76. Half Serrated, Half Stabby

AlexThis is Do By Friday, a weekly challenge podcast with Merlin Mann, Alex Cox and Max Tenskin. That's me. This week's challenge, buy a bag.

MerlinHi Merlin. Hi buddy, how's it going?

MaxDo you have your mystery box? Yep. Oh, thank God. Oh wow. Alex and I were so sure you were going to leave.

MerlinYou keep asking me and I keep telling you.

MaxI told you three times. We thought you were going to leave it at home.

AlexWait, do you have it in the office next to you? Oh my God.

MerlinGuess what else I brought?

AlexOh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

MerlinDid I get you that one too? Did you get the black one? Did I send you that one too? I sent you the Swiss one. You did? I sent you the silver one. What are you guys talking about?

MaxI sent you guys Swiss blades, remember? My knife. Oh, I need to go get my new bag. I'll be right back. Listen to this one. Can I go get my new bag? I forgot it. Yes, please. Get your bag. Don't start without me. Just sit there silently. Just go do your work. But wait, will you guys promise me that you're going to sit here silently? Go get the... Listen. I don't want to miss any jokes.

AlexStop talking over my flick. Complete silence.

MaxOkay, it's a good flick, but do you hear what I'm saying? I don't want you guys to make any flicks. No flicks, no jokes. I don't want to miss it. Okay? Try harder. Okay, I'll be right back. Just sit there quietly. Go into like a rest mode until I come back.

Speaker AMm-hmm.

MerlinI still haven't looked at Max's FAQs. Anything else I want to say about Max? Max didn't think my joke was funny, and he was wrong. I made a very funny joke.

AlexWas this the discourse that was happening on Twitter that I vaguely saw, and then I'm like, I don't know.

MerlinI made an arch-situationist remark, and then Marco took the time to tell me that it wasn't funny. And then I explained to him how it was. Wait, Marco or Max? He was wrong. It's okay. I mean, you know, differing humorists can have honest disagreements.

AlexTrue. Oh, I've cut myself. Oh, dear.

MerlinGod, listen to that thing. Oh, man. I changed mics for one day, and now I'm back. I changed mics. I couldn't stand it.

AlexI heard that on your other program. You've got the— Are you there, Alexandra? I am.

MerlinAlexandra?

AlexChris, can you turn me up?

MerlinAm I dead?

AlexOh, sweet Jesus.

MerlinWhat are they done with her? Hey, everybody. Oh, no. I'm here. Welcome to Do By Friday. I'm here.

AlexI'm here.

MerlinA week of the challenge podcast where people don't talk to me or respond to me or tell me when to talk or not to talk. This is my knife. There are many like it. Really clicking on all cylinders today, aren't we? Things going well over there on Elston Ave?

You guys are really kicking it. Kicking it into high gear. I was here a quarter till. This is addressed in an upcoming issue of the Reconcilable Differences podcast.

AlexThe lack of preparedness, as you would say?

MerlinNo, no, no. Oh, I'm back. I'm back. I talked to John Syracuse about the importance, whether he thinks punctuality is important. And then we ended up having a very interesting discussion based on a question of mine that I have been pondering. Is the demand for punctuality, does the demand for punctuality come out of a form of privilege? Yes. I think it might.

MaxWell, you guys just kept going without me, huh?

MerlinNo. No, no, no. We were on sleep mode. We were in nap, nap, nap breast.

AlexI was just playing with knives and I've now made myself bleed twice. Did you hear that? Listen to that curse.

MaxAre you playing the knife game over there? Alex has really sliced herself up over here.

AlexWhat are you doing? Just pouring blood into the microphone.

MerlinDid you get your card fixed?

AlexCard? Oh.

MerlinShut up your card for buying wine at a museum. You talked about it on the internet.

AlexDid it get fixed? I know. That was a mistake. No, it has not been fixed.

MaxAre we talking about our tweets now? Because Merlin, I have a lot of questions for you. I have a lot of questions. Anything you want to ask. This is about your FAQ. What is the hair? Could you explain your hair? The Harry, Ron, and Hermione. So it's three people on cable news, and you're like 10 points to Gryffindor. What is the joke? Is the joke that you thought that they looked like Harry, Ron, and Hermione all lined up on CNN like that?

MerlinHmm. It was MSNBC. I don't know if it was a joke. It was a situationist observation.

MaxBut you thought that—that was basically that's the observation is these look like the Harry Potter characters.

MerlinI don't think they looked like the Harry Potter characters. I think in a slightly alternate universe, an alien could see that on TV and think that that was a version of our Hogwarts friends.

Because Harry would probably get surgery for the lightning bolt at some point. And he would, in most of the time, wear contacts on TV.

Speaker ABut it didn't make any sense.

MaxHe looks about 15 years younger. I just want you to know. Yeah. Edit this all out. But I just want you to know that I stared when you tweeted that I stared at that picture for 10 minutes. And I was like, what am I missing? And I was looking at the having some kind of an edible. And I and I was like looking at the background and I was like, is there something in here that I missed? Is there a Harry Potter reference in here? And then I was like, and then I was like, why would Merlin have tweeted this? And then you did a whole follow up tweet about how nobody liked it. And you had to get a pity fave from from your special lady friend.

MerlinThat was not what I said. That was that was something that a millennium could infer. no it was more that you know um yeah my wife had pity faved it but it was still a very it was a very funny bit and a smart crowd would have gotten it and by the way if you want to use that card

Alexjust paypal me i saw it and i was like harry potter ha ha ha they look like harry potter

Max10 points or gryffindor would not it's it's a genre of cards against humanity card that we call an interrupter or an interrupting cow and the meaning it does not grammatically interact with the black card it's just sort of a surprising it's a surprising thing to happen and I was like I don't work there or something and well you're not asking I could have taken you oh my god Merlin thing and extended it from my own joke Rose fill of piss and vinegar this morning what did we do we just showed up

MerlinI was here 15 minutes early but um I've got my knife this is this is the one true knife this is the Kershaw you want you hearing that you're hearing how

Maxdecisive that is which is which the Swiss Army one is is the one that I like the

MerlinThe Swiss Army one is bad. Now that is the purportedly, supposedly, official Swiss Army knife of the literal Swiss Army. And it's got that little hole for you to use your thumb to open it up. And then I think I sent you the Kershaw, the silverish one.

AlexYes, that's one that just made me believe.

MerlinThat knife is almost a little too sharp. It almost scares me. It's a little too sharp. Faux show. I got a Japanese tool that my family uses for opening our Amazon boxes. And that's got a blunt end, but a serrated, roughly serrated edge. And it's great for opening boxes. And it's not pokey. It's just Sharpie.

AlexYes. I made my work brother, Tom, put that into our convention budget because we opened a lot of Amazon slash cardboard boxes. And it was great. Thank you for the recommendation.

MaxNow, when I was in college, when I was in, I think it was my freshman year of college, the show Lost came out. and then the first season of lost there's there's this character john lock and there's a big plot point in lost was that he was this this guy who was he well before you knew his whole backstory he was this badass guy and he like he threw a knife at one point into like a piece of luggage and he was the sort of survivalist in the group that was going to like kill a pig and like get help everyone survive and and make it on the island and i was watching that and i was like

I should get a knife and learn how to survive in the woods because, you know.

MerlinThat sounds so much like something I would do while I'm eating potato chips in reclined position.

Speaker AYeah, well, I mean, I should get a knife and learn how to survive in the wild.

MaxJust bong water spilled on my pants. Just crumbs everywhere. Didn't they respect me? Yeah. It was like 50% of my time was trying to figure out how to convert the money on my school card that my parents had given me for textbooks, how to convert that into somehow into marijuana. And then the other half of my time was thinking about like ways to survive in the woods in case, you know, loss happened to me. so i went to uh like bass pro shop or something and i went to the like hunting knife department

and i was like one hunting knife please and i got this um i got this gerber this foldable gerber blade that in reality it's a far worse knife than either of the ones that you sent me but it's it's in that same product category?

MerlinWhen it's opened up about how big is the blade?

MaxI mean, compared to the Kershaw, for example. It's about the same size as the Swiss Army. So what is that, about a three-inch blade? Three or four-inch? Three or four, probably, yeah. Yeah.

MerlinI think the Swiss Army doesn't have a little bit of a serration on it.

MaxYes, yes. And the Gerber, so the Gerber's half serrated and then half stabby at the front. And, you know, it's interesting. I still have that blade, that Gerber knife blade, in my current house, and I keep it nice, and I sharpen it and all of that, and I use it to open, and it lives by the front door, and I use it to open packages. And I was just thinking the other day, I was like, this might be the oldest thing that I own and still use. Oh, that's so interesting. Do you guys have a thing like that where you're like, not that it's like, it's in a scrapbook and it's like, here's a thing I made. No, but you're talking like in production.

It's in the rotation. Yes, yeah.

MerlinI have lots of stuff like that.

MaxGive us some examples.

MerlinWell, I have stuff like that and I'm also kind of, you know, I'm weirdly like nostalgic about it where my lady is not. So we've had the same colander. It might have been the colander that she brought into our relationship in the late 90s. But we've had this old-ass colander that's like a grandma's colander. Colander, sieve. I don't care. Don't email me. But it's a big, like, it's old-timey, like enamel-ish, you know, with holes in it. It looks like something you'd have in a country kitchen in the 80s. And we've had that colander and used it every day. I make pasta for my daughter almost every day with that.

And then finally I capitulated and I got a new one last week from Amazon because the old one was kind of gross.

Speaker Aand uh but i was like we've had this for so long and so i put it on the counter i took away the

Merlinbowl and i put our produce that's usually like limes and lemons and bananas and avocados i put it all in the colander because i thought it looked cute all the produce was back in the bowl and the colander was in the trash and i said you know i'll never forget the day my i opened the trash and there was a pair of really old, disgusting shoes in the trash. And I said aloud across the house, Ma! She said, what? And I said, you threw away your shoes.

Speaker AAnd she said, yeah, they're disgusting and I haven't worn them. I was like, no, you were wearing those the night I met you. Because I'm broken inside. Oh, no, my rocks. Oh, no. So now what I do is now everything that she throws out, I rescue from the trash and I bring it to my office.

AlexWhat is wrong? My God, my dad used to do that.

MaxIt's such a bad habit. I'm such a whore. I would purge and I would fill up contractor bags of just stuff that I was getting rid of. And then my dad at night, like a raccoon, he would go into the trash and he would start pulling stuff out. And I'd come back and there'd be like...

Speaker APlease, my colander.

MaxShe's very sick. And there would be like leavings. And I'd be like, I thought I got rid of this.

Speaker AYeah, right, right.

MerlinLike you're being gaslighted.

MaxYeah.

Speaker AOh, my God.

MerlinYeah, but she's totally sensible. She gets rid of stuff that nobody wants or needs, but I have this ridiculous emotional attachment to. Another dumb one, and then I'll pass back, is when you've got a little kid and you need to wash their hair, usually when they're in the little bastic, especially when they're in the tub and you wash their hair. A bastic of panatos? A bastic of panatos. You get this plastic cup, rubbery cup with a handle on it, and you use that to pour over. My daughter has been washing her own hair for five, six years, but it's still in the shower and I refuse to get rid of it.

And I'm sure it drives my family crazy. It's just full of fungus.

Speaker ANo, I mean, I clean it out.

MaxIt's got to stay nice.

AlexSo the empty shampoo bottle.

MaxIt's been in the shower so long that there's a fungus colony that's using it to wash its children's hair.

MerlinThe suck of the rap. Do you got your knife? Alexandra, do you have anything like that? You're a get ridder of things, aren't you?

AlexI'm a big get ridder of, I think, well, I tried to secretly throw away some of those Funko Pops. And then as it was, then as BMO.

