203. Emotional Support Door

AlexThis is Do By Friday, a weekly challenge podcast. This week's challenge, take care of your skin.

MerlinSorry, I'm late. No, not at all. Sorry, I'm late. Hello. I didn't know what a quarter meant,

Speaker AAnd so I walked away and I just left.

MerlinYeah. Yeah, we should probably quit making this joke because it's really confusing to think like Alex.

AlexIt wasn't a joke. I was just confused by time one time.

MerlinAlex, Alex, Alex, Alex.

AlexYes.

MerlinYou mentally converted the 12-hour clock to metric.

AlexOne time?

MerlinNo, not one time.

AlexOne time.

MerlinNot one time. You've muddied the water so many times and now you've confused America.

Alexi admitted it one time shame on you god what must it be like

Merlini wish i knew oh i forgot to tell you i took a photo of a white tesla i should send it to you

Alexoh i don't see many anymore and probably because i don't leave my house though that's probably the

Merlinfirst problem there's your problem hey uh hey we're very excited this week to have a friend of the show, very, very good friend of the show, Tiffany Arment with us. Hello, Tiff. How are you? Hey. Hey. Hi.

Speaker AAre we starting already?

MerlinI don't know. I don't know this is the show.

Speaker AIs this the show? This is always the show. This is like two seconds. We are 1.920. Yeah, we're really, this is soon.

MerlinNo, it's now 12.5. I was late. Almost 12.5 Eastern metric time. Metric Syracuse of time.

Speaker AYep, yep. That's a half a quarter of an hour?

MerlinYeah, this is why in like the confusing English currency where it's not really based on anything. Like, oh, this is going to be an eighth of a penny and a sixteenth of a penny and a third of a penny. There's your change. Let me slice this coin in half for you.

AlexListen, there's a video game that I play that counts steps in kilometers and not miles. So I've just kind of had to rework my whole life around this. so but kilometers isn't time well like it's like parsecs is that it yeah yeah something something

Merlinstar wars is my retort to that uh blue milk i remember when we i remember we had lots of film strips this is back in the 1970s and they were trying to sell us on the metric system i was pretty excited about it and they showed us lots of film strips and uh they made the category error well let me put it this way it's been explained to me that if you want to learn a different system like metric you need to stop doing mental conversions that that's what screws you up is you're constantly trying to like turn it back into imperial and that you have to go all in on

it now are you that far along alexandra do you do you think do you think in metric now

Alexno well all of my siri devices think in metric so i have like set everything to kilometers so i don't know is a yard metric like saying a yard no yard is three feet i think right that's

Speaker Athe feet the feet is the not metric so what's the yard are you saying feet feet as in feet as in steps or is a yard just a different way of saying three feet in metric or not what are we computers

Alexi don't know it's three kilometers to hatch the lowest tier pokemon go egg then it's seven and then it's 10 kilometers and that's where you can get a dino at 10 kilometers and that's about like 4.9 miles how many steps do you have to take to get a cuban

Merlingive a sense of that and if you do you trade no way you trade your onions for turnips and then and then kk kk slimer plays a little tune a 5k is like pie i love pie you run in you run pie for a 5k we had a really good crisp the other night a nectarine uh crisp that was really I don't know if it was technically metric. You know what? It was a clear baking dish.

Speaker AIs that technically a pie? Is a crisp a pie? Save it for Robot or Not. Is it a hot dog or burrito? Do you wash your legs? Robot or Not, that show stole from top four, I have to say. We were the originators of the stupid things deciding what is what and what is not. And they totally stole it. Just saying.

MerlinI agree. So this is the thing with John. Motherfucking Syracusa.

MerlinTM, TM, TM. Yeah. You just want to be remembered for one thing. That's really all you ask. I do. Just one thing. Just one thing. God, he's the worst. Yeah, it's terrible. What was your most recent one? The mask one was really good. We listened to that in the car while we were driving around Yosemite wearing masks.

Speaker AAnd then what was, wait, isn't there a more recent one? Yeah, we just did. What did we do?

MerlinDid we eat something? Oh, was it sports?

Speaker ASports! Sports! Sports! Sports!

MerlinUh-huh. Oh, boy. That was really funny. There's a lot of sports.

Speaker ASports!

MerlinI had no idea there were, Tiff, I had no idea there were so many sports. It was so valuable to me when you were reading from the Internet Science site about all the different kinds of sports. sports because i did not know there were that many or those classifications fascinating i know

Alexall the different categories of sports sports i am no longer excited to listen to this oh boy oh no look at all the emojis here no oh oh no we always fuck this up so let's get this right right

Merlinnow uh at the top of the show we're not going to hold it to the end i don't know how long this will take we have a lot of things to discuss but uh tell us uh where people can find the things that you do or you know to the extent you're comfortable saying you know given your privacy and upset concerns where could people find you tell us about your things what's your what's your

Speaker Afucking deal tiff i mean you don't want to make this a whole tantric thing where they have to you know listen to the whole episode to find out where the heck i am oh you mean like it's like a sting

Merlinkind of thing you just hold it you like you do you clench yeah you hold it and you wait and you

Speaker Await and you hold it and then you think it's gonna but nope nope it's not that's what she said

MerlinYou know, also, there's another kind of exercise that you can do where you work on your pelvic floor, but it's not to make a sex thing happen. You do a breathing thing. We're trying to unclench because, you know, that'll give you IBS and stuff. Wait, you want to unclench?

AlexWait, really? Hold on. Hold on. Unclench.

MerlinWell, I think, you know, like I say, you would turn it on, turn it off. Tiff, where would people find you for whatever the fuck? What is it you do? Tell us what you do. What is your fucking deal?

Speaker AI do lots of stuff everywhere. And just type in Tiffany Arment in the Googles and it'll be there. I don't even know. I mean, I do know. I do a lot of things. I do art things and I do podcast things. You do a show called Somehow I Manage about The Office.

MerlinI know.

Speaker AI do. Yep. Yep. And I do Top Four with Marco Arment, who we may or may not be related.

AlexAh, I don't know how. sorry i didn't go to the incest place first i don't know why

Merlinoh what have you done over there wouldn't that suck wouldn't that suck if you found out right now like something pops up on ancestry and like oh my god you're totally second cousins one one of the

Alexfirst things that uh uh appears when you google tiffany arment was just a very old thing and then And I'm like, yeah, I'll send it. I'll send it.

