291. Kayfabe and the Blue Wall

AlexMmm, good afternoon. Good late afternoon. Is it actually afternoon where you are? Wait, yes it is. I'm living by Pacific time. Never mind. Good afternoon, Merlin Mann. Good afternoon. I'm sorry. Are you like this all the time? Well, let me put that differently. Are you less like this or more like this when you're not recording a podcast? honestly that is this makes me sound famous and weird but your sentences are undiagrammable

much like your mind okay okay okay okay hey that do you get asked this question a lot that you're like does your energy match that uh in private what are you what is it with you and my energy look no this is a hypothetical question for anyone who's recorded a podcast so everybody but I mean,

Merlinsay it all. I'm not going to interrupt you. Oh no. Go ahead.

AlexIt's like the great Bill Cosby said. It's a bad idea.

MerlinGreat Bill Cosby said about cocaine.

AlexOh, good Lord.

MerlinDid you want to, do you want to take this? Do you need me for this one?

AlexAll women should have it all the time. Do you need me for this one? No, no, please, please continue quoting Bill Cosby.

MerlinHave you ever seen Bill Cosby himself? You sit, you sit there in your goddamn chair and tell me that's not the funniest standup movie you've ever seen.

AlexStand up?

MerlinNo, don't. I don't want to. I hate when you lie. Listen, Bill Cosby said he's talking about the different kinds of drunks, and it's a very funny bit. I'm done pretending Bill Cosby was never funny because he was my favorite comedian my whole life. I'm sorry he did bad things. But the chocolate cake behind you is still very funny. Okay. Now, what Bill Cosby said, and Bill Cosby himself, was he said, you know, people say you take the cocaine and it makes you more like how you are. And I said, yeah, but what if you're an asshole? and i always thought that was funny because that's i think that's true of a lot of drugs

especially with some people who you don't realize how angry some people are until they drink you know what i mean there's some people well let me put this way you don't realize that they seem angry almost all the time and then when they drink it's hard to avoid how angry they are and then conversely when you see them regular life again oh yeah you are a little bit angry all the time. And I think podcasts make you more like how you are eventually, much like Bill Cosby's cocaine title.

No, Spanish fly was his drug of choice. We get the Spanish fly and here it takes the urethra.

Speaker AIsn't he

Alexout of jail now? I don't like that I'm Googling Bill Cosby on this show. He probably wouldn't Google you. Unfortunate. Wait, fortunately.

MerlinWow, you just can't decide where you are The food's terrible and the portions are small You know who said that? Woody Allen The thing I want to say today Is You know what I'm saying? It's like Louis C.K. says I hate deer and I'm always wet down here

AlexLouis C.K.'s show was pretty good

MerlinYeah, Dave Chappelle did that funny thing about Prince playing basketball You remember that? Dave Chappelle did that? You remember? Rick James puts his boots up on the leather couch Luckily enough

AlexI am too, well, was too young to appreciate any comedian. I mean, I didn't even see a Louis C.K. stand up. Wow, this sounds like I'm... My first exposure to Louis C.K. was his show. So when it came out that he liked to diddle himself in front of women without their consent, I was like, oh, that absolutely tracks based on his show. I knew he was creepy before it was cool. I think if you wait long

Merlinenough, everyone will seem as evil as we

Alexhoped. Oh, I don't like that. Oh, you're fine. I still think it shows very good and very sad. You're fine.

MerlinYou want to start over? You want to start over?

AlexNo. No. I'll start over.

MerlinYou're sitting there talking and talking. I'm talking about some real shit, man. I'm talking about doing a straight line of podcast. Cut it up nice for the baby.

Alexwhen did we become a drug podcast? Good Lord. At the. I don't know.

MerlinWhen were you, when were you first medicated? Smart ass. Oh shit. You better be careful today. I think I might be a little bit of a mood.

AlexI think you are.

MerlinI might be in a mood. I might go there this week. You don't,

Alexyou may not want to do that. No, I do. I do.

MerlinOkay. You're ready for one of our once every six weeks. that was the cold opening that was the real show

Alexready

Speaker Ayes

Alexthis is Dubai Friday a weekly challenge podcast with Alex Cox and Merlin Mann this week's challenge watch the film

Merlindo you want me to edit this one

Alexno Oh, no. Do you want to?

MerlinOh, fuck.

Speaker AI fucked this shit up. Are you kidding me?

MerlinI'd leave 98% of it exactly the way it is, and I'd make two to four parts of it almost unlistenable. It's become my joy in life. Roderick on the Lion does not have, I don't think it has a surpassingly large audience, but I hope somebody out there appreciates the occasional music cues.

AlexOh, that's the thing. I can appreciate it.

MerlinYou never know the comment. And I'm totally ganking Lonely Sandwiches bit, but like, of course, but that's, you know, I learned it from watching him.

AlexListen, Mr. Sandwich is an amazing editor. I don't think sudden music cues are his bit. Really? That does a disservice to the sandwich brand.

MerlinOkay.

AlexBut the fun thing about Roderick, I'm a little...

MerlinCan I get half a measure of rest, please?

AlexYes.

MerlinReady? Tighten up, baby

AlexYeah, no, I I'm referencing knowledge

MerlinYou don't consider that a sudden music bit By the way, there's an air horn outside

AlexI'm saying, well, there's an air conditioning To my left I'm on my couch again I don't like podcasting like this Does John Roderick, has he actually recorded from a bathtub? Like, is that a bit?

MerlinI love that you assume I know anything about... I'm going to tell you what I told somebody on Twitter the other day. The less I know about any of my friends' personal lives, the happier I am. And this is what makes me...

AlexThat's a podcast life, though.

MerlinThat is... I said, this is what makes me such a good and manageable friend. Ready to start the show? Fuck it. You guys figure it out. I won't edit anything. You're so goddamn smart. Why would I want to make something funny? What do I know?

AlexNo. No.

MerlinI just want to show you. I want you to look at the adorable thing I sent you that you didn't know what a Caterpillar was. I sent you a picture of the vehicle and look what it says. Please read what it says under the picture of the vehicle.

AlexOkay. Say it out loud.

MerlinI can say it.

AlexScoop, scoop.

Merlini don't know if you can appreciate how cute it is do you see how little it is it is adorable it is adorable i would write i would drive if this were electric and deadly i would drive this all this oh gosh what i sent to alexandra is um some of the construction equipment outside and it's the previously mentioned it's not the big of super um flexible kind of machine that makes the bang bangs. This is a, I think it's called a, it's called a, not a, I don't know, it's called a

scooper. It's like a big, it's very little. It's like the size of a golf cart, except it's got a

Alexscooper on the front and it's so cute. Scoop, scoop. I like to not make fun of, sure, definitely not make fun of, but wonder why people enjoy collecting small things because that seems to be the current thing that's in based on TikTok. You mean like

Merlinregrets or toys?

AlexNo. I'm not even on painkillers today.

MerlinYou should do this week just yourself. I shouldn't even be here.

AlexNo, no, no, no. But I look at this guy and I just, I don't know. I want to, I don't know. Like, it's like looking at a baby tiger. You're like, oh, I want to protect you.

MerlinI was going to say, it's something my kid and I say a lot. And we say this about a lot of different, mostly characters in TV shows and movies. And I say it often about animals I've seen on the internet. And I'll say something like, I just want Coco to be happy right now. And I want to take care of this little scoop scoop. If I had a little one, I'd make sure it's happy. It would be like my, what's it called?

What's it called? What's the little thing you put on a keychain and you take care of it? A man. What? What? A Tamagotchi? Sure. That's the one I'm thinking. That's not the one that was on Letterman. What's the one we have the virtual doll for from Evangelion and Diva Genesis? What's that called? Oh, she – It's a Miko – Miko – Batsmaru.

AlexI love Batsmaru. I love Carol, Carol, Carol.

MerlinBad Batsmaru. Did you ever see the photo of me with Bad Batsmaru?

AlexI feel like I have this memory of it.

MerlinOh, it's very important you see the photo of me with Bad Batsmaru. So Stockton Street near Market, 1990, diggity, late 90s. Me and my friend Michael go to the Sanrio store because we always go to the Sanrio store. And the Sanrio store then became the Disney store. But it used to be the Sanrio store. And it had full-size big head characters of the characters. And as it happened one day, I wouldn't have minded a Peckle. I would not have minded a Kuropi.

