207. They Scouts

AlexThis is Do By Friday, a weekly challenge podcast. This week's challenge, celebrate Coxmas.

Hello. Hello. I won again. I didn't say anything on the call before you did.

MerlinYou did win again. Good job, buddy.

AlexI gotta take them where I can these days.

MerlinReally? Why is that?

AlexI mean, it's been a big week. And for me, today, Wednesday, is an optimistic day. I feel like both of us are kind of going through a reckoning of projects and project managements

Merlinand me losing my mind.

AlexI don't want to speak for you, but I think you've, I think you lost your mind and then you put it back together again.

MerlinLost my mind? I rule. What are you talking about?

AlexNo, no, no. Like, well, by lost it, you-

MerlinOh, you mean I'm more like losing my religion. Yeah.

AlexOh, I haven't watched it. Are you saying that you want to recommend the Netflix show Song Exploder? Song Exploder?

MerlinYou want to start the show, Alex?

AlexI don't.

MerlinI don't assume. My God.

AlexDon't assume people know what that is. Are you?

MerlinI am really adrift right now. It's very early. Yes. Well, we can talk about that. We can talk about our own, our personal, our private reckonings. Because, you know, it feels like complaining, but it's not really complaining. It's more like a way of saying, like, I don't know, whatever. Save it for the show. We can talk about that. But before that, we've got some very important other matters here. Alex, I think you know you get a permanent pass for whatever it is you need in life. Because unlike my worst friend, John Syracuse, you're one of my best friends. And I want to be generous and beneficial.

I'm not here to, as the youth say, drag you from needing to delay. But I do need to make sure I can verify a quote. And I might need you to address it a little bit.

AlexI will try.

MerlinMay I read it? May I read it to you and then you can talk about it?

AlexPlease do.

MerlinIf you're comfortable with this. Yes, yes. We can have Quinn cut it out.

AlexNo, do it. Do it. Go ahead. Go right ahead.

MerlinAlexander contacted me earlier to say that they would need to start a little bit later. And I said, of course. I think I actually literally said, of course, that's no problem at all. And you said that your landlord, who we call Dougie, had shown up at your home yet again. And at this point, I'm just grateful that we're like 15 to 1 in terms of how often we deal with a landlord. Woof. And apparently Dougie said to you, I'm quoting here, your table moved. Why? Oh. Oh, I'll be right back, unquote.

AlexAnd this was at 10.35 a.m. I texted you, oh, I think literally five minutes before he had arrived. And I'm like, I am just going to assume, as with all landlords, this visit is going to take longer than I would assume.

MerlinDid they take a special class on being confusing? because, and they're not even confusing in a way, landlords are not even confusing in a way that's sensible to me. It's sometimes I just, I have what I think is going to be a normal conversation with my landlord adjacent people and I feel like an Oliver Sacks patient. I feel like there's something I'm, my mind, my chemistry, my pipes and wires is incapable of grokking about what is happening right now.

AlexYeah.

MerlinDo you get that? Like, why are you here? What are you doing? Why are you doing this instead of that, that, that, and that? And why are you mumbling so much? Is Dougie a mumbler? Mine's a mumbler.

AlexNo, he is loud.

MerlinOh, no.

AlexBefore.

MerlinSir Dougie the loud.

AlexYeah, I used to have mumbly landlords because they're like, oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.

MerlinAnd also your rent is going up.

AlexBut I think as we've talked before about Dougie, this is his first property that he's owned to rent out.

MerlinYou're his practice. His practice.

AlexHe's practicing tenant and landlord life on me. And so this, this, uh, on, on our back door this morning, I get a large, uh, and keep, keep in mind that our back door is where the poop sphere for the cats live, which is our electronic litter box, which I'm just, yep. Let's just keep on moving past that one. Um, and yours worked.

Merlinand and uh i he then back back back door and then like i don't want without compromising your opsec you primarily use your front door i assume with his permission but you also have a back door is that going to be a door that takes you to like a like a garbage area a common area yard area a

Alexgarage is the back door is more of a service area yes it is it is the walk upstairs area or the open air walk upstairs that like chicago doesn't legally require you to have fire escapes but they require you to have some sort of stairs oh i see yeah i can they call them chicago steps

Merlinthat's the fire strategy chicago's never had a problem with fires they got rid of the cows and lanterns and now uh mrs o'leary is the landlord there's just there's just one there's just one it was a while ago mrs o'leary okay okay okay do the sound again what was the sound of the that you heard at the door?

AlexI don't even remember.

MerlinI think you went... I love that. Okay, keep going. I'm sorry. I don't want to commentate on the whole thing, but you are great at this, and this is a great part of the show.

AlexHe just knocks weird, so it's hard to replicate. Normally, it's an... This is how a normal knock sounds, right? Even as an aggressive knock, that is like, please let me in, but it's like...

Merlinwhen every time he does it it's like one and two and yeah yeah that's that's that's a good knock

Alexyou know what i mean like i'll need an adam neely video to explain to me like what time he is

Merlinknocking in you should get a rick beato uh video so he can show you how he knows it on guitar that's for you siracusa um so um so okay so you and what did you go oh yeah i i uh rush

Alexout from my bedroom slash office. And he's, of course, already opened the door and pushed our cat box out of... Oh, yeah. Wait, wait. He just...

MerlinHe knocked and then came in?

AlexOh, this is not a new development. I expect that, like...

MerlinYou are fucking kidding me. What a monster.

AlexThis isn't an uncommon thing.

MerlinWhat if you were jacking your mean bone? Like, what...

AlexHe would have a lot of questions. I think he would just... He would be like, hmm.

MerlinOh, you need, you need, I think we got a project. We got Project Scare Off Dougie. I'm seeing you nude. I'm seeing you maybe oiled up, doing some kind of a dance in problematic headgear.

Something, you know, burning sage and shit. It's a woman ritual. You wouldn't understand.

AlexI have considered trying out sort of like a landlord face type of deal, like culturally appropriating landlordism and kind of putting on a you turn the table you see turn the tables on dougie yeah like like put on uh ill-fitting levi's and i i have many a button up plaid shirt obviously but then a tool belt of some sort that's outfitted with confusing tools that just like i i don't know like a spatula like a hand a hand drill an asp yeah yeah maybe you

No, maybe you throw some sex toys on there. Who knows?

MerlinSee, I didn't want to go there, Alexandra, but I'm just thinking that knock comes and you're just dead-eye, full-on eye contact, and you're standing there literally nude with a giant fucking strapple. And then maybe kind of doing like an I'm a naughty little boy dance.

Who's ready for dinner.

AlexNever, never in my life have I wanted to be...

MerlinDon't break eye contact. This could be you. If you quit playing.

AlexNever, never thought I want to be naked in front of a, I'm going to assume he is a cis man.

MerlinLife is a highway. You got to ride it all night long. You never know what's going to come along.

AlexYes, and I was like, what? How could I make this man just incredibly uncomfortable? And it's exactly that. Like, both Matthew and I, my spouse, who used to have boobs, no longer has boobs, and, you know, has scars where the boobs used to be. And then, you know, this stretch marked wife who just is like, are you a lesbian? Are you, what's happening? And just standing there.

MerlinI don't, Alex, I don't even know how to be confused about you. I'm going to leave now and I apologize for knocking.

AlexAnd I don't think, I don't know if he knows my name, actually. He definitely knows Matt's name.

MerlinMy landlord called me by the wrong name for 10 years. He called me Charles for 10 years.

AlexHuh.

MerlinYeah, took that rent check every month. But yeah, called me Charles.

AlexWas your name on the check?

MerlinSee, this is how they get you. I think this is how they get you. This is part of the whole, the fog of war. The whole way that you keep your tenant confused is you just do things that make no sense. and then you do the things that make no sense on a very erratic basis with no warning and no apparent goal in sight. Our roof is leaking, but thanks a lot for removing a bush from the backyard. That's why you came out here to remove one bush? That's really odd. There's all these other things we could really use some help with.

Okay, thanks. Thanks for coming.

AlexHe seems like a well-meaning person, But after he has come into our kitchen, well, he's half in the kitchen because, you know, the back door, I'm trying to paint a word picture here. His head and half his torso are in our kitchen from the back door and said, this wasn't a question.

MerlinDoes he do the John Mulaney? Does he go knock, knock?

AlexI wish.

MerlinYou wish.

Alexi was i mean he's he's no horse in a hospital let's i'll give him that uh but but you know

Merlinhe's still learning i mean this is the point you know you're like if he were a resident you would be the orange that he keeps putting the hypodermic needle into you're the orange you do

Alexthat i mean i have an easy laugh but i did indeed drop my phone at that one uh but i hope it's in the case oh follow up for the after show about this phone case for the show ready yeah oh we don't even have a doc this week i am i have a doc i just don't send it to you because it's auto

Merlinshared oh oh see this is another after show thing we've been doing this show for 11 years oh my god

Alexi believe it's 28 but you know well it turns out uh but but uh so he's like your table moved uh The table moved. Why?

