220. Two Point Very Fast

AlexThis is Do By Friday, a weekly challenge podcast. This week's challenge, keep a commonplace book.

Hello. Hello. Oh, no. Bunny, bunny. Bunny, bunny, bunny. Bunny. Bunny. Hello. Bunny, bunny.

MerlinAll right. Do you plan ahead to throw me off? Is that what it is?

AlexNo. Why?

MerlinBecause everything's about me.

AlexLet's see here. All right.

MerlinPre-PC. I got to get it focused right.

Speaker AThis is ridiculous. Okay. I'm turning it up. All right.

MerlinCheck, check. Everybody's a different volume.

AlexOh, I can turn this up.

MerlinWas that a request? I don't think that was a request.

AlexYou know what? Merlin, it wasn't a request, but I just made a statement.

MerlinIt was not a performative. It was not performative.

AlexNo, no. It was a statement. It was not an easy joke that I posted. It was a well-thought-out statement.

MerlinDid you post it? What? Positive?

AlexPositive, yes. Probative? Positive. Turn 30, 2020. What can you do? Okay.

Speaker AHow are you? Better than you.

MerlinI think I've told anecdotes before. I want to write a small e-book about one of my...

AlexWait, really?

MerlinNo. About one of my... Oh, my God. I didn't get to the comma.

Speaker AI'm sorry.

MerlinAbout one of my all-time favorite people. My pal, my roommate, my one-time best man, Dennis. And Dennis was, is, he's still alive as far as I know, the best.

Dennis is amazing. Of course, I met him in college. He was from Little Rock. And he's one of the most interesting and curious. Childlike gets a bad rap because of excelling. He's some kind of like, you know, hillbilly who's a little touched. He's not. But he was just a really interesting, really down to earth guy. And he would always just really lean into whatever he was doing. And it made everybody around him excited. Like if Dennis wanted to sing, you know, must be Santa Claus at Christmas time.

He's got to be Santa Claus. You sing along because that's the energy that Dennis has. And he's a real nice guy. Now, some things you may have heard anecdotes about Dennis. one time he saw one time he noted a bird that was near where we were he goes, oh, look at that bird he got him a little piece of cinnamon bun

Speaker Aand then

Merlinother times he would say when we first moved in together, I have two very fast anecdotes when we first moved in together, one thing is that well, Dennis said, this bread is not here, this is my bread, you don't see it, there is no bread here Jedi Mind stuff

Speaker AYes.

MerlinAnd he also said stuff like, you know, it's very important we keep this area of the counter very clean. He taught me an important lesson about how if you put one piece of kipple onto the clear part of the counter, soon it will be covered with kipple.

AlexWait, wait, wait. Is kipple...

MerlinPhilip K. Dick.

AlexThis is not... All right, I'll Google kipple.

MerlinNo, look it up. It's a Philip K. Dick word. I think it's from Do Androids Dream of Electric Sheep?

AlexNo. Okay, I...

MerlinOkay, you just did a reverse Syracuse on me where you stopped my unnecessary anecdote for an unnecessary fact. Don't put shit on the counter. I did. So probably an embarrassing amount of time, perhaps six, eight, ten days into us moving in together, there was some stuff out. Like several, like, you know, cardboard boxes. And Dennis was standing out on the porch, smoking a cigarette, looking through the door. and he goes, so Merlin,

have you given any thought to what you might want to do with these boxes? And the reason I mention it is it's probably the sweetest performative question I ever received in my life. And I said, you know what, Dennis?

AlexAre you sure you weren't married?

MerlinI'm starting to think I hallucinated him. As I said here in the notes, I have become a lunatic as of this morning, but I'm pretty sure Dennis was real. I think Dennis was real title. He got him a little piece of cinnamon bun

Speaker AAnyway, hi Dennis

MerlinHe's a very successful money man In Manhattan now With a wife and two kids Oh, the cats and the How you doing?

Speaker AThis is a

AlexEveryone's got it got someone like that.

Speaker ABut I think it's interesting.

AlexMy unnecessary anecdote is I did not know that Must Be Santa was a traditional Christmas song. I literally first heard it in the gay but not queer film Happiest Season when they're in a drag bar. And I just thought it was a fun drag song they were singing.

Speaker AOh, right. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

MerlinThat's a fun drag song. Okay.

AlexBut you and your Dennis. My Dennis. When he grew up and was that his name? I've already forgot.

Speaker ANow I'm thinking of It's Always Sunny.

AlexWhat a good brain I have this morning.

MerlinAre you the Mad Munchkin?

AlexOh.

MerlinDo you represent the Lollipop Guild?

AlexWill you marry me?

MerlinOh, God. I re-watched the first episode with the McPoyles this week. My wife finally watched that one. The very first one where it's the one title of the episode is Charlie Got Molested.

Speaker AYeah.

MerlinAnd then not Dennis, but Mac is frustrated because he never got approached.

AlexYes. And then he approaches his one of his...

MerlinOh my God. It's such a good show.

AlexOh, it's such a good show. I'm surprised you watched it with your lady friend because that is the one show that I just cannot get my spouse to watch. Or rather, he has and is like, nope, hard out.

MerlinYeah, see, I give anybody a pass for having that feeling because that's kind of the point of the show. Humor's not what it used to be, Alexandra. Caillou and Mr. Hinkle have decided to move in together. speaking of which sorry sorry Goose Duck

Alexthat was your topic

MerlinI'm sorry we're doing Brad first you've added a lot of things to note

Alexyou have a hard out today Alexandra

Merlinhard out

AlexI do very hard today I think that it's always sunny it's okay when I say it I think it's always sunny and Philadelphia is one of the best gay shows on television. And if people don't know why I say that, I encourage you to watch the arc of the character Mac.

