209. Sympathy Dick

AlexThis is Do By Friday, a weekly challenge podcast. This week's challenge, put something up your nose.

I wondered what would happen if I if I tried that. And now I know.

MerlinI don't know if this is the show, but I'm just this is the show. Huh? What?

AlexCan you hear me? Can you hear me? Sorry, I'm late. Yeah, I can hear you. All right, all right, all right.

MerlinYou're stepping on my bit. You're doing bits on my bit, and I don't like bits, okay?

AlexI don't have a bit. In fact, I've come up with sort of...

MerlinYou just did like three bits, Alex.

AlexNo, okay. All right, all right. Name one other than the referencing of being late.

MerlinWell, I think you just did a fifth bit, because I'm trying to get you to stop doing the bit, because headline, The Guardian, and Rudy Giuliani faces questions after a compromising scene in new Borat film.

AlexWhat?

MerlinLet's jump straight down here. Okay. No, no, no. Okay, hang on. Calm down. The reputation of Rudy Giuliani. This is not a big deal. Just listen. You're not in trouble. The reputation of Rudy Giuliani could be set for a further blow with the release of highly embarrassing footage in Sacha Baron Cohen's follow-up to Borat. In the film, released on Friday, the former New York mayor and current personal attorney to Donald Trump is seen reaching into his trousers and apparently touching his genitals while reclining on a bed in the presence of the actor playing Borat's daughter.

AlexOh my God. Why is it so hard? What is it? Wait, wait. Every, not just, I know what I said there.

MerlinI thought it was just their side and now we're cold tubing.

AlexI just, would you like to say what's going on with our former friend of the show? Mr. Tubin?

MerlinNo, I don't. I think we've had our fun with that one.

AlexBut, okay, no. It's not fun. No fun. Because why? Why is it so hard? Seriously. Like, I just don't understand.

MerlinOh, you're preaching to the choir, Alex. I mean, this is why I'm saying the no libido lifestyle is very wholesome. It's really nice. Okay, okay. Why is my wheel not working? I can't scroll. What have you done, Guardian?

AlexUh-oh.

MerlinOh, dear. Oh, well, okay. I guess we should start the show. I can't scroll. Can you get to it? I can't scroll.

AlexCan I scroll to... Where am I scrolling? I see...

MerlinI need a reading series because my mouse isn't... My mouse is working, but I can't scroll. Have I been scroll jacked? What's happening?

AlexAre you swiping or are you scrolling? We're in different times these days. oh oh there's analog stuff going on oh my goodness all right i mean i have i have i might as well be a gamer my mouse is so good and with your twisty knob um i mean everyone's twisted in their knobs these days uh but should i just start from the beginning with uh this one oh hang on let me go

Merlinget a different mouse let's see if i can trade out hang on

AlexRudy Giuliani faces questions after compromising scene in new Borat film. That headline is just something I never thought I'd see. It's a it's a it's from 2008. This is what I was I was talking to our lovely listeners and just this headline Rudy Giuliani faces questions after compromising scene in new Borat film. is like a headline out of 2008.

I had no idea that either of these people would still be relevant. I mean.

MerlinOh, I see what you're saying. Yeah.

AlexGood on Sacha Baron Cohen. Like, seems like a wonderful performer. You ever heard him speak?

MerlinYou ever heard him speak? Yes.

AlexI've been very moved.

MerlinDid you hear his Jewish talk?

AlexYes. Yes. Yes.

MerlinHe was good. He got real.

AlexHe got a little bit real.

MerlinI thought it was nice.

Alexand no he's he seems on by all accounts of a very nice man who when he takes his penis out everybody knows it's gonna happen and whoa whoa you're talking about sasha baron cohen well like the character of borat like his penis happens a lot but it's never a surprise oh i see

Merlinyou mean he gives like a warning shot it's an american tradition you give a warning shot okay

Alexwhen you're when you're wearing a banana hammock it's kind of like okay this is a big old like it's it's you might as well have uh be like wearing a yellow card right away you know i think

Merlinalso i think he's he suffers a little bit i don't want to get too far into this but i think he suffers a little bit from that um uh gary newman problem or that jenna moroney and blackface problem which is like no this is this is a character and this is a bit when he says throw the jew down the well it's important to understand that he's very Jewish.

Speaker AYou know?

MerlinI still am so mad about the Jenna Maroney thing because like, yeah, blackface sucks. Don't do that. But, you know, Jenna Maroney being in blackface, it's so pitch perfect. That character is so thirsty and so stupid. She would totally do something like that. She hates babies because they get more attention than her.

Speaker AOh.

MerlinI got down to the second paragraph. I don't know why the Guardian will not let me scroll. So America's mayor, allegedly in the game, is reclining on a bed in the presence of the actor playing Borat's daughter who is posing as a TV journalist.

AlexOh, my God.

MerlinCan you pick it up from here?

AlexHold on. I'm doing mayor. Following an obsequious interview? Are you on an iPad right now? No. Okay. Okay. Hold on. Following an obsequious interview. calm down uh interview for a fake interview for a fake conservative news program the pair retreat and her suggestion for a drink to the bedroom of a hotel suite which is rigged with concealed cameras oh god no no no what are you doing okay um after she removes his microphone giuliani said he's only 76 years old oh he

needs to use some moisturizer he looks like a ringwraith sorry goodness and i'm not trying to be ageist i'm trying to be like no no if we're gonna be ages we should talk about mitch mcconnell's very upsetting hands yeah yeah oh god like i did you see the hands today is no but i have in the

Merlinpast is there a new hand pick oh sorry i'll save it for the show go ahead all right all right um

Alexafter she removes his microphone uh giuliani can be seen lying back on the bed fiddling with his untucked shirt and reaching into his trousers. They are then interrupted by Borat, who runs in and says, she's 15! She's too old for you!

MerlinKing in the castle.

Speaker AOh, boy.

AlexOh, shit.

MerlinOkay, this is probably no big deal. This is probably no big deal.

AlexI mean, it's fine, but it is very entertaining. I mean, much like I would hope that the what were they called? The bombshell emails from Hunter Biden are also not a big deal in which I was like, wow, this this dude fucks like he's a lot cooler than his dad. And hopefully that does not influence. I don't know.

MerlinI've opened this in Firefox, which enables me to get down to this paragraph. Word of the incident first emerged on 7 July when Giuliani called New York police to report the intrusion of an unusually dressed man. I'm not going to do a voice. Quoting, this guy comes running in wearing a crazy, what I would say was a pink transgender outfit title. Giuliani told the New York Post, it was a pink bikini with lace underneath a translucent mesh top. It looked absurd. He had the beard, bare legs, and wasn't what I would call distractingly attractive.

this person comes in yelling and screaming I thought this must be a scam or a shakedown

Alexyes yes it was

Merlinto the police and then he ran away oh my goodness

Alexoh theaters will open for Tenet but not for this come up

MerlinI think it's just going to be on the Amazon right

Alexoh is fuck is this a big

MerlinI think it's an Amazon movie but I'm not sure

Alexman I just it it is great to be on twitter until you're not on twitter and then you you miss all the fun things

Merlinall right oh no this is just because i i i i'm sorry for being late i i needed five minutes uh because i had to i had a bio break and and then i was waiting because then you weren't there and so i was just reading the internet you were six minutes late to my five minutes late you know

Alexwhat i have the time stamps i have do i do i sound scared because that would be a misapprehension

Merlinon your part why don't you go ahead and look at your precious time stamps and gain some knowledge

Alexuh uh i actually don't 26 hold on skype skype oh no oh there's no emails on the laptop

Merlinthat alex said there were uh-oh you just got pwned Oh, my goodness. It's all too much. So apparently the story was first. Okay, so should we? Why are we talking about Jeffrey Toobin? What happened was, what happened was,

and I was informed by a member of my family that this guy's always been a shit heel. I did not know this. I've always enjoyed his commentary on CNN, And I think he always seemed like a smart guy. But, you know, I didn't know that he was kind of a bad actor that he got his colleague's daughter pregnant. Yeah. Is that right? Yeah. Was that what happened?