But there was a Bad Bats Maroo. And I'm photographed with a Bad Bats Maroo. and had a really bad cold at the time. You want to see the photo? I'll send it to you. So what is it about people collecting men and regrets? What is it?

AlexNo, just seeing them.

MerlinTalk about little tchotchkes on your desk or things you keep mint in box on a shelf.

AlexOh, interesting. Interesting, because that's the thing. I'm not talking about tiny things that just are typically tiny. I am talking about miniatures, like specifically tiny objects that would go in a kitchen. and from what I can tell mostly it's just looked at

Merlinkind of like the Japanese guy who makes tiny food in a tiny kitchen that kind of thing like kawaii kind of stuff is that the right term? that's a term I learned from my kids

AlexI think that's cute things I was called a weeb once but I still don't really know what that means I think it means I really like Pokemon which in that case is true I'm just oh man I miss Sanrio I'm looking at all these

MerlinIsn't he the man from that terrible chat place? Isn't that Weeb?

Speaker AWhat? Weeb? Is it the guy from like 4chan? Isn't that him?

MerlinOr the other place? Oh. Who's Weeb? Isn't Weeb that terrible little man who harasses people? Doesn't matter. You want to start the show?

AlexNo, I know who you're talking about. No, you don't. I would never call you a Weeb.

MerlinThat sounds, I don't even know what it means and it sounds terrible.

AlexOh, someone who narrates who runs to be the first in the lunch line. That's very.

MerlinThat's pretty good. What if you're hungry? Oh, wow. That's very hungriest.

I was going to say a challenge. Come up with new totally context-free insults for people. Maybe tune to our times. You're asking about cute things. You wonder why people have those? I was talking about this on another show recently. And this might be my dipping a Madeleine into tea kind of thing when I remember things like this. But my – go ahead.

AlexI didn't say anything.

MerlinDid you know I was the preeminent Proust scholar in America? Did you know that? Now I'm pushing a VW van. I don't know that. Oh, man. Seriously, I understand why you all canceled everything. This is really bad. But I may have the hose all the way open today. And we've never done that before. Are you watching the boys?

AlexHose all the way open. No, you're the second person to ask me that today. I was told it's very violent.

MerlinA little violent. There's things you don't want to get. Sorry. Hello. Muck, muck.

Speaker AMeep, meep.

MerlinThere's a meep, meep on the scoot, scoot, scoop, scoop. My dad's. Let's see. So how do you put it? There should be a name for this. Put it on the list. of things, things that need a name, is like a family where the whole family is close to the whole family. You know? So it's hard to describe.

Oh. Okay. And, but, you know, they're called a Dutch uncle, which is not a Dutch baby. But like a Dutch uncle, like somebody who might as well be your uncle, my Uncle Bob, and was my dad's best friend. And actually saved my dad's life one time. And, yeah, my dad and Uncle Bob and some of the guys were out fishing and some drunk people hit him in a boat. And my –

Speaker AJesus.

MerlinAnd Uncle Bob picked my dad up by the collar of his fishing suit and pulled him into a boat.

Speaker AOh, Jesus.

MerlinNavy, World War II. And Uncle Bob's family –

Speaker AHoly shit.

MerlinYep, yep, yep, yep, yep. Now I'll tell you a funny fact and don't be creepy. Uncle Bob was married to Aunt Jo. And I don't say aunt. I say aunt. Uncle Bob was married to Aunt Jo. And Aunt Jo was a twin and they had kids, two kids that were twins, which is very unusual. And so, but Tom and Todd were their kids, and I was very close with them, except for the fact that one of them had a very realistic rubber Frankenstein mask. And it scared me so much that I would not enter the home until I knew which room in the house it was hidden in. So I knew not to even go on that floor of the house. Now, a toy that Tom and Todd did have that I envied greatly was that there's a company, and this is not the matchy kind of Corgi, but Corgi as in a company that used to make, like, miniature, detailed, like, cars and toys.

and Tom and Todd had a Corgi James Bond Goldfinger Aston Martin. And it did things. Oh, my God. Like I said, it had to weigh a pound at least. It was all metal and it had an ejector seat. It had the little windshield that comes up in the back. I think it might have had a machine gun. And I envied it so much. Having that thing in my hand made me so happy. And part of it was like the weight of it. It was the size of it. It was the detail of that. It's why I'm very attracted to things that are almost like, I want to say like totemic inception kinds of things.

I like things that are, and I'm not talking here about like douchebag crypto tungsten cubes, but like just shit you have around. That's one reason I polish metal to relax is that I get a nice totem that I can have around. I like a heavy little thing. I also like light little things, but I think a little thing is pleasing. It's nice to have in the hand. What's your theory on little things we collect?

AlexI don't know. There's that, again, Snapple-sounding factoid of, oh, things have big eyes because we want to protect them. The cuter they are.

MerlinThat's why babies, the babies are born with the same size eyes. They'll have their whole life. And it's why puppies are cute. It's why babies are cute. So we won't throw them in a river.

AlexThat seems like a weird thing that someone made up.

MerlinIt does seem like a really like a guy thing from the 50s or 60s. It is my belief that the reason the girl children are not thrown into the Rhine is because of the large eyes.

Speaker AI must protect it.

MerlinWhat country is your guy from?

Speaker AYou know what? Mine is a word for two Americans. Is he from Louis Armstrong?

Speaker BI see skies of blue.

AlexI don't want to spoil our challenge, but fake Randy Newman songs are very funny to me right now.

MerlinOh my God! Is that Randy Newman? Because it came up when I turned to my youngster and said, Hey, that sounds like me making fun of a Randy Newman song when you were a baby.

AlexI don't think it's Randy Newman, but yeah, it's...

Speaker BDon't get hungry. You gotta get noodles cooked. He doesn't like it when they're overcooked. Well, when you're in America, you've got to get some googly eyes off the baseball bat. Hey, isn't that Santa Claus? I think that's Santa Claus. It's before season two of I Think You Should Leave. Hey, what's going on? What's that lady got a dildo on the desk? Now, I'm not sure who he's turning into quite now, but...

AlexChekhov's butt plug. Whoa! Whoa.

MerlinOkay, I found it, found it, found it. This is me in March 1999. And I'm looking a little grizzled. I'm wearing, again, my late father's jacket with a fishing lure on it. And I'm standing next to somebody that you just might recognize.

Look at that.

AlexBloop, bloop, bloop. Oh, my goodness. It's delightful and terrifying.

MerlinDo you agree?

AlexOh, my goodness.

MerlinLook how big he is. He's bigger than me.

AlexIt's so big.

MerlinLook at his yellow feet.

AlexOh, my God. Oh, I don't like this. I don't like this at all.

MerlinAll I know this will be available, I have to guess perhaps, well, I don't want to get over my skis, but this might be show art. There's a picture of me in front of the Sanrio store with Bad Bath Murrow.

AlexOh, my God.

MerlinOh, should we explain what? I'm sorry. God damn it. Should we explain what this is? Okay, so there's a company, I believe a Japanese company. Yeah, Sanrio was extremely well known in the way that for years, if you said Disney, you thought of one character, which is Mickey Mouse. for years. If you knew the name Sanryu and you probably didn't, you definitely knew their best known character, which was

AlexHello Kitty. Hello Kitty, which is a little kitty cat with a bow on. Which sounds creepy now that I've said it. Okay. But like

Merlinhuge bow on her head. But then there was this whole like, so my girl, well, a friend in high school was very I don't know how to say things without sounding like a piece of shit. My primary girlfriend in high school liked Hello Kitty. Kind of ironically and kind of not. Like everything my kid likes. I can't tell if my kid likes Morbius. I think my kid likes and hates Morbius. And I don't want to watch it. But like that, you know, Girlfriend Prime liked Hello Kitty.

Then I had a Leighton period, as Freud said. And then I became aware of it again in the 90s. And that's when they had this whole bunch of characters. Now, Peckle was one of my favorites. Peckle was a duck who had a bad sense of balance, like Lucille No. 2. Yes. Yeah, remember Peckle wanted to be a lifeguard? There's a whole backstory. If you get their stuff, I sought out a lot of things where you could learn more about the backstory of the different characters.

AlexWas this ironic on your part in the 90s?

MerlinI can't even tell anymore.

AlexOkay.

MerlinWell, I still got a Peckle. You know what? I've got a Peckle notebook at my house still, mostly unused in my notebook collection that I got in 1999.

AlexOh.

MerlinYeah.