MerlinOf Mac. Okay, yes. Also, you know he really did get that fat.

AlexYes. It's incredibly

Merlinfunny. He must have gained 50 pounds.

AlexThat guy's ripped. He did. Yes.

MerlinOh my god. And I love the slow burn, the buildup. I can't even remember. That's one of those shows like Grey's where you're like, we watched episodes last night and the night before. At one point we had to bounce from the coverage to go take a break. And we ended up watching one of those from a completely different season because I had just watched that one episode. You know, the one episode, 007. And my kid was like, why don't you do that to yourself? I'm like, we should watch it again. It's so good. But anyway,

suddenly we're watching one from a different season. And I mainly know from hair what season I'm looking at. obviously from casting.

AlexOh, that's so true. Wow.

MerlinYeah, because Meredith gets a lot of really good looks.

AlexYeah, I know who is dead or divorced based on the haircuts. Oh, my God.

MerlinYes, but then I also have to be reminded who all the women are. There's the men that are there for a minute. Okay, so Addison is gone. There's that woman who looks like a beautiful bird who's either somebody's half-sister. she's gonna get married to the trainspotting i i hate him so much which which once again once again once again my wife had to remind me that he was in trainspotting and also remind me that she's

Alexpreviously reminded me that he was in trainspotting it's because he's so unremarkable he's a pretty

Merlinhe what's not he's not i mean he's not you know obi-wan no no oh he's on the move anyway um welcome

Alexto Dubai Friday.

MerlinWhere were we?

AlexA weekly podcast about the shows and podcasts that Alex and Merlin likes.

MerlinYes. And then, of course, because Charlie and Mac are behind Mythic Quest, you get some overflow there. So you get Cricket. Cricket has a very important role on Mythic Quest.

Speaker AHe's a fantastic actor.

MerlinHe's so good. And he's so, one thing I love about that show, you know me, you know, I'm always saying like how I like, I like a movie that understands what it is. I like a TV show, you know, anybody where you're, sometimes you're like the, perhaps the antithesis of that is a phrase I've, I've heard and used for a long time, which is, oh, that person's a good actor, but they're kind of in a different movie. Like they're not in the same movie as everyone else. You know, like a Jim Carrey or a Jerry Lewis, like sometimes we're in a different movie.

Alexmaybe maybe on snl and and playing an old guy okay okay oh sorry it's the time of healing

Merlinand you have a heart out i'm sorry i'm sorry hi you and then i was talking about mac oh oh yeah

Alexanyway anyways yeah and then craig mason go figure okay i mean and they're all i was about to say it's kind of an incestuous situation but that's that that is the show uh well spoilers

MerlinCan you keep a secret?

AlexOh, I don't know. I don't have many secrets.

MerlinSomething my daughter super wanted for all the greatest reasons that I secretly got her. And of course, it's one of those, you know, we'll text you when it gets made. But an Oubliette Studios shirt.

Speaker AOh, my gosh.

MerlinAnd I got her a dark, quiet death shirt.

AlexOh, no. No! You are actually going to be triggered every time you see that.

MerlinI sent you a photo. Well, first of all, I, well, I don't want to, this sounds unseemly, but you were, you and Quinn, but you especially, you got my daughter, I think, more Christmas presents than either of you or Santa did. I sent you a photo of her literally with her hand over her mouth opening that box in her Vought Industries shirt from the boys, which is the only shirt she wears. No, but she was so thrilled. But like I said, she was scared to say thank you because she's terrified of you because you're so cool.

But she looks like she went through like a goth car wash. Like she's had quite a transformation. Like a goth t-shirt cannon. A goth, you know, many things were. Emo? Goth? I'm not quite sure. Anyhow.

AlexThat's why I loved her list. because as somebody who was not allowed to watch it, I wanted to shop there so bad. I snuck in there. That's like the only cool place I've ever snuck into. Also, I realized I just said that Hot Topic was cool and I retract that statement.

MerlinHot Topic is cool. I thought we talked about this. I thought we were going to be different. No, no, no.

AlexCool people shop at Hot Topic. Hot Topic is not cool. There is a difference. But I just got very excited.

MerlinI don't know, man. If I had access to Totoro and a shirt about Totoro when I was 13, shit, dog.

AlexExactly. Yes. Yes. Exactly.

MerlinWas that cool Steven Universe jacket with the big star on it? Uh-huh. I would have killed for that. You know, we had a place called T-Shirt Shack. And you go into T-Shirt Shack and you pick which Star Wars decal you want on a light blue Heather Ringer T-shirt. And do you want your name on the back? And in my case, I used to like to get my age on the back, I guess. So the people behind me would know I'm 12.

AlexOh, boy. Oh, boy.

