217. Pikachu Empreg Feet Net Worth

AlexThis is Do By Friday, a weekly challenge podcast. This week's challenge, have a holiday party.

Oh my goodness, it's Kevin Budnick. Hello. Hello. You're the first and only person here party i know right how are you how are you doing i'm punctual are we recording should i we well we are okay a b r always be recording where is everybody merlin my camera's so big

i really gotta shave my eyebrows you shave how do you shave your eyebrows just in the middle

Speaker Aoh just to get rid of you know just to like get rid of the the little middle hairs the unibrow

Alexsituation see i have always been a plucking person and it like people used to people used to be like oh yeah if you keep getting rid of your hair it's never gonna grow back and and i'm like yes that that is the idea not the point i i desire this that's correct all right i'm waiting for merlin this is so funny i mean by fun i love doing the thing where i'm like

this is funny instead of laughing i do that all the time too uh this is a thing that has been

Speaker Abrought up to me with a bunch of friends that I've been playing video games with over the last few months. And some of them are comedians and it used to bug the shit out of them. They were like, oh. I was like, no, that's just what I do. Don't worry. It's not an insult. I promise.

AlexAll right. Stay here and I'm going to get Merlin, hopefully.

Speaker ACan't go anywhere. I thought you guys were already going to be going.

AlexI thought so too. Well, exactly right. Merlin and I chatted seven days ago. We're gonna add feels just like old times, doesn't it? Oh, I know. The gang's all back together, except I'm not afraid of being yelled at. What a time to be alive. Merlin unavailable. What now? uh oh oh oh merlin oh dear oh tiff joined hey hey happy holidays i don't know why i just used

all right merlin will be here soon i'm sorry that he's late oh my goodness damn you guys people can't do anything right can you this is supposed to be my job a little bit kind of it's been a year alex a year to get this right and i thought you guys were recording for like a half hour before no no we we wouldn't start without you oh oh my

tiff you remember our art director extraordinaire of dubai friday and life cartoonist Kevin Budnick?

Speaker ATotes. I'd so follow him on Insta. We're mutuals. No big deal. MBD. I'm the only one. I have my camera on. I don't know if that's a problem. I don't have it on a bra, so I figured I'd have the camera off.

AlexYeah, neither do... Oh, wait. I guess I do.

Speaker AIt's cozy night.

AlexIt is. I do have a gigantic ditto pillow in my lap and it's really nice.

Speaker AI have on lobster pants.

AlexOh. Are there any lobsters in particular? Like one specific lobster? Or many?

Speaker ANo, it's many lobsters in the shape of mandalas on comfy pants.

AlexWait. Like the Buddhist? Wait.

Speaker ANo, like the swirly design patterns. What are they called? Moncalas? Mandalas. All right, all right, got it right. This is geometric configuration of symbols. Look at my art knowledge.

AlexI feel like this was a significant part of some television show, and that's why some monks came to the White House. Oh, yeah, something like that.

Speaker AI'm looking at it right now, and they do have a spiritual meaning, slightly. Like it's kind of upper I wonder what my lobster one means Spiritually It says that they're a tool For establishing a sacred space And to aid is meditation So maybe it's some sort of like lobster deity

AlexOh, oh it was House of Cards Tiff, your pants are cancelled

Speaker AOh I knew it was House of Cards I thought that was a bit I thought you were doing like a jokey joke

AlexNo, no Well as Kevin and I established earlier i'm in the sort of mood where i say oh that's funny instead of actually laughing which is interesting but it's so funny chuckle chuckle chuckle it says wait there here i'm gonna turn on my video so you can see my pants this is important i'm gonna i don't i wouldn't know how to turn on my video if i tried that's all that's i think you you click the thing that looks like a video

camera alex oh who's who's this is oh is this dr don it it is hi guys dr don and dr ben are here

Speaker Ahow does this work hey i'm really upset to know what everyone looks like

Alexi'll turn my video off sorry tiff oh god there's grid views and there's speaker views this truly is the most utilitarian app I... Is Skype even an app a service?

Speaker AIt's a program?

AlexRun by a computer? A computer program? A computational program. Well, okay, because we are all here already, I think let's just get the plugs out of the way. Otherwise, at 2 a.m. I'm going to be like, hey, where should people go to find you on the internet?

Speaker AI'm not into plugs, personally.

AlexAll right, there's Tiff. And doctors, Benjamin and Donald, where can people find you on the internet?

Speaker CWell, Don just went on mute. he doesn't want people to find us on the internet people can find us at riskyornot.co and foodsafetytalk.com the two fun podcasts that we do

Alexand you are here specifically to answer definitively all of our COVID questions correct

Speaker Cyes and I have to apologize as soon as you asked us to plug our stuff I touched my headphones and I got a shock and then my microphone went dead so this is going to be great that's why Tim's not into plugs I think

Speaker AI'm just not a plug kind of gal what can I say

AlexI mean I don't like plugs either I'm more of an outlet person but you know that's just me

Speaker Coh and I think I need to apologize to Quinn right now because every time I unplug my microphone and plug it back in it starts a new call recorder file so I'm sorry Quinn

Alexoh if if something goes horribly i might be editing this one uh unless you're hearing this quinn in which case thank you editor quinn cannot join us tonight um because of literally being in the woods without internet so we'll see how that goes no it's not nice why do people when Why would it be nice?

Speaker ATo not have internet or to be in the woods? Or both, I guess, in your case. Well, it's important to not look at your computer all day, Alex. I don't know how I can, I don't know what else I can say.

AlexI mean, I go from a big screen to like the little screen to, oh no, I guess I go from a medium screen during the day to a big screen at night and then a teensy tiny screen in bed. And then I fall asleep and have nightmares. So that's a break.

Speaker CCan I tell you about my nightmare?

AlexYes, please.

Speaker CSo last night I had a dream that I was trying to convince Merlin to do a TV show about productivity.

MerlinOh, no. What a wild, wild night.

Speaker CAnd he was not happy with me. And so it was a very bad dream.

AlexI'm a little unhappy with you just because your subconscious thought that was a good idea

Speaker CI know I know I woke up I was very embarrassed with myself I'm like how could you do that why

Alexwould you tell him that I mean I think that deserves a personal apology like apple note worthy but it's it's up to you oh how how is everybody this evening has everybody started a holiday party I imagine everybody with fancy cocktails and lobster pants, honestly. No.

Speaker CI have jeans and red wine.

AlexOh, my God. How sophisticated. Yeah.

Speaker AEveryone should say what they're drinking and what their pants are.

AlexUh-huh.

Speaker COkay. Okay. I'm drinking some whiskey that is named Benjamin Chapman, which is the most insane thing that I've ever done. That's a little too on a nose.

AlexWow.

Speaker CWell, but it is on the nose, but someone gave this to me and I saved it for like a special occasion. And I thought, you know, bring your Christmas spirit. This was this was it. That's literally literally.

Exactly. And and I'm wearing some terrible shorts because I live in North Carolina and all I do is wear shorts.

AlexLiving the dream.

Speaker AHonestly, wearing shorts, drinking whiskey. I got my whiskey shorts on.

AlexDr. Don has red wine and jeans, which are two things that I never have inside my home. Ben is drinking himself. And Kevin, how about you?

Speaker AI've got my traditional black skinny jeans on, and I'm drinking a beer from Half Acre, which is a brewery that is in my neighborhood.

AlexOpsec.

Speaker Athis particular well i just said in my neighborhood didn't you notice i didn't say where uh try and find me um my this particular beer is uh a beer benefiting the aclu double india pale ale 10 of the purchase price of people power will be donated to the aclu

Alexnice social justice and alliteration i love it yeah pop in my peas

Speaker Atiff how about yourself i have a coconut milk eggnog and belvedere vodka which i should not be pairing such a nice vodka with such a trashy mix in but we're going for it because it's holiday honey and i'm wearing my mandala lobster pajama pants because why not

AlexI'm drinking a Cox on the Rocks, which is Diet Coke and Tito's vodka, which I know isn't really vodka, but my Belvedere is being kept until Christmas. I'm sorry that you're not. You know what? No. Matchy?

Speaker AI busted out the good stuff for you.

AlexMatchy?

Speaker AThis is important.

AlexGrace? Grace? Grace? Grace? Oh, boy. oh and my pants are my standard Goodfellas Target brand plaid pajama pants thin fleece which is a way I think for them to say plaid but not but without saying plaid I don't know like these are not lesbian pants oh oh fuck Kara's here oh my god

you hear me? Yes. Hey, Kara, where's your microphone? I look, all I know how to do is Oh my God, Kara, you're definitely not. Okay. Okay. All right. Everybody, the holiday party's going fine. Kara, can you hit command comma for me? Command comma. Oh, look at that. and go to audio and video.

