305. My Current Timeline

AlexThis is Do By Friday, a weekly challenge podcast with Alex Cox and Merlin Mann. This week's challenge, watch Wellington Paranormal.

Hello, hello, hello.

MerlinHello, how are you?

AlexI'm doing better. How are you?

MerlinUm, I feel like we should talk about our viscosity.

AlexI agree.

MerlinHow's your viscosity?

AlexVery drippy. Just so, so drippy.

MerlinThis is not the show. Ah. Ugh. Okay. It's been a big week. It's been a huge week.

AlexHuge week.

MerlinIt feels like forever since we recorded.

Alexit has been two weeks in podcasting time is yes oh well i was gonna say for the type of podcast we like it's like two years but for the type of podcasts i often listen to it's like 15 minutes

Merlinwell luckily we bought those ads so when people play video games they automatically become a cuck they'll be charged later just pay a separate fee um i i had uh three and a half hours of sleep but I don't feel bad about it. I know.

AlexGood.

MerlinBut yes, I mean, you know, this is becoming instrumental for me, right?

AlexYes, yes, yes, yes.

MerlinSo I woke up and my wife and I both felt good. We were talking. It was a nice morning. Everybody was in a good mood. We decided to record this at a different time. So we're earlier than usual, but I am sitting in my private office. I have my sad light on. Okay.

AlexWait, sad light in that you are currently sad?

MerlinSeasonal Affective Disorder, the very bright blue light that shines in my eyes.

AlexYes.

MerlinOkay.

AlexBut does that mean you are sad or it is just the sad light? Oh, no. No, no. I'm sorry for interrupting. This is your problem. Yep, yep, yep. No, it's not your fault, but it is your problem. It is. It is.

MerlinI've been listening to really fast, hard math rock all morning.

AlexOh, dear God. Oh, no.

MerlinI did also have my old ADD medicine I'm not supposed to be taking.

AlexDoes it start with a V or an A? May I ask?

MerlinA V.

AlexA V. Okay, okay.

MerlinAll right. And I did have a sleep edible last night that I think hasn't completely worn off.

AlexWas it your Purple Boys?

MerlinOh, I've been experimenting with a different one that I almost sent to you just because of the packaging. No, they're really good. But they're like, you know how like when they try to sell skin products to ladies, they always try to make it look like medicine now?

AlexYes. Okay.

MerlinWell, imagine that, well, good Johnny Ive, like orange Johnny Ive designed.

AlexWhen Steve was babysitting him, basically.

MerlinRight. They sit on the floor in his house. He doesn't even have a TV. He couldn't even watch Caillou. Please, Steve. Can't I see Mr. Hinkle, the child, mom of state, the sex pest, the nonce. Can't I see the nonce?

AlexWe're recording at our old time, and this is...

MerlinIs this our old time?

AlexI don't know if you know, but we did. And this is episode two, the second challenge, when we still had no idea what the show was. I challenged you to watch... Well, I challenged you and Max to watch the Steve Jobs movie.

MerlinBut Steve, all of these magazines have already been printed. Also, a box arrived this morning with this accent.

Alexit's such a stupid I can't believe Blink Check hasn't done it yet I really want

Merlinmaybe Oscar Wilde but somebody once described somebody's accent as sounding like it arrived in a box by post and he popped it into his mouth like an ill-fitting set of dentures hello hello math rock lots of ADHD medicine I might be edibling the satellite is on sleep I think that's all of mine

Alexyou're doing college Alex right now

Merlinam I?

Alexdo you think that would work out

Merlinthe two of us if I was doing you?

AlexI'll fake it if you will I was going to say it would depend on performance but not the kind that people

Merlinwould think no no it would be all about performance

AlexNo, no, no. Yeah, yeah.

MerlinCool. I don't know how much I could do for you there. I used to be.

AlexThat's what I mean. It's about, it would be about the theatrics of it. That's pretty much.

MerlinYou mean like a Liza and David type situation.

AlexI mean, it's like Joel Schumacher said, acting is like having sex. Don't ask how it's going.

MerlinOh, that's really good.

AlexHuh. I did steal that from Griffin Newman, Griffey Griff, because as you know, I've listened to—

MerlinFive comedy points.

AlexMm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Nope. Nope. Well, you are negative five comedy points.

MerlinWell, you've got to know there's bits. They say pro smiths know bits, but some bits do get retired and then brought back. They lower the jersey. And that's why I'm very happy about the David was in England bit. I'm glad that's back.

AlexI spend a lot of time on that Wiki fan— Oh, yeah.

MerlinWiki fans?

AlexWiki fans? Yeah. We had a weird week. I also caught up on Roderick on the line.

MerlinOh, no, no. Let's put a dipstick into your viscosity. So maybe I'm the crazy one in this one. Are you into it?

AlexI am shocked that I...

MerlinNo, I'm fine. A lot of it's... I'm pro-Smith's no bits, but I'm just saying, it's really... It's 909. Oh, shit, dog. Turn on CNN. My favorite guy is on. Okay, this is my favorite weatherman.

AlexTurn on CNN. I am like, listen, I know that I'm 32. I still don't have a CNN.

MerlinOh, sorry. CNN is a thing that used to be on TV. And now you can look at it on your tablet. Okay. So this guy, I've been watching this guy all morning. I've been up since 4.30. I've been watching this guy all morning. And like, imagine, I don't know, not kind of like a Jurassic Park, but imagine somebody whose role in the movie, maybe not Judge Hirsch, Judd Hirsch in Independence Day, but a Judd Hirsch style character who would be like, I've been wanting you all about this. I've told you for the longest time, we've got to stop breeding more deadly dinosaurs.

Apparently, I'm George Steinbrenner, as played by Larry David.

AlexYeah, this is a bird.

MerlinI was going to say it's birding. Make the toenails bigger. Make them sharper. Take the two kinds that we least should put together. No, you don't listen to me. Well, now he's a mobster. But anyway, this guy is so fucking hard right now about the hurricane. That's from a flight at 5,000 feet of elevation. That's 155 miles per hour. It's like the guy who's like, you know, all your scientists were so busy worrying about, you know, trans that, you know, you forgot whether you should hurricane.

And if Ron Santis gets points out of this, oh, my God, I'm going to be so fucking mad.

AlexOh, boy.

MerlinYou always go up after an event. Look at America's mayor.

AlexI was going to say there's two people who really, really benefited from that. I Who's the other one? Mr. Giuliani of course but I think Bush Jr. also may have gotten a little bit of a bump just a teensy toad bitch

MerlinYou know what? That's true but luckily we went into Iraq and we found those green tubes I think the same green tubes that were in the Alcatraz movie maybe That's my viscosity I'm feeling good. No please go ahead

AlexNo but hear me out Yeah, no, anytime. I missed you. I don't want to be like, you know, Sir Mr. Trump, Sir, the failing New York Times. But the same, this is the same newspaper that reported on nukes in Iraq. They had the very good podcast series Caliphate, which turned out to be completely false. And they returned their, I believe, Peabody Award.

MerlinIt's a podcast.

AlexIt's a.

Merlindon't they grade on a curve

Alexthey stole uh valor from their oh i'm getting i'm getting a phone call uh oh no oh no oh fascinating

MerlinIs it from Florida? Is it from Florida?

AlexNo, no, no. It's not from Florida. Okay, go ahead and take it. Go ahead and take it. You love taking calls. No, it's not. Oh, God. Is it about your automobile warranty? No, it's – well, probably. It's about spam likely. It's from spam likely.

MerlinIs it about whether you've been injured by a podcast? Is it about finding hot Russian podcasts in your area? Ooh, I'm going to write that one down.

AlexOoh, ooh, that –

MerlinHot Russian podcasts. I mean, I don't mean – forget title.

AlexThat's a business right there.

MerlinWell, absolutely. I need ideas for the ad if I'm going to keep doing this. Hot Russian Podcast. What was it in your area? Okay. But should we – wait. I'm almost ready to start the show. I'm almost ready to start.

AlexOh, I was just – I'm just like still – we're really, really fixated on the New York Times when they publish a piece every week about all of the trans children who are taking over the world and kidnapping younger children. And I'm like, really? Still? And those are the opinion pieces. Why? Why?

MerlinI think it's kind of like The Walking Dead. Or like I've been watching, oh my God, fucking Station 11. Station 11 is so fucking good. Oh my fucking God. I had no idea. I was unprepared for how amazing and mind-boggling this show is.

AlexBut let's go with The Walking Dead for now. Spoilers. Spoilers. Okay, Walking Dead.

Speaker AWell, would I spoil that it's good?

AlexYeah. You know who it's got?

MerlinYou know who it's got? It's got Yorkie.

AlexIt's got her.

MerlinIt's got Yorkie. It's got Yorkie. Yes. My two favorite characters of the last 10 years are Yorkie on San Junipero and Yorkie in Jojo Rabbit. Two best characters in movies. It's paper-like.

We're going to be talking about New Zealand today. I put a flag in the document. I've been up since 3.30. So what was I talking about? New York Times? Yorkie? Oh, oh, oh. But it's like The Walking Dead, right? Because isn't it a thing you hear about? Have you heard this term they call grooming? Grooming is a thing that you people do.

AlexOh, yes. That's what I am now.

MerlinRight. You go and you get the youths. You pull them by the nape of their neck out of their cat litter box in the bathroom that you place there. They fall in the net falls there in your trap.

And then what do you do?

AlexYou breed them?

MerlinNo, you groom them. You comb their hair and tell them they're pretty and smart and domine domine.

AlexAnd then you just chop off their tits. or you shove them into the woman's bathroom and just say, okay, rape's okay now. Just go for it. Go for it.

MerlinI was doing another. Okay, this is you now.

AlexThere's so many bits. You live in here.

MerlinYou live in here.

AlexYou live here now.

MerlinMaybe they should just give people lots of stickers with a woman and a dress icon on it and you could just turn any room into a woman's room. Think how it's like dead naming for a space.

Azure Viscosity.

Alexit's okay it's it's okay it's pretty good you were uh kind enough to say hey i know that uh florida is looking very bad right now should you say that for the show we should say that for the show all right i don't know what is the show and what's not the show and i'm in full show mode i've

Merlingot my energy drink i've got my key water all morning jazz break

Hey everybody, it's Dubai Friday. We're back.

AlexThis is the Dubai Friday. You've got some stuff in the show doc.

MerlinNot a lot, a little bit.

AlexOh, this image is interesting. Isn't that amazing? Wait, okay, there's an image. I think there's either a pen or a fidget cube in your hand right now. Oh, that's my tool pen.

MerlinTool.

AlexThe tool. Thank you, Max. Oh, TUL.

MerlinI still love the TUL pen.

AlexThat has finally come to office places. By office places, I do mean office, Max. It's finally come to office places. I couldn't forget the name. I couldn't think of the name first, like with staples.

MerlinYou know, this time last week, I had no idea you'd be this lucid today. Honestly? No, honestly, I thought this is finally it. I texted you about so many different things, like business things, work things, friend things, personal things. I texted you about so many things, and I hadn't heard anything. And then Matchy was on a walk with, I think, a really sweet Newfie and gave me a little bit of the rundown. And as I sat there, I thought, this is probably it. This is going to be – we've had our swan song.

Maybe we'll do a tribute episode. Alex is 5,000 candles in the wind.

AlexI mean, other than... This is the show.

MerlinWe're in the show now, right?

AlexI can't believe... We are. I can... I mean, I can imagine how difficult it must be to be my friend. And it's just... There's your shirt.

MerlinI can imagine how difficult it would be to be my friend. It's worthy, but it's pretty good. If you printed it really small...

AlexReally, really small. I made the mistake of wearing one of your T-shirts to an Apple store last week. The better shirt that says, I'm doing a lot with computers right now.

MerlinIn an Apple store you wore it? That's so cool.

AlexNo, it was a mistake. It was a mistake. Oh, no. Why?

MerlinBecause people make computer jokes?

AlexWell, a couple of people did recognize. No. That doesn't happen anymore. It doesn't happen anymore, Alex. Oh, they recognized you. I love this. They recognized you. Well, that happened. Yes. But then a couple people from just being living in Chicago and whatever. But there were two other people who also recognized your shirt and were like, oh, hey, I love Merlin. And I'm like, I was like, I'm a fan.

