41. She’s a Saucy Dumpster

AlexThis is Do By Friday, the weekly challenge podcast with Merlin Mann, Alex Cox and Max Temkin. This week's challenge, eat popcorn with a spoon.

All right. Is this the episode?

MaxHello, everybody. Welcome to episode 41 of Do By Friday. I'm your host, Max Hempkin, here in the studio with Merlin Mann and Alex Cox. Gross. That's great, Max. How's it going, guys? Ew. It's so good. Let's start with the weather traffic news.

Speaker BOut on the 280, there's a bumper-to-bumper jackknife big rig. Back to you, Max.

MaxMattress in the lanes. Mattress in the lanes. Car fires.

Speaker AHave you ever seen a car fire?

MerlinI hear a lot about car fires. I don't see a lot of car fires.

MaxOh, boy, have I seen a car fire. I slow down. I go real slow. Do you have the term rubberneck? I'm a rubbernecker. No, no, no. Wait, sorry. Not rubberneck. Excuse me. Gaper's block. Gaper's block. Gaper's block. Do you have the term gaper's block? Didn't know it. Isn't that a blog in Chicago? No, it's a Chicago word. It's one of these regionalisms like pop where when everyone slows down to stare at a car fire and you want to see like, did the person, did they die in the fire? Did they perish in the fire? Are they currently on fire? Did they get out? You slow down. You got to scope it out and see what the fire situation is. That's a gaper's block. It's a block caused by the gapers. and then and then andrew huff named his like his like very important like local chicago

news and culture blog gaper's block because it was just sort of a crazy regionalism that only chicago people know gaper's block what about the murders do people stop to look at the murders

Merlini i heard there's a lot of murders when people were driving to their work or they're taking

Alextheir child to school do they stop to watch the murders yes it's a very dangerous city so it sounds really they should send in some federales you watch the pigeons they're just punching each

Merlinother it's it's a fucking pigeons you know why because they don't have strong father figures

Speaker Awhy don't the pigeons just pull up their pants i don't understand what how if you're why don't you just just learn the language you know uh all right we never talk about the americans uh big uh before we get uh too deep into our business we have big breaking huge

Maxbig balls of business friday news uh dubai friday is launching a patreon so if you love the podcast and you love that we don't do ads on this and you enjoy listening to us please support us for $5 a month on patreon.com slash Dubai Friday where if you subscribe Alex tell the people what they get

Alexoh you get to know the challenge a week in advance and you will know that by we kind of have had this after show type thing going on for a while where we make fun of Max for about 20 minutes and decide what the challenge is so if you would like to hear that 15 to 30 minutes worth of just garbage you get to participate in the

Merlinchallenge with it's almost like it's a little i'm calling mini episode i'm not gonna sell it sell it short it's a minisode web moment the thing to understand about dubai friday is we're aware

Maxthat we're speaking to a large public audience here and we have a lot of decorum you know we're really hold back we restrain ourselves when we do this show and you know it's when the mic when the But when the mics are off afterwards, when we do our old private after show, that's where it really pops off. It's really crazy. I mean, I get cocked every week. Yeah. Speaking of which.

AlexPeople think I'm laughing a lot now, and I make them noise a lot. You don't even know.

MaxWe gossip about all the people in the Slack channels with us at work.

MerlinWe talk about who we like and don't like. Now, do we officially add a second level to this? Is there officially a second level?

MaxWell, we'll leave that. You know what?

MerlinHere's a special surprise. You go to patreon.com slash do by Friday and you might find a special surprise. You'll find how to support the show, give us your money and time and interest allowing. You might be able to become one of Cox's Cucks.

MaxWell, I guess let's also plug the poster. Our friend Kevin Budnick made a pretty sweet show poster. It's got all the characters that you know and love, all the references that we love to do over and over and over. We've got Alex Jones, Bane, some other ones, The Powders, Elon Musk.

Speaker AOh, God, there's so many.

MerlinI showed it to John Syracuse. He didn't think it was funny. And he pointed out that that should actually be a trademark, not a copyright. Also, we got the date wrong, apparently. You got dude wipes. You got dob dob. You got Casey saying dob dob. You got my father. John Spicer gum man. Remember him? He looks he's really melting down bad. Oh, you know, he brings a certain candor to the podium. This is a good, good poster. Oh, you got your you know what? you got your main man David Avocado Wolf on there.

MaxYou can get the poster. Go to patreon.com slash do by Friday. Throw us five bucks and then there's links on there for the poster and all the other stuff. And like Alex said, a number of people have asked us, they're like, hey, tell us in advance what the challenge is going to be because we want to like do the challenge with you so we can, you know, sort of like participate along with the podcast in a facsimile of real friendship with you guys and live out the fantasy of this imagined relationship. and you can do that for only $5 a month.

MerlinWe'll tell you what the challenge is. Yeah. Yeah, we'll laugh along. We'll laugh along with you. But, you know, I think this is a good thing. I think you should give us some money is what I think. I say that maybe like once a year, but I want your fucking money. Don't you, Alex? You don't want the money, Alex?

AlexOh, no, I really want the money. I'm thinking about if my cats starve and like what happens if they run out of cat litter. So guys, think about that. Think about all my, think about all of our cat stories here.

MerlinThink about the cats. I recently learned that there is a subgenre of porn that's about... It's a BDSM sub-branch where a lady talks to you and she berates you and then she... Basically, the porn is about giving her money. And that's a... You talk about elegance.

Speaker AThat is elegance.

MerlinNow, what if we had another level?

Speaker AWait, that's what people are getting off to is giving the lady your money? Yeah. Let's try financial domination? Oh, my God.

MerlinHow do we get into this? I see, because I think Alex. Oh, Ebony Mistress, humiliation domination black hot tube patrol humiliation black now this is an angle that we

Maxshould be working okay this is the premium this is the premium tier of our patreon i mean we're

Alexjust really cop this is what hulu does to me every month really oh am i right oh someone's been a bad

Maxboy he's got to watch the ads you turn a little bit of money you like horizontal scrolling you

Merlinlike that you can't find the show you want you like that msnbc is on the other fucking end of it off from cnn who puts those on the opposite ends of the dial you go to patreon.com slash do by friday and alex will personally cuck you for money jazz break

Alexoh my god duck call this is i don't know if there's a the whistle that says grunt wheeze oh that's like a hog call that calls a hog exactly but i realized that my sad groans kind of like if If I was a gigantic Hagrid myself, it would be like this.

Speaker BOh, gosh.

MerlinI don't like that at all.

AlexI like this nice holo.

MerlinNow, if a guy wanted to play with himself while you made that noise, what would you charge for that? Be honest. Be honest. Don't overthink it. 69. Nice.

AlexIt's the sex number, right? From what I'm told.

MerlinWhat if somebody wanted to blaze up with you? What if somebody wanted to rip some cotton with you?

AlexMaybe some 420, somewhere around that number. Nice.

MerlinGo to patreon.com slash Dubai Friday and give us your fucking money.

MaxFollow-up. Fortune Magazine, September 1st, 2017. Juicero has run out of juice. The San Francisco-based maker of countertop cold-pressed juicers said today that it is shutting down operations and suspending the sale of its presses and produce packs immediately. The announcement on the company's website comes after the startup said in July that it was undergoing a, quote, strategic shift to more quickly lower the cost of its 399 juicers and $5 to $7 juice packs filled with raw fruits and vegetables. As part of the shift, the company said that it would lay off about a quarter of its staff.

Speaker BWhoa, whoa, whoa.

MaxSo the real message there is they're keeping three quarters of their staff? Well, that was back in July. Oh, daily cold press juice? Now they're keeping none of their staff, and they're out of money.

MerlinDaily cold press juice we can make at home?

MaxYes, please. I just want to say once again I get cucked by one of these tech startups because I bought the $400 juicer. No. And now I can't. Oh, well, I have two. No. I have two. I have one. I have one, and then you have a backup. But you're saying I have $800 worth of juicers, but I can't get my $5 to $7 pulp packs. And I need my pulp packs to make the juice. Max, is this one of those things?

MerlinWhere are my subscription pulp packs? Is this one of those things, is this one of those jam-ups where you're not supposed to, like, they put a code in the coffee maker, makes it impossible to use third-party juices?

Speaker AYou can't just go into Amazon Marketplace and get a pack of juices, right?