MaxReturn them to their, restore them to their rightful position in the kingdom.

AlexExactly. They all have the same nose. It's really frustrating.

Speaker AWhy do they all have the same nose? It's so cheap.

AlexI, they're just, and I was about to put BMO into the trash. Oh, you're a monster. I couldn't do it. I couldn't do it. And I thought, oh, I was, I'm like the rest of the Simpson family where the, when Marge throws out the entire attic and I was like, oh my God, if I threw this away, I would be chasing the garbage truck down the thing. But wait, wait, wait, uh, not sure. Not sure. Mm-mm. I do also have my original iPad mini, well, iPad mini, just because it was, uh, it was

the first like ios product that i had when i met my partner maddie which is so unhealthy uh no i'm

Maxsorry my first ipad when you got an ipad your first one was the mini uh yes me too actually yes when those came out i thought the mini is the right is the it was a terrific device i thought i thought that's maybe you know i wonder if both alex and i got the mini because you recommended

Merlinit merlin did you recommend the mini at some point i was the mini was i don't know if that's true but it was definitely my go-to for a long time and i mean i feel like today almost along the lines of kind of like the sc like i know this is not going to happen because apple sucks now and they don't do anything cool but like it would be so neat to have like a crazy high resolution mini that's totally tricked out you know it's such a great size my wife has the giant ipad pro i have the 9 and the 10 the smaller ones uh but like man that thing was so great for just like you did not

notice it in your bag full stop it just you didn't feel it it was so light i had the apple the ipad

Maxmini with the with the flippy leather cover and it went all over the world with me for years and i think what happened is because when i came down to replace it i think the mini was still in the line but i did go to the the the normal sized ipad and i've stuck with it ever since and i think what happened was the iphone got bigger and it and so now it's like in a pinch i the iphone screen the iphone 10 is big enough that i can read a kindle book on it and i don't feel like a total

Merlinpiece of shit. Yeah. Comics were a big factor for me because I got way back into comics and comiXology when I had the mini and it's just not as fun. It's not as fun to read. I mean, it's okay to zoom in, but there is something amazing about, I have to say about reading comics

Maxon the full size iPad Pro. And then the other thing is the functionality of what you could do on the iPad has expanded so greatly that I really appreciate the larger... It's easy to forget how

Merlinmuch that thing has grown because it's fairly glacial in terms of development, but I feel like My 10 and a half inch iPad Pro is easily one of my favorite Apple things I've ever owned, ever, ever.

MaxBut I now use, because of the various things you can do on the iPad, I use so much more screen real estate on the iPad. I mean, I usually am doing split screen and I have the little video playing. It's like I'm just going to town on that iPad and I'm really using every square millimeter of that screen space. And I think I would miss it if I went to the mini.

MerlinI mostly run down the power on two iPads in a day. Wow. Because I will, especially if I'm at home, I want to have a day called my Thursday. Usually Thursday is my Thursday. Thursday is my day when I accomplish many things. I do lots of power puttering. I do lots of turbo tidying. I have a lot of, you don't need to know this about me, but it's a day when I do lots of stuff. And one of the things I'll do is I will just leave it sometimes plugged in, but often I'll just have MSNBC running on it. And I'll walk around with the Plantronic headphones, which have impossibly long range. I don't know if you guys have this. Do you have those?

AlexNo, I have the AirPods.

Merlinwell the plantronic ones that marco recommended are they sound fantastic for what they are and you can really walk around but i'll just have msnbc running kind of in the background and then i might be using a another ipad because i'm a rich white guy um but uh yeah yeah i agree with

Maxyou max there's so many remember that remember that article with the guy with the ceo who's like i've got my day iphone and my night iphone and i'm so busy i need to switch i i think he sounded

Merlinlike a douche but like i think having like i still know he what it sounded it sounded totally normal and it was i i've gotten very close to dan i mean it was bad you know don't you think kind of bad

Alextiming in terms of like the privilege thing well no this was a pre-checking privilege oh maybe this was like what what hashtag triggered it interesting well like okay so if i say to you i have two apple

Merlinwatches i sound like a real douche it's douchey enough to have one apple watch but i don't have two series three watches i have a series three and i got my old whatever series two and it's great it means i can wear a watch around when the other one's charging and then i flip it back on and it's like to me that's sensible it doesn't make me any less of a douche to stop using something and put it in a drawer like i'm glad it's still in use and you know i mean i don't know i use these things enough that i feel like they earn every nickel that i spent on them way more than than on some services and stuff i mean you know what i mean like there's some things you end up paying for

through subscriptions that are not nearly as valuable as this piece of hardware that does

Alexlike so so much there was a piece i think in wired that i really liked about like the death of this guy's first ipad because you can just you just use them and use them and use them and i've never had an ipad die whereas i constantly kill off my iphones not by the infamous crack and drop that happened but the the logic board just uh i run it run it too hard and it it just kaputs my daughter

Merlinbeats the crap out of this old um not old but by by today's standards older uh ipad air 2 and it's a champ it just works great the battery i mean like i finally convinced her to please please please please just turn down the brightness just a little bit because you that i feel like is the source of battery loss uh but it's it still works great there's nothing it can't do i mean she doesn't need to do split screen she doesn't need the pencils she just wants to play minecraft and

Maxit works great for that so i got up uh one of the new kindles the new new newest the newest showcase kindle yeah i got my lady that one for christmas and it's uh okay so i got it because the main feature is that it advertises that it's waterproof alex you have one too right i'm pulling

Alexit out of uh something right now don't want to spoil the challenge is that the newest newest one

Maxyes is it okay so it's waterproof and i got really excited about that because i take a bath with my Kindle all the time and I've run through a couple of the Kindle paper whites because I got like steam under the screen basically. But on mine I'm getting like a bubbling and the screen is the back plate is separating off of the front plate and there's a little hairline gap in the like where it's supposed to meet and I'm worried that that means it's not waterproof anymore. What do I do?

AlexIs that Kindle water resistant? No, no, no. I believe it it's advertised, if you go on Amazon, there's an attractive lady in a hot tub overlooking a beach. It's got little beads of water on it,

Speaker Awhich is how you know that it can go.

MaxI love Sylvia Plath.

Speaker AYou can tell I love poems because I put them on my body.

MaxYeah. It's water and oven proof.

AlexOh, my God.

MaxAnyway, it's got beads of... Oh, my God, wait a minute. That was funny. That's a Ted Hughes joke. That was good. You get a ding for that. Thank you. Okay, you're forgiven for not the game.

AlexI thought that was an original joke, Max made. Thanks for ruining it.

MerlinMine always was, Sylvia, what's for dinner?

Speaker AYou do not do, you do not do, brown shoe.

MaxAnyway, it's got- That's my Sylvia Black impersonation. you know that you know that if you see a product and it's got little beads of water on it that it's either waterproof or refreshing that's true that's true that's true so it's like man have we talked about this if i'm driving down the highway and i see an ad for diet coke or coca-cola and there's beads of water on it a cold glass of coke with beads of water on it i'm a fucking i'm just

an animal at that point like i just like something in my brain that switch flips my brain i'm like i I cannot think about anything. Like, my life cannot proceed until I get a cold Coca-Cola. Like, it's just Pavlovian conditioning. That's for sure. If I see the dew on the glass, like, fuck everything.

MerlinThat's so interesting because, okay, do you guys get this? Oh, I got a lot to say about my movie theater. I'm so fucking mad. Do you ever get the ad before movies, they have lots of Coke ads? Do you get lots of Coke ads? It might be AMC, it might be Cinemark.

MaxYeah, there's a vaguely disturbing, carnival-esque CGI, like Circus Maximus, where there's like a talking hot dog that's ripped apart by the crowd.

MerlinThere's the one though where like, oh, look, it's a big Coke being poured.

AlexWell, what theater is this? I'm thinking of the like red emojis that don't really have faces. They just have various glasses and a mouth.

MaxIt's a very like persecution of the Christians thing at the theater that I go to because I feel like there's like, I feel like there's all these like popcorn where his head explodes and they're impaling the Christians and feeding them with a lion.

MerlinI like that style of advertising. It's very troubling to me. But there's the one that's right, it's usually the one right before, it's the typical let's all go to the lobby, but in this case, it's right before the previews roll, and it's like, blip, blip, blip, blip, ice cubes drop on the screen, and then a big Coke is poured, and I find it very upsetting. I don't like it at all. I don't like the big, you're living in a glass of Coke. That one I don't like at all, and then pop, pop, pop, pop, pop, popcorn.

MaxWell, what fantasy is that? What message is that to the consumer of like, hey, don't you wish you were inside the Coca-Cola? Oh, you're a bad popcorn boy. No, it would be sticky and cold. Like, I want to drink it, but I don't want to be inside of it.

Speaker APeople have very confused ideas about why we consume things. Ooh, I want to be the pork loin.

MaxHey, speaking of movie theaters, can I plug something real quick to the

MerlinYou can, and then I want to bitch about the no backpack policy at Cinemark.

MaxOkay, so we have our final Cards Against Humanity late night writer's room live show at the Greenhouse Theater in Chicago. go we're gonna keep doing the show but it's gonna we're gonna take some time off and it's gonna move to this is the thing this Friday it is this Friday this is so exciting Max yeah I'm very excited about it so we we scheduled the show is very very good and most comedy shows I think are bad but ours is great and agreed it's very very funny and we foolishly scheduled the show like

months ago and it happens to be the opening weekend of the the opening night of the Avengers and we are really having a hell of a time selling this show. We usually sell the greenhouse theater out, but we just cannot get this done. So we actually went ahead and bought out a movie theater at the Logan Theater. So we have an entire movie theater where here's what's gonna happen. If you come see the Cards Late Night Writers Room show, we're all gonna, we're gonna watch the show. We're gonna have a great time. And then we're all gonna go to the Logan Theater and we're gonna go to a private showing of the Avengers and we're all gonna watch it together.

Like Andy Kaufman, okay?

Speaker ASo fuck you.

MaxFuck you, Marvel. You won. I hope you're happy. We bought out a theater. So please just come see our goddamn comedy show, and we will take you on us for free. We will take you to see a private showing of The Avengers, and you can come watch it with us, but just please come to our comedy show, and you can go to, I believe it's cardsagainsthumanity.com slash Chicago to find out where to get tickets to that show. And it's going to be a really good show, and we're all going to watch The Avengers together. So just please come. Please. cardsagainsthumanity.com slash Chicago.

AlexChicago.

MaxUse the offer code Gary the Time Guy.

AlexNo. Hey, Gerald.

Speaker AI mean, the best way to get free movies is to go see comedies about Gerald. Hey. Oh, wait, wait. Give it a little brother watches right sometimes.

I want five watches.

MaxGary, put it in your bag. My tip of the week is to have two Apple Watches. A lot is charging.

AlexWe're the other one on your list. If you're a fan of the official Dubai Friday artist, Kevin Budnick, He's also going to be one of the co-hosts. So yay. Why would you mention that, Alex? Why not? Because a lot of people come to her. I don't know. I was just really stressed out.

MerlinYou just did a mental pivot that's going to confuse our audience for a few weeks.

MaxAnyway. I'm bleeding all over her.

MerlinYou come out and see some Avengers and there's people and the blue things are coming from their hands. It's all very exciting. Anyway. Come for the comedy. Stay for the blue hands.

MaxPlease come to the card show. I think that's all. That's all we have to promote this week. And go to giveusyourfuckingmoney.com to become a premium subscriber on the Dubai Friday Patreon.

Speaker AWe do a whole second show every week.

Maxsecond episode. You should come. I know. Now, I think most podcasts are shit, but ours is great.