AlexThat is what I understood it as to get an abortion and then do some post hoc family planning. Yeah, exactly. Yeah. Yep. Yep. I'm surprised you didn't know. Well, I know that you're not on the journalist whipping out their dicks beat, but now I need to be on the former mayor's whipping out their dicks beat. So I guess.

MerlinOh, well, OK. So what had happened was, and the thing is, you know, this is, as they say, a phrase I still don't understand. And I've tried the exception that proves the rule. Like, you know, we got a Slack channel about basically, you know, I go to it for high quality content on people who are sweaty, horny, thirsty, usually Republicans. Let's be honest. It started because of Reverend Volwell. Thank you, Todd. And so the thing is, Jeffrey Toobin is a guy. Everybody knows this, right? Jeffrey Toobin is a legal analyst for CNN.

He's written lots of books.

AlexHe's a talking head on CNN.

MerlinWell, he's their senior legal analyst.

AlexI don't think many people have read his books.

MerlinOkay, okay, okay, Professor Timestamp. Do you want to go look up the sales on his OJ book? I can wait.

AlexNo, no, no. I understand.

MerlinWhy do you say things that you don't know? Why do you, why do you, then you say something, something boomer and act like that's an insight. What are you doing? What is, what is, what is your plan for this?

AlexI don't, I would like you to give more context because I don't think people know him as the famous crime writer. Like, I don't think, I don't think most people have read the, the, the people versus OJ Simpson. Like, I think current people know him as.

MerlinOh, I'm sorry. You want me to use more jargon? Okay. Sorry. he's a boomer who's a talking head oh he wrote a lot of books that one of which i really enjoyed any and anyway go go on to his penis so the other day um a story uh came up excuse me popped up are we just not doing phrasing anymore uh a story came up on vice that said so i think the it started with well it's my understanding according to the writer of the article that something was up with their cms i don't think this was anything squirrely but first a story goes up and you know i do get

this with like with our local paper the chronicle they do this bullshit where they'll post a story they'll have four or five original stories on their quote-unquote home page plus a lot of like ap or like whatever stuff and they keep updating the time stamp on it like it's new i hate that

Alexoh yeah it's super gross well if you got a blog you would never do that oh anyways um so the story

Merlincame up and i'm not gonna look it up right now um but it was something to the effect of that uh that jeffrey toobin had been suspended i believe by the new yorker where he is a writer and has one of those cool little uh drawings of himself and that he was taking time off from cnn and why is all this happening? Because originally they described it as he had exposed himself on a Zoom call, not knowing, there's a little business here, but they've been doing a,

I don't understand this, they're doing an election simulation, I guess, getting ready for election night, something like that. There were breakout groups. He didn't know his video was still on and apparently someone saw his wiener. Then the Vice story was updated with a little bit more spin on the ball. Do you remember what the update was?

AlexHe was jerking it so right. Yeah, he was jacking his hog.

MerlinBut like in a one-on-one sesh, was he doing like a fans only with somebody? They said it seemed like he was on a different Zoom call at first, right? Yep. That sucks.

AlexYeah. It sucks

Merlinfor everybody. I mean, I'm sorry. If somebody gets does the kind of thing that, you know, what was our joke on here for two years? Watch out for live photos or you accidentally photograph your balls. I like my genitals. I would rather not have them be something I showed on my colleagues. You know what I mean? And then having the people who got to see that? I don't want to see that.

AlexWell, I mean, I think the moral of this story is be extra careful with your time theft these days because, you know, you just go to the wrong tab.

MerlinOh, because of the nature of the Panopticon Somebody's always watching, is that it?

AlexYeah, well no You just pop into the wrong software And then your pop-outs all popped out And then, you know You gotta pop the socket And it's just not a good time for anybody

MerlinMag safe, not mag safe for work

AlexNo That didn't deserve it

MerlinYou laughed Did you find the time stamp, by the way?

AlexOh, do you want, okay, hold on Alright, alright

Merlinlet's go to saved calls at this point at this point at the beginning of the third act of this

Alexparticular mystery play i will reveal that i also have time stamps so okay so 11 20 20 20 10 21 what number was that 11 did you just say 11 20 20 20 21 no no no no okay my according to my ecam call recorder call that we had that was before the show you called me and this was at 11 28 a.m that's right correct and you said 11 20 yes and then you were here uh eight minutes later but

no but you start the calls i had texted what had happened was you know i i'm sympathetic because

Merlinyou know the heart wants what it wants and sometimes it really just wants to talk to a lady while you're doing a breakout session where you play the supreme court if you know what i mean

Alexthe other really shitty bit though is i have a feeling that maybe you were maybe you were alluding to this before but i think vice knew right away that it like he was jacking off in front of his colleagues accidentally and but they wanted to perpetuate that news cycle through the whole day And I'm like, that doesn't help anybody.

MerlinWell, OK, could be, could be. And I wouldn't rule out something like, you know, they're doing the HuffPost, you know, A-B testing stuff. But no, what had happened was that the story went up and then there was an update not long after that. There was a lot more detail and a very different headline that included details of people who, you know, had seen Exhibit A.

Exhibit D. Is Exhibit D funnier or is Exhibit A funnier? He's a legal analyst, to be honest.

AlexExhibit D. I'm going to fix this in post. D.

MerlinD is D. D. Okay. You only get that from sunshine and milk. I call it vitamin D. And how did Nutria get in here? But then it got updated with all this new information, and then suddenly everybody's like, oh, my God, it's worse than we thought, and they're sharing that with friends. And then a bunch of people, including you, went to the site, and you people started getting a different version of the article the old version and you could you could not i even gave you suggestions on flushing your cache if you forgive my saying um but uh i

Alexthink it was a goof up with probably like a cdn or something it was really weird because i i well i i was on my phone went in uh got got follow-up firefox is my default browser on my phone now and it was just like okay i have seen this refresh refresh refresh and then i open it in safari and oh look yeah there there's the fun story about how uh you know what is with the debate prep and like why can't debate prep be a normal boring high school routine that just happens wait wait a

MerlinWhich part was the debate prep? Where everybody got sick?

AlexYeah, it feels like there's always a scandal in debate prep, both in real life and on TV. It's so weird.

MerlinThis is a CNN and WNYC joint, I believe. There were people from I don't think this is debate related. Unless I'm missing something.

AlexI could be wrong.

MerlinThey're preparing for election night. He played the courts.

AlexOkay, that's right. You know what I mean. Yep.

MerlinYeah, called mens reis. That's men's right to have periods. Kyrie eleison, it's also known as.

AlexDid you know sympathy cramps are a thing?

MerlinThat sounds like an English punk band.

AlexYep.

MerlinOh, you mean a partner feels cramps on behalf of cramper?