MerlinOkay, let's walk away from this Googling business.

Speaker AYeah, don't Google me. Don't do that, actually.

AlexYeah. I don't even know what it is.

Speaker AIs my boob out or somewhere? No, no, no, no.

AlexIt's from Tumblr, the site that used to be good. Oh, I made that video. Yeah. Yeah.

Speaker AWhat is this?

AlexExactly. What am I looking at here?

Speaker ALook at me on Vimeo.

AlexOh, Vimeo. That's still where my stuff, it's a good place.

MerlinVimeo was the Tumblr of video.

AlexIt still is the Tumblr of video. Nobody takes your videos down. No one yells at you. Look at this. I'm forever young on the internet.

Speaker AThis is amazing.

MerlinIt's been long enough now that I can say I like Dallas a lot.

Speaker AOh, look, it's Marco with hair.

MerlinBut I got some serious nasty grams. I got some serious nasty grams from Dallas about how I was subverting what Vimeo was for. What? It was about story. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Because I was using it to put up my ranty videos and do educational things and tell people how to use TextExpander or whatever. He's like, yeah, it's really more of like a storytelling platform. And I was like, hmm, OK.

AlexIt's for short films.

MerlinYou're doing it wrong. I'm doing it wrong. It's from a different time.

AlexOh, my God. I had to convince my fucking college to let us put our stuff on Vimeo instead of turning it in on fucking DVD or YouTube.

Speaker AAnd I got mad and I dropped my note cards. I'm sorry.

Alexi'm so angry at the past i know i'm so angry at the future too there's just so much today uh there's not that what's to be angry about today except for fires fires are oh there's plenty to be angry about today uh fire not fireside fn merlin are you are you you're on fire

Merlintoo correct are you okay oh yeah i'm fine i was just saying to somebody on the internet that he has a warm orange glow oh sister i'm telling you i i couldn't i was trying not to like fake it or simulate what my eyes saw but the problem is the iphone is now so capable that you have to fight it if you want it to look like what you see because it's so good at saying okay let's take a two second photo hold very still but like that's gonna expose way too much light it is literally like right now As I record this, it's 9.38 a.m. Merlin Daylight Time.

It's like 5.30 a.m. level of brightness outside. It's really spooky. But I was just saying to somebody, we're always spared the worst of it for a million reasons. But up where Todd and Jason live and parts north of there, it's real bad because they've got all the heat. They've got all the smoke. They've got all the stuff. They've got more of the imminent fire danger. It's just all a goddamn mess.

Speaker Aon a positive note it would probably make some really amazing instagram pictures

Alexi'm sorry i thought that i thought it and i was like that looks really cool i'm an awful person my friend in portland sent me a picture and i and i was like oh my god what did you do that looks so cool and they're like a performing artist i'm like no that's the forest

Merlinon fire and i'm like oh and here's me in a bikini sipping something with a straw here's a picture birds on a wire welcome to instagram buy this hey hey that's my whole life right there

Speaker Abirds running on a beach in the sunset that's what i got this is this is what i have

Merlingoing for me right now don't take this away from me don't take it away they're already taking the keeping up with the cardassians away from you and now now what's next yeah it's like here's my feet

Speaker Awith an ankle bracelet up on a ledge like come on this is all i have oh yeah i also like that

Merlinone where you can see your feet on a boat. That's a good one. Yeah, right,

Speaker Aright, right. Here's my hand in the shower. This is all I have.

MerlinThese are my balls.

Whoops.

MerlinDelete, delete, delete. Here's me with my pants unzipped holding black water as I have my arm around a pregnant lady that I'm definitely not fucking.

Speaker Acan i have access to your instagram because that sounds amazing

Merlinit's uh it's a what do they call it a fince finsta what's the phrase finsta a finsta yeah i got a finsta yeah oh and that's one tell me what that is what's a finsta remind me it is a um

Alexit uh what's it called when you shorten something it's and you smoosh the words

MerlinAbbreviated?

AlexYeah, it's a fake Instagram. Oh, that's a portmanteau. Portmanteau. Thank you, yes.

MerlinOh, I see, like a spoonerism. Okay.

AlexI was like, it sounds like a fancy British man, but I don't know. A schooner is a sailboat. Yeah.

MerlinIt's a ginstafram. And so that's where you have a private one, so you and your friends can talk about being horny, and then your mom and dad don't see it? Is that how it works? Ooh, that sounds awesome. Isn't it to hide from the normals?

Speaker Ayeah this is where i hide from my parents on this show when i come oh wait no not like that wait

Merlinand you don't know for sure whether you share parents with marco is that correct uh no i'm sure i do not how sure are you your kid is so cute and not not a hideous monster of uh

Speaker Agenetic mistakes right that's how that's why i'm sure that's yeah we don't have a hideous monster

Merlinchild that's just true he's gonna sprout sprout fangs or develop a mutant power he hasn't gone

Alexthrough puberty yet so we're not sure here's the thing that keeps me kind of like excited about potentially having kids like until puberty puberty you don't know if they're gonna have

Merlinmatilda powers or not because oh right well it said ditto with the ditto with the x-men most mutants get their power during puberty.

Speaker AYeah.

AlexYes.

Speaker ASo what's your superpower that you got from puberty?

AlexAcne that continues to last 15 years later. I mean.

MerlinCan you like project that a certain amount ahead to like attack Magneto or like how would that work?

AlexOh, I mean, have you ever seen Puss Fly? It's a, it can go far. Oh, I love when it hits the mirror. Oh, we're talking about skincare today. This is amazing. Yes. Oh, spoilers. Dig dug.

Speaker ADig dug.

AlexThat's great. Oh, I do. I kind of wish that there was some way to, I don't know, like, safely befriend new people right now, but just with your mask. Because then it'd be like, oh, man, Alex has amazing skin, except for that darn mask. Oh, it's just ruined their skin.

Speaker ABe like, oh. Interesting. Yeah, darn it. That's what did it. Yes, blame it on the mask. It's like blaming like a fart on a dog. Just blame the acne on a mask because I do that all the time.