MerlinWhy?

AlexAnd there's, I should have put, I know you don't like when I put ellipses in my texts, but no one does.

MerlinBut they're there for a reason, it makes sense. If we haven't texted in a day and you begin a text to me with an ellipsis and then say, are you watching this? And then I say, what are you talking about? As though you're completing a thought from a moment. I'm sorry, go ahead. It's your story. The table moved. Oh, why? I'll be right back. and then he left goodbye you little mermaid can go fuck yourself the books are in la jolla i'm not gonna go get him goodbye your table moved why oh i'll be right back yes so um he comes back

Alexapproximately 30 seconds later and says did you just lose your power and i was like no uh we haven't had any power outages since the storm he's like was he in your home when he asked that yes

Merlinhe came he came back he seems like there would be context clues he could pick up about whether or

Alexnot the power was on you would think i mean the lights were off and well if it's if it's dark and the hitachi's not running then we know power off i mean to his credit the i i we we have hue bulbs and those confused him for a long time um and sometimes he talks to a lady in the tube without permission wait he talks to your lady in your tube yes well and and i i should say this is

Merlinthe lady in the does he go in your bathroom and leave a mud pie this guy really just makes himself

Alexat home he won't go in our bathroom we have mold we have mold to the point of like we we got like red eyes you know like the the like you probably really shouldn't yeah yeah um but again i know this is like uh that that's fine for alex type of thing but this is like a pretty common thing in chicago like there are people listening to this that who are like rolling their eyes like you haven't you got a good dude and are you talking about talking about mold um just this entire story the the entire Dougie scenario so he has uh as I mentioned sometimes he will

shout out to our lady in the tube but really it's the lady in the box the echo show is it the like Amazon that's and and that is Maddie's lady in the box because he does all the cooking and whatnot so you know what if he were to go after my British Siri butler I'd be like okay This guy's got to take one for the team.

MerlinI mean, it just feels very invasive to me. It's almost like a power move, like that episode of Sherlock, where the guy eats off the lady's plate and then licks her face. It seems a little familiar to talk to somebody's tube person.

AlexI just don't want anybody touching my spouse's box without his permission. Is that so hard to ask? I don't think so.

MerlinNo, no. I think that's in the Bill of Rights. Yeah. A quick follow-up.

AlexAll right. All right.

MerlinWhen Dougie entered your home after going conk-conk and came in and said your table moved, was it clear to you from the outset, A, what the fuck table he was talking about, and B, why that required his being there?

AlexNo. Well, I knew he was referring to our kitchen table, but it had moved in the sense that it is literally no longer in the apartment. and at that point he could see the entire apartment. So I guess he was right in saying that it has moved.

MerlinIs it his table? Is it furnished?

AlexOh, no, it is not his table. It was just...

MerlinWhy would he remark on your table? I don't know. You know, this guy's giving me a vibe, Alex. I'm not loving Dougie's comfort with stepping into your world and touching your partner's box with his voice.

AlexYeah, and it also just occurred to me that this is probably the first time Matt is realizing that his box has been talked to. But, you know, well, at least...

MerlinI could screw up the algorithm. That's going to mess up the recos.

AlexI know. I don't want the confusing. The Hue lights are on a very specific schedule that's do or do not work. But if they don't work, I want them to not work because I mess them up.

MerlinOh, I'm walking on the edge of a knife blade, my friend. I have to be extremely careful what I say to everything. I sometimes have to redo what I say to Hale. Like, for example, I have something where I'm leaving the office and I thought it would be canny. So when I talk to my lady in a box, I have a routine. I have lots of routines. I swear by routines. And one of my routines is when I leave the office, it starts with saying something to indicate that it was heard, which has been helpful to me.

Then it doesn't wait for five minutes. And so after five minutes, it turns off the lights, turns on the dehumidifier, and sets the alarm to be armed. And then I get a notification, you know, usually by the time I'm home that says, hey, everything worked out great. Now, I used to say, I always try to pick the most intuitive thing that I could say to the box to make it work. In this case, I said, hey, dingus, the female Amazon lady, I said, hey, dingus, going home. Now, you can immediately see the problem here.

Because the phrase go home is a term of art on that platform.

AlexOh, yeah.

MerlinSo if you've got a – so we're talking here about Echo. If you yell, hey, dingus, stop, it will stop playing what it's playing. It will stop saying what it's saying. In my case, if I'm watching me some Hulu here at my desk on my show, view, Echo, bomb, whatever it's called.

AlexI truly – like I'm not trying to be cute. I truly don't know what they're all called.

Merlinand it's called the i've got the uh the big nice one at my desk echo show five i think or no echo show five is the little one i've got anyhow i say so it's playing some nicole wallace or what have you and i yell out hey dingus stop and sometimes it hears me sometimes it doesn't i'm discovering that the hail word increasingly must be separated maybe it's just that i've gotten too comfortable with it and i slur it but sometimes i have to go dingus stop and then when it's ready it does pause and then what do you follow that with you say hey dingus go home so you do that

on any device the stopping makes it stop and then go home makes it return to the home screen or its normal state you're basically saying close this session log out you follow so I'd say to my dingus going home and I think it got confused because it thought I was saying go home and so now I say hey dingus here I go which always makes me want to sing that song from Deadpool

AlexOh, interesting.

MerlinI've tried them all. I had one where I said, dap, dap, dap, dap, dap, where I was just trying to come up with nonsense, nonce words that didn't mean anything. But that one works. But if I say the wrong thing, boy, you can cause a lot of, there's consequences. And you get a man barging into your house and talking about your table, talking to your partner's box. I am not loving that. That feels like something where you should be able to go to an, what do you got there, an alderman. You should go to an alderman and get to file something.

Alexdon't talk about my table don't talk to the box i don't i we also no longer have it have a table but yeah i'll save it for the show uh and but there is a silver lining to this very long interaction we had which uh by interaction i just mean i kind of watched him walk around the building a few times and stare at it and uh it it turns out actually that like squirrels had bitten probably squirrels had uh chomped on like the side of wires and uh he's like i was just checking

if any of the power was cut or if they were just legacy wires and i don't know what legacy wires

Merlinare and i don't want to know legacy legacy wires okay i like i'm writing that down that's good yeah this is not this is not these aren't smart wires these are legacy it's a feature wire yeah

Alexwe've got like the cap 0.5 I don't know

MerlinGod this makes you really want to write maybe not a book but at least a pamphlet maybe I should start a sub stack

Alexoh fucking sub stack I'm sorry

Merlincheck it out on sub stack

Alexsorry to interrupt yep yep

Merlinno no no I need to be interrupted but like there's phenomena that as we talk about this I have all these Oprah memories about like things that have always been this way like one of them that's so strange to me I've never quite figured out is no landlord anymore I guess bothers to tell you they're coming to do a thing or to schedule to do a thing. Because why would somebody with a family want to be able to schedule when some kind of a procedure starts for three weeks at the house? Whatever. Set it aside.

But there's a final, I remember first noting this in 1991, I feel like, maybe earlier. But did you ever get this, this is almost like a, what do you want to call this? A pattern, right? Or like in the sense of software and architecture, or you could see this as like a Joseph Campbell myth thing. But there's a thing that happens, which is your landlord. First of all, somebody, usually a pickup truck, usually a white pickup truck, somebody you don't know arrives at your house and either parks in the driveway or nearby and just stands outside your house.

One, sometimes two people, but usually there's the guy, like a guy. Okay. Mm-hmm.

AlexThe guy. The guy.

MerlinYes. Well, yeah. Yeah, but it also could be a guy. Like, our most recent one of these, we had a guy, which is weird. And there's a guy. Now, who is that guy? What's his deal? It's never a lady. It's always a guy. It could be a guy of color a lot of the time. But there's somebody out there in some kind of, like, I'm ready to go be the working boy clothes and a pickup truck. And they stand there. And I don't want to be a weirdo. I don't want to go, why are you here? Because that's, what, am I next door? But you wait. And then, of course, eight to 14 minutes later, the titular landlord shows up.

They go stand with the guy. They look at the house outside, usually. They point. And then they talk. And then they're gone.