MaxWell, I think, so indeed, I think it does have a QR code, which of course I know because I own two of these. I think it does have a QR code reader. But their whole business model was it was like a giveaway the razor for $400 sell the blade situation where you get the $5 to $7 pulp packs mailed to you. Pulp pack.

Merlinand and and and the other thing is here's another pop pack the other beauty part of this is my understanding is they have electronic expiration uh recognition well that's when you know that your pulp is fresh you gotta have fresh pulp in your pulp pack we can't have pulp listen you guys

Alexknow that i am a big fan of the internet of things i may or may not be a supporter of the smalt indiegogo um you know the the salt centerpiece but this is the worst thing it's just the worst there's a whole genre of youtube videos uh called the juicero just squeeze where people they use the juicero and then they take the little pulp back and squeeze it out faster than the juicero

Maxno no no it's it's actually worse than that so there was a bloomberg article in april that um sort of was an expose on the juicero and the whole thing is it's this very expensive 400 press and it's like we read the qr code and apply just the right pressure to juice the pulp in just the right way so that all the macronutrients come out into the juice. But what Bloomberg did was they just took the pulp pack and squeezed it with their hands and all the juice came out just fine. So you don't need this $400 juicer.

AlexNo, not at all. Oh, gosh.

MerlinI've charged my daughter with something new, which is she was so excited about smaltz. She is now going to be out finding the worst things on the internet for us. And all I ask is that we credit her for it. Oh, my gosh. Your daughter? Yeah, because she's getting really good at finding terrible things on the internet and then sharing it with me. And she wants me to bring it to the show because she knows how much Alex likes smalt. She loves Alex. I love smalt. Today's edition is DIY, how to make a kinetic sand cake rainbow fidget spinner.

DIY, how to make kinetic sand cake rainbow fidget spinners. So get some kinetic sand. It's got it all. It's got it all. So I got to send you this video. Basically, you make a giant fidget spinner out of sand and then cut it. They recommend using a knife.

AlexOh, this is so in my wheelhouse.

MerlinShe knows me so well. That's very on brand for you.

AlexOh, my gosh.

MerlinIt's not actually a fidget spinner. It's really just a bunch of sand, and you cut it with a knife. They recommend a knife for cutting it.

AlexSo if I'm to understand this correctly, it is just a pile of kinetic sand shaped like a fidget spinner.

MerlinIt's a giant, giant. It's probably the size of a sewer lid. You get a very long knife. They recommend cutting it with a knife. Okay. And so what you do is you make all these different sections, and then you slice them real gentle-like. They recommend a knife. and then you make the little invaginations into which you can stick the round parts of the dingus that aren't really a fidget spinner and it's about the size of a they recommend cutting it with a knife DIY how to make kinetic sand cake rainbow fidget spinner learn colors

Maxnow are you guys watching sand cutting videos on YouTube oh yeah now we are now excuse me on Instagram I think all the good the good ones are on Instagram yes

Merlinwe watch some my daughter is into them now on YouTube I think because she knew Alex was into them

Maxdo you do Instagram at all Merlin no

Merlinno no no I don't have any sources of photo information I don't know if there's birds on the wires today. I don't know how the creme brulee turned out. So many things. I'm just out of the loop.

AlexNow, what if we had a Patreon tier where people could privately subscribe to your cat's Instagram? Oh, shit, dog.

MerlinThat would take – I would need to know that that was going to pay for her education after my early death, the cat. Like the most recent one I sent you where she's very, very wet.

MaxListen, everybody, tweet Ed Merlin and say how much you would pay to look at an Instagram feed of his cat.

MerlinAt Alex Cox is where I like to get that.

Speaker AYeah, that one of her looking like a drowned rat was pretty sad. She looked like the angry cat from Houston. Like, why is my home flooded?

Speaker BMeh.

MerlinYakety sacks. Well, you know what? As long as we're making a little bit of dough with this, maybe there's something. I will go for that if we could create some kind of a space that is available to our Patreon members, but it's something shitty from all three of us. So I would take care of terrible pictures of my ugly cat who has a gut that looks like my daughter thinks it's her vagina hanging down. She's got a big gut that hangs down. She's wet and filthy. Wow. Yeah. She says, yeah, look at that. When she walks, she can see her vagina. Oh, my God. So I don't know if she knows what that is.

Oh, my God. But I'm in for that. But now I also want you guys to have a little bit of vagina in the game. I recommend the knife. You guys need to get in there and post something awful from you as well.

MaxOkay. Here's my pitch of what I'm going to post. on the dubai friday patreon instagram um now i think i should post instagrams of other ads that i see on instagram because i know we've talked a lot about crazy ads that you see for stuff but instagram is the king of crazy ads it's it's the worst of the worst it's the shit tier worst of the worst what are you talking about when i go on instagram i see ads for tactical lasers like where it's like a video of a guy like grinning and like popping a balloon and it's like this laser is

illegal in 38 states. Click here to back it on Indiegogo. I see ads for renter's insurance despite the fact that I'm now a homeowner. I see the ad of the video of the guy pouring ketchup on his white shirt. Do you see that one?

Speaker AI think I'm getting your mortgage ads even though I'm a renter. I think there's been some kind of a mix-em-up here.

AlexI get mortgage ads now.

Speaker AYeah, it's like Obama doesn't want you to know about this reverse mortgage package.

Speaker B36 things about Obama doesn't want you to know.

MerlinSo you're going to do ad screen grabs. Oh, you know, obviously, Alex, you've got to do financial domination on Instagram.

AlexI don't know what that means.

MerlinThat means you berate the cucks in the audience and you wave money at them while they're playing with themselves. Oh, yes, of course. And then they send that to us. Financial domination. But in the Alex Cox bespoke financial domination style. So you have time to develop that.

MaxDid you guys hear the John Ronson, the porn podcast that he's doing? Yeah. So he's doing a podcast about weird pornography and he, the first episode, I think they ran it on This American Life.

AlexPoint of order, it's not a podcast. It's behind, not just, I'm totally fine with podcasts behind paywalls, but you have to, it is an audible program.

MaxListen, that's bullshit. Any audio content that people have to pay to listen to is a complete sellout move. Those people have to be ashamed of themselves. How dare they?

AlexAlright, Ron Johnson's show.

MaxSo the first episode that he did, he profiled this company where you can pay them to make custom porn for you. And he just went to this company. He's like, what are some of the weird things that people have paid for? And some of them were actually very touching and sad. But the one that I remember is this old guy wanted these porn stars to fully clothe to burn his stamp collection that he had been collecting for his entire life. and talk about what a bad person and a nerd he was for collecting stamps

i kind of wish and stomp on the stamps with their high heels

Alexoh while they were burning all right kind of buried the lead there sorry i'm remembering it in pieces all right uh dig dug dig dug dig dug i've got uh some i don't know if it's follow up or follow in we didn't really talk about this a lot but um Oh, we did, because you guys informed me of Hydrox and Numino's, which are apparently real Oreos. And this morning I got some, and I just want to eat them. And that's why I'm interested.

MaxOh, yeah. I don't know why. I think I'm a little behind, and I missed the whole Numino's discussion, the whole Numino's discourse.

AlexI think it's a big podcast.

MaxYeah, but Numino's are very good, and I've been privy to the—I just want to say they're— Would you like one? No, I can't eat garbage right now.

AlexOh, come on.

MaxThey're way better than Oreos. I've been hip to the Newmanos for years.

AlexNice. They're very good.

MaxThey're very good.

AlexWait, all profits go to charity. How does that work?

MaxAll profits go to charity.

AlexOh, I see. Okay. I don't know words. There we go.

MaxAll of Paul Newman's stuff is for charity. Oh. All his salad dressings. Profits go to charity. Problem.

AlexMmm. So how's it tasting? I mean, fine. Creme filled.

MerlinCreme. Wait for the creme.

AlexThis just tastes like exactly what a Whole Foods cookie you'd expect to taste like.

MaxIn that it's better than Oreos?

AlexNo, it just... I feel like it's just... It's got a little organic taste. Oh, you guys aren't super tasters. Can you tell the difference between organic chips and regular-ass chips?

MerlinNope.

AlexOh, well.

MerlinSo is it anything you can describe?

AlexI don't... It's a strange sensation. Usually, like...

MerlinIt's like stamp-collecting pornography. You know it when you see it.

AlexExactly. Like, you think it's less greasy. It's not actually less greasy. It's just less chemically. And then it'll probably give you less of, I've heard it gives you, like, less of acid reflux or, like, heartburn. Man, am I going to get heartburn now that I've reached 27, the peak idiot age? Is that, like, when it starts? Should I not be eating? You are a very nervous person.

