132. Borpus

AlexThis is Do By Friday, a weekly challenge podcast with Merlin Mann, Alex Cox, and Max Temkin. This week's challenge, rolly and egg.

Speaker BHello? Hello.

MerlinHi. Hi.

Speaker AStart from the beginning. First read the books.

MaxAlex isn't here Oh hey how's it going Well that's just good advice Just start with the books

MerlinOh my god the books they change so much from the books

MaxI got an egg and cheese this morning And I put a hash brown on there And a little bit of ketchup

MerlinOh wow What do you think about that Did you So you got it at McDonald's Quick question You got it at McDonald's and brought it to work

MaxNo I had it in the car like a civilized human being

MerlinOh, so it was still like a fresh hot hash brown. Yeah. Oh, wow. I think it's great. And did you still find it mushy?

MaxIt's too, I guess I feel like the egg of cheese is a great sandwich. And then it gets like too bready if you put, it's just like, I enjoy them separately more than I enjoy. Like, I don't think that they're more than the sum of their parts.

MerlinYou know what? I fucked this up because, so here's the angle. We got the XY problem here. so like you're putting it on uh it's a biscuit right no i put it on a on an egg on an egg of cheese an egg muffin a full-on egg muffin yeah i didn't i didn't egg i didn't egg a muffin

Maxwith sausage and the hash brown and i put a little ketchup on there too i just find it i thought it was i thought it made the the egg of cheese a little bit worse and the hash brown much worse oh no it was it a mouth was it partly mouthfeel it's just too bready it's a big tall it's like a big tall you know you have to like unhinge your jaw like a cobra and you just sort of ease it in there and it's just like filled with carbs like a goose yeah it's a yeah convenience dining gavage

Merlini don't know yeah so i get the classic egg muffin with the uh they say canadian bacon but it's really basically him. Could you stop

Speaker Athe beeping? Stop the beeping!

MaxMerlin, you should really turn that off. What is that, your tea kettle? Oh my god! Stop the- oh my god! Now that's what we call in the biz, that's what we call a dead room.

MerlinOh, it's now, yeah, it's, uh, what's that word I always forget? Eodetic? It's like, is the music there from the score, or did you hear it on a radio? Like, that was whatever that word is. Lonely Sandwich would know.

MaxI think you're thinking of that's the place that Wonder Woman is from.

MerlinOh, maybe I was thinking of Amesis. Maybe it's a medic. It's a vomit sound. Now, I get the classic egg and muffin, what I consider, forgive me, that was normative. I consider the classic, which is from my youth, which is you got an English muffin with some kind of stuff on it probably. And you get the egg circle. You get the Canadian bacon circle. And you get a slice of American cheese. And that is the thing upon which I put a hash brown and constitutes literally my favorite breakfast. I'll try it with the Canadian bacon.

I don't love that. No, no, no. Don't feel like you have to do that. It's like Jen Baines says, you got to stand up for yourself.

MaxI want to try it. I want to have the full experience. But I don't love that Canadian bacon either. I think the Canadian bacon is a little rubbery.

MerlinIt's mealy.

MaxI prefer the sausage.

MerlinYeah, yeah, yeah. No, I feel you. My daughter is a sausage girl. Cut that out. That's weird. Oh, why would you say that's weird, Merlin? That's pretty normative of you. Is that normative? Yeah. She might be sausage fluid.

MaxUh-huh. Anyone's welcome in our bathroom. Yeah, I wouldn't say there's anything different about that at all. Oh, I meat-shamed her.

Speaker AMm-hmm.

MerlinYou know what it is? It's got to be a youth taste. Okay, there's this phenomenon, and I want to know if this happens to you too, But I really noticed this when I lived in Tallahassee, which is a college town. But I had a bunch of friends who had grown up there and worked there and whatnot. But there was this phenomenon where when people would come to town, say they'd graduated and they came back, they always wanted to go to this one pizza place that might be the shittiest pizza I've ever had in my life.

MaxOh, well, you've got – where I went to college, that was Towson Hot Bagel, THB. Okay. And that was – was that a – was a pizza there? No, it was just an awful bagel place.

MerlinOkay, but yeah, yeah, yeah. But the phenomenon, it just seems to be, I see it most often with pizza, but there's some kind. Could you stop the beeping?

MaxJesus Christ. Now, what do you got out there? Is that a sausage girl or a bacon boy?

MerlinI feel like when people come back and there's a taste of their youth. It's like people in fucking baseball where it's all about family. Fine. That's cool. I get that. I get that. I get that. no shade no lemonade but like people come back to town and it was like fucking matzo bread with ketchup on it oh here comes the bacon boy oh boy oh sorry i'm late hey there he is uh but do you have you ever seen this have you ever seen people come back and get something yeah

Maxyeah well well when i where i grew up there was a place called walker brothers pancake house and i would say that was almost like the the pinnacle of food i mean i loved going there as a kid like when i would go home for break i was very nostalgic for it and you go to the walker Brothers Pancake. Alex, you ever go to a Walker Brothers Pancake house? No, no, no. Maybe that was, really? It's like a big suburbs chain.

AlexI don't know. I went to IHOP or Hoolahan's TGI Fridays.

MaxIt's way nicer than an IHOP. It's way nicer than an IHOP. You've never had one of those huge upsetting apple pancakes?

MerlinIt says here it's the original pancake. It says it's the original pancake house. That's their slogan. Now open in Schaumburg.

MaxSo I went to the Walker Brothers Pancake House last weekend, and I was like, man, this is great. I'm going to go have the best food from my childhood. And I was like, this is pretty shitty.

AlexBest food from your –

MerlinWell, you missed the opening concept, Alex. The opening concept is that we imprint on a taste from our youth that when we come back to it later, you really crave it. And then maybe you have it. Maybe it's not great. But in the case of Tallahassee and pizza – sorry, you missed the setup, Alex. What do you mean?

MaxAlex is eating a plain McDonald's biscuit.

AlexWell, speaking of childhood food, Max was like, do you want an eggy, cheesy, whatever? And I was like, no, thank you. It's an egg and cheese, Alex. But then Maddie surprised me and brought me some biscuit, a plain biscuit. No butter. It's a good biscuit.

MaxI think the McDonald's biscuit is an amazing food.

AlexIt's a freaky Friday day. I'm late. I'm eating food on air. It's very good, though.

MerlinOwn your truth. Walker Brothers, Walker Brothers.

AlexDon't get into identity politics. We're not.

MaxWe're just talking about sausage girls and bacon boys. What about bacon boys?

AlexOkay, so pancakes, pancakes. Do you now have a... I'm curious.

MerlinThere's a children's book called Pancakes, Pancakes. It's about the worst mother in the world, where she keeps demanding the kid. No, it's hilarious. Matt Howie gave it to us for our daughter. Sorry, the derail. But it's the worst parent in the world. It doesn't matter that she's a woman, but she is. I don't want to misgender her. But she's like, okay, pancakes, pancakes. She's like, well, go out and grind the flour. Then go out and tap the fucking tree. Pancakes, pancakes. And it's really a cautionary tale.

MaxYou know, can I just say, I've added Matt Howey to our super secret channel.

MerlinOh, yeah. Is that not the best decision I've ever made in my life? It's a good one. It's a good one. I love a super secret channel where I can talk to Matt Howie. You craved it for so long, you almost made some terrible decisions in life in order to get onto other people's private channels.

Not in a needy way, but just because you like to stay informed. You want to know, is anybody saying anything about me, right? Yeah. And this way you bring in, we can't talk about it because it's secret. That's the point. And how its origin story will never be told. But it's got a very clever name. And yeah, no, we've got a lot of nice people in there right now. Yeah. A lot of men. It's a good scene.

MaxWell, we wouldn't know that.

MerlinWe wouldn't know that unless you've asked, would we? Yeah. Oh, right.

Speaker AI can't put my pronouns.

MerlinPancakes. Oh, Pancakes. Pancakes. It's written by Eric Carl. I forgot about this. It's written by the guy who does The Hungry Caterpillar. By cutting and grinding the weed for flour, Jack starts from scratch to help make his breakfast pancake.

MaxWe had a little Dubai Friday meetup in Chicago with some of our Discord moderators.

MerlinIt was, it was, it was, yeah, tell me, tell me, talk about this. I, I, I, it was very pleasant. I saw that it was happening and I didn't know what was happening and it looks like there were nice people in hoodies there.

AlexNeither did I, uh, because it was all organized by our pal Matt Enloe and I would have not done any of this if I had to do any work.

MaxYeah, I do. I do appreciate that everyone sort of, it was organically sort of organized from the, on the Dubai Friday discord and, uh, we didn't have to do any work and, and, um, it was, you know.

MerlinThat's a four-quadrant hit right there.

MaxYeah, it was great. So I kind of popped in. Alex and I got dinner with people. We played some games at the office. We went out to brunch, and we all sat in a too-small diner booth at breakfast, and we got some ice cream. It was a nice overall, very nice weekend.

AlexWe saw Detective Pikachu.

MaxI think this was kind of a limited – I think we kind of kept it under the radar, and it was a lot of the Discord moderators and people that we kind of know online. and I think I was curious to see if anyone would murder us and wear our skin as a suit. And that didn't happen, although I guess if they did a good enough job with Alex, I wouldn't know.

AlexYeah, yeah. They could have murdered me in the theater. Alex, tell me something only you would know.

MerlinOh, man, I love this challenge.

AlexOh.

Speaker AChallenge. Oh, my God, challenge. Oh.

