277. Three Xanax
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Transcript
Tap a timestamp or any sentence to play from there · machine transcribed (mlx:mlx-community/whisper-large-v3-turbo), expect mistakesAlexThis is Do By Friday, a weekly challenge podcast with Alex Cox and Merlin Mann. This week's challenge, repurpose an iPad.
MerlinDo you hear me? What's happening?
AlexYes. Nothing, nothing.
MerlinOh, it looks like I'm a lightning plug.
AlexOh, that is because you have Cameo running, but not a iPhone plugged in and your camera is on in Zoom.
MerlinAll right. Never mind. Let's start.
AlexJust hit stop video. Yeah.
MerlinStop video. Oh, look at that.
AlexYes.
MerlinShould we restart our recording?
AlexYes. No, no. We are good.
MerlinNo, it's not the show, is it?
AlexNo. Yes. Yes? I don't know. I don't know. Do you want it to be the show?
MerlinDo you want to hear the new Siri voice?
AlexI don't know. Yeah.
MerlinLet me put it differently. I'm going to play you the new Siri voice. Okay. There's now five. I'm going to do these in order. One, two, three, four, five. This is American. One, two, three, four, five. Ready?
Speaker AYeah. Hi, I'm Siri. Choose the voice you'd like me to use. Shut up. Hi, I'm Siri. Choose the voice you'd like me to use.
MerlinPump the brakes.
Speaker AOh, no. Hi, I'm Siri. Choose the voice you'd like me to use.
MerlinI would just I realized as I listened to Mr. Number 3
Speaker AHi, I'm Siri Choose the voice you'd like me to use
MerlinI would really like Donald Glover as Troy from Community to be my Siri voice
Speaker AHi, I'm Siri
MerlinWouldn't he be so funny? Oh my god, okay, this is four
Speaker AHi, I'm Siri Choose the voice you'd like me to use
MerlinOkay, now here's a new one I think this might be Martha
Speaker AHi, I'm Siri Choose the voice you'd like me to use
Merlinwell I'm going right back to where I was
Speaker Achoose the voice you'd like me to use
Merlinthere's my chippy fancy like a lady butler hey how's it going bud
Alexwonderful I don't like any of those Siri voices and I'm very upset I like the ones that sound like robots I don't want it to sound like I'm bossing around a woman who is hosting a reality TV show
Merlinyou fucking coward
AlexI know I know.
MerlinYou're actually scared to push a make-believe robot around?
AlexNo, I want to push around a real woman like you if I get the chance. No. Like me? Yeah.
MerlinA real woman like me?
AlexThat poor woman.
MerlinOh, that poor woman. I thought you wanted to push me around, and I thought you were trying to escalate our relationship in a way we hadn't negotiated. No, no. You can push me around. Everybody pushes me around. It's practically the national pastime. it's okay we'll change everything at the last minute and there's no money in it sure it sounds good i'm just happy to have the job um i do like i do like i love the women and i like the uh the the accents and i don't think it's a sexy thing listen listen if you're allowed to dress in a fur
costume and say it's not about sex if you're allowed to to listen to asmr and say it's not about sex. I am so allowed to have a fancy lady butler from England on my phone. I will allow it
Alexespecially. I'm going to stand in my truth. The only time I've experienced what most people describe as ASMR is when Stephen Hackett does it. And I refuse to think that that has any. No, no no no no no and listen i have some friends who like to dress up as tigers and yes they do like to
Merlinpretty good tiger sorry i was trying to do maria bamford it wasn't that it was not no no so you have a sexy thing um for my christian friend from tennessee No, no, God, no. Why don't you just admit it? You know, some of you queers can be so didactic, so narrow. Like, why don't you just let your freak flag fly? Freak flag fly.
AlexPut down the tarp and get all the podcast hosts in there. Just leave it. Don't leave anything.
MerlinDon't put it all on the tarp, the whole thing.
AlexGet the keys in the bowl. I hate this so much. Oh, we all put like a USB-C dongle in. Oh, that's really good.
MerlinPut your dongle in the bowl. That sounds like something that you call a square dance.
AlexAnyway, welcome to Dubai Friday.
MerlinDubai Friday, where Alex thinks about my sexy friend Stepin.
AlexOh, God, no. Oh, wow. You have a lot of links. Okay, well, I'll let him know. You have a lot of links.
MerlinSee, how do you think Mary feels about that?
AlexPretty conflicted, I'm guessing. No, no, no. God damn it. Would it help if Mary was there too? No. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. You know what? You know why I would never work? Christian and Catholic. We are not to mix.
MerlinOh, well, okay. Now, then what about Mike and Adina are in the mix? You're going to need a bigger tarp or bowl, if I'm being honest. I hate it so much. Also, they drive on the other side of the road, so it'll probably be kind of confusing. I regret everything.
AlexHey, Mike. I had a strangely good morning. Please, Mike Steven, let me do roboism still. Please, please. What's that, Merlin?
MerlinNothing. Nothing. I got nothing. I had a strangely good morning. You know how most days that suck – well, for me, most days that suck start sucky because of a management error on my part. Let's be honest. Something where I went to bed too late or blah, blah, and I wake up and I'm all cranky or something. But like the classic not that great day is like a – what was his name? Glenn Howerton? It's like a Dennis Reynolds kind of day where everybody is in your way like that poor woman. I think the reason most mornings are bad is usually because of people, like because of traffic or because – again, people are just always in my way.
But I had a very –
AlexOh, sidebar. Yeah, you there. Please. What would make a bad, like what would cause a bad day that's not a, I mean, I guess like an avalanche, but I mean, I think 99% of all bad days.
MerlinWell, like for example, you can probably hear the bang bang machine outside.
AlexBut a person decided to use the bang bang machine. It's not the bang bang machine's fault.
MerlinOh, I like this. You're adopting a more philosophical, like what isn't caused by a person.
AlexDon't get bad at the bang bang. All right. I'm sorry to interrupt.
MerlinWell, but it also could be, I guess it could be weather, you know, which is God. Like last night I was recording with Syracuse and I received a video. It was hailing outside and my child was out in the hail. It hailed here.
AlexOh, is that not a thing that happens in San Francisco?
MerlinWhich sounds like the way that Stephen would say hell.
AlexHe would never transubstantiate. That's why it just can't work. Okay.
MerlinHe just couldn't find the bread.
AlexGod damn. Damn.
MerlinUh-huh. And also with you. And also with you. And also with you. God literally damn it. And also with you.
Speaker AAnd also with you. God literally damn it.
MerlinGet in my sacristy.
AlexGod literally damn it. This do in remembrance of me.
MerlinGod literally damn it.
Speaker AAll right.
AlexYou are having a good. Oh, my God. This is. Oh, God. Podcasters need a HR department. You know I can make a lot of noises with my face.
MerlinDid I ever tell you that?
AlexOh. All right. You were having, did you stay up too late? Were you watching horrors again?
MerlinI made that with my face. Like I was playing my throat a little bit. You want to hear that?
AlexI didn't hear. Oh, no. Oh, wait, I can, I sound like a raptor.
MerlinI can do that waiter sound. I can also do this waiter sound. Let's see. Anyhow, but you know, I think it is often owing to people and people are in my way. Like you, You just really need to get – you know what? Nobody cares. It was just nice because I woke up and I visited with my family a little bit. They're generally leaving for little Tyler to go to school at a time when I'm still kind of barely with it, which I'm working on as part of the energy project.
But anyway, I got to visit with my family for a little bit. Well, let's be honest. I Walter Hudson them. Like I laid in bed while they came and sort of attended to me. and I've never told anyone this but there's a thing that I do with people in my family if I'm laying in bed and they're saying goodbye or they're saying good morning I very feebly hold up my hand like I'm very ill and I say touch my hand and they come over and they hold my hand and I look at them very meaningfully touch my hand so that was nice and I talked to my kid and my kid refused
to bring a heavier jacket but you know that's how you learn in life then what happened in order Oh, first of all, I ran into my downstairs neighbor who I like, but it started out kind of awkward because I was going into the garage to get my scoot-scoot while she's fixing to pull out of the garage. And I had this – I was having a good morning. I had this very pleasant smile on my face as I was walking around in the garage, and I'll tell you why in a second. And she's like, hey, hey. I'm like, oh, hey, name of neighbor.