AlexYeah, I did not know that. Like when you're or or just somebody it's at first I was like, is this sort of like a moon cycle? Everybody syncs up type thing. But no, it's like a fuck. What's a smart person just told me what this was. What's the sympathy pregnancy shit? But did you ever get that?

MerlinNo, I'm I'm trying to think of like specific physical things. things, but the kind of thing where, so what you're saying here is somebody who's not having a period.

AlexAnd your partner or close friend is having a period, their period.

MerlinOkay. But just to be clear, just to be, I'm sorry, I'm asking a dumb question. Is it, and it's not, the other person is not a person having a period. It doesn't even have to be a woman.

AlexCorrect. Yep.

MerlinIt could be a child. It could be a child.

AlexYes.

MerlinA child could have a sympathy. Oh, well, I don't, well, I get the sympathy when you know the person is cramping or do

Alexyou sense it in like a uh in a Jean Grey sense uh I don't I'm not familiar enough with Ms. Grey

Merlinbut I bet she could feel a period no I'm sorry the bits have left the room do you do somebody goes oh I got cramps and then you ah no I got them too or do you just like pick it up

Alexapparently again it's like it's like the sympathy pregnancy stuff it's who who knows like you it could be that you haven't told anybody that uh like like uh let's say this actually didn't happen with maddie and i but let's say i was like oh man my my uterine cramps they're just off the wall today and he'd be like oh that sucks sorry and then later be like oh no i i have cramps too and you could be like all right that's uh some like psychosomatic type stuff

totally like reasonable but no there are partners men women trans cis who just can like sense when that's so interesting isn't it fucking weird no it's not oh it's creepy it's creepy i don't i'll

Merlinbe the dumb guy for a minute here think about how emotions work like you don't have to have somebody tell you that they had a terrible day for you to realize that they're not in a good place and then if you love and care about that person, you may feel something very similar. I mean, emotions are very, you know, mimetic in that way, or you pass them along virally, I guess. It's just interesting that you could pick that. Are you having a hard one right now? Be honest. No. Oh, no. I just was

Alexwondering, I think of in the back of my mind, I was thinking, why can't we have like sympathy dick? And I like, I wish I could. I'm listening to this. I don't hate it. Tell me, tell me, tell me how sympathy dick works well let's say i just knew that let you say something uh like i am taking a bio break now i would i would assume that that's a number one or a number two but i don't know if someone else says to me that it's a you know a number three or a number four oh you think

Merlini might have been i might have done a number three a number three yeah but it doesn't even cross my

Alexmind but but like why i i don't know i wish i don't think of me as a source of three yeah exactly

MerlinI know I don't that was a long time ago buddy but but I fought with your father in the clone wars he used to make number three all the time

Alexoh I just I I hope that for the threes in my life that I've always been sympathetic and uh because I've I've been lucky in that a three has never been unintentionally imposed upon me.

MerlinOh, good. Good, good, good, good, good.

AlexYes. Yeah, yeah. I don't think I'd be a fan of three. It's not a huge

Merlindignity builder for anybody, I think.

AlexI see. I've heard mixed things, but I know what I know.

MerlinI'm going to repeat it. The heart wants what it wants, Alexandra. I'm not here to I'm not even going to say the words. But what did that remind me of? Facials? Really? Okay.

AlexI'm sorry. I just heard an adult say to their... I'm sorry. I just...

MerlinYou heard an adult say to their...

AlexI heard an adult say to their child, your dad just gave me a facial, and I couldn't help it. I just fucking lost my mind.

MerlinYeah, it's like the Amish guy in Letter Kenny. It's like just, oh, man, please. Please stop. Please stop. Please stop. I said to Emma last night we should do our black facials again and she said yeah we totally should I said but here's the thing I'm not going to put it on the calendar because if you ever have to be approved by the senate for something there's going to be questions about black facial and I don't want you to have to deal with that black facial will just be between us when we run out the boys we will do black facial

Alexwhat a normal way to put something on a calendar yeah

Merlinthe other thing is as long as you're the one who's obsessed with all this horny stuff Did you see the latest Epstein updates?

AlexMm-mm, mm-mm, mm-mm.

MerlinI don't follow this super carefully, but I read some headlines yesterday that seem to say that Ghislaine's deposition will be basically unsealed. You know, all the stuff that she's been fighting to keep out of the public eye, apparently it's looking clearer that that might be coming out.

AlexYes.

MerlinYou know what I'm saying?

AlexI mean, oh.

MerlinThe reason I mention it here is like, I don't, I mean, I certainly don't want to, well, you're obsessed with Epstein, not me. But my God, he had to come so much. Can you imagine how much, I mean, obviously he's, again, a bad actor. But like, if you had to make number three like four times a day, that's making a 12. That's crazy.

AlexYeah.

MerlinBut like every day, I mean, sure. Listen, hey, you know, I used to drink a lot of water. When I was 14, I could hit the headboard four or five times in a day, but I didn't. I didn't want to be drained of my essential essence. You know, purity of essence, peace on earth.

AlexI think there was some Peter Thiel shit going on, like Super Cialis or something. I'm not familiar. He's like, oh, like Blue Chew Express or something.

MerlinBlue Chew.

AlexBlue Chew. Blue Chew. Blue Chew.

MerlinWhat the fuck is Blue Chew? Don't say that like it's just a thing. What the fuck? Blue Chew

AlexOh god I'm so excited that I get to introduce you to this

MerlinI want to tell you about Blue Chew

AlexI'm so excited

MerlinHas this ever happened to you? You're on your private jet Trying to groom a 14 year old person Who looked like they were at least 22 Try Blue Chew

AlexI'm so excited

MerlinBlue Chew now you can bite Oh god

AlexOkay

MerlinOh hello guy Oh this guy I would avoid this guy at parties First of all The man with the blue chew With his fancy Apple watch

AlexThat is an Hermes edition for sure Okay It is

MerlinThat would be very helpful to our listeners This fella on the page First of all This guy looks like a predator But he also is obviously in disguise Okay so blue chew And it looks like he's holding a condom but I'm given to believe that's blue chew, whatever blue chew is. Chewable sildenafil or tadalafil. And the question is, are these right for you? You can discuss with an online provider today. We did not say it was a doctor.

Please, let's be very clear. They're online providers. Do you get a cool disguise with it? Yes, I'm Dr. Fingerbang. How can I help you today?

AlexOh, God.

MerlinWhat number would you like to make?

AlexHe's the living embodiment of Dr. Nick, but with a better sweater. And I love it. It's so fun.

MerlinWhat are you doing? Was he chewing some gum there? This ain't gum. Hi. I'm Robert Blue Chew. And I was made in USA.

AlexOh, boy.

MerlinOkay. Oh, I see. It's the active ingredient in Viagra TM. And the ta-da-dafidil is the active ingredient in Cialis. Or as John Secrecy says, Cialis. Oh, we sauced the chalice.

AlexMamma mia.

MerlinMamma mia, you chose poorly. Okay.

AlexOh, stupid. Stupid.

MerlinSo we're talking about dicks.

AlexWe were talking about the, oh, Tubin, whose last name I've always found funny. So this is just even better.

MerlinI'm trying to stop making fun of people's names. I think next to puns is the lowest form of humor. Because they can't change what their name is.

AlexWell, that's why it's funny. You're not punching down at any, like, my last name is Cox.