MerlinHow many sucks? How many is bad? Did you see the McElroys are leaving the Polygon? They've been a little checked

Maxout of the Polygon stuff for a while, I think. I was not surprised.

MerlinHow do you know these things?

MaxWell, I know them, but I know the... Oh, wow.

AlexWell, just reading Polygon.

MaxHow do you meet people? It's so hard. It's impossible. What are you supposed to say to them? How could you ever make a friend? I have social anxiety. I don't want to get too near them. How could you ever make a friend, Merlin? It's not possible. What are you supposed to say? Hi, I want to be your friend.

Speaker AHey, it's me, Gerald. You get more time to wind your watch when you don't have friends, Gerald.

MaxI love Gerald so much. All right. Oh, God. Well, what am I? You're supposed to go out there and become friends with Jonathan Colton? It's impossible.

MerlinI bought a ticket to Isle of Dogs on the internet. It was on my phone. I showed up at my local cinema. And as soon as I walked in the door, before I could even put my thing in the scanner, the lady goes, I'm sorry, we have a new policy for security. We do not allow any backpacks in the theater.

MaxBecause they don't want you to shoot it up. What if you have a gun in there? Yeah, it's a security issue. I mean, I've always said that the best solution for guns is to ban backpacks.

Speaker AOr make them clear. That's much more efficient. I call it the price of freedom.

MerlinAnd so, you know, trying to avoid being that particular guy, you sent me live photos of Alex's hand.

AlexOh, no, that was me.

MerlinOh, so I could see your balls.

AlexI didn't want to. Yeah, I know. They're just hanging out there.

MerlinYou've got to turn that off. And so without trying to be that particular guy, I said, okay, I realize this is not your personal policy, but this is a big city where people take public transit and come from work and home and places. And everybody has a backpack. I said, you can look at my backpack. I'm not trying to smuggle anything in. I'm about to go spend $30 at the concessions. And just so you know, I'm coming in with a backpack. She said, I'm sorry, I can't. I said, okay, just give me a refund.

I didn't even do the whole, like, alas, open letter. I was just like, okay, fine, give me a refund. And then she's like, well, I can't. I was like, you know, forget about it. Just wrote the ticket. I'll see you later. And she's like, you can come in. You can come in this one time. And I was like, I appreciate that. Thank you very much. But it made me mad. That's frustrating to me. It's so provincial. Were you alone? Were you with your child? You were alone. Yeah, and I had the butt of a gun sticking out.

MaxI mean, I think a middle-aged white guy alone going into a movie theater with a backpack is a little bit suspicious. Because I would say that either you're going to shoot up the theater or kidnap a child.

MerlinOh, that's why I have such a big backpack. I should get one of those Synapse 19. You can only fit a very small child.

MaxBut I'm just saying, Merlin, I would be very concerned if I saw a middle-aged white guy with a backpack walking towards me, I'd walk on the other side of the street. White guys with backpacks are San Francisco.

MerlinThat's the whole city.

MaxWere you riding one of those little Sparrow scooters in? I'll just leave it anywhere.

MerlinBoy, that really gives a bad name to the other Scoot Scoot people, doesn't it? They're bringing it. Apparently it happened. So what we're talking about here is these like apparently like three different companies. My wife knows more about this than I do. It's a huge fucking issue in San Francisco. I did not know about this until like a week or two ago where they said finally, okay, there's these three companies and here's their business model. You get an electric Scoot Scoot and you leave it fucking wherever. And I guess they come and clean it up for you. You're busy with your work. They're bringing these. My wife works over by the ballpark, and she said it is a menace.

She says there are scooters everywhere. People just leave them on the sidewalk. There's just scooters.

MaxThere's like razor scooters with engines everywhere.

AlexOh, my God.

MaxI think that they – so they're coming to Chicago, and they've already been spotted in Chicago. And I think if I start seeing them, I'm going to put them in the back of my trunk. And now if you move it and you're not paying for it, it starts to like yell at you. It's like, put me down immediately or I'll call the police. Yeah, you posted a video of that.

MerlinYou retweeted the video.

MaxUnhand me immediately or I will call the police. And like, I really just- Put me down.

MerlinI'll call the police.

MaxI sincerely doubt that these things have the capability to call the police. But my plan is I'm going to start scooping them up into the trunk of my car and then I'm going to throw them in the lake.

Speaker AWho's the 51-year-old man now? Go recover. That's mine now. That's mine now you left it on the sidewalk.

MaxRecover your scooter now, bitch.

MerlinWell, my college, my college was, um, uh, they had, there was a rash of bike thefts because it's a college campus and people will just like walk onto campus and the first time they see an unlocked bike, they'll take it and drive away. Right. And the police were very frustrated by this. They were tired of expending resources on it. So their new policy became, they impounded every bike that wasn't locked on campus.

Maxwhich is so fucking stupid approach to law enforcement to me i had a very i had a really early lesson in life in working in institutions around a similar line that that just reminded me of which was we had a similar problem at our college of um of bike theft and there was a scourge of bike theft and what would happen is like basically i i always speculated that it was not even thievery that it was just people needed to get to one place and they would just take a bike and ride it and so as a response a couple of students that i was friends with started this this bike share program and they're like let's buy 50 free bicycles for the college and put

docking stations you know bike racks for them no you make it like dutch you just need a bike take a bike right and that way it's like you're not going to steal some guy's bike you'll just have a bike if you need one right and the school would not approve it we couldn't get it done because this the all the leadership of the school was like wow they'll just be stolen like the other bikes and i was like you fucking idiots like like that's why nothing like that is such a that is

Merlinsuch a i'm going to use your term like a late capitalist like materialist dumb idea of how the world works. I know. It was very frustrating. It reminds me a little bit of people who have a beef about homelessness. And then there are so many ways, depending on how you frame the problem, there are so many ways to quote-unquote solve homelessness that to a solution will never work on their own, but they will work in terms of if your basic solution is, I don't like seeing homeless people, you can just hustle homeless people away. If you say, go give people money,

well, that's one solution, but it doesn't solve the myriad reasons that people don't have housing. You know what I'm saying?

MaxThis isn't a mystery. We actually know what the solution to homelessness is, which is you give people homes. That's a big turns out.

MerlinBecause didn't it turn out that if you gave somebody a place to live, it was actually cheaper than the social services involved in helping a homeless person?

MaxNot only cheaper, but more long-lasting and more effective. And it completely helped them turn around their life. And it's been shown time and time again in cities that are willing to try it. But so the real problem with homelessness, like if you're trying to figure out, like, well, what's the problem with homelessness? It's not like, what do we do with these people? It's like, why is the government unwilling to do the thing that we know that works? Homelessness is a reflection of the problem with us, which is that we're not willing to solve the—we're not willing to give people a home.

MerlinPartially true. Partially true. But it's also—I mean, in terms of somebody who does not want to be homeless and would like a place to live, that's absolutely true. Then there's the other giant part of there's the problems with mental health and drug and abuse issues. And then there's just some people who have never not been homeless, and the idea of being anywhere, like a shelter or whatever, freaks them out, and they don't want to be anywhere but the street. It's not going to – but there's no single swipe of the sword that's going to solve this problem in a way that makes, quote-unquote, homelessness go away. And I think it's the people feeling daunted by that lack of a single solution that makes them settle for these half-assed measures that involve, like, these Giuliani measures of, like, just sweeping people out of the area.

MaxWell, I mean, I just I I from everything I've read, there is a single sweep of the sword that would solve homelessness, which is you give people free homes. But unless they don't want a home.

AlexWell, even that it's part of the homeless.

MaxIn your in your little in your little mind palace that you've constructed here. What percentage of homeless people, if you offer them a free home, would not want?

MerlinI don't know the answer to that. But here's what I do know is I thought I really understood this problem. and I remember hearing a really, really fascinating roundtable one morning on a local public radio show where they talk to people who are homeless advocates, people who are really deep in the trenches on this stuff and are sometimes, yeah, sometimes they're the people saying, you know, it's really less costly to give, it's less costly and troubling to give people actual houses. I know that's a radical solution. That's definitely something they're saying. That'll fix part of the problem.

MaxIf you're a listener of this program and you're a homeless person and you don't want a free home, tweet at Hot Dogs Ladies and identify yourself and we'll just do a little straw poll.

AlexNo, you guys, I feel like, are thinking of this in a different way.

MerlinThat's funny, but you're not hearing my point. Yeah. You have to, there is a big part of the homelessness, quote unquote, problem that bugs people are people who are not, they can be medicated and everything is okay for a while. But people with schizophrenia, not so much bipolar, I think there's a lot of schizophrenia and there's a lot of drug abuse. There's a lot of like physical abuse that's happened to these people and they're real fucking troubled. And there was a case that was going on for a while in the Castro of this guy who would sleep in a doorway every night. And every time the cops would come to basically hustle him away because he was a known problem, he would throw blood and feces at them.

And then he would basically bleed, cut himself, and throw poop at them. And at that point, it becomes a biohazard. And so basically, for that one guy, it was costing $10,000 a month for one guy in the Castro to sleep in a doorway. And so what do you say? You're going to give that guy a free house? okay what free house are you going to give that guy how are you going to get him treated and that's an extreme example but it's not that extreme and it's not at all you don't have powell street station like we do but if you ever come to san francisco and walk through powell street station at 10 a.m on a sunday it's going to be really fucking eye-opening about how many people are

Maxclear-eyed about where they want to live well it's a fucking the homeless problem in san francisco is very different than in chicago i'll say and like what's the thing in in san francisco i mean not

MerlinWe've been getting to the whole unavailability of, like, most of our teachers live in other counties. Like, we're not even getting near that. The principal of my kid's school lives in the East Bay.

MaxWhat's the thing in San Francisco where it's, like, from 60s folk songs? It's like a cliche, but it's like, what is the play? It's like, is it, like, do you know what I'm talking about? No. Oh, shit. Maybe it's in L.A. And it's where the homeless people go. Fuck. Oh, the panhandle? The panhandle. Is that it? Yeah.

MerlinThe panhandle of Golden Gate Park is this area that comes into the beginning of the Haight-Ashbury. That sounds right. Yeah. The panhandle. And there's a McDonald's there that's like unbelievable. Yeah. Right. And that's where you get the term panhandler, right? Well, no. That's good. I like that. I thought that was a state thing. No, I think it's something else. But yeah, yeah. It's real rough. It's real rough. And it's a lot of very young, what we once might have called like skate rats. It's a lot of very young kids, and it's pretty wild.

There's a lot of violence.

AlexWell, that's the thing. The people who are going to be swept up, they don't want to be swept up. They are not going to go into homes. That's probably 5% of the homeless population. Most people who are homeless, you would never know because they're just folks who happen to not have homes. And they go to shelters, and then they find a shower, and they go to work. Those are the people who want homes. The people who are living under bridges, like Merlin said, they, they, you, you, you can't, it's, and it might be that it's, there's homes, but there's also hospitals.

Like, it's a really hard problem.

MerlinThey do not want to be in any system.

AlexExactly. And I it's it's a weird line to cross because it's like, do you force someone into an I hate to use the word institution, but it's hard enough to get people who have sane, supportive families into a hospital. So how are you going to do that to someone who disappears around the city every day?

MaxI think you guys are miss possibly not thinking correctly of the scope of the homelessness problem in America. I mean, yes. Are there? We're not or you're not?

MerlinNo, you sound like a Dickens character who thinks that all we have to do is open some doors.

MaxWell, I don't think that social, like decades of social science research thinks that. But all I'm saying is like you guys are thinking of like crazy people who like live on the street and need like tons of mental health assistance. I'm thinking of the huge number of Americans that don't. Like people who live in their car. That do not have a place to live. Exactly. We are agreeing on that. People who live in their car and like shower at the Y or something. Or they have a million variety of creative solutions of how to get by. But I'm not thinking of the guy who throws feces at the police and sleeps in a doorway.