What's going on? I said, you didn't see me there. I said I said I said I'm sorry I was in a daze I'm I'm listening god what did I say to her I said I'm listening to a podcast where three men talk about finding a dump a baby in a dumpster because I was listening to this very funny episode of the sunny podcast so we visit a little bit and that was nice then I went outside and this all involves almost running into people because everybody's in my way and I'm on a scooter I almost ran into this young man and he goes hey
how are you? And I'm like, name of neighbor. And it's this kid that used to go to school with my kid, except he's like three years older. And he's such a nice boy. They're a, what are the door to doors? Not a Mormon, but a, or a seventh day of Venice. They're one of those. Maybe the other one.
AlexThe Jews for Jesus. Jehovah's Witness.
MerlinYes. They're Jehovah's Witnesses. And they're, and, and he's such a sweet kid. He's so well-tempered. And we had this, this nice little 20 second visit. I was like, I thought you moved. I never see you anymore. He says, no, I'm going to name of high school. I said, oh my gosh. Yeah. My kid might be going to name of high school next year. And I said, it's so nice to see you. I said, I know this doesn't mean a lot, you know, coming from an old man. I said, I've always really liked you. And I think you've, you've turned into a really cool young man. I said, you should go be a spokesman for something. And he said, thank you very much. It's really nice to see you. And he's like one of those kids you
me that like you should see on CNN, like a little gentleman.
AlexI guess. Oh, my God.
MerlinIt was so nice to see him. And then I told him how I feel because I was in a good mood.
AlexThis kid is recording his own podcast right now and is like, my name of neighbor was real weird this morning.
MerlinDo you just not have sincerity? Is your life without sincerity? No, no. I think the problem is you and all these other fuckers who listen to this bullshit. You give us your fucking money.com. I think I think people may have a misapprehension about me. which is okay and understandable, but there's a dirty little secret about me, which is that I'm really nice.
I revealed another secret about myself last week, but I'm not going to revisit that. The secret I'm revealing this week is that I'm actually mostly really nice. Like if you meet me or you hang out with me, John Roderick's the same way. He's incredibly charming. Like I really do like people. It's just this part of my existence is a place where I do stuff like, bitch about ads for TVs that don't show cables, or I talk about how difficult it is to run your remote across the screen on Hulu. I think you could take all of that in sum.
I notice you're not jumping in here to say, Merlin, you're right, you are really nice. Because you don't think I'm nice, is that it? Am I a toxic asset?
AlexBe honest. No, no, no, no, no, no, no. Still taking a real long time to say it. You're so nice that before our first call, where we were talking about something. Oh, we were talking about how Cards was producing ads for Roderick on the Line or something. And I don't often have flop sweats.
MerlinOh my gosh, that's a million years ago. Oh my gosh, I thought you meant our first call after we'd gotten acquainted. Oh my gosh, that's so funny.
AlexYeah.
MerlinOh, remind me what happened. I don't remember at all.
AlexWell, all I really remember is that I had taken three, at the time I was using Xanax, I had taken three Xanax. I was sweating profusely.
MerlinWhat was happening at the time? Why so much Xanax?
AlexBecause of you. Because I was so excited. Because you.
MerlinBecause you used to like me when you were young, right? Didn't you used to like me? No, not like that. Not like Steven. But I mean, you liked the stuff I did, right?
AlexYes. Yeah. Yeah, and I, like, literally, my coworkers are like, hey, it's going to be fine. It's going to be fine. Oh, my God.
MerlinThis makes me so happy to know you're so broken inside. Oh, my God.
AlexBut within five minutes, I was like, well, now I'm realizing it could have been the Xanax. But within five minutes of talking to you, I was like, oh, God, what a nice, normal person.
MerlinIf everybody just had three Xanax before they met me, everything would go so much smoother. Anyway, then I greeted one of the bang bang managers and we had a little nice visit. And I wish people would say good morning more. This might be a Christian thing. But where I come from, when you greet somebody in the morning, you say good morning.
You could say hi or hello or what up. But like where I come from, you look somebody in the eye and you say good morning. That's a thing we do where I'm from. And I feel like people don't do that as much anymore. And I saw this guy. I'm on my scooter. And I go, good morning. And he says, good morning. I said, hey, have a great day. Be safe out there. He says, hey, you too. Thanks. Nice seeing you.
AlexMaybe this is a San Francisco thing because I don't know. Even, I mean, looking people in the eye, that's a whole thing for me. But I often say good. I know. That's in the challenge, Doc. Oh, you're right. You're right. It is. Yeah. I do say, like, good morning or have a good day. And usually that's because I'm avoiding the question of how are you? Because I don't it's not even that I don't want to know how the person's day is. I know they don't want to tell me.
MerlinWe should go back to the classic COVID greeting. How are you doing?
AlexYeah. Are you OK?
MerlinNext time I see the bang bang manager, I'm going to say, are you OK? Also, I am not a weirdo. So I visited with him and then I turned my scoot scoot to the little hallway that goes to my little officina and I almost hit my neighbor. And so there's these pretty girls that live upstairs, these college students, and they're all really nice and they're so young. I mean they're so young. No, no, no, no, no. They're really young in that sense of like they really haven't learned that you have to bring in the trash cans after they're done.
That kind of young. No, I'm not talking about pertinence or something. And so I had a nice visit with her. I said, hello. I said, hey, have a great day. Good morning. Have a great day. And then I came to my office and I think I did this. I went, hmm, this feels like a pretty good day. I've had worse mornings.
Good morning. Good morning.
AlexYou know what? I said at the beginning of this call, I said good post morning because.
MerlinYou did. Oh, yeah, we didn't get that because we did another thing. Good post morning. That is a pretty terrible greeting. Good post morning.
AlexNo, it's not because it's usually correct.
MerlinYeah, but then what's the response to that? And the rest of the day to you.
Speaker AExactly.
MerlinAnd also with you, Stephen. Also with you, Mike.
Speaker ANo.
MerlinOh, and also with you over there. You little tramp. Little tramp.
So that's, you know, that's cool. now here we are. I don't know what we're going to talk about, but I feel also somebody sent me some money. Somebody who owed me money sent me money. And that made me happy. I woke up and I looked at my notesies, my notifications, and somebody sent me money, which is nice. I like money.
AlexI need to send you money.
MerlinYou need to send me money. You do that. You do that.
AlexOh my God,
Merlinshut up. Don't ruin my good post morning.
AlexI am good post morning. you've got a lot of things in the show doc here that i continue to want to automate oh no i mean
Merlinit's all very unnecessary but i'm you know sometimes you know i remember i told you i made i think i made you watch that thing from the honeymooners where art carney always has to play uh camp town ladies before he can play any other song i need if i the phrase that i started using when I got on Adderall, which, follow-up, I still miss.
The phrase that I started using, and I still use to this day, is I have to be careful. How did I used to phrase this? What gets the hook in? Like, if you have ADHD and you have my ADHD, or fuck it, let's leave all that aside for a minute. If you're like how I am, and you have especially, if you have the kind of ADHD I have, which is just not that I can't focus on things, it's just it sometimes takes me a while to realize i'm not focusing on the thing i'm meant to be focusing on right now really boring garden variety non-gambling non-sex stuff just very boring i
should probably stop trying different fonts in this app and go do a different thing um but i gotta be careful what gets the hook in because if it takes me two and a half hours to realize that the hook has gotten in from something that I didn't want to be doing or wasn't the, you know, I'm not trying to be negative, but like, oh, shit, man, 90 minutes just went by and I wasn't doing the thing I wanted to do. And that makes me feel kind of silly.
But if I can regulate that and get the right hook in, you know, I end up having a good day. What was I talking about? My scooter?
AlexHow you had things in the dock, but you didn't,
Merlinyou wanted to make sure you had the right hook in. Well, it helps you sometimes to play Camptown Ladies. And I burn off. But it's also good because sometimes if I can learn to harness them horses, I get good stuff happening. And it's just I need to – but sometimes I do a lot of weird busy work in the morning because it makes me feel centered.
And it's like I have the – this sounds pathetic, but I have the sort of attention that I had when I was younger, which is I can manage working on several different things at once and kind of moving from station to station like a David Bowie album. And I can like go, OK, I'm going to work on this thing. I'm updating that. I need to get this little bit of content ready. Oh, will this work if I do it on air with Alex? And that's why all this stuff is. J.D. Vance, Alex, J.D. Vance is kind of a piece of shit. I don't know if you know this.
AlexI didn't know that he said transgender rights drives looming conflict in Ukraine.
MerlinBecause I am, again, I got to be careful what gets the hook in. I am somebody who looks at Google News several times a day. Well, no, it's just a thing I do. Like, don't pathologize my news.
AlexOkay. All right.