MerlinWhat the fuck are you kidding? Why are you not telling? See, oh, Jesus Christ. You send me things about like something found in somebody's anus or something. You send me this terrible, terrible shit. and you're like oh i got a note about blah i probably shouldn't tell you about i'm like no i don't know what no return no like i don't know but a compliment from somebody who knows my name

Alexfrom a program i um uh well what was it okay yes um thank you to the four people who said nice

Merlinthings about merlin um wait four people yes because what is happening this doesn't happen at my store i'm just another fat showed with no dog but this is a you you have like a big

Alexflagship store? I have like a medium

Merlinflagship store. No, I have a regional suburban store. It's near my house. It's like a mile from my house. It's out in the fucking sticks. It's like by the other university.

AlexBut still, you don't... Not university.

MerlinWell, it's a state school, but it's fine.

AlexNot everybody can go to school

Merlinin Boston. It's the kind of place where you say stuff like, I heard they have a good theater program. You're like, oh, that's cool. The school I almost went to near Orlando, Rollins College, it's an incredibly overpriced private school that I could never in a million years afford. I only got accepted at two places, New College and Rollins.

AlexWait, how many places did you apply to?

MerlinI don't know. I mean, I think that's it. Okay.

AlexWell, and also I realized that probably back then seems mean. But there was a point in time where you did not have to pay to apply to colleges. Oh, yeah.

MerlinWhen I was doing it, it was about $20 per, I think.

AlexYep. Not what I was doing. I don't know what it is now. What was it?

MerlinYeah, what was yours?

AlexAround $150. Fuck me gently. Oh, yeah. That's crazy. But those are all private schools. But here's what's fucked up. You would get a discount if you had gone to a Catholic high school. So for some of them, like Notre Dame was only $100 because I did not get into Notre Dame.

MerlinOh, they give you the John Paul II coupon.

AlexYeah, yeah.

MerlinThat's no good. Don't charge Alex for that. That's no good. They already got a lot of problems, the boss.

AlexYeah. And then there's the whole legacy. Well, it was put on the waiting list for Notre Dame. which I expected, but yeah.

MerlinWow. How many schools did you apply to, Alexandra?

AlexI think five or six, but it was like, it was very much like I'm definitely going to Marquette and this is just the performative, like if you, it was truly all performative.

MerlinWhat was your safety school?

AlexOh, my safety school? Oh, no, I didn't really have a, oh, Dayton. Dayton, I guess, was like my safety school. Yeah, it's a big Catholic school. Yeah.

Dayton?

AlexYeah. What the fuck?

MerlinHow do you even hear about it? That's like me. I wanted to go to Milligan. You ever heard of Milligan? No. No. Because it's a tiny Christian college in Ohio. It was the first college I ever wanted to go to. Well, I don't know. I've always been mainly interested in the lore. Do they have good uniforms for their team?

AlexWell, that's why I was at backup school. I mean, it is. That's fair. I apologize to Dayton people.

MerlinWait listed for Notre Dame. Story of your life.

AlexI. I got into the girl one, St. Mary.

MerlinThere's a girl Notre Dame?

AlexThere's a sister school, is what they call it.

MerlinThey've got a pope wearing a dress icon on the door.

AlexYeah, that's the...

MerlinLadies. I have a lot of friends. Here comes the laity. Oh, God. Oh, wow.

Speaker AI'm going to slap the shit out of her. I'm going to hit them wrists with the ruler. Ta-ta-ta-ta.

MerlinI'm always drunk. I am a nun who lives at Notre Dame.

AlexDon't steal leprechaun valor. I interrupted you. No, what were we talking about?

MerlinNew York Times.

AlexWe were talking about your college that you almost went to.

MerlinOh, yeah, Rollins. But I mean, it was essentially like, God, Abbott Elementary is back and it's so fucking good. And like Sunny, it's very aware of its Philadelphia-ness. So when I say this phrase, it would be like me trying out for the Eagles and the clerical error leading to me showing up at tryouts, except with money. So I got accepted to a school that, I mean, the tuition for the school, private school, and like, go look at it.

It's like a fancy lad school. It's like, you know, slobs versus snobs in movies. Like, you wouldn't. But like, you know, Caddyshack or like any kind of like, you know, slobs versus snobs. The Revenge of the Nerds, any of those camp movies where you've got to play the mean camp. Or Wet Hot, obviously, covers this and it's a parody of this. It's basically the snobs. Like the school that you hate. Go look at Rollins. It was in 1980, diggity, five, six. I believe it was $14,000 a year, which was more money than we had sitting around.

I mean, that might have been over half of my mom's income for the year. And so we got accepted, and they gave me like, and on top of it all, we're giving you the $5,000 white guy grant. Like, hey, freebie, you can come here. $5,000, but it was $5,000 off of $14,000.

AlexOh, my God. The photos on this website are just a – I think – There's a lot.

MerlinI remember there are a lot of turtlenecks. and pizza are what I mainly remember.

AlexWell, that's every private school in America.

MerlinYou know, college has gotten more expensive. I don't know if you know that. College and cars. They've gotten very costly. Oh, Mr. Rogers went there. That's cool. I didn't know that. Buddy Epson? Shit dog, I can dance. Buddy Epson was the original Tin Man. Did you know that?

AlexNo. Buddy Epson

Merlinfrom that TV show from Beverly Hillbillies. He was mainly known as a dancer. And in 1939, he tried out and got so far in Wizard of the Oz. Wizard of the Oz. Wizard of the Oz, he got so far into that that they actually did makeup tests on him. And like we're like, you know, capturing like he was the only person who could capture the full motion of this kind of dance. But he got had a terrible, terrible reaction to an early version of the Tin Man makeup.

AlexNo. Yes. Oh, my goodness.

MerlinAnd that's how they got the other guy, not Ray Bolger. but Jack Purvis. Now, Jack Purvis is the little box from Star Wars. Jack's somebody.

AlexI was going to say, whoa, don't. You know, Jack Purvis and Kenny Baker.

MerlinDid you know Jack Purvis and Kenny Baker used to have a double act together?

AlexI feel like I knew that somehow. Please Google. And I don't know. We'll get back to the New York Times in a minute. My memory is still coming back to me. No, it's fine. I still am having, like, flashbulb memories.

MerlinI'm amazed you're here. Jack Purvis, Kenny Baker. Because I forgive my saying.

AlexOkay, wait, wait. For the folks who are not Patreon people Alex is fine Oh wait You're making it sound like I tried to Unalive myself Oh come on

MerlinYou gotta tell the whole story Google fucked something up And now I can't save images What's changed in Google I thought I turned on Usually Stop the Madness fixes these things Sometimes I gotta reload Do you get save as in Safari when you go to save as image? Yeah. Yeah, mine disappeared recently on both computers, and I don't know why. Well, anyway, go look at a picture of Kenny Baker and Jack Purvis.

AlexOh, wait. Save. No. It's gone. Frame. Get frame. Something about frames, right? Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck. All right. Who am I looking up? Yeah.

MerlinNo, I have a blocker that can fix this. I'm pretty sure. Jack Purvis. What were you talking about? Rollins College. I am looking up a comedy team. Rollins College. Jack Purvis. I heard they have a good drama program. So anyway, that's the Apple store that we go to.

AlexOh, but there were four separate people. So now this is eight people who have engaged with me verbally.

MerlinI love this.

AlexBut no, no, no. These four people were just like, so what are you doing with computers now?

MerlinNo, but I love you being clocked, as they say.

AlexNo, no. Only two people recognized who I was. And now I regret saying that.

MerlinBut you're an audio artist, Alexandra. That's a big deal. How would they know your fucking face? Instagram.

AlexBecause I'm a weirdo who puts my face both on Twitter and-

MerlinWhere?

AlexWhere's your face? I don't see your face that much. I mean, I-

MerlinI see your feet because I'm a patron.

AlexOh my God.

MerlinGo to patreon.com slash do by Friday if you want hot pics of Alex's feet, the various bandages, the orthopedic boots, the novelty video game socks.

AlexI love my novelty video game socks.

MerlinYou know that's somebody's special thing. There's a weatherman out there that's just ready to blow his fucking storm surge over some Pokemon socks.

AlexI recently found out about the thriving market of Pokemon Go OnlyFans stars, and I'm not. I'm glad that people enjoy that.

MerlinOh, boy, I need a lot of punctuation in that sentence.

AlexYep, I'm glad that people... Pokemon. Wait.

MerlinOnly fans is where you give money to somebody for like looking at a sex thing, right?

AlexThat's – well, that's porn. People are like – Oh, sorry. It's the Patreon for porn and – which is sort of true. But they also do podcasts.

MerlinIt sounds a lot like Bitcoin and Torrance.

AlexWell, that's – Like, yeah.

Speaker AWell, yeah, but like why don't you just –

MerlinNo, I get it. I get it. I'm very – I'm extremely sex – well, I'm not sex positive. I'm glad you guys are having fun as long as I don't have to know about it.

AlexYes.

MerlinNo, I'm not talking about gay stuff. I'm just talking about, ooh, there's a guy and he's jizzing and getting all emotional. I don't want any of that. Why would I be positive about that?

AlexAs far as I know, no one I know has ever had sex and never will because everybody has been immaculately conceived. Oh, that's a good way to look. Like, you know what? Yeah.

MerlinYou know, it's like that old joke they say about, like, what do you call a thousand lawyers at the bottom of the ocean? A good start. You know, maybe this is a way of finally killing off the pro bono. And let's be honest, pro se, the people who represent themselves, the various penis attorneys. A pro se penis attorney, you represent yourself really hard all the time. Oh, storm surge.

Yeah, Newt Rollins looks nice. So that's cool, though. So your face is out there enough, huh?

AlexNo, no. Okay. Well, but this is where I have now changed my opinion on good podcast T-shirts.

MerlinOh, I'd love to hear about this.

AlexOr at least which is the better of the... Are your T-shirts... Go buy Merlin's stuff on Relay.fm slash Rectiff.

MerlinI don't think we have anything for sale right now.

AlexOh, I thought it was an on-demand thing. You think I'm talking Redbubble?

MerlinCheck out my cool Play With Me in the Space shirt that I made a minute ago. Check out my Wasteland monster diorama you can buy.

AlexListen, I know that Redbubble just like scrapes shit, but I'm still very flattered when I see like a Dubai Friday or logo or something on it. And I'm like, oh, what a piece of shit.

MerlinI would love that. I'm just saying like when I was very into like, well, two programs, election profit makers. And I think I bought the shirt from also from the podcast we used to like. That's not maintenance phase.

AlexWait, you're wrong about it?

MerlinYeah. Yeah. Yeah.

AlexOh, my God. I still I adore. I will not hear a bad thing about.

MerlinNo, you're not. You're missing my point. All I'm trying to say is that, like, I bought their shirt and I bought the EPM shirt.

AlexOh, yeah.

MerlinI mean, that's almost a Syracuse-quality shirt. It's very, very bad. It's basically, I mean, it's not, it's really, it seems very similar to what I did as a youngster in the 70s when you'd go to the store at the mall and you'd get a Star Wars iron-on. I'd always get my name on the back, too, so people would think I'm on some kind of athletic team. Oh, it's Merlin.

AlexWait, wait, wait. So a Star Wars.

MerlinLooks like he plays second X-Wing.

AlexShit.

MerlinRed 5, standing by. That's so sad. I should have gotten an athletic scholarship to Rollins. I heard they have a good theater program.

AlexOh, boy. Well, there are two...

MerlinDo you want to transition to your... Oh, sorry. Go ahead.

AlexWait, wait, wait. There are two rectifters.

MerlinSorry, no, no, I interrupted you. I apologize.

AlexGood, good, great, grand.

MerlinThey're both fine.

AlexThey're both fine.

MerlinI have an emotional problem with shirt designs that I consider to be too large. I think it's an affliction. I think it's a little bit like the ableism that I have with my low rise. I feel the same way here. I think the things that people put on shirts are too big. I think we need to go in another direction. I think whether it's a Fantastic Four logo or a Fantastic Four and a Half logo or whatever it is, it should be smaller than you think. because people design it on a computer, look at it on their screen,

and then when somebody gets it, it's like tit to tit. It's practically going to your back.