Merlinand so god that episode crushing such a good that did we talked about this i've talked about this episode with everybody didn't you say best movie best movie of 2020 is the 50 minutes i truly think it was yes oh my god i mean she carves in the thing and then the next one and this one's all the easter eggs like they're wearing the shirt and and mac has has a roscoe coffee cup on his desk oh my god roscoe the final insult oh god hey everybody out there

um i have a provisional pretty strong recommendation for mythic quest in general like i think it's a good show if you enjoy stuff i think it aspires to be what somewhere between like maybe veep and silicon valley but it's about a video game i think it's a really entertaining show but you'll get you and this is not one of those phony baloney Buffy recommendations that has all these asterisks. All I'm gonna say is watch it. It's good. You'll enjoy it. But episode

Alexfive? Oh, I think like two and a half honestly. I forget when that is. Well, there's an episode that

Merlincomes along and all I'll say is it's a flashback. And I think Alexandra and I will both agree that it was probably the best movie of 2020 is the 50 minute episode that you'll know when you've gotten to it. It's got the guy from Spider-Man. i i i was speechless afterwards i mean by the end of that and like the the editing the decisions like there's not a wasted second in that it's just there's also not a wasted beam of light yeah i mean oh my god yeah it's beautiful the cinematography is terrific but then here's the

thing now part part 2a is like you could really just what was the episode called i know it i know

Alexit is called damn it i had a toot about it oh fuck fuck uh um um the alex cries about video

Merlingames episode which is what we call it oh um i think it's called when uh you reluctantly fall in love with someone who ends up taking everything that's you um it's called mythic hang on i'm almost to 0.2a you have a hard out and we have a lot of a lot of things to raven's banquet well i'll i'll

Alexgo to while you find that i'll go to uh point 2b which is the feedback i've heard was i don't want to watch it because i don't know about video games and as we established last episode merlin and i have are both professional video gamers or have been at some point and i think this show does a very good job of not it does not assume you know anything about video games but if you are into it

Merlinyou get it like like silicon valley though you know enough about the the the at least the cliches in some cases about the industry to enjoy it poor poppy yeah um believe it or not alexandra it's episode five and it's called a dark quiet death so here's the thing to a after episode five see sorry it's already turning into a buffy thing and i hate myself it the show the show which is already very good very above average very enjoyable i feel like after that episode there's a turn a

little bit and it gets it deepens a little bit maybe not a ted lasso deep but you're like oh like suddenly there's these thematic things that got introduced sort of out of nowhere

Alexthat end up having an impact uh spoilers because i haven't watched i i i haven't watched watch past that because i unlike unlike maddie i am loyal to my spouse and don't watch ahead

Merlinin a series for example the crown i like that about you i feel like i feel like i know that

Alexyes yes turn your key sir yes he's seen the flash bulbs i haven't flash bulbs the flash

Merlinbulbs are important too okay so to see alexander what's next what oh to see of of mythic quest i'm good i'm we're good at to be she's she's got clothes she's got clothes she's got a shirt so that's good oh yes good i i endorse shirts kids need kids need clothes 1-800 clothes for kids i have been i don't know i'm gonna i don't don't don't give reasons for things okay but i'm in a

great mood today i have been sleeping better i slightly changed my medicine believe it or not I took away some stimulants and I think it's made me happier. And, and I've just been laughing aloud. The most recent thing that made me laugh was that, uh, that cute lady I like on CNN, uh, saying that Merrick Garland's going to be the attorney general.

I'm not, I realize I sound like the bizarro Don Jr., but like, Oh my God, that makes me so fucking happy. Everybody likes him. Everybody respects him. Yes, he's centrist, but we, you know, there's going to be plenty going on. But having him in there, that made me happy. I also learned that Rudy Giuliani today suggested we start having trial by combat. Did you see that?

Speaker ANo!

MerlinDid I put it? Let me see if I put it in notes. I think I did.

AlexNo, I recently listened to an episode of Just Between Us, which is a podcast I like. Welcome to this. I like podcast shows. But it and then their guest was Rudy Giuliani's daughter, who is a very interesting person.

MerlinOh, yes. She's she's like, please, please stop listening to my dad.

AlexOh, my gosh.

MerlinMy dad is not OK.

AlexOh, gosh. Anyway, I was watching.

MerlinI was watching a musical segment on an episode of Conan from the autumn. I believe, of 2001. And he's like, this has been a really, really hard time. This band's going to come out and they're going to sing a song by the Kinks called Better Things, which actually Brady's Bits, Bacon Ray also used to cover. It's just a great song about sort of like, hey, you know, keep your chin up, friend. Like things are going to get better. You know, it's a really good song. And it was Fountain of Wayne. And it's a really good cover.

but the cute guy who plays the uh the rickenbacker the red rickenbacker guitar um he's written on the um the pick guard of his beautiful guitar it says something like nyc and this is thank you rudy oh and i said to my kid um because she's watching the video with me i said uh you want to guess who that is she's like no i was like yes we sit down gather around children There was a time when everybody liked Rudolph Giuliani. Giuliani calls for trial by combat to decide presidential election, despite Biden's win.

Rudolph W. Giuliani, reading here from The New York Times, reporting from Felicia Sonmez. Rudolph W. Giuliani, Trump's personal lawyer, deployed violent imagery Wednesday in describing the president's efforts to overturn Biden's win, calling for the White House race to be settled by, quote, trial by combat. As he addressed a crowd gathered outside the White House, awaiting Trump's remarks, Giuliani asserted that Pence has the power to unilaterally reject the electoral vote tally, even though the vice president has no such authority. Quoting, every single thing that has been outlined as the plan for today is perfectly legal, Giuliani told the crowd.

He falsely claimed that the president, quote, can decide on the validity of these crooked ballots or he can send it back to the legislatures. Give him five to ten days to finally finish the work. So let's have trial by combat, he says. I'm willing to stake my reputation. The president is willing to stake his reputation on the fact that we're going to find criminality here. Is Joe Biden willing to stake his reputation that there's no crime here?

AlexOh, my God. Stake his reputation? Stake his reputation.

MerlinOh, man, a reputation like that, you don't need all at once.

And finally, and finally, do you see the photograph I put up?

AlexLet's, uh, is that a busted NFC tag? What's that there?