MerlinOr do. I don't have a dog in this fight. I don't even have a dog. Or a fight. Good morning. So there's a side rail thing because, you know, Google's all about the truth now. And they got this little side rail on the right where I'll just find out what it's called. It's like fact checks.
AlexBut this says, or at least the site you sent me to is PolitiFact.
MerlinYeah.
AlexOr PolitiFact.
MerlinOkay, let me find this. But I just want to give you context for how this came up. Why is my keyboard suddenly not working? I'm not crazy about that.
AlexAre you using the good keyboard? Are we going to talk about the keyboard?
MerlinNo, but we can talk about that. Oh. I'm using, what I'm doing now is, oh boy, oh boy. I feel like I'm such a Casey right now. I had to plug in my keyboard. I do have a drink on the same level as my keyboard, but I had to pull the cable. And when I pulled the cable, it made the LG monitor move a nano-tesimally small amount. So, of course, the monitor went off and everything disconnected. Because the USB-C holes in the back of this monitor are not for shit.
Nope. Oh, my God. This is so bad. Okay. I'm clicking. Oh, okay. But I'm still having it. Good morning. How are you?
AlexI'm doing great. The Google News site actually isn't that horrific looking.
MerlinMy monitor is totally off now. Is it?
AlexYes.
MerlinWhen I go to, now will it work? Will my keyboard work? We'll start the show in a second. Hey, it's working. I got a computer. write that down we're going to talk about the other computer thing side rail over on the right under the weather called fact check so for example right now I see you might see similar things fact checking Putin's speech on Ukraine from Washington Post Marjorie Taylor Greene falsely claims Ukraine was DDD and pull out a fact doctored CNN screenshot share so it's it's the it's the like warning you about fake news section this is bleak
Alexyeah here's the news that isn't real god yeah here's all the news that isn't real i don't know
Merlinthis made me think of you uh jd vance is so goddamn sweaty you know he's we don't need to go over all of this again but you know he did hillbilly elegy he went to yale he was a marine and he he's just he is that he feels like he is that breed of thirsty sweaty striving like I will do anything to make somebody like
me by acting really bellicose very Ted Cruz in some ways headline JD Vance says transgender rights drives looming conflict in Ukraine did you look at this
AlexNo, no. I figured you were going to talk about it.
MerlinOh, no. He's such a piece of shit. And it's like, I mean, I'm sure he could take me in a fight. Like, who cares? Like, that and seven bucks will get you a cup of coffee. But he's such a piece of shit. All of these saber-rattling, you know, fat guys. No, no offense. Sorry. That was fattest. But, like, it's, you know, it's like the guys who show up in, like, in jerseys. And it's like, no, you don't play football. You're cosplaying as an athlete. And all these cosplay tough guys. you know, who are out there just saying the stupidest shit.
Let's see. Let me just read you a little bit here. As the prospect of ground war hangs over Ukraine, Ohio Senate hopeful.
Speaker AThat's so sad.
MerlinIs he a hopeful? Because that sounds like an adjective that you're using as a noun. Senate hopeful. You could also say candidate. J.D. Vance said he doesn't, quote, really care what happens to Ukraine one way or the other. End quote. New paragraph. Speaking to former Trump advisor Steve Bannon, Vance, a Marine veteran – well, there aren't no Marine veterans – said there's no reason for U.S. military intervention. Quoting, we didn't – wait, I think this is a typo. I'm going to read what I think this is.
AlexNo, but read it as it is. Read it as it is.
MerlinWe didn't not serve in the Marine Corps. Do you think that's a typo?
AlexI don't know, man. Have you ever heard of talk? Oh, is there a video? Oh, man.
MerlinOh, God, I don't know. because, let's see, okay. All right, I'm going to read what this sentence says. I'm not doing this to make fun of the man. I'm doing other things to make fun of the man. I think this is probably poor editing, but I'm going to read this. We did not serve in the Marine Corps to go and fight Vladimir Putin because he didn't believe in transgender rights. What?
He sure is a hopeful, which is what the U.S. State Department is saying is a major problem with Russia. events went on to say that he is, quote, sick of Joe Biden focusing, unquote, on Ukraine at the expense of dealing with problems on the border with Mexico.
So, but there's no mention of sports.
AlexOh, I know. He kind of missed the mark there.
MerlinKind of dropped the ball there. What about bathrooms?
AlexThe, oh, oh. Or as we call them, trans fuck chambers. Hold on, hold on. Oh, my God.
MerlinWhat? Did you find the video?
AlexWait, wait, wait. Oh, oh, oh, oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Wait.
MerlinOK, wait. Marker, marker, marker. Why don't you send me whatever you're looking at? We'll look at it together and drop in the audio. Oh, shit. I got to be honest with you. I don't really care what happens to Ukraine. OK, I'm going to listen to this.
Speaker BWhen I graduated from high school in 2003, two kids on my block graduated from high school in 2003. Both of us enlisted in the U.S. Marine Corps. We did not serve in the Marine Corps.
MerlinOh, God, he did kind of say didn't, didn't he?
AlexHe the thing is, even if he was just doing like an Alex Cox style stammer, he, I think, was questioning, is transgender the right word to like it? Should I be using a slur? Is this a bad thing? I want to say a bad thing.
MerlinWell, I do this all the time in extemporaneous speaking where once I've made an error, I commit to whatever bad structure I put in place. And then you've got to like continue and like have your – the serial sort of like clauses be in the same tense and everything.
The thing is if you're not careful about that, you end up with something like we did not serve in the Marine Corps to go and fight Vladimir Putin because he didn't believe in transgender rights.
Speaker AOh my God.
MerlinI don't even know if I'm supposed to be mad about that. And if I were, which part I'd be mad about. Apart from the fact that I'd love to see him have to write this on the board and diagram it.
AlexOh God. Oh, I think that's also in the challenge sheet, but diagramming sentences. What a, I don't know if it, it's like reading fast. I don't know if this is a useful skill. out. At least I can say transgender, right?
MerlinWell, you know how like if you, I'm trying to think of a good example of this. Well, you know, like in continuing education in a profession where like, you know, if you're a physician or really lots of different people, I mean, shoot, if you work in a drug lab, you probably have to take occasional continuing education to make sure you're up to date on laws and procedures and that you can demonstrate that you know how to do the thing that you are theoretically doing. Did you, have you watched How to Fix a Drug Scandal on Netflix?
AlexNo. I've been all Anna all the time. How to fix a drug scandal.
MerlinBut I think in a similar way, continuing education, like if you had to diagram a sentence once a year, like, you know, just for like an hour as a continuing education thing, you had to go do some stuff that you think is bullshit. Oh, interesting. Well, because like, I mean, like my rule, like, for example, that rule of thumb, how do you avoid sounding like, you know, whatever. What's the phrase I use? Sounding like a smart dumb guy. A smart dumb guy. Where smart dumb guy always says, Alex and I, regardless of whether it's in the object or the subject of the predicate.
Right?
AlexSometimes it's who?
MerlinThe rule of thumb is separate those and say it. Like, Alex and I went to the carnival. Alex and me went to the carnival. Me and Alex went to the carnival. Which one's right? Well, Alex went to the carnival. What's the other one? I went to the carnival. Oh! Alex and I went to the carnival. See, there's no excuse for getting that wrong. I know what I just said to you sounds really obvious, and yet smart dumb guys all the time say that because it sounds fancy. Just like they say whom,
they use whom as the subject of the sentence because they think it makes them sound smart. I think whom is a fancy version of who. They think it's like saying thou. Oh, challenge. No. Learn the proper use of thee, thy, and thou and start using it. Oh.
We're going to be coastal Amish.
AlexI'm true.
MerlinSurf's up, Jedediah. Stupid fucking bullshit.
Anyway, J.D. Vance is a piece of shit.
Where did I hear a podcast? I heard a podcast about him, and I'm trying to remember if it was like you're wrong about it. No, it couldn't be. Oh, hey. How's it going?
AlexIs this a show? Is this a show? Can we talk about your computer? What else is there?
MerlinOh, we could do that, too. Did you do anything fun for your bachelor time?
AlexOh, that's right. I did. I just, well, I mean, I watched It's Always Sunny.
MerlinYou and I both had partnerless times. You had matched you with a broken dog. And my kid and I were together because we gave mom a night off. And long story. But like, and we hung. So my placeholder name for this is bachelor time. but we'll come up with something better.
AlexIt needs a better name. It needs a cute name, which may be a bad cute. It just needs a cute name. I just put It's Always Sunny on all of the HomePods in the apartment. The podcast or the show? No, the show. Well, both. I made a little treat, and I did watch the video version, which I don't think it's a podcast.