MerlinChallenge, the face-off challenge. How will I know it's you? The Grubers have that. The Grubers, John and Amy Groomer have code words in case one of them gets face-offed. they have they have they have like a like whatever the opposite of a safe word a danger word to know like are you actually john or excuse me grunt grunt three times

Alexoh oh max do you know what happened on my first day of work

Maxare you talking about how you are you talking about that you tried to dye your hair for work and then you stained your, you made your entire torso purple.

AlexAlex, Alex, okay.

MaxYeah, it was pretty bad. When Alex came into work, she looked like, she looked like Grimace. She looked like, she looked like Drax from the, from the Avengers. It was real, real bad.

AlexBut that was not related to work. That was just a mistake in life.

MaxOkay, no, then I don't remember.

AlexWell, in fact, you had not hired me yet. On June 9th, oh, my workversary is coming up. But June 9th, I started work. However, we spoke.

MaxWhat's that, your two-year anniversary?

AlexI've been here for five years now. I don't know if you're kidding or not.

MaxCongrats.

AlexOh, my God. That's a big accomplishment. Oh, my God. Oh, wow. Well, never mind. I'm not going to share. Who knows? Yes, yes, it is my two-year anniversary.

MaxI killed Alex long ago. I can't be bothered to know when people's.

AlexWe've been in this office for four years, and I was at the old office.

MaxIt was like, I don't know. I was like Tom's like, you know, one year anniversary or something. And Jen was like, hey, are you going to get Tom like flowers for his work anniversary? And I was like, are you kidding me?

AlexIt's called keeping your job.

MaxThat's what the money is for. Yeah. Like, it's not like, I don't know. Am I, is that me? I know like a lot of workplaces are like, you got, you got, you got, you got Peggy. You got Peggy by proxy. Jen was Peggying you. Oh, I think a lot of workplaces are like, oh, we're like a big family here. And we all, you know, whatever, hang out together, whatever. I'm like, is it wrong? I enjoy people I want them to come in and do their jobs And then go have a life Is that bad?

AlexIs this a test? I want a treat For a five year anniversary I think that it's very appropriate What do you want?

MaxEgg and cheese?

AlexNo, plain biscuit

MaxShe wants a biscuit biscuit Alright, well what happened on your first day of work? I want to know now

AlexOh, oh, well, again, this was not technically my first day of work. It was when I came in to be interviewed. And apparently you had already said, oh, yeah, just hire whoever you're interviewing. So thanks. No, that's not true.

MaxThat's not true. I specifically told Jen I had met you at some film thing. And I was very impressed. And then you gave me a business card. And I went on your Vimeo. And I watched your films.

AlexAll right.

MaxAnd I watched your films on your Vimeo. And then I told Alex or excuse me, I told Jen, I said, go or Trent. I said, go hire Alex Cox.

AlexWell, Alex Cox. Now this makes sense because Max thought I was talented. So he hands me a camera and is like, hey, we're going to go film a thing. And so he brings out his drone. And then Jen was like, she's HR. Yeah. God damn it.

MaxI think I had just I think that was the first drone I had ever gotten. And I think I got it like that day. And so we came up with like a dumb thing to film Where we could film it with the drone

AlexYeah yeah Jen and Trent smashed a printer Which was definitely totally safe And didn't start you know on fire In the alley And I filmed the part that like You know the close up shots And you did the drone shots And then we brought the drone inside And there is about a 30 second shot Of you just the drone hovering Between two heads And it was very very Yeah, it was very, very unsafe.

MerlinIt's like Andy Warhol's factory meets Saw. What a terrible place to work. I mean, at the time, it was very fun. That's very dangerous. You don't want to bring a drone inside. What are you doing? There's men falling off scooters? No. What's happening in there?

AlexNo, this was before drone wokeness. You thought, I mean, we just thought it was a toy.

MerlinIt was what we did at the time.

AlexWell, I didn't. I was terrified.

MerlinIt was a different time.

AlexIt was a different time. Yeah. Things are different back then.

MerlinWe didn't even know what racism toward drones was. Listen, there's good drones and bad drones. Some of my best friends were drones. Just photo me with a drone pointing. I support drones on Twitter. I'm a woke drone ally. I'm an ally. I'm a drone ally.

AlexI only follow drones on Twitter.

MerlinOh, that's so good. Thank you.

AlexI know. You're welcome. Have you, Merlin, been participating in the sex strike?

MerlinWell, I mean, that depends when you start counting. no as i stipulate i don't want to talk about this a lot as we stipulate i don't have any libido so i feel like i'm helping everyone there's so many ways i'm helping people thank you i used to be so libidinal oh man i'll tell you man i almost fucked an egg cooker this morning just from

muscle memory. But we'll talk about that later. But nowadays, I mean, the thing is, there's a libidinal problem that everybody faces, I think, which is a terrible combination of things that are at least paradoxical. And one of the things is that the things you want to fuck get increasingly complicated and impossible. And that's why we have the internet now, right? So you can find the things like that but on the other hand your sexual fantasies get really bogged down

with your own concerns and so like i'm like oh god how are we gonna clean this up and will i be able to get a cab and like there's all the stuff you start thinking about okay all right that's why that's why you go to you go to you go to extremerstraints.com and get a rolly egg master

Maxand then make sure make sure you shoot maybe sure you shoot i personally like to go on uh Pornhub and I search for porm. Prom? Prom.

MerlinCompliation?

MaxThat was the, I sent this out this morning.

MerlinMax, please share with our audience the infographic map. I've been laughing at this for days. It's, let's see, where's our super secret channel?

MaxThe most common misspelled search terms by state on Pornhub. On Pornhub, who Pornhub has done a couple of these things.

MerlinI know these names better than my own grandmother.

MaxPornhub has done a couple of these things where they release a bunch of data for people to like study. They're pretty good. They're like, OK, Cupid does that as well. But basically, well, in Illinois and most of the Midwest, the most misspelled search term on Pornhub is hentai, but just H-E-N-T-I. So henty.

MerlinIs that the tying up one or the wearing a shiny suit one?

AlexOh, I think that's tentacles.

MerlinNo, no. Is this the octopus one? Octopus. It's cartoons, right? It's cartoon porn. I thought it was a specific... What's the one that the journalist likes with the tentacles? What's that called?

That's not hentai. I'm going to have to... Oh, God, here we go. Private window. Tentacle porn. Private window.

Speaker AH-E-N-T-A-I.

AlexOh, you just didn't... I typed hentai.

MaxI enjoy Texas and a lot of sort of middle America. Their main misspelled search term is lesbian, but they usually spell it either lebsiam or lesbiam.

Lesbiam. Lesbiam. Lesbiams. Sounds like a gay shit. Bumblebones.

Speaker BLesbiams.

MaxAnd then across in California and really across the West Coast and much of the United States, the number one misspelled search term on Pornhub is porm.

MerlinIt's in the name of the site, Max. P-O-R-M

MaxPorm

MerlinPorm Porm I've been searched for Porm

MaxYou guys got any of that Porm

MerlinExcept for in Nevada You know they like Miffles

MaxAnd then Some of the states Like Thersums Oh they love

MerlinThe Threshums Threshums If you live up in What is that Is that probably Is that Wisconsin No they like Stepmons Stepmons Cartons They like cartons

MaxCarton Oh Michigan Boy Michigan likes that carton West Virginia Like them a carton What's that one up north Where they like compliations

AlexWait wait What is a carton What Oh okay here we go

MaxThere's a key I assume it has to do with milk Compliations is people Who are looking for They're looking for new apps For their Apple Watch

Speaker ALesbian

Speaker BLesbian Hentai Pom pom pom pom Amateur Waboni Henty Comprehension Move on Filippino

Speaker AOh dear

Speaker BTurn me in Hawaii to make the hottest Filippino

AlexWe're backing out of this

MerlinIs that a twink, Alex? If you get a Filippino Is that a twink? Is that a spinner? What's it called? Come on, you know these Don't throw me in the briar patch Give me a fucking break Carton

Speaker BI'm not a tour. Lebsiam. Parton.

MerlinBut like it's also I don't know what's been showing this except they kind of do. I like that they're misspelled differently. That's so fun. Somebody you know like the guy from Lexicon Valley could go crazy with this. Like explaining how your soft palate's different in Texas and that's why you say lesbiam. Lebsiam. Lebsiam.

Speaker BLebsiam? How do you even get Lebsiam? I also enjoy Lesbiam.

MaxLesbiam porn.

AlexLesbiam porn. This bit is done. It's done. It's been wrung out.

MaxNorth Dakota's hottest stepmonds.

MerlinWe've mocked the hard quirk of all that we're going to get out of this.

Speaker AGive it a minute.

MerlinDig, dig, tug.

AlexOkay, so closing that. No. Is that the noise that I make in your head?

MaxAlex, can you make one of your little goblins over here get me a water? Alex has a whole... She's got a hundred... You have like attendants. They carry you around on a palanquin.

AlexDid you talk back to them and they're not saying anything?

MaxI don't know if it's working. I think like everything else in this studio, it's not working. Could someone get me a water? Could one of Alex's underlings get me a water, please?

Alexyou a water. You know what?

MaxI think they did hear me on the talkback, but they're only loyal to Alex. They won't obey

Merlinmy commands. Oh, they imprinted on her like a mother duck. They pretend not

Alexto know who Max is.