MerlinI'm not punching anybody. I can't punch. I just don't want to run around going, like, doing those, like, you know, as somebody with a weird name. Mr. Drunk. You've got a weird name. Yes. Yes, exactly. Well, exactly. So you've been through this where like you hear a thing and somebody, because they've just met you, says the thing and it does not occur to them that that is the most obvious thing that anybody could say. And it's something you've heard since you were old enough to remember having heard it. Like the magician.

AlexLike the wizard. Wait, Merlin's a magician and not a wizard?

MerlinAnd I say yes.

AlexLike that.

MerlinWhatever you'd like it to be is fine.

AlexDo you still get a lot of Marlins?

MerlinWell, Madeline used to get a lot of Natalie. What? Well, it's what Marco calls the Snap to Grid name.

AlexOh.

MerlinBecause Marco has a classic. He coined that term, so full credit. We should also tell him about nuts.com. But Marco says if you have a Snap to Grid name, you have a name that for whatever reason, when someone hears it it's close enough to a name that is much more familiar to them and so that could in marco's case i bet that could be mark or that could be matt or or whatever um and so yeah i do i used to get marlins i got a lot of marlins like people i worked with for years would still call me marlin or meryl oddly enough i don't know why has anyone ever said like the fish

Oh is that Nemo's father?

AlexYeah

MerlinNo Alex no one's ever said like the fish But I'll be on the lookout For that right now I bet you get the director You get the director a lot I bet

AlexI do Or I get people who It's interesting It feels like There's been a gap Nobody who's

MerlinRight right right Because he's more of an 80's character He's like Sid and Nancy he's repo man he's like the is he english uh 80s indie director yeah yeah he he's he's repo man

Alexand sit in nance those are my two actually i don't know another film he has made those are but two of my favorite favorite films ordinary fucking people uh and but but uh like it's it's kind of you know in film school that was like oh and we have the director of repo man here and yeah it's me but uh now no one oh that's funny no suit i know yeah fit me uh but but now i have this fun thing where i introduce people to repo man they're like how why do you know this movie

exists and i'm like i don't know it's just a night it's a it's a good movie but maybe i give off a weird vibe but the questioning continues like no but like why why do you know about this

Merlinbecause i went to film school oh the director's name is your name i don't know i give off um But it's one of those things where it's like reply people on Twitter where I've taken – nobody cares. I have taken elaborate pains to present this exactly the way I'm presenting this. There's nobody I meant to mention here that I didn't mention. There's no joke I missed here that I oughtn't have missed.

This is exactly what I wanted to say. So when you come in and then you start adding handles to make sure other people know that that's what I mentioned and meant, oh, thank you very much for that, Twitter snitch. And also where you come in and you make the joke that I didn't make. That makes me sad. It makes me sad. Don't make that joke. Don't make the obvious joke.

AlexHave you noticed more hats on Twitter lately?

MerlinMetaphorically or sartorially?

AlexMetaphorically.

MerlinOh, I feel like I've noticed I've noticed less of everything on Twitter. I did. Jill Guttowicz was talking about this today. Like sometimes my timeline is so barren because I've basically muted everyone. I'm like Burgess Meredith, like just waiting for my glasses to break.

Oh, this hats and people come in and doing the kind of joke.

AlexIt's not even like a hat on a hat. Someone will put forth a very small hat and then someone puts a gigantic hat on top. And I am not a funny person, in my opinion, but I feel like I have, I was about to say, I...

MerlinYou have a very clear voice on Twitter, I think. It's an odd voice sometimes, but it's definitely yours.

AlexI have, I may contain...

MerlinOh, God. You seem very agitated sometimes, and that agitation, I think, comes through in your work.

AlexAmtrak House... Amtrak. House GOP wants to investigate Joe Biden's use of charted Amtrak train on campaign trails.

MerlinOh, my God. What?

AlexIs this the most boring? What? OK, in a letter to Amtrak CEO William Flynn, four Republican representatives argued that charter trains. I'm already bored. Like the one Biden paid for to tour the Rust Belt. States are not part of Amtrak's primary objective.

MerlinOh, my God. You're kidding me. Abuse of the rails. Oh, my God. Fraud and malfeasance in the railroad industry. It's still happening. Oh, my God. God. I wish. Really? Really, guys? Really? Come on. For campaigning on an Amtrak? My God. The president has his official citizen funded people come up at his rallies and speak about how great he is.

Oh, by the way, he took Air Force One there. Very, very, very sad. The way he abuses. It's called railroad scheduling.

AlexOh, boy.

MerlinOh, boy.

AlexI.

MerlinOh, stupid time. Stupid fucking time.

AlexHave you listened to the new election profit makers yet?

MerlinI'm halfway through the very latest one, I believe. I guess we're having an election is the title, something like that?

AlexI think so. Yeah. I make it a point to...

MerlinI love the many faces of Helicopter Tony. Do you want me to answer as him or do you want me to answer? Okay, now I'm long-chancelled. I love them so much. Sorry, go ahead. Like I said, I think I'm about halfway through.

AlexI wish friends of the show, EPMers, are getting me optimistic again that Trump is going to lose. And I don't like it. It's the hope that kills you. Yeah, I don't want Helicopter Tony telling me like, oh, something really bad would have to happen. It's like, of course, of course. Like, that's what's going to happen.

MerlinIt's, yeah, I mean, boy, the thing that I think, like a lot of folks, the thing that I'm most fearful of is what happens after the election, right? So the, I mean, there's so many ways that they could fuck this chicken. Like, just, you know, they're going to basically be stripping the White House for parts. Jared's going to be out there, like, just cutting so many deals. There's so much shit that's going to go down. And, like, you know, that's a big fear. But the other thing is, like, in some ways, I'm, how can I put this?

oh boy oh boy i was about to say something i'm glad i'm not um because it is it is about penises and i won't say that but you know i'm glad he has let's put it this way i'm glad the president has a way to burn off some steam and feel like he's scoring dunks because that i think is all that keeps the button from being pushed the fact that he can go out there once twice three times a day do his little do his little show talk about biden in his basement i mean it's i think basically at this point it's so well because i do watch these fairly often i think steven miller is just doing

like the equivalent of a male merge and a little bit of find and replace it's it's by the time you get to the he's so fucking bored with the speed he has nothing new to say but he loves the adulation and maybe that gives him the dopamine that keeps us alive i'm not being i'm honestly not trying to this is not a bit i do think he needs an outlet if he didn't have an outlet right now and he was like stuck in the White House. Can you imagine the shit he'd be doing?

AlexThat's the fucked up thing is I am like, wow, Twitter's been pretty quiet lately of other than the bomb, those bombshells.

MerlinOh, you're talking about Hunter? Where's Hunter? It's called Where's Hunter. You say that? Remember that? Do you remember that? We put that on a shirt. We put that on a shirt. It was it was the number one selling shirt. He said yesterday. It's called Where's Hunter.