MerlinThis week I feel like I need to watch the video version because Glenn apparently, remember mentioning he broke his collarbone?
AlexYep, yep, yep.
MerlinWell, apparently he's real fucked up and in a lot of pain right now.
AlexAnd he has a very old iPhone. He's got a purple case, though. Okay. I have a problem. No, but then I was like, I really should do drugs. Like, I don't really do the fun drugs. We've really talked about it. You know, no cocaine, no acid.
MerlinWe talked last week about your desire to get psychedelics or psychotropic drugs.
AlexYes, yes. And I was like, hmm, hmm. But then I just ate some cocaine.
MerlinAnd I said, are you sure about that? Do you maybe want to talk to every doctor you've ever seen about that to find out if that's a good? You might undo months of brain school on one Saturday night.
AlexI mean, if it makes it's always sunny, even funnier. it might be worth it.
MerlinSee, that's the kind of thing somebody's going to have to write on a government form.
AlexYou know, I am prepared to write many things on government forms if it means I can live a full and productive life.
Speaker BOh my God, yes.
AlexYes.
MerlinYou're welcome for my bravery. You're going to play sports with anybody you feel like or don't feel like sporting with. And you're going to bone down with a bowl of keys and steven. And then you'll probably record it so you can listen to it later.
Speaker ANo. Oh, God.
AlexOkay. You were going to say something funny about Bachelor time.
MerlinYou texted me during your Bachelor time. What I'm remembering is you said I sent you a thing and you were going to watch King of the Hill. What were you doing before you said you were going to watch King of the Hill? Remind me. I can go look it up.
AlexWas I driving? Yeah, I need to look.
MerlinNo, you were doing something. Oh, I sent you this King of the Hill joke. Somebody made a very funny King of the Hill joke. Oh, I sent you my best tweet I ever tweeted. Look alive. Oh, yeah. I don't think people appreciated how funny that was. It was a picture of two dogs. And the second I saw the picture of the two dogs from the Japanese groomer, the second I saw it, it immediately reminded me of the scene from, Is that, I think that's the commercial one or the turkey one? I think that's the commercial one.
AlexOh, I thought it was the...
MerlinI think it might be the Super Bowl one, Super Bowl, where Jimmy Pesto says something and kind of tacitly insults all of his customers. Like he's like, you know, they come over to my place if they want to get some good food. And Teddy says, hey, they're talking about us. Look alive, Mort.
It means I didn't have balance in my life. I shouldn't store matches by my bed.
AlexOh, that show, especially the first few seasons. Very good.
MerlinSo I sent you this very funny joke from something called Jesse Brenneman, and it's done in the form of, like, you know, screenplay with attribution. Hank Hill says, so they mail you a printout of the monkey? And Dale Gribble says, no, Hank, it's all online. And Hank says, so what do you own? And then Dale says, nothing. and everything. And then Bill Dotree says, I'd like to buy an ape, Dale. And then Boomer says, dang old late stages, dang old capitalism man.
I love the idea of Hank Hill and the guy standing in the alley and talking about NFTs.
AlexIt's so fucking funny to me. Man, I wish it was like, and I did watch the first two episodes. It was very, very good.
MerlinDon't play lawyer ball, son.
AlexI don't know how I missed this show.
MerlinDon't you love Bobby Hill? Isn't he amazing?
AlexOh, God. He's... He's so goddamn fine. They're all so precious in a very upsetting way. I love Peggy.
MerlinPeggy and her and her terrible Spanish. Oh, my God. She loves Boggle.
AlexI wish it was 1995. No, I wish it was 1995 Simpsons era. and like those writers were around doing what they did for i mean i could have said i wish the old simpsons writers were still writing that would have been a lot easier now do classical gas but well i don't know where's my burrito where's my burrito
Merlini really should stop ending the tour here okay so and then you said i'm confused king of the hill who is this guy? Oh, and then you, you just throw Casey under the bus as you said, I'm a Casey now. Um, and, and so I was saying, you know, you don't really need to go watch King of the Hill, but didn't you watch two King of the Hill? Kings of the Hill.
AlexYes. Did you like it? On Hulu. Yes. Yes. Very, very, yes, yes, yes. It, I mean, it did not sound amazing on all of the home pods. I mean, neither did. It's always funny. Oh, sure. Then I watched in Kanto again and, oh man, that movie gets better every time you see it. That movie is really fucking weird. It is weird.
MerlinI've tried to finish it three times, and I've gotten as far as two-thirds of the way through before I can't escape the fact that I really hate this fucking family. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to be gaining from this.
AlexGrandma's a fascist. Grandma's a fascist. And I know that word's thrown around, but I don't know if she's...
MerlinWell, maybe we don't talk about him because we're really a terrible family that runs on magic. Anyway, I like Mirabelle. Oh, and I like the little boy. I like the little boy. He's a little boy under the bed. He's so cute.
AlexI talked to our editor, Quinn, and her partner. And I was like, in fact, they came over. And Matt Mathew was like, oh, God, we're going to watch Encanto. And I was like, I've got work to do. And I didn't really like it the first time. And then I was like, hey, guys.
MerlinIt looks so fucking good. It looks amazing.
AlexI don't know what it is, but I've watched it three times.
MerlinThey've really gotten to a new level of like, this looks, I mean, I don't know how you even describe it. But it's like that evolution, the famous Pixar thing of like, you know, once we understood how to do water, we did Nemo. Once we understood how to do hair, we did Monsters, Inc. We bring all of that together in The Incredibles. And like, it just keeps us more and more things we can do as we master these formerly impossibly difficult things. And in this one, like, there's no Uncanny Valley. The kid with the coffee, how fucking great is he?
AlexOh, little chittery boy. Oh, man.
MerlinAnd that's Rosa from 9-9. Did you know that?
AlexYes. Oh, man.
MerlinHer natural speaking voice is really confusing to me.
AlexIt is. I'm glad that she is doing more voice acting, and I continue to think funny voices. We got to bring them back. Funny voices.
MerlinThis is going to be the year. This is going to be the year. We said it last year, and I think we really need to fully challenge something with funny voices. Well, I'm glad you watched King of the Hill. We mostly ate Chicken McDonald's and watched a lot of TV.
AlexChicken McDonald's.
MerlinYou said you're caught up on Righteous Gemstones.
AlexWell, but I thought I was. Oh, no, I'm not.
MerlinIn the first flashback, in the flashback from season one, there's a point where Eli is talking to his terrible children and basically talking about how entitled they are, I think. And he says something like, you know, and the Chicken McDonald's is going to be delivered from heaven. And that's our word for McDonald's.
AlexI remember every single line. You should.
MerlinPunch that in. Punch that in.
AlexOh, now I want McDonald's. Oh, I want McDonald's so much.
MerlinOh, we had Chicken McDonald's twice when Mom was away.
AlexNo. Really? Oh, my God.
MerlinWe never get McDonald's. We don't get, we don't talk about McDonald's.
AlexOh, God, I wish.
MerlinAnd what else do we do? But, yeah, we got Chicken McDonald's for Righteous Gemstones. And, my God, how impossibly good this season is. Holy fucking shit.
AlexWas there a new one? Yes. On Dubai Friday, we talk about shows that we like. Alex, don't address the audience. The really righteous gemstones. I use this in the correct way, I think. Unique show.
MerlinWell, you'll remember or not remember because there's an extremely memorable bit of casting in last Sunday's episode. Beep, beep. Do you remember Beep, beep? Remember Harmon? Do you remember Harmon?
AlexHar.
MerlinHarmon's in the second season flash? or sorry, first season? Yeah. Yeah. In the first season flashback. Uncle baby Billy's son?
AlexBleep that, Quinn. Bleep, bleep, bleep, bleep, bleep. Bleep what?
MerlinWhat did I spoil?
AlexThat Uncle Billy has a son.
MerlinWell, oh.
AlexThat was a reveal. Yeah. Bleep it. I mean, we knew that last year. Because it fucked me up. No, we didn't. It was sort of like.
MerlinWell, this little boy, he doesn't throw the football to. Beep, beep.
AlexOh, no, you're right. Oh, never mind. Okay, I guess it's not a spoiler. But it is a very emotional scene.
MerlinBut then, second season, woof, the mall. So did you see Sunday's episode? Did you know the bit of casting I'm talking about?
AlexNo.
MerlinYou're not caught up. I have not. Okay, cool. All right, well, put that on your list.
