42. First Responders

AlexThis is Do By Friday, a weekly challenge podcast with Merlin Mann, Alex Cox and Max Temkin. This week's challenge, shave.

Hello Merlin Mann, how are you?

MerlinI'm very well, how are you?

Alexuh breakout star max is gonna be here in any minute nice in minutes i think i blocked reddit

Merlinfrom my google results because because i said i can't find our i guess we have a reddit page is a thing let me uh no no first i just want to say okay i searched for do by friday reddit.com and it flashes for a second and then disappears and it's out of the results i must have blocked it i do that i'm a blocker i'm a friday i encourage people i encourage everybody who's not me to use this very very heavily because it's an excellent way to outreach

that's a word i just made up it's all part of our outreaching project we encourage everybody

Alexto tweet at Alex Cox. Yeah.

MerlinOutreaching. What is it? Is it Reddit? There's probably a slash R. Oh, there it is.

AlexYeah. There we go. There's a little alien that we all know and love.

MerlinOh, it's Johnny Reddit.

AlexMm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

MerlinOkay. Dubai Friday. Oh, the typography. Some of these have up to five comments.

AlexI know.

MerlinWe're a breakout hit.

AlexAs many as three people listen to our show. It's very exciting.

MerlinAlex, are you a Redditor?

AlexWell, it seems that I have had my Reddit name for over six years, but I have very little karma. So I think I just did the thing where I'm like, I want to snipe my name before people put...

MerlinIt just comes up as, sorry, something's gone wrong.

AlexYeah. Oh, boy.

MerlinOh, yeah, I'm fannyboss69 on Reddit.

AlexOh, wonderful.

MerlinYeah.

AlexThat's a good... Oh, it's Max. Oh, Max has so many things.

MerlinMax discovered the Google Doc this weekend. It's a hell of a thing.

AlexMax discovered the Google Doc. You discover Reddit. Hey, Reddit. We're learning so many things about ourselves and each other.

MerlinHow do you become a Redditor? Is there like a vetting process? Do you have to go to like an extension class? How do you become a Redditor? Redditor.

AlexOh, you need to think that there's an underground sex ring in a pizza parlor. That's kind of how you get on the site. All right. Max has got something for us.

MaxI'm just starting the keynote.

Alexgod damn it is this a show

Merlinwe can't wait to see what you do with Steve let's see I did not like I don't think the keynotes are good anymore

MaxI think they're the best tech keynotes

Merlinof any tech company why don't they just talk about products

Maxwell first of all they all do the new thing where they talk very slowly now I am

AlexI'm very excited to tell you about the Genius Grove.

MaxI don't like that they talk slowly. They all do it now. And I think the events are way too long, and they go into way too much detail that normal people don't need to know about the product.

MerlinEspecially developer conferences for developers.

AlexIt's not a developer conference. This one's not a developer conference. This was totally different. You just said you're starting. No, this was a very weird keynote. It was strange. Oh, my God.

MerlinThis was such a weird keynote. Are we talking about this? Is this happening?

AlexAre we doing this? Well, I would like a one minute timer to just share my very popular thoughts and opinions. Who sent this?

MaxWhere is the thing? Where is this? I was going to open this on the podcast.

AlexOh, well, it was already.

MaxBut I knew what it was because I could smell it from outside the box. Oh, my God. Who sent this?

AlexSo we got a lovely gift from, I mean, I guess we can give away their, their, yeah. Our first name. The Mama Leaves Popcorn in Elgin sent us something to, well, they sent it to Maxwell Spoons.

MaxWhich is close enough, I figured it out. Anyway, oh my god. So I got a package from Elgin Popcorn yesterday. I could clearly smell through the box that it was popcorn. I mean, it's an unmistakable smell. You're a super smeller. This might be the best popcorn I've ever eaten in my life.

MerlinWhat?

AlexWow. I'm loving Dr. Creator.

MerlinThis stuff is good.

AlexWhat's Dr. Creator? Is he Strange's cousin?

MerlinChicago Mix is called.

AlexOh, my buddy Creator. Okay, cool.

MaxIt says, taste the love. Order online. Mama Lee's, L-E-E-S, popcorn. MamaLee'spopcorn.com.

MerlinThat sounds nice. I think you're getting cocked. I think somebody came on that corn. This is very, very good.

AlexWell, Max, can you look at the card they sent us there? And they have a variety of, they're like remixing the Chicago mix.

MaxIt's very interesting. Okay, I get it. What I'm eating is white cheddar, garlic, and caramel. That's the Elgin mix. I got to say the garlic and caramel sounds disgusting, but it totally works. It totally works. It's very good.

MerlinThat sounds delicious. Thanks for turning me on to this. I got a bag of bags of these. This is the Dr. Creator's Popcorn. The mix, 1.5 ounce times six.

MaxIsn't that good shit?

MerlinThat's sweet and savory. I see what you're saying, though. You really want exactly one of each in a bite. Or, you know, or multiples of one.

AlexYou know what would help with that? A spoon or a cup that you measure out. See, here is my life hack. You go to Garrett's Popcorn, a Chicago institution. You say, I want a Chicago mix, but please separate it into two bags. And so then you can exactly put it into the correct portions into a cup and then shovel it into your mouth.

MerlinIt's great. Oh, my God. Max, this is insane. This is the first time you've ever opened the Google Doc, and now I have to scroll. What is happening?

MaxThere's like a whole blueprint for success in here. This is incredible. Tell the amount of shit that I have on my doc. That's the tip of the iceberg, my friend. I have layers and layers of preparation.

MerlinBig balls of content.

MaxOh, my God. We got to get into it. I have so much to talk about. I did last night at my first group project at law school. Is that a key party? What is that?

MerlinWhat's a group project? Oh, you get together and you mix them all together.

MaxI mean, what's a group project? You get assigned to work with a bunch of assholes and you have to deal with them. And get a grade.

MerlinAll right.

MaxI'm so excited to talk about this in the after show. Absolutely, I cannot talk about it on the general program. But tune in to the After Show. And boy, am I going to open up on this group.

MerlinAfter Show, what's up with that? How would people find the After Show?

AlexPromote the fucking Patreon. We want your money. I thought Max was going to do it, but he's got Elgin in his mouth. So you can find this After Show at DubaiFriday. Wait.

MerlinIs it on Reddit, Alex?

AlexIt's not on Reddit, no.

MaxWell, I don't like to call it a Patreon. My new thing is that I like to call it a town square.

MerlinI call it a money biscuit. Oh, boy. Listen, don't equivocate. Hey, go give us your money. You go to patreon.com slash Dubai Friday, and a bunch of people have already done it. And let me go check my silver. Over 650 people have gone in and pledged for this program. And so A.

MaxHere's the deal.

MerlinHere's the deal.

MaxYou go sign up. You give us $5, and after the show, we stick around. We talk shit. I'm going to gossip about my awful group in law school. And now you get to listen in. And we pick the challenge for next week, and you can do the challenge with us. I'm not going to say I'm going to save it for the after show I'm teasing it Merlin that's an industry that's a pro move

Merlinwe've got our M per P we're getting about $6.60 per person which is lower than I'd like but it's better than nothing get in there and give us your money and then you go and you listen to it I'm just going to say thanks I'm going to say like and subscribe you go to Patreon what's it called a town square max You go to the town square. It's not on Reddit yet. You go to patreon.com slash Dubai Friday and you give us your money. And we'll do a little funny post for each one. We've got FAQs up there.

And then you can join the Powder Nation.

MaxPay for all of our iPhones. The thing is not that I like to think. It's not that Steve Jobs made the Patreon. That's not any individual podcast. No, no. It's the ecosystem.

MerlinThe legacy is the Patreon website. It's not any individual campaign. campaign. It's the fact that it exists. That's... Thank you. You shut up

Alexbetter than I thought. I'm sorry. I'm getting a little dusty here. I'm so glad that you guys did not know me when Steve Jobs died. That was a weird time.

MaxIt was more cool to like tech companies then. That's true.

AlexI was sad. You know what? Merlin did a lovely little bit at an Apple store. And it made me cry. You're making Tina noises. You know what? I'm going to put it in the show.

MerlinAlright. I'm going to start giving you guys compliments.

Alexset a timer for one minute i'm talking about the phone this the apple event which happened yesterday we're recording this on wednesday it was super super weird they it was one of the fastest keynotes i've ever seen i don't know what phone to buy i'm i don't like the gestures i'm a crazy old person right now i'm very excited about the watch notice guys that the watch now alerts you if your heart rate is up and you're not doing a workout so basically i i get will be able to get alerts for my anxiety but this is the first time in my life that i'm like i i'm not gonna like run

out and go buy an iphone it's very oh wow do i have i have okay i've got 30 seconds left um can we extend the time senator because well no this is this is me marlin this is me this is me this is me i'm very happy yes i'm very happy they've gone back to glass um the iphone 4 was my favorite design ever and and for the iphone 8 they're taking away the battery case there's no more battery case and i love the battery case oh man how much time okay i think um move to send the

Maxapple topic to the previous question yeah there we go thank you thank you for listening

Merlinyay good job buddy we talked about this on my back to work program yesterday i thought the keynote was fucking weird i think some of the decisions they're making are very strange and i think the watch is far and away the most interesting thing they showed that's because i totally agree i haven't held the rich boy phone yet i'm sure i'll love it and buy it but i think to watch stuff is very exciting.

MaxYeah, like, what game is this that we're playing that we're not all going to buy the iPhone X? It's like, everyone online is like,

MerlinI don't know. Why does the iPhone 8 exist? It's so strange.

