man you should leave uh all right so why are you coughing are you sick

Alexwhat's going on you sick i don't think so oh do you have the flu are you getting the flu do you feel like you might be getting the flu no no no um i think it's because it's warm and like my

Maxallergies are kicking in i'm definitely going to get the flu and i know how i'm going to get it too which is Veronica's going to get it from her students and then I'm going to get it from her.

AlexI always thought that once people got into college, the whole spreading of sickness would stop, but it's the exact opposite. Does she teach undergrads?

MaxShe teaches undergrads.

AlexOh, no. Because they're just all up in each... Ugh. Anyway. They're all carriers.

MaxI told her, I was like, you should have your students line up before they can come into the classroom. They should have to line up and wash their hands. twice and you should supervise to make sure they're doing it and they're using hot water and she was like i can't she's like that's demeaning that's what college is for make them go under what i would do right yeah yeah yeah i really don't want to get the flu i did get a flu hey i finally get a flu shot so no peanut butter on that did and you you felt sick right after right yeah i got a that's right i got a fever right afterwards yeah they

Alexyeah well that means that means you definitely got the flu no the exact opposite that means the vaccine worked yeah that was that was a joke that felt yes yes all right people do say that though

Maxthey like oh you got the flu shot and then you get the flu yes no you don't crazy people do i don't

Alexthink that's accurate no it's not it's not it is i don't understand why people think that it's not

Maxpossible it's insane and i i i know i'm gonna get the flu and i really and i'm really anxious about it and i really don't want to get the flu i feel like there might be some confusion on this point because some people might think that maybe i want to get the flu yeah because you say it so much

Merlinyou know it's like don't throw me in the briar pouch but what you're saying if i understand correctly is you're saying you do not want to get the flu okay i really don't want to get it

Maxdo you want to get it a little bit i'm not i'm not no i mean part of me thinks it might be i'm almost academic i don't think i don't know if i've ever had the flu before so i'm almost like academically curious as to like exactly how miserable i would be but you're a little curious

Speaker Aaren't you you're a little curious but i don't want to get the flu oh no because like people

MaxSome people get sick for two weeks with the flu. And they're really sick. Some people die.

AlexOh, they die.

MerlinThey totally die.

AlexYes. And then you get pneumonia, and then you get a sinus infection because your immune system's low. But you should just get a touch of it. Why am I making the Merlin noise this week? Maybe because I don't want to let. It's a good noise. It's a very good noise. I think my Tina Belcher noise and my Marge Simpson and Lisa Simpson noise have kind of all started like going, like morphing together.

MaxSpeaking of the Lisa Simpson noise, do you remember the episode of Lisa Needs Braces? Dental plan. Dental plan. Do you know that episode?

MerlinThey have the plan, but we have the power.

MaxCan you, Alex, you've seen that episode of The Simpsons?

AlexMany, many, many, many times.

MaxGive us the CliffsNotes. What's the plot of that episode? That's a very good episode.

AlexOkay. So Homer is elected, voted. I don't know. he's in charge he's chosen to be the leader of the union at the power plant and so in i believe he wants more donuts or like free beer and in exchange they get uh they have to give up their dental plan and so they go i don't know why this is happening i'm very nervous uh but then it turns it turns out lisa needs braces um and so because because they don't have a dental plan they get it

She gets a terrible headgear, and then Homer... Don't get it wet.

MaxYeah, that's good enough. Do you remember now... Did you see the story about the Tesla employees at the auto plant trying to unionize?

AlexYes. Oh, God. It's so bad.

MaxNo, tell me. Tell me. Tell me.

AlexIt's so bad. Okay. So Tesla workers were trying to unionize, and then...

MaxThe factory workers.

AlexThe factory workers, and then Elon Musk...

MaxThey were trying to join UAW.

Alexwas like, well, what if I install a roller coaster with Roadsters as the carts on the roller coaster?

MerlinWasn't he also offering, was it soft serve? Yeah, it was also frozen yogurt. He's literally offering soft serve and roller coaster.

MaxDental player.

MerlinLisa needs soft serve.

MaxIt's literally the plot. It's literally the plot of the Simpsons episode.

MerlinThis is one of those things where it's fun to be a parent and hear a story. And you go, oh, that's fun. That's fun. So if a tree falls on my kid, we can take her on the roller coaster. That would be cool. Oh, that's fun. Because, you know, when you're a millennium, you just go, oh, fucking hey, I like some soft-serving roller coasters. You're like, oh, okay. All right.

AlexOkay. Hey, haircut.

MerlinMaybe we can let you retire on the roller coaster.