Alexi all right i i'm i know i know that like big like leftist jokes are very much like

Merlinoh 100 biden's cool now oh man resistance resistance humor like oh my god but really

Alexit's a little bit like like just the comedy of errors uh yeah no no just the just the like um you know the pictures of him where he's like clearly coked out and he kind of looks like a soprano's character and it's a little bit attractive you're talking about the president no no i'm talking about hunter um we're on a first name basis now oh hunter i see i see i see and i i just i'm like i wish that we had a scandal this interesting but not like no

Merlinit was it was like oh no i mean there's a funny core i mean this is coming straight out of my ass i i don't want to talk i don't like talking about it too much because really all we're doing is carrying water for this for this very dishonest and hurtful message but you know a thing people said they used to say um ronald reagan was the teflon president because nothing sticks to him and certainly resistance uh twitter and resistance america has been frustrated at how little sticks to Trump. Two that come to mind are Access Hollywood and the very fine people on both

sides remark. You know, there are all of these extinction level events that he kind of just skates right past because the bar is so low, you know, that things tend not to stick. And he is generating, I'm sorry, this is something people have been saying for three or four years. He's generating so much water muddying bullshit all the time that nobody has time to run down all the leads. So things end up not sticking. And we were always kind of chasing the next tennis ball of the next news cycle. And in a kind of bizarro world way, the idea of attacking

the Biden family, pulling out snapshots of them having a meal at a small table together and smiling and Joe Biden texting his son in rehab to say, my beautiful son, I love you. It's like, wow, I wonder why this scandal is not sticking. His son, who had lots of problems and everybody knows, had a drug and alcohol problem. Everybody already knew that. So now it's just like Rudy Giuliani holding up a photo and going, you know, oh yeah, Tammy Duckworth,

what happened to her legs? Big scandal, what's going on with that? And you're like, dude, really? Like that's, yeah, like she walks funny. That's our October surprise. Tammy Duckworth has a funny walk like a duck. yeah well she lost her legs in the military you're like yeah exactly why is no one talking about this why isn't the fake news out there talking about the carelessness with her lower limbs it's called bodily integrity you know i mean like it's like of course it's not sticking it's obviously stupid it's

obviously fucked up and and giuliani is such a damaged agent of chaos at this point he's just walking around going yeah there's 50 50 chance i got played by the russians whatever i don't care

Alexthis is actually funny to me lol what do you think is chris christie's play right now like i the only reason that i'm starting to entertain this again is because like i think we've all kind of figured trump out like he's just like he can't picture a world without himself like he is the truest form of narcissist and yeah like he's not even a sociopath because he has so much empathy for himself like he but but what is everybody else just trying to not go to jail like he doesn't have

that much money like jeffrey epstein's gone there's no private jets like i don't i don't know I mostly now I want to be rich to understand.

MerlinI think everybody has their I think everybody has their reasons for what they're doing. And sometimes it's clearer than others. I mean, Mitch McConnell wants judges like that. That is I think pretty much there's nothing.

AlexBut that's like a clear hasn't he just straight up said that multiple times? Like what? But what about the like Trump fuck boys?

MerlinYeah, I don't think there's so you're talking about you're talking about somebody like who was it that was it Johnson? Who was it the other day that said, oh, yeah, well, I've privately been against a lot of this stuff. I want to say it was Ron Johnson, but I don't remember. I've privately been very against a lot of his decisions, just so you all know.

AlexLike that kind of thing?

MerlinIs that what you're talking about?

AlexNo, I'm thinking about the people who I guess the inner circle, but like the inner campaigning circle. So the traveling circus, really, of like.

MerlinAnd the idea that they're trying to distance themselves. I'm not sure I know what you're talking about. You said you said what is what you're asking about Chris Christie. I'm trying to understand what it is you're asking.

AlexChris Christie. It hasn't Chris Christie gone all like, yep, it was really, really bad. I was wrong. We need to find a way to fix this.

MerlinYes. But just to my knowledge, just on just on COVID. He's he's not saying, oh, babies in cages don't love that. He's basically saying and it's like all these these ding-a-lings that it doesn't matter until they're the one who gets it until it affects them.

AlexSo you think he's sincere about that?

MerlinLike that's about wanting people to wear a mask and stuff.

AlexYeah.

MerlinYeah. I imagine. I mean, again, it's the ex smoker thing. Like nobody hates cigarettes more than someone who smoked for 20 years.

AlexInteresting.

MerlinYeah. And the thing I said the other day that has been in the back of my head for a while. And this is just really just something a lot of people have said in lots of ways. But, you know, when he said, God, what was it?

AlexOh, let me find this.

MerlinHe said something the other day that was it's it's it's so instructive. But what do we all know? Or what does everybody believe on an information is that he tends to accuse people of things that he has probably done much worse. Or he does. He accuses people of things that he's very scared of being accused of. Right. I mean, isn't that kind of like a don't we all agree on that kind of.

AlexYeah. And that's I mean, that's generally how a lot of humans work, I think.

MerlinBut this is, so Jill Colvin quoting, I think, a New York Times story. Quote, I think Joe Biden has a scandal coming up that's going to make him almost an impotent candidate, unquote. Trump also told his staff during the call.

So this is that crazy call he had with the other day. And the thing I said was it's always instructive to consider the ways that he thinks no one else is like him, right alongside the numerous ways he assumes everyone is like him. So, I mean, I think those two things taken in combination explain a lot. So on the one hand, there's nobody in the world like him because for practical purposes, he is the world. You know, the earth c'est moi. Like he's, as we said on that Slack thing, like he can't imagine not existing.

So why would he worry about things like other people's deaths, etc.? I don't want to be overdramatic about this, but there are so many ways in which he is, He is, for practical purposes, the only person in the world. He is literally unique in that way, right? And so there's all kinds of things that don't go for him.

AlexI don't know. It's, no, it's weird. Everything's weird.

MerlinBut then the other side of that is he just assumes that there's ways in which everyone else is like him. So if he's stealing shit and grifting and hiding stuff, everybody else must be doing it too. It's just because they're not him, they're bad.

Alexwell and i think that is part of what is the frustration and kind of the boiling point i i don't know this is all boring and has also been said to death but like the the frustration with trying to find dirt on biden is the reason that a lot of people don't like him and that he hasn't really done a ton like and he hasn't done anything in 47 years and i've done in 40 months is blah

blah or whatever he says and 47 months yeah yeah and then of course right after that he says it's true it's it's true it's true so true so true can we imagine that uh we we we we should we we should

Merlinstart the show but i i just the the town hall oh the one with savannah guthrie or the one with

Alexgeorge stefanopoulos uh no that thing was uh i i ignored i i planned to ignore both town halls because i'm trying not to give any more attention to the election than i should and i'm epically failing as they say uh but i i got a text from sin like are you watching it i'm like no all right

Merlinwhich i'm sorry alex which one the biden one or the trump one well and i and so i turned on the

Alexbiden such it's such a straightforward answer no no no no because when this person said are you watching it i thought immediately ah biden has said something terrible it's really disorienting

Merlinwhen somebody texts you and says are you watching this yes i especially if they say dot dot dot are

Alexyou watching this and then i realized oh this is i i see i he he's pulling a merlin on me got it uh because i'm like okay it's george stephanopoulos and biden looking sad and but in like the heartfelt oh no sure turn the channel uh go or go to the channel turn turn the channel is that what people say i chant chant the churner chant go to the new tab that has the different network on it uh wow that was a weird it was i like just having a weird dissociative thing or is that something

we've like never seen before i didn't go on twitter i didn't the way the people acted or

Merlinthe way that he acted or that odd way he was sitting everything about it except for maybe the

Alexthe sassy black lady behind him that was so obviously put there to nod at everything he said it just i i don't know it was it was it was like a thanks watching a thanksgiving dinner conversation in which the kid who has just come home from college is just not taking any shit from a crazy uncle, as she called him. And I was like, wow. Oh, I see what you're saying.

MerlinIt's like Savannah Guthrie's the one who's like, okay, the scales have fallen from my eyes and I can see straight through what he's saying.