MaxBecause they didn't want to, because they knew that if they made a more expensive phone, they'd get made fun of. They did it. They're getting made fun of. And they thought, oh, we'll hedge and we'll have a cheaper phone available. And this is because, I mean, whatever. I don't want to get into it. It's like they thought they had a media strategy. It's price anchoring. It's designed to say, look, there's still an introductory level iPhone for normal people to buy. It doesn't matter. they're still getting made fun of. And what's the fucking matter? We're all going to buy it. We all know it. Every fucking Apple podcast host is going to have one when it comes out. They're all going to... Watch. Everyone now, they're all doing the take. And the take is, maybe I'll just keep my iPhone 7.

MerlinI'm pretty happy with my iPhone 4.

MaxNo one's going to keep their iPhone 7. I didn't say that really. Everyone is grousing on Twitter and come whatever day that they come out, everyone's going to be like, I couldn't get on. The website crashed.

MerlinThat's a real problem. Then they'll thank Max. Yes, yes, you're absolutely right. I just, oh, by the way, did you notice they raised the prices on the iPads?

AlexYeah, it was the iPads. That really, I was thinking, you know, what if I don't get the Rich Boy phone? What if I get this nice little iPad?

MaxDid they change the iPads? I didn't watch it yet.

AlexNo, they just raised the prices on the normal ones.

MaxGood for me. I bought it at a good time.

MerlinWe can all agree that at last it's clear that Apple is very dedicated to gaming. and I think that's something we can all be very excited about. That will certainly be something that continues. They continue to show they're putting wood behind the arrow for the gaming industry and the gamers.

AlexI had this fun, my friend Savannah and I played this fun game where we're like, we want Pokemon Go. And we're like, hey, how long until someone corrects us and says it was in the last keynote? Two minutes. Well, actually.

MaxCan we move on? I don't want to talk about this anymore. Wait, I have one more thing. I think that the general Apple strategy of them raising the prices on everything and, you know, whatever, working on the high-end watches and stuff. I think what you're seeing is Apple is a very smart company. They're very good at marketing. They totally understand who their people are and how to make stuff for them. And what you're seeing is wealth stratification. You know, you have most people in this country don't buy Apple stuff, right? We're in the – Apple is the smaller market share. And it's wealthy elites. It's a class issue. Rich people who can afford to spend tons of disposable income on computers

have basically no ceiling. you know like let's be honest like all three of us have basically no ceiling on the amount of money that we'll spend on apple gear so apple is doing the smart apple is doing the smart to shut up there's like 900 people backing our patreon uh people can see how much money we're all making so there's basically no ceiling on how much we'll buy and apple is smart and they're like here's a

Alex1500 watch there that's not a thing that happened okay all right i'm just saying this is that that's

Maxthe way if you want to step back big picture and understand whoa why is apple making an expensive a phone? Why are the prices going up in their iPads? It's because they know, I guess we all honor this fiction of like, oh, just regular people are going to wander into an Apple store and buy a MacBook Pro. They're not. Apples are computers for rich people who care about whatever the intersection of technology and liberal arts, and they're not for regular people anymore. Regular people have no purchasing power. They can't buy this stuff. It's not marketed for them. They're excluded from the market, and now Apple is going for the high end. And they've all got

us by the balls and we're going to keep spending more and more money there because that's our life

Alexno powder nation you can send your opinions to at alex cox on twitter and uh i'll just take that i'll take one for the team

Maxguys i need to issue an apology i'm sorry i was uh uh yesterday as you know i like to go home i get my iphone i like to honk off i find a video on twitter two minutes maximum two minutes of length. I like to find a couple of naughty adult videos.

MerlinYou just like to crank your hog a little bit?

MaxYou've got to crank that hog. Especially if it's

Merlin9-11. You're so sad. You've got to take your mind off it. I've got to take my mind off it.

MaxI consider it my way of saluting the troops.

MerlinI made a mistake. The first responders?

MaxThey're the real heroes. Now I'm the first responder of cranking my hog on 9-11. I made a mistake.

MerlinLike, I was hacked. Somebody came in and favorited this and left.

MaxAnd I was watching my normal, you know, incest video. And somehow, whoops, fingers slipped and I liked it. Or it was an intern or I was hacked. It was somewhere in there. And I apologize.

MerlinThat's just not the kind of public face. We don't know what happened, but whatever happened, it's being dealt with. What? Staff error. Staff error.

AlexI had two anxieties on 9-11 One was that I was like Oh shit people are gonna see that I have favored Some off-color jokes But then I'm like Oh wait no one can top this But also Ted Cruz was You know getting off pretty late at night And I'm like fuck the Apple event is tomorrow And I want all of the bad Ted Cruz jokes We're gonna transition too quickly To the Apple jokes and I want more Ted Cruz jokes

MaxIt does kind of confirm my suspicion that most political people are tweeting and honking off at the same time. They're angry tweeting about politics.

MerlinI think it's far worse than that, which is that no one wants to admit that they're not really doing Twitter. What they don't want to admit is they got a kid. They got a kid, maybe in Pennsylvania, who they pay in Ethereum, who goes and honks his hog on 9-11 while Ted Cruz is off with eating Heidi's hair. And he's just unwinding. Nobody wants to admit that this is not really me on Twitter. You know, I mean, at least Hillary Clinton does that ridiculous thing where she signs her tweets when it's really from her.

MaxYou know, it's like, let me tell you who it really is on Twitter. It's at real Donald Trump. It's got the name real right there. Is that how you know? That's how you know.

AlexDo you not think, wait, so Max, was it not Ted Cruz? Do you not think that Ted Cruz accidentally? I don't know.

MaxIt doesn't matter. My theory stands because someone was cranking a hog on Twitter and doing angry tweets. It was someone. Maybe it wasn't, maybe it was some intern.

AlexBut that's fine. It's real bad whoever has that partner. Because two minutes, wow. I don't know if, I mean, maybe if you're in a race, you're playing the biscuit game. I don't know.

MerlinI don't want to make it too real, but why don't you just say a specific person who I will not name on our staff did this, and we're firing them because that was the wrong thing for them to do. Why don't you just say that? Why would he dissemble about this? Honestly, what's the strategy? It's like when Kirk Eichenwald,

Maxlike what did he retweeted like a hentai or something I don't remember what exactly what happened Josh Josh talking no no no no no this was a different one well him too but it was Kirk

MerlinI can mold like is that the thing where you dress up in Japanese pantyhose that's I know he no no

Maxhe's a one of these over over the top of Hillary election dramatists and he he's a hilarious Twitter feed but he was the guy who like uh someone named like uh uh someone named like a Jew oven like at Jew oven like tweeted like an animated gif of of a strobing light at him and he has epilepsy and then and then he tweeted back like this is Kurt's wife and he has to go to the hospital and I'm gonna sue you and then he's like engaged in some lawsuit with like a troll who like sent him

a blinking gif but anyway so he's that kind of guy but anyway he I think I know what it was he Oh, my God. He posted a screenshot of his browser, and one of the tabs open was just hentai porn, like tentacle porn.

MerlinAnd then what he should – Hentai tentacles, okay. I don't know. Close enough.

MaxAnd what he said was – what you should say if you accidentally post porn is basically what the guy, the political guy did. Was it the talking points memo guy or whatever? And he was just like, yes, cranking my hog, and I accidentally tweeted it. Sorry. Because that's human, and that's what people do. But what he did instead was he said, I was Googling it with my family to show them that it existed and it wound up on my browser.

AlexHere, kids, gather around the tentacles.

MerlinIt's like the first time you're in high school or college, let's imagine, you try to have the conversation with somebody about your special thing. And you're like, it's funny. Isn't it funny what some people like? It's super weird, right? Is that super weird?

Yeah. You guys know when you. Needs or something.

MaxYou guys know when you give a woman money online and she laughs at you?

AlexMm-hmm.

MaxAnd you keep giving her money?

AlexThen she pees on the money and sets it on fire. It's great.

MerlinDid you see the photo that was going around of that? First of all, R.I.P., the lady with the gay marriage lady. What's her name who just passed away? Edie.

AlexA gay died? Oh, no. Oh, no.

MerlinIt's a big deal. Edie Windsor. It's a huge deal. She's the lady behind the lawsuit that led to a lot.

AlexOh, fuck. I didn't know that happened. Oh, I'm sorry. God, this is not how you should learn it. What a day. Oh, man.

MaxHey, but new iPhone, though.

MerlinHey. I'll be happy one day. It's got a notch. Have you seen the photo of her with President Obama? Because I kind of can't stop looking at it. Because it looks like Peter Jackson staged it.

AlexCan you send it in our secret communication channel? Merlin, he's not going to, Max is not going to look at the Skype.

MerlinI sent it in both.

AlexI know to send it to all of the places. Thank you. Thank you.

MaxHonestly, I'm not going to look at it anywhere.

MerlinIt's just for Alex.

MaxIt's not for you, Max.

AlexOh. Wait, now.

MerlinIs that a Peter Jackson thing?

AlexI don't know.

MerlinI don't know. Don't you think he looks like he's 12? He looks like Hagrid.

AlexI, uh, that, yeah, it, it, it, the more I look at it, the more I'm like, hmm, that doesn't seem right.

MaxYeah, exactly. Is this a photo where Obama looks taller than you'd expect?

AlexNot just taller, like larger.

MaxHe's an incredibly large man.

AlexHe's a very tall man.

MaxYeah, he's very tall. One of the reasons it doesn't look like Obama is very tall is he wears long pants, like his suits are cut very long. And that's so that when he sits down in a chair, because he does a lot of seated interviews, they don't ride way up.

AlexOh, like Johnson's pants.

MaxSo I think it has the effect of when you see a full body photo of him, it makes him look shorter. But he's a very tall person. and I think a lot of people have the experience of meeting him and they're like, holy shit, this is a tall guy.

