268. From Perfect to Daddy

AlexThis is Do By Friday, a weekly challenge podcast with Alex Cox and Merlin Mann. This week's challenge, celebrate Coxmas.

MerlinDon't put any of that in. Nope. Nope. Nope. Starting over. Hey, it's Do By Friday. Merry Coxmas.

AlexOh, gosh. You will notice because we are doing video. Oh, wait. Do that again. Do it again. Do it again.

MerlinOkay, everybody. This is my Apple Watch. Oh, what if I did my own ASMR channel? I'd be like... I could do all Merlin sounds.

AlexOh.

MerlinYou know?

AlexNow, if you were to, say, endorse my ASMR channel, what would an Alex sound be?

MerlinThat's a very good question. I received, I'm in a receipt of a text message from John Syracuse.

AlexOh, no.

MerlinAnd he told me about something that I think is going to dovetail with this. No, no Spotify. Go. Oh, no. Oh, excuse me. Speaking of John Syracuse, he sent me a link. A Japanese professor has developed this. A Japanese... Oh, God.

AlexWe tested this.

MerlinHere's the trick. You got to drink half water and half air.

AlexOh, I've got some water and air. This could be an ax sound. You know what? I've never done this. We're going to compare the sound of a LaCroix.

MerlinThis is how you get rid of hiccups, according to Syracuse.

AlexOh. And this is a Diet Coke. I think some of this is different.

MerlinThis is not the show. A Japanese professor. Oh, sorry. A Japanese professor has developed a prototype lickable TV screen that can imitate food flavors, another step towards creating a multisensory viewing experience. And I said, oh, my God, Alex. I'm sorry, John. I know I'm not supposed to do this. I think this is safe. Oh, my God. Alex is going to flip. and your very dear friend John Succese said they already have the taste TV they want unflavored.

AlexOh. And I said

Merlinwhite. You would like the white flavor.

AlexI would like the white flavor. Mmm. Mmm. Mmm.

MerlinAren't you supposed to get one of those heads if you're going to do the binaural ASMR? Aren't you supposed to get real human ears and do this stuff? Alex, you ready for this? Okay, everybody. Welcome back.

And you lick your mic. Oh, gross. Oh, it's fuzzy.

AlexThere's cat hair. There's cat hair. No, I hate this. Oh, my cat. It's a show.

MerlinAnd, you know, it's the most wonderful time of the year, as the great Andy Williams would say.

AlexOh.

MerlinThis is the time of year where.

AlexAlex.

MerlinWe open on a stage. There's a deer drinking crystal clear water. No, you're on a stage, we're on a stage, and Linus is on a stage wearing, like, probably a slightly offensive towel on his head. The lights go down, and Linus is going to talk about the shepherds abiding in the field. Wait. Or as Mickey Rooney says, in the one other one.

AlexDid you just cancel a Charlie Brown Christmas? I'm sorry.

MerlinAnd on that, the holiest of nights, Alexandra told us the story about the three wise they who came to town. It's Christmas. Cocksmash. Fuck. Fuck. Shit. Candle Nights, no cursing, no cursing.

AlexNo cursing.

MerlinI'll start the show. What's the origin of Coxmas? I mean, we know you love the Christmas holiday of Scandal Nights.

AlexYeah, I'm more into Christmas. Well, not Christmas.

MerlinHow did Coxmas start? How did the Coxmas tradition of dragging people for their shitty iPhone screens, how did that start out?

AlexI believe in 2010. 10. Yes, it's been, I believe, 10 years based on my screenshots that I could find in photos. And some, remember when we didn't have screenshots? Now, anyway, cut, cut, cut, cut that, cut that.

MerlinI remember when you didn't have copy and paste. Cut that, cut that, cut that.

AlexAnd then Adam Lysiker made copy and paste, which I still think is this.

MerlinHe invented that. He invented that. He came up with the whole tab idea.

AlexOh, Adam Lysiker.

MerlinAnd now you can scan text. I scan text all the time.

AlexScan?

MerlinAll the time.

AlexOh, God.

MerlinWell, you know, now you get the little thing. Like when I'm entering in my data for my devices, I use Home Dash. I have so many of these dudes' apps. Home Dash is the one where you enter the information.

AlexOh, yes, yes, yes.

MerlinYour code for HomeKit and the serial number. And I point it at my dingus, and I get the serial number, and I hit scan text.

AlexIt is the fanciest.

MerlinThis is the worst episode. We're eight minutes and four seconds. This is the worst episode we've ever done.

AlexNo, scanning text is important. Everyone should use it and know about it. But cut that, cut that. Marker. Coxmas started about a decade ago when I was lonely and sad at a family holiday gathering. I believe it was Thanksgiving, actually. And as a joke, I put on Twitter, hey, hashtag Merry Coxmas. Everyone show me my screen, your screensavers and home screens, and I will tell you why they are bad.

And it was just a bit because this was the heyday of the tech Twitter reply guy. So not necessarily – you wouldn't get a bunch of nasty, sexist, transphobic, racist replies. But you would get – well, actually, it's tabs, not spaces. I don't know. Something, something, computers.

MerlinYeah.

AlexSo I just started –

MerlinTo quote – I think it was Letterman. I'll probably get this wrong. I think it was David Letterman who said, please don't bring your own jokes.

AlexYeah, yeah.

MerlinAnd then – So he'd say something with like a little bit of sexual innuendo and he would go, please don't bring your own jokes, which should be my Twitter bio.

AlexAnd I decided that jokes would not leave the room and I just made fun of people.

MerlinAnd you were really mean in a good way. It scared the shit out of me. I have only very recently come around to – now that I know that you are mostly a decent person.

AlexMostly.

MerlinMostly. I feel better about it but Emma wouldn't do it Emma's scared to text with you did you know

Alexthat I'm afraid to text with her okay

Merlinoh that's great so that sounds like a very healthy queer relationship my U-Haul daughter

Alexyou made it gay and it didn't have to oh gosh

Merlinno no I that's part well no okay cut that

AlexI'm an elder I am a queer elder and I I love saying it because it makes me sound like I'm a legendary Pokemon.

MerlinAre you super rare? That's a real Pokemon reference. I got it. I don't know what your element is. Maybe that's Avatar. I think you're a Vulvasaur.

AlexThat's a Vulvasaur.

MerlinIs that already a thing? Did I make a joke that's already a joke?

AlexNo.

MerlinIsn't that a guy?

AlexWell, that's what that is. That's a Bulbasaur.

Merlinoh and cubo is the one with the hat to hit the man with the stick that's that's cubo he loves

Alexhis mommy yeah yeah that's why he wears wears her scalp or not scalper no i mean skeleton of her

Merlinskull it looks it's like it's like you know it's like uh you know captain kirk says you know as long as we find a way to remember her and if you could wear her skull you know why not and so that That has become an annual – and also we know – the jokes have left the room. Cut that, cut that. But you generally do love Christmas time. You love snow. This is a – if everything is lining up right chemically, this is a good time of year for you.

AlexOh, my goodness, yes. Despite the fact that Chicago is literally freezing even though we don't have snow, I love snow. I love winter. I love Christmas.

MerlinYou got Omicron.

AlexYes.

MerlinYou got 8,000 shootings.

AlexRight. uh it's it's been a hell of a year chyrakas what did trump call us i forget it was really good

Merlinhave you seen the guy who plays shawnee uh shawnee have you seen his trump impression no oh you're gonna and we'll save that for later we can do the end of the show alex alexander before we i want to hear more about christmas cut that um wait are you a christmas person i know do you not like presents family we'll talk about shawnee's trump impression in the after show shawnee where can people find the after show oh oh hello hi uh you can check out patreon.com slash dubai friday or give us your fucking money.com

somehow this is this is an ambitious episode so there's going to be some video there's going to some other video i'm not sure how this is going to go uh you might have to you know sit as we have an air conditioner installed for an hour we're not really sure how this is going to work out uh but you can go to that and you can give us money so that we can uh have money and oh i i can

Alexget the new twinkly lights after after are there new twinkly lights yes yes so how he got me onto

Merlinthose a couple years ago and they're they're mad do you have you use them yes i you put them on something you point your goddamn phone at it and your phone helps figure out which lights are which what fucking sorcery how does that work it's insane you know what i'm talking about right

Alexyeah that's what and you can oh god does it have like marker are there like marker or like

Merlinuh tracer bulbs where like it looks for it has a couple i don't know how the new new ones work

Alexbecause I'm poor. Everybody give us your fucking money.com.

MerlinThat's true.

AlexIt has like certain, it's like a light will blink, right? And it's like, yes, I know where that is. And then based on that.

MerlinAnd then you're doing the heavy lifting of you're the 3D element because you're moving around it. It's incredible. We put on my kids' baby tree last year.

AlexI'm not feeling Christmas this year.

MerlinAnd I'm not against Christmas at all. And I'm not, in particular, I'm not against Christmas this year. I'm just not really feeling it. And I don't think anybody in our household is super feeling it. And, you know, don't bring your own jokes, but don't bring your own facts. It could be lots of things, but, like, it's just – it's hard to commit fully. Part of it is our kid's 14. It's not like when she was three. I think that is – but there's no one thing. It's just like some years I feel it more than other years. And I thought I was going to be super into it this year, and I'm not.

I'm a happy person. Look at me. I'm practically manic. I've got a stoke.

AlexWhat the fuck? A Stoke?

MerlinI was introduced to the Stoke. This is Stoke, which my daughter now drinks as well. Yeah, Diacoke.

AlexI'm not sweating.

MerlinStoke Extra Bold. I first became aware of the Stoke family of products because at 7-Eleven, you know, you get a little creamer, like, you know, for coffee? Yeah. They had Stoke caffeine. So you could get, imagine a coffee creamer, except instead of a coffee creamer, it's just a tiny little container of caffeine that you can top off.

