215. The Royal You

AlexThis is Do By Friday, a weekly challenge podcast. This week's challenge, make Christmas.

Hello?

MerlinMerry Christmas. We're saying Merry Christmas again.

AlexMerry Christmas. The war is over. The war is over if you want it.

MerlinWe're not saying happy holidays anymore. And so this is holidays.

AlexAll I'm saying is give peace a chance. I know it's different. Please don't tweet me. I know it's different.

MerlinEverybody's talking about Santaism, Elfism, Jesusism.

AlexOh, I've become a Yoko apologist, but that's a different show. Oh, no. Oh, no.

Did you hang up on me because I said I was a Yoko apologist?

Kiss, kiss, kiss, kiss me, love.

MerlinI quit the wrong thing. This is so often the case.

AlexOh, oh, oh, oh, this is is this a 73 folders guy talking? That's a very 73. Oh, what? What? No, that's just a punch in the gut. Okay, all right.

MerlinHere's the thing. Oh, God. All right.

AlexAll right. Go. Good morning, Merlin. Happy Christmas. Go on. I'm sorry. No, she'll.

MerlinThank you, Christmas goose.

AlexThat's the actual thing. Do you know what that is? Okay, I'm sorry. Go, go. You there, boy.

MerlinIs it still Christmas morning? Bring me Alexandra Cox, the biggest one in the window. Oh, God.

AlexWell, let's see. Where do I begin? The biggest thing.

MerlinI recorded a podcast last night, and when a night podcast, I end up staying up way later than I would prefer. I think I watched the entire run of a television series last night. I went to bed late, woke up late, was pounding downstairs, because we'll get to this. As I say on blank check, we'll get to that. There's a lot of pounding downstairs, well, because our landlord's doing something.

AlexOh, we're both having a week like that.

MerlinOh, oh, oh, oh, I got a theory about this. And then outside, I've already pre-recorded a bunch of, as they say, room noise, because apparently Pacific Gas and Electric brought on a truck with a literal jackhammer that you'll be hearing.

AlexRight now, all you hear is the wheezing diesel thruster. But occasionally, you'll hear pop, pop, pop, pop, pop, pop. Oh.

MerlinAnd there's other things, too. But I'm sorry I'm late. I'm very tired. Hi. Hi. Oh, yes. Wait, hang on. There's only one way I'm going to get through this. Let me get this going. Oh, God.

AlexYeah. Oh, see, I thought that you were going to catch me juicing because I've got it on.

MerlinShould we do some follow up on this?

AlexYeah. Yeah. Let's let's do some follow up.

MerlinI'm addicted, Alex. I can't finish unless I have it on. Not on my forehead. Not on my forehead. I'll tell you a little bit about the extreme restraints.

AlexI love it when it's just right on my forehead, into my eyes. I'm OK with it.

MerlinI also also I'm oh, God, I'm juicing harder. oh more and more saline well yes i'm making making my saline uh more as i say difficult but also i got a ramekin of salt here like like the way you'd make like a margarita rim pardon my saying oh no yeah so i can i can double juice oh it hurts so much but at least i feel alive i feel something

Alexand a second one for my balls

Merlinis all I want for Christmas today shock my balls Santa if you don't know what it's for I will that's what Ben Franklin said ok I'm not suited for this life As Brian Wilson says, I just wasn't made for these times.

AlexYou know what I'm saying?

MerlinJesus Christ.

You put a lot of things into the dock.

AlexYes. Yes, I did.

MerlinI love this. The turkey's name was Carrot. I love that book.

Alexokay all right i mean i i assume that you also okay let's let's okay we got a lot of stuff we got a lot of stuff and we don't we can stop we got a lot to get through we're gonna stay here as long as it takes oh welcome to do by friday everybody a show where um the the original show the first show ever that had the hosts assign each other challenges the first first podcast ever and the first podcast to ban people. Not that

I'm bitter. I just want one thing. One thing.

MerlinThat doesn't seem like too much to ask. It doesn't

Alexseem like too much to ask, but you

Merlinknow. There's a lot of this replication going on. A lot of people are wheezing our juice, and I don't love that. You know,

Alexthere's other things. I know. Sterly kind gets a pass. She could finish on my forehead all day. I'm so sorry.

MerlinYou're so, oh God, you're so gay for her. Wow. Well, act one. Alex really puts off somebody they don't know.

AlexOh, I'm so sorry.

MerlinAre you? Are you sorry? Because I think you speak the truth.

AlexI remember I had one interaction with Starly Hyde, and it was a public interaction in which I said, hey, I really loved your work on This American Life and Mystery Show is my favorite podcast. And she had the exact same reaction that I have whenever someone tells me that they enjoy something I do, which is, oh my gosh, thank you so, so much. I'm sorry. I need to go now. Too many people.

And I've never empathized with another person more in my life.

MerlinYou know, you probably already know this.

AlexWow, what a humble brag. I apologize. That wasn't. Okay, sorry.

MerlinNo, no, no. But I think I have a suggestion for a way to improve that. So as you may know or recall, my line is I really enjoy your work. Now, here's the key. Think about body posture. And think about planes. Think about planes as in like, you know, your body. Think about how Apollo Robbins does what he does because why? He explains this in one of those wonderful videos.

AlexWait, planes as in trains as in automobiles or like a theoretical, like a field as in in Spain?

MerlinLike a Tavaziri plane, like a 180 rule.

AlexOh, okay, okay. Gotcha.

MerlinWell, just to say that, think about how the way that Apollo Robbins is able to, God, I love the way he explains this. if he just walked up to you and like stared you in the eyes and thrust his hand into your pocket you'd be a little bit suspicious but he does that thing where he sidles in sort of sideways and he's able to get in your personal space without it feeling like he's in your personal space that's just i mean no no but i'm just all i'm trying to say here is the how close you are to someone whether you are like you know person to person with them you know what i mean like

when I say planes, like if you and the other person, if your two faces and your public space barriers are basically parallel lines, no matter how far apart you are, if you stare somebody like dead in the eye while you talk to them in a way like that, like you're very still and steady and you're like, oh, I make my favorite podcast and you look right at them. I think what you need to do is do almost an exaggerated kind of Thomas Middleditch walk while you're going past them at a different angle.

At a different angle. So look at me. You're looking at me, right? Now imagine me turning. I'm turning like 45 degrees this way, and I'm walking, and I'm doing the walk, and I go, hey, I really enjoy your work. Have a good show. Or prick a leg, as we say. I feel like those are very different kinds of things. It's when you essentially almost get into somebody's space, and let's be honest, if you're a podcast person, you're probably broken inside, and that might feel very unintentionally aggressive to you. It's like, you know, it's why I've always said, you know,

nerds are like cats. You got to kind of wait for them to come to you. You know what I mean?

AlexOh, I 100% agree. But I hope that you're using this in the terms of the royal you because that's almost exactly what I did. It was like a straight on.

Like we were in a circle. I really enjoy your work. And it's like, okay, goodbye now. But yeah, no. I'm approaching somebody from the side and tapping them on the shoulder. If you are strangers, don't do that. Don't I immediately think it's Apollo Robbins. I immediately think that, uh, like I'm, I'm being stolen from. And also that like, I want, if you are trying to steal from me, please take everything and leave me alone. Like I've accepted my face.

MerlinI just want to, I will not miss this. I can always get a different driver's license, but, but I will never get my sense of safety back. Take everything and leave me nude I don't mind, just do it quickly And don't ask me any questions about my childhood

AlexExactly

MerlinIt's hard to do, and I do think Oh boy, I'm not going to say the thing

AlexWell, do you want to Can I remind you that the One time I said hello to you Shouting across a street Getting into a minivan That was an Uber or a Lyft With friend of the show Savannah And then, but we were both in the car like oh god that's really man that was so bad and you continued to dance and wave at us and i was like oh god oh god this man is never going to talk to us again did i put you at ease or did i scare you oh oh i mean that's that's the thing is did you scare me or did i scare myself i was probably

Merlindoing a lasso special on you because i'll take the heat for that i'll be the silly one i'll be the silly one and then you can you can be the one who goes oh man that guy you know you did a good morning boss i think i did i bring you biscuits but don't put that in gravy you did you bought

Alexyou bought me french fries at that terrible bar we talked about adventure time for an hour and then i was like i'm not afraid of really man anymore he likes those cartoons i got him i got you now i'm gonna add you to my podcast collection i am the collector that's how i started stomping

Merlinon stamps but you know i never mind we have a lot of other things to talk no no no go ahead

Alexthese are evergreen talking these are evergreen topics please proceed except for the tiny desk we need to talk about the tiny desk chop to la la la yeah i don't know what that means

Merlinoh i also have a really good adventure time photo to send you um um because i'm having a bit of a moment right now with you know actually this ties into the landlord topic in some ways. I think maybe it's just me. It's probably just me. But I do feel like everybody's getting a little fucking weird right now. A little? Yeah, but it's different weird. It's slightly different weird. I mean, it's you can't say anything equivocally and everybody's different. Pounce on privilege. But like it's all it's that like for if we I personally

was lauding the time when we were all being really cool with each other and saying like, you know, not even needing to say no response necessary or, you know, whatever. I think we We were all a little bit more Ted Lasso in, say, March and April. And I think today, by today, I mean, it's been almost a year since this thing started. And now I think in addition to the fatigue, which we'll get to, and what that's doing to our poor landlords, also that, you know, how does one say?

We've had the discussion about consider, you know, it's almost time for the new year. And if you need a resolution, consider this. Consider spending a little bit of time becoming the person who can do the one message, one response loop.

AlexOh, go on. Like a single question, single response, done.

MerlinWell, okay. So there are people in my life who, in my life, with whom I am happy to shuck and jive all day long. I will not reveal who those people are, but you could probably guess. There's not a lot.

AlexThat's why I wanted you to take the read receipts off. I'm like, I do not care if Merlin responds. I just go. Yep. And thank you. That was a good friendship move.

MerlinDid I turn it off? I think I did.

AlexI think so.

MerlinI don't utilize it. I don't even know what it does. So I turned it off because even though I didn't know what it did, you probably hacked me. But, you know, sometimes you, let's put it this way. Sometimes, amidst these challenging times, it can be.

AlexNow more than ever.

MerlinSometimes I just need a bit of fucking information from you. I need you to give me the information. Sometimes, so much communication. I've done this since the 93 folders years. Some communication, sometimes an email is not to send or obtain information. It's to say, I love you or just ping. It's a way to say, hey, hi, buddy. And that can be really fun. Sometimes I'll just have an exchange with somebody like, oh, the guy's in the park again with his speaker really loud. I'll say to my friend and neighbor. I'll text him. Or it'll be like, oh, my gosh, this is happening again.