AlexBut I don't think it was, no, but there's no veil over anyone's eyes. Like these people aren't so sweet.

MerlinBut then you can tell he's losing when he goes like, She says, like, so did you have a COVID test on the day of the debate? And he goes, you know, maybe I did. Maybe I didn't.

AlexHe's like the president of the United States.

MerlinIt seems like you'd remember that, you know.

AlexBut she got to dig in. Like, that's not something that.

MerlinI thought she did a really good job.

AlexAmazing job. And I'm just so curious. I am dying to know whether or not that was her. Either way, I think she did a phenomenal job. but I want to know if it was like yeah just just go for it just lean in or if she was just like

Merlinokay fuck this and actually she seemed very well prepared because he has a variety of ways of slipping out of any wrestling hold yes he can throw dirt in your face he can just fall on you like there's so many different ways but that he's he can he has developed a way of being an evasive, wormy shitbird while still projecting what he regards as an air of toughness.

AlexAnd that was not this. It was really...

MerlinAccording to the New York Post's Miranda Devine, Trump's town hall was, quote, a setup from the start, unquote, because they gave him the, quote, tiny chair that could barely fit half a buttock, let alone a whole one.

I am not owned. Our precious boy, our precious boy has prodigious hinders. They gave him this little joke chair. They gave him a joke chair. You could barely fit an eighth of a real man's buttock on there. For a man who's extremely strong. Darling, darling, my buttock did not fit on the chair, darling. Should we watch TV tonight? The wind is not blowing, darling.

AlexAnd Sleepy Joe in the big armchair with Georgie.

MerlinHe's never called anybody, darling. Give me a fucking break. how's the uh how's the discourse on rudy going have you been following let's we check in see

Alexhow things are going any new discourse no i'm i've i've been good i don't have my even though i have my quiet keyboard i have not been uh going on twitter now now i'm going to oh i hate when it says 20 plus notifications like what did what did uh uh what do you get notifications in people asking me if i got uh uh yes i did get a face mask for my pokemon go avatar thank you very much um so it's notifications on your pokemon app uh-huh i i got a uh a face mask on my avatar

in my fake video game i got it okay dolly parton brings stephen colbert to tears no i this is all wholesome where's the part where's the stuff that's supposed to make me sad oh illinois election news good cool uh mail-in ballot rejected nice all right uh yours no not just somebody's from this tweet i guess uh chicago tribune the man who dangled from trump tower i'm just reading my

Merlintwitter feed king lear is just english words in order what is happening right now that's what

Alextwitter is uh a tweet from the chicago tribune the man who dangled from trump tower for more than 13 hours jumped out of a private ambulance that was taking him to another hospital according

Merlinto chicago police are we in a segment right now or are you just having some kind of lugareic fugue state.

AlexIs this a sad story?

MerlinA paper bag man came with the hat on. He came in. He said, ring the bell, ring the bell. And I said, you don't know nothing about pleasing no grocery cards. It's been a hard time for all the pickers because you come on down with the Venetian blinds and they're wondering when the violins are going to come. I don't know. I got notifications on my statement. Got a mask from Pokemon.

Alexon i i you're you're getting a little too southern i i stand grand you're a little too southern

Merlinsimpson on this one did you did you hear we got to get to the challenge but um i'm gonna i'm gonna

Alexsay this we have we been talking for 50 minutes good lord all right start the show what well we

Merlinstarted eight minutes late but the the um here's the thing this is so fucking wild i should probably save it for the after show but um but this you know like a lot of um like a lot of americans uh you know a lot of americans are reckoning with a lot of historical things like what things are named they're reckoning with statues and you know on the one end it's like sort of there's a lot of overdue like oh hey could the virginia military institute not be actively racist and harassing

black people because that a thing we could work on and the other end you've got what people very call cancel culture whatever well san francisco is one of the cities that's going through that we have let's go straight off the dome i mean we were settled as a as a like a mission town basically so there's there's a lot of bad shit that's gone down in the past long story short uh i just want to be really clear for context here that the san francisco public school system all the schools are closed and everyone everybody's doing remote learning they're trying to get to a point where they can send back the elementary kids but i just want to be super clear this school year with the

exception of going to pick up your Chromebook at a socially distanced line, there's been no in-person anything this school year. So there has been an advisory board, a blue ribbon panel, if you like, of people put together to go through, in this case, the names of schools in San Francisco and to identify potentially problematic names that might need to be changed. So it was announced, I believe late last week, that they were proposing that one third of the schools in San Francisco do some brainstorming and come up with a different name, that that's a thing they need to be working on.

One third, the schools are not open. The schools that the kids can't go to, one third of them now need to, the recommendation is they need to step up and come up with a better name, a different name than the one that the school has.

Alexi okay that took me oh i oh wow what i can you give me an example oh boy i'm not gonna give you

Merlinboy am i ever gonna give you an example okay like so much incredibly stupid shit in san francisco this comes from a good place right they're they're like any of us trying to trying to be good and grow and like move fast break things well i think for a pretty long time it's been a town run by very smart progressive uh adult children who don't have children there's all kinds of shit that people do in this town that like it's such a good idea in the abstract there's so many ideas that there's

such a neat idea if you were like a 14 year old kid at girls state like oh boy that's a really interesting idea. Oh, you know, but then, you know, in the way that it's implemented, it's not great. Okay, so our mayor, who's really cool, is very mad about this and very frustrated that this is where they're putting their attention right now. A third of San Francisco public schools could see their names changed as officials pushed to replace, quote, inappropriate ones honoring presidents, writers, generals, and even Senator Dianne Feinstein. Okay, so just so we're clear here,

We're talking about Lincoln, Lowell, Presidio, Paul Revere, Dianne Feinstein, Thomas Jefferson, Francis Scott Key, Frank McHoppen, former mayor.

AlexPaul Revere as in the British are coming, the British are coming, Paul Revere?

MerlinAs in him. And why Abraham Lincoln? It seemed like he was a good slave man. No, because he did bad things to Native Americans. So here's the criteria. Anyone directly involved in the colonization of people. Real talk, that's going to be a lot of people, including certainly the people who started the missions. Slave owners or participants in enslavement.

AlexOh, excuse me. Not me. My family only gentrified Chicago.

MerlinYeah.

AlexI mean, you put a little poll.

MerlinPerpetrators of genocide or slavery, those who exploit workers slash people.

AlexOkay, good. I'm glad I'm included. Yeah.

MerlinOkay. Those who directly oppressed or abused women, children, queer or transgender people. Now, in modern times, I think that's going to clear a lot of the chessboard. Those who are known racists and or white supremacists and or espoused racist beliefs. So some of these, you know, like I'm not going to weep over Unipro Serra, like not not my favorite Spaniard or whatever.

AlexSo it's just a big list of schools. is is so is it like i i mean i guess i am as confused about this as i bet a lot of parents and people in san francisco are because it's it's it's you know it's a lot of things it's a lot of

Merlinthings it's i mean i feel like and again i'm i'm not against the idea of i certainly there's uh an element of like taste or a matter of degree but it's it's it's just so many things at once Let me just name a few. Fuck, really? Now? This is what we're doing? Okay, it seems the teachers and superintendent, the principals, they got a lot of shit on their plate right now to even keep schools not open. Okay, so, all right, fine. Let's even assume there's resources for that. But really? Now? One third?

Really? We're going to do a third? A third of the schools are doing that?

AlexGood Lord! Oh my God!