AlexOh, I just found my very first wallet, and I think it's on eBay. Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

MerlinWhat is it? Who is it? Is it Beth Marou?

AlexNo, no, no. For some reason, my favorite was Carro Carro Carro Carrope. And I don't know.

MerlinThat's the cute frog.

AlexOh, look at him.

Speaker AOh, this is so cute, Alex. Look how cute he is.

AlexOh, and the little puffiness of the wall.

Speaker AI love the puffiness of this.

AlexYeah, why don't we have puffiness anymore? You should get with Roxanna Gonzalez.

MerlinIt's only 28 bucks. Get it. You need a treat. But Bad Bats Maru was a little bit unusual. Like, who does he remind me of? Oh, he reminds me a little bit. Green Day.

AlexSorry. Yeah, he looks like Billy Joe. If Billy Joe Armstrong was a penguin.

MerlinOh, he reminds you of Green Day. He reminds me of the Buzzcocks. And the thing about him is he's a penguin or a puffin. Is he a penguin? He's a penguin, right?

AlexI think he's a penguin.

MerlinHe's a penguin, but he's a little bit. He's not like mean, but he's kind of cranky, right?

AlexYeah, he's an emo penguin. Yeah.

MerlinBut I mean, mostly you call him Bats Maru.

AlexMm-hmm.

MerlinAnd what is Maru? I should know this. Maru is... I should know this from the Japanese pet Twitter.

Speaker AOh, yeah.

MerlinBecause there's Maru and there's... And please, I swear to God, I swear to fucking Christ, if any of you young men contact me about this, I will personally come and deface your anime life pillow. pillow

Speaker Ashut

Merlinshut uh uh harris Harusuka Tamagotchi. Who's the one that was on David Letterman? Who is that? I don't know. Because my kid still knows this person. It's a virtual pop star. It's a very funny scene very late in the run of The Letterman Show where there was a virtual music performance by, I think, a Japanese pop star who is virtual. And apparently now this is officially a thing. And there's just a great moment after they've shown basically a movie of a cartoon. Dave walks up to near where the movie of the cartoon was showing and goes, there she is.

and he's obviously like i don't i have no idea what i'm supposed to do about this but apparently we just showed a movie of a cartoon that's supposed to look real and you buy the cartoons records it's like the archies but 3d wait wait are you talking about uh uh

Alexmiku that's one that's it that's the one that's the one that's the one yeah there's i love her We did a whole promo episode about her back in the day. She's a big, big deal. Was she a promo?

MerlinWow, well, that makes me want to go to sleep forever.

AlexYeah. Okay, cool. Great. David Letterman. How long has she been around?

MerlinI'll just cut ads out of magazines and put them on my face.

AlexI'm a stan.

Speaker AYou don't get it, man. You don't get it, man. This is an ad for a color TV where my eyes should be. I'm leet. scoop scoop

Merlinyou ready to start maybe this is a lost episode i know i'm a lost episode what did i have to tell you show you or ask you i had something for you

Alexyou know this is the show i'm looking at my text messages there's an upsetting factoid about the police doing uh nothing oh i texted you well do you know who that guy is uh no mark joseph stern yes i know him

Merlini started following him because of his appearances on Dahlia Lithwick and Slate the law show

Alexhas he been on Gab Fest

Merlinhe's been on lots of things on Slate but especially he's a lawyer he's a gay lawyer who's very funny and he and Dahlia Lithwick what's the fucking Dahlia Lithwick legal show called what's it called Barrister, Constable, Judge Room I don't know I don't listen to that one she's great she's so great I'll listen to anything that guy's on I normally listen don't get mad at anybody. I don't like it when my special programs have guests. I'm sorry, you guys. I know you've got to keep the marriage fresh and I guess you like, I don't know, have to have other people around to keep

it interesting. But I like it when it's just my people I like, except when certain people aren't. So like, we talked about this.

Speaker AWell, didn't we talk about this with Blank Check?

MerlinWith like, if it's Emily, or if it's J.D. Amato. Like, every J.D. Amato episode is like an event. like JD Amato hands

Alexguests. Or they're Dutch hosts. No, a Dutch host.

MerlinOh, please write that down. But like when JD Amato walks into your UCB studio and hands you an envelope and you won't get to know what's in it until the end of the show, you know something special is about to happen. It's become an event. But generally, I don't accept in the case of that. That guy is one of the, as John Syracuse says, the exception that proves the rule, which is that I love when he's on anything. He's so funny. He's so fast. And I'm sorry if this, I don't mean this, I mean this in a nice way, but he's you know he's he's fun he's not it's not like listening to max's friend on cnn like

this guy's really fun and he's really smart very fast he is i don't want to say he's adorable that

Alexsounds infantilizing but his tweets are very funny well but like if somebody called me adorable i'd

Merlinbe happy but that's probably my sis privilege give us your fucking money.com thank you very much

Speaker Abut

Merlinbut the point is that yeah and it's like okay let me just say before I read you the text of this tweet which it was all I could do not to send this to every fucking person I know and put it on Twitter and comment on Twitter because like I mean have you seen anything in the last little while that's like more in my fucking wheelhouse

Alexno what happened

Merlinoh okay well this is Mark Joseph Stern he says a dog attacked a child at a nearby park today and D.C. police refused to show up. Neighbors called 911 and waited for half an hour but fled when the owner threatened to come back with a gun. I continue to believe that America's, listen to these words, I continue to believe that America's unofficial police strike should be a bigger story.

AlexThat is chilling to me.

MerlinWell, I don't know how much you follow the MPU, but, like, boy, is this ever an issue for me right now. It's like you fucking guys who are like, you want to be heroes you want to be lauded you want to be lifted above all you want to always be thanked for your service and like and like you want everybody to overlook the times you like stood in the parking lot or stood outside the classroom door we got to look overlook all of those things because you know we have to keep our special boys healthy and but like and yet and fucking yet what do you want me to do about it right yep he's still out there he beped horn

three times last night.

AlexNo, the guy lives in front of our house. What do you want me to do about it? See, he's just still there. Yeah, well, Murr. So what if he is threatening your wife and child? I mean, what am I going to do?

MerlinOne of my neighbors had a confrontation with him Tuesday. Yeah, yeah. You can't help but hear it. It's like it's 20 feet away.

AlexAnd like, yeah.

MerlinAnytime the guy walks by his car, not anytime, many times someone walks by his car or parks near him, he starts screaming at them about how they're assaulting him with their car anyway what do you want me to do about it i continue to believe that america's unofficial

Speaker Apolice strike should be a bigger story and look what happened in san francisco with the da right

Alexit worked the system works that is so chill like again chilling like watching that unfold i i i think you were the first person to tell me about it but oh god i i was not always i'm not

Merlingoing to say this is always a thousand percent in good faith but i'll admit that it did leaven the story at least a little bit to know i feel like a real punk to even say this but there are a lot of a lot of people of asian background in san francisco are legit really fucking scared about being harmed on the street because like it does happen um what most people are mad about is like car breaks break-ins burglaries stuff like that it's not like somebody's going wow you know crime in Bayview Hunter's point is really high.

I hope the blacks are safe. It's not. It's that like, I can't believe I can park in Pack Heights and somebody breaks into my Tesla. That's the kind of stuff we're talking about. But, and then we have to always say that like so much of that recall effort came straight out of like libertarian Silicon Valley. And though the part that leavens it and makes it so I want to shut my fucking pie hole is like semi good faith efforts from Asian people who are like, I think it's mainly just people are fucking mad and they need to have the lottery go down. And they need somebody that they can put this all on.

And this poor bastard whose parents were in the weather underground and was raised by radicals in Illinois while his parents were in prison, like he realized the carceral system in America is fucked and tried to do something about it, which we all agreed was a good idea five years ago. And like now those particular chickens have come home to roost and people are like, no, no, no, you lost the lottery today. Oh, God. Anyway, but like, okay, so here's another thing. The thing about Merlin 2022 service release three is that like I don't just randomly retweet shit that reaches to my level of confirmation bias generally.

Because, I mean, look at that adorable horse that wouldn't get up every time it wants to be ridden. Turned out to be a stock photo, right? I know that most stories are too good to be true or as the journalists like to say, half jokingly, too good to check. But I trust this guy. He's really smart. But the main point, the point of this is not so much the, oh, my God. I mean, obviously, I feel terrible for anybody and their kid who gets hurt at all. But it was that last sentence. It's like the last sentence of that is the part to really notice is like, anybody else notice? It seems like the cops really kind of aren't doing anything except not showing up.

