185. Mr. Battery

MaxI'm on Skype. Check, check. Oh, boy. Oh, my goodness. No, this sounds good. This is the show now. Hey, everybody. Welcome to Dubai Friday. I'm here with my co-host Merlin Mann, the Internet's own Merlin Mann. Merlin, how are you feeling this week?

All right. Merlin short-circuited. He'll be rebooting himself.

AlexThis is Do By Friday, a weekly challenge podcast with Merlin Mann, Alex Cox, and Max Temkin. This week's challenge, go somewhere.

Speaker BI'm on Skype. I'm on Skype.

MaxThis is good. This is how we want the show to start. I actually like it. It's actually funny to me. I'm not mad. I'm just disappointed. Do you guys want to hear the fucking crazy bullshit that I'm dealing with this morning? It's wild. It's as wild as I've ever had in a business situation. So we open up this game.

AlexAll right. Hold up. Hold up. Okay. Proceed.

Speaker BIs Alex, have I driven you to drinking already? Grip it and rip it.

AlexMmm. Aspartame. I'm always into eating ass.

MaxCrush it against your forehead when we're done. so we'll do um we built the game cafe a couple you know over the last whatever six months and then we opened like three weeks before the pandemic made us close and um it's okay we actually we actually did get uh some ppp money come through so thank you president trump thank you for your support you have you've definitely earned my vote again for your re-election now you're a warrior yeah no i'm on board but uh so we're okay we are we are not in uh imminent

danger of closing this week which is nice it's good to have a little like breathing room but basically we had all these different you know contractors and subcontractors and specialists and builders and all you know also we have all this like theatrical stuff so all these like theater companies can't come in and build stuff for us uh over the last course of the last six months and one of these companies you know before we we sort of shut everything down they invoiced us for their work, which was a lot of money. And, you know, like,

something like 50, 60 grand.

AlexA lot, yes.

MaxIt was like 50, 60 grand of construction. They're like a specialty builder, right? They make special stuff. Not just like a guy who puts in drywall

Speaker Aor whatever. Like a sex dungeon

Maxor something. Yes, exactly. Well, they're like your leather, your craft leather. Oh, like 50 contractors

Speaker Aof gray. Got it. Yes, exactly.

MaxAnd they invoiced us and we paid them and so on and so forth. But I guess because of the coronavirus, maybe other factors, these guys are kind of splitting up the company. And they're having a very acrimonious, you know, split. And so we get yesterday, we get a letter from, I don't even think it's one of the guys. I think it's like another guy who they owed money to who did work, who was like a sub, sub, subcontractor. And he was like, I'm going to put a, he's like, I have not been paid. I'm putting a lien on the property.

AlexWhat?

MaxYeah. Because he's like, because I haven't been paid. So he called. So I was like, so I don't know. He's been also like a lot of our employees have like taken unemployment or they're furloughed or whatever the situation. I mean, we haven't, we haven't done like layoffs per se, but we are not fully staffed also. And he's been like contacting people maybe that aren't, you know, contactable because they're not working their nine to five, you know, hours or whatever. So he was getting real, I guess he was getting real pissed. And I, you know, I left him a voicemail. And last night he could.

I'm sorry.

MerlinI'm a little bit swimming here. So you hired the dungeon man.

MaxYes.

Speaker AYou hired Philip Dungeonman. Yes. And the dungeon man.

MaxI hired a man to build the dungeon. Okay.

Speaker ASo we got a lady who swallowed a dungeon situation.

MaxAnd this guy hired another guy to make. He didn't make the straps. He made like just the little.

Speaker AOh, he made like the paddle hooks.

MaxYes. Exactly. that he made an accessory for the straps. Now you put it in a way I can understand. Yes. Yeah. Anyway, this guy calls me 8 a.m. I was up at, you know, I was up until like two in the morning reading my magic books in the bathtub.

This guy calls me at 8 a.m. Repeatedly. And he goes, he goes, don't pay the, he goes, stop the check. You've paid the wrong thing. And I was like, and he's like, I'm going to put a lien unless you pay me. And he was giving me the whole story. And this guy said this, and then they did that.

Speaker AOn the phone, not a voicemail.

MaxOn the phone, on the phone. And I'm like confused because I just woke up and it's absurd.

Speaker AVisions of coin tricks dancing in your head.

MaxI told the guy, I was like, here's the deal. I had a contract with this company. They invoiced us. I paid the invoice. That's the end of the relationship. Like I am not involved in your messy split. Like I'm sorry you didn't get paid, but I'm not the problem here. Like you need to go deal with them. So this fucking guy is putting a lien on our property and now I have to have a meeting with the landlord and the landlord's like, why is there a lien on that? a thing it's a mess man and i'm gonna have to call lawyers and like why like to what end like he's not gonna win like i have like i am literally i'm looking right now at a picture on my computer

showing the check that was cashed like it was paid done we're out we paid the invoice it's very it's we live in a society we live in a society i know okay here's my question i'm becoming jokerfied

Speaker Aoh god no you got bored when so when you say put a lien on something like i i don't don't ask me i

Maxdon't know what that means it's a thing everyone is saying a lot i don't know what it means i

Speaker Aunderstand what that means it means it means i can prove that there is a debt here ask matt ask

Maxmatt he's the official attorney of dubai friday and he gives us compliments oh yeah he gives you legal advice legal 100 certified legal advice as my attorney oh sorry enlo it's so refreshing to

Speaker Afinally run into one of these fucking lawyers who doesn't say this is not legal advice. It's so cool of Matt to say, even though we're not in an official law relationship, everything I give is by definition legal advice.

AlexYes. Oh, God. Matt Enloe, I didn't think I'd be apologizing for you, but I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Alright, let's go on. Explain to Merlin. Can I say my thing? Can I say my thing? I'm sorry. It's another show where I'm talking again. But can you?

Speaker AYeah, I thought we mentioned this.

AlexI truly don't understand the difference between like a lien on the property. If you're a contractor for like what? What? What? Pretend I am more of an idiot than I am.

MerlinMax, you probably learned this at the strip mall law school. But the question becomes, does he?

MaxOkay, if I can.

MerlinAnd this is why I want to say words. Does he have standing? It's like America is so fucking dumb. Because nobody here, everybody's watched thousands of hours of Law and Order, but we still don't understand the difference between an arrest, a charge, an indictment, a conviction. We still don't understand the difference between those things. In a healthy functioning system, those all mean different things. In a healthy functioning system, an arrest would be understood as a very different thing from a conviction.

MaxWell, I'm going to, I told this guy that if he puts the lien. if this this fucking guy i told him if he puts a lien on our thing i said i'm gonna have the marshal of the supreme court and panel a grand jury oh shit he didn't see that coming yeah you

Speaker Agonna have the sergeant sergeant of arms bring the master mason i'm not an expert but if i had

Maxto say what a lien is i would say that a lien is a legal right or a claim against a piece of property by a creditor and now liens are commonly placed against property such as homes and cars so creditors can collect what is owed to them liens are removed giving clear title to the property to the actual owner. Oh, and this is an and another thing that I know is that liens can be both

Speaker Avoluntary and involuntary, huh? Okay. All right. So, so then what I'm doing from reading between the lines, I didn't, I've just gone to like, you know, like a mail order law school, not like an official, like a strip mall law school. But I, but I, what I, reading between the lines, he does have standing and it's completely normal and healthy for a subcontractor to have a lien against a leased property. So basically, he gets your lease.

Speaker BHonestly, he could have it. Okay.

Speaker AThat would be a voluntary lien.

MaxLean on me! You could have the whole fucking game cafe, man.

Speaker AYou could have the whole Shagilla, baby. You want to make some giant fucking scissors and cut the ribbon? Yeah, throw me in the fucking fire patch. Oh no! Oh no, my lease!

MaxI have a really funny... Let me get your advice on something. Yes, please. I got a DM that I really enjoyed, and this was on the Instant Gram application. Instantaneous Gram. Okay, here we go. So this is a DM that I received Monday at 11 p.m. so good okay i just got this out of the blue dear mr temkin oh boy oh boy title dear mr temkin

our names are ethan ryan and ryan already good i'm in already good all right we are three best friends from abington pennsylvania and have uh been friends for 10 years now to celebrate this milestone and the inevitable end to this quarantine, we wanted to do something special. We have all been obsessed with the Tesla cars since they came out, so we decided we wanted to try to take one on autopilot all the way across the United States.

However, we cannot afford a Tesla. Consequently, we have been reaching out daily to all the wealthy and famous people we can find online in an attempt to receive donations to make this trip happen.

If you can find it in your heart, please let me know if you would be interested in helping us out.

AlexHoly fuck.

Speaker BCan I ask a follow-up question? Did you find it in your heart?