MerlinI predict reflux. Reflux.

MaxThat's an Instagram ad I get, a special pillow you can sleep on that was invented by doctors that helps you not get acid reflux. i get some for purple which is apparently a mattress oh i get the purple ones yeah god that thing is ugly can you imagine having that in your house um yeah don't worry i haven't

Alexbought the pillow and it's not on the way it's just the pillow but it looks cool it's like a little uh mesh rubbery thing i don't i don't know purple pillow i have a i have a hello i have one

Maxof those uh they're not paying me i got the hello it's one of the only podcast things that i heard about and i ordered and i sleep i really like it i sleep i like it too i i kind of want to get a

Merlinsecond one and really load it up i'd like it to be fully i like to be fully hard just big balls of husk i'd like you know what i mean i'd like it to be real i i like it a lot i like it a lot but i end up going shaka shaka shaka and make it like you know like you're gonna hit somebody at a pillow fight at a party you want to get a really like a hard pillow i like it like that oh you

MaxYou could disable a bat with this thing if there was a bat flying around your kitchen.

Speaker BDaddy, daddy.

MaxGet him, Derry.

MerlinI'm wondering, though. I didn't think that would be funny, and then I watched it, and it was really fucking funny.

MaxWhat are you talking about? That's the Scottish guys on the roof, but all over again.

MerlinIt's very good. We'll put it in the show notes. You're not open behind that door. Purple pillow.

AlexOh, wow.

MerlinCheck your iMessages.

AlexI had a good joke. Merlin, if your pillow is still hard after four hours, is there someone you can call for that?

MerlinHey, I gotta tell you.

AlexWe got this guy over here. What is this?

MerlinThese are just images to get your juices flowing.

MaxI like this. Put your feet on the money.

MerlinShe's got dagger nails.

MaxThis is a great racket to get into. You see why I choose that word elegant? It's so perfect. Let's be honest. All three of us have a little bit of this going on with Apple. We're like, yeah, come on. Give us the $1,200 iPhone. Make us pay for it. Of course I'll buy a HomePod. Come on, give it to me.

AlexHere's the thing. I wish that I had a weird fetish. I wish that I could be the cool weirdo who married her laptop. I remember there was a story about that 10 years ago. a guy in the UK did like a civil petition to marry his 12 inch power book which I mean

Maxyou know we let the gays marry and then one year later you have people you have women marrying laptops pretty soon you can own a bakery

Merlinwith a duck what's happening what's happening what the fuck is happening

AlexI'm sorry this is great noise guys

I've been off because I've been in another country. I haven't been following the terrible, terrible news. Do you have any fun things for us to read, Max?

MaxWell, it's mostly been a sad, upsetting week. I mean, I like that Trump signed the wall of like a refugee. He autographed a hurricane shelter. Yeah. And the other funny thing was there was a New York Times op-ed from Eric Prince, Betsy DeVos' brother, who's the CEO and founder of Blackwater, the mercenary company that embezzled lots of money and fucked things up in Iraq. And his op-ed was – the title was Contractors, not troops, will save Afghanistan.

You know, just a normal great op-ed that the New York Times should run. Just another sign that this is all normal. Oh, this is very normal. I mean, A, I tell Kevin that whenever the toilets clog in the office and the shit lord rises up, that's exactly what I say. I say, contractors, not the troops, will save this toilet. Call the contractors. Poor Kevin. But that was a crazy – I can't believe that. I think in the interest of fairness and equal time, the New York Times should let me write an op-ed saying, card games, not the troops, will save Afghanistan.

Oh, my goodness. I should write that. That would be a good Medium post. Alex, file that on my to-do list.

AlexYeah, yeah. And then now don't you get paid? Is that Medium's new business model?

MaxThey don't get any money, but they give money away. Well, it's been a number of quacks. You get a number of quacks. Quacks or beeps? What do you get? You get an epic clapback, and then if you get enough epic clapbacks, you turn that in for cyber beans, and then you can exchange your cyber beans for bitcoins.

MerlinThat's that one Whoopi Goldberg did. You come in, you get your flues, and then you get to switch that back.

MaxI watch people streaming Twitch now, and it's fucking – I don't understand what the fuck is going on. There's, like, little bits flying around the screen, and it's, like – there's a little sound effect, and there's always a person going, like, Thank you, Dicklord420, for giving me 100,000 bits.

AlexWhat the fuck?

MaxDo you not – Twitch is crazy now.

AlexYeah, yeah. That's the thing. When does Twitch become porn? It feels like such a thin line between Camgirl and Twitch streamer, which is fine. I wish there was more guys owning it. Like, all right, this next, if I make the top 10 in PUBG, I'm just going to uncover this nipple. And yeah. That's a good idea. I know. It's one of my many good ideas, one of six good ideas I have every other year.

MaxIt's weird. I mean, there is something similar to watching people play video games as there is to watching cooking shows or watching pornography. It's very titillating, but it doesn't ultimately address the urge. You know what I mean? It's like if you're hungry and you watch a cooking show, it sort of speaks to your desires, but not in a satisfactory way. Same with porn. Same with video games. It's like, I guess if you're like a kid or you can't afford the game and you're watching a stream of someone else playing it, it's like it's sort of arousing and it sort of scratches the itch.

But, you know, it's not really what you want. Right. You really want to get a Q-tip all the way in there.

AlexYeah. Oh, are there videos of people? You know how there are videos of apparently people like popping acne and getting up?

MaxR slash popping.

AlexOh, is that? Oh, no. Is that a thing?

MaxOh, you've never been on Reddit?

AlexNo. It's reddit.com slash r slash popping.

MaxThe popping community. It's a community.

Speaker AThere is Q-tip porn.

AlexYes. I just found it. You know what? Maybe that is my fetish. Maybe I just haven't done a deep dive.

MerlinEw, this is very graphic.

Speaker AOh, they're not putting it in their ears, Alex.

AlexOh, okay. Never mind. Don't put this in.

Speaker AI don't want to see this. Don't put it in the back.

AlexNope. Nope.

Speaker AOh, God.

MaxOh, here was the other thing that was. This is very on brand for Dubai Friday. Some politics news. everybody take the q-tips out of your urethras I gotta read this thing okay this is on Wired and this was a piece by Ashley Feinberg one of the great tech writers in the ongoing drama that is the Trump presidency secondary characters constantly float in and out as new storylines and special counsel inquiries come to light it's easy to lose track so to help let's get to know some of Trump's satellites both new and old

a little better let's take a look at their Amazon.com wish lists did you guys see this yes it is the velour pants it is great when whether purposefully made or not the below seem very likely to be genuine wish lists of several residents of trump world thanks to the help of amazon's wish list search feature all it takes to pin them down is an email address or a relatively uncommon last name so um let's go let's start with our favorite boy sebastian gorka last week dr professor sebastian gorka phd was asked to leave the white house

According to Gorka, though, he resigned because, quote, This is by no means the first time Gorka has found himself in the center of conflicting accounts, nor apparently is it the last. According to his Amazon wish list search function, someone with Gorka's exact email address created the following order over a period of several months. Excuse me, created the following list over a period of several months in 2015.

So what's on there? There's a book by Cesar Millan, the dog whisperer, called Be the Pack Leader. Use Cesar's way to transform your dog into your life. Exercise, discipline, and then affection. This one pains me. There's a Terry Pratchett Discworld book, book 26.

And then there's something called The Next Hundred Years. And it's, I don't know. I can't. I'm zooming. Oh, I don't know what this is. It's some sort of foreign policy thing, I guess. uh the person using gorka's email address uh also happens to choose items that align perfectly with gorka's interests reading cesar milan's be the pack leader gorka appears to be a lover of dogs gorka is also an avowed terry pratchett fan and which is very sad i can't believe how could sebastian gorka and i both like terry pratchett like it doesn't add up like i don't understand

how he could read those books and then come away with it with his worldview like something that is so fucked up when you when that happens with something that you love it's like fundamentally like those books, I guess, don't mean to everyone what I think they mean. Then she goes on to say, when contacted at the same email address as the one connected to the Amazon account for confirmation, Gorka responded with the following, quote, I don't have an Amazon account. Are you hacking private individuals' accounts now? Sebastian Gorka. I asked Gorka if he has any idea how his email address might have become connected to an apparently unrelated account that shares both his name and his interests, and his response,

quote, none at all. Art War. Art War.