AlexIt's a bad look. You either need to go full-on huge... Just go Ed Hardy.

MerlinJust get a douchebag graphic tee pattern.

AlexYes. Yes, go Ed Hardy or go minimalist.

MerlinMight as well wear Adidas shower sandals. You look like a predator. What the fuck?

Alexfucking thumb ring unlike the Sex Pest rectif shirts I have I do have that version but I also have just the wonderful little it is a command key but instead of command it says rectifs very small very small very very small and then underneath it just says I'm doing a lot with computers right now but that I realized

is an invitation. It's an invitational shirt. And I'm like, oh God, this is a mistake. This is a mistake.

MerlinOh, it's like when you go to one of those conferences or like a Jonathan Colton cruise and you pick up what kind of button. I like hugs. I don't like hugs. Ask me first. That kind of thing. You're basically saying I love hugs on a big button.

AlexIt's basically saying I'm a nerd. But it's written in binary. Ask me about my computer. Okay, that'd be fucking cool. Anyway, I am now not anti, but cautious of shirts that are mostly text because it's an invitation for someone to observe.

To look at you.

MerlinYou're like you're basically a bipedal sign.

Alexis that ableist that was ableist i don't know i don't know talk a sign no that's not nice i mean you're basically a person of inanimate object so oh you're like a spinning sign but walking yeah these kiwis are big um um but but uh yeah no they weren't even these people were fine and normal of course but i was like i just am no no i need to go back to wearing um that's why we need more emblem or crest shirts maybe we could make shirts for fake podcasts the that okay

Merlini'm not saying that is there even such a thing as a fake podcast at this point because it might

Alexbe that every podcast has been made and named and and it really helps people discover the show podcasts for the listeners they're just in the wind those video games are really helping us out

Merlinthanks to everybody who plays pay-to-play video games for becoming a listener to this show even though you don't know it.

AlexOh my God.

MerlinWe could sell shirts that way.

AlexI was wondering.

MerlinYou ordered a shirt. You didn't know you ordered a shirt. You thought you were just playing Fruit Jammer or whatever. You know? Some kind of... What's a popular game right now? There's a fruit...

AlexThere was fruit games for a while. Escape from Something Mansion. I don't know. That's the thing. I just get the most...

MerlinThat should be the name of our podcast is Escape from Something Mansion.

Alexthere's literally there's literally a um oh fuck what's her name oh oh um um misery the titanic what's her name uh not marco martindale i know who you mean uh yeah i know who you mean it's misery um kathy bates yes thank you literally they have an ad oscar nominee kathy bates yes yes she is in an ad for mystery mansion i truly don't know but i oh like a tv ad uh no No, no, no, no.

I mean, maybe it's, I don't have a TV.

MerlinBut Kathy Bates is in a phone ad for a phone game?

AlexYes, for a phone game. Yes.

MerlinIs she good?

AlexI will put it in notes.

Speaker ANotes, notes, notes.

AlexShe played the unsinkable Molly Brown. That's the thing. I'm like, I know this is an iPhone game that's pay to play, probably. But I just looked at it and I'm like, this is a great ad. I really want to get it.

MerlinI feel like that about, how do I always forget his name? Sam Richardson, who I love in everything. so much, you know, so the, well, he's the way to say, it's the black guy

Alexon I Think You Should Leave. Oh my god.

MerlinBaby of the Year, you know, he's Richard Splett, he's great in fucking everything. And so like, whatever, Legal Zoom, not a huge fan, but I'm always like, hey, it's nice to see him get the work. You know, I don't mean that in a condescending way, but I mean, like, I like that he's risen to a level where somebody would put him in a commercial, because I think that's pretty good dough, and I want him to be happy.

AlexOh, for sure. I see a lot of... I want Sam Richardson to be happy. Yeah. I don't think that people like Matt Damon, who like they're literally doing. Fortune favors the bold. Oh, boy.

MerlinThat commercial was so fucking weird.

AlexIt was so weird. And like a lot of.

MerlinWhat was that place? A museum, but real in crypto?

AlexNo, it was crypto. No, no, no. It was, I think it was for crypto.com.

MerlinNo, no, I know. But like, what was that space that he was in when he's walking around and there's Columbus and there's like an exhibit of people who didn't buy crypto?

Alexyou know and stuff like that that couldn't have been real no no that was the larry david

Merlinactually kind of funny crypto one think of where he wanders through this this mise en scene it looks like a museum and he's like fortune favors the bold and here's christopher columbus but there's a bunch of fucking pussy cucks he didn't buy ethereum or or whatever and then then there

Alexwas a crash which was a bummer but that i felt really i've i've never been so worried about

Merlinstrangers on the internet you see that one doesn't see that's a good example though that is as john siracusa says the exception that proves the rule where like um i mean i enjoy that actor a lot in a lot of things i mean there's nothing i don't enjoy him in he's great he's great on he's great on 30 rock he's i mean obviously he's great in all the great movies but he's great in a lot he's great in uh fucking uh techo watiti's uh thor movies he's great but that didn't make me happy it didn't make me happy that he does that.

AlexNo, that's the thing is, I'm like, at what point are you like, yeah, I'm just doing this progressive commercial and it's like harmless. It's not the best insurance.

MerlinYeah. Jon Hamm in a progressive commercial any day.

AlexRight. But it's like, OK, if you are in a Super Bowl commercial shilling something, you have to know what, like, right? Because I get it. Like celebrities, their agents are just like, here, do this. Like, it's an art thing. And it's like, OK, cool. Sure. Why not? but Matt Damon Super Bowl

Merlinnow that the now that the podcast advertising market has imploded I have this less of a problem I mean oh no well but you know it's I mean there's there's sponsors that we've had and I've told you this I think mostly off the record but my frustration with this has certainly leaked out a little bit over time especially when my ad read sounds like a hostage message of some kind but there are sponsors we've had and I where they're like

Speaker AI'm like

MerlinHey, you know, A, the ad copy for this is a little bit over the top, guys. Like, just if I read this in, even just in third person, like, this is pretty close to a, what's the word I'm looking for? A, not a sponsorship, but a, like, where I'm, like, the spokesman?

Testimonial. Reads like a testimonial. Yeah. But it's part of the thing. And I'm like, hey, actually, you know, the thing is, like, even, like I say, and there's a reason I keep saying that. Even if I read this in third person, I'd have to be like, hey, if somebody I knew came to me and said, should I use this VPN? I would say no. I would say don't use this VPN. And here's some reasons why. Like if you're going to use a VPN, step zero is be careful that you don't unintentionally step into the exact opposite of what a VPN is for.

AlexAnd also don't tell people what you are using your VPN for. That was one of the first things I was told about BDance.

MerlinOh, yeah, like to watch English Netflix or something, which I've had really mixed results with. Hulu hates that. Hulu gets really mad when you do that.

AlexYeah, I got a strike one time for using BDance.

MerlinOh, I got the thing where you had to reset your home.

AlexNo, no, no, no. It was a-

MerlinThis thing was like, okay, you're doing this too many places. This is weird. Something's going on. In order to watch, in my case, in order to watch live TV again, I had to like redeclare my home and you get three of those a year and then you're done.

AlexOh, no. Interesting, because I will say I'll I'll take the brave bold stance and say that I share my HBO Max and Disney Plus passwords far and wide. And I've never gotten a like, hmm, this seems weird. But when I have been legally like signed into various Comcast accounts or just services at different like it just seems weird. It's like, yes, of course, I'm using this business service at two different locations. I don't like. OK.

MerlinIt doesn't have the same consequences as overactive fraud prevention with your bank, which I live in fucking fear of every day, of being humiliated, trying to spend money.

AlexEventually, you get used to it.

MerlinWell, I'm a poor kid, right? I'm never going to have enough money to make my childhood a childhood of means. I'm always going to be cringing every time I run a card or open my wallet for the rest of my life. And that's just the thing I have to deal with. That obviously has more consequences.

But it's still like, guys, I mean, aren't there people out there where there's 20 people using their Netflix password? And I haven't had many problems with Netflix. I've had not that many problems with Hulu if I don't use a VPN. Do you ever get nasty grams about too many people logged in from different services?

AlexActually, I have from Netflix. And, of course, I was indeed abusing the service. But I also got an email recently. This is a really bad customer experience. Okay. I need to actually look. I promise this is almost good. Almost interesting. As I said on my Patreon.

MerlinI have no idea how long we're going to. I would suggest you force fluids and take a lot of pee breaks because this might be a long one.

AlexOh, probably. Sorry. We'll need to get the.

MerlinIf you do pee, make sure you save it for Patreon.

AlexWe need all of the people who, all of the bots who are listening to us. How do you know the bots are listening?

MerlinHow can you tell? Oh, the bots that are listening because of video games.

AlexYes. Yes.

MerlinPay to play.

AlexYes.

MerlinSo you're looking something up?

AlexI am looking up an email. Ah, okay. The date of this, I received this email on, oh, I received this email on Thursday, September 1st. At 11, 11 a.m.

Speaker AOkay.

AlexUh, 2022. So, it says, happy anniversary from DVD.com. And I'm like, wait, how, how, I'm surprised. I have a lot of spam filters. What the fuck? And then it says, happy anniversary, Alexandra. We appreciate you and your passion for movies. Oh, no. Your Netflix DVD plan includes unlimited access to the best movies from the past 100 years. we've noticed and this all right strange that I've never

heard of it though we noticed and here's where it gets wild we noticed you've held on to your latest Netflix DVD Waking Sleeping Beauty which is a decent documentary about Disney for a while maybe it's gone missing these things happen if that's the case we've got your back report it missing and we'll wave the lost disc fee and send out the next title in your queue. If it's still around, great. Return it. Was there a time when you subscribed

Merlinin the DVD days? No, this is

Alexthis is yes, yes. So this is indeed a real thing. I spent like an hour figuring out, yes, Netflix has DVD.com and yes. Boy, that feels sketchy, Alex. It feels sketchy. Well, I'm, but that's okay. I'm going to DVD.com

Merlinagain. Waking, sleeping

Alexbeauty. Oh, no, no.

Merlinthis is a real no no no no i'm just adding it to my uh legally obtained media machine yes your

Alexyour real paid paid media machine but uh i by the way just explain to a kid who is now 14

Merlinwhat netflix because i'm still well as they say old enough to remember the netflix that was but try and explain to a kid even younger than my kid but explain that there used to be a service where they would send you dvds and then you'd send them back and you could have a plan where some people are on the one dvd plan i was on the three dvd plan but there were bigger oh which one so as i i was spoiled it was awesome oh three's i but that's that's the pretty that's most people i think were on three um but then there was one where you could have more like five or seven or

whatever and so you're like wait a minute so they send you a plastic disc and you watch and you send it back and it's like yeah but it's like a library where you can have this mini checked out and if this truffe film like sits on your tv in the envelope well my friend katherine calls notflix and you then you just feel bad about it and it's like to a kid like my my kid calls all plastic discs cds that's incredible because they're all i mean that's the thing it's like no but that includes 4k hd blu-rays they're all cds cds are the name of this old form factor it might as well

Alexmight as well be a tape uh i that's actually incredible that's oh that's upsetting so what

Merlindid you get to the bottom of it did you find your did you wake up cinderella no sleeping beauty

Alexoh no i definitely do have this i still have this you know you've had it this whole time and you're not stressed out absolutely oh no no i i was i got an email one day that's like we're uh still doing d we i've gotten a couple emails over the years saying hey do you still have your dvd remember

Merlintying up loose ends. That's totally fine.

AlexNo, no, no. Netflix still has a thriving well, thriving. Existent.

MerlinDVDs are still a product in their lineup. Yeah, and

AlexI was like, huh, it seems like you didn't. Did it make you want to get back on it? Well, back in the day when I would order all of these CDs, typically I would immediately I would immediately put them in Handbrake and then, you know, they would live on my computer.

MerlinOh, really? What did you have? An iBook?

AlexNo, no, no. This was the iMac. Power Book. Oh. Well, first the iMac with the first, oh, the first DVD. You had an iMac with a DVD drive.

MerlinWow.