MaxWe know that you are into doing things that are considered abnormal, like having people donate to dig a hole, spelled W-H-O-L-E. Like dig a hole. So we think this sponsorship can be your next amazing abnormal project. oh my god let us know let us know thanks let us know ethan ryan and ryan oh okay bless your heart so i replied back i replied back i am mr temkin is my father i you know what all you know what game recognized game all respect yep yep i kind of oh man i you know

Merlinthe thing is when it's a straight up request for something fucked up you have so much respect for

Alexme i just i have so much confusion around this and i realize it's because i don't i mean i guess i do ask for shit all the time but i've never been like hey millionaires can i use a car maybe i should maybe i should just go on twitter and say i haven't driven an electric car in like six months can someone please like just it's my it's my dream it's it's it's my dream i i have to

Maxsay, I read this message and it was a really good one. I get a lot of these. This was a really good one. I just appreciate that they're just out there. The situation is that we want a Tesla. And the problem we have is that we don't have the Tesla. You have the Tesla. We want the Tesla. Right. I kind of dig it. So I'm not going to buy them a Tesla. I can't. I mean, first of all.

Speaker ASo are you saying you're saying what you're saying to me is you didn't find it in your heart?

MaxI did not find it in my heart. Now, I do not have buy a Tesla money, but I was thinking that maybe I would get on a Skype call. I'm sort of invested in these idiots and their quest now.

Speaker BI think we should have them on the show. We should for sure have them on the show.

AlexMerlin, I'm not kidding. I want to. Please, please let this happen.

MaxI was thinking of maybe setting up a Skype call where I'm not going to purchase the Tesla, but I may have a little strategy session with them.

Speaker AOkay. That is good. Can I yes and you? Can I suggest that you make it something more like, say, a game show? So there used to be a really good, a very famous game show. And you might know it as the $64,000 question on radio. It was the $64 question. So the first question is very, very simple. And if you get it correct, you get $1. You answer the second question correctly, you get $2 and so forth until you get up.

And I think it doubles every time. And the questions get way, way harder.

AlexIs this Who Wants to Be a Millionaire? Or is this a bit?

Speaker ANo, it's a new show by Mr. Temkin called Found in My Heart. It's called Found in My Heart. Got it. And he gets you on the blower. And there's a little bit of an interview, you know, like an Alex Trebek moment. And then Max will decide how much money to give you based on whether you can solve his riddles.

oh god so close oh we were we were looking for the laugher curve the laugher curve so sorry um you have to do this you must do this and if you want any help i would be your sidekick or you know alex should be your sidekick i should be your band i just have so many questions we're

Maxgonna set up a skype with them and we're gonna record it if it's funny it may maybe it'll wind up in the Dubai Friday feed. And it probably, Mike, listen, I guarantee this will disappoint us. Like, you know what I mean? It's not going to be what we want.

Speaker BWell, because my biggest problem is the word hole.

MerlinI really got hung up on hole because the idea of him saying, you give money to stupid projects like digging a hole with an H is pretty funny. Now, did they misspell it because they're not smart or did they misspell it because they're doing something hat on a hat? And I really feel like finding my heart is the only way that we're going to learn whether these boys are game for some really serious Tesla money.

Speaker AThey could get up to $64 from you. How much is your time worth, Ryan, too?

AlexI will give $75 to them if they compete and win up to $75 in this game show slash call that's being concocted.

Speaker AOh, wait a minute. So maybe there's another game show and you have Temkin All-Star season. Now that's hosted by Alex. And that's a different program. And now maybe it's a skills challenge. Maybe it's a survivor kind of thing. It's your game, Alex.

AlexI mean, I feel like I would be the edge of extinction for the people who got kicked off Max's Island. For like, okay, you were the men who couldn't get money from people as someone who has to...

Speaker AWould there be a giant head of you?

AlexYeah, no, a giant something of me.

Speaker AI saw the giant head and I thought, wow, that looks like Alex.

AlexI still can't believe that's a thing that was on television.

Speaker ALike you and Tom Colicchio would be so fun.

AlexOh, boy. Oh, boy.

Speaker AMax, man, wow. Your DMs are open? Yeah, on everything.

AlexWe've discussed this. It's not that weird.

MaxBecause you take the, you know what? you take the good with the bad and i i it's sometimes i get some stuff i'm not happy about but other but then it's like i i like how funny is it that these kids are like like it's very funny yeah yeah i i just oh fuck you know what let me just say this also to any of our listeners do don't parrot don't send me a parody dm i don't want to hear it if you're like oh would you buy Let me stop you right there.

It's already, you know, I'm already bored.

MerlinWe have lots of items of news and topics in our doc here. I'm going to jump straight to number two. Max and Alex, answer any way you want. Are the Libertarians okay right now?

Speaker BAre you seeing the footage from there? Can we play the Dobby clip? Please. Well, I think Dobby would be a really nice appy,

Merlinand then I want to really tuck into some unpronounceable name, sell all your possessions, Twitter.

MaxYes, okay.

MerlinOh, sorry, quick, Max.

Speaker AMax, what is the context for, what am I looking at here?

MaxWhat's the context for this? Merlin, what we're looking at is a clip from the Libertarian Presidential Nominating Convention in Orlando, Florida.

Speaker AOkay.

MaxThis was from 2017, but it was kind of making the rounds, and it was very funny. It was making the rounds this week, and it really tickled me.

Speaker BYou're a mascot, and I would like to propose Dobby from the Harry Potter series, who in the seventh book says, Dobby has no master, Dobby is a free elf, and Dobby has come to save Harry Potter and his friends.

MaxThere's a lot of mixed reactions in that crowd You've got to see the You know what? As I'm watching it, it's occurring to me It's like the visual It helps to see

Speaker BShe's a really funny looking lady It has big Parks and Rec energy

MaxYes, yes

Speaker BExcept for Turnip

MaxShe kind of pounds her chest At the end in a very funny way We'll put it in the show notes Go watch, treat yourself to the video Listen, have a little video as a treat

Speaker AYou've earned it. I talked about this with my friend Dan Benjamin on Tuesday, and I don't want to go too far into it. There's a character that I'm calling Philip W. Battery because I refuse to say his name in Invoke the Flying Monkeys. But Philip W. Battery is having a hell of a week. And let's just say this. There was a time, and I'm not shaming. No shame. I'm not shaming here.

AlexNo, shame should happen.

Speaker ANo, no, no, no, no. This is a safe place for me. this used to be your problematic boyfriend. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. And he's having what appears to be a pretty serious week. Oh, boy.

MaxI am ready.

Speaker APhilip W. Battery is having a big, big week.

MaxI am ready to hear all about this because I see it sort of out there, and I've kind of been screening it out, and I could use the whole explainer on the...

Speaker BOh, we need the explainer. Alex, explainer, please.

MerlinWhat is happening with Philip W. Battery?

AlexAll right. Philip W. Battery, co-creator, kind of a PayPal, but also...

MerlinWait, sorry. Real quick, real quick. Sorry. Sorry. In the game, allegedly. We will also need a name for his baby mama. I'm going to suggest Smudge. Philip W. Battery has a famous...

MaxWhy are we not saying the name? Are we not saying...

MerlinHave you ever invoked the name of Philip W. Battery or his company on Twitter?

MaxI understand.

Speaker BYes. I have not. I'm going to guess you haven't because you would know if you had.

AlexYeah. Yeah. Even in jest, like, woof. I've never done the, like, star celebrities or, you know what I mean, censor celebrities' names. They don't see it.

Speaker AWell, look what happened to poor Arko Schmarman. Poor Arko Schmarman, when he mentioned it.

AlexOh, poor Arko. Oh, you hate to see it. You hate to.

MerlinAlex, give me some context. What are we talking about here?

AlexMr. Battery is a multimillionaire who owns companies and founded companies like SpaceX and famously... Is it?

Speaker AWhat's the name of the company?

AlexDid I?

Speaker AThe car company is called Battery and...

AlexI'm sorry. Spaceship Extreme.

Speaker BIt's called Rocket Cock.

AlexOkay, Rocket Cock, and then the zooming battery car?

Speaker AOh, and also, he's one of the co-founders of Usurious Money Assistant.

MaxIt's the worst. Usurious Money Assistant.

Speaker AOh, boy.

Speaker BIt was purchased by auction site. Imagine if you had some sort of transaction friend. Yeah, exactly. What if you had a Bitcoin buddy? But not that much of a friend. Not so much. He's going to be taking some fees.

Speaker AHe's got to make it the Jews. Hey, whatever money you make, go through your Bitcoin, boy. I got to make it the Jews.

Speaker BAll right, with all that established.

MaxYeah, I think people probably know exactly what we're talking about now.

AlexOkay, so Mr. Battery and Smudgy have been in an on and off relationship since 2018. Previously, I was in a relationship with Mr. Smudgy that he may or may have not known about because I am a little bit obsessed with the bleep loop cars because I don't like the dinosaur cars because they smell weird. And I don't know. I just like when the cars go bleep bloop and not vroom vroom.

MaxWhat the fuck are you talking about? Now I'm confused. Now I'm lost.

AlexI bet you are.

Speaker AOkay, I'm going to type in this channel and then I'm going to throw my computer out the window.

AlexOh my God. Okay, so Mr. Battery and Smudge had a baby. apparently while smudge was in labor mr battery was having a full mental breakdown on twitter where not only is he like reopened the country he's just like i'm he's so he's so mad a mask

Maxis a muzzle and he's so mad he was having father's psychosis oh pre-father psychosis

Speaker AHe says he pre-father.