And I don't know. This has happened to me for years. And sometimes you find out later, oh, you know, we're getting an estimate to, like, polish the sconce or whatever. But, like, frequently, I don't know what's happening. I don't know if they're like targeting a missile at the window. I don't know. They're certainly not going to fix that leak. And they're nowhere near the bush they like to remove. Did you ever get this? So you ever get these things where you're like, there's a weird pattern that repeats beyond just one landlord and one landlord experience. They inhabit this world of mystery that I don't understand why they're there now,

let alone what they do for the rest of the day. But is this their whole day is being like a fucking haunted doll and showing up at their tenant's house and pointing? What are you doing?

AlexI mean, I've gotten this. Absolutely. And I have always gotten the line from not just Dougie, but every landlord when whether it be like, like a landlord of the people, shall we say? I don't know someone someone who's not like trying to evict people during COVID. or like to the like fancy pants person who is just there to make sure that their boss is happy. But they're standing by the like Richard Scary worker person

Merlinwho is actually helpful. Yes, yes.

AlexAnd then the Richard Scary guy is like, I'm just here to check something. And then goes about his day, which you know what, to be fair, that-

MerlinWhat the fuck? What are you, an MI6? Can't you use mouth words to say the reason you're at the place I live?

AlexWell, I, I, but that's, that's the thing. Richard, I don't know what Richard Scarry, I don't know what the Richard Scarry guys jobs are, you know, like because they just stand and they, they look. And most, most recently they came, one guy came in and he just looked at our water heater and went, hmm, all right, I'll go fix that. And then left. I was like, okay, this is, this is just how it is. And then Dougie will try to explain what's wrong. and again if you think my stories are confusing it's just a whole you know what maybe maybe this

is like a psyop thing and he's just trying to beat me at my own game maybe i confuse him

Merlinor maybe maybe he's testing you to become the anchorman oh maybe maybe this is like the vetting process that will make john roderick the liaison the one who liaises with the uh with the grays maybe Dougie oh shit dog you know what you're Obi-Wan that's the thing he's Liam Neeson you don't know it yet but you're being prepped you're being prepped to become maybe not a Jedi but perhaps a junior

AlexI mean if I get to burn it's not I'm not saying that I wish harm on him or want to burn him in a pyre but isn't that what happened and have a young

Merlinhe has a bad day he has a very very bad day Anakin does whenever my daughter and I watch that because she loves that movie we still watch it we say wow he's having a really really bad day first he loses the sword fight and then he loses of course it's George Lucas who can't finish unless somebody loses a limb and then he loses three if memory serves and then he kind of falls in the way his garment is lightly set on fire by the lava This is all covered in blank check.

AlexOh, this is the third. Sorry, now we are talking about Revenge of the Sith?

MerlinYes. There we go. Yes, and then Nurse Paddles is there to deliver the babies. No, spoilers, doesn't go great.

AlexWow, for someone who doesn't like Children in Peril, that sure is a scene. I'm sorry, spoilers.

MerlinYeah, and then Bail Organa says, I'll take the girl.

AlexOh, God.

MerlinOkay, so, okay. Anyway, we're going to write a book about this, maybe an e-book. Alexandra and I may start a sub stack. Be sure to hit that bell. We're going to be talking everything we know about landlords. One time I moved into a house and there was a turd in the toilet. La, la, la.

AlexOh, no.

MerlinAnd an onion in the fridge. Onion in the fridge, onion in the crisper, a turd in the toilet. Chicken in the bread pan picking out dough. So I wasn't loving that. It feels like a harbinger. Like when you enter a house and there's a poop and a half onion, one in the crisper, one in the bowl, one does not feel welcome.

AlexNo, no, no. It's it also feels like a test.

MerlinSo, OK, so so you're the junior landlord. He's the senior landlord, but he's maybe not like full on Jedi Council because he's still he's he's not a Padawan, but he's still got a lot to learn. He brings you on as as you grow your braid. You become a junior landlord. Now, the guy, who's the guy? Is the guy like, what's the guy's place in the Jedi Order?

AlexHuh.

MerlinIs that just like, oh, is that a Boba Fett? It might be a Boba Fett.

AlexNo, Boba Fett. Oh, no, no, no, no. Don't you dare compare.

MerlinSorry.

AlexNo, no.

MerlinSlap it out of my whole mouth. Triggered.

AlexTriggered. Oh, my God.

MerlinTriggered.

AlexOh, my God.

MerlinWhat, you hate Boba Fett? Who doesn't like Boba Fett?

AlexNo, I love, no, exactly. No, no, he does not deserve. Exactly. These people do not deserve to be spoken of in the same.

MerlinOh, you're saying the guy, the guy with the white pickup truck, he has not, you just haven't earned it yet, baby. That's what you're saying?

AlexYeah, no, no, no.

MerlinYeah, yeah. Yeah, you're right.

AlexNo, no.

MerlinStill love thinking of you as a junior landlord. Maybe I'm thinking of it as a cross between like investment and Girl Scouts or They Scouts. I see you having merit badges that you will earn for They Scouts. And then you move up and you become like a full silver beaver, you know? You become like an eagle in Eagle Day.

AlexI am an expert in beavers. But this story has a happy-

MerlinWhat about Nutria?

AlexOh, I love. Their teeth are so cute. Did I make you love them? I love them so much. I mean, they're like pandas. They're a human disaster, basically.

MerlinPandas are the best. Did you see the baby? Have you seen the baby panda? Which one? Have you seen it?

AlexAnother one.

MerlinThe one at the... Oh, man. You know, you're like Chili the Elf Who Cannot Love. I don't understand why you have such a problem with pandas. I don't have a problem with pandas. And yet you can suffer. You do. You have a problem. And yet you suffer the smooth brain of the manatee. An animal that can't even get away from a boat. They just sit around and eat fucking cabbage in an estuary. The fuck?

AlexAll the pandas do are, like, they could.

MerlinSo they fall over on their behind.

AlexThey could eat anything. They're omnivores. But they're just, they've been bred to be super tasters. Oh, okay. That's a very, see, okay.

MerlinLook at the little feet. Look at the little feet.

AlexThe picture of the panda you have sent me.

MerlinI'll put it in notes. I'll put it in notes. Alex, where would people find our show notes for episode 207 of your Dubai Friday program?

AlexThat would be DubaiFriday.com slash 207. Yes. Yes. That is some.

MerlinHoly shit. You got it in one. Yeah, I know.

AlexRight. Right. I've been practicing the URLs and Twitter names.

MerlinOh, look at the little, you see a little, look at the little toenails. It looks like a little, it's a tiny little bear claw. Look how cute.

AlexThat is an animal that would instantly die in the wild. That.

MerlinThat's why you get a mom.

Alexthat's that's why this this this little precious angel the sweet sweet precious angel should be protected at all costs in somebody's home because this is not an animal design for the wild anymore

Merlinyes you're right you're right and let's be honest you look at it and it's it's not quite a slider but it's maybe in a mousse bouche i could i could eat this thing in two minutes oh yes i'm not even

Alexhungry and i could do it and and this is also probably a like few maybe a week or two old panda

MerlinThis is the one that was born at the zoo, the National Zoo, which is a great zoo.

AlexOh, is it like an actual good zoo and not a sad zoo? I always worry now.

MerlinOh, my God. The panda area there is great. Oh, it's a very, compared to our zoo? Come on. Ours looks like a warehouse. It's a warehouse where animals just haven't figured out how to leave. The National Zoo is amazing and sprawling. When you walk from exhibit to exhibit, you pass through these verdant paths and like, ah, this is this area. and like it's really nice. You can see the crate that they brought over the panda from China in back in the day. It's really nice. I got photos. I'll send you photos of my kid with the panda.

AlexI look forward to visiting this in like 2035. This looks like a lovely place.

MerlinYeah, that'll be nice. By then this panda will be, you know, might be making other pandas. I don't want to be normative, panda normative.

AlexI mean, that's the thing that this panda's panda, this panda's panda's panda could, if we play our cards right.

MerlinBuffalo, buffalo, buffalo.

Alexanyway my landlord saw that i had hung a gigantic calendar on the wall uh it was actually sparky's like focused calendar uh it's like you know big calendar of the year 2020 sparky's focused calendar is that an elephant six band what does that mean it is a big ass calendar i

Merlindon't know it it's a sparky a stripper what is that david sparks of mac power users made made a

Alexbig old calendar it's just one big sheet of paper but i put it on like poster board and stuck it on the wall with command strips and he goes oh that thing is super cool and i was like ah yes it is and i was like wait was he what was the no hanging things on the wall thing a test has this has this just been a mind game? So now, yep.

MerlinIt's like, it's like, what is it? It's like, I don't want to spoil anything, but like maybe like Ender's game or maybe like, oh, oh, I got it. I got it. Men in Black. Men in Black. You know what I mean? What do these have in common? What they have in common is, you know, or Kobayashi Maru on the Star Trek, which is like, you think you're being tested for this thing, but like all these other suckers aren't going to make it because you realize that you're doing something deeper here. We need you to not do what you're told.