MerlinArt War. That's his license plate.

MaxOh, Art War. Yes, and then did you see the tweet of someone posted a picture of his fucking, what is it? It's the most, like, asshole car in the world.

MerlinI think it's a Mustang, and it took him seven tries to parallel park.

MaxYep, someone posted a picture of his Mustang with the bumper sticker, with the license plate Art War, and it was, like, Art of War by Sun Tzu, and he could not get into his parallel parking spot. Okay, next, Felix Sater. Sater, if you can recall, as far back as Monday. Why would they make the spaces so small? is the Trump business associate who wrote in an email to Trump's lawyer, quote, our boy can become president of the USA and we can engineer it. I will get all of Putin's team to buy in on this. I will manage this process. A former broker for Trump organization,

Seder also formerly owned internet domains like VaginaBoy.com and Cuntman.net. According to his now deleted Amazon... That one's a service provider, yeah. Yeah, yeah, you buy... They're associated with GoDaddy.

According to his now deleted Amazon wishlist, He also once yearned for the Buy Super Tea Variety Pack Antioxidant-Infused Tea 18 Fluid Ounce Bottles Pack of 12. Typing Felix Sater into the Amazon Wishlist search page will bring up both a Felix Sater and a Felix H. Sater. As it happens, the full name of the Trump-affiliated Felix Sater is Felix Henry Sater. It would appear that we have a match. Now, the thing's on here. He's got a $500 backpack, a Toomey Sinclair Han backpack, Earl Grey, and it looks kind of ugly.

Got a $197 pair of sunglasses, a Porsche design, plus 250 lightweight reading tool, modern, Titan slash black color frame with anti-reflection coated lenses.

I asked Sater to confirm whether this was his Amazon wish list, to which he responded, quote, are you kidding me? Is Alan Funt from Candid Camera going to jump out of the bushes now?

MerlinWow.

MaxWhen I went back to check on the list after receiving Sater's email, every item had been deleted. Oh, fake news. Fake news. The screenshots, however, remain. So let's see. Scrolling down the list a little more, we've got the mustard magnetic paperclip dispenser, Grey Genius paperclip holders. This is sort of an Albert Einstein molded paperclip dispenser. That's fun.

A book about anti-Semitism. Is it a textbook? Yeah. There's a couple of textbooks. There's the Buy Super T Variety Pack. There's the Derrick Rose Men's Niko 1 Velour Jersey Lounge Pant Navy Large.

Speaker ALarge pants.

MaxThere's the Boker Damascus African Ebony Pocket Knife. $315.

Speaker AThat's a nice knife. They make a nice knife.

MaxThere's the Viper Tech Rechargeable Stun Gun with LED Tactical Flashlight Black.

AlexSo this no longer exists, right? No, he deleted it.

MaxI want it. So it's not his list. But as soon as the journalist emailed him about it, it was deleted.

Speaker BYeah.

MaxThere's the $2,499 Forno Toscano Margarita Portable Wood Fired Oven. A special oven for cooking pizzas. There's no price tag. There's a Prodeco Technologies G Plus Stride electric folding bicycle.

That's cool. Diverse interests. If I saw a guy riding a folding electric bicycle down the street, I'd go, now that's a cool guy.

Speaker BThat's someone who should be advising our president right there. Are those large navy blue velour pants you're wearing? I see you have a knife.

AlexOh, I suggest that.

MaxAnd then I think there was one more. Oh, and then, of course, Scaramucci. Fortunately, first Anthony Scaramucci is a relatively uncommon name. There are only two potential mooches with Amazon wish lists, and only one of those comes with a bright, beaming headshot. So basically the picture on the Amazon account, he changed his user avatar to a photo of himself. So this one is almost certainly him. So let's see. On here we have Against the State, an anarcho-capitalist manifesto by Lulon Rockwell Jr. I would rather die than read that book.

You have a book called a business, one of these like failure equals success business success win books. The Obstacle is the Way, the Timeless Art of Turning Trials into Triumph by Ryan Holiday. Like I feel like you'd buy that, you'd see that at a FedEx when you're going to make copies. and next to the greeting cards with the old lady who's like uh the grumpy old lady

Speaker Ai'd like to workshop some of those books i i that is a very popular uh let's see i can't get up uh i keep failing that is such a genre who moved my parachute do you know the greeting

Maxdo you know the greeting cards of the old lady like and she's like they sell that's when you're Oh, the old lady.

MerlinSure, sure. She's like a branded Hallmark character. What's his name? Genie or something?

MaxSo whenever you're in a truly shit-tier retail space, like the FedEx rotating thing, they have garbage business books and take control, like 30 surprising steps from entrepreneurs and CEOs. And then they have the cards with her. And it's always a picture of the hunched-over lady with the glasses. And then she's always like, the food's too expensive. or it's like the food is bad and the portions are too small.

MerlinHer name is Maxine.

MaxMaxine.

MerlinAnd she says, everyone is entitled to my opinion, Maxine Trademark. Maxine's got a mobile app. You get the Maxine mobile app.

MaxThis is what old people were into

Speaker Abefore Minion memes.

MerlinI heart my attitude problem. Oh, she's got a whole series of books too. Back in a hot flash, Out to Lunch, But Enough About Everybody in Management, On Vacation Will Return, Wake Me When It's Quittin' Time. That's a Maxine book. I'm get out of workaholic.

MaxSounds like a lot of time theft happening on her.

MerlinPrintable office signs. Oh, look at that. You can print these out. That's nice.

Speaker AOh, these are free PDFs.

AlexOkay.

MaxImagine liking Maxine so much that you go to the website, you access the free PDF, you print it on your office printer, and then hang it up. Yeah. Back in a hot flesh.

AlexI don't want to imagine.

MaxAnd then finally on Scaramucci's wish list, you have David Brooks' The Road to Character. And this is the book about how to be an upstanding person with good character where he wound up cheating on his wife with his intern, the young woman who worked on the book with him and then eventually married her. And I believe she's the first person thanked in the credits of the book. That's nice. The Road to Character, guys. It's The Road to Character. The Road to Character. When reached over DM, Scaramucci offered the following. He said, Hi, Ashley. Seems like a list I would like, but I don't think it's mine. Hope you are well. That's nice. I am break now, but I will be back.

This was just minor blip. And then she writes, great, thanks. And back where? And he says, in NY, working on a new business, and of course, staying politically active. Good for him. And then she writes, great to hear. Also not an outright denial, because as previously mentioned, it is incredibly easy to create a wish list without realizing what you're doing. Because if you basically, like, if you buy, if you have things in your shopping cart, and then you go, like, buy later. Yeah, right. It transfers it to your wish list.

AlexI didn't know you could have an avatar on Amazon. I didn't either. That's interesting. Cool. All right. Let's see if I got one.

MaxShe says, It is true that anyone could ostensibly make an Amazon account, name it Anthony Scaramucci, use Anthony Scaramucci's photo, and choose only items that Anthony Scaramucci might be interested in. Considering that this particular mooch added his first item in May of 2010, however, that all seems highly unlikely.

MerlinThat's a very long con.

MaxI was so delighted by this article. She's great. Amazing job. Very good.

AlexI'm trying to add a photo of myself to Amazon so that if anybody ever finds it, they won't be able to see my wish list and be like, oh, that's someone else named Alex Cox.

MaxThey just go, I was hacked.

AlexThey used my email address. You got hacked.

Speaker BI got hacked.

AlexYou got hacked.

MerlinSomebody hacked my account and put all these Q-tips on a wish list. I got hacked.

AlexAll these Pokemon Lego sets are not, I don't know why I would want these.

MaxI'm looking around the room. I'm looking at everyone's outfits today. And I have to say that none of our garments presently have any movement. I'm very concerned. Indeed. Indeed.

MerlinOh, my God. Oh, the running around. Why are they always running? I think they must have made an agreement. We're talking about the twins here at this point, right?

Speaker AMm-hmm. Pumpkin, it's amazing, Pumpkin.

MerlinI love it. I think they just agreed they're always going to run and talk loud, and that will make for interesting camera things. They run. Why are they running all the time?

MaxI mean, they've made a deal with the devil. I mean, they've clearly made a deal with the devil where they will be increasingly insane every week that they're on the show in exchange for not getting kicked off. Yeah, yeah.