AlexAnd, you know, as he does. Yeah.

Speaker AThere's a lot of stress when you're a billionaire having a baby.

AlexYep. The thing is, these are all terrible, dangerous ideas to say on Twitter, especially when you're a billionaire. but I can see myself just going full manic on Twitter if I or my partner was in labor. And you talked to Mr. Pipeline yesterday on your program, and were like, there's no way that I would ever do this.

Speaker ADid you hear that on Twerk the Back? Is that where you heard it?

AlexYeah. Yeah, and I was like, okay, Merlin, I understand that during labor, all of your focus was on your wife at the situation that was happening, but you forget that you're a good person.

Speaker AWeird flex, Merlin.

AlexYeah.

Speaker AWay to support your family, Hansel. Can I just give a little tiny bit more salt and pepper of context here?

AlexAll right, all right.

Speaker AIt'll be real quick. It'll be real quick. But the context for this is that, you know, he has had these outbursts for a long time and they have gotten him in trouble with the board, with the shareholders. And I think one of his meltdowns from a year or two ago got him a pretty hefty fine because he's doing some pretty crazy stuff.

AlexWell, not just that. The stock of Tesla, or I'm sorry, the bloop bloop company and the space company like plummets literally every time he tweets, even if it's just like a retweet of, look it, I like this car.

MerlinIt's almost like you want to have a leader with, I don't know, good judgment or. So he's been on this tear for some time now, and he's really been on the forefront of the whole like, this is insane. We've got to reopen the economy. I don't have this right in front of me right now, but there is a place that builds battery cars near here. That's their primary battery car building place. And there's some pretty contentious relationships with the community and especially with the people who work there.

This has included things like a big fire that came out and there was this crazy fire there like last year. There's huge labor problems with the people that work there. and I feel like I'll try to find this for notes but I believe part of the context behind the context is that Philip Battery was ready or beginning to already demand look you're going to bring your ass back to the battery room and you're going to go make some fucking cars because we need to make these cars and so I mean that makes it a little

clearer or rational anyway to understand like why is he acting like this well he wants to sell his fucking cars but then then as so often happens and maybe it's because he's listening to the doobie brothers if you know what i mean but then he just he gets a little he gets a little silly sometimes so within a period of i want to say just a few hours he declared that his own stock in the battery company was overpriced and which led to a 10 drop in a day uh he also said that he would be selling almost

all of his belongings. Run me some of the other things that he said.

AlexOh, let me pull this up on Twitter.

Speaker ABut it was quite a tear, and it really sounded like, I mean, you know, like he was, I don't know, I hate to say it, I don't want to trigger anybody, but it sounded like he was going to hurt himself or something.

AlexHe was like... Oh, this was a full-on, like, I don't think it was a suicide thing. It was like, I am going full manic.

MaxI've muted all these words on Twitter. So could someone just like tell, like, I don't know. I mean, I get that. I don't know. Can we just tell me what the fuck happened? Because I was.

AlexAll right.

MaxYeah.

AlexSo he tweeted last week, Tesla stock price is too high. IMO. Now give people back their freedom. All caps. Can I ask you?

MaxHang on one second. Isn't he wasn't one? Isn't there a situation where he's not supposed to tweet about the Tesla stock anymore? Because there was like, I think that's correct.

Speaker AI think whether or not that's like a legal thing, I think it's definitely like a like I think he's gotten read the riot act by his people. OK, so so then he goes into basically has a tweet thread that appears to be the lyrics to the Star Spangled Banner over a series of tweets.

AlexWhat? I thought that I was going crazy at that point.

Speaker AThen he pivots to the wonderful Welsh poet Dylan Thomas by saying, he paraphrases the late Mr. Thomas by saying, rage, rage against the dying of the light of consciousness.

Which is very, I don't know, Chris Trager. I'm selling almost all physical possessions, will own no house. My girlfriend, Smudge, is mad at me.

AlexOh, you forgot after the, I will own no house, he says, just one stipulation on sale. I own Gene Wilder's old house it cannot be torn down or lose any it's just one

Speaker Astipulation

Alexokay buddy yeah okay all right good for you good for you um

Speaker Agood talk good talk uh so I don't know I just want to know if they're are they okay are they talking to people are people checking listen if you listen

Merlinif you have an old person or a libertarian in your family it might be both please check in on them just make

Alexsure that they're okay well we haven't even gotten to the name of the child we sure haven't um

Speaker Abut somewhere in here i think i have a link yeah so basically then there was an article i believe now let's understand this is all in the context of of a grown man who's a billionaire whose girlfriend famous girlfriend is about to have a baby this is all happening within a basically a couple days before that a couple three days and then he um according to an article i can find for notes, I think on SFGate, he did list two of his houses. So in the 72 hours before his child will be coming into the world, he made sure to put

two of his houses on the market.

AlexThat doesn't sound, I mean, it sounds crazy, but not unfeasible because you text somebody and the assistant does it.

Speaker BMerlin, you're the only one of us who's had a kid. As far as I know. Yeah. What's going on? Is it possible that there's some psychology happening here?

Merlinum i i don't i'm not i'm not entirely sure you know in some ways this this sort of dovetails with what we talked about last week when we're talking about agency and like why are people trying to inject sunlight into their lungs and it's because they want to have something they want to not just have something to do they want to do something they don't know what else to fucking do right now there's so many things that none of us control right now including the billionaires and i wonder if part of it is like alex is sort of implying as a kind of as we used to say manic energy um it's just that you know housing security for example is is a thing that

that uh i would not be it would not be in my top 45 things that i would be fucking with before my wife goes into labor because you know not all labors go great is another thing oh boy they do not not a lot not a lot of people know this yeah but like it can be pretty tricky and it's a lot of work for the lady and a lot of the times uh you uh you as a as a man like a an actual man like in the old time sense of the word it's your job to be there and shut the fuck up and

just take care of shit it's like you are you no one needs any of your opinions right now if you're you know i'm saying like i'm not i'm not something this is for everybody this is the thing this is i went into this with like i'm gonna try and be so egoless about this i'm gonna be there. I'm going to take photos. I'm going to like, I'm just going to be there to be the assistant to these human beings, the one who's here now and the one who God willing will be here soon. My job is to fucking show up and do whatever needs to be done. Not ask for a thank you, not ask for an

apology, but for somebody like me, who's pretty conceited, that was a lot of work. I don't think he's gone through that particular process, it feels like. Unless, maybe he's great. Maybe behind the scenes he's like you know oh you know uh could i could i bring you a generator or a capsule these are things that i'm interested in i haven't slept since last june

Alexi'm wondering if if well obviously there's some projection going on here and it's by no means like a jealousy but it's i don't know do you have some sort of code for like the job of the person as you said the the man's man who is bringing the ice chips i i don't know why why do it's called the iceman the iceman's code the the iceman's code because you don't know these humans and

you don't know their situations and honestly if i can smudge was probably uh on whatever safe drugs like I bet that she was like on ecstasy when having every kid, which seems like it would

Merlinmight be fun. It might be terrible. You know, we have we have we have a lot of fun here. We have a lot of fun here. But there is a truth here that is not a fun truth, but it's an enduring truth. And it's not a popular or particularly politic truth, which is that everybody's doing the best they can, mostly, and everybody's probably having a hard day. A little bit. Like, everybody almost every day. It's just that when you are super rich, even if you're like, let's say you're even like a rich, powerful, influential, however, like, there are people who hate Tom Hanks for some

reason. I don't know, but I guess they just despise the fact that he can afford a typewriter.

MaxWhatever. I don't love Tom Hanks. I find him, like, I find him smarmy in a lot of his... Like, I see Tom Hanks on screen, and I'm like, I'm gonna have to overcome the Tom Hanks, Tom Hanksiness here to like this role.

AlexThe point, the point, the point being, I hate you so much. Oh my God.

MaxYou know, this is, I think that this is a very common opinion and a lot of people are scared and a lot of people are scared to say it.

Speaker AYou just took all my silverware away and then my food.

MaxI'm going to, I'm breaking the silence and I'm saying I find Tom Hanks kind of smarmy. I'm not excited when he's in a movie the point being we wrote a Cards Against Humanity card one time because we were talking about this and we were talking about how we're all tired of too much Tom Hanks sorry I chose so poorly anyway

Speaker Btell me about your comedy comedy card game

Maxand we wrote a card this is all going to be edited out we wrote a card Tom Hanks alright I'm not going to say it then no now i know now i need to know it's your card we wrote well we didn't publish it we wrote a card tom hanks shooting a young black girl because we just it's a very good card because we just thought of how funny how quick it would just be so it would just be so funny how quickly everyone would turn on him and everyone would be so upset and it's just so out of character i don't know it just

it's just came from a dark place and it just made us laugh and no i i understand that let me put this

Speaker BWe struggle to put this a different way that you can sympathize. It really upset people.

MaxWe did not publish it.