MerlinDo you agree? Is this your toothbrush, John? So we agree this is your toothbrush. Bone dry. Now, you've recognized, you've made this to draw the same conclusion I have. So what Alex is looking at here is what appears to be our food, probably, right? or what is that? What do you call it? NFC?

AlexI'm going to say either a busted NFC or a busted RFID for shoplifting.

MerlinThat...

AlexOr to prevent shoplifting.

MerlinThere's a product I know when you do leave the house once or twice a month, there's a product, I believe, upon information that you sometimes acquire. Can you guess what that's from?

We're looking here You're at an ARFID on a piece of cardboard. That's a McDonald's cold drink cup.

Speaker AWhat?

MerlinThat's the butt of the cup. The butt of the cup. We'll put this in show notes. The butt of the cup? The butt of the cup. This is the bottom of the cup. I cut it out with a Gerber utility knife so I could show it to you.

AlexOh, my goodness.

MerlinDull blade. That's why there's hesitation marks. But it's an ARFID with a red vertical line through it.

AlexYeah, which...

MerlinSo they're tracking their cups. They have a chip. There's a chip. A chip, Alex. A chip in my cup.

AlexMay I ask what service you used for research purposes? Oh, like who delivered it? Yeah. Uber Eats. Which giggity boy?

MerlinUber, giggity, giggity Uber Eats.

AlexOkay. Because I now need to try this out.

MerlinYou need to find this. And then we're going to... You know what? I should say... You know what? I wonder if I could turn this into... I wonder if I could turn this into a NFC tag for HomeKit

Alexthat's why I want to try

Merlinand then it'll order Amazon drinks for me can I please have three NFC tags and three free cups of coke I think I found a way to beat the system oh my gosh

Alexwhat if it's kind of like you know they used to have the I'm sorry, Quinn. My stammer's been bad this week. Stop talking to Quinn. Don't do that. Talk to me. I'm sorry. You're my daddy. I'm present in the moment. I'm calm and composed, but very excited to see if mine comes with an NFC thingy dingus chip. I don't know what it's called. Because what if this is like a Monopoly game thing?

MerlinSecret Monopoly.

AlexYeah.

MerlinGotta catch them all. yeah okay this could be your park place you don't know until you scratch it

Speaker Aokay do it let me you know what i didn't look i'm pretty sure

Merlinlet's see what else here okay i have in my hand a bag so you you mentioning the uh the vendor who brought this to me makes me wonder if it's on other things and if it is it's on the cup i don't know i don't know i don't know when i worked at mcdonald's um 1985 The crew, as we call it, of the store, as we call it, were permitted to drink all the Coke you want, more or less, within reason, as long as you use your own cup. But it's the cup.

Basically, you're selling a cup.

AlexYes.

MerlinThe cup is the most expensive part of a fountain drink. I guess people know this.

AlexOh, I thought it was the top. I did not know that. Thank you. Thank you.

MerlinWell, yeah, but it's important for a couple reasons because it's always a couple things with McDonald's. One is that the cups are costly, but second, and arguably as importantly, it's how they figure out how many Cokes they sold.

AlexOh.

MerlinSo, yeah, one unit of Coca-Cola equals equals one cup.

AlexOh, my goodness.

MerlinIt's sort of like if you throw your bananas away to try and make extra money. Always money in the banana stand.

AlexOh, man. Was it the McDonald's Corporation proper that called you the crew? Was it like the, you know, Chick-fil-A family or is that just your branch?

MerlinI think it's an industry thing. We're a franchise McDonald's, which means it wasn't a very good McDonald's. But they still had to, you know, within reason, you know, hue to the rules. You're supposed to like when you make a quarter pounder with cheese, it gets two pickles and it's critical that the pickles not touch. According to I mean, this is one of the many things like you can't have like mustard squirting out the side and shit. You need to make something that could be a photograph. But franchise, in my experience, gets pretty lax about those rules.

AlexI mean, that's her longstanding challenge is to, well, one day when, quote, back to normal, visit Hamburger University to discover the secrets. And, you know, they've got style guides, which I do find genuinely interesting.

MerlinThey might give you like a chip or something. Another chip. You know, like an Escape from New York explosion capsule, and if you tell the secret, it blows up. Or like a Battle Royale collar, something where you go to the university, and then you graduate with a degree in keeping secrets. Much like the Catholic Church.

AlexOh, Dick Doug. Keep going, you've got more here. Well, it keeps trying to suggest to me a large regular Coke. no no no i want i want a diet um i and this is not i am i'm not regular coke shaming it's a

Merlinregular a regular a regular is a size um yes and classic is a coke oh it's this application it's like saying venti you have to say venti oh oh i'm so are you doing it you doing are you ubering your

Alexeats right now yes you do postmates you're a postmates person i am usually actually a grubhub person because it's based in chicago and it's you so the and also um you know i'm spoiled and know the big tech boys who are like here's the coupon code although uh oh cool can't put prop 22 here

Merlinfuck you grubhub well their app sucks the least in my opinion and um oh god who's the one oh god actually i think it's grubhub was a grubhub where they fucked up the way you do tips now

Alexall of well they were the first all of oh my god that's so gross because i'm a 20 man

MerlinI mean, unless we're talking like hundreds of dollars or something Generally, I'm a 20% man

AlexWait, wait, what are you buying that's

MerlinUh, MacBook Pro?