MaxOne more. Alex, I bet that all of your problematic crushes, I bet that Elon Musk and Emma Watson, I bet they go to those

AlexThey're like the top of the list

MaxDo you know those like What's that thing where they go They've set the owl on fire in the woods

AlexOh the Owls Jones thing

MerlinYeah what is that The Teddy bear picnic

MaxI bet they go to I bet they go to Yeah Bohemian Grove I bet they go to that Bohemian Grove shit together

MerlinIs this slash fiction Is that what this is called You're saying

AlexYou're saying

Max10 year old Emma Watson

AlexNo No No No No

MaxNo She's not 10 anymore But she's like an Illuminati Jazz break

AlexSo I You know what We're gonna to normally i take notes on stories and then they're not good stories so i'm just just gonna go on the fly here i went to a very nice salon salon 1800 uh in in bucktown and uh where i i don't where is it i don't i cara drove me i was looking at my phone i don't uh uh by warby parker

Maxlike that so so like oh on armitage yeah so kind of wicker park that's whatever neither that's

Alexlincoln park wait no no no no no no the other one no no no no no there's two work yes there There are now two Warby Parkers. How could there be two Warby Parkers? Both of them are next to a Lush, I believe. It's very funny. Excruciating. Warby Parker, Chicago. Oh, is it on Damon? I think so. By the Chipotle? Okay, so the... Oh, my God. No, it's on... Wait, I don't... Okay, anyway. So I'm going...

MaxIs it by the three... Real Philly cheesesteak?

AlexThat's not a Philly cheesesteak.

Speaker AI'll tell you about a Philly cheesesteak.

MaxIs that by the three... Oh, is that a whacker?

MerlinIs it by the three...

MaxThe Michigan wishing a whacker? Is it by the three press juice places that consecutively open and close in the last nine months.

AlexAll right. Now I'm realizing, though, that afterwards we went to this classic shitty bar, Stanley's, which is indeed in Lincoln Park, so I think I was in Lincoln Park. Anyway, I went and I sat down, and normally, I think we've talked about this, I typically lie to hairstylists and Lyft and Uber drivers. Oh, you went to stay?

MaxI know where that bar is. I've been scared to go in that bar my entire life because I think I'd get bullied.

AlexYeah. Well, Kara, you know, she's a sports person.

MaxThere's big TVs in there.

AlexThere are.

MaxAnd they show sports.

AlexNo, no, no. Don't go to Borg for TVs. Lifehack, they have a dining room in the back that kind of looks like a, it's like a cozy, like a diner type of place. And it, and the TVs are smaller. There's no, it's, there's not anything like blaring. And we watched cross country skiing, which is real hilarious. God bless America. Okay. So I'm sitting in the chair and I did not lie to him. I said, he goes, you know, like, what are we doing today? And I said, I have to get a different haircut for a podcast.

So can I have a haircut that looks like a nice Justin Bieber? And then there's about five seconds of silence. And I said, cool lesbian haircut. And then we proceeded. And I feel like I got a fine hair. It's far too cool. Like, it's a good haircut. It's the same haircut I have. Yeah. it's a little wait i didn't i haven't even looked yeah oh god no no mine's a little i got the kind of i i almost said like can i put like my initials in the side of my head but i don't like shaved in the side but i didn't know if that was like a gang you have more of the the undercut uh yeah yeah

exactly that's the that's the cool um the cameron esposito thing but but short did you know you sent a live photo of you and kara uh probably i don't turn it off because i don't have balls it's really fun to watch you guys are such dorks

Merlinwhere do I find it? I gotta scroll back up. Double thumbs up. And she's like, I'm looking at myself. I'm looking at the phone. I'm looking at myself. I'm looking at the phone. Yeah. And it just loops and loops and loops. And you look insane.

AlexOh, no, no, no. I sent a GIF of it on purpose because the live photo was so ridiculous.

MaxOh, it's so good.

AlexOh, look at that. It is moving. Yeah.

MaxHow did you do that?

AlexOh, Lively in the app store. It's kind of a janky app, but you can make live photos into GIFs. I'm sure there's a middle of those. Kara looks nice. Yes. Is she nice? Kara is very nice. Yeah, so we...

MaxWhich one? Live.ly? Lively fun group video? Lively. Live.me? Lively. Lively create your own gift.

AlexMaybe. I can't type now.

MaxI have to double click to install.

AlexNo. Good. No. No, no, no, no, no. That's not how iOS works. Hold on. Hold on. This is...

MerlinSend me a picture of your credit card. I'll get it.

AlexYeah. um but i i have to say i've never uh like this this guy the guy who was cutting my hair really got that i did not want to talk or have much interaction um but and it was just it was nice i i thought that i would not enjoy having my head shampooed i was wrong that is great have you literally never had your head shampooed i did as like a kid when my mom would take me get like fancy haircuts, but I was always like, I don't like, I, that's the thing.