MerlinYou should look at this photo, Max. It's really something. I don't have that technology. You have your iPad.

MaxMy fingers are sticky from the Elgin mix.

AlexYou know, if you were using a spoon, we would not have this problem.

MerlinGod.

AlexI can't yell at my boss on the show.

MerlinIt's like living with someone with dementia and you just have to keep going, oh, that's right, that makes a lot of sense to eat popcorn with a spoon.

AlexThat's good.

MerlinI love big band music.

AlexMy parents weren't too afraid to test me for autism. Nope, nope, everything's fine. Do you watch BoJack Horseman? Was this a BoJack reference? No. Oh, okay. I'm not going to tell you to watch the show, but all right.

MerlinNo, you've already got two animation shows that make you guys cry every week. I'm not up to this. We're going back through Seinfeld. Rick and Morty. Oh, my God. You haven't watched Rick and Morty? We're not going to talk about Rick and Morty.

AlexOh, the most recent episode.

MerlinI think it's the single best episode of television I've ever seen. I know. Easily. It's a great time to be alive.

MaxNo, it doesn't have the feels. It's a comedy. It's the opposite of a show that has the feels.

AlexNo, it has the feels. If this doesn't make you want to die at the end of every episode. Yeah.

MerlinIf you don't have to give trigger warnings to poor Matt Howie, you're getting people scared about these programs.

AlexOh, yeah. Well, this was public on Twitter. It was talking about how BoJack Horseman seriously fucked him up. And it will seriously fuck you up. It's a good.

MerlinOh, this sounds great. I got to get on this.

AlexYeah.

MerlinQuit rewatching season three of Seinfeld and get straight onto the BoJack.

MaxI ordered from Caviar. Do you guys have Caviar in San Francisco? I don't want to say where you live. In the city, wherever city. Is it like a Postmates or DoorDash?

MerlinWhat's that? It's like a Postmates or a DoorDash?

MaxNo, it's more like Grubhub, so they have their own delivery network and their own network of restaurants, but it's like fancy Grubhub. So it's like one notch up and fancy, fancy. Oh. I really like caviar. They have all my favorite restaurants around there.

AlexThere you are.

MaxBut so I got, Tommy and I got Indian food. We ordered Indian food from caviar. And I got the Gobi Manchurian, which is like a crispy spicy cauliflower dish. And it did not come. So I went on the app and I filed a ticket that was kind of arduous. And I was like, I did not get my Gobi Manchurian and I want my $4.99 back. and I got a very... You like a fancy one, huh? I don't want to be fucked.

Someone's getting fucked here. I did not order the Gobi Manchurian, and did I get the Gobi Manchurian? I did not. Someone's getting fucked. It's not going to be me. So I wrote them a little note in the app, and I got the funniest email back from them. As soon as I got this, I was like, oh, this is Dubai Friday material.

Okay, so begin. Hi, Max. This is Leo from Caviar. already off to a good start. Hey Leo, I didn't need a personal friendship out of this. Just give me my $4.99 back.

Thank you for connecting with us about this.

MerlinYou're welcome.

MaxI am so sorry to hear that your order

AlexThis is escalating. Oh no.

MaxI am so sorry to hear that your order was missing an item. We take these matters very seriously and we'll be investigating what happened during your delivery. Let me help you out. And then they go through all of the different remediations that they've refunded my $4.99, and there's like a series of records and transactions. Like, you can click here to verify that we've refunded your $4.99.

And then thank you again for reaching out. If there's anything else I can help you with, please do not hesitate to let me know. Sincerely, Leo. I do not like how guilty I feel for saying that. Like, I feel like I initiated some sort of like, someone's going to get punished at caviar.

AlexI don't think so.

MaxLike someone's going to get put in the stocks and they're going to throw tomatoes at them.

MerlinI agree. It sounds to me like maybe they got Leo's family, right? And if everything's not up to snuff, there's going to be some problems.

MaxIt sounds very much like that to me. I think that there's a pleading tone to the email of like, please, please forgive us. Please give us another chance. I'm so sorry. Please. Don't blame my family. Please.

MerlinThis was my fault. It was my fault.

MaxI take responsibility.

MerlinShe's just a little girl.

MaxNot the children.

MerlinNot the children.

MaxAt least my wife. She's very sick.

AlexI've done this with Postmates. And oh, God, this is terrible. I did not want my $4 back. I believe I had ordered McDonald's. And they did not include the fries.

MerlinAnd they were like, oh, I'm shaking my fries.

AlexYou gotta have your fries. I feel exactly the same.

MerlinI feel exactly the same way. I feel like such a turd when I'm like, you didn't give me my cucumber sauce.

MaxIt doesn't matter. If you open up the bag and you were expecting French fries and there's no French fries, that's crushing. That is almost the most disappointment that I can feel.

AlexYou know what? When you're ordering McDonald's from Postmates at one in the morning, clearly you're already in a state of desperation by a thread yeah and and so i emailed them and i got a very nice promise response we'll refund you immediately i'm like no i want my price yes so about an hour later the exact same i did not i did not think they would send the same postmate the same person and i came to the door and at this point um i'd i'd had some substances and

And it was around four in the morning at this point. And the look of fury on this Postmates face. And I now will never, ever do that again. I'm very sorry. I've never felt so bad. I thought they would just send another person. And they would be compensated like normal. No, they got punished. I'm so sorry. Yeah. And then I couldn't tip them a second time. What did they say?

MaxWhat did they say? Here's your fries.

AlexYes. Literally, here's your fries. Have a good night. turn it i'd be i'd feel better if they pissed on my fries honestly i feel less nice the

Merlintrajectory for that um i'm looking at exchange with instacart from a few years ago when they didn't deliver uh but it was like you know supposed to be delivered in the afternoon that got delayed to the evening it didn't come it arrived the next morning uh and it was just sitting on the front step and uh the milk was 60 degrees oh yeah and so basically they had instructed the person doing the delivery the previous day since there was some problem with the fulfillment system they told them to go home and put our groceries in their own home refrigerator

Maxoh my god it's another case of these people it's like serfdom right it's like there's a servant class and there's a class that enables the servant class did you guys see the bodega thing that thing is so fucking cool.

MerlinIt's like a high-tech cabinet of chips,

Maxand it's a tech startup.

MerlinIt's not a logistics firm, as that lady said in her tweet storm. That's the problem. It's not a logistics operation. You start with logistics, and then you figure out what you're going to do with it. It's a mini bar. It's a mini bar for your apartment building, basically. Did you live in a dorm, Merlin? Yes.

MaxWere there vending machines in the dorm?

MerlinNo, they were in the student. Were there vending machines on campus? Yes, in the student center, yes.

MaxOkay. Okay, I lived in a campus that was riddled with vending machines, and we had a very adversarial relationship with vending machines. The way that this thing works is they propose that basically the college will pay to provide it as an amenity to the students, and it's like a cabinet. Anyone can just walk up, open it, take what you want, walk away, and it uses a combination of cameras and apps and shit to charge you for things. I have a couple of questions about how this works. What happens if I don't download the app? What if I just walk up to it, open it, take some chips, and walk away?

AlexOh, like QR code bullshit?

MaxThat's not what they showed in the video. The other thing is like, when I was in college, we would get coat hangers and twist them into little hooks, and we'd go in with a team of four people, and we'd open up the little slot in the vending machine, and we'd get the hook up there, and we'd fish chips out because we were high, and we wanted free chips. And we paid a lot of money to go to the school, and we figured...

MerlinAnd that's how I lost my hand.

MaxAnd we figured someone's paying for these chips, and it's probably the school, and they've got a lot more money than us,

Merlinso it's morally fine. If there's anything I've learned from Griffin McElroy, it is that shoplifting is a victimless crime. If you don't get caught, it's not illegal.

AlexWhy wouldn't you just steal food from the dining hall like a normal red-blooded American man?

MaxBecause it's the thrill. Well, first of all, we did steal lots of things from the dining hall. In fact, we stole so much silverware from the dining hall that they had to put up a sign saying, please don't steal the silverware. And then we stole the sign saying, please don't steal the silverware.

MerlinAnd we put it on the...

Maxand we put it on the back of the door of our dorm room and framed it with stolen silverware like tacked up on the door and someone tipped off at some point they tipped off some fucking vichy narc piece of shit tipped off the school that we had done that and they sent a security guard who came lumbering into our dorm room to look for it but he did the thing out of like a like a like a Buster Keaton movie where he swung the door open and then the sign went against the wall and then he looked all over the place

but he didn't see the sign so we got away with it

Merlinoh my god you're like the Ed Gein of cafeteria theft making ramps out of bones and shit okay right here this this table that I have used as a desk since I'm gonna say 1988 is totally stolen from the cafeteria at my college

Alexoh my god

Merlinit still says Hamilton Center on the other side

Maxwhat's the statute of limitations on that

Merlintotally run out it's a victimless crime It's just a table.

MaxSomeone's getting fucked and it's probably the school and they have a lot of money to buy tables.

MerlinI paid up to $3,000 a year in tuition for my state college. So I think I've earned a table.

We got to talk about Tiff.

MaxOh, we screwed it up. It was supposed to be the opening. All right. Imagine, imagine it's right at the beginning of the podcast. Hey, guys, what do you think Tiff? Isn't this a good joke? What do you guys think Tiff Arman is eating right now? Probably a healthy bowl, like a grain bowl.

AlexI don't think she's having a Sammy. It could be a Sammy.

MerlinYou got anything, Alex? What do you think she's having a Sammy?

AlexI think she's making some cookies.