Or big dog, little dog are back. Or that basset hound is so close to the ground. Look how big his feet are. Or whatever. And you have a little one-on-one exchange, and that's fun. But sometimes, let's say to somebody, I need to know, I just need to know your zip code for a thing. And then they go into a performance. Yes.

My zip code is lasagna. Okay, so what is it? Is it 9-4-what? Look at me Fake zip code guy

AlexLook at me, I'm dancing

MerlinDude I gotta go Do this with other people And I cannot have this with 11 people I can't I can't have Here's me, that's great Okay I can't do that with everybody all the time Anytime, okay So if it seems like I'm being a little cagey about that It's cause like I can't go into an Abbott Costello Routine with every fucking person I talk to If I'm asking you in a plane You ask me for the thing

I sent you the thing But then you're going into your little Yogi Bear dance with me I gave you the thing Become the one message loop person Consider this

AlexI don't know what it's called

MerlinLoopback It's a loop or a caddy I don't know cut that out

AlexOkay But it's hard to know.

MerlinIt's hard to know because we want to be friendly and we want to have friends. You know, and we want, you know, I'm hungry for friendship.

AlexI am also more hungry for friendship than I've ever been in my life. But I also know that there are days when I am like, nope, no friendship. Do not want friendship.

MerlinOh, I know.

AlexI can tell.

MerlinWell, there's days when you're very effusive in a given thing. And there's other times where, like, I don't hear from you for a while. and usually it's in the evening and I send you a dumb kid thing or something. But no, I get that.

AlexShe's not dumb. You're dumb.

MerlinYou're dumb. You're the dumb one. You're such a dumb dummy. Oh, yeah, Adventure Time.

AlexMark B.

MerlinMark B. Oh, shit dog, our Saturn V arrived.

AlexAll right, wait, but you're doing a meet. You're doing it. Oh, see, see, this is... Chop, chop, chop. Bleeper, bleeper. Yes, yes, yes. But I hear you saying, I hear you.

MerlinYeah. How does that make you feel? How does this make you feel?

AlexThat you feel.

MerlinDon't tell anyone.

AlexI have a genuine question. Do you seem, I don't know. why do you feel the need to always respond and do the shucking and the jiving because i feel like i've set up a system and an expectation with most people um through oh oh my juicer's off oh it's

Merlinburning oh it's burning um why does it give you an extra blast at the end is that to remind you

Alexthat it's working i i don't know isn't that strange that it does that yeah uh dig dug follow up we're talking about the brain zappers we're wearing that we wore last episode um and i want to hear about if you're still wearing it maybe in the after show i'm yeah i gotta be honest i'm just i'm doing it as a goof okay all right because i have i oh i don't know although it is it is kind of amusing the way it hurts your head yeah it's just it's a little it's a i i don't know um okay i think it's on the and then my oh oh hold on the whole that's brain goose oh god it's like a

What's it doing to you, Alex? What's happening? Oh, no. Headphones off. Oh, gosh. No. Oh, no. All right. Hello.

MerlinSorry, you were talking about your head buzzer.

AlexMy head buzzer is done. I was able to finish. But you sound like you feel a little bit guilty for not always interacting with people.

MerlinI think I understand your question. Why do I feel the need when somebody wants to shuck and jive and and casualize our relationship in a way that's fun and grows the relationship and you get to have an exchange? I do that. We all do that. It's it's so important in any time to be able to have easy like an easy rapport with your friends. And like sometimes your friends are having a bad day and like you want to like just, you know, whatever, be silly or whatever. And I mean, anything I say to this is going to sound like really dickly, but I say it as somebody who's been the recipient and sender of this response, which is sometimes you need someone to play with you in the space.

And if somebody reaches out to you for whatever reason, perhaps reasons unknown, they want to play with you in the space, I think you should do that if you're okay with that. I can't do that with everybody all the time, especially folks that I, you know, maybe don't know super well. But by the same token, if somebody wants to play with me in the space, I mean, what do I bitch about? I bitch about people who the first time they ever reach out to you to contact you about anything are there to do something nasty. They're there to be fucking Jamie Tartt. And like instead, like I'm ready to play low status and have fun with you.

And like if somebody wants to do a bit and it's a one message flip, we need a name for this. I'm fine with that. But it's that. I mean, this sounds like such an asshole thing to say, but I hope you'll appreciate it, which is that, okay, I have a note. This is a long story. There's a thing that I have hanging on my wall here, which is like a lot of the things in my office, there are things that my wife has thrown away that I decided I'd prefer to keep, even though they're garbage. Even like my child's tiny Ikea table with the chairs that fall over very easily, that is now where a lot of my hard drives live.

And I love to look at it. I love to look at the Ikea table that she used to sit at and have tea parties with Tigger. I like that because my wife is a monster oh you want some Tigger tea party photos oh shit dog you see the one I just sent you that was one of my featured photos today look at Finn's it's Finn's sword

AlexI know but she's got a princess

Merlinthis is the beginning of the monstrosity she's become now the goth monster that she is now

Alexoh no she's seen

Merlinshe's having fun with it she's having fun with genres and so So I have this thing that we used to have in our bathroom when it was an actual thing. And it's like a mirror. It's kind of a cheapy retro. She actually found this on the street in the Mission in the 90s, which she would never do today. Pick up street garbage. This is when she was like a –

AlexIt would be a really different kind of garbage.

MerlinShe was a bike person, so I try not to blame her for too much. But it's one of those things. It's like a mirror with a little slidey cabinet. If you've been to my office, it's that thing where I've got like all my little collectibles, the post office box store I stole from my college, The picture of me and you look nice today, the picture of me and Scott, somebody drew. That's where my Daenerys and my eight and a half doctor are. And it's got a mirror. And around the mirror is this metal, what do you call it, a bezel, to which I have magnetized a handwritten letter that I received in 1988 or nine, probably.

AlexOh.

MerlinI wrote to my hero at the time, Jonathan Richman, who was my favorite singer-songwriter at the time, probably. Yeah, like my favorite definitely folky singer-songwriter. I wrote to Jonathan Richman, one, two, three, four, radio, one, that guy.

And I wrote him a note, jackhammer. I wrote him a note, and it was just a dumb effusive note. And the dude fucking wrote me back in Bic Ballpoint Pen. He wrote me a note. He talked about the, to me, Alex, he talked about the kinks and the Velvet Underground in a handwritten letter to nobody, to fucking nobody. And like the time I met Steve Garvey, where I said dumb shit, like, my coach hates the way I try to bat like you. And he's like, that's cool. You seem like a really nice guy. I wrote to Jonathan Richman to say, I really like all your stuff. And I paid to record one of your songs

as a cover in a studio. And I really like you. And he wrote me back. And he wrote me back as a peer. Fucking Jonathan Richman, modern lovers. He wrote me back as a fucking peer.

AlexAnd I would say one of the fathers of punk or the beginning, like, oh, my God.

MerlinOh, shit, dog. Yes. But then he got totally weird, you know, like then he was like, oh, New England, you know, and oh, my God. Or oh, my God. Oh, we got to talk about Jonathan Richman. So I am by no means trying to cast myself as an overkind Jonathan Richman. But I do know that you never know what it took for somebody to get with you. What it took for them to go, oh, gosh, I really want to craft this thing to this person. And I, you know what I mean? Like, I've been on, I feel like I've been on both sides of that.

And if you do appreciate somebody wanting you to play in the space, then you should show it. But you can't do it all the time. And don't do it for business. If it's for business, just send your zip code.

AlexOh.

MerlinThat's my point. Zip code is not a point to go into, like, who's on first or the mirror gag.

AlexThis isn't a hashtag privilege thing. This is, as you just said, everybody is weird now. It's just we're all weird in very different ways.

MerlinYes, I totally agree. I said so early. God, I'm sorry. I said early on, I wish I could draw because I want my New Yorker cover that I draw.

AlexOh, sorry. I did a Merlin man binge and I heard this drawing part. So see, I did it. I was like, I play in the space.

MerlinOh, what was it on? What was it on? Was it on a Roderick probably?

AlexNo, it was on Rectifs, but I was a little bit on a Roderick on the line.

MerlinBut it would be like a Chris Ware. I imagine like a Chris Ware drawing.

AlexSo good.

MerlinOh, wait, I don't know if this is what you think it is.

AlexOh, sorry. Go ahead.

MerlinEverybody comes out of their house and they're weird. Is that what you're talking about?

AlexYes.

MerlinOkay. Yeah. So imagine Chris Ware style drawing. Could be anybody. But like, I like the idea of his style. And you could do it if you want to really do a bit. It would be a before and after. But what I'm imagining is once we have turned a corner and everybody knows we turned a corner and we're getting into like, you know, hopefully somewhere we'll be in a few months, which is like, you know, we're emerging and there's still a huge risk. But it's OK to be outside and talk to people now.

AlexOh, boy. Oh, big shock. Big shock. OK.

MerlinAnd I had this idea, though, of like a drawing of a bunch of people emerging like on the same street, each emerging from their house. and there's been something like evolution that has occurred over that year and everybody's completely weird in a different psychotic like Galapagos way. Like some people, their head is a TV you know, like in Saga or like one person has like, instead of they've grown antlers, accept their baby arms out of their head but something where you're like, oh wow, we sure have changed in the last year

and we all emerge and we look at each other and we have no idea how to interact because we've now each basically become our own genus and species. Because that's what it feels like that's where we're going.

AlexIt does. It does.

MerlinI only wear burlap potato bags now.

AlexI mean, recently I started wearing a different, it is the same shirt again every single day, but it's now a charcoal shirt or a charcoaled gray.

MerlinOh, so you still do Cotton Bureau, but now you've gone from gray to charcoal.