Hold on, hold on. Oh my God. Where does it say audio and video? I'm so sorry. You're in the Skype computer program. Yes. Command comma. It says account, profile, appearance, audio, and video. No, it just says general and account.

Speaker Cplease don't waste your time doing this no go down like uh like four to where it says audio and video account profile general appearance audio and video do you not see that this is always my favorite part of any conference i go to when someone tells the other person how to use powerpoint and and it's like no it's it's it's over to the right oh god you're a presentation tool

Alexcan you just text me i'm so embarrassed right now yes you should be because now i'm sad because i'm thinking about all of the teachers who have to do this every morning because why are children is supposed to have to understand how to do this.

All right. Hang up and I will text you and it'll be okay. You've got that nice, fancy microphone. All right. Bye, Kara. Actually, does anyone know who Kara Fagan is?

Speaker CYeah. I used to work with Kara. I think I follow her on Twitter. And I don't know why. I think it's because I think you might retweet her and she says funny things and I mean

AlexKara is my best friend of like 15 years oh god marching towards death 15 years and came up with the phrase cox is cucks because she was so upset that people would pay to listen to a podcast and now she doesn't listen to any of them but she's working late and I'm like hop on the call because that's how we socialize now as a species. Woo.

I'm sorry, Tiff. You have your mandala and you're drinking the vodka of my people. Belvedere, yes.

Speaker AYes. I think that was it. I covered the bases, the drink and the pants.

AlexThe drink and the pants. I see that Jason Snell has joined. Jason, what are you wearing?

Speaker Bthat wasn't the question it's a it's a really sexy number alex we just want to know about your pants just your pants just just just your pants do you mean the british pants or the american pants

Alexoh well that's the thing is we know that tiff isn't wearing a bra and i'm wearing a sports bra

Speaker Athat was just for the few people who were here before thank you alex

Alexjust to recap uh yeah well jason we we just went around in a friendship circle and to talk about what we what pants we are wearing whether or not they're professional or leisurely and what

Speaker Bbeverages we're enjoying at the moment i am uh wearing blue jeans levi's 501s uh they're not I forget, 514, I want to say? I don't know. They got a zipper.

They got a zipper and not a button fly. And I am drinking a Saranac Caramel Porter. That's my beer right now. There's one in the hopper for later, but I'm on the Saranac Porter right now, which is from New York State, I think.

AlexOh, is it upstate? Tiff, that's where you live, right?

Speaker BNope.

AlexNot upstate? Not way up there? Don't call it. No. I live on the ocean.

Speaker BThe ocean is definitely not upstate.

Speaker AThe ocean up in the mountains. That mountain ocean.

Speaker BI know that. I'm from California and even I know that.

Speaker AThe famous mountain oceans of New York.

Speaker BThe Saranac Brewery is in Utica, New York, which is definitely upstate. That is definitely upstate.

Speaker AI'm having their beer.

AlexIs Buffalo upstate?

Speaker AAbsolutely. You can't get more upstate than Buffalo.

Speaker BIt's the uppest. Yeah, oh man.

Speaker AIt is the uppest of the state.

AlexI truly don't know. And the only reason I asked is because I couldn't find my browser window and to Google it. And the Pokemon Bufalant in Pokemon Go is exclusive to the New York area. And I was like, yeah, right?

Speaker ABecause of the New York Buffaloes?

AlexI guess so.

Speaker ABuffalo, New York. Yeah, Buffalo, New York. Yeah, that makes sense. If it sounds like a branch of Dunder Mifflin, it's probably in upstate New York.

AlexOh, that's so true. Oh, goodness. I recently finished another rewatch of The Office, and that show holds up in a very upsetting way. Like, I thought that hopefully we'd get to a point where, you know, middle age isn't terrible in the corporate world, but nah. Well, I guess it hasn't aged well because they used to be at an office and that doesn't happen. Merlin has joined.

MerlinHello.

AlexHey, Merlin. What are you wearing?

MerlinHello. Oh, I got different cans and it sounds weird. Again, just the bottoms. That's all we need.

Speaker BJust go with it. They want to know about your pants, Merlin. Wait, are we doing video? I'm doing video.

AlexMaybe Merlin's versatile. We don't judge here.

MerlinWhat? I'm judging.

Speaker ALast time I was on the show, we did video.

MerlinOkay. Well, we're not going to make Quinn at a video, though, are we? Oh, look at that. It's Jason Snow. I know him.

Speaker AThis is just a special treat for my friends.

MerlinI'm into it. Give me a second. I've got to screw up all my arrangements. Oh, no. I hate when that happens. I'm sorry. You guys keep doing your thing. I'll join in.

AlexNo. We already did tech support for Kara Fagan briefly when she hopped on the call. So this is, I think, what people tune in for when they want to go to a party.

Speaker CSo in the most podcast thing ever, after I tried to help Kara by looking at Skype preferences, I couldn't talk. And then I had to quit Skype. And then I had to reinstall Call Recorder. So anyway, things are going well.

Speaker BIt's not a party until you reinstall Call Recorder, though, honestly. The pandemic talking, but that's the truth.

AlexI keep putting off switching from Skype to something else because I am on Zoom all day long. And I want just like a tiny visual cue of like, no, now is not the time to be sad. Now is the time for a holiday party. So instead, I'm looking at what eventually will be ghosted by Microsoft. Sunset. I don't know. Whatever the kids are saying these days.

Kevin, you just made a face. This is why we don't do videos.

Speaker AWell, that's what I... That's why the video's good. I don't know what... When you said ghosted, I don't...

AlexLike Left on Red.

Speaker AOh, they're going to ghost the program.

Speaker BIt's only a matter of time before Skype is left by the side of the road. And they say, but Teams is great. You should use Teams. Be a team, team player. Team player. What's a Skype anyway? Skype sounds kind of subversive and weird and Scandinavian, and it's no good. Be a team player.

It's pronounced Skipe.

AlexSkipe. Merlin, have you joined us?

MerlinI think so. Can you see me?

AlexOh, no, but maybe that's because I'm...

Speaker BI can see you and you look fabulous.

AlexOh, her...

Speaker BThe color looks really off. We're doing a very, we're sharing our home haircutting options. Show off your home haircutting. I didn't know we were doing video, so. We may not be. This may not really be a thing we're doing.

MerlinShould we turn off video? Doc is here, Doc is not here.

Speaker BI'll do it if you do it.

AlexWho's going to spin the bottle?

Speaker BNo, it's just, this is how we, oh, oh. Oh, look at that guy. Whoa. Wow. He's not doing audio, though. He's just doing video. I kind of like that. I think that's a nice touch. It's a nice touch. This is like that Richard Pryor. It's a video-only podcast.

MerlinRichard Pryor, G. Wilder movie, where one of them lacks sight and one of them lacks hearing. I can't see here. What do I look like? Oh, there's Alex. Hi, Alex.

AlexHello, hello. Oh, no, I don't want to share my screen. That's even weirder than I read. That's even weirder. Yeah. Incredible.

Speaker AThat's more private than the pants.

MerlinThat's true. More private than pants, raves Tiff Armand.

AlexOh, you guys can see my ditto then. He helps my posture, I'm told. Aw. Oh, and a shirt that says Weed Donalds, so don't pay attention.

Speaker AIt does say Weed Donalds.

AlexYeah.

Speaker AGenius.

AlexNo. Yeah, a bit.

Speaker ASo who else has a snowstorm right now?

AlexOh, what? I'm so jealous. Seascoasters, right?

Speaker AYeah, big snow. Big snow. Yeah, it's supposed to be like two feet, right? It's going to be a lot of snow.

AlexDo you do like a sledding situation? Can you sled by the ocean? What happens there?

Speaker AI think if it snows enough, we could probably sled down the boardwalks.

AlexOh.

Speaker ABut it would have to be a lot of snow.

AlexThat actually sounds amazing.

Speaker ABecause you're not allowed to be on the dunes. So you have to keep off the dunes.

AlexWell, is it like you're not allowed to be on the dunes the same way dogs aren't allowed to run on the beach? Or like, can you really not be on the dunes?

Speaker AOh, no, you really can't be on the dunes.

MerlinLike, it's super illegal. That's where the werewolves are. You got to stay on the road and stay out of the moor.

AlexI thought it was the Baskervilles.

MerlinCouldn't get my kid into American Werewolf in London. Chalk up yet another one.

AlexOh, wow.

MerlinHas the party started?

AlexYeah, yeah.

MerlinYeah.

AlexABR.

MerlinOh, yup, says Dawn. Oh, boy, this is really very multi-eating.

AlexCain wreck.

MerlinOh, my God. Whatever's in the party is in the party.

AlexMerlin, are you enjoying a beverage?