I actually think if you want to talk about the scope of the homelessness problem in America, that is a very – that's an outlier. That is not representative of –

MerlinIt's not an outlier. Well, I see what you're saying. In terms of the raw tonnage of invisible homelessness. Correct. Yeah, okay. I'll come to that. I have a different viewport just because of what this city is like. Sure.

AlexIt varies from city to city. Like, there aren't-

MaxWell, and then you've got those guys asking for money off the side of the highway, and they make $60,000 a year. So what are you going to give them a free house? Yeah. I should put my job. Yeah. No, by the way, the place I was trying to remember, it's in downtown Los Angeles. It's like east of Main Street, and there's a place where there's tons of homeless people. And I remember driving or walking by there with someone. I was like, what is up with this? And they're like, oh, that's Skid Row. And I was like, no, but what do you mean? And they're like, no, no, that's the Skid Row.

AlexWow.

MaxYeah. That's a real place. That's not a saying. That's like a place in Los Angeles.

AlexOh, man.

MerlinOh, yeah, yeah. It's for sure a real place.

Max5,000 to 8,000 homeless people live there in Los Angeles.

Speaker AYes.

MaxAnd listen, I'm sure all those people need – there's a variety of ways that they need help. I think we're kind of talking around the same thing. I agree with you.

MerlinWhat you're saying is like people who – I think part of the invisibility – like, for example, there's a street. There's so much folk wisdom that you learn when you live somewhere and when you're getting by somewhere. There's a street. There's a cross street near my house where they very rarely ticket even for small campers. And for years and years and years, it was a place where as soon as the street cleaners had come through, people would just go. And that's where they lived for five days or seven days. And they would just put their camper there.

And you see them come in and out, empty in bottles. And like, but that's, that was a place where like, so that I'm describing that here as being like kind of a stage. It's not the same as having a single family house that you bought with your, with your army money.

You go down from that to apartments, you get down to SROs, right? So like, if you go to the area here called the Tenderloin, there's a lot of SROs where that's basically like, it's like a hobo hotel. Like people go and like, just it's a night to night in some cases, or sometimes month to month. You go down from that and that you, there are a lot of people who live in a car. I think probably in some place like L.A., I think that's really like a thing. So I think when you're talking about that, Max, I mean, I totally agree. I mean, if there was a system for making it easy for people to transition, I think they would do that.

I think part of it is – and I can't speak for this because I know I don't care for systems myself. But I think a lot of those folks, even the ones who are COPUS, are like not – they're so scared of those systems and how close they are to like being disappeared into some kind of a system.

MaxI don't know. I think that's more – I think that's a movie character that you're talking about and not a real – I mean if you think there's – so if you look at – think of 8,000 people on Skid Row in Los Angeles. And let's just say that the city had a program where they – whatever. It's just magical. They have 8,000 homes and they're going to give one for free.

MerlinLet's say the eminent domain, something that could have become an ace hotel and instead turn it into a place where people have a safe room to sleep in.

MaxRight. And they go to all 8,000 people and like, hey, here's a home. I'm not even thinking of like a hotel situation. I'm thinking of a house, right? So you have some – it's yours. It's a house. There's places in Chicago that do this. They just give homes to homeless people. And they, in that way, they solve the homelessness problem. Now, would some of those 8,000 people not do it? And would they be like, not, they're not constitutionally able to sort of understand what's happening and take the house or whatever? Yeah. But what percentage are we talking about? A hundred people. And for the other 7,900, you completely obviate their, their, their, their quote unquote problem

of homelessness. And yeah, do all those do many of those people have complicated mental health and and and health problems and social problems and all that? Yeah, of course. They don't have a fucking house to live in. I would do. I'd be I would be I would have ringworm and I'd be going out of my mind. Like, of course. Yeah. You don't have a house. Think of how important a house is.

AlexI think you guys are both agreeing. You are. You guys are totally agreeing.

MerlinYeah. I mean, I'm not trying to be contradictory at all. I just think you're also misapprehending how complete someone needs to feel like a solution is. It's because there are a lot of people who are going to say, let's even take your crazy number, which I think is a little bit overdone. But let's even say 170. I'll have you know I read it briefly on Wikipedia just now. So those hundred people, those hundred people that are that are still out there that are in Powell Street Station or are in the doorway of your business that you pay, you know, $10,000 a month for.

Like that still is the visible face of this hasn't been fixed. And there's not enough goodness in people's hearts to say the 7,900 are being taken care of. I don't think because they're still seeing the thing that feels like the giant problem, which is the ongoing Godspeed you, Black Emperor song that is downtown San Francisco right now.

MaxAnd I completely agree with that. And to me, that's the thing of like, well, we can't have bikes or people because they'll steal them.

MerlinIt's like, you know, it's like following Horace Simcoe much. Yeah. His stuff about bikes is fucking fascinating to me. I love his pivot to talking about car. I mean, I'm sorry. I get email about this, but I love his pivot to talking about options that aren't cars. And it's so goddamn fascinating. Oh, challenge, challenge, challenge. He posts so much stuff that's basically about like, well, here's a bunch of numbers, you know, here's some numbers and graphs for sure. But then here's a bunch of anecdotal stuff and here's some photographs and here's some,

here's what happens when we change the way red lights work. The entire, his entire comprehensive approach to like, like letting cars run the town in a 1949 kind of way. It's just not sustainable for a human city.

AlexAnd the way he puts the data together, it makes a big dummy like me understand it and feel motivated to do something about it. It's so interesting.

MerlinJust even things like there's that one he sometimes posts. It's about the market share and efficiency of things all the way from walking to a jet. And I don't know. I think it's mostly only I don't follow him, but I catch it sometimes in Twitter moments. And I just think it's really fascinating. I'm with you, Max. Are you the one who said this? probably somebody famous said this, that if the aliens came here and looked down at any, you know, large city in America, it would look like it had been designed by and for cars.

MaxOh, I think that was famous podcast host Max Temkin.

Speaker AOh, that's right. I love that guy. You know what I love about that guy? His patented rants. That's my favorite.

MaxI had a couple of funny news stories. You guys want to talk about some funny news stories? This is from the Washington Post. You guys remember there was the D.C. lawmaker who said that Jews control the weather?

Speaker AJews control the weather.

MaxWait, how long ago was this? It was a D.C. council member, Treyon White Sr. from the 8th Ward in D.C.

MerlinHe figured out a canny way to rehabilitate his reputation.

MaxYeah, that's right. So he went to the National Holocaust Museum and had some very choice quotes. The Washington Post was there. And they have some amazing quotes from him. So the guy who said that the Jews control the weather, they had some great quotes from him going through the Holocaust Museum. So in this one, he's looking at a photo exhibit. The photo taken in 1935 depicts a woman in a dark dress shuffling down a street in northern Germany. A large sign hangs from her neck. Quote, I am a German girl and allowed myself to be defiled by a Jew. Unquote. She is surrounded by Nazi stormtroopers.

D.C. Councilmember Treon White Sr. studied the image. Quote, are they protecting her? lynn williams an expert on educational programs at the u.s holocaust museum and white's tour guide for the day stared at the photo no she said they are marching her through marching through is protecting white said i think they're humiliating her williams said do you think he actually thought

Merlinthat i do the concern surged after the washington what level of dumb are we addressing here did he actually look at that and think oh look at they're helping that that nice german lady or was he was Was he trying to cover his tracks?

MaxI could not tell. I mean, I think it was a publicity thing, and he was trying to, maybe even trying to earnestly—

MerlinBecause he was in the midst of doubling down on the, like, no, you misunderstand me. I'm just saying Jews control the weather. It's nothing crazy. I'm not a nut.

MaxI'm not an incel. Oh, Max. The museum allows photos for personal use, and the council member and his aides took many. As Williams explained the workings of the Nazi pseudoscientific race propaganda, White held up his cell phone before a poster with images of black, Native American, and Australian men titled, Rassen der Erde, Races of the Earth. An aide took a shot of a pile of Torahs desecrated on Kristallnacht. The group paused before grainy photos of German troops executing Catholic clergy in Poland by firing squad.

Quart, were they actually manufacturing these weapons, White asked? Moments later, White was nowhere to be seen. The rabbi texted him to, the rabbi was with the tour, texted him to ask about his whereabouts, and White wrote back that he hoped to see her outside the museum, but he had to leave soon for an event in Ward 8. The tour, scheduled past 90 minutes, was halfway done. Seven of White's staff stayed with the guide, who was then showing them an exhibit of the Warsaw Ghetto. As she explained, the wailing in front of Polish Jews, one aide asked whether it was similar to a, quote, gated community.

Yeah, I wouldn't call it a gated community, she said, more like a prison. And then there's one more great detail.

MerlinVery bad.

MaxThe tour over, the rabbi praised White for being, quote, very sincere in wanting to come here, but she was perplexed by his abrupt exit. I do not know what happened. I find it confusing, she said. White, it turned out, was standing alone on the sidewalk outside the museum. Quote, I'll be coming back to see more of the museum. I didn't get a chance to see the whole thing, he said. But I think it's a lot of education here, a lot of synergy here between what happened in the Jewish community and the African community. asked why he left the tour halfway and where he went he said nothing and held his cell phone to his ear definitely talking on the phone hello hello person on the phone call merlin that that

really you really pioneered the technology you just hold your wallet up to your face hello what oh hang on hang on i'll take this yeah

Speaker Athe chains are so little for the kids

Merlinno it's not I know I wouldn't I wouldn't get on an eastbound train either what no eastbound train train is going I literally can't hear anything or anything you're saying.

Speaker AAll aboard. Anyways. Not good.

MerlinNot good. Not good, very bad Fuck. We saw Bert and Ernie when we were there

Speaker AAt the Holocaust Museum

AlexWhat's that?

Speaker AAt the Holocaust Museum

AlexI mean they are gay

Speaker AHe changed his name from Ernie Wits

AlexThey have little pink triangles Oh Rubber Ducky

Speaker AJoy of Joy

MaxYou make noise

Speaker Adon't put make track in me

Maxwell Ernie you've really done it this time you're a bad bad puppet you're a dirty little puppet

Alexdig dug Max you had an interesting visit with a book man the other day

Maxbook man

Alexwhat are you talking about Comey whose first name I learned was James

MaxJames Comey right oh yeah yeah I went to see James Comey speak did you want him to smash your pussy oh I was hoping he'd hit those back walls I don't know he's so tall I mean why did I go my god he's so fucking honorable I got a call at the last minute and someone offered me like a VIP ticket to go see Comey at this book talk he was doing and um i don't know um i don't know why i went i number one i just wanted to see how tall he was

and two i don't know i just wanted to see what he was like in person in the audience i just don't know i was just curious i thought maybe there'd be a funny story for dubai friday but there really wasn't i mean he just the man you know i i honestly he was a good i found him to be a really good public speaker he was very comfortable in front of the crowd he's very well spoken he's pretty funny he he got um plenty of laughs and um he one of the most interesting things he talked about was uh he his book he he fancies himself like a leadership guy and uh he has a lot of like leader values-based leadership kind of um tim ferrisy bullshit in this book and he wanted to

write a business book but he knew he had to talk about you know how big trump's hands were or whatever so it's it's a it's a business book but with but autobiographical i haven't read the book i just heard him talk about it and uh i don't know he one of the interesting things he talked about is he said, you know, he had a great story of when he was briefing Obama with the national security director and a bunch of other people on the dossier, the Trump dossier. Obama was like, so we're going to probably have to brief the president-elect on this, meaning Trump. And the national security director spoke up and said, oh, well, I think this is a

director, a perfect role for director Comey because he has good personal skills and, you know, he's familiar with the material and all that. And he just was throwing the guy under the bus. And I guess it was kind of a tense moment, but then Obama like looked over at Comey and just sort of like wiggled his eyebrows at him. And it was, and then it was funny and sort of let the tension out. And Comey was very, a lot of praise for Obama. And he talked about how Obama used humor in, in leadership. But he was like, you know, an interesting thing about Trump is that the man's never told a joke and I've never seen him laugh. So it's just, you know, it's, it was an interesting, I,

you know, I, we've talked about that in this program, but it is an interesting contrast. contrast you know that you're that he is he put it if he if you don't ever laugh that you maybe you're lacking a certain confidence or something like that yeah yeah it's something a number of