In order, so like, you know, of course that makes Spock a little bit sad. It's the Kelvin universe. I don't have a strong opinion. But Spock is mad because Kirk cheated and then ate some hand fruit, right? You got Ender. I think Ender's the one where the water fills up the area and he's got to get people out. I think in the same movie,

Alexis that a different movie? No, it's a different movie. That's the one with children.

MerlinOh, you know what that one is? It was a Kingsman. It's one of those were like but you know again classic kingsman or or you know again uh kirk you know uh joining uh the starfleet academy at all you want somebody who's gonna buck the system i'm here to say i would not be surprised to find out as as a as a they scout or a junior landlord dougie is looking for you to assert yourself so maybe you should beat the shit out of him and that will

Alexmake you both respect each other yeah i mean that's the new strap-on situation i guess i'm

Merlingoing to go for. You hit him with the strap on until he understands. This is my house now. I'm the command strip.

Dugga Dugga Dugga Dugga Dugga Challenge. Challenge this week has got to be the most, it's the most wonderful time of the year.

AlexWe got...

MerlinAlex, tell people what the challenge is.

AlexI just want to say that we got 32 minutes in, and I think the president is still alive. And that's all.

MerlinWhat happened? What happened?

AlexI don't know. I just really expected the president to be dead by the time that we recorded this.

MerlinOh, I see. He's having some times.

AlexCan I just say...

MerlinSay anything you want. This is a nominally safe space.

AlexIn this safe space, the little one-act play of Trump walking from the helicopter after he arrived home. He went from his...

MerlinThe people's house.

AlexYep, yep. He got to the White House and walked up the steps in the funny... I don't know. God. this is the funniest fucking video I've ever seen

Merlinit was excruciating

Alexit was like a fascism fail like I know it both terrified me

Merlinif you're a really good fascist you should be able to breathe and not need a second take

Alexyeah I just

Merlinsecond take was rough

Alexhow can you

Merlinthe saluting you know me my love language is a doctor using extremely specific terminology to describe things. It's really fun to watch. And the various doctors going like, no, his neck, his neck muscles indicate that he's not breathing normally. That's classic struggling to breathe stuff. He's clearly wincing when he puts the mask in his pocket, like all that stuff, to get up there and project strength and be able to salute. And then he needs a second take of entering the White House.

AlexWhoa, wait, wait, wait. Wait, really? Whoa, oh my goodness. See, this is what...

MerlinWell, first of all, the way that he lingered, basically, if you go and watch that bizarre, actually, I think fairly, I'd love your opinion, fairly well shot bullshit campaign ad. I think it's well done for what it is. Of course, what it is is terrible. But yeah, they had to get coverage. So I think. So why is he standing up on the Truman balcony for so long, you know, doing his Mussolini impersonation? Well, I think they're getting coverage.

AlexOh.

Merlinand then the shot of him with his mask off entering you can go roll back the video it was forensically uh forensically dissected on several cable news stations much to my delight he takes off his mask he's he's the strong boy now and he's going to go triumphantly re-enter his house and he walks walks through you can see in the background blurry but there camera people sorry video people still photograph people and he is unmasked and i guess somebody either didn't like it, wanted a second take,

nor wanted different coverage. He walked back out, turned around, and re-entered.

AlexOh, see, I interpreted that as like a, what he saw as an encore, but I also have not, well, until last night, was not on Twitter too much.

MerlinAn encore nobody asked for.

AlexYeah. Did someone say Freebird?

MerlinI feel like I heard Freebird.

AlexI didn't shed enough of the, He didn't completely shoot his load far enough, so he needed another one.

MerlinOh, so yeah. I mean, like at this point, I'm amazed that there aren't more people. Now, there's things we don't talk about, Alex, as you know. There's things we save for the show, and there's things that we save for the slack. And the thing that I said yesterday is it's starting to feel like if this were a game of Clue, this would be feeling like Endgame. Because the faces on the New York Times page for this. And if you're following along at home and you're, let's say, very concerned about the welfare of all these people and you want to make sure who's well and who's not, it does become a little bit like a bingo card, like a human bingo card.

And there are a few slots still open that I find difficult to believe. I'm speaking in a coded way. Do you know what I mean?

AlexDo you mean mother?

MerlinHow is Bill Barr not sick? How is Pence?

AlexOh, he's definitely.

MerlinWell, like I predicted, I think Pence and Barr are both have had it for days. No question. Because go look at the card. Go look at the card. I mean, go look at the... So basically, we'll put this in notes. And this will be different by the time this comes out on Thursday, October 8th. Absolutely. Absolutely. Absolutely. Well, did you see more press office as of today? Even more press office?

AlexNo, but I expected it. And I wanted... On the bingo card, Pence should just be a free space.

MerlinHe should be the middle space. Give us that.

AlexCome on. I mean, that's what I... He is quite a competent person for what he wants to accomplish, and he terrifies the shit out of me.

MerlinYeah, show me the lie. I totally agree with you. I totally agree with you. Yeah. This is a page called Tracking the White House Coronavirus Outbreak, and I will put it into notes. And they did a, I mean, I think they want to say they did a good job. It's not just that what they provided here is very useful, but it's very clear. So basically they're saying that starting with, what did they start with? Beautiful map showing where the president traveled at the times that are relevant, starting with Friday, September 25th, travel to Atlanta and Washington from Florida.

And then you see the faces of who was involved with that. You see Donald J. Trump and his son-in-law, the haunted doll. And that goes all the way through flights for Minnesota events above Air Force One on September 30th. And it's very visually. So visually, they'll show a little avatar, a little icon of the person. if they tested positive for covid it gets a yellow background and a red circle if they have not yet i didn't like to say tested negative if they have not yet positive they get a kind of mint

background with a green border and i'm just here to say man there are some events where there's just there are some events where it's just giuliani that hasn't gotten it although apparently he wasn't present a lot all the time at things but i mean bar was hugging people like like he was on fucking molly he was just going around hugging fucking everybody and fist bumping yeah the only

Alexthing i can sort of uh not not hope but well no i i hope that i never get close to giuliani in my lifetime and if i had to hug or just touch either person i would rather touch bill bart than rudy

Merlinoh no question about it i i used to i used to smoke cigars i used to smoke cigars and i'm aware of what it smells like to be around somebody who smokes cigars. But also for some reason, something about his fingers and his rings, I bet it smells like a bathing suit area on his hands. And that like alongside the cigar smell, you know, and that smile, those teeth.

AlexWait, that's a smile. I'm thinking about it in my mind. more of a grimace yeah yeah oh god it's like the light bulb went out when in last week in the after show i finally heard myself say challenge and oh wow i say i do i do i say it weird

Merlinwhen you listen back to this one you're gonna hear keyelender Keylander. Keylander.

AlexOh my god.

MerlinChallenge! dig dog challenge yeah Merry Coxmas everybody is that how you say it do you say Merry Coxmas

Alexhappy well I like to do a happy Coxmas because I don't know why but I do know maybe I say Merry Coxmas I don't know it's your holiday it's your holiday it's it's a pan-religious pan it is and I can change the name whenever I've won I want I've decided because this is the stupidest fucking thing I've ever done and for some people for some reason people like it so what Coxmas is or or was uh like in I don't even remember the first time and I delete

my tweets but i i was at a family party and very bored and uncomfortable so i i just tweeted like uh hey what's what uh what's on people's home screens because i just like people didn't really talk about apps so much or rather like it's not like everybody used fantastical you know um oh yeah for sure and it was just like super fun to learn about new reddit clients and like uh yeah

MerlinI mean, it's absolutely not interesting at all to me. But is it analogous to looking at somebody's record collection or their books? Is it kind of like that? Or the video games, I guess, would be comics. You can go and learn what somebody is enthusiastic about. It could be what they're proud of. It could be what they regard as just from a logical, rational standpoint. Like, oh, that's interesting. You've organized your kitchen that way because that's the way that you like to roll. And so in the case of a phone, it becomes an interesting little viewport into how that person thinks. Is that it?

AlexYeah, it's like people have voluntarily asked me, OK, please examine my bookshelf after we've gone on this date while I go to the bathroom. And then I get to like poke around and I get to see that, for example, lots of people really like having Facebook Messenger on their phone, which is fine. But then sort of cocksmas evolved. I don't know when the hashtag happened. And I was and still am young and obnoxious.

But it became kind of a running bit that I would just tell people how ugly their home screens were. Because to my taste, they were really, really ugly and had ugly icons and stupid apps.