MerlinI wouldn't say I'm enjoying it, Bob. No, I have a beverage I made. I'm going to go easy. I have to get a blood test in the morning, see if I still have blood. The news is in, Mr. Man. You still have blood, just a little bit.

Speaker BIt's mostly ickr these days, but there's a little blood left.

MerlinI'd recommend you not exhort yourself, but clearly that's not a thing you've ever done.

Speaker AWhy on every podcast I'm on do prospectors find their way on here somehow?

Speaker BThis is more of a country doctor. The country doctor, now that's a podcast. The country doctor is diagnosing a prospector.

MerlinI would totally watch that show. Could it be Ellsworth? Oh, Ellsworth and Brad Dorff. I would watch like a Deadwood Babies that's the doctor from Deadwood and Ellsworth I would totally watch that Doc it hurts when I do this with my pickaxe and oh I shouldn't put it in there I may have fucked up my life flatter and hammered shit but I stand before you today boy I know a little bit of almost everything and not a lot hey hi Kara

hi hi hi

Alexoh my god you sounded so polite

Speaker Bthis is the least disciplined video conference ever in that people just randomly are turning their video on and off it's amazing

Speaker Ayeah I turned my back off

AlexI mean in that regard it is a conference call

Speaker AI had this prepared

Merlinoh that's where you can do funny backgrounds right this one's for Alex horses in the drift is running doing 1080p

Alexoh Kevin

MerlinYou're welcome. Oh, no, enough with the feet. You can just hang out behind you.

AlexI mean, I'm going to wait for Mr. Syracuse to join, but I have some... Feet-based humor? I never thought it would be your podcast where I had to turn it off because there was too much talk about feet.

MerlinI'm not allowed to leave it. When John starts talking about his toes, I'm not even allowed to leave. And he actually plays. So John Syracuse has COVID toes. I think. And he likes talking about it and he knows how upset it makes me. Alex, did you listen to the Samus Dot backdoor secret podcast I sent you? Yes. So you heard about his Quasimodo toenail?

AlexOh, yeah. Oh, yeah. And it seems to be a family trait. What the fuck? I mean, all right.

MerlinThe feet thing needs to stop. Y'all get, I'm going to say, 14 more days and then we're not

Alexdoing any more feet things ever. It needs to stop. Well, while we're talking about feet... Oh, hold it, people.

Speaker BThere's some hosting going on. Hosting is happening. Hold on. Yes, Alex?

AlexThat's not how that works. No, no, no. I just really don't like feet. I'm literally wearing slippers, right? I am not a barefooted person.

Speaker AWell, no, Alex, let's explore this.

AlexOkay.

Speaker AAt what age do you think this fear of feet might have started?

AlexThink back. no I don't want to now I'm just thinking about how gross all of the like men I'm thinking of gross public pool toes now that's probably where COVID started

Merlinyou've seen Giuliani's fingers can you imagine what those toes look like

Alexoh right

Merlinthey've probably got rings on them they've got rings on them and smell like a bikini area

Speaker BAlex that killed me you're like hey speaking of feet I don't like them okay solid i like sharing is caring

Alexwell jason what are you what's your opinion of speaking of 2020

Speaker Bi i my feet are uh valuable because they keep me upright that's about all i got

Speaker Ai mean honestly i think my best feature are my feet so yeah there we go just putting that i mean

Alexi i admire that and i admire people who are willing to show their feet it's very hashtag

Speaker Abrave but i mean it's a little upsetting when you're like you know what my best feature is

Alexliterally my feet and that's like they're all the way down there what makes a good foot like what are attractive qualities of the foot covered up yeah yeah well booted socket

Merlinin two feet of snow i think everybody i think everybody has stuff they dislike about their body and i've heard people talk about certain things they really like about their body and like how you can highlight that so like you get a tattoo and you start buying new clothes to show off your tattoo or like maybe you like the way your ankle looks like maybe you're a victorian or something I wonder what I like about me.

Speaker AI think we should all say what we like about ourselves.

AlexYes. Let's go in the circle. Tiff, you're on my screen right now. So you've talked about your feet. Is there anything else that you enjoy about yourself?

Speaker AI like my hair color. I'm cool with that. And yeah, it's the feet. I have very nice feet.

AlexBravo. Bravo.

Speaker AThank you.

AlexThank you. Next in this little circle line, Merlin, what's your favorite thing about yourself?

MerlinOoh, my indecisiveness? No, purely physical. You need to go all physical. Oh, commitment to the bit. Yes, Anne. Here we are today.

AlexPlay in my space.

MerlinCome back to me. I need to think about that. um i don't think i used to i used to like my my my chin and jaw line i used to think that was good um i don't have anything i you know i i really the thing is i don't live in a sort of a corporeal world i reject that concept um i mean i could be like a futurama head in a tank yes my my feet are

Alexvery corporate i mean you do humble brag about your hair quite a bit but you know i think you should just own it you have good hair this yeah yes and then and you have it

Merlini look like reverse robot i have headphones on so much of the day that i get this reverse robot thing where i have like permanent inverse headphones um um come back to me i'm still i'm

Alexstill getting into the bit yes and oh dr dr don how about you i don't like this segment of this

Merlinshow. I like your hair. Oh, you know what? Let's make it creepy. Maybe we each pay each other compliments. I like

Alexyour hair, Dr. Don. Thank you, Merlin. I was just going to say. Do you ever really look at your hand?

MerlinI mean, like, really look at your hand.

AlexI mean, Dr. Don, I knew you were cool, but the first time we met, I'm like, he is, he's too cool to talk to me. He's very dashing. It was upsetting.

Speaker CThe first time we met, Alex, you brought me a Diet Coke, and that was very, very

Alexsweet. It's a little things. Berry on brand for me, too.

MerlinI'm going to write all these down. We should talk about when we first met each other, what we think is pretty.

AlexOkay. Hey, Kara Fagan, founder of Cox's Cucks. What do you like about me? What do you remember about the first time we met?

Speaker AThis turned very quickly. What do we all like about Alex? Yeah, let's all talk about Alex.

AlexI'll have a nice thick head of hair. But they've been shaving it off a lot lately.

Speaker AYour hair's so beautiful. Why do you shave it? It's such a shame. You look so pretty.

MerlinYou shouldn't wear so much makeup.

Speaker AIt's so pretty.

MerlinYou look really pretty without it.

AlexWhat does it take for you to grow your hair long again, Alex? I'm sure that I have a number of monies, but it would have to be a very high number of monies or Apple Inc. products, I think. How high? Ooh, nope, Tesla. Yeah, I need a Series 10 or a Series X, whatever. I want a white EV Tesla. Or sorry, a white EV SUV of some type.

That's a little supremacist. An electric vehicle of some type that isn't a Nissan Leaf.

Speaker AAbout a Power Wheels. Will you settle for a Power Wheels? Oh, oh, how those are technically they are.

AlexYou're right.

Speaker BSee, and all I have is a Nissan Leaf, so I can't help you.

AlexYeah. See, I think I would for a Nissan Leaf, I'd grow it to like a Bieber length. But I mean, what, Kara, what length are we talking for? Like beyond the shoulders, like ponytail, headband, full on girly girl, high school hair.

Speaker AI think for a Tesla you need like Lady Godiva hair like covering the boobs

Merlinmaybe it could be one of those like no time to argue throw me the head or throw you the whip things where we do it in little increments where like once you grow out of that that sort of like I don't know that Berkeley punk in 1990 look like when you get out of that you get to the next level gets a little longer you know you could do like a funny like a Padawan plug in the back maybe at that point you get a Tesla keychain it's unpowered it would not be EV but like and once we encourage you to stick with it we're building

we're building we're growing like you're growing your hair

Alexoh like a family

Speaker Acould give you one piece of the car every day until it's like that guy

Merlinwho ate a bicycle right

Speaker Ayeah

Merlinpractice practice practice

Speaker Awell are we sure it has to be the entire head or can she just grow like one little like chunk

Merlinyou should grow a tail grow a tail mullet get a paddle one

Speaker AAnd your location of choice, whether it's down the back, the front.

MerlinOh, I thought you meant. You know what I'd love to see on Alex is a fire starter. I'd like to see her do the fire starter guy. Or maybe like a flock of seagulls. But something that has like a DeLorean sort of effect on the sides, I think could be what I'd love to see on Alex.

Speaker AI love the idea of just one really long thing of hair.

MerlinNow, is that something you need to be honest, Alex? Is that something you have to approve with Dougie?

AlexOh, interesting. Well, he didn't notice all of the little hairs that I continue to find around my apartment for each time I've shaved it. But I don't know.

Speaker AThis is your landlord, yeah?

AlexYes, my landlord, Dougie.

Speaker CWhy is he not invited to this? He's like a recurring character. He might just burst in at any point.