Alexum i've gone from a blue cobalt to a to a uh i i don't i don't know i'm i'm you're good keep going but you're still doing your tribe lens i'm doing oh i love a good tribe and but i i there's this rick and morty episode that i was watching the other day where it is that time time is frozen and people have kind of merged from different you different universes and we are a multiverse right now because i mean i know that you think i'm horny for uh the the cortex boys but really i

think i'm horny for all the brits and but the cgp gray idea of everybody's in their own spaceship is so true but it's also kind of like battle star galactica like some of us are in of are always in a viper and then there's there's other of us there's other folks who are you know on galactica and they live in an apartment building where everybody's uh quarantine oh i like this this is good and i mean i just keep in mind or really try to keep in mind um as not as i go outside more

but i've been in my car a lot more uh just doing errands for folks and wow i'm patting myself on back up fuck that queen cut that out i'm sorry but i'm just no no you should no it's okay to

Merlinleave that in because that's that's actually a huge new thing that were the people who are begging everybody. I mean, I think they said today, California CDC, it's early, but somebody's basically saying, I think somebody at like the Deborah Birx level were saying like, look, if local people are not telling you to take care of yourself, it's incumbent upon everybody else to get that messaging through to them somehow. And that means that what I read this morning, just laying in bed was that if you're over 65, it's critical. I mean, more than at any other point in all of this, it's, it's critical that if you're over 65 or have these conditions,

you not enter any closed space with people not wearing masks end of story i don't know how to put this any clearer to you you need to have other people bring you groceries and leave it outside you're in you're at so much risk of of this right now and people aren't telling you that we haven't said that for a while we've been saying wash your hands for a year or whatever eight months nine months but that that kind of thing so you're doing a good thing don't don't don't be hard on yourself

Alexit's nice that you're doing that my spouse is is much better at it but i mean i think we are kind of getting to the point of, you know, who among us has the hashtag privilege of being young enough, not just young enough, but are healthy enough in terms of our lungs and who can do this.

MerlinRight. And it's not difficult. It's not that difficult to do and it's not that risky to do. And yet there are those kinds of nice things in life where you can have an impact on somebody else's life by doing something that's, say, for example, calling them by the name that they would like to be called, which costs nothing. That's just one thing.

AlexI mean, unless you have a gender jar, but you know.

MerlinI don't understand. How could a person declare themselves to now be a man and still be playing a woman on TV?

AlexCan you imagine? How would that even work?

MerlinNow, Scarlett Johansson, you get Scarlett Johansson or, you know, Hillary Swank in there or GTG.

AlexOh, Hillary Swank. Visit. Hi, everybody. My name is Alex Cox. I'm going to plug my spouse's podcast TwoHeadedGirl.com It's also mine, but he's what makes it good I really like when Hilary Swank Portrayed Oh goodness, Brendan Tina

MerlinI know there's Brendan, not Brendan, Tina

AlexTina Belcher I've been working on Tina's talking points Yeah, but I don't think we should Cancel Hilary Swank for Playing a trans man in 1989

MerlinNo, no, no, no, no, no I'm just, no

AlexI'm just, I'm in a mood, Merlin. Not at you. I apologize. Not at you.

MerlinNo, it's fine. Keep going. No, I'm just saying that in my house, like, believe me, I get to hear plenty about everything.

AlexYou've got some woke scolds all up in there.

MerlinOh, my goodness. I have a very progressive family member. I can't find this cute photo of her having a tea party. It's in here somewhere. I'm very distracted trying to find this. Sometimes, you know, I'm like a dog with a bone. You know what I mean? I got to finish. I got to finish the thing. Oh, look at Cable Sasser. used to be you could go in public and be with Cable Sasser June 8th, 2010 what a different time, lordy

Alexthe last time I think someone took a picture of me with pure joy on my face was Syracuse taking me a picture of when I was trying the Playmate oh that sounds weird Panic's new toy slash gaming system yeah it looks like a Game Boy and I'm like oh is that the last time I had literally nothing to worry about. Oh my gosh.

MerlinWhat a time. Oh, and so you were driving around more in your car. Go ahead.

AlexOh, I don't know. It just feels very...

MerlinYou admonished yourself about patting yourself on the back, but you were talking about...

AlexWell, just driving around, it's very strange to see that some buildings and some houses are taking things very seriously. and others just, oh look, there's a barbecue happening even though it's 45 in Chicago. Alex,

MerlinI mean, there's the joke, but it's not a joke. The parklet thing or whatever we're calling it now, it's asinine.

AlexBasically, outdoor dining

Merlinhas now become indoor dining. It's more like you're in some kind of Quonset hut outside. I don't think that's technically outdoors. If it has three sides, that's not outside. It's not outside enough. That's what I'll say about that.

AlexOh, well, this thing, it is, they just constructed a fucking building. Oh, come on now. Oh, no, here I am trying to get a picture of this incredibly depressing building. Oh, here we are.

Or, quote, the outside dining part of this.

MerlinOh, look at that. Oh, Jesus. Okay. I mean, I guess. And again, I mean, I have to tell you, I'm very close to stopping doing this because I think it's really annoying and I'm tired of doing it. But just to be clear, I'm not saying all these places should go out of business. I'm saying what everybody's saying, which is give all the fucking money to the places that we want to survive, but we can't have right now. Give all of the money to restaurants and bars. And if they want to keep serving for pickup, that's fine.

But like we need to we need a massive operation to pay everybody all the fucking money right now. And that's I mean, but that's that's the problem. I mean, it all does kind of come down to money eventually. But like people are going to keep doing this, doing like they're going to find any way they can to keep everything open. And it's not safe. It's you got to stop everybody.

Alexit's really hard too because you know we're supporting all of these small businesses because you know hashtag privilege i couldn't uh afford to you know eat out and and pick pick up food but then um give us your fucking money.com yes please go to give us your fucking money.com so i can um buy more uh weed from independent dealers uh not dealers but yeah i know right It's an essential service. No, we say dealer.

MerlinWe don't really say dealer anymore.

AlexWe say entrepreneur. Oh, boy. Look, there actually are some good places in Chicago that don't suck. I'm going to put them in the show notes.

MerlinOur place is awesome, and you don't have to smoke with them. They just deliver it. They come to your house.

AlexThey give it to you. They're nice, and they walk away. That's it. That's beautiful.

MerlinAnd they're really grateful for tips, which I think is sweet. I get the feeling other people are not tipping as much as I tip the weed men.

AlexThe weed men Are Well the safest

MerlinOne of the most fearsome of all of the Doctor Who villains

AlexRise

MerlinRise of the Weedmen Dawn of the Weedmen Attack of the Weedmen Day of the Weedmen

AlexDay of the Weed It's the watermelon

MerlinThe doctor is detected man The doctor is detected

AlexOh we're all just THC in the end and so tipping the weed man yeah we can't do that at the you know uh there's there is this by customer by law by i actually don't know because this place did accept tips in the past

But now it is it's really the safest. We can't be delivered to in Chicago.

MerlinOh, maybe it's a well, is it? But it's all cash operation, right? Like all of them.

AlexNo, no, it is. Thankfully, debit. So you can just, you know, bleep, bloop.

MerlinAnd because I've heard one of the problems with legal weed is you cannot get a bank account from anywhere. If you're a weed person and which, of course, didn't makes them a target for robberies and for various kinds of like. It probably is pretty tempting to do some skeezy bookkeeping, I have to imagine. But yeah, I mean, you know, legalize it. Don't criticize it. You know what I'm saying?

AlexWell, that's the thing with our lovely Weed Walmart is it's basically, I mean, it's really like the drive up Target experience. They're like, OK, here you go. Goodbye. And I'll be real. um my my if perhaps i'm related to an older person in my family who who uh of course i'm related to an older person i've had so much caffeine in my family you're related to an older person in your family pound sign privilege okay yeah and uh like i i don't want him for a

second going in inside to get this thing that really really helps his anxiety and uh old man bones so but i also feel like gross going to the target place yeah well some of them are titanium bones which i'm a little bit jealous of but i'm not going to tell my dad oh i wish i had a 20-year basketball injury so i could have a metal on me metal knee did you dance did you dance but yeah we're all in different spaceships some of us have have are you know the safe

Swede spaceships and other times you'll walk into a target because like they gave you the wrong fruit. And it's as if I don't know.

MerlinYou walk into the what? What? Wrong target? Wrong fruit?

AlexYeah. Well, you know, what is happening?

MerlinHang on. Forget it. Hang on. I'm putting it back on. I'm putting it back on. I need to wet. I need to re-moisten my saline.

AlexOh, no. Where's my saline? Oh, no, my ceiling.

MerlinHow often do you change your pads, be honest? Is 100 the right number?

AlexHow often do you change your head pads? I would say no, 100 is...

MerlinI haven't changed mine yet. I've been reusing them.

AlexNo, I've used them probably 12 times, and I have not changed my pad.

MerlinDo you find they get harder or they get more difficult over time?

AlexI do a thorough rinse every time.

MerlinOh, you get the salts out. Oh, see, I was doing mine. I was having it build up, you know, like on a pot pipe. type situation. Oh, interesting. Look at the pictures of the tea party.

AlexIt's so cute. They do this thing in Disney World where it's called like breakfast. Oh, like a character

Merlinbreakfast kind of thing?

AlexYeah. Oh, gosh.

MerlinSo Emma, tiny Emma here. God, that's so cute. Oh, this is a cute time.

AlexPat the bunny!

MerlinPat the bunny! And she has the Melissa and Doug everything, Melissa and Doug cupcakes, but she's got, she went to have a party and she wanted specifically SpongeBob plates for the party. And so there's Rudolph and there's that creepy baby, Tigger. You see many beloved characters.

AlexYeah.

MerlinAnd then she made them cupcakes for a party.

AlexOh, my goodness. I mean, this year I wanted Pokemon plates for my birthday, so I can't endorse SpongeBob, but I like, you know, they look structurally sound.

MerlinWhy can't we have both? Why do we have to fight about that?

AlexYou know what? You know what? Narcissism of small differences. You're right. Yeah, see, there's some Spider-Man cups there.

MerlinI disagree. There's no such thing as a narcissism of small differences. I think that's a joke, but I'm not entirely sure.

AlexI'm just.

MerlinOh, here's her dressed up in a dragon outfit.

AlexThis is cute.

MerlinI'm just going to send you photos of my daughter all day if that's okay.

AlexI mean, it's just so upsetting because it just, just, oh, a little dinosaur. Yeah. Oh, I need to. Look at that face. Oh, my goodness. That is, that is the face of a child that seems very conflicted about what she has to wear at the moment.

MerlinNo, no, no. So this was a dress-up costume that somebody made for her preschool.

AlexOh, wow.

MerlinAnd they decided to auction it off for an auction, and she was like, she really wanted it.

AlexShe was like, this is mine.

MerlinYes. I will have the dragon, please.

AlexI claim this in the name of the man. I'll be out in Spain.

MerlinYeah. Anyway, you're right, though. Okay, so this is my thing, though. Oh, my God. Oh, there's so many. Oh, she used to like us.

AlexOh, my gosh.

MerlinOh.

AlexOh, so cute. And now she's cool. It's very upsetting.