AlexSo I still haven't seen the actual show, but I've been watching clips of the twins. so I can don't you yeah but I'm busy I usually well I mean it should be on Hulu but got cucked there but do you think they're they were just like a a whabam sort of casting or are they like actually whaboom whaboom I've I've pushed that show so far out of my mind are they are they actually good

MerlinI thought you loved that show you guys you guys were all gay for that show you're not into it

Maxwell then

MerlinI like it

MaxI'm still gay for it it. I'm still gay for it. All right. Listen, here's the difference. The only difference to me. So in order to just get in the door on Project Runway and complete the, forget doing well, just to complete the first challenge, right? You have to be extremely skilled just to technically be able to create any garment. Forget if it's good. Just to get something on the runway in the time constraints that you have in like a new studio and just get through that first thing. you have to have a high level of talent that is the key difference between top chef and top dress

and something like bachelor like what do you have to have to be on the bachelor you have to fucking nice abs yeah right i mean you have to just not be a grotesque monster i guess but you don't have to have any talent and in fact there are people who they just let on because they're like purely amusing and they have no character you know they have no like talent or abilities so the twins like they're not incompetent they're just they're just obnoxious yeah they're like technically very good at making clothes maybe not as good as the other people i mean i hope we're not going to just keep

Merlindoing this whole like asymmetrical thing and i think that's gonna fly you got some real talent in that in that group and uh i hope they keep them around just because they're they are a laugh but like no no no uh yeah who do i like i like uh kenya i like uh botany i like i like lots of them

AlexThese are real names. Okay.

MerlinIt's not spelled like botany. It's said like botany. She's cool. She's got cool hair. I like the girl in the headscarf.

Speaker AI think she's good. Oh, she's very good. I forgot what the challenge was this week. It wasn't the garbage. The fake unconventional challenge.

MerlinAnd then they had... What was the next one? I don't remember either.

MaxWas it the garbage? Was that the most recent one?

MerlinCan't be.

AlexIs that something they do every season? I feel like... They do an unconventional challenge every season.

Speaker AOh, it was the movement with the dancers.

MerlinOh, the movement. Oh, my God. And the trans guy, that was a little on the nose. That was very bad.

MaxI was very – I'm amazed. When people do those transforming dresses, like the ones – remember they did the rain episode last season?

Speaker AYeah, we had some words about that one, but that was a very interesting challenge. Those ones blow my mind.

MaxJust from a technical point of view, those ones really impressed me.

Speaker AYeah, I agree.

MaxI mean, I don't know anything about fashion, but those seem like very technically impressive garments.

MerlinI'm not we've talked about tucks to death at this point but like I am I still think above me above all else obviously you need some sort of organizational skills in the bait you need to have the experience to know how to envision how your idea becomes a three-dimensional garment on a budget and with time but the I think people who are good tailors good seamsters like those are the people who often excel because oh god look at that terrible one what's his name made we're like it was longer than the mullet dress where it was all frayed in front didn't even have a

Maxhim that was terrible it was so bad well i'm also like i'm over them talking about the plus size models stop oh god it's like stop jerking yourself off over it like you you did the thing you should have done like 10 years ago well and we get it just stop making it such a thing every week you know they're deploying love your body situation basically so like they basically this this this season for the first time they wrote they have a diverse array of body types of the models and there's plus size models and instead of getting like there's tiny women there's tiny women and

Merlinnormal sized women.

MaxYeah. Yeah. And you get, you basically get randomly assigned to a model and every week it has to be a plot line on the show of the person who gets one of the plus size models where they're like,

MerlinSean struggled

Maxbecause she's never, I've never made a, I've never made a dress for a plus size model before. It's like, that's,

Speaker Bwhose fault is that?

MaxShe said it like six times. She's very curvy.

Speaker BYeah. 160 whole pounds to deal with. And it's like, and it's like,

Maxyeah, I don't know how to, and they always have to like sew them into it and they're panicking and it's like, whose fault is that? That's like going on Top Chef. You know what this reminds me of is like, okay, if you go on Top Chef, just fucking look up how to put the top on a pressure cooker. Do you know what I mean? You know that you're going to have to do it. Just add that to the to-do list. Just buy every pressure cooker and learn how to put the goddamn top on.

AlexI don't understand the people who are like, I've never eaten a Frito. I don't know what to do. Like bullshit.

MaxAnd then the other one that drives me nuts is, so you know where you're filming Top Chef, right? Like if you're going to Top Chef Texas, you fucking know it's in Texas. Why don't you show up with a barbecue recipe? Don't go to Top Chef Texas and then it's like, guys, this week, it's the barbecue challenge. Cut to a straight-ahead interview with the guy going, I've never made barbecue in my life. Did you not prepare for this at all? Learn how to make a chili. You know what I mean? Make a brisket.

Speaker AIf you're going to fucking California, learn how to cook some seafood. The ones that appall me also, the barbecue ones are a good example though.

Merlinbecause you get the sense that there are people on this show who have never made almost any foods where they think that you literally take cold ribs and put them on a grill and that's how you make ribs. And it's like, you know, there's a lot of like 13, 14-year-old kids that know that's not how you make ribs. Like that's – you're going to have some very, very bad ribs if you cook it that way. There's all kinds of – whole ranges of food where it's like, I don't understand milk. We don't have milk in my place. It's like, you're so befuddled. Pan, what is pan?

You know, it's just so dumb.

AlexI love when they try to use microwaves.

MerlinOh, yeah.

MaxThey always do like the dorm room challenge or the vending machine challenge.

MerlinOh, that's I don't like those.

Speaker AI like I like unconventional challenge on Project Runway. I like the candy one.

MaxThis is what the plus size models are doing. Right. Is it's the it's it's it's forcing people. Like, I think if you go to fashion school and you just design clothes as sort of an academic or an artistic pursuit.

Speaker BRight.

MaxYou use the dress forms that are have everyone's used for for whatever, 100 years. and they're only the one size of dress form, and you just learn how to make that shape of clothes. But that's completely divorced from the marketplace

Speaker Aof what clothes people wear. But there's levels to the shittiness, though, because they also, like you say,

Merlinthey're virtually signaling heavily by going, hey, look at us. Look how cool we are. Look, we had all these wide wives on here. You know, look at us. Aren't we great? And then you know, you say randomly, you know they are strategically deploying the curvy gals to people that are going to make that part of the story. Like, what's his name? The guy who made the cool white thing this week, Brandon, was that his name? He had a lot of curvy troubles a couple weeks ago. And then that became a whole big thing. And then you go, oh, boo. And then Nina Garcia, of all fucking people, and Zach are out there going like, well, if you're going to be designing, you need to be.

Speaker BIt's like, you give me a fucking break. You've never.

MaxThat's a good point. The top dress is very heavily leaning into the like, I love my curvy wife thing this season. Where they're like, they basically say. My broad bride. Every episode, they have to spend 20 minutes going, listen, my wife, she's a beast.

These models, they're monstrosities. Nobody could love them. They're awful. She's a moist, perspiring monster. We're celebrating them. I love her. And making the designers design clothes for their lumpen, misshapen bodies.

MerlinShe's a saucy dumpster, and I love her.

AlexClothes for normal-sized people. That's the future liberals want.

MerlinShe's a mature mastiff, and I love her.

MaxAll my life I've been mocked for loving these grotesqueries of human deformity. But the thing you need to know about me, I love my curvy wife.

Speaker BI love my curvy wife.

MaxShe's so hungry. I love her. Most sewing shows, most fashion shows, they would mock, they would cruelly mock these awful misshapen misfits who have no place in the fashion industry. But here on Top Dress, we make our designers make clothes for them. And here's 20 minutes of montage of them complaining about it. It's almost like they're people.

MerlinOther shows would treat these people like props and objects. Yeah. But we found a way to really utilize the broad game. No, no. We're cool and woke. Yeah. Oh, my gosh. Yeah. Oh, she has junk in the trunk. And I love her.

Maxso okay so one thing that i do like that they do on that they've added this season is like basically a camera in a you know the backstage they let the models like comment on what it's like to wear the dress which is fascinating because they basically will say this is very comfortable or this is like a disaster like it you know or like the person stabbed me with a needle and they sewed me into it i like that it's like just a little bit of insight into like how well thought out these clothes are. But the other thing I don't like that they're continuing,

that they started, I think they started doing this two or three seasons ago, is like, so basically they have the runway show, they interrogate the designers, they send the designers away, and they have the models and the dresses stay on the runway. And then all the judges, Nina and Zach and Heidi and Tim, because they're doing their, this is the anonymous, part of the anonymous fashion show, right? They get out of their chairs and they do like a little slave auction where they're like, come forward, and they like start like prodding them with sticks and grabbing at their bodies and spinning them around. It's like, and pinching the fabric. It's so degrading. It's like a goddamn person

in that dress. I know.