MerlinThat's a good idea. I heard a lot of people are, I mean, I noticed just with what they call anecdata, looking at my front window, which looks out onto a park, I see a lot of people with dogs where there didn't used to be so many people with dogs. It's my understanding, and Mechie might be able to add some color to this. It's my understanding that a lot of people are adopting all kinds of dogs, even old dogs and incontinent dogs, that everybody's getting a dog. That's what I heard.

Speaker AI also heard that there's been an upsell in dogs.

AlexThere has, but not so much here because there's not really space to. Like everybody in this neighborhood has either has a mansion and has had a dog or has a Dougie type landlord like mine. And it's like no dogs, no cats. Oh, you already have cats. I don't even know how to take care of the paperwork. So just keep the cats.

MerlinThat's a load bearing dog. I have to have that there.

AlexYeah, exactly. my cat's on a leash so basically that's a therapy dog

Merlinmy emotional support door the closet that keeps falling on Alex you live inside a house of irony

AlexI just want to get back in all the time

Speaker Asupporting my emotional load

Merlinotherwise on what will i blame my farts do does your lizard fart like what does a lizard

Alexexcrete other than like fluid and solid matter from its body is there any gas that happens i mean are you really are you really asking yes i am i'm genuinely i don't know like do reptiles

Merlinburp and fart i have no idea i mean i think not in a way that we would understand there's a lot about a lizard that's very strange i don't want to go on too long about this i don't want to become the lizard guy but i love him very much he's a very special boy i love him very very deeply he is a picture of dignity and then sometimes after he's eating a bunch of hornwords he takes a huge dump and as we know it's a dump it's a pee because he's really he's really more like a bird you know like they say there's only three kinds of animals you know you got you got horses dogs and birds cats dogs and birds yeah so he's basically a bird and so he makes a pee poop

and boy is it ever big and a little bit stinky but my wife takes care of that because that that That's her wheelhouse. I take care of all the incontinent cat things. I don't know, but, like, for example, one of the weirdest things about a lizard is that they don't actually, like, drink water the way a normal animal would. You, like, give them a bath or you put some water on their snout and, like, that hydrates them. It's really weird.

AlexOh, it's so cute. So they, too, care about their skin a lot.

MerlinOh, nice pivot.

AlexUh-huh. Mm-hmm. big on themes today.

MerlinBig on themes. Tiff, have you ever thought about getting a lizard? Is that a thing you might want to do? No, that

Speaker Ais not a thing I want to do. Have you ever seen my precious

Merlinboy? Do you know how precious my boy is?

Speaker AI've seen the precious boy. I've seen him in a hat.

MerlinThere's a new sheriff in town. Oh, yeah. Yeehaw. Yep, yep, yep, yep. Let me find him. I've been a little slow on posting, but yeah, I wish I was on Instagram

Alexsometimes. You don't really. I mean, you do.

Speaker AI don't know. You do. Just curate. Curate. So it's focused.

MerlinI miss it. Yeah. I know about Instagram. I was on there briefly because I had to do it for the show. Then I deleted it because it's Facebook.

Speaker AOh, nice banner. It's from the pet store. I can see the drop ceiling behind it.

MerlinYeah. Yeah. Well, yeah. I did the best I could with what I had.

Speaker AWhat are we? Ah!

AlexIt's Ninja Turtle style. I love it.

Speaker AI know. I know. It's so cute. Look at what they did there. Oh, I like the one where you're like kind of like he's like a weapon on your arm.

MerlinYes, I love that, too.

Speaker AThat looks a little bit. What's the guy with the claws?

MerlinOh, Wilberforce. Yeah. Yes.

Speaker AIt's like that, but with lizards on your arm.

MerlinHe likes to lay on wires. Every night we bring him out to hang out on his ramp and be in the sun. And he climbs up his ramp to the back window and he goes, hmm. He looks outside for a while and he goes, fuck, fuck, fuck. Comes down the steps and then he goes and hangs out on the wires.

Speaker AHe has a hole in his head.

MerlinHe has a huge hole in his head. What? Like all great, great pets.

AlexIsn't that...

MerlinWait, wait. Look at that guy. Is that not an ear? I bet it's an ear-like thing. But he's a fucking lizard. He's really stupid.

Speaker ABut it's not an ear. It's just the inside part of the ear.

MerlinThe whole part. His greatest enemy is transparency. He does not understand. He keeps walking. We have one of those hipster lucite coffee tables. And he just... Bonk. Bonk. Bonk. He just keeps walking into it over and over. Like, what is stopping me? What mutant force?

Speaker AAll right, him in the fireplace with the I am Santa now. That's very good. All lowercase.

MerlinHe's such a good boy.

Speaker AI like that he speaks in lowercase. I'm into this.

MerlinYeah, that's an affectation I eventually gave him.

AlexI mean, who's to say?

Speaker AOh, and when he says something like working, he doesn't even put the little apostrophe. He just goes for it. Working out.

MerlinOh, yeah. you're talking about like literally darth darth does the like the the this fucking guy um yeah anyway it's a it's a beautiful pet wait what was the original question um uh farts what's your superpower oh from from puberty um your pubic superpower i mean i don't want to i don't

Alexwant to work blue so oh on this show like how i don't like to talk about politics all right go on

MerlinYou know how I have no libido now, Alex? And I'm a little put off by people who do have libido. Oh, no. Well, no, no, no, no. I mean, I'm definitely not sex positive. I'm not entirely sex negative. Please don't talk about your sex life in front of me negative. But I used to be so fucking horny. You have no idea. It's such a blessing to no longer have that. And I love it very much. And it's given me a great deal of focus and time to spend with my lizard.

Alexwait so that was like a reverse the opposite of what i'm going through yeah

Speaker Areally you should get a lizard well no it's biology i'm like a woman you know getting

Merlincloser to her 40s i mean this is the time oh you're in that age where you like to yes okay

Speaker Ai've heard about this this is the time i just want to like i just want to take down a wilder

Alexbeast in the wild and tear it apart you could do that i'm gonna just run off a cliff I'm just going to just, they're in Oklahoma, Chicago. I have a danger to myself right now. That's not a nice joke. I'm sorry, everybody.

MerlinI just worry about the conservatives. I mean, they're obviously so conflicted about their extreme fucking sweaty horniness. We're all in a Slack where, at my request, we did create, the maker of our Slack did create a new channel that I believe is called Thirsty Sweaty Horny. Is that right? That's the one.

AlexI hate it.