MerlinOh, man, you should see her. But, like, actually, you know what? This is not interesting. But I'm trying to find a theory that covers this phenomenon, which is, like, I don't know if you got this, but, like, about a month or two ago, I want to say, there was suddenly this explosion of activity. I don't know if this is tied to loosening the rules or whatever, but like suddenly there was scaffolding up in a lot of areas of my neighborhood. And people were painting houses.

People were renovating things. My landlord is renovating a unit at our house. It has been like, I don't know, if you amortized it over like three years, it would be like an hour a week, which usually takes place over like three weekends or something. But anyway, but also like you got your Dougie. Now, outside, this is municipal. It's PG&E. But I feel like there's been this weird kind of burst of activity. And my question is, or my theory is, that I wonder if it is people going star crazy.

I wonder if it's that, like, people want some activity and something to do. If, like, the border collie in all of us is coming out and we need to do something outside and useful. That's a dumb theory, but it's a theory.

AlexLike, me and my projects, Alex. You know how I'm always looking for projects? Oh, my goodness. My projects. I would love to do a revisit this in the after show and, you know, cosplay my fantasy of productivity podcasting and have my own racket. Projects.

MerlinThis is for the after show. You go to give us your fucking money dot com. We do a whole second show. We have a holiday party coming up after show. We're doing talking about projects. Got it.

AlexYeah. Yeah. And I will say the last the last after show we did. I don't know. There's there's I will say the after show.

MerlinI try... I don't remember it being good, let alone that

Alexgood. Neither do I, but you know I shouldn't... Is that what we talked about, the Lord? Yes, yes, and I know that you never listen to the feedback, and you should not, but I just got a lot of nice notes, so thank you, folks, for that.

MerlinWhere do people say that? Where do people say that? Because I'll take the compliment secondhand. Where do people say that?

AlexThey DM me on Twitter, probably

Merlinbecause... They DM you? Oh, DM you, I see.

AlexThey DM me on Twitter, like, when I'm mean to iOS filmmakers.

MerlinMy DMs are open.

AlexMy dental dam. Kissing his braces.

MerlinOh, God. I think someone needs to tighten my gaskets and tie down my bigger knots. Jesus Christ. Somebody please work on my piping.

AlexOh, my goodness.

MerlinLook at the apple shirt. Look at her in the apple shirt.

AlexOh my gosh. Oh my goodness. I mean, this is the other thing. We're now debating, not so much debating in my family, but there was a decree, no Thanksgiving for anybody. um and and my immediate family households um where my parents live and my two youngest siblings live and the um because uh because of luck and the uh theory that you have my my brother and sister-in-law

live literally like next next to them um you know i was like don't be creepy but it was like okay rent or in this case owning a house. Why don't you just buy a house? Get a condo. Just buy a house.

MerlinYou know all that money that goes back into your pocket

Alexsomeday. Why don't you just buy a house?

MerlinIt's really similar to renting except you have to buy it. You can get your countertops the way you want and your mudroom. You can get your mudroom realigned. Realign the mudroom and then when you come in from your horsey materials and you want to take off your boots you can do it in the mudroom. And you could have the gift wrapping room and the Tupperware room and the hats I don't like anymore room and room of rooms.

AlexI'm going to get hives. I'm going to, these are all things. Oh, God.

MerlinHave you thought about buying a house?

AlexAlex, you could show off all your computers. And I'm like, what?

MerlinAll those dolls that you like and your kitties could have some kind of a swing, like a sex swing for a kitty.

AlexYour Funko Pops. Cats need pussy too. You got your Funko Pops.

MerlinOh, that's super. That's great.

AlexAnyway, they took upon this moving project because luckily pretty much everybody in my family is employed. Hashtag privilege. But the thing now is in the suburbs and especially Chicago, rent is kind of plummeting because people are homeless and landlords are like, oh, fuck. And we're realizing why this system doesn't work. and uh we've talked about my landlord and how it's uh he can be difficult and in the past we're

Merlinlike i had an interaction with him literally this morning oh i should tell you the pictures in which i i i got a text i don't understand why do you have to interact with him why does it put differently what does he need to interact with you and the house so much don't answer i'm sure there's a

Alexreason but honestly i think the reason is he's like uh hey everybody please don't leave um because because there are so many, like, it's, if you don't have a job right now or cannot go to a job right now, like, what can, like, so many of my friends are just moving back in with their parents, which is, you know, the millennial stereotype, and it's because it's true, but I-

MerlinAnd, you know, I just want to say in passing, I just want to, I want to pop into this alcove for a second. I've made that joke, and I think that joke is extremely relevant to people who are trying to play like they're a big man. People who like to play like they're a big man on fucking Reddit, but do actually live in their parents' spare bedroom. Like, I think that is a little bit of a thing to make fun of, and I'm going to stand by that. But A, like, a lot of this is out of, if not financial necessity, it's, sometimes it's financial necessity, but it could also be it just makes sense for all of your family to be in a big house at the same time.

You can minimize expenses, and no, yeah, like, people don't have a lot of fucking money right now. Like, yeah. But, like, it's also that, like, part B, I don't think this is a new phenomenon. I think we just, it's one of those things almost where we had different names for things. We had, we've had, if you go back further, you go back in time, the more abstract the euphemisms are for all kinds of stuff. Let's start with, you know, people who are gay. There's all kinds of code words for that in, or queer in any way. But like on the crown, for example, think about all the euphemisms on the crown.

Think about, wait, so wait, I'm sorry, I can't remember who I'm, who I've talked to about what. So you've seen the crown, right?

AlexI'm in mid-season three.

MerlinBut you've seen S1E1. You've seen the first couple episodes of season one.

AlexYes.

MerlinThink of the backflips they do in order to avoid saying a certain word and in order to avoid speaking plainly to the king of England about his condition.

AlexOh, yes, yes. Absolutely.

MerlinThat was true up to the time that my father had that word. That's not a word that people said. People did not say the old C word title.

AlexWow.

MerlinNot the new C word. But then there's all kinds of things like that where you would say, again, for gay guys, there was like very polite ways to refer to especially gay men. And so you would say things like he was a – oh, Cary Grant, he's a confirmed bachelor.

AlexYeah.

MerlinAll the way down to like the more pejorative sort of he's light in his loafers or he's very creative. But there were all these things. Or you would say like, you know, you would say about a girl, she has a great personality. Like, well, that's not really what you meant probably, but these euphemisms. and I bet you that if we unpacked it a little bit, we'd find a lot of euphemisms for neither the parents nor the kid feel great about them living at home at this point, but we do that. Oh, I'm helping my parents out right now.

That would be a good euphemism, even if it's not a euphemism. But the point is it's only now that we're speaking plainly about it because people are so broadly unmoneyed And that we need to talk about it as a thing. And we can't just keep pretending like everything's, you know, okie-dokie and that you're running your telemarketing empire out of a tool shed, you know, just because, you know, you don't have to pay rent there. I don't know. I think there's no shame in that now more than ever.

AlexThis is very much a Western thing.

MerlinBut that said, Rosemary apparently bought a house and I'm mad and jealous.

AlexOh, I know. Oh, but she can't put up her security. So fucking mad.

MerlinOh, Rosemary, what are you going to do with your devices? is why didn't you get a cassetta in the house that you bought?

AlexThat money goes back to you. It goes back to you. But I think it's very much a Western thing for us to be like, oh, don't be close to your parents. But for...

MerlinIn Japan, that's totally normal, right?

AlexI mean, in most Eastern countries, even in Poland, which has become very problematic. And I'm like, well, that's one place that I guess...

MerlinIn Eastern Europe, there's still families that are... not extended families, but like your even

Alexparents or close aunts and uncles.

MerlinSlightly super nuclear families, like two or three generations, yeah. Right. That's normal, right? Yeah, yeah.

AlexAnd now I a lot of my friends who are employed and had their, they're actually still paying a lease because, you know, hashtag privilege, but they are staying with their parents because otherwise... If you say that one more time, I swear to Christ. I know, I'm just

MerlinI swear to Christ, I don't know what I'm going to do to you, but it's going to be unpleasant. You need to stop doing that.

AlexI know. I know. I'm, I'm, I'm okay. Okay. Hashtag resistant. I'm so stuck. I'll stop. Okay. Okay.

MerlinYou win this one. You win this one. Next time you will not be so lucky. I'll tell you about some extreme restraints. Anyway.

AlexI don't know. I just, I, sometimes I am so fucking happy that I don't have to live with my parents. Oh, I can't even imagine a world. And I love them very, very deeply. But it just makes sense for a lot of people because otherwise, especially if you're not partnered up and you can live in a house instead of the little Cox Cavern that we have here. I mean, why not? Especially if you don't need to interact with your parents except for, you know, being the one who gets groceries.

Like I there's there's that popular ejaculation podcast where they're all literal millionaires, but they wanted to be close to their family. And I think we're removing a lot of shame from that. Or at least I hope we are, because I mean, there's a big difference between. I don't know. There's a big difference, I feel like, obviously, living in the parents' basement and just taking advantage of them and embracing a very different kind of lifestyle that we now have to accept as normal, whether that be still having roommates or living with parents in your 30s.

I don't know it's something I've been thinking about a lot lately especially

Merlinwe should do a challenge about shame

Alexoh yeah that's been suggested and I'm like that's a good challenge but it's good

MerlinI don't know what it would be but I'm putting it it's not in the docker and the sheet yet but I've written it on the paper here you know this came up in an episode of it doesn't matter but I'd like to be complete we were watching of course We're watching Umbrella Academy, which is her new TV show. And this came up in an episode. It's so—

AlexOh, we got to say, otherwise I'm going to get the DMs by—you mean it's your kid's new show, not Elliot Page's new show.

MerlinThat's correct. Why would someone contact us about that? Because I'd be misgendering the person I'm not talking about?

AlexExactly. Yes. Yep. 110% and it's driving me fucking insane.

MerlinOkay, we've watched The Boys a lot and we wanted to pivot to something similar and by we, I mean my they, Elliot, daughter. That's not thy name.

Boy, it seems like there's a lot of drama in the gender community just in general. I see it reflected off of what she's telling me about stuff but it seems like there's a lot of drama.

AlexEveryone's so bored.