Speaker AShow some decorum?

MerlinI don't know. I think that's interesting just because you do then get a lot of, I agree with you, it does feel like a slave market and it's gross. But I do like that they get to see a lot of the details up close. I like that. I'll tell you what I don't like. I'm not loving this whole like, let's show 30 seconds of behind the scenes before we show you what's on stage.

Speaker AThat's so weird.

MaxWhat is that? It's so dorky. Before the runway show, they show the little crew backstage with their monitors going, and cue the lights.

AlexOh, God, they started doing that on Shark Tank. I don't understand. Three, two, one, pull the doors. What is that?

Speaker AWhy is that a fad right now?

MaxWhat is that?

MerlinBecause you feel like you're getting a little something special. You're getting a little behind the scenes. But don't make Tim dance. Obviously, he's so awkward as it is. You can tell he's such an introverted man like don't make tim do a little dance with heidi that's not cool is it part of is it part of

Maxthe these we talked about this heavily on the bachelor episode but maybe the behind the scenes cut is basically them putting a hat on the fact or sort of in recognition of the fact that everybody watches these shows with a feeling of superiority whatever literally every single viewer says well everybody else knows that everyone else just thinks this is a story they're watching but i know that it's a fiction and you know what i mean everybody's special unique pleasure to a person is that they

Speaker Acan pierce through this is uh this is actually what my undergraduate thesis was about yeah that

Merlinwhole sense of like that whole who's laughing was that laughing would you use the phrase semiotics

Speaker Ato describe the the shot oh i think i used i think i used that i had a lot of gram she in there yes i

Merlincertainly did just that whole idea though of like uh and you know it was really it was cool because my sponsor for this really challenged me on this and was like, well, you know, I was really into this idea of the, this new, at the time in the late eighties, this emerging idea about what Joel Achenbach has called creeping surrealism. There's more and more of this stuff that was presented to us. And like, they showed just enough of the artifice that like, it made you feel like you were in on it. And it was kind of, you know, again, the rising age of irony that really kind of took off in the nineties and everything was ironic. And, you know, I would be out there and I did, I wrote a third of my thesis. It was about one solo flex commercial and just all these

levels of things to it. But the guy really, my sponsor really challenged me on this. He's like, well, why don't you do this with David Letterman? I was like, yeah, but David Letterman's really good. He's like, mm-hmm, all right.

AlexIs that available online anywhere?

MerlinIt's bad. It's very, very bad. It's very bad.

AlexIt can't be as bad as your home screen. Nothing you've ever done in life, I think, can be as bad as your home screen.

MerlinMy home screen is on point. Let's see, what do I got here? Oh, see, there's a picture of high heels of shoes with money in it. Okay, I want to put that down.

MaxAll right, let's do the challenge.

Speaker BDig, dug, dig, dug, dig, dug.

MaxI keep doing this wrong. There's like a mountain of bags here. I feel like I could nap on these.

AlexI know. And they're all puffy. So a few, I believe a few months ago.

MaxOh, this is good shit. I see a good brand here.

AlexOh, yes, yes, yes. We'll get to one of our favorite brands. A couple months ago, Max and a few people in our office caught me eating popcorn with a spoon. And this is like a dark shame I've held my entire life. I just don't like eating food. I don't like using my hands to eat food. Your fingers get sticky or powdery or I want the powders in my mouth, not on my hands.

MaxVeronica does this now.

AlexOh, good.

MaxBecause she's a smart human. One of Veronica's favorite foods that she eats when she comes home from work or like just an afternoon snack is with an air popper. So she'll do some air popped popcorn with like a tiny bit that you can barely taste it of like spray on butter and just a tiny bit of salt, like barely perceptible. and then she'll eat that and then she'll eat the leftover popcorn kernels. She'll like crunch them up and eat them. That's exactly how you should eat it. And I will sit there watching her eat this with a spoon. That's exactly how you do it. Like breakfast cereal.

And I'm like, you're a pod person. She's an alien.

Speaker BThat's an alien thing to do.

MaxYou're a pod person. This is not how a human being.

Speaker BThis is proper way to consume corn bits with salt and spoon, yes? I am normal science lady. I'm sorry I made fun of you for the rubber band. you're doing this right. Don't listen to Merlin. You're doing this right.

MerlinOh, it's so weird, Alex. And you spread it around. You act like, Hey, you guys, is it just me? Is it weird that I do this? Yes, it's weird. It's always weird that you do that thing. Hey, is it you guys? Is it just me? Or is it weird that?

AlexYeah. Whenever I put something on Twitter, then I'm like, guys, is it weird if blank? It's all, I know it's weird. I just want other weirdos in my cucks to give me some comfort.

MerlinAnd then you got other people coming out and they act like it's normal.

Speaker BIt's just, Oh man.

MerlinI'm glad we're finally getting down to this. I have some microwave corn from the Paul Newman family. Oh. And I'm going to microwave that whenever you tell me to, and then I'll get a spoon. Well. It's a plastic spoon. Is that all right?

AlexI'm fine.

MerlinI could go clean a spoon. I really don't want to go in that bathroom if I don't have to.

AlexAll right. Oh, okay. Nope. Yep. You use that plastic spoon. So we don't have a – what is that?

MaxThere's some sort of truck honking outside.

AlexOh, okay. I thought we had been magically teleported to Merlin's studio for a second. Is it an air raid siren? I hope not. I mean, we are in Chicago.

MerlinIs it murders?

AlexFire and fury. Okay. So we do have a microwave in the office, but I thought I would take a trip to Whole Foods that's now owned by Amazon so you can get your organic Alexa. Alexa, order Chicago-style mix.

MerlinOh, no.

Alexdo you know what that is Merlin?

Speaker Bno everything you just did is so wrong you're a pod person what are you doing?

Speaker AChicago style mix

Speaker Bfrom a robot?

MaxChicago style mix number 1A Chicago style mix is the superior blend of popcorn and everything else is worse than that. Agreed. Number B this is the best brand I didn't even know they had this at Whole Foods honestly I find this at the Costco in a fucking potato sack and I eat it until I'm sick. Whenever I go to costco i bring home one of these bags that i have to like lug in over my shoulders like a

Alexvietnamese rice farmer here's here's the problem though uh so if people are curious i'm gonna put all of these in the show notes uh gh creators which is a very good if you're if you're going

Maxfor like a bag gh creators one of the best brands of popcorn yeah they make they make the mix which

Merlinis a blend of uh rich buttery caramel corn and premium aged cheese cheddar cheese corn you got

Speaker Aa mouth-watering mix of sweet and salty as we like that's chicago's mix baby that's the that's what

Maxthe Gapers block is for. Stop right there.

AlexYou found it. But they don't call it Chicago Mix. It's infuriating. It's like, oh yeah, this is just the mix we made? No, no, no, no. It's the mix. Should I pop my corn, Alex? Should I pop my corn? Yes, please do. Max, here, you can start off with some of the mix. I don't want to eat the rest

Maxof these popcorns. I just want this one.

AlexAh, fine. That's fine. No, you've got to try it. Wait.

MaxThis is one-tenth of the size. This is a normal chip bag size. This is one-tenth of the size of the barrel of this popcorn that you can buy at Costco.

AlexSo I brought some examples of things that I feel like you would understand that, like, okay, this is appropriate to eat with a spoon. Well, for example, Chicago style, which is caramel in Chicago.

Speaker BLike, your hands are getting so dirty.

MaxSo dirty. Oh, my God, this is good. I buy this Chicago style mix at Costco. I fill a bowl up I bring my bowl of popcorn up I play computer games, I eat this Then afterwards I have to go buy a new keyboard

Speaker BWell that's the thing, if you just used this board It would be fine It's food, that's what happens when you eat food

Speaker AThat's what food does to your hands, it's called food

Speaker BThat's why we created tools I do not like the feeling of the food upon my Human hands

AlexAlright, I also got the GH Creators Organic Popcorn with bold flavor Chili jalapeno white cheddar And there's no way I'm going to eat this but I feel like Max might enjoy this.

MaxI know that GH creators made other flavors.