MerlinAnd I feel like it started mostly to talk about Reverend Falwell Jr.

AlexYes, I believe so.

Speaker AHave you read the stuff about... I think about that title every day.

AlexThirsty, sweaty, horny?

Speaker AYou know, when you see it. That whole phrase just kind of pops up in my head all day long. I'm like, oh.

MerlinThirsty, sweaty, horny.

AlexSee, I think about it too, but I think it should be horny, sweaty, thirsty, because that's like in my mind the progression of action bodily actions or desires i don't know

Merlinokay the horniness is what sets it off yeah and then you're sweaty because you're taking care of

Alexthe horniness and then you're thirsty but that's one of those like linguistical things where if you

Speaker Aput like the number before the color it sounds weird or you have to like reverse it and then you have to put a descriptor in certain places.

MerlinThat is a fest. It's so true. Like when I, there's a, it doesn't matter. There's a book I read.

Speaker AWell, yeah, I read the book too.

MerlinYeah, and the book where it's like, you would never say these things in this order in the English language and no one is, it's not something you would ever think about.

Speaker ARight, you would never say like cows brown three. You'd say three brown cows.

AlexOh, I thought we were talking about a puberty book. Okay. Elements of style. Well, I guess that could also be.

MerlinWas it Hayakawa?

Speaker AI want to say it was S.I. Hayekawa, but I'm not sure. I don't know who read it, but I read The Elements of Eloquence. That's the book I read.

AlexAre you sweating thirsty? The Elements of Style. Yeah, what? I'm sorry. I laughed at my own joke. I'm done.

MerlinAlex, are you doing your own show this week? What's happening?

AlexI am. Hello. Welcome to Thirsty, Sweaty, and Horny. The New Elements of Style.

Speaker AHi, I'm Alex Cox. Welcome to Thirsty, Sweaty, and Horny.

Alexoh my goodness

Merlinif you did that if you let's say you start another one of your podcasts you do three episodes of what what's wrong with doing that what is wrong with i don't understand it's called a mini series what what what is what is implied by me pointing out that you do that nothing i admire you very

Alexvery much yeah just like i'm when i'm like great people on both sides doesn't mean anything

Merlinnope go on um if you have a show like that with your adjectives you put your adjectives up in your bio so people know what what would you what would your there's the horny sweaty thirsty like what

Alexwould the nature of that show be alexandra wait i don't know the question you're asked are you saying if i were like to do a a sex show what would it be about i don't know it's your show i would be like hey guest you empower yourself say all of the words you want about your body and what you like and then i would sit in the corner making puke noises because i am sex positive just not hearing about people sex positive because i will go to hell oh 100 next

MerlinLet's do a podcast episode where John Syracuse describes his busted ass toe. The thing I would least want to listen to is people talking about their sex.

AlexOh, I do. Sometimes I do go for there's a show I really like called The Heart. And then suddenly it is it's like back to work. And I'm like, there are some different feelings. There's a lot of I need to just shift modes of thinking right now. What about Tiff? is there anything like uh not that you listen to podcasts but is there any no i don't really song shifts that you ever like any shuffle situations where it's like oh no also you

a spotify or an apple music person oh uh pandora fish person what i know oh boy what i know get a

Speaker Ahorse i know okay what happens your myspace down my god i just i like that you know the box

Alexi mean i'm a fan of that one as well

Speaker Ano i have pandora and apple music that's what i do pandora radio it's nuts well pandora has some really good playlists and i can only find those playlists on pandora so so i'm stuck there i'm stuck i haven't looked at pandora in years last

Merlintime i had pandora even when i was paying for it it was like um it was still like pretty random is that this is still pretty random what pandora yeah i i only use it for playlists oh so you can

Speaker Ado spotify like playlists in it yeah it's like play indie pool party on pandora like that's what

Alexi like oh but what i'm did did you just age 20 years on this podcast what is happening who no

Merlinokay google pandora pandora is like the cottage cheese of streaming music you know oh no is it I don't know. I love me some Spotify. I really like it.

Speaker ADo they have good playlists? Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Yes. Yes. That is. Do they have Indie Pool Party? Yes. Oh, my God. Yes.

MerlinHave you ever. I bet they got an Indie Pool Party. Have you ever been watching a television program? I don't know if you watch TV. I know you like your stories. But you're watching TV and you're like, wow, the music in this show is really good. Dimes to Donuts. Someone, many people potentially, will have already compiled all of the music from that series into a list. whether that's Doctor Who or Letterkenny or whatever it is. Letterkenny list is very, very good. But I don't know, man. Apple Music, it just feels like, I don't know what I'm doing in Apple Music.

Speaker AI have Apple Music. I just download stuff.

AlexI always feel like I'm begging. Yeah, like every time I'm just like, please just let me listen to this obscure track that I uploaded to my computer when I was 12 years old. Please, it's still, I promise it exists.

MerlinI've stopped looking at how screwed up my iTunes match has become. What did I want to do? I wanted to, oh, you know what I wanted to do, Alex? I was experimenting, long story short, there's a, I read this really cool article about how you can do audiobooks in Plex and be able to stream them to your device. And I thought, oh, I'll take those Jim Dale Harry Potter books and put them up. And like, it's music, Apple Music on a Mac is totally confused. It doesn't know whether or when to download. It says this is not found. I don't even want to know how much of my personal shit

is just missing now from iTunes Match.

AlexI just have a backup of, I think, 2017 somewhere too, because I can't find the metadata half the time now. Isn't music a Catalyst app? Yeah, I am on El Cap. Really? Yeah.

Do I need tip for this one real?

Speaker ANo, I'm sorry. No, I'm looking at my Pandora playlist right now, and I don't think that this can be replicated. I mean, stuff like Flo Rida and more radio, come on oh we can't get that anywhere else you can't get that anywhere uh let's see dark carnival

Alexradio come on how can you find that what does that mean what is what's the primary genre think of like spooky spooky carnival music is is that for your sweaty horny thirsty time what is no it's

Merlingood oh god i hate this is that like goblin core my my my daughter bought some stuff off etsy that is what she calls Goblin Core, which basically, I don't know what that is.

Speaker AIs that like Cottage Core, but Haunted?

MerlinOkay, Haunted Core. Okay. All I know is she got a ton. My daughter bought a tiny jar of bones and porcupine quills, and it's a little upsetting.