MerlinNo, a third of the school of the 125 schools, parents and principals of 44 sites were forced to scramble this week to brainstorm new school names while also juggling the demands of distance learning in a pandemic.

AlexSo the people who are brainstorming these names, I'm sure that it's a very diverse group of people they've brought in who are familiar with the situation at hand, right? Not like administrators at the school, right? Well, I mean, so think about the way, I guess.

MerlinYeah, I'm sure they brought in some learned people. But like, okay, like what are we ultimately saying here? What we're saying is that there was a time when this person was valorized and honored. And because they were valorized and honored, they named a school after them. Well, our values as Americans have changed. And we want to reassess the extent to which those values are something we want to continue to reward by publicizing that person and valorizing them.

I think that's a straight up legit thing to want to do for all kinds of things. But yeah, the timing is not great. And also, like, I think about the Mississippi flag, where I think it was Mississippi, where they said, okay, look, we're going to get a different flag. But first, we're just not going to do this flag. Until we have, don't have, you know, until we have a better flag, we're not going to use this one. Or like the Washington football team saying, look, there's two separate things here.

One is we need a better name. But the first thing is we need to not have this old name.

AlexI mean, Chicago did the same thing of like, we're just going to take all this statues because right now we're going to focus. Well, I do not want to give Lori Lightfoot any sort of credit for anything right now.

MerlinShe's taking kind of a heel turn, hasn't she?

AlexWhat do you mean by that?

MerlinIn wrestling, you have faces and heels. The faces are like the pretty boys, like nice guys, the people you root for, white hats, if you like. And heels are the black hats, sorry. The bad ones. And a heel turn is when a baby face turns into a heel and like usually betrays somebody and then becomes a bad guy.

AlexOh, no. She's always been bad, unfortunately. Well, yeah.

MerlinDoes she not have an opportunity to try the clothes on before?

AlexWell, she is.

MerlinIs she actually three children in a pantsuit?

AlexThat's the thing, though. She is a lesbian, not a meta lesbian, not a meta lesbian at all. just she doesn't like she doesn't like heavy metal at all yeah no she she she's just one of those people who is a normal she's she's just a cop who likes pussy is as far as i understand it but like at least okay we got all like rid of not all of but a lot of uh our you know really shitty problematic statues because yes uh not great for police to be beating up children in

Grant Park, which is our, you know, Chicago Central Park, if people don't know.

MerlinGrant had substance issues. They should rename that.

AlexYeah. Oh, that's right.

MerlinThey should check his laptop.

AlexI should. What?

MerlinI heard Grant killed some guys. But like, I'm thinking of like in New York. I mean, what's the joke in New York? It's like a joke, but like, you know, PS 45. I mean, I don't know the numbers, but I think the schools are by and large named. well at least they used to be named by like a like a numeral the same way you would name like a district in town like you don't have to get specific about the like whose name we use for this we use the old white people's name for this or the the young latinos name for this neighborhood

well how about we just call it 12 how about we just call it nine or as you say nueve like that that's what we're gonna call it i don't know it's just all those things together we can cut all that

Alexout i'm sorry wait what no it's very like who i it's just such a gross publicity but i who who is this making happy is what i'm like what problem is this solving what what third grader is like i

Merlingo to lincoln elementary if this if you if you pulled this off flawlessly or not flawlessly if you pull this off in a normal way in a normal time i think it's an it's a it's kind of a cool way to say like we've we've done our we're gonna we've done the math and we're gonna show our work yeah by our you know um whatever you want to call it by our you know our codex or our whatever we this is our criteria for this and this is how we applied those criteria but you know there's all kinds of ways that there's a lot of people who are gonna really old san francisco people who are

just going to be like really like you can't name a school after the first mayor of san francisco like he wasn't he was a shithead in some ways but like they're going to be like you you can't do this we went through this years ago when they changed the army street to cesar chavez street and that is a you can really tell like what era and class and background someone has by what they call that street because if you still call that army today like nothing that's i mean whatever it's a personal choice but like there's all kinds of things where one calls it the old name but

that is also you are not code switching but you're throwing a shape that like you're not

Alexgoing to capitulate to this chavez thing yeah it's not quite a dog whistle i'm trying i see what

Merlinyou're saying yeah yeah no you get it you get it so anyway i think if they if they did this well at a normal time i think a lot of people would applaud it but i i mean i haven't read extensively on this but i don't think there's even been like a public comment period i think they basically are And I'm not trying to do a lot of store chamber, but it seems like it's kind of just by fiat that they're making this announcement in the middle of a pandemic. And it's like, it's comical to me.

AlexIt's just, I mean, I've been a part of various renaming committees pre-normal times. But it always seems like it just ends up that a bunch of people in charge start to look at the black people in the room and go, so what do you think? And I just like who is who is naming coming up with new name?

I just I don't know.

MerlinIt's an interesting combination of these two different phenomena. The one phenomenon that we're always talking about, like the white horsing that people do or the white knighting that people do for other people, like stepping in on someone's behalf who never asked to have a white knight that speaks for them. But it's also this. How do you describe this? I'm sure there's a well-known analogy for this, but it's like, you know, somebody comes in bleeding and into the emergency room and you say, oh, yeah, you're going to love using our new sign in sheet.

We just finished it. It's really good. or like, you know, well, gosh, shit, this came up this morning. What were my, oh my God, my wife and I were listening to a story on KQED. And, oh my God, it was about, I mean, again, well-intentioned, very well-intentioned local story about schools, but it's true for every school. And they're like, well, you know, it's a very hard time for students. They're having a very difficult time. It's very stressful. And we think it's really important to get them the space, to have circle time and expand that circle time, to be able to talk about all of these things. And that's all. Wait, wait, what's circle time? Circle time is how you begin and end the day, usually.

at like pre-K and younger grades where you sit in a circle on the floor and everybody gets a chance to talk. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And then kids are encouraged to like, you know, say, you know, what's on their mind. But anyway, but I'm sorry, but it's great. But, but we're both like, yeah, that's great. I love this implementation of extended circle time or we could make this disease go away because then it's like yes i appreciate that i appreciate all of these things

i appreciate the fact that there could be parklets now where people can go and eat outside and it's just like it's like the fucking city of rome all of these layers of like make do shit that we've been doing for eight months it's just grinding and it's like anyway abraham lincoln very problematic Also, I heard he might be a gay

AlexOh, yeah I forgot about that He's a depressed gay Poor Mary Was he gay or was Mary Was she light in the corset And his loafers were heavy enough I don't know

MerlinI'm so exhausted now.

AlexI know. I don't know why. I don't know why I leaned into that. Apparently. See, this is why I should be on Twitter.

MerlinI'm here for it, as they say.

AlexOh, it's just, you know, there's doggy. There's dog.

MerlinNo, I know. There's everything. I understand. I understand.

Speaker AThe challenge, I believe, this week.

MerlinI think it's Alex's challenge. Alex, what's the challenge this week?

AlexThe challenge this week. Excuse me. as I opened my instruments for this challenge, was to just stick something in your nose.

MerlinYeah, find things to put in your nose. Could be nickels.

AlexMm-hmm.

MerlinCould be God's grace.

AlexYep. Yep.

MerlinCocaine.

AlexOh, I am very curious what snorting a powder feels like because I just...