MerlinAnd it was funny because it's a little bit out of character for you to be like the Don Rickles of iOS.

AlexI would say hopefully that it is somewhat out of character for me to be mean and spiteful, except for the past week, perhaps on Twitter. But then, you know, it's just this dumb, fun thing that I do every year when I've gotten comfortable and sad at family parties. And then this year when iOS 14 was released, we got widgets on iOS. What would you even call a widget, Merlin?

I was actually taking notes on this and I'm like, what would I call it?

MerlinI would say a widget is a user customizable area of usually app or service functionality that you could, at various sizes and places, you can put it in places where it would be useful to you to have access to information or functionality without needing to launch an app. It also could be about things like status. It could be things like what's the weather, what's this, just show me a photo that makes me happy. But a widget is just a little chunk of funk.

Alexyou asked sorry for that plus oh boy uh yeah and and i think the key part there was uh what did you say like user generated or you you can customize them or like i mean you don't have

Merlinyou don't have endless control over it but as you'll see with mine i guess if you want to see it like i like having that little photo show up on my whatever it's called jump jump jump dash or whatever. I like having that photo. I like a smart stack. And then there are going to be some people who, I guess the kind of people who get updates in Slack, where you want to know about something going on. And you want that to persistently be, like for example, Jason Snell, he sent his in, I believe. He has a weather station at his house. And I'll bet you that the little small size widget

is his weather station, which he wants to know what that is. They have pretty severe weather swings where he lives. So, but it's neat because, I mean, there's a million ways to look at it, I feel like. But, you know, this, I don't want to hijack your topic, but widgets were an instant hit from my point of view. And I, and then this is even before we got into the whole, like, how you can trick out your homepage. But yeah. And then what are some other things that came with iOS 14?

AlexI don't, wait, I don't know. Hold on.

MerlinWell, did you get any, did you get, well, like my, my kid with, with her Dr. McCoy custom icons? You and your cat icon? That's new. That's all new.

AlexThat's new. Save it for the after show. What? What are you talking about? What? Oh, that. Oh, God. Here we go.

MerlinCan I just have a co-host that just wants to record a show?

AlexNo. You've done this to yourself, really?

MerlinI've done nothing to myself. I started doing things to myself at the age of 13 and I restricted it to one kind of thing. apart from learning to tune a guitar please continue

Alexi i i see what you're saying that there was the ability to have a custom icons um through

Merlinshortcuts you can use shortcuts to make like essentially an alias that's the launch shortcuts but if you want a kitty cat icon or a leonard mccoy uh icon you can make that now and i i

Alexhe actually thought that we always had this or well we had sort of a version of it because i haven't been able to stand the kindle app since it was released because of the little boy you don't like the boy on the icon i don't like the little boy under the tree it's creepy i don't like his silhouette he looks like the kid from um oh what's the i'm sorry i know syracusea won't that too but the the creepy game with where he's like a shadow and there's spiders i don't know It's just upsetting.

MerlinOh, like Edith Finch?

AlexActually, I think it's- Shadow of the Colossus? No, no. I'm going to be so upset, but I'll figure it out in show notes.

MerlinThat's okay. That's okay. I take your point. But there's been the running joke for years, which is check marks, right? So you get envelopes for mail apps. You get check marks for productivity apps or task list apps. and then there's some real ugly icons out there. Let's just say that. And now people can change that. So my kid figured out how to do that, probably from TikTok. It was well before we get into stuff like Widget Smith, which is miraculous. So Coxmas is here.

Alexandra invited our listeners to present to them iPhone screens for evaluation on the holiest of days.

Alexand I this was mostly inspired by me being getting a little bee in my bonnet over god it was like tone policing for home screens Jesus fucking Christ let people oh god

MerlinI can't believe Apple let people make things ugly

Alexdiscourse I got a little feisty about it this like god just let people

Merlinhave things can't people just have fun why why does why does everything have to be a whole thing in the year of our lord 2020 can you just have you just have a few things you don't need to have

Alexa fucking opinion about like currently apple is in the antitrust fuck shit just bonanza but no let's yeah like let's be like home screens are ugly all right um my suggestion is this you pick

Merlinthe ones you want. I'm going to be, so this is a role that I often have at birthday parties, at various events. This is a life hack. One person there, well, first of all, you need to have the person, usually a dad, who brings out the giant contractor bag to put all the wrapping paper in. That is my role. Another role that I often have at parties, and this is, somebody needs to have this role every bridal shower, baby shower, birthday party. Somebody needs to write down what the gift was and who it came from. And then you can refer to that later when you end up never sending thank you notes.

But at least now you've got an accounting of it. So I'm going to write, with your permission, as you review the screens of the Cucks, if you would share with me the name or handle of that person, I will keep a list so we know how to gather these to share later. Does that make sense?

AlexYes. And I'm going to share the first one.

MerlinOh, can I ask you one more question?

AlexYes.

MerlinIf you can say. I don't want to take it off. So I popped in, and it looked like you got kind of a bunch of these.

AlexYeah. Would you like to know how I...

MerlinI was going to ask how you decided which ones you're here to discuss for whatever reason. What was your sort of, I don't know, your codex? How did you decide what would be included in this Coxmas?

AlexOh, complete subjective unfair bias. however I did not include or look at anything that was not tagged with a hashtag ampersand number sign what is it called yeah a number number sign cocksmith called an octa octothorpe

Merlinis it really wow it's an octothorpe the thing the paragraph symbol is called a pilcrow that's a good

Alexone how did I know that but not octothorpe that's such a fun all right so it's official one for an

Merlinat symbol oh i should know this why is it that symbol uh oh no at symbol see when i was a kid

Alexyou only ever saw that on signs at like a butcher shop at symbol name do you notice i think it's

Merlincalled at well yeah what else would it be uh i don't know but i mean things have names ampersand it used to be like and tc and etc and that's why you don't put a comma before that oh oh you're

Alexlike the name of a thing yeah oh oh it's in i i'm not going to go down this unicode rabbit hole but i think you're right it does have a name um tell us on twitter i will definitely look at it and respond uh so i i only looked at the the ones that were properly tagged if you will uh i didn't include any that were android because you know what you did uh and didn't include i basically

did it by the times that they had come in as well as uh like the or the times they were submitted i don't know i went to latest on twitter it went to the bot like started at the bottom uh and then I just randomly picked my friends and was completely unfair about it. Does that answer your question?

MerlinOh, gosh, I love this. Would you like to start diving in? Who's your first victim?

AlexMy first voluntary victim is our own producer, Quinn Rose, who has what I would say one of the home screens that a lot of Apple fuck boys would call problematic, including me because this this is ugly as sin uh oh i forgot i excluded most people who had multiple home screens uh or submitted more than one home screen because i just wanted to see one uh but quinn included to her first and second home screen that it is all custom icons as well as

widgets from uh widgetsmith my new favorite app probably that's ever existed uh and except for shortcut whatever uh and and it's halloween themed with a background that has a low resolution of ghosts that are drawn a a single icon in the dock this is for for somebody you

Merlindon't you don't you do not need to have ocd to be upset by this oh god oh my god there's there's it's it's it's a little it's fun it's a little chaotic with that wallpaper i

AlexI know.

MerlinThe wallpaper is not like a standard repeating pattern. It's not one of those clever ones where it looks like your icons live on a shelf or something.

AlexNo.

MerlinBut it's fun. Quinn's having fun with it.

AlexYes. Quinn is a very clever person with, I think, very good opinions about aesthetics. And I was wrong about her home screen, but wow. I just she's done the thing that I've done, which is, you know, have custom icons. And what I really enjoy is that it is Halloween themed. That's fun because, you know, we have nothing to be happy about, or at least I have nothing to be happy about except home screens. So good on you, Quinn.

I don't know why you need to see a giant fucking picture of the moon. I don't even really know why that's in Widget Smith, but sure. OK.

MerlinDavid really seems to have a thing for astronomy. I don't know if this is part of your praxis, but will you be offering suggestions? Will you be giving tips?

AlexYeah. For the people who clearly wanted it or the people who will actually enjoy it, I think Quinn just wanted to make me upset and she succeeded.

MerlinHow did she do?

AlexWell, here's the thing. There's another on her on her like home screen. It had one of the larger with Widget Smith widgets.

MerlinThat top widget is so bewildering.

AlexWhat is this? Is this Queen? Is this one of your friends? Like, I mean, it's on Twitter, so it's public. And but what?

MerlinI was I was just wondering about the giant one third of her home screen says is the day and the date.