MaxOh, God, those cookies. All the baked goods, like I would feel dirty eating them. I'd feel like I was like eating a piece of artwork or something.

MerlinEspecially if you got them out of the house when they weren't there. I think she's having a hothouse pheasant breasticle and kale-infused banana pepper rapini with heirloom avocado aioli on flash-broasted focaccia roundlings sliced diagonally

Maxwhere did that come from? that's incredible

MerlinI'm going to try and bring one every week that's my speculation on what is Tiff eating right now

Maxthat's so good do you have any idea how much time we spend in the Cards writer's room trying to write food descriptions like that? hire me bitch

Merlinthat's a good one

Maxwe spent almost an entire day one day trying to write an item that you would order at Chili's and then eventually we gave up and we because we eventually gave up because we couldn't quite nail it so we went on the Chili's website and the hero image on their website was something called the quesadilla explosion salad and we were like I want to die like we'll never do better we'll never do better than this it's like trying to

Merlingreat jokes about the trump administration i'm gonna munch on the chili's website what do they got here let's see oh god oh my god oh oh their top banner is some kind of meat with melty cheese butter on it oh god almighty let's see let's see what their specials are right now you can get chicken crispers uh fagitas and uh enchiladas ribs and steaks so smokehouse combo that looks

Maxtasty that's good merlin just do that for nine more years and arby's will tweet about you follow up the daily beast charlottesville virginia you guys remember chris cantwell the crying nazi give me the milk and then later he was like he he turned himself he had to turn himself into the police and he cried like a little bitch yes okay the bald guy from the vice documentary the bald

Merlinguy. Yeah. All right.

MaxDaily Beast. Charlottesville, Virginia. Chris Cantwell's lawyer says his client's comments disparaging blacks and Jews is just a comedic act of a, quote, shock jock, comparing him to the Jewish comedian Jackie Mason. The claim was made... This is a long story, but it's every paragraph is great. I couldn't cut. I could not cut. The claim was made during a four-hour bail hearing for Cantwell on Thursday night. Cantwell faces three felony charges stemming from an incident at the University of Virginia on August 11th in which he pepper-sprayed at least two people during a torchlight procession of hundreds of white supremacists who chanted nazi slogans as we know

the conflict was captured on camera and broadcast in a now famous vice documentary are you guys sitting down yeah yes brace yourselves brace for impact can't wall's attorney is elmer woodard who appeared in court wearing an early 1800s style red waistcoat with gold buttons bow tie white mutton chop whiskers black velcro shoes and a 1910s style boater hat straw boater hat can't Cantwell said Woodard was his fourth choice for legal counsel after three other lawyers declined to take his place.

Woodard previously attempted to defend a client accused of sexual assault by a 15-year-old girl by claiming the man's sleepwalking caused him to rape her. Alba Merrill County Commonwealth's attorney Robert Trecky asked Judge Cheryl Higgins to allow him to introduce his evidence, videos of Cantwell making violent statements, including some of his closing words in the Vice documentary. Quote, I think Heather Hayer's death was more than justified. I think that a lot more people are going to die before we're done here, frankly. Woodard objected, claiming that the videos of his own client speaking were hearsay evidence.

Quote, how is it hearsay when it's your client's own words? He gets replied, overruling Woodard's objection. Woodard then offered what he said was a quote by comedian Jackie Mason, saying that, quote, take my wife please was obviously not intended as a literal desire to kill or abandon a woman also it's hanny youngman yeah the quote is actually hanny youngman he compared cantwell's hate-filled monologues against jews blacks muslims and other minorities on his podcasts to mason woodard said it was all quote a shock jock act but when tracy asked cantwell to describe what

he does for a living he answered quote i do a racist podcast in our super secret private text

Merlinchannel i have sent you a few more images of counsel in various garb he shows up to i mean

Maxi googled this too immediately but he shows up to yeah the one of him leaving the courtroom with the boater hat i mean he looks like he looks like a fucking cartoon he looks like a he's like a steampunk guy looks like he's he's like one of these like tea party revolutionary war reenactors who like you know we talked about this before with the alex jones stuff where they like sent us a copy of the constitution and they were like wave this at the police and say that you're a sovereign citizen. He's one of those dudes.

MerlinLook at his little

Maxspectacles. Look at his little tricorn hat and his round little spectacles. Max, did you

Merlinsee his office? Oh, here we go.

MaxClicking. No. That's not really his office. Come on, this is a better call. This is not a better call, Saul. That's his office. It looks like it used to be part of a gas station

Merlinand then the gas station left. It's got a handicap space. Oh my God. It's got an accessibility room. Give me the milk. He literally hung a shingle.

Maxwe've got to put this in show notes listen if you're listening to the show i don't care if you're driving open the phone up go on the podcast app and look at the picture of this guy it's so fucking funny it's the funniest thing of all time oh i'm just kind of in shock

Alexi mean well handicap accessible spot and that seems to be a wheelchair around. Maybe he's got a little scoot-scoot that he needs to get up on there.

He does seem like a large man.

MaxDo we have to talk about the Fatberg? No. I'm already bored by it because of how many people sent it to us. I don't want to indulge. I'm not your monkey. No. Alright. Hey. Did you guys hear there was a big Fatberg news? Merlin, you want to read the Oh! This is going to be classic two-by-Friday shenanigans. Merlin, do you want to Read the Fatberg story? Yeah, there's the Fatberg. There's another one. I would love to hear this. I can't believe no one sent this to us.

MerlinI know. Wow. I said no one was supposed to be. It's another Fatberg. Hey. Hey. That's my legacy. That's my legacy. This is what I'm going to be remembered for. Oh, I saw this thing about a giant poo in England, and I thought of you. Thanks, buddy.

It's your one thing.

MaxWhat do you guys want to do? You want to talk? I mean, we have a lot of, we have a fucking cornucopia of comedy options here.

AlexSo many things. Max, what is, you ate an entire pizza by yourself.

MaxI don't know if this is a whole bit. I just thought it was interesting.

MerlinI want to save that for the premium after show. I thought it was pretty exciting.

MaxI ordered a pizza. I ordered a Lumo Mati's thin crust pizza for, Monk and Eli were supposed to come in for a meeting and so I ordered a pizza for us and then they wound up calling in on Google Hangouts and then I had this whole pizza show up and so I just ate the whole pizza. That was a great story. Thank you. Do you guys ever eat a whole pizza?

AlexWhat's the deal with that?

MaxI have Patreon money now so this is the kind of thing that I could be doing. You don't have it yet. That's true. I mean I assume it will come through. All I'm saying is I have the capability of, I mean, for several years now, I've had the capability of ordering a whole pizza for myself. I don't know why I've never tried it. It's like incredibly decadent. It's like naughty.

MerlinI did that once in college. I ate a large Domino's pizza by myself while super high once.

MaxIt's a great feeling. I mean, it's like one of the, I don't know, it's just a thing that never occurred to me that you could do. It was one of those life's little unwritten rules of like, you can't get a pizza unless

Merlinthere's other people. The funny thing is, it's a lot like being an athlete, where you may not even really be thinking about how about your about how you're about to have the best time you've ever had at an event and it's kind of good that you haven't thought about it but it's until you get to the end you're like holy shit there's one piece left i can totally do this it's a lot like being an athlete you know like that around 17 miles you get real tired and because in my case it was i was

Alexalmost done with a pizza that i ate by myself i i thought this was gonna be a bit but max you've You never eat that bit.

MaxNo, it's not a bit. I just never realized you were allowed to do that.

AlexYeah. Well, then, Dig Dug, you're a healthy guy now. What was that picture of the green goop you sent us this morning?

MaxI eat a green smoothie every morning now. That's my new character, Healthy Max.

AlexDo you have a Juicero box for that?

MaxNo, the Juicero, they went out of business. So I have these two Juiceros. Listen, hit me up on eBay if you want to buy my Juiceros. You can't get the pulp packs anymore. You gotta squeeze your own bags. They're worthless. No, you can't get them. There's no more pulp.

MerlinThere's no bags.

MaxThere's no bags. That's my point.

MerlinCan you make your own with your sous vide sealer?

MaxThat is not part of the Juicero promise. It's not part of the tech stuff. The Juicero guarantee is that you do not have to make your own pulp packs, that they send them to you.

AlexOh, man.

MaxNo, I don't know. What do I do? So here's my new thing. I joined. So as you know, I was seeing a – I had my personal trainer, Todd, and he moved, and then I stopped going to the gym for one year. Did we talk about this?

AlexI didn't know his name was Todd.

MaxYeah, my personal trainer, Todd. And he moved, and then I just didn't go to the gym for about one year.

MerlinWas Todd on the payroll that whole time?

MaxNo, no, no. He left. And then I was one of those things of like, I'm going to put in OmniFocus under the project Personal Life, find a new personal trainer. And then he comes up for a review every week, and you're like, yeah, I can wait another week. And then anyway, 52 weeks later, I was like, I should probably exercise once or twice. And so they opened up that new, well, it would be wrong to call it a gym. It's a health club.

You know the one on Damon, the crazy fucking, it's like a cruise ship with treadmills in it. It's like a palatial estate of exercise.

AlexNo, I go to the poor man's gym, X-Sport, which is basically just treadmills and a bunch of free weights.

MaxWhat do you do, the one on Logan?

AlexYou can go to any of them when you have an X-Sport. Oh, once you're on the network. Exactly, the one by Target. Yeah, on Logan. Yeah, I can buy snacks.

MaxYou know what I don't like about that gym is there's always a big burly man outside twirling a sign around.

AlexYeah, I've accepted that I will always be uncomfortable and it'll always be weird.