AlexMm-hmm, mm-hmm. Must be nice. Big pig money. It was, yeah, it was. It was so spoiled. But yeah, and then my 12-inch Power Book. That beast was just constantly ripping through DVDs. That's what I call my hog. Yeah. Yeah.

Merlinit's only off by one order of magnitude also there's no power it doesn't boot

Alexoh boy

MerlinI've got the blue screen of death on my wing I'm sorry honey I think I've had a kernel panic

I'm going to be awake for a while.

AlexReally?

MerlinWell, yeah, I had all those drugs.

AlexOh, that's right.

MerlinYeah.

AlexI cannot take the, as we've talked about, cannot take the stimulant for ADHD. And a friend of the show texted me and was like, hey, listen to the last Roderick on the line. Merlin mentions you. No, Merlin mentions somebody who is on the same drugs as John Roderick. It may or may not be me. But I, too, am on. You're talking about Lamictal? Well, Lamictal, and he is now on a toxaboxetine.

MerlinOh, the box of toxetine.

AlexYeah.

MerlinAnd that's not a stimulant, though. It's not a stimulant. I'm going to write that down. What should I write down?

AlexI truly.

MerlinNew ADHD drug?

AlexTox, um, met, um. New. What kind of drug? i-o-m-o-x-e-t-i-n-e um yeah and it is just the that that's what i have for my supposed uh adhd um but it's it it's the the problem is i stopped taking it for a while and then and then no no no no no i intentionally i i intentionally stopped taking it for a while

It's all because of my phone. It's all because of my phone. Nothing else. It's not my fault.

MerlinThat is the thinnest, lamest excuse on every level that I have ever heard. If you just wanted to avoid people, read as me, you didn't have to act like your phone didn't work.

AlexNo, but here's the amazing part, which actually, did I take a screenshot of this? this morning I got an alert that's like by the way your iCloud backup is still incomplete and it says oh Apple AD suggestions restore incomplete some items could not be restored from the iCloud backup and then it just says messages there's a single bullet point that says messages and then you can hit okay and I'm like really you can't but my

messages are on

Merlinmy Mac. Maybe you got hacked. Maybe the NSA has them. Maybe they're checked out of the repo, as you say. No. No. No. You text a lot, don't you?

AlexWell, not recently. I tweet a lot recently. You don't respond to them a lot. I don't respond to them. Oh, boy. I have to do not disturb on

Merlinor I have to talk to Matt you or

AlexI'm being contacted by Alex through Slack. He was like, no. I know. Which is really, that's wow. Yeah, I know. I know. It was bad. It was bad.

MerlinBut you got to make it look real. You got to make it look like your phone actually doesn't work.

AlexOh, no.

MerlinYou're telling me this was all real. You're telling me this is all real.

AlexOh, no. That was absolutely all real. Oh, God. Well, it was a storm of five-year-olds. Okay.

MerlinWhen you're done talking about the New York Times, I think you should tell our listeners this story.

AlexOh, okay. Okay.

MerlinWhen you're done.

AlexWhen you're done. I'm not going to interrupt you. I'm done with the New York Times other than they keep writing pieces about how women are no longer women and how trans kids are yeah the 40 trans kids who get surgery a year by by kids i mean minors and i okay i actually learned this number it's it's a it's another version of voter

Merlinfraud it's another version of like there is a thing that absolutely does happen i'm not i'm not i'm not trying to say that any kind of gender anything like affirmation whatever stuff is i'm I'm not saying it's bad, like voter fraud. But there's a side in America, and they are a side, who acts like voter fraud is a much more prevalent and nefarious thing than it is. And it's what some people on cable news, in a way I despise, refer to as the big lie.

AlexAnd it's like, well, they really love that. She's seeing Nicole.

MerlinNicole is all in on this whole, like, the twice impeached, disgraced ex-president.

AlexAnd it's become a bit. I don't know.

MerlinOh, Nicole Wallace. She used to work for George W. Bush. And now she has a program on MSNBC.

AlexWhat? Oh.

MerlinYou don't know Nicole? She has a large face. She's cool. She used to be on The View or something, I think, or the Today Show or one of those ladies drinking coffee shows. I think she used to be on it.

Also, we're all very worried about Barbara Walters.

AlexYes, why was that trending? There was nothing. There was nothing.

MerlinBecause I don't know why I never clicked the magnifying glass. That's going in the document. But all I'm trying to say is it's like voter fraud, where you go like, yeah, yeah. Okay, first of all, like, you know what? I can't get into the whole fucking thing. But like, do you think it like you're like, oh, yeah, it's just cool to like be a queer kid or to be a trans kid. It's like, I mean, are you sure it's that cool? Like, or could it be something they've known all their life and they just, as I like to think of it, trust you enough to say something now? do you think it's really that big of a deal do you really feel like there's a blight

on secondary school sports i mean is it really is it all really that bad are there that many cat litter boxes and then on top of it all they're putting them in white vans and and taking them to a like a sex dungeon and turning them into uh baby sex slaves oh i wish i had a big white van

Alexno one would approach me or talk to me ever if i had a big white van that would be shit oh you

MerlinYou know what? Also, can I suggest also that you do the thing we used to do, and I'm sorry if this is in politics to say, but if you want to have a fake like a fake Fred Flintstone beard like a hobo, forgive my saying, you burn the end of a cork and you give yourself a beard like that. Now, I think you giving yourself a beard and running around in a white van would be a terrific look. And you could listen to podcasts.

AlexOh, oh, I see. No, absolutely. Absolutely. Honest to God.

MerlinBut if you really got to stop wearing shirts with words on it.

AlexYes. But but but here this is OK. jokes leaving the room one of the statistics i or statistics it's not statistics it's a number one of the numbers in this new york time piece was uh like yes 50 um 50 children under the age of 19 get top surgery every year um and then do you know how many that's really not many people uh But how many kids, specifically cis young girls under the age of 18, 13 to 18, get breast implants?

MerlinI mean, so do you have a number or a percentage on that?

AlexThree over 3,000 is the consensus, which, okay, there's many.

MerlinAnd there's lots of reasons.

AlexThere's lots of reasons.

MerlinJust to get it out of the way, everybody, with all respect, shut up. There are people who work cosmetic surgery for the reason it was originally intended. Like in World War I, they put your thumb in place of your nose. Like we're rebuilding something. So people who've had cancer may need some kind of a treatment for a variety of reasons. There's reasons people get plastic surgery. Some of it might be all kinds of functional things. Setting aside that it's none of my fucking business what people decide to do with your body. But what you're telling me is there's 60 times more girls get breast implants before they graduate from high school.

AlexYeah. And I was like, huh. I was like, oh, boy. But another number.

MerlinSome people have the boobs removed. Some people have the boobs put on or made bigger. It's sort of like when you go to 7-Eleven, like take a penny, leave a penny.

AlexYeah.

MerlinDo they look at a gross number, like the gross national product? You put this on a Y axis, you could see the net number of boobs lost or gained. This should be going into our strategic boob reserve.

AlexIt was exactly. That's the thing. I was like, just trade. Just like how we trade, you know, T for T, that's actually hormones for hormones. Yeah.

MerlinWhen boobs are outlaws, only outlaws will have boobs.

AlexAnd that's the thing. Also, over 4,000 girls get breast reduction surgery, which is very, very common because unfortunately it's a like.

MerlinI've known a bunch of girls who did that. I mean, there was a girl, especially in my college. I almost did too. I mean, she was very unhappy. And like, I don't know. I mean, I always get the terms wrong, the phoria and the morphia and the everything. But like what it came down to was she had like H-sized boobs and terrible, terrible, like back pain. And like, you know, there's a reason she became a goth kid with, you know, hair in her eyes. She's like people were just gawking at her breasts her whole sensate life, basically.

Anyway, and that's so I don't I don't think that is a necessarily like a, you know, it does not cause real H cups.

Alexof new college you know style reality show well but and it's just interest like i'm not interested because we we all by we i mean probably people listen to show like all these arguments of that's castration and like blah blah blah is just like we hate trans kids like we don't actually care that they can't breastfeed or whatever right but like i'm like wait there's like they're not

Merlinthey're not reasons they're excuses yeah like why am i am terrible because of these things i will present as reasons but they're actually just post-hoc excuses for a grave fear of what we

Alexperceive to be different in other people yeah and like it's it's all right right yeah exactly and and merlin has put that perfectly but i was still just really taken aback by like the wait these other surgeries that have the same side effects why is this why is this getting a voice i was like I didn't even know. And again, like if a 16 year old for whatever reason wants boobs, bigger boobs like you go. All right. Fine. I was I just found that very even surprising to like I don't know.

MerlinWas it I'm sorry. I don't know what you're talking about. Was it an opinion piece?

AlexYeah, it was the most recent. It was the most recent New York Times opinion.

MerlinLike Sunday or like opinions, but it's an opinions piece that will be up somewhere. OK.

AlexYeah, I'll find it. And it's by a writer that I usually like. And the thing that I'm worried-

MerlinIs it Ross Douthat?

AlexNo, but what-

MerlinIs it Brett? What's his name? Brett Stevens?

AlexNo, it was not Brett Easton Ellis, Brett Stevens.

MerlinWas it David Brooks, Alex? Was it David Brooks?

AlexNo, it was not David Brooks. Man, I would love- Was it Thomas Friedman?

MerlinThomas Friedman, you know, he was in a cab one day, and he heard that the world is flat.

AlexAre these just all sub-stack stars?

MerlinI'm going to a random name generator.

AlexOh, okay. because I'm like maybe could be could be so I'm going to search for trans

MerlinT-R-A-N-S nothing there you'll find it for me I don't know do I want to read it

AlexI probably don't want to read it well it's just it's one of those things that this is a fairly like a liberal what we would call probably a liberal writer who is still again writing about like this non story and I will say that I do have not just because of the laptop surgery I had a bone to pick with it, but it also features the surgeon that I am hopefully going to be using, who is now once again getting bomb threats and death threats.

And that's pretty like, oh, yes.

MerlinAnd this is this ties in with the whole like threatening the Boston hospital.

AlexRight.

MerlinRight.

AlexOh, yeah. That was that was like real like there. Oh, that was. And so luckily this woman, Dr. Gallagher, who I only, of course she's in Florida. She's been in Florida for decades. But I'm like, oh, man. Anyway, like failing New York Times. Really? Why are these? Oh, shit. This isn't even under opinion. This is under health. Really? Oh, good. Really? Come on. That's cool. I'm not going to write about COVID and you're going to write about this?

Come the fuck on.

MerlinI used to like their COVID reporter, and I think she went a little bit off.

AlexYeah. Ed Young is still the only that I.

MerlinOkay. All right. All right.

AlexThe Atlantic guys.

MerlinI enjoyed them. You're doing a new drug, Atoxamabox?

AlexOh, I should go to that. Hot Russian podcast in your area. I've had this drug for a while, Atoxamaboxamab.

MerlinI'm just looking at my sheet of paper.

AlexOh, you have a piece of paper along with the canonical show notes.

Merlininteresting. Oh, and I have a text file.

AlexAnd a text file. Well, I have a drafts file that I put in

Merlinpotentially. Yeah, same idea.

AlexYeah. Hmm. Hmm. Now I feel

Merlindishonest. I feel dishonest. I have the line, line 35, weather men with boners.

Speaker AHmm.

MerlinGod, I prepped for this one. The edible's totally worn off. I am going to need to refill my iced tea. Oh, good, you sent it to me. I need to refill my iced tea, but I'm feeling good. How are you

Alexfeeling let's do a check-in how you feeling i'm feeling great yeah you sound great well i'll tell

Merlinyou well let's do jazz break i'll refill my iced tea and then maybe when we come back uh you you

Alexcould uh tell the listeners about your week oh yeah oh see and here you we're gonna have a jazz break and insert an ad for noom cars.com and uh another have you heard about carvana yeah yeah and oh oh um they invented the car vending machine ah spotify just keeps calling me fat because those are the only ads I get for weight loss.

MerlinYou can save up to 15% on your current weight.

AlexOh, her... All right. All right, I'm going to get a drink.

MerlinI'll be back.

AlexI'm going to end the meeting then.

MerlinAre you going to talk to our listeners while I get a drink?

AlexNo, no, no, no.

MerlinIt's okay if you want to.

AlexLet's come back. When would you like to come back? I'm just...