Alexthen i just exude confidence like i don't know if you know laughter in some ways i mean if you're

Merlinsomebody who's i mean i think we all try to find some way to be able to laugh at our foibles because but that requires an awareness for your of your foibles at least as you understand them and the ability to kind of own up to them and the fact that like it makes you a little bit human that you're weird in this way and i mean we're not all great at that all the time about all the things everybody's touchy about some stuff but i think i think that's a that's what's a really interesting observation is he has this really he does that i don't even want to call it a smile he does this

thing that's almost a grimace where he just pulls his mouth very far back with slight curves on the sides which is it's really chilling but he does not he does not laugh he looks like venom anything

Alexoh god oh oh no you're right venom in the new trailer no he kind of does i've just put in notes

Merlinum i've enjoyed hearing him talk i mean i i think he's an interesting character i think i think one thing to point out about him this is not a criticism but just a note is that just because simply because he is low-key and open in many ways um doesn't mean it's not a brand i think I think he's very, if you've heard, I've heard many, many interviews with him in the last couple weeks. You're talking about Comey. Yeah, yeah. And I think he's very, I think he's very on brand. And when you, this happened with the guy who did that mindfulness book a while back, where when you listen to enough interviews with somebody talking about their book, you get to hear their kind of like what they know over their laugh lines and they know stuff like that.

Not because I want to see a gotcha, but just because it's an interesting contrast. There have been some interviews that are better than others at kind of pushing past the stock answer for how he handled things. And for that, one, I really recommend a longer than usual episode of Michael Barbaro's The Daily from Friday, April 20th was a very good interview. You could tell that.

AlexWell, what was weird is he wasn't exactly digging, like pushing too hard for questions, but he wasn't.

MerlinHe's very gentle about it, but he would not settle for what Comey clearly thought was the answer.

AlexIt was very weird. in a good way. Yeah.

MaxWe were right in the VIP, right in the front, like front four or five rows, right in the VIP section. In the splash zone. In the Gallagher splash zone in this huge auditorium. And I thought, you know, if there's any chance that they're going to do audience questions, I might jump up and ask a question, which is not really my style. Like if we go to like panels or whatever. What does a federal prosecutor do? What does a federal prosecutor? Right, exactly. What does the FBI director do? But I had a great, I composed this whole question in my mind and I was sat by the aisle even so I could get out to where I thought they'd put the microphone out. The question I was going to ask him is,

you know, Mr. Comey, we've heard that, you know, you released the info on the Hillary investigation a week before the election, and then if you could go back, you wouldn't do it any other way because it was the least bad option. But a lot of people have criticized you for not, you know, that you did that with the logic of informing the American voters, but a lot of people have criticized you for not also releasing the information at the same time that the Trump campaign was also under FBI investigation for different issues. So the American voters did go to the polls and they weren't well educated. So my question to you is, how tall are you?

Speaker AOh my God. Can I get a picture next to you? Yeah. Can I give you a hug?

MaxYou look like a baby. Can I put my hand up to yours just for reference so that I could tell? Oh my God, your hand is really big. Yeah. He's a huge man. He is fucking enormous.

MerlinHe is bigger than you even think. Like when you see him walking down a hallway, he is half a person taller than everyone next to him.

MaxIt's startled. I mean, it was amazing. He's a large man. When he came out, he didn't speak at the podium because it wouldn't have done anything for him. It would have been like me standing in front of an Ottoman.

I have some prepared remarks. He just sort of stood in front of the crowd.

Speaker AIt would be so cute if you'd talk in front of him.

MaxBut there were these kind of design-y chairs behind him. and I just kept looking at him in scale next to the chair and I was like, this man is fucking enormous. He is so big. He's a big, tall man.

MerlinHe's a very tall man. One thing that he said that I feel like he really got it right in the strike zone with one answer that is probably one of his most controversial answers, but I think it feels honest, was the thing of him saying, I don't know. I mean, when he finally came out and said, you know what? one reason that we did it the way we did it is we all thought she was going to win. Right. And we would have done this differently if we thought, I felt that was, maybe I'm wrong, maybe I'm being naive, but I feel like that's a revealing and honest answer, which is, you

know what? The truth is, every job is political in Washington. No matter where you work, everything is political.

MaxIt also, I can't believe I'm going to get back into this, but it does bring up a frustration I had with the Clinton campaign that I still think was genuinely very unfair to Hillary.

MerlinI am, as they say here for this mix.

MaxWhich is, it was just the different standards that they had for the campaign, right? It's like, well, because they thought Hillary was going to win, they talked about her investigation. But because they thought Trump was going to lose, they didn't talk about his investigation. And I agree with you. That is an honesty. I completely agree with you. That's, whether you like it or not, that's what happened, right? It was part of their thinking. It was every expert.

MerlinIt would have looked really bad if, right, if he hadn't done it that way.

MaxAnd then she won.

MerlinIt would have looked really bad.

MaxYeah. No question. It was part of their math. I don't even know that he was wrong to take it into account. It's just, it just, I know that it's true. I mean, I agree with you. That's an, that is a revealing, honest, real answer, but it's not fair. It's not fair. It's not fair. You don't get a pass on not having the voters here. If the standard they're creating is the voters get to know if you're under investigation for something, you're not going to pass because they think you're going to lose. Like it, it, it, the reality of what happened in that race was you had one guy who was really unqualified and a criminal and one one one candidate who who uh was had had did have flaws

but they were in they were the reality of it is that they were much more minor and it just wasn't fair it just wasn't fair that the that that those that those investigations and those flaws were not talked about in in scale in scale of each other right i mean the hillary emails was a real issue i think voters had a right to know about it and they had a right to care about it it really was bad judgment and showed bad foresight on her part. It was poorly handled. There were lots of things that were wrong about it. Was it worse than any of the things on the Trump campaign?

No. It dwarfed in scale.

MerlinBecause we've gotten so used to, even at that point, we were so used to how screwed up that whole campaign and his entire life is. Right. I have a very slight thing here, and we can move on. But I mean, I think time has passed, and we can be somewhat honest about the numerous issues with the Clinton campaign. I think we could probably talk about that. I'd rather not. But I will say this.

Read her book. What's that?

AlexPeople can read her book.

MerlinBut here's a parent's point of view on this, is that when you're a parent, like no matter how well, and this is true really of, let's say, anybody in authority maybe. This is true for teachers. It's true for anybody where there is a power differential that involves, like, you've got to do what I say. and like no matter how consistent a parent is um they're they're still gonna they're still gonna make mistakes but they're held to a much higher standard of getting it right you don't get to leave your kid locked in the hot car five times you are held to a standard that like you know

you're gonna be called you're gonna be called on the carpet if you get it if you get big stuff wrong and you're gonna be suspected of getting small stuff wrong all the time on the other hand you get a two or three-year-old kid. And a two or three-year-old kid, you're constantly, you're pumping them up. They're still in that period where like they're probably, they might still be sleeping with you. And like you're, they're very vulnerable. And when they're able to get their shoes and socks on, like you're really excited. They got their slip-on shoes on all by themselves. And you only had to ask them five times. And it's not even fair to compare

those two because you're a grown-ass person. And this is a little person who's still learning about the world. You can see where I'm going with this. It's frustrating to me to this day that she was held to something beyond a parental standard for everything that she potentially got wrong. It was an indication of how broken the entire system is. And that still continues to this day. And the running joke on political Twitter is, wow, it sounds like she's probably not going to get reelected. She's in so much trouble. Whereas I feel like, and I know this is obvious, but this is the parent's perspective. I feel like he is still, for being a 71-year-old

man, he still gets the brakes of a two-year-old. And if he manages to get his big boy shoes on before school starts, you do little claps. And it still drives me crazy to this day that even though she lost the election, they're still dragging her over the coals for this standard that like, well, of course she was going to win. And look, she didn't. The kids run the school now, 400 blows. And it's like, oh, you know, fuck. It still bugs me. I think her campaign was a mess. I think the picture of privilege of all of these generations of Ivy League people, that fucking photo with George H.W. Bush that everybody is so excited about.

Anyway, I'm not the hugest fan of hers. I think she could have done a lot better, but it still drives me crazy that she, maybe because she's a woman, definitely because she's a Clinton, still gets held to that standard to this day of being the super parent. and he's he if he can go a day without soiling his big boy diaper like everybody turns around to say this is the day he truly became the president yeah the first time i heard oh he

Alextruly looked presidential i vomited in my mouth you know the the other thing is like there was

Maxa report out this week that now trump in order to get around john kelly and like circumvent john kelly's um uh control of his schedule he's using his personal cell phone more and more and there was that i don't know who made this joke on on political twitter but someone's like boy i wonder how that's going to play with trump's base of like uh government it security enforcement enthusiasts because that was the defining issue of the election and in and at the republican convention you had all these chants of lock her up and all that and it was a huge issue they were like hillary

improperly the implications of that of that server in her basement oh my god i want i want to know

AlexI'm actually used still. Right.

MaxIt's just that these are, you know, the whole Trump base, one of their big issues is that is classified and private information being handled correctly from according to government IT policy. And, you know, I think they're going to be really shocked to find out that it's not being handled correctly in the Trump administration. They're going to have to rethink who they vote for in the upcoming election. I think we all know how that's going to go.

MerlinBut now QAnon has noted the white hats.

AlexSo the drop is coming any day now. OK, good. Good to know.

MerlinYou keep it up on QAnon?

AlexNo. No.

MerlinThe white hats.

AlexGet it?

MerlinWhite hats.

AlexGet it? Yep. Melania. All right. Allison Mack. Pizzagate. Are you seeing this? Yep. Yep. Oh, the ping pong balls are white. Oh, yep. It's all coming together. Ping pong balls are white. Hats are white. Yep. Yep. Bed sheets. Bed sheets. Oh. Oh. Mm-hmm.

MaxI think we should. I have our guest for the after show joining us at the 30-minute mark of this hour. Or I asked them to join. so I think we should get to the I think we should go to the try and get to the challenge and I just had one I had one other piece of follow up which is I do want to apologize to our listeners for the the posts that were on that were found on my old blog and I just want to say that I didn't write them hackers put them there and then they infiltrated the internet archive and put those posts on the internet archive and

MerlinMax do you have any idea who did that to you who changed your noble words to being so horrible and hateful who would do that to the internet archive to make you look bad do you have any sense at all of who did that

MaxI don't know I mean I would say that it's people who are scared of the truth that I have to tell Merlin and they're just trying to bring me down. Do you think they're scared of your giant hog? Oh, anything. It could be so many things that they're scared of. But now I don't know how they got into the Internet Archive and the Wayback Machine to change those posts. I don't know how they infiltrated my blog. But rest assured that did happen and I'm not responsible for anything that I've ever written in the past.

MerlinDugga, dugga, dugga. Challenge. This week's challenge is whose?

AlexI've been told on Twitter that it is your challenge.