AlexOh, excuse me. Oh, wow. it's extremely dangerous shit wait like too much caffeine how is by dangerous no you know what it

Merlinis it's like i don't want to say girls really anybody in college who hasn't had a lot of drinks before is introduced at a party to something like everclear or even tequila but especially everclear it's like your body that's how you get alcohol poisoning because your body will be so fucking wrecked on alcohol before you have time to slow down. It's like if you eat too fast, your hypothalamus can't keep up with how fast you're eating. Ditto here. You can accidentally overdose on caffeine. Super bad.

But anyway, Stoke rules. Hello. This is brought to you by Stoke.

AlexWhat is the glowing endorsement? Could you have too many of those jugs? That's a word for tits, too.

MerlinJugs. Tits. Tits.

AlexThere are so many words. I wish we had more words for butts.

MerlinYesterday my daughter photoshopped it. She and her friend were arguing about whether the rock has normal nipples. And because there's some photos where his nipple looks like it's kind of like not in the right place. Maybe it's all that cod. But she showed me she had photoshopped an image where she'd moved the rock's nipples for a photo. And I said, that's going to be fun. Now you know this about me, Alex. I said that's going to look good on a very large screen in a courtroom someday. You know, where somebody comes up and they're all like, well, I just had a couple quick questions about how you Photoshopped the rock nips.

Is that a thing that you do in your family? Is that how you treat one of our great stars?

AlexIt's the Mary Rock Nips.

MerlinLook at me on Chuck Schumer.

AlexOh, oh, oh, I can see it now.

MerlinOr every blogger in 2003.

AlexWait, is that how everybody wore those?

MerlinOh, that was a very popular one. Oh, that was a very popular one. The photo of yourself looking like this.

AlexOh, I can't see.

MerlinOh, no. Let's start the show. And so Coxmas continues. And Alex, for bringing stuff to speed for 2021, you asked people on the internet to send images of their home screen.

And they tacitly agreed to be dragged.

AlexFor hours. I think I sent you mine. You did. It's included in a slideshow presentation I've created.

MerlinThis is your show, but I just want to let you know amongst my many tools here, I do have some props that I would love to share with you if that comes up. Just to give you a heads up that I do have some hardware. Oh, good. I also do have – I think I sent you this as well. The other morning I was full of beans. I woke up early, and I sent you the oldest home screen screenshots I could find, which for me was October 2008. and a bunch of other ones over the years. So just so you know, if you run out of ideas, there's always that. You can drag me personally.

AlexI mean, the thing is, people who choose to participate in this made-up holiday that I've created, that's incredibly stupid.

MerlinEvery holiday is made up, Alex.

AlexThat's true. You know, as the Lord and Savior of all home screens, I think people are pandering to me a little bit. Like, there weren't that many bad ones.

MerlinYou think they're trying to get your goat, trying to provoke you a little bit?

AlexNo. No. Like, one way or the other, basically. Like, the aesthetic is clearly the Cox's aesthetic or just clearly just making the aesthetic.

MerlinDo you have an idea in your head about what represents? I mean, will this be time to mention what do you—

AlexWell, should we get into it? Should I—I don't know.

MerlinShit, yeah. Bring it on. Fingers crossed.

AlexOh, boy. Where are you? Let's—

MerlinLet's please be able to share. Alex is fronting like they didn't do a lot of work for this. I really didn't, honestly. But my sense is that Alex did a lot of work for it.

AlexI did a lot of thinking about it.

MerlinI did a shit ton more than I did. All I did was polish my Android. Look how clean it is.

AlexOh, this should be showing up. Oh, the ugly version is showing up. Oh, no, it's not. No, it's not. I, it's, screen sharing has failed to start. Please start again later. Why? Oh my God. Why? Okay, hold on. Why though? Why?

MerlinSharing the screen. We already, we ran all, we went through all this in the pre-flight already.

AlexI know. And it made me so happy.

MerlinOh, there we go. Oh, wow. There we go.

AlexBut it's, it's not the presentation mode.

MerlinOh, it's not in the right mode.

AlexIt's, that's not full screen. Can you see?

MerlinDo you have any flame, do you have any flame transitions in this?

AlexNo, I took them all out because they didn't work on Zoom. In fact, I got very upset. And actually, wait, I'm upset. Cut that, cut that, cut that.

MerlinThis is that bad presentation culture I always end up talking about. You know? Oh, boy, are you going to get pixelation?

AlexNo.

MerlinWhat's happening?

AlexOh, I'm definitely going to get pixelation. But were you actually going to – you had the best – what was it? Best worst presentation at a South by Southwest?

MerlinYeah, yeah. Eddie Baio did a thing at South by Southwest and asked a few people to come and participate in something called the worst website ever. And the notion was that you would – and so he talked to a few friends and we all agreed to come up. And that's when I met David Friedman. You know, Ironic – no, David Friedman from Ironic Sands. I met him. I met a bunch of people. And people came up – Ironic Sands. God, that guy is funny. And the idea is you come up and you do a pitch for the worst website ever.

And I did – if I'm being honest, I won with something called Flocked Up, which is the new social network for thought leaders. And it's probably the greatest thing I've ever done. And it includes – people want to talk about how it's Friday and they're done with their email. I would rather hear about Flocked Up because that is the one where I had a flame transition that involved an Ethernet cable going into the planet Earth with a flame.

AlexOh, did you mark that out via a frame?

MerlinI don't remember. Maybe all I don't remember. I think what it was is it's this shitty stock art of Earth with an Ethernet. Like an RJ whatever that is in it. And I think what I did was I had a green dollar sign appear with a flame transition. But it got a laugh.

AlexWe know they enjoy a small icon that lets them know what other thought leaders think of them.

MerlinAnd that's going to be part of the entire process. I'm going to put this on the table for you. What we're going to do is literally create an environment in which you can monetize the personal information of every single person you know.

AlexI'm just thinking. I wonder if it was one of those where it was a hold for a laugh or if it was –

MerlinI was really nervous, and I was talking really fast, and it actually went way better than I expected.

AlexThis is going better than I expected because I can't make any jokes that don't land.

MerlinBecause you got your vulvasaur back there.

AlexMy vulvasaur is just flailing in the wind.

MerlinWhat does Judy say on Righteous Gemstones?

AlexSeason two is coming.

MerlinI didn't even know it was in development. The flashback episode when she's a little kid and what does she say? Oh, that makes my bird flap or something like that.

AlexShe's talking about her vagina. oh i didn't know what what meat flaps were well i guess i knew what they were technically that's a meat flaps meat flaps urbandictionary.com that's not gonna i just thought it kind of looked like a medium well prime rib okay oh boy now merlin you can see my slideshow everybody should be able

Merlinto see my slideshow if you go to the slideshow this is going to be a real thin episode yes it

AlexIt will be. I was so upset because I thought that Keynote came with the original font slash text with whatever the fuck. Typeface. Typeface. There we go. I'm a nerd. Steve Jobs, not originally, but put on the screen.

MerlinOh, sure, sure, sure.

AlexHe became famous, I guess.

MerlinThat's in our doc right now. Are you getting this? It's the three things.

Alexbut no and the original font i found somewhere i i almost pirated it but oh spoilers there's uh there's oh boy i don't have my video mirrored next to my vulvasaur my iMac pro is there so i'm doing this from my m1 macbook pro oh terrific yeah it's it's it's really quiet i'm looking at it now like it's that it's gonna like just die at some point because it's very quiet anyway this is what the iPhone keynote

was presented on, except the I tried to... It's giving me shivers. Yeah, but I couldn't torrent the actual original font and this is so exciting. And it is like people are selling it. It should be an NFT. Oh God, if it's like this was an NFT. But yeah, it was like $2,000. It's so silly. So I don't have Apple Myriad. The end. That's a good story. Oh gosh.

MerlinI used to use Myriad. It looks very dated now i used it on some of our album covers and now it looks very it looks very 90s it's i

Alexmean i love this gradient like i i intentionally kept my pointer here look it it's so that's so

Merlinterrible it's so terrible how are you not gonna have artifacts and banding it's so goddamn bad

Alexso bad oh all right let's let's do a little bit of a precursor to this again i was the original original person to yell at people for their home screens and that's because for the longest time Oh, God, home screens on iOS were so bad when it was called iPhone OS, which we'll see in some of our old screenshots. But do you remember this guy right here? Did you ever jailbreak your phone?

MerlinNo.

AlexOh, no. No, this was the city of store.

MerlinAnd now I'm acquainted with the jailbreakers.

AlexYes. Yes, this is public knowledge.

MerlinI don't have contact with the OG jailbreaker, but I work with his German companion. I mean, work with, work with. I mean, if anything goes wrong, I'm in Guardian. I wake him up and complain.

AlexWork with. Cut that, cut that, cut that. Family friendly.

MerlinI don't remember this at all. This pineapple man. Yes. Is this what appears when you're – oh, is that a progress screen for The Crack?

AlexYeah, it was preparing or parsing, pairing. I don't know what it was doing. I took a picture, I think, of me jail-raking my phone.

MerlinBefore you could have apps, you wanted to get Twitterific or similar on there. You jailbreak your phone, and that gives you the ability. Oh, boy.

AlexYes.

MerlinOh, I'm sorry. Is that you? Is that you or me?

AlexThis is me.

MerlinOh, my God. That looks so much like mine.

AlexYeah, because it was a freak who followed your every word on Tumblr.

MerlinOh, shit. Let me see if I can find this. Oh, my God. You would not believe how much. I don't know how I would show this on yours. I think we've already done enough with technology for this. Damn it. I don't know how to show you this. But mine is so similar. Mine is so forestall.

AlexWell, this is this. Oh, I think one of. Yes. The one on the left. Oh, these are these are yours because.

MerlinOh, shit. Really? Wait, wait, go back. Okay. Let's see. Yes. Yeah. Yes. Oh, shit. Those are mine. I was on edge in that one. Okay. So I think let's see the one on the left, I think, is my super old one. Oh, Dialvetica. Do you remember that?

AlexYes.

MerlinI was a pretty dialing program.

AlexYes. There was Dialvetica, like Calvetica, and –

MerlinCalvetica was cool looking. Yes. Yeah.

AlexWhat is a camera bag?