AlexOh, but you can't tip there

MerlinYou're missing my point Oh, I apologize My point is if we get something And I, no, no, no, no, no

AlexI wanted to know if you bought hundreds of dollars worth of McDonald's Because I have done that

MerlinThat's how I get my NFC tags, Alexandra But here's the point

Speaker AIt's just so stupid

Merlinum is that okay so for example i it's been a frustration to me for a long time i know i imagine must be frustrating to to those folks is that not all orders are created equal like dollars are meaningful to a point but if you think about it like you know there's a reason those vending machines in airports brilliantly are selling like, you know, Apple headphones

and stuff where they're selling, you know, I mean, very, very high, I forget the term in retail, but it's like dollars per square inch or cubic inch, right? So like if you have, so if you have a retail place, your goal is to increase the basically how much money you make per, I'm going to say per square foot of your place, although Oh, cubic makes more sense. But like, so the thing is, in grocery stores, like selling frozen peas, there's not a lot of dough in that. You know, there's dough in selling a gift card.

Each one of those gift cards is really tiny and it doesn't take up much space. And that could be worth $500. And I guess, you know, however, you see my point, right? Like the stuff you see on an end cap tends to be, I think it used to be stuff that they have too much of. Now today, stuff on an end cap is either something they were compensated to have on an end cap. or in the case of something like gift cards, it's how you make the real dough. So it's frustrating to me because like, yeah, sometimes we get cat litter and like, you know, $20 worth of cat litter is a lot heavier than $20 worth of gift card or whatever.

You know what I mean? I wish there was a way to do some algo that combines how difficult it is to get these items. Did you have to talk to anybody like at a counter and wait for something like to get my turkey exactly right or whatever, right? did you did you were there did it take a lot of time because there were lots of replacements and you had to again talk to somebody do you have more of these in the back these are all things these folks have to do um you know so how many items how heavy are the items right how etc etc

Alexetc just making it about dollars is like kind of crazy i i i mean yes but uh capitalism if you buy

Merlinif you buy like a bunch of beer or i'm trying to think of a good example of this but you know if you do a Costco, if you do a Costco, for example, and like you get it like me, you get a rib roast. Well, buying just the rib roast is way more than enough money to the $35 to get a delivery. But it does seem a little unfair to me. And in the sense, not unfair to me, but you know what I mean? Like if, if we spent $80 on this one piece of meat or whatever, like it seems a little bit nuts to give that person,

you know, 20 bucks. and the same person would get 20 bucks for like bringing me like a million pokemons or something

Alexwell if if there's got to be a way to figure it out well if you find out uh if that person exists i want to know uh but i wish that i also wish that you could tip like there's i i i wish we could tip the amazon people like delivering the fucking cat litter like i i realized that when you said end cap i had to think i know what that is but i literally cannot picture it in my head until i'm like oh yeah like super bowl promotion with all the soda and the yeah yeah or they spell

Merlinsomething yeah yeah you know they spell super bowl super beer oh god they do yeah yeah they do that yeah and then of course the dad comes along and comically knocks it over oh you realize they weren't full and then somebody walks in holding a coffee cup with obviously no coffee in it And you're like, why did you let George be treated like that?

AlexHe's too good for this world. He was too good.

MerlinSo then you remember, he's too good for every world. You remember they won an end cap.

AlexOh, yeah. I am conflicted often because I really don't know what level of crazy I am. And not just in my neurodiverse broken brain way, but, you know, going to stores and stuff.

Merlinlike i i i truly yeah i mean it's like finding out at the age of 30 that you wipe wrong yeah that you you yeah you're actually supposed to go side or whatever and you're like wait a minute does everybody do that i mean or what you know what i mean who knows those moments stop together like magnets i don't want to find out i'm wiping wrong and now i'm too scared to

Alexwell there was one of those uh like pretty obviously fake am i the asshole posts where It's like my girlfriend is, I think my girlfriend is wiping her ass with magic, Clorox magic erasers. And I thought for a second, that might be pleasant in certain situations where maybe you don't have a bidet and you're behind, like you're downstairs as is very sensitive. I was like, huh, huh.

Yeah. And I didn't try it.

MerlinMaybe you just threw in a huge paint job at your friend's house. Also, Americans, every other country, they're laughing at you. They're all laughing. The other countries look at us and they're like, let me understand. Okay, so you take some filler paper and wipe your ass on it and then you're done. Wow, okay, well, don't come to my house. In other places, you have the bidets. You have the various ablutions and washing and you might have a wipe depending on where you go. It's a very Richard Scarry World of Tomorrow kind of thing. But there's a lot of two-stage things in other places.

It's not just one and then you leave and don't wash your hands. like Americans, right? But you follow, and so the reason I say is, there might, I could very much see a use case, especially if you have had a yard sale or a paint job. I could very much see wanting a Mr. Clean sponge. But don't go side to side. That was a prank. Don't do that. I'm not a lawyer. I ain't all.

AlexAre we going to talk about the call? Are we going to talk about the best podcasts in the

Merlinworld? Oh my god. Did you finish what you wanted to say? Oh, you want to be able to tip people from

AlexAmazon yeah I agree I agree I mean I I just was you know a very very generous person and tipped 30 30 percent on my uh large diet coke and medium when you're on your seat coke yeah not safe for work so so yeah I'm very generous uh and I'm generous because of this podcast and our patreon which you can find at giveusyourfuckingmoney.com and that you're so good I had a

Merlintransition and I like yours better. Let's do them both. You finish yours.

AlexYeah, I got a hard out, so I got to finish. And that is where you can

Merlinfind... I haven't had a hard out in years.

AlexWoof. That is where you can support the podcast and, God, I was on a roll and I've

Speaker Alost my heart out.

AlexAnd sometimes we do

Speaker Alittle traits, but more importantly,

Alexthere's a whole second episode of this lovely situation that you're listening to right now. Yeah. And that's where I got gossip.