AlexThey do. I'm going to take you over to the microwave.

MaxThis one just has a little sign on it that says bold flavor. It literally has like a wooden, it has an illustration of a wooden sign like you'd find on like a country home and then a sort of fake handwriting font and it just says bold flavor.

AlexOne of my favorite things about Whole Foods is when you go down like the chip and unhealthy snack aisle and they're trying so hard to make it look like you're not eating garbage. It's so great. All right. I also got... Hold on. Hold on.

MaxOkay. Hang on.

AlexAll right. What's up?

MaxWhat is the name of this company that makes this?

Speaker BGH Creators.

MaxNo. GH Creators. It's not Creators. It is Creators. And it's named for Great Grandpa Creators. It all began in 1885 when Great Grandpa Creators invented the popcorn machine and our family began perfecting the art of popping corn. His modern machine appeared at the Chicago Columbian Exposition of 1893. All right, respect. And for five generations, we followed in his corn-popping footsteps, taste-testing recipes around our kitchen table. Today, we make our organic chili jalapeno white cheddar popped corn

with timeless ingredients. Organic popcorn, organic sunflower oil, chili and jalapeno peppers, and organic white cheddar cheese. We still use traditional small batch methods to pop our corn like Great Grandpa Credors did. But we've stayed modern by keeping our focus on purity. Each organic batch is popped to perfection and seasoned with the right amount of chili and jalapeno peppers for a spicy, bold flavor. From our kitchen to yours, enjoy! Enjoy!

MerlinPeep-um, spicy corns.

AlexI've been saying GH creators for at least 20 years.

MerlinCreators! All right, I got it. I'm going to try this here. I go.

AlexAll right.

MaxOh, God. It's like a stinky, cheesy fist reaching out of this bag and punching me in the nose. Oh, God.

AlexI was going to note that Max is just not good. He is just going right in there.

Speaker BIt's not...

MaxIt's quite spicy.

AlexYep, yep. You don't get any corn on this spoon? No, no. Try it.

MerlinI don't have any way to regulate my amount. I want more.

AlexNo, yes, you have a way to regulate... Oh, God, I'm so... Bigger spoon? Hold on, I'm going to try the GH green.

Speaker AIt's too spicy for me. I'm going to put it into a Frat Boy cup and eat it like a drink.

Speaker BOh, holy fuck. Oh, it hits you afterwards, too. Oh, my God. It keeps going. Oh, my God.

MaxThat's not a good flavor. I mean, maybe it's a good flavor if you want a really spicy popcorn. Oh, my God. She's washing it down with some sort of Blaze Orange beverage.

AlexOh, no, no, no.

MaxIt's a Blaze Orange can. It looks like some sort of hunting safety equipment.

AlexNo, no, no. Okay, follow-up. I thought what I was buying was an energy drink from Whole Foods. No, no, no. This is an organic bullshit soda.

MerlinOh, fuck that.

AlexBecause they don't sell water bottles at Whole Foods anymore. I'm like, gee, I just wanted a... It's pretty good, though. 10% juice. That's how you know it's healthy. Ulta Pala. Anyway, another... I got about, I would say, 58 bags worth of popcorn. And I also purchased some pick corn.

MaxI'm very confused. Why am I even... What is the challenge?

AlexYeah, the challenge is to eat popcorn from a bowl with a spoon. here's here you go and these are the very fancy bowls and uh spoons that max picked out for the

Maxoffice i'm gonna say they're just from um cream barrel that's fancy um okay here's where i like the spoon i'm gonna say a good thing about the spoon so with the gh cretors chicago mix what you want is one piece of cheese popcorn one piece of cheddar popcorn and one piece of caramel corn. Exactly. You do not want a big handful of cheddar corn that floats to the top or a big handful of the caramel corn. No, you don't want to get fucked. And you do not want a big handful of the caramel corn that sinks to the bottom. That was actually kind of challenging. It was actually kind of challenging when you get your whole hand in there and you're trying

to like, you're like mining for a vein of the caramel corn to mix in with the cheddar sediment. And with the spoon, you do get a little bit of discretionary like, okay, now I've got one and one. We're gone. perfect bite mix it up baby yeah gaper's block it gives you it gives you so much more control

Alexover your popcorn technology um yeah this is totally ridiculous it's not it's all right um

Merlini look like a child who doesn't understand food i would rather go into corn i would rather someone

Maxwalk in on me jerking off than eating popcorn with a spoon it would be easier to explain yeah i'd be like there's a lady saying that i should give her all my money what was i supposed Eat your popcorn with a spoon, Toad.

AlexYou're a naughty little Chicagoan. I know that we have some listeners who do subscribe to my strange. I've got some cocks who will eat popcorn with a spoon, and I would like to introduce the product Pipcorn, which was.

MerlinOh, I like a Pipcorn.

AlexPipcorn from Shark Tank.

MerlinBump, bump.

AlexYeah, delicious mini popcorn. and it's basically the size, like the little kernels are the size of cereal. So then you're really like, it's designed to be eaten with a spoon, basically.

MerlinWell, it's not good that far. Is it milk?

AlexYou put milk on it? No, no, God. I don't eat cereal with milk. I eat dry cereal and no one should be surprised by this at all.

MaxYou eat dry cereal like a cat, like with kibble?

AlexYeah, yeah, yeah. Human, all right. Milk is the most disgusting, like, oh God, it comes out of mammals. It's, no one should ever have milk. Oh, this is adorable. Aren't they cute? Yeah, it is.

MaxYeah, it is.

AlexMm-hmm.

MaxOoh. Okay. Crunchy. Exactly. What is it? Is it a varietal? Is it the seed?

AlexIt's, they basically, you know how they breed dogs to get smaller? That's just what they did with popcorn. Yeah, okay. The corn. Yeah. It's also gluten-free and whole grain.

Speaker BIt does not have a good flavor.

AlexI enjoy it. It's got.

MaxIt tastes burnt to me.

AlexIt's got some, like, nice, nice, it has a unique mouthfeel. Mm.

MaxYeah, because you're eating popcorn holes on popcorn.

AlexI'm confused, though. Isn't all popcorn gluten-free and whole grain? What other grain? What else would you put in there?

MerlinYou can just put that on anything.

AlexYeah. So our story of Pipcorn, a brother and sister duo. Find some mini kernels and have an idea. Get a pot. Attract loyal Pip fans at food markets. Get a bigger pot. Get into a store near you. Thank you for making this possible and being part of our story. What a boring-ass story. That is a terrible story. I would never tell that story. We scaled up like any food product.

MaxI have a really gross thing I'm going to say for the after show because I don't want to talk about it on the podcast.

AlexOh, fun.

Speaker APatreon.com slash do by Friday. It's too upsetting to bring up right now, but I'm going to talk about it in the after show. If I use my hand, I can fit so much more in.

AlexThe one time I will have popcorn with my hands is at a movie theater because then you can just shovel it into your mouth without any shame.

MaxWhen I have a fresh thing of popcorn, when I open up the G.H. creed ors chicago mix i want to shovel as much of this popcorn into my face in the most economical way possible and i'll sort of make a funnel mechanism where i'll just like oh just like tip it down like a dump truck opening into my mouth oh my god all right so then an alternative

Alexpopcorn technology put it all into a cup and then dump it into your mouth same thing you can get it fat and then you don't drop anything onto you you just you just shovel it in we never have talked

Merlinabout exactly how you wipe, but I imagine that it is wrong. I like it that way.

Speaker AI ask him to put on my song and then I... Sometimes Veronica asks me, hey, what did you guys talk about on the podcast?

MaxAnd this is going to be a weird one because I'm going to be like, we ate that from the spoon and talked about how we wiped our ass.

MerlinPitcheon.com slash do my fighting.

AlexI think it might have been on a like in the old school Top Scalps days, but just the idea of standing and wiping.

MaxSo, Alex, this is your challenge, and I know that there was a lot of content related to eating popcorn with a spoon that you wanted to cover. I feel like Merlin and I are taking up too much of the time with our musings. They're not really related. So I just want to give the floor to you. And you can talk at great length about all the different topics involving eating popcorn with a spoon.

AlexAnd a lot of people, John Siracusa, has said that like why don't you use a fork and that doesn't make sense because you can't like you're stabbing the fluffy white things and you can't if you if the idea is to get as much popcorn into your mouth as possible what what the fuck uh and other people use chopsticks again what the fuck popcorn is a food that is meant to be shoveled into your mouth as quickly as possible and i i don't know but i don't understand why everybody is so upset about it it's just it's

It's in, like, there's got, you guys make your weird meats in your bags that, what, like, you seal them up?