MerlinOkay. How many movies, TV shows? Think about how many things you've seen that's like a genre you might call bird in a gilded cage. Like, you know, being Princess Margaret probably hasn't been that, that fun. Being Queen Elizabeth probably has not been that, that fun. Don't interrupt me. And the point being that, like, you know what? I think this is probably her first baby. She's probably pretty worked up about it. I mean, while the entire world is more than happy to guess the motivations and secret conspiracies behind every person that they don't know,

yet they're totally often totally unwilling to accept that everybody's scared of the same shit on some level. and like you can you Alex how would you be feeling right now if you knew it could be like yesterday or two weeks from now the 10 pounds of human come out of your downstairs I mean there's a lot to think about it hurts it's uncomfortable it's all and so like but just like maybe I don't know I don't know their relationship maybe it's a Bill and Hillary situation I don't know but that's a funny card

you should have published it

Alexyou seem like a fan of smudge i i am a fan of smudge you don't like her you don't like her music no no no i am i am a fan of especially smudge's first album you know because i liked her before it

Speaker Awas cool our latest one's good it's got some bangers it's very diverse and i don't know like

Alexi don't care or want to speculate about whether or not it it's it's celebrity gossip and and that's quiet like i mean which would be awful if they were humans they well well that's the thing you can go full chapo and be like are billionaires humans but like if you are a billionaire your brain is broken a little bit even if you have been born like a normal human being because you're just so out of the realm of reality that i why are you laughing at me i think alex is i actually think

Speaker Balex is right i think you're of course you do you're really if you have that much money you guys have not had your ass kicked enough by life to think other humans suffer if you

Maxif you have that much money your relationship to other people changes in a in a really profound way

Alexyep he thought a roller coaster would be better than a union for his employees and i like yeah that's horrific

Speaker Ais that how he presented it did he go to the shop store and was like well I think I have I would like to respond to your request for dental care how would you feel about a roller coaster

Alexit's like he didn't know how to union bust so he bought a roller coaster instead

MaxI'm listening to all my you know my Epstein podcasts and I think all the time about like Epstein at this point they're like your children Yes, yes. I think all the time about what does it mean? And it's like it's a conspiracy that if you had told me that it existed, that there were like rich and powerful people, you know, celebrities and politicians and that they were all fucking children in a huge organized network and that it was like covered up and had all these links to like intelligence services and stuff. I'd say this is your wacko like that cannot possibly be the case. But like, I mean, like this one, you went too far. You went too far with the connections on this one.

It's not even the connections. I'm saying it's the fact that it happened. You cannot dispute that what Epstein did happen and that the people he hung out with and all of that. I mean, right? I mean, nobody is like that.

Speaker BIt happened.

MerlinThe facts of what the man did and how he did it may be somewhat ambiguous or incomplete, but the material truth of what the man did is not in dispute.

MaxThere is a network of rich and powerful people, including current and former presidents and presidential nominees allegedly who were involved in sex trafficking children right under the government's nose. That's that's going to get a lead. That is the, that is the fact. Hey, you can have the podcast. Take it.

Anyway, I've thought about what is it that drives people? Why is it that these billionaires are compelled to do this or that this has some draw or something? And I think it's that at a certain point, you become so different from the rest of society that you almost need a way to... it's a, it's a, it's this, it's this, um, it's this little like, like performance or, or it's this like kind of cultish thing where you're saying like the normal laws don't apply to me.

I'm like fully outside of, of the society. The relationship to these, these people are like fully like, like just like objects and property to me. And I, they don't, I don't value them or feel anything about them at all. And pick the word, what's the worst law. Right. And I'm, we're just going to flaunt it. Like doesn't apply to us at all. That that's what I think is sort of at the heart of it.

MerlinAnd do you think that, do you think that's just to ask the obvious question do you think that's what rodrick and i have talked about this like how douchebags get minted and like do you think that is something that you make that is that is that horrible quality that made you successful or is it having

Maxaccidentally become successful you cannot make that you cannot make that amount of money without being a sociopath okay it is not no one has that amount of money honestly impossible impossible

Merlinimpossible so and and then to feed into that you're um not possible right right but also but then also then how do you become that sort of um you become that sort of detached person who can't understand why somebody doesn't get that you invented you invented holes you invented holes in subways why doesn't anybody understand that no no no haha funny joke this is different i want to have a train go underneath the city and you're like yeah that's still a subway at a certain point

Maxyou can afford to only surround yourself with sycophants and people who are paid to obey you. And you could, like, this happens to people, right? I mean, you can go, like, full...

Speaker BYou're not going to invite in a lot of, like, preschool-aged kids

Speaker Ato say something incredibly uncomfortable and honest about you.

MaxYeah. But, uh... Don't you have a wife? You know how when you join a gang, you have to kill someone? I've only seen this on TV. I don't know anything about gangs All the gangs I've joined I think we all have But part of that Is that it's sort of like Well now you're in it There's no turning back

Speaker AIf you do anything fucked up you're coming down with us

MaxYeah and it's sort of like We've crossed the Rubicon Now you're in this thing And I think there's something like that With the child fucking Where you get sort of brought you you sort of like like brought into this this class of people and it's like hey buddy there's no going back like you're keep you know you're in it with us now i don't there's i mean

Alexthere's there's this big debate right now on the the left i i not more of a like philosophical debate happening on on reddit don't at me i like reddit now uh but this idea of can you still have a soul? Or are you born a sociopath and you are just predisposed to become a billionaire? Or do you, quote, accidentally become a billionaire and then you just lose all sense of humanity?

MaxI'm sorry to cut you off, but this is really interesting. I hope I'm not wrong about this, but I think there's only one self-made billionaire in America.

Speaker AIvanka Trump. Ivanka Trump.

MaxMeaning they did not inherit any money or anything like that.

AlexBill Gates? No. I don't know if that... He didn't inherit any...

MaxThat seems a little low. Well, I've heard there's only one.

AlexWho is it?

MaxDavid Copperfield.

AlexOh, my God. Oh, my God. Well, and he's also a kid fucker.

MaxCopperfield has no... What? David Copperfield has no big company. he has no investors no vc he didn't inherit anything the man did a popular magic show twice a day every day for decades and he's i have heard he's the only self-made billionaire in america nobody gave him a dime except for people paying to see his shows and having him make

Alexspecials on tv and things like that i mean who i don't i don't think it's possible to be a self-made billionaire. I don't know if Merlin's the first person to say this, but even Bono has a boss. At one point, David Copperfield had a boss, and then he... Is being a self-made billionaire worse? Because

Merlinthen... Well, it says here that Kylie Jenner is the youngest self-made billionaire.

AlexAh, that's right. Well, again, self-made.

Speaker BI would dispute self-made.

AlexYeah, that is.

Speaker BI mean, she has her own place.

AlexRight.

Speaker Bi mean oh god um what was did we have a challenge we're not wait a minute we have so

Maxi did it obviously i'm just saying for our listeners what was it no it was to go somewhere

Speaker Aoh shit i did do it oh yeah but you owe me a fit you owe me uh you owe me you owe me an

Alexexplainer on fail mercenaries oh um you know or not i'm oh wait hold on pause pause pause before Before we move on from Mr. Battery, do you know how to say the child's name?

MerlinNo. Oh, sorry. Sorry. Okay. So, okay. Now, this is a little edgy for me because now we're talking about a kid, which is a little edgy for me. But it wasn't. Well, I mean, it's not this kid's fault. Why don't make fun of a baby? What the fuck?

AlexI'm not making fun of a baby. I'm making fun of this weird.

Speaker BIs it he or she or we don't know yet?

AlexWell. He. In America, everyone gets to decide their gender. Oh, wow. Did I say it wrong? Did I say it wrong?

MerlinOh, God.

AlexNo. God, this show's over. We're not. I'm not making fun of a infant.

MerlinThey announced the Philip Battery. And I think she kept her original lack of last name.

MaxWait a minute. I'll make fun of an infant. I have no. I don't have a problem.

MerlinOkay, cool, cool. Then you're good to go. So Smudge announced the name of the baby. And it's a little unusual. and then people had a lot of fun with that because that's a thing we do and it's kind of an unusual name and then Smudge, to clarify things posted some clarification on what the name means

Speaker Aand why it's special to Smudge.

AlexX, the unknown variable with a little sword emoji. Yeah, sword crossing emoji. What is the thing that looks like an A-E? it's it it's our is it actually artificial and in taro bang yeah an intero bang the meaning of spelling of ai uh but that isn't right um a minus 12 uh equals precursor to sr-17 our favorite

aircraft no weapons no defenses just speed great in battle but non-violent uh white heart emoji plus A equals Archangel, my favorite, Archangel, my favorite song, and then another sword emoji, a rat emoji, and then it says metal rat. We'll have it in the show notes. It's so confusing. And I've had...

MaxWait, the rat emoji is part of the musk child's name? It's part of the explanation.