MaxI thought about joining that gym because it used to be one of the closest gyms in my house and I drove by it a few times and it was 100% of the time there's a guy twirling a sign. If the gym's that good, why is there a guy twirling a sign?

AlexBecause it's not.

MerlinIt's not a good gym.

AlexBut it's open 24 hours, which is why I do it.

MaxIt's not expensive to join this ridiculous health club. It's big and there's a lot of people, which is a downside. But yeah, so I have a personal trainer. I'm going like almost every morning now. I just like wake up, go straight to the gym for a half hour and do exercise. His name is Anthony.

My personal trainer, Anthony. And then I come home and I eat a green smoothie. You need to come home and complain about capitalism. I eat a green smoothie.

AlexDo you talk to Anthony while you're working out? Not really.

MaxHe's a very terse guy. Todd was very talkative, which I loved because it was time. It was basically time on the clock that I didn't have to do exercise if I could get him going about like adventure travel or something. But Anthony is very terse. He mostly says things to me like, why aren't you doing the thing I just told you to do?

Pump the brakes, Anthony. Yeah.

AlexHave you tried to be friendly with him? Yeah.

MaxI'm like, so do you play sports or anything? He's like, didn't I just tell you to go run?

AlexOh, God.

MerlinTony, calm down.

MaxHe told me after our first workout afterwards, He was like, listen, next time bring your own water bottle so we don't waste so much time walking to the water fountain.

MerlinYou should offer to train him at something.

AlexWhat would we do?

MaxEat Chicago Mix popcorn and get high and play PUBG for six hours?

MerlinYes.

MaxWhich is worth your Apple Watch buzzing away. You should probably stand up.

MerlinShut up. You're not the boss of me. Anthony and the Watch.

MaxI mean, I just ate a whole pizza. I'm sweating. I'm working it off. I'm working it off for my chicken dinner.

AlexOh, God. Oh, man. I've got my own character, which is in denial, Healthy Alex, because I'm not an everyday gym person. I'm a three times a week gym person because I should leave my office and or home at some point. But I've accepted that energy drinks are like my cigarettes. until someone can definitively tell me, yes, you are getting cancer from this. Like, it's fine. It's fine. There's no sugar in here. It's just chemicals.

It's fine. It's fine. There's B12. Okay, B12, B3, B... Wait, wait, B6. There's a lot of Bs. B5. Okay. Yeah. No, this is fine. Servings per container too, but there's zero calories, so it's fine. There's no sugars. No sugar. It's fine. niacin which is also B3 why did they list it twice I don't know Alex I feel like this is going to come up

Maxin discovery when you like die of renal failure and your family sues me

Alexokay I've never I have very

MerlinI just want to quickly

Maxyour honor the podcast cannot possibly be entered into the record it's my racist podcast I can't be held accountable for everything I say on the racist podcast I'm like Jackie mason you're a hunter i'm like jackie mason how do you feel about jewelry is that is that a current belief of yours so i'm two days into my healthy lifestyle and um i'm sore and tired good for you and it's slightly nauseous from drinking green smoothies you guys are always texting me and i'm

Merlinalways texting you and i sometimes wonder where you are so like you've been at the gym when you get a text from me alex oh yeah really yeah yeah i never thought of that yeah i'm yeah

Alexwait why is that that i just assume you're always at a desk uh i mean well like we're holding a cat maybe holding a cat uh oh most of the time that is definitely most of the time it is a challenge to text because there is a large animal trying to get my attention oh she's a little floof yeah probably the fastest i respond to emails and texts actually is when i'm at the gyms because

Maxlike oh i gotta take a break it's for my work i have been like on stage giving talks or having meetings with elected officials when you guys have started some some dumb shit on the text

Merlinthread about like is there gonna be a lte in the new apple watch do you think i like 500 texts coming in i feel the same way i gotta dnd you guys all the time because max ignores everything until it suits him and then suddenly there's this deluge i'm like i'm trying to like pick splinters out of my kid's face or something.

MaxYeah, because it's three in the morning. Everyone finally went to sleep and it's like, ooh, time to catch up on the super secret channel.

MerlinI finished my pizza. Yeah. So look at that. Look at that little precious angel. I sent you a photo. Look at her. And you can see our haunted painting in the background. Look at that.

AlexOh, is that your boy? Is that the haunted? Oh, that's a haunted lady.

MerlinDon't you think that's a haunted girl?

AlexOh, she's. Have I ever sent you the full photo of her?

MerlinIt is super haunted.

AlexOh, God. Her eyes. I know. They're not symmetrical. Oh, no. Oh, no. There's two of them.

MerlinMy sister-in-law has the boy, has the brother, the painting of the brother.

AlexOh, you separated them? Are they going to try to get back to you? Oh, this is bad.

MerlinWhen you do that, when you do break a bond, when you do that, if you separate the haunted sibling paintings, does that have it or double it?

AlexI mean, I don't know if you've heard of the book series Harry Potter, but this could be a Horcrux situation where there's just a painting of like seven children.

MerlinI think there's one Horcrux in this picture, and she has a lion cut. Look at that face.

MaxOh, yeah, yeah.

MerlinI got another, spent another grand on the cat. Yay.

MaxWhat, didn't you say there was some limit? Didn't you, weren't you like when it hits four figures, we're putting her down?

MerlinWell, that was a soft figure. When it hits five figures, I'm putting her down myself. She's just, she's going to go to the farm. No, no. She, so what do we do? Oh, we had to get her an echocardiogram. We had to get her a six-pound cat, an echocardiogram.

Yep. You know, I didn't really fully explain this to you, did I? Oh, okay. No, no. We know she has a heart problem. The doctor found a heart problem last year. And so now she's been doing this. Oh, I should play the video. She goes, My wife is making videos of this going, I'm pretty sure the cat's grinding her teeth. So we're going to take her to the vet. We're going to get her ears scooped out, get all the espresso out of her ears, and we're going to get her teeth looked at. I played the video for the doctor. I'm standing.

MaxOh, that's so gross. I'm standing in the office.

MerlinOh, my God. that's gross playing a video of grinding cat grinding teeth to our to our vet like a mechanic like it's making this noise but yeah so and they said yeah well here's the thing your cat has a heart condition and nine times out of ten if we anesthetize her to remove her fourth rotten tooth you know nine times out of ten she'll be fine but she does have a heart condition so we should probably get her an echocardiogram so we know what we're dealing with and if we need to get into long-term medication or surgery.

Cat heart surgery. So they did the echocardiogram. They scooped out her espresso. They cleaned off her face vents. Still haven't done anything with the butt. But yeah, that was a grand.

AlexI mean, I've spent quite a lot of money on my cats, but I've also accidentally poisoned them twice.

MaxYou know, Merlin, it sounds like, listen, I don't want to speak for you, but it sounds like what I'm hearing is, you know, we mentioned earlier, we're looking for some of our listeners to kind of step it up, you know, into the $10 range. And I think this is kind of like a stretch goal of like, listen, we got to see some movement or this cat's getting put down. Because what's going to pay for this cat's cardiograms?

MerlinI think there's probably at least some portion of our audience that cares whether a cat dies. And I think they should vote with their wallets. If you really want to see this cat live, cross my palm.

AlexAll right, Dig Dug. Max is opening a box, and I don't know if it's his own.

MaxYeah, it's just an Amazon order. I got the kitchen tongs.

AlexOh, well, well, well. I got a new hygrometer. Those are fancy.

MerlinI got a new hygrometer I like a lot.

AlexI don't know what that word means.

MerlinWhat is that? Wait, what are you doing with that hygrometer? I have five hygrometers.

AlexHold on. What is this? It seems funny. What's happening?

MerlinA hygrometer is used to measure and track relative humidity. I got a really, really sweet one.

MaxWait, but what do you do with it, though?

MerlinI see how humid it is in the last 12 to 36 hours, what the humidity has been over time. And also, if I want to really dry something out, and I use my silica packets. Now, is there an app?

MaxCan you connect remotely to it?

MerlinNo, no, no. No, it's all manual. But also, I'm really into silica packets, which you should not eat. And I use this to dry things out. And so sometimes I'll use that to track the progress. The maddening part is that they're all a little different. And only one of them can be calibrated. And so I'll put them in the bathroom with the dehumidifier. I'll put four or five of them in there. And they're all slightly different humidities.

MaxTo what end?

MerlinI'm trying to understand this. You know how humid it is? And also it's got the temperature. Wait a minute.

MaxWhy though?

MerlinWhy? I'll send you a link. It's a good hygrometer.

MaxNo, I'm sure it's a good tool. But to what end? Why does it matter what the humidity? Do you have like.

MerlinOh, it's also the temperature. It's the temperature and also how humid it is. It tracks it for like 12 to 36 hours.

MaxDo you have some sort of... Why? Are you battling some sort of mildew or something? Like a fungus?

AlexNo, it's nice.

MerlinIt's, you know, you get the temperature and the relative humidity, and then it tracks it over time. You can do it in Fahrenheit or Celsius. But why?

AlexI don't...

MerlinI mean, you put one in every room so you know what the humidity is. You put it in the bathroom with the dehumidifier so you know how well it's working.

MaxWhat do you do with that information?

AlexWell, then you know how humid it is.

MerlinI got four or five of them.

MaxBut what is, do you change your actions based on the humidity?

MerlinSure. Good question. You could run the dehumidifier longer.

MaxIs there an ideal humidity? Is your house like a humidor, like you're a cigar and you're going to dry out if you don't have enough humidity? That's right.

MerlinThat's exactly right. Yeah, I'm an 80th anniversary. Moisture.

MaxBecause once that wrapper goes, it's no good.