I was always like, I feel very strange about me. Maybe because, um, the person doing my hair, it looks like Emma Watson. I'm like, this seems wrong. Um, but this guy, it was like getting a little massage that was baked in to the price of getting a haircut. And then it seemed way more reasonable. So I might go this time. I may change my lifestyle and go get.

MerlinGood for you. I'm excited to hear this.

MaxMerlin, I feel like you're very inquisitive about our haircuts, and I've noticed that you haven't said anything about yours.

MerlinWell, fuck you guys, because I totes did it. My operator had hand surgery, and so I haven't been able to go. I was supposed to go in—last time I was there was November. I was supposed to be there in December and is now in the middle of February. Hello. So I went in. I went in yesterday morning. I sat in front of her door waiting for it to open, and I was her first. customer and I got a trim which I never get. My family has told me I should grow my hair long

Alexone more time. What does what does long mean in this context? Well I don't know I haven't had

Merlinanything like long hair since 1990. Oh my. Really. I mean I used to have like pretty much shoulder length hair in college and then I had kind of weird French boy cut when I was leaving college but I mean no I've had a little bit long on top. Oh look at that precious angel who is that? Is that Captain Janeway?

AlexOh, what a cutie. You have heated bathroom floors, don't you? Oh, yes. That is the blitzed out face of a heated bathroom floor.

Speaker AOh, look at that. This is so cute.

AlexLook, I've earned a new trick. Oh, lively. Lively.

MerlinAnd so I went in and I asked for Trim. She told me about her surgeries. And we had a nice conversation. She told me. And really, really excruciating. She showed me the scars. Talked about the nerves.

MaxDid she cut only one side of your head? She couldn't tell.

MerlinSo again, kind of an operator aphasia. She keeps covering her right eye and then uncovering it. Like, what? That would be a funny bit. That would be a funny bit. A hair operator where they didn't know they were cutting just one half of your head, but she kept going anyway because she felt bad. So I got a trim. I still look like homeless Steve Bannon, but yeah, I got a trim.

MaxGet a little blood on the collar.

MerlinThat's photoshopped. Are you sure that one was Photoshopped, Max?

MaxYeah, I'm sure. Shit. Because I saw the original. Someone was like, I saw on Twitter, someone was like, here's the original. And it was Photoshopped.

MerlinOh, man, that sucks. Why can't I have that?

MaxIt's amazing that it's plausible. Because I saw it and I was like, holy shit. I was like, this is fucking crazy. He's going full harcooning. I didn't question it at all. I feel like. I saw two fake. Let me tell you something, guys. I got taken in by two fake news this week. And the problem was they were real news stories from reputable news places. Oh, no. But the story was like five years old. So when I clicked on it, it was from like 2012. So there was one that was going around. I don't know if you – you might have seen this one, Alex. Everyone was posting like, oh, like CPD is going to start clearing dibs next week.

Did you see that? A lot of people were posting it on Twitter. That article was from 2012. And it's crazy because I've learned now. I've trained myself like check the byline, check the website URL to make sure it's not weird.

MerlinA lot of them seem like they're deliberately obfuscating when something was posted.

MaxWell, so I think it's part of, okay, if I had to speculate on something that I don't know anything at all about, but here's my try anyway. It's that basically these publications, like, so, like, if you think of, like, the CMS for the Chicago Tribune, it's kind of optimized for their, like, evergreen list articles. Like, for example, best brunch spots in Chicago, right? Or, like, top, you know, theaters where you can drink in Chicago or whatever. and they don't want to date on that because you might not use their list if you can see that it's from 2016 that's a really good point but it's such a good problem is like when you optimize for that

stuff that's going to get the clicks like you lose the integrity of the news which is like

Merlini don't want to see information about police activity that's five years old and you run into this on on political twitter we're like i don't want to name names but there's like a handful of people that are just like fucking so my god the axios guy he just he posts like 14 links over and over and then retweets for every fucking thing that he posts like jugg legum or whatever his

Maxname is same deal oh judge legume he jug legume the bean boy he'll do like six tweets in a farmer

Merlinturned uh twitter personality good for him but he'll do like six tweets in a row that like he's obviously just doing some kind of like seo where it's like here's six tweets about the same length and you'll retweet the one that you agree with i guess it's habit i think it's habit and here's

Maxthe thing if they're i bet they're encouraged to well here's the thing so if i am pretty sure i know what the deal is with this uh because do you notice that you do see that on your on the political twitter list but you do not see that in your timeline okay i don't you know i think i've

Merlinseen i've seen you do it a couple times because i think you were experimenting yes that as a technique and i felt like it was an interesting experiment that i've considered just for fun