AlexThat's awesome. Are they real?

MerlinI don't know. I don't know if you're allowed to sell bones. I feel like I've heard that you can't.

AlexI mean, there's a difference between may and can.

Speaker AYou can't sell human. Actually, you can sell human bones. It depends on where you go. You have to go to like anatomy websites.

MerlinOh, you need to know a guy. Yes.

AlexWell, you can sell things that you can sell things that have been in from from from. Oh, God.

Speaker AOh, no.

AlexFormaldehyde. Thank you. You can sell things that have been in the dead people juice as long as it's not people parts. So I one time I bought a stingray in a big old jar of the preservation liquid that apparently for formaldehyde. I can't do it.

Speaker AWow.

AlexBut then they changed that law in Chicago. I can't imagine why. Just doesn't make sense.

Speaker AI'm pretty sure there's plenty of taxidermy stores in New York that you can buy all kinds of dead things from.

MerlinI bet you're right.

AlexIs she a budding goth? I'm so interested. Yeah, I would have assumed a budding emo or like scene, like what emo used to be, but cooler. Yeah, she's much cooler than I am. But like similar aesthetics.

Speaker AI was just going to try and portmanteau that and it was going to come out chemo and that's not good

Merlinoh so it's a new kind of rock and it's called chemo the cool emo the cool emo is now the chemo cool emo chemo I don't hate that would you shave your head for that like a skinhead kind of thing or nausea I bet there's nausea involved all those things I can watch TV while you're listening to it

Speaker Athis is getting too on the nose

Merlinadjectives in English absolutely have to be in this order opinion size age, shape, color, origin, material, purpose, noun. So you can have a lovely little old rectangular green French silver whittling knife, but if you mess with that word order in the slightest, you'll sound like a maniac.

Speaker AThat's the book I read.

MerlinThat's the book. Yeah, yeah. You can spend all day, oh gosh, there's a tweet of mine I found. You can spend all day trying to think of some universal truth to set down on paper. Shakespeare knew. Doesn't matter. Hardly matter. Full fathom five thy father lies. you'll be considered the greatest poet who ever lived. Express precisely the same thought any other way. Your father's corpse is 9.144 meters below sea level, and you're just a Coast Guard with some bad news. All right.

Chemo. The cool emo. I'm not okay. Really, I'm not okay. Trust me.

AlexI don't trust. I'm not okay. Okay.

MerlinI love the little waltzing part. I love it so much.

Speaker Ayou wear me out see that's the dark carnival

MerlinI think you're thinking of the dark black parade

Alexcool emo boy

Merlinhang on we're already getting into trouble

AlexI know

MerlinI guess we could talk about our thing I keep wanting to talk about crushes maybe we can do that another week all of my crushes are on TikTok

Alexoh interesting interesting oh wait

Speaker AI have to bring something up I don't know what Quinn's going to do with this, but you'll decide. So the thing that I sent you guys, it takes a long time to dry.

MerlinSo should we get started?

Speaker AWe might want to apply, have some chitchats, and then take it off.

AlexOkay. Okay.

MerlinOkay. Okay. How about, Quinn, at this point, please drop in the included audio file for the girl from Ipanema, and we'll be back. um a funny thing is that i've had a great morning i got up early i went to bed early i did i did uh did real good um long story short i have a one week growth of stubble beard so this might be extremely upsetting is it gonna be hard to get out will the magnets get it out

Speaker Ai hope you're still recording because this is half the fun is putting it on

Merlinoh oh of course shall i do it here at my desk um yeah you could do you have a do you have a mirror handy well in that case yeah well so here we go i got it right here i have this box that

Speaker Alooks very suspicious do you want to lead us in or i could lead this lead us into this right like

Merlinall right so i sent everyone all i'm gonna say is one day a package arrived and i get enough amazon shit that i don't know what a given box will contain i bring it all up i take out my utility knife i open it up and one of them was this uh this this box we're getting canceled well it's really more like gray face it says that's that's all suction black mask and i thought huh i don't remember ordering this yep yep okay walk us through this tiff what are

Speaker Awe doing here all right we are going to be putting this on um make sure you avoid contact with your eyes. It says that on the back.

MerlinOh, it's got a little spatula. That's so cute.

Speaker ABasically, you are going to apply it all over your face pretty thick because you want to be able to peel it off afterwards. So you're going to go for a really thick layer. Don't get it in your eyes or your nostrils. But it can basically go everywhere.

Well. You're going to have an experience.

MerlinI think I'm going to elect to do this in my private bathroom rather than at my desk. Is that okay?

Speaker AThat's fine. That's fine. do you want to keep recording uh yeah but at first i need you to open it up and i need you

Merlinto smell it okay oh all right let me see oh it's spooged on me oh shit oh oh i'm not

Alexoh my god it's like it's like a 13 year old boy oh god this looks like this looks like what is it oh wait what is the smell this is um oh shit or it looks like the monster from fern gully for me There was no, like, ejaculation situation.

MerlinIt smells like it's a smell of childhood. It's not Play-Doh. It's not paste.

Speaker AIt brings you to childhood. Do you want to know what it is?

MerlinIt's a childhood. I know. I know this. Oh, it's going to drive me crazy. Oh, shit. Oh, wait. Is it not a kind of glue? What does it smell like? Is it model airplane glue? What does it smell like?

Speaker ANo, it just totally smells like Elmer's glue.

AlexYeah. Yeah. It's like a.

Speaker ASo as a kid, have you ever, like, put glue on your hands and then peeled it off like a whole. glove of hand glue. Have you done that?

AlexOh my god. Alright, this is that,

Speaker Abut for your face. So have you ever heard of like a Biore strip? You know, like you put it on your little poor nose. Oh, I was there.

MerlinI was an OG. You pull it out and it looks like cactuses. Cactuses came out of your nose.

Speaker AThis is like a Biore strip mask for your entire face.

AlexOh boy. Why did they have to make it this?

Speaker AThey made it this upsetting, cancelable color because then you can see all the garbage it pulls out of your skin. And it's super satisfying.

MerlinOh, interesting. It's like an enema for your face. Yeah.

AlexUh-huh.

MerlinAll right. Do you want to keep... I'm going to mute because I want to go to my private bathroom. Is that okay?

Speaker AYeah, that's cool. I'll just put it on here.