MerlinNo, no, no, no, no. I'm literally... No, no, no.

AlexYou're misunderstanding me.

MerlinThis is still the show. I'm literally just going to get another iced tea. Why don't you talk to the listeners for a minute? I'll come back.

AlexSure. Okay. Stand by. I'm going to talk to the listeners. Actually, I'm going to drink some of my own lemon tea. This is, it's, hmm, number 539, Seltzer, Corthall's Collection. And it's like one of those big seltzer bottles. I didn't know, bottles, cans. I know that we make fun of the liquid deaths of the world's, you know, those canned waters, but like canned flat water.

And it's like, have this instead of a beer. It'll make you look cool. And honestly, though, the water, the canned water tastes really good. Even flat canned water. I am now a big proponent. They have it at gas stations, too. So it's, I don't know. I'm with it. What are you talking about? Canned, flat canned water. I like the taste of it.

MerlinFlat canned water.

AlexYes. Oh, instead of a plastic bottle? Right. Like initially there was liquid death, which was like, yeah, this is the non-alcoholic drink, but it looks like a big beer can. Cool, isn't it? But people are like, oh, actually, it's kind of convenient just to have canned water, even if it's not seltzer. And it tastes pretty good.

MerlinIt's like if you put a fake mustache on a water.

AlexNo, it's good. Oh, yeah.

MerlinHello, I'm a beer.

AlexIt's much more like if you put an Ed Hardy t-shirt on a can of water.

MerlinThis drink tastes funny.

AlexYeah.

MerlinShut up. Would you permit me a reference?

AlexYes.

MerlinI don't know if it's an S.E. Hinton book. I want to say it could be. I don't know. It's Rumble Fish. That was then. This is now The Outsiders. My God, are those all S.E. Hinton books?

AlexI don't know.

MerlinWhat about Rumble Fish? But there's one book where they talk about it might be Rumble Fish. But one of the guys, you know, probably like Soda Pop or Butthole or whoever goes like, you know, it isn't like fighting people when they're hopped up. Remember that?

AlexHopped up.

MerlinAnd I think I might be a little bit hopped up today.

AlexOh.

MerlinI should go fight a greaser, a mod, a rocker, a punk.

AlexNow, may I ask, did you record with John Syracuse last night?

MerlinNo. Everything's all, you know, Dan's got a lot going on right now. So we haven't recorded that in two and a half weeks.

AlexHe just wants an apology. Just an apology.

MerlinThat keeps getting moved. and then when you had this last week which is a terrific more trans teens are choosing top surgery okay I'm going to put that in notes but I'll close that tab Alex how are you? I am

Alexdoing well how are you? You seem

Merlingreat. I am okay well I mean just okay

Alexno no I can

Merlinthey only wait me for the important meetings you've had a week

AlexI have had a week on Monday I see you got multiple versions.

MerlinThis Monday the 26th?

AlexNo, no, no. Sorry. Monday the 20th. Because yes, because the phones arrived on the 16th. Yes.

Merlin20th was a Tuesday.

AlexOh, nope. I have my calendar set to the proper way. You know what? It doesn't matter to the story. I'm sorry. Please continue. You're doing to me. Her name was Jane. um the the what was i oh monday monday monday i 19th or the 18th monday the 19th i forgot to take uh all of my meds which keep my bipolar brain in check and uh normal is a well you skipping over

the part about the phone i'm skipping well i on friday i would not assume that people heard your jeremiah no i'm not i'm getting i'm getting to it i'm i could i should read did i interrupt you you're hopped up uh well friday i received a new telephone it's a purple iphone that objectively really ugly purple for me it's the perfect purple i love it it's delightful but like a lot of our friends i had a lot of trouble transferring the old phone to the new i heard about this

MerlinI saw this on the shovel blogs. I think this is a thing.

AlexIt is a thing. And especially because now the iPhones have gone from physical SIM cards, which are the little tiny.

MerlinSo it's not even optional anymore. It just comes that way?

AlexIt just comes that way. Wow. That's wild. That's a big swing. Well, it is. Courage. Like me, still on the original iPhone plan.

MerlinAT&T, right?

AlexYeah. Yes. uh and you're getting you want to stay grand they'd in i'm grand they'd in and i was like oh cool it worked it took a half hour but it uh worked i guess and then it took um you know five hours with the direct transfer and then that failed and then the iCloud uh update and then that failed and uh finally i was like oh cool it seems to have worked on monday um but a bunch of stuff didn't actually transfer or rather like permissions didn't go through sort of a silent failure thing

Merlinwhere like you got that message today but you didn't get like a pop-up saying this has been

Alexinterrupted start over or something right not not until today where it was like oh by the way this has failed um but all of my reminders not just in the not not just in like omni focus and to-do-ist But in Apple's own reminders, like all of my notifications had been turned off and this was not in a focus mode. So weird. I mean, it seems like it isn't weird. It happened to a lot of people.

But I am the weird one in which my brain.

MerlinI mean, it's one thing if like the names for the phone numbers haven't all synced up, like you'll occasionally just get that. And it's a blip.

AlexI still have that.

MerlinThat in my head makes more sense. In this case, that seems like a weird class of thing. So you got the reminders, but they didn't beep or you didn't get them at all. Well, you know, I went through this. God, shit, dog. You remember I went through this not long ago, too, where I couldn't get reminders on my Mac for like months.

AlexOh, yes. Oh, God, I remember that. I forgot about that.

MerlinOkay, continue. But really, you don't just like wake up in the morning and remember you got to take the drugs. That doesn't just. I'm not criticizing, but like it feels like a hole in my day if I haven't taken my morning. pills and my night pills feels like two holes right that okay all right i'm an adult i'm an

Alexadult i'm an adult uh normally that's true yeah normally it is just a reflex to take my brain pills in the morning but my grandpa 87 year old grandpa has been going yeah don't please don't

Merlinskip over this part yeah has been i mean just to be clear for everybody here because you're gonna You're terrible at this. Alex has been dealing with a grandfather and surgery cycle for weeks.

AlexYes. Which has been like. Which is very stressful. It is. But like I've been doing pretty well considering. And he's currently in a rehab home in Florida. We're in Florida, Alex.

Just roughly.

MerlinIs it anywhere near where the hurricane is going to land?

AlexJust kind of in the middle of it. So my grandma, like my rest of the family is safe and good. But, you know, we were talking, though, like my grandpa's like, honestly, if this is what kills me and not the multiple surgeries in the past week, so be it.

MerlinOh, my God.

AlexLike, honestly, all right. But no, my grandpa was in and out for surgeries.

MerlinGeorge Bush doesn't care about old people.

AlexYeah.

MerlinThat was my Kanye West impersonation.

AlexBut that's the thing is because my timeline has been my timeline. I guess that's how I'm going to call my life now. I don't hate that. Yeah, my timeline was all topsy-dirty.

MerlinCan I make a slight amendment? My current timeline.

AlexYes, yes. My current timeline was just a bit topsy-dirty.

MerlinIn another one, I'm a bartender. In another one, I'm the single mother. Sorry, the unwed mother. Huh.

AlexMy timeline. oh i love that movie i can't believe syracuse it doesn't like that two and a half stars what piece of shit that guy is monster um but yeah normally the reflex uh my normal daily reflexes were gone which is why i have so many backup reminders of hey by the way you take your meds just uh double check in all right cool woo well it's like the checklist thing right i mean yeah

Merlinproblems with surgery and aerospace got a lot less of a got to be a lot less of a problem when you made people check off stuff they were positive they'd done it does make a difference it absolutely to this day when they inspect the plane between flights to this day people who do nothing but this all day long have a list of things to check off and that's why planes don't fall out of the

Alexsky and you just summarized the entirety of the checklist manifesto which is a really boring book about a very important thing have you read it it's so fucking boring no i think i've read about it

MerlinIt sounds like it's up my alley.

AlexBut you just summarized the whole book.

MerlinBut is it one of those, like, it's too long, it could have been a brochure, those kind of things?

AlexYes, yes. It could have been bullet points.

MerlinYeah, I mean, like, there's a lot of the most interesting stuff is ultimately it comes down to, like, one novel idea or one novel-seeming idea.

AlexBut it's not even novel.

MerlinDon't spend all day in your inbox. Okay.

Alexbut but um so i didn't notice that i i believe it unfortunately a side effect of not taking meds is sometimes you have like uh derealization episodes and you can't really remember what went on or what happened but i definitely missed my meds on monday but uh matchy didn't know this because like I am a normally pretty stable normal person and he was like okay uh he didn't know this

and just knew that I was you know really stressed about my grandpa going in and out of surgeries and on Wednesday uh I think I texted you like hey I'm having a day of it can we push recording back uh but I also did not have access to my messages for some reason because again I It synced up, which is all very silly, comical things. But then Matthew became the police person.

MerlinNo, all these things in obscurity are surmountable.

AlexYeah, yeah. It was – luckily Matthew –

MerlinIt makes it complicated, though. It's like you had a crash on the road and then they tore the highway down.

AlexRight, right.

MerlinHey, I'm crashing here.

AlexEven if I had not – even if I had – like if it was business as usual, like if I had taken my meds and I was not in see you you are making me terrible telling this story because I didn't take my meds I was sort of in a manic episode which is those shoulders come in

Merlinpairs Alex yeah some two sets of footprints you know what I'm saying sometimes sometimes you got to carry the Lord that's what I was medicating you

Alexoh teachers they do medicate themselves and they will show up to record a podcast they'll fish their whole life but i did not show up to record a podcast on wednesday or the the actually i think this is the only one i missed i think i know you go back to my text and see if i can help you recreate yeah it was that that's the thing i'm like recreating the timeline of fuck

did i do anything like manic like back in the college me being in college and like when i was not uh properly medicated and if i missed my meds like i would do like a what is the sound it it's essentially like called a bender even if it's not like drugs like sometimes you spend a lot of money or you do dangerous things and absolutely and in the past i've done that not this time i just looked at my internet history and was like all right this checks out uh it looked

a lot of just dumb shit for a while okay okay i think i can help okay um let's see thursday see

Merlinnow this is gonna sound like i'm i'm bitching but i'm not thursday september 15th i talked to you about a business thing you responded to me about a business thing and then on friday september 16th We talked more about the business thing. And that was the last thing. So Tuesday, September 20th, I asked you about a business thing. Just follow up. And then later I said, I just had to send you that. Did you get the page of delightful Taika Waititi content that I made on the blog?

AlexI see. And I see one business thing. And I'm like, wait, you still haven't been paid. Jesus Christ. I haven't paid Merlin. No, no, no.

MerlinOh, okay.

AlexI'm mad about it.

MerlinYeah. And then I sent you a message. I said, you're not in trouble. And I said, you know, I hate your fucking face. And then Monday at 5 a.m. my time, I get a very long, nice two-paragraph note from you. And I said, yes, and yes. And then I got a message back that says, hello, you've messaged Alex Cox. I'm driving with Do Not Disturb turned on. I'll get back to you soon. Does that help at all? I can also look up my matchy ones. I can find that good new fee.

AlexMonday. Yeah, I'm trying to think, where was I?

MerlinOh, this is a very slobbery new fee.

AlexOh, my God.

MerlinIt's got slobber on its nose, on its snout. It's so cute.

AlexThe dogs that he was walking out. Do you know this dog?

MerlinHave you met this newfie?

AlexYes, this is Dakota. She's the dumbest dog I've ever met. She looks so stupid.

MerlinUsually dogs with big heads are smart.

AlexYeah, nope. She is real dumb. Real, real dumb. Does she know she's dumb?

MerlinIs there a little bit of a dog in Kruger? It's not funny. It's not even a joke.

AlexNo. uh it's it's like there's a little bit of self-awareness there but just well you know

Merlinit's like alexander pope said a little self-knowledge is a dangerous thing

Alexuh and then i i'm oh yeah no i'm like uh that's the thing there there are other and would you would you say that this is oh yay sorry you have re sent me the oh delightful taika wachiti content Oh, hooray. Thank you.

MerlinYeah, so I sent that to you and I had said, hey, you're under no obligation to watch this. But just if you're curious, I had you in mind when I put together this list of some of my favorite Taika Waititi content. Mostly YouTube videos. I'll put this in notes.