AlexIt's a wacky neighbor. It's an open invitation.

MerlinOh, by the way, I'm here. That's so upsetting. Yeah.

AlexI mean I I would let him spend the night If he could get FedEx To deliver to Our apartment building but That's not gonna happen and I'm never Gonna have my expensive headphones And wow Life is hard

MerlinSee I thought you were going in the direction of like you get to keep The haunted house if you can stay in it overnight

AlexOh interesting Like he can live with us if he If he can stand

MerlinOh, I see. Oh, you know what it is. Maybe it's a gift of the magi type situation and neither one of you knows exactly what the wager is, but you're both hoping to get something out of it. You think you're going to get a house out of it or maybe a FedEx delivery and maybe he just wants to eat some of your hair.

He seems healthy.

Speaker CWhy can FedEx not deliver to your house, Alex?

AlexGood question. I don't know. i've i've spent a few hours of my day trying to solve that mystery and i cannot i need like a starly kine or a mcgruff hi oh carmen san diego i think i'm just naming investigators slash cops that haven't been canceled i guess they all have been oh except the paw patrol one Do any of your kids watch the show with the puppies on patrol?

MerlinWe missed. That was a little bit after our time. All right. Well, we're more like a dinosaur trained family.

Speaker CAs my kids are 28 and 30, no, I think.

MerlinWould that be concerning to you, Don? Be honest.

Speaker CThat my kids are that old?

MerlinWell, no. If you found out, for example, that your son was way more into Paw Patrol than you'd first thought. and you go inside. Maybe it's like the Garfield house and I think he should leave. You go in everything in there is Paw Patrol. And maybe he becomes a lifestyle paw. I would only love him more, Merlin. That's so sweet. God, what a wonderful time of year.

AlexThat's beautiful. Merlin, you still haven't shared what your beverage is. This is a very structured show.

MerlinOkay.

Speaker CI just want to point out, it's both pants and beverage. And by pants we mean both the English and the American.

MerlinOh, my pants and my trousers. Yes. Took all my pants. Well, I'm having what used to be called a paleo margarita and is now called 630.

And my pants are, my trousers are a pair of, I can't really see them unless I get on my chair.

Speaker AOh, God, I hope you have pants on.

AlexWell, I never know.

MerlinThese 35, ah, these 35, 32, 501s. I'm currently working in. Oh. They're new. Classic. I'm wearing those. Oh, boy.

AlexYou're a very spry young man.

MerlinI get winded. I get winded coming up the steps. It is rough.

Speaker AYou just did a squat on top of a wheelie chair.

MerlinI do have a squatty potty if anybody wants to use it. That's my single best COVID purchase, I think, was a squatty potty. Is it good? I've been thinking about getting one. Yeah. Anybody else? Squatty potties? Anybody? Five? Six, nobody?

AlexI had one at the, we have them at the office. And not going to lie, the other day I was driving down the street and I had to use a restroom. And I'm like, I know a place that's empty where I have keys. And normally I'm a shy peer. But, you know, when you're surrounded by like an anchor, anchor, acre. When you're surrounded by hundreds of feet of concrete and not a single soul in a squatty potty, it's a good time.

Speaker AYou just go in there and blast off any time you want.

AlexYeah, it's, oh, I mean, I don't want to ruin my lobster mandala, but it was a good time.

Speaker AThis building used to be a place of business, and now it's Alex's toilet.

MerlinAnna McKee's Lobster Mandala. Okay, got that?

Speaker AThis is what happens when you show up late.

MerlinSing it, sister. A lot of notes. A lot of notes to take. Jason. Oh, cookies. Oh, test those keys, Marlon. Test them. I have many interesting things on my desk. When things get slow, I can pull out things on my desk.

Speaker BFind out what color is your favorite sound.

MerlinOh, shit dog. I almost forgot.

AlexOh. What the hell? Oh, he's going to zap. He's going to be zapping.

MerlinOh, God. Is that a brain zapper?

AlexOh, it starts.

MerlinThat's a stronger look than I realized.

AlexYes, it is a look. What does that do?

MerlinHello, ladies.

Speaker CYeah, what does that do? So does it help?

MerlinI mean, I can't prove that it hurts. It is uncomfortable. Oh, that's not true.

Speaker CI've heard you exclaim in pain. It definitely hurts.

MerlinWell, it gives you a blast at the end, and I've always tried to figure, like, is it trying to, like, let you know trying to take it off?

Speaker AI mean, we do love a good blast at the end.

Speaker BYeah. It sounds like LED pocket football.

Speaker AOh, my God.

Speaker BBut it's much more high-tech than that.

MerlinNo, that's Eudora. What's the word pocket football was you could do either a passing or running, right?

Speaker BElectronic quarterback, right? Little lines on a little screen, yeah. So good. Anyway, it sounds like that. It doesn't look like that. It looks very different.

AlexI have been using mine multiple times a day.

MerlinI am too, and I don't know why. It doesn't do anything, but I like it.

Speaker CYou guys might have a problem.

AlexBut why do we do it? There's got to be, I don't know. It's got to be doing something. It takes a while to, okay. So for those of you listening to this, nobody listen. I'm going to talk to the audience. So for those of you listening, hello, Cux. It's good that you're here. Thank you. Merlin Mann is wearing a lifted headset. And what this does is zap your brain. But in order to zap it, you need to use two makeup sponges and soak them in a saline solution, which is water and salt.

And then...

Speaker BLike the electric chair.

AlexAnd then you put the notes on your head and they electrocute you for about, what is it, 27 minutes?

MerlinAnd it comes with a mirror. Like most of your better electronic products. It's got a stinky vinyl pouch, like a Beatles, like, you know, Pan Am bag. And then you get a mirror so you can see what your head looks like. And see how dumb you look.

Alexyou know when I got it I honestly thought like with the case it came in I'm like I think I'm going to open this and either see a razor, heroin or both but no it was this just this brain zappy thing that is oh look at that

Merlinmine's got my thunderbolt 2 adapter

Speaker Bwhich does nothing turn your body into a battery Alex I thought this was great I think more podcasts should have descriptive audio tracks

Merlindaredevil enters the law office and shots his balls

Alexsomething that's been requested as a patreon reward is audio commentary for classic quote classic do by friday episodes and i can't there are so many things in that request that i don't know how to respond to.

Speaker CSo director's cut of an audio podcast? I mean. No, maybe it should be video commentary. Just a lot of faces. A lot of eye movement. A lot of faces.

Speaker BYeah. You play the episode and then you guys react to it with just your faces.

AlexOh, like interpretive zooming.

MerlinOh, like we'll do YouTube. YouTube thumbnail face.

AlexOh. I feel like everybody on YouTube, once they hit a million subscribers, they need to, they start making the face, right? But they, I think it's all the same face. So I have a feeling that YouTube, along with their like silver play button, do you think they also send some sort of like plastic cylindrical device to put inside the mouth? so that everyone can make the same uniform shape.

Speaker BNo, they just send a head shocker. Oh, I see. That's all they need.

AlexYeah, yeah. And then maybe a ball so you don't gag. And maybe it comes with a leash and, you know, yeah. I don't know. There's a lot of stuff going on with YouTubers going to OnlyFans and then boxing. I just want to make sure everyone's okay. can can anybody name a single youtuber who has been in a boxing match i'm thinking of lots of

Merlinthem but they're all unboxing logan and jake paul right well there's a guy from vine there's a guy from vine the suicide man they're both gonna box they're both gonna box oh maybe one box is one unboxes and you see who yeah it's a circle of life unboxing unboxing i'm putting my iphone 6 back in a box while logan paul does whatever he does i don't even have it oh man if i could

Speaker Bmonetize shipping products back that would be the best thing ever oh my god videos man i would do so much more like is he going to use the strapping tape is he going to use that like the reinforced strapping tape or just the clear tape that might not make it back we don't know let's find out you

Alexcan call it hot boxing now that i'm thinking about it i i believe i have live streamed packaging patreon rewards hey everybody if you go to giveusyourfuckingmoney.com you can find our patreon which is uh the i don't know merlin what's our patreon it's where you get a whole second show and maybe the second show is going to involve some of your favorite podcasters who do oh god Matt Howie like Matt Howie

MerlinI really hope this is somebody's first episode

AlexI really really hope

Speaker Bis this the real show you mean you're going to lose this on the world good lord every episode is somebody's first episode that is why you guys are geniuses because nobody would tell you to do this but you have decided to do it

Speaker Ayou said to the man with the metal cell phone strapped to his head.

MerlinThis is my brain bra.

Speaker AT-Mobile sidekick strapped to his fucking dome.

Speaker CSo we have to find out what Matt Howey is drinking and what he's wearing.

Speaker BBeverages and pants.