And you know what? Go take that template and lay that over anything, whether it's Uvalde or a parking space in front of my house. And the pattern is extremely similar, which is like we have given. almost unlimited power. Because remember, you mostly can't sue cops over shit they do. There's a term for that that Delia Lithwick knows and I've forgotten. Something, what's it called? Do you know that term?

AlexYeah, I don't know. Fuck, fuck, yeah.

MerlinIt'll come back to me. But the enhanced interrogation, what's it called? Use your illusion. I forget what it's called, but there's a name for it, which is that you can't generally sue executive branch enforcers of law um well no well isn't that it didn't how did the three arms of the uh of the u.s system get

Alexexplained judicial legislative and executive legislative makes the laws judicial decides

Merlinthe laws and executive enforces the laws are you talking about i'm talking about in general the police are generally considered it doesn't matter the point is they don't get to make the law. They don't get to decide the law. They get to enforce the law. And part of enforcing the law is following the law and how you enforce the law. And I think we've lost a little bit of the thread about how there was a time when we expected to hold police and all law enforcement people to a higher standard, a phrase we all learned during the Clinton administration, the appearance of

impropriety. You not only have to, you have to only not do things that aren't inappropriate, you have to also avoid the appearance of impropriety you have to be above and beyond it's like being a black woman like act like a black woman act like you have to work so much

Alexharder than everybody else to get 50 percent one two steps forward one step behind is a phrase my

Merlinfriend taught me yeah but i mean and it's now that i am on this probably not very smart or self-preserving public terror about how frustrated i am with a lot of things related to the police it's like when I reached the point where I felt like hey you know I'm a middle class middle-aged white guy and I have to have I feel like I need to have I don't I'm not trying to steal valor I don't need to hate have the same kind of talk that you know single black moms of two black boys have

to have but I've had the talk with my kid like don't assume that any of those people are here to help you all I ever heard my entire life was how they're there to help you now I just think about 13 oh yeah i just think about 13 grown men standing outside of that classroom and saying well

Alexit's probably all over anyway are you fucking kidding me the okay this is interesting

Merlinbe i this is i i guess that even my dad's other best friend was uh was a very high level cop in

Alexcincinnati huh even growing up middle class in a mostly white neighborhood even we were like or told don't run from the cops it's not their job to help you oh that's a very new idea amongst white people really huh maybe it honestly maybe it's because our parents were smarter your polish

Merlinillinois family told you to be careful so the cops don't hurt you yeah well not that they would

Alexthey said they weren't they're not there to help you like because they're they're not uh so i i

Merlindon't know that is very i mean i can't speak for america but that seems very ahead of its time that's not an idea i fully encompassed until like the or fully absorbed until the last probably

Alexfive years i mean in in for me i think it really really hit home in when the um i was in high school when i think i was in high school when the supreme court decision came down that like under constitutionally cops do not have to protect you and it was like oh oh right and i found out that the uh cop that helps us this is this makes no sense okay so my qualified high school there we go yes qualified immunity um our catholic high school was by a they built a major

road by it and it obstructed the way because of course it was road it obstructed the way to like safely get to our school parking lot so there was a cop there every day to literally every day to help um even on weekends to help students cross the street and then i later learned that the cop was being paid by the school i'm like wait a second wait a second like are we doing that already get hired as private security all the time yeah it was insane like ah yeah so i think

Maybe it was just my outer experience. And honestly, now that I'm thinking of it, probably the middle classness, my parents knowing a lot of lawyers and just knowing like, oh, yeah, we know the deal of like what's actually going to happen.

MerlinThis is not this is not feigned surprise. That's really that's very extremely cool to hear. But I think I made a joke earlier about Mao. Do you know the thing that was said about, you know, during the Cultural Revolution, the Great Leap Forward? The story went, at least the story as it went around in America, and I don't have a citation. Please don't email me. But the reference is that in Mao's time, they didn't want to waste bullets. So they'd find ways to kill dissidents, like maybe just let them starve to death. It doesn't cost anything. Oh, fuck. But if they did shoot you, the story went that they would send a very prominent bill for the bullet to the widow.

AlexOh, fuck. Oh, shit. Wait. Oh.

MerlinAnd that is whether or not that was always – if that ever happened once. The point is, things become a cliche because they resonate with something in life. And there was a time when that resonated with our idea of how brutal and Stalinist Maoist China was at the time. But it resonates in a very sad way today, which is like, think about what people have to pay to be in jail. Think about what you pay in order to be able to pay your parking tickets, right?

Like those stories, there's a crazy fucking story from the last year about in Missouri, was it? That speed trap town. We talked about this, right? Where there was that town. Yeah, I think so. Yeah, it was. I'll try to find it for notes. But think about like if you want to talk to your family while you're even being held, like before you're charged. You don't give free phone calls. You don't give visits. You have to like in a lot of cases pay to be on like shitty Skype at very usurious fees. I mean, there's all of that kind of stuff.

But now we get into like, oh, plus, you know, you can hire these cops to be bouncers at your bar. You have to pay this fee if you want to have this street fair because you have to – oh, because guess what? We can't give you this permit until you pay for the police that you would need, et cetera, et cetera, et cetera. And I admit that I have way – gone way beyond the line of thinking everything is related to where I have some kind of Uber confirmation bias now where it's becoming difficult for me to – At this point now, I do feel genuinely sorry for the people I meet that are cops that are obviously not a total piece of shit.

Because there's kind of this part of me, and I don't know Godwin's law here, but like there's certain lines of work that you really oughtn't go into even with a good heart. Where you ask yourself, like, I would have a lot more admiration for a pro wrestler than a cop because they know kayfabe is like why that exists. kayfabe and the blue wall are the same thing except one is deadly and the other is hilarious

Alexoh god that's good too long for a title but Jesus

Merlinno I got nothing kayfabe blue I got nothing

Alexit just makes me

Speaker Aso sad and I fucking hate it and it's like

MerlinI don't know I can't be ground down by everything that comes along but anybody who thinks who might wonder whether I have some imperious idea that I can cut myself off from reality and current affairs and just go sit and enjoy polishing my metal. I've got more demon dogs than I can afford to feed. And a lot of it right now does come down to this willful abuse of authority, willful abuse of trust, the willful abuse of power that is happening in plain sight everywhere. and it's just that America has always loved a strong man

more than they've ever wanted to admit.

AlexI don't know if it's an abuse of power when you have that power. No, strong man won more.

MerlinStrong man as in Stalin. Not strong man as in Arnold Schwarzenegger.

AlexOh, yeah.

MerlinThey want an angry daddy that fixes their problems and then says, I love you. And it's exactly what they're getting through from a lot of these fucking shows.

AlexI am very surprised that this is maybe not a new idea to you, but like something. Just the idea that most cops are bad and that cops are just not, especially like living in San Francisco.

MerlinWhy does that surprise you? I was white in Ohio and I was still white in Florida.

AlexWell, you've lived in San Francisco a really long time. I'm realizing also now that Chicago also is what, I mean, probably my parents working in Chicago.

MerlinIf you say a word against Mayor Daley, I'm going to be so goddamn mad.

AlexOh, my God. I'm not saying, well, he did sell the rice.

MerlinOh, my God. Are you turning into Twitter? Oh, my God.

AlexListen.

Speaker BWell, actually.

AlexSelling the rice of parking.

Speaker BI'm assuming that this is the opposite of what you're saying, but so.

MerlinYou don't like rap music? Yes, I hate rap music. Yes, that's exactly right. It's nothing I ever say is a joke. Just always assume that I'm stupid and don't understand that yet. Fucking idiot.

Don't let me go Cyrano on you. I will compose like a villanelle while I beat your ass in front of your friend. I'll do it. I'll do it. I only let myself do it like once a month and you never notice it. But I could you would be served and eaten on a brioche before you'd even realize you felt a cut.

AlexI can't imagine if you had turned out like a bully, it would be a dark. Oh, the Internet would be.

MerlinOh, you guys are really lucky that I drank so much Coke as a kid. I mean, I probably should have sugar diabetes at this point. But like if I were any stronger than I am now, you think I'm insufferable now? Wait till I'm so heavy and ripped that you can't get me out of your house.

It's Merlin's house now.

AlexWell, now you would have an Instagram post with you really buff saying, but don't look at me. Don't think I plot.