AlexI 100 percent support that. it is okay normally i would be like what the fuck but now in terms of my relationship with time the only reason i don't like this widget is it also it doesn't have the time on there i want the exact time and yes i know it's right above the name and name no i want a gigantic thing telling me what the time exactly is uh but god it's like well it's like um like almost like a visual version

Merlinof what's called Fitz's Law, like the size of something corresponds to how easily you can click it. Like I don't want to have to visually scan for certain kinds of information. Like when I'm doing an ad read and I've got a long Google Doc open because boy, do they sometimes want to give you a lot to say. And I want to make sure, so I start and I say, this episode of Roderick on the Line is brought to you in Part By. And then I say, diddly, diddly. And then I forget, if it's first take and I want to double super check the URL, I have to like look,

scroll down and try to come back up. Or when I go D-A-F-F-S and I have to come back and visually find where I was. I don't want that to be a skills challenge. Big time. Like make my time big, big time.

AlexYou don't want your advertiser like practicing CRM on you. It's not a good look. Just not.

MerlinStop putting things in first person. It's a bad look. Oh, it's weird. Your question then becomes who is this person?

AlexYes. and who's this person? Why are they using it? It's just very confusing.

MerlinI bet it's somebody. Quinn knows. It looks like they're behind a pumpkin. So I think it's relevant to the season, the other season, the non-Coxmas season.

AlexIn my opinion, without a... No, this is an opinion. It's a fact. You should not comment on a woman's appearance. Just don't.

MerlinUnless it's to say that she's really hot. Women appreciate that.

Alexno it's it's it i just assume this is like one of her friends just looking at a pumpkin and i'm just really confused why this is i guess this is one of the maybe one of the no no this wouldn't be a it's not one of the smart apple widgets it's widget smith so quinn chose this picture why did you choose this picture because it's hard to say what makes a person happy things make you happy that are totally inscrutable i'm sorry it's your show but also why how how have you walked 8,557

or wait, no. 8,557

Merlinfeet today. Oh yeah, weird flex. How many feet?

AlexAnd 3.8 miles of feet. Like, where are you going? And can I follow you from a safe distance? Where are you walking that you're able to do that? Well, I'm... Questions. Yeah. And, alright. So that's Quinn.

MerlinOkay, number one, Quinn Rose. Thank you for submitting, Quinn. Alexander, who is your next nominee?

AlexI'm not going to spend a lot of time on Mike Hurley's home screen because just, did I even link it anywhere? I was just mad at him for this stupid, ugly ass home screen. Mike Hurley, former friend of the show, I guess now, because this is just, oh God.

MerlinDo you think he knows what he did?

AlexI truly don't know. okay oh i need to link it to you sorry the see i i probably should have prepared more and put all of this in a twitter moment which i will do after the after this um but wow look at that he not only replied to a tweet without the hashtag cocksmas he has three home screens and uh like it's it's a weird oh okay all right i need to calm down mike hurley at the top of his home screen

has the carrot uh widget which is my favorite weather app i i do too i like when it yells at me and says passive aggressive things i love you do i do uh but then it's like being back in catholic school it truly you know what i need i just need my knuckles slapped every once in a

Merlinwhile you know oh boy i got a lot i got a lot of remarks about this this that's not where the

Alexcamera icon goes that's not where the camera i know we have different differing opinions you and i about where the icon goes where the lens is it but but which lens i'll say it for the show the

Merlinone in the upper right where it always is anyway continue he's got he's got a clock oh boy oh i'm I'm sorry our co-host here isn't here to talk about Mike's use of the app Do.

AlexI just...

MerlinYou get a reminder for the repeating reminder to check the calendar event about updating the reminder app.

AlexI... Mike, what? Okay.

MerlinOkay, so describe what we're looking at here. This is a very tall... Mike loves him a big phone. Everybody knows this.

AlexHe's a big, big phone boy.

MerlinHe's a big phone boy. There's floral wallpaper. So the top widget, it might be a smart widget. No, no, it's just the carrot widget. Look at that. It is. And then there are some rows, and these are interesting choices.

AlexThis, I'm not going to spend a lot of time on, other to say that it's basic. It is, you, sir, have a boomer home screen. Like, this is not, I know that.

MerlinNo, no, no, this is good. I feel like this is good for you. This is going to help you be a better junior landlord.

AlexExactly, exactly. I'm gonna practice Gen Z-ing you I'm not sure but if this were on TikTok it would be mercilessly mocked for all of these

Merlinyou're saying youths being unkind on TikTok

Alexyes yes you would be bullied off

Merlinall he did was bite his lip he just bit his lip that's a big deal I'm willing to wait for it wait for it

AlexI like Lin Talk hashtag Lin Talk it's delightful to me but anyway

Merlinhe and Stan would love it too

AlexIt's just sweet. But okay.

MerlinWhat have you ever done for us? Mike Hurley, the second victim. Alex says, no way you know what you did.

AlexAlso having the background be the floral pattern of...

MerlinBackground is very...

AlexWell, I believe it is the wallpaper of...

MerlinIt looks like the pattern that a German lady would wear for a dress on a cruise.

AlexWhich is... Well, exactly. I think it's the Beverly Hills Hotel, like wallpaper. And which that would be where that type of woman would stay before embarking on such a cruise.

MerlinYou know what? 100 percent. 100 percent.

AlexLike why? It's I refuse to even go into this, except you're are you really going to overcast that that much? I know that podcasting is your job, but like, are you really? I think Overcast is such a good app that you don't need it in your dock.

MerlinOh, you're saying, oh, so now I'm feeling chastened. You're saying don't put it in the dock.

AlexWell, if you do at least indicate.

MerlinHis dock appears to be Twitter, the email app Spark, Safari, and one of the bespoke Overcast. I mean, it is his job.

AlexIt is his job. And I guess this, you know what?

MerlinNot the listening, but, you know.

AlexYeah, exactly. Good point. Good point.

MerlinYou think he's virtue signaling? He might be a fake podcast boy.

AlexIs this stock, I wonder, for aesthetics or utility? And I think this is a work virtue signaling. Twitter, it's part of your work. Mike Hurley? All right.

MerlinI've been hiding in plain sight this whole time.

AlexOkay, let's move on.

MerlinOkay, just to give us some focus and not have this be all day, may I recommend, and it's your show, can I recommend that we do, say, three more? We could do more in the after show, but we're already up to an hour. Do you want to do maybe three more that you want to highlight for the main episode?

AlexYes. So we go now to Rick Allen, who is Rick Playswer on Twitter. And he did not share his home screen. He shared his non-binary kids. oh oh his teenage non-binary kids home screen and this is the most gen z home screen i have seen yet it is gorgeous the entire page if you saw this in 2008 wouldn't you be confused i would i would

instantly come i would just that's handy i would say i i would leave i kind of could use the opposite i i would leave a puddle so large that it would it would be ready and waiting for ducky

MerlinLet's go make it easier to find you. Doug, you can follow the clues. What happened to my junior landlord? Where's my base scout?

AlexDid they melt?

MerlinI don't know. Ding dong.

Okay, all right. Rick Allen.

AlexThank you, Rick, for sharing this.

MerlinAnd so would you care to describe it to people, what we're looking at?

AlexWe are looking at a pretty much completely custom home screen. I will say I don't know what the application sprocket is, but that's on their home screen.

MerlinIt's got a picture of a camera. If I may hop in, we have two small widgets at the top. We've got the date. And I can't eyeball that font. It's not one that I've used a lot. But we've got a small widget for the day and date. We've got a small widget for, hey, they live here. Cool. For the time and looks like time zone. We've got two rows of custom beautiful purple icons. We got in lower left, we got the Widgetsmith moon, which people love that.

And then we've got a few more assorted icons. I would like to give points for, see, I'm a fan of the large icon or the medium icon. I do applaud this deployment of small widgets to give more flexibility and a kind of a kicky design.

AlexIt's kicky. It is. It is. With, I've got a doctor.

MerlinBackground's an astronaut, maybe? I'd go with solid black or a star field, personally.

AlexI completely retract my statement. The moon is the astronaut's head, I think. See how it's laid out like that?

MerlinI do. I do. Then what's the rest of the bounding box that blackens the astronauts' rest of their...

AlexI don't know. I don't know.

MerlinOkay. You're fantasy casting the astronauts.

AlexThe youths know so much more than us.

MerlinCastronaut. Fantasy castronaut. It's nothing. 16-year-old, hey, Rick Allen, you know, from us to you, shout out. And to your buddy there, please say hi from us.

AlexYeah.

MerlinAnd yay you.

AlexYay you. And I really want to know what the moon is because the dock is four custom icons. You know what?

MerlinIs the moon face?

AlexOkay. So I do want to know about, I need some follow up about the moon as well as the moon in the dock. The dock has four custom icons, a half moon, shall we say, a phone, a what looks like a video camera.