MerlinOnly Alex knows their true name so she can command them. She did the Google Voice thing, right? Where now only personal information can be gotten with the correct voice. Does that work have you tried it you've got the thing right and we are we so yeah oh hi hey honey yeah you know i keep working all day and doing like a real fucking job with people um could you spend a few minutes reading things to this google device until it recognizes your

voice according to the app it was the best of times it was the worst of times you guys don't do many fun things in your house do you just well you know fun fun is fun is optional when you got stuff and things you know spoons you know what i'm saying um i know i tried it but um but you know you know what nobody cares nobody cares no they care about porn but not google i wish i wish i got to i wish i got to pick the things that i wish i could pick a realm of things for a devoid

voice dingus that only I get to do. I wish it was more granular or conversely stuff where I could give a fig and anybody can ask that, you know, but there are things where you can like turn stuff on and off or enable and disable things. And like that's made me reluctant to have things with microphones within yelling distance.

AlexI have a solution. It's called the home pod with Siri shortcuts.

MaxI will say that I have a lot of this nonsense in my house now. and the HomePod is the only thing that works all the time for me.

Speaker ASame.

MerlinIt just works very consistently. Speaking of spoons, I mean, that's like saying, like, the only kitchen you're tasked with I can depend on is the spoon. Like, just as long as you don't do fucking anything else, like, that's a bad example because spoons are awesome. But, like, the HomePod is such dog shit, you guys. It's terrible. The HomePod?

AlexI do think there's actually something to be said for individual voices being heard differently on different devices. Because the Amazon tube friend, it's very, very hard for her to understand me. Like, I have one of those alarms that... What's the one you like, Merlin? The spot? The little one that's like an orb? Is that a spot? Borbo? So the little...

Bulby.

MaxRelated to ring?

AlexSo there's a little...

MaxOkay. Blimpo.

AlexMm-hmm. So did you know that your blimpy can... Not only can you set an alarm on your blimpy, but you can have a celebrity...

MaxAre you making this up? No, no, no. Missy Elliott wakes me up every morning. Have you voice trained your Borpoos before?

AlexNo, no. What the fuck are you guys talking about?

MaxOkay. Flip it and reverse it, Alex.

AlexNo, it says...

MaxHow many novels have you read to your Borges? That's the problem. You have to read short stories by Borges.

MerlinWhat they did yesterday, and this was a funny thing. Porpoise, activate the scene. Set master to relax, Porpoise. I want to place the trigger word in a different place. I'm the master. I'm the one with the dom jeans.

MaxSet master to relax. Set master to relax. Veronica wants me to, I need to make some new scenes in the home kit because we're constantly like turning off the lights when one of us is like in the bathroom at night or something like that. So I'm trying to make some more granular scenes where you can sort of like use the voice commands to turn the lights off, but not in the parts of the house where another person might be. And so we need a halfway one where Veronica can go to sleep and turn off the bedroom lights and stuff, but not the lights where I am because I go to sleep later.

And so Veronica wants me, and I was like, what do you want me to make that? And she's like, well, make it so when I say goodnight, it does one thing. But when you say goodnight, it does another thing.

MerlinI'm like, that's not going to happen. We're not there yet. You can do with, I know you're not a Hugh person. Hugh just introduced a new thing called Zones. where you can create an ad hoc group of devices. And for a long time, the Amazon Echo product has had a thing that lets you do entirely ad hoc things. So at night I say, hey, dingus, turn West lights off. And you can... You know what can do that is Apple HomeKit.

Speaker AMm-hmm, mm-hmm.

MaxBoom. Anyway, the one Veronica wants to say is, hey, Siri, I'm feeling sleepy.

Speaker AThe...

MaxAh. Okay. So that's the new scene that I'm working on.

MerlinJust don't, just if you don't say it, that becomes her special.

AlexNo, no, no. You, you, okay. Seriously though.

MerlinVanish me lightsome.

AlexYou, you make a serious.

MaxWhat would you, wait, what is putting out a light? Is that a.

MerlinOh, we know it's a luma, you make a light with a luminose.

AlexLuminary.

MerlinLumos. Isn't it luminose? And then lumino maxim or something?

AlexAre we talking about Harry Potter? Is this the bit that's happening? Oh, that's Game of Thrones.

MerlinNever mind. Hey, Borpus. Lumos. Harry Potter spell light. I think it's Lumos. Like when he lights up when he... Yes, it's Lumos. That turns it on. What turns it off? But when the gay guy drinks out of the water fountain, he makes the bright light over the lake. Isn't that a Vanish Me... Light creation spells. Light creation spells. Lumos, Lumos. Duo Lumos Maxima Lumos Solum.

AlexMuggle's Guide to Harry Potter.

MerlinLumos Solum is a charm used to produce.

AlexWell, this is strangely difficult.

MerlinThis must be Vanish Me Lumos.

AlexHow do you turn off London Harry Potter? Oh, Lord. I know how you would do it in Siri Shortcuts because you can add HomeKit. If only Hermione had Siri Shortcuts. But here's the cool thing. It's not looking for words. It's looking for the recording that you set of your voice. So it will be able to hear Veronica.

Knox. Knox is the... Hey, Borbis, Knox. Knox?

MerlinYeah. Knox.

AlexIsn't that an angry cat?

MerlinOh, Knox for night. Spell. Oh, how clever.

MaxMuggle's guide. Anyway, I'm living in the kind of hell where I have a couple of different devices in my bedrooms. Like I have like some lights and I have like shades. And every single one of them has a completely different system. And none of them work with the same devices. Oh, I know.

MerlinI know.

MaxWell, what kind of a fucking hell future is this?

MerlinWe're there. We're living in it. It's bad. It's bad. And so the anecdote from yesterday is I was really excited because the Amazon Echo family of products finally introduced this thing they've been teasing for a while that I think is kind of clever, which is when you say the hail word and please don't do this oh my god why am i saying this to max when you say the trigger word and g-u-a-r-d if you haven't enabled guard oh my god and and

what does this do what did that do oh no big it just immediately starts a countdown on your ring alarm well and then you have to

Alexnobody has that set up nobody has that

Merlinset up like and if they did if they were listening back if they were listening to the back-to-work edit of the show that wasn't up yet they would discover that it immediately set it off in their

Maxoffice nobody has that I was surprised Jeff Bezos and you say I'll let me guard to three guards like those like pointy hats and like halberds they have like halberds and pointy hats and they come storming into your

Alexoffice you're a troll max you're being a troll what if don't do you think that could have been the name of one of his mistresses and then he would order her around jeff bezos yes he had

Merlinyou say he uses the alexa name that was the name of a lady friend that was that was his egg cooker

Alexmaybe it was i mean we don't know but yeah we don't know well i think it's like when he has

MaxWhen he has the lady friend over and he needs his balls smashed and then she won't smash them correctly, he goes,

Speaker ABleep.

MaxGuard. And they break down the door and they come in with their halberds.

MerlinAnd they escort her. Sudo. Sudo. Guard. She must comply. They escort her out. That's one of the Asimov rules.

AlexOh, dear. I'm trying to I like to sometimes just tell the tube friend to order things on show and to see if the editor will bleep it or not Oh! Oh! Order Stranded by Jeff Probst Stop! Order Stranded Shadow Island by Jeff Probst Confirm No, but there's gonna be someone else's house if they're listening outside

Maxorder cards against humanity confirm support Dubai Friday on Patreon for $10 a month at giveusyourfuckingmoney.com

Speaker Aconfirm

MerlinI know we're not supposed to speak to the editor but Quinn please deploy the beeps

Speaker Adeploy the beeps is there a spell for that is there a spell to make Quinn put bleeps in here

Merlinporpoise add beeps in

Speaker AExpelli Alexamus

MerlinAlexa stop Alexa go home God damn it

Speaker AGo home

MaxI'm mostly off of Twitter now

Speaker AYou keep saying that But then I What the fuck does that mean?

MaxI'm mostly off of Twitter So here's what I've done. I've deleted the app from my phone and I'm not logged in on mobile Safari. I have deleted the bookmark on my bookmarks bar on my desktop, but I'm still allowed to type in twitter.com and go there. And I deleted all my tweets.

And you know what? Let me tell you something. I've actually had a key insight on the leaving Twitter situation, which is if you don't tweet. like so a big part of the hook of twitter of like i gotta get on there like that anxiety of of like you know that almost like automatically you have like two seconds on an elevator the phone comes out you go on twitter because you're just like gotta find out what's happening there what you're trying to find out is you said something and now people are going to say stuff back to you and you want to know are they mad at me are they talking to me what do they have to say if you don't that

Merlinsounds like that sounds like you if they don't say anything if you're if you don't say anything no one replies to you like i go on twitter and there's no activity it's very boring oh there's nothing nothing to yell at you i know yeah i'm sure that like sounds mundane but i i hadn't really thought of that before that if i just stopped tweeting okay that would that was a surprisingly good insight yes i think that is factual like if i just stopped tweeting twitter

Maxbecomes like so much like suddenly because i'm not participating in it no one's talking to me and i'm not getting at replies and i'm not i'm not in the convo and i don't have to not in the mix yeah i don't have to like defend my point of view and i just suddenly i'm just see it's a bunch of assholes squabbling with each other.

AlexWait, you defend your point of view on Twitter? Well, no.

MaxI tell people to eat shit. I post provocative things. I like to link them to a book.

MerlinYou still put people on blast, for sure. Your new thing is telling people it's too smart for them.