MerlinA camera bag I think was an early fuck with effects kind of thing. I also want to just point out and credit. I pointed this out to my kid. I think this is something – this became something close to conventional wisdom at a point. I don't know if it is anymore. But I believe it was the great Nevin Mergen who said, There's only one place that your camera app should ever go, and that's in the upper right-hand corner. I said, do you know why to my daughter who doesn't care about these things? So now how would I know that? I said, well, because – and I flip my phone over.

That's where the lens is. It's so smart. It's really smart. So anyway, Nevin Morgan, hey, long time no see. Immigrant paints dumpster. And then you got – what's the other one that was funny on here? Slicker. Look at the sunflower, the sunflower on photos. Look at that. That's terrible.

AlexOh, that's so bad. I'm just very upset by so much.

MerlinAnd you see, look in page one, Alexandra. Do you see Notsy and our beloved Elements?

AlexI miss Elements so much.

MerlinMy text files are still in a folder called Elements to this day. I know we've talked about it before, but I just want to be clear. It's the year of our Lord, the year of our Alex, 2021. I still have all my .mds in a file called Elements.

AlexI don't like it. But why is this folder called Page 1?

MerlinOh, because it's the apps that go on page 1.

AlexOkay, okay. Despite having 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11 pages. 11 pages, which was fine in 2007 and 2008.

MerlinYou know what? This is fine. Let it begin with me. Let Coxmas Bukkake down on me. That's fine. Since 2008, no, whenever apps came out, whenever, until App Library came along, I've always had more apps on my phone than I could see. So if every page, 10 pages full, I delete an app and another app shows up.

AlexWait, wait, wait. Oh, my God. I didn't even – oh.

MerlinOh, you can do it. You can totally do that. Yeah. Because here's the problem. It's a real pain in the ass, whether you're on Apple TV or whether you're here, it's a real pain in the ass to manage getting rid of apps. I used to open it up in iTunes connected with the 30-pin.

Hang on.

AlexOh, gosh.

MerlinAnybody remember this?

AlexA very important point. Oh, still. Well, the second best, I think, iPhone design. Merlin is holding what is either an iPhone 3G or an iPhone 3GS, which was plastic, but it had such a curved back. It looks like a bullet vibrator, really. Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh.

MerlinIt feels so good.

AlexI don't have it here, but I actually have a... Oh, I'm not on the spectrum. um but i mean i really like i really like trains um that's not a joke i looked at a train for you really like trains city hall has trains chicago city hall has christmas trains it's very exciting but i i should note that part of the reason we do this is because or we it used to be that you

couldn't search for apps there wasn't it's just it wasn't just spotlight spotlight changed the

Merlingame on that and i was showing my lady friend yesterday i said i don't know how much time you spent she got my hand-me-down she's got a 12 pro maxi giant now and i was like have you spent much time looking at spotlight because like it does everything now i mean it's i've gotten so late it's basically become like quicksilver for my phone i love it so it is it's so good and that's agenda was a calendar app in that that's back when instapaper i think that's when instapaper still had my uh my writing on it i think it still does no no they changed no it doesn't It's generic now.

It's generic.

AlexOh.

MerlinBut Birdhouse, of course, what a great app. What a great – but no, no, but you're right, Alex. But it's crazy-making because I wanted to be better at all these things, but I would just give up after a while. It's so funny that the same shittiness of the apps first being on here where you got to do and then drag and you pull – and you go up and it's like, oh, no, no, everything moved. Whether it's the home app on Mac, whether it's apps on iOS, or whether it is my Apple TV. I finally sat down and just said, that's it. I'm done with it. And I just deleted a whole bunch of shit from Apple TV.

And it still thinks I have stars.

AlexDid it take you like a half hour to do that? Because it took...

MerlinWell, what it did was as time allowed, I just kept putting them in a folder called delete. And then just went in and it's like five clicks to get rid of them. It's because, you know, you got to do the play button. You got to do the select. You got to – it's crazy. Anyway, this – what a time. But look at that cute little phone. It's so little. And now which one is this? I don't know which is which. And I'm not going to look it up. But here's – I think these are the two oldest ones. Either the oldest that I have or the oldest I could put my hand to.

It's very exciting. Oh, well, should it stay on the back? Wait, wait. This one's 16 gigs. So 16 gigs. And look at the camera. Oh, my God. It's so little.

AlexSuch a baby. That's before it was this. God, look.

MerlinClassic deceptive Apple. It's still too big.

AlexIt's still too big. It's too big.

MerlinYeah. It's too big. Oh, it really popped. Okay, so listen. Enough of this wallowing in hypocrisy. What a look. What a look. Look at Amazon. That's fine. Instacast. God, I love Instacast. The one on the right, I think, is pretty. I don't know when that's from, but that was a pretty classic era for me. That's really when I started. I was, man, loving the iPhone.

AlexThat's when I had my Merlin – oh, can I not go backwards on this? Yes, I can. Yes, I can. Yes, I can. There we go. I know how to present things. But this was my Merlin Man era with a paste bot before copy and paste was the thing that worked. I forget what Meebo – Meebo was probably like aim plus Twitter.

MerlinOh, Meebo is a – I think Meebo might have been a social thing. Like something –

AlexYeah.

MerlinProbably something Kevin Rose was interested in for a couple days, I'm guessing.

AlexMeebo. Hey, follow me on Meebo. Well, but you'll notice there are so many fucking badges on this home screen. And I hate, I hate, still hate, still hate badges. They're ugly. They're red. They're big. Which is what caused me to get into the jailbreak community, as we used to call it.

MerlinYeah. I think I told you this, but there was a calendar app. And it might have been Calvetica, but there was a calendar app where it turned – used the design language of iOS to utilize the notification badge to have the date of the month. So if it was Halloween, your notification badge said 31, which even thinking about it makes me upset.

Alexi that's the thing though is if the badges looked like what the what my jail broken badges are just just really quiet and in the background i i would have been fine with that this looks pretty good

Merlin3g so this is from like 2009 ish probably yeah yeah and i'm sorry i'm terrible at remembering all this stuff if i ever learned it but that looks good to me oh remember tweety oh gosh i remember all of them net newswire oh man how did it so like my kid now because of what she calls something called this uh the adjective aesthetic which is very troubling to me she well uh she didn't want to send it to you because she didn't know um if you like the

ungenesis evangelion because i think she's reskinned everything with that oh she was out for halloween she was out for halloween that boy and um but anyhow uh how how how how do it know like in this instance you got things how i mean like where the custom icons come from i mean it's not an icon that was on their app how you jailbreak it you get to like pick it do you have like a um res edit kind of thing how do you do this there was a well eventually there was

Alexit was called the city city store uh but yeah you could get like skins and then just it was it was really like changing up your iMac or iMac good lord oh like back in the day that was my first

Merlinexperience with Icon Factory was way way way way way back probably in the 90s I just I feel like I remember them having one for Star Trek they had one for I want to say and this is before Candy Bar oh oh they want they want for craft I think they made one for craft work maybe like they had but they had these crazy ways of like you could used to be you just get a folder full of images You get info. You copy. You paste. And the candy bar is the one that made that easier, right?

AlexYes. And the only reason I know that is because I couldn't do it. And the candy bar came. I broke my computer.

MerlinOh, no.

AlexI bricked something. Well, broke as in I bricked it.

MerlinI'm sorry. I keep interrupting you. Please celebrate Coxmas.

AlexOh, okay.

MerlinBy the way, am I supposed to be keeping score? Am I writing anything down? Will we remember who's who? Do I need to do anything for that that would help?

AlexHere's the thing. I used to literally keep score. There was a scorecard. There was a bingo card. I'm going to try to find it. But my –

MerlinOkay. I'm going to keep my own score.

AlexOkay.

MerlinYou know, sort of like John Sayles in Eight Men Out. I'm going to keep my own score. These are the black socks. And I'm going to try and keep track of what's going on. Did you ever see Eight Men Out? You ever see that movie?

AlexEight Men Out. That sounds like it could be easily adapted to a porn title.

MerlinOh, Eight Inches Out. That's good. I'm going to use that. Eight Inches Out. Okay.

AlexVery good.

MerlinI don't think Studs Terkel would want to – Studs Terkel, great name for a porn star.

AlexR.I.P. Oh, he was also a porn star.

MerlinR.I.P. to a real one. He wrote that book, Working, that I read in junior high. So good. So he interviewed a prostitute. I remember that was a big deal. Alex, Merry Coxmas.

AlexMerry Coxmas. Let's get into –

MerlinI just had too much stoke.

AlexYou put – also could be easily adapted to a porn name. Is there a codex?

MerlinIs there a codex for this? Is there a Lorax? All right. Is there an Aegis? There used to be.

AlexThere used to be. But like I said, I have evolved. And I think of the term progressive. I would say that I am that politically.

MerlinYou're just going to call somebody basic.

AlexYeah, yes. Well, no, no. I used to be very strict. Like no folders. Why would you have folders?

MerlinBecause they make no sense.

AlexNo folders. No badges. Things needed to be. there there had to be i i don't know how to say there had to be reachability or um there had to oh thumb placement there had to be like good thumb placement because this is when phones

Merlinback back in the day you you would wait your thumb i mean like i can't use my phone because it's up here but even this phone versus this is maybe an what is this probably an iphone

Alex8 what is this this is probably iphone 8 right oh i don't know uh you're tiny in zoom right now i

Merlinthink so yeah sorry god it's like i mean yeah i know i know i can't tell you how happy i am to

Alexhave a non-max phone anyway anyway now the uh the criteria is much more gentle as you see we're going to start with Matt Van Ormer. I'm sorry, Matt. One day I will get your name right. Looks like it might be Matt Van Ormer. Matt Van Ormer. I know, but I like to think of him as a fancy Dutchman. Manhattan. He's very good at labels. He's very good at Discord. He's very good at so many things. And he is great at, as I note, first off, his home screen is symmetrical.

in my opinion now you might you might say oh but alex it's it's like widget widget widget and then no widget there's just two icons called elsewin and then coolers i don't know what those apps are and normally i'd be like fuck that because the icons are ugly but you know what we here's my microphone it's to each their own i'm not going to be upset with icons thank you most mostly mostly placement of icons yes but look at he so he breaks the rule of having folders

and folders in the dock but he folders in the dock makes sense alex it does it only gets so many slots it yes it it makes sense although he does have multiple screens that's the other thing In our age of being able to have more than one home screen via the focus.