MerlinSo there's a trans man who's mad about what's a non-eyedetic what's the word pronouns like you can only use they and them and then everybody goes into that person's I think you're allowed to call a person go into their YouTube video and then you do copy pastas as comments because the person doesn't like jjurs I does that seem confusing because boy it sure was confusing to me

Alexit sure is there's a lot of drama

Merlinin the gender community is that what I'm getting yes

Alexand I don't even like I don't enjoy I have a show about gender and I don't even

MerlinIf it weren't for my daughter, Jill GotowitsonU I don't think I would know anything

AlexWhich is fine because if someone came up to you and said Oh, actually, my name is this But it's sort of like

MerlinOf all the people on my political Twitter boy, there's a lot I like But for funniness Well, this is mostly dudes, I apologize Well, you got Alexander Petra, of course But Dave Weigel and Dave Itzkoff like two people who just like, oh boy, they're really good at Twitter. And of course, people like David Roth, but like, you know, Jill Cudowitz is so fucking funny. And her bit about, with the screen grab from the Robin Hood cartoon, where he's a beggar, like looking for lesbians.

AlexThe Fox one, yeah, yeah.

MerlinBecause the lesbians are endangered by the, yeah.

AlexThe they is, we're taking them down.

MerlinThe trans are taking over, where are my lesbians at? Oh my god, what a lot of drama. But then there's that and there's Ricky Montgomery. I hear a lot about a person called Ricky Montgomery who writes very good songs and has a good Twitter.

AlexOh, I don't know who that is. Really? No, I truly don't.

MerlinOh, look up Mr. Loverman.

AlexMr. Twitter?

MerlinThat is, we shared our dumb Spotify thing last night. Oh, you'd be proud to know, my daughter is in the top 1% of Steven Universe listeners.

AlexNo.

MerlinYeah.

AlexOh, because of the, oh, my God.

MerlinI think her favorite one is the one that goes, this is the same song with slightly different words.

AlexI don't know if you're canceled for anything.

MerlinAnd then the gems, the gems come together. It's called scissoring. Scissoring the gems. I heard scissoring's a myth.

AlexOh, anyway, I'm really happy. Actually, I prefer it to be called myth.

MerlinMyth. Don't call me myth. Call me myth.

AlexAnyway.

MerlinThat was a funny joke in the 70s, making jokes about the word miz.

AlexDid you know that?

MerlinOn one day at a time, the superintendent, Schneider, who was kind of like a dougie, he so what's her name the mother she liked to be called Ms. Ms. Romano and Schneider couldn't bring himself to do it so he would call her Ms. Romano and that was a joke on the show Norman Lear

Alexthat's a pretty good joke actually

Merlinhad Valerie Bertinelli and Mackenzie Phillips it was a good show this is it the one you get to tell you and go and have it all

Alexthere's that

Merlinthere's Alice did you ever watch Alice Alice is probably a little before your time.

AlexNo. I do not even know what that is.

MerlinWhat year you were born? Like 1999?

AlexSomething like that? No, 1990. Yeah. Yeah.

MerlinOh. The year I started my job with Dave the Marketing Guy.

AlexOh. That's when you were born. Oh, my.

MerlinYou probably don't remember that.

AlexOh, isn't this the guy?

MerlinHey, how's Captain Marlon doing? Marlon, how am I going to get more sugar baths on my bus driver? How am I going to get one of them 30s? Dave the Marketing Guy. One of the earliest characters on Back to Work.

AlexYeah. Oh, yeah.

MerlinThat's even before Bluetooth.

AlexI didn't know until listening to your other program, Reconcilable Differences, or Differently Reconcilable. I'm very confused.

MerlinI hate the name. Don't say it. I hate the name. I hate it.

AlexYeah. Well, I didn't realize that the backyard interview of the Merlin Show with you and John Roderick was like a pilot in in the way that like the Adventure Time pilot was a pilot to Back to Work and I'm like holy shit and so now I'm um yeah that that yeah exactly that and the time he's

Merlinon Back to Work but that was really fun to do that that it's gosh to do the Merlin show today it would be so much easier I bought two video cameras uh two lav mics I bought all of these different i spent a lot of money and then we're shooting to dv is that what it's called what's

Alexcalled the cassette format uh this was in 2003 i think no no no no no no so jonathan colin it

Merlinwould be oh 2007 probably yeah but you know i'm talking about those those red little red cassette tapes yes oh god and but then but then you got to open for me iMovie for ben it was probably i don't know final cut existed then but you open it up and then you have to like run the tape to get it onto your hard drive.

And I think it was, it might have been, I don't think it was 1080. It might have been 1080.

AlexI feel like it was probably 720.

Merlin720.

AlexI have done a lot of archival footage work.

MerlinAnd it was a lot of work. I had to get two Libsyn accounts. I still have them today. Yeah, but it was so much work. And now today you could do that with your iPhone and your friend's iPhone. And maybe, you know, like a better mic. but you'd be good to go. Isn't that crazy to think about? That's not that many years ago, Alex.

AlexI know. I know. And I actually think and kind of mourn the Merlin show days, not because I want to hear men talking in their backyards. But no, it was very good. I love your backyard very much. And oh, yeah. Thank you. Anyway, but I. Oh, yeah.

MerlinPeter, when he kept talking about LJ. Yeah, he's talking about LiveJournal. He kept referring to it as LJ, and I thought that was so cute. He's very handsome.

AlexDon't you think he's handsome? He has, he's had a glow up, if you will. I mean, all of them. He looked great then. I agree. What was his band before?

MerlinWhat was his band before that? I forget. What was it? Five Tools or whatever was his site, was it? And wasn't he related to Nothing Painted Blue, I feel like? But that's not the famous one he was in. What is the one I'm thinking of You ever heard of Nothing Painted Blue?

You might hate them What's his name? Peter

AlexTeal? Blood Boy?

MerlinHughes, Hughes

AlexPeter Blood Boy

MerlinPeter Hughes, musician Mountain Goats Okay, I'm clicking What is his other band? All of you out there yelling, you're not helping Oh, he was in Nothing Painted Blue Yes Pickin' me up with a compressor limiter All right, save it for the after show. Nothing painted blue. I'm writing it down. Okay, okay.

AlexOh, I got to tell the dead grandma story in the after show. I promise I will tell you about the- I'm running out of paper here. Okay, nothing painted blue. Dead grandma? Dead grandma. Gruesome grandma death. But I think that there is so much pressure, or like millennials and up feel so much pressure to have high production values for some reason instead of just making a good thing, which is why I don't endorse spending six hours a day on TikTok.

But some of the best stuff, it's just people doing a thing and they're screaming into their microphones. And I don't know. I just, I love that.

MerlinI'm sorry. I lost the thread a little bit because I'm looking at Peter Hughes' page on the internet science site. What the fuck are you talking about?

AlexIs this dead grandma? I'm so lost.

MerlinI feel like I'm losing time here.

AlexDead grandma will be for the after show. Go to giveusyourfuckingmoney.com if you want to hear the after show and get some nice digital treats. Anyway, I don't know how much you watch TikTok, but I really think that this is kind of defining a... It's not just defining generational humor, but it is reframing the way we think about media to the point where I even think that Mr. Todd is okay with horizontal video.

And I was a holdout as well. Like, no, I need my 16 by 9. Portrait?

MerlinPortrait versus landscape?

AlexThank you. Thank you. Thank you. Hot dog, not hamburger. What?

MerlinDo you wash your legs?

AlexI could eat peach all day. What? Oh, God.

MerlinOkay, so Todd says TikTok is okay.

AlexI think Todd.

MerlinTikTok is defining a new thing.

Alexdon't you think that short kind of like how we were all how we all loved vines um yeah you know

Merlinwhat else it is every time a kid shows me a video and then has to explain it to me by showing me other videos um i mean obviously i come across tiktoks um because everybody puts everything on twitter because twitter is where people go i see tiktoks and sometimes i love them very much did we talked about the one where the guy meets himself from different times have we ever talked

Alexabout that one oh the guys who's like oh yep uh which which fire is that i'm like i'm not gonna

Merlinget old i'm not gonna become like that and each cut he's like wearing like different clothes and

Alexstuff like that have you seen that one oh maybe okay i'm gonna find it i'll find it for the show

Merlinum uh tiktok aging okay i just like mashups and mixes but you know what i think a big thing is also i think the this could be an instagram thing i don't know but the thing is i often when she shows me something. The aspects that I notice about it are, it's often, so unless it's doing a bit where it's a medium shot, there's a lot of very tight shots of people. That's one thing that seems like part of the aesthetic. The other thing is it's over music a lot of the time. The other thing is, would you call them stickers? A lot of times there's something for context,

I assume, on like a yellow sticker on the screen. And I think that's an aesthetic. I don't know if all of those things have been combined in other places, but that really feels like the table stakes in a way that 140 characters is part of Twitter almost. You know what I mean? It's like that part of the aesthetic of Twitter used to be like, what could you accomplish just knowing there's 140 characters? And it used to be time was, as you know, boy, people hated this. That could be text or it could be white space. And that could be part of the bit if you're me, but like that still fits in 140.

Now, of course, they've stopped that because we can't have nice things. But I don't know. I don't know enough to know. My kid spends a lot of time on TikTok.

AlexI don't know. I do not think it is a lowbrow medium in the slightest. But I've just been thinking a lot about the 73 folders type thing of the time and attention and wondering, is long form, this is so like a slate question. Is long form type media dying off?

And is that okay? Like, you know, we had the book panic because we wouldn't sit around and tell the stories and the TV movie panic and the TV panic. And each time every medium, well, obviously, hashtag, oh, please don't. I will have a privileged palace.

MerlinI'm going to go through. Just so you know, I will be going through Descript and I'm going to find every time that you said hashtag. and then you're gonna have to listen to it on the internet and people will comment and they'll get

Alexinto your dams oh i'm already in trouble because i said that i was excited for elliot page and i'm happy to i don't think that they need to recut juno anyway i i heard his uh partner's hot that's what i heard every time i i retweeted what is my favorite uh tweet in a while which is wait fuck what wait where'd it go where'd it go damn it damn it oh uh oh we will reveal a new trans celebrity every day until our demands are met

MerlinThat's so good. We have a lot of open parentheses.

AlexI know, that's okay. And it's going to frustrate me when I...

MerlinOh, so first of all, please, real quick, we've got a challenge. Our challenge is coming up. Oh, an hour? Fuck me gently.

AlexI know. Let's do Christmas.

MerlinHey, but I think the hammering stopped. That's good.

AlexGood. Hooray. Good. Good.

MerlinThis is always funny to me when this happens. I'm not bragging, but this is weird. Click on the link. The Peter Hughes.

AlexPeter Hughes.

MerlinPeter Hughes. Look at how handsome that guy is.