AlexOh, yes. Welcome to the holiday party, Matt Howey. Can you share with us what you're wearing and what you're drinking this evening?

Speaker CI guess I'm wearing sweatpants because it's after hours and I'm drinking water, which is boring. Sorry for you.

MerlinH2 Flow. Your room is so colorful. Wow. Look at how pretty that is. I look like I was just arrested for public urination.

AlexSince I have my COVID hair, every morning I wake up, I look more and more like that Nick Nolte photo.

MerlinOh, God.

AlexOh, God. Dr. John, what would it take to get you to shave your head?

Speaker COh, a lot. A lot of money. Like a Tesla amount of money, I think, Alex. Not a leaf amount of money.

Speaker Bremember Gorbachev from the Soviet Union you know he had that giant thing he has that giant wine stain on his head I assume that he he gradually went bald in his 20s and was like what the hell is that and then it just kept going and that's why I don't want to shave my head because I'm very concerned that I've got a weird spot under there somewhere so I don't know thank you boy I join and Jason's talking about shaving his head what the heck is going on

Speaker Coh god there's video Oh my god, there's video

Speaker BOh god, they're all here Am I on video? I'm not on video They're all arriving

Speaker CYou can be on video if you want

Speaker BIt's not really video The video's optional It's non-canonical

Speaker AYou have to turn on your video if you don't describe your pants

Speaker BI'm wearing gray sweatpants As usual

Speaker AThere's a lot of sweatpants happening

Speaker BYou're surprised? It's the uniform of COVID

Speaker AHi everybody Party on the bottom, business on top

Speaker BI was wearing them before COVID, but you don't have to know that.

AlexSo we're joined now by Mr. Casey List and John Syracusa. And Syracusa, what the fuck is up with the feet? Like, are you okay?

Speaker BOh, no. What the fuck is- With the feet? Like on my Mac Pro?

Speaker COh, what is happening? This is alarming.

Speaker BPikachu and Pregg feet? Network?

AlexSo that I never- Oh, God. I need a trigger warning for every run.

MerlinJohn, I slipped Alex a copy of our latest recording.

Speaker BI was wondering how she could know about a podcast we recorded last night. Oh, look, I have personal problems with my toes. Sometimes I talk about it on my podcast where it's not about tech, if that's okay with you. I mean, you talk about your gender on the whole podcast.

MerlinHe's got you on that one.

Speaker AWho is the bell?

Speaker BI'm going to come on this podcast and say, listen, what is up with your gender?

Like, well, actually, I have several hours of audio explaining that to you. Well, same deal with my toe.

Speaker CAll right, wait. So, Alex, this is for you. Did you hear that? I'm ruining. I'm absolutely ruining some Tito's with some Diet Coke right now. And you know I'm a huge Diet Coke fan, but to taint my Tito's with Diet Coke is paining me like I cannot even tell you.

Speaker BTalking about sucking up to the host, well done, though. I gotta do what I gotta do.

AlexJason, you keep calling me the host as if I have any control agency or...

Speaker BWe're all at your house right now, Alex. What are you talking about? Yeah, your landlord invited us over. Just let us in. Super spreaders. Don't worry about COVID. It's fine. Oh, God. We got the ultraviolet light. It'll be fine. How many people are in this? I keep seeing different people's video appearing.

Speaker AOh, no. We're doing video?

Speaker BNo, we're not. No, no. We're definitely not doing video.

Speaker AMarco wins the award for the most ridiculous headphones.

Speaker BThey're rather large. Oh, wow. They're very tall. He's got room for a second head in those headphones.

MerlinAre those considered lips?

Speaker BDelete, delete, delete.

MerlinThe doctor is the tech head. Actually, it would be a Cyberman, I guess.

Speaker BIt's more of a Lobot vibe, I feel like.

MerlinI made a Lobot reference earlier.

Speaker BYou're wearing the head thing. Oh, my goodness.

MerlinLobot doesn't have a head thing. He's got a side thing.

Speaker BI know. I've never seen that, and it's very upsetting. I imagined it's smaller.

AlexOh, yeah.

Speaker BThat's upsetting.

AlexThat's what she said. Instead of COVID. That's what she said. Well, I'm glad that you don't have COVID. Does anybody else currently have COVID?

Speaker ASomeone in our kid's school has COVID.

AlexOh, gosh. see Jason this is why I can't I shouldn't host welcome to my home everybody who has COVID? Let's go to Merlin's house

Speaker Bthen fine. Well we can let somebody else who would like to host? Anybody like to host?

MerlinThen we'll get started. Is this the show? Who would like to host?

Speaker CI think we should go to Dougie's house I mean if we're really going to do this right don't have him show up at Alex's house we go to Dougie's house and take it over

AlexI think about where he must live like once a day because not because I have any desire to go there at all, but because I'm like, are you in like a commune? Do people just walk in? Like, I don't know.

MerlinI imagine having like a lot of empty tuna cans and like women's socks.

Speaker BDoes he live in the basement under your apartment? No.

Speaker AThe call's coming from inside the landlord. We should all show up to Dougie's house, like Christmas Carol style, with like the whole feast and the roast, and we're singing carol of the bells for 11 hours

Speaker Balex do you check under your bed before you go to sleep at night

Alexuh yeah but only to make sure that the the cats aren't in doing something weird

Speaker Bthey're making a dookie

Alexany landlords under there he's just sitting there petting the cats just us cats oh my god i just the god uh who who else merlin would you like to host how's your your evening no i'm good

Merlini'm good i'm i'm just working on uh increasing my eat a lot they say you know you only really use some percentage of your brain and i really want to pick up the rest of those like like a spare so is that a black wing you got a black wing tapping that oh i've got a don't even i see that? Do you see it? Bam!

Speaker AI spotted that from the phone!

MerlinI got the Dickerson. I got that pretty Dickerson. Oh, I got the Marco Scissors somewhere here. Which one is it? Don't cut yourself.

Speaker AWatch out, those suckers are sharp. I know, I know.

MerlinThese will fuck you up. Yep.

Speaker AGet those. But at least it'll be a nice clean cut for the sutures. Isn't that right,

MerlinDr. Dawn? I got this red one. I got kind of mixed feelings about the red one. You know that's someone's

Alexfetish. Oh, for sure.

Speaker AOh, that one's a nice one. I love that one with the red and the broad. Tiff, Tiff, I'm

Speaker CI'm not that kind of doctor, but Merlin, I want to thank you. I want to thank you for the recommendation for the Gerber.

Speaker BYou're not allowed to use the doctor honorific then, I think. Oh, that looks dangerous.

MerlinOh, my God, there's two of those. I deploy them all around the house. I buy them seven at a time, and I just leave them open around the house, often on a magnet. You just grab it.

Speaker AIt turns out this whole time Dr. Don was a doctor of paleontology. That would be so cool.

AlexAll right, so we've got razor blades. We've got pencils.

Speaker CSo, Alex, there are people who've joined that we don't know what they're wearing or what they're drinking.

AlexOh, that's right. All right. Sirius is wearing his gray sweatpants. And are you drinking anything, John?

Speaker CCan I predict he's drinking water?

Speaker BI am drinking water.

AlexAll right. All right. Is it the fizzy kind or the flat kind?

Speaker BIt is not. Did it? It's not. I don't like calling it flat. I feel like it's a pejorative. It's just regular water.

AlexThank you. It's exactly right. Why isn't anybody talking about this? John's beverages are all body positive. normal ice water.

Speaker BThat's right. I love my non-curvy water. He's the water wife guy.

Speaker AYes.

AlexPeople laugh when John says, Casey, you're drinking a Cox on the Rocks, but what are you wearing?

Speaker CSo I am wearing a I will I will briefly turn on video for those of you on the call. My the background.

Speaker BSleepy shirt. Sleepy shirt.

Speaker CMy background is is a disgusting mess, but I'm wearing this really awkward corporate T-shirt that says I'm bringing sexy back. Now, mind you, this is for a very nerdy corporation that has no business talking about sexy anything. But yes, we were apparently bringing sexy back and it is a very comfortable shirt that I use for sleeping. and so is my quote-unquote sleepy shirt. However... It's so dark where you are, Casey. You could go to sleep at any moment. I know. That's exactly the idea. It's funny you bring that up.

Speaker AIt's definitely a shirt that you can't really wear in public.

Speaker CNo, it's definitely not. And the alarming thing is my six-year-old is able to read now and so he said to me just the other day, Dad, what does sexy mean?

MerlinAnd he just goes like this.

Speaker CYeah, I just pointed myself.

MerlinThis guy.

Speaker CAlex, I do have this. Dictionary photo. That'll help with the sleepy. So the Titos will help the sleepy. I've drank all of this today, just so you're aware. No, not really. No.