AlexThis is very exciting. Thank you. And I would say it's very – I love him.

He's so cute.

AlexRight? And I –

MerlinAnd Jemaine. Oh, my God. We're going to talk about this in this very long episode. But I finally, finally, fucking finally got my kid to watch and get into Flight of the Conchords.

AlexOh.

MerlinFinally.

AlexYeah.

MerlinFinally. Well, have you not done that?

AlexWell, I watched it when it came out. No, it's okay.

MerlinIt's okay. But you're in for a treat.

AlexOh.

MerlinYou're in for a treat.

AlexNo, no, no. I've seen it. But I often rewatch the highlights. Not as much as, you know, I can't do John Mulaney.

MerlinBut this is partly why I want you to watch, one of the many reasons I want you to watch Our Flag Means Death. Because Reese Darby, who plays Murray, the manager.

AlexI feel like I know. Was he in the first episode?

MerlinThe guy who works at the consulate, he always has the posters. New Zealand.

AlexOh.

MerlinYou know, all the posters. And he manages Flight of the Conquores, and he always takes attendance at the beginning. Brit? Prisant?

AlexYou have such a beautiful connection to, I almost said New England. Well, that's where you hit ladies.

MerlinOh, to New Zealand, because of that talk where I cried?

AlexYes, yes. It just looms.

MerlinI'll save it for the show, Alex. New Zealand looms. I want to hear more about your disabilities. but it looms so large in our house i caught it from my kid but my kid so many of my kids favorite things involve our people from new zealand or or tv and movies from new zealand and like the part that keeps perplexing us and making us angry is now in addition to secret brits there's also secret new zealanders or there's people who are kind of from new zealand and kind of from australia and it's really confusing and it's vexing and for a city the size like a city the size of

Auckland and a city the size of Wellington, how are there so many people from those two cities that do all the things? The Beths from Auckland, right?

AlexRight. Well, even, I mean, but like even with Australia, Jeremy Burge, founder of Emojipedia, I- Love that guy. Like, I, we are friends. And I was like, wait, wait, you're from Australia? Wait, wait. And like, I feel like I-

MerlinOh, he's a secret Aussie.

AlexHe's a secret Aussie. like he posted like yay proud of like i'm i don't know australia did a good thing for gay people thank you um and i was like wait a second wait a second but i have a guy follow on twitter jason

Merlinwilson i think he's publicly australian he's out now back back and i got nothing sorry sorry jason wilson um but uh there's all that but like like look at carl urban carl urban 100 new zealand You watch Boys, right? The Boys?

AlexNope. Nope. Still have it. I know.

MerlinI used to watch that. After you've watched Our Flag Means Death.

AlexI have.

MerlinBut like the guy who plays Homelander, totes New Zealand. You know Rogue from The Piano? That girl, Anna Paquin?

AlexOh, yes. I forgot she was.

MerlinShe's New Zealand.

AlexOh, yeah.

MerlinYou ever seen her acceptance speech at the Oscars?

AlexNo.

MerlinIt's one of the greatest things of all time. I'm writing it down. Paquin acceptance. Okay. Yes. Anyway. so grandpa's in the hospital cooking up the medicine um let's see let's check in on the

Alexhurricane dangerous eye wall of hurricane i literally just got a video from my mom uh from maples florida what what is i assume that she would text if something terrible happened

Merlinyeah i mean my family has a lot there's this guy i love on cnn in the mornings um with john Berman, and if I watch the news in the morning, as you know, I cannot, because of my podcasting background and how I started, I cannot watch Morning Joe, because he reminds me too much of certain podcast people. I watch John Berman and Brianna Keillor, and they have a very fun chemistry. Brianna Keillor, she has a kind of resting bee face, but she always looks like she's about to laugh whenever John Berman is talking. He's funny.

He probably should be a gay guy. He's amazing. Poor John Berman got sent to Tampa. And all morning, he's been sitting, standing in the gear with, of course, a giant CNN logo because they're not classy. The poor guy, poor John Berman's got to stand out there in obviously gorgeous weather and talk about what's happening 100 miles away. Because that's where it was going to go. It was coming right at my mom, basically.

AlexOh, gosh.

MerlinAnd then it moved south.

AlexOh, did it ever. Yeah, I am seeing my neighbor, well, not childhood home, but the place that I spent a good deal of my childhood. I'm currently watching a very poorly shot video from either my mom or my son. Oh, I'm sorry.

MerlinThe point being, you have context for the place you're looking at.

AlexOh, yes. I will send you this video. Just like scrub. I mean, I don't know.

MerlinIs it crazy rain?

AlexOh, it is fully flooded. There is at least a foot of. Already? Yeah, yeah. Well, but they're on the beach. So, like, I mean, yeah.

MerlinHow much are they built for stuff like this?

AlexOh, totally. I mean, Sean Hannity lives down the, yeah, Sean Hannity lives down the, like, down the street from them, down the beach from them.

MerlinIs he always doing his thing remotely? I thought he'd be in New York or something.

AlexNo, he just has a part-time home in Naples. Oh, like a beach house. I think I've told you this. And this was my one screed my grandma had against him is he wanted to keep his lights on during turtle mating season, which would have put the turtles at risk. Fuck you, Sean Hannes.

MerlinBut that's the kind of thing that Governor DeSantis calls wokeism.

AlexYes. And even my grandma was like, come on, Sean Hannes.

MerlinHow will I be able to see the F-350 that I don't use for anything if there aren't lights on all the time?

AlexExactly. Exactly.

MerlinHow will I see my diesel burners and my, you know, my acid pits? are they that high up

Alexyes and and they have been through or at least hopefully

Merlinthey're close to the water

Alexthey're on the beach

Merlinoh Alex I can't believe they're not

Alexevacuated nope no one in their building is okay it is it's old people they'll be fine yep yep I know they are so so dumb but weathered through literally and figuratively um like worse storms than this they've been there for now 30 years in this exact building that has been renovated many times so i'm honestly not worried about that and it's a modern building so it's it's meant to okay it's it is it was literally like advertised when i

was uh i i have no memory of this because they've been there like since i was one year one year old and like part of the advertisement was like see look at we see all these crappy buildings around us this is hurricane proof baby and that was like a selling selling point uh so yeah but um the rest like half of the neighborhood has been evacuated i guess uh except for the rich people who live high up like my grandparents um but i which i still think is stupid but honestly if i

was like they have evacuated before but like my grandpa is at a rehab home less than a mile away and they could, they were not, none of the patients could evacuate.

MerlinI think for a lot of people, I mean, I'm not saying to avoid evacuation orders, but I'll bet you for a lot of people, including my mom, based on where they live, I mean, there's some danger of wind and tornadoes, I would guess, especially. But the biggest problem is going to be the electric might be out for days. Which if you're like, my mom has two different machines that need electric. and like that's that's what that's the situation of a lot of people and that's one reason i was like please you know yeah i know you like to be unconventional but please let's let's act like

Alexmr trump wanted you to do it just go pack a bag and and luckily my grandma knock on like oh please god i sort of believe in like she does not need any sort of like she is stocked up she's done this many times but and has evacuated like and she's vaccinated she's not super like yeah she is a fox news she's not totally brain-wormed yeah yeah she's she's a fox news daytime watcher which is like i showed her some of the tucker carlson stuff oh yeah that's where they're that's where

Merlinthey're less weird that's where it's just like airport level yeah like non-controversial news

Alexreporting mostly yeah like like they did a positive segment on a trans kid it was weird as fuck that's probably an editorial error yeah i really am true look at what i just sent you look

Merlinat allie veil she's uh just to scare you a little uh naples more than seven hours before high tide

Alexeven hits look at that yep this is uh yeah this is this is i mean again i'm trying i'm telling myself about like i've seen so much worse um mostly because uh like even that's what the guy

Merlinin slaughterhouse five keeps saying over and over until he's killed yeah i've seen worse and the the

Alexthing is though like this is one of those things where like if i was my grandma and my husband of a million years was down the street and could not be evacuated and i had a very safe building like i wouldn't have left either and i i can't i can't so my grandma dies for this i can't blame her like

MerlinYeah, she had a good run.

AlexYeah, like again, not a good choice to make, but I mean, they...

MerlinIt's like we talk about on Abbott Elementary, you know? You can't win them all. You come in every day and always just try your best. Do you watch Abbott Elementary?

AlexNo, it's on the list. Put that on your list. It is on the list.

MerlinSo we've got Our Flag Means Death, and then there's another one. And also please put Abbott Elementary on there. Don't watch S2E1 until you've watched S1.

AlexI don't watch.

MerlinI want you to have time for the characters to really build. Oh, also Station Eleven. Put Station Eleven on there.

AlexIt is. I'm reading the book now, though. I'm one of those people.

MerlinIs it a comic? No. No. No, because it's a comic. Well, sorry. The titular Station Eleven. Sorry. I'm not going to say anything.

AlexOkay. No, I apologize. It's just a book.

MerlinNo, you apologize. You do that.

AlexThat's the only reason.

MerlinI'm Alex. I'm Alex, and TV shows are too easy for me.

AlexI do.

MerlinI'm doing life in difficult mode. I want a new phone. I want a new phone case. I want a new phone case for my case. I want a new, oh, they're all so wrong, and I don't like this. Everyone is so wrong.

AlexWell, that's the problem with phone case reviews.

MerlinMy family lives in a tower. Woo!

AlexYeah. I'm like, it's going to be fine. It's going to be fine. Yeah.

MerlinThe classic whip-cracking sound of a rich grandkid.

AlexYeah.

Merlini don't have a problem with that uh we'll see it we'll see as mr trump says we'll see how it goes

Alexwe'll see how it goes yeah it's gonna be real bad um but the uh like this the thing is like this is Anyway, yes. So because of all of this, already my Lyft timeline, my current Lyft timeline was topsy-turvy. And I'm normally bad at responding to texts, but people noticed that I was really bad at responding to texts.

MerlinWell, I would think if I could say I'm not a diagnostician, but I think in some ways it mirrors what we used to call your primary brain disorder. Which is there's times where I just don't hear from you and I assume you're depressed. And then there's times when I hear from you a lot.

AlexUh-huh. Mm-hmm.

MerlinThere's a word we used to use for that. We don't use that word anymore.

AlexWe do. Manic is, they just changed.

MerlinWhoa. Pump the brakes.

AlexI don't know if this is a bit. Manic is. It's a bit.

MerlinIt's a bit.

AlexI don't care. Okay. All right. No, no, no. No, no. But manic is still something.

MerlinA lot of people think it's like bisexuality. They think it doesn't really exist.

AlexPick one or the other. You know what I'm saying? I see. I see. yes because my live timeline um but my live timeline got all wonky and then like i i when you have the the the bipolars uh and you then take your i hate that band yeah um so i then the the i took my medication as prescribed um and then it leads to eventually

that crash and depression and then you just hate yourself so much for letting everybody down and

Merlinyou sleep oh you poor kid i'm so sorry no no it's fine i hope i handled everything okay i never want

Alexyou to feel my gosh yes pressured or put upon no no not it again was barely remember all of this

Merlinin retrospect I feel like Maury from fucking Goodfellas you know remember when Robert De Niro goes and has to beat up Maury the toupee guy and he always wants his money I want my money I'm Maury I fell in a pool no

AlexI love that movie

MerlinI love that movie so much I love Ray Liotta I love the way he looks like he's always wearing eyeliner

Alexright same with the guy from Lost except he frightens me

MerlinIs Naveen the Indian guy?

AlexIs he Indian? Did I do a racism?

MerlinNo, no, no, no. I'm trying to think of what you mean with the eyeliner. You don't mean Jack, the doctor. Oh, you mean the guy from Mission Impossible, Sawyer?

AlexNo, no, no, no.

MerlinSouthern guy?

AlexFuck, no, no. You mean the Korean guy? He was also in The Leftovers, I think, but not in like a big role.

MerlinIt's not Naveen Andrews, the guy who plays Sonny in the Elizabeth Holmes thing. no no anyway guys with eyeliners i i i i support that i support your lifestyle i don't i i don't i don't hate you i hate your decisions about makeup get out of my cat box that's the cat box

Alexis for women oh uh nester carbonell are you talking about uh hugo no that's uh here this

MerlinNestor, that sounds like an artisanal breakfast.