Alexindeed but this sure is an outfit from I'm going to say does it say like what it is I'm going to say this is a 2004

Merlinyeah it always says what the outfit's from on Wikipedia

Alex2007 I was five years off okay

Merlinwhat's 2007

Alexwhen this picture was taken

Merlinscroll down to external links

Alexare we I assume that I'm looking for a we're gonna command f this this buddy just scroll down to external lines number three oh there we go sorry i was looking at references oh that's how are you on your phone uh well i i'm

Merlini'm answer is either yes or no alex are you on your phone no okay you're on your are you on your ipad no are you on uh is this the year of linux on the desktop no this is this is me finally

Alexaccepting the natural scrolling that Apple has been doing for about a decade that I refuse to.

MerlinOh, you finally, wait, wait, wait. Okay, so you just switched. Oh, wow. I never thought I'd get used to it. And now it's one of those things where like it's like having to tell somebody what a key command for something is. Like somebody would be like, well, how do you use better touch tool? and I'm like, oh, I use it so that I can hit some set of keys and I make a four-key chord that I could not tell you right now. I think there's a command in there somewhere, but I couldn't tell you. Like there's a command and maybe an option. I can't remember if there's a function or a shift.

How would I even tell you? I cannot tell you which way I scroll. If I had to explain it to you, it would be like asking me about my tongue while I'm eating. It would be very confusing to me.

AlexYeah, I don't like it, but I can do it on my iPad, but not on... It's like a... I feel like my iMac Pro is a public bathroom. I can't scroll the correct way, but I can do it on my iPad because it's a personal device.

MerlinIs that a public bathroom? Oh, I see. You don't want to drop a duke at the mall.

AlexIt's a more intimate space in iPad.

MerlinI see. I can't wait to see what you do with it.

AlexChallenge! I think we can make this...

MerlinMust be Santa. Must be Santa. Santa Claus. who's got a beard that's long and white who's got a beard that's long and white oh how you doing there

AlexI should get my headband back on I can't find my juice where's my juice

Merlinhang on I'll be right back

AlexI don't know why it's so funny I don't know why, but it's so cute. It's just.

MerlinWhat kind of person mislays their saline solution?

AlexWell, me, because now I just get the head pads really wet and kind of just sprinkle salt over it. Wow. So it gets a little grainy. Eat them with a spoon.

MerlinThis is a somewhat poorly defined challenge for this week, but I don't know. I mean, I don't know what it's going to be exactly, but I'm kind of excited about it. My sense was we're going to talk about Christmas. And I think the notion was in particular to talk about Christmas traditions of your youth and your family and your current family and your future family and your second wife, all that kind of stuff. And we're going to talk about that. Everybody gets a practice wife and a regular wife.

AlexOh, gosh. Oh, man.

MerlinIf you're a wife guy, you know, you got to back into it.

AlexYou do. What is mine? Love is patient, love is kind You know what I mean?

MerlinAnd also with you What do you say now? You say, now instead You say high five, what do you say now?

AlexAnd with your spirit

MerlinOh, and great success, you say

AlexOh boy Well, I probably Anyway, tug-a-tug-a-tug-a We are running out of time

MerlinOh, but like all context, context, context, yellow sticker, yellow sticker is that, you know, I'm a little bit, you wouldn't know it to look at me, but I'm kind of a little bit excited about Christmas. We haven't got a tree yet. There was a medical thing that happened and we're dealing with things, but like we need to get a tree. Thank you. But, but I think this started because I know that you're excited. Well, I know that you like Christmas and I suspect you're excited about Christmas and I'm a little bit excited about Christmas. even though I shouldn't be.

I have a 13-year-old, you know, who's becoming increasingly goth, but still builds Lego with me.

AlexI still think that. Does she identify as goth? Does she say she's intentionally going down that tree?

MerlinShe has created a Hot Topic account. I encouraged her to make a Hot Topic account so that she could create a wish list. And we were having trouble getting the wish list shared. But so she, I will not, I would show you, I will not, I would request that you not discuss it with our audience.

AlexNo, no, I will not. But I need to see that list.

MerlinBut I would be happy. So she sent it to me. She said, there's a way to do this, but it's going to send it to you as a bunch of different links.

AlexI need, I need the list. Beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep on my phone.

MerlinAnd oh my God. Oh my God.

AlexWell, Amazon lists are broken now too. No, really? Well, this is kind of our thing because you know that I adore Christmas because I, as I quote Hank Green's book again and again, I had a very happy childhood, but I was not a particularly happy child. Oh, that's really good. Isn't that good?

MerlinThat's so good. So I know him. He's on the Internet. He and his brother are on the Internet. Yes. It's the brothers that Riley likes that are from Canada. that she gets to meet them in that episode. And The Fault in Our Stars is one of those guys, right?

AlexYes, they are. The Green Brothers. They seem nice. They, I have only met, I've worked with one of them more than I've worked with the other, but both of them have been always extremely, extremely kind.

MerlinSeem very down to earth.

AlexYes, they are. I have never met a more famous person who is.

MerlinI love people like that. Ken Jennings is like that. Ken Jennings is like that. I get the feeling that Ken Jennings in any situation would always be exactly the same way. There are people like that where it's just like, you know, go, you. You're all right.

AlexWell, and I'll get into it.

MerlinWe'll get to it.

AlexYeah, yeah.

MerlinThat should be a shirt. That should be a blank check shirt.

AlexWe'll get to it. After show. That should be a shirt. Sorry, I don't.

MerlinDid you listen to Starly Coyne on blank check?

Alexuh not not yet i listened to the most recent episode because um i really really did you do

Merlinit to yourself i really never let it cool never let that hot chocolate never let it never ever

Alexlet it cool i can't remember the last time i had a nightmare about the film polar express but that happened does that hobo come to you in the night do you get a night hobo god i know the thing is i i know that word is like problematic now but like when it's an actual fucking character who chooses to live on a train to attack small children i think it's okay we call him a hobo the name for that is a hobo i think that's okay like a you know a friend of the show

Merlinjohn hodgman covered this in his areas of my expertise book he's not talking about the homeless people he's talking about a the more of a john roderick style character who chooses to be out there and have the freedom of riding the rails you know on the big rock candy mountain which by the way is a song about pedophilia.

AlexDid you know that? No.

MerlinYou know the song, you've probably heard it in Oh Brother Where Art Thou.

AlexYes. It's a really good old classic

Merlinfolks on Vincoroc Candy Mountain. That song?

AlexWait, is this like a Puff the Magic Dragon situation in that it's really about...

MerlinNo, worse. Way worse. Way worse. That was not real,

AlexI think. Oh, oh.

MerlinWe gotta get to this. Christmas. Christmas is near.

AlexChristmas is near. Well, that's the thing is I... The gifts were never a thing with, you know, hashtag privilege. But like we. Oh, my God. I'm sorry. Jesus Christ.

MerlinYou can't stop now. It's like a tick.

AlexI can't stop. Can't stop. One stop.

MerlinFirst concert, best concert.

AlexSpice Girls.

MerlinSpice Girls.

AlexOh, worst concert. I thought it was first concert, best concert. Or did I just miss you? What did I say? I thought it was worst concert, best concert.

MerlinOh, sorry. I probably misspoke.

AlexYeah. Best concert actually changed to, oh, God, it's a tie between the Mountain Goats one where I told Maddie that I loved him for the first time and the Mountain Goats one I went to last year. And the, oh, my God. And no, wow, I don't know the best concert. No, I do. It was the three days. The time I saw Ludo four times in three days last year. Anyway, moving on.

I love Christmas.

MerlinI like it at the end of that. I think it's episode two. I like it at the end when we realize that every night he's been making the cookies himself.

AlexOh.

MerlinThat scene is like, and it just kind of goes by, but it's like, it makes it so powerful. And then, of course, now that's her, that is now Rebecca's Madeline. That is now her connection to the past are these cookies. And like she has, what's his name, Higgins, running around trying to find them. and all the ones that he brings her are not as good as the ones Ted is bringing. It's the ones that Ted's making her every night with love. And he gives it to her every morning and she's all like, I can't do this all the time. I'm a busy business lady. I got to go Google myself and my husband all day and then close the lid when somebody walks in.

I think that's Rebecca's job. Rebecca's job is she Googles herself and Rupert and then closes the lid fast when somebody walks in.

AlexWell, she is the kind of person who I think in the show does not have, see I'm circling back does not have the time she needs the lasso way she well she she doesn't have the bandwidth to shuck and jive where and play in the space where it's a lasso he is like I will be like yeah come to my space come to my space but unless it is harmful this is another thing I

Merlinrealized about the show that's really good Alex I didn't think you had that in you that was great You know what all she is? Shame.

AlexShame. Shame.

MerlinI had to tell Emma those aren't really her boobs. That's a body double.

AlexI loved that article about the body double.

MerlinIt's an amazing body double.

AlexWe're talking here about the Game of Thrones. I love the body double. I love Cersei. I just, oh, wow.

MerlinOh, my God. You got to see Dredd. You got to see Dredd. It's so good.

AlexI know, I know.

MerlinNow, be careful which Dredd you get. You don't want to judge Dredd with Sly Stallone unless that's the one you want. But you want the one with Carl Urban. You can't see his pretty face because he's got that mask on. It's got Carl Urban. It's got Cersei. And like I say, it's also got Bill Weasley and other people. It's a very good movie.

AlexIs this in your new... See, I know that your project is not complete yet, but is that part of the omnibus of media?

MerlinI don't know. I don't know exactly what you're referring to.

AlexYou should put it on.

MerlinOh, is this the... You're talking about the thing like the secret list?

AlexI didn't know there was a secret list, but...

MerlinOh, it's a secret list with my daughter and I share of the things we don't tell mom we watch.

AlexOh, oh, I mean, oh, yeah, that was, we had that list. It was mostly The Simpsons, but.

MerlinYeah, sure. That's wholesome. Yeah.

AlexWell, when you're five, I don't. No, no, no, no, totally.

MerlinI mean, the main thing is you have to steer clear of content. I mean, there's some kinds of things. And I've said this over and over again, you know, sexual assault and personal violence. Two things that are right out. Like, it's like people being menaced with a knife. Like, we can handle stormtroopers. She's seen so much Grey's Anatomy at this point. I don't, she, that show is so grisly. I keep thinking about George. It makes me sad.

AlexIn his uniform. Thank you for your service, George.

MerlinRemember what George, remember he saved the people, and then remember they couldn't even recognize him.

AlexAnd the bus.

MerlinThey didn't even know it was him.

AlexOh, 007. Remember that, remember George? 007.

MerlinHe got harassed. He got harassed by that man on the set.