MerlinOh, it's part of the explanation. So, you know, sometimes you go to Wikipedia and you land on a disambiguation page. This is like if you went to Wikipedia and landed on an Ambiguation page where you wanted to learn About something and they said well Here's all the things that it's not

AlexThere was also a thing Going on Reddit that The post is x Greek letter C-H-I Pronounce Chi A-I A-12 12th letter of the alphabet Seven meats, three cheeses yep and uh so people are speculating that it's pronounced kyle which i i have a feeling that's that's what it what it is like the whole i i the reason i care i think merlin is similar to you of

like it's it's a child and it's like oh every time a celebrity names a child it's like god you're gonna you sure are gonna have a go of it aren't you since since this show will since this show

Merlinwill never air, I'm going to give you my personal guideline for choosing a name for a person who didn't get to choose their own name. Second, if they decide to change their name, let them, because that name was never yours. And maybe not ever theirs. And that's why we were super cool when our kid said, hey, by the way, from now on, this is what you're going to call me. And we're like, sounds good. My guideline on this, and this is not hard and fast, this is purely just a personal thing for me, is I would ask yourself, whatever name you're giving your kid, and this is going to sound very silly. Like, how much is that you trying to be current, clever, contemporary,

cute, or otherwise, how much, how much you fucking making this thing about you? And if you're going to give your kid, whatever name you give your kid, remember that for the rest of their life, if somebody didn't hear what their name is, or doesn't know what their name is, is there any chance that person could get even close to spelling and pronouncing their name without assistance. I realize this is heavily cultural. But I'm going to give you this. My kid's name, her given name, does have an unusual bit in it that might require spelling

if you didn't know how to spell names. But don't put two twists into that hose. Don't give it two kinks. You know, it's pronounced jennifer. Like, no, it's not. No, it's not. Because now your kid, every first day of school and every other day, probably for the rest of their life, whether that's at Starbucks, like whether that is at the DMV, they're going to spend the rest of their life burning off the fucking life debt of your decision to use a Game of Thrones name.

So just, you know, be cool.

AlexBe, be.

Speaker AThere was one I encountered. There was one, what I say, it was a double kinked hose, this poor fucking kid's name.

Merlinbecause it had two issues. There's the one kind of name where you will never guess my riddle or my true name. You cannot possibly figure out how to spell my name if I say it to you the first time. If it's literally impossible for a typical English speaker in our case to spell, that's a little rough, but then you get a little cute. And then sometimes you'll add a second kink to the hose, and that might be something like a diacritical. Or it could be something like a, but there's a puzzle inside of the riddle that has to be solved.

Imagine being 62 years old and your parents are long dead and you still have to explain what your name is and what it means. That's rough.

AlexYeah. I mean, in the after show, I would like to share my interesting name story, how my parents chose stuff. But I think we should welcome Max back. is Max still here?

MaxDo you guys need me for this one? Now, do you know a Tom Hanks movie that I did like was Bridge of Spies? Oh, I gotta see that.

Speaker BI love Mark Rylance so much.

MaxI mean, first of all, I really don't want to say a lot about it because I went into that movie. I literally went into that movie.

MerlinIs it kind of a mood and experience?

MaxNo, it's not that hard. It's not hard to watch.

Speaker BIt's just a... No, no, no. I just mean, but I mean,

Speaker Ais it in the performance and the feeling and the cinematography of that kind of movie?

Speaker BNo, it's a good story. Good story.

Maxthere's nothing taxing about the movie it's not like oh I gotta like get myself ready to absorb some cinema like it's just a good story I really dig that movie I think it's of the sort of like latter day Spielberg period it's the least bad movie he's made and he makes these sort of he makes this sort of like awful like treacly you know like he makes awful

Speaker Bdo you need Alex and me for this one? yeah no you guys take a break for a few minutes

Maxbut

Speaker BWe've earned it.

MaxMark Rylance, man, it's his best role.

Speaker BThat face, that voice. Oh my God, those eyes. In my opinion, I mean, it's a fucking... He's so fuckable. The part is so...

MaxThe part is so... It's like well-written. He fucking rules. What a great part for him.

Speaker AI think he was nominated for, possibly won an Oscar for that.

MaxYes, that seems right. But I mean, damn.

Speaker AHe's also great in Dunkirk.

Maxso good. Very affecting performance. And Tom Hanks found him unobjectionable in that film. A lot of other Tom Hanks movies, I find him objectionable. Well, this is a relief,

Speaker AMax. I'm really glad you found a way to enjoy America's easily most beloved movie star of the last 30 years.

MaxNow, what other films has Tom Hanks been in? Oh, boy.

AlexYou've Got Mail, which is probably my favorite. Oh! Oh! Oh!

Speaker BMerlin, you want to tell us about the challenge? You want to tell us about something?

Speaker AOh, wait, I got some plugs.

MerlinCan I do some plugs? In a second. What I want to do, what I want is to say that I don't know if this will come up in the after show, but I feel like it's very important. I've added something to news and topics in the doc, Max, if you want to look at this.

MaxOh, it's in the doc. The doc.

AlexOkay. I've, hold on. I've closed the doc. I've closed the doc. Uh-oh.

Speaker BDo your bit. Do your bit. Okay. I'm going on clicking.

Speaker ANo, no. I can't finish until you say what. Fuck. Okay. No, I'm clicking. I've added something to news and topics called parachute centaurs and the physics of standing Trump.

MerlinAnd what I would like to do is do a dive on a bit that's a little tired, but I think needs some Max Temkin style research and perhaps some Alex and Merlin style. We want to address some updates on the way the Trump family stands. and in particular we want to address the issue of Mr. Trump looking like the front half of a centaur. I spent easily six minutes. Did you see

Maxhe visited the mask factory?

MerlinYes.

MaxI just tweeted a video of this but he visited the mask factory not wearing a mask they played on the PA system the song. They had goggles, cool goggles. They played on the PA system the song Live and Let Die. And Trump does a very he does a very sort of farcical like he enters from the left frame of the screen and he just sort of or the left edge of the frame and he just sort of staggers into the frame he's just sort of keeling

Speaker Bover he always looks like like I said he always looks like he's about to fall into a koi pond he's got a real sort of drunken Charlie Chaplin sort of stagger

Speaker Adoot toot music yeah so anyway get ready Max Xander, man, I'm going to throw to you to do your bit about the after show. So I would like to talk about this. We have all had a good laugh about how he looks like the front half of a centaur. I think we probably will most definitely be discussing the work of David Roth, the best writer working today, and his observation that Trump, who was it? Trump looks like, when he

stands, he looks like he's, I think it's something like, he looks like he's hanging from parachute strings in a tree. We're going to be talking about that and you know we're going to be getting on Don Jr. and Eric and talking about how they stand and where would people be able to listen to the After Show, Max?

Speaker BWell, as you know,

Maxmaybe they don't know, I don't know, but we have a, on this program due by Friday, we record this whole podcast for you and you're probably wondering how do they afford to do that because there's no ads, we don't sell you a mattress, we don't sell you underpants, we don't sell you I don't know what else is being advertised

Speaker Awe don't sell you pineapple nom nom no pills that will grow your hair back no strawberry hand jobs

Merlinno

Speaker Blecithin enemas

MaxI do know that we've been hoping to get the molecule air purifier as a sponsor so please reach out but anyway you won't hear any ads on the Dubai Friday program and that's because we are listener supported and people can help out Dubai Friday, keep us ad free, and we will give you every week our special bonus after show. And all you have to do is give us $5 a month and you do that at giveusyourfuckingmoney.com and you become a supporter of Dubai Friday. And we gave you,

hey, we gave you for free the after show last week. That's just a little taste. The first one's free. Did we do that? Did we do that?

AlexWe, it is unlocked, I believe, on Patreon. We meant to do that. Patreon

MaxAlex

AlexWhat?

MaxWell it's probably not too late to do it

AlexNo we said we would do it as a treat And then we never did it as a treat But if you want to I'm opening Patreon right now To see if this is possible You can go to Patreon and listen to The last After show which I Really really liked and I don't like anything Ever I don't even like Mr. Battery anymore. Well, that's a freebie.

MaxThat's a freebie, but you can go to giveusyourfuckingmoney.com and become a supporter of Dubai Friday. I have another...

Speaker BCan I read one paragraph before you promote? Please.

MerlinThis is my favorite writer writing today, David Roth. Don't make a Van Halen joke, or I will ban you. It's a piece for the New Republic called The Cancer in the Camera Lens. And as I said on Twitter the other day, I feel like he feels like, as far as one can tell, while something is happening, he feels like the man for our time. I'm not going to say hero, but he is the man for our time, and I think his unbelievable ability to see what we're all seeing, articulate what we're all feeling, and still somehow

be above the orange Cheeto shit is, he's a very, very gifted writer. This is a piece in the New Republic called The Cancer in the Camera Lens deck. Far from shining a curative light on the Trump administration, the media has become engulfed by his empire of stupidity. I'm going to read you one paragraph. In close-up on television, at a glance, with the volume down, Donald Trump can, from time to time, look like a president. That effect becomes less convincing the more you pay attention, though. Even under professional lighting, Trump reliably looks like a photographic negative of himself. On his worse and wetter days,

he has the tone and texture of those lacquered roast ducks that hang from hooks in Chinatown restaurant windows. The passing, presidentiality of the man dissipates utterly in longer shots, where Trump can be seen standing tipped oddly forward, like a jolly ski jumper in midair, or mincing forward to bum-rushing experts, inconvenient answer with an incoherent one of his own, or just making faces, intend to signal that he is listening very strongly to what someone else is saying. These slapdash performances of executive seriousness tend to have the effect,

as the comedian Stuart Lee once said of James Corden, of making Trump look like a dog listening to classical music. Seen from this long-shot vantage, the man at the podium is unmistakably Donald Trump, uncanny, unknowing, upset about various things that he can't quite understand or express.