AlexWhat is it, Nestor?

MerlinHey, that's an old movie.

AlexNestor, I don't know.

MerlinAnyway, so, and then you came back from that, but like, let's not, oh, that guy. Yeah, that guy. Yes, he's also in Batman. Really? Wait, that guy was on Lost? No, what was this guy on? This guy was on like news radio, right?

AlexWhat was this guy on? No, I went to Lost to find him. I don't know.

MerlinSo this is here he's in Lost. He played Richard Alpert.

AlexYes, he was one of the others. He was like a leader of the others.

MerlinOh, with the guy with the eyes. Yeah, I got a man on your boat.

AlexYeah, I think.

MerlinYeah, yeah, yeah. He's in Two Darks Night.

AlexOh, he's in a movie that's in pre-production called Triggered.

MerlinI've seen him in something where he's a big deal. He looks really familiar. Ray Donovan. I don't think that show exists.

AlexI could have sworn he was also in The Leftovers, but maybe not. There's just so many good character actors in that.

MerlinOh, my God, that show. Did you write down Ocean's Eleven? Did you write down Station Eleven?

AlexNo, it is genuinely, like, literally on here.

MerlinYeah, you write it in the back of your book. Oh, no, I bet you're not the kind of person who writes in books.

AlexI've grown as a person and now do write in books thank you sometimes they even break the spine

Merlinwe've both grown challenge we can't go to an hour and a half who knows when this wears off I might crash

Alexthat's true

Merlinfootprints Alex we gotta carry each other why'd you pack so much

Alexchallenge was I don't know that bit reference not acknowledged. Oh, because I was

Merlinpretending we were carrying each other. Oh, I see.

AlexIf we were carrying each other, then theoretically

Merlinanything we brought with us would have to be carried too.

AlexYes, I see.

MerlinThere's lots of ways we could handle it. We could check baggage. That's the thing. If you

Alexwere to carry someone, what is Yes. Do you are you like the I guess like what would you call it? Like victory pose or like Ned holding Homer as he walks out of the flames in the house. Are you talking about like a Simba?

MerlinLike you hold the kid up over the...

AlexNo, no. That's a different. That's a Simba grip. Yeah, that's the Simba grip. Sort of a Jesus holding Mary. Or no, Mary holding Jesus. Are you talking about

MerlinPieta? A Pieta?

AlexSure, sure. Google that.

MerlinIt'll be a sculpture of Mary cradling the dying Jesus.

AlexYes. Why don't I know?

MerlinP-I-E-T-A.

AlexDid I just have the, oh, yes. Why don't the fuck, why the fuck don't I know this? Wow, clearly.

MerlinDidn't sync with your purple phone. Still waiting for the Jesus backup to restore. Oh, restore me, Jesus. Fill my memory with your love. I want to poke your sword hole from the skies above.

AlexI mean, I would have wanted to, I would have been a little bit curious. The more I think about that, I would have been the doubting.

Speaker AHey, I don't believe you died.

MerlinOh, Thomas, dude, it's been really a fucking crazy weekend.

Speaker AYeah, yeah, but how would I know if you really died and really didn't die? You undied? How am I going to know?

MerlinDo you want to feel my holes?

Speaker AYeah, I want to feel your hole.

MerlinLet me feel, can I explore your sword hole? People forget about the sword hole.

AlexNo, no, that's what I'm thinking. Oh, right. right yeah that's that's where you get the five wounds that's what that's the initial whereas the

Merlinthe initial was you were like poke poke well okay he's got poke poke and then you get so if you do the like like the way they explain time travel in um in um in uh what's the what's the murph movie murph what is that inner space intolerance what's what's the name of that movie is it intolerance what's the one what's the one with uh with murph you know i'm talking about with the girl in it Matt Damon's in it? What's it called? Inner Space? What's it called?

Interstellar with... Oh, Murph! The dust is your daddy!

AlexUh-huh.

MerlinLike in that one, they explain time travel. It's been used in other places. I saw some, probably Bryce Dallas Howard or possibly Jessica Chastain. Someone explains you fold the paper, you put the pencil through the hole, and that explains the wormhole fold.

AlexRight?

MerlinThat's what they do at Jesus' feet. Yes. So that's two wounds, not one. It might be, you know, one nail, no waiting. That's two. You got the hands.

AlexAnd then you got the sides.

MerlinAnd the thing is, no regular crucifixion, they wouldn't do the hammer of the nails in as much. If you were like those guys on either side of him, the other part of his tripartite triptych, those are the thieves. And those guys just went home later in the day. They just checked their email. They went home and checked their email.

AlexThey didn't die. I'm not going to say that.

MerlinIt's a torture, not a death.

AlexNo, but most of them did die. Jesus got off kind of evil.

MerlinYou can't be responsible for everything, Alex. They're busy. They got to run an empire, build roads, baths, aqueducts.

AlexThe Jews? What?

MerlinRomans have never done anything for us, huh?

AlexOh, God.

MerlinBut people forget about that then on the road, not Damascus, but the road to Joseph's cave hole or from exit pursued by Thomas, right? So Thomas comes up and Thomas says, I want to feel your sword hole. And Jesus says, like, that's your thing. You want to feel my sword hole? Yeah, it's a real sword hole. You are the risen Christ.

It might be Randy from Pee-wee's Playhouse.

Speaker AHey, Pee-wee, can I feel your sword hole? Ice cream soup.

AlexIt actually sounds, oh.

MerlinIt sounds like a lot of, maybe not Scott Farkas exactly, but some kind of a red-haired villain.

AlexIt sounds like Edgar from Dimension 20, which some people will know. Is that anime, Alex? No, Dimension 20 is a live play Dungeons & Dragons show.

MerlinOkay, just make sure you finish Station 11 or Ocean's 11. I forget which it is. Finish that first. Challenge this week was to watch Wellington Paranormal, which is a TV show that my family and I love. It's a spinoff of, I'm sure, I imagine we're going to be talking about this entire extended New Zealand cinematic universe, but it's a spinoff of the, what, 2014 movie, What We Do in the Shadows.

It was 2014?

Speaker AWow.

MerlinI think so. Well, I mean, they were putting it together forever. If you watch any of these videos, like, they talk about, like, writing What We Do in the Shadows and kind of coming back to it every year or something. Anyhow, so the reason I'm just the only context here is, like I said earlier, we're all pretty wound up, especially my kid and me. We're all wound up in this New Zealand world. And people like Taika Waititi and Jemaine Clement and all these people.

And I think this is produced by Jemaine. So Jemaine and Taika do a lot of stuff together. I get the feeling that Taika is kind of the creative, as you like to say. And I think Jemaine's like the producer guy, although they both also do a lot of writing and producing and appearing, you know. And also then Taika, of course, produces things. He makes a show I keep meaning to watch, which is Reservation Dogs. Aside from Taika Waititi, he also did, of course, so many of the great movies.

Jojo Rabbit, which I will not hear a word against. Hunt for the Wilder People. Boy, I haven't seen the shark movie. but I love both Thor movies that he did very very very much and I also will not hear a word against those so this week we watched Wellington Paranormal and I could tell you hadn't watched it I think because when I first when there was still hope for our program last week and I was talking that she was walking the dog and I said something like hey how great is Wellington Paranormal and he said something like I have no

idea what you're talking about

Alexyeah Yeah, yeah. No, he...

MerlinSo just in fairness, as of like Wednesday or Thursday, just saying.

AlexOh, I had actually watched the first one and a half episodes.

MerlinOh, in your solitude, you watched it.

AlexYes. Okay. But I actually... So I did in peanut butter because I watched the first episode and was like, I like this. But then, you know, things were topsy-turvy. And I was like, I'm going to come back to this because I was like, I enjoy this. But I didn't.

MerlinBut it's also, it's a little bit of, I'm not going to put it all the way on the spectrum to the letter Kenny level, but it is a little bit of like, you have to be in the mood for it. There's so many shows like that for me, even like right now, like Reboot. Like, it's not like unique, but I really like it. But like, I have to be in the right mood for it. station 11 which is my current go-to nighttime drama like i really need to be ready to watch this one long episode and pay attention yeah and there's certain kinds of shows where like i know there's a lot of things in life that i didn't like the first time because it just wasn't the

right day for me to be watching it but it's it's a mood show and it's low-key and it's very new

Alexzealand it's very it's weird in new zealand it is i it is not like what we do in the shadows in a good way like it is it is a different vibe and it's very interesting and it does feel like um yeah it has a i i don't know how to describe it like it doesn't have a flight of the concords vibe but it does it has a new zealand vibe i talking about wellington paranormal yeah i'm trying to like figure out what it and again i i liked it and the first episode i was like oh

that's fine um but the did you watch the one with the mobot no no no no i just the first one with the demon that's like jumping between people um and the the second one that had the alien stuff and i realized i might enjoy this more if i had seen like the x-files and stuff because they're

Merlinso oh yeah yeah i mean like the theme song my kid and i disagree about this i really think it sounds like the X-Files. My kid thinks it's

Alexsomething like Doctor Who. I think it's like

Merlina mix. The thing in common with Doctor Who is what some people call Monster of the Week. And I mean, obviously, the thing it has with X-Files is like somebody who's a searcher, you know, in wanting to know about things that are paranormal. But you gotta love his little office, am I right?

AlexOh my God. The department.

MerlinSo this is... And there's people you meet in episode one that become a... Well, not a ton, but like it really mainly is. And so anyway, if y'all haven't watched it, I mean, I can't like categorically recommend it. I just think I happen to think it's delightful. If you're in this cozy New Zealand scene that my family is in, it's real comfort viewing. I mean, like Flight of the Conchords, I think. Did you ever see the Flight of the Conchords with Aziz Ansari from season one, episode two?

AlexOh, sorry. Season one, episode seven.

MerlinThe one with the fruit stand.

AlexYes. Okay.

MerlinPlease remind me of that. I want to talk about that. But I do think it is delightful. And so it's mainly about these two cops who have a very small role in the movie. And like I say, that post, you can be forgiven for not remembering them being in what we do in the shadows of the movie at all.

AlexYeah, I had to go back and watch it. They're very good. See, I did watch the movie again. They are.

MerlinWell, I'm telling you, O'Leary, O'Leary is the secret weapon of that show. Well, Maka too. Well, they're all great. But O'Leary as the, like, credulous explainer of things who's the most, like, important in this documentary feeling of the show. Like the show Cops, you know, that I can't believe I used to watch.

AlexWe all did, though. It was just always on.

MerlinThere's bits that, like, I still quote. I can quote. Oh, my God. You can squeeze my wrist all you want, horror mangas. You ain't gonna get nothing but my money. one time they we had this on our tivo and watch it over and over what you've been drinking because a woman goes snickers bar she goes i was avoiding you anyway google it you can find it it's

Alexreally sad oh i will actually say i think yeah that uh when i started watching this i immediately was like oh they're gonna be assholes because they're cops uh right but then i remember oh it's really different i'm not saying cops in new zealand are bad no they would not be

Merlinintentionally assholes it's mainly problems with their tasers yeah like like they're very they're

Alexthey're i forget that like a lot of cops in other countries are basically like crossing guards and like they have their own problems but like they're just i mean in some ways i mean i i well i haven't

Merlinthought this through but they're more like almost like tow truck drivers where they may not be the nicest person in the world but they are there to help you out yeah you know what i mean they're There's not a tow truck driver who's going to show up and beat the shit out of you and leave you in a ditch or drive you in a police van until you have a concussion.

AlexYeah. And sure, it's also probably because there aren't as many black people around. But the – Well, yeah.

MerlinThey've got a lot of Maori people. But anyway, so it was mainly a springboard, like so many of these things. Sometimes we'll do these things and Billy will be like, you already did that. You've done that thing. I was like, shh. the point of the challenge is not in the old school max days we would have more of like challenging somebody to do something like unpleasant and like now i just i often look at it as a way to talk to you about something i or you or both of us are excited about and i thought this is a fun i thought this is a fun like inroad into the new zealand

Alexuniverse that's that that's what i keep like thinking of this as as now like the the taika is really like how media is produced in New Zealand. And you can almost see the,

like I was thinking about the Lord of the Rings documentary, like making of documentaries. And there's just, you know, like it wasn't made by-

MerlinThere's a lot of very good Lord of the Rings jokes in Flight of the Conchords for what it's worth.