MerlinIt would begin like this. My favorite way to begin anything on the Internet. Ready? So, you know that? Yeah. Could everybody please stop doing that? So, I guess this is Merlin's house now. and blurry picture of me like eating all the furniture.

Speaker AIs that a kraken?

MerlinNo, it's that guy who used to have that website about folders. Is he a velociraptor? We can't tell. He moves so fast and he's so mean.

Speaker AI don't like this branch of reality. Oh, shit.

MerlinIs it that reverse? Did you just go there?

AlexI did. I did indeed.

MerlinDid you believe it? And listen, listen, listen, Todd. Joe, everybody, I'm just saying, when they say that the chair going backwards is practical, did that fucking blow your mind?

AlexI haven't finished the whole commentary. Did I hear that? A practical effect? Wait, what?

MerlinI love the, first of all, the Daniels. We'll talk about this in a second, everybody. Be quiet. They're going up to talking. Oh, my God. I love the Daniels. I could not love the Daniels. The only people I love more than the Daniels are James Hong and Jamie Lee Curtis. I love the Daniels.

Speaker AOh. So one of the Daniels is the guy with the ball gag getting spanked on the desk.

MerlinThat's a Daniel, right?

Speaker AYeah. Holy shit. Oh, my fucking God.

MerlinWell, let's not go to spoilers just yet. How long have we been going? Oh, fuck me. 42 minutes? Oh, no. And listen, if you start doing a thing where you release parts that were recorded before I was here, Velociraptor into your home.

AlexI haven't ever done that. I did it once. One time.

MerlinDid you ever see Cyrano?

AlexOne time.

MerlinDid you ever see Cyrano with, with, with, with, not Roxanne.

AlexWith Lannister. No, not with Lannister,

Merlinbut with the old one with Jose Ferrer.

AlexNo.

MerlinOkay. After show. Go to Dubai Friday. Oh, sorry. Oh God. Oh no.

AlexYou gave it to me. Patreon.com slash Dubai Friday.

MerlinAnd we will watch the, my, I'll say a top 10 might even be a top 5 one of my all time favorite scenes from a movie ever which is Jose Ferrer in the theater having let's just say having a duel in the movie Cyrano and I think about it constantly hey everybody to answer while Alex is doing that to answer Alex's earlier question sometimes I get a little bit full of beans sometimes I have a good night's sleep or a bad night's sleep but mostly I'm how I am and that's bad for both of us but I am how I am but I said something

to my wife the other day I said to her I said I said, listen, I'm really glad you don't listen to my programs. I said, the downside of that is you, I can't, it's not an easy way to tell you a lot of things about myself that you don't know, which is a very strange thing to say to the person one lives with. But like, I'm always trying. I said, I mean, I'll always be obvious, but I am always trying. And even when I, or even or especially when I don't succeed, I continue to try. So I want to be a good person. But sometimes one feels like one's losing one's mind a little bit.

And maybe that's the healthiest thing you can be. Page two. Alex has left the program. I'm imagining that they're hobbling around. Alex had sent me a picture of an assistive mobility device. One of those adorable little scoot-scoots that you put your busted-ass leg on. You know? So maybe right now they're scooting from place to place, changing a pop filter, maybe adjusting an AR. maybe getting a brioche.

AlexI don't know if this is a bit.

Speaker AI'm going to have to text you right now.

MerlinI don't know if this is a bit. I can hear Alex. I can hear Alex very far away. You know, it's very far away, but off mic.

AlexOh, that's because I put my microphone down because I didn't know it was a bit. So I started looking for other potential problems. I'm using my AirPods and I made the mistake of...

MerlinWhat is happening? Why did that whole thing just happen? Why did you go away?

AlexOh, because my AirPod, I adjusted the cup on my AirPods.

MerlinYou just do that. Do you know you just do that sometimes? You know, one time on this program, you stopped talking for a minute, and then you started doing things for another project, and then you came back and started recording openings for this show while we were recording the program. Do you remember that? No. Okay, so just so you know what it's like. Everybody, please. Okay, stand by.

And here's me. Okay. And then I hear it.

Speaker AThis is Dubai Friday, a weekend challenge.

Merlinthis is Dubai Friday this is Dubai Friday

Speaker Aand here's me Alex Alex Alex Alex Alex

MerlinAlex I don't want to make this about me but Alex do you know that I'm still here do you know that we're still recording do you know that everyone in my life is getting closer to dying every second as you do this Alex Alex you are my Wednesday I will always be here for you as long as you'll have me but Alex

Speaker Athis is Dubai Friday Are you back now, bud?

AlexI don't remember that, but yes, I adjusted my AirPod and all hell broke loose. But now I'm back.

MerlinI'm back. You know, the AirPod does have, only I probably would ever phrase this as a problem, but it has a similar problem to the iPhone. and we talked about this two, three weeks ago, which is like, I love the fact that my entire front surface of the iPhone is a button or can be a button. Really, think about it. It's just millions of buttons, really, except when I don't want it to be. Like when I forget it's still on and I go to grab it and I'm like, ah, this whole thing's a button. Ah. And I run into that all the time with my AirPods, where I errantly let it know that it thinks that because my thumb touched

some part of the AirPod, it thinks that it's playing and I don't know. I think I got weird ears. Are you back, Alex? Is everything okay? Have you been inoculated? Yes, I've been back. Have you read some kind of a medicinal? What's happening with you?

AlexI've been back for a long while. Wait, I think I time-stimped it. Yes, I've been back for two minutes now. Yes, here I am.

MerlinYeah, but what are you doing? What's happening? What show is this? Do you even know where you are? What do you...

AlexYes. Do I sound different?

MerlinI'm very present. All right. I sound like what? You sound like you.

Speaker AOh, good. Good. Good. Hooray.

MerlinIt's a Tuesday Friday. A weekly challenge, Paul.

AlexOne time. One time. One time. One time.

MerlinYou know, you're always saying I try to kill you in your sleep. I did it one time. One time that you caught me. One time. You always make a big deal about how I quote unquote shit in your quote unquote underwear drawer. I did it one time.

Was it associated with the company picnic where I punched the boss's wife in the face? One time. Hey, I guess we should cut to spoilers soon. Let me see if there's anything else in here to talk to you about. Oh, so anyway, the video I want to show you is Cyrano. And then what else do I have in here? I don't think we have anything of surpassing importance to talk about. Clicking on the dock. Clicking on the dock.

AlexI will say that unlike a lot of movies that I watch over and over and over, and I think this is in the after show last week, but this is, I think, a movie. We're talking about the movie Everything, Everywhere, All at Once. Yes, it is a movie that I think is for everybody. I think anyone can enjoy this movie. Anyone or anything with a soul can enjoy this movie, hopefully.

MerlinYeah, I mean, I almost feel like I should – what's the word I'm looking for? I should – I like the thing, the reason that Clarence Thomas shouldn't be on the Supreme Court. He's incompetent? No, because of Ginny Thomas? What do you call it? We say, I'm going to, what's the word for I need to dip on this one because there could be an appearance of impropriety, right? There's a name for this. What is the name for something, oh, my God, I went to college, admittedly in Florida. But what's the name for when you, I need to recuse?

AlexOkay. Oh, wow. I thought it was going to be a really complicated word. I apologize. Go on.

Speaker AThis is Dubai Friday, a weekly challenge podcast.

MerlinI should probably recuse myself because a concept I finally at length explained to my kid is my concept of what I'm calling the gimme. And I have not come up with a better name for this. It's something I've needed a name for for a long time, which is the gimme. And what's a gimme? A gimme is like almost everything in the world that I like or don't like or whatever, like, yeah, you got an opinion about. There's just some things in life that like, you know what? For me, the classic example is always the Smiths. Another example might be the movie Synecdoche, New York. There are certain kinds of things in life where I'm like, you know what?