AlexGod, I like that guy. He's good. Isn't he good? He's pretty good.

MerlinOur wet president.

AlexJust so wet. Dig it, dig it.

Speaker AMax, what is going on in your neck of the woods right now? Tell me what even is happening.

MaxI have a new project. It's up on the- Oh, shit. Of course you do. God damn it. Yeah, it's up on the website, kickstarter.com. I'm working with some of my magician friends, and over the last year we kind of came up with a neat idea for a jigsaw puzzle that does a magic trick when you finish it. And it has – I also have always wanted to make jigsaw puzzles with good art, basically. I think a lot of puzzles have sort of geriatric art.

They have like, you know, cats and Thomas Kinkade paintings and things like that. So we reached out to some really cool independent illustrators. Are you talking about the painter of light? The painter of light. We reached out to some really cool independent illustrators and we made some really fucking cool puzzle art. And it has a pretty neat sort of illusion that it does when you finish it. And it is up on Kickstarter right now. You can go to, I actually don't know our website. I think it's magic puzzle company.

AlexI can't just go to kickstarter.com slash max.

MaxGo to, go to, no, no, go to, go to magic puzzle company.com. The project will be up for the next 20 days or so. And I would love to have your support. Like it's always, uh, yeah, I don't know. I want to, I really want this thing to be successful. I'd love to be able to print these. And I, um, also I want, uh, you know, it's a, it's a really, really tough time out there for performers and artists. It's like there's not a lot of sort of work as a magician right now. So it would mean a lot to me to be able to give back a little bit to the magic community and support my friends who have been really good teachers to me.

And you can help me do that. If you pick up one of these dope ass puzzles, they are $20 and you can go to magicpuzzlecompany.com. And also another funny thing that the Dubai Friday audience may enjoy is I am personally sort of on customer service duty. So if you do go on the Kickstarter campaign and look at the comments section, I'm sort of...

Speaker BWhy we really are from different generations, you and I. I'm sort of personally responding to all of the comments. I'm becoming more hostile.

Speaker AYou know what? I'm going to go sit in the toilet and make sure no one puts any more poop in here. For my work.

MaxThat'll be in show notes. We don't have a person. It's me. It's just me. so you don't have a person there's no customer service person it's just no person so jordan

Alexgets to make the nice sweet uh videos and she's just doing cs i don't know i just find that

Maxdelightful this guy this guy goes this guy so we have a quote so on the project page we have quotes from people who playtested the puzzle and one of our friends the the the the hollywood actress, Danny Daniels, said, this puzzle fucking rocks. And we put that on there because it's a, what a great quote. And she was a play tester for a puzzle and dug it. So this guy posts this morning, my young daughter was attracted to, this is a comment on our project, a public comment on our project. My young daughter was attracted to the colorful artwork as we read through the campaign

and she said to me, Daddy, what does this puzzle bleeping rocks mean? As she read one of the quotes you've included, can you please consider moderating for other kids that might also read this cheers did you uh have you considered that oh so i wanted to for the first thing i wanted to reply was fuck off and then i thought better of it and i and i thought about it and i was like why is this so upsetting and i thought you know what's so upsetting is that patently this did not happen like it just it's it's first of all i doubt that he even has a

daughter but the scenario is that the daughter is old enough to read out loud and he's very sensitive to her hearing a cuss word. And the daughter's sitting on his lap and he pulls up random unscreened websites and goes, here, sweetie, read this out loud.

Speaker AAs you do. Read that.

MaxOh my goodness, what is that word on the internet? Oh my God.

AlexDaddy, daddy. Daddy.

MaxThank you, daddy. Then I wanted to reply, and you can't drop someone as a backer on Kickstarter. Like once they give you a dollar, they're just like-

Speaker AYou can't ban them? No. Oh no. See, oh my God, you just found the worst business model in the world. Would you like access to my attention? Give me $1 forever.

MaxOnce they give you $1, they're just a fucking barnacle on the ship that you're trying to pilot. Just creating drag every time you're trying to move this thing forward.

Speaker AThere's a sign in Ramsett Park that says, do not drink the sprinkler water. So I made Suntee with it, and now I have an infection, Max.

Speaker BIt can fly. No time.

MaxSo I wanted to reply to this guy. I drafted a reply to this guy and I said, because I can't get rid of him as a backer, so I wanted to reply, I strongly advise you and your fictional daughter to not back this project. Oh my God. And my other partners pleaded with me not to post that. No, no, that's the one that's going to get the attention.

Speaker BWe've ignored him. We've ignored him. But, you know, I feel like there's probably a lot of concern trolls

Merlinthat have fake kids. I really super do. doesn't that you know there's a lot of concern trolling around my my uh my my precious angel

Maxwhat is this your fetish you back kickstarter projects and yell at them about cuss words is that your hobby what is that oh no my dell

Speaker Awe have a challenge this week and this challenge comes from max maybe yeah max it was yours i'm

Speaker Bhappy to do it i'll talk about it doesn't matter you know what there's no credit no credit no blame

Alexwell I want it to be my challenge next week so it was max it was max yep go on sorry I have a

MaxI have a valuable magical artifact that I wanted an auction that just was delivered and I'm going to go retrieve it because I don't want someone to steal it

Speaker Band I'll be right back but you guys start without me

Speaker Awe can start without you

Alexwe can

Merlinthis image what is this image from sway back lumbar are these exercises or

Alexstretches so i as a child matchy had a sway back um because you know all nerds had me to have

Merlinsomething wrong is that one of those uh baseball caps with a tag on it uh snap bill what do they

Alexcall that i don't know i don't i don't know i well i i didn't know that you could put a lean

Speaker Bon something you didn't own so i don't know so many things i don't know oh i'm back oh no my

Alexartifacts uh sway back as a kind of a condition physically yeah well and i i was like matchy

Speaker Ais is this a sway back oh wait a minute these aren't exercise hang on these are not exercises these are illustrations of conditions these are conditions oh i sit like lumbar lordosis all the

Alextime uh well no this is this is like something that without a ton uh not a ton i don't i don't know i'm sure it depends on each person like you need to train yourself to stand in a way that doesn't look like a trump basically but uh so i think there's a lumbar lord dosis situation happening but but we'll talk about in the after show because there's some dominant leaning that

Speaker Ahappens and it can never be royals um i also i think mainly this guy wouldn't show off his hog because he's got quite a package up front. What am I looking at? What am I looking at? Oh, in the channel. This guy, so we'll put this in show notes. It might be the show art. This guy, I think he's got a little bit of a gentleman semi.

AlexOh, oh, God, gross. Oh, gross. Gross, you ruined it. Oh, ew.

Speaker ADid you see the boner?

AlexOh, yeah. There's a few.

Speaker AIt's not a boner. It's more like a cartlager.

AlexYeah. It seems like someone had to really concentrate before these photos were taken.

Speaker AI showed him a garter belt or something. Let's do the challenge. The challenge this week was a somewhat, you know what? I feel like we make this more controversial than it is. The idea was to go somewhere, to get out of the house, go somewhere, be outside. Sorry for his hospital test. Yes, yes, yes, we know. The idea is you go outside, you go somewhere. And that was the challenge this week. How do we all do?

AlexI did it Max go ahead

Speaker AI barely did it barely

MaxVeronica and I went for Veronica and I we found a forest preserve Alex I'm happy to tell you in our super secret channel I don't actually want to like nope I don't think that it's appropriate for me to like say it on the podcast in case because I don't want to like be accountable for like you don't want to like

Alexcreate an Instagram spot where people go just to be like look at I'm in this forest you know I just don't

Maxwant to be accountable for people's actions honestly on this on this topic but veronica and i took a drive we it's about a 45 minute drive we went way out to the suburbs and we went early on sunday morning and um it's kind of a janky like all uh so in this park system the parking lots and all the infrastructure is closed but the trails are are open like on the website it says you're allowed to walk on them and so you sort of have to park on the street you like um And there's like a, you sort of pull over on the shoulder on the side of this like very sort of country road type situation.

We walked in and went for a walk for like an hour. And the trails were all sort of flooded. So we had to like, I'll send you a little video. It was kind of cool actually. But so we had to sort of stop and turn around. But it was delightful. You know what I do? I get my Zojirushi mug and make myself a little coffee. A little hot coffee. Pour it in the Zojirushi. Take it with me when I go hiking. You get a little cold. You stop for a break. Have some hot coffee. Wow. How about that? That's a nice little, that's a nice little, you get old trail coffee.

Speaker AI'm going to make a bit. What is the word you're using to modify coffee cup?

MaxOh, the Zojirushi. It sounds like a rice cooker. So the Zojirushi company that makes the best rice cooker, they also make the best thermos. I've been a proponent of these thermoses for a long time, but well, damn, we should do that as a challenge because they're a, do you have a, do you use a thermos ever?

AlexI do. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I use it as a water bottle, actually, because it just stays cold forever.