MerlinOh, I just think it's going to be hard to do with headphones on and, you know, my finger.

Speaker AOh, I got my little compact mirror. Marco gave me his, you know, less expensive headphones. So in case I get some mask, some suction mask on it.

MerlinDry the cleansed area and apply the mask on desired area. Avoid eyebrow, eyes, and lips.

Speaker AYeah, just make sure you do it thick. It'll be easiest to get off if you apply it thickly. Very, very thickly.

MerlinApply toner. It's like the president. We're looking at this very thickly. Applying toner so as to tighten and cleanse the pores thoroughly. Okay. All right. I'm going to go mute. You guys going to keep it going while I'm away?

AlexI'm squeezing and

Speaker Asmearing.

MerlinI'm new to this. I'm going to mute.

Speaker ADon't put it on your eyebrows or you won't have eyebrows anymore. What am I into here? I suggest not putting it on any part of your face where you still want to have hair.

MerlinI got a beard here. Oh no. Just don't put it on your beard.

Speaker ADo it like on your nose and your forehead.

MerlinWhat if I do my nose and forehead?

Speaker AAnd like down the cheeks. Yeah. Yeah.

MerlinOkay.

Speaker AOh, God. Yeah.

AlexThat's what I'm excited about is I have problematic, I have problematic cheek pores. Well, now they're extra problematic.

MerlinI would just like to say this was a long time ago. I've changed the person and I'm deeply sorry that I treated my skin and made gray face.

Speaker AIt's not gray.

Merlinit's very black is it well okay because i googled this morning i was up early and i googled magnetic mask and it looked all like cheap star trek makeup but you're saying this is well and truly obsidian

Speaker Aoh no this is just glue dyed black and you're putting it on your face okay god i don't know how much care is in this skin care but i needed you guys to try it yeah okay well i'm gonna mute

Alexand go do this because you're gonna keep it going yeah yeah alex have you applied yet i'm i will uh send you a photograph that uh or i'm like halfway through trying to avoid eyebrows but also get it pretty thick dub both ck and cc but it's i i think that we're going to be canceled because people are going to yell at me on twitter about how this is bad for my skin oh yeah i'm sure it Yeah, I'm sure that like, I got one of those.

What are they? The suckies? Like, like, like you supposedly it sucks out like the stuff from your pores that I now know is called sebum. And apparently that's supposed to stay there. I want to hear about this. I need to hear about it. I will. I thought that's why. I don't know. basically i'm like who is an adult woman that i have seen wear makeup me i wear makeup someone someone help i mean this looks like it won't ruin your skin all right so i usually do this i i do

Speaker Alike to do this mask because i feel like it pulls out all the hairs on my face which i'm i'm into um and it also does clean out your pores but i don't know i just feel like my face is really really soft afterwards interesting and i don't do it that often it's more of a comedy bit where experiencing this is is part of the fun oh yeah it's i've never done i think a full mate

Alexmask except for like an actual uh a facial that i paid for oh that didn't work out a facial that involves

Speaker AOh, I pay for facials all the time.

AlexYou can only get the good ones if you pay for them.

Speaker AAll those free facials? Let me tell you, they're not really facials.

Alexnow i'm looking at my comic and and the computer and there's oh my goodness oh i wish you could mirror i'm sure there's a way you can mirror facetime to just have it look that oh god this is oh how do i get it off my hands all right um let's see here

Speaker AI sent you a progress photo.

AlexMan, Quinn's really going to appreciate my mic technique this week.

Speaker AOh, I like appreach, though. That's better. Really going to appreach.

MerlinI look, so I put it in my T-zone, basically. I put it on my forehead. I put it on the center of my nose and down the sides a little bit. And right now, I look like one of the wild boys in a deliberately racist elementary school production of Peter Pan.

AlexWho does a deliberately racist? Why am I even asking this question?

MerlinWell, it's Covington Kids, maybe. I don't know.

AlexBecause look at yourself. Oh, my God. Ow.

Speaker AMarco won't let me go near windows when I put this stuff on my face.

AlexYou shouldn't. You shouldn't.

MerlinI've already gotten my first warning sign, which was I used my index finger tip to put this on, and it was really hard to wash off with soap.

Speaker AYeah, you don't wash it off. It's a peel. Peel. You peel it. Oh, no. Your only chance to get it off is peeling.

MerlinI have set a timer.

Speaker ASo you might as well apply it thick, wait for it to dry, and then we're going to rip this sucker off.

AlexHow much of this bottle should we be using?

Speaker AI think that's a personal preference.

MerlinYes, yes.

AlexYou know, I've heard the same thing when I've paid for facials.

Speaker AOh, Merlin, we established that the facials you pay for are better than the ones that you don't.

MerlinWell, it's like how I enjoy food more if somebody else made it.

AlexYeah, uh-huh.

MerlinOr like how you can't tickle yourself. I mean, you can try, but it doesn't really work. You can't spank yourself either.

AlexI know. We can try, but it's just not good.

MerlinI remember reading about a lady that liked spanking, and so she made a machine that would spank her. And that, I think, was in the 1800s.

AlexOh, that's so smart.

MerlinThey call it self-flagellation, yeah.

AlexThat's very...

MerlinIt's very cool. It's kind of like the Temple Grandin machine, but for your butt, yeah. So can we talk a little bit about skincare and makeup? up because it's a i have a pretty spidey background with this and i i don't do anything to take care of my skin my i put on spf my wife makes me put on spf if we go outside but like she's really good about this stuff like she really takes care of herself and it shows and i look like a discarded

Speaker Acatcher's mitt i think skincare is if we want to be serious it is important uh if you one of those horrible oh nice alex sorry pictures came through oh yeah it's really getting in there oh no no no

Merlinno no oh no you guys no why did you do this all it's gonna take is one leak and you're done

Alexoh my god what it's oh my god no 100 so cute i like how sad you are this this look is when i i I will admit this look is 100% what the Golden Girls looked like in the episode they pulled from Hulu about.

MerlinI'd love to get a video of you guys singing like Camptown Races or something. Oh, no.

AlexOh, my God. That I really never did think that ride was funny. It was so upsetting. Like, it was clearly racist as a child. Like, come on.

MerlinWait, are you talking about the Song of the South one?

AlexYeah. Like, it was very upsetting. Splash Mountain is racist? Oh, yeah.