AlexGood for you. No. You're going to fall asleep in your office like I did last year. That was no fun. No fun.

MerlinOh, yeah.

AlexIn fact, I think Kevin came to check on me at one point and was like, hey, buddy, you going home? And I was like, yes.

Speaker AOnly a short year ago. You think you're better than me? You want to fight about it.

AlexMarco, what are you enjoying this evening, both in pant wear, leg wear, leg wear, and drink wise?

Speaker BIn Paris, they call it leg wear.

Speaker AYes. I'm wearing my, I'm so embarrassed to tell you this, my rapid movement denim jeans from Banana Republic. Which is my stretch jean of choice.

Very nice. And he's basically Chuck Norris. He's ready. Lululemon for heat.

Speaker BIs that like panel pants? Are those like pregnancy panel pants?

Speaker AIt's not that far.

AlexIt is. Oh, God.

Speaker AYeah.

AlexOh, oh. So you're trying to appease Jason. I'm trying to appease Kara because I have a shirt that says Weed Donalds on it that she purchased for me. Did you just audibly gasp, Kara? No, I need to put mine on so we can twin. Oh, gosh.

Speaker BFor the record, Merlin is wearing the incomparable spine Skeletor t-shirt. Not actually called Skeletor because...

MerlinI choose the Skeletor t-shirt from last year. Legally distinct.

Speaker BLegally distinct hood and skeleton. And Skeletor with two O's. It's from the New Yorker. It's a Skeletor of the neighborhood. The Skeletor. He's your tour guide. And Don has the incomparable robot on, but you can't hear him.

MerlinMy God, Dr. Don looks like he's in Dinosaur Jr. I know. Oh, my God.

Speaker AHe's so angry at Skype. He's cursing and yelling, and we can't hear him. He does. He looks like Matt Graded. You're muted, Don.

Speaker CSkype, it's not me. It's fucking Skype. Can you hear me now? God damn it. Robot or not, thank you very much. I'm wearing a shirt. Thanks, guys. I love your show.

Speaker BIt's a robot, I'd say. Or is it a shirt? I don't know. I'm drinking, by the way, I've switched now. I'm drinking a Nitro Merlin, which is actually my favorite beer right now. I will follow it with a Helium Cox later or something. I don't know. Helium Alex.

Speaker ASee, I actually made plans. Do you remember when the guy, the flight attendant quit JetBlue in a very public fashion? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Remember what he brought?

Speaker CHe had like a couple of beers, right? Two beers.

Speaker AI have one in, you know, the regular can that I'm drinking now, and I also brought one in this like insulated thing, this Yeti thing.

MerlinHow many other insulators did you try?

Speaker BWell, this is an expensive insulator, but it's better, so it's worth it.

MerlinYeah. In the Guided by Voices community, we refer to that as stacking. Oh, yeah, nice.

Speaker BDo you call it a koozie or a cozy?

Speaker AI only ever heard the term cozy, but I avoid it because I don't want to argue with people about it. Which is funny because I grew up in Ohio. You would think they would call it a koozie there.

Speaker BI think that's a brand name. I think it's like a Kleenex, except it's a koozie. Cornflakes. That's why it's hilariously misspelled. I was assuming it was my Pennsylvania friends just mispronouncing yet another word.

That's a thing. Like warsh?

Speaker AYeah, like Western Pennsylvania is not known for its incredibly accurate dialect.

Speaker BThat's where my mother's from, and she says really weird things.

MerlinSouthwest Ohio, we got a dicked. We pronounce it all correctly.

Speaker BWashington. These clothes need warsh. That is not a grammar or a word. Yes, mother. But you know what she means, Jason. I know exactly what she means, but still. It was many years before I realized that I had been trained to say words that were completely wrong. Thanks, Pennsylvania. Thanks a lot.

Speaker CSo I'm still stuck on cozy because I've never heard it called that. I've only heard koozie. Also in Canada, I think we call it a toque. Isn't it a keepy-cooly in the South? then? Isn't that a thing? I think it's a koozie here in the South. Bless your heart, bless her heart, bless my heart, I don't know. But it is... I've never heard it called a cozy before.

Speaker ASee, koozie, it sounds to me like, in the same way in Ohio, we didn't say curse words, we said cuss words. And once I learned the term curse, I kind of figured it actually kind of sounds like, cuss sounds like a kid at one time overheard the word curse, messed it up, thought it was cuss, and then that just traveled. To me, that's how koozie seems. It seems like it was a mishearing or misremembering of the word cozy.

Speaker BOr is it a word that's just really weird and then edumacated people tried to turn it into an actual word. It's like, koozie, that's not a word. I shall call it cozy.

Probably not, though. They do seem very cozy, so it makes more sense. I like Marco's theory. Marco, can you just explain the burlap sacks that are on the wall behind you? I've never seen.

MerlinIs that coffee? I bet it's coffee.

Speaker AYeah. So in this office, I wanted some kind of sound dampening material. And behind the monitor is like the regular, you know, zigzag foam that you see, sound dampening material. On the other wall, those are coffee burlap shipping bags because they look cool. And they're mounted on canvas boards. And inside each canvas board, I've inserted a sound dampening panel.

Speaker BOh, that's right. I think you described this, but I had never seen them before.

Speaker AThey basically add quite a lot of dampening. This room is actually bordering on over-treated. They add quite a lot of sand dampening, and yet they look cool.

MerlinIt does have kind of a last days of Hitler feeling, like maybe where John Roderick would put Dick Cheney.

AlexHow can you over-dampen a room? Here, hold on, hold on.

Speaker AI've got to show you. I'm going to try to swivel my LG monitor. Let's see what's going to happen here. But you should see this side of it as well.

Speaker BAlex, when you over-dampen a room, it becomes an anechoic chamber, and it sounds like your brain is getting sucked out of your head.

Speaker AEventually, the room will start stealing words from you, and you're just not allowed to use them. That's the Susan Care blanket mounted the same way, like on a canvas. I use that to watch TV. Yeah, stapled down and with another giant sound panel in it.

Nerd. Oh, my God. This monitor's going to break as I move it.

Speaker BIs that like early Mac user appropriation? I know. I think about that. I'm kind of thinking, should I get the windows? Cultural appropriation is what it's called. Thank you very much. He's a fake care boy. And Marco, didn't you just ruin a backpack because it smelled like coffee, but now you took a bunch of bags with that coffee in the trunk?

MerlinThose are nice to be friends with.

Speaker BYou gotta switch the bags.

Speaker AThat coffee was dry.

MerlinThe ruined bag was wet. It's like if you hate the voice in your head, you should do a podcast with it. Yeah!

AlexOh, I think that's the... I think this is the after show, Merlin.

Speaker CIs it?

AlexI don't know. I don't...

Speaker CWasn't it all the after show?

AlexDid the show start and end without us knowing? Everyone can determine when the... We're doing the challenge. I don't know. We've been talking for an hour.

Speaker BThe after show starts when Kara crawls under that bed. That's when the after show starts. Sorry. Kara's eating bolognese. Check under your bed. Is Kara under there every night? I don't know, but she's getting closer.

AlexWell, I'm just going to pretend it's the after show and have one of my happy time gummies. Oh, they're called Good News. Sparkling white grape.

Speaker BHave you heard the good news about gummies?

MerlinYeah, it's about the Lord, I imagine. They would get a lot more kids into Christianity if they give them weed. I'm going to say maybe. You know what? Okay, you know what? Capture this. What if we switch it up a little bit with the host, as you like to say, Alex? Just saying, you know, you've got a bachelor who wants to put something on your tongue. Might as well be weed. Doesn't have to be a cracker.

Speaker BEat the host, if you know what I mean. What would Alex give for weed-infused communion wafers?

AlexNo, that's a nightmare. That's what I'm saying. Like, being stoned during a Catholic mass, oh, I'm like shuddering.

Speaker BNo, but the problem is they give you the wafer at the end, though. Wait a second. Would time stretch out? Because the longest half hour I've ever spent was half an hour in the middle of a Catholic mass.

AlexYeah, yeah.

Speaker BThat's just your mind. The only time I'd ever been, I was like, what is happening? What, what, did something happen?

MerlinThey call that a Protestant month. First time I ever had to go to a mass. I was just like, is this going to be, is this like that, remember in the early days of the internet, the like internet idiot test you would take and basically it was just to test how long you would keep like clicking buttons over and over before you realized. That's kind of Catholicism. No, but like in a very forgiving way. In a very.

Speaker BI went to one for 18 years that had like a, that had like a youth group and the mass we went to was like the youth group mass where they would do all these sort of rock-inflected hymns and stuff. Yep. Two hours every single week. If you guys want me,

MerlinI could play you a bunch of really good Christian songs if you're into it. I know a lot of very good Christian

Speaker Bsongs. I find rock anthems best in the original Latin. John! This is all post-Vatican 2. I'm not that old. And as we wind on down the

Speaker Aroad. John, John, you're from Long Island, right? Did you ever have a band Chalice come play at your school?