MerlinI think that would be a crescent moon. A crescent moon.

AlexI don't know. I know nothing about the moon. I don't.

MerlinDid you ever eat one of those flaky pastries and have it be called a half roll?

AlexNo.

MerlinNo, it's a crescent roll.

AlexIt's not a half roll.

MerlinThat would just be leftovers. And also, am I seeing this right, Alex, that the icons in the dock do not have. I guess it never has names.

AlexIt never has names.

MerlinYeah, you're right. You're right. Okay. we got we got a crescent moon which i'm guessing it could be a sleep app could be an astronomy app

Alexwe've got the phone app probably i think it's an astrology app i bet the kids know more than we do uh but but then there's a telephone which i have to think because there there's nothing on this screen that says messages that's got to be like that's got to be messages i think it's um i think

Merlinit's a um i think it's fake i think if you dig into well i don't know i can't speak for this child and i don't want to sound but like i'll bet there's something behind that that's not phone I bet there's some files and indexes in there if you dig enough levels deep.

AlexI actually now am like, oh, wait, is this just a shortcut that opens another series of shortcuts?

MerlinSomething in files, perhaps?

AlexYeah, yeah.

MerlinSome personal papers, business papers?

AlexNo, no. It's this 16-year-old, 16 years old.

MerlinI was already three years into my apprenticeship at that point.

AlexTrue, true.

Merlin1981. Never forget it. Watching Soap on ABC. Rick Allen, thank you so much. Want to do two more?

AlexOh, yes, yes. Oh, I am going to do... This one's fair. Our friend of the show, Kathy, a.k.a. Mrs. Soup. Oh, hi, Kathy. Yeah. I hate this home screen. I hate it so much. I just, I hate it. Thank you. I hate it.

MerlinOh, it's a little bit live, laugh, love. What is the background? It's pretty.

AlexIt is a custom background. I don't know. It's like this...

MerlinIt looks like it's from a video game or something.

AlexIt does. It looks like it's from No Man's Sky or Prometheus. I'm not sure. But it consists of a lovely background screen, which normally I'd be like, okay, this is kind of neutral. All right, fine. Then there are two medium-sized widgets. One, which has like the time, which great, gigantic time.

MerlinIt's got that new fan. Oh, yeah. But also, I love this Fantastical view.

AlexYou don't like the heat maps?

MerlinI love the heat maps. You should see my Thursdays.

AlexWoof. Here's the thing. I do. I do. But do you notice what is underneath that Fantastical widget?

MerlinIt's mostly transparent icons. I'm not, I'm not, that feels a little Android to me. No offense, Mrs. Soup, but it feels a little Android to have transparent icons.

AlexOh, no, no. Kathy submitted her stamps to be stomped on. But the point of this home screen is I hate it so much.

Merlinyou can't the icons are transparent how do you see them you do like i do like kathy as a person

Alexi love kathy as a person but this is a monstrosity does this affect your opinion of kathy as a person are you canceling kathy at this point no this does affect my opinion of kathy as a person though because she truly does not give a fuck because this just makes her happy and it's for her oh and and let her have it let her have it yeah yeah that's that's this is the point of cocksmas i'm going to tell you how bad your home screen is but it doesn't fucking matter uh and okay that's that's really all all i have for kathy the the doc has thank you kathy thank you for your work and your

friendship we love you except but your home screen sucks actually though like seriously though why do you have phone in your your doc who is calling who keep i think i think kathy is a very busy

Merlinbusiness lady i work i work with kathy at a thing and i think kathy's a kathy's very on top of things i could see kathy being a phone person or maybe it goes into some directories and indexes

Alexif you dig in deep enough that's well and that's the other thing i think all right just just one more one more thing about mrs soup uh the doc is phone overcast instagram uh which she likes instagram a whole lot but as you said kathy gets a whole lot of shit done and i'm like how and but you also spend so much time on instagram making adorable wonderful things that delight me and you help me with business like how how do kathy how do uh but that makes it all the more difficult

Merlinto cancel kathy because exactly execrable screen exactly the fact that she's able to live her life god you're the best kathy but with the worst yeah so great but really this is terrible see yourself

Alexout you know what you did uh finally all right this this this boy right right here uh scotty jackson another another friend of the show but also submitted like again in a timely timely

Merlinfashion broke broke broke a secret rule that you never mentioned because your secret rule you didn't know guy uh don't send me too many screens right the but but at that point i had not clarified the

Alexrules i i pulled pulled to me and in the oh oh no scotty i've canceled you never mind never mind you are pandering you are pandering it i'm not even going to talk about this there's a lot of widgets and is a app that's called pc financial but then there's a widget of the apple podcasts app and it says uh new today do by friday and uh wow pandering no cancel but also um invite me to

Merlinplay wordscapes also thank you thank you very much for listening scotty but you're canceled i'm so sorry that you liked our show and let us know really the bottom oh nine inch nails who's

Alexthat for yeah uh-huh who who's virtual virtual who's virgin signaling virgil virgil virgil who virgil sigmund but but but real talk uh he put this amazing post together that creates uh via charty which is an app that works with uh the apple shortcuts app uh how all of these fucking wild omni focus oh look at that that's really cool right right so um do you want one more to

cleanse your palate then now that you're so upset with scotty um let's oh i will just say the armentz while their home screens are monstrosities to via usability they have gorgeous gorgeous home screens but i do think they are al expandering because they know how much i like the atlantic ocean uh let's let's go to oh who is another there we go loading loading loading uh here's what i would call another boomer screen from matt who didn't technically break the rules

um matt johnson oh matt johnson phd is his username i apologize dr dr johnson um can i to call you dr dick dr dick uh wow you go off king uh hi matt thank you for thank you for taking the

Merlintime to participate in this

Alexno but but seriously he his his home screen he has taken a video so an infraction of many of the rules but look at what he made for his wallpaper i don't know how the fuck he did that but what

Merlinwe're looking at right now it's like a starfield or like a like a 2001 right yes well we are looking

Alexat the 2015 3d touch wallpaper of the millennium falcon coming out of hyperspace from the force awakens trailer and that's cool i don't know how you did this it's wonderful and i excuse you for the like 20 other screens that you have and all of the badges that make no sense i don't know none of it makes sense what i kept looking at this app passport and for some reason seeing the

Merlinword fart i don't know why but uh why do you have who imdb is he in the film business is he a doctor

Alexof a doctor of film that's what i'm trying to figure out and i intentionally did not go to people's um like like their their bios uh but why do you have the badge number on overcast because

Merlinovercast is in dr dick he says it he says it right in the app it's just going to cause stress yeah

Alexit's going to cause you stress you have 397 podcast episodes that haven't been listening to i would die before i could listen to 300 episodes like i i don't i mean depending on how long they are i guess yesterday i accidentally recorded 17 hours of audio and audio hijack so you know

Merlinthe fuck did i do quinn will probably be able to edit that down no no don't worry quinn it wasn't

Alexyour show sorry brett you're not in trouble brett you're not in trouble um all right i'll i'll save the rest of these for for the after show but do you i can't believe i'm saying this do you want to do mine yes yes yes yes i thought this was an infraction but i'm not gonna place it on twitter

Merlinbut please sign it to you please oh um let's see here anything embarrassing just the usual all right here we go and i will entertain uh any questions you have as long as you keep it friendly friendly and polite you know what i take it back do me do me now i'm i'm not gonna bounce as hard

Alexon you the way i did dr dick but oh my goodness gracious me what boomer no no no i am far away from my mic because i don't i really don't know how to use it anymore but what's happening uh Okay.

Mouthwords? I am literally in shock over how usable your home screen looks right now.

MerlinOh, come on.

AlexI am going to make a... Oh, I don't need to make a guess. The first thing that you have... I'm going to describe this because it is good. And I have shared...

MerlinFirst one, do you... So, yeah. So, can you grok from this that there are basically four areas happening here?

AlexYes. There is... Okay. Wait. Yes, yes. I thought that perhaps there were five, but that... Well, okay. The top...

MerlinWell, notice the difference in color of type on some of these.

AlexYes.

MerlinThat's the clue.

AlexSo actually, let's start from... Let's go bottom up, shall we? In your doc, you've got Safari, one password editorial and drafts which are things that i would argue uh that me slash a lot of people you obviously often need to access from any page even though that exactly so what what is the doc

Merlinfor to me i'm sorry i should let you just go but what is the doc for the doc is not for stuff you use a lot it's for stuff you use a lot everywhere like you just need to get to safari sometimes and like i want drafts to be right where my thumb lives yep yep i i oh man i'm so sorry

Alexmr greg i didn't want to be like that much of a dick but your home screen is very good and uh after show um the so you have your doc is impeccable uh i know that editorial is currently a struggle for you in terms of your workflow but then you have an apple widget which i believe is the Siri suggested apps, the medium.