MaxWasn't that funny, though? You did it a couple times. I tweeted something about that heinous Georgia abortion law, and poor Casey retweeted me. Oh, no. No one who follows me is on the right like they've all they're gone they've all left and um poor casey though has like you know i don't know i guess like apple fans who are just also fascists stick to technology like it's hard to talk about talk about i wonder if they're fascists with like an apple hobby or if they're

like apple people with a hobby for fascism but anyway casey has some casey has some fascists who follow him and they were like wow casey you're really disappointed and you're like and you're like politics like i guess i guess it's a problem that i just believe that babies are human beings or something like that. And I just replied to all of them, and I was just like, see you in hell. And then they were like, oh, wow. I guess someone loves discourse or whatever. They got really mad at me. Oh, boy.

AlexOh, man. I have been.

MaxBut anyway, if I don't do that, and Casey's not retweeting me, and I'm not in the mix, I go on Twitter, and I'm like, boy, it's just a bunch of fucking rubes arguing, just chasing after whatever shiny thing. like there's everyone's mad about drama and makeup youtube now oh it's it's a huge thing i don't

Alexunderstand do you do you want to why not investigate i mean like i don't know it's it's it's i don't

Merlinknow it's it's kind of a strange place to be to like you just be in this place and i uh i don't know i but like okay i like okay so there's a thing with somebody who's canceled now and um who They're canceled, right? Because there's makeup thing and somebody talked behind somebody's back. And, like, I don't super want to understand it. But, like, I had this breakthrough. I didn't post because you should never post. I just sent you the link for the disambiguation page for the Marvel character Magneto.

Would you mind clicking on that? That works. I'm so excited.

AlexWow, those thighs. That, ew.

MerlinSomebody says, well, that's the Earth 616 version. He's got a gap. So somebody says to you, what's the deal with Magneto? And you say, how long have you got? Scroll, scroll, scroll, scroll, scroll, scroll. There's all the different Magnetos. And I feel like that's, it's not, as you say, it's not for me. When somebody starts talking about YouTube, that's how I feel when I talk about comic books. I try to explain, you know, is Professor X still in a wheelchair? Is Jean Grey dead? It's like, how long have you got? And for me to start digging real deep on YouTube drama and then all the black lady reaction gifs, they come and they come and they come.

There's so many black ladies reacting.

MaxIt's so funny because I sent a Reddit thread from – there's a subreddit that I really enjoy called routoftheloup. And out of the loop is basically – It's so cool. It's actually great. It's a huge subreddit, I think like 100,000 plus subscribers. And someone will go on and they'll be like, I am out of the loop. could someone please explain what is happening on makeup YouTube right now? And then someone else will come in and they'll write about six or seven paragraphs. And they'll be like, starting from zero, they'll be like, here's everything that's going on so that you can understand.

And the post that's generally like at the top, there's like fucking videos, pictures, links, like it's super well researched. And what's great is it's like a primer. Like I don't need to independently go off and research this. Like someone is sort of explaining it. So I found the R out of the loop like post for for makeup drama. I might have found my first.

MerlinI might have found my first R.

MaxAnd oh my gosh. So funny. I sent it to I sent it just to Alex and Jen yesterday. And I was like in case you guys were trying to follow this like I found the explainer I've been looking for on makeup YouTube drama. I guess we'll put in the show notes. And someone was like why aren't you putting this in the Dubai Friday thing. And I was like oh Merlin would flip out if I send this. He would hate to know about this.

MerlinI guess I was wrong. I mean, a lot of this, the top voted, because people vote to move it up, right? That's how it works. A lot of top voted ones are pretty like meta sort of stuff, which I guess makes a lot of sense, like stuff about Reddit and a lot of stuff about video games. But there are some where I didn't even know what I didn't know I didn't know.

Speaker AExactly.

MerlinWhat's up with Elon Musk and the free Wi-Fi thing? I don't even know what that is. A lot of World of Warcraft.

AlexI don't even know what that is. That's the satellites, right?

MaxHe's going to put satellites and try and make free.

AlexWe broke up. We don't talk anymore.

MaxWhat's up with all of these ramen repair videos? So I would say it's like, yes, yes, no. But of things that are even more obscure than yes, yes, no.

AlexIt feels almost like a real time. Know your meme. Like this is even more off Twitter now, just in the past 24 hours that I've been like, I, I don't know. Reddit has kind of become my thing. Like since I was. No. Okay. Merlin, Merlin, Merlin. Calm down. Calm down. I used to be one of the Dig girls because I don't really know.

MaxThat's like a Bacon Boy but in the early 2000s.

AlexExactly. You chose Reddit or Dig and I chose Dig because people really vote. I had a cool story one time and it got voted up. So I was like, all right, this is where I'm planting my flag. And I never really went on Reddit. And there's literally a song called Never Go on Reddit. And there's this taboo about Reddit. But you can make Reddit good. You just don't have to look at the rest of the stuff. It's kind of great. Like, I go on and, like, look at my Doctor Who and the Detective Pikachu subreddit, and then you're done.

It's lovely.

MaxI really agree. I actually really agree with this take. I think people who don't like Reddit and they're like, oh, Reddit is, like, full of racists or whatever. Like, what subreddits are you reading? It is. So is Twitter. You have to, like, leave the, like, yeah, that's like if you follow Ben Shapiro on Twitter and then you're like, Twitter's full of conservatives.

MerlinYou know, it's not really a Nazi racist bar. as long as y'all only sit on this one stool.

AlexOh my God.

MerlinYou guys are such assholes. Why don't you understand my community? Sometimes there's three of us in a booth. The Nazis are jerks, but they got really good drink special.

AlexHey Doug, how golf explains Trump, period. Seriously, period. This is a Vox piece that you sent us, Merlin, and I didn't read all of it. And I'm confused.

MaxI missed this. You'll have to explain this.

MerlinOh, you got to get out of the loop. I talked about this a lot on a recent podcast that came out. But it's this guy who wrote a book about his thesis, such as it is, is that you can understand a lot about the president based on how he so extensively cheats at golf. And I just thought you guys would really enjoy the article. If you're going to go with one of those, it turns out there's one wackadoo theory to explain everything. It's a very funny piece and very, very, very sad.

I came across this particular one. So this guy, I think his name is Sean Riley, has this new book called Commander and Cheat. And it's just a hell of a thing. It's pretty much exactly what you'd expect. I just thought you guys would enjoy it. I talked about it a lot on another show, though, so I don't know if we should talk. Do we share a lot of listeners with the talk show? Probably not.

AlexNo, no, for sure. No.

MerlinHoly shit. Donald Trump cheats a golf and it's so freaking funny.

AlexCould you read the or would you like me to summarize the young child situation?

MerlinOK, so so slightly balloon busting correction. The just so just the child was actually not as young as originally portrayed. It was actually more a college aged kid. It doesn't.

Alexthen it's still pretty funny.

MerlinIt's still pretty. Would you be good enough to give us the reading series on this?

AlexOh, man. So I guess his name is Ted. I don't remember his last name. He is a member of Marco Largo, whatever the golf club that Trump owns is called.

MerlinIt's actually Marco Larkman.

AlexOh. Marco Larkman. Lesbian. They were at the Casey Liss.

Speaker BProm, prom, prom, prom.

AlexOh, all right. Trump sees Ted on the ninth hole. Oh, there is. Okay. I just need everybody to know. I'm not misreading this. It's a poorly written sentence. Trump sees Ted on the ninth hole and decides to drive his cart over. He tells Ted, congrats on winning the club championship. but you didn't really win it because I was out of town. Ted tries to laugh it off, but Trump is dead serious. Trump says, we're going to play these last six holes for the championship.

And Ted's like, oh, well, I'm playing with my son, but thanks anyway. But Trump says, it's okay, your son can play too. So what are you going to do? He's the president. It's his course. They end up playing. Apparently, they get to a hole with a big pond in front of the green. Both Ted and his son hit the ball on the green But Trump hits his in the water By the time they get to the hole though Trump is lining up the son's ball Only now it's his ball And the caddy has switched it The son is like

Wow this is worse than my writing The son is like That's my ball But Trump's caddy goes No this is the president's ball Your ball went in the water Ted and his son look at each other confused Not sure if this is really happening Trump makes that putt and wins one up. Then according to golf.com, he tells Virtue something like, I'll tell you what, we'll be co-champions.

End story.

MerlinAnd then when the, of course, when the plaque goes up, there was no co-champion. One of the things Gruber mentioned was that, you know how he's always the champion? He's always the best golf boy at all of his courses. You know what I'm talking about? like all the plaques on like course records and championships always like are, you know, he's always like the employee of the month for golf. You know,

Alexyou know that, right? Yes. Yes.

MaxThere's like, isn't there like fake magazine covers, like talking about what a good golfer he is, like framed, Hey, like a time magazine store expose about how good Trump is at, at golf.

MerlinYeah. The time magazine covers a riot because like anybody who has any background in like design and typefaces and life would look at it and go, that absolutely is not a Time Magazine cover. Also, somebody else was on the cover that week, and you can look it up.

AlexWell, I actually have a quick question. Do you think that he hires a designer to do these things, or if he just goes to one of those fake websites that mom baby boomers go to to get a joke gag gift done?

MerlinBecause it's so bad. Oh, it's Brandon's big day. That kind of thing.

MaxI have a theory about this.

AlexIt's so bad.