Speaker AOkay. Wow. Cool. All right. I'll put it on the list. And so you bring your coffee and you go out into, you commune with the Ewoks.

MaxYeah.

Speaker AHow'd it go?

MaxOh, it was very, it was pleasant and peaceful. Mm-hmm. Okay.

AlexHow often do you go outside, like, you know, safely outside? because you have an essential business, the cafe. And sometimes we go by ourselves to the office to check on stuff, make sure nothing is broken into. But how often do you literally leave your house?

MaxI go to the, I try to, I leave the house one time per day. That's my little routine that I have for myself.

MerlinDo you try to gang your tasks?

MaxYou know, I don't have that many tasks. I've kept things pretty fairly simple. So I do, we go to the pharmacy, the drive-thru pharmacy. I walk to, we have a little market in our neighborhood that is, has all the essential groceries and every, all the stuff we need. That's cool. And it's usually not very crowded and I try to go at off hours and, you know, I'm often the only person in there. And then I go to the, I try to go to the game cafe at least, you know, several times a week and check in with everyone. And I've gone to like wash dishes and stuff like that a few times.

And if I feel it for me, if I don't leave the house one time per day, I feel like I'm kind of going nuts. So that's about for me. Look, I kind of need that. I kind of need that feeling of movement and momentum and breaking it up a little bit. And, you know, I have a kind of an earnest thing to say about this, too, which hopefully it's not too lame to say on the podcast. but I've been thinking about this this week a little bit, which is there's so many like little,

this is so lame. It's so. No, go ahead. It's very trite to say, but there's a lot of.

AlexAs lame as Tom Hanks.

MaxThere's a lot of little mundane things in my life that I just take for granted, you know, that I've never really stopped to think about. So like going out in the woods for a walk, sitting at a diner and just having eggs and talking to someone. And I was thinking, I wonder how quick it'll be before I like take that for granted again. Like I hope I never take for granted. I hope every time I sit down at a diner for the rest of my life and I get an, I get eggs and I'm talking with a friend and I'm having a conversation eating

eggs. I hope I have that, that one thought of this is fucking great. This, this is great. I could not be doing this.

MerlinI totally, I agree with you on both parts. I agree with you on the, it's a shame on me for how much I didn't appreciate before. I mean, I think, I think of myself as a pretty grateful person in general, But it is, as you're saying, all these little things that you didn't appreciate, these like Amelie kind of things. But also it is, this is also very much tied, not to make it sad, but also very much tied to the whole like, whoa, pump the brakes, everybody. Like, let's, you know, let's make sure we're in good shape for this. Don't get me started on Iowa and Texas because I got a lot to say. But if we come back from this too fast, it's going to be very bad.

Speaker BAnd I agree. I think there's this, anybody.

MaxJen and I were texting this morning and we were like, I was like, I would pay $2,000 to sit on the patio of Bang Bang Pie and have like a biscuit. And Jen was like, I would pay $2,000 to wait in line at Bang Bang Pie.

MerlinYeah, but like I think there may possibly be some good markers and codes that we can identify here, which is keep your eyes and ears open for anyone who keeps talking about how they can't wait to go back to normal. and those are the people who are going to be killing other people soon, whether they mean to or not, because they have not accepted there is not a normal to go back to. I mean, in some ways, for sure, there never really was a normal, but for shizzle right now, there's never going to be a normal. And if you're not ready for what the new fucked up is instead of the old normal,

boy, you're going to be a carrier real fast. And, you know, enjoy every sandwich. I didn't think that. I thought that was nice, Max.

AlexYeah, I agree. That's something I've been trying to think about a lot, especially the things that I will be able to do when this is, you know, by over, I mean when restrictions are lifted.

Speaker AWhen you're allowed to leave the house in some form or fashion.

Alexyeah um but i i have been outside four times since uh march 15th um what he and i've totally peanut buttered on this challenge well think think about it this this okay so march 15th like a deck uh no no um the well okay so i've i tried to count the times i've taken out the trash

but maddie and i split that up so probably five times for that um but yeah i went to the grocery store to the pharmacy um to another trip to the pharmacy and then i did a drive-thru for uh a McDonald's Diet Coke slushie, which made me just delighted.

And then one... Oh, I miscounted. And then once for a walk. The issue...

MaxDoes McDonald's have slushies? Oh, they do indeed.

AlexThat's like my...

MaxIs that new?

Speaker BHave they always had slushies?

AlexWell, in...

Speaker BIs this a flurry? I don't know the words for these things.

AlexNo, no, no. This is actually... I'm sure it's like a McShuffle or something. but it's i'm just like can i have the frozen diet coke and they're like sometimes they're like yeah otherwise oh it's like a slurpee like a slurpee okay yeah yeah i don't know they're called many things it's like a regional thing it's very weird anyway that's like my first summer thing a bag bag sack poke yeah so uh but but think about it like march 15th is when um i we drove home from

Michigan because Maddie had a surgery and I was like, there's no way we're fucking going outside because, you know, you're recovering and your immune system is low. And I don't know. So it was just a few weeks of recovery. April, I'm like, I don't want to push it. All of my two trips that time were for a curbside pickup and then drive through. This is so fucking boring. And then I I went on a walk one time with a mask and that was last week.

And Maddie goes for a walk like once a day for like two or three miles because otherwise he'll go insane. But I am terrified of being a, you know, like being immune and being a silent carrier. And I was supposed to go this weekend to Indianapolis to see my niece who was born last month. and I talked to my brother and I'm like, I'm sorry. I just can't. I can't do it until I've been tested.

MerlinYou're worried you're going to make the kids sick?

AlexNo, I'm worried that I'm going to make, I'm not really worried about making them sick, except they're caring for a small child. So I'm not worried about getting them sick in terms of dying. I'm worried about getting them sick and then them needing to like get a nanny or a babysitter or whatever. And like that.

MerlinAnd also, though, I mean, there's not much there's not much fault tolerance in our lives right now.

AlexYes.

MerlinYou really don't want another thing on top of the thing.

AlexYeah. And so and I'm also like my mom should be the one who has the most time with her. And I know that if I got there, I would break down and need to go inside and hug this child very closely for a long, long time. And my dad didn't get to go because he works at a meatpacking plant and he's kind of isolated in our house in the suburbs because he is waiting. He can't get a test yet.

And I was just like, man, it's not it's not worth it.

MaxI heard that everyone can get tested who wants it.

MerlinYeah, I heard that. Nobody talks about tests anymore. It'd be like they're tremendous ventilators. Everybody's always been able to.

AlexWell, all of the workers got tests. This is why Dr. Fauci's returning to his home planet. Oh, God. Well, all of their...

Speaker AThere's a little scritch behind the ear. Fauci, Fauci, Fauci, Fauci. What's his evolution? Fauci, Fauci.

AlexOh, boy.

Speaker AOh, Alex, this sucks. I'm sorry.

AlexNo, no, there's no, I mean, it's a choice that I'm making. Also, I've had no sinus infections this season, which is unheard. Alex, me neither. What is up with that? Because we're not around people who will give up, because people have sinus infections all the time. But if they don't have fucked up sinuses like we do, it doesn't hit them as hard. So, you know, it's the same thing as a not the same thing as a virus. But yeah, it's I'm definitely going to be wearing a mask a lot.

Like even if I'm that weirdo, I am very much pro mask now. Yeah, man, I don't know. Oh, no. Sorry. Sorry. I'm wrong. Six times because I've been to the office twice.

MerlinAlex if you were off by half an order of magnitude that's still not enough times

AlexI don't know though is it I really don't know because I have the privilege of being able to order food and I don't want to be the like checker privilege guy Alex have you

Merlinever had any issues at all with mental or emotional health in your life

Alexbefore you answer

Merlinyour mental and emotional health if you think you need it this is your choice not mine But I think your mental and emotional health, not you, our, our, not mine, not mine, yours. No, sorry, I was trying to make a Bernie Sanders joke, I think.

AlexI'm writing to ask you again. So many emails. That's funny.

MerlinMy kid just turned me on to that meme. But it might take care of yourself and it might benefit you to get in the sun a little bit.

AlexWell, I'm also not sleeping for like 48 hours at a time. So Thursday and Friday last week, I'm like, Kev, I need to I'm taking these days off because if I'm if I'm going to go with 72 hours without sleeping, that's real bad and I'll die. So, I mean, I don't know. It's it's there's there's a good tweet going out that it's like either you have the perfect, most productive day or you're at zero. At least that's what it's been for me.

um and i don't know the cgp gray video i think came out a really good time for a lot of people what's that what's the video um oh uh you're right i should say that space is spaceship you which is all about how you need to take care of your mental and uh physical health and right now physical health is more important because if you're if you're not getting exercise your brain will not work so that's kind of what i've been focused on is like uh doing yoga every day i've

really considered getting a cheap stationary bike um no doing doing yoga and uh what's it called how do you just do you just do it what do you just do yoga oh no i'm i'm a big uh i use down talk it's a beautiful it's a beautiful app is that a machine or what is it down i know i am aware

Merlini'm somewhat aware it's an app okay okay cool but nobody gets to see you carrying your mat around

Alexin a bag so what's the point exactly i have a yoga mat nobody nobody gets to see the uh free weights that that we have my pants are very tight i do yoga yeah we know i do no no like it's it's one of those things of like, I need to, you should get your heart rate up to like 120 or whatever the healthy thing is for your body. Otherwise you're going to go wild.