I'm just going to make the T symbol with my hands. I'm just going to call timeout. I'm going to say, sorry, I'm a koi koi. I'm calling gimme. I'm calling gimme on this. And a gimme is when you're just going to – I hope you don't expect me to argue about this. I hope you don't expect me to defend this. Because this is a gimme, you have to stop and not expect me to defend or sell you on this. Like if you don't like the Smiths, we'll both be fine. but like if you don't like heaven knows i'm miserable now i'm not even mad about it i understand i can laugh at jokes about the smiths i can laugh at jokes and i do laugh at jokes about

podcasting as an industry or as an interest like i there's all kinds of things like i have a surprisingly good sense of humor about i have a sense of humor about all these things but no matter how much you make fun of me i'm still gonna really like this thing i need to jenny thomas myself out of this one because i like this movie i like this movie too much i i couldn't even get It's not possible. I could not, well, I couldn't even get into a good fight about this movie. There's movies, there's those movies and like, again, something that needs a name. One of the first times I realized this needs a name is Game Night, where I'm like, hey,

look, Game Night might not be your thing. I just want, if I could get a movie like Game Night once a month for the rest of my life, I could almost promise you I would be happy. If I could get a movie like Hot Fuzz, if I could get a movie like Into the Spider-Verse,

Alexyou know oh god and to me you're naming movies that again everybody should like i'm all right i will i will recuse this i just mean it okay do you know how do you know what rating on letterboxd

Merlinand it's not letterboxd do you know the letterboxd rating that john syracuse gave to predestination

Alexoh i but the thing is i can understand that like i really is it almost like it's a gimme

Merlinbecause if you give predestination if you give predestination two and a half stars you're just going to have to allow me a gimme on that one because you're wrong and I don't have the energy to even argue with you about the mind bending nature of predestination and if you don't like it that's okay you know but in some ways this movie made me feel we're talking here about the movie by the Daniels called Everything Everywhere At Once what are you worried about what are you thinking about right now and what does he say thinking about everything but um like and i i don't like to over lionize this period but it was a sweet time when my wife

was pregnant with what would uh become our kid and we watched a lot of tv and we watched the wire and went all the way around the horn at least two times including season five like we watched all the wire all the way through i um i i figured i had a i had hoped anyway that the first time my kid ever heard way down in the hole that there would be some kind of primal reaction because in utero my kid had heard the theme from the wires so many times but we had formerly and i know this is all twice told tales but like we we you know we're like a normal white

family in california and like we watched like all the different laws and orders we'd always enjoyed those i watched the law and order since christ was a corporal i watched it since the you know lenny briscoe days i watched it since the george desunda days i loved all the laws and orders and And then the funny thing, number one, of course, was that it got to where Matt and I could not watch Special Victims Unit because when she was pregnant.

AlexOh, interesting.

MerlinYou know the thing about like my ex's mom could not stand the smell of meat being cooked like when she was pregnant? Like pregnant people sometimes have very unusual sensory feelings. And that leads you to things like – and that same woman, my ex's mom, there's a really wonderful dish in Georgia called Brunswick stew, which is really delicious kind of a goulash. And every Sunday she made her husband go out and get her a quart of Brunswick stew and she'd always eat the entire thing and she'd always throw up. But no, your body does weird things, unusual things.

I don't know why, but, you know, oh, I'm craving a pickle. We couldn't watch Law & Order anymore is the point. We started, we'd been watching The Wire, but then we went all in.

AlexWait, do you think that could have been because it's like this is mostly a show about kids?

MerlinOh, sorry. I should have said that's exactly why Olivia

Speaker Afavorite episode Olivia I'm here alone Olivia

Merlindo you remember that one little girl Olivia

AlexI mean that's most of them a child in danger

Merlinoh my god the best episode of SVU is when there's the girl little girl on the phone can you describe the surroundings to me honey Olivia it's classic But no, you nailed it. Exactly. I'm sorry. I guess I thought that was implicit. No. There's too much shot of salt on that show. Bad stuff happening to kids. And we both got really squicked out by it. Concomitantly, we're watching The Wire. And we watched The Wire. That's all we watched was four.

Speaker AIt was like three to six episodes of The Wire a night.

MerlinI think we very rarely watched fewer than like two. Just again, back to back, all the way through. Getting furniture through the door. All the stuff. And like, oh my God, Omar coming. And like just, oh my God, the fucking show. and you have to pay attention to the show the whole time. But then a funny thing happened, which is when we went back at some point and turned on Law & Order, the thing that used to, and we're not dumb, but the thing that used to be such a comfort and such a joy about Law & Order, which is the law and the order.

Speaker AAnd if you see somebody,

MerlinMerlin's Law & Order rule number one, if you see someone who was better known as a celebrity 15 years ago, they're either the murderer or not the murderer. If they're too early in the episode, they're not the murderer. But if they come in closer to the order half, like that's almost, hey, that's Leif Erickson. He totally did it. Or like, sorry, not Leif Erickson, Leif Garrett. Or that's, you know, or that's Rick Springfield. Or that's, oh shit, there's one with the guy from Cabaret. That's Joel Grey. You know Joel Grey totally did it.

AlexOh, yeah.

MerlinRemember Joel Grey?

AlexRobin Williams did it one time. Robin Williams episode.

MerlinI might go to the mattresses on that being the best Law & Order episode. It's a very good one. I think you won an Emmy for it.

AlexOh, it's good. I think because of it.

MerlinIt's real. But, and I'm not trying to be a snob here. I'm trying to, this is the exception that proves John Syracuse. Which is that after watching Nothing But The Wire for a while, not least because the style is so different. Not least because you find yourself having to go bloop, bloop, bloop through commercials. When we would go back and watch Any Law and Order, which had previously been one of my primary comfort shows. Even though, and again, admittedly, I know the point of the show. But the reason it's comfort viewing is because it's so predictable. It's like watching hotel hell. Like, you know exactly what's going to happen. Oh, and now, now's that point at like minute 48 where the owner seems to be having a relapse into their old habits.

And Gordon's got to talk them out of keeping their junk and all that shit. Same thing. It was unavoidable to look at this and go, oh my God, this is so much less satisfying on every level. And that's why I continue to say to this day that shows not just The Wire, but shows like The Wire can tend to curdle a lot of your previous things you enjoyed because it's not forcing you to be smart about it all the time. It's not forcing you to pay attention to every cubic inch of it.

And then when you go from watching The Wire to watching a very good show like Law & Order, you're like, hmm, yeah. I mean, it's kind of like, you know, you used to have rice and now you're eating a box, you know. And I think this movie's already doing that. This movie's like this. Really? Movies like things by Edgar. Well, no, just in the sense that, like, I love being challenged by a movie. I mean, I love being, this movie has it all. It thrills. It chills. It gives you feelings. I sob in the last act of this movie.

But also, did you notice the way she kicked the little stool under? I mean, I noticed that the first time. well maybe other people didn't because they're looking at their phones but like if you did you notice all the googly eyes did you notice all i mean did you notice the adding machine i sound

Alexlike such a prick yeah yeah yeah yeah i didn't notice the two black hole the two bagels at the very beginning and i sent you the i was watching my tv i'm like ah well did you see oh by the way

Merlinoh god have i ever got i almost got a pre-recorded statement that i have to play but boy have i ever gotten something I have been forced to say on this program. Not yet. But anyway, and did you see my image with the bagel? Did you see the image I made? The little video I made. Crossed us all between the black bagel and the eyeball.

AlexNo, no. Where is this? Oh, it was on the internet. I'm not mostly off Twitter. Please stop talking about Twitter.

MerlinSo here's the thing. I come out, I sit there with the lights off and either I'm playing on the good speakers or I'm listening on the good headphones because nobody else in my family will let me have good sound and you watch this movie and then like you go watch almost anything else and you're like you're i'm still so giddy i'm still full of mental adrenaline emotional adrenaline then i'm just like nothing else i'm gonna have to start like jumping off i'm gonna start have to like climbing free soloing to get the same thrill as when i was watching this movie and there was there was a period i think i told you this last

week where I, in our household, there had been, I think, five and a half viewings of that film in 24 hours, where I had watched it twice all the way through. Kid watched it twice all the way through. And I think we even got mom to watch some of it one time before I finally made her sit down and please watch this. But like, I, that movie's all I want to think about right now. And it's, I guess what I'm trying to say is, goddamn, what a job. It's so exciting when I, you could be as feeble and aged as I am and something comes along that is so thrilling so good

at delighting and dazzling you about at all the things that you love being dazzled about you know it's a good kung fu movie it's it's a very well written movie the production design is like where do you even begin with the production design and I'm not hey listen this is one of my gimme's guys I'm not trying to sell you on anything I could give a shit one way or another whether you actually like it I don't need you to like this what I'm saying is if I hope you get a movie like this this year because this is one of those like once every