MerlinOnce I figure out what the fuck focus is doing, I've played with this a little bit, and I know I know enough to understand the power of it, even though the basic problem with focus is it just turns on at the weirdest goddamn times, and I don't know how to give it cues about that. But the idea of having certain pages that show up at certain times, I'm going to use this shit. Do you do that at all right now?

AlexYes. Yeah. that is the only time is yours gonna be in here while i see what you do yes yes that's our uh

Merlinlet's get on with it it's fucking cocksmas i haven't even sent out my cards yet all right

Alexhere we're gonna go through these pretty pretty quickly but thank you matt vonarmer uh for noting that i was the first one i don't know for one thing i was the first one to ever be mad about this stupid shit uh also he's you just want to be remembered for one thing one thing uh this is kind of from best to worst uh we got david joe hull who you know he's got his icons are reachable um he's thought out his shortcut widget he has the widget placed in a way where it's clear that

it's still reachable um and it's he's got oh i spelled doc wrong doc is in the the ios or the doc is in the the ipad it's a stressful time of year alex doc doc but look at he's got shortcuts and custom icons in the dock.

MerlinOh, I like that.

AlexAnd he's using the correct podcast app. So I'm fine with the folders. And MB.

MerlinOh, boy. Here we go.

AlexWho's the CEO of Lickability. I hate their home screen, but it's aesthetically pleasing and calming to me.

MerlinYou like Matt. You just hate their home screen.

AlexNo, but I like their colors on the home screen. Like, look at it. It's just soothing. I enjoy being able to open a home screen and not be immediately stressed out. And it's a single screen and he has two attractive people on it, himself and his partner. So it's hard to, although.

MerlinDo we know for sure that that's, do we know that that's Matt's partner or could it just be somebody on the street? Do we know that?

AlexNo, no. That is verifiable online, I believe. Yes.

MerlinWow.

AlexYeah. No, it's not.

MerlinIt's really, really punching above their weight there if you ask me.

AlexOh, oh, see, no. there's two i find them both am i is this workplace harassment i'm not sure although although they're reading atomic habits which is oh so if there's a photo in these we will also be judging whether or not they're hot oh yes yes there's multiple in fact matt i believe crap

Merlinmine one of mine mine has my wife in it and now i'm uncomfortable yeah it's uncomfortable where

Alexit's cut off too uh oh matt why do you have uh are you're using rome research and notion and it's all again in in the corner i know drafts i know wait what am i looking at here the

Merlinone that looks like uh four slices looks like a lemon what is that that's that's rome research

Alexbut i rome research okay i don't know that oh fuck wait i think it's a plane with its propellers maybe oh fuck that's a pretty cool all right that's an interesting icon never never mind um All right.

MerlinOh, so any final judgment? Final judgment?

AlexGod, are we going to do that?

MerlinOh.

AlexIt's fine.

MerlinSummars me one word. One word. What do you say to Matt?

AlexFine. You're fine.

MerlinYou're fine, Matt. It's fine. Do better.

AlexThis one's okay.

MerlinThis is Holopolok?

AlexHolopolok. I don't know if their username is or their real name is on Twitter. So we're just going to go with Holopolok. It's aesthetically pleasing enough because –

MerlinI like the wallpaper. It's kind of cool. I think introducing – if you're in the constraint of a squared-off environment, I think introducing diagonals – I mean that's the key to a good Zoom room, they say, is that there's got to be depth and there's got – it isn't just X-Men posters for everybody. Michael Beschloss isn't going to do that.

AlexYou can't have a vulvasaur everywhere.

MerlinNo. No, there should be cues, though, for angles to it. I think that's engaging to people.

AlexAnd Merlin, do you know what this background – well, I guess I spoiled it.

MerlinOh, no. It's a pride flag.

AlexDo you know which –

MerlinOh, no, you hate pride flags.

AlexI do. I hate pretty much every pride flag.

MerlinNo, my daughter tells me which one's which. This one's going to be former nuns that like to eat pussy. Cut that.

AlexCut that. Cut that. Cut that. But I would say this one, in terms of a one-word grade, This is okay. It's an okay screen.

MerlinDo you think that Hulopalock is choosing icons because of their purpleness or arranging them because of their purpleness?

AlexI don't know. I thought about that a long time because giraffes, dark noise, omni-focus, GitHub, those seem to be very conspicuously, like, those aren't similar. Oh, I guess they can all be used for work.

MerlinThis strikes me as good from a practical standpoint. I don't know Hulopalock. okay okay but it seems practical like these are the buttons you're gonna need no no no

Alexmaybe the bottom like the bottom row is not as aesthetically pleasing so maybe but i don't know

Merlinthe the the die puts me in the mind of domino's pizza for some reason i don't know why uh what

Alexis yeah what is watch i assume watch list picker is some fancy probably enterprise and or programmer app whenever it's something that i don't know now i'm going to stop getting mad and assume that it needs to be there for work because that's in fucking ugly

Merlinit's like the enterprise yeah i get it yeah yeah it's like the next logo fucked up the peak well the dice calc logo is that what the dice calc yeah and the the nugget that that's a kind of money that kind of looks like a game piece it's here's to be a little beveled i spark i also have

Alexa thing oh that's the one you're mad at didn't they take inbox zero um oh no you know what forget

Merlinit i'm you know i'm a um you're a bigger let go let god no i just don't like things that keep my credentials it bugs me i understand that's how you do the magic but i nothing against spark they're

Alexnice people the real people are nice they they are i just don't want my email to tell me anything if i have indeed reached inbox zero it's like what no no i really i really minimized a lot of

Merlinmy email use i'm i'm kind of just done with email and so you say this is fine is that right just

Alexfine it's fine it's cute it's i'm sorry no no no mb's is fine this was okay it's it's okay

Merlinyou do manually put your phone into the the the cheap mode the battery mode do you do that do

Alexyou find yourself doing that sometimes i i have a shortcut um oh smart well it looks for the percentage it it looks for the percentage and i think you can do that automatically but it also knows when i am um leaving i will say um okay okay siri balls um i'm leaving the house and

Merlinit does go it goes yep yep um thank you hola palak uh alex is being withholding as they can be sometimes oh boy i know this one okay listen angela okay okay maybe oh you know angela's a runner i'm oh god and a good like a run angela as it turns out my friend angela who i've become better friends with in the last little while angela runs similar kinds of well now that my wife is still recovering from surgery she's not running as much but they run in similar kinds of

Alexways like middle distancy running things angela's hardcore though i would say angela's a very good I don't, you know what? I'm not familiar.

MerlinOr like Trail Runner maybe. I don't know. I don't follow this shit.

AlexYeah.

MerlinMessenger. Is Messenger Facebook?

AlexYeah.

MerlinOkay. Yeah. Now, why'd you make a noise about that? Also, wait a minute. I thought Angela was in Canada. I'm so confused.

AlexOh, I don't know. I don't keep tabs on everybody like you do.

MerlinCheck them out at the embassy. Oh, maybe traveling. Traveling to embassy in Denver. Is Angela there right now? Can you go there?

AlexPlease tell. Angela, where are you right now?

MerlinBut the American non-military version of Time, I think there's been some kind of, this is some kind of a jam up. This is like a Highlights magazine figure out what's wrong with this kind of thing. You don't like it. You're shaking your head.

That's sections. That's nice.

AlexLook at how many screens. Why does someone need five screens? What is that for? Who is that for? Is it for you? Is it really for you?

MerlinMaybe one for Elijah.

AlexAnd this is, I think that this might be pandering to Merlin, ma'am. Because look at where that camera is. Top right-hand corner.

MerlinTop right-hand corner. All right.

AlexCan you really reach that? Can people actually reach that? Like, especially, I mean, I suppose.

MerlinI have these little ravioli hands, so I'm not the right person to ask.

AlexI have a, well, I'll show you a new setup. Angela, I'm going to go with hmm, because it's really pretty. It's so pretty. Look at that. It's suspicious.

MerlinIt's the dots. It's not. Why do you even know what's on those screens? It's the existence of the screens and the consequent dots that you don't like. Is that correct?

AlexI think there could be. I think there's pandering. I think there's also pandering to me.

MerlinHow is this pandering to me? It's got fucking Facebook on it. What are you talking about? Oh, that's true.

AlexWell, I don't know if everybody knows your opinion.

MerlinAnd Discord. I've been on Discord twice. once because you made me get on it and then another time i did not make you get on it once time to get on a beta i had to go to discord like a fucking cuck yeah lots of betas

Alexi don't know if this has actually come up yet maybe with maps though so on on match vanomers home screen there is else when he is a beta tester for that and i know that because of the orange dot orange dot and that's that's no one's fault but apple no why and it also feels like a weird flex

Merlini i like i think it's a very nice flex i read an article yesterday that made me think of you where people who do av things involving screens don't like something i'm looking at right now which is the orange the johnny ive orange dot that you can't get off your screen so if you're trying to show like oh it's a haunted house it's spooky except you can tell it's a mac because of safety.

AlexI'm looking at it right now and I don't like it.

MerlinDon't like it.

AlexWell, it's orange. And that's the thing too. Why is it orange? Like, I don't know. Johnny Ives, RIP.

MerlinPlease say one nice thing. I don't think that's why. Say one nice thing about each person. Say something nice about Angela. I think Angela's very sweet and supportive. Oh, as a human being?

AlexI think she's a fantastic, wonderful, perfect human being. This screen is not. Okay. I don't know what's sus. I see. I still don't know what sauce means. You judge the sin, not the Canadian. I get it.

MerlinNo, no. Fair, fair.

AlexBut see, and like, I don't – okay, fine. Twitter and Discord can go together. All right.