AlexYou're also going to do, I think you should leave.
MerlinYou're going to watch Citizen Kane with Ebert's commentary. I'm not even done yet.
AlexI got a whole list here. I have watched Citizen Kane. I can't believe I'm saying it. Underrated movie. It's amazing.
MerlinIt is impossible, and yet it is totally underrated. And when you listen to – I watch it every night now. I've watched it three of the last four nights. And I got my Criterion 4K UHD Blu-ray.
And it comes with a booklet and stuff. It might have the Pauline Kael essay. I've been trying to scare that up. Anyway, Pauline Kael famously said it's the first modern – I know she's a piece of shit. But it's the first truly modern sound movie.
AlexShe was a piece of shit to Ebert, too. She was, well, she died before she was able to be a piece of shit to Ebert.
MerlinWell, you know what, though? I feel like she gets, I would put her with the Dorothy Parkers of the world. Like, that's an American original. I don't agree with everything. Norman Mailer, maybe. But, like, you know, that's sort of like, what an American, wacky American original Pauline Kael was.
AlexHow is Dorothy Parker in America? America hated her. I mean, I guess, I mean, I don't know. I like her.
MerlinYou know, in England, they call them eccentrics. They have, I think, a UK-wide affection for eccentrics. And, like, we don't have that here. You know, it's just you're either, like, you know, that just becomes a person on a compound with, like, a guard tower.
And, like, a flag with Mr. Trump's name on it. Oh, God. It's so weird that there's Trump flags.
AlexHonestly, for the amount of, like, grifters and con people we have, we don't have enough cults. Like, there was NXIVM. Oh.
MerlinOh, shit, dog. That's going on the list. Good idea.
AlexWe don't have enough. It's not, I mean, I don't want anyone to die.
MerlinAnd not, like, not even, like, was it Lulu Roe, Lulu Lemon, Lulu, what's the one with the Lulu Lemon Roe?
AlexNot Lulu Miller.
MerlinRoe is a kind of fish egg. A lemon is a fruit. but that you know the one with the documentary with the people who apparently didn't realize they were going to be in a documentary yep yep uh start or i'm gonna like i say start a cult plan
Alexthat's also on the list oh we already did it just no no it's just on the it might be way up there on the oh yeah you know what yeah there's nothing new under the sun oh no busy week big week for me
MerlinBig week.
AlexOh, we've been talking for 42 minutes.
MerlinWe should do the challenge. Beep beep. Oh, man. You're going to like. OK, so the last one you saw. Oh, so did you see the one when Queef is in the cage?
AlexYeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.
MerlinYeah. And the dick comes through. Yeah. Poor Queef.
AlexOh, man. There's been a lot of dicks on TV lately.
MerlinI totally agree. Between that and Pam and Tommy.
AlexYeah. And by a lot of dicks, I do mean just those two shows that happen to have dicks. No, I had the same.
MerlinI thought the exact same thought. Okay, so let's get on to our challenge. Is there anything else in the doc here to talk about? Hey, thank you all for visiting with us today. If you enjoy what we do here and you'd like to support it with money because we will talk. Yeah, we need money. We'll talk about it more. I'll talk about my need for money more.
AlexPlease, my money. There's not as much of it.
MerlinUh-huh. but you can go to giveusyourfuckingmoney.com and you get an after show God, last week we had what? Three hours of content last week? Four hours? Something like that?
AlexOh God, don't call content Oh God Is that what we are? We're content creators now?
MerlinThere's an ad read that I have to do, Alex in which I have to use the word content ironically and I also have to use I think they might have changed at some point but I have to use the phrase about maintaining ownership of your audience this is my policy I'm going to tell you a secret thing about me I reject any ad copy that has the personal pronouns I or me those are my pronouns I and me if they
Speaker Athat's funny I reject copy
Merlinand I say to the wonderful ad persons out there again and again and again what I say to them is this I say look I hate to keep bugging you about this it's really important that I never see any ad copy that just in general has anything that implies an endorsement by me. You know, you can also leave out phrases like, go nuts, have fun with it, just riff. No, how about instead you give me the ad copy and I read it because this is an ad. Like you're pushing me toward the kind of product endorsement
that I don't do because I'm not a spokesman. We do sell ads and ads are where you can send me true things about your company and I will read what you said. So if you say something like, you know, blip blop vpm is the greatest thing since sliced bread i will just so you know change that into blip blop vpn seems to think for some reason that they're the greatest thing since sliced bread which is very different but you remember all those times i told you to never send me things you know
don't make it sound like an endorsement for me and you know but and then the trick for that is look for personal pronouns, I and me, and leave all of these things. But if you send me ad copy and what you say in there is true and ethical, I will read what you asked me to read, even if it's terrible. I will read it. I'll do what I can and I'll try to not make it sound like a hostage
Alexstatement, but that's getting harder every week. What's frustrating is it's not that I don't like ads i don't like ads that are shitty because if you need to sell a product based on one person liking it what one person that the audience super admires like oh merlin really really likes this
Merlinmattress even though i have a feeling that yeah go get blip blip vpn he personally he personally
Alexloves it he loves the coziness of these warm knits like if you're doing a good if you have an ad department and you're paying people to market things it should be merlin can say whatever the fuck you write about your stuff and you'll still want it like okay i for another thing that's going around with the influencers and bullshit is uh the company like uh oh rothy's shoes and i was like
Merlinjesus christ okay you like is that the one with the pretty asian lady with the camouflage shoes
Alexi i don't know but they well now they have men's shoes one of those made from water bottles shoes No, no, no. Here's the thing. But they don't mention this in like a saw like fucking on Instagram and everywhere. I'm like, OK, but then I see that they're machine washable. And I was like, oh, excuse me. And now I have a pair of Rothy's shoes because they're machine washable. And that's awesome. Like, just tell me about your fucking shoe. I'm sorry. It's been triggered.
MerlinYou're right. I mean, it's in the same way. So last night when we recorded Rect Diffs, we finally did the kind of the follow up to John's streaming apps pieces on his blog. And, you know, kind of just open fire on apps. And I said the thing I always say that I believe is true, which is like, how many different things do I say? hey team team that makes this app team that makes the Apple TV there are things that are obvious to me not only do you not use this as much as me you don't love this as much as me you should love your
product more than I do and you should arguably use it more than I do but I I am not an edge case and yet I can tell you there's a whole bunch of stuff about this that's really fucked up because you can't be asked to like go spend some time making it right you know which is which is you know kind of a bummer but you know it's anyway the point i was going to make about about the ad stuff and i am sorry i don't want to sound like i'm being disloyal but you know um the problem is that
these days in this economy there's a needle to be threaded which is like when i do get ad copy it's frequently covered with people love highlighted text yellow text red text oh yeah This is the section you have to say verbatim. This is the section where you have to pick one of these reads. And then over here, you can go have fun with it and just riff or whatever. And it's like, look, no, no, look. I know that the false economy of 2011 is not coming back. I know me working personally with Ryan Stansky at Squarespace
and getting to write a rock opera for an ad is not going to happen again. Maybe it shouldn't happen again. But like on the other hand, don't give me something chalked up with all of these red, all this red and yellow text full of implicit endorsements and then tell me to have fun with it. Like don't do that. Like I'm not, I don't write ad copy for a living. If you're going to, if you just buy an ad and say, say whatever you want, I've done it. And I've made some of our advertisers a lot of money by being pretty good at letting you know how much I actually do love this thing.
but like it's just i can't get that excited about a cbd oil i can't someone send me cbd well no oh shit you know what else fucking um the delta they won't sell me delta balls anymore
Alexoh they don't sell delta balls they won't they won't ship them to california and i don't know why i love the delta balls because it's very clearly a drug but this is california i know
MerlinI get weed delivered to my house in two hours. Oh, Alex has stepped away. Is this going to be one of those things where Alex doesn't know they've changed mics?
AlexOh, no. Oh, hello. Good morning. Good morning. No, no. I was sorry. I'm sorry. I was stretching to get my box of... See? See, everybody? If you don't go to patreon.com slash Dubai Friday, you're going to hear this. This was given to me by CBD Kratom because I was sad. No, it's a big box of Kratom. I'm like, oh, thank you.
MerlinI feel like that's, isn't Kratom dangerous? Don't we worry about Kratom?
AlexOkay, I don't know. We don't talk about Kratom. I'm sorry. You were talking about ads.
MerlinAnd I'm not trying to throw any particular thing under the bus, but like, I don't know. It's just, it could be a little bit frustrating. It's a tough racket. But on to happier times. Good morning, Delta balls. I want my Delta balls. I want that tiny little bit.