MerlinThat is so ridiculous. You're taking, it's like getting corn on the cob and just throw it in the trash. The whole point of popcorn is you eat it with your hands.

Speaker AIt's right, it's right on the name, popcorn. I don't eat the meat with, like, a set of surgical tools.

AlexOkay.

Speaker AI prefer to sit on the meat.

AlexSo there's no foods That are like Branded as a Hand What is it called Like a hand food That you eat with utensils There's nothing You've never eaten a fry with a fork

MerlinI sometimes eat macaroni and cheese with a fork

AlexGod damn it Wait as opposed to what

MerlinYour hands My wife made some killer mac and cheese the other night

Maxsometimes you make the mac and cheese and you have your dinner and then afterwards you go to clean up and you still have you know you got a little bit of mac and cheese left over and oh god you just did the cleanup process and you're you're like you know what i'm gonna sneak in there and get one more macaroni you get your fingers right in there it squishes in you take the noodle you pop it right in your mouth it feels naughty when it's when it's cold it balls

Merlinup real nice you get up you get a little golf ball of mac and cheese stick a q-chip in your ear

Alexwe're good to go

Merlinwe're gonna make so much money with this you ordering ordering men to eat eat with their hands while they pick their ear

Alexall right this this is another one of the things where I know it's weird but I bet people have done it have you ever like crunched up a ramen packet like the noodles and just eaten them for as a crunchy snack I have

Merlinit my daughter loves it yeah Whenever I make her ramen noodles, I grab the lion's share. Excuse me, I'm eating on air. I fold it over noodles, and then she takes all the nubbins that are left and eats them. That's the ritual for us.

MaxThat's the best part. You know the, I think it's a, shit, I think it might be a Kevin Pang recipe, the Lucky Peach ramen dip.

AlexNo.

MaxInteresting. This is a fucking game changer. This is in Lucky Peach. Okay, here's your dip. Ready? I'm going to go to the store. You buy a thing of sour cream. if you go to the dairy aisle, sometimes they don't have just like a packaged brand of sour cream, but you can get the house sour cream, like the home, you know, like the more like premium sour cream, get that taste way better, less processed tasting. Then you go to the ramen aisle, you buy a cool, you buy like a good thing of ramen, like a fancy one, an internet ramen. Okay. You're going to throw the noodles out or just,

or set them aside and use them for something else.

AlexOr mail them to me and I'll eat them as a crunchy snack.

MaxYou're going to open up the flavor packet. You're going to pour the flavor packet, into the container of sour cream. You're going to stir it up real good. You're going to let it sit for about an hour so that the sour cream can absorb the flavor crystals. Then hit it with your tortilla chips. Holy shit. It's one of the greatest foods in the world.

AlexDo you ever make that for a party, and then do people ask and get grossed out? Like, yeah, no, I just...

MaxYes and no. They're usually impressed at how easy it is compared to how good it tastes. All it is is salt and MSG and crystallized soy sauce or something. It's just perfect flavors.

MerlinI usually have questions when I'm served something creamy. I usually want to know a little bit about the provenance and the ideology of what went into it. I want to know a little bit about how it got so creamy.

MaxMy new thing is I'm showing up to parties with a lot of cured fish that I make. Cured fish? Yeah, I've been making lox and smoked salmon and stuff. Oh, wow. It's fairly easy, and it's the best thing in the world. Is it like pickling? There's lots of different ways to do it. So I do a hot smoke or you can just do a cure and make like gravlax or like Jewish deli box. It sounds good. It's pretty easy and it's amazingly good.

AlexHow do you gauge what sort of party, like at what point you're supposed to bring a food item that you've prepared yourself in a fancy way?

MerlinThat's a good question. Well, the grown up, I have a grown up answer to this.

AlexOkay.

MerlinThe not grown up answer is you just don't worry about it. The slightly grown up answer is you saying, should I bring something? And the really cool grown-up answer is to say, hey, I'd love to bring some food. Is that okay? Are there any limitations? And then you get a go-to food and bring that. Like a mac and cheese or a ramen dip. But I think it helps to be proactive in the asking. Instead of going like, meh, will you absolve me of doing nothing if I do it in this voice? You go like, no, I'd like to do a thing. Is it okay if I bring my famous ramen dip? And they go like, sure.

AlexWell, what do you do if, let's say, you literally burn Easy Mac, the microwave version of Easy Mac? I like to say, hey, you want me to bring any drinks or something like that?

MaxDoes that seem appropriate? You show up with a bowl and a bag of this GH Creighton Chicago mix, you're fucking hit of the party. No one can make a food better than that.

MerlinI think if you show up to every party with a large bag of ice, a 12-pack of beer, and a bag of Funyuns, you're everybody's friend. There's nobody. People think they don't like Funyuns or don't remember liking Funyuns until they're eating Funyuns, and then there are no more Funyuns.

MaxI've never had a Funyun. Oh my god, Funyuns are fucking cruel.

MerlinFunyuns are one of the best chips. You gross, that's gotta be the apex of shit foods, but then you eat them and they're gone. They're so fucking good. 12 pack of beer, ice, Funyuns.

MaxAlright Alex, what are your parting thoughts? I feel like we've all learned a lot.

AlexThere's so much enjoyable content. Hold on, dude. What are their... G.H. Kretors. Kretor? Oh god. Extra virgin olive oil popcorn. This is new. Oh, I'm excited.

MerlinWell, Evo. Let me see if they got this on a local. Is that a local product or they got it nationally, you think?

MaxWell, Grandpa Kretor, he distributes his famous popcorn creations all over the U.S.

MerlinLook at that. Here's G.H. Kretor's popcorn Chicago mix. Six six ounce bags. And a cart.

MaxMerlin, you're going to shit yourself when you have this Chicago. It must be. Let me look at the nutrition.

AlexIt's pure cheese.

MaxSo you get 140. You get one and a quarter cup. It's 140 calories. That's not great for popcorn.

AlexI mean, it's not. It's its own food. It's candy.

MaxYeah, it's like a candy bar.

AlexHave you really never had the Chicago Mix? I feel like that's weirder than not having fine yens.

MerlinAre you talking to me?

AlexYeah.

MerlinReally ask yourself. Is that a question I want to ask somebody?

AlexI don't know.

MerlinOf all the things that you could choose to be befuddled about, the words that came out of your mouth were, have you really never had Chicago Mix? really i'm gonna really i'm gonna shock you here alex i've never had chicago mix oh god oh man oh my god you want the real original original joe's philly cheese pizza pretzel it is a thing where

Maxlike if you land at o'hare airport there's like six you know whatever like what's the big one there's like nuts on clark and then what's there's garrett's garrett's yeah there's like there's like a bunch of garrett's popcorn things where you can just buy the hot chicago mix popcorn like i feel

Alexlike most people have had that in the airport yeah i think that's what and oh man i am almost I'm like 80% sure my parents have sent me one of those giant novelty tins for my birthday.

MaxI fucking go insane. If someone sends a tin of popcorn, there's no... Why don't people send more popcorn tins?

MerlinThat's a good tin.

MaxYeah, Merlin, come on.

MerlinYeah, how do I even?

MaxCan you send a popcorn tin if someone dies? Can I be like... My condolences. I'm sorry if you're lost. Please have this. Accept this. Thank you for your service. Here's your corn.

Speaker AYou should do that. You should start that tradition. Do you know the big tins, the oil drum of popcorn? Mm-hmm. Like where they break it up into sections? Oh, yeah. It's like a cheese wheel in there.

MaxLike a tripartite corn can. I just touched popcorn. I'm so sorry for your loss. Please accept this oil drum of popcorn.

AlexSpeaking of oil, I can feel the extra virgin olive oil on my hand after I picked up a piece of the popcorn. You might have stigmata.

MerlinI think there's so many things that you sense differently than anybody else in the entire fucking universe. It would not surprise me. You're Padre Pio. That's your new name. You're Padre Pio. That's financial dominant.

Speaker Byou got sex stigmata

Merlincoming out of all the holes no Thomas you can't touch my wound don't worry don't worry Max she'll explain it to you later

41. She’s a Saucy Dumpster

Show notes

Transcript

41. She’s a Saucy Dumpster

Show notes

Transcript

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