MerlinMusic.

AlexNotes. Overcast.

MerlinYeah. All right.

AlexFine.

MerlinOh, okay. Here we go.

AlexOh, boy.

MerlinThat background is something. This is Ben Rice. This is Ben Rice. And we know, is this Ben that I know?

AlexThis is – do you know the Irish who – photographer ben yes who makes obscura which uh right there in the corner obscure yes not in the right place but oh no no no look at look at where their camera is and look at where i mean you know

Merlinwhat i don't want to be ableist i'm really sorry ireland's had a tough time look at look at my

Alexfront thumb do i not have oh i don't have my uh screen mirrored which is why it's very he tries

MerlinHe doesn't do that Bill Clinton thing, but he has like a joke thumb.

AlexOh, God. And I think that's why he's like stopped doing that. Not just because of the whole – well, Trump isn't in front of a camera as much. And it kind of bums me out because I just like looking at something funny.

MerlinIt looks like something has just been wrung out, maybe backstage at a theater. It's just – Very moist. He's so wet. He's so wet.

AlexI just referred to Trump's body as in the it.

Merlinno Merlin 2021 does not talk about people's bodies anymore Ben I don't know about this background buddy is that a flower what is that is it a flower plant

Alexright right I'm like are you on its own pretty photo on its own on its own it's a lovely photograph I'm not saying anything about the photograph

Merlindo the accordion

Alexalso

Merlinyesterday I changed to the I fix it battery on one of my watches or the iFixit x-ray and i just made i grabbed that one off the shovel blog sites yesterday where now my phone looks like uh the inside of the iphone which is kind of cool okay but usually the reason i mentioned it lock screen i'm a black man oh yes

Alexokay all right i gotta tell my daughter to grab the rimba i think it arrived is it one that squirts or is it

Merlinpurely dry you don't want to know I got the full Monty I got one that comes with the mop too because you know we give her a broom every year

Alexoh okay that's very cute that's very very cute

MerlinI need to alert my daughter to this to keep talking

Alexyes

MerlinI have to tell her to go pick up 40 pounds of mop

Alexall right uh ben i've got some questions um mostly why do you have two reddit clients on your home screen i use apollo what i don't know if your joke i wait do you use

Merlini have to use reddit because it was so cool when wikipedia first became easy to find on the first page of google and was awesome but when i'm looking for help troubleshooting something now It's just, it's all Reddit, Reddit, Reddit, Reddit, Reddit.

AlexThat's true. Reddit is apparently going public from what I know now, which is weird because I thought Condi Nast owned them. It's quite...

MerlinOh, right. I remember hearing that. Yeah.

AlexI don't know. The only reason I bring this up is because we talked about your boyfriend, Kevin Rose.

MerlinOh, yeah. I remember him. I was in a car with him once. He was nice.

AlexI had Dig on my home screen for a very long time. I missed that website.

MerlinOh, yeah.

AlexDig.com.

MerlinDig Nation.

Alexuh oh so ben this is bad it's a fantastic photograph but this is bad bad good apps choice but bad bad home screen just really bad oh boy it's just bad it is it's bad it's just

Merlini'm sorry i'm struggling because i can't find your window oh i found it never mind go go go okay oh this is pat bear okay now i'm caught up pat bear oh boy look at you you got notes you got notes on

Alexthis one look at he okay what's the d is the d uh podcast app i yes that's downcast which i used to use but he's he's using the wrong podcast it feels so intimate to see people's screens i always feel

Merlinit feels very so weird no i mean be like be like you know i can like i can totally see your underwear like you know it just seems weird you have too many oh i see okay too many friends oh Too much social? Rarely used. Rarely used. Oh, I like that.

AlexWhy have your phone on your home screen? Like, what are you? That seems like, like I said, Pat Bayer is a wonderful human being. And I think it's just because he has so many friends.

MerlinOh, I see. Oh, now he's pandering.

AlexI don't think, well, it doesn't look like he has put any thought into this at all.

MerlinI know you're not here to be constructive, but if you were going to be constructive, do you think Pat Baer needs to rethink their taxonomy a little bit, maybe?

AlexNo, that's the thing. I don't think Pat Baer cares. I think he participates because he's my friend.

MerlinFriend of the show, Pat Baer. Please, don't anybody say this. Cut this. But this is like the way my wife organizes the kitchen is the problem. It's like I understand taxonomically that this is organized, but it's not – I would not consider this optimized for actual use. It seems optimized for organization.

AlexOh, I disagree. You know what I think happened? Well –

MerlinNo, it's fine.

AlexOh, interesting.

MerlinIt's your holiday.

AlexBecause I bet that what happened is he started putting similar apps together. There was that automatic thing where Apple decides what kind of app.

MerlinOh, yeah. I wish I got some input with that. I really do.

AlexYeah. Like, he changed it to be more sensical. But, like, is Instagram a photography app? Probably. But not a social app? Or, hmm.

MerlinYeah. I see what you're saying.

AlexInternet. Patreon. Yes. Patreon is in the internet. If for some reason you're still listening, what the fuck is wrong with you? But Pat has a folder called Internet, and then the Patreon app is in there, I guess. Also, why have a folder that says rarely used? Why not just, okay, if it's rarely used, it's just an email on the whole screen.

MerlinBecause people like Pat there are so used to being Hector'd by people like you about how they got too many dots.

AlexI know, I know.

MerlinHector, Hector, Hector.

AlexAlso, why does he Hector? Big. I almost actually, I thought this would be unfair because this is another home screen that's just bad. But I wanted to text him and say, what the fuck is big?

MerlinI bet it makes big text. And you can maybe remember that. Remember the app where you can make big text and hold it up so people could see it across a room? Maybe that's it.

AlexOh. Oh, fuck. No.

MerlinYou're probably being ableist.

AlexYou're absolutely right.

MerlinAm I? That would be weird.

AlexWell, what Pat does is also he presents and is a host and emcee of many different things. So I literally bet that's what it is. He was using it at PAX Dev. PAX Unplugged? I don't know.

MerlinMaybe Pat's a very important business person and as a consequence needs to be on the phone a lot.

AlexHe is a very important. That's the thing. I'm realizing that this is a phone that is organized for convention goers, which is a thing that we used to do.

MerlinOkay.

AlexI'm used to. I miss you, Pat.

MerlinBut it's bad.

AlexIt's bad.

MerlinEven though you have a- Humanity sometimes peeks through. No, no, no, no. What's the background?

AlexOh, I was going to say the background is good because it's from a very good game, Hyper Light Drifter.

MerlinOh, Hyper Light Drifter, yeah. hyper late

Alexthat's great I got a high score on that

Merlinyeah Ben right wait wait wait different

AlexBen no no no I did I'm not used to presenting anymore this is no longer in I used to do this this is at

MerlinP Tibbs thank you P Tibbs for submitting well I got a feeling I was going to hate this I don't know why but I just Malcolm Gladwell this and I'm thinking you're going to hate this and I'm not sure why wait finance and security look like Apple watches so this is p-tips is a music and listening fan has the proper music app which is good spotify is but if you've got discogs on your home page you're very into like

Alexobscure bands probably i well uh p-tips is i it's not that i mostly chose my friend's home screen it's that they were the first to respond to this well that'll teach you he is uh yeah be my friend

Merlinbitches um you fuckers you die in a fire okay so christmasy assholes if i if i drink all of the stoke then i won't have any more to drink okay uh tips here is um

Alexagain someone where he is a really important businessman because he runs the young horses the business that created two of my favorite games octodad wait is that the game we played no octodad is when you are a dad who's an octopus and it's difficult to do things because you're an

Merlinoctopus is that a play on the cable tv show with the kids i don't know i i don't i don't watch tv i don't have a tv no that's something i need p tibbs and you say your first bullet here is that It's too normal.

AlexIt is. Isn't it? Isn't this like a basic normie home screen?

MerlinI thought we weren't going to use that word anymore.

AlexOkay.

MerlinOkay. Words to ban. Let's go challenge.

AlexAnd again, like the phone app is there because I guess you're a fancy business boy. And again, I feel like he just.

MerlinThat's a lot of icons though, Alex. Boy, there's a lot. This is all about like.

AlexFolders. All the folders. Why? And you've got another screen even though you have folders. Why? But he's using the right...

MerlinGames and entertainment.

AlexI know.

MerlinAnything nice to say?

AlexYou're too normal. He's also using a custom... I'm sorry. He's not using a custom background. This is a background that is included from Apple in the little wallpaper selection. I guess that's kind of the definition of basic, huh?

MerlinYeah.

AlexExploring over the years with the photo widget.

MerlinLook at me. I like seeing not too many notification badges. That makes me happy. Oh, you want to hear me do the song from Threes?

AlexOh, yes.

MerlinAnd I like it when it builds and builds and builds and it gets that one part and I always feel like, oh my God, I should be doing something so cool right now and I'm really not.

AlexHold on. Hold on.

MerlinNormally. Isn't that right? Am I singing the wrong song? Is that Threes Company? What am I doing?

AlexWait. Why aren't you? Oh, no. Oh, no. Threes. What's happening? Oh, I turned off the music because I still play it a lot.

MerlinOh. Oh, God. Oh, it's so good. It makes me anxious just to hear it.

AlexSee, I think it's just stupid.

MerlinAll I can think about is Serenity Caldwell. And, like, Serenity Caldwell is just one of those people. Like, the scores that Serenity got on that game. One of those people.

AlexHmm.

MerlinWeed. Yeah. And, like, even Roderick. Roderick, with a great quote to Asher Wormer. This is not a game for vulnerable people. I believe was John's quote.

AlexThat's really good.

MerlinIt's true.

AlexDo you,

Merlinwhen you get demon dogs,

Alexhold on. What's a, what's, what's your high score on threes?

MerlinI don't know.

AlexI can't wait. I can.

MerlinI can't. It's on my telephone. I don't know. It's not good. It's not good. I don't like games. I don't like games. I like entertainment, but I don't like games. Uh, P Tibbs. Uh, what else do we have? You seem to have put, uh, wow. You're a responsible weirdo. Okay. Very important business person. Exploring over this. You know, We should have Joe Steele on sometime to talk about where they put the text on photo things.