AlexOh, oh, oh.

MerlinWhenever we see him, we say boo, that doctor. We say boo.

AlexI don't want to spoil it.

MerlinBut she's seen a lot of gore. What you don't want to do is you don't want to traumatize your kid.

AlexI mean, I asked you a question a long time ago because I kind of, I think, not judged you, but I was surprised when you had said, well, what you just said, but kind of a truncated version, which was we don't like to show her violence or any of the sexy times. And I'm like, well, why? Violence is way fucking worse. And my parents, like, always avoid, they were fine with the violence, but were like, oh, fast over, fast over the sex scenes.

MerlinWell, yeah, I mean, like, at a certain age, any kind of, again, I'm not talking about nudity. I'm talking about sex stuff.

AlexYes.

MerlinBut in particular, but, like, and I'm, boy, I'm failing to distinguish here or I'm misremembering. It's sexual, yeah, sexy stuff. Like, I don't know. I don't think she should see people boning down when she's six. Consider me a crazy nut. But it's sexual assault stuff. Anything with menacing another person, particularly a woman, I don't love that. And so as far as Omnibus, under that would also be like Kids in Danger. We don't like stuff with Kids in Danger. Even if like we were pretty sure they're going to be okay. But like, you know, like that episode of SVU, like where the girl has to talk, Olivia, Olivia.

Like we're not going to watch that for a while.

AlexYeah. Well, but I think that's such an important distinction. and and also i think this was like four years ago that i i asked you this question because it it really did bother me a little bit but you were like well no i don't want her to have any expectation of what these experiences are because and like it wasn't that's pretty good yeah that was that was well no and i'm like oh holy shit like and that's yeah well because i grew up i grew up watching

Merlinzz top videos and look at me now just look at me now the results have been incredible Every woman I know has to wear lingerie And high heels and walk in slow motion

AlexOh god, I'm so happy

MerlinDon't you think though, don't you think that I don't want to get into all your terminology That's au courant There was a lot of Well, you know, kind of Cis heteronormative, whatever the fuck But the constant Rat-a-tat of A certain kind of imagery Especially in the 1980s I'm happy to argue with somebody About whether Were the 80s different Well, the 80s were different, not least because of things. There's this whole, I could do an hour on this. Things like the rating system and people realizing how you could game the rating system.

So you knew what you'd get away with. Like today, there's this understanding that you get one F word in a PG-13 movie and stuff like that. But like you had to have boobs and weird sex in every movie. And like there's so many movies where you go back and you're like, wow, that really clangs wrong. Like there's something about this scene that seems very, to use the word that they used even at the time, gratuitous. But what was gratuitous? Gratuitous was like every fucking movie, so many movies at least, like especially movies for young people in the 80s,

after we'd gone through the period of everybody who has intercourse gets hacked up. Ghostbusters BJ, I don't know why he left it in, but I guess he couldn't kill his darling. No, but think about how many, well, you wouldn't know this, but so many of those movies are basically about either sexual assault or are about a guy scheming to trick a girl into doing something with his penis. And then really, almost as importantly, then him being able to brag about it.

AlexYeah, or ha-ha-ha, look what I did. Yeah, exactly.

MerlinOh, it's just like humor. It's, you know, Anthony Michael Hall's just holding up panties. But like all those things, I mean, I'm trying to avoid saying the video game, violent video games cause murder thing because I'm not trying to say that. But I do know that you can only shit what you've eaten.

AlexYeah.

MerlinAnd so I think that if your steady diet is of that kind of material, you don't even have to be even a strong person can start to think that that's what sex means. but sex means i pursue someone as though like i'm the fox and and they're the rabbit and then i skin them and hold it up and everyone cheers yeah and i could care less how she feels about it yeah but

Alexbut and also the lack of uh just just a woman's side of the experience like famously even just like uh oh what what year oh it was 2010 uh which is forever ago but doesn't really feel like oh 20 2011. Have you seen the movie Blue Valentine? It has Ryan Gosling and Michelle Williams.

MerlinI haven't because my wife said it's really good, but very sad.

AlexIt is one of the saddest movies I've ever seen.

MerlinShe said it's very, very sad. And I bought it and I still haven't watched it because I love Ryan Gosling Goatman. I do. I do love him. But yeah, I yeah, it well.

Alexand it was rated NC-17 initially. And it's because...

MerlinBecause there's a woman enjoying sex in it.

AlexYep. And it is...

MerlinAll queers must die.

AlexAll the gays die.

MerlinNo queer can be happy in a movie.

AlexAnd the ladies can't come.

MerlinNo woman may enjoy the intercourse.

AlexYeah, no. They can only come on Christmas. That's my one day of the year.

MerlinOh, whoa! Christmas is coming soon. Christmas is gonna finish. Get out of his way.

AlexI think that's a good, good, good place to stop and we can do some more Christmas or we can keep on going. It is up to you. You know what?

MerlinLet's do, you know, just so we don't we didn't, you know, Christmas tease our audience. Yeah.

AlexOkay. No, let's. I would love to do a quick, quick Christmas quickie. I'm sorry.

MerlinI'm uncomfortable. I'm really uncomfortable with the energy in the room right now.

AlexI'm sorry. Hey, listeners, I guess you're still here. Hi. I'll just, I'll just say I love, love, love Christmas because.

MerlinWhat do you love about Christmas, Alex?

AlexIt was, again, like the hashtag privilege presents. Oh my fucking God. Hey, it was also, it's also the one time of year that my family, no, it wasn't the one time of year. My family, often the entire extended family, which usually extends to more than 50 people. So we will not be doing that this year, even at our farm, because we just literally can't.

MerlinAll the people, all the people you're doing it for are the most at danger. You know what I mean? Like, you say, oh, you know, who knows how many more Christmases grandma has. but like you know but like yeah everybody goes and breathes on her to make her happy and then like

Alexanyway i don't want to be you know morose no i think it's really important that we

Merlintalk about it it's important to talk about that you're not doing them any favors dude

Alexwell and i think uh you know our friend marco arment on atp the you know the big boy fancy tech podcast talked about how he got covid and he was extremely careful and like followed all

Merlinthe guidelines above everything else he was ashamed i think above everything else he was ashamed because he thought he was doing his best at it we can't and then he got one past the goalie it's like that's how it happens no no i'm not yelling at marco here i'm yelling at all the other people who contravening all sensible things like how is rudy giuliani still walking around i mean is he a witch he could be a witch he kind of looks like a witch with peter teal and he's got a blood boy he's got a blood boy take out the blood plug but i mean that's well and and

Alexthat's the thing too is my uh my dad and and my brother you know they they work for uh cox porky and they luckily they were able in early march able to to shut uh down for a few weeks and so they had a couple cases but like you know uh they're they're a small business they're not

Merlinpurdue oh that never crossed my mind because one of the early vectors was like the chicken

Alexplants and stuff like that right yeah yeah and it's in meat packing plants that was one of the big surges in like what i want to say wisconsin or yeah and i i didn't want to uh i thought maybe i didn't share this with you but it was really like it was real bad for for a while um and but because they were a small business they and uh hopefully um even though i've maybe referred to them as the bad guys in the novel the jungle but they they were able to be like okay everybody like all right no everybody go fuck home uh no one's gonna buy stuff anyway but then

And luckily now they're able to another humble brag for hashtag privilege. Like they're able to actually.

MerlinOh, my God. Talk about Christmas and never say that again.

AlexOK, well, any anyway. So but my grandma and grandpa who owned this business were before they had gone to Florida for the I don't know, they left in in what's February. And they're like, yeah. And my grandma had already decorated the house for Christmas because, you know, Trump said the vaccine was going to come by the end of the year. And she's like, nope, nope, nope. It's a very short period of time. And I in the after show, I just last week we talked about, you know, my grandma and how I really was heartbroken by some of her decisions in the past.

But even she was like, oh, nope, fuck Thanksgiving. Stay in here. Oh, nope. Fuck Christmas. Like it's, it's breaking her heart, but she wants to be there for, uh, I, did she really

Merlinsay it like that?

AlexNo, it's actually, it is actually like kind of, kind of breaking her heart, but like she is, I was like, grandma did it.

MerlinShe was country strong. You're telling me that my 91 year old mother broke my Sony video camera. You sure you and John weren't just fucking around with it? Nope.

AlexGrandma did it.

MerlinShe was country strong.

AlexI thought that I would be sad, but there was, I just, such a wave of relief.

MerlinDidn't you say, I'm just, I'm having so much trouble for figuring out what this has to do with Christmas, but I feel like you stipulated a while back that at first you were mad that they went to Florida for COVID and then you were actually relieved, right?

AlexWas that right? Yes, because they traveled what I thought was a little bit too late, but you, I mean, on this podcast in February, we're like, everybody stay home. But, you know, they they they have stayed there. Normally they, you know, they're the Florida people who come back and, you know, they come back for Christmas and then go back to where the warm boomers live. But I thought it'd be really, really sad this Christmas because I'm not going to be seeing my family.

But the wave of relief I felt was shocking. Like it was I'm not as familiar with drugs as Mr. Roderick is on Roderick on the line, but I have not felt that good like in a long while. And she's like, I'm sorry, Alex. We're just not doing Christmas. And I tried not to share my glee.

MerlinRight. You know, it's one of those things where like like in a lot of relationships, you have to be careful to meter your response to something because it could be either misread or read.

AlexYeah.

MerlinIn that case, you go, fuck yeah, I want to see you at Christmas.

AlexAnd just hearing, like, I just, I want to, I want to have more Christmases with you. And I was, I was like, oh, fuck, like, thank God that, like, my family hasn't gone full QAnon. And maybe, and now maybe I will be able to at least see my siblings from a distance, like, across the yard, which makes me very happy. because i live like 20 minutes from my parents but even that i haven't seen them uh oh wow since

march no i oh oh wow yeah that sucks um but i geez that's crazy i got super like it's not yeah honestly yeah it is because um we are all uh we're we're close and weird um but uh this this is i would you know what this probably sounds stupid and and i do not care but it feels like my family's like hardcore Christmas spiriting of like, no, we are going to make this as happy as possible,

especially with the, one of my brothers got married this year. Don't be creepy. And my niece was born, which was, you know, one of the happiest days of my life. And it sucks that like, I don't know, but I am so conflicted about this because Maddie and I are making like our own Christmas traditions. And for the first time, literally in my entire life, I will not be spending Christmas Eve

at my like sleeping over at my parents' house. And I don't know, I thought I'd be much more bummed. But there's this thing of like, oh, at least my family is take is still taking this seriously enough that they care about not just us but the other people they interact with and have to interact yes yes that's that seems to be it's fucking christmas spirit and yeah it's the well

Merlini mean it is it's the ultimate christmas spirit i mean uh i'm gonna finish but like it's frustrating to me i i know this is just a pipe dream of of the uh of the corrupt left but like it's one thing like i mean you can't get people you can't get people to protect themselves if you so if you You can't get people to protect themselves. You can't get them to, like, protect the people around them that they live with. You can't get them to protect the people then, by extension, that they work with or come in contact with. But, like, you know, and I think most of the people I know are very much at least that far along.