MerlinOh, God. I can't even open my humidor. It just makes me too sad because I let it go for a little while. And I got some goodies in there, and I know they're just dust. Oh, I can't even think about it. Oh, yeah, the Accurite. Oh, yes. Here's my boy. Accurite 01083 Pro Accuracy, Indoor Temperature and Humidity Model.

MaxWait, why? Why, though?

MerlinYou can see, like in the example here, it's 62%. But why?

MaxDoes someone in your family have a condition related to the humidity? Apparently.

MerlinI don't know why. I'm obsessed with the humidity. I walk up it's a very humid town and I arrive I get my daughter we walk home we're like it sure is hot and I say and humid

Maxwow this was a big well I'm afraid that's all the time we have today but this is a big breakthrough

AlexI don't want to talk about this

Maxbecause I guarantee you it's going to be there's no way for us to approach this topic, but Alex wrote backpack nine times on the sheet.

MerlinYeah, okay.

MaxThis has no...

MerlinThis is dooga, dooga, dooga. You've been... You're on a quest, Alex.

MaxYou've been looking for that. I'm extremely skeptical of this topic.

AlexOh, man. Just like with my iPhone cases, about every six months, I just have a crisis because I know that if I have the best iPhone case and the best backpack, I'll finally be happy and I won't cry myself to sleep and everything will be fine. the humidity in my apartment will immediately be okay

MerlinI bet you don't even know what the humidity in your apartment is

Alexno well see we hold on I've got

MerlinI was gonna open it

Alexso every I got like about 300 tweets worth of backpack feedback and then I just bought the

Merlinlet me get this straight you asked on Twitter you said what backpack should I buy no it's even worse no Max it's worse than that She said, oh, I've been trying so hard to find a backpack for so long and none of them are right. She basically invites, she begs people to argue with her on the internet.

AlexNo, no, no, because I did not, I did, well, okay, the Manal backpack is shit and it will be returned. But no, it's just, they're all bad. They're all so bad. Timbuktu used to make amazing backpacks. and I've got my, I have bought and returned, there was 12 backpacks, but it's been up to 15 backpacks this year. And I just keep. Do you return them? Do you actually send them back? Yeah, of course. I'm not, can I confess something?

MaxI don't think I've sent, I've never sent a product back in my life.

AlexWell, what do you, I give it away to someone. I bring it to the office and I give it away to someone. Well, I mean, but they're bad backpacks. I would not want to wish that upon somebody. well in fact I bought the or my partner bought the Synapse 23 or whatever and I loved it but I'm like this is gigantic and I didn't know that there was a little tiny baby oh god this box is the most Seattle box

MaxTommy and I both have the small Tombin backpack

Alexlook at this is that the same one I have good colors what one is that well this is I'm glad it's a smart Alec you two might be haunted twins I've been told that I'm a test tube baby

Merlinof Max and my other boss

Alexholy shit this is a good holy shit is this the backpack is this the one

Maxit holds all my shit

Merlinis this a synapse 25 what is it

Alexit's a 19 holy shit

Maxme and Tommy both have this it's incredible I've traveled all over the world with this thing I love it I have a very good system worked out of what to do with each pocket.

AlexDo you use the little rings? Stephen Hackett, honestly, was the one who pushed me over the edge.

MaxI do use the rings. I carry a little tactical emergency flashlight in my backpack from everydaycarry.com. And it was like the number one rated tactical flashlight. And sometimes you need it.

AlexSometimes you're in a situation. No, I've seen the thing on your backpack. I'm not putting them in. Oh, well, you need this though for your skateboard. I'm glad. What do you mean?

MaxOh, that's different. That's a little tail. That's a flashing light. That's like a bike, like a cycling light.

AlexOkay.

MaxNo, no. I have a little flashlight, and it goes on one of the hooks. It's inside one of the pockets. But sometimes you need it. Sometimes you're in a hotel room, and you can't figure out how to turn the lights on. Or we're backstage, and there's not adequate light.

MerlinNo, it's one of those things. It's one of those things that actually is whenever you see, not a grip, but a sound guy. He's always got the roll of tape, and you've got the multi-tool. These are things that are actually all useful. Hi. Yes, that's me.

AlexThat's you.

MerlinYou're that guy.

Maxit comes in surprisingly handy I use it and I have and then I have this guy I have a little tactical everyday carry leather man and this one you can take on the airplane it does not have a knife on it but it has it has like pliers and other stuff and it basically has a knife like you can use it to open packages and stuff

Alexit's out right now

MaxI'm using it right now to open this box I use this thing everyday it's the perfect little gizmo to have

Merlinthis is blowing my mind I got a bespoke knife from Amazon. It's a bespoke knife for opening boxes.

MaxDon't you, aren't you worried? Do you carry a knife in your, in your everyday carry, Merlin? Your EDC?

MerlinThat's what I like to call it. In the biz. No, I should. I've got, I have all the knives. I'm a knife guy. I've got a lot of knives. I'm a box cutter guy.

MaxWe should really explore that.

AlexOkay. So wait, so Merlin, for your, so is your, your knife like a box cutter or is it specific? like the one thing that we have like that I needed every convention is like six box cutters on me at all times. But a lot of times they're sharp and terrible. Like even if I have my leather men on me, is this one like a not dangerous version to open? God, the inside is green. I can actually find shit. That's such a good idea. Man. And I want to thank our friend. You know what? I don't know if they want me to put their name in here,

but if they released the blog post, it was basically like you're never going to find happiness in your backpack but buy this one so you will find some

Maxwait someone gave this to you as a gift no no no

Alexall I got was the popcorn I'm not telling people not to send me free backpacks maybe this one will make me happy

Merlinjust let you guys sign up is 19 is that what we're talking about

Alexyeah yeah

Merlinthe smart alec is not

Alexhow many of those

Merlincan you get in my brain bag okay Merlin

AlexI am into small spaces so often that was the problem The big boy, the 25 or whatever, it was too much.

MaxThis thing is great. It fits under the plane seat, no problem.

MerlinThe baby is so cute. There's never been anything that won't fit in my backpack. It's appalling. We bought a new welcome mat. A rolled up welcome mat fit in my backpack. It's monstrous. So go Google canary corrugated cardboard cutter.

The thing that kind of defines it is also the thing that makes it a bummer. It doesn't have a point. pointed end. It's got two serrated edges. So it's no fun. You can't pop the little bags with it. You know what I'm saying?

AlexI see. This is actually...

MaxThat's very good.

MerlinThat's very good. But if you're just opening or breaking down a bunch of boxes, it's pretty good.

AlexThis is actually... This could change the way that we work.

MaxIs this the Dan Chan fluorine coating yellow DC-190F? DC-190F. Who's Dan Chan?

MerlinDan Chan? Oh, you know what? I don't even have a joke. I don't know. I will find out. Dan Chan. Dan Chan.

AlexIt looks like it might be from the Japan. Yeah. Okay. It's pretty. Ooh, look at that.

MerlinThere's a doctor, Daniel Chan, here in town.

AlexThis in the-

MaxIt looks like something they would lobotomize hysterical women with in the 40s.

AlexI don't know if it's a BoJack Horseman reference. Oh, God, this season's so good. Man, this is boring. Should we do the show? All the feels.

MaxIf only there was some way to know that the backpack topic would be a little slow. A little slow for Dubai Friday.

MerlinNo, this is very exciting. People love backpacks.

MaxLet me get the energy back up. Here we go. Let's go. Big Trump news. Big Trump news. New York Times. All right. This is about Gary Cohn. So this is Gary Cohn. He's like the last reputable business person left in the Trump administration.

MerlinGlobalist cuck.

MaxGlobalist cuck Gary Cohn. That was what does Steve Bannon call them? I guess in some back channel.

MerlinAnd Breitbart jews him up by putting his name between two globes. That's how they drew him up in the headlines. What? That's crazy. You've never seen this? No. Whenever they refer to Gary Cohn, you know there's the parentheses thing? They put a globe on either side of his name in headlines.

MaxWell, he's one of the last Jewish people and one of the last reputable business people still in the administration. He's on the National Economic Council. He's one of the only people who hasn't resigned or from Trump's CEO council or whatever. And he was the one guy. He gave a pretty strong statement after Charlottesville, and he's been on the outs with the president.

He was sticking around probably because he thought he would be the next Fed chair, and Trump has signaled pretty strongly that he will not, in fact, make Gary Cohn the next Fed chair. This is a fun story from the New York Times. The new chief of staff has tried to shield Gary D. Cohn, the chairman of the National Economic Council for Mr. Trump's continuing wrath, since the former Goldman Sachs executive went public with his disgust at the president's response to the deadly violence last month in Charlottesville, Virginia. Mr. Kelly made a point, one staff member said, of throwing his arm around Mr. Cohn in solidarity, in full view of the news media,

as they exited Marine One last week on the South Lawn. But he has not always been successful. Several aides said that Mr. Trump is freezing out Mr. Cohn by employing a familiar tactic, refusing to make eye contact with Mr. Cohn when the advisor greets him.

He's negging him.

AlexOh, yeah.

MerlinBut it's also like, you know, one of the gifts I try to give my daughter is staying away and not trying to be cool. Like when she's around her friends, like nobody wants the cool dad. And especially because I'm not really the cool dad. And like that's like the guidance counselor walking you to class. Like that's not really going to help. You know what I mean?

AlexYou know what? That's never happened to me. So no, I don't know.

MerlinWell, I imagine Kelly is not the most popular guy around there.

MaxWell, it depends. I mean, I think among the serious people at the White House, Kelly is like the only person who's bringing any sort of like order to the operation.

MerlinI imagine he's seen as the last possible thing that could keep this thing from just going tits up.