MerlinI'm going to get this off my chest once and for all. I tried cocaine once I did it I think I might have done it wrong Because I didn't feel shit and I went straight to sleep

AlexOh that's What a disappointing

MerlinShe should have been there with me Everybody else was having fun with cocaine I might have gotten the diet version I might have gotten the no-cane That's not even a thing Hi Introducing diet cocaine

AlexThat's like a product that oh god it's it's like well you know when people went out diet coke it was like who's gonna

Merlindrink this or like you know the um or like coke zero there's no wait there's no sugar there's no caffeine like why are you drinking this because it's delicious i know i hate i hate the heroin

Alexbut i love the track marks hi i'm blue i'm blue chew cocaine oh so far a doctor or i'm sorry uh not a doctor uh one of their experts has not gotten me gotten back to me yet but um i'm waiting

Merlinat this little chat oh wait are you talking about the uh the uh online providers yes the online

Alexproviders uh a specialist will be with me shortly but i'll follow up with that later um for so for this challenge it was mostly inspired by a shark tank product that like aired a few years ago and then was actually released called boom boom which is i think it's called is it called an inhaler is

Merlinthat what the technical name is it's not like a like an aerosol asthma but i used to get the vix

Alexversion of this when i was a kid so it is uh yeah the the it's a penis looking dingus you put in

Merlinyour nose and then you inhale and you get usually a smell at least plus some kind of a slightly

Alexfunctional usually menthol kind of thing right uh okay but i see that's the thing i don't fucking

Merlinknow you sent me i'm just trying to describe the what we're talking about before we get into the boom boom family of products saying boom boom won't be clear to people unless it's not clear

Alexokay so well the vix vapor rub sniffy stuff you you sent me a link to that and i got uh i i received that as well right here and i'm still the best i love these i don't understand what it's a like

Merlinit clears you don't you really you don't understand did you read the outside of the piece yeah when you breathe it in the notion is that it helps clear out your sinuses or to like

Alexclear your breathing but how is this different than um not not flownate but well yeah but non-prescription flonase. Like this...

MerlinIt's not medicine. It's just the smell. What people used to do, you used to be, oh my God, you're, I just, what the, what medium-sized cereal bowl are you living in? I'm sorry. How do you not know about things? Vicks is a thing. It used to be Vicks Vapo Rub, and there's no R.

AlexYes, and you'd rub it, and your grandmother would lovingly rub it, like on your chest, yes.

MerlinYou rub it on your chest, or similar, or under your nose directly if you're a real baller.

AlexUh-huh. Oh, I put Carmex up my nose. That's my jam.

MerlinIf you accidentally pull out a hair or just as a prophylactic?

AlexWell, both, but yeah.

MerlinOkay. And so, yeah, in seventh grade, I used to use these when I was in. It doesn't matter that I was in military school, but that was my vintage for the inhalers. And I don't know if they do much, but boy, these boom booms or something.

AlexDid you get them?

MerlinI sure did.

AlexI have not tried them yet. But they arrived Friday evening.

MerlinI can save you the trouble.

AlexNo, no. I just, okay. Well, do you have a suggestion of what I should try first? Because I've tried. None of them.

MerlinAbsolutely, absolutely none of them.

AlexOkay, so all of them.

MerlinHave you ever walked into a bathroom where somebody just took an epic, tragic shit?

AlexYes.

MerlinLike a bone-chilling shit.

AlexYes.

MerlinAnd then they sprayed that inexpensive air freshener that's in there. And then you walk in after and what you smell is an epically tragic, huge shit plus cheap air freshener. It's not that the shit smell went away. It's just that now there's two smells. It's like regular expressions. Now you got two problems. So these are basically, it's kind of like a menthol inhaler. But if somebody, oh, you know, put in like some Kool-Aid powder or something.

They come in different. So these are the same form factor. They might be manufactured by the same...

AlexYeah, I'm having them down to the little grippy nubbins at the end.

MerlinI know, I know, I know. Grippy nubbins at your Samnitzka.

AlexThey look very similar. I also got Moxie Breathe. I don't know what that's going to be. What am I

Merlinholding now? I think I'm just... I'm using my way into a long-term stroke, I think. What is it?

AlexMoxie Breathe is just another natural inhaler product that I got on Amazon.

MerlinThe word nubbins. Grippy nubbins. Sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry.

AlexGrippy nubbins? That's what it's called.

MerlinGrippy nubbins is so cute. I can barely read these because I don't have my glasses on. So I've got three booms, boom.

Speaker AMm-hmm.

MerlinThis one is... Awaken... No. Where's the actual name of the flavor? Cinnamon. Really? Ooh. Cinnamon. uh this other one this other boom boom is flavored oh i got it cinnamon cinnamon this is god this is hard to read clippy corona i can't really read it no cream cream jammer anyway i

Alexdon't have my glasses on and there's an orange one i oh see i have i've got berry melon tropical winter mint cinnamon and regular mint but i want to try here where's the berry hold on so how do

MerlinYeah, like they say, like, don't wear two colognes or don't wear two, like, don't mix your scents. I mean, like that. This is a really a poster for that. Like, go with cinnamon or go with menthol. I would not go with cinnamon and menthol.

AlexI'm going to. My plan was to just cleanse between each with a Vicks inhaler, because that seems to be the like. What's in this?

MerlinI bet it's just a little might be just a little chunk of menthol. Oh, you know what? Oh, science time. I'm never going to use these booms, boom. I'm going to fucking crack them open if I can do it without cutting myself.

AlexI'm going to inhale some berry.

Speaker ALet me get my cutting area.

AlexOh, doctor. Oh, my God. Are you supposed to just do one? I don't think you're supposed to do it that hard, Alex. Ow. Hold on.

MerlinYou need to be in a relationship with that.

AlexI got to balance it out with the other one.

MerlinOh, God. Oh, God. Oh, God, when you take this out of the thing, it smells so bad. Oh, this tropical. Oh, God. Oh, I don't want to cut it open now. Okay.

AlexGod, it's like Jolly Ranchers are in my nose.

MerlinYeah, but you have a mint Jolly Rancher.

AlexYes. What? Okay, hold on. Let me. Oh, ow, ow. Is it because I have too much nose hair and it's like getting trapped in there? I feel like I'm not inhaling it. It's just getting stuck there. oh oh nope it's dripping down the back of my throat there we go okay here it goes

Merlinoh boy i can't start to do without cutting myself

Alexoh holy shit the yeah too far the vix vapor rub though that are not it's not it it says vapo and hey the vapo inhale um that feels like it did something i don't know what it did

Merlinbut yeah i i still think like for an actual way to clean out your nose i still feel like that arm and hammer saline is really good yeah but do you get what i said i think i said this last week in the after show how this is a little like carmex to me in the sense of like you could see how

Alexsomebody could get dependent on this oh my god my head hurts so much right now um which part which part of your head uh i mean i i the sinus parts the the two sides so i can only assume that it's

Merlinbecause i'm i'll do another one here we go vigorously sniffing oh boy oh oh oh oh oh those i like i like it but i don't think it actually does much but it feels like it does

Alexsomething oh i let me okay this is tropical oh no nasty no no no i gotta warn you buddy no

Merlinoh god it's like getting water bored with a fruity drink oh my god yeah oh okay i i don't even want to you're gonna be tasting that all day i'm gonna go ahead and predict you're gonna barf

Alexi think you will barf no this feels like something would make you barf it does well i i actually brought um here i got my i got my trash can in case that happens because i don't have okay that's great i just want to be careful you know no i don't want to pull a tube in

Show notes

Transcript

209. Sympathy Dick

Show notes

Transcript

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