AlexI know a place. You know what? I can hook you up. CBDKratom.com.
MerlinI've got regular gummies, gummy edible things. It's just that I like the tiny little, like, oh, what are those fruit candies? Not runts, but what's the little fruit candies? I don't know.
AlexI live in Illinois. I need to go to like a-
MerlinNo, no, no, no, no, no. Sorry. Sorry. Sorry. Not Illinois. Childhood.
AlexLemon heads?
MerlinNo, I love lemon heads. Or lemon drops? But no, it's not Skittles. It might be Skittles. Yeah, maybe I'm thinking of Skittles. These are basically like malformed Skittles. They don't look very scientific. But you eat it and it's tangy yum. And it's got just a little bit of Delta. And they won't ship them to Delta balls. I wanted to do the re-up and they wouldn't do it with me.
AlexOh, interesting. Interesting. Well, maybe the farmer act that Mitch McConnell apparently put through is not valid in California. I don't know. They really love putting that.
MerlinThat was quite a non sequitur. Okay.
AlexNo, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. Farmer Act? What did you say? Farmer Ted? I will find a picture for notes because the reason that THC, the Delta 8 and THCO can be sold legally and it's federally legal is because of a clause that Mitch McConnell, and it is a, I guess it was a law that was on, or a bill that was on the fence and went into law because of Mitch McConnell. and that's just they just like putting that on everything okay i mean anybody i've ever like any
package that has had the delta stuff on it i just think it's funny but they're like it used to be so
Merlinfunny when you go into a head shop when i was in college um do you know that term that is the place where the the bongs are yeah they may sell they sell pipes and bongs they sell papers um but it used to be so funny you go in this one that was in a strip mall that we used to go to sorry sorry
Alexi'm so white that i'm like wait what papers what the fuck like like rolling papers right well
Merlinbecause you get sick of smoking it out of an apple or a coke can yeah no i'm just and you've already taken all the screens out of all the faucets on campus but you go in there and it's just like it's not enough that it is they have whippets they've got rush they got whippets they got Rush, they got bongs, so many bongs, so many pipes, so many papers. Yes, they will sell you screens. They've got it all. And of course, yes, they've got big marijuana leafs on the wall and stuff, but there's signs everywhere, chock-a-block,
that say, pipes are for smoking tobacco only. Yeah.
Speaker AYep, yep, yep.
MerlinIt's like the thing where you go to the swap meet, and oh, I'm going to sell you this nut and a bolt for $2, and it comes with a free beer. It's like, ha ha, you You found the one vulnerability in the system.
Good challenge. This challenge, I think, is yours.
AlexIt was mine because I was sort of addressing the chicken problem in which I'm like, I know people, like some people don't have any iPads and I have like six. Well, I don't actually have six iPads, but I do have... But it'd be okay if you did.
MerlinIt would be okay if you did.
AlexIt would be okay if I did. It would be okay. It would be okay. That's okay. Who's dying because I have six iPads?
MerlinWho died and made you the iPad librarian?
AlexYeah, yeah. You know what? Oh, that would be really cool. Oh, especially with universal control. Oh my God. Okay. I'm sorry. I'm getting ahead of myself.
MerlinI'd like to meet a universal control librarian. I'd be very, she kicks off her glasses. Hubba hubba. Touch to continue.
AlexOh God. I have the original iPad Pro and it's worth like five. I was like, well, should I sell this? Like how much would someone buy this for? And the answer is about $15. Except I would have to pay for shipping. Yeah. I'm like, this is literally as much. It looks like a lunch tray, and it's now the same cost as one.
MerlinI've still got my 17-inch MacBook, if you want it, or PowerBook.
AlexOh, well, that's a relic.
MerlinThe challenge was to find a new purpose for a decommissioned or disused iPad. Is there anything you can think of to put it back into action for something that's useful, even if it's not your everyday carry?
AlexYes, and oh boy, oh boy, did I have...
MerlinOh boy, oh boy.
AlexOh, boy, oh, boy, oh, boy. I had quite a bit of fun with this.
MerlinOh, I can't wait to hear. Mine are really boring. Should I do mine quick and get them out of the way?
AlexWell, no, mine are boring, too, but they've already made a significant difference. Like, the most boring one, clock. I know, I know. But literally, no one wants this iPad. But then I was like, oh, wait a second. Wait a second. There are all these amazing home apps that-
MerlinI love that implication of how I'm embarrassed to admit that I have two Apple Watches. Because it makes me sound fancy. And it's like, well, no, I had a watch and I bought another watch. Nobody in our house needs a watch. Should I just throw it away? What do you imagine I should do with this Series 2 Apple Watch? I mean, I made one into a kitchen magnet, a very old one.
AlexOh, gosh, that's adorable.
MerlinI love making things into kitchen magnets. You just get you a little super glue, Gorilla Glue. I made a bunch out of the keys from my Logitech Bluetooth keyboard. Put a real strong magnet on the back, and now you've got fun magnets. I'm practically an Etsy.
AlexThat's adorable. Oh, my goodness.
MerlinIf it had pubes on it, it would be an Etsy.
AlexI have my original Apple Watch in one of those little – it's a silicone watch charger, but it looks like a Mac SE. Oh, I have one of those. I got one of those. Yeah. Yeah. It just sits there. It's cute. And I'm like, whatever.
MerlinBut you know what I'm saying? Like, I mean, it's when I, the voices in my head are arguing with each other because I go, I, I think to myself, I can't let the world know I have two Apple watches. Suddenly I'm worse than that guy. Was it the guy from path? Remember the guy who had two iPhones, like an iPhone for day and an iPhone for night. And like, he got, he got, just if I think it was path who also was gobbling up your contacts, but I could be getting some of this wrong, But there was a douchebag who was kind of a douchebag. And in this interview, he mentioned he has two phones.
And like, well, I mean, it sounds crazy for all kinds of reasons. Obviously, we're supposed to make fun of this guy. Well, the truth is, if you want to have a separate iPhone that's just for life and not work, is that the worst idea in the world? There are people who own two Porsches and this guy's not allowed to have two phones?
Alexlike he would it's kind of like with for and with with me and like nfts it's like no no i get why like yes they are bad and we should hate them but like maybe we should try to hate them for the the right reasons so that like i'm merlin's not saying this alex is saying this but like if you're hating this guy who has stolen all of your contacts and has all of this vc money that he's not sharing with his employees.
MerlinOh, I see what you're saying. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I see. It's more fun to hate it for the right
Alexreason. Yeah. No, I don't know. Like, it just seems so silly.
MerlinBut the voice in my head, the first voice in my head goes, never let the world know that you have two Apple Watches because you sound like a piece of shit. And then the other voice in my head goes, well, okay, so voice number one, like what is the... It's sort of like, you know, a thing where I'm kind of obsessed with how much People are obsessed with hypocrisy. I'm double obsessed. Like the hypocrisy thing. Like as soon as you call someone a hypocrite, game over. They don't have a career. They don't have a life. They just have to go slink into a corner because I've claimed that you are a hypocrite.
Setting aside that, well, they probably not and they may not be a hypocrite. Does it matter? What the fuck are you talking about? Did they just improve? Are they less shitty than they used to be? Does that make them a hypocrite? But the thing that I would find myself saying, at least to voice number one in that case, was, okay, I'm a hypocrite, so now what?
AlexIt's like, okay.
MerlinYeah, exactly. So there's a lot of stuff where in my braver days, if there were a real voice and not enough to imagine voices, I would say, okay, and so then what? Or, and now what? Like, oh, you got two watches. You're a piece of shit. Okay, and now what? Did that change the way that you feel about me, voice one? well you know should i throw it away should i donate it should i just throw it at a goodwill and hope it lands somewhere but like why would i not have multiple ipads because when you buy oh you know i hate i hate voice the voice number one is such a piece of shit i hate voice number
Alexone yeah no i i agree and also hey if you're in chicago uh and you do actually want to donate shit free geek uh free geek chicago um only because put it in notes uh i will only because literally oh god this is see it's not terrible because you know what every six years you do need to get a new laptop if you edit video it just happens but you know that that laptop might be good for something else but usually it's not usually it just sucks it's old and broken but
Merlinyou know it's just like we talked about this extensively last week if y'all didn't hear it but that logical fallacy, supposedly, that I learned about relative privation. It's just like, boy, talk about, I know John Syracuse doesn't like skeleton keys. Talk about skeleton keys for understanding shit. Like in the same way that calling somebody a hypocrite ends the conversation, once you voice one, voice number one pulls out relative privation, it is game over. You have been pwned, give up, go away,
donate your life to the lord and never have sex with steven again you don't deserve it you are you are a bad person and um anyway we're rich so we have ipads
Alexplease uh give us your fucking money.com patreon.com slash do by friday what about people who can't even afford electric uh when i literally used to feel incredibly guilty for having more than one iphone charger that that and that was absolutely a thing especially in college like it was like whoa how far into inventing anna are you oh i'm um well i have watched all of it and now you got in morocco oh god yes morocco that dumb bitch um sorry i when i saw episode
Merlinsix and i put i said this on twitter and i wasn't saying this to be thirsty but i the the joke part was that they, the joke-ish part was that there should be a content warning on this for declined credit cards. The true part of that was, no, my wife and I were both incredibly stressed out by this episode because that's one of my gravest fears.