MaxThat is correct. And it's probably why he's clung to power is because if he leaves, it would be a very bad image for the White House. But he also does a pretty good job of like keeping the crazy people away from Trump. So he has a chief of staff.

MerlinOmarosa. Omarosa can't bring him clippings anymore.

MaxThat's right. I can't remember her name, but the New York Times calls her Miss Nielsen. Like they call the New York Times calls me Mr. Temkin and they call meatloaf Mr. Loaf. But it says it is Miss Nielsen who sends out the emails announcing internal policy and planning meetings that now contain a clipped addendum. Quote, principles only, with a stern warning that any subordinates who wander in will be immediately ejected. She is also responsible for keeping Mr. Kelly's no-fly list of aides he deems unfit to attend serious meetings, the most prominent of whom is Omarosa Manigault, the former Apprentice star with an ill-defined job

and a penchant for dropping into meetings where she was not invited. Wow, what a great sentence. Throughout the White House, the circle of decision-making is shrinking, leaving staff members accustomed to wandering in and out of meetings and the Oval Office in a sour mood, and the feelings are not confined by the gates of the executive compound. Outside Trump advisors, accustomed to getting their calls briskly returned, are complaining that their phones have gone silent since Mr. Kelly took over six weeks ago. Can you fucking believe he's only been in there for six weeks?

MerlinNo, I can't. I'm wondering if this is the article I'm thinking of. This probably is it, but they described it as— We've heard people saying how Donald, how the president guy, likes to have people around him. He likes the bustle of lots of activity. He likes people milling in and out of the Oval Office like it's the Hufflepuff room or something like that. And supposedly, that's just something that people did. There was one description, I think it might have been in that article, where it was like, people with time to kill at lunch would drop by the White House and come hang out in the Oval Office.

Yeah, like it was the coach's office or something.

MaxHis fucking island of misfit toys, all these like fucking freaks and weirdos and goons who are like, they've been like exiled from public life, but that Trump is their last little, their little thread, you know? Oh, very, very upsetting. And then on Wednesdays, he wears a red hat to get everyone's attention. So they give him compliments.

MerlinI'm going to hypnotize you with my rings. and then look what they did look what 60 minutes did to that handsome steve bannon making him look

Maxlike a red-lidded drunk oh my god can you can you explain this whole i okay i i i fucking forgot

Merlinabout this i could you gotta read the alex jones thing i watched five minutes and i couldn't keep watching it but of course the very it was a very very tight shot uh charlie was much more generously lit and better made up but steve bannon was i think the the medical term was wearing a metric shit ton of makeup. Like, I had my iPad. My friend at the show, Todd, sent me like an 8K picture of Steve Bannon's face that I couldn't stop being obsessed with. I know Steve Bannon's face. I've looked at it up until the day that he left, in which I changed my iPad

wallpaper to Bert and Ernie. I shaved off my rally beard. I'm here to tell you, they did everything they could to save that man. They did everything they could. And the fact that they couldn't cover up his Baron Harkonnen features in a way that was satisfactory. Aww.

Bring me another boy and a frog.

MaxThere was a lot weird with that interview. Number one, he was wearing two button-down shirts, one over the other. Number two, his neck was...

MerlinHe was wearing a disco shirt over a Ralph Lauren shirt. It was really weird.

MaxAnd then his neck was throbbing like an alien was about to hatch out of it.

MerlinI kind of thought he was going to die halfway through.

AlexIt just was very concerning.

MerlinHey, Alex, Alex, look at the text channel, please.

AlexMake it big. No, no. I see that you are on Do Not Disturb. Oh, your battery. You know, good job. Your battery's at 87% in military time. Really, I'm just trying to not look at this man's lifeless eyes.

MerlinYeah, it's also 8.47 p.m. on August 18th.

AlexLook at the picture!

MerlinLook at the man.

AlexI can't.

MaxYou can read that military time.

MerlinThat's the only way to fly. All other time is ridiculous. You get cocked by that time. Look at the shaving job. What are you talking about?

MaxLike your phone says like 4 and you're like, is it a.m. or p.m.?

MerlinI can't believe you live in central time and have that kind of thinking. When you live on the West Coast, you learn to treat everybody else, especially the people on the East Coast. People on the East Coast are children. It has never occurred to them that there's any other time zone in the entire world other than East Coast time. You live on the West Coast. I've been here for 18 years, and I have learned— Wait, wait, wait.

MaxWhat does military time have anything to do with what you're talking about?

MerlinFirst of all, there should be exactly one time in the entire world we should all be using GMT, period, full stop. There should be one time that you ever refer to. It's ridiculous.

MaxSo what are you saying? I should wake up at 14 o'clock?

Merlinwhen you cancel the time that we're recording every week and I deal with your lady I always have to say this is the time that I'm talking about and here's the time that you'll be talking about and doing things like saying 2047 makes that a lot clearer although we should all be using GMT that's all we should use that's all I'm going to say it's ridiculous that you can have two different times in the same state it's like pennies we have to stop this it's wrong we've got to do the challenge But this is part of the challenge.

Look at his – really zoom in on this picture I sent you.

AlexSteve Bannon's stubble is the most – like, forget the stye.

MerlinWhy does he have so many open wounds on his face? I don't know. It's medieval. But look at – he stopped – I really sweat this. I try really hard not to miss the little nubbins around the lips. And he left this entire little enchanted grove on his lower lip.

AlexYes. No, guys, I just realized this is not stubble. those are all blackheads because his little stubble is is white those are all that is dirt in his pores i think he's got more jolans oh god oh my god and they go up into his nose these are

Maxoh he does have he has a couple of stray wizard hairs coming out of his uh eyebrows too i don't

Merlinknow if you can see that oh yeah no no yeah look at that one by the four in 2047 look at that

Alexoh my god i didn't even notice you can't unsee it can't unsee it challenge yeah i i uh so max would you like to extend to explain the challenge this week yes

Maxthis week's challenge was uh merlin mentioned on the podcast several weeks ago that when he shaves he applies olive oil to his face yep inexplicably and uh i i found that uh i don't want to be uh impolitic but i found that disgusting it repulsed me so when i was in italy i got merlin a very fancy uh italian shaving cream from a the world's oldest pharmacy and i've been using this it's like a pre-shave sort of uh dairy product and you apply it to your face and it uh softens the hairs and

they come right off when you go to shave i really i really i love this thing so i sent merlin a little jar and the challenge was just shave just uh shave do your normal shaving routine come in talk about

Merlinit i could uh i'm happy to talk about mine i think alex sort of uh i think in a good way unilaterally expanded it to do things with unwanted hair i was not gonna put olive oil

Alexon that's what i put in my popcorn oh good lord all right marilyn how was it oh well okay first

Merlinif i may give me about 25 minutes for a brief history of shaving uh i i learned a long time ago that the shower is the place to shave and and i know we've talked about this a lot but there's probably animals out there that still aren't doing this there are so many benefits to shaving in the shower uh i've got a shower mirror i got hacks for that but the basics of it is that whatever you decide to use most people focus on the blade that you use which is fine but the truth is almost any blade believe it or not even a bic disposable can be fine if you do the right prep

Maxoh holy shit you know what this is this is people who argue over whether like aero press is better than pour over, but they're buying Starbucks beans. But they're buying Folgers. Doesn't matter. Doesn't matter. Doesn't matter. It's true. That's the last thing in the chain. You're talking about a 1% marginal gain if you use a good blade versus a bad blade. It's all about the steam. It's all about the steam.

AlexThe steam is the beans, bitch.

MerlinBack my Patreon, bitch. So what I believe in is that there should be some things that you do. uh the with the in terms of the equipment i get very hot water in my little rubber mug that i use i always almost always do a fresh harry's blade because i don't shave more than a couple times a week the main thing is though like if i have excessive hair if i maybe like like a half cannon i'll trim so i'm not going to go blow through my whole blade but the main thing is i first do lots of moisture as the bottom layer that could be water could be olive oil could be

this stuff you sent i i i usually foam up twice i foam i foam once uh then i do my business with cleaning i foam i clean that off i foam again and by that time there has been moisture in contact with my beardal area for about 10 minutes and it makes all you could shave with a fucking number two pencil if you've done that and people don't know this they're all obsessed with all that i get the german blade fuck you nobody cares make with the water and that's all i had to say about that i have i have very strong opinions about what you sent me but that was just my uh that was my

Maxsetup now do you uh when you put the shaving cream on do you let it linger for a minute or two

Merlina little linger i uh i i i i apply it against the grain like this oh that's a good technology i don't

Maxdo that and you don't need as much as you think no no i always i'm a big waster of shaving cream

Merlinbut also if you're gonna do it twice so you know again we buy the same right don't we buy what like foamy what's that stuff called they're the uh barbasol i love barbasol i think that's what i get i get the the looks like a peppermint uh stripe thing uh but yeah no that's the thing is like a lot of people think like you can get a nice maybe this is a straw man maybe this people don't believe this but i suspect that there are a lot of people that shave really quickly every day and it's all about the blade if you can just remember that you're about to shave and apply something wet

Maxto your face you'll be so much happier like uh do you ever do a do you ever do a hot towel i've done

Merlina hot towel i would love i've tried to get a shave from a barber and they're always like i don't have

Maxtime today oh shit dog we that's a challenge straight uh alice i don't know what you're i don't know what you're gonna do i've got a straight shaving story some sort of lady business i guess uh all right well tell me about the the oh the only thing well all right here's my shaving uh thing because i don't really have a lot to add to this um i'm sure i probably heard you talk about the merits of shaving in the shower and it was it's a whole game changer and now I just do that uh I don't really have a lot to add except that uh I'm also I use a safety razor so it's like a double-bladed safety razor um bought it once in college so you know I don't know 10 years ago

Alexand uh you've been using the same thing in a moist shower yep every couple months I take it out and

Maxand sort of um you can either like throw it in some vinegar just like kind of just like clean it with like a Brillo pad.