Speaker AThe whole Song of the South situation there. Wait, there's a song in Splash Mountain? I am so lost.

MerlinWell, it's so weird because nobody... Song of the South, there's some really good podcasts about the whole history of Song of the South. You must remember this. When they built it, when they built... Isn't that Big Thunder Mountain? What's it called? Splash Mountain?

Speaker AYeah.

MerlinWhen they built it, Song of the South was still available to see.

Speaker AAre we talking about an amusement park ride, right?

MerlinYeah, Disneyland, Disney, I think Disneyland.

Speaker AYeah.

MerlinYeah. And, but what's weird is when we were there a few years ago with our kid, I was not expecting there to be, I was a Br'er Rabbit and, you know, all the Br'er animals. It's like, that's weird. But there's no mention of, well, especially Uncle Remus.

Speaker ANope. Nope. Nope.

MerlinNope.

Speaker AWhere's your picture, Merlin? No, no, no. Yes. Yes, yes.

MerlinI have a family. Yes. No. No. Send it to us. I don't know what kind of two-factor you guys are doing. I don't know what I'm doing. Show me your hair. No, I'm kidding.

Yeah, so, I mean, I just don't think about my face. I don't look at mirrors. But, like, a lot of guys I know are like, you know, it's actually been really good for me. I think the SPF thing is a no-brainer. I mean, the lack of sunscreen when we were kids is nuts. At least when I was a kid. I'm older than y'all. But like mainly you would buy Coppertone that would give you more of a burn or a tan. The idea of like an SPF 100 for your face where you get the Zuckerberg face, nobody did that.

And I had such terrible sunburns as a kid because I'm extremely fair.

Speaker ADid you put the oil on like you were a turkey?

MerlinMy mom did that when she got home from work every afternoon in Florida. She'd go in the backyard, arguably the worst time of day, the most damaging kind of sun. And she would just go sit in like those three-part chaise lounges that are real clicky. Yeah, she would just go way out there.

Speaker AAnd you have to like fold it all the way up like a trifold in order to unfold it.

AlexOh, wow.

MerlinIt collapses on you eventually. But yeah, she would do that every afternoon. That's just what people did. It's nuts. But I had a possibly, let's put it this way. I had gone to the Busch Gardens water park one day and the beach the next day. So I was sunburned on the first day. But on the second day, I was outside for like probably eight hours. And I got such a bad sunburn, like my skin turned a little white and started moving.

Speaker AOoh, you got the bubbles.

MerlinI got the bubbles. One time I was in an open boat in 1986 for like about 12 hours in Florida. And like I got sun poisoning. I was sick for a month after that. Like I had cold sores. I was like really screwed up. And like now today, like, I mean, I don't know if it's like your kid's school, but like, you know, my kid's school, especially preschool, like SPF application was almost as important as like handwashing. It's like part of the culture now.

Speaker AOh, yeah, absolutely. Absolutely. I mean, you got to get a good base, really, is what you have to start with. That good sailor base for sunburns. No, I'm kidding.

AlexAll right. So I need to put sunscreen on every day, apparently.

Speaker AAll right. I need to go back to the goopy stuff under your skin. Tell me about this.

AlexOh, oh, uh, the, the sebum, the sebum, uh, cause my gigantic ass pores, like sometimes it looks like there's, I mean, well, it always looks like I have a bunch of blackheads, but apparently like half of those aren't blackheads. It's, it's just, you're supposed to have goo in your face. And I'm like, excuse me.

Speaker ADo you ever just like take your nail in the shower and like run it across your forehead and like the goo comes out? And then it's like, oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

AlexAnd apparently that's normal. And I'm like, but why? Like there's already so many disgusting things our bodies do. I just want a couple that I'm not horrified by. Like, I just for 15 minutes want to not hate myself.

MerlinIt would be nice if you had something you could be genuinely proud of, something your body produces that you could say, I made this. So that would be nice.

AlexI um like a child I don't know what like a child who's like hey look I made a doo doo doo in the

Merlinpotty don't flush it that's my special gift maybe there could be something like that for you it doesn't have to be poop but you deserve that you've earned that Alex you've had a hard life

Alexand like you deserve to produce something you can be proud of I I agree uh I don't know what that would be uh but oh so maybe I should you oh you know what I mean Tiff brought this up that uh that it's it's satisfying when acne hits of like does a does like a what would you even call it a mirror splooge uh yeah projectile i mean you're next to the mirror so it's like you know mirror

Speaker Atarget practice oh you should draw a target on your mirror that's that's so disgusting and i

Alexlove it so much wow you hate it love it you hate it love it oh god i mean that doesn't that doesn't quite happen anymore but now with as i emerge from my cave more and more and my uh mac mask i feel like we need a turn yeah like it should be definitely mask mask i know that uh uh people are by people i mean you guys are putting things in the super secret text channel but i didn't think it through that i will not be wearing my glasses for a while during this recording

Merlinoh boy i think there's a i mean like i don't take us too far off but like i and we shouldn't talk about this but but um i do think there are certain kinds of things how does one say like everybody yeah everybody likes to smell their own farts it is said or maybe you got the scab off maybe you get the scab off in one piece or maybe you're particularly happy with with your bm i think there are things in one's life where you are secretly proud of what you've produced and maybe that could be your pimple pop.

Speaker AOkay. Okay. I can see that. Wait, wait, wait, wait. Pause. Yeah. I hope. Not the fart smell. I know, but.

MerlinEverybody likes their own brand. That's what they say.

AlexI thought that was an expression. Do some people actually enjoy the smell of their own farts?

MerlinI think it's empirical that you would prefer to smell your own than to have it dealt by another, for example.

AlexOh, interesting.

MerlinUnless it's a real doggy one. You ever make a real doggy one? I don't know what that means. Oh, have you ever? Well, has your dog ever farted? R.I.P.

AlexMy dog's dead, Merlin. Wow.

MerlinOh, shit. Wow. That's really. On this day. Cruel. Merp, merp, merp. Okay. Well, a dog fart can be a very, I'm going to say a sharp fart. It's a high and tight, very sharp fart. If you've ever been around a bulldog, woof. Does hops make a lot of toots?

Speaker ANot that many. He gets blamed for more than he makes, as they do. There was one time he farted and he woke himself up from a nap, which I thought was really funny.