Speaker AYeah.
MerlinSo Mr. Fancy 2 iPads, just for what it's worth, every time I run my card, anytime I go to an ATM, anytime I spend money anywhere, my heartbeat increases and I wait to find out. I wait for that word approved because there's so many times that it didn't work, that it's been declined. And it's like, ugh, it's so traumatic. Maybe, again, no, oh, let's excuse my trauma because, oh, look at Mr. Fancy. He couldn't buy his ninth iPad. So he's stacking up and making it into a little playhouse
for his dumb fucking kid. I mean, my kid has a house of iPads. So I've been...
AlexYou're the funny voice. Oh, the funny voices. so better to put it to some use so okay so yes uh one was uh it's actually an adorable clock um and then where do you put the clock where do you put it up i have i have it right now i have it uh 3m taped to uh my like kitchen cabinet because my kitchen does not have a clock except for the
Merlintiny little one on the microwave yeah i've got a google home hub right here that i just mainly use because i want a giant clock i finally got a shelf i'm going to put it on the wall just because i want a giant fucking clock to look at and it didn't occur to me i could probably do that with
Alexa permanently plugged in ipad and well and and now um i do have it turned off like um i have hey hey dingus uh turned off on that ipad but if you want to control um whatever media it's it's also right
Merlinthere and it's nice oh absolutely well that's and this is where the amazon family does have a huge advantage that i wish apple would consider which is that i mean last time i checked i'm not gonna say any of the words you could say the a word you can say the e word you could say computer you can say another one and the new one i think is ziggy no really no right yeah but like you know one problem i'm trying to go not all in but increasingly toward google hubs because i just
i like them better and i trust them more and there's something about my mouth we're saying hey and the name of that company or okay and the name like google google google adding anything in front of google my mouth has trouble saying whereas the a word i have no problem with the s word i have no problem with but that's my only downside so far it's just hard for me to say that That is good. And part of it is, I think, one thing to think about if you're looking at your old devices is, like, I think of an iPad as being maybe first and foremost very portable and being something that the beauty of it is, like, you know, the batteries have gotten better over the years.
You charge it and you run around with it. But, like, if you say instead, what if instead this is just a screen that stays plugged in somewhere? That gives you a lot of options for what you could do with this. Right. Don't you think I mean, just paradigmatically getting your mind right with the fact that you don't have to worry about battery. Excuse me. Makes you if you think of this as something that's installed rather than placed. Does that change the way you think about it? And I find that for me, that's very true.
AlexWell, and the thing that I have not done yet, but I plan to because universal control is coming, which is if people don't know, it's where you can use whatever.
MerlinI'm using it right this second, and it's the tits.
AlexIt's so goddamn good. Right, right? And I really don't use my iPads to, like, well, we can talk about the computer that I'm so horny for, but I don't really use them anymore. So I do the thing where I'm like, should I sell them? Oh, I know. I'm the same way. I'm already the same way. But now I'm like, wait a second. I can just, I can use the stuff that I absolutely adore about the iPad just right at my desk. and I'm going to have one of those stupid little arm mounts on there. I don't know.
I'm really excited for that. And I almost installed the beta, but then was like, hmm.
MerlinI think it's coming pretty soon.
AlexGood, good, good, good. I hope that I come pretty soon, too. Anyway, that's what I did with my iPads. What I want is a nice little picture frame for it, too. And unfortunately, this one is too old to run iOS whatever. So I can't have it automatically change, like use shortcuts to open up a photos album app at a certain time.
But that would be cute, too. I like having a digital photo album. They're cute. They're dumb. I love it. All right.
MerlinOh, I mean, I'm telling you, the Google Home Hub is so goddamn good at that. And well, yeah. OK, great. So you've got this dingus. It does a lot. Sorry, voice number one. I hate that voice. But it's so much better than the Amazon product because the Amazon product, as stipulated, they're constantly sneaking in. It's called the Amazon View, I think is what it's called. I don't know if it's Amazon View, but View is the name of the Amazon lady in the tube. Show, show, show. That's what I meant to say.
AlexBecause they're showing you shit you don't want to see. Oh, my God.
MerlinBut there's so many. Remember the one that would help you pick your wardrobe?
Speaker AOh, my God.
AlexYes. Yes. I had the privilege of trying that. It was amazing.
MerlinIt was the worst.
AlexIt was. No, no. I didn't have to pay for it. Shut up.
MerlinNo, I'm joking. Privilege, privilege, privilege. But anyway, like, I've loved the show for, like, what I used it for, which is, like, a thing on my desk that's a clock and frame that can play Hulu. It plays live. You can play live TV from Hulu. But there's this creeping bullshit where they're constantly adding new stuff to the screen, and then you have to go and turn it off. There's so many radio buttons that you have to go in and check periodically to see what else they've snuck in. Do you want to get rotating headlines that involve recipes about kale?
No, never. Don't ever put anything on there except this one photo, the time, and the weather. That's really the – I don't want headlines. I don't want suggestions. I don't want it to, like it notices motion in the room and so it starts putting stuff up. Come use me. You know, in talking about the streaming apps last night with Syracuse, one of the things I said was a lot of these apps, if I had to summarize it in a not very useful way, I want my streaming apps to be like the Charles de Gaulle airport.
I want it to be an airport with very good signage. But instead, I feel like I'm just constantly being, I say, where am I? And as soon as I say, where am I, I'm dropped into a casino. It's like the difference between good signage in an airport versus a casino. One place that understands you are constantly, until you arrive back at your house, you're always going someplace else when you travel. Even if that's someplace else is to get a Wetzel's Pretzels or to take a leak or to find a terminal, right? You're constantly going somewhere. And good signage in an airport makes it less difficult to find your way, right?
But like in the opposite of that, in some ways, it's a casino where it's well known that like we avoid right angles. We avoid clocks. We avoid natural light. We avoid all the things that give you a cue, not simply how long you've been here and consequently how much money you've spent, but like that there is a world outside of here that you could interact with. And I don't know, with the Amazon products, I do feel like they constantly want to add at least one slot machine, like all the time. but anyway I love it for that
and what's neat is you can go into the very terrible Google Home app and say which ones of your Google Photos albums you want to use and you can use more than one or you can just have a clock but I think that's a cool idea
Alexand I'm also excited to set up potentially set up a push cut server that Chris Lawley is hopefully going to help me with because I'm like this is too much and too complicated but but again once you well and it does change the game when you're like this is something that lives here this is a monitor or this is this is a desktop like yes hooray it is
Merlinportable but it doesn't need to be i wish i could just there's a phrase we used to use on all on max back in the pre-os 10 days blessed you have a blessed system folder so like you could actually it's not a good idea but you could have multiple system folders on your mac very bad idea but But one of them was blessed. One of them was the one that was T-H-E system folder. And there's a lot of stuff in life like that, right? I wish I could have a blessed HomeKit hub. I wish I could say, make this particular HomePod mini the only thing that's ever a HomeKit hub for the house.
But I cannot see any way to turn it on or off. And as I say, that leads to things like Situatia where, oh, check it out. my home pot at home is the hub for my office i don't remember asking for that how do i turn that off you can't i wish i could bless it god and you're gonna so push cuts oh it's a it's i still
Alexi still don't really know how to explain it except it no you're gonna do stuff with it it's cool yes so i i did i didn't peanut butter but this is an ongoing uh project um much like tracking my energy, which is not as intense as your energy project, which we should talk about in, I don't know, after show. But what do you do? What do?