AlexOoh, you're right. He has opinions about that. They keep covering Sweet Jason's face.

MerlinSweet Jason, he's just a boy. They keep covering his face.

AlexI, oh, that's a good.

MerlinHmm.

AlexI like that.

MerlinIt's not where the text goes. That's what Joe says.

AlexIt's fine. It's a, it's fine. It's fine.

MerlinOkay. Sorry about that, P-Tibs. Thanks for your interest.

AlexChristopher fucking Lawley.

MerlinOh, no. No. Oh. No. bad bad bad everything about i would just see a little more hdr in that image i'd like to see a little bit more hdr you know what i mean i like to see some more the darks are so dark it means a

Alexlittle bit of pop i'd run that through pixelamator if it were yeah no no talk about nice things to

Merlinsay i'm pretty sure that this is chris underscore lolly do you want to go and read your single bullet point about a person who took their time to send this you want to go and read what you said

Alexhere okay uh your your badges and i do mean the royal your in this sense you your your badges make you your iphones cuck because it's true though like you see a badge and then you immediately

Merlinstart your phone's out there fucking another man right in front of you no it's it's watching you

Alexit's it's like okay now i'm gonna be the one like i'm i'm watching an app to take you into into

MerlinOh, take you. Okay.

AlexIt takes you.

MerlinWow. Okay. I know Yoink. Why do I not? Yoink is what? I feel like I know Yoink.

AlexIt's one of those. It's like a shelf app for iOS and iPadOS. Yeah. And you like drop a thing in there and then you drop it.

MerlinThat turns your phone into VI. I get it. Now, is orange or yellow beta? What's yellow? Yellow is new?

AlexNo, no. I believe orange.

MerlinI'm talking here about the little dots that precede it.

Alexorange orange is beta yeah i'm pretty sure this is beta because it yes wow yeah chris lawley might be a very important business person too he is he's he's a big deal on youtube and but uh double check health insurance i didn't read okay you're right what double check health insurance what are looking at you're if you look at his things list um his today list well i don't think looking at a home screen that used to be a look into someone's personal life now it kind of is because you know

wherever he is the rain is stopping in six minutes and he's got you know he's got things to do

Merlinincluding every day somebody's born i i told my neighbors about dark sky they didn't even they didn't i i told them about i gave them access to my weather station and i told them about dark sky they didn't know about dark sky it's it's amazing people we just assume a lot about people now are you making a lot of powerful enemies alex be honest probably i mean it sounds like you're You're making Chris underscore Lolly sound like some kind of a big shot. And now is that you've just said you've been – Chris, I don't know if it's a they. Chris has been made a cuck by a phone.

AlexYeah. Yeah.

MerlinOkay.

AlexYeah. Yeah. Like why would you ever have a badge on drafts? Do you think Greg, Mr. Tortoise, has a badge on drafts? Why did he even put that feature in? Take it away, Greg. Take it.

MerlinTake it away. Okay. I like this direction. Things are heating up a little bit. Take it away.

Alextake it away sorry chris i know okay so this is the last one and i swear to god ponders what the

Merlinfuck is wrong with you are you just ash ponders who's ponders ponders is a good name show yeah it's a very oh my god what's happening with overcast you hit the give me stress button

Alexyou followed the direction of the single greatest piece of blah blah text ever you actually what is

Merlinit i'm gonna read what it actually says because it's so goddamn good alex wrote uh sorry not Alex um Marco Arment wrote the single greatest piece of blah blah text of all time in my opinion and I still think about it constantly go ahead keep going ponders that ponders drag them okay

Alextop top left hand corner why do you have like orange-ish background but then you you put overcast in the corner in the most orange spot nobody puts overcast in a corner No, no. It was sitting right.

MerlinPicky details.

AlexOkay, so the – why is it in the left-hand corner? It's just – no.

MerlinOh, it kind of disappears a little bit, huh?

AlexYou can't find it.

MerlinIt's interesting how many of these people are in chintzy battery mode.

AlexChintzy battery mode.

MerlinLibby. Have you ever used Libby, Alex? It's a really cool app.

AlexIt's – well, yeah, but it's not on my fucking home screen.

MerlinOh, no, you didn't.

AlexNo.

MerlinYes, you did.

AlexAnother Patreon app on the home screen.

MerlinThere's a section in nitpicky details inside of Overcast called Icon Badge Number, and it's a radio button. And it says, show the number of unfinished episodes on Overcast Icon to add stress to your life.

AlexYep, yep, which now added stress to my life. I swear to God they're just trolling me with this.

MerlinStory graph. What's story graph? It's got books. Is it for planning?

AlexI have a feeling it's for planning stories because Ponders is a very talented fiction podcast. They make a lot of cool shows.

MerlinThey don't exist. Okay. But they make a very talented editor who makes fiction podcasts.

AlexThat's a question that's really dumb.

MerlinPlease. Oh, wow. And you've got all those apps I don't use at the bottom. Okay. This is really stupid. So you have Patreon as an app that you use because to consume videos and stuff like that?

AlexI don't know. I mean what sucks is the only way to get Patreon via RSS is just that they just have a podcast. Well, thank God.

MerlinThey do have a room in your house that just says diarrhea on it, I think. I don't like using the app. I don't like using – well, I don't like using Patreon if I'm being honest. They keep logging me out, and then I need credentials for credentials from you, and then I have to open my own version, my Patreon, who I support.

AlexMm-hmm, mm-hmm. And then there's a switch, and then I use different browsers, pretty much four pages.

MerlinOh, yeah. No, Vivaldi is all about my own. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

AlexAnd what worries me?

MerlinMultiple note apps in the doc! Exclamation point, exclamation point, exclamation point. Okay, there's craft. What's the checkmark one? What's the rainbow checkmarks?

AlexTodoist. Todoist? Todoist, yeah.

MerlinAnd then there's Bear.

AlexThere's Bear. And then there's – this is a really gay doc, actually. And then there's Kraft because – like I can see having multiple Node apps because people want to collaborate on some bullshit or whatever.

MerlinFor silos. Could be for silos.

AlexFor silos.

MerlinBut then why – It feels like a very Mike Hurley kind of thing to do.

AlexThis is a Mike – oh, yeah. I'm not touching any of the connected boys' home screen apps that are – I bet they're bummed.

MerlinYour color scheme is consistent. And then the third bullet to Ponders – I'm so sorry, Ponders. There are so many pages that I think –

AlexI think they want to hurt me. I think they just wanted to keep me upset.

MerlinYou think it's performative. It's performative. Yes.

AlexYou know what I bet they did? They went into – because now you – again, I know –

MerlinLike you said, they hid everything on the second and later page and then made all this to just upset you.

AlexYes, yes, and just created more and more and more and more home screen. I don't like it. Okay. So this is hell.

MerlinIn conclusion.

AlexThis is hell. This is hell.

MerliniPhone is a land of contrasts.

AlexIt's hell. No, and then you notice – one more thing. One more thing. There's the – I think it's – oh, I just noticed that there's two by Friday in the overcast. That's how I'm good.

MerlinThey pay for it. So thank you.

AlexOh, thank you. Well, this is –

MerlinPlease remember to hit that bell.

AlexThis is more worrying. Patreon.com slash 2ByFriday. Thank you, everybody who supports us. Yeah, that's hell. But I've saved – I've saved the winner, the by far winner for last.

MerlinAre you kidding? I mean, none of this is bad, but like – okay, because this covers a lot of stuff you care about.

AlexYes.

MerlinIt's got – right? I mean, first of all, it's very restrained. You're using the Do app, which is the app that Mike Hurley uses to remember to add a reminder.

AlexAnd here's – yes.

MerlinIs that a TweetBot? Is that TweetBot down there? What is that cutie? That's TweetBot.

AlexAnd then it's a holiday icon for TweetBot.

MerlinAll right.

AlexYou know, tis the season.

MerlinTis.

AlexAnd sure.

MerlinYou're going to let that folderful icon stand? I feel like in your aesthetic, that's – okay.

AlexOkay, so as you noted, if you're going to have a folder, it might as well be in the doc because it's so important that it's consistent. And I have a feeling that—

MerlinOh, I use Reader. I didn't know they had a custom.

AlexYeah, there's a number.

MerlinI like the default for almost everything. I tried a bunch of drafts once, but they all confused me. Well, this is a self-report. This utilizes a lot.

AlexSelf-report, self-report. That is the default icon for Reader. So you're using an old version of Reader.

MerlinNo, I have two old versions. I have an old one and an older one. There's different banding in the icons. I've got an R-E-E-D-E-R that looks like the Daring Fireball icon.

AlexYeah.

MerlinAnd then I got one that looks like the Daring Fireball icon, except it's got bands.

AlexYeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Here. We got the...

MerlinI don't want to see your screen. It upsets me. Sage Olsen, you approve of most of the... Perfect in every way. Whoa. It's perfect in every way.

AlexIt's perfect in every way.

MerlinWow, Sage Olsen. You're walking away with this.

AlexAnd sure, there is a four badge on the do icon. But the way that everything else is thought out makes me have to trust Sage Olsen.

MerlinSo those are probably shortcuts for playing something. Play, pause, and rewind. That could be a jumpy-backy in Overcast, maybe?

AlexNot only do I know that that's true, Sage Olsen also submitted his reasoning behind.

MerlinOh, Sage is showing their work. I love this.

AlexSo, so I, so yeah, overcast the, I, where the thumb, Pepe Sylvia, Pepe Sylvia just keeps

Merlincoming up.

AlexWell, the, the, the, like the, um, I don't know, like the, the spheres, the, the sections of the, of the home screen. So the top probably isn't touched a whole bunch. So we've got a weatherline widget. There's fantastical in the upper right-hand corner. And then the photo, gosh, there's an arrow from photos to maps and then to shortcuts. I'm not positive what that means.

MerlinWhat does that mean? Pepe Sylvia.