MerlinWe're here to please you. We're here to take your money.

AlexYeah.

MerlinOkay, ready? This is going to be the clue ending number two. Ready? Okay. Okay, ready? Got a heart out. Okay, hang on. Let me think. Magic time. Showtime, folks. Oh, Alex, do you think that your Coke with the NSC tag might arrive by the time that we do the after show?

AlexI think it might.

MerlinWell, then you all should hang around by going to giveusyourfuckingmoney.com. Give us some money. You can hear about Alex's NFC tag.

AlexI'll eat the fries for the muck bankers.

MerlinYou do that. You do that. Phone call.

AlexI just have to say. Oh, God. I don't have to say anything. I want to say that I agree with one of my radio and podcasting heroes, Starly Kine, of election profit makers. that the phone call the president had a couple days ago contesting the results of the Georgia election is one of the best podcasts ever made. I was riveted, riveted.

MerlinSo David had listened to excerpts, but Starley and John had listened to the whole thing, and they were pitching David on the idea that it's extremely important. I listened to it for, I haven't listened to the whole thing three times, but I've listened to a big part of it three times because it is amazing. And then basically they're pitching like why. And it's as Alex says, Starley and John, and then they just keep treating it like it's a podcast. One hour of the president yelling at the Georgiemen about the 11,000, 25,600 votes he needs.

And we'll get to that in a minute. I agree with you. I so I'm up to I don't know if I got to the part you sent me a link for but also Starley

Alexman you know isn't she amazing she I think is one of the most talented people I've ever

Merlinput into my ear holes like I she doesn't always like throw her entire internal self out she kind of but you get enough through these little teaspoons of how she seems as a person and then sometimes she gives you a tablespoon of how she is as a person you're like fuck man I forget what it was today, but I was listening to it this morning, obviously. And she said something. She just, I don't know. She kind of inspires me. I know it's a lot of pressure to put on a stranger, but I really.

AlexWell, no, because she won't hear it. She's too good for this world.

MerlinI understand that.

AlexShe's too good for this world.

MerlinAll right, okay. You're saying she's up there with George and Izzy?

AlexNot Izzy, folks.

MerlinWell, the elevator doors close, you know what I'm saying?

AlexOh, fuck Izzy.

Speaker AThe elevator opens for no one. Oh, God.

MerlinSo this call and he just talks for like 10 minutes. The way he goes through, obviously he's got some kind of a bulleted list of all the things he needs them to look into. And it just keeps getting battier and battier.

AlexWell, but I agree. And I think he but he deviates from those points. And this call, every probably every human.

MerlinSmooth brain, totally smooth brain. He's never sounded more like a deranged Fox grandpa.

AlexWell, well, but here's here's the thing. And this isn't one of the like Kamala Harris. I'm speaking of performative moments. I promise every woman, most women have been in a meeting like that. And I think that's why I can't stop.

MerlinYou want me to explain that to you? Would it be helpful if I explain it to you?

Alexbrad brad brad brad i i listen i know brad but what i'm asking brad as quoted as quoted

Merlinrebecca solnit quoted in that book that we read this week man explained things to me oh yes that's what i highlighted i love the way her book opens with a man explaining something to her when he doesn't realize that it's her book that she wrote that he's referring to

AlexOh my god.

MerlinMen explain things to me.

AlexAnd I was lucky enough to watch this on YouTube because, you know, I'm one of those monsters who listens to podcasts at like two point very fast speeds. But I literally paused election profit makers and was like, OK, Starly, I must listen to this because I do not want this call spoiled. So I listened to it on YouTube. So there was no, it was not sped up. There was no strip silence. So the awkward pauses after he says something.

Oh my God.

MerlinYou mean while he's still doing his presentation or you mean before the other guys speak?

AlexOh, before the other guys speak. Like when he just says something like, well, just why can't we? Why can't we? When they just keep answering the question over and over. And it's.

MerlinI cackled out loud at a moment. I'd already heard twice. That's just so amazing. He's going on and on with this, like, like, he's like the Walt Whitman of making shit up. Just these line after line after line. He's going through all these things. And then he gets to the one. He's like, also, you know, we're hearing reports. We're hearing reports that 300 or 3000. He says, we're hearing reports that 300, 3000 pounds of ballots were destroyed. I've never heard ballots referred to as something you measure in pounds.

And to add an order of magnitude to it, he realized what he was saying didn't sound crazily impressive enough. And so he added an order of magnitude. 3,000 pounds of ballots were destroyed. And then you know about the suitcases. The suitcases.

AlexThe suitcases that bleep.

MerlinAnd many affidavits. Many affidavits.

AlexMany, many. Are we looking into that? Are your lawyers looking into that? Brad, Brad, Brad. Brad.

MerlinBrad. Brad. It's, you know, it's going to make things very difficult.

AlexIt's going to be very, very.

MerlinIt could be very costly. And I was like, hey, those are my words.

AlexI know that everyone has. I don't want to say everybody has gone for the easy joke of like, oh, yeah, this is how mob bosses talk. But sure, like this is sure. Conan and everybody, you know what a mob boss talks like. But this is also how every incompetent manager talks and like a someone who doesn't know how to manage a project.

MerlinHe puts the man in manager.

AlexAnd they just keep saying over and they just keep explaining. And this is something like I went into this call not really care. I'm like, I don't really know. Like what? I don't know what's going on. And they very succinctly explain in toddler terms. I think even Caillou could understand what was going on. But it was it was just wild. Oh, and then he he he keeps saying like it's it's like as he's talking, his brain is smoothing out even more because he keeps messing up like he's pulling what I do.