MaxI think that there are lackeys and sycophants in Trump's orbit who kind of know how to play him. And part of that might be that if you see the president in Mar-a-Lago, if you're going to Mar-a-Lago, you might make up one of those fake time covers and have it framed and bring it to the president and say, oh, like the guy showing off his Trump socks the other day. Yes. That kind of thing. You might bring it to him and go, oh, Mr. President, I brought – or I guess before he was even the president, you go, oh, Donald, I brought you this magazine cover you were on. and he knows that it's fake and you know that it's fake and everyone knows it's fake but he goes

but he goes oh i didn't even know i was on this great and hangs it up and you're like you know you know it's like a weird oh absolutely it's like a weird like supplication or i don't know

Merlinwhat it is well i mean like and not to not to press this old point but like i mean he probably if he's very excited about something in the new york times he'll probably read it to the best of his ability but like his immediate impulse his immediate impulse is not to say like yeah bring me the full version. I want 10 copies because I want to read them. If he did get them, I don't know. So there's a famous story. Last thing, at least according to Gruber, is that there was a famous thing that went around where he was the 1991 champion on one of his courses that didn't

open until 1992. And so everybody had a good laugh about that. But there's a story behind it, which is that he was doing a, you know, like a test run of the course. Like, you know, you go out and play it and see how it plays. And supposedly he was really happy with his score that day, such as it ended up on the card. And he declared that the championship round a year before the course opened. That's how he got to be the good golf boy.

AlexThat's a normal and happy story.

MerlinBut Max, that's the portion of the podcast where I quoted you, just so you know, so you don't have to go listen to a show and find your name. That's the point where I was saying your point about how it's the impossible mind-bogglingly smallness of the grips that beggars the imagination right right the your old point which i have really thought about over time is like some part of your brain really wants to under see this as like there's this giant uh there's this giant explanation for everything that robert muller will eventually give us

and like you know what there's no giant explanation it's just the the you know the the old rule of thumb was Josh Marshall or whatever the Trump razor of like always you know assume it's the dumbest possible reason why something happened right like there is no grift too small right yeah even if that's a golf yeah like like they were trying to get like free burgers at the club

Maxor so you know it's like it's like yeah now uh very quickly are you guys uh we we should really talk about our rolly egg masters but are you guys are watching game of thrones or is anyone mad about Game of Thrones. I'm not, I have to say, I'm not really watching this season, but I've been, I can't help but like hear people talk about it and hear all the plot developments and everyone get mad about it.

MerlinI'd love to not talk about it. You don't want to talk about it. Personally? Okay, fine. No, no, no, no. Whatever Alex wants to do, it's her show. Oh boy. I just feel like enough, enough stupid shit has been said on all sides.

MaxWell, I just want to, I just want to make fun of people for caring about it so much.

AlexI loved the episode.

MerlinOkay, all right. So we're grist for your King's Landing meal.

AlexI loved the episode, Merlin. I loved it so much.

MerlinYou liked it?

Speaker AI know. I know.

AlexI saw it. I saw it. I loved it.

MaxEvery Game of Thrones take I hear is just dumber than the one before it.

AlexMy take is I enjoyed it a whole lot. And it is a show written by men. So we know what's going to happen. And I just still really enjoyed it. It's like that time that I went to a Nazi bar and was like, well, there were really good cocktails. Good stools. Yep.

MaxThe train's running out of time.

AlexOh, man. I just really, I really, really liked it. That's all. All right.

MerlinYeah, I mean, it's also, I mean, like, my single meta commentary, Apox on All of the Kingdoms, is that, you know, it's difficult to see something you love, enjoy, have a personal relationship with in some ways. It's difficult to see something going away, and not going away in the way, or, you know, ending, concluding, and not see it concluding in the way one would like, or importantly, in the way one thinks is appropriate to the material. So like, you know, one beef that I actually really kind of super understand

is the whole like, well, there used to be a whole season of walking from one place to another, where there's a lot of character building. And they've kind of, I don't want to get into it, but like they've tossed that out in the last couple seasons where suddenly ravens are doing all the work and like this thing can happen very quickly. and I you know so I'm not trying to take a side here I think it's true of everything I mean there's some somebody's going to be frustrated that a media a piece of media or a media uh adaptation uh does not follow by the rules that made them love it let's put it that way right so like if

you really love the stone lady or like you really uh love uh what's his name Vorbis who's the poltergeist we don't get in the um Harry Potter movies what's his name um Flux Flux Jimbo what's his name portent portent oh hard hard scrub hard hard home you don't get hard home i know this poltergeist jeeves no not jeeves what jeeve joe joe joe uh what's his name i okay uh joe joe joe uh so it's not important

Alexgod damn it this is actually uh one of the first okay peeves there we go i was one letter off okay I don't feel as dumb.

MerlinOr you're bummed because you have a special attachment to the dire wolves. Or just me reading this book a little bit, yeah, the dire wolves are really cool and important and meaningful to the stories. When something happens with your hound, it's kind of related to what's happening with you and the way they're named is really important. And now I'm like, holy shit. I just feel like, to me, I don't want to be too hard on anybody because they're super fans that are disappointed

that even if it's not the ending they want, they feel like it's an ending that's breaking the rules.

Speaker AI think that's part of it.

MerlinAnytime you have something, and that could be rules like, oh, Rey's not allowed to be that good with light swords that quickly. Like whatever you're stupid or real or cool, whatever, I don't fucking care. Whatever your reason is, we are so personally attached to these things that when we feel like the rules that made us love it are broken, we get a little sore. And I kind of feel like that's at the heart of a lot of it.

MaxShouldn't people have a different, wouldn't the best solution here be for people to have a different relationship with the media they consume?

Speaker AWell, but, but why?

MaxSay more about that. What do you mean? If you're like, get mad at the TV for the way they're like telling your story, like shouldn't you maybe, shouldn't you rethink the way that you're engaging with that?

MerlinYou don't feel that though? you don't you don't get frustrated when something i guess a classic example is something going from again you know book to screen sure i i like lost definitely was the biggest one for me of like

Maxvery very invested like i was on the forums like reading theories i watched every episode like on tv with my friends in college like oh i was like fully fully immersed and lost and then the the whole it just went downhill downhill downhill until the finale and it just totally like shit

Merlinthe bed. And similarly, you have this quickening realization about, for me, I felt like there were so many, certainly we knew lots of things were, what, red herrings or whatever. We knew there was stuff, there was probably not going to be a way to account for all of the mysteries and open questions that we had throughout that series. But you get that sinking feeling as it approaches the end of the series, at least I did, of like, oh man, are they going to get to that? They're going to do this and now of course now I'm now I'm yelling because why are you spending so much

time on this thing when you could be spending time on the polar bear or you know or whatever

MaxI just I just the bear to me like I didn't yell at the showrunners I didn't feel like that would help you didn't feel you didn't feel like betrayed no I didn't feel betrayed you know what it made me want to watch it less and I and I went and did other things I read books or whatever and and or watched other shows or whatever and to this day I still recommend that people watch the first one or maybe two seasons of Lost because I think they're outstanding. The whole thing doesn't need to be good. I'm able to say the first season of Lost is some of the most perfect television ever made.

MerlinIt's like impeccable writing. We talked about that as a challenge. You had an early idea for a challenge of re-watching that pilot, which I have fairly recently. And it's what a piece of work that from the very first shot to this increasing reveal of what's happening, there's the dog and there's the guy and why is he in the jungle and what's happening. and then just this over when he makes it to the beach that like overwhelming like oh my god i i still get i'm getting chills now thinking about the guy getting slurped up in the i know but just when he first gets to the beach the noise remember that irregular humming noise that the plane is

making that the engine's making oh i'm getting chills my i get chills i get chills and it's it's

Maxso effectively done i just i anyway i i just all i'm saying is like i just feel like that's a healthier like i didn't like the ending of lost but like i just i don't know like i i don't think it's like an attack on women i'm not yelling at the show creators i'm not mad at the show's politics i'm like boy i just this was not what i wanted and that's okay and i still think the first season is great okay but isn't that aren't i right and everyone else wrong yes everybody

Alexeverybody else is wrong except go go go go go well no the problem is that now media hold on Hold on. Hold on. Everyone calm down.

Speaker ACalm down.

AlexThe problem with any sort of media criticism or conversation on Twitter is that the actual thoughtfulness is buried in, like you said, meh, meh, they didn't spend enough time on the direwolves. They got rid of this character. Whereas there are some things to be said of like, okay, you did some really bad things to a woman that you didn't have to like what is that in service of in terms of a it's not like screaming at the showrunners it's not

like i i understand why people do that and then have that visceral reaction but it's more of all right why was that important to the story kind of like when you're watching a horror movie and there's all the tropes of like the black characters and the virgin who is fucked first

Merlinblack character dies first yeah do we really need that many rapes and then the show the show is

Maxguilty I mean I'm not defending this the show is guilty of doing of doing like really lazy and

Alexhacky tropes well and that's the thing it's like the show has been also they spent over a whole

Maxseason just torturing Theon Greyjoy and like cutting his nuts off in like graphic detail like I just should if that's not what you know but wait wait hear me hear me out hear me out if if people didn't want that in their entertainment which is perfectly valid like I fucking hated that season and I maybe not want to watch the show anymore don't watch it like like turn it off like I just I don't understand that that is exactly that is why is this uh I just what's like why make this like a battlefield like what's to be gained like I just don't get it is

Alexlike you're right it is a trope it's lazy it's gross but when a show elevates itself to what Game of Thrones has become just you can argue whether it's just culturally or if it's actually good enough it's like all right so why did you use this trope and I think that is it will get lost on Twitter but then you have things you have people like Joanna Robinson who read she is she's a brilliant media critic and she um Game of Thrones is kind of like her beat and she breaks

down like all right why people feel betrayed and why they think this thing is sexist and why book readers really liked this episode and why non-book readers hated this episode and it is dissecting like all right who's screaming into the void and you know like you can also criticize the the