MerlinChallenge. This week I heard it's my challenge. And the challenge was we love bags. And so this week's challenge was to get yourself a new bag. Did you guys get new bags?

AlexI did.

MerlinSort of.

AlexAll right.

MerlinMax, is you prepared? I feel like you maybe have the most to say about this, Alex.

AlexOh, my God. So much. I like the ones where you prepare. It's so hard. Why are you making noises? It's bags. Bags are good. We like bags. It's so hard. It's so, there's our friend in the show, Seroosh, he emailed me one time when I was having another stressful time about trying to pick out the perfect backpack. And he emailed me and then it later became a blog post that basically, this is a doomed quest. You're never going to find a bag for everything. And I'm in denial.

I want to have a bag for everything.

MaxWhat is the problem with the Tom Bin bag that we both love?

AlexSo here, okay, I will get to that. My favorite backpack in the world was a Timbuktu. I couldn't even find the name for it because I had it so long that it's been discontinued. It's just one of those black flip-over things that had the perfect amount of pot kits. It had a water bottle holder, and it was just wonderful. And then it finally came apart. And Timbuktu, to their credit-

MerlinIs it one that's a little bit like, not a briefcase, but it's not like a classic messenger bag, but it's, it's, I had, I had one like that. Is it that kind of thing? We, it's, it's more like a grownup person's bag.

AlexUh, I would actually say it's, it's kind of like a mix of a hipster and a message, like a messenger bag with straps essentially to put on your back. Does that make sense? I, I'll try to find the link to something that's similar to it. Uh, but, but that, so that fell apart and Tim book two does have a lifetime warranty, but they were like, we will replace this, but it will have to be a different bag. And then my heart was broken. And since that time, I have- I'll tell you a secret. They're not as good as they used to be.

Speaker AThey aren't. They're so bad, Merlin.

MerlinThey are so bad. They started overseas instead of ladies in the mission. Oh, no, wait. The ladies in the mission bags were baller. They were amazing. First time I ordered a Timbuktu bag, I did a custom bespoke bag, and it was practically bulletproof. It was so, so well made.

AlexI had that bag since, oh, I had it through this, my maybe senior year of high school up until maybe last year. So yeah, like 10 years of this bag.

MerlinThere are people using Timbuktu bags from the 90s.

AlexAnd they look better. They are great bags. They are so much better than what is out now. And okay, so then as an adult, where I have some money and I can spend money on bags, I bought the Synapse, the Tombin Synapse 19, which is the bag that Max got. and so we had matching bags for a while. Why does that, who cares? People pointed it out all the time and I'm like, mm-hmm. What, who?

MaxWho pointed it out?

AlexWho gives a shit? Jen, Trin, Tom, Kevin, Kevin Bodnick. Who cares what they think? Who cares? No, it wasn't. They're not on the show. It wasn't just that. It was that there is a soft, the back is this soft mesh and if you have too many sharp things, it starts to protrude into your back.

Speaker AHow many sharp things do you carry day to day? Do you have open switchblades in your backpack and needles and stuff?

AlexAre you a machete girl? Oh, boy. Think about there's the laptop, and then think about the DI boxes that have to go in there. Sometimes we have to bring mics. Basically, this bag wasn't good for work, essentially. Going to and from the office, yes. Going to an event, not so much. So then I got, what is the peak? Oh, I'm going to get. Oh, I love it. So, Merlin, are you familiar with the Peak Design bag?

MaxI just looked at your link. I do not like that thing. It looks like some sort of alien carapace going over your body. Do you guys watch The Good Place? Yes. You look like the judge in The Good Place when he gets emotional.

AlexI'm kind of... I'm okay with that. That's kind of what I do.

MaxKevin from Brooklyn Nine-Nine. Veronica finally... Veronica's been on my case to watch The Good Place for years. And I watched the pilot and maybe one other episode. and I was like, I don't know.

MerlinYou've got to binge it. If you binge it, it's so much.

Speaker AYes, I agree.

MaxSo finally I did. Finally I did. And holy shit, was I missing out? Isn't it satisfying? Oh my God. I mean, it really clicked for me in the first season finale, obviously, is like the, I know that's really obnoxious to say.

AlexI called it. It's not a bad show.

MaxHow much do you love Jason, though?

AlexYeah.

Maxi like uh yeah i like the um janet the flashback when he gets locked in the vault

Merlinit's so good oh i love janet so much and she's so subtle in that role i know she becomes a little bit more human and like oh so subtle that show works on so many levels and it's a it's a good

Maxto watch but i would compare it almost to parks and rec in that like the first season of parks and rec is not it's like okay but it's not great and you sort of have to with like brand Danowitz and The Hole and everything. But Parks and Rec comes alive in the second season. And oh my God, The Good Place.

MerlinBut The Good Place also, I mean, for a philosophy boy like you. I mean, I know they're doing it.

MaxThat's actually somewhat of a turnoff for me. I was going to say. But I think it's like, well, I think it's like fine. I don't have any big beef.

MerlinBut you don't think the idea of talking about what is good and having a good life, you don't think it's kind of, I think it's handled kind of well. I'm not saying it's a philosophy class, but I'm saying for stuff on network TV, it's pretty thought-provoking.

MaxI would agree with that. And there's nothing wrong. It would drive me crazy if it was wrong or if they only talked about the four most famous philosophers. But they are actually—

MerlinYou're like an electrical contractor who can't go to movies if there's anything about electricity in it.

Speaker AThat's not how it would be.

MaxThat's not rated for that. No, I'm saying that I'm saying— I'm saying— Well, there is the great story of Josh from Cards and I went to— I think I've told this story before, but we went to see the second Spider-Man movie where Spider-Man pushes Dr. Ock's artificial sun into the lake to extinguish it. And we were leaving the theater, and Josh was furious. He's like, there wasn't enough steam. There would be more steam if they put a sun in the lake. And I was like, Josh. This is why they can't watch The Graduate.

Speaker AOh, really? That's the way you go across the Golden Gate Bridge? I don't think so.

MaxIt was like, I was leaving the theater with Josh. I was like, Josh, it was a movie about a spider man. It's a man who's a spider. And you're mad that there wasn't enough steam when they pushed the artificial sun into the lake? That sounds like it might be a fetish.

Speaker AI can see how other people would like it but there wasn't enough steam

MaxI love Josh why didn't they show her feet that would be more realistic if they showed her feet I think the philosophy is handled maybe we should do a good place challenge honestly but I think the philosophy is handled well I'm glad you like it I love it do you agree about the binging part though yes binge it go crazy

Merlinfirst of all the episode goes by so fast I cannot believe that's even 22 minutes or whatever. It goes by so fast. It's so watchable. And then you wait a week and the next one comes out. And it's like you've got to get back into the world. And it seems too cheeky. If you binge them, I mean, even more so than a ton of shows on Netflix. Like, I think you could have a week between episodes of Wild Wild Country and you would not lose the thread at all. Whereas with The Good Place, I feel like you need to really stay in that world.

MaxYeah, the main thing that's bugging me, and maybe they'll kind of address this. they did start to sort of address it on the edges in the second season. So the whole premise is there's this afterlife, and they judge whether people are good or bad. But by what standard are they doing that? Because it's a horrible system. It's unjust and permanent, and I don't know. So it's like what moral footing do these beings have to judge humanity when they're – what is moral about their own system? So I hope that the show gets to that, but at the moment at least,

It's kind of just bugging me in the back of my mind when I watch it. It makes it weird. It just stands out to me of like, this whole thing sucks. So this bag looks like a carapace.

AlexOkay. Yeah, I want to talk about my bags. The Peak Synapse, it's a very hipstery bag. And at first, because Mr. Sandwich said that my bag was more aesthetically appealing than the Tombin Synapse 19. What is he now? Yeah, I was like, oh, yeah, I've won this.

MaxBack on Twitter, though.

AlexIt's super cool because it was designed as a camera bag, and there's like three inserts in it so that you can – it's kind of like shelves within the bag. But the issue is there's no way to, like, compress it. So it will always be a big bug shell. There's no way to make it – oh, look at the zippers are just so – and the top has this cool magnetic clip. Is it good or bad, that noise? It's good. It's a good noise, but listen to this.

No? No? Well, I like it. Fine. What is it? What is the noise? It's a magnetic clip.

MaxIt's a magnetic buckle mechanism that closes the bag, and it sort of slots itself into place. Is it floppy?

AlexNo, it's not. Everything on the bag is rigid.

MaxIt almost feels like manipulating a chain link, like chain. It's like a little metal chain-y thing, but it's magnetic, so it kind of snaps together into place. I'm not a fan.

MerlinI'm real stupid, Alex. So at this point, I'm not sure. So it sounds like you hate this bag, love this bag, like this bag, don't have a feeling about the bag?

AlexI've now thrown it across the floor because I got really frustrated. I went to a small, you know, the event that I talked about on Twitter where my credit card was shut off because I bought wine at a museum, which isn't that weird, people.

Speaker AWhat museum?

AlexThe Chicago Design Museum, the one you made fun of me for going to. But this was an event where there were a ton of people with backpacks, but I was this one that had like a gigantic, weird, bulbous thing on my back. So then the other program we enjoy, the Accidental Tech Podcast, they have been talking about bags. And I think, you know what, I finally found my fetish because whenever that starts up, I'm like, yeah, yeah, get into it, get into it. So then I got the big boy sign apps. Listen to these zippers.

MaxIt's huge.

AlexIt is. Here's the thing.

MaxIt's so big.

AlexIt is very, very big.

Speaker AIs it bigger than a brain bag?

MaxNo. If James Comey wore that backpack, he would look like me wearing my little backpack.

AlexAnd so the best part of this, though, is I, other than the fact that it fits, it's actually the same liter size as my Peak design bag. But it's just kind of like a big cavernous space. and it stopped my issue with the Synapse 19 because I bought this like plastic insert that makes a solid like rigid back.

MerlinOh, that's what that is.

AlexYeah, that's what that thing is. And so, and I've been able to fit, I have my laptop in here. I've got a Chromebook. Well, I took my iPad out. I'm trying to make sound effects and it's not working.

MerlinYou carry around two laptops and an iPad.

AlexI mean, not always, but oh, look, here's my RX bars, my Kind bars.

MerlinYou can change the topic, but I don't understand why you carry two laptops and an iPad.

AlexRecently, there are people in the company who are using Chromebooks. Remember how I was like, oh, what if I use a Chromebook in the shower? And I decided that I really like it, and I've just been troubleshooting some stuff. Oh, the zippers are so satisfying.

Speaker AYou lay out a life. This is just a note from a friend.

Merlinyou lay out a life that is so unbelievably complex and unsolvable and then at the very most basic question about why it's the way it is your answers are so unsatisfying and not probative

Speaker Ai just it's very the reason you have to carry all that shit in your backpack is because you

Alexwant to use a laptop in the shower it's literally it's literally for my work uh but it's not though there's no part of your job that requires you to carry a chromebook around no okay that's kind of

Speaker Aa problem of your own design.

AlexFair. I could just leave it at work. But I want, I remember I said I was going on a special date with my backpack. So it was, I was just like walking around. Yeah, I was just walking around the city yesterday and I was like, theoretically, let me fill this with all of the shit I would need. So the bottom compartment.

MaxYou're like one of these guys who jogs around the neighborhood with a backpack, with a bandana and a backpack full of rocks and you're training.

AlexYeah. Oh, I forgot to transfer my stuff.

Speaker AOr maybe somebody who's like, I need a fanny pack. I need a bigger fanny pack. I need the world's largest fanny pack. This fanny pack's too heavy.

AlexWhat's cool also is...

MaxWhy? So wait, I'm still confused about why you're carrying a Chromebook around with you.