MerlinThat's not weird, Alex. That's what people do. Do you get like Wilkinson blades? You get those little skinny classic razor blades?

MaxI do Feather, which is like a Japanese brand and they're on Amazon and I get about 100 blades for $2. Wow.

MerlinI tried that for a while back when I was kind of a shaving hobbyist and I feel like I could make a go of it. I have to be honest. I like ordering, not sponsored the show, I like Harry's Blades and I get them in bulk.

MaxDon't say the name. they should back the Patreon. Back my Patreon,

Merlinbitch. Back my Patreon, bitch. Here's the thing. These two guys wanted to... So anyway, and I will change it almost every time. They bought the factory. They bought the German factory. Listen,

Maxif you go on order, it doesn't... Listen, disregard, there's a whole thing in the shaving boutique artist anal shaving world about using special safety razors. I don't know any of that nonsense. Just buy literally anything that holds a blade basically and then has like a guard on it so you don't slice your face up like a deli meat safety razor i'm telling you you'll never go back because here's a couple of the reasons number one you can change the blade literally every time you shave and it costs nothing it costs nothing

they're basically free that's number one number two even on the third or fourth shave or i'll even if i'm traveling i'll go a whole week on one blade better than a harry's razor and and i don't say that but harry's is not bad harry's is a i've used harry's it's a fine disposable razor it's just the category of single blade you know safety razor is just that much better than the category of disposable razors disposable razors are a bad product mostly this is mostly or only what you've used for years correct for i've had the same razor for 11 years i'm gonna get the vikings blade

Merlinchief and safety razor plus five sweet platinum this is how men used to shave as you get one razor you'd have it for your entire life one thing to be aware of like people know about this if you've ever switched to or from uh like an electric shaver or you know you know a motor shaver to a blade or back uh there is an adjustment period you know what i mean where at first it will seem really really weird when you do it and it can take some time for your approach and maybe even your beard to adjust alex we're not talking about your hair let's talk about your hair

and then I want to tell you about how much I love this stuff but tell me about your habits because you're kind of obsessed with your hair you're a Polish lady

AlexI'm obsessed with getting rid of it all the time anyway women shape very differently you guys got a little portion on your face women have entire legs and other things and I have always used the Venus family of products which they have the song I'm your Venus I'm your fire so I've used that terrible thing for not 20 years. I don't know. When I started, I don't even know. So I use the Venus Swirl. And the problem with it,

it's like one of those disposable razor things where you pop off the top. But they have, it's a plastic razor, but they have like a little grip that's like a, it's like squishy. You know, it's like a silicone weird squishy thing. Like a Zelda? So after, it looks, yeah. All women's shaving products look like some sort of feminine sex toy. And it just gets like gross after a couple months. And then I throw it away and spend another $17. And yeah, and shaving is terrible.

I will say I switched to Barbasol because it's exactly the same thing as Skintimate, the other product that I had used. It's the same thing.

MerlinIt's like paying a lot for shaving cream is crazy.

MaxYeah.

AlexWell, I don't know. I just go in the aisle and buy the pink stuff. Like whatever the pink stuff. They got a new aluminum rustproof bottom.

Merlinon there not like the old days not like it's this is not your daddy's barbasol yeah well and that's

Alexthe thing we go through uh shaving queen shaving cream much more quickly um and well you you talk about max's thing because i i tried some various things to up my shaving game uh but but how did

Merlinyou feel about the fancy fancy oil uh it was really nice i just sent you a link to the little rubber shaving mug that I use, which I love. God, I have so much stuff. I just went to my Amazon order history and searched for shaving. I've had Taylor of Old Bond Street Eaton College Shaving Cream, 2006. I've had Lavender of that one. I have had Pro Rosso, which is like one of the old school go-to Italian shaving cream in a tube. This stuff was really nice, Max. I'm kind of scared to

use it because it looks costly and it only comes out in a very like thin stream so i'm trying to use it very uh conservatively but i didn't notice that much about it while i was using it i was like this smells good i gave some my daughter she put some on her face and i liked i liked the way it smelled i liked the way it felt the real difference was afterward i don't know how it did this but afterward um i felt like a baby's butt i was very supple i felt a lot of baby's butts and i'm just here to tell you that stuff do you get that max you know i'm saying soft as a baby's butt but you

know i'm saying like ordinarily i just feel like a regular face but afterward i was very supple

Maxi feel it's very refreshing they suggest on the tube that you can actually use it before and after you shave oh oil on your face no it's some sort of dairy product it's more like face butter it's like face butter yeah it does it has it has the exact consistency of like whipped butter

Merlinlike the good butter with food fascinates me alex on so many levels what why is it so troubling to put food on your face why would that bother you so much you're not gonna eat it you don't eat it

Maxoff somebody's face it's like you know all women's pharmaceuticals like like everything in our goddamn bathroom that's veronica's it's always like it's got the power of carrots or like it's like a conditioner it's like a conditioner with all the conditioning up anti-oxidizing property of pomegranates like here's the thing that can't be that good to put in your hair people would put fucking pomegranates in their hair and they don't because it's not a conditioner ours are all just

Merlinobsessed with what's not in it everything in our bathroom is just covered because i'll be urinating as i do and reading things while i'm urinating and and there's just so many things about what's not in it it's just laurel laurel sulfate free and parabens free and anyway you should put some

Alexfood on your face it's not such a bad thing the power have either of you ever used any sort of wax to remove hair oh all the time yeah i don't am i right ladies oh god i've got my own hot wax

Maxstation at home god well i i wanted to now what do you have the what do you have the the the waxer

Alexuh 2000 or the 3000 i got the 2008 oh my god no it's not even funny it's so fucking painful it's so bad you go to you go to a person no no no i i was gonna go to i to a waxing person to and i consulted with people but then i was like fuck this i'm just going to buy the uh nair family of products because that's what people use so i got these nair waxing strips put them on they didn't work what's happening is someone did merlin uh merlin disconnected no i'm here who is

calling answer it answer it i i take the call that might be coming from the dell

MaxIt's not your computer?

AlexNo, this is not my computer Are you getting hacked?

MerlinWe're getting hacked Did she leave the area? Is she still there? What is the deal with her and waxing? Why is this such a thing? Do you have any insight into that? Do women wax?

MaxAll women wax all the time?

MerlinNo, but also the wax experience is not a good experience I haven't seen The Shield I can't know how women wax.

AlexTed hung up, apparently. Who was it? It was Ted? I don't know. It was Ted. It was very creepy. Mr. Cruz, his intern, looking for porn on Skype. Some women wax. Some women use lasers, which I'm very interested in, because there's just no amount of wax or shaving cream in the world. I'm a giant Polish Yeti woman. And so I bought these.

MerlinWhat? All over? I mean, is it restricted to certain areas, or do you just have a general fur?

AlexNo, all over. I'm a disgusting human being. Like arm hair.

MerlinYou get arm hair.

AlexOh, God. Well, I mean, I get rid of my arm hair. But I used this Nair stuff. You can just buy strips, and they're incredibly expensive. Please back to Patreon.

And I was like, all right, this will be interesting. It did absolutely nothing. I ripped it off, and there was like five hairs that were removed, And now I have some various rashes all over my body and it hurts and it's terrible. And I hated this challenge. You got to go see a person. Go to a person. I don't maybe, maybe, maybe we'll do follow up. But I will say, so I got one of your nose trimmers thingies and it immediately made me sneeze for like three days straight.

And now I think I'm like back to a normal length that I don't sneeze constantly.

MaxSo the challenge was to put some sort of dairy product on your face and shave.

AlexNo, God, I'm sure.

MaxAnd instead of putting a food on your face, now you're sneezing and you have a rash.

AlexYes. Well, all right. This is some great follow-up, though. There was a little protective thing, and it's like, oh, you can trim your eyebrows, too. So I put the little protective thing on it, and I'm like, all right, if I accidentally shave off my eyebrows, this will be funny. So normally I'm like a plucking person, but I groomed them fairly nicely. It just takes off the long boys? Yeah, yeah. It just gets rid of the crazy. I don't have Bannon eyebrows Is this with the little Panasonic things? Maybe, I don't know, it was from Walgreens

MerlinOh man, I want that Sometimes I'll forget about eyebrow hairs and I'll be sitting there watching my programs at night and I'll kind of just be going, hmm, like this and I'll go, hmm, hmm

AlexDoes your lady point them out? I get that, hmm, got some craziness

MerlinSometimes I save them I've had some very long hair, sometimes I'll save them What do you do with them?

MaxWhat do you do with them?

MerlinI had a five inch long pubic hair I kept in an envelope for a few years. Jesus Christ, how old? How old were you? 21.

AlexOh, no, no.

MerlinIt was really probably long. But talking about like. Why?

MaxTo what end though? Why?

MerlinFrom like a Nate Silver standpoint, it wasn't an outlier. It was a truly profound pubic hair. It was like its own little ecosystem. It was like a great Mississippi River. river and uh yeah i had it i had it in an envelope that said pubic hair on it oh my god i don't know where it is now i probably lost it in a move i don't i don't think i could make it again not if i tried well it's not a collection if you just have all of them it's not a collection unless you put them out and lovingly display them you gotta have more than one and you have to you have

to uh yeah i have a lot of things like that it might have been longer it might have been six inches but i mean it was oh god stop no no you would expect let me see the longest one i can

Alexgetting out. All right. Oh, God. Back us on Patreon. Goodbye.

Show notes

Transcript

42. First Responders

Show notes

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