Alexfive years movies for me did you like it oh my god are you getting I'm just it's on repeat in uh well because of I don't know if you heard it is once again spending a lot of time in hospitals uh the reception not great I have watched this on our tv three times and on my phone four times because it's just it's so good and it never it doesn't it doesn't get stale does it oh no not at all much like i think all of the daniels work like i i have not seen should

i see swiss army men yeah i i got it should i see it you might be disappointed in uh uh i mean the

Merlinscale is obviously much much smaller but it's got it's got duane right it's got harry potter and

Alexyes and it's you can see them becoming the directors that um like the the you can see how they're building to everything everywhere all at once but what made me a little bit disappointed with uh swiss army man is that they kind of follow the rules which i understand like it's your first feature film of course right um whereas everything everywhere all at once really embraces the wacky style they developed during doing commercials but especially doing music videos

Merlini don't know anything about these guys and on top of it all because they they these the the so there's two men two two men whose first name is daniel and the way they credit themselves usually is as the daniels but they do have actual names but because they both came on my radar screen screen maybe within like the same month i constantly confuse them with robert acres in my head and there's a time where I thought

Speaker Aoh are they the guys that did The Lighthouse it's like no they didn't do The Lighthouse

Merlinit's like that movie's really good what about the one where Willem Dafoe is a voodoo man in a cave is that Robert Eggers or is that the Daniels have you seen Northmen have you seen that

AlexI fell asleep what a weird goddamn movie

Merlinand you see that happening commercials I have so much more to learn about these guys um okay so let's let's cross the t you know what i had a realization about vacations did you get

Alexan email from me this week about podcasts and i quote oh my god matt i am so happy merlin's not

Merlingoing to record a show oh so did you were you able to get that did you were able to read that email and and think to myself i wonder if merlin will mention this because this seems like it's part of

Alexhis vacation felt in shong oh no actually i thought you weren't going to talk about it because

Merlinit sounded like you weren't going to make the vacation about work well we could we could we could do this in the after show but i know sometimes you like the little glimpses into the like the sometimes the stuff and like it wasn't document stuff like in this case like remember my thing about like start acting like you're on vacation before you're on vacation yes now my new one and i'll mention this and then we'll talk about the film everything everywhere all at once you know what i realized i woke up and i says to myself i says you know i could do that should I always do where I like run around and play, play three-dimensional tile puzzle with

my friends about quote unquote rescheduling work. And I said, or what if instead, fuck it. I don't want to have work to make up. And I have the ability to say to my friends, Hey, I want to skip an episode. Why don't you skip an episode? I want to skip an episode because every vacation better if it isn't preceded or followed by a bunch of makeup work.

AlexI agree.

MerlinThink about how many times. Like, you could work forever to be able to leave on Friday for a weekend trip, right? Like, I mean, you know, it's like closets. Work will always exceed the amount of time we have, especially when you're trying to do work before it's work yet. And like, have you contacted everybody? You got your out-of-office reply. Oh, did you do all the things? Did you call the gardener? Like all that shit where you're like fucking running around in like –

Speaker Athat can be fun because that can feel like a quickening.

MerlinOh, my God, finally we get to go on our skiing trip and I won't have to worry about anything. I need to cross my T's and dot my I's. But Chicken Project, man. I fucking – I just – I wrote to all of my podcast co-hosts and I BCC'd everybody. And I said, hey, I'm not going to be available to record this one week. um vacations are better when you don't have to make up before or after with work can we just not do an episode that week if it's okay to not do an episode that week no need to reply if it's not okay to not do an episode hit me up and that's it i don't i i want my vacation to

begin before i begin and i want my vacation because i need to practice it because i am menaced with all of my various demon dogs and if i could just cancel a whole bunch of shit rather than trying to play that game of saying, oh, well, now I'm a good boy because I rescheduled stuff that I could have just canceled. That's crazy. How's that different from the procrastination bullshit of like, I'm going to keep this on my list because I don't feel bad enough about it yet.

AlexI mean, oh, fuck. I did not think of it in that angle. Oh, fuck. That's upsetting. Oh, oh, no. I don't like that this.

MerlinWhy, which part? Tell me, tell me, tell me. I love your emotions. What?

AlexThe idea that basically doing more work is just as bad, if not, well now in my brain if not worse than procrastination because you haven't made

Merlinyourself into a maniac yet if you haven't made yourself into a maniac you're not done isn't that part of your isn't that part of your isn't that well i'll speak for myself that's part of my my demon dog thing is like i feel like a retriever that can't go to sleep until he's almost had a heart attack like i have to run so hard i won't be able to relax i won't be able to love myself and my time until I have, I can legitimately say that I'm sad and exhausted. So I don't deserve this time away, but I guess I have to because now I might as well be in an

institution. And I've done that. I've done that my entire working life.

AlexIf you're relaxed and happy, you're abusing your privilege. That's fact. It's not negotiable.

MerlinI mean, it's kind of like saying like, you know, oh my gosh, you know, you already have a house. Do you really need to have a door with a lock, too? Isn't that a little much? It's like, yeah, I guess it is.

AlexOh, yeah, I guess.

MerlinYou know, yeah, I guess. You really should just keep it up. I can always call the cops. It'll be fine. Yeah, they'll come out. What do you want me to do?

AlexYeah.

MerlinDiggit, digit, digit, digit, digit, digit, digit, digit challenge.

AlexOh, this week's challenge. I think in the after show I said, I just want to do everything everywhere all at once. And that was what the challenge was.

MerlinYeah, I didn't figure out while we were recording that we'd already chosen the challenge until you told me we had. And I was like, well, A, I love a challenge where I don't have to do anything.

Speaker AThis was a gimme.

MerlinI like one where it's a gimme. I like one where I don't have to do anything. And also, the funny part is, I'll be doing the challenge four times anyway, so whatever. It's like, you know, the challenge this week is to urinate. Okay, I can do that. I've urinated before, and I'll probably do it again, so sure, challenge.

Speaker AYay! This is Dubai Friday.

Merlinone time i stabbed someone one time one time i shat on thy panties so are we gonna do spoilers

Alexoh wait real quick is so is this the this is the first time you've experienced the daniels like yeah yeah absolutely that you know well that i know of yeah yeah oh okay okay cool can i begin

Merlinwith a short opening statement please please do there's something that we will talk about in the course of talking about this film and all the things that i feel like i'm so smart about i didn't realize like there's i i saw like five percent of what's happening in this movie i didn't realize until i saw the director's commentary but um there's an observation that i made here last week and i and i made the main part about this is that i i made an observation here and on the public internet that implied that i was the person who came up with a unique observation

about this film that we will illuminate further once we get into the discussion but regardless of whether you ever watched this film, you need to know that I'm very sorry if in any way I implied that I came up with the donut connection or the bagel connection, because in fact my child is more than 90% responsible for coming up with that observation. And dad basically stole it without crediting me.

AlexOh my God. Oh my God.

MerlinAnd I said, I don't think that's entirely fair. I feel like we collaborated on this, you know? And I mean, I'll bet it's one of those, like, I don't know. I don't even know about Orville and Wilbur, but you know, in a lot of those relationships, you know, often it is kind of like, and I said this to my kid about the movie. I said, I think when you get two directors, there tends to be a little bit, there's already a division of labor in every movie because classically, you know, I know this all differs, but there's reasons, there's industry terms for this

and like how billing is, goes in, you know, official things. And like the director is the one who runs the film and generally has the creative, there's an asterisk for every single one of these. The director is the, I never know whether it's president or CEO. The director runs the movie and is very much in charge of the creative vision of that movie. But the producer kind of runs the movie too because the producer, I think of as like the COO, as being responsible. You tell me, but isn't the producer like the person who like deals with all of the logistics but also has creative input?

Well, then what about the writer? Well, sometimes the writer and the director or the writer and the producer are the same person. And you never have to think over much about this stuff almost ever, except when you get into something like the Daniels or the Cone brothers or, you know, these things were there, but there are divisions of labor. It's impossible that each person directed, produced, and wrote exactly 50% of the film, right? Nobody would even say that. I think anybody who's in a mature relationship like that would say, like, in my case, like, yeah, my wife is definitely the COO.

I mean, I might be the head custodian, but in terms of regular operations, I would think of my wife as being much more in that role. And I'll bet you one of the Daniels, and you can tell just they have different interests and they complete each other. It's a very, you know, origin of love kind of thing. I think they really complement each other.

AlexVery rarely does a directing pair.

MerlinOne had no hair. They had two directors' chairs. Origin of love. You know that animation always makes me cry.