Or, here's the other problem. It's people that think they're doing a good job.

AlexOoh.

MerlinThat's the classic, like, mask under the nose people. I wear a mask all the time. It's really annoying. Yeah, but it's not, you're not covering your face, you fucking idiot. But like the part, the part that we're like, you know, I think arguably Asia and Europe are not arguably inarguably that they're way better at is no, this is what we do. Like the thing is, OK, I may not throw garbage on my own floor because I want to keep my house nice and not have garbage on the floor. I also don't throw garbage on the ground in my neighborhood because I want my neighborhood to stay nice. But like, how do you become the sort of person?

How do you become sort of American that says, no, I don't throw trash on the ground at all. because it's not about me. It's not about the ground. It's not about the trash. It's about everybody else. Nobody should have to deal with my trash. So I don't throw it on the ground. So the point I'm trying to make here very poorly is that, like, yeah, I don't throw trash on the ground for me. But I also, I don't throw trash on the ground because it's wrong and because I care about strangers not having to deal with it. Can you even imagine asking most Americans to think about it that way today

to protect people you don't know?

AlexWell, I that's the other thing is if we were going to turn anything into a terrorist, it should have been easier to turn a literal virus into like, oh, that's what like, how did we should at least make it take off its shoes? yeah i i it's i it's been it's been beaten to death but yeah i i don't know like i it this reminds me actually of something that they um sorry they being um the folks who host maintenance

phase which is kind of a spin-off of you're wrong about but the oh yeah yeah yeah with the lady yeah Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And she's like. Yeah, she and I feel bad that I don't remember her name, but she goes by your fat friend on Twitter. So she's funny. She's funny and fast. She is. And her her new book is all about, you know, how fat people are treated in America. And she straight out says, look, this is not a book about you being like an individual.

This is not a feel good, like love your body book. This is just about the systematic problems of how we treat people. And yeah, it really sucks when I'm on an airplane and people are terrible to me. and someone yells at me.

MerlinThat's such a good distinction. It's like the difference between, oh gosh, you should write a cookbook about being a child in a cage. It's like, what? Why? It's like, oh, something that would really help people. It's like, what would help people is not having kids in cages.

AlexYeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

MerlinAnd I feel like this is such a black lady thing. is like, you know, stop trying to dictate, stop trying to dictate a way for me to behave that'll make you comfortable.

AlexYeah, yeah. Like, it's, oh, oh, oh, oh, God. Christmas.

MerlinWhat about Christmas?

AlexWe gotta bounce. Christmas, I.

MerlinChristmas is a time to say I love you. You know, you spread the joy, the laughter, the tears.

AlexChristmas, it's time to say I love you. You spread it all for all the year. Spread it around, the whole spread. Yeah, and it's the one time I can listen to Zooey Deschanel sing that I don't get mad at her for breaking up.

MerlinWhy does it always have to get nasty with you?

AlexIt's always got to get nasty. I know, I just—

MerlinCan't you just celebrate the joy of the season?

AlexI try. And we have so many smart scenes in our apartment now that make—for various Christmas movies, we have just different Christmas lights from both the tree and our hue bulbs.

MerlinI didn't think you could get any more games.

AlexOh, it gets, oh, it's, oh boy.

MerlinIt depends on the Hallmark movie, but they all have a rainbow.

AlexOh boy.

MerlinDo we do enough Christmas for that to be okay?

AlexYou know what? Real quick, bonus lightning round. Normally this would be in the after show. You have.

MerlinSo we're still doing it.

AlexMain main main show. Real quick. Why? I was just going to say also Christmas is a time where you're you don't need to eat a particular kind of food because Thanksgiving is my least favorite holiday. Not just because it's like, you know, hashtag problematic, but because it there's so many foods.

MerlinMandatory gustatory joy.

AlexSo many foods. Eat this. Eat me. Eat me.

Merlinso that means you can just have paper in a bowl

Alexlike whenever you feel like it I'm like oh yeah I love it and then you know you cut up your food to make it look like you've eaten it but really you haven't oh that sounds very ordered but you you scooted around on your plate

Merlinlike Diana eating with Camilla

Alexoh yeah oh gosh oh gosh Jasbrake you said that you are really excited for Christmas. Why are you excited for Christmas in, uh, you know, now more than ever? I don't,

MerlinI, you know, I don't, I don't know. I mean, I, it's usually pretty fun. I'm, I'm, it's weird. I have this strange regret of like all the things that I'm using, not all the things, but several of the things I'm famously and historically a little bit grouchy about. Uh, I, I find myself craving now. Like I, I, I feel like I was just about to get good at, um, what's the opposite of business? Personal travel. Like family travel. I was just on the cusp of getting good at it. And not simply that I had all my tech lined up,

had separate sets of everything. I was also, it was also, and yeah, I mean, part of it was like the bridge from total anxiety about travel to less anxiety included a lot of stop-offs in OCD land,

which is one of everybody's least favorite Disney park. But like that's, but like having things like my lists and the tech, that'll help. But like it also then got to like, I mean, something I had to realize about myself and I've said this before, but I've always been really bad at getting into things like getting into vacation, getting into the holidays. And, you know, shame and loss aversion are have been a lot of like the definition of my life. And so I have in some cases my goal over the last 10 years basically is to take fewer days to get into whatever the thing is, especially a vacation.

because there was a time when I could, here's the formula for me and vacation, the number of days, let's say the number of nights that we are out of town minus one, that's how long it took. It usually was the last or the penultimate day of a trip when I would be like, oh, I'm having fun now because I got used to the routine, the anxiety shed. I hadn't died. Nothing happened. I understood like where the bathroom was, like all of those things. My point being that like that, and again, this sounds like something that my friend John Syracuse is good at.

Like he makes a point of saying, no, I'm great at vacations. I'd sleep all the time. I have no problem at all walking away from work, which I think is actually super cool.

AlexHe's just, I don't under, okay, sorry.

MerlinLayers of an onion, layers of an onion. But my point being that I'm not ashamed. I'm a little bit regretful at this point. It's going to make me sad. But there's a lot of stuff that my kid didn't get. Not like materially, she's good materially. But like every kid, like she's got a big hole in her life for the last little while. So like that means like we didn't get to have normal. I mean, and again, I feel like people want to make this about, as you say, privilege or about. But like it's just more like there's all kinds of like the marking of time that would be really valuable to a 12 or 13 year old.

I feel like from my point of view, there's a lot she's been denied that I think she's doing well considering. But a lot of kids feel extremely unmoored right now. Um, and there's a lot of anxiety going around and there's a lot, there's a lot of just terribleness. And I'm not saying like, there's all these things that just like, we would have been cool to get to do. And, and, and everybody wants to always give the like, oh yeah, you get to see grandma and stuff like that. Yes, absolutely. We want to see grandma. Absolutely. We miss seeing Auntie Susie for sure. I'm not mad that she threw my glasses.

Um, but like we, yeah, we do miss all of that, but it's also just all the, all the dumb shit of like, we can't go walk to the library and pick up our books. Like that's, there's all these little, like these journeys and things that we have always done. And it's, it's, it's such a joy to watch your kid get older alongside the sort of melancholy of them getting older. But it's, it's really nice to get to do stuff you've done their whole life, but you do it different. And every few months it's different again.

and it's just hard that we haven't had a lot of that for a while and we've both been denied that chance to grow a little bit. So that sucks. But anyway, so I'm trying to disappear into Christmas this year and get excited about it and shed the things that I usually find difficult about getting into something. I'm sorry about that.

AlexWhy? No.

MerlinWell, I don't mean to be this way.

AlexCringe, as I would say. I just feel terrible for her.

MerlinI really wish she got to be a normal teenager right now. She's so cool. She could be having such a good time. But, I mean, her entire life is mitigated. It comes through a screen now, for better or for worse. I mean, that's her friends. That's her school. That's her entertainment. I mean, what's not a screen right now? And I love screens, but, like, you know, you can't cuddle with a TV.

AlexYeah, I mean, there's another, it was a funny tweet, but it's like, oh, yeah, this weekend I get to stop looking at my medium screen and reward myself by looking at my giant screen and my very small screen.

MerlinPlaying with my tiny screen while I watch my giant screen. Yeah, I was telling Madeline, you know, I've been, there's just been, there's been times periodically lately that I've been feeling really burnt out, like everybody. But, you know, just kind of saying, like, I'm sorry if I'm crabby today or something. I'm just really burnt out on a lot of stuff right now. And she's like, why don't you take a week off? And I was like, yeah, but do what?

AlexYeah.

MerlinI mean, first of all, the job I have is not difficult. It's the rally-like nature of what I do. Well, no, no, no, no. But it's not as Gruber likes to say. You don't get iron lung from typing. No, but it's more just to say, and do what? Which gets to the other part, which is like, God, how ironic is it? It's a regular Harry Chapin type situation. I'd kill to be able to go somewhere for a weekend with, with the three of us or by myself or go see auntie Susie. Not that I'm angry. Like I, I, all of those things I would love to do all the, I would love to have the inconvenience

of traveling a little bit right now, just getting in the car and going somewhere. I don't think it's, I don't think it's safe. I don't think it's wholesome and I don't think it's healthy and I don't think it models well. It sucks. And so like, we're just, we're just keep fucking chugging along and doing the best we can. Um, and like so far all of that effort and all of that frustration and all of that, to be honest, you know, at least inconvenience. Well, there's still people in their little parklets outside just roaring with laughter

and enjoying their beers. And it's like, you fucking people. I don't want, I'm not saying it's all on those people. I'm not saying it's all on anybody, but Jesus fuck, man. It's just, it's how, is this going to be like the end of like the world's end? Is this going to be something where like I'm walking around wearing lenses from two different pairs of glasses because we never figured out how to how to dick this situation it's really frustrating to me so i'm excited about christmas merry christmas go to give us your fucking money

Alexdot com and then we'll cheer you up bye everybody

Show notes

Transcript

215. The Royal You

Show notes

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