AlexBecause the other day, one of our head writers needed some help about how to connect some weird proprietary Bluetooth stuff. And I was like, huh, I bet I can figure that out on mine. And then I did. So I brought it in because I just wanted to...

MaxYou brought your home Chromebook into work once. to solve their Bluetooth issue.

AlexYeah. It was for the experiment as well because some, for, okay, for example, at conventions, now I bring two laptops because I don't know if a keyboard is going to fail and that's like an essential part of the show is having a laptop on stage. So, yeah. Interesting. And it sucks, but that's where we are.

MerlinIt's almost enough reason to buy the 2015 MacBook Pro.

AlexOh my God. You, we're not talking about that though uh nope nope we're not all right so i guess so you're you're just to just to you're frustrated with this bag it's very large uh but what is it what is it that

Merlindoesn't work it's large but it doesn't hold enough it does it it it holds it it holds enough now but

Alexit's also got the issue of i feel like it's going to protrude too much so i'm thinking about going back to the Synapse 19, but with the weird, rigid, I forget what it's called. It's in notes, but there's like a rigid back to it so that when I'm stuffing like a bunch of clothes and protruding DI boxes, it won't hurt.

MerlinThat's actually, it's interesting though. The one I got might, it's certainly never going to be okay aesthetically for you, but mine is really good at not being big when it doesn't need to be.

AlexOh, oh, I also bought, Max, I think you'll, I bought a Fjolloravn kaken. Oh, yes, yes.

MerlinSay the mouth words again?

AlexFjallorobin. It's the trendy,

Maxit's the tiny little delicate bags for Japanese schoolgirls and hipsters. Well, actually, Swedish. And there's a store on Damon.

AlexAnd it's so stupid. Is this Heidi? It's so stupid. It's so stupid. Oh, my God. I'm just looking at it. Put a link in. I don't know what this is. I'm so mad. It's this tiny little bag that it was literally made for Swedish schoolchildren. And I'll put a link in notes. Okay, then I'll Google it if you won't put the link in. Swedish school children back. I have laptops everywhere. I'm bleeding. My Kindle's out. My iPad is, oh, man.

MerlinOkay, Swedish school children back. Max has, oh, boy. Is it a Fjöljen Raffen?

AlexYeah, it's a Fjöljen Raffen Kakenfraffen.

MerlinOh, I've seen these around town. They have the logo.

AlexI've seen this. I also think I bought a fake one because it was from, oh, no, this is real.

MaxThey have a store on Damon.

AlexYeah, I got it from Amazon. But yeah, that's getting rid of that one. But okay, I know that people are going to suggest a million different bags to us. I have some requirements. I want it to be less than 25 liters or less. It needs to have a compartment for your laptop. It also needs to have a compartment for a water bottle. That is very, very important to me.

MaxWhat are these different tactical bottles that you have here? Can you explain on your other side?

AlexOh, I've got another thing. So my normal water bottle was a clean canteen from, I don't know, the Wirecutter recommended it. But look at this guy. They also recommended a collapsible water bottle. No. So you can just smoosh it.

MaxNo.

AlexThis is not happening. It's kind of hard to smoosh.

MaxOh, my God.

AlexBut I love it.

MaxIt's so good. Gimme, gimme, gimme, gimme, gimme, gimme, gimme, gimme, gimme. Gimme, gimme, gimme. Link, link, link, link.

AlexOh, my God. I've got them all. I didn't want to spoil it.

MaxThis is a fucking game changer

AlexIsn't it great?

MaxIs this pure BPA? What is this?

AlexNo, it's not It is machine washable Which is the other thing I would This isn't a requirement Does it actually collapse? You gotta like really smoosh it in I don't know It's on the wire cutter Okay, listen Just so we're clear

MaxI'm literally in another state

AlexI can't see what you're looking at What is it called? Max, what's it called?

MaxIt doesn't have a name on it Oh wait, here we go It's called the platypus I'll listen when you've done that It's called the platypus It's called the platypus I'm sorry I just got it myself

AlexI'm with you I'm frustrated too I didn't think that everybody was gonna want I touched my platypus

MerlinThere are so many problems here that I just didn't know could be problems

AlexSo it's the contents of whose backpack has been live photoed to me

MaxWe're gonna get to that in a minute That's my bullshit That's your afrin Holy shit you got like a little dispensary in here

MerlinYou need my little North Face bags

AlexOh yes well that's the other thing

MerlinIs that a checkbook? Yeah Why do I have to write checks?

Speaker AOh no wait Oh, okay. You guys don't have to carry a checkbook with you? I would like to buy this platypus water bottle. Will you accept a personal check? This pen's from Japan.

MerlinDon't you guys have to write? I have problems. Everything's confusing. My bag is weird.

Speaker AAre we talking about me now? You guys are so fucked up. Are we talking about me now? No, we're talking about both of you guys. You're a mess. You're one hot mess. I cannot, Alex.

MaxThis does not work as advertised.

AlexIt does not. It does not work. It doesn't work. Even if you can't maneuver it into its... Oh, you got the Tile Sport. Oh, I also have the Tile Sport. That is always in my bag. It doesn't work.

MerlinI'm telling you, it does not collapse. How long have you been a Tile user? Have you started getting the one-year nasty grams yet?

AlexOh, yes.

MerlinI don't know how to... Jesus, fuck. I'm ready to just... Oh, it's so frustrating. Collapse it.

AlexI will collapse it. You need the top half... Talking about the podipus? ...acts as sort of a container for it.

MaxYes, it's sort of... Okay, what is it? It looks like a flashlight. It's this soft, rubbery tube. I did that in like one minute. Alex is rolling it up like a little. Platypus Platy, two liter, ultralight, collapsible water bottle.

AlexWe just keep throwing it.

MaxNo, I keep throwing it. You just huck it into the table. Like you're trying to deny me a point in tennis.

AlexIt's more of a spike than a throw. 15 love.

MerlinI don't know if the extremity of my lifestyle will accommodate this. this looks like people who are very very thirsty they just need to really super hydrate you should

Alexhave at least six liters of water every day do you drink i'm good you're fine okay are you

Maxfucking kidding me this is a challenge that i want to do a water seltzer every day i want to

Alexdrink a water tracking challenge all right uh max would you like to share i've never been so glad to

Maxbe old um these all sound like a complete non-problems to me i don't i use a try an app to track how much water i drink so do i yeah that's good um okay so um i have the tom bin um what is it that what do i have alex 19 19 the synapse 19 it's the perfect backpack it's the best bag i've ever owned i have actually thought to myself i should probably buy two or three of these just because if they ever stop making it i'll like have them you know the way too small

MerlinYou don't think?

MaxNot for my personal needs. So I just emptied out every item in my backpack. Every item is here. Are those all loose in your backpack? No, they are in different sections and compartments. You have sub bags? No, I have no sub bags, but what I like about the Synapse is there's a spot for everything. There's a little zippered pouch in the bag that holds all these things. The Synapse has enough internal organization that I could tell you with my eyes closed I could find any of these items in my bag.

MerlinOh, that's really cool. Yeah. Wow.

MaxSo what do I have? in my bag I have my little twisty flashlight that turns into a glow stick like an electronic glow stick kind of a thing so if I'm ever I use it sometimes in hotel rooms if I can't figure out how to work the lights or something like that I don't know you can I use my watch a lot for that

Merlinfor what it's worth just like if you need a quickie you know there's a flashlight on your watch yep yeah it's a swipe up every night just for like little I don't want to fall on my face things

Maxyep yeah I do that too um yeah um what do I have I have a little um another one that I use all the time is I have this little multi-tool. It's an actual Leatherman brand of small multi-tool. No blade. So it's pliers, a scissors, a nail file, a screwdriver. And I use that like when we go to conventions, like, oh my God, every, I use this constantly opening boxes, fixing stuff, whatever. Can you take that on a plane? I can and I do. Yes. And it never gets stopped. I've never been stopped. I don't know if you're technically allowed to take it on a plane.

Is that in the picture? Yeah. Oh, I see it. It's like a little guy. It's tiny.

Speaker AOh, yeah.

MerlinIt opens up like for pliers. Yep. Yep. I have something like that. Those are great. I use that. It comes in handy all the time. Doesn't it suck when they want to throw away your stuff? It's really frustrating.

MaxI've never been busted personally with that. For anything?

MerlinWith that. No, not really. I've had the most asinine stuff.

MaxI had hair. They threw out a can of hair product at LaGuardia one time. And I was like, really? You're going to make me throw my hair product out?

MerlinMy wife got the giant pat down on our last trip and the whole smudging and everything. Because even though she had less than three ounces of product in it, it was in a container that could accommodate more than three ounces. And so they threw it out.

AlexOh.

MaxThat's what I, yeah. That was, I think that's what happened with me.

MerlinSo stupid.

MaxAnd then let's see, I've got my sanitary wipes, my checkbook, some iOS cables, lens wipes, Alka-Seltzer, iPhone charger.

MerlinYou got an HDMI thing.

MaxFor me, I always have four pens in my bag and the Synapse has four little pen loops. So I have a highlighter. Those are pretty good pens. Yeah, I have a Sharpie brand yellow highlighter. I have a precise. You want to try an Identipen? A what? Identipen? Identipen. No, I'm going to look that up. I have a Pilot Precise V5 Extra Fine. I have the Sharpie for signing.

MerlinWho is it that uses that? Dan Harmon? No, who uses that pen? Was it a war criminal? Somebody uses that pen, right? Did you find out that somebody weird uses your pen? Slobodan Milosevic? I don't know.

AlexSlobodan Milosevic. Steve Bannon uses that pen. Does he? Steve Bannon.

MaxOh, there we go. I have the Sharpie permanent marker, the Ultra Fine Point, which I use for signing. I used to use the regular Sharpies like a cup. You should check out the Identipen, buddy.

MerlinI think it's right in your wheelhouse.

MaxIdentipen. And then I have another. This is a secret. I buy multi-packs of these. This is a secret proprietary Max Temkin patented technology that I've discovered. So this is sold on the Sharpie website and is called the Sharpie Oil-Based Paint Pen Silver Metallic. If you have anything in your life where you need to write on a black surface, like how I need to sign Cards Against Humanity boxes, you get one of these oil pens, you shake it

Speaker Aup, and there's a little shaker.

Maxand then it has a fine point. It has a fine point like the Sharpie. You sign all day with this guy. I'll sign anything with this.

MerlinThe Identipen is what pro golfers use to sign golf balls. It's that good. There's a big tip and a little tip

Maxand they're real good

Merlinand they're Japanese and cool.

MaxDo I have to order it from the Sakura of America Corporation?

MerlinI buy eight packs on Amazon and I put them in the basket right here. The basket right here by the coffee maker.

Speaker AI want to never have a situation where there's not a black Identipen I can grab with my man hand. Please put the identity pens back in the basket. All right.

MaxSo the bag that I've got to play with is, I didn't buy it this week, but it's been sitting in a closet for a while. And it's a Kickstarter project I backed a while back. And it is called, it's by a company, the Kickstarter project was by this company called Life Pack. And this is called The Hustle. And it's a faux leather briefcase. It's like a man bag kind of a thing. and the fancy man that's a cute little tote it is it is pretty i think it's pretty i think it's

pretty handsome and um the sort of killer feature is it has a you're going to work with yeah right so i got this because i thought maybe i would not want to take my little tom bing backpack to law

Merlinschool it turns out it's fine and no oh it's bigger than i thought oh yeah look at that it's

Maxlike a satchel it's a satchel yeah i thought maybe this would be like more professional for law school stuff turns out i'm fine with my backpack and i don't it it's not that it's

Merlinappropriate it's that i care less about there's an anti-backpack backlash right now and i think it's weird i don't know i it's not that it's been the political twitter's been going through this like oh a grown man with a backpack and it's like really it's such a shockingly efficient way to move around feels like people who just watch mad men and they're like yes i agree suck a dick because if you're in a city like one of the things you need to learn this is a very john roderick thing is that you need to act like you're always about to be attacked by a dracula you should always know that within a second of realizing that Dracula is coming your way, you should be able to grab the strap of something

and start running without having to collect anything. Always keep all your stuff in the backpack. Take out one thing at a time. And people who are like, well, I like to really spread out when I make Starbucks. Let me get open my briefcase. It's like, fuck that. This is the, you need something that you can take on public transit and maybe use as a weapon. It's important. Life pack hustle.