Speaker BNot that I can recall, but the youth group at my parish was very big and very rocky. I feel like I got that experience.

Speaker AI was really hoping to make that connection with you tonight. Oh, well.

AlexOh, misconnection.

Speaker BWhy would a religious group come to our school, though?

Speaker AWell, they were like anti-drug. Good question. They would do covers, and they did like, breathe in, breathe out.

MerlinWe had Freedom Jam. Freedom Jam was a Christian group that came to our school

Speaker Btotally. We had Peter from the Brady Bunch come to our school tell us don't do drugs i mean keep in mind that 50 of my school was jewish so i don't think it was

Speaker Awe're gonna get a lot of catholic rock i mean 50 of my school is jewish too so i mean come on yeah

Alexall right you get diversity it's mine it's not really diversity when it's just a bunch of a

Merlinwhite italian irish and jewish people yeah really did you go to school in an off-color joke

Speaker BLong Island is in many ways an off-color joke

Speaker ALong Island is There are some great things about Long Island Diversity is not one of them No, no Still rock and roll to me We had no idea that being Jewish was diverse Like it just isn't here

Speaker BI think I've said this on podcasts Where my view of the world before I left Long Island When I was a kid was that the world is basically 50% Catholic and 50% Jewish That turned out not to be true That's my too I so understand. Because that just seemed like the shape of the world. Half the people are Catholic and half are Jewish. And then people are usually either Italian or Irish. That's the world, right?

Speaker CYeah, exactly. Well, that was your sample. It's a logical conclusion.

Speaker AI did not understand the concept of someone not knowing anyone who is Jewish. I was like, what do you mean? That's what there is. Wasn't it half the people in your school? Yeah, it's like you either celebrate Christmas or you celebrate Hanukkah. What else is there? That's all you got.

Speaker BI mean, I thought half of the people in the world were cowboys. What did I know? Until that song, right? Mamas don't let your babies grow up to be cowboys. And the other half were burnouts. That was it. We had the burnouts in the cowboys. That was it.

Ooh, we're bringing on pets. Who's got pets? Who else has pets? I got a cat nearby. Oh, that's a serious cat. No, black cats are the best. Oh, look at our diabetic puppy. That cat would eat your dog.

Speaker CI think my pets are asleep. So was mine. I woke them up. My cat's right down there.

AlexSteven! And Steven.

Speaker BCats love to be on camera. She's like, let me out. Here we go. Here we go.

MerlinOh, look at that angel. There he is. Oh, look at hops. Oh, you guys are killing me.

Speaker BA cat using a cat bed. This is amazing. Yeah, he loves it.

AlexWait, why do cats not use cat beds?

Speaker BNo, they just stay in cat beds. You buy them something and they won't go.

MerlinIt's like kids who just want to play with the box.

Speaker BI bought a cat bed for my cats and my dog sleeps in the cat bed now. She curls up into the smallest ball possible to fit in the cat bed rather than her own bed, which is right next to it. Pops is such a good podcasting dog. It doesn't make any noise.

Speaker AI put him in airplane mode, which means I take his collar off so he can't shake it. Maroon's writing fanfic.

Speaker BI know, it's so upsetting. Not to scale. Sorry. Non-canon. Tom Baker has been scaled. Reduced in size. Crikey.

Speaker AOh, crikey.

AlexEat my eggs, governor.

Speaker BYou seem like a baby Yoda of some kind.

AlexTimey blimey.

Speaker AYou're going to commit a genocide on the people. Hi, Governor.

AlexIt's the doctor.

Speaker AHello, hello, hello.

MerlinIt's Clive Owen, isn't it?

Speaker BTime Vortex. Check it out. Time Vortex. That's turning into New York now.

MerlinYo. Time Vortex. It's in another pot, isn't it? I like his scarf a lot, though. He has like a bendy scarf.

Speaker BIs the scarf plastic or cloth?

MerlinOh, it's plastic. but it feels clothy. Textured plastic? Yeah. It's good. His head comes off.

AlexOh, I don't think that's a feature. All of my toys are back there.

Speaker BIt's non-canonical, non-canonical.

MerlinBut he's not a Bebel Brox. Oh, I also have Domino.

Speaker BSee, Merlin brought his guitar when we talked about youth bands for the Christian youth bands from Long Island to the 80s, but, or the 90s. You would have been an awesome youth minister. yes I thought about it

MerlinI think I could be really good

Speaker Bit's like sliding doors like one different turn and there you are there you are a defrocked youth minister congratulations

Merlinwell I think it's probably the other way around I think I was meant to be a youth minister and then I just ended up doing whatever the fuck I do now but I probably should have been in every timeline probably should have been a youth minister I'm very understanding and a little creepy and And I'm okay with a very small office, and I can play a G chord.

Speaker BYeah, exactly. As you would say, you play okay good guitar. I do wonder. We had this youth minister guy who was super successful, and everybody loved him, and I do wonder exactly what was going on. He left our church. He left our church. He got scouted by another church, so basically he got a better job paying more elsewhere. That's a thing? The poached or sniped. That sounds like a cover story. he had to stay back to help the teacher i see i see this was back in the days when you didn't have to go to a different parish if you were diddling all the female teenagers and the thing

Alexyou could just stay there and it was fine as long as they had the girl parts and not the boy parts it was an accident but if there were the boy parts then you uh went on a visit to ecuador was what my grade school called it they said you had a mission yes that was half the reason most of

Speaker Bthe people who were in youth group it was a hotbed of teen sexy times a lot of yeah we had a rule

Alexuh called no no purple because you know mixing pink and blue and uh pet your dog not your date which is something i have on a button did did you did you have the christian side hug or was that a meme that was later oh it was absolutely a thing like not uh in writing but it was but it is like a meme because if you touch fronts, you never know.

Speaker BYou never know. You gotta leave room for the Lord in between. I heard that touching fronts is not a thing. I heard that on a podcast.

Speaker CIt must be Drew. Heard it on a podcast. Well, we're all

Alexbottoms here, so it's the safe space.

MerlinThat's enough. Peter and John went to pray. They met a lame man on the way He reached out his palm And asked for an alms And this is what Peter did say Silver and gold have I none But such as I have give I thee Youth minister In the name of Jesus Christ Can I add some rock to it? On Nazareth rise up and walk He went walking and leaping and praising God

Walking and leaping and praising God In the name of Jesus Christ of Nazareth Rise up and

AlexNo, harmonics, don't do it! Oh, there it is! Okay, reference acknowledged, reference acknowledged, okay.

Speaker ADo we just accidentally out Merlin's past career?

Speaker BThis is just what happens if you are raised and you're going to church every single week.

MerlinWhere was your mission before this? I've had a lot. I get moved around a lot because I'm so effective and handsome. I mean, effective. I love the Lord.

AlexKara and I, in high school, our sexual education class was, well, it was a Catholic sex ed class. But we were gifted. Correct me if I'm wrong. Was it in religion class? we got the pants shirts or was it in sex ed that we got the pants shirts?

Speaker AAre we talking about the American pants or the English pants?

AlexIs Kara gone?

Speaker CYeah, we can't hear her. Kara, you're muted.

AlexWell, Kara reminded me that in high school we acquired shirts that said keep your pants up and it was just jeans on a t-shirt. and that was pretty much sex ed.

Speaker CSo how was that effective, Alex?

AlexWell, I sure didn't have any in high school, so there you go. No pants.

Speaker BNeither did I,

Speaker Abut it wasn't because of the sex ed.

Speaker BDid your school require skirts as part of the uniform? I'm wondering how this works. Yeah, and what did the girls wear?

AlexWell, we had the skirts, but we needed to, there was indeed the stand and there was this what was it called? I think Kara's broken, but like it was like the finger test. The finger what? What was that?

Speaker AMy mom's told me about this. The finger test?

AlexYou know, the finger test.

Speaker AYou had to like kneel in your skirt, had to touch the ground when you were kneeling. The length of the skirt.

AlexYes.

Speaker AI don't know.

AlexIt had to be Well here's the thing That allows a adult man teacher To go up to a young girl And put three fingers On her thigh I would start with two

Speaker CYeah that seems perfectly fine Three seems aggressive

AlexThree I mean some just straight up palmed it But you know

MerlinGive her some wine or something

AlexYeah

MerlinWhatever you got on hand

AlexAnd this is my blood, Mary.

Speaker AMichael Rizzi. So what do you think we have today that's going to mess up kids that are growing up now in the way that Catholic school messed us all up back then?

Speaker BCatholic school still exists. I have bad news for you.