AlexYeah, yeah. And like, it's not like the-

MerlinThey finally have to capitulate and they make, remember this, they make a music video where Murray is Gandalf and they're Sam and Frodo. Oh, God. People know, people, our listeners know what Flight of the Conchords is. People know what that is, right?

AlexI mean, it is a duo, a musical comedy duo that went on to have.

MerlinFrom New Zealand that has moved to New York to make it big in show business. And they're not doing great. And it's two guys who do quirky songs on acoustic guitar. Basically, it's a New Zealand. This is going to be an old reference for most of you, but you'll get this the first time you turn on Fly of the Concords. It's basically a New Zealand version of Tenacious D in a lot of ways.

AlexDown to like the interstitial music. As someone who's like, hmm, on Tenacious D, I would say. I just think it is very different. Can't you fucking kick it one time, you bitch?

Merlinrocket rocket all of my rocket sauce all of my fucking rocket sauce okay oh boy i i was a mr show guy you know i was in that i was i was really mobbed up in that whole rat king of hbo comedy

Alexstars oh my god i didn't see i'm worried like i you know my hbo max q is probably the biggest one well now they're all in my cute my like uh to watch list is all in plex but the biggest one is HBO Max stuff. And I am like, fuck, all this could go away. It just could disappear.

MerlinYeah, HBO Max is low-key my favorite streaming service. If I look at the stuff that's had the biggest impact on me in the last five years, it's almost all HBO Max stuff. And to hear that announcement recently about all the ways they were cutting back, I was like, God, of all the things.

Obviously, I mean, I love stuff like listening to Downstream.

AlexDownload. Downstream. Downstream. Downstream.

MerlinI love listening to them talk about the streaming business. I don't know personally anything about it, but it continues to – the whole streaming business as it evolves so quickly and at such scale, it continues to produce results that I personally find bewildering, which makes sense because it's a new thing, right? But, yeah, I know what you mean. And that's why I downloaded all the Concord stuff just in case that happens. But there's a show I really get into. If it's one of our, like, NBC comedies, you know, the usual, like, Mike Schur, Extended Universe.

I've got all of those downloaded. I've got all of Veep. Like, if I care a lot about the show, I get the highest quality version of the whole thing I can. Because it will. It'll just go away. You never know.

AlexIt's wild that it's – I don't know. Just, like, I'm giving you money because I love the thing. And a lot of, not a lot, but more and more you cannot buy, you can't buy a original or exclusive from iTunes or TV, whatever it's called.

MerlinAnd it's so difficult to find in general. There's a movie from 1986, 7, 8 that I really wanted to watch for years, rewatch. And like it's almost impossible to find anywhere. like it turns out it is now available to buy on prime but it's not it's not in any of the usual places and that just happens all the time and i understand i mean like i understand in the way i need to understand that this is a universe that's foreign to me and you know there's just a million

things about streaming that has always seemed so weird to me um and by weird when it's weird it's usually bad well like for example i mean i've gotten in not arguments but i've gone back and forth with back in the day with andy and not go about this because i i was very much one of those like i've sometimes have been a little more public about my put it out i'll buy it if you don't i'll get it like and that's kind of how i am now there's a lot of stuff where especially if i love it even And if I quote unquote got it, I do still buy it.

Like, I mean, sorry, that's judge me. But like, I think, confess, Fletch is such a stellar example of what should be happening on streaming services. They totally fucked up the release. They totally buried it. Nobody knew that it even existed. And then if they knew it existed, they'd be like, well, I haven't heard anything about this John Hamm movie. So it must be terrible, which is a shame because it's really fucking great and cost like a tenth of other movies. setting aside from him with the John Ham's mensch and like gave up a bunch of his

fee and took back end stuff in exchange so he could have a better budget for this I think sub $20 million movie it's a complete delight it's one of those movies like Game Night or whatever my weird movies for weirdos list where I'm like can I just get one of these movies every month can I just get one of these small brilliantly made exactly for me kind of movies like I don't want to wait two years to see who's going to be Captain America. That's fine. They talked about this on the watch this week.

What's that?

AlexYou know who's going to be the new Deadpool, right?

MerlinOh, I heard they're going to pair back up. Somebody made a funny joke about him being Javert. It's a complicated hat on a hat joke that I thought was funny. I'm Weapon X 24601.

AlexNone but me can intercede.

MerlinThat's stupid.

AlexYeah, that's great.

MerlinBecause, boy, when Deadpool was in that Wolverine movie, it was woof. You probably didn't see that. But Deadpool appeared in one of the bad Wolverine movies, and it was real bad.

AlexI did. And it was Ryan Reynolds. I've only seen the good one.

MerlinThey wasted him. I think he's terrific. I love Deadpool. Again, fine. Whatever. I'm a bad grown-up. I think the Deadpool movies are very funny.

AlexI love them. They are funny. Is that not a popular thing? They are funny.

MerlinBut, like, no, I think it's a thing. you're supposed to go, oh, that's not smart or whatever.

AlexOh, yeah. No, I've heard that.

MerlinBut I'm sorry they wasted him on Deadpool if he could have been Hawkeye. Because he could have been, there's nobody else in the entire universe who should play Hawkeye more than Ryan Reynolds. He's exactly perfect. You put him up next to Jeremy Renner after you've read the first My Life is a Weapon, like after you've read Volume 1 of Hawkeye, tell me Jeremy Renner's better for that role than Ryan Reynolds. Give me a fucking break.

AlexI agree, but hear me out. Rob McElroy.

MerlinOh, wait. Rob with the beard?

AlexYeah.

MerlinOh, Rob McElroy.

AlexNo, Rob McElroy. No, not McElroy. Not the McElroy family.

MerlinYeah, always Sonny.

AlexRob. Fuck, what's his name? I love him.

MerlinRob McElhaney.

AlexMcElhaney. God damn it. There's too many.

MerlinAre your reminders working? Be honest.

Alexoh shout out though uh i know that um you used to like omni focus for some reason yeah no it it um i i have it on like i'm just playing with the beta and those reminders came through no idea why yeah i'm telling you those guys work so freaking hard yeah that's truly oh they're great um so anyway um apple fucked my mental health is the oh fucking tim apple

Merlinfucked it up oh boy well let's wrap this up soon i so that the image that's in the google doc

Alexi don't know i think oh wait yeah what what's the kiwi that you put well so i i think you'll

Merlinsee the wikipedia link in there they did a thing a few years back where they were saying hey everybody submit ideas for a new flag for New Zealand. Oh, yeah. And of course, it has the fern, the beautiful fern, also the same fern that's used on the All Blacks uniforms. And in this case, so it's a picture of a beautiful black flag. And it's not going to be good for the ideas. Let's not make this confusing anymore. Like, only the real heads could eyeball Australia versus New Zealand flags and know the difference, I think. I guess you could solve a lot by just putting the fern on there.

I love the fern. And I love that. That graphical device is so great and so instantly recognizable. And, you know, a lot of the ideas. So people submitted all these ideas. And I think they became public.

AlexI remember this. Yeah. Like from fucking like Hello Internet days. And yeah, no, total. That sounds very Hello Internet.

MerlinBut this is. And so it's a black background with in the upper left sort of you've got the white, you know, the fern that symbolizes New Zealand. and then a kiwi shooting a laser, a green laser, out of its eye. Like, that's a country I could get with.

AlexIt's so good.

MerlinI want to, odds and sods, I want to recommend to you, because I've watched it twice in the last week, so even if you've seen it before, you can handle it again. Not Willing to Paranormal, but Flight of the Conchords S1E7, written and directed by Taika. and it's like it also has a small role in it and it's one where aziz ansari of course they're in new york and all i'll say is aziz ansari is a fruit vendor who's extremely racist toward people from new zealand and it's really funny

and it's like pre parks and rec i mean it's back when he had longer hair and a beard

Alexyeah and he looked well if you see that scene I guess I tried to describe how he looks without

Merlinoh my gosh well we just got up to the well in our multi multi-season rewatch of Our Flag Means Death we just got up to the second to last episode where he Taika loses a very prominent beard

Alexand it's like hey he looks like Taika Waititi

Merlinbecause with a big bushy black beard beard like he does look pretty different

Alexhe's a very attractive attractive man

Merlinhe jokes about it there's several things that Taika so if you look at check out so the link will be called what some delightful Taika Waititi content it's at ungainly.me I could really use the traffic people it helps people discover the show there's so many interviews where there's so many emerging themes about him of course Taika Waititi one thing many people know from Twitter the man can nap anywhere so scroll to the very bottom look for a thread called Taika Nap Titi if you click on that Taika Waititi can sleep fucking anywhere. Psycho Matidi, also, he cares a lot about his craft

and what he does, but he's also hilarious about how, at least publicly, how little research he does about the things, which makes stuff like Jojo Rabbit even funnier.

AlexYes.

MerlinBecause he knows what's going on. But my kid has read that book. I have not. The book upon which it's based. But people who enjoy Jojo Rabbit like I do, you might be amazed how much stuff was not in the book, starting with he doesn't talk to Hitler. in the book.

AlexIt's very different.

MerlinHe said it's much darker. Much darker than the movie.

AlexNot as good.

MerlinOh, but Scarlett Johansson's shoes. Right. So anyway, I would say Fight the Concords S1E. Thank you for doing this. We're running long. I don't want to keep you all day. But I just, I feel like there's this little world. And if you watch some of these videos, you may realize how much stuff you like from these New Zealand weirdos that you didn't even know was like made by them.

AlexAnd they're, they're very productive Hollywood in a good way.

MerlinI would say with, with, I mean, people get mad about him, but he's done fucking two Marvel movies. How crazy is that?

AlexYeah. Like if you've done two, like if, if you're invited back to do a Marvel movie, like things are going well. Like there's a reason Joss Whedon is like, bye-bye.

MerlinI mean, he's like, I know you're still mad. Like, as with me, you're still mad about Edgar Wright and Ant-Man. But like, you know, it's at this point, it really feels like, I don't know. I would just steer clear of that stuff. But then you get like the dude, the director guy who, the famous director guy who's now doing Andor. Have you watched Andor?

AlexNo, no. Put it on your list.

MerlinPut it on your list below. Don't get started yet. You got other stuff to do first. Add Andor to your list.

AlexBut he's a famous director guy. Rogue One, which is, I think, incredibly underwritten. Oh, no, no, no, no, no.

MerlinI'm just saying I didn't realize you had to rewatch that. Is it like a level of like, you got to see Suicide Squad before? Okay.

AlexIt's just a... That's a sad one, right? It's almost like a... It's very sad. I did not know... If you don't know what Rogue One is like about, and because you're like eight years old or something, just go and watch Rogue One right now.

MerlinI love that actress.

AlexIt's so good. I love that droid. Oh, biggest loss.

MerlinYou know, Taika plays a droid on Mandalorian.

AlexWhat?

MerlinWhat? Taika directs an episode of The Mandalorian where he plays, is it an IG-88? He plays like the assassin droid who's trying to protect the child. And also Jason Sudeikis is a stormtrooper in that one.

AlexWhat? What? What? I need to fucking watch this.

MerlinWell, you got other stuff. First, you got to do Our Flag Means Death. You know what we'll do in the after show? You can read me back. I need you to prove to me that you've written all of these down, and I want to know. I want you to start putting a plan.

AlexNo, I just take them from Descript later.

MerlinOnce your reminders have synced up, I want you to make reminders.

AlexI will. You know what? You know what? Oh, shared reminders list there.

MerlinOh, boy. Well, that's like giving the teacher homework, ain't it?

AlexNo, no, no. No, no, no. It is a— You should watch Abbott Elementary.

MerlinDid you write that down?

AlexThat is already—a lot of these are already on the list, but, you know.

MerlinI don't even believe you have a list, Alex. I think at this point you're so weirdly medicated, partially medicated.

AlexI'm fully medicated again. How can you tell? Fortunately. Oh, fuck. Don't like that. Don't like that. No, don't like that.

MerlinNow there's no sets of footprints.

305. My Current Timeline

Show notes

Transcript

305. My Current Timeline

Show notes

Transcript

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