AlexOh, that's true. I could use mine as a weapon. Nice.

MaxThe special thing about the life pack is it's got a solar panel in it and you can use it to charge your phone. That's a little unesthetic, but it's very clever.

AlexI actually remember Max was like, is this ugly? I think it's hidden very, it's more discreet than you would think.

MerlinI thought it was an Android phone that came with it.

AlexOh, what a...

MerlinIt looks like it, yeah. But that's cool. That's cool that it does that. Solar's the future, guys.

AlexI have two questions for you, Max. One, do you have a duplicate dongle bag that you keep for travel? So you just take the dongles with like the little tiny baby satchel with you. So you don't need to pack any cables or anything. And also, why do you have the straps on the back of your backpack? Have you ever once you like clipped them together? So these guys.

MaxCan you take that off?

AlexYeah. Oh, I took, I take everything off of these.

MaxI didn't know those even came off. So in terms of my dongles, I probably put an amount of thought into having the fewest number of cords with me of and i'm it really keeps me up at night and i do and i go to enormous to really get it right not too much yes i go through enormous lengths to reduce the number if i could carry one less thing in my pocket i will spend like like hundreds and hundreds of dollars so i have all these different workarounds and solutions but basically what i'm down to as this is just today is i have the official apple multi-port usbc adapter with usb hdmi on it you

You know, the wide boy, the fat boy.

AlexThe incredibly expensive one that we just have to keep buying.

MaxNow, I only carry one in my backpack, but I'll add that I have an extra one that I keep at my desk at work and an extra one that I keep at my desk at home. So the idea is that the one in my backpack, it's not my go-to. I'm not constantly taking it in and out of my backpack because that's how you lose it. So I have one everywhere I need one, and the one in my backpack is just there where I need it where it's like, oops, I'm giving a presentation in class or something, and I need to plug into the HDMI. And guess what? I'm very confident that it's in that backpack. It'll come up. It'll come up. Yep. So then I carry the little iPhone headphone adapter because sometimes if you're traveling,

I'm always worried.

MerlinYeah. I keep that in a little mesh bag hanging inside. The little like, oh, I might need this.

MaxWhat a nightmare scenario. Like your Bluetooth headphones stop working on the airplane and you have no backup. You're in a car where you don't want to do Bluetooth.

MerlinI don't like Bluetooth into things. It freaks me out. I don't like connecting my car to smart things. It just feels invasive.

MaxAnd then I have one USB-C lightning cable because you just, I don't know, it comes up. I need it. And then I have my retractable.

Speaker AIt's so satisfying.

MaxI have my retractable USB-C, or no, USB, it's the thin boy, the little tiny thin guy that every device charges with now. So I carry one of those and then a tile tracker. And that's it. I'm down to three cords, three or four cords.

AlexI need, oh God.

MaxAnd then I'll add in my luggage, we've talked about this, but in my luggage, this is my number one life hack. In my luggage, I carry a four-port USB pluggy boy. So it's the wall plug.

MerlinI've got an Anker one of those.

MaxYeah, I have the Anker four-port boy.

MerlinI've got the Anker USB-C that goes to one USB-C and four. Yep.

MaxYeah, I have a similar thing, but instead of ending in USB-C, it ends in a wall plug, basically. And plugged into it, I have an iPhone cable. You will be the hero.

MerlinAt some point, you will be the hero for having that.

MaxYeah. Well, I'm my own hero because it just lives in my backpack, and I have an Apple Watch and an iPhone cable, and I don't even take it with me. Oh, it's in my suitcase. I go to the hotel. I plug it into the wall. When I leave the hotel, it goes back in the suitcase, and that's the only time it moves again. I'm not constantly taking it out and using it at conferences and using it in my house. No. It's my travel one. It's always there.

MerlinI think I might learn that from you. I finally did that. I now have a separate travel. if I have to go anywhere, but especially for traveling out of town overnight, I've got a complete extra set, a duplicate set of everything that's just always in my away bag, like ready to go.

AlexIt's really smart. That's what I do, yeah.

MaxI know everyone thinks that they have the best intentions. They're like, oh, I'm just going to use the USB-C adapter in my backpack and I'll just take it out and use it all the time. It's not there. You will leave it behind and you will lose it.

Alexmy one thing, I gotta get rid of micro USB. Why can't everything just be USB-C? I know that there's a bunch of

MaxWe're getting there, but all my batteries all my external batteries That's king of the castle

AlexIt's the worst I miss mini USB Well at least you could tell

MerlinI got reversible. I bought those cables that are reversible at both ends

AlexWhat? Whoa.

MerlinYeah, you can get them so the USB-A is reversible. You can put it in any way, and the mini is reversible anyway. Oh. It's micro. Sorry, it's reversible anyway.

AlexNo, the micro is not reversible anyway.

MaxThey make them, though. Yes, it is.

AlexThey make, oh, my God. Oh, well, there we go.

MaxLet me ask you this. Are you guys seriously don't carry checks with you?

AlexNo.

MaxRight, like, one check a year.

MerlinJust as a test pilot project, just sent me checks for the first time. I haven't had checks in 15 years.

MaxI am constantly I feel like I'm writing

Speaker ASimple lets you do online checks

MaxMaybe it's the whole nature Of owning the business But I feel like I'm writing

MerlinNo, no I almost did make the joke Because it's such an obvious joke But yeah, yeah For businesses you need that

MaxYeah, I mean I don't know I wrote my first check

MerlinIn about 15 years Last week

MaxI feel like I write One check a day And it's given A lot of times And also like I go to a lot of fundraisers I guess So that's another case Where I'm writing A lot of checks

Speaker AThat's not funny to me I don't know Of course I have My checkbook

Merlinyou're such a you're like you're such a fancy duchess mine is really boring and let's finish it so we can have our guest um this is mine i really wanted to get uh the synapse for which you guys have so much affection but it just with the time the time didn't work out to get it shipped so i went on amazon and i looked at backpacks and this one came up i'm stealing valor it's a military technical backpack small assault pack army bug out a salt pack hell yes it's a bug out bag this is basically your small bag to pack now

it's deceptive in this photo because you're seeing it totally blown out this thing is all about compression so you've got so i don't a lot of people out there don't understand like i first of all i don't understand fucking hardly any of the things in this i don't know what i'm supposed to hang on all of these loops but what i do know is that once you become an urban person uh you're going to love those compression things on the sides. So this has the, what I love on the brain bag as well. Not very pretty, but when you get loaded, get it the way you want. Once your sweater is in there and your laptop and all the different shit, you've loaded it all the way up. You pull

these things on the side, two straps on either side, one over the top, and you can compress it down real tight. And then you, you wear it hiked up real high on your back and it becomes so much easier because it's way closer. It sounds dumb. I promise this makes a difference. It's way closer to your center of gravity, and it's much easier to walk around if you compress it all the way. So this has that. It doesn't sound weird at all. It has two unnecessary straps in the front for going around.

MaxGo to the fourth photo, and you get a better idea of how it works. This hustle pack, I'm trying to pack it up with all my bullshit right now. Oh, no way. And it's fucking useless. It only has two pen loops. What are you supposed to do with two pen loops?

AlexApple pencil and regular pencil. No, give me four. Give me four. You need four pen loops.

MerlinWhat do you do with two kinds of pencils? You need like six or eight. I know. I've got sign markers. I've got Sharpies. Pentel sign markers, man, they're the balls. But so one nice thing about, so there's lots to like about this. I'm going to get to my favorite thing about it at the end, but I love how you can unzip it all, all, all, all the way. Oh, wow. Pretty much in the back.

MaxThat's actually really great for packing something up sensibly. Merlin, this is the level three backpack in PUBG. You got a level three bag. Oh. Did I? Yeah. Got a level three bag on my location. Does anyone need level three? Anyone need level three? Got a level three bag on my location? Anyone need level three? Who's looking for a level three bag? I got a level three bag. I'm going to drop a marker. I got a level three bag in my position.

Merlini feel like i should take off the velcro flag patch because i might be stealing valor but a couple things i like about this the front has two uh container pockets the smaller one just real easy to deal with there's lots of pen loops and stuff um pretty basic place like mesh envelope thing to stick a backpack or an ipad in in the back but um uh so and then a couple other things um if you unzip the very back like where the straps are you can put in a camel toe and then you got hydration. You can have that back there if you want to have water. Merlin, on your

Maxidentapens, do you buy a multicolor set or do you only buy the blacks? I used to just buy two packs

Merlinof black or African-American, as you say. But now I tend to buy four or eight packs in multicolors. Okay. So then the last couple of things. So yeah, it's really cool. It's got, let's, you can see in the one, two, three, four, fifth photo, you see where it's got the little Velcro hole you're having your camel toe come out so you get your hydration oh camel back there we go

Alexpeople don't know these reference okay proceed i apologize the price the price 38 that is the part that's blowing my mind actually it's completely fucking blowing my mind

Merlinwhen the first time i paid 200 for a backpack i i felt like i had really reached a new low like what are you doing yeah but that's like kind of normal i think this is less than my first Jansport. I can't believe this backpack was $38.

AlexDo you think this is going to fall? This seems like a thing where the straps will fray eventually and the top part will fall out. For $38, I can handle it.

MerlinFour and a half stars. That's fair. It's not technically a military grade because the straps are too close, but I don't understand how do we even do with all these fucking loops. It's got Velcro on it so you can Velcro shit to the front. I was really amazed. This is the one, the backpack for which, you know what, Max? Maybe that's why they wouldn't let me in the movie theater.

AlexWait. This kind of just does a little mess. Is that really what you brought into the movie theater?

MaxThat's the exact bag you brought?

AlexAnd then you fought? It's a fucking military bag, Marlon.

MaxYou definitely look like you're going to kidnap a child.

MerlinI could have to be a small child and I would need to fold it, but I could put it in the bug out bag.

AlexNo, you would just have to chop them up. It could be a normal-sized child. Oh, my God. Yeah, you put the torso in the back and then the extremities in the second pouch and then the head at the very front. Wow

Speaker AMerlin Sir, sir I am a veteran You must let me into Isle of Dogs See my patch? I've specifically selected this movie

MaxBecause I think there's going to be a lot of children That are the right size Where I can fit them into my giant bag I'm a veteran, sir I serve with honor Sir, the trick to chopping up a child You've got to compress it So that it sits in your center of gravity well

MerlinI will buy your popcorn and accommodate your drinks before I cut the kid up into tiny pieces and put them in my tactical backpack.

AlexThis is Dubai Friday, a weekly challenge podcast with Merlin Mann.

Speaker AThis is why I don't record it.

AlexIt wouldn't be boring.

MaxNo, do it.

AlexTake two. This is Dubai Friday.

MaxDubai Friday intro recording. Take two.

Alexthis is do by friday a weekly challenge podcast with merlin man alex fox this is do i didn't even do anything that time the end that's that's it works it works

76. Half Serrated, Half Stabby

Show notes

Transcript

76. Half Serrated, Half Stabby

Show notes

Transcript

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