Maxwell i do that occasionally okay well well hang on no it's not a criticism if i tweeted more i

Merlinwould try it it's just that i don't tweet enough that it wouldn't just be really fucking so okay

Maxso i in my on my okay on your timeline the timeline is filtered you don't see every tweet in your timeline in chronological order and i think if some crazy person i think what you're worried about if you're a journalist or you're trying to really reach an audience with a link is like if i just post this to my timeline people won't see it so they try six different ways with different configurations and hashtags and whatever and i'm sorry to be such a complete rube here you're

Merlintelling me I'm it's like a Facebook style I don't see everything did you not did you really not know that I honestly really did I thought that was a face no no Twitter's been doing this for a long time I think I've got a special account people see all kinds of shit on Twitter I don't see ads and I don't see the random stuff I don't see ads I don't see ads on Twitter I don't see that's probably well no I mean I'm not sure that's not what I'm trying to say what I'm trying to say is when people talk about these things it just it sounds crazy to me like I don't people keep talking about Twitter keeps giving me all these things out of order like Instagram or whatever And it's like, I don't, what are you talking about?

MaxI don't get that at all. Well, do you use a third party app that might be part of it as well?

MerlinNo, no. I primarily use the Twitter.

MaxWhen you go on the Twitter app, do you not see the thing that's like while you were away?

MerlinNo, I see in case you missed it. I click see, see less often. It doesn't matter. But I see that once every like three days.

MaxOkay. I'm telling you it's, it's filtered and out of order. The new thing I've been seeing is like, here's tweets from people you don't follow that all your friends liked.

MerlinAre you seeing that?

MaxYeah.

MerlinI also, other people say, oh, what is all this bullshit of showing what, just showing me what other people favorited. I do not see that.

MaxYou know what I don't like is sometimes also I here's what I see pop onto my timeline like over the last couple of weeks when they're doing this. Like here's what your friends like is I see some some 22 year old streamer, a picture of her who posted a selfie. And then I and then I'm like, all your friends liked it. And I'm like, who the fuck like this? And it's a bunch of horny old men. It's a bunch of 40 year old men who are faving. and they're like, you know, they're doing their like, they're like weird, like, yeah, I'm not afraid to like a selfie of this like Twitch streamer that I like.

MerlinWhat do they call that? On main?

MaxWhat do they call that? Yeah, they're horny on main.

MerlinHorny on main, there you go.

MaxBut they don't think they're being horny on main. They think they're being discreet.

MerlinNo, they're just being supportive.

MaxThey're like, hey, this is just a little thing.

MerlinYeah, they're just like. You've aged so well. You're such a classy lady.

MaxThey're like, oh, I'm just trying to encourage your body positivity and your, you know, just trying to, like, no, don't. Anyway. I love my curvy streamer. I see. I know. Listen, I know all the all the horny old men on Twitter who I follow. I know that you're faving the selfies of all the like whatever, like young novelist or streamer or whatever that you follow. Anyway, so I think then the thing is, if you read Twitter in a list, though, it doesn't filter. So you see everything.

AlexYeah, that's what I do. I have my daily timeline, which is, of course, everybody.

Maxwho listens. But that's why you see Judd Legume post 12 times on the list. But if you followed him, you'd probably only see one of those. That totally explains it. I think. That's my theory. When I do it, sometimes I post the same link right one after another twice with like different headlines.

MerlinYeah, you do that when you're promoting like a new thing.

MaxAnd I think it's very interesting. Let's say a new episode of the show comes out. Sometimes I don't always know what the right way to sell it is. So sometimes I'll say like, you try two ways. You're like, I'll do a funny quote and I'll say, oh, I really love doing this episode. Check it out, right? And you'll see which one people like and I'll delete the other one.

MerlinOh, interesting. Wow, wow, wow, wow. Yeah, you know, I mean, I realize I am exactly what I sound like here, which is like, it appears that I am privileged with something unless I am merely just lucky. It's difficult for me to explain what it is I'm not seeing because I don't know what I'm not seeing. But when everybody talks about all this, like, oh my God, I keep seeing everybody else's favorites in my feed and the horny on mainstream clicks. Like, I don't see any of that. I get like right now, okay, like recommendations for follows that are terrible. I get that.

MaxSometimes one of these guys will just reply to some girl's selfie or whatever. And they'll just be like, stunning.

Speaker ANo! No!

MerlinYou know we can see this, right? You know we can see this. Oh, God. Because we can see this when you do that. Sweetie, sweetie. Do you know what I'm talking about? Come to Dubai Friday. Yeah.

Thank you.

64. Problematic Clog 0:00 / 01:08:12