MerlinWell, I mean, you said peanut buttering. I didn't peanut butter, but because I've been doing this. So long story short, you know, we have a rotation in our house depending on like who needs a new thing. Sometimes people get a brand new one. Like if it's like the way my kid got my kid's first iOS device was an iPod touch that they got for like Easter. But usually, you know, like sometimes mom will get a watch for Christmas or whatever. But generally speaking, because I'm the fancy boy, when I get my latest and greatest,
I've decided it's a good time to get a piece of hardware. The first dibs goes to anybody who could use the old one before it becomes my second iPad. Like, you know what I mean? Like, so I think that's probably not unusual in Apple-centric or really just nerd-centric houses is like, you know, you can always find a use for the old one with like a person. You may not want to get a toddler, like an iPad pro, but you might give them like when you go on trips, you could use this one that you wouldn't miss if they dropped it,
which they will, you know what I'm saying? And so like in my case, a recent example of this that I mentioned here was that, so I bought the fancy iPad last year, 12.9 and I've got that one. I've got a 10 point, whatever that's not as fancy or new, but that's my kind of like go around do stuff iPad.
But anyway, I also had like a not that old iPad Pro that I was using at my office since, ironically enough, since Amazon started shitting the bed when I would ask it to play Hulu. I got on my Elgato multi-mount system. I mounted an iPad and I've been using that as sidecar. I've been using it now as universal control and I've been using it to watch Plex, Hulu, or whatever, and it's worked out fucking great.
It's just that I gave a pretty nice recent iPad to my lady friend and now I've got a different 12.9 hanging here on the multi-mount. And right now I'm watching in the background is a news conference about what's happening in Ukraine.
Elgato multi-mount is really cool. It's not pretty, but it's very cool.
Alexthat's the thing is i i wouldn't say i find it pretty but it's it it looks cool it looks stupid
Merlinit's absolutely not pretty i'm gonna i'm gonna take a photo of this it's it looks like it looks
Alexlike the cabinet of dr caligari i kind of want that i want a weird it's very expressionistic
Merlinand so the idea with the um oh you know shut up elgato makes this thing called the multi-mount they make so much good stuff right now they make stream deck right yeah yeah yeah they make they make the the capture card that everybody uses for you know the 4k capture card they they make so much great stuff they make key lights i've got key lights here but this multi-mount system exists to be a thing that you could screw on with a mount to a desk or whatever.
And then it's got a telescoping vertical, what would you call it, pole. And on top of that, it's got one of those, I don't know the names for these mounts, but the idea is that if you need to have stuff up in the air in your desk, maybe you're like a YouTuber that needs to, like a lockpicking lawyer type person that needs to have a camera overhead looking down. I would not try to do that on your own without some kind of pretty good mounting system. But then what's so it's neat. They sell that basic vertical thing.
But then they also sell really nice additions to that, including these arms that you can then clamp on. This is why I say it's not pretty. Arms that you can clamp onto the mount where you can. And then you can also have you can add these angle things like sort of like a mic stand attachment a little bit. But anyway, there's a way to get almost anything mounted on one of these. And it's really fucking cool. So that's the way to do it. It's off the desk. You're not taking up desk space with that. I mean, I would never do this at home.
I would be a single man if I tried to do this at home. But in my little officina, it works out great.
AlexAnd the best part, well, I mean, not the best part, but what makes it genuinely unique is they sell a base for it that's like 20 pounds so you can oh yeah if you don't want if you don't
Merlinwant it or can't clamp yeah but i mean once you get a bunch of these i mean i like i told you a couple weeks ago i i also keep in some of those little uh bins you turn me on to i have some that are just like a bunch of different cannibalized pieces and parts for attaching things to things all different screw mounts you know ways of mounting a camera uh the standard camera you know like quarter inch and however many there's you know what's that term you know what I mean yeah but like you know there's but like I keep all those around
and sometimes if there's a new project and I don't want to have to go buy more things I'll figure out how to take all these Frankensteins I've got like basically a five gallon bucket just full of things for tripods mounting mic stands all that stuff and then bins full of these different attachment boys and it's kind of a fun project it's almost like Lego or something or making a battle bot where I figure out how to get from this to that with as few steps as possible in the amount of adjustment that I need. And it's really fun. That's a long way of saying, so I got an iPad hanging here that I'll send to you.
Now, that's a very recent one. But owing to the fact that the rotation and passing down happened, I now am in possession of my wife's old iPad. And when I say it's an old iPad, I looked it up today. I went to a site where you can look up, you know, by serial number.
And this is, where is it? I want to find this. Oh, yeah. So this is a Madeline's huge iPad. I'm on applesn.info. And it's from, I think, 2015 is when it was released. And it's when they made big iPads.
AlexYeah, that's my boy because it's a big, big old clock.
MerlinIt's a 12.9, but it's a 12.9 with like a seven inch bezel.
AlexYeah. Yeah. It's big. And it takes lightning.
MerlinAnd it's lightning. You have to order the longest lightning cable. But I thought, huh, you know, I'm not going to just go throw this in a river. Like, what am I going to do with this? And I've been thinking about that. The thing I've been working on now with that one is to try and make it a dedicated reading device, especially for comics. It's certainly not as pretty as recent ones in terms of the screen. but it's fine for like if i want to read something in the dark in guided view or whatever so i've been working on getting um i mean i'm getting i all of my books and comic books are already places
you know and you know in the case of books that's all done with caliber um that's all synced through iCloud so basically i just anytime i can just go to files and grab any of my books makes it real easy. But yeah, that's the idea. Now, okay. So then what I haven't done that we need to talk about, the elephant in the room, how much thought have you given to making, again, this is a single person's thing. Have you given any thought to making it into some kind of a control pad for
Alexyour home and life? Yeah. If I could have an iPad, exactly what you said, an iPad mini or fuck, Even just like, let's say, one big-ass iPad Pro that people, Matthew and I are like, oh, yes, this is the bleep-bloop machine. I would love that, but it's not possible.
MerlinFor example, do you have HomeDash? Do you use HomeDash?
AlexYeah. Wait, that's on Mac as well, right?
MerlinHomeDash on iPad, you basically create these different screens with HomeKit things on it. I mean, it seems like it would be really easy to use something. I don't know if there's a better specific purpose-built thing for this, but you could, with a big-ass iPad, you could fit a lot of shit on there.
AlexYeah, no, this is what it – but that's the issue is, like, that's how, like, the mounted one works, essentially. but I, it's still, I don't know. I want that. Like if I were to be, Hey dingus, I want that to answer first or some, I don't know. Apple, just give me something with a display, please, please. And even if I can't like poke at it, I, I don't, I just want like it to, it to show, uh,
for like when um a shortcut doesn't run usually it should at least say what went wrong whereas when you tell the home pod to do something it's like it's taking a little long to respond
Merlinit's not responding this is taking a long time yeah i know and that's my fault how
Alexand um please please i i don't know if that answers your question yes i would i would love
Merlinthat. There's another one I learned about, I think, from one of the shovel blogs. I'm trying to remember the name of it. Which one did I put this on? It's like a widget maker for HomeKit stuff. Have you seen this? I mean, I know that's something that's included. Oh, here we go. I think this is it. Home Widget. Have you seen Home Widget? No. Home Widget. It's really cool. It's just, it's for making HomeKit widgets that can then live on your screen somewhere. So you go in.
AlexOh, interesting.
MerlinYeah, would you see? Does it make sense?
AlexYes.
MerlinSo you can put that in your Today View. You can put it on your home screen. You can get pretty specific about it. And there's a lot of nice granularity in terms of going in and making it look the way you want and do the thing you want. Do you want this to be a toggle? Do you want it to do whatever? But that might be even too nerdy for me. But the only way I'll find out is to do it. I'm not going to do it now because I'm so goddamn mad at HomeKit. I'm not going to waste any more time until they get their shit straightened out.
AlexWhat did the – oh, HomeKit, not Home Assistant.
MerlinHomeKit right now is – and like I said, I was so relieved, not happy, but relieved when Jason's report card came out and so many people reported – we talked about this – reported problems with HomeKit because I really felt like I must have broke something unusual. But my HomeKit shit has gotten so slow, so unreliable, and so random. Things turning on, things turning off. things that I've turned off turn back on later. Or, you know, for no reason. There's no automation associated with that. Why do our lights turn off at like 6.30 at night?
I don't know. Maybe I got hacked.
AlexWhat a fun way to hack somebody. Just like it turns, the lights turn brown every time we flush the toilet.
MerlinI'm not a product manager, but maybe one way to wonder how things, how well things are going with your product is to ask how many of them feel like they wonder if they've been hacked.
Speaker AThank you.