We're saying it's going for Biden. I mean, Trump. I mean, it's when Biden Trump.

MerlinYou get little folds popping. as his brain becomes more of a sphere.

You're also really on to something, though, because there is a thing that a manager, a male manager type does. I mean, I know there's probably lots of people that do it, but just to support your bit, I've been in meetings where like there's also the thing of like, you know, the way that he's basically he's asking a lot of stuff from these guys. That's in some cases, I mean, like setting aside us being liberal cocks who don't have any sense. Like he is obviously sort of detached from reality in some sense. Like Starley says, I think she said this is one of the first time.

AlexNever met a manager like that.

MerlinNever, never, never. OK. OK. And he but but that, you know, she's saying that like this is the first time she really understood that he does think he won. Yes. That he really I mean, he's not in some part of his extremely smooth brain. Like, no, not some part in a lot of parts. He can't imagine a world in which he's lost this. And then John puts a little bit of sauce on that taco by saying, and the problem is the other Republicans won. It's he who is the one who lost the loser, if you like.

Right. So we've all had that manager who's like or that like somebody you work for. It could be you can even say a client, but you've worked with somebody. I could told you one of the first websites I ever made was a guy who wanted to make a website. This is 1995 or six. And it's a guy who wanted to make a website where he would drop ship carpeting to your house. And then and so, you know, it would be nice if we had a way to like show the different. And I was like, whoa, OK, so I'm just like like like like so somebody brings rolls of carpeting.

to your house? And he's like, yeah, yeah. And I was like, okay, well, you're the carpet man, but like, how would they get it inside and on the floor and installed? And he's like, well, you know, they save a lot of money by not having, you know, the usual retail channels. And I said, no, it's really good. People love money. How would it get from like the truck to like being in your kid's room? He's like, well, problem is traditional channels, you know, you know, have this sort of rent seek and he goes into some kind of lingo and I'm having so much trouble,

like maybe because I'm the dumb guy, right? But if you're a salesperson, it would be nice if you could explain this to people, the, as we used to say, value proposition of what you're doing and what is the single greatest thing a salesperson can do, which is to overcome objections. And so like, it was funny to me on a couple levels because I thought the idea was ludicrous. I thought his response to it was very strange, but it's kind of the same thing with the president here, right? In that he has such a strong idea in his head about how this should work that you can't really

say that's insane. Or you can't really, I mean, you can, but like it's not going to change his mind. And he's just going to keep pressing it until you agree to something that makes no sense.

AlexIt was wild. I just, I don't know how like I yeah, that's all I got. It was crazy.

MerlinChallenge.

AlexChallenge.

MerlinWe can make this one pretty quick.

AlexThis week's challenge was yours, Merlin. And you asked us to keep a commonplace book. And I did not even know what a combo.

MerlinIt was a combo. We did another combo. Second in a row combo.

AlexCombo.

MerlinCombo.

Alexwhich was explained to me actually really well in the uh gardener's quotations book that you recommended um that's part 2a of the challenge yes yes and it he this guy has just like written down little quotes from uh really anything he's read in his entire life but he's got good taste

Merlina lot of like Zadie Smith and Richard Brodigan. And he's, like we said before, he's a guy who is a book critic and he just has collected these, as one does with a commonplace book, collected these quotes over the years. And the kind of fun, there's a couple of fun things about this because it's always a couple of things with Dwight Garner. One is that he is not a fan of the Bartlett's quotation style. Like, I like the bad and early to rise. He wants to, what he has written down here is great stuff that you would generally not see.

You might see this on WikiQuote, but you're not going to see this in Bartlett's quotations. And then he curates it in a way that's very difficult to describe, except there's a flow. Wouldn't you agree, like a flow in section to section of one quote that kind of makes a lot of sense before and after these other quotes? So that it's almost like a narrative in some ways.

AlexIt is, and the flow, though, is almost like a really weird natural river because one of my notes is that he seems very horny because it just keeps on weaving in and out to really funny quotes about masturbating and fucking. But I was interested in how is he creating this narrative?

Like did, like in his intro, he talks about how, you know, he's just curated all this. And I'm like, oh, is also is this a practice of, you know, creating this narrative for yourself? I just found that super interesting despite the horniness that got a bit much.

MerlinThere's a certain horniness. I can't decide if I peanut buttered because you know I'm either like you know the war doctor or maybe I'm like maybe I'm like Ozymandias like I did this years ago like I've been doing this for a long time it did cause me to dig up some old notebooks that are commonplace books I don't know I'm just interested in now and thinking about like how we use notebooks and the role that it has in our life not just functionally but sort of emotionally and that kind of thing.

Your controversial thing, you're worried I'll want to cut out. Do you want to cover that in the after show? It might be good after show talk.

AlexOh, actually.

MerlinBecause that's a challenge idea anyway, right?

AlexYes and no. Let's just say I want to do a fun thing with patrons because I realized I can totally handle people. I can handle anger towards myself, but I'm not as great with loneliness. and I like books. So let's talk about it in the after show. Yeah.

MerlinOkay. Wow. So all the more reason for you to give us your literal fucking money.

AlexYep. Listen to Alex, be sad.

MerlinIt's where you got a hard out. So I have here before me my highlights file where I selected some quotes that I particularly liked. But I got to say this book. So who's I talking to? I guess talking to Dan yesterday. I forget. But somebody was saying recently, like, what are you reading? And I think, oh, yeah, it was Dan because he was referring. Oh, yeah.

AlexYou called it, you didn't, you're like, it's not a real book.