Speaker ACatholic school. Look around you. Yeah.

Speaker CUnboxing videos.

Speaker BBoxing videos.

Speaker AYouTube face.

Speaker BThis is Minecraft. They're all going to be like, have you heard the good news about Redstone? And they're going to be like, no, no, no, no. Yeah, I guess online Nazis is the thing. We didn't have that. YouTube conspiracy videos, Flat Earth videos. You had to go to a special school to get your knuckles wrapped by a nun.

AlexOr a hooker.

MerlinThat's a very special school. Don't mind at night. That's something they've learned. What else do they know? yeah see I don't know I try to push back against all the like the worrisome stuff I still haven't been able to bring myself to watch the Netflix series I'm just too freaked out about it you know the one everybody's been talking about the social network one

Speaker Bsocial dilemma

Merlinit looks really upsetting

Alexno it's total shit it should be a challenge it's total bullshit really

Merlinokay all right like the readers digest version of the internet no like a chick publication version

Alexit's it it's like elon musk talking about the ethics of ai it's a bunch of tech millionaires who worked at facebook and twitter and still have stock there and they're like we it's a bad thing

Merlinand i'm like oh fuck all of you now they make their stepson go to waldorf school yeah it's

Speaker ASpeaking of Elon Musk I have found a worse audience And that is the Joe Rogan audience

MerlinOh Marco no

Speaker ABecause now they're emailing me

MerlinAlex just wants to understand them

Speaker AOh god They're emailing me like everyday Because like part of his deal with Spotify Like he went exclusive to Spotify And they're keeping the old feed up But it only shows the latest episode Kind of like what This American Life did Forever So I'm getting emails now every day from like...

MerlinOh, so they're mad at you because you're censoring him? Is that it?

Speaker AYeah, exactly. They're like, do you believe in censorship? I got this amazing email yesterday.

AlexWhy isn't anybody talking about this? My God.

Speaker CActually, can I file a formal complaint? Yeah. I would like to file a formal complaint about Dubai Friday because Alex said...

AlexGo on.

Speaker AGo on.

Speaker COn Dubai Friday. Go on. Go on. On the show. Alex said that you had discovered the situation behind Joe Rogan you have figured it out you have seen the matrix you said this like three episodes ago and you haven't shared any of it so would you like to do it now? because now seems as good a time as any

Speaker Adid Alex share a thread that they didn't follow up on? really? imagine that

Speaker Cimagine that

Alexjust gonna dangle it i'm so angry uh i i mean this uh i i have no idea if we're in the after show or not uh but but someone sent me a clip which was him being like yeah so i i took ayahuasca and saw the the meaning of life and oh and yeah have you ever thought about just how alone we are in the universe hey, hey, can you pull up the video of that guy getting hit in the balls by the deer?

And I'm like, ah, yep, okay, see this. And then someone's like-

MerlinHe's like a professional 14-year-old boy.

AlexYeah, he is. He's goop for men.

MerlinHe's got some deep insights and wants to watch somebody get hit in the balls. That's really profound. Good job, Alex. Nice pull.

Speaker BDog on fire. Dog on fire. He seems a little bit more lowbrow than goop.

Speaker AI can't believe, as far as quality of audience goes, like i'm an apple fan a tesla owner and a fish fan and the joe rogan audience is so much worse than all of those combined they are the worst like

I've never listened to Joe Bergen. I don't give a shit about Joe. I couldn't care less. I've never listened to his show. I've never been interested in him. I don't care about his political whatever. I don't care at all. Not at all my interest. But his audience is seemingly, by their interaction with me, the worst audience of anything ever. They're just horrendous, angry people all the time.

MerlinSo it's angry? Is it maybe not so smart? What does it evidence as? What's the pattern where you're like, oh, this again?

Speaker AThey feel very oppressed. even though they're not. They feel aggrieved. They feel wrong. They feel like they're being censored. Censorship is a big one.

MerlinAfter we hear a word from him, we're going to come back and I'm going to give Joyce Carol out to Wet Willie.

Speaker AIt's all men. 100% men, first of all, that I've written in.

Speaker CBut Marco, why are they using your app? There's so many other shit apps they could be using, right?

Speaker BThat's actually what I was going to ask. Joe Rogan probably mentioned it once on a podcast. He did? He did?

AlexI didn't know that. I didn't know if John was Siri. I think that was a hypothetical.

Speaker ANo, probably not.

AlexBut anyway, I think I'm kind of lucky.

Speaker ASo I've been using the AppFigures has this app intelligence feature where you can monitor like five other competitors and it will email you every day with not only your reviews for that day, but theirs also. and i have discovered there's there's an app that has i'm not gonna name it there's an app that has a very generic name that frustratingly often outranks me in search because it just has a very generic like you know keyword based name and for a while i was envious of like how many downloads they appeared to get um but then once i started seeing their reviews it's one of those apps where

like at least three quarters of their reviews are people who are trying to comment on a podcast and it's all like you know one star the advice you gave in episode 41 was totally wrong

Merlinamazing oprah oprah my aunt has vitiligo and she loves you could you say hello

Speaker Ai'm itunes i can't do it yet like and it's and like compared to like you know the other competitors are mostly you know apps like mine that are kind of used by nerds and power users and like then you have this one app that has the really generic name and it's all the worst reviews i've ever seen and i'm like okay not jealous anymore of their downloads not at all he's he's

Merlinum his deal is through spotify right he's got like yeah yeah well let's play detective a minute here if it's true that joe rogan is a spotify exclusive and if it is true that he's a sort of tentpole whether we like him or not he's the sort of person that attracts people to the we don't like him we

Alexdon't let the Dubai Friday stand alright sorry hack go ahead

MerlinI'm sure she'd love to join in with this the missing the point while I still haven't reached the comma but if that had worked if that had worked to plan there should be nobody using anything but Spotify because why? because they were attracted to podcasts on Spotify because of Joe Rogan yes Jason you

Speaker Band the big thank you Mr. Man the big issue is the story was that Joe Rogan is going to Spotify. And so now he's going to be on Spotify. And his whole audience is going to have to go to Spotify. And now I hear that they're still sliding the latest episode into the RSS feed in order to not lose their non-Spotify audience.

Weasels!

MerlinHow many times can you announce that you're leaving Twitter for Parler on Twitter?

Speaker BWe can't measure that yet. It's unclear. It's still up for grabs. Joe Rogan's mostly off RSS. It's a mess. I almost wish they would have totally pulled it I'm surprised nobody's formed a Joe Rogan SEO sound alike podcast and slid that into the podcast directories in order to claim we should do that with Descript

Alexoh I'm oh well hello like a fake Joe Rogan podcast

MerlinI'll work on the Descript

Speaker Band then Marco will cut all those subscribers over to the fake Joe Rogan podcast and we'll see what happens we'll deprogram them oh god like Ro Jogan

Speaker Ayou know something like that no it's it's getting to the point now where like i'm thinking about adding a feature to my app where i can add like a little like info block on a certain podcast so that when you show that page i can have some kind of info there that i can tell people because i want to be able to tell people who look at the joker page like this podcast is is only including the latest episode in its feed like just to just to have some chance of maybe some of these people thinking that i'm not some like you know crazy censorship obsessed i mean i guess i kind of am

but i i want them to not obsessed yeah well this one of the emails that came in the other day was like this guy who was super angry and he was like would you say first of all the email ended in calling apple people sheeple so that's you know to tell you that the kind of person we're dealing with here and uh and and one of the things he said was like do you believe in censorship would you censor comment that had racist or misogynist content? I think not. And I responded like, yes, I actually would.

Speaker CIt's their First Amendment right, Marco. It's literally their First Amendment right. How dare you censor them?

Speaker AAnd this guy was a lawyer, too. His signature was all like, he's like a lawyer. I'm like, of course. Necktie. Yeah. They're just the worst people. For years, we listened to Howard Stern all the time. I don't know how good his audience was and we were in it. So maybe maybe not all Rogan listeners are terrible people, but all the ones I've heard from are terrible people for sure. Like a hundred percent are awful.

AlexWell, now you understand why I, I mean, I don't know if you, you saw this, but I have a tattoo of a microphone on my arm and there's a photograph of my face that Maddie took when the tattoo artist asked, Oh, so did you, did you hear the latest Joe Rogan or something? and I immediately have, like, you know how I'm a shy shitter? Like, that I probably would have pooped my pants if I had a little bit less self-control.

It was very upsetting. But Tattoo was good.

Speaker BWhat you're saying is move over, Hardcore History. Now there's a worst podcast fantasy. Oh, wow, wow, wow.

Thank you.

217. Pikachu Empreg Feet Net Worth

Show notes

Transcript

217. Pikachu Empreg Feet Net Worth

Show notes

Transcript

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