AlexOh, it's – Isn't it good? I mean, I'm not surprised. It's so gay.

MerlinIt's so gay, but I really love it.

AlexIt's so gay, but –

MerlinIt's so gay and –

AlexBut.

MerlinYes, but. But anyway, and so I thought of that as something where like, hey, we're like the Daniels, me and you. Right? And like we collaborated on this. But no, according to the young person in whom I had some small role bringing into the world, nah, nah. It has been heavily stated that I ganked the whole eyeball to bagel concept from my young person. If I did that, I'm sorry you're angry.

Let me say that. I apologize that you're mad.

AlexListen, I don't want to insult a large portion of the population.

Speaker AI didn't even give a full Harmon apology.

AlexBut I have found as a former teen, it's kind of hard for teens to collaborate often. So I'm inclined to believe that you are taking more credit than you're doing.

MerlinOh, oh my God. Yeah. Oh no.

AlexI mean, they're not exactly like-

MerlinI was hoisted by my own bagel.

AlexThey are hard workers, but they're not great at collaborating. or at least that is what i found okay so so do you want to you want to drop in two spoilers here

Merlinand we'll uh we'll talk about it yeah after after all that after all that pissing and moaning and hey guys i love you i'm just how i am sorry um i will say this and it's the same thing i would say about any of the weird media like you know what i will also put into notes a couple of my letterbox lists of weird movies for weirdos that some people like oh that's a good list yeah yeah well i can't decide which one this goes on. Does this one go on? It's both!

AlexIt's both! That's why it's brilliant.

MerlinWell, does this one go on Weird Movies for Weirdos, or does it go on some next-level shit? I think probably Weird Movies for Weirdos. I mean, it's not like Jodorowsky's Dune. It's not like Shannon. Well... Yeah, it could go on both. But what I will say is this, and I if... I don't know. There may be ways... I know I'm not very likable, but if you can tell things about my temperament and taste that seem to align with yours. That's why I said to Syracuse, we should hang out a shingle where Syracuse and I just recommend weird TV

shows to people based on other weird things they like. All I can say is if, I don't know if you do or don't like my taste in stuff, but, and it's, I would have to say, honestly, if we're being honest, like truly honest, this is probably not a movie for everybody, but I don't.

AlexI hard disagree.

MerlinI don't.

AlexOkay. Okay.

MerlinNow you do yours. All I was going to say was give it a shot because it's special. you give your pitch

Alexeven if you are hate listening to this very entertaining episode of Dubai Friday I have a feeling yeah the

Speaker AI have one time you were here for the birth of the bit

Alexthe just there's nothing like this movie and I think in the future there's going to be a lot of things like this movie I have a feeling that a lot like this movie the reason I think it can be for everybody is there's so many elements from so many different genres which is obvious because it's everything everywhere all at once when you maybe watch it the first time but no upon every single rewatch

it's very layered in the way something like Arrested Development is

Merlinyeah you think you wonder if you've gotten all the meat off of the chicken leg and you realize there's still a whole another coop you haven't even seen yet there's a lot going on in this movie

Alexbut unlike a lot of movies that i think are yeah oh raccooni we're a family but unlike

Merlinam i literally tripping right now did somebody dose me and i am now seeing a parody of ratatouille inside of a kung fu movie i think i am yep yep yep i am i'm still though thinking like

Alexmost next level movies you can watch you can watch this and not enjoy it on a quote deeper level like it is also just a fun movie if you don't like oh you could

MerlinI mean seriously you could have drinks or edibles or weed or whatever you could just sit down and watch this movie just blast by I mean you could like an Into the Void or something or like Mandy you could just sit down and let this shit just blow you back like the Memorex commercial without giving over much thought to it. But if you're like me and I pray that you're not, you will on numerous viewings then find yourself going, oh, I didn't notice. Did you notice at the beginning under the mirror there's a raccoon?

AlexNot the first time. Not the first time.

MerlinI didn't notice until the fifth time. But yeah. But like, and it's like, and I guess I would also say, if you do, so I stole a copy of this. I was not able to ever see it in the theater. and it was killing me because, I mean, it's very rarely that a movie comes along where I'm more like, oh, this is my shit. It just didn't work out that I could see it in the theater. So I stole a good copy of it. After, to be honest, I don't feel defensive about this, but I had pre-ordered it. It was going to come out whenever. So I'd watched my back of the truck copy. And then when we got the real copy, it does.

Thanks for making this such a fun game, Apple. If you know to click on the word extras because that makes you want to see bloopers. Going to extras, the bloopers are...

AlexWait, that's where it is? I'm waiting for my Blu-ray. It's on? Oh, my God.

MerlinBecause nobody ever thinks. There's no reason to clip on it. Because you know what extras could be? Extras could be, if you're lucky, a 1998-style DVD feature gallery of JPEGs of the actors. Or it could be an Edgar Wright movie. It could be three commentaries and, like, two hours of special features. You don't know because all it says is extras.

AlexThe only time I've ever gone is the trailer, the various trailer versions.

MerlinOh, right.

AlexThis is just insane. Oh, my God. I'm very excited.

MerlinWell, okay. So here's my suggestion, and you could take it with a grain of salt. But my suggestion would be, hey, check this movie out. Try to release it down. And I'm talking too much. Go see this movie. If you do get it where you get the extra features, I would give you permission to watch the bloopers as soon as the first time you've watched it all the way through. I would hold off. Remember, this is the guy that didn't listen to the second act of Hamilton for a year. Because I hadn't earned it. But when you've earned it, as in watched it enough times that you started noticing things,

that's when you get a very, very special treat free of charge. And that is the directors, the Daniels, doing a very, very entertaining. What did you say? Entertaining commentary of the movie.

AlexI haven't seen it yet because I thought it was just on the Blu-ray. Oh, fuck me gently.

MerlinWe can't record this now. You got to see it.

AlexWell, oh, fuck. Well, because I haven't, like, I saw a clip of it. That's why you keep talking about your Blu-ray. Oh, thanks for buying the Blu-ray.

MerlinCan you verify, are you at a place where you could look and see if you got it under extras? I think you should. I do.

AlexNo, I see it right now. There are bloopers, there are three featurettes, and director's commentary. Oh, it might be. This might need to be a two-parter.

MerlinOh, my God. Oh, shit. How about this? Why don't we make it? Oh.

AlexThat's a second challenge to watch the director's commentary.

MerlinBut what if at this point we've got some people so excited about this movie because they've seen it and they love it or they haven't seen it and they're excited or we've made them so angry that they're literally throwing their phone into the sea? And what if we say this is just about the end of this episode? Oh, that's so mean. But that gives people time to watch the movie and look at the extras because we're going to spoil. Why did I say that other one? Well, bloopers you can enjoy from the beginning. when you see Jamie Lee Curtis and you see them putting their fingers,

the hot dog fingers in each other's mouths in the bloopers. Oh my God. You see James Hong like going up and down the hallway, knocking people over in his wheelchair. Like you should see the movie before you see that. I would say you need to see this movie a few times before you see the commentary because they show you every Easter egg in the movie. I think you need to see it.

AlexThe whole movie is an Easter egg.

MerlinOh, I agree. I agree. it's an ancient, ancient Easter egg. What time is it? We still got to do an after show. God, I know this is fucked up. I would feel better talking about, like Alex, I'm doing a lot of stuff with computers right now.

AlexI hear.

MerlinIt's, what? What have you heard? Have you heard?

AlexNo, no.

MerlinI'm excited about it. Oh, you just know I'm doing a lot of stuff with computers right now. All right. Yeah, I like computers. And my feeling, I'm going to tell you, I'm just going to, this is in band, as John Syracuse says, we're doing in-band communication here. I think we should bounce on talking any more about the film now. I think we should come back next week after people have had a chance to see the movie and the commentary. Is that weird, be honest?

AlexNo, it's not. It would be weird if this was-

MerlinAlso, we've already recorded a long time.

AlexA slate podcast. But no, no. Especially not weird if the co-host hasn't seen the commentary and is in quite a bit of pain and needs to go.

MerlinAnd the co-host can. You're convalescent. I don't know if that's ableist, but while you're sitting on the couch or whatever,

AlexOh, I was just thinking about some friends. I'm like, I need a better term than disability cosplay because.

MerlinYou win this one.

291. Kayfabe and the Blue Wall

Show notes

Transcript

291. Kayfabe and the Blue Wall

Show notes

Transcript

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