AlexI have a feeling that photos does something when you open it, or maps does something when you open it. The shortcuts, I don't know. He's got a lot of shortcuts on his screen that I sound useful.

MerlinOne thing I like that's – I don't know why this appeals to me aesthetically, but one thing I guess I've gotten used to with App Library is the way that, like – I'm not an expert on this, but it's kind of neat. Like it'll show, okay, here's these three icons that are like your recent ones. And then there's like the equivalent of a folder that you click on. This seems aesthetically sort of similar to that idea.

AlexYes. Well, and you can reach App Library in just one swipe away.

MerlinThat's true.

AlexBecause there's only one screen.

MerlinAlex, would you like people to learn from what Sage Olson has done here? Would you like people to go and do likewise? What could they learn from this apart from the Pepe Silvia stuff?

AlexOh, no. We don't get it. No, no. Sage Wilson, despite winning, you don't get – you don't –

MerlinOh.

AlexYeah.

MerlinSo do you know what this is, Merlin?

AlexYou are looking at my home screen. And as I said, I have evolved as a person about what should be on your home screen because a joke's leaving the room. Everything on your phone –

MerlinYou're still using that tracker app you made me buy?

AlexOkay. I realize I sent that to you.

MerlinIt's literally the stupid – no offense to the tracker family. it's literally the stupidest non-actionable thing i've ever had in my life so the reason it is on

Alexthere is because unfortunately tracker often breaks and what i use tracker for but where do

Merlinyou where do you find the results of what you clicked on tracker does it go anywhere what is

Alexit for is it just to remember to be great it goes no i changed it so you can what tracker is is an app where it just says your log do you feel great good i mean it goes somewhere i guess and then and there are five options and i changed the labels to high energy good energy average energy low energy and tired velocity i have it yes so every every hour it prompts me if i if i'm not

in a focus mode or if i'm not in a circuit a certain focus mode it asks it it just says uh how are you how are you doing and then i say hey buddy hi yeah yeah and uh but you sure do log a

Merlinlot of liquid jesus christ alec you're so fucking weird you made you made something on your phone

Alexcalled iced tea this okay all right all right why are you tracking all of this the left the left is my what is it i always forget what it's called start my fast and my fast the the phone what what is it when you swipe i guess to the right so that oh today view oh is it the okay the today view

Merlinhas i don't i don't know if that's what they call it but i think it makes sense because it doesn't

Alexmake sense that's smart um yeah yes all right so let's do my today screen real quick the top widget is the Siri suggestions for apps because I want to be honest with myself.

MerlinChange my game.

AlexYes. And so that is suggesting to me what I'm...

MerlinWhat the phone has learned. It's showing you these are the things I think you want based on things, including time of day, how often you use this. I wake up in the morning and sleep watch, autosleep, whatever I use, is like always in my hateful eight.

AlexAnd you can see that this is...

MerlinI need a better name than that. But, yeah.

AlexNo. Are you kidding? That's perfect. My Apple 8 are less shameful than I would have thought.

MerlinI wish I could look at my phone right now, but it's being used.

AlexIt's up there in the corner.

MerlinOh, yeah.

AlexYeah. See? I did not prepare for this. Oh, so the reason I track her on my – oh, no. I'm going out of – fuck. I'm going out of order. So then after that is the large shortcut widget that I use to log my –

MerlinTo log your large shortcuts.

AlexNo, no, no. So log my fasts and then also what I put into watermiter.

MerlinDo you fast, Alex? Do you have buttons for fasting?

AlexI don't want to talk about – like I said.

MerlinIs this intermittent fasting that I heard about on NPR, Alex? What are you doing? You have buttons to start and end your fast.

AlexListen.

MerlinHave you fetishized disordered eating? What's happening here?

AlexI don't want to – you –

MerlinContent warning. I think you should have content warning.

AlexWell, right now as I believe –

MerlinAubrey. Aubrey? Audrey? She would not love this.

AlexShe would not love this. But right now I've gotten a little bit puffy, as Mike Curly has said, based on holiday eating. I'm not –

MerlinIs that an English – oh, puffy as in – I'm puffy.

AlexI'm like bloated.

MerlinI haven't gained a ton.

AlexI haven't really gained weight back, but I'm just like puffy. But also in my periods. I always have my period when we record this show. But yes, that is for logging my food and – or logging – it is –

MerlinIt's a lot of drinks. I'm not going to – And drinks are a kind of food.

Alexokay so no no no no recording logging my liquids and the the things that i drink most often are um a bubbly water which is this la croix um a water bottle or a pee water which is over here i didn't plan this these are just what's here um a diet coke which is in the corner um and ice oh oh fuck i've logged bubbly and bubbly oh bubbly sorry bubbly is a brand this is obviously made up to This is bubbly as a brand of bubbly water.

Um, ice, ice tea. Merlin has gotten me into ice tea and that's, I did that. Yeah. Yeah. You, you got me into ice tea and, um, that's 16 ounces of ice tea. And then I have a monster.

MerlinWhat do you do? What is, um, what do you end up doing with this information? It factors into what?

AlexIt factors into then my home screen, which we'll get into the, the, uh, top, top is, a medium wedget of carrot weather and that changes throughout the day based on because of the weather yeah no no no no no no no no no no i see and then water minder lets you know if you've

Merlinhad too much water bottle bubbly bubbly tea coke or monster okay okay so okay water minder lets me know liquid mistress liquid mistress gives me the results from my water minder and then that get summarized into do i'm taking no not that do the other do it's d-o-o god i'm gonna drink

Alexi'm pregnant another one of my caffeine oh what do i got i got nuts i think i got od on caffeine pills hopefully um oh wait wait let's go back well if we'd seen this one first i think it would have changed a lot of things also has my batteries and normally also i have a battery pack or my headphones or AirPods and tells me.

MerlinYes, tells you how you're doing on battery. Got it, got it, got it.

AlexAnd I have a little shortcut. You put the battery pack on it and it goes into, what did you, chintzy mode? That just sounds like a bad word. It goes into low-

MerlinIt sounds racist. It sounds racist. It might be the worst product I've ever bought from Apple that I love next to my AirPods Max, which is the worst thing Apple has ever made that I can't believe I bought and like, and I still hate them so much.

AlexWhy are they the worst thing Apple's ever made? Because they're ridiculously overplayed.

MerlinYou get most of the benefit. If you can wear AirPods in your ears, you get a huge amount unless you have – first of all, if you're like a fancy headphones person, you're not going to get those. But I like them because I can sleep with them on. Like I can side sleep and I can't side sleep with my Sonys. But like what those things cost versus like the – Really, I got to put it in the brassiere for it to stop running. really and then i plug them in but i gotta i gotta unplug to take them out of the brassiere

really like they're so they're shit and i hate them except that i love them i hate them i bought them because i was sad i just pushed a woman in an airport and i was having a bad day that was when you got them after you assaulted a woman i needed a treat that poor woman look at me you can tell what a pusher i am i'm always out there scanning ah who what rich ladies can i assault

Alextoday also day day one has a cute little question every single day oh yeah a little prompt that's nice but i don't like the prompt today which was who are the top three to four most influential people i was like i don't want to think about michelle obama for sure yeah joe strummer i was just thinking about all the people that i can't see or who have died today uh you think about

Merlinthat a lot don't you i do uh but yes you hate him like in this case is that francis who's in the

Alexphoto is that your dumb cat this is yes this is my focus this is francis the dumb cat and it's francis is the idiot yes he is the dumb one and it cycles through uh okay i see oh wait hold on you're jumping all over the place this is to encourage people to uh encourage people to get the patreon i hope so do by friday slash patreon where you can or no patreon.com which

Merlindo by friday so you can uh see this baby in mine look at the baby this is my this is my new nephew look at this baby i don't think see the baby it's a really good baby really cute oh my god that's

Alexthe problem people put babies and attractive people on their home screens and then i can't

Merlinjudge that's my that's my brother-in-law and look at that baby he's so sweet jack is so sweet

Alexoh god that baby was so cute it made me burp um so waterminders we have to do a regular episode

Merlinbecause this is terrible this is the worst episode you don't do you feel like shit you don't drink water you're gonna no what what no i mean like i've got beverages out the butt but i don't write it down i'm not weird i feel like i better track that in my tracker i bet i better put that in

Alexbetter put it in moist now right now because i haven't uh i see it's telling me to hydrate right now because it's angry at me yeah it's mad at me because i haven't logged oh wow i can log

Merlinmy bubbly that's a good use of your time um pokemon go is where you throw a ball

Alexpokemon go is i i know that i'm gonna open it up every 15 minutes so because you get new balls right no yeah well it depends where i am if i'm somewhere there was a mechanic in one of them as

Merlinother games that really felt like pokemon go there's one it was genshin genshin genshin no probably the other one she's got a new boy that she likes in that though so she's got child with an e that she likes a lot and there's another one called boy i think that she likes a lot it might be a free guy thing it's all people named guy and buddy and stuff like that but she loves that and what do you play what do you play that you play the impact game

Alexoccasionally but not only enough to keep up with um my like nieces or not my nieces like my little cousins um but i'm i'm very you mean to catch them all is that the idea no no in gengin impact well yes to get the good characters you need to keep up with it but uh yeah she had to do some farming i she had to farm the other day oh wait farming or grinding huh grinding as in trying to

Merlindo video game things i thought that she was given a specific task by some kind of you know what i don't want to talk about this i literally don't care you got to get your liquids okay yeah so So there's that. FS5 editing. Fast, surely.

AlexOh, that's my shortcuts for my various timer-y timers.

MerlinOh, timer-y.

AlexThis is my focus, my work focus mode. So if I didn't add.

MerlinSo you're tracking all of your liquids. You've made eight different pieces of computer programming to track liquids.

AlexNo.

MerlinYou also, hang on, you also like to write down what work you're doing right now.

AlexWrite it down.

MerlinYour water is being minded. And did I find out this week that you like trains that I hear?

AlexOh, my God. So I got, yeah.

MerlinI feel like I got some insight into Alex I did not have before.