MerlinGame changed. Game changed. So here we go. Can I just tell you real quick? Can I spoil the surprise just so you know what people can see? Top one. First of all, I don't quite understand how things get added to a smart stack that I didn't add, but that happens. It's interesting. Top one. So basically, top two rows. We're on an iPhone, whatever. I got 11 Pro Max for the enterprise. So top two rows is a medium-sized widget, and that is a smart stack of Siri Suggestions,

Fantasticale, Event List Plus Calendar, Carrot, Reminders, and I don't really even need reminders or notes, but I keep them in there for fun, and Photos, which is the single greatest feature of iOS 14. Below that, you have, I'll let you describe these if you want, two rows of four icons that are things I like to have on the home screen. And then below that, like Alex has said, the magic is these eight icons that represent apps that ios thinks i'm gonna want and i often

Alexdo and then you get the doc what is impressive on a number of levels is the the suggested apps because not only does your home screen make sense since for the first time i think since 2008 when you had Tumblr on your homepage.

MerlinMatt Bischoff made me use it. He shamed me into using it. I said, Matt, no offense. I like using it on Safari better. He said, trust me, Tumblr's going places. Check it out. And now I get things that tell me that I should be checked out for hepatitis C and that I should refinance my car insurance through a reverse mortgage. Tumblr.

AlexHere's the problem with Matt. They tell you that something's great and to use it, but then it's like they take it away.

MerlinA different job. Go to a different job. Oh, now I work here.

AlexYeah, yeah. Now I work here. Also, this app that was your favorite in high school, it's gone now. It's gone. I know it wasn't your fault, Matt.

MerlinI'm sorry. End of life. But also by virtue of the fact that I am the kind of person that would never in a bajillion years have anything. So I've got a lock screen. What is my lock screen? Oh, my. It's really boring. It's just the fruit stripes. But like my lock screen, I'll have fun with. But there is only one acceptable background for the actual functional area. It's an active working area. The only acceptable background is Jet Black. So what that buys me, though, is I don't even have a bounding box showing up around my suggestions. And it looks like I just have a brilliant home screen that is a wonderful, like if Jean Grey were a butler, like knowing what it is I'm going to want and bring it to me.

AlexI also enjoyed that. Did you mention this? I might have not been listening because I was literally looking in awe at the eight icons that you have after the ones that you have chosen on the screen. But is that a do not disturb shortcut?

MerlinYeah, yeah, which I'm having a little bit of trouble with. Matthew Castanelli's D&D Shortcuts. I need to go look at it. It's brilliant. It's part of his huge collection. I'm a member. Go check it out. We'll put it in notes. But one of Matthews is this. There's a whole bunch of different D&Ds that people have made. And I thought I'd try his. So the idea is you hit D&D, it pops up, and then you get an array to choose from. And it's a little bit cute, but it's like, do you want to do it for a while, for a bit, for a certain amount of time? until you leave this area, until you finish this event,

or just as long as I want. And the problem is it doesn't take all the time.

AlexHmm, interesting.

MerlinThis morning I did it twice and it didn't take. So I need to go look at that. But I love the idea. See, now if I had my druthers, Alex, the one that I would want above all else, I think I've mentioned to you, I've gotten this pop-up perhaps, you know what, let's be generous, maybe three times ever, where I get the pop-up. You know, for example, you get the pop-up now, hey, your watch is charged, love that. maybe four times ever I've gotten the pop up because why has that not been there since the beginning I get the pop up that goes hey you have Dubai Friday with Alex in five minutes do you want to turn on do not disturb maybe four times

ever how who do I have to blow to make that thing pop up for every fucking event that I do and why can't I just set a dingus that says if there is an event on this primary calendar always turn on do not disturb I mean it drives me nuts there's all that functionality all those fucking radio buttons in settings for like, do you want this to be able to do this? Do you want this to make you a tasty dessert? Do you want this to be able to learn from that? Do you want it to be able to teach to that? And it's like, yeah, I turned everything all the way on and all I usually get is

like, you're near an Apple store or whatever. So yeah, I need to work on that, but also I should mention, everybody knows this probably, but you now I really want to underscore this because I don't know if people get this. People who bought the Apple Watch keep in a drawer don't really care you can now put shortcuts directly on a watch face which is wild so like i've got dnd in the lower right i'll send my watch face too in the uh lower right corner of my um watch so i'm sorry that answer your question but also the reason home is there

is that like i've been doing a lot more with home kit lately is there a home kit widget for the today view or am i just losing my mind no apart not control panel or not not control center is there an actual like according to hoyle um official what the fuck is up with that i should

Alexbe able to have a favorite scene there i would love to be wrong about this i would love to be like someone it's like i would i would love to be well actually about this i would love this to be

Merlinuh no you just missed it you it's in this hidden in this area yeah i won't yell at you on twitter

Alexum but it it's one of those things where i already think people are doing widgets better than apple is um which i mean again there's so many kind wonderful talented people who work at apple and i'm sure like widgets are going to come everywhere to the ipad like you know how right now widgets are only allowed on like where widgets were traditionally allowed yeah the feature disparity

Merlinis so strange like we don't get home screen how could you not get home screen widgets on ipad that's so the most obvious place and like why don't we get emoji search on ipad it's so weird

Alexyeah and i i bet um i bet there are or at least i i hope this person is still listening and i am sorry like yeah project management is fucking hard it's very hard it's and we might talk about that in the after show i i will say uh however on your second oh no it's not no okay okay i you're

Merlinuh so you're set the same screen with a different view so you can see my heat map your smart stack

Alexwith the heat map uh with fantastical which is probably other than widget smith my and oh carrot is still really oh so i don't have a yeah drafts drafts is good i still have not figured out how

Merlinto fully unleash drafts, but with the addition of that asylum toolkit thing, I'm going to go back and spend yet more time with drafts. But like, you know, I mean, there's so much stuff that's just, Joanna Stern talked about this in her video. I cannot underscore this enough. So much of the stuff that's happening, to an extent with iPad, to an extent with watch, but very much with iOS 14, is that it's really not obvious what you can do, what can be done and how you might choose to do it.

It's really unobvious. It's not intuitive at all to know that you can drag a widget onto another widget and now you made a stack. Like, who would know to do, who would think to do that? Confronted with this brand new bit of functionality, who would think to, like, basically do the equivalent of what you do with a folder, usually accidentally? You could also do with a widget and make it into a stack. It's really, there's so much of that stuff here. And, like, just the wealth of riches, Fantastical alone, so many options. carrots so many options drafts don't even get me started but it's all like you you need a sherpa

Alexyou need a guide to to we we need the the youths like part of why i got so excited more than ever we need the youths uh oh well uh i i love the fantastic owl widget don't love how you have it without dark mode it's blinding uh and well how would i do that just oh you mean dark mode all

Merlinthe time? Yeah.

AlexI don't know. I don't know. Am I a mole man? I'm a very dark and sad person, but that's not

Merlinnews. Yeah, you are. Alex, we need to get to the after show. Is there anything in the patterns? Well, first of all, do you have any closing observations about how this has gone? And if I could ask, do you have any general areas of suggestion, improvement opportunities, way to class up one's act? How do you want to close this out, this very special holiday of Coxmas?

AlexOne, thank you, everybody. I did not expect hundreds of responses. I'm sorry. I did not think that through. Two, I just like that people are really creative and share their workflows. And everyone was so nice. And I like that the spirit of this dumb thing of me making fun of people on the internet is now like, I don't know. I watched friends being made. I don't know. I can't answer your question.

This is a really stupid, fun thing that I like to do. And thank you, everybody.

MerlinIn adult life, let alone COVID times, as we just talked about this on Roderick.

AlexThere's so little to be, yeah.

MerlinWell, and there's just so many fewer opportunities to accidentally find something you have in common with someone. And this can be a nice event like that when Alex yells at you and jumps up and down on your stamps and humiliates you. That's the junior landlord in training.

AlexI will say someone who asked not to be named said this is something that people you know it's just a week but that's something people are going to look forward to next week and most people don't have anything to look forward not not most but a lot of people like we all know like we look forward to the vacation I was looking forward to the holiday train here in Chicago like our public transportation had one has like a Santa train and it's like ah okay um christmas is canceled so it's like what do what what happens

Merlinuh and now ted lasso's gone we don't even have that to look forward to anymore oh wow oh i finished

Alexfootball's life football it's not the hope that kills you it's not the hope that kills you

Merlinno no it's probably the pence

Thank you.

Show notes

Transcript

207. They Scouts

Show notes

Transcript

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