Maxwriting and character I just I just wish people like it's you don't have to watch it like I'm not defending well i'm not you see it i'm not saying i know people are gonna get mad at me and i'm not saying that the i'm not actually defending that it's right for the show to torture women or whatever i'm not saying that i'm just saying like why are you like why get into these like culture war battles on twitter like just don't watch the show that's my hand my hand is waving

Merlinin the air please let me ask a question yes merlin merlin it sounds like you could be saying and this is not a trap i hope it sounds like you could be saying at least two different things and it might both neither whatever like the one thing i don't think you're saying is people get too engaged with various kinds of media and they should stop doing that i don't hear you saying that what i do hear you're saying is people's reaction to uh various turns in media feels outsized their emotional response feels to you if i'm hearing you right is that like there's probably a healthier way to

respond to that so the if i'm correct that you're not saying don't get engaged you're saying stay get engaged but like so so more than just like stop watching this show like what would you say to people who feel that that kind of disappointment just don't talk about it so we're like so if you

Maxwant a serious answer like so like let's take the example i do i do i'm asking you legit okay yeah so let's let's take the example of like of like sexual violence in media and like torturing women and all of the awful tropes that game of thrones does which which are which are i the show is as Can we just stipulate that the show has kind of crossed the line on that stuff? There was that one season.

MerlinI think it might be the season.

MaxThe Sansa season.

AlexExactly. There was one season.

MerlinHow much else can we do to Sansa?

MaxSo here's what you can do. Exactly. Here's the deal. So the first thing is if you feel strongly about that, which is fine, the first thing is find people who have something to say about it that's considerate. So the writer, what's the writer's name?

AlexJoanna Robinson.

MaxAnd also, like I know Anita Sarkeesian has been on our show and has written about it. And just retweet them. Like, you don't, like, I just, find something you like and say, like, hey, support this person.

MerlinOh, here's a take that explains how.

MaxYeah, like, here's, or.

MerlinIt's not just a blast of emotion.

MaxYeah, you're not just, like, you're not just, like, saying, like, fuck the showrunners or whatever on Twitter. Like, find something, someone who has something positive to say. And the other thing is, like, you don't have to keep watching the show. If you get mad at it on Twitter and you use the hashtags, like, that's part of the marketing of Game of Thrones. And they're pushing your buttons and they're hoping that the audience responds in certain ways. Anytime there's like some female superhero movie and people get mad at the movie and the people get mad at the people who are mad at the movie, that is part of the marketing machine for that film. And you don't have to participate in it. You do not have to play your part.

You don't have to show up for that. You can just not do it. And so I would say first, like just amplify people who have something to say. And the second thing is like vote with your dollar. Like talk about shows.

AlexWe agree on this. This is what.

MaxTalk about shows that are doing good storytelling and don't talk about shows that are doing bad storytelling. I just don't like but there's something sick there's some is it the sense is it the sense of

Merlinagain not a trap do you feel like it might be the sense of how does one say entitlement or obligation that like you you be you betrayed you betrayed me by going in this direction that's at

Maxodds with yes but also it's not only that yeah for sure that there's the entitlement and terrible fan culture I'm like what a fucking creative burden it must be on all on all sides like

MerlinThey can't people on both sides.

Speaker AYeah, but they can't.

MaxThe showrunners couldn't for all of their problems. Like the people making Game of Thrones like God, they can't possibly make everyone happy. Like why even try? Like it's just like, yeah, it's an impossible creative burden. But all that aside, like like some when I see people get this worked up every Sunday night and they're screaming at each other on Twitter and posting gifts and they're getting into these fights and this this show hates queer people and it's an attack on me and whatever. And then other people are like, how dare you criticize Game of Thrones? This is like sick. This is not appropriate.

Look around the world. This is not the battlefield, right? Like something is wrong. This is the thing that everyone is – I feel very – it's like real last days of Rome feeling when I see everyone fighting this intensely about Game of Thrones.

AlexI agree. that is I think we are saying the same thing except like I genuinely like reading the criticism and you know love Anita's work and I like I don't like the discourse and it's it's like the fights on Twitter just they when you do that you are just burying all the interesting good criticism out there and also it is the sense of entitlement it's like there are people freaking out because

they're like Jon Snow needed more instruction how to ride a dragon and I don't know at the beginning of the show it felt that's like when Twitter just started picking up and I think people felt less entitled to media and in the past decade it's become like people define themselves by the

Maxmedia they enjoy right it's like the things you consume are your identity right it's like you're building this little profile of yourself that's indicated by the characters that you you the the action figures that you buy and the media that you consume and that's inappropriate that's not a good way to go through life I I don't think that's healthy I'm genuinely when I mean it's fine to like a tv show but it's bad if you can't handle people criticizing this is bad to give it that much access to your psyche yeah that can't be a healthy way to go through life the fun and

AlexI don't know about the psyche. Well, we're talking about something different, I think.

MaxAlex, the other thing that you touched on that I think is smart is like, so the whole slogan of feminist frequency is be critical of the media you love. And I think that's a great slogan, but there's two parts of it. So the first part that's really easy to see is be critical, right? Like it's okay to like watch something and be like, I love this, but it's like fridging women or whatever the problems are. And that's fine. And we all get that. but the other thing is like the last part of that is of the media you love be critical of the media you love like it is not a good light like you are not the cop on the beat of watching every tv show

and calling it out or like finding the problems like i not everyone like it's just it's it's wild like fine like do you even like all the people who all the complaining i see about game of thrones do you like this show like why are you watching it you're just torturing yourself stop watching it

AlexDo you? And I agree. That's why there's none of this. Well, actually, I don't know.

MaxNow you're dunking on something you hate.

AlexWell, that's a little bit fun. But that's your target? No, no. Sorry. I was thinking about.

MaxNo, but I mean, let's say you want to have a podcast called Dunk on Things We Hate and you're mad at a TV show about dragons in this world.

AlexIt's very upsetting. And yeah, I mean.

MaxWhere is that on the rankings of bad things that happened in the news this week?

Speaker AI still wonder, though, what happened in the past decade?

AlexMax, I feel like you have a book or a paper or something that will explain this. Why do people identify so strongly with something that that just becomes them?

MaxSo I think it's clearly, I mean, I think you hit the nail on the head that it's something to do with identity. I don't have a big grand unified theory, but I think there's something about people feeling very disempowered. People feel very disempowered. They have no power over their lives. They have no power in society, right? Like especially young people. And so I think it's like you start to think about like, well, what's something I can control? Like what can I build my identity?

MerlinNot consciously.

MaxYeah, right. Yeah, because you can't control. But it used to be like people used to have a lot of their identity wrapped up in their job, for example. And you would have the same – you would pick something and you'd be like, I will be a designer. And then you're a designer for like 70 years and then you retire or something like that. Like that's not a thing anymore. Like who has a thing that they do? You know what I mean?

AlexAlexa, order cards against humanity. Confirm.

MerlinFixing up the home that you own. No, no, no. I mean I'm trying to – I'm agreeing. No, yeah, that's interesting. Like, every time I overhear people talking, maybe it's probably at least in part envy, but, like, when I hear people constantly talking about, I was waiting in line for a prescription yesterday, and, like, this entire conversation was like, oh, when are you closing? When are you doing the thing? You're buying and selling the house. And, Martin, what are you going to do? And I'm like, ugh. Like, I'm kind of glad to be poor because, like, I really don't want to become somebody who constantly talks about that. But, like, no, but in that instance, the whole, like, you know, avocado conspiracy about why people of a certain age, you know, don't have houses.

Well, you know, I mean, it's what Max is saying. It's like the opportunities are not there anymore. This is suddenly become such a fan of friend shipping. This is something Trim was talking about a lot, which is like, you know, hustle versus grind. And like this need to go out and like maybe you're envying this person on the Internet who you're friends with. But like, you know, first of all, you sound a little jealous about that. But it's also that like you don't know what their backstory is. You don't know what their grind needs to be. You don't know like what their health care bill is. this week. And anyway, I'm sorry, I derailed you. But I'm with you, Max. Like there's not as many

things. And we're not even into the like, like, what's the matter with Kansas? Why don't people bowl anymore? Like any of that kind of stuff. There are fewer opportunities for community, but so many of them are. And I'm going to throw to you here, Max, materialist, you've got to look at the materialist argument. Like, like, like first principles, Clarice, maybe people don't have money for the other stuff. Yeah, they've got their parents HBO login. And this is a thing they're really connected to. I think that's totally it.

MaxAnd then there's the idea of like, we also just like live in a time and a very atomized, like lonely time where everyone is just like an individual and any sort of like authentic connection to another person or a group you might have is sort of like under attack, right? So like think of like the ways that people would have fraternity or like solidarity. Like, you know, you don't really have church plays like a much smaller role in like young people's lives. I wasn't going to say it,

MerlinChurch is more than Jesus. It's really a lot more than that.

MaxSchool, even school. I think school has gone, at least from when I was a kid, I remember the school being more of a community, and now I really think it's more of a customer service relationship where it's individual parents and kids vying for what's best for them. Very focused on that.