MerlinWell, and I also mentally conflated it with that, that Dreyer's English book that I like a lot. But no, he's talking about comic books. And I was saying, yeah, it's not really a book. It's, it's very, this is great good asleep content. Because it is, it's very, it's very well done. I think it's, I think he did a real good job with this. A lot of the reviews of it that are negative are prudish people who don't like his horniness. But did you like it?

AlexWell, when I say horniness, it was almost like hat on the hat-y. He also goes back to a lot of interesting quotes from first wave feminists, a lot of Dorothy Parker, which was awesome.

MerlinYeah. There's a lot of quotes from women in general. Oh, yeah. It was super great. And I'll take a Zadie Smith quote any day.

AlexIt was just like, I'm like, okay, there's only so much I can hear about Ernest Hemingway. and uh uh he sounds like an asshole doesn't he oh for sure that that broke my page page 55

Merlinpage 55 location 987 zady smith don't confuse honors with achievement oh right let me uh i

Alexpeanut oh wait oh no boop boop boop boop are my fries here oh boy um oh boy but let me send you

MerlinMight be Dougie.

AlexOh, God. That would be something. All right. Sorry. I'll be right back.

MerlinGo. Go to the door. Yeah. I'll keep reading. Let's see. Samuel Johnson. You must not mind me, madam. I say strange things, but I mean no harm. Here's Dame Rebecca West. I only know that people call me a feminist whenever I express sentiments that differentiate me from a doormat. Oh, God.

And oh, Raven Carver with the titular line from a great short story. It ought to make us feel ashamed when we talk like we know what we're talking about when we talk about love. Dear listener, that's a fucking great sentence. And I'm going to read it again. It ought to make us feel ashamed when we talk like we know what we're talking about when we talk about love. Yeah. So that's from the story called What We Talk About When We Talk About Love. Dolly Parton says, just give me my potato, any kind of potato, and I'm happy. I like that one a lot. Let's see. Oh, Gary Snyder, the poet.

I mentioned this one last week. Don't own anything you wouldn't leave out in the rain. John Waters. Holy shit. What a dunk. Real wealth is never having to spend time with assholes. The great John Waters. Let's see. Page 123. E.E. Cummings was as hot against materialist society as only a poet living on a trust fund can be. Clive James.

AlexI'm almost back. I'm almost back.

MerlinYou're good. No, no, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't. Gore Vidal says, whenever a friend succeeds, a little something in me dies. Catherine Whitehorn, outside every thin woman is a fat man trying to get in.

Speaker AOkay.

MerlinDylan Thomas, an alcoholic is someone you don't like who drinks as much as you do. I got some more Zadie in here somewhere. Let's see. Intelligence is nothing without delight. uh how carl of nosgaard how desperate do you have to be to start doing push-ups to solve your

Alexproblems i don't think i got i i got there i got to pay i'm at 47 i'm halfway through uh i'm at i'm at 140 um or no a little bit further than that but it is good sleep reading because then i think i fell asleep um but i did i i also kind of went through some of my old oh god i'm heartbroken that um i think i actually lost my gigantic uh plain text file of quotes from quote book which

um is from uh was made by a friend of the show matthew bischoff and they founded lickability which is the best company name ever. But I have like a giant stack of hard drives and I hope that I can find it.

MerlinOh no.

AlexBut of all of, I realized that because I've been reading a lot of books lately, there are just things that I did remember like verbatim, like Talia Levin in, I think it was called Culture Warlords. And she goes undercover basically in all of these like just wild Nazi hate groups. Oh wow. and uh a jewish a jewish woman yeah yeah and is yikes it is one of the most important and

most horrifying things i've read this year uh and entertaining but um the thing that just i think about every day is she's like i hate that they taught me how to hate and like oh boy that just

Merlinkind of killed me yeah there's a really good gold in my ear quote along those lines too um um goldeneye is speaking to i think you know somebody i forget somebody from palestine i guess and it's something like we we can we can forgive you for killing our children but we'll never forgive you for making us kill yours something like that and like damn whoa i mean regardless of how you feel about any of the characters in that that's a that's a really strong uh uh idea yeah um did you want to go eat and drink oh i well i have my beverage beverages

Well, don't save it for the show. Save it for the show.

AlexI will.

MerlinWe're using this. We're leveraging this. Alex, we're leveraging this.

AlexI know, I know. But the most, I went back to, there's a lot of funny quotes about poetry in this, which I liked, which led me to pull out some of my old poetry books. And with-

MerlinThat you wrote or read?

AlexOh, I'm not going to answer that question. But one that I read called Take Me With You by Andrea Gibson. And this is something I think about and try to do a lot. Commit to loving yourself completely. It's the most radical thing you will do in your lifetime, which I'm agreeing with that, honestly. And this is something that really, really sticks with me.

some people will never understand the kind of superpower it takes for some people to just walk outside which is kind of how a lot of people feel right now. So yeah. That's good.

MerlinI hope you find that.

AlexThis whole thing's good. I'll put it in a note.

MerlinInterlibrary loan is my sexual preference.

AlexYes! and now Quinn you can do with this what you want I know I'm kind of picky about the jazz breaks but I'm eating maybe we can put this at the end I'm eating my McDonald's fries because as as we know a former employee of the McDonald's corporation Merlin and my co-host

Merlin men, uh, the fries gotta be eaten right out of the fryer. So here, hmm. It is, hmm. This is actually a good idea. Ah.

Well, there goes my cholesterol. Sorry, Maddie. Yeah, I need a napkin.

220. Two Point Very Fast

Show notes

Transcript

220. Two Point Very Fast

Show notes

Transcript

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