Speaker AI get that every afternoon when I look at my COVID bookmarks. Does that count?

AlexOh, that, yeah. I also, man, man. Yeah.

Speaker BDid you guys, did the man clan go outside? Yes, we did.

Speaker ABut Alex, you know, hey, it sounds like you're doing what you need to do. But yeah, my lady does those. And,

MerlinWe got our exercise bike, which helps a lot. But to me, there's really no substitution for this. Someday this will sound like such an old man thing. You kids and your goggles. Time was we would go out and walk into a tree. But I do feel like there is something special about especially sunshine, especially about fresh air.

And like there's nothing to stop you from going somewhere where no one else is taking off your mask and all of your clothes. And no, let me start over. But no, I don't know. Just to close that thread. But yeah, I hope that goes okay. You're not driving each other crazy with all that being near each other?

AlexWhat do you mean? Who would? Oh, Maddie and I. No, no, no. My spouse? No. Alex, you know Maddie? Yeah, yeah. I'm familiar. No, we just-

MerlinWe should hook you guys up. I think you guys would be a fun meet-cute.

AlexI still don't know what that means at all.

Speaker AIt means Tom Hanks. Tom Hanks is what it means. That motherfucker. He's in the podcast now.

Speaker Bhe's part of our herald he's like warmly smiling I hate it he's part of our ongoing human herald

Speaker Aand now he won't leave

Speaker Bfuck off

Speaker Ayes we do no I just barely did this just it didn't work out but like I said we did do a hike recently I think that was part of the impetus for talking about this was talking about going for a hike and we try to do that but boy again time dilation it's a thing. It's a real thing. I've had this long-held belief not a belief, a long-held observation. This is not to say that this is a good or bad or whatever thing, but I've always felt

Merlinlike ever since the 73 Folders days, I've always felt like geeks tend to get into stuff if it involves a little bit of gear. You guys probably cannot understand what I'm talking about here, but sometimes you're more likely to do a project if you get to buy...

MaxI can't hear you over my magical artifact.

MerlinSo like, for example, it's a classic example. I mean, buying a notebook will not make you creative, but if you're feeling creative, it can be nice. You get a chance to go buy a notebook.

Speaker BThat's nice. New pens. I would go so far as to say it's worth being creative because you get to get the notebook. Yep, yep. Now it's part of your work.

Speaker AYep, yep.

MerlinAnd I'll tell you where that really was huge for me was Fitbit and the succession of really shittily constructed Fitbits that I continue to buy and replace and rebuy and buy new versions of. And eventually I got an Apple Watch and eventually the Apple Watch handled sleep and fitness in a way that does way more than I could ever want. Do you know what I mean though? So like, ha ha, I'm doing a bit. Like sometimes if you add a little bit of tech or a purchase or something to it, it's more fun. So something I've been doing is using the app iNaturalist.

So when we go on a hike or when I'm just moseying around, and I'm sure I must be a very frustrating participant in this because my quote-unquote observations, as they call them, are extremely mundane. But, you know, so Alex, you'll remember from the 73 Folders days, I would say something like, well, if you want to take more walks, give yourself a treat. Like, say, I'm going to walk to Starbucks and back, and I get my treat, and I'll get four miles out of this or whatever. Some kind of a, I'm misusing this, but I'm a Guffin in some ways. And in this case, I'll say to myself, yeah, I'm going to take a walk, But really what I'm going to do is go play with the app.

And I'm going to take some photos. And I'm going to see if I can figure out what this plant is. I'm going to see if I can figure out what this butterfly or this rat is. And so that's what I do. And I did a little of that for the challenge.

Speaker BOh.

MerlinSee, it's amazing how much stuff you just don't want to talk about because everyone sucks.

MaxCan you say, what does it do, though, the app?

MerlinWhat does it do? So it's an app. It's a service. It's a community. It's a dessert topping and a floor wax. Wow, what doesn't it do?

Speaker BThat's exactly what I said.

Speaker AAnd they said, why are you here? Stop taking pictures of things on your desk and acting like it's nature.

Speaker BSir, this is a Wendy's.

MerlinSo what you do is you get this app, and you go out, and you say, oh, look at that cool plant or look at that rat. That's cool. And the way I use it, this is not in any way to say this is all this is for. You take a photograph of usually a plant in my case. And I go, huh, I wonder what that plant is. And then you click a button and to say like, so you upload it. And you say like, okay, help me identify what this thing is. And their little robot usually does a pretty good job.

If it's like your dandelion level stuff, it has no problem going, that's totally a dandelion. Or that's something, this is something called flea banes and horse weeds, which sounds like a Marx Brothers movie. But it'll identify it for you. And then if you choose to have it open to other people, they can help identify. You can join projects. But I like it because I've had a whole bunch.

AlexOh, it's like geocaching for nature. I love this.

MerlinI guess, maybe. I've had a handful. A little bit. Well, I've had a handful of apps in the past that are like, hey, what's that thing? So obviously there's stuff like SoundHound for music. There used to be a really interesting app. You know what? It was not an interesting app. There was this weird app I liked that would help you figure out what bird was making that song. And it's almost like Identifont for bird sounds, where you say, oh, serif or sans serif? Does this bird have serifs? And you go through it and you say like, oh, is it like this? because there was this one bird in my neighborhood that,

first of all, Alex, you'd appreciate this. When I lived in Tallahassee, there was a bird in the springtime outside my window that would sing the beginning, not the beginning of, but the refrain from Flip Your Wig. It would go from Husker Do. It would go.

AlexYep, yep, yep, yep, yep.

MerlinAnd it was exactly perfectly in pitch. Then we had a bird in our neighborhood that would sing a Nat King Cole song. And I was able to look that up. There are other kinds of things, you know, again, like those font identifying things. I love stuff like this. And I do find that adding that extra level of geekery to it and turning it into a little personal treasure hunt makes something I'm kind of more into doing. What was my point? Answering Max's question. And so it's meant to be sort of a community thing. It does lots of different things.

You can have projects. It's something my kid, I've had this app for years, only recently started reusing it again. And it's something my kid's class, I just almost said my kid's class leader, my kid's

Speaker Ahuman class leader, er, teacher, encouraged them.

AlexI was like, wait, wait, a child, okay.

Speaker AI'm sorry, I was making a humor joke.

AlexTalking to me way too much.

MaxIs this one of your hippie San Francisco nonsense things?

Speaker BYeah, absolutely.

MaxOr is your brain just? No, my brain's broken. It's real fucked up. Okay.

Speaker BYeah, I watch a lot of TV at night.

MaxOkay, cool.

Speaker BI keep watching the same TV show every night. You're not sitting too close to that TV, are you? Am I? I don't know.

Speaker AYes, and.

MaxIt's going to cross your eyes. That'd be hot.

Speaker ALook at those Biden eyes, those little tiny Biden eyes.

MaxGod, did you see the video of him, the Keegan-Michael Key video that he did?

Speaker ANo.

MaxHe seemed so... It was edited by the campaign to be like... Oh, no. You know, pro... Like a funny pro-Biden video. he just seemed so fucking out of it oh god am i funny yet tell you what mac you get up there

Speaker Acome up there down wilmington you're gonna meet a lady who lives in a locker and she's

Speaker Bhe's the one who's the meatpacker buddy biden being senile is like is very similar in a way

Maxto the the the hillary is a liar meme where i don't know if it's true or not right i've never talked to the guy i don't know if biden is is losing his marbles or not but it's one of those things of once that you get that little brain worm and you're like is he you just start to see it There's something about the guy.

MerlinThere's so many things like the centaur thing. It's one of those things where you, or like Alex with this poor man's penis that she sees in his shorts. There's so many things like that. Oh yeah, there's one I showed my kid the other day that was really one of the classics. Because you hate to see it. You hate to ruin somebody. It's like John Syracuse coming where you live and pointing out something that's wrong with your house you never noticed before. And that's where you live now.

Speaker ANow it's John's house. And so it's pretty cool. and what was the other one like that?

MerlinI love apps like this, I have to say. You remember my old Evernote story, Alex, about finding the office? The Twice Told Tale. Stuff like that where you can actually use photographs, geolocation, and various kinds of technologies to make something cool happen. And then you go in and you make sure you delete your location history on Google over and over and over. That's what I did. And it feels good. It feels nice to be outside. Our weather's really pleasant right now.

I love that we can finally open our fucking windows because I really feel like I'm living in a sock. Like, it doesn't exactly smell bad, but it doesn't smell fresh.

MaxHave you thought of getting a humidity, a way to measure the humidity?

MerlinWell, what I've thought about is somewhat, here's the problem, Max. Ever since World War II is when we came up with HEPA, what is the next level of filter going to be? What if I told you that there was a way that you could have something that looks like an Amazon Echo in your house? That's no Echo. You know what that is? It's $800.

Show notes

Transcript

185. Mr. Battery

Show notes

Transcript

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