Certainly the civic space is completely destroyed. There's no idea of, oh, well, we'll all come together in like the city government or you know something like that and then unions obviously like uh have like systematically been been stripped of all their powers like you have all these places where it's like the normal places where like people could come together to feel a part of something bigger than themselves and that's an innate human desire like people want to feel they want to give themselves up to something that's bigger than themselves that's a a huge part of the human experience and capitalism is always there to fill that void so they're like well we can all watch

the same show on Sunday night and feel connected to something bigger than ourselves. And for that time, like we can, we can not be so lonely, but like, damn, like that's a really bad one to pick. Like, I really wish people had more choices than, than which media you're consuming, like which thing, like that, that's not healthy because then you tend to, and then when the show goes bad, it's like someone burned down your church, right? Like, and you have a response that's

Merlindisproportionate. Well, just a couple of quick things. First of all, that was a very good segment that should probably be the after show and my favorite magneto is earth 58163 house of

Maxchallenge this challenge was mine uh yes it was oh you know what i can i do a just a small amount of housekeeping. Yes. I have a couple of things to plug.

MerlinDo I have time to mute and pee in a jug while you do it?

MaxYeah, you go pee in a jug and I'll tell people

Merlinabout our Vengees episode.

MaxOh, yeah, please. Max, what's going on with Vengees? Oh, thank you so much for asking, Merlin. So, you know, I'm a big fan of consuming media and the stuff that's really close to you and just talking about it ceaselessly.

MerlinAnd so we've done that for you.

MaxWe did our Vengees spoiler cast. And if you want to hear me, Alex, Jen, and our friend Andrew talking about the new Vengees movie and we all went around and we talked about the things that we liked and our nitpicks of the movie you can go to www.giveusyourfuckingmoney.com you can become a supporter of the Dubai Friday Patreon and we will be posting probably by the time this episode is live the Dubai Friday Vengees spoiler cast where we get into the weeds on Vengees and we do have a pretty good debate about whether

it is acceptable to call Chris Hemsworth fat and make fat jokes about Chris Hemsworth very lively. But in addition, if you're a Dubai Friday Patreon subscriber, you've probably noticed that this show doesn't have any ads. We're not selling you ads for mattresses or...

AlexI don't know.

MaxWhat's on that? What do people...

AlexFood, websites, socks.

MaxThose boxes. Those boxes with farm egg.

AlexOh, that murder mystery thing that's going around.

MaxYeah, we're not selling any of that bullshit. And the reason is we're completely listener supported. All of the money that we need to make Dubai Friday comes from the listeners just being nice, tossing us a few bucks, keeps the ads off of Dubai Friday. We super don't want to have ads and have to worry about that, make the show much worse for you. And so, of course, you can support us at giveusyourfuckingmoney.com. And if you become a supporter, you get access to the Dubai Friday After Show. That's a whole second episode that we do every week where we plan out the next week's challenge. I also would love to – I have not mentioned this in a little bit,

but I would love to invite people to join us to discuss Dubai Friday on the Dubai Friday subreddit, which is rdubifriday, which I check sporadically. Maybe I'll go on there once a month and see what's going on. But the really good one is the Dubai Friday Discord. I don't remember how people join. I think it's in our Patreon, right?

AlexYep, yep, yep.

MaxYeah, so if you join the Patreon, you automatically will get added to the Discord, but you don't have to be on the Patreon. How do you find the link?

AlexI have no idea.

MaxEmail Alex. Listen, we have a Discord. What is Discord? It's like Slack for gamers, but it's kind of a real-time.

AlexOh, don't call it that.

MaxIt's kind of a real-time chat room, and we have this community.

MerlinIs it like Reddit for gamers?

MaxYeah, it's like Reddit for gamers.

MerlinJoin me on my stool.

MaxIt's like a real-time chat room, and there's different rooms, and people talk about food and politics and just bullshit. I will say I'm really proud. We have a great moderator team that organized this little kind of mini meetup in Chicago. And I'm really proud of that Discord. It's like a uniquely positive space. Like there's not really any fighting. No one is mean to each other. So if you just want to come and meet some nice people and chat and not be negative and not be mean,

join us on the Dubai Friday Discord server, which maybe we'll put the invite link in the show notes this week.

AlexWe'll figure it out. Yeah.

MaxAll right. So the challenge this week was mine, and this is one I've been stewing on for quite a while. And the challenge was use the Rolly Egg Master. Now, I saw the Rolly Egg Master because there was like an animated GIF of it that was going around the Internet and being made fun of. And I immediately saw it and was like, we have to do this for Dubai Friday. Oh, my God. So may I describe it?

Speaker APlease.

MaxYou introduced it to us through a YouTube video, I think. Okay, cool. So it's an infomercial. It's an as-seen-on-TV infomercial product. And what it is, is it's kind of a fleshlight. I mean, in size and shape, it is almost exactly like a fleshlight.

AlexI mean, if you want to set your dick on fire.

MaxAnd you plug it into an outlet, and it's just a sort of black and white tube. It looks sort of kitchen appliance-y, but cheap. And it comes up to temperature, and then a green light turns on. And then what you can do is you can crack two whole eggs into the rollie, and we'll get into the sound that it makes in a minute.

MerlinDon't scramble them.

MaxNo, you don't do anything. You just crack it in.

MerlinNo, they specifically admonish you not to scramble them.

MaxAnd after about four or five minutes, the egg is... So what you're cracking it into is a little log. It's almost like... It's like a turd-shaped hole in the tube. And then it sort of extrudes an egg log out of the rollie. And it steams, it's coming up. And then the thing just like sort of starts to like... It just sort of starts to rise out like a... Like it starts to turtle out. And then you sort of...

MerlinWell, it's basically like a reverse penis pump for dogs. Yeah. Because it looks like a dog erection coming out of a penis pump, but it's egg. And then you tip it, and the egg logs. And the food chamber, the food chamber.

MaxYou tip it, and the egg logs.

MerlinAnd then it lazily falls over the sides like a spent dog penis. Whoa.

Speaker AWhy do you know this much about dog penises?

MerlinDid you not have a dog with a penis when you were a kid?

AlexNot one that got. No.

MerlinYou've never known a dog. You've never known a dachshund that could throw some wood? No. You've never seen that?

AlexNo. No. I've never seen an uncircumcised dog. Anyway.

MaxNow, I will say I bought the egg. I obviously, let's just state for the record. I picked this challenge and we did it because I thought it would be, I super wanted to make fun of it and I thought it would be really stupid. And I have to say, I kind of like this thing more. Like, it's not as useless and terrible as I would have assumed. Like, I would have guessed it would have been a zero out of ten in terms of usefulness. Absolutely. I would give it a two or three out of ten. I could legitimately see this be a useful appliance for some people in some circumstances.

AlexWell, I just opened mine here in the studio.

MaxOh, shit, dog. Oh, shit. Do we have some eggs?

AlexI don't know. Well, I did not have any eggs at my house this morning.

MaxWell, I did, but then I ate them. Can you send one of your little minions to go get out? Call upon one of your egg goblins.

AlexJordan, can you go see if there's any eggs in the kitchen, please? What?

MerlinCheck on the coffee bar.

AlexOh, and wait. What is it? Do we need cooking oil, cooking spray?

MerlinOh, my God. Yes, you need to spray the interior of the food chamber.

AlexOh, we need cooking spray as well.

MaxYeah, get some of that. Now, also, like, I will say, like, the first one I made, I didn't fully wash the chamber good enough beforehand. And I did have, like, kind of a noxious, chemical-y taste to it.

AlexOh, no, that's what you want.

MerlinYeah, it definitely makes a plasticky smell. They warn you about that in the very poorly written manual. It says I highlighted some parts here. But it does warn you ahead of time. On first use, some protective coating might burn off. There's a lot of mites in here. Might burn off, causing smoking. This is not harmful and will disappear after a short time.

So they're basically saying, cool your jets. Don't put your dong in here until it's clean.

AlexThis is the calm down of instruction manuals. My God.

MerlinThey're adamant about not scrambling.

MaxDid you have any other highlights from the instruction manual? Because I also found that to be a very confusing document. It's not that bad.

MerlinThe type's a little small for someone of my age.

MaxDid you look at the disgusting slop that they said you could make in this thing?

MerlinI very briefly looked at it. I was a little bit time constrained, and that's why you got a torrent of messages from me as my daughter and I went to town on this boy. So you spray the cooking chamber. The cooking chamber. With oil spray. Lesbian cooking chamber.

Speaker BDog peen. Dog peen.

Merlinactually the dachshund's name was max crack open one to two large eggs directly into the cooking chamber for fully cooked eggs cook for approximately six to eight minutes at which time eggs may normally rise out of cooking chamber otherwise you may pour out the eggs a mild shaking or the use of a wooden skewer may be necessary and then it just just kind of kind of falls over but you know i thought it was uh i don't know for killing time while the goblins

bring eggs but like so i went into this going like of course it's going to be another one of these these horrible challenges this is a silly thing um but and with my daughter and i had a lot of fun with it it was it was it was uh real silly but you know what the um the egg wasn't terrible the egg thing wasn't bad it's just it's it is weird that it makes this like ad hoc sushi roll out of your breakfast and they they encourage you to try different things to wrap it around but you know what i did i cut it up into little sushi bites because i thought that was kind of cute added a little salt i don't say anything about seasoning either it's just cooking oil and plus

egg and i hope we will cover the sound of an egg going into this thing because it's the last sound oh we're gonna we're gonna we're gonna mic it the last sound you hear in a clown's basement it's real it's real bad and uh but i i had uh i had almost two bites of it and then i threw it

Maxaway it was it could have been way worse oh no i had i actually made this so i made this once in the office and I ate the whole thing and I and I thought it was a I could cook a better egg in a pan but I didn't think it was inedible I thought it was you know what I thought it was like as good as a McDonald's egg oh whoa okay and uh and then I made it again at home to show Veronica and I ate that one too well I okay no what is that now I could see now now let's say that you had someone who worked in an office not our our office has a full kitchen and like we like provide free food

to everyone but that's not a normal workplace like most places don't do that so like most offices i've worked in have like a kitchenette so there's maybe a sink and a microwave but not a full not anything else and if you wanted let's say maybe you had dietary restrictions or something and you basically wanted like eggs cooked eggs for lunch and you didn't want to you know and you like this is better than microwaving them for sure this is way it's way better than microwaving eggs wait you

Alexmicrowave raw eggs? Some people do.