AlexOh, that's so cute. Yes. That's what my brothers would do with my dog. But she wouldn't actually fart that often. But when she did, it was like a small panic attack. Like, what just happened to my body? Like, the same. Yeah.

Speaker AAnd then they'd turn around, they do their little curve, and they smell their butt. And they're like, what is happening back there? Yep.

MerlinYes. They love their butts. Remind me in the after show to tell you a joke from my youth about blaming farts on a dog. Alex, where would people find the after show?

AlexOh, well, they would go to giveusyourfuckingmoney.com. And you might say, why is that the URL? Well, it is because we have a Patreon. And that Patreon, for only $5 a month, you can, one, support this show. Two, you get an entirely separate show called The After Show. And it's really great. That's where I talk about my period more. I still don't remember what I was supposed to talk about last week. Oh, the minor hate crime I experienced.

Speaker AThat's what I was supposed to talk about. Wait, I know what. We should pull these masks off for the after show.

AlexOh, it's supposed to be on that long. Oh, I guess we have been...

Speaker AIt says 20 to 30 minutes, right? Yeah.

AlexOh, my God. Oh, my God.

Speaker AIf it still feels wet, it's not done yet.

AlexYep, it still feels wet.

MerlinIf it's wet, it's not done yet. Yeah. It's a good rhyme to live by

AlexI mean according to Ben Shapiro

MerlinBlackface, blackface and warning Sailors take warning

AlexYes

MerlinOh boy These are really bad photos

AlexThese are not photograph oh geez oh there's a segment we haven't done on this show in a very long time which is which is what is tiff eating oh yeah oh my gosh that's right i forgot about that segment

Speaker Aoh what have i been eating it's been really random a lot of seafood so i say agonically

Merlinhas your has your have your have your diet and preferences changed uh in the covet times

Speaker AYes, I have reintroduced the carbs and things have expanded. Interesting. But only slightly, only slightly. We're going to get back on track and we'll get away and we'll find peace again.

Alexwell it's also hard because there are like i i um you know have unique and mild preferences in food in that i i just don't i i want it plain but like chicken and like regular nuts are in short supply where we are like um i mean there is that website that merlin discovered nuts.com but and that's where that's the only place that i can get almonds anymore it's very very really but

Speaker ABut yeah, I'm so glad Merlin found that. It's so good.

MerlinYeah, I was happy to introduce Marco to that in particular, because I really want to see that boy get in some nut butter.

Speaker AOh, we're so thankful over in this household. We would have never known if it weren't for you.

MerlinYou would never know. And you know, they deliver really fast. That's the other thing. They always exceed expectations. Those are good ass nuts. Yeah, they are.

AlexI mean, who hasn't had a good ass nut?

Speaker AI haven't tried their ass nuts yet.

MerlinYou should try the ass nuts. They're really good. And they're not difficult to accommodate, as long as you're extremely relaxed.

Speaker AWait, do you get your ass not salted or unsalted? You'll know. You'll know.

MerlinWhat you want to do is really relax your pelvic floor. Do you guys know about FODMAP? What? I just learned about FODMAP.

AlexFODMAP.

MerlinFODMAP. It's the kinds of especially carbs that you're supposed to avoid if you've got tummy issues, especially IBS. You ever heard of that? I just learned about this.

AlexDo I have to Google something?

MerlinF-O-D-M-A-P.

AlexOh, the FODMAP doctor. Dr. Kristen Best Benston.

MerlinDr. FODMAP is my father.

AlexI can tell it's working because my face is getting tighter and it's a little bit.

Speaker AIs your face getting tighter?

AlexUh-huh. Oh, boy. No, that's.

Speaker ATell me how tight your face is.

AlexI'm real constricted. I don't think that I would be receiving or be able to. I don't know if anybody were to be able to give me a facial at this point. because I don't know how I would convince them to give me a fish. Okay, so feel FODMAP fabulous. Don't FODMAP alone.

MerlinI'm sorry. I'm derailing. Carbs. I try to watch the carbs, but they can be so good. You know what it is mainly? I am so fucking tired of thinking about food. Every night we have to feed the family. It sounds so lame, but we're lucky to have food. We're fortunate, but every afternoon I'm like, shit. I'm just so tired and I fall back on that whole I know my kid will eat noodles why don't I just make some noodles I'm just so tired of all of it and then sometimes we have event food nights and it's really fun

as you know we have theme nights that I'm a big fan of we have potato night just the night before last we have all sides night all those kinds of things do you think that's a normal thing is everybody feeling that? like I'm just tired of thinking about food

Speaker AI mean, that's one of the most upsetting things about being an adult is deciding what you're eating every single day. Like every day you have to decide. And so what we've been doing, we have been on a rotating schedule on who decides for dinner. So I only have to decide every three days. So that's good.

MerlinOh, well, we also do a thing. Well, this is based on the wonderful character, Peggy Hill. We have one of our theme nights. It's called Spin the Choice.

Speaker AMe amo Peggy Hill.

Merlinspend the choice night is where we do take out but everybody gets to pick what it is they want

Speaker Ataken out oh nice see at least at least someone else is choosing some of the time do you ever have a standing lunch we have a standing lunch sometimes where we just take stuff out of the

Alexfridge and we stand at the counter and we eat it that's my lunch every day oh that's called that's called foraging night that's foraging night at our house okay wait so this is one part of my life that I really won't ever have to well it depends but I just go into the kitchen and I'm like that is a I haven't gotten to the point where I'm just like eating a cup full or not a cup a tablespoon of olive oil but like I'm like all right that's the high fat like keto peanut butter

I just have that it's super easy to like be on a cool fad diet because then you're just like oh

Merlinyeah this i have to eat i don't want to just just glide past this alexandra it might understand that you sometimes will take out the olive oil get a tablespoon of that and then just go put down

Speaker Ayum good no no no no no no i mean people do that with apple cider vinegar for their skin

Merlini call it acv i'll do an acv bath i like an acv bath all right i have something upsetting that

Speaker Ajust happened my dog just went wild which means someone's at the door you can hear him oh i can't answer the door the d-o the d-o in this office not moving pretending like there is no life inside of this house but yet i am speaking ain't nobody in here oh no oh no no no

203. Emotional Support Door

Show notes

Transcript

203. Emotional Support Door

Show notes

Transcript

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