AlexI really like trains. Okay, so I used to have the camera in the proper place, top right-hand corner. But the phone's got, this year, actually, the phone got too big. That tiny bit. I'm like, I can't reach it with my thumb.

MerlinIt's the pictures that got small.

AlexI tap read and it pops up audible or I'm sorry. It pops up actually Libby, Kindle, books and reader and matter, which I switched to.

MerlinOh, and you select from the list.

AlexYes. And same with listen, Overcast, Spotify, Apple Music and Audible.

MerlinNo kidding. That seems clever. Did you make that or is that a is that a is that a is that a Matthew or similar? Did you make it?

AlexI made that. It's easy. You just do.

MerlinI'm always scared off by option things. I'm trying to get an easier way to throw from the TV to my HomePods. And all the ones I was going to repurpose from Vittici involved the list, and I'm scared of the list.

AlexNo, well, the problem with any sort of pre-built AirPlay shortcut is I don't know, or rather one that I've either made myself or pre-made ones, actually. I don't know if it's just airplay fucking up or the Siri ball fucking up or if I wrote it wrong. So, but choose from list.

MerlinOh, see, that's not a great feeling.

AlexNo, no, no, no.

MerlinIt's like running your car into a tree. And am I a bad driver or did the brakes just stop working again?

AlexOh, oh, in tracker, I pulled that out. This, I don't know how to do this as automatically, unfortunately. But it pulls it out as a JSON file, and then you put that into a spreadsheet, and you don't do a pivot table.

MerlinOh, sorry. We're going back in the thread. We're going back to the main. What you do with your JSON your water readings. You got a payload, they call it. Okay.

AlexWell, then I see how much energy I've had throughout the day, like the aggregated.

MerlinOh, you're doing cross-indexing how Alex feels versus how much Alex drank.

Alexyes yes is there does it match up generally oh yeah oh yeah and well i also compare that with my sleep as well but i don't have that on the screen because oh this is uh absolutely manic i

Merlinshould probably get super into this because it's crazy and i should do this this is really my shit

Alexi hate to admit it well that's why i said i realized that i said the tracker thing with no and i probably this is probably also a shortcut that i could repurpose from somebody uh but i just was like what's this tracker app oh oh that's interesting so i and i didn't have to ask anybody

Merlinand i felt smart doing something for you congratulations um yeah yeah so and then uh

Alexmy second uh like i said my second home screen is my main home screen for when i have um my work focus mode focus i got it and it's uh got all my timery things i i swipe through that shortcut widget to stop or start whatever i'm doing and the top you noticed is my cat that's kind of like a do it for her type of thing like it's oh that's sweet that actually that's really that is really

Merlinnice yeah it's like okay i fucking hate this cat the cat is so fucking stupid it would never survive on its own yeah or my partner well i don't know i think you get a fair amount of help from that

Alexyeah really really it's like uh okay see alex see how you're happy in this picture that's because you have to engage in capitalism and do money um and so then and then the uh my bottom timery that could or couldn't be there. Maybe it's just there's a flex.

MerlinWhen I was a kid and they would talk about rich creamery butter and I thought creamery was a made-up advertising word. I did not know it was a noun for a place where cream is made and timery sounds like a place where they make time to me. Come on down to the old Joe's authentic timery.

AlexYou know what? If you can take the

Merlintime, we'll make the time.

AlexOh, yes. I know people were really upset by my Widgetsmith, my use of Widgetsmith and how it's the super cute themes. There's a candy cane theme that I use. I also switch my carrot weather switches between that and the countdown to Christmas because I really fucking like Christmas.

MerlinYes.

AlexBut unfortunately, you can't take it doesn't show you the little dots on the side for like the what are they called? Stacks. That's what they're called when you have widgets. um anyway the end this is a perfect home screen and there's no adjustments needed um oh wow oh

Merlinno no no no no come on are you gonna from perfect to daddy oh that's not fair okay so we got i got three okay okay all right you know what i i withdraw i withdraw what is so we're going from perfect to daddy and i i've accepted that you don't three perfect thirds plus a doc that's

Alexperfect honestly your your doc i know is perfect for what you use your phone for so it's a little

Merlinembarrassing honestly it's what no i mean the editorial thing it you know well i mean editorial should be embarrassed for itself if it's still okay okay you know life is called life is complicated i have three perfect sections of three okay go ahead no one i'm not gonna explain

Alexnever explain never worry that's what they say explain explain you i i you can look at the color

Merlinof the type the color of the type is telling because you will know that the top is the photo widget which makes me really happy next is the two rows of stuff i need and like and use and then i've got two rows set aside the darker typeface means that is a serious suggestion thing which is cool if you have a black background african-american if you have the background that i've got cut that cut that cut that cut that yeah yep and those i really love serious suggestions i almost wish my

Alexwhole home page could be serious suggestions oh you can't do a double oh i guess that it would

Merlinbe the same contents probably yeah yeah i don't know anyway go ahead go nuts settings is in the proper place. Camera's in the proper place. You can check out my wife and her BRAC. And then I've got a dead app at the bottom. You can't see my daughter's head. My daughter said she's doing that because we're at a wedding and she's talking to my daughter. You can see the top of my daughter's head under September.

AlexOh, oh, oh, look at that.

Merlin2011.

AlexNever forget.

MerlinI don't get that. Never forget.

AlexWhat is the HA?

MerlinHA. Home Assistant.

AlexYou have a folder labeled HA.

MerlinHome Assistant.

AlexWith five applications. Wait, what?

MerlinHome Assistant. Home Assistant.

AlexOh.

MerlinSo it's the Home Assistant.

AlexSee, I'm laughing. That's what the...

MerlinAm I going to laugh at that by somebody who tracks Monster Energy drink consumption?

AlexWell, that's the issue. If I have too many Monster Energy drinks, I know that I need more water.

MerlinYou're going to need a home assistant. Anyway.

AlexOh, all right.

MerlinAll right. So we all agree that I'm...

AlexIt's decent.

MerlinIt's decent. It's fine.

AlexOther than... I've got a flex there that, oh, I'm on the overcast beta. um okay all right all right all right i'm sorry that's ladies and gentlemen

Merlinthey are ready to receive their angel round i'm sorry it's the most wonderful time of the year that was a terrible tear you know what we still owe everybody another we're gonna have to do more episodes yes i think that was a terrible episode

Alexyou did a good job i was terrible though no i i was so sad that my um that zoom doesn't show the um what's what's it called the transition so i took out all my transitions um and it's oh that sucks it's way uglier than i mean it was supposed to be ugly but it was supposed to be ugly in a

Merlincertain way and now and now i get i guess it's aesthetic um we're about done right look this right chair moves back yes time oh god other things to share i have two things to share

Alexokay yes please do of the things no this is not all of my old phones or all my old devices it's

Merlinwhat I could get to.

AlexOh, I'm so excited.

MerlinI'm so excited. That's just what I could get to in Christmas season. So you've seen the iPhones.

AlexI don't know why. Precisely.

MerlinI have two. It's called the G1. Like I've got two of the original Android phone.

AlexOh my God.

MerlinOh my God. It pops up like you do. Pretty cool. Not included here that I really wish I could have found. There was the one that Sprint made that was supposed to be a competitor to the iPhone where it had like a. The Palm Pre? uh hang on um no no the palm tree was at the little one that was so cute it was so little

Alexit's like a little pebble and there was yeah but it was yeah it was like a little like will

Merlinferrell joke phone no there was one where they they had screens on both sides and it was and it had the pop-out screen and it was like it was really the height of like silly post iphone oh we can do better than that the two that i wanted to share today and then i do have a surprise oh i else have this old so i used to be in this thing this douche thing called sprint ambassador and they would send phones okay i was a sprint ambassador and so they'd send us phones to try out and that's how i got all those douche phones that's funny how it's an ambassador i'm

sorry i'm sorry i had diplomatic immunity i could park anywhere this one i don't remember this one at all this is a samsung that did the flip but just a couple goodies holy shit holy shit is that a holy shit palm three x

Alexholy shit

Merlinbut the the last one before before i give you the end of the show surprise

Alexthis was my precious for a while oh god i wished so badly this is a sprint palm trio oh that's a palm oh that's a tree oh man see i wanted a crackberry because my rich friends had the crack

Merlinthere sure yeah um well i wanted i bought some stickers uh to put on here i remember that at the time i bought these stickers i got a nice little a personal note from the person the person who sold the stickers for Goatsy liked 43 folders.

You can see the Goatsy on there. I said to my daughter this morning, you know how you can Rickroll people? You're the worst ambassador. You ever heard of Rickrolling? She's like, of course I know Rickrolling. Yes. I said, before there was Rickrolling, I said, you ever heard of Lemon Party? She goes, no. Okay, good. You ever heard of Goatsy? She goes, no. I go, never mind.

AlexWhy would you introduce that to

Merlinher? You think she hasn't seen worse shit than that? But I had to explain the sticker. I mean

Alexit's got the ring

Merlinyou can tell it's that guy because it's got his distinctive ring

Alexyeah apparently he died which

Merlinoh no right was he distended

Alexdid he have that

Merlinprolapse that the weightlifters get remember lemon party do you remember lemon party

Alexsee we could have ended there and then

Merlinare you are you ready are you ready to hit hit the bell hard

Alexokay wait yep yep

MerlinI texted you yesterday and I mentioned how I'm trying to like rethink a little bit how I don't do video much but I wanted to just get some depth and I moved some things around I put up my you can't really see it but I put up some of my strip lights back here I can actually do some pretty cool effects that make me look like a YouTube douche where I can make different kinds of amounts of color and things I could certainly, I could be all red, whatever we want. Point is, I don't know what I did yesterday, but I was mounting these lights.

I moved some things around. I don't know. It must have just been hiding in an X-Men poster. Because when I came in this morning, guess what was on the floor?

AlexI hate it! I hate it so much! I hate it!

MerlinMr. Fucking Coke. All right.

268. From Perfect to Daddy

Show notes

Transcript

268. From Perfect to Daddy

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Transcript

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