MaxSome people, you can. Oh, no,

Merlinit's totally, it was one of the original pitches of microwave ovens. Well, there were a couple pitches about, so the pitches for early microwave ovens were, first of all, oh my gosh, this thing is totally safe, and it will, like, cook your food so fast. One of the other pitches was, like, you can just make scrambled eggs and bacon in there. The one that never really caught on was the ones that said they would brown your food. Like, have you ever tried to cook a chicken in a microwave, it's not a real good idea. It's just basically a rubber bird.

It's so disgusting. But yeah, eggs was one of the big ones. You would do it in like a little, we did it in one of those little Corel bowls with some, you know, saran wrap on it, I think. Some people really like it.

AlexOkay. Why? I don't know.

MerlinBut you don't like, are you an egg person? When you get eggs, if you're going to, well, first of all, do you eat eggs? Here we go.

AlexYes, I eat

MerlinOkay, how do you like them? Do you like them? I bet you like them scrambled hard Yep, yep, yep This is basically what you're going to get out of this machine

AlexOh boy

MerlinYou might like this, Alex And you can leave it in longer Well, you know, you've got to kind of push it back in, I guess

AlexOh boy, like the dachshund Your name is Max The interesting thing about the skewers Get the mic way up in there Well, it needs to like warm up, right? Did you plug it in? Did you spray the spray? All right.

MaxIt'll come to temperature. Put the mic. Do you want me to come over and audio engineer this? Don't put it in a cardboard box. It's hot.

AlexNo, it's not. It's not plugged in. It's not plugged in. I'm spraying it so it doesn't get all over the studio.

Speaker ADo you shake these?

MaxPut the microphone on it. Oh, my God. I'm coming over there.

AlexI'm not spraying. I'm coming over there.

MerlinOh, my God. Well, the listeners want to hear it all.

AlexOkay. Yeah. Hear it. Yeah. Oh, my God.

MerlinOh, that's the cooking chamber.

Maxbacksplash there. Okay, now plug

Merlinit in. Did you clean it? No. That's upsetting too. It comes with a bespoke cleaning brush with a sponge on the end. You just really fucking, you go at it. It's like, it's like, yeah. It's a very inconsiderate hand job for a device.

Speaker AJesus. Good lord.

AlexNo.

MerlinNow you're clean. Now you're all clean. You're a clean boy now, aren't you? I haven't been

Alexthis upset by a children.

MaxWait till you hear the egg go in because you don't even know the meaning of upset yet. Take the pop filter off so that we can really get the mic up in there.

AlexYeah, because that's what I want.

MerlinPull the pop filter off. But there will be... What are we waiting for? We're waiting for which light? The red light? Red light means it's on. Green light means it's ready. Is that right?

AlexWe're at red light. Oh, that... Yep, that has a smell. Hmm.

MaxDoes the sound... Ooh. Whoa. I think these mics... Do these mics have a built-in pop filter?

AlexYes. This is not a pop filter. This is a windscreen.

MaxOh, get these windscreens out of here.

AlexAll right. All right.

MaxI don't know. I don't need it. Naked, robotic. Wow. Look how good. Do you hear a difference, Merlin? Yes. You sound very intimate.

MerlinWell, mine has the proximity effect thing, I think, or something like that. If I get very close and speak quietly, it's supposed to sound good. Instead of me going, I'm.

AlexYeah, the louder you talk into these mics, the more it is. Yeah. Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Oh, should I be huffing this oil?

MaxPete's job was to keep the baby happy. Today, Dick told Patty about it.

Speaker AWhat?

MaxI'm reading a script. I'm reading the script that you used to test plosives. Oh, I thought that was Mad Men. The girls were baking the biggest cake for Mr. Tag. Their brother wouldn't bathe because he thought a bath might bake his toothache worth. Slower, say it slower. Do it slower.

AlexWell, your plosives are fine because the pop filter is built in. Like, it is in here. Bookbag. Piss, piss, piss. Oh, but if you do it on the side, piss, piss, piss.

Speaker BBookbag. Goldenberg shoes.

AlexPiss, piss, piss is great. Turpstra.

Speaker BTurpstra.

AlexOh, all right. Now it's red and green. and it smells like chemicals. You are good to go.

MerlinDrop that egg. Deploy, deploy, deploy. Eggs away. Let's be quiet and get the mic close. Okay, get the mic way in there.

MaxAll systems go for egg launch.

Speaker BBegin egg extraction now. Life begins at conception. This is not the state of Georgia, so begin to extract the eggs now.

AlexSo you crack the egg before...

MaxNo, Alex, you put the whole thing in with the shell.

AlexI don't know.

MaxThat's right. You don't eat the shell. The whole egg.

AlexI don't know.

MaxListen, listen. Shh. Wait.

Go.

MerlinOh. Holy shit. Oh, my God. It's worse than I remember.

AlexOh, my God.

MerlinHoly shit.

Speaker AOh, my God.

MerlinWe just found the opposite of my ASMR. The eggs are away. The eggs are away. Well, let's do it. You could do one more. You could do two eggs. Prepare a second egg for deployment.

AlexI hate cracking. Loading egg. Oh, no.

MerlinLoading egg.

AlexShh. All right, hold on, hold on. Oh, it's so hot. It's so hot.

MerlinOh, my fucking God. Who's hungry? Holy shit.

Speaker Ait's the worst thing it's the worst thing i've ever heard i i i'm frankly i'm ready to eat

Alexoh it smells like i'm burning a toy this is what hunter hunter's ready to write let's go

MerlinThis is what it's like at Zizek's house.

AlexI hate this so much.

Speaker BHe puts a crackless egg into the rollie. The ideology is meant to be the protective case on the outside.

MerlinWhat you don't realize is that the electricity coursing through it is an ideology you can't unplug.

AlexDo I put this in? No, no, you don't need anything.

MaxNo, you're done. You're done. Now just wait. That's a few. Alex, can I see the recipe book or the instructions or whatever? So in the back of this thing, it tells you other foods you can make with the rolly egg machine. And some of these are absolutely disgusting slop.

This one is four slices of white bread cut into small cubes, a large egg, and then cinnamon and vanilla. And that makes a French toast rolly.

How do they spell that in Utah? One quarter cup of pancake batter, one pre-cooked sausage link. Spray the roly cooking chamber with nonstick spray. Place the pancake batter into the cooking chamber. Glug, glug, glug. Insert the wooden skewer into the center of the pre-cooked sausage link and place the sausage link into the center of the batter.

Cook for eight minutes and then pour the product out. Serve with maple syrup.

Speaker APut the lotion in the bastard.

MerlinHow's it going? You getting any action? Look in there. Are you wearing protective eye gear, Alex? I should have mentioned that. Are you wearing eye gear?

AlexI am 100% ready for this to splat right into my glasses.

MaxOh, boy. Cheddar turkey roly. No. Two pieces biscuit dough, one sliced smoked turkey, one half sliced sharp cheddar cheese cut into pieces.

AlexThis is, now it smells half plastic, half burnt egg.

MaxRoly melts tortilla.

AlexOh. Why?

MaxRollie Burger Dog One half pound ground beef Pinch of cumin, salt and pepper One half cup chopped onion Pinch of parsley

AlexWe should send this to the Armands Those all seem like keto friendly things

MerlinOh god What's the thing So I sent you the Alton Brown Alton Brown looking at one of these

MaxThe studio is smelled with that chemically It's the very chemically smell of the first rolly.

MerlinOh, wait. Guys, guys, guys, guys, guys. What if we, what if we, or cards, sponsor top four, we send them a whole bunch of whatever Alton Brown calls them. Useless, single-use devices.

MaxYes.

MerlinWhat if we send them 10 unitaskers and ask them to do a top four?

MaxI've always wanted to buy the Williams-Sonoma strawberry huller for some reason. You can't use a straw like everybody does?

AlexWait, what's a strawberry huller? Like, it takes out?

MerlinWell, my kid does it with a straw. She learned it from a YouTube video.

AlexOh, so you don't get any of the seeds?

MerlinWell, no, you go through the middle to get that yucky white part out. No, Alex. I don't know. Have you ever seen a strawberry?

Speaker AI don't.

MerlinIt takes off the seeds. You peel the strawberry.

Speaker AOkay. Okay.

MaxDo you know what a strawberry is?

Speaker AOkay. I have identified strawberry correctly.

MerlinIs that stop sign or strawberry?

Speaker AClick on storefronts. Ha, ha, ha.

MerlinYou just failed your own capture.

MaxStrawberry is fruit This podcast is like a Voight-Kampff test for you And it's not going great

Show notes

Transcript

132. Borpus

Show notes

Transcript

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